#idk im just upset and god forbid but i would like NOT TO BE and apparently thats the wrong choice

[bunnyb34r]

I'm so tired of being mad and tense all the time man I dont think my shoulders haven't permanently been up by my ears in like a full decade by now

I'm so tired so goddamn tired

[melobin]

“i love all 7 not just one” yet ur so dismissive abt a certain member which clearly isn’t loving all 7 goofy ass. no wonder ur friends with ninona 🤣 both y’all r ot6ers

me when i’m onto nothing the fact you can sit and assume you know how i genuinely feel about ot7 riize is crazy to me. you can continue to think what you want to because i can assure you both ninona and i do not gaf !! im far past the point of caring if people think i negatively of me over the situation with seunghan !! i know i love seunghan ! my friends know it too ! i do not gaf if random people on the internet think differently bc frankly why should i ? i run a smut blog girl im just here to talk about cock 99% of the time 😭

if i’m being completely honest here. i feel like people seem to struggle to grasp the concept that people handle things in their own ways. i’m a very sensitive and emotional person and over the years ive been trying to deal with that in a way where i don’t get hurt so easily. i’ve been dealing with severe anxiety for years i have chronic depression if i sat and thought about seunghan’s hiatus every day i would be completely miserable and worried and that’s not how i want to be i want to be okay i want to feel okay.

grief has never been something i ever get too emotional over it just doesn’t happen, of course it’s sad to not see him there but the way i handle things doesn’t mean i dislike him in anyway shape or form and i’m frankly quite tired of having to explain myself about this. at the end of the day, if seunghan returns it’ll be one of the best things to happen, it’ll make me incredibly happy, i don’t talk about my emotions often but if you want the truth there it is. if he, god forbid, ends up being removed from riize then it will hurt me and i will be upset. i’d rather spend his hiatus in a middle group of knowing there’s realistically a 50/50 chance of him returning and him not rather than sitting and getting my hopes up only to be hurt and upset after.

the way i deal with this hiatus is for my own benefit and my own sanity, i don’t want to be sad all the time, i just barely made it out of a depressive episode and i know if i sat and dwelled on him being on hiatus then i probably wouldn’t have made it out of it. the way i treat the other 6 members is the same way i treat seunghan, i feel the same way about them all, it’s just not as simple to show that when he’s not in gifs or videos or photos.

writing about him is not as easy because i haven’t seen him for months and as time has gone by the other 6 have become more visibly comfortable and free on camera and we never got to see that with him. i love writing for him, his porn plot fic is one of my favourite fics ive written and im always happy to write for him. i just tend to write more for sungchan and eunseok because those are the members i am more sexually attracted to, im a slut man idk what you want me to say. people rarely send asks about seunghan, they’re mainly about sungchan and anton and there’s nothing i can do about that. if people send asks about him, i answer them? if they don’t then i dont, i can’t answer something that isn’t there.

i don’t mean to post such a long rant but frankly i’m just tired of having to say the same thing over and over. no, i don’t care if you think badly of me over it, i don’t care for people who think they know how i feel about something and act as if their opinion is the be all end all. so thank you for sending this so i could freely express my feelings about this.

and DAWG leave ninona out of this as well !!! she expressed why she doesn’t write for him and i touched on my own feelings about writing for seunghan. i never once viewed her in a negative way, she’s one of the funniest people ive had the pleasure of befriending and no, she doesn’t hate seunghan either !

[victimsofyaoipoll]

Round 1

Propaganda Under Cut

Christine Canigula

This has enraged me for YEARS. She is constantly sidelined in the fandom in favor of the main m/m ship which itself its fine but the way people treat her drives me NUTS. When I actually was in the fandom, Consistently! her crush on the main character which is a CENTRAL fucking plot point is just explained away to make room for yaoi. If they even have that kind of decency. Like 99% of the fics just say "oh! she's a lesbian actually totally this was comphet im not a misogynist" or "she's Actually Aroace" and not ponder on the optics of sanitizing the CANON fucking attraction of a chubby easian girl. It's sososo transparent and another fucking example of she's actually the Mom friend! or other annoying racist and misogynistic tropes.

She likes play rehearsal. She's the love interest of the main character, Jeremy. Jeremy also has a best friend, Michael, whom he's usually shipped with. And since she's the canonical love interest and as such often gets in the way of their beloved ship. They are very creative in finding the ways to get rid of her to ship Michael with Jeremy, ranging from making her asexual(because ace people can't date apparently), completely kicking her out of the last two songs of the musical and putting Michael in her place, to vilifying her and claiming she was never interested in Jeremy in the first place, despite musical explicitly saying the opposite.

Love interest of the main character Jeremy Heere and therefore stands in the way of the fandom's most popular ship, boyf reinds. Being specifically a love interest we don't get. A whole lot of her but she's fun! She's a theatre kid. She is silly and goofy. Also has a one off line in one of the songs that mentions she has ADD. Idk what I'm supposed to say really and I'm always bad at talking about characters so.

Yennefer

Constantly villainized because one way or another she gets in the way of a MLM ship (though at least one of them would probably be fine with a poly relationship). In the show version of her, her love interest bound her to him via magic, never told her until someone else brought it up despite it the bond causing them to meet over and over, her love interest didn’t understand why this upset her and brushed it off and still has never apologized for it because apparently it was the only way to save her life, she had better chemistry with Jaskier (the other half of the MLM ship) and had a semi-decent rivals to frenemies thing going on, the show took away her powers (which never happened in the books) to have her go on a pointless quest to get them back that worsened her relationship with her love interest because they had her try to kill her love interest’s adopted child (which now justifies why he doesn’t need to apologize of course), and all of that was after she’d already had an arc regarding sacrifice and how power wasn’t really what she wanted.

she's an incredibly powerful mage and drop dead gorgeous and deserved so much better!!! justice for yen

God forbid women do anything. She either gets hate or is ignored, really classic stuff. And she's Geralt's gf but you know, *gestures at geraskier*

[stormyoceans]

Was it exactly the same writing team that did the first 9 episodes? what prevented them from separating the two of them, but for them to keep in touch with each other by sharing their successes via video link? it would be much better and the trope of love at a distance is much better than the trope of let's break up, because this is the laziest explanation for the whole mess. only "be my favorite" avoided this shitty twist. no, this trope really needs to be excluded from the plots of all lacorns of 11 episodes if the creators are not sure how to make a drama out of the blue, or if they are not sure that it will not look cheap on the screen. God, this is such bullshit. It's been so long, but I'm still angry about this twist. it wasn't the sudden epiphany that bothered me (okay, hope, and all that, I get it, okay), but fucking this cheap and completely unnecessary move… I'm shutting up, I'm sorry, Monica.

https://x.com/Itsjuzm3/status/1836848070639640725

ON GOD IM SO SERIOUS WHEN I SAY THE UNIVERSE NEEDS TO SEND ME BACK IN TIME AND TELEPORT ME INTO THAT WRITERS ROOM SO I CAN HOLD EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THERE AT GUNPOINT LIKE YEAH A CHOICE HAD TO BE MADE AND Y'ALL CHOSE THE WORST FUCKING OPTION ✋😭

and please don't apologize anon, my inbox is always open if any of you needs a space to vent, either about life or a show, and when it comes to last twilight i feel the exact same way as you, so really, don't worry about it. i honestly admire the people who like the last two episodes of last twilight, because god knows i've tried but i just cannot make my peace with them, and this interview only proved that i have to accept the fact that unfortunately it will never happen. it's not even about day regaining his sight, because not only i feel like i cannot judge on that matter as someone who doesn't have a disability, but either way they would have made morkday break up and not even contact each other for years, and that's what my main problem is, both narrative and character-wise

