#idk I suck at serious art like this it feels like not enough

[asparklethatisblue]

I cannot even begin to explain the cognitive dissonance of having grown up hearing of how my family survived the holocaust, of how life is sacred above all else and any other commandment… and then watching Israel invoke both religion and the Shoa while committing such violence and invoking the very same stuff that makes me think there's little worse?

Join protests, donate, try to make sure things can't be swept under the rug. I don't know what we can do to actually stop the genocide, but we also can't stop trying?

Donate to MAP - Medical Aid for Palestine

Or if you want a direct way to help a family, my friend Ahmed has a GFM as he's trying to afford food and winter supplies for his family. There is barely any food to be found, and if there is it's expensive, and his brother needs a waterproof tent

[quirkle2]

question!

i've been wanting to stray away from lu for a while now and do my own thing with wars n ledge and the rest of the links (mainly bc i feel restricted by jojo's rules/don't agree w her takes, and wanna pursuit my own stuff), but there's one big thing holding me back, and that's lack of views to put it bluntly

if i make my own au and don't tag its content as #lu, then it will most definitely get a fraction of the attention my lu content does. and i know it sounds self-centered of me to worry abt something like that, but i put months of work into the fics i post. i put days of work into each art piece i post. if i work on something for months and then 10 people on ao3 read it and an astounding 0 of them even leave a comment, that will be Devastating to my motivation And confidence

what im asking y'all is this: should i finally make my own au to separate myself from lu and risk the plunge in notes, or should i stay in the lu fandom and suffer?

[broken-glowsticks]

What Once was Mine

Chapter 10 - Make it fit

Genre: Childhood friends, Eventual Friends to Lovers, Slow Burn, Love corner/love triangle, love rivals, Series. Not all chapters will be proofread!!

Warnings: 18+, mdni, mentions of sex and alcohol consumption, additional warnings will be added to individual chapters as needed.

Additional warnings: there's some implied, almost cheating. Idk how else to put it, but it's there, and I just thought I'd let people know.

Previous ● Main ● Next

Hyunjin dragged his brush against the canvas, smearing paint together as music blasted from his speakers. Along the walls hung numerous canvases already covered in his artwork, drenched in all his emotions.

The past few weeks, whenever he wasn't at work or being dragged from his apartment by Minho, Seungmin, and Jeongin to spend time with them, he was holde up in his spare room that he had been slowly converting into a make-shift art studio - as it had the largest window and the most ventilation. It was cathartic, spilling every thought and feeling into whatever medium he had on hand, which turned out to be quite a bit. He and Minho had bought an art class's worth of supplies when they went out, but it was well worth it.

Painting truly became a respite. He had turned dancing into his career, sucking almost every bit of relief the activity brought him, leaving only his art as a way to process the feelings that demanded to be felt.

Yes, dancing didn't mean what it used to, but at least it was still a good way to work off his sexual frustration, an exceedingly agitating sensation he's been feeling quite a lot lately. No matter what he did, no matter who he did, it was never enough, it never felt right. What the serious hell was wrong with him? He's been like this ever since you started dating “The Boyfriend”, and Hyunjin really couldn't wrap his mind around what the connection was between his upset feelings over that and his out of whack libido, if he didn't know any better it was almost like having sex with you was the only thing that could get him off.

Hyunjins brush paused on the canvas as a realization hit him. That's exactly what this was. After all, he only slept with those other girls because he could never fully have you, and as far as he knew you never wanted him as something more, so he just kept up his fuckboy habits from highschool as a way to work off all that extra need. In hindsight, that was not the best idea, downright dumb even. Other girls were only ever good for a night. None of them were you and thus couldn't last, which caused him to leave a trail of broken hearts in his wake. But he couldn't seem to stop. For him, it was a desperately needed distraction and enough to hold him over until the next time you were in his arms. Yet, now that you've essentially broken up with him, nothing was enough. What was the point in working off all that pent-up carnal desire with strangers if, in the end, you would never end up in his arms again?

Hyunjin let out a rough sigh, this really was like a break up - not that he actually knew what that felt like. In all his life, he was always the heartbreaker, never the heartbroken and to make matters worse he did this with his own two hands. Maybe he should have listened to Minho and taken the chance to confess his feelings for you, to just get them off his chest and let whatever happens, happen. Or maybe he should have been selfish and not let Changbin have you to begin with, effectively breaking your heart but leaving room for him to pick up the pieces, maybe then you'd see him as someone to love. Not as a friend but as a lover to spend the rest of your life with as easily as you spent the start of it. But he was too much of a coward, too scared to risk rejection, to risk what little intimacy was left between the two of you, too cowardly to face the reason why he never felt like you loved him to begin with.

Scoffing at himself, Hyunjin slashed his brush, splattering acrylic in an action that mirrored the agony swirling in his heart, before flinging his paintbrush across the room in an attempt to push down the disgusting feelings of filth and inadequacy that rose in his throat like bile. He loved you. He's loved you since you were children but never knew what to call the emotions that tethered him to you. He knew you were comfort and dependability, that your smile was amazing, that your laugh was a shining light in darkness, that your scent belonged to linger in his life, in his bed, on his clothes, and in his hair, but he never knew that was love and as he got older he got lost in trying to find out exactly what love was. He got so lost, in fact, that when he came to his senses, you were crying next to him in your bed, asking what you did to make yourself so unwanted. How did he lose so much time? How could he even do that to you? His most precious person.

It was that night when he found out what love was and - most important - that he was in love with you. But that was also the night he thought you could never be in love with him.

How could you? He left you, completely abandoned you, and for what? To be with other girls, sometimes even older women? Girls and women that only used him - either for sex or status, sometimes both? He did dirty things, drank too much, partied too hard, got into a few scrapes, made some enemies, nothing too severe but enough that he knew he wasn't the same innocent kid he was before your parting. At the end of it all, despite realizing he was in love with you, he came to the heart rendering realization that he doesn't know how to love - only how to fuck. How could you love someone who didn't know how to love you back? It would never be enough. And so, Hyunjin decided to give you the only thing he knew, hoping, praying that it would be enough for you to stay by his side.

It worked for a while, it gave him enough time to heal and work through his issues - some of which you were integral in helping him overcome - but by the time you two had settled into becoming adults, Hyunjin had convinced himself that there was truly no chance for the two of you. After all, if the two of you were meant to be, it would have happened by now, right? Or was that just him being cowardly again, too afraid of change? If you loved him, then there would have been signs, but he didn’t see any. You would come, you would accept his affection and kisses, but it was always him that wanted you to stay. That had to mean something, right?

Hyunjins' hands rubbed roughly over his face before sliding upward into his hair, tugging harshly at the roots and staining the locks with splotches of acrylic. He was filled with frustration and loneliness. It’s been weeks since you called him, complaining about The Boyfriend leaving you alone in his apartment to work out. It’s been even longer since he’s even seen you in person. How long, he’s not entirely sure. It’s been agony being without you, but what could he do? If he saw you, Hyunjin wasn’t entirely sure he’d be able to stop himself from pulling you close and kissing you, partially out of habit, but mainly because he missed you.

The sound of a phone call interrupting his music snapped Hyujin from his mental torpor. He hoped to god it wasn’t one of his friends or work. He was in the mood to wallow. However, the contact made his breath stop as he fumbled for his phone, attempting to answer as quickly as possible, to hell with smearing paint on his phone.

“Y/N?” Hyunjin breathed out, causing you to hesitate, surprised by his use of your name.

“Yeah, uh, hi Hyunnie- I- I mean, Hyunjin,” you facepalmed. When were you going to break your habit of using pet names with him? “How… How are you? It’s been a while.”

“Yeah… it has…” Hyunjin answered, still bewildered. A pregnant pause passed before you finally brought yourself to speak, feeling the need to break the silence.

“I miss you, Jinnie.”

“I miss you too, Beautiful.”

“Can I see you?”

“Can you?” Hyunjin asked gently. If he were honest, the reason he hadn't gone to see you is mainly because he didn't feel as if he deserved to. Would it really be alright? Spending time with you, being with you, alone, when he was the one who stepped away in the first place? Him, the guy you were sleeping with, and who The Boyfriend knows is in love with you?

“Of course I can! Just because I'm dating someone doesn't mean I can't see you. He's my boyfriend, not my dad.”

“At least I would hope he's not. That would be weird,” Hyunjin replied rather flatly, but his face broke into a smile when you laughed.

“I'll be over soon,” you said once the giggles subsided.

“I'll be waiting, Beautiful.”

○●☆♡☆●○

Hyunjin felt nervous as he looked at himself in the bathroom mirror. Was he too overdressed? You two were just going to hang out at his place, right? His eyes dragged over his slicked back hair - still wet from his shower, the pricings in his ears, his pinstriped button up shirt, the necklace dangling from his neck, it looked like he was ready for a date. The only thing that was casual on him was his jeans, and even then, if Minho saw him now, he'd say Hyunjin was trying too hard. Maybe he should change?

It was too late. The sound of his doorbell told him you were here. Taking a deep breath, Hyunjin made his way to the door. Time to face you.

When he opened the door, Hyunjin was stunned into a temporary silence. Had you dressed up, too? Or was it just his imagination? Little did Hyunjin know, you had also put effort into looking as casually pretty as you could in your tights, black denim shorts, ankle boots, and button up, long sleeved crop top. You also had the exact same thoughts as he was in the moment.

“Hey, Beautiful. You look gorgeous tonight,” Hyunjin said, pulling you into a short, chaste hug. “Oh, was that okay to say?”

“I think it was?” You giggled, returning the hug, “ thank you, by the way, you look really good too.”

“I always look good,” Hyunjin grinned as he ushered you inside, relishing in the familiarity of your responding eye roll. It was a welcome distraction from the fact that the last time you were in his apartment he was fucking you into ever surface of his apartment. A memory that had been screaming at you too ever since you crossed the threshold into the entryway. This was going to be an interesting evening. Not once since the two of you reconnected had either of you felt so awkwardly around each other.

“Sooooo, did you have anything you wanted to do?” Hyunjin asked tentatively, looking anywhere but at you.

“Well… we both seem to be dressed to go out, wanna… go get dinner?” You suggested as timidly. Hyunjin miles the idea over for a bit before smiling down at you.

“Sure, I could go for food. Let me get my keys, I know a spot.”

○●☆♡☆●○

“You know, when you said you ‘knew a spot’, I didn't think you were talking about a bar.”

“Ah, ah, ah,” Hyunjin tutted, his finger wagging, “bar and grill,” he corrected.

“Whatever,” you said with a roll of your eyes, taking a sip of the drink in front of you. You were in desperate need of alcohol, once again feeling awkward and unsure of how to act. How did you act with Hyunjin before you and Changbin began dating? You weren't sure, and you felt so stupid for it.

