#idk if any of this makes sense but I’m unwell about him

[sponsored-by-cornetto]

thinking about lan xichen. how his kindness couldn’t save him. how his kindness couldn’t save the ones he loved. how his kindness betrayed him. how it blinded him. how he was so right about the wrong man. how he was good, but it wasn’t enough.

[themirepirate]

was reading Sherlock holmes and this popped into my head

[hardlypartying]

idk if you have watched much press for s4 but maddie bailey is sending me with her responses to any riara related questions or fan praise…. (i think she’s obviously traumatised from the jiara situation.) anyway bailey made a comment about how kiara couldn’t stand murder let alone someone harming a fly which would make riara totally incompatible - and whilst i agree that’s true i also feel like her character would be the most capable of empathy/forgiveness compared to the other pogues!?!? like she’s so humanistic!!!!

would love your thoughts and a potential kiara deep dive 🫣

This ask is very apropos and you’re gonna need a drink…

I’m with you on the fact that Madison is probably traumatized by the way jiara was blown out of proportion by some fans and how that bled into their dynamics irl. It sucks so much that’s how it went down and I feel for them that they can’t be friends without things being made weird.

That being said, I don’t understand this extreme hatred she has towards Rafe potentially working his way to being a better person— regardless of him being someone who could potentially be with Kiara. Sure, don’t ship them but to say the fans of the ship don’t care about Kiara is… a take.

I 1000% agree with you, I think more so than anyone else Kiara as a character is capable of forgiveness given the opportunity to understand someone. Her heart and passion is what drew me in, she is so empathetic that its sometimes comes at her expense— I think that’s what her parents are terrified about when they see her hanging around the Pogues. Granted, the Pogues we know are genuine guys but her parents don’t know that or care to take the time to get to know them. Kiara did and since has had an unwavering loyalty to them. Her heart is so big and it’s perplexing to me that Madison thinks that there’s a cap on that? I personally don’t get it. I see Rafe as someone deeply troubled and who has never given a chance to get help— he lives with what he did everyday and resents himself for it. He was unwell, but rather than allowing him some grace, we’re what? Bashing him as he’s trying to make amends? Personally I believe that under the right circumstances any single one of the Pogues would’ve done what Rafe did regardless of who was in front of the gun, but their loyalty fits right on them and not on him. Rafe has continually expressed such a complex range of emotions about what he’s done and how he’s managing it— none of it was linear but that makes sense to me. I don’t expect him to have a clear path out of this but fucking hell he’s trying.

What really confuses me about their rhetoric is that they hate the idea of Kiara and Rafe because he’s dangerous, a murderer, psychotic, buzzword buzzword but then they’re happy to ship him with Sofia? Then all of a sudden it’s a cute relationship and he’s found his match. Dpmo. If they really believed Rafe was that dangerous why would they want Sofia, who is completely innocent in all this, to be with someone who has the potential to be violent again 🤨 Bc she’s “changed” him? It’s insipid and hypocritical.

Now for a mini Kie deep dive— at first I didn’t really get why Madison was playing Kiara like that during their scene together. She looked genuinely terrified seeing Rafe and her body language was so telling. And in my mind I’m surprised by her reaction because we’re seeing him heheing it up with Sofia and making business moves like? What are you afraid of? Venture capitalists? Yes. But then I took a moment to think about the state of mind Kiara was in.

I don’t think it was an extreme thing she did to pull out the knife. In her point of view someone just tried to kill her. Drown her no less and who else tried to drown her? Rafe. Her survival instincts were probably shooting through the roof because every time she sees Rafe, it’s never for a good reason. And you got to remember the very last time she saw him was at the beach with the sea turtles… not a good memory. She’s got no reason to trust he’s here out of the kindness of his heart, she doesn’t see/know him like that. All that mixed in with that batshit guy who’s hunting the Pogues down and the fact she’s alone— yeah the knife was a smart move. I think she would’ve done the same if Topper showed up tbh. I’m also proud of Rafe for not freaking out when seeing her hostility lmao, he’s come a long way. Back in the day (s2) if he saw that knife come out, he would’ve escalated the situation and made things worse.

And just to throw my two cents here— Rafe has been dogged this season. Oh my goooooddddd. You’re telling me he’s scattering his dad’s ashes alone, the only Cameron who cares? His dad who he last saw going off to South America with the Pogues? The Pogues who hate Ward and want him gone? And then his dad dies? Right after Rafe finally gets the approval and affection from Ward that he’s always wanted? And no one has given him an explanation of what went down? I’m surprised he hasn’t crashed out on them tbh. That little tiff he had with John B was too polite. In his mind 2+2= the Pogues killed Ward. Sarah and Rafe quite literally carried Ward to the tarmac together and it was all for nothing? No small reconciliation for the sake of Ward’s memory, after all he was their father. And he died for Sarah. It’s crazy to me.

Anyway I’m a spiteful person and the more people hate something the more I lean into it. The cast hating riara is hilarious to me because this ship was born out of nothing and now it’s in their mouths. Wild. I’m just upset that they’re facilitating hate towards people who ship riara, I’m of the mentality that you ship and let ship. Not gonna yuck anyone’s yum!

[rambyol]

What do you think about the fact that John made a therapy group and had one of his freinds (seemingly repeatedly) insult the Bruce doll. I find it wild that Jlhn aka Certified Bruce Wayne Simp let Willy into his group or was even his freind.

Personally i think he was using Willy as a pawn but... idk wdyt?

Oh this was a nice challenge! I get where you’re going. I wasn’t really sure how to structure this one but I hope it’s still worth the read!

Note: I’m a bit unwell at the moment so bear with any punctuation mistakes ( T_T) 🫶

The Purpose of John’s Therapy Group

We don’t know a lot of details about John’s immediate time in the outside world once he was released. All we know is that he was closely associated with Harley who in a way scouted him from Arkham to help with the Pact, and during John’s time on the outside he ‘frequented’ the Stacked Deck. The reason I’m bringing this up is because we need to know ‘Why’ John would make a therapy group. He claims to Bruce that the reason he started the group was so he could share some of the ‘expertise he learned at Arkham’ with them. Now whether he’s being genuine is up for debate.

I believe there are a few ways we could interpret the purpose behind John’s therapy group. Since this scene takes place in the very first episode ‘The Engima’, it plays on our preconceived notions of the Joker. The game tries to get us/Bruce to question John’s intentions, hence the question about whether John would be the type to Kill a man in cold blood, but if we associate John with the typical characteristics of ‘Joker’ the therapy group aspects feels a little more insidious. John was used to having some sense of control when he was in Arkham. He got along with the orderlies and knew the ins and outs of the place as well as being infamous to other inmates. To an extent, John could be trying to emulate that sense of control through this therapy group.

Now I have a billion readings of John’s character from him being a well intentioned but misunderstood dude to a sadistic psychopath but what’s fairly consistent to his character is that sense of control and power he wants over others. These two attributes are what arguably attract him to personalities like Harley and Bruce.

So its not unreasonable to think he would go after vulnerable people like Willy, a man who is a struggling alcoholic, and take advantage of them for his own gain. A detail that is easily overlooked is that John exploits Willy’s alcoholism as a means to get him to participate in the therapy group.

Exploiting Willy’s alcoholism is of course very messed up of John to do since he’s essentially scraping the bottom of the barrel to feel a sense of power and control over someone. So you’re right, he does use Willy as a pawn. (But I’ll get back to that)

Now for the wholesome reason. There is a part of me that believes that there was a well intentioned side to John with this therapy group. John tells Bruce how lost he felt once he no longer had the structure that Arkham provided and it’s possible that he would have wanted to seek out like minded people or at least people in similar predicaments.

If Bruce is kind, compassionate, and gives John the benefit of the doubt, then we see the positive result of that approach with John in the Vigilante route.

During the Boss fight with Bane in this route, Bruce is forced to pick between saving Willy or Agent Harrison from Bane. Here’s Jokers reaction when Willy dies:

Compare this emotional response to Villain Joker’s apathy when he shoots one of his own goons through the head. It’s evident that Vigilante Joker had empathy for him, at least enough for him to be upset by Willy’s death, even if for a moment.

Edit Note: To add, If Batman hesitates and doesn’t save either of the men. Joker uses his grapple to save Willy.

(also here’s ⬆️ Joker urging his team to get away because things were getting dangerous)

It’s worth noting that the existence of Joker’s team, consisting of Willy, Frank, and Lauren, all three of whom he encountered at the Stacked Deck, suggest that his time at that Bar was spent making a relatively genuine connection with these people which is reinforced when we see how loyal all three of them were to John/Joker.

That loyalty could stem from the fact that Joker gave them a purpose by utilising their skills that otherwise went neglected due to their afflictions— Just look at what Commissioner Gordon shares with Batman about Willy’s past;

“Machinist by trade. With a…storied employment history. He’s been fired from every factory and chemical plant in Gotham. Has a drinking problem, apparently.”

Despite this picture we get of Willy, Batman describes the work he put into crafting Joker’s custom batarang as “remarkable craftsmanship”. A clear sign that he’s a competent person when given the chance to prove himself (via Joker here), and if someone like Willy had been extended a helping hand with his problems earlier instead of thrown out by society and neglected then he’d be in a better position.

These people, like John, were outcasted by society, but have now banded together under a common cause, which is, to get back at Institutions/Authority groups like the Agency, one that preys on vulnerable people like them, for the harm they do. In this sense, I completely understand why John would associate with the guy.

Funnily enough, even in the Villain route, it’s assumed that Joker still kept Willy around as he’s the clown guy that introduces Villain Joker at the start of the episode and he survives the virus bomb since he was supplied a gas mask. Unlike the other henchman who gets his mask torn off by Harley so in both routes Willy does have a valuable part to play in Joker’s plan.

Messing with Bruce

Now I watched this part back a few times and the reason for this really depends on whether or not Bruce places a tracker on John. For this post I’m going with the option where he does track Johns location because there’s more to work with there since we can then assume that John could’ve planned ahead for Bruce’s arrival and set up the therapy circle so that the two things would inevitably coincide.

Why would John do that? Because it was a way to mess with Bruce. Something John does throughout the game.

It’s revealed by John that he’d speculated for some time that Bruce and Batman were the same person and when we consider John from S1 where he heavily implies that he practically knows the man’s identity as the vigilante then what we have here is another example of Johns latent sadism, except it’s enacted through an emotional/psychological sense.

This is Bruce’s reaction as soon as he enters the Stacked Deck and hears Willy yell “Batman!”, it clearly throws him off for a second. If we go back to ideas about power and control, this is arguably the one small sense of ‘power’ John has over Bruce. He would never of course out Bruce but he knows it makes the man nervous and we know this because one of Bruce’s responses to John’s accusation/reveal at the Funhouse in Ep4 is to immediately get defensive and assume he’s about to be blackmailed.

This emotional and psychological game that John plays with Bruce appears again when they’re at Cafe Triste. Maybe it’s just me but there’s a slight emphasis on the word ‘bat’ in Anthony’s delivery. Clearly implying the connection between Bruce and Batman there.

So to answer that last question, yes he was definitely using Willy in that scene as a way to mess with Bruce. On the whole however I personally think Willy’s role far outweighs a pawn and that there’s definitely a more significant aspect to the character.

[florallylly]

side b: steve harrington

side a side a: eddie munson

side b

explanation post

FORGET THE FORMATTING!!! PLS BE QUIET!!! anyways into steve harrington. his playlist is SAUR bubblegum lesbian pop. and tbh i really tried to kind of blend new/old in side a with eddie and make it smth MAYBE he would listen to? but steve, i automatically pegged him as 80s pop and lesbian music like. you probably listen to bruce springsteen but in my heart u know who rina sawayama is. anyways yes steve harrington coping through partying and then falling in lurv.

YES he admits it as soon as it happens bc he's emotionally intelligent and he knows himself thank u for coming to my ted talk

“Perfect Places” Lorde; “Have another drink, get lost in us/this is how we get notorious” “Every night, I live and die/meet somebody, take ‘em home” YEAH…. steve harrington coping post season-2 and stancy break up by  partying and drinking and sleeping around. like i see it…. i was there and it’s so. desperation to find peace and eventually settling for oblivion bc nothing is better than everything 

“Heaven/Hell” CHVRCHES; this song is so steve harrington to me i can’t even describe…. like it’s so disillusionment with his former sense of self and what he used to attach importance to. and he feels like a fraud and also an imposter, surrounded by people who he’s outgrown. and somehow it also feels like no one has truly realized that vital shift. it’s SAUR “is it right if i’m a perfect actress/playing the princess in distress?” “is it alright if i save myself and/if i clean up my own mess” IDK. why is that so steve to me. 

“Stand Back” Stevie Nicks; like LIKE this song is so everyone wants me except for you/you’re the only one i want. idk…. steve harrington this is so you to me. he is so pining he is so what if he is so i built our future in my head and now everything is crumbling down around me. you have changed me so deeply that i can never go back to the same person i was before i met you. and the world around me stays stagnant and stuck in time, with me out like a sore thumb. like i’m sobbing crying frothing at the mouth…. 

“Head Over Heels/Broken” Tears for Fears; a classic… a classic… but also like a little mashup moment to make it narratively appropriate in my head. also the applause at the end is giving the curtains are down the performance is over… king steve lays down his crown… AM I INSANE IN THIS MOMENT… 

“Honey Understand” Noso; to me this is a little bit of a moment like if i’m misinterpreting this song wrong SO embarrassing. but literally?? i think it’s so steve… bc it’s like in any break up it’s always going to be him at fault because he’s the ladies man and the popular jerk. he’s always going to be made out to be a villain in certain people’s eyes. like what am i even saying but you get it right… and it’s like how can i even keep fighting when i’m already crumbling apart. but also you’ll never know bc i’ll never let anyone know how bad it is … i’m unwell 

“Deliverance” CHVRCHES; i think this is actually about religion (maybe?) but i’m thinking of it as more of a general framework or life view that steve held before the upside down. he’s had to rethink what’s important and what matters like fr…. and now that he’s spending more time with eddie and realizing things about… naur it’s like this moment is his watershed moment and he’s being set free of smth like… his king steve persona?? his guilt over barb?? any other head canon ??? or maybe it’s like his fucked up coping viewed as something that’s bringing him back to his “normal” self… like back 2 parties back 2 alcoholism 

“Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight” ABBA; like YEAH of course this song is on here. and it’s so hello steve harrington are you on the prowl are you looking for something so you can actually feel something

“Take Me Home Tonight” Eddie Money; pretty self explanatory like… steve harrington you are turning to sex to distract yourself and chasing the way you felt before. also in comparison to gimme gimme gimme, this is a more self aware reflection like. post nut clarity. but also in my head this is steve harrington meeting with eddie munson s2 and making the impulsive decision to follow him literally anywhere, kick starting everything that follows. 

“Yours” Now, Now; attraction bantering cockiness like it’s all there like it’s everything… it’s everything…. 

“Untouched” The Veronicas, I DON’T CARE IF IT DOESN’T FIT … this song is so important to me and it’s saur…. steve harrington you are getting attached steve harrington you are falling in love. to be clear this is before they get together or do anything like…. this is the pining this is the wanting 

“Don’t You Want Me” The Human League; so basically added for vibes, didn’t pay much attention to the lyrics and meaning. IT’S JUST SO …. 80s pop and 80s pop is so steve. HOWEVER i feel like i can use this as my little soap box bc “you were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar… turned you int someone new/now five years later on, you’ve got the world at your feet” is saur nancy and “the five years we have had have been such good at times, I still love you/ but now, i think it’s time i lived my life on my own” is SAUR steve. like nancy wheeler in s4 reflecting on steve’s changes and the fandom’s reflection of pushing this narrative that nancy was the main reason and the greatest influence on steve’s change. my pet peeve…. let’s not forget the trauma he went through that could have shook his entire worldview. also ??? he’s a big boy with his own thoughts let him have a little ponder. i would add more but i’m not capable of totally explaining this at all JUST !!! ugh but yeah steve harrington you are attracted to eddie munson song

“Forever Tonight” Kelechi; “love me like there’s no tomorrow/kiss me like we’re out of time” DO I EVEN NEED TO SAY ANYTHING??? I AM IN REAL PAIN!!! 

“I Was Made For Lovin’ You” KISS; KEYSTONE SONG. yes they fucked yes they fucked. and OKAY idc if it’s cheesy YOU try to fit in a semi-metal song into your 80s/lesbian pop playlist

“Lay All Your Love On Me” ABBA; OMG …. it is so necessary. that is all. LIKE SO NEEDED. 

“Hungry Eyes” Eric Carmen; it’s literally from dirty dancing like what else can i say… steve harrington is having his little romcom moment. honestly he’s practically one of the brat pack. he’s LIVING it he’s living it

“Keep on Loving You” REO Speedwagon; okay they were killing on anniversaries i just know it. like this is so my parent’s wedding. it’s so puffed sleeve dresses and slow dancing at prom and steve is a ROMANTIC. steve is a ROMANTIC in a small midwest town like. where was his prom king moment 

“Seven Wonders” Fleetwood Mac; lowkey a filler song but yes can anything compare to the beauty of this moment something very romantic. this is on the mixtape for sure 

“(Don’t Fear) The Reaper” Blue Oyster Cult; ONCE AGAIN I KNOW IT DOESNT FIT THAT WELL… but this is a keystone song… a metal song forcefully inserted into the playlist. this is supposed to mark the point where steve falls in love love. but what i got from the song is basically like. we’re going to die anyways let’s just fall in love. i’m sure that’s way simplistic but vibe… 

“Horses” Maggie Rogers; sorry I’m…. gay….? and it’s like it’s like it’s like i wanna be free i wanna be free with you do you wanna be free with me. in a more romantic and AHHHH way but like how do i even begin to try and describe how this song makes me feel like… unreal. but it’s also like a little stop for steve to doubt and think about what he’s feeling and deciding to do ??? idk where i was going with that. but yes my little interlude for pondering

“Black Butterflies and Deja Vu (Acoustic)” The Maine; keystone song keystone song. when steve admits he is in lurv of course. chose the acoustic version bc i feel like it fits better and also i think it’s more of a soft realization for steve rather than the absolute car wreck that is eddie. please understand my thoughts immediately 

[starry-lemonaid]

Hiiiii so this ended up so so much longer than I meant it to and I didn’t even write most of them 😭 Sorry im physically unwell about your au lol. Some are definitely only your au specific others are really any teenager au :>>>>>

Team Bolas would carry around a tamagotchi and pass it off every so often. Rn Carre has it >:3

Since you have it canonized that Pac and Mike are neighbors in this, and in canon they were in an orphanage: Adopted and fostercare pac and Mike. (Pac eventually adopted by his foster dad and mom — who happens to be pals with Cellbit’s mom — and Mike still in foster care, but more in a permanent sense)

Like. Have you seen Alexa and Katie? That’s how I picture the two of them with being neighbors. 

Team Bolas will go to roller skating rinks with the sluttiest and most fabulous outfits known to man

I don’t know the status of Skeppy in this story but he’s the kid that everyone on the team (soulfire) knows about without ever having actually met him because of Bbh

Like in canon, Carre almost never talks in the gc (despite being present a ton of the time), but when he does it’s a fucking *hit* (aka he’s amazing) (aka holding out for a Carre mention in either fic /j /lh /t)

One time all of Bolas’ spirit days for their respective schools lined up and they all collaborated to wear gas masks. They do this for Halloween too. 

(I’m a scare actor) Team Bolas goes to Haunted Attractions together every Autumn and each of them are little babies about it in different ways (I have ideas about what types of customers they’d be for the scare actors omg)  

In the Bolas Minecraft server they have builds that relate to Jrwi and Ordem Paranormal (like Cellbit’s castle in canon) (I have no idea how that’d work with Bagi) 

BBQ’s with Foolish and his big family just. Are chaos incarnate 

Slime and Baghera once got really really into karaoke at a hotel and got a noise complaint 

Somewhere in his lore: Child actor slime who used to work with Niki (as well as a buncha other people). The two of them got extremely screwed over by the company — Showfall. (Like, them exploiting Slime’s hypermobility to the point where it genuinely hurts him, or scaring Niki with gunshots just because she’d sit there and take it so’s not to ruin her “nice” cover with skating) (genloss)

I’m still not quite over BAGI AND MIKE being the two to see Cellbit and PAC first after their fight. The two people who care the most about them being the ones to see each other bloody and sobbing and Jesus Christ. Not really a headcanon but. Omg. Trauma? 

TW PARANOIA: Cellbit gets really really bad psychosis and paranoia sometimes that his friends have learned to help him down out of (you’ve written him so so ocd. It’s lovely — not for him, but for us) 

Bpd q!cellbit 🤝 Bipolar q!Pac (in your au) (someday I’ll go into depth about this. That day it’s over for the rest of y’all)

Adore that Tazercraft prankwarring each other is canon in at least one of your series’ fics. I don’t know how their mind link would translate in this buttttttt I think it fits them very well

I also think they’d have a little collection of crap they’ve stolen from different rinks they’ve traveled to 

The seven of bolas have matching friendship bracelets 

(Sorry most of these are just Tazercraft and Bolas. I’m so insanely unwell about them in your au) 

i’m literally right about to go to bed so i apologize if this isn’t coherent but i love all of these so much!

-in thr chat fic Bolas actually has smth like that! it’s name is iris (like their creature from purgatory) and you’re correct in the fact rn carre has it in the irl fic! :D

-that’s how i imagine it to be in the chat fic au! idk how it translates into irl one but in my mind it’s a similar situation!!

-you’re so right for this actually i will be drawing this

-skeppy lore! he’s a hockey skater at the soul fire rink :) i might make a one shot about him and bad soon :)

-THERES A CARRE MENTION IN THE NEXT TO CHAPTERS I SWEAR (/lh)

-i see your head cannon and raise you: they made their own gas masks one year out of monster cans because Phil raised the point if “our actual ones risk breaking if we wear them to school” (i made my own bolas mask out of monster cans lmaooo)

-(that’s so cool omg?) the way i would read the hell outta that- (i’m such baby when it comes to those things so i’ve never actually gone but i’ve always wanted to participate in it)

-BOLAS MINECRAFT SERVER!!! IRONICALLY THATS CANNON!!!!

-Foolish and Phil’s families at fourth of july BBQs? the fireworks are crazy

-lmao i almost put that in the 10th chapter and then didn’t 😭

-I FORGOT ABOUT GENLOSS LORE OMG *notes that down to use later*

:P no regerts (i had to tone it down when i was writing it )

i feel like the fact i’ve written him ocd when i wrote him similar to me says smth…(my psychiatrist said i have ocd tendencies lmaoooo)

im so intrigued about this because i didn’t realize they lined up with that- ngl they’re just me if i got to go feral a little more when i was 11

you know those online friends that you message like every sing,e thing about your day to? like you liveblog your life to them? that’s how pac and mike are! :D

its cannon to the irl!!! if not stated otherwise all oneshots are irl universe (i’ll say what chapter it correlates to if it’s a chat fic one) and they absolutely have stolen things- especially cuz for a while people would bring tradables to comp so the two of them absolutely stole each others trandeables when they were younger

THEY DO!!!! they have multiple!!! rn they all have hand made beaded ones that say “BOLAS” on ‘‘em!

(you’re so right tho i love them and i didn’t even write abiut them that much

[weirdo09]

Noirpunk for me is like.An obligatory white x blk ship but unlike Gwen and Miles that at least has a canonical best friendship even if the romance aspects have problems there's licherally nothing to it .'They could fight fascists together!!!'Hobie literally looks like Peter B exactly,does that not weird y'all out???

it is and it bothers me just as much as fanon gwiles n a little bit of canon gwiles (the whole “hey, rio! jeff!” it’s giving disrespectful but only because “oh no, she’s awkward and autistic !!!” like even i’m awkward but i still know to call older people that i just met by mr, ms, mrs or mx until i’m given consent to use their name which she didn’t get and she knows miles’ last name which should get context clues to call his parents by that last name too, autistic people ain’t stupid 💀)

i love their friendship just hate their romantic relationship because to me, there’s no chemistry there. it’s like when the creators of a show start wanting people to ship characters that have been brought up like siblings but idk, that’s just me 🤷🏾‍♀️

like the “they can fight fascist together!!” annoyed me a little bit because it’s like do you even know what fascists are because it doesn’t seem like this cutesy thing that all the couples should be doing .. just sayin …

it just didn’t make any sense to me because ok, hobie and noir, hobie, noir ehhhh no. like they just don’t give me anything maybe like a friendship but not really anything more. they’re just there honestly and the way they be portraying hobie as some sexually creature and noir’s the ‘always blushing’ boyfriend like c’mon now.

it’s just really weird because they do the same thing with gwiles, making the white people so so innocent and the black people in the relationship just have to sexual or making the white people ‘impure’ *flashbacks to that gwiles artist who made art of gwen wearing a very skinty bikini and saying that ‘miles wanted me to wear it’* it grossed me out so bad that i stopped interacting with gwiles shippers n made a space for platonic gwiles i guess really for myself.

idk gwiles and noirpunk just seem like the fandom’s black + white couples that have absolutely no romantic chemistry cause to me.

gwiles seemed be like “miles is fascinated by this spiderwoman whose name is gwen aka gwanda, peter b makes weird jokes about their relationship as if they’re together when they’ve literally only know each other for two days, before miles put the collider in he was like “hey so..” gwen “i’m 15 months older than you, no.” then no communication for a year n some change and miles still has this puppy crush when she literally had no communication w you for a year and after miles seems uninterested in her, gwen is suddenly interested and wants to help miles when the damage is already done when you didn’t tell him his daddy was gonna die because you listened to a man that looks really unwell and mentally unstable that only took you in because jess said so so really, he wasn’t keen to keep you around and only listened because jess saved ya ass, you get hobie’s watch, you go looking for him and then break and enter into his apartment and be all mysterious with his parents who you disrespected the last time you saw them so they ain’t really cool w you but are only because of miles and probably because of rio too because she saw how miles liked you, then you get all these people to help get miles

honestly, it was confusing to me how she went and acted like she didn’t care about him or his issues until he got angry for valid reasons like how you gon come to my universe and not tell me shit cause of this man i ain’t never seen before??? like when i first saw the movie, i was pissed but besides that ..

yea !

