#idk just gonna kinda vent from this point on

[ozymoron]

i hope things will start to feel okay in 2023

[u5an5]

"Like I said. Together." at the end of part 2 of 343 tape, the last episode Crime (Jacobs VA and, up to that point, main screenwriter among other things) takes any part in the whole Sedition universe, is tragic in ways you are unable to comperhend

[waywardsalt]

tag rant but man i fuckin hate the new direction for loz

[spacebugarts]

I would like to make it known that I have no idea what I'm doing at any time ever, hope this helps <3

[snekdood]

anyways if nick fartez and any of his skeevy fans are spying on me online I needja to know this: no one will ever love you or like you or fuck you and its all your fault bc your a nazi. the only way you'll ever get anything is if you rape someone and you and I both know that doesnt mean shit except how desperate you are to stick your dick in someone and how much you're willing to violate people who actively dislike you and would never be around you if it was their choice. it didn't hafta be this way but you decided being a ugly skeevy nazi was more important than anything, which is sad. honestly jump off a cliff, save yourself the time.

[changbinsboobs]

pls do chan tea session how he views his teammates? thanks very much!

Omg y'all THIS has been the reading we've all been waiting for😭🙌🏻🙌🏻😂 i swear i couldn't stop gasping and tacking a moment after each card to gather myself cuz WTF IS ALL THIS😂😳🫣 yk i did a tea/vent reading with changbin a few weeks ago and i thought its gonna be a banger but we couldn't get one "bad word" out of his mouth - he wasn't serving AT ALL😤 and i got a bit discouraged to continue the series but im so happy i did and did it with CHAN cuz my guys's spilling so much😂 tbh idk what i think of it all and if i agree, in fact i was quite shocked at a few cuz i really did bot expect such answers and i pulled several cards as confirmation and it all pointed painfully obvious to what the first card was already showing. So im just gonna start and ya'll are gonna see foe yourselfs😂

Oh also my tea series was initially not really meant to be focused on the group but more in general but at least with the last reading with changbin i found it difficult to take such a vast field of topics and distill it so if you have suggestions on what else they could have things to vent about or tea to spill send ask. Please be specific tho about something specific that interests you / preferably with a specific member:) ok moving on

Ok not really i forgot to mention that i asked about his opinion on the members WITHOUT FILTER and leaning more on the tea side. So, very important - this is not Chan's absolute opinion on the members, but a small, "scandalous" fraction if the opinion he has build on them over the years. It doesn't mean that this is all he thinks of them - remember humans are complex beings and can have conflicting thoughts and feelings:)

Tea Series: Chan's opinion on the members

Lee Know

I was SHOCKED but he kinda thinks of him as a bit of a dumbo. Not in the sense that he really is stupid but to Chan it looks like he's just a bit out of it and there's a vibe of a whole geoup laughing about a joke that lee know doesn't get, and not necessarily cuz he's stupid, its just he doesn't care to get it😂😭 this baffles him and im actually seeing a similar energy with him regarding lee know as i did with changbin in the previous reading where Chan just feels a bit weirded out by lee know at times and just sometimes gets annoyed cuz he just doesn't understand him. Yk how people are disgusted/scared by spider no reason? This is something similar, it just icks him how he cant understand lee know. He accepts it tho, more than changbin for sure. And im feeling that its actually even charming to him sometimes. Im hearing "a genius dumbo". So yeah, they're very different apparently, and to chan lee know just seems way waaayyy out of the circle, way above it all, way to out of it and he doesn't even want to get in and that BAFFLES him so much!

Changbin

This one's not hot at all, im seeing this pile along with felix's being the most melow ones. So I see that chan really sees changbin as his equal, possibly the only guy in the group he sees as one. Not in the way that others are below him but rather he's to the same level of matureness, toughness, headspace etc according to him (not that i agree😂). He views him as a bro and really enjoys spending time with him and "talking like men" or whatever its called😂 im actually seeing them going out for drinks or having late night talks with some strong alcohol (although im not really seeing chan drinking very hard i think the alcohol's more for changbin to loosen his tongue and for both of them to feel like adult men😂🙌🏻) Also another thing thats coming up which made me laugh is that chan thinks changbins bad at love and always has bad luck in it (and is kinda a simp) and he(cb) should learn a thing or two from him(chan). This gives me such huge sleepover vibes i live it so much - all of chans readings have that feeling to it and im always giggling when reading his energy😂💗 So yeah im also seeing them having lots of chats about women too🌝 and...sex👀👀👀 but for that i think it needs to be a bit deeper in the night and the bottle should be close to empty for that conversation to open. But it does, pretty often (not often like every other day but often only within their "meetings" so if they have a hangout every other months, and have had 6 this year, in 4 out of 6 this conversation happens - thats what i mean by often).

Hyunjin

Fo hyunjin he thinks he's very impulsive and very pushy but on the inside(?). He also thinks he's very appreciation hungry and attention greedy. Not attention whore-y tho (contrary to han), but rather ifjgkkf like someone who lives for the applause. Someone who's a performer. Not only on stage but also in private. I think he thinks that hyunjin's actually a bit insecure (not the kind of looks-insecurity, but the primal one like having security in your own being and the person who you are, having trust that you got ur own back) and that he's compensating that insecurity with others validation and admiration. And if he doesn't get that or feels like he doesn't he gets spiky/prickly. And thats where his impulsivity comes up and where this pushy energy happens. He may behave normal on the outside but on the inside he's going crazy and thinking of all the ways he can fix that and if you spend time with him long enough you begin to see that eagerness and spikiness - according to chan.

Han

According to chan he's pretty isolated and a tad bit odd. Probably thats why he gets along with lee know the best. He's also a bit infantile in chans eyes, like an annoying 12 year old fortnite little cousing that spits when he speaks and knows now personal space. Not saying hans like that - just creating a vibe to describe how he feels to chan sometimes😂 idk if nuisance is the right word but im getting the feeling that when 3racha's doing their thing, hans kind of the odd one out and he can see that han wants to belong and tries to but chan feels like he's that little cousin that wants to hang out with the cool old bros and, yeah sometimes feels liek a bit of a nuisance i would say. Cuz chan does include him, when he maybe would not. I could see that being a theme during their time in the 4/4 dorms. And here's the part i mentioned above - i think chan might view han sometimes like an attention-wh*re, making a clown of himself, and embarrassing himself quite offten to appeal to them or maybe others he fancies and wants to impress. Another thing is, that as i said he might be a bit odd and at times overexcert his boundaries? Or have weird boundaries? Like he hates when people touch his blanket or he only has to wear orange socks and if someone put the laundry and forgot one of his sock and now only one's clean he gets really pissed over nothing - stuff of that sort.

