#idk its all bittersweet yknow?

[drbtinglecannon]

It's still hitting me that TOH is ending tomorrow

TOH is an anomaly for me where I've been watching it and actually in the fandom since it first aired. Normally I get into shows either right before or after they already finished, or I drop off of it long before it finishes because I no longer enjoyed the story, and I play more games than I do watch new shows and with a video game art/fic/theories comes out as quickly as people beat it so there isn't the weekly anticipation with it. So it's different to have been here enjoying the show since it first aired and still enjoying it by the time it ends, and it's sad that it got cut the way it did but the crew did all they could with it.

Anyway I hope everyone enjoys the finale tomorrow and gets as much of their bingo cards filled as possible

[pineappical]

Likely not popular opinion, or atleast not of the vocal minority, but I like Ted’s ending in this show, I know it’s bittersweet and I know we want him to be with a found family, but if I learned anything from this show it’s that ted will make friends and connections anywhere he goes. There’s a good chance that being around his son as he continues his mental health journey will be extremely healing for him. I think a good parallel is Nate needing to be away from Richmond for a time in order to heal and grow. If anything it’s off that we don’t see him forming a new community with people in Kansas, I wish that was something that was outright stated. Idk, I think it was a good, but complicated note for his character to end on

yeah this too!! ted's an adventurous guy, he brings happiness with him wherever he goes, and im sure whatever's waiting for him in kansas is going to be good for him but im just scratching my head at how off they seemed to portray the message across (for me atleast?) 😵?? they had the whole ohh we dont want you to leave!! 🥺, the rom-communism of the airport scene, etc etc. and he could very easily visit them whenever he wants to, but like cmonn ted speak up whats on your mind, buddy!! are you happy to leave or not!! im rattling him around like a can full of coins

[syn4k]

i miss the copper king so bad man

[maskyartist]

wanna go batshit nuts. wanna make an apocalypse rwby au so badly its unreal. (more ramblings in the tags as usual)

[pumpkinsy0]

as always when you post a headcanon i can never stop thinking about it and need all the tiny details

for your most recent post about if papercut got married and pony used pieces from his moms dress on his suit, i need to know what pieces and how he incorporated them in

and also maybe some hcs about how pony gets through the planning process and the wedding itself with the constant reminders about the lose of his parents (since theres so many traditions and planning things that could have included them)

u r in SUCH luck bc i was actually thinking about this a lil more!!!

•so mrs curtis’ wedding dress was mainly made out of silk and it rlly wasnt that intricate bc they didnt have a lot of money, but it was pretty long so pony took 3 medium sized patches from it!!

•darrys the one who sewed it up, which is pretty ironic bc shes the one who taught him how to sue in the first place, the patches were on the jacket pony wore and it was on the pocket, shoulder, and just on the stomach area, so it was basically front and center

•the pieces did smell like her perfume still bc it was in this box never opened for years and on the wedding day the smell sorta went away, it was faint but pony did smell it pretty clear and that was nice

•on the wedding dress was also these long see through sleeves (i forgot the material that is LMAOOO) BUT they used oneeee small patch from that too and instead of that hanker chief thats usually in the suit, thats where it was

•pics of mr and mrs curtis were so important btw, to everyone it kinda felt wrong not including them SOMEHOW

•when the crash happened, they couldnt find mr curtis ring, but they did find mrs curtis’ and they always kept it, and JUST A THOUGHT HERE, what if that was the ring pony has☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽he would look at it a lot bc its a bittersweet thing to him

•mr and mrs curtis had a habit of talking about their wedding to the gang and ik the gang would bring up what they did at theirs so pony could get some ideas, none of em have been to a wedding before so theyre SOOOO relying on those stories

•one of the ideas they got from them was keeping the first sliced cake and just never eating it, its just always chillin in the freezer

•soda brought up the idea of recreating some pics from their parents wedding, pony was down and so was curly!! they took 2 pics of each photo, one for the scrapbook another for pony and curly to keep

•in weddings im sure theres the family daughter dance, idk ive never been to a wedding, BUT i think it would b sweet if darry, soda, and pony all just danced together, yes they have pics of their parents w them, theyre tucked in their top jacket pocket