An extensive silence passed between the two of you, only being broken by the bartender coming to take your orders. The bar and grill was small, only allowing the impressively large bar and a few tables to fit within the four walls of the establishment, most of their business seemed to have been from take out orders by the way people shuffled in and out. Thank God the weather was starting to warm up.

It was only when the two of you received your food and had begun eating that Hyunjin was unable to bear the silence and the pitying looks from the people around him.

“Okay, enough of the awkward first date energy. This isn't us.”

You sighed, taking another dig at your food before nodding, unable to fight how right he was.

“I just…” you began, “I don't know what to do, basically our whole lives we've never had any boundaries and now that I'm suddenly trying to figure out where to place them, it feels wrong because it's you.” You paused to chew on your lip a bit before taking a swig of your drink, Hyunjin simply sat patiently beside you, listening attentively. “But the thing is, things have changed and as wrong as it feels it's the right thing to do. My main problem is that I'm over analyzing everything, torn between trying to still be your best friend and be Changbins' girlfriend.”

Hyunjin released a small huff, swallowing down his selfish thoughts of how you wouldn't be having these kinds of issues if you were his. Now wasn't the time. Even though he took a step back, you were hurting, and, quite frankly, Hyunjin could sympathize as he was also facing the same conundrum.

“My poor Y/N,” Hyunjin tried his best to sound nonchalant as he popped a fry into his mouth. “I'm not going to sugar coat this, that's rough,” you glared up at him as he held his hand over his plate and ran his thumb over the pads of his ringed fingers, dusting off the crumbs from his fry.

“Thank you, Hyunjin. That is soooo helpful.”

“I'm not trying to be ‘helpful’, I'm agreeing with you,” he corrected with a bit more seriousness than before, adjusting in his seat to face you. “Let's be real here Y/N, this is your first boyfriend since we started our relationship. I'll admit, neither of us knows how to do this without worrying over whether we're crossing any boundaries here, but you know what I just realized, baby? We shouldn't be so worried about this.”

You threw him a quizzical look, egging him to continue. Hyunjin gave you an exasperated sigh, rolling his eyes and leaning back in his chair to continue eating at his food.

“If you're so concerned about boundaries than go talk to The Boyfriend about it, not your friends who you used to fuck. Secondly, other than the fact that we've stopped fucking, nothing else has changed about us, so what's there to overthink? We just have to break a few habits is all.” Hyunjin earnestly tried to sound collected, informative even - judging by the enlightened glow softening your features, he was successful - but truly Hyunjin spoke with more confidence than he had. “Break a few habits”? How the hell was he supposed to casually stop pulling you close to hold you gently or kiss your lips when, even now, he was longing to lay his hand over yours? To pour out every ounce of love he has for you until it fills you whole?

“Oh my god, Hyunnie, you're a genius,” you suddenly mumbled out, making him break out into a smile.

“You should tell me that now often,” was his curt reply as he continued eating his food, with you following suit.

After that conversation came easy. You two had tons to talk about, eager to catch up on the time you've spent apart: New hobbies, change in work conditions, how the change in weather has affected your respective wardrobes and how you were needing to buy new sandals for the upcoming warm weather, Hyunjin was even in such a good mood that he was willing to ask questions about your relationship with Changbin - much to your surprise.

“What about you, Jinnie? Any repeat offenders since I've been gone?”

“Nah, I've actually stopped the casual hookups.” You choked on your drink in surprise, coughing into a napkin as Hyunjin patted your back.

“Is the Hwang Hyunjin seriously off the market? What made you stop the hookups?” Hyunjin shrugged, giving you a sheepish smile.

“My painting has just been taking up more of my time, making me happier. If I'm not at work or the guys, I'm at home with my art.” You blinked at him, truly looking at him under the dim bar lights and drinking in his expression. You couldn't remember the last time he looked so content outside of his mornings alone with you.

“Hyunjin, will you show me?” The words were out of your mouth before you could process the fact you had even said them. Hyunjins gaze turned to you and softened, his smile growing but retaining its contentment.

“Of course, Beautiful.”

○●☆♡☆●○

You sat perched on the edge of Hyunjins couch, watching him with amusement as he dashed in and out of a spare room, collecting his favorite pieces. Some were on canvases, painted in oils or acrylics, others were on sheets, scribbles of pencils, charcoal, ink, and pastels flooding the pages. You were impressed. He hadn't limited himself to a single medium, as if testing which one he would find himself only to see there was a piece of him in all of them.

“What, no sculptures?” You teased as he set some loose leaves of paper beside you on the couch. Hyunjins head snapped up, and his sheepish smile returned, all white teeth and crescent moon eyes.

“I don't think I have space for sculpting,” he said with a chuckle, standing upright to scan the pieces he's picked out. “Okay, yeah, I think these are all of my favorites. What do you think?”

“I think you look like a pregnant mom when you put your hands on your waist like that.” Hyunjins baffled face looked down to his pose, suddenly seeing what you meant before playfully batting at your arm.

“Yah! I meant the art!”

After your giggles died down, you made Hyunjin go get you a drink so you could truly appreciate the copious amount of art laid out before you without anxious eyes drilling into you. You were amazed at the story the pieces told, a clear depiction of Hyunjins' rapid growth. Hyunjin had laid everything out in the order he made them, grouping them off by medium. In every group was seemingly his first ever attempt at each category and you were so impressed by how the third or fourth piece he had seemed to have gotten a firm grasp on what he was doing - but he especially excelled at mixing oils, charcoal, and pastels. Pieces of implied figures defined by rough, purposefully unstructured lines and filled in with smears of colors became a staple as you continued to flip through pieces. One of your favorite pieces was what appeared to be a page of scribbles, but as you focused your gaze, the features of a familiar face came into view. You were unable to put a finger on who the person in question was, but you were able to make out that it was a woman.

“Here we go, one hot chocolate with marshmallow and whipped cream.” You head jerked up as Hyunjin returned with two mugs, and you mumbled a thank you as you took it, making room so Hyunjin could sit beside you.

“So, thoughts?” He asked as he took a drink from his mug, smiling at how you already had whipped cream clinging to your lips.

“Mmh, I love these. You got so good, so fast.”

“I told you my art's been taking up more of my time. I've been kind of addicted to the feeling of making something.”

“It suits you,” you smiled, resting your mug of chocolate on your leg and reaching for your favorites. “I love these. You can really see that at this point you've developed a style, and it's really cool.”

Hyunjin looked at the pieces you've collected, chuckling at himself. You probably didn't notice, but, in a way, each of these were about you. One was an abstract portrait of your face, based on a memory from when the two of you were kids. The second was what it felt like whenever he made love to you, not whenever he would fuck you silly, but when he would hold you gently, kiss you passionately, and would tell you he loved you in every other way but in words. The third was a representation of the pain he felt, realizing that despite everything, you would never truly be his.

“Would you like them, Beautiful?”

“Oh, Hyunnie, really?” You asked with glee, your bright smile filling him with joy.

“Of course, I wouldn't let anyone else have them,” he said gently, reaching out to wipe the whipped cream that you so selfishly refused to lick from your lips. You gasped at the contact, his fingers eliciting flames beneath your skin, and you found your abruptly standing, setting down your drink and making your way to the door of the make-shift art studio.

“So what else have you been working on?” You asked with a bit more force than was needed.

In a panic, Hyunjin bolted from the couch, almost spilling his hot chocolate over some of his charcoal sketches as he hastily set down the mug.

“No, no, no, barred from entry!” Hyunjin shouted, lifting you from the ground mere seconds before you could even touch the handle.

“Ah! Hyunjin, put me down!”

“No!”

“Why can't I go in?!”

“Because I said so!” Hyunjin rebuttaled, putting you back down on the ground but refusing to let you go. For a moment, you believed you had a chance to escape, but before you could even attempt to sprint away, Hyunjins fingers began dancing at your side. You squealed, squirming and jolting as Hyunjin tickled you mercilessly.

“I- I want… to seeeeee!” You whined between gasps of air, but Hyunjin only doubled down, releasing your waist entirely to tickle you with both hands, causing you to drop to your knees with Hyunjin following.

“Barred. From. Entry.” He enunciated, reaching beyond your sides to any vulnerable spot he could use to his advantage, giggling as you attempted to squirm away.

“Okay, okay, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I won't go in, I promise!” You acquiesced.

Instantly, Hyunjin removed his hands, letting you sit up and catch your breath before wrapping his arms around you. Resting your head on his chest, you pouted, a childish need to see what he was currently working on rushing through you.

“You must be working on something big. You never hide anything from me.” You felt Hyunjins’ laugh rumble in his chest as he nuzzled your head.

“Don't be mad, it's just… the art in there. If I let you see it, it would be like I let you read my diary. I get really vulnerable in there and not that I don't trust you, but I've just been… feeling some things I'm not ready to share with anyone yet.”

You pouted again, this time at yourself, feeling silly. He shouldn't feel like he had to defend himself. That wasn't fair to him. Yes, it hurt not being aware of every facet of his life, but he deserved to have things he could keep to himself, it was only fair considering there were things you could no longer share with him either now that your relationship has changed. So, with a huff, you relented.

“Don't apologize, Jinnie, I'm just being pouty. If you feel like it's too private, then I won't pry,” you reassured him, leaning up and pressing a chaste kiss to his cheek.

Hyunjins heart gave a clunky thud but he attempted to just take the moment for what it was. A warm moment between friends, a moment where one friend was simply reassuring the other and showing her comfort through a platonic show of affection. But when Hyunjin pulled away, fully intending to simply smile and thank you, his eyes met your lips over your gaze and he couldn't feel anything other than the warmth of your body in his arms, the softness of your hair, the memories of your lips against his and thoughtlessly he began to lean in.

You held your breath, completely captivated by the electricity buzzing between the two of you. Your mind was blank, your body waiting for the heat that always came when Hyunjins lips brushed against yours. If you closed your eyes, you could always recall how he'd tease whenever he had the time to, how he would ghost his lips over yours before pressing into you more aggressively, lingering just long enough that you melt before snapping away and leaving you breathless.

It was when Hyunjins ringed hand rested against your cheek that you broke back into reality, the cold metal a biting reminder that he was too close.

“Hyunjin…” you breathed, his lips a breath away from yours.

A slight gasp spilled from Hyunjin as he swiftly pulled away from you, standing and walking into the living room. He had to put as much space between you and him as possible. What the hell was he doing? What was wrong with him?

“Oh god, Y/N, I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me.” Hyunjin could feel the guilt washing over him and had to bury his face in his hands to keep himself calm. He couldn't help but notice that the metal on his hands wasn't as cold as it usually would be.

