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feanorianethicsdepartment · 3 years ago

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Alright, I read your recent post and need to know - what is your interpretation of Maglor’s relationship with the twins?

askjdhslkjag my biggest self-inflicted problem in this fandom is that my take on maglor, elrond, and elros' relationship is so intensely detailed and specific i am forever tormented by none of the fic i read ever quite getting it right (from my perspective; i’ve read plenty of fic that presents a good interpretation on their own terms, it’s just never mine.) it’s simultaneously way darker than the fluffy kidnap dads stuff and nowhere near as black-and-white awful as the anti-fëanorian crowd likes to paint it, it’s messy and complicated and surrounded by darkness, and yet there’s also a sincere connection within it which mostly serves to make all those complications worse. angry teenage elrond is angry for a great many reasons, and the circumstances around him being raised by kinslayers account for at least half of them. there’s lots of complexity here, and i don’t see it in fic nearly as often as i’d like

(warning: the post... feathers? i already have an internet friend called faeiri this could be awkward - anyway, the post she’s talking about includes the line ‘everyone is wrong about kidnap dads except me.’ this post follows on from that in being as much a commentary about why various popular interpretations of both how the kidnapdoption went and the way people subsequently characterise the twins just don’t work for me as it is a setting out of my own ideas. i’m not really interested in getting into discourse here, i’m just trying to get my thoughts down. i’ve read fic with these interpretations before that i’ve liked, even, don’t take this as a Condemnation, aight? also this turned out long as hell, so i’m putting it under a cut)

i can never buy entirely fluffy depictions of kidnap dads

which isn’t to say i don’t read them! sometimes all i want is something sweet, for these kids to get to be happy for once. it’s not like i think their time with the fëanorians was completely devoid of laughter

it’s just. the pet names, the special days out, the home-cooked meals, it can get so treacly it stops feeling like the characters they are in the situation they’re in and turns into Generic Found Family #272

it soaks out all the complexity - which is the thing i am here for - and acts like oh, these kids were never in any danger, they were perfectly happy being abducted by the people who murdered everyone they knew, there’s nothing possibly questionable about this relationship at all

and... yeah. that’s not the characters i know. that’s not the context i know they belong to

i just can’t forget the circumstances that led them to meet

rivers of blood, the air filled with screams, a town ablaze, a woman choosing to die. every interaction the three of them have is going to proceed from that nightmare

(sidenote: i tend to hold it was maglor that raised the twins, with maedhros looming ominously in the background not really getting involved. it’s mostly personal preference, i’ve been in and out of the fandom since before this kidnap dads thing blew up and when i joined that was a perfectly standard reading)

(also the cave thing was a dumb idea, old man, if only because it implies beleriand had streams safe enough for children to play in at that point. the way it separates the twins from the third kinslaying is also something i don’t particularly vibe with)

probably my least favourite angle i’ve seen on the situation (edged out only by ‘maglor was actively abusive towards the twins’ which no no no no no no no no NO) is the idea that maglor (and/or maedhros, append as necessary) took the twins specifically to raise them

like, i get where it’s coming from, but it makes maglor come off as really creepy

(i have read fics where it is indeed played off as really creepy, but that’s not a maglor i have any interest in reading about)

(’mags 100% bad’ is just as facile a take to me as ‘mags 100% good’)

even if you’re saying maglor took them in because they had no one left to take care of them - i highly doubt they were the only children the fëanorians orphaned at sirion. idk, it always makes maglor seem much less sympathetic than i think it’s meant to

i prefer to think of it as more... organic? something that evolved, not something that was preordained. them growing closer gradually, the twins finding an adult who might maybe be on their side, maglor becoming invested in them almost by accident

and then the twins are so comfortable with the second scariest monster in amon ereb they frequently sass him off and maglor’s gotten so used to not hurting them he’s not even thinking about it any more. no one’s quite sure how it happened, but they’ve made a Connection

‘wait aren’t they a murderous warlord of questionable mental stability and a pair of terrified small children who’ve lost everyone they ever knew? isn’t that kinda fucked up?’ yup! that’s the point! complexity!

another idea i don’t like is the idea that maglor was an objectively better parent to the twins than eärendil or elwing

other people have talked about this already, i won’t rehash the whole thing. i will say that while i don’t think elwing was a perfect parent - someone so young, in such a horrible situation, i wouldn’t blame her for screwing up - i do think she (and eärendil) did the best by them they possibly could

this is one of the few things they have in common with maglor

something i come across now and again is the idea that sure, elwing and eärendil weren’t abusive or horrible or anything, but they were a couple of basically-teenagers with so many other responsibilities, there was only so much they could do. maglor, on the other hand, is an experienced adult who could take much better care of the twins

and...

first off, it’s not like mags doesn’t have a job. he’s a warlord, he has a fortress to help run, military shit to handle, lots of other stuff that needs to get done to stop everyone from starving or getting eaten by orcs. i feel like sirion had enough of a government there was plenty of opportunity for elwing to take days off and play with her kids, but in the fëanorian camp nobody really has the time to chase after a couple of toddlers, least of all one of the last points on the command network. they just don’t have the people any more

(seriously, the twins getting a formal education with tutors and classes and shit is a weirdly specific pet peeve of mine. this is a band of renegades, not a royal household; if there’s anyone left with those kinds of skills they almost certainly have more important things to do)

more than that, though - well, a quick glance through my late stage fëanorians tag should tell you a lot about what i think maglor’s mental state is like at this point. he is so accustomed to violence death means nothing to him, he’s lost most of his capacity for genuinely positive emotion to an endless century of defeat and despair, he hates everything in the universe, especially himself, he’s only able to keep functioning through a truly astounding amount of denial, and he covers it all up with a layer of snark and feigned apathy, which he defends aggressively because he’s subconsciously realised that if it breaks he’ll have absolutely nothing left

(maedhros, for the record, is... i’d say more stable, but at a lower point. maglor may interact with the world mostly through cold stares and mocking laughter, but at least his mind is firmly rooted in the present)

(on the other hand, at least maedhros lets himself be aware of what they are and where their road will lead)

which... this doesn’t mean maglor doesn’t try to be kind to the twins, or rein in his worst impulses around them

there’s just so little of him left but the weapon

he stalks through the halls like a portent of death and gets into hours-long screaming matches with maedhros and has definitely killed people in front of the twins

not even as, like, a deliberate attempt to scare them, but because when you solve most of your problems by stabbing them it’s pretty much a given that people who spend a lot of time around you are going to see you do it at least once

and sometimes, he curls up in an empty hallway, and weeps

... suffice it to say i don’t think elwing’s the more preoccupied, or the less mentally ill, parent here

just. in general, the fëanorians aren’t cackling boogeymen, but they’re not particularly nice either

no one has the energy left for that. not these isolated and weary soldiers at the end of a long losing war and the beginning of the end of the world. they don’t really bother to guard the kids against them escaping. where else are they going to go?

the sheer despair that must have been in the fëanorian camp after sirion, the knowledge that the cause cannot be fulfilled, that they are utterly forsaken, that they’re really just waiting to die -

it can’t have been a happy place to grow up in, under the shadow of loss and grief and deeds unrepentable, and the slow march of inevitable defeat

they would have had a better childhood if they stayed in sirion, raised by people who knew how to hope

but that isn’t the childhood they had. and despite everything i’ve said, i don’t think that childhood was an entirely awful one

yeah, see, this is where the other side of my self-inflicted fandom catch-22 comes in. just as much of the pro-kidnap dads stuff comes off as overly saccharine and simplified to me, i find much of the anti-kidnap dads stuff equally simplistic in the opposite direction

the idea that maglor and the fëanorians never meant anything to elros and elrond, that they had no effect on the people they became at all, that it was just a horrible thing that happened when they were children, easily thrown in the rear-view mirror...

that’s even more impossible to me than the idea that life with the fëanorians was 100% fluffy and nice

like, i’ve seen the take that elros and elrond hated the fëanorians from start to finish. they were perfect little sindarin princes, loyal to their people and the memory of doriath, spurning every scrap of kindness offered to them and knowing just what to say to twist the knife into the kinslayers’ wounds

... dude. they were six. hell, given their peredhelness, mentally they could easily have been younger

what six year old has a firm grasp of their ethnic identity? what six year old is fully aware of their place in history? what six year old would understand the politics that led to their situation?

don’t get me wrong, i can see hatred in there. but something else that doesn’t get acknowledged alongside it often enough is the fear

some of the stuff i’ve read feels like it gives the kids too much power in the situation. they’re perfectly happy to talk back to and belittle the people who burned down their hometown and killed everyone they ever knew, like miniature adults who don’t feel threatened at all

and, like, six. i can see them going for insults as a defensive measure, but it is defensive. it’s covering up fear, not coming from secure disdain

(and a lot of those insults sound, again, like things an adult who’s already familiar with the fëanorians would say, not a scared child who’s lost almost everything. why would a six year old raised by sindar and gondolindrim know what the noldolantë is, let alone what it means to maglor?)

(... i’m just ranting about this one fic that’s been ruffling my feathers for five years straight now, aren’t i)

i mean, i write elrond as the world’s angriest teenager, who snipes at maglor pretty much constantly, but the thing about angry teenage elrond is that he’s angry teenage elrond

he’s spent long enough with the fëanorians he has a pretty secure position within the camp, and he knows that maglor won’t hurt him from a decade and change of maglor not, in fact, hurting him

but as a small and terrified child abducted by the monsters his mother had nightmares about? he fluctuated wildly between ‘randomly guessing at things to say that wouldn’t get him killed’ ‘screaming at maglor to go away in words rarely more complicated than that’ 'desperately trying not to do or say anything in the hopes of not being noticed’ and ‘hiding’

(and i don’t think the twins were never in any danger from the fëanorians, either. quite besides the point that before they started orbiting maglor nobody was really sure what to do with them... well, they wouldn’t be the first children of thingol’s line the minions took revenge on)

(fortunately for them, maglor did, in fact, take them under his wing. by this point even their own followers are shit scared of the last two sons of fëanor, nobody’s going to mess with their stuff and risk getting mauled. tactically, it was a pretty good decision for a couple of toddlers)

more to the point, i feel like a child that young, in a situation that horrible, wouldn’t reject any kindness they were offered, any soothing touch in a universe of terror

in a world full of big scary monsters, the best way to survive is to get the biggest scariest monster possible to protect you. that’s how elros rationalises it when they’re, like, eight, mentally, but at the time they were just latching on to the only person around them who seemed to care about them

that’s how it started, on their end. two very young very scared children lost in a neverending nightmare clinging tightly to the lone outstretched pair of hands

as for maglor...

i’ve called mags evil before, but i see that as more of a... technical term? he is evil because he did the murder, he remains evil because he won’t stop doing the murder. hot take: murder bad

but that doesn’t make him, like, a moustache-twirling saturday morning cartoon villain. he is deeply unhappy with the position he’s in and the person he’s become, and he’s always trying not to take that final step over the edge

it’s not that i can’t see a maglor who is abusive or manipulative or who sees the twins more as objects than people. it’s just that that characterisation is one i am profoundly uninterested in. i do occasionally read fic with it, but it never enters my own headcanons

horrible people can do good things!! kinslayers can do good things!! the fallen are capable of humanity!! people can do both good and evil things at the same time, because people are complicated!! maglor is not psychologically incapable of actually taking pity on these kids!!!!

it’s... again, complexity. the fëanorians straddle the line between black and white, which is a lot less sharp in the legendarium than it’s sometimes characterised as. it’s what draws me to their characters so much, why i have so many stupid headcanons about them. pretending they fall firmly on either side of the line is my real fandom pet peeve

and, like, this moment? this sincere connection between a bloodstained warlord and two children who will grow up to be great and kind in equal measure? i may not entirely like the direction the fandom’s taken it recently, but that beat, that relationship, it still gets me

so no, i don’t think elrond and elros’ years with the fëanorians were an endless cavalcade of abuse and misery. i think there was love there, despite the darkness all around them

an old, tired monster, and the two tiny children it protects

maglor never hurts the twins, not ever, not once. his claws are sharp and his fangs are keen, if he so much as swatted them he’d rip them in half. instead he folds down the razor edges of his being, interacting with them ever so carefully. he has nightmares of suddenly tearing into their skin

seriously, the power differential between them is so great, maglor so much as raising his voice would break any trust they have in this horribly dangerous creature. fics where he does corporal punishment always get the side-eye from me

the mood of their relationship is... i find it hard to put into words. melancholy, maybe, like a sunny afternoon a few days before the end of the world. three people who’ve lost so much finding what respite they can in each other as the world slowly crumbles around them

there are times when it feels like the three of them exist in a world of their own, marked out by the edges of the firelight. maglor telling stories of the stars, elros giving relaxed irreverent commentary, elrond getting a few moments to just be, all their troubles kept at bay

they are the last two lights in a world sunk into darkness, the last two living beings he does not on some level hate. he will tear his own heart out before he sees them in pain

he teaches them to ride, he teaches them to read, he gives them everything he still has left. the twins should never have been in this situation, maglor probably isn’t entirely fit to take care of them, but it is what it is, and they take what love they can

(maglor depends on the twins emotionally a bit more than any adult should rely on any child. he’s still very much the caretaker in their relationship, but that relationship is the only one he has left that’s not stained by a century of rage and grief. he’s obsessed with them, maedhros tells him frequently. maglor’s standard response to this is to try to gouge maedhros’ eyes out)

(that particular darker side to their relationship, where maglor’s attachment to the twins turns into a desperate possessiveness - that’s not something i think i’ve ever seen in fic. which is a shame, it feels much closer to my own characterisation than the standard ways this relationship gets maleficised. darker, in a different way than usual. horribly compelling in its plausibility)

however you want to read it, i don’t think you can deny this is a relationship that defines elrond and elros’ childhood. they were raised in the woods by a pack of kinslayers, the text is quite clear on this

but i’ve seen a lot of talk about how elros and elrond are only sirion’s children. they are completely 100% sindarin, they love and forgive eärendil and elwing thoroughly and without question, they identify with doriath over - even gondolin, let alone tirion. the fëanorians - the people who raised them - had zero effect on the people they grew into and the selves they created

and that, more than anything else, i find utterly unbelievable

look, i get what this is a reaction to. a lot of the kidnap dads stuff paints the fëanorians as elrond and elros’ ‘real’ family, and i’ve already talked about what i think of the idea that maglor-and-possibly-also-maedhros were better parents than eärendil and elwing. i think it’s reductive and overly optimistic and just a little too neat

but to say instead that elrond and elros held no great love in their hearts for maglor, no lingering affinity with the fëanorians, no influence on their identity from the people they grew up around, none at all? that after it happened they just left it behind and resumed being the same people they were in sirion?

