#idek where this came from except i have a lot of feelings

[drdemonprince]

Your post about "transitioning to escape gender but then there's more gender" has been rotating furiously in my mind since I saw it. When I first realized I was trans at age 15, I identified as agender, but I knew I wanted to go on T and get top surgery so I decided it would be simpler to tell everyone I was a trans man and that just kind of became the truth. Now 10 years later I'm sorta starting to feel like I wanna actually be agender again, but the idea of an identity shift like that at my current age is terrifying and idek who I'd tell, or how I'd do it, and I don't think I wanna stop using he/him exclusively, and I have no idea why I'm telling *you* this other than that I'm scared to talk to anyone I know about it because it feels like somehow admitting that I was wrong about the gender I fought like hell to become, even though i don't really think that's the case I think my sense of self might just be continuously evolving... but I just wanna say you talking about having a gender shift like once every several years is helping me process this rn and feel like I'm not faking anything now AND wasn't faking anything before.

Dog i am right there with you. As a kid I always thought gender was bullshit, the coercive nature of it disgusted and scared me and I rebelled against it the best that I could. I loathed being assigned to any gender category, I never identified as a "girl", but I didn't really identify with any other category either. Puberty terrified me (and of course, it does most young people, but it felt like it would only more deeply entrench the category that I was assigned to in other people's minds, it made it more difficult to escape). I had trans friends as a teen but it did not occur to me to transition because there was really no end goal that I wanted to head toward, I just knew what I wanted to avoid and not experience. I coped mostly by degendering my body with a fairly androgynous style and way of presenting myself to the word and mannerisms, but also by starving myself which was not so great, and not sustainable. I considered transness for myself, even trying on a friend's binder and presenting masculinely at certain queer events, but it seemed to me at the time like just another way in which to obsess over gender, a foolish coercive socially constructed thing that i was trying to avoid.

In my 20s, I learned more about nonbinary people and figured that explained things pretty well. I was enamored with the transition journeys of some other trans people, largely trans women more than trans masculine ones (with some trans-effeminate faggot boy exceptions), but I still didn't want to take on all the expense and uncertainty and hassle of navigating the medical system for myself. I didn't think that the pursuit of being happy merited taking on so many risks or fiddling with myself so much. I saw it as an extravagance I didn't deserve, I guess, and I also couldn't locate a target outcome that seemed desirable enough for me. I was still dealing with an eating disorder and recovering from some trauma and didn't really think about my life in the long term. I guess I still don't, haha, whoops.

Eventually I came out as nonbinary, and nobody really gave a shit. There is a lot of useless, solidarity-breaking discourse that happens online about essentially who is "more" oppressed, binary trans people or nonbinary people, and a lot of that fight amounts to the two groups shouting about the ways in which they annoy one another without there being any cogent analysis of power and where oppression comes from (let alone how much those two categories overlap).

But I will say that being a they/them was far more difficult than being a trans guy socially and institutionally, because your identity is completely illegible to every system around you. "binary" trans people struggle under this too, but i have found there are some immense benefits to having a socially and institutionally legible target gender. nobody would fucking actually they/them me. not anyone. not even other trans people and queer people. there were no public gendered spaces for me. there were no spaces for me. there was no way to move through the medical system, professional life, and other public institutions as a nonbinary person. i was still just a cis woman in everyone's eyes. including the people who claimed to support me. and it was massively frustrating.

and so i think ultimately, i took my frustrations with not being at all able to escape coerced gendering as a nonbinary person and combined that with the affinity i do feel for queer men and the general sense of misery i was still experiencing in my life and decided what the hell, i'll round myself up to being a trans guy. i upped my T dose, i dressed more masculinely, i eventually got a super masculine hair cut that really squared off my jawline and got me gendered correctly, and i started more consciously inhabiting queer men's spaces.

and it was pretty dope. for a while. i felt the rush of having gotten away with something. when people effortlessly gendered as male i felt freed at last from the pressure to be a woman. i was no longer being coerced into being something that i was not. i had escaped the enforced category so much that people couldn't even see the history of that category being pushed onto me. there was relief.

but then. as always happens. people made little comments about my handshake being too weak for a man. the hypermasc dudes at the leather bar rolled their eyes at me and all the other effeminate dudes swanning around the bar. the people who picked me up off the apps or at the sauna would always let it slip, eventually, that they had a lot of experience with trans guys, or had most recently been dating all trans guys, and it would make me feel like a stock character to them, yet another category into which all kinds of assumptions had been projected. a type not a person. a few people said my haircut made me look like i was in the military or described me as actually masculine, which was equally jarring because it was so incorrect. people tried to affirm me by saying i was such a dude, i was such a man, i was such a fag, i was such a gay bro, pawing all over me leaving the mark of all their assumptions and oversimplifications behind. i had tried to run away from gender and there i was just BASTING all the time in everybody's goddamn assumptions about gender. trans people didn't talk about it any less than cis people did, they were just as fucking confining to be around.

it honestly feels really dirty. when people try to affirm your gender constantly and can't stop talking about it, when people look past you and see only your body, your history, or the role they have typecast you in, when people use your body as an outlet for their own gender or sexuality explorations, when they keep trying to measure every single facet of existence up into being masculine or being feminine or being toppy or bottomy or any other gendered type, it's claustrophobic.

as a trans man i tried playing this whole gender game and the second i started winning i began to feel even more disgusted with myself. it wasn't a victory or an escape, it was a capitulation. exploring with my identity and presentation has brought positive things into my life and my health has gotten better as a result, and i've made wonderful friends who, like me, are disaffected by this coercive gendering system. so i don't regret any of that. but trying to make myself legible under the existing gendered system was a fool's fucking errand. i wish i hadnt done it to myself and i wish i hadnt had it pushed onto me. to be clear, it was cissexist, binarist society that forced it onto me; even when other queer people coated me in their gendered assumptions that is obviously a byproduct of societal conditioning, and it's conditioning that ive reinforced in my own behavior and outlook toward others plenty of times too. we all do it, and we are all wronged by the existing coercive gender system.

i dont even care how i fucking identify anymore and i have no intention of changing pronouns again or anything, i'm so bored of it, i just actually want off this fucking thing. im not interested in trying to make others understand what i am anymore or in who i am even being simply categorizable, i dont want to obsess anymore over how i am perceived or to attempt engineer my appearance and mannerisms to broadcast an identity to anyone. i dont even want to fuck anybody right now at all because im so sick of how much that's a gender pantomime for people. i want off this fuckin ride man im so done.

it's kind of freeing, to hit this point of complete gender apathy, and i think it is a pretty common stage of identity development for a lot of queer people who have explored multiple identities and roles over time. there is no category that i actually am, or that anyone is, there are just the frameworks that society has given us to work with to understand ourselves, and the ways in which we flatten who we are to be able to make sense of the world using those frameworks. but who i actually am is so much more contextual and mutable than all that. i am a different person in the classroom than i am on the train platform than i am in the bedroom than i am cuddling on the couch than i am when i'm working out than i am when curled up on the floor crying than i am at a big furry convention. who i am continues to change as new people come in and out of my life and age and change and my body alters and as the weather turns. who fuckin knows man it's nothing and everything. i want to let it just be

[zanarkandfayth]

15 Questions

I was tagged by @ivorydice, thanks!

Tagging just... whoever. I don��t feel well and I don’t wanna think lmao

1. Are you named after anyone?

Well, I took "fayth" from Final Fantasy X because I adore the fayth so much and to me it's a gender neutral name. It started out combined with zanarkandfayth as a username idek when, late 2000s, and then just gradually evolved into me calling myself fayth. My legal name, no. My first name was apparently just easy for my dad to spell and my middle name is french because my mom likes the language. I hate both names and they can fuck off lol.

2. When was the last time you cried?

Uhhh... I have a hard time crying these days even though I want to. Almost did last night because surgery recovery has been a bitch, does that count?

3. Do you have kids?

Nope. Don't want them. I'm not even capable of taking care of myself, why would I want to be responsible for another human being? And I did not win the gene lottery and the world sucks, I'm not inflicting this miserable existence on someone else.

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Yes, though less than I used to because even sarcasm is effort and I'm tired.

5. What sports do you/have you played?

I liked basketball as a kid, and baseball, though I wasn't any good at either. I used to like to run. Uuuh I also did taekwondo as a kid for a couple years? idk if a martial art counts as a sport though.

6. What's the first thing you notice about other people?

Hair... idk it's usually the most noticeable thing to me. Except that guy who came through my line at DT once who was about seven feet tall, I definitely noticed his height first.

7. Eye colour?

Mine? Boring brown. Will forever hate it.

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings. I used to like/not mind scary movies when I was younger, but now I need the feel good chemicals. Also I don't watch movies anymore. Legit could not name the last movie I've watched at this point.

9. Any special talents?

Making my readers cry lmao. No, idk. What's considered special? What's considered a talent? I don't want to stand out.

10. Where were you born?

Southern US, the same miserable state I exist in now, good ole Tennessee, though I'm now at the opposite end of it from where I was born/grew up. It's worse on this end for sure.

11. What are your hobbies?

Writing, video games, cooking... I'd say reading but I don't do that as much as I used to. The guilt of not having the energy to comment on fics gets to me and so I just don't read at all instead :/

12. Do you have any pets?

A shithead named Max. He's a flamepoint siamese cat that an old neighbour rescued from where he'd been abandoned on the side of the road and me and my ex ended up taking him in. My ex named him (after mad max apparently and I hate his name lol) but he attached himself to me so when I kicked the ex out a couple years later for being an abusive cheating narcissistic asshole, Max stayed with me. He turned ten this May but he still zooms around the house like a kitten. I love him but my health problems have made it increasingly hard to take care of him so he's going to be my last cat.

13. How tall are you?

5'2, forever sobbing

14. Favourite subject in school?

English was the only one I really enjoyed just because it was so easy. When I did university for the third time (the one I actually graduated from lmao), I also really liked most of my sociology classes, enough to make it a second degree, and I liked my scottish history class. If I could afford a third degree it'd probably be in history.

15. Dream job?

At this point? Nothing. Being a stay at home husband (with no kids, yes), or being an eternal university student just taking classes and getting degrees for the heck of it would be my ideal. I would also like to try my hand at making my own video game, but a) I can't art for shit, and b) chronic fatigue makes even starting on learning coding too daunting. I don't even have the energy I want for my current hobbies.

[hibiscus02]

Explanations for each one down below. Feel free to defend these in the reblogs/comments

Junji Ito Maniac: I mean, do I have to explain this one? It's not like this is an unpopular opinion. It looks bad and it's boring.

Adachi to Shimamura: There's nuance here. This anime suffers from the unfortunate disease that plagues pretty much every Yuri anime (and a lot of anime in general); the relationship between the characters just doesn't get developed in the first season and, being a wlw anime, it was never gonna get a second one, so the whole show feels pointless by the end when nothing of major significance happens.

Japan Sinks 2020: Not a lot to say about this one, which is exactly the point. I don't remember a single thing about this anime except 'art style pretty', which is usually a bad sign.

Aoi Hana: Suffers from the same disease as the previous Yuri anime, but with the added complication of just. also being boring. And more than half of the anime ends up being about one of the protagonist's relationships with a man, which is not what we came here to see.

Sing "Yesterday" For Me: Pretty sure I'm actually the problem here. Idk, it just didn't click for me, I wasn't invested in the characters at all.

Devilman Crybaby: Listen, listen. I know everyone loves this show. I will say that I haven't seen it since it was released, so maybe my opinion of it would change upon rewatch. But it was?? So uncomfortable and gross and mean-spirited??? I didn't even understand the story, it was just weird shit happening on screen and then most of the characters die and then it was over.

Terror in Resonance: It's been like, idek how many years at this point, so I don't remember why I don't like this show, I just know that I don't. I think I mostly had issues with the ending, but don't quote me on that.

Mirai Nikki: Another nuanced take! This is the only show on this list that I've actually rewatched, and that does count for something. Mirai Nikki is, objectively, a bad show, but it's also so goddamn hilarious when you're not taking any of it seriously. It's trash television, but I think any piece of media can be 'bad', so long as it's still entertaining.

Diabolik Lovers: ...I have no excuse for having watched two seasons (???) of this show, except for the fact I was 12 and repressed, apparently. Guilty of the crime of being cringy, but from what I remember, it's mostly harmless trash.

Hand Shakers: If you were in the same anime circles as I was when this thing came out, you know it's been decimated to hell and back, even having a roast video done by Mother's Basement. So I have no idea what possessed me to watch it in the first place, but I remember it being a guilty pleasure of mine. Not really as bad as everyone said it was, y'know? Then again, I'm known to have pretty mediocre taste for certain things.

Mekaku City Actors: Where's my Kagerou Project fans at? I was obsessed with the (so very convoluted and confusing) story of the music videos, and apart from also reading the manga, this was a natural step to take, despite the reviews. It's...alright? I think? Honestly, nothing about it stuck with me, apart from the banger opening song, so

Izetta: The Last Witch: Thought I would get some great gay subtext out of this, and hey, it does deliver, but said gay subtext comes wrapped in a war story with lots of made-up politics that did not interest me at all.

[m1ckeyb3rry]

Less than 12 hours this is actually insane….also wait from the previews the additional time also looks a lot less crusty???? Or maybe it’s just me LMAO either way SOO EXCITED

SHSAHS Tullia out here living her best life I fr forgot for a second that otoya also has a sad backstory his dumbass moments that we’ve talked about just outshine it LMAOOO Nagi’s story fr has me in tears though wdym his house burned down?!?! Ok anyways YES that’s exactly the vibe I was thinking of I just had no idea how to word it LOL Yukimiyas team definitely has an insane level of respect for him and all the training they’ve done through together while hioris is more like “we’ll be your parents” LMAO

LMAOOOO aegislash being the director of the pursuit office au im crying that would be so funny otoya flaming the hell out of tillie and Karasu eulogy quote have me crying

OH FR?? Hopefully that also means less ugly pokemon but we’ll see LOL mega flygon would be so cool I definitely remember people making fan designs for it when megas first came out and some of them go hard

Wait the interteam pokemon dynamics and relations have me spiraling into more universe expansion LMAO first we have garchomp and nidoqueen taking care of babies together and now hydreigon altaria unrequited crush HAHAHA also otoya just straight up not knowing ampharos can mega has me rolling like for all that time he just didn’t know it was possible where even aikus like “lmaoooooooo you dumbass”

DEPRESSED VIBE reading this has me laughing but you’re so right if aiku wasn’t so, well, aiku LMAO then the stubble probably wouldn’t feel as off

No fr when you start touching grass it hits you hard LMAO but the more I think the more I feel like this is an opp….we’ll see if my premonition is correct LOLL

Omg the best dynamic they fight like arch rivals but the moment someone talks shit they’re like “uh. Nuh huh that’s MY rival only I get to say shit to them”

YOU GOT THIS!!! But also take it easy!!! Rewind a bit while watching s2e1 I still can’t believe we’re almost there

IT WAS A THIRD DUDE wait I think you mentioned the third dude briefly before but not the spicy white comment I’m crying talk about a night to remember omg wait sorry I’m laughing too much “oh it’s some Indian thing” “yeah I’m Indian” BYEEEEE bet she was speechless when she saw you at the event omg I can’t

- Karasu anon

THE ADDITIONAL TIME PREVIEWS LOOKED REALLY GOOD i was laughing idek the context but just karasu and nagi going 😐 at each other while otoya and shidou are up to some bs in the background is SO them HFJSJDJ notice how yuki and rin weren’t involved that’s because they’re the only normal ones (well rin debatable but yuki yes) 😭 i’m super excited too AHH based on the previews the art style looks really nice!! less than six hours away now omg…

