#idk i overthink a lot when i hang out w ppl but with you i was able to bounce off of you super easily

[icyfox17]

SOBBING EIL ILY THANK YOUUDHDHDJDJSJSSS

SO MANY HUGS!!!!! im glad i was a vibe irl hehehhee i def tend to feel more myself online so i never know how it's gonna translate irl LOL

EIL YOURE AMAZING TOOO<33333

not to be overly sentimental or anything but i do think that @icyfox17 is one of the best people you will ever meet in a fandom space,,,, nothing but supportive to all fans (whether writer or artist or gifmaker or whatever else) and is always excited to talk about things. always has something kind to say and is so lovely and nice in a way i dont find most people are nowadays, especially online

i've known them for several years at this point and they are just very dear to me and have introduced me (directly or indirectly) to some of my other close friends like 🙁 icy you are so wonderful and special love u

[f-nodragonart]

How do you draw folded bat wings? I tried to look up references but it looks so dark and such a mess that I can't figure out what's going on. All my dragons have their wings sticking out and I want them to relax and fold their wings, but I can't figure it out.

first, know that having a good grasp on wing anatomy is the first step, so I rec checkin out my crash-course on vertebrate wings, if u need it. I’ll try to summarize some of the more relevant points when necessary here, tho

that said, real-life folded bat wings are actually a lot messier than u might expect, as bat bones/joints are SUPER-duper flexible

tho this may also be a consequence of their legs/hips being right there, splayed out where the ends of their fingers fold up, and other body types prolly wouldn’t require that particular zig-zig crinkling of the fingertips

I also doubt that that level of flexibility would even be available in the bones/joints of dragons as large as horses, or even just dogs, though I could be wrong about that

either way, I’ll give you some examples of how I approach folded bat wings in my designs

so here we’ve got a standard folded bat wing. note that the LOWER arm is the most visible portion of the the arm anatomy-- the lower arm pulls up over the upper arm, and the fingers curl up under both arm sections 

the “tightness” of the folding can vary, depending on the look you want. real-life bats obviously have CRAZY flexible wrists, and can tuck their fingers snug up against their arms/bodies all the way down. and I’m sure you could pull the wrist up a lil closer to the shoulder if need be. however, I believe the position as I’ve drawn-- with the lower arm hanging a bit down towards the front of the body, and the fingers loosely tucking in-- could be a perfectly comfortable, relaxed position for folded bat-dragon wings. this is especially considering that bat wings would be located more towards the midline/sides of the torso rather than right up near the spine like birds, meaning gravity would pull on them a bit more easily, possibly lending to this loose pose. BUT that also depends on the exact wing muscle configuration-- wings generally have pretty good ‘locking’ mechanisms when tucked closed, so tighter tucking is a perfectly reasonable possibility

I will note that wings ought not to be tucked up on top of the back. even bird wings located closer to the spine don’t rest their wrists above the shoulders-- the wings still hang to the sides, with the wrists held near the front of the body

I can’t imagine that pulling the wings back constantly is very comfortable, much less a position that affords the wing muscles any rest

tho the elbows would prolly need to be pulled next to or above the hips a bit, so the elbows don’t interfere with hind leg movement

on that note, also notice the anatomical proportions of the wings and how they affect the look of the folded wing. the upper arm of a wing will ALWAYS be shorter than the lower arm, so when they’re folded up, the wrist will stick out in front of the shoulder. usually even in front of the front limb shoulders, depending on the size of the wings (I think I drew these wings a bit small in comparison to body size, but we’ll just pretend this guy ain’t a particularly strong flyer)

the finger proportions are actually very similar to human fingers, in that the sections closest to the wrist are longest/thickest, while the sections closer to the tips are shorter/thinner. this means that when the fingers fold up, the bases will have long sections without joints, while the tips will be able to curl quite tightly, which you may be able to visualize more precisely here

the bend back under the arm at the 3rd joint may, admittedly, be a bit too sharp even by bat standards, so the fingers may still need to follow the line of the body

but I still think the fingers should be able to curl up under the arm just fine, honestly

now, while it’s important to know the underlying structures here, also note that certain parts of the folded wing (like fingertips) simply won’t be visible due to the membrane

and this is where folded wings get tricky-- not only is it hard to keep track of what’s covered up, but also what sections are connected to one another! hopefully the above diagram helps you visualize how the membrane lays over the overall arm structure at least, but being able to follow membrane connections in different positions takes a bit of familiarizing with overall wing anatomy

