#idk I wish I made her fatter

[fantarain]

A Cleo I sketched in class today

[flutt3rb4tz]

i wanna form an actual opinion on the sh2 remake but god i cant get past how much they butchered eddie's design. he looked like me originally and now hes just That Fat Guy you see in video games, same style and everything. it makes me really sad. not to mention im TERRIFIED of how they'll handle his psychosis

[real-total-drama-takes]

I think another reason why I hate season 2 of the reboot so much is that the betrayal of the season (or misunderstand plot idk) just isn't as impactful

What made Millies plot line so well rounded is because of the fact that it came out last minute, it came out exactly after she had her character arc, she had something planned to proved that she ended up enjoying priya so much more then she thought she would (Honest to god I'm convinced she has a crush on priya tbh), she DID mess up, the narrative actively shows you that this hurt priya but thata because priya doesn't have the full story, and it doesn't last for more then the episode the betrayal happened. Because of the fact that Millie just gets to tell her and priya understands her and they make up, ending in Millie wishing her well In the finally and her and priya hugging it out.

Shes a strong character with complex feelings about her life, she's been bullied, and made to feel horrible, she clearly wasn't ever cared about by the people around her, so she places the expectations and judges people around her so she doesn't have to come to terms with all that's said about her, she barely had friends, honeslty i wouldn't be surprised if she ended up in those scenarios where you're "friends" with someone but then they never invite you to anything. She's a lost and confused teenager writing about how much the world and teens around her suck... because teens did suck to her, they did hurt her.

Caleb does not have this.

Caleb just kind of.. doesn't have the same heavy emotional backstory to justify his actions, sure sure not everything has to be traumatic but it makes him come off as kind of actually sucky, he just uses priya for an alliance (hell to give him some points here I'm not sure if he processes priya liked him) but honeslty it's just not as fun, priya and millie kind of had no one with them, but... people like caleb and priya now, that's why he was picked,he's this convienriyly super nice wet mop man, who after the secret gets out, priya just storms off, but this reveal is pulled too soon.

Im very sorry but for me at least the drag on of priya and calebs misunderstandings plus Julia is just something of pure obnoxious nightmares, it's barely fun and doesn't do anything say if you're like me and barely been convinced this couple brings anything new and interesting to the table (bonus points say if you miss millie and Emma because of the fact they get eliminated so early because the writers don't wanna bother writing the fat women uh oh!!! /that's meant to be melodramatic but like do I have a point they just shafted the more chubbier or fatter women or). Zee gets immediately eliminated after the secret gets out so there's not even them being annoyed at him either?? So it just feels like NOTHING

But then again this is all on thr writers. Honestly it makes me pity what caleb could've been say if they continued his view of something being an alliance rather then a forced romance plot, priya x millie seems much more realistic to me at least but also because I think it'd be fun to explore the fact that proabably caleb might just not be that "perfect guy" he's chopped up to be but then again I want a season that would've focused on Emma and Millie and Axel and Nichelle developing so woopsies maybe I ask for too much

Tldr: Prileb plot is fundamentally weaker then the Prillie plot because it drags and the writers don't actually put effort into writing properly compelling plots because romance = good drama ig.

Note: honest to god my belief is though that you can 100% fix most characters, I write this not because I wanna see characters put down but because of the fact that I boneslty would love to see people do more with the gen 4 cast.

-> Writing On, 🗒 Anon

[honeycoveredporcelain]

So to celebrate the end of term and kick of the the winter break (I work at a college), we are having a potluck. Everyone always makes comments/ask questions about why I don't eat at these things, but I know that I did eat in front of everyone they would be thinking "of course fatty made herself a plate; look at her stuffing her face" or shit like that.

Why do all celebrations have to be food centered??? Why can't we take a celebratory hike, or have a dance party, or idk like anything that doesn't involve sitting around eating for pleasure.

It's so stressful.

I wish I wasn't such a fucking a whale and could just enjoy these things without fear of getting even fatter and without fear of judgement from others for simply eating.

Feels like it's getting harder and harder to lose weight lately. Like it's not coming off as fast and not staying off when I do lose. Sometimes I know I fucked up, but like yesterday I consumed around 1000 and burned around 800 with cardio and walking + had l@x and yet was only down 0.2lbs.

😮‍💨

[whoiskt]

End-of-year questions for 2021 under cut

1: What did you do in 2021 that you’d never done before?

Lots of running related based ones so I'll just say the biggest accomplishment which was running a 5k, without hardly stopping to walk. Got my passport finally. Went the furthest East I've ever been. Finished and wore an entirely handmade cosplay. I worked 9 days in a row which was horrible. See, not all new experiences are good 😅

2: Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

My resolution was to stop saying "I think" so much, especially when I was completely sure. Confidence-based thing yet. I've gotten better but I still mess up.

What matters most to me going into the new year is getting out and doing stuff. I want to go out more and just do more of everything. So, my resolution will probably be something related. Thinking of making weekly goals even?

3: Did anyone close to you give birth?

Nooope.

4: Did anyone close to you die?

Also, no!

5: What countries did you visit?

I stayed right where I am, thank you continued global pandemic.

6: What would you like to have in 2022 that you lacked in 2021?

(Leans into mic) a career, please. AND ALL THE FOO FIGHTERS MERCH (the character not the band)

7: What dates from 2021 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

You overestimate my memory.

8: What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I made a friend :) and many people have told me that the pictures I took of them was their all-time fave which means so much to me 💕

9: What was your biggest failure?

Eh, probably not finding a job still but that's acting like I haven't given up which most of the time I have. I study and practice for interviews but I'm just not a smooth talker. Just isn't cutting it, I guess.

10: Did you suffer illness or injury?

I got sick 3 times this year!! THREE! And they were all pretty nasty. I hate working in retail, oh my god.

11: What was the best thing you bought?

My phone. Although it was a gift... But I was prepared to buy it myself.

I also rocked at Christmas gifting this year. 🤟 Hell yeah!

12: Whose behavior merited celebration?

I love my boyfriend so I'm always inclined to say Will. He's so nice to me 🥲

I also enjoy the people who stand up for themselves. One little example of this was there was a new boss at work who was helping a customer who swore at him and he shut it down like, "Ma'am I'm trying to help you but if you're going to use language like that then we're done here and you can shop elsewhere." Mad respect.

13: Whose behavior made you appalled?

So, so many people. Definitely the guy who was revealed to only being hanging out with us to get to this one girl, cheated on his girlfriend with her, and messed up our friend group. I'd legit slash his tires but I hold back.

14: Where did most of your money go?

Damn, I don't even KNOW sometimes.

15: What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Going back to in-person events. Vacation. Ugh, I just love being in hotels away from home. So magical.

16: What song will always remind you of 2021?

Probably the big Lil Nas X songs released this year.

17: Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? Richer or poorer?

Probably happier? Bring quarantined was not fun. Probably about the same, idk. Also still probably about the same, haha. Richer in having more stuff, I guess?

18: What do you wish you’d done more of?

Chores. But in that way where I more wish they were done by past me rather than current me having to do them. Ya know?

19: What do you wish you’d done less of?

Sweat. 😅

20: How did you spend Christmas?

Usual Christmas with the family back home. I will never do anything different.

21: Did you fall in love in 2021?

I fall more in love everyday and it fucking rocks.

22: What was your favorite TV program?

Some things I enjoyed this year: Mob Psycho, Invincible, HunterxHunter, New Girl, Castlevania, Schitt's Creek, Demon Slayer, The Queen's Gambit, Attack on Titan, and Doctor Stone. Did a lot of rewatching this year too 😅

23: Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Yes 😒

24: What was the best book you read?

I haven't been reading books but I got Dune for Christmas so I'm gonna read that soon. I read Chainsaw Man and loved that, though.

25: What was your greatest musical discovery?

Not sure I branched it too much this year? Or I branched so much out and forgot to discover?

26: What did you want and get?

Foo Fighters merch increased from 2 extremely obscure keychain/figure, to now several things. I haven't actually bought any of them yet though.

27: What did you want and not get?

A jooooooob 😔

28: What was your favorite film of this year?

I have some catching up to do because quite a few films I wanted to see I accidentally missed their run in theaters. Spiderman was pretty good. I'm glad Tom Holland finally got his own movie since the previous Spiderman movies were more about Ironman than him. I also enjoyed Free Guy.

29: What one thing that made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Stone Ocean announcement and first batch of episodes dropped.

30: How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2021?

Target apparel. Pretty much exclusively. 😂 Using that discount.

31: What kept you sane?

Foo Fighters animated. Vacation planning. Periodically melting down. Socializing (even when I didn't want to).

Going for walks/runs.

32: Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

None but I keep seeing the actor who plays Winston in New Girl everywhere in ads and I scream every time. Not for the actor. For Winston.

33: What political issue stirred you the most?

Hm, well abortion access is back under threat this year. Worker's rights. Vaccination. Fatphobia. Transphobia. I don't know I get stirred by a lot of things it's probably not good for me mentally.

34: Who did you miss?

I miss many people. Some I'm not sure I know. Will's in the other room right now and I miss him.

35: Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2021.

It's all about connecting with people who are open to growth. It's about consistently dedicating yourself to personal change. I suck at that but it's true. (Kinda knew this already but! Sometimes you gotta learn a lesson multiple times.)

Not the best year for my social anxiety. It is deadass so hard to become my friend right now because I don't trust anyone. What I realized about closing myself off to people is it doesn't hurt any less when the "betrayal" comes. It doesn't feel like a bullet dodged, it's still a wound.

So, it's not about avoiding people. It's about finding the right ones.

36: Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

[nztsume]

I know this is going to sound whiny and privileged person problems and whatever but I really...

really have a hard time dealing with being attractive.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy the attention (well, I don’t) it’s just that I’m always extremely too aware that this is temporary and it gives me SO much anxiety. I wasn’t pretty, I grew up being ugly (even called the ugliest girl in class one time- by classmates that I’d had for 5+ years lmfao so that’s saying something) but it never bothered me because I WASNT the pretty girl. I wasn’t the cute little kid. Never once a grown up person called me cute out of, um, looks? Because it just wasn’t my shtick l wasn’t the cute girl, I was the smart little girl, the one who could keep up with grown ups conversations, the teen who had a lot of friends because they all thought I was funny or idk interesting or something. I wasn’t pretty and I didn’t want to be. I distinctly remember reading invisible monsters and thinking “I’m glad I’m not her” because I wouldn’t know how to cope with that.

