#idk how but i would love to be on the tests for the pill or patch!

[alexiroflife]

Hello! May I request an angsty toji fic where reader finds out she's pregnant (post megumi) and she knows toji doesn't want anymore children so she just kinda leaves with little to no explanation? Maybe just a small note saying things aren't working out. It's up to you if it will be a hurt/comfort. Idk you don't have to do this request I don't want to overload you! I seriously love your writing. The way you right the character just warms my heart. I especially love ur hiding an Injury fic it was SO SO SO GOOD. 🩶🤍🖤

“promise”

toji fushiguro x reader

Synopsis: see above

to sum it up: you think it’s better to run away than to be the one to get hurt

WC: 5,668

Warning(s): angst, suggestive themes, yelling, pregnancy, mentions of abortion

You stare down at the plastic tube clutched in your trembling hands in awe, eyes blown with shocked grief as you peer closer to get a better look, as though those two bright pink lines could have been a trick of your vision.

Unfortunately, however, your vision remains just as crystal clear as it always has been. As you stand in your cramped apartment bathroom, illuminated by a flickering fluorescent gaze shining down from above, horror befalls you.

You’re pregnant.

You should have known sooner when you began feeling queasy every morning, taking trips to either your or Toji’s toilet to hurl out the contents of whatever swam inside your stomach. You always tried to be silent if Toji was around, for he slept like a dog that could not be woken even if a meteor struck earth, and you had been remarkably exhausted. You aren’t even sure if there is a word to describe how sluggish your entire mind and body had been feeling, but you wanted to rule out the very obvious answer to your problems before exploring it.

You begin to panic, your heart pounding in your ears and throat and every inch of your body you could feel the pulse, eyes blurry over the positive test. You’re conflicted. You don’t know how to feel. On the one hand, you would have been jumping for joy to learn that you are starting a new life with your boyfriend, to step into a new chapter of your lives and to provide his children with another sibling.

But hell, the celebration is far too naive and implausible to be had. The sage eyed man has told you time and time again that he does not wish to have anymore kids, that the ones he has are enough and he is not equipped financially or mentally to care for another brat. In honor of those wishes, you’re on the pill, and consequently, Toji has taken the opportunity to plow his load inside of you time after time after time.

And you really, truly should have known that with Toji’s uniquely abled body, what was meant to serve as a barrier and a means of contraception did not work.

You feel like throwing up. What would Toji say? What would he do? What are you supposed to do? Should you tell him, fill him in on what’s going on to risk rejection and abandonment, a nasty habit that Toji had to work to rid himself of when he met you? Would he even care? Would he listen?

You know Toji to be a very tough man, despite the softened interior he attempts to hide in others’ company that is only displayed for you and for his kids. If he has always been adamant about one thing, it’s been to never have kids again, to focus on where he fucked up before and to pour his attention into the little family he’s grown, the one that he has now.

His voice echoes through your head like the gong of a church bell striking upon the ear’s of a sinner.

“Hell, I already got my hands full tryna get Megumi through his teenage years. What the hell is another child gonna do for us?”

“That shit’s fuckin’ expensive. Not to mention, I’d have to baby proof the house again. That’s another expense.”

“If I was capable of givin’ you y’er own, I would, doll. But I ain’t cut out for it. You know that.”

You don’t even know why he would stress the matter so often. You suppose he’s caught the way your eyes linger on a mother tossing their giggling baby up and down into the air, innocent pools of joy beaming down at her each time it reaches the air and lands in her secure hold. Or maybe he’s seen the way you care so deeply for Toji’s kids as though they are your own, despite telling you when you first got involved with each other that he did not expect you to step into their lives in anyway - and yet, you have done that and more. You know how the kids must struggle each day with the trauma of losing their mother so early on, and you never wanted them to think that you were trying to step in as her replacement, but you love them so clearly, as much as you love the man who created them.

Which leads you to your next concern. How would the kids react?

It’s one thing for you, as their father’s girlfriend, to wander into their lives and help navigate them their teenage hood alongside the dark haired man, but to introduce an entire other child only leaves a sour taste in your mouth.

They may be crushed. They me turn to hate you, to despise how you have contaminated the life they have worked so hard to rebuild after numerous tragedies. And would Toji agree with them? Would he turn his nose up to you, that scowl of his melting over his harsh features as he shuns you just as he shunned every other woman who came after his wife and before you. Would he leave you? Would he kick you out of the world that has become your own because you failed to live up to your promise, though it technically isn’t your fault that you are pregnant now but it feels as though it is?

You can not stand the thought, of the man you love turning his once loving gaze stone upon the sight of you, of him pushing you further away, permanently, in the same manner that he tried to when he realized that he was falling in love with you, of watching Megumi and Tsumiki turn their backs to you as though the past four years of your lives had never happened, banning you from their acceptance forever more.

Tears well in your gaze, interfering with your vision. This can not be happening, you think to yourself, everything has been going so well, and now this? This is going to ruin your relationship with Toji for good. Even if you were not in a committed relationship with him, you assume that the idea of any woman getting impregnated by Toji would have been thrown away. You would be thrown away, just like all the others who gave Toji their bodies but not their hearts.

Not the way you have.

Your heart clenches thinking of just how much you love Toji and the kids, of how you would be willing to lay down your own life for the sake of them as Toji swears that he would for you all in return. Even so, despite the commitment to you that a man who swore never to be committed to accustomed, this would be going too far.

…You’re not even sure if he would love you anymore.

Now that you’re pregnant with his child, a child he never meant to have with you, you assume you will mean nothing to him any longer. In his eyes, you will simply become the slut that he took a chance on by a whim, carrying something he would never call his own. You believe the old Toji will resurface, the one who claimed not to care, the one who shoved women out of his bedroom before the sun rose in the sky, the one who often failed to remember to pick his kids up from school, the one who would no longer meet you at eye level but look down upon you, frown upon you for being so clumsy.

You know Toji is the one who did this, but this still feels like it is your doing. Like somehow, you trapped him and he now has no choice but to break free from the steel cage you have barred around him with your conception.

Your fingers clutch over the plastic, your eyes scrunching closed to release a fresh set of tears that cascade over your cheeks and onto the test. You can feel yourself mourning your relationship already, you can feel it slipping through your fingers, see it fading in the distance until it becomes nothing but a bittersweet memory that you can not determine as reality or a figment of your imagination any longer.

You tilt your head, bringing the test to your forehead as you think, grieve, cry. You mull over your options; you could hide this from Toji, get an abortion and never think of it again or you could tell Toji and lose him forever.

You open your bleary eyes, lashes decked with dewy tears, as another idea dawns upon you. You could leave, leave before Toji and the kids have a chance to leave you.

It’s a cruel thought, you think, especially abandoning those children without any proper explanation for them, but what else are you meant to do? You’d be doing them all a favor if anything by taking your leave without them having to be plagued by the knowledge of your unplanned pregnancy, of what they may view as a scheme to destroy their family in your new baby’s wake.

The thought kills you to even entertain. You had promised those kids that you weren’t going anywhere, that you’d stay with them for as long as they allowed you… but this is different. This is not what any of you had in your cards, how you believed your futures to go. Toji wants simplicity at home while he works through chaos through his occupation. He wants security, warmth, safety for you, Megumi, Tsumiki, and no one else. He would never welcome another child. You believe he’d be caught dead before approving of your pregnancy.

And therefore, you know what you have to do.

After taking a few more tests to ensure that the readings are accurate, which they are, you pledge to walk away. You pledge to leave the only man you’ve ever truly loved, the strongest family you’ve known, and the slim possibility that despite Toji’s wishes, he may accept you.

But you don’t want to take that chance and risk the humiliation and unplanned heartbreak. You’d much rather take matters into your own hands, and plan the shattering of your soul yourself.

You don’t sleep all night, for you’re too busy drafting about twenty different letters to Toji. Crumpled loosleaf paper litters the floor beside your bed as you try to think of how to best write down everything you want to say. You go through pages and pages until you are finally satisfied with the result, and the next morning, you slip the envelope into his mail slot and prepare to pack your life away.

It is late Sunday morning when Toji rises from his slumber. The first thing he does is lean over the sheets and drape his arm toward his nightstand to read your daily good morning text - only he finds there isn’t one. With pinched brows, he takes his phone to unlock it and visit your contact. Nothing.

The time reads 12:35 pm. Normally, you’re up and at it or even banging down his door by then to wake him. Maybe you’re just sleeping in?

He goes to give your cell a call, but nothing. Not only that, but your phone is also on do not disturb mode. His gut immediately swells with the suspicion that something is wrong. The dark haired assassin supposes he’s going to pay you a visit this afternoon as soon as he checks on the kids to ensure that they are alright.

His bedroom door opens with a creak, and he calls out to the teens gruffly through a yawn. When they don’t respond, he’s truly growing concerned.

He rounds the corner to prepare to head for their rooms when he finds Tsumiki and Megumi at the dining table. His brows furrow, his pace slowing as he takes in their faces. Tsumiki’s lips are pressed together tightly and the muscles in her face are scrunched as though she is about to cry, while Megumi stares ahead with empty eyes and a hardened exterior.

Toji frowns with quirked brows, approaching his kids. “What’s wrong with you two?”

His brunette daughter looks up at him with glassy eyes and wrinkled chin, lashes fluttering while Megumi does not bother to look at his father. Instead, he brings Toji’s attention to a torn envelope and a thick packet of papers pressed beneath the sixteen year old’s palm. Wordlessly, Megumi slides it toward him, brows slanting.