(also note that for ease of seeing the base anatomy, I’m not adding in most of the membrane wrinkles I usually would. just keep in mind that bat membranes are embedded w/ a lotta lil tendons that help scrunch up the membrane and hold the wings steady)

I will at least point out one particular section of membrane that trips folks up a lot

here, it’s important to remember that the back edge of the membrane (specifically the plagiopatagium section), connecting back onto the body, is ALSO connected to the back of the arm AND the pinkie finger. thus, we must keep in mind the flow of this section of membrane in the folded wing. note that it may very well cover up part of the visible finger(s) (particularly the pinkie) just before they tuck underneath the arm, as I’ve shown above

now, something fun about bat wings is that they’ve got ROTATION in their wrists! so, unlike birds, you can give yourself some freedom in how many of the fingers are visible, when folded up

I WILL say, though, that real-life bats seem to go for the latter folding, more reminiscent of a bird folding their wrist sideways next to their lower arm rather than curling the wrist underneath the lower arm. but, again, bats have way more leeway in wrist flexion, so I think any of these wrist positions are perfectly possible for a bat-winged dragon

and this flexion will also be affected by the kinda palm you give your wings. while many dragon artists give their dragons humanoid palms, real-life bats don’t actually have palms-- the metacarpals that make up our palms are actually the base bones of bat wing fingers. thus, bats just have a tiny connection area of carpals to connect fingers to arm, allowing for a frankly crazy range of flexion. while I’m not sure about how exactly a palm might affect flight, I don’t think they’re necessarily a problem so long as they’re downsized (palms proportionally the size of human palms compared to the arm would be WAY too heavy/thick for flight..) and retrofit for flight in shape (think about oncoming air currents and what parts of the palm would need to be more/less stabilized or aerodynamically shaped)

also note that, if the wing has a thumb and it’s visible, then the front edge membrane (propatagium) is gonna attach to it

like so (depending on the exact position of the thumb, of course)

now, I know some dragon artists like to curl the tips of the fingers up over the elbows, like this

and like, sure, the tips may be visible past the back edge of the membrane, if you go for the finger-tuck where the fingers follow the line of the body. or if the fingertips aren’t typically bat-like, but are stiffer and incapable of comfortably curling up. I’m specifically thinking of designs with faux-feather cartilage, or those with pterosaur-like fans of cartilage fibers across the membrane, leading to more bird-like folding

but idk, this desire to pull the fingertips up over the membrane THAT far seems uncomfortable and unnecessary? like, I really don’t understand why a dragon wouldn’t simply tuck their fingertips up against their body, following underneath the membrane, as a bat does. if anyone wants to argue me this point, I’m willing to hear it out tho

so, I know that was a lot of hyper-specific info, but if you step back for a minute and just take in the overall look of a folded bat wing, it turns out folded bat wings are WAY easier than most ppl realize!

truly, so many people overthink like, where the fingertips end up, or how the membrane overlays the arm. but once you understand how it all fits together, you can condense the look of it into basic shapes like this

and you can add or subtract detail depending on your style, how defined you want the arm to be from the membrane, how wrinkly/detailed you want the membrane, etc.

hope this helps!

-Mod Spiral

[reversecreek]

clicks onto the dash wearing kitten heels n coyly holding my bang....... hi. me again. it took me so long to select a gif to use on cricket’s intro n i settled on this one bc he looks so unsure abt his smile n it’s rly his essence <3 u can find his pinterest board here n his (work in progress) spotify playlist here. hmu to plot!!! 

* alex wolff, cis male + he/him | you know cricket donahue, right? they’re twenty-two, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, all of their life, on and off? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to should have known better by sufjan stevens like, a million times this year, which slipping on wet leaves to photograph a tree struck alight by lightning, delivering a tedtalk to your own reflection to hype yourself up to buy groceries, hiding your hands inside of your sleeves in case you grew an impromptu megan fox thumb overnight thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is october 1st, so they’re a libra, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( nai, 24, gmt, she/her )

HISTORY:

cricket ws born to a couple tht lived in lilac ridge. their trailer was tucked closest to the woods n always fell under the shade. it was like the leaves wanted to pretend they were a perpetual hanging cloud on the family n that was kind of fitting. their only reason fr having him in the first place was a kind of shrugged like........... we’re under the income bracket we’d get child benefits so why not! may as well try it to rake in some extra cash! needless to say they didn’t rly think it thru or anticipate all of the responsibilities tht came w children n wound up seeing him as an extremely large burden n boy didn’t he know it!