This was it, though, right? He's totally crossed a line. Surely you'd never want to be alone with him again.

“Ah… that was close,” you said after a moment, your head still reeling. “I guess this is what you meant when you said we'd need to break a few habits.” Now it was your turn to smile sheepishly. Hyunjin dropped his hands, and your heart constricted as wide, glassy eyes looked over to you.

“You're not mad?”

“What? Hyunjin, no, of course I'm not mad. It's not like we actually kissed, we just got caught up in the moment,” you said, walking over and taking one of his hands in yours, your gaze focused on twiddling with his fingers. You had wanted to hug him but thought better of it, you didn't want to risk another close call. “I… I'm not saying I feel good about what almost happened, but… this is our first time seeing each other since Changbin and I started dating, and we're still… adjusting. I don't know if this really is the right thing to say, but I don't think we did anything wrong since we didn't actually kiss.”

Your eyes trailed up to his, your gaze holding his in a silent urge for him to calm down. Taking a deep breath, Hyunjin nodded, running his free hand through his hair.

“I guess… it wouldn't be bad of us to give each other a little bit of grace, yeah?”

“Yeah, I think so too,” you said with relief, dropping his hand and taking a step back, trying to work some breathing room between the two of you. “And if you're really feeling bad about this, you can always paint about it in your little room there.”

Scoffing Hyunjin tossed a pillow from the couch at you, walking over to the spare room and rapping on the door with his knuckles.

“I’ll let you see it if I ever do.”

“I'll hold you to that.”

After a beat of silence, you decided now was a good time to bow out, still feeling awkward from the almost kiss and not wanting to push your luck. Hyunjin walked you to your car but made sure to keep a small gap between you two, too afraid to even touch you. He may still want you but not like this, he never wanted to ruin your happiness in such a way, so instead he simply imagined a part of him was being held close in the three pieces you clutched tightly to your chest.

Once you had wished him goodnight and drove off, Hyunjin dashed back inside and changed into his ratty paint attire. He needed to paint, to vent, to get out all of the overflowing feelings he had struggled so desperately to reign in the moment he almost kissed you.

Walking into his studio, he gathered his supplies and replaced the canvas he had on the easel with a painting he had been working on periodically. This one was special. He had to get it right. Stepping back, he looked over the piece before continuing to render out the forms, sweeping his brush over his pallet and collecting hues that matched the mood he wanted to convey. If he was being honest with himself, out of all the pieces, this was the one he wanted you to see the least, the main centerpiece of all his vulnerability and desires. He had been struggling to name it, but after tonight, he knew exactly what to call it. Taking a nearby hard pastel, Hyunjin turned over the canvas, scrawlling in swift motions the words:

“What Once was Mine”

---------------------------------------

DEAR GOD I STRUGGLED LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER TRYING TO WRAP THIS CHAPTER UP!!! I started off all well and good, had a good rhythm going. Then freaking mom life stepped in and next thing I knew it was Friday already, what the FAWK???? I barely got this chapter out by the skin of my teeth 😭

Anyway just... here, here ya go. Enjoy the moral shades of grey with that almost kiss at the end. I'm gonna go rest my eyes now omg.

Taglist: @groovygroovyhyunjin @hhwangsmoon @luvyblossom @doggezz@kayleefriedchicken @hyunjinhoexxx

[lonesomedotmp3]

ok enough time has passed. short n sweet song rating

taste - I like it! it's kinda of overproduced and ditzy (like, sonically? I don't know how to describe it. hollow ig) but it's fun petty a little bit gay it helps that the mv is really good 8/10

please please please - like. whatever. I'm honestly over it. 5/10

good graces - 2/10 I do not like this song as soon as I heard this song I knew it was over for us I'm serious. melody is good but the lyrics and vibe is garbage and it DOES NOTTTTT FIT ON THIS FUCKING ALBUMMMMMM

sharpest tool - this is the closest song we have that could be an eics song. but crucially it's not so it's not as good. but I still like it <3 the "we never talk about it" end to the chorus and its repetition is really lame and underwhelming though idk. 7/10

coincidence - I really like this one I like the aggressive guitar I like the whispery adlibs. doesn't feel like it fits the album much (though truly what does fit the album the album is nothing!) and it NEEDS a better longer bridge.... why are these songs so fucking shortttt SABRINA. ANSWER MY CALLS. 8/10

bed chem - I kinda like this one sorry beth... in a sense this is everything wrong with new sabrina but well I think we'd have really good come right on me I mean camaraderie said you're not in my time zone but you wanna be where art thou why not uponeth me see it in my mind let's fulfil the prophecy. bridge is ass though 6/10

espresso - I am still not sick of that's that me espresso... that's literally that me espresso. 10/10 yes it ushered in a horrible era but it's a banger I'm sorry. I'm sorry you can't accept when a song is catchy and fun. what I hate though is it should have been an individual single song like honeymoon fades. the vintage beach vibes stand out so heavily against the production of literally every other song I know I already said loads of songs don't fit (BECAUSE. NOTHING FITS IT'S REALLY BAD GUYS) but it's true of this song most of all. you're literally listening to an entirely different sound and album for three minutes... 10/10 but she shouldn't even be here. or alternatively maybe if the whole album gave this sound and energy it would've been good 🤷

dumb and poetic - I LOVED this on first listen now I don't really care. her voice on "jack off to lyrics by leonard cohen" and the kinda reverb is so good as well as you're so empathetic you'd make a great wife and I promise the mushrooms aren't changing your life... also this seriously happened to rachel mcguire I can't emphasise that enough! 6/10

slim pickins - god. YAWN. I liked this when I saw the live version before the album drop but the production sucked all the life out of it lol. it's repetitive and the gay awakening line pisses me off. that one tiktok voice I'll break your heart just as bad!!!! but I do love the line lord knows he isn't living large... 4/10

juno - I literally switch between loving and hating this. "you make me wanna make you fall in love" is SO fun... but wowie it does not resonate... and using juno as the vehicle to describing wanting to get pregnant is so weird idk she was a teen and she should've aborted that thing... whatever. it's definitely one of the best sounding on the album 6/10

lie to girls - boring but pretty good. the how many things of short n sweet perhaps. 5/10 ok actually I'm listening now and I'm not fucking with it at all. 3/10

don't smile - I tune out by this point. sounds nice 5/10 but makes no sense as a closer for an album that's ENTIRE deal is I'm confident and sexy and silly!!! like girl where is the silly. this is such an abrupt serious end to a bunch of nonsense. excuse my phrasing. juno should've been the last song DUH end on a HIGH not a phony moment of emotion

AS AN ALBUM. literally none of this coheres it's all over the place even though all of the songs are also kinda about the same things and it gets really repetitive? I don't know how she did that but she did. that's some sort of accomplishment. it's so bad. sorry I really hate it. 2/10

[acheronist]

how did you start learning tattooing? what made you want to try it?

ohh... hm. Well. Okay to be so honest and short and easy with you I was really depressed and having my quarter life crisis and so I picked it up as a way to try and get myself back on track with like. being alive + doing something semi-meaningful with my life lol

here's the longer detail stuff that I fear is a bit too tenderhearted to just have out in the open

💌

near the end of last year (november-ish) I was yapping with a friend of mine from art school who ended up getting into tattooing after we had graduated, and explaining that i didn't like how publishing illustration was treating me and i felt like i was spinning my wheels and going nowhere. so she really encouraged me to give tattooing a shot? because I needed to do something different and she thought my art style could be really well suited for tattooing... and ofc i've been tangentially aware of tattoo culture but i was always kind of too scared that I wasn't like........ GOOD OR COOL ENOUGH? FOR IT? it seemed very intense and like there wasn't going to be room for me yknow. but anyways after talking with my friend i started doing a lot of research about like.. the history of tattoo culture and how techniques developed over the centuries and what are the popular styles now and what modern health/safety expectations of tat artists are now etc. just kind of taking it all in. following a lot of artists on social media etc and talking to my friend about what her apprenticeship entailed... but I bought myself a shitty cheap tattoo kit online in december and spent most of december-february just trying to teach myself how to handle a rotary pen machine and get a feel for it? and basically spent all of my time either playing around with my machine and fake practice skins or drawing or researching about tattoo history. and then in february/march I redid my whole portfolio with some neo trad designs + my other illust work and started visiting some local shops and basically just begging for 15 minutes to talk to someone in the industry and figure out if I was hopeless or not lmaooo. I went to about five shops and got soundly rejected / turned down from all of them, so I was really taking it as a sign that I should give up? but then the last shop I was going to try was like. idk it felt different and way more optimistic than everywhere else I'd tried at.... the artists on break at the time all took a chance to look thru my portfolio and talk to me, the shop owner is an angel, and so we went from "can I just ask for your professional opinion on if I suck at this or not" to getting introduced to everyone as they were working like "this is isabel she's gonna be our new apprentice!😊" which was!!!!!! CRAZY.

and so it took about two weeks after that before one of the more experienced artists in the shop was like 🙄 Fine I will teach another fucking apprentice I guess. Whatever. and I was like oh no he hates me. (turns out there's some shop lore about how awful the last apprentice was and everyone was kind of waiting to see if I'd turn out the same way) so I've just been working really hard ever since to prove I'm serious and now I'm everyone's favorite little idiot in my shop eheheh

but yeah! so I've been apprenticing officially in my shop since the end of march!!! just learning and trying to be helpful for my artists and trying to take it on the chin that I'm brand new and still learning and have a long way to go yet without getting miserable about it... but I feel very optimistic and way better now than I did in december, and everyone in my shop is soooo so kind and encouraging of my progress it really does feel like... Oh there is hope for me after all!

but yeah anyways. I just wanted to have an archive of my work as I progress and improve? so now everyone who follows my stupid ass blog has to bear witness to me being slightly bad at tattooing for months yet xoxoxo

[springtrappd]

@limbsandheads this entire blog has actually been an elaborate operation to convert as many people to vannyism as possible via the "shite posts" of the youth. Glad to see it's working

jokes aside: HEHEHEHE THANK YOU... yeah a big part of getting comfy in my niche here has been getting comfortable enough to actually, like, POST my anaylsis /because/ of the complete lack of it elsewhere. being counterculture can be a tough place to be in! the amount of times i've had to hold myself back or scrap something bc i'm unsure if i'm gonna get dragged into explaining, idk, what a fucking metaphor is or some shit... ugh. awful do not recommend. i'm not sure what's worse: people who refuse to believe that parallels exist, or people that understand that parallels exist but only as fodder for theories (which are, as we all know, the most important part of any satisfying story)

i think people in general have a hostile response to any kind of serious analysis precisely because it's serious; it feels like... there's this pervasive sense -- particularly when you talk to the people that i'm thinking of here -- that academia is somehow Other or (views itself as) Superior in some way, thus making the act of engaging in it about posturing rather than, well. study. people have a very strict idea of what art is, even if only subconsciously, and react accordingly when the Other comes in to try and take away their favourite toy. games are fun; analysis is not. why can't you just let people enjoy things, you're just doing this for attention, etc etc etc. it's a position borne of ignorance, one that assumes that you can separate art from play at all -- and one that finds itself most vulnerable to exploitation. it's fundamentally reactionary rhetoric, is what i'm getting at here, and why i can so easily swap out stupid fnaf jargon for a conservative strawman and still get the point across.

