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jae-canikeepyou · 3 years ago

Text

| adjacent | j.jh

pair: jaehyun x fem!reader

word count: 18k+ (unedited & not proof read)

summary: jaehyun turns into a golden retriever whenever the day reaches the most beautiful time; golden hour. a secret he kept his entire life & always wonders how long he could keep it, especially when you suddenly showed up.

genre: au + golden retriever!jaehyun + hs!nct

a/n: idk what came to me as i brainstormed this but by now, nctzens and valentines should know jaehyun’s a golden retriever :3 so i decided to write a plot for this adorable fact T^T heavily inspired with fruits basket and beauty & the beast! i really hope you’ll like it. lmk what you think! enjoy reading lovelies! ~j

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time was ticking real quick.

he rushed through the bustling people, avoiding the narrow crowds and jay-walked countless pedestrian crossings. he needed to hide. no one should see him transform. there was little time left. why was he so careless each time this happened? his parents and younger brother warned him to be alert at all times. did he listen? no, never did. they compared him to a rock— hard headed and stubborn. but all he ever wanted was to be free.

curses! just a little more, a few metres more! he pant as he tried to catch air. he felt his flesh tingling, his senses doubling and tripling. jaehyun peddled as fast as he could, at least reach the line of bushes by the basketball court. hopping over the plants, he threw his bag aside and jumped off his bike before bracing for the fall.

the now broken bell sounded horrible as jaehyun’s brother caught up to him with his skateboard. “dad’s gonna kill you if you ask for another bike for your birthday.” he sighed looking at the loosened chain while picking up the single-track vehicle and the scattered clothes.

jaehyun transformed to a golden retriever puppy and struggled to come out of the bushes with his tiny paws and body. when he succeeded, he scratched the back of his ears to brush off the leaves stuck to them. “won’t happen, sungchan. i’ve already saved up enough by then. i’m not gonna burden dad for my wants.”

sungchan pressed the bridge of his nose. “you’re kinda being a burden now.” he picked the animal— his brother— up and put him inside his coat, as well as the belongings on the ground. he hopped on the bike and headed towards jaehyun’s campus.

“what did you say?” jaehyun barked tried opening the zipper from the inside of sungchan’s coat.

“nothing.” the younger excused. “but can i have your bike if you actually plan to get a new one?”

“ugh just bring me to the court. i’ll be late for my morning practice.”

the brothers were able to communicate telepathically as they’re related and were both cursed. instead of golden hour, sungchan transforms during the blue hour, which occured at twilight. tracing back to their ancestors, all were cursed for unknown inexplainable circumstances. they tried breaking it with all they could. every idea ended a failure. so they had to live through it, adjust, adapt and be alert.

they bumped into ten, kun and jungwoo, who were doing warm-ups and they simultaneously trailed their eyes and heads towards the jung brothers. seeing the huge pouch on sungchan’s stomach area, they all cracked up and checked the time. “oh yeah, it’s sunrise.” jungwoo spun the ball on his pointer finger.

ten grabbed the pup with one hand and jaehyun barked at him but he couldn’t understand a thing. although he was confused, he continued to carry him in his palm because jaehyun’s response was funny. “what is he trying to say?” he chuckled and poked the pup’s snout.

“he said ‘it hurts. put me down idiot’. i have to be honest with you hyung. holding us by the back of the neck really hurts.” unlike his brother, he was rather calm and collected despite already imagining the pain.

“you’re a blue holland lop bunny. it’s normal to carry you like this too right?” ten showed the pup to sungchan.

kun facepalmed at the question and took jaehyun. “no dimwit it’s not normal. sorry jae. you know he just likes teasing your puppy form.”

“‘wait until i turn back’- ugh seriously do i really have to translate hyung’s words every time?” sungchan gave jaehyun’s clothes and bike to jungwoo. “you know what to do when he transforms back yeah?”

they nodded and upon seeing the kid leave and headed towards his campus, jaehyun couldn’t wait to turn human. he would always beat ten up almost immediately— sometimes forgetting that he was naked. for the dudes it was alright. the problem was if he was with girls, though he hasn’t encountered anyone so far. he hoped he didn’t have to.

the harsh drills from basketball practice already sucked the energy out of jaehyun. not only that it was physically tiring, transforming into a dog twice a day before that have doubled the strain. then him transforming back would cause migraines and painful joints, as they were the aftermath of the curse. he had to keep his title of m.v.p and captain since the told them there was a possibility of him of having a scholarship for college. he couldn’t let a minor pain hinder that chance. not ever.

however, ten and the others could read his suffering. to them it was obvious through his exhales and slowing speed. hiding it was of no use. jungwoo ruffled his hair with a clean towel after shower. “can’t you just be like that dog in the movie ‘up’? have a collar that translates barks into actual language?”

jaehyun rolled his eyes and wore his black t-shirt. “it’s a damn movie, jungwoo. the world might’ve evolved and advanced in technology and even if they were to exist they’d be expensive. can’t afford that.”

“you sound negative, don’t you have any hope at all?” kun joined the conversation.

“never had any. stopping this curse is impossible. it’s been generations. my dad’s still suffering too. i have to find a way.” he fixed his black cap in front of a mirror.

but he knew there wasn’t. silence loomed above them as the team struggled to continue the topic. they tried not to bring it up yet each time they did, it always ended awkwardly and badly. it was either they riled jaehyun’s mood— mostly ten— or jaehyun himself was building his own raincloud by sulking about it and not looking at the bright side.

how ironic it was, he thought. generally speaking, even though being golden had good intentions and the breed was meant to bring happiness to others, he felt the total opposite. if he had to describe it, it was all insecurity, lowered his self-esteem and hopelessness only increased over the years as he grew.

thinking about it, he slammed the locker a little too hard that its components caused it to bounce back.. and also added to fuel of his anger. “break that again you’ll be in the coach’s office.” kun tied his shoelaces and the others agreed.

“my dad is the coach, what do you mean?” he questioned at the stupidity.

“you didn’t show up the last time it broke. we got the punished in your stead. uncle wasn’t happy.” ten got out of the showers last, a towel was wrapped around his waist before the younger ones were scarred for a second.

“it was sunset and i transformed! of all people dad’s supposed to understand! i-” jaehyun rubbed his face quite agressively and headed straight outside.

“oi i’m still changing! wait up!”

jaehyun kicked the bike’s stand attached to the rear wheel. he and his father didn’t have the best relationship compared with other kids, but he could say that it was better than the relationship he had with his mother. she loved her little family, yet over time the curse grew onto her. her husband would turn into a werewolf at full moon. and until now, even though that happened once month, she thought a part of him wasn’t the same person she loved before. even more so, when her sons were just the same as him.

your mom’s delusional! she doesn’t love us! she fears us!

that feeling stayed in the boys’ mind until they were old and mature enough to comprehend the situation they’re in. why couldn’t she love them like any mom would? she was no different from an animal mother abandoning her calf/pup just because they were or had defects.

mr. jung tried his best to be the perfect father, for only he understood what his two sons were going through, as they might go through decades with it, just like he was. jaehyun still remembered his first transformation, he only had puppy paws, but that was a sign to mr. jung that he indeed inherited the curse. when sungchan grew a tail at a fine age of one, their father gave up his 9-5 hour office job to tend the boys. and that was before he became jaehyun’s basketball coach. now he could monitor them at a close range.

much to jaehyun’s dismay and for that reason, he felt more caged and overprotected.

—

“y/n! coach’s looking for you!�� your classmate called.

no.. you groaned. again?..

it was already after school hours. you slouched on your desk as you covered your ears, remembering the errands he asked you to do previously. you didn’t know why, but ever since you had detention because you refused to run a 1600m marathon for an assessment, seemed like the other punishment was that he passed his job to you. that was a month ago, and today was the tenth time.

but curious as you were to find answers, you brushed it off and tried not to show any remorse. it’s all for conduct, you kept telling yourself. the whistle echoed the entire hallway and jolting you up in your seat. “okay, okay! hold on!” you yelled from the back of the classroom.

as coach jung stood rather comfortably outside the room, he gestured you to walk faster with a dimpled smile. “y/n! took you approximately three minutes to walk here.” he laughed and handed you several files and a zipper folder.

“thanks for counting?..” you replied with a confused and questioning tone. “coach, what’s this?”

“all school sports teams will have an annual retreat before their playoff seasons. i need a representing manager since ours was admitted to a hospital just today.” he pointed at the list. you followed his finger and it landed on your name.

“sounds like to me it’s more practice. and you want me to go because?” you raised your brows. he asked you to follow him to the gymnasium, in which it was making you recall all those extra detention after school.

“to make up with all of the p.e assessments you ‘purposely’ missed.” he said proudly while looking at his team doing drills. but he didn’t get any response from you. when he looked on his side, you were gone and ran across the basketball gym. “y/f/n!”

you squealed as embarrassment crawled your entire body. not only were you escaping from coach, you were disrupting the team’s practice and hitting couple of duffel bags and water bottles. “ah! sorry! coming through!”

*whistles* “after her!” coach jung’s voice added an extra chill to your spine.

“ugh why us?” ten groaned with sore muscles as coach gestured to them widely.

“just go.” kun panted.

then you heard a several footsteps turn into drums until they sounded a stampede. you jumped on your toes as you passed the line of showers cubicles. good thing you haven’t seen a naked man, or else you’d faint without knowing. you turned around and went straight ahead then to your right, and hid in a random room. the echoing voices and squeaking friction between shoes and waxed floors were cut to a silence, like your ears were muffled instantly.

your wobbly legs were tired and you were sighing in exhaustion and crouched down against the door. great, i’ll stay out of their sight- “what are you doing here?” you heard a low voice and froze on the spot. “only members of the basketball team can access the meeting room.”

that sounded like the captain.

“did you hear what i just said?” he raised his brows. you slowly lifted your eyes from his shoes to his legs, then to his built and face. “well if you’re a nobody you might as well leave before coach arrives. you interrupted my recording-”

“i heard you jung jaehyun.” you tsked and realised you had the name list on your hand. “ah, as a matter of fact, i can be here because i am part of the team. my name’s on the list.” you grabbed a pen and ticked the empty box on the paper.

what are you saying, stupid?!

“uh-huh..” jaehyun trailed, putting down his camera.

“y-yeah!” you stuttered. “you heard me.”

the door shook by the loud knocks from the other side. on the frosted window, you could see four figures. orange and black jerseys, they must be the team members. “ah! the door’s locked! she’s definitely in here coach!” one said.

“i’ll toss you the keys!” he yelled. oh crap. you were caught in between. your heart patterned with the knocks.

“you look terrified after hearing coach, y/n.” the chair squeaked from the weight. “i’m guessing you’re that troublesome student he has a hard time dealing with recently?”

of course captain knows you. great reputation you have, y/n.

“so? what’s your point?” you stood up to see his amused grin.

“say hello to a term’s detention.” jaehyun waved as the door swung open, revealing ten, kun, jungwoo and.. the coach.

you sighed heavily and dropped the papers. the coach crossed his arms and you lowered your head a little. “you plan to escape again y/n? then i shouldn’t hear any excuses from you. you’ll join us for the twelve day retreat. period.” he picked the papers up and wrote something.

“sir i can’t be with a bunch of jocks for that long!” your whine had the captain blocking his ears. “i have debate finals to attend to.”

jaehyun flinched at the high pitched sound and rolled his eyes. what was your deal? it was rude of you to suddenly barge into athlete’s quarters but judging them for that was even more rude of you. he had to shut you up at some point.

“so much excuses.” he played with his nails and to you he looked more amused than ever. you rolled your eyes at his chuckle and know he would target you from now on. “dad, y/n told me she’s ‘part of the team’.” he played his video that recorded your voice, clearly saying what jaehyun heard.

coach jung looked rather surprised, but his smile definitely screamed happy. “oh? that’s all i needed to hear. welcome, uh- temporarily. i’ll inform mrs. park about the situation.”

nononono- “i did this.” you were at a loss for words. “i won’t be able to compete in the debate.”

“yeah pretty much you made the wrong decision.” jaehyun stood to tower over you. “i’d like to see you suffer our drills-”

four knocks cut jaehyun off. “oh no, she’ll only do those for two days.”

you swifted your head in confusion, seeing coach jung wrote down your schedule on the white board. you were packed and it’s a lot worse than the actual assessment planned in school. “and what about the rest of the ten days?!” you exasperated that your hairtie snapped at the right moment, and your hair fell in sightful way.

“ooh that was hot.” ten commented in soft whisper, causing kun and jungwoo nudge him on the each side.

“she’ll be our manager for the remaining days, keep track of our drills and score points, or other extra things i needed a hand with while taeyang’s in the hospital.”

jaehyun rested his palms on his waist, swirling his tongue inside with a provoking gaze at you. “see if you can keep up, manager.” he chuckled.

you checked the time, it was nearing 5 p.m. “you know what, give me a day to process all this sport thing. it’s close to evening and i have to get going-”

“it’s evening already?” jaehyun cut you off as he looked outside the window.

the sun glistening at the distance while the sky showed a pretty ombré of warm colours. his senses doubled again and his whole body ached. he had to make you leave. it was already enough that his friends knew about his situation. there’d only be more trouble if you knew too.

“uh duh? the clock’s right there.” you pointed.

“hm, anyway you have to leave now.”

“sheesh i was going to anyway.” you rolled your eyes, but felt jaehyun’s palms behind your back. “hey stop pushing!”

“you’re too slow!” his tone changed. different than the usual because panic was what you felt from his palms. “quickly!”

the rest of the boys could tell you were pissed. they couldn’t understand why jaehyun had to make a fuss out of it when all he had to do was to kindly ask you. using force would only cause misunderstandings, like what’s happening now. “hey what’s your deal?!” you flicked his arms. “do you like to push people around? just because i’ll be with the team for the next two weeks, that doesn’t mean you could treat me like this already!”

“tsk so noisy! you’re wasting time! just leave would you?!” jaehyun turned you around towards the door.

this time you wouldn’t budge. “no jung jaehyun i need an explanation with this stupid attitude of yours!” you wriggled off of his hold, pushing him back with pats several times more that he stepped backwards.

“i don’t owe you an explanation!”

“you definitely do?!”

“why can’t you listen to what i say?”

“why can’t you stop being pushy, pushy?”

“you’re the one pushing me! time’s ticking y/n!”

the continuous back and forth of bickers and the war of pushing each other was an idiotic sight. your wrist was in jaehyun’s palms as he gripped you tighter. “i don’t care captain jerk! it wouldn’t bother you or hurt you to just give me one reason- and he slammed the door at my face! argh!”

jaehyun smirked wide and proudly knowing that he ‘won’ argument. silencing you was better than letting you see his other form. the boys stared him once he turned around to face them. “what?” he questioned,

“definitely not the right way to treat a girl.” they all said simultaneously.

“you know how bad it makes me feel when you all said it at the same time?” jaehyun pressed the bridge of his nose.

he knew well enough that this wasn’t his usual self. he’s good friends with you despite being in different teams of the school. you both took literature as your electives. sometimes you’d let him copy your notes when he had matches or leave small appetisers and juice cartons when he was tired and vice versa.

but no matter how close you both were, he couldn’t afford to let you see his other self.

not just yet.

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waking up so early in the day to assist the team was way more annoying than birds chirping by your bedroom’s window. instead of hearing their tuneful tweets, you had to endure endless phone calls every minute. you couldn’t remember much from that day because you passed out. and the team didn’t look for you until yesterday.

coach jung waved to catch your attention, only to be greeted with your huge yawn and a disinterested face.

“ah there she is! c’mon now, i got the green light from mrs. park. she agreed that p.e is the only subject you’re likely to fail this semester, so she’s giving you a cool-off from the team and focus on here.”

“yep. heard you coach.” you tied up your hair, only listening to half of what he said. “where’s the captain?”

kun did few stretches & jumps, his expression mirrored the other two boys who were also doing the same. you had a feeling about this— their telepathic gaze and awkward silence. you took a basketball to pass it to ten. “is he still mad about me calling him a jerk? that was a few days ago and i didn’t expect him to be that sensitive.”

they laughed because they couldn’t deny his obvious trait. “he doesn’t show it but somehow you know he is.” ten passed the ball back to you. “but not this morning y/n. he’s late for.. another reason.”

you hopped to catch it yet you were a second late, and groaned as you had to run far to retrieve it. “uh-huh. nature calls in the morning, again?” you yelled.

“do you think she knows about jaehyun?” jungwoo asked the older ones. they eyed you rummaging in the bushes for the ball, later looking back at each other for answers, but no one knew how your mind worked. “it’s been five days and no word from her at all.”

“if she actually does, i guess she just doesn’t want to be involved? i think we can trust her for that.” kun drank from his bottle.

ten didn’t look convinced. “involved or not, we have to make sure she doesn’t tell anyone about jaehyun’s curse. keep an eye on her-”

“ah!” they heard your squeals and ruffles from the bushes. “guys look what i found!”

kun sighed when they saw you running back with a golden retriever puppy in your arms, taking back his words said earlier.

“uh-oh. that scream means she has no clue at all.” jungwoo brushed his hair up.

“this puppy is so cute! i wonder what it’s doing here? are you lost?” you hugged and sniffed into its fur and gosh it smelled like vanilla shampoo. there was a metal collar around its neck, the piece spelled “jj”. “aww it has a name!”

no matter how happy you looked from the boys, they couldn’t help but take a photo of you and ‘puppy’ jaehyun. they had to tell you before it was too late. the golden hour in the morning was shorter than sunset, so either they would tell you straight up, or let jaehyun transform back to human.

but guess what? they were too late. they shouldn’t have second-guessed.

what had happened was way beyond your comprehension. it was in an instant. all it felt in totality was that, you weren’t carrying a puppy anymore. you lost balance and the weight in your arms doubled or tripled, you couldn’t tell. but you knew you were falling backwards. was there to brace for impact? none.

you blinked several times from the orange sunrise blinding your vision from the window. slowly you got up to sit and soothe the pain. that hurt..

here’s the thing. remember you mentally told yourself you hoped you didn’t run into any naked boy in the basketball team’s showers? there you have it. you jinxed it. jaehyun’s figure was on top of yours and you knew he had no clothes on. oh goodness.

“hyung? you forgot your lunch box- oh.” sungchan barged in the scene and everyone could tell he sort of malfunctioned. he froze then facepalmed.

you took turns into looking at the embarrassed jaehyun and at the boys who whistled to avoid the numbers of questions you were going to ask.

kun quickly shielded your eyes where your doubts were showing in your face. and no matter how much thought hard, you just couldn’t believe it. with fear written all over you, you dusted your pants and hands reached kun’s arm to support your weight.

“oh so you shielded her eyes but not my body?!” jaehyun’s voice entered your ears and you swore there was a hint of puppy whimper.

“this is a dream.. right?..” you asked before you fainted.

sungchan managed to save you from the fall. “whoa! ah, i had a feeling something like this would happen.”

—

“was she always like that?” minnie took a peep of your classroom, her eyes showed confusion. “is she tired?”

lisa shrugged and in her innocence she pursed her lips. “i don’t know. she’s been sighing a lot for the past hour? i wanna ask her but it might be too personal.”

you could her them and they were wrong. it was nothing personal at all. you’ve been sighing because you didn’t know how it was possible but it just happened— right before your eyes. since then you hoped that science could explain but not even the smartest people could give you a conclusion. you’ve been called out from lessons that came in the day and not that you didn’t blame jaehyun.

because for one thing, he at least told you the truth and the answer to your question as to why he had to make you leave that day. you propped your chin on your palms from jaehyun’s warning: “tell anyone i swear i’ll make you run a hundred laps with no water breaks.”

but the other thing? he was naked. and that’s not something you could erase in your memories overnight.

you let out a small whine that led to minnie and lisa copying your position, obviously making fun of you. “seriously, not a good time.” you laid on the table and hid from them. “don’t ask me anything.”

minnie and lisa looked at each other as you were being unreasonable and already gotten them curious with your remark. they both grabbed each of your arm, tugging on your sleeves where they begged nonstop for you tell them what had happened. they knew it was about the basketball team.

since you started to train and be with them, you’ve never complained. because if you did, coach jung would add another exercise for you, in which you knew you couldn’t handle. broken bones and sore muscles awaited for you. so you chose not to utter a single sigh, but you were careless just now and there was no escaping from these best friends of yours.

“c’mon y/n! tell us the deets! you sighing could only mean one thing.. did someone confess to you?” minnie closed her eyes and a wide smile suddenly became shrieks of laughter when you facepalmed. “oh who in the basketball team confessed?” she singsonged.

it’s not really a confession, jaehyun being a golden puppy is a secret that was never meant to be revealed but i happened to see him transform-

“what if it’s not a guy? maybe two? or three? oh gosh this is like a reverse harem anime-” lisa began to hype an awful assumption but you covered her lips. and plus? her voice was loud and how embarrassing it would be when the rest of the class heard it.

you were already restless at their energy. “none you idiots. i was sighing because i didn’t know that people with dimples would be that attractive.” you tried to divert the topic.

“pfft you’re talking about jung jaehyun?” lisa raised her brows and grinned teasingly to get a reaction from you.

“no, i’m taking about coach jung.” you hit her arm.

“but jaehyun’s his carbon copy, so you’re basically saying he’s handsome too.” minnie quickly rebutted.

“i mean, coach’s the original face so he’s definitely more handsome-” you paused. shoot they nearly got you to a corner. “wait- why are we talking about this? i thought we’re talking about me.”

“ah you were paying attention to our conversation?” minnie’s eyes grew.

“you’re not telling us anything dimwit.” lisa hit you back.

couple of squeals echoed the corridor and your classroom door crowded with people. apparently jaehyun stood by the door frame and scanned the room looking for you. when he spotted you, his face bubbled up and literally glided his way to your seat. you could tell he was slightly fuming, but you didn’t know what reason. “y/f/n! come here for a second!” he grabbed your wrists and pulled you up from your chair.

you tried to catch up with his pace as he continued to pull you. “let me go!”

jaehyun did in fact let go of you, but he instead led you to hit your back against numerous lockers. the squeals didn’t stop there and how that you were the centre of attention amongst all of the students, you had endure this for a little while. he was staring into your soul, eyes piercing that could strain yours, you knew he was pissed about something.

he slammed his forearms at the space right above your head, then the screams of giddy began to grow louder. you managed to see your friends at the far end of the corridor. they were smiling and lisa mouthed ‘kabedon’, making you flustered than you already were. “what do you want?” you asked.

“i thought i made myself clear?” jaehyun smirked as he felt you quiver against his skin. he leaned lower that his whispers tickled your ear. “did you tell anyone? your friends?”

“i’m not gonna risk my health for some dumb secret.” you rolled your eyes and crossed arms.

“please it’s not like our training puts your life on jeopardy-” jaehyun butted back.

“it’s safe with me. if there’s anything you’re worried about, just look at your fanbase. you’re making them sad.” you sighed, walking away and through the girls who has been following jaehyun around.

jaehyun exhaled at a rather slow pace. he liked your reaction and was aware of their presence. and in order to shoo them away, he had to do what he did. he just hoped you’d notice that too. “see you after school!” he yelled.

you briefly stopped in your tracks at his greet, you continued walking and pulled your girls away from the scene. you didn’t pay any attention, but you knew they couldn’t contain their smiles appearing on their faces.

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the bags full of foldable cones fell to the floor. the rest of the team turned to your direction, who already made mistakes on the first day of camp. they knew that you were obviously flabbergasted with your encounter. it was funny that you managed to stride your way so quickly towards jungwoo— he was very much entertained with your expression. “i know right? that was me earlier.” he stroked the large pup.

“h-how did puppy grow so big? that’s an adult sized dog! you stuttered but hiding your love for golden retrievers just wasn’t possible. there were times you forgot that this was actually jaehyun. “it’s only been a week.”

“yeah i’d like to know the reason too.”

suddenly you heard jaehyun’s voice. it felt like he was close to your ears again, but he wasn’t anywhere near you.

remains of memories probably were still in you head. you wouldn’t say you were traumatised, just surprised. why the hell am i hearing his voice? you shook the thought off at first but then again-

oi y/n. beside you. i’m talking to you!

what?

you gasped and fell on your butt. the pup’s ears were on alert and you knew he was hearing you too. “you can hear me?” jaehyun’s dog form practically towered on your fallen self. you avoided his look although the pup was so cute. his paws poked your shoulders, whiskers twitching as he waited for your response. “don’t look away! you can hear me right??”

all the guys could see was jaehyun staring down at you. and while you did the same, your knitted brows only meant something was definitely going on. they wanted to know. “what’s wrong y/n?”

your lips shook in heavens knows it was fear. “you’re asking me what’s wrong? why can i hear jaehyun? can you hear jaehyun? oh my g- this is really really weird-”

“you can?” they scooted closer to you, very much intrigued with your gift.

“and you all can’t?” you pushed jaehyun away for his body was weighing you down. he whimpered and got up to sit in front of the boys too.

they shook their heads vigorously. “only sungchan and coach were able to hear him.” kun stated, typing on his cellphone to inform his family.

“y/n! let’s talk when i transform back!” jaehyun’s paws kept poking you again. you glared at him with a loud hiss. his ears were alert, he didn’t realise that he was clawing you already, and turned a few rounds before he was laying like a bagel-shaped position.

jaehyun thought it was pretty strange. never in his life were there any people who could actually converse with him telepathically. other than his family, you were the first and he was determined to find out why this impossibility was made possible. there was a spark of hope forming in his heart at this sudden revelation. the glow from the orange light then shone above your head, marking the end of sunrise.

you looked at jaehyun’s dog form, it was- correction, he was.. quiet, and was still staring at you as if you were his master. he laid on this front legs, snout on the ground. huh, he can actually be behaved. footsteps were closing in. at the distance, coach jung walked with lisa and minnie, who were in their cheerleading uniforms. right, you forgot that they were also included in the annual athletes camp.

for a moment you panicked because you knew jaehyun would transform back from being a dog. ten and rest knew more people shouldn’t know about jaehyun’s curse. they were glad you read the atmosphere too. seeing jaehyun’s jersey in his duffel bag, you grabbed it and wore it on the animal.

coach jung made eye contact to your direction. he diverted the girls’ attention, and led them away from the basketball court. they headed towards the storage to “retrieve” some equipment.

jaehyun grunted and growled, his fangs tried to bite your skin. however, goldens were known for having a soft jaw, so his bites weren’t that painful. when you finally managed to put the jersey on him, jungwoo couldn’t catch up. “why let him wear the jersey?” he questioned.

“so he wouldn’t transform back naked when lisa and minnie arrives.” you pointed out the obvious.

ten held his laugh in. you recognised this tone, and prepared what came after. “heh..” he trailed off. “is it because you want to keep jaehyun to yourself?”

you continuously threw random items at him as heat spread to your cheeks. “screw you!” you scoffed. “get jaehyun to wear his pants. i have to pack a lot of things before we head onto the bus.”

“yes ma’am.” ten nudged your shoulder. “i’m kidding y/n. don’t take my jokes seriously.“

“it’s fine.” you picked up the fallen cones. “you’re worried about people knowing his curse. so i’m just doing my part to keep it secret.”

he pursed his lips and his heart softened at your willingness to help. “hm, i guess i can trust you after all.” ten opened the bag to help you pack. “oh! and also, jae in his dog form already is naked anyway.”

“you think i’m not aware of that?” you rolled your eyes.

your friends already have settled themselves inside the coach bus and you were seated in between them. now they would get to witness you with the team and hoped for a budding romance with any of the boys. you lowered your face under a cap to pretend you were sleeping, but in reality you just wanted to avoid lisa and minnie’s bombardment.

few rows at front, jaehyun stared by the window, deep in thought. rarely spoke a word since they started their journey to the retreat campsite. why was his hunch telling him to get closer to you? why could you hear him and he could hear you? he slightly turned to his side between the gaps of two seats. seeing you giggling with your friends had him rethinking if what happened earlier was just his imagination. he wondered why you purposely ignore him after he transformed back.

he slid lower from his seat. “i’d understand if this was a soulmate thing, but it’s not.” jaehyun sighed heavily where he broke the silence and supposedly ending the conversation earlier. now that he wanted to talk about it, his friends were still up for the news.

