#im sorry idk how to add readmores to posts here anymore

[nztsume]

I know this is going to sound whiny and privileged person problems and whatever but I really...

really have a hard time dealing with being attractive.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy the attention (well, I don’t) it’s just that I’m always extremely too aware that this is temporary and it gives me SO much anxiety. I wasn’t pretty, I grew up being ugly (even called the ugliest girl in class one time- by classmates that I’d had for 5+ years lmfao so that’s saying something) but it never bothered me because I WASNT the pretty girl. I wasn’t the cute little kid. Never once a grown up person called me cute out of, um, looks? Because it just wasn’t my shtick l wasn’t the cute girl, I was the smart little girl, the one who could keep up with grown ups conversations, the teen who had a lot of friends because they all thought I was funny or idk interesting or something. I wasn’t pretty and I didn’t want to be. I distinctly remember reading invisible monsters and thinking “I’m glad I’m not her” because I wouldn’t know how to cope with that.

And then I grew up and I lost fat and I did my hair different and suddenly I was pretty. And it’s like an addiction, like now I’m hyperaware of my looks and I can’t I CANT let people see anything not pretty of me. I’ve been losing my mind the last month starving myself half of my waking hours because I gained weight and that makes me have a bit of a chin. I found out the start of a wrinkle in my face and I’ve been panicking for days over it. I put on outfits and regret them half an hour out of home because they show too much and I look fat or they show too little and people will think I’m fatter than I really am and I KNOW THIS IS NORMAL A LOT OF PEOPLE FEEL THIS BUT I JUST... never HAD and I now I don’t know how to deal with them!!!!

Not only that but it took such a huge impact on my relationships. I can’t have over two dates with someone because I feel like they don’t care about what I’m talking about and they just like how I look. I feel like work offers I get, compliments on my work that I get, attention that I get over stuff I do it’s just because of how I look not how I perform. And when it comes to people that aren’t supposed to be atteacted to me (aka friends and classmates) it’s WORSE. I just think I’m boring and annoying and over talkative and I just can’t stop myself and I feel like they’re still around me out of politeness. I literally feel like nobody can stand me, like I’m talentless and like all the success I have now is just going to fade away any second because I’m just not good at anything and I’m so fucking scared. I’m so scared of not being successful because growing up that’s what’s been drilled in my mind I have to be and I WANT to be successful. But I feel like I’m too lazy and talentless to be, and whatever progress I made so far I made it thanks to the wrong reasons.

I feel so stupid all the time. So annoying and talentless. Any comment at me I take it by heart and I twist it until it’s something negative and I just can’t unconvince myself that it’s the truth. And when I can’t twist it into something good I just feel and take it like a compliment out of politeness. It’s even more terribly annoying and frustrating because I CAN RECOGNIZE it’s my mind twisting it but at the same time... it’s like I just feel like it’s the truth!!!

It doesn’t even feel like it’s imposter syndrome because to have it you need to be someone successful or talented in the first place and I’m not Im simply not. Everyone tells me I have potential but I just don’t act upon it. I just can’t. I don’t know how to deal with this and I don’t want to go back to taking full doses of my anxiety oils because they made me gain weight and depression LMFAO I just wish I could make my brain just...... turn off and vibe. I hate this.