#idk maybe it's the bpd mirroring

[txrtxglix-lvver]

random instinct to use bad English with her

[chqnified]

Being proud but also confused as to how I manage to change how i act around different people and am exactly how they want me to be without realising

Symptom of bpd: mirroring

[kaddyssammlung]

Being unable to feel is horrible

Let's assume that in “Do you wish that you loved me” Vessel is talking to himself as if he was staring at a mirror. It does kind of feel like it. But there is this line: "Maybe not that you conceal your feelings, they just don't exist"

I do think that he is filled with emotions! He does cry. Let's say it in a different way: he is able to cry. Unlike me.

I don't want to start over with how cut off from my own feelings I often am, the dissociation and also the chronic emptiness that can come with BPD. There is so much in my blog about it. So I don't know what it is then. Maybe he means it in a different way then I am taking it? I can barley image him being unable to feel. Maybe he was.

He probably was?! Maybe all of this is in the past.

Being unable to feel is horrible but also the other side of this: the emotions being too much and too intense (for me especially anger), that is also not nice. Idk. I had this thought in the middle of the forest this morning and I had to get it out.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi, if you could manage it, it would be great if you could answer this before monday since I'll then see said therapist again.

Today I visited a therapist for the first time and... I never attended therapy for a longer time but a lot of first-time meetings. And in hindsight I asked myself, if maybe the problem was in me, that not all of those therapists sucked but maybe talking about myself made me feel bad and I projected that on them.

I did have a great therapist 10 years ago, who is (for better or worse) still my imagine in mind, when I visit new therapists.

How can I objectively say, during the first sessions, if a therapist is a good one (for me)?

For example today I felt like... She forced me (by asking again and again but also by asking me out of the blue) to tell her things, i don't feel comfortable to talk about, during the first meeting. I understand that she needs to know much about me to be sure how to help me but... It didn't feel good. Where's the line there?

Also I felt like she was pretty distant. I mean, my therapist shouldn't cry when I tell them something but I'd want them to express some compassion or to look sorry. But if there faces are neutral... do you feel bad for me? Do you judge me? How can I carry on a conversation if I can't read the other persons mimic... But idk she only knew me for 50 minutes so... yeah. That's the question.

How to be sure someone is a good therapist?

Hi anon,

I'm glad to hear that it sounds like you have some self awareness when you reflect on your experience with previous therapists and if the reason it didn't work out was more so your projections onto them.

It can be hard to immediately tell whether or not a therapist is right for you because developing rapport in a therapeutic relationship is a process that takes time, and over that time you may begin to learn things about your therapist that you may not appreciate or feel beneficial. However, something that works for me is coming to the first session or consultation with a list of questions.

Some of the questions I ask pertain to their level of expertise on certain topics that may be relevant to my care. For example I may ask them how familiar they are with a certain disorder I would like to be treated for. I will also ask about views they have regarding therapy, such as their thoughts on pathologization or certain stigmatized disorders such as NPD or BPD. If I can't find anything that answers the following questions about them online, I may ask them about their specializations, like if they specialize in relationship issues, LGBT issues, certain disorders, and so on. Then I can get a sense from there if this is a therapist I want to work with.

While you may get satisfactory answers to these questions, words only go so far. It simply does take a handful of sessions to see if they actually put their money where their mouth is. It's important to watch for clues that they may not be a good therapist. This may be in the form of countertransference where a therapist projects something onto you. For example, my very first therapist used to say "If you were my daughter, I would say xyz." This is a violation of the therapeutic relationship because it breaches the professional standard of care and gets more intimate than what is appropriate.

Therapists are also not allowed to give direct advice and tell you what to do because they become liable if their advice backfires. Another reason why they're not allowed to give their clients advice is because the entire point of therapy is to help the client become self-reliant, instead of relying on the therapist to tell them how to navigate their life. Instead, therapists are supposed to serve as mirrors to help guide the client to recognize their own thoughts and behaviors.

Another sign that a therapist may not be the right fit is if they excessively self-disclose. Generally it is advised for therapists to keep self-disclosure to a minimum (self-disclosure meaning talking about themselves or something they've experienced, even if they feel it relates to what their client may be going through). Some self-disclosure is okay, sometimes I will ask my therapist what inspired them to become a therapist and usually that reason involves their own trauma. But again, my first therapist would tell me about traumatic things that happened to her completely unsolicited and it was a bit disturbing to listen to, which is not appropriate.

Addressing your questions, it can feel very cold and sterile when therapists are hard to read, but this is intentional. I think it's understandable to be confused about how your therapist feels about you, not only when you're actively establishing rapport, but when they have a poker face. That being said, this can also be to keep the relationship on a more professional level. I think it's also worth highlighting how this technique brings up some questions or insecurities for you, such as not being sure what your therapist thinks, and worrying that they're judging you or wanting them to feel bad for you. These could be things to discuss and work out with your therapist, as they could not only help you explore the root of your concerns but can potentially adjust their approach.

