#idk the idea of being able to totally be myself around someone makes me cry a little because I've had to conform my entire life

[prime-adeptus]

something about a guy who can absolutely kill you but is a total softie when he's with you, is just the perfect one, someone you can be vulnerable and intimate with, someone who loves you as you are, someone wh-

[amymbona]

“Every night when I go to bed, I dream of walking up to hundreds of asks in my inbox that could captivate my attention for the whole day and I wouldn't be able to stop writing”

i feel the need to reveal myself as i’m a sucker for fics and i recommended the blurb of soft patrick 🤭 i love your writing style.

you should totally write something where patrick fails to find anyone who truly understands him except for the reader (yk cause they’ve known each other for forever and the reader is like perfect for him and just an overall amazing person). and he fails to find anyone to connect with, if u know what i mean 😈 PLS GET IT IM SO SORRY IDK HOW TO WORD MY THOUGHTS I LOVE JOSH O’CONNOR

"I LOVE JOSH O'CONNOR" WE ALL CHANT IN UNISON🙌🙌🙌🙌

Patrick Zweig, and I stand by this fact, is absolutely in need of a person who wouldn't judge him for any of his actions. Who'd simply listen, hold him if there's a need (and believe me, there is), and simply let him cry his eyes out. He needs a person who wouldn't sugarcoat anything but at the same time is soft spoken and won't yell at him for simply voicing his worries.

And that person is you.

You're the one who holds him after Tashi's injury, after both his girlfriend and his best friend completely wipe him out of their lives, as a result of something he couldn't possibly control. He lays on your lap, head resting on the soft flesh of your thighs, the four walls of your neat dorm swallowing him in a small bubble of warmth and comfort. And you hold him, fingers delicately running through the mess of his curls, while allowing him to ramble for hours on.

"It's just so unfair to me, like how could I possibly guess that this would happen. Not like I was the one who kicked her to the ground and broke her leg."

He's livid, only too physically exhausted to do something about it, to go slap Tashi like she deserves. His poor boy, despite being familiar with the toughest of trainings, can only handle so much, and then mix of his unsatisfied libido and psychosomatic stomach ache doesn't do him any good.

"And that bastard. Did you see him? He wouldn't even let me talk to her! Acting like her fucking bodyguard."

That is the true twist of the knife stabbed into Patrick's heart, the betrayal of his best of friends, the guy he thought he could trust with his own life. It's simply something that Patrick thought would never, ever happen, the complete one-hundred his best man did. Even you can't really believe what you hear.

"I know, Pat," you whisper, the soft movement of your fingers in his hair faltering as you zone off a bit, trying to come up with the best words to soothe him down. Even though it would be best if you just stayed quiet.

Patrick, too used to the comforting touch you've given him, grabs your wrist with an agitated huff and demonstrates the soft scratching of his scalp, silently demanding more.

So you continue, sighing softly and giving Patrick what he wants. You know this will help calm him down, so why not oblige. You'd much rather see him content, at least partially happy where he is.

"It's just unfair," he pout, nuzzling his face deeper into your lower tummy, an arm thrown around your thighs, holding onto you tightly, "Fucking manipulator. I bet he's fucking her right now."

The voice, despite muffled against the fabric of your sweater, actually make you shudder. The sheer idea of someone betraying their best friend purely for the interest in a girl - someone's girl - seems completely unforgivable. Patrick is definitely not in the wrong for being the offended one here.

"Then what if he is," you mutter, hoping to deliver your words in the best suitable tone to Patrick's ears. "Let the shitty people stay together, Patrick. You're better than them."

Patrick's shoulders tremble lightly at your words and he wants to sob, so so deeply trying to take your words to heart, to really believe them. But he's hurt at the moment. And he doesn't believe he is better than anyone else, let alone Tashi and Art who have been percieved as perfect in his eyes so far. Up until now. At the moment, you're the purest image of perfection, the embodiment of it. And he doesn't believe you're actually with him.

"Don't leave me," he simply whispers, too vulnerable to look you in the eyes while saying it. He hopes the light squeeze of your thighs is enough to let you know how much he really needs you.

You sigh, looking down at the mop of curls on your lap, fingers slowly untangling the mess that somebody left there. "I won't, don't worry."

[yikimiki]

thinking so fucking hard about loser/stoner eren and popular/mean girl reader............ how she'll tease him and bully him at school but when they're fucking its always the opposite way around........ he has such a grip on her and shes so whipped for him that the pent up teasing just comes out during sex and he is just being so mean to her

This is a different au from the other loser eren asks — aiming more towards stoner!eren x popular!reader!! Also this got really long?? It’s a mix of headcanons and drabbles so hold on

warnings: smut, dirty talk, mean dom eren, rough sex, crying, creampie, multiple rounds, spanking, hair pulling, mentions of drugs (weed), degradation, use of “bitch”, “slut”, “whore”, “cocksleeve”, no prep, ass play, size kink, dumbification, mentions of spitting, dubcon (just to be sure)

No but imagine... Eren is this outcast, unbothered type of guy that doesn’t give a fuck about the social hierarchy of college or whatever. For some sick and twisted reason, you are particularly interested in him — there’s something about his baggy clothes, long hair under his cap/beanie and his “fuck everything” attitude that gets you going. But you can’t really show that you’re attracted to a complete loser like him, it would ruin your reputation, so you have to pretend as if you love teasing him, mocking him. Which, like, it’s totally funny.

It works for some time, until you are alone in a room with him. It happens in some weird college party that you almost didn’t go to, when you decide to take a break from dealing with your drunk friends and find shelter in a bedroom somewhere. It takes you some time to find one that it’s not locked or... being used, but eventually you open the door to find Eren, just scrolling through his phone with a blunt hanging from his lips. This time, considering it’s just you and him, you skip the provocations and ask him what he’s doing alone in there, you sit next to him in bed and listen as he complains about some friend that dragged him to that obnoxious party.

“I was just passing some time before I found an excuse to leave,” he says, locking his phone and putting it on the nightstand. The smell of weed is filling the stuffed air, and Eren takes another hit before putting his blunt out. “And what are you doing here? Got tired of ruining everyone’s night and decided to ruin mine?”

“It’s always more fun with you.” You smile, one hand landing on his shoulder. Eren tenses under your touch, bright green eyes trying to see if you’re just making fun of him again. Still, there’s something else burning at the bottom of your irises that he has never seen before, something that makes his stomach clench in anticipation. “Besides… now I have you all to myself.”

“What are you getting at?” He asks, but his voice sounds lower, eyebrows furrowed in doubt. You two are close, so much closer than ever before, and he can feel your gentle breathing on his lips when you lean closer. His heart picks up, and his hands are fighting to touch your body. “If this is some sort of prank, I swear—“

“It’s not a prank,” you whisper, looking down at his lips. Eren swallows dry — it’s funny: even after months of teasing, this is the clearer reaction you’ve ever received from him. “Can I kiss you?”

Eren has never heard you ask for anything — especially from him. It takes him some time to warm up to the idea (and to make sure you’re not just fucking with him again), his cock stirring awake in his baggy pants, before he gives you a curt nod. You smile, leaning in and joining your lips in a heated kiss.

And you swear you have the upper hand for some time. You sit on his lap, run your fingers through his hair and watch as he becomes pudding under your touches — just groaning and sighing against your lips as his rough hands squeeze your ass, making you grind your pussy down against his hard cock until you’re soaking through the fabric. But then something in the air suddenly switches and Eren is turning you around, trapping you beneath his large body as his lips eagerly move down to your neck, hands practically tearing your top open so he can suck on your tits.

You whimper and ask him to slow down, but he’s not really listening at this point — if you’re giving yourself to him, he’s going to make good use of his time. Especially when he thinks you should learn one thing or two about how to properly behave, about not always getting what you want, but what you deserve after teasing him for so long. All those months of pent-up frustration are getting to his head, turning into a power trip as he notices that he’s so much stronger than you, that he can do whatever he wants and you’ll just have to take it. And he’s gonna make sure you’ll take it all.

In no time, you’re completely naked, clothes mindlessly thrown around the room and Eren is looking at your body like he can eat you whole. He asks you to “Turn around,” as he takes off his own clothes, and your surprised at the eagerness in which you follow his command. You don’t know what’s going on with you — all those bitter comments you’d throw at him are now long gone, barely a ghost at the back of your mind when you feel him shuffle closer to you. Eren pulls your hips upwards, presses your face down against the mattress and spanks your ass so hard you swear you see stars.

“Eren!” You cry out, both from pleasure and surprise. “What are you—“

“Shut up.” His hands come down against your ass once more, making you whine. “You never fucking stop talking, such an annoying bitch.” Your skin burns as he lays down more hits against your ass cheeks, your hands helplessly holding onto the bedsheets. “This is what you wanted, uh? Wanted me to snap, to treat you like the needy whore you are.”

“Y-Yes,” you stutter. Your pussy is so aroused that you just feel yourself dripping down your thighs, the coldness of the air making you shiver. You never needed someone as much as you needed him. “Eren, fuck me,” you sob.

His large figure leans over you, one hand yanking your hair back as his face stops next to yours. You can feel his cock — huge, throbbing, heavy — in between your sensitive ass cheeks, and the notion that he’s about to stretch you out so wide makes you whine. “Didn’t fucking listen, why don’t you get some fucking manners and try again?”

“Please, Eren, f-fuck me,” you utter, arching your back against his cock. You never noticed how big and strong he is, but now that he’s towering over you, you have no choice but to feel yourself shrinking beneath him. “Please, please.”

He scoffs. “Needy bitch,” but he releases your hair and pushes your face down against the mattress, using his free hand to align himself with your dripping cunt. “Not so fucking chatty now, are you?” You barely have time to answer before he’s pressing his cockhead against your pussy, your hole fluttering around his length as he continues to push in. Eren is huge, definitely the biggest you’ve ever had, and the lack of prep only makes you feel the stretch even more. “Shit, look at this tight fucking cunt,” he breathes out. His hands are squeezing your ass so hard you just know it’ll be sore in the morning, but you don’t care. “Can’t believe you kept this from me for so fucking long.”

You have half the thought of apologizing, but you can’t do it when he bottoms out. By the time that his cock is fully inside you, you can barely utter out an incomprehensible string of “S-So huge, E-Eren— too much— fuck, so big, I can’t take it, I can’t...” before he’s moving his cock in and out of you.

“Isn’t this what you wanted?” He asks, spanking your ass once again. The noise is so much louder this time, your moan following it shortly. “Fucking annoyed me for months just because you wanted to milk my cock like a desperate little whore,” he seethes, grabbing your ass forcefully as he drills into your soaking cunt. Eren is going hard and fast, so much so that you feel as if your brain is rattling inside your head, tits bouncing against the mattress as he continues his unforgiving pace. “Always knew you were a slut, I just didn’t know you’d be so fucking— shit — so fucking insufferable.”

“I’m s-sorry,” you whine, tears streaming down your face because of how good it all feels.

He scoffs. “Not yet. But you’ll be sorry.”

And boy how sorry you are. You had no idea that Eren would have that ridiculous amount of stamina, but you don’t even know how many times you’ve cum by the end of the night. Eren fucks you full of his cum again and again, spanking you and pulling your hair every time you misbehave and can’t keep it in like he tells you to — because “you’re such a dumb bitch, can’t even listen when you’re full of cock”.

He makes you cum on his fingers, on his cock, on his tongue, even makes you desperately grind against his thigh to get yourself off just because he likes how dumb you look. He fills every whole he can — spits in your mouth, fucks your throat, fingers your ass as he’s fucking you from the back and promises that next time it’ll be his cock. He’s just so mean, so revengeful of every time you annoyed him that he can’t be nice even if he tried. It’s just too good to have almighty little you turned into a stupid slut for his cock, crying and begging for him to fill you up one more time.

“Listen to me,” he hisses, making you turn your head to look at him. Your eyes are glazed over, barely able to find his with your orgasm building up again. “This is all you’re fucking good for,” he says, and his cock throbs inside you. Eren’s cum is seeping down your thighs, coating his length and making his slide easier as he continues to pound inside your abused cunt. “You’re made to be a cocksleeve, this pussy is made to take my cock. Do you understand?” You agree with a whiny yes. “Gonna stop fucking annoying me now? You can just ask and I’ll fuck you whenever you want, okay?” You nod, only half there, and for the first time that night he calls you “Good girl,” before stuffing you full of his cum again.”

Anyways???? Idk what came over me but yeah. Popular girl reader that is a complete slut for loser eren when theyre fucking. I rest my case.

[xxxtrouvaillexxx]

Let’s Strike a Deal

A/N: This is late, I know. If you have not realized from before, I’m really bad at meeting deadlines. Well, at least deadlines that I’ve created for myself to follow because I like to procrastinate things and frankly… what am I gonna do to myself? Band myself from tea until I’ve written a chapter? I don’t have the self control for that! And life is hectic. But you know, enough with my excuses and onto the story. Hope you enjoy. I always love feedback so please be sure to leave a comment! ALSO I wanted to give a TRY (key word) to first person. If I don’t like it... I might change it, idk. I should never write anything at 3am as per evidence below, especially without editing lmao

Pair: CEO!Tom x Reader

Synopsis: Y/N, the small town of Hawkshead girl trying to make her way in the big city of Westminster, London. Not as easy as she thought. When things start to take a turn for the worst one afternoon and only one man in the crowd of hundreds decides to help her, she does something rather uncharacteristic and gives her savor her number in case he could ever use help of his own. Course, she never expected for him to actually call her out on it.

Masterlist

Warning(s): none… yet. Cursing?

Word Count:

My time was limited. There was nothing left that had to be done here or anything left to pack. Everything I’ve ever owned sat in a car on the way to my new apartment and last of the suitcases were in the bed of my brothers pickup at this very moment while I sat on the floor of my room. There wasn’t anything left for me here, I knew that, but it was still difficult to say goodbye to the place that carried so many of my favorite memories and the imprints of my childhood that still were splayed around the surrounding room.

There were two dents in the wall right in front of me from when I was ten and hit my head after tripping on one of my toys, thumbtack holes that littered everywhere above the bed from forts that I would make with my brothers and friends, nail polish that was spilled on the carpet from times when I was too distracted with talking than keeping the bottle up straight, my engraved initials on the windowsill. The memories that I had made in this room were countless and they were all absolutely priceless.

“Y/N!” I heard your mother call from the living room, her voice was slightly hoarse from held back emotion and it broke my heart to hear her like that. “You got to get going, dear! You’ll miss your train if you wait much longer to head out.”

Taking a deep breath and slowly standing from the, now old, bed I made my way toward the door, feet dredging behind me and scuffing the floor as I walked out. “I know, Mama. I’m just-” the words caught in my throat and I was at a loss. “I’m really going to miss you guys so much.”

“Oh stop it, you’re gonna make me cry if you keep on like that,” She said giving a tight hug before pushing me out the front door. “You are going to love it in London so much you’re not even gonna be thinking about us here, so get goin’. Your brothers already waiting for you in the car.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at her antics, “I love you Mama! I’ll call you when I get there!”

Jumping into the passenger seat of the truck, I waved final goodbyes from the window, dramatically blowing kisses as the car started to drive away.

“You better!” She exclaimed, watching as we pulled out and down the road.

“She is going to be a mess when I get back home. I can’t believe you’re going to leave me to deal with that alone!” Christian, stuck driving you to the train station much to his dismay, gave you a mocking glare. “After all the things I’ve done for your, this is how you choose to repay me? I’m pretty sure I’m getting the short end of the stick here,” he laughed humorlessly.

“Ahhh~” I cooed and smiled, “You’re only saying that cause you know you guys’ are going to be missing me so much!”

“Miss you?” He scoffed, “Yeah right. What we’re going to be missing is your baking. It’ll be the greatest blow our family has faced since 1824.”

I gave a scathing look, “And what, if I may ask, happened in 1824?”

“Don’t know, but something bad probably.”

»»-——————————————-««

I have never been so sore getting off of a bus in her life. The cheapest route to get to Westminster from Hawkshead was a train and 8 bus stops, totaling up to 10 or so hours in and out of vehicles. I groaned and stretched when my feet planted on hard asphalt for the first time in what seemed like forever. But, for all the soreness, I had made it to my destination with time to spare.

It was louder than I had imagined, crowded with traffic from all directions and people running any which way to get on with their lives. It was bustling and busy. Lively. Not exactly what I was used to which made me smile. 

Wide.

