#idk if this sounds stupid but yeah this is what I think
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(yandere! bully victim x gn! bully reader) (cw: erm... yandere stuff, body horror or whatever its called idk bruh, he kinda carves his name into ur skin but its not mentioned in detail)
"how does it feel to be on the receiving end now, huh?"
you shiver, letting out a strained sound as you trash on the table.
"pluh- mn!"
"what was that? you've got to be clearer with your words, my dear. how do you expect me to understand muffles?"
the male hums, his cold hands dancing across your body. you could only shiver yet again, unable to do anything but remain binded to the table.
"oh, sorry, i forgot you couldn't speak. haha, how silly of me."
yeah, how silly of him to completely gag you so you couldn't speak. how completely silly of him to tie you to some cold table, restraining all your movements so that you couldn't fight back against him. how absolutely whimsical for him to be recording all your grunts, groans, and whines while you were completely restrained.
well, you suppose it's a bit ironic. considering that you were the one doing it to him when the both of you were younger. albeit not on this level.
you wonder if this was how he felt. vulnerable, naked, defenseless.
it happened so long ago, but the wounds you inflicted on him were still fresh. no matter how hard you try apologizing, his scars still bleed warm.
you shouldn't have been mean to him. you really shouldn't. especially when he was so much nicer back then.
"mn... you have no idea how much I've wanted to do this. it really makes me happy to see you so..."
he pauses, eyes raking over your form that was tied down to his table.
"so weak."
we've all watched the movies where the bully gets put in place and completely punished. you used to laugh at those films. i mean, how could the bully even be so stupid to get karma for their actions? couldn't they have hid better? tried making up for it? why did they have to go through the consequences of their actions? what idiots!
but now that it's happening to you, you wish you hadn't said those words.
the second you found out that your ex-victim was your boss, you couldn't even as much as utter a word. no, you felt like you were about to have a mental breakdown. especially because you were now his secretary, working for him.
"come on, what happened to that big, scary, and mean ol' bully that i knew? the one that used to pour water over my head and have their friends restrain me?"
his words have a hunt of condescension- no, they were fully condescending. he was mocking you right now. mocking you for your stupidity, mocking you for your actions. and he was absolutely taking pleasure in seeing you in such a weak and reduced state. a shell of the person you once were.
you couldn't do anything but to take it like the loser you were.
"haha, look at you. all tied down and gagged like the dog you are. why don't you bark for me? maybe I'll be nicer if you act like a stupid bitch in heat."
he laughs, hands resting on your clothed abdomen. his hair falls over his eyes, the usual up kept man looking like a mess as he continues to taunt you.
"you know, when i confessed to liking you, i never expected you to bully me. seriously. i thought you'd be like, I don't know, nice about it. if you were nice I don't think I'd have stalked you and do all this. would've courted you normally until you accepted. I'm a patient guy after all."
the words that come out of his mouth have just the tiniest bit of sadness in them. however, it's completely squashed down by the sharp look in his eyes.
"had i known you'd be such an ass about it... I'd have just taken you for myself right there and then. who cares about having a normal relationship, right? as long as you're with me, it's all that matters."
right, like what he was doing right now. ever since you started working for him he's been constantly... acting like he was your boyfriend rather than your boss. constantly giving you gifts, telling you that it was okay that you bullied him because he knows you're just shy and that he'll make things right... the worst part was when he forbid you from interacting with others.
it was fucking creepy.
things were only worsened when he found you on a night out at a bar, flirting with some random stranger. you had wanted to let loose and relieve some stress but it looks like karma loved to see you suffer.
"what are you doing? are you cheating on me?"
what the fuck?! you stare at your boss in horror, freezing in place. quickly turning back to the stranger you were flirting with, you shake your head and apologize, explaining that your boss was just a little weird. why the hell is he even here?!