(child neglect & abuse tw) i’ll try to keep this part vague n brief but things were Not Good for cricket growing up. people in lilac ridge didn’t like his parents n it was for a gd reason. he remembers foggy things. being little n wandering around combing the grass with a stick to search for wrappers to suck on bc he was hungry. feeling uneasy when the front door opened. finding out his name was cricket bc the insects used to crawl into their trailer thru the vents n his parents liked to squish them into the carpet -- his mum told him as much once. i think this says a lot. to excessively trim the fat of the story he wound up entering the system at around 8 after his latest and most serious hospital visit. his parents hd to deal w the authorities n last he heard they bounced to evade charges.

(anxiety & violence & trauma tw) cricket sustained a few lifelong injuries from his time in lilac ridge. his knee didn’t heal right which meant he had (n still has to this day) a limp n he’s partially deaf in one ear. he’s always been an incredibly insecure n anxious person so this mde him rly self conscious going into a strange n new environment tht wld b difficult fr any kid to adjust to, nvm w these added worries. he jst felt like something weird to ogle at honestly. he probably wld have felt like that no matter where he was or what he looked like. he cld be in a huge hall of 200 people all wearing the same uniform n he’d still feel like the odd one out. needless to say this didn’t rly help him make friends

cricket’s coping mechanisms were romanticising the things tht other people found ugly or embarrassing or painfully ordinary. he liked it when the rain hit clunky drops against school windows n forbid everyone from playing outside bc he could feel the vibrations through the rubber soles of his shoes n it was a little bit like hearing all of the world at once fr just a moment. he liked medieval fantasy lore about stout gnomes w crumbs in their beards n cheeks red from ale. he liked fallen nests with the remnants of hatched eggs still dirty from the branches n soil they’d hit on the way down. he liked the way the sunlight leaked thru the leaves of the trees in the woods and how, when he sat very still, he could tune into the ringing that was always in his ear n pretend it was coming from the same place, that light thru the leaves, that the angels were trying to talk to him.

he spent a lot of time in the red room at his high skl (i’m begging u this is not a 50 shades reference) (after googling i jst realised it’s called a darkroom bt i’m leaving this fr the sake of sexy bimbo authenticity) n felt quite at home in there. he borrowed a camera whenever he cld (maybe he did yearbook) n photography became his way of immortalising the world as the romanticised version he wanted it to be. his memories were bad bt his photos were beautiful. maybe if he took enough they’d paste over n bleed into each other. maybe bad cld be replaced w beautiful if he tried his very best.

he got placed into fostering w a family once bt apparently didn’t meet the vibe check of their tastes so he wound up returning to the group home he’d initially been placed in. overall this is where he grew up n he aged out the system rather than getting adopted. there was a sense of floundering/isolation/not feeling gd enough in tht bt cricket made do the best he knew how. 

that said there were some gd points! (shocking i kno bc his life hs been so fking bleak so far bt please it’s ok........) (is it?) (🤔). basically he interned as an assistant at this local photography studio during high skl working under this kind of whimsical yet endearing old man. suspected wizard possibly in cricket’s eyes, as an avid fantasy genre reader. for one of his bdays said old man / his boss bought him his very own film camera n cricket cried bc he’d never been bought a bday gift. this ws rly embarrassing bc this old man didn’t know how to emote n neither did cricket so he ws jst sort of sat wiping his eyes n sniffling saying he wasn’t crying as the old man pretended to suddenly clean his lenses. when cricket graduated he offered him a full time position there. they do like. wedding photographs n family portraits n all kinds of things...... pay isn’t huge bt it’s something n he Loves taking photos so it’s sexy <3

PERSONALITY:

SUCH an anxious person it’s actually unreal. overthinks absolutely everything he’s ever said. one morning he might hv put green socks on n for the rest of the day he’s nervously looking around like omggggggg they’re all looking at my socks probably thinking im a little green sock boy thinking i’m a fool n a jester this is all everyone’s probably thinking about i hv to hide my green socks..... even tho literally no-one cares

once saw a girl eating a chicken wing n in his head was like ok she likes chicken good future gift idea..... n turned up at her house with an entire rotisserie chicken

probably thinks WAY too hard abt what to write in bday cards n googles like generic ideas that he can use.... u open a card from cricket n it always says smthn weird like “Warmest wishes and love on your birthday and always!” or “You deserve everything happy. Wishing you that all year long!” tht he got off google

nervously fiddles w things a lot. literally anything. his hair. the cuffs of his sleeves. a thread on his bag. u name it

struggles w eye contact sometimes............ it’s like. he wants to talk to ppl n make friends bt he’s honestly so bad at it. he’s fumbling thru life like a nervous headless chicken

