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british-bombs · 4 years ago

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( TO BEAT THE DEVIL ) An introduction.

FORMAT: teleplay / novel

GENRE: horror, coming of age

LOGLINE: An interning demon drives a pair of twins cursed with obedience and honesty to kill their cult leader.

THEMES: Trauma, sexual abuse, domestic violence, victim blaming (particularly self blame), peer pressure, redemption, internalized homophobia, and religion.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Sexual abuse, violence, domestic and otherwise, manipulation, and death

EXTENDED SUMMARY, CHARACTERS, EXCERPT AND NOTES:

Carmine can taste it. They're hiding something. Humans have such a silly smell about them, turns an overwhelming shade of sweet when they've made a demonic deal. All four of these children have. He just can't figure out what, and more importantly: why.

It keeps him on the surface longer than he should be. Long enough that Lilith sees it fit to send him a fucking trainee? And if that wasn't insult enough, the trainees one of the eternal teenage know-it-alls.

He's already got four annoying toddlers to trail, and now there's one tugging his hand in the new generation's approach to soul-catching like Carmine isn't one of the best employees they've had since the turn of the century.

And somehow, to make it all worse, the trainee is good at it. And if Carmine wants to keep his spot at the top of the food chain, he's going to have to get the soul of that dumb bitch who's running the joint.

But, of course, the kid gets him murdered??? And then has the nerve to figure out how what those toddlers managed to stick their syrupy, grubby little hands in. What gives?

But two can play at that game. If he can't get the dead guy's, then he can have the next best thing.

Jesse has lived just under seventeen years, but he's ready to check out. Or he was. But of course, some selfish bastard had to come along and say you can't ever act on those thoughts again! Don't think like that!

And then the hole kept getting deeper.

Six feet deep, to be exact. He's got blood on his hands and no matter how fucking good it felt to cut off the air supply to the God who stole his innocence, it's probably not going to feel very good to watch his mom suffer through a highly publicized trial with headlines like CHILD MURDERS HIGH PROFILE BENEFACTOR!!!

Oh. Well. Billy did say if he really got in that deep, he could always strike up a deal. His soul, everything wrapped up in a nice little bow, sweet as Easter Sunday. But until then? Yeah, he's content to live in a stupid fucking Sherlock Holmes novel.

CHARACTERS:

JESSE NIX: A soon-to-be seventeen-year-old saddled with the curse of obedience. Unlike miss-lucky-Ella-Enchanted, he wasn't told to give away his mommy's locket. No-siree. He was told to give away his virginity. In his opinion, the only appropriate payback is a life. Maybe, one day, if he really snaps, he'll dig up Pastor Dallin's corpse and chop his dick off. Really stick it to the man. If he doesn't go to prison first, anyway. (spotify playlist)

NANCY NIX: Also a soon-to-be-seventeen-year-old, though saddled with the curse of honesty. It's really not so bad. That is, until she stumbles across the sight of her dearest little brother covered in blood for no reason he can push through his metal braces. She refuses to believe he did it on purpose. If only she could convince the cops without sounding like a nutjob. (spotify playlist)

BEVERLY PINES: A seventeen-year-old cursed to feel the pain of those around her. It makes for some fun family dinners with a sadistic mom and a missing dad. Distance nulls pain, but she can't ever seem to make it past state lines before her mom gets wise and breaks one of her ribs. Oh, well. She's got a bone to pick with psychos like her mom. Apparently, Pastor Dallin was one of them. She doesn't think she could stomach the pain of killing someone, so next best thing, right? (spotify playlist)

CLARICE ANDERMANN: Also a seventeen-year-old cursed to be constantly in motion. It's honestly not that bad. She's Yale bound! Perks of having endless energy for everything to cheerleading to debate contests, though she can't imagine her heart's going to keep up like this. It's already hanging on by a thread. That thread is named Beverly Pines and like hell she's letting it go to prison for nothing. (spotify playlist)

BILLY: An annoying fuck trapped in a seventeen-year-old's body. No curses. The opposite, in fact - blessed with a silver tongue and a keen sense of deduction. It takes him all of two hours to put together (almost) everything about Jesse Nix. He just didn't think he could push the repressed little fuck to murder that quick. (All the more power to him, though. Prison always makes people desperate and paranoid, AKA: an easy mark.) (spotify playlist)

MAVIS EVANGELISTA: Former housewife turned grieving widow turned revered prophet. If she got a little help from someone downstairs, then who's to know? They love her all the same. Now, she really, really wants to see how far she can push them all. (spotify playlist)

CARMINE: Just a helpful guy, passing through. Really doesn't need anything, just a little pledge, is all! And then? Then, you can have everything you want, fame, money, power, love. The sky is your limit. The water's fine! (Ignore the piranhas, they'll wait till you're dead to eat your face, just a little bit.) (spotify playlist)

NOTES:

- all of these characters have equal importance within the story.

- personal tag system for story stuff is '#tbtd' and character tags are just first name (ex: '#jesse')

- this is kind of really fucked up. the only reason i wrote it was cause i was thinking damn ella enchanted really is NOT fucked up enough. like i don't think the author of ella enchanted went dark enough. a locket? that's it? a bitch move. i'm taking it to straight murder and sexual abuse

- jesse transgender, no character straight except evil people

- i'm not entirely sure how tag lists work but i think i get the gist of them?? idk if you want rb or ask or something </3

EXCERPT:

There were moments, where she was reminded just how different this voice was, how violent.

She had found Lynette, making off with her makeup that she’d spent her own allowance on. Mavis doted on her and, from what she’d seen of other families, everyone else looked upon their little siblings with contempt, despising the burden they dragged along with their existence.

But Mavis adored Lyn. When she'd been born, her mother had come home with a tiny thing bundled in pink fleece. Mavis had taken to Lyn on sight, thinking Lynette’s headband adorned with a baby blue bow was the universe’s way of telling her happy birthday! as reparations for the ones her mother had missed while she was enduring her week long stay at the hospital.

But that mindset was a disease, one that had finally caught up with her. Had Lynette not become her burden? She was nineteen, busting her back day and night so Lynette wouldn’t have to, that she might avoid the life that Mavis had lived in those blissful six years where it was her and her alone.

Had her mother not tampered down her birthday celebrations since Lynette’s was so very close and they couldn’t afford double anyway? Had Lynette not deprived her of the teenage experiences she heard her classmates speak of, going out and tasting alcohol for the first time while Mavis followed a ten year old Lynette house to house so she could complain of a stomach ache after she’d devoured all the candy on the walk back home?

And now this! Stealing her few precious items, the few things she bothered to save up for, few things she bothered to keep hidden. For what? It wasn’t as though she was ever going to have the courage to ask a peer of her’s out. She was a thief.

One Mavis had made the mistake of taking care of. She should’ve embraced those stirrings of resentment, should’ve left Lynette to her own devices since Lynette didn’t appreciate anything, or even half of what Mavis afforded her. She should’ve left her out in the cold that Christmas. How could anyone have known? It wasn’t as though corpses could talk--

She had let Lyn take off with the whole case, as if to remind herself when she woke up the next morning what she had considered, how vile the thought was.

Lyn had never done anything unforgivable to Mavis. Mavis didn’t suppose she ever could. It was no fault of Lyn’s she didn’t understand what it was like to live with their father. How could she? It was a topic off limits to Lyn by both Mavis and their mother. After all, a child born blind doesn’t know until it’s pointed out to them.

And yet, she found guilt hard to summon. She did, but the speed at which it came, the strength, made her uneasy. What had happened to the girl she was? Lyn had been her world. What had changed?

Then, dully, that other voice, entirely of its own volition, said You did.

#wip intro #writers on tumblr #writeblr intro #wip #wip introduction #current wips #my writing #writing #current wip #writing community #original wip #tbtd #my work

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anxietysroomsupport · 3 years ago

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Hypermobile anon here. First, thank you so much. It's just nice to know there's someone here for me. And to give a little more info, I have a serious problem where if I'm not currently in pain. I don't remember how bad it was. I know everybody does this, but my brain literally checked out as I was going to bed recently and I fell on the floor. I nearly forgot to tell my physical therapist.about it because it didn't really hurt. So, I can't do the pain scale very well, and I never remember (1/2)

(2/2) It just makes it sort of hard for pain relief when I don't know I'm going to need it and don't have the energy when I do. Also, on the vitamin subject, I know that I've had vitamin d issues before (bad heat exhaustion and allergy scares = going outside less), bad enough that I was close to being diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I'm not sure about the others, but I do know I'm not amazing healthy, so? I take calcium pills for the vitamin d, though. Again, thank you guys for all your help.

We just got a bill from my PT place that says we owe money that we can't pay. They told us up front how much it would be with our insurance, and my mom's been paying each time, but it says we owe 177 dollars. Sure, it's not a lot, but we're not rich and trying to send a sibling to college. If we can't get this sorted out. I can't just not go. 10 exercises I can do at home and 5 appointments is not enough to help a chronic disorder. I cant focus and I have practice in 30 mins. -Hypermobility anon

Same day but later when I'm feeling a little better (my director was very supportive though so that's nice), I'd seen the letter and heard my parents talking a bit, but my mom told be as we got to school for rehearsal about PT. I got upset, and I felt bad because I could tell she felt bad because she didn't expect me to be upset, and in the heat of the moment I said "chronic illness" in front of my mom for the first time. She loudly (not quite yelling) (1/?) - Hypermobility anon

said to me "That is the most self-pitying thing I've ever heard. Chronic illnesses are like cancer". Sure, I probably should've said disorder and not illness, but I'm scientifically right. Then I said "It is, it's chronic pain, I am always in pain" and she said "Well then clearly PT isn't helping anyway" - I??? When I went in after 15 minutes after another girl, since we were both there for an hour and a half, I decided to stop trying too much to hide my crying (useful masks) (2/?) -HSD anon

since the other girl was in the hall to eat, and when I managed to explain to the director, she was understanding and nice, and when I said chronic, she said that I should never have to live with that, especially at my age. And when I mentioned not being able to sing at that moment from my crying, she pointed out how I was singing an empowering song that was about standing against the bad stuff in life, and I was perfect for it. I know my mom was just mad, but it just drained me.

Sorry I keep sending asks so often, I just feel like telling someone this. I decided to put 'zebra' in my bio. It's a thing that people with EDS and HSD sometimes like to call themselves. I like it, so even though I just have my name and pronouns, plus a random joke, in my bio, I added it. It just feels like a step in the right direction to remembering that I don't need google to tell me I'm dealing with this every 5 minutes. Accepting it, I guess. :) -HSD anon

My sleep schedule just keeps getting worse and I think it's my ADHD combined busy days and pain but I just never want to sleep anymore. I can't, I don't want to, and it hurts physically and mentally to just lie there and see if I can fall asleep. 80% sure my circadian rhythm changed to sleep at about 2 am but I get up at 7 and have a chronic disorder that's getting worse because of this I *need sleep*. And I'm so scared I'll mess up, want to make a side blog for it but want to make one (1/2)

for something happy first because I always figured that if I had side blogs they would be ask blogs or for fandoms or whatever. But I got a little better at not caring what other people think, so I haven't really needed one for fandom. But I looked through the tag and felt so comforted by some of the stuff that I just think it would help me. Maybe I'm just extra bad tonight because I went outside but also talked about it a fair amount with a friend I hadn't seen recently who didn't know. -HSD

I wanna talk to my physical therapist about hip braces because I tried a knee one we have and it honestly helps, but my hips are worst so I wanna see if it would help, but they're pretty expensive. It's hard to find dual hip braces, from what I've seen in my research, and even though one more than the other, both cause me issues. Idk, I'm conflicted, because it could help but is it worth all the effort? Also, even if it's under clothing it's still physical evidence (1/2) -HSD anon

(2/2) of my "invisible" disorder. Also, stopping exercises for a few days because of not feeling well from my covid shot reminded me of just how much time I spend on them, so it's another thing to deal with this. . . Idk, sometimes I just wonder if it would be better to just deal with it. I still have pain anyway, though it might be a little better. Less often, maybe? I don't really remember. It's not stressing at the front of my mind all the time, but the back of it. I'm just conflicted. -HSD

HSD anon here, idk if I mentioned it in an ask already, but recently I had a small breakdown because I was watching something where a character was in a car accident, as was trying to push through having trouble walking even with a hip brace. After a minute, I registered it and just thought "That could be my future". My joints had already been acting up and then they got worse, so I don't know if it was cause and effect? But I don't exactly know what to call it other than a trigger. (1/2)

Physical and emotional effect, at least I'm assuming on physical because I've had a bad reaction to something similar before, but like, I don't have trauma, I think it's more fear of the future. And I don't want to use trigger incorrectly, it's insensitive to those who actually have triggers. I'm just so confused.

Forgot to sign the last ask with 2/2 and HSD, whoops.

Hfnsiwk I'm not ready to walk into PT tomorrow and say that I don't think months of PT have been helping but I have no way to be completely sure because for all I know it's the weather since this is the first year I've known/it's been noticeable. Maybe it's just change, I don't know, but it just feels like such a waste of time if it really didn't help. Plus, I'd stop, and while that'd be great, I do enjoy being stronger, even if it didn't help pain. I have 12 hours and a bad pain day idek. -HSD

Hi Hypermobility Anon,

I think I found all your asks and got them in the correct order. And found your last ask!

I’m so glad you kept writing in. I think you should go ahead and make your side blog - you definitely have enough material for it. Wanting to make a happy side blog also is a great goal to have, but if you don’t know what it will be yet, don’t let that prevent you from doing something you know you want to do and that will probably help you.

You are dealing with So. Much. Your mom especially sounds like she just is not ready to accept the situation. It’s not self-pity to state your actual conditions. It’s just reality.

Forgetting about pain is normal, and really all you can do is try to write it down or make some kind of note about it in the moment or immediately after, so you can refer to it later. Maybe you can track your pain events in your phone notes.

I think your idea to add “zebra” to your bio is a good one, this is part of your life and just something you have to deal with. It sounds like you’re finding a community for this.

Sleep schedules are tricky, and feeling like you desperately need to sleep can make it so stressful that it starts a vicious little cycle. Some strategies to get around this are First, remember that just resting is okay and helpful too, even if you don’t fall asleep. Letting your body lay there to rest is good for you.

Second, if you’ve spent several minutes laying down without falling asleep, its okay to get up and walk around, or any small light exercise that’s comfortable for you. The goal with this one is to get out of the bed for a bit. It will help your brain to re-learn that the bed is for sleeping only, not for laying awake. That association can help signal to your brain to start its sleep-process when you get into bed at night.

Third, it’s really common to have a changing circadian rhythm during your teens and twenties. That’s just a thing that happens and you can’t do much about it, so just try not to worry too much. Sleep when it feels right and when you can, instead of trying to force yourself to sleep when you’re “supposed” to.

If hip braces would help you, you should definitely at least mention it to your physical therapist. You might research online for any used ones as well. A physical sign that you have pain can have good and bad consequences, but I think the good consequence of being in less pain far outweighs any others.

The triggering event you described is not so much a trigger as it is just a genuinely really upsetting situation. You related really strongly to the character you were watching, because they’re dealing with similar problems to you, and to problems you could have in the future. It’s a lot to process. But while you could potentially be in a car accident, remember that television is made to dramatize events and probably made it seem a lot more difficult and scary than it really would be.

Since we know you sometimes forget your pain, it’s safe to say that the exercises are helping you manage it, and you say that they’ve made you stronger in general. Those are good things, and I would recommend you continue the exercises you can do on your own even if you end of ending your physical therapy sessions. We don’t know yet if your pain might have gotten even worse without therapy. You’ll have to find that out on your own if you stop exercising, and then decide whether it’s more worth it to you to continue exercising or to live with the pain. Whichever you choose, it’s Your choice, Your body. Take care of yourself. <3

-bun

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likelightningafterthethunder · 3 years ago

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Like Lightning After the Thunder: Chapter One: Damned Smile

Fic Summary:

His breath wavered as he stared into Katsuki’s eyes. He knew he could get out if he tried. He could knock Katsuki out, hope that no one else would find them, and run back into the shadows where he belonged. Katsuki may have had him pinned down but he was in Denki’s range now and it would take little effort to send a charge through Katsuki to paralyze him temporarily.