And then I grew up and I lost fat and I did my hair different and suddenly I was pretty. And it’s like an addiction, like now I’m hyperaware of my looks and I can’t I CANT let people see anything not pretty of me. I’ve been losing my mind the last month starving myself half of my waking hours because I gained weight and that makes me have a bit of a chin. I found out the start of a wrinkle in my face and I’ve been panicking for days over it. I put on outfits and regret them half an hour out of home because they show too much and I look fat or they show too little and people will think I’m fatter than I really am and I KNOW THIS IS NORMAL A LOT OF PEOPLE FEEL THIS BUT I JUST... never HAD and I now I don’t know how to deal with them!!!!

Not only that but it took such a huge impact on my relationships. I can’t have over two dates with someone because I feel like they don’t care about what I’m talking about and they just like how I look. I feel like work offers I get, compliments on my work that I get, attention that I get over stuff I do it’s just because of how I look not how I perform. And when it comes to people that aren’t supposed to be atteacted to me (aka friends and classmates) it’s WORSE. I just think I’m boring and annoying and over talkative and I just can’t stop myself and I feel like they’re still around me out of politeness. I literally feel like nobody can stand me, like I’m talentless and like all the success I have now is just going to fade away any second because I’m just not good at anything and I’m so fucking scared. I’m so scared of not being successful because growing up that’s what’s been drilled in my mind I have to be and I WANT to be successful. But I feel like I’m too lazy and talentless to be, and whatever progress I made so far I made it thanks to the wrong reasons.

I feel so stupid all the time. So annoying and talentless. Any comment at me I take it by heart and I twist it until it’s something negative and I just can’t unconvince myself that it’s the truth. And when I can’t twist it into something good I just feel and take it like a compliment out of politeness. It’s even more terribly annoying and frustrating because I CAN RECOGNIZE it’s my mind twisting it but at the same time... it’s like I just feel like it’s the truth!!!

It doesn’t even feel like it’s imposter syndrome because to have it you need to be someone successful or talented in the first place and I’m not Im simply not. Everyone tells me I have potential but I just don’t act upon it. I just can’t. I don’t know how to deal with this and I don’t want to go back to taking full doses of my anxiety oils because they made me gain weight and depression LMFAO I just wish I could make my brain just...... turn off and vibe. I hate this.

[flirting-with-psychology]

Has the person you like ever seen you in your pajamas? Yes

Did the last person you kissed celebrate your last birthday with you? He was celebrating thanksgiving with his parents during my birthday but he called me

What’s the first word of the last text message you received? I

Do you think you’ve changed at all over the past year? I’ve gotten more anxiety and gotten fatter

Is there a song that reminds you of your ex? Do you still listen to that song? I Almost Do, Red, and If This Was A Movie (all by taylor swift). Yes I still listen

Did you tag anyone in your last Facebook status? Not in the post I shared, but in my last original post I tagged my boyfriend

How do you behave when you’re drunk? Usually giggly and overexcited

What is your least favorite type of chocolate? White chocolate

When was the last time you felt disappointed? What was the reason? Disappointed that the gym won’t let me cancel over the phone and might still charge me for february

Is there someone that can make you smile, even when you feel like crying? Not always

Is there a certain person on your mind right now? Tell me about him/her. My boyfriend

You’re getting ready to go to bed, and the last person you kissed shows up, what do you do? Get into bed with him

What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? Being annoyed at my dad’s snoring through the walls

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Maybe

Are you okay right now? I haven’t been okay this whole year

What time did you get up today? Like 1:30

When was the last time you saw your mom? The other day

What is the last thing you drank today? Water

Do you dislike/hate anyone? Donald trump and Mitch McConnell

Where is your best friend right now? At home I assume

When will your next kiss be? As soon as we get negative test results

Will you be up before 7 am tomorrow? No

Does anyone completely understand you? No

Who was the last girl you hugged outside of family? I don’t remember, it’s been a long time

Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? No

What will you be doing in 3 hours? Probably wasting time

How often do you straighten your hair? Never now, I used to when it was short

What are you currently looking forward to? The costume sale that hopefully I will be able to go to

Is tomorrow gonna be a good day? What are you going to do? Lol probably not

Who did you last hang out with? My dad

Did anyone see your last kiss? No

Could things possibly get any better? I fucking hope so

Do you know who you’ll even kiss next? I assume it will be my boyfriend

Do you ever sleep in jeans? No, that sounds really uncomfortable

Name something you dislike about the day you’re having? Stress

Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night? No

Are you in love lately? Not sure

How often do you see your ex? Rarely

Who was the last person to text you? My boyfriend

Did you like anyone last summer? Yes, my boyfriend

Do you replay things that have happened in your head? Yeah

Who was the last person you stayed up with till 2am? My boyfriend

Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend? I enjoy having one

Are you currently in a relationship? Yes

Do you use a full length mirror daily? Most days

Would you be shocked if the person you have feelings for texted you? No

Is there anyone you wish you could fix things with? I would like to reconnect with my friend Shaina

What are you planning on doing after this? Idk

Is there a girl you would do anything for? No

Who IMed you on facebook last? My mom

How old are you? 26

Do you love dogs? Yes

Were you finished childhood and teens when Harry Potter movies came out? No, they started coming out when I was in elementary school

Did you keep all your VHS tapes? Probably

Do you think Jack Nicholson is a good actor? Yeah I think so

Have you ever watched an episode of “The Honeymooners”? No

Have you ever owned a pair of high-top Converse? No

Do you have rain boots with a cute pattern on them? I have cowboy rainboots

Would you rather eat an apple or an orange right now? Apple

Would you rather do a cartwheel on land or a backflip in water? If I could do either of them, a backflip in water would be cool

Have you ever performed on stage in front of people? Yes

Were you kinda scared of the goths in high school? Not scared, just didn’t have anything in common with them

What size is your mattress?(single,twin,double,queen,king) Full size

Do you eat foods from all 4 food groups everyday? Lol no

Do you sleep in PJs? Yes

Do you prefer watching TV or listening to music? Watching TV. Listening for music needs to be accompanied by another activity

Would you rather watch a movie in theatre or at home? Theater is fun, but right now at home

Do you prefer brown or white rice? White

Do you like spaghetti? I love spaghetti

What about lasagna? No, I don’t like red sauce

Do you celebrate Christmas? No

Is your Thanksgiving celebrated in October too? Who does that?

Do you like chocolate bars? Yes

what about ice cream? Mostly, although sometimes the plain flavors are boring

Have you ever been stung by anything? What was it? Wasps a few times

Do you get tired easily? Only in the morning

Or do you always have plenty of energy to spare? No

Have you ever done volunteer work? Where? I volunteered as a teaching assistant What about court-ordered community service? No

Have you ever worn contacts?(even just to try them out) I tried but it made my vision all swimmy

Would you wear contacts on a daily basis? Maybe if I got some that worked

Are your ears pierced? How many times? One on each ear

Do you have GOD-GIVEN(not dyed) natural brown hair too? I have natural brown hair but I don’t believe it’s god-given

Or were you born blonde? No

Have you found a gray hair on your head or body before? I don’t think so. Both of my parents kept their hair color for awhile so hopefully I got that gene

Have you ever had any suspicious moles removed? Yes, on my arm

Have you ever been screened for STDs? Yes

Are all your wisdom teeth pulled? Yes

Did you have your tonsils taken out? No

Did you have your appendix taken out? No

How many kidneys do you have?(have you donated one?) I have both of them

Would you(to save someone)?^^^ I'm not sure. If it was someone I loved and there wasn’t one already on hand, maybe

Have you ever found a bug or slug in your salad? ewww no

Do you like Harry Potter? Yes

What about Twilight? It was ok, I liked it at the time I read it How do you feel about Lord of the rings? I like the movies

Are you going to see ‘The Hobbit’ when it comes out? I did

Do you have a glass that says 'Molson Canadian’ on it? No

Do you have any collector’s glasses or cups or mugs? I have a bunch of shotglasses from places I visit

Would you rather have a white fridge or a black fridge or a stainless steel fridge? Stainless steel

What size shoe do you wear? 7.5-8 womens

Do you have a wide foot or a narrow foot or just average? Kind of dorito-shaped, so some shoe types just don’t fit

Do you bite your nails when you’re stressed? No

Do you have to take an allergy pill daily in order to live normally? No

Are you on the birth control pill? No

Or are you trying to get pregnant? I’m trying not to get pregnant, but I use condoms instead

You’d rather wear black sneakers or sneakers in a bright color or pattern? Probably bright color

Has anyone ever told you they were attracted to you? Yes

Can you swim well in water way above your head? Decently

Are you afraid of thunder & lightening? No

Have you ever experienced an earthquake? No

What about a tornado? No

Are you closer to your dad?(more so than your mom) I’m probably a little closer to my mom

Were you your parents’ first born? Yes

Do you have a child? Is the father still with you? No

Did you trade stickers at recess when you were a kid? No

How old were you when you had your first crush? Do you remember their name? I was like 5 the first time I put a word to it and his name was Aidan, but I probably had sort-of crushes even before that

Can you even remember what the hell they looked like? Blond, bowl-cut at the time. He actually grew up to be really hot so I guess I knew how to pick em

Have you ever operated any type of motorized vehicle before? A car

Are you going to drink alcohol tonight? Maybe

Have you ever heard of the Canadian kids show called “Mr. Dressup”? No

What about the kids show “Fred Penner’s Place”? No

Did you hate Sesame Street when you were little too? A little

Were you born perfectly healthy or with some(or a lot) of health issues? I might have had some minor things

Do you collect DVDs? Not as a collection, but I buy movies I like a lot

Do you download music? Yes

Or do you still go to stores and buy CDs? No, those are like twice as much

Did you skip(jumo-rope) a lot as a kid? No, I was bad at it

Did you ever catch any bugs or insects with your friends as a kid? Only roly polies

