#idk I don’t wanna try to hold myself to that and then get distressed about it later

[thedappleddragon]

Ah

[madeupoflowers]

Your next glow-up!😗💅🧚🏻‍♀️

LMAO ITS BEEN A WHILE SINCE I’VE POSTED BUT NO FEAR IM HERE NOW.

Excited I got more posts coming as soon as I finish editing them.

Now, pick a Mina Myoi(from left to right) and whichever picture(s) tug at your heart has a message for you! If nothing happens then thats fine as well, this post may not have a message for you yet. Take care and I hope you all enjoy. Sending lots of fairy dust to you lovelies.😗💕💗🧚🏻‍♀️

Pile 1

My instant though when putting down the cards was “counseling or psychiatric”. I feel if you chose this pile you are definitely going to prioritize your mental health more. There are deep wounds here and I’m so happy to see you all seeking the help your hearts need. Healing from toxic illusions and patterns passed onto you and healing your wounded/broken heart. I feel someone here got screwed over by a former institution or mental health worker, someone you spilled your heart out too who completely let you down. You’ll be taking a big and brave step to opening your heart a little bit to seek help again. I see someone breaking their shackles and them falling onto the floor and shattering as if they were made of glass. Don’t mind the slight graphic nature of my next sentence but you will be shedding your skin and becoming a whole new and different person. Trust me when I say it’ll be the best thing to happen because you will find inner peace. You will take more time for yourself and have no guilt for it. You are finally gonna be seeing your worth and God…that makes me so damn proud of you. Cheers to you babe. Wishing you the best of luck!! <3

Channeled messages: silver cup, lysol wipes(idk either dude), Virgo, mint, dark colored eyes, Keanu Reeves, 16

(such a beautiful cover of Coldplay’s, (Yellow)

Pile 2 

OHHHHHH DAMN HONEEEYYY. Ok ok I’ll stop. Y’all have been putting in work for what may feel like such a long damn time already. Well hon let me tell you it was all worth it and now your luck is about to change for the absolute best. I got the Empress and Queen of pentacles/and wands in this reading(bare in mind this is for all genders so don’t let Empress or Queen catch you off guard) so you will be growing into the most true and comfortable side of yourself. It is who you have seemed to have been unsure of for so long and maybe even insecure. I feel some people here have been uncomfortable with their natural feminine/masculine energy and have been trying to reject it but now you will see the value in it. I see this is really gonna surprise many around you as it may literally be you waking up one day and saying “Fuck it, this is who I am.” I see cutting a few people off specifically two people are standing out here. These people have either been up in your physical space and leeching off of you even or taking up space in your mind and causing distress. Either way they have been real douchebags and you are D.O.N.E. You are gonna get rid of those holding you back. You will step into your power and take the reigns and ride off into the fucking sunset. Good for you babes. Shame on those that thought they could take your power from you cause shiiit, they are about to regret it. 

Channeled messages: a significant necklace, silver star stickers, gold, sunflower, snakes slithering around, clouds, oranges, wind chimes

Pile 3

Yup, this is the break up pile. Situationship/lead on/third party/etc. You have been stuck in a situation where you didn’t know which step to take, almost like you find your worth in others especially romantic partners. Now this shit is about to shift. You are taking that power back for yourself and giving no fucks about it. You went from the Page to the Queen of wands. You are tired of these useless battles and waste of time. Giving more and accepting less than you fucking deserve. Ugh I’m feeling angry all of a sudden and like I wanna scream, you have been holding this frustration and burden in for so long. Let it all out honey. You decide if this is how you wanna live your truth. You want someone who puts in 100%? Then accept NOTHING less. You understand me? Know you don’t need to settle for ‘Page’ like personalities(negative Pages: immature, unfaithful, angry, guilt trip, unmotivated.) but King/Queen like personalities whether that be in love or friendships. I see you loving yourself more and taking time for yourself. Loving yourself the way you would want to be truly loved. Babes, you are stepping into such a powerful era I am so excited for you. You aren’t gonna settle for anything less, you are becoming aware of how much of this life if all in your hands. Take your power back. This is your life. Not anyone else's. You better remember that. Good luck hon. I’m rooting for you!

Channeled messages: Joan of Arc, Athena, maple, the Phoenix from Harry Potter, amber eyes, pink silk, Taurus, sound of flowing water, smell of moss, humidity, the Earth after it just rained, 11, waxing crescent moon

(Hehe I love this song. Pink is so snarky and hilarious. Highly recommend a listen!)

Pile 4:

Ahhh yes every reading seems to have this pile lol. Y’all got mostly Court and Major arcana cards. Literally only one Minor Arcana. Wow. If you chose this pile I know damn well you are not letting any of these bitches take your kindness for weakness. You are so kind and giving but I feel on the surface you protect yourself like a Spartan going into battle. It sucks you had to have been abused so much to have to harden and protect yourself like that. It makes me so mad and disgusted. Know your next glow up is learning how to keep balance when it comes to being sensitive but also not a push-over. I feel you guard yourself too much it could accidentally pinch those you love dearly and even yourself. Balance is a challenge for you, I can feel it. That’s gonna be one of the main lessons this time honey, you will learn how to play the cards of your own game and not subconsciously put those in other people’s hands. You of course are a naturally strong and protective soul, you’d fight and maybe even kill for the ones you love. Know that you don’t gotta choose a side of yourself. You don’t gotta repress yourself. In the end all those little pieces of you are what makes you this whole, powerful and amazing human being. This unique soul. Take zero guilt for setting boundaries and laugh until you tear up. I know being vulnerable is such a challenge and won’t be healed over night but I see you opening up gradually and surly. To me that is beyond beautiful. I’m so proud you. I believe you so much. Sending my love to you. Channeled messages: ENTJ, yin & yang, colorful beads, silver wire, yellow daisies, black top, green eyes, Aries, deli, India, ‘the land of the rising sun’, the word ‘Ancient’(instantly thought of a very old soul)

[commonwealthoccurences]

Companions React: Sole’s Betrayed By A Close Friend (Part One)

Request: “Hey, can you do how the crushing companions help sole who got betrayed by a super close friend?”

Note: Tags suck cause I managed to post this to my main blog and scheduled it for 9 AM instead of 12:00 like I usually do? Idk I woke up at 5:30 I barely know what’s happening anymore.

Cait:

“Ya say the word and I’ll fuckin’ kill them, ya hear me? I’ll rip them apart!” Cait was fuming, storming back and forth across the room, her fists balled up.

Sole let out a short, wry laugh, swiping at a tear that had broken free. “Thanks Cait.”

“I’m fuckin’ serious! I’ve learned some shit after all these years, I can make ‘em regret what they did.”

“Just stay?” Sole looked up from their lap, jaw clenched to hold back tears.

Cait froze in the middle of her pacing, posture softened slightly, her fists unclenching. “Of course. I’ll be here as long as ya need me.”

She moved to sit next to Sole, wrapping an arm around their shoulders to encourage them to lean against her. When they did she brushed her hand over their head, allowing it to rest in the crook of their neck to hold them a bit more securely. Sole’s shoulders began to shake. “I can’t believe they’d- I trusted them.” Their voice cracked and so did Cait’s self-restraint. She may have hidden it for the moment to comfort them, but she still wanted blood.

“I know. I’m so sorry they did that to ya. But I swear to ya there’s people you can trust, even if ya think you’ll never be able to again. You taught me that.”

“I can trust you.” Their voice came out so small Cait fought the urge to grip them tighter. It wasn’t a question. It was a statement.

“Of course ya can. And I’ll prove that to ya every day, I swear.”

The room filled with silence for a beat, then, “I still wanna kill them, though,” followed by Sole’s sniffly laugh. Cait hid a smile in the crown of their head.

Curie:

“What can I do to help, clair de lune?”

Curie knelt on the ground in front of where Sole sat, their head buried in their hands, shoulders shaking. Her hand ran up and down their forearm in an attempt to comfort them. They were still reeling from what had happened and Curie had no protocol for this. “Can I- can I have a hug?” They asked quietly, swallowing tears.

“Oh, of course, mon très cher ami.” Curie moved forward. Sole opened up their arms and pulled her close, her face tucked against their shoulder, her arms around their neck as they hid their face in the crook of her neck. She held them tightly, rubbing her hand over their back. “Things will improve, I’m sure.”

“I just never thought they would-” Sole couldn’t finish their sentence, sucking in a deep breath.

“The world is filled with a wide variety of people, Sole. Unfortunately, they weren’t worthy of your trust, but they aren’t the only type of person out there. You have many good friends that would fight, and do fight, to stay by your side. They can see they’re privileged to have you in their lives.”

“Including you?”

“Oh, always.”

Danse:

Though they didn’t say anything was wrong, the way Sole withdrew from everyone around them made it obvious to Danse that something had happened. They were constantly tense, kept to short, brief conversations, and stopped smiling. They still performed efficiently, though they started spending a concerning amount of time on their work, to the point where they barely slept, barely ate.

A week after this started Danse decided he’d try to be the good friend they always were to him. He dropped by the cafeteria and picked up Sole’s hot meal for them along with purified water. He made his way through the Prydwen, weaving his way through the halls to their quarters. Danse knocked softly and waited until he heard a quiet, “Come in.”

When he opened the door he was greeted by them sitting at their desk, their weapon in front of them, disassembled, and several tools and parts scattered around the area. They didn’t look up when he stepped in and shut the door behind him. Instead, they leaned forward, squinting at something they’d discovered. “You need to eat, Soldier.” Danse spoke up. I’m worried about you.

“I’m not hungry, Paladin.” They replied. How can I even think about that right now?

Danse sighed quietly, set the meal down nearby, and pulled a chair they had in the corner of the room over to sit next to them at the desk. They were stubbornly attempting to tighten a screw that refused to budge. Danse watched as their face slowly drew into a scowl before reaching out to grab their hand, stilling it over the deconstructed weapon. Talk to me, please.

Sole finally turned and looked up at him, their scowl fading into conflict and distress. They stared at him for a moment before breaking eye contact and staring down at their lap. “What happened?” He asked, voice low.

They didn’t speak for a moment, seemingly trying to gather words. If they said it out loud, it would be true, and they’d have to face what happened. “Danse have you ever trusted someone so wholeheartedly you didn’t question them for a second and then… they betray you without a second thought? Like they never even considered you a friend in the first place.” I don’t want to be alone.

Danse moved their hand that he had in his away from the gun, gently removed the screwdriver from their grip, and placed it on the desk. He then held their hand in his properly. “I did. And I mourned the trust I had in them, and then I picked myself back up and remembered that I have people I can trust with my life, and that the person who betrayed me isn’t worth any more of my time.” I swear you’ll be okay. 

Sole attempted to look up and give him a small smile, but the moment they made eye contact with him again, their resolve shattered and they began to cry. Danse shifted closer to them and leaned forward to bring them into a tight hug. “They have no idea what they lost and I pity them.” He murmured. “You’re the best thing to happen to them and the entire wasteland.” I’m privileged to have you need me.

Deacon:

“You were right.” Sole slammed the door open and stormed through the room, on a path to breeze past Deacon into a back room.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. What’s wrong?” He swivelled in his chair just in time to catch them by the wrist and stop them from leaving without explanation.

When they turned he saw their face was screwed up in several shades of pain. He lifted his hand to examine their wrist and tilted his head in concern when he saw it was slightly swollen and spattered with blood. “What happened?”

“The blood’s not mine. They got what they deserved.” Sole didn’t look at him, their head turned back towards the rest of the room.

“What did you mean I was right?” He was struggling to understand what had happened to them.

Sole wordlessly reached into their pocket and pulled out a creased, scrap piece of paper. ‘You can’t trust everyone.’ was scrawled across it in Deacon’s messy handwriting. Realization dawned on him. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, me too.” They replied quietly.

Deacon stood, guided their wrist to his back and opened his arms for a hug. They folded into him easily, sinking against his form without hesitation. He knew words wouldn’t really help in this case, so instead, he began running his hands through their hair, unwavering when they began to cry. “We should treat your wrist.” Deacon reminded them softly.

“Yeah.” They replied simply, though their grip on him tightened.

“I’m not going anywhere. Whenever you’re ready.”

Gage:

“What the hell happened to you, Boss?” Gage asked, hovering in the doorway.

He’d stepped into their quarters to see Sole covered in blood, which wasn’t too unusual for him, however they started wiping tears off their face in a panic as soon as he stepped in. They didn’t respond and turned away from him, continuing to wipe at their face. “Nothing, I’m fine. What do you need?” They asked.

“Don’t lie to me.” Gage knew he was coming off harsh, but worry was making his voice rise.

He quickly crossed the room and stepped in front of them, looking them up and down. Their eyes were swollen from crying and there was blood smeared across their cheek, presumably from wiping their tears with bloody hands. Gage sighed. “You’ve gone and made a mess of yourself.” 

Gage reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief and began wiping the blood off their face. Their eyes met his and he could barely stand to maintain eye contact; the desperation and hurt in their gaze was overwhelming, and they were looking at him like he had the answers to questions they hadn’t even asked yet. Once he had cleaned the blood off their cheekbone he moved to examining them for injuries. “I’m okay.” Sole said.

“Obviously you’re not.” His voice was gentler than he usually allowed it to get.

They sniffled and swiped at their nose, and Gage’s handkerchief followed quickly after to remove the traces of blood. He began swiping the blood off their hands and wrists. “Talk to me.”

Sole opened their mouth but no sound came out. Where were they supposed to start? “Do you remember that good friend I’ve told you about?” They asked, their voice hoarse.

Gage paused and lifted his gaze to look at them in alarm. “They tried to fucking kill us. Had a list of our defenses, patrol times, everything. They were gonna give it to a group of raiders from the Commonwealth so they could come in in the middle of the night and get the drop on us.”

“Shit.” His voice nearly echoed from the volume. “Is this…?”

“Yeah, it’s their blood. They-” Sole’s voice caught in their throat. “They won’t be-”

“Fuck. You coulda told me, I would’ve done it for you.”

Sole gave him a watery smile and a short laugh. “Should I be alarmed that I find that sweet?” 

Gage let out a bark of a laugh before pulling them against him, ignoring the blood on their clothing. 

Hancock:

Sole was curled up on Hancock’s couch in Goodneighbor, their legs tucked up in front of them, waiting for him to come back from socializing at the Third Rail. They’d found out after he left and couldn’t find it in them to drag themself to the bar to tell him. So, instead, despite the impenetrable cold that persisted without a fire lit in the room, they remained on the couch. They couldn’t help the tears that trailed lazily, mindlessly, down their cheeks.

They weren’t sure how much time had passed before they heard Farenheits voice outside the door. Surely she would warn Hancock, not just tell him they were there. A short, muffled discussion took place and then the door swung open, letting in light. Sole thanked God the back of the couch faced the door and they didn’t get blasted with light directly in their eyes. “Sole? You in here?” Hancock asked carefully, taking a step forward.

“Here.” They spoke up, though their voice was barely audible.

Footsteps sounded as he walked towards the couch, placing a hand on the back as he rounded to stand by one of the arms. “You okay?”

“No.” Their voice shook.

Hancock took a few more steps to stand in front of the couch and, when his eyes adjusted to the darkness of the room, finally got a good look at their tear-streaked face. He suppressed the alarm that welled up inside him. “What’s wrong, sweetheart?” He sat on the edge of the cushion, reaching over to brush hair away from their face.

Sole drew in an unsteady breath. “People suck.”

He smiled bitterly, understanding someone had hurt them. Hancock quietly turned and began to recline, sprawling out across the couch cushions, giving them enough time to adjust their placement. As soon as he was settled he pulled them against his side and began to run his hand up and down their bicep. Sole edged closer to him, resting their head on his chest and wrapping their arm around his waist. “The wasteland’s not very kind, Sole, but there’s beauty in it. We just have to remember that whenever it’s beating us down. Some people aren’t who they say they are, and there’s always gonna be shitty people, but there’s always gonna be amazing people, too. There’s balance in everything.”

Sole let out a quiet sob and he glared up at the ceiling, cursing whoever had made them feel this way. 

Haylen:

“Do you need anything?” Haylen asked quietly, scanning Sole as they stood staring out their window in the Prydwen.

They shook their head silently, gaze locked on something in the distance as they tried to push the thoughts of what had happened away. Haylen sighed, wishing she could protect them from the way the Commonwealth seemed to knock people down when they needed to be built up the most. “Do you want me to stay?”

Sole nodded and reached up quickly to swipe a tear off their face. The sun was setting on the horizon, lighting up the room in bright oranges and reds, illuminating their silhouette. It was naive of her to expect that the wasteland would make an exception for Sole, even though they were the most deserving of it in her eyes. She crossed the room and sat in a chair across from where they stood and began looking out the window with them.

Their hand was pressed against their mouth, their thumb brushing back and forth against their bottom lip, their breath escaping in harsh, quiet gasps as they tried to constrain their sadness. Haylen examined the sprawling Commonwealth before looking back at Sole. Wordlessly, she reached out and took their hand in hers, pulling her legs up to sit cross-legged on the chair.

They sank down slowly and sat in front of her, still facing the window, leaning the back of their head against her knee. Gently, she combed her fingers through their hair and sighed. “The sun will rise again tomorrow.” She said softly.