•those pictures got front seat view of the wedding one of the gang was in charge of making sure they aint fall over

•there were “just married” balloons and yknow thag thing where when someone dies, ppl release balloons, thats kinda the same idea here??? its like sending a message off to em that pony got married

[tai-janai]

idk if it’s too soon to ask, but im curious…

how would u have ended Reunite if option two or three had won the ending poll? :0

im happy with the ending we got! it felt like a good, bittersweet note to end things on. i just wonder, yknow? 

didja have have any notes or outlines in ur drafts while the votes were coming in? anything u’d like to share.? 👀

RRRAAHHH YES !!

SO ive been drawing out the Creature versions of all of the Shards of the Long Quiet (mimicking but not mirroring the game's style; im not nearly that talented) and at the end i will show a version of what You would have become if you chose the shards!

for that one:

You become something between the apotheosis and the long quiet, larger than able to be perceived. you break into the world that hold the Shards. you reach out to them.

Fighting the inevitable, they leave jagged cuts in your hands and soul, but it is a small price of infinite yet nonexistent pain for becoming a God. The Shards become a part of You, including the Hero. The internal monologue is all You. With the Long Quiet, the only thing capable of breaking the construct, you do so, and all worlds continue on forever without death, but still with pain and danger and meaning, as opposed to the stagnancy in the route that was chosen. You are lonely, because everything is only You, but everything else gets to live on. No worlds end, but they all continue to have meaning and newness.

if you picked the "stay with him" ending, its essentially the same as the "leave with her" ending, but mixed with the "good" ending.

The Hero is reluctant, but willing to do what you believe is right. He believes it will make you happy, so it does. you two exist passively in the basement forever; keeping it from crumbling and not letting death end. All worlds continue on, the same as always, death included.

Eventually, you and the Hero become nothing more than happy things that simply exist.

[acaciapines]

hey! for the fic ask game: 3, 5 (for the wolf 359 daemon au), 8, 38 and 42?

3. What are some tropes or details that you think are very characteristic of your fics?

somebody being a least a little bit nonhuman <3 but more broadly i really like writing about human/animal dynamics, both in the nonhuman sense obviously, but also even in my daemon aus--what do humans say about animals? how much is true and how much is just something humans have put onto the animal, rather than what the animal is?

i also think i write a lot about grief, and the ways grief and trauma both can manifest in ways seen as 'unpalatable.' how youre supposed to survive these sorts of things, and how a lot of times the answer is that maybe things dont get better, but they do get different. ie i have a lot of bittersweet endings and i dont think that'll ever change.

5. What do you wish someone would ask you about [insert fic]? Answer it now!

oooh ive always hoped somebody would ask what the hell doug-nix and miranda-alphaeus would get up to after the epilogues, 'cause this never got in there (i dont think at least), but i've always had it in mind that they move out eventually! get a place of their own, which would leave minkowski, hera, jacobi, and sometimes lovelace whenever she stops by living together.

i just feel like. miranda and doug are outsiders to that crew, yeah? neither of them remember the people they once were, so. might as well try making something new and better together.

8. What song would make a great fic (to either write or read)?

this one is particularly topical 'cause a song is actually the inspiration for the current fic i'm writing! grand canyon by the wind and the wave. literally such a frisk and chara song, ALSO a really good roadtrip song, so ive meshed those together and now im working on a post-pacifist chara&frisk centric roadtrip fic! coming out....idk. may probably.

i also think twelve feet deep by the front bottoms could make a real fun onesided dessriel fic. something about 'i get left out of every plan they make / that is what i have to do / to be the only kid from highschool who is still in love with you' REALLY gets to me.

38. Did any of your fics get surprisingly popular (whatever that means to you)? Which ones? Why do you think they were so successful?

i think the one that surprised me the most was garden of earthly delights, which was my madoka magica daemon au. seeing as its been Forever since anything madoka has come out (plus daemon aus are Not popular anymore lol), i didnt know there was still an active fandom there, but there WAS, and all my commenters were amazing and lovely and it was so fun seeing everyone trying to uncover the mystery in real time!!! if i had to guess WHY it got popular, i think i'd guess it was the aspect of mystery...something to keep people coming back and commenting!

