#idk i could go all day theres so many good books

[inkaoatmilk]

All those fantasy books, mits, legends, different worlds, parallel universes, mystical creatures, illusion, miracles, monsters, dreams, gods, heroes and villains, witches, fairies, elves. And you're telling me magic can't be real?

Yeah, I'm not buying it.

[melonsharks]

Tell us everything about the parent trap au immediately please please please

to give u an insanely quick rundown with a wip art i have:

aziraphale as elizabeth. wedding dress designer under his pen name A.Z. Fell. (hes an artist as confirmed in s2 and the whole "drawing on napkins" thing elizabeth would do appeals to me immensely)

crowley as nick. owns a vineyard. I NEED HIM TO OWN A VINEYARD SO BAD. shoutout to Old Vines on ao3 for changing me in a fundamental way. he makes wines and he tends to the vines and he is so passionate about it to an abusurdist degree. he yells at his vines when they arent growing right. you already knowwww.

when they meet for the first time, they don’t meet on a boat like in the movie, they actually meet at a wedding party :J crowley was a wine collector, just starting out. he loved offering aziraphale samplings of his most vintage collection out of impulse. (he likes seeing the way aziraphale savors them) (he’s besotted) Wants to own his own vineyard one day. aziraphale, on the other hand, has dreams of becoming a fashion designer of sorts, always drawing ideas on any scraps of paper he can find. his designs are very old fashioned, but thats like… part of the appeal. his work very much reflects who he is, and the people who flock to it understand that.

they enter this kind of… whirlwind relationship, they get married, and then eventually adopt two golden haired blue eyed baby boys. twins. :J warlock and adam.

they break things off because aziraphale leaves... alluding to their recent breakup in season two, the reason he left was because "we both clearly had very different ideas on where our lives were going. so. i packed up and left." (parallel s2 divorce 😋 they don’t know how to talk to each other) (aziraphale throws a book at his head after this argument, like the hairdryer in the movie LOL. it was pride and prejudice. crowley still has it.)

aziraphale leaves with adam. warlock is left with crowley. crowley eventually leaves London because he finds he cant stand being anywhere near Aziraphale (hes just irresistible in that way), and he goes to California where he finally fulfills his dream of owning a vineyard. a nice one on Napa, Northern California.

Aziraphale’s wedding dresses become more and more well known, Adam grows well-adjusted. Same kid you know from the show and book, natural born leader, a good head on his shoulders. (Aziraphale has no idea why Adam is like that, but he is so proud)

Crowley’s vineyard (The Garden Of Eden) grows and grows… Warlock is spoiled rotten, but he does love actually working at the vineyard with Crowley to and he and Crowley have a really good relationship…

Eventually the kids go to a summer camp together in London (i dont know if they . do this in the UK, but suspend your disbelief if you will) Adam meets The Them there, then meets Warlock after a nutty fencing thing, they kind of hate each other at first and the rest is history :J

side characters UM. LOL. idk……. i mean i kind of know but not really? theres just so many possibilities that make the rounds in my head. chessy could be anathema OR nina (ive had people suggest eric too?) and martin could be newt OR maggie (ive also had people suggest muriel????) gestures vaguely.

as for meredith…….erm…………🤷‍♂️ ive had everything under the sun suggested to me and i still……have no idea. LOL. gabriel, lucifer, shaX, FURFUR, THE WIFE FROM THE NON-SPOILER SPOILERS. I DONT KNOW. IT ALL FEELS WRONG. its hard to come up with this role in particular when these gay bitches literally only have eyes for each other. always. forever. u know. i think lucy is like. the classic answer. but idfk.

ask me about . more things if u want. this is consuming my every thought.

anyways the cover im working on for. for something:

[enzoarweq]

(im talking about the characters q!, not the cc!)

imo no one else seems to understand the landduo/foolhalo relationship is much much deeper than "he's a friend who annoys me and i love to annoy him" or "they are secretly in love" in fact i might be as bold as to say NO ONE does till this day. which is pretty funny how they understand and notice the littlest things about each other but no one can see their deep bond despite that... tho to be fair Bad has said multiple times that he praises Foolish till high heaven from his skills, smarts, to his good looks but he would never ever admit it or say it to his face. (he RARELY does actually so when it happens, we all cheer and die) same for foolish.

Jaiden, who is probably one of the closest to Foolish rn said recently no one else takes Foolish srsly or that they are like outcasts of the island or that no one cares for Leo (para). and im like um theres literally Bad who cares a lot for Foolish and Leo. and has said multiple times that he is much more intelligent than ppl have granted him to be (but ofc she doesn't know, she doesn't know the early moments where they would hang out together almost all the time, constant banter, she doesn't know of THE convo where Bad literally for his advice and was treating and talking to him like two gamemasters in equal footing talking about the games they will play, she doesn't know should anything happen to Bad, he left Dapper in Foolish's care, Foolish constantly leaves Leo in Bad's care, she doesn't know that Leo loves and adores his Tio Bad, she doesn't know a lot of their "true hidden" relationship/sides, she doesn't know how easy Foolish can read Bad like an open book like that mine roulette game which i think she participated but not when both bad and foolish were playing iirc etc etc) not to mention theres also Roier who cares a lot for Leo and vice versa and constantly thinks about her (but this post about foolhalo so i digress)

There was also that moment with Bagi and Tubbo where they were like go ahead and cage Foolish or smtg. like daring Bad to do it. Bad was like aww thats no fun, its boring (cuz yk theres no song and dance, theres no arguing back n forth, it was just that). so when foolish shows up and bad was like hey could u step in ig *shrugs* Foolish was like urgh ok ig. I still remember Bagi's and Tubbos reaction, they were like mildly surprised. like ok what now. Bagi then said to Foolish, hey Bad is insane. Foolish then replied, yeah i fcking knew that already (in a so what tone) and again, Bagi seemed slightly taken aback. Tubbo then went on a rant about them being in love or smtg idk.

or the time when Bad would make a torture chamber for Foolish which he willingly went along cuz why not. and ppl were making angst about it as if Foolish didn't just walk into the torture chamber willingly to play a fun torture game with Bad smh.

also the time when Foolish was hiding his hurt over Leo's absence but Bad knew deep inside he feels deeply. that time where Foolish will run away from everyone else when confronted about his feelings but finally stood silently besides Bad in comfort, instead of a hug. (wasn't Jaiden there for that?)

