#idk if it comes off as vain but this is really important to me that I reach a point where I’m on this vibe abt myself

[yoojinluv]

[idkwhatever580]

Her pt. 1

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pairings: Natasha romanoff x reader

Prompt: natasha meets y/n while undercover at a soup kitchen. What happens when hydra gets mixed in?

Warnings ⚠️: cursing, some angst, mentions of blood and gunshot, getting beat up? Tell me if there’s any more!!

Pronouns: she/her

A/N: guys this one is really long 😭 idk how many words tho. Idk how to find that out. Make sure to tell me if you like it and follow if you want to see my next post. (Idk when it will go up but I think I’m gonna do a part two)-> https://www.tumblr.com/idkwhatever580/749925326055948288/her-pt-2

Natasha’s Pov

Ugh. This is so stupid. I hate this room.

Fury thinks it is a good idea for us to stay in a stupid rinky dink motel to keep our identities safe.

I think it’s bullshit. The least he can give us is a days inn. But noooo we gotta stay in a one star motel that stinks and has horrible water pressure.

I look over at Clint and glare. He smirks at me and says

“Why the long face?”

I sneer and say

“You know exactly why. We’re stuck in this dump for another month!”

He chuckles and says

“We’ve already been here a month. What’s one more? I honestly think this place is growing on me”

I roll my eyes and say

“Of course you would end up liking this shithole.”

He comes over and nudges my shoulder and says

“Hey! Think about it this way. You get to see her for another month.”

I narrow my eyes at him when he puts on a cheeky grin.

I scoff and brush it off like normal. But Clint knows. He knows me. He knows that I like her.

Her.

I could think about her all day if I tried.

You see, Clint and I are on an undercover mission to investigate a possible hydra meeting place. We’ve been eating at this soup kitchen for weeks. Acting like we’re homeless so we can get info. Normally I would hate this job. And I do don’t get me wrong, but there’s this one volunteer. Her name is y/n.

Y/n.

Doesn’t that just roll right off your tongue? I wish she’d roll right on my tongue.

I shake my head to void myself of these thoughts. But it’s all in vain. She is so pretty.

Her smile is bright. Albeit her teeth might not be perfect but I think it makes her even better. She makes this whole thing bearable.

Her sweet face, and quirky remarks make me almost blush.

Almost.

Clint snaps in front of my face and I look up at him and he says

“Did you hear a single thing I said?”

I shake my head even though I want to say yes. Whatever he said could have been important.

He sighs and says

“Well. I’m going to take a shower. And try to see if the water actually heats up this time. If not. I’ll still be in there a while. I gotta take a shit. So if you need to use the bathroom I suggest you go now or forever hold your peace”

I chuckle a bit and shake my head and he grabs his towel and says

“Alright. Have fun thinking about y/n”

He goes off and I lie back on the bed. It creaks but I don’t care anymore. All I can think about is her.

I don’t know who she is. She seems well off. But she’s not mean. No. What mean person would willingly volunteer at a soup kitchen?

She is so tender. Always making sure all the homeless people get their fair share and if she thinks someone is looking a little skinny one day she’ll give them a bit more.

She always gives me a bit more. Then says she put too much. Clint thinks it’s just to see me a bit more. I think she’s just a bit tired by the time I get in line.

Her.

God. It’s only been a month and her beauty floods my senses. I remember the first time she hugged me.

She smelled like oranges and cupcakes.

She always stayed and sat with all the homeless people. Making sure to update herself on their lives.

Clint and I stay longer though. So she ends up talking to me. He kind of acts closed off. So that he can always be on guard.

He knows my senses are being let down by her. And he’s okay with it. I wish I wasn’t.

She talks of her life a lot. And I sometimes think I see her look at my lips but I shake it away and try to forget that telling myself I imagined it.

By the time I’m done day dreaming of her today, Clint comes out and says

“One. Do NOT go in there. And two. Let’s get ready to go”

I sigh and smile a bit. I know I’m gonna get to see her. I put on my ‘homeless attire’ and we leave the building.

We walk into the soup kitchen along with some of the others who are nice. I look around and my eyes zero in on y/n’s normal spot. I see her and she sees me at the same time

She smiles excitedly and waves at all of us but her eyes linger on me. I wave back shyly.

We go up and she portions our food while asking how everyone’s day has been.

When it’s my turn she portions my food and hands it to me and then says

“Oh! I think I gave you a bit too much. Here let me fix it.”

She brushes her hand across mine and for the first time. I blush.

I blush

Crap. I blushed.

Thankfully she doesn’t notice. But I know.

She hands it back to me and says “there you go sweets”

I smile shyly but I’m screaming inside. I thank y/n and scurry off to my undesignated designated spot. Clint sits by me and says

“Did you?”

I slap him in the arm and say

“Shut up Barton or I’ll kill you”

He giggles and hops away from me to eat his food.

After a while y/n comes up to me and says

“Hey girl! I finally finished the portions. Wanna talk?”

She always asks if I want to talk and I always nod my head. She sits down and start yapping while I smile and listen to it all. At some point she says

“My mom and I always had this deal. That if I ever sent a message to her with a lowercase x at the end, that means I am in danger. Thank goodness I never had to use it though.”

She quickly moves on to another topic just as fast as she got to the previous. I try to keep up with her.

As the soup kitchen closes for the day around 3 and we all leave. I leave with a smile on my face.

God she’s so pretty.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wake up in bed and smile. I look over at my alarm clock and realize I have only about thirty minutes left to get ready for the soup kitchen.

I hop out of bed and Clint smirks and says

“You’ve never slept that long. You good?”

I roll my eyes and say

“Fuck off”

We quickly leave for the soup kitchen and I walk in and look for y/n. My eyebrows furrow when she’s not in her normal spot.

I go over to Calvin, the soup kitchen owner and say

“Hey. Is y/n here today?”

He shakes his head and says

“No. Surprisingly she sent me a text this morning saying she’s not gonna make it. Look”

Calvin turns his phone towards me and I read the message.

Y/n Y/l/n

Hey! I’m so sorry this is last minute but I can’t come in today. Hopefully I’ll see you tomorrow! x

My eyes widen and I say

“Oh. Okay. Thanks Calvin.”

I quickly walk to Clint who is eagerly waiting in line for his food. I whisper to him.

“We need to go. Y/n is in danger.”

He looks at me confused and says

“What? You heard Calvin. He said she said she was fine.”

I shake my head and only now does Clint realize I am being serious.

“Aww but I just got to the front of the line”

Clint whines and pouts and I say

“If I let you grab this you better get a to go box. And hurry”

In a stern voice. He nods his head and gets his food quickly.

We head back to the motel. I pull out my emergency bag and grab the laptop. I’m only supposed to go online in emergencies and I dictate this as one.

I explain to Clint what is wrong and he nods his head in agreement. Y/n has never missed a day of the soup kitchen. Even when she was so tired she looked dead.

I quickly power it on and start looking into her socials.

It’s a wonder I haven’t looked her up until now. It’s actually a wonder that I haven’t even heard of her. She’s popular.

She’s a famous artist. Actress and Singer/songwriter. Her name is Y/n y/m/n y/l/n. She’s 24. Only three years younger than me. She acts in some really popular movies. Of course I never have watched them. Or else I would have probably recognized her. She writes and sings a bit. But not much.

I start digging deeper. I look at her most recent posts and I see that she posted on Instagram about the same time that she sent the message to Calvin.

I read the post and it’s a cute picture of her. From yesterday. That’s the outfit she wore and she took a quick selfie in it.

She added a paragraph and I scour it intensely.

Hey guys! I know I don’t do this a lot but I whant to come on heere and thank you for your dedication tol me. I’m so excited to have hit fifty milliopn follmowers on Instageram. It’sh truly an hyonor to be lovedd by so rmany of youa. xoxo x

I see how she has a bunch of misspelled words and I put two and two together. The misspellings put together make out a sentence.

Help me hydra x

I look back at Clint and he says

“Damn. That was easy. She’s smart.”

All the comments are either fawning over her or bullying her for having so many misspellings but I know. She’s communicating to me. To anyone who notices. And I am the person right now.

Thankfully, the hydra people are fucking stupid. And I’m highly trained in coding. So I am able to track her phone easily.

I pinpoint it at the soup kitchen. And then Clint grabs my shoulder and says.

“The back room. Y/n always talked about Calvin chilling in a back room that she caught a glimpse of once. She said it looked scary.”

I widen my eyes and my shoulders tense up say

“You think they’re stupid enough to keep her there?”

He nods his head and I shake mine and say

“Well. There’s no harm in trying. And we might get our mission done faster if we’re right.”

I quickly put on my suit as Clint puts his on in the bathroom. He walks up with his bow and arrow at the ready and he says.

“You ready?”

I nod my head stiffly and we hop in the run down car that we are only allowed to use in emergencies. Once again we both dictate this an emergency.

Clint drives as I map out a plan outloud.

“Okay. So we’re gonna split up. You go in the front. I’ll go in the back. See what we can find. I know our mission is to get intel but if y/n doesn’t make it out alive I’m gonna burn the whole city down.”

Clint chuckles a bit with his signature smile on and I raise my eyebrow and say

“What?”

He shakes his head and says,

“Well, it’s just- you really like this girl huh? I mean burning the city down is a pretty big thing to do. And that’s kind of odd for you. I didn’t think you’d be the type.”

I scoff and cross my arms and say

“We need to focus on the mission. And not the fact that I may or may not be down bad.”

He chuckles once more and then pulls into a spot away from the soup kitchen.

I run to the back and Clint runs to the front once we solidify our plan and then we both easily break in. The soup kitchen is usually open in case there is a homeless person who desperately needs shelter. Like if there’s a storm or something. Thankfully though Clint tells me through comms that there’s no one inside.

“I’m in”

I say when I pick the lock. I frown when I realize that this is gonna be an easy feat. I know not to let my guard down. Just in case.

I hear a crackle when the comms come on and Clint says,

“Hey nat… you’re gonna want to see this”

I put my finger on my earpiece and say,

“Did you find y/n?”

“No, but I found the intel we were definitely looking for. And a lot more.”

I frown and say,

“Okay put it on a drive then come find me. I’m in the west wing. Call a quinjet to pick us up.”

——————————————————————————

Nobody’s pov

Clint downloads the files to a usb drive and he kind of freezes for a moment as he sees the files of horrifying victims flow into it. There’s footsteps headed his way and he pulls out his arrows and prepares to shoot someone.

One set of footsteps quickly becomes about four and something he can quite pin he takes a breath prepared to fight.

The doors open so fast he doesn’t even have time to blink before he is shooting his arrows. He quickly downs four of them but he knows there’s a fifth.

He slowly looks around the area they came in and moves around the desk only to find a shaking ball of a human. He squats down and says

“Y/n?”

So softly she might not have heard it. She snaps her head up and says

“Cliff?”

She sniffles when she says his code name and he holds his hand out for her and says.

“It’s Clint. I know this is confusing and scary but we’ve got to find Natasha and get you out of here before anything else happens okay?”

She nods her head and says

“Is Natalie Natasha?”

Clint nods his head and presses his earpiece to tell Natasha that they’re done.

Natasha huffs and says

“Wow you just have to take all the credit huh?”

Clint giggles a bit and then grabs the full usb drive and starts walking out carefully. He looks back at y/n and says

“Are you coming or not?”

She is shaking and says,

“Uh. I- I think I can’t walk”

Clint finally realizes that she has a bullet in her thigh and it’s bleeding a bit but thankfully not enough to kill her. At least for now. He sighs and says,

“Alright. I’m gonna pick you up and we’re gonna fly to New York for a bit to get you healed.”

She nods her head and we head off.

Once Clint gets everyone on the quinjet y/n passes out.

“Fuck”

——————————————————————————

Y/n’s pov

I wake up in a hospital bed. I open my eyes a bit just to close them immediately. You’d think that they would turn the lights down or something.

I groan a bit and someone is at my side. I don’t even want to see who it is. I just want to get back to my home.

Which is what got me into this situation in the first place.

——————————————————————————

(Kind of flashback?)

I walked out of the soup kitchen. Everyone had left and I locked the door. I decided to walk there today so I started my trek back home. And then I realized I left my phone. So I went back and unlocked the door.

Calvin was in there. I assume he is just restocking or something and I say hi and asked if he has seen my phone.

He dangles it in front of my face and then puts a gun to my head.

Shit

He says I need to make a text to send to him so that nobody from the soup kitchen worries about me and then make a post so that my fans don’t think anything of my absence.

At this point. I probably won’t be making it out.

Yes I’m famous. And yes I have a lot of caring fans.

But nobody knows me well enough to even think of me. And by the time someone does. I’ll probably be dead.

He walks me to the back room that I’ve only seen once. Damn. I knew this was sketch.

His grip on my hands is so tight.

I didn’t even realize I have tears streaming down my face until he says

“Quit your whimpering. If you get us caught you’re dead”

I look up at him and say

“Us? There’s more?”

He scoffs and says

“Of course there’s more of us. Hydra doesn’t do loners. We’re not dumb enough. Now shut up or I’ll kill you and everyone else you’ve ever loved. Including your little Natalie”

That shut me up real quick.

Fuck my life.

He throws me in a cell and beats me up. I have so many cuts and bruises already.

He left me about an hour ago and now I’m just laying here on the concrete. By my calculations the soup kitchen will open in about 8 hours. Hopefully Natalie notices I’m gone.

She notices everything.

I know she’s homeless and I’m not but part of me wants to take her with me. Give her a new life.

Make her mine.

But she doesn’t like me like that. And that wouldn’t be fair to the other homeless people who have been here even longer.

Gran says I’m head over heels and I should court her. But she’s also a bit crazy.

But then again pops says she likes me back. And although pops is like never wrong, there’s always a first time for everything. I’m not so sure though.

God how am I thinking of her at a time like this? I’m actually daydreaming about a silly little (not so little) crush of mine while my life is at stake. Well, I have nothing else to do. So thinking about her it is.

Her

She’s so beautiful. Even when she has dirt all over her and her clothes look like they need more than just a little stitching and washing.

Natalie

It’s a pretty name but it honestly doesn’t fit her quite right. I just don’t know what other name would though.

Meh. I’m probably just being weird.

By the time I am finished thinking about her I fall asleep and I wake up and calculate it is already morning. Thank god. My calculations are confirmed when one of the guards brought me food for some reason. I ask him

“What time is it?”

He says,

“I’m not supposed to talk to you but it’s 10:46 am”

I nod my head and thank him.

I scarf the food down so I can hopefully get as much energy before they take it away from me. Maybe I’ll be able to stay alive longer.

After I’m finished Calvin walks in and says

“What do you know about Natalie?”

I frown and say

“Why?”

“You’re very close to her. And i want info on her. If you tell me everything you know I’ll let you go”

I consider my options. But clearly they want her info for something. I don’t want her to be in danger. She’s strong yes. But she’s also homeless. Nobody to care for her. And I don’t want her to die on my watch. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if one of my favorite people died because of me. Hoe selfish would that be.

So I say the bare minimum.

“I don’t actually know much about her. I usually do all the talking.”

He kicks me. Ouch.

“I think her favorite color is red. And her favorite food is whatever I cook. At least that’s what she says.”

Another kick. Ow.

Calvin gets a bit mad and says.

“The soup kitchen is about to open. I’m gonna go get the food prepared and you’re going to think about every little thing she’s ever told you. And about that cliff dude too.”

I glare at him and say

“He never talks. You think I know anything? I’m just a stupid girl.”

He sneers and says

“If you don’t come up with anything good you better kiss your little girlfriend goodbye.”

I frown and curl into a ball as he leaves.

I mumble

“She’s not my girlfriend.”

What can I find that will seem plausible that isn’t true about her.

——————————————————————————

Time jump to after soup kitchen closes and Calvin comes back.

“Tell me everything you know bitch”

I spit at him and say

“I don’t know anything about them”

He gets really angry at that and he kicks me in the head.

I’m shaking really bad already. That’s gonna hurt way worse later. If I make it to later.

After more and more berating he finally has enough and pulls out a gun. I cry and sob and say

“Pl- please no. Calvin you’re better than this! It’s okay I won’t tell anyone! I promise just let me go. Please”

I beg but he doesn’t give in. He points the gun at me and shoots.

It hits me in my thigh and I scream. I scream and I scream and he says

“Shut up bitch. Nobody can hear you. They won’t hear you when you scream.”

I cry but I quiet down. Clearly there’s no point in using my voice. I’m just gonna die anyways.

Suddenly there’s a guard running to Calvin and he whispers something to him. Calvin looks at me and says

“Get up bitch. You’re coming with us”

Three more guards come and pick me up and start marching me away from whatever it is they’re scared of. They open a door and then I fall on the ground. They dropped me for some reason but I don’t care. I curl up into a ball and then a soft voice calls my name.

I look up and say

“Cliff?”

——————————————————————————

And that’s how I ended up here.

I’m in a hospital bed. Somewhere. Probably safe.

I finally open my eyes and see Natalie. Well. Natasha.

That name fits her better. Now I know why I felt that way. She’s still so pretty.

But she’s in a black catsuit. It shows off her curves. I look away because I don’t want to objectify her or anything.

She smiles and says

“You’re awake”

I can tell that she wants to say something else but doesn’t know if she can.

I look at her and say.

“Yeah. What happened?”

“Well. You obviously know you were kidnapped by hydra.”

I nod my head and don’t let her finish. I’m clearly hurt when I say

“Why did you lie to me?”

She sighs and says.

“I’m sorry. You have every right to be mad at me. I lied because I am an avenger. We’re in New York City at the avengers tower. I can take you home as soon as you’re cleared. But for now I’m going to explain okay?”

I nod my head and let her speak.

“Since I am an avenger and a highly ranked spy, I sometimes have to go on missions undercover. My name is Natasha romanoff. My alias’ are Natalie rushman, black widow and others. I was recently undercover with my friend and coworker Clint Barton. His alias’ are cliff barren and Hawkeye.”

She pauses and then continues

“We were looking to find intel. We had a hint that hydra, the people that took you, were there. Thankfully you were able to send a message out before they took you. They’re dumb. So I tracked you the second I knew you were in danger.”

I frown and say

“So you lied about not knowing who I was?”

She shook her head and says

“I only found out who you were after you sent that message. Because I looked you up on my emergency computer. So no. I didn’t lie about that. Y/n you are very brave and strong. Most people wouldn’t have made it out of there. Most people didn’t.”

I nod my head and say

“So. How long have I been out?”

“About a day and a half. Clint and I went to the soup kitchen the past two days to make sure everyone was okay. It’s under new management already. She’s nice. Her name is Mary. We cleared out hydra and everything and everyone at the soup kitchen is okay.”

I nod my head and say

“That’s good.”