Toji, perplexed, looks between the papers and his children’s troubled faces. What is this letter? Overdue taxes? An eviction notice? That can’t be possible, because you had ensured that Toji and the kids’ place was secure long ago.

He crunches the papers in his hands and picks them up to read. The first thing that catches his eye is your scribbling handwriting, and the following words that send his heart plummeting to his ass:

This isn’t working out.

Toji whips his head up, baffled, and when he meets Megumi’s gaze again, his eyes are ablaze with resentment.

“What the hell did you do?” he growls.

The green eyed man is not even thinking before he’s dialing Shiu’s number, asking him to watch the kids for the next hour or so, and running out of the apartment after throwing rather unconvincing words of assurance over his shoulder to his kids, who are still with disbelief - Tsumiki with devastation and Megumi with rage, for surely his father pushed you away.

Toji does not bother finding a ride, electing to run to your place which is only a few blocks away. You two were just discussing moving in with one another, combining households, and this is what you spring onto him? Not even for him to stumble across first, but his kids who look up to you and love you like their own mother?

Oh, he’s fuming, a rush of emotions taking over his mind as it fuels his speed. The letter you wrote is still crunched in his fist, whipping through the air as he makes his way to you.

Dear Toji,

This is not working out.

But before you rampage and get angry with me, please let me explain. Let me explain how much I love you, how much those kids mean to me, and how every day I wake up I want to be greeted by all of your smiling faces. For the rest of time, forever. You are undoubtedly the only man for me, and I truly believe that. I know you may think I’m bullshitting because of how the beginning of this letter contradicts what im saying now, but it’s true. I have never loved another person the way I love you, and while it scared me at first when you were so stubborn and full of anger that you misdirected onto me, I stayed and I waited and I helped you and I’ve loved you through every single moment, ever week, every month, and every year. You brought purpose back into my life, and I can picture you scoffing because you’d say the same, but I mean it. You, Tsumiki, and Megumi are the best things that have ever happened to me. I love you all so much.

But in this case, that love is not enough.

I hate to be doing this to you, to the kids, but I have no other choice. Things aren’t going the way they used to, and it’s not your fault but mine. I’m the reason. And it is tearing me apart to know that and simultaneously know what I have to do in order to keep you and the kids happy. Stable. I wish I could explain to you more why I am doing this, but I can’t. Not just because I am dying to picture you reading this, but because I truly can not say. I do not want to ruin you guys’ image of me. While I think that’s a selfish thing to say because who knows how me leaving is going to hurt you all, you would not understand even if you knew the reason behind this.

By the time you are done reading this, I will be gone. I’m going away because as long as I am not with you all, I can’t stay here anymore. I am staying with my mother while I get my travel plans arranged, because I know how you worry when you do not know where I am or if im safe. I should be gone by Friday.

Please do not come see me. I have made my decision, and you will only be hurting us more by trying to stop me. I won’t be stopped.

Kiss and hug and apologize to Megumi and Tsumiki for me. I hope you find someone who fills the role of their mother, someone who knows how Megumi likes to do his homework in the silence of his room with no music or anything, completely isolated so he can focus. Someone who knows how to fix Tsumiki’s eggs properly - to add extra butter to the sides when you fry them so the edges get crispier. Someone who won’t try to feed Gumi’a demidogs because he hates when people assume they can coddle up to them upon first introduction. Someone who cares for the wholly the way I do and always will.

And you. I know how stubborn you are. I know how angry you probably are at me right now, and I will miss that about you, but please do not let that interfere with the possibility of falling in love again. Beneath the layers of grit, standoffishness, and indifference, you are a man with a big heart. For me. For your kids. For those you love and seek to protect.

You say you aren’t a good man, and while that may be true to you, you are an amazing partner and you’ve already become an amazing parent. I’ve seen you grow, and I am so in love with you and so proud of you. I know you’ll be okay without me. It maybe take some time, but you’ll adjust to what’s best. I promise.

With all the love that could possibly be harbored in this world, you are everything to me and that is why I have to go. I wish you every happiness this planet can offer you, and I know that without me, you can begin to find joy again.

Love,

Your doll

You had believed to time this perfectly, for you know that Toji usually does not wake until one, so soon as you are finishing up packing, you are trudging down the stairs to the leasing office to inform them that you will be moving.

You push open the door to the first floor, the breeze hitting you gently, and you round the corner only to be blocked by the last person you wanted to run into during this time.

Your eyes widen as you look up, the burly figure you have grown oh so familiar with over the years heaving as though enraged, ivy eyes crowding over slim pupils as Toji glares down at you, an image of indescribable fury.

Your heart drops and your words die in your throat. “T-Toji?” you whisper, horrified of an outburst. You are rattled by fear, having been so unprepared to walk into this. You did not put it past him to chase you down. But you figured that you’d be at your parents by the time he woke. Then, you could have at least told them to tell him off at the door.

But no. Instead, here he is, six feet and then some of bulking mass as he takes quick, deep breaths that expand the entirety of his chest.

You shift. “What are you doing here-“

“What the fuck is this?”

Toji swiftly, yet aggressively, lifts the papers in his hands, now damaged by his travels and his grip, shaking it firmly with the question. You gulp, lowering your eyes.

“Toji, I told you not to come…”

“Don’t you fucking dare,” he swears firmly, and you jump, looking to see if anyone is around to hear you, as the two of you are standing outside your complex.

“We shouldn’t be- let’s just go inside,” you go to grab his arm, but he tears it away. He stares at you as though you have burned him, singed the heart in his chest from the inside out, and he is so unforgiving. So unforgiving before he hears directly from your mouth what this is about.

“I’m not doin’ shit until you tell me what the fuck this is, (Y/n),” he demands, his hand moving the papers about passionately with his speech, and you feel your heart hammering again. This is not how things were supposed to go. You are not supposed to be seeing him right now. “Cause I refuse- I fuckin’ refuse to believe that you’re breaking up with me.”

Your eyes gloss over as you look down at your feet, unsure of what to do or how to handle this confrontation. You can’t do this. You can’t, it’s too much. It’s too hard.

“…I am,” you mumble.

Toji steps forward, leaning down to get a peek of your face, his expression so angry that it worries you. “What?”

“I said… I am.”

“Uh uh, you better say that shit with your chest if you can write a whole damn letter about it,” he growls, fucking further as you continue to turn away. “Look at me,” he barks, and you cringe.

“Toji, don’t yell at me!” you shout back.

“What else do’ya want me to do, huh?” he throws his hands up. “How else do you expect me to react to this bullshit?! You’re leavin’ me? After everythin’ we been through, after everythin’ you and the kids’ve been through, you’re leavin? Are you fuckin’ serious?”

He takes a swift glance at the papers, the very sight sending him into a spiral, before he’s heatedly looking back down at you.

“I don’t buy this shit for one second. No. You’re not leavin’. Not in this world, or the next.”

“I am, Toji, the quicker you accept that, the easier it’ll be for everyone!”

“Easy?” he winces as though the prospect pains him. “You call this shit easy? You call up and tryin’ to abandon me easy? You call the kids waking up to your letter and reading it at the table before I saw it easy?”

Your face falls. “…what?”

“Yeah. You fuckin’ heard me,” he sneers. “Megumi and Tsumiki read this shit first. First thing in the morning, they see a letter about how the woman they love is leavin’ ‘em, just like their mom did, and for what?”

You close your eyes, his words stinging you as they cut through. “Don’t say that.”

“Why not? It’s true, ain’t it? Y’er leavin’ us, (Y/n), and you didn’t even have the decency to say why!”

Guilt crowds you, like a blanket of darkness consuming you from overhead, and as Toji stands before you completely torn apart by your letter, you see the fear in his eyes, the sadness, the unspoken plea for you not to go.

You try your best to keep your composure as you turn away again. “I told you, I can’t tell you.”

“Fuck that,” he lifts the letter and tosses it to the ground with a thud. You gasp, watching it slam to the concrete pavement.

“Toji!” you exclaim.

“You think you can just leave without me comin’ to hunt you down and see your face so I can figure out what the hell is goin’ on? You must not know me at all.”

“Why do you always have to be so aggressive about everything?!”

“Of all fuckin’ things, (Y/n), I think I got a right to be aggressive about this. You were gonna leave without sayin’ goodbye!” he tosses his arm out to the side with the exclamation, brows twisting and teeth bearing. “Is that what our relationship means t’ya? You think you can just toss us aside?”

“That’s not what I’m doing,” you beg, a lump forming in your throat as the two of you stand face to face, arguing without a car about who will see you.

“Then tell me,” he shouts. “Cause you’re not givin’ me shit to go off of!”

“I told you already, I can’t,” your lips quiver.

“Then our relationship is nothing to you.”

“No, Toji.”

“Clearly it ain’t, cause I’d think it’d be worth an explanation if you’re runnin’ away!” you frown and shake your head, turning to walk back into the complex when Toji cuts you off, moving in your way. “You don’t think I know you? You don’t think I see it all over your face that somethin’s got you scared, and y’re takin’ off because of it? You think I don’t know what that looks like, (Y/n)? I did that shit. I did it all the damn time before I met you, and hell, I tried to run then but you wouldn’t let me, so what the hell makes you think I’m gonna let you now?”

“This is different,” you say shortly, afraid to reveal the tremble of your voice to the man before you. You keep your gaze down as you try to go around him again, but to no avail. He steps in your path. “Stop!”

