#idk i had a good day yesterday it just sucks that this is the consequences | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

xllxxrbxg · 3 years ago

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so ayon nga hehe

so ayon nga mga marecakes hehe narrate ko na lang nangyari today.

so i was like chilling today right im all set for school because i did my homeworks naman days before it was needed so i was like, "aight lets get this shit today". tapos karlo message me he wanted cuddles eh i was like hMMM... we just made out the other day eh and its like tuesday palang today !! i told him nalang na make it happen, not rlly thinking he would make it happen. but this mf took it as a challenge and actually made it happen.

before all that tho i was badtrip because ha made a very uncalled for rape joke and it fucked me up in the head, plus the fact na im being taken to someplace unfamiliar. i was very tensed the whole ride there. anw he didnt get the hint na it was THAT awful to me, but its aight we resolvedt it already. i'll keep a tab on this tho. for me that was a red flag.

anyways we made out in this tambayan place their family owns. basically it has a large parking lot and across that space was this little studio type housie house. the place had a large ass gate, wasnt really paying attention to what he was saying about the place because i was still tensed with the bad joke he made. anyways we went in and it was a very nice place. outside the house, it wasnt that obvious, but when you go in, it legit looked like one of those sala sets in malls with the note "thank you for not sitting" typa shit. so yeah it was nice it had same vibes with vista mall maybe because of the ceiling yellow scattered lights and of the fresh ass furniture and the whole place itself. it was a pretty decent size, not too big not too small for at least two people to share in the long run. it also had this aircon i always wanted the expensive ones u see in 5 stars. anyways it was quickly cold. there was also the bathroom that had a shower, then theres this chair where you pull a button and a foot rest will pop up lmfao. there were also two other sofa charis by the window. the window was the type then you push back up, not much windows tbh. but thats aight and reasonable since it has an aircon. i was tensed at first when the room was opened. it was obviously recently used idk maybe by his relative. WAS TENSED BRO same feeling when you enter an empty room newly unlocked by your teacher. THAT. that typa anxiety. anyways eventually joined him to sit by the small bed. was pretty much good for one big ass person to comfortably lie on, but fitted both of us nicely. didn't really bottom at that sesh so i don't really remember if the bed was uratex when weight is applied on me but it probably is AHSHDHASHDHSAHDSAHAH ok mej funny yun goiz liek- HAHA ok serious na nga hmpz. we cuddled first before doing nasty stuff. it was nice. i'd exchange all those laplapan just to wholesomely cuddle in peace and probably have a great nap together. i like the feeling the warm feeling. it was nice. yes. anyways,, yeah it was nice. cant stop talking about how nice it was because it was nice. heck... it was so nice. it was so heart heart. idc about my coochie getting rubbed, CUDDLE ME BITCH. anyways we started kissing and the rest is historyYYYYYY. jk. basically the make out routine starts with cuddling then kissing then he touches me until it reacher the forbidden softie softie, main bec he likes hearing my sexy ass moan. even before in tinder when i vm my boytoys for the first time the first thing they say my voice is smexy. cant blame them i agree. even when im alone and i randomly fake moan gat dam bro i get turned on too LMFAO. so yeah i moaned bec it was music to his ears and turned him on big time. was ngl kinda steamy when we breathe in each others mouth thats one of my favorite parts of it and also when i suck on his tongue. or also when i moan into his mouth. yep. also when he cusses it means im doing a great job. hehe. nice stuff ryt there. we pause sometimes to rest, then go aead again. i got many rounds that day. we did same stuff on the bed several times. then he pulled me so i'd be on top. im such a great top bro he aint know hoe to topppp. then was cuddling on top of him and then accidentally (wink wink) grinded on his rock solid stuff. he was turned on sabi nya shit anuyon sabi ka ah ayaw mo ok BUT THEN he was like gusto ko. tnagina pabebe yarn. anw i started kissing then grinding and he was cussing bec im so good at it. later my pants were off and later his shorts too. so we were underwear-away from grinding on directly. was nice got me tiredt. THEN HAHAH i saw this 5 peso coin by the bed and i was like eto yung token sa rides AHSDHASHDASHDHA WOF YAN TEH? tangina tawang tawa sya gago ang funny ko tlg san ka makakakuha ng kallapan na funny. tas nilagay ko sa gilid nya singko started grinding again. bet u he was grinding too. AND IT WAS SO HARD IT LOWKEY HURT TO GRIND ON. GEEZAS. so basically the whole bed was shaking. and i did my deed as a good girl to keep the music on (aka moaning) because there was no music. felt like

asmr. boring af. unlike when we make out sa car, theres always music. i like making out on the white chev instead of the fortuner BECAUSE THE FORTUNERS WINDOWS AIN TINTED what in the world was i thinking making out inside an untinted car INSIDE A PARK WHERE THERE ARE LOTSA PPL PASSING BY. anyways back to the bed, we paused, cuddled. then i was badtrip again for some reason so i got up to get dressed but we eventually made out again on the sofa hehe. legs spread again bec he liked touching there so i let him. then eventually was begging me to allow him to eat me out but i was like BROOOO NOOOO you gon taste it and it be not groomed yet in anyway but he was alr there begging looool he looked so adorbs but NOOO. i asked wala ka man benefit jan, sabi nya ikaw meron. tas sabi ko why do u wanna do it, he said he wasnted to satify me liek HNGGGGGG ok i would let you but it really not be groomed oakay NEXT TIME for sure. AND HECK the lights were on. it was daylight and the lights were on like hasdhahsdhashdas it feels liek im being eaten out at the home decor station at vista mall U GUYZ. anyways ayon. after non i think he tried carrying me for some reason. and i knew he found me heavy lols. but yeah i was a cute little moment he carried me around the room pretending its a mall and he's touring me and shit, "to your left, is the sala set, to your right is the flat screen tv..." things like that HAHAHA funny cute moment. anw later on we found ourselves sitting on the little bed again i was on top of him. he didnt want to lay down bec he alrady made the bed lol so we started grinding again sitting, me on top doing my best !! giving my all !! bec he also had a finger down there as i grinded on his stuff so it basically felt like a direct grind lols. anyways was nice. then later on we made out standing up. was kinda hard because he was 7 inches taller. OH AKALA NYO TITE SIZE YUNG 7 INCHES NOH. hinde. so ayon we were making out and he was shy to ask for a deep throat HAHSDHAHDHAS HECK NAW BITCH U TOLD ME A RAPE JOKE. so this is the part where i get revenge. he was standing there, and i was teasing him. was acting clueless, but he hinted he wanted his belt off so i took it off. was honestly confused with the belt. lol. anw i got to remove it and said, so ano next? playfully hhehhehehe. anyways ayon nga eventually me teased him everrr soooo slowly his dick went from solid-jelly-solid-jelly. LMFAO omfg will i cause him illness? omg. anwwww ayon. later on i removed his shorts as he asked. then i stepped aaway from him across the room because he was doing the shy type hands while hsis shorts was by his foot. and i LOL'd at him for a good few minutes just clapping my hands out of entertainment HAHSDHAHSDAS. then he asked me to put my hands inside, did it slowly and i told him to smile ka nga muna. AND HA THE MF WAS SHAKING. LOL. my fucking powerrrrrrr. anyways later on i was teasing out the underwear, then later i got my hands in again and then touchedt the dick *YAY* finally we got there!! anw it was only for a few secs and i told him its over HAHAHA. then i put his shorts back up again, but subtly teasing that i would suck. bec the shorts were by his ankles so i had to kneel. did i suck? no. did i make sure he thought i was? YES BITCH. and then he lay down fretting because i didnt suck his dick and then while was laying down i opened his shorts again to pretend that his dick was a computer mouse and told him "lets play solitaire, o kaya counterstrike or maybe purble place. gawa ng cake hehe" lmfao mfer be cry laughing because he dont know what to do bec he was teased. so ayon we ended that way and i thought he was bad trip bec of what i did. but he assured me na di naman like dapat lang duh. anyways ayon hehe.

uwi na kami after nakauwi ako 1. andon kami 10. hehe. hinatid nya man me pauwi. tho yung byahe pauwi di pa kami nakakalayo sa place he pulled over so i was confused bec there were no big vehicles incoming but to my surpris he started kissimg me again lol bro deins ka ba nasasawa. anw yon. was nice naman. making out with a guy from a rich fam is nice bec yall dont need to pay to rent in motels lol but still has pressure, bec if we end on a bad note, i swear most of the blgs here are engineered by his relatives. thats how prominent they are. the place we went to is owned by his uncle, who works at legazpi rn thats why the place was vacant. theyre making a mall i think idk. so thats why his uncle is making another like that na place dun. so he has somewhere to stay. like what in the wealth... its crazy how people have money. and for sure even if the place we stayed in was small, it costs millions fr. anyways ayun yung promised detailed chika ko. hehe ciao. mej pokpok nga me pero look at me suffering the consequences, may sipon na ako aside sa ubo because he had mild sipon. now my sipon is malala compared to his, and he alr is recoveredt tangina unfair. but yesterday he insisted to see me to drop off some meds and he hugeed me and cried. because i asked for a time out the night before. bec i was having a hard time. he allowed it but over thinkedt it so yeah he cried while hugging me tight in the car. and kept on saying sorry mainly bec of the sipon thing. but it was, i felt, directed to the other stuff he had disappointed me with. anyways before that sabi nya ok lang ba sayo mag punta munang emall may bibilhin lang, sabi ko naur im sick. it was bec he wanted to buy me gummy worms lol. cute. u shoulda bought them before going to me, mofo. jk. loveee u penggg.

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totalhellisland · 5 years ago

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I am beyond angry, this god damn NoCo fanfiction has ruined my day and it is only 7:20 AM. Cody is such a fucking bastard man, he says he fucking loves Noah with all his heart, but previous knowledge points to the fact he doesn’t. I read most of the installation before this one (”Valentine Countdown”), and Cody didn’t seem nearly as hateable in that one as he does in this. Cody in this is borderline unlikeable, when he was enjoyable and cute in the previous one.

A Summary so this makes sense and the rant, idk, I’ve gone insane:

Anyways, Cody says he loves Noah but it’s said multiple times that Cody never returned Noah’s calls or emails when they were together between the Celebrity Manhunt special and “Valentine Countdown”. Noah, understandably, upset about this and ends it with Cody (or Cody ends it with him? the fanfiction backtracks sometimes). Then World Tour comes around, Cody is trying to regain Noah’s love/affections and Alejandro is ruining those attempts left and right; because he too loves/has genuine affections for Noah. Alejandro, though he meddes with the NoCo times, shows he’s guilty because of what he’s done (case in point when he inadvertently makes Noah cry because he convinced him Cody was on a date with Sierra during the Paris episode). I’m not saying that Alejandro was right in his slippery eel bullshit, but he certainly is better than Cody is in this toward the end of the book. Alejandro comforts Noah after making him cry and makes the others of his team leave Noah alone after the challenge (mostly to his own benefit, but Noah did not want to talk atm either). Just, it’s obvious that Alejandro actually cares about Noah, he tries to get Noah’s attention and when he finally gets it, yeet here comes Cody waltzing in going, “Oh Noah I love you so *goes to smooch city*”. Cody does make attempts to get back with Noah, but he still doesn’t take into account that he’s the one who should have tried harder the first time around. Noah straight up tells him this, he considers it then, but he still calls his fuckups and the consequences they created a “misunderstanding” (chapter 11 pt 1).

Take some more responsibility for not pulling your fucking weight in the relationship, oval boy. Noah tried to stay with him before WT and Celebrity Manhunt, but Cody refused to respond to his messages or calls. If Cody really cared as much as he says did, he would have at least called back, which he admits he never did. Like bruh, Noah literally loves him to the point he says he can’t love anyone else and that he will always love Cody. Cody single-handedly ruined his own chances with Noah, but, inadvertently, Alejandro’s and Noah’s chance at love. Then, Cody has the audacity to say that it’s a “misunderstanding” that he was going to “put to rest” and that this time he will “make sure Noah listened.” The last time this bitch tried to explain something, he fucked up so bad that Noah thought Cody was talking about their time in Paris and not the “date” Sierra and Cody had.

I cannot with this shit; even if I didn’t ship AleNoah, Alejandro is still the better, more genuine choice for Noah! I understand that Noah has been through a lot in this fanfiction, but I’m sure Alejandro would understand if Noah wanted to wait until after the show to decide and shit. But NO! This fic must fit the NOCO AGENDA, wherein Cody and Noah always end up together even if it’s not good for them. Obviously, the fanfiction was destined to end in NoCo, but why did Cody have to be so unlikeable to me? I liked him in the other fics, he’s a simp, sure, but he’s a genuine simp. In this, it just feels like he’s clinging onto the last thing that “makes” him happy. Cody seems want to be with Noah more for the factor of nostalgia than anything else, he misses the good times they had together and not Noah as a whole. (I am realizing I might have read in a bit too much to this 2015 NoCo fanfiction.)

I should stop before I get too far into this narc rant of mine. Don’t go attack the author. If you do and I find out, you will be blocked. I do not support such actions. I am complaining, yes, but it’s about the context of the story and not the author themselves, please do leave them be.

On a general note, I like NoCo and AleNoah, but this ff Cody rubbed me the wrong way. I genuinely dislike him. He’s an oval-headed bitch who doesn’t deserve my guy Noah’s attention.

why am I like this please help, i just went on a six paragraph rant from 7:20 AM to 8:11 AM

Send help, I have possibly gone insane from Coronatime.

- Noah needs help and should stop reading old fanfiction after staying up since yesterday

Update 8:30 AM: I probably should have finished the fanfiction before going on a narc rage. Anyways, Alejandro was definitely gonna push Noah out of the fucking plane before Noah apologized for stringing him along and playing with his heart unintentionally. Still, bruh, Alejandro what the fuck.

Update 8:41 AM: I straight up forgot about the seduction shit Alejandro pulled near the beginning of the story. Ngl, that shit was fucked up. So, the real mvps here are Izzy, Owen, Tyler, Gwen, Ezekiel, and DJ. They have been helpful and good friends to Cody and Noah.

Update 8:50 AM: ZEKE FUCKING DIED. HE SACRIFICED HIS LIFE TO SAVE NOAH FROM GETTING SUCKED OUT OF THE CARGO HOLD. ALEJANDRO IS BIG SUCC AND CODY KISSED NOAH AFTER THEIR MUTUAL FRIEND POSSIBLY DIED. I FUCKING HATE EVERY MAJOR PLAYER IN THIS FANFICTION. THE ABSOLUTE FUCKERY AND TOMFOOLERY THIS SHOWS, I AM TIRED, FLABBERGASTED, AND, FOR ONCE IN MY TD FAN CAREER, I WISH ZEKE WOULD HAVE STAYED AROUND. (I refuse to read the final chapter after this, I did. I’m done. I can’t.)

#NOAH #noah td #fanfiction #fanfiction writers #angry at fanfiction #help #i am in need of assistance #alejandro td #td alejandro #cody td #td cody #total drama #total drama fanfiction #angry rant

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nordic-breeze · 5 years ago

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I was going through my files and I came over this document I sent to my friend @distant-rain pretty much the same day I realized I had fallen in love with Arthur, after weeks of being in denial or shrugging off my daydreaming of this cowboy as nbd or thought experiments and boy was I confused.

I knew next to nothing about RDR1 when I wrote this December last year and I didn’t know much about RDR2 post chapter 2 either except for Arthur’s fate, which I had just learned of, and oml was I upset and confused. Though also scaringly accurate about certain things.

Now over six months later, I love this cowboy even more. And I kept true to my word. If anyone wanna read the rambings of a fangirl who had just found her new obsession be my guest.

I was blown away by how massive this game is. The level of detail is incredible and I greatly appreciate the effort put into creating this world. Yeah, we’ve all heard about the horse testicles shrinking in cold weather but it’s not like it’s just one bizarre detail being essentially a dick joke in an otherwise average game. No, RDR2 is detailed enough that it actually makes sense to add in peculiarities like that. The amount of wildlife alone, I mean, ever since the PS2 era I’ve been used to seeing animals in games but R* created whole-ass ecosystems in RDR2, several of’em, from snowy mountains to marshlands, with animals that act so much like actual animals. Just listening to the birds singing, it’s like being out in an actual forest!

Characterization is another thing that amazed me, in particular the protagonist. I knew nothing about the first RDR when started playing RDR2, nor did I know anything about RDR in general other than it was western-themed and made by the GTA-guys. I expected somewhat of a similar characterization as GTA where every character is a stereotype or a caricature. I genuinely liked GTAV’s story for what it was and even though every character was more or less an asshole, some of them were also weirdly likeable and even earned my sympathy (and hint of affection) occasionally.

But it never really went deeper than that nor was it particularly long-lasting (still way more than I expected tho). I bonded with one of the characters more than I thought I would but not nearly as much as I would had the characters felt more like actual humans and not like the epitome of stereotypes. But it is what R* wanted and it worked. I expected the RDR2 characters to be the same but to my surprise the characters, especially Arthur, are fleshed out, complex, even relatable (depending on your actions I guess). Unlike GTAV, they act and react like actual human beings. Well, human beings that have lived their entire life (more or less) as outlaws. In a country and time period foreign to me. But still they felt human. Ofc I’ve not gotten to know any of the NPC’s as well as Arthur but from various missions and eavesdropping on their conversation I’ve gotten to know them a bit. Hosea is my favorite. He seems like a good man despite being an outlaw and I love how everyone goes to him for advice and how supportive he is. I also wish more people (esp a certain Dutch man) could listen to him more. I also really like Charles. He definitely got morals and could be a good influence on Arthur and the others. I haven’t seen much of Sadie yet, but think I’ll like her too. Lenny seems nice. That one scene when he and Arthur went out drinking together was absolutely brilliant! And lil Jack’s adorable ofc. Only one I don’t like is Micha or Miach or whathisname. I know no one in the van der Linde gang are saints but that guy is a total psychopath. I kinda wish Arthur had gotten his way there when he said they should just leave him in jail as he was nothing but trouble and it annoys me how Dutch is sticking up for him. Yeah, speaking of, not too fond of Dutch or that German guy either atm.

