#idk im not like UPSET cause its been a few years i just. miss them :

[starz4valen]

queers im fucking lost come save me

ok but in all seriousness,

despite labeling myself as aroace for a hot minute and finding comfort in that label and the community for a time—shit doesnt feel quite right anymore.

i have had ONE EX. one.

i genuinely think i was in love with him. i only felt what i felt with him,,,WITH HIM. nobody else. I felt the butterflies/giddiness, i loved his laugh, his smile, hearing him, his jokes, all the names he would call me, how much he said he loved me, our late night discord calls, having him around, just. him. when he rarely spoke abt shit that was bothering him it hurt me so bad, like i would hurt with him. and the mere THOUGHT of ME hurting him made me wanna sob.

as you can probably guess by the fact we’re exes, we’re not together anymore. it hurts. hell, my stomach tangled a bit as i typed that out. (could be cause recently someone who used to be a friend went and dated him and then got upset at me for getting upset at them but this ain't abt them.)

we broke up in like june last year, and i felt so fucking horrible about it bc it basically ended w him yelling at me over text at how horrible i am at listening and how i treated him more like a therapist—which i will admit i did. i sucked for that. it makes sense why tho, i was working through a lot of shit at the time, doesn’t justify it at all though. i should’ve treated him better. im desperately trying to fix it in my current relationships so that never happens again.

then again, he also treated me badly. he said things that really fucked with my sense of trust in people and just made me scared to get close with anyone like that ever again, or in general bc i was convinced everyone had some ulterior motive w me or secretly didnt give a shit abt me—but also i felt *I* was the problem. like every relationship im in is gonna end horribly bc im just that bad. its taken a lot to say that i feel loved by and trust my current friends, as well as trying to recognize that I deserve love, and im glad i can say that im getting better ^^

but,,,idk anymore

i concluded i was aroace almost a year after we broke up. there were a couple reasons. for one, i only really got that close w him. i dont really know if ive had a crush or what that feels like—in fact i think i faked one in elementary, the whole reason i got w my ex was bc he was flirting w me and it made me feel nice. (also bc i was worried he would be my only shot at love but i digress) i feel off when people talk about heading to poundtown or anything like that, the same with crushes—just crushes tho relationships i totally get—and i still struggle to wrap my head around attraction and how people just can look at someone without even knowing them at ALL and go “you. i want you.”

i wrote off how i felt when i was with him as simply some non-romantic form of attraction and called it a day.

but recently ive been reflecting on that, and i think i was wrong. the way that even now i get all these emotions by merely talking abt my ex says something. how upset seeing that "friend" going ahead and dating him after barely knowing him and just how angry i was says something. the way i cried seeing my best friend get a whole small crate of presents from their partner for their bday bc i was THAT JEALOUS says something. the way i yearn for affection and to be loved again says something. the way im starting to miss being in love again says something. the way i would always want some sort of relationship—even when i identified as aroace—but just never thought it would happen bc i didn't feel pretty enough, or mentally well enough, deserving of one, or like id ever be lucky enough to find someone who makes me feel that way again and how scared and sad that makes me,,,says something.

now in terms of poundtown—legit dunno. closest to that I've done w anyone was neck kisses from my ex, which i did really enjoy—but also i legit identified as ace like the whole time we were together and the few times he made jokes like that i felt uncomfy. plus the only way i feel i could be ok w going further w something like that is if its either excessively gentle or the most unserious thing ever. so tbh if i had to take a guess on how i feel abt that—not too keen on it.

I'm debating a couple labels, bi, aroace, bi and ace, demirose, and demirose and bi, but tbh i feel bi kinda fits the most? (maybe???) but also it doesn't. idk if its the fear of opening my mind to me being in a relationship despite my fear of intimacy and commitment or just that I'm aroace and this is my brain telling me to stop overthinking shit—but i know i wanna figure this shit out

if anyone has like legit any words of advice PLEASE send it my way. i will take even the tiniest crumb of guidance cause i am more lost than a child in ikea.

thanks to anyone who read all this <3

[curioussatoru]

okay!! lets pray it doesnt kick me out this time..,

another band i really like is radiohead (let down underrated we all say in unison), ive been listening to them for some years and i reallylike them! a few songs i like are how to disappear completely/into strings, 2 + 2 = 5, subterranean homesick alien, blow out, you, jigsaw falling into placs, and exit music (for a film). theres more but i like all their music!!

i was going through some stuff the other day and came across some stuff my old friend gave me, and idk, i was happy i found the stuff but i miss him a lot, yk? i found a plushie he gave me, his dogs pawprint, and some other cool thing, idk i just miss him rn😓

i finally unfriended and unfollowed and all that with another old friend i dislike now, been needing to do that but only just got to it

i came across a old note in my notesapp, and i fully regret reading it, but its caused me to focus more on myself nowadays. im genuinely impressed on how seriously im starting to take care of myself. i also found out my writing is top tier when im upset. one thing i said in the note was "i had loved him, because he is my father, and apart of my bloodline. he is weaved into me and sown together parts of me that have fallen apart with string." just wanted to share that line it sounded kinda cool tbh....

I LOVE MUSIC!!!!!!!!! (and u)

-👾

i literally cried reading this you can tell just by the minimal words you’ve shared with me that you’ve grown a lot im proud and love you so very much!

radiohead is good i only know one song but that’s it

[psyclownsis]

not to be depressing but damn i miss tobi !

[notnctu]

under the mistletoe | l.ty

lee taeyong x fem!reader genre - fluff, barely humor idk, very little bit of angst details - enemies to lovers!au, childhood friends that have been apart, high school!au warnings - explicit language, one mention of death, there’s a kiss scene lol word count - 2.7k  synopsis - the holiday season brings a change of heart this year. you see your old friend, now enemy, Lee Taeyong at Mark’s Christmas gathering and through snowman shaped cookies, you two re-kindle your old friendship. 

a/n - this is for @neoculturechristmas​ ‘s secret santa collab! this piece is dedicated to @soliverse​ :) hello lovie!! i’m your secret santa!! i hope you like it and im sorry that it’s not funny LOL thank you for letting me participate in such a fun holiday collab! im so happy to be able to write a fic for another writer:)

Through the heavily crowded Christmas party, through the people that dare walk in your way, you still see him in the midst of the chaos. Lee Taeyong stands only a few feet from you, in a ridiculous Christmas sweater and messy frosty hair. The universe is absolutely obsessed with placing you two in uncomfortable situations, as if the fuming feud between you two is not enough.

His absentminded actions cause him to foolishly knock over someone’s drink, what a fucking clutz. Rolling your eyes, you wander off in search of your good friend to announce your departure for the night.

“Already? Y/N, you got here like, five minutes ago.” Mark mixes the glass bowl that is filled to the brim with red sugary punch. Any forceful spin will have it spilling from the rim, and that won’t be the only mishap of the night that you witness. “What’s the rush? It’s Christmas Eve!” 

And before you can utter the blacklisted name to explain your sudden change of heart, the culprit walks in with his stunned puppy eyes that grow sharp and a frown at your appearance. There is a small spark in the shared eye contact until it completely drops and he returns to ignoring your presence. 

“Mark, where are your napkins? I spilled something in your living room.” It had to be a whole year since you’ve last heard his voice and you still remember his low cadence whenever he was trying to be cool. Cool and mysterious Taeyong, and how he lives up so perfectly to his title. However, there was a moment in time that you knew him for more than that. He was warm and comforting Taeyong. 

While he tried so hard to be winter on the outside, spring bloomed blossoms on the inside and a bright sunshine radiated enough for you to witness its glow. You wished to stay with his spring for as long as you possibly could, but like the changing seasons, Taeyong eventually changed with it.

“It’s in the upper cabinet.” Mark does not realize the initial situation in the room, merrily going back to his large bowl of delicious liquid. It takes one big sigh from you for your friend to finally realize the elephant in the room and the unknowingly stiff tension in the kitchen. Mark’s eyes grow a bit bigger and as subtle as he tried to be, he clears his throat, “I think Christmas is all about joining together and being in each other’s company. Stay, Y/N.”

Mark did not choose his words wisely as Taeyong peeks over his shoulder, catching the last words of his sentence. “You’re leaving already, Y/N?” That is the first time he’s acknowledged you in the past few years.

There is an internal battle of whether or not you should acknowledge him back. Crossing your arms, you grumble something underneath your breath. “Why do you care?” 

“I don’t.” Taeyong says sternly, making sure he asserts his nonchalant attitude. “Just sucks that Mark threw such a happy Christmas party for his good friend to leave.” He slings an arm around Mark’s shoulders, snuggling his face into the side of Mark’s chocolate colored hair.

And Mark dares to show a small smile of affection back. “Sorry that Y/N is always walking out on things. She does that quite often.” Before you can give him a piece of your mind, Mark shoves a snowman shaped biscuit in your mouth. 

Taeyong gets away laughing, feeling an overwhelming sense of pride as he walks to clean up his other mess. You groan, biting the head of the snowman off and glaring at Mark. “Why did you let him get away with saying that to me? And when did you become friends with him again? And why are your cookies so hard?” 

“Taeyong lost a friend, like a month ago. Just be a bit empathetic, please.” Mark wipes his hands on his apron and continues kneading at a random ball of dough. If it’s one thing that Mark always does too well is overachieving at his holiday gatherings. There is a reason why he’s head of the Prom Committee and student officer for event planning at your high school.

Washing your hands, the cold water bites at your skin. It’s been a really cold winter this year. When you dry your hands off, you scoot Mark over to make room for yourself to help with his endless amount of holiday treats.

“We’ve all lost friends, Mark. Sometimes people don’t work out with others and that’s just how it goes.” There is an underlying bitterness that does not seem to fade when you speak. 

“Speaking from experience, maybe?” Mark chuckles, but dismisses the brief second of giggles to a more serious and low tone. “Not that kind of lost, Y/N. He lost a friend forever, like this person is in a forever sleep.” 

The moment the words hit the air, a chilly draft sweeps at your ankles and you freeze in your place. And as you stand with dry flour on your hands and a person you thought you’d never become warm to again stands in the next room over, your heart softens at the information and immediate guilt preoccupies your system. 

“Oh… well you should have started with that, then.” You slightly graze a finger across your nose at the faint tickle. Your mind is running at high speed, merely wondering about all the pain that Taeyong possibly felt this past month and remembering how it’s difficult for him to process his feelings. 

“He actually wasn’t going to come tonight, until I mentioned you were coming.” Mark unloads a batch of fresh cookies from the oven and replaces it with another tray. The aromatics take you back to Christmas many years ago and the memory of Taeyong getting frosting everywhere you could remember. It took weeks to get the red and green stains out of the carpet, but the laughter made up for every clumsy mistake. 

Not completely sure where the melancholic spirit erupted from, you rinse your hands and grab two cookies off the still hot tray without another response. Hurrying off, Mark yells out, “Wait-- those aren’t decorated yet!” but you choose to ignore his pleas.

Why is it harder to find him in a crowd when you are actually looking for him? Perhaps the saying, the best things in life come when you’re not looking for them, holds some truth to it. But your feet take you directly to him; he sits at the leather couch with the burning embers from the fireplace reflecting in his eyes. 

Your abrupt appearance startles him a bit, but his face falls sullen when he sees that it’s you. Shoulders touching, you’ve missed the intimacy you two use to share. The blank snowman shaped cookie feels warm in your hand as you thrust it into Taeyong’s face. “For you.” 

Taeyong scoffs, pushing your hand away lightly and looking away from the pitiful undecorated treat. “This feels like a trap.”

“No trap. Just a truce. Remember the time when I got upset at you for forgetting me in the parking lot and I told you the only way to fix it was to buy me food?” Your hand begins to drop, but Taeyong catches your wrist and takes the cookie from your possession. He gently places your hand back onto your lap.

“I know no other love language.” You explain the reasoning behind the old memory. 

“Pretty sure food isn’t a love language.” Taeyong chuckles, like Christmas carols to your ears, he sounds like home. 

“It’s not, but they all require me to be too emotionally vulnerable and you know how that makes me feel…” Your voice unintentionally trails off the end of your sentence. Does he still know how you feel? 

Taeyong’s eyebrow raises subtly, catching your implication. “You’re still the same person you were three years ago?”

Three years, has it really been that long? You nod without needing to ponder the thought. There is a stark difference between change and growth. You are who you’ve always been, that is never going to change, but you’ve grown to be stronger and a little more independent.

“That’s not surprising.” Taeyong bites at his cookie, turning the figure in his hands as he stares off to reminisce about the past. He thinks about his pain. He thinks about his own self growth. “I’ve been thinking about you recently.” 

The bold comment causes your chest to burn and your throat to grow a bit dry. Taeyong finally looks up at you, eyes dropping between your own and your lips. He doesn’t shy away from staring, taking in how much you’ve changed appearance wise since you two used to be friends. His eyelashes dance against his skin every time he blinked and the white strands of his hair fall around his crown like snowflakes. 

“Why?” 

“I learned how important it is to have friends around you. You never know when you’ll never see them again. The falling out we had should not have ruined the friendship we built for so long.” It’s difficult for Taeyong to continue with his feelings. It’s not a secret that he’s liked you since you two were close, probably half of the room is well aware of it. But there has never been a moment where he was out right too vulnerable to you, he was and is afraid of showing his feelings. 

It’s an immediate body reaction when Taeyong leans in to you and you defensively back away. The confusion shows on your face very blatantly and his dreamy laugh rattles your bones. Taeyong’s hand softly caresses your cheek as his thumb brushes the tip of your nose. “You have some flour on your face.” This skin to skin leaves you speechless as his hot hand holds your cheek so delicately, making your heart race rapidly.

“Your Christmas sweater is ugly.” That’s all you can utter, out of pure panic too. Your eyes dip away and he retracts away from you, elbows on his knees as he leans forward and ducking momentarily to examine his choice of festive clothing. 

He laughs, “it’s called an ugly Christmas sweater for a reason. It’s better than wearing a lame red sweater and calling it festive.” It’s surreal how quick things settle back into being the way that it used to be. As if the last three years of silence and constantly pretending the other didn’t exist disappeared. Taeyong is back, he’s yours again. And you hope that he’ll be by your side for longer than you had let him go.

“Red is not my color, I agree, but green is definitely not yours.” You joke back and Taeyong ruffles your hair, just like old times. The holiday spirit practically wraps its arms around you two. The holidays are really about being in each other’s warmth. In this very cold winter, you’re happy to have found an old flame that kept you from frostbite for many years. 

“Y/N, we’re putting up the mistletoe.” An acquaintance interrupts you and Taeyong, quickly grabbing your arm to follow her. Your eyes dart between her and Taeyong. One thing you know no doubt about is that you aren’t leaving Taeyong alone again, so you take his hand without another second thought and drag him along with you.

You’re all ushered into the foyer and Mark is on a step ladder under the frame of his door. He notes Taeyong by your side and discreetly smiles to himself. He securely pins it to the wall and claps his hands together to gather everyone’s attention. “We’re going to blindfold two people and they’re going to have to kiss underneath the mistletoe.” 

Your hands grow sweaty at the thought of such a risky game and immediately, you two let go of each other’s hands without realizing the clutching feeling of each other’s anxiousness. “I don’t think I’ll be chosen.” Taeyong mumbles to you as Mark and a few other people unravel the blindfolds. Nevertheless, he doesn’t sound very confident and you notice Taeyong’s shifty eyes. 

“Right. Me either.” You shrug off, trying to hide slightly behind Taeyong’s stature. However, Taeyong instantly catches the uncertainty in your voice as well. 

“Aren’t there four couples in the room?” Taeyong whispers over his shoulder at you.

Crossing your arms, you roll your eyes at his obvious thinking. “Yeah, but Mark isn’t going to choose a couple to kiss. How boring.” 

Taeyong chuckles out of disbelief at your comment. “I’ll volunteer you if you want to really spice things up.” 

And your eyes grow wide at his mischievous suggestion, pinching at his arm lightly. Underneath the fleece, Taeyong feels sturdy and strong. It’s only another reminder that you two aren’t kids anymore. “Lee Taeyong, do not. I don’t want to kiss anyone in this room.” That might’ve been a lie, even if you didn’t want to admit it to yourself that you are just a little curious how Taeyong might have matured. 

“Everyone close your eyes.” Mark excitedly smiles and everyone obliges. You gulp the pooled saliva in your mouth, trying to manifest every possible hope that you aren’t chosen in this room of twenty people. Mark wouldn’t screw you over like that, would he? The more you pondered that thought, the more you believe that he totally would.

Then, you feel a hand on your arm and you’re being guided somewhere. A cloth covers your eyes and you’re quick to snarl, “Mark Lee, this is your only Christmas present. You get no more favors from me.” your cadence is only loud enough for him to hear and though you’re robbed of your sight, Mark’s boyish laughter says enough about his enlightened facial expression.

“This is what you get for trying to leave five minutes into my extravagant party I tried so hard to put on.” Mark sarcastically comments and pats your shoulders for a last indication of reassurance.

You hear footsteps in front of you and an uncanny presence of another in your close proximity. “Okay, everyone can open their eyes.” Mark cheers and it’s not like you can see much through the dark cloth that covers your eyes, but yours open anyways.

Gasps fill the room, slight hollering and cheering. The reactions cause an unsettling stir in your lower stomach. “Kiss!” and before you know it, the unknown person searches for your face and cups it gingerly. The feeling being very familiar to a scene before.

The both of you lean in and it’s difficult with the lack of sight, but people kiss with their eyes closed right? It’s not your first kiss, but also the sense deprivation is something different. When you tilt your head and go in for it, your noses bump together clumsily. You’re slightly embarrassed, your heart is leaping out of your chest from the sudden display of affection and you’re strangling Mark in your imagination.

“I’m sorry.” You whisper, but there isn’t a response back. Instead, your partner dives in without any trace of struggle. Their lips glide perfectly with yours and it’s almost like you’re kissing snow. Any form of awkwardness melts away; their hand on your cheek feels natural and comforting. Your heart yearns for this sense of security as the same warmth from the fireplace embodies your chest. 

When you two pull away, the room bursts into a loud chaos of cheers. Before you can take off your blindfold, you can feel everyone running toward the both of you to give you excited pats on your head and arm. 

“I can’t believe that just happened!” Your friend’s voice can be heard in your ear. As you lift off the cloth, you see him in the midst of the chaos. Through the heavy dog pile of overly joyous people, Lee Taeyong stands a few feet from you in his ugly Christmas sweater, messy frosty hair and a pink hue across his pale cheeks. 

He looks over at you and shyly smiles. “Hopefully that spiced things enough for you. Happy Holidays, Y/N.” He can barely process everyone else's excitement, but he feels joyous for once. After a long cold bitter winter, he feels warm. 

“Happy Holidays, you big goof. Good to have you back.” You push at his arm, laughing happily at the ridiculously wide smile he has on his face. You’re glad to see Taeyong smile again. 

[princeanxious]

Trust is a Fragile, Fickle Demon.

Pairing: Analogical

Fandom: Sanders sides

Warnings: hurt/comfort, happy ending, mentions of childhood trauma, mentions of mental abuse, mentions of abusive parent, mentioned of past betrayed trust, trust issues, let me know if i missed anything!

Wordcount: 1.9k words

(A/n): this is sort of a short one, idk that im very proud of it, its written a little differently than I normally write so let me know if ya’ll like it? I tried!

Trust was something earned, gained, given, not expected. At least, to Logan, thats how it’d always been. The omega had learned young the mistake of trusting anyone so readily, a freely given token of connection that only served to hurt him in the long run.

Even now, Logan was aware his upbringing had been slightly rougher than his common peers. His therapists all readily, or subtly, pointed out that his alcoholic alpha of a single father who never should have been a parent to begin with was undoubtedly the root cause of many of his issues.

First of all of them was the lasting trauma of the emotional abuse he’d endured as a child and teenager. Never smart enough, never quiet enough, never clean enough. He was never enough, he was never going to be enough. He was a weak, broken, and useless omega in his father's eyes, and would never amount to anything more. And while he never wanted to believe it, often said he never believed any of it, he could only confidently say he didn’t truly believe even just part of it by the time he was 23.

Another was that he’d never been given any freedom to do as he pleased when he was younger. He never got to visit friends or do anything more fun than read at the library(and boy did he read any chance that he got back then). His first real social outing was when Roman, his then longtime college roommate and current best friend, had playfully offered for him to come join him to go buy icecream at midnight. But, that story is better saved for a different time.

All you need to know is that, that midnight ice cream became a bi-weekly routine, and the other omega learned more about Logan than he thought he’d ever get out of the closed off nerd that night. Perhaps one could even go so far to say that Roman was the reason Logan ever even dared to go to a therapist in the first place.

Logan had become very stunted from the childhood neglect he’d endured. Omegas had many self-soothing mannerisms built into their primal instincts to comfort themselves when stressed, like purring when upset(was well as when happy or content!) and nesting to decompress or hide in a safe zone when stressed. And well, Logan had pretty much stifled his purring by the time he was 14, and.. Completely stopped nesting by the time he was 9.

There had been no point, and both had become increasingly dangerous to do as he grew older. Anytime his father caught him purring, the Alpha would berate him for being ungrateful, seeing it as a weakness. And no matter how well he’d try to hide his safety nests, his father would inevitably find them and destroy them. Far too many afternoons were ruined when he came home to find his father in a drunken stupor and his newest safe haven wrecked beyond repair, and stinking to high heaven of alcohol and aggressive, angry alpha pheromones.

So he gave up. He gave up trying to make the nests in hopes for comfort, in hopes for a safe haven to hide away. The longest he’d gotten was hiding away in his closet for periods of a time before his father decided it didn’t deserve a closeable door anymore.

Roman had been horrified, and promptly dragged the other omega into his own nest in distress. They spent hours like that, Logan sobbing and tucked up tenderly into Roman’s protective embrace as the omega purred and crooned comfortingly enough for the both of them.

It would be Roman to encourage Logan to begin nesting again. They’d made a whole day out of it, going out and buying brand new nesting materials along with comfort food and rented movies. Slowly but surely, Logan rebuilt his nest for the first time in a little over 10 years, and he was in heaven. And day by day, every time he came home to it intact and undisturbed, Logan’s psyche was assured just a little more that the nest was safe, that he was finally safe.

And no one could really be surprised that Logan became viscerally protective of his nest, even more so than the average omega, at that. The first time they realized this, one of their mutual friends, a beta named Patton, had suddenly come close to his nest in excitement over the new addition. Logan had snarled loudly and aggressively before he’d even processed moving to guard his nest from the approaching threat. When Patton had taken multiple careful steps back in shock, Logan finally snapped out of the defensive mindset and realized what had happened. He’d apologized profusely, and was quick to try and make amends.

Patton understood the justified reaction after some light explanation and waved off the apologies immediately. Logan, though mortified at his own surprising lapse in control, was grateful that there had at least been no hard feelings in the end.

Safe to say, their friend group and subsequently any new friends made in the future would be warned, “Don’t approach, or touch, Logan’s nest.” And it was fine. Things were even looking up, Logan had started truly healing, and trusting people started to become a little less difficult!

So it would really come as a surprise to everyone, let alone Logan himself, when he started developing a small crush on the kind and patient(if a little anxious) Alpha who nearly daily visited the library Lo worked at to study. It was an honest shock, but, perhaps it wasn’t the worst thing in the world..?

Logan had never seriously considered dating another until Virgil came around, and the prospect of dating an alpha was frankly terrifying. But, Virgil was nice, he was caring and gentle with him, and yet unwaveringly respectful. He’d listen to Logan ramble about stars for hours and never interrupt him, only asking questions when Logan’s voice lulled or allowed him to speak. Virgil encouraged this, wanting Logan to open up and ramble and talk without fear of being shut down.

Roman had told Logan it was obvious Virgil was crushing hard on Logan, that they both had it bad for one another it seemed. Of course, nothing had to come of it if Logan didn’t want it to! But the thing was, he did. He did want something to come of it, if at the very least they could just remain friends.

It took a few more months, but Virgil eventually worked up enough confidence to ask Logan out, and the unwavering, almost immediate ‘Yes,’ had almost taken Virgil off guard. They wouldn’t share their first kiss for another few weeks, but neither of them minded.

Virgil slowly but surely was given the whole story, and expressed his own quiet outrage in the form of promising to never let that happen again, nor let Logan’s father near him again. It was a protective sentiment that almost scared Logan, but the protectiveness was born out of love and compassion, not selfishness and hate. So he let it slide, and contently tucked himself into Virgil’s warm embrace with a soft “thank you,” and the first very soft but very happy purr that he’d let out in years.

