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broken-glowsticks · 1 year ago

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What Once was Mine

Chapter 10 - Make it fit

Genre: Childhood friends, Eventual Friends to Lovers, Slow Burn, Love corner/love triangle, love rivals, Series. Not all chapters will be proofread!!

Warnings: 18+, mdni, mentions of sex and alcohol consumption, additional warnings will be added to individual chapters as needed.

Additional warnings: there's some implied, almost cheating. Idk how else to put it, but it's there, and I just thought I'd let people know.

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Hyunjin dragged his brush against the canvas, smearing paint together as music blasted from his speakers. Along the walls hung numerous canvases already covered in his artwork, drenched in all his emotions.

The past few weeks, whenever he wasn't at work or being dragged from his apartment by Minho, Seungmin, and Jeongin to spend time with them, he was holde up in his spare room that he had been slowly converting into a make-shift art studio - as it had the largest window and the most ventilation. It was cathartic, spilling every thought and feeling into whatever medium he had on hand, which turned out to be quite a bit. He and Minho had bought an art class's worth of supplies when they went out, but it was well worth it.

Painting truly became a respite. He had turned dancing into his career, sucking almost every bit of relief the activity brought him, leaving only his art as a way to process the feelings that demanded to be felt.

Yes, dancing didn't mean what it used to, but at least it was still a good way to work off his sexual frustration, an exceedingly agitating sensation he's been feeling quite a lot lately. No matter what he did, no matter who he did, it was never enough, it never felt right. What the serious hell was wrong with him? He's been like this ever since you started dating “The Boyfriend”, and Hyunjin really couldn't wrap his mind around what the connection was between his upset feelings over that and his out of whack libido, if he didn't know any better it was almost like having sex with you was the only thing that could get him off.

Hyunjins brush paused on the canvas as a realization hit him. That's exactly what this was. After all, he only slept with those other girls because he could never fully have you, and as far as he knew you never wanted him as something more, so he just kept up his fuckboy habits from highschool as a way to work off all that extra need. In hindsight, that was not the best idea, downright dumb even. Other girls were only ever good for a night. None of them were you and thus couldn't last, which caused him to leave a trail of broken hearts in his wake. But he couldn't seem to stop. For him, it was a desperately needed distraction and enough to hold him over until the next time you were in his arms. Yet, now that you've essentially broken up with him, nothing was enough. What was the point in working off all that pent-up carnal desire with strangers if, in the end, you would never end up in his arms again?

Hyunjin let out a rough sigh, this really was like a break up - not that he actually knew what that felt like. In all his life, he was always the heartbreaker, never the heartbroken and to make matters worse he did this with his own two hands. Maybe he should have listened to Minho and taken the chance to confess his feelings for you, to just get them off his chest and let whatever happens, happen. Or maybe he should have been selfish and not let Changbin have you to begin with, effectively breaking your heart but leaving room for him to pick up the pieces, maybe then you'd see him as someone to love. Not as a friend but as a lover to spend the rest of your life with as easily as you spent the start of it. But he was too much of a coward, too scared to risk rejection, to risk what little intimacy was left between the two of you, too cowardly to face the reason why he never felt like you loved him to begin with.

Scoffing at himself, Hyunjin slashed his brush, splattering acrylic in an action that mirrored the agony swirling in his heart, before flinging his paintbrush across the room in an attempt to push down the disgusting feelings of filth and inadequacy that rose in his throat like bile. He loved you. He's loved you since you were children but never knew what to call the emotions that tethered him to you. He knew you were comfort and dependability, that your smile was amazing, that your laugh was a shining light in darkness, that your scent belonged to linger in his life, in his bed, on his clothes, and in his hair, but he never knew that was love and as he got older he got lost in trying to find out exactly what love was. He got so lost, in fact, that when he came to his senses, you were crying next to him in your bed, asking what you did to make yourself so unwanted. How did he lose so much time? How could he even do that to you? His most precious person.

It was that night when he found out what love was and - most important - that he was in love with you. But that was also the night he thought you could never be in love with him.

How could you? He left you, completely abandoned you, and for what? To be with other girls, sometimes even older women? Girls and women that only used him - either for sex or status, sometimes both? He did dirty things, drank too much, partied too hard, got into a few scrapes, made some enemies, nothing too severe but enough that he knew he wasn't the same innocent kid he was before your parting. At the end of it all, despite realizing he was in love with you, he came to the heart rendering realization that he doesn't know how to love - only how to fuck. How could you love someone who didn't know how to love you back? It would never be enough. And so, Hyunjin decided to give you the only thing he knew, hoping, praying that it would be enough for you to stay by his side.

It worked for a while, it gave him enough time to heal and work through his issues - some of which you were integral in helping him overcome - but by the time you two had settled into becoming adults, Hyunjin had convinced himself that there was truly no chance for the two of you. After all, if the two of you were meant to be, it would have happened by now, right? Or was that just him being cowardly again, too afraid of change? If you loved him, then there would have been signs, but he didn’t see any. You would come, you would accept his affection and kisses, but it was always him that wanted you to stay. That had to mean something, right?

Hyunjins' hands rubbed roughly over his face before sliding upward into his hair, tugging harshly at the roots and staining the locks with splotches of acrylic. He was filled with frustration and loneliness. It’s been weeks since you called him, complaining about The Boyfriend leaving you alone in his apartment to work out. It’s been even longer since he’s even seen you in person. How long, he’s not entirely sure. It’s been agony being without you, but what could he do? If he saw you, Hyunjin wasn’t entirely sure he’d be able to stop himself from pulling you close and kissing you, partially out of habit, but mainly because he missed you.

The sound of a phone call interrupting his music snapped Hyujin from his mental torpor. He hoped to god it wasn’t one of his friends or work. He was in the mood to wallow. However, the contact made his breath stop as he fumbled for his phone, attempting to answer as quickly as possible, to hell with smearing paint on his phone.

“Y/N?” Hyunjin breathed out, causing you to hesitate, surprised by his use of your name.

“Yeah, uh, hi Hyunnie- I- I mean, Hyunjin,” you facepalmed. When were you going to break your habit of using pet names with him? “How… How are you? It’s been a while.”

“Yeah… it has…” Hyunjin answered, still bewildered. A pregnant pause passed before you finally brought yourself to speak, feeling the need to break the silence.

“I miss you, Jinnie.”

“I miss you too, Beautiful.”

“Can I see you?”

“Can you?” Hyunjin asked gently. If he were honest, the reason he hadn't gone to see you is mainly because he didn't feel as if he deserved to. Would it really be alright? Spending time with you, being with you, alone, when he was the one who stepped away in the first place? Him, the guy you were sleeping with, and who The Boyfriend knows is in love with you?

“Of course I can! Just because I'm dating someone doesn't mean I can't see you. He's my boyfriend, not my dad.”

“At least I would hope he's not. That would be weird,” Hyunjin replied rather flatly, but his face broke into a smile when you laughed.

“I'll be over soon,” you said once the giggles subsided.

“I'll be waiting, Beautiful.”

○●☆♡☆●○

Hyunjin felt nervous as he looked at himself in the bathroom mirror. Was he too overdressed? You two were just going to hang out at his place, right? His eyes dragged over his slicked back hair - still wet from his shower, the pricings in his ears, his pinstriped button up shirt, the necklace dangling from his neck, it looked like he was ready for a date. The only thing that was casual on him was his jeans, and even then, if Minho saw him now, he'd say Hyunjin was trying too hard. Maybe he should change?

It was too late. The sound of his doorbell told him you were here. Taking a deep breath, Hyunjin made his way to the door. Time to face you.

When he opened the door, Hyunjin was stunned into a temporary silence. Had you dressed up, too? Or was it just his imagination? Little did Hyunjin know, you had also put effort into looking as casually pretty as you could in your tights, black denim shorts, ankle boots, and button up, long sleeved crop top. You also had the exact same thoughts as he was in the moment.

“Hey, Beautiful. You look gorgeous tonight,” Hyunjin said, pulling you into a short, chaste hug. “Oh, was that okay to say?”

“I think it was?” You giggled, returning the hug, “ thank you, by the way, you look really good too.”

“I always look good,” Hyunjin grinned as he ushered you inside, relishing in the familiarity of your responding eye roll. It was a welcome distraction from the fact that the last time you were in his apartment he was fucking you into ever surface of his apartment. A memory that had been screaming at you too ever since you crossed the threshold into the entryway. This was going to be an interesting evening. Not once since the two of you reconnected had either of you felt so awkwardly around each other.

“Sooooo, did you have anything you wanted to do?” Hyunjin asked tentatively, looking anywhere but at you.

“Well… we both seem to be dressed to go out, wanna… go get dinner?” You suggested as timidly. Hyunjin miles the idea over for a bit before smiling down at you.

“Sure, I could go for food. Let me get my keys, I know a spot.”

○●☆♡☆●○

“You know, when you said you ‘knew a spot’, I didn't think you were talking about a bar.”

“Ah, ah, ah,” Hyunjin tutted, his finger wagging, “bar and grill,” he corrected.

“Whatever,” you said with a roll of your eyes, taking a sip of the drink in front of you. You were in desperate need of alcohol, once again feeling awkward and unsure of how to act. How did you act with Hyunjin before you and Changbin began dating? You weren't sure, and you felt so stupid for it.

