#idk that’s one of my underlying fears that I think about a lot

[fishing-lesbian-catgirl]

I’m thinking about that post I reblogged yesterday about how trans women are often expected to take on traditionally “male” roles and behaviors in courtship with cis women. How we’re expected to do things like message first, open doors, and of course, top, and how often the alternatives to doing this is not having a relationship in the first place. The thing that really got to me today was the realization that it’s entirely possible to end up in a relationship with a cis woman who really does love you, but still expects you to be the one to propose. Maybe I’m just having a weird mood or something, but the idea of going through all this transitioning and everything and in the end still not being the one being proposed to makes me want to cry

[tiredsunrisesmeta]

After finishing Dark Heir, I kinda don't vibe with or understand the Sarcean Did Nothing Wrong theories. I think it's mostly a joke, but I genuinely do think Sarcean doing a lot wrong is what makes him so interesting and what makes the central tension of Will's story so compelling. If Sarcean did nothing wrong, then there isn't that central tension within Will of whether he'll use his powers for good or evil. Will has immense power and he WANTS to do good with it so badly. But everyone in his life, everyone he has ever loved, keeps telling him he can't be good! Even though he wants to use his powers to do good, to protect innocents and to protect his loved ones, everyone still thinks he can't be trusted with his powers because they're convinced he's already evil. So there's that underlying threat that Will might eventually just give in to that belief of others and use his immense power for evil, just like everyone always believed he would! If Sarcean never used his power for evil, never abused his power, if he was always the hero that did nothing wrong, then that central tension dissappears. And I personally think that would make Will's story less compelling.

Also, I love villains and a part of me really doesn't want Sarcean to have been the good guy all along. I feel that would make him boring idk. I don't think Sarcean was the only villain, but I think it's more interesting that Sarcean was used and unfairly punished by the Sun King and by the "Light" side. And essentially, they made their own monster. I like the idea of Sarcean so hurt by people constantly betraying him or leaving him that he becomes obsessed with control! Idk I feel like making him the good guy all along and everyone else the villains (Sun King or the Lady) kinda defangs Sarcean. I think what will make the third book so exciting will be the central question; can Will succeed where Sarcean failed?

Edit: Reading this back and I think I was being too simplistic here. I don’t want to dismiss people's complex theories by over simplifying everything. I think my main point was that I don't want Will to be 100% wrong about Sarcean. I don't want James's past fear of the collar & being controlled by the Dark King to have been 100% wrong either. I want there to have been something about their past selves that they genuinely don't want to emulate or become. So that's why, for me, it's imperative for the narrative tension of the entire story that Sarcean did truly reprehensible things. But that doesn't mean I don't think other characters like the Sun King and the Lady also haven't done their share of reprehensible things. The story is complicated, it's not black and white so I shouldn't have oversimplified my arguments in my post.

And as far as Sarcean and Anharion, my deep love of queer villains is due to how they can explore how queer people can be so full of love but still hurt others, largely because of the (allegoric) trauma they face in a homophobic world. I gravitate towards ships where the characters undeniably love each other but also hurt each other deeply. The concept of someone who is lashing out and hurting others, but is still worthy and capable of love is my bread and butter tbh 😅. That's just my preference.

[thesweetestdevotion]

Can you please do how would Enhypen Niki be as a boyfriend? Thanks 💕

How Would Niki Enhypen be as a boyfriend?

disclaimer: idk anything about this idol or his band, so i'm just reading what i see in the cards! also remember tarot readings are for ent. purposes only!

Dice: Leo, Jupiter, 9th house

Tarot: Temperance, The Lovers Reversed, Six of Swords, Two of Swords, Eight of Coins, Queen of Swords Reversed, The Chariot, Two of Cups reversed

Okay so i dont know if hes living in a place where he is a foreigner, but i feel this energy very strongly, as the dice indicate movement abroad for stardom (Leo rules over celebrities). with jupiter there im seeing he found success and abundance away from home, he could also be jupiterian in his birth chart. How this relates to the question is i feel like right now hes mostly focused on fiding his success and working very hard, almost back-breakingly hard. Due to this he might not be the best typical "boyfriend" type. I also think there is some mistrust or fear of women, especially older women? maybe of rejection? is what im getting. I cant assume his sexuality but i think this general mistrust/fear of women also affects his overall vibe in relationships. He seems young (idk his age) so there might be a lack of real relationship experience, maybe some youthful dalliances here or there. I get little brother energy here idk, just feels like a very young adult (hopefully he is one). I just dont see him really being the type to settle down at this moment. He seems to just want quick connections or none at all. He is very well balanced however, i did say he feels youthful but there is a strong underlying responsibility that he shoulders, probably over his kpop career obviously lol. Overall, hes not a bad person, actually seems like a very serious dedicated person behind cameras, but he seems like he sacrificed a lot to get to where he is so all his energy is pointed towards his career. Like i said he seems young, so this energy is bound to change as he gets older. My advice to him (as if hed ever see it loll) would be to keep chasing that bag!! also not everyone is as relationship oriented as others are, so maybe that just wont be his thing at all in this life! hes figuring himself out like any other person here on earth hehe. Hope this sufficiently answered your question xxx.

(also guys im old okay the newest kpop group ive listened to is new jeans and idek their names, pls bear with me lolll)

(ok i looked it up and hes eighteen! phew! makes sense!)

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SAEjwwo9S1g

So I know everyone knows this interview off by heart and it’s been spoken about A MILLION TIMES but I would just love love to hear you ramble about from 10:20 onwards bc omg it’s just so sweet and your thoughts on things are always perfection :’) like Miles seems like he’s keeping an eye on Alex for the whole interview and playing off his humour but the fond/amused/exasperated ‘please do’ that he says when Alex goes ‘just to add to that’, and how he sort of glances at Martin in an ‘ah where is this going’ sort of way is just gorgeous xD and the way he squeezes his eyes shut, just waiting to feed off whatever Alex says but wondering what on earth is about to come out of his mouth is just so tender and pure 😭😂 like miles you sweetheart xD

omg i will take ANY opportunity to ramble about this absolute gem of an interview (and about them generally, as we know lol)

anyway yeah, this whole interview truly is peak milex derangement - and this little section in particular??? ughhh it just feels like such an intimate insight into their humour and the way they mess around together. like you can tell they're a bit bored with the interview, and it makes me wonder if this is what they get like when they're bored and restless on bus journeys, waiting for soundcheck etc - if they descend into the same affectionate, humorous madness that no one else quite knows how to deal with. it feels like such a window into their everyday lives and way of interacting, and ugh i just love it, how easy it is to imagine them talking in silly voices and being totally wrapped up in each other in all these other scenarios 🥺

one of absolute my favourite things about this clip is how you can just tell how UTTERLY in tune they are with each other - even when they're not really that engaged with the situation they're in. the way they know each other's subtlest inflections of expression and twist of phrase without even thinking about it. it's all so totally instinctive, and i actually think their interchanges like these, when we get a glimpse into their unique alex-and-miles humour, are at least as intimate as a lot of their more *ahem* explicitly intimate moments onstage. because they just show the way they completely and utterly get each other, how they've built up this whole way of interacting that's just them. miles and alex and no one else.

and you're totally right, you can FEEL the fond exasperation radiating from miles, and also like - idk, just this quiet delight he's clearly taking in alex's presence? it's something you see with both of them a LOT, this sense that they just love being around each other and (even in situations like this where they’re not really into what’s happening around them) there’s nowhere else they really want to be. idk how to explain it, it just feels like there’s just this underlying sense of completion and contentedness when they’re with each other - probably because they’re able to truly be their whole selves when they’re together 🥺

