#idek if he's from south carolina

[bbeboppp]

𝘈 𝘔𝘈𝘛𝘈𝘋𝘖𝘙'𝘚 𝘋𝘙𝘌𝘈𝘔・Sergeant Barnes x reader

I can fix him... I swear..

• matador /ˈmatədɔː/

noun 1.a bullfighter whose task is to kill the bull.

• Among foxholes, tunnels, battlefields, ruins, and the dense foliage of the Vietnamese jungle, many men evolve past recorded evolution. They become machines of war; tricked by rich superiors they will never meet that their brutality and unpredictable deaths are as vital to the ecosystem of economy, government, and control as rainwater is to the ecosystems they destroy to obtain this rumoured brilliance. All men in such circumstances go through similar events; only their minds differ their experiences. Some say another day survived is another day closer to home, to their darling, to quiet tranquil slumber.

• Barnes differed from his men, no, his subordinates. The majority of men had fresh faces with round eyes, conversed often and loudly, struggling with an inner moral compass. They were drafted in; unfortunate sons with no silver spoons. Among these bodies of flesh was yet another body, of the same mortal, woundable flesh; yet none of them seemed to speak or think of him as such. Sargeant Barnes is hard to imagine as young, smooth-skinned or with sparkling eyes. Every piece of imagery connected with him plead to differ; he had darkened cool blue eyes, the type to cut you down the middle slowly with a lengthy stare. He had handsome features, but the healed scars curving, sliding, splitting up his facial structure that dipped like canyons on the plains of his face were seen first. He was the elephant man, in a slighter, twisted way. He remembered the days he was beautiful, and with no vanity in it, he mourned tearlessly the day he lost it. The monster within him had torn at his flesh and leaked it's terribleness out onto him, dripping and trickling out to show the rest of the world what kind of man he was.

• A matador. He did not adorn dazzling pieces from an expensive wardrobe, instead he wore an identical to many uniform, a helmet on his head, ladder-laced boots on his feet. He flashed no red cape at the approaching bull, but he held his M16 into the unknowing dark abyss of what dread and tragedy tomorrow was capable of. He was a man who killed, and was never to be killed. He served a pointless war led by commanding men far away, just as a matador entertains the masses who care not for him, but for how much of a spectacle he can put on to prove he can kill a bull. Instead of applause, praise and luxury, he will be granted money and hide away from society at the end of it all, as long as he manages to outlast the bull.

• Such a stone-hearted, ice-cold man had no time for casualties. He wrote no letters home, he received none, he engaged in no card games, he was not invited either, he sat alone with Jack Daniels, his only friend, and the heaviness of alcohol carried him into sleep. In dreams, a woman held him. His head rested on her chest, his arms limply around a figure parallel to him, warm, sweet-smelling breath on his head from a face up above. He dreamt in silence, awkward lengths of time with little to no dialogue. It was divinatory, a glimpse into heaven, somewhere he had decided to doom himself into believing was out of reach for him; something he did not deserve.

• Barnes remembers how it was seeing you for the first time. You were so casual about your beauty, about the way your hair fell or swerved around your shoulder when you moved your head, the expressions you pulled on your face, the way your lips parted and moved when you spoke, the squint and shine in your eyes when they winced as you laughed.

• Maybe before a shrapnel had carved into his face he could've stood a chance speaking to women. The few he met in Vietnam saw him for what he saw himself too as; a rotten apple, a man who was hard to imagine once as someone's young son, someone clueless to the cruelty of war, and what soldiers were left to deal with in the aftermath. He could imagine how much more difficult coming back home to America could be, if he made it back at all. Barnes had decided, once, late at night, sobering up as the sunrise crept light onto the dark green land that he should die here. Out here, in the battlefield, shot or blown or cut up. If heaven existed, he would never reach it. If Valhalla did though, maybe he'd make it there.

• An ambush, a bloody, swift, unpredicted ambush is what massacred half the platoon. Bullets flew, whizzing past ears and limbs and heads dotted with fearful eyes. Men shouted on both sides, at each other, at the opposite sides. No bother the language barrier, the rage of war would be conversed. A slow, terrible stagger back to base ensued. After running for maybe fifteen minutes your lungs run out of breath, the adrenaline cans empty and you run out of fuel. Men carried their companions into the medic tents, shoulders slung over each other, or the worse off on stretchers. Barnes stood outside the tent, lighting a cigarette bent from sitting alone in his pocket for who knows how long. It had a stale taste.