that strikes me as just as much an oversimplification. it sands down all the potential rough edges of their identity, all that inconvenient complexity that stops them from fitting into any well-defined box, and replaces it with a nice safe simple self-conception i find just as flat and boring as declaring them 100% fëanorian

we can quibble over who they call ‘father’ (i personally find that whole debate kinda petty) but denying that it was actually maglor who was the closest thing they knew to a parent for most of their childhoods, and that that would, in fact, affect the way they thought of themselves and their family, elides so many interesting possibilities out of existence

(i’m not even going to get into the most braindead take i have ever heard on the subject, namely that because their time with the fëanorians was such a small fraction of elrond’s total lifespan it was like being kidnapped for two weeks as a toddler and had no greater significance than that. do you not understand what childhood is????)

like, i tend to think of elrond as a child as being very loudly not-a-fëanorian. elros is more willing to go with the flow - hey, if the creepy kinslayer wants kids, elros is happy to play into that in order to not be murdered - but elrond is very firm that he’s not happy to be here and he doesn’t belong with them

(this is after they get over their initial terror, of course, when they’ve realised they won’t be fed to the orcs for the tiniest slight. even so, elrond only really gets shirty about it around people he’s comfortable with, whose reactions he can reasonably guess at. naturally, the first person he does it to is maglor)

elros calls maglor their father exactly once, when they’re... maybe early preteens? this is because elrond hears him do it and immediately loses his shit. they have a dad, elrond says, in tears, and a mum, and any day now their real parents are going to come to pick them up and take them home

... right?

it gets harder to believe as the years roll on, as their memories of sirion fade, as they find their own places within the host, as maglor watches over them as they grow. elrond still mentally sets himself apart from the fëanorians, but it’s more of an effort every year. life in the fëanorian camp is the only one he’s ever really known. he can barely remember his mother’s voice

then the war of wrath starts, and the fëanorian host drifts closer to the army of valinor, and the twins come into contact with non-fëanorians for the first time in forever, and it becomes clear just how obviously fëanorian elrond is. he always insisted he wasn’t like the kinslayers at all, but he dresses like them, talks like them, fights like them

the myth cycles the edain tell are almost completely unfamiliar to him, he barely remembers the shape of the songs of lost doriath. even these sarcastic commentary and subversive reinterpretations he made of maglor’s stories - those were still maglor’s stories! he’s been trying to guess at the person he was meant to be, but it’s growing nightmarishly blatant how little elrond ever knew about him

instead, the people he was born to are as alien to him as the orcs of morgoth. he is a fëanorian, through and through

... yeah, elrond (and/or elros) having an absolutely massive identity crisis upon being reintroduced to his quote-unquote ‘true kin’ is another angle i’d love to see in fic that i don’t think i’ve ever come across. all those potential grey areas around who they are and who they’re supposed to be sound utterly fascinating, and i think it’s the complexity i hate to see elided over the most

i really, really doubt they could effortlessly slot back into being eärendil and elwing’s children. not when they’ve been surrounded by, lived alongside, been raised by the people who were supposed to enemies for most of their lives

they just don’t fit into that box any more. they can’t

speaking of eärendil and elwing, while i do agree that they both (especially elwing) get a lot more flak than they deserve, i don’t agree that therefore elrond and elros were never the slightest bit mad at them and fully forgave them for everything with no reservations

because, well, they were left behind. elwing had no other choice, but they were still left behind; it led to the world being saved, but they were still left behind. all the best intentions in the universe don’t erase the weeks and months and years of waiting, of a hope that grew thinner and frailer until it finally quietly broke

that’s a real hurt, and a real grievance. even if the twins rationally understand that their parents were making the best out of their terrible situation, you can’t logic away emotions like that. it’s perfectly possible for them to know they have no reason to resent eärendil or elwing, and yet still harbour that bitterness and pain

(i did write a thing once where elrond loudly rejects eärendil as his father in favour of maglor, but something i didn’t add in that i probably should have is that elrond later regretted doing that)

(not like, several centuries later, when he’d grown old and wise. two hours later, when he’d calmed down. but he was still legitimately angry at eärendil, because the one thing angry teenage elrond was not lacking in was reasons to be mad at the adults around him, and before he could figure out if he had anything less furious to say the hosts of the valar left middle-earth behind)

(it’s another element to the tragedy of the whole thing. in that particular story, which is mostly aiming for maximum pain, the only thing elrond’s birth parents know about their son for thousands of years is that he hates them)

(and he doesn’t, not really. you can’t hate someone you’ve never known)

not that i think they couldn’t ever make up with their parents! fics where elrond and his birth parents work past all the things that lie between them and form a functional familial bond despite it all give me life. i just don’t like the idea that there’s nothing difficult for them to work past

i don’t like the idea that elrond and elros would naturally, effortlessly identify with the mother they last saw when they were six and the people they only vaguely remember. i can see them doing it as a political move, i can see them going for it as a deliberate personal choice, but i can’t seeing it being immediate and automatic and easy

no matter how great a pair of heroes eärendil and elwing are, that doesn’t change the fact that to elrond and elros, they’re at most a few scattered memories and a collection of far-off stories. and so long as the twins stay in middle-earth, they’re never going to draw any closer

compared to the dynamic, multifaceted, personal, and deep bonds they have with the fëanorians - who, and i know i keep saying this but i think it gets tossed aside way more casually than it should, are the people who actually raised them, their birth parents must feel like a distant idea

and that’s why i can never buy interpretations of elrond as 100% sindarin, a pure son of doriath, with no messy grey areas or awkward jagged edges to his identity. given everything we know about his life, it seems almost cartoonishly simplistic

honestly it seems like a narrative a bunch of old doriathrin nobles trying to manouevre elrond into being high king of the sindar or something would propagate. it's neat and nice and tidy, something that’d be much more convenient for everyone if elrond did feel that way

but i just don’t see how he can. this narrative is easy and simple in a way real people never are, it ignores all the forces pulling him apart. elrond being uncomplicatedly sindarin with the life he lives and the people he's close to - that doesn’t make any sense to me

which isn’t to say i think he’s 100% noldorin, from either a gondolindrim or a fëanorian perspective. (i find it a little more believable, given, again, who he grew up around and who he hangs out with, but it’s still a bit too reductive for my tastes.) it’s also not to say i couldn’t believe an elrond who made an active choice to emphasise his sindarin heritage

it’s not how i think of him, but it works. i don’t have a problem with other people interpreting the complexities of the twins’ identities differently

i just have a problem with people acting like it doesn’t exist

in general i think there’s a lot untapped potential that gets left behind when you declare the twins, separately or together, as All One Thing

they’re descended from half the noble houses of beleriand, and they have deep personal ties to most of the rest. they belong to all of the free peoples even the dwarves, somehow, probably and i feel like that was kind of the old man’s point? so many peoples meet in them, to say they wholly belong to any one species is probably an oversimplification

they sit at a crossroads of potential identities, and rather than narrowing down their worldviews to one single path, they take the hard road and choose all of them. that’s what you need to do, if you want to change the world

and, to bring this back to my ostensible topic, in my estimation at least this mélange of possible selves does include them as fëanorians! it’s not overpowering, but it’s certainly there, and the adults they grow into long after they’ve left the host still bear influence from their childhood

nothing super obvious, nothing that wouldn’t stand out if you didn’t know what to look for, but there’s something almost incandescent in how fiercely elros reaches out for his dreams

there’s something almost defiant in elrond’s drive to be as kind as summer

as for who they publically claim as their family... honestly, it depends. while it’s usually more tactically prudent for elros to connect himself to his various human ancestors, on occasion he does find a use for his free in with the elf mafia, and elrond, code switcher par excellence, is famously the son of whoever is most politically convenient at the moment, which is rarely, but not never, maglor

(in the privacy of their own minds, well, eärendil and elwing may have been the parents elros was supposed to have, but maglor was the parent he actually had, and elros doesn’t particularly care to mope over what might have been. elrond, for his part, figures that after all the shit maglor has put him through, the least that bastard owes him is a father)

but honestly? i think before any of their mountain of identities, before thinking of themselves as sindarin or gondolindel or hadorian or haladin or fëanorian or anything, elrond and elros identify as themselves

they are peredhil, they are númenóreans, they are whoever they make themselves to be. that’s how elrond finally resolved his identity, figured out who he was and found something past the pain and the rage

he wasn’t doriathrin, or gondolindrin, or falathrin, or fëanorian, or whatever else. he was elrond, no more and no less

and that person, elrond, could be whatever he chose to be

... elros came to a similar conclusion, with much less sturm und drang that he’s willing to admit. being able to go ‘hey, i can’t possibly be biased towards any one of your cultures, because i’m descended from all of you and i was raised by murderelves’ makes it a lot easier to unite people around your personal banner, turns out

the stories other people tried to force on them shattered into pieces, and the peredhel twins were free to shape themselves into anything they could dream of

and as the new world struggles alive, these lost children of an Age of death begin to bloom into their full glorious selves -

i just. i love the poetry of that. despite every single shadow that hangs over their past, despite all the clashing notes pulling them apart, they harmonise it all into a greater, kinder theme, determined to make their world a better place in whatever way they can

they fail, of course, but so do all things. the inevitable march of entropy doesn’t diminish the long millennia they (and their descendants) held onto the light

and their growing up in the fëanorian host definitely had a huge effect on the noble lords they became. you can see it in elros’ loud ambition to create a land of happiness and hope, elrond’s quiet resolve to heal all the hurts inflicted by this marred reality

it wasn’t a perfect time by any means, but neither was it a nightmare. it was what it was, a desperate existence at the edge of a knife where, nevertheless, they were loved

even after years upon decades upon centuries have passed, it’s hard for the wise king and the honourable sage to separate out and identify all the conflicting emotions swirling around their childhood. they never knew eärendil or elwing, true, but they also never really knew maglor

not as equals, not as adults, not as people who could truly understand him. he disappeared into the fog of history, leaving only childhood memories of razor-sharp, gentle hands

it’s messy and it’s complicated and getting any real closure would be like shoving their way through a thornbush with bare hands even if elrond could find the shithead, and yet at the core of it all, there is light. not the brightest of lights, maybe, but an enduring one

that contrast, above all, that note of warmth amidst the shadows, is what fascinates me so much about their relationship. three screwed up people in a screwed up world, finding a little peace with each other

and the fact that somehow, it does have a good ending - the children grow up magnificent and compassionate and just, they become exemplars of all their peoples, lodestars of the new world born out of the ashes of the old - that makes it seem to me like this relationship must have contained some fragment of happiness

but, fuck, all the darkness that surrounds that love, all the tangled-up emotions its existence necessitates, all the prefabricated self-identities it can never slot into - nothing about it is simple, nothing about it is easy, and i find that utterly enthralling. especially how, despite everything, that flickering light never goes out

well, i don’t think it does, anyway. my take on this relationship is both complicated enough no one else ever quite gets it right and well-defined enough every single ‘error’ in other people’s interpretations sticks out like a kinslayer in rivendell

it is an entirely self-inflicted problem, i will admit. other people are allowed to interpret those complexities differently from me, and it’s entirely my own fault i lack the :waves hands around nebulously: to write my own hypothetical fic on the subject at a pace faster than glacial

still, though. i do wish there was more fic out there that engaged with these complexities. a lot of the common fandom interpretations of this relationship just sweep it all away

#ask #my terrible headcanons #elros #elrond #maglor #elwing #earendil #feanorians #niphredilien #yellow feathered faerie #putting your old url in the tags for archival purposes #post nyanyannya askbox clearout #ironically it turned out almost as long as the songfic that clogged up my askbox in the first place #and it is DONE #fuck this took forever to write #stayed up late just to get it out the door so i don't have to think about it any more #this is a long ramble and i'm pretty sure the end is just me repeating myself ad nausem sorry #i'll admit to a certain pro-feanorian bias in my interpretation #but i also don't want elros and elrond to just. live in a neverending horrorshow for decades #the silm's cruel enough we don't need that #narratively i feel like elrond being All Of The Elves is a good mirror for elros being All Of The Humans #but it didn't really fit the angle i was going for #bleck #let's see how many followers i lose for this

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samuraisharkie · 3 years ago

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god I’m about to cry they cherry picked my anons trying to defend and explain myself and basically said that the dig at me was “just a fucking joke” and to relax while also refusing to read any of what I sent. What made them decide to hate me? Why do people always decide to hate me when I ask for help?? What the fuck am I supposed to do?? And they’re 100% going to ignore me or vilify me further, and encourage their followers to do so as well. Why?? For what reason would they be so mean to a random person asking for help?? I thought they were going to be chill since they seem to be in the circle of people in the vet/bio community that posts the most and regularly gives out info, but instead they decided I was an asshole for asking for help?? god I just. I don’t know what I do wrong. My goddamn disability ruins everything. I can’t fucking live in this world without it being shoved in my face that people will hate me just because I can’t do the same things they can. And the fact that they 100% refuse to even consider they were being an asshole... I don’t know why I expected better of them, I guess I assumed they were mature because of their line of work and area of study, but I was dead wrong. Normally I’d deal w this by myself, but this was the final straw. I feel like they’re talking to all the other vet/bio blogs and making me out to be the asshole so they don’t have to admit they were wrong in how they chose to go about responding, or “warning” them that an anon is going around asking for help for recommendations of proper education sources when the field I’m interested in is so rife with misinformation (and the misinformation is more popular and widely accepted than the accurate info) and making me seem like a lazy shitbag. I can’t figure this out on my own. Google scholar isn’t reliable, I need fucking help knowing what to look for, and not one goddamn person on earth is willing to help me or even be understanding about it. And then they want to talk about ableism or complain about misinfo when they’re the ones gatekeeping it and only giving it out when they’re in an argument online. I’m so fucking tired of being made to feel like I’m worthless stupid and strange and being ostracized from literally any community I try and involve myself in and try to learn in.

why do ppl feel the need to make fun of perfect strangers and make them feel stupid and ignorant. why are the people that know more and have more experience always the same people who want to be bitchy and cagey when you ask for help, or want nothing to do with you whatsoever?? I have dealt with those assholes all week and it really rubs my disabilities in my face. They may not think it’s ableist to deny me info or act like I’m incompetent for not knowing, but it absolutely is. And it’s funny some of those people will refuse to be even cordial to you asking for help and then turn around and talk about ableism in their industry/line of work as if they aren’t directly contributing to it by bottlenecking the information and refusing to even give recommendations on how to learn more. I’m so tired of being made to feel like a freak and a complete asshole just because I had the audacity to want to learn properly the subject I’m getting involved in.

