#idk how but anytime I try to be kind to myself in any way possible | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

lv-iceprince · 26 days ago

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https://www.tumblr.com/lv-iceprince/764199268811718656/httpswwwtumblrcomlv-iceprince763878569324756

Heyy I’m not sure if you received my message or not😢but I’m glad I wrote it on my notes so I can copy it lol and if you did receive, I’m sorry for sending a duplicate😭I just want to make sure you received it😭

Aww my grandma is cherished by me lol my mom’s bias Yunho and she’s keeps calling him her son🤣but it’s the fact that they saw EVERYTHING at the concert. The hip thrusts, the explicit camera angles, the HAND PLACEMENTS, Mingi cursing (good thing my grandma doesn’t know English lol) like literally Ateez were being bad squishies on stage and my dad saw everything too like it literally had me rolling remembering how my grandma was seeing everything back there but she never mentioned it😂😂

Really? Lol I won’t be going to Australia anytime soon but I do one day, you’ll see me at a kpop concert😂

I really love that so much about the fan community. Idk about Stays yet in person but Atinys, we all literally passed out freebies and stuff, we had a cup sleeve event the day before the concert for Mingi’s birthday, we did dance challenges together, it was sooo fun. I really felt like I was part of the community and got so many compliments on my outfit. They were soo sweet🥹♥️

Nahh fr, it’s like when kpop groups come to America, Australia, and a few others, they release the beast in them and don’t hold back😂😂but I meannnn I’m not complaining lol🤣🤣

Yes I had to do what I had to but next time I’ll be more prepared and consider myself more cuz I sort of did learn my lesson in wearing heels? I mean I knew I was going to suffer but yeah I probably won’t torture myself more than what I already went through lol. And oh ok about the anime👌

Dang that Mars synastry was the end of the world😂😂and awww the hehet aesthetic is the best🥹♥️

No I get it, I overthink so much too and not at all! I’ve been talking to you because you’re so nice and sweet to talk to and you really gave me the initiative to talk since you were into music and that’s what really made me want to get to know you and couldn’t help myself. I really love music so much I got so happy I found someone who writes music like me here🥹I’ve never even requested for any of your works before and I have been reading them for the others you’ve done instead and love them. It’s literally my first time requesting😭

And tell me why, because this goes for me as well. Introverts tend to sound so extroverted online and texting but we’re complete opposites in person?😂😂Because I’m like that but I’ve learned to be more social through work and uhhh experiences so I definitely get it😂😂

I’m so happy to hear you had a great birthday!! But definitely if you need a break, take it and get some time for yourself. We’ll still be here. Awww you’re deserving of love and more♥️💕

~🎶

I'm so sorry I didn't respond at the time! but yes thank god for you resending this again because I in fact didn't get it🙃

But yeah I had a huge dumb tourism assignment and immediately had to get ready for the skz concert I just got back from it today actually! Man, it was awesome like the way they were catering for stay, the huge ass stage with the awesome sfx, they just went hard for no reason.

AND OH GOD I HAD THE MOST MAIN CHARACTER MOMENT WITH FELIX AND IT HAPPENED NEAR THE END OF THE CONCERT AND I LEGIT STARTED CRYING. Everyone was cheering and I was crying a whole ass river. I'm literally still trying not to cry rn as I write this but it was just so kind and special in the most aussie way possible. BECAUSE TELL ME WHY FELIX LEGIT GAVE ME SOME KIND OF BIRTHDAY GIFT BECAUSE WHEN THE DAMN LEE FELIX ACKNOWLEDGES YOUR EXISTENCE IN THE NICEST WAY POSSIBLE EVEN WHEN YOU'RE IN THE BACK BACK LIKE HE IS A MONSTER MAKING ME CRY SO MUCH THE MARS IS FUCKING MARSING.

Now back to you! Dude it feels somewhat victorious when even your parents adopt your idols as sons. My mum loves 3racha to infinity but since she knows how much I love Felix she started calling him "sonny boy" But man idk how your mum can still see Yunho as a son when she would have seen it all.

And you know what if you were ever in Australia come on in to a kpop concert it is a time. Honestly back to fandoms, I'm antisocial af so I normally don't talk but when I do talk to them, for the night of the concert they are angels but then we part ways never to speak again lmao.

Thank you for requesting too! I know I keep saying it but I'm so glad you finally requested from me i love having you as an anon too and I don't always need requests but your request had me getting all sparkly on main.

#🎶anon #my precious anons #💖💖💖#you make my heart sing

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whentherewerebicycles · 2 years ago

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okay trying to ignore my feelings isn’t working so I am just going to rapidly write down what I am feeling right now so I can maybe move past it

I’m so disappointed

I loved everything about my job and the kids and the work I got to do

this program was my baby :(((((( I built it basically from scratch and I learned so much doing it and I loved it so much

I feel like we received poor guidance from that development office lady at every step of the way and I know I’m just looking for someone to blame but I keep being like what if we hadn’t asked for so much money what if we had been in more consistent communication what if we had started the whole process earlier what if etc. also just what a maddening person to work with I’m annoyed to have wasted so much energy working with her the last few months ugh

I don’t understand why we didn’t get funded when you look at their grantmaking this past year and we’re so perfectly aligned with their priorities and have a demonstrated track record of success aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i think it also feels like a personal rejection because the program feels so much like it’s Mine. and I hate not getting stuff I apply for sigh

I knew my “getting paid a full time salary for what was essentially part time work with built in time to write” setup couldn’t last forever but I had hoped it would last a few more years. it’s going to be such a massive bummer to give up this dream schedule

all the other jobs at this level/type of work at my university pay $10-15,000 less a year and I can’t really take that kind of paycut if I want to have a kid anytime soon. I fear it’s going to put me in a situation where I have to choose between doing work I really like and having a salary that allows me to put money away

I hate transitions of any kind and I especially hate job transitions

I was gonna have a dream job next year (getting paid just to do program-related research and design the new program with minimal other responsibilities) and now I’m going to have to have a real job instead

everything in the world just kind of sucks right now and this feels like a year of many big and small disappointments. I’m doing ok not letting my bleh feelings snowball too much but it’s hard not to feel like the universe owes us all something really good to make up for the general shittiness of everything

I have to give up my beautiful office 😭😭😭

sigh okay. now I need to make a list of positive or at least more hopeful things.

I had a really fucking awesome final year

I really enjoy learning how to do new things and with my current role I have kind of reached a point where I basically know what I’m doing and how to do it well. and there’s nothing inherent in the structure of this job that forces me to adapt and try new things. a change in job/possibly field of work will mean I can’t just coast and I know that’s “good” for my brain and my development as a “person” or whatever. I’ll enjoy the new thing once I’m in it it’s just the transition that sucks

it’s still possible we might get funded through the university but I’m trying not to let myself hang my hopes on that too much. however I think it will be good practice for me to vocally advocate for the program in the next few weeks instead of going gentle into that good night etc. even if nothing comes of it I think it will be a good chance for me to ask for what I want and try to find creative ways to get it.

I’ve been feeling a little less tied to texas lately… idk I still love austin and I really really love my friend group there but I’ve been opening my heart a little more to possibly eventually relocating to live closer to either family or my bff liz, mostly to make the experience of raising a kid easier. the program would’ve tied me to texas for another 5-6 years so maybe this is the universe helping me be a little more flexible about the future.

I learned SO much from building and running this program and I feel like I gained a lot of good, grounded confidence in my ability to learn how to do a complex new thing. last time I was on the job market I was fresh from my PhD and postdoc teaching year and feeling extremely unsure about how or whether any of my skills translated to other kinds of work. but I am in a totally different place professionally than I was three or four years ago and I think/hope the job search will be a lot less demoralizing this time around.

I am trying to remind myself that transition periods suck and change is scary but the worst part is always that you can only see what you’re losing and have no idea yet what you’ll gain from making the change. maybe the next thing is going to be even more awesome than this would’ve been! who knows!! anything is possible!!!

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painted-crow · 3 years ago

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hey so i'm looking to figure my sorting out. i'm p sure of my secondary but honestly i've gone in circles so many times that i'd believe anything lmao

so i guess to start like. i'm fairly sure i'm an idealist, but with a twist. i care about making the world a better place-- i'm kinda infamous among my friends for being a little TOO outspoken about my opinions. on a small scale, i have strong opinions about a lot of things, but on a larger scale... idk. i don't think any one person can know what an ideal world looks like cause there really is no such thing. there are literally countless variables when it comes to implementing even small systems, countless ways to fuck it up, so i don't think i'd be choosing some grand ideal over the people i love anytime soon.

that being said, i think my idealist streak gets directed into something else most of the time. i'm very focused on understanding myself to a fault. i want to know why i do the things i do, why i believe certain things over others. when it comes to my beliefs about the world, they're strong but take it or leave it, but when it comes to myself they are not a good idea to push. i've ended relationships over not feeling like myself with them or feeling like i'm losing myself or they're pushing me to be someone i'm not. i make strong instant decisions about what the "right" thing to do is when it comes to how it impacts my perception of myself, especially with intimate relationships (i'm a lot less impulsive with things like friends and things i'm less personally involved in). i NEED to know who i am, way more than i care about any one specific person or thing. obviously i love people very deeply and would do just about anything to have both, but if i don't know who i am, if i'm not true to myself, then i have nothing. losing people happens.

the issue is, because i'm prone to doing that and not thinking as much about how it'll impact people, i've been called selfish a lot over my lifetime. recently i've started thinking more about how my actions impact people and their feelings, and i'm feeling a lot more torn. i want to do what i want to do, what i feel is best, but i feel immature for doing it a lot. i've started worrying a lot about being a bad person and hurting people, and i've been thinking about how the "right" way to be is. i went through a phase where i was repressing myself to make the "moral" choice, but i just felt so flat. ultimately i realized that it doesn't really matter how good i am if i have to repress myself to get there, cause then all it is is performance. tldr is i feel super guilty for making "selfish" choices rn, especially as i've gotten more aware of other peoples' feelings.

what i think is probably going on is that i'm an idealist primary with a badger model, but i'm not sure between lion and bird, and i'm still open to badger. pretty sure i'm not a snake.

the section on my secondary's gonna be a lot shorter, sorry this got so long! so i'm p sure i'm a badger secondary. considered lion and snake secondary too. whatever i am, i have a p loud lion model over it. i've always had a gift for making people trust me, for acting. i kinda blend in and become what i need to to both help them and get them off my back so i can do what i need to do. i have a serious passion for helping people with tough love (i like to think of myself as a p good advice giver, since i can both tell people what they need to hear and really get in their shoes and be kind where other people might not). i think i judge myself the least when i can kinda toe that line between pushing boundaries and stepping back-- i track where peoples' boundaries are constantly so i can push them to the limit without stepping over them. i'm very fluid when it comes to presentation in reality, even though i think people actually think of me as kinda controversial. i tend to see people who are ACTUALLY overstepping boundaries as lowkey selfish at times, even though i also really respect them. i like to do things the "right" way as long as i give a shit about them. the catch is, i don't want to blend into the background, and i don't think i do. a partner of mine called me a fox cause he noticed the way i constantly toe that line where i can get people to notice me and still keep them off my back, still make them comfortable. i'm also NOT a planner. people constantly give me shit for only ever feeling things out in the moment, and honestly thinking about the future freaks me out. i don't want to plan how i do shit i'd rather just get in the zone and figure it out from there. tldr i'm pretty sure i'm a badger secondary? but i could be convinced of snake. definitely see elements of both but my gut's telling me badger so take that how you will

anyway! thank you so much for taking the time to answer this, i know it's a lot.

also sorry one thing i forgot to add about my secondary! i think my lion model got so loud because when i do the shifty presentation thing, i have a tendency to lose myself and start perceiving myself as whatever i'm presenting. it's made it really hard to figure out who i actually am and so i started just being as clear about it as possible.

for my primary, i really care a lot about being right. i try to take every side into consideration to make sure i get the best conclusion. i can be super stubborn when it comes to certain things, but i don't want to just... hold to perceptions that are wrong. that being said it's important to me to trust my gut and i take it as a big input. i'm very felt out for most things, don't really have a strong system of how to be. i really wanna be able to trust myself but i just don't. i have a big habit of relying on other people to tell me what to think, which is uh. yeah.

Primary

You're a Bird primary with a Lion model, and you're trying on some Badger ideals. That's one of the easier Sorts I've done, lol! Possibly because your primary and models actually House match mine :p

Your reasoning process screams Bird xD and so does your writing style and just the length of the ask. Birds love self-analysis, it's part of how we make sure our systems stay as close to true as we can make them.

You've got some Lion too, but it's a model. It sounds like your Lion and your Bird have come into conflict before, and like most Birds with Lion models, it bugs the snot out of you when your Lion's intuition (which is important data!) doesn't line up with what your Bird knows.

You've prioritized Bird's conclusions before, but (as with many Birds) you don't entirely trust your own system and you're wondering if your Lion might have been right and you should give its reasoning more weight.

Also, you're consciously deciding that maybe Badgers' way of doing things is more moral than yours, and you're pulling in some of those ideals. That doesn't make you a Badger primary. Birds are notorious for this kind of thing actually 😂

The line between whether some ideals you've pulled into your Bird system vs. what counts as a model is fuzzy. It's up to you really, how important those pieces of Badger are to you.

