#idk sometimes I start crying thinking abt my friends and I when we were like 12. the shit we'd do.

[basementg]

the 40% virgin tumblr user thing is actually really refreshing

[infiniteorangethethird]

hello remember when heartstopper season two came out and i sent you an ask about it?

so anyway, season three happened. have you seen it yet? how are we feeling? are you satisfied with what we got of isaac in s3? how do you feel about the season overall?

if you haven't seen it yet then uhh idk xd

how are you? how has this semester been treating you so far?

ok that's all i think. as usual, you answer when you answer (if you answer at all). bye :3

HI hello hi thank you for appearing in my inbox I've actually been wanting to reach out for a while now but alas I have been too Intimidated to say anything 😔

But in any case, I've actually just finished watching s3 yesterday ahsfdfksjdh and if I'm being honest, I... wasn't too satisfied with it, truth be told? Like don't get me wrong the story arcs we did get were very good and I'm glad the comics were done proper justice in the adaptation, but just... idk I was really looking forward to having an aspec storyline to relate to and see myself in, and the base concept of Isaac feeling like his friends are leaving him behind for their romantic partners is so relatable, but then it felt like the series itself seemed to have forgotten about that whole concept, and what we got was almost like reading one of those "what is asexuality?" pamphlets that are meant for people who don't even know what queer means.

I dunno, maybe I'm being mean here. After all, Heartstopper isn't about Isaac's story, this is acknowledged even with the original comics, so the fact that we get even this much in the show should already count for something. Still I can't help but feel like we were robbed of something that could have been so good if it got the proper time to develop into a full story. Idk.

That being said, I did enjoy the season overall! It was really great to see how life isn't just about cuddly romance and romance solving every issue on the surface of the planet. I esp liked Elle's trans-focused plotline and how it highlighted that sometimes you can love someone from the bottom of your heart and still not completely understand what they are going through (see: Tao) but you still have to try regardless. I did cry at a few parts tho like damn this season was emotional ahskdfjdh

Anyway, what are your thoughts abt s3? Did you like it? What are your thoughts on Isaac's arc?

The semester thus far has been okayish, not the best but def better than last year lol. I've started working on plans for after uni ends and damn thinking abt the future is stressful sometimes 😩 but hey if everything goes right I might be able to move out of the country in about a year, so I suppose that's nice (if not terrifying to think about)?

How are you doing? I'm sorry I never come to check in, I swear I want to but I never know what to say so I keep putting it off until suddenly it's been weeks and aaaaaaghuag why is social interaction so difficult 😭 anyways, how's your semester going? I hope ur doing at least mostly okay <2

[imperpetuallylost]

happy birthday, i’m sorry your day wasn’t the best! if you wanna talk about it, i’m always here for you! and if you’d prefer not to, here’s some love <3333

i think my form of talking abt it will just be complaining so heres a list of shit that happened today <3 thank you ily

my car wouldnt start

jumped it and eventually it started

we hadnt really shoveled enough so i couldnt get out of the driveway

i ended up having to get a ride to school and barely made it on time

like half my friends forgot it was my bday until reminded by someone else (i mean thats kinda whatever)

my laptop broke (ended up getting fixed by it but still a pain)

someone threw up in my chem class

also i broke a test tube in chem

somehow like half my class had lost their sense of smell and never got it back after having covid so i was like the only one that sat there the whole class nauseous from having to smell it even after they cleaned it up

were all gonna die if theres a gas leak bc no one will notice bc no one can smell shit

multiple classes sang at me bc yk ur friends always tell everyone but its always kinda miserable

my mom like filled my brothers car w balloons and wrote all over it for his 18th bday and did like nothing for me

to be fair i didnt have my car at school today but still she wasnt going to

also to be fair its bc my brother told her not to bc he hated it and i kinda wouldve hated it too but i also hated feeling like he got that and no one cared enough to do smthn for me

bought my first scratch ticket and didnt become a millionaire

won zero dollars

that one's not shocking at all

had to recompose myself after crying abt being a horrible ungrateful person bc i forgot to feed my dog so then i had to go downstairs and see my parents again when i had just been crying

one of like my two best friends has not wished me a happy birthday she has 24 more minutes and yes i am actively crying about that

she sucks at staying in touch sometimes even tho we still go to school together so im really worried abt staying in touvh w her next year :(

thats it ig like idk like no individual thing was that bad but today just felt like an onslaught

so far being an adult is like 2/10 would not recommend

[heartsoji]

CONGRATS JI ON 700 FOLLOWERS WOOHOO!1!!11! this calls for a huge celebration. 💯 i read the rules for your match-up event, and i'm warning you in advance. this is my first time participating in an event, so please dm me if i messed up. (　-̥̥̥◞ω◟-̥̥̥ )

name is phia. i like playing the piano, catching up with old friends, cute & pastel things, etc. my personality type is enfj1w9 (we also dm from time to time, so i think you have an idea of how i can be off of tumblr 💯). i'm female. straight. ^^

my love language is gift-giving. i like making gifts for my friends, buying my younger cousins toys with any money i have on me, and i pour my heart out in writing my loved ones' letters. i prefer cheek kisses over any other kind of kisses. i like pda. i can be a bit of a crybaby and sometimes impatient (bottom line is: i'm sensitive 😞).

also, i'd like the match-up to be someone from hq. ^^

THANK YOU IN ADVANCE, JI. ;D

I MATCH YOU UP WITH...

SUGAWARA KOSHI! "crap... i might just cry."

(pls that quote is so irrelevant but i thought of it bc u said u can be a bit of a crybaby)

moving on

UGS WOULD BE SUCH A CUTE WHOLESOME COUPLE

hes a very comforting (mommy) guy, and when you start crying, he knows just what to say and do to make you feel better! soothing words, a hand up and down your back, says and does just the right things to make wtv ur crying abt seem like the most important thing in the world

"you are so important to me, and (insert wtv u were crying abt here) is just as important. you are not a burden. (some comforting words specific to the scenario here) i love you so much, okay? please, come to me with your problems. i promise ill welcome them with open arms." or smth like that

additionally, as much as we love rintaro or tsukki and simp over them and write fics abt them they are NASTY BITCHES. its all in good fun when you write abt it, but smth like that irl might make me u cry LMFAOO. (we're the same person in that sense, phia.) he always makes sure that you're comfortable and feel safe!

hes also super dorky and playful, and has absolutely no problems with pda!

you're just casually taking a stroll, and suddenly you feel someone grab your hand, and when you go to look to see who it is, you get a peck to the cheek!

LOVES YOUR CHEEKS. loves pinching them. loves poking them. especially loves kissing them!

ur cooking smth? he comes up with a backhug and a kiss to the cheek! ur on ur phone? ahhh u look so cute! kiss to the cheek! doing literally anything anywhere? kiss to the cheek!

also love loves holding your hand. everywhere. anywhere.

going shopping? his left hand is in yours, his right holding your bags. sees you walking the halls at school? jogs to catch up with you and grabs your hand. just chilling at home on the sofa watching a movie? he's gripping your hand during all the scary parts.

(OK IM SORRY FOR ADDING THIS IN IN THE MIDDLE BUT DO U SEE WHERE I STARTED TALKING ABT HIS LOVE FOR YOUR CHEEKS?? I HAD NO IDEA THAT YOU WROTE SMTH ABT THAT. I WAS GOING BACK UP AT WHAT U WROTE AND SUDDENLY SAW THE CHEEK KISSES PART I HAD NO IDEA BUT ITS JUST SO HIM SO I WROTE IT OMG UGS R A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN AHHHH) sorry.

he likes teasing u. just a little! he just thinks that you're so cute and pretty and he gets all teasey and flirty sometimes!

one time he saw u in a cosplay and his jaw DROPPED and he started immediately complimenting u and showering u in love and kisses!

hes a very sentimental guy and cherishs everything you give him. he refuses letting u buy things (that wouldnt be very gentlemanly of me, he says) but cries over the love letters you write. has them pinned up on a board and whenever he feels sad, he goes over and looks at them to brighten him up.

ok so idk if you've seen that thing on yt where sugas va is a rly good singer, BUT HE IS. AND YOURE A GOOD SINGER. AND YOU PLAY THE PIANO.

do u see what im getting at here?

DUETS!!

you'd play the piano and add harmony and sing and he would sing his heart out and it would just be so fun

after spending a bit of time talking w u on dms, i can safely say that you're the sweetest person in the entire world. honda tohru reincarnated, essentially.

he finds that SO ENDEARING. just being with you makes his heart full and words aren't enough to express the crazy kind of love he feels for you.

event is closed!

[k-ky]

Do you have any Guti + Raul headcannon? If so could u share some of ur favs :D

OK HI so Raul first ever, and only game ban, came during his youth days in Atletico as a preteen, when he fist fought an opponent boy on the ground during the game. It was said the boy was actually Guti from the Real Madrid side. (I LOST THE SOURCE BUT I DESPERATELY WANT TO BELIEVE THIS THE BEST MEET CUTE EVER)

Anyways as history had it, a more grown up teenage Raul joined the youth RM team, which he was NOT initially welcomed by Guti, who tackled him during training and then told him to apparently "fuck off back to Atletico". Idk what happened but I guess they made up and became friends somewhere along the way hehe.

But this is when I have to introduce third wheel/love triangle/ prettiest friend Alvaro Benito.

He, Guti and Raul were a trio of besties and APPARTENTLY had amazing set pieces together in the youth team. Quoting, (and badly translating) Alvaro in this interview: With Raúl and Guti. We were very close friends and also three complementary lefties in different positions of the field. Guti fed me, and I fed Raul. Guti was very good in kicking balls with depth, where I could take advantage of my speed and me getting them to Raúl to score.

