#idk if it will get finished or even started but at least i have the concepts for all of em down 🫡
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Idk if this is a huge request or not, but could you explain more about Bell? (The shitten in your au)
I would be thankful, take care.
Yeah, ive done like... 3 pieces of her max but she gets SO many asks lol. the story isn't really ready for her yet, and i'd like to finish what im working on before i do more with her, but i'll give the basic rundown.
she LITTERALY started as a joke baby post but she got so much interaction i said i'd expand on her design and now she seems to just have a following of simps (oops, like lamb like daughter)
most of the old ideas for ewen and nari with her are out of date now on the art, but heres a bunch of plot and some unposted sketches under cut
Nari and Ewen are married and leading the cult still. all the siblings have kids, grandkids and even great grandkids (excluding shamura). Its only after they decide having a child is someone for them to love and raise, not someone who they're forcing the cycle of trauma on that they have Bell. And they adore her. While growing up, one by one, the former bishops, all her aunts, uncles, and shamura decided it was time to peacefully end their long lives. So she sees death as a good thing, the satisfying end to a long life story. So when Ewen and Narinder are ready to die together, even though they say she doesn't have to, she takes on the crown and ends if for them with a last "i love you" between them. She runs the cult now which is more themed around their shared neck wound "rings" and their relationship than just the lamb. She's called "the black sheep" by her followers (or queen if they're kinky, princess when shes younger). she wields the crown as a pair of horns and a sythe, sine the cult of the black rings also referenced Ewen's large black horns and she keeps up the theme.
Baal and Aym are her "brothers" (more of her body guards and technically her cousins but she refuses to call them anything else) and her body guards, staying after their master's death. They've known her since she was a baby and still treat her as one sometimes. She's VERY protective over them, but also will bully them sometimes, like kicking their asses when training and saying they're just going easy on her like when she was a kid, knowing full well she's overpowered by the crown.
Because shes such an oddity, the mystic seller assigned one of their followers to keep an eye on her and, much like her "ba ba" she found the overpowered demigod shes now obsessed with. With some help from Ewen before they passed, they were able to translate their glyphs. Now that helper follows her around disguised as a poor imitation of a regular mortal to better understand her and the mortal realm. Or at least thats what she convinced them to do since she wants them around <3 probably not to their masters liking lol. I haven't decided on a name yet. Bell eventually give them the purple crown (they/it)
Before they left, Narinder was trying to reawaken the crowns, whether for the memory of his siblings, or that the cult was growing too large to be centered on the red crown. They're not very powerful right now and Bell is the leader of the others, more like a babysitter.
The blue crown is with Kalliope (kalli for short) (she/her), a distant relative of Kallamar's who had to fight, both physically and socially, with all her other of age relatives to get the chance, since Kallamar's polycule made a LOT of kids and grand kids. She's kind of bitchy about it and whines about everyone not respecting her or how hard she worked. shes a flamboyant cuttlefish and trans femme. also the crown is worn like an earring. Bell has little tolerance for her and they have a lot of bitchy girl fights.
The green crown is with isop (a kinda combo of isopod and aesop) (he/him) who is a rubber ducky isopod. he's Leshy's great great grandkid, and really only god the crown because no one else on the peaceful forest farm leshy put together in his later years really wanted it and figured it meant free babysitting. he's pretty young and small with a fascination for chaos and violence that only little kids without developed social perception can have, though he more watches at this point. The others tend to carry him or he rolls around in a little ball. The crown is worn like glasses.
The orange crown is with Mycelia (lia for short) (they/them plural) who is a homunculus mushroomo made through experimentation by Heket and Sozo before they died. they're the only one who is actually older than Bell. They're undying because they're a hive mind of all the mushroomo, who have been progressively growing. They can see everything the others see, can spout new bodies when needed and even feed on their own dead bodies. Bell sometimes just kills them when they're frustrated with them or other things. They'd be a threat but they're very monotone and emotionless about pretty much everything and don't care. They've worked with the red crown just because death is a natural boon to fungus and keeps them alive. The orange crown is worn as a necklace.
Heres some sketches since I haven't been able to get the designs to my liking but people keep asking so :T
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Lunatic Blue Ch 9 (Gore TW || Hetalia Doujinshi)
YEAHHHHH AFTER 4 YEARS. 4 YEARS. 4 YEARS.
