#idk what to do anymore everything is so pointless and bad like of course im gonna continue to boycott and help where i can

[pears-trinkets]

.

[nothing-ramblings]

you know, i get it. sometimes ita hard not to be a selfish prick. its not that i think everything is about me, i dont, but when you've been consistently feeling shit for ao long its hard not to look at every bad thing, including minor inconveniences, thinking "well ofc this is gonna happen why wouldnt it?" and maybe you know its not about you. logically i know its not about me. sometimes people's healing journey makes them realize they have to leave an environment that hurt them, and that might include cutting contact qith you even if you're friends. doesnt mean you fucked up. its just unfortunate that your friendship reminds them of a bad time in their life. and as a friend that best ypu can do is be proud and supportive that they're finally finding themself and choosing their own happiness

but it rlly fucking sucks to realize your existence has a negative effect on someone and it's not even for something you did, just the unfortunate circumstances of how you met.

so yes ofc i wish them the best and i want them to be happy and be themself and stop hiding behind a mask even of that means we wont talk anymore

but its pretty hard to NOT be selfish and add this to the pist of things ill use o make myself feel awful for existing. Cause everybody leaves ig. At least this time they had the decency of communicating with you and being honest. But at the end of the day it is what it is. People leave. They move on with their lives. Some of them will drop you overnight w half assed excuses and shatter your heart like a crystal glass as they do. Some will just go quiet. Maybe it's nothing, you just lost touch. Maybe you ask them what's going on because its the first time in years of friendship w basically no contact the whole year. And they'll say it's nothing, but continue not talking to you, which makes it seem like ur being ghosted but you cant even be sure and the limbo of not knowing hurt more. And sometimes people just need to do whats best for them. And you're associated with a bad memory. So they have to go. And its gonna hurt even if you understand and even if you respect them. Of course it's gonna hurt. It's hard not to, when any friendship fades, but all the more so when in the same year people keep leaving and you decelop abandonment issues.

idk where im going w this. been a shit year and my self esteem keeps dropping. if i didnt have pets and one person who i know would be hurt by it, idk if id have survived 2023 tbh.

Existing feels rather pointless right now

[colourful-void]

Hoshiai no Sora Fan Movie Breakdown/Theory/I don’t know

Yeah I went mad so imma do theories now I guess. rip homework and fic.

spoilers for the fan movie, which is like 3 minutes and on youtube so just head over there, theres a link up here somewhere.

So first off, where’d the student council go?

Prez dances alone despite usually having some people watching and clapping behind her. They’re just gone!

Most of the first half is reused footage, so theres not much Ill break down, at least for now.

Once the outro is done, we cut to the final moments of Hoshiai Episode 12, as if we haven't had that scene burned into our brains.

Once that ends, we cut to this little card:

Which I think means two years later (according to this post which is honestly a way better post than mine, go read it.)

and then this card which according to google translate says ‘living that time’ I dont think thats right.

Let’s note we’ve returned to black on white background, and not the coloured on black of the title card at the end.

One of the best OST’s in the show plays (imo) and we get a little montage.

Rintarou and Taiyou go to the same school, good for them! They’re trying to get members for a soft tennis team (probably) but everyone around them is uninterested. They have more colour then anyone else in the shot, and are given more detail. part of that is because no one does background characters, but I think theres some symbolism there with them having their own little world of soft tennis, especially since Rintarou and Taiyou are known as the more energetic and friendly (or colourful!) members of the team. There’s also a baseball team walking in the background which I find interesting.

Tsubasa is angry and still playing tennis. If we follow his line of sight we find he’s glaring at (or at least guiding us to) the people in the back longing around and not playing. I can think of two reasons why he’s upset. One: because of everything that happened season one, he takes the game seriously and dislikes people slaking off. or two because it reminds him of his old team. I think one is more likely than two though. yet again anyone who isnt a main character isnt coloured in.

Shingou????? Is now at a strict school I guess?? The thing that stands out here isnt really him being at this school, (his parents could totally send him off) but he looks happy. Proud even. Not only is that contrary to the Shingou we know, but look around him. The background characters dont have eyes but they sure do have frowns. they’re also really gray, unlike Shingou.

iTSUKI GOT TALLER?? Lets note some things! The background characters have gone from being tinted a bit grey to entirely monochrome. The other characters have backpacks like Itsuki (idk the name but they hold tennis rackets) by beyond that, Itsuki doesn’t fit into the scene at all. Beyond just the colour, he’s not looking at the other boys, and it doesn't seem much like the other boys are looking at him. you could crop him out of the scene and the boys would look perfectly normal. The boys are also all wearing ties where Itsuki has a hoodie, giving him another way to stand out.

Now where everyone else had a still that zoomed in, we turn to my son, Nao.

He gets 5 shots, two of which are animated.

Note that when we see Nao’s hand all bandaged, the music takes a bit of a dip, making a static noise a bit like what we hear in some Nao scenes, or like a ghost.

So: Nao doesn’t play tennis anymore, clearly he either misses it or something, but in whatever case he thinks about it, and watches the others play. More than just play, he watches them celebrate.

Now look at the other boys who approach Nao. We get a bad vibe on instinct. I could be wrong, but it looks like the boy on the far right is the same boy who watched as another bully talked to Itsuki and then got bashed for it. Mainly just due to hair and him wearing a mask around his chin, which we haven't seen a single other character do. Actually, I dont think we’ve ever seen a Hoshiai character wear a mask, so it stands out.

Now, Nao’s knuckles are bandaged, which suggests he punched someone or something. I cannot picture him doing this. WE can see the bandages aren’t even, so he probably placed them himself, who whoever did it, did with little care.

Nao says: something. I can’t read lips or speak Japanese, but im not sure what Nao says is even readable. It has no audio, but the spooky noises continue. Music is now gone.

Cut to black.

Bird noises! Maki is watching their old sitting spot from afar, suggesting reminiscence.

Maki says something! I don’t know what, According to the other post, translated here on twitter, he says:

"Let's leave it be. He probably just doesn't want to see me again"

So that’s likely refering to Touma, or possibly his father but I doubt that highly.

Note: Everyone keeps their distance from Maki, Arashi still has his tennis bag, Mitsue has a very nice uniform and Yuu has a new bag I think, which is pink. Very cute. 

Yuu is the only one we don’t see in any uniform (itsuki didnt have the tie but he had a jacket) so we don't know what school they go to, of what uniform they wear. Yuu and Mitsue stand close together, so we ca assume that friendship lives on.

I won't do shots of all of Touma’s dialogue but here's some:

And of course the most important shot,

Now: Touma is saying in this scene, thanks again to twitter, translator’s tweet is here go leave a like,

"It's pointless. He has no game sense. Why does he make the same mistakes? There's no point in continuing like this. Whatever. I'll find someone else"

So like the beginning, Touma is fed up with fellow soft tennis players.

Maki and Touma meet on a street corner and Touma frowns. Maki remains neutral.

long shot as they stare at each other and a train goes by.

credits roll.

So time for my final thoughts and theories and things I want to mention.

Maki hurt Touma with the knife. I know, its bad I dont wanna think it, but like,,, Occam’s Razor.

Whatever happened with maki’s dad, he didn’t get kicked out of school, he didn’t die, and he doesn't gotten any life long injuries

No one’s parents are ANYWHERE IN THE ENTIRE PV. for a show so dedicated on these kids relationships with their parents, that is striking. We don’t even see family members.

No teachers are seen either.

Aside from the beginning we don’t see student prez at all.

Why does Nao get extra screen time? like do not get me wrong I love him but everyone else only got one shot.

Background characters are near always painted in greys wand without eyes, except for whoever Touma was yelling at and the others in that scene. they still don't have eyes though, which is probably just because they’re background characters.

Most characters are alone, except for Rintarou and Taiyou, and the gang during Maki’s line.

Things aren’t looking good.

SO those are my thoughts/theories, hope you liked them, I'm gonna go cry over my son becoming a delinquent, good night!

[pepperpixel]

thoughts and feelings about. my life below the cut. like depression and shit?? u aint gotta read this shit if u dont wanna lol

warning i basically wrote this post like a fuckin diary cuz i wanted to write my thoughts out. so its super jumbled and messy. pls don’t feel like you have to respond, this is just for me to talk lol. vent some stuff. clear the air of my brain.

these past months since graduating high school I basically haven’t taken a moment to think about anything ever. i wake up in the morning i have like. mini waffles and coffee. i watch a couple videos and then draw draw draw for the entirety of the day. i might eat something else. or i might not, i might drink something else, or i might not. and then i lay down and watch more videos until 3-5 am. i then go to sleep. or i don’t. and then i wake up. repeat repeat repeat. every single day. with a few exceptions. of course i’ve gone out a couple times and had fun. but then i go back home. and do the same thing i’ve been doing. for the past months. on autopilot... over and over and over again. i watch the same videos over and over and over again. i draw and then hate everything i make over and over and over again... and i don’t even have the space to be upset about it... because im always doing something to not think about the stuff that bugs me. its just like im a robot on a cycle.and im not even doing the things i need to do. im doing pointless things. im doing the same pointless things over and over, and i have this constant dread in my heart that everything’s gonna come crashing down on me and i just keep ignoring it. and not doing anything about it. until im laying in bed every night and it hits me. but i still keep not doing anything. and my life continues to be nothing. day in and day out.

anyway... i cried today for the first time in a while, and im actually happy about it.... i used to cry all the time. about everything. and i hated it then. but. i like, haven’t given myself the space or time to feel emotions... or feel human.. in what feels like a rlly long time. and i don’t know exactly how but for some reason today i just started thinking. about all the stuff thats changed in my life that i’ve been avoiding thinking about all these months. and i thought about how it made me upset.. i allowed myself to be upset. instead of just brushing it off cuz im “supposed to be stronger now” because i’ve been to therapy and i don’t have panic attacks anymore and thats all that rlly matters right?? all that other stuff that makes me unhappy can just be brushed aside because its manageable. everyone has to deal with bad stuff. why should i be especially upset about it, just move on, just don’t think about it. sure you’re literally eating and drinking barely anything every day and u get an average of 4-2 hours of sleep each night and u barely feel like you’re still alive but that doesn’t mean anything! this is just what life is post graduation! youre fine!!

so. crying kind of. reminded me how it felt to. feel stuff?? like,, it made me feel normal again. like a real person. which im happy about.. i feel like it knocked some sense into me or something.

i used to write down how i felt a lot too. to work thru my feelings and get them out of my head. i haven’t written down or talked with anyone about my feelings in awhile cuz i haven’t thought about my feelings in awhile... but im writing stuff down now cuz it feels like the right thing to do, its what i wanna do. and i still can’t 100% sort thru all of my feelings. there’s still that vague stale miasma.. the dread of the unknown of adulthood. the worry of being a failure, but. im so happy to have taken the time to just feel some of the feelings that i can sort thru. nothing new bad happened. i didn’t have a panic attack. i just cried a bit and got upset over some stuff i’ve been ignoring.. it feels a little like a break through.. and it made me want to feel more.. honestly.. its better then this awful nothing repetition. i’m gonna try to work on being more human from here on out. thats a weird way to put it but i don’t know how else to phrase it? just, taking more time to breathe. to just be alive in the moment. in real life. not on a computer. ((also, i kno thats a thing dumb old ppl say but like.. being obsessively glued to my computer to avoid real life is part of the issue. im not even doing anything of substance im just.. doing jack shit nothing)) i don’t need to do everything right now. sometimes i just need to sit in my own brain and sort stuff out... and then i can really focus more on the stuff i actually need to do. maybe then i can start really feeling in control of my own life. idk.

anyway... tldr i felt emotions,,, it was a mixed bag.. hopeful for future??