"look, I'm sorry but he's a bit of a creep and-"
"my darling, i think it's time we go back home. you've had one too many drinks."
that experience was only the start of an even worser time. one that led him to declare to the whole damn world that you were now his in a fit of anger and mania. i mean, he practically has you locked in his house now. and it wasn't even illegal since you agreed to come.
he had called you to sort out some paperwork or whatever and you being his secretary... you couldn't refuse even if you wanted to. so you made your way to his house, all naive and ignorant of what was to come the second he opened those doors to that luxurious mansion of his.
you passed out and the next thing you knew, you were restrained to the table, gagged and staring at him with a half lidded look in your eyes.
god damn it, you should've known better than to believe this crazy guy's words. why would you willingly go to his place where there'd be no one but you two? ugh, stupid, stupid, stupid.
and now you could only express how terrified you were with your eyes and shivering body.
"how cute. how seriously cute. I've always wanted to see you look at me with that expression."
he coos, lips stretched into a smirk as he leans down to your face. his breath hits your skin, cold hands trailing up your chest and to your jaw before he grips hard.
"you're mine. it wasn't clear when i was just a boy but you've always been mine. since the day i let you bullied me, and even right now, I've made it clear. you're mine, and always will be mine."
he's right, you've always been his. why else would this rich and obviously powerful guy just let you bully him? he could've had you gone the second you made a move on him but instead...
"i still remember the slaps and bruises you left on me. ah... you were so cute back then. hitting me like that. should've scarred me too, maybe then I'd see your horrified face whenever i flashed it."
a sadist. you're sure that he's some sort of sadistic masochist.
"oh well, it's no matter. I've done that job for you."
he pulls away, unbuttoning his shirt to reveal his bare upper body to you. to say that you were completely terrified would be an understatement. because why the hell was your first name (and his last name btw) painfully carved into his other flawless skin? right above his heart, no less!
"isn't it beautiful? you're forever with me now."
his words send a chill down your body. what the hell, you don't want to be with him at all! and it looks like he sensed that but chose to ignore your feelings.
your boss smiles at you before pulling out a small blade from his pants.
oh hell nah.
"it's your turn, darling."
no no no, you don't like where this is going. your body trashes violently against the cold hard table he had you strapped in, pupils blown wide as adrenaline fills your veins.
"mgh! mf!"
"hey hey, quiet down. it's only fair that i get to do it to you, right? consider this my payback. you had your fun and now I'm having mine."
no! shit shit shit, what are you supposed to do?!
you try shaking your head, sweat forming on your skin as your breath grows laboured. your body continues to trash against the bindings, but it looks like the bindings were done just a little too well.
"hm... should i do it somewhere visible? or maybe... right where your heart would be?"
you shake violently, tears pricking at the corners of your eyes.
"nh! mh!"
"aw, is my little darling about to cry? that's so cute. go on, cry for me. cry for me just like i cried for you."
tears fall down your cheeks as he trails the vlade over your clothes. the sharpness of the item has you shivering, cold dread creeping up your spine at the very thought of that anywhere on your skin.
"hm... since you look so scared, I'll carve my initials instead of my full name. how about that? a good offer if i say so myself."
if you could speak, you'd be cursing and begging him to stop. unfortunately that wasn't the case and your boss took your lack of words as the green light.
"don't worry, I'll kiss your pain away afterwards. it'll be over before you know it."
oh god damn it, you really should've just politely rejected him when he confessed.
#yandere#tw yandere#yandere x reader#yandere drabbles#yandere scenarios#yandere imagines#yandere concepts#yandere bully victim#yandere bully victim x reader#yandere ceo#yandere ceo x reader#gn reader#suiana rambling#suiana brainrotting
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hi hun! Love ya work and everything bout it 😼😼 deserve more recognition fr I’m not too sure bout your rules for asks so feel free to deny but but but it’s rotting at my brain and I need it satisfied 😞 but reader being a brat and bakugo going to punish her at home but then she falls sick and it turns into domestic bakugo taking care of reader mhm? I’m so sick rn and I want domestic but I also want like Ughughugh idk babe do what you want with it just brain worms LOL
implied smut, fluff, comfort, domestic katsuki !
ping!
the notification goes instantly to his phone, you putting your phone down and laying against the mattress the both of you shared. your phone immediately goes off, taking a peak and its just him rambling to himself practically..
‘im going to fuck you up.’
‘keep playin with me at work and im going to play in your pussy next.’
you smile to the phone, but your stomach somewhat churns for whatever reason. you probably have another stomach bug, being prone to stomach issues and back issues. you reply really quickly, tossing your phone and groaning into the pillow in the fetal position.
it doesnt take long for him to get home, however. he busting through the room and seeing you curled up, he thinks your ready for him to take you like he did last weekend.. but something’s off, your skin is greenish and clammy. “hey.. you good? the matter?”