#vent #I’m not going to explicitly say the name of the blog I’m referring to bc I know all it would do is fan the flames for their drama #and I really am only trying to vent rn. I don’t want them or their followers and groupies making me feel even worse #also they’d vilify me if I did and if anyone tried to defend me it would be turned into a whole ass war by them and their followers #and I can’t deal with that rn.#they so obviously hated me right off the bat and for what? they could have responded politely and said they couldn’t help #a lot less energy than deciding to be a bully to some random person #also the whole thing would have been over right then and there if they had just been normal and polite abt it but they HAD to be an asshole #I want to fucking die man I want to cease existing.#nothing I do will ever be good enough no matter how hard I try #and I’m always just going to be that stupid little kid that no one likes bc they’re ‘weird’#UPDATE: they deleted the first ask post with the mean joke it seems but left the one where they basically told me to get over it up?#this person has aggression issues #yeah the internet can be a cruel place but that’s not an excuse to perpetuate it #also did they never learn the ‘if you can’t say something nice’ thing?? seems like they didn’t want to be bothered in which case #theres a simple solution: don’t respond?#literally there was no need to be mean about my question even if it was dumb or they couldn’t help. just say ‘idk sorry’ and move on!!#you don’t have to be mean and make the person out to be the butt of a joke!!!#like. I can’t get over how unnecessarily mean it was #and if they deleted the ask then it seems they realized it too and got rid of the evidence so they could say I was being sensitive #idk if someone came to me asking for help— even if it was worded weirdly or wasn’t something I could help with #or the person was asking for info about the field their job landed in #and you think they’re asking for basic info or stuff they need to know before starting #I would simply be polite and respond as best I could #no need to ‘do research for them’ or anything either just say ‘I used this’ or ‘idk I’m not experienced in that field’#or one of those with ‘but you should get started on learning that info soon and absorb as much as you can at work!’#like. it’s not hard.#idk I just don’t understand ppl that are mean for no reason

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blackgirl-galactica · 4 years ago

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Hey babies! I'm back from my break! And I just wanna say:

MARS IS NOW IN CANCER!!!!! 🔥♋♋

Ik ik it's been in cancer since yesterday, yet, here is what you may need to know for your astro forecast!

We know by now Mars is that planet of action!! Its direct, blunt, aggressive, and cuts through the bs.

And we have Cancer. Generally known for being on the softer end. Very nurturing. Loves family and all things THEY know they can enjoy. This is because Cancer expresses 4th house themes (family, comfort zone, roots, etc.) being the 4th sign and all.

So, we have Mars in Cancer. Dont be fooled, this doesn't mean you will be scared to fight. This means you'll fight for what MATTERS to you! Meaning, keep in mind that while Mars is a fighting energy, that doesn't mean heavy Cancer placements may find themselves fighting EVERYTHING in life, it just means they may be a bit more direct about defending and protecting what MATTERS to them. Cancer is still a cardinal sign(the modality that is associated with taking initiative mainly) and it's a crab at that and it will pinch the hell out of you 🤣🤣😭.

Generally, this means you may find yourself a bit more defensive about your relatives (at least the ones you care about), home life may get more rowdy, and you may be more defensive about your comfort zone and not letting anyone push you out of it right now(even if the other person may mean well).

Yet, to be more specific, this may differ depending on what house mars in cancer transits for you.

If Mars in Cancer is transiting in your:

1st house: Definitely may be a bit more protective about your self-image and not letting anyone misunderstand you. You may be more clear about who you are in the world and how you fit in. Especially if you know as a Cancer rising loving and protecting is a big part of who you are.

2nd house: You may find yourself defending or being more protective of assets, money, and materials. Especially if they come from a close source like family. You want no one fucking up that bag or messing with your sentimental values. Esp if its like an heirloom (this is because Cancer is associated with the past, so passed down things are of importance to you possibly rn).

3rd House: Definitely may have a more forward approach to how you speak, esp if we're talking about signing contracts. Writing may be more forward and direct as well. Also may be protective of siblings and neighbors around this transit. Yet, do be mindful to not argue with women alot in your neighborhood or your mom during this time since cancer does rule women. Driving is also something to be mindful of as well (dont wanna fear monger, just be mindful on the road like always 😊). Activate that defensive driving!

4th house: Protective of home environment. Lol I hope nobody is getting into it with your family because you may be right there with them around this time. Or vice versa, you may be getting into it with them at home (I hope not 😰). Dont want others penetrating your comfort space rn. Also may be very forward in your approach if you're looking for homes or work in real estate. You may just be like "okay well how much is this and how far is this location from my job, etc."

5th house: Definitely will defend children during this transit. Also, if you play a sport, you may have more energy during your games in this transit (idk who is playing sports in a pandemic, but I know someone is). Anyway, I digress. You also may have a more direct approach in how you want to foster your next creative project and you have alot of energy for it.

6th house: May find yourself defending people at work. As in if you see someone getting bullied at work you may just be like "hey man, stop fucking being a dick to xyz" lol or something like that. Your health may see alot of attention as you have the energy to tend to it. Be mindful of eating too many spicy foods as it may hurt your stomach.

7th House: Defending people in general lol. But remember, some people need to defend themselves as well so dont go overboard with it. You ain't tolerating any mess especially if its within a group of friends. You will definitely become the "mom" friend in this transit and get folks together if you see them bullying others. You also may be very protective of your romantic partner as well. Not letting anyone disrespect your baby iktr.

8th house: Joint assets are going to be your focus here. Making sure no one fucks it up. You also may be very vocal and defensive of your sexual health (as you should) because people like to underestimate how important that is. Also, if you hear about someone talking about your friends or family (gossip is secretive=secrets=8th house), you may find yourself defending their honor in their absence.

9th house: Very protective of your ideas and not letting anyone shut them down! Your ideas and opinions matter too! Also, if you see a friend being bullied by a teacher (9th house = teachers), you may just call the teacher out! (Tell me if you do 🤣🤣♋). Your are firm in your spiritual growth and not comparing yourself to others. You know your higher self and are growing and no one can take that away from you.

10th house: OOO the career moves and getting that bag!!! You are not playing. 10th house represents capricorn, the opposite of cancer. Cancers are usually not a fan of the public(cancer =4th house = privacy), so publicity (a 10th house theme) may not appeal to them until now LOLOLOLOL. You may make some career moves to get your name out there or may feel more confident in public than usual. Even if you really arent a publicity person, who may mess around and do something in your career that may garner attention/respect. People may look up to you more for your willingness to defend others and passion for people.

11th house: You definitely may feel moved to protect the people in your community/your friends. You may find yourself doing this on the internet as (11th house = Internet). May be very vocal in defending issues that are dear to you and wanting people to be aware of that, even if it's something people may not care for yet. 11th house represents progressive thinking, so these issues you're defending people may not understand, but defend them anyway.

12th house: Okay, this is a little tricky. While you may feel the need to defend, you may not know why, but you know you need to. Intuition may help in this case. Also, you may be very protective of your secrets, the 12th house represents the subconscious and things we may not be physically aware of, like secrets. May not tell people what they shouldnt know and if they ask, you may be a little direct like "because it's my business" LOL. Definitely dont wanna cause issues unless you intuitively know FOR A FACT somebody on some bullshit.

That's the astro forecast! I know I didnt cover everything but I hope you're more aware of whats to come with Mars in ♋.

Love yall,

-Claude

#mars in cancer #astrology forecast #astrology observations #astrology #astrology blog #spirituality

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gladiatortale · 4 years ago

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My DEPRESSION BEATING, fandom obsessing, shit-tastic FANTASTIC year in review!

TL;DR: I’m fixing my mental health and figuring out WHO THE FUCK I AM one fandom filled day at a time! Thank you to everyone who’s been there for me along the way. xoxo

what’s up HEATHENS.

stating the goddamn obvious here, it’s been a HELLUVA YEAR. One emotional rollercoaster after another but we’re ALMOST DONE. I know things aren’t gonna magically get better the second it flips to 00:01 on January first, but I’m excited to put this year behind me, and (SHOCKINGLY) a bit sad to see it go.

It was a year where the whole world completely stopped, we realized what is really important, what is really worth fighting for, and took a GODDAMN SECOND to just breathe.

For me personally, the year (which I’m counting off from November 1st) started out UNBELIEVABLY SHIT. I had just been kicked out of the country I called home for the last four years (thank you Brexit), I had ZERO job prospects, my depression was the WORST it had ever been, and I just didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning. And in the beginning, the pandemic felt like salt in the wound, an extra kick in the teeth to my early twenties that had already “failed to launch.”

But I tried to embrace the madness, really take advantage of the world (that I always thought moved to fast) properly slowing down, and take time to try and become myself again. I wanted to figure out what I loved and try and become a bit more like the person I was before my depression got so bad.

I often say I became that Manic Trash Planet Lady™ you see in sci-fi adventure films; a bit zany to say the least, with a million ideas and a very eclectic fashion sense, but embracing the insanity as it comes...

*cough cough* audrey, get to the goddamn point!

Right. lol. THE POINT IS!

I’m not 100% “healed”, I’m not sure if I think depression is a “oh look you’re officially cured! hooray!” type of disease, but this year I let myself ENJOY SHIT for the first time in god knows how long. I still don’t know “wHaT i WaNt To dO WiTh mY LiFe”, but I’ve got a better idea and I’m heading in (what feels like) the right direction. And most of all, I can look back and say I am better than where I was a year ago.

So I wanted to say T H A N K Y O U to the mad lads on this website that introduced me to the fandoms, shows, movies, fics... THE SHIT that made me happy this year and were there to be one (BIG) piece in my healing journey.

AND SO, with out further rambling ADO! Here are the highlights of the year marked by my ridiculous hyper-fixations and OBSESSIONS. Thanks for putting up with me ya fiends, xoxox

November 2019 The Arcana (Visual Novel)

I had just gotten home and I was in a LOOOOOOW place. Randomly decided to download this app when it came up and it proceeded to ruin my life (and my bank account...) for pretty much the rest of the year. It was exactly what I needed to get me through a tough time and I was thoroughly, horse-blinders-up-to-the-rest-of-the-world, OBSESSED. These gorgeous magical fiends ruined me and all I could say was thank you.

Joined the fandom: November 2019 Obsession peaked: Late November Obsession faded: December 2019; I started a new job AND my bank statement came in and I realized I had accidentally spent over SIXTY BUCKS on this stupid app. No ragrets, but I definitely started to phase out at that point. Fandom friends: Velma, (@lanavxds on insta) miss you girlie xx Fanfics you NEED to read: ‘Second Mistake’ by DeathBelle on AO3, because DAAAAAYUM SON. Favourite moments: Basically the whole of the Julian arc. That gangly himbo OWNED my ass for a month.

December 2019 Hazbin Hotel (TV Series)

Y’ALL okay here me out. Am I proud of this one? No. Is the show crass as hell? OOOOOOOOHHHH YEAH. Did my angsty ass love it at the end of last year? DAMN STRAIGHT IT DID. Goes without saying, but this is NOT FOR EVERYBODY, but it definitely helped me along the way to becoming more comfortable with myself and being open about being the massive geek that I always was, and watching things I enjoy regardless of what people say about it.

Joined the fandom: December 2019 Obsession peaked: Shortly there after. Fandom friends: None. Dipped one toe in fandom discourse and then promptly YEETED the fuck outta there. Obsession faded: January 2019. Still curious to see the full series if A24 actually ever does produce the whole thing, but I have def moved away from it. Fanfics you NEED to read: Haven’t read any. Maybe I’m a pussy baby piece-o-shit, but I DID NOT want to go down that rabbit hole, NO MA’AM. Favourite moments:

Discovering the Hunicast podcast. These guys are a riot and Ashley is a flustered GEM. Even if you don’t watch the show, go watch an episode of these fucking LADS just dicking about and your day will get better.

Watching the first episode with my partner and watching him realize his girlfriend is a total freak.

January 2020 Lore Olympus (Webtoon Comic)

*Officially* discovered this one thanksgiving weekend in 2019, but my Arcana phase was still raging pretty strong at that point so I didn’t really get in to it until later. EVERYBODY AND THEIR MOTHER NEEDS TO READ IT. It has everything and handles the reality sexual assault and it’s aftermath EXTREMELY well.

Joined the fandom: Late November 2019 Obsession peaked: January 2020 Fandom friends: KELLEY. MA GIRL XOXOXO Obsession faded: June-ish 2020. I’m like 10 chapters behind now, but I still love this story so much. Fanfics you NEED to read: SO MANY ON MY ‘MARKED FOR LATER’ LIST AAAAAH. I have to get to that... NEW YEARS RESOLUTION lol Favourite moments: Having a drunk conversation on New Years Eve in 2019 with one of my oldest friends from high school about how much she loved it too. Helped me see how popular fandom and fandoms, are especially after feeling like I needed to hide my enthusiasm through high school and uni. (THAT WAS A MISTAKE BUT I’LL GET THERE IN A MINUTE).

February 2020 Versailles (TV Series)

SO FUCKING GAY Y’ALL. Oh my god everyone in this show is so gay. Even when they’re not they still are a little bit. AND BEST OF ALL!! it’s very historically accurate (except for the demon satanic nonsense in season 3, what was that???)

Joined the fandom: February 2020 Obsession peaked: Like??? The SECOND I finished episode one. Fandom friends: none... WHERE ARE ALL OF YOU??? Obsession faded: March 2020. It was a fast and passionate love affair, what can I say? Fanfics you NEED to read: IF YOU HAVE RECS, GIVE ‘EM TO MEEEEE. Favourite moments:

Showing the first episode to a friend of mine and the *ungodly GASP* that came out of her throat was... PRICELESS.

The ENTIRE throuple(???) relationship between the Chevalier, Philipe, and Palatine. PLATONIC/ ROMANTIC LOVE G O A L S.

March 2020 Yuri!!! On Ice (TV Series)

*deep breath* ...y’all knew this one was coming.

Was I ready for this show to ruin my fucking life? No. Am I so glad it happened??? FUCK YEAH.

NEVER IN MY LIFE have I fallen off the deep end so quickly with a fandom. HOLY SHIT. This blog didn’t have much of an “identity” before, but I you said that this is a Yuri On Ice blog now I wouldn’t even be mad (nor could I really defend myself to the contrary... bc??? like??? just go LOOK at my archive). Craziest thing is I watched the first two episodes like?? a solid TWO YEARS ago, but I didn’t continue watching because I was just not in the right head space for all the love and silliness and positivity.

I could do a whole separate post about how much this show and how this fandom has changed my life (DON’T TEMPT ME I JUST MIGHT). But I’ll stick with the highlights for now ;)

Joined the fandom: March 2020 Obsession peaked: Has it peaked?? Went straight up and it still going lol Fandom friends: Sandra, my mentor, my queen @aeriamamaduck, my fandom ride-or-die. Thank you for taking this internet bby under your wing. RACHEL @idancewiththefairies I TRAPPED YOU HERE. MUAHAHAHA xxx Obsession faded: ON GOING. CAN’T STOP, WON’T STOP. Fanfics you NEED to read: jfc, SO MANY.

‘Until My Feet Bleed and My Heart Aches’ and ‘Of Bright Stars and Burning Hearts’ by Reiya @kazliin -- Rivals AU companion pieces. Longest fics I’ve ever read and JESUS CHRIST these two fucking SENT ME. Most popular YOI fics on AO3 for a REASON.