'and with that choice, one character inevitably ends up feeling heartbroken' <- like this line is the ultimate proof that i simply cannot see things the same as them, because to me there never were only two choices – either morkday breaking up and not seeing each other for years, or staying together and having day feeling like he was being pitied and keeping mork from having his own life - but there always was a secret third option that would have made much more sense with the development of the characters: have them part but be together, have them build their own life but still have each other be part of it

also that last part about day's mom upsets me so much because they keep saying that day didn't want to be pitied but god fucking forbid they gave us a moment where he turned around to his mom and told her 'i do not need p'mork or anyone else to take care of me i can take care of myself'. and really, they needed years for day and his mom to have that conversation about love?????? wouldn't have made much more sense to have it even just a couple of days after the break-up??????

idk i really just could go on for days talking about why this part in particular doesn't make sense to me and actively made me dislike the ending, but i feel like i've already been way too negative so im gonna stop here

just know i feel the same anon and that im sending you all the hugs!!!!!!!!

[kiddphel]

i love self shipping, and self ship circles have always been fun and important to me cuz i enjoy sharing this with others and seeing what they have. but also this shit has become so taxing and exhausting lately i think thats why i keep my self ship thoughts in my Brain and only wanna Talk abt oc and ttrpg stuff.

ive seen some of the worst behaviors from ppl here. like, ive seen ppl up close and personal being some of the most rude and selfish ppl imaginable. ive SEEN ppl make up lies abt other ppl to try and make them look bad for no reason other than they have the same f/os or gets more attention. ive seen ppl throw away years long friendships over Nothing, over fictional characters, without even saying a word to them because god forbid we care abt friendships in this community. ive had ppl say they want to be my friend and then only come to me to talk abt their ships, never once letting me share anything, and then stop talking to me when they couldnt use me for attention anymore. ive had ppl come to me asking me to rb their stuff cuz "youre popular, i'll get more views". ive had ppl ask me to rb their stuff SPECIFICALLY in hopes that someone they didnt like/had the same f/o as them saw it and it would upset them. why would you ever ask people to do that. yes im not making that up and no i did not do it, but i was still somehow the bad guy for telling that person it was a messed up thing to ask me to do.

idk maybe thats why the community is "failing". or maybe im just a crabby old man who knows i dont know and i dont care im gonna go draw my goat from detroit again

[evansbby]

BESTIE IM SOOSOSOSOSOS HAPPY POYT IS OUT but idk i couldn’t shake the feeling that i was reading a different fic, everyone was super OOC like omega being more brazen and yelling, i always imagined omega as more of the silent type and homegirl was BOLD, steve was just soo different..he was kinda giving manchild and pathetic and just different and i mean poyt!steve is a MANCHILD but idk they just didnt hit the same. It was the ending i expected and was glad that omega got her happy ending but i just wanted angst honestly. I expected peter to take her away and steve just like find them somehow, idk it felt like i was reading a different story, were you perhaps influenced by other characters because they felt a bit off…Anyway it was long and really happy 5 is out! SO SAD TO SEE POYT COMING TO AN END😭 AAH I MISS IT ALREADY, i feel like poyt 3 was like my fav chapter of the whole series, it just slapped and you’re a fantastic writer and i hope this message didn’t offend you in anyway! I just wanted to tell you my opinion, I CHECKED UR ACC EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR A POYT UPDATE(not joking 100% serious)

Oof. So when I first read this comment about a week ago, I was pretty upset and hurt by it. Again, I feel like it is very tactless to say this to someone who spent so long writing something and was so nervous about it being posted.

But okay, let’s get into it then…

1) you felt like it was out of character that omega was being “bold” by being brazen and yelling bc you imagined her as more of the silent type. Okay. So you just wanted to read almost 40k words of her being shy and stuttering and having absolutely no growth while the worst things in life happened to her and everyone just walked all over her? You wanted absolutely no character growth? You wanted her to just remain quiet and docile and never be comfortable. You didn’t want her to stand up for herself when this madman Bucky is about to SA her? You wanted her to remain all bashful and shy and quiet and not show any emotion when she found out her mother left her? Okay then… Look, I’m a very quiet person but sometimes when I’m pushed so far, I WILL react. I think it’s extremely weird of you to think someone would just remain shy and docile forever when such terrible things are happening to her. It’s like… what exactly did you want to read??? You didn’t want her to react to anything?? All that being said, I feel like she still WAS shy in the moments that weren’t her mom leaving or the confrontation with Bucky. Like she literally still is shy, it’s only when she’s being pushed to the limit that she reacts like almost anyone else in her position would. Do you think shy people don’t yell? I’m really confused…. Because omega has lashed out in the other parts too. In POYT 4, and POYT 3 and even in POYT 2. So… idec what you mean by that being OOC.

2) Steve being a “manchild” Girl… idk WHAT fic you were reading before POYT 5 bc Steve has ALWAYS given manchild vibes. Like always. But I think I know what you mean. It seems like you didn’t like that big strong tough alpha Steve was acting “pathetic” and having panic attacks. Because God forbid someone make their characters react different to different things and God forbid someone make their characters multi-faceted, right? I’m sorry it “didn’t hit the same” for you, but I don’t know what you thought you’d achieve by telling me this. I’m proud of how i characterised Steve, and many have told me his progression was realistic and the panic attack made sense. Steve has always been all over the place with his emotions, ever since POYT 4.

3) i literally cannot believe how you’ve actually sent me this and I will not be gaslighted by anyone chiming in being like “omg that anon didn’t mean to be rude” bc idec. This WAS rude. You’re complaining because the fic “didn’t hit the same” and you didn’t get what you were expecting. Fair enough, feel that way all you want. But I wrote this fucking behemoth of a fic for free, and I don’t need to see comments like this. Idec if you sprinkled in a few compliments at the end bc this was the most backhanded thing I’ve ever read. To the point where it’s almost laughable bc either you meant to be rude and backhanded, or you’re just not self aware enough.

“I expected Peter to take her away” okay? Do you want me to apologise for not writing the plot the way YOU wanted it to go? Bffr. Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a fan of cliche stuff like that, I never intended for him to take her away. “I just wanted angst” There was angst. It was very angsty. If you want a more angsty fic, write one yourself.

“Poyt 3 was my fav, it just slapped” this is the most backhanded thing ever 😂😂😂😂 it’s like you didn’t want any progression, any resolution. WHICH AGAIN, that’s fine if that’s what you’re into! But write it yourself jfc.

I just want to ask you this. If you had written a 37k fic over the course of more than six months FOR FREE and then nervously posted it, only to get a backhanded message like this one… how would that feel? I mean it’s one thing if I was a paid author, then you can criticise me all you fucking want bc at least you’re paying me to read my shit.

But to read it and come back telling me the characters felt off, that you felt like you were reading a different story, etc etc. It is not nice. I remember reading this message a week ago and I literally burst into tears bc I was so sensitive. I wish you’d sent this not through anon so I could keep note of who you are and maybe block you or keep you away from my writing bc honestly? I don’t want you even reading it. But oh well.

And I know many of you will read this and say I’m overreacting but I don’t care. This is me being truthful. This wasn’t nice. Goodbye and please unfollow me.