I made it. 

I only had a suitcase with me, the rest of her belongings would be delivered in a few days to the new apartment. 

My apartment. 

I was positively giddy at the thought. 

It took a lot of self control to keep from skipping down the side walks while I somehow navigated the new scenery, but I managed to keep my excitement under wraps for the time being. Arriving an hour early gave me a bit of time to take in the bigger sites near by, like the Ferris wheel, the clock tower Big Ben, and my personal favorite- Westminster Palace and abbey. It was a dream of mine since I was little to see it in person, and now here I was standing mere blocks away from the grand building, elated and amazed. 

Vibrating caught my attention and I barely managed to turn my eyes away from the sites in front of me to my phone, Kyra’s name popping up on the screen. My best friend and now room mate, Kyra Bardou, who was probably wondering where the hell I was now. 

“Hey,” I drawled with an obvious grin I couldn’t even hide in my voice. 

“Hey yourself! I’ve been waiting at the stop for 15 minutes with no sign of you only to learn you’re already in town and didn’t even bother to tell me!” She spoke so quickly I was shocked she didn’t run out of breath and laughed. 

“I’m site seeing, sue me!” I turned and started making the slow walk back, “I’ll be back in a couple minutes, I promise.”

She only grunted in response and let me walk in a comfortable silence, letting me continue to take everything in while simply enjoying her presence on the line. It was the last few moments I’d get now, the last bits of my old life slipping through my fingers like sand in exchange for a new one. 

And the chaos that comes with a big city. 

Like robbers. 

I couldn’t even let out a cry as I was shoved to the ground, my phone forced from my hand and my suitcase caught up in a strange mans arms. It took me a whole 5 seconds to get my bearings enough to yell at the man and give chase, shouting for help though no one so much as looked our way, just moved out of his. 

“Stop!” I screamed, running but quickly losing him as he bobbed and weaved through the crowd skillfully. “Stop! Someone stop him!”

And this time, someone moved to action, running past me at an alarming rate and quickly gaining ground on my assailant before they both rounded a corner and I lost sight of them. 

My heart dropped and I picked up speed again, hoping that I didn’t let them get far enough away for me to lose them completely, it would have been easy for them to get away from me here.

But when I turned around the block, I found the man on the ground with the track star of a man on top of him, already on the phone with I assume the police. I finally caught up to them and without thinking, hugged the man on the phone, a silent thank you while he spoke to whoever was on the line, before I gathered my things and hugging them close to me. 

He smiled kindly, finishing the call and turning to me properly while still pinning the thief to the ground. “Are you alright miss?”

“Yes! Thank you so much, I’d have been completely lost without this,” I gestured to my luggage. “I can’t thank you enough for helping me get it back. I don’t even know how to get around town yet.”

He laughed and nodded. “So new to town then. It was my pleasure to help, though I was really just doing what anyone in my position would do,” he responded kindly.

Furiously I shook my head, “No, you didn’t. I don’t believe I saw a single soul other than you move to help. Unless you did but beat them to it at the last minute. Not that that it implausible, you are seriously fast on your feet.” 

He laughed again and I noticed what a nice laugh he had, it was contagious and I couldn’t help but let out a chuckle of my own now that my adrenaline was fading bit by bit. “Yes, well- I do enjoy the sport.”

“Dually noted,” I grinned, jumping a little when my phone started to buzz in my hands. Kyra’s name popping up on the screen again. “Shoot!” I exclaimed and answered. I wasn’t even able to put the phone to my ear before I heard her shouting my name on the line. “Kyra-”

“Oh my god, Y/N! What the heck happened, I heard you shout and then the line went dead! Are you okay? Did something happen? Where are you?” She was speaking so loudly I had to hold the phone away from my ear a safe distance as she spouted one question after another at me without reprieve. 

My rescuer across from me chuckled, overhearing my frantic friend. “I’m fine, someone tried to steal my stuff on my way to meet you. Luckily someone came along and helped me catch him, otherwise I’d have lost everything. But everything is okay now, we are-” I looked around and realized I have no idea where we were. 

He seemed to catch on to my newest distress and whispered, “Tell them we are on the corner of Tufton and Bennett’s Yard.”

I nodded and mouthed a thank you, “ Tufton and Bennett’s Yard,” I repeated and she said she’d be here in a 10 minutes and to sit and wait before hanging up the phone. 

I slouched on the wall of some building, letting myself relax. “Not to be repetitive or anything, but thank you.”

He just shook his head, “No need. You’re friend sounded pretty worried about you, it wouldn’t do well to let her stew in that worry longer than needed.”

“Yeah, it’s been a few years since we last saw each other. She’d be pretty upset if something bad happened before I could even move in,” I laughed, though it didn’t quite sound right even to my ears. “I’m Y/N, by the way,” I introduced and stuck my hand out. 

He took it and gave a firm shake, “Tom. It’s a pleasure to meet you Y/N. Even in these less than optimal circumstances.” 

“The pleasure is mine, I assure you.”

“Y/N!” Someone yelled, and we both turned our heads to see Kyra sprinting full speed around her car and at me. I stood and braced myself for the collision of her, and fell back against the wall with the force of her body. 

“Holy shit, girl! You scared the hell outta me, you could have died! This is why I told you to call me when you first got into town, you always manage to get yourself into trouble like this. What would I have told your parents if something happened, huh? Huh!?”

I grinned and pulled back to get a proper look at her. Her black hair, normally frizzy was sticking out in every direction and her honeyed eyes wide as she scanned me over, running her hands over my arms for injuries. “I’m fine, Kyra. I’m sorry I didn’t call sooner, you’re right.”

“I know I’m right!” She shot back with a glare, “That doesn’t make me feel any better!”

“Well, there is a first for everything after all.”

Tom laughed hard at our back and forth, making us both jump a little and look down at him. Before I could even say anything, Kyra was down on his level with the thieves shirt in her fists and a scowl that would scare the devil himself on her face. 

“Is this the bastard that did this?” 

“Let go!” I shrieked and pulled her off, albeit with a little effort. “Tom called the cops and they’ll deal with this properly. Not you,” I said sternly. She just let out a huff of a response and pushed herself back enough to look at Tom properly. 

She gave him a once over and held her scowl in place, “So you’re the one who saved Y/N/N?”

He gave a small, hesitant nod and gave me a nervous glance. I just laughed and stood back up, as Kyra launched forward to give him a hug. “Thank you,” she murmured a few times and pulled back. 

“No worries,” he said, and looked far less distressed now that Kyra didn’t look like she wanted to gut him. “I was there at the right time is all.”

“Yes, well- That doesn’t mean what you did was anything less than amazing. My whole life is in that bag and in that phone at the moment. Seriously, if there is anything I can do for you in return it’s yours. Ice cream, some roller skates, a kidney. Just ask.”

Everyone laughed at that and he nodded with an obviously sarcastic “sure”, just as the police arrived to take the culprit and our statements. Kyra mumbled something about them being slow and went to the car for a few minutes to be out of the way. 

15 minutes later, everything was settled and they took the man away. Leaving Tom and I alone on the side walk again while I settled everything in my case to be sure I didn’t miss anything and quickly scribbled on a stray notecard. 

“I meant it when I said I owe you one,” I said and handed the card with my name and number to him. “Just give me a ring if I can ever be of any help at all and I’ll come running. Though, probably much slower than you did.”

He tried to decline the offer only once, but after some persistence he took it with another smile, “Thank you, Y/N. Hopefully this will not be our last meeting. And hopefully never again under such pressing circumstances,” he held out his hand, and I took it, returning his earlier shake with a firm one of my own and I agreed. 

“Until next time then,” he said and left. 

I barely was able to take my seat in the car before Kyra grasped my arm with a devious smile, “Y/N/N- Did you just give that guy your number?” My silence was answer enough and she laughed, “Girl! No way!”

No way was right, I thought with a small smile of my own as we pulled away and started home.

»»-——————————————-««

TAGS: open 

@drakesfiance @dumbgopher1​ @kewlbeans-22​​

[hariosborn]

 sirius black fic rec list!!

okay but imagine having sirius black fall in love with you...a concept 😌

the feeling that we’re meeting again by @writesowhatnext

cross house relationships!!!!! literally yall are missing out if you project yourself into the same house as your lover!! you’re missing out on the tension, the passion, the romance!!! and once you get out of hogwarts and that tension is still there!!! post hogwarts sirius!!! hes so hot!!! and grumpy >:) you can never go wrong with slowburn fics!! 

the risk of love by @with1love1anu

ive been following anu for foreeeeeever and she never fails!! her writing is always so good and shes one of my favorite marauders era writers <33 you’ll see as you go down this list - but i love pining fics like im obsesssssed!! ooo and this one has a hint of best friend james and it just makes the story 10x better! 

breakfast in bed by @wondernimbus

when authors are 14 years old but can write flawlessly even though i struggle doing simple short stories in english class 😘not but fr ysa is such a good writer xx. breakfast in bed! what would yall eat 🤔if we’re talking abt english food (like food from england) idk what they eat over there tbh but i would pick roasted potatoes and waffles for breakfast :) wait actually no i wouldn’t, id probably do french toast with powdered sugar, strawberries, and french fries. ik it sounds weird but i had that the other day and i teared up, it tasted so good. but in this fic they have something even better!! have you ever wondered what it would be like to have toast, strawberry flavored muffins, and fruit for breakfast, all from the comfort of your bed, with the one and only sirius black? well look no further bc this fic has that and everything more!! 

godmother by @blisfvll

jen does it again!! coming through with the godmother!reader x godfather!sirius fics <33 (shes on this list three times bc she just writes so much good sirius content 😫) not to be morbid but when im gone i want someone to talk abt me the way sirius talks about the reader 😔i just love the way the sirius talked about her so lovingly and treated her like this ethereal being and painted her like this angel bc that must be so comforting for harry knowing that not only are his parents looking after him but his angel of a godmother is too ♥︎

oh shit + pt2 by @im-a-writer-right 

big brother remus am i right! as the oldest child, i love reading fics where im the younger sibling bc i just want someone to be able to look after me and care for me and be protective abt who i date bc they’re like “ i just don’t want you to get hurt” 😔 but anyways - this was a rlly cute and funny fic! i love snarky sirius and butthead james and overprotective remus and scared of falling for her brothers best friend reader :) if you like those all too you should read this one 😌

warnings by @blisfvll  

i felt like i was watching a short film! i loved this one! its so well written that you can like watch the play by play of everything happening in your head, like its sooo good! im sorry i keep putting so many angsty fics on this list 🥺👉🏼👈🏼 they’re just all so beautifully written and jen is such an amazing writer <33 

just a natural fact by @iliveiloveiwrite 

MILLIE!! YOU DID IT AGAIN!! guys if you are not following millie pls do i freaking love her sh*t and shes so far been on every fic rec list ive made :)) back to the review tho! im a very big fan of those timeskip fics like where theres a scenario for every year at hogwarts - and this one is one of those and i just - AGHHHGH!!! idk if this counts as a slowburn but like as someone who injects themself into the hogwarts timeline and pretends to be studying for her NEWTS when shes really doing AP work - i love reading about study sessions w remus where sirius tries to interject himself so he can be close to you 😊i dont want to spoil anything but like the tagline “Break my heart. Break it a thousand times if you like. It was only ever yours to break.” RUINED ME!! and you know what! i’ll do it again! i will read this fic and let it ruin me three more times and ten more times and however many i feel like! so yes, if you couldn’t tell, i love this one, and you guys should totally read it

die for you by @blisfvll 

i like to torture myself with sad fics so now im passing them along to you so we can all cry together ;( domestic life with sirius is something so very personal to me 😌so ofc i jumped at the idea of being harry’s godparent along w hubby sirius! but do not be fooled by my review - this one is sad - but its totally worth it!!! the things we do for baby harry am i right?? i am right 😌

wrapped around my finger by @remusishotterthansirius

jealous sirius jealous sirius jealous sirius!! oooo and when he growls >:)) i love the idea of being like this unattainable magical being in sirius’s eyes and you’re just like completely unaware of his feelings and it just adds to the mystery about you like imagine him sitting with the marauders by the black lake and him picking at a flower being like “she loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not” and then him being all sad and pouty once the petals are all gone and he was left with ‘she loves me not’ :(( but  n e  ways - this was so cute and so masterfully written and i just love everything this author puts out so do not be surprised if you see at least one of their works on every single one of my hp fic rec lists >:))

misunderstandings by @imagineitup

oof this one really played with my heart! you know those fics where someones feelings are painfully obvious and you just want the other person to finally realize so they can both be put out of their misery and then go on to have this cute relationship BUT NONE OF THAT CAN HAPPEN UNTIL THEY COME TO THE REALIZATION THAT THEY ARE CAPABLE OF BEING LOVED!!! i love those fics and this is one of them :)))

thats all for my recs! sorry this ones so short - ive been drifting in and out of life, and school has been hard for me. there was a lot more to this list but a lot of my favorite writers have left tumblr so i dont have as much to share w yall 😔and theres obviously so many more amazing writers out there, im just sharing what i know! i’m thinking of just finishing up the other fic rec lists i have and then im going to move over to anime recs! ive been obsessed w haikyuu lately and theres a lot of fics i want to share with others - so if you guys don’t stick around for that i totally understand - but don’t worry im not making that switch till much later ✌🏼love you all so much! hope you’re all taking care of yourself, but dont worry if you’re not, its always a process so don’t put too much pressure on yourself to get stuff done and make sure to celebrate what you do get done! congratulate yourself when no one else will, and remember i’ll always be in your corner cheering you on! 

happy reading!

- love, hari !!

[pluviophile-bookworm]

AWAE 3x3 rewatch: thoughts and reactions

So I made a ginormous pause in between these again. I just wasn’t feeling up to the task, I guess. But it’s the anniversary of the premiere of AWAE, so what better day to do the penultimate one of these... Let’s just dive in because it’s been literal years since I first saw this episode and I remember literally nothing from it.

Oh my, Bash is just the best. And those baby chicks... well, I know what is most likely to happen to chickens on a farm when they grow older but... can we just maybe not think of that yet? Plus, seeing Mary keeps reminding me that soon I won’t be seeing her anymore. It’s safe to say I have mixed feelings about this cold open. Let’s move on.

Gosh, now they’re leaving Matthew alone with Delly, who is two types of people he’s uncomfortable around - a baby and a girl. But it’s fine, it will be just ‘a couple of hours’...

It is such a shame to think that Mary might have been saved... if she were white. People can be so awful. A human being is a human being. At least there are people like Dr. Ward and our protagonists who know that and act accordingly.

Oh... there’s that cute scene of Matthew showing Delly around Green Gables that I’ve seen in so many gifs... I can’t comment much on it so I’ll just sit back and enjoy. But before I go - Matthew is the best, most gentle man I’ve ever seen. He might be awkward around women and children, but he knows how to treat them right better than most people who are not awkward around them.

Oh gosh, the nappy! That kind of made me laugh out of place but, well, I just wanted to say - thank gods for Jerry and his many siblings. My boy knows how to change nappies.

Oh, they’ve got the printing press! Now that’s exciting! I feel like excitement is a good word to describe this episode, at least so far. We’ll see how I feel by the end of it. All I know is this is making me smile and I’ve really been needing that.

My, my, Ruby... I keep forgetting when it was that she got over Gilbert. Apparently it was not before mid-season, since she’s still in it way too deep. 

Oh wait... is this when things began happening between her and Moody? I mean, the way he gives her his handkerchief, you’d think ever since he stopped trying to make Diana and her ‘very blue’ dress notice him, he’s been sitting back and watching Ruby from afar, hoping he can, somehow, compare to Gilbert. The best part is, in just a bit, he won’t need to. Boy, do I need a fourth season even if just to see these two develop... and for Diana and Jerry to make up, and just in general to see the kids being all grown up... now I feel like crying because we’ll very probably never get it... ok, moving on.

Anne: Sometimes life finds gifts in the darkest of places./ Marilla: Indeed. Wait, was this Marilla’s way of telling Anne she loves her? This is just the best. 

The contrast between scenes dealing with Mary and the rest of the episode is just so stark, it’s jarring. It’s like, you never know the darkness someone might be sinking into  while everybody else is bathing in the light. You know, everybody involved in making this episode, and the show in its entirety, made it so poetic, and yet it’s not. It’s absolutely devastating. And now Gilbert can’t even tell Mary that she’s got no more than two weeks left. This is the worst. 

