#idk when i last smoked weed its been more than a week and i havent even cared or noticed

[notwaitinginthecorner]

I was cranky but then I found a rly good job listening even tho it's in Boston. Instead of hoarding potential listings and trying to apply all at once which is wicked overwhelming im just gonna apply to this one for now and honestly I'm feeling much better. Gonna grab some white claws in a bit too bc I keep forgetting just how fucking much I now hate svedka and juice

[wild-forest-bee]

I feel the need to make a vent post. idk if anyone will see it, but telling ppl in my life just feels like blaming them, so feel free to interact

I've been homeless for 4 years now. no problem there per se. but without the duties of school and work, im left to decide for myself. Im (thankfully) not american so working while being in school was not so common, but i never got a cent in allowance so it was worth it at first.

they say to properly heal from burnout you need way longer than what time you have. im still trying to stop faking it and start making it. being a 19yo burnout is all fine and edgy until youre 22 unemployed homeless and without any degree and you still feel like doing two (2) tasks a day is a lot. i feel like i got the perfect depression-adhd cocktail where if i dont do what i want all day every day i might start killing ppl, but if i do i might as well be a rotting log in the forest

i have the chance to get top surgery but i feel my depression making me fumble it. "who cares what you look like. without your tits youre just fat. no point in changing anything" I also know for a fact that it wont make me less depressed but it makes me anxious to think that, if i let it pass, ill have to jump through the hoops again to get where i am now.

im just in so much pain every day from walking, sometimes just sitting. when i lay down, its my shoulders. probably something to do with joints. i also got scabies from some irresponsible guests, so i havent touched skin in over a month now and i feel my grip on my feelings slipping. not being allowed to touch my partner is putting a strain in our relationship and general wellbeing. as a countermeasure, I also have to be very careful about textiles, wich sucks because most of my hobbies revolve around fabric.

i just feel like living death.

either no appetite or binge eating, either way tummy pain. cant deal with groups but feeling lonely. body feeling worse every day. everything around me seems to get more complicated every day. i always tried to seem open and welcoming but i feel forgotten

at least i quit smoking weed last winter. they say the best time to quit was 20 years ago and my asthma is probably happy abt it but... bye bye sleeping routine

even as i write this post i couldnt be sleeping because i have to hit the wall (/lit) every time i hear the rats biting at my caravan or else theyll get in and start eating my food and shitting on my pillow (yay skin care!!) who wants pets when you have [INTRUDER ALERT]

ill have to look at the hole in the morning, but working inside a metal box during the day in 35°+ weather is not appealing. also have to cut the bushes so i dont have to suffer a thousand nettle stings, also cook and eat something and maybe I'll have the energy to shower like i wanted to since last week

if you get down here and wonder if i have a gofundme or smth give it to a palestinian and talk with me instead

[ahmuteun]

1-140 :)

I switched the format to bullets cause numbers were annoying to deal with lol sorry

3 Fears 

not graduating on time/ failing

idk i dont have many fears

3 things I love

my dog

my family

my friends

2 turns on

im not gonna include being attractive cause that feels like a given so sense of humor

plays piano or guitar

2 turn offs

being an asshole

bad hygine 

My best friend

cat and jen

Sexual orientation

bi

How tall am I

5′2

What do I miss right now

idk no one really cause i got to see my family today and i just got back from seeing jen

i guess jacob and tim?

Favourite color

blue!! :D

Do I have a crush

lmfao no

Favourite place

my college town

What am I listening to right now

a lets play lol

Shoe size

7 or 6.5 depending

Eye color

brown

Hair color

black/ dark brown

Meaning behind my URL

alliteration lol

Favourite song

i have too many

Favourite band

shinee? i dont really know lately

How I feel right now

sleepy lmao

Someone I love

my brothers and mom

My current relationship status

hoe lmao

My relationship with my parents

good with one and not so good with the other

Favourite season

fall or spring

Tattoos and piercing i have

tattoo on my forearm and one piercing on each ear

Tattoos and piercing i want

tattoos: theres a few lol

piercings: none

The reasons I joined Tumblr

because it looked like fun and for fandoms

Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?

i get goodnight texts/ snaps sometimes 

Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

no

How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

it depends, anywhere from 10 minutes to 45 

Have you shaved your legs in the past three days?

yep

Where am I right now?

jaden’s room

Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

reasonable but sometimes loud

Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

i live in my apartment at school but other than that with my momma

Am I excited for anything?

this festival thing next weekend but also lowkey worried for it lmao

Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

uhh yeah i do

How often do I wear a fake smile?

whenever im uncomfortable i guess

If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

someone who will pay off my tuition and loans

What do I think about most?

freaking out drama stuff i guess?

although thats mainy just been these past few weeks

Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

i only really like being in front aslong as it’s with other people

What was the last lie I told?

ummm probably something about my drinking or “love life” to my family

Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

i dont mind either but probably phone call so i dont have to worry about what i look like

Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

lol ghosts, oh the irony

but yes to both

Do I believe in magic?

nah

Do I believe in luck?

ehhh kind of

What’s the weather like right now?

hot as balls and im not here for it

What was the last book I’ve read?

im reading the simpsons and their mathematical secret rn and i like it a lot

Do I have any nicknames?

way too many lmao

Do I spend money or save it?

it used to be save but as of lately ive been spending way too much money sooooooooooo lol fuck me

Can I touch my nose with a tounge?

nope

Favourite animal?

my doggo

What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

talking to jen

What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

idk twice songs i guess??

What is my favorite word?

i dont have one

My top 5 blogs on tumblr

idk lol 

everyone i follow, how about that lmao

If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

stay hydrated and i take donations

Do I have any relatives in jail?

not to my knowledge

What is my current desktop picture?

isnt it so cute? :D

Had sex?

yeah

Bought condoms?

yeah

Gotten pregnant?

no thank fuck

Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?

nope

Had job?

yes i had job

Smoked weed?

nope, but my mates want me to smoke with them next weekend

Smoked cigarettes?

nope

Drank alcohol?

yepppp lmfao

Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

nahh

Been overweight?

not technically

Been underweight?

nah

Gotten my heart broken?

nope

Been to prom?

yep

Been in airplane?

yep

Learned another language?

yep

Wore make up?

almost everyday

Dyed my hair?

nah, i thought about it tho but i bitched out

Had a surgery?

um i mean my wisdom teeth got removed, does that count?

