#idk im depressed and i feel unwanted and useless

[toastedjeans]

i'm probably overreacting again, but i honestly don't really feel welcome here anymore. so if anyone sees this or cares, i'll be less active until probably end of february, and then i'll debate on leaving tumblr for good

if you want an elaboration it's in the tags

[thedivineelite]

breanna_talks_in_tags.gif

[fanmoose12]

I am not over it. I am SO not over IT. I read the SNK manga YEARS ago when it was only chapter 100 and one day I had the dumb idea to continue that shit. I am not PLEASED and Hanji's death UTTERLY WRECKED ME, someone who wasn't even a Hanji Stan!! reading the manga made me fall in love with her quiet determination, leadership skills, and sense of duty when before I was more of an Armin type of girl? She just. won me over. and her death was NOT OKAY. I CRIED while saying no no nO NOOO OH MY GOD -

and it TORE ME APART and she was the only person in my mind ever since and I couldn't read the manga in the same nonchalant way ever again. i'm sorry i promise im getting somewhere! it legit ruined my moods and made me so sad all the time IT WAS THAT BAD and i started hating eren with absolute passion. Idek where to start? How her death was pointless & nobody gave a fuck?? and Levi thought of FRICKING ERWIN instead of Hans & I wasnt even a Levihan shipper it doesnt make SENSE! He just LOST HANS

-- and all he can think about is FUCKING ERWIN. come on MAN, and she parented the 104th even REINER had more emotions than these mfers. Everyone is alive EXCEPT HER, like onyakapon and even yelena, minor characters, it just feels so UNFAIR, i'm not mad abt death, i breathe angst like it was chocolate it was just so pointless and meaningless and no one even grieves, especially Levi who was closest to her. there was just no room for her in the plot anymore and thats what makes me pissed -

- not bc it was her time, but bc she ran out of uses to the plot and like in GOT where the character is smarter than the author. not only that, she was made so powerless and pathetic and she felt so useless and she died like that. where's the justice? the character arc? right she was there Just to Save Levi :// it's like that quote from gone girl - "the world will know that [man] threw his beloved wife like garbage, and she floated past down all the other abused, unwanted, INCONVENIENT, women"

(sorry for the fem pronouns, i'm all abt anime hange here). and its not like she wasnt a fan favorite, she's top 3 of the last character poll. just bc shes not levi and eren and armin. and cmon. yams had to nerf and minus 100 out of her iq for the INSANE plan of fucking zeke and the yeagerists, can you BELIEVE she trusted and was OUTSMARTED by ZEKE, who legit massacred the survey corps, even though SHE HAD THE SAME LEVEL OF IQ?? but noooo, plot reasons!! shes not eRwIn, what you expect 🙃

im upset, not bc my fav character died but bc it was meaningless (if falco can fly, why tf didnt he do that in the first place) and hollow in logic and in emotion. maybe snk's lesson to us is life is unfair and we should suck it up. it wasn't well earned & yams wrote hanji in a corner, like (again) in GOT where no matter what daenerys chose she was wrong. sorry i dumped all this to you!! if you're still here, thank you for listening to my month long pent up emotions, im still really sad about it

- and idk how to let go? but your writings have definitely made me feel better, it just comforts me like Levi to a bottle of bleach. thank you for still writing!!! about an anime girl in a fictional world and still delivering more emotion than the original author. my heart definitely feels better these days, though it still aches bc she deserves so much better & didnt deserve whatever the fuck she was given, thank you for championing hanji zoe rights! im 99% sure she wont be revived -

but she lives on in your writings and other fanfiction authors and artworks and i'm just so grateful we have a community like this, honestly im just glad you're here :) keep doing what you do and i hope you're safe and warm & healthy!! also to every hanji stans out there one fucking day when we love a character the author wont rip our hearts and throw it to the garbage, im so so sorry for my long long ask but if i could request maybe eren apologizing to hanji inpaths or when she got captured or

or when she died or you choose!! i saw this art by @siroyuki 2015 in twitter where he's hugging her and shit, you should check it out it gave me feels!! i just want her to be loved and appreciated :((( again thank you so much if you made it this far! im sorry if you're annoyed or smthn HHAHAHA i promise this is the last! thank you for your service to humanity we stan 💪😩👌💕💞 

ah don’t you let canon frustrate you, it doesn’t matter anyway :D like you saud, we still have fics and fanarts