ONCE YOU RECOGNISE THIS GUY, you will see him EVERYWHERE in most photos of young Guti and Raul. They were rly besties (threesome)

Raul was the first of them to get promoted from the youth team, followed by Alvaro, and then lastly Guti (who was still benched most of the time while Alvaro and Raul was mostly starting 11 from the get go.) Bet your ass Guti was bitter af abt that knowing him, since he was with Real Madrid the longest. Unfortunately, a bad tackling during the youth national games to Alvaro left knee ended his career very early on, like within two years of Alvaro joining the main team. He had like EIGHT surgeries, one even in the USA, and then got into a CAR ACCIDENT, he was never the same since and couldn't play again. He still hangs out with Guti and Raul TO THIS DAY and sometimes play in charity matches with them, you can see Guti still pass to him and he tries to score (he seems rly good) but he seems to be really careful with his knee :(((

ANYWAYS back to Raul and Guti:

I find that the Spanish media POV of Raul is very different to the fandom (who isn't 100% spanish) POV because Raul seemed very political and temperamental IRL. He is constantly stirring up discourse and unrest in the team if he doesn't agree with the higher ups (re: his time in the Spain NT), giving the media sullen cold shoulders (he deadass sat there and glared at them in silence, his horoscope Cancer is showing) and literally got managers FIRED bc this guy will directly complain to Perez if he disagreed with you. THIS MAN IS A MENACE. Compared to Guti who literally just wanted to party and black out, and sometimes lost his cool on the pitch, Guti is considered the more laid back between the two for REAL.

Additionally, ofc them being co captains, (I'm convinced Guti disinterest in company politics was there to balance out Raul's rumored hunger for power), the fact Guti wanted to leave RM in the later years because of the Galaticos causing him to be benched alot, (other teams were trying to get him such as like Man Utd) and his waning motivation; but he stayed because Raul is here (HE SAID THIS IN AN INTERVIEW). And THAT MOMENT when Guti announced he was leaving RM, ONE DAY AFTER Raul said he was leaving. BC I GUESS IF RAUL ISNT HERE HE CANT BE ASSED????

And APPARENTLY Raul was crying watching Guti's farewell on TV (Guti didnt even cry lol) and he called him right after. And they still kept in touch after moving to Germany and Turkey respectively, because in an interview in Germany he said he was enjoying it there immensely "while my friend Guti does not like Turkey". (Ok visit him then.)

I think there are more but i cant rmb more rn i might rmb it after sajkdfhajksdfh anyways uh the families hang out tgt too Guti's son Aitor was at Raul's son Jorge's birthday party

Here’s Alvaro and Guti being 100% smashed and extremely sus tgt

I have so many photos of them I might do a picspam or smth tumblr has a limit of 10 photos lol

[all-doggirls-go-to-heaven-2]

Hey I got kinda emotional and into it here so. Skip this one if you dont care but if you're my friend idk read it see if it resonates or smth

I think ill never get over the feeling that im inept or a loser because its not the fact that I'm. You know. That. Its because before even making the comparison between this person's absolute best life and my sick week I already think that. Its bad to the point that whenever I see someone share good news abt. Anything. I get jealous

And like im rlly not trying to brag but I have a decent life by my standards. I have partners that love me but don't require my affection constantly, so when I kinda shut down for 9 hours as I often do no one freaks out. I have sex quite often! (Not right now because im sick and slowly losing my mind) (and yeah this is childish but im very hypersexual and if I did not have this it would be bad for the mind) like there are people who consider me a sexy being and want to have sex with me and then we do.that. often in trios which is such a thing that my 16-year old me would have said NICE!!! To me and now its kinda of the norm for me. When its not just me n my gf having like casual fun sex its a threesome. And that fucking rules!!! I have money now!!! Saved!!!! Im moving out in like four months!!!! I already bought like paintings and tables and shit. Im finishing uni and can go pursue my dreams of becoming a film professor!!!! My art constantly gets praise!!!! And yeah, we kinda got fucked festival season because we botched some documentation but I made people cry!!! With my writing and camera work!!!! And I did that with my friends, too!! No sellout shit, no contracting a pro to get good shots, no youtube tutorial bullshit, i got three people that really liked each other and we made a fucking movie!!! And people cried watching it!!!! Like I got a legacy now. Even if its a small, insignificant one, its a fucking legacy!!! Its there!!! I can like crochet now!!! And im good at it!!!! Better than my fucking aunt who mocked the stuff I made back then!!!! And I make money selling it?? Online??? To friends??? Thats fucking cool as hell!!! Im feeling pretty? Like actually pretty? Not in a fabricated, made up, photoshopped version of me but like. I look in the mirror and I see a girl. Shes kinda messy and probably needs to brush her teeth more but its a girl. I pass all the time??? Old people call me little missy and shit. And yet I have not lost the transfem swag.

Sure, maybe some shit is bad. Sometimes you feel like drowning. Still not quite over that one breakup. Sometimes there's nothing to do. Sometimes your friends are having way more fun than you and you have no excuse to not be having fun. Sometimes uni is suffocating. Sometimes you love people so intensely that you start hating them when they dont like you as intensely as you do them. Sometimes you still put other's happiness over your comfort or safety. Sometimes you still romanticize things to make it seems like you're a less boring person than you think you are. Sometimes you need more affection than you're getting from your partners and you simply stay quiet, because you fear you're becoming like your abusers. You still havent gotten over the "I was heavily emotionally abused for the better part of a month" and recovery should have ended by now. They moved on. Why haven't you? Why do you still think of them? Why everytime someone thinks the kind of sex you have is weird you remember them telling you that and then doing it anyway? You're still the black sheep of the family. No matter how many intense life-ending fuckups your cousins fuck up, you'll still be the worst one. Because you were supposed to be perfect, to study overseas, to be the golden child. And you failed. Sometimes you wonder if you're wasting your life trying to be happy. Sometimes you wonder if you even can be. Sometimes you cry because you're sure you cant

And we just.... gotta keep on living. Trying, succeeding and failing to be happy. To have my needs met. Isnt that what its all about?

[thelasttime]

hi madie! nobody asked but i just want to share abt my life lately. Idk what’s wrong with this year but it keeps getting worst lmao. so i’m the same anon who got ghosted by the guy i met on tinder a few months back (after my birthday, to be exact). i started dating again after 3 mos of healing, this time a guy from work. We dated for 2 mos (june-august). Our dates were realllly nice, there were LOTS of pda and holding my hands and hugs and stuff. i remember on our first date he asked me if we could date exclusively (which i thought was too early back then) and i agreed. only for him to take it back on our second date. he said that he was emotional when he said that and that we should get to know each other first and be friends first (with holding hands and hugs and pda) to which i also agreed to (idiot). And that we should still be open to talking to other people. I really wanted him to be my first bf (because he didn’t have exes either). We both don’t have experience in relationships. But as time went on, he started feeling distant. Whenever i asked him abt us, he was always so unsure. He said he still don’t know if we’re compatible enough bc we have so many similarities. That really hurt. So i ended it a month ago. And when i sent the message about ending it, his response was “no hard feelings, ok?” And it sucks so much bc im the only one who seems to be hurting even though im the one who ended it. After crying for a whole month, I messaged him again last week (i knoww, im sorry i couldnt help it) and telling him i missed him (cringe) and asked him if he was just keeping me around before bc i was convenient to him and i also asked him if he just waited for me to end it. He responded and said “no, i think the feelings just slowly faded away.” Idk what to feel. I wish I never let him hold my hand or hug me. That’s what makes it even harder, to think that you were both acting like you’re together. Sometimes i think maybe dating isn’t for me. Or maybe i just keep choosing the wrong guy.

Im so sorry about this long ass ask, i just wanted to share what’s going on lately. Your blog feels like a safe space to me, tbh.

hi bestie :( it’s easy to get caught up in the really good feelings when they’re happening and even easier when the person is reassuring you!! i don’t think this is on you - you were just following what was happening and it’s on him for being so unclear and vague. i actually think it’s fine that you reached out again, if it helped you get closure and feel some sense of finality or clarity then that’s all worth it. do try dating again but take it at your own pace this time. know that it’s important to follow your heart and the good feelings but also to make sure you’re listening to your head too

[bunnys-vent-blog]

i feel like you guys haven't heard bunny lore so here is some cause why the hell not:

discussion of se*ual topics and a tiny bit of swearing btw

so last yr I had a bf and we dated for the best part of 7 months and he was a bit odd sometimes (refused to turn on location on snap, and never said where he was going if he said he was not there for the weekend, etc) but I ignored all that cause I was so so happy to have someone actually liking me (I get asked out as a joke all the time cause I'm a bit odd) then one day while I was on holiday I messaged him asking to call cause I had not heard from him in a bit and wanted to see how he was doing! well, he told me that we should break up cause I was going too slow for him (I started crying and shaking when he tried to kiss me)(I have undiagnosed something idk)( he had also drank half a bottle of straight tequila at the time and I had to carry him down the hill after...I'm 5'3 and he's 6'4)(anyways) and that we should break up.i was heartbroken and sobbed the rest of the holiday.THEN the next day a guy from my art class who I must of spoken to like twice ever messaged me with a screenshot of my ex saying that he was high as hell (he had a wee bit of a drug habit icl) and was sad cause he had cheated on me EIGHT TIMES. for backstory on the girl (it was one grl every time) he told me she was like a sister to him, I had her on snap and talked to her almost every day cause she seemed really sweet, he had told me pretty soon after we started dating that him and her had shagged before cause she hated her boyfriend (BTW THE BOYFRIEND WAS HIS BEST FRIEND!?) and that he felt awful about doing that to his best friend. i was a bit weirded out but decided to ignore this massive red flag cause once again I was so happy that someone actually liked me. back to the main story... i was raging when I heard this cause I rlly liked this girl and she seemed so nice but even tho she knew I was dating the guy and that I'm a bit mentally not alright she went ahead and shagged him. a few weeks later just to rub it in my face THEY GOT ENGAGED.the engagement announcement was a pic of a shitty Poundland looking ring (poundland is like british dollar tree) with the caption "guess I'm better than miku" miku referring to me cause I would always yap abt her. i was so sad abt this cause wtf. anyway school started again and the stories i heard abt those two were mad (all true) the weirdest ones to name a few: she sent him nudes 3 times a day, they shagged in the back of his mums van, they shagged while she was on her period and best of all HE FINGERED HIMSELF WHILE THINKING ABT HER CAUSE HE WAS SO HRNY( he was bi and seemed to think this was a good plan?) anyway the school thought the engagement was hilarious and he got sent a bunch of congratulations cards including one that a girl in my year wrote poor BUNNY (not actually my name) on in massive letters then handed to him lmao.....anyway the whole point of telling you all this was that yk how they both cheated to get with each other...SHE CHEATED ON HIM AND THEY BROKE UP and its so funny to watch him mope around the school looking sorry for himself like SERVES U RIGHT U TWAT

sorry for spelling and stuff i just thought it was funny

[taintedcigs]

LETS FUCKING GOOO. AND I CAN QUOTE THIS TIME. HEHEHEHHE!