42. Have you ever received a comment that particularly stood out to you for whatever reason?

the comments that always stick with me the most are the people who come to tell me that it was my fics (usually either i know im not well or alterhuman) that either helped them feel SEEN as otherkin/therian, or helped them discover that this was a thing they even could be. i think thats been one of the most rewarding things about sharing those stories. theres not a whole lot out there in the ao3 otherkin tag, yknow? and it makes me so happy to know i've been able to help people.

[tyonfs]

IM HONESTLY LAUGHING SO HARD AT U GOING VIRAL ON TWITTER .. ITS BORDERLINE UNSAFE FOR US NOW 💀💀 like the other anon said … we need to be gate keeping this fr 🥹 bitch hunters is the loml

but yknow ur literary masterpieces do deserve this attention so FAIR ENOUGH 😅😅

anyways i’m so happy to hear ur holidays r going well and hope ur resting up! my holidays r ending soon it’s SO SAD but yknow i had a good time so i don’t regret anything.

also i am NOT kept up on here but r u working on fics rn out of curiosity ?

— 🫧

LMSOFJDJF ITS SO FUNNY 😭 also no seriously i don't think i've ever put into perspective how big the tumblr fanfic audience is because why am i surprised that so many ppl on twt frequent wattpad/tumblr/ao3!!! omg bitch hunters will always be special cause of the love you guys showed me back when i published it for the first time 🫶🫶

omg it always feels so bittersweet when the holidays come to an end :(( everything feels so slow and then speeds up all of a sudden towards the end 🤧 but im glad you had a good time with no regrets !! i think around this time of the year idk if it's the weather but i just want to be in bed and NAP cause it's so cold 🥲 are you going back to school next week then ?? i hope your first day goes well if so ♡

i've been more active (writing wise) last year on my svt blog !! i have a seungkwan fic im working on rn which is currently at around 20k ish but like a third of the way done 🤧 and then for this blog i have several jaemin wips and a yangyang wip in the drafts but waiting to see when inspo strikes so i can grind one out 🤭

[undyinglantern]

less than an hour left why am i getting so nervous excited 😭😭😭

"do i want to stay up til 2am for this" stupid thought considering im always awake past 2am anyways

[streamdotpng]

I’m better caught up today on the blog. Multiple stuff.

I saw a post regarding the Ortega verse. Real quick, thank you for defending me. I don’t dislike it, but I also don’t follow it as closely because Wenclair kinda takes a backseat. Also, aside from the fun of Enid dating variants basically, it’s all bittersweet because they’re all lowkey failed relationships. I just want Enid happy (and with Wednesday). Still, all very cute and fun.

Are you doing okay? I believe it’s your ear right? Hope you’re actually going to the doctor. Can speak from personal experience it sucks when stuff like that goes wrong. Hopefully it’s a quick, painless fix. We value your health.

With some of the spice I saw, I have a question regarding the bodyguard au. Does any of that happen before they actually have a talk about their feelings, or after? Cuz unless I missed something, these two are still dancing around each other. Wouldn’t want to miss any romance in that au.

Lastly, song recommendation “Everything in its Right Place” by Radiohead. Lyrics don’t really make sense, so it doesn’t fit in any au in my opinion, but I love the vibe of the music. It feels like a messy brain sorting through things. Maybe that could fit a version of Enid, idk which one. If not, then still a song I wanted to share 👍

(Also, always very honored to be a duck on your blog, just wanted to reiterate it. Love my scythe)

Is no prob mate, people have their likes and it just be like that yknow?