But all in all very impressed by the large open world, the level of details to well, everything and the characterization. Soundtrack is great, graphics are stunning, animations smooth, the horse-riding simulation is just extraordinary and you never know what’s gonna happen as you ride through the map. The amount and variety of random events and encounters are truly impressive. Often comical, like that wildlife photographer who keeps getting almost eaten up by the wildlife he’s trying to document, sometimes eerie like the serial killer side story, or sad like when Arthur met with his former love. Or a combination of said elements like the pig farmers I ran into. With no pigs. But were still veeery well fed. You know, when people are just a liiitle bit too friendly? That eerie feeling you get when you just know something’s wrong but you can’t quite put your finger on it. Until you can. I thought they were husband and wife I really did. You shoulda seen my face when I realized they were in fact brother and sister. Me and Arthur had the exact same face. They were living as husband and wife tho. Well, up until I killed them.

I also love the contrast between the more ‘modern’ world and the simpler life. I could go into town, buy food at the saloon and rent a room or take a bath at the hotel. Or I could ride a few mins out into the wilderness, hunt and gather my own food, cook it over a bonfire and sleep under the stars. Electricity exists, but people are still completely dependent on oil lamps and open flame. Trains and trams exist, cars have been invented, but people still mainly travel on horseback. This contrast between old and new as an era is ending and the modern era is about to begin has been an amazing experience considering the level of detail the game has. The colonization of the new land, which has been largely unknown to me, the contrast between this and modern-day America we see on TV. So many people did not even speak English, I often find abandoned buildings, or burnt-down buildings, some with bodies inside, leaving me wondering what happened to them, I found a ghost town whose inhabitants had been wiped out by a plague. It was tough for many I reckon.

In fact, I find the exploration of this foreign but also somewhat familiar, beautiful but harsh world and its many random events and encounters waaay more interesting than the actual main story itself, which is why it took me forever to reach chapter 3. In fact, the story is probably my least favorite part about RDR2, as backwards as it may sound. I’ve never been into western stories or aesthetics, and I’m certainly NOT into the whole ‘outlaws till the end’ stuff ugh. I fail to sympathize with the whole ‘boo-hoo the world no want outlaws like us no more it’s unfair’. Ugh, go cry me a fucking river. And then go get a job. A real job. Yeah, I get it that adapting to society is tough, life’s tough deal with it and stop preying on others. Wow, robbing two trains in short time and staying in the same fucking area actually has consequences, I’m so shook!

So yeah, story-wise I don’t quite ‘get it’ and Dutch is really starting to get on my nerves, which is probably why I prefer to just ride off alone and experience the world. I guess RDR2 story will rely heavily on being torn between gang loyalty and your own morality and principles but since I have virtually no concept of group loyalty that is all lost on me. My own morals and principles all the way. I’m like, ‘these people suck, take Hosea, Charles, Sadie, Tilly (maybe John Marston and his family) and leave these bitches behind’.

At the beginning, I did kinda liked Dutch. He seemed genuinely sorry for Sadie, took her in and saved her life, even if it meant another mouth to feed in dire times. And he showed Kiran mercy despite hating the O’Driscol’s. But as I’ve progressed thought the game, his grand speeches about sticking together, sticking with him, slowly but surely has turned from pep-talk to keep people’s spirit up to sounding like a cult leader desperate to keep his following no matter the cost. Yesterday when I was playing, I overheard him quote some quasi-philosophy book to Lenny and used the words to twist them into his own convictions to support his decisions. And when Lenny objected, Dutch literally said ‘you’re breaking my heart, kid’. Wow Dutch, talk about manipulating your protégé.

It was the mission when those lawmen approached Arthur as he was fishing with Jack that really made me consciously see Dutch in a new light. Up until then, RDR2 had mostly been fun and games but that conversation left me feeling a bit uneasy. But I just figured it was the main story finally picking up pace and also, I figured I was near the end of the chapter. I carried on, suddenly eager to see what would happen and was thoroughly surprised by how the chapter ended. In a bad way.

While both chapter 2 and chapter 3 begins with a ‘new start’ vibe, chapter 3 felt very different from chapter 2. Mostly it was that feeling that Dutch’s obsession with ‘sticking to this life’ is going to get people killed. Idk, it’s this eerie feeling something’s wrong but can’t quite put my finger on it-feel again. But thanks to internet being internet I already knew some spoilers so I couldn’t help but to look up something and… well, let me put it this way. I’m never going to finish this game. Ever. It breaks my heart because in so many ways it’s truly an amazing game and a fantastic experience. But I’m just not that into the story, I don’t like where it’s heading and I don’t want to see what’s coming to character(s) I’ve come to care deeply about.

I still want to explore the world more, see what unfolds, do more challenges, add stuff to my compendium, maybe get some trophies… but I doubt I’ll ever progress much story-wise. Quite the contrary, I might reload an earlier save and just stay in chapter 2 forever.

(wrtten a couple of days later)

Seems my instincts was right on the money, esp concerning Dutch. Sad thing, I do believe he is sincere. In the first few chapters at least. He is manipulative but I also believe he’s convinced himself that he’s doing the right thing. And then his obsession will eventually get the better of him and when people and the lifestyle is slipping away from him, he doesn’t handle it well at all. Ugh, it’s so frustrating, I just wanna gather all my favs and yell: “leave nooow, before it’s too late!

It’s not for the sake of spacing it out or making it last. I just don’t want to progress in the story at all. I hated losing Horseshoe Overlook. HATED IT HATED IT HATED IT!!!! Yes the new place is beautiful, yes I know it’s the life of the outlaws and RDR2 does show that life for better and for worse whereas most stories tend to romanticize the whole thing, yes as outlaws they can’t stay for too long in one place. But as mentioned I have a hard time sympathize with and immerse myself into that lifestyle. Yes, I got all my upgrades and a whole new area to explore, a bigger nearby town, and closer to that big city. Still hated it. Horseshoe Overlook was my place. The Heartlands was home. And the view was stunning! And I liked Valentine. It was small and dirty but I had good memories from there. Until I had to shoot up half the town. My motivation for continuing the main story is at absolute zero.

It was more what the transition represented, I guess. You never know what will happen in RDR2. And it’s true, for random encounters, and many of the individual missions. But when it comes to the story as a whole, I feel like I already now can predict how it’ll play out. Every chapter begins with the gang on the move, finding a place to settle down and have a fresh start, even chapter 1 (as they were on the run bc a heist gone wrong or something). Then they settle down, go into town to get to know the area and establish connections and looking for easy money, often at the expenses of others. X random events later, they get too overconfident or careless, screws up or get hunted down, it ends with a shootout, then they are on the run again, finds a new place to settle down where Dutch promises that THIS TIME IT WILL BE DIFFERENT until they’re wanted on the entire map and can’t go anywhere cos the wild west is ending. I really liked it at Horseshoe Overlook and whenever Im in that area again I’ll just get sad.

I had no idea I’d gotten so emotionally invested so I was really surprised at how much I disliked moving camps and all. I’ve also gotten so fond of Arthur. I was so busy with exploring, doing challenges, learning to hunt etc I didn’t even realize it happening. Until one scene had me almost tearing up! I think because, we as the player really have to look out for him. Even though I make sure that he eats regularly, he’s still underweight. When out riding I usually set up camp when night falls so that Arthur can get some rest. Something I’d never think about in any other game. And I always give him coffee in the morning. Then it’s his journal that gives such valuable insight into who he truly is as a person. There’s no doubt he’s so much more than just a mere outlaw. He writes surprisingly well and is open and is surprisingly honest about his thoughts and feelings. How torn he is between the life of an outlaw and wanting to be a better man, a better person. How he admired Charles because, for him it was ‘so easy to just be good’ whereas he himself always feel torn between good and evil. And his journal entries when he meets his long-lost love Mary and saves her brother from the cultists. The expression on his face as he said goodbye to her on the train station… how utterly heartbroken he was… how she still loved him too… man, that one tore at my heart. Still does when thinking about it.

I wish I could take Hosea, Charles, Sadie, Tilly, John’s family and maybe Lenny too with me, run off and start anew. Charles would have good influence on Arthur and encourage him to turn his life around and find his place in society and encourage John to be a better father and role model for Jack and they could all learn how to live as free men and women without robbing or hurting anyone (unless they deserve it). Like, Charles is an excellent hunter and tracker. He’d totally get enough food for the gang and maybe even enough to sell. He could train Jack too. Hosea was always more of a conman/grifter than a brute/robber. He could con bad guys or rich assholes Robin Hood style. If anyone gave him grief, John and Arthur would settle the score. Arthur could sell animal pelts and John could take up carpeting. They’d be such a happy lil family. But, RDR1 is yet to happen so it’s all just wishful thinking *sigh*

#red dead redemption 2 #arthur morgan #the ramblings of a fangirl #about me

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lifeofbouyd · 5 years ago

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Runaway girl

#Repost

I became way more sexually active when I entered high school. It was as if I had a craving that could not be filled. The more I had sex the more I wanted sex. These girls lived, ate and dreamt sex. This put me on top of the sex chain in 7th grade. Being the only sexually active boy in the class had girls wanting my dick as if I was King. I never really paid much attention to the girls in my class even though I did eventually bang a few. I was more in to older girls who were much more mature and fully into sex. There was this real sexy girl who sat in my lap one day while heading to the town from school. She wined to every song that played, even gun songs lol. This made my dick hard as steel in my pants and everytime she felt it she looked at me and smiled. Keep smiling, I’m a fuck you soon real hard too. Unfortunately I had only said that in my mind lol. Kill me dead I said it out loud. I took her number and saved it as girl I want to fuck because at the time I didn’t know her name. I forgot I had her number until a few weeks later when I saw her in devotion.

Her: pussy, yuh style mi

Me: wat yuh talking bout

Her: yuh tek mi number an no link mi

Me: I forgot

She took my number and texted me same time so this way I would have no excuse not to text her back.

We text/sext all day that day and were on the phone for a long time in the night. I told her how I wanted to fuck her and she told me all the things she wanted to do. I wacked off to the thought of her getting all crazy and doing the shit she said she had planned to do. She promised a blow job like a vacuum and a ride like a rodeo. She planned to fuck my brains out. Wow, a blow job. I’ve never had one of those. Most the girls I was fucking thought that was nasty and claimed they’d never do it. Funny enough they were published year’s later sucking big black pipes lol. We met a few days later at the farm at lunchtime with intentions of her sucking on my snakehead. Anxiety ran through my veins like blood while I imagined what was to come. I had seen blow jobs on many occasions and always wanted to experience it.

By the time we started kissing I was as horny as a monkey for a banana and she was gonna be the monkey eating the banana lol. All this shit was about to go down. I started fingering her while we tongue wrestled. This chick was great at kissing, she made it feel like it was better than sex. She braced her pussy on my leg and slowly moved her waist. If I didn’t know better I would say she was already on my dick. She pulled my zip down and took out my rod.

Antoinette: wow, is this your birthmark?

Me: yeah it is

Antoinette: how did it get there lol

Me: I have no idea but I’m glad that’s where it is

Antoinette: I love it. It’s like strawberry chocolate.

((((Muah))))

She kissed the head 😮. My other head exploded with excitement and my knees got shaky. ((((muah)))) She kissed it again but this time it was a long sucking kiss. She slowly ran her tongue around the rim of the snakes head as if she was trying to separate it from the rest.

Me: Oh….. My….. God….. (((Heavy breathing))) it feels………….. So….. Weird….

Antoinette: Told you it would blow your mind. Relax and let me take care of you. I tried, real hard but my legs kept shaking. She started sucking while stroking. Slowly my dick slid down her throat; you know that feeling you get when you go really high on a swing or fast over a bump while in a car. Lol. That’s how I felt, like I was running out of breath. Shit, I had to beg her to stop. Lol I couldn’t hold the feeling, I literally felt like she was sucking my life out.

Antoinette: you don’t like it?

Me: Idk, it feels too good lol

I could see the disappointed look on her face as if she wished she had an undo botton to take the blowjob back. I loved it to be honest but I just wasn’t sure if that’s how I was supposed to feel. I was running out of breath and it would be a real disappointment to die while getting a blowjob 🤣. Who does that? Still horny as ever I decided I was gonna fuck the disappointment off her face. I bent her over on a desk top while I tried forcing my dick in. As wet as she was her pussy was tight. I kept poking her slowly until the head finally slipped in. A deep moan was the response.

Antoinette: ((((ouch)))) nuh mash it up now

Me: shhhh 🤫

With 1 hand on her shoulder and the other on her waist I slowly stroked her. As soon as she got super wet and I started making love to the pussy my friend came.

Steve: yow, a time fi class. Di oda pikni dem a come.

She flipped off the dick and got herself together. As for me, it wasn’t that easy; my dick was way too hard to bend lol 🤣 it took me minutes to get it down and turn it long way in my pants. It was so obviously stiff I had to put my bag across my waist. She kissed me on the cheek and walked away with smirk 😏on her face. Lucky for her she came; unfortunately for me, I had a dick as hard as steel shooting across my pants. Sigh, fuck my life. When I got home she had sent a long message, some shit going on at home.

Antoinette: Hey, I’m home. I wanna talk to you about something. I feel like running away. I don’t even know where I’m gonna go but I’m tried of my mom. She keeps stressing me out. Blah blah blah and more blah blah that I don’t remember. Can I come stay with you?

Of course I thought she was joking. Random bulshit talk to start a conversation.

Me: Yes babe, you can come stay with me whenever you want.

Antoinette: Ok, I’ll come weekend.

I had forgotten we made plans for her to run away because as I said I thought it was a just joke. Friday evening here she comes with 2 big bags 😮. I was shocked out of my life. Is this girl serious. ”A wanda if she lick her head”.

Me: Babes I didn’t know you were serious about this. Why didn’t you tell me yesterday you were coming for real?

Antoinette: Why would I be joking? I told you I need to get away from my mom. Are we going to your house or not?

I thought for a second, what’s the worst that could possibly happen. Other than dying while getting a blowjob there was nothing holding me back lol 😂. I called the helper and told her to cook extra because my friends are coming over. We chilled at the game shop for awhile the headed home. Even though I always brought girls home no one ever caught me in the act. I went in first then pulled her through back door of my room like always. She fell asleep the moment we got settled, I guess she was real tried. I took me a shower and got us some food to eat. She kept smiling as if she was about to propose; as if she had woken up to prince charming and breakfast in bed. By this time everyone else was sleeping so she went and took a shower. I had always seen this girl in her clothes and considered her a trophy but seeing her naked was on a different level. Remember that feeling you had when you got that Christmas present you always wanted when you were a kid. That’s how I felt when she took the towel off.

Antoinette: I hope you don’t mind me sleeping naked

Me: Not at all 😏 I sleep naked too lol

Instantly I took my clothes off and dived into bed. She laid beside me and for a second I acted like wasn’t greedy. Unfortunately, my dick holding up the sheet gave me away. She pushed her hand under and massaged it slowly while kissing me on my neck. My body got confused as she slowly kissed my sides and my legs. Chills ran through my body as if I was taking an ice cold shower. I couldn’t stay still for not even a second. She so gently slid her tongue all over the candy stick before wrapping around d edge of the head. I wanted to scream, I wanted to laugh, I even wanted to run. But my fucking legs were so weak I couldn’t even stop shaking. If I didn’t know better I’d say I had a nerve problem lmao😂. She sat on my dick with her hands squeezing my neck. Swiftly she moved her waist while I gasped for breath with her tits in my mouth. Her cum dripped down my balls while she shaked and made her face up. This girl had the weirdest look on her face when she was cumming lol I couldn’t help but laugh. Sometimes she even looked like she was constipated 🤣. We fucked like animals all weekend long. And during this time no one knew she was there until Monday morn before school. I got carried away fucking her in the bathroom. She screamed out while I was striking her from back. Not even realizing what just happened, the helper pushed the bathroom door.

Helper: 😮Bouyd. What the hell is this?

Me: 😮

Antoinette: 😮

Helper: Who is this?

Me: My friend from school

Helper: young miss yu need fi find yu yard right now.

Antoinette walked out the bathroom without a word while the helper kept talking. As far as I can remember she kept staring at my dick the entire time she spoke. I think she was jealous. When I got home from school the helper came to my room to talk about what happened. She said it’s ok to bring girls over but I just gotta be discreet. She had just given consent to the devil to be evil lol. What she didn’t know was Antoinette was in the closet 😂 patiently waiting for her to leave. She stayed the entire week and planned to stay another. It’s as if we had forgotten she ran away from home. I was in class the day the cops and her parents came. They threatened to send her to juvi if she didn’t tell where she was all this time but she didn’t rat me out. I didn’t hear from her for about a month because they had transferred her to a school in Kingston.

Antoinette: Hey Bouyd, I miss you. I just got my phone back. Blah blah blah. Can I come see you?

Me: I miss you too and I can’t wait to see you. When can you come?