It would take barely any additional effort to kill Katsuki.

As the sparks began to charge, lighting up the air around him, Katsuki refused to back down.

–

Katsuki always knew he was destined for great things.

He didn’t think he’d have to turn his back on all he’s ever known to get there.

Rating: T

Warnings: Eventual major character death, implied/referenced child abuse, psychological trauma

Other Tags: Bakugou Katsuki/Kaminari Denki, slow burn, alternate universe - canon divergence

Read on Ao3 (links to corresponding chapter) or read below

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter | Fic navigation to read the fic on tumblr

Even years later, that damn smile haunted his dreams.

There was absolutely no reason for him to still think about the event. Everything had been taken care of when it had happened― injuries were treated, authorities alerted, information secured, and a press conference to tie it all up in a big red bow. There were no loose ends, no surprise second coming, no physical reminders of what happened lingering in his daily life. Katsuki would have labeled it as done, dealt with, and no longer relevant, shoving it aside in his memory so he could focus on actual important shit.

Except his mind had different plans.

When he was lucky, he could completely forget about the event for months. Other times, his dreams would be filled with nothing but that damn smile, taunting him with its silence. He could usually predict when the dreams would come― the anniversary of the event for example― but other times, it seemed like anything could trigger the memory. He once saw a bright yellow balloon and for the rest of the day, every time he closed his eyes he saw that damned smile, never wavering despite the curses and insults Katsuki spewed.

He wanted to forget it. He wanted so desperately to forget it. For the image to erase itself from his mind, for it to take the feelings away with it. He could deal with the anger, he could always deal with the anger, but when his memory reminded him of the wave of hurt and betrayal that nearly blinded him…

When his alarm jolted him from his sleep and freed him from the smile, he couldn’t get out of bed fast enough. He woke up drenched in a cold sweat, sheets singed and smoking lightly as he unclenched his hands, and Katsuki was, for once, very relieved that not all of his sweat was explosive. He slapped the singes a few times to ensure that all of the embers were put out before heading for the bathroom, cursing under his breath as he flinched at his own reflection in the mirror.

There was nothing particularly wrong with his appearance, if you didn’t count the dark circles under his eyes from a fitful night’s sleep or his clammy skin, but after being plagued by the smile, Katsuki could barely look at himself. His reaction to the smile made him feel weak, like he couldn’t handle himself and that there was something wrong with him. It was just a smile after all. There was no reason for him to react to it like a nightmare, no reason for him to lose sleep over it or to feel overwhelmed by emotions at the thought of it.

Yet when he saw the smile and saw how the corners of his mouth were tugged a bit too tight, how his eyes were open a bit too wide, how the only shine in his eyes were the reflections of light on tears that refused to fall…

Katsuki cursed.

The icy cold shower did little to help distract him from the memory, nor did his morning run nor the steaming shower he took after. He wasn’t supposed to head into the agency today, so he didn’t have any planned beatdowns for today, and yes he probably shouldn’t be hoping for it, but part of him hoped for a sudden emergency villain so he could distract himself by focusing on beating some villain’s ass into next week.

A few hours later when his phone refused to stop buzzing, Katsuki wondered if throwing his phone across the room until it stopped would be close enough to beating villain ass to work. He reluctantly decided that talking to people so they’d leave him alone was probably less hassle to deal with than having to replace his phone and distribute his new number (even if it would give him an excuse to ghost some of these damn extras).

A few individual texts and a group text were the cause of the buzzing. As the group text’s new message count continued to rise, he figured it would be easier to respond to the individual texts first. Just in case he changed his mind about destroying the phone.

Four Eyes (Rocket Legs): Hello Bakugou, this is a reminder about the upcoming Class A reunion. As the head of the reunion committee, it is my duty to ensure an accurate headcount for the event, and I have yet to receive your response about your attendance. Please ensure to respond via the following link by this Friday at 11:59PM. [Class A 10 Year Reunion RSVP]

Four Eyes (Rocket Legs): In case you missed the previous messages regarding the reunion, the event is March 28th starting at 7PM at the Shinjuku Hotel in Musutafu. If you need to rent a room for the night or the weekend, please alert the Shinjuku Hotel staff that you are part of the Class A reunion party by next Wednesday for an event discount.

Katsuki frowned. He wasn’t exactly looking forward to the possibility of being surrounded by all of his former classmates and even less at the idea of being socially obligated to spend the entire evening with them. At least when he met up with his friends elsewhere, he could always claim needing to leave early so he could make the last train or that work needed him to come in early the next day.

He closed out of the conversation, figuring he still had a few more days to decide if he really wanted to deal with his classmates for an entire evening.

Midoriya: Hey Katsugou! I was wondering if you’re going to go to the reunion? Tenya said the deadline to RSVP is coming soon and we haven’t heard from you, so I just thought I’d check in!

Katsuki: The fuck is Katsugou?

Midoriya: Oh sorry!! Typo!!

Midoriya: Anyway, are you coming?

Katsuki closed out of the conversation and moved on to the next one.

Shitty Hair: Katsuki! Are you coming to the reunion or not dude????

Katsuki: Fuck off.

Shitty Hair: Aww dude that’s no way to talk to your best friend, you know you love me!!

Katsuki: I’m blocking you.

He did not, in fact, block him. But he did close out of Eijirou’s texts.

Save for the newest text sent directly from Eijirou, all that was left was the backlog of texts in the group text. It had kept going off while he was reading the other conversations, so Katsuki figured it meant that everyone was either off for the day or on their lunch break.

Raccoon Eyes: guys!!!!! the reunion is COMING UPPPPPP!!!!

Raccoon Eyes: i cant wait to s

Raccoon Eyes: ee all of u guys again!!

Tape Face: lmao you saw us last week

Raccoon Eyes: yes

Raccoon Eyes: an eteRNITY ago

Raccoon Eyes: and like

Raccoon Eyes: kats left early so we didnt have everyone

Raccoon Eyes: so it doesnt count

Shitty Hair: Yeah Katsuki don’t leave early next time!!

Raccoon Eyes: we just have to hold him hostage next time

Raccoon Eyes: or like

Raccoon Eyes: AMBUSH him

Tape Face: i can always tape him up

Raccoon Eyes: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES

Raccoon Eyes: tape him to the wall

Raccoon Eyes: and then like

Raccoon Eyes: steal his wallet

Raccoon Eyes: cant get on transit w no moneys

Raccoon Eyes: ei and han hold him down

Raccoon Eyes: i run to hide his wallet where he cant fi

Raccoon Eyes: nd it

Raccoon Eyes: probs keeps kats tapped to the wall all night

Raccoon Eyes: free up his arms so he can have a drink????

Tape Face: explosion palms dude

Raccoon Eyes: oh u right

Raccoon Eyes: he can just have a cup w like

Raccoon Eyes: a REALLY REALLY long straw

Raccoon Eyes: make sure u tape him up w his hands behind his back

Tape Face: you got it

Shitty Hair: He’s in this chat guys he’s going to see the plan

Raccoon Eyes: whatevs we can still totally blindside him

Raccoon Eyes: ANYWAYS

Raccoon Eyes: ure all going right?????

Tape Face: ya I rsvpd a while back

Shitty Hair: Yep!! Wouldn’t miss it for the world!

Raccoon Eyes: what about u kats

Raccoon Eyes: kats???

Raccoon Eyes: KAAAAAAAAAAAAATS

Raccoon Eyes: k

Raccoon Eyes: a

Shitty Hair: I’ll text him separately

Raccoon Eyes: t

Tape Face: he probably has this muted lmao

Raccoon Eyes: s

Raccoon Eyes: !!!!!!

Raccoon Eyes: how dare u ignore us

Raccoon Eyes: after everything weve done for u!!!!

Raccoon Eyes: thought we were ur ride or die hoes

Raccoon Eyes: dont tell me ur not going!!!!!

Raccoon Eyes: im so offended

Raccoon Eyes: how could u do this to us kats

Shitty Hair: Maybe he’s at work today?

Raccoon Eyes: boo

Raccoon Eyes: how dare he prioritize wo

Raccoon Eyes: rk over us

Raccoon Eyes: his best friends

Raccoon Eyes: the suns of his life

Raccoon Eyes: the bit of happiness in the cold

Raccoon Eyes: cold

Tape Face: coooooooooold

Raccoon Eyes: COOOOOOOOLD

Raccoon Eyes: thing he calls a heart

Shitty Hair: Lmao

Tape Face: its got a bit of warmth

Tape Face: most of it is his temper

Raccoon Eyes: boom boom POW

Raccoon Eyes: well while we wait for kats

Raccoon Eyes: help me pick some photos for the slideshow!!

Tape Face: are you doing only UA pics or some stuff since then

Tape Face: somehow iida managed to not specify lmao

Shitty Hair: The info email was like ten pages, how did he miss it

Tape Face: idk

Raccoon Eyes: ive got plenty for both!!

Raccoon Eyes: momo said pref UA pics but some new stuff is good too

Raccoon Eyes: show how far weve come n all that

Tape Face: oh cool let me get some opinions then too

Shitty Hair: Anyone have any pics of the camping trip from second year?

Raccoon Eyes: before or after todoroki and kats’ fight turned it into a icy hot springs

Shitty Hair: Both lmao but probably before it went to hell

Raccoon Eyes: image.png

Raccoon Eyes: ofc ive got us chillin in the springs

Raccoon Eyes: well most of us

Raccoon Eyes: kats u never get in the water w us :C

Raccoon Eyes: lets go to the beach next time!!

Tape Face: hed prob boil the water w you in it if you dragged him in lmao

Tape Face: spicy acid time

Raccoon Eyes: id like to see him TRY

Shitty Hair: Don’t tempt him lmao

Raccoon Eyes: image.png

Raccoon Eyes: i got like a shit ton more

Raccoon Eyes: should i send some of THE FIGHT

Shitty Hair: Maybe not

Tape Face: yes

Tape Face: well

Tape Face: depends on how many pissed off katsuki pics youre putting in lmao

Raccoon Eyes: OH

Raccoon Eyes: OHHHH

Raccoon Eyes: OHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Tape Face: ?

Raccoon Eyes: dude

Raccoon Eyes: do u have the POMERANIAN pic

Tape Face: o shit

Tape Face: image.png

Shitty Hair: I still think Katsuki should’ve taken that pup home

Shitty Hair: They’re matching!

Tape Face: image.png

Tape Face: i also have this one

Tape Face: when she tried to bite his nose off lmao

Raccoon Eyes: kats couldve named her king explosion murder

Raccoon Eyes: or just murder

Raccoon Eyes: p sure she wouldve tried to murder kats at least o

Raccoon Eyes: nce

Tape Face: lmao she basically tried when he found her

Shitty Hair: Maybe it’s for the best that he didn’t keep the pup

Tape Face: look what i found

Tape Face: image.png

Raccoon Eyes: AWWWW YES

Raccoon Eyes: LOOK AT USSSSS

Raccoon Eyes: we look FABBBB

Shitty Hair: Is that from the dance?

Tape Face: ye

Raccoon Eyes: guys what if we recreate that pic at the reunion

Raccoon Eyes: the fits?

Raccoon Eyes: immaculate

Raccoon Eyes: the pose?

Raccoon Eyes: perfection

Tape Face: hotel?

Tape Face: trivago

Shitty Hair: I’m down for recreating some pics!

Raccoon Eyes: yessssss

Raccoon Eyes: u have no choice either kats u gotta do it

Raccoon Eyes: wherever u are

Shitty Hair: Oh he replied!!

Raccoon Eyes: SWEET

Raccoon Eyes: what he say

Shitty Hair: He said fuck off

Tape Face: as expected

Shitty Hair: Lmao he threatened to block me again

Tape Face: thought he said he was blocking you last week

Shitty Hair: Yea exactly

Raccoon Eyes: HOW RUDE

Raccoon Eyes: as punishment for not paying attention to us

Raccoon Eyes: im gonna send this

Raccoon Eyes: image.png

Tape Face: LMAO whend you make that

Shitty Hair: Is that Katsuki with a cat face and ears

Shitty Hair: Dude I don’t know if he’s going to kill you for that or for the pink hair first lmao

Raccoon Eyes: lmao made it just now

Raccoon Eyes: well MAYBE if he ANSWERED us

Katsuki: Delete it.

Tape Face: O SHIT

Tape Face: you summoned him

Raccoon Eyes: NO I WILL NOT

Katsuki: Delete it Raccoon Eyes or else I’m coming for you.

Tape Face: are you coming for the left shoes and shittin in them

Raccoon Eyes: NOOOOOOO not my shoes!!!!!!!!

Tape Face: its just the left shoes tho

Raccoon Eyes: BUT THATS MY FAVE SIDE

Katsuki: What the fuck are you two going on about?

Raccoon Eyes: DONT COME FOR M

Raccoon Eyes: Y LEFT SHOES KATS IM SORRY

Katsuki: I’m not coming for your fucking left shoes. Or any of your shoes.

Katsuki: I will be coming for you if you don’t delete that picture, though.

Raccoon Eyes: FORGIVENESS

Raccoon Eyes: I BEG

Raccoon Eyes: PLSSSSS

Katsuki: Delete the picture.

Raccoon Eyes: ugh fiiiiiiiiiine

Raccoon Eyes: its deleted

Raccoon Eyes: i wont send it to momo for the slide show

Katsuki: Good.

Raccoon Eyes: IF U COME TO THE REUNION

Katsuki: Fuck off.

Shitty Hair: C’mon Katsuki!! It’ll be fun!!

Tape Face: ya it wouldnt do if we didnt have our exploding star

Raccoon Eyes: ill send momo WORSE if u dont come

Raccoon Eyes: nd u wont know WHAT til AFTER

Raccoon Eyes: so PLSSSSSSSSSS

Raccoon Eyes: PRETTY PLSSSSSSS

Raccoon Eyes: PLS COME TO THE REUNION

Raccoon Eyes: ill spam u a lot worse if u dont show us proof of rsvp

Raccoon Eyes: pls kaaaaaaaaats

Raccoon Eyes: kaaaaaaaaats

Raccoon Eyes: k

Raccoon Eyes: a

Katsuki: Ugh fucking fine, I’ll do the RSVP now then.

Raccoon Eyes: t

Raccoon Eyes: YAY

Four Eyes (Rocket Legs): Good afternoon, Bakugou! I just wanted to confirm with you that I have received your RSVP for the Class A reunion. As a reminder, if you need to rent a room for the night or the weekend, please alert the Shinjuku Hotel staff that you are part of the Class A reunion party by next Wednesday for an event discount.

Katsuki: image.png

Katsuki: Four Eyes is watching the RSVP form like a fucking hawk apparently.

Raccoon Eyes: YAAAAAY URE RSVPD!!!

Shitty Hair: You know him, always dedicated to his work

Tape Face: sweet

Raccoon Eyes: are u guys getting rooms

Tape Face: yea musutafus too far for a round trip

Tape Face: esp since itll prob end late

Shitty Hair: I got one for the weekend!

Tape Face: wbu mina

Raccoon Eyes: booked a room already!!

Raccoon Eyes: kaaaaats wbu

Raccoon Eyes: u should

Raccoon Eyes: we could have a brunch or lunch or s/t thats just us

Raccoon Eyes: plsssssss kats

Katsuki: I’ll think about it.

Tape Face: better than a no lmao

Shitty Hair: If they run out of space or if you decide last second, you can room with me dude

Raccoon Eyes: awww why not a yes

Katsuki: I haven’t asked the other Four Eyes for the time off yet.

Tape Face: is this four eyes no4 or no15

Raccoon Eyes: four eyes no69

Raccoon Eyes: no wait

Raccoon Eyes: no420

Tape Face: haha blaze it

Raccoon Eyes: BLAZE IT

Shitty Hair: It’s number 7

Katsuki: Fuck you, I don’t have that many Four Eyes saved in my phone.

Shitty Hair: I’d be surprised if you had 420 contacts period dude

Raccoon Eyes: would b hilarious tho

Katsuki: Yes, it’s Four Eyes number 7.

Shitty Hair: I was right!!

Katsuki: Why would I ask any of the other Four Eyes for time off? They’re not my fucking bosses.