• Maybe three hours, maybe four hours passed by before Barnes solitary staring into the distant jungle was interrupted. "Sergeant?" You, tired yet still attentive stood by the entrance. Your uniform had odd drops of browned red freckling it's white cloth from handling, helping, attending to and being around the wounded and dying. "You need me to look at that?" You pointed to a cut that had been bleeding down his arm for a while now. Barnes figured it wasn't killing him, so it wasn't a problem; he didn't need any medical attention. "'M fine, you go check on'em worse off than me." He turned his head away, a cigarette between his two calloused fingers. "Thing is, I have. Everyone's been seen, except you."

He raised his head, meeting your eyes. He waited to see a reaction. Most people squirmed uncomfortably, like a small animal under a hard boot, when Robert decided to stare at them. He watched your face, if you ever glanced at his scars fretfully or bashfully avoided his gaze to look at your shoes instead. You kept his gaze, meeting it with soft eyes; something he hadn't met in a very long time. You were looking at him because you cared. You shouldn't, he thought.

"C'mon inside, honey." You ushered, quietly, tilting your head in persuasion. You blinked slowly, unintentionally entrancing. He was a beautiful man you thought, one that shouldn't of been sitting on a crate surrounded by trodden mud with a sad stare, hurt and wearing a stone mask.

• The tent had two rooms; one with fold-out beds filled with pain-medicated privates, most now asleep, the other being the inventory room. A small table and chair were tucked into a corner of the small inventory room, beside stacks of crates and glass cabinets for viewing medications. Drawers of needles, pills, all running low on quantity. Barnes pulled the chair out from it's tucked position beneath the table. He faced it towards the opposite wall, where you opened a drawer taking out a suture needle.

• "You're gonna need stitched, I'm sorry to say." You spoke over your shoulder. He took a moment, finding you hilarious. His face had been stitched up a thousand times, he could bare a one or two on his arm. "That's alright." He drawled in a Southern accent, crossing his arms as he leaned back in comfort.

You turned to him now. He lifted his shirt sleeve a little, and turned his torso to the left to let you get better access to the wound. You stood between his legs, leaning forward. He watched your face this time as well, if you were scared by being so close to him. If your hands shook when you touched his skin and sewed up his wound. If you held your breath, if you gulped, if your forehead began collecting beads of sweat. None of these cynical predictions came though.

"Where are you from, with an accent like that?" You asked, completing the first stitch. Your fingers graced his skin briefly during this contact, Barnes could feel something warm inside him burn.

"South Carolina." Robert spoke slowly, his eyes leaving your face, examining the rest of you chastenedly. You were just another pretty nurse indulging in small talk, you had no interest in him he supposed. Nothing will come of this moment he thought, but your normality, your casualness around him was being silently adored, and he closed his eyes to cherish the moment.

"Never been there." You finished the second stitch. Barnes opened an eye to peek down, thinking it was over, but he needed one last stitch.

"You got a sweetheart waiting for you at home?" You asked coolly, keeping your eyes to the wound, not daring to meet his glare now. Barnes instead stared at you, those cold blue eyes assessing everything; your tone, your question, your body language.

• Only now did Barnes consider the nurse standing between his legs stitching him up making small talk despite his coldness may be taking some sort of interest in him. Maybe it was a joke, to try approach him and woo him over, to tame the animal disguised as a man.

After a long internal monologue with himself, Barnes answered. "No." His voice was simple, easy to assume as cold, but the relaxation of his face plead otherwise. He was relaxed.

"A handsome man like you? No one waiting on you?" You seconded, looking at him momentarily with a playful grin, pausing your work to do so. "Don't try me." His voice, his face, like clockwork, returned to sternness.

Snip. The last stitch was completed. You stayed where you were, both your thighs touching, neither moving.

"What?" You looked down at the seated man, the face of a broken, forsaken statue of a stony angel stared back. God was he golden, if only he could believe that himself.

"I don't like sweet talk. You nurses talk to all them sorry bastards you need to stitch up like that." His cruel tone buttered everything over, he spoke with distaste on his tongue.

Neither of you moved, still. You didn't back up, he didn't move to stand up. You stared at him with thoughtful eyes, as if you knew what you wanted to do but feared consequences. Carefully, you placed the palms of your hands either side of his jaw, very slowly. His skin was hot, his dark eyes unblinkingly watched you, you felt him tense up in the ever slightest.

You slowly rubbed circles on his skin with your thumbs. Your expression was soft, your lips slightly curved into a smile, your eyes squinted in both concentration and admiration. He looked up at you, a confused, struggling feeling brewing within him. Longing, guilt, breathlessness, hesitant elation.