This alpha, he’d find him telling himself a year and a half into their relationship, this alpha was the one that would be allowed into his nest.

It didn’t bother Virgil personally, that he wasn’t allowed into his omega’s nest. No one was allowed near the nest except him, and even then he still got growled at plenty. He was completely aware that Logan had a deep instinctual fear of the destruction of his nest, sewn by the only parent he’d had growing up doing just that out of malice. Logan had made strides in his journey of healing though. The omega was confident in himself, and refused to be pushed aside or spoken over. Logan was highly independent, even during his heats, which made Virgil feel all the more love for him to be let into his omegas life.

Logan wasn’t dependent on him like society demanded he be, and Virgil didn’t mind in the slightest, because he knew Logan. He loved this omega and knew said omega loved him back. That was all that mattered to either of them.

It took another half a year before Logan finally tried breaking down some of his protective walls over his nest. He was tired, so tired of the separation. Having Virgil's scent heavily entwined with objects in his nest wasn’t enough anymore. At two years into their relationship, Logan’s instincts didn't feel the need to growl at Virgil for being near his nest anymore. He wanted Virgil in his nest, and that thought was jarring to realize.

And when he’d brought it up, Virgil had been quick to assure him that he didn’t have to force himself to let Virgil in, that Logan’s safe space was sacred and he never wanted Logan to feel pressured by anything to let him in.

Perhaps Logan kissed him soundly after that, and was reminded just how much he really loved Virgil. Virgil's insistence for Logan's comfort coming first only made him want to pull his alpha into his nest that much more.

But still, he agreed to take it slowly. Every day, Virgil would scoot a little closer to the edge of the nest, would hold Logan’s hand and stroke his hair, even sometimes daring to slowly lean over and kiss him with prior warning.

It took a full week to really prove to Virgil during their progress that they were ready to take this next step, that Logan truly and fully trusted Virgil and wanted him in his nest.

And when it finally happened, they’d made a little date out of the occasion, setting up snacks and candy, ordering take out and lining up a few documentaries to watch on Virgil’s laptop, getting into their nightclothes.

Virgil had been beyond nervous, and Logan understood why. They managed to soothe each other as everything fell into place, and Logan carefully walked Virgil step by step into his nest. With careful movements, they sat down and Virgil let himself be carefully arranged as he was leaned back into the nest. It took a second for Logan to finish tucking things against Virgil and pull a weighted comforter over them before he finally settled himself onto Virgil’s chest.

Despite their original nervousness towards the idea, everything felt right, now. Logan felt so unbelievably safe now that he was tucked into his alpha’s arms within the cocoon of his nest. It was amazing in its own right. And it takes Virgil chuckling lovingly for Logan to notice just how content they both are.

“You’re purring like crazy, L,” he murmurs with a smile, running his fingers up and down Logan’s rumbling back, “If you’re not careful you might fall asleep before we even get through the first documentary.” Logan just grins back, tilting his head to peck Virgil on the cheek.

“I see no downside to that, V, considering I’ll be falling asleep in my alpha’s safe embrace. What more could I ever want?”

Virgil flusters and hides his face in Logan’s hair as the omega laughs, hugging the other closer. Logan eventually does fall asleep in the middle of the second documentary, cuddled close and relaxed.

And really, there was no other place Logan would rather be.

[olde-scratch]

So I watched LUCIDS 1-4 without any prior knowledge...

and here were my thoughts. I didn’t watch any backstory or anything so enjoy my suffering.

PART 1

“So what happens when the people inside of their dreams go to sleep?” They die

“What happens when we wake up? Do they go on living while we’re not there?” THEY DIE-

“Who are they anyway?” they’re faces that our brain catalogs and stores for later use, although it’s also arguable that every time we dream we go to an alternate reality and inhabit the body of another version of ourselves. Now, were you in a car accident and trapped underwater or-

Are they twins?

(Me tuning out to do something)

“-the squirrel in spongebob was your soulmate, making you a Sandy simp-”

Me, snapping back to the video: hold up-

[missed the part about the worksheet, realized it when i rewatched 10 mins later to make this post]

yall speakin gibberish idk what youre saying-

“I’m gonna go to bed.” bro it literally looks like morning-

“You should get some sleep you look terrible.” i get six hours of sleep a night minimum and i look worse than him shut up bro-

“jump into someone else’s dream” ah i know this con-

why they all got the same face-

haha funni meme

“--an interruptiion can create feedback and tear them apart.” Death. I long for thee.

Is that Karl Jacob’s jacket?

“a second grader�� makes me think this is a different school system. [i was wrong? i think?]

“[get him to] eat your apple”

[in the dream sequence] weird dream, but ive had weirder. now, Why Pamper’s-

why does he suddenly have a knife-

“You put a filter on the Dreamscape feed?”

“Technically, you are seven years old.”

???????????

the second hand embarrassment is UGGGHHH

[reading the description] you mean like the guy who was knocked out for 2 minutes on a football field and woke to find he’d dreamt 17 years of his life? oh this shall be Fun

PART 2

[I check the description] “jasper cult” what the fu-

how many camp camp references can i make during this

Is the apple a reference to religion or does the creator just really ilke apples?

“meal.”

“meal?”

meal????

Wait why couldn’t that guy eat the apple? If he wanted it in the fruit bowl, wouldn’t there be a chance of the guy eating it anyways?? Why can’t the guy who brought the apple eat it?

well he’s Dead

[debating if I should read the backstory}

n a h h h h h -

Was he gonna feed the dead guy the apple or something? Why is he upset about the apple in this scene???

oooo the grownups are fightinnnngggg

Is he an antagonist?

HE WROTE A BOOK???

oh now i want food

ESTABLISH JUSTICE ENSURE DOMESTIC TRANQUILITYYYYYYYYYYYYY

“I watched all those aforementioned shows” what shows did i miss something what-

man why you gotta hate on her jane austen fanfic let her live bro

string theory! i can get behind that! sorta-

o no he found the memes-

BOY GOT KNOCKED OUT-

kim there’s people that are dying-

is SHE an antagonist?

quinn? calling himself jasper? u sure hes not just nonbinary? is this just a metaphor for transphobic parenting?

“He died... but somewhere, he grew up.” So is your plan to take a Quinn from a different universe and make him your own, thereby robbing another version of yourself from happiness? When does this ever go well?

Yknow most people, when they lose a kid,,,, kinda,,,,,,, dont go on a ceaseless quest to find another version of their kid that grew up without knowing that another version of his mother was invading other peoples’ dreams to find and kidnap him,,,,,,,, like aint u got a therapist-

“Once you get past the point of not knowing what’s real anymore, you realize it doesn’t matter.” Well, I Got Called Out-

PART 3

“you’re real, oliver.”

aRe yOu sUrE aBoUt tHaT-

“you’ve been infected by the anti-love parasite of Mandadon” the amatonormativity is strong

so anyways ive been infected since birth hbu-

“James Jasperson, creator of Japple” did you mean to Fancy Well-Educated Man in a Black Turtleneck? cause the only FWEMBT i allow near me is prof. hidgens

“are you winning?” says the capitalist

why did you rewind to see his face?? you have the same face????? is this just bc the creator doesnt like working with other people cause in that case same but???????

“it’s a bad idea. i’m not gonna do it.” we’ve all been there. and we’ve all done it.

looks like me trying to study. (i say, a person who has studied a total of five minutes throughout their entire life.)

your “Spartan trial” looks like a bunch of guys standing on a hill pretending to be something they’re not. Let The Man Bring His Snacks.

eat the apple.

is this your first existential crisis or something what a loser lets all point and laugh

“One of you should be spared, the other shall’nt.” did you mean shant or was that a choice-

yall gonna get called out for talking shut UP

“sorry if this is too personal, btw. are you okay?”

me, confused and half understanding what’s going on and also needing to sleep cause its almost one in the morning but wanting to finish what i can find of lucids which i only starting watching cause i saw an animatic of ranboo and dream w audio from it: i don’t know anymore

“i just want my life back... i was gonna get married-” AREN’T YOU LIKE SEVEN-

ay man if this is a sacrificial cult yall gotta get daniel-

UPDATE: I  H A V E  N O T  F O U N D  I T -

“oliver”

I  F O U N D   I  T -

WHICH ONE IS QUINN?? WHO’S JASPER???? WHICH ONE IS BENJAMIN???? I THOUGH BENJAMIN WAS SEVEN BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS THE ONE GETTING MARRIED WHAT-

oliver. eat the apple.

“Can you still have memories even when you’re dreaming?” One time I woke up to my alarm and fell back asleep and in my dream I remembered that I had class in a few minutes and my dream self woke my real self up so fast I thought I was gonna get whiplash. Anyways, I was late to class bc of my computer but that doesn’t matter.

NOPE I FOUND IT. HERE’S THE AUDIO. THE ANIMATIC ONE. FINALLY.

im thinking car crash. but also maybe murder. but also maybe both? is it raining or was he drowning? is he in a coma? hmmmmmm?

wait olivers the one with the apple does that mean he’s the one dreaming? is the ending gonna be him and jasper (quinn? idk) fighting against ben and mrs hills about jasper eating the apple to save oliver from the dream? hmmmmmmmmmm-

waitwaitwait i thought oliver was 7 how is benjamin 7 years younger than him if they look the same age what what what explain america explain what you mean arkansaw-

are the cuts on his nose plot-relevant or

“What if you hadn’t been driving?” So I was right about the car accident but Mrs. Hills still said he was seven so did i mishear her say that BENJAMIN was seven? but even then oliver would be 14 and that would still be illegal-

“How are you feeling?”

“Like you’re a pretty bad therapist.”

mood

“--it makes it all bearable to have power over the stories we write in our heads” that’s why i write fanfiction

HE’S GOT THE NOTEBOOK HE’S GONNA WRITE SOMETHING ONE OF US ONE OF US ONE OF US

WHAT YOU MEAN AN EXPERIMENT THAT’S HIS NAME-

[upon reading the description] so i was right.

wait was that supposed to be the twist in part 2 about the apple in his pocket is that what the existential crisis was about i thought it was because he was introduced to the multiple worlds theory-

PART 4

wait wasnt the other one january 2018 why we going back to 2017-

appol

“--the future and the past all already exist” mhm yep figured this out long ago

there was simultaneously a point in time in which i hadn’t known about this, had been looking it up, had been watching it, and had been writing an ending to this post, and had been posting it the next morning before class. that time is both now and not now. Welcome To The Multiverse Theory or whatever its called-

“--my favorite scene of the movie is waking up next to you.” Mine is eating fast food as I listen to AJJ and play Minecraft. We are not the same.

Now I’m hungry but it’s 1 in the morning and i already put my retainer in god fu-

[reading description] what do you mean previously??? she did that in the first episode????????

[still on description] WHAT DO YOU MEAN WILL QUINN BITE THE APPLE AND GO TO BENJAMINS REALITY ISNT THIS OLIVERS REALITY AND HE HAS TO GET BEN TO BITE THE APPLE WHY IS APPLE CAPITALIZED IS THIS THE DOING OF THE FWEMBT

i should have watched the backstory i should have watched the backstory i should have watched the backstory i should have wa-

[description] oh ive been spelling quinn right the whole time nice

i hope she rejects you /j

WAIT BENJAMIN WAS THE ONE GETTING MARRIED TO ISABELLE

ISNT HE IN SECOND GRADE-

HE IS SEVEN YEARS OLD HOW IS HE GETTING MARRIED ARE THERE TWO BENJAMINS THAT WE’RE FOCUSING ON-

bro get out of the road ull get hit

how do you knOW WHICH ONE IS QUINN THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON-

so

wait

hills wants ben to feed quinn the apple bc in his mind, that will give hills and quinn a happy ending and she doesnt want ben to see the apple bc thats gonna mean ben will know that his reality isnt reality at all. so then oliver has to,,,, not let anyone eat his apple? he just has to wake up?

IS HILLS THE VILLAIN AFTER ALL ORRRRR

wait but if ben sees the apple wont he realize that his reality is wrong and his reality will change, making it so that hills doesnt get her son? or is there some time-based rule that says they’re only transported to the reality that the person believes at that moment? or is this another stab at the multiverse thing where an infinite amount of hills gets their happy endings while an infinite amount of hills doesnt and etc etc?

i should have watched the ba-

oooo dramatique

they’re in a time loop?

nope thats a new powerpoint

wait so theyre,,,, no-

wait-

nvm-

IS THE BEN WE KNOW AN ADULT GETTING MARRIED TO ISABELLE OR NOT-

“they were actually pretty nice” didnt they throw someone off a cliff-

oh so it got confusing THEN??? NOT BEFORE?????

“it all seemed so real.” is that Not the point of vivid REM sleep hallucinations-

is oliver gonna show ben the apple and ruin hills’ whole operation

WHO ARE ALEX AND RYAN-

“what’s 25-8″ bro dont do this to me-

yep hes gonna show the apple

ayyy the guy who stole karl jacobs jacket it back

the second hand embarrassment is back and I Hate It

all that happens in episode ONE??? bro get some better writers that is bad pacing

“it’s the best!” wait until season eight. no show has a good season eight.

quinn knows about the apple thing w the dreams and multiverse and realities dont he

YOU KILLED HIM

NOT KARL JACOBS NOOOOO HES ALREADY DIED ONCE

oliver is v relatable

wHaT iN tArNaTiOn-

lemme hear that explanaton again-

is bill cipher gonna show up? i hope bill cipher shows up. i miss gravity falls

“ah! a tree! ah! a tree! ah a tree!” moooooooood

did hills murder quinn

is your family the jasper cult

TOXXIICCCCCC get that lady out of your life quinn that is so toxic

“ ah! a tree! ah! a tree! ah a tree!  ah! a tree! ah! a tree! ah a tree!” mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S THE END NO WHAT WHY NO

The Adventures of Benjamin and Oliver

he is Not Good

ope-

wait so ben is equal parts an adult AND a child?? okay that clears a lot up

I MEAN HE WAS RIGHT THO BEN U CAN’T REALLY ARGUE ON THAT-

ew get off the floor

butterfly effect, multiverse theory, memory decay, and your imagination ALL exist yall gonna ignore that cause you wanna be famous?

“We already know what the future looks like!”

aRe yOu sUrE aBoUt tHaT-

to add to the list of bad things: Cats (2019)

YA BOI THINKS IT’S NOT ALREADY FIFTY YEARS TOO LATE TO START FIGHTING CLIMATE CHANGE FFFFF

BINGO BABYYYY

get what what

what mapped-

awwwww he thinks THEY’RE creating the multiverse

you gonna dismiss the multiverse theory bc of something you created in your current reality? loooserrrrrr

ABUSE YOUR GODLIKE POWERS

she draggin that seven year old

a lot makes sense now why didnt i do this first-

Jasper

the food shortages-

bro that calculators like 90 bucks at walmart

imagine meeting a stranger and they know Everything about your life like that’s gotta be so weird

what’s even weirder is them telling you you’re the deity of a cult that sacrifices animals

THAT FOURTH WALL BREAK WAS-

KARL JACOBS IS DEAD NOOOOOO

ooohhh there’s context for that

OOOOHHHH THERE’S CONTEXT FOR THIS TOOOO

w h a t -

w  h  a  t  -

W   H   A   T   -

Conclusion:

it’s 2 in the morning and i need sleep but hOOOOO MY GODS THAT WAS GOOD IS IT OVER OR NOT IDK ANYMORE IM TIRED THAT WAS CRAZY I HOPE QUINN AND JASPER GO ON TO BE VERY GOOD FRIENDS, AND I HOPE BENJAMIN AND OLIVER STAY VERY GOOD FRIENDS AND I HOPE HILLS FINDS A THERAPIST WAS A LITTLE CONFUSING BUT I ENJOYED IT

if i dream about apples im suing /j /lh

[platonicavengers]

Pinky Promise

pairing: avengers x teen!reader; platonic!steve x teen!reader; platonic!natasha x teen!reader

word count: 1,772 (hehe told y’all)

warnings: sadness, depression, maybe swearing?? idk i don’t pay enough attention, post-infinity war feels

author’s note: im :) fine :) not :) sad :) at :) all :) also why do i always write angst am i that incapable of letting anyone be happy hahahah help

summary: it’s been a year since thanos snapped his fingers, and you still feel just as upset as you did the day it happened, but steve and nat are there to try their best to help you :)

my masterlist | read it on ao3 | read it on wattpad

One year; 12 months; 52 weeks; 365 days; 8,760 hours; 525,600 minutes; 31,536,000 seconds.

Since it happened. It, of course, being Thanos snapping his fingers, successfully eliminating 50% of life throughout the entire universe. Since you lost so many of your closest friends, your family.

Some people say that it gets easier with time, that eventually, it stops hurting as much. That after a while, the pain just isn't as bad.

But they would be wrong.

It's been an entire year, and for you, it's only seemed to get worse. The pain just grows each day, the loss of some of your favorite people just taking a larger toll on you as the days go by.

And the team could tell. What's left of the team, at least. Even out of the survivors, not everyone stayed around at the compound, as it would just bring back memories of those they've lost.

Tony had gone to live with Pepper and their daughter, Morgan, in a cabin on the lake. Bruce had gone somewhere, you weren't even sure where he was, and the same with Rhodey. Thor left to go establish New Asgard, and you hadn't seen him since. Carol, although technically not an official member of the team, was up in space most of the time, so you never saw her, either. That left only you, Natasha, and Steve.

Natasha was the first to notice. The way you rarely left your room, and if you did, your eyes were rimmed with a red tint, and your cheeks were puffed up. And if she ever got the chance to speak to you, you would only give her one or two word responses, far from the usual energetic and lengthy ones you used to give.

Steve noticed not long after, partially because Natasha pointed it out to him, and partially on his own. He saw the way you always wore sweatshirts or t- shirts belonging to your fallen friends. He heard you crying at the late hours of the night, when you thought no one else was awake.

So the two of them came together, trying to think of any and every way to help you, to take your mind off of everything, even just for a few minutes. But you did know this. You still stayed locked up in your room, today, especially, not even attempting to drag yourself out of bed, knowing that the only thing you were capable of doing today, was mourning.

••

The minute your alarm clock went off at 7 AM, you could already feel the familiar sensation of a wave of tears approaching. You were used to it by now, and just let it happen on its own.

With the sleeves of one of Wanda’s hoodies folded over your hands, you pressed your wrists to your eyes, trying to stop the stinging feeling of the tears. Your attempt was futile, and a steady stream started flowing down your cheeks, onto the comforter below you.

You sighed in frustration and annoyance when the tears wouldn’t stop. It seems like everyone else has moved on already, you thought to yourself, so why can’t I?

You buried your face in your hands and let out a loud sob. You shook your head, slowly lifting it from your hands as you stared up at the ceiling for a moment. You internally swore at yourself, knowing that what you were about to do was immature, but you were going to do it anyways.

“Hey, u-um,” your voice was quiet, hoarse from going so long without speaking, not to mention nasally from all the crying you’ve been doing lately. You brushed your messy hair out of your face, sniffling loudly, “I-I don’t know if anyone can hear me, but I, uh. I wanted to try an-and say something, just in case any of you guys a-are listening right now.”

You sobbed again, swearing under your breath, “Get it together, Y/N,” you whispered to yourself. You cleared your throat, trying once more to speak, “U-um. I just wanted to say that, um, I miss you all,” your voice broke off, the tears falling faster now, “so much. Uh, I miss you and love you all so much. I would do anything to get a-all of you back here, right now. Whatever it would take, I don’t care. I-I need you all, so badly.”

You cursed at yourself again, much louder than you intended to. Unbeknownst to you, Steve and Natasha heard you. They shared a look, before stopping what they were doing, and standing next to your closed door.

“I’m so, so, so sorry I didn’t do good enough. I tried, as hard as I could. I tried everything I could think of to get everyone back,” your voice had fallen into a low whisper, “b-but nothing worked.”

The pair outside your door felt their hearts break. It hurt them so much to hear you in such pain, and they knew they couldn’t stand to listen any longer. Natasha glanced at Steve, communicating with him through their eyes. Steve sent her a slight nod, knowing what she wanted to do.

The redhead slowly stood up from her squatting position, softly knocking on your door. She spoke quietly, a warm and caring tone laced through her words, “Y/N, sweetie? Could you open the door, please?”

You froze. You hadn’t expected for either of them to try and talk to you. Lately, they had stopped trying to get you to unlock your door, to open up, even just a little, after realizing that you refused to. You stayed silent for a moment, not knowing how, or if you wanted, to respond.

“Please, Y/N. We just want to help you, I promise, honey.”

Natasha’s voice was so calming, with the slight motherly tone coming through her words. You felt your resolve falter for a second, and you contemplated whether to let her in or not. On one hand, you didn’t want them seeing you like this, although you knew they wouldn’t care. But on the other, you so desperately craved comfort, reassurance, especially from those you trusted and cared for so deeply.

“Please,” this time it was Steve that spoke, “we know you’re hurting, and we want to help.”

With his words, you broke. You felt the sobs building up in your chest, and you ran to the door, unlocking and it and yanking it open roughly. You fell into Natasha’s open arms, sobbing. Steve wrapped his arms around you as well, joining the embrace. Your body shook painfully, but the feeling of two of your closest friends holding you so tightly helped soften the blow.

It took you around fifteen minutes to calm down. The whole time, both Steve and Natasha stayed with you on the floor, still holding onto you tightly, occasionally whispering short phrases of comfort into your ears.

When you eventually did settle down, you could feel your body growing tired from your sobs. You slowly lifted your head from Natasha’s shoulder, and she sent you a small smile. She wiped away the tears from under your eyes with the pads of her thumbs, and tucked your hair behind your ears.

Steve shifted so he was in front of you, and he could see your face as he spoke to you, “How ‘bout we have a movie day today, huh? No work, no responsibilities, just hangin’ out and watching movies? Sound good, hmm?”

You weakly nodded, trying your best to send him a smile, but the corners of your lips barely lifted up. He smiled back at you, helping you and Natasha both up from the ground, and the three of you walked together to the living room area.

You sat down on one of the couches, Steve taking the seat next to you. He wrapped an arm around your shoulders, slowly rubbing your arm as Natasha stood in the kitchen, gathering snacks for you all.

As Steve picked up the TV remote, going to put the first movie on, a memory of a day similar came to mind.

“Everybody sit your asses down, it’s movie day!” You grinned widely as Tony shouted at the rest of the team. You plopped down on one of the couches, Steve on your right, and Wanda on your left. You loved having movie nights with the team, as they were a rare pleasantry in a life as hectic as yours.

“Yo, Tiny! Heads up!” Sam called out to you, chucking a bag of popcorn towards you. You giggled as you caught it, quickly ripping it open and shoving a handful of the snack into your mouth.

Steve reached a hand into the bag, trying to steal some of the popcorn, but you quickly smacked his hand, causing him to send you a playful glare. Your eyes widened as you saw popcorn floating out of the bag, but you jokingly rolled your eyes as you turned to your left, seeing Wanda using her magic to grab some of your food. You sighed, a small smile on your lips, “I really can’t have anything around here, huh?”

You were cut off by a loud “Shh!” and you glanced over to one of the other couches, offering a sheepish smile to an impatient Natasha.

You were brought back to reality by a loud shout of your name, and you blinked your eyes a few times, seeing both Steve and Natasha in front of you, worry clear on their faces.

They both visibly relaxed when you looked at them, but their concern quickly returned when they saw your eyes well up with tears, and a sob break its way past your lips.

Natasha wrapped her arms around you, bringing you to her chest and slowly rocking you back and forth, “Hey, hey, what’s wrong?”

“I-I miss them s-so much!” You stuttered out between sobs.

Natasha felt herself tear up, her hold on you tightening, “Oh, sweetie, I know, I know. I miss them too.”

A few minutes later, Natasha released from the hug, but kept you tucked into her side, running her fingers through your hair. Steve grabbed ahold of your hands, gently rubbing his thumbs on top of your fingers, “I promise you, Y/N, we’re gonna get them back. We’re gonna get them all back.”

You wiped away a lone tear, whispering, “Pinky promise?” You knew it was immature, but you held up a shaking pinky, desperate for reassurance, no matter how childish it made you seem.

Steve chuckled softly, wrapping his pinky around yours, “Pinky promise.”