Tape Face: dunno

Raccoon Eyes: idk maybe ure secretly dating one a

Raccoon Eyes: nd have to confirm that its ok

Raccoon Eyes: ARE U SECRETLY DATING A FOUR EYES

Raccoon Eyes: U HAVE TO TELL US IF U ARE

Raccoon Eyes: URE LEGALLY OBLIGATED

Tape Face: o shit

Tape Face: scandalous

Katsuki: Shut the fuck up, I’m not dating anyone, secret or not.

Raccoon Eyes: thats what they all say

Katsuki: Whatever. I’m not dating anyone.

Raccoon Eyes: kats n four eyes no420 sittin in a tree

Raccoon Eyes: k

Raccoon Eyes: i

Raccoon Eyes: s

Raccoon Eyes: i

Katsuki: I’ll blow up all of your left shoes when you’re not home.

Raccoon Eyes: n

Raccoon Eyes: NO

Raccoon Eyes: IM STOPPING DONT DO IT

Shitty Hair: Hey what do you guys think of this photo

Shitty Hair: image.png

Tape Face: dude yes

Raccoon Eyes: AWWWW OUR FIRST BILLBOARDS AS PROS

Katsuki: Do we really need to send them pictures? It’s not like we fucking forgot this stuff already.

Tape Face: you can be a killjoy if you want lmao

Tape Face: im sure mina will send more than enough to cover for you

Raccoon Eyes: U BETCHA

Raccoon Eyes: image.png

Tape Face: lmao why do you have a pic of katsuki throwing ei

Shitty Hair: I still can’t believe you did that bro

Shitty Hair: WITHOUT WARNING TOO

Katsuki: I gave you plenty of fucking warning.

Shitty Hair: Saying “I’m throwing you” AS YOU’RE THROWING ME is NOT PLENTY OF WARNING DUDE

Raccoon Eyes: im always ready to document golden moments

Katsuki: Shut the fuck up. We won the training exercise so what’s it fucking matter?

Shitty Hair: YOU THREW ME!!

Katsuki: Tape Face caught you before you could get hurt.

Shitty Hair: YOU /THREW/ ME!!!!!!

Tape Face: barely caught

Katsuki: Whatever.

Raccoon Eyes: im still impressed by how eASY u made that look

Katsuki: What the fuck’s that supposed to mean?

Raccoon Eyes: o look conveniently timed distraction photo spam

Katsuki sighed as he continued the conversation, commenting here and there on the photos his friends sent for judgement. In retrospect, he probably should have tried to talk to Shion first, since there was a chance she would have denied the time off for the reunion. Although, knowing her, she would have accepted just to force Katsuki into socializing. He opened up a new text message, figuring that if Shion did decide to deny the time off, he would at least have a screenshot to send to his friends explaining the sudden change in plans.

Katsuki: I need March 28th and 29th off.

Four Eyes (Shitty Shion): Do my eyes deceive me? The great Katsuki Bakugou, asking for time off?

Four Eyes (Shitty Shion): I’m amazed! Usually I have to ask you to take the day off!

Four Eyes (Shitty Shion): Nay, not ask, but force!

Katsuki: Are you going to give it to me or not?

Four Eyes (Shitty Shion): Depends! What do you need the time off for?

Katsuki: Class reunion.

Four Eyes (Shitty Shion): Oh those are fun!

Four Eyes (Shitty Shion): Fill out the proper time off paperwork and have it on my desk by Monday. I’ll approve the time off.

Four Eyes (Shitty Shion): Just keep your phone on you in case we need you to come in for an emergency, but I’ll try not to ruin your reunion with work.

Katsuki: Thanks.

Well, so much for an easy way out.

Katsuki pinched the bridge of his nose when he noticed that his phone had already accumulated another thirty texts in the past few minutes, no doubt primarily from Mina. He scrolled through the backlog, sending a few mostly empty threats when he saw photos he did not want projected for the entire class to see, freezing when his gaze met a pair of familiar amber eyes.

Shit.

In his scramble to close out of the photo, to escape the genuine smile that somehow was more haunting than the one in his dreams, he left the group text completely. He briefly thanked his past self; he’d impulse or rage quit the group text plenty of times before that this wasn’t unusual behavior. If he was lucky, his friends wouldn’t have noticed the timing of his departure and would assume he was just fed up with the notifications or the conversation.

Shitty Hair: You okay, Katsuki?

A weak laugh escaped Katsuki’s lips as he read the newest notification. Of course Eijirou noticed.

Katsuki: I’m fine.

Shitty Hair: Okay

Shitty Hair: We don’t have to talk about it

Shitty Hair: But if you want to, I’m here dude

Shitty Hair: I’ll tell the others that you left so your phone would shut up and not to add you back yet

Katsuki: Thanks. Really.

Shitty Hair: No problem dude

Katsuki put his phone down, silently praying for the smile to leave him alone.

When he finally laid down for bed that night, he repeated the short prayer, for a peaceful night’s rest free of the smile, of the hurt, of the pain, of the guilt.

But as always, the smile came.

#boku no hero academia #my hero academia #bakugou katsuki #kaminari denki #bakukami #kamibaku #katsuki bakugou #denki kaminari #bnha fanfic #mha fanfic #story #from the creator

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logangarfield · 3 years ago

Text

So....I don’t talk about my personal life on here hardly at all anymore but I feel like I should just give you guys a head’s up in case I go MIA for a little while cause that looks like it might happen. I’m gonna put it under a cut cause it might be triggering for some of y’all: -- DON’T reblog

So, my dad is an abusive drunk and lately he’s just been worse. He’s just....UGH. He’s started refusing to pay for my medical bills he previously agreed to and I’m too sick to work and he’s refused now to pay for my teeth (he agreed to pay and now that I have 13 teeth left (i have a genetic condition that rots my teeth), he refuses to pay for implants, a bridge, or even a flipper even though I’m missing my front teeth). And now, he’s cancelled our DirecTV because it’s “in his name” and he “doesn’t want anything in his name” because we all think he’s “the dickhead” and we’re “ungrateful” (he punched me in the head and has been verbally abusing me and my mom for YEARS so??) so he’s also cancelling our wifi since it’s “in his name”. My mom doesn’t think we’ll be able to afford it with the phone bill and who knows what else he’s gonna pull (everything for the house in his name BESIDES the actual house, that’s in my mom and dad’s name so he can’t just sell it) so I might be going MIA because my dad’s an abusive drunk. My mom did suspend his phone service at least since that’s in her name. But, without wifi, I can’t work and I also can’t post gifs or fics or work on my photography. As of right now, I still have wifi so I’m trying to rush through some gifsets and some fics to just have some more stuff to post until we can figure everything out and I’m trying to just fill up my queue as much as possible since idk when he’s gonna call and cancel. So, that’s what’s going on here so if I go MIA for a little bit, that’s why.

I might be able to go to my boyfriend’s parents’ house to do some stuff but that’s another story on why I don’t want to do that if I don’t have to do it for work. Same with going to my Grandparents'’.

(just a note I would normally put in the tags: it’ll be interesting to see how it all plays out just because he’s a tv watcher but has NO idea how any of the internet works. Netflix is in his name BUT, Disney+, Discovery+, Hulu, and Prime are all i my mom’s name, my brother’s name, and my name. He also thinks I cn just “play any movie” but has no concept of VPN and t***ents. So idk if he thinks he can still watch Netflix with no wifi and no phone service but we’ll see I guess. We all would have left if we had the money but none of us have enough money to leave)

#DON'T REBLOG #tw: abuse #kaylee talks #delete later

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alexandrablake · 4 years ago

Text

tags!

i’m definitely forgetting some, but oh well.

a list of the tags i use is under the cut! these are all subject to change because i’m fickle.

☼ my queue is #hey hey queue queue and it posts once at 3:30, 7:45, and 11:15 pm est

☼ my writing is under #eva writes occasionally

☼ if someone has used my tracking tag (#userablake), i reblog it under #tag! you’re it!

☼ self reblogging is #self rb! and scheduled posts are #this is a scheduled post!

☼ #eva look at this. is my reference tag (basically anything that i may need in the future - icons, how tos, resources, anything)

☼long posts with no cut are under #long post, and posts where i talk are under #eva rambles

☼asks are under #aks tag!

☼ i try to tag trigger warnings under #tw: (the trigger). i’m not the best at this, so please, please tell me if i haven’t tagged something accordingly. here is the list i have for tws i tag currently.

☼ fic recs are under #fic rec! (if you want me to read and give feedback on your fic, tell me! what i write is what i read for myself, but i will read anything!)

☼ posts about me fall under #so true bestie (i’m bestie)

☼ content that is mine (graphics or gifs or really anything like that) is tagged #*mine and probably has a #tumblr leave the quality alone challenge. stuff that isn’t mine is tagged #*not mine

☼stuff this isn’t current events or fandom related is more than likely about writing and falls under the tag #eva complains about writing (a saga)

☼ #sb! is my signal boost tag, and #rb bait is my tag for reblog bait

i want to give all of my moots a unique tag that they won’t have from anyone else. idk why, but i think it’s kind of fun.

if we’re mutuals, you’ll get a tag if you send me an ask or if i rb something of yours (if i remember lol). if you are at all uncomfortable with your tag, tell me and i’ll absolutely change it! or if you have an idea, feel free to send me that too!

this also serves as a blog rec of sorts!

the format will be the same though. it will all be #reference or joke (mutual name tag)

(so sorry to you when you get tagged, just doing some housekeeping- eva starting 1/28 at 8:03)

@duchesschameleon - #sing us a song you’re the piano man (charlie tag)

@greenaway-lewis / @aesthetically-poetically - #somewhere over the rainbow (lucy tag)

@hotchsbabygirl - #i think your house is haunted (anj tag)

@hurricanejjareau - #i like your funny words magic man (red tag)

@j3lle - #we are victorious (layla tag)

@jemelle - #can i go where you go (celie tag)

@jemilyology / @starryluthor - #we’re like sunflowers in the rain (aspen tag)

@jessiemei-li - #you’re so golden (marcy tag)

@lavenderbau - #i only wanted to see you in the purple rain (m tag)

@literateleah - #when everyone’s gone so sour you’re so sweet (leah tag)

@maura-rizzoli - #one for the money two for the show (abbie tag)

@qvid-pro-qvo - #the thirteenth princess (qvo tag)

@scandinavian-punk - #one single thread of gold tied me to you (yashasree tag)

@ssa-lukealvez - #once every seven days (yas tag)

@sunlightgalaxy - #always sunny in philadelphia (priya tag)

@taralewiz - #a rose by any other name (jas tag)

@temily - #baby you’re not dancing on your own (grace tag)

@winterscaptain - #with you ‘til the end of the line (tali tag)

#tag list #if you see this on your dash just ignore it because i’m trying to organize my blog rn #it’s not going well #navigation

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bigskydreaming · 4 years ago

Note

You’re a disgusting, abuse-survivor-shaming cunt. I hope you choke, I truly do.

So I get way more of these kinds of messages than I could possibly ever count. Have been for years. I don’t generally reply to them the way I mock some other hate messages I can at least have fun with, because like, what’s there to say about this kinda thing, y’know?

I don’t know how to get people to understand that there is NOTHING hypothetical about my anger about the things in fandom I get angry about. My rants about dark fic are PERSONAL, they have NOTHING to do with some arbitrary moral superiority stance. I don’t make assumptions as to others’ survivor status or motivations for writing various things because I don’t HAVE to, my anger and frustration are with the OUTPUT, not the inciting reasons.

My hostility towards fandom comes directly from the hostility fandom shows me every time people try to convince me that I have no reason to have the reactions I do to the way they interact with the extremely combustible topics that define my own trauma and that of others. And the fact that fandom at large has decided that the ONLY acceptable reactions from survivors upon seeing others engaging with these sensitive topics in any way they choose, is either to be silent, or to take part in it.

I don’t have to know which writers of which fics are or aren’t actually survivors attempting coping mechanisms of their own to be fucking furious at the way fandom has literally commodified these traumas, made them exploitable by making the catchphrase “some people write dark fic to cope” all-inclusive, utilized by anyone. With no shame or self-scrutiny as to the fact that YOU at least know if you are or aren’t a survivor, and if you aren’t one, you have ZERO business offering this particular line up as a defense to any survivor taking issue with the ways you embrace particular topics in particular ways.

The only things I have any interest in shaming people for is their choices, the fucking CHOICE to turn on any survivor who dares say “I have issues with this take” and this goes for abuse as much as it does rape. I’ve lost count of the number of authors over the years who HAVE spoken of being rape survivors specifically but then turn around and treat childhood physical abuse as their personal playground, with none of the care they put into crafting rape storylines on display when they casually have male abuse survivors punching each other in every other argument and just citing ‘boys will be boys.’ I can have sympathy for their status and experiences as rape survivors while still being upset at how they simultaneously perpetuate so many of the untruths that make it so hard for abuse survivors to affirm that they have actually been abused rather than call it something that its not, something that they’ve seen writers call it because the writers simply don’t want to inspect the fact that they’ve casually and without awareness written their characters abusing another.

It’s not a zero sum game.

I get angry not because I feel powerless in my own life (I don’t, actually, thanks, I’ve taken actionable steps every single day to fix what’s wrong in my own life and lol that’s power baby), and not because I’m fixated on my own trauma and unwilling to move past it (lol yeah I have no money to spend on anything BUT therapy because I’m committing to the highly specialized and expensive therapy I only arrived at after years of trial and error with other forms because I just don’t want to move past any of this, okay sure).

Nah, I get angry because of the galaxy brain intellects who smarmingly just decide on this view of me for themselves, condescension dripping from every ‘well-meaning’ expression of contempt sympathy, with zero examination of the fact that like.....idk guys, its a little hard to move past my trauma when everyone ELSE seems more fixated on it than I do! LOL, so we’re just gonna skip merrily on by the fact that the only reason its an ISSUE for me in fandom is because its EVERYWHERE in fandom, huh? ‘Mind the tags’ people parrot mindlessly, as though its not like tags HAVE to be created with self-awareness for what people are supposed to mind, or like I haven’t had people literally try to trigger me with tags aimed specifically at getting under my skin as ‘payback’ for something I wrote (out of moral superiority, naturally, not a visceral display of emotion, never that). As though the tags have anything to do with the fact that even outside of Ao3, there are incest-themed shipping weeks every single month of the year, that every major discord server and fic exchange and other fandom wide event demands participants be ‘ship-friendly’ which might as well be code for ‘not friendly to anyone who doesn’t prioritize ships over survivors,’ like fandom hasn’t created a culture in which people are more inclined to be defensive over how people make writers FEEL about stuff they’ve written than they are to be defensive over how certain writing makes various survivors feel.

I’ll never get over how a fandom that universally expressed disdain for Devin Grayson’s disrespectful handling of the sensitive topic of rape has obliviously embraced every form of euphemism under the sun for their own content, and just flat out REFUSES to concede that there is ANY room for criticism in ANY handling of even the most sensitive of topics. Because there’s no sensitivity allowed when it comes to any topic in fandom....unless its the writer’s sensitivity, that must be respected at all costs.

Does that not really strike you as....odd? Aren’t there lines out there about how no society or culture or environment that truly embraces free speech can simultaneously embrace freedom from criticism? And yet time and time again, its anyone who dares criticize - in ANY fashion - the HOW of what someone wrote, not even the WHY, they’re the ones termed authoritarian, censor, the one attempting to SHUT DOWN conversation rather than expand upon it. Tell me, what conversation was THIS anon and similar ilk attempting to invite? Every criticism I write of fandom invites people to engage with it. I fucking BEG people to engage with it. You’re the ones who choose not to. At least not in good faith. Because its only when I refuse to let you move the goalposts from anything other than this being about me reacting to what you wrote, no aim at doing anything other than being a reaction to an action, not an attempt to tell you what to do, just an attempt to get you to tell me WHY, if it really is as defensible as you loftily claim it is - then why is it you just can’t tell me, straight to my face, that it doesn’t matter what negative reaction your writing evokes, you don’t actually have to care? Cuz you don’t, of course. But if you’re that content with your own motivations, your own impact, why so uncomfortable just saying that?