LMAOOO tullia fr has no problems i was lowkey considering coming up w smth tragic for her but honestly having one normal character might be beneficial to throw into further relief how insane the rest of the cast is 😫 otoya himself is stupid but his backstory is tragic…ngl in the actual story though he’s not quite as much of a dumbass although he does get scammed by chris prince and is crazy for literally every woman (except reader and tullia) he meets he’s also surprisingly mature and chill when the situation calls for it!! he def has his moments where he’s giving cool wise adult (although most of those scenes go to karasu tbh) FDJFJHD NAGI HAS ME CRYING TOO my poor baby…why must he suffer in this way…i say as if i’m not the one who’s making him suffer to embody the themes of the story 😭 yeahhh with yuki’s it’s kind of like his team thinks he has nothing left to prove and if he wants to/needs to do contests now then that’s what they’ll do and NOBODY better say anything without even knowing what he’s going through!!! meanwhile hiori it’s like “oh this little boy has zero parental figures we must adopt him and make him our own” actually lowkey you know what would be cute is if yayoi kinda takes hiori under her wing (pun not intended) when he’s younger and looks out for him when she can?? this both contributes to how tabito knows him as well as his inferiority complex (why does yayoi like hiori more) because he doesn’t understand why yayoi is nice to hiori and not him meanwhile she’s just trying to be the sole kind adult-ish person in the kid’s life 😟 maybe she’s the one who gives him ducklett as a reason to get him to come to the gym more often or smth (it was originally supposed to be tabito’s hence why it’s so sassy but yayoi thought it would do hiori more good)

the best thing about aegislash is with its inclusion you can truly have any au you want within pursuit since it canonically can manipulate people like that and seems to enjoy common manhwa tropes like isekai 😭 it WOULD be the one to just put reader and co in an office au randomly and probably would do so if it wasn’t terrified of houndoom and hydreigon LMAOAAO

a lot of the fan megas are so cool!! i’ve seen a lot of fan designs for a mega lapras too that would be really fire…we’ll see what comes out though ig HDSKJSSJ

I LOVE COMING UP WITH INTERTEAM DYNAMICS lowkey hydreigon just like its trainer in that sense because altaria is also lowkey nagi coded in a way HFSJJDBS they’re both into white fluffy creatures 😭 ig y/n did raise it from a deino it probably considers her its mother (and somehow…otoya is the father…since he helped her bust the ring and all i think hydreigon has a TON of respect for otoya it probably ships reader with him too) hence why it’s so similar to her in the most random aspects KDFHSJSJ lowkey i feel like another dynamic i see working is altaria being obsessed with one of karasu’s birds (probably talonflame) meanwhile the bird just kinda side eyes altaria because it doesn’t want to be on hydreigon’s bad side LMAOO also aegislash def loves reo for some reason because they both read villainess isekai manhwa

YOU CANNOT TELL ME OTOYA WOULD NOT BE THE ONE TO NOT EVEN REALIZE his ampharos had the mega stone and everything and kept trying to mega evolve and otoya would just be like bro wtf are you doing get your head in the game we’ve got a battle to win!! ampharos almost requests to be traded to nagi (idk why but mareep line is also very nagi coded lowkey otoya’s team is just nagi lite)

YEAHHH that’s what i’m saying like the stubble isn’t giving young fun flirty attractive soccer player it’s giving middle aged man in a crisis but caveat is that it’s only attractive on said middle aged men!! also i think the connotation is diff like irl a fully grown man with stubble is attractive especially if they (like barou) are attractive already but a teenager/early twenties man with stubble is hard to pull off without looking nasty 😭

i’ll give you that it is an opp because the breakdown is almost 50% opps so that doesn’t clarify it much HDJSJS ngl the story isn’t hard to write at all but i keep getting distracted and going on my phone after writing like two lines so i haven’t been productive in the slightest LMAOAAO it will be done soon though i hope…mostly because i want to write for karasu again i haven’t written him in soooo long 😔

IT TRULY WAS AN INSANE NIGHT the other day i plugged my digital camera into my phone and i found photos from that night that i don’t remember taking/being taken LMAOAOA there’s one of me where i’m lowkey serving but you can lowkey tell there’s nothing behind my eyes (ofc i made it my insta pfp it’s kinda cunty) i would show you but i don’t want somebody random to click on this and get the privilege of seeing my face HFBDSKSJS anyways yeah the girl was so shocked to see me she was like what are you doing here i was like?? same thing you are?? anyways…

[fantasticcloudcreation]

Sep 21

Holy moly what a fucking DAY!

- slept in the brewery parking lot last night, mostly chill except for some random car that came into the lot at 2am, sketched me out but they left and didn't come back, slept alright otherwise. Had some weird dreams I think but I can't remember them now.

- started out with cool weather and then quickly got hot; left side of my body is a lil sunburnt from the car window lol but it's like a balance between covering up to block the sun vs overheating bc I'm covered up. Gotta get my AC fixed... Phone was overheating so I had to hold it up to get airflow pretty much the whole way haha.

- spent like 2 hours just zoning out having a conversation with myself in Spanish lol realized I need to learn more vocab and brush up on conjugations but for the most part I remember a lot and could probably hold a conversation with a real person if they're patient about it 😂 some nice fall leaves/scenery along the drive, otherwise I kinda zoned out for most of it. Wished I had left earlier so I could be meandering around the backroads instead of the highway, maybe next time.

- oh also my vape ran out of juice yesterday so I stopped at a vape store at one point? Telling myself that this is the last one and I'm not gonna get another one... We'll see 🙃

- around 4pm stopped at a rest area to start browsing for campsites, phone died, wouldn't charge and wouldn't turn on again; drove a bit down the highway, saw a sign for a visitor center (some random cemetery, idek?) asked the lady if she could look up directions to the nearest Verizon store but she was old and was like, "i don't know??" But she looked it up, tried to describe it, I'm like girl if you just look at Google maps I can write it down... But didn't want to be rude about it lol but she's like, it's near the Casey Jones village, just take that exit and go north, it's near target... So I drove like 30 minutes down the highway, van doesn't do regular radio apparently so I normally use Spotify but obviously couldn't with my phone dead, so I'm just singing the grateful dead Casey Jones song to myself the whole way lol. Followed her directions, found the place pretty easily.

- spent 2.5 hours in the Verizon store getting a new phone, which I was planning to do soon anyway since I've had this one since 2018 and it was my exbf's before he got a new one and gave me this one; wasn't planning on doing it in the middle of this road trip and didn't think it was gonna take so long lmfao but whatever. Verizon guy was really nice, we chatted the whole time, he was definitely into me but was very polite about it. Awkwardly gave me his number when I was leaving, it was very sweet and nice :) idk if I'll ever see him again but I texted to say thanks for helping, always good to know nice helpful people in various locations around the country haha

- at this point it's 7pm, all the nearby campgrounds are closed so I can't call the office and the website won't let me book anything for tonight online; so guess where I ended up??? Fucking cracker barrel again! Can't seem to avoid it haha. But, grateful that it's always there as a nice friendly backup plan :) actually went inside and had dinner this time, I always get the option where it's like a plate of four side dishes, I got steamed broccoli, a baked sweet potato (not loaded, just butter), mac & cheese, fried apples, and it came with corn bread. Only ate the broccoli and half of the sweet potato, half of a piece of cornbread, tried some bites of mac and cheese and the apples but was pretty full at that point and wasn't feeling it. Also a bud light & a glass of water. Before that, all I had eaten today was a granola bar and a bag of Doritos and 2 Celsius green teas lmfao I was feeling shaky so dinner was the right decision.

- now it's 10pm, I'm fucking Tired. It's hot in the van and I kinda have to pee but I'm ignoring it. Gotta drive further tomorrow than I was planning but there's a nice looking park like halfway from here to where I'm going so I'll try to stop there and get one more night of nature camping before being in the city for a month; would've been nice to be in a park tonight too but c'est la vie! Gonna have to drive more on Monday than I wanted to but it is what it is, glad I gave myself at least a little bit of buffer time to get there, would've sucked to have to call the boss and tell him I can't make it to the first day... So it's working out, never as planned but always in unexpected ways :) for example, if I had left earlier and was meandering around the backroads, it would've been a lot harder to find a Verizon store without a GPS lol. Things work out!!

- grateful that I have money saved up for things like this and it wasn't that stressful to dump a bunch of money on a new phone. Grateful for the nice lady at the visitor center and that the store was easy to find and the guy in there was friendly. Grateful that there's cracker barrels all over the country and they let you sleep in their parking lots. Grateful that Google makes it easy to transfer all your data from one phone to another, I just had to sign into my account and everything is exactly the same as my old phone, all my photos and messages are still there, just with some cool extra features that I get to play around with now (the new camera??? Omg so excited.) Grateful that I still have an extra day to get there and I don't need to drive 12 hours tomorrow and I can have one more night of camping before hoteling in the city for a month. Grateful that I have some camping neighbors in this parking lot tonight and they seem chill, I can see one guy in the RV nearby watching a movie with the window open lol, last night I was alone which always makes me jumpy. Grateful that I'm about to go make like $4k at the next gig and the phone expense is just a drop in the bucket. Grateful that gas is so cheap rn, I've spent like half of what it cost the last time I did this drive. Grateful that I have such a cool job and I get to drive all around the country and do fun exciting work when I get there!!!!! Verizon man said he's barely ever left Tennessee in his whole life and hasn't taken a vacation in years ?? Grateful that I have the opportunity to pursue this silly lifestyle and that there's always nice people around helping me work out silly situations like this.

- like, god damn, life is so fucking good.

- what's the best way to give back to the world??? How do I thank all these nice people that have helped me with my silly situations? How do I pay it forward?? Like yeah I help create music festivals which is a magical experience for a lot of people but only if you have money to attend, take days off work, travel etc. What can I do for people like Verizon man, or that nice guy at Firestone 2 years ago who had never left Arkansas? Idk. I'll keep pondering. I need to make that a priority though, figuring out how to give back to the world and to all the random people who've contributed to my life. I wouldn't have made it even half this far on my journey without the kindness of random strangers.

- anyway, if you read this entire thing, I love you, thanks for being here ❤️ Like this post if you want bc I'm convinced nobody reads anything I write on here hahaha

[shadowsong26fic]

Random Crossover Notes

I don't intend to actually write this (even as an AU outline; at least not yet; I'm hoping it will either die and/or interest some of the maybe five people who are invested in both fandoms enough to be worth exploring further, lol).

But it came bursting back into my head tonight and in an effort to get it out, going to ramble a bit!

This is a Wheel of Time/Battlestar Galactica crossover. (Of the...it's not a fusion exactly; and it's not a 'the Fleet stumbles across this world' direct crossover; it's 'characters from BSG exist and have always existed on this planet and fit into the fabric of this world'. That kind of crossover. the second kind could Also be interesting but that is another problem I Do Not Need

This includes decisions about:

Baltar

Caprica

Tory

Roslin

Billy

Starbuck (though not much)

Some speculation/vague thoughts about Lee and Zarek

Also includes an OC of mine.

Part of why I don't intend to actually Write It is I don't...really have all that much yet.

This did originally exist 10-15 years ago; back when I wrote a single one-shot and had plans for a much longer AU in WoT and was active in BSG fandom. Accordingly, it's more aligned with book!verse than show!verse, though I'd probably bring in some show!verse stuff I liked if I were actually writing the thing. How many of the original details I'm actually remembering (beyond the First Concept Idea) and how are new as of the past few hours, IDEK. It does also involve an OC of mine because screw it, this is my self-indulgent BS, I wanna.

((She could probably be cut in this case but. Again. Mine. I wanna. XD))

Anyway.

So, as with a lot of my initial Concepts, this starts with Baltar. Obviously, he's a channeler.

He's also Seanchan.

He's da'covale, but da'covale to a Very high-ranking High Lord, meaning he has higher status than some of the Lower Blood. He has yet to be identified as a channeler.

My OC, as usual, is Atia, his daughter. She's marath'damane and is well aware of what she is. She's...been raised in this culture, and wouldn't resist the searchers/sul'dam when they come for her...except she's aware of what her father is. She doesn't like the idea of him being gentled/killed and while there's only so much she can do to help she feels like she has to do Something.

Caprica is a sul'dam, in service to the same High Lord/Lady as Gaius and Atia. She and Gaius meet and fall in love with each other; at some point she twigs onto either him or Atia, and the three of them run away together. Not sure if they manage to find a place in the Return fleet or if they cross the ocean All By Themselves, but.

And then at Some point they run into some subset of the WoT cast but...yeah, this is pretty much as far as I got XD Gaius would probably eventually end up at the Black Tower. He and Caprica would probably be Very Into the idea of Warder-bonding each other when they get there.

...and yeah, that's about as far as I got, lol. Figuring out where other BSG characters might fit into this world is...complicated, lol. Partly because only half-remembering the tapestry of cultures/alliances/etc.; partly because in a couple of cases there are roles that would fit An aspect of a character but Very Much Not others (e.g., I can honestly see Lee aligning himself with Galad's subset of the Whitecloaks except there is zero chance of Bill as a Whitecloak sooooooooo yeah. Athena would be either another sul'dam or Aiel, I can't decide which works better. ...actually, Aiel; she and Boomer are both Shaido but Athena breaks with her clan when the Aiel fracture? Or something...)

Anyway, if anyone else has any thoughts I'd appreciate them XD

ETA: So I myself had some additional thoughts, lol.

First--Starbuck and Mat. They just. They would either be Instant Bros or Thoroughly Despise One Another there is no in between. They're just. Like. If I was doing a Fusion, Starbuck would 100% fill the Mat role, they are so much alike and I love them both for it. Anyway, I lean towards timelining it so they can be Bros because that's way more interesting/fun for me personally. See above re: self-indulgence, lol. (They have also slept together at least twice.)

Second--Zarek might actually be interesting as a Whitecloak. Not in the sense that he fully believes/buys into their rhetoric, but...I don't know, it could fit his blend of 'I believe some of this, but I'm also using it as an avenue to gain Power.' And again with the Lee vibes, especially if Lee starts Considering joining as part of the storyline, even if he doesn't start there? IDK though, I keep going back and forth on this one.

Next, Roslin. I toyed with a few different options for her. She's definitely not an Aes Sedai; initially I was thinking she might be the head of one of the groups like the Kin (if I'm remembering the name right? The women who were rejected by the Tower and formed their own quiet underground networks) or an Aiel Wise One. But then I realized--you know who absolutely is an Aes Sedai?

Tory (probably Grey ajah, maybe White).

So then it all falls into place. We squeeze a little country/principality somewhere onto the map; normally the ruler there wouldn't merit an Aes Sedai advisor, but after a messy/disputed succession, Siuan did agree to send someone, and that someone was Tory. Billy, of course, is Roslin's son/heir.

Still thinking about where anyone/everyone else might fit, but also this line:

Caprica--In the end, we're not much more than thieves. We stole a damane. We stole an a'dam. ...we stole ourselves.

...so yeah. XD And now opening it up for additional thoughts.

[trannykong]

will you tell the story of driving nearly an entire day for a kiss?

Okay it was a little exaggerated 😅

Back in 2021 I, like so many others, was having a bit of a hard time staying alive and I really consider that February to be the lowest point my mental health ever had the displeasure of reaching, plus I was emotionally raw from a previous relationship.

I met someone online around that time who lived down in LA and we quickly formed a fun dynamic where we’d just pretend to fight all the time. I’d send lots of quick lil videos throughout my day but we weren’t dating but we might as well have been.

April rolls around and I’m like “Hey I’m driving 10 hours to go to the Bay Area for a weekend in June, maybe I could visit you in L.A. for the rest of the week?” which is only an extra 6 hours to the trip but 🤷‍♀️ plus it was right after the covid vaccines came out so everything was kinda perfect

June comes, visit my friend, start makin’ my way down, get nervous thinking how I’ve never been so far from home while alone, almost turned back even!! I ended up out in front of their house though and when they came out I was too excited to do anything except smile. After like 30 seconds of awkward talking I lunged for a hug and made them spill their soda water

We went straight to the shed out back behind their house and just were talkin. I couldn’t keep up w/ our Hate Based Dialogue, it felt weird in person so I was just kinda quiet.

They mentioned that they kinda wanted to go to the store and I was like hey cool I’ll come w/ and they said they wanted to go alone and I was just stunned, like my whole person just felt cold as they walked out of the shed leaving me alone. I went to lie down and go to sleep when like a minute later they came back and were like “forgot somethin”

I just was like oh okay cool! and tried to go back to sleep and they immediately were like “that was a bit it was a bit are you sad omg im sorry” and started making fun just like “oh so i leave and your tactic is ‘🥺 im SAAAAAD i will lie down to get sympathy and seem pathetic’ youre a joke” and at that point I was feelin better knowin they were just fuckin around. Their deadpan humor far exceeeded mine which was kinda fun but jesus 😵‍💫

we spent the rest of the day in bed just watching movies while they just gave me a massage for what was like idek how many hours. Let friends know I was safe and that I’m glad I came, fall asleep.