[xiaodejunletsact]

8 letters | park jisung

word count: 18,247

genre: highschool!au, baseball player!jisung, a lot of angst and fluff. childhood friends to enemies to friends to lovers lmao

warnings: mentions of bullying, a lot of emotional baggage from jisung’s part, physical fighting, basically lots of high school angst.

author’s note: hey everyone! im finally back from the dead lol, thank you to everyone who has waited to long for this and sent me nice messages, they really encouraged me :) anyway, a couple of things you guys should know before you start are: i tried to make this jisung a lot like real jisung idk if i did but i hope it worked lol and i tried to make as unfiltered of high school experience as you can get. so jisung faces bullying and social pressure in this and the 2000 line and chenle are all the same age as jisung in this. its a long one but i really hope you like it! thank you! (Btw!! this one is for all my 2002 liners who are going into senior year, lets make this year the best one yet!)

synopsis: 4 years ago, you and jisung’s long term friendship came to an abrupt end. now in senior year, the two of you find yourselves being forced together again by your mothers. suddenly, jisung begins to ask himself what is more important: his reputation or you. 

alternatively; 

if all it is is 8 letters, why is it so hard to say?

It had been a long time since you sat at the polished marble table that resides in the Park Household. The mix of colors on the table are weaved with bittersweet emotions as you stare down at them, the spaghetti his mother had served you grew cold as you took in the words your parents were throwing at you.

“We know you guys don’t really get along as well as you used to but the streets are getting dangerous nowadays. Just the other day they jumped a kid from your school!” Your mother says, exasperated. Her eyes were wide as Jisung’s mother nods her head in agreement across the table. The conversation has been going on for a half hour now, despite your clear distaste for the argument.

“I get that, mom. I just don’t see why I can’t just walk to school with Renjun.” She sighs at your words, making eye contact with Jisung’s mother across the table. You tear your gaze away from them to Jisung who scoffs in response to your words. “Is there something funny Jisung?”

“Our moms want us to go to school together so we can be safe, and you want to walk with that twig? He can’t protect you for shit.” He spits out at you, his mother giving him a warning to watch his language before you reply.

“And you can?” He falters momentarily at the sharp gaze you send his way, before shooting one back. Your stare down ends only when your mothers tell you to settle down.

“Jisung has a car now, y/n. It’s safer and you won’t have to take the walk to school every morning… I don’t see why you can’t just do this.” She looks at you with a pleading look, the type she knows you’ll give into. You shift your gaze away from her face and sigh. Jisung speaks up.

“Shouldn’t I have a say in this? It’s my car!” He sounds as frustrated as you feel. His mother laughs.

“Remind me, who pays that car?” This shuts him up immediately, producing a chuckle out of you  while he huffs. Your mothers watch the interaction with a sigh. “Please guys, we just want you to be safe. You guys used to be best friends! How hard can it be to spend 20 minutes together?” 

-

Very hard. 

The air in the car is thick when Jisung picks you up the next Monday morning, the silence between you two is filled with an indie pop album that plays on the radio when you get in. 

The inside of his car smells strongly of cologne, though it’s unfamiliar to you. You figured he started using it after you guys stopped being friends; it wouldn’t be the only thing that has changed while the two of you were apart. Like the bright laughter and easy conversations that one surrounded you two, that is now replaced with thick silence and tension. There’s also Jisung, who seems a lot more mature now, who joined the baseball team and became one of the most popular guys in school or the fact that he has a car and also the fact that he hasn’t talked to you since he told you he didn’t want to be friends anymore at the beginning of your freshman year of highschool.

Even now, you try to figure out what changed. What tables turned in Jisung’s head that caused him to react the way he did towards you. At the time, you supposed it was one of those friendship fallouts you see in movies, where things just don’t work out; that’s what split you two apart. However, you know that wasn’t the case when Jisung arrives the following week to school, contacts replacing his round glasses you loved so much and his arm wrapped around Jessica - the most popular and bitchiest girl in school. You recall the nauseating feeling you got when you saw him; it being the exact moment you realize that things had really changed, that this wasn’t just a friendship fallout, Jisung cut you out of his life so he could start a new one. 

Without you. 

Though it took a while, you began to realize that the Jisung you knew was long gone, no longer will he be fanboying to you about a new video game he’s into or a baseball game he has watched over and over. No longer will he be putting cute sticky notes in your locker. No longer was he your best friend. He was now popular guy every girl in school had a crush on, that wears his hair up and hangs out with the resident school asshole jocks. 

The best thing you could do was ignore it, pretend it didn’t happen by stuffing all of his things deep in your closet and never looking at them again. You occupied your thoughts by making new friends and picking up new hobbies, which led you to Renjun -who helped you through everything and was there for you when Jisung wasn’t. He took your mind off things and kept you busy and although he was your rock and you appreciate his company and friendship immensely, there are still times where you find yourself falling down the rabbit hole of questions and thoughts surrounding the Jisung situation. 

When your mother suddenly starts questioning what happened, where he is and saying that she misses him. You can only shrug as your mood dampens at his mention, rushing to your room and holding down the words that are threatening to escape:

Me too.

Your thoughts are interrupted by the sound of an opening car door, you barely have any time to process the scene in front of you because Jisung is already rushing into the gates of the school. Leaving you alone in his car. 

You watch as he jogs up to his jock friends and becomes one of them. He puts on his baseball jock skin and fits right in like he was never the boy who would sneak into your house when he was feeling lonely. 

He wasn’t anymore.

 You unbuckle your seatbelt and exit the car and walk into school, preparing to do what you do best: pretend it doesn’t matter.

-

You try especially hard to pretend it doesn’t matter as you wait for Jisung outside the school for two hours after the dismissal bell has rung. Your foot taps impatiently on the ground as you send him a 4th text asking him where he is. You can’t help but feel embarrassed; he stood you up, left you stranded on there and is on his way home probably laughing his ass off. 

You were foolish to think he would actually hold up his end of the deal and just be a good human being this once. You sigh and shake your head, trying to brush off the embarrassment off your mind as walk towards the school gates, starting the journey to your house. Trying your best to not think about it until the sound of your shoes against the sidewalk is disturbed by the sound of Jisung’s voice.

“Hey!” 

He’s standing near the entrance of the school, his hair wet, his torso covered is a loose T-shirt, different to the one he was wearing this morning and his chest was heaving like he had been running. You’re too far away to tell if the look on his face is upset or confused. “Where are you going? Get in the car!” You scoff at him and march your way up to him. Pointing an accusing finger at him you spit out. 

“You left me waiting here for nearly 2 hours! I was going home!” Jisung looks at you with a confused expression before shrugging his shoulders.

“I had baseball practice, I thought you knew.” 

“How would I know? I don’t keep up with the baseball team. You didn’t tell me either.” 

Jisung sighs and open the door to the passenger gets side, “Can you just get in so we can go?”

After staring harshly at him for a few seconds, you reluctantly get into the car. Jisung closes the door behind you and you watch as he walks around the car to the drivers side, seating himself before starting the car.

At first you drive in silence, which you figured is better than fighting, until Jisung turns down the radio.

“Since the season is starting, I’m gonna have practice everyday after school for the next few weeks.” 

You nod at his words silently planning in your head what the hell you're going to do at school for 2 hours. Before you can think of a reply, Jisung turns up the radio, signifying the conversation is over. You bitterly settle back into your seat.

-

When you arrive to your street, Jisung pulls into his driveway and just like this morning, rushes out of the car and into his house like you have the plague, without sparing you a word. 

You cross the street from his driveway to your own and look back at his house one last time. The light of his room is turned on now, you can see his silhouette faintly through the curtains as he moves sound his room. You shake your head as you look away, rushing into your house without looking back.

-

Maybe it’s the fact that you’ve interacted more with Jisung in the past two days than to have in the past two years or maybe you were just feeling nostalgic, because there could be no other reason you find yourself reaching into the deepest part of your closet later that night, taking out the box for the first time since you bid that part of your life farewell all those years ago. 

It’s covered in a thick layer of dust that floats through the air as finally bring it out. You take a seat on the floor of your room and place the box in front of you, taking a deep breath before taking out the first item. A handheld mirror. 

You instantly find yourself smiling, the mirror had been a birthday gift from Jisung. You flip it to see the faded words written on the back, that cause your eyes to gloss over: 

“E`````very time you tell me that you hate the way you look, I lose brain cells bc you’re one of the prettiest girls out there. Please see what i see. Happy birthday, y/n - Jisung <3”

You remember using the mirror for practically everything after receiving it, feeling that it somehow made you beautiful. You turn it once again and look at your crying reflection, and you can’t help but think that maybe the effect has worn off after so many years. 

Wiping your tears, you continue to pull out items which mostly consisted of small drawings, key chains and picture frames. The last thing in the box was one of Jisung’s sweatshirts he had given to you a few days before he told you he didn’t want to be friends. You pull it out and examine it, you had worn it many times before he had given it to you but it still had his smell lingering on it. You don't know why but suddenly you’re being engulfed in his scent and your body is covered in warmth, the hoodie wrapping around you feeling so familiar it brings tears to your eyes once again.

You decide that you didn’t care if this was Jisung’s hoodie. It’s your hoodie now and you can wear it whenever you want (of course deep down you know that’s just an excuse to feel close to him once again.) 

Just as you’re about to start putting the items back in the box, you notice an envelope at the bottom of the box. You gasp gently as you pick it up, hands wrapping around the old worn out envelope, thick from all its contents. You spill them onto the floor and feel a tear drop down your cheek as you see all the different colored sticky notes splayed across your floor, all containing motivating messages and small drawings to make you smile. Jisung would give you one everyday and you would give him one in return, although you doubt he has kept his. 

Hundreds of papers that accumulated during the long years of friendship stare back at you. You cry as you read through them; some sweet, others silly and some that made your heart flutter even now. You try your best to stop your tears as wonder how all of these notes that meant the world to you, could cease so easily as if it never mattered. But then again, after the way things played out, you figure it never did.

-

Your interactions with Jisung for the rest of the week consists of nothing bit of small talk and one word responses. Until 4 days later, on Friday morning, Jisung breaks the silence after turning down the radio.

“You know, you should wait by the bleachers after school from now on.” 

His words produced a confused look on your face. The bleachers? You had just found a comfortable spot at a picnic table where there wasn’t many people that you comfortably do homework while you waited for him after school. “Why? What’s wrong with the picnic table?” 

Jisung’s grip tightens on the steering wheel as he searches his mind for a response, “It’s outside of the campus, something could happen to you.” 

Your eyes widen as you take in his words, did he just imply that he cares about you? After all these years, is the caring Jisung you knew coming back to you?

“And my mom would kill me if something happened to you.” He adds, you’re sure that if he were to have been looking at you, he would have seen you visibly deflate. You should’ve known better.

“I’ll be fine at my picnic table by myself.” You miss the perplexed look Jisung tried to conceal as you disagree with him. He rushes to search for another excuse to get you to do as he asked.

“The,” he pauses before adding quickly, “your picnic table is at the farthest point to the parking lot, i have to wait an eternity for you to get there after practice!”

You scoff at his selfishness and look out the window, “I’d rather you wait a bit than expose myself to those man eating baseball jocks.” It is a mutter, but Jisung hears every word.

“Man eating baseball jocks?”

“Yes, man eating baseball jocks. They’re all a bunch of assholes.” 

Jisung scoffs, offended. “We are not!” 

“I didn’t say you were, I said they were.” Your words seem to ease the tension in his body as he relaxes a bit in his seat before saying: 

“They’re… not that bad.” He doesn’t sound too convinced himself, his words sound forced and fake. Even then, you turn to him with a shocked look.

“Not that bad? Those guys terrorize almost everyone in our school and traumatize underclassmen.” You click your tongue, frustrated. “After everything they did and said to us, you’re telling me they’re not that bad?” 

It’s Jisung’s turn to be shocked at our sudden outburst for a few seconds before he composes himself once again, “That was back then, y/n. People change.” 

You stop yourself from reaching up as grabbing onto your hair in frustration, sitting back in the chair and looking out the window. You then say the words that would cause a longing silence for the rest of the ride to school; words that remain in Jisung’s head for the rest of the day. 

“I know that better than anyone.”

-

Jisung ponders your words for the rest of his day, absently staring at blank walls and laughing it off when his friends call for his attention. 

He knows that you have every right to be mad at him but he couldn’t help but feel knives prick at his heart as he runs the memory of you saying those bitter words that held so much weight and sadness to them. He reminisces all the times where he told you he would always be there for you, that he promised to be by your side forever, and tries to stop the stinging in his eyes. He wishes things could go back to the way they were, that he could tell you how sorry he is and you guys would be best friends again. 

As he stares at himself in the bathroom mirror, he shakes his head slightly, reminding himself that this is for the best. He tries his best to conceal his bloodshot eyes, rubbing his hands over his face and staring back into the mirror. Jisung practices his fake smile (although he’s almost a professional at it considering how much of that he’s been doing) in the mirror, and does what he always does: adjusts the new skin he has given himself and pushes old Jisung into a cage, throwing away the key. 

It’s for the best.

-

You chuckle halfheartedly at something Renjun says as you walk down the hall after school later that day. You feel a bit guilty that you’re giving your friend only a quarter of your attention but you can’t stop your mind from being preoccupied with Jisung. The guilty feeling  in your heart after your harsh words to him this morning being the only thing  on your mind when a hand wraps around your wrist, stopping you in your tracks and demanding your attention.

“Come with me.” Jisung stands towering above you, you give him a confused look, making a pathetic attempt to take your wrist out of his grip, only to have it tightened.

“Why would she want to go anywhere with you?” Renjun barks at Jisung, who sends a glare his way. 

“Because I’m her ride home, asshole. And I don’t want her sitting centuries away from the parking lot and then leave me waiting for her.” 

Renjun scoffs and moves forward only to have your free hand press against his chest, pushing him back. “Renjun, it’s okay. I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

Renjun shares an uneasy and concerned look between you and Jisung. You reply by nodding your head and smiling reassuringly, which causes him to finally cease and pull into a quick goodbye hug before walking towards the school gates.

Jisung pulls your arm, dragging you towards the bleachers where he sits you down with the calm words, “Wait here.” 

Your eye roll is a 7.1 on the Richter scale.

-

The rowdy baseball team leaves the locker room loudly, alerting you of their presence immediately. You take in a deep breath and try to make yourself as unnoticeable as possible though, you know your plan failed when a shadow is cast onto the notebook sitting in front of you. 

“Look who it is!” Over you stands, Jeno: captain of the baseball team (and mind controlling leader of all the jock minions. He is man eating baseball jock at its finest.) 

He smiles down mockingly, bringing himself closer to you. “What’s wrong princess? Cat got your tongue?” The taunt causes you to roll your eyes, moving to pack your stuff before things got bad. 

However, you figure Jeno’s plans seem to be different when he rips your backpack out of your hands and throws it on the ground next to you. He grabs your jaw harshly and forces your eyes to meet his, he speaks again, only this time, he says it lowly for only you two to hear. 

“You trying to get back in Jisung’s pants, huh? After all this time you still don’t understand that he doesn’t want you. He’s one of us now, y/n.” Jeno clicks his tongue as he pulls away and watches the emotions that inevitably settle in your eyes, no matter how much you try to conceal it. He laughs and reaches into his gym back, pulling out a water bottle and taking a short sip. He smirks and before you know it the cold liquid is being poured over your head, soaking your hair, clothes and school books. Jeno laughs once again, “You’re such a pity party, y/n.” 

Humiliated, you avert your gaze from him and meet eyes with Jisung, who watches the scene with an expression you can’t quite pinpoint, silent and making no attempts stop Jeno. Not that you expected him to. Even then, you get the same angsty feeling you get every time you realize he’s not who he used to be. 

You realize that holding in your tears is harder than you thought it would be when Jeno finally leaves, you pack your things as quickly as you possibly can and bolt out of there. Leaving a conflicted and guilty Jisung behind.

-

All that’s to be heard around you as walk home is the sounds of your small sniffles and the thud of your sneakers on the pavement below you. 

The cool autumn wind blows against your wet clothes and causes you to shiver, your body growing colder. 

Frustration and humiliation push you to walk faster as you feel the presence of a car moving slowly beside you. Jisung rolls down the window.

“Y/N! Get in the car!” 

You turn your face to him and begin walking faster, practically sprinting. Once you think he’s finally gone, you hear a car door slam shut and footsteps racing to catch up with yours. 

Jisung grabs your shoulder and spins you around to face him. “Getting home alone will only get the two of us in trouble.” 

You scoff, trying to mask your bloodshot, gloss eyes and emotional state. “Is that all you care about?” 

Jisung is quiet for a few seconds before asking, “Are you crying?” 

You freeze knowing you’ve been caught before turning and beginning to walk away, “Go away, Jisung.” 

Jisung moves to stand in front of you, and speaks in a boardline soft voice. “Just get in the car.” 

“Leave me alone.”

“I’m sorry about what happened, okay? I didn’t think they would do something like that.” 

You remain quiet, taking in his words. Jisung was never one to apologize even when you two were friends, his words shock you momentarily before you remember that this isn’t the Jisung you used to know. Maybe new Jisung says sorry without meaning it like the rest of the baseball jocks do. 

“Aren’t going to say anything?” Jisung masks his nerves over saying those words that are foreign on his tongue with impatience and indifference. 

Another breeze blows and Jisung watches in concern as you shiver, wanting nothing more than to rip the hoodie of his body and cover yours with it. 

“Take me to my house, please.” 

You figure it’s because of the unfortunate weather paired with your unfortunate situation or maybe it’s the fact that Jisung is standing before you asking for you to get in his car and saying sorry to you for the first time in his life. 

You wish it was the former.

-

As soon as the car comes to a stop, you reach for the handle to open the door to no avail. You turn confusedly to Jisung who sits in the driver's seat looking forward hand sitting on the control where the locks of the car are. 

“What are you doing? Open the door.” 

Jisung shakes his head and looks your way, “You never accepted my apology.” His eyes hold something truly desperate and troubled, you are shocked once again at the emotion you see in the boy who has been cold as ice to you for the last two years. 

Still, you recall the events that took place earlier that day and find yourself feeling bitter. “Was I supposed to?” 

“Yes!” Jisung looks at you wide eyed and offended, thinking you would know him enough to know how much those words meant to him.

“You don’t get to decide that, Jisung.” 

He scoffs, trying to mask his insecurities and guilt with frustration. “It wasn’t even that big of a deal.”

You let out your own scoff and turn in his direction, your glassy eyes causing Jisung’s stance to deflate slightly. “It was to me! I was so humiliated by those jerks and all you did was sit there and watch! You probably tricked me into going there in the first place, you... set me up. I should've known something like this would happen.” 

Jisung feels the cracks in his heart deepen as he takes in your words, the way you view him now evident. Even then, he tries miserably to defend himself. “I would never do that, I’m.. I’m not that cruel.” 

“I didn’t think so either Jisung. Not today and not four years ago when you left me to be one of those man eating, toilet licking jocks!” You look him straight in the eyes with your tear filled ones, “But you said it yourself: people change. And I don’t know who you are anymore.” 

The cracks go further down until they’ve snapped off completely, splitting Jisung’s heart in two and letting the pieces sink down his chest, pass his lungs to his stomach where he thinks it will remain for the rest of his life.

You, on the other hand, can feel nothing but the fear and embarrassment of having shared too much. Your hands move on their own as you attempt once again to open the door. 

“Y/N I-“

“Open the door, please.” This time, he does. No words filling the air as you rapidly gather your things and basically run into your house leaving Jisung alone in his car. 

Poor Jisung looks down at his poor hands, clenching and opening them to feel like he has control over something in his life. 

He’s not who he wants to be. He wants to be able to outwardly fanboy about video games and baseball to you like he used to. He wants you to call him stupid but still show interest to whatever nonsense comes from his mouth; he wants you.

His new skin has never fit this badly before.

Why the fuck is high school so hard?

-

When Monday morning comes around, Jisung holds his sweaty hands against the steering wheel of his car, waiting in front of your house. You’re late, (23 minutes to be exact; not that he’s counting) the fact making Jisung think that maybe Friday was the last straw for you, and that you were done trying to tolerate Jisung even for your mom’s sake. 

Even though he knows you have every reason to hate him, the mere thought makes it harder for him to breathe.

Deep in thought, Jisung doesn’t notice the figure walking towards the passenger side of his car until there is a knock on the window that causes him to jump. 

Jisung calms down upon seeing your mother at the window, an amused/slightly concerned look adorning her face. 

“Honey, I’m sorry for scaring you! I thought you saw me coming!” She chuckles out the last words and all Jisung can do is laugh nervously in response. “Anyway, Y/N isn’t going to school today, she has been sick all weekend. I think she got caught some rain on Friday and has a cold, she’ll be better soon I’m sure.” Your mother stops her rant to send an apologetic look Jisung’s way, “I’m sorry you had to wait, I told her to let you know so this wouldn’t happen, I guess she didn’t.”

Jisung shakes his head, “It’s okay, ma’am. I hope she feels better soon.” 

She gives Jisung a motherly smile that he has missed so much. He remembers all the days he would spend at your house and how your family basically became his own, all the times she would give him that smile before ruffling his hair. Jisung feels his eyes glass over and looks away. Your mother seems to notice and says in an affectionate, motherly tone: “Honey, everything is going to work out in the end.” 

Jisung sniffles as he lets tears freely fall down his cheeks, “I don’t know what to do.” 

She just smiles and leans further into the car, just enough to be able to reach out and wipe the tears from his cheeks. The familiar motherly gesture from her making him feel a little at ease for the first time in 4 years. 

“What do you want to do?”

What does he want? 

He wants to play baseball, he wants people to like him, he wants to be captain of the team one day, he wants to be the Park Jisung everyone loved and wanted to be. 

But… he also wants to be able to be the Park Jisung he used to be, who would obsess over video games and hang out at your house more than his own, who had you as a best friend and didn’t have to go to school worrying about his reputation

-

Now pacing a few feet from your front door, left hand holding a bag carrying your favorite soup and right hand rubbing nervously at his jeans, trying to get the sweat off of them, Jisung thinks that maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. 

What if your favorite soup changed?

What if your dog doesn’t like him anymore?

What if you don’t want to see him and tell him to get out? 

What if- 

“Jisung?” 

He nearly gets whiplash from how fast he turns to face your father who stands at the doorway smiling. “Long time since you’ve been here, what’s up?” 

Jisung laughs nervously, “Yeah, it’s  been a while…” He pauses, unsure on whether to ask for you or not. 

Then he realizes, just like your mother, your father was a second father figure to Jisung all throughout his childhood, he sees right through him and smiles knowingly. “She’s in her room.”

-

Your house hasn’t changed one bit since he stopped coming over. The same beige carpeted floors and the same pictures of the walls, even some of the two of you together as kids. 

He hears thudding on the floor and suddenly he’s being knocked over by a giant ball of fur that licks his face and excitedly wags its tail. Jisung feels some weight lift of his shoulders as he pets the dog, “I missed you too, Jojo.”

It’s strange how everything can be exactly the same but at the same time totally different. How everything between you two turned cold and these walls and this home were just waiting for him to get some sense knocked into him and come back finally. 

Maybe the walls weren’t the only ones waiting. 

-

After knocking on your door for several minutes with no response, Jisung decides to open the door a crack, just enough for him to be able to look inside and see you fast asleep. He ponders over what to do at your doorway, nervously looking at you from the door frame. 

After considering his options, he opts for just leaving the soup on your desk and leaving quickly, hoping your father tells you he stopped by. However, as he sets the bag on your desk something draped over your desk chair catches his eye. 

His sweatshirt.

Jisung reaches for it hesitantly, hand shaking for a reason he can’t pinpoint. His fingers meet the soft material of it’s fabric and he feels himself remembering all the times he had seen you the sweatshirt whenever you stayed over at his house. He recalls the night he walked dolefully to your house with the sweatshirt in his hands, on his way to cut things off with you. At the memory, he immediately reaches into the pocket, letting his hands search through it until it comes in contact with something.

It’s still there.

He wonders if you haven’t read it, or if you did and stuffed it back in the pocket and pretended you hadn’t, choosing not to dwell on the boy who left you.

He also wonders if you wear it, if you ever think about him when you have it on.

 If you get sad or if it’s warmth reminds you of the good times you spent together. Jisung grips the material in his fingers and brings it up to his chest. Eyes closed, he presses the sweatshirt close to his body. 

It smells like you. But it also smells faintly of him. Jisung smiles as breathes in the mixture of scents that brings back good memories. 

He can’t believe this sweatshirt as managed to keep the two of you together as he tore you apart. His want to fix things with you grows stronger and stronger as he stands in your room, gripping onto his sweatshirt.

Jisung hears a gasp and his eyes snap in your direction, your previously laying figure sits straight up on your bed with a frightened face, your hand over your heart. He freezes, unsure of what to do. 