Didn’t you just LOVE art class in elementary school?! Yeah

Have you ever played dodgeball? Yes but not well

What about Red Rover? No

Have you ever played “What time is it mr. wolf?”? It sounds familiar but I don’t remember it

Do you hate your weight? Yes

Have you ever struggled with a mental illness? A little

Serious question, peanut butter or nutella? Peanut butter for a sandwich, nutella for eating straight out of the jar

Have you ever stepped on a snail? No

Do you prefer baked potatoes or mashed potatoes? Mashed

Do you prefer ankle socks over regular socks? Ankle socks

Last movie you’ve seen in theaters? I can’t remember

What is your oldest sibling’s middle name? I don’t have one

Have you ever been to Disneyland or Disney World? Both

Would you ever go backpacking across any country? Probably not

Would you prefer to travel around the world by yourself or with a friend? With a friend

Do you like breadsticks? Yes

Do you usually wear shorts around your house all year long? No, but I do wear short sleeves year round

What state were you born in? Colorado

Have you ever had a nose bleed? All the time

How far away do you live from your birthplace? Like 15 minutes

Do you have a weak stomach? No

Do you know anybody who has been diagnosed with cancer? Yes

Have you ever had to take care of an intoxicated person? Yes

Have you ever considered becoming a lawyer? Slightly but not really

Do you *really* like donuts? Yes

Do you think Disney World could ever get old? At some point

If you could, would you hookup with the last person you texted? Yes

What are your favorite things to spend money on? Jewelry and nerd stuff

Will you talk to the person you like on the phone tonight? I am talking to him right now

What do you usually order on a pizza? No sauce, cheese, garlic, pinapple Do you and your boyfriend/girlfriend fight a lot? Not really

Who’s the first person with the letter “m” in your contacts? Mac

Which would you rather have a new puppy or kitten? Kitten

How old will you be on your next birthday? 27 yikes

What color are your underwear? Turquoise

Do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people? If it’s messy

[purplesurveys]

1053

1. What did you do in 2020 that you'd never done before? Other than the obvious getting-a-job and other adulting stuff, 2020 was the year of my first cigarette, the first time I had to use eye drops, the first time I got sick for longer than a day, and the first time I tried my hand in embroidery.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don’t make any because I usually get tired of maintaining them after a few weeks. But idk, last night I had an idea that I want to try a new restaurant by myself every weekend in 2021. It’s very self-care-y which is what I need these days, and it’s definitely feasible now that I have my own money. Given my track record with resolutions I’m not expecting too much, but I still hope I’m able to hold out for as long as I can.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? I know a co-worker became a mom this year, but I don’t consider myself close to her. We’re cool with each other, but that’s about it. Her baby is the cutest though.

4. Did anyone close to you die? One of my great-aunts passed away in April.

5. What countries did you visit? I stayed put here. It wasn’t like I could get on an airplane this year anyway. The Thailand and Vietnam trips are going to have to wait.

6. What would you like to have in 2021 that you lacked in 2020? Me back.

7. What date from 2020 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? March 10 (the start of the lockdown); August 2 (my university graduation); September 15 (the breakup and Angela’s birthday); November 9 (my first day as an employee).

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Being able to be strong enough to stay.

9. What was your biggest failure? Self-harm, or blaming myself.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Yeah I got a UTI early in the year, which gave me a week-long fever. I’ve also gotten hundreds of scratches and play bite marks from Cooper since we got him in June.

11. What was the best thing you bought? My embroidery kits! I bought them on a whim and seriously doubting if I’ll ever enjoy it given my previous hatred for anything sewing/knitting; but I’ve already done two templates and I just ordered two more to do during the holiday break. I haven’t gotten much for myself yet because my first paychecks coincide with Christmas lol, but once the gift-giving is out of the way I want to get myself games on the Nintendo Switch, Airpods, and candles.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Andrew has been incredibly supportive and patient, and has stuck by me through the whole year whether I was on top of the world, stressing out over our thesis, or in my inconsolable black hole of sadness. No clue where I’d be without them.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Gabie, at least by August. I don’t know anyone who consistently let me down in the last 12 months.

14. Where did most of your money go? Christmas gifts for others; for myself, Starbucks coffee and pastries.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Graduating college and sharing my graduation photo with everyone. I remember also having been super excited to work on my birthday gift for Gab, which was to make a short video for her using iMovie (which I had never touched before until then). I was the best fucking girlfriend. Also, getting Cooper!!

16. What song will always remind you of 2020? Not sure. Music wasn’t a big part of my life this year. Maybe Why We Ever by Hayley Williams? I put it on repeat too many times in 2020.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder? A lot sadder.

ii. Thinner or fatter? Said sadness made me lose my appetite and a whole bunch of weight by the latter part of the year. All of my shorts and jeans have gotten loose around my waist, so I’ve definitely felt the weight loss.

iii. Richer or poorer? I’m richer now, but only because I didn’t have a job before and I do now. My family’s finances have taken a blow due to the pandemic, though. I try to help by chipping in for the electricity bill, and buying my family nice food every now and then. 

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Love myself, appreciate myself, thank myself. All the self-love crap I didn’t think I deserve.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Tolerating bullshit I knew I didn’t deserve but kept going with anyway.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? We’ll be with my mom’s side on the 24th; having family come over to our place on the 25th; and will be going to my dad’s side on the 26th. Gonna be the most hectic three days ever and I’m PUMPED tbh lol. It’ll be the busiest we’ve been all year.

21. What was the most embarrassing thing that happened to you in 2020? Meh, I just hated the times I made mistakes at work as I hate fucking up in general and looking bad in front of colleagues.

22. Did you fall in love in 2020? I stayed in it.

23. How many one-night stands? No thanks.

24. What was your favorite TV program? The Crown was, until it got associated with painful memories and I had to put my viewing indefinitely on hold. My favorite show this year would be either Descendants of the Sun or Start Up; both are amazingly good.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I don’t think so. I don’t throw that word around a lot anyway.

26. What was the best book you read? Bret Hart’s memoir was a fun read.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Beach House and Chase Atlantic. ALSO, Twice lolololol

28. What did you want and get? My first job.

29. What did you want and not get? Commitment from the one person I asked it from.

30. What was your favorite film of this year? I didn’t watch a lot of movies this year. I actually think I just saw one?? which is really unlike me; but it wasn’t a big year for film anyway. I have yet to see Ammonite, which I already think I’ll love.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 22 and I just stayed at home with family while my best friend and her boyfriend sent over sushi for me.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? If I got to keep my relationship, which I thought had been faring well until she abruptly pulled the plug on everything.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020? Casual and didn’t really evolve too much considering I didn’t go out a lot.

34. What kept you sane? Good Mythical Morning. I owe my life to them. And embroidery.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I didn’t develop a crush on him until this month lmaaaaaaao but Kim Seon Ho is so so so so so dreamy.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? The shutdown of ABS-CBN early in the year and the US elections.

37. Who did you miss? My friends in my org.

38. Who was the best new person you met? The people at my workplace that I ended up having a great rapport with.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2020: From a tweet I retweeted: “You keep bad people around you and make excuses for their behavior because if you decided to hold even one person accountable, you’d have to recognize the offenses you’ve ignored and accepted. You’ll realize how much you’ve invalidated your own pain to ensure the comfort of others.” It was a harsh slap in the face, but I needed to hear it.

[amnachil]

To the Perfection Chapter 1 Part 9

Me late ? Never :)

Thomas Wednesday February 13

He had always wondered what he could say to a girl who asked him out. I'll hurt them whatever I reply, right ? Usually, he had been trying his best to reassure them, but not this time. This time he just threw her like trash. To be honest, since last weekend, Thomas lived in a world of anger, bitterness and frustrating love. Anger towards everyone, and especially Raphaël. Bitterness against his brother too. I'm mad at him. The worst ? Dan seemed nicer and nicer which each day. And fatter. Being at home with him was hard, because he was so sweet, so understanding... Of course, he had tried to make an apology for Raphaël, and Thomas loved him even more for that. He's the only human part of my brother. Otherwise, he's just a freaky manipulative monster.

"Yo Thomy, we're waiting here." hailed him Joël.

They were supposed to train, right. The ginger smiled to his friend and started to run, the whole team behind him. He could feel Cody's stare behind his back, but he ignored it. You're spying for Raphaël, I know that already. I can't trust you. He sped up to outstrip them. Of course, it was the warm-up and they were supposed to follow, but who cared ? He finished his race far ahead the other. Or at least he thought. Joël arrived at the stadium a few minutes after him.

"That was quite intense." he smiled. "Don't you think it's a bit too much ?"

"You managed to do it." Thomas retorted. "The others should too."

His friend came closer and drank some water.

"The Jessica games ends tomorrow." he said. "And to my own disappointment, you're winning since I didn't have the balls to ask her out. What will you demand from me ?"

"It's a surprise."

The ginger hadn't thought much about it. He started this as a simple game, but right now he was so mad only means things came to his mind. But he looked for it anyway. And it would be nice to teah him a lesson. The others eventually arrived. With satisfaction, Thomas noticed Ilhan was the last, and exhausted. Nobody saw it yet, but he could glimpse a little roll of fat over his short. Seems like I'm having an impact on him...

When he came back home this evening, the young lad was satisfied by his session with Ilhan. He's complying so well to my orders... He wasn't like Cody or Joël, both traitors. It's just wild sex after a good stuffing session. Feelings are not involved, and that's great. Thomas was almost home when he noticed his science teacher coming straight fowards. Damnit. He tried to hide, but Darren saw him anyway.

"Thomas ? It's pretty late to wander around."

It's only 8 pm. What are you ? A nun ?

"I was studying at Ilhan's place." he explained with a smile. "We have a mathematic test coming soon."

His teacher nodded. Apparently, he had drunk because his cheeks were redder than usual. Thomas didn't like his lanky body, but he had cute feature. The girls in their class were always gossiping about him.

"It's nice to see you're opening to your friends." Darren said.

"Yeah... they're... very helpful. You're not coming from the highschool by the way. You were ?"

I know I shouldn't ask that but well... Maybe he would learn something interesting about his lame teacher.

"I was with a buddy, Dan Vince. Maybe you know him, since everyone seems to know eachother in this town ?"