I frown and say

“What now?”

She sighs and sits down and says

“Well. You have a few options after you’re cleared. Continue on with life and forget all about us. Or, we can create a new safe soup kitchen and you can start creating houses for the homeless. Give them new opportunities. Get some of them into rehab. Follow your dream. Fully paid of course, courtesy of Tony Stark and SHEILD considering you helped us get one of the biggest bouts of information in a very short amount of time.”

My eyes light up and I say

“Wait… you… you listened to me when I was talking?”

Natasha nods her head and says

“I don’t know if you noticed but I notice everything. When you talked about your dreams of retiring as an actress to help the needy, it was so moving. It’s a good dream. And I want to help you achieve it.”

I sit up carefully and say

“I’m so excited I could just kiss you!”

I realize what I said and then say

“Oh shit. I didn’t- I don’t- I didn’t mean that”

Natasha says

“Really? Because I would have done it if you did mean it.”

I widen my eyes and point at her a little dumbfounded and say

“You- you wanna- I-l”

She smirks and walks up to my hospital bed and leans into me. She stops just before to silently ask permission and I nod my head.

She presses her lips softly into mine and they’re softer than clouds. She pulls away softly and I giggle like a school girl and say

“I’ve wanted to do that for a while.”

Natasha raises her eyebrow and says

“Even when I was covered in dirt and smelled like shit?”

I shrug my shoulders and say

“I think it adds to your charm. You’re a cutie”

We hear a chuckle from the doorway and Clint walks in. He smirks and says

“I don’t think anyone has ever called Natasha romanoff a cutie and made it out alive.”

Natasha rolls her eyes and says

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Nobody called me anything”

I giggle and say.

“Natasha?”

She immediately looks at me and I say

“Do you think I can really do that homeless shelter?”

She nods her head and says

“I know you can.”

I smile realizing a whole new chapter of my life is about to start. And it’s gonna be great.

All because of her

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: whew!! Damn that was long. I hope y’all liked it!!! Please tell me if there are any warnings I missed. I think I’m gonna do a part two of the next chapter in y/n’s life. I really just write whatever I’m thinking about lol. My anons are in fact open. I don’t have too many requirements. But expect to have a happy ending lol I’m so sappy 🤷‍♀️🩷

[ari-kari]

hey. gnarly gender stuff below. wouldn’t recommend reading if you are triggered by gender doubt, detransition, sexuality, negative body talk, and surgical malfeasance. oh and also light gore. sorry it’s going to get kind of weird

so I’ve been quietly stepping away from id’ing as trans for a while now. which is a subject that probably needs its own post, all things considered. but there’s one aspect of my (de)transition that is causing an enormous amount of stress in my life, and I’m genuinely not sure how to handle it. so I figured blabbing about it here might help me get some clarity.

anyways. let’s talk titties.

my first top surgery in 2022 was botched. dog ears, massive janky nipples, bizarre incision site choices - it was a whole deal. I got a revision last year (from the same surgeon lmao) that fixed a lot of things, but unfortunately it made other problems significantly worse. So while aesthetically things are much better than they used to be, I still consider myself to be botched. I haven’t taken my top off in public since it happened, and I don’t see myself doing so any time soon.

For a long time, I assumed that this was my only problem; some asshole small town doctor had messed up my results, and now I felt uncomfortable in my body. But it slowly began to dawn on me that things were more complicated than that. Because when I imagined myself being intimate with someone with perfect, stellar top surgery results…I still felt horrible. To the point where, even with nipple prosthetics, I haven’t felt comfortable enough to have sex since my revision 9 months ago.

So now we get into the crux of the problem. Which is this - I do not feel desireable without breasts. Not to myself, and not to others. And to be honest, I knew this would be a problem even before I got the surgery, but I went through with it anyways. Because desireability is small potatoes when it comes to the horrors of gender dysphoria, right? In my mind, I was being vain to put my intimacy concerns over the pursuit of my “true self”. Everyone with dysphoria had to “fix” it eventually - I couldn’t just not get top surgery.

But like…fuck, dude. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten top surgery.

I prefer my body without breasts. It feels much more “me”, especially when I’m alone. But I don’t feel hot. I don’t feel fuckable, or beautiful, or attractive. And I’ve been trying to chip away at it in therapy, but I haven’t really put much of a dent in it, and it’s bringing up some really hard questions that I no longer feel capable of ignoring.

Honestly? My confidence in my sexuality is a big fucking deal to me. I’m someone for whom intimacy of all kinds is really important. And even though I know that there are PLENTY of people who find flat chests attractive, I personally do not. And it’s seriously starting to fuck with my head.

Idk man. Insurance is able to cover reconstruction for me due to a federal loophole, but there’s no way in hell they’re going to fix my jacked-up nipples on their own. And I’m seriously beginning to question if a little gender dysphoria might be worth the relief of finally feeling confident in my own skin again. I have a consultation appointment in June, in either case. So in the mean time, I just have to…figure this out. No biggie.

Anyways, that’s my spiel. I’ve been wearing prosthetics for a while now and tolerating them fairly well, but I recognize that having something physically attached to you is a whole other ball game. So we’re just gonna keep on trucking and see what happens 🫠🫠🫠 either way I have a funny feeling that the “perfect” answer I’ve been seeking to this problem does not exist.

[kinkandkreep]

Hello at your opinion what would be he is type of woman of Connor ? :)

My first Connor request! Thanks for sending this in hun. 😁 Feel free to send in more Connor requests y'all, my ask box is open!

Also, y'all do let me know if any of this comes off as offensive, as nothing of the sort was my intention.

Ratonhnhaké:ton’s Type: 

So, what is Connor’s type?

Well, I can tell you right off the bat that Connor, while possessing standards, isn’t exactly what you’d call picky

Now, that is not at all to say that he’ll just take anybody

I mean come on, he’s way too hot and amazing to be desperate in that sense 🙃

I just mean to say that he looks more at the inward than outward appearance 

Because he’s well aware, looks can be and often times are deceiving 

Now that that’s established, let’s move on to what he typically looks for in a potential wife 

External Traits/Characteristics:

Connor does have his preferences, and while not all are deal breakers exactly, there are some things he would really prefer his girlfriend/wife to have 

He would like someone who is more independent, but not to the point where she becomes the second man of the house

Independence for him is important because, while he does plan on settling down at some point (and preferably sooner rather than later), his work for now requires that he be absent from the house for prolonged periods, and he would very much appreciate the peace of mind associated with knowing that his lady can fend for herself while he’s gone

On the flip side, a must have on his proverbial list is a woman who has good self-care habits

(In colonial times, Europeans had pretty poor hygiene, whereas Native Americans conversely took extra care of themselves. Connor is no exception.)

I always make mention of how much Connor cares about his hygiene, and he holds whoever he’s with to a similar standard 

To sum up, for Connor you don’t have to be vain, but you just can’t be slubborn

He also would appreciate someone who knows how to or is willing to learn how to manage a household, and isn’t so dainty that she can’t do anything beyond look cute

(Connor comes from a matriarchal society, where women primarily ran the show and still maintained their role as homemakers)

I said before that Connor will always be gentle with you, and he will, but he would just like it if you had only slightly toughened skin

Like, don’t be so hard that you’re impenetrable, but just enough that you won’t absolutely shatter at the first signs of trouble in the relationship

(Idk how many of y’all know anything about k-pop, but Connor is looking for someone who’s, in essence, Antifragile 😂) 

Connor would very much appreciate a woman who knows how to speak for herself 

Like, he’s more than willing and able to speak up for you if need be

I mean don’t get it twisted, he is by no means a punk 

But he would think it so hot if you were able to stand up for yourself when the occasion called for it

Another non-negotiable concerns the topic of children

Connor wants children, such that he truly couldn’t see himself maintaining a lasting relationship with a woman who didn’t

The difference in desires would be too much for Connor 

He wouldn’t want to come off as bothersome about the subject and potentially string you along, and he also wouldn’t want to waste his own time

And I’m debating whether or not to put this next one in the needs or wants but either way, Connor would very much like a woman who can appreciate silence

A woman who wouldn’t mind the two of you just quietly spending time together outside or curled up in front of the fireplace 

Speaking of outside…

Connor really thinks he’s gonna need someone who likes the outdoors to compliment him, but I personally don’t think that’s an absolute need, just a want 

If you don’t like hunting and being outdoors for extended periods, he’s fine with that, he knows that’s not everyone’s, especially not every or even most women’s, taste 

As far as looks are concerned, again, Connor's not picky, but I do think he'd have a preference for bigger girls with larger busts and thighs

He also thinks freckles and chubby cheeks are cute, and brown and green eyes are his favorite

Internal Traits/Characteristics:

Because of his upbringing, and how most of his life has played out (🙃), Connor positively needs someone who is naturally nurturing 

And I’m saying this more so than him because he really, truly needs a nurturer

You don’t have to baby him; as a matter of fact, he would really dislike it if you did, but doing little things to show you care and love him will always make his day a thousand times better than however it was before you did or said that thing that showed you care 

Connor really wants someone who has a sense of humor

Like he sorta has one, but though he doesn’t do it often, Connor likes to laugh 

Having someone by his side that could make him laugh would be amazing, and would help Connor to relax and bring him joy after spending long days being an assassin

Another need is someone who is kind

It should be obvious why this is a necessity, but Connor himself is very kind and he really, really wants someone who can reciprocate that 

He needs kindness, the other inhabitants of the Homestead need kindness, shiii the whole world needs kindness

Connor refuses to be with a mean, grouchy person

That just is incongruent with his new life’s vibe (my Hobi stans will understand that reference 😉)

I think that overall, Connor just needs like, a good person who understands there’s sometimes a need for silence and can respect that, while also being able to stand her own ground. 🙃

Did that all make him sound picky? 😬 I really hope not, I just thought of basic things I imagined Connor would like in a wife and kinda ran with that. 😂 Hopefully you enjoyed! 😁

[team-heavenly]

Chapter 18 - Part 2

Ayo! Cool kids go back and read the first part before the second!

So...! Affluent Yurt! Idk seems pretty dingy to me. Also if this looks like one giant room, that’s because it is.

Oh dear god oh f*ck the Sableye found us again!!

Only a few things to talk about, really:

I did need to reset once after a nasty Monster House + Agility + Draco Meteor combo. (What is it with Draco Meteor in this run?)

You can apparently hit Ghost types hiding in the wall with Rare Fossils lol

That said, Rare Fossils did not always spare me the mercy of Normal form Rotom, who hits surprisingly hard with flying type moves.

Rotom just before OHKOing Teresa with Sky Attack:

(Side note but I first saw this video on a post about Trump getting Corona and it made me laugh my ass off for DAYS.)

This was a tough decision at first ngl. Sleep can be useful in some cases. The move has a little more PP than Smokescreen. And I’m pretty sure we go straight to the Hidden Land Precious Butte from here, so I better be darn sure about what moves I choose to keep.

Then I took one look at the accuracy for Sleep Powder and laughed it off. Four stars versus eight? Bye bye!

Speaking of... Tropius almost never needed to attack, so I have no idea what his moveset was. All I saw was one failed Last Resort.

On to the next scene!

Hey, Andrea? Uhhh, irony just called and asked for you-

...Oh darn, I was too late 😅

Even without the portrait, you can see the “eh” is just DRIPPING.

I also like how the placement of Gastrodon makes him seem like he’s a part of the team (and not just an unwilling observer lol).

Oh yeah this is TOTALLY our fault. We left ourselves WIDE OPEN to theft, a conscious choice of action YOU’VE MADE TWO SEPARATE TIMES NOW

Man, how long ago was the expedition at this point? We have no idea how many “present” days we spent in the future, so...

...Okay, maybe not that long.

*muffled yelling from the peanut gallery* “YEAH AND THEY WERE THE ONES WHO FRAMED US FOR THE PERFECT APPLE INCIDENT! LOOK I KNOW THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW BUT IT MATTERS TO ME!!”

About the perfect apple incident? Oh yeah. Source: Trust Me™

Welp, Tropius just went MIA in a fit of rage. Understandable tbh.

So onward we go into the depths...

Wealthy Shore... Wealthy... Shore... I swear that sounds familiar, but I looked at all our previous dungeons and the name doesn’t show up anywhere. It’s very possible I’ve had a Magnagate dungeon named this in GTI? That’s the only explanation I can come up with.

In any case, this section was only 5 floors and I (thankfully) had no trouble breezing right through it.

I dunno if I focused on a different spot of the picture or what, but for this scene some of these shots have drastically different lighting/saturation. I hope the inconsistency isn’t too distracting...

This is on you, mate. You do a bad job of spying on the guild reconnaissance.

Well, we’re good guys in a video game, so we kind of have to care about you. Unfortunately.

Oh, to have been a Cutiefly on the wall for that.

It’s... a little touching, really... I absolutely would have kicked their limp bodies one more time before walking away lmaoooo

But then suddenly, redemption moment!

Actually, this added dialogue happened earlier, but my shot didn’t wind up looking too good... and this seemed like a natural place to put it instead!

...And then we never see them again.

Which is honestly kind of a shame? It would’ve been nice to have some resolution here. And maybe some groveling from Team Skull because you end up saving the world 😏 (I say like they’d ever do that...)

All joking aside though... this was definitely a missed opportunity.

And a little messed up? Because until Super Mystery Dungeon, for all you know they end up dying in the cave. Talk about dark.

Well Team Water Meanies, we had a good run. Thanks for the memories 👋

“...You two, can you move?”

“What, are you kidding?!”

Don’t let their deaths be in vain, click here to move on to Part 3.

[earth2carmen]

ADULTING

been on why grown up shit lately. im just kinda being thrown in with no guidance from my other she basically just gave me all my important papers and info and said fuck it. I mean I guess that's helpful in a way but she hasnt taught me anything else and in a weird way I feel like its because im a girl. she never did this with brothers she made all their appts and handled all their shit until my oldest brother got a wife and my other brother still at 21 she makes his appts. I scheduled an appt w my doctor and she basically told me I haven't been having the best care bc of the way my mom was handling all my medical care. such as chasing one doc having multiple people prescribe me my prozac basically I just need to get caught up on my physicals and chose ONE doctor lol. im gonna chose her just because she was very friendly and I dont like the other lady I was seeing, idk just gave me weird vibes. while I was there I wanted to get bloodwork done to see if I was diabetic or pre diabetic since recently we found out my mom was. as well to see what medications my insurance would cover for weight loss shots such as ozempic, basically make you lose weight crazy fast but extremely expensive. she gave me a refferak so now wait for them to call. I also got a refferak for a therapist to see if im bipolar and also one for an obgyn. I made all my appts and even made my my chart. I know can see everything im behind in and am looking forward to just getting all this shit out of the way. I hope to god I get approved for ozempic. and as far as my obgyn I couldn't get an appt until may 1st but ill be ok I dont have any serious concerns just a basic checkup as well as some sex questions so all is good, I also want to know if here's any probiotics that they recommend to take to have a healthy vagina. im so proud of myself for doing this all on my own. like I literally was just thrown into it. my doctor said im doing well and she is proud. im waiting on my test results from my blood work im not really neverous but well see. when I went to get the bloodwork done they couldn't get my vain and kept fucking trying, I was lokwey stunned like do they not know wtf they are doing but FINALLY WE GOT IT I was just so shocked I was in the chair like be fkn fro. I also went ahead and caught up on my bills. I want to pay off my MacBook w my tax money so I dont collect any debt. it honestly feels so bittersweet I want to be free, careless and childish again. I want to come home from school and dread doing my homework, I want to worry about who im gonna sit next to at lunch, I want to experience the joy of making innocent connections again. being an adult sucks

[nabrizoya]

honestly would LOVE to hear your thoughts on the nikolai duology because i really only see blanket praise or blanket hate for it whereas I see a lot of wasted potential. Bardugo's actual writing was beautiful as ever for the most part, but the choice of the plot/beats feels baffling to me. I love Nina, but her parts felt so separate from the rest of the book until the very end, and even that felt off. I liked the first 2/3 of KoS enough, dealing with the monster, political tensions, 1/2

and even the cult of the starless saint was at least interesting because dealing with people trying to rewrite the narrative of their greatest enemy (who hurt these young leaders in deeply PERSONAL ways) was really compelling (making him literally come back was. a choice) but I feel like somewhere in the last third, KoS went in a wholly differeent direction, and RoW has this vibe of feeling like she definitely wrote it after reading the show scripts or even seeing some footage. idk. 2/2

I will try to be brief (1/12)

Hey anon! Thank you so much for asking this even though it took 38756588247834 years to answer this I’m so sorry !! The Nikolai duology was good—wonderful too maybe because of the myriad of themes and topics it discussed and explored, all in addition to how beloved these characters are. For me, it’s the end of KoS as it is for you, and the entirety of RoW in particular that irk me the most.

I have very little issue with KoS, and I agree with everything you’ve said. The political tensions, the sort of urgency in trying to secure a country at the cost of personal reservations, preparing for a war that seems unforgivably near the door, etc. was all thrilling. After all, it is the first installment in the duology, and it’s supposed to set the course for the upcoming books.

KoS managed to introduce the stakes and the circumstances, lay the rails for what the characters will face and what it might mean to a vast set of entities connected to the events. And it’s hardly out of sense to expect Rule of Wolves to pick up where the previous book left off and carry forward the themes and plot points introduced in the first book.

Except, RoW failed spectacularly in that aspect.

Rule of Wolves: the second book, and the supposed finale to the Grishaverse and the Nikolai duology; it fails to continue the other number of threads that KoS set up for it, effectively compromising the characters, their characterizations, the themes and other political tensions and stakes. The due importance that should be given to the heavy set of topics that get brought up in the povs are not through, nor are the small details that Leigh added to the conversations evolve into something worth talking about, which are the actual points that could have been given some more page time to explore than just making them facts or points of nostalgia for the characters.

If you take a step back and analyze the whole timeline, events, characterization, objectives of the arcs and the plot points etc. etc., all the way from Crooked Kingdom to Rule of Wolves, there’s so much that is left out and tied in, quite haphazardly, which leads me to believe that Leigh wanted to attempt writing a duology that is more plot-driven than it is character driven. And we know that Leigh writes character driven stories brilliantly, and SoC, CK and TLoT are testament to the same. Heck, even TGT has more consistency than whatever TND has.

So, objectively? Plot possibilities? Characterization? Potential? Personal goals? Addressing the very serious themes it brought up, in little or major light, but give no proper elaboration about them?

The lost potential readily compromised the characterizations of many characters, and it all amounted to their arcs being very underwhelming.

I’m dividing this into four parts and here’s the basic outline.

Writing and Plotting

The Plot, Possibilities and Potential.

Characters, Characterization, Character Potential.

Remedy (what I think would've worked better to tie this all up)

This can get very looong, so be forewarned.

