areallysaddog

[areallysaddog]

our appetites are what make us alive

Oil on wood 9x12

2025

[areallysaddog]

i don't know what to do next. isn't it exciting?

[areallysaddog]

he posted on twt and referred to me as his long distance relationship partner

[areallysaddog]

rain!

[areallysaddog]

[areallysaddog]

friend makes me feel bad so I run to toxic situationship for praise and affection which feels good, thus reinforcing into my neural pathways that friend = feel bad and toxic situationship = feel good. nothing bad will become of this at all I'm sure!!!

[areallysaddog]

I am sorry my sex life makes you want to kill urself #purity #purityculture #sexisacrime #whydontijusthahayknow

[areallysaddog]

guys one day after fingering you on your couch: any,, regrets?

[areallysaddog]

I do not care actually but I have learned about lot about myself i think

[areallysaddog]

i like feeling small. curled up next to him all tiny. i know he likes that too. but he probably likes it in a weird messed up way. and by that I mean sexual. sex and arousal are not weird or messed up. i like the song like we'll never have sex. i like how it feels being curled up to him, sleepy and watching shows. i like how it feels when he takes care of me. i kind of wish i could trust him, or at least just humiliate myself to his friends without having to hear about it. I could say sorry I panicked when you kissed me, it's literally just bc I haven't done that in years and feel like i forgot how. except I can't bc while I know he will be nice in the moment I can't bare to live with the shame of knowing how much joy it'd bring him to share. he told me he told the girl he was with about me. I wish I could share this with my friends, but all of my friends are judging me and I know they are biased against him, instead of just being biased in favor of me. i love my coworkers who told me to go out and have fun but to be safe. they don't care about him. Nai even said he doesn't matter, if he cheated on his last gf okay, if this is what you need right now then this is for you. it's not about him. it's not about him it's about me. I needed to know that I could sit next to someone, knowing they wanted something from me, without feeling pressured to give it to them. I needed to know that I could trust my own physical body in a situation. I needed to know that I wasn't going to betray myself. again. i needed to know i can take care of myself. this isn't about youw or your friend who's ur enemy. this isn't about him. this is about me repairing my relationship with myself. trusting myself. I'll call off in the morning because I want to see. he thinks this is getting more serious or smthng. if I just avoid the pressure I'll never know how to handle it. I need therapy to deal with him AND youw. I. i think i could navigate him if YOUW weren't holding me back. I got so fucking anxious about you tonight I told him he should be worried about you. not as blunt as that and I'm sure he didn't take it seriously at all but. fuck. im am adult and I can make my own choices. that means I need to live with the consequences of my own actions too but. fuck. cutting me off bc I wanted to see if I had healed from being raped as a kid. thats kinda fucking me up mentally. bc even if he was over the moon at "being the trustworthy one after such a tragedy" he'd be fucking nice to me. so what his ego feels huge? does that negate the being nice to me? does that make everything he says a lie??? you would want me to believe yes. I don't want to blindly believe no. I can't find a shade of Grey without talking to him and I can't talk to him without incriminating you. misery sure loves company because random "i am kinda of upset about you rn. I'll explain later." messages is fucking torture. did HE get that message? was it just to ME? my name is redacted and I'm not wrong. I'm not wrong or disgusting or evil or morally bad. I'm a person. a person who wants to heal. a person who thinks maybe I can't heal from a traumatic sexual encounter by myself. it was a two person job when I got raped, even if i dissociated and pretended i wasnt there. if im always alone I'll always be safe. but I need to know if I can feel safe with another person. whatever. fuxk youw x

[areallysaddog]

sigh. I want to make him feel how I felt but it isn't gonna happen. I don't want to have so much negativity in my life. making him miserable would be so annoying to me. I bet I could, if I wanted. play it up real good, be a perfect person to fuck with, and then tell him he's childish and unloveable lmfao. I'd love to be like "heyyyy ik ur a piece of shit, just wanted you to know ur a piece of shit!" or something. lies really do exist to protect us bc im ngl falling asleep at ur desk is kinda a lame ass lie. but the moment I learned it was a lie, damn. damn damn damn did I feel like an idiot.

[areallysaddog]

wowwwwowowowowow idk I forgot. I have human decency, I forgot he doesnt!!! must make him feel really good abt himself to have someone waiting on him while he's out having unprotected sex! which is fine! I am not dating him! but seriously what a dickhead. this is a reminder to me that if he says he wants to hang out, don't bet on it. unreliable. if I don't have expectations I can't get hurt! I say, laughing and not attacked by the fuck you guy. fuck you says the fuck you guy, attacking me. I was then stabbed 47 times.

[areallysaddog]

“Wild Geese”, by Mary Oliver

[areallysaddog]

hey sexy what time do you plan on being done grieving

[areallysaddog]

i don't want things to be so serious. i wish we could all be good people and have fun. i want to act a little cringe and not worry about it. i want to get high and eat hotdogs and watch dr. house with a boy who wants to kiss me. i want to kiss someone. i haven't in so long. im going to throw up because it's the only control i have over anything. maybe i do have an eating disorder.

"obvs thinking u want me to burn and die on a cross</3" i am imagining that for myself right now. i wish i could throw up. i don't need to actually throw up. just that feeling where it's out of your control. gagging into the sink and spitting up mucus.

[areallysaddog]

am I losing myself? is the self I'm losing even me? am I brave? I could be a coward. I know my body van be used for good. I don't know how. is it wrong of me to set myself up for failure? maybe the whole time I thought I could fix him. maybe the whole time I thought he could fix me. do I deserve better? does he deserve worse? I don't know. I don't think I can make that call. I find 1000 ways to justify people's behavior. got me in trouble before. maybe I'm doing it again?

[areallysaddog]

flew too close to the sun, am actively on fire and hurdling towards the ground at high speeds