[darby-rowe]

re the anon....god forbid a woman have fun? maybe they should mind their own. the block button exists if they're so pressed

context

NAH FR CLOCK IT ANON 🫵

but honestly im kinda like.. upset that someone would reduce my blog to just me complaining and “rape fics” as if i dont have other content on here. like i have masterlists for a reason!! ALSO EVERYTHING IS TAGGED TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY TOO??? i write noncon as well as many many other writers on here and if you dont like that type of content, then thats ok!! i also didnt like that type of content once upon a time. the tag ‘cw noncon’ is a reoccurring tag on my blog that you’re more than welcome to block. and if you dont like me in general? just block my blog at this point. i even ENCOURAGE people to block me.

idk man. where people get the energy and audacity i have no clue

[kissesandsuch]

Okay I just gotta say you’re supposed to be a born again Christian and shit you’re mildly upset that not everyone else in the world is but why are you still bitching?? You don’t wanna sit with someone……because they wear an evil eye necklace? Ohhh so you can disrespect other religions and be a preachy bitch and act like you’re better than everyone but god forbid I say oh my god I’m suddenly terrible and disrespectful? Hey bro people were nailing that man to a cross I don’t think a 15 year old girl saying omg is that big a deal. And side note HES NOT FUCKING REAL and even if he is why would I go to hell?? For not believing?? If god is merciful and good and shit he should understand that I’m thinking with my brain and not my heart and I’m simply not afraid of dying and don’t need comfort on it. I also wanna fuck bitches and get money. And also sexualize priests every chance I get. Can’t explain it. Maybe it’s like the mental superiority and corruption aspect of it? Idk I’m crazy. But yeah fuck you bitch I don’t like that girl either but I guarantee if I said ONE THING about being agnostic or an atheist you’d blow up. I’m a good person and shit and I’m not tryna start nothing but seriously fuck you im not dancing around the rules to your made up bullshit. You’re gonna feel real dumb for not being happy and satisfying yourself when you die and realize there’s no god. Womp womp. Imagine not fucking or cussing or doing drugs or masterbating?? Okay what do you do?? I’m playing sorta. Like bro you won’t listen to rock or “devil worship” music? Faggot what??😭😭 tf you mean you don’t support gay ppl you were ankle deep in pussy and yk damn well I’ve been there too. It just pisses me off. Religion pisses me off. It all pisses me off so hard. Jesus is a character THATS ALL. Yall mistranslated a book. That’s all there is to it. Fuck you and fuck god fr. The only amount of faith I have in ANYYYTHING is the universe. That shit WORKS. IDC you tried manifesting or meditating?? Have you tried crystals?? Essential oils?? Rituals?? That shit works in mysterious ways idk. I don’t believe in god but I believe the universe has good things in store for me. I don’t need to pray or worship the universe, I just know it’s there and that’s fire. No personification of it either that’s just my gang the universe. I think that’s a healthy relationship with faith tbh. I have faith that everything will work out and that the universe is on my side and I don’t have to try to be someone I’m not or deny myself or hate others to earn the universes love. I just KNOW it freaked her out when she was talking shit and I started reciting the Bible and told her to love thy neighbor and not judge….hey your words I’m just repeating them….. run that back fr….. it actually makes me mad the only religious people allowed are John Ward and Orel Puffington. That’s all we got. So fuck you and fuck your cult and fuck god and fuck trying to make me feel bad for finding it dumb bc adleast I’m trying to bet you a million I could make you question your belief in a minimum of 500 words but nah I’m not bc I’m a good person why can’t you do the same?

[shinshoyu]

//vent

i hhhhate how many things just keep going wrong in my LIFE like PLEASEEEE

everyone piles up on me all at the same time and i'm never mad about what i actually should be mad about i get mad about the things that shouldn't matter as much as they do like my microphone not being perfect or my headphones only liking one port on my laptop.

im just so tired of being angry all the time and idk maybe im trying to project it onto mediocre things so the big things can be dealt with and not snapped about but i snap about the little things that it's not even worth snapping over and im just. im tired

i almost started crying because my expensive headphones and my expensive microphone don't work or sound the way i want them to and it's just upsetting me so much. and it's not even a big deal because yknow what? so what! fucking sell the shit and get better shit! what's the issue with that? oh is ir because you're an egotistical little bitch who believes they're above selling things to get better things? fucking hell.

not to mention what im really frustrated about are people and school and i don't want to be upset about either of those things but i cant stop being angry abt them and it's like fuck just shut UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

i try to make myself feel better and it gets worse and it makes me angrier and i think hanging out with people will help because it gets me out of my self depreciating moods but it serves to turn those negative emotions into different negative emotions that i bottle up because it's not appropriate to deal with them the way i feel i need to and it's just UGH

i just want people to shut the fuck UP your voices grind on my gears and remind me of horrible times in my life and you talk about your life that you barely have because of how fucking chronically online you are and you boast about all your fucking mental illnesses but it doesn't give you an excuse to not be courteous to others. ok yeah sure you're autistic well so am i and i'm still a nice fucking person. i cant even get a word in because you fucking assholes keep talking about things that make me want to die and if i speak up about it your ass pins any type of hatred you can on me. i don't fucking CARE what mental illnesses you have or what religion you follow or what color your fucking skin is i don't give a flying fuck about those things. what i fucking care about is keeping myself stable and safe and i cant do that when you accuse me of hatred for SETTING A BOUNDARY. i am SCARED to speak up for myself because the second i do i am attacked and i KNOW you would do the same thing.

like if you join a vc full of people in a completely separate server who aren't a part of your other servers or anything like that, should you really just be talking about what happened in your other vc? it's just the two of you talking. it's like you're fucking debriefing and the rest of us, or at least i, don't want to fucking hear it. i don't want to hear about how loud and chaotic and overwhelming the vc was. i don't want to hear about what scandal happened in the massive pool of voices you can barely discern. i don't want to hear about what game you played because it's always the same and it always reminds me of the worst, lowest point in my life and you just keep fucking talking. you keep going and going and going and you don't stop and let other people talk.

god and your fucking dni and shit are so specific like i hate to say this but fucking grow up. get a therapist and learn how to deal with your shit, because you can't get mad at someone for existing in their own space that you invade. god fucking forbid i like listening to melanie martinez and hollywood undead. oh no, i'm so sorry, do my choices that don't affect you traumatize you and now you have a new alter in your 500+ system? grow the fuck up. MY music choice shouldn't affect YOUR BRAIN. my BOUNDARIES about certain games and topics shouldn't affect YOUR LIFE.

like be so fucking for real right now. be SO fucking for real. if you have a problem with someone or something, fucking block them. that's the beauty of the fucking internet. if you have such a problem with those things don't hide it in your little carrd with all the other bullshit you hate, deal with it like the rest of us and get some fucking therapy. you need to learn healthier coping mechanisms rather than relying on other people to bend to your life. fuck off.

