#idk it makes everyone else’s faults seem a lot more fun in comparison
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dykesynthezoid · 4 months ago
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I’m not even really a Marius hater tbh I’m mostly just neutral in a “yeah he’s both awful and interesting and important story wise but I can’t really be bothered to spend that much time thinking about him” way but at the same time 90% of the time he opens his mouth I’m like
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sluttbuttsstuff · 3 years ago
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For the prompts, 49 with doppio? >:3 Idk what it is about him I just look at him and think “oh you’re NEEDY needy, huh?”. Thank you so much, you’re a really good writer! :)
No problem buddy, thanks for the request! >:3
Warnings: not sfw, dubcon/noncon, abduction, dark themes, yandere, etc.
Also, my requests are still open, if anyone else is interested!
Enjoy!
Yandere prompt with Doppio, “You want me to fuck you…? Would that make you happy? Would it make you love me?” afab reader, dub/non con
All you wanted to do now was go home. You had had a long week at work, your parents were nagging you again, and to make things worse you had a headache that would not go away. After an exhausting day that began before the sun was out, and ended after the sun had set, you certainly deserved to do nothing more than go home, eat some junk food in your comfy pjs, listen to a podcast while you took a bath and pampered yourself, and maybe jerk off before bed. Unfortunately, you had a “girls night” tonight.
Your friends (your IRL friends at least) complained that you never went out with them anymore (nevermind that whenever you suggested doing something with them, or wanted to chat or text on the phone they were busy) and had forced you to go clubbing with them to celebrate the three-day weekend ahead. You weren’t much of a drinker, and really weren’t much of a dancer, so you had been given the purses to hold while you waited for them to be ready to go home.
You wrinkled your nose in frustration, glaring into the blurry screen of your phone looking at the late time: this was unfair. You were a hard worker, kind to a fault to those around you, and you deserved better than this. Sitting in a corner of a crowded club, everyone in the place having a great time except for you, tired and alone. At least in your apartment, you chose to be there, and at least no one actively ignored you: places like this just pointed out the flaws you hated about yourself more: you were bad with people, and easy to ignore.
Once one of your “friends” stumbled over to the group’s table, you left them with everyone's purse, mumbling you were going to the bathroom (you didn’t know if she heard you and you didn’t care) and left before anyone could stop you. You stumbled your way to the restroom in heels way too high for you to walk in, trying to clean yourself up and find a quiet place to text your goodbyes so your friends wouldn’t worry about your sudden disappearance. Leaning over the sink counter, you wiped a makeup smear off the corner of your lips, noticing a second too late someone behind you.
“Hey, there’s another sink-” You began to say to the blurred figure way too close to you, before a sudden eruption of pain hit the side of your head, and you were out in a flash…
The next time you regained consciousness was several hours later, but it was still dark when you opened your eyes, trying to remember what happened and where in the world you were. The stale cigarette smell, the unreasonably cold ac, the bedsheets starched so strongly that the sheets felt like plastic- this was definitely a motel. But where, and how long had you been here? As you began to sit up, you heard a surprised, timid voice.
“Oh, thank goodness! You’re awake, I was beginning to worry about you! Hold on, don’t move so suddenly, i’ll help you sit up.
Sure enough, as you started moving, your head lit up with painful throbbing that made last night’s headache seem like nothing in comparison. You grit your teeth and clenched your eyes shut, trying not to groan in pain.
“What the hell happened to me last night?” you grunted through your teeth, rubbing your temple as gentle hands helped slowly sit you up propped against cushions.
“Haha, you had a lot of bad luck last night, running into my boss. He was waiting for...an employee in the restroom and thought you were sent after him. He’s a bit paranoid, and he may have...accidentally clobbered you.” The voice apologized, gentle as he handed you what felt like a glass of water.
You forced yourself to open your eyes; it was still dark, but you could tell it wasn’t because of the time of day but rather a lack of light and closed curtains. You looked at..you looked at the person in front of you. Like whoever had attacked you last night, they had long pink hair, braided and side parted. Their eyes were green and wide, and they looked particularly juvenile with a crop top and freckles. They were on the smaller side, perhaps even shorter than you (hard to tell from while on the bed) and their eyes were crinkled in apprehension, like he was afraid you were going to hurt him.
“Erm, don’t worry though, I talked him out of doing anything too..extreme, after all I'm his right hand man! Besides, you seem like a perfectly nice person, I'd hate to see anything bad happen to you. Sorry, I'm rambling! Umm, do you want something for your headache? You were groaning in your sleep, I'm sure it doesn’t feel so good right now-” He went on and on, pulling out some painkillers to take with your water.
After thanking him, you were about to swallow the pill before pausing, looking at the strange man who’d taken you to a remote hotel after his boss had nearly killed you. Sensing your suspicion, doppio exclaimed, “Oh, don’t worry, they’re safe, name brand painkillers! Um, hold on, lemme just-” And he made a show of popping some of the pills you were holding into his mouth and swallowing, sticking out his tongue and opening his mouth to show you he’d ingested it.
Satisfied, and more importantly in a lot of pain, you took some of the pills yourself, much to the relief of the pink haired man.
“Oh good, thank you for doing that! I was so worried watching you asleep, you’ll feel much better now! By the way, my name’s Doppio, it’s a pleasure to meet you! Oh! And I know your name’s y/n because you had your purse and ID on you! Haha, sorry for going through your purse, I was just hoping to find any info on you that might be, you know, important.” he sat on the bed, scooching closer and closer to you.
You cleared your throat, unsure of what to say, and the watchful eyes of Doppio doing nothing to make you feel better.
“Well, um, thank you, Doppio. I appreciate you, um, saving me? Sorry for any inconvenience, I'll just, um-” You try to get up to leave, only for Doppio to place a hand over your leg.
“Don’t go! What, I mean, what if you hurt yourself? You probably have a concussion, and also you haven’t had breakfast? We could eat together and-” Doppio stammered, grabbing your hand and stroking it with his sweaty, cold fingers.
You had to stop him, before things got out of hand.
“Thank you, Doppio, it really was very sweet of you to take such good care of me, but I-”
“Please! You don’t understand, I mean-” Doppio fumbled with his words, clearly trying to make you stay at all costs.
“Doppio, i can’t stay here forever, i need to go home. My friends are probably worried about me by now.” You tried to press on, you didn’t want to upset the man with a powerful boss, but you felt increasingly claustrophobic with Doppio pawing at you.
“You mean those mean girls who left you with their purses all night? Why would you care about what they-” Doppio covered his mouth with both hands quickly, realizing what he just said.
Your blood ran ice cold; how did he know so much about them? Had he been watching you before the “incident”
Using his moment of weakness, you got up from the bed and tried to reach the door; it was time for you to go home, if not call the cops.
Doppio yelped, Throwing himself in front of the door before you could make your escape.
“Please, don’t be scared y/n! I didn’t mean to upset you, I only meant that I can treat you much better than your friends can. I mean, look at how good I've been for you so far?? I didn’t make you dance with me at the club, even though I really wanted to. I didn’t just have my fun against your will in the bathroom stall like the boss told me to do.I saved you from a concussion, or worse! I got you your own hotel room for the night, and didn’t take advantage of you or touch you while you were asleep! I want our first time to be special, after all! Isn’t that what you want?” Doppio pleaded, eyes wild as he tried to smile, trying to calm you.
You were anything but calm however, this guy was clearly obsessed with you, and had been for longer than just one night. Even if at first he had merely seemed like a pathetic “nice guy” you no longer had any pity or time to give him.
“Doppio, get away from the door and let me leave, now.” you demanded in your best authoritative voice. Doppio whimpered, this wasn’t how this was supposed to go at all, you were supposed to love him!
“You can’t! Boss and I won’t let you!” He cried, covering the door with his body. With no other choice, you slid out of your shoes and charged at him full speed. You managed to give him a good blow on the head, and threw him out of the way of the door. He cried, crumpled on the ground. If not for the fact that he had kidnapped you, you might have felt bad for hurting him like this, but you had to think of yourself at this moment.
As you finally unlock and pull open the door, heading towards freedom, you hear the strangest noise behind you.
“RingRingRingRingRing!” Doppio calls after you, in an unnatural, high pitched tone. You try to ignore it, you literally don’t have time for this, but with strength he had not previously displayed, Doppio grabs one of your arms, twisting it behind your back and up to his ear, holding it like a telephone.
There’s a trickle of blood, and one of his eyes is rolled back in its socket, but he calmly says, “Hello, this is Doppio,” Into your hand, as if he was having a normal conversation on the phone.
You scream out, doubled over by the pain in your arm, Doppio silent as he “listens” to his “Phonecall” oblivious to your suffering. Where did all this power come from? He was acting like an entirely different person, and frankly scaring you. Doppio nodded, pulling your hand closer into his ear and intently listening to nothing but air before “Hanging up and pulling you back into the motel room.
He threw you on the bed ( his arms felt much stronger, and more muscular for some reason) before crawling on top of you and pinning you down. You were too stunned, and frankly too scared, to come up with any means of escape, just weakly struggling to throw him off of you to no avail.
“Doppio, please-” You whispered, eyes blurry with tears.
“I talked to the boss, and he helped me figure out what to do. He wants our relationship to succeed after all!” Doppio exclaimed, additude reverted to how he’d first spoken to you. You were confused, you’d neither seen nor heard anyone in or around the room, who was he talking to and how?
“Boss told me that people like you need some discipline in order to be obedient, or you’ll walk all over me. If I can do that, then I can make you love me, and we’ll be happy together, isn’t that what you want?” Doppio told you, stroking your cheek.
“This is not okay, Doppio!” you yell, thrashing against both arms, “Let me go or i’ll-”
...
Wait a minute, both arms?
Then how was he…?
You look over to one side in shock, only to see a floating metallic and red arm holding you down, one on either side. You screamed, overwhelmed by a stalker and strange supernatural forces you couldn’t understand.
“Oh, you can see King Crimson's arms? Interesting, perhaps because of your near death experience with Boss, you can see stands now? Although, it would be bad if you developed a stand, what to do?...” Doppio pondered to himself, speaking apparent babble.
You cried, trying to wake up from this obvious nightmare with no luck.
“Awww, hey y/n, it’s okay, i’m not gonna hurt you! Not if you be good for me and Boss.” Doppio cooed, kissing your cheeks and forehead. “I talked boss into keeping you with us- you’re always so lonely at home, and never have a good time with others, right? You don’t have to lie anymore, I've been watching you for a while. Nobody else seems to, though, they’re too self-absorbed and stupid to realize how incredible you are!” He continued, oblivious to his words not helping, but hurting you.
“You’re perfect for me and boss, we can take really good care of you. Forget this lousy motel, we have mansions and villas all over Italy that we can take holidays to. We have billions of Lira from work, you’ll never have to lift another finger and we’ll pamper you to death. And best of all? You’ll never have to see your awful friends or family again! Isn’t it awful how they treat you? We can get rid of them, so they can’t hurt you!” He finishes, grinning ear to ear, but his eyes hollow and lifeless, staring unblinkingly into yours.
This guy was sick, there was no other word to it. You might have had issues with your family, and yeah your friends could be assholes sometimes, but you didn’t want them killed! What good would that do you, or anyone for that matter?!
Doppio seemed to read your thoughts, “Look, I know it's a lot to take in at once, but trust me. Boss and I have planned this out for a while now, and we’re always going to do what’s best for us, ok? So don’t worry so much, and please stop struggling? Boss warned me if you got too unruly he’d take over and finish what he started last night.
A wave of nausea slithered through you as you remembered, thinking how close you were to dying. You gave up, lying limp on the bed, praying for this to end.
