#idk i just feel bad for younger me
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snapchat memories are being a bit mean today💀
#i never felt like i was friends with this guy but we were in the same friend group at the time#we still have a friend in common actually but he has changed a lot in the last 6 years which was when this was#it’s the body shape comment that gets me though#i was 13 years old i hadn’t even got my period yet#and this boy is gay and has been out as long as i’ve known him💀#also the ‘don’t wanna sound rude’ lmao you clearly do😭#this hasn’t bothered me for a long time though i’ve always remembered it but#idk i just feel bad for younger me#especially the first few which are what i also got from a few people throughout primary#because i’m autistic and the younger i was the less i spoke#i got more confident through the years but at the start of primary school i may have been selectively mute and by the end#or start of secondary#i wasn’t selectively mute but i didn’t speak much at all still#one of the other friends in this friend group#who i’m still close friends with#is also autistic and got similar comments from this guy#weird quiet innocent#at least this guy was clear with what he said though dhsjdhfj#twitch some other people there’s been things that i’ve thought about later and realised oh#i was being bullied#at least i knew where i stood with this one#holly rambles
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okay i need feedback from the autism mentall illness website um. this is going to read like an AITA post. brother vs half-sister (who are currently my dependents do to their own individual disabilities + ptsd/depression) spat i will skim the details on but i'm worried my sister will discount my take since i'm not autistic myself so. am i crazy to call it ableist to look at an autistic person (23) who is clearly going through it dealing w long term depression, a world that doesn't give a shit abt him, unemployment, very self-isolated and burnt out barely leaving his room because the world is an ableist dumpster fire with zero opportunities for him, and then bring up childhood abuse he's suffered and his diagnosis as reasonable factors on top of this to worry he'll [checks notes] abuse my cat just to hurt me or even worse have a breakdown and kill me and his other sibling in a violent episode, a train of thought i probably wouldn't even be having were he not [checks notes] mad at me for the first time in my life?
like i don't have any other read on this kind of fear-based characterization other than ableism. like those are very real things in his life but she never points out any current violent behavior, of which there are none, only the one (1) instance of him lashing out when he was like 14 and Officially Diagnosed Low Empathy she thinks is a concern and Hateful Looks toward her since he stopped getting along with her, that's it. i tried explaining to her why i, someone who's lived w him his entire life, can vouch for how unlikely he is to do anything like that, especially when it's again not based on anything he's actually currently doing except for isolating in a way that is much more indicative of him potentially being a danger to himself than anyone else, and being cold towards her specifically, and i thought she had let it go, but when i brought it up off-hand in a conversation tangentially related, she continued to defend and justify her Concern about the potential directions his behavior could lead to because [checks notes] other people in similar situations have lashed out and killed their entire families according to. true crime books or videos she's watched on youtube as far as i'm aware. ignoring the fact that her and i have had the same or Worse childhood abuse and have acted similarly isolated in the past, or for her literally just as currently as him, and she's not expressed any worry past or present about either of us doing anything like that, in my opinion obviously because i haven't cut her off due to our differences like he decided to. like am i big sibling biased because this is pissing me off so bad.