“I ain’t stoppin’,” he says gravely, keeping his eyes to yours though you try to avoid contact with them. “Not until you spit it out. I’ll be damned if I got another broken home cause y’re fuckin’ scared.”

“I said stop!” you try to find some bass in your voice, but against your will, it falters when you yell. Toji eyes you carefully, reaching his hand out to grip your shoulder and steady you into place.

You scoff, attempting to pull away, but it’s no use. The dark haired man is everywhere, keeping you from walking away.

“You talk to me like the grown ass woman you are,” he tells you sternly, stepping in. “You use that voice I know you have, and don’t you ever let me catch you writin’ a letter to me about how you wanna break up instead of comin’ to talk to me. Y’understand?”

You exhale shakily, lips pressing together and brows curling. “I can’t.”

“Y’re still not tellin’ me why you think that.”

“Because I can’t, Toji. I can’t tell you. It’ll- it’ll fuck up everything!” you break, and Toji feels the pit in his stomach shift as he looks over your aggrieved expression, depicting the same exact things he feels.

“(Y/n),” he calls your name firmly, the sound of it on his tongue only inspiring the urge to cry more. You continue to shake your head though Toji isn’t exactly speaking, and his green eyes wander you with frustrated concern. “Y’scared of what I’ll do if you tell me?”

You freeze, slowly peeling your eyes to look at his, his face tense with grief. You stare at him for a moment, mouth gaping like a fish as all of your insecurities that talked you toward this ledge run through your mind once more.

“Don’t look surprised,” he says. “I know you like the back of my hand, and I know that you knew I’d be over here to stop ya.”

Your frown deepens, and this time as you look at him, you see every second of your future that you were quick to stomp dow. You see the unbridled, unfiltered love he holds for you as well as the blood curdling fear of letting you go.

“You have to understand,” you whimper. “I know how you’ll react, I- I can’t do this to you. You have to let me go.”

“What the hell could be so horrifyin’ in that head of yours to make you think that I won’t stick with ya through hell and high water?” he grits out, searching your swollen hues of (e/c) hesitation. “You’d do the same for me.”

“I know, but-“

“There’s nothin’ else to say. I ain’t leavin’ until you spill, and when you do, y’re comin’ with me.”

You look at him, pained. It’s a trap, you think. If Toji only knew, he’d be running for the hills instead of trying to track you down.

“Out with it, now.”

You can’t. You can’t tell him. He’ll leave you, he’ll reject you, he’ll turn you away, he’ll never let you see the kids again.

“(Y/n)!”

“I’m pregnant!”

The earth seems to freeze and time seems to slow. You scrunch your eyes, anticipating the worst to come as Toji takes in your words, his tensed expression melting slowly.

You don’t open your eyes to see his reaction. You keep your head ducked and your fists closed as the white noise of nature flutters into relevance. You’re trembling, terrified, and Toji can not move but instead proceeds to stare at you, stunned.

His words about not wanting any more kids run through your mind again as you await his response, and the suspense kills you as you do. You can feel his grip on your shoulder slacken before tightening again, and you are terrified.

He’s going to leave you.

You are quick to step away when the sentiment arises once more, Toji’s hand falling from you arm. “I’m sorry,” you whisper, still unable to look at him. “I’m sorry, I know that you don’t want any more kids. I know, an I thought we were being careful, but- I took five tests. They’re all positive.”

“You’re pregnant?” he echoes, and you still. You knew it. You knew this would happen.

“I told you, Toji,” you exhale. “I told you that I couldn’t tell you, and now everything’s a mess.”

He twitches. “Hold on-“

“Don’t tell me all of a sudden you want kids,” you snap. “I know how strongly you feel about it.”

“So instead of talkin’ to me, you were gonna leave? Knocked up? That doesn’t make any sense.”

“What other choice do I have?!” you cry. “You don’t want more kids, and if I kept it, it would only be a nuisance to you. And Megumi and Tsumiki?”

He scrunches his face. “What about ‘em?”

“How do you think they’d feel if the woman you’re dating after their mother died surprised them with a new baby? They’d be crushed!” you say shakily as salty tears well in your eyes again. “I can’t overstep your boundaries. I just can’t. It’s easier for me to go.”

“And do what, (Y/n)? Raise a kid on your own without any help?”

“I can’t bare you leaving me!” you suddenly confess, tear striking past your cheek.

Toji examines you and frowns. “What are y’talkin’ about? You’re tryin’ to leave me!”

“So I can prevent the inevitable from happening,” you huff. “I’m okay with it. I’ve made peace with everything. That’s why you need to just let me go-“

“After everythin’, you think I’d throw you away because you’re pregnant with my kid?” Toji says incredulously. You falter, for you had been so sure of his reaction before. “You think that low of me?”

“No, but I want you to have what you want.”

“What I want is you, you fuckin’ idiot,” he hisses. “All I ever wanted was you, and I can’t fuckin’ believe you’re tryin’ to take that away from me.”

You furrow your brows, confused. “…You’re not mad?”

“Girl, I’m livid,” he scowls. “Not about the damn kid, but because you assumed what I would say before comin’ to me.”

“Toji, you have to understand that I was trying to look out for you.”

“There’s not lookin’ out for me or those kids or makin’ them happy if you’re gone, (Y/n),” he bites. “Who th’fuck put that idea in your head?”

You stammer, tears proceeding to flow down your face as you reel in the reality of the situation. “I… I just thought-“

“I don’t wanna hear it.”

Before you can respond, his hand is gripping your wrist and he’s tugging you toward him into his chest. You shake when you fall into him, listening to the pace of his heart rapidly beating against your ear as he breaths quickly against you. Large palms smooth over your head and down to your waist as he holds you tightly, and you notice how desperate his grip is. He’s holding you like he’s afraid you’ll disappear, as though you’ll fly away if his hold is not tight enough.

He tucks his head into your neck, fingers grasping into your shirt, and suddenly the animosity of the moment prior is gone. You’re still trembling, leading Toji to hold you tighter to him.

“Can’t believe you tried to leave,” he murmurs into your hair. “Christ, (Y/n) you’re tryin’ to gimme a heart attack. The fuck is goin’ on with you.”

“I’m sorry,” you mumble into his chest, looking off sadly. “I thought you’d be upset about it. I didn’t want you to know.”

“I should know about any and every single thing that’s goin’ on with you, y’hear me? This ain’t no exception.”

A weight flutters from your shoulders as you sink into Toji’s head, silent tears streaming for the life you almost sacrificed. “What are we gonna do?”

“I dunno,” he mumbles. “But we’ll figure it out. As a team. Alright?”

You nod meekly. “Okay.”

He groans, pressing himself impossibly further to you. “That letter… fuck, don’t do that shit. Don’t fuckin’ scare me like that. Without you, I ain’t shit- pregnant or not. And those kids would adore another sibling if you were bringing it into this world. Don’t say that shit about them again either. They need ya. We need ya.”

“I’m sorry,” you whine again, Toji’s hand stroking over your back soothingly.

“It’s okay,” he grumbles. “We’ll figure it out.”

[mrsrileywrites]

Hi! I read lots of your work and im SO IN LOVE!!! Like I absolutely fell so hard for papa simon 😭😭 i wanna give him a babyy! But i was wondering, how would pregnancy be like with his child. I mean bro is HUGE so his baby would probably be not only pretty big and probably weight a little bit more too than an average newborn. If its okay with you would it be possible for you to write a little story maybe add a little bit of angst? (Idk like argument about something that made the reader really sad?) but please a happy ending 🥹

Feel free to ignore if thats not your thing or just not feeling comfortable writing about it!! LOVE YOUU!! Btw sorry for any misspelling English is not my first language.

First of, as a not native English speaker, your English is perfect.

And second, thank you for your kind words, it really encourages me to keep writing and also boosts my ego 😁

You asked in such a nice and respectful way so I really want to make you happy.

Now here's the thing, I'm an adult with lots of responsibilities and sometimes adulting makes me tired, like last night when I was trying to finish this but I fell asleep and I woke up this morning to find half of my writing disappeared, it just vanished 🥲

But I'll give you this to munch on and I promise I'll finish this before the end of the week.

I hope this is what you were expecting... Enjoy 🫶

A little over 700 words.

_______________________

You stood in front of the sink of your bathroom, holding a pregnancy test on your shaky hands, two little red lines staring right back at you.

How did this happen? How would you tell him? He doesn't want kids, he made it clear from the beginning and you accepted it without a fuss, that's why you've been taking your pills diligently every day, you didn't forget one, did you?... No, you know you didn't, how did this happen?

"You okay there, love?" Simon knocks on the bathroom door and you jump in surprise, like a child that's been caught red handed.

"Y-yes Si, j-just give me a minute... I'll be right there." Your period is about three weeks late so you bought a pregnancy test, your best friends advice, it wouldn't hurt, it was just to make sure, you certainly were not expecting this.

You hid the test on the cabinet under the sink and washed your face before coming out.

It's been a week since your ob-gyn confirmed a six weeks pregnancy and you still haven't found the courage nor the right time to break the news to Simon, so when he gets a call from Price to get deployed on a long mission you fear it would be too late by the time he comes back.

One month at most he said when he kissed you goodbye almost two months ago, you are 16 weeks into your pregnancy and your bump is starting to show, which only adds to your anxiety, between the morning sickness and your hormones being all over the place you still haven't figured out how to tell him.

As you ponder how to break the news to him, you realize that a simple phone call wouldn't suffice. With him stationed on the other side of the globe, risking his life every day, you hesitate to burden him further. At the same time, you know it wouldn't be ideal for him to return home and suddenly find you waddling around with a baby bump.