[julianxhwang]

Julian Hwang // Intro

Hello ! My name is Backy (she/her) ヾ(＾∇＾)❀ I'm 25 years old and I live in Canada!  ❀ Feel free to like this post or drop me a message on discord if you're interested in plotting. I'd love to get to know you and your muses! (｡’▽’｡)♡ ❀ 

Without further ado, here's Julian Hwang (fc: Bang Chan (2010) // Im Siwan (2020)), my overworked friendly bean ❀

✮ Spotify playlist:  Julian Hwang ✮ Pinterest: C: Julian 

( Bang Chan & Im Siwan ) bopping along to I’m Yours by Jason Mraz is Julian Hwang, the twenty-one year old cismale thrown back to their business days with some of his memories. voted most likely to live in a library, Julian was known for being studious & self-destructive, go figures you’d always find them taking 15 minute power naps on top of a book, but grew up to be hard-working & fanatical . 

♦ The Basics ♦ 

↣ Name: Julian Hwang ↣ Nickname: J, Kangaroo ↣ Age: Twenty-One // Thirty-One ↣ D.O.B.: October 3rd, 1988 ↣ Education: Third Year @ RVU (Business Management)  ↣ Sexuality: Pansexual 

↣ Occupation(s): Tutor, waiter, odd-jobs ↣ Languages: English & Korean ↣ Drinking, smoking, & drugs: Yes (socially), no, & yes (study drugs)

↣ Quirks: Drinks coffee with way too much sugar, randomly obsessed with knitted things, bites nails when stressed, left-handed, & has a horrible sense of direction ↣ Likes: Coffee, tea, spicy food, mangos, swimming, the stars, the colour orange, the ocean, & cooking ↣ Dislikes: Being late, bitter food, tequila, violence, horror movies, cold weather, flying, & cleaning

♦ background (then & now) ♦ 

↣ Hometown: Adelaide, Australia ↣ Nationality: Australian ↣ Ethnicity: Korean ↣ Parents: Namsung (Nora) & Chongyol (Jamie) Hwang // Step Dad: Flynn Caldwell 

O1 x. Then - Originally from Australia, Julian moved to the states on a sports scholarship for swimming while taking his degree in business at SVU. His parents were less than thrilled to send him away but after a lot of reassurance that he was going to eat three meals a day & get plenty of sleep, the deal was sealed. Of course, Julian doesn’t do either of those things but what his parents didn’t know won’t kill them. Sleeping doesn’t earn scholarships, after all.  O3 x. Then - However, sometime after being admitted to SVU, his parents got a divorce and Julian’s mom moved to the states to be closer to him. She had nothing left for her in Australia and considered it a fresh start. His dad stayed behind to run the family business, a small traditional Korean restaurant. Julian’s still close to both of his parents but considerably more so his mother. He couldn’t exactly afford to jet off to visit his dad every other weekend and even on a scholarship, Julian was working multiple jobs to pay his bills so as not to burnden his mother. 

O2 x. Now - Julian graduated SVU, one of the top of the class, and moved into a job as a financial advisor for small and large hospitals alike. He frequently travels but still comes back home on occassion to visit his family. It’s been 10 years and Julian’s mom, Nora Hwang, is remarried to Flynn Caldwell. He’s also gained a step brother in the process, Austin Caldwell, who just so happens to have attended the same university as him.   O4 x. Now - Julian can’t say that he necessarily dislikes the Caldwell’s but there’s some resentment there. Him and Austin led two very different lives growing up and couldn’t be more dissimilar. It wasn’t so much that Julian was never allowed to be a teenager, it was just never an option that crossed his mind considering their financial burdens. Of course, now with a financially stable husband, Julian feels as though his mom doesn’t rely on him as much anymore. It should be a relief, honestly, but what about all of his hard work? All those years he gave up? The many, many jobs he’d worked to make sure she’d never pay a dime for his education? It all seems so pointless now but what else can he do but keep working? 

♦ personality ♦ 

↣ Good Traits: Hard-working, companionly, kind, & patient ↣ Neutral Traits: Quiet, frugal, paternal, responsible, & a perfectionist ↣ Bad Traits: Self-destructive, fanatical, uptight, & a pushover 

O1 x. Self-Destructive - Has a bad habit of sacrificing himself for everything & anything else. Sleeping, eating, & socializing are no match for studying, clubs, & work. If he’s stressed, he’ll work himself into a tizzy about it until the job is done or he’s burnt out. Rarely fails at completing tasks, but has been known to spell his own demise by getting stress-sick or otherwise working himself up too much. Sometimes (read: all the time) he’s convinced he’s going to fail, drop out, & become homeless. Has a hard time looking at the silver lining when it comes to his own life, even if he is generally uplifting of others. These days he’s chilled out considerably since university but still tends to forget to take care of himself. 

O2 x. Fanatical - Becomes obsessed with tasks, no matter the subject. Kind of a perfectionist & will work himself until he can’t anymore. Sometimes scares people with just how much he cares about things. Tends to go over & beyond what is expected or even wanted sometimes. It has landed him a couple of nice promotions up into the present day though. The only thing that’s changed since his university days is that he almost needs something to obsess over or he’ll remember how pointless it all really is. 

O3 x. Hard-Working & Studious - Can be depended on to put in the proper effort & do it right. Rarely spends time not doing something productive and frequently multitasks. It’s not that he’s particularly giften in the brain department, he’s about average really, but the constant studying earned himself A’s throughout school and now a pretty swaggin job. Definitely not a quitter and pretty stubborn about finishing things and doing it right. 

O4 x. Companionly - A good and trusting friend through and through. That mom friend at the party making sure you stay hydrated. Enjoys spending time with others no matter the occasion, wether that be his sports friends or study buddies. Loves his friends a little too much & tends to be really touchy. Expect many hugs & cuddles. Would do anything for his friends, sometimes a little too much, even if they don’t ask for it. Easy to get along with if you can handle his eccentricities. These days, Julian is still the same old friendly guy but with a more professional vibe. 

♦ (wanted) connections ♦ 

Past (2010) O1 x. Drugdealer - Julian is usually pretty responsible but his need to work as much as possible has led him down a dangerous path, study drugs. Looking for someone who can deal him the good stuff to get him through on minimal sleep. Might involve a bit of debt.  O2 x. Bad Influence - Julian is pretty goody two shoes but I’d love to have someone pull him out to parties (get him out of the library) - make him live a little and not totally regret working through his best years.  O3 x. Mom? - Julian is pretty well known for being that mom friend, so if you need some good influencing, you’ve come to the right place! Just looking for some people he can take care of and be overbearing on.   O4 x. College Sweetheart - Someone he’ll lay down the books for unconditionally, really. He may be a workaholic but he’s also a romantic at heart. Open to any gender.  O5 x. Platonic Cuddles - Julian is just really touchy in general so someone he can just cuddle with without it being weird would be chill. Need some of that wholesome stuff in my life.  O6 x. Good Influence - Julian is usually the good influence but I was thinking someone who brings him food, reminds him to eat, reminds him to sleep, and all that good self care shit he probably needs help with.  Present (2020)  O1 x. Significant Other - Someone he comes home to at the end of the day. Can be married, but maybe not. Take care of my dumbass. Open to any gender. Maybe they dated in uni, doesn’t really matter. Not really set on any details here so let’s talk about it!  O2 x. Uni Friends - People he still hangs out with. Julian mostly stuck around the LA area so anyone else around hit a brother up ✌️  O3 x. Unresolved Tension - Idk maybe someone he had a crush on or vice versa? Make it awkward and weird because I love that. Bring up old memories and feelings.  O4 x. Why weren’t we friends before? - Someone he wasn’t friends with in uni, but somehow met after the fact or maybe they were enemies. Someone he butted heads with but now they’re basically best friends?? 

These are really just some thoughts I had & I might add more later but I’m open to anything and everything so let’s talk about it!! Ofc I’m still looking for more generic plots like friends, hookups, enemies, etc, etc. The possibilities are endless! 

And that’s the end! If you read it all you’re the coolest but it’s also okay if you didn’t because that was a whole lot of bullshit tbh. 

[ofcowardiceandkings]

okay guys this is a Weird Thing but we’re kinda stuck for what to do about it and this is a good a place to ask as any so some advice would be helpful

cw for discussion of potential child abuse / neglect ???

okay so um, As Said Previously, we (myself and tomás @flippwizard) moved out of my parents house a short while ago into a (good) shoebox of a maisonette beneath a flat , this is all good thats fine its going well etc but the walls and ceilings arent ?? amazing for sound dampening lets just say and that means to the flat above as well ... we dont know that they know we can hear basically everything above indoor voices in their place either

also as a general thing we’ll say that we both have anxiety that gets pretty bad at times , and while we obvs dont have kids and dont have a huge amount of experience with younger children when we were old enough to like Get It , we do Know some shit about how parents behaviour affects children hm

weve never actually met our upstairs neighbours or even seen them tbh , especially since we work kind of weird hours , but id rather not at this point lol. all we know is theres at least 1 young kid and a woman who we think is the carer there. we THINK the kid is about 3 - 5, definitely not older than 5 unless he’s developmentally delayed in some way.

anyway, pretty much every day at least once, and often earlier in the morning or later at night - which is LATE for normal people bc tomás finished work at midnight - we hear said woman full volume shouting in a very aggressive and kind of erratic way at the child, often involving some stomping and clattering around. we’ll say up front we dont think theres any heavy physical abuse happening but i wouldn’t be surprised if there was a slap or two ...

like, to start with shouting at a kid and especially a young kid is NOT gonna be very helpful , and honestly it ALWAYS sounds like its over something incredibly pointless. really sounds like some classic ‘please get some anger management’ stuff ... todays example literally half an hour ago “go find your dummy! i told you go find it! youre not listening!” or something to that effect. im fairly sure ive heard “shut up” a fair few times as well. theres no or very little swearing, but at the same time i swear a lot but id never swear AT someone without a gooooood reason and especially not a child. also, the amount of times “Go away” gets yelled at this kid feels very concerning lol , like either a kid wants something or is bored (ie wanting entertainment) at that age, jus fuckin look after the kid or find someone else to do it if youre busy ...

and second off im getting a bit speculative here but it kind of worries me how much said kid DOESNT cry after being spoken to like that , like damn if it was me i would DIE , and when we actually have heard him actually cry anymore than kind of a screech it comes in a stompy gap that could POSSIBLY be slap-related. this is just a guess of course but that bit feels real weird ,, when he does cry - at least audibly - its only for a few seconds as well which also feels odd

so like .. Obviouslyyyy, we feel incredibly uncomfortable about this and it can get pretty upsetting ... aside from not very ?? idk socially considerate i guess ?? one of the reasons it sticks out so much is because it often happens when we’re still trying to sleep on account of working weird hours ..... so for the past month or so ive been wondering about it on and off probably a bit much because what do you even do , and we didnt want to be Those Interfering New Neighbours and if we actually said anything directly were not sure how petty they would be about it esp living in such close quarters BUT today was the last focking straw

starting from just past 9 on a friday and continuing for a good half an hour or so at least where we can hear it in both rooms of the ground floor (tomás has a hell cold so got up to lurk on the sofa while i was still trying to sleep), and said yelling and stomping was telling a child explicitly young enough to have a dummy/pacifier to go and find it and to go away with some added crying ?? nope

so uh .. what would you think was the best thing to do ???? we’d rather remain anonymous because of the above mentioned not wanting drama or pettiness but weve had enough of not knowing what to do about it because its really quite distressing :’/

ofc theres the nspcc but we’re not sure how much they can do with only the scant information we actually HAVE ....... another idea would be to ask the council about antisocial behaviours because like i said its really quite bothersome and the very loud stairs stomping / movement around the flat and the shitty bland rap music played loudly during the day isnt GREAT either (weve noticed this shit more right now because we’re both sick & at home) idk like ANY idea would be nice, we’d rather not have to put a letter through their door asking to please be careful since we’re both ill and work shitty hours but honestly ive been so close to just finding the broom and banging the ceiling for the past few days lol

so .. yeah uh thats that i guess >:’/

[mvssmallow]

Cloudy With A Chance

Chapter 29 Part II: …of swimming pools

Masterlist

Everyone tells them that she has his dimples and eyes but every time he looks at her face, all he can see is Jiwon’s toothy smile and cheeky smirk. They paint her room pale blue but her shoes are always red, like the shade of shiny ripe apples.