“dont feel good.” you mumble, hands clutch your stomach and moan. “sorry.. i know you were excited about fucking—“
“hoe, shut up.” he grunts, scooping you up and taking you to the bathroom. “where does it hurt?” he asks, watching you lift your shirt and he feels around. “here?” he asks, rubbing your neck and kissing your cheek. “sounds like you got another stomach virus.”
“yeah.. you dont have to be around—“
“didnt i just tell you to hush it?” he asks, flicking your head and starting a bath. the waters’ cool, him slowly settling you inside. “sit here for a sec, relax and ill fix some food.” he mumbles, talking about hes calling for the next week.
“you dont have to..” you mumble watching him untie his boots.
“i do, because i know im going to get sick and its for sickness and in health, stupid.” he replied, glaring at you. “you do know that i love you, right?”
you nod, feeling some what better.
eventually, he has you take some herbal tea and put you on the bed. “just rest, youll be okay— and we’ll figure it out.”
“are you mad that we cant fuck..?”
“have you or have you not been dating me for four years?” he asks like you had six heads, putting a hand on your stomach. “no im not mad, yes i still love you, no i wont hold it against you, no im not mad i got to miss work, yes i will stay with you.”
note taken.
#dvorahasks#katsuki smut#katsuki x reader#katsuki fluff#katsukibakugou#katsuki bakugou#kastuki bakugou#bnha bakugo katsuki#katsuki x you#katsuki bakugo x reader#bakugou katsuki#katsuki bakugo mha#katsuki x black!reader#bakugou smut#bakugo katuski#bakugou#bakugou x reader#bnha bakugou#bakugo smut#bakugou x black reader#bakugou x black! reader#bakugou fluff
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my hakuhiro thesis.
Hakuri x Chihiro is hilarious because neither of them have any idea of what romance looks like. Both grew up isolated from society and their peers. I don't think either of them would actually develop DEEP romantic feelings until they are older. There would probably be some romantic/sexual tension in fleeting moments.
Hakuri maybe has movies as a reference for romance but idk if Chihiro did anything like that with his dad in the middle of the woods, and if he did it’s probably old samurai films like Seven Samurai. Chihiro had a childhood crush on actor Toshiro Mifune (understandable) and his dad knew but decided to let him figure it out on his own. He didn’t figure it out. Chihiro doesn't know homosexuality exists until age ~17.
During the years hunting for any news on the enchanted blade with Shiba, Shiba realizes Chihiro never reacts to the female models on billboards and magazines so he’s internally like (🏳️🌈?) and tries to be supportive by mentioning his queer friends but Chihiro is just like. Okay. Cool. Shiba lets it go; it doesn't really matter anyways.
Meanwhile in the current story timeline, Hakuri JUST figured out he’s not doomed to die alone and unloved. Sex and romance are not even on his radar. Hakuri COULD be more self aware except he still puts Chihiro on a pedestal as his “samurai” even though they are supposed to be equal allies. When Hakuri gets a little bit more self esteem he realizes he’s a hopeless romantic but still lacks the self awareness to consider his actual feelings and Chihiro is just objectively hot, actualy. They are blood brothers for years.
They would 100% sleep on the same bed as bros without question. I’m pretty sure everyone in their little squad would just pile on the same bed and sleep. But these two, specifically, are immune to so many romance tropes it’s stupid.
After some time Shiba once again goes "🏳️🌈?" but feels like he’s hallucinating everything because everyone else is like Chihiro? With a crush? Sounds fake but okay. But Shiba KNOWS Chihiro puts extra butter on Hakuri’s eggs. He SEES that Chihiro INITIATES fist bumps with Hakuri. They had a one arm hug that one time. Everyone else thinks those are pretty normal things to do, but Shiba is fucking dying. He’s too old to care about teenage drama. He’s 40 stuck with people ages 7 to 22ish. The young love, it's disgusting.