For me, I think the line might be--is it wired into your sense of self on its own, or does it get filtered through your Bird and Lion? It really sounds like your Lion is a strong part of your sense of self: if you ignore its advice, you feel not totally like yourself. You don't have to feel all your models equally strongly, but thinking of it that way might help.

(It's also hard because Birds often feel like they kind of are their systems, or they are their ability to reason, that's a core part of their identity. ...It's complicated.)

Secondary

You sound really really Snakey. I'm not sure where you're getting Badger, actually!

Badgers are more than the mirroring ability. They also bury themselves in work or community, and it can sometimes look like they're neck deep in so many responsibilities that they couldn't possibly handle any more problems--and then they do have a problem, they do need something, and they stand up and all that stuff they were buried in turns out to be armor and tools.

Snakes, otoh, are improvisational and tend to be very aware of their surroundings. Unlike Badgers, the Snake brand of social shapeshifting involves a lot of keeping track of other people's reactions to what they're doing--trying something and then watching the response, then adjusting, rinse and repeat. You turn yourself into exactly the right person for this situation.

Badger mirroring is usually simpler. You reflect the other person's energy back at them: it's an empathetic response that says we're alike, I accept you, you're safe. A lot of Badgers do this without thinking--it can be hard to turn off.

Snakes also don't go in for prep work as much, it tends to trip them up (Snakes with Badger or Bird models notwithstanding). They're Improvisational secondaries, unlike Bird and Badger which are Built and rely heavily on some form of preparation.

The Lion model sounds legit, but just check for yourself: you might be learning to use Snake's neutral state. Snakes will sometimes drop all their layers of acting and maneuvering and suddenly they're just themselves. Different Snakes have different relationships with neutral state. For some Snakes, it's a relief to drop the mask; for others, it feels vulnerable and they only trust certain people with their full authenticity.

It does sound like you really admire Lion secondaries, though, so you might indeed have a model there! This is just something else you could check on.

Hope that helps!

- Paint

#first post in a while huh folks #gotta remember how to tag...#ravenclaw primary #gryffindor primary model #slytherin secondary #gryffindor secondary model #asks #paint speaks #sortinghatchats

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twopoppies · 4 years ago

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Ok, I’m gonna ask something and I really really hope where I’m coming from translates because I know how this can look.

I’m asking this question because I often ask it to myself, and I don’t know that I have an answer to it, but I’m young and new and I see you as a fandom auntie imparting your wisdom so maybe you can help me? I’m in my head a lot, all the time.

What would it take for you to go “alright that’s it, there is no Larry/they’re not together anymore”? I know, I know this question is shady. I’ve seen it thrown around a bunch of times in the year I’ve been a fan and it always gets a snarky response (which I totally get because I don’t think it comes from a genuine place). But as I said, I keep asking it to myself and when that happens I get a little frantic. Does that make sense? Like, it kind of gives me anxiety to think about that.

I keep wondering, if 5 more years go by and Freddie is still around... how would I feel? I don’t THINK that’s gonna happen, but then again, there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight and he’s already 5, so who the fuck knows, you know? Would I be a firm believer on what I believe if I saw an 8, a 10 year old kid talk about Louis as his dad? I don’t have an answer... and it scares me, because it makes me feel delusional and I know I’m not.

What would happen if Louis and Eleanor got married? Do I think it will happen? No... but I mean, I also didn’t think they’d survive this long. When I first came into the fandom everyone was saying they’d break up soon and it’s been a year. How would I cope if that happened? If they had a kid? Would I patiently wait for it to be revealed that things aren’t as they seem? Would I give up?

What if Harry and Olivia become more serious? What if they date for years and he takes her to events or talks about her? Like, I know, I KNOW he’s never done it before, but I also know that he has never called any of his stunts “my ex girlfriend” before Camille, and he even included her voice in a song... so like, do we REALLY know? He hadn’t held hands with one of his stunts since Taylor, and he’d never taken them as plus ones to anything. He seems to be actively participating a lot more than with Camille. I did my research, they were seen together far less and mostly maintained it by her going to his concerts. Idk it just seems that he was so low key with stunts in the past and instead of taking steps to maybe come out, he’s taking steps to make his relationships look more serious. He “dated” those women for a couple of months tops, now he’s stuck in long “relationships” that have to involve his family and idk it kinda sucks. What’s the guarantee they won’t take it a step further? How would I react if they did?

These things are in my head constantly and I don’t know what to think. What WOULD I do? Would I get fed up and leave the fandom, regardless of what I believed? So many people have done that but I can’t see myself not supporting H&L, they feel like such an important part of my life.

God, I’m sorry for how long this was and how annoying it must be. I guess I just need a little guidance.

Hi sugar. Wow... there’s lots going on here and I don’t think I can actually address everything you’re asking. So, let me start by saying that I don’t have a set “if this happens, I’m out” line in the sand. For me, I imagine I’ll leave when fandom is no longer fun for me, but I don’t think longevity or mutation of the stunts would necessarily be the final straw.

The thing is, for those of us who’ve been here since the band was together, we saw how different Harry and Louis’ attitude was towards their closeting. They actively fought against it. Loudly. Somewhere along the way, after the hiatus, things seem to have shifted a bit. Not that they want to be closeted, but it feels as though they might have a different perspective on it these days.

So, I guess the question could be... do they want to come out anytime soon? And I really don’t know. Louis has barely gotten his solo career off the ground. Harry is doing extremely well with his extremely frustrating fence straddling. Would coming out soon hurt their career goals? I think babygate is an entirely separate issue and regardless of anything else, that just isn’t sustainable. There’s too much that’s shady there for me to ever think he had a baby with her. And I just can’t see the family agreeing to continuously lie to their child for an open ended amount of time now that he’s really old enough to understand. I mean, I guess I shouldn’t put anything past them, but that seems insane.

So if they’re not ready to make that big change, stunts could look different than they used to. Camille staying for a year and Eleanor coming back made it possible for each of them to write an album that included songs about long term love, and allowed them to talk about it during promo with as much honesty as they wanted/were able to share. Not everything has changed for the worse.

When I try to look at the situation from their POV, and assume that they have a bit more power than they did pre-hiatus, I feel less anxious about things. But more than anything, I think what helps is to remember that this is their lives. They know what’s best for them. We might not like it, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re suffering or that you’re wrong about your assumptions about them. If you’re here to support them, then I think all you can do is just support them and remove any time frames and specific expectations. If it gets in the way of your mental health, please take a break. Fandom will still be here. I have good friends who are still ride or die Larries, but they just can’t handle being here right now.

Lastly, it sounds as though asking yourself these “what would I do” questions is a form of future worrying that is actually causing you some real anxiety. There really isn’t a point in wondering how you would react to something that may never happen. It won’t keep it from happening, but it is keeping you from enjoying where you are now.

I know this got long, but I hope there’s something helpful there. 💗

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meowmeowmessi · 4 years ago

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Was Dean really so abusive towards Sam through out the whole series?

I have been seeing some Dean hate a lot 😔 about him being oh so abusive to Sam. I know most of it probably because of season 9 gaslighting. That was so in character for him tho, like he will do anything to prevent Sam from dying. His whole character is protecting Sam, I’m not sayin what he did right in anyway, but I understand... he was desperate. And all the violence was when he was under the influence of the mark. I can’t seem to recalll anytime when he was downright abusive towards Sam. Was he?

Aw nonnie, don't feel down -- there's still plenty of Dean love to go around! *hugs*

Since you brought up s9, I'll start from there! Personally, I agree with you. I know it's a horribly unpopular opinion and Sam stans will crucify me for this one (which is something I find myself saying a lot lately.......), but I wasn't at all shocked or offended by what Dean did in s9. I mean, was it horrible? Yes. Fucked up? Oh yeah, definitely. Probably the most fucked up thing one brother has done to another in the whole show imo. But what were you expecting? It's Dean. Dean NOT stuffing an angel inside Sam to keep him alive and instead letting Death reap his soul would've been ooc as hell??? Jensen said so himself, Sam is the brother who has the strength to live on without Dean, not Dean (not that it means Sam loves him any less, ofc not. Just that they love in different ways). Once again, Dean gaslighting Sam was pretty horrifying, I won't deny it, but spn isn't a sunshine and rainbows kind of show. Sam and Dean's codependency is fucked up, but it's FICTION, so you can't apply your everyday logic to them. Now an argument can be made that the narrative during that arc was pretty skewed by being quite partial to Dean. Having Dean realize what he'd done wrong and apologize would've been nice and restored balance to said narrative, but we didn't get a chance to see that bc Dean went and took on the Mark, and the rest you know pretty well. Honestly? I kind of don't care anymore bc it's clear that after s10 (aka starting from s11) Dean has improved SO MUCH and I think his extra protectiveness of Sam in s11 was partially a result of the guilt Dean might have felt over the whole MoC deal and turning-into-a-demon-and-nearly-killing-Sam business. My humble opinion is that post s10 Dean has had significant growth and trying to hate on him by bringing up shit he did in the previous seasons is pretty juvenile.

For example: I stumbled upon a meta once about what a dick Dean is bc in s15 he tricked Sam into eating bacon by telling him it was actually veggie burger and equating it with the whole Gadreel mess and I was like ?????????? Are y'all high???????? I agree that a person's dietary preferences should be respected without question, but maybe take off your Literature Student Glasses for one goddamn second and try to see the scene for what it is? A big brother joking around and messing with his little brother to cheer him up? It's not that deep dude. Idk what to tell y'all, but siblings do be like that.

The Gadreel thing and the MoC issue aside, another thing bitter Sam stans bring up to paint Dean as "abusive" is the panic room incident of s4. Which is... pretty iffy, ngl. Bc when I was watching s4 I myself hated Dean (and Bobby) for putting Sam in the panic room without even telling him. It was pretty cruel. And while I STILL have gripes about it, I think it's just another example of how the show is fucked up, Sam and Dean's dynamic is fucked up (said with affection), and how Dean treats Sam like his possession. Sam is his. He gets to decide Sam's fate. He will revive Sam, he will (almost) kill Sam, and the authority to make those decisions is his, not Sam's. Bc once again, in Dean's eyes he pretty much owns Sam. After all, he's his little brother. Fucked up, yes, but you're kind of an idiot if you expected anything healthy out of these two.

And there's Dean hitting soulless Sam in s6 when he tells him there's something wrong with him. The thing is, Dean didn't give a shit about soulless Sam. None. Once he realized that Sam's soul was missing he was hell bent on getting it back, and he didn't give a flying fuck about the soulless version of his brother. And soulless Sam knew that. Imo Sam at that point was just an empty shell to Dean and he didn't care about hitting him and hurting him. Bc the one he really cared about was the Sam WITH his soul intact. Dean was positively BEAMING when Sam got his soul back and was acting like his usual empathetic self again and not the cold soulless one. And he was so so careful with him after Death erected the wall in his head. Hell, Dean temporarily died to make that deal with Death. How could you possibly say that Dean doesn't love Sam?

Other minor things that bitter Sam girls/Dean haters use to prove that Dean is "abusive" include: Dean punching Sam in s2 (in the episode where they meet Gordon for the first time. Can't recall the name of the episode rip). Dean was hurt and angry and grieving John, and yeah, maybe that's not any reason to hit Sam, but he's human. He's more prone to violence than Sam is. Doesn't make him abusive. Siblings hit each other all the time, dude. It ain't that big of a deal. And Dean even apologized afterwards. And Sam FORGAVE HIM. Same goes for Dean punching Sam in s7 imo. Anger born of worry and all that.

And lastly, one meta madness I've seen is how Sam flinches whenever Dean has an outburst of anger. Some people use this as proof that Dean (and throw John in the mix too why don't you -_-) abused Sam as a kid and that's why he reacts that way. Which is such utter bullshit lol. Sam has PTSD. He flinches at the sound of closing doors, when he hears sudden footsteps, and just any abrupt noise in general. It has nothing to do with Dean aBuSiNg him as a kid and everything to do with the trauma he suffered throughout his life as a hunter (and then there's the Cage. And the multiple times he's been sexually assaulted. And on and on and on...) (and the reason why Dean doesn't have the same reaction as Sam is bc the symptoms of PTSD are different for everyone, bc rest assured, he too has trauma).

This is just my personal opinion tho! You can think whatever you want, but for me, Sam and Dean's relationship really can't be judged based on our standards of "normal". The things they do to (and for) each other are all part of their codependency. So no, I don't think Dean is abusive to Sam. He's done shit that can be called abusive, sure, but Sam and Dean operate on a moral compass that's completely different from our own, and we have to consider their actions with that in mind.