Met someone famous?

yeah i did on two occasions it was dope

Stalked someone on a social network?

i think so? idk

Been fishing?

yeeeee

Been rejected by a crush?

ive never shot my shot nor have i had an actual crush in years so no

What do I want for birthday?

realistically, nothing

Do I like my handwriting?

eh i mean it’s okay but not really

Where do I want to live when older?

idk but i wanna stay on the east coast

Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?

sneaking out: no cause ive never snuck out, not technically i guess

doing something bad: i mean it depends on your definition of “getting caught” but yes

wait it’s a definite yes lmao whoops

What I’m really bad at

everything probably lol

but specifically lying i guess

What my greatest achievements are

choreographing modern with chris in march and it went really well i was so proud of my dancers

idk if this counts but this past year i partied with some of our schools football players and lydia paek told me that she wants some of my butt so basically i’ve peaked 

The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me

honestly idk, i probably agreed with them 

What I’d do if I won in a lottery

pay off my loans/ debt

pay off my mom and brothers’ debt

get my mom a house and vacation to the phillipines cause she really wants to go

get my mates gifts

invest

What do I like about myself

uuuuummmmmmmm 

My closest Tumblr friend

idk lol

Any question you’d like?

lol welp

Are you outgoing or shy?

in the middle i guess but probably more on the outgoing side

What kind of people are you attracted to?

attractive people with nice smiles i guess??

Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

lmfao god no

Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

nah but it depends on the context 

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

my mom and brother??

What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“rip”

What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

eric nam - honestly

amine - heebiejeebies

hyorin - dally

blackpink - ddu du ddu du idk how its spelled

john mayer - new light

hayley kiyoko - what i need

cardi b - i like it

yoon mi rae’s entire gemini 2 album

this is more than five i know but theyre all bops and u should listen to them if you havent already

Do you like it when people play with your hair?

yes but only if i know them

Do you think there is life on other planets?

yes, even if it’s just bacteria

Do you like bubble baths?

no i actually really dont like baths

Do you like your neighbors?

i dont really know them

Where would you like to travel?

korea/ asia

Favorite part of your daily routine?

talking to my mates

What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

which part aren’t i uncomfortable with lmao

What do you do when you wake up?

turn off my alarm or look at my phone usually

Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

well my arms got tanner cause i drive with my arm out the window so i wish my arms were lighter so it would match the rest of my body again lol

Do you ever want to get married?

lmfao can we not talk about future commitments?

cause no probably not

If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

do u mean is my hair long enough? cause yes

Would you rather live without TV or music?

tv

Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

yeah when i was like 12

What are your favorite stores to shop in?

forever21, and h&m probably

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

it depends on the situation

Do you smile at strangers?

sometimes

Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

well i mean the cat is already out of the fucking bag for the one thing (well one of the things) i was desperately trying to hide soooooo

Ever wished you were someone else?

when i was younger but not in recent years

Favourite makeup brand?

for foundation i like fenty and tarte

for lipstick smashbox and i also liked kat vond but she is against vaccienes sooooooo

Last thing you ate?

chips lol

Ever won a competition? For what?

idk

Ever been in love?

i thought i was but eehhh i dont know anymore oh well 

Facebook or Twitter?

twitter

Twitter or Tumblr?

i use twitter more so twitter

Are you watching tv right now?

nah

What colour are your towels?

white

Favourite ice cream flavour?

i dont have a favorite

First person you talked to today?

uummmm my mom?

Last person you talked to today?

chris

Name a person you hate?

i dont hate people but im really pissed with justin rn

Name a person you love?

my mom

Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

fuCKING JUSTIN

Do you tan a lot?

lmao no

Have any pets?

yes and i love him

Do you type fast?

eh its a moderate speed

Do you regret anything from your past?

lmao yepppp

Ever broken someone’s heart?

oooohhhhhhh boy, yeah kind of....

Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

no

Is cheating ever okay?

on people, no

Do you believe in true love?

idk

What your zodiac sign?

gemini

Do you believe in ghosts?

i answered this already

Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“geeky mathematician with a master’s degree. By contrast, when he” from the simpsons and their mathematical secrets :D

[i-amusemyself]

All categories. Every question.