Antoinette: Today

Me: Ok

I went to meet her only to see her with a big travelling bag 😮🤦‍♂. I didn’t even bother to ask why she had it lol my guts said it all. This girl just ran away again. I called the helper and told her to except a visitor. For some reason I just knew this girl was not going home anytime soon. I didn’t even think about the consequences that followed this encounter. The helper and her became friends within the first week. I came home to dinner and a damn sexy chick each evening. Even though it was summer I always had some where to be. Life doesn’t get better than this. Her mom and cops kept calling but we didn’t give a shit, for all we cared we had each other. My aunt came to visit one day and realized she was staying with me. She believed in being 30 before having sex. This woman wanted no one there even though she didn’t live there. I came home to an empty bed that night 😞. A broken heart in my chest and emotions I couldn’t control. I cried like a baby. I called her for weeks but got no response 😞. I became an emotional wreck. Being robbed of my happiness and the one thing worth living for at the time made me a monster. I didn’t even wanna hear about another relationship. It was already too late when I realized I had fallen in love with her. I was so fucked up I didn’t even have sex for 6 months. I poured my heart out in a message one day only to get a reply saying;

Hi, my daughter already has a boyfriend here and she does not wish to speak with you. I would like for you to leave her alone. No calls, no text no nothing. Thank you. Or something close to that effect.

Shit, why me. Was I not eligible for love, don’t I deserve to be happy too? This even made things worst. Sex became a sport for me. No feelings, no attachments just random hits. She had left a Mark on me or a curse as I used to call it. I ran into her a few months later at champs. So surprised to see me she jumped in my lap and started kissing me. I didn’t even remember I went with someone that day; we headed for the bathroom where shit got real. So anxious for each other we both came several times in no time. It was like epic make up we could get caught sex. The adrenaline was way too intense to bare. I was so beat out I could hardly catch my breath. We stayed there in the bathroom for a while and talked about shit. Not shit shit but life shit. Turns out her mom had taken her phone and she had no idea about the message. She just kept crying when I told her. A fight started in the bathroom between her and the chick I went with. I had totally forgotten her, shit. I had to part the cat fight before it got out of hand. And these girls had the audacity to turn on me 🤦‍♂. I was so damn tired from fucking and trying to part them I could hardly defend myself. Lol, I got myself a black eye to take back home; I guess it was the consolation prize. I had won myself a fuck and a black eye but again lost Antoinette. I didn’t even get her new number.

I found her on Facebook a few years back. I doubted it was her until I read her post: ”I remember when I ran away, best time of my life. B.A.S I hope you’re happy where ever you are”. I messaged with high expectations of banging her again. Unfortunately she was no longer in the country and she was engaged to be married. She had changed and I was happy for her. Who thought my runaway girl would ever get married. Shit, she looked like a queen in her dress; she slew that wedding. I ain’t heard from her since. Guess she ran away for good this time. Either way, she’ll forever be my Runaway girl.

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fanatic-author · 7 years ago

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Dressrosa AU part 1

I’ve been writing this fic for a little while, and I decided to post part 1? this is unbetaed, unedited, and incomplete so idk when I’ll get around to finishing it but once i do i’ll edit and post it on AO3. For now, enjoy the tumblr exclusive

Ace smiled to himself, a little hesitantly and still internally shaking with nerves. He fiddled with the skinning knives he'd left out on the counter to distract himself, a testament to how distraught he was that he even managed to forget his knives out. They still had fish scales on them.

Usopp smiled sadly from his place at the dining room table, the sun shining through the window and catching on his dark curls. The entire room was pleasantly lit with the happy sunlight streaming through the windows overlooking the waters outside, where most fishermen were laughing and joking as they made their catches of the day. Ace was forever grateful for Usopp's friendship, that he was willing to stay inside on such a wonderful day just to calm Ace's nerves.

"You know he'll be fine" Usopp assured from where he sat, watching as Ace paced and fiddled with random objects around the room "It's an honest question, and an honest inquiry. The king will placate him, and send him on his way no worse than when he began"

Ace heaved a huge sigh, desperately trying to rid himself of the weight that plagued his heart "I know, but that's the problem, it is an honest inquiry because there are legitimate reasons to be suspicious of what happened that night. Everyone just accepted what his majesty said pertaining to that night but-" he shook his head, tearing his eyes from the window to pace some more "I'm just worried. I've never been more terrified than on that night"

"And what do you think will happen?" Usopp insisted "The king will imprison him? Execute him? Just for asking-" he cut himself off as Ace paled, actually considering the potential consequences of the foolish inquisition "Ace, come on..."

"I should have stopped him" Ace moaned in grief, burying his hands in his face. Slowly Usopp rose to guide Ace to a seat at the table "It's just not worth it, what if he is killed?"

"It's worth it to him" Usopp offered "He's a knight, he values things like justice and honor, protecting the innocent and wonderful bullshit like that"

Ace hiccupped on a sob, desperately fighting tears "Yeah he really does" he rubbed the ring on his hand, the golden gleam catching the light "It's what I love about him"

Usopp rubbed his back reassuringly "Hey, there you go it'll be alright. Those two idiots have been stuck together through thick and thin, they'll come back just fine. Probably a little pissed off but then you'll be there for him, right?"

There were tears dripping down his cheeks now, stubborn little things insisting on showing his distress further. He brought up a hand to rub them away, smiling at Usopp "Yeah, yeah they'll be fine"

"There you go!" Usopp exclaimed, popping up onto his feet "Why don't we make a nice big meal for the two of them, to help placate their frustration at the situation?" The added bonus of distracting Ace went unsaid.

He rose from his spot at the table to join Usopp in the kitchen "That sounds good, but do you even know how to cook?"

"Of course I do!" He rebutted, affronted "I can make fish stew, fish pie, fish on the cob..."

Ace mimicked a yacking noise, ignoring Usopp's overzealous displeasure at Ace's implication "All you fishermen are the same, you're lucky you have Kaya or you'd be dead by now, I swear"

"I'll have you know I once cooked for the king himself, and he swore it was the best meal he'd ever had! In fact, he said it was so good, he made me swear to never cook for another again!"

Ace laughed at the ridiculous story "Oh really, and was that the new king or the old?"

As Usopp floundered for a witty response, Ace approached the large gaudy vase taking up more than its fair share of counter space with its enormous flowers. He'd put it there since the kitchen window received the most light during the day, but for now they'd survive a few hours in the dining room.

"Here Usopp" he called over as he lifted the heavy vase into his arms "You can go put this thing in the other room for me"

"Oh! Isn't that the one-"

Ace didn't manage to hear the rest of Usopp's question, because a shock ran through his entire system, freezing his muscles, his tears, and the very thoughts running through his mind.

What's happening what's happening what's going on why-

For the briefest of moments Ace fought with everything he had to hold on, unwilling to let go but they slipped through his fingers like water, getting sucked away with such a rapid speed he hardly had a second to cry out in panic-

"ACE!"

He came back to himself with a sharp gasp, clutching his throbbing hand to his chest, curling up on his knees (when had he fallen to his knees?) His entire body shaking with phantom sobs but for the life of him he didn't know why.

"It's okay" Usopp assured him, and Ace felt like he'd been hearing that all day, but why? "You dropped the vase, it was a pretty heavy thing. You're surrounded by broken glass so I'm gonna help you out okay?"

Absently Ace remembered nodding, and Usopp gently guided him out of the sphere of broken shards. All over his kitchen floor lay shattered pieces of bright and colorful glass, the flowers it had held already wilting on the floor without the water and sunlight. A golden ring sat in the center with several droplets of red, his own blood from where he'd cut his hands as he fell, littered around in tiny dots.

He felt strangely numb, like there was a static running through his mind softening everything around him. He'd stopped crying, but was hyperaware of the tears tracks down his cheeks. His hand absently throbbed in pain, blood still leaking from the wound he'd been left with from dropping the vase.

"I'm sorry Ace, I know how much you loved that vase"

He shook his head, slowly, in disagreement "No" he whispered "I honestly don't even know why I had the ugly thing"

----

"Ho, Ho! Ho, Ho! Here you will find the best quality fish, for the best quality price! Come here to feed your family the nutrition they deserve!"

Ace chuckled from his spot on the counter, wrapping up the cod in waxed paper for his customer before him. He wiped his hands on his apron before resuming the action.

His customer gave a small grin of his own "Enthusiastic little fellow, isn't he?"

"He's one of a kind" Ace agreed "I wouldn't trade him for the world"

"And you shouldn't!" He passed over the coins to Ace, who dropped them in the jar by his feet "Toys like that are hard to come by. You know my daughter managed to befriend a doll in town, took her months for the thing to warm up to her, you know beyond their usual toy-ness. And then one day poof!" He mimed a small explosion with his hands "This toy car came out of nowhere one day and decided my wife was his best friend! The little thing follows her everywhere now, during the day. Carries groceries for her, helps her clean, that sort of thing. I have no idea how they decide to just stick to one person"

"My guess?" Ace offered "Luck of the draw"

The man gave a large guffaw before collecting his fish "You're probably right! have a nice day Ace!"

"And you too Mister Hernandez!" He called after him.

The toy calling out advertisements for him offered his own farewell, before leaving his perch to join Ace at the counter. Comically he stuck his arms onto the counter, allowing the rest of his body to hang of the edge. He gazed up at Ace with one small button eye, a bright blue stitched on with black.

"I think we served even more people than yesterday, Mister Ace!" He proudly exclaimed, clearly taking credit for the apparent increase in sales.

Ace only shook his head with a fond smile "And I think we served all the same as we did yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before..." He quirked an eyebrow "It’s a small dockyard, Mr. Prince. Not too many wander out this way aside from our usual customers. But" He rubbed a finger through the doll's yellow yarn hair, topped with a small felt crown "I do appreciate the help"

It was amazing how a little doll with one button eye and a beaded smile could appear so proud of himself. His chest puffed out and he swore his little smile grew that much bigger.

With an excited whoop Mr. Prince threw himself off the counter, landing as gracefully as his namesake "Then I shall continue my hard work for Mr. Ace, may he be the king we deserve!"

Ace bit off a sharp laugh "I'm no king, I'm but a humble fish salesman, and I'd be happy to stay one for the rest of my days if it meant a roof over my head, and three meals a day"

"Oh!" Mr. Prince swooned, spinning dramatically before landing flat on his back "What a noble one! Truly, a man worth protecting!"

"Oh?" An unseen voice inquired "I did not realize there was a charming prince hiding amongst these docks"

Mr. Prince spun around with ferocity to face his newfound foe with a sharp "Halt!" But Ace paid the toy no attention, for his attention was caught by the stranger before him.

Ace could immediately tell he was a man of the sea by his stride, slightly off kilter on solid land, not like the local fishermen who spent all day on the waters and all night at home all their lives, well-adjusted to both.

His clothing was practical but fashionable, which was far more than any local could claim of their gear. His boots were of a high quality, but well worn and he had a long weathered jacket with a pair of fingerless gloves pocking out from the pocket.

A sailor, a marine, or a pirate.

The stranger also ignored the chattering toy to lean on Ace's counter, golden studs in each ear gleaming in the weak sunshine. His grin was sharp, and his eyes sharper as he evaluated Ace from his old boots covered in fish scales to his stained overalls, and finally his tussled curls much the same way Ace had judged him, sizing him up.

"If you caught that" Ace finally managed to say lowly under his breath as the man leaned in "Then you also heard me state that I am no prince"

"Ah" he shook his head "I heard you say you were no king, nothing about a rather handsome prince"

"Then you admit you were eavesdropping!" He leaned further in, until their faces were inches apart "I am no prince"

The stranger cocked his head to side, grin not slipping from his cheeks "But you admit you're handsome?"

It was then at that moment that Mr. Prince, having managed to climb back onto the counter, got between their two faces to point his felt sword an inch from the man's eye.

"Halt I say! Who be you to intrude on Mr. Prince's property in such an insulting manner?"

With his eyes still shining in amusement he backed up a step, slowly raising hands in the air "Relax little toy, no need to prove your honor. I am Marco, a humble customer here to buy this gorgeous man's wares"

Mr. Prince sputtered in anger, Ace flushed but refused to leave his stare "Well you're just in time, I was about to close up shop but we still have some left. Mr. Prince" he leaned over the counter, catching the orange sun and pink skies between his neighbor's two houses "The sun is setting now, time for you to go"

Mr. Prince stilled, his solitary button eye following Ace's gaze to the strip of visible ocean, quickly turning pink in the setting sun's light "Alas" he admitted "Tis time for me to retire for the night, may I see you safely and healthy in the next day"

Ace hated watching Mr. Prince leave, how his shoulders slumped and a solemn air clung to him as he left, leaving him a ghost of his fantastic character during the day. Sometimes he wondered if the toy really was hit so hard when it was time to leave, or if Ace was gaining a small glimpse into his true character every day. He didn't know which hurt more.

"So" Marco caught Ace's attention again as Mr. Prince rounded the dirt road up the hill out of sight "He has a curfew? A toy that uptight has an even more uptight wife who keeps him on a tight leash? They're perfect for each other"

Ace rolled his eyes, groaning in good nature "All toys go home at night, it's forbidden by law for toys to stay out, but you'd know this if you were local"

"Ah" Marco admitted "Is it really so obvious? Here I thought I was blending in just fine"

"It's a small community Sir, and I know every face I serve and buy from. You are dressed for the sea, but your gait" he gestured to the man's feet, crossed in front of his counter "Suggests you've been off land longer than anyone else here. And so, I ask you this, are you a sailor, a marine, or a pirate?"

Marco stilled, his eyes glancing up to meet Ace's challenging stare "I underestimated you, observant one. You could tell immediately I was not from here, and so you are now deducing if I am a simple man, a man of the law or" His grin widened "A man who is of danger to you"

"I don't like your attitude" Ace decided, leaving Marco sputtering "I ask you a simple question and yet you do not reply with a simple answer. Instead you decide to play mean games meant to intimidate and frighten me, not to mention the way you treated my friend. I implore you to complete your business here and be done with me"

For once Marco's suave expression was wiped clean off his face, leaving him with wide eyes and a slack jaw before he burst into laughter "I have never met a man like you before, Ace. I will complete my business here, but believe me I will be returning. Two pounds of tuna please, should you have it. "

Ace grit his teeth but continued his business as cordially as possible, giving him the last pound and a half of tuna he had, plus half a pound of fish he hadn't the slightest idea what species it was of. Marco was unbothered, paying the requested amount of gold (slightly higher than what he normally charged, but it was clear Marco hadn't a shortage of coin) with that, Marco left Ace with some parting words "Don't lose that fire of yours, I'll certainly be back"

"I sure hope you return with your gold" he shot back, wiping down his counters "and more respect for Mr. Prince"

Marco laughed, tipping his hat as he sauntered away "Why bother? He's just a toy"

Ace clenched his jaw, throwing his cloth on the counter and returning to the inside of his shop to clean far away from the obnoxious man outside.

He decided, right then and there, that he and Marco would not ever be friends.

#one piece #fanfiction #marcoace #dressrosa au #angst #marco is a snarky asshole #ace doesn't buy his bullshit #three guesses who mr prince is #no context we die like men

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survivor-tierradelfuego · 4 years ago

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Ep. 4: “Oh the classic dilemma of Survivor.” - Leanne

Ryan

I'm going to be honest, I'm not really gonna miss Tyler. I feel less bad about kicking him out now that I know he's played before. He was kinda cocky and reclusive- that's not the vibe we need in our tribe.

Najwah

I'm actually upset and really annoyed that no one else is willing to move their times so I can play too? And no one even acknowledged my message lol I started this game under the impression that people from all over the world would participate but instead I'm in a group with a bunch of Americans and I have to adjust my times EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. It is a lot. I feel like quitting. I mean what's the point? I've been struggling with depression for such a long time, it's been amplified by this Lockdown and being part of something, this whole make believe game brought me some kind of joy. Some light. However, being blatantly over looked and left out because its convenient for everyone else kinda sucks. I'm overlooked and left out of everything in real life too. I don't think this game is good for my mental health actually. I feel worthless and like shit and the person I thought had my back the most, Leanne, seems to be the most annoyed with me. She isnt even replying to me in our one on one chat. Guess she got everything she wanted out of me hey? I don't know whether any of this extra stress coupled with sleepless nights and zero concentration when doing my work is worth it?

Zack M

here i come again, carrying the tribe on my back like i always do. (dolly parton reference to "here you come again" ... available on spotify for those who don't know) this is the second time in a row that i stepped up for the team while everyone else was silent. like it's cool. i don't mind doing it for them as long as we win. it's not fair for me to be labeled as a threat because i do my best .... and that best happens to be sometimes better. idk. i'm just here to play. i don't feel the same drive from my teammates. yes. that's it. i'm here to play to win. they just want to win. nothing is going to change for me. i'm going to do every challenge. i'm going to come with the big moves. i'm going to hurt some feelings along the way. but i need to stay in the game to be able to do that. i'm truly scared i'm going to be blindsided if we don't win. COUGH COUGH IM SCARED IM GOING TO BE BLINDSIDED IF WE DONT WIN AND I DONT HAVE AN IMMUNITY IDOL FROM THE WISHING TREE COUGH COUGH ..... i could really use a wish right now (wish right now).