ALWAYS has his camera on him. like always. will tke a photo of u bc he thinks u look nice then be like im so sorry im so sorry...... bowing his head shakily holding his camera bc he doesn’t even kno what possessed him he jst thought it’d be a nice photograph bt boundaries exist. probably breathes very heavily over this later in his room panicking thinking he nw seems like hannibal lecter

probably more confident online bc he has time to think abt what he says more.......... i can see him hving a group of online friends tht he’s more confident w. honestly he’s pretty witty at heart he jst has a hard time verbalising things so ppl overlook him sometimes bt once u get to know him more / he’s more comfy he can b a funny little man.....

loves photographs where he cuts something out of them. loves missing spaces n voids. thinks it’s a rly interesting concept when something that isn’t there becomes the focus of a photograph where everything else is. probably loses his mind fr a collage like a front row 1d stan. likes experimenting w light n perception. pretty artistic honestly hs probably made a stop motion film in the past bc that’s just an extended form of photography in his mind bt i doubt he showed anyone

ummm...... very sweet bt like. he reminds me a lot of this quote. “he had the awkward tenderness of someone who has never been loved and is forced to improvise.” feel like tht sums him up quite nicely

WANTED CONNECTIONS

someone he met at a wedding: cricket probably ws forced to photograph a wedding fr his boss one time n it cld b interesting as a place to meet from that....... like. i can imagine either it being rly awkward maybe he accidentally spilled a drink on ur muse n was stuttering rly apologetic n it ws just a train wreck. or mayb they took pity on him or even (in a shocking turn of events) a shine to him n invited him to drink n dance. omgggg the thought of cricket trying to dance makes me wna die n probably mkes cricket wna hyperventilate bt idk maybe he went wild n let loose. mayb they wound up damaging the camera somehow. mayb they had to scramble to get another one n ur muse covered the cost n it was a strange late night excursion tht cricket thought about a lot since. cricket probably vowed to pay them bk somehow no matter what. idk. we can work things out. lots of diff options here. doesn’t have to b a wedding either can b any event tht required a photographer

ppl he went to school w: pretty self explanatory i suppose...... maybe they were frm completely different worlds..... mayb ur muse was popular n cricket was definitely not but they got paired fr an assignment n had to work on a project together....... mayb cricket asked ur muse on a date one time n it was completely embarrassing bc he didn’t realise they had a bf n it haunts cricket at night still bc he’s rly dramatic.... mayb ur muse felt sry fr him n ate lunch w him n inducted him into their group like a lost puppy finding a home.... world’s our oyster

neighbours from his brief time at lilac ridge: not to reference taylor swift but i’m gna reference taylor swift n say we cld do a seven inspired plot here. sighs a little..... then sighs a lot. he was here ages 0-8 so idk. we cld work out childhood plots perhaps....

sickening simp: i mean.............. cricket probably gets crushes on ppl so easily like just. anyone who’s the slightest bit nice to him.................. he’s a disgrace. ok i take it back. bt also please get it together freak............... i didn’t say that. he’d probably b extra nice to this person n try n pay close attention to things they liked so he cld get them little gifts. just a bit embarrassing n lovestruck bless his heart. wldn’t expect anything back tho honestly that just isn’t something he tends to do.

let’s go gays: cricket’s bi but he probably was rly in his head abt liking boys n tried to sort of squash it internally during his younger yrs...... i think he’s more comfy w it now MAYBE idk bt back then i picture him having a friend tht ws kind of like. similarly loserish as him perhaps (no offence to ur muse potentially filling this plot or cricket bt let’s face the facts) n they’d hang out n play games a lot n one time it jst kind of happened n he was like............. *struts in looking around sharply* What going on here? except not. bc it’s cricket. more like *shambles in looking around anxiously* What’s, uh... What’s... the happenings? S--... I’m sorry. (immediate apology for saying what’s the happenings bc nobody talks like that n it was an impulsive panic bc he didn’t know what else to say)

those who grew up in the system w him: maybe at the group home or i’d also like the family that fostered him n said sayonara. honestly i imagine the parents just thought he ws a bit too much of a handful / had too much baggage which is rly quite merciless n terrible but. if u think that aligns w ur muses home situation hmu......

um. can’t think of more bt just anything honestly. jst go wild.......