AS FOR THE SPICE IN THE BODYGUARD AU

I was thinking that they were already dating when that happened, simply bc if they weren't, Enid wouldn't be that obviously Needy

Bc professionalism and she's being really vulnerable when put in that position

[sukirichi]

Hihi random question but what do you think about the haikyuu characters in their time skips? Ughhh for me it makes me sad because I realized that they're no longer high schoolers who plays volleyball together😔

oooh their timeskip selves, i have sm thoughts!

i actually haven’t finished the manga so i can’t share my thoughts on everyone, but seeing everyone in their timeskip makes me feel so bittersweet tbh. it’s like, a part of me is so happy and proud of them to have achieved their goals + dreams, while others have realized other passions and realized for themselves the things they want to do. for me it makes them feel more like real people, instead of just volleyball players that we see on screen. it really goes to show that many unexpected things can happen, you can be an entirely different person years from now, and the friends you once spent every day with are now a thousand miles away. idk, it’s !! something about haikyuu itself, its story and its struggles, is so motivational.

it shows passion and grit, and i think that’s something great, yknow? it’s not everyday you have something you love sm that you end up chasing after it. that’s why i adore hinata sm - despite his differences from what is considered a ‘standard’ in the sport, you’ve really seen him grow and overcome each hurdles he’s faced with. his passion and dedication to the sport makes him a literal sunlight in my eyes, and his story is so inspiring, too. especially his timeskip self aaah.

he took risks, gambled, but he never gave up. he knew what he wanted, and he loved it so much he would do anything for it. his love for volleyball is such a gift in his life, i think <3 but i am a lil sad that he and kags are apart in the timeskip, but also i am so so proud of our setter for playing in the olympics at age nineteen 😭 i honestly could go on rambling about the complexity of oikawa (hard work) and kageyama (talent) bcos i think about it alll the time. like they work equally hard ofc, but you can see how their differences had a great impact in the trajectory of their lives. like oikawa not playing with his friends anymore and (iirc) he’d become an opponent to his country. that’s not an easy thing to do, and i often think about the things oikawa had to leave behind in order to move forward. i remember this quote that goes ‘i’m not where i wanted to be, but it’s where i needed to be’ in reference to the nostalgia of playing with his team, and now he’s apart from them. idk its my roman empire honestly. but overall i feel very nostalgic with all of their timeskip selves, and i’m so happy that some of them are still close + the other players becoming closer in the future like msby !! i think all of them have reached so far n i am so so proud to see them all grow into their careers <3

[davyjoneslockr]

42, 45, 60! for writing ask game

(For this ask game)

42. What’s the last fic you read? Do you recommend it?

I haven’t actually read a ton of fics lately, but aside from other people’s zine fics that I can’t talk about yet lol, I believe it was Even With These Past Lives, I’ll Always Be Here by Eevee999 (which was actually inspired by one of my fics!! Still wild to think about)! And yes, I’d highly recommend it!! It’s a short fic about Irene and AU!Jotaro coming to terms with having vague memories of their past lives, and the author writes their relationship so so well it’s awesome. If you’re a Stone Ocean fan, or if you just like really good, bittersweet family dynamics, definitely check it out :]

45. Do you want to break your readers‘ heart or make them laugh?

Okay so here’s the thing. I love breaking readers’ hearts. But when I’m writing, I think a lot about the concept of Darkness-Induced Audience Apathy (sorry to be a decade-long TV Tropes fanatic on main) – where readers will adjust to a work that is constant sadness and misery, learn to expect it, and won’t be as emotionally affected when something bad happens (or worse, grow bored with the work and stop reading/watching/etc). My philosophy is that you can’t get readers invested in a tragedy unless you show what they’re losing. You can’t expect your audience to be sad alongside a character if they’ve never seen them happy. Readers won’t mourn the death of a relationship if the characters involved have never shown that they’re in love. The destruction of a beloved hometown means nothing if you’ve never portrayed it when it was standing and full of life. So it’s a balance, I think. If I never make my readers laugh, or at least show them joy, I can’t expect to make them heartbroken. Whether I actually succeed at that is up to you guys, I guess, but that’s what I try to do.

Also, my aim isn’t always just to make readers sad for its own sake. I actually prefer conveying hope in spite of sadness – something more bittersweet, sorta. I like writing growth more than anything, and in order to grow, I think you need to have a healthy dose of both misery and joy. Or else, what is going to push someone towards change, and what reason is there to keep going? Idk. Something like that.

