bear-p-d

[bear-p-d]

I open my mouth and regret it immediately. I said so little but I said it all wrong. There is a spotlight on me so bright it burns my skin. They’re thinking about everything I’ve said done wrong. I know, because it’s all I can think about. My skin itches and my eyes burn and my throat is closing and I start to sink and– “I don’t hate you.” And just like that, the storm clouds are clearing out of my chest and the raging ocean in my head is calm and I can breathe

Paranoia (via himmlischkind)

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my immediate thoughts on being faced with losing someone?

who can i replace them with immediately so i dont have to feel the pain?

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also i forgot how uncomfy dried blood is

i took a vallllllium and im having a drinky and now i need to learn how to buy DRUgs because im such a sheltered cat

i dont hitnk im able to cry more now but i dont wanna start just in case it lasts another 2 hours

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i took a vallllllium and im having a drinky and now i need to learn how to buy DRUgs because im such a sheltered cat

i dont hitnk im able to cry more now but i dont wanna start just in case it lasts another 2 hours

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lol i got dumped again

a+

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my dumb bpd ass:

feels the urge to dump all my friends and start over so i can be a New™ Fresh™ Better™ person with people unaware that i'm literal shit

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me: *gets angry at someone*

me (5 min later): well anyway now that you probably hate me forever, it was nice knowing you, i think you're great, and i hope your life is better without me in it

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i dint even bother deleting this woweee

good because i can post here and maybe it will be ignored instead of some fuckwit giving their opinion on me.

i dont fucking like writing on paper its too much effort.

or punctuation.

every interaction i have with people lately (ever?) seems to end up negative and shit. even attempting to get help with my stupid brainthoughts or just having an emotion near someone is apparently fucking rude of me. how dare i go thinking im a person too????

no one wants to deal with anything. it’s like... i needed to get so much reassurance from people that they wouldnt leave “because im crazy” and they said they wouldnt but as soon as i act crazy its a different story? so the reassurance means jack shit now.

eveyones fine with my bpd ass unless i happen to act like i have bpd ever!! or talk about it!! or god forbid look up groups or stories from other people with bpd because apparetly that means im CLINGING TO THE LABEL.

really? no shit because im not allowed to BE BPD near the normal people so i thought id seek out some other crazies but thats not allowed either.

and come to mention it the other crazies never seem to want me anyway. last night i blew the fuck up because i joined some bpd irc shit and was trying to socialize or whatever and some cunt comes in using shitty words that are kind upsetting to my yes BPD ASS and so i try to politely ask them not to maybe possibly do that and they start screamign about how im some over offended SJW loser... IN A BPD HELP CHAT

wow just wow

im sorry for BPDing in the designated area!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

idek if being “oversentitive” is a bpd thing or a THING at all because to me it just seems like people want to act like cunts and if you get hurt well thats your fault for being there

i am fed up with people

again

tru story

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also when skype flashes and i think its them

someone skype called me today and i got so messed up hearing that sound

i wish this would stop

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i feel shaky and rubbish

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my therapist handed me a worksheet typed entirely in comic sans

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gp was a success!

got prescribed diazepam only to take when really need it

feels less scary now, i has weapon against the anxiety shitstorm

in other news im hungry

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feel better than this morning

had social worker appointment, starting to actually like her

told her about therapist leaving, she immediately promised she wasnt going to leave too - i said don't do that, you will leave, somethign will happen

going to gp in a bit, hopefully they give me something to calm down because i'm terrified of tonight, a certain time everything seems to go pear shaped and its unbearable

havent eaten today either so might do that if i stop feeling sick

[bear-p-d]

i feel really sick

like

constant anxiety feeling

i cant make it stop

also my therapist told me today she's leaving

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i got therapy today

there's always the small hope that i get run over on the way there i spose

you've got to have hope