#idk why I even came up w that
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found this wip I have of alastor leaving deer carcasses on an ex-overlord reader’s door every night cause he’s trying to make friends but doesn’t know how to and them getting pissed off cause they think that’s him like trying to scare them off or mark territory cause they’re new at the hotel lmaooo it’s so stupid but so funny I forgot I came up w that one
#hazbin hotel#idk why I even came up w that#cause I don’t even care much for alastor?#well I guess I’ve been reading some radiostatic shit eventually which I also don’t care much for but sometimes it’s fun#anyways!#mars talks
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K so, Semblances are connected to Aura which is a manifestation of the soul yeah?
In Before the Dawn, the father of the villains confirms that one of twin's semblance was active in the womb throughout a good portion of the pregnancy
Meaning, in Remnant, fetuses have souls. Wonder how legal abortions are
Edit: just remembered Pyrrha had to unlock Jaune's Aura in V1, so does that mean someone cracked open a fetus's Aura inside the womb? Was Gillian strong enough as a cluster of cells to unlock it herself?? Wtf is this origin story???
#rwde#I don't think myers wrote this w the angle of prolife propaganda but hoo boy did he not think this plot through#(tho idk his politics so he could have subconsciously done it. this is the doctor who moon abortion episode all over again)#btd sucked so bad but what keeps snagging in my brain is that the whole thing that kicked off the twins monarchy scheme -#- the crown birthmark born to one every generation - was apparently burned into gillian???#and its NEVER FOLLOWED UP ON#like kudos to FUCKING COCO OF ALL PEOPLE for commenting on her enemy being BRANDED but why is it just the one comment???#idk who I'd go for first: the father or the brother. who's ego is inflated enough to justify burning their own kin?#and why even do it? i dont think myers would write jax and gill to follow the royal tradition of bloodline purity-#-so they couldnt rule together right? why even bother marking her if the crown would always go to jax?#and why cant a single rwby villain have a scheme that makes sense to some degree?#jax wanting remnant to get a little bit genghis khan is so fucking stupid and baseless. where is the logic behind it?#the best villains either do heinous shit for shits and giggles or they genuinely do have a point but came to the wrong conclusion#thats why tyrian and watts are the only decent villains post v3. theyre both in it for themselves and unapologetic abt it#jax and gill are just annoying. go join a fight club and leave vacuo alone kthxbai#anyway thanks for attending another episode of rwby has shit world building and even worse implications#yodeling into the void
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pretty minor thing to think about, but i find it interesting how chapter 7 is the first chapter illustration to show chizuutan as chizuru (instead of chuutan)
like, i get it’s a flashback chapter, but we hardly got to see her as chizuru in the previous few chapters thus far… maybe we’ll get to see more of her as her true self after the hiyori fight/make up? only future chapters may tell, i guess…
#there’s like 5 weeks to go till chapter 6 is released into the rest of the world and i m n o t r e a d y—#man. chapter 5 still manages to ruin my mood no matter how many times i read it… man.#i was having so much fun with renren and concon and the 3 stooges and th e n.#imagine putting on a (somewhat) perfect/cute act to hide your true self because you know you’re unlovable the way you are#but then someone else runs along and screws up every step of the way without putting on any airs and is adored for it anyway…#i imagine chapter 6 will be much worse. especially since the start of the flashback begins there…#i sincerely hope the flashback ends in chapter 7 bc aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa#though. considering where we are now in the series. i think there’s a chance that vol 2 will come out at the end of december#ch 8 will prolly start to drop somewhere around the later half of november so it seems about right…#b u t if there’s the preorder bonus manga for vol 2 in dec can we have santa girl chuutan in it p l s—#i think we’ll need an incredibly cute bonus feature to lift the mood from whatever the heck’s going on with vol 2’s chapters#bc. idk. im sensing some self hatred with this one chizuchan… it’s as though she can only love herself if she’s dolled up as chuutan…#like. even in her aizo self-insert delusions she’s thinking of herself as chuutan… maybe im reading too much into this. hm.