however, yeah, i do kinda feel you :/ like the way yams keeps glossing over hange's death is actually a bit weird? like i know they're at war and i know that they have no time for grieving etc but the kids were literally bawling their eyes when hange died but no mention of her sacrifice at all after that? like in 136, gabi said that they should stop the rumbling to repay azumabito's kindness and that's ummmmmmm.... a little bit weird. sure, gabi is a little girl with no connection to hange but reiner, jean and connie were there, when gabi said that and they saw hange’s sacrifice, so why not say something like “yeah, we can’t let commander hange’s sacrifice go to waste?” like come on. what did azumabito do? let falco transform on the board of her ship, so now she travels on a boat? i don't think that can compare to hange's acts though. she literally brought these mfs who were ready to jump at each other's throat together and then she sacrificed her own life to give them yet another chance at success. a sacrifice that was proved to be utterly meaningless in the very next chapter? why did falco learn about his ability to fly only after hange died? why didn't he discover it upon first transformation? :/

oh, and speaking of hange's character arc? like i get it, she was depressed, she struggled with her role as a commander (even though she did everything she could and she did a damn good job at it). and i guess that this plotline was kinda resolved when she heard that erwin approved of her actions? and that's cool, if what we've seen was actually an afterlife and not hange's hallucination. because if it was indeed a product of her mind then that's, um, kinda depressing bro. hange was so desperate for someone's approval that she dreamed about it while literally dying. i just don't understand why yams didn't include a scene where kids tell her how much they respect her and what an honor it was to serve under her command or SOMETHING. but as it is, hange died, thinking she was weak and useless and, um, yeah, certainly not the end you want for your favorite character :)

so yeah, hange's death was kinda meaningless and pointless - it didn't serve the plot whatsoever + it could have been very easily avoided 

[frowningmoon]

haven’t been one here in awhile and I kinda missed it. I moved over the summer, new town but at least it close by. all my friends are gone basically. I know no one in this new town so its pretty lonely. I’ve barely been out much, considering we moved here late June. I like where I live the. my basement is really nice tbh. I'm proud at how homey I've managed to make it. although I want to put up things on the walls but in due time I guess. I've been rally depressed and anxious and bored and sad and lonely. not that id ever really admit it to anyone. I mean I like being alone but every once in a while the loneliness comes and it such. not just that but the feeling on being unwanted and unloved and just general badness. ive started taking initiatives to become better tho! I'm honestly pretty proud of me. I mean I do feel like I'm in autopilot or kinda like I'm not always in control, like I'm just going along with my brain and body. succumbing. I have this coach thing, they're meant to help me get back in life ig, like either get into the work force or back to school. and honestly I can't wait to go back to school. idk I feel so bored and useless and dumb. I just want to get my high school diploma and hopefully get into a uni outside of here. I wanna see the world ya know. oh I started my first antidepressants. toighnt will be night nr3. I'm feeling the side effects and like today I was just so hungry. I ve gained quite some weight these past few weeks. its gross, need to lose it. I really happy ive started antidepressants now. like ive been depressed on and off since I was about 12 I think, its been like almost 8 years now. about damn time. idk Im feeling kinda motivated I guess. I wanna start doing things that makes me happy like reading, writing, listening to music, singing, cooking, going on walks stuff like that. I guess we’ll see what happens. 

[xhuth]

lessee the rundown of warnings here.... nsfw, sex and sexuality talk, suicide, potential tmi, general depression and trauma thinkings

usually i post this stuff on my locked twitter but 1. i dont feel like writing out a dozen tweets on my phone and 2. i only have like 4 followers there so no one sees anyway and i dont get my Sweet Validation

but like i just realized how unaware i am of all the stuff going on around me, friends/people i know having sex and stuff and i know thats nothing to write home about or be like I CANT BELIEVE SEX IN HIGH SCHOOL, UNTHINKABLE but its just so weird to me, it floors me, because like... nothing of any kind of romantic or sexual nature has ever been relevant in my life, if that makes sense. and also the school got its existing ban from certain rooms in the college buildings reaffirmed once again because of Shenanigans going on there which my friends told me included students making out and fucking in the conference rooms or whatever and im just like... why?? how?? people are having sex?? people do this in the university buildings?? im not shocked out of like. Disrespecting the space (although it is disrespecting the space but if youre in private whatever) but just like... ive never been actually cognizant of/have considered people around me having sex at all let alone all over the fucking place.