I arrived Monday morning, come wednesday evening I’m crying because I’m like “the weeks half over, what time I have left with them is less than the time I’ve already spent. I don’t want to go home” ‘cause at home I just didn’t feel loved it was all very sad (everything regarding my 2021 home issues have been completely and entirely resolved. Me & my friends are built different)

We spent the first couple o’ days outside in San Diego swimmin’ around and walkin’ at night and sleeping on some pretty uncomfortable concrete then when we got back to LA we just stayed in for the most part ‘cause there was a heatwave and temps were up to like 110 and it just sapped me of all energy. It was nice though we just got to laze around all day in their mom’s shitty house that was falling apart (their mom wasn’t home for the week.)

I was meant to leave Friday so I could go home at a safe pace, but I resolved to stay another day as I didn’t want to fucking leave!! But I had work Sunday so my drive home Saturday had to be in one shot which took me 13 some odd hours ‘cause I had a lead foot and didn’t want to sleep in my car at a rest stop alone and w/o bed stuff

Anyway they talked me out of breaking up with them the following November and proceeded to nearly destroy my life through manipulative guilt trippy bullshit. Great musician though

[tari-aldarion]

AO3 link

Steve realizes he’s in love with Tony two months after Siberia. He sees dark hair, a flash of sunglasses from across the street and has an instant of joy, before disappointment sets in as the man turns around to reveal his face. The visceral feeling of regret and loneliness that follows is so sharp that Steve can’t breathe around it for a moment, swallowing everything down and hurrying away. Tony could always twist him up until he was yelling, laughing, screaming, smiling.

The moment that he recognizes the dark warmth resting heavy on his heart is like a punch to the gut. He feels unbalanced without Tony there to challenge him, draw him out of his dark thoughts and push away the guilt that haunts him at night.

He misses Tony.

He regrets a lot of things but acknowledging the complicated feeling that sometimes feels like it’s been inscribed deep into his bones only after all the pain and struggle sometimes overwhelms him with grief.

-

Tony always knew he loved Steve.

Steve smiled, chuckled and Tony thinks oh. okay. and soldiers on.  

He loses Steve, (but he doesn’t and yet, why can he hear those words echo through him every time he closes his eyes) and the sorrow that engulfs him at the very thought drives him to reckless decisions, to Ultron, to more guilt.

He locks it away.

They fight and he’s shredding apart, piece by piece. He can’t find the words to explain, to make Steve understand, and he feels desperately and unavoidably alone.

Steve lies to him and he breaks.

When his breathing slows enough to let the last of the panic attack fade, Tony lets the cold seep into his bones and waits for his rescue. He takes all the pain and love that is now irrevocably tied together and locks it down, puts it in a box and never brings it out.

The package arrives and Tony doesn’t know how to react to the letter. He means to put the battered old phone in a drawer and never pull it out, but somehow it ends up in his pocket anyway.

-

Pepper knows. They get engaged and Tony refuses to lie to her. She smiles at him sadly and tells him, “I know, Tony. I always knew.”

Tony absorbs that revelation and then makes sure she knows that it’s done. It’s in that box locked away in his mind and it’s not coming back.

He’s done.

-

They go to space.

Tony says that he saw this coming and a strange mixture of vindication and sorrow is warring through him as he makes plans to save the world.

They lose and he survives, his deepest fear realized before him as he bleeds out on a strange planet, a caustic guilt and anger at the unfairness of it all gnawing at him. Focusing on getting home with Nebula helps; he’s always felt the most useful when he’s able to fix something, even if it’s just watching her soften around him as the days go by.

He meets Carol and he’s weary. Steve is there and all he can think is I needed you. Pepper cries into his shoulder and he grips her tightly, refusing to let go of this lifeline he desperately needs.

Steve questions him and Tony snaps, the resentment and bitterness clawing at his throat as he spits out the words that he had locked away so tightly. Steve could always get to him like no one else, rip him into jagged edges and reckless mistakes that he regrets a minute after it happens.

-

This isn’t how Steve imagined it going.

He stands through Tony’s anger with a quiet acceptance that surprises even him and refuses to let himself react to the vitriolic words Tony flings at him. He’s tired, so tired, and he just wants his team back.

He misses the easy camaraderie of those first few years. He dreams sometimes about finding Bucky earlier, bringing him into the Avengers. Tony fixes him and they stay a family, no fighting, no pain.

He always wakes up from those dreams with dry eyes and no matter how much the tears fight to come forward, he can’t seem to summon up the energy to let them fall. They lost and he has to move on.

But he can’t.  He tells Natasha what he’s learned the hard way: they don’t get the luxury of moving on. They lost. They didn’t keep their promise. They didn’t save the world.

Scott shows up and Steve hates himself for latching on to hope so easily, so quickly after everything that happened. He hasn’t seen Tony for years (not since the wedding that Steve stoically stood through, giving Tony the brightest smile and most genuine congratulations that he could summon through the pain choking him) and the thought of fixing everything alongside his love friend excites him.

Natasha gives him a knowing look as he throws on the leather jacket and he refuses to blush.

-

Tony’s happy and Steve can’t even bring forth the resentment he feels he should have after he sees the soft, loving look Tony gives his daughter. Tony’s retired, he’s done, and Steve has no right to drag him back into the fray when he has so much to lose.

He stands outside the compound, hopelessness threatening the fragile hope he had been building since Scott showed up on the cameras. But Tony comes back. He arrives with a solution and forgiveness that Steve never even thought to ask for. He can’t help the way his eyes soften, and his lips tug up in a fond smile.

They fall back into old habits of banter and flirting. Tony makes a comment about his ass and Steve feels something slot back into place in his chest. There’s a part of him that almost doesn’t want this to end because he refuses doesn’t want to lose Tony again.

He trusts Tony with his life, he always did, and they land in the 1970’s with a jolt and a plan. The silence before they can get into Camp Leigh threatens to overwhelm them, but they never were ones to shy away from the hard topics.

They talk. Finally.

Steve refuses to wait another moment and admits what he figured out years ago when he first lost Tony. Tony shakes his head, tears threatening to fall. “I always loved you,” he tells Steve, years of missed opportunities and longing reflecting back in his eyes.

It’s too late for them and Steve knew this already but god, it hurts to have Tony say it to him, no matter how soft and full of pain it is.

-

Tony snaps and Steve loses him for good.

He can’t.

He won’t.

He refuses.

This can’t happen.

He can’t live here with the anguish and the memories and Morgan who reminds him so much of Tony. Her curiosity, mischievous smile, and quiet strength under the weight of her father’s death showcase the absolute best of Tony and Pepper combined. She doesn’t know Steve outside of the stories her dad told her and Steve smiles at her through his tears.

He and Bucky are inseparable as they wade through the recovery process, and he’s overjoyed to have his friend back. The years between Shuri’s genius fixing Bucky’s battered mind and the fight for their world against a purple monster full of hubris and power gave them time to heal and talk and figure things out.

So when Steve volunteers to take the stones, Bucky just looks at him knowingly.

He never could hide anything from Bucky.

He lets Steve go with a smile and a quip, standing tall with Sam at his back and Steve knows they’ll be okay.

He stands on the platform, everything ready to go, his heart beating a constant echo of Tony Tony Tony Tony, his choice made long ago with a smile and a quiet we won.

He holds his breath and leaps.

[cheegu3]

~ Yandere Hyunjin - X31 [CULT SPECIAL 2/2 PTS]

tw / trigger warning: yandere themes, cult themes (brainwashing etc), violence, blood/gore, murder, disturbing themes, swearing

wc: 3k

a/n: so I’m a bit tipsy and wrote this just like really quickly idek what’s going on or if this is shit lmao sorry, I will proofread this tomorrow mwah love u

summary: the gang from your hometown that you knew as criminals had now kidnapped you and as they take you to their destination you soon find out they’re actually a cult, will you be able to escape or will you become their pet forever?

‘‘ You’re..them ‘‘ you muttered at last somehow sounding disbelieved.

‘‘ You must’ve known right? At least a part of you knew all along ‘‘ he answered with a smirk.

‘‘ You must’ve known right? At least a part of you knew all along ‘‘ he answered with a smirk.

You huffed.

‘‘ If I knew, don’t you think I would’ve fought back harder than I did? ‘‘ you looked at him coldly.

‘‘ Well actually- ‘‘ he leaned in closer to you, so close that you could see your own reflection in his crazy, empty brown eyes.

‘‘ I think you wanted this ‘‘ he adds.

‘‘ W-what are you fucking crazy? ‘‘ you exclaimed hysterically, the panic was overtaking your body every second that passed.

He nodded and the smirk was back again as if he enjoyed seeing you like this. You bet he had seen way worse captures of his, who suffered a lot more.

‘‘ You want to know why? ‘‘ he asked tauntingly.

He didn’t even give you a chance to answer before he went on.

‘‘ You’re a lonely pathetic woman in her 20s. You have no job, no money, no boyfriend or husband and no family ‘‘ he said this in such a mocking manner that it took you aback. You felt like your whole body went cold, like you were an insect under his magnifying glass and after he had inspected you he crushed you.

This was all too much for you. You tried the best that you could to turn away from him, sort of looking out the window - only, all the windows were covered up and you assumed it was to make you feel disoriented and not see where you were. It was smart, you’d admit that. On top of that the leader had kept you occupied so you didn’t even get the chance to feel what ways the car was turning to somehow name your location.

He didn’t say anything more for the rest of the ride except for a low,

‘‘ I’m Hyunjin. The leader ‘‘

Then he left you alone, you weren’t sure if he was watching you but it sure felt like his eyes never left you, even when you were turned so that you couldn’t see him in the corner of your eye, the feeling of his gaze lingered.

Not long after, the van came to an abrupt stop throwing you forwards slightly. The doors were slid open revealing the familiar guys from before. Only three of them were in the doorway now though, one shorter one with freckles, the other shorter one with a mean and stern looking face and one that looked like a golden retriever. As you looked at them you wondered how they had ended up here in this gang. They were once normal people just like yourself, what happened to them? Perhaps...they were kidnapped like yourself and they would try to make you one of them?

‘‘ Get out ‘‘ the mean looking one barked at you and then said to Hyunjin ‘‘ We’re here master. Everything is ready ‘‘

The leader reached over again to unbuckle your seatbelt but he wasn’t really looking at you this time, he seemed to be in a hurry. In fact he seemed to be so stressed when you had stepped out that he swept you off your feet. You yelped in surprise but he wasted no time, walking straight away towards the buildings doors. 

It looked like it was some kind of abandoned church. It was worn down and dark, covered in graffiti and had several white sheets covering up the window. You shivered at the creepy vibe it gave off, it looked like the perfect place for a gang.

As your group approached the entry doors, two of the guys from before hurried up in front to hold the doors open for Hyunjin and you. You felt him walk again and you tried to turn from your place in his arms to look around. You gasped.

People in masks and dark cloaks stood in a circle around some kind of table. The walls were dirty and worn out just like the outside and the familiar church seats didn’t look very familiar anymore, they were filled with clutter like books and candles. More candles decorated the walls and it had weird drawn symbols in white and red, which looked too much like blood.

You desperately tried to crawl out but his arms clinging onto you only got harder, tightening the grip. You were coming closer and closer to the group who had now turned when they noticed your presence. The group split in the middle, making way for you to pass through. You heart dropped when you had passed by the people.

Right there was an altar. It had old dry blood ingrained in it all over. By how the dried blood looked like it had run down the sides, you thought about how much blood there had to have been there, they probably killed someone and the thought of it makes you sick.

He sat you down unexpectedly gentle and stepped back slightly while looking at you. You felt like there wasn’t a chance in hell to escape with the mob getting ever so closer as the seconds passed, soon they’d be suffocating you although it felt like their mere presence was already doing that.

‘‘ W-what, where am I...Hyunjin ‘‘ you said his name slowly as if trying it out.

His expressions didn’t change, he looked cold like he had done that same night you met him.

‘‘ Y/n, I’ve had my eyes on you for a long time. Planning, waiting for the perfect moment to take you away ‘‘ he explained calmly. 

You didn’t say anything but when he said he’d been watching you for a long time you felt chills down your spine again. You didn’t feel safe here and you didn’t know what they wanted.

‘‘ Master decided to save you ‘‘ one of the mob whispered in an almost hysteric voice. 

They looked really riled up or quite frankly, crazy - from the way they got closer and closer and how they looked at their leader with so much admiration, like he was some sort of God.

‘‘ Save me? ‘‘ you asked looking straight at Hyunjin to try to read his face.

You thought that maybe they were just joking but he still didn’t move a muscle. He took a deep breath before speaking again.

‘‘ You see, all the people out there they’re really bad people. They have turned to the false God and I’m the only one who can save you ‘‘ he answered fairly casually studying your face and reaction to what he had said.

‘‘ Uh, false God? ‘‘

‘‘ Jesus and his father ‘‘

You huffed. It still felt like a joke but the people surrounding you made you doubt it. Either they were really good actors or this crazy man had taken advantage of vulnerable people and brainwashed them into worshipping him.

‘‘ He’s evil and tries to mask his evil words with acts of ‘‘ kindness ‘‘ ‘’ he air-quoted the word kindness and looked truly annoyed as he explained this to you.

You weren’t really sure how to respond.

‘‘ I...Appreciate that and what you do but I would like to go home now, is that okay? ‘‘ you tried.

‘‘ No ‘‘

Silence followed. You felt like the mob were silently judging you and maybe even hated you because you got all this attention from their precious leader.

‘‘ U-um well I do have to go, I’m not interested sorry ‘‘ you swung your legs over the stone seat and put your feet on the ground below.

He didn’t move from his spot which made you hopeful, but then when you approached the mob expecting them to step aside for you to pass - they didn’t. They stood just as still, just like him. You saw him turn to you and then felt a hard grip around your forearm.

He was angry but you also saw some hint of disgust in his eyes.

‘‘ See everyone how grateful you are that I saved you, see what could’ve become of you. We’ve got a lot of work to do with this one ‘‘ he said to the mob while staring into your eyes. He smirked for a moment and that’s when you realised, this was a cult.

He was fully aware of the truth vs made up things and how he affected all these people but you supposed he liked the power. It made you sick yet again to think about how many lives he had ruined by spewing such nonsense.

His loyal followers all shouted in union,

‘‘ Yes master! ‘‘ 

Before Hyunjin started to drag you to a doorway at the opposite side of the room. It felt like his grip was getting tighter and tighter and you groaned quietly at the pain, it was sure to leave bruises but you knew he didn’t care - he had probably left a fair amount of bruises on his followers before. 

He took you through the doorway and turned to the right. You reached a long stone corridor that felt very creepy. He kept dragging you until he had gotten to the room at the end of the corridor. There, he still kept his iron grip on you while fumbling in his pockets to take out a silver key.

‘‘ This is where you will be staying ‘‘

Anger bubbled up inside you. Who is he to decide that he was gonna ‘’ save you ‘’ to kidnap you and to order you around without you having a choice? It made you feel so belittled, and because of it you hated him already and what made it worse is the fact that you were pretty sure he enjoyed it.

He shoved you in and closed the door behind him swiftly without turning his back to you, smart, he didn’t even give you one opportunity to escape him.

‘‘ Tomorrow will be your first ritual, you should be excited ‘‘ he gave you a small smile. 

You wanted to punch him so bad, to kick and scream and to run for your life. The room he had pushed you into was as cold-stoned as the corridor had been, literally. It looked like an old-school prison cell in those castles with stone floor, walls and ceiling. The windows were barred shut and was way too high up for you to reach anyway. 

The only thing that made it look anything other than a prison cell was the double bed in the middle of the furthest wall. It had scarlet velvet looking covers and looked quite comfortable. In that moment you wanted nothing more than for him to leave so you could let your growing exhaustion take over you and figure out a plan to escape later after resting.

And so he actually did - to your surprise. You suppose it was because of the look of burning hate you had given him this whole time or that you had refused to answer him but whatever the reason, you felt relieved.

He sighed and left, closing the door rather harshly after him but you didn’t even look at him, he didn’t deserve that.

Your head found the pillow automatically and you let your body relax, falling asleep not that long after.

-

‘‘ Hello? Y/n get the fuck up ‘‘ the distant voice who had been mumbling, or least that’s what it sounded like to you - suddenly started to get louder and clearer.

