#idk how to go about my day now everything i eat or drink i'm terrified

[cachien]

.

[ghost-bison]

Introduction Post

Dear creature, abstract concept, wildebeest and whoever else stumbles upon this, hello!

If you are here, it must mean you are a Doctor Who enjoyer or maybe a lost little Teen Wolf/Vampire Diaries fan. If the latter's true, then sorry bug, I rarely ever post about those anymore, the hyperfixation is over :( But if you want some Doctor Who content then hi girl. welcome here I think

So here's a random info dump about me to either trigger your fight-or-flight response or become sisters:

I'm an artist. I mean that's what you call people who create stuff and I do that a lot: I write and I draw and I annoy the shit out of my neighbors by reorganizing my room in the middle of the night (for the sake of architecture)

I almost always take 20 years to answer texts

I haven't really slept since 2016

If you want to unleash the curse, then you may mention Doctor Who in my presence, or Catherine Tate/Christopher Eccleston/David Tennant

My top 3 Shakespeare plays are Winter's Tale, Much Ado About Nothing and Hamlet

I'm really enthusiastic about literary analysis, zombie apocalypse media, ghost stories, Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind and Beksiński. Like really enthusiastic

I had the biggest obsession with Derek Hale for 10 years to the point where it got embarrassing. Like if you talked shit about Derek I would bite, and after seeing the shitty-ass movie I didn't talk for 3 days

I'm terrified of the dark, that québecois show called Têtes à Claques TV and Gojo Satoru fans

I listen to everything, but my fave genres are probably country, celtic music and whatever you call that other genre that has geniuses like Michael Malarkey, Adrianne Lenker, Jenny Hval, Sharon Van Etten, Vashti Bunyan, Kyla La Grange, Kate Bush, Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds etc... like idk what it's called, I just call it cottagegore personally

I also love B-52's, Portishead, Foo Fighters and Minnie Riperton

Favourite foods and drinks are black tea with milk, well-seasoned tomatoes, bananas and reese's

But I'm also a bit of a raccoon I'll eat anything. even that fake concrete you find in kids' construction kits cause it smells really nice

I have adhd, anger issues, dyscalculia and sometimes in the street I look at my feet and then my thumbs because if I don't then I'm afraid I'll teleport. They had me do an IQ test once and said I was below average in some fields. it made me laugh

I kept getting into trouble at school because of how spacey and unhinged I was (I wasn't a troublemaker or anything I just didn't know what was going on)

I'm part of the crowd that thinks humans are more interesting than other animals (sorry bugs I love cat videos as much as the next person but we're just such a fascinating species)

I wanna move to Scotland soon

I had a pet fish once. Philippe. He was nice

I'm bi but I've never had a straight crush on a guy before except Christopher Eccleston and Jean-Pierre Polnareff (from Jojo)

I wonder if one day I'll feel like an adult

My works as of now:

"I'll see you when I fall asleep" (Doctor Who - TenDonna)

[fullsunstrawberry]

hey girlllll

okay first- the chap was SO GOODDDDD and i’m so excited for your nct reactions and texts!

also your tattoo with your mom is so cute 🥰🥰 and the designs for your seventeen ones are adorable so i’m sure your nct dream ones will be super cute as well <333

i want to get a tattoo but let’s be so fr i’m so scared of needles 💀 kao (bf) has a bunch of tattoos and they’re so cute but i personally would never - your so brave for thiss

also mother in law apologized thankfully so so more problems there :)

my life has been pretty boring tbhhh i’m living with kao rn but he’s pretty busy with his med school things rn so i barely see him 😢

i really need friends 😭

BUT ITS NOT LIKE I DONT HAVE FRIENDS my two ride or dies (yes we are a trio but we’ve known eachother since 2nd grade and there has been 1 argument that lasted 30 mins 💀) are literally so far away 🥲 missing them 24/7 but we have our weekly group facetime soon so 😋🤞

ugh life has been so boring recently fr i need a hobby asap

i feel like i’ve lost all my interests because i’m high school i would lterally do math for fun and that’s the last thing i need to do rn 😭 like sure i did. volleyball but where in nyc am i going to okay volleyball like be so fr rnnn

WNYWAY HOW ARE YOUUUU????? TELL ME EVERYTHING 😜😜😜😜😜

i have an obsession with these emojis i find them so funny

also my niece/cousin idk but she’s so like… IDKKK- she’s middle school high school age but i feel like i’m just on a whole different planet bc she’s so into everything like i need to keep up frrr

ANYWAY

make sure to drink lots of water and eat lots of good foodss- i love youuu 😜💓💓💓💓❤️❤️❤️‼️‼️‼️

also congrats on your blog growth! you deserve it fr

I got a bunch of nct random texts that I'm gonna post soon 🤪 but I gotta make some enhypen ones too cause my master list is lookin a little biased 😅

ahh thank you! i gotta hurry and get more kpop tattoos because my mom has more than me (she has two bts tattoos and wants a txt one)

i was terrified of needles but i had to get a bunch of blood work done when i was younger, so i’m a pro now 😤😤

if my partner had and tattoos i would color them in with markers if they had black and white ones

life’s been pretty boring for me too that’s actually why i made this account cause i used to have a tumblr way back and post on it but it became too hectic with my schedule…so i deleted it. but now i’m not really doing anything i love how hectic i post!! it gives me something to do and look forward to

i’m also in a friend group of 3 💀 but mine is kinda rocky because the other two always fight and im in the middle sometimes… but i love both of them and one of them might read this 🤪🤪

i still have lunch with them every other day in school but one of them is going to a different school and im gonna make sure we don’t drift apart 😤😤

most of my hobbies involve technology lol…

i like to make random webpages and of course video games, mostly sims or acnh.

