#idk maybe it’s just that they aren’t compatible but they kinda suck ._.

[recareels]

Clarey what characters do you have on star rail???

oooh hehehe i have: boothill, gepard, welt (x2), serval, gallagher, hanya, xueyi, sushang, tingyun, hook (like a billion hooks tbh WAY too many hooks), pela, and then the obvious ones like qingque, natasha (x3), herta, asta, dan heng + march 7th!

so not too many tbh!!! at the moment i am saving up for aventurine + sunday!!! so i probably won’t be pulling on any banners until then hehehe (*ﾉωﾉ)

[millllennia]

I HAVE FINISHED ACOSF

thank you guys for dealing with my spam live blogging these last few days. the one friend of mine that reads didn’t get her copy until today so i had no one to scream at 

overall, I’m giving this book a 4/5 stars. I was surprised at how much I liked it. I do have some issues with it (and SJM, as per usual) but I am happy that I read it and I’m thrilled to see that she is improving on some things. slowly. not quick enough. 

detailed review below the cut

starting with the things I didn’t like about it because there aren’t very many:

i have my usual qualms with SJM. those haven’t changed. but there wasn’t a “killing calm” and the boob talk was limited to the first half (mostly) of the book which I appreciated. there was still no gays. every single one of the priestesses that got described was described at pale. her diversity isn’t any better and she needs to be aware and listen to her fans. 

I wish we’d gotten more of cassian’s perspective in the first little bit (like first hundred pages). it felt like that dragged a bit, which might have been a style choice because that’s where Nesta was at mentally, but I didn’t love it. 

There wasn’t enough Mor. making a character come out and then promptly sending her off to a foreign land is lazy and pandering. also one of Nesta and Mor’s only interactions being Nesta getting weirdly jealous for no reason was gross and uncalled for and no. if Nesta believed that she didn’t deserve cassian, she should be happy that he has another woman in his arms and punish herself with the image. that’s how that motivation base works. you don’t just get jealous weirdly one time and then never have it come up again. 

I fundamentally do not believe that SJM is going to kill any member of the court permanently, so the whole storyline about Feyre and Rhys and Nxy and everything fell flat. Rhys is SJM’s favourite and Feyre is her self insert and I just don’t think that she’s going to kill them. Not that I want them to die because I don’t (even though I don’t like Feyre, I think she does bring something to the story) but I just wish that I felt the stakes and that SJM would kill some people. 

NOW FOR THE THINGS I DID LIKE BECAUSE I AM SURPRISED THAT THERE ARE A LOT OF THESE

sjm needs to stay in new adult fantasy. her smut is SO MUCH BETTER when she doesn’t need to come up with creative ways to say dick. also she can have actual smut dialogue so it isn’t just hanging dialogue tags without the filthy talk attached that sound awkward and animalistic and it’s just all. so. much. better. I AM SO HAPPY ABOUT THIS DEVELOPMENT YOU HAVE NO IDEA

also the smut was good. just generally good. I didn’t feel like there was too much of it. consent was a thing without it being like ‘loOk fOlKs tHiS iS cOnSeNt’ which was better. have I read better fanfic smut? absolutely. but also this is a published book and there are different rules and I overall really liked it. 

the lack of feyre was wonderful (stans don’t come for me). she is a fine character but I don’t think she’s interesting and I don’t like her relationship with Rhys and I think they are kinda boring together (despite the fact that Rhys is fascinating. that’s how boring Feyre is. she sucks the life out of rhys) so I was happy that we had some space from her. also Nesta needed that space and Im happy she was given that. 

im very very happy that it was in third person and not first. that’s purely personal preference but I don’t enjoy first person. maybe that’s part of why I don’t like feyre? idk 

it didn’t feel like fake girl power. as much as i love the tog series, there were a lot of moments that felt like pandering. nothing in here felt like pandering and i really really liked that. the whole blood rite thing was well set up and well executed and it wasn’t just “hey girls are as good as boys!” 

nesta is super interesting. cassian is super interesting. i love a reverse slow burn. their relationship isn’t perfect but it’s good and I genuinely like it. I could have done without the mating bond but it actually had a purpose. it wasn’t just ‘ah they like each other so they are now mates’. like there was plot around it. which we love. that is definitely an improvement.

the little moments we get of azriels inner thoughts (like the thing about his scarred hands while holding the baby) made me HURT A LOT but it was really good and i’m hoping we get another book about him and elain? because the subtext is there. im annoyed that the subtext is there but it’s there. I don’t love the three brothers getting paired up with the three sisters because heteronormativity and i hate predictable relationships. but they do seem like they’d be relatively compatible. maybe. and i’d like to see a relationship that goes against the mating bond 

Emerie is a baby sunshine sweetheart that needs to be protected at all costs and I did not miss her queer subtext and maybe that’ll happen??? i just really hope it isn’t her x Gwyn because that would break up the sisterhood. maybe her x Mor? also GIRL GET YOUR WINGS FIXED YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD ONTO THE SCARS 

speaking of GWYN IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND I CANNOT SAY ENOUGH GOOD THINGS ABOUT HER

eris is everything????? he’s definitely one of the coolest antiheros i’ve read in a long long time. I really wanna know what the real story is with Mor. I hope we get more of him. 

I was very happy that this book didn’t end with another surprise army. she did it twice. twice was too much. she’d better not do that again. but this one was good and I was surprised (which rarely happens with her books) so that was nice. 

i’m glad nesta didn’t win the blood rite. it was so much better to have her stand in the pass. like yes that was such a good plot choice. 

I feel like her actual writing itself has improved. this feels like a stronger book and a stronger story and I am weirdly proud of SJM which I lowkey hate myself for saying but it’s true.

so there we have it, folks. 4/5. not bad.  

[golbrocklovely]

Who knows really what happened between him and Iris but what i do know (based on the whole Kian Lawley and his ex's situation) if you block someone, their likes disappear from your pics. If it were a fling though its pretty messed up to bring someone to your friend's show followed by a kickback with them at his best friends apt. cause thats just a let on, Unless she just showed up. Tara wasnt in that vid and she's friends with her.. He might have wanted to take things slow and as someone who has complained about being used for clout and not trusting someone, her going live and "subtly" mentioning who shes talking to may have been a red flag for him cause otherwise who would know who she is? No one followed her for Tara.

it’s not even that his likes aren’t on her page anymore, literally any post he liked, she deleted from her insta.

which is why i think things ended badly between them.

obviously we don’t know what happened between them, so we can only assume. but i feel like... colby was hanging out with a lot of girls at the time. i think bc he had his own apartment where he could do things that he couldn’t have done before in a house with a bunch of guys, i think he took that opportunity. i also think he was testing out to see if he was ready for a gf. i mean, if you think about it, by the end of 2019, he did his q&a video where he said ‘i’m not ready for a gf, and all the girls that are out here sucks’. so maybe by testing the waters, he realized he wasn’t ready and that he hadn’t found someone he felt close to.

and maybe some of the girls he had met/been with weren’t the best.

it could also be that in general they weren’t compatible besides sexual attraction. he could have been taking her to mike’s show and sam’s apartment as a way to see if things could go to a next stage. i think he also wants to make sure whoever he dates is comfortable and liked by his friends, since they mean so much to him. and maybe that just didn’t happen with iris (besides tara of course).

and maybe iris was pissed off that colby didn’t stand up for her against his fans who (incorrectly in her mind) were accusing her of being a bitch at mike’s show. maybe she didn’t like that he wouldn’t follow her and kinda kept her in the shadows.

also, this is a side note that i remembered, but after kevin posted the video iris is in, he made a post on youtube saying something along the lines that ‘idk who that girl is, she just randomly showed up out of no where. maybe she’s a ghost’. and i swear, once that was said about her, i never heard about her again in the fandom lol

of course, now that post has been deleted.

[celestialarcade]

okay so thoughts on never have i ever after watching all 10 eps:

-like first and foremost as much as i can criticize about this show it really is incredible to see a girl like me like an actual sri lankan tamil girl being the lead actress in a netflix original and like i will not shut up about this bc i don't think i've ever seen a sri lankan tamil actress in western media before

-also piggybacking off that its also so so amazing to see actual tamil being spoken on screen in a western teen comedy

-that being said tho i feel like the tamil was super minimal and would have loved to see way more of it especially w devi calling her parents amma and appa!!! also something super common w a lot of tamil kids i know is where their parents will speak to them in tamil and they'll respond in english like i wouldve loved to see conversations like that between devi and her mom

-again the whole thing w ep 4 and it seeming like a White Person's Introduction to Hinduism instead of being like. how tamil hindus actually worship yknow

-the high school age characters are cringey but maybe i'm just getting too old to watch high school shows lmao (although i only just turned 20 so idk??)