You body jerked awake when you realised it wasn’t a dream and the first thing you saw when you opened your eyes was those brown eyes of the leader himself. He looked annoyed, like you were just a burden to him and the fact that you’d woken up so late was just another inconvenience.

He rolled his eyes.

‘‘ Finally. We haven’t got all day Ms princess ‘‘ 

You yawned at looked at him still half-asleep. You got up without protesting though because you didn’t want to anger him any more. 

You wasted no time and even got dressed in front of him, ignoring his presence while continuing to be in a dazed and tired state. 

He seemed to wait as patiently as he could but that didn’t stop him from sending you glares every now and then. 

At last you were ready, dressed in a white plain summery dress that had been put out for you to wear. You noticed while walking up to him that he was now wearing very light coloured clothes as well - a strong contrast to the day before. He didn’t have his piercings on, his tattoos were covered and he wore long white linen clothes. You gagged at the thought of him picking out clothes just so you would match.

‘‘ Come on ‘‘ he mumbled. His patience seemed to be running out.

He opened the door and basically pushed you out in front of him, then he closed the door once again and followed quickly. It felt like he was breathing down your neck, not giving you any space to - you assumed - not make you get away. You ignored him being that close and focused on his directions instead. He told you to go back the same way you had come from and out of the church, into a garden where the ‘’ ceremony ‘’ as he called it would happen.

You stayed silent and walked to where he wanted you to. The church was empty, which was a bit odd but you kept going until you laid your hands on the  big doors again and pushed it open.

You recognised the place you had been at yesterday, even the car was still there. But you couldn’t do anything, not even get close to the car before Hyunjin barked his orders,

‘‘ Right. Then walk straight to the garden. No stopping ‘‘ and you reacted like a robot, casting one last sorrowful look at a possible escape route. 

You followed his directions and walked into a clearing in the forest the church had been hiding behind itself. The mob was there again.

Of course

You thought yourself and couldn’t stop your hand from forming a fist. More people, less chance of escaping. But where else would they be if not by the side of their precious leader?

They gave you very genuinely happy smiles which freaked you out and you smiled back awkwardly to not feel like you were being rude. As you approached the group Hyunjin put his fingertips to your upper back guiding you forwards, or rather to the middle of the circle again who parted once you got close, allowing you to pass through.

Then you spotted it, another altar. 

But this time you weren’t really scared, until Hyunjin told you lay down on it and his words from before rang in your head over and over again,

‘‘ Tomorrow will be your first ritual, you should be excited ‘‘

Fuck

What was going to happen to you now?

‘‘ Welcome everyone ‘’ he started off his speech, turning to the gathered crowd.

‘’ We’ve gathered here today to make a union, to forever bond the master, the greatest, to y/n, the princess ‘‘

Your head was spinning. It felt like the coldness of the stone you were laying on had transferred to your blood, making it ice cold. You weren’t even sure if you were alive anymore or if this was possibly just a dream.

‘‘ Y/n? ‘‘ he suddenly called out which caught your attention.

You turned your head to him, tears threatening to fall any second now.

‘‘ I have to do this, for us to be together forever ‘‘ he said this in an almost pitiful way and your gut knew what was coming but you didn’t want to believe it.

You were going to fight and be optimistic until the last second.

‘‘ You first, then me okay? If you keep still this will be quicker ‘‘ the fact that he looked truly sorry made you forget for a moment what kind of person he was.

He walked up to you and you got so enhanced in his eyes, it was easy to see how all the other people had believed his lies. You were even ready to accept your faith, and so you did the only thing you could - you closed your eyes and waited.

You weren’t sure but you think you heard him say ‘’ good girl ‘’ under his breath. You also heard some distant hushed talking and some items being scraped together but you held you breath and kept your eyes closed, it was for the best.

No closed eyes or deep breaths could’ve prepared you for what came next though,

the pain was unbearable. A cold metal that was sharp penetrated your chest causing you to scream out.

‘‘ Stop! Stop! Stop! ‘‘

Hyunjin hushed you comfortingly and stroke your hair slowly, placing small kisses to your forehead but you barely felt them - the pain was so overpowering it felt like it was the only thing you felt.

Eventually when your breaths started becoming more heavy and your vision started to get blurrier, you opened your eyes one last time. You saw the man you had started to hate in such a short time, now...he was your killer. 

Then you closed your eyes again and waited and waited while it felt like the liquid had decorated your entire body, hell maybe even the whole forest. 

At last, after much suffering

the world did become black and you were finally at peace.

[sprinklesandshatters]

A Review on NCT 127′s 3rd Album <Sticker>

So NCT 127 just came back with their 3rd Full Album <Sticker> and this is my first 127 comeback since I became a fan last year! Neozone is such a special album for me as it was their first album that I explored entirely. I've known NCT as the group who never fails any expectations so I've kept mine up although I know they'll exceed it anyway. And guess what, they did! I absolutely love their new album hence this review~

This isn't a technical music review—as I am not a musician myself—but rather a listener's honest takes, goofy notes, and interpretation on each of the tracks in the album. I admit I've also struggled to build my own opinions on some of the tracks until I listened to them over and over again.

I have also heard there are mixed opinions on the title track <Sticker> and a lot says it's another acquired taste. But I think it's not just that, as it can be a grower, just like how most of NCT's songs were for me. Maybe after a few listens and a right passage of time, it will grow on those people. The bottom line here is, I like it a lot! 😛

So I listed down the songs according to their respective track numbers and followed each with a bulleted list of my opinions and interpretations.

(Viewer/reader discretion: before you continue, minors, do not interact as there are few 18+ contents under the cut. Thank you.)

1. Sticker

THEY DIDN'T JUST PUNCH A NEW NOTCH ON THE BELT LIKE THAT

THIS SONG SLAPS, LITERALLY SLAPS… AND WHIPS 

The recorder at the intro boyyyy I thought something was wrong but then I remember it’s NCT lmao

It already stuck in my head from my first listen from the Instagram audio.

With Taeyong opening the verse with his divine rapping, I knew I'm in for a new ride.

STICK-UH STICK-UGH STICK-UGHGHGH

To those complaining it sounding like noise music, imagine it sounding generic. I don't think it would fit as the title track. Not a b-track or in their repertoire, even. They are called NCT because they define the NEO in the music culture and music technology!

It honestly was an unorthodox, just like all of their title tracks, which I’m inherently here for.

Literally, no one does it like them!

The growls and the vocal flexes and adlibs! (You can tell it has Yoo Youngjin's brand.)

The crisp metronome sound that’s consistently ticking except for the pre-chorus and the dance break adds depth to the soundscape. I love how it’s used instead of the usual snaps.

The production quality blew my mind. Like how can someone think those melodies would sound so exquisite? CAN I CALL THEM GENIUS?

The piano at the back, oh my God—Yes! It adds this mystifying element to the song.

I'm not sure if it's a midi violin at the pre-chorus, but it added thrill to the song. It was a great transition from the bass line in the verses to the combination of the flawless harmony with the same instrumental.

"You treat me like a boy, like a grown-up child chasing a dream" JUNGWOO BABY NO MORE HUH

Taeil, Doyoung, and Haechan—the bridge vocal trinity!

But why the heck are they cowboys? I dig the concept, but why? LMAO

BTW GUNSLINGER MARK I’M ON MY KNEES YEEHAW

This is easily one of my favorite tracks from NCT 127's entire discography 💚

2. Lemonade

(⌐■_■)

Jaehyun starting off this song with his deep voice eee

The song opens to a verse oozing with chill confidence. They're like, yeah you're lurking because we’re cool.

This is such a huge slap to their haters. NCT's not chillin' like a villain, nah they're the main characters!

Well maybe they’re villains, but still ya not cooler than them ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Funny enough how they could have just referred haters as simply lemons whose sour/bitter to the taste, but 127 squad's success is sweeter than all the haters' spiteful remarks so yeah, SIPPY SIPPY LEMONADE 🧃

"WOOF"

I might have just barked too wOW

Yuta’s vocals hooooO his voice just sounds so glamorous mhmm

Also Mark referencing their previous title tracks such as: Firetruck, Cherry Bomb, and Regular (it's Irregular in the lyrics) in his rap part 👌💅

I just love Mark's energy when he raps. HE RESOLUTELY BITES AND STRAIGHT UP EATS EVERY TIME HE DOES.

3. Breakfast

Now breakfast time, oh jeez!

AAAHAHFU—

Summer 127's bestie!

If Summer 127 talks about dancing all night long, Breakfast is the morning after.

You know what it is.

"Even if I gulp and drink you, it's not enough for me." oho Taeyong no you ha—STOP

Sexual innuendos aside, isn't it just sweet if someone tells you they'd want to have breakfast with you every day?  Okay maybe I'm melting at the thought 😩🙈💞

And I can see myself dancing to this song as I make breakfast (in the afternoon or at midnight bc I’m crazy)

This was an okay b-track for me at the first skim on the album, but boy it grew on me wildly.

Honestly one of my favorite tracks in this album.

4. Focus

Did I just invade a private call? LMAO

The analog voice filters make it like so.

Dude, this feels intimate in the level of eavesdropping a phone call between seasoned lovers. Then you realize you hear them whispering their kinks over the line and you're ooh, that's sexy! hfgklhfhf

My first listen to this, I almost went feral because,

"I can't wait to eat you…" when it's actually "I can't wait 'til we chill…" aahaha

"Baby call me when you want me." OKAY!

This sounds relaxing and chill. I'd love to play this on a late night drive or just before bed time along with Fly Away With Me, Sun & Moon, My Youth, and Long Flight.

Belongs to ‘make out session’ playlist  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

That was lowkey a playlist recommendation, huh?

I'd be kidding if I don't say I could touch myself while listening to this song AHAHAFGHFJFJ

I didn't know this would grow on me this much lol I love love LOVE THIS!

5. The Rainy Night

Ooh, the holy melancholy!

Piano at the intro—I knew I'd cry to this.

This song isn't just about break-up, but the heartbreak after one.

The yearning; the remnant pieces from the shattering of what was once there.

I think I crumbled from this one.

This hit so hard I felt like I fit in the shoes with the lyrics throughout the entire song.

What’s fascinating is I clearly forgot the title when I mentally said this sounds like a sad rainy day song from the first listen.

Something I’d turn up when it suddenly rains, just because I want to feel the blues.

Taeil and Haechan singing in lower register? I wanna cry :( they’re just one of the best vocalists in K-music industry right now.

Could have been also nice if they added Yuta to the vocals.

"My selfish heart who waits for you to come back," OKAY WHO HURT THEM?

And the fact that they sang it so good that it translated every ounce of the emotions well even before I looked up for English translations is the reason why I love this song too.

6. Far

Hmm… What the hell?! Do I like this? Wait...

Alright!

The jumpy vibe from the first verse to the pre-chorus set the mood for this song. It sounds merry and heavy. It was honestly too much to take until I’ve reached the chorus part.

Honestly, I think this song could fit NCT Dream better, as it gives off a vibe similar to Hello Future's b-tracks. If some credible source say this could have made HF’s track list, I might believe you too fast.

Also Dream’s Deja Vu where they go na nananananana na na na~

Playful yet confident! That’s what I mean!

As usual, the vocals are insane! Vocal flex from left to right!

I swear Jungwoo sounded a bit like Taemin at the second verse that I had to replay it hahaha

I love hearing Johnny as a vocalist! SM, how many signs do you need until you utilize his vocal talent???

Taeil's part where he sings, "go nuts, go nuts, 'til we go bust, go bust" IDEK BUT I SNORTED A LAUGH AT FIRST LISTEN HFCAHKFHK

Not my favorite, but still great though!

But wait it’s actually stuck in my head???

7. Bring The Noize

Yes, they never beat those noise music allegations

HERE'S SOME NOIZE, BITCHES

I love me some noisy percussions. AND THE BASS YO

This screams so much confidence!

The build up from the pre-chorus to the chorus—FIRE!

This song reminds me a lot of SuperM's Super Car, especially with the engine roar samples and the battle cry-like singing at the chorus.

JAEHYUN RAPPING? You mean Jaehyun the visual, the vocalist, the actor, the model, the funny dude, aka my everything?! (markie bb look pls look away for a moment)

THEY DELIVERED IT STRAIGHT FROM NEOCITY THAT'S SOME NCT MUSIC RIGHT THERE NO ONE DOES IT LIKE THEM

When I said I'd play Focus on a late night drive, and if I add this in the playlist, VROOM VROOM SPEED LIMIT WHAT

OUTTA MY WAY

“We got no shame” ouh TAEYONG’S FLOW IS JUST VERY HIM AND HE’S IN A LEAGUE OF HIS OWN

You know what's so clever about this song? It's how it ended with Mark's final rap without any instrumental, leaving you  standing there with a doppler effect-like post experience.

A super car on a super speed just whooshed past you and you look its way as it zips through the road. It's gone in an instant but you're floored dumbfounded at a sidewalk. That's how I describe this song.

8. Magic Carpet Ride

This song… Wow. Oh gosh it's so beautiful.

Their harmony in the chorus—it makes me want to kiss someone so passionately that I'd cry.

This makes me want to feel love that transcends the universe. Literally, just please take me on a magic carpet ride :(

The background harmonies too oh my goodness—HEAVENLY.

Jaehyun's voice is so warm and soulful it fits perfectly with songs of this genre.

Okay alright Doyoung Grande!

And Taeil makes me feel like I'm listening to old school R&B.

The first time I heard this from the track video, I can't stop replaying because it's just that great.

This makes me want to love. I think that sums it up.

9. Road Trip

This is such a soothing song for me, especially how I easily become nostalgic thinking about the road trips I've had.

Whenever I listen to this, my brain immediately conjures up thoughts of my ideal getaways. Gazing at the sky through the car window, stirring up from a nap in the middle of the ride, and   eventually reaching your destination.

Oh, to travel around anywhere... (curse you covid-19)

Okay that's it. I'M PACKING UP.

But where do I go—

I could also imagine Mark playing this on the guitar and the other members sing along together, something like that.

Just Wholesome™ vibes.

I love how it evokes such a nice emotion within me effortlessly.

This isn't my favorite, but I still love this.

10. Dreamer

Eyyyy such a refreshing song!

This song is so bright it makes me want to dance. I play this first in the shower!

It reminds me so much of Elevator (from Neozone)

The horns make it more lively I think!

Yuta and Jungwoo's voice suits lively songs like this.

The background vocal in low register in Taeyong's part in the first verse is so good ahhfhf

Taeil, the R&B vocal king you are...

There's this part where Doyoung and Johnny harmonized, that at first listen they seemed to clash, but it sounded actually fine after a few listens. Maybe it's just that I've never heard them do it before.

And I think it's Doyoung's laugh at the end of the bridge? Oh my goodness I really love this too!

11. Promise You

MY FIRST LOVE AND MOST FAVORITE SONG IN THE ALBUM!!!

The first time I heard this from their NCIT Sharehouse Sitcom, I fell in love with the song already.

It sounds like something you'd feel from a warm, welcoming hug.

The lyrics are so beautiful and endearing. It's definitely a be-there-for-you type of song that will touch your heart.

It definitely sounds like a promise.

A song about platonic intimacy.

This really fits to be the closing song of the album. It's like the end of it but holds a promise that says “see you soon.”

Because they cherish their fans like that.

It's also like I've watched a movie with a happy ending, where the camera pans up to the clear sky and this song starts playing.

Speaking of ending, I would love to hear them sing this as an encore stage in their concert. You know, that moment just before the stage lights die down at the end of the concert where they send final blows of flying kisses to NCTzens. Then you come home smiling and crying.

This wasn't supposed to be this long since I originally planned to write this with just simple phrases and emojis but I got too engrossed lol. I also meant to include my own ratings but I figured it’s pointless since I can’t really decide about them hahaha

I really enjoyed the whole album and I love how they're progressively defining what NEO means by breaking through standards. It's not NCT music if it doesn't make you say "WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?" But then you realize it’s stuck in your head and you’re enjoying it already.

✨ OVERALL RATING: 127/10 💚

if you’ve reached until here, thank you for letting me share you a braincell or two 💞

[nochiquinn]

campaign 3 episode 23: you're tearing me APART delilah

liam: dat ass

that's still one of the smoothest ones she's had yet

"keep it up, you might have a career in this yet"

I'm going to try to watch Calamity. I don't have anything against Brennan, I just unfortunately associate his face with smug d20 fans who pop up every time they've decide CR is morally bankrupt again.

what kind of godawful cliffhanger are they going to leave us on for four weeks

marisha what did you do

well-oiled machine

hey. hey chetney. hey chetney whatcha doin.

hey chetney WHATCHA DOIN

CHETNEY

do it DO IT

GRINCH STYLE

JESUS

he's been writing this in his head for weeks.