But i love scrapbooking and i know a lot of people do it online now but nothing beats cutting up pictures and gluing it to a cute notebook or having a pen pal and decorating my letters

also photocard trading is fun and helps keep me busy

i’m glad the mil apologized because no one wants bad blood in a new marriage!!

i love using emoji’s because i don’t wanna sound boring when i’m writing and i can only use “T^T” so much

SAME! my cousin is younger than me and she makes me feel so old even tho i’m young! but she talks about tiktokers and celebrities i have no clue who they are nd half of the words she says, i’m like what?

tysm!! i’m surprised on how well my blog is doing, I love how many people have reach out to talk to me! It means a lot 😩❣️

don’t skip a meal!! 🥰🫶

[oohlook-thevoid]

Long vent post, going on the tags coz I'm in mobile and can't do the cut thing.

[intergalacticaquarium]

more terrible no good headcanons for eddie disaster dreamboat munson

I said that if anybody made him too cool I'd have to add more and that's exactly what I'm gonna do babes because I had to scroll for way to long to find him making spagetti-os

(posting again bc it wasn't showing in the tag)

(first post)

-genuinely doesn't know what those stains are. Didn't even know it was stained bc he's had the same fitted sheet on it with one corner tugged off for 8 months and forgot about them since last time

-throws away Tupperware if the stuff in it is too gross

-he's pretty sure that green sour candy counts as a vegetable so he does eat at least 3 a day.

-just. Doesn't ever throw things away. Stupid shit like the backs of band aids and paper straw wrappers and napkins and hooooo boy this has turned into a callout post about myself

-sometimes horseflies fly into his hair and get stuck and he can hear them buzzing around and doesn't necessarily so anything about it right away until it stops

-no room for legs in the front seat of his car that space is reserved for old fast food bags

-buys new underwear instead of doing laundry

-hey why do I keep writing genuinely embarrassing things that I literally do irl. Is this really worth putting myself and the 4 huge bags of laundry I have in my tiny car and all my band aid wrappers on blast. Next I'm gonna write that every surface in eddies house is covered in stacks of hobbies and papers that feel like a goddamn archeological dig every time I clean

-psych he does that too

- ok things that I don't also do so that I don't start having a crisis that makes me a tidier person:

-feeds a family of raccoons that live in an abandoned hunting cabin in the woods

-one time he let one live in his closet for a bit and hoped Wayne wouldn't notice (this may explain some of the stains)

-this boy spills. Everything. He's a hand talker and it doesn't matter if he's holding something.

-the hand talking is also terrifying when in a car he is driving

-never drinks water ever and it stresses ppl out

-every single time he sees somebody he knows in public he will try and sneak up on them to scare them

-wears shoes inside bc he broke glass on the carpet months ago and he doesn't want to vacuum.

-the only place he has to actually sit and do anything I his room is his bed because everything else is covered in stuff

-everything is covered in stuff but every drawer he has is empty

-theres one category of things he owns that is organized absolutely meticulously and idk what it is but he's very proud of it and when he says he's "cleaning his room" it means organizing like band tees alphabetically or sorting minifig painting supplies and everything else stays trashed

-it's a perm and he did it himself in his bathroom 100%

-hair dye stains all over the bathroom from an ill advised look a while back. and maybe a few more times

-doesnt have a compulsive habit to bite his nails he does it bc he can never find the damn fingernail clippers

-notes and doodles. All over his arms

- yknow how when u were in school by the last day you'd have like one pencil and nothing else and u kept a hold of it bc you couldn't find any others?

- eddies been at that point since about half way thru his first senior year. He has one pencil and it is a stub (it is a d.a.r.e. pencil and he does find it funny) with no eraser and it's not sharp and it had a million bite marks on it

-has little stoner burn holes in all his clothes all his sheets his matress his sheets and the seats on his car bc he needs to be more careful and is gonna end up starting a fire someday

-wait that last one was a me thing

-maybe this is how I can embrace my flaws. make eddie do em too. it's cute when he's disgusting

-I no longer have improve myself at all

-puts random food in his pockets for later even though it will get linty. Gonna go ahead and say that I don't do this.

-isn't actually that good at guitar it turns out

-I gotta stop myself now because I know they'll just keep comin but add any you can think of or dm me because every time he gets worse he gets more of my love so like 2 give him a hug reblog 2 spray him with a hose

[ruvviks]

🤡🧳 🗺️🍳💖 and a bonus of 🎲 for both cassidy and ronan <33

HEHEHEE THAMK YOU SO MUCH RENA >:))

🤡 - what’s something dumb they’re embarrassed about?

cassidy gets very easily embarrassed about pretty much anything. he believes that when he says something a bit out of place or something he shouldn't have said he has ruined Everything for himself and he takes this very very seriously unfortunately LMFAO it's kind of like. "enjoy your meal" "you too" situation but he truly just believes he has to die now SHGFJDHJDGF

🧳 - what countries have they been to?

cassidy has never left night city much further than the badlands :// he would love to visit other countries but. it also terrifies him LMFAO he would need to hype himself up so much. and then he'd get homesick </3

🗺️ - what languages do they speak?

cassidy knows english, spanish, italian and sign language :] he uses sign language pretty regularly when he's overwhelmed or on bad sensory days and also occasionally speaks spanish with luna! italian is something he's just known all his life though he doesn't really know why. it's just a language they spoke at home sometimes. but he can't remember much from his childhood since he got into a coma at some point in his life so he can't remember the fact his father is part italian LMFAO it's fine he'll figure it out

🍳 - how well can they cook?

answered here!