-i LOVE kamala her character feels so real to me and i would love to see a show focused more on her and her situations with both steve and prashant like the show did a good job w her like wanting to be w steve but also how she legitimately gives prashant a chance too and i LOVE love love how her and prashant decide to like date for a while and see if theyre compatible but while still having the end goal of marriage on the table from the beginning, like thats def super realistic to modern arranged marriages

-nalini sometimes feels like a typical tamil mom and then other times feels too whitewashed like idk i know a lot of ammas who've lived in the states for 20-30 years and don't act as white as nalini does sometimes

-i think the fight between devi and her mom in the last 2 eps felt super real, like my mom and i have also had similar fights like the whole thing about her losing the sheet music like i definitely felt that super hard, my mom's always been super tough on me and it def made me feel like shit at times even though i obvs know now that she cares abt me

-i love devi's dad i think the portrayal of mohan waa rly well done especially since i know so many tamil girls who are their appa's chellam lmao, overall he was a rly likeable character

-ALSO i love how nalini and mohan are shown to actually be in love like we def need more rep like that instead of parents begrudingly stuck in an arranged marriage bc its their duty (even tho that definitely happens in real life and is the case w my parents)

-i wish the show wasn't so focused on devi wanting to have sex like she's supposed to be 15!!! let her be 15!!!! let her have other interests and don't make her blow off her friends just for some guy

-i wish devi didn't hate her heritage so much :( like idk. i also went through a period where i felt too brown for white people and too white for brown people but i feel like she refuses to acknowledge ANYTHING good about her culture??? like the show took normal child of immigrant feelings and blew them way out of proportion to essentially be "i hate being indian"

-p small gripe but since the lead actress is sri lankan it would've been so cool to have a sri lankan family instead of an indian family but honestly its not that big of a deal

-devi should not have gotten with either paxton or ben both of them kinda suck and i wish mindy kaling would stop doing enemies to lovers in all her shows bc i don't think she ever executes it well

-idk i didnt care too much about most of the other characters but i do love how the main cast wasn't all white minus the main character (aka like the mindy project was) and i also thought fabiola's coming out storyline was nice but can we please get some other non cishet characters!!! its 2020 a lot of teens aren't cishet

-also tho i did wish some of the other characters got more closure or had more complete ends to their storylines like the whole thing w eleanor and her mom, idk i guess if theres a season 2 hopefully there's less loose threads that need to be tied up at the end

-i'm probably missing some other stuff but again overall even tho i'm not the biggest fan i'm definitely rly happy for the tamil representation and would love to see the show get another season to really explore the juxtaposition of american culture and tamil culture that comes with being a child of immigrants

[shinrasfirst]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥

My muse is:   canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless /

Is your character popular in the fandom?  YES / NO.

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK.

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK.

Are they underrated?  YES / NO.

Were they relevant to the main story?  YES / NO. (I mean? I’m not sure? I hope he will be more important, but as it is, he could have been cut out of Part 1 of the remake.)

Were they relevant to the main character?  YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG. (Except that he kinda saved him.. I can’t answer these questions, I am so biased.)

Are they widely known in their world?  YES / NO. (?)

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL. Depends on who you ask, I’d say!

How strictly do you follow canon?

There isn’t much canon to go on, first of all. I am taking what I can get and expand on it. There’s probably some stuff about him that I don’t know, because I am notoriously bad at researching things properly, and also I forget stuff. So.. he’s canon-based as much as possible, but then majorly fleshed out by my own ideas because otherwise he’d be a very two-dimensional character.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutual.

He’s wild and fun and crazy and could make for some interesting threads---

He is actually compatible with a lot of muses because he technically works for Shinra, but then doesn’t seem to give a lot of fucks about his employment status, meaning he can also work with the other side without me having to change his setting much.

He’s gorgeous. Look at him.

He is flirty and easy to smut with.

He has a completely unknown backstory that could be explored c;

Did you see that ass?

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  

He’s a bit nuts. If you’re looking for a predictable, soft, sweet romance or friendship, he is not your guy.

He'll probably die young. And there shall be angst and pain.

I’ve seen some people really reduce him to a maniac to lives on the road to attack random people. If that’s your idea of Roche then I am sure you wouldn’t be looking for threads with him~

He is tough to write love/romance with. Like proper romance.

He has a completely unknown backstory.. so my version might differ greatly from what you have in mind.

What inspired you to rp your muse?  

I played the Remake and driving on those motorcycles was insane but kind of fun - and then shows up this guy who just drove right into my heart as soon as he popped up on the screen, laughing like a mediocre villain from YuGiOh. I thought that was all it was going to be, but I was thrilled to see that it wasn’t. I just love this character. I rewatched his fight scenes with Cloud a hundred times. He is so.. peculiar. I just couldn’t stop thinking about him, and then I saw a bit more of him on tumblr, fanarts and such, and I wanted to give it a shot :)

What keeps your inspiration going? 

New headcanons about him that pop into my head. Finding other people who love him and talking to them & rping with them! Like with all muses, I tend to love them even more the longer I play them, compared to when I start out, because new stories around them develop, I get a clearer image of their character and backstory in my head, and new plans for their future :) On a more to-the-point level: quotes, poems, music, images, all those things give me inspiration. Also similar characters in other media, or stories that fit Roche and that I can recycle and reform into part of his.

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO. According to whom? I am alright with the way I write him, or I’d be doing it differently. Would Square Enix think I am doing a good job? Idk. Do other Roche rpers think I am? Idk. Does it matter? As long as there are people who enjoy writing with my version of him, I am doing my job, I think :) There are Roche portrayals I find “better” than mine in some ways, more developed, but I don’t really compare myself in that way. 

Do you frequently write headcanons?  YES / NO.

Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES / NO.  

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO.

Are you confident in your portrayal?   YES / NO. Yes and now because while I stand to the way I write all my muses, Roche in particular is one I haven’t fully developed yet. There are things about his story I am still unsure about or have no clear ideas for yet. So, I’m not feeling insecure when I write him, but I am not overly confident in throwing him in any situation, because something might come up that’ll require me to think harder that I’d have to while playing.. e.g. Rufus.

Are you confident in your writing?  YES / NO. I’m no Rowling, I’m no Tolkien, I know that. But I think my writing is alright. I try to put some internal thoughts in my replies, describe the scene abit, offer some dialogue if applicable, and move the action forward. I am not writing a book here, I am writing something interactive, so my partner is my main concern aside from telling the story. I do feel like I’m doing an okay job at that, so in that sense I am confident in my writing.

Are you a sensitive person?  YES / NO. I’m not entirely sure what this is referring to, but generally I’d say no. I can deal with most topics, it’s pretty hard to offend me, I’m open to most things, and there are very few issues I feel like they can’t be solve with just talking about them.

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal?

It depends? I almost never get constructive criticism. What I absolutely accept is things like.. someone correcting mistakes I’ve made in terms of timelines or canon facts, because I am lazy by default and tend to not research something well and just wing it. So it might be that I’ll put some fake news into my threads that I have no problem with if someone corrects - actually, please do, I’ll gladly fix it. (Especially if they’re relevant to your muse.)

If someone dislikes a headcanon of mine or something that is particular to my portrayal of Roche, that’s really not something I aspire to change. I have my ideas of him and everyone else has their own. If a friend came to me and told me a certain headcanon of mine makes no sense because of the canon storyline or whatever, and it sounded valid to me, I’d consider that. That wouldn’t offend me. If someone just told me they dislike an idea I had, that is the kind of criticism I don’t really accept. That’s not criticism to me, that is a personal opinion that we disagree on. It’s not my problem if someone dislikes my portrayal, they don’t have to interact with it. I take no offense in that, unless it’s reported to me in a rude manner.

With regard to my writing? I don’t ask for criticism and I don’t really want it either. I know what areas I have to work on in order to improve, I don’t need anyone to give me pointers there. I have enough of that in my academic papers at university ;) This is a hobby, so I’m trying to have a good time and good plays with others, I’m not trying to win any awards. However, if I post a reply my partners aren’t sure how to work with (e.g. they need more dialogue, or more action) I am absolutely willing to edit it, no problem. Also, not just on tumblr/in the RPC but in general, people are really really REALLY bad at giving constructive criticism. It never ceases to amaze me how much people suck at that. Like I said, I don’t get offended easily, but it makes me laugh sometimes (e.g. after presentations at uni) how horrible the feedback comes across sometimes. And then everyone gets butthurt and I once again marvel at the fact that no lecturer ever gives advice on how to give good feeback. (I guess because a lot of lecturers can’t do it either.)

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?  