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovDd3CLqYos

Leanne

Have ya heard the news? Our tribe finally won a challenge! This is great news, and not just for the obvious, game/numbers related reasons. The night results were announced my Skype didn’t go off all night. All, night. I think there was a block of at least 12 hours straight I wasn’t looking at it. There was that gaming voice in my head that now and then would urge, you know, you really ought to check in with Aimee and see what she’s up to. You know, you had a conversation with James the other day, you better try building that up. But honestly, these last few days have been so peaceful I just didn’t want to. It was too nice being off line LOL. Of course, there still remains the difficulty that I still don’t know where the target is going to land. I had a check in with the “trio”... Ben and Zach. It was “I don’t know” all around. One of them said that the first person who threw out a name would probably be made a target themselves. So no one will talk about that, seemingly, until we lose. Of course, my individual preferences haven’t changed. I’d still like to see either Cody or Sarah go. Leaning toward Sarah at the moment because she seems more feasible. She wasn’t at our last tribal, she hadn’t checked in for a little while, and when we were getting ready to do the challenge last night most of us thought she wouldn’t be around. I was really hoping she wouldn’t show so that I could make a stronger case for that. Precedent shows that lack of presence is the go-to way to get yourself voted out. And I really don’t know who she’s with, if anyone. I haven’t really talked to her. Maybe I’ll float that idea to people today. Instinct tells me that I should get in before the challenge results are announced, because afterward, if we lose, people will be scrambling, and it could land most anywhere. But if I’m too aggressive with this I could be the one throwing names out there and it could backfire. Oh the classic dilemma of Survivor. In other news, Najwah and I have been working together on the idol hunt. She’s been talking to Cody, I’ve been talking to Zach, and so the question we are pondering is whether they’re giving us trustworthy information, both about the search and the game at large. I actually do believe that we’ve been completely upfront with each other and at this point I trust her as completely as anyone can trust in this game. She continues to be my very best ally and I hope we can keep working closely together as this goes on. It’s only hitting me now how hard it is to form impressions of the other tribe based on the info we have. I’ve been reviewing some of the tribal’s, there’s from yesterday and our last one, and the answers are canned enough and United enough that nothing is really said. Everyone in this cast knows we are here to play a social game, and that means not saying stupid things and trying not to make enemies, especially in these early stages. They look strong and unified. They had an easy vote and seem to like each other, which is very much to be expected. I can’t really gleam any subtext from what I saw. Odds are we are just as hard to read for them. We’ll just have to wait and see come merge time, or possibly swap time? At their tribal the question said there was “talk” of that as well. Here’s hoping I’m not the Johnny come lately to that discourse. But even if it is looming, not much to do about it till you get there. I don’t think that’s something you can necessarily pregame for. So there you have it. It’s been a refreshingly peaceful several days and let’s hope it continues. These results could go either way, and if it doesn’t go the way we want, well, then the game switches into the next gear. That would make me very worried for our numbers down the line, but more immediately we are probably all worried about our place at that point. I have no idea what will happen.

Ryan

I am not very happy by the fact that I will have no control in the fate of our tribe.I'm happy we voted Tyler out unanimously, he was someone we all, especially Pedro and I, agreed on very early. it's gonna be tough now moving forward, but I know who I don't want to vote out

Pedro A

So Today we have the challenge....Im scared if we go to tribal idk who will go

Alan B

Yes! I'm so glad we won - the next vote for our tribe is gonna be a tough one, i really hope making the only mistakes during this challenge doesnt come back to bite me! we won right how bad could it be...

Pedro A

WEEEE WONNNN....stream CLC, RED VELVET AND BLACKPINK...you know why?....cause we have the night offffff.....

Amy A

Another night off 🎉🎉🎉. I’m so ecstatic because there’s no name coming up for vote 2 yet so it could literally be anyone even though I think my alliances with people will carry me through. My alliance with Ryan and Pedro is still strong and I have secret alliances w Maddison, John, and Grae even though Grae’s is more shaky. Im going to go sleep with no worry in my mind at all. Maybe except for a tribe swap. Maola ROCKS and seeing us divided will break me 😭😭

Kalle N

I recently found out that John has been telling almost everyone that he trusts them 100% and not just me so I'm working on making a big move to get him out next time we go to tribal (even though I love him and he has been one of my closest allies this entire game). He's just too charming and close with everyone

Maddison

Hi confessional. Really hoping I didn’t just brand myself a threat during that challenge but I’m glad I could redeem myself from the telephone game. I’ve had new people want to work with me within the thirty minutes following, and I can’t tell yet how legitimate their inquiries are. But hey, that’s Survivor.

Zack M

jesus christ. there is so much going on right now. we lost again. whomp whomp. but again, i like losing. it let's me know where everyone's head is at. i'll face the consequences later. i want to flush the idol out but no one seems to be with me. i think either aimee or leanne has it. i want to say aimee to leanne and najwah and leanne to aimee because i know they will tell each other, one of them will use it, and then cody sarah ben james and i vote najwah. bye idol. bye to one of their numbers. 2 against 5, there's nothing they can do. BUT NO. so then najwah reaches out to me and calls me the tribe leader. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. clap clap. she sees right though me BUT she is letting me stay? it really is such a bad game move for her. i feel so bad. so najwah started the "hunt alliance" with me cody and leanne. leanne threw out sarah's name so we are going to pretend to go with that. but now the target is leanne in hopes that we just flush the idol out by vote. i think this is dumb and is going to fuck us over but like maybe people are legit. i really have no idea. and now there's a group with everyone besides sarah. i feel so bad. sarah, you're not going anywhere so don't you even worry! i think my plan is the safest but like no one listens to the TRIBE LEADER.

Cody A

Full disclosure y’all, Im just going to preface this confession with the simple fact that I am UNWELL! I just ask that y’all bare with this confession!! It could be as bad as Nick Cannons (very brief) rap career.. on Sunday one of my close friends took her own life.. and It has been difficult to separate this game from real life. In the real game of survivor I’d be stuck in Fiji with no information from the outside world.. so i am trying to navigate this game and real life at the same time. That being said: this vote could be very simple or VERRRRRY complicated. The plan is for our group of 6 “JESS” to tell aimee, Leanne, and naj, that everyone is voting Sarah.

THATS NOT HAPPENING!!! SARAH (NOT LACINA) IS MY NUMBER 1 & I WILL PROTECT HER AT ALL COSTS!!! Initially it seemed Zack was adamant about voting Naj our and not Leanne???? but I think I did a really great job of convincing him she is a huge threat! (Gotta save my girl Naj!) The real plan is for JESS to put all of our votes on Leanne, who still has yet to have a conversation with me. I feel like I am in a great position but I do not want to get comfortable!

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oz7uKVXHzI&feature=youtu.be

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wH8nJmP6vhE&feature=youtu.be

Leanne

So we lost, again... just great. First there was nothing. Then the trio chat with Ben and Zach got together to exchange obligatory commiserations and giant shrugs. Then Najwah got in touch. Neither of us heard anything. She actually said because of this she just assumed it was her; I’ll get more into this in a bit. As of now she’s the one I trust The most, so I asked her how close she was to Sarah. Turns out, not very. She wanted to start a group chat with Zach and Cody, for the dual purpose of getting that plan together and for comparing info about the idol hunt. So we do that. After a few more rounds of circling the question of what do you think I said to the group that Sarah doesn’t seem to be available a lot or connecting with people. We agreed, and Zach suggested we get the rest of the tribe together, sans Sarah, in another chat to lock it in. This is after Zach and I said Ben would be in, and Cody said James would be in, and I don’t remember how but somehow Aimee was accounted for. The only other person left was James. My thinking, which both Zach and Cody seemed to share, was that it was better to risk James being close to Sarah than to get him upset by leaving him out.

Throughout the whole thing, Najwah seemed to have an abnormally high degree of caution and concern. She really wants to feel people out first before she does anything, which I don’t think is possible all the time. What if James is talking to Sarah? What if Sarah has an idol? What if the other four have an alliance? Not sure if it’s just me but she seemed to be doing a lot of what if’s, all valid ones but just a lot. She raised some other concern to me in a private chat and I answered her something along the lines of, it’s good to look before you leap but nothing is a sure thing and we have to take a few risks and be ok with not being certain. Well anyway, the larger group chat gets made. But as I’m making the conversation, the talk in the idol hunt chat, that is, the foursome that was just planning the Sarah vote, switches to what people are finding in the idol search. Now, this is a good thing. We did want to compare notes on that so we at least know where not to go. But not at that moment. Because when I started the larger group chat with James, Ben and Aimee, they of course wanted to know what the plan was. This left me all alone to ask them how they felt about Sarah as a target. I really could’ve used backup from Najwah, Zach and Cody in that moment, but instead they were talking about coins and advantages. Again, that’s a good thing, but in that moment, to the other three it almost looked like I unilaterally decided that. It looks like I got everybody together completely on my own and said, hey everybody, here’s what I decided we’re going to do.

Now, from my perspective Sarah was completely my idea, but that’s only my side of the story and I don’t know what other people were saying, and I have no wish to appear to be a dictator. Fortunately for me no one seemed to talk to Sarah at all. The consensus was her contact was brief and spotty and she was away too often to have built any meaningful connections anywhere. So it looks like it will work out and be easy again. Well, at least that’s what it looks like to me. We’ll see. The other good news is that we do have an idol task force. I found out the jacket is a 10% advantage in a challenge; good to know. Also the jewelry box was taken. No word on who took it, but that costs 20 coins. A theory I saw discussed was that someone shared coins or else Amy bequeathed at least five of them upon her exit. I don’t see that as being likely.

There’s got to be at least one more source of coins besides the two known to the group. Seems like we’ve been looking and coming up empty an awful lot. Not sure how candid the group members are being but at least we have an open line of communication about this. I was very annoyed because I felt abandoned by them to deal with the other three but that wasn’t done on purpose, and having this search party is a very good thing. At the very least we can help each other avoid disadvantages. Also, after we talked about Sarah, Aimee messaged me privately, saying she was leaning that way too, and we talked for a little bit. She seems to be talking in these little bursts to most everyone but at least it’s a relationship with potential to be built up further. So to me it looks like we’ve got an agreement and it’s Sarah and it was fairly easy. Of course, they could flip on me, and there’s an off a lot of time before tribal tomorrow, but like I just told Najwah, nothing is certain and we won’t always have every bit of the facts when we make a decision. All I can do is talk to folks, make a plan, and see what happens.

Aimee

Najwah just messaged me saying “So what do you guys want to do?” Except she just sent that message to me. Individually. “Guys,” plural, with an “s.” 👀👀👀👀

Zack M

im going to feel like an asshole tomorrow if i'm not blindsided and the plan goes the way we want it to. i've had a beautiful conversation with najwah tonight and i hope she doesn't think it was all for the game tomorrow when we vote her number 1 (leanne) out. najwah if you're reading this, i'm so sorry. this is a cruel game. i've loved every minute of getting to know you and our conversations! you're an awesome person and i hope you don't hold anything i may do to you against me. i would absolutely love to stay friends with her outside of this game. i just needed to put this in writing before i possibly hurt feelings tomorrow. again, she did call me the leader of the tribe. i would get rid of me if i was them so like anything is possible.

Pedro A

today im going to talk with alan, kalle and olivia

Sarah

Well, the general consensus is to vote me out tonight at tribal because I haven’t been as available this week which is TRUE since I haven’t had service much on my vacation. Leanne threw my name out and everyone “agreed” I was an easy vote. I am trusting my alliance of 5 in Jess (Zack, Ben, Cody, James) and we are voting Leanne. I do have an idol BUT I definitely do not want to play it tonight. Right now, I trust my alliance but if things get suspicious or Cody tells me that Zack or Ben have flipped I will play my idol tonight. To be continued....

Ryan

That stupid idol hunt and the disadvantage is gonna get me kicked out I just know it. F#*k me.

Olivia A

The first vote went smoothly! Except for the fact that Tyler voted for me. My only worry is that he might’ve discussed/decided that vote with someone else. I’m not too worried though because I still feel really solid with the people I’m aligned with.

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJd1QSw04ak&feature=youtu.be

John B

Thanks to Maddison we won another challenge and honestly bless because I really don’t know who would have gone next. I found out Ryan got a disadvantage for the tribe while idol hunting and I know, Olivia knows, and I’m probably gonna mention it to Grae and Kalle that Olivia told me. Right now I think if we had to go to tribal it might be Alan or Ryan but I honestly have no clue. Alan has the idol which is a good reason to boot them, and if I can get rid of Ryan that will break up the outsiders alliance. The challenge had me scream laughing because I think Kalle and I share a brain. Literally all of our clues were vines and we shared them at the exact same time. I would love to get an alliance going with Kalle Madison Grae and Olivia, I’m just worried Maddison and Grae will get weirded out to have an alliance outside of the core four without Pedro. If it happens I will have Kalle start it up so I don’t look sus. I am v curious to see what the other tribe does for the next vote seeing as the last one was unanimous. Honestly they kind of scare me.

James Hayden

It's two hours before tribal and neither Leanne or Naj have messaged the group to confirm that Sarah's going home. Either they are over confident in their plan and feel no need to confirm or they are planning something else. I'm praying to the Survivor ORG gods it's the first one!!

Cody A

I have bonded with Naj so much these last couple of days. I feel like a horrible person for leaving her out of the Leanne vote, but perhaps I’m the one being left out of a different plan 🤷🏼‍♂️ This game is exhausting 😂

Ben Kessler

Here's my worry: Survivor is not a numbers game, it is a people game. And the people on my tribe are crazy, but I like crazy. I work with crazy. Leanne, Naj, and Aimee are hopefully on the outs. Leanne will hopefully be eliminated tonight. I fear an expansion at 15 and if this happens I will need to throw my tribe under the bus in order to fit in...slowly, subtly, and methodically. The other tribe is not battle tested and neither are we, so my new objective is to ensure that I am under the radar while speaking enough to have my voice in any group. Leanne is most likely of those 3 have an idol, but I would not be surprised if somebody in my alliance had the idol as well. Either way, as long as I survive I am happy. Najwah The last time I wrote a confession, I was having a really horrible day. I was ready to quit but I think after some rest and a good venting session, my head is back in the game.

Leanne, Cody, Zack and I have solidified our alliance. I hope. I thought people would want to vote me out because I haven't been participating and I wouldn't be offended or surprised if they do. Tribal tonight is going to be interesting. Someone has an idol. Or SOMETHING. The jewelery box is missing. I love Cody but I don't know why I suspect he has something to do with it. I have a feeling in my gut. Don't know whether he is double crossing us. Also, Zack said he'd stay on the mountain and then he told us he bought a jacket in the market place. Is my alliance actually working to get me out and blindside me? Lmao I wouldn't be surprised AT ALL. we are all survivor superfans. We all know how the game works. Convincing everyone to vote Sarah was WAY too easy last night. Sarah also seems wayyyyy too comfortable. She doesn't bother talking to people much or she's playing a really excellent low key game. Either way, I commend her and whatever she's up to. I don't know what I think of Ben and James yet They're way too chilled and seem to go with the flow but I know they have their own flow. And they are working together on something. I hope tonight's vote is as easy as people think, even though my gut is screaming that we are in for some huge surprise.

Sarah

Maddison

Fell out of a tree idol hunting this morning. Big win out here in Tierra del Fuego for Maddison!

james hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npTEWU0Hv5s

Zack M

we are about to go into another tribal to vote someone out and i'm so irritated right now. the plan is to vote out leanne because she may have an idol but she hasn't done anything all day long. najwah is literally messaging EVERYONE but is too scared to throw out a name. she wants to make big moves but can't and needs someone to do it for her. this scares me more than leanne because i'm close with her. ben and i have a trio chat with her. we could easily swoop in and say omg i'm so sorry after and make things ok if there is a tribe swap. leaving najwah gives cody the upper hand. i need the control. speaking of cody. cody and sarah have already early voted. i'm sorry but this just should not be allowed. this game is taking up a lot of time but welcome to survivor. we're all tired and don't want to be doing this on a saturday but here i am. i swear my team keeps losing because none of them are giving 100% like i am. tyler should have been on this tribe and i should have been on the other.

the only person i feel safe with right now is ben. james is a close second.

fingers crossed i don't get blindsided.

Grae G

Hello ok!! So I’m currently on good ground w everyone in the game but I want to solidify bonds w kalle Olivia and Maddison. I feel these people really trust me so I want to make sure they trust me. It’s become clear to me that every person in the game feels closest to John. He’s telling everyone different info and I’ve caught him in several lies- I’m not sure what I want to do about it yet. But as soon as I see an opportunity I’m gunning for him. But if I can’t swing it then maybe Ryan as an easy next vote bc he admitted to me he got us the disadvantage lol.

#episodes

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elvesofnoldor · 7 years ago

Text

ok i came across an actually pretty good post yesterday abt emotional immaturity and manhood in tlj and how portraying grown 30 yr old man as emotional immature is problematic, and i definitely agree to a certain extent, but i couldn’t reblog or like it. First and foremost, the post kinda implies that in order for the bullshit mutiny arc in the 2nd act to resolve rationally and satisfyingly, there should be some true consequences to poe’s actions just because he shouldn’t be treated as a child, ....and it’s like....what consequences? and like, idk, like what, you would rather poe to get put on trial and executed? or has his freedom take away and get imprisoned? (not that its actually possible cause the resistance is down to the last men and it doesnt even have a prison) Is that what you think should happen??? Cause that’d be consequences to mutiny lol. But does poe deserve that? even if you dont think about the fact that he was out of character? or the fact that poe was framed as a an irresponsible and immature child that he is not ? NO bitch!

Like, i’m the last person who uses “if this woman didn’t do something, this man wouldn’t do this, so really it is this woman’s action that made this man do this not-so-great thing” kind of logic, but this literally happened with poe and holdo lmao. If Holdo had told a high ranking officer--someone who commends humongous respect from her troops, or be transparent about a plan that concerns the lives of every single surviving member of resistance, this whole inner conflict would have been avoided. She assumed a officer she doesn’t even know would oppose to her, assumed that he is dangerous (that was some bullshit foreshadowing to the mutiny but literally none of his previous actions in tfa or in comics/novel show him to be a dangerous person so it makes no sense). For anything, I wonder how Holdo explained to Leia about her lack of transparency that led to a unnecessary mutiny within the resistance! It was literally her fault that this bullshit happened! Also, leia, out of all people, knows and LIKES that poe is someone who would challenge authority if it means to save the lives of his troops and those he swore to protect. Keeping Poe in the dark would result in literally nothing good. Leia was supposed to build him to become the leader he could become, but doing what? making him blindly follow leaders he has no reason to trust in? It’s the main reason why poe is recruited in the first place! Holdo led everybody in the resistance to believe that she is leading them to literal death as she exhausted all the escort ships. Her plan, by the way, was risky anyways, because she relied on delivering the resistance members to safety in unarmored transport ships! After she exhausted all the escort ships that could protect these transport ships! The way she sees the last couple of people on the resistance is disgusting cause she sees them as inconsequential and expandable and probably why she is willing to sacrifice ppl like that, yet shes painted to be the one who cares abt her troops?? lmao (she says something abt rose being a nobody or something like that, which shows what thinks of gross-root resistance fights--not as important as she is, and im sorry but i dont have respect for this kind of bourgeois attitude ) There was no good way to resolve this mutiny conflict because if not for bad writing, it wouldn’t have happened anyways. Leia supposedly taught Poe a lesson--what lesson? It’s not like Poe disagreed with Holdo’s plan and tried to start a mutiny? This conflict resolves in such weird fashion because it is a shitty conflict to start with!