--

theres soooo many foolhalo landduo moments where so many fans just blatantly ignore, like they have selective memory. genuinely confuses me everytime, like are we even watching the same POV.

theres also a lot of moments where ppl were gen mad at bad for the pranks n shit, like its 2023 ppl, we've been thru with this already in dsmp, do better pls. (ik them be new fans but still urgh)

[ellilyre]

I finished ToA not long ago and I wanted to write down some thoughts/scenes that stick with me

(in chronological (ish) order, watch out for spoilers)

Theres an italian girl at camp ! It means Nico gets to practice and speak italian ! (which probably haven't happened in about 70 years)

Will introducing Nico as "my boyfriend". I already knew they would be canon, but reading that line felt weird /pos

Apollo sees Solangelo and think of himself and Hyacinth

That night when Kayla and Austin disappeared and Apollo left to look for them, it probably was the first night Will ever spent alone in his cabin

Apollo's insane body dysmorphia. He's a god, he can always take the physical form he is the most comfortable and confident in... Until now. He is stuck in a body that isn't his, he feels ashamed, when he sees certain traits in others he find them charming or pretty, but when it's on him then it's disgusting. He complain that everything is this body's fault (ex. he wouldn't have been touched by the Eurynomos if it wasn't for his chub.)(I could go on for hours)

Lityerses ! I love that guy. Idk why i love him that much. He is my best guy.

Apollo's reaction to Commodus' name. His flashback of him. So painful he was physically sick.

Apollo talking Helios out of killing them, because he just want to be free, not to hurt them.

APOLLO ATTEMPT TO KHS TO STOP THEM ?? IM A SUCKER FOR SOME GOOD PAINFUL SELF SACRIFICE.

Jason. I'm not talking about Jason. I can't speak about Jason.

Frank and Apollo ! They are so fond of each other !!!

Apollo heard all of Frank's prayers when he was unclaimed and wished he could've adopted him.

And Frank respecting Apollo as a god although he is *vaguely gesture at Apollo/Lester*

Reyna saying aloud that she doesn't want nor needs romance. It's so rare to see aromantic representation and Rick did it so well.

Literally Apollo singing his way out of situations.

FRANK'S SELF SACRIFICE!!! (He already had one of my favorite character development before that)

APOLLO KILLING COMMODUS ??? why do never talk about that it's one of the best deaths I've ever seen that was BADASS AND FULL OF EMOTIONS.

Apollo slowly dying out of poison and the Dodona Arrow doing everything it can to keep him conscious.

I hope Dakota didn't get killed off just to give Lavinia the role of Centurion. I love my boy Dakota, and his death felt kind of meaningless, except for her rank up :/ also i feel like it doesn't suit Lavinia. Some ppl are strong and good and trustable but just not made to order others. (ill prop make a full post about that)

Dionysos confirmed to be an annoying little brother!

Nico. How does Rick manage to always give him more issues. Leave the kid alone.

When Will glows, Apollo is genuinely impressed and tells him how proud he is.

Nico destroying Nero's door with his giant zombie bull. That was cool.

When Apollo gets stabbed in Nero's tower and think it's the end, he prays "Zeus, Artemis, Leto, anyone"

And in general the few parts he talks about Leto, he's such a momma's boy and I love it.

When Apollo left for Delphi... I was fully expecting Meg to go with him. I was so worried that he went alone while already feeling that weakened from the previous events.

DODONA ARROW. FOREVER IN MY HEART.

Artemis is here when Apollo wakes up. She's by his side, she's the first person to tell him he succeeded, she hold him while he sobs...

The first thing he does is to greet his horses :) and then to see his friends.

When he gets back to the Dodona bush ! To tell them all how brave and heroic the Arrow have been !

I could spend hours talking about the character developments of Apollo, Meg and the Dodona Arrow (i love the arrow so much you have no idea) but its for another day

There's many things I didn't talk about, but the post is already long enough. I love those 5 books, and Apollo is an amazing narrator.

I love the Arrow of Dodona with all my heart.

[iheartliquor]

dam im back again guys i just been taking it east both my laptops r broken the good one and the old shitty onee so i havent been tumblring much . psycosis was the most terriffying experience of my life , and i still cant figure out wat was real and wat wasnt , but the main point is that it doesnt matter and wat matters is just takin care of myself and not letting that happen again . tbh my friends said oh we knew this was coming one day which kinda made me feel bad lol but at the same time like wat do u expect ? u can only get away w that type of sleep deprivation n constnat inebriation and completely ignoring ur mental illness for so long . im doing cbt books now and im refusing to see anything but the love and light in every situation , cause like , u kno j, as they say ,, where we dwell in consciousness is truly where we dwell in life . its just been kinda hard and strange and bad and i feel like i have to like , superstitiously take plan b now wheras before i knew i would be fine . or no i didnt i mean before i would let myself have that as a worry in the back of my mind but now i have to superstitiously take precautaions . i kno that can b its own type of ocd and im doin counciling for that . its all just been really stressful and terrifying .... iwanna tell about the experiecne but i dont wanna like , u kno , spread bullshit around or pay attention to it when its bullshit . some parts were so good and beautiful , but some parts were so terrifying . i really thought i was bein taken to hell , and then i really thought like , i was so convinced i kill:ed myeslf and hurt my mom in that way i promsised myself i would neverr ever hurt her . that wasnt real tho but it felt absolutely so real :((( , i think how many years i would read ghost stories online and that felt like searching for something divine more than bein raised w my lack of god or watever , anyways , yeah im not gunna dwell on everything but basically im doing a lot better , i can tell the full story once im far away from it . ive felt so strongly sometimes like , i wish i could go back , to the world i lived in for the majority of my life where theres nothing that can get me or make me do bad things . and i can , i can i can i can itll just take awhile to get to the mental place where i can plainly see it was all or mostly bullshit / hallucination . brutal summer to be hoenst for tthis gal , oh well , anyways , sending u all all my love . life is scary and life is crazy and its still just all a big mystery , no matter what anyone says , and itll b okay , and i think i'll getta see all the people i love again just in a different way . eternal love , unconditional love , undying love ..... yes those three are the theme of the day...... anyways ok everyone have a lovely evening, its precious beautiful august . summer means so much to me , being where im from , and ive just had to like barely barelyy survive it this year , idk . or i alwayss said Every Single Summer I Feel Like I Was Born Again but this year i really really know wat that feels like , just in the snese of im gunna take my mental problems seriously now , instead of ignore them like my whole entire life . I finally figured out why LIQUOR ALWAYS FELT LIKE MEDICINE..... hahaha ok . all love everybody .

