#idk i finally feel like i have something that might help someone somewhere. if just like..... one or two people

[wordsgood]

this long post is originally posted on my writing blog, random pattern generator.

I don’t remember where, but I came across some article about how to write blog posts if you’re trying to grow your authorial platform. Of course you have to write about writing, but, according to the article, no one wants to read about what you’re writing. You have to write advice posts for the readers, instead.

I might have advice that people would want to hear if I already had a book or two published, or if I already had some kind of platform. But since I don’t have either of those things, what do I have to give anyone besides the kind of generic advice that thirty people have already written about in actual books about writing, and that 300 people have already blogged about for free? Characterization, in media res, save the cat, five tips to make your villain more formidable? I don’t have anything of substance to add to these conversations. I’m not a beginner by any means, but I haven’t achieved the kind of success that would make me qualified to advise anyone.

Except, maybe, in one area: the “does my writing really matter?” area. Not that I’m hugely successful there, either, but I’ve gotten over a pretty rough dry spell in the past few years. I thought I’d lost my calling for good, but here I am, a year or two later, keeping a spreadsheet of my various WIPs’ daily word counts. That’s a comeback story of sorts. That might count for something.

I don’t think it would be honest of me to comfort anyone, though.

The thing about having this question - “am I worthy of this craft that I love?” - leeching uncertainty, self-hatred, and lethargy into your atmosphere is that, in my experience, no one can answer it for you. It makes you think you need validation from other people. And, of course, it never hurts to have people in your corner; you may need other people’s words to keep you hydrated while you cross the desert. But no one can carry you across. There is no Sam Gamgee for this particular trek. It’s just you and whatever god you own.

You can receive the kindest, most well-meaning, supportive words, and there’s every chance in the world that they’ll dry up in your ears before they can ever reach your head. The Question has locked you up like a princess in a castle or Amontillado in the wall or Ariel in the pine and there might not be anything that can reach you until you erase the question mark for yourself.

I won’t pretend that’s easy. It took me a long time and a couple very hard conversations before I finally got out of the desert.

Right here is where the script dictates: But I broke through anyway. All it took was trying hard enough, long enough - I will not elucidate what ‘trying’ means; Just Do It - and now I’m free and happy and whenever I doubt myself now I just look back on how I beat The Question already and it doesn’t have any power over me anymore, and all you need to do is keep trying, too, like me.

This is where I’m supposed to say, It’s hard work, but it’s worth the effort.

Screw that. It wasn’t worth the effort. Nothing is worth how much and how long I let The Question hurt me and hold me down. I’m not far enough out of the desert to pretend like I’m fine now, that it doesn’t still hurt even when I’m finishing novels and getting my 1-5 kudos per week on AO3. Some part of me died in the desert and it’s not coming back.

So, no, I’m not going to tell you - should you be uncertain, desperate, hurting, empty, any or all of the above - that I think your pain is only temporary or that your struggle is worth it. If that’s what you need to hear, you can find other people who will be happy to pass on that message. If you need to hear that all you’ve got to do is just keep trying, just keep going, just keep hoping and believing, you’ve come to the wrong place. When I was in the desert, hearing that kind of encouragement was the opposite of encouraging. I was tired. I had already spent months or years trying, going, hoping. I’m sure, now, that the effort wasn’t made in vain, but hearing that I had to keep trying to get where I wanted to be - well, there’s an or else hidden at the end of that sentence. That was the encouragement of someone who’d already made it out of the desert and was floating by in a hot air balloon, having forgotten how it felt to have your feet in the sand and a sword over your head. Keep going, or else. I’m not a child, I wanted to tell them. I’m no writing noob. What do you think I’ve been doing but trying? What else have I been sobbing over my keyboard about?

Here’s the only thing that gave me an inch of peace: T.S. Eliot and the book of Leviticus.

T.S. Eliot may be obvious - I’ve already made at least a couple blog posts about how I basically live my creative life by Four Quartets - but Leviticus is a little newer. Not the whole of the book, but, specifically, the concept of the year of Jubilee, every fiftieth year, the year of release. And specifically the part of the year of Jubilee that deals with letting fields lay unsown. You let the land alone. You let it lie fallow. Don’t touch a spade or toss a seed. “It shall be holy to you”: a holy abandonment.

You can try for as long as you can hold out, but you may well reach a point at which it doesn’t matter. The tank is empty, the field is dry, the stone is out of blood. You have to stop trying or you’ll break something vital, like a bone or your faith in yourself.

You know what’s coming now:

I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love, For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting. Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing. Whisper of running streams, and winter lightning. The wild thyme unseen and the wild strawberry, The laughter in the garden, echoed ecstasy Not lost, but requiring, pointing to the agony Of death and birth.

Darkness and stillness will be the light and the dancing. Your neurons will flash again in the darkness and your thoughts will dance again in the stillness. The seed will grow when it’s buried like the dead.

That’s what got me across the line in the sand: the idea that I didn’t have to keep trying. I didn’t have to prove what I was or what I wanted. My God knew that already; in some deep place, so did I. None of that mattered, though, when I had given all I had to give. Some people may be, but I am not a bottomless well, and I’d drunk myself dry. I didn’t need to try harder or work longer; I needed to exist without effort, so that the well could refill. I needed to wait, not with hopelessness, but without hope. Even hope takes up precious energy that you need just to put one foot in front of the other.

I needed to spend months doing crafts with my hands, reading books and watching movies and shows and listening to music and looking at nature, not trying to write. I didn’t need platitudes about how everything would eventually work out, because that would be hope for the wrong thing. I needed rest. I needed to lie fallow.

That’s the thing about The Question. Am I worthy of this craft that I love? cannot and will not be answered definitively by other people. It can barely be answered by you. If you thought the answer was yes, you wouldn’t be asking. If the answer were no, you wouldn’t be doing your craft. (I’m talking about writing for myself, but I’m sure people have asked themselves The Question for every conceivable calling or career.) But if you’re asking The Question of yourself, you’re tired and scared and in pain, your faith is flagging, because you’re driving on close to empty. You’re asking because you want the answer to be yes but you don’t have it in you to believe it.

I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to believe it, or even try to. Your craft will outlive you; it will not cease to be when you let it go. For whatever it’s worth, you’ve got my permission not to be graceful about your fallowing; you don’t have to look starry-eyed to the future or speak of “this season of difficulty” or whatever the religious or self-care language might be this month. Forget your craft. Forget writing. Screw it. You shouldn’t feel obligated to enjoy this time, or make it Instagrammable or TikTokable. It sucks. End of sentence. It can feel like the ending of your life and I don’t believe in guilting people into feeling optimistic or positively about such things.

I’m not here to tell you that you’ll get everything back twice over, that you’ll look back on this time and laugh and be grateful, that you need to do or prepare for anything, that you’ll one day float back over the desert in a hot air balloon as a wiser, more enlightened individual. If you’re asking, Will I ever write again? or When does the creative urge come back? I’m not going to say, Oh, of course it will, just be patient, it’ll come back one day. Just keep going. I don’t know you, I don’t know your life or your future. Maybe it won’t. Maybe that chapter is closed for you. Weigh the possibility in your mind; what’s your reaction? Fear, relief, agony, all of the above? It doesn’t matter. Your emotions will most likely not be a good compass to follow. That, in some way, is the point: there’s no good compass at all. We all drive by the light of our grubby headlights.

What I do believe, even at my lowest point, for myself and for you, is that no love is ever wasted. If you’ve loved your craft, if you still do even in the desert, even in the stillness and the darkness, then it wasn’t and isn’t for no reason. Whether you find your way back to your craft or you move on to something else once you’re out of the desert, you’ll carry what you learned and how you loved either way, and there is always value in that.

I’m taking your face in my hands and repeating it until you believe it: love is never wasted. Neither is time in the desert. I’m not saying that you should try to find some amorphous beauty in a painful time, that if you aren’t grateful for it or productive through it then you aren’t suffering properly and thus don’t deserve what you want, but I am saying that the dry spells don’t disqualify you from your craft. They are, unfortunately, a part of the creative life. Will you ever write, paint, animate, carve again? Maybe, maybe not, I’m not going to make you empty promises. But a yellow light isn’t a stop sign, and the struggle may well be temporary. You won’t know until you do.

That’s my anti-advice for those who may be struggling with their art: it might be your fiftieth year. It may be time to stop trying so hard. It might be time to do a Yoga With Adriene or two and see if candle-making is for you. It might be time to write three thousand angry, bitter blog posts about how it feels like you’ve spent your life thus far on a hopeless dream. Drop your pen, your paintbrush, your needle, your sculpting tools, your power tools. Let your soul grow wild; let your well refill. Don’t tell yourself that the art will be back, don’t hope for the wrong thing, don’t let internet platitudes and toxic positivity convince you to spend energy you don’t have.

Breathe.

Sit.

Wait.

No matter the answer you find at the end of the desert, love will wait with you.

[stars-interlude]

biker bf scara w fem reader who goes all soft n submissive — after work hours of reader, he goes to pick her up n surprises her to a secluded area where he fucks her to da brim !!! public sex yippie!!

- 🪭

Biker boy!

A/N: added a little bit of spanking heh and i went for more of a book girl x bike boy vibe i hope that’s okay 😓

Working at your bookstore was always fun but it could be really tiring at times too. Something that always brightened your day was when your boyfriend Scaramouche visited you. It was a hot day and you were sitting on a stool behind the checkout station, with not only the AC being on but as well as a fan blowing on you. The bell of the door jingled and it was no other than your boyfriend “hey baby” he kissed your cheek before he started speaking again “how’s everything going?” he asks you the same thing almost every time he comes in “just the same old things,  but at least it’s friday so we can hangout later” he smiled at your words “well then i’ll come pick you up later then” Scara gave you one more quick peck on the lips before he left the store and rode away on his bike. As the hours passed and you stacked books on cases in your plaid brown pleated skirt and a short white t-shirt, you wondered where Scara would take you. When it was finally time for closing you walked out locking the door to see Scara waiting for you sitting on his bike. You walked over to him and got on grabbing onto his waist like you’d usually do when you ride with him “no hello woww” Scara complained “well you said we have to go somewhere so no time to waste” as you two rode you realized that the he was taking you to was a bar that you guys go often to on your friday nights. When you finally made it there instead of going through the door Scara takes your hand and he pulls you into an alley behind the bar instead “Where are we going?” you asked worried he pulled you close and whispered “cmon let’s have a little fun, let’s fuck right here behind the bar what do you think hm?” you could feel Scara’s breath on your neck “Really, Scaramouche here?” you glanced around to make sure no one was watching “Why not?” he wrapped his hands around your hips and pulled you closer so your bodies were right against each other and you could feel his cock straining against his cargo pants “Why? Cause someone might hear us” he laughed “not if you stay quiet we won’t get caught” he flipped you around so your hands were on the wall and he flipped up your skirt and quickly pulled down your panties “your dripping i thought you didn’t want to do this, naughty girl and i thought you were all innocent” he said this before he let a hard spank to your ass. You then let out a loud whimper “Scaraa pleasee”  he chuckled “what are you asking for so loudly use your words like a good girl”  he rubbed the spot he just smacked soothing the pain “fuck me.. please “ you confessed to him “There we go, good girl”  Scara pulled his cock out and placed it at your entrance before he trusted into you. He let out a low groan “fuckk so tight baby”  Scara picked up the pace of his thrusts and he started to rub your clit in quick circles. You let out a loud moan “you don’t them to hear us” with how fast he was going you could feel close to your climax “ngh Scaraa ‘m gonna cum” you squealed out not to long after you gushed all over your boyfriend’s cock “oh god [name] gonna fill this pussy up” a few more thrusts and he shot strings of white cum inside your pretty cunt “soo good for me, lets go back to my place and have some more fun. what do ya think?

A/N: YALL I DIDN’T KNOW THAT THIS WOULD BE SO LONG I WROTE THIS ON MY COMPUTER SO IT DIDN’T LOOK THAT LONG TILL I WENT ON MY PHONE HELP anywhoo i hope you (🪭 anonie) liked this idk even know what came over me ngl

[elleloquently]

the wretched and joyful [ 2 ] : ellie williams

ellie williams x female reader | eventual angst + slowburn

───⋆☆ But we don't have to talk about it, I can walk you home and practice method acting - I'll pretend being with you doesn't feel like drowning ��

───⋆☆ I'm trying to be cool about it, Feelin' like an absolute fool about it Wishin' you were kind enough to be cruel about it - Tellin' myself I can always do without it, Knowin' that it probably isn't true ♪

| a/n - part two!! tags are at the bottom, let me know if u wanna be added! if you enjoyed reading, please considering reblogging/leaving a comment <3 thank you! | c/w - swearing, vague depictions of anxiety.. reader is in love with her best friend idk what to tell you!!

nearly everything that belonged to you used to belong to someone else. that's just the way things were.

you tried to find the thought comforting, but it really felt haunting.

when you moved into your house in jackson, it was like a still life museum. you couldn't help but try to imagine who lived there first, before the world went to shit. you tried to imagine what their daily life was like. how scared they must've been when...

it made you feel like you were living in a haunted house, and you were scared of ghosts.

maria was kind enough to set you up with some things that she thought you would like, but it still felt like you were living somewhere that you didn't belong.

the house felt like it was full of ghosts, so you rearranged and redecorated until it finally felt like your own.

years later, after a lot of trading and sorting through items ellie might find on patrol, you were actually pretty proud of the space that you presented for yourself. adeline once joked that you seemed to have a taste for "the frills," but you didn't mind.

you liked girly things, things that you could keep in secret and feel pretty without worrying about whether or not you seemed tough enough.

ellie had her comics, and you had your own things too.

your guilty pleasure was old magazines, filled with toxic drama, interior design tips, and how to's for all of your accessorizing needs. the pages were cheap and worn but good enough. the silly quizzes were the best part.

you liked pretending. pretending to live in that world instead of this one, wishing you could've been a girl picking out nail polish to match her outfits and deciding which color scheme suited her best. it flooded your senses with longing and never failed to give you a pit in your stomach.

it was like some kind of morbid obsession, wishing for better than what you had.

you didn't really talk about it, especially with ellie. you already knew how she felt about that sort of thing. besides, it made you feel weak. she just knew that you liked silly magazines, and would bring you them without a second thought if she had ever managed to find one.

jesse was actually the first to help you build your little collection. dina had found one on patrol, and brought it back so you could all laugh at the ridiculous headlines. when everything was winding down and you sheepishly asked if you could keep it, jesse seemed to take note.

besides ellie, jesse was one of your closest friends. he was a little more understanding to the sensitive side of you, which you appreciated. you hated feeling like you had to defend every little thought or feeling, to prove you weren't weak.

you'd been spending more time together as of late, especially since his patrol schedule was pretty much opposite of dina's.

you hated when they fought, always over something small and immature and it left you feeling like a child stuck in the middle. any group hangouts were typically reserved for when dina and jesse were on - so according to the news you had received from ellie, things were looking up.

when a knock at your door earned your attention, you jumped to answer it right away. you already knew who you were expecting.