anti-intellectualism sucks because it sucks all the joy out of art. like, for all i joke about being fuelled by spite, you'll find that even my most virulent snark comes from a place of love. i talk about this shit because i love it; because i love the actors and writers and art directors and character designers and production teams and editors, every single one of them, and there's nothing quite as intimate as a dissection. to peel back the layers of a piece of art is to ultimately shine a light on the things beneath -- all the blood and bone and gristle, where the artist has been pressed between the pages... to look at someone and know them, to sit and think about what they wanted to say -- what is that, if not love?

you aren't born knowing how to say "i love you". it's something you've gotta learn. and this is what we in the biz call a """METAPHOR""",

also, while we're here: fun fact! i actually write a lot of my stuff off-the-cuff, which is why the flow is often weird/words are missing/it might take a wild left turn away from the original subject? (like i'm low-key doing rn!) it's something that makes me cringe, but also fuels my desire to get around to writing a proper essay abt this terrible franchise eventually... i've got pages of bullet points & notes scattered around the place (& hundreds of discord messages to pull from, oh god), it's just the practical part of it that makes me want to crawl back into my skin. until then you are stuck with the Crazed Ravings (Autism Flavour), (un)fortunately (depending on how you look at it)

[leyyvi]

Ive always wanted to go to art school but everyone always tells me it sucks? Like the students can be real mean and pretentious

i don't go to a solely art-focused school so i can't speak on the students but i do feel like there's a lot of different types of art students in art majors and you kind of have to find your people for sure. in upper division art for me at least people are VERY competitive and can be very self/outwardly critical and depending on the field it can be rough. (like graphic design is rooooough) i think if you want to be serious about art in education you have to have a tough skin bc your work WILL be ripped apart either by other students or teachers at some point. but at the same time i've met some really cool people that i still keep in touch with! i'm just not a very sociable person in general so aaaa

sfssdfhsjf and i'm gonna be honest unless you are VERY serious about making art your career while ALSO maximizing your networking at those fancy art schools (getting to know your instructors, mentors, other students, taking advantage of career events the school may have) then maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe it could be worth it.

BUT i think it's completely doable to also achieve great things at state schools and UCs! i cannot recommend taking community college GEs and then going into state/UC route enough especially if you're not 100% sure what you want to do after college! ofc this isn't meant to discourage you to be passionate about art school! i've also seen peers from high school go to art school and be super successful too! it really depends on how you handle art education. it takes a lot of self discipline imo fgjkhjkfhdg

UHHH SORRY FOR RAMBLING? IDK IF THIS HELPED LOL

[allthingsfook]

Hi there!! Not sure if you are still doing ships but if you are could i please have one??

My name is Shae i am 22 years old and a virgo (Sagittarius Moon Rising if that is of any use). I have green/grey? eyes and auburn-ish curly hair (ish because it only looks red in the sun) and i’m about 5’3. I have been told that i am an extremely loyal person and that i am hilarious and should be a comedian. I am very opinionated and am also not afraid to call people out when i see fit and that has gotten me in trouble a couple of times but i’d rather let someone know when i am not happy than just suck it up to make the other person comfortable (lets just say you don’t want to get on my bad side).I am an extremely creative person i love to paint and sculpt and do anything hands on. I danced for 18 years, 15 of them competitively and could have made a career out of it if i wanted to. I can sing as well as play a few instruments (did violin for 3 years, learned the basics of ukulele, i kinda know guitar? But I haven’t touched it in years so who knows how i am at it now). I have worked with animals before and loved it so much i am trying to get into the animal course in my state so i can continue to do so. I am a HUGE nerd especially for anything to do with pop culture, history and Mythology and i love anything nostalgic. I’m a huge thrifter and i love any old type of media (vhs tapes,cameras, things of that sort) i also love to explore new places and love a good bushwalk. I am known in my friend group for being cow obsessed (to the point that if my friends are on a roadtrip and see a cow they will send me a pic) and for being full of a wide range of knowledge that even I don’t understand where it comes from. I think that’s enough info and Idk how to end this so bye

Hi Shae, yes you may! I ship you with…

Sam 🤍🌅🧡

Sammy is definitely a goober, he needs to be with someone who can take and give a joke! Being with him is sorta like living at a comedy show, nothing is mundane. With that being said, Sammy does have a serious, intellectual side. He often gets labeled as the class clown, but I am sure that he can be your rock when you need it.

Another characteristic you both share is being honest to a fault! Your honesty and strong views would capture Sam’s attention from the very beginning and remain his favorite quality about you. Sam is certainly attracted to those that march to their own drum. Sounds like you fill those shoes!

Your artistic side would create quality time between the two of you. He’d love tackling an art project on a Sunday afternoon. Imagine setting up a craft station in the backyard and spending the day painting and sculpting, listening to music and sipping wine!

Sammy would certainly encourage you to exercise your inner musician. He’d set you up with all sorts of instruments, encouraging you through this at home lessons 🤭 Although his methods may seem scatterbrained, you’d slowly realize they are effective when you practice while he’s away.

As we all know, Sam is passionate about wildlife and animals. He’d support you in any way to get into the animal course! Through your adventure with that, I could see him tagging along to events that include petting, feeding, and snuggling animals 😆 He’d beg to bring home an impractical animal and convince you that he could make it work!

Sam is the definition of nerd. Imagine laying in bed when he brings up the most random topic, then you lay there for hours on end… discussing your thoughts, feelings, and ambitions 🤍 Thrifting right up his alley ✅ Media… Photograohy, yup ✅ I see he’s been walking around with a vintage camera lately. So sweet to think Joe inspired him to document his creative vision. I’d love to see the film he gets developed. With you, no doubt he’d end up with rolls filled with candids of your beautiful face 💗

I hope you enjoyed your ship, Shae!!! Let me know what you think ✨✨

[russenoire]

some points raised by AI advocates that made me stroke my chin and maybe even empathize a tiny bit.

idk, but i like nuance and think it gets elided easily in online discussions. i do not think these below are GOOD justifications, ever, for plundering the hard work and talent of human artists using AI to make art for profit, but they're valid points.

some people tempted by or who make AI art

don't want to take the time to 'git gud, n00b' because they emphatically do not enjoy the process of sucking at shit until they don't suck. and this includes those who might be interested in taking the time, but look at everything they feel might be required and think: 'i could go to film or art school for 3+ years or i could spend 30 minutes tailoring a midjourney prompt.' i kinda get this one, tbh. artistic skill is hard-won whether you're formally trained or not. i am untrained; i would say self-trained. but i never stopped drawing as a child like most people do. something visually and mentally clicked for me, something that i couldn't even articulate until i read drawing on the right side of the brain in my 20s, that allowed me to jump over the initial 'why can't i just draw what i SEE AAAAKSHDKF' hurdle. maybe this is what 'talent' actually means? that early mental/visual shift—where you come to see the world and things in it as a collection of shapes, lines, planes, lights, darks, color blocks, mostly divorced from context or meaning—is present in others like myself, and it does smooth your path. adults just draw for two, three, four years, compare themselves to people who felt some version of that aforementioned shift and/or went to art school, and conclude that they 'have no talent'. while that understandably feels like a long-ass time to go nowhere fast, three years really isn't a lot of time for organic, undirected skill development. i'm serious. inventing the wheel by yourself takes fucking forever; my drawings didn't stop sucking until i was around 11 or 12. that's half my childhood. easily. but actually taking classes or diving into hardcore study? can and will drastically shorten that time. the progress i've seen competent drawing teachers achieve with their students in weeks or months, or artists on youtube who do frequent, deliberate practice in a year is not a miracle. real progress is attainable within a reasonable fucking frame of time IF YOU WANT IT.

really, really aren't satisfied with art that looks bad to them and still want to realize their ideas. and i'm talking crying themselves to sleep over the mismatch between their own skills and said ideas. that frustration is REAL and a version of it is actually a huge factor in why children stop drawing. see all of the above. i don't know how to ease the pain of that skill mismatch. me, i sat with a lot of frustration for a long time; hell, I STILL DO. i think i'd still be halfway decent at lineart and intimidated by actually painting it if i hadn't just started pushing myself to fucking PAINT already, even if it looked really basic. being simultaneously OK with whatever you can do right now and still striving to improve is emotionally difficult. and i know it hurts to have a really cool idea and feel blocked from making it real, especially if you're just not there yet. 'THEN JUST COMMISSION AN ARTIST,' i can hear you artists screaming from the ether. yo. artists are expensive. we are, and we kinda need to be to make a decent living or a feasible side hustle (i'm not going to get into artists underselling themselves). i do think most folks in this boat are not greedy tech bros, just ordinary working class folks who want beauty that is good enough without having to shovel over half a week's paycheck for it. to which i would also argue... dude, you can just save up, too.

often only recognize certain styles of painting (realism or hyperrealism; super-glossy, shiny, high contrast digital painting) as art and want to make art like THAT. putting aside the fact that art is all-encompassing and literally anything can be art, paintings in realistic styles are what i would argue most lay people think of as capital-A art. there is a reason why dictators tend to discourage or prohibit non-realist art; why the early USSR and CPC commissioned bright realist murals everywhere; why more abstract art didn't really catch fire in the western world until the advent of photography. people can see themselves and their history, represented in full color and often writ large. that's fucking powerful and sometimes lost, i think, on those of us who see things differently. but that kind of art is even more out of reach for the lay person who wants it. it takes far longer to make and train for, and artists who work in a realistic style can and do command stupid money. not everyone has that kind of patience or pockets that deep.

firmly believe that some people have more talent than others, so skill development doesn't matter. these are usually the people i mentioned in my first point, who've actually tried for months or years to git gud but never knew how or what to practice. they've been exposed to lots of people their age who felt the shift™ and can't really explain their faster improvement. if you know this feel, gentle reader, and have no clue what's actually happening, i understand why you might throw in the towel. US culture in particular is terrible at growing and nurturing talent of all kinds, and artists don't often share the hours they're actually pouring into improving specific skills. 'talent' by itself is fucking useless; a person who is willing to work at continual improvement will mop up the floor with someone who doesn't think they need to build skill. artists know this. and if you don't feel that shift as a kid, you can learn how to unlock it as an adult.