[kusundei]

its just everything is . attached w a sort of guilt. a doubt. i could probably work through it like i did in the beginning but this is also just incredibly different. because there was no reason for me to be so doubtful then. it truly was just a self hatred and it went away as easily as it did then because of how we were moving and i didnt even really have anything to condemn myself over. now i do. i really really do. i can shake off the feeling momentarily but it just keeps coming back and i mean its okay? im supposed to feel like this i just. truly am just hoping jt doesnt stick to me forever. i just feel too selfish if i get over it now and this quickly. of course i’ll always sort of be repenting over jt but j dont want him to think that i think everything is okay bdcause im acting normal. because jt rlly isnt okay and im not giving myself the benefit of the doubt. id just rather do everything in my power to make it better for him. i would truly do anything and give up anything for the sake of him and i think this has also just festered some old ideals of mine. trying to remain less self sacrificial as i did before and less overbearing and desperate and burdening but its all sort of just coming back to me. that i truly have taken hundreds of steps back from where i was before. ir isnt even an issue within the relationship entirely - like i know . i knowww what i did and yeah it did change something for us and holy fuck do i feel horrible about it because j hate. hatehatehate change especially change that takes me back to a worse position but its just an issue within myself where i. failed again. i try sososo hard each time to be different. to change something , to be as small as possible , as helpful as possible , to help and not to hurt but god forbid. hurt people hurt people? but even then that saying doesnt help me at all. nothing really lessens the blow if you truly consider it because it is just all the same and im just learning to acknowledge my faults without trying to sugarcoat it

i dont know. i just. really really hate myself. but its not like this is a new feeling? its just worse because its related to the fact that i hurt the one person i never wanted to hurt but jts always like that isnt it? i will always. find a way. to hurt someone. because unfortunately at my core thats just kind of who i am. i can try as hard as i want to prove to other people and to myself that im not the way that i am but deep down i do still acknowledge it. the reason why id always rather hurt myself over and over again because why should it be at the cost of others? and even now ive just done it again. again again and again. but no what cycle? there is no cycle? surely? im just perpetuating something that isnt true. hell and w my doubts as well i mean like im . realistic. i know he probably does still mean it its just the fact that its probably less is whats bad. but then again of course that was bound to happen? its just upsetting. i just feel so hypocritical. whenever he says things like that i so desperately want to believe him like i did before but i just cant get over myself and jts honestly sickening. i mean i just. idk. its happening exactly how i said earlier how if im alone too long i’ll just start thinking ab it again but im trying to remember today as well. i felt better after a while. could look him in the eyes again. felt sorta okay and better ab touching him and being physical i suppose. started talking more and was joking w him and being. normal. its just at moments during that id think about it again and be like? who am i? why am i being normal again? but i kept just trying to ignore jt. sorta just a refusing tk let myself think before i do anything which is honestly the same thing as me being delirious and preferring it that way i judt wish i could get it all to stop or something. idk im just running in circles. i just feel so. bittersweet. looking at things still. that i miss him and that i wish he was here and i want to be around him all the time and talk to him and etcetcetc. i truly ammm just. not letting myself get over it because im being stubborn but i also still just feel condemned. of course not by him jusr truly by myself? idk i jusf. im normal. but who am i. ? i still probably wont let myself be. myself. for a bit. just feels like too much. even in private i do feel guilty just looking at things. being like ohhh my boyfriend ^_^ like. god. i still have a boyfriend? but thats too condemning im. getting that ache again. idk ive flung the hoodie to the other side of the bed because i still feel too bad about it. wont go through my photo gallery wont sleep to his voice till i am. more deserving. i suppose. till i know for sure its okay and i condemn myself a little less

iiiii. am. normal. i mean? as normal as i’ll ever be.? its just like. yeah no i feel better sort of but thats also the bad part. oh bcuz who am i.? im trying again not to condemn myself over it but i cant exactly help feeling bad whenever iiii feel okay again. who am i to be normal??? to act like everything js okay and nothing happened?? its just. incredibly selfish. half the reason i keep just kind of distracting myself is because if i am alone for too long j will start thinking about it and i’ll be evil but isnt that whats supposed to be happening anyway? im not relinquished of anything. he can be as kind and sweet as he wants because he truly is just at his core but he is. way too kind to me when i am so incredibly undeserving.

ive always sort of felt undeserving of everything regarding him but i chose to look past it because i am better. i am a good person i am okay and i can be better and im not condemned to my past but idk. this just reminds me that no i am still selfish and i am still not . really a good person. it really has just kind of brought the attachment style and allll my doubts back into the forefront of my mind ljke it was before. like when we first started dating and i was horrified. didnt believe anything he said really but i worked through it its just like? why am i doubting him now? i was the one who hurt him so why is it making me? falter?

i mean im just asking a rhetorical question because i know. iiii always know. its just that i truly dont believe he means any of it anymore because j huuurt him. the one thing thats always sort of bothered me is when he deemed me perfect, which is such a nice and flattering sentiment but i think it weighed down pn me this feeling that i HAD to be perfect when i knew deep down i had already made such a bad mistake. which is why it was so scary? i knew how he was going to take jt and j tried to just accept it and work through it and j AM. i am i am i am but i keep going back and forth on how i want to deal with this. do i keep acting like im okay and everything is okay and live like that? because it would work and it would probably help him so much more than me focusing on how much i hate myself now but i just feel. horrible if i do do that. but is that me self sabotaging again by truly preferring to condemn myself and let this kill me? like it did last time?

i dont know. again it kind of has just reminded me of last time. but the issue with this compared to how it was with jd is that that issue w jd happened about a year and a half into our relationship and the worst part? it ruined it. it festered there and grew more and more till it killed both me and her because it stuck. ajax and i arent even at 2 months yet and jve already? done? something? that detrimental? its just like. i need to change something. find something. DO something different. because i know what i did with jd last time and jm trying not to repeat a cycle. i’ll be different ill try ill do everything i can because iii cant. as selfish as it is i cant let. this . go. i cant let HIM go either and j feel horrible about it again but i just i dont know

its just so weird because. its all came back. and its so unhelpful. because i KNOW hes still going through it and he doesnt believe me and things r just different but why is it also different for me? i should just be focused on him. doing the most i can to make him feel better and really emphasize that nothing has changed in me especially regarding how much i love him. its just i also keep just feeling. so. so guilty. it comes and goes in waves again. it truly is just the fact that hes right. because if i do love you this much then why would i do that to you? why did i do that? and my only answer is just that i am selfish. because i didnt know how to keep my mouth shut and i made such a personal thing out to be just another thing i could just say because iiiii trust them. but HE doesnt know them. j told her for what? because i needed her to know? she didnt need to know that. even if i was as shocked as i was and still processing it and wanted to talk about it i shouldve kept it to myself and processed it silently. instead i put him last and ignored the matter of fact that this would affect him badly just because iiiiii wanted to talk about it . i was selfish and put myself before him and this always happens when i do so. truly why dont i ever learn? what is wrong with me?? i keep kind of forgetting about it all and then it comes back. then goes then leaves. what sucks is truly that . im so doubtful again. its not that i dont trust him and i dont believe him its just that i hate myself. i hate myself all over again and its making me unable to believe that i deserve any of this AGAIN. that no. hes lying to me. he doesnt mean it hes just saying that? ive hurt him too much . because theres no way he just has no negative feelings toward me when i was the one who did that. and let alone if he IS telling the truth then thats worse because why am i spared? why am i given the benefit of the doubt when he has vocalized that if it was anyone else he wouldve hated them? so why is jt different for me? you SHOULD hate me. thats the problem.

[waveswept]

god i just. try so hard to be nice to ppl and i Really dont like confrontation but I get dumb and defensive super easily and i hate it so much like if this person is acting like it's nothing when i ask them to stop being blatantly mean then maybe it is just me and i am overreacting and being the shitty one here

[safety-pin-punk]

idk how to word this, so apologies if it sounds strange

but I was wondering... you know being punk a part of that is disliking the rich, in simple terms

so if, -hypothetically- a punk person genuinely fell in love with a rich/richish person or a celebrity, would they still be considered punk or?

