#id like to learn about my own perspective by hearing about others and seeing what i do or dont agree with

[thejesterofmoths]

Could I ask you guys a question?

(I'm gonna ask anyway so I guess the real question is, could you give me some thoughts?)

I'm transgender (and gay), and I obviously hold issues with people who currently are openly transphobic and to out of their way to share that, but I don't really care if somebody *was* transphobic, or said a slur about trans or gay people multiple years ago, or stuff like that. A lot of the content creators and celebrities that I'm fond of have been really nasty with these things, (matpat for example,) but I just don't really.. mind?

I always feel really happy when I find out people aren't transphobic, but not really upset when I find that they are/were.

Maybe my standards for people are too low, or I'm just used to people who suck, but I'm told pretty often that I shouldn't like creators and artists and stuff who said stuff like that in the past.

Should I care more? Either way, are there any good creators who haven't done stuff like that? What standard should be held for making up for it, because people do grow? I'd love to hear your thoughts whether you agree with me or not. Thanks :D

[everafter-life]

Hello! I wouldn't call myself an anti, I'm more or less just morbidly curious about your community but would never personally join it based on my own standing on a lot of what you guys accept, though I don't think a lot of what you guys are doing is really that harmful to others so I don't really? Hate the community? Idk. I just have a question I wished to ask as I'm curious, answer if you want you can tell me to fuck off as well.

Mainly I'm just curious on what made you decide to become a radqueer, and perhaps how you figured out what you're experiencing is a 'transid'. I myself am a part of a system so I do feel more connected with some basic transid's I won't lie, but I really don't grasp trans disabilities or mental illnesses in the slightest, why would you want something like that? Not to be rude just extremely curious. Or trans races or ethnicities.

Have a good day! I am sending this out to multiple people, I enjoy hearing multiple perspectives.

Hello there random Anon! I’m glad you’re at least willing to try and understand the community more than some people, since some people instantly assume every transID/radqueer have the same exact opinions and experiences. (Also; You can be TransID and not Radqueer, despite what some people assume)

Now to answer your questions ~

“I'm just curious on what made you decide to become a radqueer-“

Well, funnily enough, it was people being extreme antis about it and hating anything about it, as well as no one explaining what it even was. I did my own research on it and was confused on what the issue was, to me it was “People with brains that work differently than others who believe people should be able to do what they want with their body.”

Sure there are sub-genres but that’s what the basic was, so i was confused. Sure there are some ideologies I don’t agree with but i have that with a lot of communities, nothing wrong with that, i just tend to stay out of the discourse.

“-perhaps how you figured out what you're experiencing is a 'transid'.”

Well to me, TransID is another label! There are alternative terminology some may use and that’s fine, i see nothing wrong with it, i just use TransID because unlike most the others i’ve seen they aren’t directly one opinion, or one stance, or has a rule if you use it. There may be some, yes, but unlike some terms where the whole thing is built on “This is not transid, this isn’t radqueer, this is anti-transitioning if you even want to transition to this you’re awful” (which i don’t agree with the idea of both transID being a term where one inherently wants to transition, or an ID that belittles someone for having the want to transition), these terms are more a vague “I ID as this” situation.

I figured it out however, around the same time i learned what radqueer was, back when i joined there wasn’t alternate terms, so it was either i don’t put a label on it, or i use these terms. I chose those terms.

“but I really don't grasp trans disabilities or mental illnesses in the slightest, why would you want something like that? Not to be rude just extremely curious. Or trans races or ethnicities.”

For me personally, Transabled is caused by a mix of “My disability isn’t enough because no one believes me”, a possibility of having BIID (unsure if i actually do or not, have thought i have for years way before i even knew what MOGAI was, but no solid conclusion yet), and the thought process of “If i had this disability, i would understand this disability”.

As for Trace, i personally just don’t understand the separating by race as much as people do? There are some biological differences yes, but those are mainly “More melanin = the sun affects them less” and that’s it (to my knowledge, i am not a scientist), everything else comes from us, as humans, making separations.

There are lighter skinned people who have 4C hair naturally, there are darker skinned people who have 1a hair naturally, there are people who grew up with black cultures who aren’t black, there are people who grew up with white culture who aren’t white, ect. ect.

I can’t say for exactly fully Trace since i don’t identify as that much if at all, but that’s why it doesn’t bother me.

I hope you have a good day too! If you see this ask posted (or any anti/neutral who wishes to have a calm debate) i am willing to talk about my half of the beliefs! I don’t care if you change your mind about anything, i just want you to maybe understand it so you can form a proper self-education opinion on it.

[mamadarama]

Omg previous ask back here I am so glad to hear your thoughts and your perspective was really nice!! :D

I do understand that it's meant to be frustrating as part of his character I just didn't know if it was lazy writing or character loyalty HELP cuz I can't tell sometimes

I do also wish his development turns positive because out of everyone in the cast I'd argue he deserves a bad ending the LEAST. Compared to what others have done, Madara is kinda,, tame. Not at all I mean if you compare vigilante justice and resorting to violence to protect your loved ones compared to say,,, martyring 5 students to the point of severe mental damage and indirectly causing mass suicide in your school, Madara's sins (at least, his known ones) are a drop in the bucket even if we estimate indirect casualties.

He's a guy that does bad and damages himself but never once did I at least perceive his actions to be malicious. If anything, I liked him for the fact that he does what he does to be better for others, and that singular thing will always resonate in my heart. I'd pull my hair out and bash my head against the wall if I had to summarize his character because he just ISN'T SIMPLE. I once tried to explain his lore to my sister and I ended up sending her a voice mail that was EIGHT MINUTES LONG and I talk fast.