On the other hand, your body relaxes slightly as you realize that it’s just Jisung and not a crazy axe murderer, although you can’t even imagine why he would be in your room right now. 

“Jisung?” The boy flinches as you say his name, before dropping the item he had previously in his hands onto the floor. You direct your vision to it and see his -your- sweatshirt which makes your confusion grow further. “What are you doing in here?” 

Jisung can’t help but look at your window like he wants to jump out of it. This was definitely not how it was supposed to go. “I- uh well uh your mom told me that you were sick and I thought that maybe you- wanted something to eat? I don’t know. So like I stopped by to bring you this soup. You don’t have to eat it if you don’t want to I just figured since you were sick and stuff you know… maybe you would want some… soup.” He finishes off his rant by pointing to your desk where he had set the bag earlier. 

You almost laugh at how awkward he’s being, though your confusion outweighs every other emotion. “Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why did you bring me this soup? Why are you in my room right now?” Your defenses start to come up as you realize how personal the situation is. 

Jisung is standing in your room for the first time in 4 years, he was holding the hoodie that used to belong to him and he brought you soup from the place you two used to go as children. 

Does he suddenly want to remember? Is this him trying to get back what he gave away?

“I just -“ He sighs, averting his gaze from you to the ground. “Look, I know what I did is terrible and that… you probably hate my guts after what happened… but I just wanted you to know that I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry about everything that has happened between us, including Friday, I just… wanted you to be able to see you and know that you were safe. Not for my mom but for me. I’m sorry for not defending you when the guys did that to you. I let my fear get the best of me like I always do.” He pauses to take a deep breath, simultaneously looking up finally to meet your eyes, you feel your heart contract at the sight of his red, tear filled eyes. “And I’ve been using my moms wishes as an excuse to be with you after so many years but it’s time you finally knew that truth, and it’s that I miss you and it’s sad but spending this week with you has made me feel more than I’ve felt in the past 4 years,” he hiccups as he speaks, “and I know that you probably don’t want anything to do with me and I get that. I really do but no one knows me like you do. No one. And you know I wouldn’t say this if I didn’t mean it but I’ll say it again and again and again…” A tear falls from the corner of his eye. “I’m sorry, y/n.”. 

You feel like you’ve been punched but also kissed and hugged tight after Jisung ends his emotional rant. 

His words cause a division in your heart and mind over what to make of them. 

Your mind says that this will end up like the last time, you’ll buy into all his fake promises and tears and fall for him all over again, only for him to leave you to pick yourself up after he decides he’s had enough of you.

However, your heart gives voice to the fact that this Jisung is strikingly similar to the Jisung you knew once upon a time. He is nothing like the Jisung you’ve seen for the last 4 years who is cold and mean; he is vulnerable and soft spoken, this Jisung just poured his heart out to you and is now standing with his arms wrapped around himself, awaiting your reply.

“Jisung, I-“ you stop yourself and try to choose words carefully while your heart and mind have a heated debate. “I think it’s best if you go.”

The way Jisung curls even further into himself makes your heart hurt, screaming even louder to let her opinion be heard. Fresh tears gather in his eyes that he immediately blinks away, nodding slowly. “I understand.” 

“I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to make of all this.” You try your best to not make him feel too horrible while simultaneously protecting yourself. 

His broken voice comes stuttering out, thick and sad, “Don’t be sorry, please.” 

He spares one last look your way before disappearing through your bedroom door. You hear his quick footsteps as he practically runs out of your house, leaving you alone with your conflicting thoughts and cold soup.

-

The energy of the events that took place in your room earlier seemed to still be circling around the room, bouncing off the walls and onto you. Sad and conflicting thoughts running through your head 100mph, leaving you restlessly tossing and turning in your bed later that night.

You sigh as you stare up at the ceiling, finally giving into the thoughts that have kept you awake. 

What did this mean to Jisung? 

What tables turned in his mind that caused the stone cold boy to come into your room (while you slept) with an order of your favorite soup to break down in front of you and go on a rant about how sorry he is?

And if he’s so sorry, why did he do it in the first place?

What changed from Friday to now?

Just when everything was getting better, why did Jisung have to come back into your life and make it complicated for you?

Should you forgive him? 

There’s a chance you could get your best friend back… but there’s also a chance he might break your heart again. 

You shove your blankets to the floor in frustration, rising off your bed and waking across the room to your light switch. However, on your decent, you step on something soft, only to realize that it’s the sweatshirt Jisung had been holding with tears in his eyes just hours ago. 

A sudden confusion washes over you for a different reason, why had Jisung been inspecting the sweatshirt in the first place? You curiously begin to reach into the pockets, immediately feeling the texture of paper on your hand. 

Your eyes widen as you pull it out, dropping the sweatshirt back onto the floor. The slip of paper is nearly folded and worn out at the edges, like it had been that way for a long time. Once unfolded, these slightly blurred words stared back at you: 

‘My y/n, please understand and please keep me as your favorite boy after this. I’m so sorry. When it’s time, please forgive me -Jisung’

You don’t notice that your eyes fill with tears until they’re dropping onto the small paper below you. 

Friday hadn't been the first time he said sorry to you, it was in this little slip of paper years ago.

You were sure he had put the paper in there knowing you probably wouldn’t find it, because there is no way you would’ve let him leave you if you heard those words then. There was no way you would let go of him.

There is no way.

-

Jisung seems shocked when you knock on the window of his car the next morning.

He had been waiting in front of your house, only 25% expecting you to actually ride to school with after what happened yesterday. Just as he was about to give up and begin his journey to school you present yourself before him with a familiar sweatshirt draped over your figure. 

He’s speechless as you get into the car and settle into your seat, only opting to talk a few minutes later. 

“What does this mean for us?”

He’s hopeful. God, he wishes he wasn’t this hopeful. 

You smile slightly, “I read your note… and I went through some of the letters you gave me a long time ago and some of our other stuff. And… I decided that if you’re really sorry, and if this isn’t some kind of sick prank… then maybe we can be friends again.”

Jisung tries to bite back his wide smile as you finish your sentence, but fails when a giggle leaves his mouth. He’s so so happy. This is the happiest he’s ever been.

You can’t help but smile as well, watching how giddy Jisung got, “What is it?”

Jisung gives you a close lipped smile and shakes his head slightly although, there is still a big smile waiting to break free. He remains that way while he puts the car in drive and pulls out of your street and onto the main road, where he suddenly says: “Does this mean I’m still your favorite boy?” 

Now it’s your turn to hold back a smile, “Maybe.” 

This time, Jisung lets him smile free, allowing you a view of his pretty, gummy smile and crescent moon eyes. He drums his fingers on the steering wheel and smiles all the way to school. 

-

Things at school remain the same after that. 

You two pass each other in the halls as if you were strangers, which, you admit, does leave a slight sting in your heart. However, that sting is overshadowed by how much things have changed between you and Jisung outside of school. 

No longer is the air thick or is there a silence that falls over you two as soon as you get in his car every morning. And no longer do you race out of his car as soon as he parks it in front of your house. Now, the atmosphere in the car is full with playful banter and laughs (with the occasional snorts.) 

It’s a light feeling; like you’ve put the last 3 years of your life behind you and have defied gravity and are currently floating multiple feet in the air, Jisung’s laughter and playful words surrounding you entirely. 

Even though things aren’t how they used to be, in some way, they are better. The new Jisung and the new Y/N get along surprisingly well despite what you may have thought. 

Especially at times like these, when Jisung hops into his car excitedly, animedtaly telling you to strap in quickly. 

“Where are we going?” You ask, though you’re smiling and slowly fasten your seatbelt. Jisung’s hands comes to rest on the back of your seat and he drives the car in reverse and out of its parking spot.

“You and I are going to Billy’s.” His gaze shifts to you briefly, before focusing back on the road, still smiling. He misses the way your eyes widen and your whole face brightens.

“I haven’t been there in a while.” You say, the driving boy nods in understanding.

“Me neither,” he progressively breaks his car until it comes to a stop at a red light. He takes this chance to look over at you and smiles softly, “We can go back together.”

-

Once you get to the ice cream shop, Jisung leads you to a table inside. “Wait here. I’ll go order.” You watch as approaches the counter, smiling brightly at the cashier, who greets him enthusiastically. Exclaiming for the whole shop to hear.

“Jisung! You’re finally back, man! It’s been ages!” You recognise the voice as that of Jaehyun, who had been a new worker when you and Jisung were regulars here. You’re shocked that he even remembers him. “Where have you been? Where’s your girl?”

Jisung’s face flushes, he clears his throat, “My girl?” 

“Yeah! What was her name again…” There is a pause in his sentence before he snaps his fingers, finally remembering. “Y/N!” 

Even though you knew what was coming, you still startle at the sound of your name; you anxiously await Jisung’s reply which comes a bit later, “She’s right over there.” He points to you and you immediately look away, pretending you weren’t listening. Jaehyun looks at you in shock before turning back to Jisung.

“It’s difficult to keep a girlfriend for that long in high school, I’m glad to see you guys together.” 

Jisung looks over at you once again except this time, you don’t look away. A soft smile rests on Jisung’s face. 

“Yeah, me too.”

-

“So I’m your girl?” 

You and Jisung are on your way home now with ice cream filled bellies after sitting in the shop and talking for 2 hours. You were wondering if you should address his interaction with Jaehyun the whole time, afraid that you would be overstepping. However, once the words leave your mouth, his cheeks flush a deep shade of red; darker than the one at the shop and enough to make your heart flutter but also swell with pride.

“Well, he said that.. And you know, I didn’t want to correct him or make him feel embarrassed or anything so I just went along with it. But if you mind, next time we-”

“I don’t.”

“Huh?”

“I don’t mind.” You’re feeling especially brave today, wanting so desperately to keep that blush on his face. 

Jisung looks over at you for a split second with a bewildered look on his face, coughing a bit, he answers in the most stable voice he muster, “okay.”

His answer is a calm and collected one, but his insides are all jumbled up and going crazy, the butterflies in his stomach reeking havoc.

-

3 days later, you sat at your desk with a thick textbook sat in front of you, you had been tentatively reading the pages for about two hours now, trying to cram as much information as you could for your test tomorrow when you are suddenly startled by a ‘ding!’ coming from from your phone. You smile as you see the message gracing the screen. 

jisung park [10:38pm]: hey :) 

jisung park [10:38pm]: you still up?

y/n [10:40pm]: yeah, studying

y/n [10:41pm]: what are you doing up?

jisung park [10:43pm]: i was about to go to sleep, then i saw your light on. decided to text you.

jisung park [10:45pm]: just wanted to check on you

Your heart speeds up and you allow yourself to smile widely, you begin to type a reply but halt as soon as you see the three dots appear on your screen indicating the Jisung is typing.

jisung park [10:47pm]: don’t overwork yourself 

jisung park [10:48pm]: wait i have an idea

Suddenly your phone is ringing, Jisung’s contact flashing on the screen only briefly as you answer, “Hello?” 

“Come to your window.” You can hear the excitement and enthusiasm through the phone and walk to your window, seeing the boy sitting by his own  window, curtains pulled back to show his smiling face which becomes brighter the moment he spots your face through the glass. When he speaks his lips move before his voice reaches your ears, but the lag is only a slight one.

“Now its like we’re hanging out, isn’t that cool?” 

You chuckle at the purity of this action and the shyness that drips off his words, “Yeah, how come we didn’t think of this before?”

“I don’t know. I guess i’m just a genius.” He laughs when you laugh at his joke.

The next few hours are spent talking about absolutely everything under the sun, school, friends, a new video game Jisung is obsessed with and the fact that the ice cream at Billy’s tasted better now that you guys went together again. 

Its nearing 1am when you finally look at the time, gasping. “Jisung, its almost 1.”

“Is it?” Jisung brings his phone away from him ear, looking down at it. His eyes widen when he spots the time, “wow, it is.” 

He brings the phone back up to his ear before looking at you, neither of you says anything, only staring at each other and listening to one another’s breathing through the phone. You can’t help but suddenly feel giddy, biting your lip slightly before chuckling, Jisung’s own chuckle following. 

“We should probably go to bed…” You watch as Jisung leans forward resting his forehead on the window sill, sighing.

“Yeah.”

When he makes no effort to move, you laugh and says in a sing-song voice: “Goodnight, Jisung.” 

He smiles warm heartedly before letting his soft voice transmit the words, “Goodnight, y/n.” Before you both hang up, he adds, “You turn off your light first.” 

You do as he says and he bids you farewell before the line goes dead, you stare happily at your ceiling while giggling and smiling to yourself. And in the house across from yours, Jisung is no different, hugging his pillow close and trying to contain his giddy noises. 

You both dream of each other that night. 

-

You knew Jisung was cute, but you didn’t know he was this cute. 

The realization comes 3 mornings after that night, the moment you step into Jisung car to go to school. He immediately shoved his phone in your face. You grow soft as you see the sight on his screen. 

“I made us a playlist!” He says enthusiastically, “so we don’t have to listen to shitty radio every morning.” 

The playlist was titled ‘y/n and jisung’s epic morning time playlist :D’, and it featured songs from all of your favorite artists. 

“I put songs in it I thought you would like, or that made me think of you.” He pauses, his cheeks flushing as he recalls his last words. “A-and some songs that I like too.” He tries desperately to play it cool but ultimately fails. However, you think this is the cutest thing you’ve ever seen. 

“That’s really sweet, Jisung. Let’s give it a listen.” 

Neither of you talk for the rest of the drive to school, choosing to listen to Jisung’s playlist. Which is the only thing heard aside from the occasional hum or drum of Jisung’s fingers on the steering wheel.

-

Once you arrive, Jisung stops you from leaving by grabbing your hand. You turn around to see what’s wrong and sees the blushing face of Jisung who is currently avoiding your eyes. 

“There’s a game today after school… do you maybe… wanna come? I mean, I know you never really go to these games but I thought maybe since we’re like friends now you might wanna come.” He rambles and you try your best to keep a straight face. 

You watch him become nervous at your stoic expression before chuckling, as soon he looks up at you and sees you smiling face he relaxes. “Of course I’ll go, Jisung.”

“Really?” You nod, his smile grows and he’s suddenly leaning over the center console and kissing your cheek lightly, deeming it your turn to blush. 

Jisung smiles smugly as he steps out of his car and walks towards the gates of the school, a pep in his step as he approaches the rest of the baseball team.

-

When you were making your way to the baseball field, you found yourself thinking that maybe coming here wasn’t the best idea. Considering how things went last time you were there and the fact that you and Jisung’s aren’t supposed to know each other in school. 

But now… you couldn't be more glad you came. Not when Jisung is tearing it up on the field, running at the speed of light towards each base, you can practically see the passion and determination to become victorious that takes control of his body and plays vigorously. 

He stands at the 3rd base, sweat dripping down his face, making way down his neck and pooling on the collar of his white uniform. His eyes are watching the player that’s about to bat. Slowly, he crouches slightly, putting his body in a position to run. And immediately after the sound of the ball hitting the metal bat rings through your ears he’s taking off at the speed of light towards home base, easily making it and leaving the opposing team’s players to huff frustratedly in the cloud of dirt that was left behind him. Jisung smiles smugly as everyone starts cheering for his home run. He knew they would never be able to catch him, not even in their dreams. 

It’s kind of hot.

As he walks towards the dugout, his eyes trail over the expanse of the bleachers, searching. You allow yourself to hope that he’s searching for you just this once and wave your hand slightly as his eyes meet yours. His narrowed eyes fully open and a smile graces his pretty face as he raises his hand to wave back before quickly looking away and walking into the dugout, the smile you had caused remaining on his lips.

-

Jisung is staring at his reflection in the locker room mirror, ruffling his hair repeatedly, trying to get the perfect visual for you, when he feels a hand clap down on his shoulder. He recognizes it as Jeno almost immediately, he tenses up. “There’s party at Jessica’s house tonight, post game celebration, you coming?”

Jisung maps out all the different ways to say no and not get questioned. Looking back on it, maybe the one he went with wasn’t the best idea. 

“I have... diarrhea.” 

Jeno steps back, confused. “Diarrhea? You were just on the field!”

Oh shit oh shit oh shit, “It was one of those sudden ones, you know? Kinda snuck up on me.” He tries to laugh it off, but feels himself cringing. “Wh-”

“Its really bad so i gotta get home as soon as possible or im just going to shit… everywhere. So i gotta go,” he begins to make his descent to the entrance of the locker room, grabbing his gym back quickly before Jeno can question him further. “Bye!” he quickly slips out the door, leaving a suspicious Jeno in his wake.

-

“You told him that?” You say through your laughs, hand falling over mouth as you snort loudly at Jisung’s red face and embarrassed smile. 

“I had no other choice! It was either that or get interrogated by Jeno for another hour.” Jisung can’t stop his own chuckle as he glances over momentarily to see hunched over, laughing loudly. He tries to conceal his laughter but eventually lets it out, “It is kind of funny…”

“Its hilarious!” Another snort leaves you and Jisung finally bursts out into loud laughter with you.

Your laughing fit lasts another few minutes and ends with the sound of your phone ringing. Your mother’s contact illuminates the screen, with laughter still evident on your voice you answer the call. “Hello?” 

“Hi honey, how was the game?” 

“It was good, we’re on our way home now.” 

“Good, well, your father and I decided to go out tonight, you know… like on a little date.” You find it endearing that you’re mother still becomes flustered when talking about your dad as if they started dating yesterday. “So that means you’ll have the house all to yourself, is that okay?” 

Your eyes travel to Jisung, an idea comes to your mind. “Yeah, mom. You guys have fun.” She laughs lightly on the other line saying she’ll make sure to before hanging up the phone.

As soon as you put your phone down, Jisung glances at you briefly before looking back at the road. “Was that your mom?” You hum in response. 

“She told me her and my dad were going on a date,” He chuckles, “that means I’ll be alone tonight...” Jisung nods slowly, not getting the point. You sigh, wondering whether you should even bring it up or not. When you think about it, the thought of you and Jisung alone at your house was oddly… suggestive. Even though those weren’t your intentions at all, the possibility of Jisung thinking that you wanted to get with him made you nervous. 

However, it seems Jisung had the same ideas as you because he’s suddenly taking a deep breath nervously drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. “You know if you don’t wanna be alone… we could hang out?”

You can tell he’s unsure and nervous and the fact makes you feel somewhat better. “You can come over to my house, it will just be us though, is that okay?” 

Jisung turns red which causes you to also turn that shade of crimson but even then, he nods. “Yeah, that’s okay.” 

Neither of you talk the rest of the way home, but the silence that surrounds you is comfortable, only serving to give your erratically beating hearts a break. 

-

“Jojo!” 

Your dog’s ears perk up as soon as she hears Jisung’s voice, quickly standing up to run at full speed past you towards the boy. Who crouches down and lets the dog lick his face excitedly, all while wagging its tail wildly. 

“Jojo! What about me?” 

Jisung laughs when Jojo completely ignores you to shower him with love. On the outside, you pout playfully at him but on the inside, your heart is doing somersaults at how cute the sight in front of you is. ...Also the way Jisung falls right back into his place of puzzle that is your life so perfectly it’s like he was never gone. He looks so at home in your house even if he has grown about 2 feet taller and gotten more mature throughout the years. He’s still the same piece that your puzzle has been missing to be complete. 

He’s still the same.

Jisung notices that you’re deep in thought and walks towards you, also noticing how you smiled slightly. “Is something wrong?” 

You shake your head quickly, smiling. It’s the kind of smile that never fails to make Jisung smile. 

“Nothing at all.”

-

4 movies, a 2 hour long conversation and 3 tickle fights later, you and Jisung are hungry. 

So you find yourselves in the kitchen, scavenging like racoons for anything you can find in the seemingly empty kitchen. 

After 5 minutes of searching and moping and whining from Jisung about how he’s to die if he doesn’t eat right now, you open a cupboard to see what might’ve been the equivalent to gold for you two at this point. 

Ramen. 

Only problem was: it was on the very top shelf and way out of your arms reach. Still, you try and reach the packets of noodles searching your arm to painful heights with small grunts and frustrated groans leaving you every now and then. They are immediately halted by the feeling of a body against your back, towering over you and reaching above for the ramen packets, whipping them off the shelf with ease. 

Jisung’s scent is surrounding you and overwhelming all your senses. When he doesn’t move away, you turn around to face him. You are so close you can feel his breath on your face and you can count every single one of his eyelashes. “Why didn’t you do that sooner?” You attempt to make the situation playful, but your low voice fails you. Jisung smiles slightly down at you before shrugging, “I wanted to watch you struggle for a bit.” His chuckles and flinches at you poke his side with your finger. His face settles into a soft smile as he looks down at you and you can feel yourself blushing. 

Jisung walks closer and closer to you until your fully pressed against the counter, never taking his gaze off you. “What is it?” You question, flustered. 

Suddenly, he raises his hands to cup the sides of your face and leans down to press a lingering kiss on your forehead before pulling away completely, turning to the stove and setting up the pot like nothing happened. 

You watch incredulously as the boy calmly rips open the ramen packaging, setting the water to boil. 

“What was that for?” You question the back of Jisung’s head, his neck is beet red as he shrugs his shoulders. 

“I couldn’t…” He hesitates, before turning around slowly, his eyes are staring at the ground, avoiding your own, “I couldn’t let that moment of courage pass. I’ve always wanted to do that and I was afraid if I didn't do it then, I wouldn't do it ever.”

Forget somersaults, your heart is doing full on acrobatics. 

Jisung looks up when you don’t reply, only to see you staring at him. He becomes increasingly more nervous under your gaze, that is until you find your words finally. 

“I was thinking earlier about how crazy it is.”

“What?” 

“You being in my house and looking like you never even left, how something’s really didn’t change…” you take small steps towards the tall boy, trapping him in between your body and the counter, as he had done to you earlier. “Yet others did.”

The words would’ve sounded bittersweet in any other context, but in that moment, Jisung understood exactly what you meant. He brings his hands up to cup your face once again, but instead of moving to kiss your forehead, he leans down further. 

Jisung’s breath fans on your face and his hands move further into your hair, lacing through it as you two come closer. You can practically feel his lips on yours, his-

“Y/N?” 

The two of you shoot apart quickly at the sound of your mother’s voice, Jisung turns to the stove where the ramen was currently boiling and you turn towards the counter and act busy with your phone. 

That’s how you are when your parents walk into the room, shocked to see Jisung there with you. “Honey, you didn’t tell me Jisung was staying over tonight.”

“Yeah, I forgot, sorry.” You say, your eyes stilling training on the counter top, your mom seems to notice the tension in the air when she asks, “ did something happen while we were gone?” 

You dare to look at Jisung, only to see the blushing boy already looking at you. He gives you a soft, knowing smile and you return it. Turning to your mother, you say, “Nope.”

Which ultimately translates to ‘definitely’.

-

Neither of you bring up the almost kiss you guys shared that night, but boy… did you think about it. While laying in bed, at baseball practice, during the morning car rides when you guys acted like you hadn’t basically confessed to each other just a few days ago.

It was the only thing on Jisung’s mind for the next few weeks, and he knew you were thinking about him too. From the way you would glance at him whenever you thought he wasn’t looking, to the silence that fell whenever you were deep in thought. 

Even though your thought revolves around Jisung, the are much different than the ones in his head. While Jisung was thinking about how you made his life brighter once again, yours were filled with an overwhelming amount of questions. 

What does this mean for the two of you?

Are you two going to date?

And if you do, will Jisung even allow you two to be seen out together? 

Will you be able to be Jisung’s girlfriend, out in the open? 

You remembered every time he had passed by you in the halls, as if you two hadn’t stayed up talking for hours the night before. As if you didn’t know each other. The thought of Jisung keeping you hidden from everyone forever scared you to no end. 

Although you knew that you were in for this when you decided to give Jisung your trust once again, you wondered how long you could handle being hidden, and if it really affected Jisung as much as it did you. 

You try desperately to settle your racing mind by telling yourself that you should just enjoy being with him for the time being, to appreciate the present instead of worrying about the future. 

So you don’t worry when Jisung pushes past you in the halls with the rest of the baseball team and you don’t worry when Jisung trails behind you as walk down the sidewalk when he sees someone from school and you also don’t worry when Jisung tells you to just wait a bit longer.

But you should’ve been worrying. 

You should’ve been worrying a lot.

-

A week later, Jisung tells you to come down to the locker rooms and wait for him there since practice was going to drag on a little longer than usual. 

You do as he says and walk down towards the gym, a pep in your step at the thought of seeing the boy you haven’t had a moment with all day. You movements are halted suddenly as you hear the echo of Jeno’s voice through as you wait by the door of the locker room. Jisung’s familiar voice reaches your ears as well but you can’t really make out what he’s saying. Out of curiosity, you lean closer to the door. 