Doppio smiled again, this one almost seeming genuine, and gave you the softest kiss to your lips. It was childish, almost, and he clearly lacked experience, but he gained more confidence from your lack of struggling. With the mysterious hands holding you (stands? King crimson?) his own hands were free to touch you. He started With your cheeks, your face, your hair, your neck, stroking you with feather-light touches, his fingers tracing each curve, digit and flaw like he was trying to memorize it all.
“Finally… I finally get to touch you like this… I’ve been waiting for so long, y/n. Do you know how long I've wanted to hold you?” He whispered, wrapping his arms around your neck, cradling your cheek to his. You didn’t know, and you didn’t want to, but Doppio told you anyway.
“I’ve been watching, waiting...for so long. Following you home from work, listening into your calls, finding your online accounts. I’ve known since I first saw you that you were the one for me, and now I get to prove it to you. I get to show you all the things I've been meaning to do to you. You’ll never be lonely again, not with me around. We’ll never be lonely~”
He giggled the last part, giddy with excitement, as he slid his fingers down your ribcage, your sides, fiddling with the bottom of your shirt. You wriggled, trying to fight him off again, only to your dismay Doppio giggled even harder at your reactions-perhaps because he knew you could never overpower him.
“Ohhh~ still so shy? Don’t be so uptight, y/n, you need to live a little! I know how much you want this; you complain about it all the time on your personal blog-” You could feel the blush on your cheeks heating up your face, desperate to make him shut up, “ How you want someone to have their way with you, to make you forget everything else in life. You’re desperate for someone to truly cherish and understand you; mentally and physically. You want me to love you? You want me to fuck you…? Would that make you happy? Would it make you love me?” Doppio rambled on and on, ripping your shirt off with strength he hadn’t had before.
You yelped, goosebumps forming on your skin as Doppio cackled, rubbing his face on your stomach, and into your cleavage poking out from your bra.
“Yes, let go for me! Show me every emotion, everything you’ve been holding back from me for so long- i need it, I demand it!” He snarled, splitting your nicest bra in half, and biting down on your neck, hard.
You screamed, legs kicking uselessly as the pain blurred your mind and you were operating purely on instinct. Doppio didn’t seem bothered in the least by it, you could still feel his laughter against your sore neck, as he sucked down on it, trying to bruise and mark you. His hands couldn’t help but find their way to your breasts, toying with them and squeezing them with admittedly little expertise. But he was a quick learner, making note of each little gasp and twitch according to how he touched you, and improving his technique from there. He twisted your nipples a bit roughly, already hard from the chilly air and sensitive to touch- you couldn’t help but moan a little in satisfaction. It had been awhile.
Doppio’s moans echoed yours, as he kissed his way down the crevice of your breasts, and licked each nipple in turn. You squirmed, not in fear or anger but pleasure, angry at yourself for letting this strange man win your body over so easily. Doppio kept his eyes on you at all times, studying your face to see how you felt. He’d had to watch you for so long from so far away, alone in your bedroom, or so you thought… it was time to use the knowledge he’d gained to make your body crazy for him.
You jumped at Doppio’s hands, cupping your groin through your pants, trying not to buck into his hands . It was getting harder and harder to deny him, though, why couldn’t you just-?
Doppio pulled your pants down to your ankles, taking your panties with it. He groaned audibly at the sight- your pussy was so wet and dripping, there was still a trail connected to your underwear.
“No, don’t-” You cried, snapping your legs shut, visibly scared at what was taking place again. Doppio was losing patience, crouching down and prying your legs open,
“Stop fighting me, y/n, you clearly want this!” He cried, eye twitching in annoyance. He managed to open your legs again, and buried his face into your pussy. He moaned, licking up a wet stripe against your labia, warm and puffy and so wet for him- he knew you would be, he knew you loved him.
Tears streaked down the sides of your face, this was so much and so intense. Your thighs clamped down on Doppio’s cheeks and neck, squeezing him as hard as you could. Not hard enough, apparently, as he just started giggling again through a full mouth and busy tongue “Ssho good, y/n, why have you been hiding thissh from mee~?” he moaned, tongue circling your clit. You flung your head back into the pillow, gripping the mysterious hands that held you for any source of strength or comfort.
Watching you whimper so pitifully with his head between your legs, obviously blissed out after being so needy and alone for so long, just did things to doppio. He loved the pained, fucked out expression on your face- you couldn’t even keep your eyes open as he snuck one, two fingers into your aching pussy. You whimpered so cutely, and it was all for him and him alone. Finally~
“Y/n, please, i can only hold back for so long, let me make sure it’s not painful… be good for me, please?” Doppio begged, grinding his hips into the mattress before he could help himself. Begrudgingly, you moved your thighs back just enough for Doppio to push them away, when he got a wonderful idea. King crimson, or what Boss had lent him of his stand to use, sensed his thought, and grabbed both your hands in one arm. Doppio pushed your thighs back and up, effectively bending your knees into your chest and displaying your pussy in such a beautiful way. You cried out, surprised by the sudden movements and embarrassed by how exposed you were, but there was nothing you could do about it. Doppio was just too strong.
The other free hand floated down, spreading your lips apart to give Doppio a nice view before pummeling two of his thick, strong fingers inside of you. You screamed, crying as the fingers curled directly into your sweet spot, massaging with robotic-like precision and speed. The sounds you were making were wet, animalistic, and you were quickly brought close to the brink.
“Perfect, y/n! Just like that, let yourself go! It makes me happy to see a side of yourself you never show anyone else- and you never will to anyone but me! Remember, I'm the one making you feel this good, right y/n? You couldn’t possibly find anything half as wonderful from anyone else but me! Me, got it?!” Doppio exclaimed, his voice cracking and becoming much darker, scarier. For a second, you could swear he looked like a different person entirely, wild, angry and dangerous- but you blinked and Doppio was just as before.
Doppio licked his lips, sweating and anxious, this was good enough to make you love him, right? This was what he had to do to make you happy? Boss’s words from before appeared in his head though, and he remembered how Boss had always been right before. Doppio trusted him, and was determined to win you over. Doppio let go of one of your legs-you seemed adequately distracted and restrained to get away from him- and unzipped his fly. In truth, he would’ve preferred to get all the way naked with you for the first time, so you could see and feel the real him as well, but clearly the two of you were too desperate and impatient for him to get fully naked. This time.
You whimpered at the sound of a zipper, feeling the fingers pull out of you. You heard the crinkle of a wrapped, and the muffled groan as Doppio probably rolled a condom onto himself, but you were too afraid to look. The strong floating hand, still wet with your juices, gripped your cheek and forced you to look at Doppio, staring you down with much more restraint and calm than he had been. Doppio kissed your cheek, then your lip, and pushed his warm cock achingly slowly, gently, into your waiting pussy.
You couldn’t help yourself from moaning, grabbing at the hands that held you, thrusting yourself onto Doppio’s hard and hot cock. He bit his lip, feeling you twitch and squeeze around him; he was trying so hard to be gentle for you, why were you still making things so difficult. He chuckled to himself, and motioned for King Crimson to let you go; finally you were beginning to relax and enjoy yourself, and he wanted to enjoy every bit of it.
Without thinking, you wrapped your arms around Doppio, holding him close to you. Your mind was a mess, your body even messier, you didn’t know what to think or do about your abducter/rapist fucking you so tenderly, and you were tired of fighting. So you let him fuck you, slowly and gently and way way emotionally. Doppio wiped away new tears you hadn’t realized were there, shushing you, “It’s okay, my sweet y/n. Just relax and let me do the work. Don’t fight it any more, just let go.” He whispered, pressing kisses into your lips and cheeks far too sweetly.
So you did, you relaxed and sank into the mattress, pulling Doppio down with you. He let go of your thighs, and held you tightly to him as he fucked-no, made love to you. He gradually picked up the pace, huffing and whispering words of admiration to you about your body, or how much he adored you. You took it all limply, the fight having gone out of you and desperate for comfort. The floating arms, which you had forgotten about, reappeared and stimulated your nipples and clit, bringing you closer and closer to the edge.
Doppio sped up as well, he knew this would have to end, but he wanted to make it last as long as possible. This was your first time together, after all. He wanted to make it special. Your legs wrapped around his waist, pulling him deeper and closer into you. You could feel the spongy head of his dick rub your inside so sweetly, you were starting to get addicted to the feeling. Doppio buried his head into your neck, mumbling nonsense as he pushed in deeper and deeper, faster and faster, as his restraint gave way to passion.
“Y/n I- I don’t know how much longer I can last, but-” He kissed you, as the stroking of your clit sped up. You groaned loudly, you were so close, “Just a bit longer, please~” You begged, biting your lip. Doppio took a deep breath, steeling himself as he was determined to make you come first. He pounded into you, urging you closer and closer, four sets of hands circling your body and drawing out noises and gasps from you out of your control.
“Almost there, please, almost~!!!” You cried, throwing your head back with a final sigh as you came hard and fast, your core heating up and washing over you as Doppio helped you ride it out with clit rubs. Your walls fluttering around him, the face that you made as you came from him, for him, it was too much and he quickly filled his condom inside of you, moaning even louder than you had as he thrust without abandon into your wonderful, most precious place. He didn’t want to stop, thrusting almost to the point of overstimulation, before he had to stop, and collapsed on top of you. He cooed and kissed his praises and thanks into your shoulder and skin, before he noticed the soft sound of you snoring. Poor thing, he chuckled to himself, you’d really worked yourself up.
He reluctantly pulled out, after indulging in 5 minutes of cuddling your sleeping body and listening to your heartbeat. Doppio cleaned the two of you off, and tucked you into the covers of the motel- now would be a good time to set up moving you into your new home. After all, The whole reason you were in the motel is because the moving company Boss had hired to move your things into the main base would take several hours to complete their job, and Boss didn’t want anyone seeing you or Doppio at home. Doppio ruffled your hair as you slept, pulling out his cellphone to check in with Boss and give him the full update he’d requested.
Tonight was going to be very busy.
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funkymbtifiction · 5 years ago
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IDK who I am?
Ok so this is kind of a whole ass mess, I started off with a question that would make it a useful read for everyone and not a waste of time, but it ended up being a bit of a personal advice question so I hope that’s ok.
What would cause unhealthiness in a type? Most of the time, i feel like i’m a healthy ENTP, but multiple arguments with my ESFJ (or ESTJ?) mom have caused me to seriously doubt myself in many ways over the years. I read that an unhealthy ENTP can be argumentative, unwilling to drop arguments, etc. These are all things my mom tells me I do, along with not taking responsibility and making excuses. I’m 18 now and we don’t argue that much but we did a lot when I was around 13-15 and kind of, ya know, going through it as teenagers do. And since my mom has basically always used these same digs at me, I’ve assumed that maybe that’s the reason that it really hurts whenever those same digs are brought up now, and basically I have a lot of self doubt and am insecure about being an immature version of my type (because that would mean that i’ve been in the wrong in so many instances in my life if everything my mom says about me is true, and i think that sentence in itself proves my mom right in that i don’t like taking accountability.) As I’m typing this, I’m wondering if maybe that fear of being an unhealthy version of my type or admitting my faults could be related to enneagram ?? Anyways, I know that nobody’s perfect and can definitely appear even worse especially in conflict, I just sometimes wonder if i’m unhealthy or a completely different type altogether. That’s another thing, I’m always trying to find an answer to things, but have a hard time settling on just one. This could be another reason for my self-doubt. I guess my question, after that exhausting story, is WHY? I go back and forth between caring or not caring about personality type, but I’m in a particular stage right now where i care and really just wanna know why i am the way i am (i’m in a bit of desperate state of mind rn lol.) I don’t know if i gave enough info for you to answer this, but what causes me to fear failure so much? Does it have to do with being raised by an ESxJ? Or is it related to enneagram? Or something else altogether? Also, am i even an entp?? you’d probably need to know more about me, but from the way I wrote this, could you give me anything? I’m asking for so much right now, I’d honestly be annoyed at me. But I’ve been so unsure about so many things lately and I just want one thing in my life I can be at least a little more sure about.
