#idk but i'm having gender thoughts and i wanna change my name i just don't know

[madd-nix]

i love it when i'm debating about renaming myself but i have no fucking clue what to change my name to (sarcasm)

[creamedh0ney]

☀️Hey Sunshine ☀️

I thought I'd introduce myself! I wasn't sure how to make a nice looking introduction but I figure I'll just go for it and add if I need to!

First of all, you can call me Andy. My name changes sometimes in real life but Andy is a pretty safe, gender neutral one to use for me.

🌻Basics About Me🌻

Big Age: 17, but 18 in November!

Little Age: 1-6

Gender Identity: Genderfluid

Pronouns I use: she/he/they/it/xe (depends on the time, but use what you'd like)

Sexuality: Pansexual

Other Stuff: I am autistic, I have c-ptsd and chronic pain - Please be patient with me!

🪁Hobbies🪁

Drawing (with sidewalk chalk, chalk pastels, pencil, marker, crayon, anything really!)

Gardening (though I'm not good at it yet)

Biking

Volleyball (just for fun though, I'd rather not do anything competitively)

Baking

Writing (poetry, fantasy or romance stories, essays)

Reading (fantasy, romance, classics, poetry, fanfiction, science nonfiction)

Watching anime/animated TV shows

Shopping

Listening to music

🧸Interests/Things I Like🧸

Shows(some of these are not agere or sfw necessarily!): Hazbin Hotel, Helluva Boss, Banana Fish, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Sesame Street, Owl House, Ouran High-school Host Club, Gravity Falls, Haikyu, Strawberry Shortcake, Wild Kratts, X-Men, Amazing Spiderman

Movies/Studios: Disney (specifically Tangled and other princess movies), Studio Ghibli, Tim Burton movies (specifically Coraline and Edward Scissorhands)

Toys/Toy Type Things: Dolls (porcelain or rag- not creepy ones or anything, just normal), Stuffed Animals, Calico Critters, Barbies, Littlest Pet Shops, Animal Figures (specifically schleich), Play Food, Play Dough, Lego

Games: Stardew Valley, Slime Rancher, Minecraft, Genshin Impact, Sims, Roblox (I like Fashion Famous and Royale High specifically), Animal Jam, Fall Guys, Star Stable, Pokémon (though I've only played it on other people's consoles)

Other:

Animals (of all kinds!! I adore any and all, but if you reallyyy wanna know specifics, I can yap for AGES!)

Clowns! I have been for a very long time, I adore them!

Anything pink or yellow! Those are my favorite colors ever!

Nostalgia is a very big theme in my interests, there's something so very special about it!

🎀BYF/Things You Should Know🎀

- I'm gonna be posting randomly, there's not really a set time. I may post a TON in a day, or I may not post for weeks. Please be patient and respectful of my time!

- I prefer cursing to a veryy very small amount. The occasional d-word or s-word is okay. I curse a lot outside of regression - which I'm working on - so I don't kind, but this is a safe space for me and many others. Please be respectful of that in your language choices.

- If I post something which is triggering to you and don't post a trigger warning, it is completely okay to let me know! Tell me to post a warning! Please! It doesn't harm me at all to edit and add a tw.

- Adding onto the one above, I may post something and come across as too blunt or may not word things correctly. Let. Me. Know. I want to know if I come across as rude or if my intention isn't clear. That's important to me.

🧼DNI🧼

Basic DNI (homophobes, racists, misogynists, etc.)

NSFW/K!nk

Accounts featuring g0re, S/H, e/d, and the like

Anti agere (obviously)/ Anti Furry / Anti Neopronouns (idk if there are terms for that, please let me know if there are, but you know what I mean for now!)

Basically, don't be a jerk! I want to be as friendly and welcoming as possible, but that means keeping this space safe, respectful and kind. This is my blog and that means upholding my rules. Thank you so much for understanding!!

( @kodaswrld made my dividers and icon!! Love it sm!!)

[autisticempathydaemon]

your match up game looks so fun ‼️‼️‼️‼️ i wanna try it out hehe (rambling ahead)

1. beast of blood by malice mizer :3 i honestly don't have a reason other than it being chaotic enough that it fills up empty noise in my brain lol

2. 5w6 !!

3. ohh i LOVE youtube essays/analyses whether i'm fully listening or have em as background noise, i love horror youtube deep dives, particularly about analog/digital horror series and that one creepypasta iceberg hehe

4. i don't think i've ever had one ? to be honest i don't think i ever thought abt it until i saw it in like . cartoons n shit , never rlly knew about the concept of imaginary friends as a kid 😭

5. recently i use redacted sleep aid audios but most of the time i just . stay awake until my brain shuts down 🤞

6. honestly? i never thought abt this . but the first thing that came into my mind was veronica (idk either!!) though if i genuinely wanted to change my name i'd want it to be gender neutral, and tbh i doubt i'd have any important meaning behind it i'd just pick whatevr sounds nice

7. guy's sleep audio !!!! i joke about wanting guy angst a lot but to be real . this audio of his is so vulnerable .. like before that we only saw him being a goof and stuff yaknow . . idk that one forreals hit different 4 me

8. as much as i love every character, i do not understand why gavin is the most popular😭 don't get me wrong , love him, maybe it's because i haven't listened to the fl series but i do not get the hype💔

9. i don't know all the words per se but i would have to say mean girls . . as problematic as that movie is now its iconic and i love it and i need to rewatch it BAD .

10. damien tbh . haven't gotten to his other audios but i think i would want 2 be besties w him i relate 2 him a good amount (he also seems like the type id be intimidated into doing well in school for)

11. to be real i wld not be able to ramble if im tired LOL i think i'd be more quiet bcz i have a hard time sleeping to begin with

12. tbh just a soda (coca cola bcz i am basic) i go to convenience stores n stuff after school so im only there to pick up something quick before i go home so im in and im out 🔥🔥

13. the 2007 sweeney todd soundtrack 🤞 i cannawt find the movie ANYWHERE and its nostalgic to me so listening to the songs is the closest i'll get to scratch the itch in my brain

14. fnaf tbh EHWHEHW i've been into fnaf ever since i was a kid and it's stuck with me because it's what got me into horror n stuff  🫶

15. i'm a saggitarius, my mbti is INTP, i love horror and fashion, despite wearing a lot of darker alt fashion, my favorite color is pink (my phone case is decorated to the gods its very ridiculous) i like doing my own nails (funnily enough in bright colors) , i think i relate to honey the most in terms of personality, and i like to analyze most of the media im into!!

So part of my thought process is based on your personality types, the Troubleshooter and the Logician. However, I have to admit a bigger part of my reasoning is I think Asher would love your fashion sense and would contrast you so cutely.

Like, on a deep, core level, your personality types give me the impression of someone who’s thoughtful and analytical and capable of solving problems. Those are good traits for a beta’s mate, especially when Asher can have more social, impulsive tendencies. On a funsies level, I imagine Asher dresses like your typical So Cal dude, kinda surfer chic, and he loves your style and what an odd pair you make. Like, on all levels but especially physical, you are the embodiment of the black cat/golden retriever couple.