#but then again she even puts on makeup when she’s at home in her own room…#w a i t a sec what if this wack behaviour only came about bc of what’s about to be revealed in the flashbacks. wait. no. w h a t if—#i hope manga chizuchan will be able to love herself properly soon… we all love you chizuchan~~~~~~~~~~#this. too. is our oshi no—#dammit why is something set in the same universe as the [redacted] anime making me feel things??? i hate itttttttttt#anyways. wh. what if one of the h10w turns out to be an anime adaptation of the chizuchan manga#and they’re just waiting on. like. the final vol to announce it.#it’d make the most sense for an anime series at this point… since chizuchan is marketable and it’s set in the same anime verse#so there’s no inconsistencies to retcon and such…#but!!!! most importantly!!!!!! we’d be able to see animated renren and concon!!!!!!!#…but something like this will only appear in my delusions huh~~~~~~~~~~~~~~#mousou dake no kawaikute gomen anime#ok that’s enough thinking for the day; back to kimikawaii mv g o o d b y e~~~~#chizuutan chizpost
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its been like. nearly a year (How.) already but i cannot lie theres Still a part in the back of my brain occupied with and being thoroughly entertained by the way that childes confirmed 4.0 complete self-awareness over waking up the narwhal at 14 recontextualizes some key liyue things leading to some very funny self indulgent scenarios in my head
like yes chili is old news its basic please excuse me for predictable popular ship crimes (do NOT however associate me w the crimes of fanon against their actual range. theyre peak to Me) but i just keep replaying the imagery of zhongli and childe back on their homoerotic Professional Working Relationship bullshit where their flirting passed the jkjk unless treshold of even remotely plausible deniability like 8 exorbitantly priced business dinners ago and theyre just like. doing that whole song and dance now neither committing to a move except zhonglis presently feeling moderately conflicted (but nonetheless fairly unfazed at) by the prospects of actually developing some sort of a thing for the harbinger hes supposed to puppet master into executing the major story climax of his 67-step retirement plan bc he turned out to be quite the strangely charming ginger specimen (to His weird fucking 6000 year old tastes at least. they deserve each other) with some fascinating life ambitions he cant help but be enraptured by.
but because hes still 100% Locked In on his entire plan zhonglis also just . simultaneously dual wielding his coy-ass "i like you and am taking it slow to Savor this developing relationship (Also bc of the Geo Archon Shaped Elephant In The Room) except am old as shit so my languid sense of time inadvertedly Automatically turns my behavior into an equivalent of the dark souls boss of playing hard2get" act (cue "waddup im ajax 24 and im in fucking agony with this hot funeral consultant". Yes they live like this) AND also meticulously theorycrafting like 12 moves in advance for his 6d chess play of leaving the most subtly crafted trail of breadcrumbs behind for the tsaritsas 11th to follow into the intended & completely "Coincidental" idea of unleashing the one particular sealed sea deity that zhongli Specifically wants momentarily released for his sweet 6k retirement party and graduation test for the nation hes helicopter parented for 3.7k years .
like. this is zhongli we r talking about the guy Absolutely has it planned out down to a fucking art like he has an entire branching path dialogue tree planned and memorized like its a visual novel for every possible way he can conveniently namedrop osial in a non-suspect way and also that he just happens to be sealed right over there across the harbor (what a coincidence!) and also to slip in the intel about the latent power of the sigil of permission etc etc. like zhonglis just out there doing all this massive galaxy brain computational work simultaneously while infodumping on an academic level about whichever subject childes latest random comment of amicable small talk happened to remind him of because in his helicopter parent in remission mind its Absolutely Critical that the idea about releasing osial occurs Completely organically in childes mind it Has to he Cannot risk revealing anything . (hes in remission not in recovery guys.) so like here we are. he requested notes from the tsaritsa Personally on the character of her 11th just to ensure every move was painstakingly crafted to draw him Specifically to the intended conclusion without risking revealing his true identity .
except. the thing . neither he. nor the tsaritsa . would have been informed of . is that this simply isnt childes first fucking rodeo waking up an eldritch city sized sea creature . and he is very well aware of this fact . he woke that beautiful wonderful beloved huge fucking narwhal up by himself had his brain chemistry Immediately and Irrevocably rewired as a direct consequence do you fucking think hes somehow stopped thinking about that singular moment for even a second since then???
yeah . thought so.