Bloody hell!! 😂 Who on earth wants to know so much about me?? This could either be great or terrible! Thanks!Quick facts:1. Age: 182. Gender: Non binary i guess3. Sexual orientation: bi/pansexual but its complicated4. Zodiac sign: libra5. Best friend: @only-slightly-dangerous6. Height: 5'11" last time I checked7. Favourite colour: black.8. Hobbies: sleeping, self loathing and memes. In that order.9. Shoe size: 710. Eye colour: brownHave I... (this is gonna be a short section)1. Had sex? Nope2. Kissed someone in the rain? Nope3. Had a job? Yup! 3. I now have none smh4. Smoked weed? Nope5. Done drugs? Nope6. Drank alcohol? Yuup7. Broken a bone? Yuup, a couple8. Self harmed? Yh :/9. Caught sneaking out? Lmao nope10. Been in love? Doubt it, but I've loved very strongly.This or that1. Good morning or good night texts? Good night texts are cute as hell but they make me kinda sad so I'll say good morning texts.2. Sweet or salty? Sweet3. Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate4. Fancy dates or casual dates? Casual dates all the way!!5. Airplane or drive? Drive6. Mountains or beach? ...mountains are cold but beaches have sand sooo? Both and also neither.7. Baths or showers? Baths! I miss baths!!8. Blonds or brunetts? Brunetts. I don't have *that* much of a type, but I never seem to go for blonds.9. TV or music? I love them both? ...ill say music.10. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? Mean girls. No question about it.Last...1. Person you kissed: idfk i havent kissed anyone, family or otherwise, in ages2. Text you sent: "you on your wayy??"3. Person you texted: my friend rowan4. Show you watched: doctor who5. Time you cried: a week ago ish?6. Song you listened to: always something by cage the elephant7. Shoes you wore: some black converse8. Thing you ate: chocolate 😄9. Thing you bought: does a bus ticket count?10. Time you took a selfie: this morning,, but we're talking unflattering via snapchatDo you...1. Tan easy? I dont go outside enough to know 😂2. Regret anything? There are a lot of things I wish never happened, but they kinda made me who I am sooo...I'd say most things I regret are things I've said and things I haven't.3. Want to get back with your last ex? I think its easier as friends, in the best way possible.4. Have trust issues? Hoo boiiiii yeah.5. Like chinese food? It's a fave!6. Believe in love at first sight? Nah, attraction at first sight though.7. Sleep with your door open or closed? Its open just a tiny tiny bit so I don't make noise if I leave my room but I still feel safe8. Type fast? I'd say so yeah9. Have pets? Yup!! 2 bunnies that I love sooo much and a crackers cocker spaniel called borris!!10. Smile at strangers? Yeah! I mean, im awkward af but if i catch their eye then sure, you never know who might need itSex and romance? (This sections gonna be even shorter)1. Relationship status: single as usual2. Are you a virgin? Yeah 3. Ever cheated? Been cheated on? I could never cheat, I've seen what it does to people and it makes me so so mad. And nah, thankfully.4. How many people have you slept with? See 2.5. Given oral sex? Recieved it? Nah6. Hot make up sex or slow romantic sex? ...would need experience to decide 7. Worst sex you've had: see 28. Best sex you've had: see 29. Ever had sex with more than one person at a time? See 210. Rate yourself as a lover on a scale of 1-10? 1.Someone you...1. Miss: ummm... no one majorly. I guess theres someone i like id love to see2. Love: my best friend3. Trust: i trust like 2 people in this world- see one and two.4. Live with: my mum5. Have kissed: my ex i guess6. Have slept with: no one7. Hate: besides trump, theres a couple of people that have fucked me over that still make my blood boil.8. Idolize: Kaitlyn Alexander 😶9. Need: idk, friends in general. 10. Have known for years: girl at my sixth form called ella; ive known her since before i could talk.Miscalleneous1. What did the last text you sent say? "AAAAAAAAA" ~ I got sent a cat video.2. Have you ever done a prank call? Probably when I was like 8 but nothing very successful!3. If you're drunk and can't stand, who's taking care of you? I wish I knew 😂 4. How long does it take you to get ready in a morning? An hour and a half, at least. That's excluding time for picking clothes and doing makeup etc.5. Behind the camera or infront of it? Behind6. Last book you read? The Five People You Meet in Heaven, but it was last summer!7. How can someone win your heart? Be so authentically yourself that I can be me too. And be honest.8. Did you lose your virginity before 18? Nah9. Do you like your handwriting? When I'm not rushing, sure10. Do you play any musical instruments? I'm grade 8 at the kazoo11. Where do you want to live when you're older? I kinda want to move to canada or denmark! So long as I'm living with some I love its all good!12. What's something you like about yourself?.......bloody hell....erm......I guess I like that I always try. I don't really know how I do it, but I'll always find that extra bit of energy if needed.13. Whats something that drives you crazy about yourself? Just like who I am as a person 😂😂😂 nah, erm, I hate it when I can't communicate what I'm thinking irl (im okay if I'm typing). Things tend to come out wonky and in the wrong tone or meaning the wrong thing and I just beat myself up over it for the rest of the week.14. Closest friend on tumblr? @only-slightly-dangerous what a surprise!15. Do you think you'll be in a relationship 2 months from now? I should be so lucky 😂16. Do you like when people play with your hair? Yaaaas17. Top 5 songs right now? Bloody hell, erm, right at this second? In no particular order: -Rats- Motionless in White-just basically the entire new miw album (as esp the eternally yours video 👀)-The Night We Met, piano version, on repeat.-No Rest For the Wicked by Cage the Elephant-Corpse Roads by Keaton Henson18. Spell your name with your chin: ywtkur. Wow.19. Trip to the bottom of the ocean or outer space? *banging fists on table* outer space!!!!! Yaaaaas!!

[alicedoessurveys]

93 Questions

1. When did you last leave your house? Where did you go and why? Yesterday, I went to beckets to get birthday cakes for dad

2. Has anyone ever accused you of trying to steal their boyfriend/girlfriend? Nope

3. Does your best friend smoke cigarettes? Not that I know of

4. Did your last received text message have a smiley face in it? Nope

5. Have your parents ever tried to talk to you about things like sex and contraception? Haha nope they know I’m not doing any of that stuff

6. Find your last text message from the opposite sex. Can you tell us what it says, or is the content too personal? Last message from a guy was from Addison earlier this week. He said “my legacy is safe” .. its a long story :’)

7. How about your last Facebook message from the opposite sex, what does that say? From a family friend called Tom. He sent me one of those copy & paste messages that are going around at the moment

8. You find out that your last ex is in a relationship with someone else, and it’s very serious. In fact, they’re planning to get married. Your reaction? I don’t have an ex

9. Do you think you will kiss someone tonight? Nope

10. What was on your mind before you went to bed last night? And what was on your mind when you woke up this morning? All thats on my mind at the moment is wondering when we’re getting our foster placement

11. Do you have any possessions that you’re very attached to, and you’d be absolutely devastated if you damaged or lost them? I have a lot of possessions that would make me devastated if they were lost or damaged..