You know, Anne is right. Caring deeply will always be the right thing. I mean, it’s natural for Gilbert to doubt himself at this time, especially since the tragedy is happening to his own found family. You know, there’s something my mum taught me to do when I’m watching something and I can’t bear the subject matter of it - focus on the acting. And right now I’m just blown away by the superb performance by these incredible young people. But I really can’t bear to focus on the plot right now. And the acting being that good doesn’t particularly help me to detach myself from the story.

You know, tragic as what’s happening to Mary certainly is, it’s somehow lucky she has Anne in her life now that she’s about to leave her own daughter to grow up motherless. Because if only Anne’s parents had an orphan tell them what an orphaned child needs most, Anne’s own experience might have been very different. Mary is a very smart woman for realising that and talking to Anne about it. Because life is not about lamenting what we didn’t have. It’s about making sure we do what is in our power to make it easier for others if we can.

Ah, yes. Racism and ‘White Man’s Burden’ mentality are still very much a thing present here. I guess this here is the first mention of that horrible prison of a school that Ka’kwet would be sent to. This is. The. Worst.

I just can’t bear to listen to this guy. ‘Heathens’ - you mean people with a rich culture and belief system beyond your privileged straight white male comprehension? ‘Teach them all things civilised’ - you mean erase their own, I repeat, rich culture, and replace it with your white man’s ideas of civilisation? What deity fell from the heavens and made you God? And the way Rachel totally agrees with this guy, it just makes me sick. As if that guy would hesitate to discriminate against you on the basis of you being a woman! I just can’t with this. Let’s move on.

‘Be sure you marry for love. Only for love.’ Don’t worry, Mary, he will. Not before a huge, long period of confusion, mind you. But he’ll come to his senses eventually. People do stupid things when they’re young. That’s how they know they’ve lived it to the fullest.

Rachel just baffles me, you know. And Marilla, too, isn’t quite faultless here. How can you be so accepting of one kind of POC, yet so cruel to another? Then I remember their initial reactions to meeting Bash. They were not the most accepting at first. Yet they can see how they’ve now grown to accept and care deeply about Bash and Mary and Delphine. Why can’t they give Ka’kwet’s people a chance like this?

‘You may well have saved some Indians today’... Saved them? From what? Being free to practice their own culture? You know, white people can be so very ignorant... and I say that as a very white person. I’m just ashamed of everything my ethnicity has done to literally every other ethnicity.

‘I don’t wanna die’... You know, sometimes I do, and right now that makes me feel so ashamed. I should really think of Mary and also every real person who had an untimely death whenever I’m having those thoughts again. We should all learn to appreciate life so much more.

So this is the one with Mary’s Easter... this is beautiful. I might have to rescind my ‘excitement’ statement from earlier, but there is still a theme of beauty, love and family throughout this. Well, technically throughout the entire series, but especially here. I love this. 

Delphine with a flower crown is the cutest thing ever...

Minnie May: She looks like a chocolate candy. I just... took notice of how the background music abruptly stopped. You know, coming from an older person, this would sound... not at all ok. But this 7-year-old didn’t mean any harm, and they realise it after a brief moment of panic in their eyes. Still... black people don’t call us, idk, butter or something. We should not compare their skin colour to chocolate.

Their singing is absolutely beautiful. But let’s be real - in a real-life situation, most of the people would be way off-key and those harmonies would be impossible to arrange. Still, for this beauty, I am willing to suspend my disbelief for miles. Also, that prayer at the end... well, I’m not Christian, but I am religious, and I know the power of a prayer as poetic as this one. However hard it must have been for Mary to know she wouldn’t live, it must have been a great consolation to know she would go in such a way, surrounded by so much beauty and love, and light. Well, that ending was bittersweet! But I absolutely loved this episode. Except for the racist parts that made me absolutely livid. It’s so frustrating to know there is still so much hate in the world based just on minor superficial differences between people. Yet it would have been even more frustrating if we didn’t have people in the world like our protagonists (and especially the protagonist, Anne). It is such an absolute shame that this show, and others like it, got cancelled over some trivial issues and wasn’t given the proper chance to develop its positive messages even further. But still, even with just the 27 episodes it was given, it was able to cover so much ground. I don’t know what to say. AWAE is just supreme.

Let’s sum up: the final weeks of Mary’s life; racial prejudice might have just cost this lovely woman, a wife and a mother, her life; Matthew showing Delly around Green Gables is the sweetest thing; the first press-printed issue of The Avonlea Gazette, with a significant typo; and thus, a ship was born; subtle ways of saying those three little words; ‘Caring deeply will always be the right thing.’; the legacy of a mother; ‘White Man’s Burden’ mentality is alive and dangerous; double standards regarding the acceptance of POC; Mary’s Easter; going surrounded by a loving community.

[talas-starlight]

Can i get a fluffy headcannon for suki x fem!reader? Since my birthday is coming up, I’d like to see what she would do for her girlfriend on her special day. I want all that soft shit if you need more specifics then you can just like message me bro - @simpinforsukka

A/N: Happy birthday!!! 🥳🥳 Omg omg I hope you had an amazing day and please accept my (awful) gift to you,,, YALL this is my first headcannon & request and omfg this was a lot harder than I expected HAHAHAHA BHRIDFVG ☠️ 🤣🤣 – also I think this is a bit longer than a normal headcannon is supposed to be??? & I think I low key did it wrong AHAHAHAH - I really don’t know my friens oop but i hope you like it! @simpinforsukka​ 💖💖💖

• OKIE so let’s establish something real quick,,

• You were not expecting anything on your birthday- well anything extravagant that is 

• Suki is super sweet and supportive of your passions, just as you are of hers, so generally in past years she would let you take the lead,, happily joining along just to make your day brighter 

• Yet of course this year,, she’s learnt quite a lot about your likes and dislikes from past years hence making the decision to take the lead 

• SO IMAGINE YOUR SURPRISE WHEN SHE ROCKS UP AT YOUR HOME INSTEAD OF YOU STEALING HER AWAY FROM ZUKO FOR THE DAY 

• Well actually, you weren’t really surprised more so discombobulated when you naturally woke up to her on top of you

• Arms wrapped securely around your waist 

• Head nestled into your neck, with her hair tickling your chin

• But you were able to fight the urge to freak out at the initial shock of finding someone in your bed fast asleep- as you soon realised it was your girlfriend 

• Yet you were unable to fight the happy tears welling up in your eyes 

• because even thougH zuko would ALWAYS be more than willing to allow suki to come visit you - you rarely woke up together in such a peaceful way 

• let alone on special occasions like birthdays 

• because tbh the guilt of taking her away from the duties she was so proud of doing always ate you up inside 

• ANYWAY, so suki being as skilled as she is, sensed your uneven breathing and woke up

• “Baby? What’s wrong? Did you have a nightmare?”

• Okok so now she was fussing over you and you tried to diffuse the situation 

• “No, I’m okay- yes suki I promise!! I’m just really happy you’re here”

• QUEUE THE 🥺🥺🥺 FROM SUKI 

• Realising why you were so happy, she squeezed her arms around you even tighter (but not tight enough to break ur ribs because I knoW she could) 

• *insert cute, slow & soft make out session because happiness and yoU BOTH DESERVE IT*

Okok now time for the proper festivities!!!

• So, after your wonderful reunion suki takes you on a lil trip/ game 

• NOW what this involves is that whatever age you’re turning is the number of things she has install for you for the day 

• Okie so foR the first item of the day she serves you your favourite cake for BREAKFAST because who cares about eating norms when its your birthday 

• And if you don’t like cake its your favourite celebratory meal 

• Following this she takes you to all of the places your love 

• if it involves travelling, she uses one of the fire nation hot balloons that she stole because she can

• So throughout the day she throws in some significant places/ activities that relate to the two of you 

• BECAUSE you’re with suki and you’re GUNNA have some places that make the both of you soft even if you’re not that much of an affectionate or sentimental type of person 

• And the ENTIRE day you’re just in awe realising how much your girl actually pays attention to what you love and what you care about 

• Like she’s a total SWEETHEART and a total BADASS but there are multiple points throughout the day where she just made you think 

• “is this really my life?” 

• Tbh you were already over yue that she came to your home while you were sleeping just so she could spend all of your special day with you 

• & you would’ve been more than content with just staying in bed all loved up 

• OKAY BUT SEE WHAT I DID THERE – OVER YUE??? OVER THE MOON???? I'm a comedic genius take it or leave it

• AND LET ME TELL YALL she one-upped herself with every single thing she did with you that day 

NOW FOR THE GRAND FINALE 

• Okay so you just finished your second last activity for the day, and you were genuinely wondering what she could possibly have planned for you with the last one 

• So, you were both taking a stroll through the woods and the sun has already set 

• Honestly you were a tiny bit concerned – like why does someone take their girlfriend into the woods, IN THE DARK

• But she was doing so well all day, you didn’t want to jump to conclusions

• And she leads you to an open field 

• Your jaw DROPS 

• you’re just like… “what is all of this?”

• before you in said field are dozens of lanterns, a giant fire pit with a LEGITIMATE FEAST on a GIANT wooden table 

• you have no idea how you’re supposed to consume all of that with just suki

• anyway, she fully LAUGHS AT YOU 

• “just wait my love”

• THEN OUT OF THE LITERAL SKY HERE COMES APPA WOOHOO 

• “Did you really think our friends would allow me to keep you all to myself on your special day?”

• now it was your turn to laugh

• so, when he lands ALL of your friends come running towards you

• you’re legit tackled into one giant hug as they all scream 

• “HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYYY!!!!!”

• Ngl tho sokka was the last one there because he got side-tracked staring at the food 

• You were so overwhelmed with happiness that you cried for the second time that day

• And then they cried because you were crying over how happy you were (yeS EVEN TOPH LET OUT A TEAR)

• Then eventually you all got over your tears and to sokkas relief you spoke out jokingly 

• “LET THE FEAST BEGIN!” 

• So, for the rest of the night, you joked, laughed, and cried (just a little bit more) with all of your best friends around you 

• But that didn’t stop you from turning to suki with a loving smile as multiple conversations broke out around the table a few hours into the night 

• “Thank you, my love, for everything.”

TAGLIST: I'm not guna put one here honestly because idk if anyone wants to be for stuff like this or if they only want to be tagged in my fire nations assassin series sooooo lmk if you do want to be added to other alta content & I'm scared ppl are guna get mad at me for tagging them in female character content LMAO AHAHHA 

also if you liked this and want to send in ur own request you're more than welcome just read the rules first please :)) rules are: here!

masterlist is: here!

[jae-canikeepyou]

| tender heart | j.jh

pair: jaehyun x fem!reader

genre: fluff + angst

a/n: i gotta be honest, i had troubles writing a softbf!jae so idk if i wrote this request correctly or if there’s enough angst :// though this is so long overdue but i hope this scenario fits your visualization my dear~ 😉 enjoy! ~j.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

the wave of annoyance began to completely wrap you. you pressed the bridge of your nose at the once subtle noise, later blowing up like fireworks at your apartment. the invitation wasn’t your choice, rather your boyfriend’s. he brought them over because they had their weekly boys’ night. it would be alright if they could lower the prolonged cheers over some video game they’ve been playing for an hour now.

finals were approaching and although you wanted to study or get some peace/quiet, your boyfriend’s turntable was consumed into the boys’ voices. you had to pass this exam because you retook it this semester and you were already having it under control, not today. twisting the pen between your fingers, you decided to put yourself to bed for a few short minutes to rest a bit, maybe clear your mind at least.

it hasn’t been a second that you took another soft pillow and covered your whole face to block out the loud screams. the door of your bedroom swung open. jaehyun noticed how tiredly you walked to the kitchen counter to grab a cup of coffee. no matter how messy you looked now; a tangled high bun with some strands meeting the nape of your neck, his t-shirt that reached your mid-thighs and the crooked glasses on your nose— he still loves you like he did when he first met you.

whilst immersed into the game, taeil nudged the rest of them in secret, telling to look what jaehyun was up to. “pst.” he jutted his lips as they pointed to the kitchen. even from a distance, jaehyun’s ears were prominent when they turned red. “he’s all lovey-dovey to her again.”

putting weight on one leg, you waited for the water to boil and rested against the counter. jaehyun’s warm palms sneaked around your waist, wrapping yourself to him for a hug where his chin rested just on your head.

“what are you doing?” he asked with a playful tone in each word.

“hm?” a spoon in mouth, you hummed in response to give him a hint of bitterness for his actions today. once you poured two packets of sugar, you turned to face but he had you in his stretched forearms. only the friction of the stirring sound of your mug was heard.

he stared into your eyes for a while before leaning in to kiss you. seeing his friends giggling at the corners of the living room, you became flustered and stopped him from being sweet. “c’mon baby. you locked yourself in your room all day. let me kiss you.” he whined, going forward to continue where he left off.

“ngmpf,” you placed the spoon in the gap between. “no.”

he let out a breathy chuckle at your response, kissing the spoon instead. “i guess an indirect kiss works just as fine.” jaehyun swooped you up, carrying you in a bridal style before sitting back on the sofa. your whines did nothing on him, he ignored you and went forth with his desires. cheeky grins and snickers grew quickly as you blushed so hard in front of the boys.

you knew this was in his nature; sweet, loving and caring. although you loved that about him to the point he softens your heart, sometimes it had gotten a little too much and you weren’t used to his public display affection especially when he does it all the time. there should be limits, but apparently ‘limits’ was a non-existent word in his dictionary.

his friends anticipated your participation for the next round. to them, your silence went for two ways: one was you’d join them, and two, refuse their offer and just watch.

and you chose the second option.

donghyuck began acting cute with his palms together. this gesture became contagious when mark and the rest of them followed, taking you a back and leaning against jaehyun.

“please y/n? one round only.” jungwoo sang in the tune of dreamgirls’ ‘one night only’.

“we won’t bother you afterward.” mark nodded.

then their eyes trailed to jaehyun who now was admiring you with a hearty look. he had you on his lap, hugging you like a child would do to a stuffed bear. he knew how much his friends like you, so when it came to persuasion, it was his job to make you surrender. “play with one game, baby.” he handed you the controller with a persistent plead, dimples sinking the more he smiled widely.

you held in your squeal and blushed more than before. and you finally gave in with pursed lips. “fine, one game and that’s it.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

yuta was now in the kitchen with johnny and jaehyun. they prepared ingredient toppings for homemade pizza, takoyaki and fruit punch. he saw how you actually didn’t keep your word and went for three more rounds. he propped his chin against the counter, sending you hearts he wished you would notice.

“how are you able to endure it?” johnny asked the guy and jaehyun turned to his direction.

“endure what?” he asked for more emphasis into his question that both of his hyungs shared a look. it wasn’t the first time jaehyun saw their expressions in this manner.

“whenever y/n’s in ‘tsun-tsun’ mode.” yuta noted while mixing the takoyaki batter.

ah yes. tsundere; a nickname that yuta’s been calling you even before you dated jaehyun. two words combined where ‘tsun’ meant ‘blunt’ while ‘dere’ meant ‘lovey-dovey’. in fact, it was his idea to make you both meet as total opposites attract. he felt you were each other’s key to both of your locked-away hearts for relationships. so when he managed to set you both on a date for fun, you and jaehyun did clicked, and fell in love in the process.

of course, this was revealed later than imagined and to his surprise, you weren’t mad or anything.

jaehyun shrugged in complete silence, but a smile still evident and shown on his face. “if it’s y/n, it’s alright for me. she’s probably just not as affectionate or showy whenever there are people around. it’s different when it’s only the both of us alone.”

“how would you know if she cares for you when you’re in public? tsunderes like her are kinda hard to read.” yuta stated and it was definitely true. jaehyun would like it if you could be a little bit true to yourself on the outside, not just masking something you were not.

“it’s hard to explain.. but i know it well if she’s being herself.” he spread the sauce onto the new laid-out dough.

your throat thirsted for a drink after screaming at the younger boys for killing you instantly in three consecutive rounds. so headed to the kitchen to find yuta and johnny smiling with the same grins and snickers.

these two- they’re at it again.

