#idk ill be thinking about them a lot these next few days im afraid. i just hope they didnt regret it at the end.

[widevibratobitch]

well shit

[hababa]

have been wrangling with anxiety and uncertainty and self-rejection around top surgery for the last few months but feel like i'm digesting these fears day by day and getting a bit more clear-headed about my decision. long elaboration to no one under the cut

im like 70% certain that i'm going to go through with double incision that i have scheduled for february 2024. sometimes i feel like i should wait a bit longer until i can afford or access non-flat/inverted T anchor/radical reduction (not worried about preserving nipple sensation but don't want to be unproportionately flat to my tummy and hips. god im so jealous of cis men and their stupid sexy little man boobs. i want just a liiiiiiittle fat left there, just enough to still look male). my surgeon said he would leave a little bit of tissue there but his other results i've seen online seem to be really flat, like prepubescent cis boy levels of flat, and i dont think that will match my body well cause i'm not skinny. there doesnt really seem to be a lot of surgeons that can do non-flat top surgery for NB folk around the UK/europe and i dont want to wait three or four more years before i can afford it in america or access it with nthanos, the idea of having boobs like this another few years sounds like hell. especially considering i would be giving up the option to have DI in the next few months (i anticipate if i cancel i will feel very depressed afterwards), and especially the more my body masculinises on testo. im also worried about my breasts growing bigger than i want which they might do w methods that preserve the nipple stalk - they won't with DI. compared to the pre-op chests i've seen of people who got inverted T, my boobs are really big and saggy so i also worry that if i do get to that point where I can access inverted T they won't be able to operate on my big fat fucking boobies lol. my nipples are super low down so idk if they'll even be able to preserve the stalks and achieve a masculine chest. idk idk.

i'm able to name now that i'm reckoning with a fear of losing control. i can't control the chest that my surgeon will construct while i'm under anaesthesia. i can't control how my body will look post-op (though i can imagine and suggest to him what I want), can't control if i'll like my new figure (though i can estimate that my self-image will improve overall? it'll be a huge adjustment...). i can't control if 10 years down the line i will have regretted transitioning (and my inner transphobe has a lot to say about that..) . it feels really frightening at times. the way i see myself and others see me is going to change permanently. i worry of my dysphoria travelling south to my hips and bum once the attention is away from my boobs. my fear speaks with the tongue of a facist and tells me that my body is going to look weird and ugly. and when i'm tired and i havent taken deep breathes for a while, it just goes on and on and on and on like that...

i think strangely i'm still a little in denial about being trans. i've been having trans feelings and gender dysphoria since i was like 16 (8 years wtf!!!) and even though it ebbs and flows - some days i can leave the house braless in a t shirt and ignore the dysphoria, some days i can't even look at my chest without wanting to rip them right off me - it's always there. denying it or feeling it deeply, i am having a very trans experience of life rn. i only started tangibly transitioning a few months ago this year w starting testo, changing my name and coming out. i've spent so much time denying and suppressing my transness because i was afraid about what other people thought of me. makes sense to me that i have internalised that ignorant, judgemental voice. it served to protect me for a long time, to tell myself "don't bother, you'll be a freak, you're not trans youre traumatised / mentally ill, you're throwing your life away, people will judge you, you will not be safe."

if i take a moment to distract myself, not think about it, relax, then come back to it, contextualise it, and ground these worries back down to reality, i feel more certain in wanting top surgery. i wore a binder for the first time in a while today (i can't bind very often because of neck/shoulder/back pain - a motive in itself for surgery) and was reminded that i really like how my figure looks flat, and that i can't get flat enough from binding. i tried living as a masculine woman for a long time and it felt like part of me was withering away in secret. though i can't really picture what i'll look like in the future (an... androgynous, dykeish, effeminate man? lol), the idea that these boobs will stay on my body until the day i die does feel unreal to me, makes me feel sad and frantic like i've got to get out of my body. once i get top surgery i think i'll be able to experiment with my style more because i won't have to exclusively wear dark colours to hide the shape of my chest. i'll be able to work out with more ease. my back pain and posture will improve. i wont have to be in this constant compromise between wanting to feel masc/good but having to deal with my huge boobies. i'll hope i'll feel more confident in my masculinity. i won't have to wear uncomfortable shit on my chest once i'm healed up. i think it'll take me some time to adjust to my new silhouette and i think i will feel a bit dysmorphic about the shape of my body BUT. i have spent a lot of time looking at other trans men/mascs top surgery results and i don't judge them nearly as hard as i judge myself - it gives me hope that i can become okay with looking trans. i like seeing the effect T has on me (minus the acne and the hair thinning lol), and often i'm attracted to other trans people FOR their transness. ultimately it helps me best to ask myself what i want, and right now I want to learn how to stop comparing myself to cis people and put more attention into celebrating trans bodies in all their delightful wonkiness. i have hope i can get to a neutral point with my body rather than scrutinising myself for not looking cis.

[blackvail22]

i talk here a bunch each day because i have no one else to talk to.

its sad, honestly.

i couldnt go to my counseling appointment, so i wont be able to see her again for another 2 weeks

thats nearly a month since ive seen her

im not doing very well so this isnt good at all lmao

idk how im going to make it another 2 weeks but all i can do is try ...

i think i start work again next week. im afraid of what has changed... probably not a lot. all i know is we have a new manager, and ive heard he's nice

i have a postop appt on tuesday for my tonsillectomy. finally i will have what my disease means explained to meeee. i keep thinking about it, and its been bothering me. i probably wont know if i have another surgery until after my next ct scan (they have to space them out so i dont get exposed to too much radiation and i had one less than a month ago) and idk when that is

im so bored. i have to be the problem

i really think i am

"my friends wont reach out" but when i reach out its super dry and they varely engage. maybe im seeing it in the wrong perspective. maybe my vision is skewed, and im seeing it in the wrong light.

maybe its because theyre busy

maybe at work

going to work

hanging out with other friends

going to hang out with other friends

i want to have a good friend group so bad but i feel like i cant have one

i feel like my only friend was em even though she used me. oh, i dont know if i ever told u the reason why we arent friends anymore

so, i dont have the best memory of the order everything happened, but ill do my best to sort it out

after spending a bunch of time together, we started to fade away. i would ask her if she wanted to spend the night, she would hesitate for a good 30 minutes, talk to her mom, and then say "sure". sometimes she wouldnt wait until we ate dinner (but a good amount of times she did) until shed say "oh i forgot something at home" or "my stomach hurts" and id walk to her house with her (except the times when she'd tell me not to).

when i walked with her, she would always say "ill be right back" and then shed be gone for 10 minutes and her mom would come out and be like "hey... she doesnt feel well so she's going to say home". and each time i would walk home crying. at this point, she was already blowing me off, not talking to me, and overall being rude, but i still went back to her every time.

this rare occasion was in early september of 2017. we only hung out, and then she said she had someone else shes hanging w at her house. she had become friends with people that hated my sister as well as a girl that honestly no one knows. em started to become them... like literally she became a copy of them. the whole group of girls would tell her that my sister is a fat, ugly whore. they fed her all of this, and they would talk and call my sister names and generally talk shit about her

a few days after i heard abt this, i saw things from em that she was having a hard time. i was outside doing yard work, and she was walking by. i said "hey, i hope you feel better" and she yelled "fuck you" at me while, again, giving me the finger.

i dont know what i did, but that was the last time in years that we would talk to each other. we would be "friends" on the bus the few days she went to school sophomore year...

now, though? i dont exist to her. i saw her at my work TWICE this past year, once being on my recent birthday, and she pretended she didnt know me. i look the same as i did before... this most recent time, she was with her boyfriend, one of the friends from '17 and her mom. as i greeted them, everyone looked over except her... her mom even did a double take.

she claims she doesnt know why our friendship went to shit when we were toxic to each other our whole friendship. it was never healthy.

she seems to be happy though, at least happier than me. shes pregnant again. im not sure of the gender, but i think its going to be a boy. she's always wanted to be a mom, so i hope shes a good one.

[flirting-with-psychology]

Has the person you like ever seen you in your pajamas? Yes

Did the last person you kissed celebrate your last birthday with you? He was celebrating thanksgiving with his parents during my birthday but he called me

What’s the first word of the last text message you received? I

Do you think you’ve changed at all over the past year? I’ve gotten more anxiety and gotten fatter

Is there a song that reminds you of your ex? Do you still listen to that song? I Almost Do, Red, and If This Was A Movie (all by taylor swift). Yes I still listen

Did you tag anyone in your last Facebook status? Not in the post I shared, but in my last original post I tagged my boyfriend

How do you behave when you’re drunk? Usually giggly and overexcited

What is your least favorite type of chocolate? White chocolate

When was the last time you felt disappointed? What was the reason? Disappointed that the gym won’t let me cancel over the phone and might still charge me for february

Is there someone that can make you smile, even when you feel like crying? Not always

Is there a certain person on your mind right now? Tell me about him/her. My boyfriend

You’re getting ready to go to bed, and the last person you kissed shows up, what do you do? Get into bed with him

What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? Being annoyed at my dad’s snoring through the walls

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Maybe

Are you okay right now? I haven’t been okay this whole year

What time did you get up today? Like 1:30

When was the last time you saw your mom? The other day

What is the last thing you drank today? Water

Do you dislike/hate anyone? Donald trump and Mitch McConnell

Where is your best friend right now? At home I assume

When will your next kiss be? As soon as we get negative test results

Will you be up before 7 am tomorrow? No

Does anyone completely understand you? No

Who was the last girl you hugged outside of family? I don’t remember, it’s been a long time

Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? No

What will you be doing in 3 hours? Probably wasting time

How often do you straighten your hair? Never now, I used to when it was short

What are you currently looking forward to? The costume sale that hopefully I will be able to go to

Is tomorrow gonna be a good day? What are you going to do? Lol probably not

Who did you last hang out with? My dad

Did anyone see your last kiss? No

Could things possibly get any better? I fucking hope so

Do you know who you’ll even kiss next? I assume it will be my boyfriend

Do you ever sleep in jeans? No, that sounds really uncomfortable

Name something you dislike about the day you’re having? Stress

Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night? No

Are you in love lately? Not sure

How often do you see your ex? Rarely

Who was the last person to text you? My boyfriend

Did you like anyone last summer? Yes, my boyfriend

Do you replay things that have happened in your head? Yeah

Who was the last person you stayed up with till 2am? My boyfriend

Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend? I enjoy having one

Are you currently in a relationship? Yes

Do you use a full length mirror daily? Most days

Would you be shocked if the person you have feelings for texted you? No

Is there anyone you wish you could fix things with? I would like to reconnect with my friend Shaina

What are you planning on doing after this? Idk

Is there a girl you would do anything for? No

Who IMed you on facebook last? My mom

How old are you? 26

Do you love dogs? Yes

Were you finished childhood and teens when Harry Potter movies came out? No, they started coming out when I was in elementary school

Did you keep all your VHS tapes? Probably

Do you think Jack Nicholson is a good actor? Yeah I think so

Have you ever watched an episode of “The Honeymooners”? No

Have you ever owned a pair of high-top Converse? No

Do you have rain boots with a cute pattern on them? I have cowboy rainboots

Would you rather eat an apple or an orange right now? Apple

Would you rather do a cartwheel on land or a backflip in water? If I could do either of them, a backflip in water would be cool

Have you ever performed on stage in front of people? Yes

Were you kinda scared of the goths in high school? Not scared, just didn’t have anything in common with them

What size is your mattress?(single,twin,double,queen,king) Full size

Do you eat foods from all 4 food groups everyday? Lol no

Do you sleep in PJs? Yes

Do you prefer watching TV or listening to music? Watching TV. Listening for music needs to be accompanied by another activity

Would you rather watch a movie in theatre or at home? Theater is fun, but right now at home

Do you prefer brown or white rice? White

Do you like spaghetti? I love spaghetti

What about lasagna? No, I don’t like red sauce

Do you celebrate Christmas? No

Is your Thanksgiving celebrated in October too? Who does that?