What ? Thomas froze, surprised. Darren and Dan are buddies ? What the hell ?

"Yeah, I know him." he laconically replied. "Anyway, I must go. See you next week sir."

The ginger left pensively. No way I'm letting this awful teacher near Dan. He'll spread Raphaël's word, and I don't want that. His brother was probably always criticizing him, no need for Darren to do the same. I'll have to think about it...

When he finally arrived home, Thomas almost fainted. He just had to enter in the living room, and all his fantasies were reawaken. His dick get hard in one second. Because Dan was lying onto the couch, overstuffed. His belly was incredibly round, forming a wide dome. He was panting, obviously in pain. His tee-shirt was barely hiding anything now, and the ginger admired the soft skin of his friend with amazement. What the hell did he ate ? No... What the hell he's eating ? Because Dan wasn't only moaning with discomfort : he was still wolfing down crips, donuts and cakes which lied around. When he noticed Thomas, he lowered his eyes.

"Sorry burp..." he moaned. "I... burp... can't stop myself..."

As he talked, he took another creamy donut and shoveled it. His stomach produced some painful gurgles. This is... The hottest thing I ever saw... The ginger was short-winded. He couldn't think straight. He came close to the junior, and put tenderly an hand on his overbloated belly.

"Urp... That's... painful..." complained Dan.

But still you're eating. Slowly, Thomas rubbed his friend's stomach.

"It's okay." he whispered. "I'll apease the pain. You really put yourself in a food coma dude."

Yeah, I'll act as a friend. Any normal person would help him, right ? Sure, I'll enjoy every second of it, but it's not like if someone would know....

"Do you want this cookie ?" he asked with a smile.

Dan Friday February 15

This is getting out of control. Completely out of control. Dan took a deep breath and sucked as much as possible. He had to get this pants on. C'mon, fasten already. He tried his best to close the button, without success. I'm just way too big for these jeans. Well, way too big for any clothes from my wardobe... He looked at himself in the mirror. Around chirstmas, he had been quite brawny. Now, he was flabby. His tights was soft and fleshy. His rear too. It's wider than it has ever been... He had little man boobs. But most of his gain went to his middle section, like always. His belly stood out more than he thought. It poked out his briefs significantly. Dan patted it pensively. It feels kind of nice but this is the limit. He probably had exceeded 85 kg (187 pounds) now. Well, the junior liked to be well-padded but he didn't want to be unhealthy for all that. His belly gurgled. He realised he was famished. Damnit. That was the problem... He couldn't stay away from food since Thomas made him indulge with his amazing cooking's skills. He had became more and more dependant, and now he was constantly snacking. Dan's alarm rang. Oh... I'm late, time to go.

He dropped off Thomas at school first. His friend didn't look happy to go, despite his warm smile. Since they were basically living together, the junior was understanding better his friend. I also made a fool of myself in front of him... Thanks god, Thomas took his "out of control eating habit" pretty well. Dan remembered vaguely the ginger rubbing his distended stomach several times these last days. He's a feeder, it's not like he would help me to lose weight... He's constantly providing food, and not the healthiest kind. But I can't blame him for that since I don't say anything.

"Hey Thomy." he hailed him before he left the car. "Is everything alright at school ? You look a bit unmotivated..."

His friend lowered his eyes and pouted. A cute and childish pout.

"There's nothing in particular." he said nevertheless. "I would just prefer to spend my day at home with you... School is pretty lame actually. And my science teacher is being an ass with me."

Dan frowned. He really dislikes Darren uh...

"After all, he's the one who texted Raphaël and put me in this situation, isn't he ?" continued Thomas. "I wish he was nicer with me but like everyone else, he had to be on my brother's side..."

"There ain't side Thomy, you know ?" mumbled Dan. "I don't understand, you and Raphaël have always got along famously..."

His friend smiled. A warm, cheerful and completely fake smile. The junior didn't like it. Why is he lying to me ? When it become so natural to you to hid your feelings from your friends ?

"It was before he began to boss me around. But don't worry Dan, I'll not endanger your relationship with your boyfriend for my personal pride."

Thomas left after this mysterious and a bit annoying statement.

Dan struggled during his presentation. Not because it was difficult, but because his clothes were snug and he was hungry. That was probably why he left Carol afterwards and headed straight to the nearest fastfood. I shouldn't do that. He ordered three menu for himself, and started to eat as soon as his food arrived. He truly was terrible at controling his appetite. But suddenly, his phone rang. Raphaël ? I wonder why he calls at this hour.

"Hi love." he picked the phone up. 'What's up ?"

A long silent followed. A strangely long silent.

"Raph ? Are you alright ?" he asked, more and more worried which each second.

"Dan ? I'm sorry my phone called you by itself." finally replied his boyfriend. "I was resting."

This is weird. Firstly, Raphaël's tone seemed a bit off. Secondly, his voice was cold, and Dan was prey to a bad feeling.

"Sorry I disturbed you." repeated his ginger's lover. "I'm very tired. You don't mind if I hung up ?"

"Not at all, you should take all the sleep you can love."

"Thanks." concluded Raphaël.

I don't like this. Thomas who almost said he hated his brother, and now Raphaël who seemed ill ? Maybe I should go visit him ? But he asked me to stay with Thomas... Damnit, I don't know what to do... Dan had always been undecided. And that was why he eventually chose to do nothing...

To be continued

Nothing much to say here ! Dan’s having second thought on his ever expanding waistline while Thomas is enjoying the show from behind.

Raphaël is being all mysterious like always. By the way I like Joël but idk why :)

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #240

end of the year one!

What did you do in 2019 that you’d never done before? Uhhhh. Wow. I honestly don't really know; not a lot. Uhhhh... oh, I was sexually involved with a girl, I worked at a deli for A WHOLE TWO HOURS!!!!, I'm still a shameful shit that being on that damn pill actually drove me to masturbating for the first time (yes, I know it's not "bad," but), OH! I very recently found myself to relate to Neo-Paganism so kinda identify as that now, I finished a full semester of college, and uhhh. It's funny, '18 and '19 kinda blur together for me, so I can't say with certainty when some certain things took place, so it doesn't even feel right putting them here? Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I didn't make one; I pretty much never do. This year, however, I just might. Like I've always thought "dude it's just another day there is literally no actual difference," but I want to focus on the actual symbolism. No, there is no physical difference, but it's the idea I want to appreciate. I want to make something about self-improvement this year, probably mostly about AvPD and its "I'm embarrassed by myself omg people think I'm weird" factor irl, because that FUUUUCKS WIIIITH MEEEEE. I want to be comfortable as me, y'know? Oh, and I should definitely work on independence. Did anyone close to you give birth? No, but my sister is pregnant. Did anyone close to you die? My dog Teddy. What countries did you visit? I didn't leave and have never left America, yaaaaay. Fun. Adventure. What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019? An income. Let photography go somewhere or some shit, please. What date from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? November 28th, when Teddy was put down. That's something I can never forget. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Said lasting a college semester!!!! I failed my math course as I expected to, but I mean, I lasted. What was your biggest failure? To ME anyway (people have assured me otherwise from their perspectives), it would be the first "professional" wedding I shot. I put so much into that day and the DAYS of post processing, and they never bought any of the pictures. Said they were going to discuss which ones they wanted and get back to me and then poof, vanished. I was very suspicious by another person, I think family, being there taking pictures pretty much just as much as I did, even posing people, and by now I'm pretty sure they used me (or her, idk) as backup. My only guess is my pictures weren't what they wanted so they chose the route of not paying, which, TECHNICALLY, isn't against my terms of service; you just have to pay the sitting fee, you see previews w/ watermarks, and THEN you pay for each photo you actually WANT. That's a loophole I probably need to fix, because I can honestly say $20 did NOT cover my time, hyperhidrosis e x p l o s i o n, anxiety, and my previously-mentioned DAYS-long editing period. Not to mention I was and still genuinely am proud of how the pictures turned out. OKAY WOW I'm seriously ranting but yeah I'm obviously still tilted. Did you suffer illness or injury? Did I? I don't think so. At least nothing serious. I did have a fall, but the resulting bruises and twists were negligible. What was the best thing you bought? A fuckin honeybun from the school snack machine lmao. I don't have my own income, so I just get little cash from Mom if needed for when I go out or anything. Where did most of your money go? See above. So, food lol. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Sara coming on my birthday, Ozzy re-announcing his tour for next year (WITH MANSON Y'ALL!!!!!!!!!!) and Mom and I being like "um fuck yes we're going," and that's all I can think about right now. It's not common I get like, THAT excited. What song will always remind you of 2019? *shrug* None off the top of my head stand out. Compared to this time last year, are you: Happier or sadder? Older or wiser? Thinner or fatter? (I've been at a weight loss stalemate for two fucking years now, so neither.) Richer or poorer? (No personal income, and I don't know the exact financial position Mom's in compared to last year.) What do you wish you’d done more of? See Sara and Dad much more, reach out to more friends, exercise, cleaning alksdjfawei, studying. What do you wish you’d done less of? Sitting on this computer gahhhhhhhhhhhhhh- I honestly would prefer to just not dwell on this "I wish I had..." subject. How did you spend Christmas? Breakfast and gift opening with Mom and my younger sis, then we went to my older sister's house that afternoon to celebrate with her and the kids. What was your favorite TV program? I didn't watch TV. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? No. What was the best book you read? The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. What was your greatest musical discovery? Hm... I don't believe I discovered any new bands, but I got waaay more into Motionless In White. What did you want and get? Making it through my first semester in college, Teddy reaching his 13th birthday, seeing my grandmother for probably the last time, seeing Sara for my birthday, uhhh other things that aren't coming to mind. What did you want and not get? Lose more fucking weight for a change, more photography growth, new glasses, the courage to drive more and get my license, SEE SCARY STORIES TO TELL IN THE DARK AS WELL AS THE LAST HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON, other little things I don't wanna dwell on. What was your favorite film of this year? I do NOT get the hate of the live action The Lion King. I fucking adored it. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I don't remember other than hang out with Sara and the fam and probably eat at Olive Garden for dinner. I turned 23. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Photography reaching the level of being able to call it my *real* job. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2019? Pajamas. Just... pajamas whenever possible lmao. What kept you sane? My mom and Sara, MUSIC, gaming, Mark and the other YTers I love way too much, school getting me out of the damn house. Oh, and medication lmfao. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? The day I don't answer this with "Mark Fischbach," I IMPLORE you to commit me. What issue stirred you the most? I'm guessing you mean political? If so, the Amazon wildfires and how the fucking SA government handled it. NOTHING in the political world has ever had me that livid, heartbroken, and ashamed of the greed of the human race. Who did you miss? A good number of people, plus Teddy of course. Who was the best new person you met? Good question. Probably a teacher or adviser at school. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019: I think more than anything, there's been a lot of focus on the fact that you can't always run at the first sign of trouble/stress. That's one of my biggest weaknesses: I flee the moment I'm under stress, but now with school, I've had to learn to fight this. It's an ongoing process, but I'm getting there. Some battles need to be fought to reach a better place.