[frankenjoly]

i can’t remember which ones you already did for the ship ask game so i’m just gonna send a small assortment and sorry if you get repeats skdjskd how about suegiku, mushiranpoe, tachihigugin, and steincraft?

aw dw in general, and also i've gotten none of these already

suegiku: ship it

What made you ship it?

first their interactions (i love that kinda dynamic, i don't think it's a surprise at that point). then there came the "at least for 5 minutes" moment and i was hooked. like, putting the thing you value the most aside for your partner, if that's not caring i dunno what is.

What are your favorite things about the ship?

tetcho knowing jono more than anyone, including their fucking captain has me so unwell... mostly when we had seen him like "tone it down you're scaring the civilians" then BOOM. and when jono is, in general, the most perceptive out of the two (i mean, basically super senses, but y'know). for all the bickering and silly moments they do sure trust and value each other a lot and *screms* i need them to reunite. i know it's gonna happen, but pls, i need to see it.

Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

it's not strictly about the ship but... idk, i don't like takes of tetcho being super dumb to the point of forgetting key things in a relationship/about jono?

mushiranpoe: ship it

What made you ship it?

ofc it was the perfect crime arc (i say, as if all 3 had interacted in any other arc). like, ranpo was the one mainly interacting with mushi directly but,,, the book,,, and i already liked ranpoe, so it was "what if the 3 of them smooched".

What are your favorite things about the ship?

both ranpo and poe know the whole story with yokomizo, which is very tasty in "making mushi come out of his shell and heal" ways (besides, the fact they're a detective and a writer mhmmmmm).

Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

nothing i think? only that it's so underrated.

tachihigugin: ship it

What made you ship it?

i like tachigin and i like higugin, so the possibility of me considering an ot3 was there and it happened.

What are your favorite things about the ship?

they all have their stuff (i say, as if everyone in bsd didn't), and they all know what's like to be in the mafia so... with time and working stuff out, there's room for very cute stuff and a pretty chill relationship.

Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

i like it, but mostly default to "gin has two hands"/i don't really ship tachi and higuchi separatedly.

steincraft: ship it

What made you ship it?

i know we don't see the full guild together much, but them being paired up through all the arc, with all the room that gives for them to bond.

What are your favorite things about the ship?

dunno, the idea of steinbeck being totally unphased/actually into the eldritch stuff when knowing what lovecraft is it's very tasty. not surprisingly, when he grows vines from his veins, but you get me.

Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

i'm not super big on it (like with bramcraft, for example), but i like it. so none, really.

[illegiblewords]

With a Chameleon post you said “particularly given the history of violence he’s experienced and the implications of sexual abuse.” elaborate plz????? Idk if I’m misinterpreting or not?????

Hey anon, it's been several years since I've been in Spider-Man fandom so I'm going to do the best I can to point you at things with a rusty memory here. Under a cut, CW to anyone passing by that this references sexual assault and child abuse.

Webspinners #10 - #11 both show that Dmitri has crossed wires between violence, sex, and people he looks to for connection. Peter is not a reliable narrator by any stretch. He does however argue what Dmitri is trying to express toward him isn't exactly sexual in nature (despite sending a picture of a nude/Chameleon-masked mannequin to Peter IIRC?) but a consequence of Dmitri being extremely unwell, traumatized, and confused. His relationship with Kraven is explored extensively in Sensational Spider-Man Annual '96 as not being sincere admiration, love, or friendship but an actual realistic depiction of Stockholm Syndrome in the sense that he has to put Kraven first to survive in one piece. All of his efforts to please him tie to not wanting to be abused further and craving a sense of self-worth from the person who most denied it. There is innuendo particularly in the art that frames Dmitri in a vulnerable and exposed position (as in trying to cover skin and visibly distressed) compared to Kraven being positioned in a predatory manner. This is built upon in Spectacular Spider-Man #241-244 where he talks more explicitly about the abuse he's gone through. Kraven has multiple allusions to acts of sexual violence not only in how he interacts with Dmitri (positioning and body language are big, clothing each wears in these situations add to it) but also in how he interacts with Edward Whelan/Vermin in Kraven's Last Hunt. Edward is, explicitly, textually confirmed to be a victim of child molestation himself in Spectacular Spider-Man 178-183. I did analysis of the suspect part of Kraven's Last Hunt here. Kraven has precedent for dark behavior in this context and for what it's worth I don't think it's about attraction at all but a desire to completely dominate and subjugate another person. And unfortunately, the creator N i c k S p e n c e r in one of his titles (I think this was Superior Foes of Spider-Man but unsure) made some pretty fucked up jabs at Dmitri over this point--having him use Kraven's last name instead of his own, reading Fifty Shades of Grey, being shown as into BDSM stuff as a point of mockery with Kraven in mind. So not only was it being framed as him having been molested by his half-brother, it's insinuated by that writer that he liked it. Crapped all over male victims of abuse and people struggling with Stockholm. It's not the first time writers have done this to Dmitri, I strongly recommend against reading Get Kraven. It is not a place of honor, no highly esteemed deed is commemorated there. I think there's more evidence but again, it's been years. I don't know if every creator who added to this was cognizant of what they were implying but some absolutely were, and the complete picture is really horrific. Paul Jenkins I think was the only one who was remotely compassionate to Dmitri and he didn't directly address any of Kraven's abuse at all. The severe physical abuse is not subtext, but text. Dmitri as a child was in the kinds of situations that make news stories because of how horrific his treatment was. The sexual abuse I mentioned for him is implicit/subtext that appears across multiple writers and artists, but I genuinely don't know how much of that was conveyed deliberately. Some of it was. Some may not have been.

[byunfirstlady]

Hello 🐈‍⬛

I’m not gotta lie, this is one of the best wonwoo slowburn fanfic in this hellsite. I wasn’t expecting to enjoy reading this story as much as i did ! During the lecture, you can tell that Kai spent a lot of their time writing this, and the final result is just a piece of art. Usually i don’t really like reading idol!au because a lot of times the story is only about that, call me spoiled but it is really boring when all the stories you can find sadly look the same, that’s why at first i was septic about reading but then, from what i know about this writer is that they really have a talent for surprising you and throw you the unexpected, that’s why i went head first without worrying much about it. And then i spent 2 hours reading it, in my bed, at 1 am, but i couldn’t stop myself, i was really intrigued and pulled in by the storyline and the characters :’) it was a roller coaster of emotions and rolling around in my bed several times lol, just, i really loved the fact that we discovered these main characters in that decor, where they already met before, and they already had something going on. It was a welcoming change of situation, basically we would have expected to follow a character who met the other one, and then starting from step one to the final one, but you changed that so it felt refreshing in a way (for a reader who’ve been reading fics since 2016) fjfjfjf. I don’t know if i’m making any sense, i’m sorry if that’s the case, english is not my first language, and that’s also why i’m not a writer haha !

Anyway, wonwoo’s character was really endearing to me, he’s such a reserved person, but i feel like you wrote him very well and you were able to understand his personality, the one we don’t usually see from him when he’s embracing his idol persona. In that way, we really felt in the story the duality between the first parts of the story where woo and yn were starting to hang out, and when she discovered who he was when she and her sis went to support (unconsciously) his group. I feel like i’m rambling but i really want to highlight this point, the way wonwoo’s character opened up throughout the story.

I felt frustrated with the way yn just let mina talk like that to wonwoo after the incident, like okay mina was thinking she was doing something useful, but i couldn’t imagine but put myself in wonwoo’s shoes, and i really can’t for the life of me forget the guilty feeling of hurting wonwoo 😭😭😭 and that actually how yn felt in that moment so i was so pleased that i related to her l fjfjjfjf I loved the side characters too, and the roles they played in this situation!! ALSO I FORGOT TO TALK ABOUT HANI THE KITTEN ?? like she’s the main reason wonu went to that shelter, and she’s the reason wonu and yn had a crush on each others, she’s the ✨moment✨ i’m kidding but not really, i feel like she played a bigger role than the side characters haha, and it’s really cute how she was consistently present in tho story, from the beginning to the end 🤧 i love cats !!

Ngl, i felt frustrated and unwell during the parts where yn and wonwoo ignored e/o (thank you yn 😒), she was a coward (that i am too, i don’t have the right to judge), but feeling that way about her really show us how stupid sometimes we can act about someone or a situation! but yeah, the moment when they reunited and talked about the issue really lifted that weight from my heart ! But i still feel like yn should have apologized more than what she did, that’s a personal opinion 😭 (maybe bc i’m kinda resentful and if someone just decide to ignore me for a reason idk and then come back like a saint to “apologize” for their behavior, i really would expect a long ass apologize to make me feel better). BUT, that a personal opinion and i don’t judge you in any way Kai!

Can we move on to the smut ? KAI ? are you insane ??? bc you made me crazyyyyyyy, THE WAY THE WONWOO OF THE START COMPLETELY VANISHED BEFORE OUR HEART SHAPED EYES ? i felt attacked, and here again the duality made my head hurt lmao, i can’t stand cute nerd guy being hot and sexy i’m sorry :’) the dirty talk… 🫣 i had to eat the paint out of my walls so i could calm down !!!

I think i’m reaching the end of my feedback ? In summary, it was the best wonu fic, you really made my night better, and i will held this couple near my heart for a long time ❤️ (sorry if there are mistakes, i didn’t check what i was writing)

— meet cute of the century ⟢

the last thing you expected when you volunteered at your city’s local animal shelter is to meet the hottest cat person in the world. now if only he’d just adopt one of them so you’d stop ogling him every time he drops by.

★ FEATURING; wonwoo x reader

★ WORD COUNT; 25.4k words

★ TAGS; meet cute, strangers to lovers, pining, discourse abt being an idol as a career, mild angst, smut

★ NOTES; it's finally done!! and it turned out to be the longest oneshot i've written ever T T i reaaally didn't mean it to become this long but i got overly self-indulgent so here we are :3c also psa that this story features a handful of other characters from the series, so if you find them familiar that's totally on purpose HEH

this is part of the doting on you! series.

★ SMUT TAGS; unprotected sex, service top wonwoo, praise kink, voice kink, first time together, fingering, creampie, ofc they're grossly in love

★ TAGLIST; @cheolhub - @pretty-trustme - @just-here-to-read-01 - @idkmelkro - @dejavernon - @venusrae - @jeonghancvunt - @jyiiscool - @jiniesclub - @junhui-recs - @bldelaine - @fruitzcup - @hoeforhao - @candidupped - @emmmui - @billboard-singer - @caratochan - @novalpha - @dahliatopia - @0717luv - @shiveringgaze - @toruro - @mixling-blog - @coffeestay - @jkbabiey

★ SERIES TAGLIST; @ti--red - @jeonwonhi - @gyusbabydoll - @xiaoting999 - @marksluvr0 - @ohmyhuenings - @downbadreading

P.S. i reserve the right to refuse to add you to my taglist if you don't have any age indicators in your profile :^)

There are a handful of things that a college student can do with their free time. Studying, hanging out with friends, and maybe even picking up a hobby of sorts. You, on the other hand, use up all the hours you’re not spending on your undergrad thesis or sleeping the day away at an animal shelter just a few minutes away from your apartment. 

Your friends constantly wonder how you’re still able to maintain a remarkable GPA with a part-time job that’s starting to look full-time, but you just laugh their questions off for the most part—saying that other people have got it worse than you, but can still perform leagues better academically. 

You also tell them that most of your motivation comes from all the unadopted animals from the shelter. You started as a volunteer just to kill time on weekends when you’re free, but even if you knew better than to get attached to all those adorable faces, you eventually found yourself on the employee roster anyways. 

Now you’re rushing to finish your degree so you can get a neat sugar mommy job that’ll let you afford to adopt everyone that’s been stuck in the shelter for nearly a year or more.

Okay, maybe not everyone because you’re no fool with a savior complex. But just enough to give a few furry friends a new home, right?

“Don’t look now,” your coworker, Mina whispers conspiratorially while you’re in the middle of snacking in the break room, “but that cutie you’ve been crushing on just walked inside. He’s checking out the cats out in the playroom as usual.”

Right. Apart from your altruistic dream of adopting as many animals as your financial capabilities can allow, there’s another reason you’re always looking forward to your shifts at the shelter. A reason that you’re a bit too embarrassed to let your friends know about.

You nearly choke on a potato chip when Mina informs you of the news and she immediately breaks into a fit of laughter. Glaring at her, you compose yourself with a long gulp of water before saying, “I do not have a crush on him.”

“Sure,” she plays along. “If you consider making googly eyes at the guy every time he drops by as ‘not having a crush on him’, then I’ll concur.” 

“I hate you.”

“No you don’t, sweetheart. Now get out there and sweet talk him into taking one of the kittens home! Pretty sure he wants one if he’s been showing up as much as he did for the last two months.” 

While you would’ve argued that the so-called cutie you’ve been crushing on could just like seeing the cats play around in his free time, you don’t really have much energy to play mental gymnastics with Mina. You’ve had a long day of revisions and other nonsense materials you have to submit for your majors, so you’ll let this one slide.

Your workplace is as bleak as every other shelter you’ve seen a few times in your life. Gray walls, concrete floors, and steel cages stacked on top of each other. It looks more like a prison than anything, really, but it’s the staff and those kind-hearted souls who rehome animals that have long been abandoned that give the entire place some life.

While Mister Cutie That You’ve Been Quote-Unquote Crushing On doesn’t exactly fall into either of those categories, you like to think he still leaves the building just a touch more colorful once he walks out of the front door. 

Speaking of color, he’s wearing a loose, dark green shirt that falls just below his elbows. Cutie—as you’ve deigned to call him not because you think he’s cute but because you’re yet to get his name—has one palm flattened across the viewing glass of the playroom. He’s wearing his usual black face mask today, but from the way his eyes glint behind his glasses, you’re just going to assume he’s having a good time just by watching the cats frolic inside.

“You’re here pretty late,” you state nonchalantly before standing a few feet away from him. 

“Is that so strange?” he murmurs with a chuckle, surprisingly not startled with your sudden entrance before glancing your way. “I always show up here at this hour, don’t I?”

God. No matter how many times you hear his voice, you just can’t get over how deep it is. But before any of your thoughts could show on your face, you get talking.

“True. You’ve sparked a debate among the volunteers about your line of work, actually.” Not exactly. You’re not sure if any of the volunteers have even seen this guy, since they mostly work day shifts. “Anyway, are you just here to check ‘em out or am I finally going to hand you the adoption papers?”

His eyes crinkle a bit before he shifts his gaze towards the playroom again. Most of the older cats have already been put back in their respective cages. All that’s left inside are the kittens with way too much energy to spare. The director, A.K.A., your boss, believes that it’s best to tire them out first before settling them into individual enclosures for the night. Keeps the place nice and quiet for the evening shift fellows like yourself.

“Not yet, sadly,” Cutie says with a sigh before pointing at a small black kitten huddled up in a corner. “That one’s new, isn’t it? I don’t think I’ve seen him around before.” 

“Her,” you correct. “Her name’s Hani. She’s a stray that someone from the university I’m attending brought in last week. It was pretty ugly, actually. Poor thing got into an accident and was bleeding everywhere. Good thing our usual vet was paying a visit when they came here.”

“Oh? That’s a relief then. No wonder she’s got a little limp every time she walks around,” he observes with a saddened tone. “But I digress. You mentioned you were attending university?”

…Okay, why’d the topic of interest suddenly shift to you? 

But since it’s a harmless enough question, you reply with, “Yeah. The one that’s just a few blocks away. It’s kinda why the person who found Hani brought her here instead of a vet clinic. The nearest one’s like half an hour away.”

“Good call, good call.” He nods with a look of understanding. “I hope someone comes and adopts her. She deserves all the love she can get. Well, everyone here does of course.” 

You flash him a conniving smile, raising your brows a few times. “You could give that to her.”

Cutie shakes his head with another low-pitched laugh. “As much as I’d love to, my…living conditions won’t be suitable for her at all. Or any of the other animals for the matter.”

“Hm?” You stare at him curiously. “Your landlord doesn’t allow pets or something?”

“Mmm… Not exactly.”

The conversation pretty much ends there. Cutie excuses himself—saying that someone is waiting for him at home. You don’t know why your heart deflates a little at the very real possibility that he has a significant other. Then again, if you’re this whipped when you haven’t even seen his face, you could only imagine how easy it would be for him to settle down with someone who has.

Either way, it’s none of your business. And correction: you’re not whipped. Just…hyper aware of his presence every time he stops by.

Despite the fact that you’re dead-set on filing this strange fascination you have for the guy, however…

“Wait!”

Cutie turns around to face you with an inquisitive look. “Yes?”

You swallow thickly, deciding to just bite the bullet before your nerves get the best of you. “What’s your name? I can’t keep calling you Cu—I mean, Glasses Guy in my head whenever you pay us a visit.”

He blinks for a few seconds, obviously nonplussed by your forwardness but you don’t think your pride can take it anymore if you had to refer to him as—

“You can call me Woo,” he says warmly and you can almost see the smile that stretches behind that black face mask.

Shit. Did your heart just stutter?

“Mister Woo—”

“Just Woo is fine.”

“Okay, Woo,” you start, kind of liking the way that something that’s obviously a nickname rolls off the tongue, “just let me know if you ever want to take Hani home. We’re open twenty four-seven, as you already know.”

He nods. “Sure thing. Is it okay if I can get your number for that?”

Now you have to fight the urge to scowl at him after he’s been so nice to you all night—and every other night he’s dropped by. 

This guy isn’t flirting with you. He said it himself—someone’s waiting for him at home. Plus, he’s expressed consistent interest in adopting a kitten for himself a handful of times before. Maybe he just connected with Hani on a level that’s above the others. Enough to ask for your number since the possibility of him bringing one of these angels home is becoming more and more real. 

Yeah, that’s definitely the reason!

So you give it to him—hastily scrawled behind an old flier gathering dust in one of the drawers on the front desk. It’s way too big to write just yours and the shelter’s contact details on, but the other calling cards are nowhere in sight. You’ll have to ask Mina if she’s seen them once—

“Thanks. I’ll keep in touch,” Woo tells you while folding the sheet of paper into a sleek black Louis Vuitton wallet.

Wait a minute.

Before you can even seriously ponder about what job he’s got to be able to afford that, Woo is already out of the door—heading into the evening streets without once looking back. 

“Gosh, I swear that guy’s an idol in disguise or something.”

That’s the first thing that Mina tells you when you find her doing a few rounds among the sleeping dogs in the far back. You haven’t even spoken a single word about your most recent exchange. 

“What makes you think that?” 

“He just exudes idol vibes, y’know? Shows up here when the place is deserted. Always acts subtle and inconspicuous. Oh and not to mention how hot he looks even with a face mask on! He could be that one idol your little sister is crazy about.” 

You roll your eyes at her odd ways of deduction. “Mina, I’ve seen enough of Haewon’s Mingyu merch to last a lifetime and Woo definitely does not look like him.”

“Oh?” Your coworker perks up with a mischievous smile. “You finally got his name, huh?”

God. This is going to be a long shift.

The next time you see Woo is, surprisingly, not at an ungodly hour in the shelter. 

Well, it’s still at an ungodly hour, but the change in venue is a little baffling. You were up all night studying (read: cramming) for a major exam that you’ll take at eight in the morning the next day. When you were finally at your wit’s end, you decidedly hauled yourself away from your laptop and fluttered off to the only twenty four-hour coffee shop in the neighborhood. 

You don’t usually frequent this place because you’ve tasted their shitty americanos firsthand, but you’re not in the mood to grind some beans yourself and you’re much too stubborn to drink anything instant—convinced the powdered concoction would only make you sleepier.

So here you are, in line for an espresso because you’ve decided to give them the benefit of the doubt that maybe not everything on the menu tastes less than it’s worth. With how many other students are pulling all-nighters here, that should be testament enough that they tolerate the place’s drinks enough to linger. 

But, to your horror, when you’re right in front of the graveyard shift barista, he informs you that wireless payments have been temporarily disabled and that they’re only accepting cash up front. You make a show of patting down the pockets of your hoodie to check for your wallet even if you know damn well that you left it back at your apartment on purpose. Just when you’re about to resign yourself to buying shitty instant coffee at a Seven Eleven instead, the person behind you in line clears his throat. 

“Uh, I can pay for her drink.” 

You don’t think you’ve ever whipped your head around to check for a person’s identity faster than you did at that moment. It’s not that you’re particularly obsessed with the low timber of his voice or anything, but you’d recognize the way the shelter’s late night regular speaks in a goddamn heartbeat.

“Woo?” you scowl as he maneuvers himself to the front of the line, bringing out that same Louis Vuitton wallet you were ogling the last time you saw him. 

He pulls out a few banknotes and places them on top of the counter with what you think is a smile behind his mask. “Couple that with four iced americanos please.”

You purposely hold your tongue about your personal vendetta against that particular drink as the barista nods, punching in Woo’s order and asking for a name. Just when you thought he’d say the same one he’d given when you’d asked, however—

“Soonyoung. Oh, and I’ll get those drinks to go, please.” 

Your gaze is on him the entire time as the two of you shuffle to the end of the counter to wait for your drinks. Woo is doing a pretty okay job at playing it cool despite the fact that he lied about the names on his orders. Or maybe he lied when he told you his name was Woo. 

Either way, does it matter? It’s not strange for people to make up fake names for baristas to write on their coffees—Mina does it all the time. But something about the idea that the man standing in front of you doesn’t look like a Soonyoung bothers you more than it should. It makes you wonder what his actual name is and if it’s weird to ask when he already gave you one to address him with—

“Didn’t think I’d see you here,” he suddenly says and you nearly have a heart attack.

“Uh,” you start somewhat dumbly, before finally getting a hold of your brain. “I live around the area. Thought I could use a drink if I didn’t want to sleep through my lecture notes.”

He lets out a low chuckle and at that moment, you let yourself observe him a little more closely. His hair is hidden behind a black beanie which he expertly paired with an equally black parka that’s zipped up all the way. He’s wearing a different pair of glasses today—one with thick, black frames—and you’re starting to get an idea of what his favorite color might be.

“Is that why I haven’t seen you at the shelter these days?” he wonders. “Every time I dropped by last week, you weren’t on shift.”

Oh. Shit, he’s been visiting still? And he was looking for you?

“Yup, I needed to take a few days off because if I wanna graduate, I’ve got to keep myself from failing any of my majors,” you explain as briefly as you can—not wanting to go into detail about GPA requirements and your thesis. “How about you? Why’re you out and about at this hour, Soonyoung?”

It’s kind of adorable, how the tips of his ears flush pink at your words. “Soonyoung’s one of my friends. I actually went out tonight because I lost a bet and had to buy four of us coffee.”

You’re not sure how and why you feel a wave of relief wash over you, so instead, you brush the feeling aside before leaning against the counter. “Lost a bet about what, pray tell?”

Woo is quiet for a while, as if contemplating if he should unveil his losses to someone who’s virtually still a stranger before letting out a defeated sigh.

“Mario Kart.”

The snort you let out draws a few curious stares from other customers sitting near the counter and you force out an apology that’s underscored with a hiccup of laughter. Woo doesn’t seem at all offended by your reaction though. In fact, he seems even amused by it.

Not ten seconds later, the barista calls out his—rather, Soonyoung’s name and he hands you your drink while he carries a takeout package in his other hand. You try not to think too much about the way his fingers brush against yours when he gives it to you, thanking him despite the obvious redness settling across your cheeks.

“I actually meant to text you last week but I didn’t know if you were comfortable with it,” Woo admits as he opens the door to the coffee shop for you—thanking him as you step out of the air conditioned space and into the humid evening air. “I wanted to ask about the adoption requirements at the shelter.”

Part of you is a little skeptical about his explanation because… If he’s been dropping by your workplace as often as he claimed last week, then he could’ve just asked the other staff about the details. Why wait until he meets you again to bring it up? 

But of course, you’re way too polite to ask that to his face.

“I don’t mind you texting me about that or…anything, really,” you say, turning up the flap on the lid of your espresso before taking a small sip. Bearable. “It’s not like I’m too busy to respond to you. Well, I kinda am, but I can spare a few minutes.”

Woo nods with a soft laugh. “Okay. I’ll just get into detail via text later. I gotta bring these coffees back or they’ll chew me out for the rest of the night for being late. Oh, but do you need someone to walk home with you?”

The idea of having your not-work crush escorting you home flusters you more than it should and when you take another sip of your drink, it nearly goes down the wrong hole. Woo pats your back in comforting fashion when you sputter from your coffee, tears stinging your eyes as you attempt to breathe like a normal person. Fuck, you must look so fucking weird right now.

“I-I, um, sorry about that.” You cough into your fist, laughing uneasily as you grip your drink a little too tightly. “No, it’s fine. I only live a few blocks away.”

Now that you mention it, does that mean Woo is the same? If he’s out here in this specific neighborhood at this specific hour, that would only mean he lives in the area, or is at least staying for the meantime, right? But before you could get swept up by your own curiosity, you immediately sweep any and all ideas under the rug.

“Oh, that’s—that’s good to know.”

He sounds disappointed. Why does he sound disappointed?

“So I guess this is goodbye? ” you start. 

Woo nods briskly. “Yup. I’ll keep in touch.”

You chuckle. “That’s what you said last time.”

Whoa. Were you propositioning him or something? Sometimes, it baffles you how one minute, you’re choking on a cup of coffee—several shades embarrassed—and the next, you’re practically daring him to text you like he said he would.

“And I’ll make good on that as soon as time permits.” Woo shakes his head with a laugh. “It was nice seeing you again, though. Good luck with your exams.”

You can’t help the way your cheeks heat up yet again at the thought of him having remembered that you mentioned your exams. “Thanks. I think I need all the luck I can get.”

When Woo turns to look at you through those thick-rimmed glasses, you almost wish you could see the smile that’s undoubtedly spreading behind that pesky mask of his. 

“I’ll be happy to give it to you every time then.”