“oh yeah. those things are going on. except it only happens to some people.” kun popped a chip in his mouth.

“i just don’t get it. dad told me that never occurred to anyone with this curse.” he stole the bag of chips from the younger one to relieve his emotions.

jungwoo’s pursed his lip in wonder. “maybe the curse in another light has its own blessing? maybe you guys are soulmates?”

“nah, impossible.” they all said simultaneously.

“it’s a possibility-” jungwoo’s face soured where wrinkles appeared on the sides as the boys flared at him.

jaehyun shrugged not knowing what to say. his friends have bizarre ideas throughout the journey, and he wouldn’t say they were wrong either. all he could do was to wait until the next transformation. maybe you would say your thoughts about it through telepathy.

he would know if time passed quickly when he didn’t pay attention to anyone. one of them was the number of times you waved in front of his face to snap him back to earth. “jaehyun?” you laid on the ground and called out, panting to catch air after your successful reps. you tugged the ends of his track pants.

“hm?” he hummed, looking for your voice until he got annoyed with your repetitive pulls of his clothes. “ah stop that. i have to report your record to coach. come with?”

“do i really have to?” you whined. “i could barely stand, my legs are wobbly and i’m hungry.”

jaehyun rolled his eyes and took your hand, pulling you up on your toes. “then let’s grab something to eat on our way to the camp, hm?”

you gulped at the sudden gesture, even more so when you noticed your heart beating faster around him. somehow your sixth sense told you your friends were somewhere in the woods looking at you, and you were right.

minnie had her binoculars by her eyes as you and jaehyun headed in another direction back to everyone else were. she held in her excitement with a huge inhale. out of curiosity lisa stole the binoculars from her. a growing smile showed her pearly whites when within its frame, jaehyun was pushing you from the back before he took your hand again because of how slow you were. “min, consider your reverse harem dream for y/n over. we found her leading man.”

—

“few more reps y/n! do it properly this time?”

jaehyun rubbed his face, raising his tone in question of your athleticism. it was the second and final day of your assessments. your core should be able to get used to the pressure if you’ve done the reps for two straight days. so as of today you salute to all people who persevered and with great stamina. you just.. weren’t that person.

you’ve grown conscious now that jaehyun’s friends were watching a few metres away. you’d prefer kun counting and timing your exercises over him. in contrast, kun’s a little more understanding than the hotheaded jaehyun. “if i say i can’t, shouldn’t you consider stopping here? it’s the last one anyway so put random number on the blank or something.” you struggled to lift yourself up from the ground, arms in an ‘x’ position over your torso.

“is that so? then you wouldn’t mind if i write ‘0’ for the final count?” jaehyun checked the stopwatch while his knees put enough weight on your feet. “at least do five more?” he sat on the soles of his shoes.

“ugh! fine!” you tsked and did sit ups slowly, eyes shut closed.

jaehyun smirked with how determined you were in finishing. and he has gotta credit you for having the last brain cell to endure his overly playful bossiness and plans up his sleeves.

but even his friends has something up in their sleeves. they whispered to each other and nodded heads as excitement already boosted their anticipation. ten cupped his mouth then giving the raised brows as signal to start. “y/n! jaehyun’s recording your expression with his phone!” ten yelled.

jungwoo’s mouth widened and followed along. “jae! there’s a bee behind you!”

“what?!”

“where?!”

the moment you froze and opened your eyes after bringing yourself up, and jaehyun leaned forwards to avoid the insect, was way too hilarious for the guys to see. both of your faces were centimetres away from each other and jaehyun’s ears already tinted pink. jaehyun already found it awkward to help you for three days, but he never prepared himself for something like this.

as his friends bursting out laughing, that was when he realised it was all their plan. you were still too close to him, so he cleared his throat to cut the gap between. “is that a pimple on your nose?” he asked, only for his nose to be smacked and soon be numbed. “agh!”

what the- “jerk! don’t point it out!” you kicked him and rolled sideways to stand up, angrily leaving the area with the sheet in your hands. “i’ll give this to the coach!”

jaehyun held his nose and walked back to the guys, who were still laughing their butts off and rolling on the ground. “you can stop now.”

“oh that was funny! it was like a typical ‘ba-dump’ scene in a rom-com!” jungwoo wiped a tear.

“should’ve recorded it!” kun threw his head back while his hand rested on his heaving chest.

“no worries! at least it’s recorded in jaehyun’s mind!” ten cheered with closed fists.

“it’s embarrassing!” jaehyun threw his towel.

bonfires were mandatory at the start and end of the camp. however, because of your assessment, coach jung had negotiate with the other members of the basketball to get to the campsite a day before the other teams actually arrived at night. so for the kun and the rest, they had a little more free time than jaehyun. and him being the coach’s son.. he didn’t have the same benefits. he was stuck with you because he had to keep an eye on you while

he thought being with you would only be for the first two days, then he would go for his training. and yet here you were, sitting beside him in front of the bonfire while everyone else arrived and other danced to their hearts’ content. maybe he could ask you about the telepathy thing? but figuring you were cranky from earlier, he held back.

“can i ask more about your curse? if it’s okay with you to tell me.”

jaehyun nodded, you had the right to. not because you accidentally picked a random puppy then saw him naked few moments later. you could hear him in your head, and that was enough reason to tell you rather than a general information about it. “yeah. i’m okay with it.”

“you said your ancestors had the curse too. was there any specific reason why they had to suffer that your family and you had to be the..” you paused for a while. jaehyun was waiting for your next words, you guessed it was alright to say it. “..collateral damage?”

“right. i didn’t tell you more of it yeah?” he sniffed from the chilly night. “i don’t know how far back in the years it happened. but they said the head of the family casted out his wife because he assumed he cheated on him. he was the only person the wife ever treasured, so when she was accused, she took his pet and killed it. the head found out, he cursed her that her descendants turn into animals. and we’re the descendants of that woman.”

“that’s awful.” you cleared your throat. “i’m sorry you have to suffer the curse.”

“you don’t have to be. i’m just trying to cope with it.” jaehyun chuckled. “how awesome would it be if there was a way to reverse everything.”

“gotta find the blessing then.” you laid on the grass.

jaehyun’s face wrinkled in disgust. “okay you sound like jungwoo.”

“at least appreciate me for trying to lift your spirits up.”

he hummed in agreement.

“or you can just.. let the blessing find you.” you singsonged as you realised how corny you actually sounded.

“fine, and if it’s you?” he had to give a hint of the telepathic communication.

“because i can hear you when you’re in your retriever form? i’m not exactly a blessing but yeah i’d like to know how telapthy works too.” you stared back at the bonfire, flames flickering as the smoke flew in the air. as of tonight, you wanted to be that person who’d be the igniter of that hope he held on. “if i could help out a little, i’ll be happy to help.”

��━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

lisa and minnie stared at you, both had their palms under their chins as if their silence asked you to talk. “i can’t eat when the two of you are like this. it’s very disturbing.” you gripped on your fork, hesitant to eat as you took glances between the food and them.

you knew what they were going to ask. not like you didn’t want to share, it was just that you knew them well enough that they wouldn’t stop once they start. the food was getting cold every second passed, due to the wind outdoors, it was more vulnerable. lisa stretched her elbows while holding her poms to be noticed. five days have gone by and even though you were rarely with them in all those days, she had to ensure you’d tell them about the basketball team and your leading man— although you had no idea about that.

“any updates?” she raised her brows.

“nothing is happening with me or anyone in the team, if that’s what you both wanted to know.” you sighed. “i’m just simply taking down minutes.” you said sternly, kind of regret that you answered her and swirled the noodles with your fork.

“are you sure? twelve members should be enough for that.” minnie tied her shoelaces and bent down with a pressed smile when you pout. she softened her gaze when you were telling the truth and that their teasing should stop there. but they knew that the team should know something about you.

“they’re divided into teams. some did the score board while others practiced on their own. of course i have to be the one- why are you pulling my arm?” you asked and eyed them as if they stained your clothes.

lisa twirled on her toes and posed with her arm rested on her waist. “you’re being quiet again.”

“i’m not?” you said monotonously while you munched on your food.

she sighed and grabbed your chin. “you don’t look at me when you’re lying.” she hummed, yet you didn’t respond. “what’s up y/n? something’s on your mind i can tell.”

in fact a lot of things were.

so far in the week, you’ve helped jaehyun theorise solutions to end his curse after practice. not only for him, but his family and extended family too. some have passed not having to enjoy their lives, while others chose to hide themselves from the world. and a small percentage of the family tree actually tried to live through it— that was jaehyun’s family. coach jung was as determined as jaehyun to put a stop into this curse.

not only that thought alone. to you, jaehyun has been rather noticeable. even if you weren’t thinking of him, he’d appear out of nowhere— during your breaks, on your night-walks alone or even heading to the toilet. you’d always bump into him and his presence seemed to be marked in your consciousness now. not that you liked him around, it was just captain was more friendly than others made him out to be. “really, it’s nothing.”

to say that jaehyun didn’t feel same was definitely an understatement. since the start of the freshman year, he knew you were the loud girl with the two hot cheerleaders, but always wondered why you’ve never joined the team. sometimes he would catch you sitting at one corner, dancing along with the routines aside from cheering your friends on as he was heading to practice.

now he took a peek of you eating alone while lisa and minnie showed off their new uniforms. he was about to call you out to help the team, but the girls pulling you almost immediately once you were done had him holding back. “chaeyeon will be arriving soon, and remember the dare was to wear our uniform.” minnie giggled while you begged her to stop, to the point you nearly cried thinking about it. “you agreed to it-”

“i didn’t agree to it! you agreed for me! i had no say!”

jaehyun’s eyes widened at the thought of you in uniform. your yells were getting louder and pitchier. should he be your knight and shining armour? probably not. he’d like to have something to tease you about. for a moment there was silence, he hid behind the corner of a storage building. you were still telling your friends to stop doing what they were doing. but it was two against one, and he knew you were at the losing end.

the door slammed open, your huffs and puffs getting heavier and closer to where he was. jaehyun’s heart beat so fast that when he finally decided to call out your name, you bumped into him and he caught you to prevent you from falling. “i was about to fetch you, manager.”

you felt heat spread your entire cheek because of the attire you were forced to wear. “well you did and i’m here. can we go? my friends are giving me the stares.”

“fiesty, but i think you look alright.” he chuckled when you grumpily walked ahead. jaehyun followed you from behind with his hands in pockets.

what does he mean by that?

lisa and minnie pursed their lips, soon bursting into giddy squeals and continuously fanning each other from what they saw yet the second time. “he was really checking her out.” minnie laughed.

“his ears said it all.” lisa checked her watch on her wrist. “basketball team’s practice match is starting soon. wanna sit in?”

“girl you bet i will.”

even hours later you blew your baby fringes blocking your view. as you flipped the score board and whistles for a time-out echoed the outdoor gym, your friends could tell how uncomfortable you were but they’d do nothing to get more reactions from you. they liked that you entertained them. and what choice did you have? chaeyeon was already taking pictures of you in the uniform you despised wearing.

coach jung briefed the team information on their opponents this season. you wrote down important points, feeling the chill of the early sunset. you couldn’t wait to change into actual soft and comfy clothes, mosquitoes weren’t your friends.

jaehyun listened to his dad repeating the same points- mostly because he got the advice first before others. he heard you hiss several times, you were supposed to jot the notes down. then it got frequent. he tiptoed to see you opposite from him, shooing the bugs away. of course you were still wearing the cheer uniform. he didn’t want to draw attention, so he stealthy walked behind the guys and straight to you.

“trouble?” he asked.

“just a little chilly, that’s all. meeting’s nearly done yeah?” you hugged the file to your chest.

“say so if you’re cold.” he took his jacket off and draped it on your shoulder.

“and who am i to tell to?” your voice challenging him.

he hummed so low that it almost lulled you to sleep. “me. i’m not the captain for nothing.”

you were both busy talking that you and him weren’t aware of time nor anyone else close by. mind you that minnie and lisa were watching the whole thing. you managed to smile even if you were crossed with how you were dressed. like you enjoyed his company.

they couldn’t hear your conversation, nor were your lips were moving. but the body language they saw already proved and confirmed their assumption. they had to tell you. they went straight to you once the meeting was over, and pulled you aside whilst jaehyun was talking about his childhood.

jaehyun raised a brow and chuckled as you were being pulled away. his friends immediately surround him, bombarding him with questions that he wasn’t paying attention to the meeting. “dude, your time’s near.” ten smacked him on the back.

“don’t make it sound like i’m dying, ten.” jaehyun rolled his eyes, but whenever he did, they were always fixated on you. he couldn’t shake off the feeling you were that something to solve the curse.

“be alert than be busted.” ten shrugged, head tilting to where you were. your friends were busy recording you and giggles filled the air. “how are you so calm now jae?”

jaehyun pursed his lips. “with her, there’s no way i’m calm at all.”

“okay now i can’t tell if that answer was from human jaehyun or doggy jaehyun.” jungwoo pointed out.

his friends all looked at each other, jaehyun wasn’t his usual self. it was as if he was dazed but was able to converse with them properly. slowly his naturally peach-like fuzzy cheeks grew more fur, his tail started to reveal. although they were quick enough to hide jaehyun, they didn’t realise the commotion that came afterwards and drew everyone’s attention.

you swifted your head at the boys’ yells and gathering circle, faintly hearing jaehyun’s refusal into whatever they got him into. “stop it! hey!” he hissed.

jungwoo, a little too excited of the drama going on, spotted you looking at them and gestured you to come over too. your friends built up a curiosity and went ahead of you. as for you, you were mentally tired to think of anything.

not until you heard kun’s wavering yet convincing words. “uh.. y’all wanna see magic?” he chuckled nervously as he knew what jaehyun would do to him after all this was over. “quickly because it’ll happen soon!”

you held in a laugh at jaehyun when he was forced to sit down on the grass to hide his tail. “i’ve been trying to master this for months and i thank jaehyun as my participant. who loves animals? give me a name.”

most hands were up and the answers were said at the same time. some didn’t believe him, but others have seen kun’s little magic tricks over the days. so something of a huge scale like this already got them curious than ever.

“ah i hear great ones but i’ll choose dog. now i’ll turn jaehyun into a golden retriever.” he draped a blanket above his friend.

ten and jungwoo bit their lips to contain themselves, holding onto each other as they filmed this once-in-a-lifetime event. the circle enlarged in scale with the poor lad at the center and the golden hour shone over everyone.

“in 3.. 2.. 1..” kun only snapped his fingers then the blanket shrunk in size. your schoolmates were convinced that something was actually happening.

and it was amusing because you were able to hear jaehyun swearing so much in your head.

you let out a giggle. jaehyun was soon surrounded by everyone who wanted to pet him. even your friends went over to the animal. “at least pretend to be happy for them. goldens are known for being clowns.” you told him.

*sighs* “tell kun i’m gonna kill him.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

the silence was all jaehyun ever wanted after the shock he had to go through from kun’s improv few days ago. he’d be thankful for a moment because he actually forgot the gideon hour at the time, but he would soon later be clouded with annoyance that he should’ve been informed beforehand of his actions— not only kun, the others included. they’ve got a part in this too.

his friends seated side by side with bruises and bandages on their faces, jaehyun still giving them the silent treatment. he was cranky about that, yet even more so when there was no progress into finding a solution to his curse. “jae. we said we’re sorry.” jungwoo apologised and felt that he was the only one giving effort to talk to jaehyun compared to kun and ten.

“and i said it’s fine. so stop saying that before i actually don’t forgive you.” jaehyun pressed the bridge of his nose.

after walking up the slope to the cabin with heaves of breaths, you managed to hear their conversation before opening the door. “i refilled your bottles.” you threw them on a duffle bag, not caring whether either of them rolled away. “i have to apologise too, jaehyun. i haven’t come up with anything to help you.” true enough because you couldn’t think straight or have the energy to use your remaining brain cells for that matter.

“ugh it’s fine. i’m not in a rush or anything. not even assigning you to solve within the duration of the camp.” jaehyun squeezed the bottle as thirst continued to drive him crazy, the heat as well, so he removed his tshirt. you averted your gaze and looked elsewhere. maybe you were still a little bothered seeing him half naked after the incident?

ten sought the opportunity and decided to fan the flame even more. “why look away when you’ve seen him already?”

he managed to dodge your hits and you turned around embarrassed. jaehyun could see you fanning yourself from the heat. “it was an accident!” you cleared your throat.

“gah i’m tired. we’re done with practice. we get a day off tomorrow, so can’t we watch a movie? who has disney plus?” jungwoo wiped himself with a towel.

“i do.” kun brought out his ipad. “what do you wanna watch?”

“i haven’t watched that one.”

“beauty and the beast?”

“o-kay, i’ll be going now.” you yawned as you began to feel the exhaustion take over your body. “see you tomorrow.”

the door closed and suddenly you remembered a funny memory last halloween when taeil dressed himself as belle. he blended in with the other ladies that you didn’t realise it was him. either it was the wig’s work or just taeil in general. you found it funny when a bunch of young teens become children again as disney’s mentioned.

your phone vibrated with your friends asking to help them out with their practice. “i came to the camp for the basketball team, not you two.” you left a voice mail. all you wanted was to rest up today. not until a certain realisation hit you hard.

because what if?

it hasn’t been that long since you left the cabin when the boys jolted from their positions. their peace and concentration on the movie already ruined by you. “oh my goodness i think i got it?” you slammed the door.

jaehyun sat up and set his phone aside. “you’re saying it a question rather than a discovery. not convinced.”

“will you be when i tell you if it’s based on that movie?” you pointed at the tablet.

he trailed his eyes to the screen then back at you, a more confused expression on his face. “you expect me to find someone to love me so my curse will be lifted?”

“pfft nah kidding, you don’t seem that loveable anyway.” you stole a lollipop from ten. “okay bye for reals.”

as the door closed, ten unwrapped another lollipop. “bet you he’s thinking of his potential ‘belle’.” ten nudged the boys.

“shut up. i’m not going to base my life on a fictional movie.”

“but it could be y/n. i mean she can hear you.” jungwoo paused the film.

“it’s not going to be her and it doesn’t prove anything.”

jaehyun thought a lot for two things— you keeping his hopes up, the other was you setting his heart in a frenzy and he always hated that feeling. he groaned and dragged himself to bed to place a towel over his face. sure he’ll hold on to that idea you came up with for now. however it didn’t prove on telepathy.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

your heart missed a beat when jaehyun waited for you in front of the cabin you stayed at. he thought you bumping into his torso wasn’t a good way to greet in the morning, whereas you feeling some fur on his tshirt as greeting was any different. jaehyun handed you a file and a little note from coach.

while you read it, you could sense jaehyun was staring, like he had something to say. he retracted his lips when your friends appeared behind you with grins annoyingly appearing on their faces. “make it quick captain. we have things to discuss with y/n.”

“yeah sure. i just dropped by to pass this to you. coach said to make copies. i’ll come back after you’re done with breakfast.” he cleared his throat and announced his leave.

“hm. fishy. he could’ve just left it here outside but he seems like he waited for you.” lisa drank from her cup as you all sat and ate breakfast together.

“right? it’s been days he acted that way!” minnie walked back to the table. “he’s indeed a gentleman, but there are times he’s very hard to approach.”

you unwrapped the sandwich and took a bite. “anyway, what is it you guys wanna talk about?”

“lisa will go first. she couldn’t wait.” minnie giggled.

lisa laid out series of pictures of nature she recently took and were indeed beautiful. “oh my goodness they look amazing!” you sat up. “as expected from someone in the photography club. i bet if you submit these to johnny he’ll regret putting you as backup-”

“really?! i took advantage of the retreat and i made sure they were pretty!” lisa interrupted you and placed more pictures down. “these are my favourite! i’m thinking of sending these to johnny instead!”

however your face turned sullen at the next pictures. they were blurry and almost gone, but it was definitely jaehyun at the background, each one showed he was transforming from human to dog. you paused and your heart did the same.

the silence got longer, you knew you had to speak up, but no words came out. “what’s wrong y/n?”

“you can’t submit these to johnny.” you brushed the first batch of pictures aside and bind latest pictures together.

“why not? you supported the rest of them! how could these be not good enough?” lisa’s voice changed in an instant, like you’ve taken away her pride. she sat back with folded arms, her behaviour scared you a little.

minnie slightly wiggled your hand. “hey, are you hearing to yourself y/n?”

“sorry, i know i sound stupid-”

“you are!” lisa huffed where her cheeks blew up. it was cute though.

“but you have to hear me out.” one thing was for sure, your stress levels shot up high if word gets to jaehyun. you had to prepare for the consequences.

“okay, so why can’t i submit them?” lisa sighed.

you held her hand. “it would be alright to, only if these are not in the background.” you said, pointing out a figure at the background of the subject. it all became clear as day to them when they looked closely. “did jaehyun just.. transformed?”

you were surprised with how quick they were able to catch on. as much as you wanted to protect jaehyun’s family curse, things would’ve turn for worst if someone else had noticed it. i’m sorry jaehyun, this is for your own good.

“we believed kun’s ability of illusion and his magic tricks. ten sent us a video of it and it didn’t really occurred to us that the golden was actually jaehyun.” minnie pursed her lips. “if you think about it, he does look like a golden.”

“how is this possible?” lisa asked with a growing smile, but refrained since transforming twice everyday was nothing good anyway.

“i found about his family curse accidentally. he turns into a dog when it’s golden hour, like sunrise and sunset.” you propped on your elbows.

“it’s a curse? poor lad.” minnie gasped.

a rather sad nod caught them off guard. “the coach signed me up to join this retreat. it’s not only for my missed p.e assessments but it was to keep his curse a secret. a-and now that you know, i’ll be damned if word gets to him. so you have to promise me you both don’t say or do anything..“ you sounded as if you begged. that was how much your the friendship you have with jaehyun meant to you.

“and yeah, that’s my answer. the magic trick was just a cover up to hide jaehyun’s dog form.” they listened and were surprised to hear you like this.

your fidgety hands and nervous breathing was too obvious. if jaehyun was just a friend, you wouldn’t act as if he was your- “oh no.” you slumped down on your arms. “why did i..” you mumbled as your feelings for him became clearer to you.

“oh my gosh. you like him! you like jaehyun!” lisa covered her mouth and changed the lingering negative atmosphere.

ba-dump. i..

“then that means your love for golden retrievers doubled!” minnie hugged you.

“no! it’s b-because you’re putting m-me in the spotlight-” you stuttered when they leaned towards you. “i’m gonna go.”

jaehyun flinched even though he was at a distance. your friends were yelling quite excitingly. you were being chased by them and although it was inaudible. he answered his phone as it was ringing for a while. “what, ten?”

“don’t ‘what’ me!” jaehyun tilted his head from his friend’s volume. “jae where are you?”

“i’m at y/n’s cabin and on my way bac-”

“nevermind that. i can see you.”

ten rushed towards him and looked at the cabin. “where’s lisa?” he squinted his eyes.

“just her and minnie chasing y/n out. i don’t know how but they left the door open. what are you doing here anyway?”

he mimicked a photographer’s gesture and pointed at the cabin. “lisa told me her pictures have developed and i’m here to get them.”

jaehyun flicked his forehead. “and you could’ve asked me instead.”

“they’re confidential and i’m shy if anyone sees it.” ten walked to the cabin.

“gross. just get them and head back quickly.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

you lost track of the days that have passed and there was an unsettling feeling that stayed in your chest. had it been two or three? you couldn’t remember. the basketball team’s practice matches and drills were normal. but there was a difference in air lingering around jaehyun. he still talked to you, kept the same gentle smile and was caring as usual. except whenever he did those, it seemed like he was distancing himself from you, creating an imaginary wall just to let you know your limits and boundaries.

you’d like to think it was because of the pressure coach has been giving him since the play-offs were close to date. but, it wasn’t all jaehyun who behaved that way. ten also distanced himself, his gaze pierced against your skull and thinking about it only caused you to have migraines. you were more scared of ten.

coach jung have asked you to help the cheerleading team, saying you’ve helped them enough. the amount of appreciation he had for you was too much, you couldn’t ask him about how jaehyun recently. yet this was all too sudden that your gut feeling told you otherwise. you planned to talk to jaehyun after the day ends. because in all honesty, something definitely happened.

and the boys left you out of it.

approaching jaehyun was harder than you thought. now you’ve realised it, he was always the one who took the initiative and you on the receiving end took the benefits of his kindness. it was supposed to be the other way around, so why were you taking advantage of this?

if having feelings for him was the reason for that, then you’re really stupid y/n. you laid on the grass in defeat from your thoughts and closed your eyes. you decided to have some peace and nature was your best friend in time like these. chirping birds and crashing riverbanks-

“jaehyun where are you?!”

ah crap. you twitched hard enough that swarms of goosebumps appeared on the majority of your skin. on your stomach, you hid behind the bushes to see jungwoo and the others struggling to find him. even at the mention of his name you were already feeling shy and flustered.

“is he skipping practice again?”

“ah whatever let’s just leave him.”

“i understand why he’s like that.”

“even i would feel hurt if i were him.”

a heavy and deep audible breath from their sudden entry was difficult to hide your response. you tried to leave as quiet as possible. not wanting to get caught, you had to move stealthily with few glides backwards on your knees, eyes glued to the boys’ actions if they looked elsewhere. when you felt something blocking the soles of your shoes, somehow you knew what it was.

“you’re blocking my way.” jaehyun’s irritated tone made your chest ache— in the most painful impact you never expected from him.

quickly you stood up and made sure you stayed out of sight from the boys. jaehyun scratched his temple at your awkward behaviour. he was already in front of you, why were you hesitating to ask him questions he left unanswered? jaehyun pulled a long face when you still remained silent. “if you’re not gonna speak when you clearly have something to say, do i really have to say it for you?”

what the hell is his problem? what’s with his tone? “yeah as a matter of fact i do. the thing is, i don’t understand why you’re being like this. you ignore me but still talk to me when i don’t help with the team anymore, and for some reason you’re mad at me?” you grimaced while leaning on a tree trunk.

there was cynism in jaehyun’s nods and the swirls of his tongue evident on his cheeks. you hated his attitude and all you wanted was an explanation. “whatever this is, i’ve got no reason for you to doubt me, jaehyun.”

“ah, really? ‘cause you just gave me one.” he fished out something from his pockets and as you watched, the item he was holding was too familiar and they were obviously not his. he flicked the sheets and that was when you confirmed they were the new pictures lisa developed.

why were they with him? at the pit of your stomach, a whirlwind of emotions and stressing pressure began, and you didn’t like the feeling at all. “what-”

he threw the pictures on the floor. “other than my family and friends you’re the only one who knows about my curse! and at some point you go against my back telling them to picture me when i’m left clueless?!”

right now you were really afraid jaehyun’s mood would attract attention.

you closed your eyes as he raised his voice. “look i have no idea how you got those but i promise you i had nothing to do with the picture-” you insisted and could feel your blood pressure rising.

“how- how could you betray me like this?!”

your heart fell and instead of feeling bad about him knowing, you felt your head ache with so much anger building up inside you. because jaehyun didn’t bother to listen or let you explain yourself.

“i found you in the background before lisa actually showed those to johnny! it would spread if she did! where’s the betrayal in that?!”

he stepped closer to you, your entire was itching to run away. “i don’t care! you still told your friends! you could’ve said another excuse like kun’s practicing his magic trick or something! you promised me my secret’s safe with you!”

that’s messed up. i did tell lisa and minnie but not because it was to mock him!

“kun was no where to be seen in the picture! what else can i do? lie to them? i know my friends more than you do and they won’t tell anyone!” you raised your voice as well.

jaehyun scoffed, rolling his eyes. “i don’t trust them!”