so what actually ends up happening in reality is theyll be on another definitely-serious-business-not-just-a-date and zhonglis going to get down to like dialogue selection part 10 of the 86 step conversation tree at Most where hes only beginning to like Vaguely allude to the key pieces of information involved but it turns out Because Hes That Guy (TM) And Has Been There Done That Before childes basic pattern recognition and sense of irony simply proceed to kick in Way ahead of time and hes Immediately perking up like Hey wouldnt it be really fucking funny if i wake up an eldritch sea beast Again . like just in case. as a last ditch effort .
and zhonglis just sitting there seeing the gears turn in his head as they enjoy their cringe fucking picnic (bc they just stare at each other intently like that nowadays its a thing. being in a room with them by this point is essentially a human rights violation) and is just completely fucking flabbergasted and lost on how in the hell childes speedran his way to that conclusion at what amounts to barely a 13% completion rate in his whole overkill fucking plan (just 1 of 3 contingencies btw) and its like yes he has his intended outcome but also precisely 0 idea on how the fuck said outcome was reached the way it was this fast . like hes still winning its His plan thats well underway and ahead of schedule but How
(pov: ur selling the concept of waking up destructive sea creatures to the guy who woke up a celestial body eating cosmic whale at 14)
anyway its truly beautiful i absolutely detest these two and have prime liyue AQ hijinks nostalgia now thank you for the lore drop that allowed this to become canon in my head hoyo
#im sorry for completely out of nowhere ship posting dude idk where this came from . i had to get it off my chest ig . runs away#chili my dearest i miss em . theyre the most normal business partners to lovers dynamic to me NO drama whatsoever they just#happen to be insane fucking people and thats why it ends up weird . but relationship wise. bland as SHIT they just get along well#drama?? betrayal?? angst?? NO. 1 spar and childe forgives instantly we all know this to be true#theyre so fucking basic as a couple bc both of them being as weird as they are just ends up canceling out#bc neither is unnerved by the insane shit the other comes with . and they just like. date normally . and make a semi-open committed ldr wor#they simply civilly agree not to bring up the uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Religious differences .#6k yo highly suspect god known for signing NDA with celestia dating guy intent on torching the fucking place personally like .#'we make it work despite our differences 😌'#and the known self-admitted heretic if it gives him power looking to conquer the world just#'oh no need to Rush the agenda after all im still busy getting stronger 😊 in time watch tf out tho <333 youre so sexy aha'#dont listen to bland tropey fanon guysss listen to me they could be so fucking peak. they Are to me#altho childe pairings are so weird to me now being a true narwhal truther. theyre all basically a love triangle to me now LKWDJKWDKJWDKJ#like listen. they could be in love they could be the same entity they could be opposites. nemeses. platonic soulmates. romantic rivals. idc#BUT whatever the fuck they are i want them together please thank uuuuuuuu so like. added hysteria factor to any other ship w ajax .#hes still fucking cheating on his narwhalllll on all levels. romantic. platonic. cosmic. unphased by any attempts at defining their bond#with mere words. what are they??? no clue. still cheating. no i dont explain my poetry often. theyre simply everything to me xx#how do i even fucking tag this man its not rly childeposting worthy is it....#and im not abt to risk breaching containment in the chili tag.........................#guess its just#genshin#rambles#lmaooo wjkdwkjwjkdjkdw
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in a cafe rn. this place is nice :>
#just me hi#they have a lot of random old stuff in here it's fun :D#tons of books too; though most of them seem to be romance and unfortunately i've come to terms w/ the fact i'm a hater gfhsfh </3#oh and not that the old stuff is random in a new place; it's an old-looking place with a lot of old stuff that doesn't match anything else#lol ! there are some spots that are Almost uhh- the word is not coherent but it's something like it hfhvs#i've had a bisquit sanmich and a lemonade which was pretty fine. i liked the sandwich though it was a bit greasy bfsh :>#idk i'm just comfortable here. the guy running the counter might be gay and there's a bathroom sign that jokes abt gender n creatures for#them lol - it's relatively quiet too n i have a chair that's pressed against the wall w/ no windows so i don't feel like i can be snuck up#on ghfhsv. i like it here so far :D#//anywho i think i'm gonna get on my ar.ft attacks now hfhsvh#i didn't bother posting my first one this year but i'll get to that rn!! :3#i have 1 + 1/2 i gotta do - i say a half because it doesn't Technically count as an attack due to the System but ehe :33#//btw this place has a thing going on where it's Nearly symmetrical#every table is missing at least 1 chair that would make it so and if there Is an even amount of chairs they aren't the same kind#though they Are matching in colour if they aren't the same type! i like that. dunno why hfbvs#also i like how oddly everything has been placed. tables placed in a diamond form compared to the room and then others are situated like#regular tables ; i just think it's interesting lol :33#//oh and i've finished another chapter of my book ; it's taking me forever because i actually came to like it a lot n i don't want it to en#a common habit of mine hfhfsh <3#though ik it's hard to tell from the outside if i'm not doing it cuz i hate it or cuz i love it. fun for Me though hfhbshvs#//yea anyway. i like this place lol :>#gonna wander around prolly. n work on stuff hopefully :>>#i have a ~+~root beer~+~ so here i go !! toodles :D