[hoeonline]

my thoughts on the signs

aries: y’all r cute but r so fucking messy . CHAOTIC! i literally never know where i stand with you. you have this really weird persona that you put on in front of people and i understand that it is used as protection but i promise tht everyone loves ur soft gooey side that i know u aries have <3

taurus: hello taurus i have a lot of biased thoughts n opinions of u. u r all so STUBBORN. why cant u admit when you’ve done something wrong??? pride??? idk but i can say that y’all r adaptable as fuck and idk if thts a compliment. its as if u morph into the person tht u r hanging with. weird. kinda funny ppl tho

gemini: despite our horrific committment issues and getting bored of everyone... geminis r the best! the charisma! the flavour! geminis rnt two faced they are just multifaceted. we have the ability to have different sides to us: the introspective side and the extroverted side. two faced doesnt have to be a bad thing

cancer: y’all whiney bitches get on my NERVES! literally any time im around a cancer i feel like im sitting with farrah moan. so sensitive.... is ur job overthinking? r u getting paid? but i will admit that cancers r /Kinda/ cute mostly bc they have a crush on everyone they make eye contact with .

leo: can i skip this one . im sick of y’all leos . enough is enough. its a crazy idea but u dnt need to be the centre of a conversation at all times! we KNOW u love validation but its so tired and boring when ur gloomy bc u havent gotten a compliment in 3 minutes. stop starting fights when ur bored. the one thing u have going for u is tht ur like a reality tv show. entertaining when ur bored out of ur mind.

virgo: another earth sign. bland n tasteless! why do u cry every time u make one minor mistake!! the passive aggressiveness tht u exude is crazy.... u rly kno how to make ppl feel like shit. i do wish i was a virgo tho wjuwboej maybe id be a bit more organised n know what im doing w my life.

libra: hello libras y’all r my soulmates. psa im single libras pls date me bc i lov yall. charming..... committment issues....... cute...... my type!

scorpio: can y’all stop with ur possessive ass attitudes. we know u have a small circle. we know ur a weird.. ur a weirdo.... we’ve never seen u without the beanie.. we get it. y’all r the jugheads of the zodiac signs. ur spicy tho so i wldnt mind fucking w u all. 

sagittarius: i honestly . dont know what to say abt sagittarius’. kinda bland but ive never met a bad one. fake as fuck but also honest n will tell u like it is... wldnt mind going out with a sag to the club. probably wldnt want to go tho bc y’all hate crowds

capricorn: hot but boring. caps r like.. real cute. but i cnt imagine us ever getting along. y’all like structure n my gemini ass is too lazy to think of a structure. how do u not get bored of routines. idk. capricorns confuse me. not much else to say

aquarius: my air sign sibling. aquas r cute! committment issues on 11 but all aqua guys r hot i dont get how its possible but ive never met an ugly aquarius. y’all r annoying sometimes but ur not conventional n i kind of love tht abt u. cute.

pisces: pisces! what on gods name r u doing beloved! messy!!!!!!!! sort out ur LIFE!!! ive never met a pisces tht is stable. i do enjoy tht all of y’all love art or are in the creative field bc tht means u can channel all tht emotion into art instead of crying like cancers all the time. hella drugs. hella flip floppy with who they like and who they dont. a SNITCH

[silver-cats]

I’m just shouting into the void here and this is going to be a long emo post srry but I just need to let off some post valentine day steam but I dated this girl (you guys don’t know her so no real point giving you more information than that) a while back and we’ve always been on/off and I called her last October and we started talking about my friends and she told me that she didn’t know them so she ‘didn’t care about them’ and ‘didn’t want to talk about them’ and then a little after she hung up on me.

So I asked her to apologize because it was hurtful, and she recognized that the friend comment was offensive (not the hanging up though? Cool, noted) but didn’t want to apologize still which....is wild. Saying ‘this was hurtful’ as oppose to ‘I’m sorry for hurting you’ is removing yourself from the situation. Idk if any of you guys get what I mean when I say this, but it’s just an objective statement, it’s very matter of factly. It’s almost like you’re on the outside looking at your own actions? Whereas ‘I’m sorry for doing xyz thing’ is taking ‘direct’ accountability.