[americannoteven]

Thanks @roseofcards90 for the tag ily homie

1. Are you named after anyone? Not someone, but according to my mom, she named me after some daytime soap opera in the 90s called "Savannah". I've legit tried to research this show and I can never find anything so I take it with a grain of salt. My nickname tho, Nilla, came not from Nilla Wafers but an old friend of mine calling me by my last name and shortening it over time to where it just became Nilla.

2. When was the last time you cried? Lmao last week actually, homie and I were watching Guardians of the Galaxy 2 and I kinda got sappy over the ending

3. Do you have kids? No, unless you count my sweet leopard gecko, then yes. She's my sassy daughter.

4. What sports do you play/have you played? I played community rec league softball when I was just getting in middle school and enjoyed it for a bit, but ultimately left it to play American football throughout middle school and my freshman year of high school. I ended up getting chronically ill and couldn't keep up with the physical demand but went back for one last year of softball in my sophomore year before realizing "oh my god I SUCK at sports". (Still love watching them tho!)

5. Do you use sarcasm? I used to HEAVILY. I think I still use it around people I know and trust but I find myself not using it as much or ill intentionally dramatize the tone to make sure people don't know I'm serious.

6. What's the first thing you notice about someone? Thinking about, I think their hair actually! What color is it, what shape and length is it? Is it flat?? Frizzy?? Curly?? You can tell a lot about a person about their hair.

7. Eye color? Grayish-green

8. Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings, fuck scary movies. Unless it's psychological horror then I eat that shit UP.

9. Any talents? Idk people think I'm funny??

10. Where were you born? Pennsylvania, USA!

11. Hobbies? God, none at the moment. I've fallen so far off my horse but I wanna get back into writing so bad! I also wanna try and doodle some art more, not give a fuck about how it looks or whatever. I also really want to focus on myself so a two-fold plan of more travel and more working out and getting fit again! I used to weightlifting and jog like a FIEND.

12. Any pets? My one Leopard Gecko, Drexie! I love her,,

13. Height? 5'2'' SHORT KING SHIT

14. Favorite school subject? I was a beast at this creative writing elective I took senior year of high school. Otherwise, there was this 3D Design art class I took all four years of high school because I straight up just enjoyed it so much.

15. Dream job? I simply do not dream of labor. Nah, I mean doing work as a diesel mech right now is actually pretty neat, and I'm kinda glad I never pursued writing as a career since I know my ass would have been burnt out. However, if no brainwork were to be involved, I would so lean towards translator/interpreter as linguistics is so cool.

Okay I feel brave enough to be obnoxious, feel free to do it if you want: @labyrintherim @deaddying @9ureshin @elipoms @hyiian @cappyjara @mannatea @garbgekun

Was tagged by @humanaaa and @hholandies!! Thanks for the tags ^^

1. Are you named after anyone? Kinda?? My first and second names are supposed to come from angels of the bible (or as so i was told), but istg the one from my first name DOES NOT exist. I searched everywhere and came up empty-handed lol

2. When was the last time you cried? Last week when i replayed Adastra. The catharsis was so strong it disintegrated my core being into dust fr fr

3. Do you have kids? Nope!! And i don't plan to!!

4. What sports do you play/have you played? I practiced judo when i was very very tiny, but i was too scrawny and clumsy for it. Left before even making it out of the white belt LMAO Also a little before high school i used to play basketball and swim!! Now i just bike regularly if that somehow counts SKDJFDKF

5. Do you use sarcasm? Very very rarely

6. What's the first thing you notice about someone? Their outfit!!

7. Eye color? Brown!!

8. Scary movies or happy endings? C-Can i have both 🥺👉👈 But if i had to choose between them i think i'd go with a scary movie

9. Any talents? Being good at math counts?? SKJSJSJD

10. Where were you born? BRASIL NÚMERO 1 CAMPEÃO DO MUNDO ����🇷🇧🇷🇧🇷🇧🇷🇧🇷🇧🇷

11. Hobbies? Since the start of the year i picked up drawing again!! I sometimes play videogames, but i haven't been doing it that much lately. I take walks a few days of the week. I also like watching/reading stuff but that one's a given

12. Any pets? We have two dogs!! Fiona, the bigger one we adopted, and Moana, the smaller one that adopted us!! (i also wanted a cat but everyone here's allergic and hates them to death for some reason)

13. Height? I must be between 1.70m ~ 1.72m?? I haven't measured my height in quite some time lol

14. Favorite school subject? Unsurprisingly, math!!

15. Dream job? I used to dream of becoming a programmer or a game developer, but i've become quite disillusioned with the industry. Now i really have no idea LMAO

Tagging @not-too-many-eyes @rainbowghostcat @candckirby @seariii @gunsli-01 @roseofcards90 and anyone else that feels like it!!

[claitea]

just finished dual destinies... it was okay! i liked it! i can see why people have their gripes about it, its definitely not the best game i've ever played, but at least it isn't justice for all

(i ranted in the tags without realizing there was a tag limit so i'll continue in a reblog...)

[cozycryptidcorner]

So what is your major? And what do you want to change to?

Art education. I have always wanted to do something that involves kids because as the oldest of nine that’s just been a natural skill set and I liked art but did not have the confidence to think I was good enough to be a full time artist. But I am actually better at art than I thought, and more serious about committing to the skill set to the point where despite not being an actual ceramics major I’m good enough to compete with them. Which makes me really upset to think about how much better I would have been now if I actually committed.

Plus the USA school system sucks ass and a huge part of the art education schooling is “how to make your art class stem-friendly” “how to convince principals this is a good class that benefits students in stem” “how to create a duo-discipline curriculum with a STEM subject” and “how to convince parents that your grading is fair bc Art just isn’t ‘showing up to class’ it’s actually more than that” and like. Idk. I’ve been fighting to defend my very existence my entire life and having to do that more sounds exhausting. Plus there’s a teacher shortage for a reason. Teachers are just not respected in this country to the point where a good chunk of them are dead because their schools did not take the necessary COVID precautions to ensure their safety.

Honestly I would not mind the teaching bit if I was hired in a studio setting, just not a school one. Public schools are ok, private schools are worse, and charter schools are wild cards.

Plus drafting and publishing a 400 page curriculum you are never going to use after a specific class is like. Insane. I am putting so much work into something no one else but my professor will ever care about.

PLUS IM NOT SURE IF ANY OF YOU NOTICED BUT I HAVE A BIT OF A NO-NONSENSE PERSONALITY. I would never yell or raise my voice in class or make kids feel like they are less than because that never fosters an environment of learning which is always my end goal, no matter the setting.

but if their parents are coming for me and being unreasonable… Girlies I go for throats

[earthstellar]

OK I’m gonna talk for a long time about a character almost nobody but me is interested in, but I love her so please put up with me for a minute here lol 

alright, here we go:��

I feel like Road Rage is absolutely among the least-utilised G1 characters ever, which sucks because I love her so much!!! 

Here’s a summary of her bio from TF Wiki: 

Road Rage is the bodyguard/advisor of Ambassador Crosscut. 

She is well-versed in alien cultures and generally cheerful, making her a very good diplomat. 

However, a chronic short-out in her vehicle mode causes her to live up to her name; in car mode, she is a snarling, swerving speed machine with little regard—if not utter contempt—for anyone else on the road with her.

Which reminds me a lot of how they handled Grimlock as he’s depicted in Cyberverse, where he’s very polite and highly intelligent in root mode, but in alt-mode he’s out there fucking shit up, lmao.

And of course, she’s visually interesting because out of all the G1 femme bots, Road Rage is a big departure from the “typical” femme bot frame type, with a far more heavy-duty feel to her compared to Chromia, Moonracer, Arcee, etc. -- Her original G1 toy was just a re-deco of Tracks. 

I can’t help but wonder how much her aesthetics played a role in her never really getting that much traction in Western/English language media... Sigh. 

Although Road Rage does make an appearance in IDW 2! 

And she does also appear in TFA as well: 

However, in both IDW 2 and TFA, her frame type/model seems to have been adjusted quite a bit, and okay fine, but I feel like the heavy weight and serious look of the original G1 design gets a little lost in the redesigns and she ends up losing a lot of personality as a result, visually speaking.  

Don’t get me wrong, I totally get that adjustments for art style / modernisation to match other character models etc. is a thing that needs to happen as part of natural art evolution and so on! 

No problem with that; There’s a lot of consideration that goes into any character design process, and of course, it’s Transformers so toy models need to be taken into consideration as well, lol. 

But I look at the original G1 Tracks re-deco design of Road Rage, and I think that IDK, making her less brick-like doesn’t really feel quite right to me, personally. (Of course, that’s just my opinion, and the redesigns aren’t inherently bad at all!)

In TFA they also made her a bounty hunter for-justice type character, but personally, I love her original bio. Kick ass diplomatic advisor. That’s so fucking strong!!!! 

It just feels so much more unique and interesting to me, although I get that with TFA they were already working with a fairly large cast of characters with lots going on etc. and you gotta do what you gotta do to make things work for the story that you are trying to tell (or the story you are already in the middle of telling, which is often the case, lmao).

I just really like the idea of this very cordial diplomat’s advisor being a fucking HUGE MASSIVE POWERHOUSE LADY and looking threatening as shit, but actually she’s very chill and is there to help! 

(Until she almost runs you off the road later but hey that’s not 100% her fault, she feels bad about it, she’ll help you get to the hotel so you can get ready for the speaker’s hall event later. No worries. lmao)

But still, IDK, it would be nice to see some more non-”typical” femme bots on a more regular basis. 

I love the hell out of Termagax in IDW 2, Clobber in Cyberverse, etc. and tbh please give me more femme bots who are wide as hell. 

Just, give me some absolutely huge femme bots. 

(If we ever see Termagax animated in anything, I will lose my shit entirely, please give us more Termagax, I love her.) 

I mean, come on, the G1 Road Rage design has that prominent hood torso/chest design that evokes TFA Ratchet’s “beer belly”-- It’s right there!!! Visually, it’s doable!!! 

I feel like TFA Road Rage could have still had a fair enough redesign to match the style of the series but retained a larger / heavier set frame??? 

(Of course, this may not have been done for whatever reasons, but we have so few fat or even just generally big lady bots, and I feel like the G1 design for Road Rage could absolutely be interpreted in subsequent art styles / toy designs as being a wider / heavier frame type???) 

We don’t see a lot of huge, heavy femme bots. The ones we do see are typically neutrals or Decepticons. We could use a few more fat lady Autobots, I’m just saying! But also just more large, strong, boxy, fat, etc. femme bots in general. 