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working with children really will make you examine your thought processes and emotional reactions like nothing else. I've found myself being so much more thoughtful in my daily life about how I respond to my emotions and environment, as well as the reasoning behind why others behave the way they do
#yesterday i got really frustrated and overwhelmed at one point because this one little girl keeps getting really upset when she cant help me#like shell ask to help and i wont have a task (or ive run out bc shes already helped) shes capable of so i tell her that#and thank her for being thoughtful and helpful. admittedly the first time this happened i was really frustrated w her already#bc she had made a huge mess doing something i told her not to do and then didnt want to clean it up and she only came back#and asked to help because her friend had been helping me. so i was like girl. you didnt even clean up the last mess#but i also had nothing for her to do. anyway she started screaming and hid under a table so then her friend did it sith her just. because.#idk kids will see their friend freaking out and they do it too. and i understand it but my god. i dont deal well with really loud noise#and she did it again yesterday. i let her help me and then i ran out of tasks and she started crying and saying i never let her help#and for some reason there were like 6 other kids in there all wanting to help so then several of them started freaking out#and i could not handle it. i literally told my coworker like im about to cry right now lmao#and later the little girl was like wanting to hug me and talk to me and acting like nothing happened and i found myself wanting to withdraw#like i was feeling like i wanted to avoid her and not speak to her or be cold but i also knew i didnt want to treat her that way#and i took a couple minutes by myself and thought about why i felt that way‚ what the effects of that would be‚ and how the kid felt#and i really just had to remind myself that she was feeling just as many emotions as i was but that shes only had 6 years#to learn how to manage them and deal with them in a productive way. she wasnt trying to upset me. she wasnt trying to make me mad#she was just dealing with her emotions in the only way she knew how. and im an adult and if she can get over it i really need to get over it#long ass tag story sorry
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saw a post on here about making friends as an adult and i feel conflicted cuz like, overall i agree that all you have to do is get the courage to show up and get the ball rolling by talking to people/getting their numbers even if it feels cringe or 'wrong' to do so however i can't help but raise my eyebrow at the 'act like they're already your friend' part because some people lean way to into that to the point where they forget we're not actually friends yet which inevitably leads to them saying/doing something that's pretty out of line so like. yes put yourself out there, talk to them and get to know them but please remember that people need to actually like, warm up to each other which could take weeks of speaking to them regularly at minimum
#like. idk maybe i'm getting hung up on semantics#but if someone i barely know calls me their friend or bestie or w/e off the rip it just makes me want to keep a distance from them#bc i don't trust their intentions#i'm kind of an extreme case bc my brain is wired in a way that it takes me like. a year for me to comfortably call someone a friend#but even then i recognize i'm an extreme case and ive warmed up to people in less time than that so it just Depends on the person/situation#thinking about how someone early this year randomly dm'd me asking for help on something and when i said 'yeah sure'#they started going on about how i'm great friend for always helping people out amongst other random positive things which made me go ???#bc i never spoken to them or hung out with them so i had no idea what their basis was for saying that. so their words came off as fake#like they were trying to use flattery to get on my good side or something#externally i was cordial n saying 'thanks' but internally i was like: ?? who are you? why are you talking to me like that?#i've had diff ppl do this to me later on in the year and it never not creeps me out#similar vein ppl i don't know will do that thing where theyre rude in a 'friend way'but it doesn't creep me out so much as it pisses me off#and 9/10 these people always turn out to be not good people to be around so#yap fest over thanks for reading if you got this far.#ik i went on a tangent for a bit but reminder that i think the general advice of putting urself out there is good#i just think people lean too into the over-familiarity sometimes and need to remember to slow down a lil bit#bc before you're close friends with anyone you're still strangers/acquaintances with them first#strike.txt