So you stay quiet and whenever he calls and asks why you sound so exhausted you blame it on your job, you say you are just stressed out, and he promises he'll take care of you once he's back, he'll relieve you from the stress the way you like it, the way only he knows how to.

You are laying on the couch wearing Simon's t-shirt, stuffing yourself with your favorite ice cream and watching trash tv when you hear fumbling outside your front door before it swings open, a very rugged Simon stands in the threshold , you curse under your breath, he didn't say he was coming home the last time you talked on the phone three days ago so you stand there and look at him overly conscious of the bump hiding under his t-shir and you thank the heavens he is a big man, you think the loose fit of his T-shirt would buy you time, your ice cream long forgotten in the coffee table.

He walks towards you with long strides as he pulls his balaclava over his head running his fingers through his messy hair and you shy away, you step back and freeze, eyes wide like a deer caught in the headlights, he stops in his tracks and tilts her head, his eyebrows pinch as his eyes linger on your midsection and you know you're fucked, he noticed, how wouldn't he, and you hope and pray he'd say something, anything, but he doesn't, he turns on his heels ready to walk out.

"Simon wait!" You call for him and he stops, his hand lingers on the door knob, "I can explain, please just hear me out" your voice cracks and you wish you had been brave enough to tell him before, you know about his childhood and his trauma, you know his struggles and why he didn't want children in the first place, he trusted you and you broke his trust, you deceived him from the moment you found out you were pregnant and decided to keep it to yourself because you were too scared to trust him back.

"Explain what?" He shouts turning around and walking towards you again, your hands fly to your belly instinctively, protective. You lower your head, eyes glued to the floor, ashamed.

[aleksa-sims]

RL Story

CW: panic attack, disease

Sandra’s last chapter started... 🌼😞

The next day I went to Sandra to pick up Liam. S. was the middle of moving. She asked me to take care of her little one. Before I went to her, I was in the hospital. My doc called me. He wanted to examine me again. It was about my blood levels. My leukocytes were elevated and since I was pregnant, he was a bit worried.

Though this was nothing new to me (my elevated Leukos), I was still scared as hell, when I got the call from the hospital. I was so terrified, that I got a panic attack.

Sandra: Did you have enough money for the cab? Why didn’t you call your parents to get you, or Daniel?

Me: Daniel has an appointment. I called my Mom. But it would have taken too long to wait for her. She was on the phone with me during the whole ride to distract me. She was so worried, it made me even more nervous, so I called you. And of course I had money with me.

Sandra: Now you're here & safe. You don’t have to be afraid, A.! Everything will be fine! Just continue to take those deep breaths..... Come, lay down on the couch.

Me: ..... Sorry S., but now I just don't want to be hugged. Pls don’t stress me!!

Sandra: Okay, I leave you alone. I won’t touch you, A... Try to relax.

Me: Thanks S.... Tell me something. What’s Liam doing?

Sandra: He’s asleep, but he’ll wake up soon. Yk, if this gets too much for you today with Liam, I can ask my Mom, or I take him with me? I just thought it would be good for you and Daniel to spend a day alone with Liam. Kind of.... a test.

Me: Daniel is good with Babies. Liam loves him. But you’re right! Now that I’m pregnant.... Let’s see, if Daniel even wants to take care of a Baby with me.

Sandra: I trust Daniel and you anyway. Is everything ok with you two? He seemed so quiet the other day.

Me: I slept with him last night. But.... agh, Idk? He's been so cold to me, this morning. Anyway, I don't wanna talk about it.

Sandra: Okay then.... tell me how your check up was? Why do you worry sm?

Me: Same damn issue as always.... My doc wanted to examine me more closely. He did an ultrasound to see if any white blood cells had accumulated in my organs. They’ll call me as soon as they get the results. But my Baby's fine. He told me not to worry.

Sandra: I know you’re terrified of being seriously ill. But you’re fine, A.! Your Baby is fine too, you just have to do something about your panic attacks. Did you take your pills?

Me: Yes! But I know why I got a panic attack. I’ve been thinking too much about the shit Irma told me six months ago. Daniel saw her. And just this morning, I also got that call from my doc. Right after D. told me about Irma that weirdo. You know?

As Sandra and I kept talking, the doorbell rang. Sandra told me she met a nice guy. He was her new neighbor. They met in that building/house, where her new apartment was. She liked him. He offered to help Sandra with the move, so he came by today.

While Sandra opened the door to her new neighbor, I walked over to Liam’s nursery. The little one woke up, but was still a bit tired. I stroked his head and smiled at him. As soon as Liam noticed me, he stretched out his arms, to take him out of his crib. So cute. Together we went back to the living room, where I put Liam in his high chair. At that moment Sandra’s new neighbor entered her apartment.

As I turned around, I saw a tall, young man standing in front of Sandra. While I was waiting for S. to introduce me to him, I noticed how she looked at him.  It was obvious, Sandra had a crush on that guy. Hm?... Ok, I got it! S. wanted to be alone with him. That’s why she needed me as a babysitter.

All right, then it's time for me to call Daniel to pick me & Liam up. I texted him. He’ll be there in a few minutes, but before Liam & I left, Sandra of course introduced me to her new... friend?

Sandra: That’s the...... nice guy, I told you about. Dario. He helps me with wallpapering and building up some furniture.

Me: Hey, D.! I'm Aleksa. Nice to meet you.

Dario: Hi!

Me: Um, well! You two are busy today. Can you please pack Liam’s things, S.? Daniel's already down there waiting for us.

Sandra: It's all done. I just have to get his sleeping bag. But we’ll help you carry his stuff in the car.

Me: C'mon sweetie! Uncle Danny’s waiting for you.

I didn’t talk much to Sandra’s new friend that day. From the first impression he seemed okay, but.....no! This guy’s gonna be S.’s worst nightmare, her..... end.😞 Some of you know what I’m talking about. Anyway, rn I don’t want to say more about him. At first everything seemed perfect. They were both in love and happy with each other, for almost 2 years. But unfortunately this guy was..... a psycho. 😔😢

And Daniel, he didn’t know Liam was gonna stay with us. But somehow D. knew, that I wanted to.... test him, to see if he could take care of a Baby with me. Well, let's see... 😬

Previous/Next

[science-lings]

Intro to my Phoenix!Phoenix AU

One thing I love about 'Phoenix being an actual Phoenix' AU's is that everyone can kind of put their own spin on it, maybe he has feathers and can talk to birds or is immune to fire, but because making a humanoid character into a mythical reincarnating bird is already deviating from every type of lore out there, you can just do whatever you want with it, which is my favorite thing to do.

The most important part of my particular Phoenix AU is his blood. In this au, his blood is what bursts into flames when he dies or is jumpstarted by an outside source of fire. It glows like molten metal to heal wounds and can even be transferred to another host to give them a bit of a magical healing boost in extreme situations.

continue on if you want to see the full informative essay lmao

He can set his blood on fire to jumpstart his own rebirth to skip the whole 'dying' thing, but that comes with its own consequences. It leaves him extremely weak and feverish for days afterward. In this AU he did take Dahlia's poison pills, and he ate the necklace, though because he almost died too recently, he still gets scars from the glass and the subsequent surgeries, he just wasn't strong enough to heal completely. It's why he gets away from eagle river with just a cold, he caught some of the debris of the flaming bridge and that ultimately saved him during the impact. Or at least kept him from having to fully die.

The fire fueled by phoenix blood is an unnatural blue and gets so hot that it melts metal and sets things around it aflame really easily. It extinguishes itself once Phoenix is healed but leaves behind scorch marks (both anywhere it touched and on Phoenix's body) and the normal fire that spawns from it needs to be dealt with more normally. Being reborn won't completely burn his suit off, but will leave ashy black marks in the places he was injured. idk how to logic that one out, I just think he deserves the mercy of not having to wake up from dying to be naked on top of everything else.

Phoenix can change forms, but as he wants to keep his mythical status a bit of a secret, he rarely does so and isn't good enough at transforming to do it during more urgent situations. His fear of heights also makes him less inclined to go birdmode. It's only after his disbarment that he becomes more comfortable testing out his own abilities and even joins Trucy in her magic shows as a flaming bird assistant. When he wants to watch his junior partners' trials, he occasionally attends in birdmode and hangs out in the courthouse windows. Sometimes he will swoop down to defend his kids from Taka as he has a bit of a grudge against the bird. He appears like Mia in times when hope is lost to scream a little, because he is a bird. (Trucy and her bird dad art)

Physical indicators of his true nature can mostly be hidden by his clothes, he has patches of small iridescent black/blue/indigo feathers like soft scales on his forearms, shoulders, back, hips, and lower legs. His hair is not quite made up of feathers but kind of supplemented by more featherlike bits of hair that only become obvious when touching it. He still has plausible deniability about his weird hair. His nails are naturally matte black and his eyelashes are long and dark enough to be noticeable but not too unusual.

Pre-Trucy he's trying his best to hide this part of himself but he gets more relaxed about it during his disbarment. when before he would refuse to roll his sleeves up even on the hottest of days, he gets more open about it with her. By the time he gets reinstated, his secret is kind of out so he sees no reason to try so hard to hide it.

One thing I'm still mulling over is how his immortality works. Either he can be good at being able to revive himself before he fully dies which causes him to reincarnate/regenerate into a new baby form with no/few memories of his life before or he could die, but only fully reincarnate every hundred or so years. This is all to say that I want his previous form to be Ryuunosuke. There are just core pieces of his personality that continue on, like being gay for his best friend and becoming a lawyer for him, and also his weird hair and big puppy eyes.