Hakuri-with-more-self-esteem says shit like "once we make a safer world, I can finally get a girlfriend in peace :) Chihiro will be my best man at our wedding and Char will be the flower girl :)” Shiba wants to STRANGLE him for this but Chihiro is just like “yeah I hope you find happiness (sincere), you deserve it”
Shiba's nephew is in love with a straight boy. He wants to cry. Hasn’t Chihiro suffered enough?!?! Maybe Chihiro will get over it maybe it’ll be fine. The reality is that Chihiro is so unbothered. He trusts Hakuri with his life and simply doesn't think further into that. He gets weird looks from Shiba sometimes and ignores them.
Flash forward to post-canon or near the final arc Hakiru is ACTUALLY flirting with Chihiro but he’s really bad at it. It's shojo manga embarrassing and he's 20 years old. NOW THE REST OF THE CREW REALIZES WHAT’S HAPPENING.
Chihiro at this point is a Black Box. His experience with men making passionate declarations of interest towards him are men trying to kill him and/or projecting their feelings about his dead dad on him. The deeper reason Hakiru's advances fly over is head is that Chihiro is most receptive to a quiet kind of love. He’s not one for grand gestures. He wants banter, he wants to wash each other's backs, he wants to go to sleep without feeling burdened by grief and guilt. He wants to be a swordsmith, not a samurai. He wants to build a home and a family.
Chihiro knows he is taken care of. He recognizes the kindness and love people show him and he gives it back. One day, it clicks for him that his relationship with Hakiru is drifferent from the rest of his friends/family. He asks him out. Obviously Hakiru says yes.
Hakiru thinks the flirting successfully communicated his feelings but Chihiro is nice enough not to correct him. It doesn't matter. They take things steady and roll with the punches and move in together and unofficially adopt char and get pet goldfish and fuck nasty and live HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
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Little Bit Of The Past
I was thinking, we never got the chance to know about Bullfrog's past. I mean he's the only one we know the least about; except he is an assassin, he is the last of them and he has some moral codes and apparently he knows a lot/ have experience about vengeance.
AND that he was used to watch Rayman as a kid. (And that he took part in a war. Okay I learned the war's name. The wasteland war.)
This gives us a waay more open space to fill in. And I can happily do that with my own headcanon. (I might add it in my fics too but not too sure lol, it's all up to you guys wanting me to add it or not)
So I first thought maybe he had a pretty normal life as a kid. Grew up in a family with a mom and dad. I also thought (because frogs literally give birth to so many babies) he has a lot of brothers and sisters?
Maybe Rayman when he was a kid (like most of the kids) was his favorite show.
I am going to make this post a bit quick so... One day some soldiers came and killed his parents and took his siblings and him prisoner. Some assassins rescued him and taught him their ways. He ignores it and goes to rescue his siblings but finds them all dead? And he wanted revenge so he finds the person did all this and killed him but it was nearly costing his life as his mentor saved him but he died in the process and he swears to never follow the path of vengeance ever again.
This was my take on why he doesn't like vengeance. That's all, thank you for reading! (Still not feeling like this is his entire past but this will do for now~ Btw I have no idea how he is the last assassin. I don't know if there is a canon part of this but if not I am gonna assume that they all died in that war and he is the only survivor. I believe this because when Pey'j died his reaction gave me the vibe maybe something similar happened in his past, because he looked so desperate and upset (yeah he was his friend even though he knew him a little it might be normal but still))
Also off topic but I don't believe he died (his bomb activated) in the end when Laserhawk pressed the button and activated his bomb. I dunno but I have a feeling that Bullfrog is now freed with the bracelet broken. (He is still held by Eden but still lol) But I am sure Sarah has some big plans for him. (Because he is seemingly the only one that still alive lol) And if someone is alive in a show this means something will happen XD I am also really unsure if Rayman/Ramon will be the one to save him but anyway.
#bullfrog#captain lazerhawk#captain lazerhawk spoilers#captain laserhawk#rayman#headcanon#senario#idk if this sounds stupid but yeah this is what I think#vengeance is not the way son
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I was thinking, we never got the chance to know about Bullfrog's past. I mean he's the only one we know the least about; except he is an assassin, he is the last of them and he has some moral codes and apparently he knows a lot/ have experience about vengeance.
AND that he was used to watch Rayman as a kid. (And that he took part in a war. Okay I learned the war's name. The wasteland war.)