I’m sorry you are in a place of feeling like you aren’t sure who you are; if it helps, most people who embark on MBTI journeys face that, sooner or later. And it often precedes a period of self-understanding that helps you find your type, because you start focusing on how you respond to things and how you get things done, rather than what others are telling you about yourself, and linking that to specific functions.
So much hyper-focus on what your mom says about you either indicates you are a high feeler (FJ seems more reasonable than FP at this point, since it’s not about defending self from the outside world, but wondering if what others say about you is true; but if you are sure of Ne-dom, I’d look into ENFP also) or in a Fe-loop. EFJs often mistype as ETPs at first, because they don’t realize how much they lack a specific sense of self, because their entire identity is built on how others perceive, relate to, and speak to them. If this has been a persistent concern for as long as you can remember, consider EFJ (most ETPs at your age care way less what others think, and way more about how they can ‘use’ them to get what they want, since Fe is just a tool for them and not a place of ‘being’).
If you are an ENTP, you sound as if you are in a Fe-related loop, excessively ruminating on others’ external views of  you and causing you to wonder if you are really the irresponsible jerk they tell you that you are. To break this loop, you need to get back into Ti and return to building inner frameworks of logical understanding and consistency. Your natural, healthy tendency will be to notice flaws in arguments, belief systems, and logical inconsistencies, and point them out to yourself and others. You should be learning ‘how things work,’ and not worrying so much ‘how others are reacting to me.’
To gain a better understanding of oneself, you need to put your mother’s criticisms into perspective. Is she the sort of person who finds something harsh and critical to say about everyone, all the time? Or is it just you? What is the objective truth in her digs? Can you come up with specific examples of you doing the things she is accusing you of, or is it just generalization on both your part?
Immature (and at 18, you can’t be anything else, cognitively) ETPs are prone to not taking personal responsibility for themselves and making excuses about it, yes. Ti can rationalize, argue, avoid, and shift responsibility away from self (a natural behavior of unhealthy Fe) rather than simply admit, “What I did was wrong, and I’m sorry.” Arguing, for an ETP, is like breathing – they are so good at it, and so self-assured of thinking up an excuse for everything they do in order to justify their “what I want” based thinking, they forget that their “fun banter” is actually seen as “aggressive behavior” from feeling types. (Sherlock is a great example of what I am talking about.)
If you think your mom has a point, and you can come up with times when you did avoid taking personal responsibility, you have a choice – to work on next time refusing to give an excuse, humbling yourself and admitting you didn’t do what you were supposed to do, or you were selfish and ate the last bag of chips in the house, or whatever else she “gets on you” for. You can also start taking “adult initiative” and doing “mature” things around the house, to show her you are taking responsibility for your stuff, your chores, your bills, etc. The only way to convince an ESJ that you are a mature adult is to consistently act like one and show them you are being responsible with your decisions. Part of being a mature adult, regardless of type, is admitting when you are wrong and taking responsibility for the problems/pain you cause.
If she is criticizing / nitpicking needlessly, analyze her and think about her reasons why she might be doing this, or feels the need to bring others down, or is being “hard” on you in particular. There are many factors that go into people’s behaviors. Do you remind her of someone she used to know, who went the wrong way in life, and is she associating your behaviors with that person’s downward path? High Si’s are prone to instant sensory comparisons of that nature. SJs are also highly responsible people, very driven, who have a specific idea of “how the world works,” and how YOU will have to be, to succeed in it. (IE, 9/5 job, be responsible, buy car insurance, save for retirement, take care of your family, etc). This is how and why they clash with the “when I see it, I’ll know I want to do it, and do it for awhile, and then find something else to do” fly-by-the-seat-of-their-pants EP types.
With parents, it’s also important to remember their bias. Their opinion of you is just their opinion. What matters more out in the world is what your boss, your coworkers, and other people who have a direct financial impact on you as an adult in the workforce think of you. Your parents have watched you grow up. Seen all the good and bad things. Things that do not matter at all in the workforce, and that nobody knows about, outside the family. Things that do not have to ‘define you’ as an adult. EJ parents can also have a lot of trouble transitioning from being “parent” to “friend” – she is used to being your “mom.” So, prove her wrong. What can you do to show her you’re an adult?
You might also be an Enneagram 9 or 6 (both, Tritype-wise, is likely) which is messing with your ability to have a concrete sense of self.
Once you’re in college, your functions will show clearer. Heavy school work / an environment where you need to please peers and teachers will bring out lower functional development.
- ENFP Mod
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gg-astrology · 5 years ago
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Update Pt. II: Self-Realization and What I’m Going to do with my Old Posts
i.e. You ever experience having Big Fear of saying something on a subject, but being scared someone/something is going to Crash Down on you with a c/o about how Wrong you are? Here’s how I’m dealing with emotions and expectations and Big Fear of Consequences (incase it helps, but its just my personal experience + thoughts) 💕❤️💗
🚫long post🚫
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*this is still just an update on what’s been happening in my life?? So this is literally just what I’ve thought about, processing and dealing with. It’s not really meant to be like - here’s a full-out well-explained educational post with an ending conclusion on the subject. I’m literally just recounting events of what happened and how I feel like I’d do to a friend irl - so I hope you guys can take it as such as well! 
It’s not a big deal but I think it’s good to process, share and talk about overcoming my own personal issues with you guys!! 💕❤️💗
So:
There’s one day where I woke up (when I was still without my laptop) and saw someone comment on my old post. I have tumblr linked to my email for certain notifications - just so I can screen and know what to expect when I come into my inbox/replies.
Basically, it was an old post that I wrote trying to help anon but I was factually incorrect (to the point where I cringed at the first sentence and then shamed myself to bed 5 hours later) This made me realize my Top 10 Nightmare of Tumblr Paranoia had came true (at long last).
It’s probably bad to expect it to happen? But it  happens y know. And I’m actually glad they commented because phew I want to actually make this blog a place where I can actually help people and talk about things more objectively. So heres the thing:
I’m going to go back and clarify parts of it. I’ll mostly keep most of the content intact because I think I had good intentions, I was just Lacking A lot of Fundamental Theory and Boy That’s Not A Good Thing For An Astro Blog NOT To Have.
I want to keep it as a process and archive of how far I’ve come and how much I’ve grown/learnt. I’m? decidedly not that proud of my earlier works - and there’s things I’m still concerned about that I want to go back and address/re-edit so it could be better. But I think it’s low-key kind of fun to see who you are in the past and how present me would view past me now?
It’s like a scrapbook of my astrology journey as well - like yeah I was wrong on things, but seeing me do more research and making actual pieces of work to complement my studies is like a portfolio of what I’ve done, how far I’ve come, how my objectives have changed (if they have/haven’t) what I could stand before but couldn’t stand now, or maybe some inspiration/insights that I lack now that I might’ve had before. Idk? I just think it’s a cool neat thing to not delete or erase, or Big Fear people will come see because it’s. It’s just there and it’s me.
BUT I do think? I should make it Good for everyone who still have access to the past works. It’s basically in my masterlist so it’s available to literally everyone who decides to check. And it’s NOT good if people get the wrong info because I lacked the knowledge and wrote it in a post, and still made the post accessible to everyone. That’s just.. irresponsible? On my part. And how I put everyone else up to it as well bc of my irresponsibility.
That’s Not Good. So I’m gonna do better to scan through past works and hash it out bit by bit, it’ll take some time but I’ll start with the one that was pointed out - and work my way to other ones as well just to check if they’re ok or not ok.
For Those Who Has The Big Fear as well: 
I mentioned at the beginning, this is just me talking about what I want to do about it. I just wanted to share that experience, how I feel (Complete and Utter Shame, that was mixed with Embarrassment and Horror at myself - took me a good 3 days to Process my Feelings and came to that conclusion) -- and just y know --  I’m sure this is not just a Me Thing where you see your past stuff and you Know you’re embarrassed to talk about it. But. It’s not a bad thing. And here’s me living through it.
I think in the future - I’ll continue to be embarrassed by my lack of knowledge because I have a lot to learn. There’s plenty of people - you, me, this new person who seems to know terms you haven’t heard of before, this other person who has very formed opinions on things based on their own knowledge - who learnt things and know things.
It’s? difficult to be on top of it all the time, or know everything if you haven’t learnt about it before. So don’t be ashamed or scared that you don’t? Know everything?
When you’re beginning to learn a subject, I don’t know about others, but me and my friend have this Big Fear of saying the wrong thing or coming off too confident in something that’s Wrong and then someone coming after you/calling you out for it  -- it was a mistake, or a lack of knowledge but you can’t be faulted for that. 
How are you supposed to know something if you didn’t know? That also can’t be shamed. Maybe because we think we have to be accountable for ourselves and our lack of knowledge-- so we don’t offend someone Big who may be more knowledgeable and personally offended by just-- a person not knowing something.
I think we fear the consequences, sometimes more so than talking about it or enjoying the subject in open-ness to each others who have similar interests (there’s also an issue with inadequacy and comparison, but we’ll talk about that later see topic headers below). 
I think the idea that we could get Wrecked and Hurt, Completely Mauled Over by something or someone’s influence/ideas that is Larger than us - intimidates us at a moderately core-level into Not Addressing It (i.e. Not Taking Action/Talking). Because the repercussion seems to be... wild, and Maybe We’ll be a ScrapeGoat of an Unfortunate Event and Thats Not Cool At All Yikes. 
Addressing All The Fears (a Bundle Around This Big Fear Context) 
I’ve talked about it before, like way back earlier in the days. But I’ve always had a Big Fear of this. That’s part of why I get so intimidated when someone I like/look up to follow me?
There’s always the tiny nagging suspicion and doubt underneath my anxiety regarding this topic - like I’m unsure whether they’re going to see how I talk, what I say, what I’m providing for others and cast judgement that it isn’t good enough - like maybe I’m wrong about something and I’ll have to live with it (unreasonable but still, a Fear) and they can See that and Know i’m wrong. That’s a big Shame and Embarrassed feeling for me (i.e. making a fool of myself, which is?? essentially what this is on)
I think throughout my time here... I’ve begun to slowly mend my ideas about that fear. Part of it is because I’ve learnt more, I’m more active in using my skill-sets.
It’s because I have this blog - that I decided I’m going to start it, and it’ll keep me active in learning that I got to build up my skill-set and kept myself in-check from there. I got to interact with different topics and themes, double-check my own understanding of topics/subjects, sure I don’t know anything and everything. All of this is just what I’ve learnt, and me actively learning as I go - and while it was -- Big Fear and Unstable Ground for a while, eventually I learnt to rely more on -- the support system and people who do appreciate you, like you, what they talk about with you. 
You learn to appreciate the systems around you - the ones who interact and likes or ask and talk about stuff. The Fear and Responsibilities gets less and less fearful, because I’ve built trust in others - and it’s a reality check: that not all that’s in my head is good for me. Not even myself and my own thought is as good to me as the reality you live/have around you sometimes. And thats -- a fortunate thing, that’s something to not be taken for granted, and something I have to be thankful for. It directly addresses possible issues I didn’t know I had -- about how much this was weighing on me, by relieving me from it bit by bit as well. 
And that’s what I should note on, because even just a solitary ‘like’ on a social media site-- when you’re scared or unsure of whether you’ve made a right call -- is enough of a support for you to rest a little easier, knowing someone else got what you intended and support you morally as well. 
Standards and Logic: Ideals
I still get Big Fear because of my own ideals - like sometimes I have a mean voice? That just goes ‘you’re an astrology blog - your core/most basic requirement is to KNOW basic facts about astrology’ and then it goes ‘you NOT knowing something about the subject -- something basic, and STILL getting it wrong is absolutely irredeemable’ 
You know what’s the worst part about the mean voice? It’s because it’s my brain, it’s how I reason and logic. This is how I hold my own standards and ideals, and no matter how kind I am to others, my own core self isn’t kind to myself. Fundamentally --- since I couldn’t resolve it, I believe it’s my standard and is underlying in how I treat others too (even if I actively work to Not Let That Happen or Be True, it’s still a part of me).