It's worth noting though that if your therapist asks you about something and you express that it's not something you're ready to discuss, it's not appropriate for them to continue to pry. It's important for any therapist to respect your boundaries and not force or pressure you to explore anything you simply aren't comfortable. Perhaps it's a question that could be asked again at a later time, but to continue to press you to answer when you've already explained you don't want to, is not appropriate both as a therapist and as a human being.

I hope I could clear some things up for you. Please let us know if you need anything, and you're welcome to follow up if you'd like.

-Bun

[brunchbitch]

How’s recovery been going for you lately?

good! still struggling to decrease my marijuana frequency and amount, but other than that, things are really good.

A and i had a conversation the other night which was difficult. he was sort of referring to the "old me" (i.e. when i was in and out of the hospital) as like a separate person and was like "do you think you'll ever go back to her" and it just felt kinda invalidating bc like... i'm still her... i still have suicidal thoughts going about my day and i just have to push them away. i still hate my body. i'm just not acting on those thoughts. and it's just frustrating bc it's really activating my bpd - when therapists would praise or congratulate me for doing better, it always made me feel like shit bc i didn't FEEL "better" and i was scared they would stop seeing me if they thought i was fine, so that often led to self-sabotage or just feeling very misunderstood and alone. a part of me has a desire to cut or OD or go to the ER just so that A knows i'm not perfectly better, but i've been able to continue to put that off.

i have been struggling with my increased weight. i feel like i've gained too much, that i look really unhealthy, and that i'll never stop gaining. i've been trying to tell myself - yeah maybe you are overweight, but guess what you're NOT?? you're not in residential feeling like your stomach is gonna burst open after eating one meal!!! you're not crying into a cup of ensure!!! yeah maybe you're overweight, but you're engaged to the love of your life and you have two perfect cats and you're moving back to seattle and you almost have your social work degree!! yeah maybe you've had to buy new clothes and you want to cry when you look in the mirror naked, but you can't remember the last time you got on a scale more than once in a day! idk, it feels like a near constant battle, but i also recognize that my disordered voice is much much quieter than it has ever been in the past when i was actively acting on the thoughts.

[amonotoneheart]

Idk for certain if I do have it, but maybe I've just been in denial (s/o to a former friend who said "if you find out someone has bpd, block them on everything". Terrifying). Reading about quiet bpd has been like having a mirror for my soul. Exactly what I've been feeling. From shifting rapidly between extreme bouts of depression, anxiety, and feeling decent to the occasional hypersexuality, even to the fact that the best distraction for me is driving recklessly or eating ridiculous amounts of food. The fact that my main reason for kindness is so that maybe they'll like me, and I suppress my rage because bleeding myself dry emotionally to complete burnout is a better alternative than conflict, but that won't stop me from making it worse by ghosting everyone who has hurt me in the slightest to having such a harsh inner critic that I can't even draw without wanting absolutely to die. Just like, maybe I'm not alone in this, and that's horrible for anyone else dealing with this shitshow of a disorder, but it makes me want to sob in relief.

[fortunatelyenchantingtaco]

Very weird day. All days are weird. I really really need to get my shit together and study and my brain is just so fucking empty its insane i cant explain it. Also raiding was nice. And also we had a family talk and its my dead grandma’s birthday today which is a weird thing to think about and my dad was particularly melancholic about it asking us what we remember of her. And like. He mostly remembers her latest years when she was deeply depressed but idk as horrible as they were i also remember the better ones. She was much more than her bad moments she did her best and ive spent a lot of meaningful time with her idk

I look in the mirror or look on my hands and always remember her cause we’re like soo similar. Idk. I wish she had a better fate but oh well. Whatever her lowest was, she was still awesome i love her. Wish i could be as smart lmao maybe i wouldnt suffer so much with uni damn. Idk

Like it has been a couple of years already its just weird cause i know my dad i know we all three are incredibly similar and all three depressed. And i know he was probably thinking of how similar he is to her and whether he would be remembered. Hindsight is a very weird thing and honestly like if you have someone older you love then you should fucking tell them that. I sure did even if i wanted to do it more. Like my other grandma died at the end of the spring and my aunt, her second daughter, never made up with her. They were fighting their whole lives despite grandma, while being a very frustrating person, overall being very forgivable. Like it has been years my aunt has a lot of grandkids and she’s still angry at her mother for leaving her with her family while grandma was getting her university degree. And now she’s dead and they never made up. Ifs insane. Um yeah. Sorry