Today was probably the shittiest day of the week.

Not only did you spectacularly flunk the exam you took this morning whilst running on less than two hours of sleep, but your thesis adviser emailed you about several concerns regarding the latest version of your manuscript. Needless to say, you spent a good chunk of your day holed up in the university library, consulting new reference materials to back up your data since the ones you used were much too outdated for your adviser’s liking. 

It should’ve been something you’d consider a walk in the park, given the many revisions that have preceded this one, but it just so happens that you’ve got three more exams to worry about for the remainder of the week. Meaning, you had to squeeze in a few minutes of studying in between editing your newest draft and telling yourself that maybe it wouldn’t be too bad if you got held back for one semester before graduating. 

You’ve been so caught up with your piling academic responsibilities that you’ve barely looked at your phone. You only deigned to dig it out of the deepest pit of your backpack when you got a little hungry and wondered if they still let food delivery guys past the school gates. To your surprise, you’re greeted with a few text messages that you immediately feel horrible for not replying to the moment they were delivered. 

Unknown Number [10:45]: So about those adoption requirements…

Unknown Number [11:33]: Oh. Sorry, I forgot to introduce myself. It’s Woo.

Ignoring the fact that you’re obviously famished, you hastily type in a response after marking down Woo’s number with a black cat emoji right next to his name. It takes a moment because you’re so shaky, you end up suffering from a few typos here and there.

Me [13:10]: hey! sorry i was a bit busy and i just saw these…

Me [13:10]: what do you wanna know? i’m on a self-imposed lunch break rn

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [13:15]: No worries, I figured you got a long day ahead. Hope lunch is good at least.

Me [13:16]: actually, i haven’t ordered anything yet ‘cause time got away from me but Anyways

Me [13:16]: you wanted details abt the adoption process?

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [13:18]: What? You haven't eaten yet?

Me [13:18]: yeah, but it’s no big deal. i could just have some food delivered.

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [13:19]: Well, I’m out right now. I could just buy some food for you and drop it off. 

Your eyes practically bulge out of their sockets when you read each word of Woo’s text message. Is he being serious right now? The guy just paid for your coffee last night—a coffee that you forgot to pay back because of how surprising the circumstances were. Now he’s offering to buy you lunch?

Me [13:20]: you really don’t have to, i swear!! i’ve still got a few discount vouchers in baenim

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [13:22]: I insist. I’ve got my bike with me anyway.

Me [13:22]: bike? like, a bicycle?

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [13:23]: Mmm. Close. Anyway, what food do you want? 

Now what the hell does that mean?

Part of you feels like you should be freaked out with how…kind he’s being to you. The world is full of weirdos who play the nice guy just to do something despicable to you in the end. Yet another part of you—a less reasonable one, admittedly—insists that Woo is nothing like that, despite the fact that you barely know the guy. 

Then again, you’re tired, stressed out, and barely slept a wink last night. If the hot guy you’ve been quote-unquote crushing on is offering to buy you food, where’s the harm in accepting?

Me [13:25]: fine. i could use some yangnyeom chicken and tteokbokki. 

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [13:26]: Nice. I know a good place. 

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [13:27]: I’ll head out in a few, so just text me the address.

Right after sending your university’s pin location to Woo, you start to consider the chance of him being some sort of serial stalker. Could he be biding his time, trying to let your guard down and easing personal information out of you so he could do something nefarious when he gets you alone? Fuck. Maybe it’s a good idea you didn’t let him walk you home yesterday…

But despite the very real possibility of Woo being someone with bad intentions regardless of how nice he is, you see no problem in meeting him at the school gates when he arrives with your food. In fact, you don’t even feel apprehensive of him in spite of all the ideas you conjured in your head over the past hour.  

Me [14:15]: where are you?

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [14:16]: Parked by the curb in front of a bookstore. You can’t miss me.

 Me [14:16]: i don’t even know what you Look like today, genius

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [14:17]: I told you, I’ve got my bike with me. I don’t see anyone else looking the same way within a twenty meter radius. 

You have to fight the urge to roll your eyes. For someone you deemed as ‘nice’, he can get pretty mouthy if he wants to. 

You head to the general direction of the bookstore that Woo was talking about as you try to ignore your growling stomach. Given that the lunch rush is more or less over, the usual crowd of pedestrians has considerably thinned out and it makes it easier for you to scan the vicinity for any bike-wielding impromptu delivery guys. 

However, the only person that does stand out to you is some dude wearing a black leather jacket, chilling next to an expensive looking motorcycle as he taps away on his phone with a matching pair of leather gloves and everything. His face is obscured by a black helmet and you would’ve let your gaze go past him had it not been for a sudden realization that hits you right there.

Bike? Like, a bicycle?

Mmm. Close.

“Woo!” 

Of course the leather jacket-clad, expensive motorcycle-wielding man looks up at the sound of his name being called from across the street. The visor of his helmet is drawn all the way up and you could see that he isn’t wearing his glasses for good reason. He seems to perk up at the sight of you before grabbing something from the trunk of his motorcycle and jogging to meet you where you stood.

You’ve seen him sporting a spectrum of comfortable outfits during his late night visits, but this is the first time you’ve witnessed Woo looking as dapper as he is now.

“Late lunch delivery?” 

You don’t even try to hide the way you roll your eyes as you accept the paper bag he hands to you. “Thanks. How much do I owe you now? You already got me coffee and now lunch.”

He shakes his head and you find it a little ridiculous, considering he’s still wearing that huge helmet of his. “It’s on me. It’s the least I could do to repay you for being so accommodating.”

“Woo, I haven’t done shit for you ‘cause you’re yet to properly talk to me about the adoption process. What on earth are you talking about?” 

“But you will do shit for me when we do talk about it. I’m just repaying the favor in advance,” he rebuts cheekily before pulling back the sleeve of his jacket to check for the time. “Though as much as I want to do that now, I need to catch a flight in a few hours.”

That makes your expression morph into disbelief. “You need to catch a what?”

“A flight. Gotta head to Japan for a few days,” Woo tells you nonchalantly, as if heading to Japan for a few days is something people do on a regular basis. “Can you make sure no one else takes Hani home before I can settle everything on my end?”

You tell yourself that you’ve got time to mull over what this guy does for a living some other time. Clearing your throat, you manage an awkward smile. “Um, yeah, sure thing. You’re really attached to her, aren’t you?” 

“You can say that again,” he laughs softly. “She kinda reminds me of myself from a long time ago… But anyway, I’ve gotta go. Tell me what you think about the chicken when you’re done with it?”

You nod. “I’ll be as brutally honest with my review as possible.”

“Just the way I like it,” Woo replies, eyes crinkling with amusement.

When you head back to the library, the person you were sharing a table with looked after your stuff for you while you were gone. You thank her profusely before settling back into your seat, grabbing the takeout packages from the paper bag that Woo personally delivered to you. 

Before you can start wolfing down the delectable-smelling chicken he brought, however, you notice a cute sticky note plastered on the lid—a doodle of a cat with glasses and a speech bubble that says you can do it~ scribbled on the corner.

Don’t overwork yourself. It’s been ages since my last exam, but I know how hard it can be. Make sure to eat properly so you can absorb all the info you need.

When your head bangs against one of the many wooden tables in the library, the person seated at the far end stares at you with a concerned look. You can’t muster the energy to assure her that everything’s alright, though because…

That quote-unquote crush of yours? 

It’s starting to become a little too real.

You’re in the middle of throwing out old files from the back room archive when Mina peeks her head into the doorway and says, “You’ve got a visitor again.”

One glance at the old wall clock hung above the steel cabinets tells you that it’s midnight, but you know for one that this mystery visitor isn’t Woo this time around. 

You’ve been keeping in touch with him through Kakao, since you can’t exactly afford to send international text messages to Japan and your new friend(?) has been keeping you posted about his shenanigans for the past week. He hasn’t replied to your last message from over three hours ago and you’re not so delusional to think he got on a plane back to Korea and is suddenly here to surprise you.

When you see who it is, though, your heart warms just a little.

“Why haven’t you been texting me back?” Haewon, your sister who’s two years younger, gets up from the seats lined up across the walls of the lobby. “I missed you!” 

You shake your head before pulling her into a hug. “I missed you, she says. But you’re really just looking for someone to show you around the city again, aren’t you?”

“Hey, missing you and needing a chaperone aren’t mutually exclusive,” she huffs and you notice that she’s in full fangirl gear again—a lightstick hanging off a strap slung across her shoulder, a windbreaker with her favorite boyband’s logo sewn on the front pocket, and of course, a photocard of Mingyu dangling from her little handbag.

Despite the fact that she’s also in college, Haewon chose to stay in your hometown in Jeju to pursue her studies there instead. The first few months since you left were the hardest—so unused to not having your little sister go on and on and on about how much she loves SEVENTEEN. But you’ve also come to appreciate the peace and quiet that living alone in Seoul affords you. 

Besides, with how much money she’s raised for being one of the more well-known event organizers in her fandom, Haewon can pretty much come visit you in Seoul whenever she feels like it. 

“I’m guessing your thirteen boyfriends have a thing going on?” you ask before glancing over at the playroom to make sure there aren’t any kittens left inside. 

Haewon nods enthusiastically. “Yup, they’re having a mini fanmeet outside their company building in a few days—”

“In a few days?” you parrot before gesturing for her to follow you in the break room so you can get changed. “What’re you doing out here all dressed up then?”

Your little sister rolls her eyes. “Unnie, I’m not some weirdo who wears their merch on a regular night for no reason. I came from this little cupsleeve event for Wonwoo’s birthday. Things ran a little late because we had to help clean up at the café.” 

While you’re not well-versed in fandom jargon, you have learned a few terms from Haewon here and there. Plus, she already took you to a cupsleeve event for another member’s birthday once. You’re not really sure who it was because the only one you do consistently remember is Mingyu—your sister’s ultimate bias, apparently. 

“What made you stop by then?” you wonder as you exchanged your work uniform for a loose shirt. “You didn’t tell me you were coming in advance. I could’ve fetched you from the airport.”

“I did tell you in advance.” She pouts. “But you said you were busy working on your manuscript when I did, so it must’ve slipped your mind.”

Oh. Okay, now you feel bad. “Sorry. I’ll make it up to you this weekend with dinner?” 

Haewon whines. “Unnie, their fanmeet is on Saturday and I leave on Sunday.”

“So? How long is that going to be anyway?”

“Uh, all day?”

You sigh. “Fine. How about you crash in my place tonight and we can rewatch Hometown Cha Cha Cha while stuffing our faces with ramen?”

“Deal.”

After timing out for the evening, you say goodbye to Mina, who’s just waiting up for your other coworkers who’ll cover the next shift. Haewon talks your ear off about what happened in the event she attended as you both walked back to your apartment and, while only some of the things she’s saying makes sense to you, it’s nice to be in your little sister’s company again. 

“Oh, by the way, here.”

You stare at her curiously as she rummages through her bag, handing you a photocard enclosed in a dainty-looking toploader. 

“What’s this for?” you ask. 

“You told me back then that Wonwoo was your type,” Haewon explains with a grin. “So I did my best in one of the parlor games and won that extremely in-demand photocard just for you.”

You scan the piece of idol merchandise in your hands for a few minutes more—staring at Wonwoo’s face as if waiting for him to speak. You never really understood the appeal of collecting photocards. As long as it makes Haewon happy, you won’t bat an eyelash.

But now she’s giving you one to keep for yourself and the more you stare at the idol printed on the sturdy paper, the more you think that you’ve seen him somewhere.

Then again, Haewon has been talking about these boys since they debuted years ago. The familiarity must’ve stemmed from those numerous fancams and music show performances that she forced you to sit down and watch with her. 

“You better take care of him, okay?” Haewon pouts. “If I see him suddenly being sold for a high price, I’m never going to let you live it down.”

“I barely know how the market for this works, so you don’t have to worry about that,” you chuckle before carefully sliding the toploader inside your own bag. “So what ramen are we eating? Shin Ramyun or something else?”

Me [21:17]: btw, when are you coming back again? 

Me [21:20]: someone was asking about hani earlier and i feel like you’ve gotta come back here to assert your dominance.

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [02:35]: Shit, sorry. I forgot about the time.

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [02:35]: My friends and I had a birthday celebration at the izakaya near our hotel. It’s been a while since we got to unwind like this.

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [02:36]: Anyway, who’s the funny guy who thought he could have my cat?

Me [02:38]: wow. YOUR cat? 🤨🤨🤨

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [02:40]: You’re still awake?

Me [02:40]: yeah, my little sister is in seoul and we’re binging our favorite drama

Me [02:41]: how about you? why are You still awake?

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [02:45]: Taking care of drunk friends. Remember Soonyoung?

Me [02:45]: what about him?

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [02:47]: Pleading for forgiveness in the toilet while he retches his guts out.

Me [02:47]: huh. some birthday party. who’s the celebrant anyway?

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [02:47]: Me.

“Whoa. You okay?” Haewon asks when you suddenly lurch forward on the couch, choking on the ramen you were in the middle of slurping. 

You thank your sister when she offers you a glass of water and you gulp it down to soothe the burning sensation in your throat. “It’s fine. I just received a surprising text is all.”

“From a boyfriend?” she teases.

You scowl. “No. From a friend. Just a friend.”

“Boo. But you’ll tell me once you land yourself your very own Hong Dusik, right?”

The look on your face only worsens at the reference she’s made to the drama that’s still playing on screen. “I’d actually rather die than have someone like Dusik as a boyfriend. If the whole enemies to lovers thing works with Hyejin, it really won't with me.”

“True, you’ve always been a mellow lover,” Haewon agrees and you roll your eyes. “That’s why Wonwoo would be perfect for you~”

“I think me landing a Hong Dusik-esque boyfriend is more likely than me getting together with a world famous idol but okay.”

You’re momentarily distracted from your conversation when your phone vibrates in your lap again, and— Fuck. 

You forgot to reply to Woo.

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [02:55]: Fell asleep on me already?

Me [02:56]: no, no. sorry. my sister was just talking to me. 

Me [02:56]: anyway, it’s your BIRTHDAY?

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [02:57]: Hahaha, yes. It’s been a while since I could sit down and actually celebrate it with my friends. 

Me [02:58]: is that why you went all the way to japan? for a little birthday getaway?

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [02:58]: Hm… something like that 

Me [03:00]: i’ll give you hani’s adoption papers as a gift

Me [03:01]: that or you let ME treat YOU to something nice for a change

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [03:05]: Well, I’ll be back in Korea this Saturday, but won’t be free until late at night.

Me [03:05]: back to regular programming, huh?

Me [03:06]: we can celebrate later if you’re busy, you know. 

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [03:07]: It’s okay. I wanted to spend time with you anyways.

“You sure that’s just a friend you’re talking to?” Haewon asks with an unimpressed stare as you choke on your instant noodles for the second time. “The only way I’d react like that to a text is if my friend told me one of our professors is fucking his TA despite being married. If that’s the case, you gotta let me in on the juicy details.”

You make a face at her. “Isn’t that way too specific?”

“Isn’t that way too specific?” Haewon mocks. “Whatever you’ve got going on with this friend of yours, promise I’ll be the first to know once you make it official?”

“Haewon!”

For the sake of your own sanity, you only reply to Woo’s message once you’re tucked in bed and Haewon is comfortably dozing on the couch in the living room. She’s a heavy sleeper that passes out quickly after a long day, so you don’t feel particularly worried about your little sister barging into your room when you type out a response.

Me [03:43]: gotcha. just meet me at the shelter after your thing. 

Me [03:45]: happy birthday, woo.

You don’t wait for him to type out a reply anymore—eyes drooping into slumber as you let the screen of your phone fade into sleep mode. 

Unbeknownst to you, a man who just finished putting his intoxicated friends to bed an ocean away stares at your chat history with a fond smile, heart racing just a few beats faster at the prospect of what awaits him at home.

You’re just about done cleaning up the big dog kennels when Woo drops by on a bright Saturday morning. 

The sound of his deep ‘hello’ nearly made you drop all the cleaning utensils you were about to put away. When you turn around to confirm that the shelter’s nighttime regular has indeed switched things up and decided to visit during daylight hours, you’re too busy scowling at him to mind the fact that you’re all gross and sweaty from all the hard labor. 

Sure, you texted him about taking up a day shift today, but you definitely didn’t expect him to visit when he just got back to Korea a few hours ago. 

Surprisingly, Woo isn’t donned in all black this time around. He’s wearing a gray pullover with some muddled text you can’t quite read with the hood pulled all the way up, concealing the white cap resting on top of his head. Of course, his signature face mask is still in between you and his no doubt handsome countenance, but you’ll take what you can get.

“What’re you doing here?” you ask, a bit breathless before you notice that takeout bag he’s setting down on one of the empty tables. “I thought you’re not gonna be free until tonight.”

“Thought you could use another lunch fix,” he says nonchalantly. “Well that and I wanted to personally give you some cool trinkets from Japan.”

The sentiment makes your heart stir a little, but you end up voicing out a dry laugh before stuffing the shelter’s cleaning paraphernalia inside the broom closet. “Keep doing all these nice things and I’ll start thinking you’re in love with me.”

Woo laughs but does absolutely nothing to deny the allegations.

“Here.” Your brows arch a little when he fishes something from the pocket of his hoodie, handing it to you. “I wasn’t sure which one you’d like so I just got all of them.”

You’re a bit reluctant to receive his gift in your current state—dirty hands, dirty clothes, dirty everything—but Woo doesn’t seem to mind when he drops a small plastic package full of…

“Kitties!” You coo out loud at the assortment of colorful enamel pins inside before gawking at him. “Seriously, Woo, you’re way too nice to me. I’m starting to feel indebted.”

He shakes his head with an adorable laugh. “It’s nothing. I swear. They just reminded me of you when my friends and I passed this one booth at a festival.”

Shit. They reminded him of you?

“So are you finally going to sit down and talk to me about adopting Hani or are you gonna keep skirting around again, mister?” You place a hand on your hip, pointing an accusatory finger in his direction as you tuck his gift safely in the back pocket of your jeans.

“Surprise, I actually came here to do just that. I still have an hour free before I have to go to work,” Woo admits and him mentioning work taps in on your innate curiosity about what he does for a living. “But your coworker said something about rounding up the dogs and putting them back in the kennel?”

Oh. Shit. 

As if on cue, Mina—along with a few on shift volunteers—emerge down the hall, all of their hands gripping several leashes as an army of dogs fills the hallway with excited and agitated barking alike. 

“Are we good to go?” Mina yells over the noise.

Trying not to look too disappointed that your time with Woo has been cut short, you give Mina a thumbs up before striding off to meet them halfway. You take it upon yourself to take a few of the dogs off one of the volunteers’ hands and he looks at you with withering relief when you do. 

“Yep. Everything’s as fresh as a daisy now,” you inform them. “Hope these guys didn’t make too big of a mess up in the front though. That would mean Kino’s turn for cleaning duty came a little early.”

“Hey!” The volunteer in question complains. “I’ve got a date later, noona. Don’t go saying weird stuff like that.”

You’re just about to tease him a little more but you suddenly feel the force of a couple of former strays tugging you forward disappear. That’s when you notice that Woo made his way to your side, guiding the dogs silently as he helps lead the first of them to the kennel.

“Oh, you don’t have to,” you insist but your friend(?) merely shakes his head. 

“It’s no big deal,” Woo reassures.

It doesn’t help that this particular hallway is a little cramped. You’re practically standing arm to arm as you all make it to the end. You can practically smell the expensive cologne wafting from his clothes amidst the scent of dog fur that’s starting to permeate the air. When Woo lets out another soft laugh when one of the dogs he has on a leash licks his hand, you know it’s over for you.

It takes about half an hour to settle all fifteen big dogs into their respective cages and by the time it’s over, you’re convinced that you need a shower now more than ever. As Mina and the rest of the volunteers head back to the reception room, you decide to take a break and help yourself to the takeout that Woo personally delivered yet again.

“Thanks for your help. Cleaning day is really one of the toughest days of the month. Especially when we have to clean up the big dog kennels,” you sigh before plopping into an empty seat in the break room. 

“Don’t mention it,” he says and you find yourself imagining a smile behind his mask yet again. “I actually have a dog at home, too, so I would now. But she’s definitely more tame than these guys.”

That makes you pause. “Is that why you’re beating around the bush so much about adopting Hani? You think she won’t get along with your dog?”

He hums a little before stuffing his hands in the pockets of his hoodie. “That’s one of the reasons, yes.”

“Well, you won’t know unless you try,” you huff as you unseal the takeout package—the delectable scent of yangnyeom chicken pervading your senses. “Anyway, you’re going to sign the papers this time, right? Right?”

You have a feeling that you’ve finally got him cornered, but before Woo can even formulate a response, a ringtone that definitely isn’t yours starts going off inside the break room. 

Your friend(????) answers it with a wistful sigh. 

It’s so quiet that you can vaguely make out the voice at the other end of the line saying, “Hyung. Everyone’s looking for you. Where are you?”

You try not to stare at Woo as he takes the call out of pure decency—distracting yourself with your food. But you can’t help but listen in when their conversation is the only thing you can hear at the moment. 

“Yeah, I’ll be there soon. Tell everyone I’m sorry for the hold up, Mingyu.” 

The moment that name leaves Woo’s mouth, you freeze mid-chew. Did he say Mingyu? Like…the idol that Haewon is downright obsessed with? No… It was probably just someone with the same name. It is pretty common, after all.

When he ends the call, you flash him a tight-lipped smile that manages to conceal your momentary surprise. “Rain check?”

“Rain check,” Woo sighs in agreement. 

You nod. “It’s okay. The more you keep delaying Hani’s adoption, the more presents I get from you.”

“And you’re absolutely right about that,” he humors you before reaching out to ruffle your hair. You haven’t even recovered from that little gesture he just did when he asks, “Hope our plans for later are still up though?”

Woo must’ve caught the look on your face with the way he retracts the hand that was just on top of your head to snicker into his palm. “Don’t tell me you forgot. We were supposed to celebrate my birthday, remember?”

Curse you and your habit of making plans at ass o’clock in the morning. You always forget them!

“Uh, it kinda slipped my mind?” you admit sheepishly as you pick at your food. “I ended up going for a day shift ‘cause I have to see my sister off at the airport tomorrow.” 

He nods in earnest and it kind of makes you feel bad about your short term memory. “It’s alright. I’ll just drop by some other time to get the paperwork over with. I’ve disturbed you enough as it is.”

“No, it’s fine!”

Your sudden outburst makes Woo look up at you with a confused stare. “Hm?”

“I-I can still meet up with you later,” you stammer and you have to force yourself not to bury your face in your hands out of sheer embarrassment. Pull yourself together, damn. “If you’re not too tired from your plans for the day, of course.”

He mentioned something about having to go to work, and while you can’t imagine what sort of work has to be urgently done on a Saturday, you’ll still respect his time. 

Woo blinks for a few seconds, as if still digesting what you just said before his eyes disappear behind his glasses with a soft chuckle. Your brows cinch together, not getting what’s so funny. 

“Noted. I’ll come pick you up here later, still? If you’re not comfortable with sharing your address with me yet.” 

He’s so thoughtful, you might actually give him all your personal details at this point. But at the end of the day you’re actually a person with a head full of common sense, so you answer him with, “Sure thing. Thanks for going out of your way to come hang out despite how busy you are.”

“No, thank you for always putting up with me,” Woo insists with a shake of his head. “I swear I’m not hassling you with this whole adoption thing on purpose. There’s just…a lot of things to consider on my end. I hope you understand.”

You wave away his concerns with a laugh. “Just keep getting me more of this chicken and we’ll call it quits.”

“You’ve got yourself a deal.”

When Woo sees himself out of the break room, you fumble for the plastic package in the back of your jeans—taking one of the adorable black cat enamels before pinning it in the front pocket of your uniform. You can’t help the smile that creeps up your face when you see your reflection on the small mirror sitting on the table. 

How could you be this down bad for someone whose entire face you’ve never even seen before? 

Haewon 🪷 [17:20]: Are you suuure you don’t wanna come to the fan meet?

Haewon 🪷 [17:21]: I’ve still got a few extra passes :3c you’d get to see wonwoo in the flesh!

Me  [17:30]: why do you want to set me up with wonwoo so badly 

Haewon 🪷 [17:31]: Bc we’re sisters? And it’d be cool if we stanned MinWon together?

Me  [17:32]: …not even gonna ask you to elaborate on that

Haewon 🪷 [18:00]: Unnie ㅠㅠ

Me [18:00]: why? what’s wrong, hae?

Haewon 🪷[ 18:05]: Mingyu looks sooooo much better than I remember

Haewon 🪷[18:06]: The girlfriend allegations must be true

Haewon 🪷 [18:06]: Only a man in love can smile like that!

Me [18:07]: or: a man who relies on fanservice to get paid?

Haewon 🪷[ 18:08]: RUDE!!!!

Haewon 🪷 [18:08]: Here’s a pic of Wonwoo to shut you up

Haewon 🪷 [18:09]: [Sent an attachment]

Me [18:10]: idk if i should find the fact that you think some kpop guy affects me in any capacity amusing or concerning

Haewon 🪷 [18:11]: !!!! Take that back wtf?? Wonwoo isn’t just ‘some kpop guy’?????

Me [18:10]: sure he isn’t.

Haewon 🪷 [19:45]: Good news!!

Me [19:45]: you’re finally going to get off my back about the whole wonwoo thing?

Haewon 🪷 [19:46]: No ^_^ My Monday final got canceled so I can stay in Seoul for a day more!

Haewon 🪷 [19:46]: Aka you don’t have to wake up early to drag your ass to the airport w me

Me [19:47]: oh. that’s cool. what’re your plans for tomorrow then?

Haewon 🪷 [19:48]: Gonna attend the pre-recording for a music show :3

Me [19:50]: …Haewon i swear to god if you ask me to do what you’re about to ask me to do

Haewon 🪷 [19:50]: Come with me pretty pleaaaase?

Haewon 🪷 [19:51]: I’m using my adorable dongsaeng powers to get you to agree

Me [19:55]: there’s no talking my way out of this, is there?