Anyways, I’m on the “poe dameron did nothing wrong” team and you all know that this is the right team to be on, but tlj does frame his actions like he’s a immature child...like he needed to learn lessons that he already know, when in reality he really doesn’t cause he’s not a goddamn teenager/child!!!! Tlj framed his first battle as result of reckless action, but when if you think about the entire battle again, you’d know that he made the right call to take out the gigantic dreadnaught ship that would unquestionably destroy the resistance fleet. After all, Leia didn’t counter Poe’s order, she let him follow through his own plan anyways because she must have see the point in his plan anyways! When the dreadnaught is destroyed, she was visibly glad and only become concerned when she realizes the bomber squadrons are all dead (but its really what, 50? maybe not even then vs thousands upon thousands of imperial officers deaths, this is war! poe did what he could do make sure resistance suffer as minimal casualties while causing the maximum damage to F/O!) Leia has been through a war and she maybe too old to send people to deaths, it’s time for her to pass on the burden of a military leader. But for her to blame and physically punished him (someone who just got torture a couple of days ago) because she could no longer deal with the need to send soldiers to their death? Doesn’t seem like the kind of thing Leia should have done! Not to mention, Poe didn’t really develop as a leader, he was just shown as the competent leader that he always was at the end of the narrative! It’s just previously, he was framed as someone who’s made bad and reckless mistakes by not listening to grown-ups and being inconsiderate of others by publicly displaying anger (SUPER NOT IN CHARACTER BTW). Framing Poe as some sort of reckless child that he probably was when he was 15, instead of the 32 year old seasoned leader he already was is disrespectful to his character! Sure, Poe, along with Finn and Rey give off a particular youthful energy. He was enthusiastic, he was passionated, and despite his age, he did not grow cynical--instead he was hopeful and still wanted to fight for a better future. But that does not mean he was a child! Just because leia would be a mother figure to him, doesnt mean hes gotta be come off as a literal child/teenager.

On the other hand, this post, also sort of compared poe to kylo? and that? kinda pissed me off too? Because kylo was a relatively weak villain because he was emotionally immature and doesn’t realize it’s a problem. He was a man-child, that’s canon. Poe was not a man-child, that was not canon. Kylo is actually pretty in character here. He was someone who decided to ruin his parents’ legacy simply because they didn’t pay as much attention as he thought he should get. Yet despite being such man-child, who’s also emotionally manipulative and abusive on top of that, and just plain emotionally detached from people that he was willing to inflict immense harm to anybody who got in his way, YET DESPITE ALL THAT, he was not necessarily framed as the bad guy.

The heart of the problem was not that rian portrayed two grown ass men as two man-childs. The heart of the problem was that one of these two grown ass men (poe, a moc) was canonically not a man-child and was framed as so and vilified for a out-of-character characterization, WHILE the other actual villain is framed as endearing man-child who was Deep and Complex. (I saw some ex-mutual reblogged a post in which OP says that kylo is not abusive cause he was a deep and complex character and the implication that abusive people are not complex is super hilarious to me, you all can bend backward to suck his dick its amazing!)

#yolanda talks #i had to say if i dont look at finn rey and poe's canon ages i'd thought they r all 25-27 #rey. esp in tlj is characterized as someone much older than who she is. very bad!!!#portraying young girls to be more emotionally mature than her age is one of the reason pedophiliac culture exists #also young girl expecting to be emotionally mature enough to redeem 30 yr old man-chid? bad trope!!!!#finn doesnt even have an actual story but he was not much older than rey (23! at #he was also abused all his life! coming of age story should have happened for him!#he SHOULD be the one to find his place and have emotional development and poe should be there to help him as older peer #(this is one of the things finnpoe fandom is bad at...making poe the emotionally vulnerable one and make finn to counsel him)#finn is the younger one here! he is not a child and hes super competent! but he needs help dealing with trauma and emotional vulnerability #his arc should have taken a lot of space and instead of letting a younger man to develop as a person and character #rian gives the space for finn's arc (whos not parallel with any OT characters actually) to kylo #tlj should have been luke passing the torch to rey as a father figure and leia passing the torch to poe as a mother figure #while finn become a true rebel and deals with his trauma--this arc needs so much screen time! but its given to kylo!!!!!

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weedle-testaburger · 7 years ago

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i am your beloved mutual (not kent) and would like to request 1 thru 55 pls and thank. now get cracking shit bitch

I've done 31, 38 and 48 but I'll do the others just for you binch.1. Kissed a girl? Yep2. Kissed a boy? Yep3. Had sex in public? No, but one time my fwb and I made out and felt each other up in the toilets.4. What's my religion? Catholic, although my family and I aren't really practicing anymore because our local church is full of dicks.5. What's my URL mean? Idk really, I like Wendy and I thought a Pokemon with a name that starts with would go well with it. I did consider stan-darshtomp but went with this.6. Reason I joined Tumblr? My friend seemed to like it a lot, and I heard there was a lot of Pokemon and Dr Who stuff on here.7. Do I have any nicknames? @sawyer-is-unisex calls me Boo, but that's about it.8. Do I like bubble bath? I'm pretty indifferent to it.9. Kissed in the rain? Nope 10. Dyed my hair? No, but I'd like to someday.11. Soup or salad? Probably soup but there's not much in it. Give me sandwiches any day.12. Vegetable or meat? Unless it's deep fried, meat.13. Go out drinking? Now and then, only at uni though. 14. Smoke cigarettes? Never, I had asthma as a child and it smells awful anyway.15. Smoke weed? I've tried but it doesn't usually affect me to actually smoke it, just when I have pot brownies. 16. Do any hard drugs? Put it this way: my flatmate has contacts and is a hippie.17. Have I had sex today? Nope, haven't had sex in a bit over a month.18. Have I ever fallen asleep in someone's arms? My fwbs and I have done that before, it's lovely. 19. Relationship with the last person I texted? It was my mum.20. Has anyone told me I have pretty eyes? Not that I can recall, I've had lovely compliments before but I don't think that's been one of them.21. Skipped doing homework to play a video game? Used to do it all the time, nowadays it's more getting distracted when researching on Wikipedia :P22. Tried to commit suicide? I've never tried, but the night I realized my grades weren't good enough to continue doing second year I wanted to really bad.23. The last time I felt broken: when my fwb said she didn't want to do stuff anymore because she thought I was taking it too seriously.24. Had to lie to everyone about how I felt? Idk really, I've been lying to my mum about liking The Big Bang Theory for about a year now if that counts.25. Do I have a boyfriend or girlfriend? No but I lowkey wish I did.26. Long hair or short hair? Kinda short but not that much, I don't get haircuts very often.27. First thing I notice in a guy/girl? I guess it's their expressions and how pretty I find their face? Idk I'm not good at answering questions like this XD28. Do I sing in the shower? If I'm vibing on a song, yeah.29. Do I dance in the car? It's only a little hatchback so no.30. Where was I yesterday? At home, except for when I went for a walk with dad around midday.32. Last time I got my portrait taken by a photographer? Winter ball at uni.33. Do I think musicals are cheesy? Yep, and I really don't like them as a consequence. I guess the reason I'm cool with shows I really like doing musical numbers is simply because they have characters who exist outside of song numbers and make more sense because the singing is used for intensely emotional or comedic sequences.34. Is Christmas stressful? It definitely can be, depends on how things are with your family at the time.35. Favourite kind of fruit pie? Apple. 36. Occupations I wanted to be as a kid? An actor and author. It's funny cause I sucked at both. Nowadays I'm a decent writer and a bad actor, so I guess that's progress.37. Do I believe in ghosts? No, but I think it's fair enough if people do.39. Take a vitamin daily? Nope.40. Wear slippers? Never at home, a lot at uni. 41. Wear a bath robe? Nope, tbh I take my clothes into the bathroom with me and dress after drying off.42. What do I wear to bed? Short-sleeved pyjamas with long-legged bottoms.43. Do I want to get married? Definitely!44. Can I curl my tongue? Yep.45. How many relationships have I had? 2 serious relationships, neither of which lasted that long before the other person dumped me, and 2 friends with benefits.46. How can you win my heart? Have feelings for me tbh, I'm not picky duhssjvsgjssa47. What makes a great relationship? Trust, openness, and above all, emotional support. We all need someone to care about us sometimes, and someone we can care about sometimes too.48. Shy or open relationship? Pretty open tbh.50. Religious or non-religious relationship? Non-religious, religious institutions don't understand jack shit about relationships imho.51. Caring or non-restrictive of me? Caring, of you think something's a bad idea I want to know. 52. Straight edge or non-straight edge? I don't really mind, I'll love a partner no matter how much of a risk-taker they are or aren't. 53. Piercings or no piercings? I don't want them myself but I'm not fussed about what my partner has.54. Tattoos or no tattoos? Ditto.55. Quiet stay-at-home type or party type? Quiet stay-at-home, every time.There you go anon! Thanks for asking ^3^

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were-cheetah-stiles · 7 years ago

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So yesterday I talked to this lady who was shook nasty because of her husband leaving her for her friend. Together seven years married one. What’s the fucking point of seeking out a relationship when shit like that happens everyday. I’m not a decent person. Something like that is bound to happen to me.

well, i do not know why you sent this to me, but i guess im glad you did.

story time, gather round kids.

so, i have had three major relationships in my life.

the first, was about a year long, i lost my virginity to him, i loved him deeply, yada yada yada. he cheated on me. dated that girl for two years, and i had to see them every day because high school sucks.

the second, was a little over a year. i loved him. he was not a good person. he was a consequence of the headspace i was in at that time. i’ll get to that in a couple. he cheated on me after about two or three months of dating. i took him back. he then had a month long affair with some other girl, which i suspected was happening later on, after it was over, and i never said anything. then, after we spent about a week together on vacation in Chicago, he drove 45 minutes out of his way to fuck some girl. he finally admitted that last one to me. i asked him about the affair, having had found some definitive proof about it, and he finally admitted to it. we broke up. i got over that one pretty quickly.

the last one was the big one. this one wrecked me. this one put me in therapy and almost ended with me flunking out of college. three years. if you dig far enough back around my personal tumblr, you can find the remnants of that relationship. he was my first great love. i had never experienced anything like that before. madly in love was an understatement. madly madly deeply in love for three years. we were about two months away from moving in together when he suddenly broke up with me. i found out he had been cheating on me and then moved in with the girl he cheated on me with in the apartment that we had picked out together. he had about $3000 worth of my stuff. there was a restraining order involved because of some stalking on his part. yea. that shit just about ended my life.

remember how i was talking about the second one being a consequence of my headspace at the time? well, my parents had been married for about 29 years? something like that, when he cheated on my mom and walked out on us. i didn’t talk to him for almost five years. i made some really poor choices in terms of men and trying to fill that role of a male figure in my life in the meantime.

with all of that being said, anon. people are shitty, yes, and shitty things happen to them, but with a defeatist attitude like that one, i dont know what you’re expecting to happen to you. that’s really fucking awful for that woman, but why would that happen to you? you were not in her exact situation.

also, those experiences and relationships i listed above, they shaped me. they made me strong and independent and fierce and have led me to where i am today which is generally content, with great friends and wonderful experiences, and really choosing to invest in my happiness. some shitty cheating happened to me, but you don’t see me hating on relationships or men. i mean, you do see me hating on men, but that’s because white cis men are the fucking worst generally.. i digress….

i think what really irks me about this is how you took someone else’s trauma and made it about yourself.. like, what? this woman lost her partner, her friend, her previous life, her marriage, and you’re like, what about my relationships? i don’t get that.

like, idk, man. that kind of attitude kind of pisses me off. that’s like “what’s the point of going into the ocean if people get eaten by sharks five times a year?” or like “what’s the point of getting out of bed if there are terrorist attacks in Syria?” IDK PROBABLY BECAUSE YOU LIVE IN LIKE WEST VIRGINIA AND YOU ARE MORE THAN LIKELY NOT GOING TO GET ATTACKED BY A CAR BOMB?!??!

WHO CARES IF YOU GET HURT FROM LOVE? YOU SHOULD GET HURT FROM IT. IT ISN’T MEANT TO BE BUTTERFLIES AND UNICORNS ALL THE TIME. IT’S MEANT TO BE DEEP AND LAYERED AND DIFFICULT. YOU ARE MEANT TO INVEST TIME AND EFFORT INTO IT AND IF IT DOESNT WORK OUT, LEARN FROM IT.

sorry.

idk, dude. love is amazing. jump in, be afraid, but don’t let it stop you from living your fucking best life.

#i may have gotten a little heated

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betterlovers · 8 years ago

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Your turn, drop and give me 1-99

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?Well they’d have to be probably…Between The Mountain And The Sea by Senses FailI Am Hated by SlipknotToo Dumb To Die by Green DayDecayin’ With The Boys by Every Time I DieYou’re Crazy by Guns N’ RosesAnd…Idk maybe Bonecrusher also by Senses Fail2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?Assuming I can only choose one single person and they have to be alive… Corey Taylor. Sorry but… Corey, ya know?3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.Page 23 doesn’t have a line 17 but page 22, line 17 is “ ”. Cause there’s also no book4: What do you think about most?How much longer I can lay in bed without being late for work probably5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?“Please don’t speed up” I’m assuming she meant speed, not actually speed up cause you kinda hafta when driving6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?With, but if I had my way it’d be without a with a certain someone as well ;)7: What’s your strangest talent?My ability to not crash my car no matter what stupid shit I’m doing whole driving8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)Girls are chill; Boys ain’t got no chill9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?Yeah but it was very super vague and indirect (not) back when I was starting a band with my ex girlfriend10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?Fam you caught right in the middle of playing air guitar11: Do you have any strange phobias?Nah. A fear of spiders but that ain’t weird. They’re fucking scary.12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?If someone ever says they never stuck straws up their nose and pretended to be a walrus they’re lying. So yes. Definitely.13: What’s your religion?None. Basically agnostic. Like if you got real hard evidence I’ll believe it but as far I know there ain’t nothing but here and now so I gotta live my life the best I can and not concern myself with pseudo-moral dilemmas created by a system designed to control the masses14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?Walking in the woods being edgy, running on fallen trees, stuff related to the woods15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?In front. Cause that means I ain’t gotta worry about making me look the good, the photographer does16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?Fucking Slipknot. Followed by Senses Fail, Green Day, and Every Time I Die17: What was the last lie you told?…that I wouldn’t speed18: Do you believe in karma?I believe that if it does exist it sucks at being consistent.19: What does your URL mean?Got a death wish. Ain’t, well wasn’t, too keen on living but wasn’t super actively going for dying either. Just wished I was dead and wasn’t avoiding dangerous shit. Ya dig?20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?My inability to trust people. For both.21: Who is your celebrity crush?Corey MotherFucking Taylor22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?Nah. But I’m down for it23: How do you vent your anger?Blasting my music as loud as it doesn’t hurt and then some24: Do you have a collection of anything?Yeah CDs and Vinyl records. Currently working on expanding them25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?Ooh… um. Idk. Neither tbh. I guess phone if I had to pick26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?I’m moderately happy with the way my face has become. That’s about it27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?Generic metalcore. Sound I love: actual quality screams in music28: What’s your biggest “what if”?What if I never make it in life?29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?Mmm idk and yes. There’s no way to not believe in aliens30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.The wall. And the windows with the left31: Smell the air. What do you smell?I smell.. nothing. My nose doesn’t really work like ever.32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?Fucking Canada...kidding. idk no where’s been THAT bad. Maybe my old job33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?…is that even a question? Look at my description for the blog. Says it all34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?…umm… only one I can think of right now is Lena Scissorhands35: To you, what is the meaning of life?For one to protect themselves and theirs36: Define Art.It’s very… artistic37: Do you believe in luck?I mean yeah. I consider myself very lucky. I get away with a lotta bullshit38: What’s the weather like right now?A bit chilly. But clear skies all around39: What time is it?11:15 PM as of answering this question40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?Yeah I love driving. And… sorta? Let me clarify that it was when I was backing out of the neighborhood parking lot at like 6 AM and I had my music blasting and didn’t hear my neighbor honking the horn at me and I kept backing out and hit them at like… .002 mph41: What was the last book you read?You’re Making Me Hate You by.. Corey Taylor…42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?Call weird or crazy or whatever but yeah. I love it43: Do you have any nicknames?Nah not really no44: What was the last film you saw?I think it was Rogue One. Badass move btw45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?Well once I tripped and fell on my face and chipped my tooth and to this day I have a spiky tooth in the front. I say it’s the worst cause the consequence is still very visible 46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?No. But now I’m gonna47: Do you have any obsessions right now?Me? Nooo never48: What’s your sexual orientation?I have no fucking idea49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?That I was a drug addict or a drug dealer. the latter didn’t stick, seeing as I was not popular in high school50: Do you believe in magic?Not really no51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?Oh absolutely. It can last years and go well beyond a rational grudge.52: What is your astrological sign?Taurus. Stubborn as a bull.53: Do you save money or spend it?If you got money to spare that you ain’t gotta a goal for, spend it. That’s my motto54: What’s the last thing you purchased?Some food for me, my mom, and my stepdad55: Love or lust?Both. At the same time preferably 56: In a relationship?Single and ready to consider mingling until I remember I have 0 social skills whatsoever57: How many relationships have you had?…longer than a few months? Like 3. Less than a few months? …more than 3 but I can remember the exact amount cause if it lasted less than a few months they obviously weren’t very important to me (i say as a way to disguise the fact that I fucked all but my first relationship)58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?No. But neither can you so ha59: Where were you yesterday?At work, at home, and at a restaurant 60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?Surprisingly no61: Are you wearing socks right now?I was just about to take them off but yes I currently am62: What’s your favourite animal?Dogs. Dogs. And dogs.63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?My willingness to pick up the tab or bill 64: Where is your best friend?I dunno 65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.@nicotinecaffeinesugarfix @clientsfromhell @justneckbeardthings @markiplier @old-friends-senior-dog-sanctuary(If you ain’t on here that don’t mean I don’t like ya. Minus the first, these are mostly blogs that make me laugh)66: What is your heritage?PERU PERU PERU67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?Sleeping like a baby with my kids (my dogs) next to me68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?Bacon. Satan Bacon69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?Similar to the one where you asked about sticking shit up noses…70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?The friendly kind71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?Save the dog. I can get another job. That dog can’t get another life72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?A) no. No point in having then worry about the inevitable.B) finally go on that road trip I’ve always wanted to go onC) maybe at first. But again, no point in worrying about the inevitable.73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.Trust. Why have love if you can’t trust each other enough to enjoy it?74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?…even though it’s not supposed to, Decayin’ With The Boys. It’s just such a banger75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?475876: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?Trust. And also attraction and determination77: How can I win your heart?Food. Just lots of food78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?Of course. No guarantee it’ll be understood though79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?None reallt. Maybe leaving my old job. But my decisions are highly impulsive and… not good80: What size shoes do you wear?10.5 to 1181: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?“Follow Your Bliss”82: What is your favourite word?Moist. Partly cause every one hates it. Partly cause it’s fun to say83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.Nah84: What is a saying you say a lot?“Ya know?” “I mean,…”85: What’s the last song you listened to?Step To These by DJ Starscream86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?Black. White. Wine red87: What is your current desktop picture?A wallpaper of the self titled Slipknot album88. (I lost the question but basically I get to pick someone to spontaneously combust)Either Richard Spencer or Donald Trump 89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?“What is wrong with you?”90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?Go back to sleep and hope that if they eat me that it’s quick and painless91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?MotherFucking teleportation92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?The half an hour before I fucked us up.93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?None. They made me me. I don’t want then gone. I just don’t wanna remember them.94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?…again either Corey Taylor or Lena Scissorhands. Although she isn’t really a celebrity…95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?California or Chicago96: Do you have any relatives in jail?I don’t know for sure but I wouldn’t doubt it97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?Nahh just outside of them98: Ever been on a plane?Yeah. Nothing special though 99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?The alt right are nazis and also fuck them and fuck you if you think they’re okay