This gives us a waay more open space to fill in. And I can happily do that with my own headcanon. (I might add it in my fics too but not too sure lol, it's all up to you guys wanting me to add it or not)
So I first thought maybe he had a pretty normal life as a kid. Grew up in a family with a mom and dad. I also thought (because frogs literally give birth to so many babies) he has a lot of brothers and sisters?
Maybe Rayman when he was a kid (like most of the kids) was his favorite show.
I am going to make this post a bit quick so... One day some soldiers came and killed his parents and took his siblings and him prisoner. Some assassins rescued him and taught him their ways. He ignores it and goes to rescue his siblings but finds them all dead? And he wanted revenge so he finds the person did all this and killed him but it was nearly costing his life as his mentor saved him but he died in the process and he swears to never follow the path of vengeance ever again.
This was my take on why he doesn't like vengeance. That's all, thank you for reading! (Still not feeling like this is his entire past but this will do for now~ Btw I have no idea how he is the last assassin. I don't know if there is a canon part of this but if not I am gonna assume that they all died in that war and he is the only survivor. I believe this because when Pey'j died his reaction gave me the vibe maybe something similar happened in his past, because he looked so desperate and upset (yeah he was his friend even though he knew him a little it might be normal but still))
Also off topic but I don't believe he died (his bomb activated) in the end when Laserhawk pressed the button and activated his bomb. I dunno but I have a feeling that Bullfrog is now freed with the bracelet broken. (He is still held by Eden but still lol) But I am sure Sarah has some big plans for him. (Because he is seemingly the only one that still alive lol) And if someone is alive in a show this means something will happen XD I am also really unsure if Rayman/Ramon will be the one to save him but anyway.
#bullfrog#captain lazerhawk#captain lazerhawk spoilers#captain laserhawk#rayman#headcanon#senario#idk if this sounds stupid but yeah this is what I think#vengeance is not the way son
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staff logging on to tumblr dot com today
#staff sweetie i Promise you an algorithm would kill this webbed site#changing the way reblogs look/work would Absolutely kill this webbed site too#this is a Blogging Platform i dont want it to be like tiktok or twitter jesus#if you NEED to change something literally listen to the the Tumblr Users you pretend you cant hear#if money is what you need make your userbase Happy and you should be fine#the shop is fine blaze posts are fine ad free subscriptions are fine but dont get rid of shit that Works For You in favor of making money#someone really laced up their clown boots today im. so tired staff please dont#tumblr staff#EDIT: staff updated their original post to say we were all misunderstanding but#that doesnt stop the post from being stupid#the whole post was worded for Investors and then presented to the userbase#if you say 'we have big changes planned!' and dont put in the 'as options' its Your Fault that people read it as 'were changing everything'#staff isnt stupid. they know how they Should have worded it better than what they did#so yeah. someone Did lace up their clown boots before they hit post#edit pt 2 lol for the record i dont think tumblr would actually go through with all their changes in that post#they know how the userbase is and there are A Lot of us#i just dont like how? idk. condescending? the post sounded#and out of every place on the internet being being burned alive in the name of money#tumblr is the one place i know enough about to be Actually mad at lol#ive really liked some stuff staff has done in recent years#but talking to your userbase that way wasnt one
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Before I go to sleep I leave you all with this piece of advice: sometimes you don't actually have to answer big political questions, sometimes you can just say "I am not smart enough to know that, I just know the small things I do to help." Like you can often times completely avoid making a fool of yourself if you just say you don't know.