Also with all the talk about blood, I think a spinoff AU with Edgeworth being a vampire would just be fun. But I don't know how phoenix blood would affect a vampire... like would it reverse the vampirism? Would it partially reverse it? would it reverse the undead part but keep some of the silly vampire features? I haven't decided yet but it sounds funky to consider.

now to figure out what to call it... maybe Blood of the Phoenix (BotP AU), idk I'm taking suggestions now lmao

[liquorisce]

Mikasa trying to refuse sleeping in the same bed as her new husband the first night he’s got her <3

But also Mikasa not knowing how to act because she’s never had to deal with actually being an omega and her husband is very against her taking any suppressant. It sends her into a frenzy when he dumps all her pills and flushes them after finding her hunched in the closet trying to take them. Poor girl doesn’t understand her instincts at all and it’s killing her.

her safety net flushed down the toilet, just like that. her tormenter watching her with a wicked glee. “they’re not good for you sweetheart. idk how you were raised in the ackerman household, but with me, you’ll always embrace yourself. your real self.” and she’s stuck with him, now, a member of his clan, the papers were signed. despite after everything she did for her family, her unwavering loyalty, she was just a pawn in the game played by men who sought to use her body’s nature against her.

thumbing a frustrated tear off her wet cheeks, he says, “I can help you, you know. I can teach you how to feel better.” Teach you he says, not make you, I would be able to feel better by myself. I wouldn’t be dependent on anybody, she thinks, clinging on to the last dredges of her independence desperately. “Just say the words, Mikasa. I’m your husband; you don’t have to go through this alone, if you just ask me.”

his eyes glimmer with something darker, something basal that she can tell he’s fighting, pupils widening, a soft pant lacing his gravelly voice. as much as he loves to play the upper hand, her husband isn’t unaffected. yet she is the one on her knees, in a humiliating state of undress, body leaking from the withdrawal of drugs that she had been ingesting since the moment she presented. “it’s for your safety,” her father told her, his nose scrunched as if he couldn’t bare the stench of her. “For your own good, darling.” Like it was a problem he needed to take care of. And so she had taken them. Obediently. Even then, despite her strength, her brilliance, her potential, always forced to be obedient.

Not once had her father explained it to her, not even her uncle Levi, the one who taught her how to wield a knife, how to be quick; this terrible betrayal of her body had been kept hidden, unknown even to herself, the strength of this desire born from an empty, pulsing pit inside of her bringing her to knees. Rendering her helpless.

Now she is left at the mercy of the man she has been sold to, a man who’s name she’s grown up loathing; the man whose caused her family so much pain and ruin. but as she looks into this man’s eyes, the heat of her body growing from a prickly tingle on her skin, to an unbearable melting need that threatened to turn her inside out, the hate begins to get fuzzy. spit pools in her mouth, as the thumb that brushed her tears flicks a wet path across her lower lip, testing the warmth of her quivering mouth. Just say it, she thinks, self-respect steadily dissolving into nothing in the face of this unbearable, desirous pit inside of her that demanded to be filled. Ask him. Beg him. Your husband. Another part, a more basal part of her supplies a word that she does not fully comprehend, but a word that she feels with her entire body. Your Alpha.

She could beg, she thinks. But for what? She could ask him, but she wouldn’t know what she’s asking for, just that he takes this terrible need that is clawing inside of her and soothes it, sates it. Her tongue begins to lap at the pad of his thumb, his gaze growing darker, hungrier, pleased. It feeds the heat inside of her, making her breath heavy. As she watches him with glazed eyes, thumb in her mouth, slick drenching her panties, she thinks maybe she doesn’t need to know what. Maybe asking was enough. Eren would know what to give her.

Her Alpha would know what she needs.

[prisonpodcast]

Vent under cut tw queerphobia

Usually I don’t think about it too much but it just hit me that my parents would really not like me if they find out I like girls. Like I don’t think I’ll ever directly tell them at all, especially not until I move out, but like man. If they find out it could completely ruin our whole relationship. It’s wild to think about it, and I think that’s why I try not to 😭

Idk I’m just feeling a little down rn. My mom gets upset at any difference from the norm. She even gave me a lecture today about why I have to wear a bra because “it dosent look good without it” when I made a comment about mine causing me back pain and making me uncomfortable. And she’s made comments about lesbians being gross (I’m not a lesbian but like she probably thinks the same of any wlw). And my dad is like. Idk how to explain it but like Ben Shapiro/Matt Walsh pilled? Like he watches those people so his opinions are uh. Yeah.

It dosent help that I have a “friend” (I’m pretty pissed at her rn) that’s extremely queerphobic to both me and my other queer friend. We got into a screaming match argument like a week ago bc she said she would drop my other friend if he changed his pronouns (he was trying to test the waters to see if it was safe to come out to her as trans and it didn’t go well). And in the argument she made loads of crazy ass comments to both of us. I was doing most of the arguing back but she said things like we were both queer bc of mental illness and trauma. And she said I was probably “interpreting my feelings wrong” when it came to attraction towards girls. And she made a “joke” about how I probably SA people because I’m gay and when I was like wtf is wrong with you she was like “you called me transphobic” and I was like???? BECAUSE YOU ARE??? She said she would drop our friend because he’s trans?????

And she doesn’t think she’s homophobic because she reads BL porn and she doesn’t think she’s transphobic because she didn’t send hate to Elliot Page and Hunter Schafer 🤦‍♀️

Idk if this is coherent I know it’s pride month and like yayyy it’s ok to be gay and all but I really wish I wasn’t it actually really sucks that people will just have a problem with your existence for no reason and you just have to deal with all these extra problems cishet people will never know about or understand and if you say anything about it you’re a sensitive snowflake who should just get over themselves ☹️

Like the online spaces I’m in really had me fooled for a good long minute about how the world really feels about queer people. Because it’s not good. I’m just glad I can come on here and see everyone be so accepting and nice because without this my mental health would probably be a lot lot worse

And I think I’ve mentioned that I go to an all girl’s Catholic school? But the school is like really accepting lol we have a LGBTQ+ club and there’s pride flags all around rn and everything lmfao. It’s nice that that’s a safe space too even if some of the students are really queerphobic, but that’s to be expected anywhere. It just sucks that all these pride flags everywhere make it seem like the world is very supportive when it really just isn’t. And the people who are unsupportive think it is because of all the pride shit everywhere and then I have to listen to complaints about how queer people are overreacting because “everyone is accepting now look at all the rainbows, you don’t face any oppression” and it’s just so 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ SHUT UP how would you even know anyways you haven’t spend one single day being queer just shut up you don’t know what it’s like to constantly be scared of losing friendships and having your relationships with your loved ones be fucked up over something you have zero control over just shut up you don’t know anything 😭😭

[fluffyblue-multifandommess]

i just finished Erha volume two and I am SO happy I decided to try this story I LOVE THEM

but also I have Theories and im gonna put them under a readmore because I Do Not Want people to confirm or deny my theories or even give me hints I want ZERO spoilers so if youre reading this and you're the kind of person that can't help themselves with spoilery comments just dont read my post k thx

Theory 1: SHI MEI. Shi Mei has been dosing Mo Ran with the love pill things since Day 1, literally Mo Ran became obsessed with Shi Mei after Shi Mei gave him food. and he Stopped being obsessed with Shi Mei when they were at the Springs because they could hardly ever see each other which meant Shi Mei couldn't dose his food anymore.

Even if that's all off base, Shi Mei is. Suspicious as heck. Like. Maybe it's a red herring type of suspicious? I'm prepared for that but also. Why was Shi Mei there when Mo Ran and Chu Wanning emerged from the illusion test?? Literally he should not have been there he's supposed to be training, and presumably getting tested, in a whole different part of that place. ALSO the person who attacked Mo Ran at the end of volume 2 was very concerned with how Mo Ran feels about Shi Mei which is suspicious as HELL. My guess is that after Shi Mei died in the original timeline, he went to like the ghost realm or something, and could either see what Mo Ran was doing, or heard rumours or whatever. And when Mo Ran died, Shi Mei was pulled back too, but in a new body? or something? idk this isn't a very solid theory yet but I am looking at Shi Mei super sideways.

Theory 2: Ye Wangxi is a woman. (S)he's the one using the voice alteration spell that the paper dragon detected. When Chu Wanning suggested inviting YWX and SQT to stay in their room, Mo Ran tried to say "that would be bad for YWX because" and was cut off. I think it would be bad because YWX is secretly a woman, so staying in the same room as Mo Ran and CWN would make it difficult to keep her secret.

Okay that's my thoughts for now. If youve read this far, again please dont comment on my theories either way. I'm just writing it down for like posterity or something. If I'm right I will be delighted and have Bragging Rights, and if I'm wrong I can laugh about how wrong I was. Either way I wanna find out by reading the books, not from someone making comments on tumblr. <3

[kyrstalized]

"Why are you looking at me like as if I'm a dead person?"

Since I have no where else to vent or talk to since I don't want anyone to know what I've been going through besides strangers on this website.

I'm constantly in my mind, deep in thought or feeling my heart physically ache as it breaks. Being a human is hard and being a Indigenous person is harder because yenno that we're constantly lost in drugs and alcohol.

Drugs however....in my life anyways have taken all the people I ever loved with my whole heart. it always wins and I'm considering starting too despite being 58 days sober from alcohol.

