#idk this feels weird i don't really vent anymore and that's barely what this will be

[poppymadness]

meh

[jewish-vents]

My entire life, I've yearned for the kind of community the Jewish community and Judaism have provided me. I found out I had Jewish ancestry when I was a kid, I looked into it more later and realized my most recent Jewish ancestor (like three-ish generations back) was almost certainly forcibly converted out, and decided to convert to like. Make amends for that I guess and also because I really vibed with the holidays and how we turn up everywhere in history bc we keep doing cool stuff despite consistently shitty circumstances.

But I digress.

I have waited my WHOLE LIFE trying to experience the joy becoming Jewish has shown me, and that gets shit on constantly.

My sister has started making a truly obscene number of Jew jokes. My mom scoffs at all the 'nonsense rules' and has said repeatedly that she thinks choosing a 'restrictive' religion is dumb and I've made a mistake. She even said it's an insult to HER parenting skills that I would seek out religion after she tried to teach me to know better.

My dad is dead but I never ever in a million years would have told him even if he were alive, and my sister thinks it's funny to threaten to 'out' me as Jewish to his relatives even though they're basically KKK-adjacent so she actually enjoys threatening mg safety at this point. (Yay family right?)

My friends have turned everything into an Israel/Palestine discussion lately and I know damn well what they're doing when they start saying truly horrible shit about Israelis and looking at me. They get mad if I try to temper their extremism so I've given up. I barely talk to them anymore and I spend more and more time with other Jews from temple and I don't want to like. Isolate myself from all non-Jews I guess bc I've always felt like that leads to weirdness and perpetuates shit about Jews being unfriendly I guess idk?

Anyway I digress again. My point is I'm really sick of constantly being expected to tolerate it when people think I shouldn't be Jewish.

Other queer people think I'm somehow compromising my queer identity by being Jewish, leftists think I hunt Palestinian children for sport now apparently, right-wingers think I traffic good Christian babies for organ harvesting or some shit idfk, my friends think that if I'm not being more vitriolic in my hatred of Israel than they already are I'm some kind of secret rabid Netanyahu fan, my family think I've been recruited into a cult apparently and the only other people who show me even an ounce of compassion or regard are other Jews and Gd knows there's like ten of us and that number is unlikely to increase.

Just. Fuck. I've put blood, sweat, tears and money into this, I invested more time and emotional commitment into this than I have into going to college or choosing a career, I love it more than anything and have only loved it more the more I learned about it, and all I get when I express this or even just let slip that I am Jewish and chose to be, I get nothing but hatred. I will never understand how a religion that has spent all 5000 years of our existence minding our business and arguing about the same book over and over can possibly have offended this many people with our existence.

Dmn anon, that is a lot you're dealing with right now. I'm so sorry you're surrounded by people who clearly don't respect you. Because yes this is a lack of basic respect, and it is antisemitic. Now I don't know how old you are and how safe you are, but if you can safely do so, set very hard boundaries. Do not tolerate this amount of disrespect towards who you are. It is hard, and many of us have had to go through similar situations, as you can read all over this blog. But I think having to spend your life surrounded by people who make you feel unsafe and disrespected is worse. I know sometimes there are situations in which people cannot safely set these boundaries, I hope it's not your case, but if it is feel free to come here to vent again.

I know you don't want to isolate yourself from goyim. Many Jewish people don't want to. Sadly, when people disrespect us like this, they're the ones isolating us. It's not your fault. Seek people who love and accept you. Sadly, a good chunk of goyim won't - I'm not saying everyone, obviously, but a portion. Having a good Jewish support network seems to be more and more important, whether it's irl or online.

I hope you can soon be in an environment that's safer and more accepting

- 🐺

[compassionatereminders]

TW: abuse mention, death of family member, grief, gaslighting, victim-blaming

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Hey, I sent in an ask before, and I wanted to say thank you for your advice. I basically have cut off contact with my mom and stepdad (blocked their numbers), but now I am dealing with stuff from the other side of the family. This is more of a vent, but I'd appreciate it if you had any advice.

So, long story short, my dad's wife was abusive to me and my older brother. She and my dad have 2 kids both in their 20's. I told them both their mom was abusive and they did not take it well. That was back in January.

Fast forward to now, my grandma passed away a couple of weeks ago. I went to the hospital before she died. And I went to the funeral. But it's weird because I'm not actually that sad because we barely had a relationship. Everyone else seemed way more sad than me.

Anyway, I got really annoyed and angry just seeing all of them again. They're all dancing around the elephant in the room, which is the truth bomb I spilled.

I also found out my dad cheated on my mom, and I have another sibling. I didn't know that until a few years ago when my mom told me. It's ruined my image of him.

My little half-sister's response to the whole truth telling was, "I'm mad you didn't spend more time with me growing up, I thought you hated me." And I was like, really? They literally moved out of state. What did you want me to do? It's disappointing because I was actually worried she was going through the same thing I was, but I was wrong, I guess.

I had put so much pressure on myself to be a good role model since we almost were like their second parents. I tried to model compassion and kindness, which she is not showing me now. I thought she was like me, but she's much more like her brother and mother (not surprising).

And my little half-brother was just victim-blaming. But he's evil and has been since he was a child. Both the kids are very spoiled and self-absorbed, especially given their responses.

Everyone is letting me down. And I know it's not my fault, but it sure feels like that. Idk, I just feel really lost. And I felt conflicted about blocking everyone because what if it was an emergency? But they don't prioritize my safety at all. And they don't care.