Asher loves everything about you, so many things about you he finds it hard to pick a favorite. He loves the contrast between your dark clothes and your bright nails, loves asking you to paint his while you’re at it so y’all can match. He loves watching FNAF theories with you, because he was definitely a FNAF teenager. He even loves watching scary movies with you though he’s terrible with them. (Asher’s the type that loves the adrenaline rush while it’s playing but regrets it once it’s time to lock up the house.)

Song:

In the car, I just can't wait/ To pick you up on our very first date/ Is it cool if I hold your hand?/ Is it wrong if I think it's lame to dance?/ Do you like my stupid hair?/ Would you guess that I didn't know what to wear?/ I'm just scared of what you think/ You make me nervous so I really can't eat/ Let's go/ Don't wait/ This night's almost over

Given we canonically know Asher to be a FOB fanboy, it’s hardly a leap to assume he’s a Blink fan, especially this song. I think this particular track is not only fun and nostalgic to him but captures his energy and vibes, how he felt when he first fell in love with you. It’s also catchy as hell, so you know he’s singing this at you full-volume all the time.

Runner-ups:

Anytime someone says they’re a horror fan, I’ve got to put Guy in their big three; one of my top headcanons is that he writes some gripping horror and loves it as a genre. (I also think he loves FNAF lore and finds it so fun, though he was not impressed by the movie.) I also love Lasko for you because I think he admires your bold, authentic fashion choices and finds them inspirational.

Read this post and send me an ask if you’d like a match-up of your own! 💌

[sweet-dining-car]

Ok so I've been dead for like a really long time cuz I did not like the way that the fandom was going and how some ppl were acting on here but I need to talk about the changes in the rivial. Like what is going on????

First thing that took me by such great surprize was Greaseball. And now plz don't jump me and call me homopobic or anything but I just really don't think that this was the right move here. I mean, changing a character's gender aright, ok, we saw that with Momma and thats fine but I just really don't think that it should have been Greaseball. I mean his whole character and everything I just don't think so. Also I really like hearing Pumping Iron from a nice Baritone and idk how that would sound in a female range.

Now, in my inital shock I was like WHAT? What will GreaseDinah look like now??? But then I thought abt it. Greaseball may still be a man in this production, we really don't know. They didn't change his name or say that he wasn't a man anymore, Greaseball could still be the same just played by a woman now. Again, please don't jump down my thoat here, I'm not trying to offend or anything.

Now what I was actually hoping for in the rivial was maybe a female Electra finally offically, cuz tbh that seems more realisitic to me. AC/DC could be sung by a nice Alto that can also reach Mezzo-Soprano too. Also it has already been confirmed that Electra is gender fluid so I mean why not?

I was also hoping for some more diveristy in the rockies too, I gotta keep my fingers crossed on that one.

I'm glad to see a lot more of the Germany cast there but I am really holding by breath cuz I hope things don't change too much

The female Greaseball just really took me by surprize and idk what to think now. I just wanna see the costume and please PLEASE don't mess up Rolling Stock or Pumping Iron in terms of vocals or music. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make the sound track sound good

[neonstatic]

so. testosterone, huh? i've been sitting on it for yrs and i get these periodic bouts of realisations where i'm like, "omg! i can't stand this anymore, i need a dick / a deeper voice / more body hair" which is quickly resolved by my insecurities reminding me that i could very well lose all my beauty and sex appeal if i transition unsuccessfully. and i'm very much like mr howl movingcastle in the department of shallowness and dramatics, in that i think the whole point of my existence is moot if i am not, at the very least, pleasant to the eye

but like. there's more to life, right? and i've been working on my appearance and am pretty sure i've gotten as pretty as it gets with what i've got, and idk that i feel any happier for it. i see a thriving transmasc and i feel proud and envious and miserable. oh why is every trans dude so handsome and cool and pretty :cccc bc they are brave and i am not, is why. maybe that's what's missing for me. a little bravery. maybe i need to stop being such a cowardly shallow person and just get on with it!

easier said than done, ofc. bc there's more holding me back than my own insecurities and fears. i am comfortably bi at home only bc i also happen to be painfully awkward and not romantically involved w anyone and my family are in denial despite the pride merch i own. i highly doubt i'll be able to get them to understand and accept my gender identity. it took me some time to tell them i changed my name at work, but it feels more like a nickname than an actual name change bc of how similar it sounds. also, sadly, i still feel like a silly person who hasn't made up their mind yet. like ohhh you don't wanna be a woman OR a man, you think you're sooo special, don't you 🙄 wah wah it's so hard to be me or wtv.

on the bright side, i found a document that gave me some good info on the hrt process in qc and it came with a guide that told you all the effects of t and which ones are reversible or not, how to treat them, etc. so i went thru it like a checklist and found out the following: - there's 10 total effects of t - they take ~6 months to show up, to some varying degrees - 3 are permanent slash irreversible - i only truly want 4/10 total effects (+1 extra but i can live w/o) - out of these 4 desired effects, 3 are irreversible - let me know if the math is mathing buuut, if i were to be on t for abt 6 months, i'd basically have 3/4 of my goals achieved, which is a 75% success rate. pretty good overall no? am i gamgbling? is this a gamble? idfk

anyway. big thoughts. i'm gonna eat some brownies now, cheers

[s1llydr3amscape]

Gonna be rambling abt Vanessa headcanons because I've been feeling unwell mentally. Sorry if it is nonsensical I just love rambling lol. :

-I headcanon Vanessa as wasain tbh. I just like him a lot so I made her half malay. It mainly speaks english and can somewhat speak malay. This is mostly because I feel like she'd be in online spaces a lot. Which significantly improve their english but made her malay worse (relatable).

-Her full name would have been like Vanessa Aaminah binti *dad's full name* but like they'd go by their nickname or just write it's name as Vanessa A. because people kept mispronouncing her full name and because she hates her dad. I chose the name specifically cuz in the iterations I know it means safe one/someone who is protected from all that causes fear. And I just feel like it fits her character especially when we got the protect posters.

-It's hair isn't naturally blonde. She bleaches it often because he likes to dye it cuz it's the most easiest way to do it if you got black hair. She has given herself a buzzcut before on multiple occasions. I feel like their the type to have different colored hair every week and if he ends up not liking it snip snip off you go. Don't lie and tell me she won't wear extensions. She does have an undercut tho because it likes to scratch it as like a stim.

-A lot of people are weird about family headcanons for some reason especially if they sleep on the same bed? Because I thought it was commonplace to sleep together in the same bed with family. Then I found out people got their own rooms when they're children which shocked me cuz I only got to sleep in my own bed at like 16. But Vanessa and Gregory shared a bed and snuggled together the first few months they live together. Eventually they managed to afford Gregory his own bed but he sometimes he still goes to sleep with Vanessa when he gets nightmares.