木綿ドゥフ does it again with another very incredible chapter~ I missed this series so much! The wait was definitely worth it, this chapters as great as the others! I wish I could've finished it faster, I even put My Arika on hold lol, but I had assignments and such D;
There's no gore in this chapter but it's still full of horror and suspense!
If you haven't read this series yet, I HIGHLY recommend it, definitely one of my top top favorites, idk if I like any other more than it. Altho, I started doing a lot to "clean" the pages, which I didn't in the beginning. How much I've grown in both cleaning and translating within this 3 year gap is greatly exemplified in this series... Which is great, but in other words, that also means the first chapters are very drastically... I've been saying for a long time I want to re-do them, I started re-doing the first chapter a couple years back but never finished lol but finally the other day I decided to update it, posting what I have at least. Lets hope my renewed motivation is enough to actually finished...
Since it's been so long, I recommend even those who have read this series to re-read it before reading this one. Anyway, sorry for the long intro! Please enjoy! Here's a list of the prev chapters too:
Lunatic Blue 1
Lunatic Blue 2
Lunatic Blue 3
Lunatic Blue 4
Lunatic Blue 5
Lunatic Blue 6
Lunatic Blue 7
Lunatic Blue 8
I was too lazy to actually redraw this last page, sorry >.> Look at him mad broody tho lol
Also, I accidentally made this and thought it looked cool so I thought I'd add it in lol:
Notes:
Rather than "sir", child Alfred calls Arthur "nii-san" which means "older brother", but it's also largely used to refer to any older young man.
Rather than "the excitement" (of space), America says "romance", but I was afraid any young and/or American readers wouldn't get that it's meant in an excitement sense, not like love kind of romance.
I'm still not that great at translating, I had to guess for a lot of the sound effects bc English onomatopoeia sucks D;
The expression I tled to "prideful" literally is "hates to lose"
If anyone wants to make a clean version
I did not make this series, I'm just your friendly neighborhood translator~
#cw knife#tw knife#tw blood#hetalia#hetalia dj#hetalia doujin#hetalia doujinshi#aph italy#aph germany#aph america#aph england#aph prussia#aph france#aph spain#aph bad friends trio#aph bad touch trio#hetalia germany#hetalia america#hetalia prussia#hetalia italy#feliciano vargas#ludwig beilschmidt#alfred f jones#gilbert beilschmidt#lunatic blue#gurotalia#angst
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[ID in ALT] I've made posts before about Talia/Dick co-parenting Damian moments (will never happen but let me dream) and this came to me in a vision. Took me ages to finish for some reason 😭 and then even longer to post
#dc comics#dc#damian wayne#dick grayson#talia al ghul#batfamily#dc robin#nightwing#anyway. yes im a self-indulgent ''dick as damians secret third parent'' truther#like i DO think it's way more complex and nuanced than the schmoopy affectionate fan portrayal of it#they're brothers they're father and son they're partners they're the dynamic duo except only in past tense etc etc#but consider! I'm not immune to schmoopy affection in fanworks. it compells me despite itself#anyway it's technically not that crazy when it comes to dick and damian. they hug! often! at least they did#it's not as big a leap to these types of scenarios#also talia ''somewhat absent for complex reasons on both her and damians part but very loving and loved by her son'' al ghul#you will always be famous to me#son of the demon origin...bwahhh#anyway. someone made a comic kind of like this/like a post i made abt this topic#but way funnier bc dick and talia starting trying to beat each other up#so go look at that as well#anyway. it's been a somewhat difficult few weeks so I'm. desperately trying to take it easy#i got some reading with me (first vol of kevin smiths GA run that i found second hand and jaimes BB run vol 2!)#so we'll see how far i get through those. considering there's demons in my head telling me to re-read things (LET ME OUT!!!)#when i finish GA and BB i do plan on rereading robin 2021. as a treat to myself#it's a run I've really warmed up to as time went on#I'm keeping up w/ the current b&r run even though it is. admittedly very slow w/ some weird dialogue#i read it for the damian content more than anything. also nikas back so that's neat :]#idk I have a feeling that after absolute power shakes out we might get some more creative team switch ups#so if anyone at dc is interested in taking over the reigns on b&r...that could be very neat#mine
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pepito…..