Everyone at the funeral kept asking me how my older brother was, and I was so annoyed. We don't talk, and he also lives out of state. I don't know how many times I have to say it before it gets through.

And I just feel a lot of grief, especially when I saw my dad. And he barely said anything to me at the funeral. It could have been different. They're treating me like an adult now, but they don't know anything about who I actually am. They all want me to be someone I'm not. And I can't do it. Not anymore.

And you don't have to. You don't owe them anything just because you decided to participate in that funeral. I get that it's triggering to have to be confronted with your past and the people in it in this manner, but you absolutely still get to continue on the path you've chosen and to keep your distance as you move forwards from here ❤️

[guess-ill-dye]

Vent post

Everyone is so nice to me. I liked a very depressive vid abt how i hate talking abt how i feel (tumblr rlly helps honestly) and my friend saw it and said she would always be there for me and now I'm wondering why was she nice? What did I do to deserve this? Why are all my friends so nice? I am just loud, easily get angry and I'm not even that funny, I'm just rlly socially stupid and they think it's funny. Now that I think about it, I can't remember being as nice to them as they are for me. Am I just a bad person? Yn I had philosophy and we talked about that. We are all bad persons. But how can they be?? Is the world that unfair? Its the 2nd day of school and I'm already done with it. I loved the classes part, it's more all the expectation I'm putting on myself to get all 20s, go into medicine and be a doctor and then... idk.. but I've been so anxious abt it. I feel me whole heart tighten, my throat tighten, I want to vomit, my stomach hurts, just at the mere mention of how important grades are. I know I have potential. I'm smart. I used to be smart. Then I needed to study because my bare intelect is not enough anymore. I'm no longer the person that when the teacher asks who got the highest grade I'm the obvious answer. That happened. Twice. In three years. But 12 yo me would be ashamed of my 60%s and 50%s in 8th grade and 9th grade. I would cry. I didn't cry. I just accepted I was dumb now. No-one told me that. I just knew my parents thought it. They never seem proud of me. I had such a good grade in my 9th grade exams. 94 in maths and 92 in portuguese. It was splendid. I was so proud. I even won a bet. They seemed so apathetic. Like it was another 70 something on a test if actually tell them about for once. I need to be smart again. For a long time I thought all that was goof abt me was that I was smart. MY FRIENDS THINK I AM SMART. I DONT UNDERSTAND. HOW?? They didn't see old me. Before I changed schools. When I was someone and everyone knew my name and I knew theirs. Is it the glasses? Do they make me look smarter then I am? IS IT JUST THEM BEING NICE AGAIN?? being nice to me even tho I don't deserve it. I cant be nice. When I try to I just run out of words and trip over my syllables and then what comes out is and utter mess of what I wanted to say. I'm so sure that if someone sees this they will say that I'm nice and I deserve it but I can't believe it. I write so many nice words for everyone. My pinned post. I just can't say them to myself really. I wish I could be in peopled heads. I wish I knew what makes me worth being around. My Internet name is Alien exactly because I always felt so alienated from others. Like they speak a secret language I don't. Today at lunch my friend asked me if the person she used to like then disappointed her had any red flags and which. I just answered I didn't know him, but he looked kinda ugly. I was honest. Then they laughed. I didn't get it at all. He did look weird in the one photo I remember seeing him. I asked what was funny and they said my tone of speaking. I talked like I usually do. Maybe that's it. Idk sorry for this I'm just super anxious bcs of school. Yeah

[cookinguptales]

I'm about to have a couple of very physically trying days (which... means they'll probably become emotionally trying, too, with my current emotional state) so like. I'm gonna vent about something and it's dumb and personal but I wanna get it out now so it doesn't come out later at a more inopportune time.

I guess I'll preface this with saying that I don't feel like I can talk to a lot of people about this who are actually close to me, for a lot of reasons. Some people care too much, some people don't care enough, some people are wrapped up in other stressors and I don't want to combine them, whatever. I have a lot of shit going on right now and I've been trying really hard not to put more stress on people who have enough of their own to deal with but that kind of means that I've been carrying everyone else's stress while also trying to carry my own and that's. a lot.

So...... tumblr, then. Screaming into the void hits in a way that writing in a diary doesn't, I guess, though I've tried that too.

A girl I really liked turned me down recently. She was nice about it and I don't harbor any ill feelings towards her. I'd picked up some vibes and I was at least relieved to know that I wasn't crazy; she had some interest too (at least... to some extent, I guess) but didn't want to date for understandable reasons that are purely her own.

I guess as far as getting turned down, it's not the worst thing in the world. Like... I want to be clear that nothing I'm about to say pertains to this girl specifically.

It's more that. God. It's the pattern.

I was abused when I was a kid. In a lot of ways, I guess, some more physically dangerous than others but like. I guess the pertinent thing here is that I was... idk the word for it. It was a complicated situation. I won't get into all the details. It was sexual abuse of some kind, I guess. It was a relationship, if... a weird one.

She really fucked with my head, y'know? I was a kid. She wasn't. She liked "teaching" me things and keeping me at the end of a hook, but she never went far enough that anything strictly illegal happened. (Actually some of it probably was, but I didn't know that back then.) She got tired of me when I got old enough to question things a little.

It sucked.

I guess the point to all that is that I felt really violated and really stupid when it was all over. I... had a really rough period that I really only barely got through.