I don't really remember the exact reason why I decided to quit alcohol besides looking at the girl who I love so much. my sisters baby. not a lot of people know this but we lost her this year, she entered the spirit world in July but I feel like we lost her many years ago. only thing that kept me comfort was remembering how she was when I was younger....always happy, positive and outgoing but inside I knew how lonely she must've been. I hate that I'm like that now too and I fear that I will leave this earth on purpose.

I've taken my lover for a ride last night listening to suicide boys - my flaws burn through my skin like a demonic flames from hell (will attach the song) and I can't help but remember how he was so drugged out, slumped out. it hurt seeing him like that knowing the universe will still continue if he left this place. for sure mine would stop because I literally can't live without him. he's my person...I chose him...he chose me.... I believe.

I say I believe because he talked to my father, man to man. he chose me and I pray to God or Creator that he's mine forever because I will follow him everywhere he goes. He is my shadow..

oh I also forgot to mention I have a brother who is currently in the hospital and he is doing no good and not stopping. he too is actively addicted to substances....so imagine all the pain of your only two siblings and the love of your life being addicted when you chose to stay sober in their honor.

I think the thing that triggered me the most is the fact I was offered to take a pill, I had no clue what it was but they told me to take it for my 'anxiety' yet I 'cried' or had a 'panic attack' because of all the pain I felt in my heart.

it was as if the devil was testing me to see if I'd fall too....I almost did because it was offered but I never took it... I put it in my pocket when they weren't looking. I still have it but I don't think I'll take it.

looking at it I'm thinking it's a constant battle. me vs that...but also me vs me because I have to fight to stay sober and all the thoughts and feelings that run through are so chaotic and dark.

I love everything around me, but I honestly think it's killing me.

if I leave this place, then people will finally show their love for me? their pain, their sorrow, their sorrys wishing they reached out when I've reached out multiple times? idk.

The world is scaring me, but I think I'm more scared of myself.

it's me vs me.

[nathank77]

8/16/24

I guess my true weight is around 175-180. I've been maintaining and really in the 175 range.

I'm over here looking up ideal tsh and whatnot and it's annoying cause .45 is normal.... I'm .35.... also appearantly tsh is highest around the morning time. I got my bloodwork bright and early.

I'm debating whether I should do 5mg every day or every other day. My Dr is good with either as long as I feel good.

My heart rate isn't alarming. My anxiety is about normal. Problem is insomnia raises my anxiety significantly.

My only real symptom is insomnia when I get down to it. I want to stay at 175 pounds. I've been tracking myself and I was 188 from Hypo to normal for about almost 2 months. Then I started really losing weight while increasing my caloric intake. And I was normal for 3 months.

I'm over here wondering If my insomnia is related to anxiety about money as well. Idk. Idk what the right decision is. I'll lose the weight I gain.

Technically if insomnia wasn't an issue i could stay here on 5mg every other day and my Dr would recommend that bc my t3 and t4 is perfect.

It sucks having to be on a tetter totter. If I go to 5mg a day I'll be Hypo. I'll gain weight. I will lose it once I go back to normal.

I'm just wondering what I should do. If I take weight gain out of it entirely bc I should. I have to remember 188 was 12 pounds less than when I was hyper.

If I take weight out of it- which is hard. Sleep came easier in Hypo and normal at all times. I didn't have to double up. I've had an increasing amount of nights I've had to double up since the beginning of August.... before then it wasn't a problem.

What else could be causing this insomnia?

-i think the weed helps me sleep but I think bc I took it away and then I suffered so much to insomnia that once I started xanax and I had weed out of my diet for so long that now my body is used to sleeping with xanax and weed is an add on but I dont need it like I used to. It's been almost a year since I was a chronic weed smoker...... my body actually got used to not needing weed everyday to sleep but it replaced it with xanax...

- the xanax will be effective for life at this dose. That's one of its true purposes. Thank God for xanax. I hate how much I love xanax. But it saved me from insomnia and Microsleep and suicide. And I mean yea it's addictive my body loves it.

But being xanax at this dose should be effective for life bc tolerance only raises for anxiety and panic attacks, the sedating effects stay the same at all times. why isn't it working the way it used to?

Something is causing insomnia. Tsh is the easiest answer bc it's technically sub clinical hyperthyroidism.. I'd like to think that with both t3 and t4 working together normally tsh wouldn't be the cause but I mean it's still hyper.

- I'm anxious about money but I mean not enough to keep me up at night.

- I'm not truly anxious about anything else. Maybe my eyes cause I have my Graves eye disease test coming up soon.... and I worry I'll need tepezza. And tepezza is SCARY but I'm not really thinking about it for a reason.

I want to follow my Dr's original medication plan but I dont want to have insomnia. And I'm trying to put together pieces taking weight out of it entirely bc I'll lose what I gain. He is always going to shoot for mid range levels and my levels have been perfect mid range up until this month. It will be corrected if I go Hypo and I understand I can.

Idk I'm all over the place bc I keep reminding myself for 2 months I was hyper when I started xanax and it knocked me out! Like a baby every night. All 3 levels wack as fuck. How can only one level make this much of a difference?

Idk. I'm on the fence. I took my pill today... I prob will tomorrow but I'm wondering is there anything else that could be causing my insomnia bc

IT WAS SERIOUSLY 2 MONTHS OF BEING HYPER AND XANAX KNOCKED ME THE FUCK OUT EVERY SINGLE FUCKING NIGHT

[bisexualsoup]

if you're able to (money/time wise) you could see a doctor about your headache and get an mri done. no harm in peace of mind. otherwise think about other symptoms. do you think you've been experiencing other symptoms of a brain cancer, or are there tangible ways to help your headache? (unclench jaw, drink more water, more sleep, practicing mindfulness and de-stressing, etc)

i know it's really scary, but i believe in you. chances are that you're okay, and either way you're strong. you've got this.

(very sorry for the unsolicited advice)

don’t worry about sending unsolicited advice i’m stupid and love when people smarter than me tell me what to do

any way i was in the hospital not very long ago and i’m supposed to go back to the hospital in like a week to get a sleep test. i’ve been having trouble sleeping and i think i have sleep apnea, so the headache is probs due to me not being able to sleep deeply/not getting enough oxygen while asleep?

my anxiety has just been so so so bad lately that i’m scared it could be something worse. i’m also scared to take any drugs even though ibuprofen would probably help a lot

when i was in the hospital before it was cause my jaw felt weird (like it was going to spasm but wasn’t, like kinda tight maybe idk how to explain it) and my head felt numb, and they said a muscle in my jaw was contracting and pressing down on a nerve so they gave me muscle relaxers but the pills give me more anxiety so i don’t wanna take them :( i asked about a cat scan but the doctor said it wasn’t necessary so idk

this sleep shit has been stressing me so bad tho and making me so anxious like everyday is a struggle lmao 👍

[moondonky]

Uneducated

You guys know there all lawyers why call them politicians, they'll take your rights and tell you in such a way that u think there defending them, they'll make illegal things they do legal as if there trying to make those illegal things illegal... there's always illegal vague exceptions added with as they vote for it,, and when I say illegal I mean unconstitutional... most people don't understand there protections there getting rid of,, sum good cop bad cop shit, i wouldn't trust any of them, the threat of divide and conquer, I would pay very close attention to how they word shit, cuz it's for a reason, how they play off your ignorance...

I'll give u examples, section 230 is one of them, first elon made Twitter private, then defined it as a publishing platform,, and now there pushing the censor accountability act which makes it seem like it's hold the government accountable, but really it's giving the government the ability to strip down section 230 and individually hold people accountable for publishing things, remember how elon said u can say whatever so long as it's not illegal, and what u cant say is very vague,, do u see how ur getting fucked, do u see how they changed free speech into publishing, like ur a news station lol..

Or the patriot act how it seemed like it was for fighting terrorists but really just a way to eavesdrop on everyone's privacy through the nsa,,

Or how bout roe vrs wade,, people think it's about abortion,, but really it was your medical privacy that got taken away, so it could be legally added to the databases,, that they collect and add to in every way,, 23 n me legally sold ur DNA, all these face filter apps legally mapped u for facial recognition.. there giving away free crypto in exchange for a retna scan... u guys literally willingly swabbed ur brain and sent it in as a covid test and let them inject you with sum shit that changed ur dna.. . idk I feel like I'm taking crazy pills cuz everyone seems retarded af or at the very least naive, they don't think they don't research they don't discern information.. high and drunk, cheers to idiocracy I suppose...

For the love of God put in sum effort at being smarter.. understand everyone in hell got outsmarted...

[catboy-jaebeom]

how are you

I know this ask is ages old, but I think right now would be a good time to answer it.

I'm doing good, actually, for the first time during winter in years. I've long tried to help myself, make it through those depressive phases on my own; and sure, I managed, evidently, but I'm 27 now, and enough is enough, you know. so I've started taking antidepressants recently, and while I'm still in the two week adjustment period I can already feel that I'm doing better? which is insane, because I was always so vehemently against trying any sort of pills because of so many horror stories other teens ten years ago told me? and I'm not saying they were all lying, I do think the side effects can be huge, especially as a teen, so I Get It, you know.

but I do wonder whether I could've had this a few years ago already, maybe, like, two or four or so.

either way, I feel ready now, and I guess that's what matters. tho please for the love of all that's holy to you, don't try and go to class during those two weeks, it's probably likely you'll end up like me, about to write a huge test, and instead you'll sit there basically paralyzed while your system is crashing in real time. -28494/10, can't recommend. be smart and kind to yourself and take those two weeks off. I know that's hard in this day and age and society, but this is about you and not about anyone else, and we often do not take care of ourselves enough these days.