Haewon 🪷 [19:55]: Nope <3

Me [19:56]: fine. just text me the details. i need to go out soon. 

Haewon 🪷 [19:56]: HEHE have fun !!

You weren’t lying when you texted Haewon that you had to go out soon. You agreed that you’d meet up with Woo for his post-birthday celebration at 9 P.M. Hell, you even called a local bakery to have a personalized cake made for pick-up before you head over to the rendezvous point. Everything was already set right from the start.

But then you ended up falling asleep while scrolling through Twitter and now the clock reads 10:45 P.M., and you’re rushing to pull on a ratty sweater instead of the cute outfit you planned for the night as you rush out of your apartment.

Me [10:47]: FUCK IM SORRY

Me [10:47]: i was SUPPOSED to take a five minute nap but i didn’t realize how tired i was

Me [10:48]: are you still up to hang out? i totally get it if not though.

You immediately stuff your phone in the pocket of your jeans—not even bothering to glance at Woo’s reply when it vibrates with a text notification. Your conscience is much too guild-ridden to read any sort of reassurance he’d undoubtedly give to you despite how long you’ve made him wait. 

Two hours, jeez. You’d be furious if someone was that late on you.

When you arrive at the shelter after doing a couple of quick detours, you’re panting like you just won first place in a marathon. Needless to say, it’s a pitiful sight to behold when Woo is leaning across his motorcycle—looking much too attractive in that stupid leather jacket of his. 

“Is this what the kids call fashionably late these days?” he chuckles.

If you weren’t so apologetic, you would’ve rolled your eyes so instead, you give him a crumpled paper bag with a smile that borders on overcompensating.

“Happy birthday?”

Woo looks like he was just about to say something until a quiet mewl interrupts him midway. You gaze at him with a puzzled look until he stifles a soft laugh, pulling the lapel of his jacket open to reveal—

“Hani?” You scowl.

The black kitten is tucked away snugly in the inner pocket of Woo’s jacket—nearly blending in with the leather. It’s almost as if two pairs of big yellow eyes are staring at you from a void. 

“Finally got the papers over with when you fell asleep on me,” Woo chuckles before scratching behind her ears. “So I guess it wasn’t so bad that you made me wait for two hours.” 

“Hey, I said I was sorry!”

“Yes, and I heard you,” he insists before peering inside the paper bag you gave him. “What’s this?”

“No peeking until we get to your good old thinking spot,” you scold, smacking his hand away. 

A hand that you just noticed is also clad in a leather glove. 

He shakes his head playfully before putting his arms up in surrender. “For someone who’s two hours late, you’re pretty demanding.”

“Woo!”

During his last few days in Japan, Woo told you about his favorite thinking spot that’s specifically located beneath Hannam Bridge. There’s an old watchtower that was built before the bridge even existed. I go there when I want to clear my head. 

When he said he wanted to bring you there for his belated birthday bash, the ghastly possibility of him turning out to be a serial killer luring you to your doom crossed your mind for half a second before you ended up agreeing anyway.

Now here you are, drowning in the musk of his cologne as you press your cheek against the fabric of his jacket. He’s definitely going past the speed limit with how sharply the wind sings in your ears, but instead of complaining about it, you tighten your arms around his torso—letting the warmth of his body seep into yours. 

“It’s not so scary if you don’t think about it too much,” you hear him shout from the front. “Look to your right! This is why I’ve always liked doing late night rides!”

Easy for him to say. He’s brave enough to harbor a kitten inside his jacket and a person who’s never ridden a motorcycle before at a hundred kilometers per hour! But despite how terrified you are of falling off his bike, you do as he says anyways.

When you tilt your gaze in the direction of the Han River, you’re immediately greeted by the dazzling lights that glimmer across the water. You haven’t been to the districts on the other side of the river, but you think you’re content with getting to see them from afar.

With the roar of an engine ringing in your ears. With the summer evening breeze whipping past your face.

With your arms around someone who’s slowly but surely leaving his mark in your life. 

“Are you sure this is legal?”

Your companion glances behind him as he makes his way to the aforementioned watch tower—a knapsack full of god-knows-what slung around his shoulder while he carries the paper bag with your “gift” in his free hand. “I’ve never seen a single ‘No Trespassing' sign since I’ve started going here ages ago, so probably.”

“Probably?” you parrot and Hani, who you’ve deigned to carry in your arms after that grueling motorcycle ride, meows as if she’s just as incredulous as you are. “So it’s still possible for us to get arrested?”

“Yeah, but what’s life without a little risk?” 

Unbelievable.

Yet, despite the common sense you were oh-so proud of this morning, you still follow him up the winding steps of the watchtower, which is hardly even a watchtower given that it’s a few meters beneath the widest bridge in the city. Woo wasn’t lying about his strange description of it after all.

“Well, here we are,” he announces when the two of you reach the platform on the very top. The edges are lined with metal rails that are beginning to rust with age, but seem sturdy enough to grant you some sense of security—no matter how sparse. “I’ll just set this up. You can go enjoy the view if you want.”

Woo doesn’t even let you get a word in before he unzips his bag and brings out a checkered picnic blanket. He gently lays it across the dusty concrete, smoothing out the fabric before fishing some more stuff inside his gym-bag-turned-picnic-basket. You keep yourself from making any snide comments about his choice of venue because despite the unorthodox location, you actually get why he’d find it peaceful here.

It’s far enough from the freeway that the sound of vehicles rushing through the night can barely reach your ears. If you listen closely enough, you can even hear the water flowing below much more clearly. You close your eyes to get a better feel of the place—imagining a six-foot something guy leaning across the rusty railings as he watches the city lights sparkle across the Han River.

“There we go.” 

You startle when you feel Woo’s warm, leather-clad hand on your shoulder—prompting you to turn around and see his handiwork. In the middle of the picnic blanket is something that looks suspiciously like a portable emergency light. How he got his hands on something like that, you’re not entirely sure, so you decide to focus on the other details instead. 

Like the two unopened bottles of soju right next to a take-out package of your favorite yangnyeom chicken. 

“Didn’t we agree that I was treating you to something this time around?” you grumble as you absentmindedly stroke Hani’s fur. 

“We did, but then you overslept and—”

“Okay, fine! Point taken!”

Woo snickers as he hands you the paper bag you brought for the trip. It looks even worse than it was when you ran all the way to the shelter and you can only hope the package inside isn’t completely ruined. 

You decide to let Hani down inside the gym bag that Woo left unzipped. Surprisingly, the newly adopted kitten makes a home out of it quickly—curling up into a ball as her tail swishes every now and again. Cute.

“Don’t judge, okay?” You breathe out nervously as you take the plastic container out of the bag. “I had a legit cake custom-made and everything but…yeah. Overslept.”

When Woo doesn’t respond a second too long, your gaze nervously rivets to his face to parse for a reaction. Was he disappointed? Should you have gotten a different design?

The moment you see the dazzled look in his eyes, however, you realize that isn’t the case.

He receives the little cupcake with open arms when you give it to him. It’s chocolate topped with bad fondant icing art, but you didn’t really have a choice. When you spotted it in the convenience store earlier, you grabbed the one that looked most like a kitten and dipped. It’s nice to know that he might actually like it after all.

“Oh and uh, sorry, but I couldn’t bring any candles for you to blow,” you add sheepishly. “You can just make a wish and pretend.” 

Woo’s gaze drifts to you for a moment before his eyes crinkle with laughter. “I don’t really have to do that though. My wish has already come true.”

Huh?

To your chagrin, he doesn’t elaborate. Instead, Woo invites you to sit on the picnic blanket—carefully removing his boots so he wouldn’t track dirt all over the food and you follow suit. 

You fill the silence with your goings-on for the rest of the day and how exactly you ended up dozing off and he’s kind enough to listen to every word. However, when you ask if he wants to do a toast, he shakes his head.

“I need to drive you back, remember?” 

You shoot him a dirty look. “So you took me all the way out here just so I can have two bottles of soju all to myself while you sit there and listen to me talk about my day?”

“...Yes?”

Men are so fucking infuriating sometimes, you can hardly believe it.

“Nope.” You firmly shake your head—plucking the bottle opener he set down on the blanket to pop the caps off. “You’re drinking with me. Just quit driving past the speed limit so we won’t die in a freak accident.” 

You immediately notice the stiffness in his shoulders as you shove the bottle of soju in his hands and part of you feels kind of bad for being pushy. For a moment, you allow yourself to scrutinize him for a bit longer. What could possibly be deterring him from drinking after going out of his way to do all this? 

That’s when you realize he still has his mask on.

Does he…have issues about people seeing his face?

That would definitely explain why he hasn’t once taken it off in all the times you’ve met him so far. With that in mind, you promptly decide to tell him that okay, he doesn’t have to if he really doesn’t want to, but then Woo is already reaching up to peel the blasted face mask off. 

Your chest seizes with panic, hands flying in front of you to keep him from doing something against his will. But the effort is futile because it only takes a second for him to remove and… 

Fuck.

Cue the choir of angels because goddamn does this man look like heaven.

Woo shifts somewhat uncomfortably under your stare, as if he’s waiting for you to blow up all over his face or something. But you’re much too mesmerized by too many things to form any sort of response right away. 

The sharp cut of his jaw. The gentle curve of his Cupid’s bow. The tinge of red spreading across his cheeks.

“I can’t believe you’ve been gatekeeping yourself from me all this time,” you whisper with a strained laugh—purposely peeling your gaze away for the sake of your own sanity. “I knew you were hot, but…God. I hate you.”

“You…don’t recognize me?” 

The question brings you out of your feelings for a moment, making you glance at him with a questioning stare. “Am I supposed to?”

Woo gapes at the question like he didn’t expect that to be your response before shaking his head vigorously. 

“N-No. Anyway, you said I was hot but you hate me?”

You narrow your eyes at him before taking your first swig of soju. “Don’t start getting all cocky with me, mister! I’ve got eyes and I can’t help that you’re objectively attractive. Just stating facts here.”

When Woo smiles for the first time without the figurative cockblock that is his signature black face mask and honestly? If you died right now, you’d die happily. 

The night presses on in a haze of soju, spicy chicken, and the occasional visit from Hani who uses either of your laps as her personal bed for about five minutes before switching to the other person. 

This is the longest you’ve been with Woo and you’re starting to realize that he isn’t much of a talker, which you completely understand. You can’t imagine someone who’s hell-bent on keeping what he looks like a secret for so long being a chatterbox.

“Oh, but you mentioned something to me at the shelter one time,” you pipe up before scooping a forkful of chicken into your mouth. 

“Yeah? What is it?” Woo asks softly as he pets Hani’s back. 

Feeling just a little bit tipsy from the alcohol, you try not to stare too hard at his handsome face or the way his lip curls at the edges with a tiny smile when Hani purrs from his touch.

“You said Hani reminded you of yourself from before,” you whisper as your gaze drifts to his leather-gloved hands. “Is it okay to ask what you meant by that?”

The sound of the river flowing beneath the watchtower fills your ears as you bask in the silence. It’s a pretty personal question. You’d totally get it if he decides not to answer, but you’re much too curious to keep yourself from asking. 

“Well, I wasn’t a stray or anything, but there was a time in my life that I felt so…aimless. I lost someone near and dear to me, and I didn’t know how to deal with it for a very long time.”

Hearing the earnest ring of Woo’s voice, you force yourself to snap out of your subtle inebriation—scooting a little bit closer to him on the blanket to make sure you catch every word. 

“I didn’t get into a life-threatening accident like this one did either, but…” He trails off for a moment, stroking the scar that you know runs along Hani’s sternum but has long healed with his fingers. 

“I managed to get back on track when the people around me showed me their support. They didn’t leave even if all I wanted was to be left alone. If it weren’t for them, it might’ve taken me even longer to move past what happened. Worse, I might not have moved past it at all.

“When I saw Hani that day, she looked scared of all the other cats. Like she wasn’t ready to let anyone get close to her just yet.” Woo breathes deeply before taking a small sip from his bottle. “I guess I was the same way, too. Healing isn’t linear. Sometimes, when I think I’m all better, one day, I just spiral back to where I started in the next one. That’s…kind of where you fit into the picture, actually.”

The brief pause in his story makes you blink at him, surprised. “Me?”

He nods. “You used to feed the strays in your neighborhood, right? You even had a schedule and everything.”

“That was months ago,” you mutter. “You mean you already knew me back then? Because of that?”

“I…actually live in that area, too.” He clears his throat, that familiar blush settling across his cheeks once again. “I often saw you feeding the strays because that’s usually the time I got back from the cemetery. One day, things got a bit too much and I kind of…broke down in the park instead of just doing that at home.”

He says it like he’s embarrassed and now that he mentioned it, you vaguely remember consoling a stranger during your days before volunteering at the shelter. You don’t recall much of it though—just the memory of awkwardly patting his back before sending him off feeling just a bit better because you saw him smile a little.

Other than that, you’re drawing blanks.

“How exactly did I help you, though? If you don’t mind me asking.” 

“I wouldn’t say you helped me or anything, but…” Woo pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose while slyly avoiding your eyes. “I distinctly remember you saying something like—”

Hey, it’s just a bad day. Or a bad week. Or a bad month. I don’t know. But it’s not a bad life. It’ll get better soon. I promise.

Fuck. Maybe you do remember.

“It didn’t really mean much to me at the time. Honestly, it kind of pissed me off at first,” Woo admits with a guilty chuckle before taking another sip. “But you were right. Sometimes, things got worse. Other times, it got better. But one day, I realized that I got to a point where it doesn’t hurt as much anymore.

“I’m not usually this open about my problems, but I learned overtime that talking about them makes them less taxing to deal with. Almost like I’m just talking about the weather, you know?” He smiles softly and you swear your heart melts at the sight of it. “And…I also don’t want to be closed off from others anymore. Back then, I mostly just kept everything to myself—bottling it all up until it was just unbearable.” 

“Now you’re here spilling your guts out to some random college senior,” you snicker before taking another swig of your soju. You pout when you realize the bottle’s all empty before placing it back on the picnic blanket. “That’s some character development.”

“It really is.”

The silence sets once more and your eyes wander off to the city so close yet so far away. The lights from the skyscrapers glimmer like stars across the calm waters of the Han River and you like to think it compensates for the fact that the sky is blocked out by the bridge stretched far and wide above you. 

This isn’t how you imagined your first stargazing date would be like, but it’s a good start.

Although, the moment the idea crosses your mind, you’re quick to jolt at your own thoughts. 

This isn’t a date. You’re just celebrating his birthday together. Alone. On a picnic blanket. With one of the loveliest sceneries you’ve laid your eyes on. In a place where he claims that he never once showed to anyone else. 

“Hey, is this—”

Your breath hitches in your throat when you turn to look at Woo—only to find his face mere inches from yours. 

“What?” he whispers and despite the fact that you’re wearing a sweater, you feel goosebumps rise across the skin of your shoulders. 

“Uh.” Fuck. “Is this a date?”

His mouth curves into a smile that you can’t quite get a read on. “It can be what you want it to be.”

“Okay,” you breathe out, suddenly feeling hot all over as his eyes flicker to your lips. “Just so you know, I don’t kiss on the first date.”

When Woo laughs again, it’s a deep-seated noise that makes your insides tingle with an indescribable feeling. You don’t really want to give it a name.

“Okay,” he repeats before pressing his forehead against yours. “We can have our first date next time then.”

Of course the sly fucker dives in for a kiss anyway.

“H-Hey,” you whisper in between, trying not to get too distracted with how plump his lips are as you keep holding him still by his broad shoulders. “You’re going to end up crushing Hani if you d-don’t cut it out!”

Woo sighs against your lips before pulling away regretfully. For a moment, he stares at the sleepy kitten on his lap, gazing around cluelessly after being roused from slumber. His expression softens for a moment as he scoops her up with both hands, settling her down in the comfort of his gym bag. She lets out a satisfied mewl before curling into a ball once more.

“Better?” 

You’re not sure if he’s asking you or the cat, but…

“Better,” you whisper before fisting the lapels of his jacket and crushing your lips with his.

You don’t know where you’re pulling all this pent-up frustration from. During the very brief period that you’ve gotten closer to Woo, your general opinion about him never really deviated from he’s cute and he’s hot. Nothing more, nothing less.

Yet here you are, gasping into his mouth as he flattens his tongue against yours. A strong arm hooks around your waist, pressing your bodies infinitesimally closer and your skin is slowly hitting a fever pitch beneath your clothes. Something wild and all-consuming burns in your veins and you channel it into a moan that makes his grip on you grow tighter. 

You don’t know how exactly you wound up on top of his lap—knees planted on either side of his hips as he continues devouring you with no intention of leaving anything behind. You can feel the expensive material of his leather gloves when his fingers graze along the hem of your sweater. Your skin tingles like every nerve ending has been set alight and if you weren’t already rendered dizzy by his intoxicating cologne, you’re in for a ride with each second his touch hikes further up your torso.

Woo sighs against your lips before pulling away momentarily—eyes aflame before he removes his fogged up glasses with one hand, tossing them somewhat carelessly on the picnic blanket. 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

Why was that so hot?

You’re too stunned to even draw a breath as he stares you down without the constant partition of his glasses. Has his gaze always been this sharp? Have those eyes always been transfixed on you?

“This…This wasn’t part of the plan, if you’re wondering.” Woo croons out the words huskily. Like an afterthought he only considered out of concern for you. Cute. “I swear I didn’t have any ulterior motives when—”

You giggle, before pressing a kiss on his nose. Woo’s eyes widen just a fraction.

“What made you cave then?” 

The way his Adam’s apple bobs has no right to be that alluring, but it pulls you in anyway. “You looked really cute tonight.”

“Is that all?”

“Um, I thought it was sweet that you still got me a cupcake after you overslept?”

You groan, forehead bumping into the crook of his neck. Jesus Christ, he smells so fucking good. “How long are you going to hold that over my head for?”

You feel the vibrations of his laughter humming against your connected chests and your heart swells as Woo wraps his arms around your frame—pulling you into a firm embrace as the heat that engulfed the both of you slowly simmered into the cool evening air. You can feel him tracing idle shapes along your shoulder blades and the small of your back, and it does nothing to keep you from melting into his touch.

It’s so strange how easily you gave into him. You’ve formally known Woo for about three months and became legitimate friends(?) for less than three weeks. If you told Haewon about this whirlwind romance of yours, she’d hit you upside the head and tell you you’re being way too hasty for a man. 

But if it’s a man with a black kitten taking a nap in his gym bag while he kisses you senseless underneath one of Seoul’s busiest freeways, you suppose you can make an exception.

“We should go,” Woo murmurs softly. “You’ve still got to accompany your sister to the airport right?”

“Mmm. Nope. She’s staying a day longer,” you inform him with the same quiet tone, letting your fingers trail up to his hair so you can toy with the strands in your fingertips. “But I do have some more edits to get over with in my final manuscript, so…yeah. We should go.”

Despite wanting nothing but to stay there in Woo’s little safe haven, the two of you manage to miraculously peel yourselves away from each other. Your face is hot the entire time you helped clean up his little picnic setup. When he shuts off the portable emergency light, you squint as you parse your way through the darkness. 

You kind of end up tripping on air like a complete idiot, but before you can tumble off the rails and into the river, Woo catches you by the waist—not so different from how he held you ten minutes prior.

“Careful,” he mutters as he lets you go and you can’t help but silently mourn the loss of his touch again. “I don’t want to be accused of being a murderer.”

You snicker as he gently scoops Hani out of the gym bag and back into the spacious compartment in the lapel of his leather jacket. For a sleepy kitten, she’s surprisingly compliant. “I actually thought all this time you were some sort of serial killer trying to lure me to my doom.”

“You thought that but you came with me anyway?”

“Why not? You’re hot.”

That night, you let Woo drive you back home now that he’s more or less beaten the serial killer allegations. You tell him that he doesn’t have to walk you to your apartment, but he insists—saying that he can afford to leave Hani on his bike for a few minutes. 

Of course, it ends up with another heated makeout session against your front door. This time, those stupid leather-clad fingers hike high enough on your back to toy with the clasp of your bra while his other hand remains tangled in your hair to pull you impossibly closer.

“I have to go,” he rasps before swiping his tongue along his bottom lip—giving you a sudden itch to sink your teeth into it. “But you’re making it really hard to leave.” 

He’s making it really hard to tell him to go home, too, but as much as you want to kiss the night away, you still have some of your wits about you.

You chuckle as you reluctantly extract his wandering hands away from your body. Woo sighs in surrender with a nearly inaudible laugh.

“You already bent my I don’t kiss on the first date rule, genius,” you remind him breathlessly. “Don’t push your luck just yet until we’ve had that so-called first date next time.” 

He grins. “So there’s going to be a next time?”

Deciding to keep him on his toes, you bat your eyelashes coquettishly at him. “Only if you want to.”

Woo leans in to press his lips against the corner of your mouth—trying his best to suppress the grin on his face. 

“I’ll hold you to it then.”

Despite having lived in Seoul for four years and having a hardcore fangirl for a sister, today’s the first time you’ll be attending the pre-recording session for a music show. 

Needless to say, you feel like an outsider amongst the fans armed with all sorts of idol merchandise and dressed in the prettiest outfits. Haewon managed to mooch a lightstick off one of her friends for you to use, but despite the fact that you know not a single soul would give two shits about you here, the alienating sensation remains. 

“Hey, don’t be too nervous,” your little sister chortles as the marshals usher the crowd into the studio. “All you gotta do is wave that lightstick to the beat. You’ll blend right in, I promise.”

You crack her a nervous smile. Oh, the things you do to make Haewon happy.

It’s a little bit of a blur from there. You squeeze past the throng of fans while simultaneously trying not to lose your sister in the crowd. Some of the staff are handing out photocards that you hear are exclusively given away at this specific broadcast and were worth hundreds of thousands of won. You’re not sure which member Haewon got for you, but knowing your little sister, she must’ve snagged one of Wonwoo’s.

When the two of you are settled in your seats, you take the time to admire the set. You never imagined idol music show stages being this massive in person. In fact, you never really spared an active thought about them. Most of the info you do know about these kinds of things are secondhand accounts from Haewon from all the times she’s been to several broadcasting studios across the city. 

“Did you bring the PC I got you last time?” she asks before taking out the broadcast ones out of their plastic package. 

You shake your head. “Sorry. That Wonwoo’s sitting in a different bag.”

“Well, at least you haven’t sold him,” your little sister laughs before handing you one of the cards in her hands. “I told the staff to give us Mingyu and Wonwoo, but they gave me Hoshi and Wonwoo. It’s okay though, ‘cause Hoshi’s my bias wrecker anyway.”

Ah. More fandom jargon that you’re just now hearing about.

Just as the staff is starting to do the final preparations on stage, you decide to check out the broadcast PC that Haewon just gave to you. When your eyes land on Wonwoo’s face, however, you suddenly feel your blood freeze in your veins. 

You…don’t recognize me?

One of the staff members announces that the boys will be out shortly to begin the pre-recording session but the words are all but muted in your ears. 

Because how the hell can you focus on anything else when the face of the man who drove you back home last night—the man who kissed you until you were lightheaded—is plastered on a photocard that could be exchanged for an entire fortune?

This can’t be right, you muse with a scowl—fishing your phone out of your bag as your trembling fingers make haste to open your messaging app. He can’t be the same guy. 

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [09:35]: Good morning, I hope you got enough rest!

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [09:36]: I have a schedule later this morning so I might be MIA 

Me [09:40]: it’s cool. i just woke up actually hahaha

Me [09:40]: i also don’t mind! i’m heading out with my sister in a while too

Me [09:41]: have fun at work(?)

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [09:45]: Haha I will :) Have fun with your sister!

With a deep breath, you lock your phone just as the lights start to dim and the crowd cheers their hearts out. Haewon urges you to turn on your lightstick and the part of the studio that’s filled to the brim with an audience is lit up with hundreds of dazzling lights.  

You would’ve appreciated the sight if only a certain someone didn’t play you for a fucking fool.

Just as promised, the boys that your little sister has been crazy about since their debut all fill the stage gradually. Some of them greet the fans with wide grins and silly little gestures. The others are a little more reserved with their greetings—all shy smiles and reserved movements.

Like Wonwoo, for example.

After several years of only knowing Mingyu thanks to Haewon, this is the first time you were able to pick out another one of them on stage with ease. Why wouldn’t you be able to recognize him? 

He had you pressed up against your front door only a few hours ago.

It all made sense now. The affinity for keeping a face mask on. The late night visits. The fact that he seems to make an exorbitant amount of money from a job he doesn’t want to disclose.

Woo is Wonwoo from SEVENTEEN. 

And he somehow forgot to let you know over the course of your time together. 

You try to keep down the frustration that burns in your throat, making you feel like the roof of your mouth is stuffed with cotton. It’s much easier to mask your feelings once the performers all get into position and the music starts. The loud beat blaring from the speakers coupled with the well-practiced fanchants from the audience easily overpower the sound of your hitched breathing. Even Haewon was too engrossed with the performance to notice your distress.

Still, there’s not much you can do about it now. Especially when Wonwoo’s the one who starts up the first verse of their newest song. 

He looks so…different from the gentle giant you’ve come to know over the past few weeks. There’s a dangerous look in his eyes that you know is all for show, but it makes your spine tingle at the sight of it nonetheless. The words to the song are raspily sung into the mic and if you weren’t convinced that he and Woo aren’t the same person, you most certainly are now.

After all, it’s his fucking voice that got you so down bad in the first place.

Once his part is done, Wonwoo quickly heads over to the next formation—a complete professional by heart. He belts out each dance move with such perfect precision and you wouldn’t expect any less from an idol who’s spent years honing his talents. But despite how awe-struck you are to see this side of him in person, it just wasn’t enough to completely erase the feeling that you’ve been betrayed.

It stings even more when the song ends and the studio is filled with deafening screams from the audience yet again. For once, Wonwoo’s stoic expression cracks with a handsome grin as he and the rest of his bandmates huddle together and exchange high fives. 