This is not trauma dump, as much as i see both myself and my dad in my grandma and im like half sure we’re all gonna be lying in our beds depressed and rotting csuse no one here would go to psychiatrist, its also not the problem for me rn. Its for future me when my dad finally understands expressing anger at basically everything isnt an answer. I know we have bpd in the family but idk what i have, probably something. I dont think i have maniac episodes, or i do theyre just really short. I do have very frequent very low lows damn. And this is kind of traumdumping sorry

Idk it was a weird day. I wish i spent it studying more. Brain empty. Its gonna be a weird day tomorrow too cause i have driving lessons cause i really want to master it but im horribly afraid of driving lmao. Probably due to lack of experience but ya know. Im afraid of basically everything and everything i do is i do scared

But yeah idk if you read all that theb all i can say is that you better solve your issues with the person you’re close with before they die. When they do it kinda becomes more a you problem not a shared one. Not cool

[p0rchc0ll4ps3]

The thing is Harry is just not bpd coded to me. Like you'd think? Maybe? Coz he has the infatuation? But that's about it. To me he doesn't have the 'says stupid awful irredeemable shit when stressed' or the anger issues. He has some disturbance in self but more so in a fractured way than a look in the mirror and that just ain't me way. He also Does have abandonment issues I think but I'm not sure he has the like. I need to be with you or be aware of you or pay attention to you every second of my life or you'll disappear and die forever type of abandonment separation anxiety. Just imo. He's clingy and he's needy but too me he's very very coalesced. He has three million pieces but they orbit around him and he keeps himself kinda more or less together. When he loses control or gets hella angry it's bc of the drunkenness or maybe it's a manic episode bipolar type of deal. But he just. Doesn't feel emotionally deregulated as all hell in the bpd sort of way. Just my vibe idk.

Jean however

[peenybobini]

12/21/23

It's almost Christmas and it doesn't feel real but I know that happens every year

At least this year I watched almost every holiday movie I wanted to and it was A LOT

Dylan watched love actually with me a few days ago and it was so much fun

Season 45 of survivor ended yesterday, one of my favorite seasons in a long long time we had an absolute blast watching it

I'm getting super hyser aware of my teeth and idk why, I have GOT to see a dentist and soon, maybe stop smoking this new year and start doing whitening strips but I know myself and fat fucking chance tbh

I love Dylan I'm so happy most of the time

Sex has been more frequent and more fun, I'm hurting less being more active, have made so much money this month but unfortunately it's all gone elsewhere for Christmas and I randomly had a shit ton of stuff run out all at the same time but I feel like I'll be able to afford everything easy? Idk I may have miscalculated but I'm just rolling with it

Peter and I said I fucking love you to each other for the first time after being friends for like 6 years or something crazy last night when he was kinda messed up and needed support. He always apologizes a lot and I try to let him know it's nothing to be embarrassed about, and I get it, Dylan's really the person I can talk to about any and everything and I feel like I might be that person for Peter and it just isn't the same and I get it. Idk though man's got his problems and can be fucked up sometimes but I really do care for him so much and I can only hope I can break him out of his shell and encourage him enough so he can start meeting girls romantically!!! Maybe I should offer that like dude let's hit a virtual fucking life makeover? Idk it'll have to waait, checked in today cause I know he goes radio silent any time h gets vulnerable, but he was okay for sure it just might be a few days which sucks but it is what it is lord knows I've disappeared on the guy more than a few times

And then Cailee's struggling bad right now with not being able to find a job, and she's still dating Juan who god bless him I don't fucking like and think he is so mean to her for no reason but for some reason he holds all the power in the relationship? Feel like sometimes he manipulates her extreme anxiety to his benefit, but I'm not around them enough to totally deduce that. Definitely hard for me to mind my business and be like okay o hope he does leave because cuck that guy come live with me and dylan and Jack and let's get a huge house and maybe you guys will fall in love and it'll be perfect and the commune can begin but obviously not going to happen.

Communication with Cheyenne is always so stilted lately, have been trying to make plans since September but since I've been out of commission obviously with the breakage I think it ends up being a free out in her mind which is like fine. Idk I feel jealous of her and Jonathan even though I know shit for them sucks sometimes too? Seeing the Christmas card they sent us just kind of ignited something in me and I'm tired of not being married and I'm tired of not having a baby. And i really really want to at least start that process in the next couple of years but idk if there will ever not be a part of me that feels like that's a huge mistake? God shit is so complicated all the time