****

He tells himself, time after time, not to take anything for granted. And he doesn’t. Not Jiwon’s undivided attention, or how he always asks for advice (as if there weren’t more qualified people in his life to give them), or texts and phone calls about nothing. On top of that list is waking up next to that familiar warm body with all it’s reassuring weight, living and breathing beside him.

He knows that soon enough, in the not too distant future, all these things will fade and become few and far between. He knows it’s coming, like stormclouds on the horizon. But you can’t get on top of the mountain without shedding a few things. Sacrifices and compromises will have to be made and if he has to be the one doing most of that, so be it.

I guess that’s what you get for being in love with someone so amazing.

It’s so easy to love Jiwon in his mind and in his heart but it’s still difficult to say it out loud, he doesn’t pretend that it’s getting easier as the months go by, because it doesn’t. If anything, it’s even worse because the stakes keep getting higher and higher.

Love is for crazy people. Crazy brave people. He doesn’t want to admit that it’s hard but it is. Acknowledging all their feelings makes everything real. To accept that he’s in love is to accept that he’s now got a weakness and responsibility. To be attached to someone is to leave yourself vulnerable to the possibility that they might one day leave. But it’s all or nothing, he can’t have all the good parts without accepting the bad. Love takes all kinds of courage. There’s no bravery in being alone, there’s just survival, which isn’t the same thing. Before Jiwon, he’s pretty sure he wasn’t living at all, just merely surviving.

Maybe Jiwon’s trip to Japan wasn’t such a bad thing. He can get used to being alone again and wean himself off needing Jiwon so much. Not that he wants to admit that either but one day, he won’t get to decide anymore. He won’t be in control of their lives and wanting Jiwon won’t be as easy as just reaching out across some crumpled sheets and wordlessly demanding it. At some point, he won’t be the most important thing in Jiwon’s life and he’ll have to wait for the sun to shine his way, like everyone else.

Right on cue, as if Jiwon heard him waking up, a text message buzzes on his phone.

[morning baby, its freezing here! its gonna be sunny in sk tho]

[thnx for packing the coat, wearin it now]

Yeah, he’s going to miss this so much one day, especially being called baby. Nobody has ever called him that before. He hates it; how much he loves hearing it. Yes, call me baby. I am your baby.

[hey, you’re welcome. How are you feeling? How’s the hangover?]

[im ok. headache tho]

[did you take the tablets I packed?]

[yeah i did, thanks]

[wish i was there with you]

[you are]

[what?]

[took you with me]

There’s a photo that loads on his screen. It’s all the layers of clothes on Jiwon’s chest: a pink t-shirt underneath a familiar gray hoody underneath that caramel coloured coat that they both share.

He knows what Jiwon’s doing, the implication and explanation coming in a photo because he can’t articulate it in a text message. It fills him with so much fondness that his chest constricts violently and he can feels the start of a tear in the corner of his eye. How are you supposed to respond to something like that?

[great, now what am I supposed to wear?]

[lol idk go naked]

[south korea isn’t ready for that]

[haha! you can practice when i come back, ok?]

[you wish]

[i do actually]

[shut up Jiwon]

[lol, i gotta go. Jin’s glaring at me]

[Good Luck with your meeting]

[Thanks baby. Love you.  xj]

[You too. xxh]

[have a good day]

[go to your meeting, you loser]

[say something nice at least]

[ok, how’s this: I’ll be thinking of you and I hope something good happens to you today.]

[yeah, not bad, whatever. talk to you later]

[JIWON!]

[lol jk jk. I miss you. Have a good day baby, do something crazy]

He can’t stop smiling after that. What would Murakami write about him right now? Laying naked in bed with the sun streaming through his curtains, smiling like an idiot at his ceiling. Is this what contentment feels like?

He reads Jiwon’s last message again and scrolls through all the photos that Jiwon has sent him from Japan. He scrolls so far back that he lands on a photo of his little sister, holding her ballet trophy proudly. He hasn’t seen her in a long time, too long really, and no matter what he does, there’s no ignoring the guilt.

His self esteem is managable at best and diabolical at it’s worst. He doesn’t want to be one of those guys who constantly waxes lyrical about love but in all honesty, it really does heal a lot of things, some that he didn’t even know were broken in the first place. Jiwon’s love is no ordinary love though, it must be the extra-strength-triple-fortified-eternally-lasting kind because it gives him courage at times when he has none.

His sister is still smiling at him through his phone screen and before he really knows what he’s doing, his fingers have already hit the dial button.

“Hanbin?”

“Hi mum.”

Yeah, love might give you courage but it takes a crazy kind of courage to get involved with it in the first place.

****

He fingers the soft gray fabric of Hanbin’s hoody and tries not to feel completely underdressed in the room full of slick designer rappers. Clothes don’t mean shit. He knows that but there’s no escaping Jin’s sigh when he climbs into the car and the fact that he looks like the odd one out.

Doc McKinney was surrounded by a crowd 3 people deep. The meeting is over in an anti-climatic ten minutes. Everyone wanted to meet the famous american producer and on the hierarchy of importance, he was right at the bottom. He might be known in Seoul’s underground rap scene but here, he was just another fish in an even bigger ocean. He’s not entirely sure why Beatbox wanted him to go because Doc Mckinney doesn’t even know who he is but at least they could speak English and ended up talking about Bob Marley. That was something.

He’s standing at one of the big windows afterwards, trying to take a photo of the Tokyo skyline to send home, thinking of how much he wants to take Hanbin here one day.

“Korean?”

He turns to his left to see a tall thin man with long black hair, a straggly beard and thick glasses. He doesn’t remember meeting him but there’s something in that voice that he recognises. The stranger doesn’t even look at him, preferring just to stare out the window.

“Yes?” He replies, both curious and cautious.

“Get dressed in the dark this morning, kid?”

He looks down at his outfit and yeah, okay, he really did get dressed in the dark this morning. It doesn’t stop him from feeling defensive about Hanbin’s grey hoodie and their caramel coloured coat. Who does this guy think he is?

“Excuse me? I don’t-”

There’s a quite snort next to him. “Relax. You look fine. Stood out like a sore thumb though didn’t you? In that sea of Supreme? Couldn’t tell one guy from the other.”  

“Oh, I guess?”

“What’s with all the pink? Your girlfriend dress you? ”

He smiles at his reflection in the glass window. “Yeah, something like that.”

“What company you with?”

“Beatbox.”

“Ahh, Jin. He’s been looking for his Neo all these years. I’m surprised he didn’t dress you up himself.” The guy chuckles. “Must have a lot of faith in you to bring you all the way here for a pointless trip.”

He’s just about protest when the guy turns to face him with a pensive look on his face. “They treating you alright? You gotta watch out for these big companies.”

Whatever he was about to say gets swallowed back down, his mouth opening and closing comically to the point where he gets laughed at again. He doesn’t have much of a temper but there are time where it grates on his nerves a little too much. But even then, he wasn’t raised by wolves, his mother did teach him some manners and he doesn’t want to let Hanbin down by burning any bridges.

“Yeah, things have been good so far.” He kicks himself, unsure what the protocol is when a stranger asks him about Beatbox. This was one thing that Jin hadn’t finish coaching him on. “I haven’t released anything yet though.”

There’s another laugh followed by the shake of a head. “Yeah, he’s really putting all his money and reputation on you, huh? Smart guy though. Indie company mentality with corporate company ambitions and money. Just don’t let them blindside you guys.”

He’s seen those eyes before, the watery thoughtfulness that always looks like it’s watching and reading you the entire time. And that voice…..he knows that voice. Why can’t he place it?

“Sorry, have we met?”

The guy shrugs. “Doubt it, kid. What’s your name?”

“Jiwon.”

“That your rap name?”

“No…no, it’s Bobby.”

“Of course it is.” The guy smiles but doesn’t bother to introduce himself. “How are you liking Japan?”

This entire conversation was like a car driving in and out of traffic; constantly changing lanes, veering sharp lefts and abrupt rights. He has no idea where it’s going or what the agenda is. It’s almost like talking to Hanbin.

And just like that, his focus shifts back to South Korea, where it’s sunny, and to that pokey little apartment, where there’s a sleepy neurotic writer still tangled in their sheets. His fingers come up to absentmindedly smooth over the soft fabric of his coat.

“It’s really nice. Kind of a waste to be here for business in some ways.” He laughs. “Wish the person who dressed me was here.”

“Ahhh.” The Guy says quietly, like he understands the context. Maybe he does. “Well. Work hard. Write often. Learn everything, especially when to shut up. Don’t let anybody change the part of you that makes you you. That’s always the first thing they’ll try to do. But I got a good feeling about you, kid. Put in the work and maybe next time you’re here, you can bring that girl of yours.”

He wants to correct the assumption but there’s someone calling him.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, kid. I’ll see you around.”

There’s a brief pat on his back before the Guy disappears through the sea of Supreme again.

Jin eventually catches up with him. “Who were you talking to?”

“I have no idea.” He says earnestly. He really had no idea and maybe he just hallucinated some kind of rap yoda. God, he needs either caffeine or sleep.

No such luck. Jin has him sitting through another meeting with a smaller company this time and as tired as he is, he hears the words of Rap Yoda and Hanbin echoing in his ears. He doesn’t really want to be there but he’s going to act like he does. Hanbin would probably find out if he’s slacking off and kick his ass when he gets back home.

So he turns on the charm, laying it so thick that no-one will ever forget that they met him. Jin and the team seem happy, so he guesses he’s doing something right. They eat at some barbecue joint that serves ice cold Asahi. He wants to avoid more alcohol but chicken without beer is like Jiwon without Hanbin and that just goes against the laws of the Universe.