UGHHHHH they make me so emotional 😩

also all the suggestiveness of the “little finger” bits and the way you can SEE miles trying not to get the giggles??? absolute gold 😭

oh dear, i fear this has been ended up being a much longer ramble than i intended, i hope at least some of it made sense 😅 thank you so much for your lovely words and for giving me the opportunity to flail about our two favourite smitten idiots, i love asks like these 🥰🥰

PS i’m so sorry it took me so ridiculously long to answer this - i actually thought i’d posted it weeks ago, but just came across it when i was sorting through my drafts this afternoon 🤦🏻‍♀️

[remusawoooo]

anon here, excited to read the essay! i asked you because i really like your takes and i see people in the more canon-adjacent parts of the marauders fanbase to complain about the extremes of the fanon one, though personally ive never really seen anything Too extreme, tho thats probably just tantamount to how well i curate my spaces i suppose (ive seen people say that fanon makes remus really “alpha” or makes sirius “bimbofied” and while ive seen hints of those extremes here and there, mostly it looks like it varies from person to person. ive just seen remus be more assertive than he probably is in canon, or sirius being more dramatic and “fem” than he probably is in canon). from what i know people like exaggerating events (the prank, etc.) or shifting some personality traits, but i dont really think thats a bad thing - i personally enjoy it. as long as they dont completely turn characters into stereotypes (though its a pitfall of every fandom, i fear), then whatever its just camp.

people are allowed to criticize stuff like that though, not taking that away from anyone, i personally just dont really care enough to be totally accurate esp since this hyperfix is kind of the bottom of the barrel for me LMAO. but i ask mostly bc im just curious to see what other peoples opinions are, and bc i think - especially in a fanbase like this - that its incredibly important to be at least a little critical with your media experience and reflect on it. saying “oh fuck canon we’re just having fun” is fine and all, i dont think anyone is stopping you, i think the personalities people have made up for characters that have zero screen time are super fun and the little ships are not everyones tea but like its fine. but even still, people should be way more aware of what characters theyre dealing with and from what franchise, and like reflect on any biases you may have. if youre making shit up for a random DE character, or retconning some sutff, okay, whatever, but be sure to not defend or like suddenly turn to really weird rhetoric. idk i think its the bare minimum in a fanbase like this

i definitely rambled way too much here, super sorry op! i hope this doesnt bother you, feel free to reply or feel free to not. i just really like hearing peoples thoughts on things, and i like your takes and your blog so i hope i didnt catch you by surprise. i really am just an outsider trying to look in LOL

hello anon, I'm sorry I lost your ask. I was writing on my laptop and saved the draft (but apparently had to press on alt, and didn't do it) so I basically lost your question and half of my initial response. Ty for sending in another ask!! Not a bother at all, i find this very lovely :D 

I was mortified to find that someone who isn't really a part of the fandom was perceiving me while I was complaining about fictional characters ahahaha. still, thank you for validating me and asking my thoughts on the mischaracterization of marauders!! I do talk about it daily, unfortunately, and without any prompt too. I'll try to gather all my thoughts here. I don't necessarily come across fanon as much as I did when I reentered the fandom and honestly, I can not be more with you about curating your space !! at the end of the day, I am just here to have fun, and really, pointing out these issues is not a good time at all! But I do post a lot about these, I can't be bothered to bottle up any thoughts lol.

I think the major issue I have with current interpretations is the underlying bigotry that comes along with it. There is a lot of unchecked problematic content that doesn't sit right with me.

Flanderizing characters in fandom interpretations is not limited to marauders fandom obviously. any popular media will face this because so many of us want to interact with one character so their traits are simplified for easier consumption and to find a common ground. this is also not limited to new marauders fandom. even in the older era, leather jacket-wearing, motorbike-driving quintessential bad boy siruis was a thing. so I won't nitpick on silly simplifications.

I just want to say that this isn't about me wanting everyone to have the same interpretations as I do about the canon. I follow so many lovely people and I don't agree with all of their posts. But, we all just simply share the love for these characters in the text and form an imaginary community. So, if we were to remove all the issues I will mention, it is still very well possible to have different personal takes.

Here are some of my issues:

Queerness, Gender roles, and misogyny:

My biggest problem is the representations of queer relationships. the fandom packages these couples in a strange and obvious heteronormative mold where the individuals fit into male and female gender roles. mlm and wlw are now an “f/m”* stereotype and characterization gets affected by the ships. Heterosexual relationships shouldn't have these limitations either, anyway. There is no one way to be a woman or a man. With queer relationships in particular, we have reclaimed the word queer now but it was used to describe the unconventional weirdness in the relationship. We didn't fit into the normal portrayal of a loving relationship. So, it really bothers me, even in fiction, that queer ships are popularly consumed in a way that represents a traditional template. (*this is not about gender itself but the gender roles! f/m can very well be queer!). 

Let's take the biggest victim in this fandom: sirius.

Sirius’ portrayal concerning his gender and sexuality has heavily changed his characterization in the fanon. We have a character who is popularly headcanonned as trans and is it a coincidence that all their traits have changed from the og material? Sirius is suddenly vain, whiny, and dumb. Canon doesn't suggest this interpretation, it has to have stemmed from somewhere. It's the implicit bias. Sirius becomes a caricature of what a woman “should be”. When we focus on sexuality, there is the suddenly short twink sirius who has the same new traits- proving the point of fulfilling gender roles. These characteristics are a stand-in for the “female” role of the traditional relationship and it becomes more clear in the example of new age wolfstar. Remus is now the big alpha stoic manly man- the obvious stand-in for the “male” role. I could go on, it is apparent in the way you can see remus becomes a caretaker and sirius is taken care of.

The point I am trying to make is not to discourage gender/sexuality hc. I love them, keep them coming. But, why is female sirius not tall suddenly? It is not inherently bad at all to have a feminine and masculine pairing! But why do we need to change the constitutions of these characters to consume their relationship?

I'll keep dropping disclaimers because I hate being misinterpreted: I don't obviously mean every single person is doing this or that doing one of the things means doing the other too. 

Race:

It is related to the point above. I was personally so excited to see the popular desi james hc. Even in fanon, I have never seen such a prevalent and encouraged brown rep, it was quite sweet to come back to that. But the problem is the change of characteristics that comes with race hc. Desi james is also a manly dude who is big and buff as opposed to the white petite and delicate regulus within jegulus ship. The melanin is directly proportional to the manliness here. 

This is a propagation of race stereotypes. Maybe jegulus was a bad example because usually there are seen as blank templates. I will raise the argument that this can't be all we can come up with for blank canvases then. Either way, my point about race still stands when you repeatedly design interracial queer relationships so they fall into heteronormative roles. Anyway, same issue with wolfstar when there is a brown remus.

Canon, JKR, and hypocrisy:

Refusing to engage with source material is funny when we are picking characters out of it. the interpretations of the characters will be from their book. otherwise, they are just original characters with the same name. you can add onto the traits and a lot of the time fandom comes to a consensus regarding a few things! This is common in every fandom but I don't think I have seen such reluctance to not only critically engage with media but also shame others who do. We are surely in special circumstances with this fandom but I really do think jkr and how we navigate the fanon should be two different things.

Most of us don't condone jkr or even remotely agree with any nonsense she spews on the daily. Most of us can see the problematic nature of even consuming this media and staying in this fandom. It is one of the reasons I even left the fandom. Most of us are simply doing our best to engage carefully while distancing ourselves from her. So, it is quite laughable when some love to take the moral high ground for rejecting canon while still engaging with the same characters. (the rejection of canon in question being sirius’ height, lol)

(Sirius' height is quite a polarising fact apparently. Unfortunately, the point about height is also discussed so disingenuously. When I talk about sirius’ height, it is not really about him being 6 or 7 feet. It will not really impact my life. It is about what it represents. He is bimbofied as he becomes short. It's an issue of "WHY" again.)