💖 - how and how often do they try to impress their partner(s)? how and how often do their partner(s) impress them?

cassidy really needs validation basically at all times but also isn't one to actively go looking for it because it makes him feel bad :/ he doesn't want to like. inconvenience others or act too needy. especially not with his partner. so the only times he would want to impress them is when they need to do Something and cassidy seems to be the only one who's able to do it, he'll get very !!!!!! about it because he also loves being helpful. making himself useful. AND he gets to show off his skills. that's the only kind of scenarios he's actively doing it

on the other hand, he is essentially in constant awe of his partner, everything about them makes him !!!!!!!!!!! all the time and he finds many new things to love about them every single day. which he also writes down in his notebook by the way. very important to mention

🎲 - [random question] coffee or tea?

coffee! though you can barely call it coffee anymore he puts so much sweet stuff in it LMFAO imagine the sweetest starbucks drink you can think of. That's his order. yeah

🤡 - what’s something dumb they’re embarrassed about?

ronan gets embarrassed about a lot of things but also either forgets about it very quickly or goes "wait i don't care actually" and that fixes him. he DID however eat shit once because he tripped over his own feet because he was too busy staring at john (when john has already joined the resistance. this makes no sense to the people who don't know about my canon but just trust me please) and nick is still bullying him for it many years later LMFAO

🧳 - what countries have they been to?

ronan has never left the united states and given the state of the world he probably never will </3 it's fine though he would probably die in another country. idk how he would do that but he seems like the kind of guy who would fucking. find a way SGHFDGHDFJ

🗺️ - what languages do they speak?

ronan speaks english and spanish!

🍳 - how well can they cook?

he's decent enough? nothing special but also not bad at all, he's very good at like. eyeballing things. just doing something and it works out. he's like "i don't know how long i have to cook this for but i'm gonna go ahead and assume it's [...] minutes" and somehow he's always right

💖 - how and how often do they try to impress their partner(s)? how and how often do their partner(s) impress them?

ronan knows it's not easy to impress john so he probably. wouldn't even try LMFAO he's just a guy <3 living his life <3 though when john actually does end up impressed ronan goes !!!!!!!!!!!! and he secretly wishes it would happen more often but. well. he doesn't put in any effort also because he knows other people around him would be 🤪 [affectionately] about it and he is not going to deal with the facking circus <3 SGHFJDHGDFJ

john impresses ronan regularly but he's not doing it on purpose. the fact that he joined the resistance. actually rolled up his sleeves and got to work. and didn't run away despite having many chances for it. that already made ronan go !!!!! because he had 100% expected john to just Flee. but he stayed. much to think about

🎲 - [random question] how comfortable would they be wearing a skirt or dress?

very much so >:^) ronan has bigger things to worry about so clothing = clothing to him and he Knows he would look good in a dress so why not wear one right. only problem is he still manspreads like the whore he is so. well. i mean. i'm not complaining but. sir. hello

oc asks!

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw: eating disorder

idk if this is the right place to ask, but do you have any advice or resources for trying not to be self loathing or convincing yourself that it's okay to eat? I don't think i have an eating disorder by diagnosable standards, but I often have issues with eating and body image. and I know I shouldnt hate myself for not looking how I want and I would never ever judge anyone else on their appearance, it's just one of those stupid internalized things where it's perfectly fine for everyone else *but* you. and no matter how much I logically know my brain is being stupid and I need to eat to live and it's okay to not have a "perfect" body, I still cant help how I feel, and I hate that I hate myself and punish myself for something so arbitrary and superficial.. I try to push it away but it's been getting harder again lately and I don't know how to make it better and I hate feeling this way. I want to love myself but even body neutrality is hard right now.. thank you for reading and any help offered

Ahoy there Anon,

I'm so sorry that you've been going through eating issues- it's such a painful thing to struggle with not liking your body, and not feeling like it deserves to be nourished. Even though you don't have a diagnosis, your thoughts and feelings about yourself and eating are completely valid- not having a diagnosis (or feeling like you won’t meet the criteria for one)!will never make what you're going through any less real, or any less valid!

I feel a lot of the same things, especially as I'm working through recovery. I promise, you're not alone in feeling this way- even if the thoughts are terrifying, and loud, and always seem to focus only on you. You’re working so hard to fight them, and I’m so proud of you.

Something I like to do when the self-loathing voice is loud (other than distractions, which I love both using and recommending!) is finding what’s causing it. When I feel myself starting to spiral, and when I feel my brain telling me that something’s wrong with my body, it’s almost always coming from another place of stress- like an essay I’m currently working on, or a big deadline I’m getting ready for. Once I can find the real source of what’s putting so much pressure on my brain- and what’s making me want to revert to old behaviors that brought me relief- it makes the disordered thoughts seem weaker.

Finding out what the real self-loathing source is can be pretty difficult sometimes- especially if the thoughts are the kind that give you a hard time focusing on anything else. If mine are too mean to work around, that’s when I’ll make use of distracting myself- it can be a text or call to someone you know, or something as simple as taking note of everything your body is feeling instead of your brain. Being able to focus on “my head is laying on a soft pillow” or “the tea I’m drinking is warm, and tastes nice” helps me feel more grounded, and makes me focus on what my body can do instead of how it looks to me. (It also helps me take my mind off of a mistake I made, if that's what triggered the onslaught!)

For convincing myself that it's okay to eat, something that helps me out on difficult days is giving myself something comforting to touch while I'm eating. This can be something as big as a blanket, or something as small as a bracelet that I'm wearing- anything that helps to associate a positive sensation with eating.