Do you like chocolate bars? Yes

what about ice cream? Mostly, although sometimes the plain flavors are boring

Have you ever been stung by anything? What was it? Wasps a few times

Do you get tired easily? Only in the morning

Or do you always have plenty of energy to spare? No

Have you ever done volunteer work? Where? I volunteered as a teaching assistant What about court-ordered community service? No

Have you ever worn contacts?(even just to try them out) I tried but it made my vision all swimmy

Would you wear contacts on a daily basis? Maybe if I got some that worked

Are your ears pierced? How many times? One on each ear

Do you have GOD-GIVEN(not dyed) natural brown hair too? I have natural brown hair but I don’t believe it’s god-given

Or were you born blonde? No

Have you found a gray hair on your head or body before? I don’t think so. Both of my parents kept their hair color for awhile so hopefully I got that gene

Have you ever had any suspicious moles removed? Yes, on my arm

Have you ever been screened for STDs? Yes

Are all your wisdom teeth pulled? Yes

Did you have your tonsils taken out? No

Did you have your appendix taken out? No

How many kidneys do you have?(have you donated one?) I have both of them

Would you(to save someone)?^^^ I'm not sure. If it was someone I loved and there wasn’t one already on hand, maybe

Have you ever found a bug or slug in your salad? ewww no

Do you like Harry Potter? Yes

What about Twilight? It was ok, I liked it at the time I read it How do you feel about Lord of the rings? I like the movies

Are you going to see ‘The Hobbit’ when it comes out? I did

Do you have a glass that says 'Molson Canadian’ on it? No

Do you have any collector’s glasses or cups or mugs? I have a bunch of shotglasses from places I visit

Would you rather have a white fridge or a black fridge or a stainless steel fridge? Stainless steel

What size shoe do you wear? 7.5-8 womens

Do you have a wide foot or a narrow foot or just average? Kind of dorito-shaped, so some shoe types just don’t fit

Do you bite your nails when you’re stressed? No

Do you have to take an allergy pill daily in order to live normally? No

Are you on the birth control pill? No

Or are you trying to get pregnant? I’m trying not to get pregnant, but I use condoms instead

You’d rather wear black sneakers or sneakers in a bright color or pattern? Probably bright color

Has anyone ever told you they were attracted to you? Yes

Can you swim well in water way above your head? Decently

Are you afraid of thunder & lightening? No

Have you ever experienced an earthquake? No

What about a tornado? No

Are you closer to your dad?(more so than your mom) I’m probably a little closer to my mom

Were you your parents’ first born? Yes

Do you have a child? Is the father still with you? No

Did you trade stickers at recess when you were a kid? No

How old were you when you had your first crush? Do you remember their name? I was like 5 the first time I put a word to it and his name was Aidan, but I probably had sort-of crushes even before that

Can you even remember what the hell they looked like? Blond, bowl-cut at the time. He actually grew up to be really hot so I guess I knew how to pick em

Have you ever operated any type of motorized vehicle before? A car

Are you going to drink alcohol tonight? Maybe

Have you ever heard of the Canadian kids show called “Mr. Dressup”? No

What about the kids show “Fred Penner’s Place”? No

Did you hate Sesame Street when you were little too? A little

Were you born perfectly healthy or with some(or a lot) of health issues? I might have had some minor things

Do you collect DVDs? Not as a collection, but I buy movies I like a lot

Do you download music? Yes

Or do you still go to stores and buy CDs? No, those are like twice as much

Did you skip(jumo-rope) a lot as a kid? No, I was bad at it

Did you ever catch any bugs or insects with your friends as a kid? Only roly polies

Didn’t you just LOVE art class in elementary school?! Yeah

Have you ever played dodgeball? Yes but not well

What about Red Rover? No

Have you ever played “What time is it mr. wolf?”? It sounds familiar but I don’t remember it

Do you hate your weight? Yes

Have you ever struggled with a mental illness? A little

Serious question, peanut butter or nutella? Peanut butter for a sandwich, nutella for eating straight out of the jar

Have you ever stepped on a snail? No

Do you prefer baked potatoes or mashed potatoes? Mashed

Do you prefer ankle socks over regular socks? Ankle socks

Last movie you’ve seen in theaters? I can’t remember

What is your oldest sibling’s middle name? I don’t have one

Have you ever been to Disneyland or Disney World? Both

Would you ever go backpacking across any country? Probably not

Would you prefer to travel around the world by yourself or with a friend? With a friend

Do you like breadsticks? Yes

Do you usually wear shorts around your house all year long? No, but I do wear short sleeves year round

What state were you born in? Colorado

Have you ever had a nose bleed? All the time

How far away do you live from your birthplace? Like 15 minutes

Do you have a weak stomach? No

Do you know anybody who has been diagnosed with cancer? Yes

Have you ever had to take care of an intoxicated person? Yes

Have you ever considered becoming a lawyer? Slightly but not really

Do you *really* like donuts? Yes

Do you think Disney World could ever get old? At some point

If you could, would you hookup with the last person you texted? Yes

What are your favorite things to spend money on? Jewelry and nerd stuff

Will you talk to the person you like on the phone tonight? I am talking to him right now

What do you usually order on a pizza? No sauce, cheese, garlic, pinapple Do you and your boyfriend/girlfriend fight a lot? Not really

Who’s the first person with the letter “m” in your contacts? Mac

Which would you rather have a new puppy or kitten? Kitten

How old will you be on your next birthday? 27 yikes

What color are your underwear? Turquoise

Do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people? If it’s messy

[ajokeformur-ray]

hi can i get a joker matchup please? i’m 5’4,have brown eyes,purple hair,and i’m hispanic. i’m slim thicc😂i love to read and write,i mostly write poetry and i sometimes try at actual stories. i’m the type of girl to wake my s/o up at 3am for a random road trip or even to just go to a park. i’m very clingy and love cuddles. i have ptsd (from r***), mdd, and bpd (which makes it really hard for me to trust people and keep stable relationships). i also have self harm scars. idk what else to say lol

this is the purple haired nonny that j sent a matchup request,i just have a few things to add lol.i’m hella goth,i dress in all black and i’m overall just a dark person.i have my lip,septum,and nostril pierced(i plan on getting way more).i have glasses and i’m practically legally blind w/o them on.i have a really bad rbf,which intimidates ppl(my piercings and style aren’t any help with that lmao)&it kinda makes me sad that it does because i’m actually really friendly and sweet. okay im done lol

You asked me about this a few times and I just wanted to say thank you for being so patient with me - I’ve had your matchup since March 😭 as an extra thank you, and as an apology, I made this as long as I possibly could! I hope that it ends up being worth the wait, darling.💕 I worked on this for about a week, so I hope you enjoy it!

Total wc: 3, 387 ✨✨✨

Arthur // wc: 1, 647.

There’s a four inch height difference between yourself and Arthur and he adores it. It’s not that the fact that you’re shorter than him means that you need to be protected, but even so, he can’t stop himself fully from wanting to protect you even more. Your brown eyes are arguably Arthur’s favourite thing about you, if he had to pick just one (really, he loves all of you for exactly who you are and he wouldn’t change a single thing about you!), because they’re so different to his. When he’s in the middle of a laughing attack or when he just can’t think straight, Arthur likes to cup your face in his hands while he looks into your eyes. “Perfect,” he murmurs, so quietly that you’re not even entirely sure that you were supposed to hear him. You were stood so close to him, though, that you did hear him and it only made your face heat up in embarrassment. Your purple hair is something that Arthur cherishes. In a city of grey buildings, grey concrete, grey suits and dull colours, all too telling of a dying city, your hair is vibrant and it stands out, it makes a statement and Arthur wishes that he had that same level of confidence and bravery. He tells himself that if he spends enough time in your company, then maybe some of that confidence will become his, too. Anything which is important to you is, by default, important to Arthur, and he would soak up anything about your culture that you want to share with him like he’s a sponge. Injustice infuriates Arthur and if anyone ever said anything even slightly offensive to you or about you, then Arthur would be rightfully indignant and he can, will, and has taken a few punches to defend your honour. Arthur loves all of you and he wouldn’t have you any other way, and if ever you became insecure about any part of you, physical or otherwise, then Arthur would be right there with cuddles and all the words you need to hear the most! You’re creative and quiet evenings are spent with the two of you spending time together separately. You would be sat on the worn sofa, with a spring digging into you from somewhere, writing a story or creating poetry, and Arthur would be sat at the small coffee table. The room would be filled with a quietly playing film on the old television, and the sounds of your scribbling and Arthur’s own squeakier pen. Arthur wouldn’t ever ask you, he’s too shy and too afraid of rejection, but he’d love to read the things which you’ve written and he’d put on personal shows for you, too, so that he can practice his comedy, and he might even ask you to help him with his material!

For one reason or another, Arthur has insomnia and most often is he awake at all hours of the night, only able to grab a scant handful of hours of sleep before he’s woken up by his own body. He also likes to go on late night walks, especially after Penny dies, and your spontaneous tendencies to go to the park at 3 AM would be perfect here; because when you wake up, wanting to go on an adventure, Arthur already has his worn and faded mustard yellow jacket on, shoes by the door and a knowing but weary and exhausted smile on his face. “Let’s go, darling,” Arthur would light up a cigarette, exhaling and running a hand through his hair, “Before it starts to get light.”. Arthur adores these night time adventures and he is always, in one way or another, touching you. Whether it’s cuddling on the sofa when he’s watching The Murray Franklin Show (you’re too busy watching him to be fussed about someone who’s entire comedic theme is humiliating other people for the sake of a laugh from a bought and paid for audience), or holding Arthur close to you when he’s shivering after you found him in the fridge at three in the morning, or an arm wrapped around your waist when you’re on the way home from Pogo’s, or even just a grounding touch, you are always touching one another in one way or another. Both of you have your struggles and challenges and it’s not an easy relationship to begin with, but there is so much love between you and that’s what really keeps the two of you together. Arthur is no stranger when it comes to mental illness and if he ever had any questions, he would either ask you directly or he would bring it up during his next appointment with Doctor Kane. As far as finding it difficult to trust people Arthur always understands and he would do everything that he could, as well as you doing everything that you could, to coax and to ease each other into the connection which is so obviously there. The first time you showed him your self harm scars, he cooed softly in shared pain and in understanding and in love and he lavished kisses all over the scars, a single shaky index finger gently rubbing in his kisses, as if the love he has for you would seep into the pores of your skin and heal you from the inside out… he’s not far wrong. Again, and this is very important, Arthur loves you for all of you, and there’s nothing you could ever say or do which would make Arthur love you any less or be any less proud of you.

 Arthur really admires your style. Everyone in Gotham follows the crowd. They don’t ever deviate for fear of ridicule or similar and as such, your own bravery in being who you are and putting your outside on the inside is something which Arthur deeply admires and again does he feel that if he spends lots of time with you, some of your confidence and security in who you are as a person will rub off on him. In time will he discover just how right he is in that theory, though it will be in the worst of ways. You’re a dark person and Arthur gravitates towards that; it’s cathartic, for one, but also, for Arthur, there’s safety in your darkness because it’s yours. He adores how the dark colours you wear contrast so starkly with the bright and mismatched colours which he wears. You complete each other, he thinks, and he wants to know whether your piercings hurt. Why did you get them? Why those places? Did it hurt? How did it happen, what was the process of being pierced? Whether he rattles off those questions in an excited blur or finds out the answers over time all depends on how receptive you are to his curiosity, but he’d definitely be very curious and supportive. Arthur would really admire how comfortable you are in your own skin and he hopes for that for himself, one day. It’ll be sooner than either of you think and neither of you will be ready. You have glasses and Arthur only ever touches them if they’re left somewhere which is dodgy - for example, on the edge of the sink. He lets you put them down and take them off and he’s ready and willing always to give you a hand if you drop them, but otherwise he doesn’t interfere. He wouldn’t like it if you moved his things around, after all, though of course he wouldn’t say anything. Arthur is incredibly protective of you and there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for you. You’re his entire world and he’s so ready and willing to love you with everything that he has and everything that he is. The fact that you feel the same way about him only makes him want to cry. Sometimes he does, and you hold him close and you comfort him and he only cries more. Mutual comfort is something which is really common in your relationship and you both adore it and each other all the more for it. 

Arthur was definitely intimidated by you when he first saw you, but it wasn’t because of your resting face, your style or your piercings. It was just because that’s how Arthur is, so shy and so unsure of social interactions is he. He kept looking at you, intensely curious about you and wanting to talk to you, but in the end were you the one to approach him; you’re friendly and sweet and after that first awkward interaction, Arthur was very taken with you and he wanted to dive straight in to the oceans of your mind and to never resurface. Months later, that is still very much what he wishes to do with you, just as much as you want to dive into him! Arthur really does admire the way that you’re not afraid to be yourself, and he would tell you as such on your first meeting. “I… I re-really like your - your clothes. They look good on you.”. As the days turn to weeks and the weeks bleed into months, Arthur is no longer intimidated by you. He knows you, he sees you, he loves you. He loves all of you just as deeply as you love all of him and when you get sad by the way people assume about you, Arthur hums softly. “I know what that’s like. It hurts but… so long as the people who love you, like me,” He would smile sweetly, “Know who you are, then, that’s okay. You’re the best person in Gotham and you make everything worth it.”. Arthur loves you for all of you, and there’s nothing which you could ever say or do which would make him love you any less or be any less proud of you.

Joker // wc: 1, 740.

If you thought that Arthur used to be protective of you, then you’re in for a wild ride when he saunters home one night and, “it’s Joker now, darling!”. You don’t know what this is all about and you’re not sure how to take it, but there’s something familiar in those green oceans which you know and love so well. You stop and you look at Arthur and you realise that he’s the same man he’s always been. There’s just something about him which has always been so magnetic, so hypnotic and so specifically Arthur that you know you would recognise him anywhere. You’re not entirely supportive of who he is as Joker, because you want for him to still get the help and support which he so obviously needs, but you also know that you love him and that you will weather every storm with him, every storm for him, just as he always will for you. Your brown eyes bring Joker home to you every single day, just as they always have, and you come to sync up your hair dying routines: when you dye your hair purple, Joker dyes his green. You help each other out with this, bonding over your vivid colours, and as the green and the purple flecks merge and blend together in the ceramic sink, tinged yellow with age, Joker realises that he’s finally home; body, mind, heart and soul. You are his home. Joker is extremely protective of you, and where he used to take punches to defend you, now he gives them out, too, not giving people a chance to retract anything they say or do to you. You get what you fucking deserve, as he once so famously said, and it’s not unusual for you to have to tend to his injuries, just like you had to tend to his bruises when he used to take beatings, the poor man. You’re creative and so much of how you used to spend your days together remains to be the same; Joker wants to show you that he’s still the same man he’s always been, even after his mental break, but he just no longer cares about what the world may think of him. You still spend quiet evenings together, with you writing and Joker either reading his old battered brown journal or watching the news quietly. He does everything he can to show you that he’s still himself and you only love him deeper for who he is. In truth does Joker love you just as deeply. You’re his entire world and he makes sure that you know that.