“well, i do! and you should trust me!” your tone wavering at all emotions hitting you at once. especially coming from him— the guy you developed feelings for.

“the moment you told them you broke my trust already! what else did you tell them, hm? my dad and brother having the curse too?” he brushed his hair in anger when your silence meant yes. “ugh is this really happening?! you told them everything!”

“okay that’s enough-” your vision blurring from the tears wanting to fall.

“i’m asking what else did you tell them?! dammit y/n what could be so important to you than my secret?!”

“well- i-”

“i what?!”

other than the secret, you knew what went after the reveal. then you realised the weight of your words, you couldn’t tell him that you actually like him. you wanted to be selfish this once. “i can’t.. tell you.”

jaehyun started to harbour more resentment towards your reasoning. he found it ridiculous of you to even continue with this conversation. ten already warned him that the secret wasn’t safe with you in the first place. the glimpse of hope faded when he thought you’d be the key, even if you were, trust was still important to him. it was the very thing his mother lacked and you doing so reminded him of it.

his expression darkened and you were afraid of him— excluding of how cruel he was with you on the exercise reps. you were afraid you just broken a promise and put your friendship on a rocky end.

“so that’s it? i’m begging you with my life on the line and you just gave me the most bullcrap answer!”

“you’re being unreasonable!” you yelled.

“shut up! you found about my curse so you should be the one compromising!”

“y/n!” lisa came running with a panicked face.

tsk, wrong timing. “not now.” you mouthed.

“have you seen my pictures?! i told ten to get them the other day but he got the wrong envelope! it’s the one with jae-” she bent down to catch her breath and was taken aback with jaehyun’s presence. “..hyun.”

the boys followed lisa and once they found their friend, you could tell ten’s stares that felt like daggers. he pulled jaehyun away but eyes still locked on you. “what happened?” lisa asked as you mirrored ten’s expression, but your friends could see the hurt in your eyes.

“he has the pictures. i think ten saw them and gave them to him. jaehyun’s mad, he thinks i betrayed him for telling you-”

“no that’s not it!” lisa held your hand and glared at the boys, especially ten, since he was her childhood friend. “you had every right to tell us because the pictures are my works-”

“shouldn’t have said anything further y/n! you should’ve gotten the pictures and told us instead of them! you promised, remember?” ten finally spoke up.

you rolled your eyes. “and what?! you’re like saying i should risk my friendship for his stupid secret!”

his friends turned heads to jaehyun to see his tight-knit brows and softening demeanour. jaehyun frowned and hurt was evident in his face. he was hurt by you, someone he developed feelings for in a short amount of time. “i believed it when you said you’ll help me. or were.. were all those just words to you?”

ah.. that came out wrong.

you bit your lips to say something, but they left so soon after, making your chest squeeze as if your lungs let out the last bits of oxygen from your body.

shortly over an hour, jungwoo watched his friend pace back and forth, nibbling on his nails when the tension grew in their cabin. “aren’t you too hard on her? you didn’t let y/n explain further-”

“i can’t believe her!” jaehyun crumpled the picture after looking at it. “how could she do this to me?!”

“honestly i just don’t think she’s that type of person to go behind someone’s back for her own entertainment.” kun spoke up and tilted his head, avoiding the cup that smashed on his side of his cheek. “perhaps you’re mistaken.”

jaehyun wasn’t in the right headspace whenever his past trauma was reminded or brought up, so no matter how much reason was given, he wouldn’t listen. “do i have to repeat it? she already had her fun when she told her friends to picture me!”

“your explanations are always so conclusive.” kun sighed.

“and your heart’s too soft as usual, kun! so back off!” jaehyun grabbed the older one’s shoulder and shoved him against the wall.

he released him soon after realising that he didn’t once listen to you, but he was too stubborn to take any more excuses. there was one thing he thought you were wrong— weren’t you risking your friendship with him by exposing his secret he kept so dearly? maybe distancing himself more than he did would clear his mind off from the mess.

—

when all sports teams lined up with their designated coach buses the days after, jaehyun slightly put his chin up to search for you in the crowd— in a subtle manner, since he still stood in his decision into having his space from you yet didn’t want it to be obvious to others that he cared for you still.

you knew he was staring from afar. it was a stupid misunderstanding, both of you were in the wrong, but he made you feel as if you carried the blame for this.

sure that was a given, that he would react worse than expected. you were going to take the pictures from lisa anyway, and the guys wouldn’t know that your friends knew. you didn’t expect you’d burst out of anger or that ten took them before you did and made the assumption. it still drove you mad, ten probably convinced jaehyun of your doing since he didn’t trust you at first.

that aside, you decided to ride the coach bus with the cheerleading team. “when we reach school, you can forget about the basketball team and camp. how dare they hurt you?” minnie hugged you as you stared out the window.

“if i had to weigh it, it’s not me who’s hurting. jaehyun is.” you sighed and pat her back. “how do i act if i bump to any of them? i’ll probably do something stupid again. at all cost, i’mma just- *sigh*”

“she’s talking about jaehyun right?”

“yeah she’s still not straightforward about him.”

“we know she likes him. she doesn’t have to hide it.”

“i can hear you both.” you lowered your hat to avoid their gaze.

jaehyun sat beside his father at the front for a change, playing with the blinds to cover sunlight. coach jung knew his silence more than anyone, even if jaehyun didn’t plan on telling him. “i’ve done what you told me to do. you didn’t want to see y/n after the fight. so? did it to any change?”

“no. i kept my distance and i’ll see if she’ll admit her mistake.” jaehyun adjusted the fan above him.

“jae, if only you saw her reaction when i told her to not come see the team. i know you’re smarter than this. you know it’s not all her fault.”

he clenched his palms hard. crescent moons soon showed themselves on the flesh. “where exactly in this is my fault, dad? have i not been patient to wait for curse to be broken? who said that y/n might have a contribution in this? it’s you, dad. i’m not holding any grudge against y/n. i’m just disappointed at her because she’s nothing i ever imagined her to be. goodness’ sake i even like her.” he mumbled at the last sentence, missing the point that his dad could hear it.

coach jung let out a short laugh at the remark. “not sure if you noticed, you haven’t seen y/n working hard at researching about our curse while you boys practiced. she’s always brainstorming at the possibilities, science or not, she’s always looking for ways. don’t let anger cloud you.” his father paused and had a pressed smile. “..don’t end up having small fights like me and your mother. you wouldn’t want it to be bigger than it already is.”

“yeah.. i know.”

you woke up with a thud and saw a rather prominent bump on your right temple through the reflection of the window. arriving at the campus grounds was quicker than you thought, despite being almost a half day journey. you overheard that the basketball team would stay there a little longer and you had to leave immediately because once everyone has gone home, you’d see him. you didn’t want to risk yourself from being spotted after you both fought.

it was a small matter now that you think about that day. stubbornness outweighed understanding in the two of you, and that resulted in immaturity. and if neither of you were willing to admit, might as well make the first move.

but you were stubborn as he was.

once the coach bus was nearing the parking area, the first and only thing you decide to do was get out of the vehicle and head straight home. you wouldn’t let your friends speak and looked at their bus. there sat jaehyun fiddling with the curtain. you then rushed out, covering your face from the basketball team as they too were getting off. “is that what she meant ‘at all costs’?” minnie facepalmed as she saw you walking away quickly.

“oh look, there’s y/n.” coach jung tapped the window to make jaehyun notice you. the way you behaved was weird for him, because it was too obvious you were avoiding getting seen.

“i don’t care.”

“it means you do.” his father messed his son’s hair. “okay, off you go. i’ll cancel the extra practice today and let all of you rest up during the weekend.”

jaehyun’s lips agape at his father’s last minute decision. he wore his cap and slung his bag. “if you’re doing this and expect i’d make up with her, you’ll regret ever cancelling practice.”

“ah c’mon. your old man is helping you out with a girl. can’t you tell what i’m doing, jae?” he laughed at his son’s reaction. he could see himself in jaehyun and knew things would get better.

“it won’t work dad.”

he rolled his eyes and went to where the bikes were parked. he kicked the stand at the rear wheel when his friends caught up to him with their own bikes. goodness why can’t they just leave me alone? “what do you want?” he stood a little to pedal ahead.

kun rode along beside him, eyes alternating at and on the road. “what now? you’re just going to pretend you didn’t see y/n? like nothing happened?”

“how can i ignore that when her figure’s so obvious and literally running away from here? i’m not going to do anything about-”

jungwoo then sighed heavily, causing jaehyun to knit brows. “she looked over our bus you dimwit! that means she thought of talking to you but held back because of-”

“i’ll talk to y/n in my own terms and in my own time! stop forcing me to do things when you think it would work well for me!” jaehyun pressed on the brakes with his palms.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

kun and jungwoo’s eyes followed your swirling fork and the silent air that had been going for half an hour. they thought knocking onto the doors of jaehyun’s closed heart was hard, never expected yours was harder. you wouldn’t say anything after they invited you, claiming they missed you around them.

because it had been two full semesters since then. from what the boys told you, jaehyun lost focus and couldn’t lead the team to the championships. he always fought with his father and would burst in anger, throwing unnecessary fits towards them even though they worked hard to reach the quarterfinals.

this behaviour would happen so often that it began to strain his relationships with everyone on the team. the transformation did a lot worse to his body, he’d get sick and weak, and for over months, he would not transform back immediately within the golden hour ended. it lasted longer. sometimes even the morning after.

it worried them that if jaehyun given up all hope and continued to act that way, the urge to find the solution would never take place. and that he would remain an animal forever. even so, you knew their intentions to invite you today despite feeling sad for jaehyun. and you prepared your answer before they could speak.

“y/n-”

“as much as i love to stay, i’m here to tell you you’ve wasted your efforts. if jaehyun won’t talk to me.. then i’ll just keep giving him space until he apologises first.” you were already losing appetite talking about it.

“and you think waiting game would pull off too, hm?” kun’s dimple deepened, a flat smile seen on the exterior.

you put down your fork. “i didn’t think we’ll last this long not talking-”

ten smirked in disbelief, you forgot he was there too. his presence was almost non-existent as he kept quiet the whole time. “keep it like that. you’re held accountable for making jaehyun the way he is now.”

“ten!” kun scowled at the guy. “i told you not to talk.”

you rolled your eyes that his words hurt more than the eye roll. “why is he here anyway? you said it’ll only be the two of you. unbelievable.”

“to see if you came up with a solution to lift jaehyun’s curse. looking at you now, i guess you didn’t.” he said and you tried your best to refrain yourself from hitting him. “were you mocking him when you suggested it might be the same answer as that disney film?”

“i said as a joke but it might be a possibility. we live in a world where people go through inexplainable experiences that science couldn’t dive in deep.” you sighed.

jungwoo tapped the table to stop the bickering you and ten were starting. “like my hunch says, maybe it’s another soulmate thing i’ve mentioned to you guys at the camp.”

“it’s not a soulmate thing, jungwoo.” kun and ten said simultaneously.

you brought out an a5 sized sealed envelope and the action alone made the boys stunned. “don’t open this. just give it to him. anyway, the sun’s setting. i really have to go.” you passed the item to kun.

it’s suffocating. i can’t stay here long. they saw how hesitating your limbs were, your eyes averting them and clearing your throat several times.

“ten, does this look like she didn’t do anything? this proves she’s trying.” kun took the envelope and hit it on ten’s head.

as you put on your coat whilst standing next to the table, ten sat back with arms crossed. “acting smart, aren’t you? you really think you’re the belle for jaehyun huh? i wouldn’t believe that for a second.”

“i didn’t say anything about me being the solution. i’m still keeping my promise to help him. and trust me, i don’t think i’m belle either.” you grabbed your bag and left, your food gone cold and jungwoo sighed at the air turning worse thanks to ten.

the cash money was placed on the table when kun called the waiter. “please keep the change.” he looked at your slouching figure by the bus stop across the restaurant. it screamed sadness and hurt all over.

the reason for suddenly leaving wasn’t because you were offended with what ten said. of course there was truth in his words. at some point you thought you were someone important to jaehyun, since you could hear him.

you thought you both were soulmates.

you left because you spotted a familiar figure standing by the door. haven’t been seeing him lately only made you feel angry at yourself. you were a coward, you even passed the envelope to the boys instead of giving it to jaehyun yourself. your friends already encouraged you about it, that that was the only thing to narrow the gap between you and jaehyun. it was to show that you were still supporting him.

why are you like this y/n? if you like him, you’d do anything to get his attention and forgiveness. why are you doing things to push him away, rather.. why are you forcing yourself to not care when you still do?

you continued to walk with your head low for another hour, troubled in your thoughts as they’ve been bothering you for many months. snap out of it y/n-

*tug*

*scratch*

the hems of your baggy jeans were pulled and torn with minimal, adorable force. it took you a while to process the animal before you. a blue bunny, what’s a bunny doing here- oh.

“sungchan?”

—

he rose from the bushes in front of their house. you stood there awkwardly while he figures to cover his body after the blue hour. “i’m sorry for asking you to bring me home. i get tired from hopping sometimes.” he grabbed a towel that he was hanging by the gate.

“no worries. i-i’ve seen- nevermind.” your voice softened at the latter.

sungchan pursed his lips to refrain himself from smiling since he was there and witnessed when it happened. “come in, i’ll make you some tea. it’s my way of thanks.”

although he was kinder than his brother, probably more mature, he was still young that you could see through his intentions. you knew he wanted some patching up done between you and jaehyun. you hesitated for a while, but since you were there already, might as well try to talk to him—

even if there was a slim chance of making things work.

you sat on the sofa, slightly still and awkward being in the residence. little sips, light breathing and the soft wind from the fan were only heard within the living area. “did my brother cause you a lot of trouble during the camp?” sungchan asked and knowing that you were silent, he knew jaehyun probably did. “how about now?”

“actually, i think i’m the one causing more trouble for him because i feel like i’m not doing anything to help when i said i would.” you sighed as he continued to listen.

“really? i heard from the others you’re helping so much that it changed my brother.. at the least he’s not cranky.” his nose twitched so adorably that you thought it was derived from being a bunny almost his whole life. “also, there’s that envelope-” he paused while realising how your expression caught him off guard.

maybe he shouldn’t have mentioned it, but he wanted you to know he wasn’t spying on you. he made that clear with his silence.

if he saw that back at the restaurant, that only meant he was there for quite some time. you let out a small smile that he was probably there not for you, but to wait for his brother’s friends. instead of bumping into them, he bumped into you.

“oh, that. it.. has a bunch of handwritten letters i’ve compiled when i struggled talking to jaehyun. i just felt that maybe it’s more sincere if i had to apologise.. y’know, eventually.”

he pursed his lips and nodded. “then why not put those words into actual words? like verbal words.” sungchan’s fingers pointed upwards, hinting that jaehyun was up in his room. “for all i know it’s the most sincere thing to do.”

crap, he’s not expressive but he’s so so mature for his age. it made you feel inferior for a moment.

“but before you do that, i have to tell you something that my dad and brother missed out about our curse. why jaehyun-hyung is more pressured than i am.”

(few minutes later)

you slid against the wall while sungchan went out to do grocery shopping. at the other side of the door, in between the thin gap, you could hear soft breathing; jaehyun was on his bed, sleeping in his dog form and it hurt you since time already passed both golden and blue hour, he should’ve transformed like his brother did. instead he laid there as if he didn’t have a care in the world.

meanwhile, jaehyun knew you entered his room. he pretended to be sleeping and expected he wouldn’t know how to act when he gets to face you. he decided to stay as he was.

until you pat then caressed his head.

he didn’t want to settle or give in for the fact you loved golden retrievers. he blamed on the shallow euphroria dogs easily feel. and because he was in his dog form, the anger he held for you disappeared. but at the same time, was your touch out of care or pity? he couldn’t figure it out. then he could hear the beats of your heart, and that made him sit up. your heart was fast. it was worrying. it was—

“why didn’t you tell me the whole story?” your voice wavered in heaving breaths as he finally looked you in the eye. his ears twitched and he faced the door, knowing that sungchan told everything.

jaehyun shook his body and whiskers moved before he telepathically answered you. “believe me i tried. i hate myself for being sensitive and i couldn’t bring to tell you because i got angry. but you have to know that i value trust more than anything.”

“you know what’s ironic?” you sighed, pressing your forehead as pain began to form. “you didn’t trust me first and and we fought because you didn’t do that. and you didn’t trust me enough that you only told me what, like 50 percent of it?”

of course he knew what you referred to.

he was going to tell you the day he visited your cottage at camp. but he didn’t get to, because ten told him news ahead of him that it ruined the purpose to talk to you. it wasn’t that he blamed him, it was due to the fact he wasn’t prepared for something like that. even for something like this.

because there was that prophecy weighing on his shoulders.

“sungchan said that it has to directly come from you, so you better tell me now before our friendship falls out.” you warned and leaned back against the headboard.

currently your friendship was on the line, wobbling on tight ropes. pushing you further away would do no good.

jaehyun sat and his paws were dignified into a comfortable position. his head laid on a cushion pillow, facing towards you. “fine. most of my family turns into wild animals, and they couldn’t control themselves in that other form. their wildlife instincts overpowers their thoughts.” he yawned.

“and it’s different for me and sungchan. when we were born, when we had our first full transformation, they were shocked to know we turn into domestic animals. we’re able to remember, think and live as if we’re still humans. at the end, it’s either of us to stop the curse.”

“so why did your brother mention that you’re the most pressured? why did it only have to be you?” this time you spoke, there was more depth into your feelings if you spoke. as sungchan said, verbally was more sincere. “you could share the burden with him.”

he sighed at the tone of your voice. “isn’t it obvious? the role is immediately passed onto me not because i’m the first born.. it’s because you suddenly could talk to me.. telepathically.”

“yeah and we couldn’t even figure that one out yet.” you scoffed remembering the times you’ve placed your efforts on that matter and now it had gone all to waste. all because you both had that fight.

he read through your eyes and sensed the intention from your words. plus he hated how you delivered it with that certain tone. “i didn’t bring this up just to blame you for my own satisfaction!” he groaned. “i brought it up so that i can apologise! i was wrong, okay?! i should’ve listened to you instead of carelessly listening to ten-”

you refrained yourself from showing any further hurt. recalling it would only make you cry. “well you were manipulated with ten’s assumptions. you believed him more than me. he had proof while i didn’t. i was in the losing end! not like i expected you to change your mind. so can we just.. get this overwith and tell me what the prophecy is?”

he was speechless for a while. you being straight-forward yet in a pained voice was too much for him. he was already softening his feelings for you and you had to tense it all up again. “‘only one could save those who lay under the curse, for they must be in the correct peace of mind and body to break it before it turns for worse.’”

“and the ‘worse’ means you won’t transform back anymore?” you asked, the prophecy already piercing your heart as you waited for more explanation.

“that and..” he trailed off. “..we lose our humanity too. we won’t remember anything. memories erased like a snap of the finger. and we’ll just be.. another animal.”

you pushed yourself to sit up as your heart clenched tight. “jaehyun! why say it now and not before?”

“because! what is there for you to do-”

you squished the dog’s into a wrinkly mess, to the point jaehyun couldn’t see anything. his paws tried to put your arms down, but even clawing was hard for him to do. then he felt you lean forward to hug him. “y/n? what’re you doing?” you didn’t answer.

crap, this is warm. it feels.. nice. embarrassed, he put his thoughts at the back of his mind. “are you doing this out of pity? do i look that helpless-”

what crossed his mind was that you thought he needed a hug and was the only thing you could do. but you proved him wrong, so, so wrong. and why didn’t he realise it sooner in his life?

“you have to treat yourself like someone you love!”

what?

“you have to fill yourself with it! have you been thinking half-heartedly or do things half-assed because you’re different from people? do you not realise there are people who loves you? you trust them so less that you’re not confident into breaking the curse! because you didn’t really try!”

he froze in his stance, like a bullet pierced through his chest with how true your point was. he didn’t know what love was when his mother left the family. he didn’t dare to open up with his dad and brother, not his friends as for so long he didn’t do that one important thing— trust.

jaehyun thought he did that. he had enough encouragement but only to the level of content. he didn’t expect more as what else was there for people cursed like his family? “why are you so worried or do this much for me?”

“because no one actually helped you!” your arms tightened around him. “your friends were occupied into thinking that protecting you and your curse from others was the safest thing to do. it’s not! it just gets you self-conscious, conceited and too comfortable to not to do anything at all!” everything you said knocked down the pillars of his pride. he wasn’t at all living in humility if his friends did ever help.

“y/n we’re nothing more than friends. how could you be pushing yourself onto my problems-”

“i’m one of the people, jaehyun. don’t you get it now? i l-”

as if the phone line got cut off, he couldn’t hear the rest. you appeared like a television who lost its voice, however, somehow he knew what came after that. he didn’t want to admit it, after spending time with you at camp, he realised his heart felt the same.

you were quick to catch on. the golden retriever just stared at you, you couldn’t hear him as well. not even telepathically. jaehyun laid back down, ignored you and went to sleep. you nudged him, he wouldn’t move. you felt a swarm of blame towards him. if only he told you earlier, he wouldn’t be in this state where he was just another dog. mostly you blamed yourself for not taking the initiative first to fix things. you went along with your anger and his waiting game.

where did it get you? to this.

the one second revelation he heard from you and then fell into slumber, he was standing in front of himself, before a mirror. a series of himself switching from human to animal throughout the years. the glass cracked over his face. as if he entered a new world, he had to prepare mentally for what was to come.

instead he awoke like he only passed out from exhaustion. to only see you hugging your legs, head down with soft sobs and hiccups, he reached out for you yet hesitated. he checked the time, the golden hour was to arrive.

“y/n.” he called out in a low voice.

“no.” you mumbled. “i shouldn’t be hearing him.”

“but you really are, though.”

you shot your head up, tears rolling down your cheeks when you felt his touch— his large palms holding yours. he transformed, you had many questions as you thought it was too late.

confused and tired, you stared at him blankly. processing the guy before you took a whole minute to realise jaehyun transformed back. “is.. is this a joke?” you coughed and rubbed your tears. “i saw you faint- i saw how you lost the light in your eyes- i saw-”

he’s blushing. his ears are red.

jaehyun pulled you into an embrace, he caressed your head as if he held a newborn. “the curse broke around the time i realised i lacked self-care. it was the same time you said it too.”

looking back, he didn’t treat himself right since the beginning. he realised he shouldn’t have looked for a solution or someone to love him. he was the someone he was looking for, and should’ve reflected on himself than to rely too much on others.

“you’re still hugging me.” you said, stopping his trail of thoughts. you pat his back quickly and he was holding you tight. “you’re squeezing the oxygen out of me.”

“can’t i hold you longer? you’ve been so helpful even when i pushed you away. now i don’t really want to let go.” jaehyun whispered. he never felt something like this before— this urge to love someone. “what if the curse comes back when you go away?”

you felt your head bursting with temperatures your body was experiencing now. “you really have to let go!” clearing your throat, you tried to shove him away.

“no. don’t be stubborn.”

“don’t be clingy, clingy!”

“you want me to hug you though.”

“i do but- wait no that’s not- i-”

he squeezed your face between his hands. “you love me, don’t you. and you said i’m not loveable.” he teased and goodness his dimples shot you at the heart. you kicked him in the chest yet he leaned forwards, closer than usual. “i can feel your veins beating crazily.”

ah for crying out loud! “jung jaehyun.” you called him with a stern and plain voice. “get off me.”

“tsk i said i wouldn’t-”

“jaehyun you’re naked.”

hm? he pulled himself away from you, looked down and covered his lower body. ah heavens- “i’m sorr-”

a thud was heard by the door. you both turned heads to sleepy sungchan dropping a parcel delivered to jaehyun while holding a toothbrush with his mouth and prominent bed hair. “uh bro, this is-”

“dad! i think hyung’s in his mating season!”

“i’m so not!”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

because the curse was lifted and jaehyun made it happen, all those who fell under it soon experienced freedom and joy after years of agony and pain and fear. feelings opposite to them showered upon them that morning like spring rain.

you sat in between jaehyun and ten, who haven’t been talking to each since they fought over little things, mainly about you. ten still didn’t believe that you were jaehyun’s girlfriend, because he recalled you guys were not going to mend things.

“so that’s it? it’s so hard to believe. she just hugged you and the curse’s gone? even more so you’re both dating?”

“ten, c’mon dude.” kun brought out his fist to bump yours. “she’ll be hanging with us from now on. you have to stop being a stuck-up.”

ten shrugged in defeat and finally nodded in acceptance. “fine. i’ll let it go. i mean the curse’s broken won’t bother jae anymore.” he turned to you. “i’m sorry y/n. jae and i have been best friends since kindergarten. so it’s kinda a brotherly instinct to protect him. it just comes out.”

“you do seem like the leader of the pack.” you fiddled with jaehyun’s fingers while he draped his arm around you.

“i thought i was the leader?” kun sounded offended, but not entirely.

jaehyun remained quiet. he told everyone what had happened. however, there was still one question left unanswered. what was the telepathy about?

what did it have to do with you and him? he thought about that real hard. were you actually a missing piece in the prophecy or did he misunderstand it? there were a lot of possibilities, a lot of ideas coming up that maybe he figured it wrong. maybe you did contribute to the breaking of the curse-

“ah!” jungwoo exclaimed as flicked the paper back and forth. he proudly showed what he found, putting the pieces together. the paper was moving quickly that the pairs of eyes couldn’t focus or see anything. “i’ve been telling you guys since camp but you wouldn’t listen to me!”

you squinted your hardest to see the words. all you got from the sheet of paper scribbles and connecting lines. the boys started to fight for the so they could read the younger one forcibly shoved in front of their faces.

jungwoo wanted his friends to feel their pride stepped on them, and held on the paper. “read the prophecy again. i’m excited-”

“you being excited about these things is nothing new-” ten yelled, and kun covered his mouth at the loud volume.

“‘only one could save those who lay under the curse, for they must be in the correct peace of mind and body to break it before it turns for worse.’ guys, it’s already hinted in it!” he pointed at the parts he was scribbling on earlier.

he expounded the prophecy was a little misleading. it wasn’t being literal about the right mind and body. they were the results of the having the correct heart, as the two would only be affected greatly if not for the heart.

jungwoo scooted next to you. “y/n, you weren’t only the key to solving it. you were the only person who gave him that push and made him realise he should love himself for who he was. you gave him that peace of mind because you are the heart. as we all know, the mind and body can’t function without the heart.”

“that sounds sweet?” kun blushed even though he wasn’t supposed to.

“yeah sure but the telepathy happening at the same time with my curse was just a coincidence though?” jaehyun asked.

“onto my next point!” jungwoo drew on the paper again. “i realised you told us before that only family members of the same curse can talk to each other telepathically.”

jaehyun’s brows only furrowed narrower. “which doesn’t make sense because she’s not part of my family.”

jungwoo grinned widely, it almost made you nervous but if it was coming from jungwoo, it always had to be something good. “not even us lads can even talk to you with our minds though we’re close like brothers. what if it’s a sign that she will be part of your family? even if the curse’s broken, it still proves my point that you were soulmates all along.”

somehow you knew it was headed to this. what jungwoo’s saying was similar to your hunch. you weren’t confident as he was because at the time, the curse wasn’t lifted. now that it was, you never knew you were actually right.

jaehyun shrunk in his seat after hearing jungwoo’s theory. he looked at you; who was now giggling with the others. he never thought you were his soulmate, it never crossed his mind. you appeared in his life as a shadow at first, before you resurfaced and made it a roller coaster ride. it was an eye opener for him too, you loved him for who he was, his flaws— that being the curse. although there were frequent bickers, that didn’t mean he didn’t enjoy or hate them. he was afraid you’d leave after knowing his transformation.

you didn’t. you stayed. not because you were forced to just to keep his secret, you stayed since you said you’d help. and that lifted weight off of his shoulders. colours came into view more spirited, clouded thoughts in his head faded and everything he heard that were once muffled became clear. he had to compare it like he was reborn.

in the end, you were still beside him, adjacent to him.