I had a hard time trusting people after that, but I had an even harder time trusting myself. I'd let someone in and it had been a very bad choice. I didn't trust my own judgement, especially re: other people.

I don't blame myself for it as much anymore. It only lasted a couple years and it was over fifteen years ago, in the grand scheme of things. I don't even think about it as much as I used to. But I can see how it's altered my ability to create meaningful connections with people.

I was in a really vulnerable place back then. I was really sick with a mystery disease, I almost never got to spend time outside of school with my peers, almost all my free time was being spent at doctors or sleeping, I was being physically and psychologically terrorized at home, I was being raised in this awful evangelical setting that gave me very mixed feelings about my own sexuality (and... also meant I couldn't tell anyone when an adult woman was messing around with me without also outing myself), and I just. I mean, I was a teenager. You remember what it was like. You hate yourself.

But someone liked me and someone listened to me and someone convinced a very guarded teen to open up to them and it was one of the worst mistakes of my life. So you can see, I guess, how it became even harder for me to do it again.

I've done a lot of healing in recent years; I don't want to make myself sound like some broken bird. I did feel broken for the longest time. Emotionally fucked up and sick and disabled and ugly and not nearly kind enough to make up for all my defects. I felt like no one could ever love someone like me, and when people did make overtures toward me, I would either miss them (assuming no one could want me) or I would mistrust them, for I guess obvious reasons.

I think... to some degree, I probably lost respect for people when they liked me. It was pretty fucked up.

I'm not exactly uhhh wholly better now. I still have a very, very difficult time believing someone could love me. But I guess... at this point, I don't feel like there is something uniquely wrong with me. I think I deserve to be loved, even if I'll admit that I don't fully believe it'll ever happen.

But I guess all this is to say... I don't catch feelings for people very often. I don't let myself, I guess. I tell myself I'm being silly or flighty or stupid. It's dumb to get butterflies at my age, and it's dumb to believe that someone could like me back. I think I could probably count on one hand the number of people I've genuinely wanted to date.

And... none of them wanted me.

No one was ever mean about it. They all had perfectly good reasons. It was never personal. But I think that's the problem now. I think that's what's kind of been fucking me up the past few weeks in a maelstrom of Other Bullshit Happening Too.

I can't tell you how many times I've gotten the "oh, you're great, I really like you, I just can't because [x]" speech. (Actually, I can. Because, like I said, I don't actually get to that stage very often. But I'm not going to tell you because it's humiliating.) And I've kind of danced around the idea before, but now it's really become like... a sickening sort of suspicion.

I think... I might actually be more broken than I thought. I can't help but wonder if like... can I sense it? Can I sense it when a person isn't looking? When they're straight or they're interested in someone else or they just don't do relationships or they just don't want one right now or they have their own shit they're dealing with?

Can I tell subconsciously somehow that they won't be in a position to want me, and that's why they feel safe to me?

Because. Like, there's bad luck and there's patterns, man. I never know these things going into it. I never set out to fall for a straight girl or a girl with a secret boyfriend or a girl who's just realized that relationships aren't for her or a girl who's planning to move or a girl who just can't do it right now. But I always seem to do it anyway. 100% success rate. I used to joke that I had the best gaydar in the world because if I was attracted to a girl, she would invariably realize she was straight. (Or, back when I IDed as more bisexual, any guy I'd be ??? about would turn out to be gay. lmao)

But like. It's not even just sexuality. I just always seem to pick people who are not gonna want to be with me, but not in a personal way. And like... do I subconsciously like that? Am I still afraid of a person who actually wants to pursue me? To be with me? Do I actively pick people who are in some way unavailable?

I don't know. I don't know if subconsciously picking up on stuff like that before even they know is possible. I might be giving myself superpowers here to cope. lmao.

I've had a few people express interest, I guess. Mostly boys, and I was never all that interested in them. I always just wanted to figure out a way to extricate myself from that situation. lmao. But even now, now that I'm really trying to put myself out there, I've had girls I've gone on a couple dates with. They always want to keep trying. I don't.

I've always put it down to a lack of chemistry (which is normal on dating apps, tbh) and the fact that, due to my own trauma, I usually need to know someone reasonably well before I feel comfortable enough to start to really like them, but. Now I've gotta wonder, y'know? Did I not like them because they liked me?

I guess... I don't harbor ill will toward anyone who's turned me down. They've all had perfectly reasonable reasons. And... no, I don't think that I'm some uniquely awful person whom no one could ever love anymore. But there's something about being 18 years old and having doctors touching you more than anyone your own age ever has. There's something about being 25 and never having been on a real date before. Being 33 and having never been kissed.

(Cringe.)

You kind of start to feel like... it doesn't happen for everyone, does it? And maybe you're just gonna die alone with the trees.

I guess I'd rather be alone than be in a relationship with a person who doesn't want me, or who I don't want either. I could probably find someone equally lonely to settle for me if I really tried.

But like... god, I don't need fanfic romance, but I just want someone to genuinely want me. To see all of the awful parts of me that I hate and like me anyway. To not be unsure whether they want to be with me or not, but to be excited about it.

I guess I just want to feel like I'm enough.

But I also guess I'm self-defeating, apparently.

I've gone on half-hearted dates because I'm trying, damn it, but I hadn't really liked someone in... god, probably about eight years when I realized I liked this girl. I was uhhh. Surprised. To put it lightly. lmao. I think I'd really managed to just about give up.