Everywhere they walk is just another place he wants to show Hanbin one day. The tiny hedgehog cafe (with real live hedgehogs!). The waffle shop that makes dog shaped desserts. The toy store with a life sized Rilakuma at the entrance. The endless bookstores with original Murakami and scrolls of beautiful traditional brush calligraphy on the walls. The parks lined with cherry blossom trees and ivy.

He takes photos of everything and sends them all to Hanbin’s phone.

****

He feels like a stranger knocking on the dark red door and he feels like it was a lifetime ago that he used to live here. They were a happy family once, so he knows it’s possible but he doesn’t know if they will ever be like that again. Some wounds are just too deep.

But there was always his sister. She has nothing to do with all their mess and deserves some kind of normalcy. And it’s really that thought that drove him here today. Maybe his relationship with his parents will never go back to normal but at least he still has his sister.

“HANBIN!!” He hears her before he sees her and for all her ballerina’s grace, she has the tendency to crash into him at 100kph and hang off his neck like she was still 5 years old. He’s glad that hasn’t changed.

“Hey Peanut.” He smiles, half breathless by the tiny monster truck that just crashed into him. “Missed me?”

Hanbyul lets go and grimaces, her words directly contradicting her actions. “No.”

“Yeah sure.” He chuckles and flicks one of her ponytails. “Did mum tell you why I’m here?”

“She just said you were visiting.” Hanbyul says, eyes inquisitive but with a shade of melancholy that shouldn’t be natural at her age. “Are you visiting? Are they still mad at you?”

He sighs inwardly, telling himself to keep it together. When he spoke to his mother this morning, the request was simple: he just wanted to take his sister out for the day. But like everything that seems to happen in their family, a simple request can turn into a drama production.

“Don’t worry about that. I’m gonna go talk to them for a bit. I’m come get you after okay?”

She’s 9 years old now but when he leaves her standing in their hallway, she still looks like the toddler that he remembers following him around everywhere.

He doesn’t have to search very far for his parents, they’re both in the kitchen table when he walks in, his mum pouring tea (like he was some kind of guest) and his dad sitting at the table with a grave look on his face (like someone died).

“Hi. Mum…..dad….” He greets them awkwardly.

“Hanbin, come in. Sit sit.” At least his mum was trying to be kind. He feels a surge of love for her then and doesn’t know why he ever doubted her support. “Are you hungry? I know you want to go out for lunch but well, you aunt brought over some cake so here, have some cake.”

He nods absentmindedly, flashing her a small smile even though he really wasn’t in the mood for cake. He can see the strain on her face but she’s trying and so should he. “Thanks mum.”

The clock ticks too loudly as they just sit and stare at the grains of wood on the dinner table. His dad clears his throat eventually and they all hold their breath.

“So, how are you?”

Stay calm, Hanbin. You can do this.

“I’m fine, dad. How have you been?”

“Oh you know, the blood pressure is no good. Dr. Park has got me on too many medications. Something about my risk of a heart attack and decreasing my salt intake. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

Part of him expected this, the overly mundane conversation, and part of him is relieved that they weren’t shouting at each other from the moment he set foot in the house.

“He’s a good doctor.” He says, trying to keep the facade going. “He doesn’t really think you’re going to have a heart attack does he?”

His dad snorts derisively. “ He’s just trying to scare me. He wants me to cut out soy sauce but this is Korea, what a ridiculous request.”

“Are you taking the medication at least?”

“Oh god, not you too.” His dad sighs loudly. “First your mother and now you? For the record, yes I am taking my medications.”

There’s a long silent pause and he knows what’s on all their minds but doesn’t know how how to start talking about it.

“How’s work?”

“We’re on holidays at the moment but it’s been great.”

“You know, there’ll always be a job at my company if you want it. It’ll be a pay rise, if you ever want to move out of that shoebox you live in.”

He frowns again, fingernails digging into his palms under the table. There will never be a time where his dad isn’t disappointed in him.

Keep it together, Hanbin. Think of Hanbyul. This isn’t about you.

“I’m fine where I am. I’m getting help with the rent now anyway.”

His words, and all its implications, hang in the air between them. They all want to talk about Jiwon so they might as well just get it over with.

“Is that still…..” His dad trails off, pausing for a beat before finishing his sentence. “How is that going?”

He hears it, the strain in his dad’s voice, the way he almost had to force the words out in some kind of neutral civil tone. That must be his mother’s influence. He knows they both really want to ask, “Is it still going?”

“It’s going great.” He says, looking at the dense chocolate cake his mum pushes towards him and avoiding any other eye contact. “He’s in Japan right now.”

“Japan? What for?”

Does he want to do this now? Start telling Jiwon’s life story to a man who might never accept them? But if not now, then when?

“For work. He’s um….he got a record deal. He’s a musician. He’s over there for some business meetings.” They can all hear the shakiness in his voice but nobody mentions it, so there was at least that.

“Oh.” His dad says. “Your mother said he worked in that garage downtown. Since when was he a musician?”

He looks up in surprise, first to his mum, who gives him an encouraging smile, then slowly to his dad, who is wearing a genuinely shocked expression.

“He’s always been one. He just got signed recently.”

There’s another long heavy pause and then all pretend to eat the cake that nobody has an appetite for.

“Did you read the contract?” His dad asks suddenly, eyes now serious and focused, like he must be in all his business meetings. “Before he signed it, did you read it?”

He almost feels like smirking, if his dad wanted to talk business, then they will talk business. It’s the one topic where they have some common ground. “Of course I did.”

“What company did he sign with?”

“Beatbox. It’s a new subsidiary of Globalkore.”

“Which law firm is representing them?”

“Lee & Ko.”

His dad hums in what he knows is approval. It gives him emotional whiplash.

“Did you have to re-negotiate any terms?”

“Only a few. We got them all. It wasn’t really that hard.”

He eats more of the cake, finally able to swallow some of it down. He can see his dad’s mouth opening with hesitation before closing again with resignation. Being good at business and law is one thing but wanting to make a career out of it is an entirely different thing. They’ve had The Family Business conversation so many times over the years. It always begins with his dad disappointed by his refusal to put that business-law degree into effect. It always ends with him storming out of the house, shouting about how art isn’t a worthless pursuit.

They’re all shocked when the conversation veers off somewhere else altogether.

“Is he pulling his weight? Helping you out? You’re not doing everything are you?”

He looks across at his dad, surprised that they were back to talking about Jiwon. It’s been some time since he’s really stopped and looked at his parents and their lives. His dad works hard at a job that carries more high stakes and stress than one person should be mentally permitted to. He’s not perfect, he’s hurt everyone in the family with his blunt words and careless actions but right now, there’s just a weary father with too many deeps lines on his face, worried about blood pressure tablets and his son’s future.

Something melts inside him. It’s not forgiveness, not even close, but it’s a small step in the right direction.

“Yeah dad, he’s helping out.”

There’s a crash outside the kitchen that makes them all jump. Hanbyul’s ponytails swing into view, along with the pot plant she tripped over. Their mum is up in a flash, sighing and gently scolding as she dusts the soil off Hanbyul’s jeans and leads her off into the bathroom to wash her hands.

“That’s your cue to go.” His dad says, getting up to help with the cleaning. “Have her back before dinner.”

He’s nodding and is just about to bend down to help when his dad waves him away. “No, I’ll take care of this. Go entertain her, she’s been bored of us for weeks now.”

“Okay. Um, thanks dad.” He says, feeling every bit like a child again.

“We haven’t told her anything about your….situation. If you insist on going through with all that, just think about what you say and who might end up hearing about it, not just for your sake but for everyone else’s too.”

Part of him wants to automatically snap back. Of course he knows all this. Of course he’ll be cautious. But he keeps his mouth shut and just nods again. It’s longest conversation they’ve probably had in 6 months that didn’t end in a some kind of argument or shouting match. It’s unsettling and foreign and he’s almost forgotten how to deal with it but sometimes you have to take a few hits in order to win the war.

“Come on Hanbin! I want to go to the pet store!” Hanbyul is tugging at his sleeve impatiently and he only has a brief moment with this mum on the way out.

“Thank you.” He whispers.

“For what?” She smiles mysteriously.

He pulls out of the driveway feeling off-balanced in a good way (if there was such a thing). There are more questions than answers and he still doesn’t know where his dad stands on the topic of Jiwon but at least they were all talking and his sister seems to be doing okay. So for now, that’s enough.

****

“What were you talking about with mum and dad?” Hanbyul asks over lunch. “Why did you look so serious?”

“They’re just worried about my life. That’s what parents do.” He says with a smile. She is even more inquisitive than he ever was at this age. “They’ll worry about you too, when you decide to grow up.”

She scowls at him with the fury only a 9 year old girl can generate. “I’m not a baby!”

He reaches over to pull her hair away from her face so it doesn’t get stuck in her food. “Nah, you’re always gonna be a baby peanut. Better get used to it.”

Hanbyul glowers a few more times before suddenly deciding that it just wasn’t worth the energy to get upset. Kids these days.

“So they’re not mad anymore?”

“I think mum’s okay. Dad’s just tired, you know. I don’t think they’re as mad as they were before, there’s just some adult things we need to figure out right now.” He kicks himself immediately as soon as he gets the words out because his sister pounces on them without missing a beat.

“Like what? What things?”

He sighs. He is never going to come out of this conversation alive. His sister had concentrated Kim genes- all the tenacious charm of their mum mixed with all the cunning intelligence of their dad. It’s a potent combination in a tiny 9 yo human.

“Like my job and my apartment. Stuff like that. It’s boring. You don’t want to hear about it.”

She wipes her mouth daintily and stares lasers at him. “Do you have a girlfriend that’s a boy?”

He’s so taken aback that he can only laugh. “What?! Where did you hear that?”

“My friend Mina said that her brother has a girlfriend that’s a boy because some people have girlfriends who are girls and some people have girlfriends who are boys. So do you have a girlfriend that’s a boy?”

Kids these days.

“That is the weirdest question.” He says, shaking his head. “You know that having a girlfriend whose a boy is just like having a boyfriend right? It’s the same thing. Some people like boys and some people like girls and some people like both.”

He kicks himself again. His parents will kill him for introducing their innocent daughter to the idea of bisexuality. He might as well start digging his own grave now.

“I know that Hanbin!” Hanbyul says, rolling her eyes condescendingly. She’s just a baby, when did she learn to roll her eyes? And where the hell did she learn about bisexual dating?!

“How do you know? Who told you that?”

“Mina’s brother picks her up from ballet and sometimes there’s a boy and sometimes there’s a girl with him. And Miss Lee said that some of the famous ballet dancers are like that and it doesn’t make them bad or weird. Oh! Do you know Tiler, Hanbin? She’s my favourite dancer! Mum let me watch her videos on Youtube, she’s the best.”

He just shakes his head. This whole time, he was agonising over how to explain to his sister that he was gay and in 10 minutes, she’s already explained the concept back to him.

“No, I haven’t heard of her. You need to show me one day.” He reaches across to tuck more wayward strands of hair away from her face. “Does it bother you that some of your favourite dancers like boys or girls?”

Hanbyul shrugs. “I don’t know. It’s weird sometimes.”

He knew it wasn’t going to be all smooth sailing. Maybe his sister understands that more than one type of couple exists but beyond that is harder to come to terms with.

“Why’s it weird?”

“Because it’s weird!” She says, exasperated by her 9 yo brain’s inability to articulate its own thoughts.

“What if it was me? Would you think it’s weird?”