So anyway I tell her all this and she tells me I’m overthinking things (whatever) and also I tell her that whenever I hurt her I write her paragraph long apologies (not an exaggeration that the craziest part not only that I’m always the one who apologizes first even when it’s not always me who should, and not that I need her validation but she recognizes this too y’all) so anywaaaay she sends me this very disappointing text after I tell her about my habit of apologising first and the attempts I make to really listen to her blah blah and said disappointing text literally says ‘noone forces you to make those long apologies’. Again, wild.

So anyway I just stop talking to her after and she thinks sending me a nice new years message is enough to make amends when, ya, not an apology homie. So I just went MIA to live my own life focus on uni and see how our relationship would develop if I made no attempts whatsoever to reach out to her like I usually do whenever we fight, and turns out there was no relationship at all. Which is v sad. She’s lame but I feel like fronting and pretending to not have feelings is toxic. So yeah I’m sad, but it is what it is.

So yesterday I tell her I don’t want to ever talk to her again because for once in our long long on/off relationship I decided to not apologize first just let her be the bigger person. And that said, actually before going MIA I messaged her 2-3 times to still try to talk things out. I went abooove and beyond. So yeah I basically tell her that from today fourth i don’t want her in my life, and I’m very sad but very proud at the same time of myself. And like thinking abt it now I’m realizing that the reason I wanted to be the ‘nice guy’ w her for so long was because she had a lot of dumbass exes (again objective truth she recognizes) who always did her dirty so I decided to be the nice guy and go above and beyond and just make amends on their behalf and now I’m realizing it’s just not my business. I get emotional baggage and accommodating that to a certain extent (I’m not an idiot I have a degree of emotional intelligence) but at the end of the day I shouldn’t pressure myself to be irrationally nice when at the end of the day her emotional baggage relates to her exes not me. I shouldn’t carry that weight and pressure on my shoulders. Anyway just to say I’m proud of myself rn for finally taking charge of things and for finally having the balls to cut toxic ppl off. And on Valentine’s Day of all days (not intentional, but still kinda cool).

[neonstatic]

haven't spoken much with one friend of mine nowadays. it feels to me that we don't have a lot in common after all. ofc it doesn't help that we don't work together so it's giving object permanence. and he's the kind of person who gets into a relationship and kind of just...disappears in it? a little? which isn't entirely bad but idk how to kindly say that i also want to hang w him alone and not him and his girl.... without giving the impression that i'm dtf. but then i'm not sure what we'd talk abt bc i've stopped trusting him with my personal life ever since his piss poor responses in times when i needed emotional support and i have a hard time giving trust back once it's been broken habfkjab and i Don't Do Small Talk so it's created these situations where when we do end up alone for a moment there's just silence gajgbb and ever since i've started unmasking i don't force myself to fill in with useless chatter.

i'm thinking maybe he's getting the feeling too that he doesn't rly need me as a friend anymore? like we've fulfilled our jobs in each other's life. some ppl they just feel like that. they're made to pass thru. like i guess from him i learned that i do like men after all, but that i would never get intimate w a straight man of all ppl (which, btw, one of the best choices i've ever made for myself. will def never regret that one.) for him i i hope i did...smth. idk. i hope i was a comforting presence when he felt alone. i think i managed.

tbh i'm also worried that our friendship is forever tainted by this will-they-won't-they dance we've had going on, in which Nothing ended up happening. mostly bc of me. i know relationships can survive this but maybe ours can't? cus the last time he mentioned a three-way w his girl, he admitted that i was an option and like... well frankly i'm not into his gf so nvm that lmao but the thought that i'm always in the back of his mind a little? like yes he has a girl who loves him and they share interests and they seem to rly get each other... but at the end of the day he still wants a taste of that ass. sooo toxic of me to take this as a win. but yeah like i'm pretty sure we will never get intimate, at least never romantically, but then it also feels like it'll forever stretch on this ension between us. the what-ifs? completely pointless rly. it wouldn't have lasted and it wouldn't have been worth it. hope he realises that too.

hope it isn't too obvious to his gf either? that we have this tension going on. i mean it might just be me overthinking but i've learned that the gut feelings that last a while like this one are rarely baseless. but also i am not that reliable a narrator. like what if the gf noticed the tension and it's an unspoken rule that we can't hang out together alone? that would suck. i called him "darling" once (not the first time) and suddenly he said i can't call him that anymore. and not in a "i don't like it" way but in a "that isn't allowed" way which???? well if you don't like it, just say so, be direct. i can't fkg tell kjagkabgaj but i mean i won't do it anymore.

