#idk in general don’t be a fuckin creep it’s not that hard

[spicyicymeloncat]

I couldn’t respond earlier bc I was out but THIS

THIIIIIIISSSSS

WHY ARE MOST OF THE FANDOMS IM IN LIKE THIS.

THIS IS LIKE MY MAIN GRIPE WITH FANDOM (I’m in hater mode constantly because of this)

Long ranty post incoming, warning for opinions, discussion of sexism and brief discussion with “problematic ships”

Writers will show up and give you the most detailed world and people will have shipping wars for no reason.

And like I am in the boat of “enjoy fandom however you like, it’s your blog your content do what you want” but it’s disheartening when you’re on a tag for a franchise and none of the content is real or true or about the show and it just leads to a lot of other unpleasant problems with fandom. It’s fine if you do enjoy some of the things I’m about to complain about but the issue for me is when it completely dominates fandom bc it’s just incredibly boring to me personally.

AND DISCLAIMER. I do like shipping! Just not only shipping. It’s like butter. I like butter in my sandwiches but not tons of it on its own. I want the cheese or ham or lettuce and bread in my sandwich too. I’d like to enjoy the whole sandwich and the whole media franchise.

BUT LIKE CAN WE PLEASE talk about the huge mischaracterising and flanderisation that happens when people care more about a specific relationship dynamic and basically make content for that but with the costume of a specific fandom as long there’s a single hint of that happening. Like people just like a ship trope and they slap any old character onto it.

And it’s always the same fucking “they’re divorced <3” like I get it you like divorced old men (examples: the Magnus archives, Lego monkie kid) . And yknow I feel like all the fandoms I’m in have just a mlm couple and sometimes that’s the entire fanbase (examples: see above, Zelda, project sekai). Which at times feels a lot like a normalised version of just yaoi fangirling which has a lot of weird implications for society.

And also can we talk about women. Because whilst most fandoms tend to have THE MLM tm ship, sometimes fandoms have favourite men characters who don’t have to be shipped in order to be popular. But most women in the fandoms I’m in seem to only be popular because they can be shipped and this is such dated behaviour. (Example: Skylor vs Morro from Ninjago, again 80% of the cast of project sekai it makes me so mad). Like fandom only know horny or haunted by trauma fr fr /hj.

And like yknow, there’s also the normal amount of passive misogyny as a factor, such as women just being less popular in general (the Magnus archives has popular NON CANON ship of Elias and Peter which has no excuse of being so popular in comparison the two main cast canon couples of Melanie and Georgie or Basira and Daisy (ofc it makes sense that Jon and Martin are popular bc they’re the main main characters)

Like sometimes it feels like fandom is so romance oriented that women are simplified into their romanceability and they see this treatment much more than men (but this defo does happen to men and non binary people too but in general these are patterns). Also there’s also the immense woman hate when a piece of media has been implying a het romance but the fandom likes the gay ship more. I’ve seen this happen with Nya from Ninjago, this is basically happening with Yona from totk (and I’m going mad over it).

And speaking of romance orientated things, rip to anyone who looks into a hc tag and it’s entirely flooded with x reader and in like gentlest way possible all of those posts are not very in character and I guess they aren’t supposed to be, they’re just supposed to look dateable but like you see why that can be annoying right. Like I wish we had literally any other kind of headcanon. I wanna know a characters food preferences, I wanna know their medical history, I wanna know what kind of music they like or if their bilingual or what subjects they’d study at school. I want a description of literally any other relationship other than romantic.

But. But. The biggest rest in peace goes to fandoms where they’re main character roster is all sibling dynamics. My bestie is in the dc fandom and tmnt and like. Rip. Disastrous and terrifying. Deepest condolences. An entirely sibling cast combined with people determined to ship everything under the sun leads to unsavoury concepts. And yknow it could’ve been avoided if people realised that other relationships existed. And btw I said at the top that I think it’s fine to enjoy some things I complain about, this one doesn’t count. If you’re out here specifically glorifying and romanticising child relationships , sibling relationships or abuse, then you need to change your mindset. I don’t wanna get into the pro/anti bs, but like if you’re out here with the intent on saying that those relationships are perfectly fine, then I suggest getting therapy or something.

Other than that, generally it does frustrate me when it feels like a franchise is wasted on a majority of its fanbase. I have this same problem with tumblr sexymen, the jokes are funny but the actual unironic simping for a mischaracterisation really irks me, bc I just don’t like “horny” being an excuse to throw an entire franchise in the bin. Which is why I was so irrationally angry at people rehydrating Ganondorf from totk after only seeing the first teaser trailer. Also related, but I actually have the lmk macaque tags blocked because he was every other post and people mischaracterised him (imo) as hell he was the fandoms emo kitty cat (imo) and I do not care for it actually.

But I guess the solution is to be the change you wish to see in the world, so I’ll just come up with the headcanons and the content myself I guess. Bc I do believe ppl should enjoy how they want (barring supporting ickiness) even if I privately think that that character would not fucking say that. This is more of just a vent of why sometimes the fandom tag can be annoying to me, rather than telling people they should change bc I’m angry.

Sorry if I am being super blunt and mean (I started writing this and then life happens and suddenly you’re a little too angry :p), this is ofc all my own opinion.

Ps. I will note, I think Ninjago is one of the least ship dominated fandoms I’ve been in compared to the others. Like Ik there’s a lot non ship content and more hc in my experience at least. Like I don’t think as many characters get flanderised to the extent of my other fandoms. It’s not like it doesn’t happen but I appreciate the lessened severity of it (I might just be following cool ppl). And not saying there isn’t a wide variety of non ship content in other franchises, Ninjago just sticks out to me rn ig lol.

it sucks SO hard being one of the small minority in any fandom who couldn't care less about the ships present, and who really cares more for the lore than anything.

I dont CARE about new ship fuel youve found I wanna discuss why this super cool mystical thing has been secretly going on and what the fuck it means !!!!

[monstersinthecosmos]

(diff anon) i'd love to hear about what aspects of the fic you mentioned were formative to your own writing style! you're my favorite fic author of all time and i'm truly obsessed with everything you've written like. sorry if i sound like a creep LOL i literally got into VC so i could read your VC fics dude. you're amazing!!!

Dsgasd oh my goddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

First of all, thank you LOL. That’s so kind to say!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But also I feel a little silly like citing this fic as teaching me all these lessons about writing when they are things I am still very much practicing and always trying to achieve; I do not feel I’ve reached the level of The Epic RE Fic That I Idolize but weirdly enough I don’t think my VC fics are really great examples of the things I’m about to point out, since they’re all one shots and silly little smut scenes. I think I’ve carried the RE advice to my Sheith fics in a more meaningful way!!!!!!!! I think my Sheith fics are better samples of my writing and more complete stories that I’m trying to tell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes I wonder how random it is, like, I don’t think this is the BEST FANFIC EVER WRITTEN but it found me at a particular time. Maybe I could have learned these lessons somewhere else. Like there are a few other fics that I treasure deeply that gave me lightbulb moments about writing and it’s like, are they extremely unique? Or did I just find them when I found them? Did they just have the honor of being the first? Idk. But something about this fic is like, it left so many impressions on me in such a formative way that I still think about, and as I’ve gotten older and better at writing and as I become more able to articulate my tastes, I’m still always comparing back to it. And in the years since I’ve read like several million fanfics and I think I’ve developed a sense of what I know that I DON’T like, as well, which dictates to me what I would like to avoid as a writer, and even those things are like in direct opposition to this fic! So like. It just always comes back to this one for me, and maybe if I’d been in different fandoms it would’ve been some other incredible fic, but it happened at this place & time and it is what it is!!!

And for a long time I’ve cited it as my favorite book??????????? Like I do have favorite BOOK books, as well, but. This feels like it’s my favorite book lol. And I think it’s important for fic writers to have that because fanfic writing is a very different medium from original writing, and like a lot of what I like about this fic is SO specific to fanfiction writing in a way that doesn’t apply to writing in general.

But. Here’s some takeaways from the fic that really like created a blueprint for what I like in fics and gave me like the ultimate writing goals of how I would want my fics to be (and I’m still trying to get there!!!) !!! AND IM TRYING REALLY HARD NOT TO WRITE A NOVEL MYSELF I’M TRYING TO KEEP IT SUCCINCT WISH ME LUCK.

(sorry, I did, in fact, write a fucking novel okay i just love this fic so much 😭)

BIG THICC CHAPTERS

So just for the record every time I talk about this fic, it’s actually a duology of TWO FUCKIN FICS!! The first is like 311k and the second is 312k !!!!!!!!!!! That’s 600+ k’s! !!!!!!!!!!!

And to set the stage for you, I was 15 when this fic came out, and I was reading it like chapter to chapter. It’s 23 chapters and I think it was published up to 17 or 18 when I first binged it, so after that I was like reading every update. If I recall it was like ILLEGALLY on FF.net and survived the original purge but got caught later and taken down, so the author had moved updates to a personal website, and would alert everyone about updates with a fucking email list. It was the wild west out there okay.

BUT WHAT I LOVE ABOUT THIS FIC IS THAT THE CHAPTERS ARE LIKE AROUND 15K ON AVERAGE? It’s a nice thicc update. So the update days felt so special. It wasn’t like a bullshit 2k update that you can read in 10 minutes, it was like a nice event to sit down to.

I don’t even try to like set wordcount goals on my fics because like, one of the WHAT NOT TO DO lessons I’ve learned from reading several million fics is like, I really, really, really hate when authors fluff the wordcount with bullshit just to have the number. Like there was a super popular fic in one of my fandoms a few years back that I ALMOST had this experience with because every chapter was like 20-30k and it took me all morning to read on a day off and I was trying so hard to enjoy it but like so much of the body of text was just NONSENSE and like, wasn’t adding to the story at all, was repeating events that JUST HAPPENED in the form of clunky exposition to remind us, and I just felt like the author was trying to be like The Biggest Bestest Writer w/ the Longest Fic and it was just fucking excruciating. LOL. Eventually the updates became exhausting and I wound up skimming them :(. So. I don’t ever want to set that trap for myself.

But the RE fic taught me like, to think about stories (and chapters) as the sequence of events you want to convey, and give them space to breathe! I don’t want to just drop chapters on AO3 because I came to a dramatic stopping point, and I don’t want to just fill my page because I’m antsy to get engagement. I want to actually share stories that are patient and take the time to say what they want to say. And like as a 15 year old when I read this fic for the first time I was VERY MUCH the type of undiagnosed ADHD millennial who had bullshit random ideas and posted 1k at a time of WHATEVER and my page was a MESS. And I just think like, this fic taught me in a huge way to be patient and think about pacing, think about how I’m splitting the parts of the story apart, what makes this bit a “chapter”. It encouraged me a lot to like, think about the long game of how many scenes belong together in one update, vs splitting them into chapters, how to use that effectively, to be patient and not just publish every fucking little milestone just because I finished something and want to share it. LOL. Like just, be patient, write a nice thicc chapter, give it space to breathe, let the readers get through a cup of tea or have a lazy morning inside with it.

Just be PATIENT.

PACING!!!

And the PACING. The way the SLOW BURN builds!

First of all this fuckin fic slow burns you in like SEVERAL DIRECTIONS and when I tell you it is BRUTAL. A lot of this has to do with the canon it’s working with (I’ll talk about this more in a bit) and I don’t want to get too in the weeds with canon details but like the fic is a novel of pre-canon backstory, so like. IT’S THE SUSPENSE VS SURPRISE THING RIGHT? Like, I’m slow burning for usual reasons like waiting for them to work out the mutual pining and fuck already, but also!!!!!!!!! The TENSION waiting for canon stuff to happen!!!!!!!!

Because !!!!! I’ll just tell you right now!!!!!!!! ONE OF THEM FUCKING DIES IN THE GAME OKAY. So this entire time is this investment into a ship where YOU KNOW HE’S GOING TO FUCKING DIE LOL. And like the timeline of the fic takes place over 20 years so it’s covering so much ground and history between them and every update you get closer and closer to the events of the game and it’s just ahdskjglads EXCRUCIATING LOL.

You also know from the game that one of the characters (Birkin) is married and has a child, so like, you slow burn on them hooking up, and THEN you slow burn on “oh god what’s going to happen why does he wind up with a wife this is awful something terrible is going to happen” and then WHEN IS HE GOING TO DIE I CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS.

But the fic covers such a huge expanse of story and does such a great job just pacing out all these events, and this also goes to being patient and writing thicc chapters. And it kind of weaves in and out of major events, like there are times the text will just straight up time skip like “Two years passed like this” and other times we like stay very focused on a month or two of important things. And it just feels that everything that gets space and attention moves the plot, everything has a purpose. (Ironically I could have learned this from VC and it's very obvious that the author was a VC fan for a few reasons I'll spare you because this post is too long already and even drops an IWTV joke at one point LOL) [BUT I GUESS READING IT IN A FIC MADE IT FEEL MORE ACCESSIBLE IDK like I learned a lot from Anne Rice but I also don't really want to write like her so I never idolized her prose too literally. I think it maybe is more obvious with a blunter author who cuts to the point LOL.]