Oh boy, I feel like Im about to go on a roller coaster of tangents with this ask, so Im gonna put a tl;dr at the bottom. And before anyone comes at me for my reply, you should be aware that I grew up dirt poor to the point that my brother (now 35) refuses to eat pinto beans because thats all we had for 2 weeks straight once. So Im not saying this as a person who has never been effected by way that capitalism exists in our society.

First off, lets talk about what makes you ‘punk’. Its not a look, its not only about the music. Its about the set of values that you adhere to. Being punk is about supporting those who cant support themselves. Its about fighting for a better world. Being punk means that you genuinely care for the people and the world around you. Put simply, ‘hating the rich’ does not make you punk. But being upset with what the rich do with their money can.

And personally, I believe that its wrong to hate someone just because of their socioeconomic status. Now people like Bezos and Rowling, yeah, they are fair game. Not because they are rich, but because they are horrible people who use their money for not good things. But if you have someone who came into wealth either through an inheritance, hard work, or they were just born wealthy, why would you hate them for that? They cant control the socioeconomic circumstances of which they were born. Its like hating poc people just because of their skin color. Or hating men just because they are men. Why would you hate someone over something they cant control?

Now your ask specifically, does it make you not ‘punk’ to love someone who is rich? Short answer: no. BUT that isnt to say that there aren’t things that can result in less than cool circumstances. If your partner holds values that are the opposite of the punk culture, and are unwilling to learn and grow as a person, you may want to rethink things. If they came into their money by extortion and union busting, you may want to rethink things. If your partner expects YOU to adopt values that are the opposite of those that the punk culture holds dear, you may want to rethink things. But if you have a partner who wants to use their money for good and is willing to grow and change (or already holds some punk values whether they know it or not) , then I think you are set.

And also, (though I may not be the best representative here cause Im aro spec) you cant control who you love. You can choose whether or not you act on that love and how. But you cant control love. So even if (god forbid) you loved Jeffery Bezos, it wouldn’t immediately make you not punk, how you dealt with it could

I also want to throw in this. I’m not sure how old the person who sent this ask is, but regardless, I think this is very important. Never just accept what people say. And I dont mean that in a ‘dont believe everything you read on the internet’ kind of way. I mean it in a ‘dont believe or adopt values unless you understand why people value something’ way. You should be thinking critically about your own beliefs, not just going with something because ‘thats what punks are supposed to do’. I’ll even take this a step further and say, its almost the opposite of punk do dictate your life over what others say is right or wrong instead of what you have determined to be right or wrong. Rich people are a great example of that. And Im not including this to put anyone down, I just believe this is a very important aspect of punk culture and foundation that is starting to be forgotten. Dont hate someone or something just because people tell you to. Learn why and make your own conclusion.

Tl;dr: Dating someone of a certain socioeconomic status doesnt make you ‘less punk’ because people are not inherently bad because of something they are born into or have acquired. What is important is the values that people hold and what they do with their money.

[takemebythehand-andsetmefree]

Okay… I have a lot of feelings about this GODDAMN EPISODE.

1- the HolidaysTM

Idk why but I feel like everyone is having a really shitty time this year. No holiday plans are working out the way we want and everyone is on edge. Idk if that because we as a society forgot how to be “normal people” or exist outside of Covid or what but I swear it’s like everything wrong with the holiday season. It’s the whole “Christmas doesn’t really feel like Christmas, just another day” but THE ENTIRE WORLD??? Or at least the world I interact with.

2- Buck and Taylor.

So we all know Buck has abandonment issues, we been knew, but idk if it’s projection or what but honestly they’re SO apparent right now. He’s obviously going through the motions with Taylor because he CANT STAND the thought of loosing one more person, even if it’s someone he doesn’t super love/consider family. Like the fact that he doesn’t know what to get her for Christmas is ludicrous! The only people IDK what to get stuff for is people I don’t care/know enough about. And honestly Taylor is the same way. (From my POV) (an epiphany I just had rn as Im typing) BUCK IS TAYLOR’S ABBY. He is the first person who has shown her that he wants her for more than just sex (that we know of) and the intense way that he loves is something we all crave tbh. She loves the idea of him, and the idea of being in love with him- she wants what he’s willing to give her. She doesn’t love him for his quirks and his endearing gifts, (her first thought when Buck gives her the bracelet is that he’s putting a tracking device on her, not that Buck wants to keep her safe, and if (god forbid) another Earthquake or Tsunami happens and she’s caught in it(!!!) he wants to be able to find her and save her.) If she knew anything about him, a sweater would not be her gift to him either. Part of me thought they were gonna do the whole “idiot boyfriend gets her an appliance while caring girlfriend buys him a super personal gift” but tbh I think this shows just how much she doesn’t care. It’s a gift my mom would get my dad’s brother. Or my dad because that’s all my dad asks for. Maybe Im just more romantic but I feel like I would get a much more personal present that a sweater (and I did!!! I dated someone for less than a month and got them a better present then a fucking sweater).

3- EDMUNDO MOTHER FUCKING DIAZ.

Okay. We’re all upset here. The episode starts with Edmundo (he will be Edmundo until he fixes this goddamn mess of an ending) trying his very best to make this the best Christmas he can for Christopher. He knows something is wrong so he’s bending over backwards to do everything perfectly, be perfect. But obviously he won’t be able to achieve this because Christopher is dealing with trauma. Having a sting memory associated with the holidays (like celebrating it with your mom who has since passed) is going to make the future times so much harder. But instead of TALKING ABOUT IT LIKE ADULTS SHOULD he chooses the other side of the spectrum (fight club was on one side) and he’s just going to walk away from the danger.

What he doesn’t understand is that quitting your job isn’t going to make things easier for Christopher because your job isn’t the issue here. It’s starting to look like Christopher has PTSD, and that’s going to be INCREDIBLY difficult for Edmundo to accept. He could barely accept his own from war, and refuses to accept his own from getting shot (the fourth time) and held at gun point (not even a year later).

Now he is nothing like my parents in the regard of my parents are much closer to the Buckley’s, but something they do have in common is refusing to accept what is right in front of your eyes. Instead we’re going to FixTM it. His love language is obviously acts of service so he’s going to do those acts of service to try to FixTM Christopher, but that’s not what he needs! He needs love and someone to hold him and understand that things suck and are tough but we’ll get through them together.

I need this show to go that direction with this plot line. I NEED THIS PLOT LINE TO GO IN THE DIRECTION OF EDMUNDO DIAZ TALKING ABOUT HIS GODDAMN FEELING WITH LITERALLY ANYONE AT THIS POINT!!!! I need them to have him talk to his son about how scared he was, and that it’s okay to be scared, but we need to make sure we’re coping in healthy ways. I thought they were going to do that after the Fight ClubTM plot line, and they did for a second. The whole “I don’t want my son to be like me” or whatever thing really made me think he had gotten some character growth for one Edmundo Diaz. But growth isn’t linear. My own personal growth has taken multiple steps back in the last two years so I understand why they are having it go this way now.

But it’s so hard to watch. It feels like we won’t get any resolution and part of me is done. Im tired of being thrown around by the writers. First Maddie’s post partum not being dealt with, and then her leaving, which led to Chimney leaving. Buck clinging onto Taylor so hard because he can’t have her leave too, just to have the ONE PERSON he thought would stay, leave as well. It’s like a bad angst fic that an author abandoned and I know we’ll get more episodes but that’s not what I needed this Christmas and I think that’s a pretty general consensus.