Your spontaneous nature works perfectly with Joker; by now is he used to being up all hours of the night, to doing things just because he can, so when you wake up at 3 AM wanting to go for a walk somewhere, Joker’s probably coming in through the front door after a night of doing who knows what (you’ll find out in the morning, you’re sure, when you finally watch the news), and he’s ready to go out again when you are! You’re very clingy and you love to cuddle and Joker adores all the ways you love on him, just like you used to. Really, nothing much has changed in your relationship, apart from the fact that Arthur no longer cares. He’s so cuddly with you and even when he’s busy, he always has time for you. If he doesn’t, then he makes time for you; you’re always his number one priority. You always have been and you always will be. You’re his one and only and no matter what kind of mood he’s in, he welcomes your touches and he always wants more of them and of you. Sometimes Joker’s too pent up to be touched but he learns over the days and weeks to let you in, to let you help him, and really, he loves you too much to ever fully push you away. Even when everything in him is screaming at him to get up, to run, to get out, because his various mental illnesses are now untreated and who knows how that will show itself within him, Joker will remain still. He may be stiff in your hold but after a few moments, he’ll relax into you just like he always will. You have PTSD, as does Arthur, and he understands. By this stage in your relationship, Arthur knows exactly how to help you, how to support you and how to be there for you, and there’s still nothing that he wouldn’t do for you. It’s not always sunshine and rainbows, nothing ever is, and if it’s ever too good to be true, that’s because it is and you should run, dearheart, but time and again do the two of you fall back together because there is so much love between you. No matter how rough it gets, no matter how difficult things are for either of you, there is always love and that’s what matters most of all! You are almost always touching in one way or another, that is another thing which has never changed, and when you’re cuddling, Joker likes to press kisses to your self-harm scars; just like he always used to. To replace your marks of pain and suffering with marks of love and understanding is something which he still loves to do, and again and again do you look at Joker and you see him, just as you always have. You love each other so deeply and it is the saving grace when times are so rough that you wonder what the point of everything is. The point is each other and you remind each other of that fact every single day, so in love are the two of you that you don’t even have to try; you just are. The best things in life defy explanation.

Joker adores your style. You are so you and when he is out and about in the city he likes to look for things which he thinks you would like; he usually grabs them quickly and tucks them under his blazer. He can run fast and he is never worried about getting caught. One day that will catch up to him, but for now will he present you with gifts with a flourish fitting the clown he is and a proud smirk. He knows you so well. Even to this day, months later from the day he first met you, he really admires you and your courage to dress the way you most like to. And now, with Arthur out of his old high school clothes and into a brightly coloured, highly recognised suit, the two of you dress like stark opposites to each other if Joker goes out in public. When he goes out bare faced and in his older clothes, though, the two of you are still contrasted, especially because Arthur wears his bright yellow hoodie. This contrast only makes Joker stay close to you; you are different in some ways but for every difference is there a similarity and he clings to those as surely as he clings to your hand. Your hair means that you stand out in a crowd, but Joker loves that - he knows that you’re real and actually with him when people double take when you walk past them. Most of the souls in Gotham are apathetic to the things which go on around them so people barely notice your hair colour, but Joker cherishes the small reminders that you do exist. It makes him hold your hand a little tighter, his fingers interlocked with yours even as he smirks over at you. On Hallowe’en, he likes to ask you to do his makeup and you match on those nights and Joker loves to dance around in the streets with you, your piercings glinting in the soft orange glow given off by the street lights, people staring but the two of you uncaring… You have glasses and Joker still doesn’t touch them unless you have left them somewhere which could be dangerous, like the edge of the sink, but he also likes to tap upon one of the arms of your glasses by way of asking you to remove them so that he can see you. This is especially true if you’re crying, so he can wipe your tears away directly from the source, a soft smirk on his lips. Oh, how he loves you. There is nothing that he won’t do for you and that’s always been true and it will always be true.

When you’re out and about in the streets with Arthur and someone turns their shoulder so that you don’t walk into them, they’re either being polite or they’re intimidated by you. Sometimes you can shrug it off, always assuming the best in people, but when Joker can see that you have been upset by it, so intuitive is he and so well does he know you, he only grips  your hand tighter and he says something like, “it’s okay, I know who you are. That’s all that matters. People think they know me too, and,” He shrugs, smirking, but you can see the pain in his beautiful sea green eyes, “They don’t. But you do. And that’s enough for me.” the it has to be goes unspoken but you hear it anyway and you squeeze his hand by way of silent understanding. So much of what passes between the two of you is unspoken because you just know each other so well that you don’t even need to speak - you can see it in each other’s eyes. No matter what happens, no matter where you go or who you become, Joker loves you. You’re his everything; your love for him is the weapon against the world which he keeps locked and loaded, his finger on the trigger even though he knows that you’ll protect him so well that he doesn’t even need to bother to defend himself. He loves all of you for exactly who you are, just as you love all of him, and there’s nothing which the two of you wouldn’t do for each other. The best things defy explanation and, oh, not even Shakespeare himself could adequately describe the love which exists between the two of you. You’re written into the very fabric of the universe.

[wormssss]

so. basically. tl;dr i ffuucking hate school it sucks and it doesnt. do ANYTHING but make things worse . anyway.

the schooling system like. it sucks for me specifically in a few ways idk abt anyone else. for starters; neurodivergency literally at all makes it so hard to function in a classroom environment. its so loud? idk if anyone else gets that in their classrooms but you can hear my class of 23~ from the bottom floor of the 3 story building and that’s considered quiet. as well as like, i cannot function in a classroom without my friends? im out at school and like.... everyones.. transphobic obv why wouldnt they be, and its not in like a..any avoidable way. if i sit with the guys they’ll refuse to talk to me and deadname me all period adn if i sit with the girls theyll laugh at me every time i fucking breathe idk, but the school still thinks putting me in a classroom with kids that visibly hate me and see me as a CRINGE ENTERTAINMENT IRONY MACHINE is like a good idea? and a good way for me to make friends? i dont know if its my luck or if they’re deliberately doing it, but, next term for example i have drama and cooking as classes. two of my friends also have cooking ....but they dont have me in their class. they’re together. but im not in their class. im on my own because other than them and the girl who already did cooking these past two terms (so she cant do it next term) i have.... no other friends. so im definitely in a class of complete strangers! and the way they have this school, you have no choice but to work with someone else in a cooking class...... you are paired with someone in the same mini kitchen and its a disaster but i digress.

also, like. school goes for 6 hours. by the time you get home and get changed and get settled, its sunset so you can’t go out and do anything. you can’t go to the park or climb a tree. youre stuck inside. your family is like groggy from work or whatever and doesnt want to talk to you. you have no energy to get online and talk to your friends online. or theyre asleep. so basically at least for me i get... no time to actually talk to my friends, for example i havent had an actual conversation with piper in like... two months i swear. we’ve forgotten how to talk to eachother and that actually goes with all of my friends. by the weekend we’re still awkward because we havent spoken in months so we can’t really even talk. and because of this rigid like, routine you have to have to actually be able to go to school at all (wake up 7. eat. get dressed. go to school. come home. get changed. eat. shower. go to bed. repeat), i actually like.... find myself. forgetting Everything. i dont know what it is about strict routine where i cannot be myself (my school has a strict and ugly uniform), but it makes me ... completely forget everything slowly and my memory decays. my time blindness gets worse to the point where i dont know what month it is on a regular basis and like... i ditch a lot? because of this? maybe if the schedule didnt make me dissociate and forget everything i wouldnt ditch constantly and like. actually go to school. but like my attendance is... im not at school 25% of the time because i physically cannot go every single day and attend to that rigid and exact cycle that doesnt even teach me anything

doesnt even teach me anything? i dont ... learn anything from school. they like. reteach the same meaningless part of a subject every single year. every year in religious studies in october i learn about the rosary and we spend a lot of the period praying the rosary and i like. ok. cool. its a religious school yeah but what am i actually learning from this. and every year in social studies we learn abt the waitangi treaty but the way they teach it is so whitewashed and utopian and its fucked and they teach it the same way every year around the same time. and anzac day. and in math im not going to use any of those skills you teach me, i dont care about algebra or anything because thats not really going to actually help me in my life im an artist for fucks sake teach me about managing my own finances! teach me how to do taxes! teach me how to function in the society i live in! teach me the important things that ill sink under or die without knowing i want to actually know important things but by cramming so many unimportant things in my brain all the time i forget the actual important things, i fucking failed basic addition and subtraction last year, i’ve forgotten division and multiplication past the 10 times table, but i can vaguely read an algebra equasion BUT FUCKING ALGEBRA EQUASIONS WILL NEVER UFCKING GET ME ANYWJERE!!!!! and it makes me so fucking angry i want to learn and function and KNOW

and the way they tightly bundle everyone to being one conforming individual who dresses like everyone else, is at the same intelligence level as everyone else, is a catholic like everyone else, does not question authority as everyone else or does not question themselves like everyone else or think like anyone else OR BE DIFFERENT THAN ANYONE ELSE makes me want to FUCKING THROW UP. there are so many hopes and dreams that i remember watching from primary school to now sink into a hopeless pit of stereotypes and basic conformity, people who used to be nice are suffocated into being horrible people so that theyre liked by their peers or get anny attention from the school at all, guys who used to respect women (god forbid) suddenly becoming horrible to anyone of any slightly different gender identity but you can actually see on their face how weird it is to them, waves of 11-14 year olds getting nose studs that get infected and they’re forced to have them taken out by the school, kids trying to do their makeup to look like SOMEONE to BE AT ALL DIFFERENT FROM ANYONE ELSE are put right back in their place and told to take it all off and their parents are called and if youre caught with the wrong jacket your parents are called and youre told youre too poor to wear what the school provides yet THEY DONT EVEN LET YOU WEAR WHAT THE SCHOOL PROVIDES WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS 70 DOLLAR HOODIE FOR WHEN YOU WONT LET ME WEAR IT WHILE IM SHIVERING I DONT SEE THE POINT OF ENFORCING SUCH TIGHT POINTLESS SMALL BOUNDARIES OF WHAT A PERSON CAN BE WHY IS IT SO LIMITED? are we not allowed to do anything? you cant even have one strip of hair dye yet a teacher can have a full head of bright purple hair what’s that about? you can have antisemetic pins on your senior year blazer jacket but the second you put a pride pin on there youre called to the principals office and asked why youre promoting this to kids

you try a speech on trans rights and they dont even pass you and pretend its because you got over the time limit but you didnt, you timed it yourself for your friends you didnt get over the time limit and you know it but you didnt even place in fourth you placed last out of 6 or 8 and you wonder why that is because every year in the past you soared into first so whats that about???? in my speech i said be yourself and dont be afraid to experiment with your gender lightly and they told me to take it out because its seen as too much and i said what the fuck? that’s the most important part of my speech, i want to promote acceptance in others and the self and they said take it out or you cant present your speech. they actively suffocate any sort of self expression or nonconformity of any sort you have to be a plain cookiecutter boy or girl and thats it you cannot be anything else, for nearly 6 months theyve fought me and my mom about my hair but if anyones being hurt by it its me because it draws more attention to the kid you can call slurs, are you hurt because im actually expressing myself? are you hurt by my little sharp stud earrings and my industrial piercing and the embroidered cuff on my shirt? are you offended by the heart on my belt or the platforms on my school shoes because the last time i checked none of these were illegal things to have at school

this kind  of got a lot angrier than i meant to make it but ive been . really angry abt this for the past year idk. i really just wanted to write this because i ahvent spoken to piper properly in months and the way we talk now seems like when we just met but i cannot carry a conversation anymore because school knocked the wind out of me all over again and the sudden inability to talk to any of my friends online makes me want to scream until my lungs give out im so tired

[daddyd0nt]

Classrooms Should Not Be A “Safe Space”

There should be no classroom where a student feels unwelcome for trying to learn and better themselves.  Especially in areas like racial/cultural/gender studies, these should be places of LEARNING not just regurgitating what you all already agree with.  Let people ask questions.  Let people get it wrong and correct them.  

Sophomore year, I joined a sociology class that required no prerequisites or major (aka a beginner class open to everybody) and was really excited and open to the fact that it was run by the Black Studies department because I thought “wow, something other than the white upper class sociology professor, cool.”  When I got there, I was the only white person, and one of three non-black people.  All the students appeared to know the professor already from other classes, who gave off that “cool guy” vibe by opening his classes with music videos and saying ‘fuck’ a lot.  I mentioned him to a friend who had taken a class with him before and knew him as a person (she was black) and she advised I drop the class right away.  I thought she was saying this because the class itself was hard, but when I asked her, shed taken a different class and still advised me to drop it.  We were reading “All the Women Are White, All the Blacks Are Men, But Some of Us Are Brave” which is an amazing book and I was really into the class so I didn’t.  