-Idk I love Vanny a lot I keep giving her the same pronouns and identity as me lol. A lot of her own experiences with both the games and the movie is to relatable. It uses like all pronouns and a few neos. He is bigender to me and a lesbian!!!! Also trans!!!! This bitch kisses girls!!!! I mold Vanny's gender and let it fluctuate and change because man I just love Vanny and enjoy giving multiple different interpretations for my other AU's also me myself is just also confused about my own gender. Sometimes I just wanna make Vanessa just use it/it's forever

-I remember when we first got the security breach gameplay and people said Vanessa was to mean because she got mad at Freddy for not being on lockdown. But like as the older sibling who has seen their lil bro get grounded and break the rules. I know damn well she got mad because she's overworked and two they both will get in trouble if this shit keeps up. I just feel like Vanessa unintentionally takes the older sibling role often due to her growing up too fast. Like it has to mask it's interests to appear normal. To fit in. Eventually though he gets to unwind and be childish again. Once Greggy comes into the picture Ness just gets to be silly and annoy him with cringe humor to Gregory's dismay.

-There is more but I feel like if I wanna talk about it properly I need to explain malay culture and rn i'm lazy and don't want ppl to get the wrong idea

[slanax]

so the podcast playlist ran out at work earlier today and left me with just music and my thoughts while I continued packaging products on autopilot. Now over the last month or so I've done a lot in my day to day life to stop stagnating and settling for 'good enough' as far as like household and stuff is concerned, I finally upgraded my phone and phone plan after like five and ten years respectively, I bought new clothes that actually fit me instead of the holdovers from back in the day that I was still wearing, my kitchen now has an actual workspace bc I've rearranged my furniture and added some more - shoutouts to my mom who wanted the doors off of my ikea cupboards so she'd have a matching set for the ones I left at home (the kind I had wasn't in store anymore) bc her offering to drive me to Ikea to get replacements triggered a bit of a binge in rearranging my whole apartment and let me transport the new stuff home too. Visiting my brother made me cook more and eat healthier bc he showed me the burgers he's cooking up when he needs something fast but like, with standards.

anyways. rambling. point is that the whole thing got me thinking about other things in my life that I'm kinda 'eh good enough' on, and the big one there is my identity and my body. Me being cis is, at least at this point, a conscious choice born from indifference, the factory settings work well enough and it'd be effort to even start looking into what I'd have to do to change them. But at the same time, it doesn't feel super cis for my position to be "yeah I'd prolly trans my gender if given the chance but that sounds like I'd have to file shit and call people and bureaucracy would be involved. But I would. But the effort." like I'm remembering Ranma 1/2 from my childhood and think that'd be neat to be able to do, just switch genders at the drop of a literal bucket, I feel that's not a very cis thought.

so then about two weeks ago my workplace gave us access to some health benefits, because they're feeling bad about keeping the warehouse people a bit out of the loop and removed from the office people, and also they're having trouble finding new people and really don't want any of us to quit, or something along those lines. Point is I have better health insurance now, based on a calender year budget, so I basically have an above average budget for the second half of this year now and I wanna make use of that, because it's a use-it-or-lose-it kinda deal. Now I don't know if I can use that for any gender affirming stuff, but I might.

The problem that remains is that I still couldn't care less for going through the whole rigamaroll of a social transition, but like. staying on-paper cis and continuing to use my given name to avoid all those complications, legally still being the same person and just looking different (might need a new ID if I go that far lol) doing whatever the fuck I want with my body in the meantime without it ever affecting my legal identity because it's not a deadname if I'm still just using it, it doesn't actually give me dysphoria, and they can't force me to change my name just because I have boobs, might be what I want? And then maybe I can consider a legal gender and/or name change from there?

idk on one hand it sounds like something I'd want to do but on the other hand I also feel it's not like, committed enough? like both on a practical level where I need a doctor to help me transition physically while still using the same (male) name, and on an ideological level where it feels like appropriation in a way to just want the body and the appearance but skipping over the whole paperwork thing because I can't be arsed while for a lot of people changing name and officially recognized identity is a just as if not more important aspect of transitioning.

genuinely can't tell on my own if that standpoint is a valid one, if I'm right to be hesitant for that reason or if that's an exclusionist brainworm take, would appreciate feedback and second opinions on that part especially

either way I am going to look into using my newfound health benefits for getting my facial hair lasered first and foremost because even if I stay physically 100% male that shit is annoying, I don't care for how it looks on me, I feel messy when it's there and can't be assed to shave it regularily. Avoiding effort is a key part of my identity either way whether I'm Cis+ or Legally Cis For Tax Reasons

[flowerkidlove]

Also? I wanna hear about your ocs n fursonas

ook?! (surprised monkey sound)

ocs? sonas? tell you about them you say?

ok ok so i have Elliot (he/him transboy/girl/nonbinary, bicurious/"straight" (queer)) and Sekani (he/she genderfluid pan or bisexual i cant remember)!!! they came from a really bad comic i wanted to make, they were both reapers, based off of the piers anthony series, the book theif and i think one more thing but i dont remember.

Sekani was previously the Egyptian God, Anubis, but i recently thought that calling him my oc while using that name was hella cringe of me, so now she's Sekani!

Elliot died in an accident and (like the piers anthony book) since he was balanced sinful and nonsinful [idfr] he could become a reaper to either let him go to heaven or send him straight to hell

Elliot was also a big trauma dumping character and also helped trans my gender, i love him to death, but i feel bad for him too, he just suffers a lot for me! also. he has a gun. this made him cool. idk why

i dont draw them very much anymore, i can't quite get a grasp on them for some reason, mayhaps my art style changed too much and they just. don't work. i don't use them in anything, but i would like to. i know they have to change, but i'm not ready for that.

they were both previously different characters. Sekani used to be a human sans and Elliot used to be from an undertale au called "undertaile" (i found out about the porn name............) where. i think? one of the guard dogs had children with a human and also the final boss was the annoying dog?????????????????

ANYWAY Elliot came from my oc for perseverance: Emily! two VERY different characters now, but! hey, that's growth for you!

i also have an animatronic janitor horse name Plinko Horsington (he/him loveless aromantic lesbian)! he's from Security Breach and liked to flirt with customers just to see their reactions, fuckin with them! but i didn't really have much from there that i remember!

then there's Axin (she/her transgirl anthro mouse), Candy (she/her, sweet/sweets genderfae anthro bunny) and Yvonne (xe/xem nonbinary crow? blackbird? idr) they were a polycule, not much on them

i dont remember a lot of my other oc's, they didn't stay for very long in my head, so i can't talk about any of them

ok! for! fursonas!

Axin used to be a fursona! back when i wasnt nonbinary, in! highschool! then i changed her name and made her an oc!

Flower Blue! the bunny in my icon! the icon is made by clownkiwi on here, deh good tumblr! but they're my main sona, i want to get a partial of them, i like using them as The Guy for everything!

then there's Candy Lovestruck (she/her, cupi/cupid/cupids, it/its), a lovecore based mouse fursona! cupi was just someone i needed to put a bunch of pink into the design, tho i think i need to add more details to the design!

and then theres this dog one that! i wanna make more things about, but im not ready to talk about that one i think

ok im all done now :3

[wandaxpietro]

How different would Pietro/Quicksilver and Wanda/Scarlet Witch be if they were like... born into a different sex(????) (Wait let me properly explain-)

Alright, since there are multiple universes or 'multiverse', there's definitely a universe where Pietro-was-born-a-girl and Wanda-was-born-a-boy.