“agh, i’m thirsty.” you fanned yourself and grabbed a cup to pour water into. a sigh escaped from your lips and wondered why you spent time into playing rather than studying for your finals. you weren’t supposed to delay or procrastinate what you scheduled today for, but seeing jaehyun and his friends on their free time had you feeling annoyed again. it wasn’t your time of month yet either so why were you so cranky when you thought you’ve calmed down?

jaehyun immediately switched from being serious to a boy in love. he took a piece of pepperoni and placed half of it into his mouth, leaning closer to yours. his pearly whites shown and he giggled wide before speaking. “eat this.” he said between breaths. your boyfriend looked funny and cute at the same time. you were so close to giving in before realizing the two guys behind him started to tease you with their eyes.

you took the piece with your hands and ate it. much to jaehyun’s dismay, his eyes changed and you didn’t notice it. “ey y/n, you’re supposed to get it with-”

“stop this!” you hissed coldly and covered half of your face from the sudden loud tone. you felt instant regret but your pissed personality had already outweighed that. “tsk you’re too much, can’t you see that yourself?” you walked away, your drink long forgotten.

your boyfriend sighed and pulled you on the arm. “so you’re saying it’s a problem that i’m being too attached?” he asked, his voice slightly higher but man that punched real hard.

“i’m saying you should at least know when and where to act this way! i thought we talked about this!” you managed to break free from his hold, but he wasn’t having any of your childish breakouts.

“shouldn’t you be asking yourself that, y/n?” he placed the glass bowl down with more strength on the counter, gaining the others’ attention and diverting their gaze onto you. “all i ever did was to be your boyfriend and myself but here you are, being someone i thought was slowly changing.”

you gulped and nearly choked on your own saliva at is words. in the months of dating him, never have you faced this side of him before. “changing? the heck i’m not. did you forget that i have finals next week? and if you claim you’re actually ‘being my boyfriend’, why did you invite them here when you have your own place to deal with your quality time?” you crossed your arms.

jaehyun felt the strings of his heart strum in a painful way. was this what yuta and johnny meant by ‘enduring’? well, his answer was incorrect, he couldn’t distinguish his girlfriend’s real self and the masked one right now. “i did tell you but you always put your anger over my feelings that it blinded you from seeing what’s in front! how about you act like my sweet girlfriend for once whenever the guys are here?!”

your heart sank at the realisation of how differently you behaved in comparison with jaehyun and with his friends around. you didn’t want to cry in front of them now that you felt the tears prickling and stinging your eyes. with heavy steps you set your pride down and head back to your room. jaehyun watched you rub your eyes with his tshirt and groaned at how far he went with his words. “oh, crap.” he whispered.

yuta and johnny pursed their lips and clasped their hands simultaneously. “sorry jae. we might have provoked- or make her shy-”

jaehyun shook his head, disagreeing with their claims. “you did nothing wrong. it made me realise how stupid i looked when i’m too affectionate with her. i didn’t even know i’m already making her uncomfortable. love is blind.”

they both had jaehyun between them for a group hug. “you’re still soft even when you’re mad at her. you love her so much haha!” they teased. “aren’t you going to her room? it looked like she was crying.”

“let her be. she’ll come out later.” jaehyun assured them, heading back to continue with the pizza making.

“how do you know that?”

“you’ll see.” he bursted into teasing giggles that his friends found him a little evil, but they understood where he was coming from.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

you woke up from crying too hard and your head spun in circles from the pain it had left. there was no point in going out now because your eyes were swollen and puffed up. jaehyun thought you were changing and that hit you the most because you really weren’t.

“stupid jaehyun.” you hugged your pillow and noticed how hideous you looked from the mirror’s reflection.

the aroma of pizza made its way out of the oven and entered your room. you haven’t had a meal since breakfast and it lured you to sneak a peek. however, you were shy to show yourself. there were few knocks onto your door, asking you to take a bite. you couldn’t face jaehyun and you’ve never seen him so crossed. in the end, you knew you had to apologise. he was the best thing you could ever ask for and there was nothing that could replace him.

carefully, you turned the knob without a sound. the guys were still immersed into the game, so walking in stealth mode wouldn’t make them notice your existence. you wore jaehyun’s sweater and put on the hood; soon tied a knot to cover your face. from the gaps of your door, you spotted jaehyun making the second- or third batch of pizza. you had to make sure you stood behind him.

jaehyun hummed a song he always liked to sing. he turned with two plates in his hands to place them in the oven, later realizing you stood before him and wrapped your arms around him. “what’s wrong, y/n?” he passed the plates to johnny and hugged you back. he could feel how you tightened your embrace, like you didn’t want him to escape.

“i’m sorry.” you mumbled into his chest to prevent the tears from falling and from guilt.

he winked at his friends for his accurate prediction and cleared his throat. “what did you say?” he held in his smile.

ah she’s in dere mode.. they thought the same.

“i’m sorry for what i did.” you whined while still hugging him and hopping slightly because you didn’t want to cry in front of his friends.

“i can’t hear you.” jaehyun singsonged and this irked you a bit.

“i said i’m sorr-” you finally looked up, only to be greeted with a kiss the forehead.

the rest of them could see how flustered you were; your arms not knowing what to do nor where to place them, and then they formed sweaterpaws at the sudden action, it looked like you panicked a lot too.

jaehyun let you go and his eyes softened that you began to blush and panic again. “what?”

“just thinking how pretty you are.” he pat your head in assurance that he forgave you.

you inhaled quite a long one before letting it all out at his comment. “y-you. st-stop tha-t.”

“stop what?” he hummed as he bent down to see you properly; red face and swollen eyes. heh, she did cry..

“stop smiling like that. you’re too handsome and it’s killing me.”

“wow, never thought i’d be embarrassed when you compliment me.” he purposely made his voice loud to tease you.

“i’m dissing you!” you butt back, grabbing a pizza slice from the counter.

the others covered their mouths from laughing.

and she’s back to tsun-tsun mode..

jaehyun made you sit on the stool by the counter, where you were levelled with his soft, chocolate brown eyes. “although you’re cute in this version of yourself, you don’t always have to put up a front. you’re with me, so be you. don’t mask who you actually are.”

you pursed your lips at his advice. well he wasn’t wrong. “fine. where should i start?” your cheeks began to turn red again.

whilst rubbing circles around your waist with his thumbs, he pondered for a moment and you saw how he lit up, already knew what to answer.

“try giving a little piece of the y/n who always has a tender heart. that’s the girl i fell for.”

[fairycosmos]

chloe what do you do when you feel really suicidal? but like not like before- but NOW that you are grieving such a painful loss? dont need to answer but i read your a. to the anon that felt trapped and like they couldnt leave now bc their sibling died too and like you and that anon i feel the same. im so so suicidal chloe. i cry every day and night and i feel despertate but my parents just lost their child so. how do you cope... as much as its possible. what do we do? fuck.

dude i am so sorry you're in the same position as me and you are going to hate me for saying it but there is no satisfactory answer 😔 it's a cruel joke. we're in the worst pain we've ever been in, and our instinct is to want to make that stop. but we can't because now we're obligated to stay alive, where all the hurt is, because we're one of the only ones left. and we dont want to cause more of this feeling by ending it all. it's like a contract you didn't agree to and are now trapped in for the foreseeable. grief is the absolute heaviest thing a person can carry, it's a fucking nightmare. it doesn't make any sense, it doesn't have a cure and it's disorienting as fuck. it's ok to be exhausted by it. reality has been irreparably  worsened and it's an absolute tragedy,  it's completely unfair. personally i'm more suicidal than i've ever been, but like you, i know i'm not going to do anything.  and in moments of great pain, where i want to act on those thoughts, i find myself coming back to that fact. i watch the idea of suicide run its course through my head and then i acknowledge the reality of things, that i can't leave. that it doesn't matter how sad i am and how tired i am, because i'm still here, and processing these emotions is a part of that. the urge to kill myself is there, but the actual act of suicide has never been less of an option than it is right now. so i can feel whatever i need to feel, but there's no point leaning into it or daydreaming about it. because it's not going to happen. sometimes i'm screaming and crying to myself in absolute agony while this is all going on, and sometimes i'm just sitting staring at my phone, numb. the desperation is very real, and i understand that. but it is not as urgent as it feels in the moment. no matter how many times i think i'm at my limit, i know that there's going to be tomorrow. and at the moment that sounds like a really bad thing. but i know that by waking up my parents aren't getting a call saying i'm dead, which for now is kind of the whole point. i am living to minimize their trauma, i am living for them, and an optimist would have hope that that could keep me alive long enough until i get to the point where i can eventually live for myself again. i could definitely see that for your future, even if you can't. the thing is you don't have to know what to do and you dont have to look for ways to fill the void that has been left behind by your sibling. you just have to learn to exist alongside it, and i do mean just exist. as awful as it is. waking up, putting one foot in front of the other, crying and crying and crying. that is good enough. i know it doesn't feel like much of a life, but. it's the short term answer, or so it seems to me. another thing i remind myself of is how it all comes in waves. waves are the nature of both grief, and strong suicidal urges. maybe they're always running in the background, but the moments of pure despair where you feel like you're bursting at the seams, they're so strong and harsh that they flare out faster than you realize. and they feel unbearable, and i know those moments are very frequent when you're in our position, but it's good to remember that the intensity of their nature makes them temporary.  especially if the grief is fresh, every little thing triggers an avalanche of hopelessness.  but some part of me believes these experiences will either a. become less persistent with time or b. become a part of us we learn how to navigate.  at the moment, the simple act of being completely broken by these episodes means you're surviving them. i think it's not a matter of knowing how to cope, but knowing that if you're here to ask these questions - what do i do, how do i go on, etc - then that is proof you have been coping. and it probably doesn't feel like you have been. i think there's a common misconception that coping is thriving, letting go, having positive memories. and sure that's a part of it. but there is a lot of darkness and absolute horror to work through before that. additionally,  there is no rule book on how exactly to work through it. theres just time, experience, learning what works for you and hanging on. i'm trying to hold my own hand through it, i'm trying to look at the present moment i'm in and just think about what i need at that very second.  not what i'm going to do tomorrow, not what i should've done yesterday, but what i have to do right now to make it through.  a lot of the time the answer is nothing, and i just sit and stare or cry, because like i said, ultimately nothing can fix it. theres no epiphany that can change what happened. 

as far as practical things you can to do combat suicidal thoughts goes, i have a few suggestions that i really hope you consider as viable choices: talk to your doctor/therapist - idk where you live or what your financial situation is like, but if it's at all an option i would really urge you to seek professional help. at least let your GP know what you're dealing with so maybe they can refer you to a therapist, or give you some mental health resources. grief counselling is also a step in the right direction. having someone to talk to and implementing positive coping mechanisms into your day to day life, even if it's the last thing on earth you want to do, can work wonders. understanding your own suicidal thoughts, why you react the way you do and what you can do about it, can really come in handy when you're breaking down. it's ok to reach out. it's ok to visit different counsellors until you find one that fits you. it's ok to treat your emotional turmoil as seriously as you'd treat any physical disease. there is always support and treatment options available in some form, and it is always worth looking into.

call a (grief or suicide) hotline - i've had the hotline number open in my browser for days. if you are in a moment of crisis, it can absolutely help to have someone talk you through your emotions, listen to your pain, and then give you some gentle recommendations as to what you should do next or where to go from here. you don't have to tell them your name, you don't have to say anything you don't want to say. you're in control of the call and they care about keeping you going. you're not alone. theres also online grief support groups - i'm in a sibling loss group on fb.  it's absolutely crazy how many people are in this position. 

talk to your parents/family/friends - i know saying 'this is a tough one' is a giant understatement.  idk if it's the same for you, but i've been isolating to cope and i don't want to tell anyone what i'm thinking because they're already having such a hard time grieving my sister. but if there's anyone you trust, i just want you to know it's alright to lean on them. it's up to you how much you open up, but the urge to keep to yourself leads nowhere. those around you can relate (to an extent) with your grief, and sharing it, talking about memories and crying together - it's fucking awful, god it's the worst thing ever, but it's necessary. and i don't want to say it helps, but a shared burden is always better than trying to shoulder it alone. you deserve to be listened to and supported. and if you think you're being an inconvenience to your loved ones, that's your inner self hatred talking. they would likely rather be there for you when you need it, than have you harm yourself because you kept it all pent up. it's a lot easier said than done, but it's important to keep in mind that it's an option.

try to create a safe space - try to remove things from your living space you could use to harm yourself with, and make the environment as comforting as possible. refer back to safe coping mechanisms/ distractions that have worked in the past - this can be as simple as going for a walk, watching stupid shit on your phone, meditation, having a crying session, writing to your sibling or just about how you feel in general. these are not suggestions that will solve anything or cure mental illness by any stretch of the imagination.  they just get you out of your head. that can really make a difference. 

create a crisis plan and learn what triggers you - this is a bit of a process but that's alright. being able to identify what sets you off, and being able to recognize your own toxic thinking patterns/behaviours, is the first step towards combatting them. another idea is, if you do end up talking to a loved one or a mental health professional, come up with a plan with them regarding what they should do when you're suicidal and your judgement is impaired. you can even start by just making one for yourself, like writing down a few suggestions as to what you should do when you're in a crisis, what your other options besides suicide are. 

i think that's all i've got right now. i'm sorry this got so long, especially when i know nothing truly helps. i just know what it's like having all this useless life in front of you that you're going to have to fight through without the one person who always should've been there. i keep thinking about what she'd say to me if she could see me, and i know she'd be livid if i threw my life away, but. that doesn't change the fact that she didn't get to live hers, and that i miss her so so much it aches. i keep coming back to the idea that our relationship will continue to grow beyond  death. i can still talk to her, reminisce  with her, understand her, love her. so much of this reality was shaped by her. it's not the same as when she was here, but it's not total absence  either.  anyway, i'm so so sorry for your loss and i hope you can just focus on taking care of yourself, love. because your life still has so much worth and you deserve to see your own future even if you cant stand the thought. moments of happiness and peace are still 100% possible. it's just never going to feel like it did before. and it's ok if you spend the rest of your life struggling to come to terms with that fact, because at least you got to live the rest of your life. i'm sending so much love to you and i'll be here if you need a friend. one day at a time.

*no pressure to read all this you can just refer back to it whenever you feel the need

[punkscowardschampions]

Rio & Liam

Rio: I still can’t believe all that mess just happened

Rio: I swear to God my friends aren’t usually that trash like… what the fuck

Liam: it was unbelievable, are you ok

Rio: Like not at all but there’s nothing you can do

Rio: and you’ve already done loads more than I could ask, so don’t worry

Rio: This has really blindsided me, I’d never have expected this from her

Liam: sometimes you don’t know people how you think you do, or you did but they change on you into somebody else

Rio: So true

Rio: I never knew her, clearly

Rio: and she didn’t know me if she thought I was ever going to take her side over my family, was that the plan?

Rio: I genuinely do not get why she did this, tbh

Liam: she probably wasn’t planning further ahead than getting your other mate to take her side, she did things without thinking when I knew her

Rio: Who in their right mind would take her side

Rio: even without the full story

Liam: I dunno, I could be looking at it wrong and what she wanted was for all this to come out

Rio: Now I’m just worried there’s something seriously wrong with her

Rio: it’s not normal, no shit but

Rio: there has to be something going on to drive her to this, right?

Liam: if it’s a cry for help, getting this many other people involved and doing it tonight is a weird twist

Rio: It’s fucked, on so many levels I can’t even get into

Rio: Poor Edie

Rio: Is she mad at me now?

Liam: you don’t have to worry about Edie, she saw what Lex was like before this, she’s a good judge of who people are underneath whatever they put across

Rio: at least one of us is

Rio: I just don’t want her thinking I was out to ruin her night or make it about me and my friends’ bullshit

Rio: I was trying to do the opposite, draw a bigger crowd, you know

Liam: she understands where you were coming from, and it’s like you said, the two of us are in a bubble, I’m not gonna let anything ruin her night or switch up what it’s about

Rio: I’m really glad

Rio: At least that good still came from tonight

Rio: she doesn’t need to feel involved with all this Lexie business, it’s definitely about me, not Edie and you, I can see that now

Liam: I’d be a dick when you’re still going through it if I said I was buzzing we’re both out of it but I was questioning when it started if it was a bit about me, and her, I dunno what I could or would do if Lexie was, like, in love with me or something

Rio: But perfectly valid, this is a shit show

Rio: You don’t need to worry about her, she’s not going to come anywhere near me or mine ever again

Rio: it’s a betrayal beyond what she said in the text, and she knows that

Liam: she don’t worry me, and you don’t have to worry about anything but what she’s trying to involve you in

Rio: Oh we’re done

Rio: now I know she can’t fuck with me any more

Liam: loads of good came out of tonight then

Rio: I suppose that’s true

Rio: it doesn’t feel like that right now but hey

Liam: being done with her shite is gonna feel better in the long run

Rio: Sorry, I am not trying to dump this on you

Rio: that’s how I got here

Liam: Edie’s not mad at you but she would be at me if I just dipped on her sister in the middle of this

Rio: I appreciate that you took the time to do the digging

Rio: can I ask how you went about it?