Again, not dunking on the IDW 2 / TFA designs, both art styles generally kick ass, but I love the G1 design for her so much. 

Look at her. She’s so fucking powerful. I feel like the subsequent redesigns don’t really capture that sense of “absolute fucking rectangle of a femme bot”, but of course they also adjusted her character bio a bit for the redesigns too, so IDK. 

In TFA, we already have some big bots like Bulkhead and of course, Ratchet’s got a pretty prominent robo-gut. We know it can be done!! 

And in IDW 2, we do have a bit more frame type diversity, which is always welcome. <3 

It just would have been interesting to see TFA Road Rage’s original hood torso/chest worked into a similar design to Ratchet’s, with a wider set frame, broader limbs, and thicker/bigger door wings to match-- Since her G1 model could already be interpreted as being pretty big, and it might have been a fun little throwback design / nod to the original for those who were already familiar with this character. 

I mean, her original frame type was based on Tracks, and look at how they redesigned Tracks for TFA. Not a super big guy or anything lol, but it’s clear they played around with this frame type redesign concept in at least a couple ways. 

So IDK!!!! I just love the original G1 Road Rage, and while I’m not dunking on the later redesigns of the character, I feel like it would be really cool to see a big lady bot in an interesting role like diplomatic advisor. 

TL;DR: PLEASE GIVE ME THE FAT GOD TIER DIPLOMATIC ADVISOR VERSION OF ROAD RAGE, SHE IS LARGE AND SMART AND I LOVE HER.

[taeyamayang]

FIRST OFF im terribly sorry for replying late to this, i had a lot going on (personally, some stuff i cant say here) so ive been out of tumblr or social media in general but hey! when i saw this i got really excited! i'd love to know how you're doing (even if im late to it

WILLOOOOOOOW omg she's gotten so big?? i have pretty small body frame so i feel like meeting willow and her jumping to me will make me fall to my back (but ngl i love it when dogs hugs me in a rough way lol they're just so cute and cuddly!). can i just say that willow looks like a prim and proper young lady ready to be served in a five star fine dining? lol she is sooo cute LOOK AT HER PAWS! it's curved like those of cats

I remember hyperfixating on boku no hero too! i almost became a writer for MHA but there just too many characters and i didnt know where to start and what you said is actually true! it's hard to look for content of characters you like esp on tumblr since this app has few users in comparison to twitter (or X) or other apps. i liked stain before too! lol but i've always been a loyal to todoroki, hawks, and amajiki.

OHMYGOD YOUR SELF THO YOUR SELF!! that is some serious goals there. please, i want to collect stuff too but you know, adulting just sucks sometimes (nah im actually just very thrifty lololol) but your collection is amazing! ive been thinking of getting figurines too but you know once you start getting ONE character, you couldn't get enough. it becomes an addiction.

YOU HAVE THE TRIO AS FIGURINES HOLY SHIT IM JEALOUS THAT IS SO GOOD AND ANDDD TSUYUUUU YOU HAVE TSYUUU SHES MY ABSOLUTE FAVE IN MHA like among the girls she's my top 1. you also have haikyuu merch omg pls im trying to stop myself from purchasing a kenma lamp (been trying to tell myself that i NEED it for sanity's sake) AND OMG YOU ALSO HAVE THE MANGAS NOOOOOOOOOO IVE BEEN THINKING OF GETTING MANGAS TOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOO god this is tempting me. i wanted to get haikyuu, jjk, chainsaw man, and tokyo rev mangas but i dont know yet which volume to get bc obvsly i cant get vol. 1 to the most recent bc my bookshelf is already full. i mean, i already have books in it so i can't fit everythinggg but once i get them ill send you a picture too!

and about your oc have you written a piece with her in it? i might have missed it since it took me a WHOLE MONTH to reply to this. if you have please send it to me! i want to read it!! her quirk being freaky blood/guts/gore kind of thing is interesting and i like the art you commissioned for her! THE RED HAIR AND PIERCING ROCKS HOLY CRAP.

jjk is...idk what to say man it's just very draining for me to read (i usually read mangas of animes i really liked) i had to stop reading it every now and then bc it's reallyyyy draining like it reminds me of attack on titan or something.

I dont know what mortal kombat is but i should check it out since ive been into games recently. oh, and about games. im thinking of streaming my games on yt or twitch! i have a few up already on yt and tiktok but im not consistent to it yet (since like i said early i had a lot going on in my personal life) but ill probably srsly start it by the end of the year. ill check other games too, so i think ill get a good look on mortal kombat!

NIRVANAA omg i remember liking them or a short time in high school. i remember having a nirvana shirt lol and i wore them during school festival. i like their music so much! it resonated to me esp high school years. unfortunately, i dont listen to them that much these days. i actually feel like an old aunty who doesn't know pop culture cos im not /that/ active when it comes to listening to artists. maybe i should start browsing albums and song. i'll start with the ones you like and ill tell you my feedback!

that idea is great! go ahead and write about psychology! you may inspire people or help them through your writing. it always feels nice to know that you're wrtiting for a cause. you should go ahead and try that! ill always support you of course <3

about my life, well, while i was out out of tumblr i started writing a journal but it's not the ordinary journal where you go "dear diary" or smth like that lol it's like a poetic journal where i write my feelings into metaphor so it's sort like a memoir but it's also my journal. that has been helping me a lot through tough times, so thanks to writing AGAIN and as always for giving me a room to breathe. also, i had an interesting interaction with a childhood enemy we had like a situationship going on like a month ago but LMAOOOO MEN ARE MEN IG i chose not to talk to him anymore lmao it's a long story for next time maybe. and something exciting probablyyyy... i had my first job 2 weeks ago! im lucky to land a nice job so currently im quite busy with trainings and all that but im enjoying it so far!

christmas is coming. do you have any plans? i always loved christmas even as a kid so im excited for holiday season. im looking forward to spending time with friends and family (relatives and all that) plus good food! how are you spending christmas? do you celebrate it?

it was nice to hear from you kale! and i really reallyyyy missed you. i enjoyed reading your life update and to know that you're well in every aspect. i hope to hear more from you!! and i sincerely wish you genuine happiness. keep thriving queeen!! YOU GOT THIS!!

I SAW U ON MY NOTIFS OMG ITS BEEN SO LONG HOW ARE YOU??

I don’t know why I just saw this omg!! I’ve been good :) I’ve been working a lot and busy with classes and just everything else life has to offer 😂

Willow is almost 2 years old now!! and she’s gotten so big and she’s been much more well behaved too!!

I’ve been on and off Tumblr and usually just go on to read some stuff on my favorite fandoms which surprisingly there isn’t a lot of the things im looking for!! I’ve really taking a liking to My Hero Academia but specifically 3 characters- Best Jeanist, Edgeshot, and Stain which there is like NO new content on them!! I haven’t finished the anime yet since im more of a manga reader than an anime watcher 😔

but more on Best Jeanist- I have become addicted to his character 😭 I’ve rebranded some of my usernames to him and I have a collection of merchandise of him on my shelf!! It started as a joke but it’s not a joke anymore!! same with Stain and Edgeshot, but most of my money has gone to Best Jeanist. I’m so sad there’s not much content on him, I say I’ll just write my own but that isn’t true- LOL but that’s ok, I can just use my free time to think of silly little scenarios of him in my head!!

Here’s a picture of my current anime collection, it’s slightly outdated but you get the idea:

Not pictured is a couple One Piece things since I’ve really started to like One Piece again and a couple plushies including a plushie of Shinsuke Kita from Haikyuu because he will always be my favorite (and Tsukishima too!! remember when my user was kaleshima!!)

I’ve always been taking a liking to making an OC and just my oc overall!! She’s mainly a MHA oc with a freaky blood/guts/gore manipulation power (it’s kind dark but I think it’s cool) and omg she’s taken up so much of my time and brain space, I feel like I’ve done more in depth creation of her than of myself 😂 I’ve also been buying a lot of art commissions of her!! I’ll attach a few images below, but I like talking about her so much that if I end up coming back here I might do some writing for her since I’d love someone or some place to talk about her :) all credits to the locket artists, I don’t think any of them have Tumblr though-: (the first image is her with Best Jeanist and the last is her with Stain!!)

I also have gotten into JJK but im still new to it, only watching the first couple episodes and reading the leaks 😭 which is a GREAT way to start omg

Also, don’t you love it when old hyper fixations come back??!??! yeah, that’s me right now with Mortal Kombat!! I’ve been a fan for almost 10 years now and the new game is so good!! and the characters omg… they made them so good 😍 thankfully Tumblr has a lot on them!!

but other than some things coming and going there hasn’t been a lot of new stuff in my life but compared to last year my mood and health has been so much better which is a win in my eyes, plus im starting to like a new guy which is good because I got my heart absolutely shattered little over a year ago and I swear I thought I was never going to recover, but recovery is possible and I give myself a lot of credit for the things I’ve done despite life seemingly staying the same.

I hope to move out of my parents house soon and continue my education further and my social life and all that but ik that won’t happen until a few years which seems like forever but seeing how 2023 has gone by so fast, I have a feeling it’s going to come quicker than it seems

I always say I want to come back to writing on this app and honestly I am in need of a new hobby because yeah listening to music is great but it doesn’t get you far!! which by the way, also a hyper fixation, bands and music and all that- I am really big into Nirvana right now and plan on dressing up as the lead singer Kurt Cobain for Halloween- which is funny I am dressing up because for the first time I have no plans for Halloween!! I’ll probably just bake some goodies and watch scary movies. How is Halloween celebrated where you are, if at all? American culture is so funny- and it’s funny because America doesn’t have much culture, it’s just one big melting pot which makes it unique

Speaking of music, my favorite artists are probably Nirvana (which is a band) and so is Radiohead, Weezer, The Smiths, Ghost, and Korn (which are rock/metal bands, I really recommend them if you’re into that!!) but I also really like Melanie Martinez, Lana Del Rey, Mitski, Alex G, and a couple other solo artists (fun fact, I went to many concerts over the summer including Melanie and Weezer- they were so good!!) what kind of music do you listen to? any you recommend?!

Half way typing this too, I thought of the idea of coming back to Tumblr to write not just drabbles on my current hyper fixations but maybe some life advice and psychology stuff, I have a way with words and advice and all that even though I am considered “to young to know all this” but I see it as both good and bad having an old soul at a young age- and not to say I am a little child either, but I haven’t even been on this earth for 20 years yet, soon enough though

That all being said, I feel like a huge chapter of my life is coming to a wrap up soon and I am excited to start the new one!! I’ve been on this app forever even though I technically shouldn’t have had Tumblr as a pre-teen but hey, we all start somewhere!!