The funny thing is, I truly don’t make any assumptions as to the why of anyone writing dark fic. I have a lot to say about the fact that we all know damn well that at least some of the people offering up the ‘some survivors use dark fic to cope’ aren’t speaking of themselves when they do so, but I have ZERO interest in imagining who that is and why. I’ve spoken of the fact that its willful naivete to assume that even if your own motivations for writing certain content are innocent in your own mind, you can’t assume the same of EVERYONE. That its nothing but willfulness to pretend that actual predators don’t peruse the same content. That the very same factors that make Dick Grayson so appealing to survivors, for example, as a strong heroic character who neverthless has been victimized and violated more than once - the flip side of this coin is this of course makes him EQUALLY appealing to people on the other end of things....a strong heroic character who nevertheless can be victimized and violated more than once.

And yet I honestly, truly have no interest in figuring out who might be whom, when it comes to writers, and I don’t assume everyone who writes or reads certain content in certain ways is in the latter camp. IT DOES ME NO GOOD, to go through life assuming that many people are all potential rapists or inclined to side with my own rapists’ or abusers’ side of things. I CHOOSE to give people the benefit of the doubt there, I assume perhaps they ARE survivors trying in good faith to cope with their own trauma and defensive about hearing that butts up against with other survivors trying to move on in other ways, or that they’re simply people who grew up in fandom being told there is nothing they can write that can be termed wrong, and have trouble with such a deeply held conviction being contested. Or perhaps only got into shipping incest because the ‘fandom elders’ of various fandoms like SPN deliberately and with full intent once upon a time pitched incest as being the same kind of taboo relationship that the same kind of people who forced gay men into secretive relationships were against....that incest ships and closeted gay ships were basically the same, and so as the latter became less of a thing as media showed more open gay relationships, incest ships became more of a thing among fans who were really compelled by the secretive/’society’s against them’ aspect of forbidden love.

I don’t assume any of that on a ONE TO ONE basis with any single writer or reader because I don’t KNOW their personal story and I’m not TRYING to. It makes no difference when I’m not talking about or arguing against the WHY of someone doing a thing, but the HOW. The end result, and the interactions it creates in the environment in which their output is published, shared, celebrated.

All at the expense of any survivor who doesn’t enjoy seeing things they’ve struggled with getting taken seriously about, maybe all their lives....not taken seriously, and offered up as just a themed week on the latest fantasy porn prompt generator. The problem with incest shippers isn’t even just ‘you ship incest, why do you do that,’ its that you can’t seem to manage to do it without assuming anyone who objects is only doing so out of a place of moral superiority. You try and make it a hypothetical argument “well what about when you do this” as opposed to something rooted in the here and now of the personal. We’re not talking about what ifs, we’re talking about what is. Deal with that before you try raising something else, instead of always raising something else so you never have to deal with that.

The problem is people condescendingly assuming we have ZERO basis for any objection, or any negative reaction at all. Its our own fault, you see, for being too stupid to get that fiction doesn’t affect reality (even though we’ve debunked that time and time again). Its our own fault, you see, for not getting that its not really incest BECAUSE (a claim that is never actually as universal as it tries to pretend to be, and thus is never more than a distraction for the specific argument that prompted it). Its our own fault, you see, for not getting that this isn’t really a big deal, there are bigger problems, and its awfully sad if we’re so fragile and delicate we can’t handle someone enjoying something that has nothing to do with us (even though its never your call whether or not it has anything to do with us, just as its never our call what your specific motivations for writing specific content might be).

The problem is the same thing I’ve been dealing with all my life, and all the more exhausting for it being front and center in fandoms that claim to be escapism and catharsis for survivors....as long as those survivors perform in the manner fandom is comfortable with....aka the manner fandom has exploited and commodified in order to make certain manners of enjoying certain topics possible and defensible for ALL fans, regardless of their own connection to such topics, or motivations surrounding them.

Denial, avoidance, and abdication of responsibility. There’s no problem if YOU don’t see a problem, after all. There can’t be a problem if you just refuse to acknowledge a problem. A problem has nothing to do with you if you simply have nothing to do with it.

And all the while, you continue engaging in the same behaviors that provoke the same reactions that you refuse to ever actually engage with or address, relying on gaslighting to try and sell people and everyone around them that THEY’RE the real problem....its us that have no respect for freedom of speech, creativity or the creative process, other peoples’ traumas, the difference between fantasy and reality, etc etc ad nauseam.

We see people waving away instances of physical abuse with textbook abuse apologism, and we’re told we don’t know what we’re talking about. We see people offering up wording and phrasing in the comment sections of fics that are literally textbook grooming techniques we recognize from our own experiences and we’re told we’re imagining things. We see characters raping others without it being described as rape and we’re told we didn’t mind the tags, even though oddly enough, none of the tags actually said ‘rape’ but rather other euphemisms and if they aren’t in place to tell readers not to expect actual rape in the actual fic, then, what purpose is it they actually serve, again?

But sure.

Talk to me some more about survivor-shaming.

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eyes-like-a-pisces · 4 years ago

Text

Rules: Answer 10 questions, tag 10 people and make another 10 questions.🧜‍♀️

Questions from my astrological twin: @maiden-song 💕

1. if you could choose to glimpse the afterlife, would you?

Yes, I would. I think a lot about It.

2. under what circumstances do you think you past life was lived?

I could have had many past lifes. I think I was a native american, cause I've always felt bonded to their tradicion and same with China, cause when I hear the sound of Erhu - traditional chinese instrument, something wakes up in me. I've also always wanted to see Sweden & Finland, so maybe I was doing something there... I mean, I could do anything. I see myself in biblical times, as well as middle ages. I could be a renaissance artist, as well as dying of hunger during victorian era, or something, and that's probably why I'm still careful with money, haha. For my latest one, I think I could have been a hippie in the 60/70s and had some drug use experience, cause when I was a child I used have dreams about taking drugs, even if I didn't know anything about It. I also had some experience with psychics (and "psychics"), my mom had a past life regression and she told me she saw me few times... I don't take anything for granded, but reincarnation is one of my favourite theories.

3. what three skills would you instantly master if you had the choice?

Playing every instrument, speaking every language, singing beautifully

4. would your rather no passion or no pain?

No pain. Everything is needed in life, but you know, enough is enough.

5. if you had a chance to leave this world and go to another one, would you take it?

Depends of the world and who I would meet there. Even if this world can be cruel and disappointing at times, I still have some love for him and humanity.

6. if you could smell like anything in the world, what would it be?

Like the first day of spring, when you go outside and the air smells different. Or a storm.

7. do you feel like common interests or philosophical comparability are not important?

They are very important. I can't imagine a relationship without similar interests, views. You either get bored or fight constantly. I think that the whole point of searching a partner is trying to find things you got in common. The more similar you are, the more understood you feel and more you are attracted to them. That's my experience at least. That's a very basic example, but as you may noticed, I'm very much into music and I was dating a guy, who wasn't into music that much at all. I thought It doesn't matter at first, but then I started feeling like I'm missing my favourite way to connect with other person. Once I met a guy who loved music as much as I do, I'm sorry to admit It, but my partner became unattractive to me.

Similar interests and views are needed at the beginning, to bond with somebody, and later, to simply enjoy spending time together (thanks Captain Obvious). I mean... chemistry and good will are not enough for a relationship to last. Don't get me wrong, I don't think you have to be identical and agree on everything - some differences can be inspiring, balance your relationship and teach you something new. It's also ok and even needed, to have some separate hobbies, things that you like to do on your own. There are also other important things, like, if you equally care about each other and if you are on the same page in general, but I can't imagine not agreeing in the key points and things that are the most important to you. And the only person who can decide what is the most important is the person who is in that relationship, no matter if It's about interests, philosophy or religion. But beside a romantic relationship, I think It's good to be surrounded by different people and listen what they got to say.

8. if there was one mystery you alone could learn the answer too, what would it be?

The mystery of life in general. Why we are here, is there any destiny, how we are connected, how this universe works, what happens after death...

9. in your opinion, is there anything more important than love?

No :) (I'm not talking about putting your relationship before other things. I'm talking about love as a big force and meaning of this universe)

10. describe a new planet you would live on, if you could.

I want things to be diverse, monumental... Maybe another moon, why not. As a concept of the world, I wish there would be peace :) everybody has their safe place to live, will to live, passion, purpose, someone to love and who loves them back. Amen.

Questions from @mybloodiedvalentine 💕👯

1. What is an unpopular opinion you hold you about which you feel strongly and with which you seem to notice a lot of people disagree?

Nothing specific comes to my mind at the moment (that I haven't mentioned before). I sure have some, but what's unpopular opinion in general and what's unpopular opinion on tumblr, are two different things. Maybe, that the "tumblr positivity" is not really helpful. Like: "in case you need to hear this: you are smart, you are loved... ". How do you know that? Those are just empty words. But It's better to spread positivity than negativity, of course.

2. What is the nicest thing a stranger has ever told you that you can recall?

Oh, I had a few situations like that... This is so lovely, when a stranger wants to just be genuinely nice, not just catcalling you...For example, when I was with my 3 girlfriends at the club and 2 ladies in their 40s where like: "excuse me, we just wanted to say that we can't stop starring at you all, cause you are the priettiest girls in the club." And we were like: aww, omg, you are beautiful too, come dance with us. And we were all dancing in our witches circle ignoring all sweaty men around us, haha. Or when my mom went to the the same hair saloon as me and asked hair dresser if she remembers me and she said that she does and that I'm nice and intelectual. I'm her faithful client now ;_; (Sorry for sucking my own dick, but It was nice to remind myself about these situations).

3. Has a piece of art or music ever made you cry? If so, do you remember a specific moment?

Crying to music is my passion. The latest intense moment was few days ago. I was loading a dishwasher at night and I played some music and then "lover you should've come over" by Jeff Buckley came on and sudden wave of lonelliness hit me so hard, that I just had to put down the plate, hide my face in my hands and weep ✌

4. What’s your favourite piece of clothing?

Idk, maybe my Penny Lane coat :)

5. What’s a random childhood memory that fills you with a deep sense of comforting nostalgia?

Sledding with kids during a very cold winter in my home town, until It got dark and snow looked like sprinkled with glitter and having my freezed feet warmed up with a hair dryer, when I came back home, haha.

6. What is/was your favourite thing about your mom? If not your mom, your dad? Or best friend?

My favourite thing about my mom is that she's tolerant and open minded. I didn't have to lie to her or pretend I'm someone I'm not because of that. My favourite thing about my dad is that he actually cared about being a parent, even tho my parents divorced. I respect that he has unwavering morals and huge knowledge about a world - biology, astronomy, music, art...- subject doesn't matter- but he is very modest about It.

7. What’s something you learned on your own of which you’re proud?

Playing guitar

8. When was a moment in your life you remember laughing the hardest?

I was playing cards since I was a kid. After few years, when I was about 13 y. o. I got the first poker, a royal flush. When I saw my cards, I'm not sure why, I just coudn't believe my luck, I started laughing so hard I almost died.

9. What do you like to do when you’re having a hard time mentally that invariably calms you down?

Really depends of the kind of situation and if It's triggered by something or just a longer period of time feeling in a certain way. The is no a magic trick, but some things might be helpful. When It's concrete situation, at first, when the feelings are really intense, then I just can't calm down. Every try to do so, has a reverse effect. Like, I CAN'T THE FUCK CALM DOWN and It makes me even more angry. Brain needs about 20 min to chill, if It's not triggered, so It's better to be left alone and just go mad a little until brain will have enough haha. Have a good cry, listen to some music, have a lonely walk, write my feelings down etc.

I like to listen to Teal Swan on youtube. She's a spiritual teacher. I know, It might not sound encouragingly, but she actually seems very down to earth. She has a video about like, every emotion and every problem ever. She's very good in naming feelings, rationalizing them and It makes you feel more understood. And It calms me down as result. ASMR doesn't work for me, but I remember that at some point I liked to listen to sounds of the nature, like rain, waves etc + guided meditation to fall asleep.

Music always helps in general - listening, playing guitar, singing. I also like to take an oil and do a face massage. I'm really sorry if I sound like an instagram influencer 🤢, but when you feel bad for a longer time, you frown and there is a tention in your jaw, it can be really relieving. I follow instructional videos on yt.

When I have a longer period of going into downward spiral, then every way to distract my brain is good - TV shows, internet content that is not related to my life situation (although, sometimes It's good to distance yourself from social media), for example, I like criminal podcasts, cause they are occupying enough to distract a miserable brain, meeting somebody, going to a place I've never been before. + any kind of shedule, reason to leave the house, any goal, anything positive to look forward to and having even the simplest things done, is a blessing (even if sometimes It's the last thing I wanna do). I also tend to be much sadder in the evening, so I just go to sleep. When nothing works, then It's time for the professional help.

10. Do you have a favourite holiday memory?

Discovering Cocteau Twins.

Best regards if u actually read all that chatter, but those questions were so interesting, that I couldn't limit myself to one sentence answer (in most cases).

My questions are:

1. Who or what was the most influential for your music taste?

2. If you could time travel, where and when would you like to go first?

3. If you could be someone from an opposite gender for a day, how would you like to look like and what would you do?

4. Do you have a style icon/inspiration? Or a favourite designer? Desribe your dream clothing style

5. What's the song by a band/artist from your country that you could recommend? (From your hometown or state eventually)

6. What is the most rebellious thing you've ever done?

7. Has ever something in your life happened, that you coudn't explain with logic?

8. What 5 objects someone could use to summon you?

9. What is your favourite name from your culture's language? And outside your culture's language?

10. What's a song you normally wouldn't admit you like or different from music that you usually listen, but still enjoy?

I tag: @winterdryad @bowiepop @nightmare @confusion-in-the-sea-of-sorrow @l0w-budget @numberoneblind @mirandasinclairs @mysticbride @leperwitch @comeacrossthedesertnoshoeson @hexafu @mielmelancolie @arcane-delight

#don't reblog this or any of my personal posts please #and thank you

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gaylotusthatexists · 5 years ago

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Tomorrow Will Come

CHAPTER ONE

fandom: black friday

pairings: ethan/lex

words: 1583

trigger warnings: swearing, abuse/neglectful household

All Lex wants is to get out of Hatchetfield, to get to California where she and her sister can start a new life. But navigating her current life in Hatchetfield is proving to be more difficult that it seems. However, returning to school after having taken a year off, she meets a boy who just might change that.

an: me? writing somethings other than sanders sides? yeah, never thought i'd see the day either. this is a prequal to black friday that i'm writing because ethan is making me sad and he (plus lex and hannah) deserved better. also i'm lowkey obsessed with black friday rn so like what are you expecting. anyway, hope y'all enjoy this?

next chapter | ao3

The morning sun warmed her skin as she walked down the street, wishing that she was anywhere else. California - that's where she wanted to be. Away from Hatchetfield, away from her mom, away from this life.

But she couldn't leave. Not yet. This was her first day back at school, the first day of her trying to get her shit back together. If she could just get through this year, pass her exams and get some sort of qualifications, she could get a job and save up and soon enough she would be out of here. Just her and Hannah, starting a brand new life.

"Okay, Banana, here we are," Lex said, spinning ninety degrees and letting go of her little sisters hand. "Just head on through that gate-"

"Don't leave."

Lex sighed and closed her eyes. "Hannah-"

"Don't leave."

She crouched down so that she was eye level with Hannah and attempted to smile, but she was afraid it came off as more passive aggressive. "You need to go to school, and so do I. So just head on through the gate, I'm sure your friends are waiting on the other side."

Hannah looked down.

"I'll be back later," Lex promised. "As soon as school has ended for you, I'll be standing right here to take you home, okay?"

Hannah kept her eyes fixed on the ground. "Right here?"

"Right here," Lex confirmed. "As soon as you leave the gate."

"Promise?"

"Cross my heart."

Hannah's head tilted up, looking through the school gates. "What if it's bad?"

Lex shook her head. "It won't be bad. You'll have fun. You like school, remember?"

"I liked school," Hannah said.

"So what's different now?" Lex asked.

Hannah didn't respond.

"See? There's nothing to be afraid off." Lex rose back up, now looking down at Hannah who still wouldn't budge. "Hey, how about after school we go to the bakery? I'll get you one of those cakes that you love."

Hannah glanced up. "The yellow icing?"

Lex smiled. "The yellow icing. If you make it though the school day, I'll get you one. As a treat."

Hannah smiled back. "Okay."

"Then it's settled!" Lex stood back. "I'll see you after school, okay?"

"Right here?"