You hear Jeno’s voice first.

“-That chick has been hanging around you a lot, recently. Are you guys a thing or something?” 

You were aware you were ‘that chick’

Jisung freezes. “ What chick?” 

“Y/N.” 

You tense at the mention of your name, growing nervous at of the things they would say. “Oh…” you hear Jisung say, “Well, I already told you, my parents make me drive her to school.”

“But that doesn’t explain why you guys are always together, I see you after school at Billy’s, you know.” Jeno questions him with no mercy, causing Jisung to grow more and more nervous, racking his mind for any words to get himself out of the situation. “You know I would never date her, man.” He pauses, “I left her for a reason, my mom would kill me if I left her alone every day, she barely has any friends.” 

You feel like you’ve been stepped on by Jisung’s shoe that he keeps twisting and stomping with you under until you’re nothing but dust scattered across the gym floor. “Good, cause that would be embarrassing, dude.”

“Yeah, totally, she’s nobody to me.” Replies Jisung. 

Nobody to him runs towards the door gym entrance and keeps running until she reaches the school gates, desperate to get away from the boy who has successfully, once again, broken her heart.

-

The continuous vibrations of your phone cause a frustrated groan to come out of your body. You reach angrily into your bag and pull it out seeing the contact you had expected to see: Jisung. There’s plenty of texts from him too, asking where you were and telling you that you should probably go home since it’s late. You shut down your phone and shove it back in your bag, taking a deep breath before continuing your walk, despite the heaviness of your feet and the want to just lie on the ground and cry. 

Why did he have to fuck everything up? Just when everything was so perfect? Just when things were getting back to normal, and you two shared the same heart you did 4 years ago, why did Jisung have to remind you of the harsh reality that he cares more about his stupid reputation than your feelings? Why was he such a coward?

So many thoughts run through your head that you don’t notice a car pulling up next to you until you hear a voice shout out: “There you are, I figured you left ‘cause I took too long at practice, hop in.” He unlocks his car and looks at you expectedly. 

You ignore his words and keep walking forward, a new found determination to get away from Jisung and into the comfort of your room, where you can hide under your covers and never come out again. You hear his voice but are to focused on getting away from him to comprehend any of the words leaving him mouth.

That is, until he’s standing directly in front of you. “What’s up with you? Did something happen at school today?” Once he catches sight of your eyes, his widen in concern, hands immediately reaching up to grab your shoulders. “What’s wrong?” 

You push his hands off your shoulders bitterly, “You don’t have to worry about waiting for me tomorrow morning or any day after that, I’m walking myself to school from now on.”

Jisung’s face contorts in panic and confusion at your words. “Woah, what?” 

You make an attempt to walk past him, only for his hand to wrap around your wrist. You meet his desperate eyes with your own, “Y/N, just tell me what happened and… I’ll fix it, okay? Just tell what’s wrong.” 

Your lip quivers as you stare at the boy across you. “I heard you, Jisung.” 

“What?”

“When you were talking to Jeno earlier in the locker room, when you said I was nobody to you. I heard you.” 

Jisung freezes and you watch as the confusion on his face is replaced with realization, and fear. His chest dips more as his breathing grows deeper. “Please…”

You yank your wrist out of his hand which remains suspended in the air between you in shock. “Please? Please what? Forgive you? Why did you say that, Jisung?” You run your hands through your hair in frustration before feeling your shoulders deflate. “I thought that maybe we had something… or that you liked me or whatever but I guess not-“

“I do like you. I do, but it’s… not that simple.” He avoids your eyes like the plague now. 

“Why? Why is it not that simple?”

He breathes in deeply before carefully replying, “You know how it was back then… with the baseball team and the bullying. I don’t want to do that again, I’m… I’m sorry.”

He’s trying to tell that you bring him down. You bring your hands over your eyes to conceal the tears in them and turn away from the guilty boy. “Just let me go home.”

He grabs onto you once again and desperately pulls you against him, hugging you close to his body. “No. Please, I don’t want our friendship to end again. What we have right now is good, let’s just get in the car and we can go to Billy’s and I’ll buy you a milkshake and-“

You shove Jisung away from you and look him directly in his eyes that are filled with regret and fear. “I don’t want to get milkshakes with you! What we have isn’t good! I’m your secret! I’m like a guilty pleasure of yours and I don’t deserve that, Jisung.” Your lip quivers once again as Jisung nods at your words, hands reaching to grab your shoulders. 

“I know that, it’s true. You don’t deserve anything I’ve put you through but please, don’t leave me, I’ll do anything.”

Your sadness is masked by a sudden surge of anger. Want to hurt him the same way he hurt you takes over you as you push his hands off you roughly. “There’s nothing you can do. You wanna know why? Because you’re a coward Jisung. And you have to realize that all your problems would be fixed if you would just grow a pair!” You breathe deeply as you watch Jisung’s face scrunch up at your words. “And this time, it’s me leaving you and it hurts, doesn’t it?”

Jisung watches in silence as you turn and walk around the block,out of his line of vision. 

-

Once the door of your room slams behind you, you lock the door to prevent any questioning from your mother and immediately hide your body under the covers. 

The sound of your soft sobbing flow travel through the space of your dark room. You take this time to let your brain tell your heart “I told you so!” And reprimand it for even thinking that things with Jisung would be any different because he brought you fucking soup. 

You were so naive to even hope that he would give up his stupid reputation for you. That he would’ve said anything else to Jeno that day. That you thought he liked you enough to be able to put you first.

God you were so stupid and naive. 

The frustration and sadness you felt was none like any other, you wanted nothing more than to rip every single one of your hairs and never leave your room again. 

The only source of light into the room is your window, you frustratedly get up, throwing the covers off of you angrily and march towards the window. Once you reach it you catch a glance of Jisung sitting by his own bedroom window, leaning against the frame and looking outwards your house sadly. He perks up when he sees you at your window, he is hopeful. You falter but then remember what just earlier that day and make direct eye contact with him as you let the blinds fall over the window, plunging your room into complete darkness.

Never again.

-

The spot on the bleachers where you sat last time is empty, causing an angsty feeling to rise in Jisung’s chest. The kind he’s been getting a lot recently when he sees you leaving your house every morning without him, and type he gets when he sees you in the halls laughing with your friends, knowing that could’ve been him if he hadn’t been such a pussy.

The rowdy boys around him yell and stretch, prepping for the game ahead. However, Jisung can’t find it in himself to even move, staring at the dirt below his sneakers and ignoring anyone who tries to start a conversation ; his teammates’ confused stares going unnoticed by him. 

As he stares at his feet, he catches sight off the worn down marker ink that you had drawn under his shoe, which you had written a few days before he joined the team, before he walked out of your life. You had been just as excited as him (maybe even a bit more) when he told you he was trying out for the team. He told you to write something that would give him strength on the field; you enthusiastically grabbed a marker and write on the side of his shoe: 

“You’re going to do great today! You’re my favorite boy! <3”

He moves his foot to get a better view of it. A faint smile dusts on Jisung’s face, before immediately disappearing when he remembers what he did and that those days were no longer. Because he ruined it. Again.

“Alright boys! Showtime!” The Coach Suh’s loud voice causes the dugout to immediately grow silent as he begins to discuss strategies with the team, all the players listen attentively. Jisung tries his best to listen to the coach’s words but still can’t focus on anything but that damn empty seat.

-

As Jisung waits in the dugout from his turn to bat he is still not able to keep his mind off you. He keeps trying to focus on the game instead of you but it seems like Jeno has other plans. 

Jisung feels Jeno tap his shoulder to get his attention, when Jisung faces him, he smiles smugly and leans back, crossing his arms.  “You weren’t at the party last night, should’ve been.” 

Jisung shrugs, “I wasn’t feeling it.” Jeno leans forward to whisper into Jisung’s ear.

“That y/n was there, I had to have a go.” 

Jisung feels his blood run cold, nerves and new waves of angsty feelings rushing through him at the thought of you and another guy. Of you and Jeno. It can’t be true. You wouldn’t. “A go?”

“You know, like sex.” He replies easily, laughing. “She said she didn’t want it though. But they always say that, she’ll come around.” 

Heavily breathing, Jisung questions, “What makes you so sure?”

“She’s a slut, Jisung. She’s always wanted to get with one of us. Why do you think she was after you? She’s just a lonely slut looking for some dick.” 

Jisung knows better, he knows your likes and dislikes, she knows that you would never value sex over anything. He knows you’re not any of the things Jeno says you are. “That’s not true… she’s not a.. slut.” 

Jeno scoffs before nudging Jisung slightly. “Come man, don’t be like that, I’m just saying the truth, she’s just a little whor-“

Jisung’s face flushes with anger and his hands begin to shake, before moving on their own and landing a punch on Jeno’s ill speaking lips, causing his head snap back at the force. 

His fingers graze the fresh cut on his lip as he sends Jisung an incredulous look. “What the hell, Jisung?”

Jisung can’t believe he just did that, however, the adrenaline and anger provoked action felt amazing. Protecting and defending you felt amazing. And he’s not letting that go now. 

It doesn’t feel that good when Jeno lands a punch on his face in return. It makes him dizzy for a second, the world spinning while he tries to recover from the blow the stronger boy has given him. 

A sudden determination comes over him, and suddenly he’s straddling Jeno while landing punches on the boy’s already bleeding face, Jeno gets in his blows too. Busting Jisung’s lips and bruising his skin for sure.

It’s unknown to Jisung how long the fight lasts, or how long it takes for the coach to notice what was going on before he leaves the field and rushes into the dugout to stop the fight. 

The Coach’s voice sounds distant to Jisung’s ears when he yells for the to break it up, like hes at the bottom of a swimming pool at a party, listening to the music, talking and laughing of the people above the surface. “Park, Lee! Break it up!” 

The two boys are relentless, struggling against each other on the dirty ground of the dugout. One is battling for his own pride and image but the other battling for so much more: for the person he was, for the girl he left behind all because this toilet licking asshat baseball jock told him he wasn’t good enough.

This is it. Jeno can’t control him anymore.

Arms wrap around Jisung’s waist and pull him off of Jeno, who continues to glare and yell things at Jisung that he can’t make out as Coach Suh drags him out of the dugout away from Jisung. The person carrying him pushes him on to the bench of the dugout. His closest friend, Chenle, begins to speak.

“What the hell was that, man?” Chenle questions, looking at his best friend with a look that was both confused and concerned. Jisung feels the eyes of the entire baseball team on him. It makes him a bit uneasy but even then, he replies as calmly as he could.

“He was saying stuff about Y/N.” Chenle immediately calms, knowing the struggles his best friend has with the girl in question. However, another curious player makes his own question for the boy. 

“Bro, why do you care? I thought your parents were making you babysit her?” He is taken aback by the reply he is given.

“I care because I’m in fucking love with her, man.” Jisung drops his head into his hands, not in shame, but in frustration. Because those words feel so good coming out of his mouth; so honest and pure. And he held back from saying them all these years due to his own cowardly mindset. He ruined all his chances to be with you and betrayed your trust beyond repair. Before he can stop them, tears flood his eyes and a sob claws its way up his throat.

The other players watch their teammate break down after proclaiming his love a girl in shock, standing still, not knowing what to do. Chenle is the first to react by approaching his friend, carefully saying: “You should take a shower to cool off, it’ll help you.” 

Jisung nods weakly and lets his friend lead him to the locker room. 

As he watches the distraught Jisung disappear into the locker room, another player goes on a guilt fueled search for Y/N.

-

The sound of your footsteps echo off the walls of the empty hallway, you’re absolutely positive all the students are at the game. You bitterly think of all the plans you and Jisung had made for this very day. How you guys would get milkshakes after they won, how after the season was over you were planning to tell Jisung how you felt and especially about how all those plans were crushed under the rough soul of Jisung’s playing shoes.

You sigh as you make your way towards the entrance, ready to curl up in bed and forget the world (something you have been getting exceptionally good at recently). When you figure out that -once again- the universe has different plans in store for you. 

The universe comes in form of player number 13, Jaemin Na, clutching on your wrist and halting all of your movements. “Y/N?”

Once your mind registers the face in front of yours, you instantly rip your hand out of his grasp. “What do you want?” 

Jaemin looks slightly defeated at the sound of your tone but tries his best to explain the situation. “Look, I know that I have been absolutely terrible to you throughout the years, i'm sorry about that and I understand if you don’t want  to hear a single word  i have to say but this is about Jisung.” 

You ears practically perk up at the mention of his name and you grow concern as you ponder what it is Jaemin could be talking about. “What happened to Jisung?” 

“There was a fight during the game today, Jisung was involved.”

“He was involved? Is he okay?” You don’t bother to hide the concern in your voice when you throw the questions at the boy in front of you. 

“He’s fine, physically. But I think he needs you right now, Y/N.”

You look at the boy incredulously for a few seconds before looking down when you realize that he was serious about his words. You wrap your arms around yourself before shaking your head. “No… he can’t need me, he said I was nobody to him.” 

Jaemin scoffs at walks closer to you making direct eye contact, “I don’t know what he said before, but the reason he got into a fight with Jeno was because he was saying some shit about you.”

“What?” 

“And he just told the whole baseball team that he was in love with you.”

“WHAT?”

You try your best to process that information, staying silent while Jaemin stands anxiously in front of you. 

“You love him too, Y/N.”

You stare at him while you think. 

What if this ends up just like last time? With your heart in a million pieces all because of Jisung’s unhealthy concern over his reputation? But he said he loved you, and in front of the whole baseball team, apparently. 

So what does this mean? What should you do? What if now Jisung is ready to be there for you like he couldn’t be before? Maybe you’ll get the happy ending 14 year old you always wanted… 

“He needs you, y/n. Please.” Jaemin pleads, his eyes staring into yours and suddenly everything clicks. 

He needs you. Like…really needs you. And before he was the boy who left you stranded and broke your heart, he was your best friend who was always there for you whenever you needed him. 

You throw all selfish feelings to the wind and nod your head towards Jaemin, who sighs in relief. 

You go to turn before stopping in your tracks and facing the baseball player, who looks at you with a confused expression. You smile softly at him, “I forgive you, Jaemin.” 

You miss his teary smile as only seconds later your taking off down the hall in direction of the baseball field. 

-

After asking around, you finally get the information that Jisung was currently in the locker room. Which you stand in front of, breathing in deeply before pushing open the door. 

Most of the players have gone home, resulting in you being greeting with an empty locker room. The only sound is that of a single shower turned on and the silent sniffles of the boy you were searching for. 

“Jisung?” You say hesitantly, taking small footsteps towards the showers. He doesn’t reply. 

You knock softly on the shower door, “Jisung, it’s me. Are you okay?”

He sniffles once again, though this time, you can tell he’s trying to sound fine. “Yes.”

Not convinced, you say in a gentle tone: “Can you come out?” 

It takes a few moments before you hear the stream of water silence and the towel hung up on the shower down disappears from your view. Then the door opens revealing Jisung, who’s hair is sleek against his forehead and his eyes are trained towards the floor. You can’t help but gasp as you see his face, cut and bruised, it makes your heart hurt. There’s nothing but a towel wrapped around his hips, which allow you a full view of his bruised torso. 

You want nothing more than to take his face in your hands and somehow take all his pain away. “Jisung…”

“Hi.” 

If you thought you had Jisung at his worst, you were wrong. Not only was he physically hurt. His eyes were bloodshot and his bony shoulders hang low from exhaustion.  He looks so vulnerable, standing basically naked in front of you, looking like the world just betrayed him in the cruelest of ways. 

You do the only thing you can think of doing. You reach forward and pull his body against yours, hugging him close. 

It takes him some time for him to hug you back, but eventually his arms wrap around you slowly before they completely engulf you, pressing you harder against him. He lets the tears fall from his eyes and onto you shoulder, his body shaking with sobs.Your bodies slowly sink down until you’re both sat on the floor, his significantly larger frame fitting into your arms as you continue to hold him tight, letting him cry into your neck and chest. His large hands hold onto you, tightly gripping your clothes and bringing your body closer to him. 

You stroke his hair in an attempt to calm him, gently telling him It’s okay, that you’ll be here until he’s okay. And to not worry, that you’re not going anywhere. 

Your words make Jisung look up at you with blood shot eyes, sniffling softly. His eyes search yours for any hint of insincerity but all he finds is the comforting, caring gaze of his best friend. He smiles although ever so lightly. Your hands move to his face and you use your thumbs to wipe his tears away. You lean forward and press a soft kiss to his forehead. 

“Let’s go home, okay?” 

-

It isn’t until 3 days after you drop Jisung off at his house that afternoon that you finally see him again. 

3 days of planning scenarios out in your head on how you would go about this moment when it finally arrived and pondering whether Jisung meant every word he said that day. If he’s finally ready and what that would mean for you two.

These led you to right now, laying in bed staring restlessly at the ceiling, when your phone suddenly illuminates, a loud ‘ding!’ sounding through the room. Before checking your phone, you look towards your bedside table where you alarm read in bright read letters: 2:56am. 

Confused, you grab your phone to see who could be messaging you at the ungodly hour. 

You gasp slightly and feel your heart rate pick up as you see the notification. 

jisung park [2:54am]: come to your window.

You hesitate, wondering why he wanted to talk now of all times, but eventually find yourself slowly walking towards your bedroom window. Once you arrive, you see Jisung, who had been looking at your window expectedly only to nervously look away when you came into his line of vision. You can’t make out what expression he is wearing but you’re aware of his nervousness, that matches your own. 

Jisung looks down at his lap, where his phone was, taking it into his hands and waving it slightly at you. You nod, and even though you were expecting his phone call you still startle when the ringtone blasts through the room. Jisung watches carefully as you pick up your phone, silent raising it to your ear. 

The silent remains, the only noise present is the sound each other’s breathing through the phone. After some seconds, Jisung is the first to speak. 

His soft voice sounds so hurt and broken in your ear, it takes you back to that time in the locker room when you held him in your arms as he cried, “Y/N…”

“Jisung,” you pause, “what are you doing up so late?” 

He chuckles bitterly, wiping away a tear you hadn’t known was falling. “I couldn’t sleep, and I just… wanted to see you.” Jisung avoids your eyes, and picks sadly at the cracking paint of his window frame. 

“Are you sure that’s the only reason?” You ask. Jisung finally looks at you, before slowly shaking his head.

He breathes in deeply and keep his eyes on yours. His gaze is intense enough to make you feel like he was in the same room and not in completely different houses. 

“I’m sorry for what happened,” you grip your phone tighter at his words. “At the locker rooms that day and all those years ago when I told you I didn’t want to be friends anymore. I just… wanted to be on the baseball team so bad and I wanted to have this high school fantasy that I saw in all the movies and I let Jeno get into my fucking head, I believed him when he told me that the me I was then was worthless, and that I had to leave everything behind to be like him. I believed him like such a fucking pussy, y/n. And I hurt you. Over and over again because of my god forsaken reputation that he kept telling me I had to keep.” He raises his free hand in frustration, “and this reputation took so much out of me, it was like whenever I looked in the mirror I was this manufactured version of myself that I created just to satisfy Jeno and the rest of the man-eating toilet licking baseball jocks,” you chuckle softly as you recognize those words as your own, “and then you came back into my life… and at first I thought that I could do it, that I could keep this front up but I was wrong. Because the second you came back to me, I already felt like myself again. It was like an instinct to be my unfiltered self around you and it scared me so bad, y/n. It scared me because I liked being myself with you so much and I couldn’t hide it…” he breathes in, “so I allowed myself to keep you a secret, and to hurt you and treat like a guilty pleasure all because I wanted Jeno to think I was one of them. And now I realized that I don’t have to be like him or anything he wants me to be,” Jisung’s pleading gaze looking at you through your window and you realize that your own eyes are leaking tears on to your cheeks, which you brush away, “I just wanted to be yours, and I’m sorry that I didn’t put you first like I should have.” 

When you don’t say anything he adds, “I’m sorry for ranting so much, I j-“ Jisung stops talking as he sees you shaking your head.

“Don’t be sorry, Jisung.” You take a minute to compose yourself. You take a minute to think if what you are gonna ask of him is even reasonable on any level, or if it even makes sense. Ultimately, you decide that nothing that has happened in the last 4 years has really made any sense at all, there was no use in trying now. 

“Can you come over?”

You watch Jisung’s expression turn from anxious to shocked in a matter of seconds, “wh- now?”

You now assertedly, “Yes, now.” 

Jisung ponders over it for a few seconds before nodding, “okay. Yeah.”

You hang up first and walk away from the window,. 

You move towards your closet, taking out the box you had stored Jisung’s belongings in. You search for the worn down envelope you had stored all his letters in, you take out the one he had stored in your sweatshirt and run downstairs. 

The desperate need to see Jisung overcomes you, your feet moving quickly towards your front door which you hastily rip open to reveal the face of the boy that occupies the majority of thoughts. 

You catch of his open bedroom window behind him, and his disheveled hair, a clear indication that he snuck out that way. Your eyes widen, “Did you just jump off the roof your house?”

Jisung breathlessly looks back at his two story house and nods, “I guess I did,” He looks back at you, explaining, “It would've been too noisy to go out through the front door.”

His serious expression reminds you of why you called him here in the first place. 

You hesitantly hold up the note to his face:

‘My y/n, please understand and please keep me as your favorite boy after this. I’m so sorry. When it’s time, please forgive me -Jisung’

He looks down in shame when he sees the note, the regret of his actions behind the note washing over him as soon as he finished reading it over. You shake your head at his actions and reach forward to grab his chin, stepping into his line of vision. Once you’re assured that you two are holding steady eye contact, you begin to speak. “Don’t feel bad, please. I brought this down here so you could see it and know that… I forgive you, Jisung. For everything. Now that i know why you did what you did, everything feels so much better. I thought that you had dropped me because you didn't want you me anymore and I was so scared and upset and I told myself I would never talk to you ever again. I told myself that I didn't need you. But I did. I still do.” You stop to collect your thoughts momentarily, “When you left there was a Jisung shaped hole in my life that couldn't be filled by anyone and when you came back, you fit right in like you had never left and everything was just so … perfect. It was like I was not really me while you were gone, it was so weird.” 

Jisung nods, “I felt the same way.” This makes you smile, which makes him smile. 

“I think that the reason I was able to keep up that front for so long, because we weren't together, I don’t know what it is but you are the best part of me, and without i felt like an… unfinished puzzle.” 

He watches you nod eagerly as you agree, “Yes!” 

You two stay in a comfortable silence for a few seconds before you’re stepping forward so that your faces where less than an inch away, Jisung looks down at you before smiling and wrapping you in his arms. 

He feels emotional suddenly, the very fact that he has finally achieved the one thing he’s wanted for the past four years: your complete forgiveness. Jisung grips your clothing and pulls you closer, assuring that every part of your body is pressing against his. “I’m-“ he cuts himself off as he hesiatates, “I don’t know if this is too sudden or anything but I just- I wanted to- I- fuck-“

You can’t help but chuckle at his nervous stuttering, you pull away from your hug and look at the once again nervous boy. “What is it?” 

Jisung breathes in, “The day you overheard Jeno and I had bought you this,” He shrug off the backpack you don’t notice he had on and reaches inside of it pull out what looked like an animatronic penguin holding a pink heart that read, ‘I love you’. “I was going to give to you that day and like confess? I guess, I didn’t know what you were gonna say when you told me to come over but I figured if I bought it I should give it to you.” His hand comes up to rub the back of his neck in a nervous habit. “I was going to tell you how I felt that day, but you know things didn’t go as planned that day. And if you don’t feel the same that’s totally fine, I just.. wanted you to have it.”

You breathe in to speak when you thought his rambling had come to an end but Jisung stops, he leans down quickly to set the penguin on the floor of you patio before pressing a button. Music plays from the toy as it cutely dances. “It… dances.” 

Jisung is sweating. You almost feel bad for him. “I can see that.” You reply with a chuckle. 

It dawns on you that there was nothing (nothing) more Jisung, than this.

There’s nothing more Jisung than him standing in front of you, sweating, confessing to you with an animatronic dancing penguin. 

Nothing so Jisung, nothing so like the boy you love. 

Suddenly, you’re stepping over the penguin separating you two, and closing all the distance between you and Jisung, crashing your lips onto his. It takes the shocked boy a few seconds to process the situation, before his hands are finding their place on either side of your face. The way he moves his lips against yours is clumsy, but it’s everything you could’ve ever imagined.