That person on stage is both the man you caught feelings for and a stranger at the same time. He easily smiles at the fans the same way he would smile at you, but the difference between Woo and Wonwoo is that only one of them is willing to show this part of his life to the rest of the world. 

Did he not trust you enough? Did he think you’d act like some crazy fan if he told you the truth?

You love Haewon. You love your little sister more than anything in the world, but you can’t pretend that things are okay when the man who kept you in the dark is standing right in front of you, clueless of the revelation that occurred to you just now.

“Where are you going?” Haewon calls out when you make your way out of the rows of seats—earning yourself a collection of glares from the other fans in the vicinity. “Unnie, hey!”

The last thing you want to do is ditch her for something you promised you’d see through until the end but you’re just so fucking done. You don’t want to see Wonwoo right now. Or hear him and his stupidly perfect voice through the studio’s sound system. 

Right now, you just…want to be alone.

About two weeks after you stormed out of the first and last music show pre-recording you’ll ever attend in your life, things have more or less mellowed out. Sort of.

You’ve been taking fewer and fewer shifts at the shelter as graduation draws ever-so near. But aside from wanting to focus on getting your academic backlogs over with, you also wanted to stay away from the one place that Woo—or should you say Wonwoo—can easily find you and subsequently corner you to talk. Because you don’t want to talk to someone who’s basically been lying to your face the entire time you’ve been friends.

Well, you suppose if you really don’t want to hear even a peep out of him, you should’ve blocked his number altogether. But that’s not really the case.

Your phone buzzes while you’re in the middle of signing off adoption papers to a couple who wanted to adopt one of the shelter cats. You thought it was pretty adorable of them to make that decision since having a pet together is almost as good as having a kid together after all.

Thinking it was from your adviser, you snuck a glance towards the notifications in your homescreen. But when you see a familiar emoji plastered on the sender’s nickname, you’re quick to put it face down on the wooden desk.

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [09:35]: Good morning. Are you at the shelter today? Can I speak to you?

How he has it in him to keep texting you as if you haven’t given him nothing but radio silence for the past two weeks, you’re not sure. Wonwoo must’ve sensed that something was amiss the moment you stopped replying to him altogether, but he never tried to pester you about what was wrong. Instead, he simply continued sending all those messages to check in on you despite the fact that it’s almost as if he’s talking to a wall.

Well, it’s not like you have time to entertain him now anyways. 

“Are you sure she doesn’t have a name yet?” One of your clients—the boyfriend—asks as he smooths down his newly adopted Maine Coon’s fur. 

The girlfriend rolls her eyes. “You heard the nice shelter lady, Vern. This one just wouldn’t respond to any name they tried to give her.”

You agree with a half-hearted laugh, trying your best to ignore the guilt that’s perpetually swelling in your heart the longer you ignore Wonwoo’s pleas. “Yup. Our director said she’s got a bit of an attitude, but I think she just has high standards.”

Vern the Boyfriend makes a funny face at that. “So you’re saying that she doesn’t like the names she’s been given so far?”

“Mhmm. We tried Cupcake, Winter, Princess, and Lily, but she liked none of those. Try naming her something fancy. ”

“Chairman Meow?”

“Vern.” 

“What? You gotta admit it’s funny, Sohee.”

Sohee the Girlfriend rolls her eyes. “Yes, but it’s an overused pun now! Think of something else.”

“Hmm. How about…Milana?”

“Is that because Seokmin wouldn’t shut up about his trip to Milan?”

“Ugh, yeah. Two months later and he still won’t stop talking about—”

“The gorgonzola he had for dinner the night before he flew back to Korea. I know. You won’t stop talking about it either.”

“Hey, Seokmin-hyung pays great attention to detail when it comes to food. You can’t help but want it, too.”

As you observe the friendly banter between the couple, you can’t help the smile that spreads across your face. You don’t come across two people who complement each other as well as they do, and from the curious glint in their newly adopted cat’s eyes, you think she likes being in their company as well.

“Fine, let’s test it out first,” Sohee huffs before scratching behind the Maine Coon’s ears. “We’re going to call you Milana. Does that sound good to you?”

When the cat nuzzles her hand with a pleased meow, Sohee and Vern turn to glance at each other at the same time—two matching smiles plastered on their faces.

God. You can only wish to have what they do.

Once the rest of the documents have been finalized, you and Mina—who just got back from updating the vaccination records for all the animals in the shelter—see your most recent clients off. Vern the Boyfriend, Sohee the Girlfriend, and Milana the Child are off to the streets to start the next chapter of their lives or whatever.

When the door to the front entrance clicks shut, you let out the longest, deepest sigh known to mankind. Your coworker stifles a laugh.

“Looks like someone’s jealous,” Mina comments. 

You whine. “How could I not be jealous of that? They’re so in love, it’s sickening. They even got a kid together!” 

“You know, you could easily have that too if you just stopped avoiding—”

“Oh, look at the time!” You interrupt her a little too theatrically, stomping off to the direction of the break room. “Gotta go meet my thesis adviser. Kino and the other volunteers should show up in the next hour, though!”

You don’t catch the frustrated look on Mina’s face as you make a hasty retreat, but it doesn’t make you any less guilty about trying to skirt around the topic every chance you get. Mina’s always had your back during these past two weeks. Though you never told her why you’re avoiding your not-so-quote-unquote crush like the plague, she’d always come up with excuses and alibis to throw him off your trail. 

Which, coincidentally, happens again just as you’re changing out of your uniform.

“I don’t suppose you’re looking for a sibling for Hani?” you hear Mina sigh from outside.

The person she’s talking to laughs softly. “No. I think you know why I’m here again.”

God. That fucking voice.

“Well, again, she’s not here,” your coworker bluffs. “And uh, word of advice, I get that you’re hot shit and all, but if you keep trying to bother my friend who, for some reason, doesn’t want anything to do with you, I might have to call the authorities.”

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second.

That’s a little too different from the typical ‘oh I’m sure she’ll come around one of these days’ spiel that Mina always feeds to Wonwoo every time he visits. Sure, you’re not yet ready to face him yet after everything that’s happened, but it’s not like you want him thrown in jail—

“Uh, right. I get it,” he says awkwardly, clearing his throat in the process. “It’s just that she hasn’t spoken to me in days and I’m a little worried—”

“That’s clearly a sign for you to back off, buddy.” You can almost see Mina with her arms crossed, rolling her eyes. “I’ve been keeping myself from saying anything about it, but I’ve always found it strange how often you visit a goddamn animal shelter. And now that she’s clearly avoiding you, you’re still trying to corner her? Are you a stalker or something?”

Fuck. This isn’t how the conversation is supposed to go! 

Mina’s job is to just politely drive Wonwoo away so you can slip out of the building without having to talk to him. But your coworker must’ve misinterpreted your persistent reluctance to meet him as genuine fear and…while you’re glad you have a friend who looks out for you like that, she’s going about all of this the wrong way!

Wonwoo doesn’t speak for a long time and your heart squeezes at the notion that he’s been called all those harsh words when all he wanted to do was talk to you. You didn’t even give him any reasons as to why you suddenly decided to cut him off. But instead of marching out there to face him and clear the air yourself…

You stay hidden in the break room like a fucking coward.

“I understand why you’d assume that, but I don’t have any ill intentions—”

“That's exactly what a guy with ill intentions would say,” Mina scoffs. “Do both of us a favor and just leave, yeah? And stop trying to contact her when she obviously wants nothing to do with you anymore.”

The silence hangs thick from outside and despite being in the break room, you swear you can almost choke on it yourself. 

You’re not sure what expression Wonwoo is wearing. Actually, you don’t even know him well enough to know those kinds of things. The most you’ve seen of his face was during that quiet night you spent together two weeks ago and you’ve severed contact with him all because of something that he probably could have explained if only you gave him the chance to.

“Okay,” he whispers so softly, you almost don’t catch it. “Thanks for your time.”

Fortunately, Mina doesn’t try to add any more fuel to the fire. All you hear is the sound of retreating footsteps and the sound of the front door clicking shut. 

It’s only when your coworker pokes her head inside the break room that you realize you’ve been holding your breath.

“He’s gone now,” she murmurs with a comforting smile. “And if he doesn’t stop bothering you even after that, I’ll raise the complaint to the director himself. I’m sure he can pull some legal strings to keep that guy out of the area for good.”

You find it kind of ironic that a few minutes ago, Mina was teasing you about him and now things have escalated into restraining order territory. But you can’t really blame her for it.

Especially when you’ve done nothing to clear up the misunderstanding.

“Right. Thanks, Mina.” You manage a thin smile, fingers absentmindedly drifting to the black cat enamel you still pinned to your uniform’s chest pocket.

“I really appreciate it.”

Haewon 🪷 [10:30]: Unnie hiii

Haewon 🪷 [10:33]: Can you call me as soon as you read this? Xoxo

You get to check Haewon’s message three hours late because finally, finally you’ve managed to defend your thesis after innumerable sleepless nights and neverending changes to your manuscript draft. Your panelists and advisers had nothing but praises to sing about your work—even going as far as to promise that your paper will definitely be published in the next volume of the academic journal you’d been secretly hoping it’ll get selected for. 

It’s still surreal that the only thing you’ve got left on your university to-do list is to attend the commencement rites scheduled in three weeks’ time. Four grueling years have really just gone by in a flash. 

After enjoying one of your last lunch breaks in the quad with some old classmates who’ve also conquered the figurative beast that is their undergrad thesis, you excuse yourself for a while to give your little sister a ring. Haewon picks up on the second ring. 

“About time you called,” she huffs. “I thought you were sleeping in the day again.”

You shake your head with a laugh despite the fact that she can’t see the gesture. “No more sleeping in the day for me ‘cause I’m graduating.”

Haewon gasps—loud enough to create static across the line. “Really? Oh my god. That’s good news then! Mom and dad were actually getting worried about you, you know? You’ve been throwing yourself into that stupid thesis of yours for a month now.” 

It takes a while for you to formulate a response, something akin to guilt creeping into your heart at the prospect of worrying your parents sick. But then again, what’s done is done. You can catch up on the several hours of sleep and countless brain cells you’ve lost trying to make your final manuscript actually make sense.

“It’s all good now,” you reassure. “All you guys have to do now is fly over to Seoul for my graduation and I can pack my bags and go back to the countryside as soon as I can.” 

You half-expect Haewon to laugh off your haste to travel back to your hometown and say something about how you’re better off in the city than this old dump. 

But you’re met with silence instead.

“Um,” she starts nervously after a few moments. “I know most of the stuff that’s been stressing you out is gone now, but… Are you sure you’re okay?”

The question makes you swallow thickly. “Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Unnie, I’m your sister,” Haewon says a-matter-of-factly and you can almost picture her scowling at you. “We both know you’ve been acting really weird ever since the pre-recording. I couldn’t pester you about it ‘cause I had to go back home the next day. And I didn’t want to bother you while you were finishing up your thesis.

“So now that all those obstacles are out of the way, do you mind telling me what’s wrong?”

The sound of the other students milling around the quad rings in your ears as you process Haewon’s words. When you take a deep breath, the exhale is accompanied by defeated laughter.

You’re an idiot to think you could ever escape your little sister’s scrutiny.

“I know you’re going to give me shit if I say it’s nothing you should worry about—”

“You’re right,” she interjects. “I will give you shit.”

“—but it really is nothing you should worry about,” you continue anyway, toying with the hem of your sweater with a wistful sigh. “Long story short, it’s…boy problems. Boy problems that I’ve ignored long enough that they just went away all on their own.”

At the other line, Haewon makes a strangled noise as if that’s not the answer she was expecting. “Come again?”

“Yeah, Hae. Your big sister actually has boy problems,” you chortle. “Weird, right?”

“Yes and you didn’t even bother telling me about it at all?!” She crows angrily. “You have to give me the gist or I’m hanging up and booking the next flight to Seoul.” 

For a moment, you hesitate and give yourself a moment to think about what you can and can’t tell Haewon over a phone call when she’s a whole plane ride away from you. 

She absolutely cannot know that the boy in question is Wonwoo. You’ll probably spend more time trying to convince her that what you’re saying is true than avoiding a pity party. So instead, you tell her:

“Well, this boy and I had…something good going for us, I think. I like him, you know—really, really like him. But then one day, I found out that he’s been keeping this important thing about himself from me.” A sigh. “Like, I know some stuff is none of my business, but it’s so easy for him to let others know about that…that thing, yet somehow he never bothered to tell me. I couldn’t help but feel like he didn’t trust me enough.”

Surprisingly, Haewon lets out a hum of understanding. “Yeah, that’s kind of a dick move on his part. Did you confront him about it?”

You find yourself tongue-tied for a moment—a bit embarrassed to admit to your little sister that you chose the coward’s way out of this. 

“Um, that’s the thing. I kind of ghosted him when I found out,” you tell her sheepishly. “I don’t think he knows the reason why I suddenly just dipped to this day. Haven’t spoken to him in…two months.” 

“Uh-huh. So all this time, you’ve been burying your guilt in schoolwork. Is that it?”

The straightforward tone catches you off guard for a second. “That’s not—”

“Unnie,” Haewon calls out firmly, making you close your mouth. “Again, I’m your sister. I know things about you that others don’t—things that you don’t either, probably. And trust me when I say this, but you are not the confrontational type. Don’t worry though because it’s perfectly fine to avoid the things you don’t want to deal with. Especially if you’re dealing with a person that’s more trouble than they’re worth.

“But…you said that you really, really like him. Present tense.” She pauses briefly, as if letting you digest what she’s saying a little better. “If the circumstances were even slightly different, I would’ve cheered you on for ghosting someone who hasn’t been one hundred percent honest with you because, duh? Deserved. But from the way you’ve been coping with what happened, I can’t help but think that avoiding him like this isn’t what you wanted to do at all.” 

Haewon’s words flow from the speaker and lance straight through your heart, and you start to wonder when she started sounding so reliable. You’re used to looking out for her even with the distance separating you. But ironically, it’s in your last year of college that your sister effortlessly dissected the dilemma that’s been plaguing you for weeks.

“Look, I think you’ll feel much better about all this if you just talk to him,” she continues when you don’t utter a word in response. “Not that I’m siding with some semi-lying jerk, but maybe he had his reasons for hiding…whatever he was hiding from you? If he gives you a bullshit excuse, then at least the ghosting will finally be justified, right?”

Her frankness makes you snort. “I guess.”

“Good. Now hang up and call him now.”

“...What?” 

“You heard me.”

“Haewon, I can’t just call him out of nowhere after ignoring him for so long.”

“Pfft. Of course you can! If he doesn’t answer, then that still justifies the ghosting because he obviously doesn’t want you enough. Men like that don’t deserve you, unnie.”

“...Fine. Point taken.”

You end the call after Haewon makes you swear to keep her posted about the situation and your love life in general from now on. Sighing, you reluctantly scroll through your messaging app—finding a conversation that’s long been buried by more recent texts from other people after he sent his final messages to you.

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [02:35]: It’s been three weeks since you last replied. Hope you’re doing okay. 

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [02:36]: Mina told me that you wanted nothing to do with me anymore but I really don’t understand why because…aren’t we good? Didn’t we have something back there? Or was I just reading you wrong the whole time?

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [02:55]: Either way, she was right about one thing at least. I’ve probably made you uncomfortable with my texts. Kind of pathetic now that I think about it. 

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [03:01]: I’m sorry for constantly bothering you like this. It’s just that…I want to know what went wrong.

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [03:05]: It’s getting harder for me to sleep at night knowing I fucked up something that could’ve been the start of something nice. I was already planning our first date, you know?

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [03:10]: Fuck. Now it just sounds like I’m gaslighting haha.

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [03:17]: Maybe I am. Maybe I’m not. I don’t even know anymore.

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [04:25]: What I do know is that I miss you. So much.

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [10:05]: Uh. Sorry about all of that. I had a few drinks and…you know how it goes.

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [10:12]: I’ll stop texting you for real now. 

Woo 🐈‍⬛ [10:15]: I hope your studies go well. Thank you for being part of my life, no matter how short our time together was.

Fuck. 

This is going to be much more difficult than you thought.

You don’t really blame yourself when it takes you a few days to decide whether or not you should call Wonwoo. The choice has been weighing on you like a cloud above your head and you had to decline several invites to go out from your friends because you simply cannot sit still, knowing that you have to do something about…whatever’s going on with the two of you.

Part of you insists on just leaving it as it is. Wonwoo is an idol that’s almost a decade into his career and you’re much too certain that he’s met enough people in his life to deem the loss of your company specifically a big deal. He has his members, his fans, and anything else a person could ever want.

So what if some college senior he doesn’t even know that well just ghosted him out of nowhere?

But even with that logic, you still end up holding your breath before pressing the call button one Tuesday afternoon. 

There are a total of five attempts made and all five lead you straight to voicemail—each instance making your heart grow heavier and heavier once the prerecorded message comes to an end. You secretly fear that he must’ve blocked your number altogether. Why wouldn’t he after you’ve wasted his time as much as you did?

Others would’ve considered this as a sign to just give up. The universe is basically telling you that the brief time you shared together would yield nothing more. Wonwoo has his own career to worry about and as do you, now that you’re finally going to be ejected from university and into the life of an unemployed fresh grad. You’re better off not chasing after the things you’ve purposely run away from in the first place.

So why on earth are you looking up the exact address of his company building, making the long commute for the slim chance of running into him against all odds?

The security around the area might look lax but you can spot the assortment of security guards stationed both inside and outside of the company building pretty easily. Given the nature of the business they’re running, it would make sense that they’d put up all possible countermeasures against people who might try to inconvenience their artists in any way.

Not wanting to be branded as a crazed fan, you decide to keep your distance—purposely lingering outside the shopping center just across the street as you brainstorm how exactly you’re going to meet up with Wonwoo. 

But as the minutes ticked past, your sense of reason is starting to overpower your desire to clear things up with him. For one, you don’t even know what his schedule looks like. How can you be so sure that he’ll even be there today? Worse, would Wonwoo even want to speak with you after everything? Despite having kept the fact that he’s an idol a secret to you all this time, he has all the right to refuse speaking with you when you never even gave him a chance to explain himself.

The noise of the busy district fades in the background as your eyes fall to Wonwoo’s final text message. You haven’t even thought of texting him since you considered reaching out. But with the fact that your earlier phone calls didn’t go through, you don’t think you can bear seeing your apologetic messages get denied in the very real chance that he’s blacklisted your number altogether.

God. You feel so pathetic.

“Hey, it’s you!”

You immediately blanche at the feeling of someone placing a hand on your shoulder—turning around to see who it is only to be met with the sight of two familiar faces.

“Oh,” you voice out somewhat dumbly. “Miss…Sohee? And Vern?”

The couple who adopted a cat from the shelter flashes you pretty smiles, the two of them carrying grocery bags in each arm. Sohee perks up when you recognize them. “Yup! I didn’t expect to see the nice shelter lady around these parts. What brings you here?”

“Just…stuff.” The laugh you spare them is a little too forced, but if they notice, they don’t comment on it. “How about you guys? How has Milana been?”

“Feels right at home in either of our apartments,” Vern chuckles. “You were right about her having high standards. We always end up doing our grocery shopping here instead of the supermarket near my place ‘cause Lana refuses to eat any of the cheap cat food being sold there.”

Sohee sighs in agreement. “Mhmm. You wouldn’t even think she was a rescue with how high maintenance she is, but we’re idiots that dote on her all the time. It’s just a good thing we work right across the street from here.”

Feeling endeared with how much they spoil their new child aside, the latter part of Sohee’s statement catches your attention for a moment. “Sorry? You work right across the street?”

The moment the words leave your lips, the charming smiles on their faces falter before the couple before you share a look. A brief moment of telepathic communication must’ve occurred between the both of them, as if wordlessly discussing whether they should respond, but in the end Sohee relents.

“Yeah. Vern and I work at HYBE,” she chuckles. “I’m actually surprised you don’t recognize him, since he’s—”

“A very loyal employee that the nice shelter lady can’t possibly recognize,” Vern interjects with a cough into his fist and the immediate reaction makes it easier to put two and two together.

He’s an idol. One hundred percent an idol.

Deciding to play along, you offer up a nod in understanding. “I see. Guess you guys are heading back for the day?”

“Yep. We had one of the other members—uh, I mean, one of our friends look after Milana while we had our grocery run,” Vern explains not-so-smoothly.

“As much as we’d like to stay and chat for a while longer, our baby kind of needs us,” Sohee tells you with an apologetic look. “I hope things at the shelter are running smoothly! We’ve seen how dedicated you guys are to taking care of those poor animals.”

You nod. “Of course. I’ll see you guys around?”

“Anytime!”

You and the beautiful couple exchange quaint bows in farewell before the two of them start walking away. But with each footstep that they take further and further away from you, the itch to run after them and ask what you’ve been dying to when they said they both worked at HYBE grows all the more unbearable.

Cut it out, you mentally hiss at yourself. You can’t bother other people about your issues with Wonwoo. That’s just a whole new low. 

You should’ve just gone the opposite direction when the conversation ended. You should’ve just directed yourself to the nearest bus stop back to your apartment—buried all of this in the past where it belongs.

But it’s as if your body has a mind of its own. The next thing you know, you’re sprinting towards Sohee and Vern before they could cross the next intersection—surprising the couple with your sudden re-entry.

“Did you need something?” Sohee asks, accommodating and confused all at once.

Now or never.

“Yes, actually,” you dole out breathlessly, pursing your lips before adding:

“Do you guys know where Wonwoo is?”

Out of all the ways you thought this day could turn out, you never would’ve imagined being in the backseat of one of HYBE’s music producers—breezing through the city’s freeway as she interrogates you about just how exactly you know Jeon Wonwoo.

“So you’re the reason he’s being so off lately,” Sohee chuckles before switching lanes. “Wonwoo’s always been the quiet type, but sometimes you can just tell when there’s a lot on his mind. Isn’t that right, Vernon?”

Vernon, who you come to realize is part of the same group as Wonwoo, glances at you from the rearview mirror with a shake of his head. “I can vouch. Wonwoo-hyung’s been working on sharing stuff with us, but of course there’s still some things he’d like to keep to himself.”

I also don’t want to be closed off from others anymore. Back then, I mostly just kept everything to myself—bottling it all up until it was just unbearable.

Great. Now you feel twice as horrible.

“Honestly, I was kind of scared that you guys would think I’m a sasaeng,” you admit with a dry laugh before settling further into the car’s plush upholstery. 

“While we have no reason not to think that with all the weirdos popping up these days,” Sohee starts before her lips curve into a smile, “it just so happens that Soonyoung also can’t keep his mouth shut about Wonwoo’s little crush.”

That makes your face heat up a little. “Soonyoung like…Wonwoo’s friend?”

“You might know him better as Hoshi,” Vernon explains. 

Hoshi, Hoshi, Hoshi…

You snap your fingers once you figure it out. “Yeah. He’s my sister’s bias wrecker.”

“Now we learn that your sister is a fan, too? Huh. Small world.”

“Anyway,” Sohee interjects. “The reason why we believed your explanation was because Soonyoung described Wonwoo’s crush as an animal lover. He’s not so much of a blabbermouth that he gave us more details aside from that, but Vernon here told me about how Wonwoo always comes late to their unit meetings because he keeps making all these detours first.”

Vernon stifles a laugh. “I actually found out about the shelter because Coups-hyung insisted that we follow him around to figure out where he’s been going. It didn’t occur to me at the time that his animal lover crush and the nice shelter lady could be the same person.”

At this point, you can honestly get used to being called a nice shelter lady. But that aside, you can’t help but flush even further at all the things being revealed to you right now. 

It’s…a lot to unpack. 

First, Wonwoo has a crush on you? A complete nobody? Then again, from how often he’s been seeking you out before things went to shit, you could infer that he’s at least a little bit interested from how he kept going out of his way to see you. He’s even late to meetings because of his little visits. This so-called crush was quite obvious, you just don’t like how flustered hearing it out loud makes you feel.

“But then Wonwoo-hyung just started showing up on time to our meetings during our comeback promotions,” Vernon continues. “We were glad we didn’t have to keep waiting for him to start, but…we also noticed that he’s been kind of down lately. The first time it happened, I assumed it was just an off day for him, though now that we met you like this, that’s definitely not the case.”

Wonwoo’s been feeling down? Because of you?

If the roles were reversed, you can say that you’d feel the same if he just stopped talking to you when you thought you were already growing closer. It doesn’t help that the last time you were together, you shared far too many kisses that mere friends should indulge each other with. 

You sigh, leaning your head against the headrest.

You’re such an idiot. A selfish, inconsiderate—

“Well, here we are.”

When the car pulls over, you don’t even realize that Sohee already left the freeway and drove into one of the roads overlooking the Han River. You can barely keep yourself from choking on your own breath when you spot a very familiar motorcycle parked in front of the vehicle. It doesn’t help that Sohee pulled over a certain spot underneath the elevated highway that you’re very much certain you’ve already been to once before.

“Hyung doesn’t know that we know about this place. He never brings anyone else here,” Vernon informs you with a small smile. “From the look on your face, we can assume that he’s already brought you here though, right?”

You can’t even deny it at this point. “Yeah…”

Sohee moves to unlock the doors before glancing behind the driver’s seat with an encouraging look. “Well, how about you clear things upso we can start going on double dates and stuff.”

“Sohee,” her boyfriend groans.

“What? I think it’d be a great idea.” She pouts. “We can even rope Nari and Mingyu into tagging along. Then it’ll be a triple date.”

“What she means to say is,” Vernon cuts in before Sohee can get another word out. “No pressure. You go sort out the stuff you need to with Wonwoo-hyung. I’m sure the two of you can make the best decision for each other once you get to talk properly.”

The best decision, huh…

Your new friends watch you with wordless encouragement as you open the door to your left, letting out a long-winded breath so you wouldn’t be too psyched out by the circumstances. You thank them both with a subtle nod as you gather enough courage to see the person you’ve been longing to meet again for a while now.

Now or never, you repeat to yourself before finally stepping out of the car.

Wonwoo’s thinking spot looks much different in the day than it does at night.