[amazingphilza]

DSMP!OC HEADCANNONS

i dunno if ppl on here make dsmp!ocs for themselves outside art but here’s my long list of headcannons?? idk what to call this, but assume all names have c! before it ofc :]

,, this is kinda messy & probably has a lot of plot holes but i just needed a space to write out all my thoughts LOL

also cw / ment of manipulation & ib: dsmp wiki <3

character origin :

previous life was the l’mantree :D

allegedly planted by schlatt, we will never know who’s my canonical parent(s)

reborn as a dryad after niki burns the l’mantree

i think being a dryad would fit especially since they’re typically nymphs of oak trees :]

appearance :

my character’s mc skin has long light brown hair & is seen wearing a flower crown with petals that are around the color of a pale violet and navy blue

clothing would consist of black shoes & a long light grey sweater that falls down to the legs and covers most of the hands which adorned with 2 black stripes on the upper arms

lore / history :

since my past life was the l’mantree, i would’ve known the ins and outs of the history when l’manburg was still standing, up until niki burned the tree

after witnessing everything, i’d hold a grudge on niki (+ allies?) and loyal to wilbur since he’s the whole person that made a meaning of the land of l’manburg

however i’d still be on edge w any side because i could sympathize with everyone to some extent after seeing some sort of distress from everyone at some point

i think seeing both sides of the spectrum when l’manburg/manburg still stood could change my perspective of some other characters

but at the same time, not everything was completely centered in l’manburg so i wouldn’t know the whole story of everyone’s character

i’m currently writing this just after tommy has left the prison & mostly everyone is treating him differently, so i’d try to befriend him by not showing that i dont care about his past & trauma but also not being fully faithful about our friendship ahaha,,,

he seems like the type that needs someone to see through his past history but tommy would definitely disapprove of my character visiting dream at the prison (i would do it anyway :))

vowing my current life to wilbur, i would help dream escape to revive wilbur & follow along with their plans of chaos

i don’t fully support dream but he is the only way to wilbur, making me comply with dream’s decisions

“growing up” in my past life and witnessing endless conflict, it is the only thing i know and understand; chaos

but i think during the process of helping dream & wilbur i’d keep my connection with them secret, being the person to obtain all the inside information they need

i could see myself as a type of equilibrium like ranboo but in a bad way, i don’t know how to explain it

but i would try befriending ranboo since he seems like he is involved in many things and would know a lot, despite his short term memory

unfortunately i’m not sure how much his character actually knows since i haven’t been able to watch his pov that much but i’m sure there’s a lot in his memory book...

to blend in as a normal person within the rest of the characters, i’d surround myself with connor a lot

not only because he needs more lore, connor is one of the “normal” citizens of the smp so i believe being with him doesn’t bring as much attention to myself, unlike people that’s related to the egg and their noticeable features after associating themselves with the egg

he is currently only on bad terms with techno which is rly good when comparing that to other characters and their relationships with other people

connor could probably sense my real intentions eventually & tell everyone else that i’m not who i say i am but if that’s my flaw & my downfall is caused by connor, so be it! sorry dream & wilbur

i feel like for being a young dryad, i’d still fool around with dream/wilbur & help give tommy an small “advantage” to defeating the two ?

like yes i’m supposed to be on your side but where’s the fun if tommy can’t do anything to begin with?

i honestly don’t know if wilbur was revived he’d actually be his vassal but let’s assume that happens, but either way i’m with wilbur on his decisions

but ya dream seems like the type to punish me for helping tommy and send me to the afterlife to learn & become smarter like wilbur had done or smth

in the end, i just want to give tommy bits and pieces that tease him from ending all the wars and problems he has been faced with

like here’s some info about dream and wilbur but it won’t be no where close to enough

but who knows, ghostbur said ‘villains are just heroes that aren’t convinced yet’ & maybe tommy could eventually grow on me & change my ways,,

maybe me fooling around & teasing tommy with answers he’s been searching for is a way to mask that i want to be a good person

ok but imagine after knowing so much about dream/wilbur, the revive book, & the afterlife & then i switch sides,,,

surely if tommy can’t put and end to them, dream would make sure i’m gone for good instead

but also if me & connor are in good terms & he’s canonically a necromancer & can bring ppl back to life,,,,

personality :

to all besides dream & wilbur, i’d try to act passive and friendly on the outside to get on everyone’s good side

however under the mask i am more mischievous & strive to cause more problems for everyone on the server from the inside out

in a way, i’ve taken up some of dream’s manipulative personality but still very understanding

i’d like to think of my character as a good listener,, trying to do less talking than others so i do not open up about my true self and intentions

i’ve seen rumors about schlatt & mexican dream also being revived along with wilbur & i feel like i’d have some soft spot for schlatt & pick up a few things from his own character, not sure what though

schlatt planted l’mantree theory, dad!schlatt au part 2 !! /j

because of my character’s closed off and quiet personality, i feel like i’d be pretty analytical

i would know how to slip between the cracks with some characters & notice the smallest things to make them question themselves

maybe my character is good at holding their composure, and not that susceptible to being “emotional” in a way so it’s easier to face people

like i understand when a situation is sad, etc but i can’t show emotion towards how i feel about it (i don’t know if that makes sense but ya!)

i wanna try to elaborate more,, like imagine my character before tommy visits the prison, i would be unfazed from when i found out he died to the point he’s released and we find out he’s been revived

everything is a constant blur hehe

i just can’t fully process everything i guess? i dunno if that’s helpful but yeah!

in the end though, my moral compass has been very tainted; despite wanting to show my loyalty, it can be slightly easy to sway me, making me internally feel guilty to other people

but me trying to get on everyone’s good side to impress wilbur/dream to seem useful to them would ruin me before i would even realize that i’m another “pawn”

we know damn well dream is faking it till he “makes it” but yk,,

but i’d be stuck in this kind of dilemma of not knowing what thoughts are my own or just something trickled down from wilbur or dream

there’s like maybe something that clicks in my head like “maybe i wanna think for myself for once” or smth

like who am i really?

powers , bonuses , etc :

since dryads can technically manipulate plants in some ways, theoretically i could control the blood vines to some extent ???

i’m pretty sure dryads can communicate with plants so i could understand what the blood vines are saying as well

maybe i could get a good sense of what the egg is all about and stuff

assuming that i understood anything that was happening with the egg in the first place but anyway—

i guess similar to ranboo like how he can’t really be around water without some type of amour or something, it would make sense for me to primarily reside in a type a forest or be near one ?? who knows

seems a bit morbid in a way because of the whole history but if i can somehow easily get rid of the blood vines without it affecting me (if there is still some there) i think it would be kinda pretty to build a tree base in the middle of the l’manburg crator (iskall tease)

like it can show a sign of some rebirth, not the same government repeated once again but a new era in general

you know how you see like destruction years after it the disaster or smth happened and it gets all overgrown with plants and stuff? ya that’s what i’m going for in my head (mumbo jumbo s7 tease)

i know it’s covered in glass already but i dunno, some broken glass and a giant tree emerging from the whole thing and all the rubble seems cool

i’m not a good builder but i have the vision LMAO

omg puffy is like a sheep human hybrid im pretty sure & like there’s a specific type of dryad that are a protector of sheep & other animals?? i’m not exactly sure but that seems like an interesting element to incorporate somehow

also glatt randomly planting a oak sapling in quackity’s lore stream yes pls feed my nonexistent dsmp character lore /j

i honestly dunno how to incorporate the fact dryads can turn shapeshift into trees when trying to escape something but i read something that if a dryad stays in a tree form for too long they’ll forget who they are and stay stuck as a tree?? which like woah that’s cool & some material but at the same time what—

since everyone’s backstory is kinda a mess, mr beast parent tease bc he planted a bunch of trees /hj

i have realized wilbur saying like “the whole reason i built this nation is gone” & blowing up everything or whatever is kinda a plot hole in like ‘why would i follow wilbur if/when he’s revived when he said this?’ but i’d like to think he was the one that made some meaning of the area lmanburg was on, which includes the lmantree

like he was the one that started everything and created that sentiment of that land, and however he views it now is how i would see it now

he gave meaning to my past life and now in my current life, i feel this obligation to repay him for it

not really lore bc i think it was cc!tommy talking to cc!ranboo about his height & age when he first joined but yk it would funny to make my dsmp character than his just to slightly spite him anyway

canonically 6’4 dryad yes . /hj

also i have no idea anything about hannah and her lore but we do be flower buddies :D

also omg like this isn’t at all important but the way ranboo can pick up grass blocks will just have me at awe, i dunno seems in theme with the forest/plant stuff

and i remember reading like there was something about dryads and apples but i can’t remember but i’d give tommy a bunch of apples /hj

apples am i right chat,,,,,

i’ll just have infinite apples in my inventory, like kill me in game, not like losing lives kinda deal but just in general and boom stacks of apples

“bee i get you’re half tree but do you just poop apples out like they’re nothing??” “girls don’t poop” /j

ok but like no matter how many streams i watch i cant grasp where everything is but omg but no if i was new to the server & stuff, canonically & not, i would feel my character to be the curious kind to explore everywhere

like besides a mini tour from some other person in the server, since my character only knows things in the bounds of lmanburg, i’d go off exploring different places like pogtopia, the sewers, showchester, etc

i feel like my character would be really into history, like they would have questions about what happened to lmanburg after the last war? what was life like before wilbur? what was the whole history about the antarctic empire? i dunno but reading a bunch of books from a library seems really interesting

oh but in theory, me and tubbo are loosely related if you wanna count schlatt as my “dad” because he supposedly planted the lmantree ???

i mean could make sense but it seems like a stretch

also if my character ever got close to schlatt, i’m not sure if this is canon, but i swear one time he mentioned how the whole dsmp sever is just a game/server in a game & he’s the only one that knows that ??? but like imagine if i found that out canonically,,,,,

big existential crisis pls

and i’m not 100% sure how dryad shifting works with like going from female to tree form and stuff but if i’m able to morph into different girls on the server & act as them,,,, the about of problems that can cause in the lore omg

lemme frame niki real quick and get inside information /j

oh ya and like hey bee do you support the government then? yes but no. whatever my “fav” person is canonically (assuming this is based in the beginning of this whole hc) whatever wilbur thinks, i think. head empty. but subject to change as the dsmp storyline progresses and stuff :]

ngl i wanna throw in some like random lore that doesn’t make sense to throw people off but i can’t think of anything

not actually really lore related but my choice of stream music like how ranboo has his undertale stuff that makes everyone cry, i will have in love with a ghost

yup i like in love with a ghost sm & i’m pretty sure their music is like not dmca too which yay but yk theoretically never gonna stream on the dsmp but still a fun aspect to think of bc i love listening to music & it’s very impactful to a story & associating something to it makes it more meaningful :D

like i could imagine the chill pop lofi piano stuff fits witha few lore streams of like exploring the whole smp before my character would really go out with being this lost villain in a way?

tubbo’s gangnam style who?

like i feel like i made my character bad/evil so they could have potential to get better in the future

on one hand, i’ll end up w dream and/or wilbur for the rest of my life, which is okay but i could also switch to be with tommy or even disregard all of them and be with techno/phil or quackity & potentially schlatt even who knows

also i cant wait for more connor lore tho, like as much as i tried to make my character give him more content i wanna see how everything goes with him having connections to schlatt & stuff

anyway i would’ve made concept art for my character but i honestly don’t rly like my art currently but who knows LMAO

and lastly if u read all of this ily /p

i might update this later when there’s more lore but ya

[thebestpersonherelovesbucky]

Venting 101

Ignore this I just need to write out frustrations 

I’m...exceptionally sad. and frustrated. I kind of wanna...give up? For lack of better term. Not in a you should be worried that I might hurt myself sort of way. Just in a...can we be done with this shit, please? In a...I really need something to go right sort of way. 

It’s a lot of little things mixed with a few big things, I guess? 

Like, I have a friend. I think they’re still my friend. Sometimes I’m not entirely sure bc one of the only reasons they ever get in touch with me anymore is to ask me for help. Which I’m happy to give but then when I express some distress about similar things it’s always responded with something along the lines of “yeah, but at least it’s not as bad for you as it is for me” and I’m paraphrasing there and I know they don’t mean in viciously but like. It just makes me feel worse. 

I currently have seven tabs open with seven different WIPs but I literally cannot concentrate on one long enough to actually make any progress. Writing has been so hard for, like, two years but whenever I try to express this to someone they basically try to tell me i’m exaggerating or making it up or something. Yes, I’ve finished a few things here and there but writing has always been a source of joy for me, even when it’s difficult, which it always has its ups and downs bc that’s art, but I feel like it’s broken right now and no one believes me. 

My husband has been gone for 5 weeks so I’ve gotten literally zero time to myself. He comes home tomorrow which is good but he’ll probably be leaving again next week. 

The move we’re trying to make to gtfo of where we live is on hold because of that. And yet at the same time I’m so mad that we have to move away. My husband and I work so hard and have been through so much in our years together and the only way out of this toxic environment is to move 6 hours away from our friends and family. I probably sound like a freaking baby, but it’s just not fair when people like my brother in law got to live rent free for years here with his son and baby-mama and then rent free when he got married so they could save up and buy a nice little house in a nice neighborhood with a big backyard and room to grow. It’s stupid and I know I shouldn’t concern myself with shit like that but sometimes it just really gets to me. 

To top it all off I’m still in so much freaking pain. My lower back hurts so much that I can’t stand for more that fifteen minutes at most. Just washing the damn dishes makes me have to crawl to the couch to sit down. People keep on telling me, “well, just try exercising more and little by little it’ll hurt less.” Like...  no, you don’t get it. I go from 0 to 100. There’s no gradually working up to the pain so that I know, okay, i have to start slowing down so it doesn’t get too bad. It’s just BAM! BAD!

Everyone keeps on telling me it’s bc i’m fat. Which, hey that’s awesome to be told. Yes, i’m plus size, without a doubt, but the pains started before i gained this much weight. In fact, that’s one of the reasons why i gained more weight so something there doesn’t add up. 

I actually thought to bring it up to my neurologist who treats my migraines bc she’s also a pain management doctor but it never occurred to me to ask her and she was with me for about 5 minutes and suggested something that literally no one brought up before. That it might be sacroiliac joint dysfunction. Which, okay, cool, that’s something to go on. We’re gonna try steroid injections to help with it. I just had this done on my foot to help with some pain I was feeling there and the pain pretty much vanished overnight. I s2g if this works for my lower back...I’m going to be so fucking pissed. 

I mean, it’ll be great that the pain is gone. Final-fucking-ly. But these past 2 years I’ve been piling on so much guilt thinking this pain is my own doing bc I let myself get so fat and I deserve the pain. I know that’s completely irrational but my brain doesn’t always like to be rational. Fingers crossed that this works bc idk what i’m going to do if this pain doesn’t go away. 

Idk. 

This is all stupid lol. I’m just particularly down tonight. It’s been a weird few days. 

[ohsofoxyclocks]

‪So, I have many thoughts about the finale ending that I haven’t even sorted out my feelings about yet BUT posts on here have helped me see the positives in the ending...Yes I’m still bothered by some of the beach conversation and the TIMING of Steve’s temporary leave and the fact of what we see last on the screen despite knowing Steve will of course return, but I’m going to put that aside to focus on OMG WE JUST GOT AN ALMOST WHOLE EPISODE STRAIGHT FROM A FANFIC THAT I ABSOLUTELY LOVED. I know much of this has been discussed so I apologize if it’s repetitive, but a bunch of my favorite McDanno fanfiction tropes just actually happened in canon and I just...still can’t believe we actually got all of it? So I wanted to make my own list, and feel free to add on or expand or share your thoughts about any of these!! Let’s take stock (warning, this is long!): ‬

‪-Danny calling Steve in distress, Steve immediately leaving his important cipher mystery meeting to get to him. Can already see Steve starting to freak out before the gunshots ring out when he looks out the window and stutters. ‬

‪-Gunshots ringing out OVER THE LINE, and Steve very obviously starting to panic. Drives like a maniac (still confused on how going INTO oncoming traffic was supposed to help but I digress). Steve yelling Danny’s name repeatedly desperate to hear his voice‬

‪-arriving at a burning camaro, screaming Danny’s name (fun tip: play this bit in slow motion!), and STICKING HIS ARM IN A BURNING CAR/catching himself on fire when he thinks Danny could be inside‬

‪-You can hear the creeping desperation/emotion in Steve’s voice as he’s giving orders to HPD (“Detective Danny Williams-MY PARTNER-you know who he is”)‬

-Steve actually mobilizing the whole island to find his Danno. (Again, something I never really expected to see outside of a fanfic). “I want every person on this island with a badge looking for Danny Williams”‬

-Steve’s face when he walks into HQ with Cole and the tears in his eyes when Tani is showing him the kidnapping footage ‬

‪-Just the whole “An enemy of Steve’s uses Danny to get to him”!!!! I always wanted it but never expected it so explicitly ‬

‪-“I HAVE THE PERSON YOU CARE ABOUT MOST IN THE WORLD.” GUYS—IT DOESNT MATTER WHATEVER ELSE HAPPENS BECAUSE THIS IS CANON BABY. We knew it, everybody knows it, but now it’s confirmed. When rewatching the series, remember this<3 also part of me is like, will all the other criminals hear about this and try to do the same when Steve comes back since Steve put up no fight in giving in to Dayui Mei’s demands? Isthiswhyheleftsoquickly‬.