"You can trust me." You whispered, a warm smile on your face that melted his guard down. "OK?" You inched closer, still caressing his face as he sat without a word.

He tilted his chin downwards, parallel to your neck. Not suddenly, but much quicker than you, he leaned in, resting his head sideways along your collarbone. His arms lifted, his hands first grazing the side of your thighs before travelling up to hold you around your waist, pulling you closer for comfort.

That shocked you, you felt like you had witnessed the rarest thing in the world, like a zoologist watching a bear awake from hibernation. Like something inside of Barnes that had been kept behind concrete walls and barbed wire was now let loose, but in the gentlest way possible. You moved your hands from his face to his back, arms around his shoulders, caressing his shoulder blades and upper back ever so slowly.

You felt his hot breath on your chest, your heart quickened it's pace. Barnes could hear it through your ribcage, the pat pat pat suddenly speeding up. You moved a hand up, towards his head of hair, running your fingers through it. You breathed in his aroma of cigarettes, sweat, blood and the vegetation of the jungle he had brushed up against from hours earlier in the day.

He remembered his dream of being held, so simply, so fondly. In his moment, before he could even realise what the cold sensation on his cheek was, a tear ran from his eye. One lonely drop of liquid, that rolled down and hung at the bottom of his jaw. He bit his tongue, savaging back any other shred of emotion that wanted to escape. Now he could die. A cold death, lonely, painful, lengthy, any way at all. Because even for just a short moment, no matter it's realness, he was held and felt the comfort of a child, the safeness of a falseness, an indescribable warmth. Love.

[the-chicken-or-the-banana]

an incomplete list of northern-californian andrew minyard shenanigans

he gets pissed if anyone asks him if he can surf

the beaches are cold and rocky and gross, no one wants to learn surfing up here

he's totally used to weird weather (a 90° day can have a 50° night) but he absolutely cannot stand extreme temperatures

anything above 100° is reason to riot, and anything below a 40-50° is a good excuse to stay under blankets the whole day

hot days are more common in the bay area than hail, and there's never any snow, so moving to south carolina was a slap in the face

"nicky, do i need more warm clothes or more summer clothes?"

"both, andrew. both."

"why do you not have normal weather systems? just pick one"

andrew literally always carries a jacket with him out of habit

in the south, weather can fluctuate every few days, whereas in california, the weather literally changes every hour and there's almost always a breeze in the bay area

it takes him a long time to realize that hot days in the south just... stay hot. no need for a jacket.

(he still usually has one on hand though. never hurts to be prepared)

san francisco is so. goddamn. boring.

he might not have been there very often as a foster kid, but living like 20 minutes away from it in oakland makes the city really lose its novelty

(also the sfo and oakland rivalry can get very passionate at times. he was just always destined to dislike san francisco)

unironically uses the word "hella." he didn't realize it was a californian thing until it accidentally slipped out in front of the foxes and he got some very confused (and gleeful) stares

andrew calls the two main parts of california "norcal" and "socal" (for northern california and southern california). he cannot for the life of him understand why everyone else is so confused

he has a sort of inherent dislike for socal. he may have literally never been there but... the vibes. he just can't stand them

(andrew refers to socal as "fake california" in his head, as many norcal people do)

honestly, he's a pretty environmental person (aside from the smoking). you really can't live in the bay area without being overly conscious about recycling and sustainability

(he'll constantly bully kevin into separating trash, recyclables, and compostables. kevin never had to do that in the nest but andrew? he's very particular about this.

"kevin. how can you say you're healthy when you're making the planet unhealthy?"

"it's really not that big of a deal—" "it is. shut up and recycle.")

andrew absolutely detests the "sunny, warm, beach" stereotype of california, seeing how inaccurate it is for most of the state

neil likes to joke that jeremy and andrew represent the two extremes of california — sunny and bright vs cold and cloudy

andrew does not find this funny

(okay, maybe a little)

the biggest shock he ever faced was that safeway (a grocery store) wasn't a nationwide chain

apparently it's just a california thing (update: maybe a pacific coast thing?? idek)

"aaron, if tilda's not going to buy groceries, we will just go to safeway ourselves"

"andrew. there are no safeways here."