If these don't work for you, don't worry! That's okay! Everyone's struggles are different, and everyone has different needs too. This is a general list of coping strategies for disordered eating- you're allowed to use whatever techniques and resources work best for you!

You’re so worthy of everything good in the world, and I can't even begin to say how happy I am that you're here.

Thank you for being with us today, Anon, and thank you for bringing so much good into the world. I hope this helped you- you're working so hard to beat this, and I believe in you. We're here if you ever want to reach out again- even if it's just for some extra support!

-Mod Nova 💫

[fictional-worlds-are-exquisite]

thank you! i think you're genuinely the only person that has ever said they actually like the fact that my bathrobe is obnoxiously pink. and you're absolutely right, one of the things i like most about it is that it hurts people's eyes. i love it actually. if you ever celebrate halloween you should absolutely add your bathrobe to your costume. an amazing idea. since it has a mouse face on the hood it could be two costumes rolled into one - both a vampire and a mouse (if in the middle of the evening you get bored of one), which i think would be awesome. and you probably wouldn't get cold (is it cold in nz during halloween? because here it almost always is). we don't celebrate halloween in lithuania either though. which i'm a bit bummed about, because halloween sounds super fun. mostly because of the dressing up! but i did celebrate it once, when i was 11 or 12 maybe? me and a couple of friends decided it would be fun even if it's not really celebrated here. so we dressed up, even went trick ir treating (half the houses had no idea what was happening and also i pretty much froze to death because i was dressed as a dead bride and refused to put a coat on because then you couldn't see my dress) and also watched horror movies. 12 (or 11) year old me thought it was amazing.

oh yeah! i've broken a knife on 2 separate occasions i think. once i tried to get something out of between the blender's blades, used a knife and then accidentally turned the blender on (i'm so fucking glad it was a knife and not my fingers). so the tip of the knife broke off (the blender was ok tho). and the second time i have no idea how it happened. i was cutting up broccoli and the knife just fell apart??? i was so confused, because one second i'm holding a knife and the next it's just two pieces of a handle and the metal part, all separate. had fun explaining that to my dad. you sound pretty unlucky too! i mean, a cut every time you use a knife, but you don't even notice it at the time? i think it's just that knives are out to get us (it's my newest conspiracy theory). i actually get double vision too sometimes! mostly when i'm tired, but i just figured that it was because i have really bad eyesight

they definitely SHOULD teach about gender and sexuality in school. it's a really big problem that in a lot of places it's either not compulsory or not even in the curriculum. honestly, everything i know about sex ed or lgbtq+ i had to learn myself on the internet, because we only had one class when we were like 13 years old with a guest speaker and it was mostly biology and then a little bit about menstruation and pads for girls (i have no idea what they told boys because we were also separated). so sex ed definitely sucks a lot in my country and i bet it's the same in a lot of others, which makes me really mad

exactly!! it's so hard to tell whether i'm feeling romantic or platonic love sometimes! it's confusing. also i remember one time me and a couple of friends had a sleepover and the friend's, who was hosting, parents weren't home so we watched romance movies (scandalous i know). again we were maybe 12. and they kept going "oh he's so hot" and intensely watching the sex scenes. while i was looking away from the tv whenever sexy times were going on and commenting on how much i loved the house design and the garden. gee i wonder what that means. (still can't believe it took me this long to figure out i was ace)

the breakfast went very well though! it's so interesting how different traditions are everywhere. i hope your lunch and the rest of christmas day went well too! (also i forgot to ask last time, but what is boxing day? google says it's mostly a shopping holiday, is it that? we just call it the second day of christmas and it's pretty much the same as christmas day but there's no presents!) but yeah i hope you had fun with your extended family on boxing day!

having acid reflux sounds like it sucks. i love breakfast, it's my favourite meal of the day (when i don't have to rush that is) and i skip lunch a lot because i usually have no time for it (my schedule kinda sucks), so i usually try to have a bigger breakfast. but hey, peanut butter is good! so at least you can have something that tastes good for breakfast!

aaand i feel like this ask got away from me. sorry it's so long!

it’s because i have t a s t e. it may not be GOOD taste but it sure is...taste...and i am proud of it. and yes, i love the idea of adding my dressing gown to my costume specifically because it means i’m basically in my PJ’s. minimal effort. comfort to the max. living the dream. halfway through the night i’m tired of being the vampire no one invites in so i drop to my knees and start the mouse act. mice are good at getting in houses and getting to chocolate and such. the dream. also i absolutely would get bored of one costume within the space of a few hours knowing me, so that’s a plus. uhhhh halloween is october which is. mid-late spring so it really depends on the day. it might be a little cold, might be shorts weather. I rarely leave my house at night so I’m not an expert on nighttime temperatures sdflsdfjsd. 