I. Writing & Plotting

Now, Leigh Bardugo’s writing is exceptional, no doubt. The sentences are short and flowy, and convey the tone, psyche, environment and the setting and its effects on the pov character marvellously. It's also immersive. It’s the same in Rule of Wolves, except, a little or a lot weaker.

The two main parts of this is that one, that Leigh slightly overdid showing a lot more than telling, and two, that the RoW (and perhaps KoS too), was more plot driven than character driven, the latter of which is actually Leigh’s strength.

In Rule of Wolves, Leigh’s writing seemed very choppy and snappish. The descriptions were lacking, or maybe that’s just me wishing for more internal conflict and dilemma, and going back and forth in one's own head for a bit. It felt like she showed more than she told.

Example being how Zoya ‘snaps’, ‘drawls’, ‘scoffs’, or ‘scowls’ less, and even if that’s supposed to be show Zoya beginning to be a little less unpleasant than she usually is, the tone in those chapters was not strong enough to distinguish how and why the character was acting a certain way. Nor pinpoint an explanation on what brought that change about. (And there were many instances like this with many other characters), which resulted in the characters themselves feeling so off to me.

Leigh’s characters are important to the story. They carry tremendous weight and actively contribute to the plot. Except, by focusing a lot more on the plot, some parts of these characters’ relevance was not up to the mark. It is greatly due to how weak the plotting and pacing of the book was, tbh, more than just her writing.

Consider: Mayu Kir Kaat. She is integral to the story, but she is thrust into responsibilities, and that doesn’t give us much time to see her as a person, and then as a person with a duty, like we see with most other characters. Whatever parts of her we did see were very circumstantial and timed, which is probably the reason why not many we’re unable to appreciate Mayu as much as we should. (Maybe fandom racism also plays a part, so, well,,,).

Like, we know from Six of Crows and with The Language of Thorns, how great care went into describing the characters’ state of mind, which further heavily influenced their choices and decisions. This time though, I think she wanted it to be more plot driven, hence the whole crowded feeling of the book and general worry about oh my god too much is happening, how will all this be solved and all that.

And this, I think, greatly hampered Leigh's writing, leading to unsettling and rather unsatisfying character arcs. Not to mention that there was quite little space given for the characters to develop or let them grow in a satisfying way which touches on most of the elements and themes that get brought up with regard to their powers and potential,,, and when it was indeed brought up, it was all in vain since they were never followed through.

That's one of the biggest problems for me in RoW: Plot points brought up in KoS were not brought forward in RoW.

II. The Plot, Possibilities and Potential.

Phew. Truly buckle up because this train has too many coaches. And to discuss them all, let’s keep the starting point as Crooked Kingdom.

a) Parem

Now, by the end of Crooked Kingdom, we know some important things about the parem.

It's dangerous asf for the Grisha who have to sacrifice their will and capabilities for a short time superpower high that they didn’t even ask for

Which means they are more often than not forced to consume the drug

Shu Han is the creator of the Parem and are also creating a new kind of soldiers called Khergud (who additionally require Ruthenium, but we’ll talk abt that later)

Fjerda snatched the formula after kidnapping Bo Yul-Bayur, keeping him away in the Ice Court and in their possession, and used the Parem to further their own heedlessly heinous agenda

I think it’s easy to understand how KoS started off on the right track, considering that Kuwei Yul Bo is mentioned, the antidote and jurda is brought up and so come the political tensions alongside it (what with the impending war, the demon, the lack of funds in the coffers and security and peace for the country alongside safety for the Grisha).

The point is, parem is a character of its own. CK was its inception, and its fate was decreed along with its lifespan and its doom. Ideally, by the end of RoW, parem should have been vanquished while addressing its nature as a deadly drug, the addiction and aftermath, and the key person who will guide the plot: Kuwei Yul Bo.

Parem is a political tool that pitted countries against each other, making one another their allies or enemies. (Though parem is not the only one factor). Ravka doesn’t yet know about Kerch’s neutrality. The Shu made their move to assassinate in the end, just as Fjerda cleared the air about their goals.

Point is, parem is weapon, a new kind of warfare that keeps getting alluded to in KoS. The first book gave a glimpse of how the Shu and Fjerda are using parem, thereby exploiting, prejudicing etc. the Grisha in their countries. Khergud whose humanity is washed away with parem + ruthenium, and the Fjerdan Grisha (are targeted) drugged and exploited while be subjected to torture, training and imminent death, parametres of these outcomes being severely gendered.

Ravka too wanted to weaponize it and create a usable strain that would still give the Grisha their powers but at a minimal cost, until Nikolai’s conversation with Grigori convinces him out of it and to use only the antidote for the Grisha.

And when are the contents of this conversation brought up again?

Never.

Another aspect of parem (that the conversation also covers) is this: that what was once merzost, parem is its strange cousin. Parem parallels breaking the bounds of Grisha norms unnaturally, while merzost takes it a step further to break the bounds of nature itself, which comes with a heavy price. They're both the same with little differences. Amplifiers are in tune with this discussion, hence the conversation between Zoya and Nikolai about how, and whether or not the abomination in him, the parem, and the amplifiers are tied together. This gets brought up again in the conversation with Grigori.

Parem parallels the superpowers, something that Zoya too manages to achieve once the corruption of the amplifier business is resolved, which makes her realize how in tune with nature the Grisha must be, and how limited the Grisha powers until then had been. And why the amplifiers were a corrupted piece of magic.

Zoya was supposed to be the conduit in that sense that she reversed the Grisha norms and understood the importance and nature of small science. This is alongisde parem getting abolished or resolved in the least, be given a redressal.

Yet instead in RoW, we barely see any of Zoya’s powers, nor even her experimentation and hunger for power which would give her protection. We don't see how she begins to realize that while power was indeed protection, it was also a responsibility. Not clearly, anyway.

So like, not only is this entire discussion thrown away in Rule of Wolves, but no matters are resolved either. Parem did not reach its end like it was supposed to. Merzost with regard to parem would have been an excellent thing to address, with or without the Darkling being present, because the blight is there. But that doesn’t happen.

What happens instead? We get one chapter of Grisha getting the antidote during the face off at the start of the book, the women in Fjerda are not brought up again and instead we jump to Shu Han. Kuwei is also conveniently forgotten because hey, the Zemeni are here so it’s all sorted!

RoW could have (should have actually) sought to address both the political and medical (?) aftermath and implications. Maybe it did succeed in showing the political side of it, with regard to Mayu, Ehri, Makhi and Tamar’s storylines. But that’s only in Shu Han, whose state of affairs we had NO idea of until RoW. No idea, so much that it was completely out of the blue.

And what we did know (get to know about in KoS) is Fjerda and the affairs there remained… unsolved.

(...sorry).

b) Grisha Powers

Re: From the conversation between Nikolai and Grigori, and Juris and Zoya, about how parem and the amplifiers are parallel to each other in terms of being abominations, a corruption of Grisha powers. Now the theory of it is not entirely explained, but we do know that the parem and whatever Zoya learnt from Juris was meant to move along in the same direction.

But we don't see another mention of it, except maybe we could dig a little deeper and realize that it all adds up because Zoya is the Grisha Queen of Ravka, Summoner, Soldier, Saint, all of it rushed and unnecessarily magical in a war so dire and realistic in RoW.

Welp.

c) Spy business

Just… genuinely what even was Nina up to in RoW? A spy, sure, but only to garner information on the pretender?

Why couldn’t there have been two responsibilities for her to uncover: the lies or truths about the pretender while the Apparat causes hindrances, and Nina trying to seek out more documents of the locations and labs where the Grisha women are being tormented and the other Grisha being weaponized? It could have been a leverage to discredit Fjerda in front of everybody in the Os Kervo scene. Imagine if Nina whipped out the documents of Grisha labs and brought the truth of the exploitation and killing and kidnapping etc. in front of the convention of all nations. All of it together would have upped the political tensions by quite the notch.

Even then, there’s a possibility that it wouldn’t matter either because the Grisha aren’t exactly valuable to all the nations. But killing and exploiting is still wrong so maybe it might have worked? Or see, even if it wouldn’t have, the slow and sluggish realization of Mila’s identity by Brum, and alongside writing it as a tragedy where Nina’s efforts seem to have gone to waste, or where Nina is telling Zoya about not accounting for Prince Rasmus’ word and she informs her about the documents she has snatched? Something could have been done here?

The point is, KoS focused on Fjerda and its unraveling, and it wasn’t continued with and through in Rule of Wolves. Instead it sought to find the problem in a whole new country, Shu Han, and fixed it within the same book leaving the other country as it is.

d) Ruthenium and the Blight

Ruthenium, the metal that is an alloy of regular metal and Grisha made steel, could have been utilized more significantly in the books.

I mention it in association with the blight because while on one hand it is true that the blight is an area full of nothingness, ruthenium as a metal could have been utilized to show the effects of rushed industrialization that is leading to the ground losing its essence. This is supposed to be advanced warfare after all. Besides, Makhi loses someone very dear to her. Perhaps ruthenium is more dangerous in Shu Han because the Shu use it to create the khergud, so the constant manufacturing of it has been leading to the metal leeching the lands of their fertility, along with the blight.

And so also to broker peace, Ravka could have provided aid in some ways. :

1) The Darkling sacrificed himself, as a result of which the blight vanishes. While the blight took away her niece, the possibility of a blight persisting despite the ending of RoW could be attributed to ruthenium.

2) Ravka could provide the reversing effect to the alloy of ruthenium and metal using Grisha and otkazt’sya engineering and ingenuity to replenish the lands.

All in addition to whatever will be Shu Han’s policies to bring lushness to their lands.

e) Women and War:

Holy fucking Shit, where do I start with this?

Whatever we saw in Fjerda was haunting, and we see it from Nina’s chapters. There’s literally no resolution for it, nor is it ever brought up again, at all. In Zoya’s chapters, we see through her eyes the brunt that Grisha faced with the war, and in a country that has refused to recognize Grisha as the citizens and considers them expendable.

Add to it her own narrative of how the women are never mentioned, let alone the ones that she has lost or has known to suffer, at the hands of the war, at the Darkling's torture and powers. The description of these women suffering, often being forgotten and thrown aside as mere casualties… where or when was it ever going to be brought up again?

Like, switching between such horrifying things happening in Fjerda to whatever was happening with Zoya and Nikolai and Isaak is such a contrast, horrifyingly demeaning and insulting, even more so when it failed to align with the importance of parem and offer a solution to both these problems.

Now switch to Rule of Wolves, where the Tavgahard women immolate themselves on Queen Makhi’s orders. Not only is that such a cheap and insensitive thing to do, it gets treated a simple fucking plot point in the book, and it barely gets addressed afterwards. Women in Asia have a vastly complex and complicated history with fire, and this is a serious criticism that culturally affects readers in personal ways. And what gets done about it? Fine, Zoya feels baaaad, sorry oops why would the women do that?!?!?

Where is the adequate sensitivity to the topic? Where is the continuation of the pain Zoya feels for many people, despite them being the enemy? How does she honour them? Where is all that dilemma and pain? Why does she not think of them or just get a line or two to talk about them?

Where is the due importance for this suffering given? Structurally and culturally?

f) Soldier, Summoner, Saint / Yaromir the Great

We never really get any explanation for why Zoya deserves to be the Queen, and why she is the best. But we do get to see why Nikolai isn’t the one supposed to be on the throne, and it’s not just because of his parentage but also because of his failings and doubts and the need for acceptance with the secrets he carried.

Here's the thing though; it’s not just about her showing mercy. It’s very subtle, and in good sense, should actually have been given a little bit more importance that be loosely brought up at random times.

Keeping aside the fact that Zoya is representative of Ravka—a woman, a Grisha, a Suli girl who changed the course of war and who knew what it was like living in poverty, being as an underprivileged person of the society in addition to the trauma from then and the state of living at her aunt’s place—which is meant to be covertly apparent, the other reason tracks back to Yaromir the First, who with the help of Sankt Feliks of the Apple Boughs—the one who raised the thornwood—lead Ravka at that time into the age of peace.

The Darkling testified that in his POVs, that while Feliks and Yaromir worked in tandem for Ravka, Aleksander worked for safeguarding the Grisha. In one sense, Zoya is supposed to reflect that moment in history in the present moment, except she is Queen and Sankta, and Grisha, all three at once.

It is brought up in one of the Darkling’s POVs and once in the conversation with Yuri in KoS. Other than that, we never actually get any more hints of this explanation in the text, which is the reason why the entire ending felt so so rushed, and like a fever dream, that even if it was a plot twist, it was kinda very baseless when it should have been more ohhhhh sort of a thing.

g) The Starless Cult and Saint Worship

This cult had immense potential to blossom into many things, some of which were indeed touched upon in KoS when Zoya says that she saw a bit of herself in Yuri, and brings up time and again how easily she’d been led and had not been aware enough of what’s right and wrong, just as she supposes Yuri is too. And to some extent, there is truth there, because in the Lives of Saints, we do see why Yrui comes about to hail the Darkling and how it parallels Zoya’s, of being helpless and ten being saved by a different power/ their own power, respectively.

That’s where it forks, that Zoya is older and realizes the path that Yuri has chosen and understands that it won't happen until he realizes it himself because the Darkling’s crimes are so obvious.

Even then, there’s still more potential: This cult could have been the mirror that would make Zoya reflect on the questionable methods of the Darkling, and the ways in which she might be mirroring them, despite or not it is the necessity because of the war. How she is training soldiers too, just as the Darkling did, and while the need to take children away from their homes just as soon as they were discovered Grisha was abolished, it was war, and they needed soldiers.

So like, there’s quite a big narrative going on here, how mere children are pushed into one path of becoming a soldier and the whole system that was that the Darkling followed to train the Grisha and all of that. All of this in addition to the juxtaposition to the Grisha being seen as elite despite them being hunted, and the people who are not Grisha frowning upon them. This is also the work of the Darkling, which actually paves the way to see how there can be a world where the Grisha are not feared or seen as abnormal, despite or not they are given a Saint-like narrative.

This cult could also have been the segue to discussing Yuri and his brainwashing, and the sort of cult-ish behaviour of believing in something firm when you couldn’t believe in yourself, or not seeing the magnitude of the crimes of their supposed Saint, alongside always staying focused on becoming a soldier only and never actually thinking beyond what is told.

Some of these are very subtle and some are brought up, but never given too much of an explanation.

Genya brings up another good point in the funeral chapter, about how Fjerda seemingly taking into the whole Saints thing could mean that if the Darkling moved there, he could very well sprawl his influence there to bring in supporters. Which leads to another discussion that gets brought up towards the end of the book: about Nina telling about the Ravkan Saints to Hanne and therefore to the Fjerdans,,, which doesn’t exactly sit right with me. It’s still a very nascent topic, and I think SoC3 will explore this path of faith and personal beliefs etc. but leaving it just there, while talking so much about Saints in both the countries,,, don’t exactly know how to put it into thoughts here.

But regardless, the cult of the Starless had different potential to talk of (blind) worshipping of an ideal without critically examining why the person must be put on the pedestal in the first place (and if it is simply power, then there is actually a narrative right there, which RoW gets right, about the people valuing the power still, as a result of which the monarchy still persists at the end of RoW. Even then, there’s more discussion awaiting there).

Not sure if any of this makes sense, but I’ll leave it at this here for now.

edit: 05/07/2021 | I think what I was trying to say here is that we do not have any kind of narrative evidence to seeing how and why it seems right that the Fjerdans will worship Ravkan Saints; is it merely because they are all Grisha? Or is it because of the segue explore this path of faith and personal beliefs and all of that, of the talk of the monastery and the Grisha there being of all identities, that a monastery is in Shu Han, that it has Djel's sacred Ash tree so far away from Fjerda... much to think about.

III. Characters, Characterization, Character Potential.

Mostly going to be about Nina and Zoya, but I’ll bunch up the rest of them at the end.

a) Nina

*head in hands*

I severely mourned how poorly Zoya was written in RoW, but then I realized that more than Zoya, it’s Nina whose potential was severely undermined and wasted. On one hand, I’m glad she uses her powers and quick thinking,observation and her own tactics to analyze the population and opt for the best way to make them see the truth she wants to show them (eg: making Leoni and Adrik and Zoya saints and also showing that the Grisha are the children of Djel via people’s belief to Joran and Rasmus’s mother).

But then, it’s like you said; her parts were so offbeat and outpaced and completely disjointed, when in fact, Nina is the thread that ties all the characters, their plotlines and potential, together. Nina is connected to Zoya and Hanne, two equally important characters and main characters of the duology. Whatever scope Nina has, they are greatly in parallel to Zoya and Hanne. And it’s all literally there, in the text! What a waste.

Though keeping aside these parallels, Nina’s own journey from Ketterdam to Ravka to Fjerda, while is spoken about, doesn’t touch some other parts that I see potential in. Or this is just meta.

Nina has grief not just from Matthias’ death but also from the loss of her powers as Heartrender. So much of the Second Army was built on being a soldier, and perhaps the Darkling was not outright disdainful of racial differences in his army, yet he still stripped every part of the children away until they weren’t children anymore in his view. They’re all soldiers… (albeit his soldiers, preparing them to do his bidding because hey, give and take right?). Nina was a soldier, and she is a soldier still under Zoya’s role as a General, but an ‘other’ of a soldier. That’s her only identity, and the loss of her powers means that she’s a different kind of soldier.

I imagine that this entire time, some small part of Nina longed for normalcy, or whatever settled as normal for a life like hers. In the sense that she wants to go back, but what is back and where exactly did she want to go back to? What was the before and after and where did things go wrong or change? There’s tragedy in the realization that whatever you were before what you became is not a place you can return to, and that’s a different kind of loss that she has to bear, and all by herself. She has powers over the dead now, a strange power she learns to grow to, but all the places she has been, all the lives she has led and people she had been, everything might seem like they’ve all been locked away in some strange place leaving her barren and indisposable.

She’s off to Fjerda as someone she isn’t, figuratively and literally. In KoS, Nina brings up many times how odd she feels as Mila and in some capacity longs to be Nina Zenik again. This ties in with the previous point of returning to somewhere, but where?, but is also a segue towards body dysmorphia, the thing that Nina and Hanne’s storylines parallel and connect too with in a small way. It’s a great line to follow to discuss what her discomfort with her body means to herself while it means something entirely different to Hanne, who is also not entirely comfortable being who they are. (This discomfort further which leads to gender dysphoria, while for Nina, it will be about learning to accept her powers. I’ll add on to this in a bit,).

I'm mourning the lost potential of that experience being a parallel to Hanne’s own feelings, of a discussion between people being uncomfortable with their bodies, something that can mean multitudes to each person and on their own accord.