She looks at him with wide eyes for a moment but slowly shakes her head. “I don’t think you’re weird.”

“Well, good. You shouldn’t hate people or tease them because of who they like, okay? You wouldn’t want someone hating you for liking ballet and Tiler right?”

She’s nodding her head but too fixated on her food and chopsticks so he doesn’t really know how much sinks in but this is enough for one day. There’s no point ruining their day together with social politics, there’ll be plenty of time for that when she’s older.

****

Jin finally releases him at 5:30pm.

He goes straight to the hotel room and falls face first onto the bed. There’s the temptation to just crawl under the sheet and sleep but he knows it’ll mean waking up in the middle of the night because he’s missed dinner.

Hanbin hasn’t replied to any of his photo messages, which makes him irrationally worried even though he knows there’s probably a good reason for it.

To distract himself, he decides to check out the rooftop pool in the hotel. It’s dinner time for most guest and he’s relieved to find the 25 metre pool empty.  It’s an indoor pool but encased by glass windows so you can see everything outside, including the evening sky.

After attempts at some hard and fast laps, he’s too exhausted to do much more than just float on his back and stare out the glass ceiling. The sky was violet, it reminds him of the colour of the sky on his birthday. It wasn’t the first birthday he’s had with a boyfriend but it was the first birthday where he was given a gift that meant something.

He still can’t get over the mixtapes. Nobody has ever made him anything like that before. Teenage confession letters were one thing but four mixtapes with handwritten tracklists were another thing altogether. 1 hour per tape equals four hours of music and probably days or weeks of thoughts and consideration on Hanbin’s part. That’s his favourite present. It wasn’t so much about the tapes themselves or the songs on them, it was really the knowledge that Hanbin sat down and put so much effort into something just for his birthday. It hits him in the gut when he thinks about it and lyrics start forming in his head as he floats in the warm water.

Locked with your thoughts I’m swimming With u right here I’m swimming With no-one else I’m swimming Wanna be with u

He eats dinner with the windows wide open so he can stare at the glittering night lights of Tokyo and listen to the ‘Before Sunset’ tape at the same time. The sky was dark indigo now and even though Hanbin was still not replying, he sends a photo of the night skyline anyway.

He recognises the song through his headphones, it’s something he remembers hearing somewhere before. Maybe when he was younger, when his family was still in America and they had long hot summers down the West Coast with the radio playing in the car. He lets the nostalgia wash over him, wondering how the hell Hanbin managed to find a song that incapsulated his childhood without even being there.

He’s playing with the little cardboard insert in the cassette case when he sees something written on the inside of the spine.

“I’m not good with words, so I’m using this to tell you instead.”

He wants to laugh because he’s read Hanbin’s articles and knows a talent when he sees one but on the other hand, Hanbin has always had trouble saying what he means and meaning what he says. Some people are better writing words and some are better verbalising them. Hanbin is the former and he himself is definitely the latter.

And right on cue, as if Hanbin heard his thoughts, there’s a message that buzzes on his phone.

[Hey sorry, had a big day. How did it go over there?!]

[Gonna look at all the photos in bed later]

[its was ok, we got along but it was only a quick 10 min thing. Hallucinated a Rap Yoda tho]

[what?]

[was takng a photo to show u and this dude just starts talkn to me like yoda in the sw movies]

[who was he?]

[IDK! super weird]

[That is weird. How’s the headache, feeling better?]

[yeah its fine. how was ur day? do anythng crazy?]

[Actually….yes]

[omg what]

[Talked to my dad]

He stares at the words for a full 5 seconds before attempting to think of a reply. With his chest thumping, he dials Hanbin’s number instead.

“Hey.”

“Don’t ‘hey’ me! What happened?!” He nearly shouts down the line.

“Tell me about your day first?”

“Fuck no. Yours is more important!”

“Jiwon….” Hanbin was using his Responsible Adult Voice.

“Hanbin….” He echoes in his own serious voice.

There’s a sigh from the other end. “Okay, fine. Well, I was in a good mood this morning so I rang mum to ask her if I could take Hanbyul out for lunch and she said I had to come over and talk to dad about it because they probably think I’m going to introduce her to being gay or something. Anyway,  I went over and we talked and nobody punched anyone in the face. So it was a pretty good day.”

There’s a pause then but Hanbin stays silent.

“And then what?” He asks impatiently. “Did he say anything about us? Or me?”

“He offered me a job again but mostly he wanted to know about your contract with Beatbox. He was worried about us not reading fine print and signing a dodgy deal. It’s a business school thing.” Hanbin says, almost distractedly.

“Babe?”

“Yeah?”

“You told him about my contract?”

There’s a quiet intake of air before Hanbin speaks again. “Shit. Did you not want me to? I’m sorry Jiwon! I just thought that-”

“No, it’s fine! I don’t care that you told him. It’s just, why would he be interested in that? Last time you all talked, there was shouting and they stormed out.”

“Yeah I know.” Hanbin says wearily. “I think mum got to him. Wore him down as usual. I didn’t ask her to do that but I think she did it anyway.”

“So, are they just okay with us now?”

His heart jumps with hope but he’s been in these situations before, with equally homophobic parents, and he knows that false hope is the cruelest of them all.

“I wouldn’t go that far. I don’t know what my dad thinks. They’re both trying and that’s all I can honestly say right now.” Hanbin finishes earnestly. “Hanbyul seems okay though, thank God. At least they haven’t messed her up too badly yet.”

“Oh yeah? That’s good. I want to meet her one day.”

“I know. I want you to meet her too but….”

“…just not right now. It’s fine Hanbin. Don’t stress about it, it’ll happen when it happens.”

Hanbin hums a vague response and there’s another pause.

“So tell me about your day?”

He sits in the chair facing the big window and watches all the lights flicker over the city in the distance. Hanbin doesn’t even interrupt him, he’s known for awhile that Hanbin finds his voice soothing and he wonders if he was ever read to as a child.

He’s half way through describing the hedgehog cafe when his body gives up being in an upright position.

“Sorry babe, I need to get into bed, gonna crash soon.”

“It’s okay, me too. My chest is killing me. Talk to you tomorrow.”

“I’m coming back tomorrow.” He says with a tired laugh. “Why’s your chest killing you?”

“It’s nothing.” Hanbin says quickly. “I’ll let you go. Get some rest. I’ll see you tomorrow? Your flight lands at 4pm right?”

“Yeah, I’ll call you.”

“Okay. You want me to hang up first?”

“Yeah.” He laughs quietly. “Night baby, love you.”

“I…..me too.” Hanbin says, only slightly tripping over the words. “See you tomorrow.”

His eyes are already half closed by the time he gets in bed but he doesn’t sleep straight away, instead he scribbles all the bits of lyrics that seem to flood his head all the sudden. He dreams of swimming pools, dimple smiles, violet skies and mixtapes. He can’t think of a title, that’ll just have to wait till morning.  

****

He hangs up first because Jiwon still can’t do that for some reason. His chest is aching but there’s something about the pain mixed with everything good that happened today that makes him itch to write it all down. His laptop glows into life but the words don’t look right on the sterile whiteness of the computer screen. Instead, he opens up the playlist he made for Jiwon and reaches for the notebook he jammed under the mattress all those months ago. 

It’s cold and smooth underneath his finger tips, the paper old and slightly yellowing with age. His favourite black pen still glides over it just like it used to. This feels better. It feels familiar. 

So he writes. 

Cloudy With A Chance: Chapter 0....

****

Soundtrack: Tiny Dancer -Elton John | Your Song -Lady Gaga (cover)

[lyiss016]

so harry styles wore a dress..

so harrys vogue came out. and people were mad. idk why. but, it did start an interesting discussion w my mom because she doesn't think boys should wear dresses cuz they are “for girls”. this discussion happened: 

she first said:

“I also don’t think there is anything wrong with being a “manly man”.  And, there IS such a thing as being feminine and I think that is okay too.  Girls shouldn’t be made to feel bad because they like “girly” things.   Men and women were MADE different.  That is good.  We fit together.  I personally don’t find anything attractive about men who are feminine or wear dresses/skirts/wear makeup, etc.  But, that is my personal preference.  I like that there are two different sexes and we were made to be different and compliment each other.” 

and then I answered w:

“i think my thing is i don’t get why clothes have gender... like wear what u want and leave it at that. wearing more “feminine” clothes does not make you any less of a man or less masculine, because clothes don’t define that.”

and then she said:

 “I understand what you are saying.  However, for myself there are some clothes that are clearly more feminine than masculiine.  Again, that is my opinion and doesn’t have to be anyone else’s. Like, I wouldn’t want to see your father in a dress.  No thank you!”

which I responded:

“but wouldn’t that be his choice??? (like if we r going w this example haha) and idk... i think that’s it’s good. why should there be so many “boundaries” in something fun like clothes?? like wear want u want and what makes u happy the end. i think that clothes can be such a good way to express yourself and that putting up barriers cuz it’s too masculine or too feminine is stupid. like why limit yourself?? and why be so upset that someone else is doing and wearing what makes them happy? idk... i think that harry or men in general wearing dresses and more “feminine” clothes and that being represented (not just by harry and not just by white cis men) is good, because there are going to be kids out there who prob feel weird for thinking or wanting different than what is “normal” (which needs to be changed within itself) and it’s good that there is representation, because clothes shouldn’t have gender because it’s just pointless boundaries that can in some situations make people feel trapped or different for wanting/liking something else. and i also think that clothes can inspire so much confidence in people, and that wearing certain things makes people feel more confident, and we shouldn’t limit it. if a man wearing a dress makes them feel confident, or a woman wearing a suit makes them feel confident, then do it!!  what about people who don’t associate w a gender? what would they wear if clothes really were assigned to male or female? idk, just why are pieces of fabric needing to be assigned to a certain gender? it makes no sense. wear what makes u feel happy n confident. the end”

“First, I’m not *upset* if a man wants to wear a dress.  I personally find it weird.  Isn’t that my choice too???  To think that it is unattractive?  As well as your choice to find it attractive???  I’m not advocating taking people’s choices away to wear whatever they want.  I personally don’t like to see men in women’s clothes.  You might not care , or not find it unattractive, but I do.  You are also entitled to your opinion, of course.  And, as far as clothes not being gender specific, that is also another opinion.  That is not a fact.  That is your personal view.  My view is that a dress is for girls.  If a male wants to wear a dress, of course, that is their choice, as it is mine to think that it is weird.  I mean, you got to allow people to have their own opinions, right??  Otherwise, that defeats what you are fighting for for all people, doesn’t it?”

“can a woman wear a suit tho? is that in your opinion? cuz it’s the same thing, just reversed. and it’s not about weather i find it “attractive” or not. it’s about people being comfortable in what their wearing no matter what. it’s people not feeling bad or wrong or different for wearing something that doesn’t “typically fit” with their gender. and yes of course people can have their own opinions. i just don’t understand why you would want to be close minded. what does it matter if people wear clothes. why can it only be one way? why all the boundaries? harry can wear whatever he wants and it doesn’t matter what other people think. but the thing is is that him wearing a dress is kind of a big deal. he’s the first solo male ever on the cover of vouge. and he wore a dress. i mean for some people that means a whole lot. but his cover means something to a lot of people, and it’s good! it wasn’t just harry behind it all, you know? there was his stylist (who’s non binary) and his photographer (poc) that were all part of this. it wasn’t just him that was in this and meant something to people. harry doesn’t have to defend himself because he’s doing what makes him happy. which is kinda the whole point right? like why do people need to have an (negative) opinion on what makes someone happy? and why are there even boundaries in the first place that would make some people think that way?”