Of course, this isn't an accusation of intentional bigotry from everyone here. The problem with this fandom is that the people in it tell themselves that it is progressive and to run away from the problematic creator as much as possible. We are not progressive if all we do is co-opt queer and racially diverse identities on such a superficial level. The bias manifests in subtle forms. I just wish we check ourselves from time to time, that's all. 

There is a lot of hostility when we try to discuss issues in the fanon. Things are interpreted in the most misguided way to just win the argument. Like I said in the beginning, we all just want to have a good time. That also means creating a welcoming space for vulnerable groups (especially when the same identities are used to pat yourselves on the backs for inclusivity points). I didn't even cover everything btw, I just wrote about the issues that concern me. queer and poc also partake in biased representations, I also probably have some biases that I didn't identify yet. I just think it would be super neat if everyone tried to make an effort to unlearn and engage with media without hurting anyone. 

I have other issues but they are all just super subjective opinions and smth I can ignore when others do. ex: I really don't like giving tragic backstories to bigots in the story. Not every supremacist loser has a trauma that forced them into oppressing people! There is also "tropeyfication" of all major ships. Just an overall issue in the reading world I think, though.

Anon, I didn't mean to make it preachy in any way btw. You probably asked for a silly little rant and I went full lecture mode, so I apologize for the tone shift!! I mentioned these because every other issue can be brought down to these imo. Like you said, I also don't have any fixation on everything being canon-compliant. I only complain by asking about the thought process behind certain kinds of changes, if that makes sense! I hope this wasn't a drag really and you can see where I am coming from. If I misspoke anywhere, pls lmk. Thanks for sharing your opinions too!!

This is a long long rant, anyone who read everything, you are wonderful and patient. Thank you for taking the time. This huge post and the content can make you think, “who cares this much?” or “it's not that serious” and yaa it really isn't that serious. The characters aren't real but we all are. the identities projected are real. so, it does matter to talk about this.

Everything said this is a fun place to be once you find your own corner in the playground.

[dinxieyinxie]

I beg ya tell me about your OC Yonal and Snape, I need to know about them.

omg,, my heart is so full rn qwq i didn't really expect anyone would be interested in them so idk where to start DFHFDHJ

Yonal isn't fully fleshed-out yet but I made a post sometime ago about them to kickstart their story and a snippet of their friendship with Snape but I'd like to add a few new info for their lore (I did mention that I'd delve deeper into their friendship) so buckle up!

(I am not well-versed with words so lmk if you'd like me to clarify something! ><)

Their friendship is something these two weren't expecting at all tbh and the fact that they managed to build such a strong foundation is somewhat peculiar to me, in a way that they have the most contrasting personalities that it even clashes from time to time but still having that "homey", cozy feeling about it. Yonal being carefree and chaotic, the type to just "go-with-the-flow", and thinks that the glass is half-full while Severus is completely on the other side of the spectrum, with him looking at everything realistically and pessimistically at the same time. I could describe their relationship as:

Sun and Moon

Yin and Yang

Achilles and Patroclus

Red String of Fate

There's more but they're basically rocking that "opposites attract" typa energy HAHAHA

Yonal is most of the time, if not, completely, unaffected by Severus' attitude but rather he (Yonal goes by he/they!) chooses to respect and understand why Severus is like that and would even offer insight in which Sev would always be taken aback. (Not saying Linx is a dunderhead but he can be quite clueless LOL) I like to think Severus learns to accept Yonal the way he is and even appreciate it (He wouldn't outright admit it tho)

There's a lot of things Yonal and Severus don't particularly agree in but there are a few that allows them to connect with each other like the thirst for knowledge, great interest for the Wizarding World, socks, dead-beat dads, loneliness, and other things that I cannot think at the top of my head rn hehe

Idk if I've mentioned this already but even though Yonal loves being an absolute headache to Severus, he deeply respects that raven-haired mf and wouldn't dare ruin their deeply-rooted friendship in any way. I explained in this post how he's willing to bend his habits for him and it is still true to this day!

What fascinates me about them is that they definitely keep each other grounded in a sense that they have that ability to calm each other's turbulent souls, which opens to a lot of vulnerable moments. Something that both of them don't really allow themselves to be in. I like to think they'd grow closer as they confide with one another. Sometimes, home is a person.

Back in the day, they had underlying feelings with each other but these two dumb mfs didn't want to poke and probe in fear that it might end the bond that they have so they set these emotions aside but it does slip out sometimes teehee! In present times, the old flame ignited on its own and over the course of the time they have together, I think it's safe to say that they'll eventually finally confront these feelings and get it over with. But for now, I'm evil and love to hurt myself so im subjecting them to a slow-burn love (angst included!) <333

There's much more that I want to spew but I think that would be for another time. Honestly, I just want Snape to be happy bc God forbids he have peace in his depressing life

As a treat, here's a silly one I made uwu

[crazyboy3million]

Sound off about how you feel about this bc I truly have no problem with discussing it even if you disagree... Here is one of the main reasons why I can't get behind "transandrophobia" as a real term and can't really take posts using that term seriously even if I agree with the points made themselves.

I think it's a very vapid and misrepresentative term for the unique experiences with transphobia that transmascs experience. I think that it stems from transmascs reading about "trans misogyny," which represents the unique intersection of transphobia and misogyny that trans women face, and the thought process from there is "well, we should have a word for our version of that too, let's just change misogyny to a word that means anti-male."

My issue with this is that androphobia does not exist in the wild. The patriarchy has no room for "anti-masculinity" or "anti-maleness." These are baseless ideals reinforced by terfs alone that are typically just used as weapons against trans women.

My theory is that there is an extremely uncomfortable and unfair truth that the transphobic bias against transmasculinity is also a product of misogyny. "That's what we mean by transandrophobia" is not an explanation for the way people actually use that word. Transmascs who post about "transandrophobia" are not a monolith, but every single one of these posts that I've come across has at least undertones of trans infighting and trans misogyny, and an underlying or even overt agenda that mainstream society has a problem with men. I've seen a lot of very obviously fake or exaggerated stories about trans men being belittled by trans women and I believe that these stories are used to spread the bitter idea that trans women hate or envy or look down upon all trans men, when really it seems like the storyteller just met a tgirl who's kind of shitty in her own way. (Btw, I've seen plenty of posts from trans women that seem to have a weird bitterness against trans men, and those seem to also contain sweeping generalizations based on anecdotal evidence. It goes both ways and it's always bad).

Terfs hate us because they want us to be women. They see "deviance from womanhood" in trans men as a product of undiagnosed mental illness or the manipulation of vulnerable little girls. The way I see it, it's rooted in misogyny and anti-masculinity in women, and not anti-maleness. This is of course stupid bullshit that is incredibly dysphoria inducing, and my first instinct would be to come up with another explanation for it as well. Still, white men--it's a different story for black men, which can't be chalked up to "androphobia" either--are not belittled for being masculine in a society where the patriarchy dominates not only social rules but laws and politics. This is why I sort of get an early stage mens rights activist vibe from "transandrophobia."

So to conclude, I think this term indicates a lack of critical thinking about roots of the unique experiences that we, as men, have with transphobia. I think it's used too commonly among trans men who want to establish a hostile division between us and trans women. Solidarity is hard. Sometimes it's an uphill battle. I think if we all approached discourse with the desire to understand and appreciate everyone's point of view, it would just make us all feel a little more peaceful at the very least.