#asks #also if anyone brings up demon!dean telling sam that it's his fault mary died I'll personally kick their ass #bc dean was a DEMON??? DEMONS LIE???? HE WAS LIT RALLY AIMING TO HURT SAM WITH HIS WORDS?????? BC HES A D E M O N????#DO U REALLY THINK DEAN WINCHESTER WOULD BLAME SAM FOR MARY'S DEATH #DO YOU REALLY #IF SO YOU DON'T KNOW DEAN #anti dean hate #bro I'm lucky I'm not popular otherwise I'd get cancelled so hard by those dean hating sam stans #not that I care bc if you hate dean but claim to love sam you're not a real fan of sam OR the show *shrug*#I'M SLOWLY -- PAINFULLY SLOWLY -- GETTING AROUND TO ANSWERING ASKS #also once again: these are just my opinions and you don't have to agree if you don't want to haha #sorry this is all over the place and rambley orz #ella learn to organize your thoughts challenge #dean winchester #sam and dean

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maerenee930 · 3 years ago

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this is so accurate!! 😂🤦‍♀️😭

also, under the cut is a lot of stuff that has been on my mind lately. i wrote so much and i’m really not expecting anyone to read this or want anyone feel like they have to. it’s basically everything i’ve wanted to write in my journal for a little bit now, but it was easier for me to type out on here. a lot of it has to do with like social anxiety and some things i’ve been feeling insecure about. just a heads up.

oh and i do swear a little. sorry.

all of this is a big rambling mess and i feel like it doesn’t make much sense. and i am very sorry if it doesn’t make much sense. i just know that it’s better to get it all out (even if it doesn’t make much sense), then it is to keep it all in to myself and live in those thoughts and feelings and let it consume me. you know? i’m sure there are a ton of typos and if anyone does read this, i’m sorry for any spelling or grammar errors. also, i’m not sharing this to like make people feel bad for me or anything. i’m not that kind of person. i just needed to get these thoughts and feelings out and again, it was easier for me to get it all out on here/type it on here than it was to write it in my journal. idk why, but i couldn’t bring myself to write it all down.

also, i feel like i should apologize for using this space as like a person journal so much. i feel like i shouldn’t and it’s stupid that i do. and i feel like it annoys people that i do. so i am really sorry if it does annoy anyone. 🖤 i am trying so hard to get myself to write in my actual journal more and i will stop posting on here so much or writing as much as i do sometimes, soon. also, i don’t share on here to make anyone feel like i’m looking for them to like solve my problems or feel like they have to try and make things better for me. it’s just honestly been an easier way for me to get a lot of thoughts and feelings out. like i promise i’m just trying to get all of what’s going on in my head out, and i’m doing this to try and help myself process my thought and feelings. i don’t mean for this to come off as attention seeking or like “oh woe is me. please feel bad for me” and i feel like it is. 🤦‍♀️ i just wanted to do this for myself. so again, i am very sorry if it has bothered or annoyed anyone that i vent and ramble so much on here and i’m sorry if i come off at all as attention seeking, like i’m looking for pity or sympathy, like i’m playing victim, like i’m looking for someone to solve my issues/if i make anyone feel like i’m looking for them to solve my problems. i really will start trying to actually write in my journal and will do my best to not vent and ramble as much on here, in the future.

- lately i’ve been feeling like i’m too much for everyone. i feel like i come off too strong and that i’m overwhelming. i worry pretty much anytime i message someone that i’m bothering them and i’m annoying them. i worry that i come off as clingy and needy. it’s not my intention at all to come off that way at all and i really don’t ever want to be too much for anyone 😣😓 i worry that i’m gonna unintentionally push my friends away and i worry that it could stop me from possibly becoming friends with someone. i honestly don’t understand how i can absolutely, genuinely and truly love who i am and the person i’ve become, and still feel so insecure about this. i can’t tell you how often and how much i struggle with my social anxiety anytime i go to text or dm a friend. i really have to convince myself that it is okay to message them. i have to remind myself a lot that if they can’t talk for a bit or maybe aren’t feeling up to talking, they’ll let me know. or if i am bothering them, they’ll be honest with me. like i know i surround myself with honest and genuine people so i shouldn’t be worried, right…? but also, i really do have to convince myself that i’m not being annoying by messaging them because i really have it in my head that i am. 😓 like they’re my friend and it shouldn’t be a big deal that i wanna message them. yeah? like if they didn’t care for me or like me, they wouldn’t be my friend still. i also worry that because i get so excited to talk with someone, that i am gonna come off as too much and it’s gonna be just so overwhelming for them and i’m gonna scare them off. 😓

i worry that if we get to talking about something for a bit and i get too excited (especially if it’s something that i really like or love or am very passionate about), that i’ll start rambling, talk in circles, over explain myself, get off topic and start talking/rambling about something else, only to after a while, end back where the conversation started and really annoy them. (people have gotten annoyed with me for doing one or quite a few of those things before and that’s why i worry about it so much. is it healthy that i worry so much by literally just being who i am? no. i know it’s not. and is it healthy that i am so scared i’m gonna unintentionally push people away and i punish myself or make myself feel bad for being the way i am? again no, i know it’s not. but after it happening on and off with a few family members or friends i was at one time really close to over the years, i can’t help feeling the way i do.) and i worry i’ll do that if i’m venting to them, like if i’m getting emotional (or over emotional and come off as dramatic), that i’ll just ramble so much (or talk in circles, over explain myself and get off topic for a bit, only to end up back to what we were originally talking about or if i reword everything that has already been said by either person and i’m saying in a different was than it was already said) that i end up writing a novel and i’m gonna annoy them and have them not want to talk to me. 😣 i don’t do any of those things intentionally, btw. i do it because it’s how process things. i don’t understand why my brain works like that, but it does. also, i don’t really like sending multiple short messages. like it makes me super anxious to do that. i feel like getting message after message would be overwhelming and annoying and so i tend to write everything in one long message if i can. like i legit think that if it would make me anxious, there’s a good chance it might make someone else anxious as well or overwhelm them and i don’t want to make anyone feel that way when they’re talking with me.

although, i do realize that me writing novels, rambling, talking in circles, over explaining things or explaining things in a different way that has already been said, or i do get off topic for a bit and then eventually circle back around to the original topic, can be a bit much as well. 😓 again, i don’t do it to overwhelm or annoy anyone, my brain just works in a really weird and specific way. or if i over explain something when it comes to something emotional or venting, i worry that depending on what i’m saying, it’s gonna somehow be taken the wrong way or misinterpreted because over text it’s very easy for that to happen. i really try to make like my tone and intentions as to how i mean things, clear when i’m talking with someone, but i know sometimes things can still be misinterpreted because i ramble so much 😣🤦‍♀️ it sucks that there’s no clear tone indicator in texts, but it also just is what it is because it is a message. and i really am that worried about my tone in messages. i’ve had issues with that in the past with people. (like either my tone isn’t coming off the way i want to, or their tone comes off much harsher than they maybe meant for it to.) i mean, i suppose i could just call that person or send like a voice message so then i don’t have to worry about my tone (or writing a novel and possibly annoying them), but then my anxiety makes me worry that it’ll somehow be just as, if not more annoying and i just don’t wanna risk having any unnecessary issues with anyone. and i realize if i’m talking about something we’ve already discussed a few times like if i’m having the same trouble or issues with something quite a few times, that it gets old. i really do get it! i get that it just comes off as me not wanting to solve my issues or actually work to change them. i do want to change them or work on whatever that may be and i will do it, but for some stupid reason and because my brain is the way it is, i really do need to talk about it quite a bit to not only get those thoughts and feelings out of my system, but to also help me process the situation and my feelings. i realize that doesn’t make much sense, but i swear it’s true. i feel like talking about quite a few times, actually helps me process it and it kinda gives me the push to take care of what i need to or to get it out of my head or my system. also, if i do vent about something multiple times to someone and it seems like i’m just trying to whine, that i don’t care about trying to or want to change anything, that i’m just looking for pity/someone to coddle me, that i don’t actually want to help myself so i can keep complaining and venting about it or like i’m expecting someone else to fix things for me, that is not the case. seriously, i promise you, that it is honestly not the case at all and that is not who i am. i do really and genuinely care about myself and will take care of what i need to in time.

i do not ever expect anyone to fix my problems for me. i realize and know that i’m the only one who can make things better for myself. but i would like to say that when i vent multiple times and it seems like i’m not actually going to do what i need to, i promise you i will get there. as immature and maybe childish as this is going to sound, i will do things when i’m ready. not when everyone tells me to or makes me feel like i have to. but when i feel i am ready. my anxiety seriously gets so bad that if i feel pressured to change something for myself and/or i’m not ready to take that step (or those steps) to change or do whatever i need to, i will push and push any thought of actually doing it and i just won’t do it. it’s like my brain says “mmmm… nope. no. no, i’m not gonna do that. no. i’m not ready, that doesn’t sound good. i can’t do that. i don’t want to do that. i can’t do it. not yet. just thinking about it feels so overwhelming and just, no.” yes, i am that stubborn. 🙃

i realize i have a lot of work to do when it comes to that anxiety and i still have a lot of growing to do just in general and i know that only i can change things for myself so i don’t worry as much, but i just don’t know if people realize how much i already beat myself up for being like this and for worrying so much. apologies for sounding dramatic, i don’t mean to. it’s just really exhausting fighting with my brain and emotions that much. and trying to be that self aware almost all the time, especially when it comes to messaging people or how i respond to things, is pretty draining mentally and emotionally. (and then it drains me physically cause my anxiety messes with me physically, so easily and quickly.)

like anytime i possibly misinterpret what someone says or their tone, (because of my own insecurities and issues i’ve had with friends and family members in the past. not just over text but in person as well, tbh) my default reaction, is to assume i’m overreacting. that i’m being overly sensitive and i’m in the wrong. even if my gut is telling me i’m not, my anxiety will overpower it and convince me that i am in the wrong, that i am being overly sensitive and whatever has happened because there is now an issue, must be my fault. like, i took what they said the wrong way. i misunderstood what they meant. they didn’t mean to come off so harsh and i need to not be so damn sensitive or over emotional.

i hate that i’ve fallen back into that. i don’t deserve to invalidate my own feelings right away and put all the blame on myself, when i possibly have an issue with someone. 😞 i feel like me being so sensitive (or overly sensitive) and emotional (or over emotional) will push people away. and that’s because in the past when i have lost friends or when there have been issues with friends/family members, my sensitivity and being so emotional puts a strain on our relationship. or depending on the situation, i get made to feel like i’m the only person who has done something wrong because i’m being so sensitive. (even though there is honestly a fair chance that i already did own up to my contributions to the issues, i promise you, i really, really try to be aware of my actions and how they affect things. i don’t want to come off as like i’m putting blame on the other person because i understand that i do play a part in how things go in my relationships. and i do own up to what i do. i don’t pretend i’m all innocent and i don’t play victim. that’s just not who i am. it just isn’t.) and i feel like i’m just an over emotional baby and it’s hard for people to be friends with me because of it.

also to back track for a moment, i wanna say that i am genuinely very sorry if it does bother anyone that i ramble, talk in circles, over explain something or repeat what has already been said but just in a different way, because i honestly do realize that it can be annoying and it does gets old after a while. i really do try my best to be aware and of how i act/what i do and how it makes people feel. if that makes sense? if that is something that bothers you, i hope we would be able to talk about it and find some middle ground to where we can work things out in a way that is fair for both of us and both of our thoughts and feelings are being heard and respected. also, i’m not saying me being self aware just makes what i do okay. like i’m not trying to say that because i’m self aware, that means i really haven’t done anything wrong. i just means that i am aware of how it could possibly make people feel and it not like i’m so wrapped up in myself that i don’t notice that i’m doing something that could come off as annoying. and i’m sorry if how i act or how i am bothers you or frustrates you. your feelings are valid and i want you to know that it is not my intention at all to make you feel that way. i promise 💙

i do want to say that i really appreciate people who are patient with me when i do ramble, talk in circles or over explain myself, get off topic only to get back to what we were originally talking about quite sometime later or if i repeat what’s already been said but just in a different way. thank you for not making me feel bad for doing it. 💙 i’ve had quite a few people in my life make me feel really bad about it and i gotta be honest, doing that doesn’t make me stop it. it just doesn’t. it makes me feel shitty about myself and honestly, it makes me want to pull away. i start to feel that if it happens again or i get it in my head that it will happen again, that it will annoy that person again/even more, so i should just leave them alone. not only to avoid upsetting them, to avoid having an unnecessary issue with them but to also avoid feeling/getting hurt by how they’re feeling or how they respond to me because i am so sensitive (or overly sensitive). you know? (i realize trying to not have any issues or conflict with anyone is not realistic, but i think we’ve all been in a situation at one point or another where the issues you’re having are just really unnecessary and it shouldn’t be a thing. you know? but yeah, i realize i can’t like avoid conflict or control things so there are no issues ever. i just want to make sure that we don’t have any like stupid, small, petty or unnecessarily stressful issues if we can avoid it.) so thank you again to the people who are patient with me 💙 i understand it’s not always easy to stay patient with me, but i do genuinely appreciate you being so understanding and for knowing that this is how my brain processes things. and i’m very thankful for those people who don’t make me feel bad for it and i very genuinely appreciate them. 🖤

also, i’m not saying it can’t bother people, because it’s not my place to ever tell anyone how they can or cannot feel. i just wish i didn’t have to/make myself feel like i have to worry so much because i have been treated that way quite a few times by quite a few people i’ve been very close to and it really sucks! and it gets so old and frustrating for me to always be in that mindset of anxiety and self doubt. you know? like i do worry so much and so often because they made me feel so bad for doing it and for how my brain works. like it’s apart of who i am. i can’t help that that’s how i process things. i can’t just change my brain to process things differently because it annoys or frustrates someone. i don’t mean to sound like a dick but it’s true. i just wish people wouldn’t make me feel bad about it and i wish i wouldn’t let it bother me so much that people do get frustrated with me for how i process things. especially if this is something i’ve talked about with someone and i’ve expressed multiple times to them how truly hurt i’ve been in the past by some people who were very close to me.