Liam: not if you’re asking bc you wanna do more on her, that’s not being done or gonna make you feel better

Rio: Oh, no, it’s not about her

Rio: It’s for personal reasons

Liam: if you don’t know what you’re doing you’re gonna end up alerting the person you’re looking into before you find out what you wanna know

Rio: and it’s not something you can teach me?

Rio: I’m not a totally technophobic 👵 I swear

Liam: I don’t even know what you’re looking for

Rio: If Lexie had done more to me, behind the scenes, how could I find out if it was her

Liam: you’d know bc she can’t cover her tracks, it was easy for me to find the things I did

Rio: you don’t think she could keep it up then

Rio: yeah, that’s probably true

Liam: I don’t know, maybe if she wanted this to blow up as fast as it did and didn’t want something else to

Rio: She’s shot herself in the foot if it was her

Rio: anyway

Rio: I still feel bad, I should make it up to Edie

Liam: we could be giving her too much credit or not enough

Liam: Edie meanwhile deserves full credit for how the show went

Rio: I’m going to take her on an actual decent night out

Rio: you’re invited too, of course

Liam: thanks, if she wants me there, I’ll be there

Rio: We could go [somewhere bouj and your vibe] next weekend

Liam: where 😏

Liam: now I’ve searched it, yeah, alright, she’ll feel 👑 going there

Rio: Right?

Rio: I know it was technically your birthday but a girl can never feel like a 👑 too much

Rio: I’ll take her shopping first too but you don’t have to come to that bit, don’t worry 😉

Liam: wouldn’t be the first time I’ve waited outside a fitting room with a bag or the extra clothes they won’t let you take in

Rio: Bless

Rio: sisters are good training for girlfriends, for sure

Rio: I went out with a guy who had like all brothers and he was hopeless

Liam: my ma’d claim it’s more to do with her, however much of me is well behaved

Rio: well of course, that goes without saying

Rio: you aren’t a mummy’s boy type though, are you? 🤴

Rio: ‘cause I hadn’t even thought to warn her about that possibility yet

Liam: you’re too late with any warnings now

Rio: god, don’t say that, sounds so 😬 like 😂

Liam: if she calls me a mammy’s boy when you ask her, I’ll see myself out, like

Rio: I highly doubt she’ll say anything negative about you

Liam: your ma didn’t order me out when I met her, but you can give me a clue if she was just being polite, yeah

Rio: She was as surprised as the rest of us

Rio: but she’s pretty chill, and you aren’t a serial killer, so you’re good on that one

Liam: bit soon to crack a joke at Lexie’s expense or yours about how we don’t all get caught doing what we shouldn’t

Rio: 😏

Rio: if my sister goes missing, I think I’ll be able to put 2x2 together on that one, babe

Liam: the boyfriend did it every time, no technological skill required to solve the case, only luminol and an awareness of toxic masculinity

Rio: no wonder my ma liked you if you came out with all that

Rio: that’s just her energy

Liam: liked could be a bit strong but I’ll work on it, I get that everyone’s not gonna be celebrating as hard as mine is

Rio: that’s so cute 😫

Rio: it’s sweet, no one’s hating now

Liam: it’s the looking older thing, putting me at a disadvantage one time, but she knows I’m not 24 or something crazy now

Rio: No offence, but it could be a lot worse

Rio: she’s gone around with some strange people 🥴😷

Rio: and yeah, you aren’t that much older, really, so along with what you clearly have in common

Rio: I see it

Liam: not gonna get offended you think I’m normal, it’s a massive asset when I’m going round being a huge criminal, clearly

Rio: Ha, is it

Rio: stop with your jokes I’m tryna be sincere 😅

Liam: stop being sincere, you’ve had a fucked up night and if you don’t 😂 you’ll be 😭 is the cliche

Rio: God, too real

Rio: How tragic of me

Liam: nobody’ll hear it from me 😂 or 😭

Rio: Cheers, like

Rio: I’ll go get another drink and toast being free/drown my sorrows

Liam: I’d offer but you could be 3 drinks in while I’m still waiting to be served

Rio: I look older too 💁‍♀️

Liam: 🥂

Rio: I’d offer to get you guys some but I can’t 👀 yous and I’m sure you’re gonna go do something better now

Liam: I'll think of something to put the spotlight back on Edie and keep her feeling special until it's your turn

Rio: 🥰

Rio: Good job

Liam: she could teach you how to find out if Lexie did mess with you at all before, instead of giving a stranger like me access to your devices

Rio: Ah, I don’t wanna worry her

Rio: I’ll just forget about it, it’s no big

Liam: is it that worrying

Rio: Maybe I’m just over-protective, I’m sure that’s what she’d say

Liam: yeah, honestly, but I wouldn’t say it’s a bad thing

Rio: She’ll thank me when she’s not a crazy teen

Liam: probably true

Rio: It sounds like wishful thinking, I know

Rio: but I’ve been there

Liam: wishful thinking you ain’t a crazy teen no more

Rio: Charming! 😂

Liam: not a 👵 you wanted me to know

Rio: If I am you are, and you want me to know you’re not too old for her soooo 🤫

Liam: you already admitted it could be loads worse

Rio: You aren’t some sleazy ‘producer’ who pretends you don’t know how old she really is

Rio: or some wannabe rockstar

Liam: unwishful thinking or did it happen

Rio: She’s not stupid, thank God

Rio: just nightmare scenarios that would be way more worrying if she remotely was

Liam: it’s that you’ve been afraid to come to her shows before now then

Rio: Pretty much

Rio: and idk

Rio: contrary to how it seems, I try to let them have their own things

Liam: I get your motives

Rio: If she wanted me there, she’d ask, wouldn’t she?

Liam: if it’s that simple between you two

Rio: Simple ain’t the word

Liam: which sounds like her coming out with what she do or don’t want ain’t likely

Rio: She’s been vocal about what she doesn’t want but I can’t do that for her, that’s the problem

Liam: confrontation where you don’t expect anything to change is easier than getting vulnerable over something you could have, or wish you could, but dunno if you’ll get

Liam: her music matters to her, but you playing along and 👏 bc you’re her big sister isn’t enough

Rio: I know it does, doesn’t she know that

Liam: she thinks you don’t take it serious

Rio: That’s not true

Liam: to her it is or she wouldn’t have told me and I wouldn’t be telling you

Rio: I don’t know why I’ve said any of this to you

Liam: there’s some anonymity as you don’t know me, but I’m kinda invested so you’re not just venting to someone who isn’t

Rio: Honestly, forget about it

Rio: I can talk to my own sister when I need to, we’re fine

Liam: yeah, but you can let me help too

Rio: What can you do about it?

Liam: you’re here bc I invited you

Rio: She could’ve said no

Liam: and she didn’t, she said it was a good idea

Rio: yeah

Rio: me and Edie are fine

Rio: despite any efforts from ex-friends or otherwise

Liam: nobody’s crediting Lexie to that level

Rio: what are you saying, Liam?

Rio: if there’s a problem you know about, then just say

Liam: if it was about her it’d be over, it’s you saying it ain’t simple between you and Edie, I’m not saying anything

Rio: It never is, is it

Rio: were things simple with your sister?

Liam: yeah, a terminal illness is gonna make things pretty simple, like

Rio: Oh, I would’ve imagined the opposite

Liam: not for a relationship dynamic, she gets what she wants

Rio: I guess so

Rio: well, obviously, it can’t work like that long-term, sorry to be blunt

Rio: but I’m not telling you anything you don’t know

Liam: I wasn’t telling you to follow the example of me and my sister

Rio: I know

Rio: Some things can’t be fixed, that’s the truth

Liam: don’t mean you throw round a statement like that and stop trying to

Rio: All I do is try

Rio: you don’t know

Liam: I know Edie’s worth the effort

Rio: and so do I

Liam: you’ve got time and loads of chances to keep on trying is the truth

Rio: Look, it’s not a secret I’m dating our cousin, so I know you know that

Rio: it’s also not a secret that plenty of people, Edie being one of them, are not fans of that

Rio: I can’t change any of that, that’s something we’re all going to have to live with

Liam: there’s stuff you can change though that’d make things better than they are

Rio: I’m not doing anything else wrong

Rio: in her eyes, anyway

Rio: that’s where the problem starts and stops

Liam: if you say so

Rio: You’ve known her five minutes

Rio: I really don’t need a lecture when I’ve known her her whole life

Liam: I wouldn’t keep it this vague if I was putting you in your place instead of trying to spare your feelings

Rio: Spare my feelings? Like she hasn’t said it all a million times worse? 😂

Rio: worry about what you know about her after-all, but thanks

Liam: I’ve got no worries about her

Rio: ‘course not

Rio: look, I sincerely mean drop it

Rio: it’s been an intense night and a weird one on my end, let’s act like we left it there, yeah

Liam: you not wanting my help don’t mean I’m retracting the offer, it’s still there

Rio: You’re dating her, you don’t need to impress me, like

Liam: it’s about her, not you

Rio: You don’t reckon she’s better off without me then

Liam: I wouldn’t admit to it, isolating someone from their family and mates is a huge red flag

Rio: 😏 Encouraging as ever that you just bring that shit up in lieu of nothing

Liam: you brought it up

Rio: no I didn’t

Liam: when you asked me if I think she’d be better off without you

Rio: that’s hardly accusing you of being a psycho abuser

Liam: it’d be a toxic thought for me to have, especially bc I’ve not known her long enough for you

Rio: you haven’t known her long enough to have a go at me on the matter, that’s what I meant by that

Liam: I’m not having a go, I’m having a convo you started and I think is worth keeping going, for Edie’s sake

Rio: I’m not mad at you

Rio: so agreed

Liam: she’s already helped me loads with shite I’m struggling with, I wanna help her too, if I can

Rio: that’s nice

Rio: genuinely

Rio: you clearly care, I don’t have to worry about that

Liam: we did just meet but everyone’s gotta start somewhere

Rio: of course

Rio: you know people usually don’t go this fast though, I’ve not just imagined that up

Rio: most lads ‘refuse to put a label on it’

Liam: most lads think they’ve got as much time as they want to fuck about, my brain’s not wired for wasting it

Rio: I get that

Rio: but you don’t have to skip ahead, miss the fun parts, you know

Rio: like, you don’t feel forced, right

Liam: what do you think she’s rushing me into or vice versa

Rio: I know our experiences shape us, and we have no control over that, trust me, I do

Rio: but idk, it’d make me sad to think you end up doing things you didn’t actually want to, or miss out on the little things, for the sake of fitting it all in, in pursuit of those milestones

Rio: you know

Rio: neither of you deserves that

Liam: you’ve described the opposite of what we’re both doing, it’d be funny if I’d never done any of it before or I was pretending to you I hadn’t, but I’m not with her

Liam: I want it to be different and she knows it is

Rio: If that’s what you both want

Rio: then that’s all good with me

Liam: after that’s what Lexie did, I fully expected Edie to want me to do stuff I wasn’t down to, but that was before I really knew her

Rio: What did Lexie do?

Liam: you know how she can be, it was intense, and asking too much of me

Rio: that’s fucked up of her

Rio: are you okay, did you tell anybody?

Liam: what would I have said, she fancies me too hard, I had bigger things going on, it barely registered until I said about it to Edie and she was upset for me

Rio: She shouldn’t have gone out with you

Rio: even if she thought she was doing a nice thing, she clearly wasn’t mature enough to even attempt to go about it in a good way

Liam: I shouldn’t have agreed to it, she wasn’t forcing that bit, it was on me

Rio: You were grieving, bad decisions are expected

Liam: nobody was mature enough back then, it was ages ago

Rio: so young

Liam: too late now to use the rushing things chat on her

Rio: I don’t think she’s been an evil bitch the whole time

Rio: she got it wrong back then

Rio: but this time she’s crossed a line

Liam: and got caught out for it

Rio: yep

Rio: oh well, at least it’s over

Rio: even if I never work out what I did to make her do that

Liam: it’s clearly a her thing, whatever her damage is, not your fault somehow you could point at and say yeah there’s what I did

Rio: yeah

Rio: I think I’d rather I could know, what it was about

Rio: that over thinking she did it just ‘cos

Liam: I could look again, see if there’s more to find, but it ain’t gonna be a folder called why

Rio: ha

Rio: nah, you’re alright

Rio: I can move on without it

Liam: drowning your sorrows or doing a cheers, wasn’t it

Rio: 🥂

Liam: I can see you

Liam: but we're gonna head off, direct from your sister is she already feels high

Liam: I'll pick her up if you wanna 👋 [and do pick her up before Rio can answer lol]

Rio: I saw your ma commented, are you going home?

Liam: not straight back

Rio: okay, well have fun

Liam: and you

Rio: 🧡🧡

Rio: and tell her I’m sorry, yeah?

Rio: and that she was really good

Liam: yeah, I'll let her know

Rio: thanks, Liam

Liam: she'll wanna hear it

Rio: I hope so

Liam: and about [wherever they are going on this double date] too

Rio: convince her if not

Rio: she’ll 🧡 it when she gets there

Liam: both of us getting to dress up will have her 😁

Rio: absolutely

Rio: I’ve not completely forgotten who she is, like

Liam: I was hyping up your plan not calling you out as being blackout drunk this fast

Rio: you know what I mean

Rio: blackout is now the mood but hey

Liam: don’t let Lexie get to you

Rio: I’ll do my best 🙃

[notebooks-and-tea]

Parse & Folklore: A Ted Talk

Alright everyone, settle down and come have emotions with me about how many of the lyrics from Folklore could apply to Parse. This is a long one so buckle in kiddos. I’m not usually a omgcp blog and I haven’t actually used tumblr in ages but I needed to share my emotions. Someone please yell at me if they have any more thoughts - I’m always here for Parse &/ Taylor rants!  

1. The 1 - let’s be real you could read the entirety of this song as Kent, hopefully having now finally managed to move on from Jack, wistfully thinking back on how nice it would’ve have been if he had indeed been ‘the one’. 

Lyrics that kind of hurt:

We were something, don’t you think so? And if my wishes came true It would've been you In my defense, I have none For never leaving well enough alone      Rosé flowing with your chosen family And it would've been sweet If it could've been me In my defense, I have none For digging up the grave another time 2. Cardigan -  So the concept of this song doesn’t directly relate to Kent but a few of the lines stick out to me a lot and I guess just generally this idea of ‘when you are young they assume you know nothing’ in the context of what Jack and Kent would have been going through when they were in Juniors.

Lyrics that stand out to my angsty heart:

But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs The smell of smoke would hang around this long 'Cause I knew everything when I was young I knew I'd curse you for the longest time <--literally just Kent not being able to let go of Jack despite how long it’s been since the draft

3.  My Tears Ricochet - Definitely don’t think about the idea of Kent loving Jack and being cut out and ignored following his overdose while listening to this song. ‘I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace’ when thinking about Kent visiting Jack at Samwell and being rejected, then lashing out is particularly painful okay. You could totally interpret a lot of this song as Kent lashing out at Jack and reminding him that he can cut him out and claim he’s moved on but he’ll always be a part of him and it just makes me sad to think about how that might not actually be true...

Lyrics that make me sad:

Even on my worst day Did I deserve, babe All the hell you gave me? 'Cause I loved you I swear I loved you Till my dying day  I didn't have it in myself to go with grace And you're the hero flying around saving face <--Jack getting to look like Kent attacked him for no reason as if he doesn’t also owe apologies  'Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave And you can aim for my heart, go for blood But you would still miss me in your bones    <-- also kind of reminds me of Kent, in his anger when he turns up at Samwell, lashing out and saying that it’s people like him who still care about Jack no matter what

4. Mirrorball - okay literally just one line really sticks out to me and makes me sad so definitely don’t think about Kent having to hide who he is around the Aces, especially when Jack and Bitty kiss on the ice and he’s in the bar and someone whose name I’ve forgotten is being a homophobic dick, while Taylor sings “I'm a mirrorball I can change everything about me to fit in”

5. AUGUST - like the entire song basically? But like specifically these two boys have a month in the summer between winning the memorial cup and the draft and maybe Kent thinks it’s perfect and he’s so hopeful and he knows it has to end because they’re going to be on separate teams but maybe for him, just wanting them to be together is enough, at least for now. But everything goes wrong and Jack slips away and then they lose contact because Jack cuts him out and all Kent knows is that he should have known because he was never really his no matter how much he hoped that would be true. So now he just has those memories of the two of them together that one summer and maybe that kind of makes me want to cry?