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we dont talk enough about how the narrator of misery business is a loser
#i try to ignore it bc the song goes but sometimes its truly undeniable to me. shes so smug when its a song about how shes a rebound.#the sticking point for me is the line 'she finally set him free' like. the girl the song is aimed at broke up with the guy???#she doesnt even want him hayley he left you for her and then came crawling back when she dumped him. WHY ARE YOU SMUG#you lost!! i have a similar problem w taste by sabrina carpenter where im like why are you so proud you are the loser here.#and in both cases i dont think it was intentional hayley said misery business was just her being a jealous teenager#avpost#at least in taste's defense the narrator might be a side chick but i always assumed she was an ex.#but in misery business its undeniable he wants her more than you!! she rejected him and youre the second choice. babes.#and the tone is like. you are so proud rubbing it in the face of a girl who could not care less.#i imagine the hourglass body girl has the same response of 'i dont want your man. idk why you even want your man' as jolene did.
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literlaly terirble night last night
#first of all the gay party was capped and me and my friend were devastated cuz we were so ready to make out w girls#second of all i went to the other frat that me and my gf met at and guess what. i fucking saw her there#id been there before sinc ewe came back but ive never seen her so far there but idk what i was expecting#not only that but we literally met at the drink station as in full relapse of last sem when we also said hi there and hit it off#so mebarrsing#not only that btu this frat was so good last sem but now its ass so the music wasnt even fun and i wasnt feeling it#and then these ASSHOLE GUYS are mocking me for being an english major. that REALLY pissed me off#AND THEN on my way back im waiting for the bus and she and ehr friends pull up tot he bus stop too#and then i got back to my dorm and just sobbed for like an hour and wandered around voice memoing my friends sobbing#like its so humilaitng its so fukced up how much our breakup is impacting me why cant ijust move on#i know its been like 4 weeks but comeon . im sor eady to be over her i hate feeling this dread#AND THEN im finally like you know closing my suite door and the lock jams so im fidgeting with it and one of her friend makes eye contact w#me. SHE DOESNT EVEN LIVE IN TEH SAME BUILDING AS ME!!! WHY WAS SHE THEREEEE#and i literally have tears all over mye yes and i had no idea she was coming so we just made ey contact and then i shut teh door
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Also lol, my dad's wife blocked all of my family on fb and it's soooo funny she did that the week before my dad's burial. Especially when she's the whole reason it's been postponed to 9 fucking months after his death.
#my 6 siblings & i have a group text and today they were all like uhh did she block us all? we can't see her profile anymore#like i already unfriended & blocked her back in june idk why you guys were all still friends w/ her or even care lol#she's never been fb friends w/ my boyfriend so i had him look her up & he can still see her profile so yeah she definitely blocked everyone#like omg is she finally going to leave me & my family the fuck alone???? we haven't had peace since she came along in 1998#she's just not a good person. like pure evil i'm not even joking. she's extremely abusive manipulative & violent#i'm the only one of my siblings that actually had to live w/ her & have her in a parental/guardian role over me for 8 years#my sister moved out once the abusive crap started & the rest of my siblings were adults w/ their own families at the time#she really fucked w/ my head & screwed me up with all her bullshit & i'm finally able to work on processing it all & unlearning all the#fucked up things she did to me so this is why i can't bring myself to attend my dad's burial. i can't allow myself to see her again#she was still trying to play her mind games w/ me in february like this woman will not give it up#anyway good fucking riddance to this bitch lol#p
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they decided to have a night out at the bonzai lounge, and bronson got a wish to be a father again... 😌