Felix

I would say thats the only pile where he had nothing "bad" to say about him and i pulled 4 cards for him cuz there had to be something - but there wasn't so i guess chan really really likes Felix and holds him in very high regards☺️ he thinks that he is muchs tronger than he looks and can defend himself and his loved ones very well. In fact i believe when chan saw this side of him he was really shocked because felix seems really sweet but when it comes to protecting what he loves he gets very fierce and that was very shocking to witness. Theres just admiration, admiration and more admiration in this reading he thinks felix has that royalty vibe to himself and really just has it all. Im getting a slight whiff of jealousy, but a friendly type of jealousy. Like he just thinks he's so amazing and sometime she wishes he were like that. He wishes he were as cool as him, as lighthearted as him, as bright and positive as him, he were as liked by him and i also feel like chan feels that stuff may often be just very effortless for felix and even if he's bad at something its still with grace. Theres this aura to felix that he can never do anything wrong and he just sometimes feels that felix has it too easy and must be really lucky or like gods favourite and thinks he must have really good karma for that.

Seungmin

He thinks seungmins too sharp and that his words hurt. Im also seeing lots of bickering...no actually fights. So either chan often gets the urge to just throw it all and start a fight with him or drop the manners and just tell him off - or they actually do that often. I do get the feeling that this is exaggerated in his head and that maybe to seungmin their fights aren't nearly as bad but once again i feel like chan might be holding back a lot and seungmin might'be much sharper and meaner for others than he thinks he is.

I.N

Finally the last one😮‍💨 he thinks he's a mamas boy and sees him still as a kid. That one's pretty obvious but to be honest i expected something else cuz im getting a much maturer energy from him, the other guys have said that too but still, here im getting that he's just a kid and doesnt know "of the real world", relies too much on mom and dad etc. Tbh i don't think thats the case😂 but rather that chans having a bit of a parent syndrom where he actaully feels like i.ns big bro or some sort of a parent figure or whatever and he literary watched him grow from a child to a man so i think that image of him from a few years back has stayed with chan and maybe its difficult for him to let go of that impression if i.n being still just a little kid being full of wonder, innocent and still dependant.

[notiddygothgf]

𝟎

★ pairings: suguru geto x satoru gojo, satosugu

★ synopsis: Suguru Geto struggles with letting people in after leaving a three-year-long abusive relationship. Enter Satoru Gojo, the boy who doesn't seem to take no for an answer.

★ c.w.: slow burn, mutual pining, explicit sexual content, dub con elements, implied/referenced rape/non-con, mahito is a real abusive asshole, past relationship(s), past abuse, recovery, hurt, comfort, vent fic, based on my shitty ex, my therapist told me it'd be a good idea idk, im a good writer I swear, brought to u by the bch who wrote best friend's brother!choso, sexual tension, new love, fluff, angst, smutt, graphic, psychological trauma, theres a happy ending in here I swear, angst with a happy ending, psychological trauma, PTSD, idiots in love, sexy smut I swear.

★ a/n: NGL I kinda hate how this turned out. but! it had to be done! I had to get it out of the way. the way I think this is gonna work is past flashbacks first, present time next. it's gonna prob alternative between the two for a while. comment your thoughts! let me hear u! feel free to slander mahito... he plays the shitty ex.

★ w.c.; 3.4k

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

𝐔 𝐍 𝐅 𝐎 𝐑 𝐓 𝐔 𝐍 𝐀 𝐓 𝐄    𝐀 𝐈 𝐋 𝐌 𝐄 𝐍 𝐓

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

PROLOGUE

2019. MONTH UNKNOWN.

I WAS ONLY 12 YEARS OLD the first time I tried to kill myself. In retrospect, I can’t possibly imagine what could have been so important to little me that he firmly believed he would rather die than live without it. I wish I could say that I had a difficult life. That simply was not the case. I grew up with two loving parents and a kind brother, in a small town where every friend I’d ever had was within a mile of me at any given point in time. We weren’t rich, but we most certainly weren’t poor. I had everything a child could ask for and so much more.

Again, I wish that I could say I had a difficult life, but that simply was not the case. 

It’s just that I’ve had these… thoughts for as long as I can remember. An unfortunate ailment, if you will. No matter what I did, there always seemed to be something missing. Something I felt I would spend my whole life searching for – or at least trying to supplement.

At 12 years old, I planned my first attempt.

It didn’t work.

So, now, faced with the unbearable burden of deciding what I was going to do for the rest of my life, I chose to pursue a childhood dream of mine. I wanted to go to school to become a doctor. I didn’t know what kind, per se, but I knew that I wanted to heal. 

Maybe I thought, I don’t know… that if I healed enough people, I may have been rid of the ailment – healed, myself.

So I left my small town, enrolling in an academy 30 minutes away from the house. I got into their Healthcare program. Again, what more could a kid want?

Yet the void inside of me only grew larger, more ravenous. I lost touch with all of my small town friends – one by one. I had no one.

But I was pursuing my passion, right? Why wasn’t it enough?

It was in that godforsaken academy that I met him.  

“Pick a card,” he asked me. His grey eyes were so sharp, even then. “Any card.”

I glanced down at the fanned-out deck in his pale hand, eyes crawling over the many different suits and shapes before eventually settling on an ace. I pulled the card out. 

Ace of spades. I tried to memorize it. I also, coincidentally, tried my best to ignore the incessant thrum of my racing heartbeat against my veins, my arteries, my chest. He was sitting so close to me.

It was just the two of us in the hallway. Just me and him and the infinite space between us, the small gap between my right shoulder and his left. 

I handed it back to him. “What are you doing?” I asked.

He slipped the card back into the deck without looking. He shuffled it once, twice, three times. Made a bridge with his hands and let the cards fall back into place. I watched with a remarkable sense of interest.

“Is this your card?” He tucked a stray blue hair behind his ear, producing a card.