You had a pretty hard time navigating the short terrain from the road to the old, weathered steps of the watchtower because of the lack of proper illumination. If it weren’t for Wonwoo guiding you the entire time, you would’ve face planted into the pebbled pathway on the first few steps. 

The sun is already setting when you make it to your destination—red orange rays splintering through the high rise buildings on the other side of the river bank. It’s not difficult to spot Wonwoo’s tall figure leaning across the rusty railing of the watchtower, a gentle smile gracing his handsome face as he plays with the growing kitten in his arms. 

He doesn’t notice you at the foot of the concrete steps right away, too engrossed with playing with Hani to take in the rest of his surroundings. But the longer you watch them from afar, the more your chest twists with guilt.

All this time, you never really thought about how Wonwoo must’ve been faring since you ghosted him. You merely assumed that he’d still be living his best life despite what happened between the two of you. The thought that he’ll still be better off without you in his life spurred you on to solely focus on the things you’ve got going on your end. You didn’t consider just how your actions would affect him. Not even once. 

But now, despite having such an adorable cat to keep him company, it isn’t hard to tell that he’s not in the most stellar of moods.

It’s not like you’ve seen Wonwoo smile a lot when you still knew him as Woo—no thanks to his silly little face masks. But you always liked how his eyes crinkled behind his glasses whenever you said something he finds funny or amusing. The easygoing body language he always seemed to have around you.

There’s none of that now.

“Wonwoo.”

He visibly stiffens at the sound of someone calling his name. Cautiously, Wonwoo tucks Hani closer to his chest—glancing around for anyone who could have infiltrated his safe haven.

When his eyes land on you, you can almost hear his breath hitch from where you’re standing.

Seeing no indication that he doesn’t want you here, you swallow the lump in your throat before climbing up the stairs. Each step you take is familiar yet foreign at the same time and you can hear your heart pounding in your ears the closer you get to him. The startled expression on Wonwoo’s face doesn’t falter even when you’re mere feet in front of him on top of the watchtower—like he’s having a hard time grasping your existence.

Hani, however, doesn’t seem all that fazed. The black kitten mewls in delight at the sight of you, squirming around in Wonwoo’s arms, which seems to snap her owner out of his stupor.

His throat bobs. “You know my name.”

You laugh softly. “It isn’t hard to figure it out when you’re as famous as you are.”

Silence permeates the air by the riverside as Wonwoo processes the words you just told him. He sucks in a breath through his teeth, hands absentmindedly running across Hani’s fur.

“So that’s why,” he chuckles with a shake of his head. “I should’ve known…”

You mirror the gesture somewhat vigorously, your throat closing up from all the things you want to say. He doesn’t deserve to be left hanging all because of that stupid reason alone. He doesn’t deserve those hurtful words from Mina.

Most of all, he doesn’t deserve to feel this shitty all because you were too much of a coward to communicate with him.

“I’m sorry.” 

He startles at your apology—obviously not expecting that to be the first thing you say to him after two months of radio silence. “W-Why are you sorry? I should be—”

“It was unfair of me to just ghost you like that when you haven’t explained yourself,” you murmur, tucking your hands behind your back as you stare down at your shoes in shame. “I’m sure you had your reasons for not telling me right away, but… I selfishly thought you didn’t trust me enough to let me know.”

“No,” he quickly clarifies. “It’s not like that at all. I trust you—so much.”

“I know,” you sigh. “It took me a while, but I realized that along the way. The last time we were here, you entrusted me with the story of how you coped with losing someone. You entrusted me with your thoughts, your feelings, your secrets. And I took all that for granted because you didn’t tell me you were an idol.”

Wonwoo falls silent for only a moment as if considering what words to say next. Hani seems to sense his distress, cuddling up to his chest in an attempt to soothe him. He notices what she’s doing right away and Wonwoo scratches behind her ears with a breathless chuckle.

“If it’s any consolation, I didn’t plan on hiding it forever. I knew you would find out eventually—just not as soon as you did,” he murmurs. “It was also unfair of me to take advantage of the fact that you didn’t know me as Wonwoo. But…I wanted to keep my career out of the equation first because it’s nice being treated like a normal person. You never put me on a pedestal or looked at me like I was some sort of god.

“You treated me like I was human.”

This time, you’re the one who’s at a loss for words. 

Having Haewon as a sister, you have this preconceived notion about idols where they have the world in the palm of their hands. You thought for the longest time that all they had to do was go up the stage to sing and dance and look beautiful and the rest will follow. 

Hearing Wonwoo tell you this easily subverted all those assumptions. 

You’ve never been good at telling people the things they need to hear. That’s Haewon’s area of expertise, not yours. So instead of offering up any words of comfort, you quickly close the distance that’s been keeping you apart to throw your arms around his broad shoulders.

Wonwoo freezes up when you pull him into a hug and he loathes the fact that he can’t even reciprocate it given that he has his hands full. It’s kind of adorable how careful you’re being to make sure you don’t accidentally squish Hani between your bodies. 

Suddenly, all that heaviness that’s been lingering in his heart for weeks dissipates in a flash. Wonwoo relishes in the feeling of your warmth seeping into his, resting his forehead on your shoulder as he holds back his emotions.

“Can we start over again?” you murmur. “We still haven’t had our first date, right?”

When you feel the sound of his laughter rumbling in his chest, you can’t help the goosebumps that rise across your skin. “Wow. I didn’t expect you to forgive me that fast.”

Pulling away for a moment, you shoot him a dirty look. “Jeon Wonwoo, are you saying I’m easy?”

“Not at all.” Wonwoo grins and you can barely look at him without recoiling at how good he looks. 

His hair has grown much longer than you remember and seeing the smile that oh-so easily hooked you in deeper than you already were, you already know that you can’t ever hope to put up a fight. 

Not when he’s so love-of-your-life-shaped.

“Since we’re at the point of catching up, I’m actually graduating in three weeks.”

Wonwoo sharply turns to look at you with a scowl as he puts Hani in a little cat backpack he got for her. “Three weeks? Shit… I think we’re going to have a concert at that time.”

You wave away his concern with a smile. “I didn’t mean I was expecting you to show up at the venue, doofus. Can’t have any weird rumors about you going around by attending my graduation.”

“Rumors about what?” he challenges.

“You know.”

“I actually don’t.”

“We just made up ten minutes ago, Do you really want me to bail on you again?”

“Hey, I just thought that if you ever want to spark some dating rumors, we can make it happen any time.” 

“We’re not even dating!”

“Not yet.”

“What?”

“It’s just like you said—I still owe you that first date, don’t I?”

“...Have I told you that you’re insufferable?”

“I’m actually surprised you didn’t start calling me that when I kept visiting the shelter too often to be considered normal.”

“That reminds me, why were you visiting the shelter so much?”

When Wonwoo hands you Hani’s cat backpack, you take it as an invitation to hitch a ride on his motorcycle. After all, it would be uncomfortable to have it sitting between the two of you. However, he takes you completely by surprise by answering you with:

“I like you. That’s why.”

It takes you about five whole seconds to recover from what he just said but it’s five seconds too late because Wonwoo is already chuckling to himself as if he deserves to have the last laugh.

“You’re lucky that I like you too,” you mumble as you carefully hop on his ride—sitting comfortably behind him while making sure Hani is strapped securely behind you. “If I didn’t, Mina would’ve made our boss file a restraining order against you.”

Wonwoo hands you a spare helmet before putting on his own, laughing again as he clicks the lock in place. “Dating rumors and stalking rumors? Being with you sounds like such a big hassle now.”

“Are we going on that first date or not?!”

Two months after graduating and four weeks into officially dating Jeon Wonwoo, you find out the real reason he was taking so damn long to make up his mind about adopting Hani.

The landlord doesn’t prohibit pets—he loves them, actually. 

His dog, Seol, is a little shy, but she gets along with Hani just fine.

But then his old roommate, Mingyu, dropped by to visit Wonwoo’s apartment one day, sneezing all over the place like it’s pollen season. Except the pollen in question is cat fur and it just so happens that he didn’t bring any of his allergy meds for the trip.

“As much as I want to cuddle on the couch catching up on the Marvel Cinematic Universe with you guys, I gotta go,” Mingyu explains while blowing his nose into a tissue. “I’ll die if I spend even a second longer here.”

Wonwoo throws a piece of popcorn at him. “Didn’t you say that you’re going on a date with Nari?”

“Oh. That, too.”

“If she finds out that you just remembered as an afterthought, she’s going to kill you,” you tease while shoving a handful of your movie snacks into your mouth. “At least, that’s what I’d do if Wonwoo did the same thing.”

“Oh, she will. That’s why neither of you are going to tattle on me,” the beefy idol huffs before tossing the soiled tissue in the trash bin. “Anyway, Wonwoo-hyung, you should totally keep in touch with this pet sitter that Seungcheol-hyung discovered recently. A bunch of other artists leave their pets with her whenever they have tight schedules.”

Your boyfriend merely looks at him with an unimpressed look. “Are you saying that just so I can leave Hani there when you come over to play video games with me?”

“Yes.”

Mingyu leaves shortly after receiving a phone call from his girlfriend, Nari, who sounded nothing short of furious when she asked where on earth he is and why he’s late for their date again. Wonwoo tells you that his best friend has a thing for pissing off Nari just so he has an excuse to do grand gestures for her without his girlfriend complaining about it. You tell him that he should start doing the same too.

“By the way, you’re flying back to Jeju for a while, right?” Wonwoo asks once the credits start rolling in the film playing on his TV—the loose grip he has around your waist tightening ever-so slightly.

You shift your weight on the couch to cuddle closer to him. “Yeah. I haven’t seen my parents and Haewon since I graduated. Plus, I don’t have to start working until next month, so I can afford a last-minute getaway.”

He nods. “I still think it’s funny you haven’t told your sister about me. Are you ashamed of me or something?”

“Quit saying weird stuff, Jeon Wonwoo,” you huff before hitting him in the chest. Damn those firm pecs. “I just want to see the look on her face when she finds out I’m dating the person she ships with Mingyu for fun.”

“And I still can’t believe my future sister-in-law is a Gyuldaengie.”

You try not to think about how he said Haewon is his future in-law. You really do.

Once the last of the end credits pans on-screen, the bonus scene at the end of every Marvel movie starts playing and you can’t help but snort when Eddy gets snapped back to his own universe before he can even pay off his tab to the bartender. Just when you’re about to ask Wonwoo if he wants to watch the next movie, you realize he’s had his eyes on you the entire time.

“What?” you laugh.

“Nothing,” he whispers. “I just thought you were really pretty.”

“Wonwoo, you tell me that every thirty minutes. Don’t you get tired of it?”

You yelp when he abruptly pulls you onto his lap, steadying you by the hips so you wouldn’t accidentally topple to the floor. He flashes you a lazy grin as he traces circles along the curve of your thighs and you can barely suppress a groan when you look down at him.

He might look like some otherworldly creature every time he kills it on stage, but you love this Wonwoo just the same—dressed down with his glasses sitting all crooked on the bridge of his nose, hair falling across his eyes. 

“Never,” he says simply. 

There’s something oddly sensual about the way he says it and at that moment, you catch on to the half-lidded look in his eyes. You gulp, gaze instinctively wandering around his apartment to look for Hani and Seol, who you spot dozing next to each other in the kitchen. 

Now that you’re sure none of the kids are watching, you let out a defeated sigh before lacing your arms around his neck and leaning down to kiss him.

Wonwoo is a guy you caved and kissed before the first date, so it’s pretty natural for the two of you to fall into this degree of intimacy every now and again. His effect on you is especially lethal whenever you spend several days apart because of the nature of his career. 

But even if you’re yet to cross that line with your boyfriend, the possibility of it finally coming into fruition becomes more and more real every time his hot tongue slides against yours. 

“Won…woo—” you gasp when you feel his cold fingers sneak up your shirt, hands firmly grabbing your waist to keep you in place. 

Your boyfriend chuckles and the low vibrations that come from his chest shoot straight to your core. “I know tonight was supposed to be movie night, but you’re making it really hard to keep my hands off of you.” 

“That’s what you say all the time,” you groan as he takes your bottom lip between his teeth and tugs. Fuck. “Always blaming me for your lack of self-control.”

“I can’t help it when you’re so fucking beautiful,” he murmurs against your lips before tugging you back down for another heated kiss.

You’ve fooled around with Wonwoo a handful of times and during said times, you’ve gotten an idea of how…into it he gets when pleasuring you. It’s almost as if he delights in seeing you come undone for him even if it’s just with his mouth and fingers. 

It’s during those moments that you can’t help but imagine how he would be once the two of you finally take things all the way. But for all your teasing about how he has questionable self-control, Wonwoo has done nothing but respect the boundaries you’ve clearly set when you started dating. 

“Fuck,” he rasps when he pulls away briefly, resting his head against the cushions of the sofa as he closes his eyes. “Baby, we’ve gotta stop or else I might just cave and fuck you.”

You simper. “You’re the one who started this.”

“Yeah, and that’s why I’m putting a stop to it before I end up doing something you don’t like!”

You shift around on his lap for a moment and Wonwoo is convinced that you’ll give him some reprieve and get off of him before he loses his mind. But then he realizes you’re grinding your hips against the hard-on he’s sporting in his sweats. 

Chuckling to yourself, you pull him by the front of his shirt—pressing a chaste kiss on the corner of his mouth before leaning into his ear to whisper:

“What if I want you to fuck me, Woo?”

The deep growl that resonates in his throat sounds so fucking hot, you can feel a gush of slick surge between your thighs. He doesn’t say a word—merely opting to keep his hard stare on yours as he wraps your legs around his waist. You immediately get the gist and hold on tight to him as he carries you out of the living room and into his bedroom.

“I’m giving you a chance to back out again, sweetheart,” he sighs as he kicks the door shut behind him. “Think you can handle it when I get serious about fucking you until you can’t walk?”

The mental image he conjures in your head has you mewling in his arms, prompting you to pepper his neck with sloppy kisses as he gropes your ass like it’s always belonged to him. 

“Think you can actually make good on that though?” you challenge with a soft chuckle, grazing your teeth just below his collarbone. You won’t bite—knowing that his stylists will give him hell for it if he shows up to work with hickeys. “We both know you like to talk big sometimes.”

Wonwoo breathes out a condescending chuckle before gently easing you on top of the mattress. You didn’t think it was possible, but you swear you get even wetter when he takes off his glasses and licks his lips at the sight of you.

“Oh, baby, you’re in for a fucking ride.”

That’s how you find yourself with your back pressed against Wonwoo’s insanely sculpted chest—both your mouth and pussy stuffed with his thick fingers as he works you open enough to take his cock. He slides those thick digits in and out of your wet channel, making sure you get used to the stretch all while he muffles your noises at the same time. 

Normally, he likes hearing you get whiney and desperate for him, but there’s a charm to seeing you slobber all over his fingers as you clench up around the ones buried in your pussy. 

“Fuck, baby. So goddamn tight for me,” he whispers huskily in your ear and the sound of his rough voice layered with the lewd squelch of your cunt makes your insides tingle. “Been thinking about having this pretty pussy all to myself for a while now. You gonna let me have it now, baby? Let me wreck you on my cock?”

Wonwoo easily has the hottest voice you’ve ever heard in your entire life. While you often think about how you can fall asleep happily just listening to him talk about anything under the sun, it’s an entirely different story when he’s spouting all this filth into your ear as he prepares you for an overdue dicking down. 

“Yes, please—” You sob pathetically when he takes his fingers out of your mouth, curling your arm behind you so you can blindly grab his hair and mend your lips into a messy kiss. “Wonwoo, I need you so bad.”

“Desperate little thing,” your boyfriend chuckles before withdrawing his fingers from your needy hole. The loss has you writhing in his lap, one hand shooting out to keep him where you want him but Wonwoo coos into your ear as if to pacify you. “Shhh, baby, I need you to come first before I fuck you. You’ll be good for me and let me make you come, right?” 

Shit. Who are you to refuse when he propositions you like that?

“I need an answer, sweetheart.”

“I’ll be good,” you gasp almost immediately as your boyfriend starts parting your pussy lips with the hand that was muffling your cute noises. “I’ll be so good for you, please just—”

“Just what, baby?” Wonwoo teases and you nearly cry.

“M-Make me come on your fingers…”

He hums, slick fingers gliding along your slit. “Not if you don’t say—”

“Please,” you whimper before grinding your pussy against his hand. “Wonwoo, I wanna come. Wanna come so bad. Want you to stuff me full of your cock. Want you to—” 

It’s almost like he tapped in on every single nerve ending in your body when his dexterous fingers find your clit—rubbing the puffy bud in fast, tight circles as you start twitching in his arms. Wonwoo lets out another evil laugh as he forcibly pries your legs apart. The firmness of his grip leaves you no choice but to thrash around as he builds your orgasm from the ground up, trailing wet kisses along the column of your throat as he teases an orgasm out of you with the sound of his voice coupled with his sinful ministrations.

“So wet and ready for me. Have you thought about taking me inside this sweet little pussy? Do you think you can even fit me when you’re this tight?” he breathes into your ear and you don’t even have the dignity to bite down your moans anymore. “You’re so close, sweetheart. Let yourself go and I’ll give you what you want. I’ll blow your pretty back out over and over until you’re sick of me.”

Never, you want to tell him. I’ll never get sick of you, stupid Wonwoo.

Funnily enough, that silent jab at him is quickly followed by a mind-numbing release. It washes over you like a storm surging into a calm shore—overloading every cell in your body with pleasure until the only thing that comes out of your mouth is a broken rendition of your lover’s name. 

Wonwoo talks you through your high because he knows you’ve got a thing for his voice. Knows just how much tighter you get when he whispers filthy words with a sultry sweet tone. 

And when he growls, “Good fucking girl,” into your ear, you’re convinced he just made you come again while still riding the waves of your first orgasm. 

For all his vigor, Wonwoo is surprisingly patient with you as you recover from what he just put you through. He plants brief kisses all over your neck and face until your breathing finally evens out and you stop seeing stars in the seams of your vision. Your boyfriend offers up a gentle smile when you finally come to—leaning in to kiss your nose.

“You still want more?” he whispers, exercising enough restraint to be revered despite the fact that you can feel his hard, leaking cock pressed against the small of your back. 

A soft, somewhat weak laugh makes its way past your lips as you turn around to peck his lips. Wonwoo smiles against your mouth and you can’t help but do the same.

Then, you issue another challenge.

“Do your worst.”

You’re grateful now more than ever that Wonwoo is the easiest person to talk to in the entire world. You can practically count the things that he wouldn’t want to discuss with you on one hand alone. 

In other words, you’ve already had the necessary conversations about sex, should you ever have it with him in the future (A.K.A., right now). Wonwoo knows you’ve been on birth control ever since you moved to Seoul all those years ago. He knows that you get yourself tested at least once every month if you can and assures you that he does the same.

On the other hand, you’re well aware that your boyfriend has a thing for coming inside, and now that you’ve gone this far with him, you’ll gladly let Wonwoo make his fantasies a reality. 

He only agreed to it once you promised to tell him whenever you feel like he’s going too far or if he’s doing something you don’t like. You swear you would’ve married him on the spot, if it weren’t for that tiny voice in your head that suspiciously sounds like Haewon telling you off for losing it over a man who’s doing the bare minimum.

With those measures in place, you feel safe enough to let Wonwoo press your face down onto the mattress as his free hand grips your ass—fucking into your tight cunt as he tries (and fails) to keep himself from being too rough with you. 

He really, really wanted to be gentle, considering it’s your first time to lie together like this. But your unfiltered reactions do nothing but test both his patience and self-control in more ways than one. All his plans on making love to you in good old missionary have been tossed out of the window now that you’ve given him the green light to actually fuck you until you can’t walk.

“Wonwoo,” you moan, fists curling into the sheets as he cants his hips deeper and deeper—the head of his cock hitting spots your own fingers could never hope to reach. “S-So fucking good…”

“Yeah?” he breathes raspily before leaning down to press his chest against your back, wanting to engulf you in the heat of his body until it’s all you’ll ever know. “My pretty baby loves my cock that much? You want me to fuck you all the time now?”

“Uh huh.” You nod before letting out a high pitched keen when he amps up the speed of his thrusts—slamming his hips harder against your ass.

Wonwoo thinks he could really get used to the sight of your pretty pussy sucking him in like this. You’re so greedy—clamping down on him as tightly as you do as you moan his name like it’s the only word in your vocabulary. But how could you not when each vein that runs along the underside of his perfect cock drags so deliciously across your velvet walls? When his balls—hot and heavy and full of enough cum to fill you to the brim—keep clapping against your pussy with each powerful thrust?

It’s the first time that you got to get a taste of what your boyfriend is capable of in bed and you can only imagine every instance that will follow once all’s said and done.

When he feels your walls start to spasm around his length every now and again, Wonwoo presses a sloppy kiss across the cut of your jaw—a hand sliding between your thighs so he can find that little bundle of nerves that made you fall apart only several minutes ago. Your reaction is immediate—crying and squirming below him even when you’re helpless against his massive frame pressing you down into the bed. 

“I’m so close, baby,” he groans into your ear, holding out for as long as he can just so he can feel the sensation of you coming around his cock. “You’re almost there, too, aren’t you? My good girl—taking my dick like it’s always been yours. Can you come with me? You can do that for me, right, sweetheart?”

The fondness in his voice strings you even further apart and you’re nothing but a mess of pleasure and delirium as Wonwoo continues his assault on your poor, abused clit. He knows just the right amount of pressure to use and manages to time his thrusts with each delicious pass on that oversensitive bud.  

It’s all over before you know it. 

You let out a long-winded moan that will definitely earn him a couple of noise complaints from the neighbors but Wonwoo doesn’t have it in him to fucking care at the moment. Not when your walls are clamping down so tightly around his cock—making each stroke all the more tantalizing as your pussy milks him for everything he’s got to give you. 

You mindlessly babble a string of I love yous against the sheets, a trail of drool dripping onto the mattress as Wonwoo fucks into you with heightened ferocity. He catches every single word you say and he tilts your head to the side so he can kiss you. Your boyfriend forces your tongue into a dance with his own until his hips stutter and stop—white hot emission surging into your cunt in thick spurts that he hopes would stay inside you for days if he can help himself.

You’re a mess—face painted with a fucked out expression as your pussy leaks with a mixture of yours and Wonwoo’s cum. The mere sight of it is almost enough to make him hard again, but he tells himself that he can take you up on marathon sex next time.

For now, he just wants to clean you up and tuck you back into bed.

“Woo?”

He turns to face you with a questioning look. Your boyfriend just finished with your mandatory aftercare session and is in the middle of making the bed comfortable enough for some post-sex cuddles. “Hmm?”

“You’re still free next week right?” you ask, drawing silly shapes on his chest with your finger once he finally lays down next to you.

“Yeah. I don’t have any major schedules until…” He pauses before conjuring up an imaginary calendar in his mind. “Next month. Why?”

Despite all the debauchery you’ve subjected each other to in a single night, your face still flushes as you consider what you’re about to ask him. Wonwoo smiles at that. Cute.

“How do you feel about flying to Jeju with me so I can introduce you to my family?” you ask shyly, gulping with a nervous laugh. “I totally get it if your management won’t allow it though. It’s hard to keep the media off your back when you’re so famous and—”

He doesn’t do this often, but Wonwoo shuts you up with a firm kiss.

“What are you talking about?” he murmurs, caressing your face tenderly. “Of course I want to meet them.”

When your eyes light up at his confirmation, Wonwoo swears that he couldn’t be more in love.

Me [11:23]: hae, i’ve got good news~

Haewon 🪷 [11:24]: You’re bringing Mingyu with you to Jeju so we can get married?

Me [11:26]: very funny

Me [11:26]: not to spoil your delusions or anything but i’m bringing my boyfriend

Haewon 🪷 [11:30]: Omg… 

Haewon 🪷 [11:30]: Rudeness aside, is it the same guy from before? 

Me [11:31]: yep

 Haewon 🪷 [11:32]: AAAAAAAAA

 Haewon 🪷 [11:32]: I can’t wait to meet him!

 Haewon 🪷 [11:34]: He better be treating you right or I’ll drop kick him off Jusangjeollidae

Me [11:40]: you’ve already met him though~

Haewon 🪷 [11:41]: ?

Haewon 🪷 [11:45]: Unnie, what do you mean…

Haewon 🪷 [12:32]: Hey!!!!

⟢ end notes: if you've made it til the end, congrats! this is the last of the doting on you! series (for now~) and i really hope you enjoyed reading through it as much as i enjoyed writing it!! special thanks to all the friends that read through this for me T T i wouldn't have done it without any of you ueueue and to everyone that has been patiently waiting for me to put up the last installment for the series, thank you for waiting <3 i hope you guys continue to support me with my future work as well!

this is part of the doting on you! series.

[theladyofbloodshed]

Prompt-

Nessian sickfic ( cause I love angst and fluff and sicfics are my ultimate guilty pleasure ) where maybe Nesta is sick but she ignores it (cause she is stubborn and refuses to admit that she's unwell & she doesn't want to bother anyone) and goes about her day as normal ( training and all that ) continuously covering up for any ' slip-ups ' (like being slow during training and brushing it off when it's pointed out or something) and then she like maybe passes out infront of everyone at family dinner ( with the IC and the valkyries and all) or something and they all freak out ( cause I've decided that Nesta is truly cared for and loved in this fic ) and go mother hen on her cause she deserves to be coddled.But then there is also Cassian whose upset she didn't say anything and all that stuff...idk I think you can execute this idea better.

It is one of those fics I've always wanted to see (where nesta is coddled and cared for in a domestic sense) but have never found one.

It's okay if you don't want to write this though.I understand that it can be a weird request for some😅

Thanks for the prompt!

Black dots swarmed Nesta’s vision. She gripped the ledge harder, willing her body to right itself. She took another drink of water to steady herself.

‘You alright?’ Emerie narrowed her eyes at her, eyeing the shake in her hand as she pressed the cup to her lips.

‘I think my cycle is coming,’ she grumbled.