I've also been able to write by now 24k words for my fic in the last week alone, and if that's not motivating, idk what is.

either way, thank you, anon, for caring. this means a lot.

[lastoneout]

So! Good news and some bad news!

The good news is the migraine pain is still completely gone!! Which is very exciting!!

The bad news is I made a mistake bcs my pain specialist is a fucking asshole.

CW: for what I would absolutely consider to be fucking medical malpractice as well as mentions of medical procedures involving needles.

TLDR; please for the love of fucking god listen to your gut, don't let them give you shit you know you'll have a bad reaction to, and don't fucking go to the worst ER in the entire city when you have the completely predictable bad reaction to the medication they shouldn't have given you in the first place.

I do not react well to steroids, something I found out when I was getting nerve blocks done in my lower back. I end up with my heart rate at like 130 BPM for hours and hours, and I'm typically very irritable and shaky and tired, it's just a mess and it has absolutely landed my ass in the ER before. My old pain clinic was chill about this, and when I told them about my reaction they immediately switched from doing traditional nerve blocks(injecting a numbing agent and steroids around the nerves to numb them and give me pain relief for a few months) to performing diagnostic nerve blocks(just injecting the numbing agent a few times so I can see if that helps my pain, just to be sure we've got it right) and when those worked they did ablations to those nerves(sticking long needles down to the nerves that get hot at the ends to essentially burn off the nerves, giving me relief for like a few years or more, depending on how long it takes my body to repair the damage). This was fantastic and worked perfectly.

My current pain specialist is not super great at listening when I talk to him, and tbh I just don't really vibe with him at all. When I asked him if this procedure might help he went "yeah sure maybe" and handed me a piece of paper as he was literally walking out the door. He also didn't ask any questions or order any imaging, which my previous pain clinic did, just to make sure this was the right choice and everything was where it was supposed to be. So I called his assistant on the phone to let her know about the steroid issues and ask if they could offer any type of sedation(I have a debilitating fear of needles, during my other injections I had to be knocked out completely just to make sure I didn't freak out), and she assured me it would be fine, they don't knock people out completely, but could give me valium to help me calm down and they just wouldn't use the steroids. She just instructed me to get there an hour early, so I could bring up my concerns with the doctor and I would have enough time for the valium to kick in before the procedure, and to let the receptionist know I needed to go back sooner when I got there.

When I get there, however, the receptionist tells me I need to talk to the nurse about that, and I can do that when I go back. I go back much closer to the appointment time, and I know from experience valium in pill form takes like an hour or more to kick in for me(my body is just really fucking weird about absorbing certain meds idk) so I need that time to make sure I'm actually calm. When I tell the second receptionist about it she says to tell the nurse. So I go back and tell the nurse about this, and she brushes it off and tells me to talk to the doctor about it. I finally see the doctor way too close to my appointment time for the valium to do any good at all, but I still bring it up as well as my concerns about the steroids. He essentially tells me that there's literally no point in doing the procedure AT ALL if they don't use steroids, which I know from experience isn't true, so I ask can't this just be a diagnostic test and so we know if this is what's causing the migraines or not and then come up with a treatment plan that doesn't involve steroids, and he brushes that off and basically tells me that they can try doing a lower dose of steroids, but it probably won't be as effective. That's not what I asked, but whatever.

Now here's where I fucked up. I was in the ER Monday and Tuesday with one of the worst migraines I have ever had in my entire life. It lasted four days, two before I went in and then Mon and Tue, and while they did get it down to like a two, it hadn't even gone away completely yet, and that means it could rebound, and tbh I was in that "I would do anything if it meant making the pain stop" mental state. I don't make good decisions when I'm in that mental state. And I did have some steroids the night before in the ER and I didn't have a bad reaction to them, so I go ahead and say fuck it.

This was a mistake.

He also agrees to give me the valium, which takes the nurses like 20+ minutes to EVEN FIND and they end up having to go down to the hospital pharmacy to get some. By the time they come back there is absolutely nowhere near enough time for it to kick in, but I take it anyway and convince myself that at least by the time I get home I'll be on the fucking moon so whatever, and they say they can give me like 15 minutes or so.

They do another patient before me, but by the time they come back the valium hasn't kicked in at all. I felt nothing. They told me they were running out of time and either I would have to reschedule or just let them do it now.

I decide to just let them do it because again, migraine me is a fucking idiot. The needle part actually wasn't that bad, and the lingering migraine pain went away completely. There was a little swelling and soreness, but it didn't feel like my migraine pain. This was it, we figured it out, I know what's causing them now. I go home and am very happy.

The valium still hasn't kicked in.

However very quickly after I get home I start to feel extreme pain in the right side of my head and neck. Now I am one of those bitches with a really high pain tolerance, so pain bad enough to actually affect me is always Concerning. The injection site is swollen bigger and I literally can't even put an ice pack on it because ANY contact no matter how light is excruciating(like cloth brushing across it lightly made me want to break down sobbing, it was bad). My neck starts to swell a little too. I eat dinner bcs god dammit I want to eat dinner, but by the time I'm done moving my neck, chewing, breathing, and fucking TALKING all hurt. I am at an 8.5. We call the on-call doctor, it takes like an hour to get through to him bcs ofc it does, and he is like "oh yeah you need to go to the ER like right now" so I do.

Second mistake, I go to the ER in the hospital that I had the procedure done in. This is the worst reviewed ER in the entire city, and I've had so many bad experiences there I generally flat-out refuse to go there even though it's like a 3 minute drive from my house and the good ER is like 15 minutes away, and I tell all of my friends and family to also literally never go there unless they have no choice.

(For reference, once I brought my mom there with a huge open infected wound on her leg and they didn't see her all night, no one even helped her bandage it despite the fact that it was wrapped in a fucking plastic bag that was falling off, and she needed help going to the bathroom and the nurses refused. Apparently, some guy threw up on the floor while she was there and no one cleaned it up. The next morning we came back and took her to a different ER and they freaked out the second they saw her leg and admitted her right away, She was talking to a doctor within SECONDS and she was in the hospital for a fucking month. So yeah I generally don't go to that first ER bcs I'm pretty sure I could collapse in front of the triage nurse and start bleeding out on the floor and they still tell me it will be a few hours before anyone can help me.)

But fine we go there. By the time we roll in I'm at a 10. I can't move my body without being in pain. Walking hurts. Any adjustment to my upper body is fucking agony. I'm basically sobbing in pain. Other patients are staring at me.

THEY MAKE ME WAIT IN THE ER WAITING ROOM FOR FOUR FUCKING HOURS BEFORE CALLING ME BACK.

When they do call me back it takes like another 45 minutes for the doctor to even come to talk to me. Thankfully she does a thorough examination and determines that I'm just having a really bad reaction to the steroids, but it's not life threatening. She gives me some ibuprofen and tylenol and it helps take the pain down to a 6 so she sends me home. Which I agreed to bcs I hate it there and I just wanted to fucking leave. (There is a cancer patient behind me and he mentions that they wanted to admit him a week ago, but told him it would be a week before he could see an oncologist so he just went home. This hospital is fucking morally bankrupt.) I'm thankfully able to get lots of sleep once I'm home, and I'm only at like a 3 as I type this.

ALSO THE FUCKING VALIUM NEVER KICKED IN?? It's fucking conspiracy brained but given that the last time I took valium I was higher than I've ever been in my entire fucking life I'm not entirely convinced they didn't just give me some fucking ibuprofen or something. What the complete fuck.

Anyway, yeah. So that sucked. I have already called my neurologist to request an appointment and I am absolutely going to ask her to refer me back to my other pain clinic because after all that there isn't an amount of money in the entire fucking world that could convince me to see this fucking pain specialist again, and if she can't do it I'm going to ask my primary, and I will keep asking because again, I am not seeing that man again.

I'm also never taking steroids again unless it's a life-or-death situation. This is more than enough proof that my body just can't deal with them.

But hey at least I know what's causing my migraines now. So that's a win.

Yay.

I don't really know exactly why I'm posting this, I guess I just want to share my joy, but y'all...the nerve block worked. My migraine went down a little over the night so I was only at like a 1.5-2 but I swear to god the second they were done EVERY SINGLE PART of my stopped hurting. The only pain I'm feeling rn is at the injection site and a smidge in my jaw, but that's not a huge deal bcs I know the steroids take a long time to do their thing and I usually have pain around the injection site when they do this in my back, plus I did already suspect something like 10% of my migraines aren't entirely due to my neck, but like...it worked. It fucking worked.

I've been living with chronic migraines my entire life, and in the last five years, they've gotten so bad that I can't work and have to cancel streams and hangouts with friends all the time. I have migraines more days than I don't and I've never been able to find out what my trigger is aside from not sleeping well and eating lays potato chips(rip I miss them so much) or gluten or being on my period?? and on some days I'm in so much pain I can't even feed myself or shower. 8-10 is the norm, they don't go lower on their own, they NEVER go away on their own, no matter how much time I spend lying in bed in the dark with icepacks on my face. My migraine rescue meds don't always work, or they work for a day and then it comes back, and I seem to be fucking Immune(tm) to Excedrin and ibuprofen. All that together has legit been ruining my entire life.