I sensed some hostility from the professor building until one day I got up to go to the bathroom and he started yelling “You have no respect, you think you can just come and go you don’t respect the class or me” and I profusely apologized and explained that the Disability Resource Center should have sent him a letter that I was on medication and would likely need to use the restroom once or more per class.  I went to the restroom and took all my stuff and left crying (Im REALLY bad about being yelled at by authority figures) and one of the boys followed me out and was another person who told me, concerned, “Drop the class”.  I had to keep the class to have a full-time schedule or I couldnt live on campus so I had no other option by that point in the semester.

A few weeks later, I was reading along on my laptop (which id brought to every previous class, as my disability accommodations allowed it) and he thought i wasnt paying attention so he came by me and slammed a textbook to the ground next to me as hard as he could.  Im autistic, and the loud noise startled me and I started sniffling and he grabbed my laptop really roughly by the screen so the bottom part was hanging, saw that i was reading along, and then dropped it back on my desk with no apology.  I had a panic attack and left the class and, according to somebody who stayed, changed the topic of the day to my “white fragility” and that I was a “crying white woman” (which like technically yea but i wasnt crying because white guilt or being called racist I was crying because I was autistic and startled with a sudden loud noise which is a major trigger).

There were other smaller incidents (he had a major problem with my absences and took them personally even though i have a chronic illness and was absent from every class just the same, I even went out of my way to try to get to his because I was so afraid of him by then).  There was a time where we were talking about drugs and he asked a question about “what drug can get you a life sentence in jail” and I answered “LSD” because there had recently been a case in the news of exactly that happening and so of course I thought he was referring to that and was looking forward to finally getting something right.  How he corrected me: “This girl, again.  Black people don’t DO acid”.  Then he went on to talk about the crack epidemic and i was like oh that makes sense but what I said wasnt wrong?  

He was yelling at me “Do you ever pay any attention?  You barely even show up.  You probably expect me to hand you an A just for taking this class”.  This was at the end of class, and I said to him (crying, again, because i cant talk to ‘real adults’ without melting down) that I had autism and ADHD, that they were both on file with the DRC, and he said my learning disorder and disability were excuses that white people used “to give a head start to their lazy children” and that it was “entitled” of me to ask that my accommodations be respected because my disability was really just white laziness and he made a really good point about how black kids are less likely to be diagnosed with learning disabilities and are treated as behavioral cases which yeah 100% correct but he used it as a way to say “these disabilities dont really exist” not “these disabilities are under-diagnosed in certain communities”.

The final straw was my midterm paper.  I wrote on the book I mentioned above, a really good paper that I worked really hard on that met all the requirements of the rubric.  It came back to me marked C- without any notes or corrections on it, while everybody else had red writing all over their pages.  I mentioned it to my friend who had taken his class before and she said “Oh, he wont give the white kids higher than a C-, its the lowest grade he can give without having to cite a reason.  Hes bragged about it” (she knew him on a personal level, like been-to-his-house-for-dinner personal).  So I ripped the paper up and never went back to his class and just let him fail me for attendance.  It was the first class I ever failed.

The entire time I was trying to learn, I was treated like an outsider.  This was not the BSU or the African Heritage Society or any place where I should have been treated any different than any other student (those places would have been well right to reject me as those are not my spaces).  This was an entry-level classroom, but to the professor I did not belong there even though I paid the same tuition as my classmates.  Every question was treated as hostile.  Every mistake was a personal insult. Ive seen the same thing happen in my women’s lit classes or feminist-related sociology classes done to male students, although I can only speak to my own experiences, its distressing for EVERYBODY in the room, not just the person the professor targets.  

If you are in a classroom in good faith willing to learn, you belong in that classroom.  Professors who act otherwise do nothing but scare people who want to learn away from knowledge (I was afraid to take any classes that overlapped with the Black Studies department after that until my senior year when I took a literature class that overlapped, which was lovely and I learned a lot because the professor was interested in teaching).  There are clubs, student unions, etc that are wonderful to serve as a safe space and a space that excludes those outside of the community but the classroom, where we all pay the same to be, can NOT be a “safe space”.  Classrooms, if anything, should be a DANGEROUS space full of ideas and feedback that threaten the world view you walked in with.

IDK mostly this is just venting about a shitty professor because Im tweaking but yeah him and this lady I took a “women in drama” class with were two of the worst professors in existence and you shouldn’t take pride in making somebody afraid to learn.  IDK.  I feel like these kind of classes can really bring out abusive personality types because it is somehow implicit that there are some students you are allowed to abuse and take the high road if you get called on it (a MAN complaining about his FEMALE teacher in a class on WOMEN automatically looks bad).  IDK.  Abusive teachers are real and do real damage.

[angrylizardjacket]

eyes on the horizon {Ben Hardy/Reader/Roger Taylor}

Summary: The reader’s pregnant; she knows she has to tell Ben and Roger eventually.

A/N: 1447 words. Discussions of the concept of pregnancy and pregnant!reader. (pokemon kids voice) What’s That Genre?! It’s [redacted].maybe fluff idk, a little drama, a little angst, have fun?? i lost the original prompt. i also have a few more ideas for pieces surrounding this (including an angst one which im a bit obsessed with omg) i’m also not too crash hot on the quality of this one so feedback would be appreciated!

From the moment you find out, you feel like you can hear a clock ticking. Perhaps it’s counting down; counting down as you wait in line at the drug store checkout after waking up nauseous for the fifth day in a row; counting down the two minutes you have to wait for that infuriating little piece of plastic to give you potentially life changing results. Roger complains sometimes about the world being too fast nowadays, too efficient, and the two minutes is up and a second blue plastic line appears, winding you though you’d been expecting it, you think, in some strange way, he might be right. Most likely, you think, it’s counting the seconds until you’re pretty sure your world’s going to change forever, and you might just lose two of the people you care most about.

The clock ticks loudest when you’re with them, when you’re watching Netflix together and Roger’s draped himself across both of you and you’re running your fingers through his hair. He smiles up at you, booping your nose as the next episode loads, and your answering smile is tight. The show’s theme song is playing before he can really worry about it. 

It ticks when you’re sitting across from Ben at the table, and you’re both still in your pyjamas, he’s eating a banana and you’re nursing a coffee, and he catches you looking through him, rather than looking at him, focused on your own thoughts. He asks you what’s wrong, confused, even a little concerned; you’d been acting weird for almost a week now and he hadn’t wanted to push but-

But ‘it’s nothing, I’m fine’ comes more easily to you than the truth.

He leaves for his set, and you leave for yours, and Roger’s still asleep but there’s a fifty-fifty chance he’ll show up at around lunch at either one of your shoots, but part of you hopes he’ll spend the day with Ben if he does.

Things are going so well right now, and it’s the only thought in your mind when you’re waiting for your name to be called by the barista currently making the director’s coffee order. The rush of steam, the clinking of mugs, and the chatter of patrons makes a beat in your mind to the ticking only you can hear. You tap your foot in time to it, trying to talk yourself out of the conversation you knew you were going to have soon.

They both know you’re sick in the mornings, that nausea sometimes just hits you out of nowhere, that you definitely shouldn’t be working, but you’re claiming illness for the first part, quarantining yourself to the sofa, and it helps that your anxiety eases if they’re avoiding you just a little, to stay healthy; you claim capitalism as to why you keep working.

When you lie, tell them that you’re feeling better, that you’re getting over whatever was ailing you, Ben suggests a weekend away, away from the flat, away from the paparazzi, just away, another town for three days. Though of course hesitant, you can’t say no to him.

And you’d always favoured long car rides for uncomfortable conversations. You’re pretty sure it’s because the driver can’t look at you for too long, it makes you less anxious. 

“So, hypothetically,” you began, worrying your bottom lip as you fix your gaze on the lights of the highway passing you by. Everyone’s a little tired, a little tense; it’s been a long week since you’d taken those three different pregnancy tests in the bathroom of the mall. By now, both men were well aware there was something you weren’t telling them.

“Hypothetically,” though it’s technically an agreement, you can tell Ben’s already unconvinced. By Roger’s hum alone you can hear his scepticism. After a moment of silence, apart from the hum of the car, you realise the ticking’s stopped; now or never.

“Do you guys, like, think about the future?” You ask, carefully casual; to no-one’s surprise, Roger’s the first to chime in.

“Obviously; I’m living some science-fiction fantasy, love, this is the future.” He snorted, but he just seemed amused more than anything, still unsure about how this led back to your mood from earlier.

“I don’t think that’s what she meant.” Ben said quietly, and you made a noise of agreement in the back of your throat. “About... about our future?” Ben’s watching the road, but his gaze on the steering wheel is white-knuckled; he’s already jumped to a million different conclusions, all of them leading to you breaking up with them in this car on this highway.

“The three of us.” You agreed easily, fidgeting and looking out the window.

“I figured we’d just see where it leads; why worry?” Roger says, surprisingly flippant, though he too seems to be slightly on edge, drawing similar conclusions to Ben. Which, at the time, you didn’t realise, far too stuck in your own head to notice their own anxieties.

“Well what if we had to?” You begin, but your eyes widen as you think about what you’d just said, how it sounded, and you finally read the atmosphere; “not worry, not really, just think about the future, that is.”

“You know we love you, right?” Ben’s voice is surprisingly soft, even a little desperate. Something about it, however, eases that quiet anxiety in your chest that you had been trying to ignore.

“Do you guys think about our future?” You ask, and in the silence that follows, Ben pulls off to the side of the road. When the car comes to a stop the three of you are plunged into almost total silence, and somehow this is the single most claustrophobic moment of your life. “I do. I have to.” You admit, and your next words are spoken softly; “I’m pregnant.”

It seems you’ve broken both of them; Ben looks winded and Roger just keeps blinking, his mouth pressed into a thin line.

“You sure?” He finally asks. There’s that fear in your heart again, that anxiety, and tears in your eyes as you refuse to look at them, nodding quickly. You’d been so fucking afraid that they’d react badly, and you can feel your heart shattering just a little more-

“Holy shit are we gonna be parents?” Ben’s a little breathless, and sounds absolutely delighted at the prospect. “Like seriously, this isn’t a joke or anything, is it?” 

“Does it sound like a damn joke?” You snap, reeling from the whiplash of the reactions, but when you look at them, both boys are practically bursting at the seams with excitement. Roger practically launching himself over the centre console to hug you, and when he finally wiggles his whole way through and is sitting with you in the back, you’re shaking, wrapped up with him, pressing your lips to his shoulder. It takes you feeling cool air on your back to realise Ben’s gotten out of the driver’s seat to join the two of you. He’s laughing, almost disbelieving, and he kisses Roger’s cheek before wrapping his arms around your stomach, solid and reassuring at your back.

“Holy shit.” Ben murmurs, and you feel Roger laugh. It makes you smile, makes you feel safe in ways you hadn’t realised you’d needed.

“I know!” He crowed, giving you a little squeeze, and it’s enough to snap you out of your shock to let out a giggle. “God, we’ve gotta think about so much- why are their heads so soft?” Roger squints as he babbles, mostly coherent, still hugging you, his arms trapped between you and Ben where the other blonde refuses to let either of you go.

“That’s the first question you have?” Ben asks, and Roger hums thoughtfully, before immediately voicing his next thought.

“No; do we know which of us is the official dad?” He’s blunt about it, and despite the situation, the topic, and your very arrangement, you find yourself blushing as you finally sit up and admit that you don’t. After a beat of awkwardness, Ben rests his chin on your shoulder, the two of you watching Roger as he considered the situation.

“Does it matter?” He asked, and Roger’s face split into a grin.

“Not really.” 

Of course there’s so much to discuss; a movie star, a time-travelling drummer, and a personal assistant? There’s a lot that needs to be worked out, to be considered and talked about between the three of you, and you know it’s going to be hard, that it’s going to take work. You’re willing to put in that work. You’re all willing to put in that work. But for tonight, the three of you are content to celebrate; the future can wait a little while longer.