‘Tell Me Where Your Love Lies’ by @aeriamamaduck -- Royalty AU, trope-breaking ABO. Ah sweet, TMWYLL, how you’ve killed me over and over again. This BEAUTIFUL wip has SUCH amazing world-building idk where to start (Congrats on passing 50,000 hits!) EVERYONE GO READ IT.

‘Blackbird’ by sixpences -- WWII/Coldwar Spy Fic. I don’t have enough words to describe how amazing this is. It’s elevated to a higher plane beyond fanfic. Just go read it. Thank me later.

‘Zanka’ by rinsled05 @dreaming-fireflies -- The geisha fic that ruined me. *deep breath* AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH *gasp* I’m fine. lol I sooooo not ready for this fic. Holy hell, Aoyagi had my heart in his hands from the first chapter. “’Please’ [...] ‘Don’t give me hope.’“ FUUUUCK.

‘Echoes’ by Reiya @kazliin -- Future fic. First fic I cried at... BOI. I was NOT ready for this. Shouldn’t be surprised given the author, but MAN. “‘A love like that, a love like what they had together, it never leaves completely.’ Yuri spoke again, eyes still staring out onto the ice, lost in memory. ‘There are always echoes.’” JUST FUCK ME UP.

Favourite moments: Oh good lord, where do I begin??

Having two (count ‘em TWO) main characters with mental health issues (Yuuri and his anxiety and Victor with burn out and depression) and NOT MAKING IT THE ONLY ASPECT OF THEIR PERSONALITY. CLAPS FOR KUBO AND YAMAMOTO!!

Everything about Yurio (ESPECIALLY HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH YUUKO AND HIS GRANDPA), that tsundere motherfucker is too pure for this world.

THE KISS. THE PROPOSAL. MY HEART WASN’T READY. AAAAAH!!

This fandom *properly* introducing me to smut on AO3...

Thinking I was going to get Rachel to like the show... NOT being prepared for her to fall off the deep end and START LIKING REAL SKATING TOO!!

Staying up waaaaaay too late waaaaaay too often to plan out plot points for TMWYLL with Sandra. Love ya dearie.

The warm fuzzy feeling I get every time I think about Victor and Yuuri.

April 2020 Bungou Stray Dogs (TV Series)

I had a hunch I was gonna like this show considering ALL of the characters are based off of famous classic authors from around the world... what I was NOT prepared for was just HOW MUCH I was going to love it. HOLY SHIT. The art style? Love it. The plot?? Bonkers, but so fun. THE VOICE CAST??? AMAZING. Highly recommend to anyone who wants to get in to anime, great place to start.

Joined the fandom: April 2020 Obsession peaked: Probably this summer? But we have DEF plateaued in a VERY high place. Fandom friends: FIJI. MA BOIIIII @lil-1nsane Obsession faded: Hasn’t. Hope it doesn’t Fanfics you NEED to read: So so so many. The smut in this fandom is *chef’s kiss*, but here are a few...

‘He Works Hard For the Money’ by CataclysmicEvent @cataclysmicevent2019 -- Sugar Daddy AU. FUCK MAN. I was not expecting to like this one, but bloody hell. This fic grabbed me by the throat and WOULD NOT let me go. Praying for chapter 16! But the author is working on another STELLAR fic so I’m okay for now.

‘Everything or Nothing’ by CataclysmicEvent @cataclysmicevent2019 -- University AU. FUCK THIS FIC. Started reading it as I was waiting for HWHFTM to update and BOI, this fic ROCKS. The alternating POV fits so well with the enemies/idiots-to-lovers vibe. Solid 10 outta 10.

‘The City Where Wind Blows’ by @raven-rein -- Cancer Death fic. *pained shriek* AAAAAAGUUUUUUUHHHH *gasp* aaaaaaAAAAAAHHHHHHHH, FUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKK MEEEEE. THIS FIC. Only the second fic I’ve ever cried to but I BAWLED MY GODDAMN EYES OUT. FUUUUUUUCK. I was not ready, never would have been ready. This is so tremendously well done, it killed me so beautifully,

‘Haunted by Hatred’ by DeathBelle -- Canon compliant Soukoku. It is a CRIME that DeathBelle doesn’t have more BSD fics on her page, but this one is still brilliant.

Favourite moments:

THE CHUUYA-DAZAI MAFIA REUNION TEAM UP WHEN THEY FIGHT LOVECRAFT. Ooof. BOI. We love it.

The first three episodes. Soooo many break neck plot twists.

Every insane hypothetical conversation with Fiji.

Every time Atsushi or Tanizaki is on screen bc I LOVE THESE LIL BEANS.

June 2020 Trash Taste (Podcast)

Goddamn I love these chaotic lads so much.

As I became more and more comfortable with myself and my love for anime I stumbled upon these three goons, -- Joey, Connor, and Garnt, -- best known for there SUPER successful (mostly) anime YouTube channels. Even if you don’t watch anime, WATCH/LISTEN TO THIS PODCAST. The focus is mostly on their lives and the overall expat/immigrant experience, with a bit of anecdotal anime references sprinkled in.

This show is both wholesome and heathenous in equal measure, and after having lived abroad for a significant portion of my (admittedly still quite short) life, it was such a breath of fresh air to hear people talk so openly about how living outside your home country is both wonderful and terrifying. They’re wonderfully candid about the fact that even if you love a place dearly, no where is perfect, and you WILL hate somethings about your new home even if the majority of the experience is fantastic. I cannot rate this show highly enough.

Joined the fandom: June 5th 2020, loved it from the first episode. Obsession peaked: July maybe? I was RELIGIOUS about watching the episodes as soon as they came out. Still watch every week, but less “on time.” Fandom friends: None :( but I have tricked my partner in to listening several times :) Obsession faded: It’s dimmed from where it was, but still going strong. Fanfics you NEED to read: NONE. NEVER PLAN TO. Hard and fast rule, I don’t read fics about real people. Characters played by real people, even that’s a maybe for me. But real-real people? FUCK NO. (some of my) Favourite moments:

Any time Garnt and Connor get into a big-brain-monkey-brain argument and Joey is just LOSING his GODDAMN MIND in the corner.

Bringing a retired Japanese porn star in the show for an honest conversation about consensual sex work and showing people can have more than one career in life.

Everything about the, ‘Are Online Friends Real Friends?’ episode. GO WATCH IT, it’s brilliant.

Garnt making “chotto-THE-FUCKING-matte” an expression

August 2020 Great Pretender (TV Series)

Spent most of the summer marinating in my BSD and YOI bubbles, until THIS BAD BOI came up on my Netflix recommendations. HOOOO BOI. This is some Anime Of The Year shit right here. Has a pretty original concept (Catch Me If You Can by way of Oceans 11-ish) but generally starts out like most other shounen (sans the super powers). AND THEN EPISODE FIVE HAPPENS. Not gonna spoil it but they TOOK THAT SHIT UP A NOTCH. Brilliant, even with a bit of an insane ending. GO WATCH THIS ONE.

Joined the fandom: August 2020 Obsession peaked: Pretty much as soon as I started watching it. Fandom friends: What’s up Fiji ;) @lil-1nsane Obsession faded: Naturally faded, but so glad I watched Fanfics you NEED to read: None so far! Little scared about this one, heard mixed reviews, but maybe someday. Favourite moments:

Edamame’s “madness arc” at the end of season 2. HOOOO BOY.

Laurent getting fucking WRECKED when Edamame punches him mid way through season 2, kills me every time.

Introducing my partner to anime with this show.

October 2020 Attack on Titan (TV Series)

RETURN OF THE KING. lol

In my quest to find an anime that I can watch with my partner, I turned on season 1 of this bad boi. Holy hell I forgot how much I loved this show, NO WONDER everyone lost their goddamn minds when this show first aired. I NEED to catch up before all the season four spoilers come to get me...

Joined the fandom: Winter 2016 Obsession peaked: Basically as soon as I started watching it. Fandom friends: None yet, but I know you’re out there... Obsession faded: 2017, JUST BEFORE SEASON TWO... I should have stuck around longer I know, but it’s slowly coming back. Reeeeeally need to catch up on seasons two, three, and four. Fanfics you NEED to read: GIVE ME YOUR RECS HEATHENS. Favourite moments:

Watching my partner FREAK OUT about Eren’s “death.”

EVERYTHING ABOUT POTATO GORL! lol

Getting in a conversation with a die hard fan after I hadn’t watched it in three years and saying... “Who’s that blond bitch that cries all the time?”/ “Armin?”/ “THAT’S THE ONE!”

November 2020... kind of. Figure Skating (Sport)

Okay this one is a bit hard to explain.

I have been a DIE HARD figure skating for A LOOOOOONG time. My grandmother got me a hat from the 2002 Olympics in Salt Lake City and I remember watching even then. But I first became consciously aware of different skaters, my faves, etc. from about 2010. I vividly remember watching Plushenko skating in 2014 while on a school trip to Hawaii, and my friends laughing at me as I yelled at the TV.

But I didn’t TRULY get involved in the fandom side of it until this year. I had all this knowledge bottled up, but didn’t have any skating friends to talk to... UNTIL NOW. Super ironic that this happened in a year with almost NO skating, but I’ll take what I can get ;) Also did I stay up until FOUR-GODDAMN-THIRTY IN THE MORNING a few nights ago to stream Japanese Nationals on my phone??? YOU BET I DID.

Joined the fandom: Three times; 2002, 2010, and 2020. Obsession peaked: 2014? 2018? Idk it peaks any time someone does something amazing. Fandom friends: Rachel, my girl @idancewiththefairies, WHY DIDN’T I INTRODUCE YOU TO THIS SOONER??? Obsession faded: Hasn’t. Won’t. lol Fanfics you NEED to read: NOPE. NONE. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. No fanfics about real people. Never gonna change that. (some of my) Favourite moments:

Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir doing THAT routine at the 2018 Olympics.

Rachel sheepishly admitting to me that Shoma may have replaced Yuzu as her favourite, and me being SO DAMN PROUD of her for growing and developing her own skating opinions apart from me.

Yuzu’s 2012 ‘Romeo and Juliet’ routine and Worlds. THE RAW FUCKING POWER OF THAT SKATE.

Plushenko, cheeky bastard, changing his 2014 Team Event routine AS IT WAS HAPPENING.

The worlds friendliest rivalry between Yuzu and Nathan.

Any thing the Shibutani’s do, and all they do to break up the stereotype that all of Ice Dancing has to be rOmAnTiC and SeNsUaL to be good.

Watching my early faves become coaches and the D R A M A.

Honorable Mentions:

Coco (Film): I watched this the weekend I came home and I owe this movie a lot. It is so sweet an heartwarming, and it a roundabout way it brought me back to Tumblr (needed somewhere to vent my feelings considering I watched the movie a solid THREE YEARS after it came out, Tumblr seemed like the place to go lol). Watched in again in 2020 and it’s just as amazing.

Jekyll and Hyde (All media): Loved this book from the first time I read it in my first year of uni. But in December 2019, my fandom understanding reached its PEAK. The musical?? The comic?? YOOOOOO.

Dear Evan Hansen (Musical): I have BARELY engaged in fandom discourse, but the MUSIC. She fucking SLAPS.

Sirius the Jaeger (TV Series): This show is such an underrated gem. It literally has so much; "dead” family drama? Eclectic international group of monster hunters? Cowboys and vampires?? Yes, yes, and YES. And the main character has the same Japanese voice actor as Atsushi from BSD!

Studio Ghilbi (Films): My love affair with Ghibli goes back to when I was about 5 and BEGGED my mom to take me to the library so we could rent Kiki’s Delivery Service on DVD. But that love has been FULLY rejuvenated this year when I went to the Ghibli Film Festival in New York City (ironically in the last week in February). If you haven’t seen them, go watch From Up On Poppy Hill, Whisper of the Heart, and The Wind Rises. Spoilers, you’re probably gonna cry.

If you’ve made it this far, THANK YOU FOR READING!

And thank you to all the amazing people that made my 2020 not so horrible. Good riddance 2020, don’t let the door hit you on the way out!

#2020 #mental health #appreciation post #figure skating #studio ghibli #coco #attack on titan #great pretender #bungou stray dogs #trash taste #versailles tv #yuri!!! on ice #the arcana game #hazbin hotel #anime #fandom

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years ago

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Survey #389

“i’m well aware i’m a danger to myself / are you aware i’m a danger to others?”