12. Think about the last conversation you had with someone else, face to face or online. Who initiated the conversation? What did you talk about? How did you feel while you were talking to that person? With my mom, she’s sat in the same room as me now. We’re organising collecting things we’ve bought for the kids room

13. Have you done anything in the past week that you’re now embarrassed about? if I have then I’ve wiped it from my memory

14. Has anyone ever told you that they would always love you? Do you think that person meant it? Only family & I believe them

15. Have you ever told anyone that you would always love them? Did you mean it? Again, probably family & yeah

16. Say you just randomly got bored of sitting at your computer and got up and went out, where would you be most likely to go? probably to take the dogs to the park

17. If the last person you texted was walking out of your life, would you chase after them? Yah, she’s my mom

18. Who was the last person to call you beautiful, sweet, or cute? Mom last night

19. Can you remember the last time you couldn’t have something you really wanted? What was the reason? Idk

20. What color are the eyes of the last person that told you they loved you? Blue

21. What’s the naughtiest thing you’ve ever done, and you got away with it? Idk, I’m not very naughty haha..

22. Who was the last person of the opposite sex to make you smile? Are you attracted to that person? Idk probably dad or sis’ boyf last night at dad’s birthday meal. Nope I’m not cause they’re family

23. You’re awake at 2 am talking to someone, who is it? No one

24. Can I call you home dawg? if you really want to

25. Are white walls boring? Nope I like them

26. Are you sleep deprived? Not really, I slept a lot this morning. Probably will be soon if we get a baby

27. Do you like kids? Depends what they’re like. I cant deal with kids that scream constantly or have tantrums over stupid shit

28. Is your favorite sport to watch the same as to play? Dont like watching sports

29. If I touched the last place on your body you touched would it be awkward? Yeah, I don’t like people touching my face

30. What sound does a duck make? Quack

31. Do you know what literature device that’s called? Onomatopea..?

32. Would other people rate your looks significantly different than your rating? Probably not

33. Let me guess, your last incoming call was from the opposite sex? Yup, rhys

34. Is it awkward when you run into your first ex? n/a

35. Was your last text message from a girl or boy? Girl

36. Who was the last person you texted? Mom

37. How do you feel about homosexual people? I have no opinion, its nothing to do with me how other people live their lives

38. Is your sister a slut? No

39. Your girlfriend/boyfriend buys you flowers, you say: Havent got a boyfriend, but if I did id say thank you

40. Can you play Guitar Hero? I have played it once ages ago, I liked it

41. Where is your biological father right now? At work

42. Can you whistle? Yup

43. Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? Yeah

44. Who were you last on the phone with? Rhys the other day

45. Do you like flavored teas? I don’t like tea

46. When you were younger, did you have a swing set or a playhouse in your backyard? I think I had a swing I can’t remember, I know I had a climbing frame slide things with a playhouse under it

47. Is your mall nice? its okay

48. What are you listening to? American horror story on telly

49. Do you burn incense? occasinally

50. Do you smoke weed? No, my neighbour does and it stinks

51. Do you like to post song lyrics for your Facebook status? No

52. Do you have a Sonic near you? If so, what’s your favorite drink from there? I don’t know what that is

53. Will you be voting in the presidential elections next time around? nope cause I’m in the UK

54. Do you go to the gym? Not anymore

55. Do you like Kid Cudi? Dont listen to him

56. Does being in love make you nervous? Never been in love so idk

57. Don’t you just love randomness? idk not really

58. Have you ever made a mistake in letting someone go? Nope

59. How do you feel about chocolate-covered strawberries? dont like the texture of strawberries

60. What was the last important thing that you thought about? probably Fostering

61. Did the last song you listened to hold any special meaning? Yeah, it was My Lighthouse by Rend Collective. It was always be special to me because its the song that I sung in my head to keep me calm during my driving test

62. Do you and your last ex hate each other? n/a

63. What’s irritating you right now? its freakin’ freezing in this house

64. Who was the last person you gave up on? Idk

65. Have you ever been so quiet that nobody noticed that you were there? Yeah, I make people jump a lot :’)

66. Did you ever stop having feelings for someone and then started having those feelings again for them? Yup :/

67. Do you stay home when you are sick or do you still go out? Stay home

68. Do you expect to be married in the next two years? Haha nope

69. What’s your current boy situation right now? no boyfriend

70. Do you hate the last guy you had a thing with? Not hate.

71. What’s your relationship with the person you last texted? Mom

72. Do you think that you’re a good person? I try

73. Have a best friend? Yup

74. Have you had more than 3 boyfriends at the same time? Nope

75. Do you have any plans for the weekend? Going to see the strictly come dancing live show :)

76. Are you in a good mood right now? not bad

77. What are you looking forward to in the next three months? Yupppp

78. Do you like your hair? since I got it cut, yah! Plus, I curled it yesterday so its nice and wavy today

79. What’s your most valuable memory of the first month of this year? Probably New Years day with my fam

80. Were you single for your last birthday? Yup

81. How’s your love life? Non existent

82. Could you date someone taller than you? Yes please

83. What’s the closest black thing to you? The keyboard on my laptop

84. Are you happier now or a month ago? probably a month ago because it was nearly Christmas

85. Have you kissed someone with braces? Nope

86. Do you ever wonder how other people see you? All the time

87. Does anyone have feelings for you right now? Doubt it

88. Will this weekend be a good one? Yah!

89. Who’s your favorite redhead? dont really have a fave redhead..

90. Does anyone disgust you? Terrorists and people who abuse animals

91. Is there someone that you used to talk to every single day but you don’t now? Yup..

92. Is this the best year of your life? Hope so

93. When was the last time you were sun burned? Can’t remember, I don’t really catch the sun

[goddess-complex]

8/29: first day back, long ass personal journal entry

my first day back at school has been amazing. i procrasstinated packing (of course:P) so i was up all night stuffing suitcases and at some point, i put on a channel called METV cause it was playing an episode of alfred hitchcocks show and ended up losing the remote and spent several hours in a sleep deprived, early AM twilight zone of packing while weird old sitcoms kept playing?? like the facts of life, and this weird show about a teacher and the donna reed show and one show about a train?? a family who runs a hotel near a train? then at like 5 am i love lucy came on, by that point, i was practically delirious. but i went shopping with my mom and got shoes and wine and hair stuff and then came home, my brother made eggs and my sister made sausage and we just ate breakfast and i said bye to everyone and left with my dad. i was feeling a liiiittle sentimental and eating my leftover frozen cookie dough custard in the car but then i knocked out while we were in NYC and woke up in CT. getting to hartford and getting back to campus was actually so nice. 