-video footage of Danny strung up and bloodied...fanfic come to life. Steve’s face when he sees this....‬

‪-Steve looking like he’s gonna simultaneously collapse, panic, and murder someone when Dayiu Mei is asking him what he will do‬

‪-Steve not hesitating to give into Mrs. Wo Fat’s demands bc any risk is too risky when Danno is involved‬

‪-The team trying to get Steve to give a flying fart about the cipher when Danny’s life is on the line and Steve still not giving a flying fart. ‬

-Steve finding Danny lying helpless on the floor. His whispered “Danny” when he first sees him (you have to listen close for this because the dramatic background music is super loud at this point).‬

‪-His little stream of soft, comforting reassurances as he’s getting Danno to the car. Danny holding onto him‬

‪-CRADLING BLOODIED, STRUGGLING TO-BREATHE-DANNO TO HIS CHEST IN HIS ARMS. My mom, who doesn’t ship McDanno romantically but loves their friendship, when this happened: “whoa! That’s a little much (gay), don’t you think?” Hehe, no, it’s perfect. ‬

-More tears from Steve as he’s holding Danny on the way to the hospital.‬

-Steve’s comforting reassurances and refusing to let go of Danny on the gurney until he’s absolutely forced to. DANNY REACHING FOR HIM, Steve’s reassuring pat. Steve’s face as he looks down at him fearing how dire this is.‬

‪-Steve’s face as he collapses against the wall when they roll Danny through the double doors, closing his eyes, trying to calm his breathing as he tries to avoid thinking about the unthinkable.‬

-STEVE BARGAINING WITH GOD FOR DANNY’S LIFE. After not seeing him pray before I don’t think? His face...that emotion...omg. He very obviously can’t imagine living in a world without Danny in it, and would rather die than do so. ‬

-Side note: Imo, Steve seemed closed off to the team—physically and emotionally—when he wasn’t sure Danny would make it. Almost as if we got a glimpse of the Steve he’d be without his Danno, if that makes sense. Notice how he’s turned away from them in the waiting room/chapel, how he didn’t even look at them when Danny was wheeled away through the double doors. How he didn’t give an eff about the cipher they were trying to get him to care about. Not that he doesn’t have beautiful Ohana bonds with the other team members because of course he does, but...it’s just different with Danny and I don’t know how he would’ve made it through this one, especially considering his already struggling state at the time. I think we kind of saw a glimpse of that, is my point. They both helped each other grow since first meeting, and it was almost like that part Danny helped bring out in Steve went away with Danny when Steve thought he might lose him. If that makes sense? More on this later? ‪

‪-Steve holding unconscious Danny’s hand❤️❤️❤️ Closing his eyes and letting out a deep breath right after taking his hand (anyone want to gif this moment? ;) )-side camera view of this moment so was hard to see but it’s there. Seeming to look at the machines for reassurances that Danny is alive, healthy. Scanning him over and likely feeling guilty for the marks on his body. Holding his head in his hands by Danny’s bedside.‬

‪-the whole conversation when Danny wakes up! Danny, probably a little doped up, all sweet and reassuring and cuddly and funny. “Why’d you stop holding my hand?” and Steve immediately taking his hand back and rubbing his forearm I think (this was out of the camera angle tho so idk for sure). Steve’s voice tinged with so much emotion when he says “Buddy.” And, Steve being emotionally vulnerable/open again bc his Danno is back!! This whole scene I just fhdisksml. ‬

‪-Steve’s smiling and squeezing and wrapping his arms around Danno like an octopus when he hugs him (I wish we had some additional slightly different camera angles of this hug-as was shown in the promo for example-but I digress again). Danny closing his eyes for a moment, seeming to savor it. Steve getting Danny to look him in the eyes to tell him he loves him. To me, this scene had a very “see you again soon” rather than “goodbye” vibe even though I wish there were parts of the dialogue that were different. ‬

‪-Steve slowing down, looking unsure, and turning back to look at Danny before he leaves. Anyone wanna analyze this? Maybe just a “I know I need to do this so I can come back and be the person I need to be for both of us but fuqqit imma miss you while I’m gone” or “I need to leave so no one can use/hurt him to get to me again right now.” Or just “hey maybe this isn’t the most genius plan.” Idk, but I would LOVE to hear Scott and Alex’s take on this scene. Also they filmed this scene before the show was ended by CBS so who knows how that factored into it. If they thought there would be a possible reunion later?

‪-Telling Eddie to look after Danno, which definitely means Danny will be keeping his house/bed warm til his hubby returns.‬

‪-fleeting thought I have that I might expore later: possible acting choices in the difference in hand holding/smiles between with Danny vs. Catherine?Notthepointofthispostthosoweskipfornow‬

‪-I might post thoughts on other things later but I mainly just wanted to compile this list of straight-out-of-fanfic moments that 100% confirms Danny IS the most important person in Steve’s life and OF COURSE he will return and text/call him everyday til then. Regardless of the end, which is really so open that we can do so many beautiful things with now, most of the episode served as a beautiful culmination of what Steve and Danny have come to mean to each other throughout the last 10 years, and we can rest peaceful and happy in that. ❤️‬ (this is also me still trying to convince myself to be okay with the way things were left on the beach/the conversation, etc)

I would love to hear y’all’s thoughts about any of this!!‬ if you made it this far���I apologize again for the length but lovey boys call for lovey rambles

[lemongogo]

Hi, so I was wondering what u think this chapter is supposed to mean for hawks character? Is this him reluctantly following orders or is he seriously questioning what side he is on? Twice is obviously not gonna change, and I don’t think hawks understands how much his betrayal hurt twice. Twice devotes all of himself to his comrades happiness. He wouldn’t leave them. What was your opinion on hawks offering to help twice and not wanting to fight him? And twice’s reaction to it

(tl;dr at the bottom)

hey ! so i think a lot of hawks’ character is still shrouded in mystery given that we still don’t know much about him as an individual, as much as we are familiar with Hawks, his hero persona. but with that being said, I think this chapter was pretty clear in showing that there’s a part of hawks that realizes the current system is flawed, even if he isn’t currently planning to abandon the hpsc as some of us (such as myself) would like to see in the future

i think before the chapter released, there were two main paths that his story couldve taken.

in one situation, he could’ve incapacitated twice and taken him out of battle immediately. aka, no talking, no trying to explain himself, just wrap up the job he was given to do. this scenario would suggest that there is no capacity for hawks to change or evolve away from the hpsc. this outcome would mean that , for the rest of the story, he would most likely remain heavily tied to this idea that heroics hold a moral superiority over the villains. that sympathy shouldnt be spared for people like twice because they are “bad”. (aka, feed into this binary of good vs bad)

in the other situation, hawks would hesitate or try to reason with twice, and show that there’s some sort of internal conflict that he’s dealing with. this outcome, unlike with the first scenario, would insinuate that hawks’ story will, at some point, deviate from the path the hpsc intends for him to take. that he will, to some degree, question the institution he works in / contributes to. aka: is what he doing the right thing to do (emphasis on morally grey characters / situations unlike the black/white perspective of situation 1)

chapter 264 shows us that second situation: hawks, despite having the upper hand (cornering twice with all of his feathers drawn), does not immediately “finish the job”. he tries to reason with twice by saying that he can “rebuild” his life and start over. “atone for his crimes” and so on so forth. in my opinion, this is a really good step in hawks leaving the cage the hero commission forced him in at such a young age. i mean, as other people have already stated earlier, this isn’t something he will be able to overcome quickly or easily at all. but, it shows that he’s starting to make some decisions for himself. the hero commission does not seem like they would care for the rehabilitation of the criminals. it doesnt seem like they really care for how these people “feel” and would rather smush the rebellion if it meant upholding the current standard of society

the cool thing here is that we see the conflict between hawks and the commission in a very visual manner. scenes where hawks looks menacing are the scenes where he’s speaking with a sense of authority imposed by the hpsc and his status as the #2. this is where we see him talk about the logistics of his mission, and these lines are accompanied by an obscured, shadowed face. emotion is removed from the equation. he is cold and calculating. unforgiving.

compare it to when he starts to give twice a “chance”. we see his face and his emotions clear as day. from this point forward, we’re seeing what keigo wants to say, and what keigo wants to see from twice. his face is revealed when he says “because you are a good person”; he places faith in twice even when the commission couldnt (wont). 

he sees twice’s tears. he sees twice break down and it all ties back to the notion that , in my opinion, hawks WAS connected to jin, even though he might frame it as part of his mission. yes, he got “close” to twice because he had to. and yes he used / manipulated twice. we can’t deny that. but he also tells twice that he recognizes the good in him and, through his internal monologue in the end, we know !! that keigo did care for him to an extent. what twice said to him back at the end, the thing about friends caring about each other and wanting to help hawks out of the “cage” he was “stuck in” resonated with him!! and thats why he offered his help in getting twice “back on his feet”

to me, i feel like he does understand how much this betrayal hurt twice. i think he tries to put on a facade and act like it doesnt affect him bc its his job (as in . he’s not supposed to get attached) but then you see THIS panel at the end 

and its obvious he’s upset and reflecting on the idea that what he’s doing and how he’s using people isnt okay and that, yeah, jin has a point . somewhere along the way, heroics lost sight of what it meant to help people

idk. its a lot to process. maybe im reading this all wrong, but to Me i feel as though this is a sign that hawks isnt as tied to the commission as he originally was. because although he’s still doing his job as he’s supposed to, he’s also grieving? in his own way? recognizing the harm he’s caused twice and understanding that this is just a really shitty situation. like others have mentioned, i don’t think we could’ve expected this big “switch” in hawks right away but this is the perfect step in the right direction imo

to answer your question, i don’t think he’s questioning his position just yet but . he does seem to be emotionally distressed and perhaps critical of himself for what he has to do. @miriio​ describes this better than i can:

“if anything i think i’d be bad writing for hawks to join the league this quickly. we clearly see hawks struggling with his options and he genuinely seems to feel bad about what he’s doing….but what he’s doing is what he’s been trained to believe is right. if hawks really wanted to i’m sure he could’ve killed twice instantly. but he didn’t because he doesn’t want to. he even said he would help twice after because he knows he’s a good person. it’s clear hawks doesn’t wanna do any of this but as far as he’s concerned it’s his only option”

im really bad at explaining how i feel abt this but @miriio and @spinneraki both make ! really good points on what this means for him as a character too if u want to check out those discussions :-)

tl;dr this chapter shows hawks has the capacity to change, given his choice to “talk it out” with twice and his later reflection on how the “bad ones are always us hero scum”. 

[grlfriends]

revolutionary girl utena review

ep 1-5

the plot is actually kinda different from what I thought ?? in my mind the plot was: utena was a girl in a princess school who each and every princess would be "conquered" (for a lack of better words rn) in a ceremonial duel by a prince who fancied them, maybe she didnt wanna wanna marry anyone or she liked Anthy already but anyway in my mind utena showed up in the ceremony with duel clothing and then, in a very brave tm like-scene, she would openly declare she refused to be conquered by anyone and tbh I'm not even sure how Anthy would come into the plot... but back into what actually happened in the episodes everything so far is very introductory and just showing what mechanics will be explored further down the line I think?? the op is really good too

also every boy so far reminds me so much of knights of the zodiac?? maybe it's just the design I guess...) and nanami can get these hands, jealousy is a disease and she's the sickest person on earth for all I know

dont ask me why bit I just feel like room of mirrors - gfriend has a very well fitting vibe for it but I'm not exactly sure why hm.... 🤔🤔

ep 6-12

ok so why does this school just have random animals around 😐 I could understand the horse but a bull and a kangaroo?? what ...

touga just says the most random dramatic things and then just casually says anyone who believes in friendship is a fool ?? the guy wouldnt last a day in the naruto universe tbh, he kinda irks me in some way but I'm not sure why so I'll live with this strange feeling for a while I guess

↳ okay so watching ep 10 made me especially kinda creeped out, I know I've watched only 10 eps so far but like can he fall downstairs and break a neck or something already ...

also haha what if I watched that bet on it fmv and gave myself a bunch of spoilers would that be funny or what 😍 this is why i cant have nice things yall.... hope my memory goes to shit when sleep so I dont remember about it this week while I finish it

I feel like the main thing on the episodes are parallels, one way or another I always feel like they're setting up parallels and giving me clues for a bigger picture and a deeper plot arc that is still to come and the bet on it fmv just made this impression stronger, also I wanna say it's done in a good way, one that is both mysterious (??) and "honey you've got a big storm coming" at the same time 🤔🤔 much to think about honestly

↳ just saw ep 11 and even though I already knew this was coming sooner or later it still felt like crap seeing utena lose to dick head, at the end of the episode when he says anthy was always just reflecting utena's own wishes for himemiya (in another way bc I dont remenber the exact words) it felt like 😐 bc yes I knew that (the way she was working her thoughts was simply a copy and paste of what utena was saying) at all time I kept those essays about anthy in my head, I dont think theyll be truly relatable to what I'm seeing rn but yeah anthy rights (even though I know you betray/cheat on utena down the line bc of the bet on it fmv but I'm sure you had your own motivation)

↳ saw ep 12 bc I just couldnt handle being in a cliffhanger and yeah it happened what I absolutely thought it would lmao not that it was that difficult to foresee but yeah, I kinda liked how utena did it for her instead of being like "oh I wanna save anthy from touga" and treating her like a damsel in distress (I know that's kinda her position as the rose bride for what I've been told so far and that this is a subject spoken about in many many essays on tumblr but yeah) bc so far she's been treated as a trophy and a way to get something else, for the green haired guy it was a way to see something eternal, for miki it was a way to hold on into his "shining thing" and for touga it seems (so far) like a way to manipulate (just like he does with nanami) and just mark his position as above everyone else as he seems to view himself?? man I might be saying random stuff rn but it kinda does makes sense in my mind with the information I've had to this point

ep 13-25

honestly 😐😐 through 9 whole episodes I felt like they were trying to make the side characters deeper and show their hidden face and motivations but it felt so shallow...... not even actually shallow, just not deep enough that it would make me care about these characters and the fact there was no actual build to showing us why we're getting to know these characters backgrounds was just kinda meh too, didnt really help that all episodes had all the same formula and the same timing just for the developers made in those episodes be forgotten at the end and also just that pink haired guy could be like "ah failure again", it felt like watching the same episode over and over again, it was really tiring and like?? girl help I do not care about these characters at all, I feel like it could have been done well (like the keiko ep in comparison to the furuba chapter that deals with the yuki appreciation (??) club president graduating.... the way this ep was done and setup didn't really bring me any emotions) overall not to my taste and tbh I feel like I could have skipped all those episodes except for maybe the miki and juri one so 😑

all nanami focused episodes are the worst so far, she's so boring and I cant stand now annoying she is, the diary episode?? the cow episode?? the episode when tsuwabiki fuels with utena?? honestly I know they're trying to show me a better and different side of her but it just doesnt!! work!! bc i feel no sympathy for her, my biggest wish rn is her and touga just disappearing and no more filler episodes🗣🗣

I thought akio was utena's prince?? but apparently he's just anthy's brother and like.. I'm do done with his little talks with utena and yadda yadda, I just wanna see their duel is that too much to ask I'm dying over here (if this lenga lenga continues until ep 25 i will be so mad bc why were so many episodes wasted on such boring and and not necessary side characters backstories?? idc about them at all man aaaaaaaaaa)

↳ ep 25 was good finally we got what we deserve boys 😭😭😭😭😭 can utena just beat up akio already I'm tired of his ass, he exhales both "I'm a feminist I even take women studies classes #herstory" and "if she breathes she's a thot" energy also he has 0 style that mullet is simply horrible I bet there's a hairstylist community who considers him a criminal bc like 😐 it is simply so bad (q bit less when it's tied up but when it's all lose jesus Christ)

also touga thinks he's suuuuch a genius, sooo smart like king, I do not care about you at all can you shut the fuck up please and can we tall about the pink haired guy episode?? wack. honestly thought it would be more emotional or something, I binge watched 12 episodes with his ugly haircut face and did not even feel a thing he can choke I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ANTHY TAKING A SWORD OUT OF UTENA'S CHEST??? OSCAR WORTHY KINGS❗❗❗and then her lame ass brother being like "oh ho ho idk idk" shut up no one cares no one cares I swear to you no one cares shut uuuuup

ep 25-39

first of all, ep 25 was good but kinda reminded me of the nine episodes (13 until 21) where absolutely nothing interesting happened so I hope I'm wrong also can I just say just seeing the preview of the next episode made me roll my eyes so bad I almsot saw my brain?? bc yeah I'm fucking tired of nanami fosuced episodes she's so annoying oh my god nobody cares about a goddamn egg and much less one coming from her let her die or something pls she's so annoying there's nothing I've learned about her that was not against my own will I'm basically rotting over here 🤒

↳ ep 30 has me thinking Akio has a foot fetish or something 😐 bruh leave utena aloooooone I already know your plans and schemes you're not fooling anyone that's embarrassing for u and also... utena you're not very bright are you.... you start seeing every duelist you face with the same exact car and then when you see akio has the same car you didnt even stop to think about it that 1+1 equals 2 ... girl help yourself 😐

↳ yet again another nanami focused ep 😐😐😐😐😐 even though I do understand her better now I still don't find her particularly enjoyable to watch, call me a woman hater but like. idk she's still a bit annoying to me (but touga is straight up evil and is manipulating her so I feel bad for feeling like that tho.....)

↳ ok last 2 eps to go but listen. I thought the akio duel would have happened much sooner, maybe on ep 33 max but well didn't this age well lmao ngl, it did seem a bit too slow paced for my personal taste but also I feel like there's a certain level of drama that comes with slowing the pace down....

↳ aaaaaa yall I'm kinda 😢😭 over the ending omg........... even though it took the best of me to keep going in some parts I still enjoyed the ending aaaaa I thought i wouldnt really like it bc I just usually dont enjoy this type of ending but stil 😢😢😢😢 wait for me utena 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 girl I cried and then anthy walking in the end god utena and anthy holding hands 😭😭😭😭 akio can suck my dick

there's obviously many things I've missed or that I kinda didnt really pay attendance to so please dont take this serious, I was just writing as I watched the episodes so it's more like a thought compilation than anything, still I can see why there's many essays written about it and why it is held as a masterpiece by so many people

[lawrencegarte]

here’s my review of all the items in the walking dead definitive edition box! minus the statue because i am poor and could not justify buying it to myself. i wish tho. i wish i had that statue.

but yeah here are the non-statue items and my reviews of each! :)

first up is the ericson’s shirt! i got an xl and it fits me quite well, and i do like the material the shirt is made of. i feel like the grey is an odd choice though since we never saw that colour in game, and i also feel like the distressing just makes it look like i’ve put the shirt through the wash too many times. overall i wish it looked different but i do still plan on wearing it out, so it’s definitely not a complete wash!

7/10

Disgo Brogle..... i love this little dude. he’s so funny. whoever came up with disco broccoli deserved a raise instead of being fired without severance pay. the only thing that i don’t like about this guy is the frayed edging on his lapel! it bugs me a lot, specifically i think because the whole point of these products being delayed was quality assurance, and this quality was NOT assured! it’s an easy enough fix but he’s still gotta get some points deducted

8.5/10

kenny’s hat! tbh it looks a lot better than i thought it would. i can’t say too much about it because i barely got a chance to try it on before my sister seized it but she seems to like it a lot lmaooo

9/10

god i love the tiny clementine. i don’t think this picture fully captures how tiny the fourth and babiest clem really is. she’s so small. i’ve always thought this was such a weird product, and i still do! but it is nice to see her growing up through use of an interesting visual medium, and i didn’t take pic but the back of each doll has the logo from the game she’s from which i think is a nice touch. i’m a little nervous opening it tho because the outermost piece feels a little tight and i’m scared of splintering the wood, but it’s still a nice collector’s piece!