And I fucking miss summer. I miss her so much. I can't believe we've fallen off this hard. I'm always being left hanging. I knew to expect it and I try not to take it personal but goddamn, it hurts so, so bad. I really thought we'd be able to make it past not working together, I just feel like we got along on so many levels I don't with any of my other friends. I feel like we were so alike in so many ways but were we just mirroring each other? I don't think so. I wish I never said that shit to Dylan, I think it completely fucked up any chance of our friendship lasting forever. I only hope and can wonder if one day when he's further out of the BPD bubble I'd I'd be able to explain it to him where he'd listen. That I truly was just trying to appease, and make my situation okay, and thought I was going to die or end up killing my self because the pain was so bad. What a dark fucking time in my life dude I can't believe i survived that shit. Or that our relationship did. I hope Josh is nice to her and makes her feel loved and doesn't rely on her to do everything for him forever, I don't think I'll ever live a day where I don't consider her my best friend, despite all the I mean let's call it what it is absolute bullshit she's put me through

Idk I feel like that's dramatic I don't think I mean it. I just miss her, it sucks getting close to another new friend only to be totally ghosted on once we stop working together. Again. I guess it's a lesson though? Idk I feel like the way my business is going I'll likely not have any coworkers again really. If I can figure out how to avoid the annoying bitches I rent with currently.

And I'm so sick of everybody trying to give me business advice and idk why it bothers me so much either? Ego thing?

Also I've been having so many sex dreams lately, a Bob Odenkirk one that was kind of sweet honestly but that makes sense as I've been thinking about him a lot lately because I just finished better call Saul and absolutely loved it and think he is so cute, and an Adam driver one that was super weird, lots of free falling but also flying? Definitely close to a lucid dream I felt like I was making my own decisions they were just absolutely bonkers, like being in a mall, zombies coming, fighting with Adam driver, looking into the sky and "allowing myself to fly by letting go" was what the feeling was. And then I'd get up there and if I tried to land on whatveee the fucking aircraft was everybody was in I'd start falling immediately. Don't ask me where sex fit into this because I truly don't know lmao, I just remember being in a place I knew was his apartment and arguing and then we started and fucking and it was less sweet more hot, it's probably been all those Girls clips showing up on my tiktok page.

Dylan and I had awesome sex today also, probably the best in a minute. I wish I felt like making out with him I miss it so much, idk how to bring up his breath though without hurting his feelings. But I really miss kissing, it doesn't seem like he does though. It reminds me of when I first started staying over with him again in denton when he was still talking to Veronica. Like first first. Super weird thoughts as like he reminded me a week or so ago. But then I'm like does my breath stink? Has his always smelled this bad? Is something wrong or am I just gross and don't care?n idk im gonna have to bring it up at some point and it just sucks that i have to.

And I love my body and it sucks that I've been feeling so weird and off about it lately. Trying to be extra mindful to push those thoughts away when they start but it's hard. I think it's the physical therapy and all the mirrors and feeling gross with the way I walk now. Idk. Gotta push those thoughts aside it doesn't fucking matter and I love my body and I feel beautiful I really really do. And I don't feel like I need anybody to tell me that anymore. Please god let me get my fucking hair done on Sunday like I'm supposed to please please please

Manifesting twice as much business next year!! I can do it!! Everything is amazing and beautiful and life is going so well for me and it will never stop because of how capable and determined and just frankly fucking awesome I am!! I love myself!!

[charlieconwayy]

Re: the last ask I sent I’m so sorry you had to go through that 😭 I really hope you’re doing better now & in a better place where you feel accepted and loved. & I’m glad that at least that album was able to help you through it. Music really is a life saver and Reputation similarly enough actually became my second favorite Taylor album over the last year or so and I define very hard with this is why we can’t have nice things too, I don’t think the song deserves to be clowned at all it’s very relatable! The lyric “There I was, giving you a second chance but you stabbed me in the back while shaking my hand” literally describes this situation I had with a guy and also look what you made me do I literally had that song on repeat for most of this year because of said situation with guy who screwed me over, I only saw him as a friend but it actually was worse than any heartbreak I’ve had from someone I was in love with. Both of those songs but especially lwymmd got me through. “Not for me not for me all I think about is karma” literally was me for several months lmao

Those are all great songs! I relate to anti hero a lot too but instead of all the people I’ve ghosted it’s all the people that have ghosted me 😂😭 but like “I wake up screaming from dreaming one day, I'll watch as you're leaving and life will lose all its meaning” is possibly the lyric of hers I relate to most it’s so real. Clean is another one I love dearly too! The one I originally was referring to in my original ask was blank space and I’m so excited to hear the re recorded version.

The songs about your friend It sounds like your friend is great and sees how wonderful you are and hope you continue to have him in your life ❤️ it sounds like there’s also some feelings there so I hope that things work out if that’s what you’re looking for!

If I had to describe the guy I’ve loved for years who I also considered my dearest friend in Taylor songs it would be I almost do and everything has changed. I still have hope though. I just saw him a few weeks ago and what’s funny is before I saw him (i wasn’t even planning to I was caught by surprise, great day though) everything has changed was the song I was listening to right before I unexpectedly saw him. Maybe I’m silly but I took it as kind of a sign idk lol.