He could’ve been the one for you if it wasn’t for Steve. He could’ve been.  You could’ve loved him. You could’ve. JUST BARELY INTO THE CHAPTER AND IM ALREADY THINKING ABT KILLINGMYSELF JESUS. FIRST OF ALL EDDIE SHE LOVES YOU OH MYGOD. OPEN UR EYES!'!!!!!

“She’s not some girl, she’s my best friend.” “And you have feelings for her,” he says, stating the obvious. Eddie licks his lips, he had never admitted it to anyone before, he had only admitted it to himself. He looks at him and nods weakly, afraid to say these words out loud.  SHUT UPPP. DIMITRI IS SO MUCH SMARTR THAN OUR LITTLE IDIOTS AND I LUV HES THE FIRST PERSON EDDIE CAN ADMIT THIS TO. BC LIKE ITS EASIER TO TELL IT TO SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING!!!

Then there is Heather. He is scared of Heather.  heather is a real ass bitch!!!

"You wouldn’t have left her for someone else, would you?” No, Eddie would never do this to you. Eddie would rather get his heart broken than be the one to break yours. “Never.” STOOOOPPP IM AVTUALLY CRYING. HE'S SO CUTE I JUST WANNA HUG HIM >:( NO ONE SHOULD GET THEIR HEART BROKEN. PLS STEDDIE X READER PULL THROUUGHHH.

“I’m pretty sure I failed math class because of her, she was always next to me – she always chose the seats next to me, I’m certain that she wasn’t even aware that she was doing it but she was there and I was there, and she was so focused on class while I spent the whole hour just staring at her. We weren’t friends back then but she always smiled at me even though we never really talked until last summer. We spent a night together after she had gotten into a fight with her boyfriend and then, she started paying more attention to me in school and then we became friends and then we got closer and closer and my plan to never catch feelings flew out the window,” IM ACTUALLY CRYING OVER THIS. OH OUR LITTLE LOVESICK PUPPY. I LUV HIM SSOO MUCH YOUR HONOR. UGH THEY ALL DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. IM GONNA DIE.

“The babysitter who is secretly dating both the mom and the dad,” he says with a smirk. LMAO. I THOUGHT THE DYNAMIC WOULD BE THE DUNGEON MASTER, THE QUEEN AND KING OF HAWKINS HIGH BUT IM LOVING BABYSITTER AND MOM AND DAD SO MUCH MOREEE

That night, he had put a ring on your middle finger, promising that the next one would be on your ring finger, only to crush your heart weeks later when he told you that he wasn’t in love with you anymore, that he fell in love with her. OH THIS STILL PISSED NE OFF SO MUCH YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS STEVIE!!! SMH MEN ALWAYS GIVING PROMISES AND NEVER FULFILLING THEM.

“Uh, well, Eddie rarely plays nowadays, he’s busy with work and the band but yeah, sure. You two should spend some time together.”  Steve raises his brows. Him and Eddie, spending time together? Eddie hates his guts. And, Steve doesn’t even blame him for it. But, he’s not a big fan of him either. Eddie has something that he wants back. EVERYBODY CLAM DWON EVERYBODY (ME) CALM DOWN STEDDIE X READER MIGHT HAPPEN. EVERYBODY. CALM. TF. DOWN.

“Maybe we can go back there sometime,” he whispers with hope in his heart.  “Yeah, maybe…” Though, while he sounds hopeful, you sound uncertain. And he knows, the reason isn't your past. But something, someone else. ANDY. YOU LITTLE MINX. HOW DARE U ENDIT RIGHT THERE OH MY FUCKING GOD

JDHGFDHJDFG IM SOOO. THIS WAS THE EPRFECT AMOUNT OF ANGST. I JUST CANNNOT WAIT FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER. IMSOSO EXCITED. TO SEE EVERYTHING UNFOLD. ESPECIALLY WSTEVE!S BDAY. AJHGRJHRG IM GONNA DIE.

ALSO IDK WHAT ELSE I EXPECTED FROM A RWYLM INSPIRED CHAPTER. BUT LIKE. I JUST THOUGHT WE WERE LISTENING TO TAYLOR SWIFT!!! I DIDNT THINK OF THE CONSEQUENCESSSS. PLS FIX THIS WITH LOTS OF FLUFF NEXT CHAPTER BFF.

I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss | part twenty five

Warnings: angst, mentions of heartbreak, mentions of unrequited love. love triangle. not proofread

Pairings: Steve Harrington x fem!reader | Eddie Munson x fem!reader

Summary: As the summer is starting to come to an end, you begin to understand your feelings a little more. While Steve and Eddie struggle with their own.

Word count: 4.8k

A/N: So, I know I said that this would be the birthday chapter but I decided to split it! Do the angst first and give you the fluff later. I'd need much more time to finish it and I really wanted to give you guys something, so here ya go, enjoy it. Next chapter is gonna be silly, it’s gonna be fun (after a little angst in the beginning hehe)

Also for those who forgot who Dmitri is, it’s ‘Enzo’ from season 4.

oh and also, listen to this one while you read this chapter :')

series masterlist

-

The strong smell of oil lingers in the air, loud noises fill the large hall, laughter and chatter from the break room, the music from the radio at the front desk, yet none of the sounds manage to distract Eddie from the storm that is taking place in his mind. 

Your words keep repeating themselves over and over again. 

I wish I met you first, Eddie. 

That night, he laid next to you and watched you sleep, thinking about your words, over and over again. He could not make sense of them. 

What does it mean? 

He could not even ask you what it meant, after you had said it, he was too shocked to even say anything, at that moment. He could only stare at you, his heart racing, his eyes wide as he watched you stare at his lips. His first instinct was to swoon over these few simple words, over the way you had looked at him, over the way you had showed up at his place because you missed him, over the way you rather wanted to be with him than at a party or somewhere else. 

I wish I met you first, Eddie. 

Does that mean that you would’ve been with him if you met him first? 

Does that mean that he would’ve been the one for you? 

Does that mean that you could’ve fallen for him instead? 

That he could’ve had a chance?

In some way, you must feel something for him. It’s something that he never fully allowed himself to question, if you have feelings for him or not, he can’t get his hopes up, not when it comes to you. You are too perfect, too out of reach. You love Steve, you still love Steve, he knows it. Yet, your words made him question everything. Your friendship, the intimacy, the lingering touches, the stolen glances, your affection. But, that is all something that has been there from the start. It has always been so natural for you to be so close with him. It’s not something new, it might not even be anything special to you. Eddie might not be anything special to you, not the way Steve is, at least. 

He could’ve been the one for you if it wasn’t for Steve. 

He could’ve been. 

You could’ve loved him. You could’ve. 

“What’s with that long face?” Dmitri asks, his voice thick with the russian accent that everyone keeps teasing him for. With a slap on Eddie’s shoulder, he snaps him out of his thoughts, “pass me the screwdriver, boy.”

Eddie nods, not answering the question. He reaches for the tool, he hands it to the older man. Dmitri looks curious as he eyes the expression on his face but Eddie knows that he won’t ask. He’ll wait for him to speak up himself. But, that is something that Eddie usually never does. He’s never one to talk about his feelings, to ask for help or even advice, until now. 

“Can I ask you something?” 

“Sure,” Dmitri mumbles, pulling away from the chevy, he flips the tool in his hand, leaning against the truck.

As Eddie thinks about the question that has been lingering in his mind, all weekend, he suddenly feels stupid. No answer will be one that he wants to hear. 

“Forget it,” Eddie mumbles.

Dmitri raises his brows. 

“Spit it out, come on.”

Eddie sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. He hates this. He hates talking about his feelings, but he needs to. 

“There’s uh, there’s this girl.” 

“Ah, I knew it,” he chuckles. “It’s always about some girl when someone mops around all day and looks like this.”

Eddie rolls his eyes. 

“She’s not some girl, she’s my best friend.”

“And you have feelings for her,” he says, stating the obvious. 

Eddie licks his lips, he had never admitted it to anyone before, he had only admitted it to himself. He looks at him and nods weakly, afraid to say these words out loud. 

“Yeah, but uh, she’s still in love with her ex boyfriend, who she’s friends with again,” he rolls his eyes. “Last Friday, she came to me, drunk and high and telling me how much she missed me and then she said something that’s been messing with my mind all fucking weekend!” 

Eddie isn’t sure why he is telling him all that. Dmitri is friends with Wayne, a colleague and not even someone he’d consider a friend. But, maybe that’s what he needs, to talk to someone who is not a friend. 

He considered talking to Robin but, knowing her, she’d only pick Steve’s side again and tell Eddie to take a step back. 

Then, there is Gareth, who would only tease him about his crush on you and not be of any help. 

Jeff would only give him false hope and encourage him to make a move on you, that is something that could potentially ruin your friendship, and that is something that is way too important to him. Chrissy would do just the same. The girl who had been snappy with him at first, won’t stop teasing him about his crush on you now. 

Then there is Heather. He is scared of Heather. 

“She told me that she wished that she met me first. What does it even mean? That we could’ve been something if we met first?” He asks, throwing his hands up as he voices his questions out loud for the first time. “We can’t be anything now because she’s already in love with him? Because she could never love me after loving him?” Eddie buries his hands in his curls, huffing. “Jesus Christ, I made peace with the fact I can never have her but fuck, she goes and says this.”

“You are way too negative, boy. Has anyone ever told you that? Who says that you can’t have her?” 

“I’m not negative, I’m just seeing things the way they are.” 

Dmitri shakes his head, scrunching his face up in disapproval. 

“No, you are seeing things the way you want to see them because you refuse to believe that she could ever love you,” he says, pointing at him with the screwdriver. “You see her words negatively without even knowing what she actually meant.”

Eddie shakes his head, stubbornly. 

“Tell me,” Dmitri sighs. “That guy, her ex boyfriend, did he break her heart?” 

“Fucking crushed it,” Eddie frowns. “He left her for another girl. She was – she was so heartbroken, I think she still is.”

