#idk why but that scared me kinda idk
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bitch wtf i just hit 10k
#omg???#idk why but that scared me kinda idk#i love you all so much#i feel like i gotta do more for yall#i dont deserve you#weird timing tho cause im going on vacation today#lmaoo but i will be back in july#and hopefully posting more for yall#i love you so much omg#thank you for the support fr fr#nonsims
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why is this even a conversation if we know one thing its that the writers room’s most common phrase is “we’ve done that already” and they quite literally ALREADY did a plotline about what happened to Trump LITERALLY LAST SEASON down to everyone just getting nicked by the bullet 😭😭😭
#like what commentary would they need to make that they didnt already say in ep 2 last season lmao#dont get me wrong im kinda scared of s17 too but i dont get this lol#like it didnt even cross my mind#so idk why everyones in a tizzy#like i’ll eat my words if im wrong but lololo
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Having one of those days where I wanna delete everything I've ever written and crawl into a hole to hide for forever.
Don't worry, I'm not actually gonna. My brain is just being stupid.
#i don't know why i can't shake this feeling that everyone is gonna hate lucy and be hoping that she dies or ends up miserable#some of the responses i've gotten to these past two chapters have been...idk kinda hostile in a way that's got my defenses up#and i'm honestly kinda scared to post the rest of the series because i feel like the blowback i'm gonna get is gonna be really really bad#considering we're only just starting this arc and people already are upset with me over it#normally i'm fine with people not liking my fics or ocs but idk i've poured my whole heart and soul into lucy and this series#it makes me sad to know so many people are gonna hate her#bleghhhh sorry for being such a downer i'm just in a weird mood these past couple of days#lily babbles
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had some brainworms about transfem furina.... can anyone hear me.
i feel like this would have really interesting implications in her story, much as she loves acting, but struggles with it due to the 500 years she spent being forced to act, would being a woman be the same for her? she doesn't know where the act ends and where her actual identity begins. is she a woman because she wants to be, or just because she had to be one. even if she enjoys it more than the alternative, does she actually enjoy it? or is it just because she was one for so long that she enjoys it?
i can imagine that focalors likely didnt care much about her identity/presentation as archons have been shown to be able to change their forms at will basically, but furina is the human counterpart of focalors. she doesn't have that ability to change herself just like that. i imagine gender identity would be much more important to a human, especially one that must keep up an act at all times, than a god, and thus something that would affect her. something she would think about. a lot.
maybe post-prophecy, she would experiment. figure out if femininity is in fact something she wants. maybe she would try to go back to being "cis" and then realize it wasn't right for her. and i imagine that she would flourish more being able to properly express her femininity rather than doing it just because it was apart of the role.
#my art#genshin impact#furina#idk. i think trans readings of furina in general are very interesting. it could work any which way for her.#but. something about the transfem furina hc really hits for me and im not sure why!#it got me thinking!#sorry if these thoughts arent coherent. im not the best at expressing what i want to say. hope it makes sense though!#but god. furina and how complicated her feelings must be on everything is so so so interesting#it must be a nightmare to figure out who she really is and how she really feels. how she really thinks.#since her identity got blurred together with that of being an archon#kinda scared to post this bc i dont usually post headcanon type stuff (probably fear about being Wrong about something) but here we go!#well whatever this is also my sideblog and not my main.