I understand where transandrophobia truthers are coming from. I've been there, I've regrettably touted transmedicalism in the past, I've resisted educating myself out of the fear of being wrong, I've started useless arguments with people online that just raised my heart rate, and now I've given up on being divisive within the trans community and all I want is for people to just hear me out on this stuff even if they still end up hating all of my points and disagreeing with me in the end. Idk if anyone will even see this, it's just something that's been on my mind lately. Pls if you disagree with me at least try to be nice about it 😭 ok bye I'm done

[jemmo]

today on everything i love and that is perfect about utsukushii kare (bc i just binged rewatched both seasons), i find it so fantastic and perfect how they, not even advertently, show how hira and kiyoi grow out of their high school personas, bc that is so a thing that happens and is something i find hardly any media really navigates as well as i see it here. high school is very much a rigid place, and in it you play your part; the popular kid, the class clown, the nerd and so on, but outside of high school, after high school, when you grow up and enter the wider role, there aren’t those roles to fulfil. you have to be you, and to do that, you have to figure out who that ‘you’ is, whether thats something you’ve always known or had inside and just kept buried or hidden, or thats something you’ve yet to discover and have to find, and then go on to actually be that, and shed all of that behaviour you learned or picked up or hid behind in high school. 

idk if this is a universal thing, but it is something that especially speaks to me, being more of the hira, the loner, unpopular, shy kid. that role offers a lot of safety in high school, which is weird to say bc its not a place you aspire to be nor is it particularly enjoyable, but in a way it spares you of further ridicule. if you just fill that role and don’t do anything that acts outside of it, you can get by just fine, then high school is done and you move on. thats what utsukushii kare shows so well. the way hira is treated in high school is never really that outright bullying you stereotypically think of, which i love bc thats not really what high school is actually like. really, it is more of what you see in the show. this lower level stuff that you kind of just go along with even if it is objectively mean. the name calling is not loud insults, its those pet nicknames that follow you and remind you of the things you dont like about yourself, the things you’re embarrassed about. its the established hierarchy that you are at the bottom of that signals to you everyday that you are less important than everyone else. and hira goes along with it partly bc of kiyoi but also bc its safe and, dare i say, comfortable, bc hira has not just not known different, but doesnt wish to either, which is how he settles into his dynamic with kiyoi. 

on the other hand, kiyoi’s place as the popular kid is something he is more visibly uncomfortable with, at least to me, and you see it even before you learn about what his real dreams and interests are. the way he acts with the people that surround him, he is never exactly like that. his treatment of hira especially is kinder while still hiding behind that film of treating him as the group’s lacky, but when people treat hira unkindly, he steps in, and i like to think this is from a place of him just being a good person and not just a defensiveness of hira bc of however he feels. its weird bc he does want to be admired so his place shouldn’t feel so wrong, but i think its from a place of wanting to be admired for his merit, for who he is, not out of any control or fear. he wants to be level with people when it comes to reality, and praised for the things he can do well, his abilities, not just some abject superiority others think he possesses. and i cant tell you how much i love this character for this whole ‘cool guy who’s expected to be so cool and not care about anything but actually really wants to do well at stuff and has a passion for acting and dancing and performance and just wants to be loved’. like that is one of my favourite character tropes ever and utsukushii kare does it with kiyoi to absolute damn perfection, which is only added to when you think about the queerness underlying it, kiyoi acting as this stereotypical straight popular high school boy who’s too cool for everyone but really not only is he not straight and have these complicated feelings for a boy, but he also loves performance and theatre and i love that those two things aren’t separate and it makes so much sense. there is just this young queer boy who wants to be liked hiding behind this veneer of coolness and popularity and its fabulous. 

so when they do get out of high school, we get to see kiyoi embrace that side of him that he always kept hidden, not just doing what he loves, but actively pursuing it, trying hard, putting in the effort and dedication and i adore that. it lends itself so well to the mantra of ‘trying your best is the coolest thing you can do’ which i wholeheartedly believe. not caring isn’t cool. caring is cool. trying your best is cool. and not only does it make kiyoi more admirable as a character, but it feels like kiyoi is a lot more comfortable and welcoming of the admiration he gets, bc now it feels deserved, and its funny that that manifests through him being humble and playing himself down bc thats the very human thing to do when you’re praised, but it also parallels the way hira downplays and degrades himself which is actually, in a twisted way, him thinking highly of himself, which we see discussed in the last ep of season 2. 

bc when hira leaves high school, he still clings to that role, even though there’s no one around him maintaining it. for him to be lowly, there has to be someone around him thats above him, but there isn’t now, which is why he clings to the dynamic he has with kiyoi above him bc it carries over and maintains his safe space. and what we see in season 2 is kiyoi removing that, asking hira to not raise him up just so he can put himself down, he wants to be level. and with kiyoi trying to take away that safety, that leaves hira having to figure out what his place actually is in the world, a world he’s always removed himself from. that’s why his discussion with noguchi is so important, bc kiyoi has struggled to be direct and put it into words with hira, either bc he struggles to say those things or doesn’t want to be so harsh with hira, but noguchi has no issue with holding back, nor feels any need to be gentle. he tells hira flat out you are selfish and ignorant to a fault and think so highly of yourself that you think you are the only person in this world. and thats what hira needs, a real challenge, someone who sees his mindset and twists it to show all the negatives of it. its never what hira intended, but its the message he sends to others; by belittling yourself, you give other people’s words and thoughts no weight or importance, thinking you know better. by removing people from your photos, by hiding behind the camera, you are not escaping the world, you are saying the world is only for you. there is only one plane to exist on, and by trying to be there alone, you deny everyone else of their existence. the option is not to not participate, its to participate alone. and what i’d hope continues in the story (idk what the movie is about at all) is a journey for hira to find how he can be involved at the same level as everyone else, to step out of the safety of self inflicted isolation and join in, feel comfortable finally taking up space and find who he is outside of high school. 

[blainehasregrets]

Wardrobe Symbolism in Duets

I’ve been wanting to talk about the symbolism behind this sweater for forever, and I had almost thought about posting this on the glee Reddit but…I don’t think this kind of thing would be welcome there idk 😅 so I decided to finally start a blog to talk about glee so I can make my stupidly long essays in peace.

Anyways here’s an overly long Kurt Hummel character analysis!

This sweater is one of my favorites clothing choices in the show, and I think it gives us a lot of insight into Kurt’s character.

Quick disclaimer:

I know it’s just a tv show and it’s not that deep, in fact I truly believe glee is a show with absolutely 0 subtext and what you see is what you get. I think I’m pretty good at separating what the show intended vs what I actually feel, and I try to point out what’s actually canon and what’s not. I also know very well that Glee often underestimated the seriousness of the topics they talked about and they almost never actually planned stuff ahead, so none of this was actually meant to be that serious in the show. Not just that, but the understanding of consent has changed over the years as well, and that reflects in media of its time. However! I find it fun to analyze everything anyway. This is literally just for fun!

Okay now…

Duets, in my opinion, is one of the most defining episodes for Kurt’s character, in conjunction with Wheels and Theatricality. This episode contains some pretty important moments for him.

For one, he gets called out for his previous behavior regarding the Finn situation in season 1.

We learn just how lonely he feels, and how his biggest wish is to be able to live and experience romance just like anyone else.

He overcomes said loneliness by owning it and doing a duet on his own that celebrates both masculinity and femininity.

He gains a friend in Rachel.

He also learns 2 lessons that have a big impact on his character. While the obvious “don’t hit on straight boys” is an objectively good one that Kurt will take to heart as he never does so again, there is an underlying message of “your problems are not anyone else’s” that will, going forward, also have a negative effect on Kurt, and most notably why he struggles with his relationship with Blaine.