[angeliclunaetic]

just thinking back to the day i met him, till now and,, there was always something about him. something that drew me in and everything just felt right. That day we met,, something about him just drew me in. idk if it was his sense of humor or just how polite n sweet and caring he was in general but it was,, something. idek why i even texted him in the first place. i just commented on his stuff and decided to text him. we talked for a few and then he showed me a pic of himself and i was just,, in awe. he really was the cutest thing ever. yes i had thought abt using him when i first saw him but,, i couldnt even if i had wanted to. i seen his pic and thought “yeah he looks like he’d be easy to use” but then by the end of texting him that night,, i fell so deeply for him. actually no. i already fell for him. way before we even met. that must be how everything felt so right. but just texting him a little bit that first night,, i just instantly wanted to know more about him. i never even talked abt someone else to my gc and for some reason i had the urge to talk about him,, like i knew he was the one but didn’t realize it. and then when we called for the first time,, i swear i had butterflies. even though i was otp with him and his friend,, i was so nervous to just talk to him. i had thought of him as my crush at that point. no one had ever made me feel that way. i never got so nervous to talk to anyone. i wanted to stay quiet that entire time so i wouldnt say something stupid and embarrass myself but something about him,, made me want to be so open. so i talked to him,, and when we got off the phone of our first call,, i was so incredibly sad. i wanted to talk to him more and more and i just wanted to call him again already,, but i wasnt sure how he had felt or if he even felt the same. i thought he did but i didnt wanna assume and make a fool out of myself. i wasnt sure if he had a crush or if he was just being nice. but after a while it was easy to realize. he was way too sweet and caring to me. more than a friend should be. he was there for me the night i was bawling otp w my ex. and he got mad and upset about how my ex was treating me in a way that was different than just my friends. and thats what made me fall for him even more. just him. being himself. him being so sweet. so caring. him just being there for me and not judging me and wanting others to treat me right. and when we videocalled that first time,,i was so nervous. i was worried he’d see what i look like and not be attracted to me anymore. but he still was. but i was so nervous anyways. but when i saw him on video call for the first time,, i was in shock. how could someone be so cute. so perfect. how could someone capture my heart just by simply smiling at me. i knew from then, that i, was in love with him. i wanted to be his so badly. but when he had asked me out i wanted to just scream yes at him,, but something in my mind told me to just calm down and wait,, however a part of me was worried that if i had made him wait that he’d find someone better and leave me. but he didn’t he stayed. even after that night i had told him everything. of how i used to use people and how i had originally planned to use him and he still stayed. i swear i felt my heart break that night and i was crying so much out of fear that he’d leave me before we even got together. i had such strong feelings for him and i wanted him to be mine. but i wanted to make sure i was away from,, that thing,, and that i fully loved him before i got into anything serious. i didnt wanna jump from relationship to relationship either. a part of me just wanted to be single and just have fun. but just,, talking to him and texting him,, i wanted him. i didnt care if i wasnt single. i just wanted him. but also a part of me didnt want to love again. or “love” as i should say considering i never loved anyone before him. i was mentally and emotionally exhausted and relationships are just so much work and you have to give someone such a large piece of yourself and i wouldnt be able to handle being broken again. so many thoughts ran through my head. “what if i dont love him, what if im just attracted to him because im going through things and he’s there for me” “what if he wont wait for me” “what if he doesnt like me “ “what if im using him and dont realize” “what if i get hurt” all these “what if’s” and i never once thought abt the reality of it all. that i, had feelings for him. that he felt the same. that he was willing to wait for me, even if it took years. that he would never hurt me and even allowed himself to be hurt by me if that meant even just getting a chance at me loving him. i guess i was just so worried and just in shock. no ones felt so deeply for me before.and that night that i had asked him out,,, i had seen a pic of my ex with this new girl and i felt absolutely nothing towards it. so then,, thats when i knew. i was over him. that emotional attachment was gone. and my feelings for sam were real. and we had called that night,, that entire night i was so nervous and got butterflies, and i realized i never stopped smiling once during that whole phone call. and after we got of,, i, once again, was extremely sad. i wanted to hear his voice talking to me for hours and hours. i wanted to smile and feel nervous and get butterflies. and at that point i was like,, fuck it. yes i was still worried that my feelings werent true. but what was the harm in trying. he was the only person to have caught my eye in like,, ever. he was on my mind that whole night and probably abt like 30 mins after we got off call i asked him out. my feelings for him were too strong. i was worried he wouldnt wait and i couldnt risk losing someone as special as him to someone else,, if i did, i wouldve never forgiven myself. im glad i asked him out. even though i had surprised myself by it,, i just couldnt wait any longer,, i needed to make him mine. and i did. and i wouldnt change it for the world. the first month for me was very,, rough. of course we were still getting to know each other and our boundaries,, and i of course made some mistakes. my fears of possibly not having true feelings were coming back. and it pushed him away because he didnt wanna get hurt. and he almost left me. those two nights that we had an issue and he had left me,, they broke me. they really did. that  was the worst i had ever been. the crying,, the screaming,, the anger and complete sadness i felt. i felt as if i had lost everything. i felt as if i had nothing left. if i didnt have him,, then,, who am i. im nothing without him. he’s my other half. my soulmate. and i thought i had lost him. im glad im so annoying and clingy otherwise i’d be so fucking heartbroken without him. we had only been together for less than a month those two times and yet i felt so strongly for him. nothing has ever made me feel this way. i had never wanted to keep someone in my life so bad before. it was like,, i needed him to breathe. i needed him to smile. i just,, needed him. i cant live without him. just thinking about a life without him makes me fucking sick. i want him and only him for the rest of our lives. no one can even compare to him. im just,, in shock. like im really in love with him and it just amazes me. im sitting here writing this as he’s sound asleep and i just. i miss him a lot. i guess all my feelings are coming out now since ive been distant the past month but,, i dont care. ill gladly shout from the rooftops how much i love him. god there’s so much more i could say about us. even before we started dating. i cant get over the rush i felt. the excitement, the nerves, the butterflies,, even all the “what if’s”,, i still get nervous and get butterflies when talking to him but ofc they’re not gonna be as strong as when we had met and declared our love for each other. speaking of love,, now im reminded of the day i had told him that i love him,, we had “argued” the day before and i thought i had lost him for good,, and that next day,,i wanted nothing more than to just hold him and kiss him and tell him that i love him. i know the words “i love you” is such a meaningful thing,, i couldnt help but tell him. its exactly how i felt. i loved him. i couldnt be apart from him,, even after only a week of dating him,, i was in love that night i thought he was leaving me for good,, absolutely broke me. and the next day i just wanted to hold him tight and never let him go. even though i was so nervous to tell him that i loved him,, i just,, i knew i was sure. no one had ever made me feel so strongly about them. yeah ive cried over my ex. but nothing could ever compare to just the complete distraught i felt that night. that crying so much it burned my throat and threw up,, the screaming,, just the complete sadness and anger i felt. after that,, i knew i loved him, and i wasnt afraid to tell him. i was nervous bc of how he’d react but i knew that i was never more sure of anything else in my life. i love him. and i want to be with him forever. 

[feelin-woozy]

ALL OF THE FLOWERS! 🌸

Alisons: Sexuality?

Queer

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender?

He/They, nb

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Eeeh, no but I probably still will lmao

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love?

Yes

Baneberries: Favorite song?

uhh, lately Berkshire Cunt

Basket of Gold: Describe your family.

Typical nuclear family

Beebalm: Do you have a best friend? Who is it?

@majuulian and my boy Alex but Im nut gunna link his tumblr bc idk if he wants that lmao

Begonia: Favorite color?

Azure and reds

Bellflower: Favorite animal?

Cats

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person?

Night person

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be?

Cat

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I don’t really remember

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children?

They’re cute but probably not for me

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why?

Disappointing my parents

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood.

I used to hide under tables a lot as a kid

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth?  

Getting drunk and listening to good music, hopefully surrounded by good company

Buttercup: Relationship Status?

Single

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go?

Germany

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved?

Have you ever had someone watch you absently with a small smile as you do something?

Canna: Do you have any tattoos?  

Three

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings?  

Eight

California Poppy: Height?  

5′8

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts?

I don’t not believe in them

Carnation: What are you currently wearing?  

Shorts

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight?

Yes

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged?  

I think Alayna??

Chrysanthemum: Who’s the last person you kissed?

My ex

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?

Anything cursive

Columbine: Are you tired?

Very

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to?

Uhh,,, I get to see Pup soon and I’m pretty stoked for that

Coneflower: Dream job?

Psychnurse

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert?

Introvert

Crocus: Have you ever been in love?

Yes

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about?

As long as I’m not doing something that hurts myself physically and or mentally then pretty far

Cyclamen: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? What was it?

Big doggo

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign?

Virgo

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering?

Absolutely, but I don’t really want to talk abt my shenanigans online for the masses

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment?

My vests lmao

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)?  

They haven’t liked a few of them but hey, hasn’t stopped me lmao. It also depends on WHY they don’t like them though

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to?

Josh i think??

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life?

Not particularly

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two?

Have my shit together

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life?

My friends, family, music, cats, 

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed?  

Weed

Hellebore: How do you show affection?

Light bullying

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of?

My vests

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day.

Uhh, just chilling with friends maybe having a few drinks and laughing till your sides hurt

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time?  

I play video games and listen to podcasts

Hydrangea: How long have you known your best friend? How did you meet them?

I’ve known my buddy Erika for like a decade and a half, we met in school.

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything?

Josh

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have?

Like 10 maybe

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

You remind me of David Bowie

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself?

I’m kinda a piece of shit lmao

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

My aesthetic

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself?  

I’m lazy

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?

Watch my mum play world of warcraft

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid?

Erika

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for?

Nothing I care 2 share

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?  

A lot of things lmfao

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name?

Victory of the people, because that’s what my mum picked out

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it.

I grew up in Vancouver, I had a really typical childhood and I’m not sure what else to say of it. Just very basic.

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?

Wall to wall in posters

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years?  

I don’t remember much of it lmao. I was a very very angry teenager and I was sad all the time. I was just a very volatile person and not really the kinda person you want in your life lmao.

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.

She’s my bestfriend!!! I love her so much and would literally kill someone for her

Onions: Tell about your dad.  

He’s kinda an asshole but I really love him and value his opinions on things lmao.

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents.

My grandparents are,, complicated lmao. They’re fine all things considered though. My maternal grandma is the bomb.

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it be so memorable?

I saw Brand New one year on my birthday, that was really great.

Peony: What was your first job?

Kentucky fried shithole

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any?

Ill probably meet my next partner on a dating app lmao.

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?

Couple tynelols and move on

Pink: Where is home?

With people who make you laugh till your sides hurt and have your back through thick and thin

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change?

Uhh, I’d probably try and get my shit together sooner in life.

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them.

Takes no shit 

Primrose: Describe your ideal life.

I’d like to live in the forest away from people with some animals and a partner

Rhodendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child?

Santa, tooth fairy etc.

Ricinus: Who’s the most important in your life?

My parents

Rose: What’s your favorite sound?

I love the sound of rain also the kill bill siren

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory?

Currently, Punk in drublic

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory?

Idk I’ve done a lot of shitty things lmao

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want?  

Some chocolate milk would be rad

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things?

Very easy, I’ve done like 6 years of therapy. I’m a fucking pro at this lmfao

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without?

Music

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night?

Like 7 hours?

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning?

Life doesn’t stop for no one. Don’t wanna get steamrolled by it.

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job?

I fucking hate it

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing?

My vests

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic.  

Goth/punk slut

Tulip: What would be the best present to get you?

Idk I like weird things, one of my ex boyfriends bought me a bunch of taxidermy for my birthday and that’s been the best gift I’ve gotten to date

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now?

Life in general

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called?

I don’t read too much but I have read The Last Wish by Andrzej Sapkowski

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year?

Uhh hopefully less stressed out 

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself.

I’m double jointed and it really freaks people out

[hypereactive]

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? my best friend

2. Are you outgoing or shy? shy

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? my best friend

4. Are you easy to get along with? depends. i try to be, but im also REALLY picky/have strong opinions on a lot of stuff, and im autistic..

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? yeah

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? a caring one, who listens before judging

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? yeah

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? my best friend

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? sometimes

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? probably my best friend

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “o”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? uhm. I like A LOT of songs.

billie ellish- bury a friend and you should see me in a crown

rag’n’bone man - human

rebel - black pearl (hes a pirate)

Aladdin soundtrack - Prince Ali and one jump ahead

arctic monkeys - Do I wanna know?

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? rarely

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? yea

15. What good thing happened this summer? new job, in my field of study

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? yepp

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? probs at least simple life

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? only if I run into him getting coffee (he works there)

19. Do you like bubble baths? if im in the mood

20. Do you like your neighbors? one i do, one i absolutely dont, the rest i dont interact w

21. What are you bad habits? im REALLY picky, and can come off as ungrateful (if u can’t do it right id rather u just not do it. apparently its more common to think at least you got something/they tried.)

22. Where would you like to travel? Anywhere w the right people. Nowhere without.

23. Do you have trust issues? kinda. More like I understand people wont understand me or meet my needs adequately.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? morning coffee

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? my chin/teeth

26. What do you do when you wake up? if I have ResponsibilitesTM i get up and get coffee and leave the house in less than 20 min, otherwise i lay in bed on tumblr until i have to get up due to responsibilities or hunger.

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? im good w where its at tbh

28. Who are you most comfortable around? my best friend

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? yeah. 

30. Do you ever want to get married? yeah

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? lol yesss

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? none?

33. Spell your name with your chin. bdfuds

34. Do you play sports? What sports? not really. i like frisbee and longboarding if those count.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? TV

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? no. I cant keep secrets.

37. What do you say during awkward silences? i usu dont. ill just go on my phone/leave/etc

38. Describe your dream girl/guy? my best friend. 

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? hot topic

40. What do you want to do after high school? lol im not in high school

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? depends on what they did and why, and if they want to grow as a person/make it right

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? im tired/overwhelmed/content/bored

43. Do you smile at strangers? if i lock eyes with them and they smiled, i might smile back, but im pretty good at Not Looking At People

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? ocean

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? ResponsibilitiesTM

46. What are you paranoid about? having a heart attack and no one being around to help me/not noticing until its too late

47. Have you ever been high? yea

48. Have you ever been drunk? yea

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? no

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? black

51. Ever wished you were someone else? no, but i have wished my parents were

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? my chin probs. idk i like myself

53. Favourite makeup brand? i dont wear makeup

54. Favourite store? this is a duplicate question.

55. Favourite blog? uhm.

56. Favourite colour? black/grey/light pink/raspberry/celery green

57. Favourite food? cheese, cheddar brats, spinach, chocolate chip cookies, milkshakes

58. Last thing you ate? rice w beef, spinach, egg and soy sauce

59. First thing you ate this morning? coffee and nutella

60. Ever won a competition? For what? I think so but i cant remember. Oh i think I won an anti-bullying poster competition once.