"morning," you grinned as you held the door open. "are you coming in or am i coming out?" you wore shoes just in case, standing in the doorway.

"you're coming out," jesse replied, wearing a light jacket that he would most likely shed later. summer would be here soon, and the change in weather was certainly improving the mood of everyone in jackson.

you nodded once and tugged a sweater over your arms, closing the door behind you as you stepped outside. you loved mornings like this, warm and peaceful. it felt full of promise.

"where to?" you questioned, allowing jesse to take the lead. he grinned when he replied.

"the stables. hope you're not wearing your best clothes."

you scowled but only as a joke. you weren't wearing your "best" anything but even if you were, it wouldn't have mattered.

"you know i never mind," you chirped, bumping jesse's arm. "how come?"

"we're training more people for patrol so we might need more help in the stables for a bit. think you're willing to give an extra hand when you aren't wrangling the children?" jesse asked, raising an eyebrow as the corners of his lips turned upward.

there was somewhat of a school in jackson, and during the week you helped out with the younger kids. there weren't many, but enough so that they were glad to have your help.

"i would love to help," you said honestly, and jesse's smile turned sly.

"i know that," he replied. "that's why i already signed you up."

you snorted, rolling your eyes at his confident response. "whatever. i would've helped regardless, anytime."

"i know," jesse repeated. "thanks, kid."

this made you roll your eyes again, scoffing. there was barely even an age difference.

"you sound like joel." you wrinkled your nose, tilting your head. "all of you patrol people have such a complex," you grumbled, trying your very best not to smile.

"yeah, yeah." jesse slung an arm over your shoulders, causing you to gasp at the audacity. "you love us."

"us?" you questioned, falling into step with him.

jesse couldn't contain the shit-eating grin that plastered itself onto his face. "us. me, dina... ellie."

you laughed once, loud and embarrassed.

"you're so full of it," you replied, stepping out from under his arm.

"what? what did i say?"

"you're not funny. besides, i'm actually very upset with you," you confessed, staring down at your shoes while you walked.

your shift in tone was enough to concern jesse, and he almost seemed bewildered as he questioned you.

"what? why? what did i do?" he slowed his pace, waiting for you to respond.

you waited just a moment to linger it over his head before grabbing his arm, shaking it while you bounced on your feet like an excited child.

"for not telling me that you have a girlfriend!" you gushed, causing jesse to roll his eyes and quickly walk away from you.

"what's her name? what does she look like? is she gonna meet your family?" you continued on as jesse swatted at you. "you know i had to find out from ellie?"

"you're ridiculous," jesse grumbled.

"and you're keeping things from me?" you were really playing it up, finding satisfaction in the way he shook his head.

"you know, you're not funny," jesse mocked.

you laughed, catching back up with him. "really though, is everything all good?"

a small smile slipped in the place of jesse's scowl. "all good," he confirmed softly.

jesse seemed content so you let that be enough, finishing your walk to the stables in peaceful silence.

you didn't need much instruction since you were already quite familiar with the tasks. instead, it was mostly jesse explaining which horses would be in and out and when. you carried on with some light maintenance, chatting through each chore. jesse didn't really need to stay and help, but you appreciated the conversation.

"so," you started, placing a bucket of supplies on the ground. "what're we doing tonight?"

"huh?" jesse huffed, looking uncharacteristically caught off guard.

"the four of us," you clarified, brushing your palms on your pants. "i figured since things were cool again that we could finally hang out," you explained, though your use of finally might've been a bit overdramatic. jesse and dina were broken up for about a week, which meant a week of splitting your time between the two of them.

though lately you've been seeing less of dina, maybe because of her and ellie having plans or similar schedules.

"oh!" jesse exclaimed, the sudden loudness catching you off guard. "right. well, you know," jesse stammered.

you raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to put together a coherent sentence that wasn't just him shrugging his shoulders and shaking his head.

"you know," he repeated, even though you obviously didn't. "dina and i just thought that maybe... it would just be the two of us tonight. to um," jesse coughed. "catch up?"

you nodded silently, eyes wide with embarrassment. "of course!" you choked out, desperately wanting to save jesse from any more you know's and awkward stammering.

"hey, maybe tomorrow night," jesse offered, awkwardly clapping you on the shoulder. "you'll still hang with ellie, right?"

you nodded again, kicking your shoe against the ground.

you hoped that ellie would want to see you again, even though you just slept over. the matter wouldn't usually even be a factor, but you felt different lately. a little weird, like you were bothering her too much or something.

"for sure," you muttered, tossing a rag into the bucket with a clang.

jesse was quick to catch your change in tone.

"did something happen?" he questioned, leaning against a stable door.

his question felt like an assumption and you found yourself growing insecure as if everyone had noticed that something was different too.

you wanted to confide in him, you should've confided in him, about how ellie could be so hot and cold and was it normal to get stomach aches whenever you were around her?

instead, you forced out a short laugh and shook your head.

"'course not. she'll probably just sleep after she gets back."

jesse studied you briefly before kicking his weight off of the door, brushing his hands together.

"right. well, dina will probably be back soon so i should..."

"go on," you grinned, waving him away.

"you wanna come with?" jesse offered, knowing ellie would be returning as well.

"i actually think i'll stick around here. for... a little bit," you responded shyly, but jesse already knew why. "go on," you encouraged. "go!"

you watched as jesse walked away, casual at first but his stride turned into a sprint when he turned the corner, assuming he was out of view.

you laughed to yourself, standing awkwardly in the now empty stable. ellie would show up soon enough, which was good. you wanted a chance to talk to her. you were starting to feel pretty weird about how often you slept in her bed while she left for patrol in the morning.

you waited around a bit, standing awkwardly in the middle of the stables until you started to feel stupid and instead made yourself look busy. you rearranged some cleaning supplies in the buckets, and even wiped stall doors that you had already cleaned, just to look busy.

of course, ellie didn't appear until you were seemingly making small talk with a horse in the stable.

"-like it better when the weather is warm, right?"

ellie snorted, the sound cutting through the otherwise silent atmosphere that was only filled by your own chattering and the occasional horse sigh.

"who are you talking to?" ellie questioned, her tone lazy and amused.

ellie already knew, of course, but the startled look on your face was priceless.

"how was patrol?" you asked awkwardly. ellie led shimmer into the stables as you spoke.

"uneventful," ellie answered simply.

"that's good, right?" you asked, coming up to pet shimmer as she was being placed into her stall.

"uh, yeah, i guess," ellie shrugged, her tone sounding distant.

you deflated, just a little. maybe she needed some space.

"i'm gonna... get going," you announced, a little quieter than you intended but you had found your footing by the end of the sentence. finally, ellie turned and looked at you.

"what? you've been hanging around but now all of a sudden i'm here, and you're leaving?" ellie questioned, her eyebrows pinching together.

"just don't wanna be in the way," you replied, not knowing if you should take a step closer or a step further away.

"please," ellie huffed. you weren't sure if it was kind or insulting.

please like you're always in the way and don't seem to mind, or please like you're never in the way?

you opened your mouth, almost to ask for clarification, but the thought alone made your cheeks burn.

"i'm serious," you said instead, but didn't make any effort actually leave.

“of course you are,” ellie said, rolling her eyes. you caught the hint of a smile on her face though, just before she turned her back to you.

silent minutes ticked by while ellie was busy, and it was only awkward because you truly couldn't decide if you should just leave or stay. after the hesitation it seemed quite obvious that you would stay, but the dilemma made your face grow hot anyway. when did you start overthinking your interactions with ellie so much??

you really didn't want things with ellie to start being complicated, everything else was already complicated enough.

who was at fault, anyway? or was it simply nothing other than growing restless as the days grew longer?

your thoughts did a better job of occupying you than you had expected, because ellie blinked at you, unmoving.

"are you coming or what?" she asked, with that same unreadable tone that she seemed to love using lately.

you blinked. then nodded.

is this how things were going to be now? is this how they always were, you were only just now noticing?

you almost physically shook your head at the thought.

"coming where?" you asked instead.

ellie shrugged, something like a smile twitching at her lips.

you couldn't tell if she was trying to force a smile, or hide a real one and what the fuck, when did you start having so much trouble reading her?

"we could see joel," you suggested, trying to sound more upbeat than you had felt. you were in such a good mood yesterday, where did it go?

ellie raised her eyebrows at you.

"it's been a long time since we all had dinner together, just the three of us," you said nonchalantly, not wanting it to sound like a hint.

"yeah, well," ellie muttered, her gaze dropping to the ground. "a bit early for dinner, don't you think?"

"that's not really the point, but okay," you dismissed.

"what is the point then?" ellie asked, her voice suddenly more loud and pointed compared to just a few seconds ago.

the immediate switch in her demeanor caused your eyebrows to pinch together. "i thought you were.. doing better?"

the look on ellie's face was all of the confirmation that you had needed. it was the kind of expression that made you feel guilty for even bringing it up.

"sorry. i just thought.. you know, the boots," you practically stammered, not wanting ellie to be annoyed with you.

"'just being nice," ellie replied tightly, to which you nodded solemnly in return.

"forget it then. sorry. i shouldn't have mentioned it," you spoke, wiping your palms on your pants.

the fight, or, whatever it was that happened between ellie and joel was possibly the biggest and only secret that ellie had ever kept from you, to your knowledge. she was so frustratingly vague about it, skating around answers and reasons as to why joel didn't seem like her joel anymore.

they were friendlier now, more so than right after it had happened, but still it felt strained. it had practically happened overnight, much to the confusion of nearly everyone around the two, and things were still not back to the way in which they used to be.

you missed the dinners.

truthfully, you still had dinner with joel occasionally. you weren't sure if ellie knew, but you had never mentioned it to her.

considering, ellie wasn't the only one keeping secrets.

"forget it," ellie repeated quietly. for a moment, she looked kind of awkward, like she was trying to think of something else to say.

it actually sort of made you feel better.

the silence that followed lingered, but not too long, making it possible to recover from.

"let's just get out of here," ellie mumbled, so quietly that you nearly missed it. she began walking without even glancing back at you, surely assuming that you would just follow.

and you did.

you almost tripped over your own feet when you realized how seamlessly you would follow her without another word. it was dangerous, nearly.

"we could go to tipsy?" you suggested lightly, trying to catch up to ellie so it didn't seem as though you were trailing after her.

at your suggestion, ellie snorted.

"what, tough day or something? it's the afternoon," ellie denied, and you were simply grateful that the lighthearted teasing tone had returned to her voice.

"maybe another time. jesse and dina could come, we could make it a thing."

ellie raised an eyebrow, peering sideways at you as your lazy steps fell into sync.

"a thing," ellie repeated softly, shaking her head with a soft chuckle.

"is something wrong with that?" you questioned, squinting your eyes as the bright sun invaded your sightline.

"huh? no. just cute the way you always try to like... i don't know, make an event out of things," ellie explained.

your cheeks warmed, but the guise of the heat helped it to go unnoticed.

cute.

you didn't want ellie's words to linger, so you scrambled fast.

"hey, i still need to debut my new skirt, right?" you managed.

"that you do," ellie sighed. "or you could just- i don't know, hear me out.. just, put it on?"

you frowned at her teasing, even though it made your heart swell with affection. "that's boring, ellie. don't you know me at all?"

"best of all, actually," ellie retorted. you opened your mouth to fire back a reply, but nothing came.

ellie was right usually, always, when it came to you. she knew you better than anyone. in the world that you lived in, it was practically the best gift that you could give to someone that you cared for. vulnerability, loyalty. the ability to trust and be trusted. being known and feeling seen was like a reward.

sure, jackson was your home. but you weren't sure how much it truly would feel like home if ellie wasn't there.

it was funny, sometimes you had forgotten that you hadn't actually known ellie your whole life.

sometimes, you pathetically wondered what things might've been like if you had known ellie forever.

a few years ago, when ellie was prone to more laughter, she would tell fabricated stories about your friendship if you had met before. you would never forget the look on her face the first time that you had confided in her about the mistreatment from the QZ crowd.

"i would've fucked 'em up," ellie said solemnly, causing you to laugh in disbelief.

"what? ellie, i was... thirteen. you would've been too."

"yeah, and? i would've fucked them up. and then..-"

she would continue until you were in a fit of giggles, wheezing through laughter.

neither of you had much of a childhood, but ellie had some lucky moments. your time together though, it almost felt healing. despite everything.

"i know," you said finally, falling short of thinking up a witty response.

"you don't need to make any stops today, do you?" ellie questioned suddenly.

an evident look of confusion crossed your face as you answered. "hm? you mean addie? no, why?"

"just wondering," ellie grumbled, and your lips twisted into a teasing smile.

"why do you get so weird about her?" you questioned, closing your fingers around her wrist to keep her walking pace in tune with your own.

"i don't get weird," ellie disagreed, her tone bordering on childish. "i just feel like she's always judging me or something."

"judging you?" you laughed, the sudden loudness cutting through the hazy, quiet afternoon of jackson. "ellie, adeline does not judge you."

"she looks at me funny," ellie complained, wrinkling her nose.