60. Have you had a writer you admire comment on your fic? What was that like?

I have several times actually!! And I’m lucky because a lot of them are my mutuals and friends now lol. But between AO3, working on zines, and comments I’ve seen out in the wild elsewhere, I’ve been really fortunate to get good feedback from a lot of people I respect – writers, artists, and other fandom-y types alike. And it’s always so cool!! Like. Seriously every kind thing someone has said about one of my fics rattles around in my brain and I legitimately get emotional when I think about it. Not to be sappy about my mutuals on main, but all the friends I’ve made in this fandom are so insanely talented, and I still feel like I’m some rando sitting at the popular kids’ table every time I share ideas with them, or get into some zine, or get a comment notification on AO3. Yknow that one post that’s like “warming up a frozen meal and Gordon Ramsey walks in and starts clapping and cheering.” Yeah that’s what it feels like lmao

[penumbrialhexandroga]

I was looking through my old deviant art from when I was a kid, this is from when I was 13. i didn't come out as trans until a couple years after this. i dont know how to think about this! It really shocked me to find, I was so young and have no memory of making this ofc. I just wanted to share this. I t looks so much like me, obviously they are afab and binding but I used he/him idk go trans baby kane I guess. I dont know if I even really knew I was trans at this age. it just feels like i manifested myself. this was 2013 so yknow there really wasnt as much trans visibility back then like there is now. And the fact that this is just a "random kid" it wasn't meant to be a self portrait. I dont know, its so wild looking back at all my art work, it is incredibly bittersweet. Having the perspective I hold now as an adult, I dont know how my pain wasn't obvious to my caregivers. Maybe it's because I remember the sorrow I felt attached to it all. I had my intake session with my new therapist today. they definitely sound like a much better fit for me than my last therapist, already in just the intake we have like, covered (as much as you can in an intake session) things that my old therapist hadn't in the whole two years I'd seen him even after specifically asking to. But it's just rough hearing them like summarize things back. :(

[ghost-of-the-machine]

i feel. like bad? i need to get it off my chest!!!!

soo. okay i

i avoided my friends for like.. almost a month i guess. 22 days, the only reason i know that is cuz she counted. i didnt think she would, and i feel.. so much conflict. im avoidant when she brings it up, i dont wanna talk about it cuz i know she wont like what i have to say

she got drunk one night, like *really* drunk and she shared with me some pretty real feelings she probably wouldnt have otherwise. it hurt me, but i know she was hurting too. she *insisted* i speak about it, like. VERBALLY, anyone who knows me knows i fall short there. i

things have just been the way that they were for so long, i guess when it changed it was jarring maybe? ive been the loser. we're all losers, but i was the only one in my entire friend group who didnt have other friends outside of said friend group, but now i do!! and it makes me feel so happy, that i have so many friends i love so dearly yknow? but it makes me feel bitter that she doesnt like that

do you know how embarrassing it was? anytime i THOUGHT i had something good, id go and ramble happily about someone who i didnt realize id be LOSING in the next few months. embarrassing, shameful! but not this time

i guess me talking about it made her feel scared, but it upset me, because she got really upset when i told her i love all my friends equally.. i guess she didnt wanna hear that someone i met less than a year ago could be someone i love as much as her, which i get. i get how it sounds, but its not like that!! i love them UNIQUELY. she brings me things they dont, they bring me things she doesnt, im content and balanced and thankful for all of it

i handled it. poorly, i feel like i handled it poorly but i dont blame myself too much, im not known for this skill i guess. she started crying and it? it was like a joke at first but she was emotional cuz of the alcohol and it very quickly became not a joke, its the first time ive like.. heard her cry? and i felt bad that it was my fault and i really dont know how to comfort someone like that, its not a social skill i have upfront!!! over text its easy to collect my thoughts, but verbally? too much mental energy is being used on holding a conversation alone. but i also dont feel bad because its not WRONG for me to love my friends equally, i dont blame her for how she felt ofc