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? lol nopee

62. Been arrested? For what? no

63. Ever been in love? few times now

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? uh. no. cuz i didnt even like the dude.

65. Are you hungry right now? no

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? i only have one real friend so I feel like thats unfair

67. Facebook or Twitter? tumblr.

68. Twitter or Tumblr? still tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now? lol no

70. Names of your bestfriends? no, bc hed not appreciate it

71. Craving something? What? not rn

72. What colour are your towels? grey or floral w pinks and blacks and oranges

72. How many pillows do you sleep with? 3

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? yes, usu. 2

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? total? uh. 8?

75. Favourite animal? birbs prob.

76. What colour is your underwear? why?

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? chocolate, unless its ice cream. then vanilla

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? berry (any) or cheesecake (also any)

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? grey

80. What colour pants? a darker grey

81. Favourite tv show? uh. i like sherlock.

82. Favourite movie? deadpool probs. or pirates of the Caribbean. or Aladdin. or detective pikachu.

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? never seen either

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? never seen either

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? n/a

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? uhm. I cant remember. Probs the black and white one w the scar, or the starfish, or the sea gull

87. First person you talked to today? my sister

88. Last person you talked to today? my best friend

89. Name a person you hate? my past roommate

90. Name a person you love? my best friend

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? my past roommate and most recent ex

92. In a fight with someone? currently? no? ever? yes.

93. How many sweatpants do you have? 5

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? 6

95. Last movie you watched? i dont know

96. Favourite actress? i dunno

97. Favourite actor? i dunno

98. Do you tan a lot? no

99. Have any pets? no

100. How are you feeling? i dont know

101. Do you type fast? yeah

102. Do you regret anything from your past? yeah, but not overly

103. Can you spell well? i think so 

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? no

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? i dont think so, but i want to (w the right people)

106. Ever broken someone’s heart? yeah, oops

107. Have you ever been on a horse? yep

108. What should you be doing? cleaning my house

109. Is something irritating you right now? no

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? yea

111. Do you have trust issues? yea

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? my best friend

113. What was your childhood nickname? B. as in, just the letter

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? yea

115. Do you play the Wii? no

116. Are you listening to music right now? yea

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? not usually

118. Do you like Chinese food? i think so

119. Favourite book? uhm. sherlock (the whole series). the uglies series (scott westerfield). the secret garden. Fahrenheit 451. 1984. 

120. Are you afraid of the dark? no, but sometimes im afraid theres something in it

121. Are you mean? no

122. Is cheating ever okay? no

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? if i want to

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? no

125. Do you believe in true love? im not sure i know what this means

126. Are you currently bored? no

127. What makes you happy? i dont know

128. Would you change your name? no

129. What your zodiac sign? gemini

130. Do you like subway? i cant eat there

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? lol weve been dating for a while now

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? my best friend

133. Favourite lyrics right now? uh. I dont know.

134. Can you count to one million? that would take a month, so no.

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? i dont know. probably that i couldnt go to work bc i was “throwing up from a migraine” when i hadnt thrown up (yet).

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? it varies

137. How tall are you? i think im like. 5′8″?

138. Curly or Straight hair? curly. but not consistent

139. Brunette or Blonde? i am a brunette

140. Summer or Winter? winter. i can always wear more clothes

141. Night or Day? night. its quiet and calm

142. Favourite month? august and october

143. Are you a vegetarian? no

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? yes.

145. Tea or Coffee? yes. depends on time of day/year/mood/etc

146. Was today a good day? i dont know

147. Mars or Snickers? mars

148. What’s your favourite quote? “if you cant explain it simply, you dont understand it well enough” -einstien is one of them. but there are more

149. Do you believe in ghosts? i dont know

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “aunt lillian’s footsteps became more distant, became whispers, were gone.”

@ramblebrambleamble i got bored and answered all of them

[lovebunnie]

Do all the asks coward

1. what does your wallet look like?

-i got it as a present from my uncle for christmas and its really expensive but also so ugly im sorry uncle tom. its like that ‘southern fashion’ bullshit that white MAGA moms wear. but it was better than my old wallet, which looks like this and i got when i was 12:

2. favorite color?

- baby pinnk

3. do you own a pride flag, or more than one?

-heres the thing: my parents basically know im not straight but i havent told them. my brother has thought i was a lesbian since freshman year, i have a small pride pin on my backpack, ive never been on a date, its complicated. but no, i dont have one. maybe one day, hopefully.

4. describe your favorite outfit

-black pants, platform doc martens, hoodie under a jean jacket, one clip on earring, and holding my crushes hand :]

5. when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter, and what’d she do?

-okay so theres this girl in my theatre class who is really cute, and she put her head on my shoulder and shes pagan so she drew a little sigil on my arm that means “safe and homely” so like :)))))))))))))

6. do you use nail polish?

-i do, i mostly do black tho

7. do you keep organized?

-absolutely. i have things online filed accordingly, i pick out my outfits the day before, my binders are neat, i learned how to army fold my shirts, i keep my shit CLEAN

8. ever take naps?

-only accidentally. ill be laying in bed watching youtube and next thing you know my autoplay has me watching a markiplier video even tho i dont like him and its 4 hours later

9. who was your first crush?

-idk if this is a real person or not so ill do both. my first fake person crush was either troy from high school musical or frankie stein from monster high. and my first real crush was on a boy named dominic in elementary school. i told him i liked him at the end of 5th grade because i thought i was switching schools but then i didnt and we never spoke again.

10. what are your crush tendencies? fall hard or often?

-both both both. i am the worst with crushes. i have crushes all the time because im romantic and a fucking fool. i have 3 crushes off the top of my head rn and i like them all for different reasons. thats not to say that i want to date them, but its that i like them a lot and i kinda wanna kiss their cheek or hold their hand idk

11. describe your ideal day

-play overwatch with my best friend (u gonble >:) ) then hang out with my cat, go get a smoothie, buy some cool shoes or something, take a shower and be asleep by 9 :,)

12. describe your ideal date

-i have stated that build a bear is an amazing first date and im NOT BACKING DOWN. ITS CUTE AS FUCK AND ILL ACCEPT NOTHING LESS!!

13. whats your favorite food?

-either sushi or strawberries :3c

14. who do you feel most comfortable around?

-my theatre class, people from camp, and gobble

15. what is your favorite compliment to receive?

-i dont have a favorite, any and all are going to make my face go red so i have to cover it and maybe make me cry

16. did you/do you like highschool?

-the first 3 years fucking sucked but senior year has been amazing so far. mostly because i just kinda stopped giving a fuck but its amazing

17. favorite animal?

-i think its cats now. i really like cats

18. do you like your name?

-eh, its okay. its pretty but also it seems like there are 60 million fucking people named grace and its so annoying. i wish it was something more unique idk

19. what kind of weather is your favorite?

-a light rain. no swinging trees or thunder, just lots of rain. its nice to stay inside and feel secure

20. do you believe in horoscopes?

-absolutely not. but theyre fun if you like them

21. tell us about your music taste

-its horrific. to sum it up, my two favorite musicians are the gorillaz and frank sinatra. take from that what you will

22. have you had your first kiss? if so, what was it like?

-i havent had my first kiss yet. gonna be honest, i felt like i was going to, a few times at camp and recently when classes ended. but yeah, nothing yet

23. did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a kid?

-i went thro cycles of favorites. but one ive had for years is a plush shadow the hedgehog from universal studios i got when i was 6. i used to carry him around, even to a pool once

24. what time do you usually wake up and go to bed?

-if you know me, you know i go to bed ridiculously early. i usually get tried at around 6pm and fall asleep between 7:45 and 8:30. and i always wake up before 6 am. i havent slept past 6 am continuously since the end of junior year. please help me

25. what dream trip would you take with your wife?

-maybe to go explore new york, just the two of us that sounds like fun :]

26. do you have any pets?

-i have 2 dogs and a cat. the family owns the dogs but that cat is mine

27. what pair of underwear is your favorite?

-uhhhhhhhhhhh i have some with rainbows that are cool? i dont have favorites, none of them are cute anyway

28. what makes you smile?

-funny jokes make me smile real hard, and if you compliment me at the right time, i kind of pull my legs up and hide my face? its cute and charming i promise

29. what makes you feel heavy?

-in both the physical and metaphorical sense, eating bread

30. what makes you feel better?

-watching bo burnham always makes me feel better, hes my go to whenever im really depressed

31. how do you show your love?

-i show my love in everything i do. everything i do is for love, i love love so much its sickening

32. when is it time to get a haircut?

-whenever u want to lol?

33. where would you live if you could live anywhere?

-maybe san francisco, its beautiful and i love the city

34. do your friends and family take good care of you?

-as much as i allow them to. sometimes i go days without communicating and i know thats annoying but my friends put up with it (they shouldnt have to, i know) and my family is okay. its cliche to say, but they honestly dont understand what im going thro alot of the times, esp with my anxiety and shit

35. have you always used the labels you use now?

-back in the beginning of highschool, i used they/them pronouns and identified as asexual/aromantic. eventually, it didnt feel right, so i know identify as cis and bisexual and that feels right to me

36. what makes you laugh?

-my friends, when people shit talk gobble and i in overwatch even tho???? we didnt know him?????? and the mcelroys always get me

37. who is your favorite fictional character?

-too many options, see list here

38. who do yo admire?

-my father when hes not threatening to throw my phone into a fucking lake and my friends for putting up with me

39. describe yourself in three words

-i am baby

40. how long does it take you to get ready in the morning? 

-usually about 45 min, more or less as each day goes

41. what do you wish you could tell your younger self?

-listen: STOP GIVING A FUCK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. YOU WILL NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN, BE YOURSELF. STOP HIDING AND BEING SCARED OF YOURSELF, BE GENUINE!!!!

42. what would you do if you win the lottery?

-get my parents settled, see about other family members, and then distribute the money to charities accordingly, starting with flint and getting them water

43. would you call yourself a romantic?

-yes

44. what is your gayest childhood memory?

-my mom had cosmos magazines

45. do you have tattoos or want any?

-i dont have any tattoos but ive been obsessed with them since the 6th grade. id love to get tattoos, i just dont know what or where and also im afraid of pain

46. whats your worst habit?

-either biting my thumbs, starving myself, or ghosting my friends. prob ghosting my friends

47. what are you proud of?

-i guess coming out of my shell finally? idk, i actually have friends now and it feels amazing tbh. im in 5 group chats now. i havent been in a group chat since 6th grade. :))))))

48. did you know that youre actually a gift to the world, for real?

-hi i love you?

49. whats your favorite memory?

-there are so so many. but what comes to mind first is our dance night at camp where we all stood outside and i finally gave ian my tumblr and we all ran inside to dance to mr. brightside then ran outside again and we requested nightcore and rivers was fucking dancing their hearts out and we all sang along and im going to crying just typing this out

50. do you have a sweet tooth?

-i guess so. too much makes me feel like shit but i do really enjoy smarties

51. what do you like most about yourself?

-this is dumb, but my sense of style. since i got a job ive been wearing shit i actually like and its amazing. ill admit i have cool clothes

52. what makes you fall for a girl?

-besides acknowledging me, probably getting to know me and not like, putting me on a pedestal. idk its weird, ive met a lot of people this year who like to place me so high it feels like i cant make a mistake around them without disappointing them. idk, i want someone to call me out on my bullshit instead of assuring me im okay. i want to know what i do wrong so i can fix it

53. make a recommendation

-for what? uhh okay for music, listen to ‘clay pigeons’ by michael cera (yes i know michael cera) and for television, watch bojack horseman and for movies, watch the docuseries called ‘7 days out’ on netflix

54. have you ever had your heart broken?

-yeah, when i broke up with maddy because we werent ready to date. i cared and continue to care about her and i didnt want to hurt her but i knew its what we both needed. its what i needed, atleast. and i cant be a good girlfriend if i feel like im doing badly. but also ive had friends break my heart and family break my heart. but im okay now, this heart is ready to be broken again

55. when do you feel most yourself?

-def when i was at camp, that place is magical in the way it allows you to be yourself. but also when i talk to gobble because hes my best friend and when im at college, we can talk more and its gonna be dope as shit

56. name a gorgeous celeb

-jake gyllenhaal jake gyllenhaal jake gyllenhaal 

57. what are some of your favorite songs this week?

-fake happy by paramore, im not okay (i promise) by my chemical romance, tomorrow comes today by gorillaz

58. tell us 2 or your biggest hopes and fears

-biggest hopes: i publish a book someday & i get a job doing something i love

-biggest fears: i end up homeless and broke & something horrific happens in college

59. what flavor chapstick/lipbalm is the best?

-raspberry i guess

60. are you okay?