In parallel to Zoya, I like to draw it from the fact about Nina wanting to go back to who she was, while Zoya actively tries to lock her past away and drown it somewhere or throw it to the storm, never to hear of it again. She has no identity other than being a soldier, and that’s enough for Zoya, because who she was before she was a soldier is not pleasant. But moving from being just another expendable shell of soldier under the Darkling’s rule, Zoya becomes the one third of the Triumvirate, and then the King’s general, all of which bring self-awareness of Zoya’s capabilities and challenges that are bound to excite her. But all of these also compel Zoya to be many other people to others as she slowly grows to realize that power is not just protection but also a responsibility, and it will inadvertently mean confronting her past of her lost identity, realizing the how of the Darkling, and how harmful it was. As Genya puts it perfectly in Rule of Wolves, that they were all taken away when they were young kids, not even barely children, and then thrust into responsibilities that didn’t allow them to be anything else other than what the Darkling told them to be.

Back to Nina; a few other great parts about Nina’s arc could have been about her connection to languages, as language being a mode of strengthening identity, in addition to growing to her powers. In RoW, there’s this line that goes ‘how sweet it was to speak her language [Ravkan] again’, and the feeling of homesickness. Like, Nina is trying to connect to Ravka through what she knows best—language, and then stories. In that, Nina realizes a part of her identity, which could also act as a segue to Zoya reclaiming her own heritage and ethnicity. Not only that but Zoya and Nina’s stories are literally so intertwined that it’s hard not to see how their choices and line of thought affect one another’s arcs, in the grief they have and how they choose to treat it, and also show why Zoya is particularly protective of Nina (and keeps wishing that she doesn’t become the monster Zoya had become, in the sense that Nina is more mature in handling her grief than Zoya was and the entire mercy plotline ties Nina, Zoya and even Genya together. More meta, haH).

And that’s why the ending doesn’t make sense. Even though the part about her not being comfortable as Mila is not brought up many times in the continuing chapters (and that’s why perhaps naming Nina’s discomfort as body dysmorphia may be wrong), there’s still the part of Nina readily accepting to be who she was a Mila and remain in Fjerda that seems iffy to me. Especially when Nina and Hanne literally a few chapters ago think about running away (it may be just another alternative they might be fantasizing about, but I think it still means that they both want to be their true selves without hiding any parts of it away). So her staying as Mila… well, it doesn’t exactly add up.

I’d also add the part of Nina’s story mirroring Leoni’s, and how she is from Novyi Zem and being a part of the Second Army meant that she had little to no connection with her past, her culture etc. But maybe that’s just wishful thinking on my part that Leigh went for that arc.

edit: 05/07/2021 | I don't agree with my point anymore about Nina not having the kind of ending I assumed she might have, considering that it is very well possible for Nina to treat her identity as Mila as a fresh start, as a Grisha with a command over the the dead and begin a new normal that is suited for her. You can read more here.

b) Zoya

For one, white passing Zoya is not canon to me. I simply pretend I do not see it.

See, her race was handled very badly. Making her half-Suli was supposed to show the struggles and the trauma that the ridiculing of her identity by other people has caused to her. Except, not enough time nor text is given to thoroughly discuss it. Not to forget how problematic of a narrative in itself it is to make Zoya white passing.

It would have made more sense to make her dark skinned and predominantly Suli-looking than whatever yt bs she was put through. Her not being white-passing would have led to conversations about tokenization, or people caring little about her and not giving her any respect because she is Suli. Or being called beautiful to the face and praised just for it or a harmless tumble in their point of view.

So like, instead of making the ‘mistake’ of seeking for acceptance, seeking appreciation and love, from her mother at first and then the Darkling, Zoya instead makes herself someone to be feared, if respect was not what she deserved. The iciness is a part of her and has always been, but all of it soon became a shield, an armour that she vowed to harden her heart with. Just the sheer impact of this narrative and her reluctance, and seeing Nikolai love her for beyond who she thinks she is… if all of this was canon, I’m pretty sure I’d have built a shrine for this duology.

Let’s now talk about her grief, and...

…

Okay it’s not for me to point fingers at how Leigh chose to write about grief because there’s no one way or one proper approach to go through that pain, and if that’s how she chose to write about grief for Zoya, fine! But I really wish we’d have gotten a little more into her head to see how the trauma has affected her thoughts and how she struggles against why and what exactly it is that Juris wants her to do. That enough time and text was dedicated to Zoya’s feelings and the mayhem it caused her, as a result of which the dragon’s eye took its cue and made things more unbearable to her because she was the only one to bear them all.

Like, I feel like Zoya was overwhelmed throughout the book and in between she had some skyhigh responsibilities to discharge and it’s all so inconsistent and poorly woven,,, it completely dissolved her character from KoS and made it 10000000x more miserable for me to read her POVs. And honestly, what even were her assignments that the Kirkus review mentioned? Never an inch of text in RoW is given to decipher her complications of her mind, the muddled sense of hopelessness and fear that grips her time and again. Why overwhelm her so much that you fail to do her mental state and capacity any justice?

I’m not going to be harsh about how much David’s death bothered me-- no actually fuck that; what’s the point? Fine, he died. All because you wanted to make his death a plot device to make Zoya reconcile with loss and deal with it? Where was Genya’s grief? Literally no point of having a death in the book at all, and it didn’t even achieve anything. (I’m still trying to wrap my head around why David’s death was important and maybe if I find some straws, I’ll consider…)

There were so many other ways around it; could have brought back Lada and killed her off, or have the Darkling piss her off so badly or just. Something. Instead of whatever happened with David. I think this is too harsh and insensitive of me to say about Leigh, but still… there’s a myriad of other ways to have gone about it. Helping Zoya deal with her grief with Nikolai at her side, to understand that the rage that was fueled from her loneliness, like it had been in the past, could now be a weight that Nikolai was willing to carry with her… Helping someone with their grief, staying and choosing is also a love language you know?

So in that regard, I won’t regret saying how flat the garden scene was to me. Zoya’s lines, though tinged with grief, were so out of what I would expect KoS Zoya to say. Maybe it’s also because of how bitter I was reading about David's death, despite that part being spoiled for me.

The cost shouldn’t have been David’s death, especially not when his death too wasn’t properly handled at all, and Genya’s grief was never spared a second thought beyond bringing Titanium.

+

Now let’s talk about how Out of Character Zoya was throughout the book. Her punchy attitude was missing, and even if she was warming up to her friends, we see little of the iciness she continues to retain. Another part of this is about exploring her relationships, particularly with Nikolai and her growing feelings for him. I wish we’d have seen them grapple with more of their confusion and propriety, if only for the yearning™. Besides, no matter how cute their scenes were, they were mostly (like maybe some. 70%) awful to read them, simply because it felt so odd to see Zoya be so open with Nikolai, all of a sudden.

A part of this definitely has to be the fact that we don’t know just how much time has passed between the end of KoS and the start of RoW, and we never, never see any description of they regarded their feelings for each other and how they understood it themselves. I don’t actually know how exactly I can put this into words in a manner that will make sense, but the only scenes where I appreciated Zoyalai were in the Ketterdam chapters, ONLY. The rest was… bleh lmao. Their scenes were so cute and brilliant, and if only we’d seen more of the internal conflict and had given some more time for them to practically approach their feelings but still end up in the puddle of it. If only.

Their scenes apart were the good ones, because that’s where we finally see Nikolai feeling the loss, no matter how temporary (on the verge of being permanent since it’s the war), of not having Zoya with him, of not being there with Zoya because who else would it be if it wasn’t her? Zoyalai had good scenes but they barely lived up to the mark lol. Their feelings are never thoroughly explored, nor their mental capacities.

While we’re talking about Zoyalai, let’s also talk about how lame it was for Zoya to say that Nikolai was the golden spirited hero all along, from the very start, when canonically we know Zoya had little to do with him in the earlier books, that she may have only been physically attracted to him and never saw him as more than just some guy with a responsibility to manage, and had sooooooo much distrust about him. And that it was only in the next few years of working with him and alongside did she grow to recognize his efforts and relish in the hope that he was building for Ravka, inadvertently making Zoya hopeful too.

Nope. Instead, we’ll just throw in some destiny bs that he was the one all along rather than show that the beauty of their relationship did not stem what they perceived of each other, but was instead built on strong respect and admiration for one another and their capabilities. 100% destroyed their relationship for me.

+

Some good parts about Zoya’s arc in RoW was how she acknowledged her past mistakes, and the nuance that was touched upon in seeing sense in becoming a soldier from the start, that offered her a chance to be anything other than a bride. That some part of her was grateful for the Darkling for teaching her how to fight, while still keeping Genya’s words in mind about how they were mere kids, children who had only one path to traverse because the Darkling (who wanted their acceptance and loyalty) nor the Kings of the country let the Grisha be anything else other than pawns of the war. That she recognizes her mistakes as a teen and how self centred she was, that her being snotty had at times cost some peoples’ lives too. And she doesn’t take the blame all up on herself, because it’s not hers alone to bear. Super good.

Also, the way Zoya comes to view power as responsibility instead of merely as protection was something cool to read about. It’s not clear in the books, but Zoya actively tried to not be the Darkling while still continuing to build an army for the war out of necessity, and actually sharing some parts of the dream that the Darkling had for the Grisha. I can’t articulate this so perfectly, but the point is, Zoya trying to avoid becoming a tyrant like the Darkling was an active process that she was constantly trying to change, and where Zoya could not recognize her own feelings and inherent thoughts about warfare that in some ways did mirror the Darkling’s, by the end of book, Zoya is much more self-aware and conscious of herself and her power than she was at the start of the book. And this was well done.

+

Now, what is up with YA and making people turn into giants or animals lol wtf. Why couldn’t we have seen Zoya use her dragon powers in a way that symbolizes the conditions of her dragon amplifier and the power of the knowledge she obtained from Juris? She is a Saint, and we’ve seen that their powers allowed them to cause ‘miracles’ and such, as we see at the start of KoS and at the end.

Why couldn’t we have seen Zoya dabble with her newfound powers and completely lose her shit in anger during the wae, only to rein back in mercy, just as someone from Fjerda begs for forgiveness since they see her then as a Saint? Adrik and Leoni used their powers in Fjerda, so having Zoya bring about a conundrum of all orders and do something about it would also have been cool, wouldn’t it? In the funeral scene we see her turn water into ice, thereby making a path for Genya. Why couldn’t we have had more exploration of the importance of the dragon’s eye and the general nausea of being overly empathetic every. damn. time? Why didn’t we get to see her powers? Why couldn’t we have seen her fail in them and realize that the reason she was not perfect was because she was trying to be strong on her own and was not relying on others and joint effort?

Her turning into a dragon was genuinely the most baffling part bc here’s a war that’s so serious and dire with metals and bombs, and then here’s this magic that will solve all of it entirely. Like I’m not saying it was bad, (I am actually saying just that) but I also don’t know what I am saying, except that the ending felt like a fever dream.

…?

Not sure if I’ve managed to convey it properly, but well. Zoya felt out of character throughout RoW, and that the only place I saw KoS Zoya was in the final Os Kervo scene where Zoya finally agrees to be the queen.

c) Nikolai

Nikolai’s arc was very satisfying and brilliant to read about in RoW. In KoS, he seemed very much like a passive character, one of the reasons why his stunt with the Shu in RoW was appreciable, no matter how ill-timed of a plot turn it was. His journey throughout this book was also introspective to see why others deemed him unfit as the King, and even if they were his enemies who thought that in want to dispose him from the throne, Nikolai realizes that him being on the throne is not of much value and that this book was entirely about him seeing his privilege and making decisions to counter and correct the mistakes he’s made. That was nice. Oh, also his father not being an antagonist was a pleasant surprise.

I don’t have many complaints about him, except perhaps wanting some more internal conflict and elaboration about his feelings for Zoya. Them being apart was where it was satisfying, and then in the Ketterdam chapters. His arc could have been better in KoS, but that’s to blame the plot for the characterization.

d) Hanne

Now, from the very start, their arc was super good and it only got better and better until… the ending. Except it’s so odd that Hanne, a poc, has to now live as white person, while feeling comfortable in their transmasc identity. Icky, no? That you need to eliminate one part of your identity in order to feel safe and comfortable about another? Add to this the whole white-passing Zoya thing,,, doesn't exactly send off the right message.

Together with Nina, the ending seems uncharacteristic for both of them. Them coming to accept their powers and knowing to use their powers on their own accord was brilliant, though the entire husband business felt very,,, eh to me, even if it did make sense. The ending about their name and their new identity was too vague.

e) Genya, Leoni and Adrik, Kuwei, Mayu,

Genya is the one who faced the most disservice along with David. While there were exceptional parts to both of their plotlines, it's still sad that even if David's death was necessary, we don't get to see the entirety of her grief and the possible anger, and that her kindness is simply used as the justification for lack of portrayal of grief.

It really did take me by surprise, mostly because I wasn't a fan of the original Shadow and Bone book, but seeing David's conscience and self-awareness, along with Genya's (and Zoya thinking of how she wouldn't let any harm come to them, which shows a bit of her development towards her character development), was plenty refreshing. David and Genya were genuinely the highlights of the book and to kill David off was just. doesn't sit right with me.

Leoni and Adrik deserved more page time. They’re saints and immensely capable (no wonder they’re now the Triumvirate), but a few more pages for them to shine would not only have been nice, but also a necessity.

And now, Kuwei...

....

I mean,,, parem should have been the plot, alongside the entire weaponry and the discussion of making a city killer. But uh… that didn’t happen.

There's not much I have to say about Mayu, Tamar and Ehri, except that their plot was superb, only very badly timed.

There's more to talk about them in the remedy tho.

IV. Remedy

Here’s the deal. Before KoS release, there should have been a Nina novella.

Nina is a very important character. All of her potential, alongside many other parts of her personality--from dealing with grief, to accustoming to her powers, to growing stronger--there could be so much to do with her as a protagonist, alongside another character: Mayu.

A whole book dedicated to Nina in Fjerda with Hanne? Brilliant. Show Stopping. Mind blowing. It gives SO much page time to explore not just Nina and Mayu, Hanne, but also Zoya, Leoni and Inej. All together.

How?

Nina’s plotline carries the entire medical effects of the use of parem, just as Mayu’s will carry the pain she feels about her brother being a part of the khergud program. The novella will give ample time to flesh them out as characters and protagonists, each dealing with plot problems and problems of their own--like the loss of ones powers and newfound responsibilities, and the shared loss of a beloved person in parallel, even if neither Nina or Mayu interact on page.

Fjerda and Shu Han could be tied together with one chapter as a POV from Zoya (or maybe two), who, along with the Triumvirate and Nikolai, are completely at loss with the political scenario in the country, and are debating over what should be the course of action. Zoya receives news from the scouts, and missives from Nina, and Tamar takes care of the information she garners from the rest of the network, including Shu Han.

Like, the entire surprise of finding a Zoya POV, from a character whom until CK we’ve known as cold hearted and stern and not giving a fuck about anything or anyone, be humanized in that one chapter, thereby building up the anticipation for her arc,,, the very potential,,, *chef's kiss*.

And by the end of book, we could have an POV--or maybe a cameo if not a POV--of Inej meeting Nina on one of her travels of slave hunting. Inej could help take care that the women that Nina has rescued (as Nina does in KoS) reach the Ravkan shorelines safely. But, for a price.

The entire parallels between Leoni and Hanne and Nina could be set up, while also building up the narrative for the Saints’ plotline with Adrik's, Leoni's and Nina’s powers (like it was at the end of KoS). KoS and RoW would thereby continue it by tackling the weaponization and the antidote, Sainthood and the rest of the politics of it all.

Coming to Shu Han: one key aspect that I’d love to have explored would be the importance of art, during or despite the war. Of how war or pain chips away culture, while detailing on the ill effects of it from the commoners' perspectives, from the soldiers etc. Art is integral to Shu Han and could be portrayed by Mayu’s pain finding balm in poetry, of seeing glimpses of Ehri poring over poetry also mayri ftw, of politics that Makhi is weaving against Ravka, etc.

Or also add some more length to Zoya’s POV and explore a bit of Tamar and Tolya and Kuwei’s interactions and perspective added to it, of missing a home that they seemed to not know, or know; of discussing culture and differences on the basis of where they’re from (maybe the twins are from the borders, while Kuwei grew up near the capital or somewhere distant from the borders etc.), all while directly pointing at Zoya’s heritage and how it ebbs at her conscience, no matter how much she wants to bury it.

POTENTIAL !!!

Like,,, Nina novella would have been too powerful. It would have been perfect. I think I’d excuse bringing back the Darkling too if this was the case. (Or maybe not).

But welp.

Hey, thanks for reading! Not sure if you could make it this far, but if you have, you honestly deserve a medal for sitting through this all. I can’t imagine how tiring it must be to read through this, considering it seemed to take it more than month to compile this there’s also me procrastinating on it too so i’,mbhbdhshfsdn

Drop an ask if you want to talk more about this!

Sincerely, thank you!!!

[cuziloveyou7]

Festering feelings

Pairing: Bokuto Kōtarō x gn!reader

Wordcount: 1.7k

Warnings: angst, mentions of depression, anxiety and panic attacks. Also kind of mentioning eating disorder?

A/n: I know I said I don't like angst and stuff, but since I'm a walking angst piece right now... here ya go! I did it! Someone help me out bc idk how to do tw! If I missed something please tell me! Also please bare in mind that this is my first real fic after not having written anything for 7 years.

This is not proof read, I made this around 1.30am bc I had an idea.......

It was slow, very slow, yet very fast. The first thing that happened was just build up tension. You were mad, frustrated. You needed to vent but didn't want to bother anyone. You would usually confide in Bokuto but he was so busy. The Olympics were coming up and he was training so hard. Each time he came home he was even more tired than the day before and the day before that. So you just did what you always do, suck it up and keep your mouth shut.

-----------

You were slipping. You felt it gradually happening. Not like the times before, when for the most part you didn't know what was happening. No this time you knew.

A week. That's all you could handle. Slipping up here and there, mentioning tiny details to your best friends. Until eventually you just wanted to scream on top of your lungs on the highest building you could find at that moment. Luckily one of your friends caught on and asked you out for a walk around the park.

The two of you talked for hours. Finally getting it off your chest. It felt like such a relief. You felt like the situation was under control again. Nothing wrong. A false alarm? Or maybe just in time before the damage was out of anyone control.

Another week passed. You absorbed yourself in work, house duties and watched some episodes of your favourite anime. You cherished the little time you could spend with Bokuto and loved the stories he would tell you about the team. Your best friend also checked in on you, because they were still worried about you even though you brushed them off saying all was well.

But that nasty tiny feeling inside you was still there. A little unconscious, but festering each day, oh so slowly.