He nods, “alright, well, she went through heartbreak and a lot of hurt. But, now she has you. Maybe, she loves you, maybe she is even in love with you but she’s scared just like you are. She’s scared of losing you as a friend, of getting her heart broken again, the trust isn’t there anymore after she’s been left for someone else. Maybe she wants to be with you but she is struggling. If she met you first, she would’ve never been with him, in the first place, she wouldn’t have gotten her heart broken, she would’ve loved you fearlessly and you would’ve loved her too, you wouldn’t have left her for someone else, would you?” 

No, Eddie would never do this to you. Eddie would rather get his heart broken than be the one to break yours. 

“Never.”

“See, things could’ve been so simple if she met you first, that’s what she was trying to say. But now, she has all these fears and all these trust issues and probably thinks she isn’t good enough – just what you are dealing with too, Eddie. I don’t know your girl but I’m sure she’s worth fighting for. And, from what Wayne told me about you two, you seem to make each other happy.” 

Eddie’s eyes widen, he is stunned. 

Wayne talks about the two of you? 

He doesn’t know how to feel about Dmitri’s words, knowing that they might hold more false hope than the actual truth for him. 

But, Eddie knows, he feels that there is something. And yet, even if, your feelings for Steve will always be stronger. 

“But she still loves him.”

“Was he her first love?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Ah,” he nods. “Well, you know what? First love is always gonna be something special. I would know.”

Eddie raises his brows at him. 

“I used to be married.” 

Eddie’s head snaps up, he looks at him in surprise, “wait, really? I never knew.”

Dmitri chuckles, shrugging, “well, it’s not important anymore.”

“Why aren’t you together anymore?” 

Dmitri sighs, he places the tool back on the table, reaching for the hanky in his pocket, he looks down at his oil stained hands and begins to clean them.

“Things just didn’t work out. She met someone else, fell in love and uh our marriage was just history.” 

“Oh,” Eddie frowns. 

“Yeah, and you know what? I hated her for a while, she hurt me. But I let go, I moved on and I accepted that I will always love her, despite how much I hated her for the first few months after she left. You can’t erase the past, we used to have something good before it all went wrong. She was special to me and even now, it’s something special when I look back on the good moments. But, never in a million years would I go back to it again or leave my girlfriend for her if she ever wanted me back. The past is the past. And first love is rarely ever true love.” 

Eddie understands what he is trying to say, yet somehow, he struggles to believe that you could ever move on from Steve. 

“Don’t give up, Eddie. She won’t always be hung up on him.” 

“Yeah,” Eddie mumbles. Though, he can’t help but struggle to believe it. Maybe it’s his stubborn mind that can’t let go of the idea of you being unable to let go of Steve for someone like him or maybe, he is just too afraid to get his hopes up only to lose not only his heart but also his mind at the end of it all. 

“Have you ever been in love? I mean, besides with her?” Dmitri asks Eddie, who furrows his brows and shakes his head. 

“Nah, not really,” Eddie mumbles, snorting as he thinks back to his younger self. The one who closed himself off completely, never letting anyone in to even see a glimpse of the real Eddie. “It was never for me, love. I mean, I had a few crushes here and there but it was never anything serious, you know? But shit, I always watched her when we were still in high school,” Eddie says, not even feeling the smile that is creeping up on his face as he thinks back to those days. “I’m pretty sure I failed math class because of her, she was always next to me – she always chose the seats next to me, I’m certain that she wasn’t even aware that she was doing it but she was there and I was there, and she was so focused on class while I spent the whole hour just staring at her. We weren’t friends back then but she always smiled at me even though we never really talked until last summer. We spent a night together after she had gotten into a fight with her boyfriend and then, she started paying more attention to me in school and then we became friends and then we got closer and closer and my plan to never catch feelings flew out the window,” he says, dramatically. 

Dmitri chuckles at Eddie, shaking his head. 

“What’s life without love, Eddie?” 

“Less suffering?” He mumbles. 

“Well, yeah. Some people get lucky though.”

Eddie fears that he won’t be one of those who will ever get lucky, especially when it comes to love. 

But maybe, maybe there is just the smallest sliver of hope inside of him. 

-

August is coming to an end, the summer days are slowly passing, fall is coming closer and so is Steve’s birthday. It’s tomorrow. It’s been a while since you had last seen him. It’s been a while since you had hung out with him in a group, let alone. The past few weeks, you have spent a lot of time by yourself, you needed it, you needed it to collect your feelings. Robin was right. 

Though, you could not stay away from Eddie for too long. He is your best friend, you can’t be without him and you won’t let your feelings ruin yet another friendship. 

Despite the distance between you and Steve, you made it a mission to go on a hunt for the perfect birthday present for him. It’s something that Heather rolled her eyes at when you told her about it, this morning. ‘Who in their right mind would buy their ex boyfriend a birthday present?’ She had asked, scoffing. Really, no one would do that, no one except for you. But you and Steve, you have a history that you can’t and don’t want to erase. Not only was he your best friend, once. He was also there when you needed him, when he didn’t even have to be there. 

He gave you a birthday present and he kept up the tradition the two of you had. 

You know that he isn’t alone anymore, that he has Dustin and Robin now, people who care for him, people who love him and won’t leave him hanging on a day like this, but you still want to do something that you used to do when you were still.. friends. 

“I’m telling you, y/n, the Star Wars movie collection would be the best decision ever!” 

Dustin exclaims as he walks through the downtown streets next to you. 

“Dustin, I know you’re a little Star Wars geek but there’s just no way that he will be happy to unwrap a collection of movies that he’s not even a fan of!” 

Dustin rolls his eyes at you, “listen, if there’s someone that can turn him into a ‘Star Wars geek’ then that’s you!” 

“But I’m not a Star Wars geek,” you mumble, furrowing your brows at the boy. 

“Then you and Steve can become geeks together,” he smiles enthusiastically. “You could have movie nights, just watch Star Wars together,” he winks. 

You shake your head at him. 

“I see what you’re trying to do and you’re really no help, Dustin.” 

“I’m not doing anything,” he feigns innocence. “You need a birthday present for Steve and asked for help, so that’s what I’m doing, I’m trying to help.” 

“Well, I was thinking I’d get him a cool bracelet–” “Boring!” He yawns. 

“Hey!” You frown, raising your hand, you ruffle his curls, making him groan in annoyance. 

“Stop!” 

You chuckle at him when he slaps your hand away. Pointing at you with a stern look on his face, “you really need to stop ruining my hair!” 

“Don’t worry, the Farrah Fawcett spray holds your perfect hairstyle together, Dusty bun.” You giggle. “How’s Suzie doing, by the way?” 

He rolls his eyes again, sighing, dramatically. 

“You’re like the older sister I never wanted.” 

You gasp, putting your hand over your heart, “ouch, I thought you liked me.” 

“I do, and I don’t even know why,” he jokes, giggling when you pretend to cry. 

“You only like me cause I drive you around when your mama Steve is working.” 

He laughs, throwing his head back. 

“If he is the mom, then what does that make you and Eddie?” 

You furrow your brows, looking up as you pretend to think, “hmm, Eddie is the chaotic dad and I’m uh, I dunno, the cool babysitter.”

“The babysitter who is secretly dating both the mom and the dad,” he says with a smirk. 

“Dustin!” You exclaim as you halt in your tracks, while he keeps walking, laughing when he turns around to look at you, he keeps working backwards. 

“You should’ve seen your face!” 

“Very funny!”

He stops walking when he notices something in the window at the video store, “ooh, look, Star Wars! I’m gonna check it out, you should too!” He says before he turns around and rushes into the store. 

You roll your eyes, groaning. You’re about to follow him inside the store, when your eyes fall on the couple leaving the restaurant across the street. Enzo’s. You have only been there once. Steve took you there on a date, it was an amazing night, you remember every detail of it. How he gave you the prettiest bouquet of flowers that you had ever seen when he picked you up, how he kissed you and told you how beautiful you looked when you wore a midnight blue dress, how sweet and nice he was, so different from the night before when you fought at his party. He was a gentleman that night, he held you softly, he kissed you gently, he held your hand at the restaurant and he only looked at you, not at the young waitress that kept trying to throw him glances. He only looked at you because you were the one he wanted. That night, he had put a ring on your middle finger, promising that the next one would be on your ring finger, only to crush your heart weeks later when he told you that he wasn’t in love with you anymore, that he fell in love with her. 

That night has haunted you for weeks and months after he had dumped you. Every night, you glared at the ceiling, thinking about the things he had said to you that night, the promises he made, the hope he gave, the love he gave. How you had sat there so pathetically in love not knowing that only days later he would meet her. 

You feel even more pathetic now because it still hurts, because it still shakes the ground beneath you, because it still feels like it just happened yesterday when you think back to that day. It shouldn’t hurt anymore, at least not like this but you get sucked back into the past so easily. 

All it ever took was to hear his name to feel the pain all over again. But months have passed, things have changed, you have changed and it all got a little easier. You’re even friends again. 

But now, it’s the memories, the one that you have locked away, the ones that are still holding you back. 

As you stare at the restaurant, realization floods through you like a cold wave that would make you gasp and shudder. 

You haven’t let go of them, of the memories, of the past, of the old him. Even after so many months, even after making yourself and everyone else believe that you had let go, you never really did. And that is the cause of all of the messes in your head and in your heart. The past keeps calling for you, the past keeps pulling you back. 

You feel stuck. You are stuck. You are still stuck in the past. 

It’s why you can’t move on, it’s why you can’t find happiness, it’s why you can’t find yourself in this timeline because you are stuck in a time that no longer exists. 

You never let go, you never let go of him, you never let go of the anger and the pain that is rooted so deeply inside of you. It’s not even his fault, it’s your own, because you couldn’t let go of all the memories you have made with him, good and bad. 

You have a second chance with him now, you gave him one, despite how wrong it was to do so, you gave him and your friendship a second chance because you did not want to lose him again. He is right in front of you and he is trying, he is trying to be good, he is trying to be your friend. Yet, you kept holding onto something that died a long time ago.

Dustin calls your name, but you are still staring at the restaurant. 

“Hey,” Dustin waves his hand in front of you, watching you in concern, “you… okay?”

You snap out of your thoughts, blinking. You clear your throat, looking into Dustin’s worried eyes, “y-yeah!” 