A look of sympathy passed Emerie’s face. Nesta still wasn’t used to fae menstrual cycles. They were less frequent at least than when she was mortal, but they were much, much worse. She had woken with dizziness. For once, she was thankful that Cassian had left the bed earlier than her because he’d only fuss at her staggering steps or the way her hip collided with the door frame. Nesta had pressed her face to the cool tiles in the bathroom, tamping down the temperature that had bubbled up in the bedsheets.

Since being turned, she’d only experienced two cycles and they’d been hell. This one was different however, already making her toes feel numb, her movements slow and laboured before it had really begun.

‘Do you need to stop?’

The other priestesses were still hard at work; Azriel oversaw the new recruits with his quiet, patient manner, while the tyrant was barking orders at the other end. Nesta had already snapped at Cassian for taking his bad mood out on the rest of them. For that, she’d had to drop and do twenty push-ups. Not doing them meant she was undermining him – and Cauldron forbid she endure Emerie and Gwyn’s teasing over preferential treatment if she didn’t. So, Nesta had gritted her teeth and forced her body down then back up, even when the whole roof was spinning in her vision. She thought her mate might have noticed her struggling when he put her out of her misery and stopped her at eighteen then ordered her to take a drink.

‘I’m fine.’ But she wouldn’t be if Cassian carried on drilling them this hard. He’d had an argument with Rhys over something and had taken it to heart. ‘I’ll speak to the slave-driver.’

Cassian had his arms folded, brows furrowed, watching the priestesses sparring with each other. Nesta came to stand beside him. The arm she looped through his was not a comfort – it was for her own stability.

‘Will you tone it down?’

‘Going too hard on you, sweetheart?’

‘You know exactly how hard I can take it,’ she murmured, admiring the way his pupils flared at her words. ‘But you’re working with priestesses from the library, not battle-hardened Illyrian males. Ease up or when you’re pushed off the roof, I’ll feign ignorance.’

Sweat ran down the females’ faces. Gwyn was puffing and panting, too breathless to even talk. The harsh din of their swords smashing together was beginning to make Nesta wince. Each clang struck against her temples.

‘Why don’t you show me just how gentle you want me to be?’

The challenge in Cassian’s eyes would have been something Nesta would rise to meet usually, but she wanted to be under a blanket. If she voiced any sort of hurt, he’d fuss too much. A few weeks earlier, she’d twisted her ankle and he’d acted like her life was hanging by a thread, forcing them all to stop, carrying her across the roof, demanding Azriel fetch Madja. Nesta shuddered at the memory.

It was just a cycle. It was normal to feel absolutely horrendous, but everybody got on with it. And so would she. Nesta let out a sigh and retrieved her sword. ‘Must you turn everything into foreplay?’

Cassian grinned at her. ‘One track mind.’

It was not unnoticed by Cassian that she moved more sluggish than usual or that her arm continued to drop. He only chided her for staying up late with her book. When he managed to disarm her lazily, due to her slow reaction times, he forced her to pick up her sword again and again.

‘Complacency will get you killed.’

‘That’s preferable right now,’ she muttered. The throb in her head was growing worse. If there was anymore pressure, her head might explode. She told herself to toughen up, that some of these priestesses might even be on their cycle right now and they were not causing a fuss. It hadn’t felt like this before though, she hadn’t been so nauseous and dizzy, so hot then cold.

‘Again,’ Cassian demanded. ‘Try and disarm me.’

Every time that Nesta lunged at him, her stomach churned more. Her whole body was drenched with sweat. The sage advice he offered went over her head because she was too focused on staying upright.

When she had finally managed to disarm him – thanks to a distraction tactic from Emerie and Gwyn – Nesta raced towards the nearest bin and hurled up her insides. Black encroached on her vision again as she sucked in air, kneeling with her arms wrapped around the bin.

Cassian’s hand was too hot, too heavy on her neck although he meant well. Worry nibbled at his expression already. ‘What’s wrong? Are you sick?’

‘I’m fine,’ she clipped, pushing up from the ground. ‘Pushed through a stitch.’

A cool shadow brushed across Nesta’s forehead then returned back to Azriel. He watched her carefully then said, ‘It’s probably time to stop for today.’

The priestesses who’d been drilled by Cassian all sagged with relief or dropped to the floor clutching their stomachs, making her lie more believable. This was the time where her mate would go around offering generous praise sprinkled with advice while they stretched to ensure each priestess left satisfied rather than groaning. They had started letting whichever female was bravest lead the cool down too which helped grow their confidence.

It had become a ritual to wait until all the priestesses had departed before she went inside herself, to not leave them with Cassian or Azriel alone. The males would never touch them, but if her presence eased their worries then Nesta was happy to stay.

‘What time should I come for the dinner?’ Gwyn asked, rubbing her hands together.

‘Six,’ Azriel replied swifter than Nesta could process the question.

‘You’re welcome to come earlier,’ Cassian added. He gestured to Emerie. ‘Emerie will be here too.’

They had only had a few dinners altogether; Nesta had spent them sandwiched between the two females at the far end of the table enjoying their own private conversation. Usually, she’d look forward to it – to at least have fun while the inner circle stroked their own egos – but with every passing moment, she felt worse and worse. Taking that excitement from Emerie and Gwyn’s eyes was an abhorrent thought though, so Nesta straightened up and continued on.

In the few hours that followed, Cassian returned to Illyria – likely to run off the end of his bad mood on some poor unsuspecting male there. In a sheepish voice, Emerie asked if she could take a shower and a nap in a spare room since she was exhausted from training. Nesta almost tore her arm off in eagerness at the offer.

Instead of seizing the opportunity to catch up on sleep in a tranquil House of Wind however, Nesta ended up clutching the toilet again. She had tried to breathe through the cramps squeezing her stomach while the bed felt like a boat on a tumultuous sea, until she’d raced to the bathroom to retch up every last drop of that morning’s breakfast. If she fixated on a spot on the wall then the whole house didn’t feel as if it was tipping on its side. One moment she was fevered, tearing at her clothes for some relief and the next, her body trembled beneath a blanket. Just a cycle, she told herself again.

When they were all seated at the table, the smells wafting from the kitchen heightened her nausea. The conversations swirled around her. Mor’s ringing laughter was like the peal of a high-pitched bell scraping in her mind. The deep rumble of Cassian’s voice shook her eardrums so violently that Nesta fought the urge to clamp her hands over her ears. She did, however, grip her forehead.

‘Are you well, Nesta?’ Elain asked, her hand stilled as it reached for a dish.

‘Fine. I forget how loud those two are.’ Cassian and Mor were like a pair of hyenas together, one high-pitched and yipping, the other capable of shaking the room with his voice.

Lucien smiled. The motion had the scar on his face tightening. ‘I’m glad we picked this end of the table.’

The heat from the dishes rose around the table. Nesta had worn a plain grey gown, suitable for the autumn day, but it suddenly felt too thick on her body. Her armpits were turning into a swamp and she fanned her face.

‘You don’t look good.’

Nesta blew out a breath through her pursed lips. ‘That was rude.’

Gwyn shook her hair from her face. ‘I mean that you look sick, Nesta.’

‘I’m absolutely fine,’ she lied, reaching for the dish of buttery parsnips.

The idea of putting anything in her mouth already had her gag reflex pulsing, but Nesta was nothing if not iron-willed. She forced down a forkful of her dinner then another. She sliced into the tender cut of lamb on her plate, barely chewing before swallowing that too. Heat radiated from her skin. Her dress was clinging to the sweat pooling on her back.

‘You’re sweating,’ Gwyn whispered.

‘Meat sweats,’ replied Nesta, waving away her concern. She jerked the cut of her dress from her chest, flapping it a few times to try and cool herself. Her skin was clammy, speech slurring. ‘It’s hot in here, isn’t it? I need a window.’

It was a mistake to stand so quickly. The floor shifted under her feet so the table appeared as if it was rising into the air as her vision swam. Nesta took a step closer to the window, forcing her feet to move, hoping the blurriness marring her sight would right itself.

Black swamped her. At first, she thought it was Cassian engulfing her with his mighty wings, but her feet kept moving, almost running forwards to save herself. Each beat of her heart was slower, weaker, like a feeble fluttering in her chest.

***

‘Has she been drinking?’ Mor murmured, kicking him under the table.

Cassian jerked his head towards the far end of the table where Nesta was rising unsteadily. Feyre frowned. Beside him, he felt Rhys tense.

‘Hot here. I’m need. Window.’

Nesta’s head lolled to the side as she slurred her speech. Cassian shot from the chair, hurdling towards her, but not quick enough. Nesta fell forwards as she fainted, face smashing into the windowsill on her way to the floor.

‘Shit.’

‘Cauldon, is she alright?’

‘I’ll get Madja.’

‘Oh my goodness!’

Cassian turned Nesta over. She’d taken a chunk out of her eyebrow and the gash was bleeding steadily, but she remained unconscious.

‘Lift her legs,’ Lucien advised, joining him on the floor beside her.

He followed the male’s commandment, raising Nesta’s legs by the ankles and holding them aloft. His throat was dry. Blood pounded in Cassian’s eardrums.

‘She’s only fainted,’ he reassured though it didn’t help. He’d not been quick enough to get to her.

It could only have been thirty seconds at most, yet each one was drawn out to an eternity. Finally, Nesta’s eyes opened groggily. She tried to push up then flopped back down, groaning and clutching the handkerchief Lucien had pressed over her wound.

‘I’m not sick,’ she announced.

‘Like hell you’re not,’ Cassian fumed.

Azriel appeared by them, face knotted with concern. ‘Carry her to bed, she needs to be somewhere soft.’

Elain hurried ahead of them opening each door then peeled back the duvet for Cassian to tuck his mate into – but her skin was like a furnace. The window latch clicked as Emerie opened both to allow the cool evening breeze in.

‘How long has she been sick for?’ Feyre strode from the bathroom brandishing a damp cloth and pressed it to her elder sister’s forehead.

Guilt writhed in Cassian’s stomach. She’d been lethargic in training, but he’d put it down to the fact she’d been awake until the early hours with her book. Damn Azriel for buying her that tiny faelight booklight which meant she’d lay there with the blanket over her head reading and reading until exhaustion took over her body.

‘I’m fine,’ she protested. ‘We can continue dinner.’

The dribble of blood down her face together with the rapidly swelling lump did nothing to convince any of them that Nesta was fine. Her golden hair was damp with sweat. Nobody missed the way she screwed her eyes shut and took shaky little breaths each time she adjusted position.

A rumble of power in the room alerted them to Rhys’ return with the kindly healer, Madja. They swept the growing crowd from the bedside and Cassian inwardly grimaced at the mess he and Nesta had left it in. If she was in a fit state, she’d be shooing them all out of the room rather than let them see her personal things.

‘How long have you had symptoms for?’

‘I’m not sick,’ Nesta repeated. ‘There’s no need to fuss.’

‘Let Madja clean your eyebrow at least,’ Rhys suggested. Feyre had come to stand by him, her mouth twisting with worry. He rubbed her arm with soothing circles.

Dependable Nesta who never let anything pin her down for long, was still putting up a fight. She forced herself upright, clamping her jaw together as she did so. After steeling her nerves, Nesta swung her legs onto the floor and pushed herself to a standing position. The simple move had her sweating with exertion, but she would not meet the eyes of any in the room.

‘There,’ she said shakily. ‘Fine.’

Madja made a noise that could have been a laugh. ‘Walk to the bathroom for me, Nesta.’

The healer jerked her chin towards Nesta as a sign they should flock around her. His mate made it all of three steps before her knees began to quiver and she fainted again. This time, Lucien and Elain had their arms around her, guiding her unconscious form back to the bed. Gwyn lifted Nesta’s ankle and wedged a pillow beneath them.

‘Why won’t she let us take care of her?’ Feyre murmured.

Because Nesta never wanted that to be held over her, Cassian thought. Because Feyre had hunted for her, and all of them had used that to guilt-trip Nesta for a couple of years. She hated depending on anybody. It had taken months before she would let him make her something to eat or help her with sharpening weapons. She’d always eye him suspiciously, worried that he might only be doing it because he wanted something in return.

‘Do you know what symptoms she’s been displaying and for how long?’

At the healer’s question, Cassian could feel his cheeks burning. No, he hadn’t realised his mate was sick. If she’d felt that way for a while, she’d hidden it from him. Shame washed over him.

In the corner, Emerie cleared her throat. ‘She said her cycle is coming.’

‘She vomited during training,’ added Azriel.  

Madja placed the back of her hand to Nesta’s forehead. Her magic crawled over her, seeking an ailment. ‘It’s not her cycle. She has a virus. A nasty one. And because of this,’ she gestured to the gash on her brow, ‘I’d wager a concussion too.’

Her magic, a pale, yellow glow, knitted Nesta’s skin back together once the wound had been cleaned with antiseptic.

‘There’s nothing to do except let the virus run its course. Fae sickness is different to mortal ones - it is good if she is able to fight it with her own immune system.’

‘What can be done?’

‘Rest,’ Madja replied to her high lord. ‘For the nausea, bland foods. Try and get her to eat small amounts at a time. Plain toast, bananas, apple sauce. Don’t force her to eat if it makes her sick.’

‘Tea?’ Mor suggested.

‘Ginger can settle a stomach. Peppermint can be useful. Keep her in bed.’

‘Cass will have no issue with that,’ Rhys joked.

Over the laughter, Madja continued, ‘She must rest. No intercourse. While her body fights it, she’ll need lots of sleep. I can provide a tonic that will help her to sleep through fevers too, and another for the pain.’

The room quietened down with Mor, Azriel, and Lucien filing out with the healer. Mor had rustled through the cupboards but only found black tea, which she’d brewed anyway and rested on the bedside table before departing. Feyre loaded up a tray of leftovers and brought it into the bedroom. They picked at food quietly while Nesta slumbered in the bed. Elain perched on the edge of the mattress, holding the cold compress to her sister’s head and taking every opportunity to smooth the blankets around her body.

‘What can I do?’ Rhys asked.

Feyre drummed her fingers on the arm of the chair she’d dragged in from the living room. ‘We have ginger at home, I think. Maybe even peppermint tea. Could you fetch that?’

‘Anything else? Bananas? I can ask one of the twins to make fresh bread. What kind does Nesta like?’

‘Seeds,’ Cassian said. ‘She loves the loaves packed with seeds.

‘Emerie, do you want to stay? Or I can take you back to Illyria?’

At the address from her high lord, Emerie blushed but held her head high. ‘Could I return? Can I come back in the morning? Before training?’ Gwyn nodded eagerly at her side.

The two Valkyries departed, leaving Cassian with all three Archerons. Feyre had taken up the space on the other side of Nesta; both sisters keeping a vigil by the eldest who was stirring slightly. Cassian sat in the chair, fighting against the instinct to move both Feyre and Elain away from his mate so he could be the one beside her. But she hadn’t told him she’d felt unwell. The pain of it was a raw wound, sensitive to touch. He’d forced her to drop into push ups for complaining. Pushed her hard enough that she’d vomited because Nesta would never back down from anything.

‘She never gets sick,’ Feyre mused. She’d folded together a loose sheet of parchment into a fan which she used to gently waft a breeze over Nesta’s blazing skin.

Cassian hadn’t known her to get sick either. Mortals generally were sicker than fae; their bodies were weaker, more prone to picking up illnesses and infection. Even at her lowest, with not an inch of fat or no food in her stomach, Nesta still wasn’t sick.

‘She does,’ Elain countered. ‘But she tells her body she’s not and pushes through.’

‘Only Nesta’s mind could disagree with the rest of her body.’

‘One time when you left… to Prythian, Nesta had the flu but she still went out and chopped wood for the fire. She wouldn’t take a rest, just snapped at me in that way of hers that she was fine.’

Cassian wanted to ask why their father hadn’t gone out to do it, to let his daughter rest when she was unwell. Or why Elain herself had watched Nesta do it rather than volunteering. It was not the time to reopen old wounds, but Cassian still carried grief over the struggles Nesta had been forced to endure in the broken-down cottage they called home.

Rhys returned with an entire banana tree. Its leaves brushed against the ceiling and the house seemed to stretch upwards to accommodate its size.

‘A whole tree, Rhys?’

‘Day Court,’ he puffed, dragging it into the bedroom by its large, ceramic pot. ‘It will be better for Nesta if the fruit is fresh.’

‘A whole tree?’ Feyre repeated.

From thin air, Rhys produced a bag. ‘Ginger tea. Peppermint tea. Peppermint and spearmint tea. Ginger and peach tea. Lemon, ginger and honey.’

‘Fuck, Rhys how many did you buy?’

He set them all out on the desk, swiping away Cassian’s carefully organised paperwork. ‘The shop was closing, but stayed open for me. I'd feel guilty if I only purchased one kind.’

‘So, you purchased every kind they sold?’ Feyre queried.

‘Nesta’s unwell.’ That reason seemed to cover everything.

Before they all departed for the night, Rhys had brewed another pot of tea. Feyre had sliced up bananas and lightly toasted bread while Nesta groggily woke in bed. Elain helped her to sit up through the protests that she was fine to do it herself.

‘Why is there a tree in my bedroom?’

‘Rhysand was worried about you.’

Nesta blinked at Elain, the reply not quite answering her question.

‘Madja recommended bananas to help settle your stomach,’ Cassian explained, sitting in Feyre’s vacant position on Nesta’s left. He stroked a wide hand across her face, feeling the searing heat beneath. ‘Do you want to try and nibble on toast? Feyre’s making some for you.’

‘There’s ginger and peach tea here too. You used to love peaches.’ Before Nesta could protest, Elain was lifting the cup to her lips and cradling her jaw. ‘You must keep your strength up.’

‘I have strength. I disarmed my mate earlier.’

‘Through cheating.’  

A spark lit up Nesta’s eyes as she caught his own gaze. ‘It doesn’t matter how the battle is won, as long as it is.’

Once the final three departed, Cassian slunk an arm around Nesta in bed. Her skin had cooled, but she remained sleepy and lethargic. He fed her chunks of cold toast that took her an age to chew. Her eyes were closed, head tilted towards his chest.

The question had been brimming on his lips for a long time. He had waited until the others had departed to give his insecurities a voice. ‘Nes, why didn’t you say anything?’

‘I didn’t want you to fuss. I’ll be fine tomorrow.’

‘Maybe I wanted to fuss over you,’ he said. ‘Maybe I want to take care of my mate. It hurts me that you didn’t think I would take care of you. I feel horrendous that I made you train today. And do not say that you are fine.’

Nesta let out a long sigh after sipping at her tepid tea. ‘I know you’d take care of me. You flap around like a mother hen if I get a papercut.’

‘Because I love you. And seeing you in any pain causes me distress. I just want you to be safe and happy and well.’

‘It’s just my cycle.’

‘Madja said you have a virus. And you are staying in bed tomorrow. Maybe even the next day.’

‘What about training?’

‘Az will do it. I’ll be here with you. Emerie is coming in the morning along with Gwyn. So let us take care of you like you deserve.’

[fandom-imagination-ss]

Dumbledore’s Secrets review.... thoughts..... It’s a mess

I just watched Fantastic beasts and where to Find them Dumbledore Secrets. I have thoughts,  and I have ALOT of questions. Under this Gif, I shall be Spoiling EVERYTHING I can remember So If you do not Like spoilers Please. Do not read. 

First, what I thought this movie would be about, Credence learning how to use magic. and Getting all angry at Albus and Going after him for abandoning him (which kind of happened) And about the How to Break the Blood Vow thing. Albus and Grindlewald made.

-I Knew about the change of Grindlewald I wasn’t a huge fan of the change, (( I am completely Justice for Johnny But if they had to Change the actor.. a Charming Guy would have been better. I get this guy is supposed to be Evil. But he’s supposed to be also Charming to Woo people into agreeing with him. Mads. Didn’t do it for me. Personal opinion. 

Tina 

I knew Tina wasn’t going to be in it (those I was HOPING For more scenes than just 2!)) I am Hopeful for the next movie. she is Fully Back! it made NO sense she would jump and focus on her career after her Sister Joined the Dark side and basically just ignored it? 

-Credence in general

. With the Actors behavior for almost 2 years now with assault etc. Makes sense that they would kill him off, Just so they wouldn’t have another thing to Deal with like what is happening with Amber Heard (( the petition to Kick her out of Aquaman 2 is Now at 4 million!)) the writers, producers, probably Killed him off Due to that. cause they already Knew they were dealing with Bad Press by firing Johnny. One less hassle. that being said, the way they just had him dying (And Not really Showing him Sick until halfway thru when he fought Dumbledore, and then after that fight, he looked like Death was on his door. could have been better. they should have shown Him Ill and Unwell sooner. and what happened to his BFF Voldy Snake? Wtf happened to her?? the Big secret is that He wasn’t actually a brother of Albus but his Nephew. I won’t lie. that surprised me. 

-Newt and the Creatures

, For a Movie series.. about Fantastic beasts. there aren’t many creatures in this movie. I did enjoy watching ppl recognize him Over his brother, and that scene where the brothers are holding hands was cute. Also, the scene where Newt had his hand on Tina’s waist for a second was cute. Newt seemed more open and Huggy and touchy in this movie. which I will Say I enjoyed! 

-Jacob 

I Loved that he got a wand. Does it make Absolutely ANY sense that a Muggle has a wand? Hell  No. Did I enjoy those? Yes. That Being said. Excuse me! you had Jacob a Muggle. who’s been watching his friends play with magic for years now (or however long it is in the movie) We don’t have a scene of him playing with the wand trying to make things Float, or explode Ect we were ROBBED Of seeing him playing with the wand! For a man who just got unlimited power, he didn’t play with it! it was the most unrealistic thing in the movie!

Queenie 

It took me a solid second to realize she was Even Queenie when she was on the other side. she looked so different. I wished they plaid out More that she was regretting her choices. and that she didn’t turn back too Good till the next movie. But still, seeing her Pining for  Jacob and saving him, etc. it would have made the reunion better for me. 

things that Didn’t make sense in the movie  ((If I’m wrong please correct me!))

they probably mentioned it in the harry potter books But Dumbledore’s sister was an Obscurial... while her brothers were both wizards.. who attended Hogwarts. How is that possible? She knew the existence of power, her parents Knew the existence of magic. and let her brothers go off but ignored her? (( i was reading quickly on a wiki page that she hurt some muggle boys and she just.. felt so ashamed she stopped using magic? if that was the case. wouldn’t her family be like “your gonna die if you don’t use your magic!!” and try to fix the problem? IDK that’s my thoughts 

the magical elections? 

So In the original HP movies, we see that England has their own magical Government, Same thing for FBAWTFT ....we even are introduced to both leaders. But in this movie. it’s one person to rule ALL of the magical worlds? 

wtf is the point of the magical ministry if it is One Ruler to Rule ALL of the magical worlds. Why would England vs America have different Rules (( Like in America you can’t marry a muggle? but in England, you can)) Please explain that to me! Did I miss something? or is that how it goes down? they even showed a German Ministry! 

the blood promise in general they made SUCH a huge deal about this thing last movie. to this movie barely being mentioned? they set it up that we would be trying to Figure out How to break it to just be “Nah can’t break it mate” to Kaboom. with the power of Love, I break the Blood promise?

I’m sorry about the “Voting” If for years you actually voted and all of the sudden you’re going to go back to an old tradition where a creature doe thing picks.. wouldn’t you idk Ask questions? like Why? Speaking of that cute little Creature. 1) Clearly Jacob is Prue of heart and Gold wtf didn’t it bow down to Jacob? 

2) Or Newt cause let’s face it. those boys are Pure Goodness 

3) YOUR TELLIN’ ME! THE MAN WHO RAISED HARRY POTTER JUST TO BUTCHER HIM AT THE RIGHT TIME! who internally was Only invested In harry to have him Killed off at the right time is Prue of Heart? I Love dumbledore but he isn’t “pure of heart” he’s Cunning and Brilliant and he makes sacrifices but Pure of heart? No. Sorry No. I’m not saying he isn’t a great Guy. But no. that man allowed Harry to live in a house where he was mentally, and physically abused and slept under a staircase for years. and Turned his head on it. a person pure of heart would have Snatched Harry out from his Aunts and uncles and given him a good life. a happy life! 

4)In the first movie they mention that No Maj and witches and wizards cannot interact in America that which was against the law, the second one. Queenie and Jacob are in love and Queenie wants to get married. but Jacob is scared they would take her away and refused. that’s why she turns to the dark side? but now they can just get married in Queens? without breaking any law? wtf was that about 

5) the excuse for Tina not being around is awful!. Did she get a promotion? her sister turned evil, and her boyfriend / and friends are fighting the big Bad but let’s stay focused on work? Even theasus was there helping out. Other its the excuse she had Covid throughout the entire movie process (( or was scared idk..)) Or the fact she spoke up against JK Rowling and JK was pissed and cut her almost completely out am annoyed. I’m Sorry I love the series but I watch 70% for the magical creatures 10% for the magical world and 20% because Tina and Newt together are adorable as HELL and I felt cheated out of the corny cheesy scenes with them! 

6) How did Credence Now how to 1) use that spell to write to the dumbledore’s 2) Know about Albus’ brother? 

7) I know they said the girl Albertius (Albus’ brother) was taken away. for some reason.. but ... Did he know about the child? did he just let his baby and love dash off without fighting to get them back? wtf expected better from a dumbledore. 

8) I already mentioned this. Jacob getting a wand. Just..as comic relief and Fun and ect I enjoy him having a wand.. but realistically.. shouldn’t that just be a stick to him? how the Heck can he use magic he’s Not magical. he’s a muggle. No magical being it’s in the definition! lol, I loved seeing him in Hogwarts and interacting with the Kids. and I slightly wished the doe creature bowed to Jacob at the vote. President Jacob! lol 

All in all... this movie... this was a movie. I’ll buy it I have too to complete my collection but honestly... wasn’t this movie delayed due to covid? IDK I expected More. and better I guess... especially with Jacob having a wand. I wanted Newt to try to teach him a simple spell and it just blows up on jacobs face like in the first HP movie when the kids are learning how to use their magic. Miss opportunity! 