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UM SO super super super rough thing i cooked up today
inspired by a very in depth convo i had w @gguksgalaxy about svts hands that literally pulled me out of a HORRENDOUS 4 month art block thanks boo lol
#THIS IS REALLY ROUGH DONT LOOK AT IT FOR TOO LONG#might delete this later hnnghngjnrdjgr#idk why im scared im kinda scared#AGAIN this is really rough lol also i don't think I've worked this fast ever#the camera lens almost put me in a coma idk why i did that#svt#seventeen#dokyeom#seokmin#dk#svt fanart#art#hands#drawing#procreate#seventeen fanart#em.draws
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Whenever I go to someone else's house I'm reminded of how peacful it is to have silence.... idk when this road suddenly became super busy it was quiet before :( I wish this was still mainly a residential area and not a spot for shops and etc
#i feel kinda selfish saying that LOL#but what comes with all this is new construction always and its ALWAYS SUPER UGLY#and then theres also the hostels#which is fine in theory until you get catcalled for the first time in front of your own house#then i start to wish that every young man dies and leaves me alone#:D#i miss the OLD PEOPLE#old men arent perfect but they have wives so they canr say shit outloud or maybe thryre just tired idk idc#its not like i got catcalled since so its whatever i just hate that its constantly filled with young men who are liud brash and noisy#maybe im being mean but idc :)#when you see every gurl your age since 13 have to stay indoors because their parents want to protect them it kinda starts getting on your#nerves!#maybe i want to be able to take a walk in my own are without ffeeling scared!! and i could thats my own problem ig#my area is fine#its just going around the city tbh#which is also fine!#until its not!#then its like why did you even go out blahblahblah
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Well I got back from the mall! I got my fav cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory in there (my favorite comfort food is at this restaurant, don’t clown me for this like everyone has irl 😭)
I accidentally took the bus in the wrong direction so I took a little longer but I got home in the end safe and sound :)
I didn’t end up buying anything bc I got scared of like. Idk. I got scared.
But it was fun to look around and see what’s changed!
#idk why I got scared to be very honest with you#like I found some rlly cute clothes at the Macys that’s going out of business in our mall so everything is on sale#so it was all rlly affordable but they were all rlly conventionally ‘girly’ clothes and I haven’t rlly worn that kinda thing in a long time#and I feel weird abt it rn even tho i rllyyyy want to again :(#I’m afraid everyone will think im ugly if I try to dress feminine bc I pass so well as a dude :(#like obviously I’m not SUPER cis looking but literally everyone i interacted with today that used gendered terms addressed me with#masculine language ‘young man’ ‘sir’ etc#so I know I pass well as a guy#which is great genuinely I love it!!#but I’ve been feeling so much more fem lately and I just don’t get to express it irl atm :(
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anxiety problem: too anxious to go to thing on my own
solution: get someone to go with me to thing
anxiety problem: too anxious to ask someone to go with to thing
solution: ??????
#alpaca.txt#i keep forgetting i have anxiety and then like. oh no i need to do A Thing#im so sos so scared of the gender appointment even tho apparantly if i can manage to get the appoinment its prettymuch certain i get the hrt#idk. i cant ask parents to go with to gender appointment bc they are. kinda trying to discourage me tbh#i feel too weird about asking my sister(s??) about it and i cant articulate why even tho shes. a. only other people i can ask#b most transition knowing person i know#i can like. get there on my own fine i think im just. super aware that if things are too important i physically cant say them#and its the GET GENDER CARE APPOINTMENT so its. all. Super Important things#fuck.#idk what to do#also like i want to go to pride bc ive never been and ive actually remembered this year in pride month#but also. too scared on my own. only irl queer ppl i know is sister+partners. and theyre either busy or got their own plans#like w their friends bc they have a lot of queer friends. and that would be weird and lame of me to just. go w them then#i think this is what my support workers supposed to help me with but actually fuck i forgot to ever come out to her and idk her Trans Opinon#unfortunately gender appointment is something i both never want anyone to know what i said and a thing i need help with
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An idea I had for a different Rob desing . .