He looks back, checking out what you’ve been staring at for so long. 

“You uh, don’t plan on buying him a restaurant do you?” 

You crack a smile, shaking your head at the young teen. 

“Come on, I gotta show you something, you’re gonna love it!” He grins as he grabs your hand and drags you into the store, pulling you away from something that had thrown your world upside down, yet again. 

-

The window is open in his room, the cold breeze kisses his skin, distant thunder crashes through the sky but lighting is yet to be seen. The room is silent, as is the rest of the house, as always. Steve is sitting on his bed, his eyes keep flickering back and forth between the watch on his nightstand and the telephone. 

He is waiting, waiting for something that might not happen this year. 

It’s almost midnight. It’s almost his birthday. 

He is willing you to call. He needs you to. He needs to hear your voice, it’s been too long since he had last heard you, since he had last seen you. You had distanced yourself from everyone for a moment, but especially from him. Robin had told him that you needed it, that you needed some time to yourself. And while he understood why, he still felt sad when you stopped showing up at Scoops Ahoy every lunch break. 

He glances at the watch. The clock strikes 12, but the phone isn’t ringing and he fears that it won’t at all. He knew it wouldn’t. He knew you wouldn’t call. Yet, he can’t help but feel disappointment sinking through him. This will be the first year without a call from you at midnight on his birthday. 

He closes his eyes. 

His parents aren’t here, and they won’t be when he wakes up in the morning. They won’t be here, he already knows it. Despite the promise that they had made, he knows they won’t show up. And this time, you won’t be here either. 

For the first time in a while, he feels like crying again. 

It’s 12:01 when the shrill sound of the ringing telephone almost makes him jump up from his bed. He opens his eyes, staring at it for a second before he picks up the phone with a pounding heart and hope in his eyes. 

“Hello?”

For a moment, he can only hear his racing heart and silence on the other line. 

“Hey.”

It’s you. 

You called him, after all. 

“Happy birthday, Steve,” you whisper in a way that mends his hurting heart in an instant. 

He blinks the tears away that have threatened to fall just seconds ago. 

“T-Thank you, Dolly,” he whispers. “I didn’t think you’d call.”

“I always call.” 

“Yeah, but.. things are different now. I’d understand if you didn’t call,” he says, though he wanted nothing more than to hear your voice. For weeks, he had craved to see you, to hear your voice, to feel your presence. But especially tonight, because this used to be something special to you and him. 

You are quiet. For a long minute, you don’t say anything. Steve can tell that you are struggling. 

“But we’re friends, right?” 

“Yes, we’re friends,” he whispers, sadly. 

He pictures the look on your face, right now. He thinks that it matches the sad one on his.

“I missed you,” Steve whispers. 

He can hear your breath hitching in your throat. 

“I missed you too.”

That alone, is enough to make his heart flutter in his chest. You missed him.

You clear your throat. 

“S-So are you throwing a big party tomorrow?” 

Steve lays back, letting himself fall into the soft pillows. 

“No, I think I’m done with those.” 

There haven’t been many parties that ever brought him anything good. Most of them ended badly for him. 

“Oh, but you always used to throw birthday parties.”

He can hear the frown in your voice and he can’t help but smile at that. 

“I’m getting old,” he jokes. 

You laugh at his words, not knowing that the sound of it causes his heart to beat wildly. 

“Oh yeah, you’re such an old man, Harrington,” you tease. “How’d you manage to keep the good looks?” You ask with a giggle. 

His eyes widen and his cheeks heat up. He can feel the blush on his cheeks now. 

“I uh– well, I eat healthy and I work out,” he mumbles, scrunching his face up. 

“You work out, huh? Just when you leave the basketball team, you start working out even more.”

He chuckles. He raises his hand towards his hair, running his fingers through it. 

“Well, I get bored after work and when Robin and Dustin aren’t around to be little shitheads, I use the gym that my dad built for no reason. That old man never uses it.” 

You snort. 

“You should start playing DnD with the guys.” 

“You mean with Eddie?” Steve asks, rolling his eyes. 

“Uh, well, Eddie rarely plays nowadays, he’s busy with work and the band but yeah, sure. You two should spend some time together.” 

Steve raises his brows.

Him and Eddie, spending time together?

Eddie hates his guts. And, Steve doesn���t even blame him for it. But, he’s not a big fan of him either. Eddie has something that he wants back. 

The thought of spending time with him seems like something out of a fever dream. 

“I think you’d actually get along if you both tried.” 

He frowns at your words, shaking his head as though you can see him. 

“Uh, yeah, I’m sorry but no.” 

“You’re both so stubborn, I swear. Trust me, you’re not that much different from each other – Eddie also loves KFC.” 

Steve snorts at your words, rolling his eyes. 

“Did it traumatize you when he took you to KFC for the first time? You know, cause you always hated it so much when I took you there?” 

You giggle. 

“Oh, it was so traumatizing, Steve. I almost had a panic attack.” 

“Always so dramatic, honey,” he says so naturally. 

“You know me.”

You are both smiling, both laying in your beds as you talk on the phone for the first time in forever. This used to be a regular thing a long time ago.

“How are you?” He asks the question that has been lingering on his mind forever. “I haven’t seen you since we met up for lunch.” When Robin had crushed the ‘date’ that he was looking forward to. 

“I’m... good.” 

“Are you?” 

“Yeah,” you whisper. “I’m good.” 

Steve had wondered what went wrong. That day you had met up with him, you seemed so nervous, so anxious and worried. He could not ask you back then, he didn’t want to pressure you. And then, you and Robin had disappeared. When she came back without you and she told him that you needed some time to yourself, that he should stay away from you for a little while, he couldn’t help but feel sick with worry. 

“Robin said you needed some time to yourself, are you okay?” 

“Yeah. I-I uh, I just needed to be alone for a little.”

“Oh.” 

Alone. Alone but with Eddie. 

“So, what are you doing for your birthday if you’re not throwing a party?”

“I’m gonna have dinner with my parents.” 

“Oh! They’re gonna be there?” You ask, surprised. 

“Yeah,” Steve says, knowing that they won’t be there. He wishes you would be there. He wishes that he could spend the day with you. But he can’t ask, knowing that you will say yes only because you won’t be able to say no. 

“That’s nice, Steve.” You say. In a way, it sounds like there is something else you want to tell him. 

“Yeah..”

“D-Do you remember when we went to Enzo’s, last year?” You ask after a beat of silence.

“Yes, of course, I remember,” he says so simply, like he didn’t crush your heart weeks after giving false hope and promises he never kept. 

You’re quiet, again. And despite not seeing you, he knows that you’re sad when he feels his heart clenching. 

“It was.. one of the best dates I’ve ever been on, Steve.” 

Your voice has changed so suddenly, it sounds sick with sadness. 

He remembers it, he remembers it just the way you do. 

Right now, he wants nothing more than to go back to that night, just to see you smile again, just to feel your touch again, just to be with you again. He wants to go back to a night where you had still loved him, where he hadn’t ruined anything yet. 

“Maybe we can go back there sometime,” he whispers with hope in his heart. 

“Yeah, maybe…”

Though, while he sounds hopeful, you sound uncertain.

And he knows, the reason isn't your past. But something, someone else.

-

taglist for friends and mutuals

@taintedcigs @hellfire--cult @mysticmunson @littledemondani @wroteclassicaly @succubusmunson @trashmouth-richie @xxhellfirebunnyxx @corrodedcorpses @corrodedseraphine @somethingvicked @sherrylyn628 @take-everything-you-can @nemesis729 @chrissymjstan

[dargiemarif]

Things:

My wall

My apple seeds in the shape of a heart my mom gave to me taped to my wall since I was little

A plushie I don't have

A shirt I kinda have but it's not that long

Me my fursona a genet

My weighted blanket

My bed

ok drawing this was calming cause I was crying all day over two things, ones a friendship thing no one needs to know except me and them and the other is being a shut in loser for my whole life,,

This piece was kinds meant to show that with a tried childlike vibe cause I'm stuck young mentally

I've always been online kind of, like I started being online probably when i was 6..? 7?

I'd watch lps and minecraft videos and stay up late secretly...

Then I got catsim and met my first online friends .. it was in 2016 I think

Skye is one I'm still upset about, I'm still upset I want to find her to know she's ok

My friendgroup then were older than me I'm guessing, and they were real depressed and displayed such by what they would say. I'd try to help and cheer them up but it was scary by some things they'd say. I still love them.. I remember harper and skye and that's about it.. honestly then I did kinda have an identity crisis somehow or someway, I'd pretend to be different people that's embarrassing..sorry catsim friends I'm much happier with being just me now.

I remember me and harper pretending to throw candy at eachother in the game lol??

And skye taught me about thst one egg riddle

And there was the wall, the sink, the hammer

Yea but then there was a catsim glitch going around where you couldn't join multi-player anymore and it happened to me and I was little so I didn't understand I could just.. delete the app and try to find them again which would be better than just waiting everyday and crying for it to work lol.

The first time i harmed myself I was fighting a gorilla boss and my grandma was stressing me out

I got her sharp comb

Whys she have that comb it actually is painful😭

Then I got roblox that year too and met new people in 2018 who some I'm still friends with!! Yippie. Our friendgroup was shakey to say the least lol, there were fights alot that I'd just watch and not say anything. It's silly thinking about it. Uh anywyas yea and then a friend suggested I got discord and made an account in 2019 and then Instagram in idk what year but yea and then it's always been like that m

I find it hard to keep friends because of the way I am

It's hard for me to talk to someone alot and end up not talking to them for some days even though I don't mean anything bad by it I just feel overwhelmed... sorry abt that meow!