[wonderwonderhowido]

Year-end meme time! I have been answering these questions once a year without fail since 2006. Maybe one of these years I’ll stop, but not for 2017.

Was 2017 a good year for you?

Yes! In February I decided I wanted to quit my job and go to Brazil for 3 months. I quit my job and moved away from NC in July, left for Brazil in August. I had a short-lived but intense romantic relationship from April-July. We drove across the country together. Brazil was really challenging but overall amazing. With the exception of a couple periods when life was too hectic, I kept up with my yoga habit. I think I made it a full 8 months without skipping a whole week actually? Maybe it was 6 months, I forget now, I just know that it was an important milestone for me at the time because I have never managed to keep up an exercise routine that long before. I spent more time at the ocean and by the pool than I have in most other years of my life. I lost some weight. I stayed relatively on top of my shit (bullet journaling really helped, when I was doing that), and stayed sane. I read a fuck ton of Harry/Draco and BTS fic. I took a lot of chances with people I had only just barely met. It has honestly been a pretty stellar year for me personally, the mounting sense of despair over the external world aside.

What was your favorite moment of the year?

Being in the ocean with kids climbing on top of me, demanding to be tossed into the waves.

What was your least favorite moment of the year?

Nothing actually stands out. I had some pretty low moments of crying over certain things in my life, but nothing I can talk about on the online, and besides since none of them were reacting to specific things they all sort of blend together in my memory anyway. I did cry whole buckets while leaving my goodbye party in NC and continued to cry when I got to my ex-BF’s house and then cried myself to sleep, but it feels sort of not right to call that a least favorite moment, just cathartic.

Where were you when 2017 began?

At the same new years’ party I was at when 2014, 2015, and 2016 began. That night was kind of a mixed bag for me, although I did get a new years’ kiss, which I will probably not be getting this year.  

Where will you be when 2017 ends?

One of my oldest friends in SLC is hosting a “polar plunge” at her house, so I’m going to do that. I probably will not be taking any kind of plunge myself but I can provide emotional support to those who shall.

Who will you be with when 2017 ends?

My friend Jennica and her husband. I have no idea who else, I don’t think I know most of their friends these days.  

Did you keep your new years resolution of 2017?

Looking at the half-assed resoluations I made…. Lmao, no I didn’t, but then my goals for the year changed rather drastically in February when I decided to upend everything, and I feel pretty good about how I followed through with all that stuff.

Do you have a new years resolution for 2018?

Have another list of resolution-ish intentions I have, I still would not call this list whole-assed but hey:

-complete a 30 day yoga challenge (I am on day 7 already, actually, so if I keep up with it I'll knock this one out before the end of January)

-don't let more than 4 days go by without going to yoga (other than when I'm traveling)

-don't let more than 2 days go by without writing (other than when I'm traveling)

-write original fiction at least three times a week, even if it's just like, scribbling down 100 words of a writing exercise (again, other than when traveling)

-read at least 25 books

-read at least 20 short stories

What was your relationship status? Did you break up with anyone?

I was in a relationship from roughly April-July, we broke it off before I left for Brazil. I dated other people in there, although no one for as long as I dated him.

How many one-night stands?

I think four? Idk depends on what you consider a one-night stand. And I made out with lots of different people, which was fun.

Did you make any new friends in 2017?

I made a lot of new friends in Brazil! I’ve made some new friends and reconnected with old friends through kpop. I seem to have made some new friends in SLC, which has been really nice.

What was your favorite month of 2017?

Probably September. April really ranks up there, too.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 30!!! I think on the day of I went to work, got taken out to lunch by my boyfriend, swam in my apartment’s pool, and started watching Boku No Hero Academia, also with the boyfriend. I had a small party for myself over the weekend, if memory serves. It was really nice, low key and happy, I really enjoyed turning 30 and have been very much enjoying my thirties since. I remember thinking that I was going to feel angsty and panicked about turning this number but that never really hit. It was mostly just good.

How many different places did you travel to in 2017?

Ashland, OR; Wilmington, NC; Charlotte, NC; from Carrboro, NC to SLC, with stops along the way in Birmingham, New Orleans, a town in Texas that I have forgotten the name of; in Brazil: Fortaleza, Taiba, Manaus, Tefe, Mamiraua Reserve, Monte Alegre do Sul, and Sao Paulo.

Did anybody close to you die in 2017?

No.

Did anybody close to you give birth?

Yes, K and E.

Did you miss anybody in the past year?

I missed my NC friends a lot after I moved away. I missed Brazil and my people there.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Other than public figures, no, not really.

What were your favorite movies that you saw in 2017?

Loving Vincent, Thor: Ragnarok and The Last Jedi.

What was your favorite song from 2017?

I have not done a great job of keeping track of which songs I’ve listened to the most this year, but: Silver Spoon/Baepsae by BTS; Nights by Frank Ocean; Soldados by Legiao Urbana; Don’t Take The Money by Bleachers; The Louvre by Lorde; Ultralight Beam by Kanye West; Young by The Chainsmokers.

Did you have a favorite concert in 2017?

Bleachers and MUNA in Charlotte! Also Chance The Rapper.

Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2017?

I feel like yes but I think I did less getting super drunk than in previous years.

Did you do a lot of drugs in 2017?

Not ‘a lot’ but I was not expecting this to be the year that recreational drugs came back into my life. So ‘a lot’ by my usual standards, I guess.

What kept you sane?

Yoga, walking, and journaling. This is a very boring and literal answer, sorry, but it’s true. I’m sorry to be one of Those People but exercise and mindfulness are the reasons I’m able to be off anti-depressants.

What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before?

Traveled to a foreign country by myself. Tried cocaine. Wrote fanfiction commissions. Taught english classes. Learned how to samba. Used a bullet journal. Did goat yoga. Interviewed a creator I admired. Went to a club by myself.

What dates from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

-August 21, the day of the eclipse and the day I flew to Brazil.

-July 28-29, my last days in NC, the night one of my cats spent in the bathtub of a friend’s apartment, and the days I spent frantically moving out of my apartment.

-The Women’s March. Both because it was one of the very few times this year I felt politically empowered, and because that night I had a really fantastic tinder date with a woman who had also been at the march. This was only a couple days after I’d been dumped by the girl I was seeing, so I felt very spitefully pleased about the timing of it all.

-April 22. At my old job, we opened up a new public preserve, an event everyone in the org had been working to make happen for years. The event itself went extremely well and was super gratifying, and then that night was one of the early and really great dates with the guy I was dating.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Quitting my job in a way I feel good about. Making Brazil happen. Moving out of my apartment. Sticking with yoga. Finishing my otayuri Spy AU. Writing all the fic that people commissioned me for, even though it took me forever and a day. Paying off my credit card post-brazil.

What was your biggest failure?

I am disappointed in myself for not trying harder to write and publish more nonfiction, even though I felt all this momentum in that direction after the McElroy piece I wrote in May. I am also disappointed in myself for losing steam on the novel I started in 2016. There are some conversations I wish I had had with important people in my life, that I always chickend out on having. There are some feelings I wish I had been able to leave behind, but couldn’t.

What was the best thing you bought?

Other than plane tickets, probably my chromebook. It does not feel real at all that I bought that in 2017, though. This year has been five years in one.

Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? happier

b) thinner or fatter? thinner

c) richer or poorer? poorer

How did you spend Christmas?

With my family in SLC, like I almost always do. We opened presents, my dad and I went to yoga, I read a lot of kpop fic, in the evening we went to a dinner party at my parents’ friends house and I ate a lot of really good food.

What was the best book you read?

If I manage to finish The Female Man today, I will have read 23 books this year, not counting the 6 Animorphs books I reread and the gazillions of BNHA manga chapters. That’s actually more than I thought I had read, and maybe I should make my books goal for 2018 a larger number, hm.

But anyway I think the best book of those was probably The Basic Eight by Daniel Handler or Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood. I also loved Swing Time by Zadie Smith but I read that at the beginning of the year so it sort of feels like a lifetime ago.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?

Well for half of it I’ve been either living out of a backpack or in my pajamas almost 24/7. Also I got rid of most of my wardrobe. So I guess minimal?

What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?

A new Carly Rae Jepsen album!!! And greater financial security, a home in a city I’m happy about living in.

What do you wish you’d done more of?

Writing original fiction and freelance writing. Exercising more discipline in my writing life, in general. Mindfulness exercises when I was upset. Taking photos of people I wanted to remember.

What do you wish you’d done less of?

Sweet jesus do I wish I had spent less time mindlessly refreshing apps on my phone, particularly twitter. Also pointless angsting about personal relationships. Gone on less Tinder dates that I knew weren’t going anywhere.

What are your plans for 2018?

Going to Japan in May with @corvidyouths and @globsavethequeen!!! And getting a job in New York or LA or DC or, who knows, somewhere else that I haven’t though of yet.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Well, I don’t know how much of my year this actually sums up, but these lines have been rattling around my head more than anything else. From Nights by Frank Ocean:

I ain't trying to keep you Can't keep up a conversation Can't nobody reach you Why your eyes well up Did you call me from a seance You are from a past life

[fourteenacross]

year in review

Time for the year in review! I do these two surveys and the writing one every year, though the writing one is gonna wait until I have time to collect all the links and do the word count and everything.