[lcandothisallday]

ik like even though my show wasn’t canceled, i’m upset that he hasn’t been communicating very well and the fact that no one got refunded, it just makes me upset cause so many people are getting mad about things like him only doing 2 nights and things

yeah the whole people getting made over the 2 nights thing is annoying but let me offer a rebuttal. since the start of the pandemic, harry's popularity has increased by TENFOLDS. getting tickets now is going to be hella expensive and its gonna be hella rare getting good seats.

I got my tickets in November 2019 before fine line even came out and I could have gotten PIT tickets for like $200. now pit tickets are insanely expensive and god forbid he starts doing stadium tours instead of areans💀 nose bleeds in that would be the worst and he'd be the size of an ant whereas in arena, you could get nose bleeds and it wouldn't be that bad

idk I guess im able to sympathize cos im in their position and I feel cheated and I know im never gonna be able to see him for fine line😂😂😂

[tinyboxxtink]

Hey so loved your black magic series! I read your post about using REE/Rafael. I’ll read anything you write but this idea to me is RPF and kind of squicks. ☹️ Maybe if you use another character he played? Nevada?! Someone sees “Barba” doing something super bad and they’re all “omg omg” and think it’s Barba? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I hear you, I do. HOWEVER, I made a "Version" of Raul Esparza in this story that is 5 years younger, and...I hate to say it, "more" famous?

IDK I wrote a 'prototype' chapter last night, so I'm gonna put this to you. I assume/hope you're an avid reader and I can gauge the public consensus, but also I want ALL my readers to be happy!!

So here, read this and then tell me if you still find the idea "Squicky".

That goes for anyone else! Maybe I should put my tag list in here....

The way I wrote him though anon, I truly feel in my heart that it's not RPF, because like I said RPF freaks me out as well.

Before you already go in skeptical, let me set up the plot I had planned. {As told to @madamsnape921 in an IM:

the thing was gonna start that someone sees Rafael proposing to the reader, and tells a tabloid that Raul Esparza is engaged to some rando. Because they think that it was him. And then Rafa, the reader and Chloe start to discuss on how either it's a multiverse thing, or a doppelganger thing because it turns out that Rafael and Raúl are very similar, like personality traits and the Broadway dream, except that Raul's childhood was basically the opposite of Rafael's so Chloe THINKS that Raul is Rafael from a "multiverse".

Right and then Raul goes to Rafael's office to confront him and then the reader and Chloe are there to take Rafael out to lunch and they're like holy shit!

And Rafael is super uncomfortable with the idea of the reader EVER being in a show with Raul because obviously they're like the same person and Raul probably has more in common with her

Oh and also Raul is five years younger, and thinner. So then Raul's like you shouldn't listen to him, I could really help you with your career.

Annnnd that's all I have so far.

Okay so read this really and tell me you honest opinion.

Screw it putting the tag list:

Tag List

@madamsnape921

@lolliepopsicle

@chasingeverybreakingwave

@milkshqke

@wanniiieeee

@word-scribbless

@gibbs274

@sassyada

@aprildecker-blog

@bookishfanfic

@stars-in-the-skies-world

@stars-trash-18

@omgsuperstarg

You were walking towards the exit of Central Park hand in hand with your now fiancee, when all of a sudden two giggling girls came running up to you.

“Oh my god!!!!! Raul we didn’t know you had a girlfriend!” One of them started squealing.

“Fiancee,” He corrected. “Wait I’m sorry, what? Did you just call me Raul?”

“Uh...yeah, duh,” One of the girls made a face. “Raul Esparza?”

“What?” You bursted out laughing. “I’m sorry, you think he’s Raul Esparza?”

“Um, we know he is,” The other one crossed her arms.

“Um, no he isn’t!” You wrapped your arm around Rafael protectively, as if the two girls were going to kidnap him or something.

“I can promise you ladies, I am not-- whoever you just said,” Rafael assured them.

“Why are you doing this? Are you trying not to embarrass your lady friend here?” One of the girls made a weird face at you.

“Wha? No--” Rafael tried to defend himself but the girls were already clearly ticked off.

“Wow, I have heard of actors trying to get away from fans but completely pretending to be another person, that’s pretty low Raul,” One of them glared at Rafael.

“Yeah, it wouldn’t have taken you much effort to just take a selfie with us,” The other one added with a scowl.

“I...um--” He looked to you for help, but you just shrugged. You had no idea how to handle such a weird situation.

“I guess we can take one--” He offered.

“Oh no, forget it now,” One girl scoffed.

“Yeah, jerk!” The other one stomped her foot and they both sauntered away angrily.

-----------

“...What the hell was that?” Rafael looked at you in utter confusion and disbelief, you just gave him a “wtf” smile.

“I have no idea baby--”

“Oh my god, are you guys ok?” Chloe suddenly came running up behind you. “What the hell did those teeny boppers want? To rob you with water guns or something?”

“No they-- they wanted a selfie?” Rafael was still confused, trying to figure out what just happened.

“A selfie? With you?” Chloe snorted.

“No-- With Raul Esparza,” You looked at her with a confused smile. It was pretty entertaining to think that your fiance looked like a Broadway star.

“I don’t get it, you said that I didn’t even look like him!” Rafael looked at you.

“I mean I said I didn’t see it, and that you were more handsome,”

“....Yeah well you might wanna rethink that answer babe,” Chloe’s eyes were wide as she handed you her phone. She had googled RAUL ESPARZA, and the images that popped up were-- Rafael’s face.

“Oh my God…” You whispered, showing Rafael the phone. He quickly pulled out his own and started searching for himself. You handed Chloe back her phone and did the same. Pages and pages of articles about Raul Esparza’s shows, and accelaides, and all with Rafael's face plastered all over them.

“He’s….me,” Rafael whispered in horror.

“He looks more like you than you do!” You teased, he looked at you with a very serious face. Clearly he was not ready to joke about this yet.

“Holy shit. This is some multiverse shit,” Chloe muttered as she went through her Google search.

“Excuse me?” You asked her.

“You know, the multiverse theory? There’s an infinite amount of universes in every decision anyone ever makes.”

“Meaning…?” Rafael asked.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Chloe raised an eyebrow. “Raul could be Rafael, if he hadn’t given up on his Broadway dream,”

“Oh my god,” Rafael started laughing. “Chloe, did you get loaded in the park or something?”

“Oh okay, so you have a better idea, big brain lawyer?” She crossed her arms.

“He might not, but I do,” You piped up, showing her your phone.

“Doppelgangers?” Chloe read with a face.

“Yes, it’s a fact that there are 5 people in the world with the EXACT same face,” You continued reading.

“And he just happens to live in New York, where Rafael lives? AND is on Broadway, the one thing Rafael gave up?”

“Look sure it’s a million to one shot that those events would line up, but what’s more plausible: Doppelganger or ‘Multiverse’?” You looked at Chloe, who looked at Rafael, so you turned to Rafael as well.

“...Wha--are you asking me?” He asked.

“I mean it is your face,” You shrugged. “What do you think, baby?”

“I’m leaning towards a doppelganger, sorry Chloe,” He shrugged as well.