chances are he isn't thinking abt it as hard as i am. good for him cus goddamn

only reason why i'm thinking so hard abt it is. well. i kinda hoped we'd be friends for a lil longer? but that's ok. oh and i still rly like his sibling and believe we'll be friends for a while, and closer too maybe, so i feel like it's kinda awkward to be close and all to his sibling but not him? after everything? eh. wtv. it is what it is and all that

[realtalk-princeton]

Hw to practice self care and self love... feeing the relationships and friendships I’ve made aren’t close and sometimes superficial like I give more care than I receive and that’s been weighing me down... it’s like I’ve been forgotten this entire break when I’m not there from ppl I thought were friends... ofc I may be overthinking but still

Response from Athena:

Idk the specifics of your situation so can’t say whether you’re overthinking or not, but I’ve definitely been there and decided to stop putting effort into a lot of non-reciprocal friendships for this same reason. I firmly believe that friendship is a two-way street, so if your friends don’t reach out, are inconsiderate, are always doing things as a group w/o you, etc. then yes it seems like those friendships are one-sided and superficial in which case you have two options: 1) if you really want them in your life, think they’re worth it, and have the ability to change, then talk to them about it (one-on-one) and tell them how they can be a better friend 2) let them fade from your life and stop putting any significant effort into the friendship--stop doing favors for them, stop reaching out all the time, and so on. If you’re just getting anxious bc your friends haven’t contacted you over intercession, then I’d say relax bc that’s the norm and y’all will catch up after break. 

As far as self-care goes, put yourself first. I know that sounds selfish, but I think everyone deserves to be selfish sometimes. Not in a treat-other-people-like-trash kind of way, but just make sure your happiness is your #1 priority. Particularly for people who are selfless all the time, deal with mental health issues, have low self-esteem, or who are pushovers (not saying you are any of these things), it’s really important. Wake up everyday, look yourself in the mirror, and say “I’m freakin awesome and I love me” whether you feel it atm or not. Talk to your closest friends or family and see (or facetime) them if possible. Make an effort to only hang around people you actually enjoy being around. Carve out a little time for yourself every week to goof off and do something you like, whether that’s hopping on the bus to go to Barnes&Noble and read, splurging on some Bent Spoon ice cream, taking a nice long walk, watching your fav show on Netflix, etc.. Self-care is mostly about an attitude change. It’s about telling yourself that you deserve to be happy and letting your actions reflect that. 

[targetaudiencereached]

a rant while waiting on my meds

anger is the emotion of the morning

i feel angry at everyone around me

angry at having to wait

angry at everyone’s loud ass noises

not sure how to unpack this one or what it means

i suspect i’m feeling angry to perhaps mask the sadness, the dread i feel about getting treatment

it’s the days afterward that are the worst, when i can’t poop and i feel like shit and all i can do is lay down and eat gummies and just be

i dread those days bc i quake when confronted w my own weakness

i was reflecting the other night on how i’m doing this for everyone else

i feel like i never decided to get the treatment; it just sort of happened and i went along w it bc it’s what i knew i was supposed to do and i do it to make the ppl in my life feel better; meanwhile it makes me feel like shit

i just can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that i felt fine living w stage 4 cancer and i feel at my lowest whilst getting treated for said cancer

i just don’t think it’s supposed to be this way

i feel a fool sitting here in the middle of one of the biggest medical industrial complexes in the world, getting treatment i don’t deserve more than ppl who don’t have access

i feel like it goes against my values tbh; it’s not on brand for me and i’m having trouble dealing w that and i don’t think my therapist would understand

and at the same time i don’t have the cajones to quit the chemo

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i hope i’ll be able to sleep today

it usually doesn’t happen bc there’s just too much going on

i’ve never been able to sleep on planes

plus i get irrationally angry when ppl make noise when i’m sleepy

so i just kind of drift in my rage 

this would be pretty sweet if i had my own room tho

i could sleep, write, listen to my music w/o crushing my ears

i grow increasingly jealous of ppl who wear airpods

not bc they’re a status symbol

but bc they actually fit in their ears

i have never been able to wear any type of ear bud w any type of confidence

they always fall out

i constantly have to readjust, and then the relaxing experience of listening to music is no longer relaxing. rather, it is stressful, a chore

kind of a dante’s inferno, sisyphus-type of torture really

................................................................................................................................