So how different would Male!Scarlet Witch and Fem!Quicksilver be from their universe counterparts? What names do they go by? Would they still go by "Scarlet Witch" and "Quicksilver"? What physical and personality traits do/don't have in common with their main counterparts? What would be their dynamic or their relationship be like? What would be their view(s) on the world or everyone around them? etc etc

This is such a long-ass question/s and i'm sorry cuz I know this is gonna be a pain answering (if this'll ever get answered at all) but i wanna see if anyone else thought of this cuz this has been on m mind for weEKS- and btw! I am so sorry if this ask sounds "anti-trans" or "pro-cis" (eughh) this is not my intention, I genuinely just wanted to share this idea and wanted to see how other ppl take their views on the maximoffs

ok so first of all there's actually a canon universe where they're genderswapped (and magneto is also genderswapped) but i forgot which universe that is lmfao. i quite like its quicksilver design -- as in, it's pretty much unchanged, she's just a woman but she still has short hair and the same uniform style etc -- but i'm not too fond of its scarlet warlock (< i'm pretty sure that's what he's called? which is also a stupid name lol) design. it keeps wanda's long hair & general costume, from what i remember, but it adds a beard and chest hair and he's also super bulky (also from what i remember) which doesn't seem very fitting to me.

second of all, i've actually been thinking about this recently, too (for fic related reasons), but only about fem!pietro lmfao!

so, let's get my thoughts:

one thing i have a problem with with genderbends is names, actually, so it's funny you'd ask. there's no fun in me to "switch" the names around to similar sounding names of the opposite gender, it's weird to me, i just want the character name to stay intact, you know? i can deal with it sometimes, but that's only rarely. which is why i don't think about genderbends as much as perhaps i'd usually do, and if the name works as a genderbend still, then i just keep it. for my hypothetical fem!pietro exploration i honestly would just keep pietro. why does she have a boy name? who knows. who cares. lol. if you'd ~really~ want to change their names, the first ones that would come to my mind are petra and walter but i don't like those. not for them. i just don't! (though petra is better i guess. walter is pretty bad. sorry to anyone named walter i'm sure it fits you it just does not fit wanda).

as for code names, i think quicksilver works. i don't think she'd go by anything else, it's pretty unisex. scarlet witch obviously isn't unisex, but depending on how swag male wanda is he'd maybe go by it anyway. as i've mentioned the scarlet warlock is pretty bad -- warlock is not the female version of witch in any way lol -- and i also feel a lot of wanda's character depth would disappear without the added layer of sexism with the term "witch", but i guess that's just the way it would be with male wanda. the scarlet wizard is alright, i suppose. it's not the same thing, but again, there's not really any male term that captures what "witch" specifically means, and wizard is also unisex, so.

as far as personality goes, i think i'd keep as much as possible from the 616 versions. fem!pietro can still be impatient and grumpy and suspicious and love so much she breaks herself apart on it. male wanda can still be deeply good and compassionate, place so much importance on family, can still have a short fuse and fall into self-doubt easily, idk. some of the protector dynamic with pietro would get lost, i think -- while she would probably still view herself as her softer (< her opinion) brother's protector, she'd probably be less confident (not that 616 pietro is very ~confident~, but he doesn't shy away from confrontation, is what i mean) with taking up space after growing up as a woman, but probably not by a lot. other people would probably take her less seriously as her brother's protector though, probably; and i think wanda also wouldn't view her as such, even when he obviously would still treasure her a lot. their dynamic specifically would stay largely the same, i think. super close and super explosive, too, at times, but they know each other best. i don't see how their sex would change much about that, except that their experiences growing up would obviously be a little different like this. but -- despite what many marvel writers seem to think -- nothing about wanda and pietro's dynamic has anything to do with sexism (though pietro's need to protect wanda is probably something of a "i'm a man"; i still can't imagine fem!pietro would feel less strongly about this, especially her brother in this case is a bit different than that typical "man" picture), so that wouldn't really change.

as for their views of the world and the people around them; i think pietro would be more suspicious than he is in 616 (for obvious reasons), while also perhaps being less paranoid about wanda (not because pietro looks down on wanda for being a woman, but because a lot of the world does, and that would fall away in this case), but only slightly. i don't think wanda would change much in this regard. i suppose he'd be less suspicious, but they'd both still experience racism and bigotry growing up in europe, so i don't see that changing much. wanda still loves the world and its people with all his heart but can't be around them too much (introvert) while pietro also loves the world and its people but she's more grumpy about it. because she also hates them all (extrovert) lmfao.

last but not least! appearances. in my ideal world, fem!pietro is virtually unchanged. she has short hair (better for running), she is lanky, she has runner's legs, she has sharp features. male wanda is more difficult for me to imagine. long hair, probably, but i wouldn't mind short hair. a similar style of costume. no beard!!!! my god. he'd probably wax or something so no chest hair, either, idk. he probably paints his nails. he's very very pretty. beautiful man. not exactly tall but also not exactly short. either skinny (not a physical fighter) or chubby (not a physical fighter) or something of the like, but definitely not muscular. but he's obviously trained in hand-to-hand combat like 616 wanda, obviously. etc. also male wanda would be a very gentle dom to fem!pietro's brat i know it in my heart. she still feels like she has the world on her shoulders so it's nice to be able to lie back, etc. anyway i think that's all my thoughts for now lol

[malocclusive]

Big queer gender rambling, just a lil vent. Not angry or sad, more just release I guess hah

H put on a video essay about queer horror and auhhhhhh

Everything boils down to the whole "am I trans enough" thing, but also my own relationship with gender. Idk man. I don't know how I feel, I just don't want my gender to be something taken into consideration when I'm perceived. I don't DISLIKE femininity, it just makes me uncomfortable with all the baggage it prescribes to me.

Listening to this sort of thing always makes me feel dizzy when I watch/listen to it with a cishet person. Ive obviously rarely been in that situation, but it's like this weird visceral pleading that they take something away from it and understand a little bit more? It's like a combo flight/fawn feeling with a yearning for understanding that is completely up to the other person. Haha typing that out physically relaxed me a little, which is weird. I guess journaling is good, thank Christ I got back on Tumblr. Having your existence cradled in someone else's hands is a weird feeling.

I kinda wish I had transitioned and all at the beginning of last year, since I changed schools, and didn't have a presence. I don't really get upset when referred to as my given name (dead name? Idk if I even wanna go by Mal, but I like it and it makes me happy when I hear it) or feel anything about it. Same thing with being referred to as "she" as opposed to "he/they" I was thinking about this while driving yesterday, and how to explain it to a cishet person, especially one I know. It's sort of like if you were to only refer to someone you know as "that person". It's a neutral statement, but it doesn't make you feel seen or understood. "yeah, that person is my coworker" is a lot more alienating than referring to them as how they're asking you to. It's not offensive, but it shows you don't care about how they view themselves or want to be seen. Hearing people refer to me by Mal and they/he just makes my ears perk up and my tail wag a little bit. That's just kinda what it feels like. I don't get upset or feel bad being referred to as I have been for the past 32 years, but that's just how it's been. I'm excited for what can be.