"Right here."

"Goodbye."

Hannah turned and walked through the gates, and Lex let out a sigh of relief. She stayed for a moment longer, watching Hannah until she entered the building, just to be sure that she got there alright. When Lex was certain that her sister was safe, she turned and continued on her journey to her own school, a couple streets over.

She silently cursed herself for promising to buy Hannah that cake, having no idea where she would get the money from. There wasn't really anyone at school who'd lend her a couple dollars, but theft wasn't really off the table...

Shut up, she told herself. Obviously theft is off the table. She couldn't get into too much trouble this year. Not after the trainwreck that last year was. She just needed to make her way through high school, secure a good enough job, and get out of this town.

She'd find the money somewhere. She must have had a few coins lying in the bottom of her backpack - she could check later at school. And if not, she could always cut back on lunch. She'd snatched a couple dollars off the table before she left the house, whilst her mom was still asleep, so that she'd have a little money to spend on lunch - she'd already used up the rest of their food for Hannah's lunch. It wasn't as if Lex needed to eat, though. She'd be fine.

But of course, if she was really desperate, maybe she'd be able to make the workers at the bakery pity her. She'd done that act a little more times than she probably should have, and it didn't always work but it wasn't as if she didn't have a shot. Maybe she'd get lucky and be served by an employee that didn't want to murder her.

Lex reached her own school far too soon for her liking. Part of her wanted to carry on walking around the back of the school for a cigarette before classes started, but she stopped herself, because this was the year that she'd be responsible. If not for her sake, then at least for Hannah's. Besides, she didn't have any on her - deliberately, as she'd known that it would be far too tempting if she did.

She walked through the gates and towards the building, eyes locked on the ground and hands in her pockets, trying her best not to draw any attention. People were probably wondering what she was doing back, what she was doing last year. Or maybe people had already forgotten about her, maybe nobody really cared about her presence at the school - that seemed to be the far more likely option, the more she thought about it.

Somebody shoved past her shoulders in the hallway, causing her to stumble to the side and almost fall over it. After regaining her balance, Lex glared at the culprit. "Hey, watch it, asshole!" she shouted.

The culprit turned around and looked at her, a mixture of concern, regret, and fear swirling in his eyes. "I'm sorry, I didn't-"

"Fuck off!" Lex turned around and began walked in the opposite direction, not really caring about what the guy had to say for himself. She didn't want to start a fight, not yet. Not so early in the school year.

Just make it past today, she told herself, turning a corner to head round the long way to class.

When she reached her classroom, she continued with her eyes locked on the ground, and found a seat at the back window. Slumping down in her chair, she looked out across the field, realising that she didn't miss this at all.

It's just this year, she kept reminding herself. Then California.

Somebody sat down next to her and she groaned. "Do I know you?"

Placing his bag under the table, the guy replied, "We just met."

She turned her head towards him, confused before she realised who it was. "Oh, God. Seriously?" It was that guy, the one who had quite literally bumped into her.

"I just wanted to apologise," he said. "Really, I didn't mean to push you."

Lex rolled her eyes. "Sure you didn't."

"I'm telling the truth." He drummed his fingers on the table. "I'm really sorry."

"Well." She closed her eyes. "Now that you've apologised or whatever, you can go and sit with your friends and leave me the fuck alone."

He blinked. "I was actually-"

"Okay, class, settle down," the teacher said, walking into the classroom. He began to take the register and teach his lesson, so the guy didn't budge.

Lex supposed that meant she was stuck with him for the rest of the school year. Perfect. Just perfect.

She spent the first lesson not really paying attention and instead stealing glances at him every now and again. He had dark brown, curled hair, shaven a little at the back, and wore a worn-down black leather jacket. He seemed to be concentrating very hard on the lesson, although every now and then he'd glance at Lex and she would quickly look away.

When the lesson ended, Lex stood up and grabbed her bag, attempting to exit the classroom before he could talk to her again. She wasn't planning on making any new friends this year. She didn't have time for that, not between desperately trying to pass her classes and taking care of her sister. For now, she kept her head down and ignored anyone who tried to slide into her life.

She didn't meet that guy again until last period, in Mr Houston's class. He approached her again and spent the whole lesson by her side, with Lex silently planning the best way to murder him.

"Why are you talking to me?" she finally asked him, when Mr Houston set them off on a task.

He frowned. "Why wouldn't I talk to you?"

"I don't know you," she said. "We don't know each other."

"Oh. Well-" He reached out a hand. "I'm Ethan Green."

She rolled her eyes. "Knowing your name doesn't mean that I know you."

"How are you supposed to get to know me if we don't talk, then?"

Lex groaned. "Is it so hard to understand that I don't really want to talk to anybody?"

Ethan hummed. "You weren't here last year, were you?"

She shook her head. "Obviously not."

"Did you just transfer here?" Ethan asked.

"No." She sighed. "Well, not really. I didn't come in last year, but I was here the year before that."

"Why?"

"You ask a lot of questions that really aren't any of your business."

"I'm just curious," he defended. "You seem like a nice enough person."

Lex laughed.

"What's funny about that?"

She sighed. "I think literally everybody else in here would disagree with that."

The bell rang.

Lex smirked. "Well, I'd say it's been nice, but it really hasn't." She grabbed her bag again and began to walk out, but Ethan still ran to catch up with her.

"Do I get a name yet?"

"Nope," she said, popping the 'p' and turning the corner. Ethan seemed to stop following her after that, and she let out a sigh of relief.

One day of school done. One day closer to California.

thank you for reading! imma try to get the next chapter out soon (maybe at the weekend? idk.) if you want to be tagged when that happens, let me know :)

#tomorrow will come #black friday #black friday starkid #black friday spoilers #black friday fanfic #starkid fanfic #ethan/lex #ethan green #lex foster #hannah foster #my fanfic #my writing

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found-in-another-me · 5 years ago

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BACK IN BLACK - Tony Stark x Reader

This is so Fifty Shades of Grey and I'm honestly sorry for it. Thank you for your support, it means a lit to me! I got ask for a tag list and... I can add you if you want. Just leave a dm or a comment. Or leave some support in general.

Actually I don't like that "sugar daddy" stuff but it fits so much into the story, I had to use it. And I already have ideas how the reader can deal with the decision. Stay tuned!

Warnings: mention of sex?? Sexual tension?? Language?? Idk tho, I will add if something triggers you.

Taglist: @tiphareth2018

Chapter 3 - an arrangement

„See you on Monday!“ You said with a cheering voice as you left the building. Finally your work was over and now you just had to survive a simple date. In your thoughts this constantly looked like a war where you had to win, but actually it was just having a drink together. Why would he want to meet you? You waited at the front door, when suddenly a black car parked right before you. When the window drove down, you could see Tony, wearing his sunglasses. Slowly he turned his head into your direction, his glasses slowly drifting down his nasal bone, to take a proper look at you.

„Not the kind of clothes I’m used to see, when I go on a… how did you call it again? A ‚date’“ he smirked at you. „I’m sorry, Mr. Stark, my workplace doesn’t allow me to wear slutty outfits, you're usually used to.“ You gave him the friendliest smile and he just shook his head, grinning. Seemed like it was him who gave you the biggest confidence boost, without even noticing. „Would you finally join me? It's getting lonely in here.“ That was, when you got around to sit into the car, right next to him on the back seat. This man had everything he needed, so why would he want to see you again? „Well, Mr. Stark…“ you started. „I hope I don't bore you this time.“ – „Oh, darling, if you only knew how interesting this interview was.“ You cocked an eyebrow at him, not sure if he was serious or just sarcastic. Usually you were able to spot the difference, but this man wasn't the open book he seemed to be. „I see. So we can talk more about your success?“ You asked carefully, trying to figure out where the limits were. „I don’t mind talking about myself, you probably know.“ He was the complete opposite of you. Self-confident and he loved himself more than anyone else. He probably looked into the mirror ten times a day. If you only had the same confidence as him.

He shrugged and looked at you. „I brought you some clothes, if you want to change them.“ Once again you cocked an eyebrow at him. „Would they even fit? Because if that's the case I would call you a stalker, Mr. Stark.“ On his own way he was some kind of a gentleman, but sadly not the typical one you always dreamed of when you were younger. He just started laughing at your comment, even though he knew it could be true. Yes, maybe he stalked you a little. Maybe he wanted to get to know you better while you’re so distant. The thought of this made your cheeks blush immediately. Slowly it got quiet again, before he cleared his throat. „Bold of you to assume I would only meet up with prostitutes.“ – „Bold of you to assume I would need your money to buy me clothes.“ Suddenly he just stared at you for a moment. Was he nervous? For some reason he really seemed to be. You tilted your head to the side, questioning the expression on his face. „Mr. Stark, this was supposed to be a joke… you know?“ not that you wanted his money, actually it didn’t even matter if he was rich or not, on the inside you were just happy to be with him again. He wasn’t as intimidating as before, which made it easier to stay cool.

„Good, because I wouldn’t know how to start what I actually got in mind for both of us.“ He shook his head, sighing in relief. „Oh please, don’t tell me this is some weird love story where you actually want me to become your sub.“ You rolled your eyes, still joking around. „Not exactly.“ Suddenly your eyes widened and you really had no answer to this. Not exactly? That could mean anything. You blinked at him a few times, before your head turned back to the window.

„Don’t get the wrong impression… it has nothing to do with you being some kind of a slave.“ He hook his head. „You will lead literally everything.“ – „Mr. Stark-" – „Tony… please.“ Of course you would like to say his name out loud, but you refused, maybe to punish him for this weird stuff he said? „Mr. Stark… where exactly are we going?“ Finally you looked back at him, his eyes meeting yours again. „To my penthouse.“ – „This isn’t a coffee shop, you know?“ – „Fair enough. I confess, I didn't tell you the truth, when I wanted to meet you. But you wouldn’t have said yes if I’d ask you for some arrangement.“ oh god, this couldn’t become any worse for you. „Arrangement?“ your eyes widened at his words, and you could clearly tell, he had his troubles to keep up this conversation. Slowly his hand got up to his tie, loosening it around his neck. He needed to breath. „It sounds so bad when you say it.“ – „What's positive about that?“ He stood silent again. Honestly, a part of you were curious, but the other wanted to bury yourself six feet under. It was something like a wonder you didn't break out in panic yet.

„Look", he started again „let me tell you everything, once we arrived. I’m pretty sure we can get it.“ Right, you decided to give him a chance, but you didn't talk to him until the two of you, and the driver which looked like Happy, but you weren't quite sure, arrived at the parking house.

After a long staying around in the elevator, you finally got the chance to see his penthouse, looking around surprised when you set a foot into it. „Tony… this is great.“ You didn’t even notice you called him by his first name, but he did and it made him smirk. He stopped by the biggest window in this apartment. Actually the whole wall was just glass. The perfect view of the city and the sun slowly going down. You stepped closer to him, to take a look out of the window, but you kept your safety distance from him and from the window, since you were afraid of heights.

„Come on, (Y/N), I don’t bite… usually.“ He smirked at you, but you only looked at him from the corner of your eyes. „I didn’t allow you to call me by my first name.“ He raised his hands in defence. „Should I make a contract where you become my dom?“ He laughed and you couldn’t help but blush again. His laughter was so cute and you loved to hear it over and over again. A slight smile appeared on your lips. „Woah, I see, the lady can smile as well and what a pretty one.“ He clicked his tongue. Your smile grew with that comment and suddenly you saw him with different eyes. He seemed so soft all the way to his penthouse and even right now. Maybe it wouldn’t be bad at all. Maybe this arrangement was supposed to be you working in his company?

„About that arrangement…“, you started. He sighed, rubbing his neck. „I see, you don't like to waste time…“ he gently took your hand and you refused to pull back, so he could drag you into his home office. He sat down on the chair, looking at you. „Sit down. This might take a while. FRIDAY, tell Happy to bring two coffee…“ what the hell was a FRIDAY? „Yes, sir.“ A voice filled the room and disappeared as fast as it came up. You looked around. Was that an A.I.? You wondered, how much this man had, but you pushed the thoughts away, when you looked back at him, seeing his eyes become darker.

„Well, (Y/N)…“ he started, not knowing how to start this. „This should be an arrangement only between you and me. Did you ever hear something of a sugar daddy?“ You shrugged. „Sure I did.“ – „Great. Because that's basically it. I want you to become my sugar babe. You will be there when I need you – and only you – and I will give you everything you want, materially.“ You swallowed. „Would I have to call you daddy then?“ You really weren’t sure if you wanted this. „Ton- Mr. Stark, I’m not interested in your money. We can meet without you buying me stuff.“ You shrugged again. „It's all up to you, darling. As I said before, you lead it. There are only two conditions… 1. You will have to accept any kind of presents and 2. We will have sex.“ You could feel your tights pressing against each other. This was more than just embarrassing. Would you like to give up for a second-hand relationship? „Why can’t we have a normal relationship?“ – „Because I'm not interested in such childish things.“ Now it was him who shrugged. „And I can tell by the way you sit, that you're not totally against it.“ Damn, he was right, but did you really want to become his personal slut?

„I guess I need to think about that. Get to know you a little more.“ You wonder how you were able to keep your voice calm. „I want to keep my freedom a little longer.“ He just nodded, swiping over some pieces of paper. „That would be the contract. Think about it when you're home. Take your time, I'm willing to wait for you.“ He smiled at you. „I guess I want to go home now…“ how far would he go to convince you? You decided to test him a little.

He wasn't okay with that request, but he called Happy, so he could bring you home.

#tony stark x reader #tony stark x you #tony stark x teen!reader #tony stark #tony stark fanfiction #marvel

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snarkandsarcasmftw · 5 years ago

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tag games, ftw

I was tagged by both @rampagewriting and @heelsamizayn to answer this and it seems like a fun time and my brain’s being a bag of dicks rn, so whhhhy not... Here we go.

0) Name/Nickname? If ya wanna share it.

Ashley, AA, Snark - mostly on here. Oh and lil bit, but... family only.

1) If you could bring any two fictional characters (from books or film/tv) into the same world who would they be, what world would you put them in, and what would their relationship to each other be?

Uhhh... Uhhh... Okay, alright, hm... This is going to be an unconventional answer but.. I’d take Bucky and Cap and I’d drop them right into the middle of The Walking Dead. Hear me out.. They’re both military trained / enhanced superheroes and they can walk that line of having compassion and being totally ruthless if they must. I think it’d be neat. They’d be friends / psuedo brothers, of course.

2) If you could drop yourself into any fictional world from books or film/tv, which would it be?

Oh god, oh noooo.. Every part of the fifteen year old trapped within my old woman body is screaming at me to answer Harry Potter -cos magic.. But.. I’m going with The Walking Dead. Just for the simple fact that I could smack both Lori and Dale Horvath in the back of the fuckin head.

Alternately.. I’d really wanna hunt vampires with Edgar and Allen Frog, and the eighties were my shit, so.. That too.

3) What’s your spirit animal?

A cat or a raccoon. I have under eye circles, stay up late, eat only junk and I’ll bite if you take my food plus kinda chonky ( raccoon) and I like to take naps, I’m... adamant about cleaning / grooming plus, I like to sit around and give people side eye when they’re doing dumb shit. ( cat.)

4) What is the most unpopular opinion you hold?

NO. NOPE. NOT ANSWERING. ISSA TRAP.

Okay, since I obviously have to put something here, I’ll say it. And I’ll start with wrestling:

Seth Rollins is vastly overrated and I don’t get the whole.. Attraction to him. And the same goes for Cody Rhodes. Also, is it just me or are his fucking intros too long? Idk, maybe that’s me and my lack of patience. If you like either of these, sorry, continue to do you, but.. I’m not a fan and I honestly don’t particularly care about either and this is my own personal opinion. I’m allowed to have one. I’m not saying bad shit about either guy here, if you take it that way, it’s your own damn problem? I’m not telling you not to like them. I’m simply saying I do not.

As far as media goes : Fifty Shades of Gray is fucking dumb. I mean.. 10 page contract.. to get what has to be mediocre dick, at best? And it’s not even written with any regards to true BDSM concepts for the most part? Nah. I’ll pass.