To fully understand Duets and Kurt’s character, and the affect this subplot will have on his future character development, you have to understand that:

Kurt’s crush on Finn was gone in Home, and in Theatricality he was completely over Finn. His frustration towards Finn in that episode stems from being misunderstood, and the miscommunication between them because Finn didn’t know that Kurt's crush was gone. So he already has had experiences having his motives misconstrued

You can’t just pay attention to what only Finn and Burt were saying in Duets, like I think a lot of people do. Rachel’s words to him at the end of this episode, “I can’t imagine what it would be like to have feelings you can’t act on for fear of being humiliated, ridiculed, or worse”, are just as important to understanding the effect this will have on Kurt. The situation is more than just “Kurt was wrong for wanting to sing with Sam”.

However, this isn’t solely about dissecting Duets as whole, so I’ll move on!

Obviously on the surface, this handprint sweater, in this specific episode and this specific scene, represents his lack of boundaries towards Finn in season 1, the assumption that he’ll act the same with Sam, and the reality that, no matter how innocent his intentions might be with Sam, they will automatically be misconstrued as sexual or predatory because of his sexuality. (It really is vital that people understand Rachel’s speech at the end of the episode. This episode isn’t solely about Sam’s consent being ignored by Kurt, because Sam explicitly agrees to sing with Kurt, but it’s also about other people’s reactions if they found out a guy was singing with Kurt, fair or not. Like Finn said, they live in “their” world).

Finn tells Kurt he doesn’t know when no means no. Hence the blue sweater depicting two messy handprints on his chest.

But while that’s the obvious reason it’s used in this scene, there’s something else that’s prevalent with Kurt’s character that will become a major plot point in just two episodes. An issue Kurt will face again and again throughout the show: a disrespect towards his own consent/boundaries, and the lack of agency he feels over his life and body, which affects how he sees himself and interacts with others. It’s foreshadowing for the upcoming arc where Karofsky crosses the line and kisses him. The hands are, after all, ultimately on him.

From episode 1, our very first introduction to Kurt is him being thrown into a dumpster by a group of boys and ignored by Will. With a distant, tense relationship with his father, a dead mother, and no friends, Kurt’s main form of contact with other people is the physical bullying he receives. To the point where Finn’s apathy towards him was seen as flirting by Kurt, because that was the nicest a person would be to him. While Finn was a bystander to most of the bullying Kurt received, even actively participating in some of it, Kurt still developed a crush on him.

I believe this all contributed to him having a muddied view of boundaries (thinking it’s okay to set their parents up), his own self worth, and aids in his need for control (which he usually exercised over his dad as that’s the only person he can truly influence, and what he attempted in Home with Finn, but that blew up in his face in the very same episode. Kurt might want to try to control people, but he’s not very good at it!) because he feels as if he has so little of it over his own life.

Another early example of feeling a loss of control: he had no say in how he was able to come out to most people. He was able to do it with Mercedes and his dad on his own terms, two clearly monumental and emotional moments for him, but everyone else automatically assumed he was gay. In Preggers, he still tells Finn he's not gay. In this sense, his choice was taken away, because people had already decided for him that he was gay. And with that loss of choice, came harassment.

Of course, in season 1, Kurt never just took the bullying meekly nor was he particularly scared of his bullies. He usually had a snide comment to make as a defense/coping mechanism. But he did mostly accept it passively because he knew there was really no way he could stop it himself or get help, as people like Mr. Schue would walk by, oblivious. Kurt eventually gives up in season 2, and in turn begins to believe he’s not worthy of being helped and that he needs to deal with his issues on his own, something we already see him feel in Wheels when he decides to keep his dad from knowing the true extent of the harassment he faces to protect him. Duets further cements this for him, as Finn and Burt tell Kurt if he sings with Sam, he’ll be dragging Sam into the bullying he faces, and that’s not fair to Sam, even if Sam had agreed to sing with him. It’s not about the fact that Kurt gets bullied, because it’s treated as an almost inevitable fact of life, it’s that he shouldn’t get others involved. So Kurt decides to dissolve the partnership. You can compare how Kurt in Theatricality is still able to (curtly) ask Finn to tell Azimio and Karofsky to at least leave his clothes alone if they’re going to bully him (not even to stop the bullying, but just to leave his clothes out of it), vs Furt where he’s uncomfortable with the club trying to defend him because it’s not their problem.

Things continue to escalate in season 2. Karofsky forcibly kisses Kurt in Never Been Kissed (and even tries to kiss him again before Kurt pushes him away), and along with the bullying, which still included seemingly daily physical assault as Dave full body slams into Kurt constantly, it ramps up to covert sexual harassment (The wink in The Substitute, the finger on his chest in Furt, along with trying to spin the situation as if Kurt kissed and liked him, essentially trying to victim blame him). This is when we see Kurt go from being passively annoyed/tired of it to being legitimately afraid. Because of the kiss, Karofsky's previous and current targeted harassment towards Kurt takes on a whole new meaning, too. It’s troubling to know that someone who has shown over and over again that they have the capability of being violent towards you also doesn’t respect your consent, and Karofsky stealing the cake topper symbolizes Kurt’s greater fear of what Karofsky is capable of.

(Also I’m fully aware there are giant, glaring differences between how Finn and Karofsky had treated Kurt, so the situations are truly not compatible, but I do find it interesting that, at a certain point, Kurt had been hoping for the "bully secretly in love with him" stereotype to be true, but the actual reality of it was so much scarier than he imagined. Again, not comparable situations at all as Finn's main selling point to Kurt was that he was nice, but I do think Kurt's crush on him showed that he could be someone willing to overlook some abuse. I feel like the implications of Kurt’s crush on Finn and what it said about himself and his experience as a lonely gay teen is often lost because people would rather make it a black and white situation.)

Yet, after the kiss happens, Kurt is more concerned with not outing Karofsky. While he does get to express his sadness over his first kiss being with Karofsky for a scene with Blaine, the scene prior is not a confrontation meant to tell Karofsky he doesn’t know when no means no, or anything about what Kurt feels, it’s Kurt (through Blaine) extending an olive branch to Karofsky and telling Karofsky that he’s not alone and he can talk to them. When Karofsky asks him in The Substitute if he’s told anyone else, Kurt says he knows how hard it is for him so he won’t tell anyone. Kurt, despite everything, ultimately puts Karofsky first, even before Karofsky threatens him over it.

This is for 3 possible reasons. The purely canon one is that he didn’t want to out Karofsky. The show spells it out for you, that’s Kurt’s main motivation to keep Karofsky’s secret safe with him. And, of course, it’s an important one. It could be dangerous for Dave if he’s outed, Kurt knows that better than anyone, and that was Glee’s main moral of that arc: it’s not okay to out people. (until it sorta is later...ugh I hate debates over Santana's outing simply because even regardless of the fact that it was a horrible thing to happen to her, regardless of anyone's personal feelings on Santana, the show had already set the precedent that no matter how "mean" someone is, it is not okay to out them!)

But based on past experiences Kurt has had, I think there are 2 possible other subtextual motivations behind his refusal to tell anyone outside of Blaine:

He knows he wouldn’t be helped. And he wasn’t, which only furthered his belief that telling people about his problems is useless.

He feels he would be blamed for his own assault. He’d already been blamed for his own bullying multiple times (Theatricality, Duets, Wheels, though that was him shouldering the responsibility himself without anyone else's input), and he knows people take issue with him interacting with other guys. Possibly in his eyes it could be likely, especially as Karofsky had already tried to say Kurt had kissed him, that the situation could turn around on him and he could be the one blamed for trying to kiss Karofsky.

And so, Kurt keeps it in.