anyway this is sounding dumb and makes no sense but its mostly about how like, im so baffled by it all because nothing of this nature has ever come up in my life... ive always been like yeah w/e idc about sex and relationships and all that but then thinking about it more i think about how, oh cool no one has had interest in me in any sense ever and neither have i in any person, i erroneously assumed (not even assumed but like...just didnt even think about?) everyone around me was the same lol. and then i get into thinking oh im never gonna love or be intimate with anybody

and then that gets into me questioning if me being a lesbian is just performative and that i should just Accept that im actually aroace and a fake gay because ive never loved anybody and ive never felt any type of sexual attraction or physical sexual urge (like being Horny lmao not just me thinking about it Sure Would Be Nice To Be With Someone)(and these thoughts are newish like from in the past year honestly, ive never really cared about relationships) and i just see how different everyone else is from me. but i dont want to be aroace! i dont want to not love anybody and i dont want to not be able to be or desire to be sexually intimate but i feel like im just lying to myself lmao. and the layers keep going on like “well you just arent used to accepting that” but i know thats not true because i am, i used to id as ace pretty proudly and even aroace for a short time lmao.

but what girl would ever love me anyway? and if she did, would i even love her back? i dont feel any type of love! i had a crush once in 7th grade and it was on a boy and it was totally unprompted and unwanted and i always go back to that in my mind, i have forgotten the feeling now but it adds to my anxiety about just being a Performative Lesbian and not a Real One who Loves Girls For Real and i know you can be a lesbian and still be attracted to men but i still feel fake. i dont want to love men, and i dont love men, and i dont want to ever be with a man. just a lot of internalized doubt and confusion about Who I Am. this is totally rambley and not making sense lol.

i WANT to be a lesbian, when i think about love between women its... the most beautiful thing i can imagine. and i want to feel that. but i feel like i wont ever, whether its from me not being able to or no one ever loving me, lol.  and then im continuously frustrated about how i cant get sexually aroused for shit, the closest i can get is feeling a little warm reading something hot or whatever. this is getting into tmi range lmaooo but its just so... i feel so hindered, i want to be able to feel things, feel SOMETHING, and i fucking cant, and im so desperate to have some kind of feeling, mentally or physically, i want to feel pleasure or just something thats not just fucking null. logically i suspect i cant feel anything is because trauma (which, i have accepted my experiences as trauma but im starting to doubt again lmao) and being on SSRIs but its so hard, if i worked past the trauma i would still be on medications that kill a libido i dont even know if i have.  and my medication now has been making me have fewer suicidal episodes and honestly i fucking hate it. i hate feeling so inbetween. i would rather be suicidal than this... stalemate where i dont feel better or worse and im still not able to work towards doing the things i need to do. i would rather be suicidal and useless than neutral and useless.  either way i cant do shit, might as well feel something and have some idea of what im gonna do if im like this!

i originally didnt intend to write this much but i did and if you read all of this im honestly so thankful, thanks for reading all my shit. im not...soliciting anyone to respond, dont respond if you dont want to, but i would like to talk about this with anyone else who might also want to talk about it. idk. sometimes its not clear whether people are seeking responses or do not want to be spoken to on vent posts so just clarifying im “feel free to reply” and by “feel free” i mean “if you had something to say it would mean so much to me for you to say it/speak to me about it”

[moon-peony]

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[katysthoughts]