Ahem anyways yes I do hope they don't bash his character story like whatever the fuck they did with other characters (coughs) (looks at the horror that is matrix) (coughs)

Also I forgot to sign off cuz I was in the middle of my shift but that was me ( @umiedibles ) wow madayumenon talking about Madara fork in the kitchen anyways have a good one I love your whiteboard posts :33 virtual milk and cookie for you 🥛🍪

tbh writing that made me realize id be disappointed if he ends up with anything more than a bittersweet resolution . a true positive everything turns out alright ending wouldnt be as impactful or very "madara". to me at least. after everything hes gone through the best way for his story to end imo would be to have him try and pull off a massive cataclysmic self destructive stunt, have his friends save him from himself (ideally kanata), and after its all over and his armor has been smashed to dust , finally learn to accept that things will never be the same again and thats okay. he still hates himself, he never reconciles with his family , but he stops actively trying to alienate people and starts exercising benefit of the doubt when it comes to other peoples opinions of him ("i dont know what you see in me but thank you regardless" instead of his current "liking me is a mistake on your part and im sorry for you") and that is the biggest piece of character development he could possibly have: accepting life as it is, no matter how unfair it happens to be

as for power scaling the sins of characters..... its unfair to say any of them are worse than any other. ive talked about this before but eichi, although bitter, was well intentioned. it tears him up inside to this day even. tsumugi was naïve. keito got lost in his own fantasies after obtaining a position of power. madara was provoked . and no one in the war got out unscathed. the only real dickbags in enstars are gatekeeper godfather priest etc

also matrix wasnt that bad . rinne is just rinne.

[rueitae]

Season 2, Episode 7: the crackle goes kiwi caper for @csweekly

AKA, one more week until Stockholm. Get pumped.

This opening is so cool. Love how it’s so seamless from the previous episode. We were promised Moscow and that’s what we get. There is a nice tension to the scene too that Player doubles down on. He’s glad to hear the IDs worked, which means they weren’t sure that they would.

Hello Mr Rhys Darby nice to hear your voice again. I would support your promotion to Faculty.

Dr Bellum has SEVEN uncles. And she hates figures of speech. I love??? These moments?? The Faculty are evil but also silly and completely human. It’s these moments that humanize them. Give them depth.

It is. SO cool to see Shadowsan vs Neal here. Maybe it’s because they’re in disguise, and Neal is an older operative, and they’ve got history, or maybe because it we get to see Carmen and Shadowsan really slickly working together on a caper. Up until now they’ve all been mostly improv. We are in the thick of it now.

Love the sibs getting to work on the warehouse and make it like home. Its productive for them! Look at Ivy’s smile! Zack’s sandwich!

OH yes! Okay Shadowsan is able to confirm for Carmen that Bellum wiped Gray’s mind. I love this moment because team red now has the most complete picture of the whole situation now that Shadowsan’s with them. And Player. Is so funny. He says “fair enough” with his eyes closed, finally surrendering the idea that Crackle is a sleeper agent. Listen, this kid does not like Crackle one bit and this scene just emphasizes it.

Also! Cool that Bellum just always has a project and wants to solve things. She’s a true mad scientist.

The enthusiasm with which Zack looks up to Shadowsan absolutely kills me. Shadowsan never speaks about ninjas in a particularly positive light because that’s what he is, and he knows it’s dark. But Zack puts a positive spin on it. He’s in awe of this man. He wants to learn. ~~he wants a dad~~

Zack. Ivy. nO.

Player what.

WHAT IS THAT GESTURE? Who is gonna sign him (and Carmen and Zack and Ivy) for drama club?

“Player has wicked awesome gamer reflexes” how many rounds of Mario Kart have you lost, Zack? Tell me.

Player offering to use Crackle? Interesting. Must be fully convinced he’s clean then.

Also I appreciate that Carmen says “we can’t pull him back into the game”. Nice little nod to the CS PC games. And that was a 90s Carmen theme too.

But also this episode makes me so mad, just get Player a plane ticket and sell the story to his parents. It’s okay. I’m fine.

The way Gray barely looks at her and is all “you’re late”. Magnificent.

Okay but Shadowsan waiting for the cable guy is an important job.

Okay. Take one moment to appreciate how pretty cool and unique this caper is.

Listen. LISTEN. how funny it would be if “Peter” were actually Player’s legal name. He’s using his legal name as an ALIAS. That's next level crazy. That’s gotta be worth it’s own fic or at least a plot point in one. I’m totally cool with continuing to find fun ways to keep referring to him as Player in fics but this is one instance I might be moved to actually use a non canon name, because there are so many ways to take it.

My “Player has a grudge on Crackle” agenda goes berserk in this episode. They literally talk to each other and have NO idea. My mind is buzzing. Player does it for Carmen but how many times is he thinking about the “my best SCHOOL friend” line. (Not much because he’s comfortable and confident in his friendship but these kids are petty let me live)

So, Gray, what you’re SAYING, is that you wouldn’t mind doing the lighting for Boston.

The way Carmen dances to the music while doing her thing this caper is so cool.

Was. Was Neal the one Black Sheep stole the belt from in her flashback? I wonder that sometimes. It’s so interesting to hear the perspective of an older operative who watched her grow up there.

The panic Player has at the change of plans. Nice show of multitasking too he’s literally typing and not looking.

I love this entire near miss. Bellum, Neal, Gray could have all seen each other so easily this entire part of the episode.

And here’s what I love about Carmen. Between finishing the mission and keeping Gray safe, she doesn’t hesitate.

AH that moment he USES the crackle rod and Carmen is HOLDING her breath if he’ll remember but he doesn’t!

ULTIMATUM!!!! I love a good ultimatum. I don’t think this series has had one yet like this? Like this is super big stakes. I love Bellum. She’s kooky mad scientist who wants to solve problems and the next SECOND she’s like “let’s destroy the rice and starve a whole population” and “let’s cut the power to hospitals and air traffic” like. The others want valuable objects but Bellum’s solo capers are just??? Actual life or death???? It’s chilling. And I just love it when a character is told to surrender or else it’s one of my favorite tropes. VILE is still wanting her alive at this point.