7.5/10

the last piece that was originally slated to ship is these pins! i really love the clementine, i think she’s just so cute and i like that they decided to put her in her sweater and have her hair cut short. her drawstrings are also a super cute detail! love her....

lee looks... funky. i can’t put my finger on what’s wrong exactly but i think he looks a little off. it might be those nose lines? like he’s not exactly bad, per se, but he isn’t great

clem gets a 9.5, lee gets a 7

and now we’re onto those extra goodies we were promised for the shipment delays

first is... this. whatever this is. like, it’s an enamel pin, but i think this emblem might be something from the original walking dead comics...? searching this pin brought me to a product not found screen on the skybound store so i guess it’s out of production. idk, i wanna be appreciative but i kind of wish they hadn’t included this cuz it’s just gonna take up extra space in my incredibly cluttered house lmaooo

1/10

and last but not least, it’s rosie! i do like rosie and i think this pin is very cute. i kind of wish it was a character from another season instead tho, like maybe s2 kenny, or javier. this box is very s4-centric overall, and it does make some sense seeing as this was the only season skybound actually worked on, and typically the latest season (or book or movie or album) is what a company is going to focus on merchandising, but i feel like with a “definitive edition” boxset there should be more from each season. and s3 is very glossed over both in s4 itself and this box! which i get cuz it wasn’t great, but i feel like it should still be honoured. most people i know who play twdg do like javi, at least.

but anyway rosie! she’s good!

6/10

i think for the box as a whole, i rate it a 7/10, and i think that definitely has to do with the fact that it was delayed by like... 5 months? so i had a lot of time to hype myself up and that’s never, ever a smart or good thing to do and is just begging for disappointment. but that doesn’t mean i don’t still love this box! i definitely don’t regret buying it because i am such a huge fan of the series and am just so in love with how much the team behind this box cares about their fans. it’s clear that this wasn’t cheaply put together, as evidenced by the quality control delay, and i do really appreciate the love and effort put into these items, even if i do have critiques. i’m really happy i finally received this and get to hold disco broccoli at night <3

[theporgsyourelookingfor]

Get to know me(me)

So I am bored. I found this post with questions but since i probably won’t get too many asks and i do think some of these are a bit silly i decided to answer ALL OF THEM in my charming yet honest way. for your (and my) entertainment.

I kinda wanna tag people but i don’t know if anyone wants to do this (let alone read all this) BUT if you are as bored as me CONSIDER YOURSELF TAGGED BY ME!

HERE WE GO

1: Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?

CLOSED. not that i actually have many closets here... I only have one walk in closet named Narnia and I am pretty sure a Ghost lives in ther. But a friendly one. It talks with my cats and stalks me while I’m in the shower (I know this because sometimes the air suddenly gets really cold. I just go “oh hi” and move on)

2: Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?

i haven’t done this but that might be because i forget this is a thing. and the bottles in finnish hotels are big? and attached to the wall? idk i don’t do hotels that often

3: Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?

in? what does this even mean?

4: Have you ever stolen a street sign before?

I WISH

5: Do you like to use post-it notes?

yes. I use them as bookmarks.

6: Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?

nah

7: Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?

a bear. i’d hug it. soft death

8: Do you have freckles?

no?

9: Do you always smile for pictures?

yeah, even if i don’t feel like it

10: What is your biggest pet peeve?

people walking slow in front of me when i’m Busy and Pissed Off. also people who don’t realize how ignorant they are about some things

11: Do you ever count your steps when you walk?

no, i get bored

12: Have you ever peed in the woods?

Yes.

13: What about poop in the woods?

what about it?

14: Do you ever dance even if theres no music playing?

Yeah. I also jump around and run everywhere in my tiny apartment.somehow i always end up running into my bookshelves

15: Do you chew your pens and pencils?

YES. ALWAYS. SERIOUSLY. I WON’T EVEN NOTICE. PITY THOSE POOR UNFORTUNATE SOULS WHO LEND ME PENS.

16: How many people have you slept with this week?

Keep reading for more random questions, stories, music and pictures of cats.

17: What size is your bed?

big enough for me and two cats

18: What is your Song of the week?

19: Is it okay for guys to wear pink?

oh my supremelord what is this radical thinking?!?!

(yes. someday this won’t even be a question.)

DID YOU KNOW PINK USED TO BE BOYS’ COLOR?

20: Do you still watch cartoons?

hell yeah (if i only had the time)

21: Whats your least favorite movie?

can’t think of one right now #positivity

22: Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?

how bing of a treasure are we talking about?

23: If you're a girl, bra size? If you're a guy, pants size?

IF YOU’RE NON-BINARY, WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HAIR? why thank you for asking, it’s blue with a hint of purple and green.

(i’m not saying all enby peeps do or should have Extra Colored hair, this just happens apply to me and this question annoyed me.)

24: What do you dip a chicken nugget in?

stuff.

25: What is your favorite food?

chocolate. yes, it’s a food.

26: What movies could you watch over and over and still love?

The Last Jedi and other Star Wars. Most Disney Classics. Anastasia. Phantom of the opera. Lord of the rings. Peter pan (the 2003 one). And many many more but i don’t remember them rn.

27: Last person you kissed/kissed you?

I’ll tell you when that happens

28: Were you ever a boy/girl scout?

no. i wanted to but my mom said i couldn’t handle camping in the woods

29: Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?

sure if i’d get good money out of it

30: When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?

Christmas cards! and i used to write letters to my old friend but then she started dating and forgot about me. I heard she and Boyfriend have a dog now.

31: Can you change the oil on a car?

don’t have a car, don’t really care.

I do have a motorbike but I know people who do better job with that so i let them handle it

32: Ever gotten a speeding ticket?

not yet

33: Ever ran out of gas?

oh yes. and last summer I had a creepy old man coming to help me assuming i was a girl and didn’t know what the hell was going on

he: ”oh but you have to do THIS!”

me: “yeah, i’ve tried that too.”

he: “no but like THIS THEN!”

me: “i told you this bike doesn’t work that way.”

he: “oh but i have to help a sweet damsel in distress!”

like dude I am literally wearing a binder and men’s jacket can you please stop

and after that he asked me to go riding with him but then all of a sudden he was like

“oh but will you have a scary man in a leather jacket back home who wouldn’t like you going out with me?”

and i was like “...actually, yes.”

like yeah sure let’s pretend i’m a straight little helpless girl with a super jealous boyfriend so you will leave me alone.

(my imaginary boyfriend is called Robert, he moved here 3 years ago from the north where we met and he just got out of jail for helping his brother try to commit murder.)

34: Favorite kind of sandwich?

35: Best thing to eat for breakfast?

eggs. just because that’s all i can do.

36: What is your usual bedtime?

37:Are you lazy?

i tell myself i am but i’m not really sure... i do a fuckton of studying and writing

38: When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?

when i was a kid we didn’t have halloween here. now we do tho. and i do remember dressing up as a ghost to some school party

39: What is your Chinese astrological sign?

Pig?

40: Are you horny?

no, but i have beautiful antlers.

41: Do you have any magazine subscriptions?

no, but this got me wishing for one

42: Which are better legos or lincoln logs?

43: Are you stubborn?

maybe

44: Who is better...Leno or Letterman?

should i know who these people are?

no, i will not google, moving on

45: Ever watch soap operas?

sometimes.

46: Are you afraid of heights?

if we go high enough

47: Do you sing in the car?

with the right people and right music

48: Do you sing in the shower?

no. my Ghost roommate wouldn't like it.

49: Do you dance in the car?

yeah.

50: Ever used a gun?

no

51: Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?

in high school?

52: Do you think musicals are cheesy?

sometimes, but that’s the point

53: Is Christmas stressful?

yes, but i’ve lived on my own for a while now and have carefully avoided all the christmas stress and shit.

54: Ever eat a pierogi?

a what now?

oh

no but now i am extremely hungry.

55: Favorite type of fruit pie?

blueberry. i don’t care if that’s not a fruit it’s the only pie i do.

56: Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

i wanted to be a marine biologist because my last name means “seaweed-y” or “algae-y” and i would have literally been Marine Biologist Dr. Seaweed.

that would still be VERY cool

57: Do you believe in ghosts?

if you have read this far you can probably guess the answer

58: Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

have i had this question before?

59: Take a vitamin daily?

yeah. my dad wants me to

60: Wear slippers?

if i had ones

61: Wear a bath robe?

IF I HAD ONE

I WOULD NEVER TAKE IT OFF

62: What do you wear to bed?

i got two star wars pajamas and i regret nothing

63: First concert?

these guys. they are a legend. i was like 3. best time of my life

64: Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?

65: Nike or Adidas?

do i look like i got money for this shit?

66: Cheetos Or Fritos?

nope

67: Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?

both?

68: Ever hear of the group Tres Bien?

no.

69: Ever take dance lessons?

i have. my mom took me to ballet when i was like 2 and i stayed there until i was 12 because my grandma would get me a cinnamon roll after every lesson.

70: Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?

do i picture a future spouse?

71: Can you curl your tongue?

I CAN. IN MANY WAYS.

72: Ever won a spelling bee?

we don’t have those. or at least i haven’t heard of any

73: Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

yes. last night i had a dream i had a baby and i cried like one.

74: Own any record albums?

yeah

75: Own a record player?

yeah

76: Regularly burn incense?

no

77: Ever been in love?

on some days I’m in love with myself.

78: Who would you like to see in concert?

Let me introduce you to our lord and savior Antti Tuiksu:

(this music video is the light of my life)

79:What was the last concert you saw?

don’t remember. i don’t have the money for this kind of luxury

80: Hot tea or cold tea?

(get it, HOTh? ahahahahah.)

81: Tea or coffee?

Hot Chocolate

82: Sugar or snickerdoodles?

83: Can you swim well?

yes.

84: Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?

yes.

85: Are you patient?

last year i waited for 8 hours in this jewerly shop to get a free tattoo (it was a campaign thing, the brand turned 80 years. the same people who made Leia’s necklace in A New Hope!) and JUST WHEN IT WAS MY TURN THEY RAN OUT OF INK AND NEEDLES so no tattoo for me but it was a weird and funny day.

86: DJ or band, at a wedding?

Porgs shall sing in rey and ben’s wedding.

87: Ever won a contest?

i am sure i have but i do not remember it.

88: Ever have plastic surgery?

i have not

89: Which are better black or green olives?

no olives

90: Can you knit or crochet?

I CAN KNIT!!!

91: Best room for a fireplace?

bathroom

92: Do you want to get married?

i mean yeah if i find the right person for it but i’m not getting my hopes up, it’s not that important for me

93: If married, how long have you been married?

if

94: Who was your HS crush?

Troy Bolton

95: Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?

i don’t need to

96: Do you have kids?

yes, two:

97: Do you want kids?

yes. and you will hear about it.

98: Whats your favorite color?

Black and

99. Do you miss anyone right now

@morsoullakko

AND WE’RE DONE!!! DID SOMEONE ACTUALLY READ ALL THIS??? HI, I LOVE YOU AND I HOPE I DIDN’T WASTE YOUR TIME!

my boredom is cured.

[5hfanfiction]

our broken white rose ⇾ camren

a/n: hi guys…!!! i suck, I fuckin know. i haven’t updated since august and truly honestly, i have no excuse other than life happened and shit hit the fan. i kinda wanna explain so y'all know even tho most of you probably don’t give a fuck honestly. ok sooo for starters as some of you may know or knew but forgot, i have a fiancée and we were trying to get pregnant and have a kid awhile ago and she did successfully get pregnant and well… things have been hectic. looks like we’re expecting double the trouble. twin girls lol. um, idk it took me awhile to wrap my head around it. i kinda envisioned parenthood at one at a time even tho the possibility of multiple is there, i never thought it’d go down in my life. but i guess this is god’s plan for me and i’m gonna love those two girls with all my heart.

college has truly been kicking my ass, on top of my moody, grumpy and randomly sad as fuck fiancée, but i’m getting by. currently on winter break so i decided i’d finally sit down and update. my fiancée went out to south jersey to visit her parents and i’m here in north jersey with the house finally to myself. maybe i can make a mess without getting yelled at by her now fhdjdjdkd lol. anyways, that’s basically the gist of what’s been going on. college wants me dead, my fiancée is carry two fetuses inside her and her due date is approaching dangerously fast. lmao. don’t you live life? smh.

anyways, the last thing i wanna share with y'all before i start the story is, I HAVE A NEW BOOK THAT IM ACTUALLY GONNA BE COMMITTED TO COMING OUT RIGHT ATTER I PUBLISH THIS CHAPTER! its called ‘one night stand’ and yesss, it has smut. so please go check it out after this. i have some really cool ideas for it but i need feedback on whether i should waste my time continuing or not. for my tumblr readers, its most likely up on my wattpad as you read this so go follow it @ wthbello and add the book to your library. please comment and vote. with that being said, i hope you enjoy the story. make sure to read end of the chapter questions and answer them. thanks so much, enjoy my usual angst filed, depressing ass stories!

***

“She what?” Both Camila and Lauren shouted in unison as they slowly but frantically followed after Lucy.

Lucy walked at a jagged pace desperately attempting to reach her rental as she explained. “She was granted parol and was released today. Janelle asked me to come see her today, you know, figure out a way to get her out. She was going on and on about how Lola had a plan to go and get your kids. Dustin, Lana and Luna. So I tracked you down to warn you,” she explained in a rushed tone as they finally reached her rented Mazda.

Camila eyes Lucy in suspicious, still anxious being around her after everything. “How did you even get out?” She asked before her eyes enlarged as realization struck. She looked at Lauren in panic. “T-The kids. They’re with Normani, she just took Dustin not too long ago,” Camila had completely forgotten all about Ariana. I’ll text her later, she thought distractedly as her two daughters and infant son came to mind.

Lucy stopped at the vehicle taking a deep breath. She looked them dead in the eye as she pulled the drivers side handle open. “I’ve been out for two months Camila,” the last thing on her mind was explaining her reasoning. She didn’t want to talk about. She didn’t feel she needed to talk about it. She just wanted to forget. Lucy climbed in the all black car, leaving her door open as she peered up at the two mother’s before her. “As for Normani, Tori’s got it,” Lucy smirked. “Now get the fuck in the car.”

Lauren spoke up for the first time in awhile, “What the hell is going on Lucia?” Her hands shook as she gazed down at the woman. So much built up anger and hatred yet confusion and hurt bubbled within her as she stared the woman down.

Lucy’s smirk soon fell as regret and sorrow filled her eyes. “I was terrible… to both of you. I fucked up so much in the last and this is my chance to fix it. Please. Trust me.”

Maybe a couple years ago, Lauren would jump at the thought of trusting Lucy. How couldn’t she? She’d never lie to her, correct? Wrong. For years, she was lied to and fooled to believe the love of her life, the mother of her children, was gone. And Lucy was an accomplice. She didn’t think she could ever trust the woman again. But something about the look in Lucy’s eyes seemed to draw her in. She wasn’t sure how she was feeling, but right now she knew her safety, Camila’s safety and hers were in severe danger with that crazy bat out.

Camila and Lauren both looked at each other before sharing a small, risky mutual agreement. Lauren rounded the vehicle and got in the passenger seat as Camila went into the back, sitting in the middle so she could peer at the two women in front of her.

“Where to?” Camila asked.

Lucy turned to look at the woman in the backseat, a small smirk playing on her lips. “Yakutat Alaska.”

***

“It feels so gross being back her,” Camila mumbled, hugging her arms loosely around herself as Lauren draped her own arm over her shoulder. She still didn’t know how she felt about her relationship with Lauren. The sudden proposal still replayed in her head but she didn’t have time to think about that right now. Her mind wondered as she thought about the safety of her kids and the weariness of Lola being out of prison… again. Her life just seemed to be a never ending pile of destruction and she just wanted to run away… like Lauren said. Her eyebrows furrowed as she turned to look at the woman next to her. She went to open her mouth and question her before shaking her head and deciding to keep it shut until later on.

“Tell me about it,” Lucy mumbled as she locked the doors of the rental car.

Lauren huffed softly, her grip on Camila tightening. “So are you gonna explain why we’re here?”

Lucy nodded distractedly as she smacked her lips and nodded off towards her right as they began walking towards a group of buildings. “Janelle told me that Lola was granted parole in Yakutat because this initially is where the crime took place which I think is complete bullshit because the original crime was when she falsified your murder in Florida. Yakutat is a small town, but so easy to escape. Lola can redo everything she’s ever planned. She can hire or even threaten her way around here and start up her ridiculous revenge plot. We need to end it before it starts.”

The brown eyed woman furrowed her eyebrows in confusion as she released herself from Lauren’s hold and quickened her pace to walk beside Lucy as she began questioning. “End it how?” She asked in bewilderment. “Its Lola. She’ll just kill me for good now. You brought me all the way here just so she could do that, right? You’ve been working with her all along. You know I’m a moth-”

Lucy stopped abruptly, reaching out to grab Camila’s wrist in a forceful hold. The woman went to scream before her eyes landed on Lucy’s soft ones. Lucy slowly released Camila, running a distressed hand through her hair before turning to look at Lauren. “I’ve fucked up in the past. So much. I lost the love of my life, I watched as she hurt over someone who was still here, I watched as she raised two amazing independent girls on her own all while trying to manage her own internal heartbreak,” Lucy paused, staring deeply into Lauren’s pale green eyes. “I’ll do anything to amend my wrongs. I’m never going back to the way I use to be. I don’t want to, and I won’t allow myself to. I’m stronger, I’m better and my head is finally going down the right path,” she sighed shakily before turning back to Camila. “The last thing I want is to see get hurt again. I watched on the sidelines for too many goddamn years. I’m gonna make it right this time. Even if it means putting myself away for life.”

Lauren’s eyes widened in horror at the woman’s last sentence. “Lucy, what are you talking about?”

Hot tears stung the corner of Lucy’s eyes as she chewed on her bottom lip. “I’m gonna kill her. I have to,” with that she continued straight forward towards the group of buildings collectively lined up beside each other.

Camila and Lauren shared a regretful stare before quickly following chasing after Lucy.

“You can’t do that,”

“Come on be rational Lucy,”

“We can just go to the cops again,”

“Yeah, we can do that. You can’t ruin your life like tha-”

Suddenly whirling around, fire burned within Lucy’s brown eyes. “Go to the cops? And tell that what? That my crazy step sister is trying to kill the Camila Cabello? Huh? Do you know what’d happen to me?”

Camila stopped, breathing heavily. “Why do you care so much? Huh? Its my life Lucy. Please. Let me handle it.”

Chuckling bitterly to herself, Lucy shook her head. “It may be your life, but you know nothing about mine,” she stared off into the distance before shaking her head once again. “When Lola sends a group of correction officers to gang rape you every fucking day in jail, not being able to fight back because you’ll just be thrown into solitary, then speak to me. Everything isn’t about you.”