Absolutely! It helps a lot. Sometimes it’s a real challenge, but those are necessary and very welcome while developing a character. Other people often think of things I didn’t even consider, so I welcome it when they come into my askbox with these questions :)

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why? 

Maybe? If it was a friend or an rp partner, I’d hear them out for sure. If it was someone I don’t even write with.. maybe not. Like, what’s the point? Clearly I made up my mind about it, so why would you come to me to inform me that you see it differently? Go right ahead, neither one of us writes these games, so both our versions are equally right or wrong. If it’s about something that could lead to an interesting discussion, though? I’d be interested to hear your thoughts.

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it?

I'd say some people like chocolate ice cream and some like vanilla. That’s okay. I’m not trying to please everyone on tumblr, I’m here to write what I want to write and if just one other person likes my portrayal, that can be enough for me :) If someone dislikes my portrayal, they’re free not to interact with me.

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it?  

I’ve written more characters that were absolutely despised by a good chunk of the fandoms I was in, than characters who were loved, I think. I couldn’t care less. If someone hates Roche - or any of my muses - that’s their thing and has nothing to do with me. As long as they don’t feel the need to inform me about it or send me hate over it, what’s it to me? I don’t need people to like my favorite characters, it has no influence on how I feel.

But also.. why would you hate Roche? Look at him, he’s amazing :D

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors?  

Sure. English isn’t my first language, I’m sure I make mistakes all the time. I’m not embarrassed by that, everyone makes mistakes, even people whose first language is English. That being said, don’t go weeding through my posts looking for mistakes, because I won’t go back and fix them in most cases, so it’s really a waste of time~

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?

I think so. I’m pretty relaxed most of the time, and I try to be polite and kind in any situation that comes up. I don’t get offended unless you’re accusing me of something I didn’t do, twist my words, insult my friends, or act like a total brat. Before I start a war with someone, I’ll usually withdraw myself from the situation. I am pro-unfollowing/blocking if I dislike someone. I would never send anon hate or write a call out. I’m not here for that. I think we should all try to be kinder than we feel, we should all show respect for others and tolerate differences, and we should try to treat people the way we want to be treated. Live and let live.

That’s about it, congrats for filling out!

Tagged by:  stole it. Tagging: anyone who’d like!

[unproduciblesmackdown]

let's do a classic Primez ask

thank you lol Prime Time is.....6 am is when im posting this, christ lol what else is new around here........Good Morning in advance lol and [rise and shine sailors it be monday]

2: Favorite book?

i don’t have one lol

3: Favorite fictional character?

i also don’t Properly have like, all-time ultimate Faves in these kind of categories either, but there’s still standouts at least lol......obviously lately it might show that i’m enjoying winston billions a lot, and natch that’s just One of the many wrol roles i’ve been glad to discover. natch winston, jared, and jeremy are fave raves amonth them

5: What’s your favorite fictional ship? (Canon or otherwise)

this is the same as the [fave fictional characters] thing in that like, sometimes i’ll Consume something where i don’t have any, and generally i’m out here multishipping and not like live or die by one Specific Pairing, if i like a character i’ll also probably like Many of their dynamic/s with various other characters, unless the options are That limited.......tying this in to the fave fictional character thing, re: winston, naturally tayston and benston, aka the fruits of us all combining our Genius, are top tier and here’s riawin where we don’t know for sure where it’s going but we’re getting some great Dynamic(tm) stuff anyways.....and natch re: jared i Enjoy Kleinsen (as something to make up ideas about that are outside canon and also as a perspective thru which to analyze canon) and re: jeremy.....stagedorks is beautiful, wild to have canon just give you some content that’s already as good as that

7: List 3 negative traits you have 

well i can be fairly anxious about certain things, which is mostly negative for me lol.........a more negative 2-way street is that i’m just generally in defensive mode around people lol, often i’m like, just trying to avoid Attention entirely and/or like uh oh attention, gotta try to just avoid taking damage from it lol.......on a gradual journey to just being default More Unpleasant / less accommodating lmao......not that i can’t be sometimes, or that i can’t be Genuinely Friendly with randos coz i like their vibe and actually Like socializing lol.........and then re: the challenges of socializing, it seems like maybe when i’m in an interaction i get caught up in [uh oh how do i Respond a) at all b) in a way that’s Good(tm)] and it maybe makes me less attentive to the other person / a worse Listener smh

11: How do you decide when it’s time to cut someone out of your life for good?

idk luckily it’s not something i’ve had to do left and right lol.......but ime it’s Also not exactly like. usually a “ah Now Is The Time to have zero relationship with this person” and most often it’s like [gradual distancing period that is mostly passive] and/or just choosing Not to reinitiate any sort of relationship........though re: more active approaches lol it’s more like. time to try to tune into my [does this feel like something indefinitely sustainable / something you actually Want to have continue in any way] gauge or whatevs. and then still it’s like, sometimes easier if moments happen to come along that provide an [opt out?] choice presented to you kinda lol.........if it’s someone You don’t want to be involved with really but they don’t feel the same and it’s “on you” to decide to peace out at some point it’s more difficult coz such [do you want to opt out]-distilled Moments probably don’t seem to manifest but i think that’s a useful thing to be aware of in itself........i.e. that there’s not always going to be a Narrative-Friendly “point of no return” / clear Line Being Crossed and even if it Doesn’t feel like “i can’t / don’t want to deal with this for Literally one more day” that doesn’t mean you should totally stick it out / don’t have enough reason to decide that you are Done at this particular moment even if you haven’t been Done prior or think you plausibly hold off on it. don’t need to have some kind of story where you think if you Explained it to anyone or everyone it’d universally be understood and everything would applaud like “Yes, the Right Decision” lmao like. not their business....

13: What are your favorite lyrics currently?

well with our groupchat in the replies to that Eternally Crying Over The Bar Song post..........just enjoy the “stay here for a while / cuz it’s nice / cuz it’s holy” part of the refrain, a fun part of the music, and that classic iconis like, lyrics being in a sort of character Voice and yet getting the idea / feelings across effectively even when the words are sort of general or simple.......”shooting from the heart / but we’re all a lousy shot” is great lol and also “say you will always be here” ending with “for one more” is like, there’s another Broader Idea / Sentiment expressed so effectively :’|

17: If you could make a wish, what would you wish for if you knew it would come true?

i can’t do any fun answers lmao it’d just be like [political commentary] but that’s warranted lbr

19: How do you handle heartbreak? Is it something that’s easy for you to get over, or something you struggle with?

lmao i think it is like By Definition not easy for anyone to get over / Not struggle with.........can’t say i’ve had Romantic Misadventures exactly but uh yeah it feels bad to feel bad but i like......wait it out???? idk lmao you can’t really just timeskip past.....Heartbreak Sucks For Everyone Cuz That’s Kind Of The Whole Thing

23: What do you want your future to be like?

pandemic-less, fascism-less........i can’t say i’ve ever been someone like “yea i Know what i want to do and have this whole plan set out how i’m gonna do it lol” i remember when i was like 4 or 5 or whatever being asked What Do You Want To Do When You Grow Up and i was like “shit idk.......i like dinosaurs so i guess paleontologist??” and it was as much a mystery going forward.........always and still mostly playing things by ear with a few vague “if / then” type ideas......aren’t we all though ig

29: Do you think zodiac signs can influence someone’s personality to an extent?

what do i know but i Don’t like or respect the recent years trend ppl being way into it like this isn’t [being really serious about hogwarts houses] or Earnest Myer Briggs Types energy that everyone’s bringing to it......like what are you getting out of trying to be this Prescriptive based on when ppl’s parents got into it. meanwhile i’ve been on the edge of my seat since someone tweeted about “when will we get the first astrology discrimination lawsuit” re: a story about ppl wanting a housemate with a certain sign for compatibility reasons. and like again if it Is like “yes there are time-of-year Personality Types for Objective Real” like. okay, still, what is this Approach that ppl have....doing for anyone.....