I’m actually fully convinced, that, if given more seasons, there would have been a time travel episode courtesy of Bellum as a nod to the 90a series. This episode further lays the groundwork for her wanting to solve scientific mysteries

Love the parallels to Casablanca here.

Haha. Carmen crashes with her glider two episodes in a row. (I am salivating over next week already)

Carmen is SO relieved that Gray wants to be one of the good guys.

“I do provide a service and it is secret” lol

Player found his bank account lolol not the first time he’s found and tampered with a bank account

VILE never laid eyes in Gray! Player double checking what Carmen wants to do about him, making sure she feels safe since he saw her doing her thief stuff. Carmen’s at peace that he doesn’t remember VILE…

Which ACME is about to COMPLETELY ruin.

Next week, Rue goes feral over the amount of angst and whump in one episode for EVERYONE. But particularly Carmen. I could watch it all day.

[ikerev]

hi mithra ! what kind of person is jonah, whats the vn he's from like? i wanted to ask a more specific question but dont know much abt him / ur ship to do so, so id love to hear abt what kinda person he is first to get more info !! (also, how did u meet!!) (@dmclr)

HI!! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKING he's from ikemen revolution: love and magic in wonderland (ENG)/イケメン革命◆ アリスと恋の魔法(JPN)!!! my url is the official shorthand for it hehe. it's an mobile otome game with isekai foundations by cybird and it has two main story arcs - alice in wonderland main romance route, and through the looking glass romance+. not everyone has a looking glass route but jonah does!!

^ him <3

i''ll put all my rambling under a cut because i'm infodumping about him (sprry .__.)

the 'wonderland' in ikerev is split into factions! red, black, and neutral. like cards. everyone is assigned a card as their rank/social status. the red+black cards are the cardsuits hearts and diamonds, and black is clubs and spades. both of the groups are rival factions representing hierarchical inheritance (red) and 'rule of the strongest' (black). the ranks in red you are usually born into, and the ranks in black you earn by defeating the previous holder of that rank. the rankings in terms of importance are the same as a card deck; king -> queen -> jack -> numbers -> ace.

jonah's the queen of hearts! he was born into that rank as the elder of two brothers and works really hard to live up to those shoes. his younger brother is in the black army after excommunicating himself from the clemence family because he believed more in the philosophy of the black army. his name's luka and he's the jack of spades. we love him he's one of my best friends ever.

there is also a cheshire cat (loki genetta) and a joker of the deck (harr silver) as well as a few others (i can ramble about everyone another time hehe)

i'm alice! i believe everyone is alice, since in ikerev 'alice' is a title given to the one who falls from the world of reason into cradle (ikerev's name for wonderland). so really i'm An alice. one of many. i fell from the world of reason into cradle, and jonah was one of the very first faces i met after falling into the central quarter when i arrived. at first sought refuge with the black army, but i became super interested in learning about the red army, because their differing perspectives were fascinating to me! i adore everyone, so i wanted to learn as much as possible since i couldn't go home for a little while. the veil between cradle and reason thins every now and then, but it isn't constant.you can't go back and forth easily, so i was trying to acclimatize myself with their world as much as possible.

through that, i ended up spending some time with the red army, and since jonah is the second highest rank, he spent some time in rotation showing me around, acting as my guard (many people in cradle don't like the knowledge that an alice is present, and see it as a bad omen when an alice falls into cradle). i got to know him through those hehe. eventually i convinced him to show me around the central quarter (the neutral ground between red and black) too, and that's where his favourite patisserie is actually! the first time he went on a little ramble about how particular he is towards his mille-feuille i thought it was so so charming.

he's the type who gets flustered over his own feelings easily, so he was vehemently in denial about caring for me for such a long time. one of my alltime favourite cgs (the one below of us in the rain) is the first time he showed concern for me. he was worried because i was out exploring cradle and it'd started raining, and he'd come looking for me, and shook my shoulders gently and told me not to do such reckless things again, i could've been hurt! or killed! or sick! i could've fallen! hehe....

uhm so these (arrow pointing down) are some of my favourite cgs of us..!!

the last one is him making as assortment of sweets and pastries for valentine's day <3 (he loves baking!! especially desserts!!!)

[deadaccount6665]

i decided to leave this account for a number of reasons

the main one that made me leave was lack of interaction, reblogging is the only other way work can get out there, the most I can do is put tags, just seeing likes and no actual responses makes me believe I'm a shitty writer, most of my old writings are cringy in my opinion, but I did put effort into it, at least trying to improve and avoiding making cringy y/n's, as in mary sues and such things.

another reason is feeling unsafe, I'm only a minor (as of 2023) and to have people expect me to be perfect, block me without telling me what I did wrong makes me feel as if I can't ever grow, I won't learn from someone else's perspective if I don't actually hear it from them. sure, i can look it up somehow but what if I can't find any information about the situation? what will I do then? just be the same, close minded person everyone thinks I am? I guess so

having people be disgusted into some medias I'm into (ex: tusk) makes me feel different in a bad way, it's obv fine if you don't like that sort of media, but to make someone feel bad for liking something that's not vile and disgusting like pedophilia is wrong, I would get it if I liked a serious crime such as that, that is looked down upon for good reasons, but I don't do such things as that. it's (was) my blog, id put warnings on every single work I had, scroll past if you don't like it, seriously. i didn't make any tusk fanfiction due to how I feel as if I'd get bullied off this platform.

people ignoring my rules. this was a serious issue, even though I had my pinned post have several links, such as for rules and boundaries, the amount of disrespect I got is unexplainable, I can't count how many times it's happened, how many times I've had people explain a character to me, one I already know.

an example is a character id write about, dallas winston from the outsiders, the main issue I have is I'm uncomfortable writing unrealistic fluff, I won't state what he's done due to possible triggers of some, but to put it simply: he disrespected women, it was normalized in his timeline, but still, I can't write a reader about a character "bringing out his good side" if that's not canon, even to ponyboy and johnny, he wouldn't be completely soft, he still scolded johnny and ponyboy, I just can't make unrealistic writings.