unloading the first bags, i saw the CUTEST, TINIEST LITTLE CORGI PUPPY!!!! SHE WAS SO SMALL!! the guy walking her was a fuking angel or smthn idk and i was so happy to just pet her!! two of my roommates (the two im closest friends with sarah and matt) were home when i got there and we said hi and my dad helped me unpack. then my dad took me to walgreens to pick up some stuff (i realized i forgot my toothbrush and showercap while we were ten minutes away from home) and he gave me some money and left. its always a little sad, initially, being left without all of ur family?? like you know? even if they bug you, like, you spend so much time with them thats its a little disconcerting to suddenly be 2.5 hours away in another state without any of them. and im very attached to familiarity (taurus rising, cap moon!!!) so being at home where i spent 16 years of my life is very natural and comforting to me, idk. im trying to get over it a little, bc its limiting to me, i wish i felt as comfortable in new places as i do at home, anywayyy

i really love the apartment. we only have two folding chairs for living room furniture lol but we’re going shopping soon. the kitchen is full of food and appliances already cause everyone else moved in before me. theres two full bathrooms, the upstairs on has a tub! we have SO MUCH fucking closet space its amazing. im rooming with sarah and the room has 3 decent sized windows, plus one full floor to ceiling one near my bed! its cozy and it lets in a lot of light. we’re close to the campus market and subway and not at all far from the academic buildings, its like, perfect. i half-assed unpacked a little, my other roommates, ryan and chris came back and everything was just really chill.

 so then, sarah and matt were talking about smoking and our friend liam came through because he happened to see sarah through the window. so the 4 of us grinded up liams weed and made tea and just chilled listening music. theres this big ass bag of mini chocolates that i have eaten like 7 giant handfuls of. i hit up my bud guy, and went over to get a dub (a hugeee dub) and got lost trying to find his apt lol. i stopped to say hi to my drama club friends and find out THEY ALL LIVE 2 APARTMENTS DOWN FROM ME!! its literally 3 apartments in a row thats all my friends!!! i live so close to my favorite people on campus its so cool. 

but i got back and matt had gone to bed cause they have an early class. so me sarah and liam smoked in our room. then liam left, and sarah went to bed but my OTHER friend kaia came through! she dropped out to go to a community college but she lives near the school so shes on campus a lot. and ryan and chris were up, so i poured everyone huuuge glasses of the wine i brought and ryan gave me some mac and cheese and we just hung out. i was really obviously high but like it was ok?? theres so much freedom in the village (the dorms where i live) i love it, its amazing. so kaia brought her dog lilli and it was so fun. we ended up going outside to smoke a cig and drink boujie wine spritzers i made with like, 7up and white wine (which were surprisingly good?) and ran into some of my drama friends, (different) chris and katey. so 4 of us just sat outside and chatted then MORE people came by, a DIFFERENT liam who kaia’s good friends with and his gf jackie who i know from a club we have together. and this kid andrew from rugby. so liam invited us over to his to smoke (again!!) and we went and he had flavored papers and we just chilled with his roommates and smoked in his room. so im SLUMPED at this point, remember i only slept for like 2 hrs in the car, so i go back to mine with kaia and we hang out for a bit. she has work at 6am (shes like, the captain of a row team or smthn?? but she gets paid? idek) so its like 12 or 1 and shes gonna sleep for a bit over in our living room until she has to leave. so i went to bed. it was SUCH  good first day, i just KNOW its gonna set the tone for the year!

so today is the first official day of classes and i still have to finish/ (start) registering..... i dont have a schedule yet....i figure ill do it today and start tomorrow, which is only one day late, so its not that bad right?? lol. i mean i KNOW its bad, but the consequences aren’t dire, i just have to find classes that are still open, which i registered late last time and it wasnt so hard to find open classes. thats my dirty secret of the moment lol, i have NO CLASS. so today i woke up early a little weed hungover (foggy brained ugh) and its such cool, gray weather. its almost 10 am.

i had a cup of coffee and my adderall and when im done writing this, im gonna shower and wash my hair. then i have to go around to different spots on campus to ask if they’re hiring. hopefully ill get a couple job applications. then/or before that, i have to go to housing and get my apartment keys (they were closed yesterday) then i figure ill probably come back home, hit up some of my friends i havent seen yet, and do some more unpacking/ laundry. 

around 4, im gonna take my stuff and go to starbucks for lunch and register for classes. then ill probably do some quick food shopping at the campus store. i have 1000 dining dollars for the semester so thats about $250 food budget per month, which is cool. i also have 100 dining hall swipes, but im probably gonna save those for eating with people. i feel like all the bad things about last year are gone. like, living in an apartment is so much better than a dorm. i just like living with people i actually like, know and can talk to. vs my roommate last year who got really fucking weird like 3 weeks in and we dead just stopped talking at all to each other whateverrr though, its a new year! 

after shopping im probably gonna come back, finish unpacking/ decorating/laundry and find out dates and times for club meetings and auditions cause i missed the club fair.  kaia’s coming over later bc i left my ipad in her bag, so we’ll probably do something or at least smoke. i have a really fat dub lmaoo. kaia knows so many people she just always has something going on. its gonna be a good day and a good year im optimistic, but realistic!! im gonna MAKE it a good year

[skiasurveys]

if you could have sex with any celebrity right now, who would it be? well he aint a celeb but an youtuber since i dont like celebrities..so maybe markiplier? if you had to have sex with one of your best friends who would it be? all of em ;) ever fallen in love with a friend?  well they all start off as friends did you end up getting together or not? nobody specif i mean my current bf and i were friends for  little while before we officalized it but it wasnt like we were just friends. ive never dated anyone where we were friends for a while then started to date.