I furrowed my brows, about to say something, when I noticed something off about the card. It was different. Where there once was a large blue spade, there now was a small, torn piece of lined paper taped to the surface. The gray lettering on the handwritten note read,

WILL U GO OUT W/ ME?

My eyes went as wide as saucers. My mouth lolled open, lips shaped around his cursed name, “Mahito, I…” 

I thought of my parents. I thought of my religious father. What would he say? What would he say if he found out his 14-year-old son was a homosexual?

I thought of my parents, and I bit my lip, “I don’t know if I can… I don’t know. What if my dad finds out?”

Mahito tucked the deck of cards neatly into the pocket of his black cargo pants. His hoodie was rolled up to his elbows, revealing intricate stick-and-poke linework over his forearms. He shrugged, humming, “Who says he has to?”

The tardy bell rang. We were late for first period.

My mouth opened by itself again. At fourteen, I wasn’t so sure I was ready to lie to my father about something so serious. Not yet.

Seemingly sensing my hesitance, Mahito laid a hand on my stiff shoulder. “Hey,” he muttered softly. “Think about it. Give me your answer after school, yeah? We’ll meet here at 3:30.”

And then he slipped away with a quiet, ‘See ya’.

Without confirmation.

In his absence, I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat.

2019 February.

Mahito ran away from home two weeks into our relationship. Ran away without so much as a notice or a warning. Ran away and left me there to assume the worst. He didn’t live in the best area. Perhaps he was staying with a friend? If not, was he dead in a ditch somewhere?

There was no way to tell.

He could have at least told me, I had thought. Then again, would I have tried to stop him? Undoubtedly.

They issued a missing persons alert the day after he didn’t show up. I remember seeing the poster all over my social media, all over the streetlights and posts. 

It didn’t seem real. Even as I held the missing poster in my trembling hand, I remember feeling numb. I remember feeling as if this were all some sort of cruel prank, that he would be back just in time for our after-school walk with a smile on his face.

 But there he was, smiling up at me from the page in my hand. 

MISSING PERSON: MAHITO 

Height: 5’8

Weight: 150

Eye color: gray

Hair color: blue

Remarkable features: tattoos on arms

Last seen: February 14th.

I crumpled the piece of paper up, tossing it across my messy bedroom with a sigh. I hadn’t slept last night, and I wouldn’t have slept tonight either.

I sunk into myself, curled into a ball on my twin-sized mattress – the same one I’d had for as long as I could remember – and cried. I was utterly inconsolable. I cried until my voice was hoarse, until there were no more tears left to cry.

Until my phone buzzed.

I assumed it was another homework notification. I didn’t check. What did it matter? In my eyes, my world had stopped spinning. It had stopped the moment he ran away.

But it buzzed again, and again.

It was then that I realized I was getting a call. Begrudgingly, I picked my phone up off of the bed. I turned it over. The screen was lit up with the words ‘NO CALLER ID’. 

I wanted to hang up. Desperately. Wanted to save myself a shred of peace and dignity and move on with my night – in hindsight, I probably should have just hung up when I had the chance. But, no, I felt something in my gut call out to me.

Against my better judgment, I answered, “Hello?”

The line crackled. “Suguru?”

Suguru. 

My heart leapt up into my throat. With wide eyes, I answered again, “Who’s this?”

“Suguru, it’s me, Mahito,” He sighed with relief, like he hadn’t expected me to pick up. Truth be told, I hadn’t expected it either. “I’m sorry I couldn’t call you sooner, my love. I’m calling you from a phone booth right now.”

My love. The nickname sounded like honey coming from his lips, but I knew it was laced with venom. Still, as would seem to be the trend, I was weak for it. 

My eyes began to water again, somehow. “Where are you?”

I knew better than to call him ‘baby’. Not when my father was sleeping in the room next to mine. 

“I can’t tell you that right now,” He answered. Of course, he couldn’t. There always seemed to be something he was hiding from me. I didn’t see it that way back then. “Look, I don’t have much time to talk, I–”

“I’ve been worried sick about you, Mahi,” I spoke again. I felt numb. So numb. “Please, just–”

“I stole ten grand from my mom,” He cut me off. “I’m running away from home. The abuse, it’s just– I can’t. I can’t, anymore.”

His mother was a real piece of shit. I knew that. She never wanted Mahito, not as a single mother. So she tried multiple times to be rid of him – beating him senseless with hangers and wires and even going so far as to attempt to poison him on his birthday. 

Still, ten grand was a lot of money.

Stolen.

“I’m on the run from the cops, I– I think they’re trying to find me,” He panted into the microphone. “You can’t tell anyone, okay? You gotta lie for me.”

I felt sick. Sick to my fucking stomach.

“I’m sorry, I…” I trailed off, holding back vomit. “Hold on.”

I ran to the bathroom and promptly emptied the contents of my stomach into the sink. I had just eaten mac and cheese an hour or so ago, and the vomit was tinted yellow. I could still see a few noodles here and there, only partially digested.

It made me want to hurl again.

“You okay?” he asked me.

“Am I– No, I’m not fucking okay, Mahito! First, you run away without–” I had to swallow bile a second time. I felt it burn as it slid back down my throat. “You could have fucking warned me , or something, and now you’re calling me at eleven at night to tell me you’re fleeing the fucking cops?”

He paused. “I know,” he said. “I know, I’m sorry. You know I love you.”

And immediately, like some sort of magic trick, I felt my exterior soften. I didn’t even care that we were only a few weeks into our relationship. He was my first. It was like he knew the effect he had on me. 

“Suguru,” he said again. “I love you.”

His words were like honey. I took a spoonful.

“I love you, too,” I sighed into the receiver. 

“You’ll keep quiet about this for me, right?”

I was weak for him, as always.

“Okay,” I said.

I found myself sitting at my desk in the middle of the day, struggling to concentrate on the lesson. The classmates at my table – more like a group of desks placed together – were talking about the missing boy.

My missing boy.

They were talking to me, actually, but I had long since tuned them out. It was all a blur for me – a blur of faces and voices and words I didn’t want to hear. 

“He’s a freak,” The boy across from me, Choso Kamo, remarked. “If I were you, I’d break things off before it’s too late.”

Choso’s critical words sent a sharp pang right through my rotten heart. 