Jesus christ my arms hurt now. But it’s done

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rydenismyreligion · 8 years ago

Text

The Cherry FIc

Warnings: Idk any more

I awake groggily, I can’t remember anything. Yesterday was all a blur. I know Phil and I had been dating for a year now, it was our anniversary so we decided to have a party. I remember lots of alcohol, weird indie movies and boiled eggs. But now, where am I? I adjust my eyes and look around. It’s bright, blindingly blight but I can make some obscure shadowy figures.I recognize chairs, what looks like an assortment of clothes and various objects on the floor and a TV. It’s my room, well, mine and Phil’s room. I wipe my eyes and get up, I’m in bed. Shirtless, and wearing boxers. I take off the bed clothes and stand up. My body feels tense so I bend down and over to stretch. “You’re up, finally.” I recognize the voice. How could I not? It’s Phil’s voice. Vibrant and jubilant, lights my heart just hearing a vowel emitted from his mouth. I turn around, Phil is standing there wearing a plain white tee and some gray sweat pants. His hair’s a little messy but It’s early in the morning. He’s smiling, such a bright smile. “Phil,” I reply. I run up to him and embrace his nice slender body. I look him in the eyes, instantaneously we kiss. Our breath might smell like alcohol and eggs but it’s still one of the most empowering kisses I’ve ever had. One year, to think I’ve been with Phil for one year. “You’re in a good mood,” Phil points out. I let go and tears of joy flow from eyes, “How could I not be? I love you phil.” I go back for another embrace followed by a sweet kiss. I get lost in him, in his everything. In his supple yet fortified body, in his sweet soft lips, in his gentle embrace, in the light of his own existence. He’s my one my all, my alpha my omega, I can’t describe how I feel. Call me a sexually misunderstood dramaqueen teen but goddammit I love phil. I’d love him as a girl, but I’m glad he’s a guy. So much time passes, it’s a tongueless kiss. We don’t need our tongues to dance to show our feelings, just the embrace is enough for us. I think to myself, “How long has it been? Minutes? Hours? Days? Years? Eons? This kiss seems laconic yet eternal. Perhaps my homo-erotic fantasies are taking over and this is the greatest feeling in the world, or perhaps I’m being admonished of what to come. But why do I know something bad will happen? What is this apprehensive feeling I have? It festers in my heart, diabolically ripping my feelings apart and smiting my love. No, go away! GO AWAY! Why am I screaming on the inside? Why are all these questions forming? I love Phil so what could be wrong? How long has this kiss been? What’s going on?” My thoughts are cut off immediately. The kiss fades away and I fall on my back. Blood is on my lips and down my chin but I didn’t feel anything. I look up as my paralyzed body lies in a contorted position. In what looks look like a scene from a horror movie there stands Phil, his piercingly cold eyes, his menacing grin, and blood on his teeth. In his right hand is a syringe– an empty one at that. I feel dizzy. “Phil,” I struggle to call out to him, but no success. My mind drifts, my body fades. Like the pouring rain I feel gone. I drift off to…to where exactly?… …. “WAKE UP BITCH!” A sudden jolt of electricity shoots through my spine as a stinging sensation emits from my chest. I cough up air that I choke on and crane my head forward giving me whiplash. “AHH!” I scream in pain only for my mouth to be cupped. Phil’s demonic eyes stare me into my soul. He has a vicious smile on his face. “Scream and I kill you. Nod if you understand?” I don’t know what’s going on, or why but I instinctively nod. He pushes me back and whips me again across my neck. I bite my lip and curl my toes and fingers as the searing burns fester. I’m chained, my arms and legs are restricted and I’m somewhere in a dark room. Before I can recover from the previous mark of searing pain the whip cracks again against my right shoulder. My eyes widen and I suppress a scream but in a chained order the whip fluidly cracks itself against my stomach, back, and various appendages. “OH GOD STOP!” I scream inside but it’s no use. I cry, I cry heavily. I don’t make any noises except for faint grunts of horror but my eyes won’t stop leaking. The tears trickle down my face and tickle me. Not the fun friendly tickle, the irksome tickling that feels uncomfortable. Everything hurts, everything is black and gray as the whip snakes itself painfully upon my body. Phil’s snapped, that’s all I can say, but why? I try to think to last night but abruptly it’s over. “How does it feel, bitch?” Phil snaps. He accentuates the last word as if to let me know that I’m now his bitch. I grit my teeth and lie, “It feels good babe,” tears stream down my face faster. Phil’s lips curl again. He doesn’t smile anymore, instead he horrifically curls his lips as if he’s in a movie made by Tim Burton. He licks the tears off my face slurping them with the utmost obnoxious moans. It’s not kinky licking, either, it’s almost like Phil is slowly eating me like an ice cream. He’s gonna thaw me by licking me all around until I’m nice and moist where then he’ll take a bite and It’ll be over- or at least that’s the feeling. “Your tears,” Phil grunts between licks, “they’re so delicious.” He moans in pleasure. I hold my tongue and try to suppress my every urge to scream but it’s futile. Phil suddenly stops licking me. He unchains me systematically, almost like he’s a robot. I fall to the ground and hit my back. This pain is nowhere near as bad as what I just went through. I get up and am greeted by a fist across my cheek. It’s blindingly fast and unexpected. I slam back into a wall coughing up blood on the way. Before I can collect my bearings Phil charges toward me, swinging his whip passionately against my withered body. The whip travels its way painfully across myself each strike so much more deadly than the last. “WHY WON’T YOU TALK TO ME!!!???” Phil demands in between whippings. I reply in between the whippings, “I.. didn’t… know… you… wanted.. me… to Phil!” Phil stops. He rests his whip and sighs. I fall down on my knees covered in bruises and blood. I cough up thick red phlegm and hope it’s over. But of course, it isn’t. Phil roughly grabs my hair and drags me against he cold concrete floor. He takes me to a sink and bends my head back in the bowl. I stare up at the faucet knowing what comes next. Burning hot water pours down like a waterfall smothering my face. It seeps into my mouth, down my nostrils, clogging my ears, and sliding underneath my eyeballs. The pain is never ending, never ceasing, it goes on and on burning worse and worse. I try spitting out the water but more comes in. I’m choking, burning and drowning at the same time. I feel my consciousness fade but then it stops.. Abruptly Phil pulls out my head. I take a deep breath that is short lived. Swiftly he dunks my head in a bucket filled with freezing water. At first it feels pleasant the cold water, but then it burns. It freezes over on my face and burns me worse than the hot water. I yell my heart out in the water bubbles quickly travel up to the surface repeatedly popping. Phil pulls me out again and leans in near my wet and burnt face. “So?” He asks, “Anything to say?” I spit water in his face. “WHY?” I yell at myself. “WHY DID YOU DO THAT DAN YOU FUCKING IDIOT! OH GOD PHIL’S GOING TO KILL ME!’ Phil wipes the water off his face and curls his lips again. He throws me against a wall and I slink down. He looms over me and unzips his pants. “You might like to spit but I’ll make you swallow.” His pants and boxers fall in sync with each other. Before I can take a good look, he forces my head towards his crotch. I feel it, his penis rests inside my mouth. It’s flaccid, but it won’t be for long. “Bite it Dan!” I yell at myself, but no. I know the consequences. I’m in a much weaker state than Phil so even if I did bite it, he’d catch me after recovering from the pain and then I’m screwed even worse. I decide to go with the flow, It’s not like I’ve never given Phil oral before. I wrap my tongue around his flaccid penis and snake it down all the way to the base. It’s shaved just like mine allowing this to be a more pleasant experience. I allow my saliva to lubricate it and tickle the base and shaft with the tip of my tongue. I can feel it slowly getting bigger. I retract my tongue and push it up against the tip, allowing the saliva to seep inside his meat. Then I rest my tongue inside the meat of his penis sucking him from the inside out. I slowly and faintly swivel from side to side, in a way jacking him off from the inside of his penis. By now it’s at full length. I go in deeper allowing the penis to tickle the roof of my mouth and press on towards the back. I have no gag reflex so I’m perfectly okay with this. The soft underside of my lips nuzzle against the lower part of his shaft as my tongue curls around it, taking a brief respite only to continue on to snaking it’s way through the meat. I can feel Phil’s penis slowly rustle. He’s starting to cum so I switch gears. I take my right hand and grip his base rubbing it up and down in my mouth while my tongue viciously slithers all over. It leaves its wet marks all over the shaft and tip while my hands roughly rub against the base. His penis lurches, it pumps itself once, then twice, and then on the third time I feel the ejaculation slowly seep down my throat. I swallow, I allow the liquid to travel it’s way down my neck and into my stomach while my tongue cups the residue and lithers its way all over Phil’s dick. It finally stops and pull out slowly allowing a strand of saliva to rest on the tip of Phil’s penis. I lay back and smile at a job well done. Then look up hoping for a smile on Phil’s face. His hand quickly covers my face and squeezes against my head. He throws me onto the floor where my chains were and quickly dresses himself. I struggle to my feet allowing myself to regain my conscience but Phil is already there. He grabs my right arm and chains it. I decide not to fight back, what would it accomplish anyway? Phil would just overpower and torture me more. Soon, my entire body is chained, I’ve never felt so scared before but I swallow my fear. “So Phil,” I swallow, “what’s going on now?” Fear picks apart my insides and spoils my stomach. I feel like throwing up. He remains silent and grabs his whip. “NO…” I think. I know what he’s planning but how? I push thought of my mind but it gnaws itself at the back of my head. He unzips my pants, and rips off my underwear revealing my flaccid penis. It occurs in slow motion. The uncurling of the whip as it slices through the air. My visage of shock as I quickly shut my eyes hoping this is all a dream and the snap. The crack as the whip unleashes its wrath. It slaps me straight on against the base of my penis and manages to slap itself against my testicles. This is beyond pain. This is nothing I’ve ever experienced or imagined could happen to me. My penis burns and my testicles seem to go inside my body and shoot themselves throughout my insides. Metaphors can’t describe the sheer suffering I’m going through. The concentration of 1000 thousand suns all imploding into a black whole that sucks every joyous feeling I’ve ever had only to regurgitate themselves in a supernova of pain course throughout myself. I scream at the top of my lungs trying to express this sheer pain. I grate my vocal chords and end up choking on my own air causing me to cry out. The tears burn themselves on my cheeks as my anaerobic body is dealt with another smash against my genitalia. It tugs on every nerve in my body and explodes every synapse. My arms curl themselves in pain as the veins twist and convult to express my suffering. I hit the wall. It’s done now, I can’t go on. I pass out from the sheer shock of the pain. ….

I wake up laying on a cold white bed. I look up , there’s phil in a doctor’s uniform. A white light utterly blinds me causing my eyes to burn and express the pain with tears. I’m chained down. “Phil,” I ask, “Why….” Phil has a solemn expression in his eyes. He seems to mourn what he’s done. It’s so cute and pathetic I almost forgive him. Almost. “Dan… I love you. I love everything about you. Your smile, your personality, how you taste, how you feel, how you sound.” Tears stream down his cheeks and onto my body. “Dan, I can’t live without you.” At this point he’s heavily sobbing while he expresses his feelings. “It’s been a year and I can’t imagine life without you so… so I can’t let that happen. I’ll never let you go Dan.” His voice becomes grave and he starts to chuckle maniacally. “I’ll keep you here forever hahaha! We’ll be together and nothing you can do can stop me haha! I.. I hahaha… I AHAHAHA I LOVE YOU DAN! I’LL MAKE SURE YOU NEVER LEAVE ME DANIEL!” His eyes widen and his pupils dilate, he grins as his body cranes over mine. It’s not Phil anymore, it’s a monster. A demon. The living spawn of Satan ready to torture my soul for all eternity. He continues to laugh uncontrollably but I decide to break the madness. “But Phil… You can’t do this…” My breath is labored and I struggle to utter these words. “Why Dan? Explain it to me.” Phil says, chuckling. “Because Phil.. because…” “Because why?” He grows more insane by the minute. “Because…” I know what I’m going to say. It’s not a wise idea. The moment I utter these words the end of my life is nigh. I know I’m going to be a dead man, and I accept that. Despite this insanity I still love Phil. So I must say this no matter the consequence., “because…” “BECAUSE WHY DAN!” “BECAUSE GUYS CAN’T BE YANDERE PHIL!!!” (A.N: A yandere describes an anime character who is either psychotic or violent or both, and shows affection to the main character.) Silence. Complete and utter silence. I feel it, I feel Phil’s anger. His vehement wrath, his pure unmitigated hatred for what I just said. I don’t say anything next. I can’t. I can’t bring the courage. Instead I close my eyes and allow death to pass on. I feel Phil walk away. Why? Where’s he going? The apprehension in my stomach has never been this bad. This feeling is by far the worst thing I’ve ever felt. It burns from the inside out and freezes over only to burn me again. I sweat acid, I’m choking on nails, and my skin feels like it’s being violated by a cactus. Phil surely has the worst torture in mind for me. I’m on an operating table, he’s dressed as a doctor. I know what’s going to happen. Phil returns. He pulls my eyelids open to force me to witness what will happen to me. He keeps my eyes pried open with a special clip so I have a perfect view of my body. He takes a small stainless steel scalpel and makes a small incision on my neck. I feel the blood trickle and I feel something getting pulled. It feels like my brain is being ripped apart and then it snaps. My throat feels like it’s filled with liquid cement. I can breathe but I realized what he did. He ripped out my vocal chords so I can’t scream. Next I watch as he opens up my stomach and pulls out every organ in my body besides the vitals one I need to be kept alive. Slowly and painfully he rips them out and crushes them in his hands allowing the blood to fall back in my stomach. This goes on for thirty mintues, I don’t even need to put in detail the pain I feel. It’s unimaginable, undescribable, undeserving. Then is my face. With a small curled knife he pills off my lips slowly allowing the blood to seep its way in between my teeth. Then he opens my mouth up and pulls out each one of my teeth with what seems to be a mini crowbar. He snaps them in my mouth and then pulls them off. After my mouth he decides take the mini crowbar and pull off my nails slowly from my fingers. This isn’t hell. Hell isn’t as torturous as this. This incessant brutality, Phil isn’t Satan. He’s the sadistic king. He’s the utter epitome of pain and suffering. Once my nails are ripped off of my hands and feet he takes what seems to be a hefty rock hedge clipper. He places it around my arms and squeezes, breaking my bones by imploding them. It doesn’t cut my arms off but instead mangles and crushes them. After my arms he goes to my legs until nothing but mangled skin is left. He’s still not done yet, no he never is. He pulls out a rusty corkscrew and I know what he’s going to do with it. He jams it down my urethra and twists it inside my penis causing the inside of my meat to become shredded and minced. Bloodsquirts out from my dick and plasters itself on Phil but he’s not done there. Then he brutally pulls the corkscrew to the right ripping open that side of my penis just to run across my left testicle. It rips off the skin and causes my testicles to sag even more. Then he takes his clipper thing and crushes each testicle while its still attached only to use it to rip them off from my body. As I’ve said, this is purely undescribable pain. I show my mercy by allowing you to imagine this feeling. For two reasons. The first, I can’t put this torturous anguish into words. It’s literally impossible to describe every nuance of this brutality. And secondly, If I could truly describe to you this pain you, the sheer vehemence of this suffering would be enough to torture your body with mere words. So I’ll allow you to be able to give yourself the benefit of the doubt of this pure and unmitigated torture. Finally it’s almost over. But it only gets worse. Dan pulls out a box of mini spiders. My arachnaphobia kicks into hyperdrive. I want to scream and shout and writhe around and fear but I’m torturously disabled to. Dan signals to me almost telling me that he’s going to place the spiders down my throat but there’s one more thing he must do. He takes his clipper and places it on my eyeballs. He starts with the right, slowly squeezing it allowing the blood on it to seep into my retinas and burn me before he pops my eyeball. After the first one is popped he moves on to the second. The only soothing part about this is the blood that flows down my face. It feels serene compared to this hell. Finally he pops the second one. I’m almost done, death is almost here. I hear the box empty, the spdiers clog my throat and crawl inside my body. They scurry, scamper, and hustle throughout my insides sojourning in my throat while they bite at the insides, resting in my lungs, clawing at my heart, and festering in every nook and cranny. The ultimate pain, the uttermost infinite amount of torture that could ever be reached. This seems to be a physically impossible amount of pain but that’s it, Phil did it. He reached the level of a God, smiting me with the impossible apex of torture and suffering. How fuckin kinky. The spiders bite and bite allowing the blood to run black inside me. It’s strange, seconds before I die all of a sudden this is turned into a great joy. It’s like the pain dial was reversed and the uttermost indescribable joy filled my body. I feel happy, I don’t hate Phil. I love him, I truly do. Do I still seem like a sexually misunderstood teen to you? I don’t think I do. I think I won. I won love,. Pure unmitigated, vehement, unwavering love. And it tastes like joy. A palatable victory. Funny, this victory, this palatable euphoria tastes like cherries. Like sweet liquid cherries…