I don’t want to treat others like that. That’s the scariest part. Part of the reason why it’s so hard - is because we see reason why our mean voice makes sense. To me, that’s objectively the ideal and standard. I already gave it my consent and agreement by understanding it’s logic - and now I fear it.
A part of me just going through this - is confronting this standard issue and my ideals. I think -- all of us who have Big Fear in some ways, understands the logic in just being Good at what you start out to do. Fundamentally, objectively. It kinda makes sense that if you’re going to write about biochem - you should get it right so you don’t fuck up about it. 
But I think you all can tell now - reading it in third person - how you’re allowed to make mistakes? If you’re willing to say that to someone else and understand that-- even if you write about biochem, but you might’ve missed a few marks because you got the answer wrong--- it doesn’t mean you’ve completely jeopardize the subject itself and everyone who’s a master at it. You’ve just made a mistake. And everyone - realistically - realizes how little it matters when you admit or realize you’ve made a whoopsie.
Making Mistakes - Accepting Being Wrong To Not Become an Asshole
A mistake is a mistake, it’s a human error. People fuck up sometimes, but -- we learn from our mistakes. 
It’s just a matter of accepting it in the first place? Being able to accept the mistake is what differentiate being an asshole to actually not letting it hinder you and moving on. 
I think -- just in my case -- I can see why it’s easy to cling on. If you only have your skill-sets to hold onto to, it’s hard to accept any other form of opinions or ideas that challenges it. I think that’s -- ego -- but also defense/offensive action. 
Not -- ‘im offended’ but more like, a tactical offense. I’ve seen people who manipulate others because they only have their skill-sets. Making the audience sway in their narrative and perspectives because they say it’s the ‘truth’ and that they’re knowledgeable or have experiences. I don’t necessarily agree with what they do, but that’s -- not on me, and I don’t care because that’s not something I?? feel comfortable addressing. 
I offered this brief example - because it’s the opposite of ‘well I don’t feel adequate about my knowledge, maybe I shouldn’t say something because I don’t have anything to offer?’ - here’s an example of someone who has knowledge, and is saying something. But is perhaps doing it in a way that isn’t... ideal as well. 
So if you think about the alternative: Which would you rather be? 
We just gotta know how to deal with it and address all the different elements to it as we can (what we’ve touched on earlier: own voice, judgement from others, concrete-starting something and self-expectations, fearful of expectations, not accepting being wrong or making mistakes as an OK thing to do, and how to deal with it kinda)
  Future Embarrassment (Continuous habit of being Embarrassed and Feeling Inadequate About your Skill-sets/Knowledge)
I’ve always thought about this - like how do I stop myself from being embarrassed and ashamed when I can’t fault myself for not knowing before - the only solution I can find for myself is just to do good.
Not suddenly go research and be on top of it with information + overloading myself like That kind of Good-good (‘im good at what I do’ -- not that type of good, confidence in skills doesn’t cover up insecurities and fear, but you can be confident in other areas you can shine light on better about yourself!) 
Do good to me is to chew what I can, say when I can’t, have good intentions and offer the things you CAN give. If it’s insight, clarifications, open-opinions - most people who are coming to you and asking for you are people who appreciates intentions. Just as you expect the same back.
The most consistent thing I’ve ever done is to just be in the mindset of wanting to be good and pushing myself to be good. I’m not saying I’m like -- 100% whole-heartedly a Good Person. But if I just focus on my intent, how it underlines everything, keeping things clear with that intention in mind. As long as I aspire to be good to others, there’s not much else anyone can say to harm me or my motives I think.
Maybe I’m not that good in terms of skill-sets, but more in terms of wanting to do objectively the best that I can, and wanting the best for others. That’s the two things I keep in my mind and goals; in your own heart. Regardless of everything - these two things will keep you going if you truly want and work towards it.
Comparison to others/Inadequacy 
I think that to others - maybe other people who have the same goal in mind; maybe same heart, maybe this would mean to do what they can and perhaps they are capable of achieving skill-sets, overcoming insecurities with knowledge and Not Feel Overwhelmed. 
But I know that’s not for me? Not how I work or the best I can offer - of course I attempt it too and yeah it works sometimes, but my constant and my ideas haven’t been about being right or correct whenever I post or say something (although I strive to try and do it right, as much as I can) -- it’s always been about realistically - what can I do, what can I give that’s 100% me and what’s needed/capable of doing?  
It’s hard because there’s also -- ideals about what IS the best solution. Like when presented with the same problems, same ask. You have two different people who share the same ideals and thoughts - both agreeing that the best way is to do it ‘like this’ - but one does it better and the other watches it knowing they couldn’t have executed it as flawlessly. 
And maybe you’re the other - but that, doesn’t make it any less obvious when you see it in third-person that the other person has their own gift and methods that is just as valuable as the one who did the good execution. They provide and support one another, just have to find their wings and respect, appreciate and cherish (lift up) one another’s skill-sets and capabilities as well.
It’s hard to apply it back to yourself -- that your thoughts, words and knowledge is valuable to anyone or that it’s Not lacking in some ways. What you see of yourself - there’s others who sees it in a more tender way than you do. What you can control, and what you can do best, is to not expect yourself to be unrealistic - but expect to be realistic about what you can provide, if all else fails, anyways. 
Stick to your guns - I’m basically just trying to say that. The feeling of inadequacy (that’s literally the core of it, underneath the shame) is fine -- and yeah. I don’t have? I’ve written alot but I hope this comes through well. 
I’m working through it but I hope, this helps a little. If you’ve read it at all. It’s long and rambly, but I hope this -- helps? Anyone else? Or just myself who’s working through it. But -- I hope this gives strength or support to anyone who needs it. Thanks for reading if you’ve read!!!
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surejo · 5 years ago
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( victoria pedretti, cis woman ) hey ! have you seen JOSEPHINE “JO” CORMAC around ? SHE works at the HOT COCOA STAND at big bear resort, but they must be off their shift by now. well, if you do see them can you let me know ? they’re 24 years old & they’ve been working here for TWO YEARS. they tend to be +OPTIMISTIC & +EMPATHETIC, but can also be -IMPRACTICAL & -PASSIVE. the other employees have labeled them THE IDEALIST. thanks a lot ! ( the few nights the stars can be seen, books worn down by dog-ears and marks left throughout the years, the first crisp breeze of autumn, the duality… of t.s. eliot ) 
OK. a few notes before i get started:
1) i hope everyone loves how i literally j copied my ivan stuff. url format? ‘sure jan’ lives on. theme? too lazy to find a different one that’s easy to work with. luv that for me. 2) speaking of this theme i forget if i addressed this on ivan’s blog but tabbed bullets don’t appear tabbed.... so if anything seems like it doesn’t make total sense.... it is supposed to be tabbed™. 3) get ready for drama!!!!! you may ask yourself “but the app looks so tame! there will be no drama!” but you are wrong........ because she loves cats. the t.s. eliot book......... the musical........ even the movie.
ok jo,, is also a resurrected character,,, hence how i already kno,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, that she loves cats. anyway ! let’s begin ! (listen,,,, the intro format will at least be a little different from ivan’s ok im evolving)
QUICK FACTS:
full name: josephine “jo” rose cormac
date of birth: march 6, 1995
*does not perfectly reflect the below big three zodiac chart because that’s too much math
zodiac big three: pisces sun, gemini moon, cancer rising
gender & pronouns: cis woman & she/her
sexual orientation: bisexual ( preference for women bc we luv that for her but we also luv leaving things open to chemistry )
education: bachelor in english - literature that she is doing nothing with
enneagram: 2w1
mbti: infp
various inspirations: eleanor crain ( the haunting of hill house ), dolores price *as a child and towards the end of the book ( she’s come undone ), fox 8 ( fox 8: a story ), “why try to change me now?” - fiona apple (cover), “be still” - the killers
BACKGROUND INFO:
triggers: verbal/mental/emotional abuse/gaslighting, very slight implication of spousal abuse, brief mention of car accident/death & drowning
( ivan and jo’s breakout pop-punk single: “fuck happy backstories!” stream it on spotify ! )
jo......... was born into the wrong family, let’s get that out of the way.
it was pretty clear she was a ploy to save the marriage of her parents ( who have names: lucy and benjamin, luv that for them ). it didn’t seem like they’d ever picked up a parenting book, gone to a parenting class, rly prepped for being a parent at all...... in their entire lives.
that being said, her mom was actually decent at parenting. her major flaw, though? ok, so you know how kids usually have that one bedtime story that they love and want it to be read to them over and over? well lucy complied ! but y’all wanna know what that book was ?
t.s. eliot’s “old possum’s book of practical cats” whfeiuldjkn
anyway ! when jo was seven, after many failed attempts and simple threats, her mom was finally divorcing benjamin for realz. due to his volatile nature, it was becoming very clear that she was the more fit parent and she almost got sole custody ( the only reason benjamin was motivated for it in the first place was the power so?? )! how exciting!
but the keyword is ‘almost’!
alexa, play ‘my heart will go on’ but the off-tune flute version
just as the proceedings were going through, jo’s mother was hit by a drunk driver on new year’s eve. the car skidded onto some ice, minimal damage done... then the ice broke.
jo and benjamin both devolved after that. jo withdrew more into herself and pretty much coped by..... just reading old possum’s a LOT (hate that for her). all mopey, benjamin became much less outwardly violent. the keyword is ‘outwardly.’
ya, instead of j bein like “i will just chill” he was like “i will just make my rage more subtle because in this house, we love intimidation, manipulation, hostility, the blame game, and gaslighting! uwu” managed to convince jo that her mother’s death was somehow her fault, that he was the only person she could trust, that she will never be able to live without someone else, etc., etc.
a few years in and a cycle of many impromptu sleepovers began. luv that for her. hate that for her, but luv that for her. 
there is a lot i cld talk abt here, but it all seems like it cld j be tl;dr’d as: “basically became the surrogate daughter of a bunch of other people”
as for things that r not tragique™, jo was v much a drifter when it came to friends. managed to make a fair amount bc she does not seem like she will put a tadpole in ur hand like ivan. also j a people-pleaser but that’s starting to get into her personality which is another section.
did go to college. luv that for her. has NO CLUE what she’s going to do with her degree, but she can make some really sick niche william faulkner jokes. 
began seasonally working at big bear during the winter break of her last year in college because bitch needed some money!! wound up loving it and was like “i think,,,, i will continue to do this,,,, the people here,,,, r cul,,,,”
still visits benjamin every once in a while. not a way to say that uwu you should forgive ur abusive parent(s) uwu rather that jo.... still has slight belief in him. just to end on something emo.
THE REST IS HISTORY!!!!
TL;DR:
started life out as a saddie, not a baddie. still not a baddie, but no longer as much of a saddie. loves “cats” and there is no irony to that statement. can make good niche literary jokes, but that’s about it.