“Exactly,” My friend, Shoko, chimed in. She was a pretty thing, about a few inches shorter than me with brown hair up to her chin. She always looked so tired . I wonder if she recognized that I felt the same. “He’s got some serious issues. Guys like that rarely make for healthy relationships.”

Choso leaned in, leaned over the desk to offer more of his thoughts, “You can’t just ignore the fact that more people are catchin’ on, either. What if your dad finds out? You know he thinks that… kind of stuff is wrong.”

Choso was Shoko’s friend. He wasn’t homophobic. A little misguided, but he had the spirit. Hell if he weren’t a raging heterosexual, I might have even gone for him instead. He had that look I liked – sleepy, downturned, dark eyes framed by messy bangs. He never wore colors. He was content to make a statement in black. Black eyeliner, black shirt, black doc martens, black hair done up into two messy pigtails. 

It was his signature look.

Our classmates didn’t take too kindly to ‘emos’ like him, though. He was an outcast. Hell, we all were. That’s why we sat together, after all.

The harsh opinions of my classmates threatened to erode my self assurance. I knew people were talking – people always talked. I knew the hushed whispers of my name as I walked past people and cliques in the mornings on my way to class weren’t a hallucination. 

I knew I had to stand by my boyfriend. I knew I had to stand by Mahito, but the weight of their disapproval put a strain on my shoulders. Does anyone want to hear that their friends don’t approve of their partner?

Admittedly, he wasn’t a very good partner. He had demonstrated that much in the first few weeks of our relationship. I knew he wasn’t good for me, but, fuck, I wanted to try. I wanted to make things work so badly that I ached for it. Everyone else knew he wasn’t good for me, too. 

But, fuck, was I naive to wish I could prove them all wrong?

In my eyes, he was only misunderstood. The ghosting, the red flags, the alarming behavior… I could see past it all because I loved him. My first love. No one understood him the way I did. How could I blame them for their concerns?

It didn’t matter how many voices I had in my ear telling me it was wrong. Soon, he would come home to me, and I would feel his skin against my cheek as I hugged him hello. That’s all that mattered.

How could that be wrong?

“It’s not wrong. How could it be?” I kept my gaze trained on my desk. My vision was blurry, unfocused. My mind felt numb and detached. I muttered. “I love him. He loves me, too. He told me he did.”

He did.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Choso and Shoko exchange a dubious look. 

They didn’t understand him the way I did.

“He told me he loved me,” I repeated the words like a mantra, like a reminder to myself that I was fighting for something. 

That as long as I was loved by him, I would be okay. 

He called again that night. Earlier, this time, at nine o’clock. 

I was in the shower at that time, curled up on the floor, sobbing into my arms. The water streamed past my shoulders, my arms, my nose. I glanced over at the screen through blurry eyes. 

NO CALLER ID.

I closed my eyes. I took a deep breath.

Then, I let the call ring.

Current Day. 

[12:13 PM]

[Automated]: you have 3 new messages. Play back?

[USER] Selected:

[NO] ...

... [View Inbox]

...

[ Last 6 Years ].

[REPLAY>>] Message from 'Blocked Number'.

Transcription:

" Suguru, this is me, Mahito. I don’t know if you can hear me or not– I don’t know if anyone can hear you or not, so please use headphones, or something, I don’t know. I just wanted to call and make sure you’re okay. I’m gonna try and call you later. Right now you seem to not be answering your phone for some reason. Doesn’t matter, though. I’m not in a really good place, right now, I’m… surrounded by a lot of people. So, um.. I just wanted to say that I love you, and I’ll call you a little bit later, okay? Bye– kisses…….”  

[End of Transcription] 

[Automated]: Would you like to play the next message?

[ Yes. ]

“ Suguru, is this– this is me, Mahito. Um.. I just wanted to say that I’m okay. Nothing has happened to me yet. I’m perfectly safe. I’m in a laundromat somewhere. And, uh, I said I love you… I don’t know why you’re not answering my calls… You know that I always try to text you whenever I can– and try to… call you, but… I don’t know, maybe you’re too depressed, or some shit. Maybe you’re mad at me. I understand. I�� what I did was wrong, I… What I did was idiotic, and what I did was stupid, and shitty… And I understand if you’re mad at me and you don’t wanna answer my calls. So, yeah, I gues… I’ll try to call you again tomorrow. 

If you’re hearing this voicemail, but you probably won’t, um… I just want you to know that I love you. And I’m trying to do my best just… to see you again. You like pizza, don’t you? How about we do a pizza date sometime, yeah? Somewhere around next week, maybe. Huh? How about that? Sounds cool, right? Yeah, yeah it does. Um, anyway, I… gotta… I gotta go. I have to… do some things. Uh… uh… at least I love you. 

And, I– I might not have brought much with me, but I have the little stuffie that you gave me. It’s in my book bag. Not gonna take it out because people are gonna know what my things look like. I’m always gonna keep these memories close to my heart. I don’t care what anybody says. Even if I go to prison, I’m taking this shit with me. Alright? Um, I guess that’s it. And… last thing? I love you. 

Please, answer me. If you’re calling, that means you actually care, but if you don’t, then… it’s fine. Don’t recall this number. I’m not gonna respond. This is just some random guy’s phone. Okay? Um… I love you, and please stay safe. Please don’t worry, I’m still alive. I miss you. Okay, bye, I love you.”

 [End of Voicemails Received on February 18th, 2019].

[Automated]: Would you like to replay the messages?

[ No. ]

[ Delete ] > [ All messages from {Blocked Number}] 

[Automated]: Are you sure?

[Yes]

[Automated]: Deleting all messages from {Blocked Number}.

THE WIND BLEW IN HEAVY from below, sending a plethora of leaves flying out in all directions. As I knelt down to test the current with my fingers, my boots sank deeper into the muddy riverside.

I sat on the bench in front of the riverbed. Wiping my fingers dry on the fabric of my denim jeans, I took a moment to take in my surroundings. The park was mostly empty, save for a few teenagers

The water always looked pretty this time of year. For a few moments, you stood there drinking in the sight of it.

In the present, I sat alone in front of the serene lake, surrounded by the picturesque beauty of nature. Lush green trees lined the shore, their leaves rustling in the gentle breeze. The scent of damp earth and the distant call of birds created a peaceful atmosphere, contrasting with the turmoil in my mind.