Lyrics and sadnessss:

I never needed anything more Whispers Of "Are you sure?" "Never have I ever before" <-- just really hammering in that reminder that they were just kids before the draft But I can see us Lost in the memory August slipped away into a moment in time 'Cause it was never mine And I can see us twisted in bedsheets August sipped away Like a bottle of wine 'Cause you were never mine  Will you call when you're back at school? I remember thinking I had you Wanting was enough For me, it was enough To live for the hope of it all Cancel plans just in case you'd call So much for summer love, and saying "Us" 'Cause you weren't mine to lose 6.  This is Me Trying - Yikes, isn’t the title just a hypothetical Parse anthem though? Once again, not really exactly in the spirit of the actual song but I feel like so many of the lyrics apply? I mean, Kent turning up at Samwell vibes and once again he lashes out because he feels hurt but he’s trying. He doesn’t even know if Jack wants to see him but he’s hopeful so he turns up and he’s trying to be helpful and to reconnect but he’s still hurting even if Jack doesn’t seem to care? Also definitely don’t think about Kent in his first year in the NHL when he’s supposed to be living his dream and enjoying life, celebrating victories with his new team but all he can think about is Jack and how he may have hurt him and that he’s living the life he’s missing out on. 

Lyrics I have emotions about:

I didn't know if you'd care if I came back I have a lot of regrets about that Pulled the car off the road to the lookout Could've followed my fears all the way down And maybe I don't quite know what to say But I'm here in your doorway <-- Kent turning up at Samwell not really knowing if Jack would want to see him but being so hopeful that he would just hurtssss I just wanted you to know That this is me trying  And at least I’m trying

And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad I have a lot of regrets about that

And it's hard to be at a party When I feel like an open wound It's hard to be anywhere these days When all I want is you

7. Illicit Affairs - Ooooh boy, we’re back to entire songs that remind me of Kent and Jack and pre-draft sadness. So cannon Jack might claim that they never really dated and doesn’t that hurt even more if you consider Kent thinking they’re basically dating in secret only for Jack to overdose, then cut him off completely and deny that what they had ever involved any real emotions on his part? So here’s where illicit affairs makes me want to sob. Definitely don’t think about them having a secret ‘relationship’ that starts off because they’re just such close friends, the best friend either one of them has ever had, but they’re also both closeted professional hockey players and horny teenagers let’s be honest, and what starts off as raw moments of honesty and closeness between them get’s slowly corrupted because they have to hide it all, and they have the draft to think about, and Jack has his anxiety etc. And maybe Jack doesn’t call him kid or baby but he does call him Kenny like nobody else does and Kent would ruin himself if it meant he could have Jack back, would give him anything, would get him a spot on the Aces so they can finally play together like they were supposed to...This song makes me sad.

Lyrics that hurt especially (might as well post the entire song here tbh):

And that's the thing about illicit affairs And clandestine meetings And longing stares It's born from just one single glance But it dies and it dies and it dies ...a million little times / They show their truth one single time But they lie and they lie and they lie ...a million little times

So you leave no trace behind Like you don't even exist Take the words for what they are A dwindling, mercurial high A drug that only worked The first few hundred times

And you wanna scream Don't call me kid Don't call me baby Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me You showed me colors you know I can't see with anyone else Don't call me kid Don't call me baby Look at this idiotic fool that you made me You taught me a secret language I can't speak with anyone else And you know damn well For you I would ruin myself ...a million little times

8. Invisible Strings - Is this song too happy for my feelings about Kent most of the time? Probably, but basically any ship that ends in Kent/Happiness could apply to this song and that’s the reason it stays on this list. So basically think about Kent being happy and moving on with someone who’s so so good for him and helps him heal and then reconsider this song with that in mine. 

Lyrics to think about:

Time, Mystical time Cutting me open, then healing me fine

A string that pulled me Out of all the wrong arms right into that dive bar Something wrapped all of my past mistakes in barbed wire Chains around my demons Wool to brave the seasons One single thread of gold tied me to you Cold was the steel of my axe to grind for the boys who broke my heart Now I send their babies presents <- the idea of Kent moving on and no longer having confrontations with Jack whenever they meet but instead being happy for him too makes me so happy 

9. Betty - Okay once again the actual idea of this song, definitely doesn’t directly apply but hear me out. Kent turning up at Samwell wanting to be heard out by Jack. Maybe it doesn’t happen directly after the event so he’s not ‘only 17′ but he effectively is and he doesn’t know anything really. He didn’t at the time the overdose happened and he never got the chance to deal with it properly because Jack cut him out so he still doesn’t really know anything. All he knows is that he misses Jack and he wants to play with him again and wants them to get back to where they used to be, to where they’re suppose to be. And if he insulting Jack’s team isn’t James (Taylor’s POV) singing about Betty’s ‘stupid friends’ then idk what else to say. Why does this song scream Kent so much to me despite being about a random 17 year old boy who cheated on his girlfriend?

Lyrics I want to scream about:

Betty, I won't make assumptions about why you switched your homeroom But I think it's 'cause of me  <--so obvs not homeroom but please don’t think about Kent thinking that Jack overdosed and decided not to go to the NHL after her recovered because of him

But if I just showed up at your party Would you have me? Would you want me? Would you tell me to go fuck myself Or lead me to the garden? I'm only seventeen I don't know anything but I know I miss you <--maybe he’s not 17 but he’s basically still just a kid whenever Jack’s involved

Betty, I'm here on your doorstep And I planned it out for weeks now but, it's finally sinking in Betty, right now is the last time I can dream about what happens when you see my face again The only thing I wanna do Is make it up to you So, I showed up at your party Will you have me? Will you love me? Will you kiss me on the porch in front of all your stupid friends? If you kiss me Will it be just like I dreamed it? Will it patch your broken wings?

I definitely have more to say on this but this is already so long so that’s it for now, might continue on some other time?

[parkerspicedlatte]

Sicko (Part 1/2) Gender Neutral Reader

Summary: Dom is a snuggly puppy. 

Content: Fluff

Pairings: Dom+Gender Neutral Reader

Word Count: 1.4k

Warnings: IDK naked people???

"Love, why are you still sleeping?"

You felt something wet drag down from your cheek to your lips. There was no need for you to open your eyes to know that the wet somethings were actually Dom's own lips. Infact, you were  sure that it would be nearly impossible to open your eyes due to the blinding lights you knew would be clear to greet you and amplify your headache. 

The bed dipped a bit on either side of your body seconds before it started rocking back and forth lightly.

"Baaabe," you groaned. The rocking stopped. The subtle pounding in the front of your head continued, it matched the pattern of a horseshoe hitting concrete whilst in a gallop.

Something lightly brushed against your nose, like a feather being run over your face. You brought a hand up to brush it away but nothing was there. The hand dropped beside your head on the pillow. Then you felt it again, a light flutter across your nose. Once, twice, thrice. Your eyes opened hesitantly to guard against the daylight you'd anticipated but relaxed when something moved to block it. The something giggled above you. Your eyes revealed a mop of dark stringy hair falling over a pair of bright green eyes.

Dom shook his head ever so slightly causing his hair to brush against your nose again. You smelled minty breath when he leaned in to kiss your nose while giggling before moving onto your cheeks. Both of his knees were on either side of your hips leaving his fists to support his weight from either side of your pillow.

"Mornin' love," he mumbled into the side of your neck he'd buried his head into.

"Morning, how long have you been up?" Dom was still dressed for bed but you knew that he hadn't just rolled over to wake you up judging from how energetic he was. That and the fact that nobody wakes up with minty breath.

"'bout an hour, maybe half-" Dom smiled at you. "You were sleeping pretty hard and I didn't want to wake you. Are you feeling better at all?"

You'd gone to bed earlier with the beginning of your current headache and an impregnable urge to sleep for days. Unfortunately your symptoms had only magnified themselves and brought their friends. Now you had a sore throat, a stuffed head, and some major chills on top of the headache and fatigue.

You shook your head to answer Dom’s question with a saddened  ‘no.’

“I think I’ve got a cold.” You pointed at your throat and pouted pathetically.

Dom looked at your half wakened pouty face and found himself pouting as well. He didn’t like to see you not smiling. He watched as you rolled over onto your side and nuzzled into his right forearm. He shifted his own body to lie on the bed properly in front of you so that he could pull your body into his chest. Once he was satisfied with the way you were tangled in his own body, he positioned the blankets so they made a faux cocoon around you. Dom brought his left hand up to run it through your loose hair, brushing stray pieces from your face.

You watched him for a few seconds as he did this but were not able to keep your eyes open. On a good day you would have been made sleepy by someone playing with your hair but in your condition, you didn’t stand a chance.

Dom pressed sweet kisses to your head as he watched you fall asleep again. He made a mental list in his head of the things he’d need for you.

Soup 

Medicine 

Immune Boosters

Once he was sure you were asleep (once more), he cautiously slipped out of bed but not before he rearranged the covers and his pillow to seem like there was still a body beside you. He didn’t want you waking up looking for him. He knew if you were half asleep you’d accept the pillow as his body. 

He put a note on top of your phone on the side table.

Went too the store, be back in 20

You smiled at the bright pink sticky note on your phone, The misspelled word on top of the fact that the note was pink just made it totally him.

You pushed back the covers looking like a drunk trying to swim and stumbled out of bed. You didn’t even notice or care about the pink socks littering the floor or the jumpers thrown over the chair in the corner of the room. The only thing on your mind was your mission to find something to dull your headache and a bucket of water to wash it down with.

When Dom came home he placed the bags on the kitchen counter and took off towards your shared bedroom to look for you. He heard the shower running two doors down from the masterbedrom. The bathroom door was not only unlocked, but left halfway open. The trail of clothes started a few feet from your bed to the bathroom, an article of clothing every yard or so. Dominic frowned, that was definitely not your style. In fact you would have not been pleased if he’d done that. He knocked on the door as he stepped into the room.

“Love?”

“In here,” you answered from behind the shower curtain.

Dom bent to pick up the discarded clothes on the floor and put them on the dirty laundry hamper.

“D’you need anything?”

“No.”

He peeled back the shower curtain and chuckled to himself at the sight. You were sitting on the floor of the tub under the hot water, letting it flow over you. Your head rested on your knees that were pulled up to your chest and held by your arms. 

“What’re you doing love?”

“Letting the steam help with my headache.”

Dom thought for a second. “If you had shut the bathroom door you’d probably have more steam in here you know.”

“Probably,” you sighed. Dom dropped the curtain back into place. You could hear fumbling then metal clicking against the counter top. The shower curtain opened again but this time from behind you. You felt the water deflect momentarily as Dom stepped in and sat down, letting his legs move in on either side of your body. He moved his body close to you, leaning in so that his chest was pressed against your back. His wet arms snaked around your torso, his fingers spread and carefully traced every inch of skin that they could reach as he did so.

Ever so slightly he rocked your bodies side to side, both of you wordlessly enjoying the feeling of each other’s skin. Dom hummed softly into the space between your shoulder blades then he quietly transitioned his humming to singing lowly.

 I’m okay in the day, I’m staying busy

Tied up enough so I don’t have to wonder, where is he?

Got so sick of crying, so just lately

When I catch myself I do a 180

 By then he was completely drenched. The water that ran from his head, trickled down your back and over your shoulders to meet back with his clasped arms. His humming, the warm water, and the slow constant movement of your bodies began to make you drift off again. Dom noticed this and chuckled against your skin.

“Love, I’ve got to get up,” he murmured, lips ghosting your neck. “Come on baby.”

Your boyfriend carefully slid away from your body with a kiss on your cheek.

Slowly but surely you straightened your back and stretched out your arms and shoulders, a satisfying ‘pop’ followed by multiple cracking sound echoed through the room.

The warm, therapeutic shower water trickled to a stop suddenly.

“Hey,” you whined.

Dom smirked at your behaviour and ran his fingers through your soaked hair to squeez the excess water out. “Come on love,” he cupped your cheek, “-’bout time to get out.” He held out a hand for you and helped you to stand so you wouldn’t slip when you accepted it.

He was already dried off and was wearing a pair of  wildly patterned sweatpants. A towel was held open between between the length of his outstretched arms. You felt like a child at bath time but didn’t argue with Dom. If he wanted to baby you, you’d let him for the time being. Your boyfriend tenderly wrapped your naked body in the clean smelling towel then proceed to carry you in his arms to the bedroom.

“I can walk you know.”

“Shhh love,” Dom kissed the tip of your nose then set you down on the bed.

A/N: 10 PTS to whoever can tell me what song he was singing without looking it up. Who wants a P2. Might just leave this as is but I kind of want to do a second part. I’ve got a few fics on the go but they’re for other fandoms so let me know so that I have an idea what to focus on now. 

A big thank you to @roseycal​ for saving my ass and helping me tear this apart and put it back together properly! You are my Queen! <3

Also tagging @interstellarrambles​ cause they asked me to lol

[colour-outside-the-liness]

Hi Colour! How are you doing today? I don't know about doing meaningful things with my life, feel like I've just been surviving this entire time lol. However I am trying to figure it out and working on building the life I want to live and hopefully I will be able contribute to this world in some way.

I don't think I've ever played a game of trivial pursuit. Have never been to a pub either, not like the ones you have in the UK anyway. Just been to very dirty bars where me and my friends used to drink as much as we could afford, shared questionable food that could potentially make us sick the next day and there were no quizzes or games really haha. So your exp sounds way more fun! 😂

I'm glad you're giving the song a chance! Only Spotify knows how many times I've listened to it lol. I reckon Hozier's going to be my artist of the year for 2021. I love attributing works of art to Dani x Jamie, have a whole ass Pinterest board full with images of paintings, poetry, music and anything that I think relates to them really (yeah I know, I have a problem).

I love everything you've said about how Dani, Viola and the lady in the lake are alike, I hadn't really thought about their similarities before, but everything you've said makes perfect sense. I always saw Viola as a narcissist, even her drive to protect her child felt selfish in a way, don't know if you know what I mean. And when she fades away and becomes the lady she's just pure (almost animalistic) instinct while on auto pilot, bc she only remembers rage and abandonment, she takes anything on her path aggressively unless they're a child. So what she sees in Dani is not processed logically, right? It's pure instinct and emotions, so what she recognizes in her when Dani invites her in is the desperate need to protect this child, so she sees her as deserving. Perhaps she also saw in Dani and opportunity to escape this nightmare. Despite all her faults she didn't deserve what happened to her either.

And don't get me wrong, Jamie is so, so strong and solid and she is my favorite mostly bc I identify with her personality more than Dani's. But we know Jamie is all that even before we learn her story, and I feel like it is expected that she'll be the strong and brave one bc she's had to be that her entire life albeit unwillingly. But Dani? We expect her to break at any given point, I mean she is reaching her limit after all that's happened, with all the weight she's carrying. I remember thinking "Jesus, this girl needs help" when I first watched the show hahaha. But she fights every damn time, she doesn't run away and that's why I find her so fascinating. That's why I thought this song was so fitting. Even if Dani would never see herself that way. But it's Jamie's perspective (and fire signs tend to exaggerate everything 😂) so it feels fitting that she thinks so highly of her baby haha. Ugh I just wanted them to stay together forever. 🥺

Omg yes! I love how you refined this idea, good thing you're a writer and I'm not hahaha. And yeah I'm absolutely here for sapphics with weapons like holy shit imagine Jamie fighting with a sword? 🤤 I'm weak. Hahaha would be cool to see them in a pirate AU too! Maybe someone's already done it? Idk. But aaaah I want to see them in every possible universe hahaha. Makes me want to get back into drawing too. 😩

Aww you two sound like you have a lovely bond going on. Your niece sounds like the coolest! I started out drawing anime too when I was a kid and ended up doing graphic design for a living! How did learning how to draw anime style go for you today?