on a separate note-

is it weird to say that i also wouldn’t wanna change the way i am or how i process things? like yes, i worry waaaaaay too much about annoying people be being who i am, being too much for them or coming off as clingy/needy/too much, but i’ve actually learned to look at those things differently and i really love those things about myself because it does make me who i am. like i really do love the person i’ve become. i know i still have a lot of growing and changing to do and that i will always being growing and changing, but right now, i’m really happy with who i am. i love that i try to be a very considerate and understanding person. i love that i really try to be self aware and make sure that i know the part/role i play in situations and that i own up to it. i love that i care so much about making sure the people i’m talking with or am friends with are comfortable and that their thoughts and feelings are being truly heard and respected. i love that i want balance and i want an equal give and take with the people in my life. i love that i have a big and loving heart and that i was raised to be a strong and compassionate person 💙

i know i am extremely far from perfect and i have a lot of flaws, but i do love who i am. and i’m frustrated that i feel like because those things i mentioned (quite a few times) have been an such issue with people in the past, that it makes me feel so insecure. i’m just tired of overthinking all the time about who i am and if i will scare people away for being who i am. i’m tired of feeling like i need to change myself to keep people in my life. i don’t want to go back to being the extreme people pleaser i was. (i’m still working on that. i know i still have those tendencies lol. but it’s a work in progress and i’ve honestly come a long way from the person i was 3 years ago) i just want to keep finding people who accept me and love me for who i am, who won’t make me feel bad for being who i am, who won’t make me feel bad for how my brain works or how emotional/sensitive i can be, who won’t take anything i’ve told them and almost throw it back in my face. that’s just a dick move.

like if i’ve done something a few times and i tell you it’s something i struggle with and you get frustrated with me for one reason or another because i’m venting to you about it again and that thing i struggle with plays a part in the situation still/is why i’m struggling, please don’t throw it back in my face. chances are, i am very well aware that that is the problem and i know i need to fix that. i know that if i keep doing that, that that is what’s going to stop things from getting better for myself/nothing will get better. i know if i keep repeating that mistake, it’s just going to continue to make things difficult for me. and i know that if i don’t change that behavior, i’m going to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again and it’s going to come off as i don’t want to help myself at all/get better/make things better or easier for myself. i really don’t need anyone throwing that in my face and making me feel like i’m someone who doesn’t want to help myself. (again, i’ve this has been an issue on and off with people in my life/in the past) i do want to help myself and i will. it’s gonna take me time but i will get there and i will get better at not repeating that mistake so much. i just haven’t found a good balance of letting myself feel how i need to and not let myself get consumed in whatever is going on/what i’m feeling. and because i haven’t, i tend to go overboard in one area or the other and it just makes things more difficult for myself and i tend to repeat the same mistakes when it comes to taking care of myself/what i need to do for myself over and over again.

i know i need to work on it and i am. i really am m trying to take small steps to get better at that. it’s just gonna take some time to actually see progress. so i really need the people in my life to be patient with me. i’m not saying like you haven’t to just always be okay with things, just please try and consider how you’re gonna approach things with me and when you do talk to me about it, please try and do it in a way that is actually going to be constructive and not aggressive or hash. also, i know people also have their own stuff going on too and my issues struggles aren’t more important than anyone else’s. if someone is also struggling or doesn’t feel they are in a place to be able to be there for me the way i’m asking them to because they’re also going through it at the time being, i really hope everyone knows they can tell me. i promise i will understand and i will do my best to be there for them in anyway i can, if they would like me to be there for them. i value my friend’s feelings and am not trying to sound like what i’m going through is more important or more difficult than what anyone else is going through.

i’m not really sure how i wanted to end this. i feel like i said almost everything i wanted to. i really do try to be objective and see things for their point of view and acknowledge that i am aware of the things i need to change or the things that may bother people/how people may feel. i hope it shows. i’m so sorry i wrote so much 😣🤦‍♀️😓 i just feel like i’ve been able to talk to maybe like 2 people about most of this and haven’t wanted to bother anyone else with any of it. (mostly cause i feel like it’s just waaay too much to put on anyone else and i didn’t really feel like i could articulate it properly or in a way that really would make sense for the most part. even though i feel like i didn’t do a ver good job of that on all of this 🤦‍♀️) but i’m glad i got it out.

#venting/rambling #heads up i talk about anxiety #i legit like wrote a novel again…🤦‍♀️#i didn’t mean to lol #i might delete this in a bit

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whatifyoulivelikethat · 3 years ago

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warnings: extremely negative feelings towards a sibling, distressing / intrusive thoughts. placed under a break due to the content of the message. remember, I'm not a mental health professional.

updated with additional viewpoints from readers at the bottom!

I'm sorry in advance.

I really hate my older sister. She never respects my boundaries, insults me frequently, and is just annoying and hypocritical in general.

I've always had these issues with her, but she lived at her own apartment away from me and the rest of my family, so I've been able to control my hatred of her. But last year in March she moved back in and sold her apartment. She has no plans of leaving anytime soon, and I can't stand her.

We shared a bedroom for about a year because we were also taking care of my cousin who also moved in with us last year. My cousin has since moved out, but my sister is unfortunately here to stay for a couple of years. But with extra space, I was able to move into the spare bedroom and thought that would be the end of my problems.

It wasn't. In fact, she has become even more unbearable. The hardest part of this relationship is that she has a weird obsession with being with me. I'm not sure if this is because she loves me, or she's just weird. I think she's weird because my parents never act like she does.

Our bedrooms are right next to each other. There's really no reason for her to miss me. But every single fucking minute she's coming into my room to bother me. I would have more empathy for her if she acknowledged my limits, but she doesn't.

She's constantly cuddling me after I've said for MONTHS that I don't enjoy it and it makes me uncomfortable. She constantly belittles me by saying I couldn't live without her, and that I would be a mess if it wasn't for her (mind you, I've lived without her at the house for YEARS and I was perfectly fine). She's constantly in my business, interrogating me about every little thing. She once locked the door and wouldn't let me leave the room without answering her questions for 20 minutes; she asked me about a $30 Amazon order containing manga I ordered with MY OWN MONEY. And I had permission for my parents to order it! It wasn't her business whatsoever.

I've tried to keep her out numerous times; I've gotten in trouble for it. My parents say I'm being mean and that this is her way of loving me. What I feel like they ignore is that I'M UNCOMFORTABLE. Her way of "loving me" HURTS.

I've tried communication. I've had multiple meetings with my family about my boundaries and they say they'll change, but they never do.

Another factor that worsens this is that I have borderline personality disorder. I'm currently being denied therapy or intervention of any kind. I get told my mental illness is a result of me having an attitude and hating my family.

I writing this to you because I've been having very alarming thoughts recently. I'm been somewhat suicidal as long as I can remember, but this is different. I've been having nightmares about killing my family/my family killing me. I don't want to kill my family. As much as they have abused me, I know they truly love me deep down. But when I'm in a mental breakdown, I don't think for the most part. I'm afraid I'm going to do something to hurt them if they continue to push me. I'm too scared to turn myself into the police and I don't want to be taken away from my home. I truly need therapy, but it's expensive and I'm not allowed to get it.

Are there any options left for me? I love my family and I want to get better, but I can't stand them. It'll be a while before I can live on my own, and I don't think I'll make it that long.

I'm so sorry.

I appreciate that you came to me, however, please remember I am not a mental health professional.

I do not have the best relationship with my family. I've come to accept that they just exist and I moved away from them. I keep a strict level of familiarity with them for my own sanity and well-being. There are people in my immediate family I don't talk to anymore or only speak to in certain situations, with other people around to buffer my emotions. No one in my family understands or respects my mental health issues and I have ceased talking about it with them.

I will admit, I had to ask for help. I'm going to share the answer of someone I trust, because they are much more level-headed when it comes to something like this.

Use different words with your sister. Instead of "I'm mad or annoyed", use words that bring out more empathy - "You're making me sad and uncomfortable. You're hurting me." Anger is usually perceived as something within you, something you must control. But sadness is usually not perceived in the same light. People usually see sadness as something that has a cause and perhaps letting her know that she is the cause will have an effect on her. Using different words when speaking to her may slowly change her perspective.

When it comes to your parents, well, parents do not usually understand sibling dynamics. They're fucking useless most of the time when it comes to problems specifically between siblings. It might be better if you say something like, "Her constant intrusions are affecting my school work. My grades are going to drop." Usually, parents respond more urgently if you say you education is affected - and it doesn't matter if it's true or not, we're just trying to get them to help in some way.

I had to remind them it's summertime lol

Oh shit, you're right. Er. Well, In any case, it seems you've tried having reasonable discussions with your parents and it doesn't seem helpful to continue discussing this particular topic with them. Maybe get into fitness since it's summertime. Go outside, do something active. She can't cuddle you if you're running, right? Then you can also be stronger and feeling better physically improves mental health. Put some music on, go hiking or running, take yourself out of the situation.

I don't know if this is possible, but perhaps if you're experiencing a mental breakdown and you're afraid of hurting your family, run out of the house? It might be better to be physically away from them at that time to avoid saying or doing anything you regret. It may help clear your head and help your family realize that this is something that is truly debilitating to you.

I don't know your age, so I don't know if the school thing is relevant. It's only a suggestion.

You said it will be a while before you can live on your own. When I knew the cons of living with my family outweighed the pros, I did everything in my power to prepare myself for leaving because I needed a goal in order to survive. I needed distractions, reading, writing, gaming, music, anything else to occupy my mind and help control my thoughts. There was a time when I needed music to fall asleep (headphones in on low volume).

Also... uh.

I'm not saying you should do this. I'm only saying I did.

My siblings and I have physically fought before. One has scars from fighting me. The scarred one is the one closest to me currently.

Not saying you should do it.

But I did.

If anyone feels comfortable enough to share how they dealt with it in their own situation, please do. Maybe more perspectives can help this person.

some other experiences sent to me:

anon #1

I don't think I had a situation that extreme but my brother was a little like that. I honestly had to become kinda rude and indifferent. Like he'd always use my laptop and stuff and I put passwords on everything and just don't tell him. And then when he tried to hug or cuddle id say I don't liek it and just push him away physically now this soudns fucking obvious when I say it this way but like I don't think I read that u tried it ? Idk I discovered I have a loud annoying scream that neighbours will hear, and fucking strokg legs I used to kick him away but like I was tiny so I don't really endorse violence but I didnt like being close to a 'boy' essentially at taht age so yea... Idk man siblings are weird and I have had intrusive thoughts so I think I didn't handle it well but for a few years I became an asshole to him and then now I'm good with talking sometimes and I keep it short and sweet and I've mentioned that I'm sorry for being mean in the past bcuz like I am ? Bcuz I'm not an asshole ? ( But like I did what I had to do ) I hope u get the help and support u need

anon #2

I read the message from the previous anon and I have to say I relate to what they say. I wouldn’t say i’ve completely dealt with the situation when it comes to my parents.

I have 4 siblings and i’m the oldest, my sister that’s 2 years younger than me always gets in my way and is a tyrant. Because she’s much taller than me she overpowers me and i also have scars from when we’ve fought. My parents don’t intervene because they say we’ll make up soon and I honestly can’t stay mad at people for long. I also live with my parents and am not able to move out anytime soon until I get my degree.

A few weeks ago my mother was complaining to my father that I don’t help around the house and all that bullshit but it’s obviously not true. Anyway. My father came into my room and threw all my clothes from my cupboards on the floor and said my sister and I must get out of his house. He was literally pulling us and we were crying because where the hell would we go. My smaller siblings were begging for him not to chase us out of the house but he was ballistic. He was constantly throwing insults at me, calling me selfish and disrespectful. I was having a mental breakdown and I said i hope that God takes my life away because i’m too weak to do it myself. I kept saying that and when my parents heard me. They called me crazy and were laughing at me and said i should take it back because instead of me another one of my family members would go.

My parents don’t care about mental health and therapy. It’s all unnecessary to them. But after that night I tried to find my own way of getting rid of the negative thoughts, I choose to ignore what everyone tells me. I agree with everything that you said about trying to get away from their family when they have those thoughts. I try meditation and praying. I’m not sure if that person follows any religion but that’s what helped me. And writing can be cathartic. Also remember that you’re not alone, there are so many people out there who share your sorrows and can relate to your situation. I think about my little siblings who i’m close to and what it would be like if i wasn’t there.