#j.txt#autism#ableism#very sorry to hang all my dirty laundry like this but she is absolutely the type of person to not take accusations of ableism seriously#due to being disabled/traumatized herself and i. feel like she thinks just because she's fixated on and consumed so much about like#mental disorders and illness and whatever she thinks she's an expert on it#enough to like. non-gendered equivalent mansplain peoples' own traumas and disorders to them lol which she has done to me as well#my brother actually last i checked felt like his diagnosis wasn't even accurate#but to me knowing our mom was v ableist antivax about her understanding of autism and a very neurotypical definition of it#it makes sense if the criterias or definitions don't feel accurate to him#idk. IDK#um. if this gets no engagement i'll delete it rather quick probably i just#don't wanna talk out of my ass when i'm not even autistic yk#i'm very aware i can be biased about him vs her because i actually grew up w him and he's younger than us but like#i havent heard him use her own diagnosis and childhood trauma and ugly moments in this way to justify his bad faith characterizations of he#so it's very much. just something she's doing. if my brother started doin it too i'd have the same conversation but he hasn't which i think#is u.m Telling <3#like She's the one actually complaining about how he assumes the worst of her in everything she does now and it makes her feel awful#meanwhile she. probably doesn't say any of this to Him but boy has she talked about it with me!#if it's not obvious we are all very mentally ill trapped in a house 2gether trying to save up to move so we can get away from each other lo
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having a hashtag bad one 👍
#my brother was chasing me with a shoe while i was screaming at him to stop while our mom just fucking stood there while i burst into tears#and then they both just go on their merry ways back to what they were doing acting like im not dry heaving so hard i think im gonna puke#like how can she just stand there and see me so upset and not say a single thing its just so typical he can do anything he wants no matter#how much it upsets me and he just gets away with it and i feel lile a dick bc hes younger and im an adult but this has been happening for#years and shes never done anything im so traumatized by him but i just have to keep acting like nothings wrong#i just wish my feelings could be even acknowledged by our mom like she enables it bc she does fucking nothing#once when i was a teen my therapist reported my brother to cps for hitting me and all my mom has to say was that having that on his record#could hurt him in the future and she was mad at me bc it made her look neglectful like babes its bc you are!!!#i need to get out of this fucking house so bad idk if i can stand another year here#h
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🫖🐭☁️🍚
#so i did meet my old friend from years ago yesterday. i was sooooo nervous omgggg. and i was waiting outside the café we agreed on#and then saw them walk in and i was like omgggg. the anxiety... but then i gathered courage and walked towards it and thry saw me thru the#window and came out and immediately hugged me. then they were like 'omg i've been so nervous. even more than before like a date!!'#so that made me relax a bit. i feel like i dont really fully estimate what i mean to them. maybe they care about me as well haha !!#then we just got our stuff and i chose a smoothie and was ready to pay but they just got it with their stuff (they work at this chain so#they got a discount). i feel so so bad & anxious when someone else pays for me. like i feel like a burden#but i asked twice if i should send them money for it and they were like no that's fine. so i had to tell myself to just shut up abt it 🥲#bc if u keep asking u make it into a thing and make them uncomfortable etc. so i really appreciated that and it was nice even if i felt bad#but yeah then we just sat down and talked. and it was so much easier to talk to them than i had been worried abt#like it flew nicely and yeah.. i feel like i forgot a lot abt them. like they're good at conversating. so they kept it going & even if i was#awkward it was fine for them. i did however get swept up in my own anxiety so as they asked me questions i answered#but then was too whirlwindy so i didnt really ask as much back and there were things i wanted to ask but didnt :')))#then they had cards and a card game with them. so we played for a bit too. and it was a lot of fun!!! (i was anxious and kinda slow lmao#bc when i dont know smth or the rules etc already my brain stops working so yeah.. even if it was simple games i was like um um what do i do#felt stupid but yeah again they didnt do anyhing to contribute to me feeling stupid but i still felt slow >.<#but i still thought that was so much fun. i wanna do more of that T-T like yeah...that was nice#then we took a lil longer walk to a bus stop before hastily said goodbye bc the busses came T-T#it was really really really nice tho. i have missed them a lot#and i didnt .. think we would ever see eachother again. i really didnt think this could happen#im so glad i somehow got brave enough to message them and im so so glad they wanted to see me too#i cant help but wish i could go back to when we were younger#and we spent every day in school together and messaged during the days and evenings and spent sm time together#when we went into the city like several times a week and took long walks. ahh... well. im glad we got to have those moments#& idk what will happen now. i really really want to see them again. even if we'll never be that close friends again i'd *wish* that we could#still be in touch. but im so bad at replying which doesnt go over great with them.. i'll try my best to reply quicker to them#*if* they message me. sadly i cant erase my avpd but i'll try my best to reply faster if and when they message)#they also complimented my sweater i was wearing (which is my fav sweater) !!!! and yeah.. they looked so cool. which they always have#and i kept thinking abt how nice their eye makeup was (i was too shy to compliment it tho bc im really bad at like 'nice' affectionate and#anything feeling related. like im so bad... so i couldnt say anything </3)#ugh it was just so nice to sit and talk with them. im so glad i went despite my fears. bc this was so good and nice :')))