It started with getting tired more often. You blamed it on work. But even on your days off, you would wake up feeling exhausted. You would be so drained even when you did nothing but watch TV or play games to pass the time.

The next thing that happened made you more aware of your situation. Your friend asked you to go out for a walk again. You guys talked, gave an update on what was bothering you but switched the topic to an update about your friend's life. While they were telling you about their life you noticed you weren't exactly paying attention. Your mind wandering off to nowhere, zoning out of the conversation. You felt bad. Your friend had been there for you, listening to all your problems and yet here you were not really paying attention to them.

The same goes for Bokuto. He would come home, ask you how your day was and continue with telling you about his. As much as you loved his stories about the antics of Hinata and Kageyama or the other players, you actually couldn't be bothered in the least. Responding with a 'really?', 'Oh yeah...', 'that's nice'.

Next came closing yourself off. You just wanted everything to get over with. Counting the minutes down for when you could finally go home from work and curl yourself in a blanket on the couch. When Bokuto came home you would usually be "too absorbed" in whatever was playing on the TV or you would already be in bed, blaming it on work or just being tired.

You started losing interest in all the things you liked. You couldn't occupy yourself anymore. The days became longer and longer. You started losing your appetite. Only eating when your body basically screamed for nutrition and even then you would sometimes ignore your own body's scream for food.

At some point, you were just so done. Not caring to force a smile on your face anymore. Plain up ignoring your friends when they texted you. And when Bokuto would come home. The lights would already be out and you would lay in bed with the covers over your head and your back facing him.

Usually, Bokuto picks up very fast on your moods and emotions. Having gone through his well famous emo modes when he was younger. The two of you were always open and honest with your feelings and emotion towards each other. It was something you guys as a couple prided yourselves on.

It was also something you especially needed. Having gone through horrible panic attacks, anxiety and depression. Talking yourself down was/is also something your very good at. And Bokuto picked up on that very quickly when you just started dating.

To some Bokuto seems very carefree and not aware of his surroundings. But in actuality, he's very emotionally intelligent. So he struck up a conversation you would've never guessed you'd have on one of your many dates. Bokuto eased you into it, told you about his emo modes and made you comfortable enough to let you open up about your experiences. This actually helped you go past the blockade that was stopping you from making this relationship official.

But with Bokuto training for the upcoming Olympics and him being away from home more often than not, it was easier to go unnoticed for him and easier for you to slip and fall into a deeper depression.

After weeks of walking around like a zombie, you finally broke down. You had a day off. When you woke up Bokuto was already gone. He texted you later that day saying he would sleep at the training centre because training would go on longer than normal.

It had been a beautiful day, the weather was nice, the sun had been shining, the warmth of summer started to peek through. It would have made you giddy had it not been for the nasty pest growing bigger and bigger inside you. When dusk came you felt it bubbling up. You tried really hard to ignore it. Tried to soothe it with some episodes of your comfort anime. Tried to pick yourself up and pamper yourself with some extra steps in your skincare routine but it was all in vain. Once you stepped inside your shared bedroom you felt the tears trickling down your face. Through your tears you searched for your earbuds, plugging them in and searching for the best sad songs playlist you could find. Shutting off the lights as you lay down in the middle of the bed.

At first, you just lay there, looking up at the ceiling, silent tears streaming down your temple, past your ears into your hair. You felt the tears slowly make their way past your scalp until they finally touched the soft pillow behind your head. You turned your head getting uncomfortable from the feeling of your tears. The pillow your head lay on smelled like him, it's smelled like everything you loved, comforted, his favourite shower gel, a hint of sweat, it smelled like warm sunbeams on an early summer morning, it smelled nice. This made you break down in sobs, which became louder the longer you went on. You stuffed your face in his pillow, threw the covers around you, trying to silence your sobs and screams. They were too loud for you, agonising pain shot through you. You felt alone. Spiralling deeper into a dark hole that was your mind.

-----------

When Bokuto stepped inside your shared apartment he tried to be as silent as he could. The lights were out, a sign that you would probably be asleep already. While trying to get his shoes off Bokuto debated whether or not he should wake you up. He noticed you being unusually tired and sleeping earlier than you normally would. He looked at the clock hanging on the wall, 9.04 pm. A soft smile crossed his features. Maybe he was a bit selfish but he decided to wake you and tell you about his surprise day off coach gave the team. Shuffling around in the dark apartment trying not to bump into any furniture he neared the bedroom door.

The smile Bokuto had on his face disappeared in an instance. His heart dropped when he heard your muffled sobs. You sounded tired. As if you had been crying for a while now. Bokuto rested his head against the door, gripping the handle until his knuckles turned white. How could he not have noticed it before? Sure he was busy, but he always noticed when you started feeling down. Was he not paying attention to you? Had he been too absorbed in his own world? Why didn't you tell him anything? You guys told each other everything. What got you down like this so bad you wouldn't open up to anyone, not even him. But most of all, he was angry, angry at himself for letting it get this far.

But right now that wasn't important. What's most important is you. Without further hesitation Bokuto softly opened the door and stepped towards the bundled up form on the bed.

---------

You felt a cold rush of the air when your blankets lifted up from you. Goosebumps made their way onto your skin. But it wasn't long before you felt a comfortable warmth surround you. Nothing like the suffocating warmth from your blankets. Two strong arms held your body. You didn't have to look up to see who the arms belonged to.

No words were spoken between the two of you. You started sobbing a little louder again until you felt the soft vibrations of Bokuto humming. Taking your earbuds out you looked up at the man 'Kou..' you sniffle softly, but before you could continue Bokuto laid your head back on his chest and started petting your head 'It's okay now. I'm here. Let's just stay like this okay? We'll talk tomorrow' he gave your head a soft kiss before continuing humming again.

Tired from all the crying combined with the soft vibrations coming from Bokuto humming you closed your eyes. Your worries drifted away, tomorrow was another day. You would tell Bokuto everything. But for now, you felt content, safe in his arms. The bad feelings slowly subsiding for at this moment, he was your light, he was the warmth you were desperately searching for, he is your home.

[snellyfish]

May I ask..... what is in your post game V3? I dunno how to ask this without sounding weird.

HM!!!!!!!!! GOOD QUESTION;;

I mostly only have braincells for Kiyo and Angie so not a lot of my thoughts are straying from that unfortunately LMAO, I was able to branch off a bit answering this though so thank you for indirectly helping me develop more!!

But I like to think it's the same scenario as the second game where it was all just a simulation. I know what I fantasize about is a VR AU and that "postgame" tends to refer to the survivors but literally none of my favorites survived so reality can be whatever I want: postgame Shinnaga is so canon it's unreal!! I'm sure there's probably a VR fic for them somewhere out there in the world, I wouldn't know because I suck at reading fhdjfk, but I would love to write my own someday HEH

-------------------------

They'd all wake up one by one as they die and end up all in the same facility where they're taken care of by the Danganronpa team, unable to leave until they’re well again due to the contracts they signed prior to playing-- Meaning Angie wakes up, Tenko wakes up a few hours later, Kiyo another few hours later, etc. Angie jumps back pretty quick from things so she'd be already VERY excited to see Kiyo*  after watching the trial, mostly because Angie like immediately caught onto what his sister really was to him (HINT: CONTROLLING AND AWFUL) and yelling at her screen saying "GOD WILL SMITE YOU ALL FOR PICKING ON THE WEAK" at everyone just calling him some incestuous freak during the trial. Angie does have genuinely incredible intuition (thanks god!) so she looks past the fact he murdered her Scarily Fast. Everyone would definitely mistrust and hate Angie even more as she tries to preach to them afterwards about Kiyo and how they need to forgive him since he’s a victim and God (most important opinion) already forgave him, but no one ever listened to her anyway especially postgame so it’s all in vain 😔

*whom might take a bit to wake up and fully acclimate again because...idk this man was boiled alive that's kinda Fucked I think all the executed would take longer to wake up because they went through more lengthy + traumatic deaths I guess? This just means even more time for Angie to sit on her thoughts about what happened to her+Kiyo yuh yuh

Everyone becomes a mix of their pregame selves and the identities they were given, they'd end up being mediocre/average (sometimes bad) at what their handpicked talent was but a lot of them still keep up doing it until they DO become good again. A very small amount of them try to replicate their killing game outfits and kinda live off the high of being what they once were and accomplished in their fake memories, like Miu and Himiko. (this also makes me think about Irumeno a bit more 👀) Pretty much every single one of them in pregame saw themselves as nothing, being disposable enough to be in a killing game (even if it turns out to be virtual), so the new identities would overpower the mix for the most part since they’re the more intensified and dramaticized personality--IF THAT MAKES ANY SENSE LOL.

--Angie absolutely never stopped her art and has a less intense view on Religion, since garnering more experiences in life she’s just be less intense in general I'd think; more open with her emotions in that she'd actually cry, but still very manic and bubbly and optimistic nonetheless. After getting help (mostly from Kiyo who deals with the same thing), Angie is able to differentiate her thoughts and desires from “God”’s thoughts and desires, YEA she still has a funky little friend in her head. She's not AS pushy especially not with her equally traumatized fellow killing game participants but she still absolutely gets her moments of intensity and assertiveness now and then if she thinks something God is telling her is absolute truth and for the betterment of everyone: she is still Angie afterall, truly believing everyone would be much happier with her God in their lives but having enough self-restraint to know everyone will just push her away further if she tries to help them in that regard. She has her moments of desperation but most everyone’s too far gone from her already.

--Korekiyo is such a complicated one--I do like to think of pregame Kiyo as transfem/nonbinary and that would partially stick into his postgame identity in some way...killing game Kiyo was Just A Dude but after becoming the mix of the two identities he'd be VERY confused, especially with the influence of his (simulated) sister's influence. (genderfluid time? :)) He'd have varying degrees of when his...sister...alter...thing...comes out, or is present in his head in any regard, she'd be gone or slowly disappearing from his mind for months at a time and he'd initially be extremely unstable about it because he feels extremely isolated and lost when he can’t talk to her, but he's got Angie by his side so he becomes significantly less stressed about it over time, learning to cope with it. Eventually he finds himself no longer dependent on sister and...has to learn a SECOND time to not be unhealthily dependent; on Angie this time. (funky little idea I’ve been wanting to draw/write about sometime...hnnrngm) They’re both miracle workers when it comes to each other’s mental health it’s kinda insane. Of course, after realizing that Sister never really existed, he harbors near-immediate guilt for having murdered Angie and Tenko once he’s alone with his thoughts, not being puppeteered by sister, realizing everything he ever did he did for HER and realizing how fucked it all was pretty quickly--he does crave interacting with his victims in a positive and healing light but he’s sort of traumatized by it all to the point he is TERRIFIED when they’re around him at first.

--Tenko ends up EVEN MORE protective and grudgeful after she wakes up, trying to shield everyone and everything from most of the blackened, absolutely makes Kiyo manage to feel like even worse shit when he's got 1 extremely supportive and loving woman he killed and 1 extremely spiteful woman he killed who might legitimately murder him in return if he’s not careful. Tenko never makes amends with Angie and becomes close with Himiko (who's close with Gonta despite Tenko's wishes (she hates him for killing Miu, local woman)), managing to keep Himiko far far away from Angie, not only for "stealing" Himiko in the Student Council but also for the fact Angie's glued to Kiyo's side--making her the second least trustworthy person to Tenko..

--Himiko is very traumatized after the game due to surviving all the way til the end, likely making her (along with Shuichi+Maki) very disillusioned and lost--unable to decipher anything from fiction or reality--it takes a long time for Himiko to really “accept” anything; tried to cling to both Tenko and Angie but ends up just stuck on Tenko, mourning the loss of her friendship with Angie while doing so. Himiko would probably be shoved away from Gonta at first as well, but Tenko felt a lot more confident in Gonta so after a long while of her aggressively trying to teach him manners and keeping an emotional deathgrip on him whenever he wants to interact with Himiko, they’d end up close friends again. Still thinking about Irumeno-- Also with the whole ~~Survivor Delusions~~ thing, I think that helps play into Himiko’s attachment and insistence to keep up her old magician identity, because she has a very hard time trying to tell what’s real n fake ykno, and it takes her a while to realize she doesn’t have her talent anymore; absolutely ending in tearful breakdowns and unending determination to find herself again by forcibly trying to improve and push herself to her limits.

For the most part Kiyo and Angie are outcasted from everyone else, a lot of that being due to Tenko's preaching but...also everyone just doesn't understand what actually happened to Kiyo and they are all deathly worried about Angie, but not enough to get themselves involved; they're scared of Angie too, afterall, not as much as they're scared of Kiyo but ykno-- They think her naivety and determination to “fix him” is going to get her murdered again, every day they’re just counting down the minutes until it happens again. (spoiler alert: it doesn’t)

I could ABSOLUTELY go off more but I really have to end this at some point so fhdsjkfds--

TLDR;; Angie (and God alter) forgive Kiyo almost immediately. Sister alter likes to disappear sometimes making Kiyo sad and unfortunately dependent on Angie. Both Kiyo + Angie help each other heal and recover from their issues. Tenko hates both Kiyo + Angie with a passion and protectively forbids Himiko from seeing either of them. Himiko is close friends with Tenko and Gonta and Maybe More with Miu.

[nanamismoonchild]

pairing: tea shop owner! Yoongi x idk! reader

characters: reader, yoongi, ex-seokjin, jungkook

genre: fluffy fluff

warnings: none, if you don’t count the general cheesiness of it all :D

Summary: It’s one of the perfect days to run errands but those are soon forgotten when Yoongi needs help making orders for Valentine’s Day!

WC: 2.3k 

A/N: this was an attempt at practice world-building since i want to do fantasy fics,  and it is for the lovely @iridescentjin​, my secret love, for the secret admirers event. i hope you like and enjoy it, i tried to incorporate somethings I’ve seen on your blog that you like.  

Waking up to the soft cuddles of teddy bears would always be your favorite thing. No matter how old you got. You had so many, but they all had a special little place in your heart. To you, waking up with the soft bears meant that it was going to be good--no, it was going to be a great day. 

As you throw the blankets away and wiggle out of bed, you smile and stretch your still tired muscles.  Having showered the night before, you only have to freshen up a little before putting on your most comfortable walking clothes. It was your off day and you planned on getting everything on your to-do list done while the universe was gracing you with a good day.  Starting with a quick stop at the boba tea cafe at the end of your street. 

The drinks there were famous in your part of the district, leaving the other districts upset that they couldn't crossover to get a drink. That’s what they said anyway, but you knew they only wanted to meet the tea shop owner, Min Yoongi. The mysterious, timid man that always seemed to make your regular drink taste different each time.  You hoped today would be the day he allowed you to watch him make a couple of drinks.

Stepping out of the apartment with a pep in your step, you join two of the other tenants at the elevator doors. One of them who you despised. 

“Y/N! I see you’ve crawled out of bed like the spider thing you are.”

“Seokjin. Your insults are worsening by the day. Perhaps your old age is getting to you.”

Kim Seokjin was your ex-boyfriend. The relationship dwindled into nothing but the two of you becoming enemies. He was too selfish and you were too stubborn to realize it was happening. So here you were--throwing petty jabs at one another to hide your pining. 

At least that’s what you called it. 

“Ah, how you wound me.” 

The elevator doors opened and the three of you stepped in. The other person made it a point to stand as far from the two of you as possible. 

“Where are you heading off to? You’re never up this early on a weekend.”

“I decided to get some errands done today and I read that it’s best to get it done early. How about you?”

“Ah, the 2nd district is having a problem with their taxi systems. The taxis are taking them into different districts. Highly illegal, and I have to fix it.”

There were twenty districts in all, and it was illegal for any of them to cross-over without proper paper works.  Population control was an all-important cause in the day and age. The 2nd district was the largest of the districts and if any of them were passing over, it would cause a commotion.  Most jobs in your district didn’t require the need to travel to the other districts, but Seokjin had been chosen to be a system repairman. He had wanted to be an actor and model. Alas, the system found that his skills would be more reliable in repairs, and it paid well above what you were making too. 

“Good luck. I heard the 2nd district has the worst hospitality.”

“With this face, the meanest person would show me grand hospitality.”

The elevator dinged as it opened the doors. Rolling your eyes at his vain statement, you step out of the elevator and breathe in the morning dew air.  It was the perfect day to walk through the district.

Blue skies, fluffy clouds, and the smell of pastries wafting in the air. Your stomach growled, making you practically run to the tea shop. 

The bell alerted Yoongi to another customer’s presence. It was the day before Valentine’s Day, and the orders were gradually becoming more than he could handle alone. Thankfully, his cousin Jungkook had managed to find a break between streaming and could help later. Yoongi only had to survive for three more hours---if he didn’t start crying before then. 

Usually, he could handle three hundred orders a day, but people from the other districts had somehow found out about his shop and were requesting deliveries. He didn’t even know how they expected him to do that! There was no way he could get a license to deliver in a mere day.  

Suppressing a groan, he made his way into the dining room. It was empty except for the few customers who were waiting for their daily boba.  And you. 

Yoongi enjoyed your company, and would normally have your drink prepared and ready.  However, today was different and he didn’t think he would be able to do it.  

“Y/N! Happy to see you.”

“Yoongi! I’m happy to see you as well. Busy?”

“Actually, yes. I have about five hundred orders to do before closing. Everyone decided to order last minute. Completely unexpected,” Yoongi sighed, the exasperation beginning to show on his face. 

Yoongi watched as you put your bag in a nearby chair and glanced at him. “How many have you done so far?”  

“Pfft, so far, I would say one hundred. Had to come at three am to get started.”

Watching as you teetered on your legs in deep thought, Yoongi began to draw himself back into the kitchen. He couldn’t waste time talking--or flirting-- with you as much as he would like.  

“What if I helped?”

Yoongi spun around almost losing his footing. You had been so quiet asking that he almost hadn’t heard you. But he did. 

“I would love that, but I have a friend coming in a couple of hours. I think I’ll be able to manage in the meantime.”

“Yoongi, it’s almost ten in the morning. You’ve only made one hundred drinks in seven hours. I’m helping you. Give me an apron and recipes and I’ll do my best.”

Yoongi muttered under his breath, something about calling him out, and went into his back room to fetch an apron for you. He knew he needed your help, but your presence could possibly distract him. He’d had a crush on you since the first time he opened. You had been new to boba and had no idea what to get and after a moment of getting to know a few of your likes and dislikes, he had made a drink he thought was perfect. It was now your usual, and he took deep pride in it. 

“Under district law, I’m going to have to pay you.”

“Sweet. Let’s get started.”

 Yoongi already had the ingredients laid out in the kitchen. All you had to do was follow the recipes he had written in his book. There were no measurements. 