PERSONALITY/MISCELLANEOUS INFO:
a child. a literal child. a child to the point that she should have supervision when she goes on grocery trips because she falls for marketing ploys so easily. can’t believe she hasn’t fallen into a pyramid scheme yet.
an absolute dumbass. again, can make some great niche william faulkner jokes, but ask her the order of the planets? “...well mars is somewhere in there.”
unironically LOVES cats - both the musical and movie. thinks jennifer hudson’s grizabella is the best. will start sharing random facts about it or old possum’s book of practical cats if she runs out of things to talk about but feels pressured to keep talking. was broken when she first read a different t.s. eliot poem and realized he was actually super dark. the only thing that got her through it was a comparison to batman :\ bruce wayne is old possum’s, batman is everything else.
to take a brief break from fun personality facts, v down on herself bc benjamin’s words rly!! stuck with her!! convinced she is an absolute idiot and does not trust her own memory. v indecisive bc of this and always longs for someone to help her figure things out. tries to distance herself from memories of her mother because, again, benjamin got to her. her love of cats doesn’t help that, but... can you believe that’s her coping mechanism? makes up for it by giving all of her love 2 everyone else!! we love tragedy!! and needing to go to therapy!!
secretly knows her love of cats is weird and dumb. a part of her knows why it’s considered one of the worst musicals ever. but LISTEN. we luv rly weird coping mechanisms!
big dreamer. will develop the most impractical goals. she usually knows they are impractical, but still..... uwu
has decided everyone is good until proven bad! except for,,,, like,,, murderers and rapists,,,,
is #StraightEdge for the most part,,,, literally has a drink maybe three times per year
says “like” a whole lot for someone who majored in english with a concentration in literature and should therefore be more eloquent.
i am not great at these sections!! feel free 2 j refer to her zodiac, personality tests, and character influences!!
literally fox 8. i put the others there bc she’s similar but wow,,,, if u read fox 8 (it’s a short story i recommend it i luv george saunders u can find a pdf online),,,, she is fox 8. 
here u go here is a sample that doesnt need context: "Fox 4 woslike: No ofense, Fox 8? Your ideas are not super praktikal. Dreem, dreem, dreem, said Fox 11. Fox 41 woslike: Fox 8, does this honestly never get old for you?"
OH ALSO. she has a slet. a cat,,,,, named asparagus,,,, whom she calls “gus”,,,,, and y’all know WHY.
recent development: has downloaded tor so she can get on the dark web. why? because she thinks there will be more funny animal videos on there. is shockingly good at navigating it.
CONNECTION IDEAS:
close friends bc we luv that –– roman (nuanced), aylie (nuanced), hazel (nuanced), cleo (nuanced), vic (nuanced), marco (nuanced)
childhood friends whom she possibly had impromptu sleepovers with bc that is v soft and,,,,, y’all i left the city blank for a reason. –– hazel, marco, 
on that note, the person who was like “wait,,,,,,, u know that book was turned into a musical right,,,,,, like,,,,, a musical literally everyone knows” and shook jo’s world
good influence / bad influence –– cleo, vic, 
~*confidant*~
roommate
exes –– ian,
reciprocated pining
unreciprocated pining
someone..... who has accepted..... that she likes cats.... in a way that is not ironic. will see the movie with her. –– aylie, 
an enemy,,,,,, aka this person was like “cats is literally the worst thing in the entire world” and now they r on jo’s very short hit list –– riley
idk!!! im also obvs up for brainstorming!!! luv that!!!
** descriptive connections page is here ( only people who i’m messaging are on it, but i ?? would love to plot w everyone ?? so don’t make the short list make u think i’m trying 2 limit it 2 these ppl auhfoeidla )
LIKE THIS OR HMU TO PLOT !
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wavemaker9 · 6 years ago
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/Someone/ asked for audrey/austin kink list so yeah, let’s talk about all the kids, yeah? I think for this i’ll cover the same kinks for everyone and just explain if they’re into it or not. Also I’ll be talking more about the guys but list any differences for the girls as they come up
Kyle:
Somewhat vanilla but can easily be led into some more kinky things depending on what. He’s verse with a top preference. He enjoys topping more but is willing to bottom if desired, though I think is a little more chill with bottoming for guys than girls because. Y’know, kyle brown and his lowkey sexism. Also has a more dominant than submissive pref, and is less okay with playing sub to someone. Can be convinced to, but he doesn’t like it as much, and even when he does it, he’s not really so much submissive as just /not/ dominant. Has to really like/trust a person to play any sort of actual submissive role and even when doing it, li ke. He’ll never get to diego levels. No one can get to diego levels. 
Knife/blood play - In human verse, he’ll often try it out but be very ~~~ doing it and feel really bad afterwards. It’s not something he gets to enjoy, usually, he’s doing that for his partner. In Nation verse, he’s a little more okay with it if his partner is also a nation since he knows they’ll come back. I think he’d be more worried doing it to a human if they asked though because he’d worry he’d fuck up and overstep because of the difference in what their bodies can go through. 
There’s a running thing lingering from the days in prev rp group where kyle was dating a yao where like. A lot of people in the group kept just assuming, either based on old headcanons, prev australias they’d interacted, or whatever, that he had a pain kink. And i’ve brought that up of that commonly being a thing that he gets mistaken for having a lot. It’s something i think was also brought up as true for mel of being mistaken as it being a kink thing? That seeking out pain as a coping mechanism isn’t the same thing as seeking it out for sexual pleasure and that it frustrates him a lot when people assume the second is true just because the first is. Because pain during sex often isn’t a turn on and usually is either a hard turn off he won’t even try or something he’s only willing to do to make his partner happy. The difference being that part of the reason he’s putting himself into those situations is like. A mix of giving him more control over his life. That’s not all the reason, but it’s a factor for sure, and so if you suddenly have someone else causing that pain instead, especially in a situation where there’s a vulnerability to a point, it has a one two punch of taking that control he needs away from him as well as putting him back in a situation of someone /else/ hurting him, which i brought up in diego’s post makes him uneasy at best because he /grew up/ dealing with that. That’s /why/ he needs his coping mechanisms in the first place. Like again, he’s more willing to roll with being hurt by someone he trusts, by someone who eases him into it and is careful and attentive and checks with him regularly and does their best to help keep him calm and happy too. But just average people like oh you hurt yourself all the time, you must have a pain kink, haha. It makes him almost unreasonably mad? He tries to be such a chill boy but that always sets him off. 
Also sometimes it’s not even a coping mechanism? He’s got pretty good luck but sometimes he /did/ just have an accident and he didn’t mean to hurt himself. That’s part of why when he was growing up, it was harder to confirm if he really was in a physically abusive home for a lot of people, because kyle was full of energy and didn’t think things through and would just do things because they seemed exciting and not think about the danger and then get hurt. There was plenty of proof that a lot of the injuries he got /were/ his own doing from just being too much of a rambunctious kid. At school or sporting events or play dates or parties or parks or etc etc etc, there were plenty of times people /saw/ kyle hurt himself. And usually it was minor but sometimes the whole class sees kyle try to climb on top of the slide in the school playground and fall off and break his arm and they know yeah no no one did that to him that was just an accident. And like. He never blamed summer for anything when he was younger, mainly because if she /did/ punish him with anything, she always blamed it to him on something he did. He misbehaved in some way and /that’s/ why he deserves this. Because she really was sweet most of the time to him when he behaved. Sometimes there was a general bitterness, especially after the divorce in any AU which always tends to make things worse for kyle, but most of the time he only dealt with her worse shit when he did something against what /she/ wanted, which to her, was misbehaving. And it wasn’t until his late teens that he started to really separate “me doing a stunt and hurting myself” blame vs “someone said i did something wrong and so hurt me” blame. Every injury he got as a kid/young teen he admitted to being his fault because he thought it /was/. And I think that’s another factor of like, why pain kinks aren’t fun for him? Some small part of his brain always says, “If someone’s hurting you, it’s your fault because you’re bad” and like. ...like that really, really sucks? Ugh, this section got dark, sorry guys. 
Bondage - can be into when done to others. It’s not a specific kink he looks for, but he’ll enjoy it if his partner is into it. Another hard turn off if someone tries to do it to him. Even just holding his wrists with your hand can make him uncomfortable, though pinning him at other points like the shoulders is usually acceptable as long as he can feel/trust that there /would/ be give enough to pull free if he wanted. He has to /really/ trust a person to even consider allowing them to do it and even then he’ll be real anxious the whole time so it’s not super fun for him anyway. It factors into his claustrophobia, he just feels so uncomfortable being restrained.
Breath play - another he can be ~ to okay with when done to others, but has to be eased into by someone he trusts if they want to try it on him and can make him /exceptionally/ anxious if not just panicking him into having to stop early. It’s similar to the bondage where you have to restrict him by holding onto his throat in some way to do it so it makes him ~~~ about at best. 
edging/orgasm control/etc etc etc - he’s not super into for himself but often loves it for others. Bit of a power trip, having that control over the other person + hearing the noises they make in growing desperation. Same with like over stimulation, all that shit he /loves/ doing to his partner. 
Pegging - would do it for his partner but again, he always prefers to top if he can, so. If partner really wanted to top, he’d do it for them, though. He’s not against it, just goes against preferences. Sometimes he’ll surprise offer to bottom for special occasions though so very likely to happen if he knows his partner would like it. 
Power play - his fave as long as he’s the one with the power. Another one where he can be okay with playing sub rarely for someone he really likes, and then it’s still like a very basic level. He likes the feeling of the power though. A royalty roleplay thing came up a couple times between kyle and ivan during hetalr after some prompting factor (i think it was kyle winning CAH), and both were surprised by how much kyle enjoyed it and got into the role after a little bit. He likes being able to tell people what to do on shallow matters and have them look up to him as if he’s the be all. That’s prolly a fave manifestation of power play. 
praise/begging - doesn’t like to beg but likes being begged to. Loves praise whether giving or receiving. Both likes to talk about how great partner is but also. God there’s this quote mako says in counter/weight that’s part of the list of why i always put kyle in that role in that xover, what was it? Oh! This group tries to recruit mako for a job because of his skills and he’s like oh thank god i’ve been wanting to talk about how good I am at this + “Will you keep telling me that I’m doing a good job [if I work for you]?” god i can’t believe mako trig has a praise kink. I. no, yes I can. Yes i absolutely can. Anyway, yeah that’s kyle, please tell him he’s good at everything or even just at anything, he needs to hear that so desperately please.
Rough play/spanking/slapping/biting/etc - as covered, some he’s okay with doing, some he’s not. Choking can be fine as long as he doesn’t have to do it too hard (relative to durability, like with nationverse). I think he’d be more okay with spanking someone than slapping someone. Pulling their hair he can do easily, etc etc. Much less okay with a lot of the stuff being done to him, though a part of me is continuously tempted to give him a slight hair pulling kink to go along with the ahoge things from nationverse. Speaking of, i refuse to change the idea that both nationverse!kyle’s ahoge and eyebrows are sensitive. It’s too fantastically dumb of an idea, i won’t part with it. 
Biting - I don’t think most AUs have this (not that he’s /against/ it, it’s just not specifically a kink) but just a friendly reminder that hybrid au kyle is /very/ into biting but also /very/ anxious about asking his partners if it’s okay because most people don’t want shark teeth digging into their skin. Lucky for him ivan is not most people. I think kylee might be some kind of snake or lizard or something in hybrid au. Listen idk if the one she’d be would be into biting like the grey nurse shark is, but also in comparison with kyle smiling and ivan just seeing sharp jagged shark teeth like hell yeah. Kylee smiling and asya seeing sharp fangs. Oh kylee with a snake tongue! Hey, hey guys! Kylee with a snake tongue tho! Kylee doing the snake tongue dart out thing sometimes. 
Maybe lizard because if anyone should get to be a snake it’s probably Al. though i feel like he was a bison too in prev drawings. Not sure if that’d change now that all the kids are being made their own people. I guess tehy could also just both be snakes too, dif types or whatever. God okay but kylee with the scales in the cool color patterns on her skin. 