Fandom 2017

1. Your main fandom of the year?

Definitely still Hamilton on the reading/writing front. In the "this is all I talk about" way, it was probably Great Comet or maybe Malloy in general because I still want to talk about Ghost Quartet all the time.

2. Your favorite film watched this year?

(Hahaha, in last year's meme I said something about finding Moana surprisingly moving and wanting to see it again. I ended up seeing it like, five times in theatres.)

But actual films that I actually saw in 2017 that weren't Moana. Probably Get Out. It's really a masterful piece of work in my very favorite genre. I made a zillion people see it. I still think about it all the time. And [vague spoilers] the bit where Rod comes out of the car is probably my favorite movie moment in 2017. [/vague spoilers]

3. Your favorite book read this year?

I can narrow it down to my top three, which were Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue by Mackenzi Lee, Star-Crossed by Barbara Dee, and Ghostland by Colin Dickey. The first two are completely unsurprising--Gentleman's Guide is my favorite sort of narrative, where there are exciting adventures and also a queer romance and everyone lives happily ever after. Star-Crossed is the book I needed when I was thirteen, and Ghostland is something I'm still talking about all the time.

4. Your favorite album or song to listen to this year?

Did I listen to anything new this year? Oh, Ghost Quartet! Definitely Ghost Quartet, it was all I listened to for about two months.

5. Your favorite TV show of the year?

Oh god, I don't know? There was nothing I was obsessive over. New stuff that I liked: One Day at a Time, The Good Place, and...maybe that was it?

6. Your favorite online fandom community of the year?

idk. To be honest, I still don’t quite ~*~get~*~ tumblr (tho I had some nice conversations via the chat function, despite my general awkwardness as a human), LJ is dead, and while I connect with fandom friends and talk about fandom on Twitter, I don’t do that as much as I whine about my life. I guess AO3 has been great via comments received, but that also feels one-sided, as chatty cathy as I sometimes get when responding to people’s comments. Most of my fandom conversations this year have PROBABLY been over text?

^^^^ That's what I wrote last year and it probably remains true, except to say that I had a lot of gr8 conversations about my dumb fic with @lisapizza​.

7. Your best new fandom discovery of the year?

I don't think I had one, unless you count Ghost Quartet.

8. Your biggest fandom disappointment of the year?

Everything that happened around the end of Great Comet. I'm still angry and heartbroken over it.

9. Your fandom boyfriend of the year?

I'm changing this from "your TV bf" and "your TV gf" because I just don't watch a ton of teevee anymore. Still, even with that change, I'm not sure I have a fandom boyfriend right now. I have been pretty anti-dude this year. OH, I guess unless you count Lucas Steele getting all up in my biz on stage when I saw Comet in August XD

10. Your fandom girlfriend of the year?

Probably Brittain Ashford or Morgan Marcell.

11. Your biggest squee moment of the year?

My entire Chicago trip was pretty great, including seeing Karen as Angelica which was WOW. Seeing Malloy as Pierre. The final performance of Great Comet in a ferris wheel with @lisapizza​ @charmingpplincardigans​ and @chiasticbees​

12. The most missed of your old fandoms?

Mostly I miss having close buddies in fandom. I miss texting @pearlo​ every dumb fic idea I have and planning trips and parties for people to come do fannish stuff together.

13. The fandom you haven’t tried yet, but want to?

I’m p mono-fannish, so I’m good for now.

14. Your biggest fan anticipations for the New Year?

Oh god, I don't know? Heroes, probably. It's weird not doing DragonCon this year. Um, Hamilton in Boston. Whatever happens with Moby Dick. Black Panther and A Wrinkle in Time. The Simon vs. movie.

***

General 2017

What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before?

Went on a non-con vacation with friends! Recorded a live podcast episode (twice!)! Uh...probably other things?

Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

+ Read more adult books

Aahahahaha, if I did that, it was by like...one. So no.

+ Keep track of good things that happen

I started this at the end of the year? But I did not start in January, so much of the year is lost to my shitty memory.

+ Make a writing schedule and try to stick to it for at least a month

This did not happen.

+ Be better with money–pay off half the credit card

This also did not happen.

+ Go on more dates

This also did not happen. I did go on some, but not as many as 2016 and I spent a large chunk of 2017 dragging my feet over asking someone out instead of just...asking.

Next year:

+ Come up with a better way to track reading/writing/finances + Set up some kind of writing schedule + Cook more often + Schedule at least a couple days a month that are designated "get nothing done" days, so I have at least a couple days where I'm not an anxious mess over not doing enough. + Go somewhere new + Go on more dates--there will be more kissing in 2018, I stfg.

Did anyone close to you give birth?

Caitlin had a baby! I still haven't met him :(

Did anyone close to you die?

The only person I can think of is Sara, a con friend who I know through several of my closer friends. It was weird being at con without her.

What countries did you visit?

Just the US. Hoping to change that in 2018. I did go to ATL, Charlotte, and Chicago, but even that feels like less travel than I normally do.

What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?

I’d like to feel more on top of things. I’d like more organization in my life. I’d like more sleep. I’d like a girlfriend.

^^^^ Keeping that answer from last year.

What dates from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

January 21 and the Women's March, which was amazing and energizing. June 13 when we saw Malloy as Pierre and that whole weird weekend. September 3 and having the final performance of Great Comet in a ferris wheel. (And also crying my cosplay make-up off all day like a nerd.)

What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Staying alive? I feel like this was not a particularly strong year for achievements.

What was your biggest failure?

The whole year feels kind of like a fuzzy grey blur. I feel like I can come up with nine hundred failures, but none of them were particularly bad.

Did you suffer illness or injury?

I started the year off with a broken foot and also with a cold that lasted almost a week. The usual brain stuff was worse than usual thanks to the state of the world. I got glasses.

What was the best thing you bought?

Tickets to Great Comet and Hamilton and Ghost Quartet and Ghost Light and all the other shows and things I saw. My trip to Chicago. My skeleton onesie.

Whose behavior merited celebration?

My friends. A lot of excellent activists.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

The American people as a whole and everything associated with our clusterfuck election outcome.

Where did most of your money go?

Grown-up type stuff (rent, utilities, groceries), cons, and travel.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Chicago, HeroesCon, DragonCon, Hamilton, Great Comet, Ghost Quartet. Galentine's Day and my Great Comet wake and my Halloween party.

What song will always remind you of 2017?

I feel like this question is more aimed towards people who listen to the radio. My answer is going to be Ghost Quartet because I listened to that a lot.

Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? I would say that, overall, 2017 has been a sadder year for me than 2016, because up until November, my 2016 was pretty great. But this very moment right now, I think I'm probably slightly happier than I was in December 2016 because everything seemed SO bleak at that point, and at least now there's been some hope.

b) thinner or fatter? Same.

c) richer or poorer? Same.

What do you wish you’d done more of?

Writing. Sleeping. Going on dates. Hanging out with people.

What do you wish you’d done less of?

Being depressed. Obsessing over stupid shit people said on the internet.

Did you fall in love in 2017?

Nope.

What was your favorite TV program?

For new stuff, probably The Good Place.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Many, many people. THANKS, POLITICS.

What was the best book you read?

See above for more details on this one.

What was your greatest musical discovery?

Ghost Quartet.

What did you want and get?

Cons, brunch, travel, various tickets to things, my skeleton onesie.

What did you want and not get?

Impeachment. A girlfriend. More sleep.

What was your favorite film of this year?

Get Out

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 32! I had a party and we played Drawful and @lisapizza made me a beautiful cake!

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Any sort of fix to our current political mess.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?

Retro-y dresses.

What kept you sane?

@ginthusiastic @pearlo @caphairdadbeard @isjustprogress @intrikate88 @lisapizza @charmingpplincardigans @anachronistique @chiasticbees @brilligspoons and the rest of the Boston crew whose tumblrs I don’t know/remember, and the DCon crew and Great Comet and Hamilton and GBBO and social media breaks.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Brittain Ashford, Morgan Marcell, the entire cast of The Last Jedi.

What political issue stirred you the most?

It's hard to pick just one when the whole country is on fire.

Who did you miss?

Pretty much everyone when they are not right next to me. Sarah Bay, a lot, but I feel weird singling one person out. [This is exactly what I wrote for the last three years, but I’m keeping it because it’s still true.]

Who was the best new person you met?

I’m trying to think of actualfax new people I met? I can't think of anyone?

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017:

No one cares about facts.

Quote a song that sums up your year:

I will try to forgive myself for living in the dark for my loss of wonder for forgetting how to play

I will try to forgive myself for being absent in public and bored before stars

for not remembering for not being in my body for not starting right now I will try to see myself as I am

[mmakehappy]