“But, I don’t make them feel bad.  It is their choice.  I just don’t agree with boys wearing dresses.  So what??!!  I don’t have to agree with that, right?  I don’t like women wearing boys ties and dressing like men.  I think you assume that people who disagree with you are closed minded.  That is not a good position to take.  People will disagree with you your whole life, that doesn’t make them wrong or you right.  Your friend wants to wear a dress??  Go ahead.  Doesn’t mean I have to like it though.  Also doesn’t mean I will tell them I think they are wrong and they are terrible. I’m not saying it is wrong for them, I’m saying that I don’t like it.  There is a difference.  And, I think it’s a BIG difference that you are refusing to see.  Harry wanted to wear a dress, so he did.  That is great for Harry, really it is.  I personally don’t like it.  So what??!!”

 “i’m not saying that u make anyone feel terrible or bad for thinking or doing different than u. and i’m not saying that my way of thinking is the only way. i’m saying why would u close yourself off? it is close minded because your putting up walls of what’s for girls and what’s for boys when it doesn’t have to be like that/isn’t anymore. that’s what i was saying. and i’m not saying u have to like it or not. i don’t care. i was just wondering WHY which is why i started this discussion. as u are not the only one who doesn’t like it. but the other peoples reasons are because it’s not ‘manly’ and i was wondering if that’s why u didn’t like it either. and if so, how and why does clothes determine if your “manly” or  not?? and if clothes can take or add to that, being a man and “manly” is pretty fragile .”

 “I’m not closing myself off, I just have an opinion that differs from yours.  I think people should and can wear what they want.  It is their choice.  I understand your point, and it is taken.  I don’t think all gender roles are necessarily wrong though.  I think it is okay to have a separateness between what men and women like/wear/are/enjoy etc.  We are made differently.  But, to each their own.  I have no problem with that.”

“and i think what i am trying to say, is that we are trying to get rid of there being things that women can like/wear/want/are/enjoy and things that men can like/wear/want/are/enjoy. but i guess we will just have to disagree on that”

“I feel like that is a slap to the face for people who ARE female and ARE male who are okay with being who they are.”

“but HOW? like we still have those things? i’m a girl. i like being a girl. i like doing typically “girl” things. and i would still like and have them even if a boy or nb person likes or did them too. i would still like/do/have them even if we didn’t refer to them as a “girl” thing. i’m not understanding ur point.”

“Of course that doesn’t take them away from you.  But, saying everything has to be non gender based does take that away.  Why can’t people just like what they like?”

“they can. so why does it have to be gender specific?”

“Why can’t it be?  Why do we have to change the way it is?  Just like what you like and let it be!”

“then why can’t men wear dresses without society breaking? it can’t just be what it is because people are close minded. not everyone disagrees like u do and just let’s them be. some people disagree like u so but also take that out on the person. that’s why it can’t just be as it is”

“I don’t think society is breaking because of that. I think society is breaking because people are insisting on having their own way of thinking ALL OF THE TIME.  There is no agreeing to disagree anymore.  It’s you MUST think they way I do.  Be kind.  Be tolerant.  Let people be themselves.  That’s it.”

“i agree with that. be kind. let people live how they want. support people. try not to judge. be open to listening and understanding both sides. love. i think it’s that easy and i wish everyone would see it that way.”

-end-

so I don't really know how I feel about it. because, I agree that we should all let people do what they want and wear what they want. and like, my mom does disagree but like she wouldn't say that our be outright hateful if someone went against what she thinks. but I just don't get why she doesn't understand I guess. I don't understand why she needs there to be gender roles and won't budge about it. but then she says that we should be kind and let people do what they want. which yes. but she just doesn't agree w it?? idk. I think im confused because she's like just being ok w it, saying its wrong, but letting them do what they want? idk.... its like only half way “right” I feel like. 

but idk... I support harry. I think people should wear what they want and that gender roles shouldn't be so strong, or there at all really. wear what you want. be kind. love everyone. the end.

[jazzband22]

the silver mask review

NOTE: all spoilers will be under the cut, so if you havent read the book yet, i would suggest not opening it (unless you dont care about spoilers like me ^_^)

okay, so i know we all had low expectations for this book. i know we all knew it was gonna suck. despite this, i found myself feeling hope when i picked this book up off the shelf last night. maybe it will all have just been a big misunderstanding and the book is actually gonna be great!

well i was wrong. its bad. really bad.

honestly, as im typing this, i cant think of many things about this book i actually liked. i guess i liked that call had a lot of doubts about everything he was doing? he was constantly wondering if he was doing the right thing, which i can really relate to. im not an evil overlord, obviously, i just have anxiety. i also liked the banter between call and jasper and the development of their relationship. it was kinda nice to see them working together on something, and even helping each other.

now, for the things i didnt like.

this book was lightning-paced, and this did not work in the story’s favor. i read the whole book in one sitting, which im sure many of us will do, and i found myself wondering, “wait, we’re moving on already?” scenes are short and to the point which is a little disappointing. i expect more from this book, i know what it’s potential is. its sad seeing it coming so short.

another thing i didnt like was the dialogue and the characterization of some characters. the dialogue felt very unrealistic and stiff, like bad actors reading from a script. some of the characters were so one-dimensional, a great example being tamara. her development was completely destroyed in this book, which is crushing to read. alex felt very much like a cartoon villain, with a cheap motive and very little development of his relationship with master joseph, which definitely shows a more human side of him and could have made me sympathize with him more. call is super dumb in this book, and he hyper-focuses on things that have nothing to do with the story. for a good few chapters, his narration is so annoying because he only talks about one thing, which ill talk about under the cut.

this is the shortest book yet at 232 pages, and of course i am taking into account that this is technically intended for younger audiences, but ive read much longer, better paced, and more well-cared-for books intended for middle grade readers. this book feels like it was written in a few days, which really draws back to the fact that i think cassandra and holly have stopped caring about magisterium. a series with authors that dont care anymore is doomed to fail, and i believe that’s the direction magisterium is going.

that’s the end of the non-spoiler portion of my review. again, dont open the cut if you dont want to be spoiled!

(spoiler: this book is bad and you shouldnt spend money on it)

okay, so one thing that really pissed me off was how dumb call was acting about kissing tamara. he just didnt shut up about it, which was annoying to read since he was the narrator, and frustrating since hes supposed to be focusing on escaping or bringing back aaron! the callmara subplot was pointless and annoying. call and tamara didnt have nearly as much chemistry as call did with aaron, and im not a bitter calron stan talking here, im talking as a reader who wants to read a good book. callmara kind of ruined this book for me. there was no development, barely any discussion between the two, they kissed once and suddenly they were dating... it felt like they just threw it in because their plot map said they needed a romance. if it had more development other than anastasia telling call, “oh man, she has such a crush on you. its cute.” (which is pretty close to what she actually said) i would be less angry about it. plus, call obviously cares more about aaron than tamara, evident by him literally lying to her face about not wanting to bring him back, and once he does bring him back, his unwillingness to let aaron go like tamara asked him to multiple times. so i personally think calron would have been a better choice, except the fact that aaron is so magnificently fucked up after he gets resurrected.

which, by the way, can we talk about that?

you cant just bring a dead character back to life for 10 chapters only to KILL HIM AGAIN AT THE END OF THE BOOK. WHAT.

of course hes not actually gone, now hes a voice in calls head, which is worse than him being dead or reborn. we now have a bodiless aaron stewart floating around in calls soul. like. what the mega fuck. no one wanted this. no one.

i liked and also hated that aaron was different after his resurrection. i liked it from a plot standpoint, but as a reader who has had literal years to become invested in his character, i hate that he died in the first place. still searching for the plot reason he was killed off, by the way. i dont see any. ANY. viable reason for aaron to have died other than shock value. kill tamara! or jasper! fuck, kill celia! any of those people being killed would have the same bearing on the plot that killing aaron did. this is me being super satly right now, because aaron is my golden retriever puppy, but i mean come on. even if i didnt stan aaron i would still be SUPER pissed about his death.

tangent over. this didnt even happen in the book. who let me review books im so bad at this.

but yeah. aaron came back and then he died again. so. dont buy this book.

the ending was super weird? it felt like it was supposed to happen at the end of the series. it was very final. of course, they found a way to squeeze out one more book and take all of our money, because the rules are just being made up as we go.

thats another thing i didnt like! the rules of the whole chaos thing are super confusing and i feel like theyre just being made up for plot convenience? like alex being okay in the void? honestly i skimmed the epilogue (which isnt even an epilogue idk why they called it one) so i dont really know alexs whole void thing but hes not dead? hes in the void but hes gonna come back i guess because the plot says so.

okay. i could honestly go on for hours about this book but i only read through it once and im kind of afraid im gonna say something wrong in this review so im gonna end it here. in conclusion, i hated this book. a lot. will i still be buying the next one? of course i fucking will. will i hate myself for it? of course i fucking will!

dont spend money on this book. dont do it.

[meliorn]

life???? is pointless?? i asked my dad’s wife to help me study today and i really really don’t want to like she’s great and all but i’ve been so depressed this week like literally nothing matters and human interaction is physically painful like i’m so tense and i just want to hide and im so uncomfortable being around anyone except my family when im like this? and idk how to care about this assignment like i Have to do it or i’ll fail the course but all i wanna do is quit and just like? die? idk man. i’m so tired. it’s so exhausting just..waiting..hanging around, waiting for therapy so i can finally start living again like.. fuck. i hate everything. and im a really shitty friend and i let people down and? i feel bad about that i feel really fucking bad but also what am i supposed to do when i keep screaming for help and the health care peeps only response is “youre on the wait list :)” like bitch i know and im still depressed like? i’ve waited so long already what the fuck is the point anymore tbqh how am i supposed to get through this on my own idk what the fuck theyre thinking

[incoherentlynonexistent-blog]

Thinking Back....

I convince myself that you never cared...

Recalling all the times before

You let me go so easily

You lied to me on a daily basis

You hid things from me

You expect me to not be angry

You'd hope that eventually I'd come around

With how heartless and deceitful you were

Ill be damned if ill ever get over it

I doubt ill ever give you the understanding you desire

You want me to get better

You're a fucking idiot

That will never happen

Not with the amount you escalated

Not when you led me on again and again....

How can you think that ill just forget about you easily

How can you sit there and think of me in such negative ways

How could you not have ever been honest with me

Why didnt you just speak the truth to begin with

Instead of it being something new every time you explained yourself

That gives me the reason to believe you're fake as your promises were

You were never going to be serious with me

Because like you said

You're always kidding

Only when you say im being serious

Is the time to really take you seriously

And on that note

I guess that means you weren't ever serious from the start

You liked to make me think that way so you can feel better about yourself

You don't want me around because ive yet to get over the traumatic past you've put me through

Of course who wants that reminder

Not when the things you have now...

Weren't ever the things you had before when I was around

Perhaps you think I was the one holding you back

When clearly you're doing it alone

Youre in a pattern

A constant off and on relationship

So how is that my problem

How can you rid me away in fear of losing something you've done lost continuously more than you've actually lost me...