But I guess... I really have been healing, to some degree. I've had therapy, I've gotten quasi-medicated. I've done a lot of self-discovery. I thought that maybe this time, it would be different. She seemed like she might actually like me. Maybe I could actually be, y'know, normal.

I think... I'd almost kind of come around to the idea that I could be loved, eventually, maybe, a little bit? So I got up my courage and asked her out.

But I did it again, friends! I sure did it again. So as much as I tell myself that it was one flirtation that didn't really go anywhere, that it wasn't me, that it wasn't her, that these things happen and all you can do is try again...

It just. It gets harder every time. And idk if I can keep doing this. Hope hurts too much, maybe, and I'm not a very strong person.

Maybe I should just. idk. Focus on traveling and creating and helping people. All the things that idk how much longer I'll be able to do.

(I'm getting sicker every fucking year and I know it. And brooo if that doesn't fuck me up a little too. Who the fuck is gonna wanna deal with that? Even I don't wanna deal with that.)

I keep trying to tell myself that you can have a full life without a partner but like. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm that person whom everybody likes but nobody loves, y'know? Maybe I don't even need a partner specifically. Just... a person who really, really loves me. Maybe I just need to know that I'm capable of it. Being loved.

Just once. Even if it doesn't last. I just need someone to choose to want to be with me just once. And god, I need to be able to let them.

(My mom and dad love me, to be clear! But they also love my sister, who is a literal attempted murderer and confessed animal torturer. And me-torturer. So like. idk if that makes me feel better, actually.)

idk. I don't have some neat way to sum all this up. I just feel really lonely right now, and kind of stupid if I'm being honest. Like I tricked myself into coming out of my shell again and it just. Wasn't a good idea.

But... like I also feel like I've been lying around being stressed out and licking my wounds long enough. I'm not okay yet (...obviously) but I'm starting to depression spiral so it's good to get out of the house and be with other people again. But if I don't wanna break down and answer them honestly when they ask me how I'm doing, I guess I gotta be honest somewhere.

Today's gonna hurt a lot physically, I'm gonna be really tired, and it's gonna be emotionally difficult. But there will be good things, too, and I guess... all I can do is focus on that, right?

Sigh. I wanna go be with the trees. One week till California.

(Note: I did just want to say that these posts really are just a place to sort through my feelings and not some weird passive-aggressive bid for attention or something. I told everyone who might be involved with this post to avoid reading it! Though if they decided to do so anyway, they're probably thinking they dodged a fucking bullet! lmao)

[hardcolorfest]

✨️ AM I PLURAL? ✨️

Please help me, I have gone back and forth on this for years, at least 10 years which is literally like a third of my life so far!

Please, I am desprate for ANY outside views and opinions, I feel like I need others to read my experience and help me understand why I keep on getting into this cycle of "this is plural/no actually its not."

EDIT: this is LONG and I ran out of energy near the end so the writing gets really sloppy so I added a timeline of events up top. I'm so sorry, this ended up turning into more of a vent towards the end, but if anyone wants to read my life story and give me... uhhh........ feedback? I'm sorry words hard now I'm so tired.

I'm getting tired of the doubting and accepting cycle, the "is this normal and I'm just attributing it to a plural thing" floating around in my head constantly. I'm going to try and keep this short, but I'll need to lay everything out so anyone can get a full picture of what I'm/We're working with.

First of all, sorry this is posted on a random empty blog with a title and description totally unrelated. I was going to use this blog for something else but the crisis in my/our identity keeps getting in the way of doing much of anything solid for the last like year now. That's how bad this has gotten now, I hardly feel like a real person anymore and I don't know what to do. Secondly I'm really sorry if there are typos or anything like that. Sometimes my phone autocorrects something and I won't notice that it's changed it to something really weird, like it sometimes switches "I" to "you" and so on for like literally no reason so idk.

Now on to the meat.

🌲

The timeline so far goes > 2012 discover systems > understand I'm not one even though I'd like to be > follow and watch systems online while reading any resource or information posts > learn about tulpas > "make" first tulpa > seemingly gains sentience and gets angry > leaves > 2016 reset > 2016 does not care about being a system > fuzzy memory bullshit here, none of it has to do with this posts topic > 2019 reset > mostly uninterested in being plural > in 2020, 2019 me decides to try make a tulpa again > goes surprisingly well, much faster than last time (which I barely remember at this time) > he eventually talks without my focused effort > I doubt his existence being real > he gets angry, we argue for weeks > eventually he disappears, vaguely sometimes feel like he's "checking in on me" > the 2021 fuckery (more trauma) > homeless and feeling alone > now have stable housing > vaguely refer to self as plural and make a pk and list out like 6 headmates including yourself as one and the past tulpas > goes well and smoothly for a while, everyone's pretty happy despite acknowledging past trauma and working on that together > 2023 reset happens > make new accounts again and feel upset about all these past events > is happy and having a lot of fun all year > occasionally still feels like the logged pk headmates are vaguely around but can't really talk to them much anymore > sometimes fully switches out anyway but not too long > remembers these resets happened before and makes posts to 2019's freinds > mixed reception and lots of questions, 2023 gets overwhelmed and never answers back > now I feel guilty

✨️ I will now explain in more detail.