if yes, how did you end up together? if no, why not? ^

have you ever been the other woman? No. we all have that one song that gets us pumped, what’s yours? i hate these questions cus i forget every song i know have you ever been to prom? did you have a good time? well we dont have prom in canada, well where i live but we did have a grad dance but i didnt go. But how my grad worked was we all got to dress up in nice dresses/tuxs for the dinner. so thats what i did. don’t you just hate it when someone is a boring texter? yES. usually i try to make a conversation.if they dont add i just stop texting. ever let someone use you knowing they were using you? Yep how many people have you slept with (sexually not actually sleeping)? one. how many of them were you actually in love with? one ever taken someone’s virginity? No. would you ever want to be with a virgin? if no, why not? no actually lol favorite song lyrics? i have lots but im too tired to think of em. do you constantly find yourself internet stalking your ex? no but sometimes i check their fb but like once in a blue moon. i dont care. if yes, how many times a day on average do you find yourself doing this? like i said, once in a blue moon. usually if im thinkin about them or something but last tme i checked was months ago cus i saw he got a new gf and i wanted to see what she looked like. and no not to be a dick either. so like, what’s your zodiac sign? Sagittarius 

what’s your favorite item of clothing you have & why? eh, nothing really. im bored of my clothes atm im in a desperate need to shop.. do you have anything to hide? my emotions are you friends with any of your exes? eh. not really. my one ex who always talked to me stopped texting me, thak fucking god it was so annoying.

given the chance would you take any of your exes back? No. do you have an addiction? to what? my phone do you like being taken or single more & why? taken. its just who i am i guess. i just like knowing i have someone there who i can be myself with and have a romantic relationship with.

being loud & obnoxious is fun huh? nope. do you feel like you’re sorta split personality? half & half? not really. I am just myself with people im comfortable with and then i have my professional self with work.etc lol do you act like your own gender or more like the opposite sex? wtf.. do you have more friends of the same sex or opposite? its kind of half and half.

blunts, bowls or bongs? eh. i smoked weed like 5 times soo.. favorite sexual position? idk. the one where he puts his dick in me

3 traits your dream partner would have? funny, loyal, empathetic  do you really care what people think of you? Yes when you have a fight with your partner what do you do? usually get worried that they might leave me cus im an insecure piece of shit, but we havent had a really bad fight, theres just been times where he is a dick. holiday closest to your birthday? christmas. scenario time.. you have a wedgie in public, you… fill in the blank. go to the wash room and fix who does the grocery shopping in your house? mom

are your parents still together? if no, do you wish they were? they would be if my dad didn’t die. have any siblings you know of but don’t actually know personally? no

greatest fear? losing someone i love again and suffocation something most people fear that you do not fear at all? spiders don’t you hate getting nice & comfy & then having to pee? yea  what do you think of porn & the people who watch it? i mean whatever, watch whatever but i just hate people who think that alot of the things they do in porn is normal.  (like rape play, hardcore bdsm..etc) when your friends mention you in fb statuses & tweets do you get happy? yeah how much does it really take to get you mad? not that much. would you date someone that your parents & friends didn’t approve of? depends do you have any regrets? Yes. are you always the one to apologize even if it’s not your fault? Yes ever lost friends because of a certain guy or girl? nope. ever used a legit sex toy before? nah never bought one before. ever questioned your sexuality? not really ever thought you were pregnant? one time i didnt get my period at all and it was 3 weeks late and i took 3 test and i wasnt pregnant but i was still freaking out and then i lightly spotted for a week..and then i didnt get my period til he next month, that was scary. ever faked being pregnant? who does this favorite song at the moment?  nothing ever had a major surgery performed on you? one do you actually like school lunches? the ones in high school were actuallly good. do you think you’re a boring person? no but i can be do you think you’re more or less a good person? i think  im a good person which of the 7 deadly sins are you guilty of? envy ever made a survey & then taken it yourself? yeah i did once haha do you think it’s possible to dislike all music?  some people just dont like music i guess. i think theyre crazy. what’s one thing you think everyone has in common? we all have to breathe oxygen. do you believe that there’s actually good in EVERYONE? well we all start good but it all depends during the age development.. what’s one thing that bothers you that probably wouldn’t bother most people?  need to  have tv on a even number of sound level do you believe in forever? no how many relationships have you been in? 4 including the one i am in do you ever want to get married? why or why not? I do. Because i want to lol do you believe in divorce? well i mean some people just cant stay married.

is there a song you can’t listen to without thinking of someone? Yeah. do you think a lot of the surveys on here are too alike? sometimes they all ask the same question how are you feeling right now? decent do you like being called babe, baby, hunnie, etc? I do like baby/babe but only from my boyfriend have you ever thought etc was actually ect? no do you have any sort of ongoing health problem? i dont think so

ever lost someone close to you? Yes my dad died ever been hit by a motor vehicle? actually yeah. when i was 8 i was hit by a car on my way to school lol can you play a musical instrument? I cant do you wish you did? I wish i wouldve joined band tbh

are you able to speak fluently in more than one language? No. ever self harmed in any way? Yes. do you prefer longer or shorter surveys? Medium to long. what is one word you just cannot pronounce? specific  if you could look like any celebrity who would you look like? Hmmmmmmm ever wish you were of the opposite sex? No. don’t you just love fun people? i guess. i just hate people who ALWAYS wanna do shit especially when youre tired and they almost force you to go out. is there that one person who you just CAN NOT seem to get over? no one currently so what’s your dream job? animator someone you can’t see yourself being able to live without? My boyfriend best & most favorite video game (pc or console) ever?  hmmm. depends. I really love Kingdom Hearts 2, or even Elder scrolls online but My fav game ever is The Last of Us  would you ever tattoo someone’s name on you? maybe my dads name but not really when people sing happy birthday to you do you feel awkward or happy? It’s so awkward. favorite thing about being in a relationship? having someone be there for you..and cuddles and oh sex favorite thing about being single? the freedom i guess? not having to worry about someone else, or worry about getting texts back lol ad also you can kind of go out and not worry if youre flirting idk. I hate when im talking to another guy and im afraid im leading them on, especially when im not. ever been hurt by someone you thought would never hurt you? Yes. don’t you hate it when people in relationships act single? it annoys me. Like whats the point of hiding shit? so is your hair dyed? Yep. but fading back sex is really good isn’t it? It sure is ever had a friends with benefits? no do you like trains :)? uhmmm do you think you have a pretty good singing voice? Nope. how about dancing, are you a good dancer? I am white. is intelligence a turn on for you? It’s good. i hate stupid guys lol do you like to feel powerful & in charge? No capricorns are the best aren’t they? I don’t believe in astrology. <--- same are you afraid to stand out? just a little.