“Lu-”

“I’m gonna kill her, with or without you guys here,” Lucy stared them down before turning on her heel and walking away, both Camila and Lauren’s feet basically being glued to the ground as they watched in silent horror.

Camila turned to look at the mother of her children before whispering softly, “What do we do?”

***

a/n: short ass chapter, just a filler for the shit about to go dddoooowwwnnnnn. omg, i know y'all hate me and that i’ve been gone for over five months and i’m sorry. life just happened and idk what else to say really. i’m back now and hopefully i stick around because i truly have missed writing so fuckin much. like a huge ass relief has washed over me because i absolutely love what i do and writing for people.

now welcome back to my world full of angst and drama (; i promise the camren fluff is coming soon. y'all have waited two books for it and it’s gonna be here in a few short chapters.

now, i have a brrraaannnndddd new book out called “one night stand” and its camren ofc. this book was really a spur of the moment type of thing but i already love what i have in store for it so far and i truly think i’m gonna be committed as fuck with this book. yes, it has smut. a lot of it actually. so please go check it out on my page, add it to your library.

of course, amazing cover creds to SLOTHTATO literally their work is fucking phenomenal. best cover maker on all of wattpad, idc, fight me. like look at this (obviously my tumblr readers can’t see it so go add the book in your library on my wattpad @ wthbello because it’s a sexy ass cover).

anyways, yeah, please go check that out. i’ve worked really hard on it and i really like where it’s going. it has angst, but definitely a lot less angst than this story right here. the angst in this is actually way more relatable to real life problems and stuff like that so once again, please go check it out after this.

don’t forget to vote, comment and answer end of the chapter questions below. if you’re a tumblr reading, come follow me on wattpad @ wthbello and add my new camren story 'one night stand’ to your library and read it and vote and comment and all that amazing stuff. thank you so much for reading and i hope you enjoyed.

i’m a sucker for feedback and it’ll help me navigate where to go in the aspects of what my readers will enjoy (if y'all are still here since i’ve been so goddamn MIA lmao) so please answer at least a couple end of the chapter questions to the best of your abilities. again, if you’re from tumblr, head over to my wattpad so you can do that.

what do you think about this chapter?

what do you think will happen next?

how do you feel about lola being out?

how do you feel about lucy being out?

do you think lucy’s bluffing and she’s really working with lola?

where do you think tori and her mom are?

what do you think is/will happen with lauren and camila’s children?

what do you wanna see moving forth?

what are you least worried about?

what are you most worried about?

last but not least, how do you feel about camila’s new music and 5h’s album, lauren’s single, dinah’s feature, and 5h’s collab with pitbull? y'all knew i had to ask this since i haven’t been here since the day before the girls released their album lol.

anyways, thanks so much for reading. i appreciate so much if you’re still for some reason stick around, you have no possible idea how much it means to me and i’m forever grateful for you

[eversall]

jimon + jace taking a simon 101 class??? idk what this is

i know what it is its an adorable prompt

to: parabrotai, izzybelle, clearlyfray, supermaia

[jace] i can’t believe i’m stooping to this, but how can i win simon over? 

.

i. [izzybelle]: simon likes those lame pick up lines, and puns, and bad jokes.

“Simon.” Jace calls out as he slips out of the Hunter’s Moon. “Wait up.” 

“Well this is a surprise.” Simon says cheerfully, his hands in his pocket. “What brings you to my side of the docks?”

Jace snorts. 

“Alcohol.” He jerks his head at the bar. “What, you heading back to the boathouse?” 

“I have a 9 AM class tomorrow, yeah.” Simon says. Right. Simon’s going to NYU now, trying to get a normal life back. Jace isn’t sure how he manages to go to class in the morning and then sneak into their missions at night. How is he sleeping?

“I’ll walk you back.” Jace says, shoving his hands in his pockets. 

“I’m not a damsel in distress.” Simon scowls at him. 

“But what if I am?” Jace asks, smiling winningly and strolling alongside Simon. This is easy for him. Flirting is a game he knows. Too bad it never works on Simon. 

Case in point - 

“I get it, you’re the big bad Shadowhunter and I need to stop interrupting your missions.” Simon’s frown deepens. “I said I was sorry.” Jace blinks at him and sighs. 

“That’s not what I meant at all. It was a joke.” He supplies, helpfully. 

“That’s not a joke. Here’s a joke.” Simon says, snapping his fingers, his eyes brightening. “What’s the ocean stressed out about?” 

“Global warming.” Jace says immediately. “Melting ice caps. The polar bears - “

“Current events.” Simon snickers, and Jace tries hard not to let that get to him, but he can’t help the tiny snort and his lips twitching upwards. “See!” Simon crows, pushing excitedly at Jace’s shoulders. “You do think I’m funny.”

“I think,” Jace says, arching an eyebrow, “that you’re not taking global warming seriously enough, Simon.”

“Not taking - you’re a real piece of work, Jace.” Simon says, sighing, but he’s smiling too. Jace grins again and waggles his eyebrows. 

“A piece that everyone wants.” He tries again, and this time Simon blushes and shoves him. He misjudges his own strength and sends Jace careening into the lamp post. “Jace - shit!” He’s immediately in front of Jace, fussing over him for injuries. Which - ridiculous. Jace is a Shadowhunter. He fights off demons, and Simon’s still afraid of his own strength in comparison. 

“Hey, chill, I’m fine.” Jace says, straightening up and laughing. “It’s just so easy to fall for you, Simon.” He winks, for added effect.

Simon storms off. 

Well. Back to the drawing board, then. 

.

ii. [supermaia]: you should wine and dine him, he’s into cheesy shit like that. like a proper, romantic date - if you even know what romance means, herondale. 

“Hey!” Simon skids to a stop in front of Jace, breathless. “Sorry I’m late! You said to dress nice, and, well, I’ve got a lot more options since Raphael forced me to update my wardrobe.” 

“Forced?” Jace asks skeptically, trying his hardest not to ogle at Simon. It’s a difficult task when Simon’s in a tailored blue button-up, the sleeves rolled to just below his elbows, his dark jeans ending in smart looking oxfords. 

“Raphael doesn’t hold with even exiled members of his clan looking like a fashion travesty.” Simon grins at him. “So what’s this undercover mission? Are one of the waiters demons?” 

“Oh. Hm. Yeah.” Jace clears his throat and folds his arms. “Our source reported that the demon’s moved on, but Alec wants us to check the place out just in case.” 

“Argh, really? So this is like a throwaway mission?” Simon asks, scuffing his shoe on the ground. The valet’s starting to look at them funny, and Jace realizes with a jolt that he still has his glamour rune on. He hurriedly tugs Simon into the shadows and lets his eyes flash, activating the rune again as he slides his hand down to grip Simon’s. The valet stares hard at the spot where Simon must have just disappeared. 

“You sound really disappointed.” Jace remarks, his grip on Simon’s hand tight. “It’s a free fancy meal.” 

“I want to help.” Simon scowls at Jace. He hasn’t let go of Jace’s hand either. Jace’s heart starts to pound faster, and he’s sure Simon can hear it. He doesn’t care, he wants Simon to hear it, wants Simon to understand how much Jace wants this. 

“You always help, why not take a day for yourself and put it on my card?” Jace asks, cajoling him. Simon squints. 

“You -” He says incredulously, and then he stops. And starts again. “You have a credit card?” 

Jace gives him a look. “How did you think I lived in New York? Do you think I just fight demons and then power off for the day or something?” 

“Or something.” Simon says wonderingly. “So like, what, you go grocery shopping and stuff? You go to the library? Do you - “

“I told you I go to book club.” Jace says, feeling peeved. “I’m just a normal guy, Simon.” 

“That”, Simon says, pointing at Jace triumphantly, “is the most humble thing I’ve ever heard you say. Well done. Congratulations.” His cheeks dimple as he grins impishly at Jace, and Jace can’t help but shake his head, the corners of his mouth twitching. 

“Careful,” Jace teases, “that was almost a compliment.” He lets go of Simon’s hand and steps away, trying not to feel disappointed as he smooths the lapels of his jacket. It was a long shot anyway, he thinks to himself. 

Simon’s staring at him, his brow furrowed and his expression thoughtful. “You wanna go get burgers then?” 

Jace sighs and shakes his head fondly. He can go home and sulk about not getting a date with Simon, or he can get burgers with his friend. The choice is pretty easy. 

“Yeah, let’s go get burgers. You can watch me eat and be sad.” 

.

iii. [parabrotai]: i’m no expert but i’ve been told you should try to talk about your feelings?? like be open. don’t hide stuff. i think simons into that kind of communication thing

“I play the piano.” Jace says as he drops into the seat next to Simon in the Institute’s kitchen. He means to say it conversationally, like an opening to better topics, but instead he blurts it out into the silence. Simon raises an eyebrow and takes out one earphone. 

“Huh.” He says, tilting his head. “This may come as a surprise to you, but you lose this competition. I play the piano too.” 

“You play the keyboard.” Jace scoffs back automatically, before he backtracks. “No, no, I meant - you know. Now you know. I play the piano.” 

“Okay.” Simon agrees bemusedly, sipping at his cup of blood. “Now I know? What, are you trying to tell me I play the piano badly? I thought you liked my songs - “

“I do.” Jace shakes his head as he crosses his arms and leans against the counter, grinning. “Angel help me, I’m not sure why, but I do.” 

“Hey.” Simon throws his wadded up napkin at Jace, who ducks, laughing. “I’m a hot Downworlder commodity.” Jace raises an eyebrow, and waits - 

Simon flushes an attractive pink. “I mean - like I’m popular - like not hot hot - you know what, I think I am, honestly, what - “

“Don’t worry your pretty face.” Jace says sincerely, patting Simon’s cheek as he pushes off the counter and goes in search of a mug to make himself tea. Simon splutters behind him. 

“Are you making fun of me? You’re making fun of me.” Simon declares. Jace hides his smile as he roots through the cabinets. 

“I’m not.” 

“I don’t even know whether to believe you or not. You’re messing with my mind, man.” Simon moans, a thunk sounding. Jace turns to see that Simon’s let his head fall forward on the counter, desolately draped over it like some sort of tragic hero. 

“Write a song about it, why don’t you.” Jace says, grinning. Simon bolts upright at that, a strange gleam in his eyes.

So he never actually gets to have a conversation with Simon about feelings, but they do spend the next hour creating increasingly awful lyrics for a song. It’s something. 

But he’s getting tired of being rejected unwittingly at every turn. It feels like maybe friendship is all he’s ever gonna get from Simon, and that’s fine. It’s fine. Whatever puts that stupidly gorgeous smile on Simon’s face is enough for him. 

iv. [clearlyfray]: don’t be an idiot. just be you. he likes YOU

Jace goes into a state of shock when he reads Clary’s text. She looks over at him, through the crowd at Hunter’s Moon for Simon’s gig, and winks. He splutters into his beer and looks back at Simon, who’s really getting into it now, his eyes lowered as he croons into the mic. Strobe lights flash around them, and the crowd is loud and wild; Simon’s a popular act. 

He waits through the set, his heart in his throat as he obsessively smooths his thumb over his phone screen. When Simon finally finishes, Jace forcefully pushes through the crowd until he can clamp a hand around Simon’s shoulder. 

“You,” He hisses, and Simon looks at him, alarmed, “Come on, we have to talk.” 

“Izzy if he kills me you’re my witness!” Simon screeches as Jace drags him out through the back door. Jace snorts. 

“Shut up.” He commands, unable to stop himself from smiling at Simon, a fond feeling bubbling in his chest. “I’m not - Simon. You idiot.” 

“You know, I just - yeah, I’m lost at this point.” Simon says, bemused. “You alright, buddy?” Jace ignores him. 

“I’ve been flirting with you for weeks.” He murmurs softly, stepping closer and noting the way Simon’s eyes widen and his lips part ins surprise. “I even asked Maia for help, and - now Clary tells me I didn’t have to try so hard.” 

“You - flirting?” Simon asks helplessly. “I thought you were just - being you.” 

“Yeah.” Jace presses closer, and Simon swallows, holding his ground, looking up at Jace through his lashes. He’s almost Jace’s height, but his eyes are absurdly large and beautiful, and it’s embarrassing how weak Jace is for everything about Simon Lewis. “Apparently you like that, even though I made a fool of myself.” 

“I do.” Simon agrees nervously, biting his lip. “God help me, I do. I never thought I could have this, though.” 

“Neither did I.” Jace admits, honestly, and it’s his heart on his sleeve as he stares at Simon. 

“Fuck, Jace,” Simon says, and then he launches forward and crashes their lips together, hard and demanding. The kiss is fierce, unyielding, taking Jace apart and stitching him back together as Simon’s tongue parts his lips like it’s the easiest thing in the world. Jace is breathless with desire, an overwhelming want clouding his mind as he knots his fingers in Simon’s hair and pulls him closer, pulls him in to take everything that Simon’s willing to give. 

They kiss for hours, or minutes, or seconds; all Jace knows is that he has to rip himself away at the end to suck in deep, ragged breaths, shaking as he leans against Simon. Simon, the rat bastard, just laughs, content with not needing to breathe. 

“That was awesome.” Simon enthuses, his arms encircling Jace’s waist. His smile crinkles the corners of his eyes, and he traces a thumb over Jace’s cheek. It’s soft in a way that Jace is still getting used to, and he hums and leans into the touch. 

“Just shut up,” He says, laughing breathlessly, “and kiss me.” 

And Simon does. 

[kirishwima]

Hey there cool bean! So.. I absolutely love Hance and I also absolutely love Fake Dating, Wrong Number and that "whatever you write on your skin appears on your soulmates skin" Soulmate AUs and I'd love you forever and beyond if you could write a normal life/pre-Boltron OS about one of these because that would be like the most awesome thing ever ;^;

Hey lovely!

So funny thing is, I love Hance a lot too and also really like all three ideas sooo i tried adding all of them into one fic lol ;u; hope you like it!

*****

Hunk stared at the text, his phone’s screen blearing and blurring his vision with its brightness.

To say he was…confused, would be an understatement.

He looked to the message once more, giving it another quick read.

From: Unknown

>Dude hi, look, i knw we ain’t that close or anythin but i rly rly RLY need u to call me and pretend ur my bf rn

Hunk sighed and scrolled down, reading the next chain of messages.

From: Unknown

>this creepy dude is hittin on me and idk how to tell him to back off so cmon pls call me n pretend ur my bf u don’t even have to talk or anythin

From: Unkown

>im gonna owe u like 100000 coffees cMON

It was a do-or-die moment, Hunk knew that.

He knew that the best option would be to ignore this messages-they were obviously not intended for him in the first place.

On the other hand…the person did seem really stressed out. Hunk knew if he was in the situation this person was in, he’d more than likely do the same thing, his fingers shooting a text to his best friend Pidge faster than you could say ‘burrito’.

It was a do-or-die moment.And Hunk decided to go for it full force, before the little anxious thoughts tugging on his skin pulled his barely existent bravado away from his grip.

He clicked on the unknown number and let his phone ring, shakily bringing it close to his ear.

The first beep went by unanswered, Hunk’s anxiety only heightening at the sound.The second beep followed, yet before a third one could be heard, the person on the other line picked up.

“Hello?”

The voice was sweet, a light pitch of anxiety clouding over it, yet even with the added stress and the distress of the phone, it was still one of the nicest sound Hunk’s ears had ever heard.

“U-uh, yes?”

Hunk mentally slapped himself, shutting his eyes and shaking his head.Nice going Hunk, he chided himself, way to show you’re intimidated by a person you haven’t even seen before

“Awe babe!” the voice cooed, the words of affection making goosebumps run over Hunk’s body, “you changed your phone number after all? I told you it was about time to!” the person continued, the sounds of background music and chatter now registering in Hunk’s mind.

“I-uh-yeah. Phone number. That’s right.” he stumbled, somewhat astounded at how easily this play of affection rolled through this person’s mouth.

“Well I’m glad you called me. I was just at your favourite coffee shop and wanted to ask you what coffee you wanted me to bring over! I didn’t see you at all today, I missed you.”

Hunk run a hand through his mark absent-mindedly, enjoying the soft voice over the line.

“A coffee would be great, yeah.” he mumbled, slowly feeling more at ease.He wondered if this person had him on loud speaker, or if his own little show of fake-dating this person was more unnecessary than helpful.

“What? You want me to go over straight away? Are you sure?”

A-ha.

Hunk huffed a laugh, quickly realising that the only person that could hear him right now was this guy he was talking to.

“Alright, alright, I’m on my way! Love you, see you in a bit!”

He heard the person mutter something, another somewhat gruffer voice answering back to him, quickly followed by shuffling, the sounds of the coffee shop promptly disappearing.

“…are you still there?” the voice asked, the tone much quieter than before.

The high pitch and sweetness was a show, after all.

“Yup.” Hunk replied, a profound comfort washing over him, all his previous stress diminished.He slumped onto his bed with relief and sighed, waiting to hear an explanation from this unknown person.

“I’ll just go ahead and assume you’re not Steve, are you?”

He laughed at that, shaking his head despite knowing the person he was speaking to couldn’t see him.

“Afraid not. And I guess you didn’t actually mean to text me did you?”

The voice laughed, the sound like water from a creek, crystal clear and joyous to Hunk’s ears.

“No, no, definitely not.” he laughed, “Still, thanks for helping me out. There was this dude that wouldn’t take no for an answer. He only backed away when he thought I was talking to my boyfriend or, whatever.”

“Yeah dude, I hear you, this kind of people are the worst” Hunk grumbled, scrunching his nose in distaste, “Why can’t they just respect another person’s boundaries and get that ‘no’ means ‘no’?!”

The person on the phone hummed in agreement.

“Thank you, that’s exactly what I was thinking!”  he huffed, “it’s so easy and yet some people are just..ugh” he groaned in defeat.

Hunk laughed, letting a short silence stretch that really wasn’t as uncomfortable as Hunk thought it should be.

“I never got your name by the way.” the voice spoke up, a shyer tone in their sound, “I’m Lance, Lance Sanchez.”

He let the name roll through his mind for a moment, trying to think if he’d ever heard it before. He was certain he never did, but there was something about it, about this person’s voice, their mannerism, that made Hunk feel a familiar tinge in his chest, as if something in his heart was tugging it’s way to his brain, smacking it and saying ’of course you know it, silly!’

“Hello?”