"... what"

"i was shocked too"

(it ends up being the first thing the twins bond over when they officially meet)

[swearwolf-writes]

A Bond Between Villains

A Bond Between People and Villains 2019 crossover (thanks @walkxthexmoon)

- you should’ve left while you still could

begins after the end of ABBP so be warned of spoilers immediately after the cut

so Adrian survives with the guilt of having dismembered a man - ptsd is a bitch

Victoria has the baby and it turns out to be a girl, Patricia, but Victoria died in childbirth, poor love

Adrian stays on the straight and narrow bcs he’s not gonna endanger his little girl with all that shit but it’s hard to keep a regular job while being a single father and ex-con so sometimes his neighbours look after her while he works and in return, he cooks and cleans for them

They like the kid but he’s an ex-con so they still don’t trust him

Meanwhile, George and Gloria are on holiday in Denmark in 2012 - it’s said to be a lovely place yk

ik the movies both came out in 2019 but let’s pretend Patricia was born in 2009 for sake of ages and shit

George and Gloria heard about a beautiful little girl who no one would miss - after all, living with a married couple in America has to be like heaven compared to living in a lil apartment with just her father

See The Monk knew some shit had to have gone wrong with the old man bcs he disappeared out of nowhere and so spread the word about a kid being on the market bcs child trafficking is fucked up and so is he so thank the Lord this is fiction

George and Gloria go and take Patricia from the neighbours, calling themselves Adrian’s uncle and aunt and saying that they were there to grab her - the shitty neighbours honestly felt better giving the three year old to a pair of strangers than her own father

Adrian sees them with her and chases them for as long as he can but he’s running and they’re in a car

He gets home and writes down their licence plate and car type bcs I hc that he’s got a good memory

Then he sketches their portraits so he can remember what the fuckers looked like bcs another hc, he loved drawing and it kept him going through prison bcs idek how long he was there but it still sucked ass

He takes a plane to South Carolina bcs SoCar plates

He finds them after two years (2014) and pulls a gun on them bcs he lost 2 years with his baby girl bcs of those fucks but he’s one guy in the middle of a country he barely knows so he’s kinda screwed

He ends up begging to stay with them - he’ll cook, clean, do whatever but he just needs to be his baby girl

So they let him and he is also usually chained up in basement but he’s got nicer clothes bcs he has to actually go upstairs (plus his chain is longer; Gloria made George make it long enough so that he could reach Patricia when she has nightmares bcs they don’t wanna hear her cry, it’s annoying apparently)

He’s not allowed to be in the main part of the house when George and Gloria aren’t there to supervise bcs he could try to escape and if he escapes, they kill Patricia so he knows not to try that

It’s been 5 years since Adrian’s been stuck there but he gets to be with his daughter so he can’t complain too much bcs at least she’s alive

Then along came Mickey and Jules and he hears two sets of footsteps but it’s not familiar and then they can hear crashing so it’s definitely not George and Gloria

He tells Patricia to keep quiet bcs if George finds them with the intruders, they’re dead

M+J find A+P and try to help them escape only for Adrian to say “it’s no use - leave while you still can, please” bcs it’s not like he hadn’t tried to undo the chains but to no avail

He tried to tell them about the keys being in George’s room (bcs in this ver there’s no way he’d keep the keys any place A can get to them)

M+J are kept separately and Adrian knows the shite Mickey’s going through unfortunately (i’m sorry for giving you more ptsd, buddy)

Adrian is kept in the basement while M+J are there bcs no way is he going to be allowed anywhere near the key

Adrian explains the situation to Jules quietly and swap trauma stories

He can’t help Jules but he fixes the bandage on Mickey’s leg and says he’s sorry for Gloria, he knows how that is

After Patricia tells them about the laundry shoot, he tells her that it ends up in Ethan’s room and Ethan’s a creepy doll not a child so get out asap and call for help

She escapes and meanwhile M+A are tortured slightly to tell George what’s going on (Adrian: luk dine øjne, kæreste (close your eyes, sweetheart)) and Mickey escapes

Meanwhile Jules ran up the road and kept running

Meanwhile Adrian can hear G+G talk about killing them bcs if they escape and snitch everyone’s screwed

So they make Adrian OD a little (‘no one’ll question a foreign ex-con ODing’) except Officer Wells came over so he ends up in the gym alone

He finds their coke and he feels sick bcs he remembers the old man but then remembers his daughter and knows he has to do something so he takes the shit and pretends to escape by doing the shoe-toss-and-hide thing

Jules called the cops and Officer Wells knew something was sketchy so they go on their way to the house with more than a couple of officers considering it’s a multiple hostage situation

He grabbed the keys while G+G were in the woods and frees Patricia and they grab the car and go bcs he already knew where the garage door clicker was and they gun it, pun intended, and get shot at but he just gets nicked on the shoulder