[alittlehopealittlesmile-blog]

Depression settles.

   I don’t like to talk about this stuff, because i’m so tired of everyone acting like I’m always so depressed. I’m not always so depressed... I get depressed when things happen in my life that cause emotional pain or truama. But honestly, most of the time. I’m just unattached emotionally because i’ve been hurt to that point. But i’m not being one sided. And I understand It was probably the same for you. But I just need to get this out there.

      My whole life (until i turned 14), ever since I was a child. The only friend I had was my mom. The only person who ever did anything for me was my mom. I didn’t have nice things, a rich family, or anything like that. I lived everyday. I was abused, I went through a lot. But i mean, it comes to the simple thing of, everything in my life hurt me so bad and made me so miserable, before I even could understand the concept of death, at the age of 6-7, I attempted suicide for the first time. I ate an entire bottle of pills. And this feeling NEVER went away. Everyday, i cried. Everyday all i did was sleep because I was so sad. Everyday I felt so abandoned because after that, my mom took me to a mental institute and we never weere the same again.

     I went through this feeling of manic depression for most of my life. Until I just lost contact with my emotions all together. Then one day, after years of sadness. I found one person. Who completely pulled my out of the darkness. She saved me. She killed me. But if it wasn’t for her. I wouldn’t be here today. If it wasn’t for her, I would have never felt love, I would have never wore a smile, I would never have understand what it was like to actually be cared about and someone actually mean it. To me, it was and is the most greatest thing Ive ever had. And every single day, I look around, I walk to work, I always sit and ponder about her. I sit and think and think... i never really went anywhere because I spend everyday trying to recreate the best day of my life, the day I met you. Everytime I go to my moms house, I just look into our old bedroom window and the only thought that comes to my mind is, “that’s where we fell inlove... Thats where I lost my home...”

     Everytime I’m at work, i stare at the bar next to the drinks just thinking to myself, “maybe she might be there”... I know you never are, I know im kind of crazy for having thoughts like this, but really. I’m crazy about you. There isn’t a day that goes by that i ever regretted you. Because yes, you hurt me so much more than anyone ever could in my entire life, but you also made me happier than anyone else in my entire life. But i guess thats karma, duality. When it rains its a rainbow, but after the rainbow, it rains again. Duality. 

      I’m really depressed about it, yeah i’m okay. Yeah i’ll be okay. But you know it isn’t okay that this happened. I’m not okay that I don’t feel like I’m enough anymore. I mean, i’ve grown up so fucking much. I still smoked weed, probably will still smoke weed eventually. I drank but not to get drunk. I just didn’t want to leave joeys, because this is the last place we were together. And i never want to let that go. I never want to let you go or our memories. Because, with out those. With out you. I’m a lost boy who can’t find his way home. But I mean, I’ve worked so hard. I kept my job, still have my job. I’m getting everything back on track with my medical and foodstamps, for fucks sake. I’m even going to counseling to get meds for my bipolar and I HATE TAKING MEDS. But I don’t care about any of that. I care about being okay again. 

    The past, our past. Yes it was a roller coaster. I understand why you would not love me like that anymore. I understand why you say were toxic. But were not really toxic at all. Not anymore. I’m not even the same tyler as I was back then. I grew up a lot. You just didn’t stay long enough to find that out. You always come back, tell me to get my shit together, then leave and act like I think i want to lose all the memories we just created, like I want break away,and I dont. You’re the only thing in my life I ever wanted to be permanent. Still though, every waking second of everyday, I wish I could spend in your arms. Every night, I wish I could still kiss you in your sleep and tell you its okay when your having bad dreams. 

 I keep telling myself though. if i don’t ever change how I feel, I’m always going to be hurt. I could save money. I could fix everything in my life. I mean, shit I got a job. All I have to do it keep it. But I mean, you want it right now... or you cant be with me? I don’t do drugs. I would have stopped drinking if you said you didnt want me to. I just thought it was okay because I was completely in control of myself because I didn’t get drunk... I want you as bad as ever and always will. And everyday i’m going to love you more and more. And I can’t help that. I just need you to understand this stuff. Because like god damn, you mean so much to me. I want you. I want to love you forever. But I don’t want to if you’ll just leave.... 

   But this post, among all the others. Just to clear the air. Too be 100% honest, I love you to the point I’d take you back over and over and over and over again. And completely destroy myself all for the hope of that forever we promised each other. I’m sorry for the things I did to you, I was still growing up... and thats not that easy when youre super bipolar and drinking all the time. Which i am and im not. But after you left last time, moved out of state, and i really thought I would never ever ever eveer see you again. I comepletely broke. I was so broken, i couldnt do anything. Anything at all. I’m just saying, I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I did. And all i want is your forgiveness,. I want you back to build with you. I don’t care if you do cid, or what you do. I really don’t anymore, I just don’t want to do it. Id smoke weed, but thats all. And cigs probably (them fuckers are hard to quit, especially when youre as stressed as I am right now). I’m just saying, i wouldnt get mad at you for anything, only either dissapointed or id be supportive. One or the other but I wouldnt ever get mad at you. 

    Anyways... I’m still going to do good. With or with out you. But i keep typing all of these words. Making all of these posts, because I know thats a lie. I just dont want you to know how depressed I really am this time. Because too be honest, I’ve never been this bad. I havent showered literally all week, or brushed my teeth, I hardly sleep (all i do is re read these posts), I don’t eat. At all, thats a big no no. Everytime i do, i take one bite and im sick. I havent changed, I sleep outside sometimes just because I can’t take it here with these thoughts of you sometimes. I’m not cutting, or going to kill myself. I’m going to continue to try. And i’m going to stay sober, but I just wanted you to know. All of the things you have done. I forgave... I want us to do good together. I know i’m not in the greatest position to do good. But After I lost the apartment. I did exactly what you had to do when you left.. I left the apartment. I honestly couldve kept it, i couldve paid it off. But i didn’t because I was so torn. I took myself to the streets. but my point is... I know anything is possible if you make it possible.... if *you* let it be possible. Idk. Im broken the fuck up and need time. But I would try over and over again with you... And honestly, all i wanted from you after you left, was for you to come back, take this heart pillow, and give me a hug... just one hug.... nothing had to be discussed, or talked about, you didn’t even have to stay a whole 2 minutes.... but it would have made me feel so much better than I do now. Thats all i wanted. was a hug.... Iloveyoutodeath. always will. Even though it hurts so much sometimes i wish i didnt, you took half of my heart... and my heart wont take it back. Iloveyousomuch and i miss you more than anything. Be safe. 