Hey I'm doing great thank you I hope you are too? I know that feeling because I feel like that's how I have made it to 27 just surviving (barely) and taking things one day at a time to get me to this point and hopefully I can contribute in some way even it its just a small way... so I totally get that feeling but I am sure you contribute so much without you even realising it!! Oh it's great but depending on how competitive the people you're playing with are it can get pretty heated... I've been in some heated games of it before because people just refuse to believe I know the answers to some of the questions and they think I've been cheating and have all but demanded I have another question asked instead of the one I got right... and pub quizzes can be fun again depending on the team you're in and how seriously you wanna take it I have been in teams where its been a serious thing and we have all desperately wanted to win and then I've been in teams and we've just had fun with it... all the pubs I go in are dirty bars too but sometimes they have pub quizzes... I have had many nights where I have drank what I can afford... one night me on my roommate went over board though and we ended up spending ALL our money even our taxi fair and we had to walk home in the dark along country roads with hardly any lights to guide us... because of how drunk we were it too us around 3-4 hours and I fell over a road sign and ended up in a ditch... I've had a lot of fun experiences but some really stupid ones as well... your experiences sound great though!! I would love that!! I listened to the song and I loved it so much!! I don't even wanna know what my most listened to artist will be this year... my money is on it being the Six musical soundtrack... probably All You Wanna Do from that musical I'll be surprised if it's anything else. I would love for it to be someone like Hozier, but ever since I have done my Spotify wrapped thing it's always been a musical of some kind that's been my number 1 song / artist haha I love doing the same thing. If I can make something fit Dani x Jamie I will like it doesn't even matter what it is haha... I don't think you have a problem I think that sounds so cool!! I have nothing like that. I just have a head full of random ideas screaming to be let out I agree Viola is definitely selfish and narcissistic and everything she did came from a place of anger and rage over the things that happened to her she fell in love and got married and had a child and saw her sister try and take that from her while she was ill and in the end her sister killed her. Like yeah, I do feel sorry for Perdita with the way she was treated but I do think everything Viola did was out of frustration over what was happening to her. Like you said she acts on auto pilot and only knows rage until it comes to children- because all she knows is she is looking for a child so when she saw Dani so selfless sacrifice herself for a child she saw a little bit of herself in Dani she knows Dani is a good person and she can relate to that protective streak and I think she did see Dani as deserving I definitely agree with everything you've said here. Viola might have had faults and flaws and who doesn't? But I definitely think she had it rough and did deserve better than she was given. I agree, you can tell looking at Jamie that she is strong and brave while Dani comes off as the exact opposite. But I think you see fully how brave they both are when Dani sacrifices herself for Flora and when Jamie offers to keep Dani company and loves her despite knowing she won't be able to love her forever. I love Jamie but definitely relate to Dani's personality more, there are a lot of things Dani does that I see myself in her because I have done those types of things myself and the whole beast in the jungle speech resonates with me so much and every time I watch the last episode and hear that speech I am a crying mess from that point on. It's funny that you thought that about Dani when you first watched it, because me and my sisters got my mum to

watch it and she said the same thing about Dani "she needs help" but then once told me she liked Dani because she reminded her of me that was an interesting conversation to be a part of "Dani needs help... but I like her she's like you." I was like "Thanks?" I agree this song is definitely more how Jamie would see Dani, I think Dani just has a very blasé view of herself, like I don't think she's self conscious or self deprecating in anyway but I think she sort of walks around like "this is me and this is just how I am" where as Jamie just sees Dani for how brave and strong and amazing she is- maybe even if as a fire sign she exaggerates a little bit haha Jamie just thinks Dani is the most amazing person in the world and I just know that Dani saw her the same way!! I really wanted them to be together forever... I am never going to emotionally recover from Bly Manor. Your idea was incredible and I think it would be a great story to read honestly that's the type of thing I live for!! OMG Jamie with a sword is just 🤤 🥵 I am all for sapphics and weapons of any kind!! There's this pirate AU which is absolutely amazing!! I don't know if you've read it or not but iamalekza writes some really great fics!! https://archiveofourown.org/works/28631598/chapters/70179306 ^^ Pirate AU I really wish I could draw I would love to be able to draw scenes from fics I have read and even ones I have written but I just don't have the skill set for that!! I would love to see other fan arts though I think drawing is such an incredible talent to have and I am in awe of anyone that can do it!! Me and my niece have a great bond, she's like a little mini me (despite almost being as tall as me). She is honestly such a cool kid I have a hell of a lot of fun with her- I'm looking after her again tomorrow and I have no idea what we're gonna do but we will figure something out... she's such a good drawer she's only just started doing it at the beginning of the year and she's really progressed with it... I however have not so I am definitely gonna need more practice. That's so cool that you started out doing anime drawing and then ended up going into a career in graphic design. Again that's a talent that I am just in awe of because it's just something I have never been able to do!!

[s-mething-mbti]

Hiya! I just discovered your blog and was wondering if you could help try to type me (sorry this is pretty long)

1. I’m currently pretty torn between the intuitive introverts. I was able to narrow it down to INTJ, INFJ or INTP. I’m about 97.2% sure I use Ni. The only thing that’s giving me a bit of doubt is I find myself occasionally learning for the sake of learning which I’ve found is a traditionally Ne trait. Despite this I’m still pretty sure I use Ni as when I go down a rabbit hole and start learning for the sake of learning its always about a topic that interests me or is entertaining. I won’t waste my time learning about something I find mundane or drab. I resonate a lot with Ni’s “aha” moments where the correct answer simply pops into my head or a vision suddenly seems clear or a plot holes solution suddenly seems painstakingly obvious. I also resonate with starting out with a broader range of information/ possibilities and narrowing it down to one or two things. Another intuitive thing I highly relate to is living in the future. If almost never living in the present, and a constantly fixate on the future. I have a distinct, clear, and well thought out plan for the next 20 years (give or take).

Where I run into a bit of trouble is when I try to figure out which judging functions I predominantly use. It honestly feels like I use them all (though I know you’re only supposed to be able to use two well). For example I plan out everything, and set deadlines for myself. My desk often seems really messy to others especially when I’m doing art. This isn’t because I don’t value cleanliness, but because it simply makes more sense to keep all my art supplies out rather than having to spend at least fifteen minutes taking them out and then putting them away only to take them right back out the next day. I set goals based off of easily measurable, external things such as time, or grades. I make daily to do lists that outline everything I’ll need to do in the day, and some stuff to focus on if I have extra time. With my to do list I also plan out the approximate time each thing should take. When coming up with a scientific theory, I take others opinions/theories and test them against each other, and current scientific laws in order to formulate the most probable theory. External opinions (in a scientific/ logical manner) mean a lot to me (I don’t really care about how people that aren’t my friends think of me). To me these things seem very Te. But then I’m always smiling and am a fairly warm person. I want my friends to be happy, and I want to help others. I despise emotionally driven conflict(though I love debates), and while I’m not afraid to disrupt it if it threatens my morals/ is promoting something blatantly wrong (factually or morally) I do really harmony. These seem like pretty Fe things to me. As for Fi, I rarely share my negative emotions, preferring to deal with them predominantly alone. While I may not talk about them much I also have EXTREMELY strong morals. If something is crossing them I’m not going to simply ignore it for the sake of harmony. While I tend to be private I do try to be as authentic as possible. My morals are derived by information I’ve collected and decisions I’ve made myself, rather than being derived by ‘the groups’ collective morals if that makes sense. To me these things appear to be very Fi. As for Ti, sometimes I enjoy learning simply for the sake of learning. The knowledge may have no practical use to me but if I find it interesting or want to learn about it I can devote hours to it. I try and come to the most logical/accurate conclusion possible, and when I’m offering advice I may offer additional advice that takes different variables into account. The truth is really important to me as well.

2. Reading. I absolutely ADORE reading(specifically fantasy/sci-fi/dystopian books or research/scientific articles about topics that interest me). For reference there was a period of time when I had some free time and I was reading 2 or 3 books a day? Read maybe 50 books in the span of 20 days? But yeah I absolutely love reading. Just he way the book sucks you in and deposits you and a completely new world full of wonder and disaster and ugh it’s just magnificent. And don’t even get me started on impeccable character development and eeee. The way rereading a book feels like you’re reconnecting with an old best friend or going back to your childhood home and *sobs*. I also LOVE trying to predict plot twists and character deaths. Most of the time I can predict things correctly and idk it’s really fun to just try and figure out what’s going to happen before the big reveal. And the rush of satisfaction you get when you’ve guessed something right- it also helps me brace for character deaths (sorta. For example I knew *the* death in the final empire [by Brandon Sanderson] was coming since nearly the very beginning [I had my suspicions since the moment vin was introduced] but I still sobbed when the character died. [a tad off topic but what caused me to cry wasn’t the death itself but another characters reaction to it. This is often the case I find. A death of a character I love leaves me feeling empty but what typically gets me to cry is the others reactions- for thus reason funerals usually make me cry. I should also add that I only cry when I’m alone. I’ve cried around people (that aren’t my parents) a grand total of 1 time.]

Uh and daydreaming. I’m almost always daydreaming. Ie. if my brain was a search engine or whatever one tab would be reality and I would consecutively have at lest 20 other tabs open. Some of then playing videos (daydreams) others supplying music(if I’m not actively listening to real music my brain cycles through songs I have memorized. Occasionally does this with book scenes too if I’m bored [yes, I memorize some of my favourite scenes, word for word, so I can play them like a movie in my head when I, bored) others containing random info (just me thinking random stuff) etc.

3. I guess how to solve some problems? Wether it’s a math or science problem, or an argument between friends, figuring out how to solve things has always been something I’m decently good at. Math and science just. Make sense. And then with issues between people I’m good at looking at different perspectives (even ones that I don’t agree with) and playing out different scenarios/ possible outcomes of different approaches. This lets me come up with a solution that will successfully solve the problem with the least amount of negative ramifications involved

4. Hmm maybe being present? I honestly feel like life is passing me by and I’m just immobilized on the sidelines. Im so far into the future that I kinda forget to actually *live* every once in a while.

5. Honesty? Truth? Morals? These topics are all really interesting as they can be kinda subjective. The line between honesty and cruelty is so small. What is truth? Cause while yes, we have some set truths (such as the earth is orbiting the sun) so many ‘truths’ are simply subjective and completely depend on ones perspective. And morals my goodness. The stormlight archive is a really fun series that plays around with things like what is justice? And honour? I won’t get into it now but it brings up so many really interesting questions regarding morals.

6. Perspective . I think perspective is such a fascinating thing. Just. Different opinions. Seeing the world through completely different lenses. Interpreting the same thing in utterly different ways. When toying around with an idea I find it really fun to try and imagine opposing perspectives. While I can find different perspectives really interesting, they can also well... get on my nerves to say the least. Sometimes someone perspective is just? So blatantly wrong? And has absolutely no factual evidence backing it up? And part of me wants to just just scream and it would be so much easier if everyone just. Assessed the facts in front of them instead of making wild accusations or whatever without anything to support them. But yeah overall I think perspectives are really cool and they’re part of what helps to make the world diverse and life so much less interesting without different perspectives.

The future. I’ve found a bunch of my friends find thinking about the future stressful but if I’m being honest I find solace in thinking about the future. Having things planned out and knowing what I intend to do/ where I want to go takes off so much stress. I lowkey live in the future and I honestly cannot wait till it comes, and I achieve my goals. While I might be a bit scared the future excites me so much more than it’ll ever scare me.

7. Maybe add some more stuff about the judging functions and feelings and thinking etc . I absolutely adore science and math. I literally do math for fun. I’m currently aiming to get my PhD in astrophysics.

Not sure if this is relevant at all but my biggest (harmless) pet peeves are my grandmother’s door stopper (it always gets stuck in the door and then u can’t get it out and the door won’t close properly- I have an unhealthy amount of hatred for that thing AHAHJSEJKSMDJDJDJJ) and when people say some variant of “you did good”. Like nO NO YOU DID NOT DO gOoD. YOU DID W E L L (Anyways theres my little mini rant).

I’m my friend groups therapist (sorta). While I’m really not good with words and recycle the same three responses I always let everyone know that I’m here for them and they can talk to me without judgement etc. While I really don’t know what to say or do I try my best because I care about my friends and want to help them. I love them and so I want them to be able to be happy. Im always smiling (though this is more so because people don’t ask me how I’m doing when I look happy than because I’m genuinely happy. Most of the time I’m he farthest thing from that). I’m a pretty warm person who’s always happy to help, however I’m very introverted. I haven’t had a single conversation with the majority of people in my class (I’ve had a convo with maybe 5. Talk to 2 regularly. There are 26 people in my class). I never express negative emotions (with the exception of stress- I panic intensely in the 5 minutes immediately before taking a test as this helps me to completely turn off my nerves while I’m writing the exam. I may also make a joke or two about my negative emotions with close friends). I should also add that when making decisions I value logic more and think thinks through thoroughly, examining the pros and cons etc. While I take feelings and emotions into consideration when making decisions they’re more like an additional variable to consider rather than the main driving force that determines my decision. If I’m feeling really emotional and I need to make a decision I will postpone deciding until I feel more levelheaded. I’m really not impulsive in the slightest.

Thank you so much!!

INTJ

Living in the future rather than the present and your comfort in that sapce, your ability for and enjoyment of making predictions, your ability to really understand and try on different perspectives you don’t necessarily agree with, your focus on “ramifications” (aka future implications) while problem solving - this all points to high Ni.

You also show a Te preference - goals based on external metrics, to-do lists for daily tasks, logic based on the outer world (external opinion). When you said “While I take feelings and emotions into consideration when making decisions they’re more like an additional variable to consider rather than the main driving force that determines my decision” - that is a clear cut definition of Te over Fe preference.

Your tertiary Fi shows through here as well - willing to disrupt harmony if it upsets your morals, your morals being personally derived, needing to understand your emotions while alone. And lastly, your statement about “forgetting to live” from being in the future is pretty textbook inferior Se. 

[unsettledink]

(Part two of looking back at the fandoms I was in and the fics I wrote in 2020)

(Part one here.)

*

Most popular story:

    By Kudos (and comments), Seiche : By hits, Indefensible : On tumblr, Pocket Change

Story you wish was more successful:

    Well, that’s kind of the curse of writing rare pairs. I want anything with Tony/Quentin or Peter/Quentin to be more successful, lol. Defining the feeling of success in fandoms/pairings like that is tricky, because— do I wish they’d gotten more attention? Of course! Do I consider them fairly successful because they got any attention? Yeah, kinda.

Something like Intent got very little response, but considering the size and age of the fandom, it actually felt successful to get any response?

The entire Old Adages series I really wish had found an audience; I’m very fond of it, and it’s… softer than I usually write? The filthy smutty kinky stuff always outpreforms anything else, and that sort of thing feels easy for me. And I’m extrapolating a lot for young Quentin’s characterization, so I’m a little insecure about that as well.

Most "Holy crap, that's wrong, even for you" story:

    You know, there are several stories I feel like should be that? But let’s be honest, considering what I’ve written in the past, they’re not that bad. 

    So I’m going to have to go with Creepy Crawly. I mean, I get squicked a little if I read it in the wrong mindset. SPIDERS D:

Hardest story to write:

    Causality. I just… could not quite connect somehow. I had the image in my head fine, but when I went to write it I felt pretty meh. I think I hadn’t done much (any?)Peter POV at that point, so that was a stretch. And I think I’d been spending so much time in the world of Gotcha that any other version of Peter/Quentin felt strange. I got it done, I have a sequel planned, but it was a struggle.

    No Lies was also tricky. I picked the prompt ‘make-up’ because I had this crystal clear mental image of someone kneeling, crying, makeup smeared all over them. But I didn’t know WHO. I tried so many pairings and characters, and even when I figured out that I really wanted that to be Tony… who with? Could I actually make Peter behaving that way believable?? Once I got it sorted out the writing was easy, but getting there - gah.

Easiest story to write:

    Indefensible was bizarre to write, because it literally just arrived in my brain in one giant chunk, complete, and I just had to transcribe it over a day or two. Very odd. 

    Pocket Change was much the same. The idea appeared and that first image of Tony holding the bill was just… there. The rest of it fell into place so easily as I went along.

Most fun story to write:

    Just a Bite was a lot of fun to write. It’s a topic I enjoy anyway, and I like trying to focus in on one element like that. Peter discovering a new thing he liiiiikes is always a ton of fun.

    11:59 was also surprisingly fun? Like— three characters that have interesting dialogue patterns, a slightly darker Tony, being able to indulge in nasty Quentin without him being quite a villain, the constant shifting of emotions for everyone in the room. Just so much going on in small ways. There are totally at least three more fics set in that universe. 