i didnt think i mattered so much to her, i guess. but she told me about it, and it made me... uncomfortable. like, TERRIBLY uncomfortable. thats why i did it, why i started focusing somewhere else. i came back suddenly, they were in the middle of playing a game and it felt so.. alien? like. it made me feel sick, this is my HOME and i felt like a stranger almost. i know 22 days isnt so long, but. idk, ive tried to keep in better contact, we are playing the games now, as we should!! but the truth is that after knowing it hurt her when i talked about my other friends, i just.. stopped talking about them, but i do things with them EVERYDAY, thats my day!! if i cant talk about them, i have nothing to say i guess

its bittersweet, ive sorta gotten back to being the unhinged loser they enjoy having around ig but i still dont talk as much as before, i dont want to because i dont wanna hurt her yknow? im HAPPY. im happy, so happy

she said she felt ashamed feeling the way she did, said she hates that shit but its still how she feels, i dont blame her. honestly?? its giving bpd like MY PERSONAL OPINION... with the way she described how she felt about me, i think shes one of us but. that adds a whole other layer, the discomfort i felt, is that how i make people feel? when im obsessed with them? when i feel like i cant exist without them? it feels so wrong to say things like this, shes my best friend, ive known her for years.. its just. we dont do emotions, i guess? and i think thats wrong of me cuz she expressed that she wanted it like that, she wanted to be open and vulnerable, and i didnt like it!!! we can do it over text sure, but.. sit and talk with me? she dmed me the other day saying like 'dommm we should vc, i wanna get drunk and have therapy again while you give me good advice'. i ignored her text, on purpose. usually its NEVER on purpose, if i dont respond you can bet like 100% i clicked the message, read it and then went back to what i was doing because i was distracted, or i have a really bad tendency of THINKING my replies and not actually sending them and being like yep. social interaction well done. but no, i ignored it on purpose. anytime she asks us "guys, yes or no..." i say no, cuz i know the question is if she should drink or not. i know she'll still drink anyways, i just leave early, pretend my new sleep schedule is the reason why, pretend im tired because it makes me uncomfortable still

im not good at it!!! i cant give her what she needs like THAT.. i cant have her sit there and tell me all her problems and cry, i CANT because i dont know how to handle it! like i genuinely have no idea how to handle that at all. over text i could probably manage just fine, but she wanted me to sit there, wanted my camera on and everything.. i felt like i really? i mean i TRIED, i did my best, i listened to her, i can always do that.. the problem is she wants advice, you will not get advice from me if im forced to physically speak. so i just feel like i let her down, yknow? i dont know

ive backed myself into a corner probably, im too scared to be open cuz she tends to forget the things she says when shes drunk, so maybe she doesnt remember telling me how she feels about me? i guess theres an added layer of discomfort, because like. when we were 18 i think? she drunkenly confessed that she had a crush on me and it felt really.. ive never seen her differently for that, you can absolutely trust. shes my best friend and i never pushed her away despite those feelings, i just had to tell her i didnt feel the same and it never came up again, and we've been fine! but, knowing how she feels about me now? it makes me uncomfortable because of that, its hard to describe. idk its a lot of mixed feelings!!!! nothing i could ever tell her, probably

and it made me feel horrible for all the times ive ever talked fondly about my friends, or the times i was breaking down so badly over them that i had no choice but to cry and wail in my channel, knowing literally only one of them probably would respond (which was true, they talked me thru it a little bit). thats where our emotional talk ends. i dont want to be emotional with someone i know physically, it stresses me out!!!! yes i love you so much, you are my entire world!! ill kiss yr hair and hands and we can cuddle, we can spend a whole day together and go out to eat, we can sit at home and play games, we can do all of it! but.. online its easy, im words on a screen. physically?