[cali]

im a different anon but im just curious what advice you would give to someone whos been pillbugging it for um. over a year now

mmm i cant really answer how to stop having depression which im guessing is what u mean + i dont know how ur head works but ive been living mostly NEET-ly for more than 2 yrs now and everyday im getting a better curve at dealing with it so i can tell u what works for me.

half the time when im pillbugging hard im paralyzed by a nontangible fear and the only thing that could stop it is adressing wherever the fear is coming from but the confrontation of the topic, trying to figure out where its even coming from, is terrifying too so i dont do it and stay swimming in tar. theres a sentence people keep saying when they explain why they watch 2 hour video essays "it makes my head go quiet". thats the enemy, the thought, not the person saying it. long term i mean. when its short term anguish that can be bridged by pillbugging its fine i think but if ur "making ur head quiet" for more than a month i urge u to make it go really loud again but thats hard. the only times i can try and confront those thoughts is when i feel otherwise nice, if i got externally forced to have a fun day, hike with my papa, date day with my girlfriend, sometimes just got myself to make a nice meal and it helped, when u feel better its a little less scary and u can maybe try and think out of it a little better. also i think on those days youre generally more positively charged so u got more hope outlook. COOL. i think this is why some people do meditation. im not good at it so i dont really know but i think its a brave pasttime of tackling unpleasant ideas. i used to try and dope my way out of it with lsd cuz everytime i used it it kind of forced me to confront whatever trouble i had but ive forbad myself that cuz i didnt want to rely on it as crutch + it was just unpleasant to get hit over the head everytime. now i only do it when i feel good already (havent done it in half a year lol). sorry, drug tangent. also weed is synonymous with pillbugging 4 me.

otherwise, rituals.... mmmmm..... when therapists and whoevers say stuff like take daily walks daily exercise take daily shower i think all of those are like half about the direct benefits they give and half just about doing anything regularly. cuz it helps. during pillbug hours the point for me is kind of to have time pass as fast as possible so the timeframe to hurt is reduced which is counterproductive cuz if it flows u by rlly hard u cant really grasp onto anything to get off the ride easily. and its never going to come really easy theres no probable single action or event that is going to singlehandedly pull u out of the mire, no rapture, no healing vitamin, its always going to be slow and tedious and boring and stupid but a routine is a nice framework to start that. brushing ur teeth is nice. and when u do something daily the days start becoming more tangible again and u will be able to tell how many days ago tuesday was. maybe u can think abotu what factors motivate u and twist them to do your biddinggg. shame and dissapointment works really well for me if i tell someone i will have this done by then and i dont it usually overpowers the malaise or whatever other reason has been making me not do it prior. but this requires social bonds and i cant guarantee u have those. in summer i started doing therapy cuz in germany i need it for transgenderism and shes also a good beacon for that, if she says do something until next time we meet i dont want to dissapoint her. other than that, um idk, everyting else is just kind of part of that. take walks even if u dont want to think about things even if its scary. be brave like childrens book illustration of knight slaying dragon. and then maybe u get a princess kiss

[dream-bandit]

THANK YOU GUYS . Cringe culture is so dead but the demons get to me sometimes i get scared 😢

OKAY. Warrior cats au Anyone h ave name suggestions bc since it alters from WCs world building a bit i dont know if i should use the name. I am breaking so many wc rules here and idc

Okay so here, each clan is a lot bigger than the ones in the books. Like a whole city population with a lot of forest ground.

Mr oz (dont have a name for him) Is a warrior whos been around for a good while. He mentored both hannah, a somali cat (NAME REC PLEASE) and beau, Nightpaw but maybe his warrior name becomes Nightcatcher, maybe also a black Cornish Rex? hed also have blue eyes and hannah would have yellow.

Lunia was a sort of leader-medicine cat thing, new role i came up with , being really connected with starclan or stuff. dreamclan.? Not the exact leader, Abraham is, but is kinda moreso the spiritual leader and despite not fighting TOO MUCH everyone holds her in high respect across all clans

Migo wasnt an apprentince really but just a helper for her, maybe she can be a little mouse or something that lunia conjured/tamed with magic (yes magic will exist here because Im not restricting myself to wc rules IM BEING SILLY AND HAVING FUN) But because of her duties she didnt have time to hang out like they used to before lunia got into her role. Migo wants to remove her magic so she can just stay with her forever as a normal medicine cat and not have to go out and risk her single life in the most dangerous battles. Because she has magic shes really strong but also it makes her a huge target for cats against the clans, if she dies then it could risk the entire multiple clans relationship since they no longer have a common leader

Migos attempt at stealing her magic kindaa work out bc she has really fucked up magic powers now that require sacrifices to work or something❤️, perhaps all the power is in a special item... like maybe a bone/tooth from lunia on a collar , but in their final battle Lunia seals her SOMEWHERE and she disappears in the process. Lunia wanted to forgive Migo and go back so she never told anyone that the Nightmare king and her were the same person, she only said that something captured the little mouse.

So the Nightmare King is a sort of rodent/canine/monster thing trapped somewhere in the dark forest or something (idk i never read the arcs that focus on the dark forest and i dont plan to!this is my au i get to make my own logic no one correct me okay !!)

The loss of Lunia hit mr ozs team hard (hannah and beau were already warriors by this point) and they go try to destory a remnant of the nightmare kings weapon or something (since lunias tooth would be the hourglass equivalent. mr oz has it hidden somewhere because he doesnt trust the clans leader with it) Oh also mr oz turned down an offer to be deputy of all the clans .

Um more world building. because im coming up with stuff as i write this post. Theres like a main head leader for all the clans(branches) which is Royce, its just the deputy-leader system but it applies to all clans instead of just one.i guess

ALSO !! Astrid is Royces apprentince, its rare for the main leader to be a mentor so it means royce sees a lot of potential in her. i think she built her own little wheel thing to get around easier because she still wants to be a warrior cat / be able to participate in battles. Royce sees her as 'the next Lunia' and astrid isnt totalllyyyy on board with that but still she doesnt want to miss the chance to prove herself

OH ALSO ! Hannah lore.. I think she was a barn cat before Nightpawfound her one day when he was sneaking out of camp. They both hit it off and become really good friends and nightpaw wants to invite her to the clan and hannah agrees because she wants to be with him and it seems cool to her. Nightpaw confesses to oz about meeting her and while hes mad, he agrees to mentor her because no one else wants to mentor a random barn cat

Okay so then after nightcatcher and the others go to the gnorfs to try and destroy the nightmare kings weapon (the gnorfs can be beavers....) Nightcatcher gets a bit corrupted and over time it corrupts him fullly, it. makes him bitter and hateful. He tries to stay through it but a bit after hannah getes pregnant he leaves her and then the entire clans in general, he becomes a rouge and he wanders into the dark forest because he feels the nightmare king calling him from there. mr oz is really upset with it and checks in constantly with hannah to make sure shes doing alright and to be able to comfort each other.. Mr oz never had a mate so he saw them both as his own children kind of

one day hannah just cant take it anymore and she goes out by herself to try and find nightcatcher and they eventually come across eachother but she sees how he got corrupted and he fights her to go back, but doesnt touch her physically because he doesnt want to hurt her he just wants her to get away from him and the path he chose

hannah runs off but before going back to the clan area she gets found by some humans and they take her in and care for her. Shes kinda trapped there now but she tries to make the most of it there

She gives birth to zoey and theyre really close but then hannah dies due to illness around the time zoey is old enough to be an apprentince. Hannah never told her about the clans and all that but occasionally some warrior cats came to the farm theyre on to nab some herbs and stuff so theyve encountered them.