How have you been? Anything new and exciting? Or maybe something you’ve learned? I’ve been trying to learn new hobbies and I’ve started to really dig into what I want to do as a career since I have to really decided soon (I am doing community college right now which is a free 2-3 year schooling opportunity to earn credits before you go off and study a minor or major- not sure if you have that where you live and if you do it’s still probably different)

Anyways I want to study business and business management since I have taken a liking to running/leading an organization/group and coming up with marketing ideas for various groups I spend my time in- including theatre!! I have a local theatre group I work in backstage and I am the stage manager this year which is great since I want to going into management

It’s “late” where I am- actually it’s just 9:30 but I go to bed early especially when I have things to do the next day 😔 I’ll probably just use the excuse I am tired to run to Starbucks and spend my money like I always do. I really have become addicted to Starbucks and it’s only going to worsen as “Capitalism Christmas” comes next

Holidays are so silly to me too, I don’t really enjoy them because they’ve always seemed to cheesy and not like they “advertise” but I hope to make the best of it this year, even if it just ends up being me working that day and then coming home to my dog. What Holidays do you enjoy? Any certain traditions or events you’re looking forward to?

I’ve written down most of my thoughts and this has been the most I’ve written in ages!! Maybe I should answer more asks from now on to get myself into the writing kick!! 😂

I hope you’ve been well and I hope we can talk more soon!! I totally just remembered we have each other on discord too!! I changed my user to @bestkaleist (Best Jeanist reference) so if you’re confused as to who that is, it’s me!!

wishing you all the well!! 🥬

[smhalltheurlsaretaken]

Do you have any criticisms of the Jedi order or the Jedi? Like I love them and all but the whole padawans during war was kind of iffy even if sw universe doesn’t really have the same concepts of adulthood. Idk. Even though Padme is supposed to be 14 in tpm, I guess it doesn’t hit as hard because she doesn’t look 14 umm

Ah, that’s a very interesting question with an interesting answer. Yes and no. 

Yes, I do have criticisms of the Order in the sense that I recognize that they’re not perfect - thankfully! They’re not perfect, they’re not meant to be perfect, they never pretend to be perfect, and I don’t expect them to try to be perfect. And it’s a good thing too, because perfection would make the Jedi into these lofty, shiny beings, elven-like, ‘untouched by the sorrows and sins of men,’ yadda yadda yadda. And while that’s often what the fandom criticizes them for, that’s decidedly not how they’re characterized. They’re all in all very down to earth.

So yeah: sending teenagers into war sucked (even though yes - multiple arguments can be made in universe (the skills and maturity of the Padawans, for example) and out of universe (the need to have relatable characters for the young audience) to justify it. Still, it sucked).

Some of the choices they made during the war were probably wrong. As Yoda said: the right path, no. The only path, yes. 

Some of the Jedi were stubborn bastards, like Qui-Gon. Some were kinda intimidating and a bit cold. Some weren’t really people persons, like Mace. Some took a great deal of pride into their work, maybe too much, like Jocasta. Some lost their way, like Dooku, Krell, Barriss or the Inquisitors, and they did horrible things. Some were slightly insane and probably a bit morally questionable, like Quinlan on any given day. 

The Jedi weren’t monolithic, so of course I’ll criticize them individually. Now onto the “no” part of the answer...

I’ll explore the Jedi’s flaws when I write, but I’ll always, always, always talk about how good they were a lot, lot, LOT more. And the reason why is quite simple: I feel like Jedi criticism is nitpicky and pointless, because talking about any flaws of theirs is not only beating a dead horse, but beating a horse that’s so dead it’s been decomposing for fifteen years. 

Everything has been said on the subject of the Jedi’s faults - most of which I don’t agree with, but some that I’ll readily recognize (because again, they’re not meant to be perfect). But what is the point of talking about what the Jedi did wrong after a while? Even supposing they were half as flawed as the fandom makes them out to be (which they aren’t) so what? They all died. Their children died. Their history, art and philosophy were completely erased from the galaxy. Most of their legacy was forgotten. 

Whatever punishment they might have deserved for not paying enough attention - or too much - to a prophecy, for failing to untangle Sidious’ web, for being blind to a lie or another when they were too busy dying on the front lines to see clearly, for failing to save all the clones, for failing to protect all the Padawans... Whatever punishment this all deserved, they received a hundred times over. 

And beyond that, I firmly believe that the compassion, bravery, love they displayed consistently throughout the war and before far outweighs  any systemic of individual fault. I won’t go over why their philosophy on attachment, balance, self-control and the like were very much meant to be seen as good things in universe - just look through the billion metas on the subject on my blog or the blogs I follow, and the quotes by Lucas validating Jedi teachings that go with those metas - but even overlooking the fact that they were right narratively speaking, they were still amazing. 

They loved their men, they loved their Padawans, and they were so kind, as we saw time and time again. They were badass space wizards who devoted themselves to complete altruism instead of seeking personal gain through their magic powers. Who does that? They could harness the very essence and fabric of the actual universe and they spent their days running around trying to fix other people’s problems and getting blamed for not fixing them all. They were affectionate with each other (and yes, that’s easily demonstrable with like a few hundred captures of casual physical contact and caring words) and they even extended their compassion to their enemies - scumbags like Maul and fricking Hondo. I just love them so much.

So, yes and no. Yes, as in it’d be pretty boring  and wrong to see the Jedi as perfect. No, as in the good they did and strived to do makes any serious criticism that I have almost irrelevant, and it’s the good that I focus on. 

[spencersawkward]

I love your ff first of all, I'm obsessed and second of all I would ask you a suggestion, idk if maybe is that too much and you're totally free to not do that but you ever thought to do something in the line of the knive kink? I think it will be awesome

i'm so sorry this took so long! big thanks to my guardian angel @voidsfilm for giving me inspiration bc i literally struggled with this one more than i should have. never written a knife kink but i’m glad i tried lol.

summary: reader finds an antique knife that Matthew's kept in a drawer.

content warnings: unprotected penetrative sex, fingering, oral (male receiving), knife play (no blood drawn), Soft!Dom MGG, degradation and praise.

word count: 3.6k

masterlist

if there is one thing I absolutely despise, it's working out. getting sweaty, running until my legs hurt and my lungs are burning for air... not really my thing.

but when Matthew brought up the idea a couple months into our relationship, I couldn't say no to him: he had a goofy smile on his face and the kind of look in his eyes that made me relent and ask what kind of stuff he wanted to do.

I think that I've found the one thing that Matthew can't make fun.

"I'm gonna pass out." I bend over and set my hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath. Matthew slows to a stop a few feet ahead, turning around and making a strained expression.

"oh, come on." but his voice is pretty breathless, too. he gently guides me off the path so that we don't get in the way of the other people out enjoying the day. a couple walks by us with their dog, strolling calmly, and I feel a rush of envy. if our workout routine had consisted of a few pleasant ambles around the city, I would have been totally willing.

"Matthew, I wanna go home." I whine impatiently. the only nice thing about this is that he's got one of those stupid sweatbands on his head to keep his hair out of his face, and it makes him look like a 1980's housewife.

"we can go home in fifteen minutes." he smiles, puts his hands on his hips, stretching in an exaggerated way.

"do you promise?" I brush a piece of hair out of my face.

"promise," he's lucky he looks so cute in his workout outfit. "we can even get one of those fancy juices for you on the way back."

"seriously?" I light up. this might actually be worth it; they have this amazing mango and lime combination that I can't ever manage to recreate with our own blender.

"if you beat me to the rock, then sure." he references the enormous boulder in Central Park that we both gawked at on our first date-- ever since then, it's been the end point for our runs. my lips curl into a grin.

"you're on." I take off, making sure to push him out of the way in order to gain a head start. he lets out something of a protestation but is quick to follow. I can feel his feet pounding behind me, trying to catch up.

I may not be good at running long distances, but I'm sure as hell faster than he is.

...

it's quiet when I step out of the bedroom, drying my hair with the towel and wandering into the living room. Matthew is sitting at the table with his sketchbook, drawing god knows what while he waits for me to finish up.

"what are you up to?" I ask softly as I plop down across from him. my head is slightly tilted while the towel rubs my scalp.

"I'm not really sure." he shrugs, frowning and holding up the notebook from a distance as if that'll help him figure out what to do.

"can I see when you're done?"

"of course," he sets it on the table again, then runs a fingertip across his chin. "actually, can you do me a favor?"

"sure."

"I have a set of colored pencils in the desk over there," he points to an old piece of furniture under the window. "would you mind getting them for me?"

"yep," I reply, getting up and leaving the towel on the table. "least I can do after kicking your ass."

on the walk past him, Matthew grabs my waist and pulls me into him, attacks me with tickles. I squeal and hit his shoulder.

"stop!" I laugh.

"you barely beat me!" he gives a dazzling smile and finally lets me go. I lightly smack him upside the head and head over to the desk, rifling through the drawers for the colored pencils he wanted.

as I push around various art supplies, glue sticks and random paintbrushes that look to be on the brink of falling apart, my fingers pass something cool and metallic. I grab the thing and pull it out.

it's a knife; like, a fancy one with an intricately decorated handle and what seems to be a pretty dulled edge. before he can notice what I've found, I start to move the thing between my hands curiously. there's a nice weight to it, but it's definitely old.

"hey, Matthew?" I ask warily.

"yeah?" so unassuming and sweet.

"why do you have a knife?"

there's a scratching as he gets up from the table to walk over to me. I lean against the desk. Matthew doesn't seem too bothered by what I'm saying at all, only gently taking the weapon out of my hands and examining it himself.

"oh, yeah!" he lets out something like a laugh. I raise an eyebrow and wait for him to continue. "do you remember when we went antiquing in Cape Cod, like, a month ago?"

"yeah." I nod at the memory. he'd been lucky enough to get some vacation days and we'd spent them sitting by the water with glasses of wine and nothing but time to talk. it really was a great trip, now that I think about it.

"I found it there." he still hasn't looked up and I realize that there's something he's not telling me. I don't know what I'm missing, but I start to get nervous.

"...why?"

"I was gonna ask then, but I guess I just forgot." his tongue darts out across his bottom lip as he lifts his face to meet my gaze. my heart thuds when he opens his mouth again. "I kinda wanted to try something."

"like?"

"I've been thinking about maybe using knives... in a sexual way."

"what?" I frown, confused by his wording. Matthew seems to realize that he's phrased it awkwardly and shifts his stance. he keeps glancing between the object and my face like he's worried about scaring me away.

"I don't mean I'm gonna stab you or anything," he laughs. "I just mean I think it sounds fun."

my hand finds his, brushing my palm over the steel to touch it myself again. there's a curiosity that burns through me now, something I'm a little unsure about but not enough so to deny the possibility of trying it.