Jisung sighs, and you can tell it’s everything he’s ever wanted too. He attempts to pull you as close to him as physically possible, wanting nothing more than to be closer to you. 

You pull away for air, but don’t move away from Jisung, who breathes deeply through his smiling, pink and swollen lips. He laughs breathlessly, “oh my god.” 

His laughter produces a chuckle of your own. “What?”

He shakes his head, smiling. His forehead rubs against your as he does so, and his hair tickles your face. “I’m so in love with you.” He watches you with soft eyes. 

You think that your heart is past the point of just bursting; it's like an atomic bomb that is capable of wiping out the entire population if Jisung didn’t stop being so damn cute.

You peck his lips softly before hugging him tight. “And I  love you.” 

And there you stay, until the sun rises and shines upon the two of you, whispering faint confessions of love to each other over and over while the penguin continues to sing It’s cheery tune next to you. 

-

“What the f-“ your mother stops in her tracks as soon as she opens her front door to find you and Jisung asleep on the patio of her house, curled up to one another for warmth. 

She looks around confusedly, wondering what the hell happened last night. But then she notices the way Jisung’s arm wraps around you tightly, keeping you close and the way you hands grip his clothes even while you sleep and she thinks she has an idea of what went on here last night.

After snapping a picture of you two to send to Jisung’s mother, she watches you and sighs, making eye contact with brightly colored penguin standing by her feet. 

“What are we gonna do with them?”

-

[1 year later, Senior Prom]

“I still don’t get why we can’t just get ready together.” 

You sigh as Jisung complains through the phone for what feels like the 100th time. “I already told you Jisung, I want you to be surprised when you see me! Remember that I’m not just your best friend anymore, I’m your girlfriend now, and I wanna look pretty for you.” 

“You always look pretty to me.” 

“I know! I just- It’s prom, okay? I want it to be perfect.” 

“It will be, okay? Come to your window.”

You do as he says and peek through your window to see an extremely not ready looking Jisung through his window. “Jisung! Prom is in an hour!”

“I know. I just wanted to be alone with you for a bit before we have to spend the whole night with our friends.” He pauses, and points to the window frame recalling the memory of last fall when he did this exact same thing fri the first time, “it’s like we’re hanging out, isn’t it cool?” 

You chuckle lightly, “Very funny.”

“Come on, y/n! Don’t you think I look better in my jersey anyway?” You take notice of the familiar jersey that is draped over his frame. It’s his baseball jersey that he never seems to take off ever since he was named Captain of the team when Jeno was kicked off last fall. And though he should be already wearing his tux, you’ll admit that the jersey does look a different kind of hot on him. 

“It’s not that bad.”

He laughs at your comment and takes a breath to speak, before being interrupted by his mother coming into his room and yelling at him to hurry up and get ready. He sighs and tells her he’s on it. “I guess that’s my cue.” 

“I’ve been telling you it’s your cue for the past 4 hours.” You say playfully, Jisung laughs. You watch him reach for his towel and throw it over his shoulder, waving at you through the window. 

“I love you, babe.” 

You smile when he says that, feeling like it’s the first time he’s ever said it. “I love you too, silly.”

“Ohhh, are you blushing? That’s so cute!” He coos point a finger at you through the window. 

“Go get ready!” You say in stern yet playful voice as you attempt to conceal your flustered date from your boyfriend. He laughs and says he’s going before hanging up to phone and leaving you to finally get ready in peace.

-

“Woah.”

Is all Jisung can say when he finally sees you. You walk down the steps of your house to meet him at his car, the tail of your dress flowing behind as you approach him. 

Now, Jisung always thought you were the most beautiful person in the world but… shit! You look so gorgeous. You give him chills.

“Jisung?” 

He realizes he’s just been frozen this whole time, and finally takes action reaching into his car and bringing out the corsage he bought to match your dress. He puts it on you, and steps back to admire you. Jisung takes a deep breath through his mouth and leans back, dramatically. The dramatic action from your boyfriend causes you to laugh. “What?” 

“You look like… ugh! You’re so beautiful.” He reaches forward and brings his hands to your face, bringing you closer and pecking your lips lightly as to not ruin your lipstick. You laugh and step back to admire your boyfriend. 

His black tux suited him well, and his hand styled his hair up for the night, giving him a cooler and sharper look to the one you’re used to. You like it. You liked it a lot. “What about you? You look like a million bucks! All the girls are gonna be all over you.” You say it jokingly, but Jisung leans forward once again.

“Too bad I’m taken, and I’m whipped too so I wish them luck trying to get through to me.” 

Yo laugh at his words and push his shoulder lightly. He smiles at you and attempts to wink, only fail miserably and a laughing fit to interrupt in between you two.

-

After posing for pictures at your mothers in front of your house for what feels like forever, you and Jisung finally arrive at prom. Jisung holds your hand as he walks in.

Chenle and Jaemin, two of his friends from the baseball team you had grown fond of, and Renjun find you guys first, immediately pulling you to the remotely empty dance floor. “Guys, no one is even dancing yet!” You exclaim, to which Chenle shrugs.

“Then let’s be the first!” 

And so that how you spent the rest of your night between dancing with your own friends and Jisung’s friends you find yourself barely having any alone time with your boyfriend.

You search for him in the crowd as the announcer introduces the prom royalty competition, that is until his name is called out and he goes up to the stage to accept his crown. You watch confusedly and amusedly as Jisung awkwardly accepts his flowers and allows the women to put the crown on his head. You laugh as he meets your eyes, sending you an awkward smile.

“And the prom queen of the class of 2020 is…” she read the card and smiles brightly, “Y/N Y/LN!”

You freeze when you hear that. Jisung brightens up on stage, cheering. You stay in your spot until Renjun is ushering you to the stage to accept your crown. He helps you step onto the stage and you thank him, when you finally reach the stage, you (just as awkwardly as Jisung) accept your crown and bouquet. 

People in the crowd cheer for their favorite couple when the announcer says it’s time for the king and queen to have a dance. 

Thus you have your first dance with Jisung of the night. And the way Jisung is looking at you almost makes you forget that literally everyone staring at you right now. You smile and pull him closer. He chuckles, “This plastic crown really suits you, it brings out the color of your eyes.”

You snort as you two continue to sway gently side to side. “I know, it’s a good look.” You poke his own plastic accessory as he laughs. 

You two dance in comfortable silence before Jisung says in a soft voice, “I’m like... really in love with you.”

You laugh bashfully before looking at your boyfriend. “I’m crazy in love with you too, Jisung Park.”

It dawns on Jisung how much he has changed in the past 5 years of his life. From your best friend, to the boy that broke your heart, to the baseball jock, then to the boy that broke your heart again and finally to your boyfriend. (He stills thinks about what happened with a heavy heart but knows that maybe things wouldn’t be the way they are now if they had never occurred.) He turned from a nervous kid who let his bully get the best of him to a bright young man who was willing to do anything for the girl in the pretty dress in front of him. He smiles as he realizes what he can do now that he had gotten over his fears.

“Watch this.”

You have no time to react as he suddenly grips your waist tighter and brings you closer so he could press his lips to yours. In front of all the people watching you, -which included teachers!- you hear Jaemin whistle and laughs into the kiss, causing Jisung to laugh as well. He pulls away.

“It feels so good that everyone knows you’re my girl.” 

He then pulls you in for another kiss and another and another and another. He basically kisses you for the rest of the night and you can’t find anywhere in yourself to complain because you admit it also feels absolutely amazing to have everyone know Jisung is yours. 

Now you know why everyone always said senior year is the best year of your life.

[riceccakes]

Earth, Wind, and Coffee: Chapter Four Analysis

and now the last chapter of the fic! i really had so much fun writing these analyses so i hope you’ve enjoyed too :))

i’ve got a lot to say about this last chapter too so be prepared for a long one. lets get to it, shall we?

some fun stuff before we start!

before changing the direction of the story, the last chapter of the fic was going to be Chapter 3: The Meeting, A Well Deserved Jab, and a Good Night’s Rest

so, The Meeting was going to happen, korrasami was gonna come back together and instead of the krew outing during this chapter’s A Well Deserved Jab, korrasami was gonna go out on a date. korra still would punch iroh, korra never ‘moved in’ with asami, it was just gonna be a fluffy section. A Good Night’s Rest was actually going to feature hiroshi going to asami’s apartment while korra was over and being like “who the fuck is this” and korra was gonna be upset asami didn’t tell her dad about them (as, in the og timeline, they would be dating at this point) they’d have a convo working this out, a little like how korra said she’d never understand how asami and hiroshi don’t have a great relationship in A Much Needed Conversation. korra would then go to hiroshi’s office and make that whole speech and still ask asami to go the south. this is a v summed up version, one that when i made it, i was happy with. having published what i did, i much enjoy that ending more than this one :)

i wanted a way to show that korra likes asami (obviously, this is a korrasami fic) but of course, asami spent most of this only wishing korra liked her

mako asking out korra was a late edition, one i actually really like. mako’s role in the fic is pretty minor, sorry to those of you who really love him and maybe wanted more from him. however, i am a really big fan of the fact that in lok, even after all the stupid love triangle shit, mako was able to be good friends with korrasami, so i still wanted to capture that. he’s not at all upset when korra turns him down, but rather super happy for the fact that korrasami feel the same way about each other. an even later edition to this point is the bedroom scene when korra asks asami to wait for her, i’ll mention more about this scene later cause i really love it.

and we in gooooo: (i usually try to write these following the sections of the chapter but for this analysis, im gonna go topic by topic within each section)

literary devices (diction, figurative language, etc.):

There have been better days than this one. Days where Korra blows up Asami’s phone with funny Instagram posts she finds while Asami’s at school, days where she invites Mako and Bolin over and the four of them play board games, days where Korra asks if they can go out for a walk and she excitedly explores the area around Asami’s apartment. There have been worse days than this one. Days where Korra won’t get out of bed, days where Korra won’t speak, days where Korra won’t even look at Asami and she has to see that glossed over gaze gawk out the glass window.

back again, just quoting my favorite sections. and this one, yall, this one. the mirrored writing style, the ending with alliteration, how easily it describes a passage of time i mean come on. when i wrote this i was like “yyyyaaaasssss” and i won’t deny it. the “glossed over gaze gawk out the glass window” is obvious in alliteration, one that just sounds so good, it rolls off the tongue. but, there’s actually also another one, one that’s a bit more hidden “she excitedly explores the area around Asami’s apartment” note how these both end the descriptions of korra’s bad/good days respectively, as a sort of way to frame which parts of the sentence correspond with the good days and bad days. now, going onto korra’s days, three examples of good days, three examples of bad days (that’s technically six different days right there, and it doesn’t even have to be in succession.) what i also love about this info into korra’s days is how it shows a passage of time without having to be like “it’s been a few weeks” or “after some time/a while” it doesn’t stick out, at least not to me, it’s not a jarring way to say, “hey, in the story now, time has passed since last chapter!” idk, i just am really proud of this paragraph and i wanted to point it out in its own section :)

Asami will never, ever say she’s happy that the Red Lotus attack happened, but, it’s what brought Korra to her. It’s what brought more friends to her, it’s what brought her to see her father isn’t as great and almighty as she’d grown up to believe. How could she ever thank something so horrible for bringing about all these life changing things in her life?

this sort of, existential section, was something i came up with on the toilet. (tmi? im not gonna apologize tho, this is a behind the scenes explanation of my writing and some of my best writing happens on the toilet ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) any who, i didn’t want to leave any loose ends and, up until this chapter, i don’t really think i showed how asami felt about the attack and the situation and what’s happened after. also, asami being the perfectionist and analyst she is, i know she’d reflect on everything that’s happened to her in the span of about six months (give or take) and even more so, reflect on what’s happened with korra in the time they’ve known each other. it was a bit painful to write this section, it’s that sort of mentality that’s like “some horrible, horrible shit happened, but really, really good things came out of it. so, should i still hate all that horrible stuff or should i just appreciate the good things that came out of it?” (i’ve been debating this for years now with something personal and to this day, i’m not sure. i’m not sure if i’m more thankful for it all happening because of the few good moments it brought or if i wish none of it happened for the chance at some alternate reality of good things happening. anyways, i digress)

Kuvira stays silent for a moment, “When Hiroshi reaches out to you, tell him everything you said to me. Tell him everything you said when we were in your apartment after the presentation. He needs to know how you feel, he needs to know how he’s made you feel for years. Hiroshi can’t change if he doesn’t know what’s wrong and you want him to change, don’t you?”

Asami grips the steering wheel, staring at the red light in front of her. Her foot slowly pulses on and off the break, inching forward, waiting for the signal.

“I do.”

She feels the pit of her stomach churn, wondering if she could ever say all of it to her father. Kuvira isn’t wrong, she wants her father to change, but not in every way. Not in the business sense, not in the ambition sense, but rather, she wants a father, she wants to feel like the man she calls Dad really deserves the title. It pains her to say he hasn’t. The light turns green and Asami’s foot hovers over the gas pedal.

“So then you’ll tell him?”

For just a moment, her Satomobile doesn’t move but with a sharp, deep breath, Asami steps on the pedal. “I will.”

back again with our car metaphor/symbol thing! i really do love this idea of using the Satomobile as a way to show the relationship between hiroshi and asami, and how asami handles that relationship. this is from A Much Needed Conversation, some time after asami’s returned to future industries, calling kuvira in reluctant hope of knowing what her father is doing. they talk about asami telling hiroshi all this important stuff, stuff that asami’s been hesitant to bring up at all. (only after a breaking point did she finally let it out) this section has a mix of it all, diction, metaphor, along with some suspense by using line breaks. 

Her foot slowly pulses on and off the break, inching forward, waiting for the signal. / “I do.” - here’s a good example of suspense. (it continues through the rest of the excerpt) so, here was have asami, absolutely scared shitless, as she always is with her father and this subject of her life in relation to him. except, now with their time apart and what happened with the meeting, asami’s kind of got this “fuck it, whatever” mentality that goes a few different ways. “fuck it, whatever” my dad totally turned on me and was an asshole, i don’t care. “fuck it, whatever” we cut off ties, i can do whatever i want. “fuck it, whatever” i might very well do whatever it takes to get my dad back because i miss him but im also super scared as per usual. “fuck it, whatever” im not the one who needs to do anything to get him back so i won’t even think about it. there’s just a lot for asami to unpack here and in the setting of her father’s legacy, it’s even more for her. 

She feels the pit of her stomach churn...The light turns green and Asami’s foot hovers over the gas pedal. - more suspense. the light is green, green means go, but asami is waiting, thinking, hesitating. this also relates to the line earlier “waiting for the signal” well, this is the signal, the green light means go. but also, kuvira telling asami to tell hiroshi everything is also the signal to go, it’s like the push for asami to do it. she sees the signal, it’s go time, and yet “Asami’s foot hovers over the gas pedal” asami is still nervous, still scared to have this conversation with her father because she just doesn’t know what’s going to happen.

“So then you’ll tell him?” / For just a moment, her Satomobile doesn’t move but with a sharp, deep breath, Asami steps on the pedal. “I will.” - this mirrors just a few lines earlier. when kuvira asks asami to tell hiroshi everything while she’s waiting for the green light, her dialogue has a line break. for dramatic effect purposes, but also to show a sense of firmness. it’s by itself, it doesn’t need to be supported; asami really, truly means this. however here, her dialogue tag is connected to the narration its related to. even while asami confirms she’ll do this, that she’ll talk to her father, it’s hesitant, it takes a moment for her to say yes. 

what i really love is how much can be covered in such few lines. i’m not sure you all saw this when reading, ive always been very into reading/writing analysis, so i’m always looking at everything with a fine tooth comb; in my own writing, it’s no different. if you didn’t see this before, i hope learning it now gives you a different perspective if you ever choose to read my fic again :)

content (typing up loose ends, leaving breadcrumbs, additional info):

lets talk about korra

a lot happens for our girl in this last chapter. i’ll try to be concise, i tend to kind of ramble. i think what’s kind of cool, and i didn’t realize this beforehand, is that theres a speech from korra in each section. in A Well Deserved Jab, we see korra’s first time speaking at the support group meeting and what i really like about this is there’s no real big event that’s happened for her to finally be able to go up there. i feel like there’s always this one, life altering moment in stories when people need to deal with trauma or just work up the courage to do something, but in our case, it’s not like that. it’s the time and the care that’s slowly been working and helping korra for her to feel ready. it’s been a culminating process for her to get to go up there and for whatever reason, korra felt ready. let’s go a little into this speech

we finally learn more about the attack. we learn why korra’s always been picking at her wrists, the memory of the zip ties are still strong and she scratches at hopes of making the feeling go away. we also hear more about korra losing control that night, which in turn made her want to control everything with her life after the event. (lil fun-ish note while we talk about some deep stuff right now, last chapter’s first paragraph, about korra enjoying pour over coffees, was a purposeful choice. when doing pour overs, you have direct and absolute control over the coffee and how you make it, which gives korra a greater sense of comfort, because she knows she’s in charge when doing this.) my favorite part about this whole speech is right before the tail end of it, where korra says “sometimes surprises are better than plans” it was never in her plan to meet someone and find comfort and support and love and grow with it. (my headcanon is that korra just wanted to mull this over alone, sort of like in book four after the canon red lotus attack.) instead, korra met asami and the two clicked and korra could see a light at the end of her tunnel she thought would be pitch black forever. i really enjoyed getting to write this for korra.

korra’s second speech takes place in A Much Needed Conversation. another scene from the fic i wrote beforehand, i think somewhere between finishing chapter two and mulling over the decision to make the fic longer. this was sort of my cathartic, “lets yell at hiroshi for being sucky” moment. a lot of points are brought up here, all of which i believe are valid. it poses the simple, yet ever complicated question of “why?” i’ll get into hiroshi’s response in a later section, but what i’ll highlight about this speech is korra’s statement, “Now, I know that I don’t need to be saying any of this, because Asami can more than hold her own in any conversation, but I am doing this because you are hurting the woman I love, and I will not just let that happen.” its a declaration of love, love that i know is deeper than just romance but also deeper than just friendship. it’s admiration for asami being so strong, admiration for asami being so powerful and smart, korra says more about it in the speech. i tried it make so that korra wasn’t trying to control this situation with asami’s father, but rather, this was korra’s attempt at getting them to try and work something out. korra wants what’s best for asami, she wants her to get everything she wants. korra knows asami wants a better father and the most korra feels she can do is slap hiroshi (with her words) across the face and get him to realize that’s what asami wants.

korra’s third and final speech opens A Good Night’s Rest. we get just a little more about that night, i actually wrote this speech out loud. i just sort of put myself in korra’s place and started talking. my intent with this opening was to give more insight into how korra feels about asami. this is also a call back to the beginning of the chapter, about waking up asami if korra ever needs her. i took this action as a solidifying definition for asami to know “yeah, korra really does love me.” sure, in the last section, korra sort of did say it, but actions still speak louder than words. a lot of this final chapter was just showing how much korra has grown, i think i achieved that.

before we move on, i just wanted to say a lil bit about the bedroom scene where korra asks asami to wait for her. it’s a small confession that i think just says so much. another time here to show that romantic korrasami will happen, but it’s also just insight into korra and her thoughts about romancing asami. she wants it too, so badly that she almost gets into it before she’s ready. did i psych you guys out like asami, who thought she was finally going to kiss korra? it’s all in the lines, “I’m almost there...I know I am, Asami. I’ll be there soon, I need to be better. I need to be better for you.” and now, after thinking about it, i almost wasn’t gonna word it like this. what korra’s saying here is that her progression is only being done so that she can be good for asami, which, i didn’t want to convey. however, sometimes, that’s just how people think; they think, “if i have to do something, i gotta do it for someone else.” and so that’s what i’ve done with korra here, it’s just this mentality that she’s growing out of. it’s okay to have this thought process, good even, but not for every single thing you do. and i wanted korra to know that, which is why i love asami’s response, “I think you’re already great.” it’s just to remind korra, yes you can get better, you will get better. but not for asami, but for yourself, because asami already loves you the way you are.

kuvopal

breadcrumbs; that’s all i’ve really done so far with kuvopal is put lil breadcrumbs everywhere for the people who like the idea of the relationship to grasp at. is that mean of me? maybe, but i really love kuvira and opal as a couple so i wanted to keep hinting and hinting and hopefully getting you readers interested too. kuvopal has been sprinkled in since chapter two and i wanted to leave the readers with just a little ounce of hope

asami’s official introduction with opal heavily involves bolin, enough to the point where the two kiss each other on the cheek. now, of course, after reading the chapter, you know bolin and opal aren’t dating, but i wanted to stress you out a lil bit xD asami is weary of mentioning kuvira, so there’s not much we really get to see about how opal feels. opal may have wanted to talk when asami mentioned kuvira just before korra asked about spring break, but she didn’t. why didn’t she say anything? do you think she’s wanted to talk about kuvira? what about her major, child services and the foster care system, do you think kuvira influenced that, being she essentially was fostered by the beifongs? do you think we’ll ever find answers? *wink*

iroh

so obviously, we don’t like iroh. if there’s anyone in this story who doesn’t get a happy ending or a second chance, it’s him because he’s the worst. i realized we hadn’t seen too much of iroh in the previous chapters and this being the last one, i needed to really show just how not cool iroh is. the soccer game is very clearly an indication of just how conceded and rude he is. after the game, his conversation with asami is bad. he’s being invasive and inconsiderate of asami and he doesn’t care. same with at the restaurant. so, of course i wanted iroh to get his comeuppance and we have that by korra punching him.

going off of this, i didn’t want it to feel like iroh got a one and done kind of deal. he was incredibly awful to asami and his “friends” and i didn’t want this behavior to be taken lightly. so, i chose to make iroh just basically lose everything :) he loses his friends, possibly his job, i just KNOW izumi is disappointed as fuck that he’s acted like this and uncle iroh is rolling over in his grave that someone of his own blood would be like this. i wanted to address iroh in his own category because i just wanted you all to know that he is the only character not getting off easy. i really hope that how iroh’s situation turned out is good, as in, he got what he deserves.

hiroshi

hiroshi was an interesting character to go about in the final chapter. obviously, throughout the fic so far, hiroshi hasn’t been a standout father or boss. if i haven’t said it before, i’ll say it now: i always wanted hiroshi to have a second chance, ie, i wanted hiroshi to try to be better. for one, asami deserves it. she deserves a good parent who’s there for her and isn’t just obsessed with his job and the glory and empire he’s built up for himself. another reason, i believe everyone (within reason, *cough cough* not iroh *cough*) deserves a second chance. at the very least one more try, to be better, and if they’re actively trying, they’re doing better.

so hiroshi gets a bit of a wake up call from not only korra, after she so passionately scolded him in the name of her love for asami, but hiroshi also got one from asami directly. take your pick as to which conversation sparked hiroshi to call her to say goodnight. it’s an effort, and asami even says it herself, that after a while, the juice of it ran out. but kuvira said it too, it’s a start. what im trying to highlight is that no one is perfect and their ways of trying to change themself isn’t going to be perfect either.

and the kicker is hiroshi going to the south, without any other reason than to see asami. hiroshi only ever travels for future industries related business, but here he goes, without kuvira, to the south to see asami. i want to keep highlighting, asami says this is just the start. she hasn’t yet fully forgiven him, but she’s giving him the chance to be forgiven. that’s what i want to make most apparent on the topic of hiroshi and asami’s relationship: hiroshi is not getting off easy. but he’s trying, and in the words of the good place, that is what matters isn’t if people are good or bad, what matters is if they’re trying to be better today than they were yesterday. hiroshi, in this action, coming to the south, is trying to be a better father that day than all the days before. offering up the job offer from tonraq is hiroshi trying to be a better boss that day than the day before. staying in the south to spend real, quality time with his daughter is hiroshi trying to be better that day than every day before that.

it’s all in the trying.

honorable mentions:

in the og timeline, back when korrasami was going to be a confirmed couple in the fic, after returning from the south, asami was going to go to the cafe at one in the morning while korra was working and korra was going to make her an avatar. i liked the full circle aspect at the time but really, i much prefer what i’ve posted over that og timeline.

anything i would’ve wanted to change?

i think, overall, i maybe would’ve wanted to divide chapters up differently. as i continued writing, the three sections definitely could’ve supported themselves as singular chapters. especially this final chapter, which was almost 20k words. but, in the end, i am so proud of this fic and of myself for following through and finishing it.

i lost a bit of steam towards the end of this analysis, i’ve actually had this in my drafts for almost two months. but, i think what i wanted to say, i did, and as always, if you have any comments or questions, or just wanna talk to me, do it ! i love any and all commentary on my writing :)) 

thanks for reading the analysis if you did x

[genius11rare]