My irl friends are cool, they are few though

I've always been a "weird quiet kid" in school with not much friends, in elementary school I had like 3 friends in total counting the one that moved in 1st grade

Whej that friend moved I didn't have any friends so at recess I sat on a bench and watched the other kids play and sometimes pretended to have an imaginary friend lolol

Did I mention my family trauma yea thst happened story for other times tho heheh

But yea the friends I have now are cool but we barely go out and do stuff well atleast with me maybe? I don't go out alot unless it's to school or wherever I'm dragged by by mt family ir to let my dog out and that's about it

I stay indoors and stay in my room

I draw and write sometimes...!!!!!!!!! Obviously

But yea that's what makes me a loser/loner in life but it's whatever I know no different

It's also hard to go out in summer cuz I have a strong hatred for the heat ..... and in fall I'm in school so i don't rlly have time 0_0

Actually frshmen year I got a friend who'd drag me around to places which was the first time ever but sheeeeeeee isn't someone I'd like to be around

Anyways uh j know I'm not the only one with this life so I don't feel too bad but comparing to all my friends I'm kinda just yea idk I'm kinda spacing out

[ii-viixx]

tw: venting, self-harm/sh, blood mentions, mommy issues ranting (if that’s an actually trigger, sorryyyy), family issues, ect

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sorry for this long ahh vent or wtvr the fck i wrote was. also idk i jst started to add other stuff to it, i got bored & jst wanted to vent even more. sorry if it doesn't make much sense, its 4 in da morning

/////

Why’d I let him do that. Did it even happen.. ?? Every day that I don’t speak about it,, or when I do it feels like guilt swallowing me whole. Was it real? Was it real? Was it real? Was it real? FUCK…. Or is it another of my little ass stories. Fuck, I’m so stupid. So very stupid. FUCKKKK !!!! UGHHHH. Why’d I let him touch me,,,, he touched me he touched me he touched me he touched me… Maybe??? IDK,, I wanna rip the skin off my flesh & cry.. fuxking start laughing like the fucking Joker when I do. Did it even happen? Did it? Did it? Did it? Did it? Was it real Was it real was it real was it real… I lwk be feeling like that one line, it went smth like: “pretty enough to be sexualized, but not pretty enough to be loved” 🤯 Lmfaooo (am I going crazy???? idk am i am i am i am i am. no im not… right? maybe i do need mental help, maybe I really do…). I get stared often. It’s strange but I sometimes like the attention. I sometimes think that I’m not worthy of love. It’s weird being horny almost all the damn time? is it cuz i’m a teen or did my constant exposure & most likely SA experience fuck me so bad that I became hyper sexual???

.. Gosh, I feel like a freak whenever I think of myself in that way… yk that reminds me.. when I was younger, around 7,,, I was taking pictures or jst plain staring at my budding chest… Even though I wasn’t deflowered, I still felt like my petals fell anytime I was stared at by older men or getting touched by him,,, Him him him.. Him. Did he did he did he did he? I need answers. Maybe I’m just sick in the head for thinking he touched me,,, did he? Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t. In the end we were jst kids. Enough abt that. Let’s go onto how I became who I am today. I grew up to a single mother. Typical. My dad left us before I was even born (rude but whatevs). We moved at least 3 times before settling down. Whoo… She was a fucking mess my mom was a mess. A pretty heavy drinker & smoker. I was surrounded by it from her, her boyfriend (now ex), his lil friends & maybe hers? idk. She used to kick me out & lock me out the door, I got used to it but I got lucky if her ex decided to open it for me. She was abusive, physically, maybe ? idk but i’m pretty sure she did. I blocked out a ton of shit from my childhood 💀 growing up she used to call me names & hit me even tho i didn’t do nothing. wrong. She’d talk to me abt her feelings & venting. (Wow way to do a number to a fucking 3yo). She’d vent abt her troubles. I had to learn how to feed $ dress myself when she didn’t want to. I don’t think she likes me as a person but she definitely loves as a daughter. So hypocritical, but sometimes so am I. Ive come to realize that I’m almost like an exact copy of her. from her face, hair, personality, the way we present, ourselves, up to the way we fucking talk. My family even says so. But as much as I hate to admit, I can see the almost uncanny resemblance, well obviously i’m aware of the whole: ’YoU’Re boUnd to LooK liKE YOur MoTHer, yoU cAME fROm hER’ ik that but it’s annoying to hear it almost every fucking day, I live & breathe. It’s annoying as shit. But that’s also why I was piercing & highlights. Jst to have at least some type of different between us, jst so I can’t hear other ‘OMG!!! U look *jst* like ur mother! Like a little mini-her’. It was cute the first 3 or 7 times, but after what.. almost two decades of hearing that sentence. It gets pretty annoying. What I despise equally as much is when ppl say ‘Dang you looked jst like her sister’ (towards my mom). She looks pretty young yea, but it’s annoying too. Though in the end. I love her, I’m proud of her. She’s really trying to better herself, and whatnot. But fuck, please for the love of god; go to therapy woman. U need it, I need it, even nana (grandma) needs it. Almost everyone in my family needs ts. We’re all fucked up in a way. more shit cuz y not.. i started self-harming/sh around the age of 3-5. It was jst simple: hitting myself, hair pulling, scratching, bruising. I did it when I got stressed w home life, when I was angry, sad or jst felt like it. I stopped for a bit, but then it was a whole cycle once more. On & off typa things. Though,, one summer after going crazy abt whether to cut or not. My friend showed her twt feed, I saw video after video of ppl cutting, slicing, bleeding, ect. I was skhakjng, basically tweaking out like how Tweek from SP/South Park does (not exactly but similarly). I bit my tongue. After the skool yr was over, the first official night of summer, I decided to grab a pencil sharpener, unscrew the blade & I gently swiped it across my thighs. No blood, it stung like crazy doe. i barely even cut the skin. That’s when I started to go a bit deeper, jst out of the blue. That’s when I hit blood, no styro tho. Something went over me & I went deeper, pushing the blade onto my arms. I checked the wound. My first styro, my heart was racing, pounding. I was excited. I did even more styros, some a bit deeper than others. I still have every scar to show it. Even the little 4 straight-ish ones that look like little slopes or rows of corn.

[blackvail22]

i talk here a bunch each day because i have no one else to talk to.

its sad, honestly.

i couldnt go to my counseling appointment, so i wont be able to see her again for another 2 weeks

thats nearly a month since ive seen her

im not doing very well so this isnt good at all lmao

idk how im going to make it another 2 weeks but all i can do is try ...

i think i start work again next week. im afraid of what has changed... probably not a lot. all i know is we have a new manager, and ive heard he's nice

i have a postop appt on tuesday for my tonsillectomy. finally i will have what my disease means explained to meeee. i keep thinking about it, and its been bothering me. i probably wont know if i have another surgery until after my next ct scan (they have to space them out so i dont get exposed to too much radiation and i had one less than a month ago) and idk when that is

im so bored. i have to be the problem

i really think i am

"my friends wont reach out" but when i reach out its super dry and they varely engage. maybe im seeing it in the wrong perspective. maybe my vision is skewed, and im seeing it in the wrong light.

maybe its because theyre busy

maybe at work

going to work

hanging out with other friends

going to hang out with other friends

i want to have a good friend group so bad but i feel like i cant have one

i feel like my only friend was em even though she used me. oh, i dont know if i ever told u the reason why we arent friends anymore

so, i dont have the best memory of the order everything happened, but ill do my best to sort it out

after spending a bunch of time together, we started to fade away. i would ask her if she wanted to spend the night, she would hesitate for a good 30 minutes, talk to her mom, and then say "sure". sometimes she wouldnt wait until we ate dinner (but a good amount of times she did) until shed say "oh i forgot something at home" or "my stomach hurts" and id walk to her house with her (except the times when she'd tell me not to).

when i walked with her, she would always say "ill be right back" and then shed be gone for 10 minutes and her mom would come out and be like "hey... she doesnt feel well so she's going to say home". and each time i would walk home crying. at this point, she was already blowing me off, not talking to me, and overall being rude, but i still went back to her every time.

this rare occasion was in early september of 2017. we only hung out, and then she said she had someone else shes hanging w at her house. she had become friends with people that hated my sister as well as a girl that honestly no one knows. em started to become them... like literally she became a copy of them. the whole group of girls would tell her that my sister is a fat, ugly whore. they fed her all of this, and they would talk and call my sister names and generally talk shit about her

a few days after i heard abt this, i saw things from em that she was having a hard time. i was outside doing yard work, and she was walking by. i said "hey, i hope you feel better" and she yelled "fuck you" at me while, again, giving me the finger.

i dont know what i did, but that was the last time in years that we would talk to each other. we would be "friends" on the bus the few days she went to school sophomore year...

now, though? i dont exist to her. i saw her at my work TWICE this past year, once being on my recent birthday, and she pretended she didnt know me. i look the same as i did before... this most recent time, she was with her boyfriend, one of the friends from '17 and her mom. as i greeted them, everyone looked over except her... her mom even did a double take.

she claims she doesnt know why our friendship went to shit when we were toxic to each other our whole friendship. it was never healthy.

she seems to be happy though, at least happier than me. shes pregnant again. im not sure of the gender, but i think its going to be a boy. she's always wanted to be a mom, so i hope shes a good one.

[selznick]

idk fucking know.rant ig??? not big idk

but like i ibly rlly have 1 friend that im close to and thats ive opened up to about my austism and ocd like even a bit,,,,, and like my autism is fine or whatever and sure sometimes idk how to deal with people but its fine and we joke so its cool but my ocd is like,, a legit problem for me that I dont joke about but they will,,,, like sometimes i will casually mention it around them but they will joke abt it and like kool whatever,, ocd isnt happenong rn so idc ig

but like she was telling me how she went to a hincent van gogh exhibit abt his life and depression and how she cried at the 'ear'aser in the giftshop after, , and like its a hood point,,, people like to portray him cutting off his ear as like some cutesy joke or romantic gesrure and not like a seriours mental break down and self harm,,, which like cool she cares abt mental health and uknow the seriousness of it all

except when its roght in front of her??? like i messaged her when i wanted to pour boiling water on my foot to 'clean' it and half my brain was fully on board with it and the other half was like no that will make ot worse stop,,, so i messaged her as like idk a reaching out for some sort of help or distraction from my stupif fukcing brain,,, and she was just like,, no why would you do that? and was just argueing with me,, like thats not logical,,,, and I FUCKIING KNOW THAT WHY DO U THINK THERE ISNT BOILING WATER ON MY FOOT WHILE IM TEXTING U,,, and shes just like but why would u eevn think that,, like rememeber ur precious vincent van gogh and his fucking ear and my fuxking ocd,, and shes just like,, ohhh