EVEN THE SMUT okay like, because, they finally fuck lol, and like, TO ME PERSONALLY I don’t like when slow burns culminate in one fucking smut scene and then it never happens again lmao. I like it when like, the dam breaks and we get a plethora of smut. And this fic is a little tricky because there’s a stretch in the middle WITHOUT smut when they’re having issues around Birkin’s wife hahaha but like. For the most part, once they fuck, there’s at least some smut in each chapter, and it’s never random!!!!!!!!!!!! The plot of the fic is so intertwined with these specific smut scenes, especially bc they imply that like, the ship is fucking 5x a week LOL. So the scenes that we actually get are like, yknow, their first time, or the first time they don’t use a condom, the first time they have make-up sex, the first time they say I love you. You know??? It feels so strategic. I love it!!!!!1

Don’t get me wrong because I’m a big fan of PWPs also LOL but like I really really adore longfics and slow burns that use smut this way, too. There’s room for everybody and all types of porn, so it’s all good LOL but like I really would love if I could write like this and I think about it a lot when I try to plan my fics and it’s something I’m really trying to work on. Smut for the sake of smut is excellent but it’s also just a really fun bonus if there’s like, porn meta lol.

And even like, going back to pacing and time shifts, it’s so graceful !!!!! I feel like I get stuck on transitions a lot in fic, like how to do time skips, and I always go back to this fic to remind myself it’s okay to just go “It was a week later when –” like it’s so simple! So easy! Just do it!

UNAPOLOGETIC EVIL CHARACTERS

Again without getting into the weeds on Resident Evil canon, this is a love story between the two VILLAINS and like. THEY’RE AWFUL PEOPLE LMAOOOO. Some of it is like tropey fake sociopath stuff that we see in fiction, like, I wonder if someone this evil is even capable of loving anything, but it’s KINDA NICE YKNOW like it’s romantic that they cause mass death and their city eventually has to be nuked to stop their virus from spreading even more but they couldn’t give less of a fuck about the 100k+ casualties because all they care about is each other. 😊

And it’s written in such a raw way that honestly I feel like I don’t really see anymore? This could be because the fandoms I read these days don’t really have characters like this, but. For example! When Birkin winds up in a marriage of convenience with this woman, he just slowly devolves into being such a horrific misogynist because he resents her so much? And he’s so unfulfilled as a closeted gay man and fuckin hits her and stuff when he’s frustrated?

Like he’s UNLIKABLE, he’s HATEABLE, so much of the conflict in the story is HIS OWN FAULT and he’s just an awful fucking person, and the text isn’t shy about it! Even writing his POV it’s like, “he couldn’t look at her without losing his appetite” and “it disgusted him to think about her sloppy vagina” LOL it’s just!!! So incredibly raw and messy and honest.

I’m even guilty of shying from things like that in my fics because, while I adore whump, I also think about my stories as fantasy spaces, and I don’t often want to bring real world harm into them. I think a lot of fandoms have this, like this established fanon space where we write fics where there’s no homophobia, for example. I don’t see a lot of fics anymore about coming out, or being closeted. They’re around!!! But I think I used to see them a lot more 20 years ago because the generation of writers were struggling with it so much more, maybe.

Again, maybe just the fandoms I write and read for, idk. Like VC doesn’t feature homophobia in canon, VLD takes place in the future and it doesn’t come up, YOI is like a fantasy world and the creator even said that homophobia doesn’t exist there. So yeah idk like. I have read fics like this, they’re out there, it just doesn’t feel very common, and it’s especially uncommon to take that direction of portraying the blorbo as a misogynist and spousal abuser, you know?

BUT !

I LOVE IT because, you’re still rooting for them LOL.  Like, Birkin punches his wife and complains about her sloppy vagina and I’m like YEAH GET BACK TO WESKER! GET SOME DICK! Like it WORKS because I’m on his side LOL. It’s just a really interesting exercise in characterization and like, how to still like people in the text who are just completely awful that you’d never forgive in a million years if they were real.

I’m sure this is around in like Kylux or something, this has gotta still be a thing in other fandoms LOL, I just personally don’t see it a lot. Even VC fandom could be better at this, you know. 😊 Make them scumbags !!!

SMUT PHYSICALITY

There’s something really funny about how the smut is written and it’s like. At a glance I always think it’s just outdated because like we’ve collectively all nailed down some better vocab for smut that I see these days LOL but also it feels meta because the two characters are like evil scientist sociopaths so everything is sort of clinical and dry. Like there’s a lot of rectums and anuses and penises LOL. And it always makes me chuckle a little when I reread until I get re-acclimated.

But what I think it kinda does brilliantly is it zooms out and like shows so much structure and choreography for the smut. So like. I’m really glad that this fic was so important to me as a teen because I hadn’t written a TON of smut and really started writing it a lot after coming back to writing fic in my late twenties after a really long break, and I’m just really grateful to have this foundation because it made me think about the bones of a smut scene so much. Nowadays I think fandoms and smut writers have collectively bounced vocab off each other and we’ve like osmosis hiveminded so much great technique for smut writing and I’m so glad that smut scenes are so much more stylish and sensual these days but it’s nice to have this foundation too and to come back to like, how people move and what they’re doing beneath all the sleek words.

THE EXPANSION OF CANON !!!!!!1

I’m still, 20 years later, so goddamn impressed with how this author was able to expand canon the way they did??????????

Because like, if you’ve never played Resident Evil, these two characters are NPCs and villains, and in Resident Evil most of the canon information is delivered to you via documents. Like you explore areas and find documents laying around or find people’s journals and you read them and that’s where all the world building and exposition and clues are taught to you.

So like, we know these two worked for Umbrella in the 70s because there’s a photo of them outside the building in the 70s. We know the names of their coworkers because we find a lab report signed by someone named Ross.

Like, in any fandom we’ll have these bits of pre-canon or backstory that are delivered in crumbs, but WOW IS THIS FIC GLUED TOGETHER WITH FUCKING CRUMBS. And the amount of research the author did on like SCIENCE LOL is so ?? idek how accurate it is or if they’re just bullshitting but I BUY IT LOL it feels right, feels natural while you’re reading, makes perfect sense! Because there’s so much about like the work they’re doing in the labs, and like details about the projects, etc.

Just, going back to pacing, it’s incredible how many subplots the author wove together to like fill twenty years of time. For example, in canon, we meet Wesker in the first game where he’s a rat inside the police department running a special ops team, and by the end of the game you find out he’s worked for Umbrella the entire time and is delivering you to be slaughtered so that they could get combat data. So in the fic there’s like, the whole section about how Wesker decides to start this special ops team and put in the time to pose as a cop, and how he actually has to do police work !!!!!!! And he solves bizarre murders!!! And does paramilitary training !!!! And it’s such a great section of the fic and I love it!

Like there’s just so much thought to using canon as a framework and like finding all these spaces to uncover and fill with your own ideas. Even giving Wesker and Birkin family histories, which we never get in the games! Wesker has a whole fucking family! His sister is a fleshed out OC in the fic that shows up a lot and she’s amazing! I love her!!!

It just feels so much like the SPIRIT of fanfic to me and what I like to see, what types of things I like to think about when I’m like in blorbo hell. I DO think about all these uncovered spaces and want to know more. I want to know everything! I have to make these decisions as a writer! I want to make up headcanons about people’s families and histories so that I have that point of reference when I’m writing, even if I never have the chance to reveal it in the fic itself!!!

I like when canonverse fics pay this much attention to detail and feel PLAUSIBLE. It just really inspires me as a challenge to see how plausible I can make fics!!!!!!! Some people like face canon and walk backwards into hell lol but I really enjoy this as a creative exercise and this fic like really showed me how much you can make up while still be so plausible!!!!!! And it deepens my enjoyment of the source!!!!! Because I re-play the games and I'm like OH THIS IS THE ROOM WHERE SUCH&SUCH HAPPENED, THIS MUST BE WHERE THEY HAVE THAT ARGUMENT OFF SCREEN, etc.

AND ALSO LIKE THE THING THAT FUCKS ME UP SO MUCH is that the first fic was written after CODE: Veronica so it covers like the timeline up until that game, and then they have the entire fucking 312k sequel that came out before Resident Evil 4 so they were out of canon to use AND JUST MADE SOME SHIT UP!!!!!!!!!!11 And to this day I prefer how the fic went over canon LMFAO. This fic is my actual Resident Evil canon, bye!!!

But it was so rich and layered, so well paced, so thicc and fulfilling, so thoughtful !!!!!!!! So well written! It’s incredible how these two fics are like a pre-canon AND post-canon fic, like that’s so much thought work to do about THE THING, you know? I fucking admire it so much!!!!!!!!!!

Gosh.

AND ANYWAY BONUS POINT ABOUT ADULTS IN FANDOM

Reading this fic at 15 I was so impressed with like the worldly references and point of view and life experience of the writer and I kept thinking “wow this writer must be a fucking grown up” LOL and like, I don’t think fandom spaces were as segregated by age back then and it wasn’t so uncommon for adults & minors to mingle in the same space because no one gave a shit, but I do know that the friends I made were usually around my age because we gravitated towards each other, and it always gave me the impression that the fandom was like all high schoolers. And especially like once FFnet did the purge and we were sharing on LJ more it’s like, fics being posted in between everyone’s entries about their day at high school lol.

Anyway so, I just remember like, appreciating so much that older people were writing fics, too, and some of it was like just very obvious life experience that came through in the text, but also like being able to characterize adult characters are adults, if that makes sense. Like I don’t want to generalize every teen writer but I do know that when I was a teen, all my characters tended to behave like teens. And I noticed it in my peers’ fics, too, like, the amount of melodrama and crying and like world-shattering interpersonal conflicts that an adult could like, very easily solve or avoid LOL. So it was really awesome to read like, adults written by adults, and again like even though I was a very avid reader of traditional books, too, and reading lots of adults that way, reading fanfiction is such a different experience when you see the same character written by several different people and notice how everyone portrays them differently. It just made me start thinking about stuff like that as a writer, like how much was I projecting, how much does everyone project, how much can you insert about your own experience and point of view without mangling the character?

And like, I stopped sharing fanfic online after the LJ strikethrough because all the fanfic spots kinda died at that point, and then I was like working full time at 17, and then I started college when I was 21, and just a few years went by where I dismissed fanfic as my silly high school hobby that isn’t for adults, EXCEPT THAT I WOULD REMEMBER THE RE FIC WAS CLEARLY WRITTEN BY AN ADULT, and so when I rejoined fandom and started writing fic again when I was like 27 I remember feeling like I had something to contribute and I was so happy to be an adult in fandom writing cool stories with all my patience and life experience.

AND LIKE OVERALL NOW I THINK, IDK, THE WAY THE INTERNET LANDSCAPE HAS CHANGED AND THE WAY MILLENNIALS ARE COMING INTO MIDDLE AGE LOL, I feel like I still mostly interact with my peers, but I still see like the ageism in fandom from younger folks here and there, and I’m just like. Whatever kids, the grownups are the ones writing all the good fic. 😎

[spanishinfluenza]

hi! first of all i just wanna say how grateful i am for your unending great headcanons, and for being one of those blogs who are always feeding my carlesme heart with content that sm*yer deprived them of. honestly, thank you. and idk if you've done this already, but i just wanna ask what do you think are the cullens up to during this pandemic? <3

tysm! I'm so glad people are enjoying the absolute drivel im churning out bc i have so much more coming.

I love thinking about how these guys are gettin on in corona. Most of my thoughts on this are headcanons shamelessly adopted from @askcarlislecullen and @gisellelx but ofc I have my own thoughts too! I'd really recommend you check out their fic Cien Años de Compañerismo on ao3 because it's some grade A Cullens-do-corona content imo

i personally headcanon that the pandemic has been hard on the Cullens but no one more so than Carlisle. He and Esme have been moving constantly since February 2020, following the hot spots around the world. He worked in Italy for two months at the beginning of the pandemic because he felt compelled to use his lack of fatigue where it was most needed. Briefly, he considered staying in Volterra for vampire-safe residency but Aro, as hospitable as he is to Carlisle, is undeniably creepy. Both he and Esme felt they would actually be safer living amongst dense human population in Lombardy. In March and April, Carlisle was working for entire weeks without break and when he did come home - for human appearance's sake - he was severely distressed, uncharacteristically short and anxious to get back. He's lived through a number of plagues in his time but, to this day, he's never seen anything like what he saw in Bergamo hospital.

Pretty soon he was drafted back home so he and Esme moved back to the US. Rosalie and Edward both hold medical degrees so they retrained and volunteered for the front of the pandemic. It was incredibly hard on both of them - Rosalie because, despite her inhuman strength and power, she could do nothing to stop innocent people from dying. She had never encountered innocent death before and it will take years to process when its all over. Edward because of his own undoubted medical trauma. Edward ended up having to take a long break in June of 2020 as the climbing sickness and death was getting to be too much for him. When he did return in October, he volunteered his effort outside of ICUs and emergency rooms. He takes much shorter shifts and Bella has learnt a lot about how to help someone suffering with PTS tendencies. Rosalie has resumed her newborn blood-resistance lessons with Carlisle and the extraordinary amount of time they're spending together have actually made the pair a lot closer.