An extensive silence passed between the two of you, only being broken by the bartender coming to take your orders. The bar and grill was small, only allowing the impressively large bar and a few tables to fit within the four walls of the establishment, most of their business seemed to have been from take out orders by the way people shuffled in and out. Thank God the weather was starting to warm up.

It was only when the two of you received your food and had begun eating that Hyunjin was unable to bear the silence and the pitying looks from the people around him.

“Okay, enough of the awkward first date energy. This isn't us.”

You sighed, taking another dig at your food before nodding, unable to fight how right he was.

“I just…” you began, “I don't know what to do, basically our whole lives we've never had any boundaries and now that I'm suddenly trying to figure out where to place them, it feels wrong because it's you.” You paused to chew on your lip a bit before taking a swig of your drink, Hyunjin simply sat patiently beside you, listening attentively. “But the thing is, things have changed and as wrong as it feels it's the right thing to do. My main problem is that I'm over analyzing everything, torn between trying to still be your best friend and be Changbins' girlfriend.”

Hyunjin released a small huff, swallowing down his selfish thoughts of how you wouldn't be having these kinds of issues if you were his. Now wasn't the time. Even though he took a step back, you were hurting, and, quite frankly, Hyunjin could sympathize as he was also facing the same conundrum.

“My poor Y/N,” Hyunjin tried his best to sound nonchalant as he popped a fry into his mouth. “I'm not going to sugar coat this, that's rough,” you glared up at him as he held his hand over his plate and ran his thumb over the pads of his ringed fingers, dusting off the crumbs from his fry.

“Thank you, Hyunjin. That is soooo helpful.”

“I'm not trying to be ‘helpful’, I'm agreeing with you,” he corrected with a bit more seriousness than before, adjusting in his seat to face you. “Let's be real here Y/N, this is your first boyfriend since we started our relationship. I'll admit, neither of us knows how to do this without worrying over whether we're crossing any boundaries here, but you know what I just realized, baby? We shouldn't be so worried about this.”

You threw him a quizzical look, egging him to continue. Hyunjin gave you an exasperated sigh, rolling his eyes and leaning back in his chair to continue eating at his food.

“If you're so concerned about boundaries than go talk to The Boyfriend about it, not your friends who you used to fuck. Secondly, other than the fact that we've stopped fucking, nothing else has changed about us, so what's there to overthink? We just have to break a few habits is all.” Hyunjin earnestly tried to sound collected, informative even - judging by the enlightened glow softening your features, he was successful - but truly Hyunjin spoke with more confidence than he had. “Break a few habits”? How the hell was he supposed to casually stop pulling you close to hold you gently or kiss your lips when, even now, he was longing to lay his hand over yours? To pour out every ounce of love he has for you until it fills you whole?

“Oh my god, Hyunnie, you're a genius,” you suddenly mumbled out, making him break out into a smile.

“You should tell me that now often,” was his curt reply as he continued eating his food, with you following suit.

After that conversation came easy. You two had tons to talk about, eager to catch up on the time you've spent apart: New hobbies, change in work conditions, how the change in weather has affected your respective wardrobes and how you were needing to buy new sandals for the upcoming warm weather, Hyunjin was even in such a good mood that he was willing to ask questions about your relationship with Changbin - much to your surprise.

“What about you, Jinnie? Any repeat offenders since I've been gone?”

“Nah, I've actually stopped the casual hookups.” You choked on your drink in surprise, coughing into a napkin as Hyunjin patted your back.

“Is the Hwang Hyunjin seriously off the market? What made you stop the hookups?” Hyunjin shrugged, giving you a sheepish smile.

“My painting has just been taking up more of my time, making me happier. If I'm not at work or the guys, I'm at home with my art.” You blinked at him, truly looking at him under the dim bar lights and drinking in his expression. You couldn't remember the last time he looked so content outside of his mornings alone with you.

“Hyunjin, will you show me?” The words were out of your mouth before you could process the fact you had even said them. Hyunjins gaze turned to you and softened, his smile growing but retaining its contentment.

“Of course, Beautiful.”

○●☆♡☆●○

You sat perched on the edge of Hyunjins couch, watching him with amusement as he dashed in and out of a spare room, collecting his favorite pieces. Some were on canvases, painted in oils or acrylics, others were on sheets, scribbles of pencils, charcoal, ink, and pastels flooding the pages. You were impressed. He hadn't limited himself to a single medium, as if testing which one he would find himself only to see there was a piece of him in all of them.

“What, no sculptures?” You teased as he set some loose leaves of paper beside you on the couch. Hyunjins head snapped up, and his sheepish smile returned, all white teeth and crescent moon eyes.

“I don't think I have space for sculpting,” he said with a chuckle, standing upright to scan the pieces he's picked out. “Okay, yeah, I think these are all of my favorites. What do you think?”

“I think you look like a pregnant mom when you put your hands on your waist like that.” Hyunjins baffled face looked down to his pose, suddenly seeing what you meant before playfully batting at your arm.

“Yah! I meant the art!”

After your giggles died down, you made Hyunjin go get you a drink so you could truly appreciate the copious amount of art laid out before you without anxious eyes drilling into you. You were amazed at the story the pieces told, a clear depiction of Hyunjins' rapid growth. Hyunjin had laid everything out in the order he made them, grouping them off by medium. In every group was seemingly his first ever attempt at each category and you were so impressed by how the third or fourth piece he had seemed to have gotten a firm grasp on what he was doing - but he especially excelled at mixing oils, charcoal, and pastels. Pieces of implied figures defined by rough, purposefully unstructured lines and filled in with smears of colors became a staple as you continued to flip through pieces. One of your favorite pieces was what appeared to be a page of scribbles, but as you focused your gaze, the features of a familiar face came into view. You were unable to put a finger on who the person in question was, but you were able to make out that it was a woman.

“Here we go, one hot chocolate with marshmallow and whipped cream.” You head jerked up as Hyunjin returned with two mugs, and you mumbled a thank you as you took it, making room so Hyunjin could sit beside you.

“So, thoughts?” He asked as he took a drink from his mug, smiling at how you already had whipped cream clinging to your lips.

“Mmh, I love these. You got so good, so fast.”

“I told you my art's been taking up more of my time. I've been kind of addicted to the feeling of making something.”

“It suits you,” you smiled, resting your mug of chocolate on your leg and reaching for your favorites. “I love these. You can really see that at this point you've developed a style, and it's really cool.”

Hyunjin looked at the pieces you've collected, chuckling at himself. You probably didn't notice, but, in a way, each of these were about you. One was an abstract portrait of your face, based on a memory from when the two of you were kids. The second was what it felt like whenever he made love to you, not whenever he would fuck you silly, but when he would hold you gently, kiss you passionately, and would tell you he loved you in every other way but in words. The third was a representation of the pain he felt, realizing that despite everything, you would never truly be his.

“Would you like them, Beautiful?”

“Oh, Hyunnie, really?” You asked with glee, your bright smile filling him with joy.

“Of course, I wouldn't let anyone else have them,” he said gently, reaching out to wipe the whipped cream that you so selfishly refused to lick from your lips. You gasped at the contact, his fingers eliciting flames beneath your skin, and you found your abruptly standing, setting down your drink and making your way to the door of the make-shift art studio.

“So what else have you been working on?” You asked with a bit more force than was needed.

In a panic, Hyunjin bolted from the couch, almost spilling his hot chocolate over some of his charcoal sketches as he hastily set down the mug.

“No, no, no, barred from entry!” Hyunjin shouted, lifting you from the ground mere seconds before you could even touch the handle.

“Ah! Hyunjin, put me down!”

“No!”

“Why can't I go in?!”

“Because I said so!” Hyunjin rebuttaled, putting you back down on the ground but refusing to let you go. For a moment, you believed you had a chance to escape, but before you could even attempt to sprint away, Hyunjins fingers began dancing at your side. You squealed, squirming and jolting as Hyunjin tickled you mercilessly.

“I- I want… to seeeeee!” You whined between gasps of air, but Hyunjin only doubled down, releasing your waist entirely to tickle you with both hands, causing you to drop to your knees with Hyunjin following.

“Barred. From. Entry.” He enunciated, reaching beyond your sides to any vulnerable spot he could use to his advantage, giggling as you attempted to squirm away.

“Okay, okay, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I won't go in, I promise!” You acquiesced.

Instantly, Hyunjin removed his hands, letting you sit up and catch your breath before wrapping his arms around you. Resting your head on his chest, you pouted, a childish need to see what he was currently working on rushing through you.

“You must be working on something big. You never hide anything from me.” You felt Hyunjins’ laugh rumble in his chest as he nuzzled your head.

“Don't be mad, it's just… the art in there. If I let you see it, it would be like I let you read my diary. I get really vulnerable in there and not that I don't trust you, but I've just been… feeling some things I'm not ready to share with anyone yet.”

You pouted again, this time at yourself, feeling silly. He shouldn't feel like he had to defend himself. That wasn't fair to him. Yes, it hurt not being aware of every facet of his life, but he deserved to have things he could keep to himself, it was only fair considering there were things you could no longer share with him either now that your relationship has changed. So, with a huff, you relented.

“Don't apologize, Jinnie, I'm just being pouty. If you feel like it's too private, then I won't pry,” you reassured him, leaning up and pressing a chaste kiss to his cheek.