-i answered a lot more honestly then i shouldve for some of these and i start new classes tomorrow so im feeling really anxious so im doing alright i guess.

gobble you test me but i do love you

[ofphcenixes]

BLUE & LIBBY - text thread 001

texts from 3:55pm to 7:01pm

blue

hey lib. (: havent talked today. just wanted to drop in and see if u were doin alright i have memes if u need them

libby

i mean, technically we did talk. i reminded you of the moment the world stood still: when valentine and you made contact (1) time. are you okay though? you seem a little, weird

blue

i maintain that valentine was an alien in a spider suit that wanted to destroy me but u know what I mean djdjdjd just chats between us. the gc has been a june holden fest lately lmao hope it works out for them tho anyways i am always weird in ur eyes djdjhd. but im fine. shit was crazy that night and we never really got to talk about what happenedand if u wanted to talk i just want u to kno im here ABOUT NADIA bc yeah kdjdjjd

libby

don't talk to me or my son ever again yeah, wow, okay so holden stayed over the night. i only know that because i saw his stuff in her room? i think she mentioned that like, it was a one time thing but i feel like... he might be coming over again which.. is Interesting oh. yeah, no i think i'm okay. i guess just in shock. june is very broken up over it, so i'm doing my best to be a good pal, and bring loads of ice cream and kisses. /: do you wanna talk? about nadia? i know that she like, meant something to you

blue

ok good luck getting me to stop talkin to u but as for valentine? bye Felecia! is that right. hmm well he doesn’t seem like much is goin on so maybe they were just,, hanging out. bringing a bag over is pretty damning tho. and if he does come over and u see him tell that bih he owes me $ bc he ate my fucking chorizo salad ): r u proud lib?? I ate a salad by choice well I would have if Holden wasn’t a lil birch bitch DONT CENSOR ME fuck. im sorry. ): i actually wanted to see june today tbh. but if u need anyone pls let me know alright? id skip practice if u needed me, lib WELL. i mean ok i was sorta close with her in middle school and she’s always been a friend and I just. I’m just fucking numb tbh. I really can’t believe it

libby

i'll have you know that valentine died shortly after my 18th birthday so ): idk idk, why would they hang out in her room if they were "hanging out"? like they have history. i feel like thats, a little too ... suspicious given the context. in a good way though. like i hope it works out theyre both so miserable without each other. oh my god!! look at you go! so proud of you, dude! ( even if you never got to it lmao ) no, no, it's okay. june needs all the support she can get, and i don't wanna impede. i'm really fine, i just sort of need to accept it and i guess reflect on how terrible it is. she was a really sweet person and fuck i really cant believe any of it i guess

blue

fuck what kdjdjdnd I thought valentine just yeeted shit that’s not a good way to put it fuck but. im sorry lib ): ok I take it back Valentine was alright. still scared the fuck out of me tho all i know is that if i loved someone as much as holden loves june, i wouldn’t let you go **THEM fuck Damn phone Typos Djdjhdi can’t believe u make me eat green stuff its truly CRUEL whomst? I only know nadia just didn’t fucking deserve any of this. shit even daisey didn’t. i just want to protect everyone and i don’t know HOW it goes without saying that im happy to be ur uber driver for the indefinite future

libby

no omg, i took good care of my boy. idk what happened, they can live up to like 15 years so i was pretty bummed tbh. i was a bad mom he appreciates your support from the grave though i mean, i guess. but not everyone you love is going to love you back, i think that's where holden's at. not everyone wants to be clung to, and june seems reluctant besides, you know all about that. holden, the love of your life, loves june. how sad it's good for you!!! i'm helping i ... feel so badly for both of them. i can't imagine how their families must be feeling, fuck. i hate this. i'm moving to spain ah, dude you don't have to do all that. you probably are busy with practice, and holden, and work. thank you tho

blue

im sure ur a great mother. ): but still valentine was lucky to have u. and im sure he misses u in his weird spider heaven web of flies and whatever it is spiders like idk ill dm peter parker and find out i mean... guess that’s true. I suppose I dont get to see how june feels most of the time. i just wish they’d talk about it and sort it out at least. they both deserve to be happy holden is the loml that is true aksjjsjd. holden has enough room for both me and june in his heart. so i mean technically i can love someone else too?? but enough about that lmfao you definitely are helping. even coach has noticed dkdjd. making me better without even trying u can’t move without me who’s gonna get me free popcorn ): you’re just as important as practise and holden to me, lib.

libby

god, i miss him. you think the girls would be mad if i bought another one? like, to keep in my room.  i know! they're both obviously still in love, you can tell. i can't wait for them to overcome this and get to be together. also, im grateful for the amount of sleep i'm able to get now that... the room next to mine is less loud welp, i hope you find someone who is willing to share you with holden lol oMG, REALLY? IDK WHY THAT MADE ME IRRATIONALLY HAPPY LOL. WE CAN GET SALAD LATER let's go, we'll go to spain and take on a new identity. we can live along the coast and work in a bakery or something. get a puppy don't show holden that text he might cry. but dsjflk thank you, you're very important to me too. kinda my best pal

blue

u would have to ask. but if you did get another what would u call it? thanksgiving? funnily enough valentine is only a few weeks away. a sign?? i mean fuck ive known holden for years and can confirm he is happiest when he’s with june. when she’s not roasting him at least lmfao. and if my MasterPlan works im afraid things will get bad again djdjdj. I can take one for the team and try to get them to come over here tho - u don’t need to deal with that shit i hope i do too tbh. and who would I want it to be u ask? that’s right. danny devito. LETS NOT GET TOO CRAZY IVE ALREADY HAD THREE VEGETABLES THIS WERK AND ITS ONLY TUESDAY. I think it’s popcorn time 8) bold of u to assume i know where Spain is dkdjdjdjdj well he’s gonna catch on soon enough we spend every day together at this point lol

libby

i was gonna name this one patrick, after st patricks day actually lol. yes you know what's also approaching that is more important? your birthday! i know, it doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure that out. he's v much a relationship kinda dude, actually bc he's also kinda slutty lol. but even june is sad and its just, SO HARD. i hate when people are clearly, happiest together are like, nO IM GOING TO PROLONG THE MISERY. i feel like we're in a rom-com. how do we get them back together? i'll let him know. my v-day gift from me to you oooo, should i get the skittles ready too then? popcorn is kinda of a veggie if you think abt it omg, okay well now you can't come with me. offer rescinded. im going with the hot cop lslsfkjdjkldfs i mean its not like we're doing anything weird, so its okay, right?

blue

ur so cute wtf. although if u did do this i hope u know im calling him patrick star. also how the fuck do u tell if its a female or a male spider theyre so small and gross. fuck it is too lol. i dont have any money so im gonna let ppl down on the party front lmao. ud still come tho, right? how can he be both slutty and relationshippy. like not to be weird bc i know hes ur cousin and all dkfjgg but he doesnt.. have people over anymore. unless hes someone learned not to stomp around the house WHICH I DONT BELIEVE. and ha hA im already on plan 384 to get them back together get on my level lmao.  we just gotta force them to spend time together tbh. does that mean i have to give u the hot cop for valentines bc i mean. i would if that's what u wanted but im sure u can do much better than him OH FUCK UR RIGHT OUR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN A LIE TO CONVERT ME TO VEGGIES HASNT IT r u breaking up with me? well fine, ill take the dog ): it's... it's not weird unless we make it weird. and we haven't. have we?

libby

fdsjfjdsl shhhhh, back at you. Patrick Star will be his full name, i promise you this much. as for gender idfk, i am honestly assuming its pronouns lol. i'd be sued by the LGBT community if they knew. also dude, of course. i'll make you cupcakes. plus i know what i wanna buy you! i  can't wait dude what? really?? i thought he was seeing people this whole time, holy shit. dude he's really messed up over this huh? wow, okay, we need to kick this into high gear and have them get back together. tell me your plans. omg, no you clown. i don't even like him that much, he's just pretty. i do like... some personality and he has 0 GOD MY PLAN HAS BEEN FOILED. I CANT BELIEVE IT like i'd ever let you take the dog. she's mine sdfjlkdsfjlk iDK DUDE. I MAY HAVE MADE IT WEIRD BUT WE'RE BAD AT TALKING ABT STUFF, SO WE DONT HAVE TO LOL.

blue

do spiders even have gender i thought they were just the minions of evil lmfao lib u rly dont have to get me anything, really. altho now im curious tbh. but get ready for me to get a lit gift in june >:) ill even wrap it myself which says a lot bc i cant wrap for shit but i want it to be personal lmao not many that im aware of atm. will give u info is this changes. huh we r spies lib. >:) but i dont have any current plans except trying to force them to go in a photo booth together or something when we eventually go to the arcade djsjdh omg how did u know. but idk everyone speaks about him like hes gOD he’s just a dude. eyebrows on fleek tho I will say that IM SO HURT UD USE ME LIKE THIS LIB. ALL THIS TIME WE WERE GETTING CLOSE AND U WERE ONLY HERE FOR THE VEGGIES so u get Spain AND the dog. what do I get, sadness ???? you haven’t made it weird lib, i promise. not to me, anyway. maybe we both wanted the same thing. maybe. oR MAYBE NOT LMFAO but yeah we can talk about whatever lol

libby

don't talk about nate like that omg! i want to, plus its a surprise so no asking what it is. also wow i cant believe you remember my birthday, lol. you dont have to get me anything. you can buy me an ice cream though oh my gOD THAT'S BRILLIANT! aw, what if they take one of those cute kiss pictures in the photobooth like in the movies? i can't wait for them to love each other again, they're so cute. are you jealous that no one is talking about your eyebrows? you have nice eyebrows and nothing to be jealous abt GOD, IM SO SORRY. ROY HIRED ME. HE WAS WORRIED ABT YOUR HEALTH. IM SORRY YOU HAD TO FIND OUT THIS WAY. I THOUGHT YOU NEVER WOULD /: you get the memory of what we were to keep you warm right, cool. noted

blue

why do u talk about the string bean all the time i know u grew up with him but seriously he's like a pale pipe cleaner that i dont need in my life ofc i remeber ur birthday lib. dont u remember ur 10th?? probably the best day of my life lmao. and if u get me something i get u something thats how this works as long as june doesnt say anything mean and holden say anything stupid, its a pretty solid plan tbh. im not jealous HOW DARE ROY PLAY ME LIKE THIS. cant believe u betrayed me lib, after all we've been through ;-; but what if i want something to sell off now that u took the house oh fuck lib i didn't mean it like that. just... pretend i said nothing ok and. yeah talk about something else

libby

hey sorry, i gotta go. talk tomorrow.

blue

oh is everything ok? but alright talk tomorrow then i guess bye lib

libby

night

blue

its 6pm lib but okay night

blue

lib if i did something u dont have to tell me but pls know i didnt mean it, whatever it was. i hope youre okay. but i wont bother u again i promise. just. yeah

libby

it's okay, dude. i'm fine. it's honestly my own fault, it's not you. you're always great. i'm sorry. it's fine

blue

i dont understand what ur talking about but i can tell u dont want to so ill just... leave this. but you're always great too lib. the greatest, in fact. just let me know if ur still coming to the arcade later or not yeah

libby

i guess i'll go. i like pacman.

blue

if u... if u change ur mind i understand. but i really hope u can make it.

[theworldsoul]

notes for the doctors at 3pm dec 1

sorry for putting such personal info on my tumblr, but i currently am having technical difficulties and have nowhere else 2 put this. 

ANYWAYS 

how the meds make me feel: 

10MG: TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST i didnt manage to sober up until enough time had passed that i had just switched my dosage from 10MG to 20MG, so i really cant speak for how 10MG made me feel. I WAS HIGH THE ENTIRE TIME SO IDK. theres no nice way to say this, but i just really love tripping absolute balls,,, but its not SUSTAINABLE. yknow? my grades tanked big time. I only managed sobriety when it was forced upon me and NOW, as much as i want to get high, i know it isnt sustainable. it hurts others and im tired of feeling like IM the problem. not like my brain, but ME. and i wanna be a man and im currently clean because i WANT TO BE,  but also because being forced off it opened my eyes;... and shut them all at once. My dad says i was “more jubilant” when i was on 10MG. OF COURSE I WAS MORE JUBILANT, I WAS BLASTED OUT OF MY MIND ON FUCKING!!!!!!!! DRUGS!!!!!!

ok next order of bizness: HOW THE MEDS MAKE ME FEEL: PART TWO SHARKNADO MOTHERFUCKERS!!! the motherfucking SEQUELLLLLLLL 

sorry im writing weird im kinda riding this weird high rn i almost feel weed-happy. but im not on weed. LOL its cos of my friends and dad like PEOPLE LIKE ME and i do art art and music makes me happyyyy

ok BUSINESS. 

20MG: nothing feels different. the only differences noted are as follows:

* reality struggles. i understand things are real but there is an emotional dissonance, a FOG. also i dont totally believe in objective reality lol. every news headline i read feels like it should be in the onion... not real life. examples covid vaxes and variants, astroworld, tim hortons justin bieber collab, living robots that can reproduce??? russia invading ukraine. MOSTLY COVID SHIT THO. IT FEELS SO ARTIFICAL AND FORCED INTO EXISTENCE AND I REALLY THINK THERES AN EVIL MOTIVE BEHIND IT. just saw a dog on the tl and i swear it looked fake.  but its my friends dog... this hurts a lot and i want to get rid of it, but also im afraid to get rid of it becos well, LOOK AT THE SITUATION IM IN!!! look at all the DAMAGE!! im afraid that if it feels FULLY real, ill never be able to cope. its too sad. im a living tragedy.

* i feel like im annoying and i put too much stress on everyone. maybe thats not the meds tho maybe i AM just seeing truth

*i havent self harmed in a while or really felt much need to except a few times i felt it but didnt do much (no scarring) (like biting my hand or banging my head on the wall) however this doesnt happen often enough to be of concern.