How much do you weigh? Yeah, we're starting off on a bad foot. If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? Putting Roman's used litter in the trash. Do you think you can love someone without trusting them? Hm... I guess you could love them, but it'd be a complicated situation. What’s your opinion on people who go hunting for sport? If it's purely for sport, from the very bottom of my heart, fuck you. Do you have a fairly fast or slow internet connection? I'd say it's decently fast. Have you ever been someplace tropical? Yeah, Florida. My grandma lived there. Are you sensitive to caffeine? No. It does like... nothing to me. How do you usually get around? My mom's car. Have you ever been accused of being too clingy? No actually, but I know I kinda am. What do you think about Kim Kardashian? I don't have an opinion of her. Can you speak any French? No. Favorite yogurt flavor? The only yogurt I've been liking lately is cookies and cream to add a different texture, because otherwise, I don't like its natural texture very much??? Idk man, my taste buds are wild. How much money do you have in your wallet right now? Just like $5. What bottled water brand do you like? Essentia. Your favorite way to eat chocolate? As chocolate bars, probably. How often do you listen to country music? Like, never. Linkin Park or Avenged Sevenfold? Linkin Park. Last surgery you had? Pilonidal cyst removal. Have you ever played guitar? I briefly took classes for it in high school, yes. Best I got to was playing some of the intro to "Crazy Train." I enjoyed it, but not enough to be consistent and really learn. Is there someone in your life whose career/life choices you find immoral/unethical? Have you ever told that person your views? Do you find it difficult to support them (emotionally or otherwise) because of their choices? I don't think so? What trait do you feel you lack that you wish you possessed? Independence and confidence would be nice... Have you ever considered writing your memoirs? No. Do you find it difficult to stay invested in online relationships? God no. I love my online friends. Half of 'em more than "irl" ones. Are you the type of person who pays close attention to the release dates of movies, music, etc., and will, for example, go see a movie or buy an album on the date it is released? If so, when is the last time you did so? I have to be VERY invested in it to care THAT much. It happened most recently when Meerkat Manor: Rise of the Dynasty premiered. Do you have any stickers on your laptop? No. Would you rather have a job for which you had to go in early in the morning or one you had to stay late into the evening at? Early in the morning. I'm in a better mood in the morning. Do you use any apps to track your health or medications? I have a calorie-counting app, as well as one to track my period. Whose opinions/recommendations do you value most? My mom's, best friend's, and psychiatrist's. If you could’ve been at any historical event, which would you have liked to witness firsthand? I don't really know. Maybe the very first Pride event? Is there something that you really want to do but are afraid of doing? If so, why are you afraid of doing it? Ride a rollercoaster, for one. I know I never will, though. I'm too afraid of throwing up, but even more realistically, I fear passing out before of the twisting and turning and just standing up makes me very dizzy. My blood pressure is STUPID low. What is something society “expects” you to do that you don’t want to do and/or don’t plan on doing? Have kids. That's a big 'ole fat no from me. Have Jehovah's Witnesses ever come to your door? Twice at least. Are you well-known by people in your area? No. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? No, thank Christ. It sounds terrifying. What's your favourite type of bird? Barn owls. Melanistic ones, to be exact. Stunning. What tv show(s) have you been watching currently? I'm only keeping up with Meerkat Manor: Rise of the Dynasty. Have you ever dated a smoker? For less than a day. Do you share a middle name with any of your siblings? Yes. Have you ever been a member in a band? No. Besides the school band. Can you cry on command? If so, have you ever used it to your advantage? No. Do you have separate emails for personal and business? No. Have you ever missed a flight? Yes. Have you ever seen a lunar eclipse? Multiple times. Have you ever taken a ride in a convertible? I think once with my brother. Why did you last need to use a band-aid? I'unno. What fruit do you eat most often? Apples. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? My ma. Has someone ever tried to start an argument with you over Facebook? What happened? A few times. I don't feel like thinking over this. Have you ever had an unusual type of milk (eg. oat, rice, almond)? I've tried almond milk, and I hated it. If you could experience life as a Disney princess for a week, which princess would you pick and why? uhhhhhh idk When you’re at home, do you spend most of your time in your room? I'm essentially always in my room. If you like to sleep in late, have your parents ever told you off for doing so? No. Do you find piercings attractive? Yep. Do you like potato chips? Loooove 'em. What’s the most stalker-like/creepy thing you’ve ever done? If you don’t think you’ve done anything like that, what’s the most stalker-like thing someone’s done to you? Nothing beyond checking Jason's Facebook sometimes after the breakup, I think. Even that though I wouldn't recommend doing. You're just going to get yourself hurt. Stay away from exes' profiles. Do you think it’s a double standard that a woman can hit a man and expect to get away with it, but if a man hits a woman it’s assault? Yep. I don't give a fuck what's in your pants, you don't hit anybody unless you're fighting to defend yourself. What’s your favorite old Disney movie and favorite new Disney movie? I mean... define "old." I'll go with The Lion King for old, and for new, uh... Finding Dory, probs. Name something “trendy” or popular that you dislike. I don't really know what IS trendy right now... Is Snapchat still "in?" Because I've never gotten that. “Dirty talk” in the bedroom…love it, like it, don’t care, dislike it, or hate it? I think I'm kinda neutral about it? Like I mean it also depends on exactly what is said. I prefer more loving talk, though. What is/are your favorite type(s) of ethnic food, and what’s your favorite food within that type? I'm a basic fatass that likes American cuisine most, aha... Like give me a cheeseburger and I'm happy lmao. How would you describe your relationship with your hair over the years? I love it more now at a short length than I ever did long. When it was long and I was in my deepest depression, I was awful about brushing it. It would get so knotted. Like looking back, it nearly makes me shiver. I HIGHLY recommend cutting your hair for anyone who struggles with selfcare. How do you feel about your SO daily/regularly checking up on a couple of his exes on social media? I'm single, but hypothetically, if you're checking an ex's page nearly every day, I would not be okay with that. I'm totally fine with exes remaining friends and just cordially talking now and again, but that's it. It's a respect thing. Do you prefer your guy to wear cologne or not? I personally like cologne if it's not overwhelming. I really don't care if you wear it or not, though. Ladies, how important is it to you that your SO wears/would wear a wedding ring? This survey is so heteronormative. But anyway, unless there was an issue like it not fitting, I'd want my spouse to wear their ring. What was the turning point that led you to decide for or against having children? There are a lot of reasons I don't want kids. I'm too selfish with my "me" time, I stress out too easily, I don't want to dedicate my life to keeping another person alive and fed and happy, I have bad genes... I could go on and on. I just wouldn't be a good, "present" enough mom. I am much more interested in ensuring *I* am okay. Is having your “dream” wedding really that important to have? Not at all. I mean I want a smooth and memorable wedding, but I'm not obsessed with it being perfect. Do you consider it cheating if your SO goes to a strip club and then doesn’t tell you? That's certainly not cheating, but I wouldn't like it. Being secretive about anything in a relationship is unhealthy, imo. I'd be hurt and also very insecure because I wouldn't feel like "enough." How old is too old for trick-or-treating? Honestly? I don't think you ever are. Like come on, does it REALLY matter? Let people have fun. I don't do it because of societal standards, but I would if I didn't care about being judged. Do you sleep with your arms over or under the covers? It depends on the temperature, but I normally wake up with them under. Do you own any t-shirts of your favorite band? I have an Ozzy one stored somewhere, but it doesn't fit me now. There was another I really liked too, but that one is WAY too small now. Fries or onion rings? Fries. I'm not a fan of onion rings. True/False: you’ve had an odd dream this week. Story of my life. I had one last night where I kept dying in different ways, and I actually felt the pain, like drowning in magma. Do you find tattoo sleeves attractive? YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Do you like carving pumpkins? Yeah. What’s an animal you want to have as a pet but can’t? My mom has absolutely forbidden me to get a tarantula (uh, many tarantulas in my case) until I move out, lol. That doesn't stop me from checking Craigslist like every day. ;_; Have your parents ever caught you drinking? "Caught," no. Any time I've drunk, I've had permission or was a legal adult by then. How would you react if your celebrity crush came to your door? First be humiliated at my appearance and then absolutely pass out lmao. Has your mom/dad ever walked in on you kissing or anything more with someone? No, thank fuck. The person you have a crush on is drunk and goes to kiss you, you know they don’t realize what they’re doing, but do you kiss anyways? If I know it's something they wouldn't do sober, absolutely not. What would you prefer to get from a guy/girl: flowers, a hand written poem, a picture he drew of you or a nice night out? Any would be lovely, but the poem would appeal most to me because of the amount of thought that goes into poetry. Do you any shirts with any kind of images of food on them? What? I don't think so, no. Which holiday is the most fun to decorate for? Halloween. What was the first website you had an email account on? Yahoo. Have you ever written a fanfic? No. Tattoos or piercings? Both are grand, but tats win. What’s the last gross movie/show/video you saw? I saw this picture of a snake split open that had eaten another snake. Would you rather live in a huuuge house or a little cozy one? Lil cozy one! I don't want more space than is needed for cleaning reasons, as well as price. Do you have a tutor for anything? No. Who’s the best kisser you know? Jason was. Has anyone ever threatened you with a knife? No. I'd like it to stay that way. (If you’re a girl) Has anyone ever called you "shortie" instead of girl? Ew, no. Do you have a deep voice? For a woman, yes. Do you play games with boys/girls, like 'hard to get’? Hi, I'm an adult. Is there a Sonic where you live? YES. It's my fave fast-food place. What do you like on your pizza? I have three go-tos depending on my mood: Pepperoni, jalapenos, or meat lovers.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''leave a scar'' by marilyn manson

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malzenn · 4 years ago

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Back with more analysis, this time, it’s A Song Written Easily, again, not really focusing on the overall story, but just looking at the pieces that may be useful later when I try to piece together the whole story.

Flowers In ASWE

All the information I have found regarding these flowers is from the internet, and it anything is wrong, I’m sorry, I’m not an expert on flowers and their meanings.

Ravn - White crysanthemum

- Symbolises condolences

- However, because of reasons, this flowers has multiple different meanings, such as: purity (especially white ones), spirituality, loyalty and honesty

- In Asia they can symbolise health and happiness, while in western Europe, they can symbolise truth

- Has medicinal purposes

Seoho - Paprika Yarrow

Turns out his wasn’t a paprika yarrow but a different variety, however, I can’t remember what it was so I’m leaving the mistake in here, have fun, however, finding information on paprika yarrow specifically was n o t happening, so I used yarrow in general

- It has healing properties and can slow or stop blood flow

- While healing, also is a reminder to protect yourself

- Associated with Achilles

- Also means lasting love and to nurture your love

- Supposed to represent good luck and success

- Aries

- Also low maintenance

Leedo - Safflower

- Represents attractiveness to others, good luck and love

- Associated with happiness and marriage

- Also low maintenance but needs plenty of sunlight

- Associated with Leo (Leedo is also a Leo, this was a fun lil’ coincidence)

- I really couldn’t find much on this wee flower

Keonhee - Daylily

- As the name suggests, this flower only blooms for one day (is it connected to him getting d u s t e d? More at 10)

- Frequently associated with the Virgin Mary

- Common meanings are: innocence, purity, perfection and honesty

- Orange or yellow daylilies often symbolise joy, love, courage, beauty and devotion, while darker oranges suggest a deeper passion

- As they don’t last long, they are also a symbol of flirtation, as that too doesn’t typically last

- Also has negative connotations, as the flower doesn’t last long, it can be a symbol of forgetfulness or memory loss, this can be turned positive as it can help you forget painful memories

Hwanwoong - Alstreomeria

- Friendship, love, strength and devotion

- This can be given to a loved one to mean “I’ve got your back” and suggests mutual support

- Each petal has a meaning, these are: understanding, empathy, patience, commitment, humour, and respect

- This flower has no scent, which is kinda rare

- As with other flowers, colour is important, white has connotations of love, strength, support and once again, purity, while red is passion and love, it’s a way to say I love you without red roses

- Victorian flower language often associated this flower with sympathy and condolences

- This flower also has the meaning of overcoming difficulties and following your dream

Xion - Delphinium

- This flower is about reaching for your goals and trying to achieve them, as well as expanding your options in order to gain new opportunities

- Also is connected to scorpions because apparently, it wards against them, like it symbolises protection because it defends against scorpions, how? Idfk

- Some people plant this in memory of a lost one

- This flower is also used to kill internal parasites, fun fact, because warding off scorpions wasn’t enough for this plant, however, too much can kill as it causes blood pressure to go lower

- It also is about enjoying the brighter side of life.

Keonhee

I will be making posts about each Oneus member and their role within the overarching story, I just need to put the pieces together first.

However, considering Keonhee’s flower is one that has an incredibly short lifespan, and he disappears, I’m fairly certain there is a connection, especially since the next scene is Ravn collapsing.

This makes me think that Ravn may be connected to Keonhee’s disappearance. (Next MV I will be analysing is Valkyrie because Keonhee also is disappearing there). However, theories as to why he disappears is going to be its own post.

Another important thing to note about Keonhee, before I move on, he’s the only one where the plants around him are edited to be red, while red has many meanings, passion, love, anger etc, I think the important one is danger, mainly because he disappears, which doesn’t seem safe, idk tho.

Hwanwoong

We’re looking at Hwanwoong’s eyes as the MV moves from the city to the oceans or mountains, which gives me main character vibes, or at least, we’re getting the story from his POV, in general though, he does have main character vibes, especially in TBONTB

Ravn

He starts off with his flowers, while the other members find them during the MV and pick them up, he has his from the beginning and drops it later. The flowers are supposed to mean a new or fresh start, so could this be Ravn sacrificing his fresh start? Possibly, especially since he’s The Hanged Man and Ravn does not know what being subtle is, it makes my job easier I suppose.

Seoho

He has a scene where sand is slipping through his fingers, sand is connected to time as sand slips from your fingers, so does time from your life. In dreams, sand falling can suggest that you’re running out of time. Depending on where this song falls on the timeline, this could mean that they're running out of time before they wake up in TBONTB

Waves

In general, represents forthcoming events/occasions/threats

Silently watching the waves indicate that there’s hidden emotions eg. someone you love a lot but cannot express feelings for. Hwanwoong is watching the clam waves, which could indicate that he’s hiding something, which means it’s something I have to try to figure out.

High crashing waves represent overwhelming emotions that threaten to drown a person. This might point in the direction of why Leedo became a fallen angel (I will have a whole post about Leedo being a fallen angel, but this isn’t exactly a new theory). So I believe it was probably his actions but not necessarily his fault.

Especially since Leedo is blurred, whatever overtook or overpowered him was strong.

#oneus #oneus theory #mv analysis #ravn #seoho #leedo #Hwanwoong #keonhee #Xion #oneus ravn #oneus seoho #oneus leedo #oneus hwanwoong #oneus keonhee #oneus xion #a song written easily #a song written easy theory #keonhee getting dusted #mal analyses

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sleepless-in-starbucks · 5 years ago

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Area 51: The Raid

Based on this post: https://strickenwithclairvoyance.tumblr.com/post/186397436216/uh-fbiarea-51-au-wherein-virgil-is-logans-fbi Warnings: Gun mentions, (very) mild swearing, Logan being very very sassy, Virgil has Big Crush (tell me if I should add anything!) Pairing: Analogical Author’s note: Should I write a part two for this? Idk. I trust y’all who read it to tell me what to do. Tags for those who asked: @strickenwithclairvoyance @an-absolute-failure

Virgil stifled a yawn, keeping his grip on his gun while he raised his free hand to cover his mouth. Patrol duty. Most boring job in the roster.

Well, that wasn’t completely true. Until recently, FBI monitoring had been fun. He only had one charge at the moment, since he was also on the patrol schedule, and he was always interesting. Whether he was searching up something crazy sounding enough Virgil almost should have called it in, or performing an experiment with his laptop open and catching every explosion and success, Logan Berry was exciting to watch.

Within the past few weeks, however, things had drastically changed. Logan was on his laptop less and less, and when he was on, it was for mundane searches. He had even taped over his camera, leaving Virgil only to watch his search history, which sucked.

Not that he missed seeing that cute, concentrated face- no, that would be a conflict of interest. He’d be reassigned. He was just annoyed that he couldn’t see if Logan was building a bomb or anything.

Yep. Perfectly understandable work reasons.

He hadn’t been on at all for the last three days, and Virgil had been trying to pretend he wasn’t, since he was his only ticket out of extra patrols. He had avoided getting more placements in the schedule, but he couldn’t hide behind his screen for forever.

At the very least, Virgil figured, it was a historic day to be on patrol. September twentieth. The day the internet said it would storm the base. Not that he believed it, but the way some of the younger soldiers buzzed by him with nervous energy was an amusing sight.

Virgil had just risked a glance at his watch- fifteen minutes left before his break- when he heard the squeal of warning sirens. Glancing up, he saw the lights had flashed on as well.

He scrambled to pull out his communicator, the screen lighting up with an impossible number of red dots. Enemies on the horizon.

Or, in this case, internet browsers who did not fear death.