They meet up with M+J and G+G get arrested after the cops see the state of A+P plus when they find the recording of the other couples they killed

M+J go to prison for 3 months and get it reduced to 2 for good behaviour

A+P write them letters almost everyday (but they don’t send them all) and somewhere along the line, they realise they’d fallen in love bcs you don’t go through what they did together and not form some kind of bond

A+P are waiting for them when they get out and they go to Florida together and there it is born, Lykke Seashells (lykke meaning good fortune and happiness, that which they had found in each other’s company)

[holographicpresident]

11 questions game

I was tagged by @long4ssride ,Thanks for tagging me 💕

rules !!!

answer the 11 questions 

post 11 questions of your

 own tag ur friends ~

(Idek who to tag or what questions to choose,sorry if i randomly tag you <3)

IF YOU WEREN’T INTO KPOP, WHAT WOULD YOU BE BLOGGING ABOUT?Either food,memes or just a random blog

FAVORITE LYRIC YOUR BIAS HAS EVER SUNG OR RAPPED?

I would put some deep, inspiring lyric but i'm a sucker for B.A.P’s ‘OH LALA SHAKE IT SHAKE IT’ in Carnival and Marks Iconic ‘Uhhh and thats a long ass ride’

IF YOU COULD TRADE LIVES WITH AN IDOL FOR A DAY, WHO WOULD IT BE? WHY?

Mark Lee.I know hes super busy and i’d probably regret it but hes so loved by pretty much everyone he meets and i want to experience that too lmao.Plus I want the inside scoop on what NCT is up too rn ;)

HAVE YOU CHANGED/DO YOU PLAN TO CHANGE YOUR URL FOR OCTOBER/HALLOWEEN?

nah i’m too lazy

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE PERSONALITY TRAIT OF YOUR BIAS?

All of my bias’ have a few things in common.

They’re usual goofy,dorky and just plain fun but know how and when it's time to get serious.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE PHYSICAL TRAIT OF YOUR BIAS?

I LOVE HAECHAN AND JENOS MOLES OKAY (ALSO HAECHANS NOSE)

I LOVE CHENLES CHEEKS 

I LOVE DAEHYUNS EYES 

HIMCHAN IS ONE THICC BOI

These aren't even all my bias but those are some things I love about them physically

WHAT’S THE FARTHEST YOU’VE EVER BEEN FROM HOME?

Probably South Carolina (not that far considering I live in NYC)

WHAT MAKES YOU FOLLOW SOMEONE ON HERE?

Humor, personality or if they post stuff I like

WHAT’S YOUR CURRENT PHONE WALLPAPER?

Lockscreen is me and my parents

Home Screen is NCTs Haechan as the sun 

A SONG THAT ALWAYS MAKES YOU CRY?

'With You' B.A.P

‘I'm fine,Thank You’ Ladies Code

ANY GROUPS YOU’RE JUST NOW STARTING TO GET INTO?

At the moment no,but if you guys have any girl group recommendations let me know.Almost all of my favorite ggs are either inactive or disbanded :(

i tag @taemins-bff @justinjeonseagull @nct-dork @markleap @haechan-b (YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO IT I JUST DIDN'T KNOW WHO TO TAG :/ )

[minyavd]

The Foxhole Court Fic Rec IV Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V A ★ indicates fics I would reread every day if I had no life

Angst/Hurt/Comfort

Baltimore Blues by SpangleBangle He saw the duffel. It was battered all to hell and the strap was nearly torn from the bag, but it still glowed almost neon in the darkening night and streetlamp glare. Neil would never… He dropped to his knees beside it and rifled through it, looking for any sign, any clue as to where Neil might have run. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Until his fingers found the keyring. Until he found the phone.Andrew's perspective on the Binghamton riot and the walking tragedy that is Neil Josten.

Those That Broke Us by WriteThroughTheNight "Neil doesn't talk about his mom and doesn't think about what she'd do to him if she saw him now. He has a family, he has Exy, and he has Andrew. He has more than enough, more than he ever could have dreamed of.Neil doesn't talk about his mom until a warm fall day outside the locker room, waiting for the start of their game with his team and family. It's a place that she doesn't belong, where not even a memory of her belongs, but she wriggles her way in and takes root in his chest." Or Neil reveals, piece by piece, what life with his mom was like.