2017

1. What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before? i’ll try to do this chronologically again: so at the beginning of january one of my best friends left to study abroad in rome which was sad and i missed her a lot. i saw rory scovel do stand up. i took an animation class which was fun for the first few weeks until i failed it lmao. actually my classes from jan to march did not go so well tbh but whatever i made it through. my sister came to visit me the weekend before st paddys day which was super fun and then we saw panic which was soooooooo fuckin rad i love them still wow! i went home for spring break and visited a local winery w my dad which was a lot of fun and then a week later uhhh me and @carrot-gallery became gfs!!! and my whole frickin life changed bc i love her so much wow!! but then a week after that i turned 22 and spent my birthday alone! which i tried to pretend didnt make me sad but by the end of the day i was very sad about it and thats when my sweet gf called me to sing happy birthday and i sobbed on my couch and ill never forget that!!! so okay then spring quarter classes started and i was a part of depaul’s visiting artist series which was super cool... i met a lot of new awesome people (both at depaul and the industry ppl that were our guests!) and made some great friends in that class! i was a house manager and camera op which was super fun. i went to a screening of my fave professor’s short film which was also rad. i saw a ghost story at the chicago critics film festival, which was amazing. i saw idiocracy in 35mm and then mike judge did a q&a! the very next day i was house manager for depaul’s student film festival at the music box! i saw chris gethard do a live recording of beautiful/anonymous and then also do some standup, that was awesome. i saw day wave live!!! amazing! i spent an entire dystopian day dealing with megabus. that was hell! i sat at an outdoor amphitheater and even tho i couldnt really see him i got to listen to seu jorge sing david bowie covers and life was magical for a few hours. my sisters came up to visit me and we saw aladdin the musical and had our minds blown, it was soooo fun! i went to the chicago pride parade for the very first time but i went by myself and at one point i was sitting on the curb just crying! not a high point but still memorable. i won a ticket to an advanced screening of the big sick where kumail & emily were there to do a q&a after the movie.... had a fuckin blast OBVIOUSLY and then saw the movie 9 other times in various theatres. i also made it into a commercial FOR the movie i just loved it that much lmao! i moved into a new (and my current) apartment! lorde released melodrama and fucking murdered me in my own home. otherwise i had a pretty uneventful but anxiety filled summer bc of financial aid stuff so that really sucked. i saw good time w taylor and the safdie brothers were there to do a q&a and they were such interesting guys i could listen to them talk for hours honestly. my mom and sisters came up to visit me and we took our mom to her very first cubs game which was sooo so much fun and they won that day too!! it was awesome and we had a great time :) watched the eclipse (or tried to anyway!!) fall quarter classes started and i honestly kicked ass at them, i got on the deans list (i almost typed honor roll lmao i mean its basically the same) i hung out with ari again which was cool!! we went to the aquarium! me and taylor saw beach fossils which was honestly the most buckwild concert ive ever been to i think, it was good shit. i got jobs at AMC (which i have since quit lmao) and starbucks and left my job at the paint place which was bittersweet! me and taylor saw mbmbam live!!! so fun!! and we watched trolls that night and goofed on it so hard!! i went home for thanksgiving and found out my big sister is gonna have a baby this year!! :D i saw mike birbiglia do stand up! which was soooo incredible of course (except i felt bad bc my mom was supposed to come w me but she couldnt go! so i brought taylor lol) UMMMMM MY DAM GIRLFRIEND CAME TO CHICAGO TO VISIT ME AND STAYED FOR A WHOLE DANG WEEK AND IT WAS THE BEST THING EVER SHE MAKES ME SO HAPPY WE HAD SO MUCH FUN AND I MISS HAVING HER RIGHT NEXT TO ME EVERY SINGLE GOSH DANG DAY <3 ;_____; and that was my year!!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? last year i said id like to read at least one book each month and watch at least 100 movies - i did neither! im keeping the movie resolution though bc cmon 100 movies should be EASY for a film major wtf am i doing!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? no but it will happen in 2018! 

4. Did anyone close to you die? not a person but we had to put down my sweet doggo, flash :(

5. What countries did you visit? still none :/

6. What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017? More confidence that I actually deserve to be in college and that I can do this shit and I’m awesome <– that was my answer from last year and the year before but yeah. same. also money.

7. What dates from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? ummm march 25 when me and gf became gfs and also dec 17 when she came to visit :)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? putting myself out there by doing VAS/Premiere, getting on the deans list for the first time since freshman year and then also getting a new job

9. What was your biggest failure? this summer i didnt do shit besides wallow and cry and it sucked!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? nope

11. What was the best thing you bought? every movie ticket and the bras i bought for natalie ;-)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? natalie’s because she’s amazing and works so hard!!!! and she can always cheer me up and im so in love w her

13. Whose behavior made you appalled? mine bc i could never just get my shit together and do my homework when i was supposed to :) < thats from last year but lmfao same!

14. Where did most of your money go? RENT, movie/event tix, food, in that order

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? THE BIG SICK, the new season of sv, p much all of the events that i listed in the first question lol

16. What song will always remind you of 2017? umm honestly probably any song from melodrama

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer? I’m a. happier, b. probably thinner? or maybe the same idk, and c. definitely DEFINITELY poorer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? read and write and watch movies and write and read about movies

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Spending money and also being bitter about everything for no reason <– last year and the year before that AGAIN and also same!

20. How did you spend Christmas? working at AMC which i hated every second of :)

21. Did you fall in love in 2016? yes with my amazing girlfriend @carrot-gallery

22. What was your favorite TV program? silicon valley, AMERICAN VANDAL, the good place, great british bake off

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? nah just politicians who like. actively want me to die lol

24. What was the best book you read? bitch,

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? mitski like why the fuck did i sleep on her..... tbh thats about it bc i still listen to the same music i did 10 years ago

26. What did you want and get? I wanted a steadier/better paying job and i have it!

27. What did you want and not get? idk i wanted to be financially stable on my own and i still dont have that

28. What was your favorite film of this year? ugh i hate this question! ok in no order: THE BIG SICK, GOOD TIME, A GHOST STORY, GET OUT, THE FLORIDA PROJECT

29. What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying? uhhh having my sweet girlfriend by my side each and every day 

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017? sometimes chic, always sweaty

31. What kept you sane? Sydney, my best friend in the entire world. (This was my answer from last year and the year before that and the year before that AND THE YEAR BEFORE THAT but it still holds true) also everyone in the sv discord chat still AND natalie of course of course

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? kumail nanjiani duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, taika waititi, and martin starr always and probably more but i legit cant think of anyone rn lol

33. What political issue stirred you the most? yikes all of it. all of the issues (this was from last year but same lmao)

34. Who did you miss? i miss my dogs and my family and my girlfriend 35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017. You can set goals for yourself and talk about it all you want but it’s nothing until you actually start working towards it and doing something about it. <– answer from last year and the year before that and the year before that, still true!! imma keep that. also idk just like, there are good days and super bad days and ive survived all of them so its just a reminder to myself that ill be okay.

36. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. These days will all seem better in time Waiting on that hindsight

[kyidyl]

Year in Review

Eh, I’m bored, so I’m stealing this from @md-admissions

2017 in Review

By tradition, it’s time for my annual review!

1 - What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before?

Had heart surgery, lived with my little sister for a bit (not technically never, but I moved out when she was 2.).   2 - Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don’t make New Year’s resolutions.  If I want to do stuff, I just do it, I tend not to wait for the new year.  

3 - Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yeah, weirdly.  My sister, about two-ish weeks ago.  Different sister than the above.  The sister that gave birth is 31, not 18.  

4 - Did anyone close to you die?

No, thankfully.  My dad has a giant blood clot in his calf tho and confronting his mortality has been unpleasant.  

5 - What countries did you visit?

Italy - Venice and Rome.  

6 - What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?

More time to do the things I really care about.  Hopefully I’ll be able to quit my job soon.   7 - What date from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

12/12/17 - My niece was born.  

8 - What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Completing my first real research paper.  I spent the whole semester working on it.  

9 - What was your biggest failure?

I honestly have no idea.  Probably not being able to stick to a low sodium diet as well as I like (My Dr. is worried about my blood pressure.).  Everything in the US is preserved and full of salt.  If I stuck to it I’d never eat out or have anything besides unflavored chicken.  IDK I do pretty good for breakfast and lunch but I just don’t have the knowledge to cook low sodium dinners for myself.   10 - Did you suffer illness or injury?

I haven’t been like...sick with anything or had a cold or whatever, but I did have a heart ablation to correct arrhythmia.   11 - What was the best thing you bought?

I have no idea...all my best purchases were made at the end of last year, lol.  And the answer to that is: a canon 80D.  I haven’t bought anything major this year.   12 - Whose behavior merited celebration?

Very few people, that’s for damned sure.  I’m gonna say Beyonce just because I <3 her and don’t feel like giving a deep answer here.  Oh! All of the private citizens who donated to disaster relief funds for the various terrible things that happened this year.   13 - Whose behavior made you appalled or depressed?

Trump.  Every elected republican except for that five minutes where McCain was like “fuck you guys”.  They’re all a bunch of schysters.  And while we’re at it, Kim Jon un is a dick too.  All the white people who were like “yeah, the KKK has a point”.  Can I say Trump again? Cause he really is that bad.  

14 - Where did most of your money go?

Living expenses, same as usual, the rent is too damned high.  

15 - What did you get really, really, really excited about?

I can’t think of much.  Going to faire with @wut4 was pretty great.  My sister’s baby, too.  Oh, and Game of Thrones because that’s the kind of sad fan that I am, lol.   16 - What song(s) will always remind you of 2017?

*sighs in @existing-oddball’s direction* Despacito.   17 - Compared to this time last year, are you: I. Happier or sadder?

Sadder.  Definitely, sadder.   II. Thinner or fatter?

Same.  Maybe a little fatter? My weight doesn’t fluctuate that much.  

III. Richer or poorer?

Poorer, but I received an inheritance last year and I’ve spent a decent chunk of it.  Tuition and heart surgery are expensive ya’ll.  

18 - What do you wish you’d done more of?

Literally anything but my job.  It’s really been grinding me down.  I don’t get a new one because I get a lot of vacation time, they work around my class schedule, and my boss is great.  My company is not bad either, I just dislike the actual work.  And I wish I’d been more involved with various protesting things.  Wish I’d gone to the women’s march.   19 - What do you wish you’d done less of?

Work.  I don’t like my job.  Procrastinate, cause it stresses me out, but I seem unable to help myself.   20 - How will you be spending/spent christmas?

Went up to DC to see my family and it didn’t suck.  :)  

21 - Did you fall in love in 2017?

Nah, not romantically.  My niece is pretty great tho even though all she does is poop and sleep and cry occasionally.   22 - How many one-night stands?

Nada.   23 - What was your favorite tv program?

Game of Thrones.  

24 - Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Yes.  Fuck Roy Moore.  And I hate Trump more than I knew I could hate another person.   25 - What was the best book you read?

Lord, IDK.  I just finished the Dunk and Egg novels and read the Princess and the Queen before that, but IDK if that’s the best.  I read a lot of good Zombie fiction this year, and Jenny Trout put out another book this year.  I <3 her.   26 - What was your greatest musical discovery?

IDK, Music isn’t really my thing.  I wouldn’t call it a discovery, but P!nk put out a really excellent album a few months ago.   27 - What did you want and get?

Whatever I want.  Hahahaha...  28 - What was your favorite film of this year?

Wonder Woman, or Kingman.  I see a LOT of movies.  

29 - What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Ok actually I had a really shitty birthday this year.  My BFF’s brother got married on 7/1 (my bday is 7/2), and we were in TX.  It should have been fun but my BFF was getting run around town and she has a hard time saying no to family so basically I spent the whole day by myself farting around on the internet.  Then the next day I had the worst migraine of the whole year, or maybe ever.  So yeah, turning 37 blew.   30 - What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Trump getting impeached and thrown in jail where that stupid motherfucker belongs.  