As the show goes on he’s “stalked” (using this term rather loosely, however I do think it would be natural if Kurt had been extra creeped out by the fact that Karofsky, who now goes to a different school had been visiting him everyday as a "secret admirer") and confessed to by Karofsky in Heart, pressured into sex in The First Time and then yelled at for saying no (to be clear here since this is a sensitive topic: Regardless of what you feel about Blaine’s intentions in the first part of this scene, I feel like it should be easy to admit his reaction to Kurt rejecting him was still objectively guilt trippy/mean/wrong. And that’s even without the added context of the Sebastian/school play of it all which really...adds some very troubling layers to an already rather messy situation), Sexy Santa ties him up when he doesn’t want to roleplay in Previously Unaired Christmas (I’m also aware this is an AU, not meant to be canon, but it’s interesting to me that even in an AU, Kurt’s consent being disrespected is a recurring theme), and Walter is deceitful about his age when he and Kurt talked online in The Hurt Locker Part 1.

Other example of a non-romantic/sexual moments when his boundaries are pushed would be Grilled Cheesus, where he asks the club not to pray for his dad and he’s ignored, even by the adults in his life like Will and Emma, because they think they know what’s best for him. In the end, he relents and says he should have just let them pray and sings a religious song with them anyway. Even his own wedding with Blaine wasn’t exactly “his choice” (but of course, we know it was something that he ultimately wanted in the end anyway.)

Now, I have to recognize: canonically, none of this actually affects Kurt in a way that’s super explicitly obvious. He never outright says “wow I felt very disrespected by this thing that happened. I think I'm going to have communication issues from now on.” lol. When Blaine gets upset that Kurt didn’t want to have sex in TFT, it’s seen as no big deal by Kurt or the narrative. He even says it was worse when Blaine made out with Rachel. And it’s not hard to understand why it’s framed that way. The show itself already has a questionable view of consent (ex: Puck/Quinn) so, to the writers, the overall narrative, and Kurt, it’s no bigger argument than any other. It’s not meant to be that serious. This stuff, as it seems, doesn’t phase him as much as you might think it would, as he is willing to having sex with Blaine literally the next day, and he’s able to move on without problem. And, if you want to believe that none of this affected Kurt because that is somewhat textually factual, you can! It’s right there in canon. In fact, even as someone who absolutely despises TFT, I still think it’s a bittt disingenuous to overblow the effect this has on Kurt by acting as if this forever traumatized him when it feels like the show went out of its way to be like “no, actually it was fine!!” (And I plan to make a post about my full thoughts on TFT eventually.)

However, while I do believe Glee is not a subtext heavy show, I still think you can still make inferences based on what the text presents us. Subtextually, it’s possible to draw the conclusion that Kurt’s nonchalance is because Kurt had already been conditioned to believe he didn’t deserve better treatment (in Duets his bullying is basically seen as a given), had no faith he’d be helped even if he did tell anyone else, and had the belief that he brought this stuff on himself because he’s the one who doesn’t know when no means no. Things like being "stalked", catfished, and yelled at for not wanting to have sex when he already felt uncomfortable and disrespected didn’t register to him as something that maybe he should feel more upset about. Instead, his focus is usually on what the other person might feel. He seeks out and apologizes to Blaine (and this is done for a very specific reason in TFT, to reassure the audience that having sex was 100% Kurt’s choice, but I’ll save that for a post dedicate to that episode lol while I understand their intentions, I still think it ends up painting the situation in a bad light). He blames himself for not picking up Karofsky’s calls. He continues to date Walter.

And I think it’s possible to see how much brushing off these instances affected him later in the show. Because he feels his problem's are not anyone else's, he has a lack of communication skills that ended up causing a rift between him and Blaine when they moved to New York (telling Blaine they need to talk more, then saying they talk too much in Tested), an intense need for control (being upset when Blaine moved a desk in New New York), as well as, how he mentions in Loser Like Me, that he learned in therapy that he doesn’t like himself so he felt he was undeserving of love, and so when Blaine showed him intimacy, he felt like there was something wrong with Blaine too. Kurt was conditioned to believe he had to be alone (Burt’s speech to him in Duets) and so, he ended up internalizing it and was unable to cope when Blaine did anything but leave him alone.

And I would like to add another disclaimer: this analysis isn't actually meant to perpetually woobify Kurt (do people still use that word? am I showing my age?). What I love most about Kurt is how strong he is. He can handle soo much, in fact I think "Kurt had a victim complex" is a huge misconception about his character, because I feel he often tried to brush aside his bigger problems, which is my point here. But I also believe there's also no shame in being a victim. Kurt, and by extension any person, is not lesser than because they had bad things happen to them. Kurt was still able to be strong and kind, and personally I think that’s why I find his character so interesting. Despite all the bad, Kurt continued on. And I just love that character development isn't always just "This character became a better person", sometimes it's a character internalizing lessons that actually negatively affect them! I feel like so many of the issues Kurt continued to have later on in the show stemmed from Duets.

TLDR:

The hands on his sweater represent an occurring theme in Kurt's story where his boundaries were disrespected, and how in turn that had funneled into unhealthy mindset that negatively affected his view of boundaries, himself and his relationship with Blaine.

And, I have a lot less to say about this but, Sam’s Captain America shirt he wears before he gets slushied was also used as symbolism, but I think this is more known? He was being “heroic” by sticking to his values and not letting Finn talk him out of dueting with Kurt, but it also represents the fact that now that he’s in the glee club, he’s a target for harassment. It’s interesting to me that he gets slushied before he even duets with Kurt, though, proving that it isn't Kurt's sole responsibility to keep Sam from being harassed, because being in the club is already enough of a reason. I also have a working theory that in Glee, red symbolizes individuality and blue symbolizes team work and Kurt's sweater being blue means he's putting the team above himself as Finn had told him...but I'm not sure how much I fully believe it. I need to stop being lazy and write an essay about the general color symbolism in glee, and the color grading over the seasons because I am actually so passionate about it lol

[oidheadh-con-culainn]

hi! we dont know each other but ive stumbled upon your posts in which you describe your anxiety brain and borrowing trouble from the future and i can totally relate to that. and it sounds a lot like ocd, which i know i have... idk if this would be helpful

sometimes i do see things about ocd that i relate to. i think a lot of the underlying thought patterns and fears are probably similar. i don't think i respond to them in the way that somebody with ocd does, though -- i don't experience compulsions and don't find any relief from behaving in certain ways or performing certain rituals, i just experience profound dread and physical discomfort until i'm able to forget about the thing that triggered the anxiety or i move on to something else

my sister has ocd, which i only learned recently (we don't live together and aren't super close), but again, although i see overlap between our experiences, i think we respond to those triggers differently and find different things helpful/harmful. obviously everyone is different so that doesn't rule out the possibility that i'd also have it, but i think it makes it less likely

generally i think my issues are largely attributable to generalised anxiety disorder, some kind of brainweirds (not sure if autistic or have adhd or both), and a solid dose of complex trauma that contributes a fair amount of hypervigilance and fear to the proceedings which make standard anxiety tactics less helpful

i think all mental health diagnoses are labels we give to certain groups of symptoms rather than like. firmly grouped Conditions between which there can be no overlap, though. some aspects of anxiety and ocd are very similar, and some are different -- the same stars in different constellations. i think i score more points in the anxiety chart, so that's where i am for now, but doesn't mean i'm not experiencing some of the same things, if that makes sense (and it also doesn't mean that some coping mechanisms designed for one condition won't work just because i don't think i fit under that label -- sometimes they do)