Austin:
The most vanilla. Honestly since he’s ace-spec, he doesn’t really have any kinks that he’s particularly into, it’s just whether he’d be willing to try it for partner and how. When he does have sex, more verse. He doesn’t have enough experience to either prefer or be good at either top or bottom one way or the other. It’s just kind of what his partner wouldn’t want to do. Also would be more likely to lean on the submissive side earlier on, though with more experience he could get confident enough to take on a more dominant manner if preferred. He wouldn’t be like. Aggressive or passionate, even as he got more confident. You’d have to rile him up (either getting him angry and /then/ leading into sex or just teasing him enough where he gets upset about it past being able to keep his emotions in check) or something to get a reaction like that. Even if like, asked to try by his partner, i think he might if he cared about them enough, but it’s tough for him because expressing strong emotions like that makes him feel so uncomfortable. To him it’s a sign of weakness in him, he should be /better/ than that, he should have a good check on his emotions, he tries /so/ hard to keep a good check on his emotions because he knows sometimes he can snap and lash out, and any time he can’t, it just further upsets him until he has to withdraw. Even when /trying/ to act more emotive, it still either feels like a strain and an effort if he’s faking it and pushing this thing that’s much farther than what he’s normally comfortable with, or like being too risky, encouraging negative behavior that any other time he’d stamp down in an instant. Again, would still make the effort for someone he loved if he knew it was important to them, but it would have to be a rare thing and it’d be clear to see that like after the fact he was really uneasy about it happening depending on how rough he ended up getting, and I think at that point anyone he cared about enough to try that with would be like hey i don’t want you making yourself uncomfortable with that for me (mel, i’m thinking of mel and her kink for rough aus that she’s super embarrassed about early on). I do thing there’s a middle ground, especially later game, where you can get him to be a little more pushy without edging him too far into an uncomfortable area, but you’d have to be careful. On the bright side, the more comfortable and confident he does get, the more likely you /could/ get a pretty good display when he tops of like. him doing the long build ups, slow, deep, actually catching hands to intertwine fingers. almost sensual if that's the right word; a bit of passion that way, maybe. Again, that’d also be more likely late game, though. Honestly it probably takes a while of mediocre sex to get him anywhere decent.
Knife/blood play - really not into it. Could /maybe/ be convinced to do it to a partner, but hard pass for it done to him and he’s not super comfortable doing it to partner either if he’s being honest. the whole thing is just kind of weird to him.
Bondage - could be convinced for himself or partner, though would only be okay with light bondage on himself vs anything more.
Audrey might be less okay with bondage on herself. Or rather like would be okay with less, willing to try but say austin would be tolerating of all limbs being tied up more easily than audrey would. I think it’s just part of that thing with her needing to be more independent than him, she doesn’t like to be restrained and isn’t as comfortable with it.  
Okay. listen. Because of him often being tied to vines and shit, there’s always a part of me like lol vine tentacles, but like. If he ever /did/ use vine tentacles in an AU, bondage would be a big thing to focus on doing for him.  
I know her powers are acid based instead of plant based in most cases (there’s always dc au) but @ nyo for your consideration if you haven’t already thought about it, aud using vines on mel.
Breath play - Same as knife/blood play. Maybe a little more willing to do it to partner though. It’s not quite as squicky but still not a thrill point for him. Also like. No real arm strength so that’s not as great either.
edging/orgasm control/etc etc etc - i think he’d allow it to be tried out on him if partner really wanted it but would quickly enough be like hmm not a fan. Sure, the more extreme feeling is better but the build there is quickly anywhere from uncomfortable to painful and he’s not thrilled about that. He does this so rarely and mostly for partner, so.
Pegging - again, he’s fine being the bottom, so he’d be fine with it.
Power play/praise/begging - mm, not a big pro for him if he’s expected to act super submissive. He can play the sub just from like, he’s not often as experienced as his partner so if they want to take the lead in this, good! but actually being expected to play the Sub ™ © ® is not his cup of tea and he wouldn’t enjoy it. Same with like begging he wouldn’t want to do either. Most times he’d go to a begging mentality in life it’d be to avoid danger so that’s not sexy to him and wouldn’t be fun? and i think he’d take a while to grasp a concept of someone wanting to beg for something but not be given it right away, so others begging him also isn’t perfect. Praise is the most well received, with his ego, he loves being told he did well because he does strive to do well and he likes that confirmed. Wouldn’t want it over the top, “you did such a good job, i’m so proud of you”, like, idk that’d be a little ~ to him, i think it’s just too much for him. But something simple like a short “Very good job” or something he could enjoy. Praising others he’d be willing to do but it’s also austin so he’d probably need some practice working out how to praise in a way that sounds good .
Rough play/spanking/slapping/biting/etc - i think it’s just generally a no. again, could be convinced to give it a try, but all of that is a little ~ to him. Either he doesn’t want it done to him or it’s got a bad/weird connotation for him doing it or it’s just, idk, weird to him. Like he could try spanking but a part of him is going to react to it weird, it’d take getting used to before anything like that could be seen as sexy to him and he doesn’t want to have to get used to it first.
Toni:
Most kinky outside of diego and rosa (though i think carmen’s more kinky than toni just because she lets herself indulge in that more frequently). Preference is a more dominant top, but can be a sexual chameleon since he cares more about making his partner happy. Like truly, his fave thing is just focussing on his partner during foreplay to the point of near overwhelming them with pleasure. It’s a combination of knowing he has that low level control over their pleasure, showing how he’s so fucking good at yet another thing, and just getting to see someone he cares about unraveling from how good they feel especially because of him.
knife/Blood play - The classic. His favorite kink but also the one he’s def shamed by the most. Very rarely gets to indulge in it so it’s always a treat when he can, even if he feels bad about it later. i think carmen has it too but to a lesser extent maybe (though her probably being less embarrassed by it).
Bondage - would also be into on others. Less thrilled about it on himself, especially in nationverse AU, but he’d be more willing to with certain partners than others. On others, it just makes the aforementioned overwhelming the other that much easier. Even without actual bondage, i think that’s something he tends to. If he’s going down on someone, he’ll love to hold their hips in place and keep them there so they’re just left to deal with it when he actually starts to work on it. It’s a control thing.
Breath play - Would be more into it with the right partner (Ivan, Gil, maybe Arthur). It’s not something he’s as into when on the receiving end, but again, with the right partner, it can still work, he’d just much rather be the one on the choking side versus choked. With that right partner group, would be more okay with just letting it come up naturally in the moment whereas with others who he’s less experienced with them being into pain/etc, he’d need to be expressly asked and would check with them more frequently, and probably go a little easier on them, too. Could be convinced not to go easy on someone if they made it clear they could handle it/would let him know if they couldn’t, though.
edging/orgasm control/etc etc etc - he would enjoy doing that to someone a lot, like I said, he likes to do things that combine being exceptional, pleasing his partner, and having a bit of control over them, and this would tick all those boxes immediately. Favorite of this category would probably be getting multiple/dry orgasms out of his partner from overwhelming them. The writhing & squirming, the loud moans and screams, the fingers or nails digging into his arms or back or hair. It’s a good aesthetic he loves to see.
Pegging - similar to aus, would be fine with it to the same level that he would be bottoming for a guy, not a real difference to him either.
Power play/praise/begging - Similar to the blood one, he can be a bit more wary of indulging in this one because he knows he has a bad habit of letting his overconfidence get away from him when he’s not careful, but honestly, he loves power play shit? Maybe more than kyle? Probably more than kyle. He’s not particularly affected by a praise kink to him, he already knows he’s great, thanks for just confirming he guesses? He’s probably very good at it to others, though; usually knows just what to say on how well they’re doing, how he’s so in awe of them, how amazing they’re proving themself to be in this moment just like every other one, etc etc etc. He’ll beg in the moment if it’s part of the atmosphere but prefers to be begged to. There’s really little he could not /love/ about power play as long as he’s the one with the power, though again, can roll with the other having power instead.
Carmen is less good at praise kink towards others and it has no effect on her, how fucking dare you assume your compliments mean anything to her when she already feels you should be honored to sleep with her??? She also would /really/ have to be smitten with someone to try begging with them if she were the one doing it, but is as into the other person begging/her being in the position of power as toni, maybe more. Also doesn’t try to hide interest in this like toni might. Even more so than diego sometimes, you couldn’t kink shame her if you tried. Like I made a chart comparing passion vs confidence for the kids and carmen was the only one with a full score on either and it was on both. She’s basically Final Pam. Confidence 10, Drive 10, and the other two points we can throw right away. next time you invite carmen
Rough play/spanking/slapping/biting/etc - I’m. upset. By the fact that I think toni would enjoy spanking someone? I think he has to though. I think he has to be about spanking someone compared to diego who definitely is cool with being spanked, that tracks too much for their characters. Mm, :\. Yes though, uh, same as like choking/knife play, doesn’t like to be as open about enjoying it, will indulge more fully with some people while take it easy unless specifically prompted not to with others, etc etc etc. I don’t think he’s as in to slapping either way and probably not as into being spanked which I’m sure feels like a shame to at least some of the people he sleeps with given dat ass, though he’d be willing to try it out if partner was really into spanking. Biting would be good both ways, same with other shit like scratching, pulling hair, pushing around, etc. Again, wouldn’t be as open about this and would go easier on most people even if it did come out, but it’s another indulgence kink for him for sure.
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jaeheekangisimportant · 7 years ago
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what's your top six of the routes and why? :o
Okay this is going under a read more cause it’s surprisingly long sorry I kind of went off more then I planned to.
Also, I discuss sexual misconduct and assault toward the end of this, it’s not too detailed but I did want to give people some warning just in case
1. Yoosung – It was my first route so it’s always been a bitspecial to me, but even putting that aside I just really like his route. I knowa lot of people fixate on the whole “just like Rika” thing and take issue withit but honestly, I could never bring myself to care about it that much. Like,no I didn’t exactly like being compared to his dead cousin, but I didn’t getangry or annoyed at Yoosung for it. I understood that it was coming from aplace of grief. He was in a deep depression because of Rika’s supposed deathand he never got the closure he needed for it, and no one else seemed to betaking him or his feelings seriously. It’s not surprising that he would clingto the first person (MC) who showed genuine interest in him and try to findwhat he lost (Rika) in her. It’s not right for him to do that, of course, but Icould understand and empathize and so I was willing to be patient. And it’s notlike he does it the whole route anyway, he stops the Rika comparisons within afew days, and from them on he sees MC as her own person and likes her for whoshe is, though he’s of course still dealing with his grief. I thought it waswell-written, honestly. I guess I can understand not wanting a romance thatfocuses so much on your love interest grieving someone else but… yeah I justcouldn’t be bothered by it in the same way everyone else seemed to be. I lovedYoosung’s character development and I enjoyed every minute of it. Plus, sinceit was my first route and I knew absolute nothing going into this game,everything was genuinely surprising and fresh and felt real to me, a feeling Islowly lost as I did more routes. Plus, Yoosung’s endings are the best?His good ending is so beautiful and his normal ending is just super cute. Andhis bad endings… well they certainly live up to being bad endings lmao. They were interesting at least and they got astrong emotional response out of me so, that’s saying something at least.
2. Jumin – Okay so everyone seems to have pretty strongopinions about Jumin’s route one way or the other. For the people who are onthe side of not liking it, let me just say… I get it. Really, I do. I also kindof, um, don’t care? Okay that sounds bad just hold on. I’m not reallyinterested in writing out a big defense of why Jumin’s route isn’t Problematicbecause for one thing, plenty of people have done that already and for anotherthing, I don’t necessarily disagree with the people who don’t like Jumin’sroute. I get where they’re coming from, parts of his route are veryuncomfortable. I don’t think he’s as bad as certain people make him out to be,but he undeniably crosses the line at some points of his route, and I candefinitely understand not liking it because of that. As for why I like it, well, part of it again camedown to how much I empathized with Jumin, which was a lot. Much like Yoosung,no one else in the game seems to take Jumin very seriously. They write him offas unfeeling and no one really tries to understand or sympathize with him. So,I got why Jumin acted out the way he did in his route, though of courseunderstanding is not the same thing as excusing. But the other thing is… I thinkhis route is wildly entertaining. It was the only one, aside from Yoosung’s,where I genuinely had no idea where it was going. Jaehee’s route, thoughenjoyable, was easy for me to predict, as was Zen’s route. And Seven’s route Igot spoiled for long before I even got to it. I liked that Jumin’s route was sounpredictable to me, it made it really fun to go through, and I thought Juminwas a really interesting character and I liked getting into his head and learningmore about him. It was still fun to play even after the first time. So, since Iliked Jumin’s route so much purely for the entertainment factor of it, it waseasy for me to forgive the more “wtf” parts of it. And listen guys, Jumin mademe strawberry pancakes and read me to sleep, why would I ever want to leave hishouse to begin with?? (Also, fun fact: it was Jumin’s route that made merealize Jaehee was my favorite character.)