Hyunjins heart gave a clunky thud but he attempted to just take the moment for what it was. A warm moment between friends, a moment where one friend was simply reassuring the other and showing her comfort through a platonic show of affection. But when Hyunjin pulled away, fully intending to simply smile and thank you, his eyes met your lips over your gaze and he couldn't feel anything other than the warmth of your body in his arms, the softness of your hair, the memories of your lips against his and thoughtlessly he began to lean in.

You held your breath, completely captivated by the electricity buzzing between the two of you. Your mind was blank, your body waiting for the heat that always came when Hyunjins lips brushed against yours. If you closed your eyes, you could always recall how he'd tease whenever he had the time to, how he would ghost his lips over yours before pressing into you more aggressively, lingering just long enough that you melt before snapping away and leaving you breathless.

It was when Hyunjins ringed hand rested against your cheek that you broke back into reality, the cold metal a biting reminder that he was too close.

“Hyunjin…” you breathed, his lips a breath away from yours.

A slight gasp spilled from Hyunjin as he swiftly pulled away from you, standing and walking into the living room. He had to put as much space between you and him as possible. What the hell was he doing? What was wrong with him?

“Oh god, Y/N, I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me.” Hyunjin could feel the guilt washing over him and had to bury his face in his hands to keep himself calm. He couldn't help but notice that the metal on his hands wasn't as cold as it usually would be.

This was it, though, right? He's totally crossed a line. Surely you'd never want to be alone with him again.

“Ah… that was close,” you said after a moment, your head still reeling. “I guess this is what you meant when you said we'd need to break a few habits.” Now it was your turn to smile sheepishly. Hyunjin dropped his hands, and your heart constricted as wide, glassy eyes looked over to you.

“You're not mad?”

“What? Hyunjin, no, of course I'm not mad. It's not like we actually kissed, we just got caught up in the moment,” you said, walking over and taking one of his hands in yours, your gaze focused on twiddling with his fingers. You had wanted to hug him but thought better of it, you didn't want to risk another close call. “I… I'm not saying I feel good about what almost happened, but… this is our first time seeing each other since Changbin and I started dating, and we're still… adjusting. I don't know if this really is the right thing to say, but I don't think we did anything wrong since we didn't actually kiss.”

Your eyes trailed up to his, your gaze holding his in a silent urge for him to calm down. Taking a deep breath, Hyunjin nodded, running his free hand through his hair.

“I guess… it wouldn't be bad of us to give each other a little bit of grace, yeah?”

“Yeah, I think so too,” you said with relief, dropping his hand and taking a step back, trying to work some breathing room between the two of you. “And if you're really feeling bad about this, you can always paint about it in your little room there.”

Scoffing Hyunjin tossed a pillow from the couch at you, walking over to the spare room and rapping on the door with his knuckles.

“I’ll let you see it if I ever do.”

“I'll hold you to that.”

After a beat of silence, you decided now was a good time to bow out, still feeling awkward from the almost kiss and not wanting to push your luck. Hyunjin walked you to your car but made sure to keep a small gap between you two, too afraid to even touch you. He may still want you but not like this, he never wanted to ruin your happiness in such a way, so instead he simply imagined a part of him was being held close in the three pieces you clutched tightly to your chest.

Once you had wished him goodnight and drove off, Hyunjin dashed back inside and changed into his ratty paint attire. He needed to paint, to vent, to get out all of the overflowing feelings he had struggled so desperately to reign in the moment he almost kissed you.

Walking into his studio, he gathered his supplies and replaced the canvas he had on the easel with a painting he had been working on periodically. This one was special. He had to get it right. Stepping back, he looked over the piece before continuing to render out the forms, sweeping his brush over his pallet and collecting hues that matched the mood he wanted to convey. If he was being honest with himself, out of all the pieces, this was the one he wanted you to see the least, the main centerpiece of all his vulnerability and desires. He had been struggling to name it, but after tonight, he knew exactly what to call it. Taking a nearby hard pastel, Hyunjin turned over the canvas, scrawlling in swift motions the words:

“What Once was Mine”

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DEAR GOD I STRUGGLED LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER TRYING TO WRAP THIS CHAPTER UP!!! I started off all well and good, had a good rhythm going. Then freaking mom life stepped in and next thing I knew it was Friday already, what the FAWK???? I barely got this chapter out by the skin of my teeth 😭

Anyway just... here, here ya go. Enjoy the moral shades of grey with that almost kiss at the end. I'm gonna go rest my eyes now omg.

Taglist: @groovygroovyhyunjin @hhwangsmoon @luvyblossom @doggezz@kayleefriedchicken @hyunjinhoexxx

#changbin x reader #bang chan #han jisung #hwang hyunjin x reader #hyunjin x reader #seo changbin x reader #skz stay #slow burn #stray kids fanfic #lee felix #implied cheating #almost kiss #slight angst #mutual pining #they're so awkward #painter Hyunjin #what once was mine

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warriorprincesstramp · 4 months ago

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ok enough time has passed. short n sweet song rating

taste - I like it! it's kinda of overproduced and ditzy (like, sonically? I don't know how to describe it. hollow ig) but it's fun petty a little bit gay it helps that the mv is really good 8/10

please please please - like. whatever. I'm honestly over it. 5/10

good graces - 2/10 I do not like this song as soon as I heard this song I knew it was over for us I'm serious. melody is good but the lyrics and vibe is garbage and it DOES NOTTTTT FIT ON THIS FUCKING ALBUMMMMMM

sharpest tool - this is the closest song we have that could be an eics song. but crucially it's not so it's not as good. but I still like it <3 the "we never talk about it" end to the chorus and its repetition is really lame and underwhelming though idk. 7/10

coincidence - I really like this one I like the aggressive guitar I like the whispery adlibs. doesn't feel like it fits the album much (though truly what does fit the album the album is nothing!) and it NEEDS a better longer bridge.... why are these songs so fucking shortttt SABRINA. ANSWER MY CALLS. 8/10

bed chem - I kinda like this one sorry beth... in a sense this is everything wrong with new sabrina but well I think we'd have really good come right on me I mean camaraderie said you're not in my time zone but you wanna be where art thou why not uponeth me see it in my mind let's fulfil the prophecy. bridge is ass though 6/10

espresso - I am still not sick of that's that me espresso... that's literally that me espresso. 10/10 yes it ushered in a horrible era but it's a banger I'm sorry. I'm sorry you can't accept when a song is catchy and fun. what I hate though is it should have been an individual single song like honeymoon fades. the vintage beach vibes stand out so heavily against the production of literally every other song I know I already said loads of songs don't fit (BECAUSE. NOTHING FITS IT'S REALLY BAD GUYS) but it's true of this song most of all. you're literally listening to an entirely different sound and album for three minutes... 10/10 but she shouldn't even be here. or alternatively maybe if the whole album gave this sound and energy it would've been good 🤷

dumb and poetic - I LOVED this on first listen now I don't really care. her voice on "jack off to lyrics by leonard cohen" and the kinda reverb is so good as well as you're so empathetic you'd make a great wife and I promise the mushrooms aren't changing your life... also this seriously happened to rachel mcguire I can't emphasise that enough! 6/10

slim pickins - god. YAWN. I liked this when I saw the live version before the album drop but the production sucked all the life out of it lol. it's repetitive and the gay awakening line pisses me off. that one tiktok voice I'll break your heart just as bad!!!! but I do love the line lord knows he isn't living large... 4/10

juno - I literally switch between loving and hating this. "you make me wanna make you fall in love" is SO fun... but wowie it does not resonate... and using juno as the vehicle to describing wanting to get pregnant is so weird idk she was a teen and she should've aborted that thing... whatever. it's definitely one of the best sounding on the album 6/10

lie to girls - boring but pretty good. the how many things of short n sweet perhaps. 5/10 ok actually I'm listening now and I'm not fucking with it at all. 3/10

don't smile - I tune out by this point. sounds nice 5/10 but makes no sense as a closer for an album that's ENTIRE deal is I'm confident and sexy and silly!!! like girl where is the silly. this is such an abrupt serious end to a bunch of nonsense. excuse my phrasing. juno should've been the last song DUH end on a HIGH not a phony moment of emotion

AS AN ALBUM. literally none of this coheres it's all over the place even though all of the songs are also kinda about the same things and it gets really repetitive? I don't know how she did that but she did. that's some sort of accomplishment. it's so bad. sorry I really hate it. 2/10

#i think that annoying bald guy music reviewer should've been meaner.#.txt

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sirenascelestiales · 28 days ago

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I watched SATC for the first time ever

I have THOUGHTS. No one needs to know my thoughts but I have written them out anyway. Overall, I'd say an 7/10 show.

Ok, so I've seen all 6 seasons now (none of the movies or the reboot/sequel series). I watched September through November 2024. I knew only a few things about the show:

Lauded as a great show about female friendship and every woman can/should be able to identify with one of the friends

No way can a columnist actually afford to live the way Carrie does, suspend your disbelief for that

One of the women goes through cancer and another or maybe the same one has a child after issues conceiving (IDK why this is what I knew but it was!)

SJP and KC hate each other bc of this show, after filming this show, since the beginning of this show or something, point is NOT besties IRL?

Ok general thoughts.

It aged both well and not very well. I like it overall, hence a positive 'rating' but there were scenes where I cringed and just stared and to like pause to think about what they just had said.