then one day the night hunter comes to where her and her owners are and maybe he attacks them or something, taking quite a bit of the livestock there. MAYBE Hm.. Okay so then zoey tries fighting him off and it doesnt go to well for the night hunter because he realizes thats his child and he doesnt want to hurt her and then he merges with the shadows and leaves quickly when the humans come running out. NOW EITHER zoey is upset that he killed a lot of the livestock and just wants to go out and do something else so she becomes a rouge before getting adopted into a clan, OR orrr her owners see the claw marks on the livestock and the blood on zoey and assume shes the one who attacked them and that shes too feral and agressive to be a pet for them so they throw her out </3 Forcing her to have to go out and hunt for herself. Eventually she saves the main kids while theyre. just barely apprentice age becase they snuck out to save cooper from something and since they were still kits they coudlnt defend themselves all too well so zoey saves them yahhh OKAY. Thats enough for this post i think/ OH BUT ALSO YEAh zoey wants revenge on the night hunter for taking away the only sembelance of family she had left yipeeee

[bumbliie]

ive had so many highs and lows playing veilguard. ive been a fan of dragon age for years. i played dao, i played da2 and dai when they came out. dai ruined my interest in da for years so even when i got back into it for datv release stuff. i had tempered/no expectations. i fully expected datv to sort of be like it is. and in some ways it was worse than even my lack of expectations. some aspects were better? i had criticisms even as i was actively going through act 3. ones that most of the fandom seems to share but. Act 3. what. The Fuck. i heard act 3 was insane. i heard it was good. whether compared to the rest of the game or not. i didnt think it was worth the slog of constant veilguardiness. But It Was. to me. act 3 to me was worth all of veilguard to have that as an ending to my rook and dragon age? to me. (and the fact thats not even including worldstates. if they had been able/allowed to implement worldstates God it would have been incredible) datv is not dao, da2 or dai. and thats okay in some regards okay not in some regards. it has so many glaring issues with how some stuff and characters are written and. well! some pretty unsavory implications of some writing choices! there is so much to dislike to hate to critique. but on the flip to me. theres so much to love and be sad about that this was a game that was restarted twice and ended up with only 4 actual years of development time. as of writing this i havent looked through the art book but from what ive seen. and from what they could even implement in the game. there is so much love put in to it. despite the hell its been through and despite the way the staff was treated after being put through so much bullshit. they still crafted a story and characters that i still ended up caring for and i was more upset i COULDNT have more time with them. or the story. i think da is just truly too close to my heart as a series and maybe datv nostalgia baited me or just. having new da content has made me biased. but im aware of all the issues w datv and i still deeply care about this game and characters. i just finished putting 100 hours into this game. and im considering doing it again just so i dont have to not be in a state of playing datv. idk. i just. was happy to have a new da game to play. and even if this game didnt live up to the depth of prev entries. i can still take these concepts and have them for the dragon age in my head. i still can just go back and play the other games. ive no idea how to end this. i love dragon age. i want to play datv again. i want to replay the whole series again with the knowledge of datv. and i probably will! i just. love dragon age and i hope this game wasnt a swan song but if it is. i think to me. thats fine

[abstractlesbian]

It's been 2 weeks since my mom got diagnosed with leukemia and she's reacting super well to treatment and her hospital stay is going as well as it possibly can and her prognosis is good

And I think I'm mostly coping well? The first week I could barely think or focus on anything but I'm starting to get back to normal "shit fucking sucks" stress levels instead of "my mom might die!?!" stress levels

Mental health has been a rollercoaster but the past few years have put me thru the ringer so I'm like oh I feel the paranoia/delusion/fear/dread/insomnia/hypochondria etc coming and I know what tools to reach for

It's not perfect but I'm more prepared to handle my mind than I used to be

I feel like my family is expecting me to go off the rails but I'm very much still on the rails. Theres turbulence but I'm holding strong.

I am making a terrible amount of impulse purchases tho. Woke up this morning and immediately bought a carebear teddy bear I gave away when I was 12. Bought way too many books and steam games this month anytime I was too sad or too stressed. I am my mothers daughter.

I also picked the worst possible time in the world to switch from weekly to bi-weekly therapy but I also don't want to switch back BC there's just so much talking with my dad and my mom and my sister and my grandparents and my coworker friend and my offline friends and my online friends + the journaling

So much updating ppl and talking about feelings and venting and problem solving

I've only had one therapy session since the diagnosis and I was unable to speak for the first 20 mins of it... But I also clearly need an outlet for all this shit BC I'm fucking writing a novel on tumblr rn lmao

But I'm not suicidal. I'm 5mo/5 years 5mo/8mo clean with different self harm methods. Not going overboard with substances, just some weed on Fridays/saturdays.

Only took one day off work, probably should've taken more.

Haven't torpedoed any of my relationships. Haven't had any major fuckups at work.

Not doing the best on chores but my dad and I are splitting the pet care / dishes pretty well and I'm managing to have enough clean clothes for work at least.

Idk shit sucks. Shit is exhausting. Shit is miserable.

But I'm getting thru it.

[agirlwithglam]

Hey, Vanilla!💕

I'm having a problem at school. I'm already in the final stretch of this school year and I have a bit of an idea what's going on. There was this guy in my class I was with for almost a month, and it was really intense, my feelings for him. Everything seemed perfect between us, but after a few weeks, he just seemed to want to run away from me. He'd say he liked me, but then say the problem was him, and it was clear he had emotional baggage. I tried talking to him about it, but it seemed like he didn't want to fix things; he always dodged me.

I could tell you many other things that happened, but I don't want to drag it out. Okay, so we drifted apart, but I always held onto the hope he'd come back and we'd work things out (I feel silly now for thinking that back then). Then, one day, he just showed up, dating another girl (found out through a friend). I felt uneasy when I heard, like I'd been used, just another conquest for him. But, even upset, I moved on.

But then on Monday, he started attending classes again (he rarely went due to work). I can't stand his presence; being around him makes me anxious, to the point my hands shake like I'm freezing all day. Honestly, all I feel when he's near is disgust. My friend gets mad at him because she knows what he did and how he still checks me out when I'm distracted (she keeps me posted). I try to ignore it, but can't focus on my tasks.

I've only shared this with one friend because I feel like she understands me best. I'm telling you this because I want to know how to deal with this situation. Transferring schools isn't an option since I'm almost done with the year, as I mentioned earlier, and switching classrooms isn't possible either (I spend the whole afternoon in the same classroom 😭 because, in Latin America, we don't have different classrooms and materials for each subject).