31: What does ‘self care’ look like for you?

not very fancy lol i’ll be like “damn i think i haven’t eaten today” and then do it......or be like hey here i’m gonna Do A Stretch or some shit. walk around. step outside if it’s nice. both true that Self Care has inherent limitations re: like we can’t just cancel out all the detriments to our wellbeing via Personal Choices and yet also we can’t Not look out for ourselves how we can......i’ll watch something that i Enjoy. or just knock out if it’s like “christ i need a mood reset” or i’m trying to timeskip through a headache. pet a cat. i like to try to be Appreciative of everyday ordinary shit......also messing around Making Stuff whether drawings or otherwise can be a good helpful use of time, i like talking to people who i like talking to, and other stunning stuff like that lol

37: Have you ever been surprised by someone staying in your life?

not really lol coz again with how i’m pretty slow to realize that someone is like, nonzero actively interested in interacting with me on a regular basis, and then once someone’s In My Life there’s no particular point where i go “whoa....You’re still here??”......ig sometimes there’s like, Friendly Acquaintances where it’d be Unsurprising if they just sort of dropped fully out of the orbit but they do not

41: How do you show you care?

hmm i sure like to do ppl favors / give them gifts / help them out w/ whatever, hang out / generally be Around them where like, doing [parallel tasks] works i.e. maybe we’re doing different things but in the same room.....just like to Talk and all and listen to ppl and Learn Things About Them, try to pick up stuff re: ways that ppl express like “hey to me it conveys Being Cared About when ppl do ___”........food/cooking is a love language......that thing where shit you’d be way too anxious to do on your own For Yourself is like, oh i’m absolutely gonna do it on behalf of someone i care about.......all this stuff is more like, Possible in person lmao rip. i Care you guys

43: Which of the seven deadly sins do you feel represents you the most?

who is your hellsona and what is their origin story (how they got condemned to hell).........if i’m irritable / argumentative am i wrathful? you could presumably someone saying yep it is inherently the one deadly sin of lust if you’re queer.......at any given time i’m passed out and dreaming about “fuck capitalism and the protestant work ethic” and that’s sloth i guess. and okay i went “who named an animal after a The Deadly Sin as if it’s like ‘wow fuck this animal for choosing not to zoom around as though they could and i apparently think that they should’ tf” and in looking it up i immediately learned the Sloth Fact that apparently their shits are insane and also the most dangerous thing they do?? like they poop only maybe once a week and All At Once so that a single dump might knock off a third of their total weight........and it’s pretty much the only time they leave the upper branches of trees, in that they crawl down to hold on to the trunk and take this monster shit and naturally they’re not great on the ground so Pooping is like the leading cause of death for sloths in the wild. and i think they ought to be named after that. 

47: What are you passionate about?

oh man [i am passionate a lot.mp3] lol.........always having a variety of Interestes which i like to talk about / potentially make things about.......decent amount of subjects i like to learn things about even if  i’m bad at like, actually learning things generally lmao, what’s Not losing focus on shit.......idk it’s not that hard for me to like go off about Whatever, got these jack of all trades interests / areas of Some knowledge, i’m opinionated and probably have something (extensive) to say about anything as just part of my charm lol, and just in general i can get Enthused / worked up about things..........also passionate about various [niche gay shit] things eternally. whoms among us isn’t

[thebookworm0001]

Words cannot express how much i want either a gaming laptop or a pc

Friend, I understand you completely. It’s why I saved up for a long time to build my own. Did you come here for a how-to on how to build one for yourself? Probably not! But I’m gonna tell you how anyway because it is significantly cheaper to build yourself a pc than to buy one (and laptops are even more expensive).

So! You wanna build a computer? Here’s what you need:

-Motherboard. All the things plug into this. Very Important. Do not break. When handling, touch metal beforehand so you don’t shock it with static and fry it. Comes in 3 sizes aka form factors: ATX (standard). mATX (smaller). itx (holy shit its tiny) smaller=/=cheaper! all pretty much have the same layout and all come with a manual. front panel connectors are a bitch.

-CPU. Your processor! The thing that processes all the ones and zeros into shit you actually understand. Very expensive. Very delicate. Do not drop. Needs something to keep it cool. Lots of cpus will come with a cpu fan in the box but not all. They touch the cpu with a weird paste called thermal paste that helps heat go away. Fans or liquid cooling will screw into the motherboard over the cpu.

-GPU. The most expensive part of your build, probably. If you’re building a gaming pc it’ll probably be ~1/3 of your budget. It’s the thing that makes everything pretty and visible. Gotta have a graphics card to see what the ones and zeros are doing. Two brands rule the GPU market: Nvidia and AMD. Idk if one is better than the other but I went AMD because i could get a better one for cheaper so.

-RAM. Your computer’s short-term memory. Lots of RAM means more tabs of Google Chrome open at a time. 16 gigs will get you through just about anything. 32 is generally overkill. 8 is less than you want for a dedicated gaming pc since most newer games have a higher RAM demand.

-Storage. Comes in two forms: a physical hard drive (reliable but kinda slow at this point when compared to an ssd. definitely your cheapest option) or a solid-state drive (smaller than a HD. much faster. more expensive. generally comes either as a 2.5″ brick-looking thing or a stick called an m.2 which is even more expensive and even faster) You want enough of this to store your operating system and games on. Lots of people go with a base of 1 TB (1000 gigabytes) because games take up a lot of room. 500 can get you through if your library is smaller or you don’t mind rotating games on and off the computer. can get one big storage thing or as many as you want. some people have a smaller ssd to hold the operating system and frequently used games (so they load fast) and store everything else on a much larger hd.

-Power Supply. Pretty self explanatory. The thing that powers all the other things. You want one that gives you enough power for all the parts to work at the same time at max capacity. Don’t cheap out on this they can do weird shit like explode and break all your parts. Come in three types: non-modular, semi-modular, and modular. it just determines how many power cords are permanently attached to the power supply. non-modular are cheaper, but tend to have mustard-and-ketchup colored cords (not pretty) and they can be a pain to manage. you gotta hide those extra cords you aren’t using somewhere (which is why people like cases with a ‘shroud’ or little box that hides the power supply). Modular are more expensive but it’s really nice to only plug in the cables you need. 

-Operating system. Yeah you built the computer but you gotta have a thing that lets you interact with it. Windows is the most common. You can also get it for free. Kinda. Gotta flash drive? Go here and download the windows installer, stick the usb into your new computer and BAM! Windows is installed. You’ll have a nasty watermark and be unable to put your own background on it without an activation key (~$130 for Windows 10) but you can use it.

-Case. The thing you put everything else into. Can be plain black boxes or wierd illuminati pyramid things. Make sure the size matches up with your motherboard form factor. There are these little screws called standoffs in the case that secure the motherboard to it. The standoffs have to match up or the motherboard won’t fit. Power supplies and graphics cards also have to fit inside the case - make sure it’s big enough. Those dimensions will be listed with the info for the case and the individual parts. Case can come with fans or without. (You need fans. They keep your parts from heating up - which kills them. there’s also water cooling but its more expensive and scares the heck out of me. most cases only really need the fans that come with but you can add more.)

That’s it! (well. plus a monitor and keyboard and mouse and speakers/headphones but those aren’t the computer. also optional: rgb - the fun lights that make your case look like a unicorn barfed inside it. can be part of your fans or just strips of lights. lots of gaming motherboards have rgb built in. i like rgb.)

Sites like https://pcpartpicker.com/ will help you figure out the parts you need and if they’re compatible. Because it sucks to buy your parts and realize they don’t go together. The big ones? Motherboard and cpu. CPUs are generally made by either Intel or AMD. Currently, AMD is the best bang for your buck. Motherboards are designed to work with one brand of cpu - and generally specific chipsets. Motherboards will tell you the chipsets or series they work with (eg a 3000 series chipset which means it can work with any ryzen 3000 cpu like a Ryzen 5 3600 or 9 3900x). Motherboards will also only work with specific RAM depending on your CPU. There’s a support page on their sites that gives cpu and ram compatibility. RAM support pages show up like this:

which sucks (this is for the B550M AORUS ELITE (rev. 1.0) board from Gigabyte)

just google that module pin and the right shit will pop up. that first one is the  VENGEANCE® LPX 32GB (4 x 8GB) DDR4 DRAM 4000MHz C19 Memory Kit - Red (aka corsair’s vengence lpx line of ram with 4 8gb sticks of ram that run at 4000 megahertz in a fancy red case - you can see all that info in the pin number if you pay attention but its easier to google. the faster the ram [that MHz number] the more expensive. the more gigabytes the more expensive. ram also comes with rgb options. they are more expensive.)

Always makes sure stuff is compatible. Pcpartpicker will tell you if something isn’t. It’s very helpful. but also check the motherboard support lists. nothing else has compatibility issues generally: manufacturers want you to be able to use whatever parts you can get with their stuff so you keep buying from them.

sites like https://benchmarks.ul.com/ https://www.gpucheck.com/ and https://www.userbenchmark.com/ are great for comparing. wanna know if you can get a cheaper part that works just as well? go to these places. 

benchmarks.ul

gpucheck (RX Vega 56 vs AMD Radeon Rx 5600 xt)

userbenchmark (Jedi: Fallen Order recommended parts vs my own build)

Newegg.com is a really great place to buy your parts and it usually has the cheapest prices. Make sure to shop around though. pcpartspicker is pretty good about telling you where the best prices are, but sometimes amazon or newegg will drop their prices randomly. also with the plague times, prices and availability are fucking weird right now. stuff will be out of stock for weeks. just. pay attention and check frequently.