#qsmp#fanart#art#pepito#pepito the egg#wittle guy#this is actually a design for the pepito cup rhfhdhhebahajn#idk if it will get finished or even started but at least i have the concepts for all of em down 🫡#500 woah#to the tags uhm hey pepito is a boy and uses he/him he said so himself to mariana during the prison arc 😭 stop correcting each other bro 😭😭#the no prns was a joke like headcanons r fine but stop spreading misinformation 🙏🙏🙏 if anyone wants the clip lmk
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part 1 of a little comic / art sequence that i've been working on! :D it's part tribute, part experimenting with brushes n colors and trying new thingz :]
| 1 | 2 | ... |
and thus continues my endless quest of spreading the carrot fics like a plague! if you've seen my art floating around you probs already figured that this au holds a very special place in my heart, forever and always!!
if you haven't heard of it, it's a fic series by @crowned-ladybug called carrot soup!! it made me wish i could speak colors and i need more people to share my struggle xd
go check it out if you're into sweet voice lore and qpr level gayness and just wanna feel warm and soft and warm (hurt/comfort my beloved) <333 there are some heavier themes cos everyone's traumatized but they're working through it! be sure to check the tags and stay safe! <3
#hlvrai#half life vr but the ai is self aware#frenrey#carrots au#<- gotta remember to tag the other ones as well#yippie im so excited to finally start sharing these with people!!!#there will be at least 5 parts in total maybe more idk#i just wanted to illustrate this little snippet of the first fic#maybe i'll draw more of these if i get another vision#i am still trying to work on the animatic so that would probs include most of my visions anyway#i think im gonna post a wip sometime soon just in case i lose interest#also i crave validation and reading people's tags and comments makes me so so so happy!!!><#btw it kinda feels nice posting something like. after a while#cos it's been quite a bit since i finished this first.. part? page? thingy#and it's nice to finally stay out of the whole instant gratification thing#please do still go crazy in the tags tho? if u want?#mkay enough rambling for today i've got things to do#like be cozy n read fanfics n drink water n stuff yk?#all the important thingz#and who knows maybe i'll even make some progress on.. whatever it is that piques my interest today#bye for now!!! take care and have a very orange day <3#art tag or whatever
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can i get on his shoulder if im being annoying enough
#wow i think i actually tried#i mean the rendering and the body and stuff#probably the most exposed character i've drawn#you know#compared with basically any other characters i draw that doesn't even show an inch of skin#oh well at least you gotta start somewhere#seriously i should learn / practice something about art now because i just finished my fucking horrible monthly meeting yesterday-#-and i SHOULD have some time for that kind of stuff now#by “should” i mean there's a high chance i will spend that time on other games#also i bought ror2 btw#it was on sale so i bought the main game#idk when i'll get around to it but i bet im gonna crunch through another game's wiki before even touching the game#just like basically any other games i played#don't ask me why i do that i kinda just do#risk of rain 2#ror2#ror2 commando#mithrix#my art
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It's pomegranate season :)
A redraw of this piece from around a year ago
#hello guys...(:#i started school back in mid September! its hell#and my chronic pain is rly bad these days i can barely do anything#and my next break will be spent at the hospital#but love and light at least we're trucjing along and getting somewhere hopefully#this drawing isn't exactly the most finished the most effortful what have you but its all i can guve you#confession time: idk if i have it in me to keep drawing the guys#dont get me wrong still adore them. but i feel a little out of it#maybe this'll change the second i post this but whatever.#i had an amazing time being active in the fandom you guys are so sweet and you got me thru rough patches <3#I'll still be around just even more inactive#anyway i hope you enjoy this!!!#i feel like I've improves substantially which is good#cwilbur#dsmp fanart#my art#thx to everyone that's loved my art yall hold a special place in my heart#alright bye bye xoxo#ps esteemed mutuals and lovely audience never hesitate talking to me i am always around and i love ppl I'm just socially anxious#fennec.art
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writer's block is debilitating atm. i want to write soooooooooo badly but im just sitting here staring at google docs with 0 neuron activation