Alternate Universe

A Castle of Curses by Greenninjagal (WIP) Neil didn't mean to be found dying in the middle of the forest. He didn't mean to be saved by a couple mysterious voices. He definitely didn't mean to wake up in a castle.After a lifetime of run, run, running and lie, lie, lying Neil has no problem preparing to leave again. But upon waking up in a the rundown castle in the middle of nowhere, and no understanding of anything other than the people in it are extremely weird and hey-- wasn't that statue in another room before??-- Neil finds himself in a predicament he's never had to face before.Neil didn't mean to stay. And he most certainly didn't mean to wake the dragon.

★ call me in the afternoon by Jaylocked Neil had literally been tortured on several occasions, and that was still better than this. (written for the prompt: "andrew and neil meet in a group therapy")

Connection through Pain by sacchan Nathaniel was six years old, and he was in pain. His body ached, but the one actually in pain was his soulmate. Their connection started when he was born, but he noticed its existence only now, and the reminder was very cruel. From now on, Nathaniel would experience the pain and the nightmares of this other person, as they would do the same with his. Till one of them died.

★ Doe & Josten: Deductionists by SpangleBangle (WIP) Andrew Doe, rude but brilliant consulting detective, thought he had no need of a partner as he worked slowly away at dismantling the largest crime family in the country, helping out with other cases on the side to relieve the tedium. That was, until a scruffy runaway with a stupid amount of secrets stumbled into his life. Or, more accurately, broke into his kitchen.

★ Eyes Half Closed by constellationqueen (WIP) The A/B/O au that LITERALLY no one asked for. Sorry not sorry.Neil was promised to Riko when they were little, but Neil has no intention of being taken by that asshole. IDEK LEAVE ME ALONE

Like a River by Moonix (WIP)  Andrew was a statistical anomaly. He was both a Seer and a Squib, an unfortunate combination of genetic traits that still somehow got him into Hogwarts. He had both hands full babysitting Kevin Day, resident Quidditch prodigy, after the drama with Riko Moriyama in fifth year, and making sure his brother finished his last year of education after the death of their mother. What he did not need was another stray to take in – Neil Hatford, formerly Nathaniel Wesninski, prominent guest in Andrew's prophetic dreams with his blue, blue eyes and death omens flocking to him wherever he went. What he needed even less was to start pretending they were in a relationship, but then, Andrew never had been very interested in doing what was good for him.

My Way Home... by ionlyloveyouironically (WIP)  Two years after they run, Mary Hatford decides it's not working.At age 11, Andrew Doe moves into a massive house with his new foster mother, Stella Josten. They make a picture-perfect family: mother, son, and strange boy who lives inside the walls.

No Ordinary Cats by Nekojita  Andrew gets a little more than he bargained for when he rescues a tattered cat from some drunken idiots at work one night.

Nolite te Bastardes Carborundorum by redFreckles (WIP)  It's probably Stockholm syndrome. It was only a matter of time, Nathaniel supposes. Years of violence of all sorts finally catching up to him, these four walls finally collapsing around him, Neil's firm resolve to not be broken slipping out from underneath Nathaniel's uncertainty and folding in on it's own shattered surface.Nathaniel hates Neil, sometimes, for what he means, what he represents. A hope long lost in the hands of his father as he sold him to the devil.Or in which Neil is sold, but not to the Moriyama's.

ode to sleep by jaylocked  Andrew’s barely even noticing his surroundings by the time he walks through the automatic doors, more ready for a Slurpee than he’s ever been in his whole life, but the sight of an attractive man effectively disarming and disabling a guy with a gun gets his attention pretty quickly.(written for the prompt: "Ok, so what if neil & andrew meet in a 7-11 where they both go when they can't sleep at night bc both of them are insomniacs + they're always half asleep so it takes them a while to notice each other.")

Pressure Points by puddlejumper99 (WIP)  Neil enrolls at Columbia High School and remarkably fails at remaining invisibleI've had to fuck with the timeline a bit to make it work in my mind? But most of the canon backstory is intact. Just shuffled about a littleHope you like it! I've never wrote much fanfic before these dumb exy boys completely consumed my life but i cant get them out of my head so here we are.

Right Here in the Light by OrdinaryVegan  A few members of the domestic Andreil household find themselves awake in the middle of the night. In other words, Andrew Minyard is the best father in the universe, and no one will convince me otherwise.

She was Found by OrdinaryVegan AKA Piper: The Prequel

★ Something Sweet by horrorinabakset (WIP)  Neil's mother dies when he is fifteen. As a result, Neil ends up in Columbia, at a diner called Sweetie's. There he encounters a rather strange family, a boy raising his twin cousins.

staff recommendation by flybbfly Andrew works at a bookstore. Neil stumbles in during a bad storm.