Maybe if they could get a pet? I know having a pet can make you feel less alone and you feel a sense of responsibility towards them. As for their sister, she needs to see their point of view and tell her that she makes her feel overwhelmed with the things she does. She can spend time with her and try to make her understand that they need their space too.

anon #3

I also have sum advice 4 the sibling anon frm a fellow bpd buddy:

Does ur view of ur sister change from "i hate her" to "she's alright" sometimes? Viewing sum1 as all bad or all good is common in bpd ppl and usually changes alot. I rec writing down the moments where she shows she loves u. This could be thru buying smth for u or doing smth 4 u. I had a similar relationship w a friend and this exercise helped me remember that she might not have intentions to hurt me and might b trying 2 bond. Repairing the relationship might take a while. Talk alot if u can, it seems like ur family is at least willing to hear u out, even if there behavior doesn't change much. Keep sum distance if needed. Working out and finding fun hobbies is good.

If u feel like ur breaking down, try breathing exercises n identify 5 things u notice thru ur senses. What do u feel? What do u smell? What do u taste? What do u see? What do u hear? I personally like taking myself down rabbit holes. For example: I see a yellow jacket > this shade of yellow is a cool tone > what makes a color "cool" or "warm" > why do we associate red with warmth > what if the sun was blue > what if ocean water looked orange > is water wet

I usually end up forgetting what was making me upset. If it was a big deal I would still remember, but at least I would b less emotional and a bit more rational.

Search up cognitive behavior therapy and dialectical behavior therapy and try 2 practice sumthing similar 2 exercises u would perform w a therapist. Squeeze stress balls. Masturbate (this blog is perfect 4 that lol). Maybe watch some videos done by therapists on youtube. I watched a couple of videos abt therapists reacting 2 fighting in movies and I learned alot (this video was very fun to watch)!

Anyway that's what helps me! Good luck 2 u!!!

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atiny-ahgase · 4 years ago

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A message to my Moots

Hey all, I originally wasn’t gonna do this cause I honestly didn't even know where to begin (I still don't tbh) but I said that I’ll still give it a try cause I wanted to tell you all my feelings before the new year rolls around (for me at least lol). So let’s get too it.

Firstly thank you to every single person that follows me, or has read any of my fics or liked any of my edits or even just interacted with me in any form. Thank you for the immense love and support that I’ve received on this site, honestly I didn't expect to make any friends here and the fact that I was able to meet and befriend so many amazing people. So I just wanna say thank you so much for being a part of my life. I’ve always put up walls and I’m really bad at getting close to others but Tumblr was the first site that I’ve really felt comfortable enough to be the real me. So thank you for that.

Now on to the Mentions

I had no idea how to start this so I decided to start at the beginning.

@mingishoe -Luna, you were the reason that I joined Tumblr in the first place, your fics brought me here and your interactions with other blogs opened up so many doors for me and helped me to interact and befriend so many amazing people. You were the first person that I ever sent an ask to, you made me feel so comfortable and welcome so thank you for that. Thank you for being you, a literal moon; bright and beautiful always lighting up the way. I honestly don't think that I would ever be able to explain how much I love, admire and look up to you, I honestly can’t find the words. Honestly, just thank you for being there for your little anon (Idk if you know which anon I am though lol)

@vocalyunho -Ames!!!!! The 2nd person that I followed! an absolute angel. You are such a calm soul and I just love your vibe and energy so much. I think that I’ve said this a million times but you just make me feel so safe and secure, you have such a calm and capable aura that is just so soothing to me. Thank you for coming into my life and being the amazing person that you are.

@jonghoshoe -ZAD!!! Baby Brother! My Teddy Bear! My Sunflower!! Where do I even begin?!? You were basically my first friend on Tumblr (and I am even more grateful to Luna cause I found you through her). IDK what it was about you but you had such an amazing out look on life while still being chaotic in the best way possible. I would wake up every morning and look out for your posts cause you would always make me smile. Without even knowing it you became a big part of my life and I am so grateful for that. You were my motivation when I was feeling down, you encouraged me to see the good things in the word, you hyped me up to write fics; honestly you are part of why I am the Gabby that I am today and I cant thank you enough for that, I love and admire you so much.

Next on my list is my little bunny @lustjoong -PK PK PK, my knee loving queen!!!! IDEK what to say cause I feel as though I confess my love to you at least twice a week on discord lol. I love talking with you, you're incredibly level headed and give amazing advice (which I always need cause I’m a mess lol). I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again that I admire you so much and would of never imagined that I would of ever gotten the chance to talk to you (much less be able to call you my friend) cause in my mind I always saw you as this amazing and untouchable writer (but then I realized that I’m taller than you so... lol I’m kidding). I’m happy that you found out that I was messaging you on anon and thank you for reaching out to me. I look forward to more chaotic conversations and knee pics in the new year.

@atiny-piratequeen -FIE I FREAKING LOVE YOU SO MUCH THAT I MIGHT EXPLODE!! You fill me with so much life that I cant even begin to explain. I’ve said this a million times before but I love how you aren't afraid to speak you mind and say how you feel. You're such a strong figure to me here on the platform and I've always admired how natural and bold you are with your opinions. I find your personality to be extremely refreshing and welcoming, I was never afraid to interact with you (I combusted when you sent me an ask but that’s only natural..) so thank you for providing me (and a lot of other Atiny) with a safe and welcoming place that we can come to.

@twancingyunhoe -Allyssa!!! My mom!!!! My cookie baking, Yunho loving, cat mom!! where do I even begin?? Thank you for being an absolute angel! You shine so brightly here and you're always so supportive to literally everyone. I am and always will be there for you no matter what so I want you to remember that in the coming year. and remember that I love you in your highs and your lows and I am available to provide cuddles anytime they are needed or wanted cause you are precious to me ok luv.

@felixs-moonlight -my little duckling AJ!!! I’m wishing you the best in the new year cause that's what best bois deserve! You are so incredibly sweet and caring so don't you ever forget. Even if you do forget don't worry cause I will always be there to remind you.

@seoultraveller -Cat. Your presence makes me so happy!! IDEK what it is I just love seeing you on my dashboard, when I don't see you I wonder how you are. I hope that this new years is treating you well. Also, you are NOT boring and lets talk a lot more in the coming year okay luv

@yunhozone -Jey!! I miss you, I hope that you're well, its been raining lately so I hope that you're staying dry and safe. I love your boldness and sense of humor so please don't ever change. i started following you on a whim and I have never regretted following you ever since. You make me smile and laugh so much and I hope that I can do the same for you in the coming years. Stay safe okay luv

@pirate-hongjoong -Kayla, lets both talk more in the coming year ok luv. I pretty much told you everything that I wanted to on your post so I’ll try to keep this short. I think that you're really sweet and we should get to know each other more, I’ll try to reach out some more and be a little less shy. so lets continue to grow our friendship okay.

@taelepathysroom -You were the first friend that I made on Tumblr all on my own (meaning that I didn't see you interacting with a moot or anything, I found you all by myself) to this day I don't remember how I mustered up the bravery to message you. I remember wanting to message you on anon and realizing that you had anon off and I STILL went for it lol, apparently I was wilding. But that was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, I love talking with you and receiving all of your extremely important messages and I look forward to many more (my heart is not ready but it is fine).

@moongaera -Gaera you are such a great motivation to me and I’m so happy to be a part of your life. You are so sweet and incredibly talented. I love seeing you on my dashboard and talking with you cause you honestly make my heart want to explode.

@yungidreamer - Big sister!!!! Kelsi!!! My aesthetic queen who I am convince is tryna kill me on our discord chat you are so kind and helpful and give such great tips. You are such a calm soul and I love interacting with you (especially when things feel crazy) its like you just magically know the answer to everything.

@yunhoiseyecandy -Violet, we don't really talk much but I think that you're really cool and fun so lets talk lots in 2021 ok. Also IDK why I felt like this was the perfect place to post this but you're the only moot whos emoji pops up when I start to type their name in the hashtags and I always thought that its really cute. (You're also really cute). I think that we would be really good friends so I cant wait to talk with you more.

@hwaberrykiwi -CAM CAM CAM CAM CAM!!!!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!! You are so fun to talk to and so sweet and so calming and you make my heart feel like its bursting (in the best way possible). I hope that you're well and I look forward to sharing more moments here with you on Tumblr (and I am still keeping my promise of not eating Lemon Bars if they aren't from you so...)

@atinywrites -Angel!!! My precious, little angel who always attacks my poor little heart. I love your messages and how you just pop up randomly and shower me with love (then I read your posts and you're just straight up roasting people JBJDJFILJFISREHF) I love absolutely everything about you and I’m really happy that we met each other, I cant wait to see what 2021 has in store for us.

@choisans-dimples -Cass my dearest little Sugar Plum, apart from you being absolutely precious you are also extremely previous to me. I remember our first interactions and they still bring a smile to my face (we were like Tom and Jerry and honestly in a way we still are lol). But you mean so much to me and you never fail to make me laugh or smile no matter what is going on in my life. I wish for you to never lose that smile in 2021 and if it ever begins to falter just know that I’m here ok luv

@latte-fairytaekwoon -Latte, I’m not gonna lie; when Mei started adopting family members I felt like my brain was gonna explode but I gotta hand it to her cause she has great taste in family cause she chose you. If it wasn't for her then I probably would of never found you. if that happened then who would spoil me rotten?!? I am so happy to have met you I honestly thrive every time I see you on my dashboard, you are absolutely hilarious and I love to see your interactions. I cant wait to see what you do in 2021 and all of the other years to come. Thanks for being a great Tumblr Mom

@little-precious-baby -Mei, where do I begin?? You came out of no where for me, you just sort of appeared and then in the blink of an eye you became so dear to me. Id just find myself looking out for your posts and wondering how you are. IDK how to explain it but you've somehow managed to bring so many amazing individuals together in such a short time, you're absolutely amazing and I hope that one day you'll be able to see yourself the way that we already see you. Ik that things can be hard (and they will be because that’s life) but just know that this family that you helped to bring together is always here for you when you need someone to confide in and when it feels like its too much and you need a break we’ll be right here waiting for you until you come back. Just remember that your big sis loves you ok my little bean.

@ateez-little-star -JAS!!!!!! My babie sister IDK how to write this without crying cause you make me so happy that idek what to do. You are so bold and brave while still being shy and cute, I cant explain it. You are so wholesome to talk to and so fun and interesting and sweet and loveable! Like how could someone not love you!! Thank you for always checking up on me and showering me with love and just making me smile.

@yunhofingers -My sweet little bean who definitely never behaves badly!! I am sending you all of the positive vibes for the new year. Ik that things wont always be easy but just know that I’m always here and I believe in you. You are so sweet and kind and bold and I love that about you, don't ever change and thank you so much for making me smile; I hope that I can do the same for you in 2021 and beyond cause I hope that we can be friends for a really long time.

I also wanted to include the moots that I do interact with but I also want to talk to even more in the coming year. Thank you for being here for both me and other people in the kpop community. I love your blogs and you all are so incredibly kind (and ridiculously entertaining; I’m looking at you Caly and Vivi lol), I hope that we can become even better friends.

@hanatiny @sansbun @hongism @multidreams-and-desires @smallfrye @aixy-hpsa @galaxteez @jongpleasure @simphwa @inkigayeo @heeseungluvs

#my precious moots #Gabby rambles #happy new year my luvs #I hope that I didn't forget anyone #I am not the bestest at words #I am also a little tipsy so...excuse my english #I hope that my true feeling were able to reach you all #please stay safe in the coming year #sending you all og my love and support

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undyingsunshine · 4 years ago

Note

YESSSSS YOU’RE BACK AND TAKING ASKS

14 and 15 for the most recent post, and I’m gonna come back with more too

Here we go!!!!

14. At what point in writing do you come up with a title?

Honestly, it usually differs from piece to piece! Usually, though, the title comes last! (Though I do have a short list of potential titles for Li Cu fics stored away, most of which are just lyrics from songs xD Whether I end up using them or not, only time will tell!)

15. Which is harder: titles or summaries (or tags)?

All of these tend to give me a bit of trouble xD if I was to rank from hardest to easiest however, I think I'd say titles are the hardest and tags tend to be the easiest. For summaries I usually just slap a portion of the fic in and then add a small almost-summary below it, mostly because I feel like giving a sample of the fic will be more effective than trying to give a succinct description? Kind of shows you what you're getting into before you've even clicked xD

Titles, I use a lot of lyrics from songs, especially ones that I think fit with the character. Though, this does sometimes mean my titles are... long and it can make it a little awkward when trying to talk about the fics themselves. xD

Examples include;

"Come with me, I promise the water is fine..." Which is a lyric from God Bless Eric Taylor by Marietta, a song that I relate to Li Cu somewhat.

This next one is the title of a chapter instead of a whole fic, but I'll count it anyway xD Chapter 2 of I'm Here is titled: "I have this dream that I'm hitting my dad with a baseball bat and he is screaming and crying for help..." which is from the song Father by The Front Bottoms.

I ideally try to make it so that the lyrics also match up with the contents of the chapter/fic. I'm Here's second chapter is all about Li Cu's nightmares, so I thought the title would be pretty fitting xD Honestly, thinking back maybe I could've added more types of dreams.... Ones that fit that title even more.... Small rewrite of that Chapter perhaps? I don't think it would be that different, but still... Would add more angst onto everything xD

The title for "Come with me..." Also sort of relates to the contents of the fic, but moreso in the following line that appears in the summary: "I need something else to comvince me I won't die."