CHETNEY

"I wouldn't want to see him in a Whole Foods"

"she is not armored. she is a merchant."

"you can't NON-LETHALLY behead someone!"

did you get your clothes

Reverse Kool-Aid Man

DOORS

"just assume if you give it to her you never really wanted it in the first place"

"where was that?"

GIFT

I'm gonna CRY

I'm CRYING

I tormented myself with vax's exit earlier today, why do this to me

"your big moon, your little moon, and whatever comes next" more like put me in the GROUND"

"that's in-character, whoever's etsy page he got that from, it's lovely"

FANTASY PREPPERS

tantrum hole

collapsible guillotine

travis' face for .2 seconds when laura SUGGESTED shopping

8 whole adults

I Love Him

weh

LIAM

how many times is this episode gonna make me cry before break

DON'T LET THEM TAKE YOUR HEART

whisper so hard my stream froze

"what did you do with YOUR makeup kit"

"so you're the captain's best friend?"

nb tief!

swedish nb tief!

"you don't do what we say, we throw you overboard"

"like twenty. so many. they just keep making problems!"

honestly I don't get tommy wiseau from this, they talk too fast

tommy wiseau talks like he's been drunk for 30 years

the henley looks like one of those padded shirts you wear under armor, just bulky and scratchy and blech

"you're scarier than I am, you know that, right?"

Very A Lot

I love them

"hey dad" hey what

is it just Liam Makes Me Cry Day or

dragons

DRAGONS???

SKY EEL

SKY MANTA

what in the treasure planet

"I SHIP IT"

TREASURE PLANET

oh man hands for scale, it BIG

speed of WHAT

WHAT points of piercing

fuckin sky porcupine

I came back to "the cake is a lie", what the fuck

I hate it

everybody looks really good in this lighting

taliesin stop doing that with your arm

demon? demon manta??

"I DON'T LIKE THESE BIRDS"

"because they're POOPHEADS"

WHAT'S GONNA WORK

TEEEEEEEAMWORK

need art of orym doing a pull-up on the ballista

god bless gordi

"I want one!"

FLY

taliesin DID compare her to a summers

(I may or may not be dozing off, idek why orym's overboard)

"everybody alive except laudna?"

laudna: [carves up sky eel] imogen: GROSS :D

"I had a weird dream and was like 'fuck it', that was weird but cool!"

"you did good! you flew!"

listen I know I say this immediately upon meeting every party but I mean this more than I have ever meant it before: CANON POLYAM WHEN

liam

he's milking the creature

"look out, fellow toymakers"

love the mental image of ashton just coming out of the room and being like "…..sure." and keeps going

I've been playing forbidden west so getting specific parts off of creatures is giving me ptsd

"I wanna know your intent" "that implies that she has intent"

laura's face is my face

"it's like trying to birth a cow"

the ROLLS tonight

I love her

don't ruin boba for me matt

matt throwing mental daggers at his description chart

"I had to!" "NO YOU DIDN'T"

"I'm grasping for. eyeballs."

"I feel like you should blame khalil because he's obviously asleep"

"that's not true at all. we start with the toes."

loudna

This Is What Flat Earthers Actually Believe

"who's on top and who's on bottom now" travis

I love laudna so much

delilah want magic rock

aw shit

delilah is why we can't have nice things

oh I was worried that was where her brain would go

this BITCH

"you wanna destroy whitestone because this is how you destroy whitestone"

"I have QUESTIONS"

"I fucked around and I FOUND OUT"

[finduilasclln]

okay so go with me here for a minute....

Let's assume that Eddie and Shannon got married because she was pregnant. He did it because it was what Christopher needed, two parents. I'm sure he was told multiple times that he needed to do what was right for his kid. That what he felt or needed was no longer important.

Flash forward to him coming home from war and not fitting. He probably needed to go get his head on straight, lbr, but he stayed because his kid needed a mom and a dad. What Eddie needed was not important.

And then he made his own choice for what both he and Chris needed and left after Shannon did. But he chose L.A., where Shannon was. (Always in his head, "Chris needs a mother and a father. What I need is not important")

And then Shannon shows back up, and she's easy once he lets her back in. Fits in, Chris loves having her, and so he decides hey, we should stay together, and we see how that works out, but again, he went with it because it was easy and Chris deserves a mother and a father.

And then he gets over that and Ana flirts with him and when he suddenly is thrown in front of her again, he takes it as a sign and he goes out with her and there aren't fireworks, Eddie is at best mildly attracted to Ana. But she's "easy to be around," and Chris likes having her there. And that is what he has been told his whole life he is supposed to be aiming for.

And then Carla came in and said "Be sure it's your heart you're following, not Christopher's."

She didn't just throw doubt on Ana, she threw doubt on Eddie’s entire adult life.

Meanwhile there's Buck. Who is anything but "easy" - he can be "exhausting" - and he is going to kill Eddie with his antics one day, and he lives his life the exact opposite of everything Eddie was taught to do. And Chris loves having him around, and Buck would do anything for that kid and never give up on him, and he is everything Eddie wants for Chris.

Except his whole life he has been conditioned that Chris needs a mother and a father. Not two dads.

IDEK where I'm going here but my brain is blown....

But this is so exactly Eddie's way of reasoning, I am sure of it. Look at his parents, look at where and how he was raised, at what's important in his life. Buck is definitely not the easy choice. And if he's ever had any feelings for a guy before, and that's a big if in my opinion. He got together with Shannon when he was so young. He's probably never even been with a lot of women, let alone men! 'cause I really could not see Eddie cheating on Shannon, no matter how difficult things were between them. So he's not that experienced in dating and sex and everything to begin with. He got thrown into this marriage with Shannon because she got pregnant and Eddie was the good guy who did what was expected of him. And then ever since... he's made mistakes, yes, but he still did most of the things he did for his family. And so if he ever had any feelings for men, he just put it away. Locked it up in a box before he could even truly think about it.

And then comes Buck... and Eddie does what he always does, he puts other people (mainly Christopher) first and he doesn't think about it and he doesn't explore it. Or at least, that's what he tries. Because he's been doing it all along and that's just the way he lives his life. Admitting to certain feelings would just make his life unbearably complicated and anyway, things are fine the way they are, right? And fine is enough.

Only... Buck is impossible to ignore. That little box Eddie likes to keep things locked up in is just not big enough for whatever it is that Buck has grow inside of Eddie. And he tries and he tries, but the lock breaks and the feelings spill and at some point Eddie is forced to think about it, to acknowledge it, to explore it. Because it's Buck, and he just has no choice anymore. It's too big, too important. It's impossible to keep ignoring.

Oh man. I have feels. Why do you do this to me, @stellarm ? *ugly sobbing*

[haikyuu-scenarios-drabbles]

Shower Friends (Miya Atsumu x F!reader)

The dorm you live in has co-ed bathrooms. Why that’s remotely a good idea is beyond you; and recently, your precious shower time is being interrupted by a certain blonde haired setter for the volleyball team. When he lies to his teammates that he has a girlfriend, somehow you get roped into his scheme.

genre(s): college!au, fake dating, angst, fluff, mutual pining, enemies to lovers (kinda), eventual smut (maybe)  words: 3.5k

a/n: ah the sweet sweet smell of mutual pining. also 3 more chapters are planned, not written yet though bc i just decided i’d be writing them lmao. hopefully can get started on that this weekend and post them next week 🤗

taglist:  @apollochjld @kurosarium @vicassa @carbs-need-more-love @underratedmage @idek-at-thispoint @wtfeverbrandi @food8me @yikes-buddy @ntimacy @nyxiie @oikawasbooty @chocolate3010 @sugawarabby @greenyiplier @kritiiiii @tokyosdawn @youstydiaa @h3llok1ttygirl 

one | two 

Chapter Three

“You want me to help you with what?” You ask, a bit stunned when he showed up at the door, a terribly annoying but also cute pleading expression on his face.

He groans, his shoulders hunching forward in exasperation. “Ya really gunna make me repeat it?”

You peer closer at the top of his head and see that he’s being serious. The roots of his hair growing in are a dark brown and it had never even occurred to you that he dyes his hair the blonde color you’re so used to. “No, but why do you need my help?”

This is so embarrassing. Normally his roommate or a teammate can help him but none of them are available today and he’s already let the roots grow longer than he likes. But when one of them suggested you help him out instead, something inside him rebelled. For some reason, the thought of having you dye his hair for him made him uncomfortable, like he’s showing you an intimate part of him. This hair has been a part of him so long he can’t remember the last time he’d let it grow out.

“I can’t see if I got everything,” he admits. It took a lot of pacing around his room and staring at his roots for him to get up the courage to come over here to ask you. He can’t really explain why he was so against it, especially since you don’t seem to mind after you got over the initial shock of realizing this isn’t his natural hair.

A wave of relief washes over him when you sigh, conceding, “Alright. Just let me change into something I can get bleach on. I’ll meet you at your dorm.”

While he waits for you, he busies himself with mixing the dye together so it’s ready for you, and when you arrive in a t-shirt and shorts with paint splatters all over them, he mentally kicks himself for thinking about how even wearing something so simple you still look better than anyone he’s ever seen. Crossing your arms, you motion for him to take a seat at his desk. Before he does so, he reaches behind his neck to grab at the collar of his shirt and pull it over his head.

You stand there dumbfounded for a moment, it taking you a second to process that he’s now standing before you shirtless and you’re free to ogle his muscular chest and arms to your hearts content. He doesn’t pay any attention to you, knowing if he meets your gaze, he won’t be able to stop the heat threatening to crawl up his neck. Instead, he wraps a towel around his waist to protect his shorts and sits in the chair to wait for you.  

Except now, you have free reign to stare at his back, which is just as defined as the front of him and you need a few more seconds to reel your thoughts back.

“Whaddya waitin’ for darling?” He drawls, throwing you a glance over his shoulder, not expecting you to be standing there frozen, eyes pinned to his now bare chest.

He opens his mouth to tease you further, but your eyes snap to his and you practically shout, “Do you have another towel?” He just cocks a brow and then points to his closet where another towel is hanging on a hook. Snatching it, you return to him and drape it over his shoulders, hiding most of his annoyingly toned body. “Don’t want to get any bleach on your skin,” you explain, no way in hell ever admitting to him that you’re finding it hard to focus with him on display like that.

Absentmindedly, he hands you one of the clips he bought a long time ago, one that’s almost completely bleached itself and you start running your fingers through his hair to section it. He closes his eyes, focusing intently on the soothing sensation of your fingers on his scalp, doing his best not to groan out loud at how good it feels. With anyone else, this isn’t anything special, normally he sits as patiently as he can whilst trying not to annoy whoever is doing his hair (lest they decide to ‘mess up’ as punishment). But with you, it’s a different feeling entirely.

It's jarringly intimate as you clip his hair back and reach over him to grab the plastic gloves that came with the dye. Lathering up the applicator brush, you start slathering it onto his hair, trying your hardest to make sure it’s evenly distributed and surrounding each strand. As you do so, you ask, “How long have you been doing this?”

He resists the urge to shrug, not wanting to jostle you, replying, “Osamu and I started in middle school.”

“Osamu dyes his hair too?”

“Yeah, he goes for gray. But I’d heard blondes have more fun so—here we are.”

He grits his teeth as your fingers skim over his scalp, glad for the towel you wrapped around him to hide the goosebumps skittering along his bare skin.

“Let me guess,” you muse. “You guys did it because people couldn’t tell you apart?”

“That,” he laughs, “And we thought it would look cool. The first time we did it, it looked like shit.”

Your answering laugh warms his heart as you unclip a section of hair and keep working. “I can’t imagine your mom being too happy about it.”

“Livid. We got bleach everywhere.”

You laugh, continuing to move through his hair methodically. It doesn’t take very long as you’re just dying his roots and they weren’t that bad to begin with, contrary to what Atsumu thinks. When you finish, he gives you a sheepish look and has to swallow his pride to ask you to help him wash it out. Every time he’s tried to do it himself, he always ends up leaving a huge chunk of bleach somewhere.

You oblige, following him to the bathroom, not bothering to care about the looks you get along the way. If they want to stare at a shirtless Atsumu and then glare at you for having that all to yourself, that’s their prerogative. It does wonders for your confidence, regardless that all of this is a ruse.

Luckily, the bathroom is empty and Atsumu dutifully bends over the sink to let you start washing the dye out of his hair. He’s immensely grateful his eyes are shut, and his face is shoved into the sink to hide his flushed cheeks as he thoroughly enjoys your fingers running through his hair. The sensation of your fingernails lightly scraping over his scalp makes him ball his fists as he has to bite his lip to keep from making any sounds.

You’re unbothered, until you notice the towel has slipped from his shoulders and with the way he’s bracing himself against the counter every muscle in his back and arms is on display for you to see. It’s an effort to continue your task as if nothing is wrong and force yourself to look off into the distance instead of eyeing him up.

It’s no easy feat. Especially when you finish and he rises, scrubbing at his face with the discarded towel before moving on to his hair. You press your lips into a firm line and let yourself indulge just a little bit looking at the way his muscles flex with the movement, droplets from his damp hair trailing down the planes of his chest towards the waistband of his shorts and—your attention is broken at the sound of him chuckling and you snap your gaze to his.

You find him staring at you with mischief sparkling in his eyes, so you speak before he can tease you. “Is that it?”

“We have to actually dye it now.”

“Oh.” You turn on your heels desperate to escape his gaze. “Let’s go then.” A smirk plays across his lips, but he refrains from teasing you, solely because he very much enjoyed the way you were looking at him and doesn’t want you to stop.

And yeah—sue him if he thinks about your hands in his hair for the rest of the day. In the end, he might be a little grateful no one else was available to help him.

When mid-semester break arrives, it comes as a surprise that you actually miss each other. What surprises you even further, is that he’s the one to bring it up. Within the first night, he video calls you, a sheepish expression on his face, explaining he needed someone to complain to.

“What do you mean?” You teased. “Sounds like you’re getting stuffed with good food from Osamu and you have plenty to brag about.” You winked, smiling devilishly at him and pointing to yourself. You’re only joking. Slightly. You aren’t sure what will come about if he tells his family about you, or if that’s even a good idea. It’d be much easier to break this off cleanly without the involvement of each other’s families.

He sighs, flopping down on his bed and scrubbing his face with one hand. “They’re just dyin’ to meet you now.”

Your brows lift, half-expecting him to have tried to keep this a secret. “You told them?”

“I wasn’t gunna,” he explains. “But apparently some college sports news channel caught um—,” he coughs awkwardly, remembering very vividly this day, yet the two of you haven’t acknowledged it since. “Our—uh—celebration.”

Eyes widening, you stare at him a moment before the both of you burst out laughing. Between your giggles you manage to say, “Oops.”

Laughing alongside you, he grins, despite the pang in his heart at the voice in his head desperately trying to remind him all of this isn’t real. You aren’t his girlfriend and the moment all of this ends, you probably won’t bat an eye at him ever again. He hates how much that hurts.

Forging onward towards his demise he discloses, “I am now a very proud owner of a very jealous brother now, so thank you.”

That only makes you keep grinning, setting a hand on your cheek and dramatically saying, “What? Of little ol’ me?”

He fights the urge to tell you that yes—jealous of little ol’ you. The girl who is slowly becoming the girl of his dreams. The beautiful, funny girl who deals with him and everything that comes with him. He swallows all that, keeping the mood and saying, “He refuses to let me try any of his onigiri. A crime, really.”

“Of the highest caliber,” you agree, stifling your laughter. “Though I’m sure you steal some when he isn’t looking.”

“Yeah, but he caught me and hit me on the head with his spoon.”

“How dare he. Lucky for me, my family is clueless.”

“What do they think yer doin’ right now then?”

Shrugging you say, “I told them I had a project to work on with a classmate. Which isn’t entirely a lie, I do have a project to work on. But someone interrupted.”

He smirks. “Wonder who that could be.”

“Beats me.” His responding grin does something to you that’s been happening a lot more frequently lately. Making you feel like all the air has been punched out of you and like your heart is going to beat out of your chest. Though, you’ve gotten quite good at hiding it.