3. Jaehee – I’ve already talked a lot about her route here, andhow I don’t like the ambiguity of it and the weird pseudo-romance between herand Zen that only serves to placate the people who don’t want Jaehee/MCromance. It breaks my heart that my favorite character in the game and of alltime is only my third favorite route, but I mean, her route is still good and Istill enjoyed it a lot. It’s just unfortunate that I don’t love it quite asmuch as I love her. But enough negatives. In general, I don’t see a lot ofsimilarities between myself and Jaehee, but what she said about how she holdsherself back from being happy because she’s afraid of it disappearing? Boy thathit me hard. I really loved Jaehee’sgrowth throughout her route, seeing her realize her own worth and that it’sokay to take risks sometimes and she doesn’t always have to play it safe,seeing her find a true place in the RFA and in the world, it was all sobeautiful! I think Jaehee’s route is interesting in how it deals withloneliness and self-worth, and plus Jaehee herself is just so cute?? The textsshe sends and the responses you can give are just so adorable I love how muchJaehee opens up she really is so charming and fun. So yeah very solid route, Ijust wish certain things had been handleddifferently but y’all know that already I don’t need to go into it again.
4. Seven – Uuuuh boy. Hm. I’m not a huge fan of Seven’sroute. Particularly, I don’t care for the actual romance in Seven’s route.Which is kind of a big deal. But I’ll get to that. A lot of the “reveals” inSeven’s route were spoiled for me back when I was still only on my second route,so there were very few surprises when I actually got to Seven’s. To befair, a lot of these things I probably would have guessed myself anyway becausethe hints aren’t exactly subtle, but I didn’t even get the satisfaction ofwatching my guesses be proven correct myself because I didn’t get to make thoseguesses at all, I was spoiled too early. My fault for following a lot of MMblogs so early on in my playing, but still annoying. Not everythingwas spoiled for me at least, there was still a lot I didn’t know about Sevenand Saeran’s past and that was interesting to learn about. I also loved that littlesubplot in Seven’s route with Yoosung and Jumin lmao. As I’ve said tho, theweakest part of Seven’s route for me was the romance with him. I didn’t likehow mean he is to MC, and I had a difficult time placing myself in MC’s shoesbecause I couldn’t find any reason that I would want to keep pursuing someonewho was treating me and acting the way Seven was, so I felt really disconnectedfrom the whole thing. Probably super hypocritical of me to take issue with theway Seven treated MC when I didn’t take issue with the way Jumin treated her,but I simply wasn’t as invested in romancing Seven. I always seem to have that problemwith Seven. Even in his Christmas route and even in his Valentine’s afterending, I just… didn’t care. Like, they were objectively cute, and I swear I actuallylike Seven, but somehow when it comes to romance with him I disengage almostentirely. So idk man, maybe I only like Seven as a friend?? It’s weird. Sevenis such a strange character for me for a lot of reasons I won’t go into but thepoint is, since a lot of the mystery around Seven was ruined for me early on,his route didn’t hold as much interest for me as it should have, and the factthat I wasn’t invested in the romance part of it didn’t help. I don’t hate hisroute or anything, but I have a hard time saying I like it.
5. Zen – I don’t like Zen so there was very little chance of meliking his route anyway. Even if that wasn’t the case, tho, it stillwould have ranked very low because of the whole Echo Girl thing. I just… reallydon’t like stories that are like “girl ruins guy’s life with false sexualmisconduct accusations” because it pretty much never happens like that in reallife and it only perpetuates the idea that victims of assault and harassmentare lying and dramatic, and that makes it more difficult for people to come forward when ithappens to them. Zen’s route makes a big thing out of Echo Girl accusing him “withoutproof”, and of course we know that she was in fact lying, but the way it’spresented it’s like… look, I’m always going to be inclined to believe thevictim, with or without proof, because the consequences of me believing themand being proven wrong will do far less damage than if I didn’t believe them,and they were telling the truth. It’s not immoral for people to have believedEcho Girl’s story even if she didn’t have “proof” (which, what would that looklike anyway?). Also the way they disprove her claims is pretty gross too,because they disprove it by showing that Echo Girl was attracted to Zen and saidthings about wanting to have sex with him before the alleged incident, sotherefore she must be lying. That’s not how that fucking works. And again, weknow that Echo Girl was lying, and that she was in fact the one harassing him, but think about what this is implying. Thatbecause Echo Girl is attracted to Zen, he couldn’t have assaulted her? Thatbecause she said before that she would like to have sex with him, she couldn’t possibly have changed her mind and therefore he couldn’t have assaultedher? That because she expressed interest in him, it’s impossible that anyadvances he made could have been inappropriate and therefore he couldn’t haveassaulted her? Echo Girl being attracted to Zen has absolutely nothing to dowith whether or not she could have been harassed or assaulted by him! Saying that herinterest in him is enough to disprove her claims is really gross! It doesn’tmatter that they were false, the implications of all this is still bad! Theycould have and should have handled all of this differently, the route wouldhave been better off for it, but the way it’s written is just so bad and perpetuatesall kinds of awful ideas.
6. V – ahaha ahhsha alskd I’ve already said enough about V andhis route I don’t think I need to say more
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lesbian-ed · 7 years ago
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🌸Hi, a few years ago when I was 16 (19 now)I was forced out to my friends by this homophobic girl, and I came out as bi (still in the closet to my family), I'm no longer friends with any of them, but I can't figure out what label I should have, I really want to just know who I am. I said to them I was bi, but I've never felt right with that label. I read about comp het and it makes so much sense to me, but I still don't know. 1/5
🌸I feel, like, attracted to male celebs, but only when they’re in films or tv, and watching interviews of them ruins it?, and whenever I’m around guys I get these thoughts I can’t control about kissing them and sleeping with them and I feel rlly self conscious, I said this to a friend who said it’s a crush, but I get it with people I don’t like at all 2/?
🌸 And sometimes I have a phase where I feel like I could date a guy and marry him and have kids and be happy but it feels like I’m imagining a perfect version of me that actually im not like at all? And as well I can only imagine myself with a young guy, once I think about a 30 yr old or older I don’t want it anymore, but the perfect fantasy seems so appealing idk 3/?
🌸I feel different about girls but I don’t know I’m catholic and I feel like it’s always been other people are gay and that’s ok but not me? And I don’t know whether I feel no attraction to girls or I’m pushing it down bc when I see girls kiss on tv I literally have started crying and I saw a lesbian couple in public once and I got butterflies and also Ive found myself changing pronouns in songs in my head without realising but I’ve never had close to a crush on anyone especially not a girl 4/5
🌸Ive never even met a gay girl except for one pan girl at school but she was really weird and rude so I don’t know what it’s supposed to be like to like someone? writing this all down it makes it sound like I’m definitely a lesbian but that scares me so much bc ill never have a normal life and I can’t shake this feeling that actually I do want to be with a guy but I’m trying to be interesting or I’m faking this or something. Pls tell me your thoughts on this 5/5
Oh, anon. This literally all feels as if my younger self came into my ask box just now to ask for advice. 
I understand your pain, I really do, I went through so many of the same thought processes you’re describing now. It’s good that you’re aware of compulsory heterosexuality, since I believe that will make sorting your feelings easier. Still, I recommend you look through our tag (if you haven’t already) to read more thoughts on this. It’ll help. 
I obviously can’t tell you what your sexuality is for you, that’s your own journey to make, but this sounds so much like my own experience that I’m pretty sure what the answer is already.
Anon, let me tell you a story, I went to a catholic school and while my parents are pretty liberal and not that religious (in fact, my dad’s an atheist) I was also raised with the idea that ok, there were gay people out there, and I didn’t care what other people did with their lives! But honestly that was kind of weird and I couldn’t be like them, because they weren’t normal, like I should be. I was bullied a lot as a kid, because I was weird and ugly and way too shy and easy to pick on, so I grew up with this idea that whatever else happened, I had to stop being like that, I had to be beautiful and normal and acceptable. And that of course included a perfect fantasy of marrying the man of my dreams after he fell in love with men when I suddenly grew up to be the most beautiful woman there was, and having kids, and holding down a successful job that I was happy doing and having lots of money and well, just having the most perfect life. How could I not want that? Ever since I was old enough to walk, society fed me the idea that this was my ideal endgame, how could we ALL not dream about that at some point? 
I used to be obsessed with those stories where the “ugly” girl suddenly turns beautiful and the Nice Perfect Popular Boy finally notices her and they get together, those stories were my dream life. As a kid and young teen I’d fantasize about them constantly, I’d make up characters that would always end up fulfilling those same tropes. It was the way to prove to all those who ever called me ugly or belittled me because I was nerdy that “see? I got the happy ending” so when I was twelve, and suddenly all the girls were having crushes on boys I felt nothing for, while I started noticing seemingly out of the blue just how incredibly beautiful so many girls my age and older were, I got veeery scared. I couldn’t like girls like that, I wasn’t like that, I was already weird and had no friends, so how could I ever hope to find a girl who liked girls who’d like me? And if I did, everyone already hated me, so how would I bear it? The stares and the insults and the danger we’d face if people saw us together on the street? So I pushed that attraction down as far as I could, I convinced myself I was actually just too inmature to start thinking about crushes and all that stuff, and obviously when I was mature enough and the time came, I’d like boys, because that’s what Normal Girls did right? And I had to be normal.
In my school’s equivalent of US’ eighth grade, a new boy came to our class, he was pretty, and friendly, and most importantly, blonde! and he was the school sports star! It felt like every movie-like fantasy I ever had come to life. Every girl was in love with him, so one time I had a dream where we were dating. I woke up being absolutely ecstatic, that must have meant I had a crush right? I liked a boy? I was definitely straight?
I never actually began feeling nervous around this boy, or looking at him any more than usual until I had this dream and decided that meant I was in love. I told a friend eventually because I was excited about being in love and the fantasy I had created for myself about our perfect relationship (which did involve us kissing and having sex, and I never actually felt turned on about it but I did imagine it a lot because it meant we were In Love, so those fantasies happen even if you don’t actually like like the person in question, dw!), and isn’t that what you do when you like someone? Gossip about it with your friends? She told some of my bullies and the dude found out, so he started laughing at me in the middle of the class and calling me ugly and saying he was traumatized at the mere idea of me liking him. 
And I… felt nothing. I was angry of course, and sad, but it was just the same anger and sadness I felt when some random I didn’t like made fun of me, it wasn’t even like what I felt when former friends said nasty stuff about me. And I wanted to be heartbroken I wanted to wallow in the misery and the drama of it, but I just wasn’t, it was the same “well this shit sucks and I’m angry about it but it happens everyday so wyd?” There was no deeper feeling there, not even any special resentment, there was nothing. I never felt anything ever again when I looked at this boy.