“Yeah well, you’re probably right,” Chloe nodded as she read her own phone, still on Raul Esparza info. “Most likely because he’s five years YOUNGER than you,”

“WHAT?!” Rafael grabbed her phone; as he read it, his face fell. “Oh God, no…”

“Wha--What does it matter how old he is, Rafa?” You furrowed your brows.

“Or the fact that he’s clearly thinner and more attractive,” Chloe added with a smirk.

“CHLOE,” You scolded her. “What the ever loving fuck?”

“Well, I’m just saying-- Look at them side by side,” Chloe had a photo of Rafael from some mayor’s ball next to Raul Esparza at the Tonys, both in tuxedo’s. You wouldn’t admit to Rafael but Raul was definitely thinner, and...he looked a lot younger. It was probably Botox or something you were sure, but still….

“Okay but again WHY does it matter--?” You wanted to change the subject.

“Are you kidding me? Y/N-- This is what you want to do!” He gestured to Chloe’s phone.

“....I don’t want Raul--” You started.

“No, you want to be on Broadway though!! And, and what if someday, God forbid, you end up in a show with this guy? He clearly already has a leg up on me compatibility wise, and as Chloe so kindly pointed out, a leg up on me age and attractiveness wise, and--” Rafael started ranting and rambling, talking lightening fast, as he did when he got upset or excited.

“Whoa whoa whoa whoa, back up there counselor,” You put up a hand to his face. “Are you actually insinuating that if I worked with Raul Esparza, that I would magically fall in love with him?”

“Don’t say it like that,” Rafael was triggered by the mention of magic and love.

“Okay but I’m not even saying ‘magic’ magic, I’m just saying-- What do you think because he’s an actor, and younger than you I’m just going to think I’m better off with him? Just because he has your face?” You gave him a small “oh honey” smile as you placed your hands on either of his face.

“No, but if you have to play his love interest, and you spend every day with him, it might blur the lines--” He started grumbling.

“Rafael, baby--” You shook his head in your hands. “I am still in SCHOOL. I am nowhere NEAR being in a Broadway show as a freaking techie, let alone a love interest starring opposite Raul Esparza,”

“Yeah, I mean this guy is huge-- 3 Tonys, 2 Emmys, an Oscar--” Chloe rattled off, but stopped when she realized you were glaring at her. “What? I’m helping!”

“...See? He’s far too famous for me,” You pressed your forehead to Rafael’s.

“Right, and I’m just the lowly ADA,” He muttered.

“Lowly my ass, Rafa,” You hit him playfully. “You are the most respected ADA in all of New York,”

“I’m the only ADA of New York,” He made a face.

“Not true! Just the city,” You beamed, proud of yourself you did some research once you had gotten together.

“My point is Rafael,” You now put your hands on his collar and pulled yourself into him. “You are all the acclaim I need,” You kissed him softly. “You’re my everything, I mean for fuck’s sake you just held a one man flash mob to propose to me! Let’s Raul Esparza do THAT,” You laughed, hoping to make him feel better. As his scowl melted into a smile, you knew you had succeeded.

“That was pretty romantic wasn’t it?” He beamed, proud of himself.

“It was EPIC,” Chloe chimed in, for good this time.

“Your voice is beautiful by the way,” You had forgotten in the midst of all of the romantic hubbub to compliment him. “I’m really sorry you had to give up Broadway,”

“Yeah, well-- apparently some part of me didn’t,” He gestured to his phone.

“Well he doesn’t have me,” You pointed out.

“He doesn’t know what he’s missing.” Rafael grinned as he pulled you into a deep kiss.

“Now can we please just forget about--” You hesitated, deciding not to mention his name again. “Anything else, and just focus on our engagement night?”

“Well, I suppose--” He nodded as he put an arm around you, and the three of you continued to walk through the park.

-------

Across town in a swanky New York Penthouse, an alert went off on Raul Esparza’s phone. He had it set to notify him any time his name appeared in a headline on the internet. He glanced over and picked it up, reading the notification. As he read it, his eyes widened and his face grew red. He stood up and yelled to no one in particular,

“Who the FUCK is trying to impersonate me?!”

[sorenfm]

           choi  san  .  cis  male  .  he / him  or  they / them  .  /  soren  shin  just  pulled  up  blasting  late  night  by  goldlink  ft.  masego  .  --  that  song  is  so  them  !  you  know  ,  for  a  twenty  four  year  old  socialite  and  illustrator  ,  i’ve  heard  they’re  really  -vexatious  ,  but  that  they  make  up  for  it  by  being  so  +  alluring  .  if  i  had  to  choose  three  things  to  describe  them  ,  i’d  probably  say  graphite  stained  hands  gripping  the  neck  of  a  bottle  of  remy  martin  louis  xiii  ,  gucci  sneakers  tapping  rhythmically  on  museum  floors  ,  and  unread  texts  and  unanswered  phone  calls  clogging  his  lockscreen  .  here’s  to  hopping  they  don’t  cause  too  much  trouble  !

           hmm  ,  yes  .  this  two  gif  thing  with  block  quotes  is  just  as  extra  as  i  was  hoping  it  would  be  🥰  .  that  being  said  ,  hi  babies  !  my  name’s  koa  (  pronounced  like  co - uh  )  ,  and  i’m  really  excited  to  be  here  !  my  pronouns  are  preferably  non - binary  ,  but  please  feel  free  to  use  she / her  as  well  .  i’m  not  going  to  get  upset  if  you  do  ,  promise  🥺  .  i’ve  been  dying  to  play  san  for  quite  some  time  ,  so  with  that  comes  the  birth  of  my  absolutely  vile  son  known  as  soren  !  he’s  like  ...  fresh  from  the  box  brand  new  so  i’m  working  out  kinks  and  stuff  ,  but  everything  mentioned  in  this  intro  is  pretty  much  set  in  stone  !  i  won’t  ramble  on  for  too  long  ,  but  i  can  share  my  discord  if  that’s  the  easiest  or  most  convenient  for  you  ,  but  i’m  also  down  to  plot  in  the  im’s  !

𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬  .

BIRTH  NAME  :  shin  jin - hyeok  .

PREFERRED  NAME  :  soren  shin  .

NICKNAME(S)  :  jinnie  (  by  his  mom  ,  only  )  .

BIRTHDATE  /  AGE  :  december  25th  ,  1996  /  23  .

ZODIAC  :  capricorn  .

HOMETOWN  :  atlanta  ,  georgia  .

GENDER  :  cis  male  .

NATIONALITY  :  korean  american  .

ETHNICITY  :  korean  .

HEIGHT  :  5′10″  .

LABEL(S)  :  the  artisan  ,  the  bellwether  ,  the  gregarious  ,  the  icarian ,  and  the  thespian  . 

ROMANTIC  ORIENTATION  :  biromantic  .

SEXUAL  ORIENTATION  :  bisexual  .

OCCUPATION  :  socialite  and  freelance  illustrator  .

LANGUAGES  SPOKEN  :  korean  ,  english  ,  and  conversational  spanish  .

POSITIVES  :  alluring  ,  veritable  ,  altruistic  ,  unconstrained  ,  and  urbane  .

NEGATIVES  :  domineering  ,  sardonic  ,  quick - tempered  ,  shallow  and  vexatious  .

𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐠𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝  .

it’s  nearly  impossible  to  think  about  the  atlanta  social  scene  without  the  shin  family  coming  to  mind  .  both  of  jin - hyeok’s  parents  did  not  come  from  money  ,  but  they  both  lived  comfortably  .  both  were  children  of  immigrants  from  south  korea  ,  and  that  is  what  caused  them  to  work  as  hard  as  they  did  .  woo - yong  and  eun - mi  met  one  another  when  they  were  both  accepted  into  the  same  culinary  school  ,  but  eun - mi  originally  had  no  interest  in  woo - yong  .  he  was  known  around  their  school  as  something  of  a  player  ,  and  for  the  longest  ,  she  always  shot  down  his  advances  .

eventually  ,  eun - mi  decided  to  go  on  one  date  with  him  ,  and  it  was  history  from  there  .  they  were  married  within  two  years  ,  and  they  eloped  at  the  city  of  atlanta  courthouse  and  their  honeymoon  consisted  of  getting  matching  tattoos  on  their  ring  fingers  because  they  couldn’t  afford  rings  at  that  time  .  the  couple  worked  hard  through  the  years  ,  and  they  eventually  opened  the  first  location  of  their  korean - american  fusion  brunch  restaurant  .  the  restaurant  opened  to  strong  success  ,  and  they  brought  in  over  a  million  in  profits  in  their  first  year  ,  which  turned  their  lives  for  the  better  .

the  day  they  went  to  finally  purchase  their  wedding  rings  was  the  day  eun - mi  told  woo - yong  that  they  were  having  a  lil  squish  .  said  lil  squish  came  seven  months  and  two  weeks  later  in  their  master  bathroom  tub  (  because  jin - hyeok  refused  to  be  in  there  to  full  term  )  and  it  was  the  happiest  day  of  their  lives  .  throughout  jin - hyeok’s  childhood  ,  the  couple  continued  to  pursue  their  restaurant  dreams  ,  and  opened  four  more  locations  in  buckhead  ,  sandy  springs  ,  morningside  ,  and  brookhaven  by  the  time  he  was  ten  .  

while  growing  up  ,  jin - hyeok  always  took  a  liking  to  his  creative  side  ,  and  it  was  mostly  due  to  his  parents  being  creatives  themselves  .  when  he  wasn’t  in  the  kitchen  with  them  ,  he  was  reading  webtoons  and  mangas  ,  which  sparked  his  own  interest  in  drawing  .  he  was  100%  self  taught  ,  and  used  to  spend  hours  watching  videos  on  how  to  do  do  certain  things  .  by  the  time  he  started  posting  his  art  on  the  new  platform  that  was  instagram  ,  jin - hyeok  had  begun  going  by  the  name  of  soren  shin  since  he  kept  his  art  mostly  to  himself  at  the  time  .  to  get  an  idea  of  what  his  art  looks  like  ,  check  out  my  favorite  artist  laia  lopez  on  instagram  !

he  went  to  the  coveted  scad  (  savannah  college  of  art  and  design  )  where  he  studied  fine  arts  .  he  graduated  in  the  spring  of  2018  , and  he  continued  posting  his  art  on  instagram  before  he  was  approached  by  a  publishing  company  to  create  a  book  of  his  own  art  !  he’s  released  a  few  of  them  leading  into  this  year  ,  and  has  drawn  the  illustrations  for  a  few  graphic  novels  throughout  the  years  .  moved  to  los  angeles  for  the  big  dreamz  but  in  reality  he  doesn’t  do  a  damn  thing  but  post  on  his  personal  account  and  go  to  fashion  shows  .  he  still  does  art  and  everything  ,  but  his  life  as  a  socialite  is  more  prominent  for  him  at  the  time  .

𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬  .

baby  is  an  artist  !  despite  him  having  no  interest  to  hold  down  a  day  job ,  he  mainly  focuses on  his  art  throughout  the  day  .  he  definitely  doesn’t  like  to  be  interrupted  when  he’s  drawing  so  if  he  answers  the  door  with  an  attitude  ,  then  you  know  why  .

he  does  not  answer  the  phone  and  don’t  expect  him  to  !  he  will  intentionally  leave  you  on  read  and  watch  his  phone  ring  until  it  stops  .  really  ,  he  doesn’t  know  why  he  needs  a  phone  outside  of  social  media  ,  but  if  you  want  to  get  in  touch  ...  dm  him  .  he  might  answer  .

his  favorite  food  is  sushi  so  for  the  love  of  everything  that  is  holy  don’t  let  him  pick  where  to  eat  because  he’ll  say  sugarfish  or  nobu  every  single  time  .

he  wears  all  black  ,  but  like  ....  expensive  all  black  .  he  will  wear  his  berets  and  his  garrett  leight  glasses  and  his  cartier  bracelets  and  his  fancy  clothes  literally  every  day  .  don’t  ask  him  about  casual  clothes  .  they  don’t  exist  .  his  casual  is  a  silk  pajama  set  .

drives  a  white  audi  q7  and  lives  in  the  hollywood  hills  .

don’t  ask  him  to  go  on  a  date  because  he’ll  just  wanna  go  to  art  exhibits  ,  art  festivals  ,  and  museums  .  ya’ll  will  go  to  dinner  and  he’ll  talk  your  ear  off  about  it  ,  but  he’ll get  all  shy  and  rosy  cheeked  when  someone  asks  about  his  own  art  since  he  doesn’t  really  share  it  that  often  .

owns  every  piece  and  collection  of  the  fenty  beauty  line  .  curly  bangs  in  his  eyes  25 / 8  .

𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲  .

i’ve  pretty  much  said  everything  in  the  headcanons  ,  but  he’s  really  a  charmer  at  heart  but  he’ll  also  make  you  panic  .  since  he  doesn’t  answer  the  phone  people  tend  to  think  that  he’s  fallen  of  the  face  of  the  earth  or  god  forbid  he’s  gone  missing  ,  but  chances  are  he’s  in  his  house  ...  ignoring  you  lol  .  he’s  really  about  his  looks  and  won’t  leave  the  house  without  making  sure  that  he  looks  impeccable  ,  and  he  will  go  home  if  he  feels  ugly  .  he  can  be  really  sarcastic  and  it  doesn’t  take  much  but  a  couple  of  words  to  put  him  into  a  sour  mood  ,  so  he’s  a  real  testy  one  .  above  all  else  ,  though  ,  he  really  likes  to  have  fun  and  he’s  really  social  so  please  come  join  him  at  his  house  for  some  reality  show  viewing  with  wine  and  junk  food  .

𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐫𝐞𝐝  𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩𝐬  .

idk  why  i’m  envisioning  this  ,  but  someone  he  drew  inspo  from  for  the  manga  he’s  working  on  .  they  could  either  m  ,  nb  ,  or  female  of  course  and  it’s  more  so  based  on  their  looks  than  anything  else  ,  but  he’s  always  going  to  them  and  wanting  to  show  the  progress  he’s  making  !

i’d  die  if  he  had  an  angsty  ex  boyfriend  kinda  thing  because  honestly  👀  i  wanna  have  my  wig  snatched  thank  u  .

a  best  friend  !  

someone  that  tries  to  make  him  workout  but  in  reality  he’s  sitting  and  eating  a  bagel  on  the  weight  bench  .

some  generic  tingz  like  neighbors  ,  friends  with  benefits  ,  confidant(s)  ,  good  or  bad  influence  ,  one  night  stand(s)  ,  a  current  fling  ,  enemies  with  benefits  ,  and  frenemies  !!!

honestly  i’m  a  sl*t  for  angst  and  everything  that  comes  with  it  so  please  hand  it  over  or  i’ll  start  crying  .