Honestly these lines could have me ranting a whole lot, especially in relation to Li Cu. Just makes me think of all his conflicted feelings, and how he must feel when he drags his friends into the mess he didn't even make. (And these feeling really would increase after Su Wan blames him for the snake bite and getting Shen Qiong inveolved, and during just... the entirety of the time he, Yang Hao, Su Wan and Liang Wan are in the desert together. (ESPECIALLY when Yang Hao is being absolutely mistreated by the 9 families, like sheesh.)

It's just a whole lot of guilt, but also maybe some stubborn determination? Li Cu is very adamant on living just to spit in the face of everyone around him. Existing out of pure spite, but with friends involved, it's more like he's existing to fulfil a purpose? One that he feels like he's bestowed upon himself. Not Wu Xie, or Rishan, or anyone. Just him. He stays alive so he can protect his friends. He'll keep them safe, he'll get them home alive. He has to. And he knows that he will. Or else, what is he even persevering for? "I need something to convince me I won't die." In the fic, this could also be referring to Wu Xie, as he kind of marks safety by the end of the drama. Wu Xie being there means it's okay. It means he doesn't have to fight anymore. And in the fic, it also means that Li Cu can let go. Of Everything. Permanently. (I have so many branching ideas based on that 300 word demon of a fic, you wouldn't even believe)

ANYWAY I'LL STOP RANTING ABT THAT FIC MAYBE I'LL TALK ABOUT THAT FIC MORE IN DEPTH SOME OTHER TIME IF PPL WANT IT.

As for tags, I struggle mostly because I never know what's okay to tag? I'm afraid of tagging a fic with something if the content of that particular tag doesn't show up all that much in the fic? Unless it's something that's a potnential trigger, and then I'll tag it, even if it's small. Just ot be safe. But like. Characters, I don't tag unless they're actually there and present and doing something. If they're mentioned, I tend to not tag them since it's not all that crucial? For people to know they show up for a second? Idk, I like to be as succinct and precise as possible with my tags, because I know how annoying it is for tags to be clogged or for fics to have too many tags xD

4. Share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

I have a few, surprisingly! I'll choose two, both from the second chapter of I'm Here!

"Each one makes him wake up, terrified and shaky and wanting to hide or just outright stop existing; to become intangible, untouchable, safe. Of course, he can't actually do that, so instead he pushes the fear down and suffocates it before burying it in the backyard of his mind in the hopes it'll never be dug up again."

Something I try and do while writing is find ways to explain how I. Just. Experience life? (This is also present in Chapter 1 with the line "Further frustration gathered in his chest, making it tighten with stress before it shot up into his throat". Just little things that I've never really seen in words before? That I feel but never know how to accurately describe.) There's always the whole "let the void swallow me/him/her/them whole" thing in media that I love because, honestly, mood. But I guess for this I just wanted to word it differently? In the way I felt was most accurate to myself. Just to be in a state of which nothing can get you, be it life or that one imaginary demon that you sometimes think is lurking around the house at the convenient time of 3 AM, Y'know? When real life becomes TOO real and you just want to blip out for a second, just pause everything and have a moment to be free of everything xD

I also just kind of like the metaphor(?) with his fear. Trust Li Cu to not only associate feelings with violence, but also treat his feelings violently xD I feel like I'm not the best when it comes to imagery and creative expression, especially through words. I point out the obvious, the facts, a lot, both when speaking normally and in writing, and it takes a bit of time for me to remember that I'm writing a story and not jotting a list of events xD So anytime I actually come up with something more kind of creatively written, I feel particularly happy with myself.

"He can't even fully comprehend what's been going on - everything feels bizarre and just out of reach, moreso than usual - but what he does know is that Wu Xie is here and he's angry. The man stands above Li Cu, his cold calculating eyes burning him with wordless accusations that, despite their ambiguity, feel justified. There's guilt, desperation and denial crashing inside him like waves assaulting a rickety raft on a stormy sea. What these feelings are for, he doesn't know. It makes him want to plead for forgiveness all the same."

Let's be honest, Li Cu probably has way too many mixed feelings on Wu Xie. The man who simultaneously built him up and destroyed him. The man who caused him agony, but is also probably one of the best things to come into Li Cu's life??? Like damn, I think I'd be pretty conflicted if I was Li Cu. And things only get worse when, in this fic's timeline, Wu Xie essentially ghosts Li Cu out of guilt for what he did to the kid. This is taken wrong by Li Cu, and he ends up feeling abandoned. By his own kidnapper. I just feel like this snippet is pretty okay at capturing all the blame he puts onto himself, and captures some of the trauma that comes with the events of Sha Hai as well. I just kind of like how this paragraph turned out in the end. xD

6. What character do you have the most fun writing

LI CU!!! Absolutely Li Cu. I don't know exactly what it is but it just. Clicks with me? Or at least the version I write of himd does, it's probably not even close to Li Cu's canon portrayal xD Maybe it's because of the fact that I'm also an angsty, angry 19 year old that I feel as such? It's much easier to put myself in the mind of a teenage boy rather than a 40 year old man xD In terms of non DMBJ writings, I have OCs that I love writing for! Funnily enough, one is an angsty 19 year old boy with a lot of self-worth issues (ringing any bells?) and the other is an angry, confused and conflicted character that was modified to be a kind of living weapon, but had since escaped and repressed all their memories of what happened. Though, the memories eventually start to resurface and they begin to question themself a whole lot, with flashbacks haunting the corners of their mind and driving them deeper and deeper into guilt-filled despair.

In general, angsty characters with a lot of conflicted emotions are super fun to write for! To flicker around from thought to thought and dive into all the hidden feelings that a character can have. It's just super enjoyable for me xD

#writing this while also writing an essay #it's helping me turn those rusty head gears #i feel like i can finally write things again xD #THANK YOU FOR THE ASKS SIERRA! I hope my answers were satisfactory!! xD #i think i went way too off-topic with some of these but honestly when do i ever stay on topic????#ask game #undying prattle #ramblerambleramble #miiiight edit this tomorrow to make it more comprehensible #but for now you can have this mess of a post xD

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shorkbrian · 4 years ago

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ASKS

casual sk answering time!!!

If you don’t see your ask, it’s because I’m saving it to use as a reminder to write a Drabble/thirst/fic!

As always, if you don’t want to see these types of posts from me, block the tag #shorkbrian answers a lot of asks

No particular order lol I just got stressed cause my inbox is hecka full and it’s hard for me to find stuff lol.

ahh I am trying so hard to get better at writing!! If anyone has any tips lmk fr PLEASE god bless u

I HAVEN’T SEEN JJK YET SAJNFJFN I WANT TOOOOOOOO

I don’t like responding to praise it scares me

(I try my best bc I appreciate and care for everyone and anyone who talks to me. I literally would stab myself in the leg 4 u I'm not joking <3 )

Sweaty I will write for anything I know the characters of I am so horny all the time this is me

Yeah Shinsy and Aizawa would totally adopt your pet if it’s a cat. they’re chill like that. There was this one Levi fic I read where he kidnaps u but he brings along ur kitten and it’s SO SOFT (but the smut is what drew me to it remember first and foremost I have a high libido)

Bro Shouto in general he just make me wanna

Hey hey it’s all good guys! No worries! I can’t ever say no to people lol I’m sorry

Don’t you dare talk down to yourself like that!!!! It’s okay to not know stuff lol sometimes u just gotta like give it a second to sink in while you think about it yknow? If anyones dumb it’s me. I had an IQ test done once and I got an F.

That shall be done, do not worry!

So, I don’t have like a “folder” folder lol I just use Pinterest bro. it’s quick, it’s easy, and it’s free. I’m unoriginal and trashy but that’s my brand and who I am as a person so

You’re so very sweet!! I appreciate your kind words so so much bro. This is totally not crossing a line, dw about it, I like to think that I’m chill lol. (just don’t be surprised if I take over and overshare abs myself for 8 hrs lolol)

Me pretending that fic doesn’t exist

fr I don’t know where the story would go from there man. All it would be is just like sex scenes and idk there’s only so many ways to have sex lol. but ty for supporting me with your lovely words!

Anything?

girl.... your standards..... pick them up sweetie they fell in the trash!!!

(Ajlsdljsa I’m sorry I don’t know how to accept compliments like a normal person I swear I’m trying to get better at it tho I promise I do)

Dis is u

Never babe I only do wrongs

I don’t know how to respond or talk to people im sorry

I’m actually being very unhealthy rn..... but it’s fine cheesecake counts as meals so

Me jus tryna enjoy some liquid while my Brian screeches at me abs all the stuff I have yet to accomplish in life

I hate having my Brian be mean 2 me I’m just tryna vibe w u guys and answer asks and my Brian is like “get into a fight with one of them over compliments do it”

Maybe bc I’m not doing any of it for profit? I don’t have to worry about legal repercussions? idk who knows

It’s on Spotify so it means that it has my name on it, sorry. Also I hate sharing things that I’ve made w ppl this blog is scary enough lol

I don’t know where the story would go, sorry. This isn’t a story that looks like it’ll have continuations anytime soon.

You making a fun joke about NNN to Bakugou vs u getting railed over every possible surface in the house

Awaso! you should DM me sometime dude! I’m not making fun of you, that’s not my jam.

you’re so very sweet, like I said!! DM me!!

I’m scared what does this mean

#shorkbrian answers a lot of asks #for new followers #a short reminder #that I am terrible at answering asks #in a timely manner #pls do not be offended if I don't answer ur ask right away #I love u

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twinklecheeks · 5 years ago

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Friends With Benefits (Jeff Wittek Imagine) Part 6

Summary: Jeff and Y/N have been hooking up for a while. The whole vlog squad assumes they’re dating and Y/N does too but Jeff doesn’t like labels. He eventually starts to express interest in Natalie.

Note: Planning on making this a multiple part series, depending on how good it does. You’re 21 & Latina in this (maybe) series. Also, I’d like to apologize for the typos, if there are any. I’m just illiterate lmao.

-I’d also like to say that I am SO sorry about not updating the series in 8 months. I started writing this the week school started last semester. I attempted to do it during Thanksgiving & Christmas break but I didn’t have the energy to do it. I know that we’re all struggling in quarantine and going through withdrawal because David has only 1 video in almost 2 months. I’m going to *TRY* to update this 2 times a week.

Warnings! Pregnancy, smut, nsfw, 18+

Don't read this if you don't like smut

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

Word Count: 1.5k

You and David have practically been dating soon after the gender reveal and finally made it official but you don’t plan to announce it on social media anytime soon. He’s been helping you a lot. Since you’ve found out you were having twin girls, you went straight to planning on how the nursery would look like. Everytime David comes over, he brings stuff like baby toys, clothes, the whole shabang. I know that David isn’t the father but he’s very excited about the babies. You thought your first trimester was difficult and it was but there’s a big problem when in the second trimester…. You’ve become horny 24/7; before pregnancy, you had sex often and you loved it. But since being pregnant, you’ve been deprived of it! You bought a bunch of dildos and vibrators cause you just couldn’t handle it anymore. You would rub yourself, fuck yourself with the dildo or use the vibrator several times just to get through the day.

Texting Kylie:

Y/n: “why didn’t you tell me the second trimester makes you super horny”

Kylie: “GIRL STOOOP. Looking back on my pregnancy, that was the funniest part. Your hormones are just all over the place. I used toys and it helped but I also was with Travis”

Y/n: “I’ve been using them but it doesn’t feel the same as actually fucking someone.”

Kylie: “Why don’t you ask David? ;)”

Y/n: “Whaaat noo! I can’t”

Kylie: “Why not? Isn’t he your boyfriend? It’s not like he would turn you down and plus, it’s not like you can get more pregnant than you already are.”

Y/n: “I mean true but idk. I just feel weird. I’m fat and pregnant with twins. I love my girls already but why couldn’t they just be one baby”

Kylie: “blame Jeff’s super sperm”

Y/n: “I also blame myself. We were fucking all the time, anytime, anywhere”

Kylie: “Anywhere?”

Y/n: “Yeah… remember Zane’s earthquake challenge video at target? Jeff and I may have had a quickie in one of the dressing rooms…”

Kylie: “What the fuck”

Y/n: “Yeah. I know. Not my proudest moment”

Kylie: “but girl i’m serious, ASK DAVID”

Y/N: “Ugh fine. But if he says no, I’m moving away and changing my identity because this shit is embarrassing”

*On the phone with David*

Y/n: “Heyy, can I come over?”

David: “Yeah, of course. Are you okay?