Tutting, you resist fretting at the lack of teaspoons and cups in the recipe book and mime Yoongi.  It wasn’t as easy as you’d thought it would be. The brown-haired man made it a point to throw in tiny bits or large bits of the ingredients. 

By the time he had made it through three, you had only just begun to finish one drink.  Maybe this wasn’t the best idea. 

“Alright, this isn’t the most efficient thing to do. I suck at making these. Is there anything else I could do?” You turned towards the man, huffing a little from your frustration.

Yoongi did the same, mimicking your huff as well. 

“If you have a car and a license to go to the other districts, then yes. But otherwise, no.”

“You need deliveries done?”

Yoongi nodded as he finished off another drink and placed it into a drink carrier that was already filled with three other drinks. 

“I honestly don’t even know why I confirmed all of these. Well, I thought the addresses were from this district until I looked at a map,” he paused, “after I confirmed them.”

You couldn’t help the giggle that escaped. The poor man had doomed himself by accident.  

“You’re lucky I have both. I can definitely do everything that needs to be.”

He smiled at you, a full-on gummy smile that made your cheeks heat. 

“I could never thank you enough.”

“I mean,” you roll eyes nonchalantly, “You could give me free bobas from now on. Just a thought.”

“I can make that happen,” he giggled.  

 By the time, Jungkook had come in to help, you had already delivered most of the orders that Yoongi had finished. Most of them were in the second district and the traffic there was atrocious. Seokjin was already finished with the taxi system update and everyone was running to prepare last-minute Valentine’s outings.  You had seen a couple of men running out of the superstore with giant teddy bears during one delivery. 

It made you a little jealous if you were honest. You were as single as a pringle--thanks to Seokjin breaking up with you only two years ago. No one had really been interested enough to date, and none of them had been intimate enough to have more than a one-night stand. 

No one besides Yoongi, but he had never shown interest in you, and your lack of flirtation to him obviously didn’t help. Yoongi was everything you wanted. 

His physique showed that he was a strong man, probably from carrying huge baskets of strawberries to and from his kitchen.  His eyes were dark brown, and every time he would make eye contact, you would melt. And his smile--when he truly smiled and not one of the timid ones he would give other customers-- could always brighten your day. 

However, he was only a dream. The man was married to his shop and craft. 

Opening the door to the shop, you can see Jungkook, a friend of Yoongi’s, jamming to something that was playing in his headphones. He didn’t pay attention to you coming in. 

Yoongi was nowhere to be seen. You hoped he was taking a break. 

“Jungkook!” Nothing. You walked in front of him and waved in front of his face. “Jungkook!”

He practically threw off his headphones, his doe eyes bulging. “Oh. Hi! Y/N! You’re back already.”

“Yeah. A bunch of the houses was close together. I’m assuming they all recommended the tea shop to each other.”

“It is the best in all of the districts,” he bragged. 

“True. Where’s Yoongi?”

“I think he went to go and get some rest in the backroom. We’re actually almost done. I think we have about one hundred more to go.”

“Wow, seriously?”

“Yeup!”He popped the “p” at the end.  “A bunch of the orders cancelled for some reason. Shame. Or not shame, but that would’ve been really good money for Yoongi.”

“It would’ve. I wonder what happened.”

“Break-ups. Got something else. Couldn’t afford it...Who knows?” He put his headphones back on and started playing his music again, signaling the end of the conversation. 

You left Jungkook to his music and went to seek out Yoongi.  He was slumped over his laptop desk, a light snore coming from him.  You almost didn’t want to wake him. He was the most relaxed you’d seen him all day, and he couldn’t have gotten a ton of sleep since he had to wake up earlier than usual.  It was by pure chance that nearly three hundred orders had cancelled.  You knew it had been good for business, and the people who cancelled could go to hell, but you were thankful for the chance to watch Yoongi nap. As weird as it sounded. 

“Y/N?”

Jumping out of your thoughts, you see that Yoongi had woken up from his catnap and was standing up.

Your cheeks warmed and you looked away in embarrassment.  “Oh, um, hi. Uh, I just got back from the delivery, and Jungkook told me I could find you in here, but you were napping and I was going to walk out, but I kind of zoned out, and uh, yeah.” The rambling stutter came out too quickly and you were unsure if Yoongi had even understood you. 

He smiled. The gummy smile and a rosy blush was creeping into his cheeks. 

“Y/N, you’re cute.”

“Cute?”

“Yes, cute. I was actually working on something back here before I fell asleep so I’m happy you came in.”      

Peering at him in curiosity, you gasp when he takes your hand and leads you further into the room where a heart-shaped cake and your favorite tea sat on a table decorated in a red tablecloth. 

Turning to look at Yoongi, eyes wide in surprise, you see he has the biggest smile on his face, but his eyes were filled with nervousness.

“I know it’s a whole day before Valentine’s, but I’m going to be swamped tomorrow with orders from couples who want to spend their day out and about.  

“I’ve been wanting to do this for a while now--ever since you came tumbling into the tea shop. You were so pretty with your naivety of bobas. It was such an honor to me to get to know you and make a tea special for you and only you. I don’t do that for a lot of customers. And that’s the thing. You were never a customer to me, but someone I wanted to get to know further. Of course, I was a chicken and didn’t ask you out then. 

“So I’d thought I’d do it now. Especially after you helped me get rid of a ton of stress.  I had Jungkook bake the cake while you were gone. But I made the tea as usual because I want to be your usual. Will you allow me to take you on a date?“ 

Grinning at the cheesy line, you take in his words. They were corny, but they melted your heart all the same.  It was almost a marriage proposal, and, honestly, you wouldn’t have minded if he had asked.

Your answer would’ve been the same because your feelings for him were steady.  

With all the elation and exultation you could muster, you answer, “Yes.”

[littleoddwriter]

BoP!Roman Sionis has BPD (in my opinion) | Headcanon

Disclaimer: This is purely a headcanon with some “evidence” from the film. I have been diagnosed with BPD. This is by no means meant to invalidate any other headcanons (like the Bipolar one, which I’ll also mention here). Please don’t come for my ass, thanks!

Personally, I headcanon BoP!Roman Sionis to suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). For one, I have been diagnosed with it, so I feel more connected to him through that (so, I may be projecting a liiittle bit). But he also shows quite a few signs for it, albeit it probably wasn’t intentional, nor does he have to have a specific disorder assigned to him anyway. Still!

I saw a lot of people assign Bipolar Disorder to him from the day the movie premiered, and while I can’t deny the possibility, nor do I want to take away anyone’s headcanon, one reason why I was always a bit “Hhh, idk” with it is because his mood swings are way too rapid. They happen in such quick succession, whereas Bipolar Disorder is known for- not gradual, but more long-lasting and slower changing moods/mood swings. BPD on that note happens in moments, almost. You can be feeling like you’re on top of the world, a God even, in one  moment, and the very next - usually because of a trigger - you plummet, you feel everything at once, it is overwhelming. Most common are anxiety, guilt, or anger. Rage. Which Roman displays. He is also quick to calm down after an episode and act as if nothing has happened at all, which is also quite common in people with BPD.

It is of course possible that he has Bipolar and BPD. I’ve met some people who suffered from both (and more). It’s possible and quite common, since BPD often comes with other disorders anyway. They don’t cancel each other out. So, if anyone headcanons him with Bipolar, then that’s what he has and you can do whatever you want with that, I support that. I just feel as if sometimes people reached a quick verdict because the mood swings were so potent that they might have immediately connected it to Bipolar, because that’s pretty much all that people usually know about it. Or someone who suffers from it has seen Roman and thought “I see myself in that” and that’s super valid because that’s basically what I’m doing here, too. I still thought I’d bring it to attention, since it almost became Fanon at one point and I just felt as though the more plausible answer has been overlooked all this time, I’m not going to lie.

Onto the signs/”evidence” of Roman suffering from BPD that I found/have personally interpreted that way (again, you can interpret/headcanon whatever you want):

Please note that there are 9 Symptoms of BPD that are used to diagnose people. You have to show at least 5 of them to qualify for a diagnosis. It can’t be diagnosed before the age of 18, and it’s important that the symptoms have been going on for a long time in a certain pattern that aligns with BPD, rather than anything else because most BPD symptoms are ones that show in other disorders as well.

Intense fear of real or imagined abandonment and frantic attempts/efforts to stop said abandonment from happening: Roman is shown to 1) not handle rejection well at all (example: Keo, Dinah’s betrayal - and his reaction), 2) cling onto other people (example: Dinah), 3) need reassurance that he’s not being betrayed/abandoned (example: Dinah), etc. You get the idea. He reacts extremely to these things. Mr Keo rejects him? He gets murdered. Dinah betrays him? He breaks down completely.

Intense mood swings: What I said above - his mood swings are quick and extreme. He’s agitated, even raging, in one moment and in the next he jumps up, is giddy and excited, as though nothing ever happened.

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterised by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation: Just like moods, and helped by the black/white thinking, opinions of other people can change in a heartbeat. Also characterised by a BPD-exclusive thing, called Splitting. One moment you’ll love someone to the moon and back, then they make one mistake, change their tone, anything, and you hate them, they’re evil, you want them gone. Sounds as unhealthy and exhausting as it is. Again with Dinah - she used to just be a singer in his club, which he was fascinated by. She comforted him. Suddenly, he made her his new driver and his opinion of her didn’t necessarily change, but it intensified, he “loved” her more than anything, or anyone else at that time - idealised her (I’d say that she momentarily was his new Favourite Person (FP, also BPD exclusive), even though Zsasz has been his FP for over a decade by then). Then she betrayed him and while he didn’t want Zsasz to kill her immediately, you could say that he may have wanted to do it himself. He definitely hated her at that point. She was evil, a betrayer. She needed to be gone. 

Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self: Basically, I’d say that his carefully constructed vain facade is part of it. I think he built this flamboyant, outgoing persona to appeal to others and be able to socialise better. He lives off of approval and attention, and the best way to get it is to be loud and eccentric the way we know him in the film. And he is narcissistic to a fault, which you could attribute to BPD as well, but also his lack of a clear sense of self, therefore forcing it by idealising himself almost. Just my thoughts, though. The more valuable evidence for this is Black Mask. Roman has this different persona, both as protection, and as a means to let go, to get away from himself, to be even more cruel, etc. But he doesn’t always make use of it, hell, for all we know, the end of the movie really was the first time (in a long time, perhaps) he’s actually been Black Mask. I believe that he doesn’t really know who he is, or who he wants to be. Black Mask knows it, though, and he is better in ways that Roman can’t push himself to be. At least that’s my take on it. I just feel as if Roman’s very flamboyant and eccentric persona is something he consciously built, that it’s someone he pretends to be, even though deep down he knows he’s not that. Or maybe it’s just a part of him that he amplifies because he doesn’t know what else there is to him, doesn’t see anything else significant to himself. You know?

Impulsive and often dangerous behaviours: Roman abuses substances (he takes drugs, drinks alcohol), especially when he is trying to cope after being rejected (Keo). Other things would only be speculation, so I won’t list them, but it’s safe to say that he does show this symptom.

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, or recurrent physical fights): Not much to say to that, if you’re reading this, you have seen the film and know exactly why I say that he clearly shows this symptom.

Paranoia and Dissociation: It’s not an entirely clear thing, but I’d argue that it’s safe to say that he shows clear signs of dissociation and paranoia. [I’d also say he is shown to be psychotic (he’s definitely delusional and has auditory hallucinations, so- psychosis).] For the paranoia, I doubt I have to say a lot about this, but- Black Canary again. “You wouldn’t betray me, would you?” after he’s already been betrayed by Harley and then Erika, who he thought has been laughing at him. He can’t trust anyone. Not even Zsasz, apparently. Because when Victor told him Dinah is a rat, he asked him “Are you sure?”, making it clear that in this very moment, he didn’t trust him either. I feel like he probably doesn’t even trust Victor as blindly as we were made to believe anyway, due to his paranoia. [Now for the psychosis: You can hear too loud and distorted laughter when Keo rejects him, when Erika supposedly laughed at him, and when Victor tells him Dinah is a rat. I’d say that it’s safe to assume that he hears this laughter in his head - auditory hallucinations.] He also dissociates, when he becomes Black Mask, and when he is having an episode because of the diamond being stolen. Only Victor could ground him by intense physical contact and seeking just as intense eye contact. 

As you can see, I can assign 7 of the 9 criteria to Roman (the two that have been left out were self-harming/suicidal behaviour and chronic feelings of emptiness, both of which I can’t determine through what we’ve been shown in the film, so). 

Still, to me, he may as well suffer from both BPD and Bipolar, which would make his psychosis even more likely (psychosis can also be caused by BPD, but actual hallucinations are less common, usually we are more likely to “only” experience delusions).

If anyone’s even read all of this - What are your thoughts on this? Do you think it’s plausible? Did you have a wholly different opinion? I’d love to hear anything people have to say, as long as it is respectful!

[axemetaphor]

im definitely not ripping off my friend by making a list of au ideas i have no siree //gonna slap this under a readmore cause i. well i say a lot. all of the time. i tried so hard to format this Good but tumblr fucked me up i am so sorry

so first-off i know i already have one WIP AU (Auckland) on ao3 so i wont talk about That one cause like. spoilers. i actualyl have it like 80% created so its likely gonna truly get finished for once and i dont wanna ruin shit

the other one ive posted about is something me and ben (catgirlrepublic) have worked on together its not at all close to done or anything but it's. a fun little crossover. Between jdate and my fuckinuhm. Original characters story “Untitled Villains Project”. the sketches of the comic version ive started is actually my pinned post 👉👈 its like the first chunk of the story, i think half of part 1? yea.

Tldr john fucking Somehow is able t oget into contact with a certain curious scientist from another reality who’d just love to study the Soy Sauce, most certainly not for her own nefarious purposes

John and Dave meet up with the scientist, her name is Boss, and her lab assistant, Toxic, and after a bit of a preliminary Vibe Check where john determines her trustworthy (which Dave doesnt agree with,) the two agree to be taken to the world UVP is set in. from there they stay in Boss’s lab (big old fucking abandoned military lab). John and Toxic are fast friends due to mutual love-of-chaos. John n Dave get to fuckin, camp out on an air mattress.

The day after they arrive, the two get split up, not exactly intentionally; big plot points of UVP are liek. Fueled by Boss sending Toxic to go fetch her “research materials,” which are usually important artifacts

Fuckin side note i guess i have to explain my dumb bullshit: Boss’s, uh, field of expertise so to speak is actually fckin, basically the scientific study of magic and superpowers n shit like that. This shit’s all real in that world. Toxic’s got fuckin superpowers, so do 4 other main characters, whatever. It’s got a bit to do with spirituality, iss Boss’s hypothesis. So she has Toxic fetch important artifacts that might have “energies” to them. The thing is actually way more fuckin complictated than that, this is just Boss’s initial hypothesis.

Motherfucking anyways. So Boss gives Toxic a job to do, and John get excited about how Cool that sounds, and ends up going with Toxic, leaving Boss and Dave alone. Neither is thrilled about this. But Dave and Boss get to have a bit of conversation (while Toxic and John are off bonding and having a good time) and come to a… mutual grudging understanding of some kind. They still dont like each other though lmao

Theres gonna be deeper shit going on but we havent sorted it out yet/tbh havent like Written For It in a while but i still like thinking about it a lot lol

Also pretty sure our endgame is john and dave steal toxic and bring them back with em lmao boss is kind of not nice and toxic would most certainly be better off in Undisclosed. Actually theyd fucking love it. Theyd become a local cryptid im sure. Undisclosed’s mothman is a teleporting spike baby.

I have. Another crossover AU that i might. Post something about for halloween? Maybe? If i have it finished?

Crosses over into, you guessed it, another one of my original-character projects. God, am i vain or something?

I promise this is just because i think blue and dave should get to team up to beat up some monsters

Quick briefing on my fuckinuh. Original character story, this one doesnt have a name (yet? Idk lol my work never actually goes anywhere sso who gives a shit). It centers around two grim reapers, Red (26, bi woman) and Blue (22, aroace agender asshole). In this reality or whatever, grim reapers function kind of like low-level office workers. They get told who’s going to die + when by some middle-management types, and upper management only involve themselves when punishment needs to be doled out. These Higher-Ups can be seen as analogous to Korrok; they’re decidedly not human, never were, and fucking terrifyingly powerful. Additionally, grim reapers are sort of .. designed to be “background noise” people. In reality theyre supernatural beings and, uh, look Real Fuckin Weird (the whole deal has a neon aesthetic im terrible at drawing uwu) but most humans just perceive them like extras in a movie. A body’s there but the camera’s not focused on it.

To the narrative: the shit starts when Red n Blue get relocated to Undisclosed. Relocation is something that just happens every now and then to reapers; they usually work in teams, but they get split up into different cities to avoid any strong bonds forming (a counter-union strategy from the Higher-Ups).

Red, Blue, John and Dave end up running into each other for the first time in a McDonalds where John n Dave are getting some 4am “hey, we just survived another horrific monster fight” celebration burgers. John and Dave are the only two people who can see how… strange Red and Blue are. Nobody else notices.

John unintentionally pisses Blue off, leading to Blue whacking him upside the head with a dildo bat. They all four get kicked out of McDonald’s. Dave and Red both are less than thrilled

Blue and John end up resolving their differences, somehow. Red and Dave briefly bond over their dumbass best friends being, well, dumbasses. They all part ways amicably.

somehow-or-other (idk yet) they end up running into each other a few more times, and eventually john invites them over to his place, and the four (plus Amy now!) get to know each other a little better

while there, Blue gets a text about some guy who's gonna die and John offers to drive them to where that's gonna go down. they take him up on the offer and get to have a bit of one-on-one conversation

after that ordeal though Blue has had Enough of people and bails, leaving John to head home alone

theres a sort of mirror-development going on with the five of em. Red, John, and Amy would all like everyone to get along, though theyre a bit tentative about it (John moreso than the other two, actually, jsut cause. well Red n Blue could still be Sauce Monsters). Dave and Blue on the other hand do Not like people enough for this shit, and Dave's not unconvinced theyre Sauce Monsters. he will not trust them until proven he should

the story's kinda nebulous but i got an idea for some Shit going down that involves both Sauce Monsters and also the Higher-Ups to have some fuckin absolute chaos go down.

Oops! All Trans

Everybody is transgender. Everyone

Ive actually workshopped this one both with ben (catgirlrepublic) and ghost (ghost-wannabe) lmao its a fun lil concept ive had from the get-go cause i mean. What’s an internet tran gonna do other than hit all their favourite media with the Everyone’s Trans beam

Dave transitioned post-high school and faked his death for it. People go missing in Undisclosed all the damned time, after all. He moved to the next city over, transitioned fully, then came back as a completely new man. Yes i know this doesnt exactly fit with the “everyone knows David from high school” thing alright, hush.