"she does not!" you released your hold on ellie's wrist, limply wacking her arm instead. ellie only reacted by rolling her eyes.

"besides, if she looks at you funny, she probably has a reason for it," you contemplated with a click of your tongue.

"what? what did i do?" ellie questioned, her cheeks turning red.

you laughed again, loud, causing ellie to reach over and shove your side. you only momentarily stumbled, the clumsy reaction not halting your laughter.

"whatever. see you later," ellie grumbled, making no effort to walk ahead of you.

"okay, see you later," you chirped, settling your giggles but the aftermath still made your cheeks sting. ellie glanced at you quickly, and you could tell that she was wondering if you were actually going to leave.

your hand accidentally brushed against ellie's and you moved to put some distance between your bodies, ignoring the way that it sent jolts through your body.

"are you gonna stay again?" ellie asked, her tone sounding a little too forced to be nonchalant, but the attempt was there.

"at yours? sure. i feel like i haven't slept in my own bed in ages," you responded.

"you don't have to come," ellie said simply.

"no, it's not a bad thing," you clarified. really, it wasn't.

"i could come to yours?" ellie asked, a look crossing her face that you couldn't quite depict, almost like she had remembered something. maybe she didn't want to risk a run in with joel, as your dinner comment had unsettled her.

"only if you want," you shrugged.

"just let me grab some stuff first," ellie told you, to which you silently obliged with a nod of your head.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

"you're... okay, you're doing it wrong." ellie's snappy tone caused you to huff.

"i'm doing exactly what you said."

"no, you're not listening."

"you're not explaining!"

ellie rolled her eyes, moving to sit closer to you on the floor.

"your fingers are supposed to stay down, right here," ellie delicately pressed your fingers into place as you hold her guitar. you have to swallow hard, willing yourself not to react to her touch.

"one finger per fret, like this," ellie explains, her voice softer as she regained her patience.

"you know i'm never gonna be good at this," you complained, letting your fingers go limp under ellie's pressure.

"then why do you keep saying that you want to learn?" ellie questioned, sitting back and dropping her hands to her lap.

"because i want to be good at it," you sighed. you stretched your arms, handing the guitar to ellie. "it wouldn't be the same anyway. i just like when you play for me."

ellie's cheeks go crimson. "shut up."

she strummed anyway, showing you how the song that you were 'attempting' to learn was supposed to sound.

you leaned your back against the side of your bed, the wooden floor beneath you providing little comfort. ellie explained chords as the dreamlike sounds filled your bedroom. you listened intently, more focused on the sound of ellie's voice than the actual information that it was providing.

you spend a lot of nights like this, being the only two people in the world, the moon being your only light until you fall asleep.

your curtains, dingy and laced, were drawn back purposefully for that very reason, you had admired the late sunset as the moon finally began to peek its way into the night sky.

the moon, the sound of ellie's voice, the feeling of your surroundings seeming slightly fuzzy from how tired you were.. you wished you could bottle up these moments and keep them forever.

in these moments, when you watched her, your feelings seemed clear as day. ellie's eyebrows furrowed in concentration, the way her fingers seemed to strum effortlessly on the guitar, the little strands of hair that kept escaping her bun and falling into her face.

surely you loved her. there was simply no other way around it.

when it was dark, you could think it over and over.

i think i love her. i really think i might love her. it would make your pulse quicken and your insides explode, but the thought was fathomable. for some reason though, during the day, it couldn't even be a question. you would deny it. you wouldn't even allow the thought to slip into your mind as long as you could help it.

you really, truly weren't sure why it made such a big difference.

"i love it," you murmured, referring to the song that ellie was playing.

"i remember," ellie replied, feeling the need to whisper though she wasn't exactly sure why. "it's why i learned it, anyway."

ellie said it so simply, so casually, that you wouldn't have given it a second thought until you noticed the way that she refused to meet your gaze, even after she stopped playing.

"maybe i will be good at it one day," you hummed.

"maybe," ellie snorted. "if you ever get any patience."

"says you," you replied with a frown. "i'm super patient," you argued, but you had a hard time believing your own words. not that you were determined to change ellie's mind, anyway. your thoughts were elsewhere.

"maybe," ellie mumbled suddenly, catching you slightly off guard. you slip off into your own thoughts entirely too easily. "if you're always with those kids. i couldn't fucking stand it."

"i guess that's true. it just feels.. different? i don't know." your slight laugh turns into a yawn as you shake your head. "jesse told me you guys are trying to put more people on patrol?"

ellie nodded, rolling her eyes. "yeah. 'been a pain in the ass, that's for sure."

"that bad, huh?" you questioned, toying with the hem of your cardigan that you had thrown over your pajamas.

"i'm just.. i don't like the teaching stuff. i just want to get it done, you know?"

you nodded, and wondered if that's why ellie has seemed more exhausted than usual. "i get it. you can't blame maria for pairing people with you, though."

"i wish she wouldn't."

"yeah, but ellie, you're one of the best. you know that."

ellie shook her head, causing more strands of hair to frame her face. you could've laughed at her dedication to leaving the few strands still pulled back in a bun, instead of just taking it out entirely.

"maybe i should sign up," you said, partly joking. "finally give patrol a real try.

"no," ellie responded firmly, a little too quickly. you had only been kidding, you knew you would be no good, but regardless her reaction was a little much.

"why not?"

"because you can't.. you're not.. it's just, not your thing, alright?" ellie huffed.

you crossed your arms and wanted to be offended but ellie was right. you were no good for it. still, you rolled your eyes and refused to make eye contact until your name slipped from ellie's lips like an apology.

"just forget it, alright?" ellie pleaded, her voice regaining its softness.

you looked at her, the lighting was dim but your eyes were adjusted to the dark that had fallen over the room. she felt the most familiar like this, like your ellie.

ellie was softer in the moonlight. maybe she felt more like herself in it, too. the way she looked now - messy hair, pink cheeks, almost gave you a dreamlike feeling as if you could spill your guts to her and everything would be fine.

"alright," you murmured, allowing your eyes to lock with ellie's green ones. the darkness was safe, you wouldn't shy under her gaze. you were brave. "i was only kidding anyway. and i know that you only said no because you know that i would be the best at patrol and steal your crown."

"okay, you need to go to sleep," ellie replied simply. she stood from the floor, stretching and fidgeting with her hoodie.

"you hate when i have fun," you mumbled bitterly as ellie crossed to your window, closing the curtains. they didn't provide much coverage, but the room was suddenly consumed with less light than before.

"you hate when i'm right." ellie reached her hand down to you, and you allowed yourself to be pulled up from the floor. ellie pulled back the bedding as you discarded your cardigan onto the floor.

there was a couch in the living room. plenty of blankets and pillows for a comfortable enough spot on the floor. sharing the bed was never a discussion, you just did. you never really considered otherwise. it didn't really seem like ellie ever did either. if she did, she didn't show it.

you tried to swallow your feelings as you slid into bed next to ellie, wondering if it was normal to always share a bed like this. wondering if it was normal to always overthink it.

"if i threw my sweater on the ground like that, you would be pissed at me," ellie remarked. you could hear the smile in her tone.

you couldn't help but roll your eyes at her exaggeration, and you hoped that she could see it. "bullshit, i would not."

despite your tone, you wanted nothing more than to reach out and swipe away the strands of hair covering ellie's face.

you honestly could have. you knew ellie wouldn't have minded, not in the privacy of your dim room. you would have, but it felt wrong if your feelings weren't purely platonic. you couldn't live in denial forever, at least not when it came to your feelings for ellie.

"liar," ellie mumbled, leaning on her arm. the proximity was daunting.

you couldn't do anything but shake your head. you certainly liked to keep a tidy space, not much like ellie, but you didn't mind her stuff around your room one bit.

"huh, that's what i thought," ellie said with a satisfied huff, as if your silence could be taken as agreement.

your brows furrowed instantly. surely she could read your expression.

"quit it," you sighed. "you're making things up. and being difficult," you added.

ellie shook her head, the remnants of her bun bobbing around the back of her neck.

"don't know what to tell you babe," she replied, the sarcasm in her voice prompting an eye roll from you.

"shut up and go to sleep," you complained, picking up your pillow and tossing it over her face.

"ow, what the hell?" ellie whined. she was genuinely making a fuss and you laughed plainly at her. maybe she really hadn't changed that much over the years. at least not when it was just the two of you.

"don't say ow. pillows don't hurt," you said simply. your lack of concern made ellie's jaw drop as she leaned forward and twisted to the side, looking over you as you rested your back against the soft mattress.

ellie was practically looming over you. you stifled a nervous giggle but didn't bother tearing your eyes away from ellie's.

she stared at you for a moment, any hint of a joke on her face quickly leaving. ellie looked like she was going to say something at first, but maybe she had forgotten or changed her mind because she only remained silent as if she were studying you.

the steadiness of her gaze began to make you uncomfortable as nerves swirled around your stomach. ellie's eyes flickered over your face, and you would've done anything to read her mind. was she actually annoyed or was it something else? ellie's lips parted slightly and your breath hitched, guilty once again for the thoughts clouding your mind.

you sat up to break the tension, say a stupid joke maybe, but you moved too quickly and your face was too close to ellie's now. before you had a moment to feel embarrassed, ellie pressed a palm to your chest and promptly shoved you back down. you fell back against the bed with a huff.

the moment of whatever it was was quickly erased as ellie tore her gaze away from you and settled back into her spot.

you didn't speak again and neither did ellie. she simply handed you your pillow and turned on her side, putting her back to you. you remained still for too long, trying desperately to settle your breathing.

you held a heavy hand over your chest, pressing down firmly as you attempted to set your mind straight.

thoughts of just friends, don't fuck up- plagued your mind for only what you could've assumed to be hours on end.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

you left ellie alone in your bed that morning.

you tried not to wonder how it would make her feel as you pulled on your cardigan from the floor and tip toed out of the room.

she must've been exhausted.

the mornings were still cold before the sunshine had a chance to warm up the earth around you, so you walked quickly through the quiet streets of jackson.

there were some people, of course, out and about, but not quite as often as usual considering it was the weekend.

you were lucky.

you were lucky to know ellie and lucky to have ellie. that could be enough. you never wanted to lose her, so you could never do anything that would cause you to lose her. you were lucky, and you would be happy to swallow your feelings and keep a secret as long as it resulted in your friendship always remaining.

your hands balled into fists at your sides, mentally pushing away any stray, worrying thoughts.

"where are you goin' all dressed up this morning?"

you halted at the familiar voice, your cheeks sheepishly growing warm at the teasing. regardless, your smile was genuine.

"to dina's, i think," you replied, turning to meet tommy. you looked down at your pajama pants and top, realizing the cardigan didn't disguise it as much as you had hoped.

tommy had been the first person to ever give you a break. even though you were already a teenager when they brought you into jackson, tommy and joel practically raised you up more than anybody else ever had. with adeline hollis included, they were the closest thing to family you ever had.

"everything alright?" he questioned, frown lines deepening.

"of course, why?" you responded, squinting curiously at the older man.

"oh, nothin'. just, ellie isn't with you is all."

you swallowed hard, swatting at the air to distract from the fact that your smile had tightened. "she's sleeping!" then, for good measure, you changed the subject. "are you getting back from patrol?"

"yes ma'am," tommy replied in a way that drew a laugh out of you.

"you better go get some sleep too then," you warned, and he waved you away.

"go on, get outta here," tommy gruffed, sending you on your way.

your steps were more hurried now and you bounced nervously on your feet when you reached dina's front door.

you figured it was your best bet.

you knocked three times, and you only had to wait a few moments before the door creaked open an inch.

"hey honey, what's the matter?" dina inquired, eyebrows rising in concern as she looked at you.

you noticeably deflated. "what? why does everybody keep asking me that?" you laughed, and it sounded a little too forced. "i'm fine!"

dina scanned your features but visibly relaxed at your words, opening the door wider. "what's up then?"

"i was wondering if- hi jesse," you cut yourself off as his figure appeared in the doorway.

"is everything okay?" he asked, placing a gentle hand on dina's shoulder.

you groaned, causing a look of bewilderment to cross jesse's face.

"she's fine," dina murmured, offering you a small smile.

"i just wanted to ask if you guys wanted to go to the tipsy bison. with me. and ellie, probably." you offered, clasping your hands together in front of you.

"it's pretty early, i don't think seth would even- ow!"

dina cut jesse off with a jab. "when?" she asked, which pleased you very much.

"meet at sunset?" you suggested hopefully, eyes darting between the couple.

you were thrilled when they agreed. of course, they had said, and you left them to enjoy their morning.

on your walk back to your house, you forced yourself to breathe steady. ellie would probably be awake, and that was fine. you were friends, and that was fine. lucky. the best gift you could ask for.

you plastered a smile on your face, swallowing down every negative feeling and emotion.

you were in a good mood. you had to be.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

tags :

@dinoastronaut @skylerwhitwyo @muthafuckingstargirl @minustwofingers @mirrorballels @macaroni676

[i-think-i-have-too-many-fandoms]

Epiphany

Summary: Mansion Baron Park Seonghwa was tired of living in a dusty mansion so he decided to finally hire some help. On your first day working for him you noticed something strange about the man, but you can't ask him because he is almost always gone during the day till your done with your shift.

(A/n: Watched the Halloween performance video for 'A Black Cat Nero' and it HEAVILY inspired this. there also might be a little bit werewolf!straykids mentioned if i continue this but idk yet- its a bit of a clusterfuck bc as i was writing i just kept getting more ideas 🙄)

⚠️Warnings⚠️: he word 'smirk' probably written too much,

Pairings: Seonghwa x fem!reader, and a little bit of Hongjoong x fem!reader(?)

Seonghwa hated dust. It was one of his biggest pet peeves, and lately, he hasn't been able to keep up with the amount in his large home. So while he was at the store one night and he heard you talking to the cashier about how you were laid off from the last family you cleaned for, he innocently followed you out of the store to ask if he could give you a job. You needed the money and you were looking but you couldn't help but think something was off with him, but hesitantly you said yes. He gave you his number and address and wrote down a date and time for you to come by.