In the distance, you hear someone calling his name. He panics, it’s bad enough his family knows about you now, but he isn’t sure if he’s ready for them to meet you. Especially Osamu, who he has the sinking feeling is already suspicious of this. It’ll be a miracle if he can slip this by him.

“Gotta go!” He says quickly, and before he ends the call, he hears you chuckle and say, “Beware the spoon.”

Every day his situation only gets worse.

The next night he can’t get Osamu off his back. Enough that when he tries to retreat to his bedroom to give you a call, pathetically missing you again, Osamu bursts in when he’s about two minutes into the video call with you. He tries to shove him out, embarrassed and afraid Osamu will see straight through him. But Osamu is stubborn, and he hears you laughing on the other end of the call before saying, “Aww, Atsumu won’t you at least let me try to charm the pants off him?”

He grits his teeth, the thought that he wants you to charm the pants off of him, not his brother flitting through his head before he can stop it. But he relents, letting Osamu sit backwards on his desk chair to join the conversation.

He isn’t sure how, but somehow you get Osamu to believe this is real in a matter of minutes. You have him laughing and talking about culinary school and he almost feels jealous that your attention is now on Osamu instead of him. It’s a ridiculous notion, he knows it, but it doesn’t stop him from keeping the camera on him as much as possible.

When the call ends, Osamu looks at him seriously, and for a moment Atsumu thinks he’s just been pretending to believe you this entire time. However, he breaks into a smile and smacks him on the back saying, “Got yerself a keeper, there.”

Atsumu tries to grin with as much sincerity as he can. Yeah—he knows he does. But that isn’t going to stop this from ending.

That night, both of you go to bed feeling like you’re getting in too deep.

And as per usual, when school starts back up again, neither of you bring it up. You’re happy to keep ignoring it, hating yourself for liking this arrangement and him more and more every day. It sad really, how much time in your day is spent thinking about him. Wondering if there’s any possibility that the two of you could just transition to a real relationship. Because to you, that’s already what this is. Nothing would change, but at least you’d stop feeling guilty every time you enjoy his hand in yours or the soft press of his lips to the top of your head.

A few days after returning to school, you find yourself alone with him in his dorm room studying. He’s sitting at his desk, hunched over a textbook while you lay on his bed, head propped up by an elbow. You can feel your eyes drooping, the words blurring together, it becoming harder and harder to stay awake. His bed is too comfortable and smells overwhelmingly like him, a scent you’ve come to enjoy every time you’re pressed up against him. A mixture of his body wash and the ever-present faint smell of the volleyball court. Eventually you’re powerless against the solace of sleep.

When Atsumu notices you, his heart jumps into his throat. You look so serene and peaceful, your chest rising and falling ever so slightly, part of him wants to crawl in beside you and press his face into your neck and fall asleep right along with you.

But he too has begun to feel like this game has gone too far. The moment he had to tell his family, lie to Osamu, he knew he’d crossed a line. It isn’t fair to you. No longer does he need to pretend for his teammates that he can have a serious relationship, there isn’t a reason to torture himself and keep you tied to him anymore.

Yet, thinking about not being without you, no longer eating lunch together, studying together, or having you in the stands at his games wrenches his heart in such a way he actually feels like it’s crumpling inside his chest. He hasn’t been able to admit it, but at some point along the way, he thinks he fell in love with you. And it just hurts too much to keep pretending. Especially when you’re only doing this for peace and quiet during your showers.

For you, he shouldn’t drag this on any longer.

So, a couple days later, you texted him telling him you were in the library and can join him anytime if he wants. A harmless text, one you’ve sent him many times since this whole thing started, but this one makes his heart sink. Knowing this is the opportunity he’s been waiting for to talk to you. He tries to not think about it, trying to let volleyball take over his thoughts, but it’s futile. All he can think about is saying those words to you, and how it’s quite possibly going to utterly destroy him.

But you take it well, as he expects, squashing the hope that you might feel something for him too.

That night in the library feels particularly lonely. There’s no quick-witted remark from the boy who carved himself a place in your life, no one there to make you laugh when you’re struggling with a problem. Instead, you’re met with nothing but the darkness and silence of the library. It’s almost too much to bear, and once the silence starts closing in on you—you force yourself to leave, refusing to let yourself wallow.

The next weeks are hard. He never imagined that he’d think that after all of this was over. He keeps showering in the mornings to avoid you and uphold the deal you two struck months ago. He ignores the empty hole in his chest when he eats lunch without you, or studies late alone. The most jarring thing is your absence at his games. He constantly finds himself searching the crowd for your face, before remembering you won’t be there. He misses that intense gaze he could always feel on his back, the one that kept him awake at night when he let his thoughts run wild.

He feels as though something has been ripped from his life, leaving nothing but a gaping hole behind that seems intent on devouring him whole.

The same can be said for you.

Who knew you’d ever miss his teasing remarks while you shower? Or miss how you could complain to him endlessly about classes and then have him comfort you in the warm solace of his arms? Even the little things like walking to class together, now that you do it alone, it feels like there’s something missing.

The two you go on like that, thinking of the other every night before sleeping, tossing and turning with the thought of what could have been.

And eventually, you reach the point where you’re over it. Over pining after him day after day, peering out your door to make sure he isn’t around, or taking detours just to avoid him in the hallways. You’re over it. Enough that you’re willing to swallow your pride and confess to him, even if he doesn’t feel the same way—maybe you can fucking move on then.

Before you can talk yourself out of it, you stomp to his dorm room, his roommate opening the door; his eyes widening upon seeing you. Immediately, he grabs his keys saying into the room, “I forgot I need to go to the store Atsumu, see you later.”

He leaves no time for Atsumu to protest, out the door in a matter of moments, leaving you standing in the doorway. Atsumu is just sitting in his desk chair, looking dumfounded at you, having fully expected to never see you again.

The gears in his head grind to a halt as you say, “This is stupid.”

He gives you a bewildered look, unsure what exactly you mean by that.

You steel your courage and press on. “I like you. And you like me. I think. And all this pretending that we don’t is stupid.”

After a few moments, his lips curve into a smile, the mischievous one you used to hate but now feel relief seeing. He can’t help the joy building in his chest at your confession. How many sleepless nights thinking about this very moment did he endure?

“You said it,” he teases.

Despite giving him a look, you do nothing to stop the grin rising to your lips. “Well, it didn’t seem like you were going to.”

His smile only widens, and he motions you into the room. “Get yer butt over here already.”

You move on instinct, striding into the room and climbing into his lap, settling your legs on either side of his you wrap your arms around his neck. The overwhelming sense that yes—this is exactly where you want to be, washes over you. He smirks up at you, his large hands resting at your waist, waiting for your next move.

“I can’t believe I actually missed that stupid smirk,” you say, lowering your lips to his, fingers slipping into the short hair at the base of his neck.

His smile hasn’t faltered, muttering against your lips teasing, “Does this mean I can shower at night again?”

A laugh bubbles out of you, but he smothers it in another kiss and refuses to let go.

[just-some-random-blogger]

Curse Of The Tiger King

NCT King!Jung Jaehyun x Zoologist!Reader Characters: Jung Jaehyun, Lee Donghyuck (Haechan), Kim Dongyoung (Doyoung), some tigers n stuff. Summary: Jung Jaehyun was known as the Tiger King of the Joseon Era because of how many men he fearlessly killed on the battlefield that matches how many tigers he said to have killed with his bare hands. Because of this, he was cursed into a eternal life as a tiger spirit with only one way to break it. Word Count: 6k+ Warnings: Graphic depictions of violence, animal abuse, war, curses, suicidal thoughts, angst, fluff, etc.

A/N: Idek my mom said the plot is weird but i dig it also listen to tiger inside by superm prolly okie thx. I honestly could have done more research on tigers but like let me live with my inaccuracies okay. Also i may do a pt2 idek

Donghyuck was thankful that it started to storm tonight. Even to the roars of thunder he was indebted to, for it meant his king would not go out and hunt at this hour.

The sycophant adviser Moon Taeil argued with Donghyuck constantly that he was trying to constrain the King of their nation his rights to a glorious hunt of tigers. Why must he dissuade the hunts of the King when he was doing the people a favor and destroying the monsters that could come into their towns and each their children?

It took a lot for Donghyuck not to roll his eyes at the blatant excuse that old minister Taeil had to get the king’s favor. Never in his life had he even heard of a tiger willingly coming out of the wilderness close to human territory had it not been forced out.

It was not that Donghyuck felt sympathy towards tigers either. I mean, who did in this era? It was just that Donghyuck worried the king would strain himself if he immediately goes hunting after just defeating a fleet of usurpers with his army.

He knew how frenzied the king got after drawing blood.

Donghyuck, as the king's right hand man, had a responsibility to keep the nation's sole rule sane.

"Stop worrying," the king said to Donghyuck who was stood not too far behind him.

"I always worry about you, Jaehyun hyung."

Behind closed doors, Donghyuck and Jaehyun were brothers forged by time and not blood. If anyone could help Jaehyun keep his sense, it would be Donghyuck.

Jaehyun was in a dim lit room, kneeled in the middle in front of a slab of stone which he slid his sword back and forth from to sharpen it. Truth be told, it was a habit of his to do this every time he used his sword. But that wasn't what Donghyuck was anxious about. It was the fact Jaehyun didn't wipe the blood on his skin nor did he properly wear his royal robe that keeps goose bumps on his arms.

"It's almost your birthday, Hyuck-ah. Would you like one of my tiger pelts- ah-- should I hunt a tiger for you?" Jaehyun stops sharpening his sword and turns to Donghyuck.

The younger of the two shakes his head and replies, "I couldn't possibly ask for something from my king."

Jaehyun scoffs, "ya you bastard, tell that to all the times you made me buy you noodles when we snuck out the palace as kids."

Donghyuck cleared his throat, "that's on you though for agreeing."

The king chuckles and stands, "there's some rumors going around that there's a white tiger roaming the mountains. They say it is mightier than any ordinary tiger. What do you think? Would you like a white tiger cape?"

"You'd give me something so rare?"

Jaehyun scoffs again and rolls his eyes. He points his sword to Donghyuck, to which he the latter thinks nothing of, "why? Do you think your king is so selfish and keeps everything to himself."

Donghyuck is touched.

But he regrets how pleased Jaehyun's smile was that night. He regrets how he said they should bathe in the royal bath house together and should hunt the white tiger at the break of dawn. He knew in his bones something somehow was going to go wrong with the king.

And even with all his efforts to stay close to him, with all his looney athleticism and determination to catch that white tiger in the mountains, Donghyuck's foot got stuck and twisted upon a tree root.

Of course Jaehyun and he at this point had caught sight of the beast and had scared it off with their numbers. You couldn't possibly believe that the king would be left to hunt alone, would you? But Jaehyun had always been gifted with such immeasurable agility, and well Donghyuck spent most of his life trying to measure up to that. He could not match him however, but much less could the soldiers.

That was why Jaehyun stopped and turned to Donghyuck. He was worried for him like anyone would their younger brother since he deemed Donghyuck as such.

I suppose it was Donghyuck's mistake of trying to talk the king out of catching the white tiger. He knew out of everyone that Jaehyu didn't believe in supernatural or superstitious beliefs simply because they historically worked against his favor. Jaehyun had a knack of proving people wrong with his sheer will, and up to now, he had done nothing but that

Donghyuck had triggered that in him when he muttered to the king, "I have a bad feeling about this hunt. We should turn back, lest you get hurt."

Jaehyun's face ignited at the posing challenge. "Nonsense, I won't let your injury heed nothing. I should definitely catch that tiger no matter what."

So Jaehyun tread off by himself. Donghyuck tried to force himself to go after him. He watched as the king got far enough that he looked like a dot. Still, Donghyuck pushed on. He propped himself up and limped as fast as he could. He thought of simply turning back, but he didn't have much of a choice when he heard the king scream and a tiger roar.

Suddenly, it was silent.

Donghyuk felt like he choked on his heart, "the king is dead."

Jaehyun doesn't remember what he saw, but he remembers what he felt. He felt excruciating pain, like his inside were being pulled from inside out. Then he felt cold. Then there was darkness.

Then he blinked his eyes open and saw the face of a white tiger. His heart dropped and he felt the need to flee. But he was unable to do nothing but wiggle like a worm. He could no longer feel his hands.

The realized then... he had no hands.

The white tiger at this point was above him. It began to lick Jaehyun's body. There was an aroma in the air he recognized as blood. Dear lord, did this tiger devour his body?

But Jaehyun felt no more pain. He tried to scream, but he was only able to make a small sound.

He heard a similar sound next to him, and soon he was kicked in the face by paws. Instinctively, he was annoyed and felt the need to fight back, but he could barely muster the strength to stand on his four feet.

Wait... he had four feet?

The white tiger who had assaulted him with its tongue, laid before him and rolled her belly, revealing pert nipples. It seemed a litter of kittens waddled towards the invitingly plush belly and began suckling. Jaehyun disagreed as it slowly sank in what was happening. He felt his belly rumble in hunger.

Somehow, this large tiger felt Jaehyun's reluctance and clumsily but softly shoved Jaehyun close to its belly. The white tiger was a mother to four cubs, and Jaehyun was one of them.

The mother tiger laid down and yawned, blinking slowly until she shut her eyes. He saw there was an available area where he could suckle in between the two cubs on the left and the one on the right.

Jaehyun screamed, but again, there was only a pathetically small sound that left his throat. After minutes of waiting, he grew weaker and found it was futile. This baby tiger body he was in much strongly disagreed with the emptiness of its stomach.

So he nursed on warm milk and he began to dream he was a white tiger cub.

Except it wasn't a dream, and he remained trapped in this body up he slowly grew stronger and stronger.

Jaehyun began to recall the voice of his mother, his real mother, in his sleep. She warned him of spirits in the rivers, in the trees, in the mountains, and how it was the king's duty to protect the people from it.

It made him think that the white tiger he was following in the mountain may have been a spirit, and this was the punishment for wanting to hunt it. That white tiger spirit made Jaehyun the cub of a real white tiger. He knew this tiger he now trusted like a mother was not the one he had been following in the forest by the mountains, simply because this forest they roamed where not by those mountains.

He knew that place like the back of his hand since he both grew up there and hunted there frequently. Jaehyun found no familiarity in the landscape here. It smelled very similar, but even in that he could tell a difference. There was a repulsive bitterness in the air he could not distinguish. It was unlike any smoke he had breathed in. He began to doubt he was even still in his Joseon borders.

What he was certain of, after moons and suns passed, was there was no way he was getting out of this body. He thought of killing the cubs, but it seems the cub-body he was in was the weakest of the four. And of course, killing the mother came into mind, but he could barely fend himself from the cubs, how could he defeat the largest of them all?

Jaehyun vowed to learn their ways and use it against them once he was large enough. One may think it despicable, especially when Jaehyun trusted the tiger mother would not harm him, but it was his only chance as he could see it.

That was until a storm struck the forest, and it awakened a vivid memory of Jaehyun. It was like his last night with Donghyuck. He had just told him he would catch a white tiger for him. They had bathed in the royal bathing house. Jaehyun shivered under his fur at the memory of the warm water Donghyuck farted it.

Donghyuck.

He could help him.

Why hadn’t he thought of looking for his friend before?

So from the dry safety of this cave they stayed in, Jaehyun ran past the licking cubs and ran into the storm. He didn't know how he could find Donghyuck, but Jaehyun thought he would probably at least find his palace... Right?

It was funny that he heard chuffing from behind. He initially thought it was the rain beating down on him or the water that got into his furry ear, but he realized it was the mother tiger calling out to him. She ran after him and snatched him by the nape to drag him back into the cave.

Jaehyun knew there was no way out of this, since this tiger had done it to him multiple times. He had to wait until she put him down before he could run again.

And she did, gently on the other cubs. Jaehyun made sure to paw the largest of the other three in the face. He was satisfied when he shook his head at the action.

The mother tiger then shook off the water on her coat just as Jaehyun did. She then thought to lie in front of the opening of the cave to block further passage, as if she knew Jaehyun would try it again.

He had to admit, this mother was intuitive, not unlike Jaehyun's own mother. Part of him couldn't help but feel pity of the dumb creature because she genuinely believed Jaehyun was her cub. If she only knew what he did to tigers in his life. She surely would not hesitate to let Jaehyun leave.

Jaehyun suddenly got his head bashed into the mother tiger's arm.