if any of you find my unnamed account, a new one I may or may not make, please do not "expose" me, I have changed in the past several months (as of 8/18/23), I want to be something new, not old.

i hope all of you who made me leave are happy, thanks for making me feel uncomfortable in my own skin, you've gotten your wish

my final wish is to be left alone, thank you

[heliianth]

out of curiousity; who are your favorite sonic characters? I feel like don't know much about the series relatively speaking and I think I know the answer too but I enjoy reading your thoughts

ok this isnt relevant to my answer but i really love that i come across as respectable and approachable enough to have u curious about my thoughts. says im doing something right i really love it when ppl discuss things with me talking is truly one of my favorite things ever as im sure is obvious (which is kinda ironic cuz im pretty quiet irl </3)

anyway this is a hard question. pretty predictable based on what ends up on this blog tho. id say rouge, sonic, blaze, and shadow and i couldnt narrow it down between them more, though i do suppose sonic's place there is a little complicated...... im not quite sure what to think of him as a character.... u said u liked hearing my thoughts so im gonna chew on something for u a little bit. big paragraph incoming, lol.

i feel like my opinions on him are not ones held by the majority in this fanbase, at least based on who i follow. he is interesting as a thematic center, a steady rock from which the rest of the story builds upon, but not as like... a person...... some of my favorite stories in the series involve other characters learning from him or reacting to principles he is unwavering on, and its reoccuring enough of a pattern that i feel safe in saying its a staple of the series. it is through an outsiders eyes where i feel like sonic is the most interesting, not as a paragon of freedom but as someone who despite his personality flaws already knows who he is and what he stands for and doesnt have much growth to do. in relation, based on how they interact with him, we can understand what other characters think of the world and what they stand for. i do see lots of the "sonic should be static" sentiment especially on yt but i dont quite think it has to do with how to write him correctly so much as his place in the character web. if sonic is off-kilter than everyone else feels so as well, because lots of their arcs are built off of how their perspective on him has changed or forced them to grow. sonic stories based entirely on, say, an origin story or told through his perspective have never captivated me, i find them boring and ive kind of had to accept what i view as fanon characterization (or more charitably, just a variation on a characterization which i dont prefer, since he has been written so differently in canon within the series lifetime. basically anything is "in-character" for sonic based on what years ur talking about...) in order to interact with lots of fandom content, a lot of which is sonic-focused-sonic-pov stuff. i also feel like some of this is why i feel so disconnected from the stories of the games where the player only controls sonic. im not sure what that says about how interesting i find him on his own, and not quite sure whether this qualifies him as a "favorite character" if i think hes most interesting when used as a storytelling device, lmfao

make of that what u will

[divinefeline28]

okay @soleilduveil heres my 5000 word summary on squirrelflight and leafpool's lives. hope its what you wanted

also if anyone wants to write any analysis of their own id love to hear it

(i should note when i say "god", that almost every cat who dies becomes a spirit and is deified upon death when they join heaven. they are typically all respected by the same measure, but every spirit is still an individual. there are also ghosts, but clan cats almost always go to heaven and become gods.)

(it may also be worth mentioning that the original author of warrior cats, who no longer writes for the series but did originally create her as a character, DOES NOT like squirrelflight. this becomes increasingly apparant as the series goes on.)

squirrelflight and leafpool are sisters, and the only children of the great awesome prophesied leader firestar. i think you read into the wild so you know him. anyway the girls are very spoiled because theyre basically princesses but leafpool is mostly quiet and kind growing up and squirrelflight is very loud and rude and rash. leafpool decides early on she wants to be a healer, a very prestigious position, but it comes with harsher rules enforced by society (the most important being "cant have a partner or kittens". theyre basically supposed to be doctor nuns. it sucks but thats not the point of this discussion.)

theres a few other guys you need to know about so lets talk about brambleclaw. brambleclaw and squirrelflight are friends, but they butt heads a lot simply because squirrelflight is rude and rash as aforementioned but also shes usually right. brambleclaw is kind of cringe but bottom line is theyre friends. when brambleclaw gets chosen by a prophecy to find everyone a new home, squirrelflight hears about it and tags along with him (against his wishes). they go on a journey for a little while and become a lot closer as a result.

they also meet crowfeather on this journey, another important guy to this story. he was chosen to be in the prophecy but hes also really young and also a complete jerk. he falls in love with someone else on the journey but then she dies, and he isnt able to save her. he matures a little bit because of this and hes supposed to be "angry prickly guy who secretly cares" trope. all told, he's alright.

while squirrelflight is on the journey, leafpool befriends a fellow healer from another clan named mothwing. mothwing is kind of insecure about being a healer, especially since she wasnt born in the clans (the clans are typically xenophobic), but she and leafpool learn together. mothwing is also kind of scared of her brother hawkfrost. also every time its leafpool's perspective and she thinks about mothwing shes constantly in awe of how beautiful and awesome she is, but warrior cats would never be gay so it doesnt go anywhere in canon. they are possibly the best known and liked warrior cats ship for good reason!

squirrelflight and brambleclaw get back from their journey and the place all the clans live in is being destroyed and they have to lead everyone to the new home they found. brambleclaw finds out that hawkfrost and mothwing are actually his half siblings from his really evil and dead father tigerstar (he has a lot of insecurity about his father being evil and not being a very good father. hes mostly more concerned about the second thing.) he befriends hawkfrost because he wants to have a relationship with siblings he only just learned about. leafpool tells squirrelflight "hey im friends with his sister and i think that guy is kind of bad news, you might want to tell brambleclaw to be careful." squirrelflight witnesses hawkfrost being kind of bad news and tries to tell brambleclaw about it, but brambleclaw gets really mad at her and they stop being friends for a while.

also while this happens leafpool almost dies, but crowfeather saves her, seeing as a redemption for not being able to save the girl he liked on the journey. they kind of very suddenly develop feelings for each other.