#nct #jaehyun oneshot #jaehyun imagines #nct jaehyun #nct 127 #jung jaehyun #jung yoonoh #jaehyun x reader #jaehyun scenarios #jaehyun au #jaehyun fluff #jaehyun writings

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peachdoxie · 4 years ago

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Okay so I’m like way late in sharing my liveblog of chapter 13, but I read it earlier and took notes and here they are! Man, what a doozy of a chapter! I have a lot of things to say.

Conjoined fabrials require a careful division of the gemstone—and the spren inside.

Like we knew this already but hearing about it directly is like. Yikes.

Other types of spren do not split as evenly, as easily, or at all.

Gimme the lore, Branderson

Shallan had to deal with Veil’s alcohol abuse. Again.

Yikes

He was using that time to go ride horses.

The paranoid part of me thinks something else is going on, but also Adolin is still allowed to have interests, especially if he’s grown closer with Dalinar’s Ryshadium after losing Sureblood in Words of Radiance, as the chapter later describes.

Shallan found herself alone—and for the first time in weeks, she didn’t have a role to play.

Inchresting.

The deal is set and arranged. The spren will come.

wat

Seven years ago now—and if that timeline was correct, she must have begun seeing Pattern as a young child. Long before Jasnah had first encountered her spren.

I feel like this is important but idk why. It sort of implies that the Cryptics were the first spren to start forming Nahel bonds in the current era, but, again, why? What are the implications?

She couldn’t see those memories; didn’t want to see them. As she shied away from them, something dark shifted inside her, growing stronger. Formless. Shallan didn’t want to be the person who had done those things. That… that person could not… not be loved…

Oof but also not true

Memory loss was apparently common to these cases, but the rest of what Shallan experienced seemed distinctly different. Importantly, she wasn’t experiencing continued memory loss. So maybe she was fine. She’d stabilized.

I have the feeling Shallan does, in fact, have some significant memory losses that she’s either unaware of or so in denial about she doesn’t realize she’s in denial of them.

Besides, these fabrials did the work of a dozen people.

lmao Roshar is undergoing industrialization which is probably a bad thing

When she became Veil, the colors in the room… muted. The colors didn’t change, but her perception shifted.

Neat detail. I wonder how that would interact with the various Heightenings of Nalthis.

His pet chicken, the green one.

IT’S BIRB TIME!!!!!

“Of course, with your powers nothing is permanent, is it? You deal exclusively in the ephemeral.”

That’s kind of a recurring issue in Shallan’s life, isn’t it, the lack of permanence?

His chicken held its prey with one foot, eating almost like a person did with their hands. The thing was so strange, so alien. It stood upright, like no other beast Shallan had studied. When it chirped at Mraize, it sounded almost like it was talking, and she swore she could occasionally make out words. It was like a tiny parody of a person.

Lmao “alien.” Shallan, you have no idea how right you are. Also, I’m going to guess the bird may actually be talking to Mraize since it’s a fucking aviar

Ask a better question. “Nalathis,” Radiant said. “Scadarial. What are they?”

“Nalthis. Scadrial.” He spoke the words with a different accent. “Where are they. That’s an excellent question, Radiant. Suffice it to say they are places in Shadesmar where our Stormlight—so easily captured and transported—would be a valuable commodity.”

Okay sure just fucking namedrop the other planets in the cosmere again why don’t you

A more perfect gemstone could contain the Light long enough to go offworld, but there is still the Connection problem. This little flaw has caused untold trouble. And the one who unlocks the secret would have untold power.

dear fucking hell, Mraize.

tbh I don’t even know how to react to this revelation. It’s so simple and yet so ambitious, and it would have significant impacts not just on Roshar, but on the whole of the cosmere. Not to mention: Investiture on Roshar is renewable because when it’s used, it returns to the Spiritual Realm until it’s brought back into the Physical by highstorms or a perpendicularity. What would happen if Mraize found a way to take Honor’s Investiture and have it be used somewhere else in the cosmere outside of the Rosharan system? Would that unbalance the Shards even more?

just an absolute what the fuck. there are so many unknown Realmatic ramifications for this. what the fuck.

“I already have,” Mraize said, making a fist. “Though putting the plan into motion will be difficult. I have a job for you.”

Great, Mraize already knows how to do this incredibly ridiculous Realmatic bullshit. This is going to be bad if he gets it up and running, even if Mraize himself isn’t “evil.” It would radically change everything, and there are many bad people who would abuse that change.

“I have news for you,” Shallan said. “Sja-anat contacted me while I was away. She agreed to your terms, and is sending one of her spren to the tower, where it will investigate your members for a possible bond.”

Ah, so this is who Shallan was communicating with earlier. But how did Sja-anat use a spanreed? And what kind of spren will she send, and how has it been corrupted?

Also, Shallan and Mraize at least know that Glys was corrupted by Sja-anat. I wonder who else holds this knowledge.

“I cannot betray this secret,” Mraize said. “Let’s just say that Lightweavers fascinate me, and leave it at that. And you should not fear if I did keep someone close to you. Such a person could be an… aid in times of need. Iyatil did the same for me.”

*tosses another piece of evidence onto the theory I saw someone make that Shallan, in a very repressed persona, is actually Mraize’s spy*

“Immortality, in part. He thought he could become like the Heralds. In his quest, he discovered a secret. He had Voidlight before the Everstorm—he carried it from Braize, the place you call Damnation. He was testing the movement of Light between worlds. And one close to him might have answers. At any rate, we couldn’t risk Ialai or the Sons of Honor recovering these secrets.”

I honestly don’t know what to make of this but it seems important so

“Oh, we know where he is,” Mraize said. “He has asked for—and been granted—asylum in a city no other Ghostblood has been able to enter.”

“A place you can’t enter?” Shallan asked. “Where is security that tight?”

“The fortress named Lasting Integrity,” Mraize said. “Home and capital city of the honorspren in Shadesmar.”

OH SURE BRANDON, JUST DROP ANOTHER FUCKING BOMBSHELL IN THIS CHAPTER, I CAN DEFINITELY HANDLE IT

at least my question of “why the fuck is SHALLAN going to Lasting Integrity” is answered

“Oh, you will. And once you successfully return from this mission, your reward will be—as always—something for which you hunger. Answers. All of them.”

So like, first of all I’m skeptical that Shallan will actually succeed, so that’s one thing. And second, what’s to say that Brando will just have Shallan learn things off the page and we don’t know the answers? Either way, I eagerly await how this plot line will play out. Whatever’s gonna happen, it’s gonna involve some hella cosmere Lore.

Mraize had never been willing to speak of that, but she had to think they’d been grooming her—and her family—for over a decade.

He knew the truth about Shallan’s past. There were holes in her childhood memories. If they did what he asked, Mraize would fill them.

And maybe then, at long last, Veil could force Shallan to become complete.

The word “grooming” stands out to me here. What, exactly, were they grooming her for?

***

Anyway. Wow. What a fucking chapter. So little action, and yet so much just changed. Rhythm of War is taking on a very different look now that there’s Lore at stake.

#stormlight archive #stormlight spoilers #rhythm of war #anecdotes by peachdoxie #peachdoxie liveblogs stormlight

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too-many-baes · 5 years ago

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Moonlit Escapades

Pairing: fem!reader x Jack Kline

Warning(s): Nudity?? Is that a warning??? IDK is now

Word Count: 1.7K

Summary: Reader invites Jack out for a midnight adventure

A/N: So I know I’m sorry this is not on the request list, but lemme tell you I am soooo fucking sick, I’ve got a real nasty chest infection, and writing this was the only thing making me feel better. Forgive me x (also I am like low key really proud of this one???)

My requests are definitely still open xx

**********

The crisp breeze bites at your face, a constant reminder of its cooling presence. You’re in an open patch of grass, a rare spot amongst the trees that has a direct line to the sky above.

“That one there”, you point up to a collection of stars, “is the little dipper and that one just underneath”, you point at the stars directly below it, “is the big dipper.” You’ve always had a fascination with stars. The way they twinkle up above as if the cosmos is winking down at Earth’s inhabitants. There’s a magic to them, as much as science loves to deny it. How could things that sparkle like faraway fairies not possess unearthly magic?

The way you cherish the stars is how you convinced your midnight partner to sneak out with you. The moment you met Jack you knew there was something different about him. The way he spoke about the world and the things around him made you curious. You’ve met plenty of souls, old and young, but you’re convinced Jack must be the only brand new soul you’ve ever encountered. He’s sincere and unassuming, looking at everything with fresh eyes, untarnished by popular consensus and usual perspective. Everything is just what it is to Jack, everyone worthy of a chance and opportunity.

You had been right in assuming that he would have wanted to come stargazing. Admittedly the concept confused him at first but when you’d explained you could see pictures hidden in the sky he leapt at the idea, saying he wouldn’t miss it for anything.

“What about this one?” Jack questions, pointing above. You trail your eyes up to follow his arm, seeing he’s pointing to a particularly bright star.

You’re lying side by side, heads almost resting upon one another and feet pointing polar opposite directions. Your current position had been Jack’s idea, insisting he’d be able to tell which stars you were pointing at more clearly after struggling to pick them initially.

“Well I don’t know much but that one star, but it is part of a constellation.”

“It is?” He says cheerily, as if had won a prize. You nod at his enthusiasm.

“That one is Pegasus. In Greek mythology it’s a horse with wings. He carried thunder and lightning for Zeus, ruler of Olympia.” Jack remains staring in wonder for a long while as you pointed out the constellations head, body and legs.

“How do you know that’s what the stars are?”

“Well, I don’t. No one does really”, you reply while also searching for a good answer, “but that’s what people saw them as thousands of years ago.” You let yourselves sit a while in the not quite quiet of the night before continuing. “That’s part of the reason stars are so amazing Jack, they tell us stories that are thousands of years old. It’s our connection to a world we’ll never know.”

You turn your head to look at the boy beside you. His dazzling eyes constantly dart back and forth, trying to simultaneously take in every little star on its own and then all of them as a whole. The moon casts a silver shine upon the soft smile on his lips, his silky locks comfortably framing his forehead.

He’s a vision in the moonlight, more so than under the sun if that was even possible. He seems ethereal, eternal. Like he was made from moon rocks and star dust, born to live under a soft glow amongst the whispers of the night. You get so lost in his grace that you realise too late his entrancing eyes are on yours, causing you to jump slightly.

“Did I scare you?” His question seems serious although you see mischief in his eyes. That little glint of playful trouble gives you an idea, something you’ve always wanted to try but were too scared until now to do.

“Are you tired yet Jack?” You ask, wanting to make sure he was up for more midnight ruckus. He shakes his head vigorously.

“I don’t get tired very often. Even if I was I’d want to stay out with you.” And there it was again, that unabashed way he says what he means. He doesn’t hide or squirm away from anything and you find it impossible not to admire him for it. You stand swiftly, walking over and offering your hands which he accepts, allowing himself to be yanked to his feet.

“Come with me, I have an idea.” You start off into the surrounding trees, making to release Jack’s hands. To your surprise as you lead your way through the night in the tight knit clan of trees he does not relinquish your hand, tightly holding your right in his left. Not that you mind, quite the opposite. His soft skin on yours is calming, much like his presence but in a way being with him could never quite provide. It’s like being anchored, knowing no matter what you’ll be safe with your hand in his.

You reach your pre-thought destination, a lake on the other side of the trees with a mossy wharf leading part way in. The sight is as beautiful as you’d pictured it would be, the sharp intake of air beside you showing Jack agrees.

It’s as if you’d placed a giant mirror on the ground. The sky reflects so clearly in the still night water that if you jump in you might just be able to make your way to Mercury, or even further. You intend to see. With Jack still holding your hand you lead him to where the ground meets the old splintering wood of the wharf.

“Have you ever heard of skinny dipping?” You ask, breathless at the notion you’d just proposed. The quirk in his eyebrows tells you he hasn’t. “It’s when you take off all of your clothes and jump in the water.” He looks at your face, trying to process the new concept you’ve relayed.

“I thought people didn’t like to be naked around each other?” His query makes you laugh, with him though, never at him.

“A lot of people don’t. That’s why it’s so thrilling.” You’re unsure of yourself as you reach down and pull off your thick sweater, throwing it to the ground. The singlet underneath leaves you still completely clothed, but your heart pounds in your chest as if trying to escape its cavity. “Do you want to try it?” You don’t want to make uncomfortable and you definitely don’t want to scare him away, but as you keep eye contact while discarding your singlet you see no judgement or apprehension in his starry brown eyes, only curiosity.

This is never normally like you, you think as you stand and wait for the next move. You’re usually reserved, the last one to agree to anything and the first to leave. It’s this boy, his magnetic force and the stars impulsive light compelling you to be daring. And who are you to deny the stars, to turn your back on mother moon?

The smile that appears on Jack’s face tells you the night didn’t lead you astray. You’re both taking your clothes off now, quickly hopping out of pants and throwing pesky cotton aside until you are standing face to face, baring all.

“You sure you want to do this?” His smile simply widens at your question, holding a hand out in between your naked forms for you to take. You happily accept his mooring hand as you make your way to the edge of the wharf, peering down into the icy still water.

“It’s going to be really cold.” You whisper, suddenly a little unsure despite the fact your clothes are gone and his hand is holding yours.

“Wouldn’t that be part of the thrill?” His question was not intended to act as affirming, yet that’s exactly what it was. You offer up a count of three, every number you count you inch your toes more off the edge.

You scream the final number, both of you leaping forward in unison to disrupt the still of the quiet lake below. The water is freezing just as you’d assumed, feeling like small needles cover every inch of your bare body. When you emerge from beneath Jack is already above, swiping his hair from his eyes.

“I told you it would be really cold.” You shiver out, moving your limbs about to encourage warmth to your appendages. He nods his head, agreeing you were right. You start to swim away from the wharf, blurring the perfect picture of the night with every movement.

You turn to face Jack seeing steady brown eyes on yours, that mischief unknown to him blatant to you. Impulsively you splash a small wave of frigid water over him, causing a splutter of complaint. He retaliates on a larger scale, eliciting yelps of excitement from you as you try to evade the icy onslaught. It’s no use. Eventually he is upon you, ceasing your wrists in his grip to prevent further attacks, locking you in his gaze.

“Have you ever seen a shooting star?” You ask seemingly out of the blue, earning a shake of the head from Jack. ��I think two must have fallen the day you were born Jack.”

“Why?”

“Because they’re here.” You gently tap under his eyes indicating your meaning. “Either that or you stole them from above.” He smiles once more, a genuine, sincere one at your allusion.

Not long after your bodies can take no longer and you’re forced to emerge from the grips of the lake. Jack walks you home, refusing to let you go alone. When you reach your door he insists you have another night to watch the stars and you have no inclination to deny him.

“So you know Y/N”, he whispers during his goodbye, “I think you’re just as much as a thief as me.” He delicately touches the space under your eyes, keeping gaze as he does. He shifts his finger and gently touches your nose as a goodbye, turning to make his way back home

What would the stars have thought watching you tonight, you wonder? Would the moon have been frowning while the dippers laughed at your antics? Would Pegasus have been stern while Aquarius admiring your youth?

You’re not exactly sure the stars appreciated you as much as you and Jack them, but you can’t find it within yourself to care, the entrancing retreating boy’s acceptance more than making up for any judgement the sky could give.

*********

Supernatural Taglist

@hobby27 @musiclovinchic93

#jack kline #jack kline x reader #jack kline reader insert #jack kline one shot #jack kline imagine #jack kline fanfiction #jack kline fanfic #supernatural #supernatural reader insert #supernatural one shot #supernatural imagine #supernatural fanfiction #supernatural fanfic #writing #mine #too many baes

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luv4fandoms · 5 years ago

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Laying Claim (Castiel x Witch!Reader)

@ladyofhellhounds

So with that in mind, this is what my brain came up with, idk why XD, I hope you like it 😊

(Also guys, my mom and I finally got to the Godstiel part of Spn I've heard so much about, and pretty much our reaction was the same, just "oh sweety, no, what are you doing?)

Word count: 2,476

Pairings: Castiel x Reader

Warnings: Cussing, Demons being asshole, unknown claiming? Fluffly Cas, Angry Cas

Today's the day! The anniversary of when you first joined the Winchesters and their guardian angel one year ago. You had met when a coven in your town had started killing people, you were going to find out for yourself but...Well after all, if they wanted to do the dirty work of searching, why not let them?

Though you still did some digging of your own after you found a hex bag in your gutter, silly little girls, just a bunch of soccer moms who thought Harry Potter was real. Needless to say the demon they had sold their souls to at their little slumber party wasn't the type to give them back, and with a little help from one of your spells, the pieces fell right into place for the Winchesters to slay the demon...

Only problem was the bitch knew about you, and used her last breath to spill the beans, so you really weren't surprised when the trio came barging up to your house. The two boys seemed to want nothing more than your head on a platter as well, thinking you were linked to the coven, but the third, the third simply stared at you, seemingly trying to decipher you as well as commit you to memory. It wasn't hard to know what he was, the gift of sight as your grandmother called it, allowed you to see the large black wigs that rose behind him.

'Interesting' you had thought, remembering everything you had ever read about angels.

"Tell you what" you spoke, stopping the argument the boys were having.

"Have your little friend here read my mind, or memories, which ever he prefers, and see that I have never harmed anyone" the boys looked to the angel who seemed to have broken out of the trance he was under at the sound of your voice.

"Cas?" The shorter man asked, to which 'Cas' simply nodded and made his way over to you, he lifted his fingers, placing two on your forehead while closing his eyes, a moment later he opened them and nodded at the boys.

"She's telling the truth, she hasn't hurt anyone, she actually helps people, and was a target of the coven herself" he told them.

"See? I told you, now, would you care to join me for some tea?" You asked, eyes never leaving his blue ones, oh you could get lost in those babies.

"I even have pie" you added with a smile as you finally turned to the other two.

That had been the first time you had a civil conversation with the trio; Sam and Dean, two orphan hunters following in Daddy's footsteps. And Castiel, the angel who decided to fight his own kind to protect humanity, interesting. You offered your services should the boys ever need it, figuring they would never take you up on it, but hoping to be able to see the stoic angel once more, and low and behold...

They called. For almost a year now you had been helping them, being a researcher, going with them on cases, even using your magic to take down baddies. The work made your feel alive, but not as alive as when Cas would come around. Something about the angel's presence alone makes your body feel electrified, and when his piercing blue orbs met yours you swore your heart stopped. Lately though, he started treating you like a child who was incapable of keeping herself safe.

The first time was while you were helping the boys with some demons, a reason for Cas to be present, and you hadn't thought much past trying to slow down your heart rate when he grabbed you and pulled you to his chest, shielding your eyes as he let out a blinding light that killed them all.

The second time though, you had been against a neat of vamps, one which you and the boys were handling just find, but just as you were about to drop the vamp that was advancing towards you, a silver blade pierced it's neck, quickly taking it's head, and when it fell it revealed Cas standing behind it. He stated that he needed to speak with Dean and Sam about something, so that is why he located you all, but you began to wonder when you were the first one he healed, and he stood extra close to you as he spoke.

The third time you started to grow annoyed. You were just fine by yourself, could handle yourself against the werewolf, and in your opinion, kicking ass. Sure you had taken a few scratches, and your arm hurt like hell from the deep claw marks, but you held your ground...And then right as you were about to give the killing blow with your magic, that all too familiar angel blade made an appearance once more.

"What the hell Cas that was my kill!" You told him, less angry about the fact that he finished the fight and more about the fact that he had done it so often recently.

"You're injured" he simply stated.

"So? I was still kicking its ass!" You defended as he walked over to you and healed you, causing you to groan and walk away from the confused angel.

The final straw had been tonight, the whole day throughout the hunt for a pack of demons who had intel on Lucifer, the boys and you had been in a somewhat good mood after you had bought them breakfast and explained the anniversary. The hunt had gone well, you found the demons, killed all but one and was grilling it for information. It was a tough nut to crack, even an exorcism didn't scare it.

"We're not getting anywhere, let me try" you told them, causing Dean to immediately shake his head.

"Hell no, I'm not letting you near that thing alone"

"Funny, you say that like you can stop me" you stated while looking over at him, there was a silent stare before you sighed

"Just five minutes Dean, I promise you I'll be fine" before Dean could even open his mouth Sam spoke in your defence

"She's right Dean, and besides, he's in the trap, what can he do?"

Dean was silent for a moment before his eyes met yours again.

"Fine, but five minutes is all you got" nodding, you made your way back into the room.

"Ok buddy, here's how it's gonna go down" you started as you stood in front of him, but he only laughed while looking around.

"Boy toys now coming?" He asked

"Sorry pal, just you and me, now you're gonna-"

"You know I'm surprised your mate leaves you alone with them, he must trust you a lot, or he's an idiot"

"What the hell are you even talking about?" You asked, confused as to why he would state you have a "mate"

"Oh….Oh you don't know" he started laughing hysterically.

"Shut it!" You yelled watching as his laughter died down, but the smirk stayed.

"Sweety, you reek of him. His sent his all over you. Desperate protectiveness, longing, it's enough to make me gag, the best part is that he did this without you even knowing. A do not touch sign to anyone else, a claim on you, really that's horrible, and I'm a demon" he laughed again, while you digest the information, something had laid a claim on you? You felt like you needed a shower thinking that it could be any of the creatures you encountered in your year with the boys.

"You know though, I'm not surprised you didn't know" it stated, causing you to look at it once more.

"You're such an idiot" and with that he lunged at you, knocking you back into the wall and knocking the air from your lungs. You were pretty sure you heard your shoulder pop while your vision blacked out for a moment. When you looked around you noticed the slow steady drip of water from a nearby pipe that had washed away part of the devil's trap, before your eyes were brought back to the demon's face as he straddled you, leaning in and taking a deep breath.

"I wonder how he would like it...If I laid my own claim to you" he smirked, and you tried to push him off as he leaned down, him somehow over powering your magic, but just as he was about to reach your neck, his weight disappeared from you and a crash was heard from the other side of the room.

"W-wait I-I didn't know!" It started to plead as you watched Castiel slowly walk towards him.

"I didn't know she belonged to an angel I swear!" He pleaded again.

'Belonged to…' your mind started to remember little things that happened these past couple of months. Cas giving you his coat when you stood outside watching the boys do a salt and burn, Cas sitting next to your while you explained your favorite shows to him, by the end of the night you would be leaning against him and his arm would be on the back of the couch, fingers lightly resting on your shoulder. Cas listening to your music with you from your ipod in the back of the impala despite the fact he could easily poof to the location. And then there was Cas always swooping in when you were fighting things...did Cas...Lay claim to you?

You watched as he easily got the information and killed the demon, only then noticing that the boys had been pounding on the door trying to get in, upon the demon's death, it unlocked and they rushed into the room.

"Y/N!" Dean started but Cas was quick to cut him off.

"Why were you not with her?" His voice rising slightly, the only indication besides the fire still burning in his eyes that he was pissed.

"We figured she" Sam started, but was also cut off by Cas.

"That she what? Was your bait to get information? You put her in danger!" A light blew out in the room.

"And we told her" Dean tried

"And you know she would not listen! You should have been in her presence at all times!" Another light, the bright flash momentarily illuminating the shadow of Cas's wings, oh, he was very pissed.

"Cas" you started

"This is exactly why I have to keep-"

"CAS!" You yelled, turning the room silent as you stood, grabbing your arm that you could clearly tell was broken.

"I came here alone of my own accord, they didn't want me to, but I did it anyways, it's not their fault"

"They should have protected you" he started, coming forward to heal your wounds, his eyes showed a different story, and in that moment you knew what he was really trying to say.

'I should have protected you'

"We need to talk by the way" you stated, looking at the boys then him.

"Alone" with a nod he grabbed your hand.

"I'll take her back to the hotel" he told the boys, and in a blink, you stood in your hotel room. You let go of his hand, making your way over to the bed and sat down, Cas didn't move as he stared at the carpet.

"Cas did you…."you started before realizing that this was going to be really embarrassing to ask.

"Did you ...Lay claim to me?" you asked, not meeting his gaze when you saw him look at you from the corner of your eye.

"...Not...Fully" he spoke after a moment, this caused you to look at him.

"What does that even mean?" You gave a short laughed and watched as he sighed before coming to sit next to you.

"Y/N I...I have feeling for you...Ones that someone would only have in the presence of a potential mate" he states turning to look at you.

"Wow sweety we gotta get you into now days language" you said with a chuckle, before adding.

"So..You have feelings for me?"

"Yes, I thought it was wise to push them away at first, you would be in danger if anyone after me, found you. But as time went on I found them...Harder to repress, and I found myself claiming you before I even realized it" He states, looking down as if weighted by shame.

"We have different versions of claiming"you laugh, thinking back to what the demon had said

"He said I smelled like you" Cas nodded, still not meeting your eyes.

"It's the first stage of claiming someone, we cover them in our scent, it's not perceivable to your senses, but to other beings it lets them know that you belong to someone" he explained, "So every time you sat next to me or gave me your coat?" He nodded, before adding.

"My grace also leaves behind a scent" he added.

"Your grace? Do you...Use it often?" You asked.

"To protect you yes" He nodded

"So this was why you have been jumping in front of monsters for me?" You asked, again he nodded.

"You know I can take care of myself" you smiled

"But it's my job to protect you" he stated, finally meeting your gaze.

"Because you're my mate?" You asked with a laugh, but noticed his cheeks darken at your words.

"I'm not your mate…"

"Yet" You smirked when he looked at you with wide eyes.

"I have feelings for you that someone would only have in the presence of a potential mate" you smiled, watching as he scanned your eyes for any sign that you were untruthful.

"But I can still take care of myself" to laughed.

"But It's my-"

"Job to protect me, tell you what, if it's your job to protect me, than it's my job to protect you" you told him as you leaned in, watching his confused expression as you pressed your lips against his, they were just as soft as you always imagined they would be, and your hand came up to cup his face, his stubble lightly scratching your palm as you felt his hand rest against your hip. You pulled away and looked into his eyes, the striking blue swallowed by black pupils.

"As your mate" you smiled, watching as a smile spread across his lips.

"So...if putting your scent on me is the first stage...what are the other stages of..Laying claim to a mate?" You asked with a smirk, watching as his smile turned playful.

"There are a lot of stages, it could take all night" he replied.

"Well, guess we better get started" you spoke before pulling him down for another kiss, you were in for a long, blissful night with your new mate. Happy anniversary to you.

Hope everyone enjoyed it! Let me know what you think.

#supernatural imagine #supernatural oneshot #supernatural castiel #castiel #castiel x reader #castiel imagine #castiel oneshot #spn #laying claim #claiming #supernatural

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9uk · 6 years ago

Text

From The Bottom of My Heart

⌲ summary : maybe you and Jungkook, through heaven or hell, have always meant to stay close to each other.

⌲ pairing : bully!jungkook x reader

⌲ word count : 3.6k

⌲ genre : angst, fluff idk

⌲ warnings : mentions of past abuse, xoxo

⌲ a/n : this is what y’all hoes wanted hehe, so here it is. Happy New Year’s in advanced! also, happy birthday taetae <3

**Spin-off from my series Let Me Stay Close To You. If you haven’t read it, I’d suggest you read it first to have a better understanding of the context of this story. Read it here.

It's that time of the year again—where gifts are exchanged and gingerbread houses are made, where evergreen conifers are decorated with ornaments hung by the overly-excited children and the smell of Ceylon tea, baked potatoes and ham fills the kitchen. Everyone gathers around the fireplace and share their strange or ridiculous encounters over the year, laughters bursting and smiles everlasting while the star ornament sits on top of the Christmas tree gently, shining.