The only difference between mine and her in betweens is the time we spent apart

As if I ever treated you to deserve such demeanor

I lost everything since you've come along...

Despite the things I lost

I found you worth it though

Because I figured it was going to last for some time

Maybe not forever

But to the point what I had lost was worth it...

What I gave up to let you back in time and time again

You don't find me as worthy

You never did

While you're reading this smirking

Probably annoyed and aggravated

Or perhaps emotional

As if id ever fucking know

You and I both know what and how things really took place

We both know youre in the wrong for how you're going about this

Not to mention your reasoning

Either way I know Damn well you could be better and at least clean up the mess you made

Thinking back I recall you doing so very little

Why am I expecting so much from you now

When you never really tried for me before

You never stuck by my side

Before I became this angry hurtful person

I was so nice to you especially....

I used to be so patient....

Damn to think I once wanted to give you the world....

And when you think back to how you destroyed it....

I hate how I've become who you were those few years ago....

Except I don't have that ex that is as forgivable or even caring....

I don't have an ex whom is willing to take me back despite the stupid choices I made....

I don't have an ex that even has feelings for me anymore......

Thinking back....

I wish we never met....

I wish I never got involved....

I wish I never fell in love ...

I wish I never knew who you were....

Thinking back......

I can say with great sadness

You weren't worth it.......

You still aren't...

But hey look at me now...

I'm writing a post

That you're currently reading.....

It's still not affecting you any

Maybe there's no feeling left to feel

Thinking back you used to be so emotional

How I actually prefer that

Over this silent treatment

Even if it was nothing but lies and broken promises

Atleast I had a response....

Thinking back we've changed entirely.

But there's that part of us that's always going to remain

I hate that you won't even pick up the phone to see how I'm doing

I would text or message to see how you're holding up

But thinking back to all those times before

God forbid I get blocked again or no response at all

Just get left on read

Yet another thing

I'd never do to you especially thinking back

To those nights you calling me in secret

It pisses me off how you just played with my head so bad

And you've gotten away with it

You don't have to answer to me

You can't technically.

Your relationship prevents it

You would lose the same person that you've lost week in week out, month after month, just consistently since the beginning Of Your relationship

So you do win overall

I get to be the obsessive one

Im the needy controlling angry druggy that you can't and no longer have a need for

There's nothing for me in your life now

I didn't realize things changed that much

I never knew I wasn't good enough to stay in your life....

It hurts like fuck that it's been four fucking years total...

Why are you still reading this and not feeling something by now....

Seriosuly compare who you are to now and do the same with me

Think of how you really drastically changed it worse than what it should've been.....why can't you just really think for a second and reason to which why I've become the way that I am now......

There's another lost battle to fight....

Thinking back.....

I remember you telling me your memory sucks.....

At that point....

I think I'm done....

Its pointless when that's the answer on if you ever wondered how I've become so fucked up....

I swear on my life....

Nothing and no one has ever gotten me so fucked up as you have.....not meth....not cocaine.....not weed.....not acid.....not ecstasy.....not Xanax.....not anything......nothing and I mean not a fucking thing compares to withdrawels from someone you truly love.....I hate being angry.....I really do.....I jump down everybody's throats just for the simplest things....I'm really at lost for words on how ive become such a horrible person......Jesus I wished you'd understand that because of how you went about things.....in taking the anger and hurt I feel for you on everybody else....I mean ive become a monster.....how can you let me have become this way......its not your place now....but thinking back.....why couldn't you stuck around or make me a first choice for once in your life....even as a friend.....

Idk it just be nice if you did the major things for me as I have for you.....

It would have been an easier road to travel if you would have been open and honest

If you hadnt lied to me constantly....

If you didn't hurt me...

Idk what else to say or do to convince you to really change what you're doing ...idk what is even left to fix or if there's anything at all, but I would hope for someone who cared, I had hope that I was worth at least give it your all to someone who's lost it all for you in the first place...I don't want what you have fuck no.....I just want the time that I gave you...its all I ever wanted honestly.....not a relationship not asking for anything other than a few minutes out your day every other day or so just to chat.....you never gave it your all before.....thinking back.....idk what makes me think you'd even consider it now....

Glad to humor you....

Glad you could have a laugh before bed....

Its whatever....

Nevermind for asking

Just forget about it....

Like you've done me as well.....

Last one and I'm done...

Choice is yours from here on out....

Obviosuly the answer will be clear in the future....

I just hope that you at least understand where I'm coming from and realize the reasons why ive become this horrible.....

I'm sorry I can't be better....

I'm sorry you can't be around to really help me heal

I'm sorry I'm not worth you losing your relationship....

Idk I'm sorry for everything...

Seriosuly I apologize endlessly for who I've become

I'm not fond of her either....

She's rather fucking annoying

And I'm having a time refraining from punching her in the face

Seriosuly she's pissing me off

Can't stand the bitch

Idk why you ever dated her 😪😒😐

The fuck were you thinking

@radbakon

[thebreadcrew]

Bread Crew Text Post Meme Part 18

Criswyn: i like commit random acts of hubris. just pepper them throughout my life. someday god is going to smite me and i'm ready for it

Lilith: i was trying to say "c'est la vie" but i forgot the phrase and so long story short i shrugged "livin' la vida loca"/ whenever somebody responds with "I beg your pardon?" assert your dominance by saying "Then Beg."/ (@Aislyn) 'puts on my hand on your shoulder' listen I DID mean to make you upset and I DO think your opinions are shit/ i want to be gentle but im so full of anger/ i already have a job its called being hardcore/ whats it like,,,,to idk,,,,not be angry all the time???????????????/ [lawyer voice] first of all the prosecution makes a compelling argument, but have you considered this *puts middle finger up*/ i accidentally showed some weakness earlier today it was disgusting and i would not recommend it/ person (Aislyn): calm down me: I was calm but now I'm going to throw this entire desk at you

Aislyn: My favorite type of character is "they're not dumb but they are a dumbass"/ it's been one of those days for several years/ its all fun and games until its not that anymore/ are you okay? by normal people standards? no. by my standards? do you see me crying? no? Then yeah i'm good/ if you need me ill be in a bad mood/ me? Choosing the self destructive path instead of doing the right thing? U kno it/ Defective Cinnamon Roll, Not Meant For This World, Inedible/ (Lilith) "drop the attitude" first of all, i didn't have an attitude but i can pick one up real quick/ me: feels an emotion me: who the fuck authorized this?/ where's my oscar for acting like i'm not falling apart?/ im dealing with my shit the way im dealing with it. are my methods unhealthy? yes. are they effective? no. am i going to change what im doing. no/ ;( (that's me being flirty but also sad)/ how to predict the future: think of the worst possible thing that could happen/ tired of people always telling me to go the hospital and that i've lost a lot of blood, its my severe head injury not yours stay out of it/ u hate me? wow so much in common already/ 10 Tips For Beautiful Hair The Government Doesn't Want You To Know

Hawthorne: Do it for the aesthetic. Do everything for the aesthetic. Aestheticism is the only thing worth pursuing and even it is pointless. /in a room full of art, i'd still look at myself in the mirror/ What can I say? I'm charming and irresponsible *irresistible/ There's a fine line between being charming and just egotistical. I am that line/ isn't it funny how everyone is like background characters in someone else's story. Except me of course, because I'm sexy and important. But like, all of you guys

Freyja: "is a wreck" "gives people lifestyle advice"

Lilwyn: yall ever just yearn? ever get filled with the most profound sense of longing for something you can't understand? yall ever crave? ever had an unexplained ache?

[haeroniel-doliet]

thbleugh but what bich is gonna fight me for me

idk im just gonna rant again, im sorry if youre on mobile just like, give it a big flick and fly past this i tried i actually have a read more this time

anywy im feelin shitty an dumb n weird an its not fun?? like do we try categorize these feelings: 

1. i have 3 days to pass a course and all the course work i failed to do in fucking march 

1.b. all those emotions to do w unis great! but also ive been solow and sad and dysfunctional its not rly even funny, grades dropping many levels in half a year like. sure grades dont define my life but considering how easy it is for me to get those grades to see them consistently and kinda dramatically dropping isnt helping (even though like i actively know i got lower grades bc i didnt fucking attend class or take in any knowledge. i realise hahah im making a psychology reference bc im a smart psychology uni student.... hmh oh yeah we, we learned about this, i dont know it. my peers do. oh. oh i didnt, i didnt learn anything. oh no. im here to learn abt the subject im supposedly loving and thats the best fit for me bc like hell id be an artist. anyway i have a lot of shit down here i havent figured out who to talk it out to. the mental health advisor didnt have the time for it rly and w counsellors its been different topics but now were in summer and id rather spend the spare money i can rattle off my parents on ballet than a psyhc i could see 2 times best. im just gonna have to wait till septembet bc my dumb white wall subscitption expired too damnti. ugh im just, okay lets move on

2. inadequacy thats not justified? like it is obvs bc it bothers me and i know i can do better and i am better than this all and i clearly have smth stopping me. while to others im doing just fine if not better than them who are really struggling and kinda dont have sympathy for me who goes ‘ugh im doing so badly and struggling, i mean i write perfect essays in one go but its just so hard to do thattt and i know im smarter and better than this’ esp bc say putting words together in that way is difficult on them and not been good at school

2.b. like being good at school but noot being good now, classic phenomenon or has my school system always been the softes most coddliest and where in the normal or worse school 1would have performed average and maybe learned to study and the worth of it to do better, ive just been good enough that caring became so unnecessary i need to waste my time on pointless but constant other things. like youtube and rpchats. constant monotone stimulation for hours. andhours. 