I really like this video for trying to figure out budgets. Only have $300 to spend? They got you. Have $3000? They’ve got a guide for that as well. There’s a ton of budget build guides out there but this is the most recent one I like. Motherboard prices could be down a bit due to the very recent release of the b550 chipset, but again, plague times are making computer parts more expensive. That channel has a ton of reviews actually (and step-by-step guides for building) and is geared toward the gaming-minded so if they say a laptop or prebuilt computer is good and fits your budget, check it out. Prebuilts make life easier for you, but you can end up getting a less-than-stellar quality with the additional cost of construction. plus building your own means you know exactly what to do when it comes time to upgrade your parts. 

once you put everything where it should go, turn it on! it might not work, that’s okay. you might not have plugged something in all the way! or maybe a part was dead on arrival. get that fixed and install your operating system. once that’s done - get connected to the internets (if you don’t have a wifi card installed you gotta plug that sucker into the wall via an ethernet cable) and start downloading drivers from the motherboard manufacturer’s website and the gpu manufacturer’s website. your motherboard might come with a dvd of them but if you don’t have an optical drive (dvd player) that doesn’t help you. update your operating system. then download your games and play! (you can also do this thing called overclocking where you go into the bios when your computer is loading and max out all your hardware’s settings but that isn’t necessary for casual gameplay and can also void your warranties)

i hope you enjoyed that infodump you didn’t ask for!

[aro-ace-advice]

so, this dude and i have been like more than friends kinda by cuddling and stuff and last night me n him cuddled for a WHILE and he legit almost slept over on accident. but today, he texts me, and says that it was just cuddling and it wasn’t anything else and that he thinks of me as a “sister.” now, idk abt u, but slapping ur ass while ur cuddling isn’t sibling like at all. and i tell my friend this (whose his best friend) and she’s so surprised he said that and did that. cont in another ask🤪🤪

PT 2. so after i read his texts i’m just. floored. bc what the fuck. i totally respect his decision bc if he’s not looking for anyone or anything i understand. but the fact of leading me on like that hurt like hell. i’ve been played in the past before too idk what to do anymore :( help pls i feel so used and kinda worthless bc i give so much and care abt people and then i get nothing in return :/

aw hun, i know the feeling :( it sucks when you try really hard with someone and you end up feeling used. you’re not worthless! in no way does being open and honest with someone make you worthless. it makes you brave and selfless in your willingness to trust someone new! rarely in situations like this is the problem something you’ve caused. sometimes things just don’t work because you and that person aren’t compatible, but there are definitely people out there who will take advantage of trust. maybe this guy is one of them. or maybe it’s something else. there are so many possibilities as to what could have happened, but none of them really matter, since it still happened and excuses don’t really make things better. explanations, sure, but there’s a big difference between that and trying to use an excuse to make the issue go away without actually working to fix it, but that’s not the point here. i think that what you should do is focus on yourself. take care of you, and make sure you’re feeling okay after what happened! maybe take a self-care day, and remind yourself that it’s not your fault when someone randomly changes their mind on you like that. it doesn’t really matter why he did what he did. if you don’t want to be friends with him (or more, if it comes back to that) you absolutely don’t have to be! remember that old proverb ‘fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me’ thingy? well, it’s true, or at least the first half is. if he’s fooled you, that’s on him for purposefully deceiving you. personally i have some beef with the second half– second chances aren’t always bad, and if someone keeps fooling you, that’s still on them for continuing to take advantage of your trust. keep that in mind if this happens again. trust is an important thing to be able to give. and yeah, it hurts real bad when someone breaks it, but it doesn’t make you worthless. a kind gesture is never, ever worthless. it makes you strong for continuing to be kind to people regardless of past experiences. you’re probably always going to come across people like this, and the best you can do for yourself is learn how to spot them and continue to take care of yourself first. don’t be discouraged! there are people who will give back too, and you’ll find them.

[thedappleddragon]

haha here we go again

there's a lot of dumb ranting and 3 days worth of logs and a dream in here so im gonna spare evryone’s dashboard and just put it all under the cut.

tw bad memories, talk of unhealthy relations with food, and dreams about dead animals

I realized I kind of entirely forgot to write about what I did yesterday? I kind of did a lot. I know my mom wanted to work on getting tile laid out in front of her bathroom, so we worked together to scrub the concrete and wipe up all the dirt and dust and whatever was under the carpet and remove some of the nails in the floor and bring up a spiky metal strip between the bathroom door and where the carpet was. The other main thing I remember is deciding to continue work on my dress, sewing up the outer bodice, checking that the bodice and lining would fit together, deciding I’d rather have no different colored front panel, and working on the circle skirt. At first I tried cutting the fabric on my bed, but it wasn’t big enough and too lumpy. I contemplated asking my friends if I could borrow their dining table, but I ended up clearing off my own. After I traced and was in the middle of pinning, I accidentally knocked over a glass bowl that I had set on the chair. My mom heard it from the other room and had me come to her room to tell her what it was. She got angry at me, which I thought was fuckin stupid if it was an accident, but after some reflection while cleaning up the glass pieces, I kind of understood why. Mostly I got a little upset about 2 ceramic pieces I made during school breaking a little from the drop. One was a mushroom house from middle school that always makes me remember feeling like an asshole during peer review when I told my person to smooth their project more because I didn’t know “no improvement needed” was an option until I got back to my desk and saw my person saying it was good in all categories because everyone thought my project was great for some reason. The other was a bunch of flowers on a circle. It was the last project we did before quarantine hit, I think. That one is in less tough shape, just a couple flowers knocked off and a chip on one of them. They can both be glued back together, I guess. Then my mom called me back into her room to listen to her talk about wanting to eat huge amounts of food, because she’s clinically depressed with BPD and PTSD and DID and several other acronyms and her favorite coping mechanism is food, but her doctor put her on a diet so she can get her knees replaced, but recently she’s been getting into a zone where she talks about wanting to eat entire cakes and pizzas and buckets of kfc and a gallon of queso or whatever the fuck and she goes “doesn’t that sound GOOD?” And I have to laugh along and say “haha no that sounds bad actually” and get her a piece of ham or something. And every time she goes on her spiel the only thing I can think of is the greedy from the raggedy Ann and Andy musical. It’s just this horrible undulating orange blob that eats everything in sight and seeing it for the first time just made me think of mom and it made me very uncomfortable, with all the orange goo and hurling noises. Also reminds me of this horrible video game boss fight where it’s the apocalypse and a fat lady on a scooter took over the buffet and eats so much during her boss fight, during the defeat cutscene she projectile vomits everywhere and dies. My brother Greg showed me that thinking it was funny. I hated it, and I still do. He showed me a lot of things he thought were funny as a shitty little kid, and I remember several of them being very upsetting. It’s ok. I don’t want to dwell on it. But after cleaning the glass and talking to mom I brought my fabric to my room and called it a night. Oh wait my dad also helped me with some paperwork my coworker handed me so I could get on the payroll.

Today I woke up differently than I have in a long time. I set an alarm for 10 am so I could be at work by 11, but I woke up at 9 from a heavy sleep with dreams about hanging out with my friend in my room, worrying about my dirty house. I wanted to sleep longer, so I got up at 10 to have breakfast and get ready. I spent my shift changing the price tags all around the store, making everything more expensive. I’m gonna work again on Tuesday where I’ll learn how to use the register. I hope I don’t fuk it up, but I have a couple days to relax until then. Maybe I’ll work on my dress. My friends all want to go to prom together, so my new deadline will be March 2nd or a little before. I still need to buy a ticket, but I don’t have access to the link to buy one :( bleh I’m too tired right now to worry about this shit. I only worked 4 hours again today, but after I got home I felt like I could have worked longer if they gave me something else to do. The only price tags left to change were a bunch of grills and stuff I don’t know about but I don’t know if they had any other work for my to do. But I’m glad I went home tho because I was hungry and my feet hurt from standing lol. I did laundry and made myself dinner and washed my hair and drew a little bit and made the table and tbh the pacing of today has been so weird I don’t remember everything. It’s only 1am but I think I’m just gonna go to bed. my friends started talking about going to prom, and I really want to join them, but I can't figure out where/how to buy a ticket. my brain started being really mean to me, syaing that I was being annoying and pushy and that they didnt want me at prom for some reason, so I low-key almost made myself cry until my friend offered to let me be their platonic date since their partner couldn't go. 