Seeing as it came out in 1998, I understand that it was rather revolutionary for them to talk so candidly about sex on a show (even an HBO one at that) for and about women. Kudos to Kim Cattrall for saying some of her lines with such a straight face. And I like that it's a view into what female friendships are like... but it did get very "are we even attempting to pass a Bechdel test?" territory sometimes. The point is romantic relationships, sex, and the like, so I think that you can sort of excuse the first season for having such asinine conversations, but I found myself more curious about Charlotte, Miranda, and Samantha's jobs not just who they were banging. But when the stories involved their jobs it was more of how inconvenient it could be for them to be career women and date (mostly Miranda and somewhat Sam). For Charlotte it was a way to meet men who met her standards. Tell me about art! Or how you got here!

where are their parents and siblings!?! We meet Charlotte's brother and she thinks Sam isn’t good enough for him? Are y'all friends? And then we don't see anyone at her wedding. Or Miranda's! Miranda’s mom dies and she and her sis must not get along cause she’s never mentioned again. I DID like the support of the 3 during the passing of her mom tho.

The negatives of the show I am sure I am not the first to point out but so much like racism, transphobia, homophobia, and like? I'm genuinely surprised it was written by a gay man since the gay men we're introduced to are somewhat caricatures and idk if flat is the right word but the show didn’t seem to actually care about Stanford, despite being relegated as part of the friend group but not one of the girls.

I kinda wish they kept Carrie's 4th wall breaking from the first season. I enjoyed it being not only Carrie's thoughts on love, sex, and relationships but her random and somewhat diverse (at least in class/careers) group of acquaintances. I kinda liked that you had a man's perspective in Skipper, but he was just so incel-before-it-was-a-thing that yeah it was fine when he left. But basically, I would have like a more rounded cast of characters not just the 4 women themselves?

idk I think overall I liked it (I mean I watched it all and am now writing out my thoughts on it—tho partially cause no one I’m close with irl has seen it). The fashion! The overall feel that it does sort of glamorize and make me go "I can be single in the city in my 30s!".

Onto the women themselves!

Carrie: I understand why Carrie is hated. She kinda sucks. She's a better friend to the women when their issues are not serious. She overlooks their issues when she's got "bigger" things on her mind (Big/Aiden, other men, her career, her fashion/money troubles, etc.)

She doesn't seem to be very sex positive/open minded about sex despite being a sex columnist. Like her dating a bisexual man and "not knowing what to say" and “I don't think it exists/layover to gay town". Like girl, WHAT? but then she was also rather calm about the pissing kink man and was like “not for me but here are alternatives” so where’s that energy?

I really enjoyed her fashion, I think if I had that confidence (and admittedly body) I would wear all sorts of things like she did and not care what anyone thought.

Big sucks. The show should have ended with her yelling at Big to FUCK OFF and leaving for Paris (and added a scene with the women visiting her and celebrating her new life) BUT for the earlier seasons idk why she just didn’t listen to him, he basically told her he did not want anything serious with her. She pushed it to be something else. I LOATHED THE cheating story line mostly cause I really disliked how a confident woman like Carrie stooped so low and needed Charlotte to remind her to think about being in Natasha’s shoes (didn’t she also judge Sam when Sam fucked a married guy?) Like she had a babsic all women deserve respect attitude. also Big shoulda dated Charlotte if he wanted a trophy wife cause like Natasha is basically a 26yr old Charlotte. (Not that Charlotte deserves that expired jar of mayo of a man)

then she treated Aiden awful! and to justify their second relationship sucking!!!!! they changed his character to make him an asshole who punished her at every turn (tho in his defense WHY WOULD YOU STILL BE FRIENDS WITH BIG. Not even cause he was the affair partner [tho Carrie 👀 wtf] but like he wasn’t a good “friend” either) like Aiden seemed heartbroken over their relationship ending (both times) but unlike her, he seemed to be someone who would be able to communicate and work past issues but he just didn’t? He just like kept bringing it up, like dude if you’re willing to take back someone who cheated on you stated your boundaries and deal breakers don’t just punish people for breaking them without knowing what they are!

Also idk if this is a 2024 take but for a writer she doesn’t seem to have interests that match writers? It implies she reads vogue but she doesn’t have favorite fashion critics/writers and she doesn’t seem to ever do like any writing workshops (learning or even teaching) idk it just was noticeable that Aleks was “worldly” and she and her friends weren’t? Which brings me to how come Charlotte was the only one who somewhat behaved sanely there. I know Sam always talks about sex but cmon she’s a PR agent she would know how to talk to a millionaire artist at his fancy dinner. Miranda, the lawyer would too.

I hated when Carrie asked Charlotte for money and Charlotte basically asked for forgiveness for not being there for her and initially rejecting the idea and then gave her the ring! wtf? Sell off half your fashion for money girl. I find it hard to believe someone in their 30s really didn’t know shit about money and even a huge love a of fashion, sell enough to get money to get a loan!!!!

THAT BEING SAID

I kinda like that she was a toxic, selfish, went-for-the-guy-despite-him-being-bad-for-her main character. Good fashion, sarcastic and witty, I really kinda miss landlines cause of her, I really enjoyed the overall friendship that was implied Carrie offered (tho it didn’t come across very well in later seasons lbr). Again, if i could i'd have here confidence, love of indulgence, HAIR, glamours partying (within reason smoking aint for me), and be a published author in a glamorous city.

Charlotte:

I didn’t like Charlotte at first, too conservative and WASPY and very dated views on dating and sex. Also weird that she was friends with any of these women when she basically disagreed with their very vocal opinions on sex. Like she seemed very opposed to sleeping around, despite still sleeping around herself idk oxymoronic imo.

but

she was easier to come around on. She’s the romantic, she had some of the best line of the series “maybe we can be each others soulmates”, “I’m worth a million”. I think she should have ended things with Trey waaay earlier cause of Bunny, like babes she sucks even if you wanted to eventually be a WASPY socialite like her. Trey clearly will not stand up to her...But kudos to Trey giving her the apt after the shit he put her through. Harry was great! I think I would go about committing to something the way Charlotte did when she converted to Judaism, which was try your hardest to, study your ass off, and be ambitious and unrelenting in completing your goals. So I relate to that. I’m glad she got her baby in the end, she deserved an adoption waaaay earlier and damn was watching her miscarry was a hard episode. I relate to her in her ambitious and romanticism but I also do not relate to her trust fund ways lol

her style was very classic and almost 50s/60s inspired I like the lines and cuts the most out of her closet but I would go with bolder colors tbh! 🤔 l guess my ending would be:

Carrie tells Big fuck off, leaves to Paris. Charlotte visits with her baby and the others a year later. We get clarification that she adopted her baby (can we please get a name?) and that she has another adoption in the process!

Miranda:

They did her dirty. She was cynical and sarcastic and stubborn and I was sure she and Samantha would be the “it’s ok to never marry or even partner up” story lines. And then she got pregnant and while I can understand why she would keep a child if she technically wanted some in the future (I would have to rewatch or google but I was sure she and Sam were like “kids are no!” I was sure she never did even after her ovary scare) I HATE STEVE.

he’s childish, he’s immature, he’s not on her financial level! even after the bar becomes a success (does it? I feel like she’s paying for everything! cause it's her apartment!) This man brought a puppy to convince her for a child and did NOTHING. I do not understand why she “loves him”. Cause I understand like the man that gave you a child but BLAIR UNDERWOOD WAS RIGHT THERE! He was a successful doctor. He understood her neurosis and also was able to help her work through it like Steve (i'll give him that he tried to balance her out) and Robert was frankly a better option (remember Steve couldn't fucking take care of their baby despite being the one who allegedly wanted children 1-2 years earlier!). If she had to end up with someone, it should have been Robert. (Why did they make Blair/Robert a fucking loser after the breakup? I understand him being hurt by being broken up with but he didn’t have to be such an ass to her and immediately what fuck two women to show he didn’t love her anyway????)

I wish they had kept her more androgynous style, they soften her up which fine but she was so good at the power suits! I like that she had short hair and was still chic. ALSO I miss real teeth. They're all clearly like straight and real teeth, Carrie has more yellow ones and I assume it's due do smoking but man remember real teeth in film and TV

Anyway, ending with Miranda added:

Carrie tells Big fuck off, leaves to Paris. (I guess I should add, she can dump Aleks still and just get another column or start a blog [2004 remember] about “An American Girl living in Paris”) Charlotte visits with her baby and the others a year later. We get clarification that she adopted her baby (again I want her to name the baby girl) and that she has another adoption in the process! Miranda is visiting alone (Brady is with Magda or even Steve cause damn dude take care of your child). She’s happy and successfully opened her own firm? Idk how lawyer careers work but she deserves to be a boss ass bitch-lawyer while being a single mom. OR she and Dr. Robert are engaged!

Sam:

also done dirty. And I mean cause despite being liberal and very vocal about sex, I really found it hard to believe she didn’t get tested until someone reminded her? HUH? She’s 40 and loves to fuck and is well groomed cmon! You can just be like she gets anxiety every time she tests cause so much language around STIs is "if you have sex you will die"!

I feel like her getting cancer was a way to punish her? Idk it felt like the story was saying she needed to learn a lesson bc a lot of her sex story lines were a bit of a punishment not a celebration (she fucked a married rich man and gets shut out? if she's rich enough she'd still be allowed into places cmon), but she was so cool about it all including the cancer, that it didn’t work but I still got that feeling of punishing Sam and maybe it’s my knowledge of the rift between SJP and KC?