At least that's what you think Christmas is like, and should be.

In the sad world of reality, you have always spent the festive occasion coped up in your mother's café, selling log cakes and butterscotch cookies, telling kids to be careful with the hot chocolate you have just created and handed over to them.

It's the season when the shop is exceptionally busy, with overflowing customers who have foam gathered on their upper lips as they chat with joy over a cup of peppermint mocha latte.

It's supposed to be a wonderful period—well at least for you this year.

You are thousands of miles away from that crusty coffee place your mother runs, and you have completely forgotten about everything you've painstakingly memorised on the Christmas menu.

When you first received a hug from Sooyoung in what seemed like decades, the gesture ignited a small thought at the back of your head, that Christmas this year was going to be a little less lonely and spiced with fun instead. Who would have thought that friendships can appear as strong steel bridges of bonds, but yet so easily snap like a wooden plank.

With the money you received from your parents and the pay you get at that greasy restaurant, you were able to rent a not too shabby apartment a few streets from the university. But the fact that you are now living alone, that's the part that creeps into your late night thoughts at times.

You clearly remember Jungkook bugging you with an undefeated persistence to get your ass to the Christmas party Taehyung holds every year.

"C'mon, it will be fun. I promise, you have me!"

He knows what you have in mind, that all your friends have left your side and you would feel like a total loser and loner at the party.

Ex-friends, you mean.

If it weren't for them, you wouldn't have attended a single party at all.

He continues nudging your arm and whining for what seems like the nth time. "Please-"

"Okay, okay."

He looks at you with those big round glossy eyes you can't say no to. "I'll go."

And that is why you are currently freaking out over what to wear to the party. If only Sooyoung was—nevermind, screw that.

You fish out a random black dress from your closet and headed out before you changed your mind.

Being alone is no obstacle to you. It was being alone at a party that frightened you, it was a place where you are supposed to enter with friends—to be able to slowly fit into the crowd and be comfortable with the atmosphere in the house.

However, you were feeling jittery—much more than when you are called out to present your answer in front of the whole class. You didn't realise how accustomed you were to Sooyoung's constant bubbly presence beside you, not until this day. The party had just begun a while ago, and you hoped your entrance would hold the least significance to anyone in there, and you brushed off the thought of everyone's eyes on your weird form. That brat Jungkook had told you that he'd be waiting for you inside, and made you come to the party all by yourself.

What were you so afraid of anyway?

Maybe a couple of rumours had been spread between the ladies, and they would send you judgemental looks—but you were very used to it since the start, so why are you being so self-conscious right now?

Nonetheless, you picked up the phone and decided to dial someone—correction. The only one who you acquainted with in this college and is still on good (but strange) terms with you.

It was clear as day and green as grass that Namjoon has begun to harbour an interest much more than just physical attraction for you. During occasional study dates and the tutoring he offers you, you never once failed to catch him staring at you at least twice. You were pretty sure that there weren't any vegetable stuck between your teeth or crumbs on the corner of your lip though.

"What?" You look up to meet his eyes.

"What?" The both of you chuckle at the same time when he immediately shoots the question back at you.

"Why're you looking at me like that?" Namjoon is rendered speechless, it was almost as if all the excuses for him gawking at you in this manner had transformed into useless brain juice.

You were so far the first and only person who didn't judge or criticise him based on his looks. You even thought he was handsome and told him that straight in his face, and it made him wonder if you had standards lower than hell. "Nothing much, I-I think you look gorgeous today." He quickly averts his gaze to the homework before him, pretending to scribble somehing just to avoid your eyes and hide his blush. You shift your chair closer to him and lean in towards his face. "So...you mean only today?" You purposely pout.

His head shoots up, flabbergasted and he instantly corrects his words. "No! I mean—"

A cheeky smile grows on your face to replace the initial pout and you reassure him, "I'm just kidding, relax."

Namjoon's lips part slightly before he shakes his head and grins at your antics.

Namjoon informs you of his boredom and agrees to go with you to the party.

As expected, the house is filled with people for the alcohol here is free. In the stressful life of books and papers, who wouldn't mind a shot of tequila or two?

Namjoon is the gentleman that he is, offering you a ride to the venue but you politely decline. Instead, you choose to make your way over alone and meet him at the party itself. Having him accompany you was more than enough.

Your hand is on the handle of the front door to Taehyung's house and you cannot help but shift your weight nervously between your two feet. For some reason, the loud noises travelling from the inside are making your breath quicken and the overthinking to get to the better of you. You really hoped that not a single person would be attracted to your tiny appearance at this major party. It was then you realised how much Sooyoung and friends made you feel comfortable attending a huge party like this, they held your hand and gave you the much assurance you needed—that you were not alone.

And now you're back to square one.

What if everyone was playing games and having fun but suddenly upon your arrival the music dies down and all heads would be turned towards the main door with faces glaring at you?

Even though that is something that least likely would happen, you still prepare yourself for an unfortunate event like the aforementioned, or the worst that could happen. Right, just retreat and go home to the comfort of your laptop and bag of chips. And probably never face anyone in school ever again. Jesus Christ, the more of you think about it, your grip on the door handle is beginning to loosen and you would really be in bed in no less than a second. And your hesitance would result in a disappointed Jeon Jungkook.

Wait no, your meekly absence would never disappoint anyone.

You're not that important in such annual affairs.

You're not Regina George or something.

Now you feel stupid in this over-planned outfit and your makeup feels too extra.

You're just a loser with like barely any friends. Get it together. Why did you even agree to come? Just because Jeon Jungkook begged at the minimum? And he's nowhere to be seen. Just text Namjoon you're not feeling well, perfect excuse. You should have just remained at home where-

"Y/N!" The dark oak door suddenly flies open causing you to jump a little. His eyes are wide and shining with excitement, the dimples and wide grin supporting the assumption.

"How long have you been standing there? Come on in!" Namjoon is acting more like the host of the party than Taehyung is with the lovely invitation.

After he takes a proper look at you, his tongue darts out to wet his lips and he reaches out to intertwine his hand with yours to pull you into the house.

To say that you were merely overthinking would be an understatement.

Everybody was minding their own business, whether you stepped foot inside or not.

No one even acknowledged or is aware about your presence.

Except for a certain someone.

Namjoon is still holding your hand in a gentle yet possessive way, and he is different today for an unknown cause.

His confidence is exceptionally striking today and is clearly radiating off him. He is finally able to raise his head to meet the eyes of people with ease.

The way he waves and firmly greets an acquaintance walking past him and makes his way through the group of people in this place— makes you smile involuntarily, for you recall he first time you met him, when he didn't even have the courage to lift his head to face you.

He leads you to an empty spot and cages your head between his both palms fixated onto the wall. Namjoon looks just about ready to devour you whole there and then.

"Someone's...confident tonight." You quirk a brow up and place your hands on his hips to pull him a little closer.

Nothing but an innocent gesture.

Teasing him was fun and you both enjoyed it. Your touch sends him groaning softly to himself and he tries to resist from kissing you there and then.

"Look princess," He calls lowly, "Let's take things slow tonight."

It was the first time he has ever called you by that pet name and you must admit you're rather turned on—no, taken aback, you mean. Right, just surprised.

The feeling of someone intensely staring is doing nothing but growing stronger with every inch Namjoon is gradually closing between your faces. It felt like sharp daggers shooting right at the both of you at that moment and it made whatever you were doing become uncomfortable.

For you were under the predatory gaze of someone.

Suddenly, when Namjoon's lips finally bump into yours, you felt like he was too close for your liking.

You had no idea why you were feeling and acting this way, but you pushed his body away from yours. He panics and questions if he has crossed the line worryingly. "No, no, sorry I need to excuse myself to the washroom. " You desperately wave both hands to assure that it had nothing got to do with him—but you.

It didn't feel right at all.

And with that, you hastily left his side, dashing upstairs to god knows where.

You're in search of a balcony or some sort, a quiet area that gets your fresh air and being alone.

Maybe it was too much to take, with how Namjoon was acting so boldly, and how things would escalate to another level once you give him consent. You also did not wish for the friendship to be left in shattered pieces after the both of you do something friends should not do.

Maybe he was stepping on the line, and you were decisive enough to push him further from it—but not enough to tell him. It would bring his well built self-esteem down. If you were going to reject him, you would have to do it properly and respectfully.

[20:44] Me: hey joon, i'm sorry. i needed to leave because something cropped up at home. the next ben & jerry's will be my treat. see you ard

You switch off your phone and tuck it away into your small bag.

You had just so happen to find a balcony when you randomly entered one of the rooms upstairs. Lucky for you, there weren’t any people banging the life out of each other in the bedroom you selected. You quietly shut the door close behind you as your eyes roam around the four walls.

On the dresser, there is a picture frame of Taehyung with his family at highschool graduation. You waltz your way over to the family portrait and pick it up carefully.

You swipethe layer of dust coating the glass with your finger and Taehyung and his family smiling brightly can be seen clearly.

He hasn’t changed much, boxy grin and cresent eyes still intact.

There is a sense of longing and envy blooming in your heart, and it clenches tightly, sourly.

You never had the blessing to be able to spend your graduation day with your family, the entire school is clueless that you even have a father. You lived your teen years in shame and hiding. It’s a pity because you did not have the opportunity to take pictures like Taehyung did in the open field, throwing his hat up to the sky and receiving flowers from his parents. Placing the frame down gently, you went to the balcony and closed the curtains for privacy in case anyone happened to come in to disrupt your moment of peace.

“What the hell are you doing?” Taehyung snatches his wrist away from Jungkook’s hard grip. He slams the door shut and confronts Taehyung. “Were you the one who invited that Namjoon guy?”

He furrows his brows at his friend, beyond agitated.

“Who?!” Taehyung questions back. “I don’t even know who-”

“Then do you know where Y/N is?” Jungkook prompts again, desperate.

“And how would I know that? You were the one secretly staring at her ever since she came in.” Taehyung had a point. But right when he saw Namjoon approach you, and you willingly went along to wherever he brought you—he couldn’t bear to just watch and not be able to do anything. Just then, a random girl went up to him and tried her luck—but obviously to no avail. After he shrugged her pestering, you were nowhere to be seen. Namjoon too, had disappeared somewhere else and he started growing worried. Had Namjoon managed to get you to his place?

“Ah…” He plops down onto his friend’s bed and tugs at his hair in frustration. The thought of Namjoon having his way with you and all to himself makes him boil in anger. He thinks you don’t deserve Namjoon, who has tried his shot with almost every girl—yet at the same time he thinks he is unworthy of you as well.

There is an inner conflict going on between his heart and mind. Was it really right to have someone he did not deserve at all? Will he even manage to get closer to you, open up your world and heal the both of your broken hearts together? Jungkook is capable at countless things—except you.

You were the enigma in his life, so forbidden and mysterious that he really wants to connect and share a special bond with you. He doesn’t say it aloud, but you meant a lot to him in a way or another.

“Something bothering you?” Taehyung probes, folding his arms trying to figure out his bestfriend.

“How…How do you confess to someone?”

The question comes out as a shocker to Taehyung, but he is willing to help his friend out in a time of crisis for such a matter.

“Ha! You’ve came to the right person.” Taehyungs face beams with delight. “First,” He reaches out to grab Jungkook’s hand and interlace his fingers together with his. “Hold her hand. Properly, tightly. To show that you’re genuine in your confession. Also, to show how serious and certain you are about her.” Jungkook’s face contorts in disgust at the sight of Taehyung being a cheesy romantic. “Then,” He pulls Jungkook up from his bed and leans into his ear. “Look her in the face and tell her every word from the bottom of your heart. The words you’ve been wanting to tell her but never got the chance to..” Jungkook is frozen stiff with his bestfriend demonstrating on him. But Taehyung doesn’t stop.

He leans in close and pulls Jungkook into a tight hug. “Hug her! It must be tight as well, so that she can feel the affection you are trying to show.” Taehyung squeezes Jungkook and squeals happily for him. “Get off me! You’re squashing me dude!” Jungkook almost couldn’t breathe and Taehyung pats his back before stepping away. “That’s about it, there can be bonus if you want.”

“Nope, I’m good.” Jungkook smiles and pushes Taehyung to at least an arm’s length away.

“Back to real talk though, it’s Y/N isn’t it?”

“Did someone call me?” You emerge from the curtains through the balcony sliding doors, pretending to be oblivious. Jungkook presses his lips into a line and looks down at the floor, embarrassed to the sky. Taehyung notices and quickly announces that he has to host the party.

You carried on with your act, seeing as to how flustered Jungkook was becoming.

“I thought Taehyung called me.”

“No.” Jungkook hides his hands into the pockets of his jeans to appear collected, but truth is he was hiding how shaky and nervous he was around you—and the possibility that you had just heard their entire conversation.

“Is that so?” You doubt. Jungkook doesn’t reply, only giving you a nod of affirmation. “Well if that is so, I’ll make my leave.”

You smile at him and head for the door. Jungkook’s mouth open slightly.

“Wait, Y/N!”

The feeling of his fingers softly wrapped around your wrist is unexplainable—unlike the past, this time he holds you with care and a mindfulness to not hurt you in any way.

You spin around to face him.

“Uh, yes?”

Jungkook had always known you were decent looking, but this time you looked extraordinarily beautiful. The way you looked at him through your long lashes, the faded cherry lip tint you had on, your rich long locks falling over your shoulder and the mini black dress that hugged your figure so perfectly your cures were on display—you were the epitome of perfect, looking so endearing in a simple outfit as such and he swore to the heavens he would take immense care of you if you were ever in his arms. The scar doesn’t go unnoticed by him, and his stomach twists in an unpleasant manner at the sight of it. He is still unable to accept how he treated you in the past, and he hates himself more than anything for it—he wishes that you would at least grant him a chance to make up for his wrongdoings.

There is a need surging throughout his body, into his legs; stepping closer to you, into his hands; coming up to run his fingers through your hair and hold your face in place, and his face; diving in recklessly to smash his lips onto yours.

Maybe you thought that he would go according to Taehyung’s plan—confess then give you a a warm hug. But this wasn’t what you were expecting at all.

Jungkook kisses you like it was the last time when it’s only the first, he tilts his head and meld his lips feverishly with yours. It feels like forever with the way he is kissing you, so slow and intimate yet so hasty and desperate. You are able to feel the feelings he is trying to convey through this intimacy—filled with regret, want and a sense of belonging. You belonged to him. Back then, now and in the future. Always.

You wrap your arms around his waist and pull him in closer, mouth opening to grant his tongue access. He smiles into the kiss for a split moment before his tongue is darting out to swirl messily with yours, causing you to moan softly in his mouth. His grasp on your jaw doesn’t loosen and he bites down onto your lower lip before reluctantly pulling away.

A glow of red starts creeping onto his cheeks when the both of you look at each other, faces shy yet hearts pulsating with happiness.

You are the first to break the silence, smiling up at him, “That was…” You couldn’t bring yourself to say it. Everything between you and Jungkook had gone through mountains and seas, but this time—it escalated quickly to a whole new level. It was too much to accept at the moment, but it felt great with him for some reason. The both of you, so unfamiliar with each other’s worlds, yet understanding them to a depth no one outside can reach. There was still much to learn about each other, but you already felt this inseparable connection with the man standing before you.

You allow yourself to bury yourself into his chest and muffle your giggles, and he encases you in his muscular arms in a way never before. Hugging him made you feel complete, like two hearts that were finally pieced together as one. It provided you with a warmth so peculiar and never felt before. It felt surreal, almost akin to a dream.

He strokes your hair lovingly and places a firm yet chaste kiss on the top of your head. “Let me stay close to you Y/N,” He nuzzles his face into the crook of your neck. “For a long, long time…I will love and take care of you all my life.”

You smile and flutter your eyes close, waddling aimlessly around the room with arms around each other basking in the shining moonlight—never wanting to let go of each other.

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heeydolan · 6 years ago

Text

L A {G.D.} – Part 4

Summary: moving to LA her senior year, Y/N goes into this new journey with low exceptions. Surprisingly, the new school has tons of drama to keep her occupied from what she’s missing out on back home.

A/N: So so sooo sorry for the wait! I’ve been so busy lately. Also, sorry for any mistakes. I’m literally about to fall asleep typing this authors note. Lol.

Warnings: talk of sex kinda idk

WC: 1.4k

masterlist

Days turned into weeks and those weeks eventually formed into a month. A full month of Y/N being in LA and Grayson watching her date Ross from afar. Although he is still very much dating Tara, his mind has been focused more on Y/N and Ross’ relationship more than his own.

Although they’re not an official couple, it still hurts Grayson as he feels he could’ve had her if she didn’t back out of that date with him.

He’s not picky with the time he gets with her, though. They still see each other at school, after school, and on the weekends– as a group-get-together that is.

“Dude, what’s up with you lately?” Ethan questions his brother who is completely zoned into his phone, studying the recent Instagram picture Y/N posted. “Grayson!” The older twin yells in his second attempt to get his attention.

“Wh-what?” He finally snaps out of his trance, fumbling with the device.

“What’s your deal lately?” Ethan re-asks, pretty much already knowing the answer to his own question.

“I don’t know dude I–” He cuts himself off, not wanting to say what he knows is true. Admitting it makes it real and Grayson isn’t the best at dealing with real feelings.

“You like Y/N.” Ethan confesses for him. Little does Ethan know, ‘like’ may not be the right word to describe what Grayson actually feels for Y/N.

As I walk towards my brother’s car, I’m surprised when I receive a text from an unknown number telling me to meet them in the library asap.

Considering I’m about to pass the double doors going into that part of the building, I swing a left instead of continuing straight.

“Y/N! Hey! That was quick!” Tara whisper-yells from across the large room, sitting with Sabrina.

Tara’s the one who texted me?

“What’s up?” I ask, being as friendly as possible. The last couple weeks have not been so great with Tara and I. The constant death stares she sends me per day would be quite frightening for someone who didn’t know any better.

Luckily, Holly has given me countless tips on how to avoid and overlook all of Tara’s actions and remarks.

“Look, I think we started off on the wrong foot. Why don’t we start over, be friends? Ya know, go shopping, get our nails done, talk about boys.”

All of the advice in the world from Holly couldn’t have prepared me for this.

As confused as I am, I slowly nod my head and agree.

“Great! Then it’s settled. We’re officially besties!”

She pulls me into a weird ‘group’ hug with her and Sabrina, the two of them jumping up and down squealing. Unable to do the same because of my awkwardness, I break free of their grip and inform them I need to go meet with Jordan so I can get home.

Jordan is as confused as I am when I explain to him what had just happened. We both suspect she’s up to something fishy but can’t figure out exactly what it could be.

“It all happened so fast! And how else do you respond to someone telling you they’re your best friend now?”

“Well, Tara’s name spelled backwards is ‘A Rat’ and I sure do smell one.” My brother states.

“True.” We fist bump, clearly on the same page, as always.

As the week goes on, word of the annual homecoming party begins to spread throughout the halls of North Wood High School. Anyone who is anyone will be at this party. No sane soul will miss out.

“Great practice boys. Pack up and have a good night.” The head lacrosse coach announces as the team walks into the locker room.

Grayson gathers his belongings, giving Jordan and Ethan small nods and “mhmm’s” as he pretends to listen to what they’re talking about.

Really, he’s more focused on the conversation Ross is having with his friends.

As Ross walks past Grayson, he hears Y/N’s name brought up in the conversation.

“Have you hit it yet?” Bart asks from across the locker room.

“Hittin’ that Saturday night at the party.” Ross thrusts his hips back and forth, pretending Y/N is positioned in front of his pelvic region.

Unsure of why Jordan hasn’t turned around and knocked Ross out yet for talking about his sister like that, Grayson realizes it’s because he has his head phones in and can’t hear him.

Instead of doing what Jordan should be doing, Grayson decides to stay put. He’s not worth possibly ruining his friendship with her and/or losing his spot on the team for fighting.

A light turns on in Grayson’s head as he realizes: Y/N’s still a virgin.

There’s no way he will let her lose it to this guy who speaks about her as if she’s a game to win.

“Tara, you really don’t have to buy me this dress and these shoes. I–”

“–Nonsense.” Tara cut’s me off, “You’re one of my besties, I’m allowed to spoil you. Plus, you have to be looking smoking hot if you’re hanging out with us at the party tonight!”

After hanging out with her for a week, I’m beginning to think there’s no scam in this friendship she proposed to me. Holly, however, still thinks differently.

We make our way to a coffee shop, coincidentally running into Grayson and Ethan.

“Hey G bear!” Tara calls for him from across the small café.

She clings onto him like a parasite and I giggle as he nonchalantly squirms out of her grip.

He looks up at me as I walk to join them in line. Giving me a soft smile, I return one back to him. His hazel eyes bring me into him without actually touching him– something he’s been doing for the past month.

No words are exchanged during this encounter but the smirks and what’s said through our eyes speak louder to us than any actual words ever will.

Walking into the party with Ross was a weird experience. People paid more attention to me than I expected and gave me more compliments than I’ve ever gotten in my life.

Tonight was the night. Ya know… THE night. Ross convinced me to have sex with him, informing me that it would bring us closer together as a couple.

Dancing, laughing, drinking, and gossiping about who knows what seemed to consume most of my night.

No matter how much I drink though, I can’t seem to get my mind off of Grayson. Honestly, it further intensifies my thoughts of Grayson and more or less erases the thought of Ross.

Catching his gaze from across the room, my heart flutters. Giving him a big smile instead of the small smirks we’re so used to, he takes it as a que to approach me.

“Well, hi.” I pull him into a quick hug.

“Hello beautiful.” Wow I want so badly to just pull his lips right into mine. Thankfully, I’m not drunk enough to do something that stupid.

He makes small talk, going over our inside jokes from summers past and discussing college plans.

“So uh, I kind of overheard Ross talking in the locker room the other day.” He begins after a moment of non-awkward silence.

“What’d he say?” I giggle.

“That uh- he’s uh- he said he’s gonna hit that tonight.” Unable to respond, I feel my heart sink a little, realizing now how stupid I really was to believe having sex with Ross would bring us closer as a couple.

“Listen you told me about Tara so I’m trying to do the same for you. Don’t do it, Y/N. Wait, ok?” Grayson adds.

Because of how I’m currently feeling towards Ross, I get defensive and unintentionally take it out on Grayson, “It’s not like you owe me or something. Plus, you didn’t even listen to me. So since we’re being honest, I’ll just continue to date Ross like you did Tara.”

I turn to walk away, but he catches my arm and gently spins me back to him, “Y/N, all I’m saying is don’t do that ok? Don’t give him your virginity. Wait for someone who means something to you.”

“I tried waiting, Grayson. He’s with someone else.” I sigh and turn around. This time, He doesn’t stop me so I lose myself in the crowd of people, attempting to numb the pain with alcohol.

Tags: @atlas-of-a-human-soul @agirlssfantasy @freewill-is-an-illusion

#grayson #grayson dolan #grayson dolan imagines #imagine grayson dolan #grayson dolan fanfic #grayson dolan series #grayson x reader #grayson dolan x reader #dolan twins #dolan twins imagines #imagine dolan twins #dolan twins fanfic #dolan twins series #ethan dolan #ethan #ethan dolan imagine #ethan dolan imagines #ethan dolan fanfic #ethan dolan series

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verobatto · 6 years ago

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"Let's come back to the day we met..."

Destiel First Encounter Melancholy (14x07 spoiler)

Ok, fellows... My beautiful, beautiful fandom... I'm a little sad today bc something I posted as a crack thing... Now is not so crack...

Let me show you...

So yes, people, sadly... They are not ok with each other...

Sam... The third wheel

This isn't fresh news... But... Lately, I saw Sammy more in the middle than never... Bc if you remember that time when Dean came back from Possession, Cas asked Sammy how he was. Well... Now...

Gif credit @deanwinchestir

Ok... Yeah. Again... Trying to know how is Dean doing through Sammy. This is the kind of stuffs you do when you are mad at someone but still want to know how is he going? Yeah, you ask his brothers or friends.

This is my impression... IDK if this distance or avoidance is bc Dean disappointed him or is bc he knows there's a direct open line between a vessel and the Archangel that possessed him.

If you recall this moment, could be related to what we are seeing now (leaving to a side my other crazy spec about Dean is in a kind of dream) those blurry eyes from Dean could be this direct line, and he could be spying TFW. That could explain why he knew about Sergei, and probably, convince the shaman to give Cas Michael's grace as an experiment.

So..., All of this is not unknown by Cas. So he could be cautious in his interactions with Dean's perhaps? And not just bc he is mad at him...

But... To be mad at him, my first premise, would explain too why he didn't go for the hug... Many people, you can say...? But I do remember this...

In front of Mary...

And this one...

...in front of so many angels...

Then... "Many people" or "unknown people" in the room, never was an impediment to Cas going for the hug... Isn't?

So, Cas... Asking Sam how Dean is doing??? Is not a good sintom.

So close, but so distant

Ok, so here is something we were talking with @mrsaquaman187 last night, bc Dean and Cas looked so close physically in each frame, but else, they were distant.

Bc Cas is focused in Jack and Dean is focused In healing.

In this episode we saw how Dean was working his GUILT with Jack, it was mentioned by Sam, that he felt guilty bc in a first time he wanted to kill Jack bc he thought he was the cause of Cas's death.

And now this kid won the hearts of this three dads, including Dean. So Dean, as the BIG PROTECTOR he is of this family, he decided to fulfill Jack's last desires.

So, and I want to mention here my friend @emblue-sparks pointed something so so beautiful about this dad and son date...

So yes... A barn again... Remembering Cas with melancholy again. Why is Dean like this? Is he feeling he screwed up thing with Cas saying yes to Michael? Is he ashamed? Is he sending Cas being away from him bc he just sees him as a friend? Or bc he hurted him? This GUILT, as I said before, is the heritage from John Winchester and the biggest impediment for Dean to love himself and freely love others. So, GUILT, GUILT and GUILT.

And he just want to come back to those days when everything was different... And he was Cas's mission again...

Not even looking back at him in the eye as he always did... He always received Cas eyes back at him when he searched for it... But now Cas has eyes just for his son. His new mission.

I wish I could...

And then, in the middle of all this sadness... Something in Jack words were like... A light at the end of a tunnel...

And not... Dean didn't do this things with his dad, so... What is that supposed to mean?

And then...

So... Hearing a child that is about to die with so much wisdom, has to be very hard and uncomfortable to Dean... And besides that... Hearing him saying that... "YOU WILL REGREAT NOT DOING THINGS THAT YOUR HEART WISHED TO DO. BC WHAT REALLY MATTERS IN LIFE IS SPEND TIME DOING BEAUTIFUL MOMENTS WITH THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE.," ,

That's the lesson to learn today, Dean. Do what your heart wants to do.

If you already know what you want... Just do it, or you'll regreat it... And you won't have any memories from it to miss.

Let's come back to the day we met...

So... Where is the story line of Destiel going with all of this???

All this melancholy coming from Dean, this distance and avoidance coming from both?

They are in different pages bc words never came right. Bc words are enemies to Dean, bc Cas thinks he doesn't get words wrong.

So... If you came back to 14x06 we had barns on the wall and in this episode, we had a big green barn with blue and red letters... Why so many barns???

Bc 10 years ago... This was what Happened in a barn...

Again... This time traveling that we were spoiled from episode 300 and this so many barns and call backs to this first encounter... Will Dean come back to the first talk he had with Cas???could be this the key to break his wall and learn once for all that...

..do happen, Dean."

And "YOU DESERVE TO BE SAVED, AND LOVED."

(both beautiful gifs from my friend @magnificent-winged-beast , such a talented artist! Thank you!)

So... Maybe Dean needs to come back to the day they met to have that talk again?? Maybe he needs to hear it again... But this time... He has to believe... And change. This Dean from now, will listen differently that the Dean of 10 years ago. He will understand differently too... He will take this words coming from this ancient and wise supernatural being as lessons.