My rating 

4/10

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

I’m back on my bullshit and we have GOT TO TALK about 13x08 The Scorpion and the Frog; which serves as a good example of why you should not ONLY watch spn episodes with Cas (partially because of that scene I shamefully blogged about earlier - no I will not link that cursed post here).  The episode title comes from a fable in which the villain is the scorpion.  Interpretations of this fable note its uniqueness lies in the concept that “the scorpion is irrationally self destructive and fully aware of it.”

To quote the scorpion, buddies -  “it’s in my nature.”

Anyway, this episode is subtextually predicated on exploring Dean Winchester’s nature and specifically - his bisexuality, and I’m not only saying that because it opens with Dean in his Bi Colors Plaid (that also he wore on his burger date with Cas).

Let’s get started, after the cut!

Season 13 on its face gives me absolute whiplash because it starts widow arc-reunion-TOMBSTONE and then Jack yeets himself off to Chuck knows where so Cas can go out Looking For Him Because Otherwise He Will Definitely Kiss Dean there is no other option for the writers at this point.  Sigh.  Here, have another shot of Dean anxiously cleaning his gun as he always does when Cas has Gone Off For Reasons -

Anyway, this feels like a filler episode at first, but as always they bury the ENTIRE damn world in it and I am here with my dossier to Unearth It.

Lets start with Bart (demon of terrible nicknames and microagressions) meeting the brothers at Smile Diner to talk about some spell or whatever. 

(I am not thinking about the Cherry Pie meta I AM NOT)

THEY HAVE THE AUDACITY to start with these lines immediately introducing the theme of duality, a thread throughout this episode.

BARTHAMUS

Everything. I've been following your careers a long time. You're a real pain in the pitchfork. And the halo. Natural disrupters. We have that in common, you and I. DEAN

Mm. Yeah, we're twinsies.

***MORE DUALITY!  But as we know, Dean does not like Bart because He Is A Freakin’ Demon

DEAN

Well, see, here's the thing. When a demon tells us to jump, we don't ask how high. We just ice their ass.

UMMM excuse me Barting Bacting Boices?  What is that sexual gaze?  

Then we find out that Bart has 1/2 of the spell.  They need the other 1/2.  Oh, a spell with two parts, you say? [ I am going to scream :) ]

***Also, Dean eats the pie Bart ordered.  I cannot begin to explain to you the state of unwellness that I am in regarding how important this is. DEAN NEVER GETS TO EAT THE PIE, remember?  But in This Filler Episode, Dean eats the pie. While Sam looks at him with a very quizzical expression.  Pie -> what Dean wants but never actually gets -> Dean actively eating this pie.  Dean is coming to terms that maybe he can have what he wants.

***I am reminding you again that this is post widower-arc, post-reunion, and especially post-Tombstone.  Anyway-

Now we get to Smash and Grab.  Not literally even though I want to Commit Such Conduct at this point.  We are introduced to two one off characters named 

Smash (human/female presenting) -  can crack any safe built by man 

and Grab (demon/male presenting)-  expert in bypassing supernatural security.

Reaching or no, you can’t disagree that when spn introduces one off characters - it is almost always a Narrative Parallel or Mirror.

So we have a human and a demon (and Dean Winchester, a human who has been a demon)

who are experts in cracking open/bypassing something that has been secured and guarded (breaking down walls, if you will).  

They also use fake names identifying them as Tools to be Used ( Dean Winchester, the Michael Sword/daddys blunt little instrument)

BONUS:

Dean himself is literally used as a tool in this episode.

So yeah.  Smash and Grab are physical representations of Dean’s duality.  Human/Demon.  Femininity/Masculinity.  Dare we say something else, too?

Anyway, Dean is paired with Smash and Grab; Sam is off to idk negotiate weird artifact purchases lawboy style with Luther Shrike, a man who cannot die so long as he never leaves his house (I cannot even begin to unpack this shit; please just sit there and think about it.  I’m not even going there here.  I CANNOT DISCUSS Luther Shrike RN).

Speaking of things I cannot discuss without halgdhsag;lsa - Smash has very Specific boots (a look overall, really).

DEAN

Hey, Winona. The '90s called. They'd like their shoes back. SMASH

Shh.

***That’s right girl - do not take his shit; he actually LOVES them and is therefore Overcompensating for it with this little jab.

***Dean’s pop culture references and particular attention to the details here Should Not Be Overlooked.  90s! Winona! Ryder!

ANYWAY, then Dean and Smash bond over a caffeinated beverage -

[While Dean is doing a spell, Smash opens a can of drink, takes a mouthful and burps loudly. ] SMASH

Ahh. DEAN

You're weird.

***This scene makes me literally insane. (even aside from Dean living on something named NERVE DAMAGE as a KID.  They could have called it anything. You’re saying this wasn’t a Choice)  

She chugs a swallow of the drink and burps.  Something stereotypically associated with masculinity.  Not feminine.  Dean’s reaction is that she is “weird” - because she is not acting in a way stereotypically, J*hn Winchester brain-rot patriarchy bullshit-tily associated with Being Female.  But also, says the stupid show, they like the same soda.  They are The Same.  She shares the soda with Dean.  HIS FACE WHEN SHE DOES -

Other similarities are addressed throughout the episode (they are working for demons because they have no choice; they don’t discuss feelings/emotions, they both sold their soul, they both This Thing - 

DEAN

You know, we could help you. SMASH

No, you can't. I gotta take care of me.

etc. etc.) Smash is absolutely dean-coded.

****Also it’s textually established that Smash thinks Dean is attractive -

GRAB

[looking at Smash] Oh. You said he was just a pretty face. SMASH 

Shh.

***But Grab flirts with him too.

DEAN

I will kill you. GRAB

I bet you say that to all the girls.

***sorry, Grab - you won’t get far with Dean, but only because as he mentioned in the beginning of this episode - 

Drowley rights.

Now Dean has to put his hand in the mouth of this stone lion thing and all of a sudden he is acting....very-not-like-Dean.

[Dean looks again and takes a deep breath.] DEAN

I… how about this? What if I cut myself, put it on, like, a little piece of paper? We'll just wad it up and throw it in the mouth, okay? Okay. 

***Dean Winchester, who has been to Literal HELL, who has been torn apart by hellhounds, who has battled the devil and angels and God’s sister - all at the expense of his own life is now - afraid of spiders.  Well, technically he has always been afraid of spiders, but why isn’t ‘he being performative about it At This Time??

***Come to think of it, this sends me right back to how Jackles was playing Dean in 12x11 Regarding Dean THE episode dissecting Dean’s performative masculinity [one day I will clean up and post that analysis sitting in my drafts like a sad hamster]. That makes sense actually, because -> -> ->

that episode and this one are both written by Meredith Glynn.  Girl get in I want to torture you affectionately with a barrage of questions.

So here we have Dean and he’s not performing for Reasons, and he’s scared he’s genuinely scared of putting his hand in this stone lion-gargoyle-pig-creature’s mouth and then -

Smash gives him a push.

She gives him a push.  I cannot stop thinking about how she gives him a push.  A push to go do this thing that he is scared of; his fear being something he was hiding under his performative masculinity. Smash - dean coded dean mirror who does not perform femininity and is ‘weird’ -  she   gives   him   a     p u s h.

***linking here for the jackting joices that follow.

Now, let’s circle back to Smash’s story; why she is working for Bart in the first place -

SMASH

You think I wanna be here? Like I have a choice? SAM

You made a deal. SMASH

Wow! You think? SAM

You sold your soul. SMASH

And if I could take it back, I would. 

there is no reason for this picture here other than I needed you to see the jackting again

***How does the story end for Smash?

DEAN

Take care of you. [Dean glances down at the box, and then at Smash. She sees that Dean has put a lighter on top of the bones.]  BARTHAMUS

Alice, chop chop! 

[Bart indicates she should get his bones]. SMASH

Yeah. [She grabs the lighter and sets Bart's bones alight. Bart screams as he bursts into flames. ] 

***She accepts help and breaks free from the narrative, literally burning it down. The female presenting but not female-performing “weird” ooc representing a side of Dean breaks FREE because she makes a choice.  The lighter Dean drops? It’s a push.  And she goes with it.

Alice reclaims her story.

(Also, Grab gets ganked.  The male presenting ooc; the performative masculinity side; the demon; the darkness; the not-humanity - gets ganked).

Guess what Dean says to Alice when they say goodbye?

DEAN

Hey, Alice. Stay weird.

[I know the peace sign is probably just a Charlie throwback but I’d still like to say duality.  Two. ]

Dean’s not just talking to Alice.  He’s talking to himself; because the walls have been breached and for once Dean isn’t as scared of being different.  Maybe, just maybe, he’s going along with the push.  That’s exactly how the episode ends - with Dean feeling a little more hopeful, a little more at peace; a little more Considering he is capable of not only loving Cas but also not hating himself for it. 

[until the knowledge that Mary is still alive and the guilt of allowing himself ANY happy thoughts instead of looking for her miserably rears its ugly head in 13x09 and round and round we go but for NOW at least -> ]

DEAN

I'll drink to that.

(oh look Dean is just wearing his henley.  It’s almost as if a layer has been peeled back).

tagging @im-shaking-like-milk​ and @deanwasalwaysbi​ for letting me ramble on to them while writing this; and @lilac-void​ because you are always so kind about my stuff :)

[ruby-whistler]

I was thinking about something you said yesterday about c!dream not having anyone reach out to him and it go me thinking. Because at least based on what i remember your analysis tends to have this tone of like, blame on others for not being a support system or positive influence on c!dream, which i think us unintetionally. Which made me think. Can you blame someone for not reaching out if they were unaware c!dream was feeling villainsed/unwell mentally? Because to the best of my knowledge he (1/

- never reached out to anyone other then maybe the letter to c!tommy during the pogtopia era, which c!tommy took positively and in fact stated c!dream was his friend several times to him.

Idk if im making sense. Like. If someone does self-harm or suicide or any other thing because of mental illness or otherwise emotional damage, how can people help or be at guilt for not helping if they do not know? The reason reaching out is so important to me is because people reach out when they acknowledge they need help and are willing to get it.

Idk i just feel like any form of emotional support or otherwise won't work unless a person is willing to be helped if that makes sense? Like. Lemme use an example from dsmp.

Would you blame c!dream if c!tommy had ended up commiting suicide? Would you blame c!ranboo? C!dream knew c!tommy was suicidal but didn't like. Encourage him to go to therapy. C!ranboo didn't either but unlike c!dream he had no power to revoke the exile. Would either be at blame for inertia? I genuinely don't know.

Let's go with another example here. C!tommy unintentionally hurts c!tubbo by saying he has thicker skin. C!tubbo hasn't talked to anyone about his trauma or suicidal ideation (one example is the dead man's switch) Is tommy at fault for not knowing tubbo's trauma? No! It's up to whoever has the trauma or mental issue to seek help or let people know, at least in this case.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense pls correct if wrong. Sorry if that last ask doesn't make sense. I'll rewrite it if i need to because i don't wanna come across wrong or offend anyone i just want to share my perspective and thoughts.

I think i know how to express what i wanted to yesterday but more concise and actually makes sense: you can't blame people for not helping if people don't ask for help. I can elaborate if needed

i think it would've been largely blamed on c!dream if c!tommy did end up dying by his own hand in exile. and i think that would've been... in a way fair, because he knew what he was doing, and he knew what was happening to c!tommy. but this is besides the point, because c!tommy was actively stopped from seeking help by c!dream, so the example doesn't really apply.

i think the problem with "he should've let people know" is that a common trauma response is to emotionally isolate yourself (raises hand) like in c!tubbo's case. of course you can't blame someone for not doing something they didn't know they were supposed to do, but it's... it's still bad the person didn't get help.

you know, when i talk about c!dream being abandoned, not being given a chance, or not being helped, i'm not,,, i'm not talking about the people who didn't reach out to him being in the wrong. i'm talking about him and how it affected him. how it was sad and messed up, because people need and deserve support in their life.

i blame the environment, the wars, the cycle of violence, the being hurt and then hurting others and justifying it to yourself. i don't blame the individuals - their mistakes are also a part of this loop, these situations they get stuck inside of, but they're flawed and they're human. they deserve help and they don't get it, not because all of the people around them are bad people, but because they're all hurting and make plenty of mistakes as a result.

i blame the environment for the way c!dream ended up, partially, because it could've been better. it could've ended up otherwise. that's how it should've been in a perfect world. the thing is... the dream smp is the furthest thing from perfect.

the only reason i'm ever critical of characters when it comes to the treatment of c!dream is when they do bad things after not helping him. the entire server watching him be killed twice over even though he had put away all of his weapons. c!sapnap saying he'd kill him if he escaped, while seeing the terrible conditions and what they're doing to him. c!puffy saying he doesn't deserve therapy.

sure, you could come up with justifications for a lot of this stuff, but when knowing they really did nothing to help him when he needed it most, these things just rub me in the wrong way, you know?

at this point, they know something changed. they know something happened, but they dehumanize him and let him be hurt anyways with no further wish to help after not being there in the first place.

c!dream deserved better than to have his home ripped apart and to be left alone and put in such situations. he was affected by the actions and inactions of others.

i'm not saying other people caused his bad reactions to the environment, or that they made him hurt them.

was it awful that c!dream has shown to probably not be in the best place mentally and has had his entire support system shattered when he was possibly in a dark period of his life? yes! do i blame the characters for what happened? no! they all need help! get them therapy! it's all messed up! they're all hurting each other, and that sucks - but they also deserve nothing but to get better.

/dsmp /rp

[marley-manson]

so the thing about me is i’m actually pretty incapable of enjoying things through a purely watsonian lens. i can’t look at a show or book or something and just like, pretend that it’s real, the characters are all real people with agency, and imagine stuff from that perspective

and part of it is that i love narratives and storytelling and just enjoy viewing characters as constructs, but i’m starting to think another part of it is that trying to extrapolate facts about real people just doesn’t make sense to me lol. if i’m pretending a fictional character is real and trying to understand them through that perspective, then it feels futile and pointless. on that level, there are so many possibilities that just about anything can be in character if you put in some work to justify it.

so eg, to pick a topic off the top of my head that I vaguely recall seeing discussion on recently in the mash tag or something and therefore has been on my mind a little: was hawkeye popular growing up?

doyalist: yes. he talks about his old childhood friends a lot, he has idyllic memories of childhood which are very relevant to his narrative arc, and he has a fratboy style confidence that certainly suggests he’s always been confident. if we were meant to understand that he was an outcast growing up then we would be shown or told that, because it would be a surprising contrast to the rest of his character that writers would not leave up to viewer assumption.

watsonian: who knows? anything’s possible, the human experience is rich and varied and can’t be generalized, maybe all his childhood memories are altered, or maybe he just never mentions being an outcast and pretends otherwise, maybe he didn’t get confident til university, maybe it’s all just a fake it til you make it act and he’s never been confident actually, we can’t read his mind so literally anything is possible.

idk I’ve been thinking about this because Mash is a show that really really lends itself to more watsonian takes because it’s so character driven and episodic, and I’m into that watsonian angle moreso than with a lot of other fandoms I’ve been into, but I still can’t fully roll with it. It’s like I need that sense of narrative intent as an anchor point. I can still headcanon stuff, but like, I need a lot of canon to point to as justification for any headcanons, yk?

Like for the bipolar Hawkeye headcanon - you have canonical manic or at least hypomanic episode(s) and a full on manic break, you have at least one jokey reference to him being manic depressive and plenty other references to more ambiguous mental illness/unwellness, and you have lots of evidence that he’s more affected by the stress of the war than most others because of it, from Trapper and Henry wondering why he’s more fucked up than them at the end of Dr Pierce and Mr Hyde to Hawkeye making jokes about the war driving him more out of his mind than he already was.

I don’t think bipolar hawkeye is fully intended, I think the main intent is for his mania to be a symptom of war related stress with some potential for Hawkeye to be more vulnerable to that stress thanks to ambiguously less than perfect mental health in general, but I think it’s a pretty easy conclusion to draw.

Unless it’s gay/bi headcanons, those are exceptions that I can always work into a character lol. Though actually I say that, but lbr I only get invested in stuff if it’s practically inviting a gay read, so maybe I just don’t have a control variable there.

[isshuns]

word dump

untitled kuroken fic in the lex miserables series :’) tw: eating problems, feeling disconnected from oneself, anxiety, idk if there’s depression in this lolol

the realisation that something is wrong with himself comes to kenma one day when hinata invites him to one of the firm’s after-work bonding sessions. 

these bonding sessions usually take place on friday evenings, taking advantage of the happy hour policies of the bar down the street. the usual participants - tora, ryuu, noya, inuoka, lev and hinata - gather by kenma’s door while hinata beams at him expectantly, waiting for his acceptance to an invite that goes rejected every week. 

it’s admirable, really, that hinata tries so hard to include him in the after-work team bonding sessions. it’s a benefit fully paid for by the firm, courtesy of the partners insisting that any costs for team bonding ought to be shouldered by the employers, but kenma is always the last person to ever take advantage of this benefit. it is probably the one single benefit of his employment that he rarely takes advantage of. 

“come on, kenma, it’ll be fun!” hinata grins, radiant like the sun. 

kenma blinks, steals a glance at the time displayed by the corner of his desktop, and sighs.

“sorry, shouyou, not today.” it ought to get easier each passing time he rejects hinata’s offer to drink themselves silly, but somehow it isn’t. the guilt that crawls through his skin consistently makes him sick with anxiety every time.

“it’s okay, next time, kenma! i’ll be sure to get you to come one day!” 

hinata is welcome to try.

hunger faintly registers itself in his brain, but he has no appetite at all. he works backwards to identify his thought patterns for the past few days. he either stress-ate and had more meals per day than he usually did, or he didn’t eat at all despite knowing that he would get hungry the next day, 

if kuroo noticed anything, kenma is only grateful that he hasn’t commented on it at all. 

it feels strange, swinging from one end of the spectrum to the other end back and forth day by day. at the end of the journey, all kenma feels is bone deep exhaustion, bitter hopelessness and a sense of resignation.

on one day, he felt better, and indulged himself with an expensive unagi bento set from the michelin starred sushi restaurant down in roppongi. without digging in yet, he passed by his favourite bakery, saw his favourite apple pies fresh out of the oven, and bought two large slices on impulse. 

kenma ate everything in one go for dinner. in the aftermath, the food he ingested probably washed away all the good cheer he had too. he felt sick, fat, and sluggish with too much food in his now round belly, and desperately wished that his stomach would stay flat forever instead. kenma felt disgusted with himself then, but not to the point he would stick his finger down his throat and purge everything out of his disgestive system. it was a passing thought, one he gave serious consideration to, but did not act on it because kuroo would find out. 

the next day, he somehow felt dissatisfied, craved for the hash browns from mcdonald’s, and bought a breakfast set on a whim. kenma finished the entire meal on the way to work. and then he had lunch with the department, and by the time the sun was setting across the tokyo skyline, he lowkey disliked the feeling of ingesting food so much that he skipped dinner that night and forgoed all proper meals for the remaining days of the week. he survived on one single meal during lunch time, and continued to drown in the loss of appetite.

kenma hates this. he hates his relationship with food. he hates that therapy isn’t helping him to deal with this, that all the coping techniques he’s learned throughout therapy never prepared him for this. his next session with takeda-san is scheduled after another three weeks or so, and kenma is about to fling himself off the tokyo bridge if he has to continue surviving the days like this. 

after hinata leaves, kenma continues to stare at his desktop, a blank expanse stretched across the monitor. he’s supposed to start on the submissions after trial for a case, but the cursor continues to blink and taunt him from the beginning of the blank page. 

quietly, kenma slides open the drawer beside him, and quietly peruses the takeout menu kuroo left on his table last week before he travelled to hokkaido for a week-long trial. the yellow post-it note is still stuck onto the top left corner of the flyer. 

just in case you don’t feel like going out for meals~, it reads. 

it ought to feel endearing, and it would have, but kenma is stuck in some sort of fugue state with no exit in sight. so all he feels is emptiness, and disappointment in himself for failing to appreciate and capture the true emotion the post-it note meant to provide. 

distantly, kenma feels the signs of hunger incoming. all he had for today was one salmon mayo onigiri from the local familymart at ground floor at noon. right now, time has trickled by and is inching closer towards 8pm. with the pandemic, restaurants will close soon. 

i should order something, kenma tells himself, but the lack of appetite overpowers all semblance of rationality, disconnects his thoughts and shuts down his brain. by the time kenma leaves the office, the takeout menu is tucked back into the drawer, out of sight, out of mind.

-----------------------------------

kenma hears the sound of something frying coming from his apartment before he actually smells food in the air. the train leading home was oddly empty today for a friday evening, and kenma had almost the entire carriage to himself. hunger never came back to find him while he stared blankly out of the windows, lost to the static buzzing across his mind.

kuroo is back today, early, his brain tells him unhelpfully as he fishes out his key and unlocks the door, kuroo is cooking.

his mouth waters at the smell of fried oil wafting through the air, but somehow he still doesn’t feel hungry, nor does he feel the need to eat. if he doesn’t exert himself tonight and sleeps early, kenma is confident that he can power through the night without sustenance until lunchtime next morning. 

“welcome home~” kuroo chimes, voice rising above the sizzling sound of hot oil frying in a pan. 

kenma doesn’t need to wait for long before his partner appears before him in the genkan, ridiculous pink apron draped in front of his expensive armani dress shirt as he brandishes a pair of long chopsticks in kenma’s face.

“i cooked dinner.” kuroo declares proudly. because i know you have not eaten yet, goes unsaid.

what should kenma say now? i know, or that’s nice, or perhaps i’m not hungry? which response should he give that would not trigger kuroo to overreact and fuss over his recent lack of appetite? kenma doesn’t want kuroo to worry again. kuroo should only smile, and not have to worry about his wellbeing.

kuroo must have picked up on his mental dilemma, and gives him the easy way out. 

“why don’t you go wash up? i’ll be done in five, then we can eat together.” he smiles, and ducks to peck a chaste kiss on kenma’s forehead before going back to the kitchen.

kenma’s heart twists in guilt. 

when he’s done showering, kenma stands in front of the wardrobe mirror in nothing but kuroo’s oversized shirt hanging off his wiry frame. his face is thinner now, cheek bones more prominent. his fingers travel down from his jawline to press against the collarbones hidden beneath pale skin. 

the hard touch of bones brings him comfort, somehow. with this, kenma will never have to feel disgusted with himself by eating too much and having food fill up his stomach. the sick feeling that he gets from eating one meal too much a day won’t return to haunt him anymore like this. his brain is now quiet, nothing is telling him that he needs to eat, that he needs to pick up the phone to order for food, that he needs to put on decent clothes and walk down the street to get food.

nothing, except kuroo, who is walking up to him this instant, fond expression painted across his handsome features, and planting his large hands over his hipbones.

“have i ever told you how much i love seeing you in my shirt?” kuroo dips his head and presses a kiss against kenma’s shoulder. 

kenma rolls his eyes. kuroo’s smile grows wider, brighter, and he releases him after stroking his thumbs across kenma’s hipbones not once but twice.

“come, kenma,” kuroo leads him to the table, where a bowl of udon and assorted tempura awaits him. kenma’s shoulders drop a little more. 

“eat,” kuroo says.

kuroo takes a seat across him, still smiling, and waits for kenma to start digging in. instead, kenma waits and counts the seconds it would take for that smile to disappear off kuroo’s face. 

in this house, there is no need to pretend to force food down his oesophagus and feel shitty about it later. kenma chooses not to touch his food, just like how kuroo hasn’t touched his either. 

“are you feeling unwell, kenma?” the smile is still there, perched on kuroo’s lips, but kenma notices the way it tightens a little and loses the casualness it once possessed mere seconds ago.

“... no.” 

“are you not hungry?”

kenma fidgets in his seat. how does he tell kuroo that he just doesn’t feel like eating? that he looks at food and his brain doesn’t tell him to consume them for sustenance anymore? 

“yeah. i’m not hungry, sorry, after you cooked and all that.” he says, quietly, like the walls of this house have ears and nowhere is safe for his ugly feelings to go. 

“that’s alright, kenma. you don’t have to be sorry, we can save this for lunch tomorrow.” kuroo gestures vaguely in the air, “we have snacks. eat something. let’s not go to bed on an empty stomach.” 

kenma shrinks further into his seat. he really doesn’t want to eat at all today, for some reason. the thought of food swimming in his stomach makes him feel a little sick. 

“hey, kenma,” kuroo reaches out to touch him, voice soft, “what’s wrong? you can tell me, I won’t be mad.”

kuroo stands from his seat, and comes to sit beside kenma and pull the latter into his arms. he always comes to him, never the other way around. kenma doesn’t know what to make of it, but he feels touched yet guilty at the same time. he knows he should reach out to kuroo more often, reassure him whenever things are looking up, but it’s always kuroo that reaches out first because he knows and understands how difficult it is for kenma step out of his anxiety and take the first step. 

kenma doesn’t deserve kuroo’s love. he will never be worthy of his affections.

“i just... don’t feel like eating. lately.” the last word comes out softer, barely a whisper, but from the way kuroo’s arms tighten around his shoulders, kenma knows kuroo has picked up the intended meaning behind his words. 

“it’s okay to feel that way,” kuroo tells him kindly, “it’s okay.”

“i don’t know why. i just... feel disconnected, somehow, from myself.” 

“thank you for telling me, kenma. what can i do to help?”

kenma wants to cry. well, at least that’s a feeling other than emptiness in him now.

“I don’t know, kuro.”

“we’ll figure it out. it’s okay, we’ll take baby steps, one step at a time. i will be here with you to support you.”

kenma closes his eyes and leans against kuroo’s lean body. he buries his nose into the juncture between kuroo’s neck and shoulder, seeking warmth and comfort. he feels the tension seep out of kuroo’s shoulders when kenma finally reciprocates, knowing that kenma isn’t closing himself off to the world now, to kuroo. the door leading to kenma’s being is still open and nobody has slammed any door closed yet.

kenma sighs.

“thank you,” he says.