I used to wish we did Halloween here but that was mostly because I wanted lollies. Although I also liked playing dress up as a young kid so maybe very young me would’ve vibed with the costume aspect. I know there’s a photo of me when I was like, 5 and my best friend of the time dressed up as witches at some point, maybe we had our own little halloween. I also possibly had a halloween themed birthday party once as a kid? I remember the little gift bags having spooky things in them and also possibly a bat cake but my memory is too bad to remember for sure. aha that’s the problem here too, no one locally would ever think to buy lollies to give out so it’d just be like um. you can have an apple I guess? at least you had fun though! i respect the commitment to the costume despite the cold. 

that is such a stressful story to read, i fear for your life. although i understand the knife breaking in that first scenario. that would be terrifying though. what if the blender launched it,,, nOPE. i’m very glad it wasn’t your fingers, that’s some horror movie shit. the second time is just,, it be like that sometimes. it was probably just waiting to happen. my parents have a cheese grater with a loose handle and it. falls off. every time. i dry it. with the dishes. and every time i fear for my life as the grating bit drops off towards my feet as i’m left holding the handle. i should expect it by now but i never do. I get scared every time it happens. knives are definitely out to get us, i fully support this conspiracy theory. oh yeah, tiredness doesn’t help with double vision. i kind of need bifocal glasses by now but I also don’t want bifocal glasses so i just suffer but I suspect having them would reduce the double vision. maybe. maybe not.

yup! i remember someone handing out tampons and pads at primary school, i assume after giving a talk about periods, idk. i do also remember a teacher pulling the girls aside and being like yo, this is what a period is, here’s a horror story about my daughter and a tampon, enjoy the trauma, go back to class. good times. we did actually get really comprehensive sex ed concerning most things at my high school but that is faaaarrr from the norm around here, clearly. although teenage boys are good at filling in gaps, in my experience. they’re like little sex encyclopedias that offer up information without you asking. i didn’t ACTUALLY want to know that but i do now, i guess, thanks michael. 

dude. the ‘oh he’s so hot’ comments are so confusing. ‘hot’ is like a category of attractiveness that I’ve never understood. ‘isn’t he hot?’ what does that MEAN rebecca. i think i asked once if it meant like, attractive or good looking. and the person i asked was like, you know, hot. you just look at them and, you know- no i don’t know. what is this. i don’t think i’ve ever watched a sex scene with people my age though, generally i just zone out for them sdkfhskdfh. i feel like there’s definitely all these indicators when you look back like oh yeah, should’ve realised i was ace then, but it’s just. such a hard sexuality to figure out. not that other sexualities aren’t but you’ve got to figure out an absence of something when you don’t even know what the something feels like- it’s a challenge.

I’m glad it did! It is interesting, for sure. I’ve always been interested in how winter Christmas’s work. As a young kid I didn’t understand hemispheres...obviously...i was like 5...and i’d go out on Christmas morning to see if there was snow. and sometimes it’d be a bit chilly in the morning and I’d be like damn. we almost had some this year. it’s a shame our climate tends to be too hot for snow on christmas :// like no you tiny dumbass it’s summer you little idiot there will be no snow no matter what. everything ended up going super well here :). boxing day is basically just a shopping holiday, i don’t know if it has any significance in any other way, i’m sure it did at one point, but i know there’s always boxing day sales everywhere. I think it’s also a public holiday (?) to give people another day off work and that, but I could be wrong there. I know I also used to regularly go to the races (horse races) nearby that were always held on boxing day, it was like a 150 year old tradition or something until people in attendance started dropping and I think they finally shut it down a couple years back. I didn’t care all that much about the horses but they also had food and carnival-type rides and such for the kids which is why I loved it. also we tended to meet extended family there for a picnic lunch.

acid reflux is like the least of my problems sdfkjshdkf. it’s annoying but it’s pretty managed with medication, I have to watch certain foods and drinks but I’m used to it by now. I think it’s also what causes me to not be able to eat large amounts normally so I survive a lot on snacks and a reasonable sized dinner. works for me. but peanut butter is good! i’m glad i can have that! I used to also have vegemite but that’s a bit more of a push, it’s easier to stick with peanut butter.

also it’s fine!! my responses are always very long too sdfjhskdf.

[tartagliaxx]

honestly, this is totally my fault but my exams are due in one week and i haven't studied for anything yet :DD i just do not wanna graduate this year bc college = more procrastinating = more stress = more lectures = more disappointment

i've also sorta resorted to just completely flipping a person's normal sleep schedule for myself. i go to sleep around 5pm which is about when my classes end. i wake up around midnight, eat dinner and study again. i just don't sleep until the afternoon after classes are over and the cycle continues. it's surprisingly more efficient than i though it would be lol

wanna know what's better than me potentially failing all my subjects? i'm literally gonna be the only person in my class who's gonna attend physical class lol, my friends just said no lmao and ditched so i'm basically gonna be alone at school :)) and only the teacher :)))

i hate everything that's happening in my life rn, but i honestly hate myself more lmao. as always, remember to take care of yourself and make sure to drink lots of water!!

— r. anon

dang nonnie... there’s a lot to unpack here so let’s start slow. i understand not having the motivation to study. for me, not studying gives me an excuse to justify my failure bc not studying and failing is better than studying and still failing. granted in our school, most subjects do performance based exams rather than written ones. when it comes to math though, please. leave me be. in my experience, college seems daunting at first but over time, you get used to it. it’s important to remember that you go at your own pace and that failure is inevitable. celebrate your success and accept your failure but never take it to heart. i think that at the end of the day, what’s important is not a bunch of scores or some people’s opinion about you and your studies but how content you are w yourself and your progress. as long as you’re making a strive to be better and to learn, even if its just a centimeter at a time, thats ok and thats great. i learned that the hard way when i burnt myself out. curses for my high standard perfectionist side.

the fact that you’re getting some sleep now is great progress. dont conform to normality (unless its health related then please do). i heard that if you cant move past your problems then you should just walk around it and this seems like a perfect example for that. not a medical pro so idk if this is healthy or not so...

im dumb so i dont know if thats sarcasm or not but! that sounds terrifying. honestly i miss being back at school bc i think its easier but! only if i have classmates to cover my back. oh god just thinking about that gives my social anxiety a party. im so sorry nonnie. my introvert ass feels for your pain.

honestly this week is just... wack. i hate it. i won’t go into detail bc i could literally write a 10 paged essay talking about how shit this week was. in any case, i understand hating the present. im so sorry you had to go through this mess. however, please dont hate yourself for the unforeseeable circumstances that wormed its way in your life. it’s absolutely normal to feel unmotivated or feel like you’re not good enough given this society’s unhealthy weight on the people but you must pull yourself back up. always remember that everyone has worth. all that aside, even if you hate yourself rn, i and a lot of others still love you and we hope you’ll feel better soon!

take care of yourself too nonnie! take breaks, you’ll need it for a healthy mind and body.