Warnings were blaring alongside reminders that this was a shoot on-sight base, and to not hesitate to pull the trigger. Numbers and codes and squadrons were listed off on where they were to go. Virgil practically deflated in relief when he heard his section was called to defend the interior of the base.

He didn’t want to shoot anyone- Virgil was an agent who mostly watched a monitor all day and complained about walking; he could kill but he really would rather not. Keeping that in mind, Virgil picked a random hallway, heading down it until he found one that dead-ended in a huge, metal door with three different types of locks on it.

Virgil nodded as he stationed himself in front of the door. No one would be getting down here.

After a few minutes, the sirens shut off, the lights still flashing in warning. At the end of the hall, it was nearly dead silent as the red light bounced on and off of him. Virgil didn’t like this corner very much, but if it meant no dealing with people, he could work with it.

Apparently, he had been too assured of his spot too soon. In the silent hall, the sound of metal cracking from above rang out like gunfire. Virgil aimed his weapon in the direction of the noise, training kicking in and stopping him from shaking as the movement stopped somewhere only a few feet in front of him. The sound of metal clanging against metal sounded loudly before a vent cover fell down and crashed in front of Virgil.

He was proud to say he barely flinched as he held his gun at the opening.

After a moment of silence, someone dropped down from the ducts, swinging off the edge and hitting the ground so flawlessly Virgil thought a leaf dropping to the ground would have been louder. Whoever they were, they were facing the wrong direction, allowing Virgil to only see the brown-yellow cape they were sporting.

Virgil tightened his grip but didn’t say anything. If they started walking away, he’d call them out, but for the moment he treasured the possible element of surprise.

The stranger stood in place for a moment, seemingly getting their bearings, before their cape began to swirl as they turned towards Virgil. He adjusted his grip on the gun one final time as they faced him, hood of their cloak in their eyes.

“Hold still! Put your hands on your head and do not move!” Virgil barked automatically. The stranger jerked, clearly startled, before calmly doing as they were told. Virgil gestured with his weapon.

“If it makes you feel better, sir, I’m not armed.” The stranger told him, voice surprisingly controlled. “Got a smoke bomb on my hip if you want that.”

Virgil knew he probably should have taken it, but the stranger seemed to understand the chance of him getting shot was high enough the risk to grab the bomb wouldn’t be worth it. He gestured with his weapon. “Lose the hood.”

The stranger nodded curtly in understanding, slowly raising his hands a few inches to hook the edge of the hood with his thumbs, flicking it off before placing his hands back down on perfectly slicked back, dark brown hair.

Virgil’s eyes widened. “Logan?”

Logan’s eyes widened as well. “Excuse me, do I know you?”

“Uh, no, you wouldn’t.” Virgil responded, shaking his head once, trying to focus on the situation. “What the Hell are you doing breaking in here?”

“Research study.” Logan responded.

“To see how fast you can get shot?”

“To see what technology and, possibly, what sort of life the government has access to.” Logan responded evenly. “This is a serious inquiry. I wish you’d treat it as such.”

Virgil smirked, trying not to laugh. He knew Logan could be a little crazy sometimes when it came to his studies, but this? This was a whole new level. “I’m not the one in a dirt cape at gunpoint.”

Logan frowned and looked almost disappointed in Virgil. “Please, agent, it’s a sand cape. Blends in with the desert outside your door.”

“Oh, so it’s ‘agent’, now?” Virgil asked, cocking an eyebrow. “What happened to ‘sir?’” “I realized you weren’t worthy of the title.”

“Oof.” Virgil responded mockingly. “That hurt.”

Logan didn’t respond for a moment, the edge of his mouth slowly turning up. “You’re not like the other soldiers here, are you?”

Virgil scoffed. “You trying to flirt with me?”

Logan rolled his eyes. “I just meant you seem to actually have a brain. Of the twenty other guards I’ve passed, they just shot whatever they saw. You’re asking questions. Even if they are rather moronic questions…”

“Technically they’re just doing their jobs.” Virgil replied, marveling at the nerd’s nerve given he had a gun pointed in his (cute) face. “I’m breaking the law by not shooting you, actually.”

“And I’m breaking the law by being here.” Logan matched in a tone that suggested Virgil should get in the rule-breaking line.

“So I noticed.”

Logan’s smile grew a little bit, still cocky despite the gun, and Virgil wondered if his computer camera had been dirty, because despite seeing that smile in a million different variations this one somehow seemed to be making him blush. “What are you going to do now?”

Virgil tilted his head. “What do you mean?”

“You can’t take me in, since I’m supposed to be shot on sight.” Logan answered. “And know I mean it as a compliment when I say you don’t look like you’re going to do that.”

Virgil resisted the urge to curse and lose what little control of the situation he had. “Say I’m not.” He settled for after a moment. “What do I do then?”

Logan nodded behind Virgil, where the heavy, guarded door waited. “Can I assume you don’t have the clearance to get that open?”

“...You can.”

“Care to see what’s behind it anyways?” Logan asked. “I’ve got all the tools we’ll need.”

“Logan, are you asking me to betray my government?”

Logan frowned. “Okay, it’s still weird you know my name.”

Virgil laughed sheepishly. “Uh, let’s just say all those jokes about FBI agents watching you might not just be jokes.”

“That’s… quite the coincidence.” Logan said after a moment. “Though I guess switching my research to a more secure device was not a mistake after all.”

“I was wondering why you disappeared. Area fifty-one prep?”

Logan nodded.

“Should’ve guessed.” Virgil admitted with a chuckle. “Man, you did a lot of weird experiments over the years. You should be happy I didn’t bring you in.”

“That might have been interesting, actually.” Logan responded. “Though I do feel I’m at a disadvantage, given you know not only my name but… well, quite a good bt about my life, I assume.”

“If it helps, I’m new to your case.” Virgil said with a shrug. “Two years, now, I think? Still plenty of crazy crap to watch, though.”

Logan smirked. “Ah, yes, because two years is such a short, insignificant amount of time to have been relentlessly watching someone.”

Dammit he’s sarcastic too

Virgil smirked back, ignoring his internal monologue. “I can offer my name, if it’ll please you.”

“Nothing pleases me.”

“Great, we’ll get along swell.” Virgil responded in stride. “I’m Virgil.”

“Well, then, Virgil, now that we’re clearly so close, would you do me the honor of not pointing that gun at me and allowing me to break into your secret facility even more?” Logan asked, not even close to sounding like he meant it.

Virgil hesitated for a moment, hefting his gun uncertainly, before he lowered it back into the ready-to-aim position. “Certainly.”

A wide, genuine smile of curiosity and scientific excitement broke out on Logan’s face at that as he pulled his hands off his head, already brushing past Virgil as he pulled something out of a pocket within the cloak. “Glad to see you’re not completely mindless.”

“Why is it that your every sentence is an attack?” Virgil inquired as he turned to watch the hallway, not sure what he’d do if one of his coworkers appeared.

“Just the amount of material I have to work with.” Logan replied cheekily as something beeped. “Also, your fingerprint scanner? It’s a joke.”

“Area fifty-one has to get its humor in somewhere.”

Another beep. “Same goes to your card scanner. Never heard of chip replication via scant tracing?”

Virgil was happy to be facing away from Logan, deciding he didn’t need to embrasses himself before his crus- uh, before a civilian by how utterly confused he looked. “I guess not.”

Logan hummed, a few more quiet noises sounding before an obnoxiously wrong beep sounded. “Of course, save the worst for last…” Logan muttered.

Virgl risked a glance backwards, finding Logan frowning at a keypad. “Need some help?”

Logan turned to face him, raising an eyebrow. “From someone competent, perhaps.”

Virgil rolled his eyes as he walked over to the door, examining the pad. It was simple, sleek, and not meant to leave any prints behind to help a couple of lawbreakers get in. There were no notes on it, either, so no password hints.

Frowning, Virgil thought back to a few months ago when his supervisor had been bragging about being important enough to be trusted with programming the new keypads across the building. He tried to think of what his tool of a boss would have made the code.

After a moment, Virgil had an idea. Punching in the numbers, he felt Logan’s eyes over his shoulder as he hit enter. For a second, nothing happened as the numbers were processed.

And then… a happy beep and the loud click of the door’s deadbolt sliding out of place rang through the hall. Virgil grinned.

“One-eighteen-five-one-five-one?” Logan repeated as Virgil pulled away from the door, glancing behind him once more.

“Area fifty-one in all numbers.” Virgil explained. “I know the dude who set this system up. To put it lightly, he’s a fool.”

“Lucky for us, eh?” Logan asked, glancing down the hall as well. “Plus, it has proven your worth to this study.”

“You can stop calling it a study, you know.” Virgil teased. “It’s clearly just revolution with a chance to see aliens.”

“You mock my study.” Logan replied. “That’s our mission statement.”

Virgil snorted on reflex, covering his mouth immediately afterwards. “You don’t say?”

Before Logan could respond, the sound of stomping boots and quietly shouted orders carried down the hall. From what Virgil could tell, its source wasn’t too far away.

“You’ve got to hurry up if you don’t want to get caught.” Virgil warned him, taking a few more steps backwards as he raised his gun slightly. “I can try and distract them-”

Virgil stopped when he felt Logan tugging at his arm, pulling him towards the door and forcing him to lower his gun once more. When he looked questioningly at Logan, the clever civilian just rolled his eyes. “I’ve deemed you an asset to this study, I’m not about to lose you to distraction duty.”

Despite the seriousness of their situation, Virgil couldn’t help but smile and tease, “Aw, Logan, you care about me that much?”

Virgil had expected another sarcastic remark, not Logan glancing away with what he could have sworn was a blush on his cheeks as he responded, “Just hurry up before I change my mind.”

Virgil spared one last glance behind them, the sound of marching soldiers not getting any farther away. “Alright, alright, just open the door.”

Logan nodded, grabbing the metal handle and twisting it hard as he pushed. The door didn’t budge. He briefly tried to pull it, only to find even more resistance. Logan huffed as he pushed again, putting his shoulder to the door this time, only barely getting a gap.

Virgil looked back to see Logan failing to shove the door open. “You got it?”

“Your… stupid government door… is excessively… heavy.” Logan responded in between grunts as he managed to get a minor gap to open. Getting worried about how loud the soldiers were getting, Virgil moved to put his shoulder against the door as well, surprised by how heavy it was.

“You’re right.” Virgil agreed after a moment as the door slowly slid more and more open, inch by inch, the words of the general ordering the approaching troop almost close enough to be understood.

“I know.” Logan said, somehow managing the quip despite the effort he was putting into just getting the door open. Virgil tried not to focus on that as he heard the sound of guns clicking, the steps almost right outside the hall-

All of a sudden, Logan was tapping his shoulder as he slipped through the just barely wide enough gap, signaling to Virgil to hurry and follow.

“Halt! On orders of the US government-”

Virgil slipped in after him before he could hear the end of the sentence, the door slamming shut and blocking out any sound from behind. The passage they were in now was dimly lit, the lights in emergency mode, and Virgil could just barely make out the figure of an impatient Logan waiting a few feet away, waving for him to follow him deeper into the tunnel of mystery.

Virgil took a second to turn back towards the door, it apparently as thick as it was heavy for all the noises he could hear through it (none). Turning back, Logan was waving even more demandingly.

With another heft of his gun, the only thing currently familiar to him, Virgil acquiesced to his demands.

No turning back now.

#ts logan #ts virgil #analogical #ts sides #sander sides #area 51 #fanfic #fanfiction #gun mentions #sass #crushes

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kattipatang · 5 years ago

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Idk what I’m doing lol... but life’s a mess

Back in the day I wrote out my entire life story and it gave me a lot of clarity and resolve. Nearly a decade later, I am going to do the same in hopes that I find some self-healing. Perhaps I can also validate my feelings so I don’t feel like I am entirely crazy for feeling the way I feel. FYI for those who know me, please note that (to my knowledge) I have removed my pictures and mentions of my name from this blog and do not wish to be identified at this moment. I would appreciate it if you could respect that.

I’m going to start all the way back in 2010. I came out as gay while I was in high school. I was met with a wave of support and love from students and faculty, except for a select few homophobes. However, if I thought they were bad, things were about to get much worse.

In early July 2010, I was awakened by my mother at 3am in the morning. This was very unusual, and the look on her face was one of pain and grief. She led me into a secluded room of the house where my uncle (her brother) sat waiting, my phone placed on the counter in front of him. My mom and father and gotten divorced after an abusive marriage, and we had moved in with my uncle and his family when I was 11 years old. Therefore, my uncle was a father figure for me.

I was made to sit down in between them, and the interrogation began. They had gone through my phone and found texts I sent to my friends, talking about my sexuality, and they claimed that they had also found out through the grapevine. I was yelled at by my uncle. He asked perverse and inappropriate questions about my sexuality, with dramatic monologues about how I am bringing shame to our immaculate family name that would put some of Bollywood’s most melodramatic moments to shame. All this occurred while my mother sat and silently weeped. Two hours of emotional and verbal abuse later I was sent back to bed.

The next morning, my uncle took my mom and disappeared for hours. Turns out they had gone to the doctor to discuss my situation, and a wave of relief washed over me. “Thank God,” I thought, “at least this person will see reason.”

I was wrong.

My uncle and mother came back hours later and took me with them to the car. My uncle leading, me behind him, and my mother closing in on me behind me. This would be the formation that would take place if we ever stepped out from here on out. For the next week, I had no cell phone, no access to the landline, no computer, no internet, all my friends were gone away for the summer - I was completely isolated.

Anyway, they drove me to the doctor’s office in the late afternoon, which I found odd because the office would have been closed by now. Sure enough, when we arrived at the clinic, there was a “Closed” sign on the door. However, my uncle opened it and lead me inside, with my mother following after me.

I was taken straight through the empty clinic - even the receptionist had gone home, so there was no record of my visit - and I was led into the doctor’s office, where he sat waiting for me. I walked in alone and the door was shut behind me.

What followed was a series of pseudo-scientific explanations as to how I’m mentally ill, disturbed and perverted. “This is a sickness,” he said. “God didn’t intend you to be this way.”

He added that this was probably because I don’t maintain a relationship with my father and was raised by a single mother, and I just need to “learn to be a man.” “And if you like anal sex, you know you can do that with a woman too you know?”

I was dejected. Destraught. Absolutely destroyed on the inside. A person I thought to be a voice of reason, was spewing the same judgemental ignorant rhetoric my uncle was. The irony makes me laugh though nine years later, because this year his wife discovered that he had been sleeping with a patient for the past several years. What a morally strong man…

The rest of the week is a bit of a blur. I disassociated myself for most of it. However the gist of it was my uncle interrogated me to see who I had sex with, my mother became suicidal, and my uncle became homicidal.

At one point he made explicit threats to my life, and I had to do an internal inventory. I can’t afford to run away and live on my own, I don’t want my mom to die, and I don’t want to get killed. So, I bit the bullet and basically faked a “recovery” to keep the peace. I had had enough of the emotional and mental abuse and manipulation from my uncle and just wanted some reprise.