I don't want to talk to him because being near him makes me nauseous, and I've already tried that when we were closer. The worst part is how calm he seems, like he's unaffected; it makes me angry, and I feel like crying – I can't explain it. Please, help me out Vanilla 😓

(Sorry for my bad English 🥹)

hi princess 💓

ok first of all, i need you to realise and understand that you deserve better. you understand? this boy obviously has some problems which are HIS. its not your job to help or save him okay? especially if he's treating you like this.

also honey, cry. just let it out. let yourself get super upset and tear up papers. embrace this part of being a girl.

and also, distract yourself. i know he's in your class and it feels like he's just in your face, as if trying to flaunt the fact that "he doesn't care", but guess what? it's none of your business! whether he cares or not, ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

what you need to do is put your head down and focus on your own life. your friends, family, health, mindset, grades, career, future, YOURSELF. okay?

also one more thing, heal. maybe theres a part of you that relates or something which makes you feel so angry and emotionally intense around him. idk, im not a therapist or psychiatrist or anything but it might help to speak to a professional or search something up on a trustworthy website.

also off topic but your english? its so good i felt like i was reading a literal story/ book.

i apologise it isnt a lot to go on but i figured that it would be better for me to at least give you something bc if i left it in my drafts im afraid i may not get to it in a whiiiiiiiile.

xoxo, vanilla <3 keep shining!

[frostbite-the-bat]

stop that.

yknow how you can start with idk.. a mascot or vtubing? hit up an artist. support them. pay them. does your friend draw? maybe they'd be willing to help!

or maybe get involved!! start drawing yourself! in this day and age i know people are often very busy but if you have time to look at this ai shit and want a hobby like, as they for example say, fandom or vtubing - you probably have time to draw and design a thing.

its not about affordability, though yes, many adopts are overpriced but artists DESERVE PAYMENT FOR THEIR WORK!!! there are issues with adopts and scams and all this, and i agree that people hyping designs up because they're by someone famous is a bit... meh... and many artists will underprice because of this in the end.. but really. ai. is that your solution. stealing more art?

none of this is embracing creativity. you are stealing artwork. embracing creativity is being brave and drawing something yourself. even if it "sucks" at first - you created something! who else was going to draw it the same way you have? ai sure wont. it's just data making images based on prompts.

nobody can draw like you can!! embrace it!!! that's what is wonderful about art!!! i know people can be rude and exclude newbie artists, and people seek out these sleek "professional" art styles and you will get overlooked in certain areas of the internet if you DO not look like that. but like... why follow that??? just!! do your own thing!!!

i am all for supporting anyone starting art!! it is a difficult journey and i am still going through it!! but if you want to do an artsy thing WITHOUT putting any effort into the art itself... why fucking bother? why care? is art just assets to you??? how swallowed by everything corporate are you???

it's fucking disgusting that these people are SELLING these. art they didn't make themselves. i do give them props for "cleaning them up", at least there is minimal effort put in. but to me it is no excuse. you can draw then, right? make your own adopts!!! hell back then i had worse art and people bought my designs regardless because (it was cheap) and i put it where people sought adoptables in the community!! these people even turned their comments off. you don't even need to speak to them to get an adopt. you just buy it on the side and can download the image (which, is often cropped)

like my hand drawn adopts sold better and faster than most my base adopts - which i think says something??? not to say all base stuff is bad! it is not a bad thing. but going out of a comfort zone and drawing my own thing ended up working for me. here's the art below. it wasnt perfect but it was genuine. y'know?

you can make base adopts!! there were people even sought after and well known back then who made designs on bases and they sold WELL!! it allowed people to buy designs someone made and it was quicker with the help of a base. like as long as those are okay to use by the creator you can use them. theres nothing wrong. its like a coloring book. you still put in some effort and your own spin.

with this ai fixing you just fix the text being weird and the paw being off and are good. you did nothing.

sorry for popping off but it's pissing me off. i do believe that ai could be used for useful things - but art theft like this branded as CREATIVITY AND FREEDOM is. so sick to me. that's what ART is. that's what ANY CRAFT IS. that's not what telling words to a bot that shits out pictures based on other, real artists, art.

im so mad. ai art where fandoms come to life. no, artists who work their asses off making art for things they love out of passion is where fandoms come to life. interacting with fellow fans is where fandoms come to life. not this shit. i feel so bad for the new generation of young deviantart users. it wasnt perfect even back when when i began using it early 2015 - god it was horrible, but at least we didn't have art theft like this painted as CREATIVITY AND ART COMING TO LIFE! no the fuck you dont. but man things sure have changed since 2018, damn.

[bonkbobl]

omg hello !!! it’s me again (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و i’m so shocked that you wrote such great masterpieces in a short amount of time,, i was literally keeping an eye out on your acc because i looked forward to your continuation of beautiful fool so imagine my surprise when you posted not only the continuation, but two more separate one shots !! i literally DEVOURED all of them upon finding out you posted,, make a deal or play a game might have to be my new favorite of yours… he was so freakin devious making the reader beg for him 😭😭 (but so hot???!!!!) i was blushing the whole time agsjdgsj,,, he was so mean but so gentle??? got me giggling and kicking my feet 🤭 i also really loved happy to please (let’s be real here i love all your writings so far THEY WERE ALL SO GOOD)??? reader making him go feral there was so 🤭 i could totally see him pampering her and overstimulating her,, she’s shy but cheeky and devoted and sweet to him and he’s always so surprised like “… i can’t believe she really likes me…” the feeling of being wanted makes him go crazyyyyy LIKE???? … can u imagine the reader shying away during an intimate act of theirs at the end of a long day (maybe she hides her face in her hands bc she’s feeling to much of something) and he’s just like “no i wanna see you” and she’s just flushed and he’s goes even more feral?? (dude what if he interlocks his hands with hers and kisses her like????) what are your thoughts on this 🤔 (i just really like the idea of him going feral over whatever she does lol) anyways, ur a genius dear author <33 i hope you’re having a great time of day wherever you are !! i look forward to reading more of your writing if you have any that are a wip :)) take care !! (thank u for the meals bc u really served <333 i will def be re-reading them hehe) — 🩰 anon

stop it you're so sweet idk who you are but i love you 😭

ok about how quickly i'm writing these, i surprised even myself with that because even a couple years ago when i was at the peak of my fanfic writing days, i'd post like once a day (on my old blog which i deleted) and i've never been that productive again. im happy that people like roose though theres like a noticable lack of content for him.