WHO DID THAT?

He turned and saw it was one of the other cubs in the litter that then made one of those playing sounds and began to batter at Jaehyun's face with its paw.

Jaehyun scoffed, you don't know I've been practicing my pouncing.

He then put his front legs down and hind legs up and aimed for the annoying cub. He then jumped to its face and began gnawing at him. Haha, serves him right.

But suddenly the fat cub joined in and went at Jaehyun and the other cub. At this point they were really going at it. Jaehyun screeched for help, knowing it would alert the mother, to which the mother tiger did then sound back a warning to the cubs which made then pull back instantly.

Serves them right.

Jaehyun decided he was too tired to run away today, and wasn't even sure how to catch prey yet, nor was he big enough to kill something larger than sparrows, so he should probably stay and learn that first.

He turned and saw that one of the other cubs were being licked, to that Jaehyun felt vexed because as far as he remembered, he was the one that got wet and needed excess water off his coat.

So he then shoved his cub brother to the side and took all the warm licks from his mother tiger.

It dawned on him why this tiger went after him. Jaehyun had been left to nothing but thinking. Mother tiger wouldn't have been upset that she only three cubs left, she would be upset because she lost one. This tiger, after all, was still a mother, aside from being a beast.

Through time, Jaehyun grew fond of her. Jaehyun realized she was very patient and her favorite food was deer. He even grew fond of the annoying cubs enough that he gave them their own names. The big oaf he named Youngho, the daintier one, Jungwoo, and the more refined one, Taeyong.

He didn't have to name his tiger mother since she was set apart, but Jaehyun decided to call her Aerum, which meant beautiful.

There was a roar of thunder in the sky one day, only it wasn't raining and there were no dark clouds. It was the first time Jaehyun felt palpable fear in this form. It was so intense he ran to his mother.

He saw something moving in the sky. Jaehyun's tiger eyes widened as he decided it was most probably a dragon. His mother did not seem to fear it, and so he thought the five of them could probably kill that dragon if it came near enough. In the clear sky, Jaehyun could not believe what he saw. He began to doubt it was a dragon all together since it looked nothing like one. It had no scales and was silvery smooth, it neither had a head to breathe fire from, nor did it have impressive flapping wings. In fact it wings didn't beat like a bird's at all, which made Jaehyun wonder how it was flying anyway.

He soon forgot about the encounter with that wannabe dragon. Jaehyun knew he had nothing to worry about anyway since he was with his mother.

That is until there was a slipping sound from not too far and it alerted everyone of them.

Jaehyun breathed in deeply and smelled something different in the air. He heard what he could never mistake, the hushed arguments of humans.

He turned to mother tiger and saw her defences were up. They were being hunted.

It somehow made Jaehyun both relieved and concerned that mother tiger knew exactly what was happening.

There was suddenly crack in the air and it made Jaehyun's hair raise. He could not distinguish the sound. It sounded something like a canon, but it was not as loud. He knew arrows would not sound as such, so it frightened him that he did not know what it was.

It all happened so quickly, so quick in fact that it made Jaehyun realize how terrifying it is to be hunted.

They were upon then. There were three hunters with blood shot eyes. Jaehyun wondered what county these people came from that they dressed so awkwardly and held black sticks wherever they went.

But then they aimed at Youngho and head was cracked open. He fell instantly without a sound, and all they could do was run.

Jaehyun heard them laugh for joy, but I knew they would not stop until they got all of us.

The cracking sounds, Jaehyun realized, came from the weapons he thought to be sticks. It smelled hot and malicious. He loathed them.

They were bought to a mountainous area. Surely they could not keep up with them if they climbed high enough. Jaehyun was perturbed when they saw the men in some sort of machine with wheels. It had to be the most terrible thing he had seen.

They thundered towards them. Jaehyun knew they were aiming for their mother. Still, they ran and ran. Jaehyun wondered if he could try and lead them astray if he separated from them. So he did and breathed heavily as he ran with all his legs.

Crack.

Crack.

Jaehyun was scared they were shooting for him but he dared to turn back and jar his teeth out. It was then he saw Jungwoo fell flat and so did Taeyong from behind. His mother was now running towards him.

Their mistake was to stop and gather Jungwoo and Taeyong's bodies. As much as it enraged Jaehyun to see them, it made mother tiger furious. She began to charge towards them, and so did Jaehyun.

The fools somehow did not know it was coming, and the three that had been on their tail were scared for their lives that they had not time to act.

She came for their throats and ripped them off with her mighty power. I came for the leg of the other that tried to flee and when he fell on his face, when for his neck as well.

Crack.

The man shot at mother but only got her leg. She tried to come for him next, but he tried again and then shot at her head. Once she was down, he shot at her again, and again, and again, and again, until he could no longer make a cracking sound with his weapon.

This was his mistake. He realized this when he and Jaehyun caught each other's eye. Jaehyun was pleased he looked terrified beyond compare.

Donghyuck always said he got into a frenzy whenever he's just gotten his sword slick with blood after he's gotten off of the battlefield or done with a hunt. But in truth it was the chase that excited him, and not what he has slain. But Jaehyun knew for certain that he was going to enjoy killing him.

Jaehyun knew he deserved to die a miserable death when he ran like a coward and didn't think to raise up one of the weapons his friends had. He was upon him, but then out came more people. They were in the same machines the three came in, and there were much more of them. Jaehyun would be a fool if he thought he could take them. He had no sword, no army. He barely had fangs and claws.

Jaehyun decided to slow down. He came to a halt when he saw these people were seemingly not on his side. They apprehended his mother’s kill. They shoved him against a tree and bound his wrists behind him. He was half pleased, he would be fully if he could rip his throat out.

But then there was you.

You came out of the same contraptions the ones who killed the tiger brothers did but you came out slowly.

You wore the same thing they did, but you held a different expression.

There was a man next to you that raised a similar weapon the other men had, but you told them to stand down.

You brought out meat. It smelled old, but it made Jaehyun realize he was so hungry. So hungry, and scared.

He knew you were trying to win him over. But he knew better than to easily trust a stranger. Then he thought of how the people on your team apprehended his mother's killer, and how you told off the man who was going to aim at him. Jaehyun decided he could take the meat you had and run.

You slowly crouched down and tossed the meat to him. Jaehyun thought it smelled unlike the meat he had eaten before but decided to eat it.

Jaehyun decided to bolt, but there was a sound of a fired arrow in the air, and he so suddenly he couldn't feel his legs.

When Jaehyun woke up, he was in a cage. It wasn't made of wood, but metal. There was food and water in a metal bowl in front of him, but he knew better than fall for that again.

He looked around the room with white lights that had no flame. There were dried plant stalk on the ground, much like a prison cell but it was only Jaehyun.

"Hi there," you spoke when you came into view. You smiled at Jaehyun’s tiger form and stuck your finger into the cage to point at the food.

Jaehyun thought if he wanted, he could bite it off.

"I'm sorry Dongyoung had to tranquilize you. I'm sure you must feel horrible."

Oh, don't try to sympathize with terms I don't understand.

"You should eat. I promise no one will shoot at you."

Jaehyun and you stare at each other. He decides he would rather get shot and join his tiger mother and brothers that live the rest of his life in this cage with you as his captor

You expected no less than the reaction you were getting. Still, you continued with what yow wanted to say, "You must feel so angered and lonely."

Jaehyun watches as you sit on the floor you stood on. He paces around the cage as you continue, "I saw what you did to the man. You tore his calf and punctured airway, suffocating him with his blood. Impressive for your size, honestly."

I would've killed his friend too had you not taken him.

"And you should know, the poacher who killed your mother is going to spend the rest his life in prison for hunting the last snow tigers in the country."

Jaehyun freezes. Hunting? Jaehyun begins to wonder then who has made the act illegal.

Could it be Donghyuk? Does that mean he ascended to the throne. That seems unprobable, when his cousin Sungchan has been eyeing the throne since he was born and Donghyuk had no desire for power. And why would Donghyuk make it illegal anyway? Could he possibly know his king was turned into a tiger?

A thousand questions ran into Jaehyun’s head.

"Don't worry, I'm fighting to pass a law that can protect you and your kin with the U.N.," you say suddenly, which further baffles Jaehyun.

Who is the world are you to have such a power? And who was this Yooen?

"Now come and eat, tiger cub. The sooner you get big and strong, the sooner we can release you back into the wild."

Based on that, Jaehyun didn't believe you at all at this point. He knew you had to at least be blantantly aware he was not a cub. Sure he was not nearly as large as his mother yet, but he was neither a defenseless suckling baby. You said it yourself, he killed a man.

You watched as the caged tiger continued to pace inside. You knew animals could feel and mourn, but somehow you felt this tiger was scheming. You knew this white tiger was still leaning into maturity, since it took a long time for him to kill the poacher. It excited you that you’d be able to spend a few months with such a rare and majestic creature.

Jaehyun decided to pretend he was going to try and trust you. He might learn a lot about his predicament from you since you shamelessly talked to the him as if he were still human.

His days began like this for a while, there would be food given everyday in what he observed to be the exact same time, and you would randomly come and talk and talk and talk and talk.

Jaehyun supposes he got on your good side when you drew him into a cage and let him into a grander setting. It was in a vast cage outside, not like the stuffy one he was originally in. Prison was still prison, but at least he couldn't see all four walls on one side.

There was initially a drawback with that. In this enclosure, as you called, you were much more present, and became more bolder. You began to touch Jaehyun, which made him shudder. How dare you touch the king of Joseon?

"You're such a drama queen," you would quip everytime Jaehyun jumped at your touch from behind the thin rodded cage.

"Maybe I should name you that, huh, drama queen," you jested. Jaehyun rolled his eyes and finished his chicken. You were bold no matter what. You were making fun of not only a white tiger, but the Tiger King. What's more, he found it annoying you gave him old chicken all the time.

"Wang," you said suddenly, which made Jaehyun stop his feeding. King, he hadn't been called that in so long.

You made a sound, "you seem to like that, huh. I guess that can be your name then, Wang."

It felt so sudden to you that Wang grew in to that what you proudly stated a fine tiger specimen. Jaehyun felt proud of himself whenever you would bring what he grew to learn were doctors who studies animals as their profession.

You and Jaehyun at this point had grown comfortable enough that Jaehyun let you sit next to him and stroke his head while he slept. It was only you though. He hated it when that Dongyoung tried to touch him, or when he tried to touch you, especially when you'd let him.

On this breezy afternoon, he was saddened as he put his chin on your thighs. He had never been so vulnerable like so with a woman. Sure he had bedded gisaengs in his time, but he wouldn't let them touch him, much less stroke his head.

It saddened him more when he realized the reason why you and the rest of the people here wore such strange things and had such strange objects was because you no longer lived in the time of Joseon. After all the stories you've told about your day to Jaehyun, he has learned hundreds of years has passed between the time he was king and now.

You now were born into the country of Korea, a nation split in two; you were in its Southern part. You cared deeply for who you called Wang because Jaehyun lived in the body of the last white tiger in the country, the few left in the world. You were a doctor and an officer that protects the welfare of wild animals.

You were going to set him free in a few days.

That is, until this tiger was put in the enclosure next to Jaehyun's. He smelled afraid. He jumped at everything and had lash and burn marks on his body. It was clear to anyone humans inflicted these marks on him.

"Wang, this is Yuta. Be kind to him because all he's ever known is abuse from his captors."

Yuta, beyond smelling like fear, smelled like he was dying. He was clearly unwell. Jaehyun had to make sure you knew this somehow.

Jaehyun was unsure what you thought would happen, but Yuta barely came near him even though Jaehyun chuffed his way. He barely acted like a tiger, if you asked Jaehyun. Trust him, he knew.

You began to focus your time on Yuta more. For once, Jaehyun didn't mind, because he knew the battered tiger needed it. He didn't seem that much older than Jaehyun, which somehow made you think you would be instant friends. For your sake, Jaehyun tried to show him what could be done as a tiger. He flaunted his prowess in running, tree climbing, even in roaring.

Yuta didn't seem to care and stayed in his side of the enclosure.

Strangely enough, Jaehyun still tried to chuff at Yuta, and to his surprise, Yuta chuffed back.

You jumped into Dongyoung's arms upon seeing Jaehyun's victory, to which Jaehyun nearly lashed out for.

It was then, Yuta and Jaehyun slowly became to form a bond. They would meet each other in the middle of the enclosure and would pace around together. You began to suggest bringing each other into the same enclosure, to which Dongyoung strongly disagreed with. Jaehyun wanted a chance to prove that man wrong, and it was eventually given to him.

Everyone was apprehensive with the idea of putting two male tigers into the room, which was why Dongyoung held tightly onto that weapon of his, but you reason you were both not fully adults yet, so there is a chance Yuta and Jaehyun to bond.

And a bond was surely created.

Jaehyun felt his heart swell at the sense of companionship he had with Yuta. It was neither that of what he felt with Youngho, Taeyong, or Jungwoo, but he somehow felt an undefinable closeness with this tiger.

Yuta was not a white tiger like Jaehyun, but an orange tiger. You reasoned that could be a reason why you had a bond with each other, you were different to each other and there was no females present for competition.

Jaehyun began to think of you and Dongyoung, and how he could eat him without getting caught.

Again, the day of the new joint release of Jaehyun and Yuta came close.

You cried on what Jaehyun knew to be your last visit.

You led the two tigers into cages and shipped them into protected forest land.

Yuta waited for Jaehyun before coming out of the cage they were shipped in. Jaehyun felt something indescribable in his paws when he walked out. Recognition came into his senses. He gave out a roar and began running.

He found that he was being followed by Yuta as he wove through the forest. The breeze was not exactly that of his childhood, but there he saw the same mountain he tread upon when he was hunting a white tiger. Suddenly, he began to see a figure of a man running towards him. He held a sword and a determined look. It took a moment to realize that it was him.

He screams and jolts up. It seems he was lying on a leafy ground and sat up.

Donghyuck shouts, "the king is dead. Oh, lord let him not be dead."

Jaehyun snaps his head to the limping figure from afar who was struggling to stalk towards him. He quickly stands from his the ground he was sat on.

"Donghyuck-ah!" Jaehyun calls, running towards him and sealing him into a tight hug.

Donghyuck is nearly taken aback but pats the king's back, thinking the relief he felt was from his brush with death.

"Let's go home," Jaehyun mutters.

Donghyuck is flabbergasted that the king decreed the next day he would make hunting for sport illegal. Everyone is appalled by the sudden decree, but the law is quickly passed.

Donghyuck does not believe the story Jaehyun said, how he saw the white tiger he was following had four cubs and it made him realize that the tiger he was trying to hunt was a mother more than a beast. Still, he couldn't possibly dare try and argue with the king, no one did for that matter.

Since he had no white tiger pelt to offer, Jaehyun instead bought him a house just outside the palace as a birthday gift. On Donghyuck's day, the king even organized a house warming.

The birthday boy was not enjoying it however.

"Hyung, are you sure you're okay? You haven't been the same since we got home from the hunt."

Jaehyun turned to Donghyuck, who scowled at him. The older of the two placed a hand the younger’s shoulder, "It's already been four days since that incident. Drink some alcohol, relax."

Donghyuck sighs, "Why did you even buy me a house when I live in the palace?"

"Consider it your approval for freedom."

"What?"

Jaehyun pours Donghyuck a drink. "I know you find only burden in the throne. You were sent to the palace by your scheming father so he could get his hand in power. But your father is dead, and you are the head of your household." He turns to his own drink and sighs, "I know what it feels to be imprisoned. Follow your own path. You don't have to live the rest of your days worrying for me anymore."

Donghyuck watches as Jaehyun drinks.

"You are my king," Donghyuck says, "but before that, you were my brother and my best friend. I will gladly live my life close to you if you let me."

Jaehyun feels his lips curve and he scoffs out a chuckle, "ya, it's like you want me to marry you."

"Nope. I already have someone in mind to marry."

Jaehyun looks at Donghyuk with a baffled expression. The latter drinks his drink and mutters lowly "you don't possibly believe I don't get around, hyung?"

The king slaps Donghyuk's shoulder, which nearly makes him spit out his drink, "bring the lucky fool to the palace tomorrow."

Jaehyun has never regretted a decision before, but as Donghyuck knelt there with that person he said he wanted to marry beside, he began to regret something wholeheartedly.

Donghyuck wanted to marry... this? This person that had your face.