#simon says#to explain here and not in a reblog:#sometimes when you try to explain big picture solutions you're gonna sound dumb#you might not have done enough research#you might not have a rebuttal to a counter argument#you might not be articulate enough to explain why you think this#sometimes you gotta take a step back and give the simple solution. the one man solution#you do what you can to fight against the problem#you talk to people to help spread awareness and how to fight the bad problem#and you vote and invite others to vote for bigger steps towards solving the problem#like you can talk about theory and how you believe we need to do a huge drastic thing to solve and issue#but people will disagree and argue til you're blue in the face#they'll poke and prod until you mess up or lose your temper and use it against you#and you'll feel dumb and they'll learn nothing#sometimes the best thing to do is step away from the big picture and just say 'idk what the solution is I just know the things I can do“#sometimes you gotta admit you're not a scientist/expert and you can't answer that#i used this while talking with my Dad tonight#he brought up our climate crisis and space travel as a possible solution#and I said I think that's just addressing the symptom and not the cause and we need to care for our Earth now#and he asked me what solutions I think would fix it#and knowing my incredibly smart Dad who is articulate and ready to throw rebuttles at a moments notice to play devils advocate#and my past experience in struggling in this topic with him before#i just told him I didn't know. all i knew is the little things I can and do do to help#and that hopefully by spreading the word and habits and encouraging others to vote for those bigger solutions I could help make a change#but all I really could do is the little things I have control over#and the topic became much less stressful about the little things we have control over#like planting native plants and recycling and adopting habits that are healthier to our planet#which was 100% more preferable to if I tried to give a big solution. because I would reveal i didn't have all the knowledge needed to argue#and my articulation would make me sound like a stupid kid who only thinks they know what's best#so yeah I basically suggest that if you dont wanna feel like shit after debating someone just step away from the big picture for a moment
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i think my biggest character growth over the past 5-6 years? is being able to do this these days
#it still bothers me but im so much better at moving on & being happy with what i have than i used to be. based !#idk like it's easy to fall into a spiral of alienation like Ohh God... I don't feel this thing that Everyone Else Feels... I must be Broken#but idk. as time goes on i find it easier to focus on like. yes of course the friends that will still prioritize me#but also just Myself. like. It's like the more I think about it like Yeah sure it's alienating to not Fit In to a romance based society but#at the same time it's- not ''i don't think anyone could handle me'' because that sounds stupid as fuck and like I'm full of myself LOL#but like. Well nobody could ever really have the full context of who i Am as a person except for myself. so why am i beating myself up for#not being able to feel a certain way about people when i'm really the only person that can Fully get myself in the first place? when instea#i could just celebrate being myself and being on my own. Of course that's not perfect all the time#but it's a lot better than being 16 again like WHY AM I A FUNDAMENTALLY BROKEN PERSON#idk maybe all i had to do was graduate college and get a job LMFAO that one tweet thats like#yea im probably aromantic but i have a job so idrc about that rn#talking
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Okay so ik it's a common thing for Dick to be triggered by fire and for it to be really upsetting to him for obvious reasons (esp since this is supported in canon). But I think it's equally fun if, bc of that trauma, Dick ends up developing a fascination with fire that he hates himself for
#felix (host)#dick grayson#dc comics#dc#...pyromania? idk i hesitate to say that bc idk much abt it#well i do. i do my research. but I'm very tired and don't wanna sound stupid fhchvhv#but anyways you get what i mean#bonus points if fire still upsets Dick but he's still morbidly fascinated by it#thinking about how Jason constantly blows shit up. along those lines basically LOL#actually how many times has Dick set shit on fire?#ive seen a handful of different times he has i think#but I'm very tired so i can't list them rn#besides uhh. Ric trying to burn the Nightwing suits#but yeah i think it'd be fun if Dick struggled with that <3#i love conflicting emotions in characters sm#idk I'm not sure if this makes sense or is in character#but I'm having fun so who cares
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feels like the isolation is a gushing wound and going to the centre is just a small bandage. i think perhaps i am not really ever going to feel okay unless something miraculous happens. i am retaining some semblance of sanity now that I'm leaving the house and socializing with non-family more than once a week, but i am still hurting more than I can really tolerate and I don't know what to do about it. there doesn't seem to be a fix for this that I can enact.