its been a while since i posted on here i think. and quite a bit has happened. the day after i last posted (friday) i didnt go into school because moving was too painful and i was physically EXHAUSTED. i argued with my mum a lot that morning too and what she said still hasnt been removed from my memory. i wont go into detail but she as good as called me selfish and said that i dont want to get better because i dont make the effort. i dont really know what to say about that. but basically, i slept the ENTIRE day and it made me feel a bit better over all. i also finished your lie in april that night and wow i cried. over that weekend i watched an entire kdrama (16 episodes) and went through a whole wave of emotions. it was great though, 10/10 would recommend weightlifting fairy kim bok joo. monday hurt like a bitch and i basically had to care for a girl with alcohol poisoning when i could barely move my own limbs so that was fun. 👨‍👦 has gone back to practically bullying me even though he stopped for a few days. now if anything he has gotten worse with the constant asian jokes (which piss me the fuck off. he makes it out like i have a fucking asian fetish when no, i enjoy south east asian entertainment. thats all. i dont say "ill only date asian guys/girls" or "asia is the best" bla bla bla. i listen to kpop, watch kdrama and watch anime. is that a fucking crime? i was bullied all though primary school, and to this very day im hated on for my own interests that literally have nothing to do with other people. apparently its a crime to like things. and GOD FORBID i ever find somethign that ACTUALLY makes me happy. because whenever i do (kdrama/pop and anime) i get bullied the shit out of and made to feel like its a crime until im too scared to fucking like anything) that bracket was long im sorry. i had an art trip on wednesday which was shit, apart from the fact i spent the entire day with ☀️ and i feel like i got a lot closer to her than normal, and we were both really relaxed where as things seem to be forced and awkward in school. we really clicked and idk... she really seemed like a best friend then. like, really. and thursday 👨‍👦's shitty jokes got worse to the point i nearly fuckign cried and i remember the exact one thta did it. i was sat in the corner in the practice room, and 👨‍👦 was saying something about being depressed and shit. then he said something along the lines of (context: was previously talking about self harm)"... youll make me do what katy does" *me and 🐋 instantly snap our heads towards each other* "sit in the corner and listen to asian music" *me and zoe half sigh* "which is way more depressing than self harming" i. nearly. cried. i instantly pulled my shirt into my hand and started fiddling and jfc tried not to cry. like. why the FUCK???? would??? you??? say??? that??? especially about someone you knew has anxiety, depression and wants to kill herself. and he isnt even nearly close enough to make those sorts of jokes about me. how dare he. and what makes it worse is that ive been shing since i was 12 years old. ive stopped and started a lot and yaknow... i do it now. touchy subject mate. please dont make jokes about it. thursday was parents evening and basically all of my teachers just told me to revise revise revise. it was pretty boring apart from my mum FALLING IN LOVS WITH MY RE TEACHER. she flat out told me that yeah, im capable of an a-a* in re, and only achieved a b in my mock which was disappointing, but she told me it was because of me missing so many lessons because of my anxiety. AND THEN TOLD ME THAT MY MENTAL HEALTH COMES BEFORE EVERYTHIGN ELSE. SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE CARES MORE ABOUT MY MENTAL HEALTH THAN MY GRADES AND SAID THAT IF EVER I NEED A TIME OUT I CAN SIT IN HER OFFICE OR IN A CLASSROOM COMPLETELY ALONE, EVEN WITHOUT TEACHERS NS WHERE NO ONE WALKS PAST AND GET ON WITH STUFF IN THERE. SHE PROMISED SHE WILLL DO WHATEVER SHE CAN TO HELP AND SAID SHE HAS NEVER OFFERED THAT TO ANYONE EVER BEFORE. NO OTHER TEACHER GAVE A SHIT ABOUT MY MENTAL HEALTH BUT SHE WAS LOVELY AND I LOVE HER SO MUCH SHE IS MY FAVE WHAT AN ANGEL. but my mum fell in love with her and although the rest of parents evening (and that whole night) was pretty shit, that made me feel not useless and unwanted so yay! then friday wasnt too bad apart from drop down re day all afternoon but it was whatever. this morning was just weird bc i woke up to a man in my room fitting a sky box but whatever lmaoooooo. and today me and my mum watched loads of BTS videos, did bts quizzes and then went to watch fantastic beasts again bc we wanted yo do something together. i was incredibly anxious the whole way through and needed to pee, but the movie was still great 10/10. DID I MENTION I LOVE MY BEST FRIENDS?!?!?!?!?! I CHANGED MY PROFILE PICTURE ON FACEBOOK TODAY AND 🐋&🎏 COMMENTED AND WERE REALLY NICE AND I NEARLY CRIED WHAT DID I DO IN MY PAST LIFE TO DESERVE SUCH ANGELS AS MY BEST FRIENDS FFS I LOVE THEM SO MUCH JESUS. 🎏 also messaged me just saying "ur freaking gorgeous" AMD I STARTED TO TEAR UP FOR REAL WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO. IVE BEEN FEELING SHIT AND WANTIGN TO DIE AND SHE COMES ALONG JUST COMPLIMENTING ME AND OMG.... SHES THE KIND WHO COMPLIMENTS AND MEANS IT BC SHES HONEST. AND I LOVE HER SO MUCH. I MISS HER. I NEED TO MEET HER SOON OMGGGGGG 🎏🎏🎏 but yeah, idk what else to say... urm... i left a lot out bc its been a loooong week but yeah no one reads this anyway so whatever. bye~