Hunk shook himself out of his trance.

“Yeah hi! Sorry, sorry, just tryin’ to figure out if I know you from somewhere. I’m Hunk Garett.”

The voice-Lance, Lance huffed, the sound making white noise travel through Hunk’s speaker.

“Man, I thought you were going to hung up on me or something. Which I’d totally get, but you know, putting a name to my life-saver would be nice-“

“Life-saver? I hardly did anything!” Hunk interrupted, his face reddening at the characterisation. Here he was, talking to thus guy with this soothing voice, that was calling him a life-saver?

“Yes life-saver, don’t be humble, and anyway, as I was saying, putting a name to the voice would be nice, but you know what would be better?”

“W-what?”

“Taking said life-saver with his honey-sweet voice out for a coffee. You know, as a thank-you for getting me away from a creepy flirt even though you had zero obligation to?”

The words died in Hunk’s mouth, his eyes widening at face heating up.

Coffee? Honey-sweet?

Was…was this guy asking him out on a date?!

“I-no-there’s no need-“

“Aw come on, I did promise you a bunch of coffees in the text. Well, I thought I was promising Steve coffees, until I realised I’d saved his phone number wrongly in the first place, but anyway! The offer stands if you want it!” Lance cheered, the sounds of a bustling street failing to dull his loud voice.

Hunk mulled over the idea, feeling like a fish far, far, far out of it’s waters. So far it could just as well be a fish that boarded a plane and landed onto the Sahara desert.

“Look”, Lance continued, his voice more sullen than before, “it’s totally cool if you don’t want to, and I’m sorry if I over-stepped my bounds. Hell, I just escaped a creepy guy, I don’t wanna sound anything like him myself. All I’m saying is, I owe you one, and if you want to, I’ll be more than happy to repay you.”

“You can even hit me up on social media if you want. I’m pretty much everywhere with my full name, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, you name it. Or you can just hung up and we never speak again, that is totally cool too, and uh, thanks again for helping me out-“

Lance started rumbling, and something in Hunk just lit up, a small bold voice flexing and yelling at him to just do it, completely trampling the shyer, more worrisome voices nibbling at his mind.

“I’ll add you on Facebook. Or snapchat or something and we can uh, see and decide. I mean, are we even in the same city? Or the same country?! You could be in the other side of the world for all we know!” Hunk mused, suddenly realising all the ways this could go wrong. Even his little just do it voice had no come-back to that.

“I mean, your phone number’s nearly the same as my friend Steve’s, and it’s a local phone number so…probably not?”

Hunk stilled.Oh. Right.

They both laughed, slowly understanding how obscure the situation they found themselves in was.

“Alright. I’ll add you on facebook. I’ll talk to you there?”

Lance hummed, his smirk evident even through a phone conversation.

“Sure thing”, he smiled, and continued, “Nice to meet you, Hunk.”

His voice calling Hunk’s name felt more surreal than any conspiracy theory Pidge had ever brought his way.

“I-Nice to meet you too Lance.”

Hunk was hooked.This was a do-or-die moment, and he was pretty sure he just broke the do-or-die system.

*****

Lance’s squeal was loud enough to wake up his flatmate, if the knock on his door along with Keith’s rumble of ‘cut it out Sanchez’ was enough of an indication.

But he didn’t care, not right then and there.

He held his phone in his hand since the moment he clicked the hung up button after his conversation with Hunk, holding it tightly like prayer beads, as if that would make his wishes come true.

He waited for this blessed notification for over an hour, a cruel, agonising, torturous hour, and no, he was not being dramatic, or extra as his friends liked to call him, he was being dead-ass serious.

The moment Hunk uttered one single word to him, he felt the heat rise to his face, his heart thudding and threatening to jump out of his ribcage and run around the city to find the cause for it’s irregular beating.

His voice was like honey and cinnamon and spice and everything nice, dammit, Lance was no poet, but the way this boy talked and the way he laughed did things to his brain, things he was certain brains were not supposed to do, like agonise for an hour wether or not a stranger he knew for a total of five minutes would add him on any of his social media or not.

So when his phone beeped with a Facebook notification that spelled out ‘Hunk Garett has sent you a Friend Request’, Lance was not ashamed to admit he screamed louder than he did that one time he saw Justin Timberlake walking down the street.

With shaky hands, he unlocked his phone and clicked on the notification, the screen immediately loading Hunk’s Facebook Profile.

What awaited him was….it was too good to be true, that’s for sure.

The profile greeted him with a picture of the most beautiful boy in existence, a close up of his face, dark chocolate skin and amber eyes, and the sweetest, softest smile one could ever lay their eyes on.

His heart threatened to stop and he still had only looked at the guy’s profile picture.

He scrolled down, taking a look at his profile, which was set to public view.

Another photo awaited him, this time of the same gorgeous face, now placed in a full-body picture, that displayed Hunk sitting cross-legged in a grassy field, a big cheerful dog with golden fur and droopy ears trying to fit itself onto Hunk’s lap, the boy in question fitting his hands around the dog and hugging it, the biggest of grins on his face, enough to make his eyes squint and crinkle at the corners.

‘Did i adopt him or did he adopt me?’ the photo’s caption said, and Lance wasted no time in his next course of action.

He promptly got off of his bed, where he was squealing and agonising in for the past hour, and headed out to the living room, where Keith sat with a bowl of cereal in his lap, a weird alien documentary playing on the TV.

Lance sat by him and placed the phone in front of Keith’s face.

“Mothboy, what do you think of this guy?” he asked, making Keith squint and turn his attention to the phone in front of him.

Keith studied the picture as he took another spoonful of his cereal, humming before swallowing and turning to Lance.

“I don’t even know him and I’d willingly let him hug me to death.” he deadpanned.

“I know right?!” Lance screeched, and before he could re-think it, scrolled up on Hunk’s profile and clicked ‘accept’ on his friend request.

He had never been more thankful to his clumsy fingers for typing a wrong number more than he was in that very second.

*****The familiar ring of his phone made him shake his head and look away from the books in front of him, earning himself a glare from the tiny girl sitting across of him, although it was a short-lived one-her glare turned to a smirk in less than a nano-second.

“Is that the Snapchat notification sound I hear?” she smirked, raising an eyebrow and leaning closer to her friend.

“You got freakin’ bat ears Pidge, let me tell you”, Hunk grimaced, backing away from her stare  with his phone in hand, “And even if it was, what’s it to you again?”

“Nothing?” she blinked, morphing her expression to the purest most innocent face she could conjure, “I’m merely wondering who it is that’s snap-chatting you, that’s important enough for you to stop mid-way of studying quantum physics of all things, so you could answer.”

“That puppy face stopped working like, two years ago, and no, I’m not gonna tell you who I’m talking with.”

“Please, as if I don’t know it’s that Lance guy you keep going on and on about” she huffed, rolling her eyes in distaste.

Hunk  knew better than to try and argue with her on that-Pidge had been his best friend since forever, and if it’s one thing he could never do to her, it was lie.

Besides, he couldn’t ever lie to save his life, nevertheless lie to his best friend about anything.

“Okay yeah, it’s Lance, so?” he asked, not looking up from his phone as he opened the snapchat application and waited for Lance’s snap to load.

When did the two become so close?

It was only a month since that fated phone call, and yet they were talking more and more each day, to the point that Hunk sometimes forgot they hadn’t actually physically met yet.

“Hunk, my dude, my man”, she started, pushing her glasses up with the tip of her finger, “the guy is practically your boyfriend already.”

“No he’s-“

“Must I remind you your full 20-minute freak-out session when you found his Facebook? You said, and I quote” she paused, clearing her throat and turning to Hunk with wide eyes, “His eyes are so blue and sparkly how can a man be so pretty Pidge I am going to dIE” she sing-songed, mimicking her best Hunk voice.

“I definitely did not say that, and for the thousandth time, he is not my boyfriend! He’s just a-“

He meant to continue, but the loaded snapchat caught him mid-sentence, his mouth slack and turning into a soft fond smile.

The snap was of Lance, a quick selfie with a wink and a wide grin, the tip of Lance’s nose reddened as the sun beat down of him, the glimpse of ocean blue waves behind him, neck and chest bare and peeking into the photograph.

‘Water’s great! Wish you were here too xo’ said the caption and Hunk’s soul immediately transcended to the seventh gate of heaven, if that was even a thing-which it should, because only one was just not enough to contain how blessed he felt in that moment.

“He’s just so…pretty…”

“Called it” Pidge snorted, rolling back on her chair and folding her arms over her chest.

She let Hunk have his small blissed-out moment, even let him reply to Lance with a quick selfie that showcased him and the row of books on their table, Pidge pouting at them in the background, before she coughed and nodded at Hunk.

“Do you think he’s maybe…you know.” she nodded again, pointing to Hunk’s right arm, her point of interest hidden behind his t-shirt.

He looked down to his arm too, soft smile fading as he remembered what was hidden in the inner corner of his right arm, an image hidden from the world under bulky sweaters or light t-shirts.

“Do I think he’s my…soulmate?” he dreaded that last word, the thought itself bringing up bile and anxiety into his stomach.

Pidge nodded again, her face open and hands reaching out to rest in-between their piles of books and closer to Hunk.

“The only way to find out is if you meet him you know? You’re getting along so well already.” she prompted.

“I guess.” Hunk sighed and shook his head, averting his gaze in favour of grabbing his cup of coffee and taking a sip, then fiddling with the cover of one of his books.

Damn summer reading and extra work-load. He’d much rather be at the beach right now, enjoying his college years with a certain blue-eyed someone-

Okay. Wrong train of thought. Very, very, very wrong train of thought.

It wasn’t that Hunk hadn’t thought about it.Could Lance be his soulmate?

Yes.With the way his heart fluttered and stomach clenched with each joke or silly meme Lance sent him, with each quick ‘good morning’ text and short Skype sessions, it was no wonder he grew more and more fond of the bright-eyed boy with each passing day.

Hunk was in deep and he knew it.

But what if Lance just wasn’t his soulmate?

What if they met but there was no glow in their eyes, no burning of their respective marks and swirling colours that’d make each of their marks whole again?

He absent-mindedly scratched at his arm, the thought of that bright yellow circle etched onto his skin, waiting to find the colour it’d mix and match with, that’d make the colour that’d bind him to another person for life.

He already had an idea of who he wished that person to be.

He just didn’t know if fate would agree with him.

*****From: Hunky Hunk

>Hey Lance. I’m soooo sorry but i can’t make it today ;-; Jimmy got sick and i had to take her to the vet asap. raincheck?

Lance sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose before replying.

>>hey dude!! ya no problem, dont worry! hope jimmy feels better soon

The reply he got was instantaneous.

From: Hunky Hunk

>thanks man. will do. sorry again! i’ll make it up to you on your next day off :)

He smiled at the text, even though a certain disappointment gnawed at the pit of his chest.

He understood that life was hard and sometimes things just happened.

He just didn’t understand how life could work it’s way and destroy his plans five times in the same month.

The first time he asked Hunk if he wanted to meet up, was two months after they started talking, gathering up his courage and asking him out for that coffee he’d promised him.

Hunk sounded excited, but sent him a text the next day, profusely apologising because he’d forgotten to tell Lance he’d be out of town for the weekend.

Lance told him not to worry about it, they’d be able to figure out another day.

Then the next week it was his friend’s birthday, so they’d gone out to celebrate.

Then it was his workload that got Hunk slumped and unable to make it.

Then, surprisingly, it was Lance’s turn to be unavailable, his part time work friend getting sick and needing someone to fill his place for a few days, something that Lance wouldn’t ever say no to.

But this was the fifth time in a row that they tried making plans to meet up, and through he knew it was neither of their faults, it still felt like a blow to the side every time, his ego bruised and his hope battered.

He stared at the offensive blue mark on his left wrist and sighed in defeat.

Through their everyday talks with Hunk, the silly pictures and cute selfies he’d sent (that Lance had to fight off the urge to screenshot and keep by his bed every single time), to their common excitement and bonding over astronomy and flying, Lance had slowly started to get this inkling, this small hunch that maybe just maybe….

….There was perhaps a small, tiny, minuscule chance that Hunk could be his soulmate.

He tried not to get his hopes up, he really, truly did, but it became harder to do so with each sweet text and shy phone-call Hunk sent his way.The boy was sugar moulded into a human being and Lance wanted nothing more than to shove himself into a self-induced sugar coma. A Hunk coma, if you will.

He sighed, slumping onto his elbows on the kitchen table, earning a groan from Keith who was sitting across of him with his computer open and his pale skin reflecting the light off of it.

“What are you moping about?” he asked, his voice all bark but no bite. Lance learned by now that this was just his friend’s way of showing concern. “Is it about Hunk again?”

Lance’s lower lip quivered, his eyebrows scrunching.

“It’s the fifth time we’re unable to meet up Keith! The fifth time! Fate is against me and the universe hates me.”

“The universe is too busy minding its own business to hate you. And you and Hunk are practically dating anyway, stop being so sad about it.”

“But we’re not! I’m just-what if he’s not…the one, you know? What if I’m thinking things too much and he’s not even into me at all?!” Lance gasped, sitting up and bringing his hands to Keith’s shoulders, shaking the lethargic boy with intense emotion.

“What if he doesn’t even want to talk to me and he just feels forced to because he’s too sweet to say no?!”

“Lance, I get that you think the guy’s all sunshine and rainbows, and he probably is, but if he didn’t want to talk to you, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t. It’s not that hard to block someone.” he sighed, moving away from Lance’s grip in favour of carrying on typing on his computer.

“…Besides,” Keith continued, peeking up from his work to look at Lance, “I met his best friend Pidge once and trust me, if he didn’t want to talk to you…she’d have obliterated you a long, long time ago.” he shuddered.

Lance slumped back in his seat, face thoughtful.

“That…is oddly comforting. Thanks buddy.”

Keith shrugged, tugging a strand of loose hair back into his messy ponytail.

“Also, your phone just beeped. I’ll take my best guess and say it’s from Hunk.”

Lance turned to face his phone. Sure enough, his Facebook messenger beeped with a new message, alerting him that Hunk had sent him an attachment.

“Conspiracy confirmed cryptid boy.” he smirked, ignoring Keith’s protest in favour of opening up the chat and looking at what Hunk had sent him.

Attached was a photo of Hunk’s dog Emmy, with half of Hunk’s face in the shot, standing right outside a veterinary clinic.

“Doc said she’ll be in perfect health soon! She just ate something bad. Gave her a hug and told her it’s from you and she wagged her tail a lot so that’s got to mean she likes you!” said the message that followed.

Lance let his phone back down and slumped face-first into the table, ignoring the cackle that came from Keith.

“You really like him huh.” Keith stated.

“…I would willingly eat a bottle of hot sauce for him in a heartbeat.” Lance answered.

The scariest part of the situation was that Lance really, truly meant it.

He was wrapped around the finger of a boy he’d never met before.

*****

Hunk felt his phone beep in his pocket, but for the first time in forever, didn’t move to check it, as much as his mind and heart screamed and begged him to.

He was late, he was so, so late and he’d never hear the end of it from Coran if he was late to his first lecture of the year.

He hadn’t even realised how fast summer came and left.Never realised how fast a certain boy named Lance sneaked his way into Hunk’s life even if he’d yet to see him face to face.

He pushed the thought aside in favour of speeding up his step, only pausing for a moment to take out his phone and promptly check the time.

7.30 a.m

Seven. Thirty. In the morning.

In his dazed state, he’d never realised he read the time wrong. The school was only a half hour away from his house, and thinking it was 8.30 when he woke up and his class was at 9.00, he had run the apartment upside down looking for clothes and his toothbrush so he could run out and into the first bus he could catch

But now it was seven thirty and he was five minutes away from the school campus and he honestly never hated himself as much as he did right then and there.

Luckily that hate wouldn’t stand for long-he noticed a local coffee shop across the street, already busy with people shuffling in and out despite the early hour of the morning.

Hunk rushed inside, placing his order to a cheerful yet tired-looking cashier, then moving to the queue waiting for their coffee, his eyes never leaving his phone as he checked through his to-do list and replying to Lance’s text from last night, figuring the boy must’ve been still asleep when he got no reply.

“One cold brew coffee with caramel syrup and soy milk?” the cashier all but yawned, and Hunk turned his head to her with a smile, reaching for the coffee she’d just placed onto the small waiting table.

He stilled when he felt a warm hand clash with his, tan slender fingers with a blue circle on the wrist of said hand.

His eyes widened when the circle glowed, and swirled, his own mark heating up and his eyes burning, the blues and yellows merging into a vibrant green.

There was no need to look up, to realise who it was he’d just felt this connection to.

He’d known from the first time they talked.From that very first, awkward, embarrassing phone call.

Yet he still looked anyway, if anything, just to see the face he could wait not longer to kiss the smirk off of.

“Morning Lance.” he beamed, noticing the green glow subduing from Lance’s eyes, replaced with the baby blues he loved to finally see up close, the smile on Lance’s face too surreal to even try and describe.

“Morning hunky Hunk.” Lance grinned, “glad to finally know what your taste in coffee’s like.” he added with a wink, and before Hunk could reply, he got his arms full of Lance, the scent of sea salt and comfort and home.

It felt right.

It felt stupid to even question it, to ever wonder if this was his person.

Hunk looked down at the boy in his arms, a lip-splitting grin of his own lacing his face, burying himself into Lance’s neck.

“I guess I can finally treat you to that coffee I owed you?” Lance laughed, the warmth vibrating off his neck and onto Hunk.

Hunk huffed, his eyes already watering before Lance leaned closer and kissed his forehead.

“Idiot” Hunk whispered, “You’ve got a lifetime to do that.”