#part of me wonders if going to the centre is helping or hurting more#but i think it's definitely helping more. however it is definitely also hurting/making some things worse#i just wish I could be operating at the same level as most of society#and i feel so egotistical when I talk abt this#but like. why am i always so fucking aware of every single thing going on#and everyone else is just painfully oblivious#I AM USING HYPERBOLE. ITS NOT EVERYONE. i know im not the only person ever lmao#when i got my autism diagnosis i thought oh good okay so THIS is why im such a freak#and now I've met so many other autistic ppl irl and um. no. no thats definitely not it still.#yes its probably part of it but im also just. so fucking traumatized i guess idk. i hate this so much#i just want to be the same and fit in and not be analyzing everything and be able to actually speak my mind#and not be so kind and polite and respectful all the time and be able to say shitty stupid things without thinking anything of it#im so tired of being the only one who seems to care so much about everyone else's comfort and feelings#but also at the same time i would hate if i acted like everyone else bc i know how shitty it makes people feel#and people are always so happy to see me because I am useful and make them feel good and comfortable and heard#and that matters. that means a lot to people i think. but also I am not a person. i am a tool.#and I'd really like to be a person#i somehow feel like im operating at a higher level/awareness than almost everyone irl and also way below everyone at the same time#like im so hyperaware of everyone else more than most ppl but im also so socially inept sometimes. and just... idk how to be a person.#i dont know i just want to not be like this. its so lonely and tiring and i want to matter to people#i want them to like me for more than just what I'm able to do for them. I want to be liked for Me i guess. but Me isnt likeable maybe#Me is uncomfortable for people. Me is a trembling cornered prey animal with a longing to tell stories but is too afraid to do anything#and so Me just exists in a hollow shell made out of people-pleasing and fawning and mirroring everyone around them#and then i get lonelier and more isolated and nothing really changes. but every time i try to crack open the shell a little it goes badly#like i genuinely dont think its my paranoia. i think it is not Safe for Me to exist properly.#i am too sensitive probably! but it does very much feel like a raw wound that peope jab aggressively at when i open up a little!#boy howdy i sound like such a wuss. i mean i probably am one fjfkdl#i just feel like I keep trying to fix things and improve and try new things and nothing ever really works well#my counsellors have always commented on how impressed they are at my willingness to try things#and its like ?? yeah ! ofc i am going to try things! maybe that will be smth that finally helps!
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you know how when you drain the water from a sink or bathtub it makes this little swirl? as a child I was deathly scared of this because I was convinced it could jump out of the drain and become a tornado <3
#i think the thing that scared me. looking back. was the sound it made. idk it had something primal and aggressive#remembering shit like this is so funny because my parents will be like 'but you were such a normal child!'#girl i didn't tell you 90% of what was going on in my noggin because you (mother) called me stupid and the r slur one too many times#but yeah i was genuinely SO fucking scared of the Drain Swirl. i had to hype myself up before pulling the plug lmao#rayrambles
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ok after listening to the english version of the death note musical....... unpopular opinion i think but i actually prefer the japanese version? dont get me wrong, with some of the songs i do think i might like the eng version more but..... idk i like the lyrics of the japanese version a lot more? and obviously i only know them via a translation but i know for a fact that the entire focus of certain songs are different between versions.
like in the english version of the game begins, L is talking about his strategy to track down kira. but in the japanese version, he's more so talking TO kira directly and saying that he's going to take him down from his "god" status to hell. or mortals and fools, which had a wholeee different vibe in the japanese version being called like a cruel dream. and uhhhh am i insane or was rem's song before she dies an entirely different song? cause in english it was like a sort of generic love song that was pretty chill considering the context, while in the japanese version it was this superrr melancholic and striking ballad she sang while floating around misa.