last night I had a dream about a hard video game where when you played it, the black shadow enemies would fight you in real life, and one of them left imprints on my arm in the shape of lego bricks. they could only attack you so long as you played the game, and they tried to capture people and you were supposed to save them. I decided it was my time to play, and I walked into my garage that had turned into a cave with bat-people fused into the wall. I paid them no mind as I rescued a girl who was my irl brother, grabbing her hand and pulling her into another versoin of my garage which was uncorrupted and normal looking. she thanked me, and I said it was no problem. then I tricked her, telling her not to trust so easily, as I became one of the shadow enemies and engulfed her in a black sack, trapping her and leaving the room. I came back a couple minutes later, letting him free (now my brain told me he was my brother) telling him I just wanted to know if I was capable of tricking him, and didnt actually want to kill him or whatever.  another big chunk of my dream was taken up by me, my sister, and my dad visiting a run down petting zoo/gamestop. the petting zoo barn was very dark with low ceilings with lots of rabbits and pigs and hay. one of us accidentally killed either a pig or a tiger right next to the exit door, and I had to slink around the gamester trying to distract the owner and keep him from going in the barn and escaping at the same time. I dont remember how it ended, other than me waking up with a sore throat from breathing so deeply through my nose. I had slept on my stomach wit my pillow in my face so I could hardly breathe, and even after I woke up I felt like I wasnt getting enough air. I HATE that feeling, I always felt like I was suffocating in middle school for some reason. I thinkk somethings wrong with my airway but im not gonna do anything about it. im gonna continue to spend 80% of my day laying down so my resting heart rate and breathing speed is slower than an goddamn sloth. whatever.

right now as im laying in bed typing this I feel utterly unpoductive but I KNOW I did SOME shit today. but yeah mostly I relaxed. I worked on my dress, removing and replacing the blue front panel. I lost my exacto knife somewhere so I went to dollar tree to get a knockoff, along with snacks for mom and my sister. the blades aren't as sharp as exacto, but I still know where the name brands blades are so maybe Ill try and see if they're compatible. when I open the package everything was oily and gross, so I washed everything off with soap and water before I used them to cut the threads of the panel seams. I could have used my seam ripper but I wanted to get a replacement craft knife anyway. its kinda neat that it came with 6 different shaped blades for different crafts :) but uhh I also cut out the other half of the circle skirt of the dress, and I have a bunch of extra fabric left over. probably enough to make a whole other bodess if I wanted too. I used my sewing machine to attach the new front panel, and I was hoping to get more sewing done tonight, but when I asked my sister if it was ok for me to use my sewing machine (it right next to the wall between our rooms so she can hear it from there) she said she was going to bed soon so I just attatched the front panel and called it a night. so that kinda sucked. I still have another day tomorrow before I have to work again, and I can still work on my dress on Tuesday after work. idk why my brain thinks that one 4 hour shift is gonna take up my entire day lmao. I just have to get the whole thing done by may 2nd. GOD that reminds me, im gonna be so busy next month. I have six events back to back happening like every other day, plus work. oof. I'll have to let my boss know, but idk If that's gonna make him mad. I've already got pretty comfortable with the lady in charge of the garden center who’s taken lead position while the manager is on vacation, but I dont think I;ll every understand my boss. he’s a sarcastic busy old man and NOT AT ALL approachable. whatever. really the only other tings I did today were drink a shit ton of water play harvest moon, spend too much time on tiktok, and sraw a couple dum things for my friends’ princess au. I fucking HATE the drawing I did for Anna, so I designed her a secondary outfit more inspired by sky pirate bohemian vibes, since she rules over the floating islands. idk if I'll replace her old outfit with the new one in the lineup or just re-draw her old one with better shapes and composition and match the style better or what. I just need it changed eventually becasuse it looks like ass. tbh now that ve taken a little bit of time away from the princess au, there are a couple designs im not 100% satisfied with. but I know that if I go back and make them more detailed or whatever the’ll be more of a hassle to draw and aslkdfhalksdf I dont know anymore. I'm still tied up about color pallets and trying to give everyone a distinct color, and im a little upset it doesn't quite work, and FUCK dude the edgy one’s lore and character are weird and I kind of want to revise it to make it a little nicer but its not my character and I need to stop shoving my dirty little mitts into everyone’s ocs and AHAGHRGHGARGHHG idk man. her power is necromancy and she has a skeleton army, which I think I kinda cool, but I also think it would be neat if her powers extended beyond just that to communing with the dead, helping them find rest, and THEN maybe it can branch into helping fallen soldiers fight again to help them with unfinished buisness. and then if she goes feral and starts abusing her powers, she ignores all the communication and concent with the dead and instead magically rips them from thr ground to do her bidding and they’re uncontrollable and violent and aimless, just like her mind slipping from the magical blight infecting her. idk man we’re till working on a lot of lore. her concept could be SO COOL with just that little bit of extra thought, but so far it’s just MY POWER IS DEATH IM SO EDGY. ugh I know its fuckin rude to bash your friends oc ideas and I might be too overbearing and controlling of this au but dammit im tired and im mean sometimes and my ego is through the goddamn roof and im so sexy and im always right and my meat is huge. ah shit I rpomised my friend I would help her with character design for the dead king but I was busy when she firat asked me and now im not busy but im not doing it ugh. im just frustrated right now because I spent wayyyy to fuckin long just laying in bed watching tikotks and youtube and playing harvest moon an doing jack shit all day. but hey at least I attempted to get a new social security card again today. and them promptly gave up when they said my adress was invalid. again. I feel like im in an uncomfortable medium between having no plans and worrying about the future and having too many plans all the time oh my god. ive been so focused on getting a job and then having a job and making this dress I completely forgot about college shit. thankfully there's no hard deadlines coming up that I haven't already finished. whatever I dont really want to worry about all this hit right now, im just gonna take it one day at a time. (haha it feels like my angel oc just stepped in. how nice of him :) )

[girlyghosty]

1,3,4,9,14,15,18,19,20,21,22,23,26,27,29,33,39,40,41,45,48,49,54,62 xoxo

Me: *posts an ask prompt*Kelly: write me a fucking encyclopedia of your life1: Do you have a crush at the moment?Ye my boyfriend

3: Longest relationship you’ve ever been in?If you include non exclusive not technically dating then about a year and a few months. Exclusive dating 2 months lol

4: Have you ever changed for someone?Kinda? I’m the kind of person that adapts to the people I’m around tho I do it for friends too. It’s more of I adopt the personality traits or quirks of people I admire.

9: What’s the most important part of a relationship?Being emotionally intimate with each other/caring about and being compatible the other person

14: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex?Depends on the person honestly, I’d say 16 is the very youngest and even then I don’t think a lot of 16 year olds having sex are actually mature enough for it. I personally think sex is more important and a bigger deal than most people do tho.

15: Do you believe in the phrase “age is just a number”?To an extent but there’s obviously limitations (pedophilia is gross) and I think 10+ year age gaps are kinda weird unless you’re over 50 but idk

18: What do you consider a deal breaker?Not respecting things I value even if to them they’re trivial

19: How do you know it’s time to end a relationship?When you realize things aren’t going to work whether you try hard or not, or when you realize it’s harmful to you or your partner

20: Are you currently in a relationship?Yes

21: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends?Yes but it honestly depends on what happened. If it turns out they were a shitty person then nah.

22: Do you think people should date their friends?I feel like if you’re dating you are also friends, but as far as dating from your friend group sometimes it can fuck things up if things go south but of it happens it happens sometimes it’s worth the risk.

23: How many relationships have you had?On my 3rd official “dating” relationship but I had an additional 2 almost-relationships/“flings” or whatever you wanna call it, one lasting like 2 weeks and one lasting over a year.

26: Would you break up with someone your parents didn’t approve of?It would depend on their reasoning my parents can be judgmental of things I don’t personally think are worth ending a relationship for

27: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be?Sometimes just shut up and let yourself enjoy the moment without working too hard to make it special. I still need to know this sometimes.

29: What do you notice first about another person?Um either eyes or smile or hair idk

33: Do you want to get married one day?Yes

39: Have you ever given anyone/received roses?I’ve only ever gotten roses from my parents

40: Have you ever had a valentine?Yeah once it was lame tho this year sucks because we can’t be together for complicated reasons

41: What’s your imagination of a “perfect date”?Something where we can smile and enjoy each other and have fun, doesn’t matter what we’re doing. Although I really love nap dates.

45: Could you imagine to date one of your current friends?Maybe but not really idk

48: What’s your favorite love song?Honestly idk I like a lot of different music I’ll just pick one it’s typical af but whateverProbably James Dean & Audrey Hepburn by Sleeping With Sirens (the chill acoustic one)?