I have a cousin I am extremely close with who I am out to. He lives out of province, and he was and is the biggest ally I have in my life. When he found out what was happening to me, he called my uncle. My uncle said something that concerned him, so he told me to fly out and stay with him for the duration of the summer until it was time for me to go back to school.

I did so and it was an amazing time. However, during that trip I also learned of how twisted my uncle’s brain truly was. He had told my cousin multiple ways in which he wanted to “deal with the mess” including murder, forced re-allocation and isolation, and he even wanted to hire a female sex worker to come rape me.

That stunned me, and I have never had a proper relationship with my uncle since.

Years went by, and it appeared as though the situation had been swept under the rug. My plan was to save up enough to one day pack my bags and leave, never to look back again. My mother and uncle were super close and he could have easily taken care of her in my absence.

That plan, however, was put on halt when the elders in the family decided that my mother should finally have a house of her own, a dream she had always had but never experienced. However, that would not be possible if I didn’t step up and help pay a portion of the mortgage. In actuality, I was given no choice either, so I put a stone on my heart and sacrificed my personal freedom so I could give my mother the comfort she deserves.

During the construction of the house though, everything went to shit. One day at the job site, a construction worker made fun of my more gentle mannerisms and began to make homophobic jokes. My uncle overheard and that was just the fodder he needed to begin making my life a living hell all over again.

From early 2016 until today, my uncle has been emotionally and mentally abusing me and anyone who will stick up for me. My mother would defend me, and he began to emotionally and mentally abuse her too.

I am stuck in the shittiest circumstance. My uncle and mother are waiting with bated breath to see what I do next.

My mother wants me to get married to a woman, something I will never do. My uncle WANTS me to flat out come out so he can further torture me verbally and/or physically, and make a spectacle out of my mother for having the audacity to speak up against his abusive tendencies.

And I honestly don’t know what the fuck I should do. On one hand, I refuse to marry a woman to please society. On the other hand, when I come out, my mother will want to have nothing to do with me, and with me gone, my uncle (and my aunt has joined the squad now) will have free reign to torture and harrass my mother. On top of that my mom won’t be able to make payments for the house, the house will be foreclosed, and my mom and sister will be forced to live on the streets, or move back in with my abusive uncle.

Just this past week while I was out of the house, my uncle came over to taunt my mother, because he knows he's emotionally vulnerable and won’t stick up for herself. He came over and told her that she’s basically unwanted and uncared for. That the people around her are going to treat her like a laughing stock. That no one is society will talk to her or say anything good about her because her son is a fag who will ruin the family izzat.

Izzat is something he is HELLBENT about. Back in the day when my mom was about to start college, he cornered her before she was about to leave the house and said “No one knows you for who you are, they know you as my sister. So if you fuck around with any guys whatsoever, I’m going to slit your throat and kill myself.” *slow clap for the amazing pep talk*

I am fucking exhausted. For the past nine years I have been surviving, not living. I go day in day out afraid for my life, afraid for what the future holds for my mother and sister. I’m afraid that something may happen to me, and no one will know and he will continue to live his life showing himself to be this perfect human who can never do any wrong.

However, I refuse to let that happen. Even if it’s the last thing I do, one day I am going to expose him and his truth to the world. He taunted my mother saying no one will care for her? Everyone is going to remember my mother for the beautiful soul that she is. It’s HIM that is going to be shunned by society for being the manipulative abusive psychopath that he is.

Everything is going to be made public one day. Crystal clear. Bright as day. I will make an example out of him, that if you around manipulating and abusing people for your little-man-syndrome/false pride, this is how you will be publicly disgraced and humiliated.

Until then, I need to go seek therapy, heal myself, and get ready to fight for not just my life, but for the sake of my mother and my sister. I had finally gotten to a point where I was actually excited to wake up in the morning. But now I’m back in that mental hole where when as soon as I wake up a wave of dread sweeps over me and I wish I hadn’t woken up. I would be lying if I said I have a will to live. However, I also refuse to do anything that would put my mother at risk for more abuse.

The thing that frustrates me the most is that while all this happened, NOTHING changed in my life. My struggle remained the same. As people zoom by me in life, getting amazing opportunities, running businesses, finding amazing life partners, just living their best life, I’m standing here like my legs are stuck in a block of cement. Feeling like I’m broken, lost, unworthy, unlovable, undesirable, and a failure.

Until I can do something, I could really use all the prayers I could get.

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x-rds · 2 years ago

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[Lio] Tetsu is dealing with some shit because we had someone on a different blog of mine interact who had a big huge dni list and his source was on it. Which is like. I only casually interact with his source at all, and I kinda get it, but - he’s feeling a little fucked up about it?

[Tetsu] Yeah idk. I’m just upset because like, I guess I do see my source as “me” in a sense you know? And seeing people cast a moral judgment of me based on who I am but not technically who I am at all really sucks. I feel shitty and gross and it’s making me not like myself. Obviously I am not anything that my source has done (and tbh, like, I don’t think it’s a case of any real actual harmful shit, just content/jokes that people might find a little weird or contentious in a normie internet humor way, at least as far as I’m aware, I could be wrong) but I also still have that connection to, y’know, this is where I came from, this is who I am, and I’m already struggling with the whole factive shit where I can tell it’s a hella touchy subject for people.

And I get it y’know, people obviously should be allowed to make boundaries about literally whatever the fuck they want. But man it sucks feeling like people hate you without even knowing you. What do I even do about that, you know? Just change who I am entirely on a base level, even though I’m pretty sure that ain’t possible when I literally came into existence like a few months ago and this is all I have? I’m already doing shit all the time to hide myself? Because yeah, I DO know that there are some people who would treat me like shit, I do know those people would treat the other guys in here like shit, even if most people either wouldn’t care or would understand that I’m something separate but also still have that history with my source, I don’t want to have to expose myself or others to that. I already go out of my way to try and make the now-me someone different because it’s better for everyone involved if I do.

And that’s my choice by the way, I wasn’t harassed into it by anyone else and I wasn’t shamed for being who I am but I was informed about the situation and I was free to make the choice on how I wanted to adapt, and this was it. But it just sucks to think that yeah, even doing all this to make myself a unique person, I still feel hurt and I’m affected when people judge the place I came from.

Also part of it is, I think everyone in here has different thoughts on who we are and why we’re here, and in my opinion I’m here as a psychological phenomenon. I can pinpoint the exact situation I exist to help the overall brain cope with. I’m meant to be a positive force, a fun guy, I brought in my source’s positive experiences because that’s what was needed and I’m cool with that and it doesn’t mean I’m less of a person, but it does mean that I feel more shitty about feeling shitty because that’s not what I was supposed to be here for.

[Lio] I’m going to be honest, this is not a ‘you’ thing. This is a systemwide thing and if you look at our system on a meta-scale you’ll see a very common pattern of the brain needing something, introjecting someone who can perform that job, but then because they don’t exist in a vacuum they tend to get deeper selfhood - which is a good thing, I feel, but it leads to them ending up being affected by the brain’s issues and/or their own issues in a way that sort of ‘neutralizes’ their ability to do the job the brain summoned them for and then they often feel upset at this. And I don’t think they usually are genuinely failing their assigned job, they just aren’t hyperfocused on it anymore because they became more intricate people. Not to say your feelings on this are incorrect or aren’t significant, but rather to make the point that you aren’t alone in this and it’s an issue that comes up time and again for us. I mean shit dude, I was a big angry protector facet who only fronted to defend us for years before I got my own individual selfhood and a big pile of mental problems on top of it.

[Tetsu] Aight well. I guess that’s fair lol. Sucks though, and I wish it didn’t! Being a person is fucking difficult

#tetsulog #liolog #xrdslog

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cena316aa · 7 years ago

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My Nonspoilery Review of Infinity War

Alright! I watched the premiere last night and I finally got my head cleared up enough to post my thoughts on the film. If you’re planning to watch it this weekend and want to know what to kinda expect or if it’s worth it, take this as a review from a Marvel fan :)

First, the pros

This movie was made for the fans and it was extremely noticeable

There were kids and adults and teens there and we all laughed at the same parts and were quiet in the same parts, and it’s just a blast for the whole family so take your little (or big) Marvel fans to it!

The trailer was so misleading in some parts haha! Loved it. Like the scenes in the trailer happened in unexpected ways

Lots of references to the other movies but they weren’t thrown at your face. They were more like passing references but when you caught them it made you giddy

Yes, Stan Lee cameo. I’m glad :)

Ned Leeeeeds!!! lollll his moment was priceless

Wanda and Vision are relationship goals

The dialogue was amazing! It was my favorite part of the movie

Tony Stark goes freaking great with everybody I stg

I especially liked him with Strange

The tone of all the movies were present when a character from that movie appeared so it was like you were watching all the movies at once and it felt awesome

so like the Guardians had the comedic tone like their movies, Steve Rogers was more intense like always, Black Panther was serious with some mellow moments, etc...

The Magic Cloth

Squidward

Spider-Man was my favorite!!!! Peter Parker was just so spot on. Tom Holland, you are a blessing to the Marvel franchise

The way Steve Rogers made his first appearance was EPIC

Also the best fight scene in my opinion was between the females

Shuri came out and was awesome so that’s always a plus

Quill, Drax, and Stark were the funniest in my opinion (but that’s no surprise)

Yes, M’Baku did show up. Revel in his amazingness!

The bubbles

Thanos is a great villain for the franchise especially if he’s the final villain for this Avengers franchise (idk if he will be, but that’d be a cool end)

Lots of Gamora which was really nice

Actually, the females were not just background characters. Especially the Black Panther girls and Wanda. They were in the foreground a lot. It was nice to go from the men to the women in the scene changes.

CGI was beautiful. The Iron Spider suit and Iron Man’s new suit looked amazing. And those fight scenes looked so fluid

Steve Rogers’ hair was so floofy

“World’s Greatest Defender” >.<

LOTS of Dad!Tony!!!!!

Peter Parker in general (did I mention that already haha)

Really digging Thor’s new haircut

Actually just Thor in general. He was soooo fucking funny and also extremely intense. And badass. Like always

“Rabbit”

All those pop culture reference by the Peters

Bucky’s character change

It was funny, intense, and sad. It had everything that all other Marvel movies have in just one film

There WAS an after credits scene and omg was it my favorite of all time!!!!!!! STAY FOR IT especially if you’re a FAN of MARVEL in general

Okay there was a lot I loved but now for some cons; don’t let these deter you though...I’m a fan of the comics and movies so like I can’t help but compare them sometimes but for the purpose of this I’ll try not to

This movie felt like if you didn’t watch the rest....you wouldn’t be able to enjoy it. I feel that you have to watch the latest movies to fully grasp what’s going on. So, if you’re a newbie, you can still get what’s going on...but you’re gonna miss A LOT of things. My sister watched it and she hasn’t seen some of the first movies and she loved it but then again she’s 7 so she was just happy she got to see Spider-Man, Thor, and Black Panther. So, you CAN watch it, but go at your own risk

The biggest thing that bugged me was that the movie was too fast paced. Of course, with such a huge cast it was expected so I wasn’t disappointed by this but it is noticeable. It didn’t make the movie bad, per se, just it feels too fast when you’re watching it. Scenes would sometimes change from one character to another to another so freaking fast so you have to be able to keep up with everything that’s going on. And there’s A LOT going on

Because of this, I felt that there was sometimes too much dialogue and action. There weren’t a lot of “quiet” moments. There was always something going on which was GREAT but also TIRING to keep up with.

The scene changes sometimes didn’t really flow well. Idk, I’m just used to Marvel being so fluid. I’m guessing it was because of (again) all the characters. There were some scenes that flowed realllll nicely together which was amazing when the two scenes were completely different in tone and setting, but sometimes it felt choppy.

Again (again), relating to the huge cast of characters, I wish some had had more time. Sometimes I felt that they rushed through characters just to show them and they didn’t get to shine as much but in order for Marvel to accomplish this they’d have to make like a six hour movie

However, every character had their moments which was AMAZING for them to do in a movie with this many personalities!!! I was honestly surprised they accomplished to give them all time in the limelight whether it was just a quote they delivered or one action sequence. So good job, Marvel!

Yes, for those wondering about any “deaths” ....yes it did happen but like...to me the internet built it up too much >.> so I was expecting the most painful scenario and it wasn’t as emotionally wrecking as I thought it’d be. So for this one, the internet ruined it for me. It wasn’t Marvel’s fault...it was all of YOU!!! (lol jk....but really tho)

I still cried tho

This one is kinda SPOILERY so don’t read it if you don’t want to know anything about the end

The ending. They had said that the two movies would feel like separate films but.....well to me it didn’t. And I heard people complain when it ended because like...it just ended. I was expecting it to continue and then all of a sudden we see the credits roll. It was just sudden. It didn’t feel like an end

BUT!!!! The after credits scene made up for it :) I was satisfied by the ending after it

So, long story short, it was a fun movie for MCU fans and comic fans alike. If you’re new to Marvel, you may want to brush up on the first films, but you don’t have to. You can still follow along the main plot. There were so many references to the other movies but also some neat little comic things. The fact that it had such a HUGE cast of characters was amazing but you can tell that it was hard for the filmmakers to properly fit them all in. It felt more fastpaced than other movies because of it. But, it was nice. For the huge project they had ahead of them, everybody involved in Infinity War did a great job. I can’t wait for the next one!

#marvel #infinity war #non spoilers #review #avengers #marvel stuff

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surveys-at-your-service · 6 years ago

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Survey #180

“why don’t presidents fight the war, why do they always send the poor?”