[not-poignant]

Hey Pia, recently I started therapy but my therapist brushed aside me being emotionally abused & gaslit by my sibling by saying sibling fights are normal & we should focus on how I continue 'letting' it happen. I left the session rlly upset & it sent me into a spiral of self-loathing & doubt all over again/had I made everything up after all? I'm in a better place now but it would be lovely if you could tell me how to deal with such situations better, but no pressure!

Oh boy, bad therapists. Have I had some experience with them.

tl;dr: bad therapists suck, don’t give up, etc. etc.

THIS POST IS SO LONG I AM SO SORRY

Firstly, it is awesome you made the effort to go see a therapist. And please please don’t think all therapists (or even most therapists) will be like the one you saw.

Therapists are regular people, and unfortunately, sometimes regular people suck and a degree doesn’t change that.

Caveat: Not a therapist. Just a person who has seen a lot of therapists. YMMV.

I have seen a lot of therapists in my lifetime. And a lot of bad therapists. I won’t give you the exact number, but it’s well over 10. It’s actually pretty normal to sometimes meet therapists that are just a poor match. Even if the therapist had good reasons to think you were participating in a difficult situation, there’s a lot of ways to bring that up that aren’t straight up invalidating, and they should have tried to hear you, rather than put their opinions forward over yours.

Therapy should be a collaboration. Not just you listening to them. Not just them listening to you. They might disagree with you, they have to be able to do so tactfully and respectfully, and role model to you how to do this in a way that is respectful. And you have the right to disagree with them.

And I’m gonna be honest with you. Sometimes therapists will say things you’re not ready to hear, that hurt and make you doubt yourself. When I first heard: ‘Pia, do you think maybe you want to be sick?’ I about lost my shit internally, and went home and felt suicidal for two weeks. I didn’t think they were right, but I was terrified they were right, and I didn’t think I could tell them about it because how dare they ask me that question in the first place! What the hell?

But I went back and was like: okay, so after this session, and what you said, this is what happened. And I felt totally unsupported and certainly didn’t feel like I could tell you about this, because what, are you gonna tell me I want to be suicidal too? Here are all the ways I think I don’t want to be sick. I’m still deeply scared that deep down I might want to be, but I think you have to realise that what you’ve said is really hurtful to all the parts of me that fight every day - through lifestyle, coming here, eating well, reading self help books etc. - to not be sick. And I need you to acknowledge that.

And they did. And they apologised. Do I think maybe they wanted me to have a reaction? Yes. Do I think maybe they had no idea it would make me suicidal? I think also yes. They never would’ve done it otherwise. The aim isn’t to make your clients want to kill themselves. At all. Ever.

But anyway, the point is (...ignore how long I took to get here), part of therapy is actually telling the therapist when they’ve fucked up and seeing how receptive they are to that. That’s your responsibility as the client, and that’s something you take on when you hire them. Whether or not you feel you can do that is another thing. It’s totally okay to write down how you feel in a letter, and hand it to them, or email it to them. You can say ‘read this and I’m going to go wait in the waiting room and you can come get me after.’ I have written down a ton of things I wasn’t ready to say.

But it’s an important step in actually - weirdly - learning how to stand up for yourself in a working relationship that goes both ways.

Now, about therapy in general. They work for you. You hire them for your health. So if it’s really not working out, then you also have the right to fire them and find someone else.

Sometimes it can be worth explaining why you’re considering firing them in an email, so they know where they went wrong, but to also give them a chance to reconsider how they’re approaching you, i.e.: ‘I feel like you invalidated my experiences and my feelings, and therefore reduced all of my difficulties and issues around this to something you could sweep aside before telling me things about my own experiences, without ever really hearing me. That’s not fair, it’s inaccurate and it’s not helpful to me. I accept that I might have things to learn about my own behaviour here, but not through you invalidating my upset and hurt, and not through you minimising my real feelings. Because of what you did, these were the consequences (and tell them that you became more self-loathing and so on, that’s not how they’re supposed to leave you feeling after a session!) As a result, I’m not sure / don’t think this is a good fit / will look for another therapist / would be open to suggestions from you as to how to proceed.’ Etc.

That’s a mature way of handling it. (And honestly, even if the therapist doesn’t like getting the email, it is good for them to know why people are leaving early. So they know you’re not just a ‘non-compliant patient’ or whatever the fuck (which you’re not), but someone who has been genuinely distressed by a session that they directly contributed to - like you paid money for that shit! That’s crappy.)

But another mature way, if they really just seem gross, is to fire them and find someone else. You can take a break first, for sure. I always have taken a short break and sort of thought about what I really want too. Like, what do I want? These days it’s ‘to be more functional and to enjoy life more.’

It’s worth calling around and actually screening therapists if you can (depending on how the system works where you are). Screening therapists can be asking things like: what therapy modalities do you prefer? How do you deal with situations where someone is being verbally abused by their sibling? Do you take this seriously? etc. You can definitely pre-screen. I’ve always done this in emails which look like this:

“Dear (whoever they are)

I’m (such and such) from (place) and have been diagnosed with (disorders) due to (one sentence history). I am seeking therapy to help me with (specific things like - learning how to be less anxious, or learning how to be more functional in my life).