Anyway, small dick good man was a meh story, big dick meh man was a rehash, SHE’S BI but Maria was a caricature of SPICY ANGRY LOUD LATINA. So we don’t even mention that again. Richard was truly a dick she should have kept fucking him and milking him for money and been fine with him fucking others and she could fuck others. bc why did she take him back? Girl you knew you didn’t believe him! Either he’s good for sex and money or you go back to being your phenomenal self!

Smith was great, supportive and a bit of a boytoy tbh? I like that they fell in love fr and he supported her so much. Again why fuck richard for her to just cry about it? And not even control the situation.

Sam’s style is the best, power suits, bright colors, shows off her body, wears patterns and looks great!

ending would be 🤔

Yeah I liked SATC overall, again 7/10. Maybe I'll rewatch when I'm 40

#illy talks #this is so long but also I’m probably not gonna talk about it again?#satc

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acheronist · 8 months ago

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how did you start learning tattooing? what made you want to try it?

ohh... hm. Well. Okay to be so honest and short and easy with you I was really depressed and having my quarter life crisis and so I picked it up as a way to try and get myself back on track with like. being alive + doing something semi-meaningful with my life lol

here's the longer detail stuff that I fear is a bit too tenderhearted to just have out in the open

💌

near the end of last year (november-ish) I was yapping with a friend of mine from art school who ended up getting into tattooing after we had graduated, and explaining that i didn't like how publishing illustration was treating me and i felt like i was spinning my wheels and going nowhere. so she really encouraged me to give tattooing a shot? because I needed to do something different and she thought my art style could be really well suited for tattooing... and ofc i've been tangentially aware of tattoo culture but i was always kind of too scared that I wasn't like........ GOOD OR COOL ENOUGH? FOR IT? it seemed very intense and like there wasn't going to be room for me yknow. but anyways after talking with my friend i started doing a lot of research about like.. the history of tattoo culture and how techniques developed over the centuries and what are the popular styles now and what modern health/safety expectations of tat artists are now etc. just kind of taking it all in. following a lot of artists on social media etc and talking to my friend about what her apprenticeship entailed... but I bought myself a shitty cheap tattoo kit online in december and spent most of december-february just trying to teach myself how to handle a rotary pen machine and get a feel for it? and basically spent all of my time either playing around with my machine and fake practice skins or drawing or researching about tattoo history. and then in february/march I redid my whole portfolio with some neo trad designs + my other illust work and started visiting some local shops and basically just begging for 15 minutes to talk to someone in the industry and figure out if I was hopeless or not lmaooo. I went to about five shops and got soundly rejected / turned down from all of them, so I was really taking it as a sign that I should give up? but then the last shop I was going to try was like. idk it felt different and way more optimistic than everywhere else I'd tried at.... the artists on break at the time all took a chance to look thru my portfolio and talk to me, the shop owner is an angel, and so we went from "can I just ask for your professional opinion on if I suck at this or not" to getting introduced to everyone as they were working like "this is isabel she's gonna be our new apprentice!😊" which was!!!!!! CRAZY.

and so it took about two weeks after that before one of the more experienced artists in the shop was like 🙄 Fine I will teach another fucking apprentice I guess. Whatever. and I was like oh no he hates me. (turns out there's some shop lore about how awful the last apprentice was and everyone was kind of waiting to see if I'd turn out the same way) so I've just been working really hard ever since to prove I'm serious and now I'm everyone's favorite little idiot in my shop eheheh

but yeah! so I've been apprenticing officially in my shop since the end of march!!! just learning and trying to be helpful for my artists and trying to take it on the chin that I'm brand new and still learning and have a long way to go yet without getting miserable about it... but I feel very optimistic and way better now than I did in december, and everyone in my shop is soooo so kind and encouraging of my progress it really does feel like... Oh there is hope for me after all!

but yeah anyways. I just wanted to have an archive of my work as I progress and improve? so now everyone who follows my stupid ass blog has to bear witness to me being slightly bad at tattooing for months yet xoxoxo

#🩸#this response is so long. sorry if you dont give a fuck LOL

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springtrappd · 8 months ago

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@limbsandheads this entire blog has actually been an elaborate operation to convert as many people to vannyism as possible via the "shite posts" of the youth. Glad to see it's working

jokes aside: HEHEHEHE THANK YOU... yeah a big part of getting comfy in my niche here has been getting comfortable enough to actually, like, POST my anaylsis /because/ of the complete lack of it elsewhere. being counterculture can be a tough place to be in! the amount of times i've had to hold myself back or scrap something bc i'm unsure if i'm gonna get dragged into explaining, idk, what a fucking metaphor is or some shit... ugh. awful do not recommend. i'm not sure what's worse: people who refuse to believe that parallels exist, or people that understand that parallels exist but only as fodder for theories (which are, as we all know, the most important part of any satisfying story)

i think people in general have a hostile response to any kind of serious analysis precisely because it's serious; it feels like... there's this pervasive sense -- particularly when you talk to the people that i'm thinking of here -- that academia is somehow Other or (views itself as) Superior in some way, thus making the act of engaging in it about posturing rather than, well. study. people have a very strict idea of what art is, even if only subconsciously, and react accordingly when the Other comes in to try and take away their favourite toy. games are fun; analysis is not. why can't you just let people enjoy things, you're just doing this for attention, etc etc etc. it's a position borne of ignorance, one that assumes that you can separate art from play at all -- and one that finds itself most vulnerable to exploitation. it's fundamentally reactionary rhetoric, is what i'm getting at here, and why i can so easily swap out stupid fnaf jargon for a conservative strawman and still get the point across.

anti-intellectualism sucks because it sucks all the joy out of art. like, for all i joke about being fuelled by spite, you'll find that even my most virulent snark comes from a place of love. i talk about this shit because i love it; because i love the actors and writers and art directors and character designers and production teams and editors, every single one of them, and there's nothing quite as intimate as a dissection. to peel back the layers of a piece of art is to ultimately shine a light on the things beneath -- all the blood and bone and gristle, where the artist has been pressed between the pages... to look at someone and know them, to sit and think about what they wanted to say -- what is that, if not love?

you aren't born knowing how to say "i love you". it's something you've gotta learn. and this is what we in the biz call a """METAPHOR""",

also, while we're here: fun fact! i actually write a lot of my stuff off-the-cuff, which is why the flow is often weird/words are missing/it might take a wild left turn away from the original subject? (like i'm low-key doing rn!) it's something that makes me cringe, but also fuels my desire to get around to writing a proper essay abt this terrible franchise eventually... i've got pages of bullet points & notes scattered around the place (& hundreds of discord messages to pull from, oh god), it's just the practical part of it that makes me want to crawl back into my skin. until then you are stuck with the Crazed Ravings (Autism Flavour), (un)fortunately (depending on how you look at it)

#speaking!#limbsandheads #replies #you get a separate post bc it got WAYYY too long lmao #it's my specialty <3 #ignore how nonsensical this got i am falling asleep

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leyyvi · 9 months ago

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Ive always wanted to go to art school but everyone always tells me it sucks? Like the students can be real mean and pretentious

i don't go to a solely art-focused school so i can't speak on the students but i do feel like there's a lot of different types of art students in art majors and you kind of have to find your people for sure. in upper division art for me at least people are VERY competitive and can be very self/outwardly critical and depending on the field it can be rough. (like graphic design is rooooough) i think if you want to be serious about art in education you have to have a tough skin bc your work WILL be ripped apart either by other students or teachers at some point. but at the same time i've met some really cool people that i still keep in touch with! i'm just not a very sociable person in general so aaaa

sfssdfhsjf and i'm gonna be honest unless you are VERY serious about making art your career while ALSO maximizing your networking at those fancy art schools (getting to know your instructors, mentors, other students, taking advantage of career events the school may have) then maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe it could be worth it.

BUT i think it's completely doable to also achieve great things at state schools and UCs! i cannot recommend taking community college GEs and then going into state/UC route enough especially if you're not 100% sure what you want to do after college! ofc this isn't meant to discourage you to be passionate about art school! i've also seen peers from high school go to art school and be super successful too! it really depends on how you handle art education. it takes a lot of self discipline imo fgjkhjkfhdg

UHHH SORRY FOR RAMBLING? IDK IF THIS HELPED LOL

#ofc this is all my opinion and what i've experienced and seen with students personally!

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allthingsfook · 2 years ago

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Hi there!! Not sure if you are still doing ships but if you are could i please have one??