What’s your personal favorite thing you wrote this year?

    Tough call, but probably A Perfect Fit. Really, the entire insane little universe that’s expanding into. Definitely not something I would have expected at ALL back in January. 

What’s your least favorite thing you wrote this year?

    Maybe Can’t, Wont? Idk. I didn’t have a strong enough idea for the prompt to really make something of it, I guess. And writing Peter/Quentin is kind of difficult at the moment. It feels weird because I’ve spent so much time in the world of Gotcha that other takes on the characters are odd.

If you could go back and change something about one of the fics you wrote this year, what would it be?

    Probably Want What I Want. I knew what I wanted and I just couldn’t quite make it function. So I went with a slantwise version of it - which isn’t bad, but doesn’t have the focus I wanted it to. It felt like more of a twist on the prompt than I wanted. I’d like to go back and expand it out, dig into the specifics of the prompt a little more.

    And tbh, I got a comment on that very point. I’m normally really good about letting go of comments? But it was something I’d questioned myself, so it stuck more.

Story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters:

    (Just) Waiting Around? Maybe? As much as I love top/experienced!Peter, I had to sit down and figure out how I might be able to actually get him there, convince the reader that this was a Peter that current Peter could become. 

    And any of the Tony/Quentin fics. There’s not a lot given for Quentin in canon; taking those little bits and trying to follow them back to these younger version of Quentin was really interesting and difficult. How do I make this character the softer, more open, more vulnerable, less confident version of himself from 10/15 years ago, and still keep those sharper edges that will grow and take over? How do I make the reader believe both that this version could have existed and that version could actually become the canon one? 

Story that was most different from what you usually write:

    I mean, Relief? I’ve never written het before (and probably never will again, lol), but I wasn’t going to let the chance to write redwings pass me by. 

    In general, all the freaking ABO. Which I’d never written before this fandom, though I’ve read tons of it. Not something I really expected to write? And then suddenly I’m not just writing it, I can’t seem to stop. 

    Sustain felt pretty different, and it took me a moment to figure out why (don’t laugh at me!). I’ve never written straight up non-sexual kink before. Not just a kink scene that doesn’t have sex, but a kink scene that doesn’t even have the intention or desire for sex. Completely removing that additional layer of tension and complications is fascinating. I’m really interested in expanding that verse.

Most unintentionally telling story:

    Oh, other than Gotcha, lol? Um. I don’t know if any really are? Maybe Backhand, or Sustain. Hmm, maybe Getting Started, though it’s not finished. 

    Now I wonder what conclusions those have people drawing.

What’s your favorite piece of description or narration?

    Oh my god, what an impossible question. Uh. This is difficult because I… think of images in words? I feel very odd about the bits I picked, Idk. 

    It’s so small, and I don’t know if I captured it as well as it is in my head, but I come back to it so often:

Stark sits on the bed, and then seems to get lost, or distracted, not moving again until Phil pushes him gently towards the middle of the bed. He gets Stark curled up on his side, just a sliver of his back touching the sheets.

There's a chair against the wall that doesn't look too modern, so hopefully more comfortable than most of the monstrosities around here; Phil has a feeling he's going to be here a while, watching Stark come back up. He stands, about to walk away when there's a soft touch on his hand. He looks down.

Stark's arm is stretched out, his fingers just barely resting on the back of Phil's hand. He's looking up at Phil out of the corner of his eyes, head just barely turned towards him. It's a clear a request as anything spoken; stay.

"I'm not leaving," Phil tells him. "I'm not even leaving the room. I was just going to get a chair.'

There's a breath, a hesitation, Stark's hand not leaving his, and then it's gone, Stark dragging it back in, turning his face into the pillow. That was the wrong response, something about it was just... wrong.

"Stark," Phil says, leaning onto the bed. "Do you want me to stay here? On the bed? I wasn't sure you'd be comfortable with that." After all, this doesn't seem to be at all sexual for him.

Stark doesn't say anything—Phil's not entirely sure if he's nonverbal or not—but he turns his face back towards Phil a little. Doesn't quite look at him, and doesn't make a move; he's not going to ask again, not after what he obviously took as a rejection. His reactions are odd, not much like Phil had expected. 

    - Sustain

Or:

Beck gets Peter turned around, still kneeling but settled back against Beck's legs, leaning into it. "Toss me his shirt," he says, and Tony throws it at his face, Beck managing to catch it before it connects. Laughs, like this is fucking funny. He slips his hand into Peter's hair and tugs his head back a bit, wiping the come off his face.

"Take five, baby," Beck says, and Peter hums, resting his head on Beck's thigh and staring at Tony. Beck's petting him, hand sliding slowly though Peter's hair, and it's a fucking nightmare that Beck knows what that feels like and Tony doesn't. "You see?" Beck says. "He likes it a little rough. A lot rough, sometimes, so don't worry about hurting him. Don't worry when he cries," and Tony glares at him.

Beck's looking down at Peter, though, and then Tony is too. He's turning red again as Beck talks, but he's not denying anything, and not looking away from Tony.

Beck's hand trails down Peter's neck, hooks around the front and pulls him back; Peter's head tips back, exposing the whole of his throat to Beck's hand. "He's a little embarrassed by it," Beck says, "but he's an awfully sweet submissive too. Aren't you, honey?"

Peter looks up at him, his expression soft, open. "Yes, sir," he says, and Jesus Christ, Tony had no idea how much he wants Peter to say that to him. Peter likes it too, not just giving it lip service judging by the way his cock is getting hard again. Beck smiles.

"I'm going to miss you," he says. "You've been a lot of fun, baby." He looks up, catching Tony's eye, a smirk growing slowly on his face. "Guess I'd better make sure the last time makes up for it."

     - 11:59

What’s your favorite piece of dialogue you wrote this year?

I mean, I’m very fond of Hang Up, it’s like 85% dialogue.

Alternatively:

"Looks like you're finally ready to be fucked," Tony says. "Bets on if you'll come on my cock, or if I'll have to give you a reach around with this?" settling the gauntlet on Quentin's hip.

"No," Quentin says, shaking his head as much as he can manage, "no, no, Tony—"

Tony leans in, thighs pushing Quentin's legs apart, the head of his cock bumping up against Quentin's ass. "If you manage it just once without my hand," he whispers, ducking his head and rubbing his beard over Quentin's shoulder, "I'll fund every last thing you ask for."

"No," Quentin moans, because he can't.

"Don't worry, sweetheart," Tony says. "I'll make sure you can."

    - Make Sure

Story with the single sexiest moment:

    AHHHHHHHHH fuck this is the hardest one. 

    Secondhand and Gift Wrapped both have some of the hottest moments, I think:

    Peter's so hard he can barely think, absolutely can't control the way his dick jumps in Quentin's hand. He doesn't want to hear about this, doesn't want to imagine Tony with Quentin at all. Doesn't want Quentin to stop.

Quentin kicks off his pants and then he's crawling up over Peter, staring down at him with that manic glint in his eyes that Peter knows well enough by now to worry about. "He fucked my face like that," Quentin says, watching him. "Kept babbling that shit and fucked my throat nearly raw. Can't you hear it, honey?" and Peter can, he can.

"Can't you imagine it?" Quentin asks, and Peter can.

    - Secondhand

And:

    Peter wants— he curls his fingers in Tony's hair and yanks, Tony's head hanging loosely from his hands. He looks wrecked, sweaty and his whole face is dark, his lips wet and red and puffy, all from Peter's cock. When he opens his eyes, it's like he's not even seeing Peter, completely lost in his own little world; he's stiffening slowly, his spine rounding and he tries to brace himself, his eyes going wider and his breath getting shorter and— and is he about to come, Peter wonders. Is he really going to come just like this, from being fucked like this?

He is, he totally fucking is because a moment later Tony stops breathing entirely, his head jerking hard against Peter's hold, his whole body jerking as he comes. He gasps, eyelashes fluttering, and Peter can feel Tony's come landing on his legs, holy shit.

Pepper eases her thrusts, sinking into Tony and just rocking against him while he comes. Waits until he's gone limp, sunk down even more between her hands and Peter's; "Peter," she says. "Get a good grip on him for me. He gets all wiggly afterwards and I'm not done."

    - Gift Wrapped

    But if it comes down to what is probably my favorite - 

    Peter had already been pretty out of it when Tony came back, already wound up and just existing, no thoughts and no worries, nothing but want and feeling and response. He’d already been awfully close to flying, and this— this drops him over the edge, completely. 

Some part of his head is aware of the way he’s thrusting up into Tony’s mouth, Tony taking it happily, drooling around him; is aware that Peter’s tossing his head back and forth, fighting against Rhodey’s tight grip on his hair, only making it worse with every yank. Is even a little aware that the others must be watching him, watching them, watching just like Rhodey’s looking down at him, Tony looking up, their gaze so heavy on Peter he can feel it, just like he can feel everything, every touch and every texture and every single spot his body is in contact with anything. Can feel everything, too much, overwhelming, amazing, and he doesn’t know if it’s that, or the pain of Rhodey’s grasp, or the wave crashing down on him as he comes that have him crying. Maybe it’s all of them, or maybe it’s just that he’s wanted like this, kept and held and wanted. 

Rhodey kisses him, gently, and Tony crawls up over him; kisses Rhodey and kisses Peter and Peter could stay just like this forever. He can see Tony’s mouth moving, talking to him, then Rhodey, then him again, but his head is full of nothing but static, white noise.

    - Flaunt

    (So, uh, what does it say that all of those are threesomes?)

*

Stories I haven't yet written, but intend to:

    SO MANY. Beyond the fics I’ve got going for other people and Gotcha, and the (hopefully) one off continuations of kinktober fics, I really want to focus on - 

    The rest of Deep End (I know it all exactly!)

    The sad AI Peter/Tony, real!Peter/Tony

    Branches of Aegis

    ONE of my longer ABO pieces. 

    Fluffuary & Kinktober, again. 

Fingers crossed. I don’t even want to think about how many more ideas will come creeping in.

[minkdenmilo]

💙 Autism Trait Listing Time 💙

I am self-diagnosed as of now but I'm in the process of trying to get tested and my diagnosed friend said that a lot of what I told her lines up so it's likely I am autistic.

+ Constant Fidgeting: Bouncing of my leg, Tapping of my fingers - If I stop I am physically uncomfortable and tend to shake my ankle/foot or shake my wrist/hand

+ Sensory Oveload at Noise: Usually it's not the loudness of noise for me, but the overlapping of noises. Hearing a television play a show + someone talking + someone somewhere else talking etc. makes me get a headache and I sometimes feel like crying because I can't focus or really hear myself think.

+ Sensitivity to Sudden/Loud Noises: I flinch and startle at loud noises frequently- to the point in which it is noticeable by friends. If the bell goes off when I don't expect it to or the fire alarm I nearly fall out of my chair. If my dad raises his voice or if anyone gets upset and raises there voice I instantly assume they're yelling and tense up- even if they're just raising their voice a little.

+ Tactical/Texture Sensitivity: I detest certain textures and actively avoid them like cotton balls (which feel like how nails on a chalkboard sound), fennel/rosemary, any texture in drinks, nuts in bread, etc. in which my family has noticed and teased me over. Where as other textures I adore and constantly seek out like tree bark or soft fur like textures.

+ Stimming(?): I constantly pick at my skin and when I try to stop I can briefly before I go back to doing it without thinking because it's relaxing. I constantly play with the joysticks on my Nintendo Switch to help compensate and give my hands something to do. I use a fidget spinner sometimes as well to help relax and when I get anxious I use it more often cause the noise it makes and the action of spinning it is helpful. I also do the ASL (sign language) alphabet without thinking to myself just cause it's relaxing and when told to stop I get a bit anxious. I tap my fingers together repetitively a lot and my friends have noted this and have mentioned I tend to do it more when I'm stressed or bored.

+ Hyperfixation: I have the habit of finding something I like and then focusing on it violently. When I was a kid I would watch the same three movies (Newsies, Highschool Musical, and Hairspray) on repeat until I memorized the lines. I went through a phase where everyday I watched Total Drama for like half a year- I still remember the events of each episode. If I watch a video on a video game I have to look up the Wikipedia entry on it, read everything in the fan wiki, and watch video after video deconstructing the game until I'm satisfied. I'll listen to the same song for hours at a time for a week or more and then ramble about it to my friends. My habit of infodumping everything I know about a subject bothers my families and friends. I'll ramble for an hour about an idea I have for a play to a friend before realizing I haven't shut up cause I know most people don't care about minute things like I tend to.

+ Being a Kid: As a kid I was definetely the odd one out. I would hug everyone regardless of who they were, how close we were, or if they were receptive. I just had to hug people- I would get upset if I couldn't hug people. To this day I have stuffed animals I hug because I get anxious without the physical sensation of hugging after too long. I never seemed to be on quite the same wavelength and would stare people down just randomly, even I didn't really understand why I'd do it but I would just lock eyes with someone and not stop until they told me to. People would openly mock me and it would go over my head because I genuinely thought they were my friends and were being nice (I would get called werewolf due to my messy hair and sharp teeth and I would just smile and say I preferred being a vampire). I wore the same velcro shoes everyday until they wore out and demanded my mom buy the exact same pair. I'd cry whenever someone hurt my feelings even once I turned 10 and 11. I accidentally hurt my friends by punching them or pinching them cause I didn't realize how much I was hurting them until I drew blood or they demanded I stop.

+ Routine: I hate being late. I hate being on time. I have to be 10 minutes early to everything. If I have to be somewhere at 9 and its a 30 minute drive then I have to leave the house at 8 or 8:10. If it hits 8:11 and we aren't on the road I lose it. I cry and panic and I shake like a leaf until my dad starts the car. In elementary if we were even a second late I'd sob uncontrollably and panic. Now I still cry and shake but it's not as bad. I am an avid rule follower even when I know I'm being silly. My friends and I went to an abandoned building and I was anxious that we'd be arrested despite knowing people did it all the time and it was fine. I had to stay at school after hours for a project and I wouldnt stop worrying we'd get caught and expelled even though our teacher said we could. When I was like 8 or 9 I read about how not turning off your heater started fires so every day before I left for school I'd check to make sure the heater and oven were turned off three times each. Even if we'd never turned them on in the first place. I haven't been able to focus in online school without the structure of being physically in school no matter how hard I try. When my dad takes the family places last minute I feel unbearably anxious and out of it, even when I am aware I am overreacting. I have noticed executive disfunction issues in the past and when presented with multiple things I need to do I get overwhelmed and panic and do nothing instead. I hate clutter and in the desire to clean one item I end up deep cleaning everything just because I start one chore then think of another in the process and it spirals from there.

+ Misc: I have always been the sensitive emotional child. My mom frequently teases that I never get her sarcasm. I can't decipher how people feel unless I can hear their voice and see their face which makes texting and to a lesser extent voice calling anxious and weird for me. I actively avoid eye contact with people I don't know well and avoid conversation on elevators or in public spaces. I adore watching slime videos and stim boards are wonderful now that I've discovered them. Math isn't my strong suit because the numbers don't make sense to me- I can't decipher even simple algebra equations but I've always been great at reading and I pride myself on my vocabulary and way with words. Despite this I can't give speeches or explain things to save my life even if I know exactly what I mean and want to say I just cannot verbalize it properly so I have to write down exactly what I want to say before I say it. Even then I ramble too long and my dad frequently notes I can never "get to the point and trim out the unnecessary details" but like- I can't tell which details are necessary or not. I can never be presented a broad piece of information and understand it, I need every minute detail first otherwise I cannot understand the bigger concept and thus when I speak I provide every detail to make my point crystal clear. I also feel uncomfortable around authority figures and adults- way more than seems normal- and avoid eye contact and tend to be especially anxious and respectful because adults and authority figures just scare me.

These are all just like the immediate things that jump into mind + context around them. Idk if these could actually point to me being autistic but if anyone has any advice or help then please let me know. I'm kinda worried I'm being a hypochondriac but that might just be because my dad doesn't believe in autism so I'm internalizing that.

I've had close friends say some of my symptoms seem like anxiety or OCD but the texture based stuff and the fact that I have purposefully tried to stop stimming and fidgeting and have tried to repress my natural behaviors due to being seen as like weird and "off" makes me think maybe it might be autism and I just didn't realize because I assumed everyone dealt with similar things and I just was bad at handling it.