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People actually having intellectual thoughts and opinions on the album and stuff going on with it and around it never fails to make me feel stupid for just really loving it because it sounds good to me
#in all fairness I am a younger swiftie#so obviously I’m not gonna be catching every detail#I just feel stupid sometimes#annie gushes lovingly#taylor swift#I’m so uncritical of some stuff it makes me look dumb#ttpd#obviously it’s not bad to have intellectual convos that’s great but idk#the tortured poets department
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mouthwashing is one of those important pieces of media to me because it opens my eyes to different topics and perspectives
#this is me saying this opened my eyes to how abusers think and that seeing it laod out so clearly helps me understand how to spot it in#people in my life (such as my dad) and how to avoid falling into situations like that if its possible#idk if that makes sense#but its so importatn to me when we see this representation in media esp when its popularized and younger people see it and can grasp the#concepts early on and understand abuse and how its not always something obvious and can easily be misunderstood as something hidden#< and i mean that in rhe sense of like many didnt know jimmy was a monster til nearing the end of the game and thought he was just trying to#do his best uo until its physically harmful. which is really common with abuse actually and many dont notice it both on an outsider and#victim level. you often dont realize youre being hurt or abused emotionally or mentally until its physical#and by that point you can often feel helpless and like you cant do much for yourself or who to talk to about it. even trying to convince#yourself its not that bad and turning down help because you dont know what to do without that abuse in ur life#maybe im just projecting though idk just something to chew on#mouthwashing#this was honestly going to be about how this game helped me realize jimmy and my dad have the exact same mindset and personality but this is#probably better than a vent post like that lol
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he looks like a predator lowkey
DAMN i mean 😭 damn,
tbh, not to get preachy or smthin, this is just my personal onion, im not the biggest fan of 'i always knew smthing was wrong with x' or 'he always looked like a creeper to me' / 'gave off those vibes' bcs i kinda feel like it diminishes survivors' .. surviving. And gives off this sense of 'as long as you look out for These Static Qualities that All Fucked Up People have, you will be SAFE' thumbs up quota kinda thing,,, which is very dangerous and way too broad for an unfortunately worldly and everslipping issue in society. SORRY ANON, i just wanted to get this off my chest and thot this was a good opportunity, it's just my personal probably underrated thots
#the most fucked up things abt truly fucked up ppl is sometimes not even being able to tell theyre fucked up#until irreversible shit happens#like before the giddey event my only opinion on him was he gave off american psycho vibes and in appearance#when the stuff came out abt him tho i was like damn that crazy#i dont wanna turn a coincidence into a sole cause tho bcs thats slippery#esp with a poc as the person of possible predatoration (this shit is NOT a word LMFAO WATEVER)#and this is NOT me saying only white ppl can be predators or smthing stupid like that#like the ones with the dahmer cut and the glasses and jakcet or whatever#bcs again that just lowers ppls guards and raises them at maybe inopportune times sometimes#but with esp poc appearance criticisms are very much eggshell walking bcs it's easier for Very damaging stereotypes#and just bad thot processes in general to follow them#in general#like i know when i was younger i was always avoidant and quiet to white girls who tried to approach me bcs i didnt want ppl making Bad joke#abt us just bcs *i* know bad (like BAD bad. not just white ppl love mayo jokes or wtver lol) ideas create those opportunities#and also i read a lot (i liked fictional better but read some history too) and also looking like. yea. u know#i knew#just in general... unfair assumptions create unfair actions/opportunities#try to be avoident of that in general.. even if u feel 'justified' sometimes thats just personal!#personal feelings should be specified as personal juust in case u know. it takes 2 seconds to safeguard#bcs not a lot of survivors get justification or Feel justified in surviving and#idk man#anyways#gets off my soapbox and shrinks ten feet
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it is literally not about legality, if you’re in your late 30s literally what are you hitting up 21 y/os for. Don’t you have investments to make.