His home was rather on the outskirts of the city you lived in thus you couldn't take your usual form of transportation (the bus) the entire way there. You took it as far as possible and then rode your bike the rest of the way. When you arrived you had a feeling his house would be big but you didn't think it would be this big, it was a solid three stories and most definitely there was another below. You decide to put your bike somewhere it wouldn't be quite as visible. You were somewhat out of breath so you took a moment to catch up with your lungs before you knocked on the door. But before you could the door abruptly opened with Seonghwa holding it open.

"Welcome, Y/n, I hope you found your way here safely." He spoke softly towards you with a faint smile on his lips. "I noticed you didn't drive up? Did you leave your vehicle at the gate?" He peered at you waiting for you to answer as if he was trying to read you in some way.

You didn't particularly want to tell the beautiful man before you that you're poor but lying could only lead to more problems down the road. "Ah, no actually, I usually take the bus but i couldn't take it all the way here so I biked part of the way."

He scowled lightly seemingly disapprovingly before training his face back to before. "I see. Well then, if you will follow me I will show what you will be doing for me." He turned around heading inside and walking slow enough as though to make you you're able to follow behind him.

When he had finished the tour of the upstairs, and main floor and showing you what you would be doing you noticed a door and you mustered up the courage to ask Seonghwa about it and his only response was "You needn't worry about it, that area is for me to clean." And you probably wouldn't have as much curiosity as you do if it weren't for the eerie smile he gave while saying it to you but you can manage to hold in your piqued interest. He swiftly changed the topic of conversation by asking if you would like to start working that day for a limited amount of time and you didn't have anything else going on for the rest of the day so you said yes. He reminded you where the cleaning supplies were and led you to where he wanted you to start and once you did he walked away.

When you finished cleaning and it reached the designated time you agreed to work until (six thirty), you walk through the house (mansion) to try and find Seonghwa. As you rounded a corner you nearly bumped into someone and lost your footing trying to keep that from happening. Mentally preparing yourself to fall you almost don't notice the firm grasp on your waist.

"I am so sorry, Mr. P- You aren't Seonghwa?" You study the new handsome face belonging to the hand on your side. "I'm Y/n, nice to meet you and sorry for nearly knocking you over. Do you happen to know where Mr. Park is?" You step away and hold out your hand for him to shake as you introduce yourself.

The man in front of you now glances at your hand before taking it in his own and proceeding to lean down and kiss the back of it. Your face flushes almost instantaneously as he stands straight again while he smirks at you. "I am Hongjoong. It is a pleasure to meet you. And Seonghwa is just down the hall in his study. Are you working here permanently?" While he speaks that smug smile never leaves his face despite his eyebrow raising in question.

"Yes, I will be working here permanently, today was my first half of a day. And thank you for telling me where Mr. Park is, Have a nice rest of your evening." You smile at Hongjoong as you pass him to go to Seonghwa's office.

When you get to the door you knock and here a faint 'come in'. As you push open the door Seonghwa starts speaking, "Hongjoong I thought i told you i was done with the conversation and asked you to leave me be for a- ah, Y/n, I'm sorry i thought it was someone else. Is it time for you to leave already? Time must have gotten away from me. Let me get you your check and walk you out." When he noticed it was you a kind smile grew on his face and he began standing.

As your making your way home you can't help but feel uneasy. A feeling of being watched looming over you. You're waiting at the bus stop when a black car pulls up. You avert your gaze as the window rolls down, a man inside the car calls out to you in a voice you recognize. "Y/n, do you need a ride? Seonghwa told me you take the bus and i couldn't in good conscience let a woman go home by herself. It's dangerous out here at night." It's Hongjoong, just as your about to turn him down you hear a very strange noise in the woods and quickly move to get into his front seat. He smirks at you, "Eager to go home with me?" You open your mouth to correct him but realize he was being sarcastic. You close your mouth and tell him your address... You can pick up your bike tomorrow...

The ride to your apartment was quiet, not even the radio. And even though your in the bustling city now you still feel like your being watched. Hongjoong parks on the curb and you get out and close the door before he could say anything (if he was going to say anything). Once you've finally gotten into your apartment you start your nightly routine and can't help but think about your mysterious new employer and his possibly even more mysterious friend. They were fascinating men and you couldn't get them off your mind.

~~~~~

should i continue this?

[echoes-of-mia]

okay this is a long ramble and kinda personal, so bear with me, but i want to talk about being aspec in the joker out fandom bc I'm full of emotions and i need to share them somewhere

(just a short warning for internalised aphobia before i go on)

for context, i identify as aspec, more specifically asexual and some flavour of aromantic. I've known about the ace part for about 3-4 years now, the aro part is more recent and I'd say that before, lets say, a couple of months ago, I'd always seen that as something negative, something that makes me miserable, a deficit that will always be there and that others will never understand

and then i joined the (tumblr) joker out fandom around... june of last year, probably? and at first i thought "theres no way there are many queer people in this fandom, its essentially a boyband, and other aspec people? no way"

well, oh boy was i wrong

because not only is this fandom, like what, 90% queer? (i know someone made a poll at some point but i dont remember the percentages) but it's also around 50% aspec. and there's just this general positivity and support surrounding the a-spectrum in the fandom. like, some days ago there was an aphobic comment somewhere and before i even saw it my dash was FLOODED with people defending aspec people and i was just sitting in the kitchen reading through the posts and crying.

and yes, this is tumblr, i could have seen this coming and it's probably different on other platforms, but so many aspec people in one place, in one fandom, is still something that I've never experienced before.

so why are so many aspec people drawn to a slovenian indie/shagadelic rock band that, at first glance, is just 5 very good-looking probably-straight guys making music? that doesnt really make sense, right?

and then you see how much more they are. how they interact with each other. how comfortable they are in their sexualities, in their masculinity, in being themselves. you see a group of friends that love each other so unashamedly it's a bit unbearable to watch sometimes. you don't see them holding back because "thats not their partner!" or "that's reserved for romantic relationships!", you just see love. you see them supporting each other, being physically affectionate, looking out for each other, laughing together, even living together. vse kar vem could easily be a romantic song, but it's about their friendship!!

and what is all of that, if not THE dream of many aspec people? to be okay with not feeling sexual or romantic attraction because you have your group of friends that you love the same amount as allosexual/-romantic people love their partner(s) and to show it, and to know that they love you the same (and won't replace you with romantic partners) because they also show it, without thinking twice about it, without thinking about how others might interpret your relationship because it just doesn't matter as long as you love each other.

so of course aspec people see themselves in joker out. we see hope for ourselves in them, we are probably a little (or in my case very) jealous of their friendship, we want what they have or we just love to finally see real people live with the sort of affection we would like to have. (just to clarify, this is based mostly on what i feel, so other aspecs might feel completely different about this, idk why I'm trying to generalise this)

and this is about all five of them, but to take jan and nace as an obvious example: they love each other so much that the fans start to speculate, and they know about it. but instead of hiding their affection, they just keep on doing what they're doing. because they know how they feel for each other, and it's no one else's business, and they won't be stopping their love just because of "conspiracy theories". and to me it doesn't matter how they love each other (platonic, romantic, whatever), it matters that they do and that you can't help but notice it, because they show it in every interaction we see of them. the damon baker photoshoot just confirmed that, they look at each other and the amount of love makes me cry, it's so incredibly beautiful.

(just some other things i want to mention: them probably cooking mostly potatoes because nace is glutenfree. nace calming down bojan after his panic attack in summer. jan and bojan casually kissing on the lips during a concert. the jure and bojan getting married photoshoot. bojan touching kris's hair during concerts. kris being carried around during a photoshooting. jure and jan drawing a heart together. them gathering around jure's drumset during concerts. i could go on but for my sanity and yours i won't, there are so many moments that just make me soft)

I'd love to be more physically affectionate with my friends, but every time there's this voice in the back of my head saying what society has conditioned it to say, which is that that kind of affection is reserved for romantic relationships, and this voice stops me every time. i feel like bojan, jan, jure, kris and nace either don't have that voice (anymore?) or they've just managed to ignore it, they don't hold back and i admire that as much as i wish i could be like that.

and while i still have a long way to go until i can be affectionate with my friends without worrying about it or holding myself back, joker out have shown me that it's possible, because of them i finally have days on which i think that i can be aspec and actually happy about it. being aspec finally feels as freeing as it should feel and I'm just grateful

joker out has allowed so much queer joy into my life without intending to and although i don't think anyone i know irl will ever understand this, i hope that some of you can relate to this in some way.

I've said this a lot during the past two weeks but i can never say it enough: all the love to my fellow aspecs, and also to all the non-aspec people who support us <3

feel free to add to this if you want to; my dms are always open if you want to talk about it without posting about it, i love hearing other people's thoughts about stuff like this ^^

[bibibbon]

MHA chapter 425

Iam not really sure how to feel about this chapter. Well I can definitely say that I still think that the entirety of the second war arc especially the last few chapters weren't my favourite and ruined the series for me but we have the power of rewrites on our side so not to worry

So we finally have a 1A member that left. It's surprising that it took a total of 425 chapters for someone to finally leave the hero course. This low-key makes me question if 1A just all has neglectful parents that don't care about them because I think any sane parent would of took their kids out of UA a long time ago and the first war arc should of been a wake up call. Now that yuuga has left it does make me wonder what he will do. I mean he has to continue his education somewhere 🤷‍♀️

Shinsou joins class 1A and Iam surprised his parents let him. I get that shinsou was due to join the hero course in their second year but like this series sometimes make me question if any of these characters have sane parents because why would you let your kid join in such a dangerous job?!?! Also I respectfully think that shinsou is heavily underdeveloped and didn't get any moment to shine in the war arc. Also there isn't much of a relationship between 1A and shinsou so it does feel a bit off I guess and maybe this is just me but I always thought that he fit in better with 1b

Pacing is hella fast! How are they going back to school already and throwing a graduation ceremony. It hasn't been a week and somehow everything is rebuilt like that, we get little to no information from what they plan to do in the future. We do get a tiny speech but we don't get them starting to do such things and personally I would of at least enjoyed a panel seeing some heroes help rebuild and clean the damage caused. Plus I think everyone can tell that the MHA society is flawed so saying that they want to go back to their old ways seems very iffy to me. I also would of liked an acknowledgement in what actually happen in the war arc but considering that not many people died they weren't gonna do any type of memorial thing or anything.

Is that shigaraki?!?! Or kurogiri?!?!?!? Who is it!!! Iam totally unsure of who it is but I don't think it would make sense if it was shigaraki because he literally died unless hori is actually going along with the plan of separating Tenko and shigaraki and thats not shigaraki but the innocent and crying Tenko type of bs (I absolutely hate this idea tbh) also what happend for tenko to come back as a child I suppose? Or is this someone completely new who has been effected by society and we're supposed to be like well evil is still brewing as society hasn't changed type thing? Maybe it's kurogiri idk I just want to see kurogiri again.

Enji is in a wheelchair (don't really care for him). This makes me question if endy is even a hero anymore and if he ain't who is the number one then? ( I still think they're going by that system because they said they wanna go back to the old ways)

Wait are we gonna see Dabi next chapter!!!!. Enji is facing somewhere with a ton of wires and all so maybe it could be where Dabi is being held at? I mean we don't know if Dabi is dead and we didn't get todoroki talking about it at all

I need Izuku's old hair back!! I miss the fluffy hair and I get that the convo was supposed to be lighthearted and all but I would of enjoyed the pages being used for something else like them actually checking up on eachother. Is tokoyami quirkless? How did they spend their time? Questions like that would of sufficed but I hated Izuku's hair at least he has some people telling him it's cool even if they might be lying

This chapter didn't give us much clarification on much to be honest. Yeah I was expecting this chapter to have huge focus on other villains and characters yet it didn't. I know I have to be patient blah blah but the last two panels of 424 did give us ochako and Todoroki but we got the least focus on them this chapter. I was hoping the villain situations might start to get addressed but I guess that will be next chapter with maybe Tenko making a comeback?

Also I love how we got Toruu's quirk glitching but no one acknowledges it or helps her with it (sarcasm if you couldn't realise)

I also hate whatever convo that was between Izuku and ochako, it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth for some unknown reason

Why the hell is a third year In charge of something a teacher should be!!?!?!! Poor fuwa UA corruption and hypocrisy goes deep.

How are children still joining ua?!?! Like yep society moves on like nothing happend even though Japan was turned upside down in chaos

In conclusion, it was ok I didn't expect it to be amazing because it was a chapter that was gonna expand on stuff I didn't like 🤷‍♀️.

[redfoxwritesstuff]

Another Day in Paradise, Chapter 4

Pairing: Eventually Alastor x OFC, later- light Alastor x ofc x Lucifer Rated: E for eventual smut Content warnings (Series): It's Hazbin Hotel- this feels redundant. Sex, eventual smut, referenced implied suicide to be discussed in more detail later, drugs, drinking, poor coping, toxic behavior, controlling behavior, cannibalism, idk, it's fucking Hazbin Hotel, if it's worth a content warning it's probably going to come up at some point? Religious trauma. reader has a name/is a oc.

Content warning- Chapter: None

AN: Eventually maybe someone will read this shit. Still riding the new fandom crack train.

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3

~~~~~<3

Amber hid in her room the rest of the morning and had herself a good cry. It was something that was becoming more common as she felt safer. Eventually, a knock brought her out of her wallowing though she couldn’t say how long she had cried for.

Charlie was at the door, a plate with a sandwich and some chips was placed on a try as well as a glass that looked to contain juice. It was so perfectly wholesome and out of place in hell.

“I thought you might be hungry.” She said as Amber stepped aside to let the her into the room. 

“Thank you, you didn’t have to.” Amber said rather than admit that yes, she was starved. It was near lunch time and she had ran back to her room with her tail quite literally between her legs before having anything for breakfast. 

“I wanted to thank you,” Charlie said, setting the tray down on the end table by the bed before sitting down next to where Amber sat. 

“I didn’t do anything.” Amber couldn’t meet the girl’s wide and ever eager eyes and instead picked at the chips. Princess or golden retriever hotel owner, the woman was simply too good either way. 