Taking in Strays by Leahelisabeth (fortheloveofcamelot) Neil picks up a stray. He and Andrew get a little attached.

The Definition of Overkill by WriteThroughTheNight Neil and Andrew are neighbors and spiders that big should be illegal.

★ to know a man by moonix  In which the Foxes all work at a coffee shop run by Wymack, Neil is their newest recruit with a dark past, Andrew is obvious, Neil is oblivious, and everyone ships it apart from Aaron, who just wants to study in peace. With guest appearance by a stuffed jellyfish called Josephine.

Watermark by fairietailed (JereJean) He hops into the kitchen on one foot, catching his mother before she carries the bowl of peas she’s holding into the dining room.“Jeremy?” Her eyebrows pull together in concern at the look on his face. “What is it?”“I don’t know,” he says, sticking out his foot. “I think it’s my soul mate?”--In which bruises and scars from your soulmate appear on your skin, and Jeremy's skin is a myriad of colored stains.

★ we’re kings of the killing by OneSweetMelody (WIP) When Nathaniel Wesninski enters the Baltimore FBI field office, he comes out as Neil Josten and owes more than than a few favors FBI if he doesn't want to be slammed with a host of charges. With no choice but to work as an FBI agent to pay off his dues, Neil is assigned to a field office in Columbia, South Carolina. However, it only takes a few weeks for Neil's past start catching up with him and for him to start wondering if he's really all that safe in Columbia

Raven!Neil

dangerous and disquieting by feuchsli (WIP)  In which Mary's first attempt at stealing her son away has failed and she only succeeds five years later. But the damage is done and the lack of running-experience leads to Nathan catching up with them. What we see here is the aftermath of that and the hell that is Nathaniel Wesninski's life—at least up to the point when he meets the Foxes and slowly becomes another person under the name of Neil Josten.

Dare You To by quexnk (goldveines) (WIP) Nathaniel's place is at Riko's side, the hidden and elusive number three to Riko's perfect court. His identity is kept secret due to his father's history, but the three on his cheek tells the truth: some things can't be hidden - such as Nathaniel's inclination to his father's personality. Nathaniel isn't interested in being loyal to Riko, he's interested in playing Exy; and his methods aren't always to Riko or his partner, Jean's, benefit. He'll push both his own limits and those around him to play.

★ This is What Hollows by constellationqueen (WIP) (Rewritten) A month after Kevin runs from the Ravens, Nathaniel Wesninski is sent to the Foxes as a message from Riko.

Fluff

Ache in my Bones, Ache in my Heart by imagined_melody Andrew and Neil both find wintertime difficult to weather (pun intended). They take care of each other.

my heart is glowing fluorescent by dizzyondreams Neil woke briefly, shallow wakefulness, that dreamy, half-sleep where he barely opened his eyes. He could hear soft talking from somewhere behind him, could smell cigarettes and boy sweat and laundry detergent, an oddly familiar smell, and before he could really take anything in he was asleep again.

[thepsychicclam]

The worst part of social anxiety is not knowing if ppl’s reactions are reality or just in your head.

I have been battling with my head for weeks abt whether or not ppl are being cool or not with me. It’s easy to say “it’s all in your head!!!” But I’m terrified I said something to upset ppl or am just overall generally annoying to ppl.

i think the problem is that i went a few yrs with very few IRL friends. i had my sister and my bff, but other than coworkers and students, i didn’t have friends or ppl i went out with. when i moved to boston, it was literally my sister. and now, i’m making some friends. i’ve gone to dinner, to their houses, you know - having friends like a normal person. 

it’s hard. that sounds so STUPID. it’s not like we’re super close or anything. it’s very casual friends. but god, it triggers my social anxiety EVERY TIME WE’RE TOGETHER. my brain just whirls and overanalyzes and is paranoid and - it sucks. i hate spending every evening after interacting dissecting what i said and thinking i’m an idiot or said something wrong. i hate being around them and not knowing WHAT to say and being awkward and not understanding how to easily join a conversation and then trying and accidentally interrupting or speaking over someone. 

like i went to one of their houses friday night, and i was so anxious i was sweating through my clothes. and i swear, my life is like bridget jones bc that is me in any social situation. and there was a semi-cute single guy there that was nice and i tried talking to him, but i became monosyllabic and stumbled over my words and my brain froze and when he looked at me and smiled, i just kinda maybe smiled and turned my eyes to the floor bc i can’t look at a cute dude and smile wtf?????