My name is Shae i am 22 years old and a virgo (Sagittarius Moon Rising if that is of any use). I have green/grey? eyes and auburn-ish curly hair (ish because it only looks red in the sun) and i’m about 5’3. I have been told that i am an extremely loyal person and that i am hilarious and should be a comedian. I am very opinionated and am also not afraid to call people out when i see fit and that has gotten me in trouble a couple of times but i’d rather let someone know when i am not happy than just suck it up to make the other person comfortable (lets just say you don’t want to get on my bad side).I am an extremely creative person i love to paint and sculpt and do anything hands on. I danced for 18 years, 15 of them competitively and could have made a career out of it if i wanted to. I can sing as well as play a few instruments (did violin for 3 years, learned the basics of ukulele, i kinda know guitar? But I haven’t touched it in years so who knows how i am at it now). I have worked with animals before and loved it so much i am trying to get into the animal course in my state so i can continue to do so. I am a HUGE nerd especially for anything to do with pop culture, history and Mythology and i love anything nostalgic. I’m a huge thrifter and i love any old type of media (vhs tapes,cameras, things of that sort) i also love to explore new places and love a good bushwalk. I am known in my friend group for being cow obsessed (to the point that if my friends are on a roadtrip and see a cow they will send me a pic) and for being full of a wide range of knowledge that even I don’t understand where it comes from. I think that’s enough info and Idk how to end this so bye

Hi Shae, yes you may! I ship you with…

Sam 🤍🌅🧡

Sammy is definitely a goober, he needs to be with someone who can take and give a joke! Being with him is sorta like living at a comedy show, nothing is mundane. With that being said, Sammy does have a serious, intellectual side. He often gets labeled as the class clown, but I am sure that he can be your rock when you need it.

Another characteristic you both share is being honest to a fault! Your honesty and strong views would capture Sam’s attention from the very beginning and remain his favorite quality about you. Sam is certainly attracted to those that march to their own drum. Sounds like you fill those shoes!

Your artistic side would create quality time between the two of you. He’d love tackling an art project on a Sunday afternoon. Imagine setting up a craft station in the backyard and spending the day painting and sculpting, listening to music and sipping wine!

Sammy would certainly encourage you to exercise your inner musician. He’d set you up with all sorts of instruments, encouraging you through this at home lessons 🤭 Although his methods may seem scatterbrained, you’d slowly realize they are effective when you practice while he’s away.

As we all know, Sam is passionate about wildlife and animals. He’d support you in any way to get into the animal course! Through your adventure with that, I could see him tagging along to events that include petting, feeding, and snuggling animals 😆 He’d beg to bring home an impractical animal and convince you that he could make it work!

Sam is the definition of nerd. Imagine laying in bed when he brings up the most random topic, then you lay there for hours on end… discussing your thoughts, feelings, and ambitions 🤍 Thrifting right up his alley ✅ Media… Photograohy, yup ✅ I see he’s been walking around with a vintage camera lately. So sweet to think Joe inspired him to document his creative vision. I’d love to see the film he gets developed. With you, no doubt he’d end up with rolls filled with candids of your beautiful face 💗

I hope you enjoyed your ship, Shae!!! Let me know what you think ✨✨

#greta van fleet #gvf #gvf ships #gvf imagine #greta van fluff #sam kiskza #sam gvf #samuel francis kiszka

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russenoire · 1 year ago

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some points raised by AI advocates that made me stroke my chin and maybe even empathize a tiny bit.

idk, but i like nuance and think it gets elided easily in online discussions. i do not think these below are GOOD justifications, ever, for plundering the hard work and talent of human artists using AI to make art for profit, but they're valid points.

some people tempted by or who make AI art

don't want to take the time to 'git gud, n00b' because they emphatically do not enjoy the process of sucking at shit until they don't suck. and this includes those who might be interested in taking the time, but look at everything they feel might be required and think: 'i could go to film or art school for 3+ years or i could spend 30 minutes tailoring a midjourney prompt.' i kinda get this one, tbh. artistic skill is hard-won whether you're formally trained or not. i am untrained; i would say self-trained. but i never stopped drawing as a child like most people do. something visually and mentally clicked for me, something that i couldn't even articulate until i read drawing on the right side of the brain in my 20s, that allowed me to jump over the initial 'why can't i just draw what i SEE AAAAKSHDKF' hurdle. maybe this is what 'talent' actually means? that early mental/visual shift—where you come to see the world and things in it as a collection of shapes, lines, planes, lights, darks, color blocks, mostly divorced from context or meaning—is present in others like myself, and it does smooth your path. adults just draw for two, three, four years, compare themselves to people who felt some version of that aforementioned shift and/or went to art school, and conclude that they 'have no talent'. while that understandably feels like a long-ass time to go nowhere fast, three years really isn't a lot of time for organic, undirected skill development. i'm serious. inventing the wheel by yourself takes fucking forever; my drawings didn't stop sucking until i was around 11 or 12. that's half my childhood. easily. but actually taking classes or diving into hardcore study? can and will drastically shorten that time. the progress i've seen competent drawing teachers achieve with their students in weeks or months, or artists on youtube who do frequent, deliberate practice in a year is not a miracle. real progress is attainable within a reasonable fucking frame of time IF YOU WANT IT.

really, really aren't satisfied with art that looks bad to them and still want to realize their ideas. and i'm talking crying themselves to sleep over the mismatch between their own skills and said ideas. that frustration is REAL and a version of it is actually a huge factor in why children stop drawing. see all of the above. i don't know how to ease the pain of that skill mismatch. me, i sat with a lot of frustration for a long time; hell, I STILL DO. i think i'd still be halfway decent at lineart and intimidated by actually painting it if i hadn't just started pushing myself to fucking PAINT already, even if it looked really basic. being simultaneously OK with whatever you can do right now and still striving to improve is emotionally difficult. and i know it hurts to have a really cool idea and feel blocked from making it real, especially if you're just not there yet. 'THEN JUST COMMISSION AN ARTIST,' i can hear you artists screaming from the ether. yo. artists are expensive. we are, and we kinda need to be to make a decent living or a feasible side hustle (i'm not going to get into artists underselling themselves). i do think most folks in this boat are not greedy tech bros, just ordinary working class folks who want beauty that is good enough without having to shovel over half a week's paycheck for it. to which i would also argue... dude, you can just save up, too.

often only recognize certain styles of painting (realism or hyperrealism; super-glossy, shiny, high contrast digital painting) as art and want to make art like THAT. putting aside the fact that art is all-encompassing and literally anything can be art, paintings in realistic styles are what i would argue most lay people think of as capital-A art. there is a reason why dictators tend to discourage or prohibit non-realist art; why the early USSR and CPC commissioned bright realist murals everywhere; why more abstract art didn't really catch fire in the western world until the advent of photography. people can see themselves and their history, represented in full color and often writ large. that's fucking powerful and sometimes lost, i think, on those of us who see things differently. but that kind of art is even more out of reach for the lay person who wants it. it takes far longer to make and train for, and artists who work in a realistic style can and do command stupid money. not everyone has that kind of patience or pockets that deep.

firmly believe that some people have more talent than others, so skill development doesn't matter. these are usually the people i mentioned in my first point, who've actually tried for months or years to git gud but never knew how or what to practice. they've been exposed to lots of people their age who felt the shift™ and can't really explain their faster improvement. if you know this feel, gentle reader, and have no clue what's actually happening, i understand why you might throw in the towel. US culture in particular is terrible at growing and nurturing talent of all kinds, and artists don't often share the hours they're actually pouring into improving specific skills. 'talent' by itself is fucking useless; a person who is willing to work at continual improvement will mop up the floor with someone who doesn't think they need to build skill. artists know this. and if you don't feel that shift as a kid, you can learn how to unlock it as an adult.

#AI #AI art #art is your birthright #musings #turntablism and sampling carry some of the same ethical concerns #the music industry dealt with this by asking musicians to credit their sources #and share any profits generated from their own work in many cases with the original rights holders #it's different ofc because DJs are very consciously choosing what to use from where #like a drum lick here #or a horn blast there #or a spoken line from a recipe #and then weaving everything together into a tapestry that doesn't resemble the original #they're also typically highly skilled artists and producers in their own right #you should look up the history of the 'amen break' sometime #that 6 sec drum sample catalyzed one of my favorite musical styles #drum and bass

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taeyamayang · 1 year ago

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FIRST OFF im terribly sorry for replying late to this, i had a lot going on (personally, some stuff i cant say here) so ive been out of tumblr or social media in general but hey! when i saw this i got really excited! i'd love to know how you're doing (even if im late to it

WILLOOOOOOOW omg she's gotten so big?? i have pretty small body frame so i feel like meeting willow and her jumping to me will make me fall to my back (but ngl i love it when dogs hugs me in a rough way lol they're just so cute and cuddly!). can i just say that willow looks like a prim and proper young lady ready to be served in a five star fine dining? lol she is sooo cute LOOK AT HER PAWS! it's curved like those of cats

I remember hyperfixating on boku no hero too! i almost became a writer for MHA but there just too many characters and i didnt know where to start and what you said is actually true! it's hard to look for content of characters you like esp on tumblr since this app has few users in comparison to twitter (or X) or other apps. i liked stain before too! lol but i've always been a loyal to todoroki, hawks, and amajiki.

OHMYGOD YOUR SELF THO YOUR SELF!! that is some serious goals there. please, i want to collect stuff too but you know, adulting just sucks sometimes (nah im actually just very thrifty lololol) but your collection is amazing! ive been thinking of getting figurines too but you know once you start getting ONE character, you couldn't get enough. it becomes an addiction.