#Ngl I only did this because I wanted to have an idea on what should Rob look like in my brother's videogame#Because on his game there exists this place very similar to The Void and I asked him if he could add Rob in there and he said he could#But if he was gonna do it I had to change his desing so#yk- Copyright doesn't kill him#I tried to make it different but i'm not sure if it's different enough and that worries me#Buuuuuut aside from that I LOVE this drawing so much srs ^^#It kinda scared me to share it here though#Idk I felt it would be kinda cringe and maybe you all won't like it but whatever I have to keep this account alive somehow#i'm also travelling so that's why I won't be able to draw as much#(though i'll probably procastinate on it because I have no ideas)#the amazing world of gumball#tawog#tawog rob#rob tawog#my art
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hey so do you think wtv keiko had to deal with growing up with yusuke could be considered a type of parentification
#god chapters where barely anything happens except a character's realization about things can be hard ...#im writing another keiko pov chapter and it's hard because well!!#keiko was never really a main focus in the series and as time goes on she gets even less of a focus so i have to fill in these spots#in her personality and views that aren't really explored. im taking a lot of liberties lets say#and idek if it's gonna read as in character cos of that#anyway im tryna say that like. pre series keiko was basically this presence in yusuke's life and he saw her as a pain but he cared#she was there to scold him and cajole him into going to his classes and she was his only friend#now we know atsuko was negligent and idk how involved the yukimuras were in his life but i feel like keiko#whether directly or indirectly was given this duty like you have to keep him outta trouble#you're smart you're mature he needs someone like you. this responsibility just kind of put on her before she can understand the weight of i#and she can't really comprehend that weight until it's abruptly taken from her. yusuke dies and there's no one to shepherd#i feel like keiko should get to be mad about this. this realization of the nature of their dynamic. keiko planning things around yusuke#who's never done that in his life. not because he's purposely being thoughtless but bc he was never the one to have to plan#to think about what their future looks like. he just kinda drifted along and keiko tried to do damage control. it wasn't fair#yusuke is keeping secrets from her she is scared of high school and that he'll die again without her knowing why and it's unfair#so she should get to be mad also because girls getting to be mad is one of my favorite things 👍🏼#the realization that yusuke won't be lost without her so she shouldn't hinge her life on the expectation that he will be#she worries about yusuke a lot i think. especially after he comes back from the dead. and i think kuwa's presence would help ease that#dread in her heart. it doesn't have to be just me. there's someone who can be there with him always and it doesn't have to be me#the guilty relief of not having to be the sacrifice. but kuwa doesn't mind so maybe it's okay this way#idk just rambles about my fic while i puzzle out how to word it#character analysis#yukimura keiko#yu yu hakusho
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i've been diving a lot deeper into adhd symptoms and comorbidities and misdiagnoses and whenever i tell my boyfriend something i learned that sounds like me he responds with something like
#idk he knows me more than anyone bc i can't hide the parts i'm ashamed of from him#last night he was like. yeah EYE think you have adhd but i'm just some guy#idk i'm excited about this not because i want to be Quirky for internet reasons. yknow. but bc i've felt like an impostor of a human being#and i have no sense of self and i can't get myself to do basic tasks and the thought of doing something i don't want to do#genuinely makes me want to throw up/my brain shuts down/i can't think or talk or function to the point where i can't work.#so i can't support myself. so i feel terrible about myself. and i've been in and out of therapy for 20 years and have numerous diagnoses#that have never really felt like they fully encapsulate what's going on. and like. i've kinda just internalized that i'm not as good at#being a person as everyone else because i struggle so so much. like yeah i did well in school but i had to sacrifice literally everything#else to do that. idk how everyone else is managing to have a job and hobbies and friends#i get to pick like. one now. i used to be able to juggle everything to some degree although i felt like i was being careless in all areas#except school. i'm so scared of making mistakes or starting anything or talking to new people or trying new hobbies#because i know it won't interest me more than a couple weeks MAX and i'll feel listless and restless again#and i've come to understand this as part of who i am at my core. i'm just someone who can't commit and isn't reliable or a good friend#i just want so badly for that not to be the case because