Are you taking new clients?

If you are, could you please let me know the following to see if we might be a good fit? 

(Here I ask about modality - CBT is contraindicated in my case so it rules out a lot of therapists automatically, and then I ask about their experience in extensive child abuse trauma and history, as well as medical and chronic illness, and pain and fatigue issues. Here is also where I ask if they offer a sliding scale to people with a low income and no insurance.)

Thanks so much for your time.

(Pia.)”

If they can’t take the time to answer a simple email, either with a call or by replying, then I don’t want to see them anyway, imho. I’m looking to hire them, not the other way around, they can at least communicate some actual credentials to me that mean more than a damn BA degree. But in Australia, therapists will often reply to emails like this. I’m not sure how that is in other places in the world.

Now as to the actual meaty part of like, you going home and feeling fucking awful afterwards. Here’s some stuff you may want to keep in mind in the future:

1. They work for you. And their job is not to make you feel like you are the worst ever. That is no therapist’s job on the planet. Challenging you is not making you decompensate and become non-functional. They fucked up. Sometimes therapy will be challenging and sometimes it will hurt and if you are prone to feeling self-doubt it is going to make you self-doubt. But there is a line between ‘this is stuff that would come up anyway’ and ‘this is something you directly made happen by invalidating my feelings.’ When that happens, it is not a sign that you are the worst ever (you are not even the worst), it is a sign that they made a mistake in their job, like any person who has a job can do.

Unfortunately when therapists make mistakes, they’re making mistakes with people’s psyches, instead of fucking up the icing on a cake, or the level on a brick wall.

But yeah, they are not some authority on high to tell you What is What about Your Life.

The only expert on your life is you. And you invite them into that space to treat you with respect in the process. Invalidating your feelings is not respect. (And I say that even as someone who has disproportionate reactions to things.)

2. Idk what your support situation is like, but it may be worth reaching out to people (or animals) who can make you smile or feel a bit better or get you outside of your head for a bit.

3. Sensory stimulation to also get you outside of your head for a bit. A warm/hot shower or bath. Running your hand over interesting textures like velvet or a nubby couch. Sipping a hot drink that you took the time to make for yourself.

4. Reflecting on what’s actually happening internally like. ‘I feel like they think i’m X and X’ or ‘they must think that I’m just X’ or whatever it is. And then write that down somewhere - both for yourself, and if you decide to share it with them later, so you have clarity on what’s occurring. Sometimes just naming what you’re going through can give you enough knowledge to be like ‘right, I’m afraid that a relative stranger thinks I’m terrible because they know almost nothing about my history and they made an assumption about me.’ - If you take a step back from that, it can help to remember they are a relative stranger who knows almost nothing about you.

*

It’s hard here because I’m not in that session and I don’t know why the therapist said what they said (though trust me, I do believe you that they fucked up - some of them suuuuck), and I know that you go to therapy to be challenged, because if your therapist is just ‘hey fam everything you’re doing and thinking is fine go home you’re just great’ - you’re gonna go home and nothing is going to change. But I think you and I both know that there’s ways of challenging people which don’t suuuuuuck, and that if you have a good trusting bond with your therapist, you can also tell them when they fuck up, and they will actually make steps to repair that with you, so you can be stronger going into the future.

That’s actually one of the best parts of a therapeutic bond, imho, especially as someone coming from an emotionally abusive background - learning how to repair mistakes and realising that you can both do that collaboratively together, and see things get stronger. (Since, in situations of abuse, ruptures can mean no opportunities for genuine forgiveness or growth ever).

But you can’t do it with all therapists. Because some therapists are just shitty at their jobs. Like a bad baker. Or like the dude that makes pizzas but you know he just doesn’t care about pizzas really. Or the doctor who fat-shames instead of doing their fucking job.

I don’t know if I said anything that helped. All I have is some sense of solidarity because I have done the whole bad therapists thing too. My life was helped a lot by realising I was hiring them, and that they work for me. Before that, I always felt like they were some kind of godly authority figure that could see into my inner mind in a way I couldn’t and blah blah blah could Judge Me Like A God (thanks childhood, for featuring an abusive figure who was a cop that fucked up my relationship with authority figures forever). It was really hard for me to understand that no, they’re just like every other damn person you’re gonna hire to work for you: they can be fired if they’re not good at their job or if their vision is totally different to yours.

You’d fire an interior decorator who wanted to fit out your house in something you hated. You definitely have to fire a therapist who wants to fit out your brain in something that makes you hate yourself.

[ffxvhoe]

This is a bit of an oddball and really open but I was curious if you had any general headcannons for the gods? It's so cool that each of them have their own personalities attached (Ifrit's lazy almost cat-like lounging at first, Shiva's gentle wiseness, etc etc) and I'm interested in your take on them

So basically they’re one big dysfunctional family.

Also it seems I’ve fallen in love with each of them and now they’re all my children.