YOU HAVE THE TRIO AS FIGURINES HOLY SHIT IM JEALOUS THAT IS SO GOOD AND ANDDD TSUYUUUU YOU HAVE TSYUUU SHES MY ABSOLUTE FAVE IN MHA like among the girls she's my top 1. you also have haikyuu merch omg pls im trying to stop myself from purchasing a kenma lamp (been trying to tell myself that i NEED it for sanity's sake) AND OMG YOU ALSO HAVE THE MANGAS NOOOOOOOOOO IVE BEEN THINKING OF GETTING MANGAS TOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOO god this is tempting me. i wanted to get haikyuu, jjk, chainsaw man, and tokyo rev mangas but i dont know yet which volume to get bc obvsly i cant get vol. 1 to the most recent bc my bookshelf is already full. i mean, i already have books in it so i can't fit everythinggg but once i get them ill send you a picture too!

and about your oc have you written a piece with her in it? i might have missed it since it took me a WHOLE MONTH to reply to this. if you have please send it to me! i want to read it!! her quirk being freaky blood/guts/gore kind of thing is interesting and i like the art you commissioned for her! THE RED HAIR AND PIERCING ROCKS HOLY CRAP.

jjk is...idk what to say man it's just very draining for me to read (i usually read mangas of animes i really liked) i had to stop reading it every now and then bc it's reallyyyy draining like it reminds me of attack on titan or something.

I dont know what mortal kombat is but i should check it out since ive been into games recently. oh, and about games. im thinking of streaming my games on yt or twitch! i have a few up already on yt and tiktok but im not consistent to it yet (since like i said early i had a lot going on in my personal life) but ill probably srsly start it by the end of the year. ill check other games too, so i think ill get a good look on mortal kombat!

NIRVANAA omg i remember liking them or a short time in high school. i remember having a nirvana shirt lol and i wore them during school festival. i like their music so much! it resonated to me esp high school years. unfortunately, i dont listen to them that much these days. i actually feel like an old aunty who doesn't know pop culture cos im not /that/ active when it comes to listening to artists. maybe i should start browsing albums and song. i'll start with the ones you like and ill tell you my feedback!

that idea is great! go ahead and write about psychology! you may inspire people or help them through your writing. it always feels nice to know that you're wrtiting for a cause. you should go ahead and try that! ill always support you of course <3

about my life, well, while i was out out of tumblr i started writing a journal but it's not the ordinary journal where you go "dear diary" or smth like that lol it's like a poetic journal where i write my feelings into metaphor so it's sort like a memoir but it's also my journal. that has been helping me a lot through tough times, so thanks to writing AGAIN and as always for giving me a room to breathe. also, i had an interesting interaction with a childhood enemy we had like a situationship going on like a month ago but LMAOOOO MEN ARE MEN IG i chose not to talk to him anymore lmao it's a long story for next time maybe. and something exciting probablyyyy... i had my first job 2 weeks ago! im lucky to land a nice job so currently im quite busy with trainings and all that but im enjoying it so far!

christmas is coming. do you have any plans? i always loved christmas even as a kid so im excited for holiday season. im looking forward to spending time with friends and family (relatives and all that) plus good food! how are you spending christmas? do you celebrate it?

it was nice to hear from you kale! and i really reallyyyy missed you. i enjoyed reading your life update and to know that you're well in every aspect. i hope to hear more from you!! and i sincerely wish you genuine happiness. keep thriving queeen!! YOU GOT THIS!!

I SAW U ON MY NOTIFS OMG ITS BEEN SO LONG HOW ARE YOU??

I don’t know why I just saw this omg!! I’ve been good :) I’ve been working a lot and busy with classes and just everything else life has to offer 😂

Willow is almost 2 years old now!! and she’s gotten so big and she’s been much more well behaved too!!

I’ve been on and off Tumblr and usually just go on to read some stuff on my favorite fandoms which surprisingly there isn’t a lot of the things im looking for!! I’ve really taking a liking to My Hero Academia but specifically 3 characters- Best Jeanist, Edgeshot, and Stain which there is like NO new content on them!! I haven’t finished the anime yet since im more of a manga reader than an anime watcher 😔

but more on Best Jeanist- I have become addicted to his character 😭 I’ve rebranded some of my usernames to him and I have a collection of merchandise of him on my shelf!! It started as a joke but it’s not a joke anymore!! same with Stain and Edgeshot, but most of my money has gone to Best Jeanist. I’m so sad there’s not much content on him, I say I’ll just write my own but that isn’t true- LOL but that’s ok, I can just use my free time to think of silly little scenarios of him in my head!!

Here’s a picture of my current anime collection, it’s slightly outdated but you get the idea:

Not pictured is a couple One Piece things since I’ve really started to like One Piece again and a couple plushies including a plushie of Shinsuke Kita from Haikyuu because he will always be my favorite (and Tsukishima too!! remember when my user was kaleshima!!)

I’ve always been taking a liking to making an OC and just my oc overall!! She’s mainly a MHA oc with a freaky blood/guts/gore manipulation power (it’s kind dark but I think it’s cool) and omg she’s taken up so much of my time and brain space, I feel like I’ve done more in depth creation of her than of myself 😂 I’ve also been buying a lot of art commissions of her!! I’ll attach a few images below, but I like talking about her so much that if I end up coming back here I might do some writing for her since I’d love someone or some place to talk about her :) all credits to the locket artists, I don’t think any of them have Tumblr though-: (the first image is her with Best Jeanist and the last is her with Stain!!)

I also have gotten into JJK but im still new to it, only watching the first couple episodes and reading the leaks 😭 which is a GREAT way to start omg

Also, don’t you love it when old hyper fixations come back??!??! yeah, that’s me right now with Mortal Kombat!! I’ve been a fan for almost 10 years now and the new game is so good!! and the characters omg… they made them so good 😍 thankfully Tumblr has a lot on them!!

but other than some things coming and going there hasn’t been a lot of new stuff in my life but compared to last year my mood and health has been so much better which is a win in my eyes, plus im starting to like a new guy which is good because I got my heart absolutely shattered little over a year ago and I swear I thought I was never going to recover, but recovery is possible and I give myself a lot of credit for the things I’ve done despite life seemingly staying the same.

I hope to move out of my parents house soon and continue my education further and my social life and all that but ik that won’t happen until a few years which seems like forever but seeing how 2023 has gone by so fast, I have a feeling it’s going to come quicker than it seems

I always say I want to come back to writing on this app and honestly I am in need of a new hobby because yeah listening to music is great but it doesn’t get you far!! which by the way, also a hyper fixation, bands and music and all that- I am really big into Nirvana right now and plan on dressing up as the lead singer Kurt Cobain for Halloween- which is funny I am dressing up because for the first time I have no plans for Halloween!! I’ll probably just bake some goodies and watch scary movies. How is Halloween celebrated where you are, if at all? American culture is so funny- and it’s funny because America doesn’t have much culture, it’s just one big melting pot which makes it unique

Speaking of music, my favorite artists are probably Nirvana (which is a band) and so is Radiohead, Weezer, The Smiths, Ghost, and Korn (which are rock/metal bands, I really recommend them if you’re into that!!) but I also really like Melanie Martinez, Lana Del Rey, Mitski, Alex G, and a couple other solo artists (fun fact, I went to many concerts over the summer including Melanie and Weezer- they were so good!!) what kind of music do you listen to? any you recommend?!

Half way typing this too, I thought of the idea of coming back to Tumblr to write not just drabbles on my current hyper fixations but maybe some life advice and psychology stuff, I have a way with words and advice and all that even though I am considered “to young to know all this” but I see it as both good and bad having an old soul at a young age- and not to say I am a little child either, but I haven’t even been on this earth for 20 years yet, soon enough though

That all being said, I feel like a huge chapter of my life is coming to a wrap up soon and I am excited to start the new one!! I’ve been on this app forever even though I technically shouldn’t have had Tumblr as a pre-teen but hey, we all start somewhere!!

How have you been? Anything new and exciting? Or maybe something you’ve learned? I’ve been trying to learn new hobbies and I’ve started to really dig into what I want to do as a career since I have to really decided soon (I am doing community college right now which is a free 2-3 year schooling opportunity to earn credits before you go off and study a minor or major- not sure if you have that where you live and if you do it’s still probably different)

Anyways I want to study business and business management since I have taken a liking to running/leading an organization/group and coming up with marketing ideas for various groups I spend my time in- including theatre!! I have a local theatre group I work in backstage and I am the stage manager this year which is great since I want to going into management

It’s “late” where I am- actually it’s just 9:30 but I go to bed early especially when I have things to do the next day 😔 I’ll probably just use the excuse I am tired to run to Starbucks and spend my money like I always do. I really have become addicted to Starbucks and it’s only going to worsen as “Capitalism Christmas” comes next

Holidays are so silly to me too, I don’t really enjoy them because they’ve always seemed to cheesy and not like they “advertise” but I hope to make the best of it this year, even if it just ends up being me working that day and then coming home to my dog. What Holidays do you enjoy? Any certain traditions or events you’re looking forward to?

I’ve written down most of my thoughts and this has been the most I’ve written in ages!! Maybe I should answer more asks from now on to get myself into the writing kick!! 😂

I hope you’ve been well and I hope we can talk more soon!! I totally just remembered we have each other on discord too!! I changed my user to @bestkaleist (Best Jeanist reference) so if you’re confused as to who that is, it’s me!!

wishing you all the well!! 🥬

#kale.🥬#pea.asks

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claitea · 4 years ago

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just finished dual destinies... it was okay! i liked it! i can see why people have their gripes about it, its definitely not the best game i've ever played, but at least it isn't justice for all

(i ranted in the tags without realizing there was a tag limit so i'll continue in a reblog...)