I think it's just the whole waiting process for gender affirming care is the hardest part. I'm ready to go, baby! But I understand that I have to rely on others and their schedules for my top surgery and all. I'm not upset, it's just a mildly disappointing fact and state of reality. I've never used a binder because of my extreme dislike of feeling my breasts sagging and being pressed against my ribcage. I barely can stand not wearing a bra/sports bra/built in bra cami because of that feeling. I don't like them being pressed down lower, and am blessed that they're "perky" especially for their size. They're also fucking massive, especially compared to my ribcage, and I know I couldn't really "pass" wearing a binder. I'd just look more cylindrical than anything. Never bothered trying because of that. Honestly, I'd rather exist as is than introducing further dysphoria in that way.

I also love that I'm constantly telling myself I don't experience dysphoria when I also realized in the past 7 years or so I just avoid looking at my body or photographing myself anywhere below my armpits. Originally I thought it was because I'd gained weight, but nah, that's not it. It's part of it, but honestly I just hate having tits hahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Just 10 more days before I get my consultation. I hate waiting for things to happen, but I'm SO excited.

Just in general, I'm extremely desperate for my feelings to be validated. I (usually in all things) know how I feel, but need someone to say the same thing without much prompting for me to believe it. I'm 110% the type to decide not to drink, but then give in the second I'm offered something. I'm very easily swayed towards something I already want, but will abstain unless it's reinforced. I need to be told I'm a good person, and that I'm also correct in whatever I'm thinking. I think that's also the hardest part of all this transitioning stuff. There is no correct answer, and whether or not someone else thinks I'm whatever enough doesn't really matter. I just have a real hard time with it

I know I'm not alone in that, but there's that hahaha

I'm also SO excited to come out at school to my students. I have/interact with a good hunk of trans kids, and I think they'll be as excited as I am. Idk, just to feel seen, I would have loved that when I was their age.

Told a college friend of mine I was transitioning, and she was one of the first to say "I'm not surprised". I literally wore a suit to my junior prom, which my Gramma was so concerned about, she called my psych teacher (who was running the event) to know if I would get kicked out. I refer to myself as a dude (I can't tell you how obnoxious it is to say "I'm the king of _______" and some acquaintance/coworker goes "queen" as a correction. What the fuck? Did you think I don't know what I'm saying? That I forgot? I made a choice, dingus) all the fucking time around everyone, why is that dismissed? Like even close personal friends are like "oh, wow". Bro, you've been around since I tried referring to myself by gender neutral pronouns, I just didn't have a big coming out or constantly correct you. But I think that's just asking a lot of someone to keep tabs on when you bring something up and then get disappointed and stop bothering.

Hopefully being visually confusing will give folks enough cognitive dissonance to second guess and ask me.

Idk where I'm going with this any more.

[cepheusgalaxy]

I... something's weird

My mom started using the pronouns I asked her to a while ago... and it doesn't feel right? Like, probably it is because I'm not that used to it so I need a period of adaptation... but what if it's not? Like, my disphoria did't come that much from pronouns but I still don't wanna use she/her... or do I? Do I really wanna use he/him or I'm just going along with the "boy = he/him" logic??? I've tried they/them some times too... but it felt so bad. But thinking of it now, it may be becaude I always heard it with sarcasm? As a joke. As an insult. I also love my mom, and I know she's trying to help... but she keeps reminding me that its hard to keep up when I change pronouns and it makes me feel guilty... I've kept he/him for now because I thought that's what I wanted? But I'm not sure anymore. And regarding my name... I know I've chosen Heron but is it really the right one? Like... I didn't mind it much but lately i've been feeling so annoyed at it... It's a fine name and I liked it even but not anymore. I guess that's normal? I kind of hate it when certain people use it. And i like these people, a lot. But then theres my dad... He calls me by this name with such affection and I don't feel uncorfotable at all. Every time he calls me I think of that. Should I really change my name at all? I don't wanna hear that hesitation my mom has when she calls me a he. I still like it when my dad calls me by my birthname. Should I change names and have just him call me by that? Should I give up on Heron? Maybe I shouldn't even be worrying about that. I only figured that I was trans a few months ago... it hasn't even been a year. People take a lot of time to figure out that. But I don't wanna wait.

I know I'm trans, but am I in the way I thought I was? I usually have a first thought regarding a thing but then I dismiss it. And all the time I end up coming to that same first conclusion. When I first started questioning I went with lots of "complex" nonbinary genders, what if I was right? Maybe I'm more genderfucked than I first thought.

But I guess I'm afraid too. I'm afraid of labelling myself and exploring because people won't get it. And I know I shouldn't be tinking about anyone but ME when it comes to that but I can't... I'm not exactly out in school. Some of my friends know I have something going on and i "look" kinda queer but I just left things with a "yea im a little bit gay maybe" and I can't help but think that if I label myself with a weird gender nobody will get it and ill just feel even more misunderstood.

I know I'm masc. But how much?

Where does my disphoria comes from? Where does my euphoria comes from? I wish I had the answers and why is it so hard to choose a name

Perhaps I should go with something longer. I also kinda like "international" names. Maybe something with 'a'? To match my birthname. I still like it. Even tho I hate it.

Avalon? Idk what kind of name is this but it sounds great. Amy? Amelie? Is it fine by me if I go by a gendered name? Why is it so hard?

I wish I knew more people like me. Personally. I just feel so lonely. I like to be alone a lot of the time but sometimes I just feel like im never with anyone that gets it. Sometimes I feel like im kind of a bad friend because--along other reasons (im terrible at comforting people or helping when theyre upset...)--sometimes i don't really wanna hang out with them because we barely share any interests. I have this one friend i love to hang out wit because we share the same passions and can do nothing or anythimg together but with my other friends-i like them sm but we don't really connect. They keep saying im gifted or somethinf cuz i can draw, they never shut up about how im oh-so great with art and i do a doodle and theyre like "OH wow what a masterpiece" and im doing an illustration for the sake of it, to feel good for making art, to make my world a little prettier with the colors i chose, decorating my homework or whatever and they all "woah you didn't have to humiliate us" every time! Its annoying! I hate it! We don't share anything, they like doing things that are not completely my thing-i mostly do them for the sake of hanging out with them because i always have such a great time-they have lifes completely different from mine and available at different times. Do you know that "you didn't really have a childhood if you didn't do x or y" meme? I HATE it. Cuz i didn't do x or y. It makes me feel so dismissed. So different. And most of my friends DID do x and y so i don't share that with them. I'm just so tired of being different all the time. I wish I was surrounded by more people like me. Maybe this will sound really gen z but idk what i'd do without social media. I'd prob feel even worse.

