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[Kal] Man. Jerked it so hard I got nauseous 😔

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science

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submitted by @jaams-backpack

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Hm.

I think I’ve mentioned before, but in the past, our system worked differently.

When a new person formed, it was… violent is not exactly the right word. Intense? It would be days and days of feeling not like myself/like whoever else was around, building pressure. Sometimes we could predict if they would be a fictive or influenced by something because we’d feel connected to something (the “pulling” feeling) as the pressure built. And then it became too much to handle, we’d have an intense breakdown or emotional whiplash at least, and they’d very intensely and suddenly exist.

Switching too - was this sticky intense feeling. The edges were harsh; it was disorienting.

So once it changed we felt kind of distressed by that. Why can’t we see it coming anymore? Why isn’t it obvious? In hindsight - because we stopped being around our ex, because we started T, because we started getting our own income. THAT WAS ALL STRESS!! It was dissociation!!

Not that I’m not stressed these days, or I never have a mental issue, I definitely still do. But I think my life has changed enough that the harsh borders aren’t as necessary.

Sometimes there’s just a new person. Sometimes I just am someone else. It’s like the edges are there but they’ve been blurred, still clear where they are and that the bits and pieces are different but it’s not a pressure to break a hard wall anymore, switching isn’t as intense and disorienting (most of the time. Still happens sometimes.)

Helps a lot that our partner is very kind and understanding and helpful. (Hiii my love) Our ex was not that. Even though they wanted everyone to believe they were and constantly roleplayed as being so.

We aren’t magically healed from everything - there’s a lot of trauma if you could believe it (whaaat?), a lot I didn’t even realize was present and we stumble onto face first sometimes. And the moments of blurriness.. I don’t think have actually increased but are instead more obvious.

And I think the reason our number has increased so rapidly is like… before, there was pressure. It pushed everything aside. And we felt we had to look at everything with scrutiny. And the edges were strict and sharp, so the blurry in betweens where the people without that strength yet got hidden inside them.

Especially as we see the memories from new people.. so many of them have always been here. Or they’re at least taking ownership and identity of feelings that always have been and that none of the rest of us let ourselves own.

It used to stress us when our number grew even a little bit. And while we aren’t perfect and sometimes it’s still frustrating.. I see it more and more of a sign of healing, that there’s so many of us and that our number is growing. We have less shame about who we are and we have less shame about letting ourselves identify with feelings and memories we have always had.

There’s still some shame sometimes, or feelings of fear and nervousness (honestly: caused by our ex majorly, we struggle to front and talk out loud to anyone bc of how our ex acted about) but it’s gotten a lot better.

And dare I say: IT’S GOOD that there are more of us when each of us understands something about our collective existence more than anyone else. May we keep finding more! May there be a hundred of us fuckers if that’s what helps us understand all the aspects of who we are and helps us comprehend our memories and feelings and our past!

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sometimes the tragedy of distance is very simple. i want to get groceries with you

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“Traumagenics and endogenics should never share spaces because they’re totally different!!!”

You are an idiot. Next

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earth greeting

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you're the only one who understands me mr strobbery

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This post is so funny to me. When I wrote this there were 20 of us

Theres 50 now

[Lio] For Now, (knocks on wood) it seems our DLC is finished. Now tell me how the fuck the system got five guys (burgers and fries) in one summer

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Truly the read of all time today when someone in our partnersys talking to one of our headmates heard them describe the way I’m looking into info on a new kink is “like he’s writing a research paper”. Ok. Well you’re not wrong I guess

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Not me reading a Reddit post saying that 4 year olds see their parents as an extension of themselves and going

Hm. When I was four I had convinced myself my “real parents” who were lion/dragon monsters had died before I met them and my human parents weren’t my real parents (and the real world was just some weird alternate universe to my real world in my head)

So I think I may have always been really normal

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Fuuuck I need to go to bed but there are literally horrors

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Anyways my identity has been falling apart lol (ok that’s dramatic. It’s just been shifting)

Turns out if most of your problems come from a long, bad friendship-turned-relationship (and they kind of coerced you into it), and the rest come from money problems and healthcare problems, for years, then of course your identity is going to latch on to the sense of self which is “dead guy on the other side of the planet”

And turns out when your ex dumps you for “not spending enough time with them” (every day? Every moment we were awake? Lol?) and you move overseas and you have your own income and you have a loving partner… well, that identity gets shaken, and might not be as useful to you anymore

We’ve identified a few things. First: there is a “[Host] Process” which seems to vaguely mimic the long term main fronter but is not him, it’s collective emotion/thought/memory patterns that can’t really comprehend anything on its own. It feels like a clear goo that invisibly sticks to people sometimes or mimics them. It truly does not seem sentient it seems to just run things if we are not focused/present enough

However, the “main guy” had coexisted with this for so long that he didn’t notice it and maybe started falling apart a bit? Or rather naturally shifting, but shifting away from that Host Process made it clear that it existed and he was becoming different

Seems like there’s maybe. College age guy. Emo catboy? Archivist. Dragon, possibly still attached to Archivist. Maybe a younger or more gooey.. emotionally? One. A guy who does work. A guy who is exhausted. And maybe whoever or whatever I am lol

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Didn’t think this was necessary but we’d really appreciate if radqueers did not follow us, and we will block you if you post that sort of content. 100% I understand that there’s a lot of things that require nuance but I’m not interested in interacting with that community at all and I hate the discourse. Do not @ me just go live your life elsewhere thanks