Chit Chat 111620   11-16-20

Chitchat 111620 with Jack Michael Jeremys Chair and the disembodied voice of alfredo (no he left after set up immediately , never heard him) id put “keep reading” if i knew how for this sorry

Jack: hi im jack with my friends michael and Spearow the dragon (jeremys not here , theres a spyro … pillow i think on his chair).. So we made the mistake of doing 2 minecrafts backtoback  and it ended like 20 minutes ago then like “oh yeah we have other stuff we need to set up before”… Michael:  yeah this isnt so much a chitchat it is just a chit not really time for a chat. Jack: how about we chit about recapping extralife?  It went really well thank you everyone who watched and contributed, trying to get chat up right now…. Cuz we got Chit trying to get the Chat as well… this is the 4th year in a row we raised over 1 million$ , and were having some auctions for charity. Up for auction: 3D printed gen lock heads , pictures of the Spooky Hour (Gen Notes i thought they were done with that?) , the jon risinger bob ross segment painting , some f*face hats , some wood and glass sculptures (jeremy comes back during around this) … and gratz to jeremy for urinating and coming back *on time*  Jeremy: hey my bathroom is a few steps from here… that whole time was spent peeing Oooohhhh better. Jack: michael , jeremy got anything to say about whats happened recently. Michael: no uh…. Just recovering… Jeremy: oh that was hard to watch michael. Jack: oh i have this picture i posted on twitter of fiona milking gavin…. Spraying milk into his eyes , sounds weird when i phrase it like that see if i can post it. Fiona somehow got both eyes in one shot , none in the mouth (the goal) just eyes. If you don't know the context it looks like hes spraying milk from his head like some kind of anime demon… then the paintballs happened…. Usually with paintballs theyve been going a while and theyve calmed down , that time it was new compressors and we JUST started using them for michael and gavin (Michael: “they” as in the paintballs themselves , theyve calmed down) yeah so that time they still had a lot of OOMPF and it was like getting kicked in the head over and over. Michael: no that's good , kick me in the head all you want. I went second just so i could tell how bad it hurt , so i knew where to hit gavin to make it hurt the most… immediately flipped on it like “he doesnt deserve this” and shot the face (which hurt the least) as much to spare him… i did do a few tummy shots but still. Jack: the crotch was also a good spot cuz of the cockblocker… problem is if you missed they go left or right into your thigh Michael: the thigh and stomach hurt the most … our thighs are black Jeremy: were also doing the vinyl  Jack: oh yeah we reached our goal and putting AH the musical on a vinyl , plus a new song with Fiona ive been working with her trying to get the tone and everything (Gen notes im gonna guess its there so Still in the Air isnt…) … Jeremy wanna say what you offered up? Jeremy: yeah were doing the AH rap version 2 (Gen notes either A. a version with the rest of  “The B Team” to have verses , or B. redoing it without HIM) , been working on a beat for it … ive written one verse mine so far (Gen notes , think its option B then) but i feel like its a little TOO mean so i may dial it back down a bit … the plan is shorter verses but more people , so hopefully Myself , michael gavin , Jack , Fiona , the twins , Matt , Lindsay and MAYBE a verse where the  support room jump in one bar at a time , still in the works. Jack: yeah you guys DEMOLISHED goals, chads daughter she is so sweet… she saved up chore money and wanted to donate it all of her own , she wasn't convinced to she just wanted to donate 20$ which just broke everyone - well chad and i , caiti held it together, so we asked the audience to match her 20$...  over the course of 10 minutes that 20$ became 65000$... we broke extralife we legit broke their intake of donations. We also had 2 people there who if we needed to hand something to someone wed give it to them , theyd “baptize” it as covid precaution then give it to whoever. Michael: except cloth they were like “you touch cloth you own it” … was like i could walk away with a lot of things right here , this towel? This towels done (Jack: you just going around grabbing curtains) … (start paraphrasing)  we always want extralife to be like the best show ever cuz its for a good cause , but then this year we were like “how would we even pull it off”... i don't think 2020 extralife couldve gone better given everything (end paraphrasing) “fave extralife 2020 moment” Jack: my thing… Chad James is a freaking beast and towards the end the last segment we did was called the sweet and sour hour where caiti would do something nice and chad would get punished … it ended up getting stacked so we started doing some at once. At one point Chad is on the pummelhorse which is an elastic band that hits you in the undercarriage , chelsea was there with a leg wax remover , then we had cody from code 4 which is our compliance officer with hand sanitizer. So Blaine pummelhorses chad , chelsea leg waxes him and then cody sprays him with the antiseptic (michael: in his eyes… Gen Notes i mean hes probably kidding but idk it seems possible) … chads on the pummelhorse weeping and Blaines ALREADY spinning the wheel. Michael: its funny , theres so much stuff that happened and not just the segments i was there for , but a simple delight getting chad to eat that whole pickle … he was just saying “i cant do it ill throw up” and i just kept repeating “youu can dooooo iit...”... gave me some enjoyment since i was there basically to get slapped around , but in between i made chad eat a pickle Jack: so jeremy you have a fave moment? I know you were there for the solo stream section - oh i forgot about DJ JAAWNK how could i that was a blast Jeremy: yeah i was listening to most of the solo streamer section , i know Kdin had a thing where she gathered a bunch of people to do among us and it was fun…. For a certain donation amount they would just launch john mace into space , theyd just call a meeting and get him… Matt joined me playing spyro and i had the Gold Chonky spyro mods on , and if people donated enough wed spin a wheel that me or him would have to do.. We had to spin it like 15 times , and alot of them were “have to hold the controller upsidedown” which is a monstrosity… and twice it was me put a blindfold on and matt would have to direct me through the level. I panicked A LOT cuz you could HEAR the enemies shooting at and coming at you   but i didn't know where … it was like a live Matt and Jeremy do something - your welcome sarah! (Michael: you did do something… Spearow… Spearowmint gum)  so first were doing SPiderman Miles Morales PS4 edition cuz i don't have a PS5! Everyones talking about how they're sold out so the most ive done was when i was shopping for ovens i was like “lemme peruse the playstation aisle” didn't see one and went guess im not getting one… Jack: are they even selling them in person or is it just online… Michael: i know game stop is selling them , they're sold out but i know they were selling them.... Think most stores waiting for black friday to get them in store… i want one but im not going to a store on black friday , ill play fall guys if i want to get trampled Jack: oh yeah someone mentioned the ChungeScwa heist is coming we reached that goal Michael: fiona said i could be there, i asked can i help and she said something like “plz help , cuz otherwise it wont happen.” ive also offered doing a 50 turn mario party even though it wasn't a goal cuz we didn't even do last years so now wed owe 2 for 2021 assuming we can make that happen. Jack: cant you do a 100 turn mario party is that a thing? Michael: no 50 is the most , ive contemplated maybe we combine them into one game and scores carry over but it might be upsetting if im ahead by 9 stars after 50 turns and then it just becomes a 4 hour victory lap so its probably better to do 2 of them… we were about to do one in april we were planning on shooting it in april but then SOMETHING came up idk what it was … it just kept coming up for 7 months… Jeremy: and they don't stop coming and they don't stop coming… oh if were going to show my PS4 screen lemme show how much a  loser i am…. Jack: you got a platinum in bug snax?!?!? Jeremy: yuuuppppp!!!

[sheismyteacher]

hi loves,

im pretty sure ive alr done all old monthly challenges that used to be on here in 2017/2018 including my own lol but @baeby-tc made a new one and its once again 2am and im missing her so heres summ facts u might not know yet!!!

1. describe your tc’s physical appearance.

shes about my height so 5'7, she has a blonde pixie cut and bright blue eyes, n freckles!! and shes super skinny

2. what was the first thing you’ve ever said to your tc?

probably hi?? i honestly dont remember much from our first class

3. is your tc single or taken? or are you unsure? and are you single or taken?

single!! and im taken lol ive been dating my gf for a year n 11 months

4. is your tc more of the athletic type, the nerdy type or the artsy type?

nerdy looool

5. if you and your tc were in high school together, do you think you’d be friends?

honestly idk? we very well could have been because we were both kinda alt (me leaning towards goth, her leaning towards punk) but also both insanely private introverts lmfsjshhd so we might not even have approached each other

6. name one song that reminds you of your tc and explain why that song reminds you of them.

savannah by lp hehee we're both lp stans but she got me into her music and the first song we talked abt was savannah

7. is your tc fashionable or are they more of the simple type? what is one outfit you’d love to see them wear?

oh girl... 💀💀 i love her w my whole heart but if i see one more silver glimmery cardigan i might lose my mind. id love to see her in jeans and a crop top but shed Never so honestly i'll take anything that's not... horrible

8. would you be willing to become a teacher and teach your tc’s subject if it meant you two could be together?

haha funny cause... that's literally what im doing... going into my second year of uni... going to do my internship with her this year... ummmmmm.....

9. does your tc drink or smoke?

no!!!

10. name one item that is always on your tc’s desk.

her planner loool shes super organized

11. has your tc ever done anything that has either thrown you off, annoyed you, angered you or bothered you in any way? if so, what did they do?

yea i think I've only been pissed at her once?? i was really struggling with a situation and usually when i rant to her she fucks around and makes jokes n all and im fine with it i dont take myself that seriously but this time i was genuinely rly upset and she didnt rly notice i guess although i alr lowkey told her to stop n she kept making dumbass jokes so i was like "this is genuinely not funny like im being serious for once" and she did apologize which i appreciate but i genuinely think that's the only time ive been upset with her! and shes said things before that other people would see as shocking but has always apologised even when not necessary shes super respectful

12. does your tc have any past jobs that you know of, before becoming a teacher?

no actually!! she probably had a job in hs/uni??? but weve never talked abt that wow mayb i should ask her sometime

13. does your tc have kids or siblings? if so, how many?

both! she has one younger sister and two sons!

14. are you taking your tc’s class next year?

as i said ive graduated but im acc gonna b an english teacher as well now and imma do my 2nd yr internship w her!!!

15. has your tc ever met your parents? if you were there, what was the meeting like?

yes PLSJSJDJDJD at my school musical... and it was lowkey awkward cause i told her all abt how my father is lowkey terrifying so she was cautious as hell 😭😭

16. has your tc ever given you detention? if so, what was it like?

naw i never have her a reason to

17. has your tc ever failed you? if so, how did you react? if not, how would you react?

noo english has always been my best subject so she never had to.. but if she did i probably messed it up!! shes fair

18. what are your tc’s hobbies/interests? are they similar to yours?

help shes a dancer and i hate dancing w my entire heart so umm.. no

19. have you ever spoken on the phone with your tc? what did you talk about?

never actually!! we've texted so often but never called?? except if u count the time she (or her son?) called me on accident for about 6 seconds jdjdhd ion think she even knows that happened, i hung up and forgot to mention it again)

20. if you had your tc’s class during quarantine, what were your zoom calls like? if not, have you spoken to your tc since quarantine?

we've texted, but not as much as we used to and it's making me SAD but i feel like we just dont have a lot to say to each other

21. if you had the chance to go anywhere in the world with your tc, where would you go? what would you do?

she loves switzerland so let's go

22. does your tc have any nicknames for you?

she shortens my name sometimes heheh i loooove when people do that

23. have you ever cried in front of your tc? why? how did they react?

no, i don't cry that often, and ESPECIALLY not in public

24. have you ever walked/drove to/from school with your tc?

yeah we cycled together a few times! but usually were off on different times

25. do you know which teachers your tc is friends with at school? if so, do you like those teachers?

yea theres a couple she likes but shes not rlly *friends* with anyone, but we have the same opinions on most teachers

26. what does your tc’s voice sound like?

it's very soft, and not in volume but in vibes? and she has pretty sharp t's and her r's roll a little hehe

27. do you like your tc as a teacher? are they a good teacher?

oh yes 100%

28. does your tc prefer books, shows or movies?

im gonna go ahead and assume books, but she does have netflix as well

29. is your tc stern or easy going, in class?

pretty stern? i know a couple of people are lowkey scared of her but like shes not awful she just makes sure the class gets shit done

30. how would you describe you and your tc’s relationship?

like a friendship! i asked her abt it once (ages ago) and she said that she was tryna figure out how she felt abt me when it came to labels like 'friend' cause im also her ex student etc so she didn't rly wanna call me that yet?? but i think if we keep talking we'll get there. we trust each other immensely

31. do you address your tc by their first or last name?

firsttt since march 27th 2017 😌

[overly-ironed-waffle]

also like??? idk sorry, i know i just posted two essays but im irritated

okay so quick brief backstory: a few years ago when we were living with my family while i recovered from birthing my second gremlin, my husband and my sister worked at one of the stores. they made friends with someone who was super cool and we all loved and got along with.

this person was super young, freshly an adult, and in a super abusive family situation. so my family immediately went *swoop* and brought them in to live with us. my husband and I were making plans to move again soon, as I was finally feeling better and we wanted our own place and wanted to live among the trees again. so we suggested friend come with us. friend had just recently entered a new relationship, with someone who also was in a super shitty abusive family situation. problem is, their new beau was juuuuuuust shy of being an adult. still a minor. so we did a bunch of research on california run-away laws, and basically came up with a plan to help him run away and escape and move with us in a totally sketchy but fully legal fashion.

and it worked! they both moved with us, and i quickly helped him enroll in school (which btw, he had never ever been??? their family literally never sent him to school. they “homeschooled” him but he was essentially illiterate, but taught himself how to read using M:TG. he was HIGHLY intelligent, just didn’t have school smarts yet.)

things were going pretty well, we had already lived with our friend for almost a year prior to this and the research on how to help their beau escape their situation took long enough (as did finding a house) that we were pretty used to having him over as well, so it wasn’t a difficult adjustment really to living with them fully.

the problems started after we found out that friend was pregnant. i mean, aside from ages and all that, things were fine. it was obviously of course tense and stressful, but we did what we could to help. things were fine outside of that, until they started keeping to themselves more, hiding away from us, and then conspiring to leave without even talking to us. they literally gave us 3 days notice before they were going to move back down to their families, and ONLY because my husband called them out on it cause he heard them packing boxes.

we expressed our concerns, and discussed the things we had gone through to help them (so of course I felt kind of hurt because I put so much on the line, literally put my family in danger to help) but wasn’t even so much hurt that they were leaving, as it was that they felt it necessary to hide it from us and not openly communicate with us. that was something we always expressed was important to us, just talk to us and be open. and then also the fact that, our friend had signed a lease with us but then wasn’t even planning to give notice and only gave 3 days notice when they had been confronted about it. (this was april of last year btw)

honestly a lot happened between all that, but it’s mostly insignificant and not my own to tell (has to do with friend’s family) and so I won’t actually get into it. so it’s not even that I don’t know or understand why they were going back. I do, and I fully respected that. I just felt hurt that they didn’t talk to me about it, and had no intentions to.

so anyways, that weekend was tense and nobody really spoke much to each other, until i found out that friend had told their mom that we were apparently abusive and live in a pig stye, which wasnt true. but our house had been a little messy because i had been sick and we have kids. but friend’s parents were gonna be here by the evening to help them pack up and move back down, so i took the day off work and rushed to clean the house. when they were leaving, friend and i stepped aside for a minute to discuss things again cause they were handing over a piece of paper to help take them off the lease, and i explained “this is one of the reasons why I wish you had talked to us before hand so we were prepared with barely more than 3 days notice. we can’t live here with only the 4 of us once you guys are gone. we need a minimum of 5 people in this house, and so you up and leaving with no notice kind of fucks us over on that front.” (we live in low-income, and so for a 4bd our property management requires a minimum of 5 people to be living here.) and that was when they kind of looked horrified because they didn’t realize that, and said “well then i guess you can keep me on the lease for now, i wouldn’t want your kids to end up on the street. doesn’t matter how much i might ever hate you guys-- which i dont!!! (((super quick save))) but even if i did, i could never do that to children.” 

like, the “doesn’t matter how much i might ever hate you guys” with the quick save of “which i dont!!!” just didn’t (and still doesnt) sit right with me but we hugged everything out and i asked them to keep in touch and let me know when they got back down there safe and sound.

aaaaaaand then they promptly chose never to talk to me again. i mean, this year they reached out a little? but it was so fake and forced, and it was wildly uncomfortable honestly. which makes me really sad. i really do miss them and their friendship and wish them well, i just wish they had communicated with me.

but what upsets me is how they still talk to all of my friends up here that i introduced them to, and act so close with them and like they’re so best buds and keep in touch with all of my friends. but they never had the time to keep in touch with me? like i don’t care who my friends are friends with. im not gonna go policing that lol but it does make me feel weird and uncomfortable and jealous i guess? when i see them interact so close with these people they barely know, and only know because when they moved here with us I introduced them to all of my best friends.

idk. it really grinds my gears man and idk why. i really dont. i have no right or reason to feel this way and i totally recognize and acknowledge that. but it definitely makes me feel more distant from my friends, esp cause they know everything that happened and went down and everything they did that wasnt chill. 

and so idk, i was just feeling it again tonight cause i saw that they posted in a mutual group of ours talking about some issues they’re going through (and i hope they feel better soon and get better and overcome it all) and all my friends jumped in to make them feel better, which is great! i am lucky to have such amazing friends who would do that. but idk, it just hurts for some reason. its dumb. if i were to interact with them, or try, it would either get dismissed or really formally/shallowly responded to and then never interacted with again.

gaahhhhhh idk. i’m being dumb. brain is dumb. rsd is dumb. the fact that im still not over this is dumb.

[welcome-to-chao-hub]

So I’ve...basically copied and pasted this Zeti idea to a few places (a server or two I’m in, DMs on discord or tumblr, etc) and just gonna....do the same here before I go and get distracted by other stuff. ...not gonna lie, I really didn’t look at the wikipedia that much so I’m probably gonna mess everything about this AU up.

First off, we got the backstory of how Eggman even conquered the Deadly Six in the first place since it wasn’t really explained from what I heard.

Eggman finds the Lost Hex and sets out to conquer it

Zeti (where there are a lot more than just six) aren’t happy and Zavok challenges Eggman under the conditions that if Eggman wins, they’ll submit to him and if the Zeti army wins, he has to leave and never come back. Eggman accepts, the Zeti getting cocky because hey how hard can it be to beat a man and his robots?

fight starts with this Zeti army charging and that’s when Eggman pulls out his secret weapon: the conch.

Zik (the blue one) is one of the few people that recognize the item and uses his magic (I think he has magic? Idk im making him have magic) to warp him and the other deadly six out of the area before it’s blown.

The Six are horrified as while they’re stuck in place in this new spot, they now have to watch their people be killed from Eggman’s robot army.

some Zeti did survive, but ran into hiding when they realized the situation they were in; Zavok, being the one that issued the challenge, is the first (and was super reluctant because of how the victory was obtained) of the Deadly Six to kneel to Eggman

As this was the Zeti’s first encounter with the world below (so great first impression there, thanks Eggman), Zavok swore to destroy the planet below, one way or another

Now its not the best, but it explains why they went from 0 to 100 on the revenge shit. As for why they keep coming back...we change the ending of Lost World. Have Sonic still go up against Eggman at the end, but Zavok, being forced to see he’s been bested again, is also forced to see that not everyone below on Earth is like Eggman as Sonic kept sparing his team. And hopefully with the same reluctance as with bowing to Eggman, have his team help Sonic in that final fight.

And since Zavok, Zazz, and Zeena are reoccurring Zeti, they’re just wandering Earth to see what it has to offer ...and people just think they’re evil because of how they look (Zazz wanting to be destructive doesn’t help at all) so they (unintentionally) get paired up with Eggman.

It’s definitely a Mewtwo/Shadow route, but considering that their backstory is pretty much....a blank sheet of paper, might as well have some fun with it.

I do have some ideas (that a friend did help me with in how to make them less one-note characters) and kinda changes their personality. Because....yeah, from what I recall being said about them, they’re just stereotypes.

So for example...

Zomom (the yellow one) is the guy who figured out they could control the robots (because let’s face it, I don’t know what the planet was like before Eggman took over. It was possibly mostly nature based). So you know, make the guy smarter and not just be into food.

Zeena is Zavok’s rival for the leadership position although she tends to let others do the dirty work for her while Zavok does get his hands dirty (I know that Zavok does send others to do the dirty work as well, but he does tend to step in more than Zeena would from time to time). She has ice powers (based on where I heard her fights take place as well as her Speed Battle abilities involve throwing a snowman head) and can’t really handle warmer climates due to this (she gets around it by Zomom fanning her)

Zor (the emo looking one) is mostly depressed in the timeline because hey, the guy just witnessed everyone he knew being shoved into the fridge trope, why wouldn’t he be upset? And since he is a spy or scout according to the wiki, he probably helps with a lot of planning.

Master Zik....ok, I can’t really think of what to change for him, but I would think he would recognize the Conch (maybe being the one to yeet it towards Earth since Zeti do live for thousands of years apparently because there’s no way that humanity or Mobians would’ve appeared on their planet anytime soon. ...also why would you keep something that would hurt your own kind and possibly yourself on the planet?) since he’s the oldest of the group

Zazz is....Zazz. ....He’s pretty much still the same because I doubt I can really think of anything to do to change him?

I know I’m missing Zavok, but I guess he’d be extremely prideful when it comes to his fighting and leadership skills, although I can see him booking it after Zazz to keep him from causing unnecessary chaos. Like

Zazz: Can I have some ketchup packets? Cashier: Sorry, we don’t carry any Zazz: *scoffs* Fine, I’ll be waiting in my car for them. *leaves* Cashier: .....but you guys walked here? Zavok: . . . Please cancel our order- ZAZZ!!! *runs out to stop Zazz from like, hijacking a car or something*

I guess just let me know what you guys think in the comments or just throwing anons at me if that’s more your style while I...go do chores.

[binkysteebnpewter]

All of them 😤

Ehehe 😂💗

1. What’s your middle name, and do you like it?

Grace is actually my middle name, and somewhat. I just don’t like it when my family calls me by first and middle together.

2. are you artistic?

Somewhat?

3. Have you had your first kiss?

Yes

4. What is your life goal?

It’s cheesy and a little cliche, but I want to find Home.

5. Do you have any experiences with a famous person?

Nope

6. Do you play any sports?

Not anymore but I used to play football and I was on the wrestling team in HS

7. What’s your worst fear?

I have two that are sort of equal with another but I’m afraid of losing the people I care about and people seeing me the way I see myself.

8. Who’s your biggest inspiration?

My late Nana, Gloria.

9. Do you have any cool talents?

Answered in previous ask

10. are you a morning person?

Not at all

11. How do you feel about pet names?

I love them

12. Do you like to read?

Absolutely

13. Name a list of shows that have changed your life.

NCIS, Criminal Minds, and any marvel movie

14. Do you care about your follower count?

Not really, I’ll celebrate milestones but that’s just to show everyone I appreciate them following my trash pile. I didn’t start writing to have a high following, I started writing to better my skill and also make people happy.

15. What’s the best dream you’ve had?

I don’t remember most of my happy dreams

16. Have you ever kissed someone of your same gender?

Yep!

17. Do you have any pets?

I have three dogs 🥺💗

18. Are you religious?

No. They only thing I actually believe in is ghosts.

19. Are you a people person?

Not really

20. Are you considered popular?

Nope, and I don’t care to be

21. What is one of your bad habits?

Overthinking

22. What’s something that makes you feel vulnerable?

Opening up my emotions to other people

23. What would you name your children?

No clue

24. Who’s your celebrity crush?

There’s a bunch ig

25. What’s your best subject?

Science and history

26. Dogs or cats?

Dogs, I love cats but I’m super allergic

27. most used social media besides tumblr?

I don’t use a lot of social media tbh, so tumblr is probably my most used unless you count youtube

28. best friends name

Duke

29. who does your main family consist of

My friends and my brother. Family isn’t just blood

30. Chocolate or sugar

Both

31. have you ever been on a date?

Yep

32. Do you like rollercosters?

Absolutely love them

33. Can you swim?

Yes 💗

34. What would you do in the event of an apocolypse?

Clearly, I’d do what everyone else does. Panic and try to survive.

35. Have you struggled with any kind of mental disorder?

Yes, I struggle with anxiety and depression

36. Are your parents together?

Nope.

37. What’s your favourite colour?

Dark green and Dark Blue

38. What country are you from/do you live in?

Unfortunately, the U.S

39. Favourite singer?

Uh... there’s too many to list? But my favorite people to listen to is The Oh Hellos

40. Do you see yourself being famous some day?

Nope, I run from being the center of attention.