And my friends have struggles so different from mine. They don't have nice homes. They had such a troubled childhood. They had different joys too. They had sleepovers, childhood friends they grew up close to and still are close friends to this day and are so comfortable around each other and always went to the same school. I didn't really have this kind of friend because my mom didn't know in what school to put me at the time so i never stayed in one school for more than one year. My most was 2. And they're all cishet. They're all allo-i mean, exept from one. And i am so afraid for her. She goes around using she/her, once she told she'd like to go by he/him, we talked about gender sometimes and we saw that she liked the bigender label but her family is super religious and her therapist is also from her church and does "spiritual healing as well as mental" and she said she was over being bi because christians shouldn' be bi and--anyways i... and i don't know how to help my friends and they have so many problems and they don't know how to help me and i don't really talk about my problems with them and i don't know if i trust then enough to... share it all and i just wish i had more queer friends and people who understood me because i always feel so unseen ;( and lonely. And miserable.

And my mom-i just, and my dad, they are divorced but they keep bringing each other up and long story short theyre driving ne crazy they don't like each other but they can never get along and they keep dragging me and my siblings to their long ENDLESS conversations about the other one and im SO DONE I JUST WISH THEY COULD IGNORE EACH OTHER AND COLABORATE

And were traveling-my siblings me and my mom and everytime we do she always plans out everything but she doesnt really gives us freedom to have free chill time when we're there because everything is just so tightly scheduled planned and thats something really minor but i really need free chill MY tine EVERY DAY to recharge, even if it is from fun, to write, draw, read, do whatever i want-and me and my mom have ideas of fun so different and UGH

And she keeps calling me he and she is technically being supportive and avoiding misgendering me but WHY DO I FEEL SO UNCONFORTABLE?? And i shouldn't be mad at her because she is technically doing the right thing but :( i need to figure things out for myelf, find a support group because I REALLY need to surround with my kind and then tell her how it turns out for me.

I just-it's so hard being fourteen, when will this stop?

[clair0se]

Hello! It is me again! Wow! You are trans! Wahoo! How did you figure it out? Gender is very confusing. I don't get it. (I recently found the song "Gender Is Boring" by "She/Her/Hers" and the second verse sort of encapsulates some of it if that makes sense.) You are HRTing! You have HRTed! You are now an HRTer! Woooooo! Also! Your HRTday and my birthday would be on similar dates! Yip!

uh, i figured it out through a lot of thinking and putting that girl (myself) into situations. i'm big on like, analysis of media and what not, so i'd do the aforementioned situation-ing, and then decide what it meant to me. like, shaving body hair. i liked it, even so when i considered myself a guy (but also my legs are wayy to fucking sensitive for that shit lol). i like, changed the way that i would talk (as in, speech patterns, not changing the pitch yet). grew my hair out (quarantine was helpful here lol). ya just, idk, fucked around and found out. and once i had doing that for a while, i sat on my thoughts for about another year making up my mind. and Then i sat on the made up mind for a year to be certain i was dialed in onto what i was before coming out to anyone but the closest of friends. and ya know, still not 100% dialed in. which i think is a good thing. because, even though it's hard for me to rember, it's important to not close my mind. so like, i am fairly confident i have the Basis down. but i've been thinking of dropping the e at the end of my name and being clair cuz it's slightly less fem. and i think i'm slightly less fem. like, the goal is toeing the line of androgyny, but from the Other side. yk?

and speaking of music, i apologize but i will likely not listen to that song in a time relevant to reading this ask. i, don't believe in streaming services. period. (except for me watching breaking bad with my sibling but that's a bonding activity and literally no one is perfect). and so i listen to all my music on cds. and that makes me slow to pick up new bands. but i Do do it. so probably some day i will listen to she/her/hers and hear that song 👍💥

and wow! it also lands close to my birthday lmao (but ironically, a little bit before. it was, an arbitrary time that happened to be close to my birthday rather than me, waiting until my birthday happened to be Able to do hrt by my own accord. that was due to the, previously mentioned, sitting on thoughts and feelings and brains). and, in extra funny fashion, my birthday is 9/11. surely nothing else in history has happened on that date.

also, can i ask you questions? (she asks rhetorically like, 2 (run on) sentences before she does end up asking questions.) i genuinely don't care that you're choosing to remain anonymous cuz like, what ever floats your boat 👍 and i also don't care that the platform for this conversation happens to be my blog. literally other than the sounds post, it's pretty much crickets and tumble weeds over here and if people don't want to have long ass text posts answering anon's on their dash, i am at peace having less followers lmfao. also, no pressure if you don't wanna answer a question. you can ignore any or all of them and i will be none the care-er. but uh, yeah, i'm really curious if you play celeste? cuz though i Talk about among us a lot more, celeste is the game that i actually Play. and honestly, that was the only question for now 💥 i need to eeeeeep. if you wanted to, you could tell me what time zone you're in. time zones make me happy. (i literally don't care where you live i Promise and if you don't wanna answer what like, slice of the world you live in i TOTALLY get it. just thought i'd throw it out there). ok,

[ventura-starlight]

SONGS THEY WOULD POST YOU WITH

ngl I love this format of headcannons. so simple, so calming. idk it's just beautiful 😌 anyways I'm back on my bs. Next week is gonna be hell for me and I probably won't write so I'm trying to feed you guys now 😭 I tried to keep these gender neutral but the pronouns in songs aren't normally like that so I failed here 😭😭 please enjoy these nonetheless loves <3

Cupid's Chokehold by The Gym Class Heroes: "I mean she even cooks me pancakes, and Alka seltzer when my tummy aches, if that ain't love then I don't know what love is..."

->noya, hanamaki, ARAN, kyotani

More Than A Woman by The Bee Gees: "Oh, say you'll always be my baby, we can make it shine. We can take forever, just a minute at a time. More than a Woman, More than a Woman to me..."

->YACHI [I love her so much], oikawa, GOSHIKI, BOKUTO, hinata

Good Old Fashioned Loverboy by Queen: "I'd like for you and I to go romancing, say the word your wish is my command. Oooh Love, Oooh Loverboy, Whatcha doing tonight? Hey Boy!"

->TENDŌ, atsumu, sugawara, LEV,

I Wanna Be Yours by The Arctic Monkeys: "Secrets I have held in my heart are harder to hide than I thought. Maybe I just wanna be yours. I wanna be yours, I wanna be yours, Wanna be yours...."