And I am not even a little ashamed to admit that once they were done and asked how I felt I broke down sobbing in the exam room because it WORKED. Instantly. Years of pain and agony and no help from my doctors, of blaming a medical condition that treatment hasn't fixed, telling me to limit screen time and lose weight, forcing me to try 50 different medications none of which help, of spending long nights in the ER hoping they can fix me even though it's typically a 50/50 chance....and now it's over. I don't have to do that anymore. They fixed it. They fixed it.

I'm crying right now as I write this. I never thought this was possible. Like I believed that it was my neck and my doctors agreed, but I was so worried that this would all be for nothing, I didn't think it would work, I know most disabled people dream of finding the One Thing that's causing all their problems even though most of us never do, but I guess luck decided to smile on me this day, this is what's causing my problems and it's treatable. It's over. I found the path out of this hell and it was the right one. I don't even know what to do, what to say. I'm so happy I can't even be happy, all I can do is cry because the hardest part is over.

There's still work to be done, but the path is clear. And honestly @ any gods that are listening, please grant this to my fellow disabled people. They deserve to feel this, we all do.

[bleuberrygliscor]

maybe having a friend come w you to get your vaccine will help? just to talk to and get your attention off it as much as possible while its happening. i dont have a fear of needles, but when I got my first shot the person doing it started conversation with me and I didnt realize it was just to distract me while they did it. idk if that will help in any way for you, but it's just an idea?

Normally when I have to get blood work or shots done I do take someone with me! The last time I had my lovely boyfriend restrain me like a cat in the vet, damn near full nelson so that I don't kick and mess up the needle, that's...how bad I get.

But! In my post-stress vom haze and anxiety induced insomnia googling I found that they are actually working on alternate means to injected vaccines! There is currently a pill form in development as well as a patch and possibly a nasal spray as well! I am upset no one was talking about this, but now all of my trypanophobia friends don't need to worry about having a meltdown in front of a whole room full of people ٩(๑❛ヮ❛๑)و

[kryptonitejelly]

For the flyboy universe 🥺 I’m sorry I just can’t get enough, soft Jake has full control of my brain. The idea of beyond excited soon to be a new daddy Jake and the adoration and love. He’d literally be on his knees pressing his forehead to your belly

You’d gone off the pill as soon as you’d gotten engaged, knowing if it happened it happened (also jake would have happily tossed them as soon as you started dating but yknow, he can wait) . Jake was delighted by the idea of having lots of kiddos (*cough cough* and the idea of making them) it was still early in your pregnancy and he stumbled on the tests in a carefully wrapped box. (Also you are not sneaky or good at hiding it, you absently had started tucking one hand around your barely there baby bump the other morning and he definitely suspected it) you’d wanted to surprise him and you’d been getting ready to place the box on the counter when he slips his big calloused palm over your lower belly with a “is there something you would like to tell me darlin?”

Also the cutest most protective daddy while pregnant headcannons please 🥺🥺🥺 he’d be so extra adoring and protective and doting. The mans would worship you and the tiny bump

🥺🥺🥺🥺 baby, this makes me sooooooo soft 😭

Context: Flyboy

I have talked about this with someone and kdhflshfls yes, he would have fucking tossed the bc - because let’s face it, he wants kids, you are his forever, he’ll love you no matter when the kids come, and he’ll always put you first.

But okay because they got married a year or slightly more after getting engaged ish skfjdodjslaldj -you whined to him that you wanted sometime alone with him maybe, and going “but Jakey, I want it to be just us” made him all flsjfodksldif and I’m saying you all mostly decided on the pull out method (because even if you whined to him; if it happened, it happened) - but of course there were the few times you were feeling f r i s k y and you told him to cum in you. And duh, Jake loves it (man had a breeding kink, swear).

And imagine if the first time (kdhfkshfkdj spoken to people about this before also, but not tagging bc Idk if they want to be tagged) it happens, you are off your bc and the “daddy” words slips out >:)) together with “cum in me” and it makes Jake cum right then and there. But he can’t even be embarrassed about it, because “fuck baby, that was hot.”

But once you got married for real and after a while when you were really ready to try - Jake was finishing in you ever, single, time. And you were both having sex on literally, every, surface (as if you weren’t already)

He would fuck his cum back into you with his fingers sometimes - 100% can see that happening.

And omg yes - he would know before you, because he would be sooo observant + find the test kits. You avoiding alcohol, certain dairy products, raw fish. And the hand and finding the kit 🥺 he would be sooo excited inside, but won’t say anything to you though he is bursting to, because he wants to let you tell him at your own time.

He’ll be standing by you at the kitchen counter. Jake will know the moment you pad up excitedly to him, but before the box is down yessssss, his slips his hand under your top onto your belly. You can feel his callouses, warm skin snd the black rubber ring he wears as a wedding ring, on the days he has flights against your skin.

“Is there something you want to tell me darling?” He will have this absolutely cheeky glint in his eyes and this smile brimming with happiness and you would just be like :o gasp???? “You knew????”

And he would just grin at you and lean to kiss you, his hand still on your belly, “i know everything about you, you are my girl.” he would add, “both my girls” because he has a hunch it is a girl skfjdkdklss. he is right

Yesssss he would dote on you even more (how is that possible) once you are pregnant, acting like your personal bodyguard. Not letting you lift a finger, going to every doctors appointment when he isn’t away.

I say Javy gets transferred to his squadron (let me live!!) and Javy also starts treating you the same way.

And once your bump shows - it is ridiculous, you are going to the mall with these two hulking men, bulging biceps, shades, each towering on either side of you. The rest come to visit and the moment they see you walk into the restaurant with the two pseudo bodyguards they are cackling.

But once they find out you are pregnant - for the week they visit, you have a GROUP of bodyguards. Phoenix being the fiercest because she is an absolute boss, telling the men she is the best for the job and because she is a great friend <3

If you go to the bar with the group she will insist on interrogating every waiter who serves you a drink to make sure no an ounce of alcohol is inside. She’ll test it first anyway - and so will Javy, and Jake last because he doesn’t trust the clowns and you are his goddamn wife.

I believe Jake will get you all sorts of cute maternity dresses, and you’ll start wesring more of his clothes - pulling a checkered shirt of his over a stretchy tank, because you don’t want to buy too many maternity clothes. The sight of you in his clothes, carrying his baby makes him all alfhkshfkdkslajdj because that is his girl.

Midnight craving for pickles? Jake’s got you.

Javy will be bringing you all sorts of snacks if bring pregnant gives you a sweet tooth.

If Jake is away when you are massively pregnant, and Javy is in, he’ll be sleeping in your guest room; even though he lives nearby.

If you want to exercise while pregnant, Jake will be there, or Jake and Javy because they are sooo scared.

When you are super pregnant, alot of the days you have when Jake is free, especially weekends, will just be spent both of you sitting together on the couch, in the backyard, wherever, you leaning against him, reading a book with his arm around you, finger tips caressing the bump where possible.

Oh oh and sex? Never been better - especially when the pregnant hormones kick in and there is that trimester where you want sex all the time. Doesn’t help that Jake thinks with the bump, you are absolutely a fucking sex goddess carrying his child.

There was once you were both on the way to dinner while your bump just starting showing. You both ended up fucking in his truck somewhere, missing your reservation and ended up grabbing burgers for dinner.

[naddiesflower]

Hello. I’ve always had this idea but I can’t write fanfic for the life of me. Powerpuff girl! Reader with anyone from bnha. Maybe just in general about being in UA. Ignore this if you want. Just a thought <3

sorry this is late, the wifi has been out for a month and it's not fun lolol this is pretty short cuz my brain has gone poopoo

this can also be viewed as platonic

Characters: Shoto, Bakugo, Shinsou, Denki

Shoto

Is surprised you can produce fire

He hadn’t seen it when you first met each other

But he had heard about it from his classmates 

“It’s so pretty!”

“I’ve never seen anything like it.”

And he was a bit apprehensive about what he heard

In his mind, he was like, “fire? Pretty? Idk about that one chief.”

He’s never been more wrong in his life

When he does see you use fire he’s enthralled

The color of the fire is so unique and just so you

The both of you become quick friends (more like you talk and he happily listens to you)

He learns to appreciate and actually love his fire quirk through you

Bakugou

Absolutely loves sparring with you

You don’t look it, cuz you’re actually cute incarnate

But you are an absolute unit when it comes to fighting

He knows you have superhuman stamina

But he likes testing your limits

Which only ends up with him being absolute tired

And you’ve barely broken a sweat

“C’mon Katsuki, let’s take a break, you're only tiring yourself out.”

“One more round!”

And that would repeat for a while longer

Whenever he gets frustrated about stuff he spends time with you because it helps him cool off

You’re like his happy pill

Shinsou

He’s not fond of very many people 

But it’s the exact opposite with you

Something about you just is really different 

You had just blindly trusted him from the very beginning

He was sure you heard about his quirk, about how evil it could be 

But you made no notion of questioning him and talked to him animatedly 

Despite being in different classes you made the effort to always meet with him 

And when he started to get serious about being a hero you were there every step of the way with him 

Because of your nigh invulnerability, you and Shinsou would practice honing his brainwashing quirk

Which arguably has made your bond with each other so strong   

Denki

I envision the two of you to be crackheads

When he finds out that you leave an energy trail of color when you fly

He’s absolutely amazed

“Why didn’t you tell me you could do that!”

“I can’t really control it, it just happens?”

Will plead for you to write/draw stuff with your energy trail

“Hey, can you write my name?”

You fly and when you’re finished there are lingering kanji

“Done and done.”

You can almost see the cogs turning in his head as he contemplates what he’s going to say next

“Can you do a di-”

Cue you smacking his arm