Castiel... Who came to tremble this hunter's world, he gave him 10 years ago the last lesson he needs to learn for truly heal his heart.

IDK if this is a desire, of foreshadow or what... But you were with me when I wrote that season 14 is Foreshadowing the talk between this two, and I truly believe in that. The fact is... Is this first encounter in the barn the talk that Dean needs? We don't know, and we will have to wait +sadly) and see what will happen with this avoidance band distance between them. If this had been settled on purpose or not.... We just need to wait.

Ok... I hope you understand a little of this messy thing... I will write too about Profund Bond as I put in my pre-meta thoughts from 14x07.

Tagging people for the discussion!

@agusvedder @cheerstofandomfamily @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @destielhoneybee @navajolovesdestiel @savannadarkbaby

And everyone else who likes to share their thoughts! Please feel free to do it!

Buenos Aires, December 2nd 2018. 11:40 AM

#destiel meta #destiel anniversary #dean remembers cas melancholically #meta spec season 14 #season 14 forshadowing the talk and the moves #first encounter in the barn #14x07 spoiler #time traveling in season 14 #dean we need to talk

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bezzuba · 6 years ago

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listen…as much as i love the third film for what it did, i have many, many qualms about its decisions regarding toothless’ character. now, it’s super late and i am super tired and not well-articulated atm but i gotta talk about these things lest i forget to do so later on so here we go! spoilers under the cut.

( many of the things i have to say in the following paragraphs affect the way i understand and hence write toothless as a character, but if you like this film a lot and don’t wanna hear anything negative about it, maybe just skip over this post because my language gets fairly critical. )

before i get into this shit i just wanna say that i love the light fury. i love how pointedly unacclimatised she is to humans and i love how her actions and behaviour consistently portray that. i love her but i don’t love how she was placed in the film as, in the words of many, “toothless’ girlfriend” rather than an individual character of her own right. dean or whatever can talk all they want about how she’s supposed to represent “a call to the wild” because lmao i don’t really buy it. it was so deeply buried beneath all the romantic and sexual subtexts that i just couldn’t and can’t see it.

ANYHOW i already wasn’t expecting much when they talked about toothless “getting a girlfriend” but goddang heck i was somehow still let down anyway?? the way they handled EVERYTHING — from toothless’ interest in the light fury to his reactions to some of her actions — was just. so out of place and off.

i can get behind a curious interest in the familiar unknown and even a drive to propagate to ensure his species’ survival, but that obsessive fixation on one (1) light fury??/? /? to the point where he doesn’t react negatively AT ALL when she literally throws his soulmate off his back??? ? ? like….dude…..idk about you but if anyone were to endanger the life of my soulmate whom i treasure and love, sexual / romantic partner or not, i’d be pretty fucking pissed.

AND I FEEL LIKE IT’D BE EVEN WORSE WITH DRAGONS?? they’re territorial animals and if you attack a dragon’s other half ( if toothless really does consider hiccup his soulmate as dreamwo.rks canonically states + we have seen him showcase in the first two films, i can’t imagine why soulmates wouldn’t be a thing in dragon culture ) without provocation, you can bet your dumb arse that they have all the hecking rights to attack you back on their soulmate’s behalf.

i’m not saying that toothless should’ve or would’ve attacked the light fury when she threw HALF OF HIM into the sea ( because hiccup probably wouldn’t have wished for that to happen and toothless would’ve respected those wishes ), but like. the moment she does that? he throws a goddamn FIT. just a lot of screeching and snarling and “THAT IS HALF OF ME!! YOU WOULD KILL HALF OF ME???”. any interest in her as a mate or flock-member or friend or whatever is completely diminished. i’m not brave enough to say that he would resent her but yeah, he would resent her. at least up until she apologises + tries to make amends.

he absolutely does NOT continue to earnestly chase after her. maybe he would if hiccup insisted and encouraged him to ( “she’s another fury! like YOU! go after her!!” ), but like…..he wouldn’t do it because he wants to.

i can’t remember if there were any other times where she directly endangered hiccup’s life because i’m tired and also because toothless reacted so mildly throughout most of the film, but like. same sentiment.

but stingray, you cry, wouldn’t the fact that she’s a light fury matter to toothless? yeah, i say: yeah, sure, but only in circumstances where she hasn’t committed a big, grievous no-no in dragon society. and it definitely isn’t her fault for doing what she thought was right and natural — toothless is most likely the only dragon alive with a viking soulmate — but it doesn’t excuse the fact that she did it.

does toothless hate, mourn, or is otherwise dissatisfied with the fact that he’s the only night fury in his nest? probably, yes; i just wish they could’ve explored that concept + the idea of toothless encountering another dragon like him after years of being the Only One in a way that wasn’t so contradictory + insulting to the relationship they carefully established and developed over the course of ten years.

another thing that was very weird for me to see was how quickly toothless seemed to disregard hiccup’s absence??? like somehow toothless wouldn’t be just as affected by the notion of leaving him as hiccup is? the only explanation i can think of to justify that is like. maybe he doesn’t actually ever think of leaving hiccup behind? it’s literally unthinkable — it never crosses his mind as an option or a choice. he’ll go after this dragon who is so much like him but not; this dragon who is more dragon than he can claim to be; this dragon who reminds him of what once was and what will never again be; but he won’t go WITH her. because she isn’t home. she isn’t half of me.

i admit that this hc falls apart pretty quickly in the face of the film’s goodbye scene though. it was absolutely heartwrenching to see but again, toothless was so…..mild and understanding and accepting and while that isn’t necessarily a bad thing ( it’s very mature of him, in fact ), it was odd af because we don’t once get to see him grieve. we see hiccup grieve and come to terms with it but we don’t see toothless going through the same process, and the picture it all paints is, again, so contradictory + insulting to the bond they share.

so like….fuck that lmao toothless would’ve abso-hecking-lutely protested. would’ve played it off as a joke. would’ve gotten angry, would’ve gotten desperate, would’ve denied the necessity of leaving and physically splitting that bond even though he himself at his very core understands it perfectly. he leaves eventually, as do all the other dragons, but it’s not the rushed departure we see in the film. it takes days. maybe weeks. just. a lot of time is spent clinging to and hesitating and stalling under the guise of helping the humans recover from grimmel’s assault + helping the humans build new berk before the jig is up. before berk’s collective heart can’t take it anymore and the dragons are. gently pushed. “it’s time. you know it. we know it. it’s time…and that’s okay.”

in addition to these questionable character decisions, i really do not like how they claimed toothless was the king of dragons and then not show him actually, y’know, being one?? sure, there’s that scene in the hidden world where all the dragons roar and acknowledge toothless as their alpha / king ( which is a super weird concept in itself considering they’re not actually part of his flock? i’m just. gonna say that they were paying obeisance to him because he’s AN alpha, not necessarily THEIR alpha ) but that doesn’t count because it doesn’t show WHY he’s being acknowledged as so. what has he done to continue deserving this title, to continue deserving this respect? there are undoubtedly many duties and responsibilities that come with being an alpha, but we don’t get to see him fulfil any of them outside of “scold misbehaving flock-member for comedic effect”; and that’s a huge shame because there were so many opportunities where we could’ve seen him in action!!

e.g. i’m sure that dragons who’ve suffered trauma / abuse from the hands of humans do not integrate into the dragon-human nest easily. maybe we could’ve been shown toothless calming one such dragon down, or toothless mediating a fight between a human-averse dragon and a human-bonded one, or literally ANYTHING that involves toothless dealing with a reminder that not all dragon-to-human and human-to-dragon interaction is meaningful or wholesome. it would’ve fit in so well with the whole “humans aren’t ready for dragons” theme, too!!

god this post has gotten super long but you’re in for a big surprise if you think i’m done!

ANOTHER thing that didn’t sit well with me at all was that bit when toothless ordered his ENTIRE??? FLOCK???? ?? to desist and surrender to the warlords ( or whatever they’re called ) when grimmel threatened to kill the light fury. like. would’ve been a great power move if he wasn’t the alpha who’s supposed to be protecting them all but he IS!! he IS the alpha who’s supposed to be protecting them all, he IS the dragon whose first and foremost duty is TO HIS FLOCK-MEMBERS.

god drea.mworks really be out here throwing the terms “alpha” and “king” around like toothless didn’t have to fight for them. like he doesn’t have to CONTINUE fighting for them. he doesn’t have the call of a red death, nor the call of a bewilderbeast. i’m pretty sure that after all the shit his flock has gone through with previous Bad leaders, they won’t tolerate another. toothless really has to DESERVE that title for him to continue keeping it. he has to actually be such a good alpha that nobody questions his judgement, which probably-definitely-absolutely means putting his flock-members before anyone else.

so like. grimmel threatening the light fury would NOT have toothless subjecting his flock to captivity. it would have him pretty conflicted, yeah, but like….there’s no contest. she’s not a part of his flock. and even if she was, she’s one dragon out of many. she’s not the last of her kind either, not like toothless is.

but stingray, you cry, didn’t grimmel say that night furies mate for life? wouldn’t that have had any bearing on toothless’ decision? and maybe you’re right, maybe that would have influenced toothless’ decision in the end, but i really, really don’t think it would’ve mattered. first off, we can’t tell if grimmel actually witnessed that interesting tidbit occur in real life or if he forced it to become true when he, y’know, decimated the night fury population. secondly, the movie very likely means ‘love’ when it says ‘mate’ because i imagine that, what with the existence of soulmates + the typical non-human outlook on procreation, mating is actually a very clinical, matter-of-fact process for dragons. so maybe grimmel meant to say that night furies love for life, which is all very good for the light fury if she is toothless’ One And Only but the thing is?? she’s not?? that’s hiccup, babes!! definitely not in the romantic sense, but hiccup is toothless’ One And Only through and through.

SO BASICALLY i don’t think toothless would have prioritised the wellbeing of one potential mate over those of his entire flock’s, just like how he doesn’t prioritise his other half’s or his own happiness over the safety of his entire flock in the ending. for real, if toothless wasn’t the nest’s alpha, he 100% would have stayed back on new berk with hiccup. but he is, so he leaves even though it kills him to do so.

there’s probably a lot of other things i’ve forgotten to address, but this post is long enough and i am super duper tired so…tl;dr:

the light fury’s great i love her

toothless doesn’t really

he honestly doesn’t want anything to do with her after her punting stunt with hiccup

would only chase after her if hiccup ( and others, but mostly hiccup ) told him to

toothless never actually has any intention of leaving hiccup

until the whole grimmel incident passes and even then, he really super does not want to

toothless is an alpha and he hecking acts like it which means no light fury > his entire flock

that one’s gonna be a bit hard to work around plot-wise but we’ll figure it out somehow

my portrayal of toothless is canon-divergent as heck yeehaw

#* dragonscale / study.#* humanspeak / ooc.#i gotta warn you folks: there is a veritable essay beneath that read-more #a very rant-y essay but an essay nonetheless #like...don't get me wrong i really do love this movie!! i just. hate some of its execution #hmm idk if anyone will actually read this because long but yeah....here's what i'm gonna be changing about the narrative regarding toothless #httyd3 spoilers #long post

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archive-sugamoom · 6 years ago

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Unit 0 | 1

Pairing: Detective!Jaebum x Detective!Reader

Summary: You and Jinyoung are working on a new case but Jinyoung finds something out that he might need to keep to himself.

Words: 2504

Genre: Drama | Mystery | Crime | Detective!AU | More to come.

Warnings: I mean there’s murder, Bambam saying ‘’oof’’ sorry bout that. Mark gives Jaebum and Youngjae a trauma. idk--

A/N: It has been reposted yet again. I’ll keep it short so enjoy if you havent read it yet.. If you did then I’m sorry lol.