#cherryfic #the cherry fic #danisnotonfire #amazingphil #phan

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mefukimeme-gonebithc · 8 years ago

Note

SWINGS OPEN DOOR FRANTICALLY AND POINTS AT ALL THE EMOJIS: do it

.........................oh boy

🐰 what is one secret that you’ve never told anyone?

HMMM most of them id rather not talk about since theyre really personal/a lot of them arent really secrets since i have talked abt them but they can easily go unnoticed sooooo

im confessing to having a thing for gloves i guess??? specifically black cloth gloves (im not a fan of leather, feels Weird) so. ye.

💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be?

All (in the end id probably be getting hugged tho haha im v awkward at hugging vs being hugged)

🐹 what are some of your favourite Pokémon and why?

CARBINKS!!! anything that i deem cute is my favourite (ex. r/owlets, m/imikyus, bonus since theyre a dark/fairy >:3c!!, pum/pkaboo, etc)

🌠 if you were in charge of the world, what would the world look like?

donald trump would be dead and obama can stay president for another 4 years until the world gains potential candidates that arent shitty

👀 what was the most recent vivid dream that you had?

I Dont Think I Want To Talk About It. ill just link the post. (btw thats my dream journal blog, i should use it more)

☀�� what do you like the most about your best friend?

i have multiple so hmm.....maybe the fact they put up with my gay bullshit

😘 talk about your crush or partner

gay. moving on.

💁 if someone was rude to you, would you be rude back?

ya betch

🌟 what do you like about yourself? (must choose at least 3 things!)

-hair

-singing

-cuteness factor

🐾 what are you scared of most? how will you overcome it?

HMM im mainly scared of losing my friends and thatll take more than just mental training to move on, but uhh i DO have a mild fear of getting assaulted..........idk how to fix that bc its actually really bad paired up w paranoia

🎁 what never fails to make you happy?

kuro kiryu. he can also easily make me cRY WHEN HES A FUCKING RANKING CARD.

💙 what annoys you about some people?

when they do stuff theyre not asked to do and complain like “oh my GOd [persons name] why cant you do this??? im so tired, i just wanna rest, but i HAVE to do this!!” like shut up no one asked you to do it, if youre so tired to rest first and then do it.

another irritating thing is people who use the term “special snowflake” unironically especially on kids who make edgy/mary sue ocs like shut up ugly let them grow up and regret their choices by themselves, dont teach them its okay to make fun of younger people for their edgy ocs

😤 do you get angry easily?

irritated??? ya, angry??? no

youd have to do some fucked shit to get me angry, but i do get irritated fast

🐇 what do you always daydream about?

I DONT THINK I CAN TALK ABOUT THEM HERE,,,

🌻 if you could change 3 things about the world what would you change?

-education system

-change how the U.S. ignores the struggles of third world countries unless it profits them/benefits them

-solar energy

🍓 send me 4 names: kiss, befriend, kill or marry?

“GKL JGAE THE ODDBALLS”

kiss - wataru

befriend - rei

marry - natsume

kill - shu

✈️ what is your dream city and why?

SAN DIEGO!!! its got such a nice vibe, its never too hot there, NATURE!!! I LOVE THE SCENERY THERE EVEN IN THE CITY THERES TREES AND ITS SO NICE!! its just got such a nice vibe to it i havent felt anywhere else and its SO NICE!!

☕️ talk about your ideal day

ideal day, i get to be home alone, play both of AKATSUKI’s albums while talking and playing games with friends without worry ill be too loud to anyone else, i get good food, and i have a nice dream that i remember vividly

alternatively, visiting a bunch of greenhouses/nature filled areas would be Great

🌸 are you an introvert, ambivert or extrovert?

uhh im gonna go with ambivert/introvert leaning

💧 when was the last time you cried?

crying as in “i feel like Death”, literally a few hours ago because i remember the daikagura kuro.....

as in actually breaking down, yesterday was really bad grhgra

🎵 name 5 songs you love at the moment

1. love letter of the brilliance of cherry blossoms

2. temptation magic

3. ryusei hanabi

4. hinakura to neji ama

5. the living ghost is alive

⚡️ if you had any superpower, what would it be and why?

HMMM this is actually hard for me to pick bc ive had multiple kins where i had powers fuc UHHH

its really hard for me to pick just one, so i guess ill just list off top 5 and why

1. teleportation - i could teleport to my friends cities, also i could prob trick people into thinking im running when im just teleporting inch by inch/foot by foot >:3c

2. deceiving ability like kano - ,,,it seems pretty neat

3. the ability to cheer people up - ,,, it seems pre

4. shapeshifting/transformation - theres absolutely no consequences to being able to make myself taller.........

5. weapon/item creation - i could just make headphones instead of buying them AND i can ensure theyll last

💛 if you could talk to your younger self, what would you say?

dont worry about how youre being treated now, itll get better

💚 who are you jealous of and why?

ahh, its hard for me to be jealous uhh

in one aspect, i guess te/tora since hes so energetic and hes paired so often with ku/ro...im pretty jealous

in another aspect, j/acksep/ticeye or th/omas san/ders. id love to be able to make a difference to others like how they do, not to mention id love to be as energetic as them

💎 which one would you rather have more of: intelligence, beauty, kindness, wealth or bravery? why?

bravery definitely. im fairly kind, i have enough brain power (OOOOO AIEOU JOO-) to get by, im fine with how cute i am >;3c, wealth is good but over bravery which im very much lacking in, id rather be brave so i could do so many things id love to do......

🙊 what are you ashamed of?

in a joking manner: my kink for intimidating characters. @ me chill

in a serious matter: probably the fact im awful at trying to cheer people up and i feel awful fornot even trying anymore

🌺 which languages do you know? which do you want to learn?

i know english, im VERY limited in thai/lao/japanese, and i know next to nothing of spanish/german/french but i did take a few notes about them bc i was bored. i wanna learn thai/lao the most so i can connect with my culture more, but japanese would be nice since a lot of stuff i enjoy is japanese and i dont wanna hastle others to translate stuff for me haha

🍀 if you could be any fictional character’s best friend/lover, which fictional character would you be?

KURO KIRYU I LOVE HIM

☁️ talk about your dream universe.

a universe where im energetic, not lazy, and motivated to continue on in life and make the world just a tad bit better. and i live with my friends in a nice house in san diego!!

💜 which acts of kindness are you going to do today?

,,, i really dont know, and thats why im disappointed in myself

🐬 if you could transform into any animal/magical creature, what would you be and why?

demon. theres so many types of demons i dont have to be malicious, plus i could blend in fairly well. theres no rly big downside except ill be frowned upon by other divines

🍄 talk about someone/something you really dislike

someone: you hurt my boyfriend you take away his fp you pretty much fuck him over and you proceed to have gross/abusive kinks shut the fuck up ugly i hate you so much and i never even talked to you i never want to see you mention his url or name ever again youre so awful

something: school fucking sucks and i can bring up a lot of reasons for this. 1: some of the teachers hired are only hired to educate, so personality wise they could be oppressive towards their students. 2: while i do feel like having a core lesson plan is okay, FORCING kids into certain core subjects is bad and they end up not learning because they feel like they HAVE to be their best or else theyll fail, and thats awful. the grading system isnt completely awful, since it shows kids areas that need to be improved, but making it some life changing thing is just...bad...because at that point it goes from “well you need to improve in these areas, so why dont we offer you help so theyll be easier!!” to “GET BETTER AT THIS OR BE FOREVER UNEMPLOYED” and i hate it. i could rant about this.

😣 talk about some things that have been making you depressed/angry/anxious lately

ive just been.....depressed bc of low swing my dude. a big issue would be my entire “i want to do good but i suck” thing, and yesterday i had a really bad dream as stated earlier and it made me extremely anxious for the entire day until i finally talked to my friend about it. theres also the fact i have school but theres no way i can finish it now

🍪 what did you want to be as a kid, and what do you want to be now?

vet, now im like...im unsure... i wanna get into architech/floor planning/house designing and also be sort of like a youtube/internet idol??? if that makes sense......idk

🍰 what are some of your favourite sugary foods?

ice cream is one of the only ones i can tolerate haha- i LOVE mochi ice cream but i cant get them fresh here since theres no east asian centric stores here (only southeast/hispanic fusion stores) so rip... ia lso like cheesecake a fair bit

🍑 what are you obsessed with?

kur/o kiryu. or e/nstars in general i guess

💘 what happens to you when you’re stressed?

my breathing gets a bit faster, my chest starts vaguely aching and i get nauseous

😪 what are you sick of?

THE COLD. ITS S O C O L D. PLEASE HELP.

🙀 are you an adrenaline seeker?

nope, not really. i do awful at horror games, im terrified of roller coasters, and the thought of jumping out of a plane makes me wanna decay

💥 what are some unpopular opinions that you have?

sh/u it/suki is Bad. the y/oi fandom is made up 80% of really bad fuj/oshi who later hopped onto an extremely controversial manhwa. hea/thens wasnt too bad of a song. i still like mi/necraft/happy tr/ee friends. i like rh/ythm games but dont like rh/ythm heaven. mc/a wasnt awful. ut/apri as an anime isnt too bad but definitely doesnt match up to the games quality in both art and story telling. id/olm@st/er is a tad bit over rated. ens/tars should be localized to ENG.

☔️ would you consider yourself a good person?

haha nope

😊 what do you like to do as hobbies?

draw/VERY rarely sew/read tarot, which is what im supposed to be doing anyways

🎤 what’s the last song you hummed or sang by yourself?

uhhh it was either te/mptation magic or love letter of the brilliance of cherry blossoms

🐝 what’s your worst trait? how are you planning to improve it?

how i cant cheer people up or help people be more positive. ir aelly dont know how i can improve it my dude, but im thinking.

🎨 what do you always doodle when you’re bored?

usually bunnies, but if im feelin crafty ill doodle an anime char

🐻 what’s stopping you from chasing your dreams?

age mostly

🌷 what’s your mbti personality and why do you think it suits you?

INTP, and idk its just there

🐶 send me 3 fictional people and I’ll choose my favourite!

“the battle: ra*bits” MMMMMMMMM nito. dgmw i love mits/uru and i loved how energetic he was + i liked mitsuru too but ni/to introduced me to ku/ro in my canon and he was very supporting of me/tried his best to help me

👑 who are your favourite celebrities and why?

i dont really have a CELEBRITY celebrity fave but itd def be t/homas sanders internet wise

🐴 opinion on __?

“holds up kiibo”

a good boi. i trust him

🍋 do you consider yourself an emotional person?

ehh its actually really hard for me to become emotionally unless im deeply attached to something sooo not really

📚 share 3 books that you love and your favourite quote from them.

ghost girl, maximum ride, and cr*zy

i dont remember any quotes from the first and last books BUT “WE’RE LIKE FREAKIN BALLERINAS AND YOU ARE LIKE A FRIDGE WITH WINGS” will always be my fave

😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? does it help?

listen to music, isolate myself justtt a tad bit, and try to distract myself. it helps to a certain extent, but it wont save my ass

😌 what thoughts keep you going when you’re sad?

k/uro ki

🌍 which country do you live in?

america

🐧 describe yourself in 3 words

a fucking asshole

🐵 which quotes changed you?

“you think youre ugly but youre just not your type” -some tumblr post i cant find atm

💭 do you keep a diary?

i keep a dream journal, but i stopped keeping diaries because im wayyy too paranoid someones gonna snoop

💫 who inspires you?

HMMMM chi/aki morisawa, tho/mas sanders, and j/acksepticeye

👻 do you believe in ghosts and why?

ye, theres no proof that they DONT exist (although you could argue theres also no evidence that they DO exist), PLUS i have had some experiences with ghosts! also itd be fuckin....awkward if id idnt considering i wanna get into s/pirit work

🎀 what’s your fashion sense like?

ko/toko ut/sugi is the only way i could describe it. kinda gothic-punk??? i used to be into yum/ekawaii and fa/iry kei but i ended up falling out of them.

🎬 what are some of your favourite films?

MMM ri/se of the gua/rdians was pretty good, zo/otopia was also good...the book of life was really good and i wanna watch it again now ahhh

🍦 what is one treasured childhood memory?

idonthaveonemymemorypastsixmonthsisgoneandmychildhoodwasfilledwithmebeinginsulted UHH one time in 6th grade i dated a dude and he gave me a teddybear/candy for valentines day and it was really nice, i felt bad since i didnt get him anything and i feel bad for not even breaking up with him to his face

🐱 what’s your dream pet like?

bunny. thats all

🐼 if you could meet anyone, who would it be?

KURO KI

#long post #VERY Long post #raai.txt #god damn it kennith #kokichinchin

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falconemuses · 5 years ago

Text

did i write yesterday? shit, i can’t remember if i wrote yesterday. honestly i want to get this thing done first thing in the morning but like normally people write diaries at the end of the day, right? because then you can write about how you feel about stuff that happened. i suppose if i wanted to write first thing in the morning i could do it so that each day’s posts are about the previous day, but then it’s entirely likely that my brain will do a memory reset during the night and/or wildass dreams are gonna make me forget what the fuck i was doing the day before. last night i had 3 dreams. 3!!! one day i might just end up like that poor fucker in junji ito’s long dream.

fuck. i still haven’t replied to my fyp prof’s email. idk what to tell him, man. so lil bit of context, that day when i straight up broke down in his office for no reason - or too many reasons, idk - we ended up having a very long chat, in which a lot of stuff was talked about, but relevant to this story is that i ended up telling him about all my insecurities and problems regarding irl socialisation, like, idk how to read people, idk what they want, they say one thing and they mean another and it’s so confusing and then they look at me like this girl does not fucking get it, and like, idk if it’s law school or it’s adulthood in general but it’s just - suddenly it feels like mind games have progressed to a whole other level. i know i’m slow on the uptake, there’s always an adjustment period whenever i enter a new stage in life where i have to figure out what the “vibe” of that stage is and respond accordingly. like in elementary it took me a while to figure out that everyone pretty much hated me because i did way better than them academically (i’m not even bragging here, it was a fucking shit school, anyone with half a working brain cell could do better) and so i adjusted and purposely got shit wrong on tests. i didn’t have any friends from elementary anyway but whatever, i hated them as well, so. then in high school i went to an “elite” school so now doing well was the thing and then it took me time to adjust back as well like okay, so now it’s socially acceptable to get good grades! but anyway, my point is - i know i’m slow on the uptake, but previously i’d always get it in the end, after a few months, a year or two, i’d have figured out the deal and adjusted accordingly. but i’ve graduated university and i still don’t know what the fuck is up?!?! i still don’t understand the “banter” or the weird fucking roundabout ways they say things, and then my responses get called out as being rude! like, how the fuck was i supposed to know that “hey, i see you in class” is supposed to mean “hi, would you like to be friends”?!?! like of course you see me in class, i attend class, and you’re not blind, so congratulations on having functioning eyeballs?! what the hell do you want me to say to that?!