As for the others, some of them have taken great advantage of online schooling becoming more widespread. Alice and Jasper took themselves to the South and are fuckin about on zoom school (fashion with a thesis on green-washing and, weirdly enough, philosophy and ethics respectively). Emmett and Esme are enjoying their time off. They wanted to dedicate some of their luxury to the pandemic efforts of course, but neither could hope to be around dying humans or vaccination centres without chowing down on somebody. Instead, they take semi-regular shifts with a volunteer domestic abuse support hotline because when Esme read about the spike in victims, she wasn't going to do nothing about it and so yes she drafted her son in too. They also donate ofc. She can't take too many calls without it getting too much for her so in her ample off time whilst Carlisle is working, she has thrown herself into multiple renovation projects. Emmett, with little to do besides keep Rosalie propped up, likes to help. He's only allowed to aid in demolition though as it's all he seems to understand. When Carlisle does come home, he immediately lies face down in Esme's cleavage in their room with the lights turned off. It's how he unwinds.

Emmett, Alice and Esme have all created tiktoks.

Bella was mid English Lit degree when the pandemic struck so she's just a stay at home vampire student.

Those that don't have to interact w society, generally don't. Getting temperature tested is honestly a ballache for someone without much of a body temperature. Carlisle, Rosalie and Edward usually just rub their hands on their foreheads really fast before going in. They also signed off on each other's lateral flows and covid swabs until the pandemic progressed to the point of human doctors just doing their own. Six needles were necessarily broken when they had to get "vaccinated".

It's weird and they're barely getting to spend any time w their loved ones in comparison to usual but the six of them that are living together are making it work the best they can. Carlisle and Esme have made a promise to take a year away from all work when this is all over as they've officially had history's shittiest 100th annivesary so far (they did do a lil something special for her 100th birthday but they'll also likely celebrate that again afterwards too).

rutabaga doesnt exist bc she creeps me out

[abbeyfangirl]

dragon age: all characters (companions)

I’ve been in this fandom for a hot minute now and I want to update my opinions on characters :)

Origins

Alistair: super sweet dude who literally is not the stereotypicalchantryguyfightme. He’s a great example of healthy masculinity and I totally wish he was bi because I have an entire essay on that— also: he’s a poc! His mum was brown. In game he’s got dark features. if you really want a blond/blue-eyes/white guy, make your warden that. or accept that brown people can be noble and moral. or just draw cailan, idk. just because BioWare whitewashes doesn’t mean you should.

Leliana: someone hug my singing girlfriend before I crush her under with my own hugs. Also: nugs. Yes! Shoes. Yes! She likes how I style my hair? YES!! I honestly think she’s super duper and it pisses me off whenever someone’s like: yeah she enjoys killing people and the Game. ok. and michel de chevin willingly participated in genocidal marches through the alienage he grew up in with his elvhen mum. 

Morrigan: dirty swamp witch that i stan and also have a v big crush on. tiddies. Have a son with a GW so we can raise him with our tiddies out in the forest. she’s also white-passing, as her father was chasind and all people we’ve seen that are chasind are black. therefore, she is biracial. therefore, poc can be goths and don’t shy away from giving morrigan a darker skintone. if the devs had of been thinking, she’d have a darker skintone.

Zevran: Actually is the best romance, I think. Loves consent, therefore I will stan him so hard my skull cracks a little. Also: he is a very brown boy and if he’s white in da4 I’m seriously going to throw all canon out the fucking window. genuinely a good person who needs to be told so. 

Wynne: grandma who only likes my friends who go to church. but also super sweet and I’d rest my head on her bosom (in a platonic way omg ZEVRAN)

Sten: angry quiet boi. the bestest boi. I totally would give him a kitten for a gift and bake him cookies. Thicc softie. I think if I had DA:O and i knew how to use mods i would mod the fuck outta him. sorry.

Sha(y)le: who’s gender? idk her. See also: fuck birds and authority. pound ur ass into the ground you feathery meatbag little shits. fuck songbirds.

Dog: such a good boi. thicc. thinks Alistair is a whiny fuck and is Morrigan’s only friend. love him. he’s the cutest companion. bet.

Ohgren: honestly forgot about him bcc he’s such a shitbag. also: he could’ve been a really cool addiction recovery type but NOPE. probably would have a trump shirt in a modern au and would catcall wlw and hit mlm. no thanks.

Awakening

Anders: he acts like rlly straight but he’s so gay I can smell it. also he’s rlly cute and fun and I love him so much.

Justice: MAYBE i’M selF CONSCious OF THE twitchING. is the friend that genuinely doesn’t get dick jokes but is ur 110% ride or die.

Nathaniel Howe: honestly is sort of a white knight/neck beard a little, but it’s kind of charming with his whole velanna m’lady?? grump boi. annoying soul patch that I’d mod out SO FAST—

Sigrun: would have ROMANCED the FUCK out of her. why she even entertains the idea of fucking with ohgren makes me realize most of the writers are dumbfucks.png. peppy little emo. 12/10 would die if she kissed my cheek teasingly.

Ohgren: why. why. why. I’d have brought Shayle over. Maybe Zev? Definitely Dog.

Velanna: she was written to be an annoying feminist and you can tell but I deadass am a kindred spirit with her bcc I too am deadpan annoyed with Thedas’ general population too. love her. Would’ve loved to romance her. She’d totally be one of those who’d get all tsundere and be like “n-no i hate you” *kisses the fuckin soul out of you then blushes so hard she’s now a tomato*

Dragon Age II

Anders: fuck the cops. i don’t care. fuck the cops. (vine reference). also: do i hate him for blowing up the chantry that would eventually annul a huge collection of his people? no. read dalishious’s meta on Anders. v intriguing. didn’t they retcon the fuck out of the reported deaths too? like there was like eight Templars and Elthinia in there. Templars killed more “abominations” in a day than Anders in the game canon—

Aveline: initially thought she was fine and then realized she’s shit to my lil brother and I will fucking clap her ginger ass. See also: whorephobia isn’t a joke so fuck off with treating Isabela badly, you tit.

Bethany: sunshine. Literal sunshine. I feel my freckles grow in her presence and i love it. she’s my little baby sister and I’d slam that ogre so fuckin hard before it touched either twin.

Carver: there has to be a mod where both twins survive. I love them both to bits. My babies. carver is my bitter, angry little brother and I can relate because I too am very angry and would totally clap my own ass. hes so genuine and I don’t get the competition between Beth and Carver. Like, both are fuckin stellar in different ways. In this essay I will—

Fenris: honestly, I don’t get the general hate between him and Anders. Fenris’ main arc should’ve been a recovery arc, not drunken moping and revenge. he deserves better. give him a soft sweater instead of his spikes and let him love himself as much as I love him for MAKERS SAKE. like when you really think about their relationship, it could’ve been an eye-opener for fenris and finally some legit sympathy for anders. but we all know that if they had of teamed up that Meredith would’ve been dead before the end of Act 1 so.

Isabela: whorephobia is not a joke. oversexualizing your only appearing brown woman is so poorly written. how about we appreciate her and her lovely bosoms but also let people tease her about her heart of gold? her innate understanding of freedom? instead of just a wave of dick? please?? can we give her some pants for when she fights? can we accept that i fall for rogues who hate themselves?? fuck. also whomever draws her x femHawke x Merrill literally is after my own heart.

Merrill: my fucking babygirl MARRY ME. Fenris could’ve been her older brother type, but NO. she and Isabela should’ve been canonical gfs instead of Isabela/Fenris (no shaming the pairing tho!!). I love how she’s written as neurodivergent. V nice. Sometimes I just look her up and cry because she’s fucking everything. Also: she’s in the Dalish origin and she’s far from being white. Why did they make the most innocent/naïve character really white? hmmmm.

Sebastian: whew that boy. Would totally be that annoying Mormon at your door but you still let him in bcc he’s super sweet. Also: huge ass bible thumper and should get his head slap because you said the maker loved all his children why do you defend a complicit old hag you annoying attractive fuck—

Varric: totally is a bard and the devs couldn’t handle the idea of him being one bcc it might make him look less straight. is the only grey morality person I don’t want to fucking bash in with a fry pan. he sees people and I like that, but you totally know he’s siding with mages every time bcc him and Anders are like besties. I’m sorry. I don’t make the rules. “Professional Younger Brother”.

Tallis: I know nothing about her but she seems okay. I think she was an escaped slave and honestly? Fucking props. Spy on a shitting organization, idk what you’re doing, but your VA was that cool lesbian from SPN so I think ur okay?

Inquisition

Blackwall: Redemption Arc 101. Love him to bits. Sad dad bunwall. good man. actually atoned for his sins by actively becoming a good person. his initial design is 80% hotter im so sorry but so not.

Cassandra: was way browner in the last game. would romance the fuck outta her. I love me a butch lady who melts at my dorky recitation of poetry. BioWare is a coward. also is the worst choice for divine. but not a bad person. could use some more guidance or get her ass whipped by a dalish elf about religion or a circle mage kid whos like “yeah bud i didn’t ask for the templars to whip my ass everyday for existing.”

The Iron Bull: I think the Qunari/Vashoth were a little based off black people (the whole anti blackness thing where ppl are scared of them bcc of whatever reason) and it pisses me off that he had a weird ass dubcon thing with Dorian in banter. It doesn’t make sense— he’s an A+++ dom and would not jump straight in role play without at least checking in at first like wtf BioWare.

Cole: his mother was chasind so he’s like not supposed to be that white? or like biracial? albino? idk. love him to bits tho. He’s neurodivergent and I deadass love him. romancing him? idk. I see why ppl think it’s fuckin nasty but also like as a writer I’d age him the fuck up so fast before my inquisitor even THOUGHT about that. like idk. I’m down with him being a sweet little bro character tho. he’s a babe. love him.

Sera: had the worst fucking writer I’ve ever seen and I willingly read the twilight saga twice by a shit ass racist white lady who okay’d pedophilia. like. Fuck you Kristjanson suck your own dick you fuck. had the worst options in regards to speak to her. has a thicc case of internalized racism that literally most of the fandom just loves to use against her. my lesbian neurodivergent queen. Would write a thousand fix it fics for her. Love her to bits. im gay.

Varric: I haven’t played DA2 so i don’t get why everyone wants to romance him but like. a dwarf romance? yes please. Idk he reminds me of my uncle so I only see him as fun uncle material. Deadass should adopt Cole and Merrill and co parent with Blackwall for Sera. dads? fuck yeah. love me some wholesome, present fathers.

Dorian: is a gay stereotype that I love/hate so much. and he’s also just as bad about being a creep bcc he sexualizes qunari men (in banter). I attribute that to shit writing tho. I want to protect him from all the “omg gay best friend!” people. he’d clearly be that tired gay that wouldn’t give a diddly damn about ur het romance. wanna talk about politics? he’s ur guy/gay.

Solas: “me, an intellectual:”. I don’t hate him, but I’m not about him. He comes off as mysterious and suave (which he totally is) but I deadass would not save him from himself because he’s a racist, exclusionist eggshell. idk. not my cup of tea, but I can totally see the appeal. And he’s interesting, I’ll totally say that. “I think the Dalish are garbage but they made you” is not a compliment. it’s so offensive. and such bait for “quirky girls” which I’m no fan of. Would be Achilles and let Patroclus (Lavellan in his case) die before he realized how his pride is literally a waste of time. If he gets a redemption arc I hope Lavellan gets to slap him before getting him to teach all about ancient Arlathan and show that the Evanuris weren’t all total dicknozzles. (Aka I really have a hard time believing that they’d be slavery cult things. especially since they’ve compared elves to indigenous ppl, Jews and the Romani.)

Vivienne: it’s so racist that they’d make a black woman be pro-slavery. That’s such internalized racism. She could’ve been the cool ass “educate yourself first before you speak, fool” ice lady, but NO. the devs could’ve kept the “Templars are a tool that I proudly can mandate” and the “circles are very good education” and we. Could. Have. Romanced. Her. Like. Fuck. Sake. I just wanna give her a hug and say “love yourself omg!!” and not even in a romantic way. Also: she and morrigan should not have been so antagonistic towards each other. I’d expect them to have great respect for each other, as they both moved up in the world through hardwork and very little help. They could learn different magic from each other too and still maintain that rival respect “oh you” mood. Sidenote: probably the cooler option for Divine. if her approval is high enough she’ll love and be loyal to you forever and i can’t see her agenda being bad. she improves the circles exponentially and tells all the antis to suck her pretty painted toes.