“But you did,” Charlie insisted, “You took a risk. You gave it an honest try. You shared something so important to you. You could have taken the easy way out like they did but you didn’t. That means something and I am so, so proud of you for it.” 

That surprised Amber. Charlie knew. She knew they were half-assing their activities. She knew. But she cared, encouraged and loved them anyway. How could a being like Charlie have been raised in hell?

“Does it bother you,” Amber asked, “That you’ve only lived in hell?” 

“I mean, I’m curious about things top side, sure. But this is my home and I’ve had such a great life here. I mean, I know I’ve been privileged. There’s so much more to hell than just what you have access to here. But even this ring of hell can be pretty great. You can have a life here too, you know? A good one.” 

“I guess.” Amber shrugged.

“You’re already doing so good!” Amber smiled at Charlie’s encouragement. “You found somewhere safe, you’re making friends and t’s nice to see you not being so scared. I want you to feel safe here, I want you to have a life here. Inside the hotel and out.”

Silence settled as Amber ate. Charlie was happy enough to just sit with her for the moment. 

“Why?” Amber finally asked, when her food was gone and the glass was sitting in her hands. “Why are you so invested in helping me? Isn’t hell supposed to suck? Isn’t it supposed to be punishment? But here you are, insisting on helping.”

“I don’t know.” Charlie admitted, shrugging. “Sure, this place is intended to be a punishment for Sinners but who says it has to be? And you just don’t seem like you belong here. I can’t imagine what you did to get sent here.”

Amber laughed, “I’m far from sinless.”

“Sure, no one is.” Charlie admitted with a shrug. “But a bunch of little sins surely doesn’t get someone down here. And if it does, it shouldn’t.”

“Maybe it doesn’t matter?” Amber stood up, not sure how to run from the conversation when she was in her own room. It was getting to be too much. 

“I’m sorry- I know most don’t really like to talk about what they did or how they died. It’s kind of taboo here and I overstepped.”

“It’s fine,” Amber lied. 

“What was your favorite thing top side?” Charlie asked, standing as well and making her way to the door. 

“Other than my daughter?” Amber mused as she thought about it. “Listening to the radio in the early morning, out on the porch with a cup of coffee. Before anyone else woke up. Before the day woke up. Before the day’s bullshit started.” 

A knock on the door started Amber out of her memory. Charlie had a wide smile as she enveloped the much smaller Amber in her arms. “Thank you for sharing that with me. It sounds beautiful.” 

“I should get that.” Amber mumbled into Charlie’s shoulder as the knocking came again, this time accompanied by a voice. 

“Anyone hooome~?” Alastor called in a singsong voice from behind the door.

“I should really get that.” Amber repeated, trying to ignore the way fear flooded her. “I don’t want to upset him.” 

Charlie ducked out of the room with a wave as Amber opened the door to Alastor. “Dearie, did you forget our plans already?” 

“No, I just- I didn’t know when.”

“Now.” Alastor answered, thumping his cane on the ground and leaning on it. “Is that,” Alastor wiggled his finger at Amber, “Acceptable to go out in?” 

“What?” Amber looked down at the over sized shirt she was wearing over leggings. “Is there something wrong with this?”

“It could be better.” Alastor said simply before deciding, “But I suppose it’s good enough for now.” 

“We’re just going to pick up the things from the tailor, right?” Amber asked, slipping her feet into the simple low heeled shoes Alastor had gotten her. They were more comfortable to walk in, rather than the heels and boots Angel had insisted on. Sneakers just didn’t seem to be a thing at the stores either had dragged her to.

“Among other things,” Alastor answered simply. “Come along now.” 

Alastor started down the hall without waiting for her. She was left scrambling to catch up to the one person she didn’t want to spend an undefined period of time being drug around the city with according to their whims. 

She didn’t know if she needed a coat or an umbrella or how the weather in hell even worked. It rained but the rain didn’t look pleasant. She’d seen people dissolve to the bone in the rain while she huddled under whatever shelter she had been able to find at the time. The weather had always been warm when she had been on the streets but Alastor always wore a overcoat. 

Going out wasn’t something she was used to and oh boy, was she overthinking it. 

She managed to catch up to him at the elevator, slipping in with Alastor before the doors closed. He had made no effort to hold the elevator for her. As soon as the doors opened onto the lobby, Alastor’s long legs carried him swiftly out. Amber was left scrambling to try and keep pace with him, struggling to stay within a few paces behind him. 

He had to know she was all but jogging to keep up. There was no way he wasn’t hearing the way she was panting by the time they reached the bottom of the hill or the rushed clicking of her heels against the stones contrasting to his smoothe relaxed steps.

“Now my dear, how should a lady carry herself?” Alastor didn’t even look back as his pace slowed. 

“Kind of hard when I can’t keep up.” Amber mumbled, trying to pull herself together according to his damn whims.

“Fix yourself.” Alastor commanded as he looked back at Amber. 

She pulled the hem of her long shirt and ran her hand through her hair trying to make it look like she hadn’t been near running to keep pace with his insanely long strides. Back straight and strong. Shoulders pulled back. Neck long. Chin up. Stand tall. Breathing slow and deep. 

It felt foreign. It felt wrong. It felt strong. 

It felt good.

“Very good.” Alastor remarked simply, continuing on his stroll at a much more relaxed pace.

Amber was able to keep within a few paces of him, trailing along behind him as he cut through fairly peaceful streets. Sure, there were corpses here and there, there were drug deals going down where the occasional alley shot off the main road. Monster sinners crossed the road rather than share the sidewalk with Alastor and eyed the woman who was in their eyes brave enough to share her time with the feared demon. 

Amber didn’t know what to do with her hands while walking in this new stiff posture. The day before, she at least had Alastor’s arm to busy one hand. She didn’t have a cane to fiddle with like him. She tried tucking her hands behind her back like he did but it felt stiff and awkward. Clasping her hands in front of her his felt better but still awkward, it reminded her of the timid life she had lived. 

In the distance, she could see the tailor shop. 

“Now, go get your package.” Alastor stopped, glancing at her before dissolving into the shadows, leaving her alone. 

“What?” Amber looked around and couldn’t find any sign of him. Oh hell no.

He took her out of the hotel and fucking left her alone. Defenseless and alone. Shoulders sagged as she debated if she could make it back to the hotel without having an unsavory encounter of some sort. Eyes fell to the ground as doubt swan through her mind. 

No, she couldn’t continue this way. At the very least she needed to complete the task Alastor had set her out on. Who knows what would happen if she didn’t at least get the clothes. 

“Step one, get to tailor. Step two, get clothes. Step three, I don’t fucking know.” Amber took a deep breath and again fixed her posture. Eyes up. Head up. One step at a time she propelled herself forward, down the sidewalk and toward the shop. 

Sinners didn’t cross the street for her. Some catcalled and propositioned but none actually touched her. A few sinners came close to touching her, reaching out to wrap and arm around her waist while trying to offer her something or another but she was able to sidestep them. 

She tried to pretend Alastor was walking with her. Oh, how she hadn’t expected to lean on the idea of him for some confidence. It was hard to wrap her head around how he made her feel safe while also making her feel the farthest thing from safe.

The air of confidence she struggled to pull around her was nearly totally false but it was something. Though it was illusion alone, it carried her as each step took her closer to the tailor shop. Just a block away now. Then a few feet. 

Her fingers trembled as she reached out for the railing as she prepared to ascend the stairs. It was here that she paused and looked around. In many ways, this was just another city street. 

Could she make a life here? Could she have some independence here? What a strange idea, to exist independent of those around her. When had she last been independent? Had she ever been sucessfully independent? She didn’t think so. 

Alastor was nowhere to be seen. Amber didn’t know what would come next but she wanted to believe she could get back to the hotel again, on her own if need be. 

Why he was helping her, she couldn’t fathom but he was and his lesson had been vital. What other vital lessons could he teach her, if she was willing to trust him?

Clean clothes, a change in how she carried herself and she was left largely alone in the same area she had once been accosted, chased and terrorized at. She was sure it helped that she had been seen with Alastor to some extent though. 

Closing her eyes, she tried to channel the way actresses would glide up stairs in the films she had watched in her life, not that she had gotten to watch many. Smooth steps as she made her way up to the porch and wrapped her fingers around the doorknob. 

With a deep breath, she entered the shop.

“You made it!” Alastor’s singsong voice called out, rich static coloring the tone as Amber all but jumped out of her skin. “Good job!”

The small sheep demoness had packages bagged up and siting on the counter. She looked positively terrified to have Alastor lounging in her shop as he waited for Amber to make the walk. 

“How did you-?” Amber clutched at her chest as her heart hammered against her ribs. 

“Collect your bags, Dearie. I’ve got things to do, places to be and people to maim. We simply have to get going.”

Amber did as she was told, scurrying over to the counter and collecting the bags with a meek word of thanks to the shopkeeper. Any air of confidence she had managed to collect on her way in was gone, startled right out of her by Alastor. 

Alastor said nothing as he lead her out of the shop. She raced behind him as he descended the stairs. There was no way she could guess which speed Alastor would walk at and part of per mentally prepared to nearly run to keep up with the much taller man. 

Instead he waited for her at the base of the stairs, making her look ever more a fool as she stumbled to a stop in front of him. He looked down at her with eyebrow raised and hummed his weird musical hum. 

“This simply won’t do for the meeting.” 

“What meeting?” Amber wanted to go home. She wanted to go where Alastor wasn’t so she could get her bearings.

Alastor snapped his fingers with a flair and air rushed around her. Elegant red fabric draped itself over her. The flowing circle skirt danced around her legs, cutting a soft line a few inches below her knees. The neckline was high, it nearly felt like it was choking her but the back of the dress dipped low, leaving her feeling exposed in the least scandalous way possible as her hair tickled the exposed skin. Her tail fit perfectly through a hole that she was pretty sure wouldn’t be able to accommodate the fluff when it came time to remove the dress. 

“Did you just dress me up like a doll?” Amber spoke sharply before she had a chance to consider her tone or who she was speaking to.

“And there you have it, again she finds her claws.” Alastor laughed, tucking her hand around his arm to rest on his forearm as be began to lead her down the street. 

“Why are you doing this?” Amber dared to ask while he walked her swiftly down the street toward the heart of the city. 

“Boredom, as I said. Don’t you listen?” Alastor tapped her ear rather harshly with the microphone head of his cane. “These ears are for more than just decoration, are they not?”

“They work,” Amber flung her ears forward and back in a attempt to somehow swat the microphone away without having to outright challenge the much more powerful man. “But that dosen’t really tell me why you’re treating me like a pet.” 

“Getting braver!” Alastor chuckled but didn’t answer. “Good job!” 

Amber yanked her arm from where it was tucked around his, stepping away to put distance between them. “Seriously. Why are you helping me? I know Charlie believes in redemption and Angel just seems nice but you-?”

“Me?” Alastor pointed to himself, static thick in his voice again as his neck cracked, head twitching to an unnatural angle for a moment. “Do tell me what you think you know about me.”

“You’re powerful.” She stated plainly, deflating. “And creepy. Sadistic, maybe.”

“You complement me so!” Alastor all but preened, placing a clawed hand to his chest and standing tall before leaning into her space again. “Do keep going.”

“You could kill me with a flick of your wrist, probably wouldn’t even feel bad about it-” She continued, stepping away from him every time he inched closer until she almost fell off the sidewalk. 

“I wouldn’t.” He said though she didn’t know if he was confirming he wouldn’t feel bad about killing her or that he wouldn’t kill her at all.

She didn’t dare ask for clarification.

“You don’t get anything from helping me but what? A momentary entertainment? It doesn’t make sense.”

“Isn’t our afterlife little but a series of momentary entertainments to break up our hellish existence?” Alastor countered before his posture changed, standing tall again and ordering her to stay put as he dissolved into shadows.

“What the fuck.” Amber said to the empty space he had been. “What the actual fuck.” 

[exo-raskreia]

idk if it means much because gojo called a lot of people with their first name, but to me it means quite a lot that utahime gets mad at him for not using honorifics, but still turns her head and pays attention when he calls her name again after she scolded him. people can see it as she has no choice or just being business with him, but it also means she's comfortable and knows he's a brat and annoying to her and she still chooses to be kind and remind him he should respect her (funny). I remember a tweet saying she wears her heart on her sleeve and expressive and loud and if she wants gojo to stop the teasing, she possibly can, especially if she really hated him. but look at them, it went on for more than 10 years.

Well, Utahime is one of the 3 adults Gojo calls by first name with no honorific (the others being Geto & Shoko). It's strange & interesting when u think about it... 👀

Yes, Uta seems to have the personality to be able to tell off Gojo if she really wanted him to stop the teasing. The fact it's been going on for more than 10 years means that maybe, she's not that bothered by it. She seems to like bantering with him, matching his energy.

She's the only one crazy enough to feel competitive towards him 😂; probably thinks she can beat him at something. "He can't be good at everything!" she probably tells herself. (Girl, it's been years, lol...). It's cute & funny tbh. If she truly hated him, she wouldn't indulge him.

Even Uta's own students find her reactions to Gojo strange in the 2nd JJK novel (Chapter 2)...

We know she loves baseball, so of course she wanted her students to put their all into it, plus, it's Gojo's students they were competing with. She was all fired up. But for her students to compare her passion for baseball with her reactions to Gojo...well...that's an interesting observation 👀

Gojo must enjoy the banter too. He can't help himself every time they're in the same vicinity. He's so good at everything that he doesn't have particular hobbies (as stated by Gege) but he's been teasing Uta consistently for more than 10 years...never seeming to get tired of it...

They both act like teenagers 🤭. Maybe they should get locked up somewhere to finally confront whatever's going on between them... 🫢

I also think it's interesting how Utahime always listens to Gojo & trusts him so much despite her annoyance towards him. She didn't doubt him when he brought up the traitor & let him talk for 3:41 minutes on their phone call 👀. She was not informed about the attempted assassination of Yuuji at the Goodwill Event; it's like Gakuganji knew she wouldn't agree to it, & her students didn't even think to tell her either. She must be that kind, and/or maybe she trusted Gojo's judgement in keeping Yuuji alive, which Gakuganji may have suspected.