#Astonishing number of people will jump on the ‘but it’s technically legal!’ defence#But will not answer my question of whyyyyyy. If your date sounds like PTA night and you need to parent your girlfriend#you have an age gap! And! You are the lamest loser on earth; that is fact; hope this helps!!#(Okay. Lowkey? I shouldn’t be thinking about this STILL. Given it’s been like a MONTH since#But I feel a lil let down and betrayed and I think I’m still kinda processing that… but I#I confided in my bestestest friend that an older man was creeping on me. And I expected her to have my back 100%#And idk— I think she’s just had worse experiences with men and has a higher tolerance to bad behaviour than I an asexual person do#But her response was along the lines of ‘you’re an adult; there’s no problem with it really;#can’t blame him for shooting his shot; it’s not really a weird age gap’#And worst of all— ‘maybe he just has an age kink; maybe he gets off on you being younger’#I have to say. I don’t care. The point is that I discouraged it several times and was getting increasingly uncomfortable with it#I feel like in that situation the thing to do is side with me especially when I’m telling you all this.#And like. Sigh i don’t know. I still love her with all my heart but it’s feeling a lil awkward rn#I’m still thinking about that and obviously I don’t want it to ruin the best friendship I’ve ever had#But it’s feeling a little forced right now. I expected her to have my back and for some reason her brushing this aside did make me#Feel completely invalidated and like I should just stop feeling weirded out and man up and discourage this man in words—#When the thing is there was NEVER any hint of interest. I don’t feel like I should have to dignify his behaviour in terms of interest or#Attraction. Because! I just don’t think you should be that forward with strangers repeatedly!! and if I think that’s weird then I’m sorry i#It won’t work with me! I don’t like it! I think that’s grounds enough to stop oh my god.#I’ll be seeing my bestie in a couple of weeks. Flying all the way out to England for her. I don’t want this to be awkward…#but something in me is just a lil heartbroken. Like I feel the girlcode was broken. We’ve always told each other#Not to let men affect our self worth or alter our boundaries. I feel like that was violated.#(ik she said that bc her bf at the time was 30 but like. Listen to my individual situation no? This one wasn’t about you I came for advice)#Rant
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Gamers this Yakuza crush is crushing! You know it's bad when I'm already trying to make an s/i
#pan rambles#it's gonna take forever for me to play his game unfortunately ;v;#I wanna see him so bad...He seems so sweet and silly and 👉👈#Since I'm nowhere near close to his game- My s/i is still a big WIP#I don't want them to be involved with any Yakuza stuff though#Also I think it'd be fun if maybe a younger s/i appeared in one of Kiryu's games-#Idk about that though. we'll see#I just think it'd be fun if minor character that showed up in a few games shows up again and ends up becoming [REDACTED's] Love interest#But yeah-agksbfjdk Much to think about but alas it'll take forever before I actually get to that point of playing his game(s)😔#I'd love to play more but some IRL stuff has been taking up my mind and it makes it impossible for me to enjoy anything lately#I just love making mistakes and feeling like I'm the biggest disgrace to my family ever <3 /s#That aside though- don't wanna focus on the bad stuff#I'm gonna focus on my f/os now! Yayyy Yippee!
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A list of ways they could have ended the Hamster and Gretel season finale that would have been better than whatever the hell that was:
Gretel reveals herself to Hiromi to help explain to her why Kevin constantly has to dip (Hiromi has proven herself trustworthy several times at this point there is literally no risk to telling her)
Kevin and Gretel have an actual heart to heart where they talk out why they're frustrated with each other
Gretel reads Kevin the speech she literally wrote for him
Some kind of flash back to the twins where we see Lauren starting to doubt the whole "supervillain" thing
I get it's a "kids show" but kids shows still deserve actually good writing and plot and this just. Wasn't it. The open ending was TOO open ended. Leaving the failed date for next season? Sure. Leaving the potential redemption arc for the villain next season? Yeah okay.