41. Do you like dresses?

Not really

42. Favourite song right now?

Fly Me To The Moon by Frank Sinatra

43. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Sort of.

44. How old were you when you first got your period?

No clue, I don’t remember

45. Have you ever shot a gun?

Yep

46. Have you ever done yoga?

No

47. Are you a horror girl?

YES 😈

48. Are you good at giving advice?

I suppose I am?

49. Tell us a story about your childhood.

I don’t have a lot of happy memories but one that sticks out is: I used to go to a private Christian academy and I was in first grade when this boy in eighth grade (the entire school was k-12) came over to me during my lunch. I was super scared and shy as a kid so my schedule was tailored so I was able to eat lunch with my brother whose nine years older than me. Our mom forgot to pack our lunches so we were gonna just get some stuff from the vending machine, well my brother gave me my money to get something and this boy came over to me before I could put it in the vending machine. He hit me and took my money, buying himself something with it. My brother seen it and got into a fight with him.

50. How are you doing today?

Eh

51. Were you a cute kid?

I looked like Shirley Temple when I was a kid

52. Can you dance?

I can swing dance and slow dance, but that’s it.

53. Is there anything you do that you can’t remember ever not doing?

I always look for exits and bathrooms when I go somewhere, I’ve always done it 🤷🏻‍♀️

54. Have you ever dyed your hair?

No because I’m a ginger. I can’t just dye it back if I end up not liking the color I dyed it to.

55. What colour are your eyes?

Brown

56. What’s your favourite animal?

Answered in previous ask

57. Have you ever made a huge fool of yourself?

Multiple times

58. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

My relationship with my dad is rocky but my relationship with my mother went up in flames a few yeaes ago 🤷🏻‍♀️

59. Do you have good friends?

I have some amazing friends🥺💗

60. Are you close with anyone of the lgbtq+ group?

Yep!

61. What’s your favourite class?

My favorite class was Psychology

62. List all the tv shows you are watching.

I’m rewatching Criminal Minds right now.

63. Are you organized?

Somewhat?

64. What was the last movie you saw? Opinion?

I don’t know if it counts as a movie but I just finished a Ted Bundy Tapes Documentary. I think Bundy was a little bit of an idiot.

67. Which tv character do you relate to most?

Spencer Reid

68. What are some things that stand between you and complete happiness?

Anxiety, Depression, overthinking

69. If you received enough money to never need to work again, what would you spend your time doing?

I would probably still work, I’m not a fan of sitting around and doing nothing for large amounts of time.

70. What would you change about your life if you knew you would never die?

Find a way to die, I don’t want to live forever. That’s just torture 👀

71. What would you do differently if you knew that no one was judging you?

Nothing. I’ll act the same as I always have because I am who I am, there’s no reason to change yourself from when someone is watching and when someone isn’t.

72. If you could start over, what would you do differently?

A lot 😂

73. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

Yep

74. When was the last time you travelled somewhere new?

I went to Disney with my Chorus Class in Junior Year of HS, it was my first time to Disney.

75. When you think of your home, what immediately comes to mind?

Nothing, I’m looking for Home. Home will be someone I feel safe with, someone I can be completely myself with— someone I love wholly.

76. What have you done to pursue your dreams lately? How about today?

I— idk?

77. What did you want to be when you were a kid?

I wanted to be a nurse 🤦🏻‍♀️

78. If you dropped everything to pursue your dreams, what would you be risking?

Im not sure

79. When did you not speak up, when you know you really should have?

Ooh... uh, something happened to me all through 7th, 8th, and 9th grade that I should’ve spoken up about but was too scared.

80. Describe the next five years of your life, and your plans, in a single sentence.

I will work hard to love myself and pursue my dream job.

81. What would happen if you never wasted another minute of your life, what would that look like?

No clue tbh

82. If you could live forever, how would you spend eternity?

I don’t want to live forever but I guess I’d find a way to take away my immortality or find someone else who is immortal to love

83. How would you spend a billion dollars?

Id put a lot into important causes and then save some with interest.

84. If you could time travel, would you go to the past or the future?

I’m not sure, I think I wouldn’t go anywhere because I want to live in the moment. Except 2020, fuck 2020.

85. What motivates you to succeed?

Failure motivates me to succeed.

86. What dream that you’ve had has resonated with you the most?

I don’t remember most of my happy dream, I usually can only remember the nightmares 🤷🏻‍♀️

87. Would you rather live in the city or the woods? Why?

Woods, its peaceful.

88. Do you believe in life after death?

I don’t really believe in anything 🤷🏻‍♀️

89. What teacher inspired you the most? How did they?

I had a teacher named Ms Eagan and she inspired me to always be myself.

90. What’s your fondest childhood memory?

Meeting Lily

91. If you could have dinner with any one person, living or dead, who would they be and why?

Lily, because I really miss her.

92. What would you have to see to cry tears of joy?

Anyone being nice to me makes me cry—

93. What is the hardest lesson you had to learn in life?

Sometimes the people you call family don’t truly love you.

94. What do you think happens after we die?

Idk and idrc either tbh

95. What would you do if you would be invisible?

I’d probably scare some people

96. What’s something you can’t do no matter how hard you try?

Speak in public or ask for something at restaurants

97. Would you want to choose the sex and appearance of your offspring?

Eh

98. How did your first crush develop?

They were nice to me when no one else was

99. Is there a feeling you are trying to ignore? What is it?

Yes, I’m trying to ignore how upset some people can really make me.

100. Do you live or do you just exist?

I think I’m somewhere in between, where sometimes I’m just existing and sometimes I’m living.

[kurainburdened]

I’m realizing a lot of people followed me without playing AA, something I hadn’t considered when I first started this blog so heres some info for those who want to read up on Maya Fey.

But I also compiled ALOT of my HCs so if you haven’t been following me for a year  there’s a lot about how I characterize Maya. 

But if you have been following me for like a year or even 6 months I can’t imagine there’s a lot of new info here lol

Note: Im really ADHD and organizing my thoughts in a cohesive way is really hard for me so IDK if this is at all comprehensible. I did my best

Recap

[ important info for those who have not played AA ]

Information about her Family, Village and Traditions

The fey family has been blessed with the power to channel spirits. A power said to have been given to them due to how their ancestors were servants to the gods. The Main Families oldest daughter is the one that will head the family as the Kurain Master and lead their village. The younger siblings will become subservient to the Kurain master, a position that causes a lot of resentment. This means assassinations and uprisings aren’t entirely unheard of in their family.

In fact, most of the village is shown to be pretty uncaring towards Maya. When shes being dragged away for murder, they either watch on in disinterest or gossip among themselves. No one seems to be even a little bit upset or worried.

The only one who seems to show any kind of concern or faith in Mayas innocence is her Aunt Morgan, who raised her like a mother. This is ironic because Morgan is the one who set her up for murder. Something both Maya and Mia take as something very shocking

The Kurain Master holds quite a bit of political power as politicians all wish to have favor with her in order to gain access to her powers. In fact, even when in hiding, the previous Kurain master, Mayas mother, was kept under heavy surveillance, and files were kept on where she was and what she was doing.

The kurain village is a matriarchy, one where men are not allowed to live. Even in mariage, husbands must live separate from their wives. Because of this its stated in canon that this leads to many unhappy marriage that all end in divorce. Also, because of this rule, the men who visit for business purposes are given quite a mixed treatment. Because of the lack of men in their village, some see it as one of their few opportunities to make an impression and finally get married. Others see men and immediately assume them to be scum.

Traditionally the Kurain Master is never allowed to leave the mountain, and many of the women in the village are very sheltered. Pearly, Mayas younger cousin was raised to believe that there wasn’t even a world outside their village, and that the forest bordering it stretched on forever. Maya had to be told by her older sister about the ocean. Throughout the games there are proven to be extremely unknowledgable about very basic things. Pearly doesn’t know what a watch is. In the games Maya has no idea how to turn on a computer and in the anime she doesn’t know what the internet is.

Family History and Meeting Phoenix

Mayas mother, Misty, was tasked by the police in channeling a victim of a high profile case. In the end, the channeled victim gave the police a false lead to protect someone, which caused Misty to be branded a fake. This information was leaked to the public and soon Mayas family became a laughing stock.

Her Aunt Morgan raised Maya after her Mom disappeared and Mia left. Though this was with the ultimate goal of one day killing Maya, in order to make her own daughter the next Master.

Mia, Mayas older sister became obsessed with finding out who leaked this info and passed down the burden of Kurain Master to Maya. Years later Mia is a successful lawyer and even had an apprentice named Phoenix Wright. Then, on the day Maya and Phoenix were supposed to meet up with Mia, Mia was murdered. Maya arrived first on the scene followed by Phoenix. She was promptly accused of her murder which Phoenix got her acquitted for.

Other cases about Maya Fey

Maya is also kidnapped by an assassin in order to prompt Phoenix to defend a a killer. During this time she is starved over a period of three days to prompt Phoenix to close the case as fast as possible

When her mom finally reappears its because she has found out that there is a murder plot created by Mayas Aunt, and handed down to one of her cousins. Wanting to have the chance to save her daughter but not wanting to reveal her identity, she appears before Maya as a popular childrens author instead. In the end her mother is stabbed right before Mayas eyes, after which Maya had to hide from her killers on an isolated part of a snowy mountain.

Important Info

[ information important to how I characterize Maya ]

Her sister and how she affected her

During her sisters time in LA, due to her quick rise as a prominent lawyer, her ability to think outside of the box and her likable personality, Mia became a well known name between lawyers and police alike . Even among the police who are known to be hate defense attorneys, she was beloved.

Once she passed away, Phoenix mostly keeps Maya around due to her ability to bring back her sister.

Maya hears time and time again from those around her just how amazing her sister was. Because of this Maya feels a lot of pressure to replace her sister, feeling guilt that she could’ve easily been the one killed that day, leaving her sister to live in her place. She works tirelessly to be useful to the ones Mia left behind, most specifically Phoenix who’s debut case was defending Maya in court. She views him as a little brother who she needs to take care of.

During the final case of the first game, Maya has spent a lot of time with Phoenix and hasn’t been meditating enough. Because of this her powers start to leave her.This comes as a big hit to her. Maya has felt that she, herself, is useless and that her only real use is the fact that she can channel her sister. She goes to many lengths to try and be useful to Phoenix. At one point when Phoenix lets slip to a murderer that he has incriminating evidence, the murderer attempts to taser Phoenix, at which point Maya leaps in front of him and takes the hit. In the end Phoenix still gets tasered anyway. When she wakes up she begins to cry, stating how shes useless for being unable to protect him and even saying she wishes she never woke up. Maya has a lot of self hatred for being unable to reach the standards she feels her sister set.

Maya takes very active roles in getting Phoenix cases, to the point that there is not a single case in the trilogy that has not been sought out by Maya (not including the ones that Phoenix had a personal stake in and even some of those maya forced him into)

Morgan and how she affected her

I portray Morgan as someone who was kind of strict but someone very important to Maya. Morgan is someone who was the eldest sister but due to Misty’s, (her younger sister and Mayas mother)  abundance of power, the title of Master went to her instead. This caused a lot of anger and resentment towards Misty and by extension Maya. But as she raised Maya, it wasn’t all bad. There were softer moments. Small shows of kindness that Maya latched onto as proof that her Aunt loved her. I also hc that some of the most intimate moments Maya had with her Aunt is when Morgan was teaching Maya about their history and what it meant to be Master. Maya felt bad for her Aunt because she could see how passionate Morgan was about being Master, and this got passed down to Maya. Even after her Aunt tries to get her killed, that passion still remains all the way to when she’s an adult. In fact, she still loves her Aunt desperately and tries to make excuses for her and her actions.

Also because Morgan had no plans to allow Maya to live very long she did not properly educate or prepare her for being Kurain Master. Because of this I hc that after the trilogy Maya makes a point to get an education in order to properly lead her village and also make changes to the traditions in place that have bred so much hatred and murderous intent.

I think something that people really miss about Maya is that she is actually VERY serious about her position as Kurain Master and is very much willing to concentrate and put in hard work when necessary. For goodness sake the girl spends how many hours meditating. In fact she excitedly signs up to sit on a block of ice to meditate.

I also hc that Maya was supposed to learn how to use the sword because one of the family heirlooms passed down was a sword and a statue of her ancestor is also seen with a sword. So I like to think she tries to pick this up later.

De Killer and what this case says about her

When Maya is kidnapped by the assassin Maya is able to create a way to communicate with Phoenix and give him information that allows him to find her. When the assassin moves her, she figures out a way to leave behind evidence in a way that her kidnapper wouldn’t notice but she knows her friends will. She also leaves behind a letter, comforting Phoenix and her younger cousin, and even actively encouraging him to throw his case. Ensuring him that this is what she wants and that ‘she wouldn’t forgive him’ if he saved her because she knows Phoenix wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he went against his morals as a lawyer.

This speaks heights to how self sacrificing Maya is. She is an eighteen year old girl, slowly being starved to death by an assassin and yet her first thoughts are to comfort the adult trying to save her. Yet she isn’t trying to be a martyr either. She actively tries to get herself saved too if she can. But she lets Phoenix know that if he has to choose, choose his client. Because she knows how it would effect him. In spite of everything that happens she’s still trying to take care of Phoenix. 

Trust and Loyalty

During the last case of the third game, there’s a character called Godot who was in a relationship with her sister Mia. He was in a coma for several years and when he awakes he finds out Mia was killed. He blames himself for not being there to save her, so when he finds out about a murder plot against Maya he takes this as an opportunity for redemption.  In the end Mayas mother is possessed by a spirit that wants to kill Maya and Godot is forced to kill Mayas mother right in front of her. Godot admits to Maya later that he honestly didn’t care much about protecting her and was acting only out of selfish need for a feeling of redemption. That if he truly wanted to protect her he would’ve just told her from the start that someone wanted to kill her instead of creating an equally secret plot to protect her. To which Maya vehemently protests against. Sayig she believed in Godot and that he is a good person who wanted to save her too. That he should give himself more credit. This is just a long set up to explain that once Maya trusts someone she is EXTREMELY loyal to them. Maya even lies in court to protect Godot.

Which goes into another point which is that, Maya is ABSOLUTELY willing to break rules, the law and lie in court. She is only a certain amount of law abiding because the two closest people to her are lawyers.

(i felt like this was a lot of explaining so you can read the explanation below or skip it and watch this video of the cut scene im describing and then get to my thoughts )

PL vs AA is a game in which, during trials, the defendants are in an iron maiden suspended several feet in the air above a pit of fire. If found guilty there are sentenced to death and are immediately plunged into it. 

One of her friends, Espella, is about to be subject to a guilty sentence, and after declaring “this just isnt right” she makes a leap onto the iron maiden, gets it open and orders her to jump onto a nearby chandelier. Meanwhile guards are desperately trying to come in and recapture espella. During this confusion Maya is accidentally caught and shoved into the iron maiden and plunged into the fire. 

Phoenix believes Maya has been killed for a good part of the game and Maya wakes up in a strange land unaware of how to find Phoenix again 

I talk about this scene a lot but I feel like it really highlights just how brave Maya is. Because for a lot of the game you see Maya pushing Phoenix into the line of fire. If there’s a show of danger, for example when El Tigre seems like he’s about to go on a violent rampage Maya hides behind Nick. 

But when it really counts Maya is more than willing to put her life on the line to save other people. Not even for just her friends, but if it just means saving the life of someone innocent. 

Vulnerability in front of others

During PL vs AA, there is of course, a reunited scene between Maya and Phoenix later in the game that many fans found lackluster. Once they see each other, Maya belts out a YOOOOOOO NIIIICK before carrying on as usual. Ive seen countless people redo the scene as something more emotional- more crying more hugging. But honestly I think this was just more in character for Maya.

Maya’s always been the type to put up a strong front if she can. And later on you do get a brief scene of Maya tearing up and saying “I thought I’d never see you again” before she quickly moves on. She’s just not the type to run crying into phoenixes arms and try to bottle up those ‘sappy’ emotions unless she cant do it anymore. She’ll laugh off serious moments if physically possible. 

In other scenes you can see her being very sensitive with other people and their feelings, such as when adrien andrews begins hyperventilating and shes the first one at her side telling ‘take a deep breath and just breath. it’s going to be ok’ 

[petitesimss]

Get to Know Me Tag

I was tagged by the beautiful @timouke to do this challenge so here we go I guess?!

Rules: Post a pic of your simself with your traits and answer the questions! :)

My Traits: Clumsy, Goofball, and Genius 

(According to other people, I swear I didn't label myself as a genius! xD)

Really quick I would like to go ahead and tag of my FAV simblrs: @mmfinds @stardustsim @blushchat @brindletonsims @mochieo @awsimmer92 @fussysim @simplistic-sims4 @tainoodles and also anyone who wants to do it!

1. What is your full name? Megan :)

2. What is your nickname? Meg (Omg so basic)

3. When is your birthday? October 7th

4. Favorite book series? ‘ARRY POTTER!

5. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? Uhm not aliens but I think some form of ghosts exist. Not necessarily the scary ones xD

6. Favorite author? John Green

7. Favorite Radio Station? I don’t listen to the radio oof

8. What is your favorite flavor of everything? Chocolate or Strawberry!! Mmmm

9. What word will you often use to describe something great or wonderful? Amazing or just a *gasp* noise

10. What is your current favorite song? Nancy Mulligan by Ed Sheeran

11. Favorite word? oof

12. What was the last song you listened to? Currently listening to Pentatonix’s cover of Hallelujah

13. What TV show do you recommend? I am currently obsessed with Vampire Diaries

14. Favorite movie to watch when you’re upset? Omg this is weird but those classic like 2005 Barbie movies always cheer me up

15. Do you play video games? Not really other than sims ofc :P

16. Biggest Fear? Dark Bathrooms (especially the mirrors, its a long story)

17. What is your best quality, in your opinion? My drive to work hard or maybe just my general compassion for everyone

18. What is your worst quality, in your opinion? LAZINESS

19. Cats or dogs? CATS I HAVE THREE

20. Favorite season? Fall because of sweaters and moderately cool weather

21. Are you in a relationship? Oui!

22. Something you miss from your childhood? Barbie Movies

23. Best friend? My boyfriend xD

24. Eye color? Chocolate brown

25. Hair color? Dark brown, black at the roots

26. Who is someone you love? My mother xD

27. Who is someone you trust? My mother

28. Who is someone you think about often? My boyfriend (These answers are so basic oof)

29. Are you currently excited about/for something? IM SEEING THE CRIMES OF GRINDLEWALD TOMORROW

30. Biggest obsession? Cats

31. Favorite TV show as a kid? Probably I-Carly or Hannah Montana

32. Who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone? My boyfriend

33. Are you superstitious? Unintentionally yes

34. Any unusual phobias? Dark bathrooms xD

35. In front of the camera or behind it? Both

36. Favorite Hobby? Sims eek

37. Last book your read? Idk why but I stopped reading and so I have no idea

38. Last movie you watched? Not all of it but some of Pitch Perfect (I’ve already seen the whole thing don't worry)

39. Play an instrument? My voice and also a bit of the keyboard

40. Favorite Animal? Cat.

41. Top five tumblr blogs you follow? ALL OF THEM DANG IT

42. What superpower do you wish you had? Flight!

43. Where and when do you feel the most at peace? At home, sleeping in my bed

44. What makes you smile? Literally life

45. What sports do you play, if any? I’ve been in dance for 13 years

46. Favorite drink? Coca-Cola

47. Last time you wrote a handwritten note or letter to someone? This week actually!

48. Afraid of heights? DUH

49. Biggest pet peeve? SLOW WALKERS JUST WALK PLEASE

50. Ever been to a concert? Yep and I’ve been in several local ones

51. Vegan or Vegetarian? Heck no 

52. What did you want to be when you were little? A pop star xD

53. What fictional world would you like to live in? Just. Hogwarts. Always.

54. What is something you worry about? If I am actually liked by people

55. Scared of the dark? Only in bathrooms dude

56. Do you like to sing? YES (Soprano 1 - Mezzo)

57. Ever skipped school? Nope, I’m a good bean

58. Favorite place on the planet? Bed.

59. Where would you like to live? New York or Paris

60. Have any pets? 3 cats (Bella, Possum, and Ty) and also a fish whose name I don't remember

61. Early bird or Night owl? NIGHT OWL

62. Sunrises or Sunsets? I’m gonna go with sunsets

63. Do you know how to drive? I should but I don't xD

64. Earbuds or headphones? Earbuds but not the ones you get with an iPhone, those suck!

65. Ever had braces? Three years I think total, and I just had to get a 6 week retainer set to close a small gap that came back :(

66. Favorite genre of music? Pop I guess xD Or musical theater!

67. Who is your hero? My stepdad

68. Do you read comic books? No but my stepdad did xD

69. What makes you the most angry? When people make jokes about things like cancer or diabetes (THEY ARENT FUNNY)

70. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book? Definitely a real book, My eyes don't hurt as much plus they smellll soooo goooodd

71. Favorite Subject? English or Science

72. Any siblings? So this is complicated but I have one half brother, a half-step brother, and a half-step sister

73. The last thing you bought? I bought a journal and some bath salts for my friend’s birthday

74. How tall are you? So I used to be 5′2 but every time I go to the doctor they measure me at like 5′1 and I am confusion

75. Can you cook? Yes but I prefer baking

76. Three things you love? My family, my friends, and food (Omg I typed foot at first EEK)

77. Three things you hate? I LITERALLY DONT HATE ANYTHING IM SORRY

78. Do you have more female friends or male friends? Female oof

79. Sexual orientation? Straight But why did you need to know??

80. Where do you currently live? Louisiana OOOF

81. Last person you texted? My boyfriend, specifically “hehehe yess”

82. Last time you cried? Watching “A Walk to Remember” a few weeks ago

83. Favorite youtuber? All of them, rip

84. Do you like to take selfies? Yes but only because I don't like the pictures other people take of me xD

85. Favorite app? BUZZFEED or maybe netflix

86. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like? I love my mom and we are close but me and my biological dad don't talk

87. Favorite foreign accent? FRENCH OR BRITISH

88. Place you’ve never been to but want to visit? Hawaii or Paris

89. Favorite number? 2 but also literally any even number

90. Can you juggle? Who on here can actually juggle cause I want to be your best friend please (so no)

91. Are you religious? I’m supposed to be catholic but I haven't been to church in a while

92. Is outer space or the deep ocean more interesting? The deep ocean because I want to be a mermaid

93. Do you consider yourself a daredevil? No I am the opposite oof

94. Are you allergic to anything? Cats and dogs, pollen, grass, apparently something in the meningitis vaccine (ITS A LONG STORY)

95. Can you curl your tongue? YOU BET I CAN

96. Can you wiggle your ears? No but I can shake my eyes

97. How often do you admit that you’re wrong about something? I am never wrong, ever.

98. The forest or the beach? The beach cause mermaids

99. What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given to you? Do what you love, don’t work for money.

100. Are you a good liar? I am a TERRIBLE liar

101. Hogwarts house? Gryffindor but my hybrid house is Gryffinpuff soooo...

102. Do you talk to yourself? I used to tbh but now I usually just sing to myself

103. Introvert of Extrovert? Extrovert but I love me time

104. Do you keep a journal/diary? No I just deal with my thoughts

105. Do you believe in second chances? Absolutely

106. If you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do? Look for identification in it so I can return it to it’s owner

107. Do you believe that people are capable of change? Of course!

108 Are you ticklish? VERY

109. Have you ever been on a plane? Yes, I was on one last weekend

110. Any piercings? Only my basic ear piercings

111. What fictional character do you wish was real? Ronald Weasley

112. Any tattoos? No but I wanna get a few small ones later in life

113. Best decision you’ve made in your life so far? Care for others is far more rewarding than wallowing in sadness

114. Do you believe in karma? It depends, really

115. Do you wear glasses or contacts? I used to wear glasses but since one of my eyes is near sighted and the other is far sighted they balance each other out enough so that I don’t necessarily need them anymore

116. Do you want children? YES LIKE 3-5

117. Who is the smartest person you know? My stepdad

118. Most embarrassing moment? That time I asked my bestfriend at the time’s sister if I could wear a pad on a water slide (IT WAS MY FIRST PERIOD OKAY?)

119. Ever pulled an all-nighter? I’ve made it to 6 am xD

120. What color are most of your clothes? Yellow or pink :P

121. Do you like adventures? PLANNED adventures, yes

122. Ever been on tv? A few times

123. How old are you? 16

124. Favorite quote? But without the dark, we’d never see the stars

125. Sweet or savory foods? SWEEETTT

OML THIS TOOK FOREVER RIP