I love how many songs Taylor has that can be applied to so many different situations. Lyrical genius I love her so much!

I loved reading your answers :) sorry this was a long response haha

thank you :') i appreciate that!

yeah you get it, reputation just hits differently when you've been betrayed, i don't think she has another album anywhere near that

oh yeah blank space is like an anthem for us bpd bitches haha so i love that one!! anti-hero is the first taylor song in forever that i felt genuinely connected to, the lyric that always comes to mind for me is "i'll stare directly at the sun but never at the mirror"

yeah he's......special. i'll leave it at that <3

sounds like we may be in a similar boat with our best friends. it's so funny the way that sometimes a specific song will play and illicit those emotions from you all over again. i don't think you're being silly. i think if it's been years and you still love him, there is something there, otherwise you would've given up.

i love taylor, but olivia will always be my number one haha just had to say that!

thank you so much for writing in!! i loved discussing this w you :)

[crazylil-lion]

Idk if its the bpd or just my childhood but I'll never see myself as anything less then an evil terrible person.

Even if I'm not. Even if I constantly try my hardest to be kind, respect and understand I will always feel like its not enough.

Because... if it was enough... someone would want me. Someone would be interested in me.

I can't look at myself in a mirror.

I'm disgusted by myself. A face I don't recognize. A lifeless demon staring back at me. A monster who feels better when I draw my blood. Maybe I deserve the pain and suffering for not being enough. For being a problem.

Maybe I deserve the abuse because I have bpd I must always be the problem.

Afterall some people believe people with bpd are inherently toxic.

Yet when I think about it. I was the one used. Gaslit into thinking everything was my fault.

Oh I say I'm going to the gym? Ex blows up at me about making her feel bad. Tells me I choose that over spending time with her when I literally need it because I sit at a fucking desk all day.

Oh, do I need some support because I'm falling apart after moving 1700 miles away from my siblings, who were the only thing that kept me alive, not phone sex? Oh, I'm not interested in her and I don't wanna marry her even tho we didn't even meet in person yet.

Oh someone who says they wanna date me wants phone sex but when I get mad they just disappear afterwards without any aftercare. Im the problem. Its because I have bpd. Im over reacting. Its my fault I feel this way.

I'm the monster for asking her to message me when she got home. I'm the monster for worrying when she disappears for hours after promising we would do something when she got home.

But I'm always the problem because I have bpd and have full-blown meltdowns.

Or I blow up after having my needs and boundaries ignored.

But I'm the problem.

I realize that because of therapy, all these things I've always blamed on myself. All the times, I thought it was just an overreaction because my extreme emotion was reasonable.

Yeah I wouldn't say I'm easy to be with. I pull away if I don't feel wanted. I'm an emotional roller coaster and I will be explaining how I feel even if it changes randomly or goes completely empty I'm open about it.

But if they invalidate me, call me crazy for feeling an emotion that just hit me like a fucking train out of no where I blow up.

But I internalize. Instead of I hate them they are terrible.

Its I fucking hate myself. Im the worst person ever.

I deserve to hurt. I deserve pain. I deserve blood and to die because im fucking useless.

That's how I feel when I split. 95% of the time I internalize. So when I share it people don't believe I can go from being okay and having an alright day to so fucking angry at myself for ever letting someone in all because their tone was off compared to normal.

Which is batshit insane. But I feel it regardless.

But if I explain. Hey I don't think it was intentional, but I felt like you were angry with me. I realize it may not be that way, but I feel that way extremely because thats all I feel.

I just need someone to reassure me. Not get mad at me for starting things.

Or saying I'm manipulating them because my emotion doesn't make sense. People don't realize even if its not a huge deal to them I could feel like you stabbed me in the heart over something small and assume you hate me.

I know I'm not an awful person logically. But I will always feel like a demon for any emotion I feel.

I will never feel enough for anyone because until I am enough for someone to be interested. how could I believe I'm anything but awful? No one has really wanted me just wanted me because I'm a people pleaser that struggles to say no.

I feel... the world would be better off without me. Because if I was worth something... someone would have wanted me instead of treating me based on how much I sacrifice for their needs.

My pain doesn't matter.

What holds me back from suicide is the fear of how it would hurt my siblings.

Afterall wouldn't that be selfish and absolutely awful of me? What kind of person would I be to leave them when they need me even if its just to use.

But if I'm dead I wouldn't feel guilty. And I would have silence and peace. 2 things I've neved had.

I don't feel safe inside this body and mind.

I don't feel human something much worse that should be put down.

[kaddyssammlung]

SH-related Sleep Token lyrics part 3 (last part)

Part 1 Part 2

TW: SH (you know me...I get graphic every now and then)

Chokehold

“I come as a blade”

For some reason this makes me think about a sword rather then a razor blade. But it could also be a razor blade. Makes not much sense but it fits.