Titan

A HUFFLEPUFF

Is so, so gentle like it would melt your heart if you saw him on a typical day in the land of the Astrals

Tends to both a regular garden and a rock garden

His favorite plants are these silver petaled flowers that only grow in the world of the Astrals and hibiscus

Gets along with animals really well??  His particular favorite are cats

Takes pride in the fact that Leviathan actually considers him a friend of hers

He knew that the others were wrong to brand her as such a terrible person; they just needed to put in the effort to get to know her…though he does admit that her attitude could uh….use just a little bit of work

They’ll get there and he’ll help in whatever way he can

Basically just think Hunk from Voltron tbh

Suffers from being labeled as some scary monster by the mortals, and it didn’t help when everything happened at the Disc with Ardyn and Noct and the gang

Has been taken under Bahamut’s wing though Titan doesn’t rely on him as much these days as he had previously

Dislikes the world of the mortals, especially after having been there for so long

He’s particularly sensitive to negativity and there’s a lot of that in the mortal realm

Does enjoy the mortal realm for it’s flora and fauna though

Usually on the quieter side of the scale, but not an introvert

He enjoys going out with the others to go drinking and such

Plus he knows it makes it easier for Leviathan to relax when he’s with her since as she gets along with him the best

Ramuh

True Neutral

He’s something between the wise old man and everyone’s favorite grandpa idk it’s weird

Acted as Shiva’s mentor for a while

Is the oldest among the Astrals

Is actually from an older pantheon of gods (like how the Titans were the pantheon of gods that preceded the Olympians)

There’s a few reasons that he doesn’t act as leader though.  The first is that the idea of being a leader has never quite appealed to him.  He’d much rather be the one to speak words of wisdom and let the other young ones do the fighting and whatnot.  The second is that he has seen the potential Bahamut has and would much rather help the Draconian reach his full potential as leader

The real reason he wears that cape is because he thinks it makes him look cool

Is the only one that Leviathan will respect as being above herself and go to for guidance

Occasionally struck with the desire to no longer be an immortal 

Sometimes, when he’s look down at the mortals below he’s hit with how utterly tired he is of living for eternity

When he gets like this he wants nothing more than to become a spry old man and go backpacking through the lands of Eos

Walks with a limp

Actually, in a way you could almost say that he parallels Regis I think

Pitied Ardyn for what happened/became of him

Ifrit

Relating him to a Greek deity he’d be Ares

Not necessarily a Chad™ but his personality can border on being one of Chad’s friends

Ultimately though has a very strong moral compass, but he doesn’t really go about it in the best way

Honestly though do ya’ll remember Sky High? Because Ifrit is lowkey the guy that could use fire just more of an asshole

Will protect Shiva at all costs

She’s basically his little sister at this point, like he’s taken it upon himself to be something akin to her protector

Not that she needs one though lol

Will go out of his way to do exactly what Bahamut told him not to do

Bahamut: Ifrit no

Ifrit: Ifrit YES

Respects Leviathan immensely 

Griffyndor 

Enjoys getting pedicures and will legit smite anyone who tries to give him shit for it

Nobody else knows this as he’s very good at keeping his aloof mask on, but he is sometimes hurt by the fact that everyone pegs him as some evil deity just because he happens to have something of a temper and can control fire

Um…kinda think Zuko but then more of an asshole I guess

Doesn’t really like mortals

Shiva

Relating her to a Greek deity she’d probably be Persephone or Hestia

A gentle sort of quiet surrounds her

Think comfortable silence among friends, the quiet of the dawn when the world is just awaking, and hole-in-the-wall coffee shops that only have a few patrons within

Does not like Leviathan…there’s some bad blood there

Enjoys walking among the mortals on their small world

She thinks mortals are amazing creatures, constantly making new discoveries to curb their ever persistent curiosity

Can be found walking through some of the gardens in that immortal world of the Astrals with Bahamut

She makes him flower crowns

A walking library

She knows and remembers every little thing that has happened both in immortal history and mortal history

She’s one of those people that is super sweet and caring, but if you mess with them they’ll fuck you up

Is the only one that can successfully knock Bahamut on his ass

Everyone is lowkey terrified of her

Ifrit is like her big brother tbh that’s the type of relationship those two have

Enjoys bubble baths

She’s particularly fond of these bath bombs that the mortals have created

Leviathan

Relating her to a Greek deity they’d be Hera

With that being said, Leviathan is kind of a bitch 

I feel bad relating them to Hera bc Hera’s my boo but Hera can also be kind of a bitch so…

If someone is lucky enough to befriend her, however, they have someone who will have their back for the rest of eternity

Think Slytherin 

Leviathan is closest with Titan which most find odd due to the fact Titan is literally just…super sweet

*cough* Slytherpuff friendship *cough*

She appreciated the fact that Titan gave them the benefit of the doubt when the other Astrals told Titan that Leviathin was a terrible person

Doesn’t much care for mortals ((as we’ve all witnessed)) but won’t go out of their way to kill them

Was actually against the whole prophecy thing hence why they made it so difficult to form the covenant 

Argued it would be easier to either get rid of the problem themselves or simply wipe out the entire planet and start again

Also may have grown to have something of a soft spot for Luna and she didn’t want the prophecy to play out bc of the impact it would ultimately have on Luna’s happiness

Only one that can reign in Ifrit

Bahamut

The ever stoic warrior

He’s very quiet, very reserved, very calculating

Is closest to Shiva out of all the other Astrals as he prefers her company since she’s also on the quieter side and thus doesn’t try to force conversation with him 

As he’s the most powerful of the Astrals he pretty much works as their leader

Not really a King like Zeus was of the Pantheon, but more so in the way he keeps them in order and whatnot

Doesn’t get along with Ifrit but they work really well on the battlefield together??? Idk man it’s strange

Have you ever heard of the term introversion?  Because the word was pretty much created for this Astral

Doesn’t like going out to drink with the rest of the Six, much prefers staying in his home and reading or making battle strategies

A decent cook, not that Astrals need to eat or cook in the first place

If you can’t find Bahamut he’s likely flying

It’s a way for him to destress and he also just likes the freedom of it