Then we know she not only did the risky task of investigating the traitor at Gojo's request, but buffed him against Sukuna... on Christmas Eve... barefoot... He most likely asked her for help again & she agreed... I still want to know how this went down 😫. You don't do all this for someone you supposedly hate nor ask this much of someone you find weak...

At this point, one's inclined to believe there might even be some sort of tension between them... Afraid (and/or unable) to take another step closer, but can't stay away, so they stick to what they know... Not too close but not too far from the other...

[trashrat420]

New p:eg trailer

Prediction below the cut

As I was watching the trailer I kept track of all the students shown during the trial

1. Kai

2. Grace

3. Desmond

4. Ingrid

5. Diana

6. Mark

7. Wolfgang

8. Eloise

9. Cassidy

10. Wenona

11. Ulysses

12. Jean

13. Eva

14. Jett

15. Damon

Toshiko was not there, and correct me if I’m wrong, but her spot in the trial circle, between Jett and Desmond, is not shown

Assuming I didn’t just miss her, that could mean Toshiko is the first victim

I’m not sure who I think the killer is, but there are a few people I’m fairly confident it’s not based on their trial dialogue

Damon - hes the protagonist, he has privilege

Wolfgang - that kinda seems like a closing argument I think, I’m kinda on the fence with this once cause it could be him using his influence over the group to try and make them but vote for him, but I also think he’s gonna have a bigger role in the story than a ch 1 killer

Jean - I don’t think he’d have said that if he was guilty

Grace - her potential beef with Tozu seems like something the game would explore more, plus her possible dynamic with Wolfie and Damon could be pretty important

Diana - her trying to play the peacemaker or whatever seems like it could really make her start losing it later on in the game, it would help stir discord in the group, thus I think she’ll survive till a bit later

Eloise - this one works under the idea that Wolfgang’s statement is in the closing argument, if it is, she looks way to calm to be the cornered killer

Eva - cause I really don’t want it to be her /j but I still really hope it’s not

I also think it might have happened in the boiler room that shot that says CAUTION, is (I think) the way down there or some part of that area, I’m not 100% sure I didn’t go back and check the prologue

And the note to Damon?? What could that be, and would he really go to somewhere if he wa scaled by a note?? I kinda doubt he would

I wanna know what anyone else has to add, or if there’s anything about my suspicions you disagree with, I wanna hear anyone else’s thoughts and theories if you do have them, I’m kinda leaning towards Cassidy, cause of the focus she seems to have in these trailers despite not having dialogue in what we’ve seen of the trial, I’m sure she’ll talk a lot either way, she doesn’t shut up, although she also seems like she might be the protag partner, which would be fun, her dynamic with Damon would be great, I also think maybe Kai could be the killer? Idk why he just seems lowkey suspicious, and there’s that shot of him in the beginning of the trailer, really hope it’s not Damon, Grace or Eva that would be sad

Obv this could all be deliberate to throw us off the trail, Toshiko not being shown on purpose as a red herring, a flashback to the prologue maybe showing someone that’s not actually there, this feels like just pointing out the obvious, but I’m highkey not smart enough to actually predict anything interesting, and I’m sure there are way better predictions than this, but who knows

And can we talk about the chameleon in the poster?? What does that mean?? Diana?? What’d you do girl??

And why put Jett and Cassidy on the poster? Chat do we think it’s random or deliberate?

And there are free times !! I can’t believe anyone wants to hang out with Damon’s ass

Super fucking hyped for ch 1, and we finally got a release date too (:

[creative-caramel-coffee]

Desperate to Decompress

Pairings: Weems x Reader (Platonic)

Word count: 2.6K

Summary: Reader needs some time for herself to gather her thoughts and hides herself away. When Ms Thornhill notices your absence she reports to Weems, who goes to investigate.

TW: depictions of neurodivergence (implied), overstimulation (implied), hiding, crying, disappearing, crying, flinching (is that a warning idk),

A/n Ok so before i get attacked for this, this is a self-indulgent fic because i often hide myself away when i feel like this (I have ADHD) so this is based off my experiences. Neurodivergance presents slightly differently for everyone. Im not saying this is the only way it can be, just this is how it is for me. Enjoy :)

It had been simply too long since you had had enough time by yourself to decompress. You loved Enid and Wednesday; they were mostly the best roommates you could ask for but sometimes you really just needed a break. Silence and a place with no people.

It felt as if you had been slowly had your brain being scrubbed with each social interaction, any more of it and you would snap. It had happened before; people were just too present and loud and the more you tried to keep going the more the annoyance grew. It wasn’t personal, it was simply you had enough of it all.

You simply needed space and time to decompress, but with a shared dorm and a school full of teenagers there weren’t really any places to hide away from everything. You just needed somewhere silent, devoid of people and preferable hidden where you could sit with your headphones in listening to whatever song you had been playing on repeat for the past few days and your sketchbook in your lap. A snack to eat and some juice maybe. The introvert in you was screaming for help and you knew if you stayed around people any longer your social battery was just about dead. And when it died so did all of yourself control, all of the annoyance and repressed anger would come out and nobody wanted that, not even you.

Class was dismissed and it was time for the fifth lesson of the day. Your head was feeling slightly buzzed and you knew you needed it all to stop as soon as humanly possible. So, whilst walking between classes you slipped into your dorm under the guise of retrieving your biology textbook for botany class which was starting soon. Once the hallways had drained of teenagers as they all funnelled into classrooms in small streams, you hoisted your backpack over one shoulder and snuck through the halls.

You found it never worked the way you needed it to if you told people where you were going, that way it felt like there was still something expected of you. No. You never told anyone where you went or when you left on trips like these and that wasn’t going to change now you were at nevermore. You needed to know you weren’t going to be bothered by someone. Complete isolation or complete meltdown. That’s the options.

As you finally made it to where you wanted to be you clicked twice and descended into the nightshades library. A few days ago, you had been expecting the impending need for a shutdown and hidden a small blanket, snacks and a lamp behind some of the books. Now it came time to use them you pulled out the supplies.

Gently you set out the blanket like one might have a picnic, the soft touch soothing and relaxing. You set down your backpack and kicked off your shoes. Popping in an earbud in each ear you pressed play and took out your pencils and sketchbook. The sigh you heaved was involuntary as the stress began to melt. It felt like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders and you felt the annoyance that had been growing over the past days begin to trickle away.

You threw yourself into your drawing needing something mindless but engaging to do. You sketched scenes that were stuck in your mind's eye from the past few days of the term. Enid’s colourfully painted nails. Wednesday's typewriter. You drew and sketched and felt your mind begging to unwind and detangle all of the twisted emotions from the days.

Meanwhile Ms Thornhill glared at your empty seat in her class.

“Ms Sinclair, do you happen to know where Ms L/n is thats more important than my class?” She asked a slight edge on her voice.

It wasn’t annoyance at you as much as the fact her favourite student was absent, and the school board had cut her budget once more deeming the carnivorous plants a non-essential item and a point of risk for students.

“Umm I’m not sure?” Enid said looking slightly confused. “She was with me in out last class.” She said. The botany teacher huffed in annoyance.

“Open your textbooks to page 348 and start taking notes on the phenotype selection of white budded roses.” She said and the sound of textbooks being haul from bags began. “Until i return i expect no funny business. One more broken pot and the whole class has detention next Thursday.” She said and stalked off to the principal's office.

Now she was out of the classes eyesight she quickened her pace. Her anger faded to worry. It was unlike you to simply disappear. Sure, you had only been at nevermore for a few weeks now, but the risk of you being lost or injured was never none. Standing in-front of the big wooden doors she shifted her weight from foot to foot and before she could knock the doors opened.

“Marilyn.” Principle weems said in surprise before she collected herself and stepped to the side. “Come in. What can i help you with.” She asked and the two women walked over to the couch. Weems patted the spot beside her, and Ms Thornhill perched herself next to the shapeshifter.

“I’ll make this brief as i have a class left in the biology classroom.” She began and Weems nodded. “It's Y/n.” She began before sighing.

“Whats the matter with her?” Weems asked placing a hand on her teacher's knee.

“She hasn’t shown up for the class and its unlike her to simply disappear without telling people where she went. Im worried Larissa. What if she’s lost or worse yet injured?” She said and weems patted her leg.

“Never you worry. I will find her and make sure she is dealt with straight away. If that’s all i recommend getting back to your class before all your flowers have been deadheaded.” Weems smiled.

“Yes. That’s probably best isn’t it.” Ms Thornhill agreed and nodded standing and shooting her thanks to the principle before exiting.

Now the teacher was gone weems stood and collected the keys from her desk and left her office. She began at your dorm. Knowing which one it was as she had visited many times to see Wednesday and reprimand her for her repeated behaviours. You had been there for some of it but never really said much other than things like ‘I’ll get out of your hair’ before leaving.

It's not that Weems disliked you or any of her students really, she was just very busy and was now realising maybe she should have payed some closer attention to you. This was your first boarding school and your file had stated you were … different. Incredibly smart and well put together but it did say you were sometimes prone to randomly disappearing. Weems suspected this would happen sooner or later although she hadn’t the faintest as to why you did what you did. Maybe she should have given more of her time to making sure you had adjusted and settled in alright.

She frowned looking into the empty dorm. Noting the backpack, she often saw you with was also gone along with one of the two blankets from your bed.

She scanned the room once more before turning and leaving to search elsewhere for you.

Time didn’t really matter to you when you were like this. You simply stayed wherever until you no longer felt the overwhelmingness of it all anymore. You couldn’t let others see you like this. Vulnerable. You were most vulnerable like this. You simply needed space. You had no clue how much time had passed, and the sketchbook’s pages were slowly being filled with intricate portraits and landscapes from the past few days.

After a while you had resorted to the photos on your phone for reference. You hummed quietly to the music which was probably why you didn’t hear the sound of high heels on the steps until they were in front of you.

Looking up you saw the unimpressed face of Principle weems looking down at you with her arms folder. Using a finger, she flicked the chord of your wired headphones to dislodge one of the earbuds. You flinched slightly at the movement so close to your face and the feeling of everything crushing you almost seemed to return. She had found you. She had found you before you had the time to find yourself. You could feel the tears begging to escape. You were exhausted emotionally and couldn’t take one more trial of your mentality.

You hadn’t really noticed weems lecturing you until she grabbed your bicep loosely to haul you up. You flinched violently this time, the touch almost seeming to burn. Weems demeanour switched almost immediately as she came to an understanding. She put her hands up in surrender and crouched in front of you, an impressive feat for someone in heels. You saw her lips moving but the sound still didn’t seem to be reaching your ears, or more rather, your brain.

After moment weems simply sat and folded her legs pretzel style and lent against the wall next to you. She had stopped talking seeing how it hadn’t really reached you at all.

She seemed to be taking a note from your book and simply resting. She laid her head against the cool stone and shut her eyes slightly. You two of you sat in silence for a bit as you twirled you pencil anxiously. After a minute you realised the tears on your cheeks were present and you brought up a fist and began to harshly scrub at your eyes. A soft hand caught your arm and this time the touch didn’t seem to burn as much. Weems guided your hands to her lap as she held them and ran the pad of her thumb over the back of your knuckles gently.

“Darling are you ready to talk?” She asked and when you didn’t respond she softened. “It's ok if you're not-“

“Im fine.” You said and pulled your hands from her grip. “I should probably head to class anyway.” You said and began putting your stuff in your backpack. You felt a hand in your shoulder and stilled.

“Darling, I’m not expecting you to do that right now. Your clearly in need of a break. How about instead of sitting down here in the dark and the cold you come join me in my office. I can make us some hot chocolates and we can talk or just sit in silence, whatever you need love.” She said you felt the tears gather once more on your waterline. Weems brushed a gentle thumb over your cheeks and wiped away the tears.

“Oh darling.” She said softly and opened her arms for a hug. You shuffled into her lap and she wrapped her arms around you holding you tightly. The pressure helped and she seemed to notice.

“If you would like i can order you a weighted blanket for when I’m not available.” She said softly and smiled at the nod she felt against her chest.

“Yes please.” You said in a small voice.

“Alright.” She whispered into your hair and pressed a soft kiss to the crown of your head. “Let’s go get some hot chocolate when you're ready.” She said and you began to pull away. She held you closer. “That doesn’t have to be now if thats not what you need.” She said and you nodded again into the lapels of her blazer.

“Now darling. If you ever feel like this i want, you to come to me and we can sort something out for you. However, i must thank you for the exercise, being stuck behind a desk most days usually prevents me from a half hour fanatic search of the school grounds and she gently laud her chin on the top of your head as she felt you laugh slightly into her chest.

“I think I’m ready for that hot chocolate now.” You said softly. “If thats ok.” You added and she slowly unwrapped her arms from you.

“Anytime darling.” She said and helped you to your feet beating you to your backpack and putting it over her shoulder.

“I’d love to see your art sometime if you're ok with that. I love seeing my students' talents shine.” She said and you smiled softly and gently wiped your face to try and look less like you had been crying.

Weems wrapped your hand in hers and led you the short distance to her office. Once inside she set down your bag by the couch and told you to make yourself at home before disappearing into her private quarters and returned a minute later with two steaming mugs of her famous hot chocolate.

You sat in silence sipping the drinks before you set yours down and got ready to speak. The principle followed suit and placed down her own mug and dusted off invisible lint from her lap.

“It just … it all just gets too much sometimes. And i know i should tell someone but i feel like i just need to get out. Like one more second and I’ll snap.” You began and slowly all of the pent-up stress began to pour out into your words. Principle weems sat and listened wordlessly before you finally finished her hands where on your knees.

“I think it’s perfectly alright to be overwhelmed sometimes. And i have an idea. I find i myself often get trapped in my work and negate to listen to what i need. What I propose is…” she said pausing and folding her hands in her lap. “Anytime, and i mean anytime, day or night, you feel like this… you come find me and we take a break together.” She said and you smiled softly. “Do you think you can do that? Hmm save me from my work darling?” She asked with a small smile, and you nodded.