squirrelflight starts spending more time with her and brambleclaw's mutual friend ashfur. ashfur very suddenly and possessively falls in love with squirrelflight, to which she is... not really aware of? he tries to get with her after a few weeks, and she kindly tells him shes not interested in him and just wants to be friends. he becomes very very upset and refuses to talk to her anymore.

turns out brambleclaw and hawkfrost have been hanging out in hell with their evil dead dad. hawkfrost really likes being evil. brambleclaw isnt sure about being evil but STILL wants to have a relationship with his evil family. at some point leafpool witnesses them in hell and becomes rather scared of brambleclaw, but later on she gets a message from god that hes Actually A Good Guy, We Promise. around this time, mothwing finds out that hawkfrost faked a sign from god in order for the clan to accept her as a healer, and shes very hurt and upset by this, and loses faith in god as a result (which is a big deal because its kind of the healers Whole Deal to talk to god also.) leafpool is the only person she tells about this, and leafpool is a good friend and keeps her secret, but now she REALLY doesnt trust brambleclaw or hawkfrost.

leafpool has been sneaking out to meet crowfeather and theyre very much in love. (this is double illegal, because healers cant have mates and no one can be mates with a cat from a different clan.) at this point, leafpool isnt doing so great mentally; another cat has been helping her mentor at healing, and she feels unimportant, and squirrelflight has been so wrapped up in her brambleclaw drama that they havent been super close either. she asks god what she should do, and god tells her word for word, to "follow her heart". she, reasonably, interprets this to mean she should follow her happiness with crowfeather, and they run away together to start a new life.

like maybe a week after they leave, a nice badger (crowfeather met her on the prophecy journey) finds them and tells them there are not nice badgers attacking the clans and they are desperately needed. they mutually decide to return and help their clans, but when they get there leafpool's mentor was killed and shes absolutely devastated, feeling as if she couldve saved her if she hadnt left. leafpool and crowfeather decide its best to end their relationship and serve their clans instead.

squirrelflight makes up with brambleclaw, but hes still talking to hawkfrost, so its kind of still a sore spot. ashfur sees this as squirrelflight choosing brambleclaw over him. she accepts leafpool back with open arms, but a lot of people are very upset with her, especially since her firestar (clan leader) forgives her and doesnt punish her. firestar also makes brambleclaw his second in command, somewhat due to leafpool telling him that god said hes a good guy earlier on.

a little while later, hawkfrost tricks firestar into getting caught in a fox trap, his plan being for brambleclaw to kill him and succeed him as leader. ashfur assists him, telling leafpool and squirrelflight that brambleclaw is trying to kill firestar and he went for backup. brambleclaw is kind of conflicted on if he should kill firestar, but he finally decides not to be evil. hawkfrost gets angry and attacks him; brambleclaw kills hawkfrost to save his own life, and is very upset to have to do so. firestar forgives him and thinks he did the Right thing. squirrelflight and brambleclaw officially start dating for real, and leafpool remains the sole healer of the clan.

unfortunately, in the amount of time that leafpool and crowfeather ran away, leafpool became pregnant. this is, unfortunately, triple illegal, as "healers cant have mates" and "healers cant have children" are two entirely separate rules enforced on healers. leafpool is very scared about whats going to happen to her kittens as a result of this, and begs her sister squirrelflight for help. god goes to squirrelflight and tells her shes infertile, so taking leafpools kittens is her only chance at having a family. squirrelflight decides the best thing to do is pretend the kittens are hers instead and raise them with brambleclaw. (if youre wondering about the logistics of this, dont. you have to just go with it.) crucially, squirrelflight does not tell this to brambleclaw, because as clan deputy, knowing about leafpools triple illegal children puts him in a deeply challenging spot between his love for squirrelflight, respect for leafpool, and being a figure of authority.

regardless, squirrelflight and brambleclaw love these children and raise them as their own; their names are jayfeather, hollyleaf, and lionblaze (they have magic powers but thats not actually super relevant). jayfeather is blind, and he desperately wants to be a warrior, but the same god that gave dubious advice to leafpool tells him he cant be a warrior due to his blindness and his only choice is to become a healer. he deeply resents this, but trusts god, so he becomes leafpool's apprentice. leafpool is overjoyed at being able to have such a close relationship with one of her children, even if he doesnt know she's actually his mother.

lionblaze ends up mentored by ashfur, who is still very very bitter about squirrelflight. hes pretty abusive to him growing up but lionblaze has a hard time seeing and accepting that, especially as he doesnt know his history with squirrelflight.

timeskip to when the three children are young adults, and a fire traps them in their home. squirrelflight tries to help them, but she was recently injured and struggles to do so; ashfur pulls up, pretends to help, and then blocks their escape to confront squirrelflight. he tells her he tried to kill firestar for the same reason hes going to kill her children now; so that she would feel the same pain that he did when she rejected him. desperate to keep them safe, she tells ashfur "you cant hurt me that way because they arent my children". unfortunately, the children hear this and are very very upset, hollyleaf especially. ashfur decides that instead, he'll just tell everyone at the big clan gathering coming up, and she'll be punished.

jayfeather is determined to find out who their biological parents are, and eventually learns that their existence is triple illegal. this breaks hollyleaf, who valued being upstanding and following the rules. at some point, hollyleaf also determined that she just didnt have a magic power when her brothers did. she attempts to kill leafpool to make her pay; leafpools tells her "do you think it would be easier for me to die, or to go on living, not only with whatever punishment i receive but knowing my children hate me?" hollyleaf lets her live and goes and kills ashfur instead. despite everything, lionblaze and squirrelflight mourn his death. hollyleaf ends up going to the gathering and telling everyone herself, despite her friends and brother's pleas not to. she runs away and is presumed dead after she is caught in a tunnel collapse.