I watched as groups of carefree teenagers ran around, their laughter and joy a stark contrast to the heavy weight I carried in my heart. A deep sigh escaped my lips as I averted my gaze towards the shimmering water.

I wished for the water to possess the power to cleanse me, to wash away the burdens that weighed on my soul. 

The sound of the water rushing past was almost deafening, drowning out the laughter of the teenagers. It consumed my thoughts, leaving me with an overwhelming feeling of dread and isolation. I yearned for the water to offer solace, as if it held the key to absolution and a fresh start, but it remained an unsettling reminder of my own inner turmoil.

I had a vision every time I came here for some peace of mind. It was the same vision every single time. It plagued me every time I found myself in front of the water. It was an image of me, standing at the water's edge, and then, with a deep sense of despair, throwing myself into it, sinking into the abyss and drowning.

As I sat there, the scenery around me seemed to blur, and the vision of my drowning self played on a loop in my mind, a relentless nightmare that I couldn't escape. The lake, which should have been a source of tranquility, had become a symbol of my pain and a relentless reminder of my inner struggles.

It seemed to call to me. I could almost hear the wind carry my name.

Suguru.

The water always looked pretty this time of year. I sat there watching it for a moment too long, wondering what it would feel like to be enveloped by the cold current, to feel it wash me away. 

And, again, the sound of the current grew louder. Deafening. Consuming me.

a/n: l comment and lmk what u think pookiesss

comments + reblogs are greatly appreciated!!

I obviously do not own jjk or anything related to it. please do not reproduce, copy, or translate my works anywhere. dont fk w me im a bruja.

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wanna join the taglist?| mlol; chapter index

[chaifootsteps]

Hello! It's Secret Identity Alastor AU Anon again! <3

Probably an unpopular take but: if they were gonna give That scene to Alastor and Mimzy in 'Dad Beat Dad' where Alastor tells Mimzy to buzz off, then Alastor should've gotten the 'fair weather/toxic friend' plotline rather than Angel Dust (it would've spared Cherri the character assassination at least). Or at the very least a friend betrayal plotline, not even a 'I tried to kill you/other people you started to care about" way, just a, "I actively fed information about you to other interested hostile parties and didn't even give you a heads up when their goons came knocking."

Maybe build it up with Alastor actually being, pretty reliable with doing Hotel things. Have multiple sinners check in for various reasons than just Sir Pentious, like Baxter, Crymini and then Mimzy. Have Mimzy be the spy for the Vees but Alastor totally unwilling to consider it. Have there be an actual mystery of who the spy is, and have Alastor and Vaggie be the main investigators because Charlie is busy trying to get an audience with the branch of Heaven monitoring Hell & running the Purges. Have Husk and Alastor (I prefer AU where they're actually kinda buds but I'd imagine they hold each other at a distance, or are tsundere about it) have an argument about Mimzy possibly being the spy, and have Alastor lose his fucking temper because that's his Bestie that Husk is trash talking (Husk wasn't exactly, but that's the point) and double down because man is literally terrified of looking weak and attackable. Have Mimzy had started to get cold feet about dropping an attack where one of her friends (Alastor) is working closely with, but the siege happening before she can give her friend a heads up. Then the friend betrayal is staring Alastor in the face. Have the attack on the hotel happen because Charlie is out at the meeting with Heaven finally; and thus leaving the Hotel "vulnerable". Have the culmination of the trust exercises for the main cast be the battle to defend themselves and the Hotel.

Then instead of like, talking about what they're actually feeling or whatever, Mimzy doubles down too, tries to play it off like, "there was never anything to worry about, besides, you've always been good at landing on your hooves, Al."

And then Alastor tells her to leave, maybe the whole "[redemption's] not your style" thing could be a callback to her words upon her check in to the Hotel? (Mimzy and Alastor could make up and be friends again in the future after some character development for both, some plot and actual communication between them.)

Then Alastor disappears long enough for the rest of the cast to grow concerned (there would've been, some bonding there?) enough to go looking for him. He's out killing and eating his feelings, he also might be injured from the Hotel Siege but refused to let the other Hotel cast see him look weak.

Also, I feel that one of Alastor's main sins/flaws should be Wrath. People keep assigning him Pride or Gluttony, and while I get it, it doesn't feel all that special or personal. But a vigilante killer in Hell who despite being in Hell still follows a code that punishes those that prey on or victimize the weak (in his eyes)? That's Wrath babey! What if Alastor had his father's temper (if we go with the common fanon that he had an abusive father, who probably hurt his mother while he was helpless to solve the problem in a meaningful way)? And oh, Alastor would be decent at keeping a lid on his temper in everyday life, whether through manners, hobbies, keeping distant, venting on hunting down jerks in Hell, etc, but his main method of self-control is complete denial & refusal to examine his own negative feelings, just keep dancing smiling 'til the curtain call, everything Is Fine, he is perfectly fine. So basically, Alastor's smile is a pressure cooker containing his temper (or something idk metaphor lol), and even he doesn't know when it's going to go off.

Yeah I know my AU version of Alastor is drifting significantly from both "canon" Alastor and long established common fan interpretations of him, but I like the stark dichotomy between the image that Alastor wishes to project as both his identities (the Radio Demon and Alastor) compared to whatever's actually going on in his head and his character arc. I hope this all makes sense or seems coherent to other people who aren't me.

Idk that's all I have right now. Like idk if I'd keep it, but the conflict of interest among friends, even besties, in the survival situation that is Hell could be interesting. It's a fun thought, anyways if you have thoughts, about or to add or whatever, have at it if you want (or not, that's valid too). <3

Got nothing to add to this, but I did enjoy reading it!

[girlfromthecrypt]

Okay so i already lost my mind alil during Sawyers route. But i truly did love the update!

I will not even mention that i already told you i didn't trust your damn hide and seek game....

It was great!

I loved every RO interaction tho Flo is just the sweetest most lovable dude in the history of IFs. I love him so much. He leaves my poor MC speechless alot. And him coming to save the day was kinda hot ngl.

I loved all the effort you put in with the kids interaction it truly is a reflection that this isn't just a romance game or a creepy let's freak out liz game. 🙄

But it's also about the kids and they are just the sweetest. I love how you wrote the whole bullying scenario. God i deal with alot of those and you wrote it so well! And the kids all shine and i love how they have such different personalities and that it actually differentiates and shows when you read about them.