->SEMI [I'm back on this bullshit 😭😭], MATTSUN, kageyama, shirabu [it's just a vibe idk], SAEKO, suna

Adore You by Harry Styles: "Oh honey, I'd walk through fire for you, just let me adore you, Like it's the only thing I'll ever do, like it's the only thing I'll ever do"

->HINATA, yaku [awwww], ASAHI <333, sakusa

Mrs.Officer by Little Wayne: "When I get up all in ya, oh we can hear the angels calling us, and we can see the sunrise before us, And when I'm in that thang, I'll make that body sang" WEE Ooh WeeE OoOOh WEEEE ooooHh

->TANAKA [cheeky mf], NOYA [cheeky mf pt.2], terushima,

Looking Out For You by Joy Again: "This is a love song for a girl, who will never know it's about her. I know it's pretty stupid but I'm much to shy too tell her. She's beaming with that smile all the while, I'm all tripped up on my own throat, I guess there is no hope"

->kunimi, KENMA, YAMAGUCHI, ATSUMU,

Nothing by Rex Orange County: "Nothing seems to be as floral as you baby, A scarlet love and dew-light touches were so sacred. I could never leave your face, Shower you with my warm embrace babe. And I still see that in your eyes, I hope that nothing will ever change" [I love this song so much omfg 😭]

->KIYOKO, akaashi, OSAMU, OIKAWA, yamaguchi, tsukishima

I Will by The Beatles: "Who knows how long I've loved you? You know I love you still. Will I wait a lonely lifetime? If you want me to I will. For if I ever saw you. I didn't catch your name. But it never really mattered, I will always feel the same. Love you forever and forever, Love you with all my heart, Love you whenever we're together, Love you when we're apart"

->AKAASHI, TSUKISHIMA, yahaba, osamu, SAKUSA, [my babies, lemme cry, 🏃‍♀️💨]

I hope you guys enjoyed these :)) it took so long 😭 I'm gonna go on a short break to focus on some school stuff but I'll be back in about a week <33 @littlehedgies @risjime

[latent-thoughts]

hii so sorry if this is a stupid question or what, but im just genuinely curious... Is it wrong to refer to the female version of Loki as 'Lady Loki'?? because i was on twitter a lot last year (especially the time when the Loki show was running) and someone said that it was "wrong to call her 'Lady Loki' because we don't call the male version of Loki as Guy Loki/Male Loki/etc. so why do we have to refer to her female version as Lady Loki?" basically they said something like that.. and then that tweet blew up and then people started attacking other users that refer to her as 'Lady Loki'.............and i was just genuinely confused the whole time because.. well, i thought she's referred to as 'Lady Loki' because she's royalty and it shows respect like Lady Sif, Lady Jane, etc. so idk. im confused.

Honestly, it all boils down to intent. Other than that, it's just semantics.

IMHO, Lady Loki is not wrong, per se, and honestly, it just has a nice ring to it. I guess that's why it stuck and grew popular. It's used as a distinction from simply Loki, because it's a simple gender signifier. Loki likes to change into a woman whenever he wants, so I'm assuming that people have just adopted a way to honour that change without sounding like douchebags. Or it could be that since he mostly remains a man, 'Loki' is used for that form as a default.

Though, that's not a solid answer either, and as I'm not an avid comics reader, I'm not sure if the root of using Lady actually lies there. (Perhaps @worstloki @stellophia @lucianalight can throw some light on the issue.)

Though if we're getting technical over honorifics, it should be Princess Loki, as goes the title of the offspring of a king. The term 'Lady' is for someone in the nobility, not royalty.

And if Loki is ruling a realm, it should be Queen Loki.

Now, coming to writing in stories, especially where dialogue is involved, I don't use Lady Loki when I'm writing Loki as a woman. It just reads odd and even clunky. Here, the logic of 'why don't we call him Lord/Prince Loki when he's a man' applies. Unless it's a setting where he's called his honorific, it just looks weird. So the same thing applies when Loki is a woman. I simply write Loki there, or use my writing skillz to signify that Loki is a woman.

Now, if people wanna fight over this issue, they can totally fight and be nitpicky about it. I don't mind using Lady Loki as a casual gender signifier. But that's just my own opinion.

I hope that somewhat answered your question. That being said, I'm a cisgender woman, and perhaps missed some points. So I'd also love to get the response of my genderqueer moots on it.

PS- Jane is actually never called Lady Jane by Thor in the movies. He mostly used her full name. That's just fanon. :P

[sotorubio]

I know its not the point of the post and is pretty minor but you mentioning Lou using a neutral nickname over the feminine name the teacher says, reminded me of how annoying it was to see how she’s listed in the finale credits. Idk if its a deadname if she’s cis? But it was pretty surprising considering this is supposedly a season about being trans. Even if she’s cis, it still doesn’t sit right that she insisted on using one name and showed distaste for the other (and the gncness of her preference and her character can’t be ignored there) and then its framed just as a nickname? Idk. So many things this season were off.

oh yeah absolutely! i thought so too. like not once was she referred to by her full name by the other characters (at least not that i know of) so it's strange that they still kept that in the credits especially since after hearing lou turn down her "real" name n call herself smth else, isi also introduced themselves as isi (as early as ep 1!) which i thought is pretty significant n speaks volumes abt the importance of lou's name. whether or not it should be considered a deadname i'm not sure since it seems that she's supposed to be read as cis (? maybe. i think so) but cis ppl can be uncomfortable w their given names too & not want to use them or even get them changed so that decision should be respected regardless of gender.

like the whole scene where lou helps isi dress in all the crazy outfits n tries to show them it's okay to be who u are screams "everybody has the right to express themselves however they want" and should be enough to view her name as smth she has chosen for herself bc that's more who she is. her experiences are clearly similar to isi's so her name should get the same treatment.

actually, this is a bit off topic n feel free to stop reading but since we mentioned lou being cis (or not), i wanna bring up my annoyance w this too like... in the first clip she was in i think we all assumed she was also nonbinary? and was going to be a role model for isi or just the sort of person to open that door for isi, a bit like eskild. and yeah she sort of did do that, she was an integral part of isi daring to be themselves more but her gender identity was never brought up at all which is kind of a problem imo regarding the fact that isi's identity was barely explored either.

bc due to the lack of talk abt lou's gender i assume she's supposed to be cis. and i mean not every form of representation has to be explicitly stated on screen but u'd think that if the person helping a nonbinary person live more freely as themselves is also nonbinary, they should mention that... like the whole point of isi & lou's friendship is that they're very similar their experiences overlap, the gnc clothes, just unusual style in general, using a different name, getting judged/or being afraid of judgment for being themselves. so... it would've made sense for lou to be like btw i'm nonbinary n then it starts clicking for isi like wait so the first person who truly understands this side of me and who i relate to is nonbinary? could this say smth abt me?

but bc her identity was never explained she just comes off as a cis gnc girl (and now to make sure everyone here has reading comprehension: i don't mean that being cis is the default for characters or that they can't be trans unless explicitly stated to be so, but the whole paragraph above was me explaining why in the context of this specific season, it doesn't work to make her identity subtext and it should be explicitly stated if she is anything but cis) which makes the nonbinary "rep" in the season seem even worse somehow.

like don't get me wrong ofc nonbinary ppl can have experiences in common with cis or trans gnc ppl but since isi never even said "i think i'm nonbinary" or anything like that it's a bit... annoying that the person they relate to when it comes to gender/gender expression is apparently a cis gnc person. bc then HOW are young nonbinary ppl watching the season supposed to make the distinction for themselves like i relate to this but am i like lou who just wants to be gnc or am i like isi who's trans/or how are uneducated but open minded cis ppl supposed to grasp the difference between gnc ppl and nonbinary ppl*. like i'll be honest here. if i didn't know abt eren's identity, i probably would've thought that isi is a gnc guy for the majority of the season specifically bc they get the support and strength from a gnc cis person. n i'd assume instead of struggling w gender identity they were struggling w gender norms. like they rly should've either confirmed that lou is nonbinary as well OR confirmed that shes cis and had isi talk w her abt how regardless of their similar experiences they actually feel like they're not cis.