31 - How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?

Same as usual, whatever I feel like.  Usually jeans and whatever shirt is clean.  

32 - What kept you sane?

Am I sane? lol.  Probably my sister while she was here.  Having someone around and not being alone all the time was a nice relief from usual.   33 - Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I’m gonna copy MD-A’s answer: Jason Mamoa.  That man is fine AF.  

34 - What political/social issue stirred you the most?

#metoo and the lack of response from the fed for PR.   35 - Who did you miss?

I miss Wut4 a lot, and most of my other friends.  I don’t see them very often.  I miss the people from my major at school that I’d made friends with who all graduated ahead of me.  I’m the last one.   36 - Who was the best new person you met?

I didn’t meet anyone new that I’d say had a meaningful impact on my personal life, I think.  But I didn’t know who Robert Mueller was before this and he’s got a lot of potential.  

37 - Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017:

IDK, 2017 has felt like the year I’ve been stalled in place and can’t I just be done already and move on to the next stage of my life.  It’s been full of frustrating monotony and I’m seriously chafing at the boredom.  I have a hard time enjoying the moment in front of me, always have, so I guess what I’ve learned is that I’ve got to try and be better at appreciating things as they are.  

[whoiskt]

Doing this year-end thing for me again

1: What did you do in 2019 that you’d never done before?

Told a man I loved him, graduated college, said goodbye to a loved one, lived alone, gave a eulogy, was Maid of Honor, went to a bachelorette party, and saw my favorite band in concert!!

2: Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I forgot whatever my resolution was. Most likely I didn’t complete it then oof. Although there’s a strong possibility my resolution was just to survive the rest of senior year which was a valid resolution and I made it.

3: Did anyone close to you give birth?

No, but my other sister is married now. I’ve given up hope on my oldest sister, but there’s new hope now. Maybe soon I will be auntie.

4: Did anyone close to you die?

My grandma passed away from cancer at the end of May. I’m happy to know she’s not suffering anymore but I miss her. This is the first time I’ve had to deal with a loss like this.

5: What countries did you visit?

Still have never left the country. Furthermost I traveled this year was to the U.P.

6: What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019?

More money, less debt! Please, I need a real job ASAP!

7: What dates from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

May 30th because that’s when my grandma passed. November 15th because that’s when Erika was married!

8: What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Graduating.

9: What was your biggest failure?

The hundred rejection emails I have for jobs in my inbox. Please employ me for your video production needs.

10: Did you suffer illness or injury?

No, but my allergies were really bad this year. For a while there I was having to take allergy meds everyday on schedule just to be able to breath. And I hate taking pills unless totally necessary.

11: What was the best thing you bought?

My graduation present to myself was my studio apartment. I know I didn’t buy it technically but living alone is an opportunity some people never get so paying the rent for no-pants-zone is best thing.

12: Whose behavior merited celebration?

I think mine deserves to be celebrated in the form of a job offer soon. Of course, I love all my friends and family who bring love into my life and make it worth living. My bf has been by my side through thick and thin this year and lord knows I’ve been depressed lately so I’m very thankful for him.

13: Whose behavior made you appalled?

If you might recall, my boyfriend’s friend group is all messed up right now from a huge cheating scandal. That’s a really long story but I think that was the wildest and worst thing of the year. So S/O to those snakes.

14: Where did most of your money go?

Tuition. Rent. Food. Where it always goes.

15: What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Love! Friendship! Vacation! Graduation! Being free!

16: What song will always remind you of 2019?

All I know is if I ever hear another Panera Playlist Song(tm) I’m gonna wreck whatever device is playing one of those songs. Seriously that place has made me hate “Big Yellow Taxi” which was previously a song I hadn’t heard in YEARS.

17: Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? Richer or poorer?

Sad to announce. Sadder. About the same. Poorer.

18: What do you wish you’d done more of?

Been successful in my endeavors. Be creative. Gotten something done so I had something to show for myself.

19: What do you wish you’d done less of?

Sit around and do nothing. Kept my feelings bottled up.

20: How did you spend Christmas?

Home with the family. There’s no where else to be. Although part of the family was missing, and Will didn’t show up until later... it was still a good Christmas!

21: Did you fall in love in 2019?

A little more each day

22: What was your favorite TV program?

Things I enjoyed this year: Bojack Horseman. The Good Place. Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure. Breaking Bad. Better Call Saul. Documentary Now! Madoka Magica. Death Parade. Doctor Stone. (yes my bf really conned me into watching all this anime) Tuca and Bertie. Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. A Series of Unfortunate Events.

23: Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I’m not much of a hater. Don’t have it in me.

24: What was the best book you read?

I’m gonna be real with you fam, haven’t been reading much this year :/

25: What was your greatest musical discovery?

Uhhh, Cosmo Sheldrake. Lizzo. Idk I’m not very good at following artists it’s more like a heard a few good songs.

26: What did you want and get?

Out of college. A studio apartment. Away from all the stuff about college that wasn’t actually college but still made me feel bad like the people around there and stuff.

27: What did you want and not get?

A MOTHERFUCKING START TO MY CAREER!!

28: What was your favorite film of this year?

I was so poor all year I didn’t see like any movies :’( And I’ve also been super depressed lately so my memory is failing as to what I even saw. You know, I liked “Us” a lot so I’ll just go with that.

29: What one thing that made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Knowing I don’t have to go back to school and soon I won’t have to live in this city anymore.

30: How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2018?

A poor person who has like 3 good outfits that are “looks” and just has to keep re-wearing them in different combinations.

31: What kept you sane?

I went insane this year. Honestly every now and then someone would just be really unexpectedly nice and kind to me and it would be like a slap in the face to me and I would feel better.

32: Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Man, I do not care about celebs.

33: What political issue stirred you the most?

This year? Climate change still. Also how fucked up Parking Enforcement and the local government is around here like I’m going to burn this place to the ground I hate it here so much and I’m POLITICIZING IT!!!

34: Who did you miss?

My grandma. My cat because she never comes out even when I come to visit.

35: Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019.

People be lying. 

36: Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Only thing that’s coming to mind is “Oooh, I gotta get out of here.”

[kulekrizpy]

dream: there was a heaven and hell place?? sort of? there was a community in caves. something was wrong with the water. elder told me (leader?) i needed to go talk to O-guy bc he would know?? (O-guy is in charge of dark place. I-person has s in charge of light place). elder seems to blame Me for water

O- and I-land have entrances to them in the cave. only accessible to ppl not already sorted? big scary guards in front of O. jackal heads ??

in order to gain entry i smear my shirt with a mix of dark and light dirt (symbolic) to cover up the words and pretend i‘m from desert outside where we don’t know how to read

i get in and pretend to be a desert/sandstorm person well enough in front of O-guy to be judged an O-person (by crawling around like a cat and talking with mostly O’s emphasized?????)

i go to backyard in O-guy’s place (and it looks like my back door irl). i see O-guy’s son (jaden smith?? go-to young godlike figure Apparently) flying around gardening. then i get outside and properly talk to the O-guy more. i hold onto my cover?

there‘s a swan woman there. shes in human form, gives me advice while i look at garden bags, and then i accidentally overstep a line, get too close to her kids/kittens? and in a confusing sequence she‘s suddenly dead. bloody, and now a swan

O-guy doesn’t seem to blame me but watches carefully to tell if im a spy?? i‘m not but i wasn’t truthful so... anyway he can’t tell, or lets it slide

i go back out into the world i think, but it‘s not the caves. go undercover as an I-person. falsely cheery world. straight lines. mechanized. NOBODY can dance.

idr what i was undercover for but i had a friend ?? who was infatuated with me maybe? idk. anyway i had to flee at one point and i had sex with him to fuel my flying dragon to escape. the sex was necessary. idk why? chaotic energy??

i escaped but ended up somewhere else in I-land. an airport? i was spotted while sitting far away on a suitcase so i had to quickly blend in somewhere else

i got entangled in a school event on an elevated platform still attached to airport. there were cheerleaders. everyone was fake happy and putting up a huge front. scary energy from bitch head cheerleaders (lots of I-energy)

there was generic pop music and like no one could dance. no one could twerk. these poor girls. i did it well automatically and maybe taught them a little??

someone from the ground popped a big red paper mache ball into the platform. it bounced around the crowd like a beachball and somehow i changed into a sexy devil’s outfit. this fit in bc school was red colored. bitch cheerleaders still gave me looks — if your actions are too chaotic you will be reported/overhead speakers will call you out

we all walked away. i walked kind of separately. cute girl came up to me. she was intrigued by my actions. i was like uh huh, lemme take you under my wing.

we ended up at a facility where the girls in the school were all heading ? it was to like practice kissing ????????? we were only ones there. made out 👌 girl is now O-person ??

uh. at this point i’m suspected. on the run. end up back at old friend’s place. he’s fatter + happier. plays soccer and has crush on two different guys on team. talk to him after game, tell him to go for it

he goes up to guy still in locker room. doesn’t work? guy seems kind of interested but really. i slam hands over him to intimidate him. “what’s wrong with my friend? are you leading him on??” guy smirks and is like no but i could go for You (is my brain horny) i’m like ://

i think we proceed to have a fight. attracts a lot of attention. correction i-bots and agents coming. i think we fill out a report of the incident (idk why we would — so friend isn’t in trouble??) i run. it’s night. even tho i-town is so bright and falsely cheery they also refuse to have lights on at night. weird

i walk alone. im on my way back to O-land — to report or regroup. idk. walk nearby a girl who seems aimless. we talk about how we wish there was neon

O-land has neon despite the night. it seems like place of “depravity” or something but it’s really ppl letting their hair down and living their true selves. i think i call O-land VVV here??

i wake up

notes: O-land ppl talk rounded with most vowels replaced by O’s?

I-land ppl talk clipped with most vowels replaced by I’s

these are expressed thru weird talking or accents. irish as one for O??

the moral may be you have to have a balance of both places but i’m not sure. never got to that

O aesthetics: dark night. neon. cave dirt. natural

I aesthetics: clinical. false. aura of being watched