“I guess.” You said playing with your fingers.

“Good.” She nodded and you felt yourself relax further. “Now I’d like you to stay with me for the afternoon, i can see it in your eyes that your tired and i would like to offer you my space to relax. I can assure you it's much nicer than the floor of an older hidden library. Or at least i hope it is.” She joked and you chuckled softly.

“I’ll make us some food as I’m sure you missed lunch and then we can relax and maybe even take a look at your art. From what I’ve seen and been told in passing, you are quite the artist Ms L/n.” She smiled and you ducked your head embarrassed.

She smiled and went to retrieve some food for the two of you.

That afternoon you sat with the principle and snacked whilst she looked through your sketchbook sounding praises at your art and even asking for a commission for her office.

“I need some more colour in here.” She noted and you smiled. For once you decompressed but this time you weren’t alone. And you knew from now on you would have Larissa with you if you ever needed her.

MASTERLIST

[the20thcenturykid]

I was thinking about something... We know that both Lilith and Alastor were missing for the last 7 years and we have confirmation that Lilith is now in heaven and from Alastor breakdown in finale that his powers are somewhat compromised, limited (what could also add to the reason why he lost to Adam, since as prideful as Al is he couldn't fathom loosing to him even when not on his full power) and that his deal is part of it, probably even cause.

Soooo, long post theory ehead.

Leading theory is that Alastor made not so good a deal with Lilith but! When? If it happened during those 7 years would Husk know about it at all since it looks like Alastor might not even be able to talk about it? (Again, his pride and hubris but it also looks like he isn't allowed to say much about those 7 years) I highly doubt Alastor had some heartfelt conversation about that somewhere during those 6 months of show, especially if he really cannot say much about it so... Husk shouldn't know much.

What if the deal itself is old news and recent development was just part of it? Since he played with some voodoo during his lifetime it's not out of question he made it even before his death or right after since from the beginning he was able to take down overlords one after another. Also - did Al actually sold his soul or someone pulled on him "power for tiny favour in future" ploy? Or both?

The question of why he's engaging with the Hotel's plot is also on, because as honestly compelling is the idea he was just bored we can be sure it's just an excuse and he has way bigger plans.

Alastor was and is the hunter.

He also can probably destroy souls. He threatened Husk to do so, since overlords he killed disappeared completely they could get this fate. Normally when the human soul gets killed in hell they come back sooner or later but not when killed by angels and apparently Alastor if he decides to do so.

Now to the point - I have weird feelings that his deal isn't with Lilith but rather this "future favour" is somehow connected to her and probably she's its target. What if she messed with the one who owns Alastor's soul and he was sent to silence her? From the start - I don't know if Alastor is/was strong enough to kill an ancient demon queen even with extra power from his "benefactor" but if so it would be wise to hide from demon who's hunting her in only place he would never be able to go - in heaven.

Now, why is Alastor supposedly weaker if he's to take down Lilith? BECAUSE HE FAILED and this is his punishment for that. Why was he missing for the whole 7 years? Was he searching for Lilith? Yeah, for that I have no fucking idea to be honest. Idk, he tried to break into heaven by force and accidentally fell into limbo between heaven and hell and just got out after 7 years and Lilith not sure where he is didn't want to leave her safe haven for which she probably paid quite a big price (probably part of the deal which Lute mentioned at the end of season). Idk, that would be funny.

This all could quite well fit the reason why Alastor is so interested not only in the Hotel but most importantly in Charlie. As redemption might be a way to enter heaven I doubt Al would even consider going through it, but just knowledge if it's possible for demon souls to go there would be some hint how to exploit this possibility to get to Lilith. But the most important part here is Charlie. She's still young and finding her footing and how's the best way to get her trust? Help her grow and achieve her goals. Alastor went for some lengths to gather some trust and by how everyone reacted for his comeback at the end it looks like aside from Lucifer and Husk he bought some of it from them. And there's also a question of Charlie's deal. "Favour where she doesn't have to harm her friends"? Maybe some footing for the way to lure Lilith out of heaven or find his way there to get her by himself.

So why doesn't Alastor just use Charlie now to lure Lilith out? If he threatened to harm Charlie who's still discovering her own power her mother should come running to help her child? Well judging from outside sources about Al and his personality he isn't as cold blooded as one might think and even when he was alive he had his code. Afterall using hostages is quite low blow, so he's trying to avoid it by manipulating Charlie into trusting her. This is also the reason why he hated Lucifer's involvement so much - he's another obstacle and actually quite problematic. One thing is to manipulate the young one to get to the ancient demon queen, the other to try to manipulate the young one in front of their father to get to the ancient demon queen who happens to be said fathers wife (ex?).

And now for the finale and his breakdown. One thing is his pride was just completely slaughtered by Adam, he's losing control, he's not only weaker than someone, but even weaker than he himself thought (and just a few hours earlier he was making fun of Adam for his hubris and just got the biggest UNO reverse card in his afterlife). Also, he realised that he almost died in an attempt of protecting Hotel and its residents. No matter if they are just means to the end, if he's accidentally creating himself a new obstacle on the way to his prey by getting attached to them and most importantly Charlie using them will be way more difficult. He's scared of showing any weaknesses, and here he showed not only that he isn't as powerful in fight as he seemed but now feels emotionally vulnerable. And he hates it so much.

SOOOOOOOOOO

One last thing. Who's the person with whom Alastor made a deal? Since he gained the skill of destroying souls one might think it's some angel, but then heaven wouldn't be so safe for Lilith. So probably Roo, the Root of whole evil that was teased here and there by Viv for some time. If so

[trickstarbrave]

i havent drawn her yet but fine. i made a new nerevarine

artemisia septim, bastard princess of uriel conceived around the time just before jagar tharn ended up imprisoning uriel in a pocked dimension of oblivion (events of arena). uriel didn't really want her, but given she wasn't born to a random maid, he agreed to raise her but she's pretty much locked up in her wing of the imperial palace with only a nanny and tutors. she never knew her mother, just that she was a noblewoman who agreed to stay silent if he took responsibility.

after jagar tharn was defeated uriel vii focused more efforts on legitimate heirs and clearing out any potential spies. her nanny is killed on suspicion of being a spy who aided jagar tharn along with several of her maids. artemisia is only 11-12. she begins to hate him.

because she's an elf she's still young by the events of morrowind, at least as far as elves age. it makes her feel even more alienated in the imperial palace. she only ever speaks to her siblings and father in formal settings, otherwise they rarely acknowledge her. she studies magic but she knows uriel vii is a very. paranoid person for a good chunk of her life following his imprisonment. time breaking after the warp in the west probably did not help anyone. elves as i write them age normally until around the 20's after which it DRAMATICALLY slows down, but everyone expects her to be a fully mature woman who's nearly 40 (maybe she's younger idk i might set her story a few years before the official game. or maybe later. we'll see) bc theyre all imperials. she's like. baby to most elves though.

she's sent on a diplomatic mission to morrowind for politics. she's just excited to fucking leave the imperial city and GO SOMEWHERE. she finds the palace stiffing and filled with horrible memories. she wants to see something new, and she always read about morrowind. to her its a dream come true to finally get to see it in person and she's so excited she can hardly sleep.

of course. uriel sent her to morrowind because he knew the political tensions there were too high to send one of his legitimate heirs. he's hoping she doesn't die but also he needs an ambassador and wants to make a good impression. if she is attacked and killed though he intends to use it to put morrowind more heavily under his thumb. he also, given he has some prophetic abilities, has a good feeling about sending her there.

she's super excited at first even though things are. tense. they were told uriel had a dunmer daughter but she doesn't look like a dunmer at all. even being half. they've seen half-imperial half-dunmer children and she doesn't look like a dunmer even remotely. she has pointed ears but her skin has a golden hue and her hair is stark white and her eyes are red. she explains she was born with a condition that lead to only patches of grey skin that faded as she got older but that her mother was definitely a dunmer. they question if she actually had an affair with an altmer and not the emperor behind her back but in a way she can still hear, but dismiss it as the empire playing tricks on them to make them look stupid. she isn't half dunmer. the emperor must think theyre stupid and is passing off his altmer born bastard as a dark elf like they can't tell she doesn't have grey skin. (nerevar was rly coming through on this one. azura had to much fun in the create a sim i think)

however some sixth house members strike. orvas dren tipped them off that a septim would be coming for a diplomacy meeting and their plan was to kidnap her, hold her hostage, make her a dreamer, and then send her back to the imperial palace with plenty of ash statues.

caius ends up rescuing her and taking her back to hide in his house. she's freaking out bc what the fuck there's a freaky ass cult in morrowind?????????? were they gonna kill her?????? did the emperor know????????? and now she's stranded in the country until caius can figure out a way to smuggle her out without someone knowing but he suspects there might be sixth house infiltrators in nobility who would catch them. they can't risk him just plopping her in a boat while they also hide in wait there and caius in good conscious can't let her die when uriel tasked him with protecting her by any means. so instead he gives her a slight haircut, some commoner clothing, and tells her they're gonna give her a fake identity

she's like. "great im stuck in a fucking skooma den on this fucked up island and theres ash storms here and weird cultists and im miserable and i almost died and--"

"here's 200 gold, buy some other gear, say you're a half altmer mage coming here to study, join the mages guild and try not to get yourself killed. i have a few contacts in the guild i told to keep an eye out for you and keep you safe. do NOT do anything reckless. do you understand."

artemisia realizing that she gets to join the mages guild and do whatever she wants now:

[unreliablesnake]

Wounded animals

Pairing(s): It's supposed to be a Joel Miller x reader piece, but Tommy took control when I wrote it so it might be a Tommy Miller x reader story. Idk.

Note: This is like a pilot chapter. I'm more of a short chapters kind of girl because–to quote Neil Ellice–I have the attention span of a bag of squirrels.

Warning: afab!reader

It had been a very long shift so far and you still didn't see the end of it. Since the night seemed to be relatively quiet, you lied down on the bottom bunk bed in the on-call room, hoping you could catch some sleep.

You had no idea how much time had passed, but you were woken up by someone coming in and talking to you, saying words you couldn't quite understand just yet. Your eyes slowly opened and you found a man standing there, suddenly falling silent as he watched you.

"I can't believe it," he muttered under his breath as he walked inside and closed the door behind him. "It's really you."

He knew you, he was familiar, but the pieces of the puzzle simply didn't click in your head after spending so much time awake. But then you noticed a scar on his forearm, right below his elbow, that jump-started your memory. "Tommy!" you squealed as you stood up and rushed over to hug him.

His arms sneaked around your waist as he embraced you, keeping you in a bear hug you couldn't escape from. "We thought no one got out of the hospital alive, we thought you died," he said, chin resting on top of your head.

With a quiet chuckle, you leaned back a little to look up at him. "The military came in and took every staff member somewhere safe. They put us in quarantine to see if we were infected, but once we were proven to be clear, they took us to different clinics to help whoever got injured in that mess," you explained.

"I'm so happy to see you," he said, murmuring into your hair before reluctantly letting you go as he stepped away from you.

"What about Joel and Sarah? Do you know anything about them?"

"Sarah was killed by a soldier right at the start, we couldn't save her," he began to tell you, sitting down on the edge of the bed, elbows resting on his thighs. "Joel… Something broke in him that night, he's… not the same."

Not the same. Tommy's words echoed in your mind, making you wonder what had happened to him. Losing his daughter and finding himself in a strange new world probably had its toll on him, but at the same time his younger brother seemed perfectly fine. How bad could that be?

"Is he here in the QZ?" you asked quietly.

Tommy nodded. "He's right here, on this floor. I came in here because he finally woke up and it would be great if someone could take a look at him. The doctor who helped him went home apparently," he told you with a smile.

You sat down next to him, your eyes fixed on the door as you thought about this. Twelve years. It had been twelve years since the world went crazy. Since you had to leave everything behind. Since you were separated from Joel. Since you last felt love.

Now? Now you weren't sure you could look Joel in the eye. Your heart had been empty lately. It was much easier to deal with your job in this new world if you didn't have any feelings for others. No friends. No lovers. No family. Nothing. You were just an empty shell compared to your old self.

Suddenly you felt Tommy take your hand in his, fingers absentmindedly tangling with yours as he watched you. Tilting your head to the side, you gave him a questioning look. Something was wrong, you could feel it, but you also didn't want to force him to tell you what bothered him.

Then he stood up and pulled you up with him, his hand not letting go of yours, even when you left the room. As he led you to the room Joel was in, you wondered what you should say to him. What do you say to your ex-finacé you hadn't seen in over a decade?

"It's gonna be alright," Tommy told you when he stopped in front of a door. You gave him a doubtful look, and he leaned down to kiss the top of your head in return. "Just don't expect the old Joel, okay?" You nodded obediently. "Good. Let's go."

Your heart was beating in your throat, the world around you slowing down as he opened the door and stepped inside. You followed him like a lapdog, your eyes fixed on your shoes as you walked. It was hard to look up, to look at Joel again after all those years.

"You've gotta be fuckin' kidding me," you heard Joel say bitterly.

That's when you finally looked up, facing the man with a sad look in your eyes. He didn't sound like the old Joel. Your Joel. This man was a stranger, with no softness in his brown eyes.

"I found her sleeping in a room," Tommy said with a short laugh, probably to lighten the mood. "After all these years it turns out she survived."

"I heard what happened to Sarah. I'm so–"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence," Joel growled like a rabid dog.

You took a step back at the same time you felt Tommy's hand on the small of your back. When you looked up at him, he only shook his head with a sad smile. Don't ask, don't object, just stay calm. You could certainly do that.

With a sigh, you finally pulled yourself together and walked closer to the bed. "Can I take a look at your wound?" you asked cautiously. You were a doctor, it was your job to help him.

But Joel had a different idea. "I want another doctor," he snarled.

This took you off guard, and you soon felt Tommy put a hand on your waist to pull you behind him. "Joel, calm down, she just wants to help. She's a doctor in case you forgot, and you're a patient. Let her help," he tried.

"Get out. Both of you."