Josephine: an actual disney princess. romanced her my first playthrough. I love her so much. she just makes me so happy. And she’s like: “Integrity, Loyalty, peace. That is what it means to be a GREY WARDEN good fucking person.” she’s the person who would let you hold her hand if you got anxious and she’d be that person who shouldered the whole group project with finesse and poise and would probably lie for everyone as to not be mean. i love josie. her and leliana’s relationship is so cute, too. whether it’s romantic or not: women supporting women.

Leliana: if you leave her hardened you must hate her. why. she becomes so against herself. i like how shes feminine and lighthearted because that’s so powerful-- to remain hopeful when the world is hopeless. (its hard to know when to soften her/harden her so i get it but. google it. she deserves to be happy and sweet again.)

Cullen: uwu war criminal with shit ass “redemption arc” that was actually a half-assed (at BEST) recovery arc. Recovery isn’t linear, it isn’t pretty, and even the broken need to be told they are wrong in order to heal right. Like I’m offended by that bullshit. I’ve had to do some mental health recovery in the past and unlearning lots of toxic ideologies— which I’m still unlearning— and it bothers me that he gets an easy pass because he’s hot. It’s one thing if you like Cullen, it’s another thing if you hold him accountable.

[zenosanalytic]

People What Aint From Round Here Is The Problem...

So I just watched Once Upon a Time... In Hollywood and I have THOUGHTS:

Ive read a few reviews&ruminations on this film at this point and I can’t believe that none of them got(or at least, mentioned explicitly) the primary thesis of this movie, spcl given that Tarentino flatly states it out the mouth of his primary protagonist within, like, the first 15-20mins of the film: “...most important thing in this town is when you’re making money you buy a house in town. You don’t rent... Hollywood real estate means you live here. You’re not just visiting, not just passing through. You fuckin live here.” i.e., the most important thing in Hollywood, to Hollywood, is the people FROM Hollywood; Everyone else is just a filthy, trouble-making tourist or profiteer who is “Passing Through” and “Doesnt Get It” and  “Is Fucking It Up”(It being the film industry), and probably “Secretly Hates Movies”. There are places and aspects of this movie that are basically a Nativist Angeleno rant, written by a life-long Angeleno film-nerd-turned-film-maker, against Hollywood’s critics(and his critics which he just totally conflates with the former), and probably non-Angelenos(and non-Californians?) in general.

There are two ways to read this thesis: Straight and Subverted/Satirized.

The evidence for reading it straight is pretty plentiful. Lots of reviews have puzzled at where the line connecting the constant hippie-bashing, the weird focus on knocking Polanski’s Polishness & preference for shooting in London, and the inexplicable pot-shot at Bruce Lee is, and I think this is it. “The Hippies” are repeatedly presented as a corrupting force: digging through trash, living in squalourous filth at the Spahn Ranch dragging members of “Old Hollywood” like its owner into it with them, selling drugs, and using sex to “control” men. And attached to this is presenting “The Hippies” as foreign; not only from another place, but refusing to assimilate with the LA way of life and hostile to it. The Manson family are the only explicitly identified “Hippies” in the film(other than, possibly, the one who sells Cliff an acid cig). The only “positive” portrayals of Bruce Lee in the film are silent ones of him teaching anglos kung fu, which has some fairly obvs and well-understood Implications.

But there’s also good evidence for reading it as subverted and satirized. Both Tate and Dalton are NOT from California, let alone LA, and Booth’s origins are left unclear. Dalton’s the only one of them explicitly id’d as being from elsewhere(Missouri), but Tate’s easy to google and she was a military kid who grew up all over the place. When Dalton returns from Italy, that sequence and his look in it are VERY reminiscent of the scenes introducing Polanski at the beginning of the film. The side-characters around Tate, perennially shown in a positive light, are also non-Angelenos. Doing Spaghetti Westerns revitalizes Dalton’s career, despite his disdain for Italian cinema. Tate and her crew, while not explicitly ID’d as “Hippies” and often shown in Mod and other fashion styles, are also presented in “Hippie” fashion, shown listening to “Hippie” music, smoking the “Hippie” Reefer(Im sorry, but Comedy Demanded this phrasing and I am Devout u_u), and implied to be living a polyamorous “Hippie” life.

It really is difficult for me to say which predominates. On the one entirely metaphorical hand, the ways in which Dalton’s Angeleno chauvinism are subverted and mocked are fairly obvs, but on the other emh, the film is FILLED with LITERALLY GLOWING nostalgia for this pre-Hippy, pre-Lefty, pre-70s, Conservative and Republican California&Los Angeles. Dalton’s focus on property-ownership&the film industry in the opening thesis could easily be seen as resolving these subversive contradictions to allow for a straight read(ie: Tate, Booth, and Dalton are “Hollywood People” who’ve both bought real-estate in LA, and who’ve grown up in film or film-adjacent fields and choose to center their adult lives in the film industry). So much, in fact, that I kinda started to wonder abt QT’s politics while watching it. And, if it WAS satirical, then what’s the point of the knock to Bruce Lee and focusing criticisms of Polanski on his Polishness and shooting in London? Is that just meant to characterize Dalton and Booth as nativists and racists?

It really cannot be said enough that there are REALLY MORE APPROPRIATE CRITICISMS to make of Polanski than 1)begin Polish, 2)possessing boyish effeminacy, and 3)preferring to shoot movies in London instead of LA. Which are this movie’s only problems with him(though it also takes the time to show him bitchily smoking a cigarette in an evening gown while being rude to a dog). Obvsl I dont object to villainizing an ACTUAL REAL LIFE VILLAIN like this shitstain, but I DO object to being asked(albeit gently) to participate in this film’s understated nationalist bigotry.

It’s possible that Cliff’s turning Pussycat down during the drive to the ranch was intended to be this but I highly doubt it. And if it was it’d be misrepresenting Polanski’s misdeeds enormously, considering that Pussycat, the too-young girl, is the sexual instigator in this film. Polanski liked to manipulate, drug, and rape underaged girls(he pulled the same shit with models in Europe before getting busted for it in LA, btw, then continued doing it after fleeing back to Europe); really not the same situation.

There’s another irony in that, while the film goes out of its way to call Polanski “boyish” and imply that makes him feminine and that this is Bad, there’s also a subtle under-current that... Tarentino sees himself in his youth the same way? He’s certainly never been short like Polanski and Jay Sebring are/were, QT’s 6 1, but the actors he cast to play them and the description made of the pair in-film are more than a bit reminiscent of how Tarentino looked&was discussed in the press back in the 90s when he was starting out. AAAaaand the film explicitly calls that Tate’s “Type”; leaving me with the question: would Tarentino be able to stop himself from implying a dead starlet would have been attracted to him? I leave the answer to your imaginations, Dear Readers u_u

Having said all that it IS a really good film, which I liked, I dont think it’d be very hard to set aside this political stuff while watching, the driving sequences are especially emotive&exhilarating, and there’s some seriously great acting in it. IDK if I’d say I liked it more than the recent Emma movie, tho.

I feel like each of the trio, Tate, Dalton, and Booth, were meant to symbolically Embody LA/Hollywood/California? Like Pitt especially seemed to be channeling movie characters and CJ from GTA: San Andreas throughout his performance, while I couldnt help but think of Ronald Reagan watching DiCaprio(spcl given the character’s likely politics). So there’s this sense in which the film is a fantasy of “Old Hollywood”, embodied by these three, Vanquishing its “Enemies”, represented by The Hippies(moralizing, pretentious, gross leftist) and potentially Polanski&Lee(foreign film ppl who refuse to integrate into the LA scene). Again, given the political history of Cali after this era, this embodiment raises some questions for me abt the film and QT’s politics(particularly in re: misogyny and feminism).

Also DiCaprio is totally going to get pitched a Reagan biopic off of this role and I sincerely hope he has the good sense to turn that shit the fuck down.

Circling back to the ranting at his critics, this movie was definitely and consciously a response to them. Like: up until the last 5-15 minutes of the film, and aside from a handful of too-lingering too fetishistic too on-the-nose creep shots of the female cast that Tarentino simply could not stop himself from making, OUATiH is precisely the sort of “Serious” film Tarentino’s critics have been saying he should make for decades now(of course he did Jackie Brown, which was that and which he blew Completely out of the park). And then there’s that bloody, gross-out, exploitation-movie ending. I dont actually think it was as bad as many critics were saying it was? For some reason I was thinking there was gonna be a massacre of the ENTIRE Manson family, which would have been totally out of left-field. But it WAS clearly a stinger of a major tone-shift thrown in as a Fuck You to the ppl who’ve called out his violent and exploitative preferences throughout the years. As for me I generally like his movies and think he’s a great filmmaker but he absolutely does go too far sometimes.

Rick Dalton, in an evening-gown, with a mixer full of iced-margarita in one hand, getting all up in the face of the driver of a loud exhaust-spewing jalope in his PRIVATE STREET was TOTALLY Tarentino himself :| By which I mean NOT ONLY that That’s ABSOLUTELY the sort of cameo he would have given himself 30 years ago and if it made any sort of sense at all in the film(which here it wouldnt have, obvsl), BUT ALSO that I feel 94% confident that Tarentino has actually done that at least once in his lifetime :| :|

I think the monologue&interactions T gives Bruce Lee leading up to the fight were probably more insulting to him than the fight itself. Contrary to popular discussion, it isn’t Pitt’s character totally trashing Lee, he gets in one good throw after Lee repeats a successful attack at his request(which I doubt Lee would have ever done from what little I know about him; not being predictable in a fight was his whole Deal), but rather an even duel between them(most of the fight is just the two blocking each others’ attacks). I dont think the film was trying to say “Lee was full of hot-air”, if it wanted to say that it’d have shown him getting trounced instead of showing him knock Booth down then trade him blow for blow, but more “Lee was pretty arrogant and a bit pretentious”.

OK, that’s abt all that I can think of right now: thanks for reading ^v^

[cozymochi]

How did Yamcha and Marzi reunite?

Short answer: Yamcha runs into her in a remote jungle thanks to rampaging dinosaurs.

Long answer: 

Okay okay, honestly I never told this story before because I couldn’t think of anything that worked properly ever, and yknow after a good 2ish years of having avoided really getting into that, I suppose now is as good a time as any to tie up this gaping loose end. And I’ll start by copying and pasting an icloud note I found that was written back in 2018 that detailed at least half of it, because at this point- I may as well go with this absurd thing instead of having nothing. Past me went into an outline about some kind of story setup but didn’t get to finish the “payoff” per se, because I suppose I thought I would come back to it and add more details later. BUT GUESS WHO DIDN’T BECAUSE I FORGOT??? SO, bear with me under this read more cut. 

(2018 OUTLINE NOTE)

Once upon a time fortuneteller baba held a day where she was telling peoples fortunes (amongst other shit) for free because she lost some kind of vague bet with Master Roshi. Thousands of people show up, and Yamcha is one of those people (along with pu’ar and yantan whom he dragged along). This occurs nearly 8 years after Yantan was spawned into existence.

Yamcha wants to ask Baba about love shit. Cuz oh boy. That love life still ain’t working out. But hell if he knows where to look maybe he’d have better luck. 

Yantan hates her life cuz waiting in line for like 10 hours is actual hell. But so long as she’s fucking there she might as well ask Baba something. Pu’ar is just along for the ride to make concerned quips. (He has nothing to ask he’s just there for moral support) 

MANY HOURS PASS THEY FINALLY REACH BABA and Baba is rightfully pissed. She could’ve been making a lot of money that day, like, the fuck man. Yamcha asks Baba if he’s destined to meet the girl he’d ultimately end up with. 

Baba just says “looks like you already met her.” And Yamcha is just like WAT And Baba is just like “Yeah. You already did. Don’t think u noticed tho. That’s ur own fault.” 

So at this point yamcha is pretty fuckin shook and asKS WHERE SHE’S AT NOW AND WHERE HE CAN MEET HER. And Baba jus denies answering that question and if he wants to ask more shit he better pay up a hundred million zeni. “NEXT.” 

Out of desperation, Yamcha now begs his cynical child to ask Baba about his own bs. Yantan doesn’t want to. They make some kind of deal that i do not know the details of as of yet that ultimately makes Yantan agree to waste her free question about her future on her wacky father. 

So SHE asks where tf Yamcha can meet this lady and Baba reveals her location. THEN THEY IMMEDIATELY FUCKIN LEAVE TO DO JUST THAT. And by “they” i mean Yamcha leaves and Yantan and Pu’ar have to follow behind. #Comedy

So Yamcha ends up in the general area of where this “person” is. It’s off putting a bit - and by a bit I mean A LOT because it’s a frickin’ jungle full of mega-flora and wild animals everywhere- totally the last place any person would be at all. Yamcha ultimately lets that slide. 

Yamcha suddenly freaks out at the realization that hE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT HE’S GONNA SAY and that he really didn’t think any of this through. What SHOULD even say? That he came all the way here to date this woman and come across some kind of weirdo or creep?? And if he already met this person WHEN DID HE MEET THEM? It could literally be any girl he’s ever met in his life. He doesn’t even know her name so how would he know who the right person is?? Amongst a fuckton of other million miles a minute thoughts. 