So for the last 10 years, probably a little longer by like a year or two but I can't be precise, I've known about plurality, DID, tulpas and other concepts like this. I've also been aware of kins/therians/otherkin/fictionkin and so on and related concepts for much longer, 20 years or so, give or take a year or two again. I've never been very good at role-playing, and I struggled to "play" anyone but myself.

Since learning about systems, I took an interest in them. In the concept of being able to step back and let someone else take control. The idea was extremely appealing. I've been traumatized from a childhood of neglect and abuse, and life was starting to get to the point it was wearing me down to nothing. I wanted to take a break, to "die but not die" as I had put it back then. To "go away" with little financial consiquence and come back when I felt recharged. I wasn't really sure how I felt about sharing my life, but was willing to if it meant I could sometimes take a break. Gladly.

So I did a lot of research, quietly reading and observing people online. Maybe it was a little creepy, like watching a fandom from afar and learning what the show they liked was about secondhand through them. I think after I learned about how DID presents, I decided it wasn't really how I was at all and concluded for sure I was not and never could be a system since I did not talk to voices in my head, loose control of my body, nor have severe trauma (to me at the time, this is definitely not the case) and therefore I was not a system. I still watched from afar though.

I think I learned about tulpas around then. I knew I wasn't ever going to have DID due to my conclusions at the time, so I guess I could emulate a headmate until my brain thought it was real. And I still do think you can do this, don't get me wrong, I am fascinated by the human mind and how we process things and the nature of consciousness from a scientific level. I don't think its too far fetched for our brains to be able to do this, genuinely, even if I choose weird ways to describe it.

Anyway, I did try to make a tulpa a few times, maybe twice honestly, but each of them eventually got angry with me once they got to the point they could talk freely. The anger was about me doubting their existence after they were no longer being consciously forced and could do things without my input. Each time, after a little bit of arguing for weeks, they would disappear and I would be left feeling alone in scilence and upset at the fact that I ultimately caused them to leave me.

I have, in the past, "reset" myself somehow. I don't think I did it intentionally, I'm not even sure if there's a common trigger. It's happened a few times. It's happened in the past but I have no real memory of them except for vague feelings and fuzzy memories that feel like I'm seeing someone else's life. However I do remember more about the last two times than any other times.

The first of these was around 2016 I think, and that version of "me" now feels like a complete seprate being who has their own name, likes and dislikes, interests and hobbies, spiritual and political beliefs, and vision of themselves in terms of looks and self-concept. And then in 2019 that version of "me" got packed away into the back of my mind and suddenly I was someone else.

This 2019 "me" had some leftover interests, and of course had any knowledge nessicary to still life the continuous life that having a body and a presence requires, like knowledge of family and friends, jobs and schedules, and so on. It felt like taking over someone else's life, but none of their stuff is really yours. Their freinds suddenly feel like strangers, or at best acquaintances you could say "hello" to but really couldn't hold a conversation with anymore. Even interests and hobbies that carried over were either dampened feeling or the focus of that interest/hobby changed significantly enough that it wasn't really expressed in the same ways. 2019 "me" enjoyed art and drawing with a lot of the same enthusiasm that 2016 did, but with less of a focus on furry and more of a focus on anime, and in particular diving into the world of en ess eff double-yew, which 2016 was not interested in the least but 2019 was vigorously passionate about lol

The further back in versions of "me" we go, the fuzzier it gets. But the general feeling is the same. You wake up in a room with someone else's clothes, books, toys and collections and you have to fight yourself to not immediately throw them all out. You know that would just make them sad. And they do kind of pop back in, although usually only for a short time, a few hours to maybe a day or two, where you just suddenly feel like the past you is you again and everything from the name association, hobbies and beliefs come crashing back like a tidal wave, washing "current you" out of the picture for the time. And besides, they miss their friends. You think about their freinds from time to time, wanting to talk again, wanting to make the lingering sadness happy again...

Its happened again, 2023. I remember more clearly about 2019, since that was the "me" before me.

During 2019 me's "life" I went through another pretty traumatic event involving others who I trusted at the time, ended up homeless and really effed up. Obviously I made it out okay for the most part, I'm still alive and I'm here. I think 2019 me started dying around that time though.

And as it felt like 2019 me was dying, "others" started to feel like they were there. Past "me's" and the past tulpas and others as well who I never tried to intentionally create or who I remember as being a "reset." They would sometimes take over, like in that I would feel like I would suddenly be them and identified myself with their name, enjoyed their likes and hobbies, the dislikes, the views and opinions. And I wasn't actually "me" anymore, I was fully "them" in my opinion. Like a shape shifter who still feels themselves in the back of the current "you." Not really like a performance, like it was natural and correct.

At this point I want to notice we had stable housing and a stable job. Things were looking up around the time it felt like 2019 me was fading. While homeless "I" was the only one present, struggling to stay alive takes your full effort and attention and leaves very little room for thoughts pondering your potential identity. But after having a safe place to live is when we had that boom of sudden activity.

A lot of not much happens except daily life and occasional switches logged, happily accepting self as plural. Quietly too, I never ended up announcing it to anyone, and for most people we appeared as a single entity that just sometimes got into specific "moods." I was never actually interested in being loudly plural, even when I desired being plural from afar. Even back then I agreed (with myself lol) that if I ever found out I was plural we would keep it to ourselves and enjoy each other's company like an in-joke nobody else would ever be aware of but us.

But we did start to fade a bit, and after maybe just a month into 2023 everyone disappeared.