Sawyer was....sawyer.... idk. I can't say anymore about them other than they are gunning for Flo's top RO spot

I also love all the effort you put into the special moments with each RO and the kids and especially just the tattoos. Those were so dope and alot of effort. Shut up. Don't say it was nothing 😒

The game really is becoming a great balance of fun, romance and creepiness... i always try to ignore the creepiness until I'm telling some creepy voice to fuck off and that they can't join but that's just a regular update with u at this point. 🙄❤️

Lol so is "let's freak out liz" a whole genre, or...? xD

Yeah I recently had to work with a bunch of elementary school kids in kind of a similar setting to the one I'm writing about (I may or may not have known I would be doing this for a long time and it may or may not have inspired me to write Such Happy Campers in the first place) and it was EXHAUSTING but damn, did it give me some fun ideas for SHC. Kids are so... weird and silly and they're ALWAYS fighting. So yeah this experience has convinced me even more to make the campers stand out.

Also, a lot of the stuff I write into SHC relates to stuff I've seen and common experiences from my friends and family and me growing up. And venting about school system.

And no, I won't even say the tattoos were nothing. That shit was so. Damn. Extensive. Especially for something that's probably not gonna come up again. I'm convinced that it was worth it but ayyy it was a lot.

Btw I'm really really glad you're still enjoying this game and that you still love Flo (and also Sawyer hehe) and thanks for always writing these long asks I love them!!

[chibishortdeath]

Woahg, that’s a lot—

Explanations under a cut :3

This is Simon like immediately after defeating Dracula. Just sitting on his knees, hands on his face. He needs a minute, but he’s not gonna get a long one cause the castle is collapsing—

Wow! What a nice happy family :3. I sure hope nothing happens to them! :3 I’ve always liked to arrange the series of events like first Selena and Simon met and got married, then the Dracula stuff went down, so uh yeah uh fan interpretation of their (currently) unnamed kids.

The text here says “where’s momma?”, said by his daughter (who by this point is 2-3 about). Shout out to the artist ability to make yourself really sad—

Just Simon and the kids chillin. He probably was a really good dad, just kinda struggling.

Little quick doodle of the designs of the kids. Agh I need to name both of them (TwT ). It’s hard, I feel like they gotta have nice but cool names, but I just haven’t found any I like yet. Anyway, the one on the left is the older daughter and the one on the right is the younger brother and as of Simon’s quest they are 10 and 7 respectively. The brother would’ve been born the year of CV1 if I have my math right, so when Simon was 22.

Sobbing! It be like that sometimes 💀. This might count as like one part vent art and one part just expression and emotion practice :O.

This one also kinda counts as vent art I guess lol idk. It says “I did everything right”. I was thinking of a specific audio while drawing this and tbh I might actually have to animate something hmmm. Or just still images cause animation is hardddddddd oof. The text isn’t like from the audio or anything either (>< ;).

This one is based on an old insert character here kind of meme :D. The text says “step 1: establish character with a little worry but a lot of determination. Step 2: inflict soul crushing trauma Step 3: inflict soul crushing trauma—“ and that repeats until step 5 lol. The original meme only had two images, but each of these are supposed to be based on specific events so yeah. First one is just pre CV1, then the moment he got hit, then shortly after leaving the castle, then in the graveyard 6 years later, then somewhere in the middle of his quest.

This one is fun!!!!!! It’s an idea for like a double sided keychain :D!!!!! One side has the like CV1/CV4 era Simon swinging on one of those loops and the other is Simon’s Quest!!! And it’s supposed to be the Hanged Man tarot card!!! So cool!!! Idk how making keychains works so if I actually did this I’d probs just make one in shrink plastic tbh. But ough it would be so cool to actually make and sell little fan keychains and stuff (TwT ).

This one I don’t remember if I’ve posted or not but it’s never getting finished 💀💀💀. Gotta love drawing The Character in increasingly dynamic poses and surreal ways.

Ok it’s super late I have to sleep 💀👍

[fahbev]

Hi! Saw you jumped on the tim hate train, welcome to the club! Aplarently you're Damian fan, which is good bc hes also one of the characters who's hit by tim's..woobification? Victimization(???) while simultaneously being the bestest, most competent batfam member. You Damian fans honestly have my respect for the pure amount of shit Damian gets because of tim.

hi lmao. Thanks xD. I usually try to keep all my negativity off of the internet, but last night I was going the anti Tim drake tag bc my frustration was flaring up. At first i was collecting posts by liking them instead of rb, then I was replying, and then at some point... “Fuck it. I want this on my blog.”

(This is gonna be a ramble btw, I don’t care abt making a good post rn.)

I used to be fine with Tim! I think the whole thing was a lot less prominent in the dpxdc fandom bc DANNY was the fan favorite/community elected woobie, but then I kinda moved out and... well. It still took awhile for this issue to seep in bc those Tim fans (you know the ones) are certainly a minority, but I just don’t think you can be a Damian fan for longer than a few months without getting frustrated.

Nowadays I refuse to read anything tagged with any variation of “Tim Drake angst” that features the batfam. Timkon fics are usually just fine though.

Actually— recently? Shit’s been bothering me so bad that I don’t wanna risk reading fics that have Tim in the first relationship tag at all. He’s gotta at most be in the second one. Ship fics are again an exception, but I don’t tend to seek out ship fics much anyway.

But, like I said, I usually keep it to myself. Every time i catch myself venting in the tags I either screenshot the tags and delete, or I delete and retype them. I put them into a private notes document. I also journal in there a lot instead of posting it.

That document is pretty long.

I do wanna say that there’s nothing wrong with what tim fans are doing. It is fun to woobify your fave. It’s fun to prop them up and tear others down and make everything about your blorbo and it is harmless. I do it too (usually in my daydreams). It’s a fantasy, and that’s what fanfiction is for. People who act like it’s “problematic” are wrong. That doesn’t mean it’s not annoying. Because it is. It’s annoying as all fuck.