"what do you wanna do with it?" I peek up at him. he bites his lip. we're speaking in gentle tones and I notice that our bodies have gotten closer within the last few moments. a warmth, a tension.

"like, pressing the blade flat against your skin while I fuck you." he takes the thing and demonstrates. the cool silver rests on my neck, too dull to really threaten a serious cut if he were to move too quickly. a shiver runs down my spine at the sensation of the metal.

I gulp, feel the curve of my throat push against it when I swallow. it's nice.

"oh." is all I say. Matthew is watching me intently, but he doesn't make any motion away from it. like he's entranced by the sight of me with a knife to my throat.

"are you interested?" he asks.

I mull it over. on the one hand, weapon play is something I've never considered in my sex life before. Matthew and I aren't vanilla, but this hasn't crossed my mind. that said, now that I can really feel it, there is a desire forming in my stomach. it would be a strange, new sensation.

"yes." the confirmation makes him smile a little. he lowers the thing and instead wraps me in his arms, kisses me passionately until our tongues are dancing over each other. I love how he holds me, our torsos against each other while my body leans slightly back to accept the weight of his touch.

he goes to my head like alcohol. and it's even more surreal when I feel the blade move under the hem of my shirt to rest against my back. I smile into his mouth. he doesn't do anything with it, just leaves it to remind me.

he starts to rut his hips against my lower stomach, getting aroused at the proximity of our bodies and the heated nature of our kiss. there's an urgency to all of it, like he's holding back. I don't want him to hold back; I want him to give me everything he has, everything beneath the surface.

my fingers twine in his hair and tug on the ends, causing him to groan into our embrace. there's no way we're going to make it all the way to the bedroom with the way he's grabbing at my body, so I stumble backwards towards the couch until the backs of my thighs hit the arm of it.

"you're horny." I giggle slightly when he pushes the hem of my shirt up my body, his nails dragging over my ribcage and trailing the object along with it. I feel the excitement growing.

"I'm just glad you're willing to try this." he murmurs the words, holds our foreheads together before his lips eagerly seek mine out, again. somehow, even with a weapon leveled against me, I can sense the love in every single action. I wouldn't have said yes if I didn't trust him to treat me with the utmost care.

I work at the buttons of his shirt, pushing it over his lovely shoulders and arms as he unclasps my bra. we're fervent, greedy in our movements, trying to kiss despite the attention needed to remove our clothes. mostly we just tangle up in each other until there's nothing left but my shorts for him to shove down my legs. he keeps his pants on.

"c'mon, beautiful." he mutters, pushing my legs open so that I'm sitting on the arm of the couch. he tilts my head and leans closer to suck on my bottom lip, and then starts to massage my tits. I can feel the handle of the weapon against my nipple.

when he reaches to slide his finger between my folds, I hiss out a breath at the cold sensation of his skin.

"is this because of me or the knife, baby?" he asks, corners of his mouth twitching up while I moan into his mouth. he starts to rub my clit with the collected wetness, teasing me too much. I want to fall back, but I can't. I won't let myself.

"both." I find myself turned on by the way the blade sits against my ribs again. the edge is just sharp enough to elicit a reaction from my body.

"feel that?" he angles the thing the slightest bit. I exhale and nod.

that isn't the response he's looking for, however, because he moves it so that it's under my chin. goosebumps on my skin while I pant uselessly against the weapon. I can feel it press harder with every breath out of my lungs, and I love it. I love the risk it brings out of me.

while Matthew dips his index inside my pussy, I writhe against it and tilt my head even more so he has better access.

"look at you," he lets out a dark chuckle, thrusts into me to the last digit. "you want more of this, don't you?"

"yes, sir." I breathe. my neck is actively moving against the metal. I glance down at his body and see his erection straining against his pants, craving release but finding none as he plunges his fingers in and out of me. I can hardly breathe from sheer focus on the sensations he's giving me right now.

"what are you looking at, sweetheart?" he quickens the pace of his movements and uses the object to make me focus on his face.

"you're hard." the words nearly die on my lips. he stares darkly at me, lifting his brows just enough to make me question whether I should have spoken at all. I bite my lip in anticipation.

"and what are you gonna do about it?" his voice is raspy as he stands back, removes his fingers from my pussy, and lets me drop to my knees. I'm weak both from the stimulation and from the loss of it, but I make quick work of undoing his belt, pulling the pants down his legs until I'm face-to-face with his cock. it sits against his stomach, throbbing impatiently while he watches. he uses the metallic point under my jaw to angle my face up to his.

"are you gonna suck me off, baby?" he smirks. I nod rigorously with wide eyes and an open mouth, dragging my tongue along the underside. Matthew's nose scrunches up for a moment at the shock of contact when I tease the head. all his concentration is on watching me wrap my hand around the shaft and pumping him gently. "spit on it."

I obey and spit right onto the tip before rubbing my thumb over the top to gather the precum. as I start to swirl my tongue and move my lips onto him, he throws his head back, lets out a wanton noise. it urges me on. I take every moment with a deliberate attention to the veins and sensitive spot he has.

"that's it, that's it." he rasps while knotting his hand in my hair. the other keeps the knife pressed to my throat. he lets me move on my own for a bit, gauging my desires from the way my eyes attempt to memorize the sight of his face above me, that jaw dropped in licentious craving. I can tell that he wants to fuck my face, but I go slow just to draw it out a little. it makes the soreness of my jaw worth it when he gets all impatient and flustered.

I hollow my cheeks and bob on his dick, bat my lashes, pull myself off him for a second just to kiss the tip.

"can I use your mouth?" he asks through a restrained groan. I open it and nod, sighing at the feeling of his fingers twining through my hair again before he pushes back into the opening. now that he's got full control, he starts to develop his own movements, sometimes meeting his thrusts by pressing my face against him.

he gets deep in it, never losing his grip on the knife, until my nose is pressed to his stomach. my throat closes instinctively around him even more tightly, and he lets out a guttural moan.

"such a cute mouth when I'm using it." he thrusts until I gag and then he's smiling. "get up."

he removes himself so fast, my eyes water at the sudden lack of blockage in my throat. I gulp air while he hooks his hands under my arms and hoists me up. I'm about to turn around so I can lift my leg and give him better access, but he sits me on the arm of the couch and parts my thighs.

"I wanna see your pretty face." he leans down and pecks my cheek. I smile at the surprising tenderness-- although it doesn't last long. steel sits against the space between my neck and collarbone. it's only a moment before he positions himself between my legs and slides his cock into me.

my back arches and I look him in the eyes, gasping.

"fuck, baby." he drags out the first word as he inches inside. I mewl helplessly at the way he stretches me out, my pussy clenching every few seconds. he keeps one hand on my lower back to support me and bring me closer to his pelvis, and then we're staring into each other's eyes as he finally settles in it.

his hips start to thrust into me, hopeful for any kind of contact while I accustom myself to the shape of him. it happens every time, despite the amount of times we've done this. and I'm bad at patience, but he's worse. his body stutters against mine.

"is it good enough, sir?" I ask quietly. he tightens his grip on my back and on the blade, the edge threatening my skin the perfect amount. I suck in a breath at the way it stings a little.

"you're doing perfectly." he recognizes what I want to hear as he finds my sweet spot and begins to hit it repeatedly, smoothly works my body. I swear there are planets in my eyes when I stare at the expressions on his face, both of us so wrapped up in each other that every other thought becomes obsolete.

he moves the knife to under my chin to rest on my throat.

"feel that?"

I nod so the edge bites more. he smirks.

"just to show you who you belong to."

my hips push up to meet his thrusts, needing more stimulation, more friction. what I want is for him to be relentless, to slam into my body with the kind of hunger I know he has. there are sounds, movements, that he's made before that make me want him to use them. but he's withholding, probably hesitant about the dangerous object on my pulse point.

"I belong to you, sir." I egg him on. he likes the sound of that, grunting and starting to pound into me.

"yeah? you're my dirty little whore." he speaks through gritted teeth. I shiver.

"mhmm."

"I use you how I want, when I want." his fingertips dig into my skin and he yanks me closer so that he can hit a new angle. I let out a surprised noise when he brushes my g-spot. it's otherworldly and I expose more of my neck to him.

"my little slut likes pain, huh?" he nudges the weapon harder into my skin. it doesn't draw blood, but I can sense the mark it'll leave. I love it.

"yes, sir." we're both getting needy, but we can't hold each other the way that we want to in our given positions. my palms are occupied on the arm of the couch to hold myself up and one of his hands is too busy holding the object for us to fuck as deeply as we need.

"are you gonna take it like a good girl when I cum in it?" he mutters. he runs his tongue over my jawline and the weapon nicks my skin. I moan at the mingling of sensations that's building all across my body.

"yes, sir." I plead. it's nearly unbearable, how much I want him. we're chasing our orgasms and I know what will finish me off. he knows, too.

Matthew drops the knife. it clatters to the ground, but there's no time for me to register it with the way he grabs my hips and lifts me into the air, my legs wrapping around his waist while he keeps fucking into me. he maneuvers us with shocking ease, laying me on the couch and positioning himself at the right moment so that I can drag my nails over his back and keep my thighs locked around him.

"mmm... baby, I'm gonna cum." he drives into me recklessly, both of us finally able to cling to each other. the angle is just enough to stimulate my clit and I nod, using the leverage of my legs to pull myself to him and roll my hips for friction.

Matthew slams my body into the couch, grunting in my ear as he finds his climax inside me. it's so deep, I have to work to keep the yell inside, but he's not done. he rides it out and plows into me while I reach the edge.

"tell me how it feels." he orders in my ear. I sigh.

"so-- so good, sir." my voice is thin. "I'm close."

"show me." he leaves bruises on my hips with his hands. I feel the knot finally snap, every muscle in my stomach spasming chaotically. I finish with a loud moan, begging him to drag it out further. my vision nearly goes black at the tide that threatens to overtake my body.

"Matthew--" I gasp. he moans quietly at the way I say his name, still rocking his body into mine while I come down from the shocks of orgasm. it's nearly overwhelming, the pleasure running through my body.

slowly, we come to a stillness and he drops his head into my shoulder, panting. he doesn't let go at first, but then he withdraws from my pussy and lets me take a rest. I lay there on the couch while he kneels between my legs, pressing gentle kisses to my neck.

"I love you." he repeats it over and over.

"I love you, too," I hope he can feel the meaning, despite the sheer exhaustion in my tone. he runs his fingertips across the red marks where the thing went a little too deeply, but I'm not worried about it. "we should try that again, sometime."

"you liked it?" he smiles brightly. I love the lines by his eyes.

"definitely."

he lets out a cheerful noise and buries his face back into my throat because he knows how much it tickles. I screech and giggle, my legs kicking wildly around me. more contented than ever before.