“So you keep me sharp and test my worth in blood”

This is a weird one. It makes me ask questions that I don't want to know the answers to.

“even if it hurts me”

It just fits and also I already talked about how I used to just not feel much anyway. So that pain from self-harm was just a reminder that I was still here.

The Summoning

“I've got a blood trail, red in the blue”

I never noticed how often he uses the word “blood” until today.

“You've got my body, flesh and bone”

It makes me think about things. But I don't want this to get too graphic.

Granite

“Reason dislocates”

Oh yes. I did not know why I was doing what I was doing. Even in therapy when I was asked “why do you do this?”. I was like “I don't know”. I really did not know or just was not aware of it. And also when you are constantly hungover you don't really think about stuff like that.

Why did I pick up something sharp to hurt myself?! I don't really remember.

Since I'm a total adrenaline junky maybe it I was curious in the first place and then I liked it and got addicted to it. Idk....My memory is so damn bad.

“And you'll never have to talk about it You'll never wanna talk about it”

True. But my friend (BPD obsession...fave person type of friend) forced me to talk to someone. She dragged me to the school's psychologist. She was more or less a teacher but she actually had a degree in psychology. You could go to her and talk to her. So I was dragged there. Of course that did not go well. And also to this day I'm convinced that she told my parents about my self-harm. I was so damn cautious but yet one day they found out.

Whatever. It was a long time ago.

I can totally understand my friend back then because she was just concerned.

Aqua Regia

“cutting through the darkness, bouncing off the walls”

At least it's not cutting in the darkness......no he cuts through the darkness. That's just so much better and not hinting at something at all. I'm sarcastic today.

Well the dark times really do change you. All of them made me stronger. But going through them did leave scars.

“following a blood trail”

Oh well...blood stains are hard to remove. Idk what he means. Another one that I just put in here because he mentions blood again.

And there goes another one:

“cold love, hot blood”

How about hot love and cold blood?! Makes me think about those horses...idk how they are called in English. Coldblood?! Idk

Cold love as in there is no love coming back from someone but he is hot for them? It's like having a crush on a straight women or something like that. Well...wrong topic.

Vore

“My life is torn, my bones, they bleed”

I feel this line.

To me this is just an expression of being completely exhausted and having reached an end. Rien ne va plus. He is done. I get that. I felt like that so many times but it took a lot to turn that damn ship around and really get better.

“Are you in pain like I am?”

Idk Vessel. I self-harmed also. We share that but other then that I just don't know because of all the speculation. There is not much we know for sure.

Ascensionism

“'Cause anything's better then the way I feel right now”

I think we all get that and maybe know that feeling?

It's just that cutting yourself is not the answer and neither is starving yourself or drinking too much.

“Rose gold chains, ripped lace, cut glass”

Does he mean glass that is broken or does glass mean something else? I mean there are substances that you kind of lay out on a mirror. Whatever.

Cut glass fits the vibe of this so it gets to stay.

“Blood stains on the collar means just don't ask”

I wonder how they got there. Maybe from the substances?

Reminds of being scared of bleed through something without noticing it and then someone sees it.

Are You Really Okay?

Yes, I am. That's why I feel strong enough to write this.

“I was trying to hold back the darkness”

Reminds me of my mother's reaction when she found out about my self-harm. That “Oh My God....what happened? Why are you doing this? What's wrong?” So many questions but at that time I had no answers. Maybe I should write a bit more of how childhood trauma (CPTSD) leads to addiction. I felt horrible and there was a reason for that and yes it had something to do with the way I grew up.

“You woke me up one night dripping crimson on the carpet”

This sucked me in, into the lore. I wanted to know what the word crimson meant. I had to look it up and then I wanted know who was dripping crimson. At the time when Take Me Back To Eden was released I had not really looked at much photos of the band or Vessel. But it's these lines that made me search through the lyrics like I was crazy and also through photos. I found what I was looking for. Kind of.....

“Cutting deeper than the scars could run”

I still have this tied to a suicide attempt that maybe took place. Because when you are dead then there are no more scars. But that's all I'm going to say about this. It's just so sad but I can understand that.

I should also mention:

“I cannot fix your wounds this time”

“Please don't hurt yourself again”

The Appariton

“I wake up to a suicide frenzy”

I don't even want to think about this one.

“This wound will never heal”

I kind of get that. But it seems like this is more a metaphorical wound.

“It just split what's left of the burning silence”

What was that with burnt skin again...?! Burning cathedrals....This dude amazes me more and more with the endless connections. But I don't really get this line.

Do You Wish That You Loved Me?

“Or do you push into constant aching?”

Pouring salt into the wounds?! I actually did that.