After the 2023 reset, I was left all alone, with all the knowledge of everything that happened. I felt again like a stranger in someone else's body, in their life. I knew inherently to keep up the charade and not tell anyone. I knew I couldn't just go up to 2019's friends and tell them "I'm sorry but you're a stranger to me now, like my sibling's friend's friends, and I'm really hurt by this because now i feel alone and empty." Nobody takes that the right way.

And I found a new fandom to be interested in so I could just pretend and "be someone else" and not have to address to 2019's friends why I suddenly stopped talking to them. New accounts, new personality. No name. Had several months of happy fun fandom time before the really bad feelings about abandoning my freinds and not explaining what happened at all to them started to set in.

Still, I was happy. I got to exist freely this time, maybe I could openly be plural online! But you know, the whole emptiness and they disappeared thing. It sucked, but I got little whispers here and there. Now that I think about it, I think they never really disappeared but just got super weak.

Whatever, the point here is I want them to come back but we keep having strained communication and difficulty with fuzziness any time any "non-me's" try to take over.

And I felt guilty.

So I messaged some of 2019's friends recently with mixed reception. Some of who just seemed like they were happy to hear anything at all after I disappeared completely for almost a whole year. Some who never really responded, Some of who I'm not even sure if they have seen it. Nobody really angry or anything. I didn't use any words like "plural" or "headmate" or anything. I explained it all as the past me being packed away completely, including the things they cared about, but still feeling that little sadness about it. Nobody brought up plurality either. I'm okay with that, I don't know if it's good to just suggest that out of nowhere to someone. But the lack of any question about that, especially from people who I know actually do know about systems, made me think really hard about if anything I expereinced here was even a plural thing or if it was just a mind trick I did because I was struggling with long lasting traumas. And I understand how ridiculous that sounds. I'm aware. I'm just trying to get it down in words that can be understood, it evokes that feeling of knowing you're right but fearing you're mistaken.

I'm so sorry I'm really tired and I didn't realize how long this post would take to type. I just got out of an exhausting shift at work and am so low on my battery words are starting to feel a bit strange for no reason.

So to cut the rest, the point in making this post is outside validation that I either AM or that I AM NOT making shit up because I wanted to be plural 10 years ago, or that I fucked up my brain by trying to make tulpas, or that I just discovered being a system through making tulpas I guess, or like what.

BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY I am super upset and feel really bad and guilty and responsible for not being attached to anything from 2019's life, including their freinds and I have no idea why I have these "resets" and is that just a normal "living and growing as a person" thing or is that what splitting or whatever feels like or like... is that just me being an asshole?

Am I an asshole?

I feel so empty, no name, no freinds, no real personality except the emulation of an anime character... abandoned everyone I cared about for almost a whole year... its hard and requires a lot of effort to "be" the others, or even talk to them... I'm so tired.

[juliets-roller-derby-awesomeness]

okay actually im just gonna vent, there are triggers in the tags but: negativity on halloween, depression/apathy, slow platonic breakups, autistic sensory meltdowns, fomo, parental issues, wasting time, new girl spoilers

im hiding in my bedroom because i had to load the dishwasher and i hate loading the dishwasher bc of the smell of dish water and the thought of touching food on dishes and andjsjdj i hate it

and my brother invited his friends over and i haven't showered but i also am wearing like a pj shirt and no bra and i don't want to put a bra/binder on because ill just get it dirty bc i have to shower tonight but i don't want them to be weird (my brother is still in high school lol) and i got in a fight with my mom and i spent like 3 hours making cookies and watching new girl and going in the bathroom to hide so i could stim about new girl and it feels like i didn't do anything productive?? or like i wasted a bunch of time??

capitalist brain rot goes crazy

i wanna go out and join but i really don't want to talk to my mom or put a bra on but it's halloween and i had a whole plan about what i was going to do when i was home alone and then i wasn't home alone because my mom got drunk and changed her plans and came home to hand out candy and i spent way too long making cookies bc the butter was frozen and i was watching nick and jess get married

im making cookies for my friend (T) that's been sick for like a week and she hasn't answered any of my texts and we've been growing apart and i hate it so much we were so close last year and now im so damn lonely all the time which is why i was so excited to goof off with my brothers friends tonight but i feel like i blew it

another friend (L) and i had this whole elaborate inside joke about my immortal, we would recite the first chapter to each other and watched strange æons reading of it for 1M subscribers and made ebony in the sims and woohooed her to mortimer goth

and in like may we said we were gonna dress up as ebony and draco for halloween, but then we kinda stopped talking and when i texted her to see if she still wanted to she said idk. so like. then i come to find that she is dating this guy (who's one of our mutual friend's ex), and he was the one that told me L and him were going out. She's been out as a lesbian for going on 6 years now, and like obviously sexuality is fluid and im happy for her and etc etc, im not saying she lied to me about her sexuality or that their relationship doesn't mean anything (/gen) because i know nothing about it. which is like,, kinda my point, she likes a guy, and she never told me?? it's not that i feel entitled to know everything about who she fancies but like, this feels big to me and was like a thing like "wow we really never talk. i really like, barely know you anymore and you were my best friend 5 months ago"

anyway all that is to say, L's bf was mario and she was wearing a pink top and a crown so like. what???