(2018 OUTLINE NOTE END)

When it comes to that specific set up prior to the jungle, idk if I still wanna follow it. But It’s something. 

Here comes my end of 2019 “I haven’t thought about this in eons” amendment: 

Leaving off of Yamcha’s panic attack I’m pretty sure he and Marzi run into each other via some kind of dinosaur hijinks. I’m pretty sure if memory serves Marzi was TRYING to feed dinosaurs as she usually does (she’s living her life after all), but for some reason on this day she had a technical failure. THIS would also have to serve as Marzi’s first proper introduction ever, so this event would also have to function as a way of establishing who she is as a character as well. God knows what that would entail.

Which, in this situation, she’d mostly come across as a person whose “eyes emoji” appearance doesn’t line up with being in an untamed jungle decking around with a carnivorous and predatory animal. 

The only reason Yams wouldn’t remember meeting her was because their actual first meeting was more of a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it encounter 30 years ago that wasn’t really relevant to his own memory. (Not even worth getting into here tbh, it’s so brief) So, y’know. Fuck you Baba.

It’s hard to say if Marzi herself would recognize Yamcha right away considering the last time she saw him, Yamcha was soft-faced with short hair and all cutesy 21st tournament looking, which THAT to NOW is quite the jump— but rest assured she does. It’s hard to say what her initial reaction would’ve been in response to suddenly running back into your one-sided high school infatuation after 3 decades of absolute radio silence. My mind always pictured some kind of comical reaction. 

Either way, this shit should happen only after the wacky hijinks, because!!! THAT’S THE KIND OF WORLD THIS IS! I wanted a bizarre action set piece that ends comedically quickly because Yamcha essentially has god powers. (WHICH, YEAH. HE DOES. Especially in comparison to how he was in early DB. By this point this guy went from above-average martial arts protégée to full on superhero) If I still had the energy for DB I would have scribbled a possible visual demonstration but, I really doooon’t jgvhgbkhjj

A wise man made this summarizing prediction really and I think this is the best thing to follow: 

“I sort of figured Marzi ran into him one day after everything kind of settled down and he wasn’t dead or in space or something, and there was an awkward period where she wasn’t sure what to do about him being so accessible. And Yamcha didn’t know her well to begin with, so to him she’s just an eligible bachelorette, and he fusses over how to impress her, because he has no idea that she’s been fascinated with him for decades.” - a wise man, 2019.

So yeah. That. 

[queenlua]

radicarian said: how dumb are we talkin'

under a cut because the diehards can’t find me there

(note: um this got long, apparently i have a lot of art-criticism-y thoughts about this)

so there’s this subreddit that was created for “respectful” negative critiques of The Last Jedi, right?

and i find this amusing for a bunch of subtle inside-baseball reasons.

to dump my cards on the table:

* i keep Star Wars discourse at forty-foot-pole length, and

* while i really enjoyed The Last Jedi, and thought it did a lot of interesting things,

* it managed to attract a fanbase that seemed to love it for really dumb/cringe-y lefty/SJ reasons—if i see another “TLJ is about punching nazis” take i will scream, and yet

* of course the haters hated it for even dumber, bad-at-watching-movies reasons (“wah i don’t like that Luke was a depressed old dude wah” omfg y’all do you just want Ep4 re-released forever and ever—okay, yes, that’s what Ep7 was, you’ve made your point)

obviously this “respectful critique” subreddit is more palatable than like, idk, nerds screaming at Disney or whatever, but it embodies this fascinating faux-intellectual discourse that i see creep up time and time again on the internet.  i’m familiar with this subculture because these are totally the forums i would’ve hung out in when i was twelve, haha :P

scroll through the archives and you’ll find endless weird, obsessive, nitpicky critiques of the new movies.  people are salty because some obscure point of Force lore/mythos were rendered inconsistent by the new films, people are salty because Anakin’s sacrifice was “undermined” by the new baddies, and also Rey is a Mary Sue, blah blah...

and it feels like when you’re a kid, and you learn about the list of logical fallacies for the first time, and then spend the next several years pointing out the fallacies in every political debate, as if the problem with election cycles is the words ad hominem and non sequitur.  like, yeah, kinda?  but you are missing the forest for the trees, buddy.

similarly, so often what people assert is “bad writing” is this annoying memetic thing, where one dude launches their contrarian take on Why [X] Sucks, and maybe they’re even right that the piece feels unsatisfying, but often their critique amounts to a bunch of obnoxious nitpicks and checkboxes rather than a compelling narrative of what, on the whole, isn’t working.

but then a bunch of contrarian nerds latch onto that take, and parrot the same boring nitpicks back at each other forever, and because they’re being “contrarian”, they’re convinced that they’re Smarter Than Those Other People, and they end up forming a whole weird negging version of the fandom based around pseudo-intellectual gamesmanship.

and again: i get it.  i wrote my fuckin’ 80-page takedown of every single page of Eragon as a twelve-year-old, i get why people find it fun, i’ve engaged in my share of it over the years, but nowadays it just bores me.

in general, as i’ve gotten older, i increasingly cringe whenever someone describes something as “categorically bad game design” or “bad writing” or whatever—not because i think all writing is equally good; of course it isn’t.  but, (1) usually other adjectives are so much better for describing what exactly is happening—writing can be subdued, flat, frenetic, brash, stilted, hollow, uneven, etc, and these all tell you so much more than “dumb” or “stupid” or “illogical” or “bad”.  and (2) other descriptions often give a better sense of what was being attempted, so you can actually judge the piece by what it was aiming for—and sometimes, the answer is “this isn’t bad, it just wasn’t meant for you,” a thing that fans often find intolerable but i think is actually kind of neat.  (random example: ff13 was not flawed merely because it lacked open-world exploration.  it was trying to tell a different story and give a different experience, and you can have an interesting discussion about whether that experience works, but if you spent the whole time being pissed that it’s not ff7 then of course you’ll hate it.)  and finally (3) the rare stuff that i just find bad bad bad is usually not worth raging about at any particular length.   i don’t learn much or feel good about doing exhaustive takedowns of every Eragon-tier novel on the market; i haven’t even got enough time to read all the good stuff.

(as a sidebar, you’ll notice that very little of my engagement in fandom is via “meta” essays, and this is kind of why—while there’s lots of interesting and wonderful meta that i adore reading, i’m personally uncomfortable writing it, because so often it gets embroiled in these weird fanwarish arguments about “good writing” and i just disengage.

the nice thing about writing fanfic is that it often embeds my feelings about the piece i’m responding to—but in a way that isn’t an argument or a game, it’s a here’s how this worked for me & how it made me feel, and you can write both fanfic that’s furious at canon and fanfic that’s elated with canon while still having something compelling and interesting and new to say, i guess.)

for another perspective on it: one of my favorite takes on TLJ was from a friend of mine, who was pissed because to her, it felt half-assed.  it tried to do something bold, but flinched at the last moment: it didn’t go far enough to truly be a subversive weird arthouse film, nor did it nail any of the fun popcorn-cinema things you want from a blockbuster, and thus it failed at both.

that’s a fascinating perspective, one i don’t share but one i’m very glad to hear about.  but i assure you that that’s not a take you’ll ever see posted on that subreddit, because it’s just a totally different tenor than the obsessive, nitpicky arguments they’d rather have.

and i find the “forum debate” style of argument staggeringly emotionally tone-deaf at times—like, here’s someone pissed that Rey somehow didn’t try hard enough to redeem Kylo in TLJ and that’s what made it bad, and just, wow.  if you couldn’t hear—feel—the heartbreak in Rey’s voice when she says “please don’t go this way,” if it didn’t remind you of a time when someone let you down in the most brutal possible way, if you didn’t feel that moment of “oh, fuck, this isn’t what i thought it’d be”—then idk.  uncharitably, i’d say you’re just going out of your way to be annoyed over even the bits that really really worked—but at the very least we’re just not really relating to this piece in an emotionally compatible way at all and our conversation stops there.

anyway, yeah!!! tl;dr sometimes i pass the time by eating popcorn and watching nerds who assert they are Better Than Other Nerds doing “takedowns,” basically

[merlinthoughts]

Season 1 Episode 2 - Valiant

- ik for a fact that this one is the episode with the asshhoole. not bc i recognised it from the title but perhaps it was because i recognised it from the title u got me there

- i always go to mr clean too when i want protection, val, ur not alone

- yeah, this is harry potter l ma o

- the next thing u know theres a stone that makes arthur live forever and the snakes start joining into one and growing bigger until a phoenix (im dibbing on kilgie here), pops their corneas out

- DAMN DON'T KILL UR DEALER WHERE U GONNA GET THE NEW SHIT FROM NEXT TIME SMH VALIANT

- okay but who names their son valiant

- he was probably named valerie and didnt like it so he said “woah imma be valiant like courage, thats sick”

- that was probably his superhero persona as a child ngl

- no, shev, no respect for val stop doing this

- merlin in armour, what a fucking bLESiSNG GIVING ME THIS RIGHT ON THE SPOT BBC KNOWS WHATS GOOD

- ok a y but hear me out, merlins a servant. i have not seen any of these servants been asked to train with the royals??? like in the sense where it helps the servant train as well?? and the FIRST thing arthur does with merlin as his servant is train with him. not only is arthur a huge JOCK, he’s not using his manservant properly

- neverfuckingmind “most servants collapse after the first blow”, so it seems to be arthur likes to train with his servants. now that in itself is a question to be asked, but is he the only royal who trains with his servants??? how did this man survive on his own without a personal servant until merlin??? did he have a personal servant??? was it just regular servants?? who are those other servants he trained with??? did arthur just say hey lets go to the field in the morning, put on armour and let’s have a fun time?? UNLESS merlin literally just took someones job away from them kmao

- also my mind went right to the gutter guys, ngl, it sounded like an innuendo. it had me quaking i wish i was one of those servants

- “we all have our duties, even arthur” “it must be so tough for him, all the *hesitates* girl, all the glory”

- so we probably get at least 1 out of every 2 episodes where there’s a scene with merlin dressing arthur in his armour. bring the popcorn, lads.

- MORGANA LOOKING LIKE A FRICKEN SNACK

- the reigning champion is arthur, wonder fucking w h y

- valiant is in fucking mustard, while arthur is fucking ketchup idk why i thought of that but it happened. my literature teacher always told me to look for symbolisms. guess we found one guys.

- merlin after hating on arthur for the past episode is literally just cheering arthur on like a good husband he is

- did ARTHUR JUST SNICKER AT MERLINS “CREEP” LMAO DON'T TRY AND HIDE IT BY HUFFING AT HIM AFTERWARDS YOU FUCKING GOOF

- omg he hid it by telling merlin to do a full novel of chores

- AND MERLIN DOES IT WITH MAGIC A PAIR OF GOOFS

-  “are you using magic again” “no” merlin ffs he just saw you use magic, while the items fell and landed right in front of him while you didn’t move at aLL. they are nOT BLIND

- “very aggressive style” I MEAN SURE UTHER

- valerie be fuckboying morgana lmao with a “i saw you watching” and a, “then i will give everything to win the tournament”

- i wish this show was set in the early 2000s so i can see val in low sweatpants, a backwards cap with gelled spiky hair and cheap neon sunglasses (maybe even some gold teeth just for kicks), while hes trying to rap 50 cents or make a mixtape of brit pop songs. bc yes.

- honestly im loving my 2000 fuckboy au. gonna make an ao3 after this.

- of course merlin would be the one to find out the magic shit in valiants room, it just lures him. AND OF COURSE VALIANT IS THERE

- i'm so fucking glad arthur looks confused as to how merlin did what he asked. when u have this kind of hubby, arthur, its amazing what things he can do.

- i dont know why theres dramatic music as merlin put armour on arthur but im living for it

- “is it my imagination or are you beginning to enjoy yourself?” merlin doesn't know what to say to that bc he’s turning gay and doesn't know if that counts as enjoying oneself when the one you are gay for is the asshole prince

- typically enough, valiant and arthur never fight except for the finale. like with all conveniences in place, youd expect them to have at least fought at some point with as much knights as there to determine the final two but no, just the finale. k.

- this poor fucking purple knighted bloke didn’t need to be fucking demonstrated on, val. like you didn't need to kill him?? that could have blown ur cover

- DID NOBODY SEE THAT??? DID NOBODY SEE THE FUCKING SNAKES???

- oooh merlin found out what happened everyone gonna be fucked. nobody harms arthur is he has something to say about it

- if someone starts off a sentence with “i just saw someones snakes on their shield come alive” nobody would fucking believe you, merls. but given the fact that magic exist… mhh maybe it wouldn’t be too absurd. but ppl apparently are thick as hell

- “why were you in his chambers” well i know how id explain if i was in valiants chambers ;)

- jk i dont fall for this toxic shit

- imagine getting paid as an actor just just lie down there like this poisoned kid. “yeah, id like to audition for ewan’s role???” “why are you lying on the ground?”