#clai speaks #yeahhhh there were a lot of things it did horribly #i can see why people said the spotlight kind of gets taken off athena and simon at the end #yes they catch the phantom but it just didnt feel right?? i cant explain???#one thing i can say is it sucks that athena wasnt the one behind the bench proving simon innocent #thats what she studied so hard for! and she doesn't even get to do it?#also simon literally laid down his life for athena but once he's aquitted and is set free. he doesnt say much to her which feels weird?#theres the thank you at the end. but in the very final cutscene he's all alone again outside the space center. not even with the girl he--#--cared enough about to literally put himself on death row for #i saw art once of athena giving simon a hug in the ruined courtroom and honestly thought it was a screenshot redraw for some reason #so i was looking forward to seeing a nice scene like that. but it never came #all the main characters just felt so flat really #where is their charm?? of course i still loved them but they just dont feel like they do in previous games #sure you can chalk up phoenix being more serious to just maturing over the disbarment #but apollo? idk he just. augh i dont know whats up with him but he isn't like his aa4 self and i'm angry #and then klav pearl and trucy?? where was their screentime??? why were they even there?????????#maya????? reduced to a sticky note. utter injustice i will not stand for this #it just didnt feel as polished as the other games. i dont know how to explain this kind of thing but i'm sure others would know #when it was bad it was bad but it still had good parts!#i liked the cases! all very interesting imo! it faltered in the cosmic turnabout though.#not sure what it was about cosmic i just personally didnt like it #maybe i'm just an angry biased apollo fan who doesnt think he deserved that trauma haha #ah the way they handled clay was one thing i forgot to say...#pretty horrible writing-wise to introduce a character that apparently had such deep connections with a PROTAGONIST in that way #they should have built up your bond with clay! have him appear in cases beforehand and then kill him if thats what they wanted!!#back to what i did like about it #i love the introduction of the animated cutscenes!! i always love a good cutscene. of course i do my second favorite game is k/ngdom hearts #voice acting was kind of eh though... especially on poor klavier ew ew ew ew #jdvdigejhe simon did not have the voice i expected for him. i expected gruff deep and low but it wasnt really exactly that

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cozycryptidcorner · 2 years ago

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So what is your major? And what do you want to change to?

Art education. I have always wanted to do something that involves kids because as the oldest of nine that’s just been a natural skill set and I liked art but did not have the confidence to think I was good enough to be a full time artist. But I am actually better at art than I thought, and more serious about committing to the skill set to the point where despite not being an actual ceramics major I’m good enough to compete with them. Which makes me really upset to think about how much better I would have been now if I actually committed.

Plus the USA school system sucks ass and a huge part of the art education schooling is “how to make your art class stem-friendly” “how to convince principals this is a good class that benefits students in stem” “how to create a duo-discipline curriculum with a STEM subject” and “how to convince parents that your grading is fair bc Art just isn’t ‘showing up to class’ it’s actually more than that” and like. Idk. I’ve been fighting to defend my very existence my entire life and having to do that more sounds exhausting. Plus there’s a teacher shortage for a reason. Teachers are just not respected in this country to the point where a good chunk of them are dead because their schools did not take the necessary COVID precautions to ensure their safety.

Honestly I would not mind the teaching bit if I was hired in a studio setting, just not a school one. Public schools are ok, private schools are worse, and charter schools are wild cards.

Plus drafting and publishing a 400 page curriculum you are never going to use after a specific class is like. Insane. I am putting so much work into something no one else but my professor will ever care about.

PLUS IM NOT SURE IF ANY OF YOU NOTICED BUT I HAVE A BIT OF A NO-NONSENSE PERSONALITY. I would never yell or raise my voice in class or make kids feel like they are less than because that never fosters an environment of learning which is always my end goal, no matter the setting.

but if their parents are coming for me and being unreasonable… Girlies I go for throats

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earthstellar · 3 years ago

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OK I’m gonna talk for a long time about a character almost nobody but me is interested in, but I love her so please put up with me for a minute here lol

alright, here we go:

I feel like Road Rage is absolutely among the least-utilised G1 characters ever, which sucks because I love her so much!!!

Here’s a summary of her bio from TF Wiki:

Road Rage is the bodyguard/advisor of Ambassador Crosscut.

She is well-versed in alien cultures and generally cheerful, making her a very good diplomat.

However, a chronic short-out in her vehicle mode causes her to live up to her name; in car mode, she is a snarling, swerving speed machine with little regard—if not utter contempt—for anyone else on the road with her.

Which reminds me a lot of how they handled Grimlock as he’s depicted in Cyberverse, where he’s very polite and highly intelligent in root mode, but in alt-mode he’s out there fucking shit up, lmao.

And of course, she’s visually interesting because out of all the G1 femme bots, Road Rage is a big departure from the “typical” femme bot frame type, with a far more heavy-duty feel to her compared to Chromia, Moonracer, Arcee, etc. -- Her original G1 toy was just a re-deco of Tracks.

I can’t help but wonder how much her aesthetics played a role in her never really getting that much traction in Western/English language media... Sigh.

Although Road Rage does make an appearance in IDW 2!

And she does also appear in TFA as well:

However, in both IDW 2 and TFA, her frame type/model seems to have been adjusted quite a bit, and okay fine, but I feel like the heavy weight and serious look of the original G1 design gets a little lost in the redesigns and she ends up losing a lot of personality as a result, visually speaking.

Don’t get me wrong, I totally get that adjustments for art style / modernisation to match other character models etc. is a thing that needs to happen as part of natural art evolution and so on!

No problem with that; There’s a lot of consideration that goes into any character design process, and of course, it’s Transformers so toy models need to be taken into consideration as well, lol.

But I look at the original G1 Tracks re-deco design of Road Rage, and I think that IDK, making her less brick-like doesn’t really feel quite right to me, personally. (Of course, that’s just my opinion, and the redesigns aren’t inherently bad at all!)

In TFA they also made her a bounty hunter for-justice type character, but personally, I love her original bio. Kick ass diplomatic advisor. That’s so fucking strong!!!!

It just feels so much more unique and interesting to me, although I get that with TFA they were already working with a fairly large cast of characters with lots going on etc. and you gotta do what you gotta do to make things work for the story that you are trying to tell (or the story you are already in the middle of telling, which is often the case, lmao).

I just really like the idea of this very cordial diplomat’s advisor being a fucking HUGE MASSIVE POWERHOUSE LADY and looking threatening as shit, but actually she’s very chill and is there to help!

(Until she almost runs you off the road later but hey that’s not 100% her fault, she feels bad about it, she’ll help you get to the hotel so you can get ready for the speaker’s hall event later. No worries. lmao)

But still, IDK, it would be nice to see some more non-”typical” femme bots on a more regular basis.

I love the hell out of Termagax in IDW 2, Clobber in Cyberverse, etc. and tbh please give me more femme bots who are wide as hell.

Just, give me some absolutely huge femme bots.

(If we ever see Termagax animated in anything, I will lose my shit entirely, please give us more Termagax, I love her.)

I mean, come on, the G1 Road Rage design has that prominent hood torso/chest design that evokes TFA Ratchet’s “beer belly”-- It’s right there!!! Visually, it’s doable!!!

I feel like TFA Road Rage could have still had a fair enough redesign to match the style of the series but retained a larger / heavier set frame???

(Of course, this may not have been done for whatever reasons, but we have so few fat or even just generally big lady bots, and I feel like the G1 design for Road Rage could absolutely be interpreted in subsequent art styles / toy designs as being a wider / heavier frame type???)

We don’t see a lot of huge, heavy femme bots. The ones we do see are typically neutrals or Decepticons. We could use a few more fat lady Autobots, I’m just saying! But also just more large, strong, boxy, fat, etc. femme bots in general.

Again, not dunking on the IDW 2 / TFA designs, both art styles generally kick ass, but I love the G1 design for her so much.

Look at her. She’s so fucking powerful. I feel like the subsequent redesigns don’t really capture that sense of “absolute fucking rectangle of a femme bot”, but of course they also adjusted her character bio a bit for the redesigns too, so IDK.

In TFA, we already have some big bots like Bulkhead and of course, Ratchet’s got a pretty prominent robo-gut. We know it can be done!!

And in IDW 2, we do have a bit more frame type diversity, which is always welcome. <3

It just would have been interesting to see TFA Road Rage’s original hood torso/chest worked into a similar design to Ratchet’s, with a wider set frame, broader limbs, and thicker/bigger door wings to match-- Since her G1 model could already be interpreted as being pretty big, and it might have been a fun little throwback design / nod to the original for those who were already familiar with this character.

I mean, her original frame type was based on Tracks, and look at how they redesigned Tracks for TFA. Not a super big guy or anything lol, but it’s clear they played around with this frame type redesign concept in at least a couple ways.

So IDK!!!! I just love the original G1 Road Rage, and while I’m not dunking on the later redesigns of the character, I feel like it would be really cool to see a big lady bot in an interesting role like diplomatic advisor.

TL;DR: PLEASE GIVE ME THE FAT GOD TIER DIPLOMATIC ADVISOR VERSION OF ROAD RAGE, SHE IS LARGE AND SMART AND I LOVE HER.

#tf road rage #tfa #idw 2 #transformers #long post #maccadam #maccadams #transformers animated #g1 #transformers g1 #tf g1 #idw transformers

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