leafpool is demoted, and brambleclaw very publicly breaks up with squirrelflight for lying to her. neither of them are cast out of the clan, but they are both hated and distrusted by literally everybody but their own parents. (not really relavent, but if youre curious about crowfeather, he had NO clue he was the father of the kittens, though he publicly denounces them, as he was trying very hard to rebuild his reputation after running away with leafpool. he has a new wife and son and they hate leafpool and her children very much. crowfeather is never really negative towards leafpool directly, though he certainly doesnt try to help her either.)

to break up the summary a little bit, leafpool and squirrelflight were ENTIRELY JUSTIFIED in keeping their secret. half clan, or kittens of healers had been punished or driven out before. leafpool cared about her kittens safety more than anything else. squirrelflight loved and cared for her sisters safety more than anything else. in the end, they were the only ones punished for anything in this fiasco; leafpool had to learn how to be a warrior, leaving her entire former life as a respected healer behind. squirrelflight lost her husband and respect of everyone she knew.

fast forward a bunch, and the clans are about to face a war against hell. (yes, literally.) jayfeather and lionblaze as the magic power guys have been training their whole lives for this. it turns out, hollyleaf didnt die in the collapse, and has just been living in the tunnels for like a year, afraid to return to the clan and face everything that happened. also firestar makes leafpool a healer again, despite public backlash, because he doesnt think she needs to be punished anymore.

lionblaze sees hollyleaf helping out some young cats from the clan, and begs her to come back. she eventually does, and shes very overwhelmed but she finds that shes not mad at leafpool or squirrelflight anymore. notably, hollyleaf is prepared to admit that she killed ashfur, but brambleclaw covers for her. theyre slowly rebuilding their relationship when the war finally happens; during which, hawkfrost (from hell) kills hollyleaf. she makes up with squirrel and leaf and apologizes for everything before she dies. brambleclaw kills hawkfrost's spirit again in revenge. firestar also dies, and brambleclaw succeeds him; he forgives squirrelflight, making her his deputy.

fast forward a little, squirrelflight and brambleclaw get back together. god tells squirrelflight they actually lied to her about being infertile so that she would take leafpools kittens. this was important to them because they were the special prophesized magic power guys. despite how ridiculously unfair this is, squirrelflight forgives them, and she and brambleclaw have their own kittens named alderheart and sparkpelt. alderheart becomes a healer with jayfeather and leafpool. jayfeather had the most complicated relationship with leafpool to begin with, and despite being a very difficult person to get along with, he and leafpool become very close.

most of leafpool and squirrelflight's past has been forgiven and is considered history. nothing super exciting happens to them for a whole series while alderheart and sparkpelt grow up.

unfortunately its now time for squirrelflight's hope, a book focused entirely about squirrelflight. the only reason i say this is the second worst warrior cats book is because the first worst warrior cats book features pedophilia. so last series a whole new clan joined the original four and they had to split up territory to fit them in. the other leaders are unhappy with how it was done and want to revise it. at the meeting, brambleclaw and the new clan's leader, leafstar, dont want to change anything, but almost everyone else thinks they should, including squirrelflight. squirrelflight proposes a solution different than brambleclaws, and afterwards he berates her for not backing him up. on the way home, they squirrelflight and brambleclaw reminisce on their life together and squirrelflight says she wants to have more children. brambleclaw kinda just brushes her off.

squirrelflight watches as brambleclaw reports what happened to the rest of the clan and it hits her that as a leader, he will most likely outlive her, and this makes her really sad and she goes to sleep alone instead of with him. the next morning, she's convinced herself that she overracted and feels guilty. she goes to talk to leafpool, who personally agrees with brambleclaw. squirrel asks her to ask god about it, but leafpool can tell theyve been fighting and says they should figure it out together. squirrelflight then tells her sister shes more upset about him not really wanting any more kits, and leafpool comforts her.

squirrelflight decides to go by herself to talk to leafstar (the new leader, not her sister, don't get confused) and show her the territory that she thinks they should have instead, behind brambleclaw's back. leafstar agrees, but they run into some large women who have settled into that very territory. these women, called the sisters, tell them theyre not leaving until their leader, moonlight, has had her kits, and to avoid being kicked out, they keep squirrelflight and leafstar hostage (though they are very kind to them, feed them, shelter them etc). leafstar tries to escape but is forced to stay.

squirrelflight finds she doesnt really mind staying with them, and they share their culture which she finds very intriguing, even partaking in a ceremony with them. these cats also see and commune with ghosts. then, brambleclaw brings a bunch of cats to recue them, and squirrelflight attempts to deescalate. they agree to let the sisters stay if they let leafstar and squirrelflight go, which they agree to.

brambleclaw is furious with squirrel for going behind his back, and demands that any choices she makes have to go through him first, which diminishes her authority as second-in-command. she usually organizes which cats do every duty each day, but brambleclaw now wants her to tell him who she choses before she does, which is a ridiculous request. she snaps that he just wants to feel in charge, and he tells her he doesnt trust her anymore. suddenly, sparkpelt comes to tell them that shes pregnant, and they pretend not to be angry at each other to congratulate her. brambleclaw now wants to talk to her about having more kittens, but squirrelflight is upset and goes to confide in leafpool instead.

some time later, squirrelflight runs into a few of the sisters begging for help, as one of their cats has been gravely injured. squirrelflight brings them back to their home, but brambleclaw forbids leafpool from helping them. the clan argues, with many cats wanting to help the injured cat, and brambleclaw sends jayfeather and alderheart to ask god what to do. he confines them all to a corner and doesnt let anyone speak to them, and stops leafpool from saving this cat's life.

brambleclaw once again gets angry with squirrelflight for undermining his authority and putting him in a difficult position. (its all political bullshit.) jayfeather and alderheart come back with a really vague message and leafpool gets fed up and tries to force her way to healing the injured cat; brambleclaw physically restrains her until squirrelflight demands he let her go, and he essentially punches the wall and walks out.