49: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?Idk maybe who knows. I actually broke up with someone on April fools day tho and they seemed super upset54: How important is it to make a relationship official (p.e. on Facebook)?I think making it exclusive and defined is very important to me, as far as like on Facebook I think it’s important unless there’s sound reasoning not to (anxiety, family pressures, ongoing legal issues, protection from crazy exes etc)

62: How do you define “cheating”?Idk honestly. If they had any sexual relations in any capacity while you were still together then it’s definitely cheating no matter what, where as like a kiss or having sex while you were temporarily broken up or something isn’t technically “cheating” but it can similarly be very difficult to get over so I can see why someone might consider it to be the same

You’re lucky I love you Kelly this is so much

[youcantclipmywings]

another crazy ass super late update w waaaay too much info

Hey y’alll... I’m kinda back? Sorry again for never being on this account. I want to be on it more but I get so consumed with my life and then I forget... not an excuse but an explanation. 

TW for all the usuals (drugs, etc) plus fun high school bs cropping up 2 1/2 years later :)

So last time I updated I was excited about going back to school and was feeling really lost and alone, as well as hopeless about my romantic life and my really intense cravings to smoke weed. A lot has changed since then... lol

My school decided to only do online schooling, understandably, but it sent me into a horrible spiral when they announced that. The idea that I’d be stuck at home for another 5 months... I just couldn’t take it. There’s a reason I went to boarding school after treatment. My parents fucking suck!!!! So I was venting to one of my best friends (C) who lives in another country even though she goes to school in the US (we met in treatment) and she invited me to come stay with her and her family in that country for a few months just so I could get away from my family... and now I’m there! I have dual citizenship with that country and the US because one of my parents is originally from there, so she applied for me to get dual citizenship when I was born, and I still have family here. Anyways, I’m now starting week 2 of my quarantine (which ends on Sunday (sep 20th) but I’m so happy to be here. I needed to get away and COVID just isn’t as bad here and I feel less depressed and like life maybe isn’t that hopeless, which is exciting!!!

I have smoked a bit more recently but I’m trying to lessen it or make sure I’m only doing it when I’m interacting with friends (either in person or via facetime). 

So, since I got to this country, there’s been a couple slightly interesting things occurring, relationship-wise. C is dating this guy and has been for the last 2 months and I guess he has a friend (J) who’s single and got really hyped when he found out C had a friend coming into town. C told him if he wanted to even attempt to be with me in anyway whatsoever he had to be my friend first and take things hella slow, but apparently he’s kinda a himbo so who knows if he’ll heed that warning. He added me on snap and told me he’s gonna take me out to a meal and later C told me he was bragging to her bf about how impressive it is that he said that (I think he’s kinda a fuckboy but C said her bf was initially too). Idk how I feel about any of this. I’m trying to not pass any judgment until I meet him a few times. 

A few nights ago, I got a snapchat message from this dude (JB) I knew from junior/senior year of high school (after treatment). Now, when we were in high school we were best friends. I had a small group (A, M, JB, and myself) and we all hung out all the time and were super close. A and JB dated junior year and then almost dated again senior year but she kinda ghosted him last minute and started dating someone else. JB also dated two other girls our senior year (this info is all relevant I promise). JB and I were kinda like brother/sister- we got along really well and had similar sense of humor but there wasn’t any attraction between the 2 of us. He liked skinny, kinda crazy (in the whole “omg I’m so fucked up pay attention to me” obnoxious way where they aren’t actually mentally ill, just annoying) girls and I was overweight and even though I’m legitimately mentally ill, I’m stable and high-functioning, and also... he’s short (well the same height as me but I’m tall) and skinny and just not my type... but anyways there was no attraction there. After high school, we all kinda stopped talking. M was a freshman while we were all seniors (I stayed in contact with him and still consider him to be like a little brother- I love him sm he’s my lil baby), but I haven’t talked to JB or A much since. We all went off to college and started new lives... JB and I talked a bit over that summer between senior year of high school and freshman year of college and he did call me a few times throughout freshman year (holy fuck that’s when I started this acc......) but whenever he’d call he’d only talk about himself. He’d talk about how he was drinking too much and smoking too much and he’d say kinda racist shit about his girlfriend at the time’s exes (since they were black... I guess that reflected poorly on her in his mind... fucked up mindset in my opinion) and he’d never ask me about myself. I was in overwhelming, immense pain constantly because of my ankle... I was high all the time and drinking regularly too, while hiding it from everyone, including my therapist. I was in a dark place and there he was calling me to talk about himself for really long periods of time. 

Anyways, I started avoiding his calls after awhile and then he stopped calling. He doesn’t know I had my ankle surgery. He doesn’t know I took a semester off of college to recover. He doesn’t know I met my genetic mom. He doesn’t know I’m struggling with some issues still. Then, in December 2019, the day after my mom had a heart attack, he started frantically messaging me on snapchat, begging me to talk. I told him that I couldn’t, that my mom was in the hospital and I was overwhelmed, that I had a ton of dr appointments and meetings and needed to make sure my mom was okay, but he wouldn’t lay off. I guess I felt some sort of loyalty towards him since we used to be so close, so I said “okay, you can call me anytime in the next 30 minutes, but that’s it” and he responded immediately, saying “I’ll call you in 5 minutes”. He never fucking called. After that, I decided I was done. He’s no longer my friend. And we hadn’t spoken since until a couple weeks ago where he messaged me and told me he missed me and I responded with a “yeah it’s been awhile” and then left him on read after he responded back with some other bs. 

Then this past weekend, he messages me out of nowhere talking about how he misses me and again, I say “yeah, it’s been awhile”. He says that there’s been something he’s wanted to tell me for a long time and he wishes he would’ve said something when we were in high school. I asked what the fuck he was talking about and he was like “I wish we could’ve dated. You were always so nice to me and we got along really well. I thought you were beautiful, caring, funny, and sweet. We had the sense sense of humor and enjoyed doing the same stuff. I liked you a lot and wish we could have dated.”... I was like.. “Uhhh... what made you realize this?” and he said “Idk I just realized it now” and I was like “yeah I’m just a little shocked because it never seemed like there was any type of relationship vibes there” and he was like “really?” and I was like “dude... you literally dated 2 girls and almost dated a 3rd...” and he was like “I feel like I knew I liked you then” so at that point I facetimed my friend M and was like “did JB like me in high school” and he was like “nah he liked A and those 2 other girls” and I was like “yeah, he’s saying some bs and I just need confirmation that I didn’t miss any signs” and he was like “yeah you guys were just really good friends” so I messaged JB back and was like “so what motivated you to tell me this” and he said “I don’t know I just felt like I should tell you” and I was like “well where do we go through here”... now, I said this knowing he’d say he wanted to date. I didn’t want to date him but I did want to let him down easily. M had told me while we were facetiming that JB had dropped out of college and gone to rehab so he was obviously struggling. I think he’s just super lonely during quarantine and he’s reflecting on high school (when he last felt happy) and is creating something that wasn’t there in hopes that it’d be reciprocated and he’d feel less lonely. He and A both had relationship/intimacy issues and were both really hyperfocused on always being in a relationship, so I’m not surprised he’s still like that. I am surprised it’s gotten to a point where it’s delusional... 

Anyways, he responded saying “where do you wanna go?” and I said “I asked you first” and he said “I want you wbu” and I said “I don’t know dude... I’m a super different person than I was 2 1/2 years ago and I’m sure you are too and I’m just not sure if we’d be compatible now that all this time has passed... also I live in a diff country now so we’d never actually see each other.” I know saying I live in a diff country now is kinda lying because it makes it seem like I moved permanently but I think it was necessary to get my message across so I don’t feel bad. He responded and he was like “yeah I guess that’s true” and I said “yeahhhhh” and he was like “I really want to be with you” and I said “I guess timing is everything” and he said “yeah I guess :(” and then I left him on read and that was the end of that conversation. I feel like a really good person for letting him down as nicely as I did because I felt like saying “nah I’m not fucking into you” especially since he’s been such an awful and selfish friend since we left high school, but I decided to be the bigger person because I know he’s struggling right now. And I feel sad that he’s reached a point in his life where he’s creating something that never existed because he’s so lost and alone and confused. I wish I could be there for him but I just can’t... 

My therapist says I can be too loyal to people sometimes. Even when people hurt me, I’m still there and I feel like I owe it to them to stick around and support them. I pretend like I’ll drop anyone that hurts me, but it’s obvious I’m loyal since I’m still willing to treat this dude with more kindness in this one interaction than he’s given me in 2 1/2 years. I want to be a kind person but I don’t want to be loyal to a fault... I think it’s harmful and self destructive. I need to work on it. 

Anyways, last night when I got out of the shower I had a towel wrapped around me and felt something weird and looked down and a giant spider was crawling around on my tiddy... I screamed so loud I’m surprised the family I’m staying with didn’t come running into the guesthouse from the main house to make sure I’m okay lol. I killed it with my textbook, which is now sitting in the corner of the room because I’m not in the right mental space to clean spider guts off a textbook after that whole ordeal. 