#ts3#ts3 legacy#ts3 gameplay#i thought they would only have samson#but bronson saw noelle and instantly wanted another kid#and who am i to stop them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#they are so in LOVE#did i ever tell you guys how they came to be? probably not#scroll away if you do not care! i promise it's okie (^:#...................alright so noelle was dating another guy#he was quite immature and i noticed that he was kind of using her fame? he'd have parties that were super lame but noelle would come#and make out with her AUTONOMOUSLY#and i was like.........................................#they had lots of chemistry so i didn't think it would be a big deal#but then one fateful night after she watched a movie#she stumbled into bronson? he was just chilling outside the theater as sims do#i was like hey he's cute! and hey noelle is trying to befriend vampires right now! (she was kind of obsessed but idk why)#bronson ended up being super sweet#and always there for her#and so when noelle got in a fight w/ him and he didn't even try to patch it up#her bf at the time*#she broke up with him. and bronson came over so late at night to comfort her#she ended up feeling things for him and they flirted and stuff#made out#and had rebound woohoo 🤠 except they were both actually into each oter#so they started dating#he eventually moved in because their schedules didn't align (little did i know he was a festival worker lol)#and you guys saw when he proposed!#so yeah :O#if you read this............................... big hug
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crazy how i have no one
#like yes i have my internet friends and i adore them ofc#but i have no fucking one irl#and i mean no one. my mom’s side of the family is all dead and the other side is uber christian and doesnt give a fuck about us#i only have my brother#and i need help and support so horribly bad but i wasnt there for him when he needed me#so why the hell should he be there for me. he shouldnt#im going to have to rely on myself this time and i cant do that#i dont trust or believe in myself whatsoever#i think im fucking horrible and useless and repulsive#and idk how to be nice to myself bc ive never felt that and i dont know how to self soothe#i dont have the energy physically or mentally or emotionally to learn#and idk what to lean on anymore if i want to quit abusing substances#realized recently how much i do that.#and for how long. a decade. ive been acting like a 13 yo this whole time#idk how to move past and grow up. god i absolutely need to see my therapist again. if she’ll have me#i fear ill be rejected tho ive left and came back several times and last time she said ‘ofc ill take you back youre my person’#whatever that means. ive been an anomaly to every therapist/psych ive been to apparently they all mention how weird i am and how they cant#figure me out. like damn me too doc!#i want to email her so bad but i wont be able to see her until my insurance goes thru and i dont want to get free labor out of her if i dump#all the trauma ive sustained since i last saw her on her yw#but i want to get better i dont want to live like this anymore i cant do it#any of it#my coping mechanisms are all self destructive and i want to grow past that#but i need help and i dont have it. not really#whatever i guess. first step call and see wtfs going on w my insurance#i feel like i need help even for that . i feel so utterly incapable of everything snd i always have#i can do it. i can do it
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how would u feel if i told u i have all 5 main free! iwatobi swim club guys in two completely different runs of gacha figure keychains
#one set is still in their individual gacha capsules so unfortunately those ones are not free#however the other set each one came w a little stand for their feets so i stood them up on a shelf#i also have 4 utapris and they r rough bcus i actually used them as keychains in high school lmao#the last figure-esque thing i have is a futami ami nendo from an im@s blind box i got from forbidden planet during college#idk why i bothered i dont think that group run even had chihaya#just no one in the us talks abt im@s u kno ig i was just thrilled to see official merch at all
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i need to stop saying "i would rather die" whenever i don't wanna do smth. like yeah bitch we know. you'd rather do that over literally everything stfu
#only time this came in handy is when i was inching towards a major breakdown#and my husband tried to help me figure out like. what i would actually want to do instead of dying rn#sometimes it helps. esp when the way i'd rather do is accessible at that second. or i can set it up for later#the thing** jfc idk why i said way. i need to go to bed#wanting anything feels impossible#and yet i always want so much#it's less about the will itself and more the knowledge it's unlikely i'll get what i want#that makes my brain pavlov its way out of wanting anything#does that make sense.#and so i end up rotting for hours and hours or days or weeks bc i can't bring myself to want anything ever#even when i do want anything i simply don't have enough willpower to wait or work towards it rip......#like my mom always says that getting what i want when i want it is bad bc then there's no anticipation or w/e#but. i don't have that i think. if i gotta wait to get what i want i will simply stop wanting it#unless it's one of those huge life dreams i've been holding onto for years lol#man now i'm just rambling. idk. i'm sad. sorry#vent#negative //
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when will aup sidestories return from war and stop leaving me bitter about how the main story ended