“Can you ever forgive? (Yourself)

The guilt thing again. We are all guilty of something. That makes me joke. There are some things that I have not brought up yet. But I'm kind of...idk. Some things are too much. Or are still too much. But yes I know what it's like to feel so guilty and you need to hurt yourself so can deal with those feelings.

“Maybe not that you conceal your feelings, they just don't exist”

I was lectured by a therapist once about not knowing the answer to how I feel. When I'm dissociated then I don't know how I feel. The point of dissociation is to keep me save from difficult emotions. None of my therapists ever noticed how dissociated I was.

I already mentioned that not being able to feel or being dissociated was one of the reasons behind my self-harm.

Rain

“It's that chemical cut that I can get down with”

Because Aqua Regia is used to dissolve stuff? And you stopped visiting Sleep? Or it's something that's like “noFap” which is common among spiritual humans and others? Or an actual cut?! Idk what to do with this one. But I had to put it in here.

Take Me Back To Eden

“Bleed through spaces”

Hospital after “crimson on the carpet”?! Idk. Too much and don't want to think about certain things.

I don't really have anything attached to this.

“Reset my patient violence”

patient or a patient.....let's leave it with that....

“I spit blood when I wake up”

So have I. But it was the worst hangover that I ever had. Other than that it's just in here because of the word blood again.

“I dangle in like cold cuts”

Being trapped in hospital is not nice. Time stands still and there is nothing much you can do. It felt like that in psychiatry and it also felt like that when woke up in hospital one day.

“No amount of self-sought fury will bring back the glory of innocence”

I have this tied to something different but I don't want to bring this up here....this breaks my heart actually.

You can see self-harm as some sort of self-sought fury. At least kind of. When you just don't know how to deal with things in a more healthy way then it's more of a strategy to survive. Even when it does seem like it. But it often felt like that for me.

Euclid

“I play along with the life signs anyway Hope to God you don't know this feeling”

I know this feeling, Vessel. I just do. Suicidal ideation is probably the best term to describe it.

[shazzydee123-blog]

In addition to my last post on favourite/fixated people (FP). It’s the one symptom that throws any progress I make out the window.

Since around late 2018 I’d been in remission with my BPD symptoms. They’d started me on lithium as they thought I had bipolar originally. In 2020 I was re diagnosed with EUPD (basically the politically correct re naming of BPD in the uk). So yeah the lithium seemed to kickstart remission and I was in therapy for my ED in early 2021 as well. Sure I had blips but my emotions were never so painful it was ruining my life, I could still do things.

Cut to now where it’s the aftermath of that FP that used me and now my life is ruined. Every little thing is bothering me, I’m having meltdowns almost daily. It’s been really traumatic and I’m struggling to heal. My BPD is just like it was in 2016 (the pat time I had an FP and he wasn’t even that bad, I was undiagnosed at the time and most of that situation was my doing back then).

At least now I’m diagnosed I know why I’m doing stuff and what’s going on. It’s always the fucking FP isn’t it! I’ve been working on doing DBT skills and trying to check in with myself better but my god all that goes out the window as soon as my FP triggers me.

Thankfully though I don’t talk to him as he’s blocked and he probably hates me by now (lol good I hate him too now for how he treat me). Now he’s gone I’m struggling with the guilt. I’ve done several reflection DBT techniques and confided in others about it and I’m having a hard time believing I’m not just to blame. I’m so used to beating myself up and blaming myself that when I do my skills and in my logical mind It tells me I’m not fully to blame? I’m always to blame though so I’m still trying to wrap my head around it. Logically I know he took advantage of me and would use the symptoms of my illness against me as a weapon. For example if I infodump on him due to my autism or I post selfies to get his attention, I’d warn him about it. Where he once told me he didn’t mind and thought it was cute he’d later turn around and say he hates attention seekers and that I only talk about myself. Purposefully trying to trigger me.

I should point out this guy also had BPD too which is why this guilt of having to abandon him eats me alive. He abandoned me emotionally and made me think he hated me. Sure, maybe that was him splitting but it’s the fact he used me for sexual gain and to boost his ego. I’m empathetic to anyone with this curse of an illness but I had to put me first. I kept mirroring his toxic behaviours too like posting things about him on social media on the sly, love bombing.

Oh god the love bombing. He told me he loved me, told me we were meant to be and the fucking panic when I didn’t message back within minutes. It was like being around my ex all over again.

He went from that to barely even acknowledging my existence. See, if he was more honest and was like “hey, I’m splitting right now I need space” We may have had a chance at friendship but NOOO, he would always tell me he never needed space. That was a lie. Everyone needs space, if he couldn’t communicate that with me that’s his problem. I can’t just telepathically know when someone needs space they need to tell me.