more political bullshit happens and brambleclaw declares that the sisters have to leave, despite their earlier agreement. squirrelflight helps the injured cat to rejoin the rest of the sisters, and warns them that they wont find friendship with the clans. despite this, they treat her kindly. soon after, sparkpelt's mate falls very ill, and has to ask the other clans for help. she ends up feeling like its her fault, and that god is angry with her for trying to help the sisters. sparkpelt also becomes sick soon after. squirrelflight goes to the sisters to see if they know what may have caused the illness, and they do, as well as how to cure it.

sparkpelt has her kittens while just barely recovering from the sickness, but her mate dies, and so does one of their children. sparkpelt is devestated and deeply depressed, so squirrelflight and brambleclaw take care of her other two kittens and briefly stop arguing.

squirrelflight and leafpool again go to the sisters to tell them the clans arent going to tolerate them being there much longer, but also deliver the news of the deaths of their family. the sisters immediately offer to hold an intimate ceremony for them, to protect their spirits. squirrelflight confindes in leafpool once again that shes deeply insecure in her relationship with brambleclaw, and leafpool is concerned for her.

leafstar and squirrelflight return some time later to warn the sisters that the other clans intend to attack and drive them out. their leader mostly brushes them off and is insistant on holding up their original agreement. squirrelflight and brambleclaw are still arguing, and squirrelflight tells him "even if i dont agree with you, i love you", to which he is surprised. she eventually gives in and agrees to support him in driving out the sisters. that night, leafpool and squirrelflight have the same dream of kits in danger, and are convinced something is wrong and they need to help moonlight.

sure enough, her kitting is going badly and leafpool immediately goes to help her at the same time the clans are preparing to attack. she finally convinces them to move her and her kits before a fight breaks out. squirrelflight goes to try and stall, and every cat calls her disloyal and brings up how she betrayed brambleclaw in the past. the sisters attack, and squirrelflight desperately tries to convince her clanmates one by one that attacking a mother who has just given birth is wrong; finally, brambleclaw relents. crowfeather is also there (he is the deputy of his clan) and commands his own clan to stop as well, not wanting to hurt leafpool who is with moonlight's newborn kits, backed into a cave.

the rest of the cats begin to attempt to collapse the cave on purpose to flush them out, so the sisters attack them. they change their minds when they hear about the newborn kits, but it's too late. squirrelflight and leafpool manage to get the kits out, but are caught in the collapse.

squirrelflight and leafpool wake up in heaven, where theyre told they arent dead yet but may still die. they greet their passed on family and friends happily. they also see ashfur, but he doesnt go to speak to them. regardless of whether they live or die right now, firestar informs them that all the spirits in heaven want to hold a trial to determine if their "crimes" in life are enough to have them sent to hell. squirrelflight voices her displeasure, but leafpool is just scared.

several notable characters from the series confront leafpool first about all the laws she broke. leafpool claims she gave up everything to continue being a healer, proving her loyalty, and several cats call out the hypocrasy of those holding the trial. some cats agree with her, and leafpool goes on that no matter what, that squirrelflight deserves a place in heaven, because any rules she broke were leafpools fault. squirrelflight claims that any lie she told was to protect someone she cares about, that it was all out of love, but breaks down saying she failed her clan by doing so when they continue questioning her.

squirrelflight and leafpool comfort each other, saying they dont regret any of it and that they will face the verdict together. eventually, the cats holding the trial return and tell them they will both be allowed to stay in heaven, should they die now.

i cannot stress enough that every single character present for this trial broke one law or another, many breaking the same exact laws that they were accusing squirrelflight and leafpool for. no trial like this has ever happened before, and this book takes place between series 6 and 7.

squirrel and leaf spend the day in heaven with their dead family, and it becomes clear that leafpool would feel fulfilled if her life ended here. squirrelflight, however, feels theres so much more she needs to do and is desperate to live. somehow, she returns as a ghost, seeing her family as she lays dying. (please get used to this kind of thing, its going to come up a lot in the next section.) she sees sparkpelt, completely despondent, while other cats take care of her kittens and feels even more anxious that she has to live. she goes to see her own body, sees that jayfeather and alderheart havent left their sides, and she tries to comfort them. brambleclaw is there as well, and he tells them he wishes he had listened to her, or cared more, or that he deserves to be leader, and squirrelflight tries to argue that the clan is more important than she is, even though he cant hear her. (im trying really hard to make this summary impartial, but this scene is literally sickening to read.)

still a ghost, squirrelflight tries to check on the sisters, but the new clan is moving in where they used to be. another ghost tells her that the new clan was sheltering them in their old home, so she goes and sees that moonlight is terribly injured, much like she is, before suddenly being dragged back to her body. she sees that leafpool is dead, and then is dragged back to starclan. (i dont know whats happening either.) she says her final goodbyes to leafpool and her family before returning to life for good.

alive now, she visits sparkpelt, who is still depressed, but feels somewhat better when squirrelflight tells her that she saw her partner and child in heaven, and they wish her well. her and brambleclaw have a similar conversation to what was said when squirrelflight was a ghost, with brambleclaw saying "he couldntve gone on without her" and "her challening him always made him stronger, and he forgot that". she later goes to see the sisters when shes healed, and literally every cat from every clan mourns for leafpool.

(as much as i hate this stupid book leafpools death still made me cry because i had to reread the book to summarize it properly. its at this point i guess ill admit i voted for squirrelflight, but thats only because i relate to her more. i love them equally. i have been writing this for three hours.)