*and one more media literacy check point bc i don't wanna have to explain my point over and over again: not all shows have to hold the audience's hand and walk them through the identities of the characters. sometimes u have lgbt characters that just exist and fight monsters or go on adventures w/o ever having a conversation abt the specifics of their identity & experiences but skam has always been an educational show and aimed at young ppl to represent them. from my understanding this is even more significant for druck since funk (?) is funded by taxes & their whole thing is making educational content. so in this context it actually is important to explore the main character's identity.

i'm sorry this got so long especially since half of this had nothing to do w ur original ask but i've been thinking abt the whole cis lou thing n this seemed like a good time to write abt it w/o having to make a whole post abt it

[byulsgrease]

duly noted

you've never been one to obsess about your soulmate, assuming you'll figure it out when the time is right. but seriously, what kind of nonsense has yours been writing about recently?

(eventual moonbyul / wheein x gender neutral reader, soulmate!au, trainee/idol!au, ~1.2k words)

a/n: wheein bias wrecker anon! I might've had too much fun with your req and so this is gonna be my first soulmate au 🤠 while byul and wheein don't actually appear in this part (does that make this a prologue? idk), I promise they'll make their appearance soon enough :)

cw: struggles of being a trainee (weight + food talk)

The claps from your dance instructor ring out in the mirrored studio, calling everyone to attention before they send you off for the day. Everyone stands around listening to whatever niceties they're talking about, asking the rhetorical questions of whether all of you want this, how everyone needs to work harder, etc. How many years has it been now, almost three? Evaluations went pretty well recently and you've certainly demonstrated signs of growth since you started, but debut? Who knows. Does anyone, really?

But right now it's late and you're hungry, hoping that your growling stomach isn't loud enough to pierce through the lecture. You're respectfully tuned out anyway, since it's all old news. Nothing you haven't heard before. They clap again once their spiel ends and everyone disperses. Your eyes catch Hyejin's on your way out of the studio, sharing a funny face and an eyeroll before disappearing into the herd of trainees shuffling to the lockers.

Your locker opens with a routine spin of the dial, taking care to slow down and line up the numbers properly so you're not stuck having to do it over again. The inside's pretty cute for a metallic rectangle— it's really the only space of your own besides your notebook. Pictures of your family, old school friends, and fellow trainee friends line the sides beneath a tiny string of battery-powered fairy lights. It's not much, but always a humbling reminder of why you're here.

Unzipping your bag, you take out a pair of slides and drop them on the floor while stepping out of your sneakers. There's not much else in your bag, just a change of clothes and your notebook, of course. Everyone has one. Anything inside could be drawn, written, scribbled, painted. It’s your personal creative space and no one else's, but with two conditions:

You can't write your name in it, not even your initials. Of course everyone tried to as kids against their parents commands, but letters simply sink into the page, disappearing as if they'd never been written at all.

You can only mark up one side. Pages on the right side are for you, and the left side pages fill themselves. Fill themselves with what? you asked your parents. They gave you a non-answer, saying you'd figure it out someday. Great. Only other thing they bothered to tell you was that your right-hand pages were someone's left-hand ones. So someone can see what I put here? Their confirmation sounded rather casual, which you found weird. Someone out there was watching what you put in? But you got used to it, especially since every person owns one. It's a novelty for children anyway. Mark up a page however you want, knowing that someone out in the would will see, and sit back to watch whatever randomness shows up on the left side.

Your left side pages were actually empty for quite a while, save for the occasional "UGGHHH" followed by a typical childish annoyance scrawled messily across the entirety of the page in marker. Not that notebook use was mandatory, but parents usually encouraged it because it kept their kids occupied. There wasn't much you could do about empty pages, nor did you care most of the time, but it did leave you a little jealous of other kids at school who'd sometimes open theirs and be greeted with cute watercolor paintings, mini murals, or skillfully written poetry.

For you, the notebook's served many uses. As a kid it was random doodles and poorly-drawn fantasy scenarios— escapism, perhaps. In middle school it was angsty poems and random journal entries about the random happenings of your life. For the first half of high school it became your to-do list, keeping track of school assignments. And on the rarest occasion, song lyrics. Visual art was never your medium of choice, music came more easily. But drawing staff lines for music notation in the notebook usually ended up being too tedious, so your original stuff was mostly relegated to voice memos on your phone. And now? Who knows. Trainee life may as well be a blur. Sing, dance, talk, eat if you can afford to, sleep, repeat. It's hard to find the energy to write anything most days. Whenever you feel like checking, the left side has random jottings, nearly illegible most of the time.

It wasn't until you got older that you realized that whoever read your entries on the was the same person generating content on the left. And supposedly the person you're supposed to be with for the rest of time? What kind of system is that? I'm just supposed to trust blindly? having asked your parents in exasperation after figuring it out. Again with more non-answers— it had worked for them, didn't it? There's also the obvious question of why people don't just write directly to each other, but whatever. You're still young, no need to obsess over "the one" unlike some of your classmates. If it's meant to be, it'll happen, you figure. And it obviously is, you've got a notebook with (semi-)filled left side pages. What more could you ask for?

The cacophony of clanging lockers opening and closing starts to die down as people leave. Hyejin's head pops out from behind the locker door, laughing in your face when you flinch.

"Ready to go?"

"Yeah, one sec. Man, I'm starving,” you remark while slipping the bag straps on your back and closing the locker door. You don't even want to know how strapped for cash you are, probably in for another night of boiled eggs and canned kimchi.

“Wanna go out for food?” she immediately asks, eyes alight at the prospect of getting to eat something besides convenience store food.

"I wish. Actually, you wish," you smirk with longing in your eyes. The "no" doesn't even have to be said, weigh-ins are way too soon to risk it. She hangs her head, jokingly dejected as you swing an arm around her shoulder to walk out of the company building together.

~~~~

After scrounging up whatever food you call dinner, taking a shower, and flopping into bed, you open up your notebook and grab the random pen laying on your dresser, unsure of what you'll write about tonight. There's chicken scratch on the left page already, ballpoint pen. It's actually legible today, though: In my room every day I see your smile.

What the hell does that mean? Whose smile, yours? You haven't even met yet.

Call me everyday every night, hug me everywhere every time

Utter nonsense. Maybe meeting soulmates is just a huge game of catch-up once everything's finally revealed, surely yours will be. There’s just so many questions. Moving to the right side, you jot down a list of cheat meal ideas along with some assorted notes and pointers from practice that you want to work on tomorrow, drawing little characters next to each list item for fun. After accidentally drawing a random squiggle from jolting yourself awake and feeling the heaviness in your eyelids, you cap your pen and shut your notebook, placing it back in your bag. With the lights out, the last thought you have before sleep consumes you is why haven't you ever tried writing directly to each other after all this time?

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