idk but i really do think i prefer the japanese version. but the og english version is good too!!! i really liked hurricane and the way it ends in particular
#in ''the way it ends'' btw light saying to L ''i've always stayed a step ahead; but you were with me all the way'' almost made me cry WHATTT#WHO MADE HIM FUCKING SAY THATTTTT THATS SUCH AN INSANE LYRIC#but anyway yeah i think i prefer the jp version a good amount#another thing was um. and this might be a stupid thing to be weird about but. L's actor was too passionate for my tastes#<- that sounds insane but if you know anime L you know what i mean right. like hes pretty reserved#and i felt in the japanese production i watched L's actor there was still a great performer and singer like putting work into those songs#while still keeping that air of L being more reserved and like. flat almost? i feel like the guy playing L in the eng version was too much#like ''im BELTTTINGGGGGG HOW IM GONNA FUCKING CATCCHHHH KIRA!!!!!!!!!!'' like bro calm down......#ITS A GOOD PERFORMANCE it just doesnt read as L to me. and like thats fine whatever its an adaptation#but also in the japanese version they still did that adaptation while making L feel more like himself. so idk man#but anyway I WANNA SEE THIS NEW LONDON PRODUCTION SOOOOOOOO BAD#IVE SEEN PHOTOS AND IT LOOKS SO GOOD THE SET IS SOOOOOO COOL LOOKING OML#i need to see this musical live at SOME point in my life. pleaseeee can we get a north america production after this#serena.txt#death note posting
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🦭
#ok lol my social worker called me nd talked a little but so now i know they've approved it lmao.#ok i can relax abt that for now.. i still need a job tho 🥶#im not even against having a job like PLEASE i want one#i want to be financially independent#im good at saving nd stuff like plz plz#but yeah im 25 w no experience plus i have avpd so idek how to practically find a job#i just dont know. i realize that sounds stupid but my disorder is ssly limiting me 😭#fuck. still dont know if i can sleep bc im so stressed abt everything#also got me thinking abt how i dont wanna get old. like genuinely i dont want it#i want to be 50 max nd thrn im done. wnna blow my brains out lol#after my mom passes away (when shes old it's gonna be at least 40 more years!!!!!) im finished#so i want to live for the moment i rlly do. i want to fit as much good as i can now#plus global warming.. i rlly dont think life as we know it now will last that long#so anyway.. too much anxiety wtfffff idk what to do lol
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told bro id removed means... did not tell him that anything had happened
#i dont know hw to express it!#it sounds so stupid#'hi yeah i did x with suicidal intent but also to actually suicide i wouldve needed to do it diffeerently and i knew that and also i was#trying to not make noise so idk if it actually counts as a suicide attempt or anything but unfortunately what i did discover was it is not#in fact as unpleasant/painful as i had expected at least at that kind of time so suddenly it's a genuine Method On My Radar which is#extremely annoying!'#but yeah idk how to say that to him yknow? and i don't think there will be actual medical complications tho ik there can be. but yeah i#dunno im tired. i should tell the crisis assessment team this afternoon when they ring me but it sounds hard do you think it would be selfi#to tell brother and get him to tell them??#it sounds selfish and cruel and yet otherwise i dont think ill tell them and they. probably should know#personal#tw suicide#puddleglum hours
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reddit is such a great reminder that cis people do not understand gender or anything about modern gender theory at all. like no hate. i get it. but oh my god
#teeth.txt#post with a lot of people struggling with the concept of a non binary trans woman#and shockingly few people in the comments uh. explaining it#it was a fair question like the person who asked was like 'my friend just came out as a nb trans woman what does that mean'#but oh god the comments. lord.#'umm but that doesn't make sense that's contradictory#how can someone be non binary and also a woman??'#which like ok yeah not something you would just Know but#just kind of a peek into how my life is VERY different than yours lol#also you're a little annoying sorry to say. but not sorry because you are a redditor.#like yes i know it's not reasonable to expect that people understand concepts that they probably largely don't care about#it's just a lil funny#idk this sounds meaner than i think i want it to be#but also the tone of some of those commenters did feel a little bit 'god these stupid trannies don't understand the meaning of WORDS'#not that that was the intent but idk. it was not reading as charitable/self aware
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literally the catch 22 of making urself less to keep people around you directly leading to people leaving u bc you’re not opening up to them 🧍♀️
#like !!! I’m trying to be what YOU want!!! I’m sorry you didn’t want me like that and now you’re mad I’m fake ?!!!??!!#I’m trying so hard but I don’t think I have an authentic self to live confidently as#bc everyone says the only way to rly be happy is let go of expectations and be your real self and find your real people#but I don’t think I have a self tbh#I think I’m a collection of experiences and expectations and I don’t know how to return to the origin point#oh well I guess!!!!! lost cause!#‘you can’t give up everything for someone and call that love’ WELL WHAT IF ITS THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW TO LOVE ?!#yeah I’ll never have real love bc I only expect to love and not be loved#but let’s be entirely real. you can’t love a mirrorball ! a set of masks ! a changing thing !#and yeah I know it’s my fault I’m like that but it’s fucking impossible to stop#how can I take chances and live authentically like ??? what the fuck that goes against my like. core being.#idk I’m making it sound stupid but UGH#and then I just become upset later that they don’t love me the same. maybe it’s bc they don’t know me. like sure. they never asked.#but I never told.#i talk sometimes
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