******

-Support me on Ko-Fi-

[fertile-delirium-blog]

You know, everything I ever worked towards, care about, love or have been lucky to come across or been given an opportunity to, I’ve always gotten to a point where I fuck everything up realise where I went wrong or what I keep getting told I do or am and honestly everyone I ever believed enough to let in and be a bit of the real me or all of the real me, since I was little, I been trying to run from this sadness that I later found out is developed or called depression that I realise, I’ve never understood it, I never thought id have mental illness and I ran, I denied for so long.. people telling me I need help, I had a system that worked, a system that never allowed me to be verbally honest with anyone enough to actually get to know me , without the fear and what ifs that I now know is anxiety, funny I never really, really knew what it was but turns out the two together destroy my life, ever since high school, ive wanted to continually improve myself no matter what anyone said and the same time I maintained an image where I made myself make everyone view me the opposite of what I felt I was, when im angry, im actually upset, I made myself seem like I was okay enough n making it on my own so people wouldn’t view me as weak or a being who needed sympathy or attention or some street kid goimg nowhere when really, for too long all I wanted was to find where I belong n do what in my heart I felt n feel like will come back, be music that expresses things I can’t say or feels weird coming out of this mouth that isnt mine, dont feel right. Communication.. something ive never had real, experience with.. was mainly mute other than my outward image for my protection and other peoples shit for so many years before I met her, she made me want to talk, opened up n be the me I feel I am on the inside, but, how easy did I really think it was gonna be? …a lot easier than it was/is.. I’ve always been a lone wolf.. why did I think I could have a family life like that when… I convinced myself with this act I was over shit I wasn’t, that was my fuck up this is all before I fell in love and its funny… it’s a boy cries wolf story, she loved me.. I loved her but something in me didn’t let me properly love her the way I should’ve but if I knew then what I know, my god things would be different and this is what I was afraid of.. completely giving in to her that… I wouldn’t care about myself as much just wanted to make her n kids happy, that’s what made me happy that’s the reason for my being as the opportunity to do so after terrible things n times had us far away for a long time and realised that they the family I chose to have n m sorry I let you all down I’m sorry my bpd, bipolar depressive states is what im trying to focus on to gwt better, since I actually believed everyone but 18 years of unsaid, undealt with and put away in the black box f nothing, isn’t easy to unfold , realise grow, accept, change, love, heal myself and be what was wanted or needed to best of my ability, truth is with her, this focus on making my life a certain way disappeared, never thought it would happen.. i want to do n cater n help n just be n do or try to what it s she wanted if me, I tried I fucked up in the beginning, but still pay to this day.. sigh the balance of who I on the inside is out of whack n has changed.. I don’t think anyone ever did I thought I showed n expressed enough to understand, I guess, if im too sick to love I shouldn’t get on the way of where she wants to go n do, its a shame really, right girl wrong time, don’t care if we were meant to be or not the universe chose you that I loved that much I wanted to make a life, thins I did out of spite, jealousy, anger, major depressive states too much drugs or too long on drugs wasn’t really me, the me I thought you knew n loved was that you made me happy, only person to do that that’s not my siblings.. then there are your beautiful kids I’ve let down too many times.. idk what made me think I deserved you 3.. maybe the fact that I was hoping we all changed n we were happy, we were, that’s not fantasy, we had some great, great times ill never let go of wanted my career I chased for since I was a kid n ended up getting n wanted to have the normal family as well but I chose them in the end n always will but I gotta keep away for her, for them.. every time I get into this stupid certain major depressive state.. I do things to make it harder on myself but you know what the problem is.. the real me is hidden in a cube within and I can see everything.. and that’s not the real me. That’s something dark attached to me that wants to keep me hidden away.. so how do I defeat this other person I’m watching from the inside take over a beautiful physical being I don’t feel is mine and causing such pain for both her, I and my ex gf and her kids and tearing everything that’s mine (the inside) and hers(outside) causing such hate n was for each other n causes such distress for those who actually love me.. I would like you, any of you to hold my hand throughout me getting better.. but I also know I’ve had my times with help n no help n I run away.. I know how hard it is for anyone to love me.. or be there for me I want all to be happy n move on with their lives get And do things the deserve.. I don’t wanna hold anyone back jus because they care.. I’ve been alone since I was little.. may as well stay alone to the end.. cant bear to love.. there’s only her I will never have kids, it’ll always be them, don’t want to cause pain because I’m hard to love because I’m sad with myself n wanna make you happy same time.. god how did I get here.. I got nothing n no one.. at all n all I had before her was a dream I made into reality then set bar higher only to fall that fucking hard to be half the reason I hate myself and before that tried to be an accepted part of my family n moved on to my dream knowing my family will never know.. what ive felt, how low I sank at the age of 8, understand or acce ppl t me enough.. the most truth I can give them is that I want to die cos im not good enough for this world.. items are not feelings, being raped and beaten for 5 yrs of my childhood n being too scared to tell anyone due to death threats then once it comes into the open is apologetic and sad for then my mum gets angry at me cos she cant accept it sober,.. I do blame him.. but I also know that its my fault ive let him win and affect me as a person n how I grow for so long and being told o can do something bout it going to yoir mum n her telling me its no use they wont find anything too late to be then told 5 yrs later that, I can still do something about it.. and I havent.. all these little bits and pieces make sense from the moment of my mums impregnation to now that maybe, just maybe I was never supposed to have been born.. I don’t belong on this world, I was an unwanted mistake that had no friends got bullied, raped, beaten as a child to getting away from that man that is your brothers dad also and my brother ended up being my best friend mid teens to not even know what a friend is other than knowing not to let anyone know the bad I been through and alone.. always have been alone no one sees the me that stands behind this beautiful, sad but always fake smiling so i don’t seem so broken shell of mine.. no one can hear me but the people in my head and none of them want to let me out.. guess I don’t deserve anything else but being alone trying to fight people I can only hear.. if I used to see any of them..when I did see silhouetted bodies before I had too many drugs and certain.. things went away.. im sorry I blocked you out.. oh silhouetted bodies I miss you.. as scary as it would be sometimes.. you always helped me be strong enough for the next step, if it is you that torments me today.. why? And if it isn’t.. is it just mental illness?. Or is it so much more than that..

Was I killed or kill myself too early in past life I went straight through to this one??.. from the moment I was born I was not meant to exist.. im sorry to the people who love and care for me… none of you will see me again.. ill save you all the energy, the stress and the pain I’ve previously caused due to my own mind and my feelings but know if you could hear me.. not this voice of mine verbally.. but if you or i could translate it or if you could hear my inside voice I promise that all would be understandable.. no confusion, no bullshit, no actions I didnt make but she or they did.. they just want to break me.. all but one laugh at me, mock me, talk to me and then to her on the outside as a fucking game or to make us continually clash and that ruins me, my ex gf, and well because of all that I distanced from kids when asked.. and have gotten so far it breaks my god damn heart.. gonna be like my brother, like my sister.. cant be apart of their life, cant watch them grow but silently love all 3 of them silently from afar.. I don’t want anyone to love me and I don’t want to love anymore than I already do as long these people and depression n whatever else they say I got continues to win this fight.. hopefully at the moment.. they make m e want to die. For silence, no more memories, feelings and they make it known that this is not my body.. I a excluded from all beings.. even the one I reside in.. no support. Don’t want friends, don’t want family.. I just wish I could’ve gotten better for the ones I love and who love me.. im sorry .. I dont want a life anymore. I really realize .. I was not meant to.. I hope that everyone I love will hate me, already does,or will and can forget me.. I did have some real, real hapy good times with you mum, lola, jaiden, mia, rachele, LJh and TRh.. sorry Ive said and done some fucked up things and I hope if you do remember or think of me it wont always be bad because I had and was a genuine happy and fun girl at times. Especially with you guys. And im sorry if you guys dont know which ones are real and fake..im sorry .. I wanna get better but realising I was never meant to be here,n if I was it was to be alone n silent I was right tho.. im not here to have a life for me or make one for myself nd hurt people in process. I love in times of darkness and undenying voices… I dont need your care.. I dont want you to feel sorry I just hope when you think back on me maybe.. youll see the peaks of the inside me get let put due to the help from my outside n i ts something we don’t n wont talk bout..I wont make anyone put up with me just because they are or I am loved. Not anymore.. I love you all.. hope everyone gets what the want and deserve. And to the parents of whos kids I love as my own then just fucking distanced due to how I am not thinking boit if or how itd affect them.. im sorry fo all the wrong ive done by them but know how happy and grateful I am for you guys bringing them into this world.. we all know im shit at doing what im supposed to and moat times I was shit to them.. I dlnt k know if i t was noticeable but I did try.. but thank you for letting be apart of that and being “snips”.. and giving me a chance to love them and treat them like my own I wish I did better with all of you, their family, my family im sorry whatever this thing is im just sorry I ruined some good things and hurt people I love n who love me.. never again.

I love you all.. I feel like I didnt get to say it all.. but, o can’t keep crying.. I been typing for 2 hrs… I will be making another account and this will be my lalst post as mariah elrington. To the world and the people I love… im sorry. I hope ypu forgive me and see the good person I always tried to be I will love yo and appreciate you all forever.. im sorry that since I came to world I was doomed to be nothing but a problem but I swear.. I swear on everything… I always try to be better but fall harder.. doing this on my own and voices, my thoughts and the opinion of those who love me see the opposite to what im doing or how I am.. its really hard.. ive never done it this mentally tough before.. well on drugs trippin on non real stuff but this.. this is real life and for once, I dont have anyone to talk to even on a vague level.. not even a pen and paper.. this, this is all so o guess thank you tumblr idk how worst id be without you ..I love you all… this is the fkn truth.. I never meant for it any of it to be als bad as they are between my two families I love. I hope you can get it right, now without me, the problem, the burden,.the dralin and be happy I meam that from thr deep.side of my heart, I really hope I haven’t fucked it enough you wont recover.. but I may be a bit over my head.. they won’t care.. I mean they will for a short time,, but will be happy not long after no Im not saying im gonna kill myself, we all know I can’t. But none of you will see or hear from me again.. because I love you. And I love you alll im deeply sorry I couldn’t express or show it enough for that you guys to believe that a whole lot or know the extent of how much with how ive been but ti my blood family and made family… I love you all so much its because of you gus im doing this for you other wise ill never leave y'all alone cos I need y'all but can’t and won’t hurt anyone but myself anymore.. almost 3 hrs writing.. I still got more to say but gonna leave it there.. god damn it,I love you and I do hope my whole family have a good life n im sorry I ruined the parts of it that I did but be worry free I dont want anyone trying to reach out to me after this. Wil be ignored or unseen..

I love my families and im sorry I couldn’t get it right to be good enough well enough to not negatively affect you.

Have a great life, drink, party, love do the things you want and think o f me as okay if it helps just please,if you love me dont ever get worried.. dont ever assume anything just be be fucking happy, experience, travel, grow Chase dreams.. trust, they are possible no matter situation, lonliness or head space,long as you believe youre gonna.make i t real and do what you gptta to make it gappen, if some like me not even suppose to be alive can do it, you strong, smart beautiful family of mine I believe in you.. to all of you every age. and each everyone of you deserve it. The good fun or happy life with its obvious small obstacles that isn’t as stressful or hard t fix asits been as of late..

I am sorry. I love nd appreciate you all. And you will all always be in my mind And my hearts im sorry im too mental im sorry for all ive done.

I love you all.

Goodbye forever.. all 7 of you ill love always. Pls keep the good bout me in your hearts if you can’t forget. I miss you all like crazy wish I could see you all again to give a goodbye hug.. but a visioned one is gonna have to do. Know that’s the last thing youd recieve from me if that were the case.

Goodbye my precious family I loved dearly but took for granted and couldnt get better.. im sorry I put you all through so much. I really am I wish all of you could see how much love I got for each and everyone of you cos I know I didnt do that good of a job to make sure it was known but I hope it is not.. love you please be happy for me too, if its worth anything to any of you, cos idk how long it'll take to feel it again.

Goodbye fams.

-Mariah Elrington

[lrosenthal11]

Here's to my start at @CollegeIsMyLife <3

Hi!! ♌

 My name is Laurunce Rosenthal and this is my first blog for my new job ayeeee. We have a loootttttt to cover so here we go. Wow I don’t think anyone, including myself, is ready for what’s about to be written. Here we fuckin go.

Okay let’s start from the start. I’m Laurunce, some know me as LJ some Laurunce, some call me names they make up like Lauren or Lawrence or LG or even shit like TJ like idk where we getting these letters from…but anyway that is me. I’m Laurunce. And you’ve probably never heard the name Laurunce before which is so lit for me because now I hope you never forget it. I’m the girl that’s going to make an impact on this world. Wanna know why? Because no one else is going to? “Oh LJ so many people are doing stuff for this world..” well my niqqa why aren’t you? Glad you just asked yourself that question I want you to ask yourself it again…and again… Ask yourself why you aren’t doing something for this world; some action to better this world. And if you are HELL YEAHHH glad you’re on the winning team. Now for people not doing anything positive for this world, or even worse doing stuff that NEGATIVELY IMPACTS our Earth, yuuuuuppp I’m calling you out bartards and litterers, and yep even you past LJ meanie gal. You were not a nice human in your past. Glad you woke up girl. Make some positive changes in this world people, we gotta do it not only for us, but for our children and grandchildren, and our grandchildren’s grandchildren. I’m doing this for you, my babies I hope to have. Obviously cannot predict the future, but my two beautiful baby girls, hopefully twins, if not the best of friend sisters: Summer Raine Rosenthal and Brooke Lynn Rosenthal. How cute omg cannot wait for these beautiful humans to enter the world Anyway back to start, we are going to stray off track a lot I feel like but it’s worth it to me because my ideas are all over the place but begging and pleading to be put onto this page, which will then transfer to your brains. This is my literal thought process running like a wild lion (where my Leos at?) through my brain, and leaving my fingertips to be available for your eyes to read and your soul to listen to. These are my lyrics on some platform, somewhere, wherever you are. And wherever you are I hope you are at home and at peace, because you are your own home. “You can’t make homes out of human beings, someone should have already told you that.” – Warsan Shire (my twitter bio for idk maybe the past 4 years), and as Porter Robinson said at the event that sparked this enlightenment of my soul, #OkeechobeeMusicFestival2017, “Every place you’ve ever imagined, it’s real. There is a fictional city in your mind and you know every corner of it. Your mind is a world, each of us is a place.” Do you understand why music is my new favorite drug? Lyrics and beats SPEAK TO ME.

How did this change all occur??? Well, I microdosed on LSD (microdosing is where you cut of a liiiitle piece and take that instead of dropping the whole tab) and my eyes were opened to the effects of drugs and how they can hinder such beautiful people and decided that is not the path I wish to be on anymore. If I can enjoy life without all the drugs and other influences I was under, why do I NEED them? That is not to say I am going to stop cold turkey, but I now know and trust my limits.  I was addicted to this fake feeling of satisfaction for however long my high lasted. Now I truthfully am high on life. I could sit here and type forever about the changes I am making in my life, but I will just show you all, and show myself, because it’s kinda counterproductive to brag (#NOMORENEGATIVITY) and try to explain how amazing it is to finally be happy in my own skin and with a new cleansed and refreshed soul. It’s the flesh I will be in for the rest of my years on this planet, so I should prob get comfy in it, and I encourage you to do the same, get comfy peeps it’s going to be a nice journey. And I am not here to scold you, because who am I to try and control your life, and who are you to try and control mine? I needed to take a drug to realize I don’t need them. I DROPPED a tab (tab = the acid for my family right now reading this going ‘huhhhh what’s a tab??!!!’) Anyway, I DROPPED a drug to realize I could DROP drugs, ahhhhh finally a big part of my life, “Double Entendre” which I hope to call this blog/the book I am going to write. There will be many of those DEs throughout this new blog. Wow I am excited. If you are reading this and it touches you in any way please share. I am just a New York girl trying to be successful, and there are many cliché stories like that, but who is to say I can’t be one of those cliché stories too? They usually have really awesome endings.

           So what am I going to do with this blog platform? I am going to change the world. Don’t believe me? Watch me. THE ONLY PERSONEVER STOPPING YOU, IS YOU. And I believe that about myself. At Okeechobee, a woman who looked JUST like my older sister Janeen, (Janeen you are one of my heroes, this one’s for you) approached me and said to me, “Watch who you hang out with.” and proceeded on her way. You will see throughout my blog I believe in Her, She, The Universe. She is Us it’s so weird and hard to explain but I’ll try…She is not a religion, She is not something we have to go praise every Sunday, or someone who we have to fear, She is within and among us, trying to guide us on our life’s journey so we can experience all the necessary experiences we have to go through in order to become our true selves. I believe in Astrology a crazy amount, and I’m no expert, but I am learning. And I believe She chose me to be a Leo, Leo, Aquarius, Scorpio for a reason. (Find your Natal Chart here, it will unlock so many secrets to your life. It very well may be exactly what you need to read in your life right now to start your enlightenment, http://astro.cafeastrology.com/natal.php. ) If you look up my signs you will learn a lot about me, which if you aren’t interested you don’t obviously have to but you’ll learn more about me than you could imagine. Here’s a video (https://youtu.be/ymmq1E37sJQ?list=PLGn9j5IRilElxuRGQz0Voy7JEHF9nQOqZ)  that literally is so scary spot on I laughed at Her because she has a humorous side I’m so serious. Anyway go look up your info wait lemme get this out first, most of us will be adults reading this…remember no one can tell you what to do but you. Others can influence your decision, but no one can MAKE you do anything. And if someone FORCES you to do something…drop that human out of your life, they have no place in it. That is what I did and look at me now. I listened to the woman in the #BOSS hat at Okeechobee, (she was on the security team not just some random) and holy shit did she remind me of my sister. I let her influence my decisions, and I reevaluated what I was doing with my nights and who I was spending it with. I will always have so much love for the people in my past, and I’m so grateful for all the lessons they have taught me, but some people just don’t have a place in my life anymore. I refuse to let anyone hold me back from pursuing my dreams. Please let these resonate, “BE FEARLESS IN THE PURSUIT OF WHAT SETS YOUR SOUL ON FIRE.” That is exactly what I am here doing, and I encourage you to do the same. That was my senior quote and I am realizing that She has guided me to do many things in my life (that She is still revealing it’s so dope) that have led me to exactly where I am, the happiest I have ever been while on this Earth. That quote was my senior quote, and at the time of choosing that quote I had so many others I was going to pick. (Thank you Universe and Margaret Grace for helping w the selection, YOU ARE MY PERSON. The Meredith to my Christina dude. More like my Froggies Windman to my F’real Pumpkin Cheesecake milkshake let’s be real here, omg I miss you my bff of how long…like 13 years lmao. I love you.) Can you believe I chose that one, and that it has fueled me to where I am today… Florida State University-the best school everrrrr, a working gal-just got hired to do what I love to do, spread positivity and write from the soul, and happy- something I have been striving for my whole life. Once you realize you are the only one in your own way you realize you can break the barricade and dance wild to the beat of your own journey. AHHH LIFE IS SO GOOD I’M SMILING WRITING THIS AHHHHH.