2.c. asking for help bc im struggling w actually getting over the fuzzy and struggle and self hate and blegh feelings to do some work thatd allow me to pass the coursein my 3 days of the very last extended time. and then realising, ah either youve slaved over your work and stressed and panicked to have it good and on time and have no pity left for me and my foolishness, or you never got to uni/struggled to go to uni and think im wasting my opportunity by being an ungrateful lazy piece of hsit. and i know ia m. and 2.d. its the reason why im not doing extra volunteering or serious extra curriculars thatd give the headstart in my lfie. bc, even tho on one side i wanna be that kid and owuld scoff at ppl not doing it who are here for fun and get a degree on the side, rn i see it as not stealing away dedicated good peoples spots who deserve to get the extra recognition for being clever and independent, meanwhile knowing htat probablyill be just fine. worst case scenario for me is literally (ok theres worse but v unlikely) living w my parents and ending up at a mediocre service job to another mediocre office job or smth and never get to a lab bc i wasnt sufficient enough and i never got the cotton balls out of my head and cleared up again to be smart enogh

okay what next, shitty privilige, crying abt my cotton ball head or not being smart

3. okay were gonna do the smart first bc my chest hurts and i kinda feel like crying or smth abt it. like in a dumb (fun) chat im playing athena known for wisdom and all this shit, and though i can throw out a quip or two or cleverly use smth to keep the smartass wisdom stick going on, every now and then i realise how dumb i am and not smart enough that another person could clearly fill this in much better. like. you know all the hilarious posts abt mansplaining and women being pushed out of their fields by dumber men who think they know better bc the others a woman and like, yeah? things where they are confident enough to say, actually i am way smarter than you and i know this bettr. here i am feeling like even if i spent years researching smth i wouldnt have the confidence to feel smart and knowldegeable abt it. like rn, i cant even hold arguments anymore bc im a fool. and i come off as dumb and i dont want to be, i still wanna be the smart kid, but im not working my brain im not doing work or research or learning, im jsut floating by w my cotton ball head thats getting fuzzier and fuzzier and though i can do tasks and would probably b v compeittive if it came to that and need to prove myself as smart, i can no longer feel like id hold my own, esp when people poke holes so easily, trap falls, “hah you dont know what to say ive bested you you dumb bitch” vibey things i just. its horrible? i wanna be smart and be confident in my smartness and feel recognized as smart by other people and live up to that expectation of actually being clever. and not just, knowing im smart enough in some ways bc school ive  passed so easy w always good remarks and participate well in class discussion and all, and im sure nobody thinks im rly dumb bc if i have to ask things im v friendly and try to be attentive. and idk if nobodys expecting more than me, bc again if i cant answer ive developed to be v chill about it and come off as average i guess. 

anyways 4. privilige; like thers multiple inc. the fact im fucking finnish aka my education system was supposedly one of the best, i grew up international so i wasnt even confined to one shitty school in one shitty town, ive had varied school experiences and switching so much i think has given me confidence in myself and shit like that. also bc im finnish i get grants in uni, like free money. and so far i have barely had to use it bc surprise my parents are togther and decently well off bc they got lucky w a job being fancy ppl for 3 years and my older brother is already  adulting and slowly doing his own thing so i can have more money from them. aka. catch my dad paying all my rent and food and everything i need/ ask for on the condition we keep a good releationship. and im reasonable bc he raised me smart apparently idk. but that still means im living at home i have no intentions of becoming an independent home owner bc idk how i would esp since ill be with my parents most holidays for years to come and idk even when or how ill become a real adult being in a real home w real comapnionship. bc rn idk who im even gonna live with, hopefully be civil w them maybe even make a bit of friends but im not gonna have a significant other to move in and support me for a while bc thats a thing idk if were getting into today in this why im feeling shitty rant. 

4.b. so im priviliged in everyway to go to uni for free (damn i gotta apply for that again) in a nice country and a nice and supportive school and get funding from both my parents and my country and not worry abt money and just get a degree all supported and babied again. im also, idk. priviliged bc, fuck writing comes easy to me, i know nayone reading my rants would be like... yeah this is barely legible and terrible writted and mind blurts so i say it is yes bc its mind blurts but i can organise my htoughts into fancy essays surprisingly easy and critical stuff like psych and english came  mad easy to an extent. sure, i wasnt talented in math but i still made it, i am not talented in science but sometimes the concepts click and i can . but then, im also talented in art. and im not ashamed to say its privilige disposition or talent or smth, bc damn. i do not practice or dedicate enough love to claim that. sure, ive drawn always, sure, ive practiced more as a kid thatn other kids and thats probably carried me thru pretty far, but i think ive just had a natural disposition to be good at art technique (creativity maybe not so, or inspiration) but i know what looks good and sometimes how to achieve that. cue montage to art class where i sit w my friends who are talking about bands or making outlines w nut shells bc there i am beside them doing the work in half the time twice as good. mostly bc the teacher wasnt great and would assign essentially copying a picture from a4 to a2 u know like drawing the same thing. and thats not easy. and youre supposed to build up really light layers and slowly refine it.  and ppl who listened only ended up w shitty light drawings that either look like potatoes or vaguely like the picture, while i with boosting confidence would go, we only do one super light sketch one medium sketch and one dark layer. bc by the medium one everything is in its place and looks abt like everyone elses and i need the dark hues to show it accurately even if it isnt perfect, and my work would like almost always stand out on the wall bc it was so different/advanced. i wont lie it influenced my friends to not draw as well or as much sitting next to me, and ofc id feel bad and i could never boast bc i felt bad that they didnt try bc they saw me, thought mines not gonna be like that so im just gonna fuck around and do whatever. and i obvs needed praise but would always feel bad bc it was obviously me who was the best in that class and its so self conceited but, it kinda just was true in that small class half of whom didnt want to be there. me butt kissin and trying to impress myself w my skill. catch like, that first day he asked us to draw the person next to us, and i made my partner draw me first, bc i just knew if i went first theyd look at it and draw me a potato stick figure in 5 seconds and say i cant draw like you. and true. while the rest of the class made sketchy circle guys, some looing so childish, here i went and said, okay i find it awkward having you stare at me and if  you move a lot it makes it harder to be accurate, so, like take out your phone and get comfortable and look down at that for a while hence drawing3/4 unlike anyone else w eyes cast down and damn if i dont remember it being beautiful and identifiable as that friend, even tho the teacher told ppl around me like, ah yes she did it this way, 3/4 not face on which is much easier. which is true but bitch you never said. sides it looks so much better and was so much less frustrating. anyway, even now in that chat i go and like drop my drawings in bc partially i just wanna draw more and showing people makes me draw? u know. and i kinda wanna get compliments. but ive figured im pretty humble abt it. and sure i get comments that are like god i wish i could draw like that from someone that doesnt draw arms or legs and theyre v bublehead cartoon. and im like. you could. but yours is still middle school level, so just, keep working at it, get confidence to break your mold. 

that andtheres this one chick that,,,, gawd, well they admit to being a sociopath in chat which is great and seem real attention seekery in general (theres a surprising amount of people, while in midst of rp and getting compliments go “well i guess im a shit rpr because nobody wants to rp with me ://) post art and then be like dramatically UGH i hate it it looks so bad im terrible at art, literally poster girl for fishing for compliments. and even if i dont like the style at all, i try give in anatomical pointers or smth abt the drapery or smth technical i can complement. bc id want the same i guess? and i dont love let alone like the art itself. and then, while getting so many of those theyre like “yeah well nobody likes my art, say it reminds them of this character (jessica rabbit while all hers have big hips big tits tiny waists massive lips massive eye, but just one eye bc the otehrs covered by hair like theres obvious similarities) which means im totally not original like i thought so why even try!” and other melodramatic things that i can argue, but they dont wanna hear it they want attention and praise and i just ughhh i could preach you about how no art is original and its all from influence, or how someone doesnt have to like your style to appreciate it, or someone might love your style and like. basic stuff ive figured out myself. and it gets frustrating trying not to get a superiority, or to start shoving my own art in there to try compete or smth. and its just. hard. idk. id k. i know theres people who are averse to art and never tried to be good at it who are obvs gonna be omg thats so good i cant even draw and ill be like, hah yeah sure dude if you tried maybe btut thanks. 

also drawing man its so weird, whenever i see someone elses drawing a part of me goes “we must draw so that we can show were better than that” like, either to get complimetns and shift it to me? or to just show them off. to be like. i can do it better. which i kinda hate about myself? that i draw mostly bc of that and a need to show off? like amxxs art or smth, them talking like yeahh ugly art is good art, drawing is so healing i feel great or im so proud of myself for improivng so much look at my art, and a part of me goes, awh yes! my theorys proven working on art for yourself improves and can cheer you up, another goes, yesnow i must draw to show how good i am and show how i too feel fulfilled by drawing but also make it about me by weeping how i hate drawing myself. literally smths wrong w me seeing others pot abt their midrift, or learning to accept their curves or drawing themselves or smth, and theres a gremlin of me going like yeah but i cant draw myself bc i tried once and it looks like shit and ill only highlight my flaws and im slightly afraid of someone saying it looks exactly like me or other dumb shit, or i dont have curves to accept bcim not big hip big thic thigh girl im just. my legs are big but mostly ugly bc of the skin on them not bc of their size (ankles tho oof) and i have no hips i have no butt bc it allwent to my stoamch thats also ugly and my broad   badly postured back thats also ugly w these spots and marks and scars soon probably. and saggy boobs dont forget those. bc theyre literally fat sacks aiming for the ground i guess. anyway. no cute curves,  no beautiful skin no nth its just tough and i cant help but feel the negativity towards myself in almost every glimpse of someone elses positivity. i dont always air it which would be horrible of me to do, but its still there. making their happiness about my misery. maxx loves their boyfriend?> i hate them bc i dont like him and its rining it> i hate them havingsuch a dreamy but fake seeming ‘soulmate’ relationship bc its not true and i think itll end up terribly> im neveer gonna have that and im jealous of them i guess having someone theyd dedicate so much to and who loves them so much theyre all over the place making sappy things> well theyre an oveer romantic whod do it over the smallest things this wasnt a great example. 

anyway yeah extra note, even if i felt comfortable enough for sex im not comfortable enough in my body for that and idk how thats relevant to anything but i guess thats smth id also talk w a therapist abt whod probably tell me, then dont have sex! like yeah thats my plan.but im talking never gonna be able to form a relationship bc even having a friend for a sleepover makes me uncomfortable having them see me in an uncontrolled clothed position. u feel. 

anyway i have a lot of little problems that amount and i guess when i start addressing one the rest pop up their ugly heads and this is why i never getanywhere. this all comes from  how shitty i feel from how i have literally not even 3 full days to complete those tasks and pass, and i know i need to, though nothing in me actually feels like itll actually do the work u know, that spiraled through that chat into privilige of being at school and how i should tryy a bit that turned to im priviliged to be smart to pass and in my talent in art despite not being an artist that spiraled to another way i disliked myself and thats my fucked relations to myself my body and relationships (esp including me that dont exist)  

side note, though no surprise if for some ungodly reason youve read this shit i wrote at 8.30 am when i have a docs appointment abt my very ugly skin at 12.45 i over share. easily. if somseone asks id give them all. look at this. even in that chat i spiraled from, hah fun fucked up thing im almost failing my course bc im a shit, to my  heads filled with fuzz and i hate that i cant live up to my potentia. and im surprised how much i like this one guy, though who with his character ripped into my athena and make me question all my smartness, really makes me feel better ooc??? like theyre genuinely nice and just too informed and funny and playing the dick for a very well thought out reason (drunk doesnt mean it etc) and while the sociopath gal is giving me the side eye after they tried to help but figured out im a prviliged kid whos in school for free and not making the most of it and how easy school has been forme when for them despite their hard efforts they failed high school.u know not reallly helping kinda making me fele worse bc i know i should be doing better and could be and not only bc i have a priviliged opportuntity to and ability, i would benefit so much more if i did it for myself. but here comes by weird guy who slips on a freudian approach and claims they love helping ppl through their problems so i drop another overshare paragraph if he rly wanted to help but lighten it by taking thetopic off, he doesnt return and never address my post bc now its onto talking abt the big rp thing. im not mad. i just, idk i kinda wanted their support, another poor stranger to inflict w my extremely troubled wordy lengthy and i guess complex thoughts and feelings and lack there of sometimes and other shit. 

anyway im not doing great but im gonna grab 3 hrs of sleep before the doc, come back, nap, go to ballet again, come back, ad.... do smth.. work. maybe. one can hope. i hate it will it actually work only time can tell and i hate myself already.ugh. i hate i hate im not okya with this why cant someone else deal w me for me. deal with all these feelings and botherings and make me do my work and be satisfied doing it and do it all in time and feel a little success and reward myself like i should for work done and not just when i want. idk. someone,t ake over my life, you might be better at it. help me dela with school that i currently hate the most even if im meant to end up a scholar or smth