#also i hate to admit it but ive felt kinda weird writing phanfic lately :/#bc idk. seeing them irl at tit kinda made me think about it too much i guess#plus the revelation that they (or at least phil) lurk and they might see it ldsvlknlsknvlsfn id have to kms#im still debating deleting after the “someone on tumblr will write about that” comment#still trying to convince myself it wasnt about me but i will never know for sure and now i always feel mildly uncomfortable on here :(#maybe im also self sabotaging a bit because i dont really want to finish any of my wips#bc then i should post them. but i dont want to bc what if they flop dslnlnsnvlknvl#i am starting to resent these wips but at the same time theyre still my babies#i always used to think writing was like my Thing. but now im starting to feel like i cant write for shit lmfao#and it's really hard to write if writing just makes you feel stupid#maybe this is just seasonal depression idk#when phil said in his fanfic video rpf is fine as long as you dont cross certain lines#i thought the line was trying to make them aware of it/taking it beyond fan spaces. but now im second guessing everything i write#one of my wips is kinda dark/very angsty and im worried that it gets too deep into mental health stuff#even though it is an alternate timeline au so it's really about 2 fictional characters based on them. but still im worried it's too serious#especially since someone mentioned the bluebird fic recently. i havent read it but now im stressed that my fic is too dark#in a similar way. spoiler alert lmao but this fic was supposed to culminate in dan getting outed by a friend and having a breakdown#but now im wondering if im doing too much and i should just drop this whole idea ugh
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wip thing...
of my bg3 avatar hellebore. i also did some casual nude studies of my 3 characters which i'll put under a cut... rather unlike me after all. (so WARNING for abrupt non-sexual full Artistic nudity lol...,,,,) (< won't be making a habit of this)
they mean the world to me
#bg3 spoilers#?? idk. gith look so..Emaciated. And long. i guess we don't eat on the astral plane :) anyway..well..too much to say.....#it is very very very depressing having to live in the Real World after that final playthrough meant so very much to me.#i normally feel Hope & suchlike after finishing a highly immersive emotional game..but it's too hard this time and it hurtsssss lol yippee#i appreciate bg3 very much for being a place where i could access the concept of nudity & such like in a way that finally felt comfortable.#bodies are inherently non-sexual. they just Are a Fact of Life. this game being NORMAL about nudity from the character creation screen#makes it possible for someone like me to actually have a chance at accessing sensuality in a way that feels comfortable from there.#dont feel like putting it into words further. im ace. just very grateful to this game. even despite the horrors i will never ever forget it#augoh..gugf.. want to go back. my friends & love are in there.....i'm supposed to just move on? in the real world??? THIS place???? UHH????#my characters canonically look like that too!! i see them as intersex and not so much trans. They just look that way.#Diversity win!!! the people who enacted horrors upon you and are trying to kill you again respect your pronouns!!!! <3#I FAILED HONOUR MODE IN THE STUPIDEST WAY POSSIBLE..ACCIDENTALLY TOUCHED AN ITEM. MY LOVER TOUCHED SOME BLOOD-TOUCHED RAG ITEM @ THE CRECHE#AND MY PEOPLE MASSACRED US... YOU BELOVED PRAT. OF COURSE IT WOULD BE YOU AND IN THIS WAY#grateful for love triangle chaos...INTENSE EX DRAMA... IT HAD MAJOR REPURCUSSIONS THIS TIME...ohh so very much happened ohh my dear#truly don't know how to face the Real World now for real. I Don't Know. something has snapped. ive realised twt just makes me feel sad lol#if something in my spare time isn't at least half as fun as bg3....like.. it's not good enough. god we only have one wild and precious life#being Online makes me feel a loneliness so wretched and painful and horrible i really don't think this is the answer.#Why did you even start drawing in the first place? Why did you start this?#For real..the need to work this out and decide what on earth i'm going to do now has presented itself. Why try to get better..why be online#someone who has an imagination that can keep them so happy and fulfilled...has no business also feeling a loneliness as profound as this.#why was someone THIS introverted and withdrawn and anxious also cursed with such a restlessness?#What are you going to DO now? because hellebore and their lover are fine....... So what about you...?#hellebore..😭😭 AUUGHH!! I JUST WANT TO GO TO MY BED IN THE INN...PLAY ON MY VIOLIN THAT'S WHAT I'D DO!!!! i'd drink some ALE DAMNIT!!!!!#i was rereading My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness- the only time i've seen this level of emotional isolation depicted-and was grateful.#but then i read her latest book and now she has a debilitating substance abuse situation and it's upsetting.#I hope she finds what she was looking for. I hope we all make it. kind of wild that i dont do such major self-sabotage at this point myself#I truly think anyone who manages to find dear friends and achieve fulfillment and happiness with others outside themselves are amazing.#I see it happen from my tower. i hope we all make it. I hope we can make it through everything to come.#Why did i say all this on drawings of my characters naked. ah who even cares any more......