AND YEAH SDLKFJDF happy to please only came up in my head because i saw a tiktok that said book roose said his first two wives would lay there silently and he found it somewhat endearing that walda would actually be vocal, which i thought was kind of sweet and out of character for him to say. my mind started wandering to what it would look like in action.

i can absolutely imagine like the second time they have sex, reader is very shy, covering her face as you said. and when roose tells her that he wants to see her, she forces herself to look at him. i think the dynamic i wrote in this fic, he's more loving with her so he'd probably prefer to take reader in missionary, particularly with his forearms resting on either side of her head, forehead pressed to hers. it'd make every noise she makes more audible, every microreaction more visible, and every time he wants to he can just lean down and brush her lips with his.

reader's probably braver and tries less to hide her pleasure going into the future.

roose probably never felt this kind of passion with anyone and he'd actually feel excited to bed her, sometimes catching his thoughts wandering during the day. then he snaps himself out of it and is like bruh im stupid theres so much work to do rn and im thinking about my wife. but seeing her is definitely always the highlight of his day.

on the overstimulation, i think reader probably helped him realize how much he likes eating pussy for sure. because shes so sensitive and reactive and she'll grab his hair and buck against his face shamelessly. he just thinks she's the most beautiful, most sexy thing he's ever seen and even after reader has cum so many times, it's addictive to him. he's always like "one more, i know you can give me one more, sweet wife."

its so much to the point of like when he finally fucks her, reader is squirming around so much and he has to calm her down with little kisses to her forehead and temple. and she can feel it every time his pelvis rubs against her clit.

i will be serving hot meals. i dont really know if i can finish by tonight but i have a lot of wips cooking up. i dont know how my posting frequency will change after school starts though so we'll see (it's starting soon)

[giuliano-fan-account]

Life Update

Im looking at my posts and I'm realizing how LONG AND DISORGANIZED they are holy crap and I haven't posted here in a long time

More Long and Disorganized post:

I think thats bc I was intending this account to be mostly posting about giuliano but I can't do it bc even though he changed my life guys hes fr my #1 alwyas and forever theres still so many other things i want to talk about so I'll just do both.

Kinda wanna be more active since i just want to say things all the time and also I should rmember that this is just a silly internet site and not everybody is silently watching me and judging me (well I'm sure like 2 people are, but even so it shouldnt matter that much)

Also sort of regretting my style of posting everything at once since it helps but also hinders me from saying everything i want... LOL

I'm glad people liked my chapter reviews but idk if i could finish it up to 400 bc of what the troupe flashback did to me, and I already made a post about giuliano in chapter 400 so like I think my job here is done

I think im like that 1 wdwune guy rn but like exclusively when Im on tumblr because i have no limits on here and I physically can't not go on a tangent abt this

IM TRYING TO MAKE A POST ABOUT SHALKURO BUT ITS SO HARD BECAUSE I HAVE SO MANY THINGS TO SAY LMAOOOO

Izunavi x Giuliano is so easy for me to talk about since they are just my brand but other things I'll have to find a way

I also have a post about Bill x Kurapika but like feeling a little shy to post it but if somebody wants me to i will !!!

2 make it up to you here's smth that idk if I will ever finish inspired by sacred by depeche mode its him guys its him (and also if the book has a depeche mode reference i would fall into the cult too)

Anyways have a good day 😄 Let the darkness consume you when you sleep (not in an intrusive thoughts sort of way)

[marinaiguess]

just finished watching sonic prime so why not share my thoughts on it? before i start rambling, i suggest you go watch it on netflix, it definitely deserves a watch.

now

Technicalities first (if i can call them that). So, judging as a viewer and not as a sophisticated critic who has read cinemtaography books, I’d say the show’s direction overall is pretty good. It’s nothing special but it’s pleasing and keeps you interested. The direction, the angles, the camera changes regarding placement and focus are well coordinated with the writing and each emotion each scene tries to convey. So, really, nothing new (i wasnt expecting a sonic show to make groundbreaking ways of storytelling through cinematography), but I believe it is worth mentioning because it plays a huge role on how one views the show. And there were many moments where I realized that a certain angle made the scene look more tense for example.

Animation! I think we all liked the bouncy styled animation, contrasting the hugely popular disney/pixar styled animation (which is good, dont get me wrong, but the animation tecnhique used in prime fits sonic a lot more imo). Also, the facial expressions are part of what made the show so great and enjoyable and I love how much emphasis they put on them, literally perfect. The details in animation, like the animalistic behaviours of sonic and co. and how they were depicted (ears twitching for example) are all very important and im glad they were implemented. And, I know a lot of us are focused on the facial expressions but we shouldnt forget abt the background as well. There definitely was attention to detail, details that were everywhere and completed the overall image of the show.

Music! the music is good what do you expect me to say like, oh that major g in the pirate scene made the scene look more tense but if it was a minor f it would make it a bit more sad and thus more fitting- no. the music was good. not surprised and props to everyone who worked on the music but i just dont think theres anything to add LOL.

Voice acting! Voice directing-wise? Really REALLY good, i wasnt expecting great performances but i was proved wrong and im happy about that. Now, for the main cast seperately? Devon has done an EXCELLENT job with his lines. His sonic voice is a combination of Roger Craig Smith and Ben Schwartz i believe but it’s also unique and very fitting for sonic, despite me not liking it at first. Brian as Eggman is meh for me, very good voice acting skills but i didnt like it that much. Ashleigh as Tails fit surprisingly well and idk why. Kazumi for rouge was a really good one, bringing rouge back to her sa2/heroes era and not the overly sexy and seducing voice she has in the games (i know its abt voice direction as well but yeah). big is meh, i dont like it. knuckles is pretty good tbh. and now, shadow the hedgehog. yes. ian did an excellent job voicing shadow and i LOVE LOVE LOVE his voice in prime, makes he’d sound like that in the games as well. i’ll stop now or i’ll start fangirling. 

Characters! I like the characters and sonic’s crew. the way the show’s written so far though has made me care about the post-apocalypse characters more than the other shatterverses. like, i like them all, yeah, but i care more about nine and knucks and rebel. maybe that was the point. also,HHHH WHY NOT BLAZE? why not silver? hoping to see them soon but PIRATE WORLD? there was a purple cat and a brown raccoon there but it wasnt blaze and marine. lost opportunity. (and rouge should have been the captain in the pirate one fr fr)

And finally, writing. I’ve seen a lot of opinions these days. Here’s mine. Good characterisation. Yes, it might surprise you but the characterisation is actually good. for every character. including sonic. maybe in a different post i could talk about every character but for now, i wanna talk abt sonic. bouncy, energetic, talkative, honest, lively, adhd coded, cheesy sometimes, reckless, extroverted who wants to work on his own from time to time. this is actually sonic. someone who loves his friends but doesnt listen to them cuz he has no patience. someone who conveys his emotions with actions and puts words aside. someone who likes to lay back once in a while, but not when the whole world is broken to pieces. someone who wants to save everyone, puts everyone above him and his needs. someone who cant stop talking, making witty remarks and jokes despite the given situation cuz he never gives up and is always hopeful and optimistic. frontiers gave us a different view of sonic’s character but it’s a very different situation as well. yet, if you carefully compare the two, you’d see how much things they have in common and how prime! sonic is very well written. 

overall writing is okay. characterisation is very good, interactions between characters are very good but some could have been better(some moments were too short for my liking), easter eggs, there are many and are greatly appreciated, many details, the recap of the prev episodes was really funny and clever but I feel like we were deprived of some great opportunities. like, eggman nega with eggman instead of the chaos council. thats just an example. and im not too salty abt it cuz it’s mainly a kids show and it shows. im glad that its enjoyable for adults like me as well though.

thats all folks. no one asked for this but youre getting it anyway.