Y/n: “Well… technically yes but… ummm…. I’d rather just discuss this in person”

David: “Sure”

*Y/n arrives at David’s house*

Y/n: *Gives David a quick kiss* “Hey Dave.” David: “Hey babe. You sounded a little weird on the phone.” Y/n: “I mean you’re not wrong… I just have a little tiny problem and I’m going to lose my mind if it isn’t resolved” David: “what’s the problem?” Y/n: “Ugh this is so awkward I don’t want to ask” David: *David wheeze laugh* “Dude just tell me”, Y/n: “Okay umm… i’msuperfuckinghornyandi’mwonderingifyoucanhavesexwithmeifnoticompletelyunderstand.” David: “Can you please say it slower cause I only understood like 2 words.” Y/n: “I said that I’m super fucking horny and I’m wondering if you can have sex with me if not, I completely understand…” David: “Like, how bad is it?” Y/n: “Ooo boy it’s baaad.” David: “Well, we’re technically together and I wasn’t sure if you were thinking about taking that step because you’re pregnant.” Y/n: “I’m open to ANYTHING rn. I just need to be fucked HARD.”

David: *Grabs y/n’s hand and leads her to his room* Y/n: “Is Natalie home? I don’t want her to hear us.” David: “Don’t worry. She’s at Todd’s.” Y/n: “At Todd’s?” David: “Yeah, Todd had a thing for her before Jeff did and he basically went for Natalie when Todd told him that he was going to ask her out.” Y/n: *pulls in David for a needy kiss and moans* David: “wow you really are horny.” *Pushes y/n on the bed and takes off her shirt* Y/n: *unclips her bra* “Do anything that’ll make me cum please.” David: *looks at y/n’s tits and sucks on the right nipple* “Wow. Your tits have gotten… wow.” You cry out in pleasure, letting your head fall back, your mouth open. They were so sensitive that every twirl of his tongue made your pussy even more wet. Y/n: *smirks* “You’ve noticed?” David: “okay... I may have had wet dreams about you.” Y/n: “good.” David: *gets undressed and pulls off your pants* “you have no idea how much I’ve dreamt about eating you out.” Y/n: “please. Do something.” David: *His fingers reach your clit.” Y/n: *You gasp at the feeling of him pressing down on your clit* “mmmm oh my god. Please suck on my clit.” David: *David twirls his tongue around your clit and fingers you* “babe you’re so wet. I can’t wait to fuck you sensless.” *David sucks your clit and fingers you faster* Y/n: “please don’t stop. I NEED to cum.” David: *feels her walls pulsate and she squirts on him* Y/n: “oh my god. Please make me cum like that 10 more times tonight.” David: “are you sure you want to do this?” Y/n: “I haven’t been this sure about something in a long time.” David: *aligns himself with your center and slowly thrusted into you.* Y/n: *moans, almost screams* “holy fuck. I know your going slow not to hurt me but Dave, I want you to fuck me until I can’t walk.” David: *he hears you out and the lust took over and started pounding into you fast and hard* Y/n: “DAVID OH MY GOD PLEASE KEEP FUCKING ME I’M SO CLOSE.” David: “Shit I’m close too babe” *pounds y/n as fast as he can and cums inside her.” Y/n: *cums right after* “oh...my…” David: *pulls out and sees his cums drip out* “Damn. I don’t think I’ve ever cummed that hard.” Y/n: “If you keep fucking me like that, it’s going to be hard for me to keep my hands off you haha.” David: “I would not have a problem w/ that at all.”

(it’s getting close to thanksgiving and Jeff decides to fly home to Staten Island early and the only people who kind of know about the situation are his siblings)

Jeff: “Hey ma.” Jeff’s mom: “Hello Jeffrey. Natalie couldn’t come?” Jeff: “yeah no. We’re kind of on a break rn.” Jeff’s mom: “Oh well that's too bad. Hopefully she’ll come for Christmas.” Karyn (Jeff’s older sister): “hey Jeff. Can you help me out w/ shopping? I have to go to Manhattan” Jeff: “Sure.”

*On the Staten Island Ferry*

Karyn: “Okay so now that we’re alone, can you actually tell me what the fuck did you do.” Jeff: “Excuse me? The fuck you talking about?” Karyn: “I know that made up bullshit about y/n getting knocked up by a rando and Natalie asking for a break is a damn lie. Y/n was in love w/ you but you ignored all the signs and Natalie, she would only ask for a break if you were being a fucking idiot. I’m your older sister. I know when you’re lying.” Jeff: “Ugh fine… Y/n is knocked up w/ my kids and I basically said some horrible stuff that wasn’t true. As for Natalie, she was there to see me say all those horrible things and she dumped me on the spot, in front of the whole friend group…” Karyn: *stares at Jeff dumbfounded* “Excuse me did you say KIDS as in PLURAL??!” Jeff: “Yeah… She’s pregnant w/ twin girls…” Karyn: “Oh Jeffrey why the fuck did you act that way. You’re such an idiot. If mom and dad found out about this, they’d literally murder you.” Jeff: “I don’t know… I think it was because I got into something so serious less than a year after being dumped by Cierra; I panicked and I sabotaged myself. I know I’m wrong but I already fucked everything up. Everybody hates me.” Karyn: “I thought you changed Jeff when you got out of Prison.” Jeff: “What do you mean you *thought*” Karyn: “You have trouble w/ responsibility. When we were at your trial, you said you were not guilty, even when you got to prison, you still said you weren’t guilty but you were.” Jeff: “That’s different.” Karyn: “How?? You’re refusing to accept responsibility for those 2 babies. Jeff, you’re almost 30 years old. It took you 4 years after you got out to come to terms with what you did. Is it gonna take you until your 34 to realize you fucked y/n and those twin girls over? What is she gonna say when they ask for their dad huh? Sorry, daddy didn’t care about you? You either fix things with y/n ASAP or I’m gonna tell mom and dad.” Jeff: “what the fuck are you 5?! Why we gotta bring them into this?” Karyn: “so they fucking knock some sense into you Jeff and you know they are 100x worse than I am. I ain’t doin’ nothing to you rn because we’re in public. Imma give you until New Years... if you don’t tell them, then they gonna hear it from me...”

Karyn was never afraid to tell Jeff and their other brother how it is. Jeff knew that Karyn was right but he had no idea how he could possibly apologize for being a horrible human being to you. Will Jeff apologize before New Years? Will y/n forgive him?

Comment if you want to be on the taglist!

Taglist: @elvlogsquad @siemprestan @zavidzobrik @galxydefender @iminlovewithenchilidadas @ilsolee

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zodiyack · 5 years ago

Text

Tell Me It’s Real

Requested by anon: So I had this idea for a fic where the reader is pretending to be in love with Roman to get close to him. The reader is a viglante and plans to take him down when she earns his trust. he finds out about her plans and he’s upset because he really likes her. But instead of killing her he keeps her as a prisoner. Sorry if that’s too specific. I love your work!

Pairing: Roman Sionis x reader

Warnings: Swearing, angst, alcohol, drugging, crime, soft!Roman, mention of murder, kidnapping(?), mention of Roman’s homemade removal surgery (aka face skinning), mention of Stockholm syndrome? idk, movie reference

Note: I hope this is what you wanted! I’m sorry if I went a bit offtrack! I also I apologize, I was rather tired when writing the first half of this!

Taglist: @stardancerluv @matth1w @redspaceace

Masterlist | Birds of Prey Masterlist

Part Two

Her lips formed into a smirk against his. He was tempted to deepen their kiss, but for now, he was being interrupted with a business deal. With him being more focused on the pain across from him who was pleading for a deal, he didn’t notice the flicking eyes of his girlfriend. The way she subtly listened to their conversation.

But just because Roman hadn't noticed didn’t mean Victor didn’t take caution. He saw her, just as he did every time she did something of the sort. He was curious to know why, but he left it be. As Roman’s best friend and employee, he knew the boundary of accusing Roman’s lover of anything without solid evidence.

He tried photos. But Y/n was the same as he was with her. Both keeping an eye on each other. He tried to set up cameras. But she was always one step ahead, always being out of the view of the lens or the footage would “somehow” be glitchy, deleted, ruined, just never the way he knew it was supposed to be.

It all added up for him. However, not for Roman. Head over fucking heals for Y/n; he refused to believe anything that was said of her. From Victor or someone else. He never believed.

This was the time. Victor was determined to catch her. She had to fuck up at some point, right? No human being was that perfect.

“Rome?” Her breath tickled his neck, distracting him from the conversation. She nipped at his ear as he made a “mhm” sound in response to his name. “I’m feeling thirsty. What about you?”

“Exactly the same as you, angel. I’ll get Vincent to g-”

“No!” Victor’s head snapped up, both him and Roman had a look of confusion and shock at her sudden raise of voice. “I mean, no. I’ll get them myself.”

“Oh...if you’d like. Come right back though, alright, Angel?”

“Yes sir. I love you, Romey.” She kissed him roughly before setting off to get the promised drinks. Now that she finally had control over him, her plan was being set into motion. He finally trusted her. She knew of the reports being made of her, she knew how Roman turned them down like they were just rumors, it all was just proof that it was the perfect time for her to begin.

She went up to the bar and asked for two cups of a random alcohol. When the man handed her the drinks, she thanked him and walked to a dark corner, pouring pills into one of the cups. Thank god she accepted Harley’s offer.

“Wait! Please, just let me go, I just started my life free of Mr. J! I’ll give you something in return!”

“Harley, what on earth could you possibly have that would stop me from turning you in?”

She fished around in her pocket, smiling brightly when she found what she was searching for. “Here,” she held out a bottle of pills. Specifically the kind you’d use to drug someone. The kind to knock them out. “take ‘em!”

“What the hell would I need these for? I’m a fucking vigilante, I’m throwing you guys in jail, not kidnapping you.”

“You know exactly what they’re for!”

Her arms folded over her chest, inhaling deeply and rolling her eyes. “No, Harley, I really don’t.”

“Oh come on Y/n! Don’t be so modest! I know you’re goin’ for the big one! Roman Sionis?”

Her eyes widened. “H-how did you-”

“Easy! You and that other... scary.. cop lady want a case against him. You’re the only new person so he has no idea who you are, meaning it’s easy for you to sneak right in and turn him to putty in your hands before... ya know-” She shook the pills next to her face. “You may have gotten some people in jail, but if you build your reputation up too quickly, he’ll have you shot dead before you can even reach the lot of his club.”

“And how do I know you won’t go blabbering to him?” Y/n drawled, taking the bottle from the blonde.

“Really? He hates my guts. I thought you knew that already? Oooh righttt, you’re new. Sorry, I just forgot for a sec due to how good you are at this hero shit.”

“...Thanks?”

“Anytime sweets!” She glanced down at her wrist, checking an imaginary watch. “Welp, nice talking to ya, but I gotta go. Seeya!” Before any words could leave Y/n’s mouth, Harley was already on the back of the bus, holding onto the rail and catching an illegal ride.

She sat back down, smiling at her boyfriend and handing him the cup with the drugged drink. One of the men across from her initiated a conversation. It was the perfect timing for something against her plan.

Victor had seen her. He’d seen the pills. Stealthily, but obvious enough for Roman to notice him, he switched the cups. and shrugged when Roman raised an eyebrow.

“Could I make a toast?”

Y/n turned to Victor, smiling and grabbing the glass in front of her. Victor spat out some bullshit toast and downed his glass, the rest of the table following his action. A few moments went by and Y/n started to sway, she struggled to keep her eyes open.

“Angel? Are you alright? Do you need us to leave early?”

“I’m.. I’m fine Rome. I p-promi...promise...” The last “promise” of her sentence was whispered. Her head hit the table and her eyes fell closed. Roman jumped up, no knowing what was going on or who to blame.

“You! What the fuck did you do to her Victor?”

He assumed quickly, based off Victor switching their cups in front of him. “It wasn’t me. That cup was from her, meant for you. Remember? I didn’t do jack-shit to her.”

It hit him. Finally. It hit him like a thunderbolt striking his tall form. Moments he should’ve taken note of. The times she was caught in suspicious actions and brushed it off with some excuse he believed. There was still one more thing.

“Out.” No one moved. Rarely anyone heard him. If they did, they didn’t listen to him. “Out!! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CLUB!” Just like that, they did. People swarmed, racing to the exit, not wanting to face the furry and wrath of Roman Sionis. “Zsasz-”

“On it boss.” He began to pick her up and head into the direction of where Roman’s infamous unconsented facial removal surgeries took place.

“Where the fuck are you going?”

“I-”

“Don’t listen? I know. As I was going to say, chain her up... please. Don’t hurt her, don’t kill her,” He turned to the rest of his employees, “you got that? NONE OF YOU LAY A FUCKING HAND ON HER! Or it’ll be your face I skin next.”

Audible gulps sounded through the room. No one moved. Not even an inch.

“Well? GO!”

. . .

She woke up, vision blurred and wrists feeling sore. Her eyes were watery and her throat felt dry. She couldn’t have messed up, she knew exactly what glass it was in! No matter her mistake, she was obviously in for it now. ‘Fuck.’

“Well well, look who’s awake Roman!” A voice sneered from in front of her. Y/n managed to look up, meeting the eyes of Victor Zsasz. “Look at you now. So helpless. You’ve failed, ya know? Just one little brat who ca-”

“Enough, Victor.”

Victor’s eyes never left Y/n’s. He stared her down while mumbling an apology to Roman, obviously not genuine. She took the chance, smiling mischievously, and spat in his face.

“You bitch!” His hand raised to meet her face, but Roman stopped him quickly.