i want so badly to not be stuck like this#idk im going home to talk to my dad this weekend and just rest because i'm really really not doing well#which is why i'm scrambling to try to figure out what's going on with me because idk how much longer i feasibly can do this#and i might be moving back to the pnw bc therapists in pa don't work with medicaid#and no psychiatrists near me are taking new patients. and i can't work to get on private insurance. but therapists in or do work w medicaid#so idk. again if youre diagnosed w adhd and this sounds not like someone who is consuming social media brain rot content about adhd#but rather someone whose experiences you identify with. please let me know. please please#i am reaching out to professionals also but things move slowly and i'm trying to compile evidence so i don't sound like i'm making it up
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whats the point in life if everybody stops liking me the moment I start feeling even just a bit sad
#i am so so so lonely i feel like curling up and dying#and kinda like im gonna be sick#i don't wanna go to school tomorrow .. not if everybodys gonna ignore me#not even just my friends ignore me. everybody does#today i lived through that one scene in serial experiments lain where lain walks into class and her chair is missing from her desk#and nobody acknowledges it or anythign#my life always feels like a sel episode and im very scared and lonely#sorry for vent posts but i do not have anywhere else. i wanna die and i have no energy i feel sick#and i just haven't been able to draw properly for the past few days somehow#i can't execute any of my ideas and now school work is gonna start piling up#but the worst part is i feel all alone. im so alienated at school and its just like nobody in this world wants me around at all#i don't wanna go to school tomorrow .. why go into school if im gonna be alone there#but also why stay at home if ill be alone at home??? idk dude why is any of this even a thing#i should just find other people to talk to. i hope this year will be the year i stop being shy and find people that accept me#i really hope so#oh so this is#cw vent#i always forget to tag stuff nowadays
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interacting with people in the internet is hard man. i don't interact much with the jse community bc i feel like everyone and their mothers and seán are out to get me
#i get anxious i picture the person in the other side of the screen like ugh here comes this nobody#i kinda wanna do egotober but i am............ scared.................#idk why am i like this i used to be so bright so willing to interact#WHAT microtrauma got to me huh#i'm talking!!
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added too much milk to my tea. i fear my life may be over 💔💔
#it’s not actually that bad it’s kinda good. i just was not expecting it#and i’m used to the specific amount of milk i usually have and this was not it.#and that upset me.#but it’s okay!!! because it is just tea!!!! at least it’s not cold idk.#AT LEAST IT WASNT TOO MUCH SUGAR!!!#i am not a sugar person when it comes to tea. i need like. half a tsp#and thats only for black tea#everything else i drink black.#but if my tea has too much sugar it is not a good experience :(#i also really don’t like when it’s not stirred properly and you get to the bottom of the cup & it’s like oh!! sugar!!! no thanks!!#it’s also really weird to me that i am not a sugar in hot drinks person#because i fucking love sweet treats!!!!! like i am such a sugar enjoyer!!!!!!!!#i am the person that will eat things that everyone else says are too sweet!!!!#i am a horrendously sweet food enjoyer!!!! i like candy corn!!!!#but yeah. anyways#why have i said more in the tags than the actual post 💔💔💔#tea#idk. thst felt necessary#i also felt like i was doing a little hashtag tea moment yk.#lately i’ve really been enjoying saying hashtag ironically idk why.#scared people think it’s unironic but also i laugh every time i dk it so. idk.#ALSO I SO GENUINELY DO NOT CARE#nobody is actually going to remember that i said hashtag one time. like no one actually cares!!!!!#ok yeah anyways!!! bye :D
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i need more piercings
#i just have my ears pierced (in one place too sadly)#when im adult with money i will get so many piercings trust#id want a nose piercing (the one on the side o think the like. one in the part between the nostrilsl would look silly on my)#and like a bridge piercing (? the one like kinda on the nose part between the eyes?? y'know???)#i think a lip piercing would look silly on me though#need more ear piercings too tho for sure#idk if a tongue piercing would be cool or annoying. both maybe. think itd depend on if i can take it out (so research i will do later)#idk i just saw a picture of someone really cool looking on pinterest with a buncha piercings and was thinkin about it#my stuff#tbh at this point my mom is lucky im too scared of getting in trouble with her (and of getting an infection)#cuz otherwise i legit might just find a way to hash tag dee eye why
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