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Finally finished Attack on Titan. My God. Just. Wow.
#I started it when it first came out then was very odd and on#I eventually watched like 3 seasons in and never watched the last season or the long finale eps#I started getting my brother more into anime over the last like 2 years or so#he discovered AOT and finished it a while ago now and has been pushing for me to finish it too for like probably over a year at least#I’ve always been reluctant cause it’s such a heavy show and I had to be in the mood#finally the stars aligned tonight and we watched the final finale ep.#I cried several times.#it was perfect#it was painful and perfect#my fucking heart#hard to believe I finally finished it after over a decade from when I started it#and now I have lots of convos about it with my brother to look forward to#we’ve already discussed plenty tonight. but it’s getting late and idk if my brain’s even fully processed it all#attack on titan#top tier in my books#I don’t think I could ever do justice to the show trying to explain what was so good about it#gotta appreciate the little things. need to take the time to look at where I am rather than just where I want to reach.#peace and freedom are always worth reaching for even if war and suffering are inevitable to life. cherish the lives around you.#those are my takeaways from the series. those are the messages I received. and what a tragic and beautiful journey it was.
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10.20.2023 // gonna get bit by that thing
also bonus crop from the desktop wallpaper because i liked it, it made me happy 🥺
#illustration#original art#ocs#oc: ren#this felt like a bit of a slog to start up and get finished which pains me to say tbh because at the heart of it i enjoy this lad!!!#but i think the character was kind of in a weird resentful place in my heart for a bit#and as much as i wanted to whip up an oc card of the golden boy for myself i also. Did Not Want To At All.#other people wanted him included which was like. kind of the main driving force. glad they wanted one of him tho.#also ive just beennnnnnnnnnn not doing too hot both mentally and kind of physically so that may have played a part in not finishing this#normally i start tanking around march and reach my low point in may and things get better a little after that into january but no dice#it was just a lot easier to zone out and play video games than try to work on things even if it made me feel bad to do that#wish i could say things were getting better but uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ✌️✨#anyway im going to probably lay down for a bit#literally or metaphorically idk#had a good rest over the weekend but i need like. at least thirty more rests of that caliber in a row i think.
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In case it's hard to read/understand: "If I had a nickel for every time I had a story with a blonde girl named after a plant, who has a German father and a French mother but absolutely hates said mom, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice."