He didn't have to say twice, you shook your head and turned around to leave the room as he asked. Once outside, you leaned your back against the wall and started to cry silently, his words replaying in your head over and over again, each time hurting you more than before. Tommy had been right, this wasn't the Joel you knew so well.

"Hey, hey, don't cry, it's not worth the tears," Tommy said when he showed up in front of you, raising his hand to wipe your tears away. "He's been like that for a long time, don't take it personally. I think you remind him of his old life, of Sarah, and it's too much for him. Also, he's like a wounded animal now, attacking anyone who goes near him."

You didn't object when he pulled you into a hug, his hand rubbing along your spine to soothe you. Soon you stopped crying, your brain focusing on him instead, listening to the mixture of the steady rhythm of his breathing and the way his heart pounded against his chest.

Maybe this was for the better. If he really had changed this much over the years, it would probably be for the best if you didn't talk to him. He was in the past, it would be better to keep nothing more but the good memories.

Your hands instinctively moved to your necklace and the ring you had on it. He gave you this engagement ring before the military took you away, and you weren't about to let it go until now. But today you realized the Joel you remembered was nothing more but a ghost that kept haunting you.

So you took it off and placed it into Tommy's hand. "Could you give it back to him?" you asked.

He took a look at the piece of jewelry and you saw a glint in his eyes that you didn't really understand at the time. But he eventually flashed a smile at you and nodded. "Sure. When will your shift end?"

You let out a long sigh as you thought about whether or not you wanted to think about hanging out with him. Because that's what he wanted to ask, you could feel it. In the end you looked at your watch and let out a thoughtful hum.

"I still have five and a half hours left, and then I'm gonna hit the bed at home," you replied.

Tommy suddenly leaned over to place a kiss on your forehead. "Okay, sleep is important, especially in your line of work," he began. "I know where to find you now, so we'll talk some other time then."

Apparently he wasn't about to give up so you gave in. After nodding, you said goodbye and left to return to the on-call room, hopefully catching some sleep.

Not like you could sleep with Joel on your mind.

••••••

Taglist (although I won't do this in the future - hit the get notifications button and you'll know when I post something): @kyuupidwrites

[fortemelody]

miku expo was legit the best day of my life so i wanna ramble about it

edit: found this in my drafts and wanted to revive it even if this took place like a month ago now lmao

first off i wanna kinda stress something that i honestly might get flamed for

i was in the pit, literally the third row, and around the halfway mark people who didn’t have wristbands on (that you get if you’re in the pit) finagled their way in and no security stopped them. this was like 5 people near me and like 3 more on the opposite side of the chairs. i could barely move cus i was so squished in by them and beforehand i was taking the opportunity to jump and dance becus i was in the aisle becus it was very spacious.

i personally see this as wrong. like i understand the feeling so much of not having good seats becus they are expensive. my bsf’s parents payed for these seats and that was the closest i’ve ever been/probably will ever be at a concert. i am eternally greatful for them. however, if i were at any other concert with my regular nosebleed seats, i would not move up to somewhere where the seats were obviously filled and payed for. people work hard to have the kind of money to spend on good tickets, and i felt like they were stripping away all of that just becus there was some open space and no one from security happen to be watching

i do feel kinda bad becus my friend was complaining a little too loud and vulgarly without a proper confrontation and i was saying things like “yeah” and “real” and i think they eventually kinda heard us but they didn’t do anything in response until i finally asked them nicely to at least step back so i could move around. most of them listened then but one person didn’t.

i want to acknowledge that i probably wasn’t perfect either in a different aspect becus i was legit screaming my head off and i realize now that behavior can definitely be distracting. i forgot that convention idol etiquette very much applies to even a virtual concert because there are others around me that might not appreciate my loudness who aren’t performing, along with the band members (although they prob couldn’t hear me from backstage).

wanted to address my thoughts on the screen too. honestly i still think it’s a weird call (and would make a lot of sense if it was by crunchyroll) and i still think it’s rather cheap but i can at least acknowledge that the visuals were pretty crisp. im assuming it also helped people see it from super far away better. it was definitely not an experience ruiner by any means but it was pretty jarring for the first 10 mins or so.

anyways, on to the good moments. at the end i shouted thank you to the band members when they came out and one of them saw me gave me the heart hands AND IT WAS SO FUCKING SWEET AHHH

i went into this only knowing about 5 songs for the set list and i’m so glad for that becus the suprises kept hitting me. some of the most hyped songs for me were unknown mother goose and fraulen biblioteca. i was so happy they played a wowaka song becus he deserves to be honored in multiple countries. and with fraulen i have a video recording of it where me and my bsf’s convo went like this:

“i can’t believe they did it”

“what?”

“I CANT BELIEVE THEY DID IT”

“ME TOO”

(for context we were debating which songs would get played on the way there and we wanted this one but thought it had a slim chance. also meiko is my fav soooo)

ALSO we didn’t know we got VIP till someone told us (thank you kind stranger). the tote bag is really nice and i’ve gotten a ton of use out of it. and i used the fan in place of a penlight the whole time- idk how it didn’t break. as for the other stuff it was just kinda meh to me.

lastly we got a shit ton of confetti from the cannon and passed some out to people and took a couple for ourselves too. i’m so glad they did that it was a nice touch and it looked so beautiful as it was falling tbh

i think that’s all i gotta say but i might make some fanart to commemorate it later (i just said this same thing in a post a couple days ago and i haven’t even started *that* drawing yet….oopsies).

[earlgreytea68]

If I may present some more lyrics related thoughts: The line "Last night I dreamt I still knew you" probably haunts me more than any other on SMFS, and I can't help but wonder if Pete had the hiatus in mind when writing them. He and Patrick went from being basically inseparable, to Patrick not knowing his kid, and performing his own music with so much more confidence than the boy who hid his face under a hat onstage all those years ago. Pete must have felt like a ghost in his own life without his musical other half by his side, but now here they are together on the other side, and they're stronger than ever!

okay, okay, so to me Flu Game is SUCH a hiatus-y song that i wonder sometimes if it's not a song with old lyrics stuck in it, or if Pete sent old lyrics to Patrick, Idk, did it finally seem like time to write through the hiatus in this particular way? But the lyrics seem more depressed than the rest of the album. Even given things like "I used to be a real go-getter," there's a brutality to "Oh, God, kinda please would you kill me now?" (I know Genius says this is "kindly please" but I stand firm that I think it's "kinda please.")

Anyway, everything about this song feels like it could come from the hiatus, because it's all about someone you knew so desperately well, someone you carved out space for in the world, just you and him against the world, and now you're so distant that you're just a face in the crowd he's up there performing to, and there you are, left with all this love and no one to give it to, trying to pretend you're getting through each day when it's exhausting, and what are you dreaming about? That you still knew each other (all of my wildest dreams ended up with you and me). That's your wildest dream (I will never ask you for anything except to dream sweet of me).

I can't be who you need me to be is so very what Pete Wentz thought at the beginning of the hiatus, and all he's doing is working flat-out to keep everything going and it's totally not appreciated and he can't even figure out anymore what's real or fake and he worked so hard to carve out that space and you're just going to leave it.

And he knows none of this really matters and nobody will care and it's all pointless but he can't seem to stop wanting to catch all of your ears, he can't stop seeking that attention, none of it is healthy or good but he's stuck in it, what else is he going to, he's got all this love and an empty space next to him.

There are also a lot of themes in these lyrics that strike me as being more common in his pre-hiatus stuff: The idea of faking how hard everything is so that you make it look easy shows up in Alpha Dog (we must make it hard to look so easy doing something so hard) and I'm pretty sure it shows up somewhere else, too, but I'm blanking on it now. The idea of Pete writing as Fall Out Boy the band and its unhealthy relationship with its fans also feels more pre-hiatus than post- (that's in Hum Hallelujah and Our Lawyers...). I might just be forgetting the post-hiatus occurrences of these themes, but they feel older to me. I have long wondered if this song is an old-lyric song. In interviews about the album, it seems clear that Patrick likes this song a lot and that Pete is less enthusiastic about it and considers it one of those "Patrick-y" songs that comes out of his head and his head alone. Which to me also slots into "he pulled these lyrics from God knows where." But, again, I could also see it that maybe Pete found them and finally thought it was time to share them. Who knows?

I haven't even talked yet about my absolute favorite lyric in this song: "Late at night in my room, lie awake and think of you and all your little dooms." First of all, this is another one of Patrick's odd-rhythm specialties, and I love it so much because it highlights so nicely my favorite part of the line: you and all your little dooms. Ugh, I just love that. Genius tells me it's probably a reference to orgasms and I just think that Pete Wentz never talks about sex as much or as straightforwardly as Genius thinks he does lololol. Which isn't to say he doesn't talk about sex, just that this lyric is about so much more than orgasms. It's so brilliantly evocative of that kind of relationship where a million little things seem to condemn it and drag it down. And given how hiatus-y the song feels to me, I think of the way Pete must have felt as it was all falling apart, that talking to Patrick was just an endless series of "little dooms" that Patrick kept flinging at him. What a perfect, beautiful little turn of phrase for the way things can succumb to the quicksand of problems.

Idk, I just love Flu Game.

And it is perhaps important to note that it leads into "Baby Annihilation," Pete's return to the poetry of the pre-hiatus time, but this time polished up to be JUST POETRY, no song it's being tacked to the end of, this standalone moment of Pete Wentz (with Patrick backing orchestration, the truest representation of their partnership we've really ever had, tbh), with it's closing musing of "what is there between us if not a little annihilation?" AND THEN we get "Kintsugi Kid," a song EXPLICITLY about that period of Pete's life where he was self-destructive but titled for how he came out so much better in the end, AND THEN the Patrick Stump special of "What a Time to Be Alive," the song Pete has very fondly called "pure Patrick," and it just seems so fitting to me that at the end, Patrick comes roaring back into this hiatus-y stretch, and we come back into the present.

[dhs-in-distress]

Well now I'm curious 👀

God, I wish I could project my brain waves onto this screen cause words do not do the absolute insanity that is Scatters’ choices justice.

Like, it‘s complicated. He has issues and traumas that caused a lot of his personality quirks and in the end it‘s possible for him to learn, become a better person and ultimately be the truest and best version of himself. That‘s later down the line though, a large portion of his character journey is just,, pain and suffering, often self inflicted as well. Like that one guy said: „It‘s like a car crash in slow motion, terrible and painful to watch, but you just can‘t look away.“

To name a few things Scatters actively does to self sabotage:

- hurting others on purpose, sometimes physically but mostly just by being terrible to them. This is solely so he doesn‘t have the opportunity to form meaningful connections (one of if not the only exception to this is Cliffjumper, who also does this exact same thing (only on his off time ofc, mostly…), which made the two kind of gravitate towards one another because they remind each other of themselves. They only call each other „acquaintances“ but do care deeply about one another. Which leads me right into my next point!)

- delusion. Telling himself that everyone (even the people who despite everything still believe he can change for the better) hates him and that he hates them even more and that he shouldn‘t form bonds with others anymore. That it‘s better for everyone involved that way. That he doesn‘t have to hurt them and push them away if he just never gets involved. That he should di- ANYWAY.

- running away. Yes I mean that literally. I‘ve managed to accidentally make Scatters physically running away from people and problems alike a,, thing he does regularly. If you can‘t keep them away metaphorically you gotta improvise I guess!

- betrayal. In the non-lethal way, not the Scar and Mufasa kinda way. Though if it had gotten too bad too quickly in the beginning he might‘ve… . Anyway, betrayal is similar to the first point, just even worse. If someone somehow manages to attach themselves emotionally to him, and he‘s failed in making himself believe that they hate him and that he hates them, only disappointing and betraying them will make them see that he‘s not worth having around. „It‘s for their own good“ he said angstily before disappearing into the shadows (probably to cry).

So yeah, in a way the consequences for his actions are the entire goal, doing terrible things so that others will see him as a bad person, treat him badly and ostracise him. But the real consequences are that he wasn‘t ready for team prime. Cause he betrays them, on purpose, three times. (Well it‘s 4 but I‘m not getting into that right now.) The first time everything goes according to plan, bad actions, getting hated. Somehow they (mostly) manage to forgive him, begrudgingly take him back in after he almost dies „because no one deserves to die, even if they‘re a bad person“ (or something like that). It severely throws Scatters off his game, cause that never really happened before and he doesn’t know how to feel now. The second time he lets it slip that „that was the whole point“ when they question him about his intentions and that he‘s (being) a terrible person. He‘s also a lot less enthusiastic about it and does something a lot less bad, which helps in getting OP suspicious and accepting him back him again. The third and final time Scatters finally breaks down about how everything was really just about getting them to finally hate him, so that he can let himself hate them again too. Because somewhere along the way he‘d grown fond of them and that‘s just not right. He can‘t explain why though, other than that he can‘t let anyone else do this to him, or let himself do something to them… that things such as these never well.

Then emotional honesty happens,, or something, idk I might need to stop now while I still can before I fall over into another rant about the team dynamics and the actual work Scatters needs to do and begrudgingly does to let himself like other people again and let himself be helped and MOVE ON FROM HIS 1 MILLION YEAR LONG DEAD BOYFRIEND FFS. THAT GUY CAUSED ALL OF THIS SHIT ANYWAY! Where was I,,, right I should probably stop and go to bed now. If some of this comes across weird or wrong or completely incomprehensible it‘s because I didn‘t prove read ANY of it. Wow now I‘m sabotaging myself, I‘m just like him fr! (/j)

Anyway, tldr: the consequences are everything that happens to him which is sometimes his goal but surprisingly even more shit happens to him that wasn’t on purpose which is absolutely terrible,, and therapy hopefully. Oh and prison too technically, they do lock him up each time cause he always steals something along the way, sometimes a little more than others (cough bank robbery). But yeah uuh the vulnerability problems are only one thing, there‘s also the stockades ptsd, which I already ranted about, the OTHER dead boyfriend trauma, which I could go so in depth about I might dig myself into an early grave and also the earth‘s core, and all of the war stuff.

God I should stop torturing my OCs at some point, I think they‘ve bad enough…