Idk. Yes I’m still bitter. I do wish him well and hope he works on himself as a I am. Part of me wishes I could have just stuck it out but he was my FP and I wasn’t his. It was never gonna work. If he wasn’t my FP maybe it coulda worked out but honestly it’s not fair on him for me to constantly need him and it wasn’t fair on me for him to use my symptoms to his advantage or weaponise them because it hurt more due to him being the FP.

Ayyy rant over 😂

[tiredcommunisstt]

seriously tho what the fuckkkkkkkk I am still triggered by shit!! literally idk if I’m the problem I thought being open and like really honest about how u feel with people was the way to go. i thought u could tell ur friends anything idk I get people thinking suicide is like an attention seeking thing in BPD. i don’t think she even believed me. and she never talked to me again. i literally took a couple mouthfuls of pills and started to have anxiety at work and then I fucking left and went home and laid in my bed. Just because I didn’t want to go to the hospital didn’t mean anything idfk, maybe I shouldn’t have texted u but I was fucking scared. i literally intended to kill myself and went to sleep. Out of three attempts since I was 17 all with Tylenol pills, this was the most I had ever taken, I did feel a little fucked up and sick as fuck and I woke up and literally puked bile and the taste of Tylenol, there was nothing in my stomach, when I looked in the mirror I had red splots on my face but especially under my eyes, I honestly was surprised and scared that I didn’t die. Scared at what I had done to my body. Maybe I shouldn’t have texted u but did u really have to never talk to me again. After literally everything? Hanging out everyday for what felt like forever, I felt literally like I had never had a better friend. idk why it felt like we were so close just for it to end horribly. if u didn’t like me.. like that..after we kissed I would have understood and I seriously don’t get why u feel I wouldn’t have. That was just quite literally the most retarded span of a month I had ever had fr (and I thought we were closer than that)

[snekdood]

idk ig i just don’t believe the whole “we’re reflections of eachother” shit bc it sounds like shit id hear from woowoo new age sites, i think if we’re anything we’re fragments of mirror shards, each shard different for each similarity-- but everyone organizes their own mosaic differently, so the true reflections hide in little glimpses, but it’s hard to see it as “just a reflection of you” since their mosaic looks otherwise incredibly different than yours.

[ihavea-natural-curiosity]

i’m so confused

i know that there’s something definitely wrong with me, like i’m aware it’s not normal to feel like your favorite character and act like them and want to cry when you look in the mirror and see not them

but it’s not DID bc there’s no amnesia or anything like that i just randomly switch personalities and can’t control it and i’ll act very different yet still like myself

i’ve learned abt OSDD where i don’t need to have amnesia to be a system but i feel like i’m faking and the thought of being someone else in someone’s body is terrifying and i feel a bit bad about thinking that i am, and like maybe that’s why i’m so unpredictable is bc the moment someone is slightly rude to me my regulus/sirius black personality kicks in without my consent and just starts fighting with all it’s got and then i’m fully back and like “oh shit what did i just do” but i think having those “personalities” might just be my hyperfixation

and i thought i was having hallucinations but i decided my thoughts were just being weird cause they were all my own voice so idk if it just like intrusive thoughts or what

and sometimes i’m like myself but different, i act completely different, sometimes i want to go completely nonverbal when i’m a very talkative person and then i look back on it like “i remember doing that but i wasn’t doing it, you know?? like i did it. i definitely did but that doesn’t feel like me i don’t feel like i controlled that

and idk i don’t think it’s a dissociative disorder bc again, i can remember, and it’s probably hormones, and people have talked about “blacking out from rage” and maybe people are exaggerating and it’s not actually a black out it’s what im experiencing and it’s totally normal and im overreacting bc im still “me” (idk who tf i am) but like i snap out of this thing and it’s like “why did i do this” like i wasn’t in control in my body at all but i can very much remember

i know that alters are supposed to show up at like 6 and this only recently started happening, and i keep showing trauma responses for things that i don’t think happened to me and i’ve read about alters keeping memories away from the host and shit but like idfk and i feel like im faking and maybe it’s just like BPD or hormones or smth bc i can relate to all the other symptoms i’ve found except amnesia

and it’s normal to be not in control of your body a lot, and i really only feel apart from myself in those moments when i look back on the memories of that fight or whatever it was

and DID is rare and i have been pretty traumatized until i was 7 and i’m still discovering new shit that’s happened to me but all of those disorders are really rare and it could be developing but i’m 14 and i think that’s too late for anything like that to START developing, cause the only thing that i’ve noticed before like this year is that like the depression and anxiety and dissociation and all of that and i’ve also regularly not felt in control but that’s probably my hormones

and i really don’t want to be accidentally faking this detrimental condition and this fighting thing has really affected me and i’d really like to hear from systems and people who are extremely knowledgeable bc i’m just so confused and if i’m faking i promise im not doing it on purpose