*i dont feel bad REALLY... the reality struggles make me feel OFF and down often to the point that happiness, true happiness is a LUXURY,,, but i dont feel that bad either. like i used to get level 10 sad EVERY FUCKING DAY and now i only get there when triggered by an event or i have to pass a BLOCK to get there

*BLOCKS! a block is like a state in between sadness and normalness. it feels numb and no matter what you do, it is extremely irritating to stay on the block for too long/ I WILL ATTACH AN ILLUSTRATION EXPLAINING BLOCKS

*triggered by an event: events still upset me disproportionately. for example, i took pics of my chem test RESULTS to take home and study which is uhh not allowed but i wasnt sneaky enough so the teacher noticed and she was all IAN WHAT R U DOING and i... i get like this every time an adult is mad with me. even a little bit, even if theyre right. she had to check my phone annd she aint mean shes nice but i just,,, lost all desire to be looking at my test and shit and i just put it back barely even looking at it and ran out the door down the hall and locked myself in the bathroom and sank down to my butt and sat there with my head in my knees and cried pathetically about how i didnt belong there and im an artist not a fucking chemist (the test said 50 percent lol) and i slammed my head hard against the wall twice or three times then i cried some more eventually i felt i had been in there too long so i just said benedicts prayer until i felt okay enough to face the world again then i left to class like if nothing had happened. I stress this reaction was INAPROPRIATTE. i panicked so hard over nothing. im a child 

*ex 2 grinch hat and stuffed animal leo the bear 

*i feel SUPER SAD as i type this rn but its in and out cos sometimes as soon as i begin to accept and acknowlegde my sadness it gets a block. blocks are sometimes helpful so i can keep composure but sometimes frustrating because once you crack the block too much you have no choice but to push through completely or feel unsatisfied

*i feel like i would be so much happier on weed but IM NOT ALLOWED WEED plus it tanks my chem grade

*i often find myself with nobody to talk to,,, no friends to chat with. i have many friends but i dont see them much, aand i often feel as though my newer friends do not actually like me. maybe they think im annoying and childish. my chem lab partner asked me if it was chill if she worked with this smart girl Violet. i said yeah sure and acted unbothered, and i was proud of myself for finishing the titration alone, but it sorta hurt my feelings. she always acts so cool and above all and she goes “mhmm” when i try to make her laugh and it makes me feel stupid and annoying/... and sol is always hanging with these other kids that arent my wavelength at ALL,,, and today i waited for him and one of the other kids to  pack their shit at the end of the first class cos usually we leave class together and talk in the hallways as we walk to our next classes... but to my surprise he stared at me like i wwas being weird and said “sooo ill be seeing u later?” which is just code for “why r u still here” and i said sorry hahah yeah see u tommorow :) and acted unbothered but actually when i left i saw him walking with the other kid and it felt like... idk. NOBODY VIBES WITH ME. NOBODY WANTS TO BE MY FUCKING FRIEND. all my juniour high friends are my friends and thats all i have.... all my friends can easily leave me and talk to someone less annoying but i dont have that luxury, and it breaks my heart really that my new highschoolfriends would rather hang out with anyone other than me. i wish that other kid wasnt there because he always takes all of sols attention and doesnt leave any for me, and that SOUNDS really bad but the truth is I thrive when paid attention to. i dont like to go too long without talking to people cos it makes me feel invisible. 

im miserable. please help me. ive let God down and ive let my parents down. im a failure. im the worst and i dont belong here.

up the dosage or some shit please, it hurts so bad. im sad level 10 rn... in a lot of pain. and my head hurts from bashing it against the wall.

[venusandjow]

@another-straykids-blog

“I have an appointment tomorrow (got to leave school early because of it) and I'm a bit scared? I often have a headache and don't feel well. The MRT and other tests say that nothing is wrong with my head and body. I got a calendar last time where I should keep track of the times I got a headache and on a scale of one to three how bad it is. And to be honest now after writing that down it's even surprising for myself how often I am not feeling well. I felt well for a longer period of time (around one or two months) when i started to get them again and now I see that in the last few months I had headaches for nearly half of the time. The problem is that since nothing is wrong with my body (at least all the tests until now say so) I'm afraid that it's something mentally. Because if I'm feeling like that because of stress it may seems weird. I mean I'm young and go to school and having such problems is something people who work normally have. I don't want to look like something weak how can't even handle school. I also really don't want it to be something mentally because my parents will most likely stress me more about it. They will ask dumb questions like if I get bullied or something. When I felt unwell a few days and threw up at the morning and stood home because of that my dad asked if I shoved my finger down my throat so I can stay home. He thought I was getting bullied or have problems with my weight. And that just because i threw up. I don't even know myself why I three up at that time but I felt sick in general at that time, I think I got the flue and my stomach didn't take it well. I really don't want to know what the doctor will say about the calendar. I would be better off if I have migraine. Than I would know it is something wrong with my body and not with me mentally. Problem is that I do get stressed out easily but I don't want that to be the reason to get headaches…“

Ok it might be long but there is a lot I wanna say about your problem, stress and why it’s such a b*tch, etc...

First of all, I do experience being easily stressed. I sent you an ask in that regard a few days ago (you know, the story of the broken plate), and I have been like that for many years – even maybe always. And I also have some problems related to that -excluding mental illnesses which I will talk about later on- like for example my acne being terrible even though im 23 and hence not a teenager anymore, but because of stress I tend to have a lot of acne (and of course it gets worst every time I stress a bit more). Stress is the cause of a million diseases, not even related to mental problems, but physical ones like stomach pain or skin problems.

Now about your headaches problem. I actually can understand because it happened to me a while ago. I was having headaches frequently and at some point, I started to wonder if it wasn’t actually a disease I had. It eventually stopped, because nowadays even tho I easily have a headache, it will be not as rare and usually I know the cause (too much noise, tiredness, too long in front of a screen, …). You also have to know that such diseases do exist. I remember reading an article about Daniel Radcliff suffering of a disease that would give him intense migraines frequently. So it might not be stress related. If so maybe the doctor will know?

Is stress related to mental illness? Ok so that is a huge, controverted subject, and tbh im kinda scared talking about that on tumblr because it’s kind of a nest of mentally ill people… What I want to say, in regard of your problem, is that stress isn’t the same as mental illness, and it is annoying if your parents think otherwise. The problem with parents is that they usually don’t know much about mental health issues and more importantly they have no idea how to react -so they usually react like sh*t. Maybe a solution to your problem is using he doctor as a relay between you and your parents, which brings me to my next point.

The doctor can be the solution. Unfortunately I don’t know how good your doctor is and if you can trust him/her (ill use them), but they are here to find a solution. If you can tell the doctor that you are indeed stressed and tell them the truth (by that I mean for example “I stress a lot I don’t know why, im not bullied but I feel a lot of pressure from the teachers” or idk depending on your case), then maybe they can reassure your parents. It is sad to they, but your parents will trust more easily what the doctor say than you… (Also don’t be mad at your parents for that, parenting is hard and I would probably do the same I guess…) To resume, trust your doctor. Cures do exist, especially for headaches or migraines that are frequent symptoms. Although they might not find what is the cause exactly, they will at least try to give you a solution (medicine maybe or just advice).

 Now I talked a lot and maybe all of this was just gibberish (I sometimes don’t know what im talking about), but here is the most important:

You are extremely brave. Being stressed or tired “just” because of school isn’t a weakness at all. It is actually something you have to fight, and you going for a solution is really frick*ng brave. Like I said, I used to have this problem, but unlike you I was too afraid to go to the doctor. It makes you officially braver than me.

 I don’t know if any of this will help, but hang in there. It is going to be alright, don’t worry. Listen to the doctor and your parents, be patient. Breathe and drink water, try to get as much sleep as you can.

I’ll always be by your side and rooting for you <3 

[elliot-orion]

Writeblr Re-Intro

I’ve seen quite a few people do this in the past couple weeks so i figure i probably should too considering how stinking long its been. so. hi there! I’m Elliot, and I use they/them pronouns! I’m a college kid majoring in creative writing and anthropology and regret doing both. I have a 9 year old emotional support cat, Van Gogh, who enjoys snoring, getting fur in my mouth, and chewing on my headphones. In addition to writing, I crochet amigurumis, play flight rising, bake like mad, obsess over dragons and stuffed animals, and spend way too much time thinking about superheroes. 

I mostly write LGBT+ Young Adult/New Adult fiction, and recently published my first novel, “Sparks Fly.” You can see a tumblr summary of it here. “Sparks Fly” and the majority of my stories take place in the expansive Dark Heart Universe full of not so heroic Super Heroes and Super Villains with questionable but not necessarily bad morals. But I like to dabble all over and have WIPs including a horror duology, a scifi roadtrip story, and about 800 other WIPs that are going nowhere because I’m a pantser and that’s how i roll. Expect to see me name drop some characters or a story, tag it in one ask game, and then never mention it again rather frequently. I apologize in advance. The main stories you will actually see me mentioning a bunch are below the cut. 

I technically have a website, and I technically have a twitter, but the former is a mess because I can’t program or remember to regularly blog and the latter i never use because social media scares me. Think there’s like 10 tweets on it and all of them are niche shitposts about my stories so... yea. I do have a Pinterest though, where you can find boards for most of my stories as well as a few of the name dropped once stories. so that’s fun. This intro is a mess.... Anyways, below the cut are some quick summaries of my main WIPs. If you want to learn more about the world that half of these are a part of (the DHU), look through this tag because my only summary series of it is way out of date. 

Woodsmoke

A DHU novel. Woodsmoke is a Hero who 100% should not be going to the worst Villain in town, Stardust, for help, but fuck it he doesnt have any other option. In return for helping Woodsmoke save a whole bunch of school kids, Stardust demands Woodsmoke owes him a favor - he has to help Stardust and his gang get rid of the Director of the city’s Supers Association branch. The only probably is, the Director control everything, and Woodsmoke is utterly terrified of him. But, he owes a favor, and he’s even more afraid of what Stardust could do to civilians than he is of what the Director could do to him. When it all goes wrong, maybe its time for him to give up being a Hero and stop being Woodsmoke. Maybe it’s time to just be Vincent again, and finally heal from the damage the SA has done. This is on its fourth draft and still needs about 2 or so more (guessing here), but will hopefully be the next DHU book released (dont quote me on that im winging this)

Nightmare at the Lily Pad Inn 

A DHU novel. Ben, who’s technically a Villain but really just can’t control their powers for shit and their powers are like, really scary so its bad, is on the run from their sociopathic asshole brother. They wind up at the Lily Pad Inn, a safe haven for Villains no matter what they’ve done, run by the cinnamon roll sweetheart Matty and their husband, Blue. While there, Ben meets Oliver, another not-technically-bad Super who can’t control his powers, and meets up with Morty, their best friend. Shit happens i guess idk i’ve not written a real summary for this one yet leave me alone. It’s on the first draft and its not even finished and i have no idea what the ending is because im a pantser go away.

Novella Collection

A DHU collection i guess. I’m not quite sure what else to call this because it’s made of three or so different novellas that I intend to fit together into a collection of novellas. The three novellas includes: the Empath, about Charlie who may just be the worlds most powerful empath and his partners who are very not happy with their area’s Director wanting Charlie to do something that could 100% kill him; Hell in High Heels, a historical DHU story about the Terra (Kitty), the Earth Elemental of the time, and Fer-De-Lance (Hattie), the Poison Elemental, and how they get married sorta unwillingly (thanks SA), break a shit ton of stereotypes, and help win World War 2.; and finally Wildfire, about the current day Fire Elemental and the Villain he really shouldn’t be so attracted to but 100% is and them chilling and being gay and idk this one needs a lot of work. All of these novellas have only had 1 draft and are still needing a lot of work. 

And now for some not dhu stories... 

The Other Beings / The Doll Maker

This is that horror duology I mentioned earlier. The Other Beings follow Nathan. He got sucked into the terrifying world of the Other Beings (well, 5 worlds actually),  when he was 7 years old because of a brother he’s never quite forgiven for making him and his pseudo-sister Hazel hunt minor Beings for his whole childhood and fucking Nate up massively. He managed to leave the horror of the Other Beings for all of seven years before he was sucked back in by the Doll Maker, an Other Being with a penchant for turning pretty children and people into ball-jointed dolls. Turns out a horde of Other Beings is coming after him because of his dad which is a Bad and now he’s having to run as a human macguffin and trust me - he’s not happy about it. Only the Other Beings draft 1 has been written because it’s a dark story and with covid i have not have the mental energy to work on it more, but it’s super fun and i adore it. The Doll Maker, the second book, is solely about Doll Maker and his shit. 

Paper Stars 

Paper Stars is the scifi I mentioned, and just might be one of my favorite things I’ve ever written, even though its only had one draft because it’s hella depressing (literally, the mc River is seriously suicidal) and with all the shit in my life rn i haven’t had the strength to work on it more. but i adore the story. Basically, River’s life has gone to hell since his Grandpa died and the only thing making him hold on is really his alien best friend, Keio. When his depression gets even worse, he finally asks Keio to take him away from Earth and to space to escape his problems. This works, kinda, i mean he falls in love and shit (yes River falls in love with a seal furry alien, please go through the tag its great), but eventually he knows he has to face his problems and get help because this is a realistic story about depression and love doesnt cure all and you cant run from mental illness. It’s great. 

That’s kinda all the main stories i mention a lot, all the others are little things i start and stop or that i write a self indulgent first draft but never intend to take it any further. all of these i fully intend to publish one day tho. So... yea. Welcome to my blog, its chaos but we have a good time.