And now, for one about our current situation: I think the idiots who hoarded TP at the beginning of this should be allowed to return things.. Provided it’s unopened, they have a receipt, and they don’t see a fucking dime of the money they spent and that the money from the returns goes to masks / other methods of protection for front line workers or straight into the unemployment packages and the stimulus thing. Like literally, the hoarder gets nothing, people who need TP / sanitizer / etc get UNOPENED NEW PRODUCTS and the front line workers get the proceeds of the voided returns. We all win here. (I realize this probably cannot happen, but. It’s one way to kind of... help this current shit show we’re all trapped in.)

5) How do you like to style your hair most often?

Uhh.. Down. I’m too goddamn lazy to be bothered.

6) I always love this overdone question - you’re allowed three books on a desert island, what do you bring? (Note: Survival Guides don’t count).

The Shining, The Dark Towers series - Stephen King, The Client - John Grisham and The Outsiders - S.E Hinton

7) Something new you’ve learned in quarantine/lockdown/corona times?

That no matter how hard I try, I cannot apply false lashes. That more than two noisy things going in the background is TOO MUCH. Oh and I’m pretty damn good at baking when I bother to try / don’t toss out the directions.

8) Favorite alcohol? (Or non-alcoholic beverage if you don’t drink!)

Haven’t drank in... a while-ish. But my favorite thing to drink when I do is vodka or tequila. Occasionally White Claw ( i know, i know.). Favorite non-alcoholic beverage is water lately.

9) Music you can’t stand? Music you love?

I’m gonna get torn the fuck apart for this but yolo.. I can’t get into K-Pop. I’ve tried. It’s just.. It’s up there with new pop for me. Older boy bands / pop stars? Not a problem. I just don’t like a lot of pop music and I can’t get into K-pop. If you like it, awesome. It’s just not for me personally. Beyond that? I love literally any other kind of music. I have a veeeery varied eclectic listening preference but my all time favorite? 80′s glam / pop or country.

10) Have a favorite herb?

FIRST OF ALL.. GARLIC.. yeah, it’s not a herb buuuut... yeah.. Anyway, for actual herbs..Basil, Rosemary and Sage.. Oh and cilantro. Cilantro will save your ass in a pinch.

11) What kinds of cups/glasses/bottles do you prefer to drink out of?

My big tol cold cup. Or.. my stemless plastic wine glasses, of which I have apparently lost.

12) Preferred mode of communication: texts, phone calls, emails, letters?

Text or email. I’m not... fond of making calls, but I will if I have to. I prefer texts or email. Oh, I do enjoy writing letters now and then.

13) What is your favorite weather?

Not too hot, not too cold. Not too sunny but not overcast and gray either. A light breeze. NO POLLEN.

14) What kind of lighting do you like?

Softer lights, for the aesthetic.. Overhead lighting, so my blind ass can... yannow... see. If I had my way, I’d have candles and string lights every where though.

15) What is the best thing you cook?

Honestly, I feel like it’s my chili or my stew. Alternately, husband seems to ask for chicken / bacon / ranch pasta casserole a lot, so... Idk.. I guess pretty much anything (except fucking hamburger helper, i can NEVER get this shit right, despite directions, sacrifices to the culinary gods and pleas/promises of my first born. It always turns out icky so I never cook it.)

16) Do you have a favorite font to write in?

Handwriting or typewriter fonts for the most part. Roboto when I’m writing / editing my own fics and such.

17) What is something you’ve always wanted to write in a fic, but you’ve been too afraid to? Or, what is something that you were afraid to write, but then you did and it ended awesome?

Honestly, I’m scared to death to write smut. Which is why I’ve been trying to write more of it lately. I won’t say it’s going awesome ( I’m pretty sure some of you sit and read it when I post and are like what the fuck... this isn’t realistic and this is so bad.) but it’s going.

I’ve wanted to dip my toes into writing for more obscure fandoms too. Like ones that I personally enjoy. As far as something I’ve always wanted to write? Horror. But I’m scared to death I’d fuck it up.

18) If you were in your favorite fantasy world, what would your weapon of choice be?

A sword or a knife. Machete, maybe?

19) Is there a commonly used expression/saying that you can’t stand?

While I agree with the answers J and K put to this “It’s in God’s hands, etc” - sometimes things are GOD AWFUL. The last thing I want to hear is what the reason God had for doing it is. So don’t tell me.

Triggered is a useful term.. if it’s used right. And I’m starting to realize that 95 percent of people DO NOT know the proper use. They think that being triggered =‘s a reason to bitch and tear someone apart over some miniature thing they’ve done. So now, when I hear it being misused, it fucking annoys me.

20) What is something that you would like people to know about you?

I’m a grumpy ball of rage. I’m petty as fuck and saltier than all the oceans combined in the right circumstances. But.. I can be a nice person and I love getting to know people and helping people or talking to them. Even if it’s hard for me to start it off bc I’m fucking awkward as fuck also - hence the reason it takes a while for me to actually... attempt... conversing with new people both IRL and on here.

I’m gonna leave this open to anyone who wants to do it bc Idk who has or hasn’t already and I don’t want to annoy people.

This was a blast!

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mieczyhale · 5 years ago

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because tumblr is the way that it is i have no idea what you have/nt seen?? so i guess here’s just all the recent TUA-related shit ;snklfd @hellomyguru

it sure would be nice of them to notify people about notifications wouldn’t it??

my tags on this post:: #y e s #okay like i love the lil klaus they gave us #for sure#but klaus has curls?? and bby didnt really?? and like it makes sense bc considering reginald's.. everything.. he would have done whatever he#could to tame them / keep them under control yknow?? he doesnt like different and he doesnt like things that arent prim and proper#which is what he'd consider curls to NOT be#esp. with how wild those curls woulda been like#and i mean i know adult klaus's hair was more mess & not really curly but towards the end of the season you could def see his hair rebelling#so #anyway #here's wonderwall

my tags on this post:: #klaus and dave#even if you play it with dave being 30 too instead of 40 this is still fucking funny#i can imagine this interaction perfectly and it kills me sfhkdjccj

a post on my change in how i tag my original TUA posts

a question you asked that i answered

a post on klaus, reginald, and medicine

a shitpost about dave

my reply to a reply on my broken jaw post

my reply to your reply on my broken jaw post

my tags on this post:: #does klaus know what he threw out tho?? like he barely glanced at the stuff he pulled out of the box before throwing it away#he clearly thought that whatever it was wasnt important - i mean he also wouldnt have cared bc gotta get them drugs baby but still#and at what point would he have told five that he threw out some of their dads shit?? like.. at which interaction would that have made sense#the dumpster?? not really. five immediately declares he doesn't care what klaus is doing and then klaus is distracted by the opportunity to#get some money in an easier way than normal and then he bit into a dumpster bagel and five was leaving. he left.#OH and now that im thinking more about it - klaus refers to the stuff from the box as 'priceless crap' / 'priceless shit' so there's a#chance he A. really didnt pay attention to what he was throwing away - which makes sense considering his desperation#or B. he forgot. drugs arent known for being great for your memory and then a lot of shit went down really fast so..#the lab?? also wouldnt have made sense for a few reasons but mostly bc at no point did they talk about anything other than fake eyes and#relationships. during the family meeting that five appears in the middle of?? maybe. but five had a very narrow focus and the others#talked a lot and over each other and the whole time klaus is off to the side sick - very clearly having a hard time focusing and staying#upright and again - a lot has fucking happened - so there's no way he would've even considered the papers from 10 months ago as being#relevant. IF he remembered them at all.#oh and then he didnt even really acknowledge the apocalypse thing until episode 6 and he spent all of episode 4 being tortured#and he came back and spent episode 5 just trying to adjust to being back - having just lost dave and left a warzone - and he just.. has his#grief to deal with so nothing else is even on his radar#what im saying is#there's a lot going on and there never would've been a time to bring it up even if he did know/remember what he threw away#in my big dumb pan opinion#i know this post isnt that serious but i read it and had to word vomit#anyway #sgkskccj #carry on y'all

my tags on this post:: #oh shit fuck!!! this!!!!!! im always here for emotions and powers being tied - ESPECIALLY when people dont know it#including the person who has the powers like... everyone being oblivious fucks#which is kind of why i agree with and support klaus's powers being tied to his emotions. 1. people just out here being completely oblivious#and ignorant towards klaus and everything related to him and 2. klaus being just as oblivious like.. between over half a lifetime of#substance abuse and addiction?? that happened in the first place bc klaus was terrified of and hated his powers?? there is so much that he#can do. i personally believe he's incredibly powerful and the longer he stays sober the more everybody is gonna see that#and none of them will expect it. tbh also?? i firmly believe - despite his alien status and knowing things - that not even reginald#had any fucking idea. bc i mean he clearly had no real idea of how klaus's powers worked. his training decisions proved that. his#experiments proved that. is there anything in canon to support any of this hc - you ask - why yes. yes there is. in my opinion of course. i#know not everyone sees things the same way. but 1. klaus returning from vietnam. he beat up the suitcase p well but while it sparks?thats it#and throwing it isnt - on its own - going to make it explode. thats just not believable. its a time traveling briefcase. that shits STURDY#and if im remembering right - it didnt explode right away. it didnt happen until klaus screamed and i dont think thats a coincidence#he does have telekinesis after all. and 2. making ben corporeal in the last episode. that did not seem like a conscious decision. he ran#into that room. got shot sat. ducked. and then suddenly he has glowing hands and bentacles was seen by all. it all happened in a matter of#seconds and it would've freaked anyone out but with his powers klaus wanted ben there - he wanted ben to help - even if he didnt know it#himself. in one second he had elevated emotions - elevated anxiety and possibly fear and he wanted to do something just.. ANYTHING. he#wanted to not die and he wanted his siblings to not die and he wanted to help but he alone couldnt and ben is his closest#brother - sorry not sorry - and then also sorry not sorry but ptsd?? from vietnam and guns?? yeah. so everything just.. fell together and#it triggered his powers. and i can see that happening a lot. he's having a hard day and he can see dave and talk to him but he#cant be held by him and it just makes everything worse and suddenly dave is THERE there and klaus doesnt know how he did it but w.e#he's just so happy he did. and he accidentally conjures patch while he and diego are talking about her and diego thinks klaus did it on#purpose. to hurt him? idk. but he's pissed and klaus is just confused - not really registering the heartache he had been feeling for diego#when she suddenly appeared. im leaving this with 2 examples only bc imma run outta tags otherwise fkdmdnd BUT give me klaus levitating for#the first time when he's sitting cross legged on the floor of the living room or standing idk but he's content and sleepy ans suddenly#there's confused voices and shouting and he opens his eyes to find he's in the same position but now he's five feet off the ground and#WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK yknow?? oooh and more on his telekinesis?? unintentionally launching shit at people when he gets pissed. luther takes a#little gardening shovl to the face. the others keep treating him like shit - like he hasnt changed - and he snaps during a meeting and a#vase JUST misses somebody's head or smth?? it would be great. and dont even get me started on the Not Fucking Dying aspect bc thats a whole#other rodeo. but even that.. i think its emotionally tied and how long he stays dead depends on how he felt when he died. he can control it#from the other side yknow?? anyway i def need to do an actual post on this i think later bc im outta tags lmao

#maison speaks #hellomyguru

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i-am-parsec · 6 years ago

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Unaddressed Letters - Part V

Leaving Jacksonville - part I

The night they leave is warm and quiet. End of the summer, the streets downtown are still fairly crowed after the sun goes down, Stacy has some costumers roaming around the thrift shop while Chase, just across the street, sweats in the kitchen of a Mexican restaurant, trying to leave no meat uncooked and no drink without ice.

During a brief moment of precious spare time, he checks his phone.

“Call me when you are done with the dishes, kitchen boy" reads the screen.

His heart skips a beat and he frowns. Of course she’s texting him, they are friends. They go back home together every single night after work. This is not something worth a heart-beat skipping, when the fuck is his brain going to get the memo?

He can’t continue his internal screaming - those burritos aren’t going to make themselves.

The young girl puts her phone away as an old man approaches the counter. Dark eyes, whitening short brown hair, a full goatee and about two heads taller than her. He doesn’t look scary per se, but neither does he look friendly and yet Stacy is invaded by an strange feeling of warm comfort when met by this unknown client and ponders, for a second, why. When it clicks, her hands freeze. She keeps her gaze glued on the light blue shirt she’s bagging, choking back the tears. It’s always like this, something ordinary, unimportant, pulls the trigger and the pain rushes to her eyes. She manages to snap out of it, but not without the man noticing.

“Is everything okay, ma’am?”

Fuck, even his voice is similar. She fails at smiling and looks away.

“Yes, sir, it’s just…you look a lot like...uh, my dad. Well, not a lot, it’s mostly the beard...I think…”

As she looks down, it’s impossible to deny the burn in her throat and the shaking of her hands. Not now, please, not here. Crying during working hours in a thrift shop that’s probably – totally – laundering drug money.

Well, that’s a new low.

“Did you lose him recently?” asks the man gently, prompting her to look up.

“No, I…I lost him when I was kid. He was shot…a robbery gone wrong…”

He nods, no trace of pity in his features, only compassion and understanding. Maybe he lives in town, maybe he also lost someone in the hands of the corrupted and greedy. Maybe he knows this pain too.

“I’m sorry to tell you, darling, that it won’t ever stop hurting, especially in your case, a loss so unfair, but let me tell you this…” the old man stops for a second, and then, with more conviction than Stacy has ever witnessed in her entire life “…you are strong enough to handle this and any other nonsense that life throws at you. You just gotta remember that, always."

Her phone buzzes for a long minute but she doesn’t pick up. She’s still holding her breath when he gives her the money. She wants to tell him to not worry about it, the shirt is on her, but with such a tight budget, every cent counts. All she can do is smile and thank him.

Another call. She tries her best to sound calm but Chase can tell something's wrong in the tiredness of her "hey". She explains quickly, hoping to ease his friend's mind - he's already anxious mess by default, wouldn't want to fuel it up - and after repeating at least ten times "yes, Chase, I swear I'm ok now", she sighs and then asks.

"Can we go down to the bar tonight?"

There's a second of silence. She hates drinking or, to be more precise, she hates seeing him drinking. She claims he likes it a bit too much for his own good. She continues.

"I'll hurry up and close this dumpster in a minute, and then we go straight down to Joe's, what do you say?"

He knows what his friend is doing, she's avoiding herself, avoiding the thinking, the pain and honestly, he can't blame her. He's been there, done that, and she always stayed by his side whenever he went into Emotionless Drunk Mess mode, so he has no problem returning the favor now.

"I say I'm covered in sweat, blood and other unknown bodily fluids so maybe we go home and take a shower first?"

When she laughs, he feels his heart become a little lighter.

"First of all: ew, gross; secondly: We take shower? Are you suggesting we take it together, Brody?"

And there it is, that's the Stacy he knows and loves - a teasing smart ass. This time though, he doesn't let her words fluster him - too much - and attacks back.

"Of course, Walters, we gotta do it for the environment's sake, you know? We gotta save water!"

"Oh, yeah, totally, that’s why, it has nothing to do with you dying to see me naked."

"I feel so insulted you would even dare to think that, young lady, I am a gentleman!"

"Oh, sure thing, perv. Okay, I'll finish here and meet you outside in a bit."

The smile on his face lingers all the way until he sees her walking out the store. He nods curiously at the bag on her hand. She smiles like a kid planning a prank and simply winks.

“I’m just borrowing a little something.”

“Uh, yeah, that’s called stealing, Stacy.”

She chuckles and then, as she usually does, starts a fire in his chest with just a short phrase.

“Don’t judge me, I just want to look pretty for our date.”

She’s joking, Brody, she’s fucking joking, like all friends do.

Just as they get to their stop, their bus arrives.

“This must be our lucky night” exclaims Stacy surprised. Once they are settled in their seats, she rests her head on his shoulder and grabs his hand. Chase simply does his best to not suffer a stroke.

“We have to get out of here, dude. Soon.”

“That’s the plan” stutters the young man, wishing he could sound a bit less nervous by something that they have been doing for years now.

“Yeah, I know, but we always talk about it as a goal in the future and I…I don’t know. I feel like we shouldn’t wait too long or we might end up never leave this town” mutters Stacy with a sudden grim tone.

“Don’t say that, dude, of course we are doing it,” says her friend as her grabs her chin, looking for her eyes, all awkwardness replaced by the imperative need to bring her smile back “we promised we would, didn’t we?”