Requests | Masterlist

Character Introduction | Prologue | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

~~~~~~~~~

Date: 13th of July.

‘’Hello I’m detective Park, this is my partner detective (L/n). Have you identified the body yet?’’ Jinyoung said as he looked at the victim lying on the ground. The forensic researcher shook his head and looked through the notes that he had made prior to your arrival. ‘’Not yet, the victim didn’t have any sort of identification on him. Estimated time of death… 7:15. Cause of death is most likely to be blood loss than the wound itself, as we only found one.’’

‘’Thank you, has there been anything on the victim that could help us with the investigation?’’ Jinyoung said writing down the things that the researcher told you. ‘’He had this expensive looking watch on him. Looks like a special one. It has been put as evidence for you.’’ The researcher said as he pointed to one of his colleagues. ‘’Thank you again, we’ll see you once the report is done.’’ You said. Saying your goodbyes you left the researcher together with Jinyoung to get the watch.

‘’Oh detective Park I didn’t know you and detective (L/n) were going to be in charge of this case, how exciting!’’ one of the younger researchers exclaimed as she saw the two of you head her way. Jinyoung chuckled. ‘’Hello to you too, your supervisor said you had something for us?’’ ‘’Well you see.. it’s exactly as you said detective.. Had. I didn’t lose it I promise!’’ She said quickly hiding her face behind her arms. ‘’Calm down please, we wont hurt you. Where did you put it?’’ You said placing your hand gently on her shoulder to calm her down. ‘’I was told to bring it to the van, it’s being send to your evidence room.’’ The young researcher said as she slowly lowered her arms away from her face.

You smiled at her. ‘’I see, thank you for telling us. Keep up the hard work okay?’’ She nodded and smiled back. ‘’You too detective (L/n)!’’ She said as she left to continue with her work. Jinyoung looked at you. ‘’Well done, now then let’s ask around a bit more and head back to get that watch?’’ ‘’Good idea. We should ask Bambam about the watch once we get back though. I’m sure he would know a bit more about those type of accessories.’’ You said and the two of you left your spot to look for eye witnesses.

Nothing much happened after the encounter with the young researcher, the police officers around told you that no one had heard or seen something early in the morning. After hearing that Jinyoung and you decided to head back to the office and start with what you had, the watch. And here the two of you were, back at the office and waiting for Bambam to finally say something after looking at the damn thing for 10 minutes.

‘’It’s so beautiful.’’ He said and he sighed. Hearing that made everyone in the room groan. ‘’Come on Bambam did it really have to take 10 minutes for you to say that?’’ Yugyeom said with a groan. ‘’Yeah Bambam it would be nice if you said something that could be useful for once.’’ You said lifting your head from your desk to look at him.

‘’Oof you don’t have to look like that (Y/n). But do not worry for I have news.’’ Bambam said his last sentence in a dramatic way which made you and everyone roll their eyes. ‘’Just hurry up.’’ Jinyoung said. ‘’Alright, alright. Anyways this watch is quite the special thing. There’s a faint signature on the back of it. And if I remember correctly the maker of this watch doesn’t make the same watch twice so.. this one should be the only one.’’ Bambam said as he placed the watch down. ‘’I believe that the maker sells them himself and is still alive.’’ With that he sat down.

‘’Do you remember the name of the maker, and maybe his store as well.’’ Jinyoung asks as he double checked the information that he wrote. ‘’I don’t remember the name of the maker, but I think the name of the store is ‘Watch Out’?’’ Bambam said.

‘’Thank you Bambam’’ Jinyoung said and closed his mini notebook. ‘’(Y/n) you have an appointment at the venue for your wedding in about 15 minutes right?’’ He asked as he looked at you. You nodded and stood up to get your bag. ‘’Yeah I’m sorry to leave you alone with this.’’ At that Jinyoung smiled and shook his head. ‘’It’s fine, all I’m doing is walking around, Tell me how it went alright?’’ ‘’Of course you’re my best friend Jinyoung you will be the first person to know.’’ You said with a smile.

‘’Hey what about us?? I thought we were best friends!’’ Yugyeom whined and looked at you with a pout. You rolled your eyes. ‘’Oops sorry~ I guess I’ll have to treat you with a hot chocolate milk next time to ease the pain in your lonely heart.’’ ‘’Hmm that sounds like a plan (Y/n)! Good luck.’’ Yugyeom said with a grin. You nodded and with that you left with Jinyoung following you shortly behind.

Meanwhile Jaebum and Youngjae were on a stakeout to catch a new drug lord unknown in the criminal world. They have been doing research for a few weeks and finally got enough evidence to get him, now it was only a time of waiting. ‘’Hyung I got your coffee, sorry if it took so long but they messed up the order..’’ Youngjae said to Jaebum as he sat down on his spot and handing Jaebum the coffee.

Jaebum muttered a soft ‘thanks’ as he took it from Youngjae and took a small sip. Jaebum sighed as he now felt much more awake. ‘’Thank god I needed that.’’ He said as he took another sip. Youngjae looked at him and chuckled as he agreed with him. ‘’Indeed, I feel like we have been here for days.’’ Youngjae said taking a sip of his own coffee. ‘’Let’s just hope the guy comes out quickly so we can get him.

‘’Agreed, I usually like stake outs but this one? It’s shit.’’ Jaebum said as he stretches his body a bit. ‘’Let’s do something fun once we finish this case yeah?’’ Youngjae said looking outside to see if anything is happening. Jaebum nodded. ‘’Sure but what?’’ ‘’We can ask if the others want to hang out? Eat a bit, drink a bit you know the usual.’’ Youngjae suggested. ‘’Fine I guess we can do that. But I don’t think that we have to wait long for our case to end. Look there is movement.’’ Jaebum said as he pointed at a door being opened.

‘’Well then let’s go!’’ Youngjae said in a hurry and getting all the gear. But before they left he held the walkie talkie in his hand and said. ‘’They are on the move, get in your positions. I repeat. They are on the move, get in your positions.’’ He heard a ‘’Yes sir.’’ Before muting the device.

The arrestation happened fast, faster than Jaebum expected. But he was glad that it went that way, one wrong move and all that hard work of research would have been for nothing. Not only that it would also mean that there would be extra paperwork and he absolutely hates extra paperwork.

Once everything is over Jaebum and Youngjae head back to the station happy but tired. ‘’Hyung I’m so tired..’’ Youngjae said as they walked through the hallway to the Unit. ‘’You don’t have to tell me, I feel the exact same way. Too bad we still got to finish writing the file..’’ Jaebum said with a yawn. ‘’The two of you can take a nap you know?��’ Jaebum and Youngjae both jumped at the sudden voice. Turning around they found out it was Mark. Sighing in relief they bow politely to him. ‘’Oh hi Mark-Hyung it’s just you..’’ Youngjae said. At that Mark just smiled. ‘’Sorry if I scared the two of you. It really was not my intention to.’’

‘’No it’s alright… But you said something about being able to take a nap?’’ Jaebum asked as he looked at Mark. ‘’Yes. I’m surprised that no one has told you about it yet. But follow me.’’ Mark said as he started to walk.

Jaebum and Youngjae dropped their jaw in disbelieve when Mark opened one of the doors in their office. ‘’Wow, thank you for showing us Mark..’’ Jaebum said as he went inside the small room that has been changed into a nap room. ‘’This space is normally used for the captain in the department. But JYP thought it would be a good idea to use the room like this. I hope the two of you will rest well. Bye.’’ And with that Mark closed the door behind him and went to his desk.

Right on that moment the phone rang. ‘’SPD Unit 0 with Mark, how can I help you?’’ Mark said as he picked up. ‘’Hmm I see, thank you. Detective Park and Detective (Y/n) are currently not here but I’ll call them. Thank you, and good luck getting here. Bye.’’ With that he hang up and dialled Jinyoung his phone number right away.

‘’Sorry that I’m late.’’ Jinyoung said walking into the office quickly. He bowed once noticing someone sitting on a chair. ‘’You must be Mr. Oh right? I apologise once again for my tardiness. My name is Detective Park, please follow me so I can take your statement alright?’’ Jinyoung said politely to the older man. Mr. Oh nodded and stood up with a small smile on his face. ‘’Thank you detective please lead the way..’’

‘’Can you describe what happened? From the beginning, for example.. Why were you there so early?’’ Jinyoung asked Mr. Oh as he took out his notebook. Mr. Oh grunted trying to recall the things that he had witnessed early in the morning. ‘’Well.. I walk there every morning with my dog.’’ Jinyoung nodded and wrote it down. ‘’Could you describe the scene? Did you see everything happen?’’

‘’Hmmm.. I did see some movement, which I found rare as its such a quiet area.. So I went to see what was going on.. All I could see was a young man running away… He looked quite shocked at what he did.. He ran away before I could say anything.’’ Mr. Oh said as he took a sip of his water.

‘’Were you the one that called the police?’’ Jinyoung asked after he finished writing everything down. Mr. Oh shook his head. ‘’I did not.. I did not have a telephone on me and I went home to do so… But I ended up forgetting it completely… Sorry for that detective.’’ Mr. Oh said as he chuckled to himself. Jinyoung smiled and shook his head.

‘’It’s alright Mr. Oh I’m glad you remembered it again and called us. There’s for now one more thing that I want to ask you.. You said you saw a young man running away correct?’’ Jinyoung asked Mr. Oh for confirmation to which said man nodded.

‘’Is it possible for you to describe him? If you do then I will call in a Criminal Sketch Artist to help us find hopefully a suspect.’’ Jinyoung said looking at Mr. Oh. ‘’Oh it was quite dark, I wouldn’t know what his face looks like.. All I can remember is that he looked young and tall… Oh he did have dark hair..’’ ‘’I see thank you again Mr. Oh for your time. We will contact you once we have more questions alright?’’ Jinyoung asked. Mr. Oh just smiled. ‘’Of course detective. I hope this all will end quickly.’’ Jinyoung smiled. ‘’That’s what we all hope Mr. Oh.’’ And with that Jinyoung lead the way out and quickly started on the report.

You returned to your work with a bright smile on your face. Not only did you have your dream venue for your wedding but the autopsy report on your victim also had been finished and given to you. Walking straight to Jinyoung you placed the report on his desk. ‘’Look what I got partner.’’ You said with a grin. Jinyoung looked at the report and then at you. ‘’Hopefully some good news.’’ He said.

Your grin got bigger and nodded. ‘’Yes sir. Got the venue and the report!’’ Jinyoung and smiled at you and got up to hug you tightly. ‘’Congrats! I’m happy for you, well both of you.’’ He said as he pulled away from you. ‘’Now let’s work on this case we got some more information.

Sitting down on the chair next to him you grabbed the report. ‘’Did you get any information about the watch?’’ You asked as you looked at him. Jinyoung shook his head as he sat down. ‘’Not yet, I asked around if they knew anything but nothing. Luckily Mark called and said that there was someone who could help us. So at least we got our witness.’’

You nodded. ‘’That’s at least something. Should we look into the report first?’’ You asked knowing he would agree anyways. ‘’Let’s see.. victims name is.. Lee Hojin.. Wait that name sounds familiar.. Anyways, age 38 and height is 1,75 centimetres. Cause of death is indeed blood loss as the researcher thought. The murder weapon is confirmed to be a kitchen knife. No further injuries… Aha! I knew it! Jinyoung check this name in the criminal records.’’

‘’Ah he has quite the few restraining orders.’’ Jinyoung said once he finished looking him up. You hummed in agreement. ‘’He even has been in jail for a few months. But that was years ago.’’ ‘’Perhaps he picked up his stalking tendencies?’’ Jinyoung asked out loud to no one particular. ‘’It’s possible. Oh there is something else in the report. The wound isn’t that neat so they said that it probably is an accidental murder. I think they are right though, someone who has killed someone before wouldn’t stab like this. Here a photo.’’ You said and took out a photo of the stab wound.

Jinyoung sighed as he looked at the photo. ‘’It could be anyone at this point.’’ He said as he leaned back against his chair. You nodded as you took the photo back. ‘’Yeah our only hope is finding someone that fits the description that Mr. Oh told you.’’ Jinyoung looked at you with wide eyes as you said that. ‘’Get a sketch artist, we can always try, even if it’s the silhouette.’’ You nodded and got up. ‘’Meanwhile you look into the criminal records of this man, you might find something useful.’’ You said and left.

Jinyoung sighed again as he was looking through the criminal records. There was practically nothing in it that could be useful for their case. That is until he found a list of names. And one of them looked all too familiar.

Soo Changwoo.

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hcwlingccmmandcs · 6 years ago

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Drunk Girl

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female Reader

Word Count: 1,726 (oof it’s a long one)

Warnings: Drunk women, bar scene, nothing else really

A/N: It’s not really a relationship fic, and doesn’t have any fluff or anything, but it’s Bucky being a gentleman and I thought it was cute. Also, this fic is inspired by Chris Janson’s “Drunk Girl”.

Tags: (IDK man I’m just tagging a couple of my favorite people. If any of you are not comfortable reading this material, please don’t feel obligated to. Also, if you never wanna be tagged by me again, let me know. No hard feelings.) @captainrogerss @bionic-buckyb @bucky-plums-barnes @buckyforbreakfast

The small dive bar nestled into the red brick buildings of New York was flooded with music and people of all levels of sobriety. Some people were… more inebriated than others, like the bachelorette party that rented out a whole two booths to fit all the scantily clad women in the group. There was another group of girls giggling along the bar counter, close to the small makeshift stage that was usually reserved for karaoke and open mic nights.

On the other side of the sobriety spectrum, and also on the other end of the bar, was Bucky. Thanks to his enhanced cells, he couldn’t get drunk. Much to his dismay, since encounters with a certain (and occasionally ant-sized) coworker would be better if he was drunk enough to forget about the man altogether. Whatever serum ran through his veins was a different one than whatever Steve had, but the inability to get drunk was certainly a common side effect.

The girls giggling at the other end of the bar had been eyeing him all night, their drunken conversations with each other somehow involving Bucky. They, too, all varied stages of sobriety. Some of them enthusiastically nodded while a few others shook their heads warily. One of the drunker women picked up her handbag and strutted towards Bucky, her steps swaying.

“Hi,” she says as she nearly plops into the barstool next to him, smiling like a fool. Bucky found it contagious and smiled back.

“Hey,” he returns, his eyes quickly glancing over her before returning to her eyes. Her black dress was a few inches above knee-length, and the neckline collared around her neck. From what he could tell in the brief glance, it complimented her form. She looked beautiful, when she just sat there, staring up at him expectantly.

“I’m Y/N,” she blurts, almost as if she'd grown impatient waiting for him to announce his name first.

“Bucky. It's nice to meet you, doll,” he says, letting her shake his right hand curtly.

“You too,” she beamed, her eyes cloudy. “So, are you gonna buy me a drink?”

Bucky snorts at her bluntness, making her giggle. “What kind of drink would you like?” he asks, lazily waving his hand through the air to get the bartender’s attention.

“A daiquiri. Strawberry watermelon,” she answers before giggling again. “I'm kidding. I want tequila!” She lifts her arms up and cheers for the alcohol.

Once the bartender comes over, Bucky asks how many drinks she's had. The bartender shrugs slightly and says that Y/N is close to be cut off. Bucky orders and pays for her last drink, a blended margarita.

“I said tequila,” Y/N pouts, poking his chest.

“Margaritas are tequila,” Bucky reasons, chuckling a little. “I figured you should have a little bit more substance than a shot, especially if I’m buying.”

“Fine… I forgive you… if only because you're cute with your whole mysterious look,” she murmurs, slightly leaning her shoulder towards him. She rests her other elbow on the bar and props her head on it, waiting for her drink.

“My whole mysterious look? I wasn't aware I had that sort of thing going on,” he laughs a little, watching her.

“Well, you do. With your long hair all tied back, your dark clothes, the glove you haven't taken off your left hand yet.” Bucky stiffens slightly at the mention of his left hand, but she doesn't notice it. “You totally have this mysterious guy look down.”

“Is that what brought you over here?” he asks, tilting his head slightly.

“Sorta. My friends dared me to come over here to try to get your number. And I took the challenge,” she admits, placing her cheek in her hand to look at him. “Also, yeah you're cute.”

“Well, thank you,” he says just as the bartender sets a margarita in front of Y/N.

“So,” she starts, turning fully to him and sipping on the frozen drink. “Who are you, really? You're alone at a bar, looking gothic and sad, and you have yet to order another drink for yourself.” She points to the empty Scotch glass in front of him, proving her own point. “Why are you here?”

“Getting real philosophical in the bar, aren't we?” he chuckles and she pushes him slightly while giggling. “If you mean ‘here’ as in the bar, I'm trying to forget about some stuff,” he answers, not totally lying but also not completely telling the truth either.

“Me too,” she admits sluggishly, pulling his hand up with one of hers, just to high-five it with the other. He chuckles again. “Exes, I'm telling you. The reason to get this drunk.”

“Really? I thought a pretty woman like you would be hard to give up,” he tells her, not really processing his own thoughts.

“Oh, he tried not to, but also got another woman because I want enough, I guess,” she says mindlessly, sipping her drink. “You think I'm pretty?”

Bucky nods slightly. “I do, but I also think you might be obscenely drunk and won’t remember most of this encounter, if not all.”

“I probably won't, but I can try, Blue Eyes,” she giggles.

The rest of the night, it’s Y/N talking on and on about whatever her mind comes up with and Bucky listening intently. She nurses her margarita, knowing full well it’s her last for the night.

She doesn't see the little smile on his lips when her face lights up at a topic she’s passionate about, or the way his eyes seem to lock only on hers, as if he was forgetting the world around them.

That little smile fades when the bartender announces that it's closing time. Y/N pouts a little as Bucky stands up and offers her help out of her barstool. She takes his hand and lets him pull her up, then she tugs his arm over her shoulder when she feels unbalanced in her heels. He chuckles softly and leads her out of the bar, keeping her from toppling over.

“So… where to next?” she giggles, looking up at him with a sort of gleam in her eye. Bucky smiles softly.

“You're too drunk to drive yourself home, so... “ he says, looking down at her and thinking of what to do. “Let's get you home, yeah? Where's your car?”

She points to it, one of the last cars in the parking lot. “Why my car?” she asks.

“Because drunk women and motorcycles don't work out,” he reasons with her, watching as she nods.

“Yep, you're totally dark and mysterious.” Bucky snorts and helps her into the passenger seat and buckles her in. He gets into the driver’s and starts up the car before heading out of the parking lot.

She lazily points him towards her place, yawning as she reclines her seat.

“Here, tell me your address so you can sleep,” he says, glancing at her before quickly looking back at the road. Her dress was starting to ride higher on her thigh, but Bucky made a point not to stare at her legs, keeping his eyes forward.

“The… Mercer apartments… unit 8B,” she slurs before yawning again and turning into her side, facing him as she fell asleep in her seat.

Bucky smiled a little bit at her little snores as he drove to the apartment building he’s passed a couple times on his trips around the town, knowing where it was. He drove around the parking lot, searching for the best way to get to her apartment before finally parking and shutting the car off. Quietly, he made his way around the car to her side, careful not to wake her up as he closed and opened doors.

Gently scooping her into his arms, he keeps her clutch resting on her stomach as he carries her inside the building and up the stairs. He uses the hand looped under her knees to unlock and open her door before making his way through her small and cozy apartment.

The kitchen and dining room bled into the living area, though the dining table looked like it wasn't used for much except stacking mail. It was almost completely dark, except for the city lights seeping in through the big windows near the couch and television set.

The door to her bedroom was left open, luckily, and Bucky placed her on her queen-sized bed. He took off her shoes and set them on the floor before setting her clutch on her nightstand.

Bucky tucked a blanket over her sleeping form, his gaze soft as he looks at her. She was a beautiful woman, but he's glad that he was the one to make sure she got home safely. The night could've gone a lot worse for her if she had met a different guy, one that wasn't such a gentleman. He sighed softly and wrote her a note from the sticky note pad on her dresser.

‘Y/N,

I had a great time with you tonight. At the end of it, you were very drunk, and I worried about how you would get home. I hope you don't mind that I drove you home and made sure you slept in your own bed. When you wake up, text me to let me know you're okay, alright?

Bucky - (xxx) xxx-xxxx’

Leaving the note next to her handbag, he walked out of her apartment, locked the door, and dropped her keys through the metal mail slot in the door. He sighed again, smiling a little to himself as he pulled out his phone and called his best friend Steve to pick him up.

“What are you doing out so late? And why are you at an apartment?” Steve questions him, footsteps in the background.

“I had to make sure this dame got home alright. Just get here,” Bucky explains briefly before hanging up on his friend. Soon enough, Steve pulls up to the parking lot and takes Bucky back to the tower, leaving his bike at the bar for the night. Within minutes of being in his own bed, the brunet passes out.

The next morning, Bucky woke up to a text from an unknown number.

‘Thank you, Bucky. For everything you did last night. It was really sweet of you. Also, I'm okay, just nursing a killer headache.’

He couldn’t keep the answering smile off his face for the rest of the day.

#bucky imagine #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #bucky barnes fic #bucky barnes fanfiction #marvel fanfiction #marvel imagine #b writes

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detoxdolan · 7 years ago

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Another Late Tag

🎀Rules: Answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people some of your faves.

I am aware that this is hella long and hella late, but I appreciate being tagged in these things and I love learning about all you lovely people in the fandom.

ALRIGHT LETS GET ITTTTT.

Last: 1. Drink - H2O bro 2. Phone call - I got a phone call from an unknown number while I was at work, so I called back and a random lady with a British accent answered and said she never called me??? 🤔 3. Text message - I’m currently absent from a game, so one of my teammates is filling me in on all the tea I’m missing. Apparently there’s beef between teams. 👀 4. Song you listened to - Praise You by Fatboy Slim (it was in a playlist, let me live.) 😂 5. Time you cried - uhhh Monday (today is Wednesday). So basically two days ago. 😅

Ever: 6. Dated someone twice? - Yes haha 7. Kissed someone and regretted it - Definitely. 8. Been cheated on - stealing this quote from @spiffydolan 👉 “technically yes, but really no” 9. Lost someone special - Yes 😳 10. Been depressed - ..Yes. 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up - haha never 😁😁

3 Favorite colours: 12. Neutrals - Black, white, and beige 13. Blue!!! 14. Trendy Colours - so your basic olive green, millennial pink, maroon etc etc

In the last year (2017) have you: 15. Made new friends - I made this account in December and made so many friends on here that I’m so grateful for every day 😭AND THAT’S JUST ON TUMBLR. I feel like I branched out a lot this year and met so many cool ppl. 2017 was a good year. 16. Fallen out of love - Yes..and tbh it’s one of the worst feelings ever. 17. Laughed until you cried - not something I do often, but I think so. 18. Found out someone was talking about you - haha all the time #TalkShitGetHit 19. Met someone who changed you - Yes. 20. Found out who your friends are - “When people show you their true colours, believe them.” 👉 I feel like we all know the truth about who people are and its just a matter of whether we want to admit it to ourselves or not. There are a lot of people in my life that I know shouldn’t be here but I don’t have the heart to let go of just yet..it’s a work in progress. 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook friends list - uhhhhh probably LOL

General: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know irl - tbh, I tried to do a facebook cleanse and remove anyone I didn’t associate with in real life but that lasted for like 2 seconds LMAO 23. Do you have any pets - I have a weenie dog 😊 24. Do you want to change your name - I don’t quite like my name, but I don’t think anything else would match me??? 25. What did you do for your last birthday - I went to a club with my 2 best friends and we ran into some friends and celebrated all together. Then I had a intimate little dinner with all my closest friends and family. OH I also cut all my hair off - so I guess there’s that 😂😂 Best birthday I’ve had so far. 26. What time did you wake up today - 7:45 am, even though my alarm was set for 8:45 🙄 27. What were you doing at midnight last night - Sleeping, most likely. Or finishing up a FaceTime sesh with @silly-silly-fangirl 28. What is something you can’t wait for - Everything and anything involving @silly-silly-fangirl #Toronto2k18 30. What are you listening to right now - Teen Rocket by Tigers Jaw (against my better judgement, this is for a music challenge) 31. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom - I..don’t think so? 32. Something that’s getting on your nerves - Haha a lot of things. Uhh lets see: My boss, my friends, negative ppl EVERYWHERE 33. Most visited website - Probably Tumblr or YouTube 34. Hair color - Chestnut Brown. I know this because when I used to colour pictures as a kid with pencil crayon, I would use the Chestnut Brown pencil crayon for my hair. 😂😂 35. Long or short hair - In the aforementioned birthday question, I cut all my hair off, but its growing back. 36. Do you have a crush on someone - Lol I have like..a crush for every occasion. I have a work crush, a school crush, a basketball crush..literally a crush for every place I go. 37. What do you like about yourself - Turning Pain into Power, Positivity, and Patience. 4 P’s 🙏

38. Want any piercings? - I was thinking about getting my seconds because literally everyone has so many badass piercings and I dont (my parents would kill me). 39. Blood type - B positive! I got tested at a lil set up at my school for blood donation. DONATE BLOOD YALL!!!! Seriously, you could save like 3 lives from that ish. 40. Nicknames - Ni, Nina, Nitts/Mama Nitts (why), Nids, NiNi, T, Nitty, Littya etc etc 41. Relationship status - Single and satisfied ✌️ 42. Zodiac - Leo ♌ 43. Pronouns - she/her 44. Favorite TV shows - Jane the Virgin, How To Get Away With Murder, Riverdale (these are just recents) 45. Tattoos - Honey....would u put a bumper sticker on a bentley 46. Right or left handed - righty is tighty ✌️ ✌️ 47. Ever had surgery - I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed, but I wasn’t put to sleep. I had local anesthetic and I was awake for the whole thing, IT WAS FUCKING BRUTAL I cried the whole time the dental assistant had to wipe my tears throughout the procedure lmao 48. Piercings - I have a tongue ring 😜🤘 49. Sport - Cheerleading 🎀 50. Vacation - Tryna reach NOLA for Mardi Gras next year you already knowwww @spiffydolan 🎉🎉 51. Trainers - wut

More general: 52. Eating - either way too much or not enough and no in between 53. Drinking - Water. Always water. I got some free coconut water at work though, so I mean that was pretty cool. 54. I’m about to watch - Riverdale? idk I got a lot of shows to catch up on. 55. Waiting for - My new apartment to be ready! 🤗 56. Want - mostly just a bunch of household things for my new place. But also, want @silly-silly-fangirl to come visit me in Toronto :( 57. Get married - Yeah, maybe. I gotta find someone to like me first 😅 58. Career - I’ve lowkey always wanted to be a teacher and my entire life has basically been me avoiding becoming a teacher soooo yeah lmao. Right now I’m on the track to Midwifery but I’m? chaning my mind?? idk.

Which is better: 59. Hugs or kisses - I wanna say hugs cause I feel like you can’t kiss everyone. But the people you can kiss...damn. 60. Lips or eyes - eyes 61. Shorter or taller - I’m not one of those cute, dainty, short girls. I’m 5′6, so taller would be appreciated 😅 62. Older or younger - older 63. Nice arms or stomach - I have neither so 💁 64. Hookup or relationship - Relationship? idk I’m kinda living the single life rn and I’m just chilling so I wouldn’t mind a casual thing here or there BUT WHO HAS THE TIME 65. Troublemaker or hesitant - I’m the best mix of both 😏

Have you ever: 66. Kissed a stranger - Yes 🙈 67. Drank hard liquor - Yes 68. Lost glasses - Probably 69. Turned someone down - Yes 😪 70. Sex on first date - Not...yet? 71. Broken someones heart - Yes 72. Had your heart broken - Yes 😞 73. Been arrested - Nope 😇 74. Cried when someone died - Yes 💔 75. Fallen for a friend - Not a close friend, but yeah.

Do you believe in: 76. Yourself - I do 😌 77. Miracles - Absolutely 78. Love at first sight - Maybe not? Probably more like a significant encounter typa vibe

79. Santa Claus - haha no 80. Kiss on a first date - To be proper, no. Butttt there are def exceptions. 81. Angels - YES

Other: 82. Best friend’s name - In the great words of Mindy Kaling “Best friend is a tier, not a person.” Butttt @silly-silly-fangirl (If u couldn’t already tell) is one of my favorite people on this planet atm. 83. ‎Eye color - Brown? I wanna say hazel, but the twins literally INVENTED hazel w their eye colour and I cannot compete. 84. Favorite movie - Hardest question ever...I always say Zorro 85. ‎Favorite actor - Leonardo DiCaprio? Viola Davis? Robert DeNiro??

Thank you so so much to @spiffydolan for the tag. U da best. 💜💜

Gonna tag some of my favorite blogs at the moment. If you’ve already been tagged/want to sit out of this tag, consider this a shoutout! Thanks for being awesome 😊 @ethandolanakae-tee-wee-tee @laneswervingdolan @pandasaremyspritanimal @broncodolan @silly-silly-fangirl @coconutethan @dolanwaffles

#Im sorry im always late #i love yall #i wonder who actually read my answers #if u made it this far u a real one #drop some purple hearts in my ask box if u made it to the bottom

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unproduciblesmackdown · 7 years ago

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there was an ask list but instead of reblogging it im just doing the thing where i answer it all and put it here under a readmore

what mythical creature do you wish actually existed? idk i like griffins but i feel like thats boring b/c they dont like have any Powers...

soundcloud or vinyls? i dont rly use either lol

what book does everyone right now need to read? whatever they want i have no huge recs. i like the ashbury high / brookfield series & thats kinda unknown but thats it

do you like wearing other people’s shirts/jackets? its not much of a thrill...i guess im neutral but it has to fit me for starters

what was the best thing that happened to you this month? i donno. watched some stuff, had ppl compliment me

what’s a promise you’ve recently made to yourself? i periodically tell myself to care less about various shit

would you rather be the sky, the ocean or the forests? i guess the sky....clouds are nice. the ocean is full of heinous shit and the abyss. the forest can be kinda iffy too and also cut down

would you kiss the last person you kissed again? i havent kissed anybody romantically* so its not really an issue for me

do you plan your outfits? rarely

how do you feel right now? eh theres the usual undercurrents of misery and frustration but that’s just bg noise most of the time. im alright i suppose

what’s the last dream you remember having? well i was having trouble driving, which is a frequent dream, because it was a bus, which is an unusual detail. i think we were trying to take a roadtrip to a beach in another country, which is a thing that happens in my dreams lately. but then i suddenly found out i was in a play that was in like rehearsal/performance stages already, which is also common. my role was to act like i was real gay for some other guy character. i was like lol no prob

what are you craving right now? im usually a bit hungry i guess

turn ons/offs? i like people who can go along with a joke i suppose and who seem interested in other people and what they have to say. too many things repel me from other ppl to list

when was the last time you cried? why? i’ll cry super easily if im just imagining some sad concept

did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologize? there’s some contenders there smh...but no

do you bite or lick your ice cream? lick....

favorite movie ever? i dont have one

do you like yourself? yeah im alright enough

have you ever met or seen in person a celebrity? not like an a-lister no

how many countries have you visited? just the one ive always been in

have you ever been in a castle? no

what’s the craziest/bravest thing you’ve done? i dont think anything too special. got in front of a car w someone but it was moving slow. proceeded w my stage entrance anyways even when a curtain cue got effed up & led the Improvisation of working around it, but that was dance so nobody had any lines to change

what’s on your mind right now? hoping it tstorms really dramatically later

what’s your zodiac sign? gay

name 5 facts about yourself. my eyes are blue, my pupils dont dilate evenly coz one is a bit less dilatable, im horribly nearsighted, i can cross one eye, i have sort of a unibrow

do you believe in karma? i dont believe in not karma

ever been in love? not romantically*

whom do you admire and why? a lot of activists, im interested in activism and volunteering but have rarely been able to actually be involved in things

what was your favorite bedtime story as a child? man i dont remember having bedtime stories, i dont think i did that much after learning to read myself. i read “pat the bunny” a lot for my little brother, that one was his fave

did you make someone laugh today? i dont think so

do you believe in ghosts? ive always liked hearing about ghost shit, i am not inclined to think that everyone who says theyve had Ghost Encounters is lying, i know ppl personally who have stories who i dont think are lying and it would be presumptuous to say like “well but they probably didnt REALLY x y or z,” and yet still i am always skeptical abt the whole thing. i am agnostic abt everything ever re afterlife stuff, but again—if we’re in a horror movie haunted house situation and shits going down, im going to assume ghosts and everything ive heard about them is true and act accordingly until we’re out of there, Greg The Adamant Disbeliever can have fun dying. and catch me not messing around w ouija boards or any of that shit either...im good.

if you could go back in time which time period would you visit? visit....damn i dunno.

would you want to live forever? why/why not? i mean if other ppl are doing it to then it might be fine. but like me specifically as things are now living forever, im not much interested. someone else can have my immortality

what makes you sad? shit like, life man

was today typical? why/why not? yeah i didnt do anything interesting

who do you trust the most? i dont particularly distrust anyone but i dont really have anything i’d need to trust anyone over

what did you have for breakfast today? i didnt

do you have any regrets looking back in your life? not really

what’s your favorite fictional universe? i dont have one

favorite tv show? i dont have one

share a favorite quote. i have some but i’ll never be able to think of one on the spot

what does your ideal day look like? ahh idk. doing something fun while being around other people

do you have any hobbies? i guess drawing / writing count. theres other things but i dont do them regularly / recently

share a small random book passage that means something to you. dont have one

what’s something you always wanted to do but were too scared? theres not really anything like that

do you usually date people your age or older/younger? neither

who means the world to you? why? any cat ive ever met b/c theyre angels

best books you’ve ever read? i guess i can plug the ashbury/brookfield books again

who is your favorite cartoon character? i gotta say lars dont i

coffee or tea? tea

would you rather be extremely rich or extremely loved? loved but like by multiple ppl right? gimme that magnitude in Widely rather than Intensely

are you a dog or a cat person? i feel like only dog ppl consider this to be a real Binary

what is your biggest addiction? biting my lip endlessly lol

do you ever think about the galaxy? sure

what’s your favorite color? blue

do you have a good relationship with your parents and siblings? why/why not? nah...my sibs and i are like friendly acquaintances i guess. thatll be an abusive household i guess

are you a morning or a night person? night

have you ever dealt with a mental illness? I Guess

how would your friends describe you? uhhhh people say im funny sometimes

do you consider yourself and extrovert or an introvert? bit of both

what’s something you love watching/reading but you are too embarrassed to admit you do? i dont think i have any secrets there

describe yourself in 3 words. extremes, thoughtful, Gay

best memory as a child? idk i always liked swimming and going to pools / waterparks

what is your eye and hair color? blue / brown, respectively.

do you like crystals? theyre cool

if you could change one thing in the world, what would it be? imperialism banned

what’s your hogwarts house? idk slytherin hufflepuff or smthing

biggest pet peeve? theres many..

would you rather go to a cocktail party with your best friends or stay home and read a book/watch a movie with your pet? well first i need the mythical best friend group but also can we be doing something more fun than a cocktail party

share a secret. I’ve Pooped Outside

would you rather live longer or happier? this might only be a difficult choice if it was live shorter or happier

who’s story is your biggest inspiration in life? why? nobody coz idk

do you wear glasses? yes

forest or river? forest

do you like exercise? its alright i dont like just straightup running though

do you like poetry? it depends on who the poet is. cishet white dudes shouldnt be allowed, for starters

any special talent that you have? i’m good at telling if lines are parallel lol

#i dont pretend to be interesting

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kivablog3 · 8 years ago

Text

Spring Repost of “Why I Am Not a Pagan”

March 2017 -- I’m reposting this since the Spring Equinox is coming up, along with the festival of the goddess Eostre, whence derives our word for it: Easter. Along with the eggs, and bunnies too, I think. Fertility, at any rate. In wicca it’s the winter solstice which starts the new year, but for me it was Spring when the light truly came back: Daylight Saving Magic. So I think of it as the start of my own year. Also, I attended an open Dianic Goddess circle for the first time in my life. So I may even have to change the title. Maybe put the predicate in the past tense. Idk, maybe nothing will come of it, but I want to try. Happy Eostre, everyone.

Fall 2016 -- I wrote this for an anthology, about trans wicca and paganism, which was triggered by a conflict between terfy witches who wanted to have a ceremony for “all women” at a large pagan conference on the West Coast, but for “women-born women” only, and everyone else was appalled, not just us, and a conflict resulted over whether this was right or even acceptable behavior anymore. At the time I was convinced this was a hopeless cause, transfolx and Dianic Wicca, and thus wasn’t sure there was any point in arguing about it. That may be changing too, there are a lot of changes I am still unaware of.

So, I wasn’t even a pagan, and kind of relieved about that when I heard that this conflict was still going on in the pagan community, fifteen years after it helped convince me I had failed, because I was just born wrong, and that was that. The Goddess did not see me. It certainly helped convince me I wasn’t a pagan; I had less than no use for a binary divinity, a Goddess with a God. And I wasn’t allowed to just follow the Goddess, so that was that. It was a long time ago.