 On to another thing I am going to do with this blog, I have decided to take the initiative of #MAKINGFSUKINDAGAIN. Yes, boys and girls, or rather men and women since we should start to realize this is the beginning of our adult lives (let’s wake up and smell the roses people have your priorities right), and we need to start acting a little more like adults. I have taken it upon myself to start this trend and I won’t stop until FSU IS KIND AGAIN. And the best part is, once FSU is kind again, I’ll choose my next target audience (hello Mr. Solomon your class rocks and Advertising is definitely a part of my career path in the future. S/O to target audience, a term I learned in your class). But yes I have dreams of a world at peace filled with love and kindness and happy humans and pretty flowers and GOOD FUCKING MUSIC THANK GOODNESS. So how am I going to do this…? Lemme tell ya… I am going to pick up as many pieces of trash I see around campus hoping others see me and are inspired to do the same. I am going to spread the light I have within me everywhere and brighten others’ lives as much as humanly possible. Along with my light comes my positive vibes I believe myself to bring around, and if my positivity is bothering you, I hope you take a step back and realize POSITIVITY IS CAUSING YOU DISTRESS. CHANGE THAT.

 Anyways, I have a quick story and I hope you all listen up because you may be my next target (*insert Dracula laugh* harharhar) . I go to a school with a lot of frat boys and sorority gals. Greek life is huge here at FSU and that has many pros and many cons but that’s beside the point. Anyway, I don’t want my school to get in trouble so I won’t mention whatever group(?) these people are associated with, and I will be using different names. But pay attention to the first letters because I am a detail-oriented woman and you all will see that. ANYWAY story time, yesterday I went to a bar for Happy Hour (best day I love happy hour how you gonna be MAD at HAPPY hour lmk) and at HH I went to the clambox of a bar that FSU students will know exactly what bar I am talking about. At this bar a mean kid, let us call him AA because remember what I said earlier, this one’s even more specific but still so vague I love it..nevertheless, AA was A DOUUUUCHHHHEEEEEEE to me. We were at the bar and he would lower his glasses and say some rude shit. He fucking asked me if I was a prostitute like multiple times…. ME, LJ, a new woman of integrity, he asked me that. I was in a killer outfit too like it was honestly modest af and that bothers me even more because his comment wasn’t even relevant. Anyway, he was a douchebag stereotypical “frat boy” which has a negative connotation but wanna know why it has that connotation……. BECAUSE OF BOYS LIKE AA!!!!!!! So yeah he was so mean and so rude and here we go baby… Remember what I told you AA, you probably don’t because you black out every opportunity you get which is gross because you’re a senior with no goals and I’m not judging you I am spitting facts right now (Scorpio in me coming out oh boy) but yeah you need to WAKE.THE.FUCK.UP BOIIIIII because you will never get a job or a respectable woman in your life if you continue these habits. But anyway, do you remember what I told you, no?, okay I gotchu. I said these words right to your mean little face I said, “You’re fucking with the wrong girl.” And guess what everyone, I am a woman of my word so yaaaaaa AA, watch the fuck out who you’re fucking with because I’LL ROAST YOUR ASS IN MY NEW BLOG THAT’S GOING TO MAKE ME FAMOUS YAAA YEEEET BOIIII. And in all seriousness AA, I really do hope you wake up and change (omg Aquarius Rising LJ coming out [just googled Aquarius Rising Woman and found this on the link I put above “our personal destiny and soul function is ultimately related to the impulses toward progressive change, experimentation and innovative, creative thinking which reside in the collective psyche of your generation. You are a conduit for change, for awakening new thought.”] …. Holy shit like lmk if astrology isn’t real…kk wake up it is).  But seriously AA, awaken your soul my dude, you’re in my favorite frat, one I hope to be the first GDI gal to be Sweetheart for, and you’re giving my boys a bad name. Don’t black every time you go out, get happy drunk, and don’t be mean to women or anyone while we are at it, be niceeeee and pretty gals like me and all other gals who start with beauty from the inside will be attracted to you, we are the kind of girls you actually want to be with.

            So yeah, here we go, here is my blog, here is my soul on my sleeve, and I’m super excited to feature my friends and the stories I acquire on my journey, and I can’t wait to instill some positivity into the lives of the people around me and all the people who will see this because SHARESHARESHARE my friends!!!!! If you are my friend, or consider yourself my friend, or have spoken to me, or if I in any way have impacted your life, I am asking you please please share. I am ready to start my life, to put myself out there, and with your help I can. I plan to engulf everything on my path with the fire within me (FIRE SIGNSSSS WYAAAA) and I am ready to do that NOW. If not now….WHEN? Now that I have my attitude chosen, how I go about the next seconds/minutes/hours/days/months/years is what really matters. I am only 18 years of age, I am bound to make mistakes, hella mistakes, but if I’m starting at 18, where will I be at 19? I am ready to push my limits in success and respect my limits in life. That’s why I started this blog, so that it’s not a book just yet, so it won’t take as long to write (patience is a virtue which I am learning, but in the meantime, I’m not going to wait around when I can do something about my life). One of my new mottos is “Don’t complain about it if you aren’t doing anything about it.” Well Hi, I am Laurunce Rae (yupp no J we’ll get to that in another blog) Rosenthal and this is me doing something. I have confidence in myself and the people I have met on my journey, whether it be me just flashing you a smile or actually having touched your heart. Maybe I’ve improved your mood one day, or you were a victim of one of my random stranger conversations.  I am grateful for the people I have met and the places I have seen, and now I am ready to expand my horizons even more, see new lands meet new peeps. I hope you will join me on my journey. Spread the love my people and, of course, BE FEARLESS IN THE PURSUIT OF WHAT SETS YOUR SOUL ON FIRE.

Another thing before I end, Daddy, Mark Rosenthal, my huuuuummaaannnn. I adore you, you literally keep me going every.single.day. You are the funniest, most diligent, most resourceful, most reliable human in my life and I cannot wait to make you so so proud with what I do with my life. No one will ever top you my dude. NO ONE. I will never forget where I came from (peep the new back tattoo peeps, ROSENTHAL BABY… REMEMBER THAT NAME.) and I cannot wait to see where She leads me.

With so so so so much love,

Laurunce LJ Rosenthal ♌

[2centsofsilver]

12/4/17 - U of M

I'm here today. Sitting on the futon at CAPS. I'm waiting for a massage chair. I just high-tailed it like a mad woman out of the SSW. Kathryn Irish walked out the front entrance with me while I looked straight ahead. "I'm just gonna look straight ahead," I said "Not looking at anybody." "I do that too sometimes," she said. I gulped. We opened the door, passed through the upstairs commons, infiltrated with students in chairs. I looked ahead and then downward. Who recognized me? Surely they knew me.

We walked out the front door. We thanked each other for meeting and then we split. I high-tailed it down South University, faster than normal, because my heartbeat was pounding. "Who can see me? I hope they saw me with Kathryn Irish. I hope they didn't see me. I hope they're watching."

I walked fast, harder, harder. I had my stomach sucked in, flaunting my black feather Carly, teal Lindsey, and black scarf. I had done my makeup extra beautiful and straightened my newly colored hair dyed pink, red, orange, and purple. I had my hippie purse swung over my left shoulder, carrying my black winter coat in my left arm, laptop bag swung over left shoulder. No sunglasses today - facing the sun with pride.

Approaching the Law School, I look to my right. Along the sidewalk near the Art Museum, I see a bright green coat. They're walking with someone. "Anyone could have that coat," I tell myself. "Could be anyone."

They're walking across the pedestrian crosswalk of State St, turning into South U, same side of the road I'm on. She's walking with an African American girl. Green coat and Jahda. I was right. Savannah and Jahda. "What are you going to do?" I thought. "This is good," I thought. "All you wanted was for her to see you, run into you, see you doing well and thriving," I thought. "We're just gonna take it as it comes."

I look up, surely they see me. I look down toward my phone. Start randomly swiping. They are closer. I look up. They're smiling, so I smile. "This may be okay," I said to myself. "Savannah's smiling at me even though she's not talking to me."

"Hi Friend!" Jahda calls out. "Heyyyy!" I said, still walking with Katie-Class. We all come to a slowed halt.

"I like your hair!" Jahda yells. That made me feel good. "Thanks!" I smiled. I glanced at them both. Jahda was talking and I didn't mean to, but my panic started inadvertently toning her out. "What do I do?" I thought. Big frog in throat. Gulping. Dry throat. Can't swallow.

"Savannah."

She looks up at me, sincerely.

"Can we talk."

She's looking at me.

"Please."

She's looking at me.

"I'll send you a message," she says.

I look at her, never dropping eye contact.

"In person," I say. "Please."

It was like my world, everything going on around the outside world had froze. I wasn't breathing. I was looking at her, hoping. Praying.

She looked away, up, and around, thinking, pondering, giving in.

"I'll send you a message about scheduling a time to meet."

BOOM.

Glory!

I smiled. "Ok!" I said. I was radiating.

I put up my hands, slowly nodded, pausing the conversation briefly -

".... At, your, own, convenience. Your own space. I know you're busy."

"I'm so busy," she said. "This time in the semester, everything is crazy right now..."

"I know. I know. Everyone, is telling me all about it. I know."

There was a pause. I looked at them both. I can't remember if anything more was said. I began starting to get ready to walk again, shuffled my stuff. They started walking a few steps too. I turned around.

Like old times, I go, "I just met with Kathryn Irish!" Savannah gave me a look. Her usual look. That look we both share for Kathryn Irish like, "Wtf. Oh god."

"For 2 hours!" I shout.

Intensified look. Mouth open, rolling her eyes.

I think we all said bye and maybe, "We'll talk soon."

I continued to high-tail it. I was happy, yet distressed, knowing there's still a high chance to receive a message like, "Listen Katie. I don't think it's a good idea to talk in person. I think you're a great person, but we need to be done."

I also knew that her wanting to originally message would ABSOLUTELY yield that. But I hope she's willing to give me a chance.

I was crying in my car on the way here; well, on the way to the park-and-ride; over messages received this morning from someone else, after staying up till midnight writing an amazing letter and sending it in faith.

I talked to Rachel till nearly 2-3am. She asked if I've ever considered CoDa - Codependents Anonymous. I said I hadn't heard of it. We talked about my recent C-PTSD diagnosis and how it overlaps with codependency. I asked her how she could tell so immediately, after only brief sharing of information, that I suffered from codependency.

"I'm very perceptive," she said. "And I know a lot of people who went through the program. I'm also on the empath spectrum."

I got so excited!

"Omgggg, same here. Are you a psychic empath? I was going to ask you that earlier; I could tell. I am too."

"No I'm not. I've honestly never heard the term."

"Empath? Spiritual Empath?"

"No, Psychic Empath."

"Same thing, really. There's a really good article or 2 out there, I'll find them. The psychic part sounds crazy maybe. Idk. Depends what interests you and what you're open to. Spiritual empath is a better term. More comfortable.

I'll find them and send them to you. Basically being able to sense how others are feeling or feeling as if you know others well upon first encounter. If you google 'signs you're an empath' you'll have some good finds."

"I'll look into it," she said.

I asked her whether CoDa was religiously/spiritually oriented.

"Oh yeah, there’s tons.

"Yes, it’s a spiritual program. Whether that’s religion, and a certain god or deity, or just something greater than you like nature or the group."

"Ohhhh okay," I said. "I have a really strong spiritual connection to nature, but I'm not really connected to a god or deity. I'm not religious so I wondered whether it would involve turning away from depending on others and depending on god.

I have a spiritual connection to nature and then also loved ones in heaven.

I mean, I guess you could also say I turn to 'the universe.'"

"So my higher power is the spirit of the universe. I say God for short. It's very similar."

"That's awesome," I said. "Sounds peaceful."

"Knowing I’m not in control.. yeah, it is 😊"

"Interesting. I haven't explored spirituality very much. That's a larger than life concept though for sure. I feel like it would take me a long time to grasp that. I'm interested in exploring Buddhism."

"It's worth it," she said.

At 12 noon today, I met Rachel outside the SSW. She missed her morning class, but still met me at noon. We went off to the side and stood. I was nervous. It was the first time I'd seen her since she told me we could have sex.

She told me she couldn't sleep last night with the GOP Tax Plan, and thus decided to miss class. She began vaping, and we talked about the tax plan.

Alyssa showed up and began walking over. I quickly mentioned to Rachel, "So I sorta arranged this with 2 different people in case someone forgot..." Rachel laughed.

"This is Rachel, this is Alyssa," I introduced them to each other. We all talked a bit. "I'm so nervous!" I said.

"Awww you'll be fine. You can do it," said Alyssa.

"Did you meditate?" asked Rachel.

I sorta laughed.

"No, I didn't have time to meditate before this or last night.."

She laughed.

"You ready?" they asked.

"Um, yeah, so like, what should we do? What do you wanna do?"

"It doesn't matter," they both said.

"It's up to you," I said. "Should we all go up?"

"Yeah! Let's all go up," they said. "It's gonna be okay!

"Can we take the elevator? I'm not climbing steps," I said. They laughed. We opened the door. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed the highly infiltrated upper level commons. I hoped someone I know would notice me, supported on both sides, by friends. One- a girl I almost had sex with. The other, a new friend. Both supporting me. I was safe.

We walked toward the elevator, stepped inside. It went down first, then back up to 2. The doors got stuck and wouldn't open. "Omg this is my worst nightmare coming true," Alyssa said.

"Should we go up to 3 and then down the stairs?" someone asked.

"Let's try it again," both Rachel and I said.

It worked that time. I read the office number, 2764, from the email. Rachel led the way. "It's so confusing up here," said Alyssa. "I know," I said, "Easy to get lost."

Rachel found it Nd immediately popped her head in.

"Oh, hi!" exclaimed Kathryn.

"I'm sorry I wasn't in class. I couldn't sleep last night with the GOP Tax Plan," said Rachel.

Kathryn was super intrigued and understanding. I then hugged Rachel and said thank you. I hugged Alyssa, said thank you. "You're gonna be fine," they both said. We said goodbye. I walked in.

"Hi!" I exclaimed.

"Hi! Omg! It's so great to see you!" exclaimed Kathryn.

( TBC. )

---

5:08 PM = Saw Savannah outside SSW. I was approaching yet again and didn't know what to do. I already saw her once. I miss her so much. I just. I felt compelled to approach her. I had nothing to say, but had just spent the last 3 hours struggling through somatic trauma in Michigan Union.

"Savannah."

Didn't hear me.

"Savannah."

Didn't hear me.

"Savannah."

She turned around, just sorta looking at me. I stumbled.

"Um. Sorry. I just thought I would say hi. Because I was walking past you."

"Hi," she said. "What have you been up to?"

"Um. I had a meeting with Kirish today for a few hours."

She nodded.

I looked down. My voice was shaking and I was ready to cry.

"And um. Then I went to CAPS."

I looked up at her.

She was nodding and smiling like she genuinely cared maybe.

"And that's about it," I said. She nodded supportively and then was looking all around, car to car, in a hurry, saying "That's actually my uber, so I gotta go," (pointing and rushing), "But um, I'll get a hold of you when I have some free time from school and everything." "Yeah, okay, sounds good." And she went and caught her uber. I was frazzled and in a state of episodic shock having approached her without a purpose. I immediately got very depressed after that. I crossed the road. I couldn't go back behind me because Rachel was out there. She may have seen the whole thing. Alyssa and Erin had to have been out there. At least 3 separate 521/511 classes had just let out. All FLO members were there for the meeting which evidently was cancelled (reason why I was headed that way). For all I know, Kathryn Irish could have been out there. Max, easily. Brendon, Erica, Shelby, Erin, Alyssa, Rachel, Autumn, Amanda, Mitch, Kari, Danny, I'm sure they were all out there. I saw Haley!!! She was on the phone, but we both said hi. That was so nice. I miss her. I came that way knowing FLO had cancelled, but I wanted to be amidst it all. I wanted to feel a part of it all. I also did not want anyone to see me. After that, I didn't know which way to turn. Couldn't look behind me at all those potential people. Almost went to Espresso Royale, but didn't WANT coffee. Could have hit the diag, but WHY?? Could have gone to Gamma, but already established with Tyler I had no reason to. I was trapped. It occurred to me maybe she thought I went to CAPS to see a therapist, especially after receiving Max's letter. How much did she know????? Did she know they deleted me on FB? Was she apart of that decision? Did she support it? Does she want to do it too? Will she? Did she know I replied to their letter and send it last night? Had she read Max's letter? Did she read mine? Did she know Max and I communicated this morning? Did she know I still talk to Rachel? Did she know about Portland? Does she know how much this hurts? I ended up just walking back around like a moron, actually following her, but way behind, maintained a distance. She got into her uber, it took off, and I continued walking with blisters to the bus stop by the libraries I saw Autumn and stopped. I missed two 62's in a row. We talked about how things have been going. I was extremely distracted and anxious. She got on her bus and I walked back to the actual stop. I waited a while then realized I didn't want to stand on a crowded bus, so I walked BACK to the Union and waited for the next one. I cried very softly. Held myself. When my bus came, I got on and cried a little more. I stared into space after that and went away for the rest of the ride. By the time we got around to the libraries, we were packed. But my feet hurt from these boots. And I have a hole in my sock rubbing my foot raw on Central Campus. Now I'm in my car and have been for a half hour writing this in the State St. P&R lot. I'm about to head home and blog some more. I'm trying to tell myself I'm proud because had I not gone today, I never would have bravely approached Savannah. She knows I struggle. I'm sure she sensed anxiety and shame on that second encounter and she is genuine. I like to think she still cares even when mad at me. So I'm not too worried about her still thinking about this as deeply and thoroughly as I still am. It affected me strongly. I think it's what Amy calls a flashback maybe. I'm proud of myself for openly putting myself through the depression and fear involved in the day. I'm proud of meeting with Rachel, Alyssa, and Kathryn. I'm proud of myself for the winter of 2005, spring 2006, summer 2007, fall 2007, all of 2008, all of 2009, summer 2010, fall 2010, summer 2011, fall 2011, Western, summer 2013, fall 2014, spring 2015, spring 2016, fall 2016, summer 2017, fall 2017, and now.