How... how could he... how could your face exist in this time.

Donghyuck and this person were knelt before him in his throne room. Jaehyun was stiff on his throne and he quite frankly didn’t know what to do. He left the room in a thick silence. His throat was caught in anxiety. Donghyuck noticed his lover was beginning to get uncomfortable, so he snuck a look at the king and found his face was pale.

“Your majesty,” Donghyuck spoke in concern.

Jaehyun snaps out of it, “how long have you been seeing each other?”

“Two years, your highness.”

He hisses, “you have been going behind hiding this from me for two years?!”

Donghyuck knits his brows and his lover squeaks in fear.

“SURE!” Jaehyun shouts and he stands, “you traitors should get married and get out of my sight!”

Jaehyun got drunk that night and wandered out into the mountains. He bought a bottle of alcohol with him and threatened to kill anyone who dared stop or accompany him.

Of course the servants alerted Donghyuck about this, which was why he ran after the king with a torch.

“WHAT KIND OF CURSE IS THIS?” Jaehyun screamed as he slung his alcohol bottle around, “you want my best friend to marry someone with that face?” Jaehyun began to laugh, “I made hunting illegal! What more do you want from me?!”

“MY KING!” Donghyuck shouted when he caught sight of Jaehyun.

When he got close enough, Donghyuck took reached out to Jaehyun with his free hand. Jaehyun splashed alcohol on him, “I don’t to live like this.”

“Like what, hyung? Do you hate Aerum that much?”

“Aerum?” Jaehyun felt sober again.

“My woman, Aerum.”

“That woman’s name is Aerum?”

Jaehyun began to laugh again. Donghyuck grew uneasy. Jaehyun fell to his knees, his friend dashed over to him in concern. Jaehyun shook his head as Donghyuck talked to him like a gong being sounded. Jaehyun whispers, “I don’t want to live like this.”

But he had no choice.

Jaehyun and Donghyuck went back home. Donghyuck threw Aerum away for Jaehyun’s sake, but he began to slip into depression. It was then Jaehyun began to notice things he was blind to, like how Donghyuck always went out of the palace at a certain time, which he no longer did, and how he always smelled like oranges and had messy hair. No longer did his brother suddenly smile for no reason, nor did he ever ask for mooncakes anymore during lunch. It was then Jaehyun realized he had not hidden anything, but that he was blind to Donghyuck’s sentiments.

So Jaehyun told Donghyuck to marry her, to which he firmly declined. Jaehyun reasoned with lies on how he loved a woman with a similiar face when they were younger, but Donghyuck knew nothing of a woman like that. If he had, he wouldn’t have dared liked Aerum in the first place.

“Do you love her?” Donghyuck asked Jaehyun.

Jaehyun saw the desperation in Donghyuck’s eyes as he asked him this. He was praying he’d say no. Jaehyun spoke firmly, “I don’t.”

Donghyuck believed him, but he wasn’t satisfied.

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” Jaehyun said. He chuckled bitterly to himself, “I don’t even believe myself.”

“The truth can be hard to believe, but it’s still the truth,” Donghyuck said.

Jaehyun looked at his dear friend and licked his lips, “alright.”

Donghyuck believed every word, to Jaehyun’s astonishment. Jaehyun told him that Areum was not you. Donghyuck was still reluctant when Jaehyun gave him a hairpin to offer Areum, but when the lovers met again, it was easy to fall back in love.

They got married a week later, and it wasn’t long until they welcomed a son into the world. The couple allowed the king to name the boy, and so Jaehyun called Haechan, which meant to shine bright uprightly.

Jaehyun watched as the boy grew stonger, taller, and better in archery than he was at this age. He too watched as Donghyuck began to get slower, and he slowly realized that the world was changing and yet he wasn’t.

It was when Donghyuck had a daughter that both Jaehyun and Donghyuck came to terms with the fact the former was not ageing. At this point, Heachan was eight and brave enough to ride a horse. Donghyuck and Jaehyun looked like they were the same age, or how Areum joked, Donghyuck looked older than the king.

Jaehyun at a point realized if he was not aging, he could meet you again.

So when a time of war came, Jaehyun saw it as a chance to disappear. Donghyuck decided greatly against it. Since Jaehyun took no bride, it meant his cousin Sungchan would succeed the throne. He told him not to worry, and that he would keep a close on eye everything once he was gone.

And so he did.

The line of succession shifted. The colors of the sky changed. Haechan had a son, and his son had a son, and his son had a son, but Jaehyun roamed on his own.

“That’s basically the story of the Tiger King,” Jaehyun smiled his dimpley smile that made all the lined up teenager sound out, impressed with the story.

“So, basically, the Tiger King is still alive, Mr. Jung,” one of the students asked as they moved to the next painting in the museum. Jaehyun looked at the child and thought her eyes reminded him of yours.

“Yes. I think so,” Jaehyun spoke.

“Are you the Tiger King?” another voice spoke, pointing at the ancient drawing behind glass, “you look like him?”

Jaehyun hummed and adjusted the glasses he wore for show, “I get told a lot that I look like him. Would you believe me if I said yes?”

The class cheered, “yes!”

Jaehyun chuckled, “okay then. I am the tiger king.” He said, curling his fingers and pretend growling. The teenagers laugh, fully pleased that he was in on what they believed to be a joke.

By the end of the tour, Jaehyun escorted the students to their bus, where their teacher was waiting for them. And for the first time in years, Jaehyun felt his heart pound at the sight before him.

A group of girls ran up to their teacher and muttered to her how cute the tour guide was. They got a chuckle in response.

“Thank you Mr. Jung for taking care of my kids,” you spoke as you made your way towards him from the bus. Jaehyun looked at you for a prolonged moment, which made you raise your brows slightly.

“So you’re their pretty teacher?” Jaehyun spoke.

You froze for a moment, which made Jaehyun feel smug. He placed his hands in his grey pants’ pockets and clarified, “I mean, the kids described you as ‘their pretty teacher’, that must be you.”

You looked at him for a moment and nodded slowly. Jaehyun smiled, “are you teaching science perhaps?”

You again nod slowly.

“I love science, anthropology and biology especially."

You nod and chuckle nervously, unsure of what to say.

Jaehyun decides to clarify again, "are you teaching part time?"

"Uh, I'm actually going to be a full time faculty soon."

He grows a little confused, "I see. I don't know for some reason you pegged me as a zoologist. Maybe it's because your kids kept singing 'In the jungle the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight'."

You blush, "yeah, sorry, I actually studied zoology which is why I am so passionate about teaching animals to my kids. I unironically play that song a lot in class."

Jaehyun smiles, "well, you know. I think you're interesting and I do agree with your students that you're pretty. Could I possibly get your number?"

"SAY YES, MISS!"

You and Jaehyun turn to the kids sticking their head out in the window. Jaehyun snickers lowly. You begin to burn from head to toe, you feel like. You turn to Jaehyun and turn away, "I'm sorry. I-" Jaehyun watches as you fumble for words and he has honestly never seen you in this light before. You've always been so confident around him as a tiger, and yet you were so timid in front of him as a man. "I'm on the job right now."

Jaehyun nods with a soft smile as you turn around and walk away. No hard feelings. It's not like he's been waiting his whole life for you or anything. He calls out, "visit me sometime, okay?" 

The teens squeal.

He watches as the bus drives off and takes note of the school name.

[nayarablueglasses]

requested for: no

a/n: idk i wrote this for my HLATS so it’s weird. hope you enjoy! @thedevilsdaywear​ and you said i wasn’t organized smh also serious apologies for not actually making my promised content in ages. feel free to send in asks! i can almost promise you that as long as it fits my requirements, i’ll be sure to write it! i never have asks, so it means a lot when i get one.

(divider credits to @firefly-graphics​)

summary: you, iwaizumi, and oikawa are in the student council and join in on a meeting.

warning/genre: man idek, there’s mentions of oikawa not being interested in girls, you’re in a poly relationship w/ iwaizumi+oikawa, iwaizumi calls oikawa “prettyboy,” I JUST REALIZED I MADE TAKEDA THE SCHOOL COMMITTEE CLUB COUNCILLOR SO UH I GUESS I ACCIDENTALLY MADE HIM HAVE CONFIDENCE AND A SECOND JOB, THAT’S IT???

reader pronouns: not mentioned/gender neutral

“Making the schoolyard more interesting? Prettykawa, what are you talking about?” Hajime shook his head at Tooru, who had just joined me and Hajime in waiting for the school council’s club councilor- Takeda Ittetsu- to come unlock the clubroom doors.

“No, come to think of it, didn’t Takeda-sensei mention something about having a new project to ‘improve the school’ last meeting, didn’t he?” I rubbed my head, trying to recall the exact words he’d used. “I think he said…”

Takeda’s voice came from behind us “‘We might try a new beneficial school activity tomorrow!’” Turning, we could see Takeda standing with his hands on his hips, smile on his face. “Hope you weren’t waiting long!” Walking past us after greeting us cheerfully to unlock the door. By now, the rest of the school council had amassed around us, and we filed into the council room after the rest had passed.

Tooru held a cocky look on his face- until Hajime smacked him on the back of his head. “Just because you were right about that doesn’t mean you should suddenly have a look like that on your face!”

“Mean Iwa-chan!” Tooru whined. Still, he sat down to my left, musing up my hair and threw a playful glare at Hajime, who sat to his left. Irritatedly, I sent him a harsh look and tried to return my hair to it’s (admittedly already messy) original state, muttering profanities under my breath. My attention returned to Takeda, however, when he stood up from his seat and clapped his hands.

“I have a proposal for you all!” He announced to the room.

Tooru scoffed, leaning down to my ear to whisper, “If he was planning on getting back up this whole time, why’d he sit down? Besides, he’s the club councillor, if he says something then it goes. Doesn’t he know that?”

I whispered back, “Shut up! You know he’s new at this. And anyways, you should appreciate your elders and teachers who also respect your opinions.” Hajime caught my eyes, ears practically picking up when he realized we were gossiping.

In classic Hajime style, he hit us both on the back of our heads. “Pay attention!” Ow. I’d be sure to get Tooru and Hajime back for that later.

Attention once directed back to Takeda, we realized the room was staring at us. Tooru sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck, already making the girls in the class start swooning. I rolled my eyes. Sure, he put on a prettyboy popular persona, but when was his fanclub going to realize he wasn’t into girls like that?

“Well, what do you two think?” Takeda asked me and Tooru, confident in thinking we hadn’t heard him. Hajime snickered beside me.

“Uh... cleaning up the schoolyard sounds fun, but what if we... added stuff? To make it more interesting?” I tried answering with what Tooru had mentioned earlier- to which Tooru looked at me offended.

Takeda smiled. “Excellent idea! Why don’t we brainstorm what we could do to make the schoolyards more interesting?”

Immediately, the entire clubroom was echoing with noise, everybody shouting out ideas. Tooru flinched at the noise, but otherwise maintained his cool. He did, though, shoot me a look that very clearly said “I”m going to kill you for dragging me into this club.” I just responded with a nonchalant shoulder shrug and pointed at Hajime, to say, “Don’t blame me! Blame your boyfriend.” which would be hilarious when I explained what I meant to Tooru later, because the three of us were dating.

Pretty quickly, Takeda had calmed down the council members and brought out the “talking stick,” for us all to make suggestions with. Luckily, he gave it to Hajime first. Hajime was always the one with the good ideas. “What about a fountain?” Except that one.

“You dumbass! How would we get the money for a fountain!” Tooru teased.

Hajime threw the stick at his head. “If your ideas are any better, then YOU have the talking stick!” Which was, of course, what Tooru had wanted all along. Hajime and his hot head...

Tooru weaved the stick in and out of his fingers, pretending to muse over his options. Then, he said, “I’ve got it! How about a snack stand! And we’ll sell milkbread! Hmm, what do you think about that?” He rested the stick against his lips, smiling. The others in the club looked uncertain.

I snatched the stick out of his hands. “And you called Hajime-kun a dumbass? Where are we going to get the money for milkbread, idiot? It’ll go bad before we even sell it! Don’t we already sell milkbread in the snack machine?”

He stuck his tongue out at me. “Alright, well, what’s your bright idea consist of, huh?”

“Secrets! Secrets! You don’t get to know my idea!” I cried, making Hajime laugh.

“He’s got you there, Prettykawa. You don’t get to know his idea if he doesn’t tell you.” Laughing as he pat Tooru’s back. Tooru looked put out, but we’d been going on and hogging the talking stick for so long that the bell rang almost immediately after that.

We jumped out of our seats, Tooru dragging me and Hajime along. “Come on, let’s go get milkbread from the vending machine!”

“Dumbass! Slow down!”

[iamanartichoke]

Sometimes  I really do think a lot about how I have no idea how much of Thor/Thor’s feelings for Loki are arguably canon, and how much I’ve projected onto him based on fanon and fic. I was reading some of my old meta and while there’s lots going on under the surface of Thor that I and others have taken a stab at exploring, the films - all of them - really leave a lot to be desired, insofar as how Thor treats Loki: 

Thor never says I love you. 

Thor never pushes beyond surface-level. 

Thor seems more willing to just believe that Loki has simply “turned evil” than willing to put in the emotional energy to figure out why. 

Thor is content to leave Loki in prison indefinitely, and has no narrative issue with Loki’s life sentence (in fact, he even makes sure Loki knows that Thor intends to put him right back in prison after their road trip to Svartalfheim). Frigga intervened; Thor didn’t. Would Thor have been okay with Odin executing Loki? 

Beyond his initial heartbreak, he doesn’t seem very affected by Loki’s death in TDW. One could argue that he doesn’t seem very affected by Frigga’s death, either, and that’s bc Thor would rather push his emotions down and/or fight them out than express them but, again, is that actually true or is that a headcanon? 

He leaves Loki’s body on Svartalfheim and never asks after it or attempts to go back for it after Malekith was taken care of. 

His defense of Loki as a person in Avengers is undermined by “he’s adopted,” and he doesn’t really attempt to defend Loki after that. There’s no “this isn’t who Loki really is, something is wrong,” there’s no “I’ve known my brother for a literal millennium and seriously, this isn’t like him,” there’s no “Loki, even if this is you, I fucking love you anyway and I’m not going to stop loving you, so please let’s figure this out.” 

(Re that last point - the “broken crayon” scene from Buffy lives rent free in my head [15 years and 137,000 viewings later and it still makes me tear up], and I often compare it to Thor and Loki - how the closest thing we get to something similar is ‘we can stop it together’ on Avengers tower and how much is lacking from the latter. It’s all kinds of heartwrenching for a lot of reasons. I’m not saying there was narrative time or space for a full on broken crayon scene, I’m just saying they could have done better in showing Thor trying a little fucking harder.) (I realize Joss Whedon did both of these scenes. my point stands.)   

I don’t have much of a point in writing all of this out, and I am certainly not trying to start any Thor wank so please don’t let this post spiral, it’s just something I think about a lot and was specifically thinking about today bc of how far apart Thor and Loki have come in canon. 

And not to make this about Ragnarok but I often feel like a catalyst of the frustration in how Thor treats Loki in Ragnarok and how their ‘reconciliation’ leaves a lot to be desired for a lot of people, is that - I’m not really sure how to articulate it except to say that the first half of the franchise gave us a broken, complex relationship with a ton of unexplored potential and, by having Thor kinda change things up regarding how he treats and interacts with Loki, and having the narrative slap a band-aid on the relationship before killing Loki off, there’s that extra bitterness of, okay, I guess we’re never going to explore any of that potential. And that’s ... you know, something that sucks. 

Ftr, I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with projecting a lot of fanon/headcanons onto Thor and/or Thor’s behavior in the films irt Loki. Personally, I wouldn’t enjoy their relationship as much without the supplemental metas and headcanons and fanon things (even things as simple as Thor having a lock of Loki’s hair braided into his own). I’m just acknowledging that it’s a thing that happens, at least with me, and how disappointing it is to remember that a lot of Thor’s motivation and character development comes more from meta than from actual source material. 

Plus, it’s more than a little irksome to see that the widespread assumption about Loki is that there were no more stories to be told after he died and until they reinvented him and made him “fun,” (apparently that particular quote is going to stay under my skin for awihile and idek where it came from - one of the reviews, I think? I saw it on my dash somewhere, idk) because like - *gestures like Will Smith at his and Thor’s relationship and all the unexplored nuance and complexity* 

Like, come on.