Also wanna mention that I once read a damian fic that like... started off with some delicious whump, but then it turned into a whole Damian pity party and it guilt tripped all his friends and family. Damian IS my blorbo and I couldn’t read that. I didn’t even know who Maps was at the time but it seemed so bizarre to throw her under the bus. Anyway I feel like that’s what a quite large portion of Tim fic is like except a bit less extreme.

I used to tell myself that “ohhh it’s just a rivalry. I’m sure Tim fans get the same shit in reverse all the time” but I literally NEVER see it in the other direction and spend the most of my time in Damian circles. The only time I see tim hate from damian fans is frustration at those particular fans in response to it or in response to favoritism of authors.

I mean i saw a good chunk of it last night, but what else can I expect from the anti tim drake tag?

It’s actually funny how most of the stuff in anti tags is polarized hate shitting on the character with a lot of bad takes, but in tims anti tag it was almost exclusively frustration from Damian and Jason fans, and usually pretty mild takes. Also people calling Tim boring.

Ngl, Idk much about Jason. I’m familiar with his fanon, but the only comic i’ve read that featured him in a major way was Gotham War. I don’t know him well, and I don’t have too much interest in him. However, I hate “Jason falls over in guilt and kisses Tim’s fingers begging for forgiveness” type posts in solidarity. It’s yucky.

Anyway, I didn’t even mean to get on this anti tim train you speak of, It just sorta leaked out of my vent doc. Don’t expect me to keep posting about it.

but also... don’t not expect it. It might happen.

Even so, my dms are absolutely open for Timothy Drake related frustration! I’m pretty tired of being nice to him.

[monavwall]

vent -

*ignore my pfp idk what to put and it’s actually stressing me out i can’t stop changing it. i hate the vibe of my whole page rn*

i wanna get back to posting more vents bcuz this is kinda supposed to be a bpd account, bpd is a big part of who i am and i have a bunch of drafts i don’t post bcuz it’s like the same repetitive thing over and over but that’s literally what bpd is & i need an outlet to release that.

i can’t stop thinking about him. i spend every second of everyday thinking about him, then i dream about him then i have hallucinations that he’s speaking to me and it drives me so insane bcuz my mind wants him so bad that it’s mixing my reality with dreams and i cannot even remember what’s real and what’s not.

i want him so bad that i’m to the point of dropping to rock bottom to b w him. i’m willing to let myself get hurt. i’m willing to let him treat me however, i’m willing to be told to my face how embarrassing it is that i can’t move on from him. how embarrassing it is to text him from a fake number bcuz i’m blocked. i’m ready to let myself cross the line and sleep w him just so i can have that time w him where he pretends he loves me. i want to be hurt by him bcuz it’s better than not being w him at all. i’m gonna allow any boundary to be crossed, any pain to be ignored. i’m gonna let myself go back to that place bcuz i need him. i need him in my life. it feels empty with out him.

[tomyo]

Hi I'm gonna use this figure arriving to have a vent about Soul Eater.

So I'm gonna be so real, my expectations for the franchise are rock bottom. Personally I am pretty critical of Ohkubo and my opinions of him are a dude who really cooked but in an almost Ratatouille esque manner. Idk how this man was revolutionary and created one of the first notable female lead Shonen or a canon non binary character that isn't a stereotype but he did. But like, since the end of the manga, the series has fumbled so hard.

I share a lot of shit on tiktok and people are particularly get hype about the fukuro I own, to which for some reason Shonen GanGan just went ham for a few years with custom computer mice and mp3 players. But often there's a comment like "I wish they made more stuff like this now!" And fully they're right but I'm so defeated with official shit. Said figure above is really the only good shit they've released since the early 2010s and otherwise it's been a constant game of trying to not spend dumb money on secondhand merch. And I've felt the need to take the helm in some more bigger SE fan creations (plush which will go a questioning distance). But really if I think of the most hype shit SE has received, it's all from fan merch; the headphone attachments and the black room oni backpack for instance. Around 2018 was the first major anniversary to come up and since then there's constant "Soul Eater Remake 🥺" and no shame but I just know to give up by now.

So what I mean is, rn we've had the shitty anime anniversary merch release and now the manga anniversary exhibit.....which I'm gonna be real is kinda shit. I know the vague elements used for these types of shows but I sat there like "Is this gonna be 3D recreations or cardboard cutouts?" Turns out both but more of the latter. I'm really kinda disappointed that from what I've seen it's just Shinigami-sama's mirror for recreation and then the rest is blown up manga panels and really subpar cutouts. Tbr I was hoping for the apartment or the school podium maybe. I know the later manga elements would not be on the table sadly. But man, not even weapon recreations or something?

And the other part I gotta be real about, what the fuck happened to Ohkubo's art? I mean last I saw, Fire Force was still quality. But there was the perfect editions and now the main visual for the exhibition and it's baaad. The line art and posing feel amateurish and lazy. It feels like he almost hates the series the way he draws it. I really supported Ohkubo's weirder pieces and even found him a huge influence at one point but the perfect editions are what got me into buying the originals.

Idk I literally have planned to go to Japan for the exhibition but I know it's gonna be so disappointing. This series post mortum is fully just disappointment. The most surprising thing of the exhibition merch was there being any form of plush although they look a little cheap. Either way I know I still want them, I'm just tired of knowing my fandom is obtusely dead. It's become a game of looking at good smile's releases and seeing what niche thing gets a nendo over soul eater. Do that and I promise the results are WILD.

[frozenhi-chews]

Can you ramble about your sona Pan/Solace? (:-)

I love their design a lot hehe /gen <3

Hoooo goshhh. Solace...

Solace, or Pan as they are also and originally called, is a true sona. One of them at least (fun fact, I have about 7 sonas. I just use one as a self insert. Nine counting the true sonas)

Pan was originally part of a two-character set, which was gonna be called Sickle and Sythe

They were gonna be called Sickle, but Pan stuck more because it was a shortened version of Pancake. These two were made during a REALLY rough patch in my life, made after certain thoughts in my head and all that. That eventually just faded out and they got a new purpose, kinda.

I made a humanized version of them that was scrapped. The name Solace came from the phrase "you find solace in me", which is something I discovered when drawing the middle doodle. And the last one's about "love yourself. And if you can't, I will love you for you." Yeah theyre also a vent sona.