i hate to feel GUTTED. i hate feeling vulnerable, i hate feeling EXPOSED. that first time i went to therapy for fucking GENDER DYSPHORIA and our first session was *wasted*, wasted because i had to tell my mom that i wanted to kill myself. sinking in my stomach. all those times ive had traumatic response to them fighting, the fucking scars because of that, the times my family have seen the scars. IM TIRED imf ucking tired, i hate to feel that way. i hate being exposed i hate having my heart on display i hate it all!!! i hate someone knowing something about me, i wont let myself be pressured into sharing trauma and details, i want it SECRET. share yr trauma with me, thats FINE, but its like. idk i wanted that call to end to fast, it was completely out of my comfort zone and i feel GUILTY for that. im averse to change, i really hate change actually. i made a whole post talking about our dynamic and how i adored it, and then it was sorta flipped on its head? i stopped playing that little dragon game on roblox cuz i was playing that while we were talking and anytime i fly around looking for chests, the memory of that conversation comes back to me. i want to forget

we fit like a glove, we're back to how we always have been when we talk, but.. she mentioned it the other day. thats how i knew i was avoidant for 22 days, she told me she counted. i felt bad, cuz i hoped she wouldnt notice. i couldnt think of anything to say, other than "well.. i was monster hunting idk man" and she sounded upset with me when i said it. we moved on quickly but. im not made for that. what did she want me to say? whatever she wanted, i clearly didnt say it. idk i just feel lost, feel stuck and the worst thing?

i dont want to be exposed to anyone but them. like THATS the thing, maybe if i didnt have them then id be fine with it, but.. it makes me uncomfortable, feels like betrayal. they can see that side of me, no one else can because i dont WANT anyone else to. i trust them, i feel safe enough to be vulnerable around them, its a big step for me and one that i dont take lightly. its not her fault i dont feel safe, and lord knows i trust her!!! its just.. different. opening up is hard, i feel more.. understood? i guess you could say. idk its just. hard to describe. i love my friends so much, but my friendships are all UNIQUE and thats why i love them. talking to either is fulfilling!!! incredibly, in very different ways but still!

idk it just sucks i guess, it makes me sad that me talking about my happiness is a sore spot for her, ive never been happier in my whole life!!! but i know it probably hurts her that it wasnt her that gave me that happiness. theres nothing i can do about that!! she makes me happy in another way, one exclusive to her. we are so sillay in vc, its FUN i have so much fun with her, but i think that.. maybe by telling her that a while ago, i fucked up. i shouldnt have told her she was my BEST best friend, i shouldnt have i just get.. natural tendency to tell people what they want, avoid conflict.

it feels like it established an accidental conflict, one no one else knows about. did i make her think i loved her more than my friend? or my other friend? like it makes me sick, but you cant just BACK TRACK. i cant just say actually? like i love them also yknow. cuz that would hurt her probably, its like im fucked no matter what!!! sure we ahve good chemistry in vc, the best chemistry in that whole friend group when vcing, but? i used to refer to one of them as my spouse like. MUTUALLY, we were married platonically okay. the other one? i love him so much hes so silly and . GRGR like. i just hate this idea, but its all my fault it exists. no backbone. i love my friends EQUALLY. i have a lot of love to give everyone, it would hurt me so badly if i wasnt loved equally, thats why i love the way i do. i even told her, im INSISTENT with it. i refuse to love inequally, it would hurt people and i hate that!!! but. i hurt her regardless, its. IDK man its a lot im just airing this out, she'll never see this, none of them will. good

we can move on from this, we mostly already have. im just scared i might have to put my foot down a bit, and tell her that it made me uncomfortable, i dont want to put her in that situation but if we get there then we get there. we'll be okay im sure

[straykats]

anyways i just find it very soft and nice that i have people (hi mutuals) who share more than one of my interests and are rather active about them..? as in, they'll occasioanlmy post about x y z or reach out when i post about x y z or like they'll incorporate one into the other?? like. im so used to just having like.. oh this is the friend who i can talk to about anime, this friend about kpop, this ine about books.. and now its like.. i could put all my mutuals names in a hat and draw one out and i could talk about a multitude of things with them and its so weird because i.. i dont know you guys but i can talk to you about so much more on top of those interests as well? and i just :(

sorry the tags are a little bit of a love letter but like not poetic or romantic and super super ramble-y

[bugintheruins]

i wish there was a colour picker type tool that you could use for emotion, like, i have a v specific feeling i want a story for my characters to have but idk how to give it that yknow