Do you study anything? If so what? Not currently.. Listening to music? What’s the opening and last lyric of the song? "From her throne of skulls rules our queen of endless might / and lead us the the kingdom of chaos where the dark hearts forever dwell" ("Dark Mother Divine" by Dissection). Are you a fan of sci-fi? Neutral. What’s your favorite musical? Musicals make me cringe. Have you ever taken an underwater picture? No. What was your favorite color when you was little? Has it changed? Red, and then pink when I learned it was its own color. It's still pink. Are you a fan of cheesecake? Omfg no Ever been on a ride and hated every second? I don't believe so. When was the last time you jumped? And why? biiiiih I have no idea. What color is the floor in your bedroom? Tan. Who’s the last person that slept over at your house? Sara. What color is the hair on your arms? Very light brown. Favorite color eyeshadow? Black is the only way to go. Do you have any friends that you’ve known for 10 years or more? Yeah. Who was the last person that cried in front of you? Did you do/say anything to comfort them? My niece or nephew, because we were leaving, and yes. Who was the last person you cried in front of? Did you feel embarrassed about it? Mom, probs. No. What was the last compliment you received from someone of the opposite sex? My psychiatrist said I was doing well with improvement or something. Does the person you love/like have any pets? Yes. Are you satisfied with the way your life is right now? No, things need to begin changing. Do you wear socks to bed? Who the fuck does that. Do you actually love your parents? Yeah. Do you like being in a relationship? Yeah. Do you prefer the tanning bed or the sun? I don't tan. Are you taller than your mum? I think she's like, a half inch taller than me? What’s something you want to purchase next time you’re at the mall? If it has a Hot Topic, some band or graphic t-shirt. Do you prefer regular or diet soft drinks? Regular, as the artificial sweetener in diet inevitably gives me a headache. Tastes awful, anyway. How long do you need to get to know someone, before you’d think about having a relationship with them? I think this depends on how quickly and deeply you click. Would you ever consider going to meet up with someone you started talking to online? Already have, would meet more. Have you ever wanted to be on American Idol? When was this? No. Do you have any friends you’d trust completely with your life? Sara. Are you failing any classes you’re taking in school? N/A Name one song lyric from your favorite song of all time? "In school, I would just bite my tongue, and now your words, they strike me down. The flags are false and they contradict, they point and click which wounds to lick." Do you know anyone who owns a pet chinchilla? Are they fun? No. Do your parents trust you alone with members of the opposite sex? Yeah. What is the most visited website you have listed right now? I'm sure it's YouTube. Do you enjoy singing? Why or why don't you like it? Sometimes, but I suck at it. Have you ever been in a talent show? What was your talent? No. Do you have a best friend who is of the opposite sex? No. What’s one song you’re definitely getting sick of at the moment? I don't listen to such songs once they get old. Do you know the full anatomy of the human body? Why or why not? No, because I've never specialized in studying it in its entirety. Have you ever cheated on a significant other before? No. Does your boyfriend or girlfriend have a pretty smile? ACTUAL SUNSHINE What is your favorite past-time or hobby? Why is this your favorite? Gaming, 'cuz it's the best escape from reality imo. Are you committing a sin at the moment? Which one? Sloth. Always. What do you consider being the worst curse word? I don't believe in "curse" words. Do you like kissing lightly better than just making out? I mean I'm pretty sure anyone would reply with "it depends on the mood." On average, how many songs do you listen to in a day? No clue. Sometimes many, sometimes none. Do you ever buy your pet(s) birthday or Christmas presents? Yes. Do you still own any VHS tapes? Do you ever watch them? Mom probably has old home videos. Otherwise, no. One thing you promised yourself you’d never do and then did? Not trying at all to be dramatic, but I seriously did promise myself I'd never risk loving someone again after Jason. Have you ever had to call 911? No. Have you ever rolled off your bed in your sleep? No. Do you get along with your significant other’s friends? I only know Tiffany, and she's great. Do you enjoy board games? No. What is the most expensive gift you have ever given someone? A promise ring. Describe your socks. I'm not wearing socks. I hate them. Do you believe in yourself? Sometimes. Do you feel bad when you kill bugs? Usually no... sadly. I should. If it was like a butterfly and insects of that sort, I'd feel awful. What is your favorite planet? Saturrrrrn. Do you have any pets that you had since you were born? No. Do you own anything that you had when you were a baby? Yes. Are you one of those people who are always cold? No, I'm like, permanently hot... Do you enjoy Mario games? Not especially. Things like Mario Kart though are fun to play with friends. Describe your signature: Legible but written waaay too slowly. What are some of your favorite card/board games? Battleship, Scattergories, Clue, Magic: The Gathering, uhhh... Do you own a gaming console? Which one? PS2, Wii, broken PS3 that I wanna get repaired, GameBoy, Nintendo DS Lite. What is the name of the last bar you went to? Never been to one. Do you follow any sports teams? No. How old were you when you attended your first concert and what was it? Ummm 17-ish? Alice Cooper. Which one of these words describe you the best: stubborn, impatient, hot-tempered, lazy, arrogant? Lazy. How about these: compassionate, forgiving, altruistic, honest, open-minded? Compassionate. If you had to choose one activity to do for 10 minutes, would you rather jump rope, hula hoop or hopscotch? My knees are baaaad, so all I really could survive is hula-hoop. What's the last TV show you watched, and do you relate to any of the characters? Ash had Naked and Afraid on at her house, but I related to neither contestant very much. If you had to compare yourself to one character from Friends, who would you say you're most like? Never really watched it. What is one movie you saw only once because you hated it so much? None solely for the reason of not liking it. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? THAT WOULD BE MY MOTHER UM LEMME THINK NO. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? None. Nightmares ruined my dad to a degree I don't think I can completely recover from, even with how close we are. Out of absolutely nowhere, I had another one that resulted in me jerking awake and literally giving out a short scream. I feel in my heart I should fully trust my dad and that his image is wrongly affected by my own fears, but I'm not very sure how to change that. Ever used a bow and arrow? Not a real one. Favorite Taylor Swift song? Fuckin FIGHT me "Picture To Burn" SLAPS. Give me a song that is underestimated/not well known: "Possession" by Otep. Otep songs in general. Does everyone in your family have a job? I'm the only one who doesn't. Name a reason you would most likely go to jail for: Probably killing someone when defending a loved one from being physically attacked, and there won't be enough evidence to show that I did it as defense or that going that far was justifiable. I have actually worried about this lmao. What kind of car did your parents have while you were growing up? A blue and then tan van, and Dad had a series of old, tan cars named Frida the Cheetah I-III. :') Do you tie your socks together or roll them up? Roll them up. What was your last bad date? I don't think I've had a bad one... Do you ever wish your birthday was on a different day? Yup, 'cuz it's occasionally Superbowl Sunday. What holiday would you want to have your birthday on? BITCH HALLOWEEN. Have you ever gone snorkeling or scuba diving? No. If yes, what’s the coolest thing you’ve seen? N/A What’s your favorite filling in chocolates? Fudge. When’s the last time you had a s'more? Some time after Sara's visit in June when we had some stuff left over. Does your best friend have any phobias? ... How am I blanking. I know some of her fears, but they're rational. Do you prefer the taste of lemon or limes? Lemons. What would you name your firstborn son? Probably Damien, or Severin. Do you cook anything you don’t like eating? I don't cook. What’s the last picture you colored? One I drew. What is the cheesiest way a guy could propose marriage? M'kay, it's always a man who proposes, I'll take note. But regardless, idk. What’s the first instrument you ever played? A recorder. Do you have an attic? A small one. Have you ever lived in the country before? My whole life. Do you drink coffee every day? No, I hate coffee. Have you ever stayed in a suite? No. Do you take good pictures? Sometimes, though I suck at manual mode because it's hard for me to tell when things are *perfectly* in focus. Have you ever been in a tornado or hurricane? Hurricanes. Do you have any bookmarks in your internet browser? If so, how many? Four. Do you know anyone in the military right now? I believe so. What’s your favorite show on Comedy Central? Don't watch it. How old is the oldest person you know? Uhhhh... late 80s? Early 90s? Do you usually go to sleep before or after the people you’re living with? Varies. Which band has the best name, in your opinion? Cradle of Filth is badass. Which one of your exes do you feel like you have the most chemistry with? Have, none, had, Jason. Do you like where your house is located? No. What’s the best hotel you’ve been to? One right by the beach. Are you into designer clothes? Nope, forget those prices. The only I plan on buying something from sometime is Cloak out of relentless support for The Man and The Apprentice. Have you ever done any internship? No. What’s your favorite store? (other than Hot Topic) Do not attack me like this. But anyway, Rebel's Market. What do you think about tattoos on women? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA fuck you. Have the cops ever gotten onto you for anything before? No. Do you have a Myspace? And if so what is your screen name? It probably still exists, and idk. Do you have a YouTube? Yeah. Facebook? Yeah. Gaia? Idk what that is. Bzoink? No. What email thingy do you use? (yahoo, gamil, rock) Hotmail and Gmail. Do you own a cellphone? If so what kind is it? A Shitty Samsung™ Do you have a digital camera? What kind is it? A Nikon D3200, but I'm hopefully getting a new Nikon or Canon soon. This camera's just about toast. What is your most common typo? Ummm. Idk. I don't make many now as I have to type slowly on this annihilated keyboard. What happens now is just not pushing down hard enough, so I wouldn't really call them "typos.' What kind of computer do you have? My actual one is a Sager, but the one I currently have to use is an Acer. Do you have an iPod/MP3 player? Yes. Literally had it since the beginning of middle school. What is your favorite video game of all time? Silent Hill 2 for story, Shadow of the Colossus for gameplay. For overall, they're pretty much tied. Have you ever played Call of Duty? No. Do you play games on the computer? When I get the Sager fixed... How many doors are in your house? Windows? Doors leading outside, I'm guessing? Two. Windows... at least eight. Nine? Most are small, though. Do you have any posters on your walls? Of what? Metallica, a unicorn at therapy being told "you need to believe in yourself," Homecoming-styled Pyramid Head, Marilyn Manson, Illidan from WoW, Silent Hill 3, Jack Skellington, a music one, and meerkats. What kind of bed do you have? (fouton, twin, bunk) Queen. Is your bed comfortable? Eh. Where is your computer located? I only have a laptop. Other than a closet, do you use a dresser/wardrobe to keep your clothes in? I have a dresser. How many mirrors do you have in your house? (other than hand-held) Uhhh two? Do you have a garage? No. Should you be doing anything right now? What? No. Do doctors or dentists make you more nervous? Doctors. Did you ever think you were about to die before? Ha, in the fourth grade when I was writing my DARE paper and I accidentally stabbed my freshly-sharpened pencil into my left palm... I thought it was lead so I ran SOBBING to my mom about how I was going to die lmao. Then after I ODed, I acknowledged there was a possibility, but I didn't care to think about whether I lived or died to like... think either one. Have you ever really had a near-death experience? Was it cool? "Was it cool." Fuck off. There's no such thing as a "cool" way of almost dying. Anyway, I got in a car accident when I was young, but Mom's driving saved our ass. I don't know if you'd classify the OD as near-death... I apparently didn't take enough to where a certain ingredient became heavily toxic or something, plus I was fucking drowned in fluids to counteract the amount I did have in super quickly (or something like that), so I didn't really experience an "I'm dying right now" fear like I did when I saw the wreck coming. How often do you brush your teeth? Once a day. How often do you shower? (Come on, tell the truth) Every other day, or if I'm being lazy, I go an extra day and regret my decision. What body type do you have? Um not skinny help. What kind of nose do you have? It's kinda little. Are your eyebrows thick? Normal. What color eyes do you wish you had? A more sapphire blue. Do you have fat lips? I'd say they're normal. Do you have a long neck? No. What are your views on abortion? Ultimately, when all things are considered, pro-choice, but I believe in avoiding abortion as well as you can. Like, just getting one solely because you were being sexually careless is a no from me, but like, if pregnancy and/or bearing a child would be an incredibly difficult feat for you emotionally and/or physically, you have the right to put yourself first. Gay marriage? All for it. What different types of churches have you visited? Catholic and Christian. Who would you want to be the flower girl at your wedding? Aubree, buuut I doubt her dad would allow it considering there's a high chance I'm marrying a woman, and he's homophobic as all hell. Do you want to be married within the next ten years? Ideally. What group are you most active in on Facebook? I'm only in one, a WoW group. I rarely comment on anything tho. Are you ashamed of anything? Yes. What were your favorite Disney rides as a kid? I don't really remember them. What were your favorite rides at Cedar Point? Never been. Have you ever owned a succulent? No. Favorite type of tea to drink in the fall? I hate tea. If a brand were to sponsor you, which brand(s) would you prefer? *shrugs* Have you read the entire Bible? No. Do you make bucket lists for each season? No. What is the next hobby you want to start? I'unno... I guess I'd like to get back to reading. Do you dye your hair regularly? No, it's not something I can afford, especially because I want complex color combos. What makes you depressed? Thinking too much about my current life issues, above anything else. My brain confuses depression and boredom a lot, and I'm bored plenty. Loved ones being hurt or upset, and sometimes thinking about the future. Do you think you could ever be famous? Nooooo, I absolutely do not want that. Do you think you have what it takes to make it big in the entertainment biz? Definitely not. What industry is it that you want to go into? Art. Do you have a job now? If so, what is it? No. What are some jobs you’ve had in the past? Sales clerk/associate. What are some jobs you want to or would like to have? List five. Photographer, zoologist, archaeologist, meerkat biologist, artist. What are some jobs you have considered? Archaeologist, vet, movie director, game designer, movie editor, and now zoologist and photography. What are some health problems you have had in the past? That I don't still have? Lots of ear infections, high cholesterol, insomnia, and talk about embarrassing, but last year I had this random span of premature nighttime incontinence... that fucking sucked. What are some of the best medications you’ve ever had? The Latuda + Lamictal combo is one of the biggest reasons I'm still alive. What is your favorite vitamin? I don't have one. Have you ever made money off of YouTube? No. What was a video you watched over and over as a kid? OH MY GOD so Nicole and I watched "Before He Cheats" covers (why idk????) and she found this one of a girl lip-syncing along to a super sped-up version and we found it stupid funny. Have you ever experienced depression as a side effect? Yes; I have both bipolarity and depression, but taking anti-depressants while also bipolar ramps your bipolar symptoms the fuck up, so of course my times of depression were soooo much worse than they were supposed to be. Have you ever been suicidal as a withdrawal symptom? No. How old were you when you started wearing glasses (if applicable)? Some time in middle school, I think? Have you ever been told you have an accent? As a kid I really did; when seeing my NY relatives, they would always point it out lmao. Now I think I only super faintly do and it's only slightly noticeable with some words. Actually at the reptile con in Illinois, after a bit of talking, a girl I met asked if I was from the U.K. because apparently she detected a faint trace of B r i t i s h? Describe the last situation in which you had to give up on an individual? I've gone back and forth with Colleen so many times that I feel anyone who reads these knows the story. What are some things that cause you to abandon association with someone? Shoving opinions in my face, arrogance, disinterest in our relationship, closed-minded, just to name a few. When was the last time you made a new friend? Ha. What is the most unusual thing within your general vicinity? Ummmm I'm not sure. Maybe my python, as she's a morph? What are some things you enjoy that not many others do? Writing, reptiles and amphibians, conspiracies, looots of snow, foreign music, watching others play games, uhhhh. Are you one who considers preserving your past important? In some ways, sure, but not a lot. Focus on the present and aim to create a future better than your past. When was the last time you had some sort of a meltdown? I'm not sure. Some time last month, I think. When was the last time you were super busy? Psh. I'm never busy. Not always a good thing. What is a quality someone might not assume you have? Serious impatience. I don't think I hint towards that weakness until like, you see me in a doctor's office. What was the last thing you did that was healthy? Got a good night's sleep. What was the last thing you did that could harm your health? Drank soda oops. Do you know anyone who self-injures? Not in the present, I believe. Have you ever had to reside with an individual who had a mental disorder? Mom has depression.

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