[aquickstart]

idk how much you still think about major grom but if you have any thoughts on the bird i'd love to see your bingo card for him

omg i think about it a lot actually. not all the time anymore but like a lot more than i thought i would. the reason i stopped keeping up with pd is the in my opinion messy arcs and writing and wasted potential. which brings me to the bird SO neatly

so like. im kind of afraid to say it but. he makes the least sense to me out of all and every bubble universe character (i've read all major series except for meteora). like i don't get him. he's such a major part of literally everything that seryozha does yet somehow i still don't understand his essence. it may be just that i'm foggy on the details, and i believe the newest rubinshtain standalone (FUCKING FINALLY??) gets into the specifics of his interations with the bird essentially fronting sergey, and i haven't read that.

but from MY understanding the bird is the alter ego formed due to seryozha's underlying issues with the self, like the personalisation of his repressed fears and desires. but i'm pretty sure this is not canon. i'm pretty sure the bird is supposed to be an actual separate entity, kinda like kutkh, and i assume this because the bird fought kutkh off in the game arc for seryozha in a "he's my playground and mine only" kinda way. so i literally don't know what to make of him, and because i have a very shaky image of him in canon i cannot consume any fanmade bird content and headcanons because i don't know what feels right.

and this brings me to my main point about how i personally have an impression that there's just SO MUCH wasted potential with the bird. SO MUCH. we've had SO much time with sergey, oleg, and supposedly the bird somewhere in seryozha's head all hanging out together, in one way or another, and i still don't understand anything about him. even after sergey's explanations to lera. even after that. i'm like. cool. what. ok.

in short. to me, as it stands, or at least as it were when i stopped keeping up with pd (around the ragnar arc), the bird is best interpreted as part of sergey that oleg doesn't understand, has never fully understood and never will understand but a part that he still accepts and in part learns to love. to me the bird is essentially something that tells me more about oleg than it does about seryozha, which is kinda crazy to think about but makes sense personally. idk. it's tough. bubble comics i demand a standalone or at least an official ph*bs–v*rontsova-authorized infographic on the bird. pls. here's my 100 rubles

[hychlorions]

I for one would like to hear your telltale thoughts 👀👀

ok!!! i am going to try my hardest to explain what i think. but be warned that a lot of this is going to be speculative. but then again. it's aa4 🥴

putting this under the cut bc it's long. i think. idk i'm typing this on mobile

so! to start us off, aside from the obvious (murder lol /j), there's one really big thing the protagonist and kristoph have in common, which is that no one really knows what their motives are. The story’s protagonist says they loved the old man. The line “I think it was his eye! Yes, it was this!” (lol) uses hedging as well, so they’re not even sure of it themselves. Kristoph’s black psychelocks appear when you ask him why he killed zak gramarye, implying he’s buried the reason so deep in his subconscious he doesn’t even know it’s there in the first place. So that’s another thing they have in common: they’re not sure what their motives are for murder.

They do have something more (and this is where we get into speculative territory). There’s this underlying paranoia in both of the characters, that I like to think is part of their ~mysterious~ motive. More specifically, it’s a fear of being watched. Again, tell-tale’s protagonist with the eye, referenced after the line where they'd speculated it might had been the eye: "One of his eyes resembled that of a vulture — a pale blue eye, with a film over it. Whenever it fell upon me, my blood ran cold; and so by degrees — very gradually — I made up my mind to take the life of the old man, and thus rid myself of the eye forever." Then Kristoph’s suspicions that someone had watched him right back all those years after the Gramarye trial. Maybe kristoph killed zak gramarye because he was the most obvious connection to the case that would drag kristoph’s name through the mud. I mean, who knows what trucy’s told zak. She could easily connect kristoph and the diary page she’d given to her dad’s lawyer.

(unrelated but I also think phoenix’s trial could possibly be a step into getting rid of trucy as well. befriend her dad who is conveniently the lawyer you’d gotten disbarred via fake evidence, kill a man (most likely unplanned), pin it on him (most likely planned right after the unplanned thing), get a greenhorn attorney to do the dirty work for you and blame the guilty verdict on incompetence (happened by convenience), then you know. a girl is left vulnerable without a guardian. there’s some mvk-edgeworth shit that could go on here if this worked out. probably)

if we were to assume that it really was the eye that had caused the protagonist to kill the old man in the first place, then another key similarity about them and kristoph is that eyes were their undoing, what caused them to take a life, or in poe's words: rid themselves of the eye forever. In Kristoph's case, this 'eye' was two things. The first is phoenix keeping him close all these years, watching him, knowing all along that kristoph had been behind his disbarment all those years ago (in the drawing, this is represented by the camera, aka the pin on phoenix's beanie, which is why it's pulled over his eye, just to make it more like the old man, with his one big, creepy eye). The second is apollo, his powers that he'd discovered at the advent of kristoph's drawn-out fall, because his bracelet is primarily tied to SEEING those lies (seeing the tension, if we want to be fussy about it. and i will be. because we all know how i am about the bracelet)

sort of unrelated tangent, but my school had this "living museum" held by the theater club every year and let me tell you it was a Hit 😎 (our theater club was popular yeah) anyway. they had a different author every year, and the year they did poe they chose to show telltale heart through the pov of the eye and the heart. and idk. the heart just stuck with me. i'm p sure that the beating heart in the story was the protag's own anxious beating heart that they imagine to be the old man's instead. it's not an exact parallel, but the magatama was used in the investigation into phoenix's disbarment, and the magatama is connected to the heart, blah blah blah, so i used it in the drawing because the heart. because it looked cool B) now that i think about it, it's kind of ironic—it's a tell-tale heart, revealing information, betraying the protagonist's guilt, and ultimately the beating of it caused them to reveal their crimes in the finale. Kristoph's heart held secrets so close he'd buried it even from himself. that's saurrrrr funnay 🥴

the last thing i'd like to point out was that the reveal was done to three officers. and i just thought it was so fitting kristoph was before three people as well when his crimes were implicated. which is why trucy, apollo, and klavier were there in the background. originally, there was a second piece with their reactions to phoenix's dead body but i chose to scrap it because of kristoph's unfortunate angle. i still have the thumbnail, though! you can see it here!

anyway. look at this venn diagram feat the spongebob ep mermaidman and barnacleboy iv. you get it. probably

[circumlocutive]

My Adderall is hitting and I just wanna shit this text post out before I start work.

I don't think there's a practical point to this kind of navel gazing at this stage in my life, and really it's more of a symptom of an issue in psychiatry with labeling phenotypic categories that don't have much correlation to biochemical mechanisms. But. I do still wonder about whether my avolition and related executive dysfunction/motivation crisis is " better " characterized as a CPTSD thing than an ADHD thing. And whether that should play a role in my expectations for functioning.

Like functionally I'm still going to treat my symptoms the same either way (it doesn't respond to CBT, DBT, or a few diff antidepressants, but does respond adequately [if inconsistently] to stimulants), so from a pragmatic angle fussing over which label is better is not useful to me. It's mostly identity wanking - unless the labels can implicate something actionable, all they really seem to do is saddle you with their sociocultural baggage.

I'd say I have evidence suggesting a genetic predisposition to ADHD traits (which I generally conceptualize based on handling in the broader psych literature as an innate/biological/"nature" [as in nature vs nurture] based thing, like the impairments are there whether or not the environment is good or bad though of course environment influences the final result). My dad is very ADHD and was long before he was a combat veteran if you listen to stories from his family, my dad was adopted bc he had a teen mom so highly likely she had something up too, and my brother is so textbook autism (and autism and ADHD genes run around skipping hand in hand) (stimulant side note these are not definitive scientific correlations I'm making here, autism looking presentation could be related to my brother being abused too and having far less social support, could be related to my mother's psychotic lineage [autism and schizo/bipolar/psychotic spec genes also run around skipping hand in hand], could be a lot of shit).