- i hate those tropes where it's like “i know how to tell someones bad, here’s proof” and then nobody believes you and tells you you’re lying and should die or whatever but then you kNOW IT'S THE FUCKIN TRUTH BITCH that trope gives me damn anxiety >:((

- yes merlin, fucking slash the shield with your sword. i'm sure that's how it works. im sure it will kill the snakes.

- HOWA RE THE SNAKES ALIVE WITHOUT VAL SAYING “ISHNAHASHAHI”

- i think val would know that you cut off the snake’s head, merls, just saying. ur were the oNLY ONE.

- TELL ARTHUR WHAT??? “I CUT A SNAKE”

- EXACLTY ONG THAT'S WHAT MERLIN FUCKING SAID I WAS RIGHT LMAO

- ARTHUR BELEIVED HIM I'M FUCKING LIVING BUT IK WHAT HAPPENS AND AHH

- uhhh the anxiety is rolling up boys

- ewan is mcfuckingdead

- snake be sliding in like a hoe on a business

- bfehfjdjfskf i hate this part

- arthur's pride, merlin’s pride, fuck me

- i'm not even gonna write this part, it breaks my fragile heart when arthur sees the look of people not believing him, especially his dad, and merlin seeing how arthur doesn't trust him anymore like prepare the eulogies girlies

- okay but if arthur is struck and gaius has the antidote?? arthur aint gonna die technically

- but now val knows merlin knows

- AND MERLIN INTERVENES

- why are royals so bitchy towards servants. like they do their best to help you??? they are loyal to you and are paid there to serve you and are often very kind, generous, passive, understanding people??? yet merlin interrupts uther and he fucking sends him to the pit

- VAL YOU ASS LMAO DON'T HURT MY SON’S PRIDE

- he said allegations like four times, yes uther we know ur vocab is shining with intellect but seriously, there’s other synonyms that could still be acceptable and still sound fancy

- quick search on google bc my mind doesnt roll fast enough: claim, assertion, charge, accusation, declaration, statement, contention, deposition, argument, affirmation. see daddy uther, not hard to look up.

- forget they didnt have internet whoopsies

- :((( arthur doesn't trust merlin anymore

- the husbands FIGHT

- not just a banter petty fight, this is a huge fight

- SACKING MERLIN DON'T FUCKING SACK MERLIN YOU GOOF

- TRUST UR HUBBY

- FUCK

- I'M GONNA CRY AND IT'S ONLY EPISODE TWO

- I'M HAVING EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS CONCERNING MY TWO BOYS

- GUYS IM NOT OKAy

- its been 2 minutes after i wrote that last sentence, and i am now okay

- “a half cannot truly hate that which makes it whole” iconic as hell. so many things could be said about that quote. either for innuendo purposes, love purposes, destiny purposes, how long it took me to say it right, just so many purposes man. it’s just iconic.

- merlin looks absolutely done with kilgaharama’s shit

- “just give me a straight answer” seems like kilgarass here is being too gay for merlin

- gwen already knows merlin’s the heroin of the series, saying everyone knows it's merlin who will save the day. but same tbh

- i dunno if this is like me or not but it says her nickname is gwyn in the subtitles but im typing it as gwen which i thought was how u wrote it, even if her full name is gwynevere but like gwen has a ring to it while gwyn sounds like gwin or smth and i dunno which one is right so ill just leave it alone ahjsjfk

- MORGANA HAS VISIONS WE ALREADY KNOW WHERE THIS GOES SHES MAGIC ISNT SHE HAHAHAHAUHD

- merlin trying one last time to convince his husband not to die, but at least this time arthur knows he’s up for val’s magic and is like “k iloveyou but i have to do this for the country not just bc of pride and thinking val is not magic”

- staring into the fire like he’s hoping it would suck him up into the void, not only is merlin a now confirmed emo, so is fucking arthur it seems. perfect for one another i'm telling you

- eerie music as morgana enters… wha suddenly i can't read

- i thought at first morgana and arthur were gonna end up together cause of the fucking weird tension going on and i was prepared to be disfuckinggusted but no! the show and producers actually put my expectations away and helped me see that it wasn’t going in that direction! thank fucking god! 

- k but arthur looks majestic in his gear im just a huge bi

- “don’t go into my room” he says then gaius peaks in and almost gets mauled by a large chihuahua

- me too val, id step on someone's toes then fuck them up with an undercut. thats the bad bitch way to go. unless it for arthur, then val hahaha you can go fuck yourself

- no one sees mErLin??

- but they now see the snakes smh fakes

- “what are you doing? i didn't summon you” i don't think that will work val cause you didn't say it with a serpent tongue, it has to sound more like “shhashhwhat ahhssare hiisssyou iisshhaadoing?”

- okay but i thought arthur was impaled for a half second until he started to talk then i screamed that he was aight and he would now believe merlin

- uther better give merlin an apology

- arthur just said he wouldnt

- but still uther BETTER APOLOGISE TO FUCKING MERLIN

- “yknow i wish valiant was escorting me” “me too” i thought for a fricken moment arthur wished valiant would have escorted HIM. i'm dying.OMG

- “i wanted to say i made a mistake. it was unfair to sack you.” “don’t worry about it. buy me a drink and we’ll call it even.” DID YOU JUST SAY WHAT I THINK YOU JUST SAID MERLIN YOU SLY DOG OMG

- “i can’t really be seen to be buying drinks for my servant.” so if he wasn’t ur servant?? you’d say yes?? they are so fucking gay i can't anymore

- yeah, i literally fucking can't

[a-splash-of-stucky]

In Sickness and In Health

Pairings: Steve x Reader

Summary: You’re sick, but for a very good reason.

Warnings: Vomiting and generally being ill. Implied/referenced smut.

Notes: Wrote this on a train, sorry if it’s crap (I was sleep-deprived and in a funny mood). Written for @supersoldierslover’s 3k writing challenge, with the prompt ‘taking care of each other whilst sick’.

also — there was a long period of time between me writing this and me editing it and man. Lemme tell you, I cracked myself up a few times (is that lame? idk) re-reading it.

My Masterlist

To get out of bed or to stay in bed, that is the question, you muse. It’s a hard decision you have to make.

“Fuckin’ butcherin’ Shakespeare, I’m that delirious,” you grumble, to no one in particular.

You’re curled up on your side underneath a fluffy blanket, despite the fact that it’s almost noon. You haven’t had a shower in—an unreasonably long amount of time, goodness, you don’t even want to think about how long it’s ben. You’re wearing your rattiest pair of pyjama shorts and an old t-shirt of your husband’s. In short, you look — and feel — like shit.

You’ve been feeling horribly nauseous. The dreaded queasiness has been plaguing you for the past couple of days, lingering in the back of your throat like an itch you can’t get rid of. A sickening feeling is beginning to creep into your mouth; the urge to hurl is present, but not yet imminent. Although, you’re fairly certain that with the way things have been going lately, you’ll be puking your guts out in no time.

The issue here is the fact that your limbs have basically been reduced to wobbly noodles. You don’t think you have it in you to roll over to the edge of the bed and throw up in the conveniently placed bucket, let alone stagger into the bathroom to puke into the toilet. Earlier this morning, you’d tried standing up, intending to go downstairs for some breakfast, only to find yourself swaying on two feet and collapsing onto the bed from sudden dizziness.

You sigh tiredly as you wallow in a pool of self-pity. Being sick fucking sucks.

It is at that moment that you hear the front door of your apartment creaking open. Heavy footsteps come next, thudding into the hallway. Keys jangle as they’re set onto the counter.

“Steve?” you groan.

Your husband materialises in the doorway of the bedroom, a plastic bag in one hand, his jacket in the other.

“Hey there, sweetheart,” Steve murmurs, eyes going all soft and concerned as he takes in your current situation — buried under the blanket, your hair in a mess and a positively miserable expression on your face.

“It’s real bad, huh, baby?” he asks, draping his jacket over the desk chair as he approaches the bed. Steve crouches down beside you, so that his handsome — unfairly handsome, Steven why are you like this? — face is level with yours.

“Think m’gonna be sick again,” you mumble.

Steve’s eyebrows quirk up in understanding.

“Need me to carry you?” he asks. You manage to nod your head, even in your weakened state.

Steve straightens up and leans over you to help unwrap the blanket from your body. He gets one arm underneath your knees and the other around your shoulders, holding you in a sure, secure grip, as if you weigh nothing at all. Your husband whisks you into the ensuite and gently deposits you beside the toilet. You manage to muster up enough arm-leg coordination to arrange your body over the bowl as the first tremors roll through you.

There’s not much strength in you, having been up most of the night in this exact same spot, doing basically the exact same thing. You heave an retch weakly, your entire body quaking as you puke out the half-a-slice of toast you’d had for breakfast. All throughout the unglamorous ordeal, Steve stays by your side, one hand rubbing soothing circles over your back, the other brushing your hair away from your face. He murmurs calming words into your ear that get drowned out by the unrelenting roar of your pulse.

When the bout is over, you slump against the wall beside the toilet, bringing your knees to your chest and resting your forehead on top of them. The dizzying sensation is still pulsing behind your temples so you close your eyes and force yourself to take deep breaths through your mouth, in order to steady yourself. You hear Steve standing up and flushing the toilet, before striding out of the bathroom.

He’s back a few seconds later, though, before you even get a chance to call out for him. You feel — rather than see — him sitting down in front of you. The soft crinkling and rustling of plastic tells you the purpose of his short trip to the bedroom. You hear a sharp snapping noise, then feels Steve’s fingers touching the back of your hand.

“Here, baby, drink this,” Steve says softly. You lift your head up and look at him through bleary eyes. Steve’s bringing a bottle to your lips, an encouraging smile on his face. You squint at the contents of the bottle suspiciously; it’s filled with an unnervingly bright orange-coloured liquid.

“S’just an energy drink,” he explains, “To replenish your electrolytes.”

You shrug indifferently, leaning your head forward. At least the thing has a sports top. You take several large sips, savouring the way the chilled liquid soothes the slight burn irritating your throat that comes with puking your guts out. It’s also unbearably sweet, but at least that has the advantage of chasing away the horrible aftertaste of vomit.

Out of the corner of your eye, you spot a small pink and white box poking out of the plastic bag. As Steve re-caps the bottle and sets it aside, you reach out a hand to inspect the box. What it says on the front makes your heart do uncontrolled leaps.

“Steve?” you breathe.

“Hmm?”

“What is this?” you ask, turning the box in your hand.

A scarlet flush spreads over Steve’s face, spreading from the roots of his hair, to the tips of his ears and even down his neck. He scratches the back of his head sheepishly. “Um, look, I—I told the lady at the counter your symptoms, to get you some meds, and she was askin’ me questions about what you’ve been doing these past couple’a days, and…and well, she thought it might be worth taking…one,” he finishes lamely, gesturing awkwardly to the box in your hand.

“She thinks I might be pregnant?” you breathe incredulously, looking down at the pregnancy test in your hand in disbelief.

To be fair, this is not a wholly impossible explanation. Lately, you and Steve have been a lot lazier with regards to protection and, now that you think about it, your period might be a little bit late. Then again, your cycle has a tendency to be irregular at awkward times, so who are you to know these things?

“She…well, she said it couldn’t hurt to buy one,” Steve mutters, shifting uncomfortably on his haunches as he sets the energy drink back into the plastic bag. “Look, if you’d rather not—,”

“No, no,” you protest, flapping him away with one hand as you crack the box open with your other. “S’worth a try.”

You break open the seal, then tip out the contents of the box; a pee-on-a-stick test and a small instruction pamphlet. You skin through the pictures, your brows furrowed and your lips caught between your teeth. In your peripheral vision, you can see your husband trying to not let his nerves show.

The process seem simple enough, you muse. Pee on the stick, cap it, then wait three minute before reading the result. Standard. You’ve never taken a pregnancy test before, and you can’t help but feel a little bit excited as to what the result might be.

“D’you want me to…y’know what? I’ll wait outside,” Steve decides, as he pushes himself to his feet. You hold your hands out and shoot him your best puppy-dog look. Steve chuckles, shaking his head in amusement as he grasps your wrists and pulls you up in one smooth movement. Before he lets you go, Steve throws his arms around your waist and pulls you to his chest.

“I love you,” he breathes, pressing a tender kiss to the middle of your forehead. He’s got a dopey grin on his face that he can’t seem to get rid off — but to be fair, you’re pretty sure that you’re not much better. The excitement is making him almost buzz out of his skin.

“Honey, we don’t even know if I’m pregnant yet!” you laugh, playfully wriggling in his grip.

“I know,” he murmurs, finally letting you go. He bends down to pick the plastic bag up again. When he straightens, he flashes you that killer smile, “I still love you, though.”

“Sap,” you tease, sticking your tongue out when Steve makes a wounded face. “Shoo!” you order, prodding him in the shoulder to get him moving, “Let me pee in peace.”