“Victor. I said enough.” Y/n could hear his steps approaching her. Great, she really was gonna die. “Please leave us, friend.”

“Yeah whatever.”

He left, just as Roman had asked, Although she acted fearless and literally just did something that could’ve gotten her killed on the spot, a tinge of fear made it’s way to her gut. Roman seemed intrigued with his girlfriend. Was she really afraid or was she skimming through her mind for an escape strategy?

Neither.

She was too busy shivering with wide eyes, confused by Roman’s actions.

“Listen... I know, I should kill you. I mean, if anyone else had done it, I would’ve peeled their fucking face off and then made them suffer a horrible death, but you... I fucking loved you. I- I love you.”

“Roman. P-please I-”

“No. I’ve already figured it out, Angel.”

“Roman! I beg of you, please don’t kill me.. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have hurt you like that! I hurt you by using your heart rather than a less emotional tactic and I’m sorry!”

Roman tutted, walking around Y/n and kneeling in front of her. “Y/n, Y/n, Y/n. You’re right, it hurt me in a very unfair way, but your apologies won’t excuse your attempt of knocking me out.”

“How did you-” She thought back, Victor keeping his eyes on her, her finding what she thought to be an unoccupied corner and not bothering to check her surroundings. “Shit.”

“O-huh-ha-o! You finally figured it out! Well, he switched the glasses, and look where we are now. The woman I love, trying to kill me. What is this, Mr. and Mrs. Smith?”

“Could be.” she sighed. “Are you gonna...” The chains rattled against the floor as she moved her hands in a circle motion over her face.

“Skin you? No. I’m gonna keep you here.” He stood up.

“Am I gonna die?”

“No to that question as well.” Roman started towards the door. “There is, however, a way you can get out of this.”

“And that is?”

He turned slightly, eyes meeting hers. “Well you gotta make sure it’s the truth. Some guy is coming by and he loves his machinery. Something about it shocking you if you lie?” A goofy “oops”-kind-of-smile rested on his lips.

“But what is it that I need to do?”

The door slammed shut and the locks clicked into place. “Tell Me It’s Real.”

✦ ✧ ✦ ✧ ✦

Part two? Also I’m sorry if this story is like...REALLY ooc or something, I just went with the flow.

And with the movie reference part (Mr. And Mrs. Smith) I could totally write an au for that as a Roman Sionis if y’all like that idea. Him or another character, I don’t mind, I just like the movie a lot

✘ Bowie

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captains-price · 3 years ago

Note

I’ve been on AO3, reading the same 3-4 bottom Karl fics that are there! (It’s really SO sad how little there is)

Let’s play some more on Ethan dragging Karl off to a shadowed part of the village to pull that cockring off. If he’s willing to do that in a public space then what else is he willing to do?

Anything, of course. He would love the thrill of being tucked away somewhere with Karl that anyone could come across. Behind a house, tucked in the back of a barn, in the confessional of their church. He would be eager to drag Karl away at a moments notice and get his hands and mouth on him; turning it into a game of sorts. How much can he do and get away with before Karl can’t hold his noises back anymore?

Pinning Karl against a wall behind a villagers house and fingering him until his legs give out; having Karl fall to his knees in the church confessional and suck his cock while a sermon is going on; pulling Karl out of the factory and to the center of the village in the middle of the night to spread him out and fuck him at the base of the fountain. Hell, he would even push him to his hands and knees in the graveyard if he was in the mood. Anywhere where they risk someone walking by. Ethan knows no one would call them out on it if they did see them (The leader of the village and one of his Lords? They wouldn't dare) but he loves how red Karl gets every time and how hard he tries at keeping himself quiet.

Chris though? Chris likes to play hunter and prey. He loves the thrill of hunting Karl down wherever he is and getting the drop on him. Sometimes there is a fight, which only gets the blood pumping, but in the end Chris would pin his prize down and get to have his way with him.

His favorite is when Karl isn't even in the village, but checking up on the lycans in the surrounding forest. That is when he gets to have the most fun. Karl knows the instant Chris has set his sights on him, feeling that thrilling tingle run down his back, prey knowing instinctively that a predator is eyeing them from the shadows. That is when he runs. Darting through the trees as quickly as he can, heart hammering like a jackrabbit when he hears Chris' deep baritone laughing as he gives chase.

The only light the two men have is the moon, but it's more than enough for them and Chris never loses sight of Karl even once. Sometimes he draws it out, letting the smaller man think that he's gotten away or that he's tripped Chris up, but it always ends the same way: Karl tackled down to the forest floor with Chris holding his hands down with one hand, the other tugging hard on his hair to yank his head back and bare his neck in submission.

And Chris can wait. He rides out the kicks and the snapping teeth and the punches to his chest and shoulders; he is a boulder, unmoving and resolute as Karl wears himself out before going limp with a defeated whimper and spreading his legs so Chris can claim his prize.

After those nights Karl would go home the next morning covered in bites, bruises and dirt but feeling oh-so satisfied.

And more on Karl switching up who he sleeps with! I can see in the beginning that he doesn't even tell the two men what he's doing. Ethan is tender when he wants to be, but it's not like they're dating or have confessed anything to one another (but god does Karl want to, he just doesn't want to ruin things between them in case Ethan doesn't feel the same.) (He is a fool, of course Ethan feels the same) so he's free to sleep with whoever he wants. He would think that he's keeping it from the both of them, but Ethan and Chris would figure it out real fast. It's not like it's a big village and Karl turning up in their beds with marks they didn't give him would be major hints.

At first they both think that Karl found someone unknown to sleep with and they're jealous. Who else would he go to for what they can give him themselves? It would take one night of drinking for them to realize that they're both talking about Karl. After that it's easy to agree to share and confront Karl about it. That would be the first time that they all sleep together. (Later on Ethan takes Karl back to his home and confesses his feelings for him. Karl almost cries when he's told that he's loved and wanted and happily tells Ethan that he loves him as well)

The first time they manage double penetration is a few weeks after they started sharing Karl in bed. Ethan had been training him for it by having him take bigger and bigger dildos, often keeping them inside of Karl all night long to help his body get used to the stretch and burn. Chris' method was slipping in a finger or two alongside his cock whenever he fucked Karl; something that always sent the smaller man over the edge and had him begging for more.

The night they actually attempted it Ethan had bought two new bottles of lube and started the night off with one of his favorite pastimes by opening Karl up with his tongue and fingers, making sure he was easily taking four before having him lay on Chris back to front and have Chris slide into him and hold Karl close while Ethan gently worked his fingers in alongside Chris' cock. It took time and patience, but in the end Ethan had four fingers in and Karl was struggling not to come all over himself, begging and sobbing for more.

The hardest part was Ethan sliding in alongside Chris. Not because of pain, but because Karl just couldn't stay still. In the end Ethan had to gather his wrists and pin them to Karl's chest while Chris held Karl under his thighs and kept him spread and still while Ethan fucked into him.

This was the best way to wake up lmao thank you and I’m sorry I just now managed to get around to replying!

And I know! It’s literally insane to me how little content there is, at this point I’m about ready to write it myself but this does give me serotonin for now

Dude I love thinking about the different ways Karl would get fucked and how slutty he would become and Ethan dragging him to multiple places out in the open and making him shake in pleasure has got me WEAK

I like to think that because Karl is so inexperienced with sex as a whole before Ethan that it didn’t even occur to him that sex in public would be something so exciting until they were having dinner out in the village one time(do you think there are communal places to eat there? Idk, there are now) and Ethan started groping him under the table, making karl choke and start spitting up his water he happened to be sipping on. He was immediately turning red and looking around to make sure no one saw but Ethan is sitting next to him with not a care in the world and looking so smug, and then he continues to feel him up.

Karl would normally never care about making a scene in public but since the death of Miranda he’s sorta been trying to redeem his reputation as one of the four lords in the village, so he doesn’t want his new villagers to know that Ethan is driving him wild with his a hand rubbing his inner thigh and grazing his dick. And the place is not even that crowded, but Karl still bites his lower lip hard enough to draw blood so the server and possibly even chef won’t know what’s going on.

He can’t help but let out a few sounds here and there, anytime rubs his dick a little longer and harder than usual, which Ethan would eat up. He’s so smug about how well he has Karl under his thumb and it’s radiating off him. At one point, Ethan leans in close to tell Karl what a good boy he’s being and bites his ear, and Karl really can’t help but let out a whimper at that point and nearly comes right there but he manages to stamp it down, still too embarrassed at the thought of coming in public. He does hear Ethan talk to somebody, maybe someone asking if Karl is okay, if they’re done with their food(he hopes so much that they are so the torture will end), or some other kind of lame thing he doesn’t care about, either way, he can’t make out their words, too blissed out to pay any mind to.

After what feels like an eternity, Ethan leans back close to his ear, once again singing his praises(did I mention i feel like Karl has a praise kink, cause I think he would), saying that he’s being so good and keeping his sounds down so no one but Ethan gets to hear his moans. But then Ethan changes it up by trying to let his sounds out, now rubbing harder and faster, because wouldn’t he like to put on a show for the villagers? Let them know how pretty he sounds and exactly who it is that he lets fuck him? Maybe even let one of them join in because Karl is such a cockslut after all

And then Karl comes, letting out the barest hint of a moan, not enough to be suspicious but louder than he would have liked. Ethan turns his head to kiss him deep for a minute or two, and then he pulls away, he licks up the blood on Karl’s lower lip and Karl feels like he could come again just from that, but settles for whimpering again instead. So now, sex in public is a thing they do and Ethan loves it, so does Karl but he has a harder time admitting it lol

I love the thought of Chris playing hunter and prey with him though!

I like to think that that was how they started sleeping together lol Chris just showing up at his factory and Karl actually thought that he came to try and arrest or kill him again but Chris didn’t even know why he ended up at his factory until they broke out in a fight and Chris managed to pin him down with his wrists above his head and in between his legs, he saw how heavily Karl was breathing and how flushed he became(most likely because of their fight but it’s hard to focus either way) and the next thing they knew, Chris was kissing him senseless and grinding his hips against his. They have fast and hard sex and Karl has a hard time hiding his limp and explaining this marks to Ethan when he sees him again.

And then it just continues like that, Ethan getting him on most nights for either slow, long, and maddening rounds of sex or the kinkiest shit imaginable that has Karl feeling it in his lower back for days after. And then the nights scattered throughout the week where he’s in his factory or in town or the woods alone working on one of his many projects and he’ll suddenly get a feeling of being watched and he knows Chris is around.

Karl likes to think he gives as good as he gets and doesn’t make it easy for Chris to catch him, giving a good chase until they’re both breathing heavily with lungs on fire. Karl loves that especially, shows that Chris is not quite the super soldier he makes himself out to be and even though Chris still thrusts into him like he’s trying to fuck him through the earth, karl feels like he’s the one who wins in the end.

Some nights, Chris catches him quicker, almost immediately and he’ll tease Karl about, going a bit slower since he still has all his stamina but just as hard as always. He’ll say things like if Karl really wanted to, he could just use his metal to get Chris off him and then get away. But he never does. Not once in their chases does he use his metal, only his own physical abilities, and that’s how Chris knows he wants to get caught, that he’s secretly hoping to get pushed down, used like a sex doll, and powerless for once. It’s not like he isn’t strong, but he didn’t want the powers in the first place and so for a while he can just pretend Chris really can tie him down and fuck him good. Chris’s words always go straight to his dick and he comes quicker and more often on those nights.

And then the double penetration comes and Karl realizes just what a size queen he is. They don’t do it every night since Karl needs some time to recover the following day, it’s almost becomes a thing they save for special occasions and Karl begs for it every time.

The thing is, Ethan has Chris beaten in length but Chris has such a thick girth that it made them all a bit weary to try double penetration at first. But when Karl started taking bigger and bigger dildos and still begging for more, they knew he could handle it.

It ends up being easiest to have Chris enter him first after Ethan takes his time to open him up, that way, they get the biggest thing out of the way first and can just work in some fingers alongside Chris’s cock. When Ethan enters too, Karl is letting out choked sobs and moans at the feeling of being so full but he’s also pretty sure he’s in heaven.

They used a pretty generous amount of lube in the prep work and added even more when they start moving, which helps pretty well with the pace they set, which just so happens to be, different

While Chris fucks him, he does it as fast and hard as always but makes sure every thrust hits his prostate exactly which drives him insane, but Ethan is more measured with his thrusts, going as deep as he can and then rolling his hips to grind against Karl’s ass. The twin sensations of being fucked at such different paces has Karl’s chest heaving and screaming and begging for release. Which they do grant him but after like, an hour. It’s the hardest Karl comes in recent memory.

Karl pretty much loses his voice afterward so Ethan and Chris shush him and kiss him sweetly when he tries to say something and work out what he needs in a different way. And of course, because I am a sucker for proper aftercare, Chris carries him to the bath(quite a large bath and built into the floor, big enough to fit all three of them comfortably, nothing but the best for one of the lords) and they both take their time to wash the come and sweat off him and then carry him back to bed after, Karl in between them, and they take their much needed rest.

#this is more than I’ve written for anything in like 2 months so I thank you for getting my creative juices flowing again #mine #resident evil #tw nswf

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