and i talk to her when i was worried about getting sepsis from a small cut on my toe,, and shes just like no ur fine, uve not got sepsis obvi,, and like i brought it up again cuz its the only thing my brain would think of,, and she got annoyed that i kept bringing it up and now she fuxking jokes about me being obsessed with sepsis and that i just always think i have sepsis

like sorry my brain literally cant stop worrying abt this shit,, sorry i have phantom pains from my ocd that make me worry more and continue the fucking cycle

anyway today i was like ugh im gonna have a headache after yards,, could just feel one starting before it uknow,, and shes like just drink from the water fountain,, and i tell her i cant bcuz there was like a weird bottle on it and other debris around it and my ocd cant handle that,,, and she just tells me to drink from it and that its not an issue,, and when i was like ya no my ocd rmemeber she says shed drink some from it and then i could becuz were liek made from the same stuff so same body,,, and like how can i explain in a concise way that ya u can drink it fine but u r not me with stupid brain disease that doesnt care for logical conclusions and that no we dont have the same body were not even related and the fact i was vomiting for like an entire day not too long ago so my brain has been pretty weird abt it since,, and i cant so i instead say smth like,, no were not the same body and i was sick at christmas and i would still feel ill or throw up because my brain placebo would still fuck it up

she still pushes me to just drink from the fountain cuz its not a big issue but like to me it is,, another friend had a water bottle and offered me some amd that end the conversation so thank god they were there otherwise id have to argue my own thoughts to someone,,, do you srsly think i want my actions to b this illogical,, no i want to just live and be able to carry on without brain worms controlling what i can and cant do

but like its so frustrating to have to argue logic and reason with my own brain,, i dont want to have to have the same arguement with a friend that cant seem to understand how much it affects me because im not currently screaming crying and cutting my limbs off

and it sucks becuz shes like the only person i an talk to but she just doesnt understand and doesnt seem to care

my finger has a cut on it at the moment,, similar to my toe,, and its fucking with my brain,, only thing i can rlly think of,, but i cant talk to the one person i can talk to becuz its just an annoyance to her and i should just get iver it,,, not like i can feel other pain in parts of my body that my brain is relating to it and not like i had to convince myself that my gums were a normal colour (they were) and not blue black,,,, but i cant even just b like o ya my brain thinks im dying can u distracct me cuz shes just be weird about my mental health and bring it up later as a joke

but i dont rlly joke abt my ocd,, i make some nokes abt having it but not my actual symptoms and i feel weird eevn fully talking abt it in case someone find out, doesnt take it serious and doesn something on purpose to spite/upset me,, so for her to make jokes abt my symptoms without even showsing any sympathy while im going through them just fukcing sucks,,, and like ive not daid anything bcuz idk how to breatch that topic,,,,, ummm i think u dont care abt my mental health and it makes me not want to ever talk to u abt it but at the same time ur the only person i can talk to abt it and the jokes make me super uncomfy please inhenrently knpw what my brain needs thanks,, i just,, ik shell be like sorry im not good at reading ppl so i didnt realise cuz thats what she said abt the van gogh and me boiling water foot thing ,,,, like babes u know abt my asd and ocd and im currently telling u abt my distressing thoughts,,, thats not people skills im fucking telling u im going through it like RIGHT NOW and u just do not care

ok this rant was bigger than i thought,, oop

my arm aches now and i need to frind smth to ditract me from the urge to chop ny finger off 🙃🙃🙃

[whomst-art-thou-whomst-whomst]

Texts from The Lost Tomb, part 3

I didn’t mean for this to stray into angst but like the lack of updates with Li Cu in LTR?? I had to do it to em.

Wushanju Crew Chat, 11:05pm

Li Cu: what’s up losers I’m outside

Li Cu: someone come on and open the damn door

Wang Meng: Language:(

Li Cu: fine, someone come on and open the damn door please

Snake Eyes Chat, 7:00am

Wu Xie: hey are you awake? Sorry I missed you coming in:) was finishing up some work. How was the end of your first semester? Did that geology paper go well? Did the food budget work out or do you need some extra money next semester?

Li Cu: yeah about your work

Li Cu: heard a little rumor

Li Cu: about you going through some stuff during ur recent trip

Li Cu: some stuff you maybe forgot to mention

Li Cu: and you told me we gotta check in with stuff, so this is me checking in, okay

Wu Xie: oh? What stuff?

Li Cu: idk just like

Li Cu: THE STUFF WITH YOU ALMOST FUCKING DYING FOR FUCKING MONTHS AND THE WAREHOUSE SHIT AND ERJING AND PEOPLE HURT YOU AND WHAT THE FUCK IS A THUNDER CITY AND NOONE FUCKING CALLED ME ABT THOSE PARTS ONCE

Wu Xie: oh. That stuff.

Li Cu: yeah asshat I’m in the kitchen whenever you’re ready to explain your fucking bullshit. Also you’re out of milk wtf how am I supposed to make breakfast here

Main Chat, 11:14am

Wu Xie: okay so it’s possible I fucked up a little bit.

Wang Pangzi: THERES JUST SO MUCH YOU COULD BE REFERRING TO I DONT KNOW WHERE TO START

Zhang Qiling: What’s wrong?

Honorary Wu Chat, 11:30am

Wang Pangzi: KID IM SO SORRY THAT PUNK IS A TRAINWRECK BUT YOU KNEW THAT

Wang Meng: Welcome home, Li Cu <3 not much has changed, ultimately.

Wang Pangzi: IT DIDNT EVEN OCCUR TO ME THAT HE WOULDNT TELL YOU EVERYTHING ABOUT IT ONCE THE REST OF US FIGURED IT OUT

WAIT HOW DID YOU FIND OUT

Li Cu: it’s okay. not your fault, uncle. Doesn’t matter how I found out. Wait wait hold on what do you mean “the rest of us figured it out” who figured it out

Wang Pangzi: SAY HELLO LIU SANG

Liu Sang: …hello.

Wang Pangzi: SAY MORE THAN THAT.

Liu Sang: uh…so you’re Wu Xie’s protégé, huh?

Li Cu: oh well howdy there homewrecker

Liu Sang: Excuse me??

Zhang Qiling: I think someone on the roof is calling me and I should go find out.

Wang Meng: I would also very much like to be removed from this conversation.

Wang Pangzi: AHAHAHAHA KIDDO IVE MISSED YOU

Li Cu: all I’m saying is aren’t you the little creep who’s obsessed with Xiao Ge

Liu Sang: ???

Zhang Qiling: Li Cu is referring to a brief period of irrational thought on Wu Xie’s part, where he mistakenly believed you to be a threat to our relationship.

Liu Sang: what do you mean a threat??

Wang Pangzi: WHAT DO YOU MEAN TIANZHEN HAD “A BRIEF PERIOD OF IRRATIONAL THOUGHT”

YOUVE MET YOUR HUSBAND RIGHT

Wang Meng: can you please take me off this chat.

Liu Sang: Wait, so Wu Xie told you about me, but…reading between the lines, he didn’t mention the cancer or anything bad that happened? Oh yikes.

Li Cu: don’t change the subject “Liu Sang”

if that is your real name

Like yeah you’re right abt it but still

just saying

heard you got good ears but I’ve got snake powers

kinda

so like no more funny business okay you superhearing harlot

Wang Meng: LANGUAGE, LI CU. IN THIS HOUSE WE SHOW GOOD MANNERS.

Wang Pangzi: LMAO OH DO WE NOW

Zhang Qiling: Li Cu, this is all unnecessary and childish. Please apologize.

Li Cu: you say that now bruh but apparently you weren’t complaining when he was all “idol this” and “idol that”

oh and hey Wang Meng while we’re here can I show you my business class grade report later bc Wu Xie is all “what matters is that you learned and enjoyed the experience” blah blah all eat pray love you know how he gets and I want to actually discuss areas to improve so that when I take over this joint I do better than Wu Xie? Tho that shouldnt be hard lol

Wang Meng: hurtful but accurate. I’ll bring my best red pen:)

Liu Sang: oh my god. I’m too jetlagged to keep up with any of this.

Wang Pangzi: BEST. DAY. EVER. IM SCREENSHOTTING THIS FOR HEI XIAZI.

Not A Homewrecker Chat, 11:52am

Liu Sang: Okay, we started off on the wrong foot.

Li Cu: I agree let’s start over

Start with how your little prank game almost got ppl killed

Liu Sang: And I seriously regret that. But we moved past that.

Wow, he seriously skipped over so much bullshit but didn’t skimp on mine, huh.

Li Cu: AHA so you ADMIT IT

Liu Sang: I’d like to think I’ve grown since then. That I’ve come to see Xiao Ge as a person and mentor, rather than an idol. I count Pangzi and Wu Xie as my close friends. I’m going to be staying here with them right now, I hope you can be okay with that.

Li Cu: see in my head you were going to be a lot less mature about it and I had a bunch of great follow-up insults planned

Liu Sang: I figured. I’d like us to be friends, though. Or at least not enemies.

Li Cu: okay but only bc you don’t know me yet so you won’t judge too much for this and I need to get this out to somebody I’ve been thinking about it for hours and my friends are still in finals and I’m stressing a little bit maybe

Liu Sang: ?

Li Cu: I yelled at dad

*Wu Xie sorry autocorrect

Liu Sang: …uh huh.

Li Cu: I yelled at him earlier. for keeping all that stuff from me. He started crying

Liu Sang: Wu Xie has been pretty emotional since we got back. Not necessarily your fault.

Li Cu: I made him cry right there at the kitchen sink and it felt like maybe the worst thing I’ve ever done

Snake venom and stabbings, no tears

Me saying I wouldn’t have gone to his funeral, all tears

Which I know was shitty to say but I was really mad

Liu Sang: If it’s any consolation, I think Wu Xie can understand the concept of being led by his emotions to make bad decisions…better than most people.

Li Cu: Xiao Ge came in then and looked weird

Like weirder than usual

Like he didn’t know which of us to be more mad at

Liu Sang: A common problem for the iron triangle, I understand.

Li Cu: I just ran out I didn’t have words right then and I feel stupid

but whenever they come back from their walk I’m gonna say sorry and stuff bc i could’ve come home to his funeral and I’m mad about it but also like. I could have come home to his funeral. I can get mean when I’m in a freakout mood. It’s not like I was scared or anything at all I don’t get scared really anymore ever but just like. Freaked out.

Liu Sang: He’s probably going to say sorry, too.