Wiping away the brother and sister tension with a throwaway scene and no follow up? Come on. And ending with the stupid aliens teasing next season, then crushing Kevin further with how he wasn't supposed to get powers, and finishing out the whole season with what literally is just a, "That's rough buddy?"
Yeesh.
#kevin has a catu level meltdown coming and i for one hope he actually gets it#hng#hamster and gretel#i also struggle bc like.....gretel is roughly the age of phineas and ferb. if not a little bit younger#but youre telling me that she WOULDN'T feel bad if kevin actually told her how he was feeling?#if you're gonna make another sibling show that specifically revolves around siblings can you like.#idk make me care about them AS siblings?#tell me how with no episodic continuity phineas and ferb and candace still have a more well rounded sibling relationship#in just the first season of the show#and theres actually a STORY LINE to HnG and theyre still having the same sibling problems they did at the very beginning of the show#Kevin still feels left out and useless and Gretel still doesnt get that despite it being brought up 100 times#idk do better that was a shitty season finale it didnt even feel like a finale#this is far too many tags for me to be rambling about a childrens show#also the opening scene? was redundant. its already been shown in the show a thousand times that Kevin would do anything for Gretel
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My afraid-of-romance ass has just been asked by another regular customer for my number and the stupid thing is that again I do think this guy is kinda cute and I really probably should say yes
#the fear tho lmao#what am I afraid of? I have no fucking clue#this is why I’m still questioning my sexuality lol like what am I? do I even actually like guys? do I like anyone?#in an existential spiral at the moment#but honestly why do they always ask for my number#like dude just give me yours and let me make the decision when you’re not right here in front of me#but I felt bad telling him no today just because the last time a customer asked and I said yes I almost immediately regretted it#and then that didn’t work out because I thought he was too young#young* and now he still sometimes comes by and I just feel awkward about it#maybe I should turn to Facebook and see if I can find him because I have set an age limit for myself and I really don’t want to entertain#anyone younger than that#but I’m……… I know I’m like never active in here anymore#but I just needed to talk about this somewhere#because any of my coworkers would probably tell me I’m being ridiculous or they’d just seriously keep questioning why I keep saying no to#customers that hit on me and my best friend would probably also not get it#idk y’all I just needed to rant about it/talk about it#anyway I’m definitely gonna stress over this until tomorrow#and I’m gonna feel really bad if he stops coming by
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Hi Sada! I saw your nasty anon and I thought i’d balance the hate with some love: you’re my favorite blog on Tumblr! I always look to see if you posted and I love reading your thoughts on things! Lots of love xx
🫶🏻 thank you so much!!!! I’m glad to know I entertain the majority of you!! I’m just here for a laugh and to enjoy myself and if other people like it all the better 🥰
#I’m lucky in the fact I have an absolutely incredible support system#so nasty anons like that never bother me#I’m more offended at how ableist they can be and the fear they spew that kind of shit out to people irl#like I’ve been bullied for reasons I can’t fathom since I was a small child#(the classic undiagnosed autism afab experience of people FEELING you were different and hating you)#so for me anon hate is just…. par the course for real life#(excited for more anons to dogpile on me but whatever)#my intention with being casually open about my mental health is that someone who might need to hear it#hears how my life is#and hears what my experiences are and feels validated#and not alone#might seem silly but I used to be a younger person in a fandom#and seeing people in their 30s still in fandom#talking about their life#made me realize that it’s not all bad and that things can be okay#IDK THESE TAGS ARE RAMBLY NOW BUT WHATEVER#I’m just trying to have fun and I hope anyone who needs to know it’s okay to live differently can see I’m having a blast
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I wish the way Tommy became a bad person didn't make me hate his character so much, because as much as there are some annoying things about C!Tommy, he was still an interesting character
#discourse#tommyinnit#I cant even really enjoy fanart of him anymore#i keep remembering that his creator is a dick and I feel all the enjoyment leave me#wait i feel like this needs a#vent#this kinda sucks because I always kept the idea that hating your younger self for loving something is stupid#but then I look at the sweater I have and just feel bad#I guess he has time to change but idk#i dont think I'll ever be able to enjoy his content again
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Probably gonna be a hot take, but- art competitions are anti-art.