Steve guffaws, eyes crinkling at the corners and hand reaching up to clutch his left pec as he walks backwards out of the bathroom. You giggle as you watch him leave, wondering how on earth you landed yourself this dork. Once he’s gone, you pull down your sleep shorts, take an unnecessarily dramatic breath, then sit on the toilet to take a test whose results could very well change life as you know it.

Being sick makes you something of a drama queen, it seems.

As per the instructions on the pamphlet, once you’ve saturated the tip on your urine, you replace the cap, then set it on the bathroom counter on top of some folded tissue paper — pointedly not looking at the small window where two pink lines may or may not appear in a few minutes time. You wash your hands, then head into the bedroom, where Steve is waiting.

He’s sat on the edge of the bed wearing a hopeful expression on his face. His thighs are spread apart and his elbows are on his knees.

“Got three minutes to wait,” you announce, your gaze flicking to the digital alarm clock you keep on the bedside table. Steve nods, sitting up straighter and holding his arms out in invitation. You smile brightly, sauntering over and perching yourself in his lap. His strong arms encircle you, pulling you close. Steve rests his chin on top of your head and sighs quietly.

“I’m a little nervous,” he admits, voice low and quiet.

“Me too,” you breathe, your fingers idly tracing the geometric design on the front of his t-shirt.

It’s quite possibly the longest three minutes you’ve ever had to wait out.

(Okay, being sick definitely makes you more of a drama queen).

Everyone probably says that kind of thing when they’re waiting for something as momentous and potentially life-changing as this, but still. Time is a cruel fiend, slowing itself down when all you want is to know right now. You find your gaze drifting over to the clock more often than not.

That’s doing absolutely nothing to calm the butterflies fluttering like madmen in your stomach. Or maybe, that’s just the nausea acting up again. No, no — definitely nerves.

“‘Kay,” you say, twisting out of Steve’s grip and getting to your feet when the time is — finally — up. “You comin’ with?” you ask, holding a hand out for Steve to take.

He regards it, swallows nervously, then shakes his head. “I’m gonna wait here,” he says resolutely, folding his arms over his muscled chest and tipping his chin up to look at you. “You get to tell me what the results are.”

“Just an excuse for bein’ lazy,” you say under your breath, as you turn to head into the bathroom. Steve snorts indignantly, forcing you to stifle a chuckle — enhanced hearing; of course he caught  that.

The next few seconds pass by in a surreal blur. One moment you’re walking into the bathroom, the next moment you’re staring at the pregnancy test on the counter and seeing two bright pink lines staring back at you.

Your heart stops.

You’re not sure whether the urge to scream or the urge to bawl is stronger — torn in its indecision, your body winds up doing neither, choosing to freeze in shock, instead.

It’s quite possible that for a few seconds, your lungs stop working.  

“Sweetheart?” Steve calls, “You okay?”

“Y-yeah,” you reply, your mouth finally remembering how to make words come out. Your muscles are acting like they’re paralysed — no matter how hard you command them to move, you’re stuck in the same spot.

You’ve no idea how much time passes, but it’s clearly long enough to make Steve concerned. He strides into the room, all purposeful and determined, though you can see the hesitation and apprehension in his eyes. Steve comes up behind you, hands tentatively resting on your waist.

“Baby?” he asks softly, nose brushing along the column of your neck.

“H-hey, honey,” you choke out, voice becoming hoarse tears unexpectedly bubble to the surface. “You ready to follow me into the jaws of parenthood?”

Steve inhales sharply. His grip on your waist tightens almost imperceptibly. An unbearably long silence passes. “You’re serious?” he breathes, the shock evident in his tone.

“Uh-huh,” you reply, turning in his arms so that the two of you are face to face. Steve’s expression is a curious mixture of shock, fear and excitement. He breaks out into a huge grin when his eyes lock onto yours.

“You’re pregnant?” he asks softly, one hand coming to rest on your belly.

“Yeah,” you reply, your voice breathless as a fat tear rolls down your face. “We’re pregnant, honey. You’re gonna be a dad. You’re gonna be a daddy!”

A pause, then, “Already am,” Steve jokes, one eyebrow quirking up smugly. You roll your eyes, about to make some witty retort, but Steve’s already pulling you closer, the grin on his face threatening to outshine the sun.

“Holy shit,” he says. “Holy shit, we’re gonna be parents!” he cries exultantly, picking you up and spinning you around in a circle. You squeal, playfully thrashing in his grip until he sets you down on your feet again.

“We’re gonna be parents, sweetheart,” Steve repeats, his hands travelling up and down your body as if he still hasn’t wrapped his head around the thought. “Oh, you’re gonna get all round and—,” Steve cuts himself off, turning away as a slight flush blooms over the apples of his cheeks.

You know what that means. When your husband gets embarrassed, his face turns as red as a tomato, flushing all over. When he gets aroused however, that’s when he starts looking all bashful and shy like this.

“And what, Stevie?” you tease, poking him in the bicep. “Round and what?”

“Nothin’,” he mutters, running a hand through his hair, messing it up.

“Bullshit, Rogers,” you say, grabbing his wrist and pulling him towards you, bringing Steve down to your eye-level, forcing him to meet your gaze.

“I—um. I just realised that you’re gonna look real round when you’re pregnant,” Steve says, trying valiantly to remain calm.

You blink slowly, confused. “That’s…that’s the point, honey.”

“And I just realised how sexy that’s gonna be,” he blurts, eyes wide and cheeks flaming red.

Your expression turns coy as you bat your lashes seductively. “Oooooh, Steven, I didn’t know you had a pregnancy kink,” you purr, looping your arms around his neck and leaning up on your toes to press a kiss to the corner of his lips.

“Neither did I,” Steve admits gruffly, his hands dropping down to cup your ass. “Kinda lookin’ forward to explorin’ that a bit, though,” he whispers, voice dropping an octave lower, turning all husky and rough the way you love.

You can’t really focus on that right now, however.

“Hold up, babe,” you gasp, hurriedly pushing away from him, twisting and dropping to your knees in front of the toilet again as the urge to hurl comes rushing back at full force.

“Oh—okay, let me—,” Steve mutters, crouching down by your side to support you. You retch violently, forcing some a meagre dribble of liquid out of your system.

“Just think, honey!” Steve chirps, as he pets your hair affectionately, “At least there’s a purpose to all this!”

“Oh, fuck you,” you groan, as another shuddering heave wracks through your system.

“You did,” Steve says, tone solemn. “That’s how you got pregnant in the first place.”

You bark out a laugh. “You’re gonna be one of those dads with the worse dad jokes ever,” you grumble, your voice coming out sounding much fonder than you want it to.

“And you’re gonna love me for it,” Steve whispers contritely.

He’s right.

You probably will.

[badepitaph]

General,

post.

I need to push through this. I'm a hair away of dropping everything again. It's that time of the year unfortunately. Same damn cycle creeps up on me, heavy enough to change drasticly.

I'm done with this town. I'm done with these people. Too many try to pry and it only makes me look more of an ass than i really am. I want silence. I want to pride myself in my work. Not kneeled over a cliff overlooking my demise.

Meh. I want to get over it all. I don't feel like anything I do is worth it. Just a waste of energy. A waste a breath.

I miss nature. I miss conjuring inspiration from it. I've let myself get flooded in so many other things, that I've mute my senses. Funny thing is, muting things doesn't banish them. They're still visually there, but distanced enough to diminish it.

Annoyingly, envy has been the dominant feeling these past couple of months. I've grown pretty fuckin tired of women. There is always a constant flow of emotions and contemplation. Very rarely an actual restful/ peaceful moment. At the end of the day, I'm simple minded with simple needs. But some of these girls just drag that out and mush it into the dirt. They try too hard to understand. They want to be there. Why? Is that your sense of accomplishment? That your foreethoughts would be favored by men? It's a nuisance.

And yet, there I go letting them open the door. What they see is different what is actually there. And maybe that's where the envy comes in. I try to love and appreciate on my own ways, and it almost entirely gets disregarded. Which is fine, but I then watch them become overrun with so much! Boys, sex, drugs, alcohol, etc. Not in the out of hand party crap. But a succumbed state of mind. Where I thought I was genuine and honest, they want a more thrilling(?) Or Adventurous life? Maybe just the moment of it? Does anybody actually want to commit to that?

Idk. I guess tldr: I'm jealous that others' minimal efforts go a lot farther than my outlandish efforts.

Bwah. I guess I'm not good at this life shit. Hmph. lol

[peace-and-disquiet]