like, i used to be able to socialize with ppl. wtf happened to me??? it’s like the last decade i have been in this whole with like 2 friends and my parents and very few other “friends”. talking to coworkers and students is easy. it’s short, small talk. and you can just not say anything and no one cares. but trying to talk to friends is so difficult. 

it doesn’t help that we’re VERY different. they’re very small town southern, not into geeky things. they don’t watch the same television shows and movies i do and don’t really read books. their jobs are very different. i like them - don’t get me wrong. but fundamentally, i feel so different. and sometimes i feel like THAT person bc they have barely left their tiny town in south carolina to do anything, and i’ve traveled all over the US and europe and lived in three different states and had like a zillion jobs and have all these interests and i just have stopped saying things bc i feel like THAT guy when i don’t mean to be THAT guy. i’ve just done a lot. it’s like the one thing i have going in my life. i have no friends, no boyfriend, no kids, but i’ve lived and traveled a lot of places and done a lot. 

idk. my depression is popping up. the semester is over, so it’s summer break. it’s a weird transition time. plus, i’m working from home so i’m just going to crossfit and that’s it. i’m not getting dressed in nice clothes or fixing my hair or putting on makeup. so i hate looking in the mirror right now. yes, i know i can do those things to make myself feel pretty even though i’m just sitting on the couch, but i’m just busy and don’t want to spend an horu of my day curling my hair when i could be, idk, reading or writing or watching a movie.

and i’m behind on my dissertation again. if you’ve been following me for awhile, you know i’ve talked about the dickbag dissertation director i have. which reacts very negatively with my anxiety and depression. i’ve got 4.5/5 chapters 1st drafts written. i have comments to revise on them. i want to revise, but i just have to START. but i’ve convinced myself (with zero support from the dissertation direct) that i suck and shouldn’t even be getting this fuckign phd. i know he doesn’t think i’ll finish bc of my life and mental problems, and i KNOW i can finish and prove that asshole wrong. it’s just...probably the hardest thing i’ve ever done. if i would have known it would have been like this, i either wouldn’t have gotten one or chosen a speciality i liked less just to work with someone who believed in me.

and i have the worst case of writer’s block i’ve had in ages. like i just stare at word. it’s been like that since like january. i just want to WRITE. i have so many ideas bouncing around in my head and i’m getting depressed bc i CAN’T write like i’ve broken something inside me.

this is all so stupid. it’s just a bad bad night. i’ve been having mild anxiety attacks for like 3-4 weeks, like low level anxiety and trouble breathing like there’s a band around my waist making it hard to get in oxygen. and tonight i just...idk...i don’t want to sleep bc i want to cry but i’m fucking exhausted. my sister had minor outpatient surgery last week that took a toll on her, and she’s been sick for like 4-5 mths, and i’ve been trying to take care of her, our new dog, the house, and my 2 jobs. and my disseration. and i did this research project in my research-based comp class this semester, which was really cool, bc i’m trying to bulk up the teaching/pedagogy part of my cv (bc i hopefully will be on the job market in the next year or so). and that took a lot of time, but i got accepted to 2 teaching conferences speaking about it, so yayes for that. and i’ve been keeping up with crossfit, but my diet has been kinda wonky, so FOOD GUILT and stress eating. and my parents were here helping me with my sister for like a week, which was great, except being with my parents is like a THING and the most exhausting thing ever. we just argue the whole time and they hate being at our hosue bc we do things differently than they do, and my mom kept making all these comments about how i haven’t taken good enough care of my sister for the past 4-5 mths that she’s been sick, and like they buy all this food and stuff to bring with them bc what we have isn’t good enough, or it’s snide comments like “well, they don’t eat BREAD...why don’t you use butter? i brought my own meat bc we don’t EAT that stuff...we don’t eat *insert bad food followed by eating different bad foods but getting mad when i point out the hypocrisy*” etc etc. and my mom has an eating disorder/body image problems (runs in the family, surprise surprise) which kinda floats over into me and things she says to me, and she constantly makes snide comments about me doing crossift, and like i love my mom, but omg i just want to be like WHY CAN’T THINGS BE GOOD WHEN YOU’RE HERE?? and that upsets me bc it’s like oil and water and i feel guilty. 

it’s just been stressful this year already. we’ve had a lot going on. i just need a break. but idek what i’d do with a break bc i can’t relax. and i can’t write bc of the writer’s block,w hich stresses me out, and when i’m watching tv, i feel like i should be writing or dissertating or working, so i’m just constantly in knots.

anyway. this is just a verbal vomit post to see if i could feel better and dissipate some of these anxiety/depression feelings and get to bed. 

<3