Competition kills art. Inherently. The second you start comparing people’s works and labeling some as “winners” and “losers”, you trivialize it.
So many young or beginner artists completely give up or don’t even try because they don’t believe they’ll ever be “good enough”, and competitive attitudes reinforce ideas of what is “good enough”.
It’s just overall- really yikes, imo.
#text post#soda rambles#it’s just really sad to see what this stuff does to younger artists#I almost quit art due to competition and elitism in the art community#So I wind up having more strong stances on this kind of thing..#Even if it’s not a competition about the quality of the art itself#Competition feels dangerous#at least to me. It encourages division and breeds elitism. It’s something that makes me deeply uncomfortable.#when you place people as “winners” and “losers” you place arbitrary value on people and that’s bad ESPECIALLY with something like art.#Pitting people against each other just reads to me as a recipe for toxicity.#Idk maybe I’m just a pissbaby because I’ve been bullied so much throughout my life I just get scared#This isn’t supposed to be a grandstand or anything this is just how I feel about it#I know this is probably just a me thing
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Idk if it's because her Mars is on my Mercury but sometimes I'd hear a Olivia Rodrigo song and I realize she explores topics that I often think about that others rarely (if ever) talk about.
Like a few years ago I started obsessing over the fact that every relationship is just rehashing the pevious one and how fucked up it is and how mentally uncomfortable that makes me feel and then I heard she has a song about it (Deja Vu). Or I like how she explores themes of envy and jealousy towards other women, which, especially in this day and age, is a big no no cause you may come off as a "not a girl's girl", but like???? These feelings are normal???? And I think about it a lot. Or not avoiding admitting that one does have obsessions over your partner's exes and stuff. Like jealousy in general is one thing, that is explored in music a lot, but not in the context of ex partners I feel.
#idk just some thoughts#i have moon square saturn#she has moon square venus#that's basically having bad experiences with other girls and NOT feeling like a girly girl and stuff#and having issues with comparisment#so i relate to it a lot even tho she's SO much younger than me#random#astrology
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maybe it's time for me to move on.............
#its been two months since the end of an eight month relationship and i havent so much as looked at a hot person in that time#i mean i've got a queer event in a couple weeks and i think thats The Place to meet someone because. realistically my gender is just-#-too complicated to date a straight girl#or a gay guy#so.#i've also learned my lesson about dating people i'm close friends with because that did not work out for me at all#really i just need like. a younger reincarnation of rafael silva to appear because he is the only person who will ever live up to my-#-obviously very high standards (i would date anyone who is morally decent and dresses nice if i thought they were interested)#while we're on this matter actually people who put no effort into how they dress is such a fucking ick#i went out to this thing a few weeks ago and there was a guy my age there and he asked me to dance (it was an Old Persons party hes a-#-family friends its a long story) but he was literally in a hoodie and i was wearing like a 400$ formal outfit#like man absolutely the fuck not this is a Nice Event why are you wearing *denim* what are you DOING#is it a bad idea to go to an event with the mindset of finding someone to be with by the way? because that is kind of how i'm thinking-#-about it but at the same time if i *dont* find anyone there that i connect with then that's fine. i mean all in good time cause at some-#-point i'm going to meet someone. i have enough faith in both my religion and my own person that i will meet someone who i like and who-#-likes me it just depends when that happens. idk i just feel like all my friends in relationships atm are dating to break up but i want to-#-find the person i'm going to marry someday. because i dont want to miss a single second with someone who will be the love of my life#ughhhhh idk#wait i just realised how long these tags are. shit i'm so single lmao#txt !!
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