#lumensis' characterization & death + the revelation of ludgers desire were extremely anticlimactic#700+ chapters of building up only to have the resolution forcefully/hastily crammed into. what. 2 and 1/2 chapters?#and am i supposed to care for his relationship with his mom when it didnt come up in 99% of the novel?#tbh it had *many* opportunities to come up but the author wanted to keep ludgers desire as mysterious as possible#and so it lost its chance to have any emotional buildup#well other than the implications of regrets which were frankly a bit oversaturated in the novel#(again. what happened to the 'show dont tell' principles)#honestly even occasional flashbacks to ludgers mom teaching him about all kinds of myths and lores when its relevant#would have helped in this aspect plus showcased his growth and development over time even when its off screen#(doesnt make his vast knowledge look like it conveniently came out of nowhere)#while also greatly enhancing the world building of his game breaking 'real magic'#anyway i think ludgers reconciliation w his mother would have been more impactful if ludgers past life came up more often#hell it would have done wonder in exploring his depth if we are going with framing his past lifestyle as a flaw#the thing about ludger as a character is that his past (in both worlds) is much more interesting than his present#bc its the only way we can see how he mentally changed in comparison as his changes are nearly non existent in the present timeline#(a part of the reasons why ludgercaseys relationship over time is an appealing topic is that it showcases both of their changes)#(reading about a protagonist who has no mental changes over the course of the story is no different than watching... a nature documentary)#im still v salty about how we never get to see arpas and bettys reconciliation btw#so do emotional closures between ludger and other characters#those are literally the meat of the story that would be worthy of their own arc#sayren why the hell did you rush through them and put them off screen#in the end instead of proving that he has finally learnt his lessons by confronting his emotions ludger chose to run away from it yet again#even if we are to assume that is whats gonna happen post epilogue why is his change accomplished by a goddamn last minute timeskip#(that is also lowkey a failed suicide attempt in disguise)#instead of what could have been... idk... a banger novel named aup#good christ#rant
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i hate that duality that your mind can be your safe heaven that helps you get through some difficult things, keeps you going and brings you happiness at the worst of times. and at the very same time it could be your worst tormentor that won't let you rest and won't let you breathe, literally for no particular reason at all. and you can't leave or silence it. can't get it to stop when it gets dark in there. can't get the light in when you desperately need to feel a respite instead of suffocation.
#its so difficult#sometimes its too much to handle#yeah particularly today im just.. screaming internally#and the inability to do something YOU LOVE due to your brain having one of those bad days so everything feels fucking BAD is just so unfAIR#its frustrating#the only thing you can do is sob apparently#my room doesnt feel like my room anymore all i feel is fear and dread#i just dont understand why and how it came to this point i want out#nothing grounds me to reality or to my normal state and im afraid#instead of watch fav movie to get better ill count the duration time and decide thats its too long i dont have that much time#i will be painfully aware of numbers and wb scared of them and then ill just not move at all immobilized at place#i cant#all i could do is desperately bother my friends trying to connect to them and hiding that obvious ache#i dont have capacity to soothe myself with my favorite guys and gals from games and movies i dont feel anything at all#and i hate that but also i cant do anything im so idk what i feel like but like im not anything#i lost myself i lost my favorite things to do and my hobbies and my spark and everything i dont even know anymore#on small bad days you could conjure a good thoughts and watch somethinf and think about what makes you happy#theres a void in my head now that just counts and counts and counts and cant do nothing#i will just open up a chat w friends and look at empty textspace i want to connect so badly but i wont send anything just freeze still#i dont feel that im in here but i want badly to be here and yet i cant grasp anything to still keep myself real#and like i have a feeling that in next 2 hours I'll just vanish spmething bad will happn carcrash orso i cantbe spendin much timeon anythin#i hate this#suddenly your brain just want you dead and fills you with dread unimaginable and my dumbass thinks that it's right#that my brain is right and im inclined to believe in this shit. im not but deep down i kind of is so thats why this anxiety causes me probl#ms for the whole week i didnt done anything i just could not i want it to stop#its so sure of itself that i will pass away in couple of hours by unknown reasons that it imagined so why even try
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