On the other hand, it is so obvious I have CPTSD (which I conceptualize as a nurture based, acquired dysfunction that does also alter your "nature" in the sense it affects your genetic expression. But while trauma will change your innate biochemical settings, I see the biggest distinction from ADHD in that cptsd wouldn't manifest without external initiation). In the narrative of my life, my current difficulty with motivation makes more sense as. Well. Something to do with living in constant fear for my life in my developmental period. How can I find anything as compelling or salient as preserving my life against a direct, explicit, and omnipresent threat. How am I supposed to give a fuck about tasks if no one is breaking plates over my head about them or depriving me of food and shelter. My whole risk reward system calibration is fuuuucked.

Realistically, I have issues with emotional regulation/motivation/self care because of the combination. I probably do have congenital neurological differences inherited from my parents, and then the extreme circumstances of my youth made for maladaptive neurological conditioning (think in the firing/electrical circuitry) + hormonal release + epigenetic changes + downstream effects that further stunted my prefrontal cortex and amygdala and striatum and whatever structures associated with emotion and reward. Some of the conditioning may be reversible with therapy/safe life experiences but the baseline performance won't be adjusted without biochemical intervention. Maybe that should play a role in setting my expectations for my performance and "improvement" over time.

Idk I have more feelings about labels and the ways they change our perception of the bio phenomena underlying "mental illness" and the self, but I need to do work instead of wasting hours getting the words out and refining them

[wildernezz]

you only just followed me but i saw your bio, so:

analyse me lol

finally got around to doing this. man, i really gotta get back on my analyzation grind. anyways this is the most i was able to think of. not sure how accurate it'll end up being, but hopefully i'm able to get some things right lolll. and if not, hopefully you at least enjoyed reading through it:

autism. that is the very first thing that strikes me when scrolling through your blog to analyze stuff and i just needed to get that out of the way as soon as possible. the autism is undeniable. and if you're not autistic it's some sort of flavor of neurodivergent. i'm putting my bets on autism though.

you're a very honest and straightforward person. you're very clear about your boundaries and what you're trying to express when talking about things. it's incredibly respectable and a really good trait to have, but i feel like sometimes you question yourself for it. it's hard to describe but i'll try touching more on it later.

i feel like you're not a very talkative person in real life. considering you have a lot of deltarune posts, a large part of me feels like you relate to kris. you also just give off those vibes of someone who's a little monotone, not extremely talkative, but can definitely ramble about the things you're interested in. i also feel like the story arc of kris is something you probably relate to. i haven't analyzed kris enough to feel solid in describing their trauma but i know something in that is something you relate to. especially with the conflict of identity and knowing who you are. i have no idea how to describe that in kris terms but i know it's there. 

rolling along with the deltarune ball, there's a whole lotta noelle in there too (which based btw, noelle is awesome). it makes me wonder if you relate to her too. maybe it's the overall anxiety she has, but i feel like it also ties into the idea of identity, losing yourself, or not completely knowing who you are. it's weird to describe because i feel like you do have a solid sense of who you are, it's just that every now and then you probably have some sort of moral crisis or existential crisis and it can send you spiraling if you think about it for too long. you seem like somebody who lives life the way that you want to, but there is still a slight underlying fear of both yourself and the world.

oh i just know you've questioned your gender a few times. maybe you haven't particularly dwelled on it for a long time, but i feel like you've def had that "maybe i'm not entirely cis" thought pop in your head every now and then.

this is honestly a tougher analyzation for me to pinpoint, but it's not because i can't tell anything about you, it's more like i could point at a character and go "that one's you" but i have no idea how to back it up lmaoooo. so here's some characters that i feel fit you but i have no idea why: Kris from Deltarune (duh), steve minecraft (idk why either), L from Death Note, Nick Carraway from The Great Gatsby, both Danny Saunders and Reuven Malter from The Chosen (1987 movie specifically), and also a weird mix Twilight Sparkle, Starlight Glimmer, and Maud Pie from MLP:FiM.

hopefully this provides something insightful and is at least semi-accurate. i usually do better analyzations on my @analyzing-people-like-hell account where i'm given a list of characters to work with, so if you want i'd gladly redo an analyzation over there. however i have been way off my analyzation grind so i make no promises on how long that'll take lolll. either way, my bad if this isn't all that accurate, but it was super fun to look through so thank you for the content B))

[thehealingplum]

Being in college has transformed me. A lot. But there's still the underlying fear of "have I changed enough? Am I way better than I was or just a little bit better?"

Idk I still feel like I've been a whiny crybaby pessimist at times, but I do try to push back whenever a spiral tries to catch me.

Ive also been noticing when I play phone games and am like "ah yes this isn't fun this is just addictive because I feel obligated to play due to the various timers they have on things."

I do a hell of a lot of reflecting on myself. Honestly I hate it because I hate thinking about me but. If I don't take a look at my behavior and really think about it, I don't grow or change properly.

For example I always labeled myself as a good person bc I was agreeable with everyone and just kinda went with the flow. With everyone. Never voicing my troubles w things until it got to a dangerous breaking point.

Now I just acknowledge that I was being a follower type. A yesman. Sometimes even a puppet. And I'd echo my self righteous beliefs at people thinking I was always the one in the right.

Idk I'm rambling now. I'm gonna take a nap. I have assignments to do when I wake up.

[variousqueerthings]

I'm watching the craft: legacy and I think it's much more watchable than its reputation. it's messy as hell, and I am not convinced teenagers speak like this at all, but I think it's got some interesting bones. it's main problems I think are the pacing and lack of purpose for most of the characters -- the more interesting stuff doesn't really begin until around the one hour mark, when there's not much movie left, and it sort of races towards the finish line from that point, rather than letting things build slowly

it's especially the three other witches that suffer from this, they're simply not particularly well drawn. that being said the idea that these four girls reach into this boy (an awful person, definitely) and completely fuck with his brain in order to make him "better" is very interesting, although those consequences aren't really dealt with, because he's murdered, kind of letting them off the hook

there are all these interesting little ideas floating about that unfortunately get lost in the more simplistic evil david duchovny plot (which, to be clear, totally fair to have evil david duchovny who hates women plot also)

I have now seen a few modern takes on different kinds of horror and soft!horror and I wonder if the wall that keeps getting banged against is the fear of having main characters be "problematic." the idea that we're trying to create a different kind of world, centering narratives that have queer intersectional ethos, and so we can't let the characters be messy, or else that underlying messaging might get lost/people might judge

this to say, that especially in horror, people need to let their inner freak out more. not police what's "morally good" behaviour. not let limitations be dictated by narratives that have demonised marginalised bodies in the past. idk, just write a short with some mass-murdering witches to get it out of your system and see how you feel after that, maybe you'd like more murderous witches

also, spoiler I guess for the final scene which doesn't have any bearing really on the main plot + mild discussion of SA

but perhaps my bias around nancy downs... there is something incredibly bleak about her specifically having a kid that she's forced to give up under very unclear circumstances. if it were sarah (robin tunney) I'd have maybe read some of that differently, but I cannot not read this as somehow related to sexual assault or at least highly dubious consent, because nancy ends the original craft institutionalised and we see her here... still institutionalised. there is a line that suggests that in between that she's been released and came to lily's adopted mother for help (which is also... skirted over....) but nancy's relationship with men isn't canonically great for her, so to see her here... many questions....

I think maybe also because I read nancy as a lesbian, so it's all very mixed up in personal feelings about the character, but of course none of that is explored because it's the last scene sooo

I think a sequel might actually do this a lot of good, because it sets up way more than it explores, but I don't think it will due to ahem... very bad ratings