Li Cu: sorry I called you a homewrecker. Didn’t mean to slut-shame either

Liu Sang: I admit that after the initial shock, it was pretty funny. Super hearing harlot, it should be on my business card;)

Li Cu: this situation with Wu Xie is weird but kinda good ya know. And I have these freakouts sometimes that something maybe bad could happen to this situation. So consider this a shovel talk. But like, also not a shovel talk at the same time.

also I appreciate you saving his life and whatnot

Liu Sang: Noted. Now. Coffee?

Li Cu: sounds sick.

Be in the kitchen in 10. You can pick out what we watch for the household tv show tonight. no way is Wu Xie choosing some dry documentary about gravestone rubbings again. Pangzi just watches real housewives reruns and Xiao Ge won’t watch tv after he caught the last half hour of A Walk To Remember. Also i need my phone now to send some $ to Hei Xiazi since I owe him for…providing some intel

Liu Sang: Not even surprised.

[cringemonkey]

Hiiiiii uhhh haha *twirls hair on finger* have u maybe..... Seen nezha reborn...... Any thoughts if yes... I thought it was GORGEOUS and the drama hit well but idk im curious abt ur impression!!

YESSSSSS I DID LIKE 5 TIMES and YES its absolutely gorgeous and i cant state this enough i fucking loved this movie im biased obviously but its genuinely like. top 10 favorite zixuan movies for sure also...…. many many thoughts..... i loved how it took very distinct inspiration from old chinese mafia films and the difference in aesthetics right down to their style choice between them like wukong is very old school with his wardrobe and the decor around him like his mancave(tm). it reminds me of old hong kong or at the very least a fantasy reimagining hong kong like the type of shit you would find off a highly anticipated triple AAA game (chefs kiss) ao guang and ao bing reminds me of the modern shanghai type mafia movies, i really like the contrast between the two. ao guang's power is shown through the iron fist he has on donghai's water supply and the exploitations of it while wukong's is very passive power, where he plays by the rules and can easily slip under cracks. very mischievous i love it. just like the wukong i know and love

and god.GOD THE FUCKING BACKGROUNDS again everything was so gorjus im shitting and crying i also really love the mashing of different geographical locations and landscapes in a singular city, such as shanghai, hong kong, macau, and xuankong si. theres probably more that i missed but the vibes were there.

and the lore....... we only touched the surface but its literally so cool and the fact we got glimpses of other cities GOD i started bawling when i saw erlang shen in the end credits scene along with tiangou FUCKKKKKKKK I CANT WAIT also i took alot of inspo from this movie for my own reimaginings but ANYWAYS.... gonna talk about the movie some more but ill spare those who dont wanna listen or havent watched it (also some doodles sprinkled in)

the way ao guang treated ao bing was kinda WEIRD like i could very much tell he cared about him and loved him because he literally got him a new spine and tried to talk to li yunxiang like heh sorry about your friends leg lol and the cat and also heres your motorcycle back (slips you 70 gold bars) but he also seemed out of character sometimes such as. like. the confrontation yunxiang and ao bing had together cause IF YOUR SON DIED TO THIS KID

and THE FUCKING KID IS STANDING RIGHT THERE

YOU SAY DONT EMBARASS ME? INSTEAD OF SCOOPING HIM UP AND RUNNING? i get that the story has to follow its actual mythology (ie. ao bing gets turned into a jump rope) so i guess i cant get too mad but i do wish we got to see more of father son dynamics. also speaking of dynamics ao guang is very much a tough love type of guy, since he was doing all of this child murdering behind ao bing's back in order to protect him but like. come on making your son fight the guy whose soul is the reincarnation of the fucker whose sole (get it lol) job is to kill your beloved son maybe. dont leave him in a room alone with him

also shifu wukong.... chefs kiss yes...... it just made me just a TAD bit emotional when he was like.... hi nezha long time no see when yunxiang summoned him like WAHHH THEY WERE FWIENDS........

i honestly expected the movie to have a wukong and yunxiang falling out like yunxiang finding out wukong was supposed to kill him but thinking about it now im thankful they didnt because wukong knew what he wanted from the start he just wanted to throw himself off ao guangs trail for awhile

also. i love how they interpreted the yaksha in this movie, with him being the bodyguard (caretaker in ao bings case), i love how so many nezha movies make their own little takes on the yaksha since he was a minor character in the legends. its a lovely reoccurring detail and his facial features make it kinda obvious he was the yaksha since theyre very distinctly..... scary

ALSO. final note

FUCKINNGGG one of my favorite scenes was the exposition scene done by ao guang where hes like “是他爽了我，我，东海龙王” then he stomps his fucking cane and we get to see a sexy ass floor transformation scene and his voice is all echoy and the music goes all crazy DUDE. its so fucking awesome when i first watched it i recorded that entire scene (with ao bing being thrown to the ground too L) and would just rewatch it 4827 times its awesome.

yunxiang is also a very lovely character i didnt talk about him alot till now but hes such an endearing protagonist especially since his life went to pure shit cause some stupid gay mafia boy wanted his custom made motorcycle like just fucking commission yunxiang if you wanted one asshole now youre spaghetti on the ground. hes humble and hotheaded but he loves his friends and family all dearly, when his dad died i started beating the shit outta my pillow i was so sad

ao bing was just rich boy but I LOVE IT and it works very well only thing that unnerved me was that he looks and dresses and almost acts exactly like my fucking brother like hair and all. he used to scare me by saying he was part of the chinese mafia and he proved it by showing me this arm sleeve tattoo he got from china when he visited and one time when he was driving me home from middle school i heard banging coming from the back of the car and got scared and he said he had a guy tied up in there with a monkey and they were trying to get out and each time i heard the bang he would shout SHUT UP OR ILL THROW YOU BOTH INTO THE SEA WITH YOUR ARMS AND LEGS TIED BY ROCKS and i literally fucking CRIEDDD i was so scared Turns Out it was Fucking Soda bottles.

also.sorry i know i said final note and wrote 3 more fucking paragraphs but last thing. i literally love chinese fantasy films so much cause they always end the same: with a giant fucking boss battle where the cgi goes HAM and everything gets all funky and crazy and people almost die or DO DIE and I LOVE IT SO MUCHHH its so outta left field sometimes and other times its just so DRAMATIC GODDD I LOVE IT I DONT CARE its literally my favorite cause every time it happens i Know where the movie's budget went into

anyways thats it..... my thoughts...... i also drew alot of nezha reborn fanart these past couple days for no reason i just got a burst of energy for it which ill post! also so sorry sneakystorms for replying so late i dont know when you sent it but i just kinda forgot i had an ask box when i came back BUT THANK YOU FOR THE ASK!!!!!!!!! and hearing me if you or anyone else managed to make it this far <3

[snoopysfriendwoodstock]

Hey Scarlett! What are some of your favorite pieces of media about being a teenage girl or that you think really understand their experience?

hey! i feel like there are a lot of scenes from movies/tv or snippets of things that stick with me because they just really resonated w me in that respect rather than full things so i’m going to explain these snippets the best i can. also obv this reflects my own experience of being a teenage girl which is white and cis & like gay but closeted so i’m not claiming that these reflect the entire spectrum of teen girl experiences etc etc ANYWAY here’s my list and they’re kind of split into categories ig!

the scene in bring it on when she turns on the cd that cliff makes her and is so giddy about it that she has to get up on her bed and start dancing. other honorable mentions in this category: when jane is telling lizzy about mr bingley and gets so flustered thinking abt him she has to turn her face in the pillow and like wiggle around (i know jane’s not a teenager but still), the scene in the you belong with me video when she’s dancing. i think there are a lot of moment in the happier times of teenage girlhood where you’re so happy in a way you’ve never been before that you have to try and shake it out of your body bc it’s so overwhelming

the like “mom” section of this list is mostly comprised of the scene in goodwill in ladybird. that part where they’re fighting with each other then immediately stop when they find a dress they both like was SOO familiar. then there’s just specifically the way dianna agron delivers the line “i needed my mom” in season one of glee like. idk why that does something to me. the part in alison bechdel’s memoir “are you my mother?” where she talks about that time in the two weeks before college where you and your mom are at each other’s throats for no reason. there’s also something that always really touches me abt the way that needy curls up next to her mom towards the end of jennifer’s body that always makes me tear up. the way that mitski sings “mom will you wash my back?” and fuck it i’ll add juliet from romeo and juliet crying out for her mom when she takes the sleeping potion and doesn’t know if it will kill her or not! i think part of being a teenage girl at least for me and especially as the oldest daughter where you’re coming to that point where you’re no longer an extension of your mother and she doesn’t know what to do with you as another woman. you still really need like a child sometimes but you also feel like there’s no one who understands you less.

i think that things like dare me or jennifer’s body or ginger snaps are obviously like extreme but also do a really good job of nailing that feeling of being a teenage girl where you feel like a monster and also like the craziest person in the world and also like a god and also you’re deeply obsessed with another woman in your life and don’t know how to feel that without feeling a little demonic. i think one day you suddenly wake up at 20 and realize you were never an evil, irredeemable, unlovable person you were just like 16 yrs old.

a couple of specific song lyrics/the way they’re sung that i feel like encapsulate the feeling of being a teenage girl would have to be the desperation in lorde’s voice when she’s singing “you’re the only friend i need / sharing beds like little kids” it just encapsulates the feeling of being like 18 and feeling like your life is just ending. also the way olivia rodrigo sings the “red lights, stop signs” line in drivers license is just sooooo... like my drama club boyfriend broke up with me and i am the first person in the world to ever experience pain. the lyric from the best day when taylor says “i’m 13 now and don’t know how my friends could be so mean” just stabs me in the heart every time because it’s like i literally was! and i literally couldn’t! also triple dog dare by lucy dacus just IS being in love with a girl as a kid but not knowing it yet and not understanding how everyone can see it. “you tell me you’re afraid that we may die / i said ‘so what? everybody’s scared of that’” gets me every single time.

a couple other things that don’t really have a category: when ladybird and julie hold hands and listen to “crash into me”, literally ALL of PEN15, even though marianne is in college at this point i think when she says she’s not unlovable but she’s definitely hard to like is a BIG teenage mood in normal people.

anyway i’ll probably think of more and make a bigger list but here are some!