[aster-is-confused]

I HATE GENDER

where there used to be a strong feeling of boy there's kind of. nothing? and it's frustrating because i've made literal years of progress towards being seen as male (getting people to use my name and pronouns, going on t, etc) and now i'm not even sure that's what i want. like i don't think i want to be a girl but i'm not sure i'm nonbinary either, or maybe i'm nonbinary but in a completely different way than i was nonbinary when i was 13, because this feels so different to that. like maybe i'm kind of a gender now but there's still something there i think? maybe i'm maverique but i don't want to deal with a label no cis person has ever heard of as my main label. and he/him feels weird, like it's fine as a default but it's still kinda weird and clunky but so is they them and she her and literally nothing makes sense anymore i literally can't!! and sometimes i want to use neopronouns but how would i get people to use them i don't want to be annoying or making myself a target for transphobes at college (i'm going to oklahoma! why am i going to fucking oklahoma!!!!) and sometimes i just wish gender wasn't even real so i didn't have to navigatr the maze ughhhhh i was so.confidemt in my identity gor so long and now it's just slipping? like i don't know who i'm supposed to be but it's not who i was. and i know it's plurality related because when i have a big shift in gender it's always plurality related but this is exactly what i was afraid of with transitioning whole plural. i transitioned because our old host was a cis girl but our new host was a guy so we transitioned. but what if I'm switching to another girl host? what if i have to detrasntition and no one will take me seriously about what i say about my identity ever again because i was one of the "confused little girls seduced by transgender ideology?" it's just like. i don't know what's happening and i wish it wasn't happening because i liked being a strongly xenic boy. that was fun and good and i liked my gender. and now it's dark and hard to grasp and so boring and yet still so so confusing because it's different. and i should be talking to my therapist about this and i probably will but i can't explain my concerns with plurality because i still haven't told her about that yet because i'm worried she'll try to pathologize it and also im not even that plural anymore so it really isn't all that important anymore since i'm median now and it's mostly just different versions of aster that i can barely distinguish between. but really i should've told her a while ago when evie was pissed at me for "stealing her life" or whatever because now i can't find her but i know she's still in there somewhere being pissed at me. and oh look now that i say that someone is coming to front. it better not be Evie because i cannot fucking deal with that right now if i just front triggered her. uhh yeah no this isn't evie but idk what's happening here with this vent so i guess i'll just post it and go do something else because clearly we all need to calm down for a little while. we have therapy later today anyways

[nepsah]

Ugh I was going to sleep but I've got so many thoughts in my head that i can't.

Idk!

I say it may be time to duck out but was i ever really in? Its hard to say you're part of anything when you feel as if there's always an invisible wall between you and everyone else.

I'm not sure when it started - how long I've had it in place but its hard... To talk to people. To interact. To feel like I'm... One of them? A consistent feeling of being alien permeates my life and i know its more than likely my own fault but I'm not quite sure where to begin fixing it -

Does it need fixing?

In the history of friendships and more involved relationships there lies a persistent need to be useful. I need to give some thing to earn affection or companionship and its very rare that i dont feel that need with another person

Maybe the wall is there because its very easy to be taken advantage of when your method of befriending others is to give - art, compliments, ideas, collaboration, a shoulder to cry on... Ive played therapist to so many people to my own detriment that i now no longer feel comfortable venting to friends even when its stated they're alright with listening. Its only when I'm Really upset that i do and I feel awful about it later... Because I've been on the other side, patching up someone else when im too emotionally drained but forcing myself to do it anyway bc.... That's what Good Friends Do(tm)

Its taken a few years for me to unlearn that particular flaw. I'm not putting myself in that place anymore but I remember it - sort of. As much as I can remember anything.

Idk. Its a weird feeling. I used to think I was a very good brainstorming partner - but after my usefulness dried up there in one particular friendship I found myself on the receiving end of silence in what I'd thought was a close friendship...

Now i dont really feel much confidence in that anymore. Or, like... If I do it it'll just wind up with me getting attached and them... Leaving.

Its not like it really matters tho- these days all I seem to be able to come up with are vague feelings, a half-thought out scenario... Part of a character. Nothing concrete.

I'm not sure where this is going but my head is starting to feel a little more empty so maybe this was what I needed.

Back to being alien.

I... Dont really recall the last time I really, truly felt like I belonged somewhere? And its not because people are unwelcoming. A lot of ppl I talk to are friendly and nice and make an effort to include others - its nothing on them...

I just...

Always feel out of place.

Like somethings not right. About me, specifically.

I over think, I misunderstand, i freeze up and have to write one sentence 10 times before I feel like its acceptable and even then sometimes hitting the send button feels like ripping off a bandaid.

I wish i knew how to not be Like This. I wish... I knew how to be comfortable. Maybe... Not feel like I'm living on the fringe of everything and at any moment whatever "community" im in will point and laugh

Or shun.

I've gotten better at stating when i think im misunderstanding but sometimes I think whats really happening is im just calling myself stupid and hoping whoever I'm talking to won't make fun of me for Not Getting It.

It being literally anything. A reference? A question? Instructions...?

Idk.

I feel like im too old for this but at the same time I feel like my chronological age does not match up with my experiential age, if that makes sense.

Like there's so many Things People Do that i haven't or have barely done and now... It seems a bit late for that. Like i missed that train. And logically i know that's not true but in practice... Eh. I don't know.

Sometimes I don't even know if i want to have those experiences or if i just want to not stick out like a sore thumb so much anymore.

Bc it feels like i do that everywhere. And not in a "oh im so different and unique and special" kind of way - more like a "point and laugh at that idiot" kind of way

Bleh.