She nods half-heartedly and snuggles up against him, like a lost dog hides from the rain under a frail tree. As he hugs her, bringing her closer, he whispers against her dark hair: “Let’s set a date.”

“For our wedding? Sorry, Brody, but you haven’t even proposed to me yet” she jokes dryly.

Ignoring the sudden rush of heat on his body, he replies: “No, dumbass, for our escape!”

She come out of her shelter and looks at him with a hint of excitement on her eyes.

“A date?”

“Yeah, a date. Tell me when you want to leave.”

She bites her lower lip - one of her many quirks that drives him insane - and inhales slowly. As she breathes out, she answers: “End of this year. That should give us enough time to save a decent amount of money, make a good plan and maybe find a place to rent.”

“Well, end of the year it is. December 31 we are getting the fuck out of Jacksonville.”

And when he laughs, she feels the whole world become a little lighter.

More info, previous chapters, tag list AND HEADCANONS under the cut

First and foremost, I apologize for any mistakes in the chapter. This one wasn’t proof-read either and on top of that I wrote it on a rush but hopefully it’s decent ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

All chapters in chronological order, here. Previous chapter, here. Next chapter, here.

SO, yes, this is a two-part chapter - truth be told, I’m only posting this now and not both parts as one since I’m quite busy and have no time to finish writing it but I still wanted to post something now as, idk, a christmas special???? whatever, I just wanted to post it, lol

Anyways, HEADCANON TIME:

* As you may have noticed in the last chapter, Chase and Stacy’s daughter - Esperanza (which, by the way, means Hope in Spanish) - has a VERY Latino name, well, that’s because my hc is that Stacy is latina! Well, half latina, her mom is latina, her dad is white and because Stacy is white-passing and her mom knew about the struggles of being a Latina woman in the US, Stacy’s parents decided to give her a very white first name, so she would have it “easier” in life. Spoiler alert: she didn’t have it easier in life. Like, at all.

* Despite that, she still has a very Latino second name - Dolores (which means Pains in Spanish *winkwink*) - that she loves just as much as she loves her Latino heritage, and that’s why she named her daughter like that - Chase 100% loves the name as well.

* This is kinda spoilerish (because I will explore this headcanon in far more depth later on the fic) but I still feel you guys should know: Before they were the best of friends, Henrik and Chase were penpals - they met through an elementary school penpal project and kept writing each other all the way until adulthood, when they finally met face to face.

* Neither Chase or Stacy had pets - or were allowed to have any - by the time they became friends, but they both love animals and started feeding a cat they always came across on their way to school. They named the cat Sam.

* Stacy is allergic to cats. She loved Sam from a distance.

* Chase knows quite a bit of Spanish Stacy taugh him. She didn’t teach him just for funsies but because she ended up getting him a job in a Mexican restaurant and the owners didn’t speak English. She was very impressed by how easy it was for him to get used to the Latino enviroment and how good he turned out to be at cooking.

* Chase knows Stacy likes her second name better than her first, but sucks at pronuncing it correctly so he only call her Dolores jokingly andsometimeswhentheyhavesex

* They weren’t each others “first”, but Stacy told Chase after they did it for the first time that she had never enjoyed sex before him (and Chase almost cried because of such huge compliment).

* Esperanza is fluent in Spanish and English and knows a bit of German thanks to Uncle Henrik. Henrik is also Esperanza’s godfather.

I have way more headcanons but all of them are incredibly spoilery, so this is all you get for now. Now let’s move on to the next chap-

❤ Tag list ❤: @amyxmiaplay, @beck-pma, @closedworldofmathiel, @darktrash-drash, @fanfictionrecommendations-com, @flyingfishflopsthings, @fruitycasket, @happysingingturtles, @hiimizzyxoxo, @hishex, @kitnkas, @mcomegalletas, @mijako98, @mjjau, @mysterious-cupcake-ninja, @mysticalanimallover, @novasingalaxies, @plutoandpolaris, @probablyghosting, @randomartdudette, @saltyweirdbi, @sassy-in-glasses, @scarlet--raven, @septicuniverse, @skyewardlight, @thevampireauthoress, @youllnevertaketheskyfromme

Thank you so much for reading, hope you enjoyed it! If you did, please reblog, that helps me a lot ❤

#Chase Brody #Stacy Brody #Unaddressed Letters #Jacksepticeye #Antisepticeye #Henrik Von Schneepletein #Dr. Schneeplestein #Fanfic #JSE #fanfiction #JSE egos #JSE community #therealjacksepticeye

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ao3feed-larry · 2 years ago

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𝐏𝐨𝐢𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐢𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐞𝐲𝐞𝐬, 𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐨𝐦 𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐯𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐬 [𝐥𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐲 𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐱𝐬𝐭𝐮𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐭]

by Carmelove_28

Harry longed to experience a normal life, at least for a while. His father, being the owner of a really huge influential company in the UK, was not particularly supportive of him. Ever since he turned 18, Desmond has been haunting him with the responsibilities he will soon have to deal with and the life he will have to lead. Of course, the company will pass to him, and he doesn't have much time left. Therefore, he wanted to make the most of it. And how does one say it? Money and a little acquaintance, and you can get anything done.

Louis was a teenager who wasn't ready to be an adult so early. We're talking mentally here, of course. He has passions that, thank God, he is able to develop. Everyone thinks he's the easy-going type, but little does anyone know that his life and his family have turned him into a character that he has to hide under a thick mask.

And it would be weird if the irony of fate and the essence of destiny didn't come together in such a way that these two bumped into each other at the least opportune moment.

Or maybe just at the best?

(Date of publishing: 29.06.2022)

Words: 1850, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Fandoms: One Direction (Band), 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: F/F, M/M

Characters: Louis Tomlinson, Harry Styles, Zayn Malik, Niall Horan, Liam Payne, Gigi Hadid, Bella Hadid, Nick Grimshaw, Eleanor Calder, Calum Hood, Luke Hemmings, Ashton Irwin, Michael Clifford

Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson

Additional Tags: Bottom Louis Tomlinson, Top Harry Styles, TheySwitchTho, one direction - Freeform, larry - Freeform, Larry Stylinson Is Real, XD, isuckattags, sorry - Freeform, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Drama, Dark, Triggers, triggering content, School, Teacher Harry, Student Louis, Teacher-Student Relationship, Dancer Louis, History teacher Harry, Smut, violance, Drugs, Alcohol, Family Issues, Happy Ending, SlightBDSM, what, i had to add it, I LOVE BDSM CONTENT, Don't Judge Me, Lots of it, yeah - Freeform, we love that stuff, idk what else to add, give it a chance, pls, lhh, Long-Haired Harry Styles, Hedgehog Louis Tomlinson

via AO3 works tagged 'Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson' https://ift.tt/rbKaUyh

#larry stylinson #larry fic #ao3 feed larry #𝐏𝐨𝐢𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐢𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐞𝐲𝐞𝐬 #𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐨𝐦 𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐯𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐬 [𝐥𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐲 𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐱𝐬𝐭𝐮𝐝

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suffering-matsu · 7 years ago

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Hi! Can I get a very angst post about the Matsu brothers' reactions to their S/O (who gives no hints) committing suicide. Bonus points for them finding something with S/Os scent on it and getting physically sick.

Anonymous said to suffering-matsu

All matsus having/reacting to having dreams about a dead s/o? Could be nightmares, recalled memories, or just general weirdness idk i just love me some angsty dreams. (Also i love this blog thank u for being u!! ✌)

Anonymous said to suffering-matsu:

The Matsus with an S/O that dies (whatever way you want) and the others run up after hearing a thump to find burazza select having a panic attack on the floor of the bedroom while holding a necklace they gave S/O. (Sorry for long request)

Anonymous said to suffering-matsu:

One Brother comforting another brother after the matsu’s SO dies. How does the comforting matsu do it and how does the upset matsu react?

****

So a lot of you asked for Matsu with an s/o who dies/commits suicide, so I combined these together into one LONG scenario styled answer. I hope that was okay! This is my first answered ask, and it’s a BIG one, so I hope I did well! Let me know if there’s anything I should change with how I format or anything!The answers are under a Read More because of certain trigger warnings: Suicide t/w, Death t/w, Panic Attacks t/w, Alcohol as a coping method, and Vomit/emeto warningLet us know if you need anything else tagged! - Mod Ari~

Osomatsu - When he first finds the note that his S/O left, he doesn’t believe it. Full-on denial. There’s no way he thinks. But doubt settles in quickly and he starts to think that maybe he isn’t too late to stop them. He runs to their house, only to find that it is too late. He’d disappear for a couple of days at least. No one would hear from him. He’d spend the entire time drunk off his ass, wasting every last yen on alcohol. Eventually he’d come stumbling back home when the money finally ran out. He’s still not ready to face the world without his s/o, but he realizes he has to at least try. He comes back home late one evening, his family is out - dinner or bathhouse - and he’s glad he won’t be confronted immediately. That is, until he walks into their bedroom and sees his s/o’s sweater laying on the couch where the left it the last time they were there. He freezes and panics. He’d thought he’d be able to face this, but he’s so not ready. Probably never will be. All of feelings he’d been trying to drown in alcohol the last few days smack him in the heart and he breaks. He runs to the bathroom, his emotions spilling out along with everything he’d eaten the past couple of days (not much other than alcohol). He sobs and heaves over the toilet. He never thought he could hurt so much. Eventually his brothers come home, one of them hears him sobbing himself sick in the bathroom and let themselves in. An arm is wrapped around his shoulders and a glass of water pushed into his shaking hands. He eventually cries himself to sleep in his brother’s embrace, face buried in his chest. It takes weeks for the nightmares to stop. It takes months for the good dreams to dwindle. The dreams where he and his s/o are smiling and enjoying life together. Those are worse than any nightmare ever could be, because it all gets ripped away as soon as he wakes. He always spends the rest of the night smoking on the balcony. It never does get easier.

Karamatsu - karamatsu’s world would stop turning when he first heard. He’d immediately start blaming himself. How could he not? What could he have done better as a person? To say that he was heartbroken would be the greatest understatement. He would be devastated, feel so incredibly guilty. He would try to get through it on his own, pretending that he was strong enough to handle it, but one particularly bad night he has a nightmare, a graphic scene brought on by his overly creative/dramatic mind leaves him gasping for air and drenched in sweat, heart pounding and tears streaming down his face. He decides he’s done sleeping for the night and instead relocates to the living room downstairs. Unfortunately, he’s still not in his proper state of mind, and he decides to pull out a box dedicated to gifts, letters, songs, written for his s/o. Each item he pulls out has him sobbing harder and harder until he finds himself retching. Eventually one of his brothers hears his anguish and comes down to comfort him – he finally breaks enough to admit he can’t handle this, especially not on his own.

Choromatsu - Choromatsu is like Osomatsu in that he is in complete denial at first. There’s no way. After it really sets in, he does the best thing he can think of: research. He researches the signs that he should have noticed. He gets a bit overzealous and starts noticing different ‘signs’ in all of his brothers before Osomatsu has to shut him down by telling that what he’s doing Will Not bring his S/O back, no matter what. That’s when he finally breaks down and begins the mourning process. That’s also when the dreams start. He dreams weird things, he calls them “Jyushimatsu Dreams” because they’re happy, but…don’t really comply with the laws of physics. He and his s/o on dates, in space, them dying…. It’s actually exhausting for him, he hasn’t slept a night all the way through since it happened. He’s cleaning their bedroom closet one afternoon and comes across a wrapped box. It’s a gift he’d purchased for his s/o for their upcoming 6 month anniversary. He drops the box he was holding and falls to his knees, shaking. He doesn’t actually cry, but his breathing becomes more ragged and his vision starts to blur. He doesn’t really notice when a brother walks in on him, but he slowly becomes aware of the gently circles being rubbed on his back, and suddenly the gift is no longer in his line of sight. Together they finish cleaning while his brother talks about whatever he can think of as a distraction.

Ichimatsu - Ichimatsu is probably the most shocked of all of them. He feels like he should have seen it coming because he’s been there. He feels responsible. Responsible for not being good enough, for being trash, and for not having considered the possibility. He does a fantastic job of acting like nothing has happened, going back to acting how everything was before he met his s/o. The rest of the brothers are worried - really worried. Choromatsu and Karamatsu tell him that he needs to accept his s/o died and that he needs to mourn properly, while Osomatsu and Jyushimatsu work on convincing him that it wasn’t his fault. Surprisingly, it’s Todomatsu who finally gets him to face it. He’s maybe a bit harsher than anyone is comfortable with, but it gets Ichimatsu out of his corner and he ends up yelling. A lot. But his voice cracks and he finally breaks down and collectively all his brothers end up comforting him. When he has nightmares about his s/o, usually simple dreams of them feeding cats together, he wakes crying softly into his pillow. Karamatsu is the only one who knows since he sleeps right next to him, and he quietly shifts so that his back is pressed against his brothers, offering comfort, but respecting Ichimatsu’s space. For Ichimatsu, it isn’t an object that he comes across that upsets him, but a cat the two of them took care of together. His s/o had even been the one to give it a name. He comes across the cat in an ally, cuddled in a box with a pile of newborn kittens. His heartbreaks all over again and one particularly clingy kitten finds it’s way into his lap. Jyushimatsu finds him in the allyway, crying over his s/o and suggests he name the clingy one after them, in their memory. He’ll always have a happy memory with his s/o, even if they are gone.

Jyushimatsu - Jyushimatsu takes the longest to react when he’s first told his s/o killed themself. He can’t process that the person he loves would… His mind races back to Homura, and everything he did to help her and his only thought is it wasn’t enough. I didn’t do good enough. Part of him knows it isn’t his fault, but he can’t help but believe he could have done more. Been happier around them, spent more time with them, loved them more. He gets really quiet for days. He doesn’t play baseball, barely eats, barely moves from the corner of the room, taking up looking more like Ichimatsu. Everyone is afraid to approach him. They know how hard this has to be for him and they walk on eggshells around him. One of them finally decides that they need to broach the subject, but no one is sure how. One of the brothers sits next to him one day and… just sits with him. Eventually they start taking turns sitting with him until late one night, when the rest are out at the bathhouse, Jyushimatsu finally finds it in him to talk about it. He talks about how perfect his s/o was. How beautiful their smile was, how pure their heart was. He ends with asking ‘why’ over and over through heart wrenching sobs. No one knows how to answer, but they don’t really need to. The brother pulls Jyushimatsu into a tight hug, letting him cry his heart out on his shoulder. Eventually the other Matsus return and they end up in a big cuddle pile until Jyushimatsu finally falls asleep. He has nightmares for the first few weeks, but someone always gets up with him and sits with him while he cries himself back to sleep. No one minds missing sleep to comfort the fifth brother. Eventually, he starts to get back to his usual routines, playing baseball and swimming in the river again. He seems almost back to normal, but sometimes he’ll be doing something fun and stop suddenly, losing his smile and getting a far away look as he remembers his s/o, thinks about how much more fun this would have been with them. He never goes into a full-on panic attack, but his brothers see when the light in his eyes dull just a bit, and they always make sure to stick a little bit closer on those days.