[chaosmadden]

i figured you would say vovv!! i love it too!! def a fave from this year for me!! but the claymation short sounds cute i'm gonna check it out 👀 i really gotta get into ducktales though i know you and like everyone else loves it!

but ooh that's the next descendants book coming! i assume you've read them all?? did you read them before the movies came out? but yes i'd love to visit auradon too!! and other places would be halloweentown and the wizard world!

speaking of vovv, who are your favorite characters and why? you can rank if you want! and dynamics too!! do you associate any songs with the characters/dynamics? and did any of those songs or just dc songs make your spotify wrapped or apple music replay this year? -gcwca secret santa

this descendants special !! idk why i like it so much i like that ghe tears are made of glitter lmao. something about it to me is so comforting and charming (no pun intended) and ducktales is very silly and fun and theres so many characters and dynamics to love! so if u check it out i hope u like it :D

YEAH i have followed the books! i know they arent a perfect canon but they can be quite fun. and year before i watched d1 i read the first book and also Mals spellbook, which i didnt realize was a mistake cuz it spoiled the movie lmfaooooo but when i realized that i was like "well! im already this far in!" and finished it anyway 💀 i was a different breed that summer lmfao the amount of fanart and playlists i was creating for a movie i hadnt seen yet. also they posted School of secrets webisodes daily and i have such a nostalgia tied to waiting every day for them to drop !!

oml wait oh wow ok. this is so hard to rank genuinely cuz everyones so good 😭😭😭 like idk i really like the dynamics between the kids (all 3 maddens + hartley) i LOVE milo lmfao he is legendary i am so pleased w him and amy being frenemies its so fun. hartmy is for sure in love and i think havoc and starling are exes 😃 starling x jake is amusing but i really like the idea that theyre just gay best friends trying to hang out. bc gay friendships are that dramatic lmfaoOOO also i love the kids relationship w their parents a lot, i could go into that in more detail but particularly jake and vic, amy and eva, and especially colby with each of their parents i think it is all so so fun

also this isnt related but i dont care for declan vovv but his actor plays my fav character in power rangers and in the recent PR season he was evil for a lot of it and i was like oml playing oculan really inspired something in you LMAOOOOOO but it was quite fun (i love power rangers stream dino fury/cosmic fury on netflix!!!! it has lesbians!! and dinosaurs!! and ollie akana!!)

[magnoliamyrrh]

What drove you to convert to islam?

well, thats a long story now

i was born and raised orthodox - ive always had a complicated relationship with religion, because on the one hand there is a lot of beauty, peace, and wisdom i found in it, on the other hand theres plenty of shit that either just didnt make sense to me, theologically speaking, and also a bunch of mostly sexist shit which really pissed off me since i was a kid. i do have a lot of religious trauma - mostly from my fathers side of the family who is much more orthodox, conservative, traditional, and who very much shoved religion (and a bunch of sexist shit) down my throath, got the idea of being inherently sinful in my head as a kid, whole bunch of shit. my father is also.... psychotic and he is what we call a habotnic, a religious extremist who, well, has bordderrrline essentially more or less joined a cult-like section of the orthodox church made up mostly of men whod been kicked out of the church (many who also happen to be pedos lmao rip) and i grew up with religion being used to justify a whole bunch of horrible shit - shit he did to me, how he treats and abuses his wife, etc

so, when i got older, 11-12 ish, i very much had a backlash against it. nevermind being an atheist, nevermind an edgy atheist faze, i outright hated it and found it to be wholly dangerous. and i did indeed have valid complaints mostly abt sexism, homophobia, hypocrisy, etc. at the same time, i had a fascination with dissecting religion and trying to understand it and studying it, something i had even before then. this went on for some years, and i continued to have an interest in theology; eventually, when i was idk 14ish, i started to have some softer and more malluable views on religion and orthodoxy - also coincided w understanding that religion wasnt what made my father an insane piece of shit, it was simply a tool he used to justify things and a path he went down on - but he could have gone insane down whatever other line

so, for a time i tried to get back into orthodoxy. this was partially from a spiritual perspective, but tbh moreso bc i was trying to keep onto something which reminded me of home in this damn empty and cold country. this is when i started to veil too, before i had anything at all to do w islam, i started praying, i started keeping onto certain traditions more. also when i got into traditional romanian magic moreso. still, i may have been trying to take the best of orthodoxy, but i felt like it never really... fit. there is a lot of beauty i still find in it to this day, and occasionally i still go to a monestary or church, i still hold onto certain traditions but no matter how hard i tried i never quite... felt it? .... and either way, after you have gone through a certain amount of horror in life, it tends to get harder to believe in things like the divinity of everything or that theres any possible sense at all to all the horrid cruelty on this planet etc etc.... i do still struggle w this to this day lol. but. also, i knew christianity so well, had already turned it on every which side, i found that even if i tried, i still had a long series of theological issues with it (many of which i dont remember after all these years, but i do remember that the trinity was one of them)

anyhow, i did keep trying for awhile. and in this whole process, i kept coming across things abt islam. this was also the years when islam was always in the news, usually in a negative light or something abt terrorism, so, it was quite frequently part of mainstream discussions. and i was curious, bc of that, bc i was curious abt theology in general, and bc partially growing up in dobrogea, i knew a very gentle and soft, beautiful islam which was the one of the turks and tatars, who were our neighbors w good food and good music and gentle, soft spoken voices like honey who were always nice to me. and i knew of islam from story books and such, one of my favourite childhood books to this day is a beautifully drawn romanian version of one thousand and one nights. so, idk, i kept coming across things, and i was curious so i looked into it

and... hm. i dont remember quite what first got me. but i did find it interesting, and i found that it solved some of the theological issues and gaps that i had with christianity, answered quesions to which the orthodox seemed to have no answer, made things click into place here and there, annuled some of the illogical loops and hypocricy which bothered me.. i found the analysis and discussion around it fascinating, so much more lively than ones i had seen in orthodoxy. i found the way hadith and quran functioned together to be fascinating, and the entire system behind it - even if today i hold different views of hadith.... i found sharia to be fascinating - and how things would fit into place and work together, shifting parts of a whole legal system and way of life intertwined. sharia always carries such a scary connotation to so many people, and yet, i dont think its a system bound neither to failure neither to opression - the question here is moreso whose sharia interpreted by who and implemented by who. i didnt have any plan to convert to it lol, and yet, it intrigued me enough that i felt a drive to keep digging and digging into it, to keep turning over in my head this and that about it, like some string or force was pulling me