[skiasurveys]

yooo

Ever felt like you were being used? I have been

Is it worth crying over a guy or a girl? I mean we all do at some time. But it depends, if that person really cares about you, or not.

Who did you last talk to on the phone for longer than 10 minutes?- Connor

Did you have any unread text messages when you woke up today? probs

Has the last person you texted ever been mad at you before? Yes.

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? Yes, my boyfriend.

Do you have a reason to smile right now? well im finally getting my life back in order  

What do you currently hear right now? me typing

Do you think you can last in a relationship for three months? Yes, and i have.

When was the last time you cried really hard? last night

Closest green object to you? Perfume.

What color are your eyes? Reddish/brown.

Do you find piercings and tattoos attractive? fuck yes.

What do you hate about your school? I graduated, but they were always disorganized, and only cared for the athletics.

Have you ever kissed a blue-eyed person? Yeah he was nasty

Do you make eye Contact when you talk to people? Yes.

Where is your phone? on my couch in the basement

If you found out your friend was smoking weed, would you be disappointed? Nope, I smoke weed sometimes lol

Would you prefer a kiss on the cheek or neck? Neckkk

Could you cry right now? no

the shirt your wearing, does anyone else have it? Im sure.

Do you get irritated easily? my pills make me irritated.

What were you doing at 4am? sleeping

Are you more of a night or morning person? Night.

When did you talk on the phone last? last night

How fast does your mood change? in like 0000.1 secs.

Are you a jealous person? yep. and i hate it.

Would you go in public looking like you do right now?yeah i could

When is the last time you saw your sister? a couple hours ago.

Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you? Yep. Walt disney!!

What are you doing this weekend? Nothing really

Are you an alcoholic? No.

Do you like to sleep? its bae.

Are you anything like the person you were last year? No, Ive completely changed.

Would you rather go to Tokyo or Paris? Paris.

Do you like Subway? YES!!!!

Last time you had a nice bubble bath? 2 weeks ago

Do you like silver or gold better? gold i guess

Was yesterday terrible? nah.

Does it make you mad when people stare at you? No, unless they're being assholes or creepy.

What was last thing you drank? coke

What are you doing tonight? studying

Can you honestly say you’re okay right now? im fine.

What were you doing at midnight yesterday? Music, Youtube, zelda.

Will tomorrow be better than today? meh, i work tmr so maybe

Do you still talk to your friends from elementary school? Like a couple of them.

Do you like dressing up? Yeah, it makes me feel happy and pretty.

Has anyone laid on your bed besides you? Yeah

How do you feel when someone kisses you on your forehead? cute

How many times have you dyed your hair? couple of times

Who was the last person you had a face to face conversation with? My sister

Have you ever walked away from someone who was yelling at you? I have sometimes

Did you kiss or hug anyone in the last 48 hours? nah. I havent been able to hug/kiss connor for like 2 weeks cus he had to move away for a bit

When you say you don’t care do you mean it? depending. if im angry and say it, then i usually care lmao.

Last person of the opposite sex you gave a hug to? Connor

Are you sitting or standing? sitting.

You’re covered in soap in the shower, when you realize you’ve got company, its a spider what do you do? Get a piece of toilet paper and smush it.

Where is your biological mother right now? at work

What time did you wake up this morning? 11 am

What are you doing tommorrow? working

Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? connor

Do you like to cuddle? yes c:

Has anyone lied to you today? i dont think so

Who have you texted today? Connor and my friends

Have you ever been called beautiful? yes.

Has anyone upset you in the last week? yeah.

What’s something you do when you’re mad? I listen to music

Do you always answer your phone? sometimes

Are promises important to you? Yes thy are

Will you be up before 7AM tomorrow? No

How many people of the opposite sex do you trust? a couple

Is there alcohol in your house? yeah whiskey

How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking? pretty often actually

Have you held hands with any one in the last 36 hours? No

Is there someone you don’t ever want to be out of your life? Connor

Do you curse in front of your parents?  if i do its by accident

Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your own bed? behind my friends couch with connor

How many pillows do you sleep with? 4

Are you white? yeeeeah

Have you ever told yourself that you were going to give up on someone, but you just couldn’t do it? O yeah!!

Have you ever kissed someone over the age of 18? Yes

Was it sunny today? not rly

You got kicked out of your house, first place you’d go to? Probably Kyras

Would you ever consider dying all of your hair blue? nah

Last thing you ate? Roast beef

Do you always tell the truth to your parents? depends..

Would you ever pick gum up from the ground and eat it? ew wtf

Are you happier now than you were six months ago? meh

Has anyone taken your pants off in the past two weeks? yes

Are you wearing jewelry right now? a ring

Have you ever gotten surgery? yes

Who are you in the room with? no one

Would you hook up with the last boy you texted? yeah well were dating

What are you disappointed about? Just that connor couldnt stay here, but he will be back in months time :D

What are three things you did today? Eat, play video games and edit a youtube video

Are you taller than 5 foot 7 inches? No

Are you happy with the choices you’ve made? some of them

Are you planning to go to a movie anytime soon? not really

Have you ever jumped in a pool with all your clothes on? No

Have you ever in anyway, been betrayed by someone you trust? Yeah..

What was the first thing you thought about when you woke up? that i was really tired

Do you ever feel curious about how people see you? yeah

Are you someone who worries too often? oh god yeah

Do you trust all of your friends? yes

Have you held hands with anyone in the past week? No :(

What did your last text say? "That would make my life easier"

Why aren’t you going out with the person you like? I am

What is your favorite thing to eat with peanut butter? idk

Is there anyone who will always have a place in you’re heart? Connor