I'm gonna call it quits on this post.

I'm sure it makes no sense but I don't really feel like i make sense most of the time anyway.

Just another side effect of that wall.

[one-abuse-survivor]

hey i sent you the ask about taylor and penelope. well so far a week of school has happened. i barely see or talk to taylor anymore, and when i do her new friends and BF come over and take her away. i only sit with her in one of my classes because it’s the only class she doesn’t have friends it. all the other she sits away from me and i end up sitting alone without anyone. occasionally one person will sit with me but i wouldn’t consider them friends. penelope is better but still weird. i only have one class with her and she’ll sit with me. she’ll hang out a bit more at recess but has also be running off and there still times i hide out in the bathroom. and when i hang out with her she has all her other friends and none of them really try to include me and i sit there and don’t speak. or when i do they change the subject quickly. i definitely feel like i need to ditch taylor, but it’s hard. feels like im ruining it all. penelope idk anymore. she’s there but then she’s not. it’s confusing, and honestly im waiting for the day she leaves me again, or the day where she, or taylor are talking about me behind my back again. im just so tired and idk what to do

add on to the taylor and penelope ask i just sent. it’s also weird because penelope told me that she kept asking taylor to hang out on the school holidays but she was always busy with bf or other friend. which like confuses me because she never asked me to hang out.. she asked the other girl who we both knew wouldn’t say yes (never did when i’ve asked before) but didn’t ask me? like i would’ve jumped at the chance. if anything neither of them really spoke to me. i would always start the convos unless it was them shit talking about themselves or other people. it was always me putting all the effort in, going out of my way to do everything and never getting anything back. happens with objects to. let penelope borrow a container before school holidays and never got it back. she brought it to school to use too. yet i borrowed her calculator and i made sure she got it back straight away. it just feels like neither of them were really in it for me, just for how i could help them. like with school work, items, a way to vent, a second option. nothing more than that

Hi again!

I'm sorry this is still going on, nonnie. It doesn't sound like you're ruining anything: it sounds, as you said, like they're the ones treating you like a second option and constantly taking from you when they need something without giving anything in exchange.

I'm glad you came to the realisation that you need to ditch Taylor, but I understand why it's hard. I do think they both deserve to be ditched, but even if you don't end either friendship until the end of the school year, the most important thing is that it's an active choice on your part not to do so. The important thing is that you're aware this isn't how real friendships work and that you deserve better than this. You're not ruining anything, and you're not meant to just be other people's second option for when they need help or company or to vent. You deserve to be surrounded by people who actually enjoy talking to you, and hanging out with you, and who are respectful of your time and belongings and feelings.

I also want you to know it's okay to say no to them. Your only two options aren't to ditch them altogether or to constantly be there for them. You can also start to make a change by saying no when they ask for your advice, or to borrow your things, or to sit by your side. And if any of that angers them, let them be angry. You don't owe them your time, energy or belongings, and it's about time they stop feeling entitled to them.

Good luck with the rest of your term, nonnie. Sending a hug ❤

[traunnatized]

I miss having friends. It's not just the isolation thing, i've barely talked to my "best friends" for like a year. And it's not me ghosting then cause I keep messaging and they half ass respond maybe once every 25 times. And I know that they're busy and they have a lot going on but when do I draw the line and stop putting in effort since they clearly have other priorities? I mean we're friends on snapchat, I see them talking to each other all the time and talking to other friends and I know that it's different when they're in the same state as each other and I moved away but it just feels like they don't care anymore. I thought we'd be friends at some level forever, I thought we'd always have a relationship where we could catch up no matter how long it's been, but idk if I want to be the back up friend who is always there even though they aren't. I mean I know i'm not the very best friend for either of them and that's fine but we used to be super close and I just can't pretend it's okay with me that neither of them has responded to me at all in several months and that this has been a pattern for several years now. I miss them and i'm sure i'll want to talk the second either of them messages me cause I don't have other friends but it hurts. And I can't help wondering if it has something to do with me coming out to them as nonbinary (at least with one of them, the other was really supportive). Idk I just miss them a lot and they were kind of my only close friends so it sucks that i'm here if they need me but they're never there for me anymore. Idk, I used to spend all my time with them and crashed at one of their houses for weeks at a time when I didn't feel safe at home so I want to keep being there for her at least since she's done so much for me and we used to be super close. She would let me crash there no matter what, I would come pick her up from anywhere the second she needed me to, our other friend was always there to talk. We were all there for each other. I mean we went to elementary school together, a weird ass private christian elementary school that was super fucked up in a lot of ways, and we were bffs there too and somehow it translated to being best friends when we reconnected after high school. But now it's just gone, it's like they're strangers. I didn't even know one of them was pregnant until I saw it on snapchat and she still hasn't responded to or even opened my congratulations message (since she seems happy and excited). I know they don't owe me anything, they don't owe me a response or attention, but if they want to stay friends I need them to put some sort of effort into it too. And what scares me is that maybe they don't want to be friends anymore, or just dont care. They didn't even tell me happy birthday (though the supportive one who is also the one I crashed with all the time did send a late happy birthday and some money for a cake after she saw my sad tweet about how nobody had said happy birthday and I had to doordash all night to pay car insurance and couldn't afford a cake). Anyway it's sad lonely hours rn I guess. I'll get over it, I always do eventually, but I just need to vent