Todomatsu - Todomatsu’s first thought is that it’s some horribly distasteful prank by his brothers and gets really mad at them before trying to track down his s/o as he tries to ignore the rising panic in his chest. When he finds out that it’s actually true, he does panic. Much like Osomatsu, he wants to disappear and hope that when he comes back it turns out to be untrue. But unlike Osomatsu, he knows he can’t just do that, he has to be able to face this. But not right away. He spends the next few days in bed, refusing to get dressed, eat, go out, shower until his brothers literally drag him out of bed one day. He says he feels like there’s no point anymore and goes into an unexpected state of depression. His brothers try to talk to him about it, but he’s barely responsive, giving short, emotionless answers to everything. He’s apathetic as he gets dragged to the bathhouse, to Chibita’s, to Pachinko, wherever a brother thinks might trigger something in him to get him to react. Nothing changes until Ichimatsu finally convinces him to visit his s/o’s family, pointing out that they are also mourning. He does, and that’s where he finds his closure. He finds that he is able to talk openly with his s/o’s parents about them, and they laugh and cry together and he finally feels human again. When he leaves their house, his brothers are all waiting outside for him. Together they visit the grave of his s/o and he apologizes for losing himself and knows that that’s not what they would have wanted. Each brother pays his respects and together they walk home, feeling much lighter than they had in weeks. Totty has plenty of nightmares about his s/o, some graphic and terrifying, while others are unusual and end with his s/o disappearing in front of his eyes. Osomatsu or Karamatsu always rouse him from those dreams, his cheeks wet with tears. He gets to cuddle into their shoulder or back until he can fall back asleep, but neither of them say anything when they wake up. Todomatsu has a lot of gifts and souvenirs from his time with his s/o. Every now and then he’ll find one and smile fondly, putting them all in a special box. Everything seems to be going well enough until he finds the last gift his s/o gave him. He’d put it back in the bag and then hadn’t touched it after they’d died. He pulls it back out and finds a card he hadn’t noticed the first time. He heart clenches as he realizes that this card is the last thing they ever said to him, and he hadn’t even read it. It’s not particularly deep, and doesn’t hold any special meaning other than a simple “I’m glad we met, I was thinking about you” but to Todomatsu, it means everything and his brother finds him crying on the floor of their bedroom clutching a gift bag and a card. His brother holds him while he cries and puts the gift and card in his box. Later, Todomatsu pulls the card out and now sleeps with it under his pillow, re-reading it every night.

#smol scenarios #osomatsu san #suicide tw #death tw #panic attacks tw #alcohol as a coping mechanism #Mod Ari #Mod's first ask~#Long post #vomit t/w #u forgot to tag the characters ari #osomatsu #karamatsu #choromatsu #ichimatsu #jyushimatsu #todomatsu

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georgiabread · 8 years ago

Text

confused

summary: dan loves girls. right?

- a little story about learning to accept yourself.

word count: 2.9k

trigger warnings: a few homophobic slurs and some mild anxiety

a/n: i feel like there's a bit of gender stereotyping in here, but i couldn't really avoid it idk

Dan loves girls.

He loves the way their hair tumbles over their shoulders like silky waterfalls. He loves the way their dainty fingers fit tightly in his own. He loves it when they laugh, tinkle-y and soft as wisps of cloud. He loves how tight-fitting jeans accentuate their thighs, and low cut shirts expose their collarbones and cleavage. He loves the lipstick stains that pepper his neck. He loves the finely manicured nails scraping gently over his skin.

He loves girls.

When his girlfriend presses him against the lockers in between classes and her breasts crowd his own chest, his lust and yearning spiral out of control. When his parents are out and she grinds into his quickly-forming bulge that night, he bites down eagerly on her bottom lip and lets out a soft moan.

Girls are gorgeous. Mascara makes their eyes pop, his heart flutters when they grin with their teeth, their own strength makes them as admirable as ever. Dan can still remember his first crush – a freckled, mousy-haired girl by the name of Liddy. Even though they were both eight at the time, her hazel eyes intrigued him and his stomach hopped on a rollercoaster whenever she spoke to him. Sitting opposite each other in class in Year 3, a friendship was quickly formed through a shared tin of colouring pencils and a common adoration for one specific picture book. Liddy wanted to swing on the swing sets with him, talk about her annoying older siblings and have play-dates with him every weekend.

Dan just wanted to hold her hand. The only times she let him occurred when the class had to walk in two straight lines, “holding your partner’s hand very, very tightly!” as Miss Blair would say.

Every other time, Liddy would tell him with an endearing laugh, “I don’t want boy germs! That’s gross.” She never meant it, but she also never failed to sink Dan’s naïve little heart.

Liddy moved away in Year 5. On the first day when she wasn’t sitting across from him like she usually did, or begging him to play tag once they’d finished morning tea, Dan got home and cried into his mother’s shoulder.

Dan loves girls. He’s loved them since he knew how to love them. So he’s confused when, 17 years old and sitting quietly at his friends’ table during lunch, he finds he can’t tear his eyes away from the lips of his best friend Asher.

Asher. A boy.

He doesn’t know what Asher’s talking about. All he knows is that staring at the boy’s lips makes a spark burst within his heart – a spark normally reserved for girls only. And it terrifies him.

Dan has a girlfriend. Dan loves his girlfriend. Dan loves kissing his girlfriend.

So why does he want to kiss Asher? Asher, with the painful dad jokes and the obsession with vomit-inducing country music and the blonde fringe that flops messily over his face, the fringe Dan would love to brush away so he can see his pretty blue eyes better – shit.

He doesn’t know what’s happening to him.

Dan knows about gay people. He knows one or two personally. His uncle is currently seeing another man. But Dan’s not gay. He can’t be gay. Not when he loves staring at his girlfriend's boobs and texting her heart emoticons until 1 am.

Dan decides that he’s fucked up. He’s broken. Something’s wrong with him. And he doesn’t tell anyone about it.

Months rattle by, filled to the brim with exams and friendship dramas and any other difficulties you can think of. And Dan never stops thinking about boys – in that way. He suppresses it. God, he tries so hard to suppress it. He even yanks open his grandmother’s Bible at one point to see what the supposed gay-hater has to say about all this. He doesn’t find anything useful.

But it isn't just Asher he stares at. His gaze lingers on the features of other boys – dark gentle eyes, wavy hair, other kissable lips – and he doesn’t know what do with himself and his hormones when he’s stood in a locker room surrounded by muscular, bare-chested boys. And it overwhelms him.

During one of his familiar 3 am Wikipedia odysseys, Dan is reminded of his identity crisis and worries for a moment before clicking off the page about the Battle of Sedan in 1870. He opens up the search bar on his phone.

I like girls and boys, he types with quivering thumbs.

Multiple websites and forums slide onto his screen. Dan considers them, before tapping one. Nearly an hour later and he’s managed to find satisfaction in the information he’s gathered. So far, his feelings suggest he’s bisexual – attracted to males and females. Or he could be pansexual, but he doesn’t really understand that one, so he discards it for the moment.

“Bisexual.” Dan whispers it into the pitch black shadows of his bedroom, the only things willing to listen. It sounds…odd on his tongue. He’s never considered himself something other than straight, so he’s not sure how he feels about being something else. He’s not even sure if he is something else.

Dan isn’t willing to accept it. No fucking way. He can’t be anything other than straight because…what if his parents find out? What if his friends find out? What if he gets bullied just for…staring at a guy too long or…being a complete weirdo by taking a guy’s hand or something? Dan’s anxieties suffocate him, and he fumbles to load up YouTube – a popular escape of his when everything becomes too much to handle.

All the vloggers he’s subscribed to – none of them have uploaded anything. Goddammit, where’s the new content? Dan wonders bitterly. Just when I really need you guys, you’re not there.

Okay, he might sound a little overdramatic. But YouTube is his counselling session and the YouTubers are his therapists. He’ll never tell his parents how much he needs a real one. They don’t have the money anyway.

In desperation, Dan clicks the first thing in his recommendations without even looking at the thumbnail. After four excruciating seconds of buffering, a face pops up on the screen. And not just any face. Dan’s stomach does that flippy-over thing again because of it. Shit, he needs to control that.

“Howdy folks, so this week I haven’t been on the internet like hardly at all, because I’ve been outside absorbing radiation into my face,” a pale-skinned, ebony-haired boy explains immediately to the camera.

Dan snorts a little at his words, partly listening and partly lost in his bright cerulean eyes. His eyes wander to his lips, his shoulders as they fill out a yellow-and-black check shirt, the light dusting of chest hair peering out from an open collar. He learns that the guy's name is Phil – or AmazingPhil – he tends to attract weird people/situations, and he’s a genius when it comes to editing. How does he even get those pictures to move across the screen? Dan asks himself incredulously.

When the video ends, Dan can’t help but feel a little disappointed. He tells himself it’s not because he misses looking at AmazingPhil’s face. Then his eyes drop to the subscriber count – over 6000 people watch his videos. Dan shakes his head in disbelief, hits subscribe and enters his channel to find a new video. (Just to see if this guy is really worth his time, Dan tries to convince himself).

Dan loves boys.

He loves staring when shirts cling to their muscular frames. He loves listening to their voices, low and sultry with the occasional endearing voice crack. He loves it when they push back their hair and expose their whole face. He loves the strong curves of their jaw, the broad shoulders, the way their Adam’s apple dances when they swallow. He loves how strong their arms feel beneath his hands. He loves how protected his fingers are when they’re curled in those of another boy.

He loves boys. But he hasn’t entirely accepted it yet.

Concealing his feelings is harder than he expected. Hiding spontaneous erections, losing himself in a boy’s eyes, relentlessly reassuring his girlfriend that he still loves her – those are just some of the difficulties he faces. He joins forums and talks about what he’s going through. He tries imagining himself in a relationship with a boy, just to see if he’d really want it. He does.

Dan's girlfriend is a bit of a challenge. He does love her, but this sexuality crisis chucks a wall between them and Dan is petrified. What if she finds out? What if she thinks he's gay and ditches him? What if she tells the whole school, and the story spreads and people call him faggot and queer and – god forbid – his parents find out?

It isn’t his girlfriend who tells the whole school.

The day after a blurry house party, some guy he’s never spoken to jogs up to him and asks, “Is it true you hooked up with Lucas last night?”

Dan’s stomach plummets. All he remembers from the party is dancing bodies, some kind of fight between two dickheads, and downing an unhealthy amount of alcohol before flirting with a dark-haired guy – oh. Oh.

Lucas. The boy in his biology class he may or may not have fantasised about. Dan blinks and all of a sudden hazy memories flash through his brain. He sees Lucas pressed against a wall, feverishly sticking his tongue down Dan's throat and…Dan loves it. He kisses the boy with a fierce intensity, fingers trailing up his arms and under his shirt and through his hair, and it feels so right. Moments later Lucas takes his hand and fumbles with the door handle of the closest bedroom.

Dan squeezes his eyes shut and buries his face in his hands. He doesn’t remember anything else after that. Except a feeling of ecstasy. But he knows he didn’t sleep with Lucas – his ass doesn’t hurt and he’s pretty sure an experience like that would be stuck in his mind for all eternity.

So…a blowjob. Or something like that. Fuck.

Everyone’s talking about it. The hushed voices intensify when Dan passes Lucas in the hallway; the boy’s eyes are trained to the old lino tiles and his face is flushed red. Dan wants to apologise. But Lucas avoids him at all costs.

Dan's girlfriend breaks it off as the school days ends. She snarls at him with spite behind her eyes in the hallway and calls him a worthless fag. The words tear Dan's heart to pieces.

That night, tears clouding his vision and thoughts caught up in a hurricane, he opens YouTube again and struggles to find AmazingPhil’s channel. By now he’s been subscribed for a few months, and he just can’t get enough of the dark-haired boy. Not only does he take Dan’s breath away, but his fears and anguish as well. Phil’s channel is a safe haven, and Dan can’t get enough.

After ten videos, he decides to open up Twitter again and loads his hundredth tweet to Phil, clinging to the frail hope that one day the guy will reply. He doesn’t expect to receive one that very night.

haha ^.^ thank you & I think we’d be good friends :) @danhowell

Dan’s heart stutters. Stops. Restarts. He doesn’t even remember what he said first. His jaw hangs slack as he receives the notification and his eyes scan once, twice, a billion times over the small tweet. He favourites it, before rolling over and screaming into his pillow.

AmazingPhil just replied to him. Phil Lester, a god – out of everyone, he noticed him. Dan looks back at his phone, and now his hands are trembling and he wants to cry for a different reason.

For the first time in a long time, Dan falls asleep happy.

Dan loves girls and boys.

He loves the way they laugh, giggling, snorting or letting out obnoxious guffaws. He loves the shape of their faces and how they look when they smile. He loves the feeling of their lips pressed to his skin, whether gentle or rough. He loves noticing details about them – the crinkles behind their eyes, the freckles on their nose, the bitten nails, the curve of their hips. He loves holding their hand or running his fingers through their hair or tying their shoes for them.

He loves girls and boys. And he’s almost comfortable with that.

But Dan loves one boy specifically. He currently has his head resting on this boy’s chest, his curly hair brushing against this boy’s neck as he lays between his legs. The boy’s arms are encircling his waist and playing with his fingers. A movie is running on the old TV, but Dan can barely pay attention to it.

He loves Phil. It’s an unalterable fact. He’s loved Phil since he discovered his videos. But meeting him for the first time, sinking into his arms at the train station, clinging to his hand, spending the day with him in Manchester…Dan has fallen in love with him.

He doesn’t know if Phil loves him back.

Dan’s eyes flutter closed for a moment, and he allows himself to focus on Phil’s chest as it rises and falls beneath him, Phil’s fingertips dipping and swirling over his hands, Phil’s cheek resting partially atop his head. He is surrounded by Phil. And he loves it.

But Phil…Phil won’t want to be with him. Dan is a disaster of a human being, he’s worthless and immature and his body is just disgusting and…he doesn’t even know if Phil likes boys. And besides, why would Phil – who’s four years older than him and has experienced so much more – ever love him in that way?

Dan hasn’t kissed a boy since the Lucas incident. He’s not entirely sure he’ll be very good at kissing Phil.

The movie comes to an end, sooner than expected, and Dan and Phil are still cuddled on the green and blue duvet, watching the credits roll by. They lie there in peaceful silence for a few moments before Phil breaks it.

“I don’t want you to go home,” he mumbles shyly into Dan’s hair.

Dan isn’t expecting those words, and his stomach somersaults when he hears them. Warmth quickly blooms on his cheeks, and yet his heart breaks at the sorrow weighing upon Phil’s voice. Phil shouldn’t be sad. Phil doesn’t deserve to be sad.

Nerves coursing through his veins, Dan turns in Phil’s lap and stares up at him, placing one hand on his chest to remain steady. He waits until Phil's electric blue eyes meet his dark ones and draws a small breath. "You are my home," he tells him sincerely.

And then Phil does the last thing he expects. There’s fingers on his cheek and a warm look in Phil’s eyes, and they’re kissing.

Dan takes a second to register what’s happening – Phil’s lips are soft like cushions pressing gently against his own, almost afraid that Dan will break. And then Dan kisses back, deepening it, a passionate affirmation that he wants this, god he wants this so bad. Phil tastes like winter, dew-drops and the galaxy, and he smells like safety and scented candles as his fingers tangle in Dan’s hair. They’re close, so close, and Phil is tugging Dan forward, swiping his tongue over his bottom lip and Dan almost opens his mouth to allow entrance when he realises –

He’s kissing a boy for the second time in his life. He loves it. He’s hooked on Phil, but it’s overwhelming him.

Dan accidentally lets out a muffled grunt and pulls away, winding his arms around Phil’s neck as he pauses. His eyes fall shut. He desperately fills his lungs, breathless after the kiss. He can feel Phil’s concerned gaze without even looking at him.

“Dan…” Phil murmurs anxiously. “Are you alright? Did you…not want this?”

Immediately shaking his head, Dan lifts his head and meets Phil’s fearful eyes. “No, no, I do…I do want this,” he says quietly, reassuring him with a gentle peck on the lips. “It’s just…it’s been a while since I kissed a boy, and I’m still…adjusting to my sexuality, I guess. I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

Phil sighs softly and brushes his fringe out of his eyes, before pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead. “You don’t need to apologise for anything. I’m sorry, for rushing you and pressuring you,” he tells him.

“But…but wouldn’t you want someone who actually knows their own identity? I’m so fucked up, Phil, I can’t even kiss you properly,” Dan says, averting his eyes to his lap.

“Hey.” There’s pressure on his jaw as Phil gently lifts his head up. Dan struggles not to look at him until Phil brushes his thumb over the corner of his lip. “I’ll wait for you – for as long as you need,” Phil says. “And for the record, that’s one of the best kisses I’ve ever had.”

Red spreads across Dan’s cheeks and he leans forward, hiding his smile in Phil’s shoulder. “I think I’m in love with you,” he blurts into the boy’s t-shirt, the words making it past his lips before he can even register them.

But Phil doesn’t reject him. Instead, he seems to sigh in relief and plants a lingering kiss on the top of Dan’s head. “Thank god. I was thinking the same thing.”

Dan loves girls and boys. And that’s okay.

phanfics

#phan #phanfiction #dan and phil #phan fluff #phan angst #sexuality crisis #homophobic slurs #anxiety #this is lowkey me expressing my emotions #i love this tho i'm proud of it

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