most of all i think i found the qur'an itself to be.. captivating, once curiousity got to me and i started reading it. like sharia, it clearly had to be understood as a whole, and reading it for the first time and seeings its progression and how it builds upon itself was an experience in and of itself. i genuinely enjoyed spending hours reading and listening abt what this means what that meant etc. and it is so direct and personal, moreso than many other religious texts. i did find many parts of it stricking, moving, piercing. its prose and flow are beautiful. it feels alive, as if it is speaking to you, looking back into your eyes and right through your soul. i fell in love with it. and yet, it also feels like this capsule in time - while i no longer hold the commonly held idea that the qur'an is unchanged and there is only one, it can be said that as far as studies can tell from the oldest quranic manuscripts found, it is indeed remarkably well preserved - as if reading the pages you can hear and see them echo throughout time, back to when the words were first spoken..... quran recitation is very beatiful too, and i found there to be something... very meditative, tranquil, calm, soothing in it. something else that felt like it echoed through time. it also reminded me of the way orthodox priests give sermons, which i always found very beautiful and entrancing as well

i appreciated its call for reason, that i do remember particularly drew me in. that it would repetedly, repetedly call for one to question and think and it would give examples of the existence of divinity and explanations and even ask one to try to disprove things- it felt less like blind faith, more like this book was holding an active dialogue with you, and i really liked that. many of them are so beatiful too, many of them call upon nature and its wonders, and i supoose, even when my belief in a god was on very shaky ground, in nature i always saw divinity anyhow. i did find it interesting too how many of the verses did show an understanding of natural phenomenon, could be interpreted in a way which was less science-breaking than the bible, and called upon these phenomenon as signs of divinity.... and i appreciated its call to justice as well, its striving for a just system, society, and way of life. i appreciated its call to struggle for the sake of allah - jihad, which doesnt only mean wartime fighting (which is supoosed to be a very last resort).... its call for the end of opression, and the responsability of each person to do something about ending said opression and injustice

i found its understanding of god to be beautiful, and to make sense - my understanding of this developed more later when i came across sufism, and when i started doing shrooms too lol, but. i always felt the heart of it. which is the oneness of god, pure monotheism; because god is one, and god is indeed all that exists; indeed, everything is one. this is the same thing psychedelics teach you - ego death as its often called - and what many religious rituals of plenty of religions around this world seek to understand, achieve, feel, live by. it could be said that since there are high chances human conciousness developed along w psychedelic use, and since our african ancestors certainly did psychedelics, we are indeed genetially and biologically programmed as a part of our evolution and history to experience and understand ego death - to see and feel and become the connection and thread which runs through everything, the oneness of everything, the singularity of everything, unbound by time. this is what islam seeks as well.... hm. i liked that islam understood allah, unlike in christianity in which god is reffered to almost exclusively as a father sort of figure, to be not like any other thing, and most certainly not male. unbound, unconstrained, never fully knowable to us as humans..the 99 names of allah are beatiful, and i was drawn in by how many times the qur'an proclaimed allah to be all merciful, all forgiving, all loving, etc

.... there was something about it all, the more i looked into it, which brought me a sense of peace, calmness, ease... i found the way of life it promoted to be one of peace - i liked that you were supposed to pray five times a day, i liked that there were certain ways of doing things, i liked that muslims lived like the older romanian people did, always mentioning the name of allah and always aware of divinity. the idea of freedom not being getting to do whatever you may please, but rather living by a series of constraints, to make much sense - and i was drawn to it a lot more than this modern western do what you want individual freedom reigns supreme mindset... i liked that sharia was concerned with the common good and community before it was concerned with the individual.. i liked that islam promoted a middle path, i liked that it called for moderation and reason (things which my father never had), and showed a way of life which was almost monk-like, without leading to monastic seclusion.... i had always wanted to be a nun, you see, and parts of islam drew me in because of that. there were certainly many muslims, mainly sisters, who impressed me in their faith and way of life, the energy and aura that would clearly radiate off of them - women who lead by example, and by only doing so, would make one curious as to how they have come to be this way

i had an interest in other religions as well. i knew some of my ancestors were jewish, and yet judaism is a hard religion to convert to, and harder to be accepted into - and while i have read the old testament several times, i never quite felt a strong connection to it. i was fond of other christian denominations like the quakers for example, i found some of the theological points of protestants to be intriguing, but i still had many of the same issues with it. i find hinduism, buddhism, and sikhism to be beautiful religions with much wisdom - and to an extent being fond of certain kinds of sufism is to adopt a hindu or south east asian influence or to reach similar understandings at least; they are sister religions - but while i look into them, they never really felt like something id follow; not on their own

islam brought me a sense of home, it all did. so much of it simply made sense to me and clicked into place, it felt like learning something i had already known, discovering something that had always been within myself - i supoose, this is why we use the word revert rather than covert, because it feels more like coming back into the fold of islam..... and hm. both arab and turkish cultures felt... very much like home to me, never like something foreign. they made sense, i instantly understood them, both the good and bad parts - so many things were so similar to our own, and to me, they felt, and still do feel, like a second home. later after some years of converting when id go to masjids and eid and such, i again very much found that among the arabs i felt so much more at home than i ever did among the americans. and islam itself, there are many things which i saw which were so similar to orthodoxy, and this brought me a sense of comfort and home as well. and i always associated islam too with the turks and tatars in dobrogea, and so, islam never felt like a foreign thing to me - as converting to another religion may have - rather the religion and culture of our neighbors whom we had so much in common with

.... it just.. it really felt like there was some force pulling me, i had a unending thirst and drive to understand more. id get lost in spending hours reading the quran, id get lost in spending hours trying to understand it. id spend the nights awake reading and contemplating..... i dont know if it makes sense, but i dont mean this in a meme way - it very much felt like islam chose me, not like i chose it. it very much felt like i had become muslim before i had made any such decision, my soul had already made it for me, and i was the one who later realized and accepted it. islam, the word, comes from the word submission, sometimes said to mean peace in submission. i had already felt it in my bones, the submission to its truth and allah, the onesess of everything, before i realized it. it simply was - looking back, it was a very similar feeling to the one you get on psychedelics. you simply.. understand.... i knew my family would likely forsake me. i knew my country outside of dobrogea would forsaken me. i knew many muslims would forsake me for being gay.... but even if i had wished to go back, it was too late, for i had already seen, and felt, and understood, and there was no denial left. alhamdulilah, i do thank allah for guiding me, for it certainly felt like being guided

i have never known as much peace as i knew in those first, hm, months and years, despite the fact that things were hard back then, especially with my family, and my parents were at the peak of being abusive. i never felt such a connection to god and everything, such a suredness, groundedness, and strengh of faith...... it is something i miss, and i regret that these days i do not often pray the five daily prayers, and do not keep fast as often as i did, and do not live with allah in my heart as much. inshallah, i will get back on the path. i did used to be a lot more orthodox back then, islamically orthodox. and as the years passed my relationship with islam and allah changed, and when i came across sufism for the first time, i realized that it was the heart and soul of the religion which i knew, had felt myself, and had been searching for

i believe there is truth in all religions, they are different paths to take, different understandings which seek the same goal. i do not believe in sects, nor do i believe in devision between religions much... we all have our paths; my understandings of islam may have changed over the years, and i may have had, and still have, my struggles, but this will always be the home and refuge of my soul, and the path i walk