anyway, point being, i suck at social shit, and i confessed all that to my fyp prof while i was busy blubbering in his office. (he’s also noticed my absolute lack of socialisation, and has called me out for talking more to the chickens on campus than actual human beings.) and then about a week or so ago, i got an email from him. “hi <my actual name>, one thought i had after our chat was that you could get help from a psychologist with your difficulties reading people.” summarised, not verbatim. well like, yes, sir, actually, i have tried that. i have borrowed shelves worth of “body language” books from libraries. crossed legs, withdrawal, anger, hostility. genuine smile, eyes will move. palms upwards, appealing, honesty, openness. i could recite the whole fucking list of traits for you. and when i recite those lists to the counsellor she’s like oh well, you have no problem clearly! no, there is a problem. i think i just haven’t been able to articulate it clearly until i thought about it for a bit more. the thing is, i know all of this shit in theory, but it’s not instinctive, it’s not fast enough for me to respond appropriately. it’s - it’s kinda like if you learnt a new language, and you know all the words in theory, but you still have to mentally translate it, it doesn’t hit you immediately what the word means. so like you’re okay if you see a stationary sign that says 鸡饭 and you can take all the time in the world to read it and mentally translate and be like oh yes, chicken rice, but then if you’re watching the news ticker that scrolls at the bottom of the screen and they’re like 美国总统特朗普被一只老鹰袭击，将国鸟改为火鸡, and then it just scrolls past the screen in like 30 seconds, and your brain just saw some squiggles that you recognise individually and you could have decoded it if you had enough time but no, the next news ticker is already coming up and someone turns around next to you and is like “wow, what do you think of that?” and you’re expected to respond and you’re just like oh. oh no. and then there’s the fact that when you learn a new language in a formal setting like through classes and books and shit, they always teach you the formal style, and don’t account for weird things like regional slang or whatever, so like if you just learnt english and heard someone being like “oi mate time to head to bed now, i’ll be up the apples and pears if y’need me”, you’d be like HARH?!?!?! you are going to be rolling on apples and pears?!?!?! what the fuck for!??!?!? that’s exactly what body language and just - general - non-verbal social cues are like to me. i know all of this shit in theory, but i’m just not fast enough, it’s not instinctive to me, plus i learnt it all out of books which don’t account for personal variations, like some people don’t use the “sarcasm voice” when being sarcastic, so how am i supposed to know that they were being sarcastic?!?!?! and the thing is, you can’t practice. it’s not like spoken languages where you can be like hey i’m learning chinese let’s just talk in chinese and it’s all quirky and hilarious when you make a mistake like ahahahaha oh your mother is a horse lmaooo. NO. if you make a mistake while practicing social reading THAT SHIT HAS CONSEQUENCES. people hate you and think you’re fucking rude or just taking the mickey outta them or something. and even if you tell them straight up like “hey, i’m trying to improve my social skils, i didn’t understand what that meant, was it sarcasm, irony, an inside joke, or something else i’m completely unaware of?” they just look at you like you’re WEIRD!!!! and - i know i’m weird but - jeez, i don’t want feel so outside all the time.

oh my god okay i talked for way longer than i expected, i think this more than makes up for yesterday’s lack of post, so haha, this post will do for two i suppose. time to savour the sleep, of which i shall not have much of once i start work in about a month’s time.

#personal #text #i'm not translating the long chinese sentence you can plug it into google translate youself #let that be an easter egg

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survivingjapan · 7 years ago

Text

EPISODE 5 “Can’t we just bring the crazy 15 year old in? Why is that so hard?” - Sarah

The internal struggle is real rn. Do I throw Alex under the bus and secure my safety? Or do I try to sit back and hope a new target emerges?

I don't know how many people know this, but I try to write a big piece of bullshit before every tribal to release if I'm the one voted out. Here's the one from tonight.... First of all I just want to say thank you to the hosts and to my fellow competitors. Now I'm going to expose some snakes. (Please don't hate me people, I just want to blow the game up while I'm leaving). -Linus, Alex, and Tommy are in an alliance -Jonathan HATES Richie and Alex -Jaiden has told me that he has an idol -Crow, Sarah, and Brian have an alliance -Of the 3 mentioned above, Crow and Sarah have a F2 -Tommy is by far playing the best strategic game -Junior is playing an extremely well social game -Brian is connected to the heroes on MANY levels and he'll flip to them at a tribe swap -Linus also has a good social game -Jaiden is messy as fuck

hi my name is im fucked how r u?

BIIIIIITCH I'M GOING FOR MY OTTNN5 EDGIC I'M NOT FUCKING AROUND RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!! (but hopefully i at least get a CPM) The vote was 4 votes Alex. 4 votes Kage. 1 vote ME. 1 vote tommy. 1 vote Jon. theres a tie, brian gets the rock drawn and my stupid ass was like wait my names not on the list and that alone should make me a hero for being an honest bitch but then redo and jaiden leaves and bam i ERUPT. in the main chat i'm like YO WHO VOTED WHO LETS GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT!!! Jon/Crow/Junior all say they voted for alex, Linus says he voted for Kage and I say i voted for kage so thats 5/11 votes accounted for and i cant believe anyone actually listened to me and revealed their vote in the tribal chat lmao WILD i was completely left out of this vote and everything thats been happening on this tribe so its clear im on the bottom and with my name being thrown around at this vote whether i was actually a possible target or a decoy that shit isnt okay im not in the long term plans for ANYONE on this tribe so i have nothing to lose worst case scenario i put a big target on my back and i go out next and if that happens at least i didnt go out as a useless pawn in anyones game and its because i did something but what im hoping is to gain information (which i did because i found out how everyone voted within an hour after tribal) and 2. i wanted chaos so everyones mad at someone like kage voting jon was a big win bc that furthered their fight thats been alive since day 1 after that i went on a bit of a pity tour where i went to everyone and like was like "i feel so alone and isolated and no one trusts me and i just feel like i havent done anything to prove that you shouldnt trust me i just want to be included" just trying to make people feel bad lmao im so worked up its been 2 hours since tribal and i literally havent stopped ive been at a 100 out of 10 with everyone and im going to need to cool down and lay low but while i have momentum i caaaaant just sit around and do nothing so i guess we'll see what consequences my outbursts have had????

idk how to explain what just happened

I've wrote myself a hit list of people who ARE going home before me.... Jonathan Richie Linus Alex Tommy Brian

So after a few hours of info gathering I think I have bits and pieces of what happened in that last vote.... So the alliance of 7 (Myself, Jonathan, Sarah, Tommy, Brian, Jaiden, & Junior) were supposed to vote for Alex. However, Jaiden, being bored with the game or feeling outcast at the bottom decides that this is merely a ploy to get us to throwaway our votes. Then, he approaches various people, which I know to be Brian, Linus, and Junior (at least) about the possibility of still voting Kage. Whether this was to insight chaos or division for entertainment or strategy, I don't know.... Meanwhile, Alex is feeling on the outs as he's a smart player and observed it so he threw a vote at Tommy. Whether this was because he knew it would force the vote to tie or simply because he didn't like Tommy and wanted to give him a parting gift, I also don't know.... Jonathan, Tommy, myself, and Sarah stuck to the plan to vote out Alex (however, Sarah doesn't want to expose her vote in public and cause a confrontation between her and Junior considering Junior lied about his vote too....) Kage voted Jonathan in the same regard that Alex did. (Again, I don't know if it was planned or not or if either had connections to Jaiden's plans, but they both threw away their votes despite them being clear targets.....sketch....) Which means that someone threw a vote at Richie and is not fessing up about it. Richie voted Kage because I'm sure that's what everyone told him to do (as we were supposed to) and he was just alone. The vote for Richie, in my opinion, was likely Jaiden, given his rep for paranoia and throwing votes away to avoid rocks/idol plays (ironic, huh?) and that Junior voted for Kage as a part of Jaiden's plan considering there's a strong possibility that him and Linus are connected.... So right now, I trust Tommy, Jonathan, Alex, Sarah (but I'm also a little worried as to why she doesn't want to tell the truth to everyone....) and honestly, still Brian because I can relate to his position.....I want to build trust with Richie but we're not there quite yet. My targets would be Kage and Junior as of now. Kage just....just needs to go and Junior is a massive rat with a few too many strings on this tribe. Either or, I don't care which one goes first.... Or I'm totally wrong and still aligning myself with rats =)

I got REALLY lucky yesterday, however I also lost my closest ally in the process. And I told him I would slay the rest of this game for him, so I must avenge Jaiden (who I will confessional-ize about all the time!). I had some major damage control and I just pushed over and over again that I voted Kage, the truth, so that people would trust me more. I hope they do still trust me, and I do think they realize that I'm still useful to most of them. I grew insanely close to Richie after that happened, and the two of us will most definitely be working together. Linus still trusts me, and I think Alex might still trust me to an extent. Kage and I are probably done which is fine. Junior is a snake or so I think. Tommy doesn't not trust me, he just probably won't trust me as much. But he did know about the Kage vote, so I didn't completely shock him. Sarah and Crow need me, I think. Jonathan needs me. I hope my thoughts on all this are right djskahsd.

OK LISTEN THE FUCK UP HUNTIES!! IM ABOUT TO SPILL ALL THE GOOD TEA AND HONESTLY I WOULD HAVE DONE IT ON A VIDEO BUT MY PHONE! IS A POS AND apparently i have too many videos already? ANYWAYS SO I HAVENT MADE A CONFESSIONAL AND WEVE GONE TO TRIBAL COUNCIL THREE TIMES VILLAINS ARE A MESS HONESTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so the first vote was between brian and pat and then i messaged brian and i was like heheh i wannt to keep u so crow and i went around talking to ppl to see how they felt (crow and i didnt plan this out btw i guess we both just wanted to keep him?) SO THEN PAT WENT HOME! on a 9-3-1 vote ash self voted kage(mess), tommy and pat voted brian and the rest of us voted pat so anyways then WE FUCKING LOSE AGAIN!?!? are these heroes on steroids? idk? anyways! we gotta go to tribal council again and at this point im kinda like ok i feel fine.....AND DO U WANNA KNOW WHY??? crow and brian and I have an alliance jaiden and jr and I have an alliance tommy felt bad about being in minority and not listening to me for the pat vote so we have pledged our f2 together and he is literally the light of my life...i cant tell if he feels the same but boy do i love this boy...hes my ned pt 2 anyways so jonathan decided that he wanted a majority alliance with crow, brian, me, him, jaiden, jr andDD TOMMY !!! LEGIT ALL THE PPL IM ALLIGNED WITH SO IM IN THE FUCKING MIDDLE AHHHH SCREAM SCREAM BITCH THE FUCK CREAM CHEESE SCREAM so that works out ...obv i dont like jaiden or jr bc they fucking suck anyways so we all vote together to vote out ashley ... and kage and richie and linus and alex are just there i heard there have been an alliance with alex, kage, linus and tommy -which tommy doesnt like btw i know jr and linus are a thing richie and alex are prob a thing everyone is connected and tbh i dont really care for any of these players except for tommy...and Id like to add crow to that list but we all know hes a mastermind so ...i aint a dumb bitch SO ANYWAYS NOW ONTO THE THIRD VOTE...WE HAVE MAJORITY AND WE DECIDE TO VOTE OUT ALEX well DOESNT THAT GO ASTRAY jaiden decided to vote out kage, brian voted with him so basically heres how the voting went (hopefully im correct) crow-alex jon-alex tommy-alex sarah-alex kage-jon richie-kage brian-kage jaiden-kage linus-kage jr-richie alex-tommy but everyone thot i voted out ....richie..and I KNOW IN THE BOTTOM OF MY FUCKING HEART THAT JR IS LYING!! AND HE WONT ADMIT IT and heres why i know hes lying and hes a snake a rama 1) he put ashleys name out there on the second vote-he got scared it was gonna come to bite him in the ass so he told ppl "hes hearing ashleys name" 2) he has a clear alliance with kage and has been trying to keep him this entire time when its obvious no one likes him !?!? 3) he told kage that ashley went around saying kages name LOL which is funny so now kage hated ashley and they both hated eachother and tbh idrc if jr wants to make stupid obvious moves like this to pit two idiotic players against one another but hey ! like ...as long as u aint trying ur shit with me then idfc about u bitch 4) he voted richie and hes lying...like fucking stop? so anyways BECAUSE JAIDEN AND JR ARE UGLY AF INSIDE AND OUT I NOW NEED TO AMEND TIES WITH FUCKING ALEX bc him and i had an agreement of f2 :c so i tell him i voted him and that i didnt want to lie and then he wants a majority alliance with me, crow, brian, linus and richie !!! which im down for like bitch im not gonna turn down an alliance!?! but i will tell tommy about this bc i like that alex and tommy both dont like eachother hehe but alex is def playing middle but ill just let him think hes being slick BUT ANYWAYS I WAS BORED AT 1 AM LAST NIGHT SO GUESS WHAT I DECIDED TO DO ... look for the idol... so it went a little something like this me: josh i know ur online LET ME SEARCH FOR IDOL josh: yes hello wanna search me: YES josh: ok! me: josh pls give me an idol pls josh *crickets* josh: Congratulations! You have found the Modoru idol. This is a special idol with special powers. This idol, when played, will restart the round to before the last immunity challenge, halting the tribal council, resulting in no elimination from the game. The immunity challenge will be reconducted, and the game will continue as normal. It is important to note that is idol must be played before the votes are read, at the same time as a normal idol. If any other idol is played in addition to this idol, it shall be returned to it’s owner. me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I HAVE A FUCKING FISH IDOL anyways ya so thats what u missed on glee

The Heroes showing up to slay the villains in the challenge honestly I dont know whats my more favorite thing, winning immunity or watching the villains descend into madness

We won immunity again out of luck..... woopdy freakin doo. I feel kinda bad for the heroes because the Villains are having all the FUN and I wanna be included in on the fun, but I do have to keep reminding myself that no matter how eager I am, it's good that I've been immune these few times because, eventually, if I make it there, I'll have to go to every single tribal council, and knowing how horrific I am under pressure when it comes to individual immunities, I probably won't win many of those. But one good thing did come out of this round, and it's the fact that Kendall painted a bigger target on her back if we were to go to tribal, and it's to get her the fuck out of here. I know she's a strong player, and taking this opportunity to take her out, without even cutting the legs off of her body (and by that I mean taking out Ruthie first, so she feels safe and then stabbing her in the throat), but since Kendall is making it so easy to just target her dumb ass, I guess that'll work too and maybe I can now look into using Ruthie as an asset in this game, especially since she's so nice, she seems really loyal and doesn't have many social skills going around according to what I'm hearing from the tribe. Maybe it's time to start building that final relationship in our tribe, so I can use it in case we swap tomorrow, which I'm highly speculating

I also think it's about that time where I start picking up those strong relationships with those Villains like I had night one, especially if we're swapping tomorrow. I want to keep conversations raw and not too deep. Like a "Good Luck at tribal" and see if it'll spark anything. I've been consistently talking to Tommy, Linus and Crow, but I also know Tommy has been having consistent conversations with members of our tribe, and honestly, there's a chance I might slip this information to Crow to see if he can take out Tommy, especially because he's a winner. OMG THIS CONFESSIONAL JUST GAVE ME A BRILLIANT IDEA. Let's see if I can low-key just plant the seed to get him the fuck out of here and see what's up :)

Drew and Alex C. hosting a main season TOGETHER during Japan? Mood. This is from after me winning the duel. Oops forgetting to submit it from last round

BY THE MOTHERFUCKING GRACE OF JESUS CHRIST I SOMEHOW GOT THE IDOL CLUE WITH AN 8% CHANCE OF IT POTENTIALLY GOING TO ME (ya know.... 1/12 #math). I know it's in the meadow based off of the clue, and lucky for me I already searched there once, so I've got a 1/3 shot of finding it........ AND I FUCK IT THE FUCK UP. Essentially I have two options here, either go to one of my closest allies (Steffen or Trace) to search for the idol as well in the space I told them to, and then they hopefully will it over to me, OR I just wait until next round and HOPE I'm still on Heroes beach (despite the high speculation of a swap), and just hope that I can search again to better my odds. I decided there's no time like the present, so I run to Steffen and Trace, but Steffen answers first, so lucky for Steffen, and I tell him the predicament, and he goes to look for the idol and nada. Now at this point, I just gotta wait it out because I think there's a decent chance we won't be swapping, and that would be incredible for my game because then I can actually go for it now and find out if it has been found or not. I'm getting the feeling that at the fifth round of this game, either someone got a secret idol clue during their search (which is very possible) or that someone got DUMB lucky. Either way, I'm keeping optimistic at this point and praying that shit goes my way. ~Cheers to not a swap~

Also, fucking Tommy keeps messaging me about swapping tribes and wanting to abandon ship with the villains because it's essentially him and Kage vs everyone else. I'm not really sure if this is true, especially because he has fucking won this game before, but I'm going to assume, based on what's been told to me, that it is actually Tommy and Kage vs the tribe, and I think it'll be an interesting tribal tonight, with it being likely that Kage goes home. On a totally different note, I decided to try to utilize my relationship with Crow on the villains tribe, and let him know that A LOT of Heroes have been getting messages from Tommy nonstop, and as much as I think he's nice, the second I found out about Tommy messaging ALL the heroes, and not just me, it made me realize that I don't really think I can trust him and that he's gotta go. I wonder if Crow is going to be taking my advice, or maybe cutting the legs off of Tommy, but Tommy can be a huge tool for me that I can use against the Villains if I end up on a swapped tribe that could fuck me over in numbers, but with Tommy, I've got a shot. As of now, I think Kage is going from what Tommy told me, which means that Tommy is likely next on the chopping block, and he's been talking to me A LOT about mutinying, but I'm not really sure he can do that, but if he can, and he chooses to, there probably won't be much stopping me from booting him out of our tribe almost immediately. We'll see how tonight goes because I'm HIGHLY skeptical about it, but I've got faith that we're not swapping because our tribe declared that Dom is competing in this duel for our tribe, and idk if the hosts are fucking with us or not, but if they are, then kudos to them because I don't know what to think at this point

youtube

https://youtu.be/6yiILcktIqo

#returnrevengeredemption #confessionals

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