Anytime anyone brings up John’s old best friend (pre-transition Dave) John throws an entire fit like an overdramatic grieving widow. Full-on sobbing “why would you bring her up?! I miss her so much—” to the point that people just stop bringing up because Jesus Christ That Sure Is Uncomfortable KJHGFDS.

This is a scheme he and Dave came up with prior to Dave leaving, though Dave hadnt exactly anticipated John putting on this much of a performance about it— but it’s stopped Dave from ever having tto hear his deadname again, so hey.

Amy transitioned sometime in middle school/early high school. Her family was super supportive and loved her a ton and most people just know her as Amy. she was super shy her whole life really so. Yeah. people just dont think to bring it up lmao also i Feel Like big jim would absolutely wallop anyone who gave her trouble of any kind

John’s nonbinary (genderfluid specifically) and not exactly Interested in transitioning ? like hes fine with how he is. mostly.

he came out to Dave in high school but hes not out to anyone else exactly. Maybe his bandmates. Probably any other trans person in Undisclosed knows, too, cause theyre safe to tell lmao. Johns mostly a “he/him out of convenience” kinda nb who’s cool with any pronouns but does prefer they/them most. Dave and Amy use they/them when the trio are alone

Also this is a totally self-indulgent caveat that i think would be great, Dave’s actually agender but because he's transmasc and transitioned when he thought there were really only two options, and being Boy at least felt less weird than being Girl, he just kind of assumed he was a dude. It’s only through a lot of (like fucking years and years hes probably in his 30s/40s when he puts 2 and 2 together on this one) talks about gender with John that he realizes he actually feels like No Gender. Masc aesthetic with none gender.

I Just Think It’d Be Neat Is All Okay

Also Amy came out to Dave about being trans early on in them seeing each other and his response was to get very nervous before blurting out “me too” and then just being too embarrassed to talk about it for the rest of the day. Hes got a lot of hangups on talking about it actually it takes years for him to get comfortable in that

by contrast when Amy comes out to John about it his response is to yell “EYYY ME TOO” and give her a big ol hug lmao

I think itd be neatt if Amy ran a like. Transfem help/advice blog on tumblr. Kind of helped-with by John who can give her transfem nb insight for certain asks. I also just think that would be neat.

Cowboy AU - i put this one last cause its got drawings to it actually. Theyll be at the bottom

Basically just. Hey you ever watched a western. I think they look neat

This is another one me n ben have come up with lol

The soy sauce and all that shit still exist, im not sure where korrok fits in yet but ill figure it out

Theres no real like solid narrative yet ? but heres the barebones of everybody’s arcs.

John

Johns an absolute troublemaker, Of Course. Hes wanted in several towns for absolutely stupid shit. Hes a loner who shows up, causes chaos, gets drunk, does some drugs, runs away if people get too mad at him

He definitely had the same kind of deal with the soy sauce as in canon— he was at some kind of party, somebody offered it, he took it cause why the fuck wouldnt he, now he can see monsters and shit

Hes kind of a mooch also. Like. dont let him stay in your barn man he’ll never fucking leave and drink all your booze.

He runs into Dave when they happen to just, cross paths in the same town. the bullshit John stirs up ends up involving Dave in a way that makes it seem like it's his fault too, and they both get run out of town

after that he just tags along after Dave. hes decided this guy's Cool he wants to stick around. Dave is pissed at first, but not enough to shoot him or anything, and eventually, John grows on him

Dave

Dave also is a loner but unlike John hes simply so fucking awkward and bad with people. He doesnt feel like he belongs anywhere so he just travels

He’s the stereotypical Lone Ranger tbh. He wanders from town to town, solving their problems, though hed deny its out of any moral obligation (it kinda is, a little bit, tbh. He does like feeling useful). He shows up, fixes things, leaves. He's kind of a legend but most people think he's hiding something dark. other people jsut know him as that guy who farted real loud in the middle of the saloon and promptly skipped town out of sheer embarrassment. you know how it goes with Dave

He ends up involved with the Soy Sauce when a snake (not Actually a snake,) bites him. The snake’s more like the wig-monsters, really. Anyway, it injects him with the soy sauce, he fucking trips balls in the middle of the desert, he can see monsters now

He runs into John and shit goes tits-up, as said, but they become traveling buddies after that. he'd never say so, but he's glad for the company, actually. it's nice. hes not used to companionship but he feels a strange kind of easiness hanging out with John....

not sure how the Monster Dave concept will like fit in to this reality but like. trust me i want it in here. I'll Figure It Out.

Amy

Amy’s been living in a town John and Dave end up passing through and she is very curious about these two new Handsome Strangers who claim to fight monsters and just kinda. Persistently tags along til they let her join for real

Her family’s all dead, unfortunately, just like in canon, and she’s been living alone for a few years before meeting John n Dave. she had nothing left in that town to stay for, she'd been fantasizing about escaping on wild adventures for a long time and this felt a little like a dream come true. (Dave still gives her a spiel about how Difficult it is, but really, her fantasies were pretty grounded-in-reality already. i jsut think thats how she is, yknow?)

Shes the first person to react to the whole “we see monsters” shit with a kind of “oh, okay. neat” kind of response lmao

John and Dave fix whatever the fuck is up with her town (maybe that’s where the Korrok shit can fit, who knows) and Amy ends up being integral to that. After, she insists they take her with them because “they need her now” and Dave just cant really say no. John too is very much "the more the merrier!" and hes actually glad to have another person along he loves people lmao

At the start she has long hair but after she joins them she chops it short with a knife for convenience

also she still is an amputee. justt. idk. it was a wagon/stagecoach accident rather than a car accident lmao. just to clarify since i hadnt mentioned it, i wouldnt rob her of her ghost hand or yknow. all of the significance to her character that Missing A Hand has. although also now im going to have to research what was used as painkillers way-back-when, but im betting shes still got, like, her pain pills, they probably had those, maybe i wouldnt have to try too hard there. old timey medicine could be WACK though,

Shitload

Yeah hes in tthis shit mostly cause i liked designing his cowboy self lmao

Hes a kid (like 16, 17, technically i think in those days that was more Young Man than Kid but whatever. Hes Young i mean.) who got possessed by the Worms out in the desert and, by his family’s perception, just went missing!

Hes also a wanderer, but he ended up at the same town john and dave met in, at that same time, and starts following them after, already aware of who/what they are.

He keeps his face covered 24/7. actually he covers a Majority of his self for reasons. kinda want him to be a slightly more horrifying Worm Entity rather than human idk,

I kinda dont have much for this boy yet sorry Shitload

images !

with some editing notes for me cause im doing a very specific aesthetic with this lmao. i might change some lil details/colours though ...... idk

im also kinda 🤔 about shitload's colour palette. i want things assoicated w the sauce to be black'n'red predominantly but i think his palette might mirror dave's too closely. also im working on a korrok design i jsut am too busy to draw it now

[biwenqing]

So this is for the day three prompt: Social Media AU for Spring Sleuthing over at @tsomdevents! I wrote this fic a while ago, and it fits perfectly for this. But I realized it was going to be more than one chapter. I will continue it once the prompt week is over!

teen | pre-relationship | WIP | ao3 link | formatted as tweets | wc:1767

WZ @theroommatedilema

i made this secret account to live tweet my two oblivious roommates having a quarantine romance. or not. they are idiots. follow to find out will they/won’t they.

he/him | Joined March 2020

WZ @theroommatedilema . March 27 we are starting week 2 of quarantine and i realized i needed to document this. my two roommates who have been dancing around each other since before shit hit the fan are driving me crazy and if i have to watch this the world has to as well.

WZ @theroommatedilema . March 27 we need to give them code names because, while i don't think either of them will find this account, best not to tempt fate. so we have 'hot chef' and 'smart aleck'.

WZ @theroommatedilema . March 27 all that out of the way, we can now get to the live tweet. hot chef was doing his laundry so he was walking around the apartment shirtless. smart aleck walked into a wall, not once, not twice, but three times. hot chef didn't help this when he put on an apron

WZ @theroommatedilema . March 28 smart aleck started the day by almost burning down our kitchen trying to make breakfast to impress hot chef. luckily i was awake and stopped things before there was a grease fire, before making breakfast myself. they both seemed to like it.

WZ @theroommatedilema . March 29 hot chef thinks we should try and exercise, but i think it is cold and slippery out, so if he expects me to join him on his morning runs, he is wrong. smart aleck did make an attempt and i got to watch him wipe out from the window. lucky for him hot chef caught him. yea i know

WZ @theroommatedilema . March 29 follow up to wipe out: hot chef helped smart aleck back into the house and then took care of him, before then still going on his run. smart aleck pouted next to me on the couch, watching out the window for when he came back like a puppy.

WZ @theroommatedilema . March 30 smart aleck has decided he needs to clean and organize the whole apartment. i think he just doesn't want to do his real job. this has led to an argument with hot chef because smart aleck has taken everything out of the kitchen cabinets and messed with his books.

WZ @theroommatedilema . March 30 as a household, we have a pretty solid 'don't touch my stuff' understanding, but that apparently goes all out the window during a pandemic. hot chef keeps all his cooking tools and supplies in a special order that makes sense only to him and i leave it be

WZ @theroommatedilema . March 30 but smart aleck wants to "help" and didnt ask if anyone wanted help so here we are. don't worry, this account isn't in vain, i can confirm that their argument is more bickering and that bickering is the stereotype of an "old married couple"

WZ @theroommatedilema . March 30 SA: but you do so much, i wanted to help! HC: if i need help, i'd ask for it SA: *arms crossed* would you? give an example of when you have asked for help. HC: ....i haven't needed help SA: bullshit! remember when you got the flu last year and didn't tell us?

WZ @theroommatedilema . March 30 SA: you practically passed out before you let WZ and i take you to see a doctor! and then you still argued about us making sure you got the food and fluids and everything you needed so you didn't die! HC: ...i didn't want either of you to get sick

WZ @theroommatedilema . March 30 SA: oh yes so ignoring the issue really helped? it’s better that you almost died? in case you didn’t already notice, smart aleck is always dramatic.

WZ @theroommatedilema . March 30 for those wondering, smart aleck is not wrong here. this is exactly how events occurred. it was only a few months after I moved in with them. for the fight i think smart aleck somehow won this round. tune in tomorrow for what happens next!

WZ @theroommatedilema . April 4 no updates because they have been pretending to ignore each other and focused on work. hot chef in particular. smart aleck claims it is because hot chef isn’t used to being cared about. he told me this in a deliberate stage whisper.

WZ @theroommatedilema . April 4 i think it is important to note that hot chef did still make dinner each night to share... he just went back to his room after.

WZ @theroommatedilema . April 5 i got a question asking what we all do for work. that’s classified. and mostly unrelated. though it is how we met in a very odd course of events.

WZ @theroommatedilema . April 5 that was not an invitation to send me more questions. i know you are all nosy, or else why would you be following this account. but we have established this account must go unnoticed.

WZ @theroommatedilema . April 5 fine. general ages = smart aleck is in his 20s. hot chef is in his 30s. and because you for some reason all want to know: i am also in my 20s.

WZ @theroommatedilema . April 5 pets = yes one. smart aleck has a pet cat named goat he inherited from a past roommate. goat the cat tries to eat anything and everything, thus the name. she particularly likes to eat house plants. she likes smart aleck the least, hot chef the most. i hold a pretty solid 2nd place.

WZ @theroommatedilema . April 6 update: they made up. a package arrived today and it was apparently a pan to replace one smart aleck had destroyed. hot chef made smart aleck’s favorite dinner. SA talked the whole way through to meal, and HC looked smitten. so we’re back to normal.

WZ @theroommatedilema . April 10 where do we rank the level of domestic where one person brushes their teeth/gets ready for the day while the other is in the shower? bonus points for some mild discussion and/or bickering.

WZ @theroommatedilema . April 11 smart aleck has a new scheme. he is trying to persuade hot chef to teach him to cook. so far HC has held firm. we mark day one of this new standoff.

WZ @theroommatedilema . April 12 i’ve been asked a few times why i don’t just use initials of smart aleck and hot chef’s names. it’s all part of keeping this hidden. i have also chosen nicknames that i don’t think they would think i’d use for them.

WZ @theroommatedilema . April 12 smart aleck is the type to figure this out if i’m not careful. he’s both too clever and too dumb for his own good. which is part of the reason i must document all of this, so i can shove it in his face later.

WZ @theroommatedilema . April 12 we are also on day two of cooking teaching standoff. i think some of you rightly assume SA is imagining hot chef standing behind him and idk helping him cut vegetables

WZ @theroommatedilema . April 13 standoff continues. i made dinner to see if that would throw the balance off. no change yet

WZ @theroommatedilema . April 14 resolution! hot chef did give in, on the condition that he teaches both of us. i didn’t manage to escape because smart aleck seemed to decide this was the only way. don’t know how this fits into whatever romantic daydreams he had.

WZ @theroommatedilema . April 14 i see those comments that this might give me a chance to put them together. but i think it is more fun to not help them at all. they need to do this on their own

WZ @theroommatedilema . April 15 to do such teaching, a grocery shopping mission is needed. because the world is... well. i suggested just they go together so fine. maybe i will try and assist.

WZ @theroommatedilema . April 15 level of domestic of sneaking things you know your “just friends roommate” loves but won’t buy for themselves in the cart without them knowing?

WZ @theroommatedilema . April 15 you ask how i know that and it is of course because smart aleck, so proud of himself, announced it as soon as he reentered the apartment. goat the cat tried to get into the bags to eat raw fish while this occurred.

WZ @theroommatedilema . April 16 first cooking lesson, some simple stir fry. i already can cook this so i get to just perch at the counter and watch. vote on the poll below how you think this will turn out

[hands brushing softly] [sparks, and not the sexy kind] [food hopefully?]

WZ @theroommatedilema . April 16 everyone who voted for fire won. the neighbors are quite upset. and not even goat the cat will eat the final product. i ordered take out and a fresh fire extinguisher while they dealt with the mild fire and smoke detector.

WZ @theroommatedilema . April 17 smart aleck is pouting so there will be no cooking lessons today. the good news (for his employer) is he seems to actually be focusing on doing his job.

WZ @theroommatedilema . April 20 hot chef actually asked smart aleck if he wanted to try cooking again. very interesting. this has mostly been coming from SA’s side, so i would call this positive movement.

WZ @theroommatedilema . April 20 SA has completely perked up and agreed.

WZ @theroommatedilema . April 20 oh apparently the plan is SA will watch and i get the place as the student in the kitchen. this is probably safer for everyone

WZ @theroommatedilema . April 21 for those asking what happen: dinner was made with no issue. I was in charge of the main dish and that left HC to work on side dishes. SA even helped wash and chop some vegetables. goat took some chicken right off SA’s plate and ran away with it growling.

WZ @theroommatedilema . April 21 i take that to mean the cat approves of my cooking. but she also tried to steal things from the trash, so that isn’t much of an endorsement.

WZ @theroommatedilema . April 22 SA is avoiding work and trying to clean again. he actually asked if he could move stuff around. growth.

WZ @theroommatedilema . April 25 hot chef spotted leaving smart aleck’s room this morning?

WZ @theroommatedilema . April 25 false alarm, he was just looking for the cat.

WZ @theroommatedilema . April 30 final report for this month: progress made in communication. new together activity established. the apartment has not burned down. a baby step closer, yet still so far away from them figuring this out...

[fizzingwizard]

Alright and now for episode 23! Which was a lot more interesting. Still lacking in pertinent ways but at least it got some stuff moving, and there were a few small but very nice character moments.

I took a LOT of Taichi spam this week you guys. The animation was slightly better than normal and my boy was just so good.

At parkour. He’s good at parkour.

More below!

We pick up where we left off last week, with Devimon arriving in his true form and picking a fight over Poyomon. He’s so threatened by a wad of jelly.

He does seem a bit weird though. More on that later.

The quintessential Taichi picture.

And just a cute one.

So okay, Devimon makes mincemeat of MetalGreymon and WereGarurumon. Like he wipes the floor with them. Even though they should be a level above him. I was like what’s going on. Clearly dark powers are giving him extra strength, but this still seemed like too much...

Yamato yells for Takeru to go hide. Taichi then yells for Yamato to go hide xD However Devimon has no trouble destroying all their possible hiding spots and attacking them.

Takeru worries about his brother :’<

Taichi quickly tries to think of a strategy but yup “Hide” is all he can come up with.

They communicate via digivice and Yamato has something of a better strategy but... it still just amounts to hiding.

Meanwhile their partners continue to get their butts kicked.

MetalGreymon: Hey watch it I just got this painted!

WereGaurumon: My nails! I just had them done!

Taichi: Would you two stop fussing, you’re so vain!

Taichi: We’ve got more important things to worry about! Like my hair!

Meanwhile in the real world... the four are together and Koushirou updates Jou and Mimi on the situation, which boils down to Not Good. The tank ships are still on a collision course. On top of that, Koushirou notices that the data being absorbed by Calmaramon’s... idk what to call it, data collection tower? thing, is being sent directly to the digital world. He guesses it’s going to be used to power the creature whose name I forgot they fought before.

This guy.

Koushirou also guesses this probably means Taichi and Yamato are in some deep shit rn.

Taichi is pretty smart too... he’s able to tell that Devimon is able to manipulate the dark mists and that’s how he’s able to find their hiding spots and attack them so easily.

Here’s the evil crystal that I would have thought was from Sailor Moon. Ahhh evil is so beautiful. And purple. Hmmm, the Crest of Knowledge is also purple, and absorption of data is converted to power.... GUYS KOUSHIROU’S GOING TO GO DARK.

Kidding, kidding. I would totally watch it though.

So the others go to fight Calmaramon and destroy the tower to help Taichi and Yamato. But, uh, they didn’t count on Calamaramon’s tentaclesx ;D

Kabuterimon makes the classic amateur mistake of DRAMATICALLY ANNOUNCING HIMSELF when he swerves in to rescue the girls...

... and he gets his just desserts. :P

Meanwhile Taichi and Yamato... are still losing. So who steps up to the plate but...

Takeru and Poyomon! Lol!

No seriously, this scene SCREAMED of the one in 99 where Hikari sacrifices herself to protect Yamato and Sora. I was really expecting Takeru to do the same thing here. “Leave my brother alone! Take me instead!”

But, I guess, since he’s a boy, he’s less self-sacrificial and more just... irrationally strong...

His conviction results in evolution!

Poyomon becomes Tokomon! THANK GOODNESS. I could not handle another “poyo, poyo!”

Devimon takes one look at this pink-cheeked thing and FREEEEEEAKS OUUUUUT.