But I had a story to tell that might be interesting to a few other people, since this still seemed to be a raging conflict ffs. Somehow this conflict at the pagan conference on the Coast resulted in a trans pagan anthology being planned by way of response in the UK, which my friend in Boston tipped me off to; she’s written books which have actually been published, some of them on paganism, and is just generally networked with everyone fun, queer, kinky and/or just interesting in New England and a lot of other places. So I just started writing this, which I’d been trying to do for months. It’s about an important turning point in my life, but the ending is mushy and incomplete because I was afraid of writing my own truth and not caring if someone else was upset by it. This is why the ending is sort of abrupt. It has to be revised and extended and tied together with other stuff that happened then. (And is happening now. There’s a bad case of abrupt going around lately. Alyssa Harley told me I should just write from the heart, and not worry about who else might or might not read it and how they might react. That my writing is first of all for me, explaining myself to myself; and it turns out I learn a lot of things about myself that I wasn’t aware of. Like most advice she gives me, she’s right about this.) [note: This all helped me see that what I really love doing is writing and then editing what I wrote. Some effort will be involved in figuring out things like where to submit finished work and how to write brief, informative cover letters which might get the submission passed up to an editor. Where to do open-mic readings, and which six minutes and forty-five seconds of my work did I want to read? This may all turn out to be very interesting and unexpected things may happen. But I love writing now, I do it most nearly every day So that’s a start.]

After I wrote this piece, sort of all at once, I looked at the publisher’s site, and saw that their catalog runs toward books which have lots of footnotes and a scholarly approach toward the subject at hand, and I have a feeling they’re not going to use this because it so isn’t that. [Note: In the event, it didn’t even merit a rejection email. ] But it’s the most important part of What Happened to Me, how I was out for years, how in the end I couldn’t keep going after 2001, and hid again, in plain sight, for a long time.

So I’m going to keep working on it. I have a printout of Parts 2-3 I want to mark up and then incorporate those changes into the new version. But right now I’m in maintenance mode, learning about myself and trying to love myself and waiting for it to get warm. I’m much happier then, and it’s easier to be out, somehow. Coming out publicly caused a rebound, and a few days’ worth of migraines (tension + pollen + dry air = M, where M is any migraine bad enough that you have to turn all the lights off and you throw up). It’s taking a while to get up off the canvas and clear my head enough to continue to fight back. I don’t feel like fixing the paragraph breaks right now, sorry for any confusion. Anyway, here it is:

Why I Am Not a Pagan by Kiva Offenholley (The section letters/numbers are placeholders and not meant to be consecutive or even logical.) Part One A. So how do I tell this story? Where do I start? When I was poring over books on lesbian feminism in the library? [note: upon reflection, this is probably the point at which I lost the attention of the editor of the anthology. I assume it will get published at some point.] In the 1970s while I was in high school, reading everything I could find at the branch library and then becoming a page at the central library, when did I first run across witches? Who first mentioned the Goddess? I remember how powerful that particular idea felt when I first ran across it: that God was a woman, that there was another way. She wasn’t constantly promising punishment as well as or instead of love (so she wasn’t my mother, or G. the Father). She wasn’t scary—well, She wasn’t male, for one thing, and males scared me to death. I was supposed to be one, and I was really, really, really bad at it, and in Texas that still matters even now, a lot more than it should. It was worse then. I read some books that involved witches, even though I didn’t believe in magic per se (my sister kept trying spells and nothing much seemed to happen), which I understood then to be witchcraft. It wasn’t clear to me why belief in the Goddess necessitated not just ritual activities for their own sake, but ones which enable or prevent the use of invisible forces (the existence of which I have yet to be convinced of) to cause or prevent change in the real world, summoning spirits (see above) or even magic defined as creating change inside yourself using a Jungian approach to archetypes and ritual actions to focus intentionality and release energy. Maybe it’s because I was never in a Dianic coven, or any other kind, and I probably would’ve changed as I learned more. But possibly not. As it was, I just wanted to experience rituals because they are beautiful, and they are for Her. Ritual for its own sake. I may not believe in a deity—that’s Southern for “I’m an atheist”—but I have loved Her instinctively and completely, from the moment I learned of Her, and the idea of Her. And I hoped that maybe I could learn why I was made this way, why in my soul I felt like a girl. And it seemed to me that, if I tried, I could feel loved. Because I love the Goddess. B. It was clear even to me that one thing I definitely could not be was a lesbian separatist, which was a shame because I needed that too: I had nothing but rage and fear from men and for them, and wanted to live in or at least envision a world where we were in women’s space. I had only ever felt safe when I was with other women, or some of them at least. Most of them. Someone once called it “swimming in the safe sea of women.” I just wanted to count as a “woman” of some sort, maybe not fully female yet, if it was a problem, but I’d sit in the back and not get in anyone’s way…. They had somehow gotten undisputed custody of the real-world carrying into concrete action of the idea of the Goddess, and despite having read histories like The Creation of Patriarchy by Gerda Lerner, or Starhawk or Merlin Stone, of course, anything I could find, my only connection to the other universe, I wasn’t supposed to feel like I belonged. Avidly reading, and thinking and feeling all this stuff that made me feel like I not only belonged inside the circle, that it was the place I would be safe, but that it was the only place outside a classroom that I could ever discuss Gerda Lerner with someone else. I just kept reading, and tried to understand why some radical feminists hated us so much. We were less than or other than women, according to the women who hated us; we were less than or other than human. We were used for ideological target practice. It was like the inverse of being hated by Southern Baptists, the result was the same. It was a part of why I finally skidded to a halt, and detransitioned in 2001, after the period described here. It seemed that Goddess-centered religion was destined to be controlled by those unknown women, like the music festival in Michigan: my spouse, having attended once, assured me that I would consider it close to hell on Earth, between the mud and the rain and the bugs and the heat and the mud, given that my idea of roughing it is a hotel room with no minifridge. But I would’ve liked to have had the option. Around that same time, 1999-2000, I had a nasty encounter in a local institutional setting which I can’t or won’t really identify here. It was with two of the people we now call TERFs: an angry ideological one, who’d just joined the institution, to attack me viciously—none of my friends, no one, ever told me what she’d said while I was out of the room, so it must’ve been awful—and a reflexively 70s-grounded person in a position of authority to unthinkingly and unknowingly privilege TERF 1’s painful past, which was bad, over mine, which was pretty goddamn awful but which never really came up since it still wasn’t really clear to TERF 2 what the hell exactly I was, anyway, even though I had been around for nearly ten years. For a long time it seemed like she could barely greet me civilly when we on occasion ran into her on the street. But she never turned up at parties, which was what mattered, and so it really didn’t seem to matter, at the time. Years of work, living out as a woman among women who loved women in our wonderful little neighborhood: making and deepening friendships, learning to love our little world especially after our son was born, since we still had large lunches on Saturdays then, and he was so darned cute, and everyone loved him. And then I began the estrogen, and it was like I’d had my finger in a light socket for decades, had sort of learned to put up with it, like chronic pain, but it felt so good when I got to take my finger out finally, I felt so relieved when it stopped. All this time I’d been preparing myself, learning to not be afraid, not afraid to let myself Be. To do what someone has described as the most difficult thing you’ll ever do. But that was apart from this story, and it all started just as the getting-TERFed part (for which we then still didn’t have a term) was getting truly awful, so I truly needed something good to happen. And I thought I could finally use all this learning, all that reading I’d done for decades. And I was looking for a spiritual guide, too, it turned out. B. I took a class called Women & Religion in 1987, at Hunter College (from Dr. Serinity Young, who is now at Queens College CUNY and is still a wonderful teacher and human being), and one day while I was enthusiastically talking with the professor after class—it was the only way I talked with her, enthusiastically; I think she even taught me the origins of the word “enthused”—I casually let drop that not only did I want to major in Women’s Studies, I actually would really kind of like to become one someday. Like, medically, you know? And so she had the sad duty of letting me down as gently as humanly possible, but clearly someone had to tell me, I think she must’ve thought, and so: not only would I not be welcomed by a Dianic coven, any of them, she explained, I would face open hostility from radical feminists in general. That what I really wanted wasn’t feasible after all. That the team I wanted to join didn’t want someone like me as a member. That it was genuinely impossible, apparently; some of them hated us. At least I learned this from one of the gentlest souls I have ever known, it hurt less that way. I used to read a lot of those expensive little scholarly/theoretical radical feminist quarterlies they sold in the 80s for like $7, in the newsstand in the Pan Am Building back in the day. I had run across this hatred toward trans folks before; I just didn’t realize that it was so prevalent. That it was widespread, for some people it was an ideological litmus test. What Serinity told me did not completely surprise me, but the extent of what she described did. My best friend back then, who was from Long Island—think “where suburbs were invented”—said of course she was “a feminist, but not the kind that goes to demonstrations.” She may have even used that old saw about being in favor of equal pay, everyone said that back then if you asked if they were feminists. Her girlfriend at the time said that she wasn’t one, and that moreover she didn’t date feminists because she didn’t like women who don’t shave their underarms. (I do. I’m Old School. But I have to admit I was confused by all this.) So this idea and ideal, “Feminism,” had given me hope of a kind for years, feminist thealogy providing a Great Mother figure which I really needed when my own mother was beating me, sometimes unconscious, but never quite killing me; and I never quite killed myself either. I wrote stories and drew sketches and imagined a science-fiction future where there was a Lesbian Nation, a refuge for women of any orientation and a force in the world fighting for women. I had this belief that the world could be different or we could build a new one even, a better one, this escape hatch from the hatred of a world full of men, and most of them had hated me practically since I was born, it seemed to me. Because I wasn’t nearly enough like them, and far too much like a woman—the escape hatch was useless, it wouldn’t work for me because under the rules I could never ever be a woman. I would have to live the remainder of my life as a man because there was no such thing as “transsexual lesbians.” I might as well have spent years studying a dead language. Because the women who spoke it apparently wouldn’t talk to me. I tried to not care, but it involved a lot of nights of crying, and after that one class I gave up on Women’s Studies, on the idea of finishing my degree, and on the idea that I could even possibly not be male. I must be some kind of a gay man, then, I thought yet again, dejectedly, struggling with the limited rôles “permitted” in the old order. I guess I’m gay, I’m just not sexually attracted to men…I spent years in painful solitude, rarely dating (and always women) because I didn’t fit anyone’s pattern. I was born in the Friend Zone and apparently would die there. I just kept wishing I’d been born a girl, not a boy, like always: the existential mistake that felt like grief, that I wore like a suit of armor you can never take off, like walking in sunlight in a darkness that would never lift. Again, I didn’t quite kill myself. I wrote some simple performance art pieces, just monologues really, about how much I hated it all, and delivered them on open mic night at the old Dixon Place, Ellie Covan’s apartment on First Street. Maybe I could express this misery through art, squeeze some of the pain out onstage, writing monologues I wouldn’t have been able to sit through if I hadn’t written them myself. And then, in 1991, when I was 33, I met my future spouse. I invited her to come see my performance at Dixon, and we suddenly fell for each other, and everything changed. C. When I officially finally came out as trans—or “transsexual” as we used to say—it surprised absolutely no one. My wife identified as lesbian when we first got together in 1991, and being part of the lesbian/bi women’s community in the Slope in the 90s gave me a context and a place to want to be, since unlike most trans folks I was “transitioning in place.” Meaning that coming out as trans didn’t automatically destroy my personal relationships, as happens to so many of us then and now, and so I didn’t have to start over somewhere else, creating a new identity as if you’re in a Gender Relocation Program. It also meant (and now it means, again) that people who knew me as male before, not friends but deli clerks, auto mechanics, the bagel store staff, everyone, will have to adjust. It was the hardest thing I’d ever try to do. But it finally seemed doable. It seemed perfect, not just doable. We lived in Park Slope, in Brooklyn, which was a wonderfully diverse and welcoming lesbian community in the 1990s, and the Slope was still a place young lesbians starting a career in New York could move to and find an apartment at a reasonable price. All that new energy kept the neighborhood interesting. The lesbian social universe was arrayed around the karate school, and my wife had been at the school since before we met. I saw people I knew every day, just walking down Seventh Avenue. We had a baby, then I started taking estrogen. We were so happy. Then, as it happened, in the Spring of 2000 I met a cis woman who was already a witch and we tried to start what she assured me was indeed the First Trans-Friendly Dianic Goddess Circle, which ended up being the Last Trans-Friendly Dianic Goddess Circle, sort of. There are others now, I am told, who don’t even care what gender you are or aren’t, but this was the turn of the century, and it was still well-nigh unheard of.

Part Two A. The Center—once upon a time, a long, long time ago, it was the Gay Community Center, hence the venerable web address: gaycenter.org, then the Gay and Lesbian Etc., then the Lesbian and Gay But Not Bi, Definitely Not Bi Center, then the Lesbian, Gay & Alright, Already, Bi Center, then they finally went to LGBT, this was along about when they—whoever “they” were, the ones who ran The Center, and whoever they were, they seemed to arrive a tad tardily to each of these transformations. And as I recall they were still coming to terms with the whole adding-the-T part, and it hadn’t happened yet, or maybe it had already happened but I sincerely didn’t notice, I was busy: the spring of 2000, a beautiful warm spring with a lot of sunny days, at least as I remember it. The Center was in the Swing Space, the temporary building that they were operating out of around the turn of the century, so that the old school building could be turned into, in time, the space station command center-&-caffeine bar-fronted miracle of architecture and fundraising you find there now, over at 218 W. 13th Street. But this was the between-time, somewhere out near where the old “The Vault” S&M club had once been, around the corner of this triangular wedge of real estate just below 14th Street, around Ninth Avenue. I am told that there were rather a lot of directions given then that began, “You remember where The Vault used to be? You walk a block down past it, hang a right….” So I was on my way out of the Swing Space one day, after trying to do some kind of transgender networking, and I passed a woman with beautiful eyes, in warm fuzzy hippie clothes and interesting jewelry, with Tori Amos-like long wavy red hair and some kind of energy or sense of purpose about her. She had some kind of small bag or satchel with her. We passed, she smiled, I smiled. She saw the “Trans Dyke” button I had on—possibly the only such button extant at the time in the US if not all North America, unless the inspired artist/buttonmaker had made more of them. It was drawn by hand, in colored pencil, with TRANS DYKE written across it in large, friendly letters. I’d found it quite by accident among an assortment of handmade radical buttons in a cigar box, at an alternative bookstore in Montréal when I’d visited with K. the previous winter. I couldn’t quite believe my luck: I was still hesitant to say what I was aloud, but buttons were no problem. [K. had very supportively agreed to come with me to freaking Canada during hockey season so I could see a Canadiens game at the Centre Molson (now Centre Bell). I was clearly out of my mind. We lost a set of keys and came back two days later to the same parking spot on a hunch, and we found them in the snowbank, two feet down, where they’d landed. It was cold. I love Québec, but go in the summer.] That button was just perfect at the time for me, still a novel idea a decade after Kate Bornstein came out as lesbian and trans in OutWeek magazine. That was the first time I asked myself that ages-old queer question, “So you mean I’m not the only one?” So just wearing the fucking button around the Center felt somewhat defiant, improvising a sort of pronoun-sticker years before they existed, saying who I was. It mattered. I was wearing it on my jacket, all the time since it wouldn’t stay on my backpack, and she turned around and asked me one of those life-changing questions: “Hey! Would you like to come help me with a transsexual-friendly Goddess circle? I’m going to hold one upstairs!”

Well. I had sort of been waiting 25 years or so for someone to ask me that. So sure, yeah, I’d love to, I may even have said something like, “I’ve waited years for someone to ask me that!” and I headed back with her into the Swing Space elevator, and up. I helped her set up the altar furnishings. Candles (couldn’t actually light them because of building regs plus sprinklers going off) and statues, I think, pretty scarves and cloths and jewelry. It wasn’t anything complicated, but it was amazing to me just to be there, suddenly, seemingly by chance. Friends of hers came, a trans couple from New Jersey showed up, and we held our ceremony, greeting the Spring Equinox and thanking the Goddess for the new season. I forget details from there, just that I helped her clear up afterwards and the two of us talked. What sort of thing are you into, she asked. Going way back, really, I said, I’ve read about the Sumerians and their religion. “Inanna.” “Right. The earliest written records we have of Mesopotamian religion. And they mention servants of Inanna, they’re like two-spirited, I mean, both-gendered or something…” She knew the word for them. We talked some more, about sort of Jungian stuff, like what images spoke most powerfully to me? The Great Mother, primarily, “possibly since my own mother was, um, she was nuts.…” She nodded to let me know she “got it,” as far as survivor stuff, then I went on: “I hope you don’t think this is weird, but I’ve always been fascinated by the temple prostitutes in Sumeria. The service of the Goddess, through the celebration of sex itself.” She gave me one of those dazzling smiles. “No,” she reassured me, “I don’t think it’s weird at all. In fact, it’s also sort of what I had in mind….” Wow. “What’s your name?” I asked, finally. “Yana.” “I’m Kiva,” I said. And so it began. B. She had come to New York a few years before, and with her fascination with the Goddess already intertwined with the Marian devotion she had learned growing up in the Roman Church. She was Catholic, but not Christian, I think she said, Catholic to the extent of the Marian practices which she’d been taught and had read about. Then she became a Dianic witch and studied all sorts of other women-focussed practices across denominations that all fed into Goddess history. She felt the church was the people who turned up, all of us flawed, but it wasn’t her primary interest. The Black Madonnas, devotions related to marriage and a safe delivery, “churching” women after a birth, implying they were impure afterwards; different beliefs from Eastern Europe, the Orthodox, from all over, but mostly she’d read a lot of what I had, particularly European and Middle Eastern religious history and especially the odd or neglected corners of it, the backwaters like the three villages in Syria that still used Aramaic in their services, the witches of the mountains in their different forms, Babayaga, all this off-the-beaten-path stuff. Ishtar, Istar, Ester. Enna, Enana, Innana. Timelines, conjectures about periods without written or archaeological records, or ambiguous sites like Çatal Hüyük. It was more or less pre-Google, so any kind of conjecture could possibly be true, depending on how late at night it was. We talked about labryses, and Crete. We talked about goddesses, and witches, and magic, none of which, I explained, I really believed in, I was just sort of fascinated by it all, you see. I was just stubbornly atheistic as a default setting, since I was a recovering Southern Baptist. We touched on Bokononism when I brought it up; I don’t remember if we got around to the Cathars. I’d never met anyone before her, outside of that class at Hunter in 1987, who’d even heard of Çatal Hüyük. We talked and talked, for hours, for days and days, about all of these things, and all of them at once, it seemed like. Everything was connected. We’d read the same books. A lot of the same books. We talked about who we were, how we identified, how we got to where we were. She talked about how she got involved so deeply in trans women’s activism (and, “no,” she replied when I asked, “I’m not transgendered;” it was clearly a question she got sooner or later from each of us.) We didn’t have the words “cis” and “trans” as such then, “cis” still dwelled quietly as a prefix in old Latin and French dictionaries. At the time we called cis women “GGs,” genetic girls, or “biogirls,” both of which were self-deprecating, self-devaluing, and inferiority-reinforcing terms we came up with all on our own, as a community; as for ourselves, I learned soon that to save time and avoid arguments over changing terminology such as “transsexual” (“ss,” not “s”, dammit) and “transgender,” and who was and wasn’t really a whatever, we called each other by this diminutive term no one outside our little world seemed to have heard of: “trannies”…. She’d been homeless not all that long before, and it was trans women, sex workers out working the street in Manhattan, who kept her from starving, let her sleep on couches, nursed her to health, and I gathered that somewhere in there she’d fallen in love, too, and by that point she’d come to love us as we were. And so she was an ardent lesbian trans ally at a time when we didn’t have many (we didn’t have the term “trans ally” yet, for example) and a lover of other trans women when few cis women openly were—for a while she and K. wanted to start a support group but I think they’d have been the only ones there. Like K., she was was a gem cut in a distinct pattern. She was unique and unafraid. And she loved us. Yeah, I had sort of a crush on her. She was magical. She asked me to help her start a pagan meeting circle, a stable, ongoing Goddess-focussed Dianic circle. A Dianic circle like any other, except this one would welcome trans women. It was dedicated to lifting up trans women spiritually, meeting what in Yana’s eyes was an obvious need. I said okay, and set to work. We were going to call it Two Spirit Moon Circle but I wondered if it might be appropriating a Native American term outside its cultural context. So I kept accidentally calling it Two Moon Spirit Circle, as if we were on Mars or something, and eventually we decided to call it that. Yana had a phone list of people who were supposed to be either interested or potentially interested. It was a handful of names and numbers, some of them names you weren’t supposed to use to ask for them with because they were still closeted, as transgender or as pagan or as both even, and in the (as it transpired, extremely unlikely) event that someone answered the phone, I said something vague, some preset phrase like, “I’m calling on behalf of Yana.” Several of them had no surname, just a name and a phone number. Some of them never did answer, a couple of numbers proved to have gone out of service, two or three of them didn’t need to be called because they were close to Yana. I still have the list around here somewhere, I saw it recently stuck in a book, and I was amazed by how much of it was blank space. There was no social media, no smartphones, and the Web was still in its toddler stage. It was all we had to work with. Somehow Yana had talked the NYC Metropolitan Community Church into letting us use their basement room after their services were over on Sunday afternoons. The MCC was originally organized as a gay-friendly church because there weren’t any other ones, except the Unitarians. Yana attended services there, which may have helped. And for a few months, we held circles nearly every Sunday. Yana tried to find more members; she knew the folks at what we shall refer to here as “T-House” on 16th Street in Brooklyn, which turned out to be three blocks up from me (the Slope was like that then). It’s gone down in history as “Transy House.” We never did get many people from T-House to attend our circle, or if we did it wasn’t more than once. The circle didn’t grow. C. I happily took on the task of writing up a ritual we could use for a special occasion, like the solstice. As it happened, I was enrolled at the New School for one semester, taking some class on religious symbols. So I had access to their library, and way back on the bottom shelf, full of the dusty volumes of history which no one used for research and which hadn’t been opened in decades, there was a really old series of books with the translated Sumerian scriptures in them. It looked ancient, so I checked the indicia and it was published in 1912 or something like that. In the 1900s, but before 1914. I forget now what they were called, and don’t particularly want to try googling for 20 minutes looking for it, but they were special messengers of Inanna, and they were both female and male together in one. There was a passage where Inanna made a promise to them—and we argued, by extension, you could include us, trans people, and gender-variance of all kinds too, I believe, although we didn’t quite have the freedom to imagine all that at the time. Inanna made a promise to Her two-gendered beings, who were special to Her, that she would protect them. Nothing complicated, nothing that other divinities wouldn’t subsequently promise to their special peoples, except that it’s hard to find one where the Goddess says she will protect us. But Yana and I both knew how far back you had to go to find a strong Inanna figure: as far as possible, in early Sumerian theology, some of the first written records of a religious belief system. I think it was from reading The Creation of Patriarchy by Gerda Lerner that I learned the story of how Inanna had gradually been weakened and eventually subordinated or sidelined in later Sumerian and then Akkadian theology; this weakening and subordination reflected the same thing happening to Sumerian women in reality, losing rights to buy and hold property, rights in inheritance, independent social existence gradually subordinated to the control of the father: patriarchy. This wasn’t the only society and time when this happened, but the Sumerians had left detailed real estate and inheritance records. I remember how exhaustively she went over and cited her source material, all those footnotes. My copy is still in the basement. I just brought up the laundry and I forgot to bring it up with me, but I guess the point is it touched on the area of ancient religions. So I looked in it for a reference which would help me find the huge old rebound-in-green volume of forgotten Sumerian scriptures that I needed: the story about Inanna trapped in the underworld. But I think in the end I just went down to the New School library, and pulled out a volume. It was one of those old-school, 2000-large-pages volumes that voluminous scriptures used to end up in. Bound volumes of Theravada Buddhist scriptures are about the same size and weight, you can probably find them in the 200s section of your public library, depending on how large it is. They have a very nice set at the Brooklyn Central Library. So I opened up the book, spine on my knee, and it more or less opened to the place I needed, the story of Inanna in the underworld and the transgender messengers she sent, and the promise she made. I took it to a table and started to make notes. Yana maintained that this was a small example of divine intervention, that She guided my hand, helped me pick the right volume, open it to the right chapter. I said I thought it was a coincidence, although I wasn’t too sure at the time. It’s possible also, I argued, that I wasn’t the first person to ever go looking for that particular story, and so the book opened to that page, more or less. Because the spine, mostly unspoiled through the decades by the routine damage inflicted by readers of books, probably had a single crack left in it from before. It’s possible that the volume, if it had been used before, was reshelved by the user sticking out slightly instead of flush with the other books, and so I unconsciously chose it (I used to be a library page—a minion—long ago). I recount this to illustrate what a stubborn subject I was and am when it comes to faith and belief. Yana knew about Jungian archetypes and self-actualization and so on, but I think deep in her heart she totally and sincerely believed in Her, that She exists, that She loves us, and that She had agency in the mundane world which she used to help us, if we but asked her. I was just never able to let go, to trust in someone I didn’t think existed. Archetypes, schmarchetypes: I needed Her to *exist*. I needed proof. 5. I read online a couple of years ago that there was some kind of all-pagan conference on the West Coast, where a group of Dianic witches held an “all women-born women welcome” Goddess ritual from which trans women were of course angrily and ostentatiously excluded. It was instructive to me, when I read about it, of something I’m trying to learn over and over until I believe it: apparently nearly everyone else had the decency to be appalled and regarded it as bigoted and ignorant of who we actually are. This book is itself one consequence of this conflict, I am told. In some parallel universe, maybe even nearby, where radical feminists and lesbian separatists of every kind had welcomed trans women into the community from the beginning, valued us, maybe even cherished us for our unique critique of masculinity, our courage in crossing the river of fire, I might be some kind of elder by now, possibly even considered wise. That, along with having transitioned, successfully, long ago. They do feel like they should go together, at least for me. It always felt logical. But I can’t claim a pagan identity now, retroactively, and have it become something that provided comfort and joy over the years, because it isn’t. It didn’t. It never happened. Just like I was never really a Christian after the Southern Baptists chewed me up and spit me out. Past age eight, I never really had the feeling that when I said my prayers, there was someone on the other end listening. By adolescence I knew that they hated people like me, even if whatever the hell it was that I was had not become clear yet. They hated just about anything related to sex that had happened after 1960. The various kinds of baptist churches were gradually taken over in the 1980s by fundamentalists, who had been kept at bay by conservatives for decades (sound familiar?) but now overran the Baptists and other evangelical churches. They voted for Reagan and gave birth to the generation which is now smitten by Trump. They are the real reason I left Texas. I tried for years to make Christianity work for me somehow—you don’t read Tillich on a whim, I spent months checking out everything I could from the library on theology. Fascinating subject, but to me it is fascinating largely as history and supposition. Yana used to say that it didn’t matter if I didn’t believe, it wasn’t a matter of belief; it was a matter of trusting in Her even though you don’t believe it will help. I tried to take the rituals into me, let out that little spark inside, let out the little kid in me. She’s still there, and she’s still scared to come outside, afraid of being slapped again. And for a while it was better. I even tried to meditate. I can’t meditate for shit, but I tried. Our little circle met until it didn’t. It wasn’t like herding cats so much as trying to teach kittens to march down Broadway in lockstep and chanting, “The kittens/United/Will never be defeated!” Only you can’t find enough kittens. And around then, Yana began to vanish into what became an opaque relationship: a glom-on girlfriend who would never give her messages or call her to the phone, she was always “not here,” who eventually closed her off from everyone, or at least everyone at T-House, which was, like, everyone, but apparently the girlfriend thought it included me for some reason; and, long story short, after a couple more times I never saw Yana again. What really kills me is, I introduced them. For political purposes; Glom-on was trans and in a position to help. But the next thing I knew, Yana was telling me the old, old story: “well, you know, we worked all those late nights together on the protest, and next thing you know….” It was the greatest unforeseeable mistake I have ever made, to this day. 3. The Goddess lives in my heart, of course, some kind of small (yet apparently inextinguishable) light, otherwise I wouldn’t have had the strength to survive growing up and getting beaten, a few times nearly to death, by my mother the psycho vodka-swilling pillhead, or to survive living in New York for years with nothing but my sheer uncrushableness and a talent for proofreading. Without Her I could never have embraced my trans identity, then somehow detransition yet not fall apart completely, in a time when it seemed impossible after all to make it through transition as an out lesbian who didn’t pass (2001), and to survive until a time when it does seem sort of possible (2016). Without Her I wouldn’t be able to come back and embrace my trans identity, a choice which saved my life. But that light mostly doesn’t sustain me or reassure me or whatever; it just is me, it feels pain, too. It feels like She put it there, subjectively; like She made me, somehow. She lives in each of us, that light is the You that you hope to find if you look inwards far enough. Maybe that’s what the argument is really about, whether She lives in us, made us the way we are, whether that light is inside us and she really did make us women. Instead of monsters. I’ve met some boring trans people, but I’ve never a monster who wanted to destroy womenspace by demanding admission even though it has a penis. Mostly, we’re just kind of reticent, afraid of sounding too femme, or not enough, or just reminding people we’re different. Like clearing my throat, always comes out sounding deep. It’s like the current bathroom nonsense: as has been true already for decades, we’re just looking for a place to pee. Only now, everyone knows we exist. Maybe it’s the estrogen-wash theory, that high E levels plus maybe really wanting a girl can prevent a fetus with a Y chromosome from fully changing into a male, at least in the brain. I read a study that suggests there are genetic signatures of some kind in some sort of brain cell, and ours differ from men’s, they’re longer yet there aren’t very many testosterone receptors. (Sorry, I don’t have a footer for that.) I have enough material from age five up for another book or two. It took them years, until around age eight, to convince me that not only was I not a girl, but I wouldn’t turn into one later, it didn’t work that way, and when I grew up I wouldn’t be a woman. I’d wear one of those suits, like Dad, not a dress. I hated those suits. I thought this would be an essay about an attempt at forming a circle in the intersection of Goddess religion and trans women’s culture, because you want academic papers with footnotes and everything. But it turns out it’s as much about Yana as about the Goddess or Dianic wicca or other stuff you’d research and footnote and make a biblio out of. It’s all just from me; it’s my story, and what it is, too. My close encounter with having a pagan religious identity, my pagan identity, the one I wanted to at least try, before that identity zoomed past me, then looped around the Sun and shot back out into space, probably all the way to the Oort Cloud. It should be back in a few thousand years. It was Yana who embodied Her for me, and made Her seem real; so once Yana was gone from my life, that sense of the numinous, of spirit in everything, went away too, leaving behind a fondness for a hill with a circle of trees on it in Prospect Park where we used to go to talk and be. I don’t believe that in any of this I was in point of fact a pagan; I was an acolyte of Yana. I trusted her, I learned from her, I believed her, I miss her.

Part Three A. I am 58 now. I used to care so very intensely about this, I was so proud to be co-organizing a Goddess circle for women like us. That was 2000, and so much else was going wrong in my personal life that year, so this was special, something I tried harder to keep hold of even as it slipped further out of my grasp. When I was forced by events to detransition in April of 2001, it hurt like I was dying. I had to cut loose a lot of things to survive, and caring so intensely about this, since I was spiritually on my own once again, became one of them. Like with anything transgender, I didn’t want to know, I turned away, shamed by what felt like my epic failure, and I didn’t want to hear about it anymore. If I couldn’t have it, I couldn’t bear to look at others who could. Because they’d learned to go out dressed without trembling. Because they were living. I felt like the kid with her nose pressed against the glass again, looking in, like before, and it started to seem normal again to feel like I was permanently wrong, or at least I was too emotionally exhausted to fight. I suspended my transition, for 15 years it turns out. A lot of things have gotten better in the meantime, a lot more than I could’ve imagined. Like marriage equality isn’t a Thing, it’s the law. Hating on trans folks of all stripes on modern gay/bi women’s sites, like Autostraddle.com, isn’t acceptable behavior anymore, or at least TERFy posts draw multiple posts from allies. This is the generation we gave birth to, and they mostly as a rule just don’t believe in hate; and there isn’t an exception made to that rule for trans people. Yet it turns out this, the reason I’m a cynical atheist instead of a somewhat less cynical witch, is still a Thing in 2016. So many awful Things, Things that seemed unchangeable for queers for so very long, have changed in the last fifteen years, but this isn’t one of them. And we do this to ourselves. Queers who obsessively hate certain other queers. It seems so wrong now, when I think about it like that. So a friend of mine who is a writer and a witch told me about the call for papers. I intended to write something more like I might have written for an academic paper, and if I were still taking college courses I probably would have, MLA format and all. This is not that story, this is the story that wanted to be told. So I have I decided to try and tell the Tale of Yana and Kiva. I would’ve made a lousy pagan anyway. There’s the indifference to magic. I can’t meditate for shit. I feel antagonistic toward religion in general. I’m hopelessly cynical. I’m an atheist, for Chrissakes. B. Last week my wife K. and I went to Massachusetts to visit old friends. We stopped at my favorite used bookstore in the world, the Raven Used Books in Northampton, on Old South Street. Most of what I found in LGBT or Women’s Studies was from the 80s or 90s, when I was reading some of the same books I found there. I asked about transgender theory—I murmured “trans” and she thought I said “trains”, so I said, “transgender” in this slightly apologetic way I still do. She thought for a second and said they are largely a used book store (“academic” being a given) and that since the field has started growing so recently and so quickly, they didn’t have them in great numbers, yet, but when they did it would be shelved in LGBT. Which makes sense to me, really, since the oldest of the new wave of major works I have read are from about 2005 on. They haven’t had time to finish the cycle: first migrate in signifigant numbers onto syllabii at Smith, Holyoke, Hampshire, Amherst and UMass, to wax and wane in popularity and utility, and thence in time make their way to Happy Valley’s used bookstores, particularly to Raven. Where people like me buy them. Maybe they’re still waxing in popularity. I hope so. But this visit I wasn’t into languages or mediæval history or Buddhism, I was back where I began, at LGBT and Women’s Studies. And the future is so new here that the books I was hoping to find are still being used, rather than having been used. They have some mugs and bags for hardcore fans like me. But I already have two mugs. So I bought a nice copy of Carol Christ’s Laughter of Aphrodite, since I haven’t read it and thealogy is really sort of timeless, even if some of the people she was discussing and critiquing advocated then-current arguments which have become dim with the passage of time. (Remember, everyone: if you have a used book you haven’t read before, it’s new.) Laughter of Aphrodite came out around the time Christ (pronounced “krist”, with a short i) was co-editing the now-classic anthology which we used as our principal textbook for the Women & Religion course at Hunter College in 1987: Womanspirit Rising. I’m looking forward to reading it.

But, like I said, I’m not a pagan. Go figure.

#trans #gender #transgender #paganism #neo-Paganism #dianic wicca #wicca #trans history #transgender history #lgbtq history #queer pagan

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