C’est la vie...

[moidse]

Okay so, I feel bad like I’m withholding information... I have a lot of insecurities about non-monogamy/poly and I’ve never explained this to you.  I just keep noticing a reoccurring anxiety is what if I just can’t do non-monogamy and the negative thoughts and anxieties never fade away? How long am I willing to feel uncomfortable about this? What is my own limit for trying to see if this will work? 

[[I have a history of not stating my own boundaries, wants, and needs, in a relationship out of fear of the other person realizing we aren’t compatible and leaving me. I would rather endure a relationship I only kinda am into then be single. I hate the idea of being single. Which is also why i never break up with the other person. 

I feel like I date people to prove something to myself... although with the person im with now I think it’s the least like that, I genuinely believe they are a mostly healthy influence, aside from the heavy drinking, in my life. (wait, i kind of am with them to prove i’m not just a fukboi, and also in the beginning i was really trying because i don’t o*** for them and i felt bitter at the idea of this not working out and i dropped my fuk buddy 4 this... but i have ended up catching feelings for them..) Like, it’s been so long I can admit I only was with o**** because I was insecure that with the fact that I hadn’t been in a relationship since I was 18. I felt very ashamed that I had only 1 relationship and it was toxic and that was the only person I had had sex with and been in a romantic relationship with. I felt like that in itself was evidence that I am not worthy of love and am hard to love and will be alone forever. That’s definitely a big part as to why I rushed into dating O***. I desperately wanted to be able to say I’ve had a recent relationship. I felt so ashamed to say yeah my last relationship was 5 years ago. I felt like that was evidence that I am not easy to date, i have always carried that knowledge as though it were proof that I’m broken and you probably shouldn’t even try dating me... when it doesn’t necessarily mean that. I live in a smaller city for 1. And I do believe I needed to work on myself to a degree but I’m not broken and unlovable and at a point of no return. Also that person really messed up my self-esteem so I wasn’t ready to date again for a while and that is okay and normal after your first break up. I just have always felt like I should be experiencing more in my love life at the age that I am--- and tbh says who? the colonizer heteronormative agenda? Cuz we all know queer ppl come out at different times and our timelines aren’t the same for what is considered normal... ]]

tbh I have had a history of jealousy and just issues with non-monogamy/poly since I started dating. So, my first relationship that was really bad and emotionally abusive,,, they later admitted to me that they were trying to be extra mean to me near the end to get me to break up with them and part of that extra mean routine was them asking if we could be poly and have the relationship be open... they later admitted to me and said they honestly only suggested that because they thought it would push me to end it... but i didn’t.... there was nothing they could do or say to get me to break up with them... i was already enduring emotional abuse.. I just was naive and set on the idea that we were gonna be together forever no matter what.... anyways, that first relationship started my first issues with being poly.. i was desperately convinced for so many years that I would end up back with this abusive person... we used to talk about trying it again... we were lowkey on and off for years... whenever they’d come back to dayton I would sleep with them and desperately wish and hope they’d take me back/even wanted me back... while they were poly and the main issue and excuse as to why we couldn’t be together was that I had issues with them being poly and so if i could just change and be more open minded then we could be together forever which is what my naive brain wanted more than anything.... during those years we were off and on i would creep on their social media and see all the different ppl they dated over the like 4-5 years i was still chasing them hoping we’d be back together... i would compare myself to the other people they were dating and just feel like they were my enemy... they were the reason why this person wasn’t in love with me and back with me... (which obviously now i can see none of this was true, but i was mentally and emotionally stuck on this person from ages like 18 until like now....I still very much so carry a lot of these mentalities) but I just had a very unhealthy POV of the other ppl they were with.. I directed my frustrations towards them when really that person just didn’t love me and i don’t believe they ever did love me... anyways... Ugh I also remember when I would hang with them whenever they’d talk about who ever their partner was at the time it would make me feel so insecure and ruin my fantasy that they were interested in me still or wanted me back... omg typing all of this out.. i can’t believe i did this for years... this is so sad.... I also remember further hating myself when comparing myself to the fact that they had dated countless ppl after me, they basically left me cuz they were into some trans dude, and seeing them on social media go through partner after partner i would constantly compare myself to them and think, how come they’ve had so many partners since we broke up and i’ve literally had none... this was something that ate away at me for years, this was evidence that i suck, im the problem, im not lovable... and it’s def why i was eager to jump into a relationship last year because it was the first time there had been mutual interest in dating since i was 18 and i was 23 and felt so ashamed that i hadn’t even come close to dating anyone since my first relationship....

Then that person I dated was poly too and I wasn’t very honest with them and acted like I was cool with it and then once they said they were going on a date with someone it was clear i was having anxiety panics about it and wasn’t okay with it... I did not do a good job at communicating why I wasn’t okay with it though. That whole relationship had poor communication... 

It’s like I understand on paper how non-monogamy makes sense. I understand that people can be in love with multiple people at the same time. But it’s like my emotions, anxieties, and insecurities don’t understand... 

I also just am worried like what if I’m just not good at non-monogamy? it’s not like I just naturally one day was like.. ya know what monogamy is stupid and I prefer non-monogamy! ... It was more like, I feel broken and hard to love and like I’m not good enough for anyone... and every single person i have a crush on is non-monogamous ... so .. i guess i’m non-monogam-ish ...cuz i don’t want to be alone... i guess it’s just like I feel so hard to love i wanna prove to myself I can be in a healthy relationship... which I believe I can and I deserve one... I just do not know if non-monogamy is what a healthy relationship for me looks like. I don’t want to be non-monogamist because I don’t want to be alone... that’s just sad.... 

[[I just have no interest in dating anyone else rn and I think it’s hard for me to understand that you do. I think that’s a big thing.  But like, if i was in your shoes and someone i was friends with, like if my one hot friend said they have a crush on me i would be like hell yea let’s see if this can work... it’s like i know if i were in your shoes I would do the same... ]]

it just sucks, my brain will not stop suggesting that you dating someone else means i’m not good enough. 

Anytime I even think about the fact you are dating someone else it gives me a lot of anxiety and i quickly try to think about something else and it’s just like... ugh that’s not a good feeling. I get so triggered and feel like i’m lesser than. 

I know these thoughts and feelings are just based off my past experiences... but I just have this fear of like what if I’m just not non-monogamous... l’ve never dated someone that was monogamous and I hate the idea that I’m just choosing this to please the other person because that is what i am doing right now at least... 

[[I feel like when I move to a bigger city being non-monogamous would make more since to me maybe... idk .. i haven’t had many relationships... i’ve never been dating someone and wanted to be with someone else... i feel like i can be very comfortable with just 1 person and i don’t need more... but i understand the idea of something falling into your lap and wanting to explore it... ]]

I think I could be non-monogamous, we just need to talk about so much more and I always feel anxious thinking about you dating someone else because I have not shared with you my past consistent issues with non-monogamy and i’m not sure how you’ll react...

From my last email you acknowledged you assumed I was fine with non-monogamy and you should’ve opened up a conversation-- and i agree i wish that would’ve happened-- and i guess this is me trying to open up this conversation because this stresses me out most days and I need this conversation to be open.. I just feel so insecure and my anxiety is awful and i feel like everyone knows im insecure about this and it’s fucking with me

[otpofotps]

also yesterday i went to my friends birthday celebration where i knew i would be like pretty uncomfortable and out of the conversation. the morning of i coincidentally had a meeting with my counsellor person and she was like personally i wouldn't go... and i was like lol. i have a motto in life where i at least try things out even if i know they're gonna suck and she was like, wow, that's pretty brave of you. but it was the way she said it like, i wouldn't go, it made me think about how maybe i don't have to go to these things, like its acceptable for me to just not go even if it means im crawling towards 引きこもり. anyway i went and honestly not worth, but i knew that going so i wonder why i went??? and i just was there and like, idk, these lame ass people with half their conversation being inside things im not privy to because i'm not in their crew. like ok im boring but actually they kinda are too. or i have a boring time there like on some level that must be the same thing. and maybe i should just chill like maybe its ok i really only hang out with like mainly one person right now. i have fun when i go to things with her unlike how uncomfortable it is trying to pretend like i can enjoy myself at this random crew of people. like why do i have to pretend to laugh at things that aren't funny or that i don't get. like maybe life isn't about trying to get along with lots of people. i told my counsellor person that i wanted to expand my safe spaces. maybe i should accept my safe spaces are small. like idk how being a better conversationist is gonna make me feel happier with that crew. if i don't find myself laughing when im there maybe its not just a me problem, its a them problem, as in the compatibility of me and them. idk anyway this is the year i choose solitude