“You remind me... of someone I once knew... you have... the same eyes... GRRRRRRRRR!!!!”

he didn’t say that but he totally should have lol. Now someone please make an edit of Angemon where he takes off his helmet and he has Tokomon eyes underneath x’D

Data readings on Koushirou’s computer start going haywire! The data is being sent somewhere fast!

I was expecting some kind of power up but I wasn’t expecting full on evolution. Because yup. That’s what goes down. Devimon evolves.

And here’s where he gets weird. His evolution seems painful. Unnatural. He doesn’t seem exactly pleased with it, to be frank. He’s really agitated by Tokomon but he doesn’t do much in the way of monologuing and it’s not even clear that the evolution is by his own design. It just kind of seems to happen. Then, once he does evolve, he’s much less talkative. This is generally not the sign of sanity or even sentience. It’s like Devimon is imprisoned by his evolution, which goes on a rampage.

Neodevimon. Actually, original Devimon is scarier but :P

Lol and then Tokomon gets blown out of Takeru’s arms and goes for a tumble while Takeru runs frantically after him xD Great moment.

Rollin rollin rollin, though the streams are swollen...

NeoDevimon is very powerful but y’know... WereGarurumon just STOOD there. This... this is totally his fault that he gets hurt here x’D

Taichi is displeased with this development, and yet, still cute in his displeasure.

Finally Koushirou manages to get through! Taichi is too preoccupied to jump for joy or anything but you can see that he’s excited. “Koushirouuuuu please save us!!!” basically that’s what’s going on

However he’s right away blown over and his digivice scatters and the signal drops...

Yamato is very Stressed.

However, contact with Koushirou has rejuvenated Taichi.

LIKE THE PHOENIX HE RISES FROM THE ASHES

Taichi: “FUCK THIS SHIIIIIIIIIT!”

His renewed conviction becomes power. Yeah, that’s a thing, we know.

Meanwhile, in the human world, the others have worked out that Taichi and Yamato are fighting and need help, and they combine the powers of their own passionate hearts in a classic shonen anime trope.

Koushirou gets a special moment all to himself! It’s really fast but still, the episode makes a point of focusing on Koushirou’s desire to connect with his friends and help them. I choose to believe this a nod to Koushirou’s significant role in the show and a way of saying “Sorry they’re not all together right now but they will be soon and characters other than Taichi and Yamato will get to do cool things in the not so distant future!”

Their partners are then able to defeat Calmaramon and destroy the data collection tower.

BOOM, baby.

Meanwhile our heroes who never sleep manage to defeat Devimon. Which, I figured, meant he’d retreat for now, but...

He freaking dies! Yup, that’s right! Disintegrates!! I was like what the heck?? This was a Boss Battle???? It had none of the signs of being a boss battle other than the boss being present and it wasn’t even that hard...

However, it’s not over till it’s over...

... Tokomon looks on NeoDevimon’s death kind of creepily. Like, the episode makes a point of showing us Tokomon’s reaction, not just the group’s. So... I feel like this is gonna be relevant. I COULD BE WRONG. But I just personally wouldn’t stick this bit in without it meaning something. But that something could be pretty much anything so we still don’t know much.

The sailors aboard the tankers whose control systems are restored at the last second are pretty darn relieved anyway.

This was my favorite moment in epiosde, Mimi flinging herself over Koushirou and knocking Jou out of the way to hug Sora in her enthusiasm over their victory xD awww Mimi

Yamato wants to know what’s with Taichi. Taichi’s like, “The others helped us from afar, I just know it...” AND THAT’S WHY HE’S BEST BOY.

Yamato gives Takeru an adorable pat on the head and tells him good job. Only thing that could have made this moment cuter would have been if he also patted Tokomon’s head. BECAUSE HELLO. KID JUST EVOLVED. SAY HI AND TELL HIM YOUR NAMES AT LEAST.

But then! Darknightmon uses the dark crystal thingy and...!

Le gasp! NeoDevimon’s corpse emerges from the ground...

Taichi has a flashback to another time they thought they won only for their defeated opponent to be infused with dark energy and resurrect...

... uh I forgot this guy’s name too >_>

Taichi: “Wow I never saw this coming!”

Well, I did. :P Due to being over ten years old...

We end with NeoDevimon’s mask cracking off!

Creepy!

Final thoughts... it now kind of looks like Darknightmon is the one pulling Devimon’s strings rather than the other way around. But my guess is that’s not the case. It could also be that Devimon told Darknightmon to do this - after all, Devimon used the stone’s power to evolve Darknightmon before, and this is just the reverse of that. Or it could be they are equals and in cahoots with each other. I definitely think there’s an even greater, bigger Bad out there that they either work for or are afraid of etc something like that, I think we probably all feel sure of that at least. But Devimon in this episode really surprised me in the ways he seems to lack agency. He seemed like a pawn of evil rather than the chessmaster himself.

So next week! Looks lit!

Devimon’s new evolution? or power up? whatever is creepier than NeoDevimon so that’s a relief.

BUT THIS IS EVEN CREEPIER HOLY CRAP TAICHI! Get some sleep, your eyes are all red! (And he’s injured. His hand is where he got hurt two weeks ago fighting Splashmon right? He got hit with miasma. I wonder if this is the same wound and if it’s somehow controlling him due to the dark energy getting into his system... But everyone’s more or less been hit with the dark energy at this point so maybe not. Anyway, CREEPY EYES, CREEPY CREEPY EYES.)

Also Yamato DIES. He DIES y’all. *funeral march plays* Hmm, Tokomon looks hungry...

Then we got this bit which in case you can’t tell is Takeru being awesome. So I figured, ahh, THIS is the boss battle, and we’re gonna see Angemon again already... weird as that sounds :P

HOW-E-VER

We also get this???? Taichi silhouetted against a brilliant light????? What does it mean? I mean we know Takeru has healing powers so I’m fully expecting that to happen but uhh are we also going to canonize Taichi next week? lol. Saint Taichi. I love him the best but I will be a bit miffed if next week IS the big boss battle and Takeru’s role is “power up Taichi so he can kill it” and that’s it... But I guess we’ll have to see.

It does rather look like they saved the animation budget for next week, the preview was nuts x’D Can’t wait.

[improbus-ille-saevus]

Post #1: Relationship Patterns

okay im gonna annoy you a bit further so i completely get it if you hate my guts but i need to get this off my chest. obv ur not my friend or therapist or anything like that and you dont owe me anything, its just something i feel like i need to ask someone because i really need an answer.

something about me seems to seriously exhaust people and i cant figure out what. ik i sound really naive and stupid for not noticing something that apparently so obvious about myself but i seriously cant see it. maybe its my persistence and inability to let go of things/certain topics?? idk im in the right ball park but still really far away from figuring out the actual definite thing,,if that even exists,,theres something about me that makes it difficult to talk and i wish i could stop. this has happened time and time again and again and again with multiple different people over and over and over again. first impressions are neutral or good -> we get closer, things get better -> this disgusting part of my personality rears its ugly head and ruins the relationship. idk whats wrong with me in the first place so how am i supposed to fix it?

im not even talking about the whole "hating the world and hurting other people" thing because thats separate and very much a joke even if you dont believe me. im moreso talking about how the flow of that conversation went.

ur prob wondering why im asking this from you of all people when we dont really know each other that well at all but the thing is, when relationships end, people really just want to be over with it asap and move on so you never really get a chance to just like sit down with the person and like have a proper discussion about the relationship; what went wrong, who did what, what couldve been done better by which person etc... you just never get to review and reflect on everything that happened bc you just dont care for each other anymore.  and since that conversation never happens, neither person *explicitly* learns from the relationship. everything is just inferred from the reactions of the other person, "oh when i did this, they seemed to like it so i should do more of that in my next relationship" and obviously this is a shit method of improving yourself because you're operating off of unreliable data.

And that is exactly why im asking you, selfish as it may be.

something about the way i talk really irks people and i need to know what it is so i can stop doing it. a long time i ago i thought it was because i made a lot of self deprecating jokes and that started making people uncomfortable. i never really understood why bc a lot of other people made the same type of jokes but no one ever had any problem with that. (when i tried to have this "Reflection" conversation with those friends they mentioned that it was only uncomfortable when i did it bc they knew i was being somewhat serious,,but isnt all humour based in reality to some degree anyways,,idk). and now im seeing the same thing reprising now, where i make a joke similar in vain of what amy says but for some reason its only weird when i do it,,,and i dont know why. anyways, to fix this whole low-self-esteem joke thing, i decided to go in the opposite direction, i'll be so overly (and obviously) egotistical and proud that it'll put everyone around me at ease because who doesnt love confidence right? clearly, as you pointed out,,,still does not work (for me). because now instead of coming off as small and pathetic i come off as big and arrogant. this puzzles me yet again because it seems to work for girls really well; when you know ur conventionally attractive and youre confident in yourself and you say you are the most important thing in the world (regardless of weather you genuinely believe it with your heart or not), it just works and everything is fine. why didnt it work out for me though? did i do something wrong? i still don't get it.

in the aforementioned previous reflection conversations people mentioned that my straightforwardness and open willingness to talk about unconventional topics (sex, human behaviour, feelings, etc...) put them off at first and made them really uncomfortable but over time they came to expect it from me and it wasn't that bad. I don't know what to do with this information,,is this quality about me a good thing or a bad thing and should i change it? an impossible question for you to answer yet i ask it regardless. I feel like I'm not a particularly funny person even when people tell me otherwise so i tend to default to these super serious topics which i've noticed really brings down the energy of the room and i feel super shitty for doing it but idk what it is about me that does it so idk how to fix it. even when talking about lighthearted topics it just doesnt feel authentic and i mess it consistently. i dont want people to always be serious around me but thats the type of environment i end up creating.. im not even sure if this is something that needs to be fixed,,?

I'm stuck between wanting to change myself to be a better person and staying true to who i am,,,whoever that is.

anyways, i went from hating myself too much to -> loving myself too much -> and now we're in the hating the world phase. to reiterate these are all just failed attempts at humour where i seem to keep missing the mark. again, ive other people do this style so much better than me and they make it work yet my hollow imitations cannot compare. they dont hold the same weight and despite the over-the-top absurdity, it garners criticism and distaste (as exhibited by you and everyone else there). so,,what did i do wrong? how can i fix it? these two questions weigh on my mind on every relationship that ends against my will (mutual ones too ig, bc in that case i genuinely want the other person to be better as well but i digress).

throughout all of these phases however, one thing has always prevailed and thats been the fact that i constantly self-sabatoge myself by making me, or my character, the butt of the joke (maybe this is the key, the answer to what ive been searching for, im not sure). you saw it today, there was the nurse thing, and countless other examples. i put myself in a demeaning/embarrassing position because it makes people laugh! and it brings up the energy which as i mentioned has been one of my major goals. yea it might not be the most conventional way to do it but its all i've known and its whats worked for me. is this a bad thing? should i stop it? how would i even go about accomplishing that when its so ingrained in my personality? if i were to remove it who would i become? how would i make people like me?

all of these questions and these *things* i've painted out for you are things that people generally dont think about, but i do. i overthink a fuckton and i've been thinking about this shit for 19 years so i cant just pretend i dont have these thoughts and just be the casual chill dude that everyone gets along with. that person thats the "glue" to every friend group, i envy that person a ton and that has never been me; ive only recently realized i do actually want to be that person but idek how to start on that journey. i cant sit here and pretend i dont care what people think of me, i genuinely didnt care for a long time and that was really attractive to some people but now i do care. and it is exhausting. i care about how i look, how i speak, how i come across, i care very much about how i talk, the things i talk about and other's perception of me. im not sure i care about this to an unhealthy degree but i've decided that i do in fact care now. thats why im here i guess. i wouldnt be asking if i didnt care.

but maybe i care too much? as you can probably guess by now, all my relationships (btw when i use this term i refer to SO's, friends, and just generally people who arent aquaintences in my life) have been relatively short. i dont have any childhood friends, i have moved around quite a bit, and ive just been in that cycle i mentioned for the majority of my life. maybe my inexperience with long-term relationships contributes to this but obviously i do not know what i dont know. anyways, since i move from one relationship to the next sequentially, with about a handful of relationships at a time, i tend to hold onto them very tightly. you might think this odd since most kids who moved often eventually developed thick skin and placed a certain degree of emotional distance from even their closest humans because they feel like at some point it could all be ripped away from them. this is normal. this is what most people did. i did not. for some godforsaken reason i went the opposite way. instead of emotionally distancing myself, i go into each relationship headfirst with open arms and nothing to hold back (now ur starting to see why i overshare so much). i know i'm going to turn them off, i know im going to get hurt, but i do it anyways bc that connection is a high. having someone who truly understands you on such a foundational level is fucking intoxicating, and once that relationship is taken away from me, i must search fervorously for the next one. this *blind rage* of sorts obviously sours things and destroys the precautions i had in place to not repeat my patterns but i guess i just can't help myself. anyways, once the initial surge wanes and the rose-tinted glasses come off the relationship stagnates and it is my fault and i dont know what to do. as you can probably guess by now im  *bit* dramatic with my life; so what do we do in dramas when things get stale? we start some ACTION! i will be spontaneous and do/say weird things or try and push the relationship further by getting to know them on an even deeper level;;;;i'll do anything to convince them (and i guess myself?) that i am not boring. sometimes it works well and they reciprocate and it goes really well, or theyre turned off and pull back. thats really unfortunate. now we're at a crossroads, let me walk you down both roads bc this clearly isnt long enough already!

Path 1: they pull back see at this point any reasonable person who would recognize the situation would probably just sit back and let things return to normal and continue the relationship with a safe and healthy boundary. not me. i notice them pulling back and i get fucking terrified. i dont know if its permanent or temporary or what idk it just freaks the fuck out of me. so what do i do? i go even deeper because i dont want to let them go. i dont want to go through the pain of losing another person remember that shit hurts really fucking bad so i will do everything in my power to ensure that this relationship does not end. as you know by now, i dont shy away from these topics that really should be left alone so what do i do? i get confrontational. i ask them what went wrong, what did i do, how can i make it better, how can i make me better etc.... This obviously (to you and other normal people perhaps, not me tho) has the opposite affect and turns them off even more and the relationship ends and my questions stay unanswered yet again.

Path 2: the reciprocate (oh god im doing paths i rlly am an npc :sob: ) omg they reciprocated! this is great! so fantastic! i'm going to keep this person close so they never leave me and hurt me. i'll always have someone who i share that integral bond with and i can never let that go, its so precious i have to protect it, i have to protect them. i get clingy,,,*really really clingy*. this is not a good look. obviously it turns them off. but they love me as much as i love them....or do they? who likes who more? who is more invested in who? who will be more hurt when the relationship ends? the relationship will end at some point, we're not gonna be this close when we're 80,,, i should prepare for that. These thoughts plague my mind. i set everything up so that i am not hurt and appear okay. they text me, i do not respond. on imessege, ig, snap, even tiktok, i ensure that they are the last person who talked so that my monkey brain experiences a false sense of superiority like i was the better one who didnt need them. They reciprocated my love for them and i respond by destroying them [im just now realizing as im writing this that maybe the evil, destroying people thing wasnt a joke after all lmao. maybe it still is; its prob some combination of both]. Anyways, i set everything up to end smoothly so this means i should be able to have my perfect trademarked "Reflection Conversation" right? wrong. at this point, theyre too tired of me, im sick of them. the conversation might happen, it might not. even if it does it isnt satisfactory. they dont put their full effort it, why should they? the relationship is over right? why try? they dont get feedback, they dont give it to me. we continue with our lives doomed to make the same mistakes over and over and over again until someone points it out for us,,or they dont and we're doomed to be the creatures of our own ignorance destined to never truly connect with another human on that *true* level and actually have it fucking last.

Thats why im here. i need someone to point it out for me i think. because i won't magically realize all the ways im fucked up by myself. i understand that its pretty fucking dumb to ask this task from someone like you when even people who loved me weren't able to do it. if you take the time to read this and actually provide guidance for someone who's basically a stranger, I thank you. if not, well i cant really blame you.

thanks, and sorry for pissing you off yet again. im clearly very talented at this so i need to get my ego boost from somewhere

P.S. this ended up being wayyyyyyyy longer than i thought it would sorryy :3 i think once i started writing i just got a bit carried away and just went all out. its a bit messy and all over the place but its from the heart (or lack thereof lol. apologies once again for the length but i hope you do read it.

[vegetablecreamcheese]

why am I so angry and upset? this shouldn’t even bother me. one on my “best friends” barely hangs around, and only when it’s actually beneficial for her, and she complains about not having a super close girl best friend, and how she’s had trouble in the past with girls being mean to her… no. Quite frankly, I think she’s just vain, and a bad friend. like, idk, if you were actually more reliable and if everything wasn’t so about “image” (e.g., staging the perfect IG couple photo etc) more people might want to be around you? And she says that the new friend group of girls she found were mean to her, and she wants back with the “OG Girl Squad”.. Idk, I personally don’t like when I invite you to my birthday party and then you don’t even show up because you had planned a “dinner date night”— fuck you :( you know, I really value the friends that do show up for holidays and things because I don’t have any family. My friends are my homemade family and I feel like everyone is leaving me behind and they don’t care or even notice how alone I am. They can’t even comprehend the things that go on inside my head and I’d honestly rather not have any sympathy at all, and not tell them anything because it’s easier. Another friend of mine was supposed to come hang out Wednesday last week and she didn’t even text me she had work late or anything, seemed to just forget about our plan to hang, and didn’t say anything at all even though the messages are there and saved/ and then she texts me this morning just to ask what a different friend’s birthday is? Girl I didn’t even know the answer off the top of my head but I went and looked it up on Facebook for her. I could’ve easily just said “lol, idk, ask them” but I went out of my way and did the leg work for her bec that’s just the type of person I am. And even though that’s not a big deal, I feel angry and upset. Why did you text me that? You didn’t even ask how my day has been or anything :( / and then the “best friend” who I was talking about earlier, I saw on her Snapchat she’s going out shopping, and is wearing matching dresses with another skinny, blonde girl & they’re having yogurt smoothie fruit bowls !!! Awwww so cute, you guys are sooo pretty and I bet I’m going to see some kind of IG photo shoot later captioned with something like, “Pretty girls & pretty food” ☺️💕 UGHHHH fuck off 🤬 I’m serious though, one of another of her new girlfriends posted a photo of them all out on a girls night captioned “You look prettier when you’re part of a pretty friend group” … makes me sick. And it makes me sick when everything along that’s posted on your feed is repetitively about proving the good person you are, how mental health is important, how you should appreciate everyday. How about maybe going to visit your friend with a broken foot, who has to struggle up and down the stairs to get to her apartment to go do anything? Who also by the way temporarily doesn’t have a car because it had to be towed and she almost died the other night? But I’d rather act like everything’s okay because the sympathy would make me feel sick