it’s strange, the victories i have to take during this time

giving public comment

going on a walk

pooping

speaking up

not having to change my pajamas

texting someone

jesus christ i stress about that shit a lot

i overthink

i worry what ppl think of me

and a lot of times my worry is enough to make me never reach out to anyone, even if i’d really like to hang out w them

it’s like i fear rejection so much that i would rather not speak to anyone at all

that’s been kind of a theme in my life since childhood, i think

i did it to protect myself from getting hurt

but this habit is no longer serving me; in fact, it’s hindering me and i need to let it go. i just don’t know how

how do you let go of your own thinking? how do you challenge the thing that has kept you safe?

i guess i have to recognize that i’m missing out on things this way. i’m missing how wonderful ppl can be

i got a glimmer of that when i had to leave work. it was kind of shocking to me to see how ppl cared, to let them show me they cared. 

and it was scary, too, bc the “protector” part of my brain wanted me to believe that it was fake, that they were saying those things bc they had to, that they were secretly happy i was going

i think A LOT about what ppl “secretly” think which is really, really stupid

ppl are going to think what they want to think and i can’t control that. so why do i spend so much energy thinking about it? idk dude. idk.

i’d rather spend my energy on productive things. i’d rather spend my energy being happy.

................................................................................................................................

i’ve done a lot of reflecting in my free time and i’ve realized that i’m unhappy in most of my relationships bc they feel superficial to me

lately i’ve noticed that i feel closer to ppl and feel more fulfilled when we can connect over our ideas

fuck small talk. i want big talk

less commenting on the weather and more commenting on where you’ve noticed eurocentrism in popular media

less “catching up” and more “ruminating by” lol

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“instead of obsessing about the outcome, focus on how you want to feel” –the planner of the woman sitting across from me while i get chemo

ugh how it burns

ugh how it gives me anxiety about whether this is normal

ugh how it gives me anxiety about having to ask for help

here i go again, deciding what ppl think of me when i have no real say in what they think at all, no more than my role in deciding what a sycamore tree thinks about while it peacefully towers over us

[hagiographically]

libby help! i'm depressed and i've started to rely on other people way too much... if I need to work, it needs to be with other people. if i need to exercise, ditto. theres a boy i've fallen in like with and he is so good to me but when he needs to put his work first i feel really hurt? I am acting so clingy and dependent and it's probs the depression but i hate that i'm like this now? he is so driven and i'm this puddle lying around thinking about him when he's not around. i feel pathetic. help

YIKES THIS IS ALSO LITERALLY ME AND I FEEL U SO HARD. if any of my friends/ppl im close to choose stuff over me im always like wow time for me to Die. and especially with boys or romantic interests! i just think abt them literally all the time and its so unhealthy i wish i could detach myself but i c ant because if i can be detached then it means i dont really like the person. what a time to be alive

but i still rly want to help you (even tho idk if i can be that helpful seeing as i Dont Follow My Own Damn Advice). tbh i think what really helped me was keeping super busy. i would absolutely never (!) tell u to repress ur emotions because i am a psych major and a therapy veteran and i know that’s Not Healthy (tho it personally works for me because my emotions are an endless waterfall of bad) BUT i think keeping busy can be healthy because it wont allow you to overthink about the same subject and instead will occupy ur brain with new stimuli- youll be meeting people, having experiences, learning things, etc. that have nothing to do with this boy, and from there youll realize that he doesnt have to be the whole world bc without him you still have a lot that makes up ur world. so that reaaally helps. i took on a lot of classes (rip) and im working a couple jobs and even tho its high key stressful i find myself, with a few exceptions, not as actively depressed? like it makes me motivated to do more, so i like that. i would definitely recommend a job if u want to keep urself busy. i feel like im more productive with that than schoolwork for the most part, because jobs are tangible and mechanical and the pay is an incentive lol (grades are good, but can they get u sephora fine liner?)

try to avoid, like u said, lying around and thinking about him. i know its tempting, but think: what do you gain by doing it? try to stay in public even if it just means doing ur hw in a coffee shop. you will feel so much better. just keep your world moving. journal about him if you have to, to get your thoughts out of your head (this also helps me a lot- im trying to fight my oversharing urges and even though theyre still not that good, journaling has helped bc it feels like im telling someone even tho im not). its ok to need other people but i would try to switch it up if u can? try not to spend all ur time with the same people bc that can easily turn into dependence on those people, and then if they cant be there for you, itll be hurtful. whereas if you have relationships w/ many people, you can have a lot of backups, so to speak. i hope this helps u! hang in there, bud