Now, sometime later, the same boy starts dating a girl from our class, and it was around the same time that I was coming to terms with the fact that the latent attraction I had started to feel for women when I was younger had never actually gone away but rather had grown. Things were purely about sexual attraction for me at that point, not romantic feelings. I hadn’t actually been in love with a girl either by that point. Because even tho I was accepting my sexual attraction to women, I still had the idea in my mind that ideally I would end up with a boy, because when so much of my hopes for the future relied of me being beautiful and a man falling in love with me forever and ever so that I could have a normal future, letting go of that dream took a while. I called myself bisexual for a while, only to realize very little later that it didn’t actually fit me. When I did, it was hard, because I had to re-come out again to my mom and the two friends I had told, and that really scared me, because I felt like some fake, like what I felt was not actually real. I put it off, and my friends & mom were accepting but they also were like “you’re just confused about your sexuality!!/this is just a phase!!” so that fed into my insecurities. Even when I realized I was sexually into women only, I still hadn’t fallen in love with one, so that made things more confusing for me (I hadn’t fallen for any boy other than the one I mentioned earlier and one I met on a vacation that thought I liked for like a week because he had a pretty voice and was pretty androgynous lmao, but again, no heartbreak when he went away)
Eventually, (funnily enough through fandoms and f/f ships and fics that depicted them in loving relationships, And I cried when I read about girls kissing too, at first I thought it was because I was a Good Straight Ally, but I was just a lesbian lmao) I realized that I could also be happy in a relationship with a woman, that it was not only a possible future for me, but one that I wanted, one that felt right, one in which I wouldn’t be the beautiful, perfect, feminine, smart, succesful career woman I had dreamed of as a kid, but in which I’d be me, with all my quirks and faults, with another woman with her own quirks and faults who’d love me for who I am, because that was possible! It was possible to be happy like that!. When I realized this, that me liking girls romantically and sexually, and exclusively girls was okay, it felt like a veil was lifted from my eyes. Suddenly, all the feelings and attraction I had thought I had felt for boys paled in comparison to the intensity of what I felt for women, I learned what actual sexual desire was like, I yearned for a future with a real me in it with a real woman by my side, instead of the fake ideal I’d wanted to be when I was younger. It was around that time I fell in love for the first time.
Remember how I mentioned the boy I used to “like” got a girlfriend? Well, guess who I fell for? Me and her were assigned seats together one year in high school, and I got to know her through the first term, every time liking her more and more, until one day, she just walks into class, and I think she did something different with her hair? Whatever it was, seeing her felt like someone punching the breath out of me, it felt like watching literal perfection embodied. And I was gone, I was just so so sooo gone. I felt sparks when we sat next to each other, I couldn’t stop smiling like a fool whenever I looked at her, she’d say something nice to me and it felt like my soul was flying out of my body. And of course it was idealized, it was a crush on a girl I didn’t know that well, but the feelings I had, I had for her, for her actual personality, her actual sweetness, her actual kindness, even her actual rashness sometimes, not the fantasy I had made up of her that I projected onto her like I did when I “liked” her boyfriend. I liked her as a person. Plus the intensity of both crushes was just so fucking different. When I liked her, I cried when we were apart and at the thought of her with her dumbass idiot boyfriend, I listened to a love song and could relate to it for the first time. I understood finally why people would write poetry and songs and do all sorts of crazy things for this feeling. 
Tldr: I also fantasized about the ideal boy and I was never able to allow myself to feel anything for a girl because of how much I had repressed my sexuality due to fear of backlash until I was able to recognize that yes, liking women was OK and then all my repressed feelings came pouring out like a tsunami. 
If that sounds like something you can kind of relate to, then that’s your answer anon. However, it might not be, or maybe you don’t know if it is yet. That’s alright! Sexuality can be complicated and it can take a long time to figure it out. You’re not on a deadline here, you don’t have to stress about it.
As for the normal part, yeah being a lesbian in this society sucks a lot. And I still get terrified of the idea that I will not be “normal” and that I can never be happy. Even if I know deep in my heart that I can never be happy with a man, sometimes I wonder if it’d be worth it to spare me the pain. The answer? Hell no, I’ve got one life, one, what’s the point of wasting it on loveless unfulfilled relationships when I could try to go for someone I’ll actually be happy with? There’ll be pain, of course there will be, I live in a small town and I’ve only just started meeting other lesbians & bi girls offline this year because I’ve gone to university, and I’ve only ever actually started talking to and becoming actual friends with the ones I knew online this year too because I was so terrified before! All of them tell me about their hurt, and how lesbophobia affects them a lot, and yet I see them talking about how much they love their girlfriends/wives (I don’t have that because I’m an awkward potato but I’m trying) and also other lesbians, and it gives me hope, because I can be just like them, finding genuine happiness amidst the pain.
I hope this answer helps you. 
Mod M :D 
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thegoldenavenger · 8 years ago
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squeeful replied to your post “dont ask me about my peacock tony headcanons ”
do tell
this is entirely your fault i told you not to ask
i mean,, listen from a pre-iron man tony standpoint you gotta think a lot about how human social interaction changes (or doesnt change) with the introduction of wings and any bird-like behavior you wanna bring in (nesting, singing, dancing, etc) and whether or not each species of bird wings you use indicates which behaviors are imported over (eagles mate by having a TERRIFYING DEATH FALL in contrast some ducks have casual polyro lives)
in my MAXIMUM ANGST OVERLOAD au brightly colored feathers on guys aren’t seen as very uh, fashionable, at least in America where the model bird is still the bald eagle and other raptor species. (dull, earth colored feathers are like 50s Model Wife for women, flashier colors are seen as more of a girl thing, even if most women have to rely on pigment or dyes to achieve them) 
also, behaviors are less reliant on particular species of bird(b/c these people are all the same species just with *hand wavey* wings that look very similar to actual bird species..) and more on like, their cultural background. In general, birds court by dancing or flying. gifting a partner a collection or other gifts is also common, singing or poetry is less so. (similar to human dating: dancing, getting flowers or jewelry etc) because of human stereotyping, and the american focusing on birds of prey, acrobatics and flight are seen as more committed, romantic ways of courtship. though a little out-dated. most make do with gifts of jewlery or other collectible material. dancing and singing is seen as a little eccentric, though acceptable if youre not a local (intricate dances or courting displays/play battles are much much more common in places that arent america or england) the “hurtling through the air while kissing” isn’t a thing modern birds do outside of like, historical drama and fantasy adventure movies. 
uh, generally birds also do threat displays when angry or scared, which is ruffling feathers to make them seem bigger, etc etc. preening can be a nervous action, to self sooth, or because theyre comfortable or proud. if you have display feathers (like most pheasants and peafowl) than uh, displaying those is often seen as a little shameless or embarassing regardless of circumstance. pheasants, peafowl, turkeys, roosters and some other species dont just use their feathers to attract a mate, but also to intimidate rivals or scare away predators, like other birds they’re just making themselves look bigger but because they’re so brightly colored and ahah endowed, it’s seen as a little more indecent then, say, an eagle’s neck feathers poofing out. 
anYWAYS tony as a rebellious 80s metal head rocks the peacock feathers as much as he can (he wears crop tops and leather pants and body glitter fucking,,,, sue me). however, as soon as he starts giving presentations of his research and his robotics etc and wanting to be taken seriously he gets an abrupt change of heart since, practically, his extravagant tail feathers are just. in the way. always. 
if you look at a peacock, their tail fan base is like,, covered in a shield? that starts at like. the base of their neck/their shoulders?
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i think tony would have the whole shebang, the shield, tail feathers, wings. he just, has a lot of feathers. most people have the wings and the tail. tonys just got. a lot of feathers.
obviously in full display the fan would be impractical in day to day life for a human. 
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and even just lying down it would be unweildy
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also...... look how ridiculous they look from behind
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tell me.. a human wouldnt see that and make fun of them?????  (dont ask me how this works anatomcally with a bipedal upright human.. im still working that out. so far ive got the tail raising creating an automatic response to crouch forward to fan the tail fully out which is a bit ridiculous)
anyways the point is, the feathers are a burden and tony is an emotional kid so his tail feathers are more a distraction than he wants. he’s gotta learn how to control them early on, and also weather through everyone making fun of him implying that he wouldnt be good at business because peacocks are full of themselves. (his dad’s a peacock, but hey, that doesnt stop anyone) 
his wings are often an afterthought and more suited to controlled falling and giving an extra burst of height to his jumps than flying, not that he does a lot of that. he eventually learns how to use his tail and wings to add weight to his presentations, not block what he needs to show, etc
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fastforward... to the jericho incident where his wings arent damaged but his tail is. also, probably a lot of literal feather pulling when he wasn’t being cooperative,, which is the Unnecessary Whump factor. like, just casual bullying where he’s trying to walk somewhere and someone will step on or yank his tail feathers out because they’re being too ostentatious 
if theyre feeling particularly handsy and mean probably they pull out the little shield feathers i was talking about, not to mention all the shoving around and falling tony does they get ruffled on their own. 
akdsfkas idk man, when i headcanon him as having parrot wings or raven wings i dont even really go for the whole “wing damage from the bomb” most people do, because the arc reactor is gonna make wing powered flight a nonstarter anyways, but when i h/c him as a pheasant with those pretty tail feather. they get pulled. and a peacock has so much more feathers!!! so much more!!!! 
i just? and listen, back to young tony for a minute, who partied a lot and his train probably got stepped on a lot anyways. so, like, he’s used to that, and his teen years have a lot of pictures of him with ratty feathers before they molt again. but after becoming CEO he learned how to maintain his feathers (magazine covers blowing up pictures of his ratty train with the caption WHO PULLED THIS OUT OF THE TRASH can only be smoothed over with PR so many times) 
but, but just, tony, in the cave, hunched over trying to protect the battery magnet, with people stepping on his train feathers on purpose and just to make fun of him, people grabbing fistfulls of the indigo feathers on his shoulders and yanking to get him to go in whichever direction, and the arc reactor is a priority so whatever disinfectant and bandages they have, yinsen puts there, and he tries his best for the little wounds on tony’s back but they probably get dirty and scabbed up, 
and building the equivalent to the suit and getting half caught in the penultimate explosion probably cauterizes some of the patches, so while some of the feathers will grow back it wont ever be even.
uh, peacock wings actually arent that brightly colored in comparison. theyre brown and black and nicely patterned but not ostentatious and i think most people are not very well informed about different types of bird wings and when tony comes back they assume he’s Changed His Look on purpose. and he’s just, very conscious of the half grown in feathers and he’s got some trauma about his train feathers so he keeps those trimmed and develops a sort of habit of picking the shield feathers on his back so theres no uneven down growing
honestly, without the blue and green train, he looks like a different bird. 
he’s still got the reactor so his sternum/wishbone would still be super unstable and weak and not able to support wing powered flight. im SURe there’s a time while avenging where he’s caught without his flight prosthetic (iron man armor) and has to glide down from somewhere high because he’s falling or someone else is falling and he’s lucky his chest doesnt cave in but he does create stress fractures or something that is not particularly healthy and requires him getting Medical Attention Soon Please, and having to recover from that. 
also with the chest situation he’d have such a tough time sleeping b/c he cant sleep on his chest but wings make it difficult to sleep on his back. 
so, talking about interpersonal relationships, with his embarrassing display feathers taken out of the equation, and unassisted flight not in his ability the only thing he has to fall back on is to give people things. which, you know, was always he modus operandi but with the choice taken from him it kind of stings and most people miss take it because tonys a peacock so obviously if he likes someone he’d be annoyingly obvious about it (giant rabbit???) 
conveniently,, the brown and yellows and greys of his wings match the iron man red and gold better than the aqua and blue and greens of his tail. 
possibly, the avengers do a mission with some aliens or gods or something and iron man does something incredibly sacrificial but also saves a lot of lives so in thanks he gets healed, and when his feathers start growing in, it looks like whatever magic healed him went “blue and green? uh, no???”
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but tony wakes up with full plummage again which is.. difficult for him, since he’d have to adjust to it, and of course everyone thinks he died his feathers iron man red and gold just For The Aesthetic, and he still has the whole, plucking issue,
so.. theres, that??
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