The blade on their tail is mostly for self defense. Or to use as an actual weapon. They also have a spiked collar with a pendant dangling off of it. Like a pet or something. Idk I put it on. It symbolizes something, not entirely sure what. Just felt compelled to put it on there. The tail also has a red lining to hide the fact there can be blood on it

I mean, Pancake and Pan are the same person. So what does it mean when Pancake let's Pan stab her through the head, or chest, or wherever else? It's mostly stuff they inflict on Pancake. And she let's them.

There was like a part where they were kinda in a romantic-ish thing. But I pushed that onto Skittles. Not the sona.

They were always accompanied by one other character. There was another one that got scrapped after Scythe, and currently the character they're with is aeiou.

aeiou (yes she's named after the Moonbase Alpha meme video) is supposed to represent self loathing and anger and sadness in general. But she's just not too important here.

Also Solace can only speak in second person, occasionally third person. They can't say "me" or "I" or "we." Mostly "you" and "she" and "him." Always to someone else, never to them.

So yeah. Thanks for the interest!! I would like art of them at some point, but they're so personal to me that I can't really handle that. Like seriously i have some STRICT rules with Pan. But yah. Thanks!!

[orlamccools]

vent post under the cut- if youve got advice id love to hear it

so. ive been talking to this guy for a long ass while, you can scroll thru the last tag on this post to see what its all about, but long story short is this: i asked him out two saturdays agoto my friends going away party (which was held this past friday). hes met this friend once before, and we planned to meet at her place and then maybe go out to the bars after

entire week he is super into it, texts me more often than normal, creates a spotify blend for the two of us (w that feature that lets you combine your tastes into a single playlist) like im getting VIBES. and he asks abt our plans!!!! we make a solid schedule!!!

night of the party he texts me at 8:45 checking in to see if its all happening and i say yeah. i get home from work, change, then get to my friends house and text him that im here. he doesnt respond for an hour and finally says something abt how he has to charge his phone before coming out. im like ok man whatever i just want to hang so do what you gotta do. another half hour passes and then he hits me with the "hey idk if im gonna make it out". im disappointed by this, so i respond with like a "damn that kinda sucks :/" message. at this point i expect him to stop messaging me, but then he texts me quite literally for the rest of the night. like he literally doesnt stop until i text him that im walking home.

saturday i see him in person for a short period when he does the close out but another driver fucking also comes to sweep the store and just. will not stop talking to the dude in question. he like tries to get away twice but between customers and this other guy we dont talk like at all. after the other driver leaves and the store is closed he comes back in to use the bathroom and like stands by the door for a moment so i like look over but all he does is smile and wave then leave.

SATURDAY NIGHT. he texts me at like 8 responding to a text i had sent the previous night asking if im going out again tonight. i said yeah (bc a separate friend had a party) and he was like bet lemme know where youre at i might stop by and see you. i send him the address of the restaurant and proceed to hang w my friends until midnight. hes again texting me all night abt getting ready to head out but when we finally leave he hits me with the "finally leaving now where should i meet you". at this point i am exhausted, as ive just finished my first week of classes, had drunk heavily over the past 48 hours, and had worked a 13 hr workday that day. i text him and say im like too tired im going home and hes like damn :////

yesterday night. i do an eras movie night w my friends and i send a picture of the opening sequence to the ppl i have snapchat streaks with. he snaps me the rest of the night and is like "ohhhh you should have invited me" and stuff like that and its like. i didnt invite you for a multitude of reasons but like you ditched plans once this weekend and kept pushing back the other time i tried to invite you out, so why do you think i would ask you a third time???????

and now im just confused bc like. he seemed sooooooooo into it all week and then as soon as it was time for things to happen he just didnt show and kept stringing me along. im also lowkey pissed bc i wanted to hang with him and i was SO anxious abt asking him out (like i literally threw up twice friday morning bc i was so anxious abt how the day was gonna go). im just frustrated and like i had thought he had gotten the vibe that i was into him romantically bc it sure as shit seemed like he was reciprocating, and now im not even sure what to do anymore.

[astroninaaa]

when it comes to cellbit suing twitter and everything, having an existing defamation case he already won would be good to refer to if hes gonna sue sasa specifically for defamation in terms of evidencing, right? ill be honest i dont know a whole lot about legal strategy but i imagine taking her to court for both abuse and defamation is the goal and having a case in which its already been proven that the harassment has damaged his career could be really important because after that his team just has to draw a clear connection between the harassment and sasa. idk though im not a lawyer much less a brazilian lawyer lol, do you mind weighing in? what do you think the strategy is here?

this is SUCH a good question so like. yes but also no it depends on how they argue it and on the judge imo

if he wins the lawsuit against the twitter people and proves that the harassment was awful and everything that is suuuch a strong argument to use in a lawsuit against his ex. like see they’ve recognized that this harassment affected my life a lot and really negatively and you started it

however. she could argue that she never asked people to harass him, or that she only said his name a couple of times within all the accusations, and that’s,,,, true. like, she implied VERY HEAVILY that it was him and i think (hope) that that’s enough, buttt it can also depend on how good HER lawyer is.

there IS a very clear connection between her actions and the harassment, but there’s the matter of intent. she can say she was just venting online, that she never asked people to harass him, that she tried to keep from talking about it but people kept bringing it up etc etc.

i think he still has a very strong case of she implied VERY hard that it was him and even straight up said it was him (the SA accusation quoted a tweet that said his name directly), and how more than once she talked about how awful it was that people still supported him and how they should take her side (i was a cellbit follower back in 2017/2018 it was THE TRENCHES i remember it all). at the end of the day, any judge that actually looks at the entire situation would be able to tell that, well, her side of the story is kinda iffy. no proof, just words, bringing it up whenever he’s getting more traction than usual, coming up with new, worse accusations every time but never taking him to court. saying she doesn’t want to be related to it or to him anymore and yet bringing it up at every opportunity after seven years.

so yes i think winning the lawsuit against twitter/the twitter accounts is a VERY good precedent for when he sues sasa. there are good arguments she can make for herself, but i think, at the end of the day, that if he really shows up with all the proof of what she’s done and the damage it caused, the chances of her winning are less than likely.

unless, of course, she has a bunch of proof we don’t know about. but she’s “exposed” him thousands of times without ever showing any of it, so, personally, i sorta doubt it.

i hope this answered your question anon 🫶 GREAT question btw loved it that’s a very smart thing to point out