weird, extremely-specific tropes in my stories: pt 1
#oc liveblogging#ughhhhhhh i really CANNOT afford to be procrastinating rn but i know this happens when im extremelyyyyyy fucking stressed.#creative/art related classes always get me for this reason bc ill use 'wait but i need to find inspiration!' as an excuse to procrastinate.#fuckkkkkkkkkk. UGH IM NOT EVEN WRITING SOMETHING FROM SCRATCH ITS JUST A FINAL REVISION BUT IM CONVINCED IT SUCKS#the worst part is hkjhkjGHKJ I HAVE TO PRESENT SOME OF THIS SHIT AT AN. INTERNATIONAL FUCKING CONFERENCE GUYS. GUYSYSSSS#anyways this post is sadly not related to that. nothing im presenting is related to my ocs [un]fortunately lmao#ive just been thinking rotating various oc stories around in my head again ourgghhhh.#and i realized this LMAO. i mean maybe technically not 2 separate stories anymore because im recycling a lot from one for the other?#one of these was already established lowkey and the other was something i made for an assignment for a class like 2 years ago#i actually don't know if petunie will be blonde in her final incarnation?? ive always imagined her as silvery blonde ig but idk#if ill keep that. she doesnt have proper colors like colin but at least colin has his design set more straight somewhat.#and all the recent petunie development is lowkey really fucking funny to think abt. i girlbossed with her character development so#hard that she really replaced lucian as a protagonist HAHAJSDHKGJ. ok well not 100% kamille's story is a shoot-off#of lucian's technically? i guess? it started becoming that and now its solidified as that lowkey bc same town same place time period people#but man if im not careful i might accidentally make kamille/petunie's arc THE default one and lucian's main one the offshoot instead#a lot remains to be seen. but also yeah the other one who's story is mostly getting recycled (myrtille) actually ALSO HAD HER MOM#COME FROM THIS SAME FUCKING PLACE BASICALLY. a few decades later but still bruh given developments for lucian's story too its just like#at this point im noticing a pattern man wtf is wrong w/ women who come from this town specifically lol. 😔🥴#this town in general is just fucking cursed though i think ahkjshkg. i mean that jokingly and literally lolololl i gotta. work on it. but y#I HATE IT HERE WHY ARE WEIRD LITTLE FUCKING TOWNS WHERE BAD SHIT HAPPENS ALWAYS A CONSISTENT TROPE IN MY STORIES /silly#I DONT EVEN COME FROM A WEIRD LITTLE TOWN MY HOMETOWN IS LIKE. AVERAGE NORMALISH NOT SUPER LARGE??? IDFK?????#haaaaaaa fuck i need to finish this by the end of TODAY I S2G!!! SO I CAN MOVE ON TO ALL THE OTHER SHIT I OWE FUCKKKK
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another doodle :3 mtt clothing swap!
DUST STOP SERVING WITH HORROR AND TAKE YOUR DEAD ASS BROTHERS SCARF OFF KILLER HES ABOUT TO HAVE A MOVIE REALISTIC PANIC ATTACK
#this is what bad sanses is to me#horrordust having the time of their lives and then the world + nightmare being out for killer#no because why do they look good in each others clothes. actually why did i ask theyre mtt OF COURSE they look good in eachothers clothes#i cant tell im just biased or not but dust doesnt look that bald without the hood the way i drew him#he looks FAR too similar to classic in my style though its unnerving. ive been noticing that recently its scary#change the colors on him thats classic. thats sans undertale#killer a PAPYRUS behind you 💙#hold up wait hold on??? DUST outfit killer... HORROR outfit dust... KILLER outfit horror........#that order of swaps is just like a certain other trio of mine. i wonder who. huh#swapinverse reference (only i understand because i have not told much about swapinverse to anyone)#triglycercule when will you stop talking about swapinverse when nobody knows about it and actually start swapinverse posting!!!!!#never (when i finish the full doc including character details and actual multiverse lore)#which will likely be in like 2027 or something idk man im a slow worker#slow in working and physical activity too 💔💔💔 triglycercule what can you not not do?#i can be unnecessarily into 3 freaks who dont even know eachother and put them into every situation together#truely comedic. thank you i know. i am truly a comic. call me the muse of comedy. call me....... thalia (gets shot)#ANOTHER swapinverse reference???? WE CANNOT LET BRO GET AWAY WITH THIS ‼️‼️‼️‼️#was gonna say bruh but then i realized i would sound too much like epic and um#listen epic i like you but id rather shoot myself than speak like you bruh#yet another doodle where killer is the butt of the joke. at least its not like 90% of other jokes like this#where killer either gets the shit beaten out of him or he gets yelled at or someone gets angry at him#i dont have the right to criticize the majority of the fandom's humor ill silence myself#tricule art#THIS one goes in tricule art because its digital and not traditional. i know thats medium discrimination. i dont care#can you believe i only drew this during a 5 hour flight. seriously. 5 HOURS 4 ONLY THIS?????#whatever at least ive been drawing. bare minimum is best minimum#as long as i keep draw...... eventually ill improve....... its literally impossible if i dont improve if i dont keep drawing#imGONNA improve soon trust (when will it happne 😞😞😞☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️)