Ignore this

First One Hello Second Purgatory and all the shit Third one Why are movies so like under like a man thing is it because they like to look at things more? Women edits the film Bisexuality- several definitions Bisexuality-negative stereotypes NOPE bisexuslity-what it actually is I like being sick because it's a physical representation of what is going on in my brain. People can finally see that there is something wrong. They cant just take my word for it and they won't be able to see the inner workings of my brain. I like being sick because I know there's something wrong and at least it's on the outside now. Intelligent fools I'm high on devotion "Be happy please" -Roman I'm so ironic A girl with commitment issues that wants tattoos You want me to be as flat as Texas but I am like the rolling hills of California Nothing more mostly yes You taught me how to love and lose myself I don't know who I am or where I belong you took that away so just find a place for me to stay La La Land Short film from kid perspective only see legs moving and audio While taking off from LAX I was looking out the window and it hit me. I flew over the place that I've lived my whole life in. The place that will be hard to escape. It was almost tear dropping. But then I remembered, I remembered everything. This place looked so beautiful from above with the lights shining and it being so untouchable, but it's terrifyingly devastating how horrible it is once you land. Once you leave the airport and go back to your life. And it made me realize that it is like that everywhere, no matter where I go it will be like that. There really is no happy place anywhere. Then I looked again and I remembered the places where I had the greatest memories and met the greatest people. Despite the extensive amount of bad in the world these places still shown through. It made me love these memories twice as more. Look again. sockhead: Two people on couch one gets up to grab water and walks over to box and empties it out and puts it on head then walks back to couch sits looks at other person gets up paces walks funny turns around does a spin and walks to other person and says "would you like a dance" "Look at this post Your battery percentage is the age you lose your virginity What's yours at *pulls out phone* lmao it's at 16 and I'm 16 Exactly" And you can tell what happens next First scene is someone people watching and them getting stuck on one person and they go to their friend and is like "I was people watching but I got stuck on this one person *describes*" "Who is my someone in the crowd?..hmmm... WHERE IS MY SOMEONE IN THE CROWD HUH WHERE ARE THEY *cries*" Idk that's usually what I say when I want the world to fuck off Future short film: Foggy (silent) Trust goes both ways -rogue one Let's tell him how much we love him Falling in love with some is loving a person so rapidly, you just figure out the person automatically basically. Falling in love with someone gradually is the best feeling because you never know what is coming or what you feel. Once you know what it is you either regret it or embrace it. Nothing can ever be that perfect. That's what makes it beautiful Your voice is like a lullaby Scene or picture: All kinds of couples kissing in front of the Hollywood sign All cute and poop and then boom It's a misconception of a heart... I don't like misconceptions. I no longer fear death because I know that when I die it means that I am being taken out of this world because I have fulfilled my sole purpose so there is no point in me being here anymore. So Roman you and Irene are hanging out at some place together and you guys are left alone cuz Roman had to go somewhere but Irene looks at you all mad but as she pounces on you, you start making out... Irene only dated Roman to get to izzy Most underrated scene: when someone is going through something and they kick something and more stuff comes down Well shit Google translate to I Love You Use human nature in short film with ending like bad things (one person turns around) or in any love short film Covers: Secrets What a wonderful world Fly me to the moon Breaking Free w/ Roman Something New w/ Roman Creep Walt Disney is evil "The hardest part is the fact that I would do it all again" Oh you don't know me until you've seen cry about a boy cuz there's hurt in the world oh you don't know me No matter how much you wanna forget how much you loved someone because it hurts you would still do it all again "I mean when I love I love hard ya know" "It excites me that one day I will just leave" "The idea of running away intrigues me" I was too scared to love her If I lived in the places where my parents are from I would have the almost ideal body type but no I live in Cali where it's filled with impossible goals but hey even over there the goals are still impossible but society loves telling women all over the world that they have to look a certain way to be beautiful or to have people be attracted to them but hey we can't really do shit about it cuz it already affected our generation but we can help stop it for our kids or grandkids cuz it's fuckin unbearable Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one improvising Lets say all the things we never said I'm under my bed the scary man is in my head I love you Alex I love you and I fuckingn hate you -OITNB Sock head:can it go in notes? Song for girl You're a cool hat because you go over people's head Mom:I better not get a grandchild anytime soon Me:well that ain't gonna happen cuz one of us is gay and the other one sucks at getting into relationships "Ask no questions and you'll be told no lies" -Charles Dickens The city Sock head *kissing* *pulls away just a bit* what are we doing? Idk Okay *continues* You kick it up but it comes back down with more crap I have to go see about a girl -Good Will Hunting My whole life I was told to just slap a smile on and don't feel only be happy and normal but as I got older I realized that the beauty and meaning in life is feeling. The smile was still there but only when I meant it so it became more special. For once I was truly happy and had real friends. It's insane the things we're taught as kids because they really hold us back from life. Unreasonably obsessed You've made it-engaged-reality-join-idealize Love-laughter-talk They say the best way to move on is to let go as if letting go is the easiest part To house cats their home is their earth Seventeen Laying down staring up camera in front first scene rest shows how the person should change but last scene is same thing Walking out of house furious walking swamp scene Last first kiss Ten Commandments of film Prince Charming would never settle for you-bo burnham Beatify=violent Some Future stranger I got my mom a mug on her birthday she got a mugshot on mine It was something...a great story...just not a novel (it's not a poem) Life really does teach you how to live it if you live long enough Gentlemen you can't fight in here this is the war room -Dr Strange Love CURRENT Perspective What is it exactly that you see in this (July 7th) TATTOOS Music passage on rib cage (Creep) 28, 3, 10, 4, 7, 8 on forearm like it would show up on fortune cookie Equal sign behind ear Music not thumb Lame on middle finger w/Amanda Let life be A-live Aliento Love only Simplicity Not enough to time for time outs (tattoo and idea) Perspective tattoo Three spiral tattoo Pulse tattoo Viking symbol tattoo Roman Numerals (18) (17) Passion Now Ellipses Semi colon Vegvisir compass Hakuna Matata symbol Arrows Music note Bicycle Faceless cat tattoo or cat tattoo Moon tattoo Tree tattoo ™ tattoo Equality (two lines) & City outline tattoo Silhouette Parentheses FILM TITLES In the eventual reality It's not the first time someone has walked away from something beautiful It's Not a Poem (film idea sammy) Person thinks that they're in love but the other one is like "hey reality" etc. People who fear death die everyday people who don't die only on one day-Julius Ceaser The light at the end of the tunnel is behind us It's still real (film idea) Because The Movie Ends (film idea)NAH What's your mentality Do you need the past to have a future Do you need a future to have a past Right answer:You need the now to have anything SONGS We're falling apart together Le-e-E-t meeee lovvvee youuuu Sock head We're just PG-13 (idea) Lost stars One piano hit City Oauahhhhhohhhh Stars Music Headphones Pearls=lights Let me be afraid Light bulb lantern sleep eat Connected Flowin rivers Whimsical Running through the flowers falling for the hours oh time goes on no mercy for the broken Caannnn iiiii SEEE tonight Ohhhh dreeeaammsw tooo faarrrr rreeaacchh dying slowly aging with faces taking the lights breaking it down Falling towards nothing but it feels like something Candle Julius Ceaser Kissing on a grave yard Wrinkled hearts fading spades Numerology Crumbs I feel so bad I broke a plastic man SCENES Camera on girl calm face then she winces and starts screaming FIGHT BACK *pause* FIGHHT BACK *pause* then the camera goes to the side girl is looking in mirror *full mirror shot* as girl screams (score is like insane and then is white noise as she screams then like a gust of wind as the scene cuts) Car crash two people in car siblings scene goes Car flipping silence car flipping silence car flipping silence car flipping silence for slightly longer then one of the siblings waking up like the car hit the floor and looks at dead siblings wide eyes swallows crawls out of window looks at car wide eyed turns around looks at people getting out of their car wide eyed then walks limping and dripping blood maybe possibly when far away from camera just dropping dead (either ending or beginning) RANDOM IDEAS 818-fuc koff Kissing on a graveyard I can feel myself falling as I lay on the floor Death is the hour of life You're in a cage-what cage?-life You can't come to terms with reality reality comes to terms with you I'm addicted to addiction I wanna try acid you? I wanna try cigarettes well that's boring Doing drugs in front of chuck e cheese The extra that no one notices If I wanted somebody to die I would've killed them myself Meaningful regrets You know when people jump off a bridge to commit suicide well when they fall into the water they slowly float past the other uncared for yet loved souls This guy fucks a manikin and then he dates this girl and she's like a manikin She graduated from being raped to being murdered Why should I die? I'm not the asshole The Public:They like you they dislike you they hate they want to kill you they love you You know me in your marrow The fact is that it The unlikely couple Emails what a bunch of load of shit Is it that I people care for a little bit or is it that they just don't care How long do we have to deal with this? Till we don't "There's no such thing as the past when you haven't had a future" I've realized that there is nothing telling me yes but you Ankh Fuck shit you Life Death Truth Lies Don't you wish that there was a way to know you were in the good ol days before you left them I wish there was cuz I would go back Love just is Lost in a world full of love There is no light There is no everything without death Every mask rips My hand are like mini earth quakes My stomach has a heart beat "Do you want him to be your English teacher" "I know how to speak English" "He was drunk" We only die on one day It can either be a child or a penis (kid) I have a lot of pictures of my plants Texting your sexuality We were forever Scared to Come out to a parent who works at a place called pride A man named John Prays calls crash die Uh sorry my email isn't working right now Candle I go to grammar I know synononomns my wardrobe is mostly flannels because I took a flannel from every person that I loved It took forever to get out of my moms manipulation growing up and then I was thrown into his and I got out of it and then I get out of that and I'm trying not to get into anything else like that Growing up my mom would always make me do things or make me feel things and the actual me would only pop out occasionally and during that I would just live in fear and its like that again and I really hate it because now it's not just her I just want to leave cali But that's gonna be really hard and even my family says that I won't leave because I care too much and even though my mom does so much crap to me I can't leave her alone because she doesn't know how to be and she'll go crazy Because my brother will be here but he's not good at this I've had to do it my whole life because he was non existent I've been taking all of it from both parents and all of my family my whole life And I still get compared to my brother and my family says I'm copying him just because I like some of the things he does and I told him about things that he really likes now but no I'm copying him She's always made me do things and never let me be my own person because I'm so god damn afraid of her And I ant escape it and it freakin sucks even more now because I'm aware of it but I don't want to be oblivious again because I never had good experiences then Now I do occasionally like I feel now and I have actual friends but now it's just stale and it sucks because for some stupid ass reason I close myself off Because I'm scared that everyone is gonna be like what I grew up with Or that I'm gonna have to leave them So I screw up good crap or I don't let stuff be great just good I can't help it because at the time where I could've defined myself a little bit it was mostly what my mom told me to be and fear and now I'm kind of just everywhere still afraid And I'm scared of the future because I feel like I'm gonna get into a relationship or have friendships where I'm controlled Of be stuck doing something I hate Just slap a smile on and walk away At this point the smile is kind of necessary for other people that I love so I have to do it so people can not like explode so it's fine it's kind of normal now My brother and I just wrote music for a song and like idk it's weird cuz we were kind of just improvising and then this kind of thing rose from it and like we were playing together and we ended it and we both looked at each other and he was like "woah that hit me really hard" and I was like "I almost started crying" and he was like "me too" and so like idk I guess the notes and Rhythms hit a soft spot All cute and poo and then boom

[kimmi-johnson]

This is a really long talk about myself and my insecurities. Just some personal stuff.

Writing this was on par with being free of writer’s block and just letting your fingers flow...anyway...sorry if it’s incoherent at points... I had a conversation with a friend earlier today. And it started when my phone buzzed for a tinder notification. LAME BEGINNING. I know. Anyway she told me how lucky I am that I get alerts when somebody swipes right/replies back and I told her you just had to go to settings and turn on the doo-hicky but apparently that’s not what she meant. She then said no like that people keep talking to you meanwhile I get no replies. My reply was to say how beautiful I find her and that there will be a person who will have a decent conversation with her and not the ass holes that blow her off in public. This led her to explaining how she believes it’s that she only looked attractive with make-up on saying “she’s a pretty fat girl” with it and without it she’s just a “fat girl.” And like we’ve been going to the gym for the past couple weeks with another friend. We’re all larger girls, and make jokes about our tummies and how difficult it is to loose body fat for girls comparatively to guys and bemoaning looking at the scale in the gym since that scale is 20 kinds of fucked up. Anyway, we’ve been working on it. Stress and school only made us all gain weight and we’re like, let’s try to change that. Addressing this, I was saying again how I think she’s so pretty and looking good and then I made a self-demeaning comment (cause of fucking course I have to) about how much I weigh and I find myself not very attractive...and she’s like girl you’re not fat. And like...we were only on this topic for like seven minutes but she was pointingly trying to say I’m pretty... And like...that’s so hard to hear directed at myself. Sure people say it but like those words wash over me but doesn’t stop me from internalizing how awful I feel looking in the mirror. And like I’m SOOO into body positivity. Big girls are beautiful. Small girls are beautiful. I find EVERYONE to be in their own way beautiful and special. But...it takes me so long to appreciate myself when I always see a flaw. My self-esteem, obviously, is absolute shit. It is such a fuckin roller coaster. One day I’m wearing something nice, my face looks good, and my hair is decent. And the next I see everything is wrong. I can easily reassure others that they look cute or pretty or beautiful but when it’s said back to me the response I always say is “Gurl you’re beautiful too” I think my insecurities about myself just grew as I began college. My weight grew marginally from where it was from the summer before college and just... when you compare yourself to others (WHICH Try Not To Do) I feel like I don’t belong.  Like I don’t fit in. Which is so fucking stupid. It is such a fucking stupid thought process but it happens. Anyway we go back and forth trying to reassure each other that you’re beautiful and eventually drop the subject but isn’t that sucky? People tell you you look nice and you don’t believe them. Thanks to those ugly thoughts in your head, it just seems like they’re trying to be “nice” by saying positive stuff. It just doesn’t click. I can’t take a compliment for shit. I feel like my tinder pictures are lying about how I actually look. I aim for people within my league and avoid people that look too beautiful. It’s fucked. And I TOTALLY BLAME THE MEDIA AND CLOTHING AGENCIES FOR MY FUCKED UP MINDSET! Seriously when there is a lack of representation and variety, how else are you supposed to feel but excluded and ugly. Why won’t these clothes fit? Oh because apparently only “regular” body types go up to these sizes. Oh this medium is too small for you maybe you should try a large. (Also why can’t sizes be consistent? Or ya know what make sizes that match proportions. Big boobs, Small boobs, Hips, Long Legs, Short Legs, Curvalicious, Booty, no Booty. Is that too hard!?) Also I think it also has to deal with body shaming in general. Obviously more so fat shaming. Like people get called fat or call themselves who aren’t even fat in which case what does that make me? Media and tabloids are obviously the worst. Tearing down people make others feel powerful and gain the feeling of control over others lives. In which case, fuck those people. And I love the indivduals who fight back, that are proud and full of self-love about their bodies. But I just don’t feel like I’m there yet. Hah I still remember when I was a group leader in my bible camp when I was in middle school (when I was religious) that when the kids had to hide, one of them hid behind me and later told me I was so big that I would be a good hiding place. I also remember (again in middle school) that when I went to get changed for bowling, when I came back my friends told me a boy in our grade was saying mean things about my weight. Like shit like that left quite an impact on myself. I call people out for their shit and defend anyone due to what society doesn’t call the “norm” but it just takes a lot to defend myself where I usually turn concern into jokes. Cause I’m the funny lady. Then there is also the added fact of anxiety that loves to come and go. You know after hanging out with friends for a while I wonder why I get so sad sometimes, you have a great support group of buddies that like you, that mention how many quirks they picked up from you, that say they enjoy your company, that talk about how fun you are to their other friends. But it always feels like I come off a high after socializing. I bask in it for a bit and then it kind of crashes down. Like why don’t people invite me out to do more stuff with them. Am I being annoying or too obnoxious that they only need me in spurts. I just...that self-doubt creeps in and takes hold. Not to mention the stress of school doesn’t help the situation or a job. So when I do have to blow off someone, I feel like I fucked up. Or when they ask if I want to hang out, I almost always say yes because I am horrible at instigating doing things. I’m just...a lot. Of things. Emotions. They always reassure me...but I literally just can’t accept it. Also I do this thing where I feel the need I must be saying something funny or be chill because that’s kind of the persona I am now. My friends enjoy my rants on snapchat and love how weird and awkward my speech pattern is. Random words like to flow out of my mouth that turn into sentences. I don’t drink, smoke, do anything dangerous. I am straight-edge to the max. I have friends who I love, from high school and from college. I have a nice family, even with the split perceptions we have of the world. I am overly emotional and sympathetic to everything. I care too deeply about things. I had a lot of existential crises. Pretty sure I had a panic attack basically a year apart from each other, back to back. I am a righteous ball of fury when seeing where our government is and the state of the world. I try to form connections to my profs. I am incredibly insecure about everything on and in my person. I just...I’m me. Ok that was my rant about my lack of self-confidence. And literally this is why I haven’t had a romantic relationship. I have friends my size who have had plenty of boyfriends and they say (tis why I have a tinder) that I should try dating. But like, until I can accept and love my body like I do others, I don’t think adding a close relationship like that into the picture is a good idea. I’m incredibly insecure about myself so until I can fully cope and accept myself...well...idk...I’ll work on it. I guess I’ll leave it at that. So yeah. Peace ✌