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household enemy to the yyh watchthrough number one is the olympics. it's taken us a week to get two episodes into the gamemaster fight
#out of three. please the third episode's what makes it okay im fighting for my life out here#it is NOT for lack of trying on my part but theres only a brief window of time when the olympics is not happening#and as it turns out the watchthrough is Not my mom's first priority (how dare she etc)#i do feel slightly bitter that we've gotten through two eps of band o brothers in the same time#we are fighting for the same timeslots yet somehow the hour long show's gotten a leg up??#you don't have time for a 23 min ep but DO for a 60 min one?? explain the math to me please#idk how to explain the vague feeling of betrayal bc it Does Not make sense Nor matter in the slightest#but cmonnnn we were doing so well. and my little bro's starting up school again soon and my dad's gotta go back to work#sometimes eventually (<- hes on medical leave) and my grandparents are coming over next week We're Losing Time Soon#ughhh if i'd known the olympics were happening (<- somehow completely oblivious to this) i'd have accounted for#my mom getting whisked away by the land of synchronized divers and shot putters and whatever the hell#happens in the summer olympics (<- only pays attention to winter olys)#bc that always happens. and *i* have to go back to school in Some Amount Of Time Im Too Scared To Check (p sure it's late aug though) and#when that happens i'll (hopefully) be stuck across town which means we won't be able to do it any time besides the weekends#and i don't wannaaaaa#i know this is the least important problem anyone's ever had like i get that i know but#it's important to me that they sit down and watch this with me. and watching it pull apart and being#the one who's easily the most invested it makes me look all desperate when i ask them for their time and they can't give it#we can only pull this off neatly in the summer and we were so close and now we're losing it right at the finish line#i don't want life to get in the way of this little bubble i've fought so hard to make y'know#and it's childish and embarrassing and whatever but i just want them to have fun with me with this thing i care about a lot#but i can't do that bc my mom needs to watch the judo matches at Every weight class#even though she's recording a lot of them? i don't understand but whatever i know it's her thing im just moping about it ig#i want it to be as perfect an experience for them as possible and it's slipping away from me#and i don't wanna leave this project unfinished when i start school y'know. sighh#i think they might feel like i only want them around when we're watching stuff. whcih is weird bc that's like#The Singular Way we family bonded literally my whole life so idk why they wouldn't get that when reversed#but either way that IS how i wanna spend time with them. i want them to understand this thing that's become a part of me#and i wanna talk With them about it. and so far it's been fun in a way it's never been before. my mom at least seems to really like it#and i want it to Keep going well bc if we lose momentum im worried they'll start finding it tedious. sighh
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i NEED to get back into writing but it's so hard and im being so brave about it😭
#i have so many tabs open i keep changing my mind about what i should write#ive just been fucking around on my laptop for like an hour idk what im doing#at first i was like well i could just warm up with some random prompts. but then i was like thats not motivating enough rn#so i was like okay i'll work on memory wip. but i don't have an outline and i've only written a little bit of the first draft#so i don't know what's going to happen which means i'd have to Think. and also read through my notes bc i don't remember what i've decided#abt the characters and worldbuilding#but like. i just cant be bothered to do that😭#so you see the issue is laziness#i guess i should just use a simple prompt at first even tho i dont feel like it just to get over the hurdle#at least i'll have written something....#speaking it into existence I CAN WRITE REGULARLY IF I CHOOSE TO!!!#I'll need the outlet when I start my new job in august im so fucking nervous#i'll need something to keep me sane😭#and i want to actually be able to finish the projects i start! at least finish a single draft! i've done it before i can do it again!#vee.txt
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man i really thought this week was going to kick my ass, but i just got the whole week's worth of code done in the last hour or so, so now i can focus entirely on my other classes :D
#that also lowkey sucks bc coding is the most fun i get to have with homework#but tomorrow i can focus on stats and precalc#and maaaybe even do my ethics project#idk#i at least wanna try and finish precalc tomorrow morning so i can stay reasonably ahead in that class#and my stats hw isnt due until friday#so i just need to get a solid start on it#i have never been this on top of my homework in my entire life#someone congratulate me#i'm gonna say my meds are why bc the anxiety -> dont do hw bc too anxious to start -> more anxiety cycle#hasnt really been there#the anxiety made a HUGE comeback this weekend and i had a depression session#but at least today i completed a Lot#lea speaks
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