(i now unfortunately have to paraphrase an incredibly convoluted series so please dont think too hard about the details i leave out. this was originally longer so please trust me when i say this was the bare minimum it took to explain it)

brambleclaw falls very ill to a strange sickness no one has seen before. around this same time, no one can talk to god for some reason. a young healer from another clan named shadowsight claims god told him that putting brambleclaw out in the snow will heal the illness. he dies, but then he gets better, but everyone kinda thinks he came back Wrong. they dont question it though, because hes being really aggressive about it.

god comes back to shadowsight and tells him that they wont speak to anyone else because there are so many codebreakers in the clan, including squirrelflight(as well as jayfeather and lionblaze even though they didnt. do anything). he tells the other healers, and the leaders make the codebreakers "atone for their sins" so that god will talk to them again, with brambleclaw feeling very strongly about this. he later feels the need to punish sparkpelt for not bringing home enough food by sending her to a very specific place, where she ends up attacked by dogs and nearly dying. he feels no remose about this.

shadowsight is pretty sure hes not actually talking to god when he is approached by a guy named rootspring who can see and talk to ghosts; he has seen brambleclaws ghost, and tells him whatever spirit is puppeting his body is not him. brambleclaw has been treating squirrelflight very possessively and is generally just more concerned with spending time with her than being clan leader. rootspring tries to tell squirrelflight, who doesnt take a ton of convincing to believe him. she pretends to be normal to try and figure out who bodysnatched brambleclaw. the bodysnatcher attempts to make jayfeather and lionblaze "atone" for breaking the code, but squirrelflight tries to atone in their place, being the one responsible for actually breaking the code, but the bodysnatcher insists she doesnt have to because shes special.

when squirrelflight tries to tell the clan the truth, he physically assaults and exiles her. a couple cats try to stand up for her, but fail. she goes to shadowsight's clan for sanctuary, and shadowsight is sure now that he was tricked by the bodysnatcher and never talked to god at all. he goes to tell the other healers, but fake brambleclaw attempts to murder him.

some other things fake brambleclaw does is exile jayfeather and lionblaze and convince the other leaders to exile their "codebreakers", mothwing being among them. they ALL end up following squirrelflight. squirrelflight has finally realized that the bodysnatcher is ashfur, who's spirit is for whatever reason more powerful than all the others that make up the collective "god". ashfur has become really sad and stressed after exiling squirrelflight, and she decides to fake her death to get him to reveal his plan. unfortunately, this only makes him angry and takes it out on the rest of her family.

some cats think he should be murdered, but squirrelflight refuses as that would also mean killing brambleclaw's body, which his spirit then could not return to. some cats try anyway and fail, and this back and forth goes on for a while, until its literally only squirrelflight who doesnt want to kill brambleclaw's body. also squirrelflight had to trick ashfur into revealing his identity and that he tried to kill shadowsight in front of everyone, and now hes being kept prisoner in shadowsights clan, and he has to take care of him. lionblaze tries to kill ashfur at some point, and shadowsight has to stop him, wanting to respect squirrelflights wishes. he eventually lets ashfur escape when the other leaders come to kill him. squirrelflight meets up with him, and he drags her into hell.

in hell, it turns out that ashfur can mind control all the spirits he has trapped here, including brambleclaw. he forces brambleclaw to attack squirrelflight, but shes able to avoid him. shadowsight attacks ashfur to distract him, and squirrelflight and brambleclaw get away. eventually they both find their way back to the living world. also no one could talk to god because ashfur locked the door.

a bunch of cats go to hell to hunt down ashfur and kill his spirit, and squirrelflight immediately volunteers, but is shot down, as everyone points out that shes suffered enough and this shouldnt be her problem to fix anymore. his spirit dies for real and everything goes back to normal.

however, brambleclaw is very shaken after being bodysnatched and mind controlled in hell, and isnt sure he isnt fit to be leader anymore, leading to squirrelflight stepping up more often. this leads to them having more arguments like they did before. sparkpelts son, nightheart, is an incredibly selfish and unkind cat that both squirrelflight and brambleclaw attempt to guide, but he ends up resenting squirrelflight and leaving their clan. squirrelflight stand by sparkpelt the whole time, but its hard on all of them.

eventually nightheart comes back, and somehow this convinces brambleclaw that he should step down from being leader and let squirrelflight take over. shes a little unsure, but eventually agrees to it.

and that's where we are mercifully freed from this ride as the next book hasnt come out yet. anyway squirrelflight and leafpool are some of the most nuanced and best written characters in this series but proper literary or character analysis isnt really my strong suit at all so i hope the summary speaks enough for itself.

[allsadnshit]

it's truly difficult to remember you owe yourself love and understanding when you are going through lots of big and painful things in life! i used to think "as long as i am the only one getting hurt then it's fine" cause i considered myself nothing and everyone else something. i have gone really back and forth with my perspective and coping skills of big break ups, friends or romantic, and i feel like i am just not learning the middle ground between "wow if this person and i are breaking up then they must be so toxic and abusive so who cares fuck them anyways" and "i am not allowed to be angry i need to be peaceful and kind i should try harder to see their perspective or else i am deserving of these bad things" which are two perspectives that have done nothing for my healing or process.

i think maybe the biggest thing im learning about myself is that communication can't be replaced by anything else. you need to hear it straight from people just as much as they need to understand you too! there's definitely a limit on how helpful communication is without the necessary other things like action and reflection etc but i used to think "this isn't even worth saying or hearing" whenever i was faced with something hard and that's just not true.

i had a therapy session recently where i tried to play off an interaction with an old boss as "id rather just not talk with him than say what he did bothered me" and my therapist immediately called me out on the avoidance and lack of follow through on my own boundaries and feelings. i wasn't getting off easy by not being willing to have conflict or confrontation, i was actually forcing myself to swallow my own hurt and pain and in many ways betrayed myself by not speaking up. she had me write an apology letter to myself and i cried without a few sentences.

I am working to change these things. I used to think feeling hurt and admitting that meant you were weaker and lost. I just had a really hard conversation with one of my oldest friends and it ended with us breaking up! i didn't see it coming, and didn't think it was even on the table and it unfolded in front of me almost instantly when i decided to speak up on something that bothered me and it turned out he already felt deeply resentful towards me and called a lot of my behavior into question that i didn't know he had thought poorly of me about for years and years! it's going to be a long road of lots of mixed emotions now. i feel shameful and scared i have lost so many of my old friends in the last two years which have been the biggest growth and happiest i've ever been and it's so confusing to go through even though i am constantly reassured that's part of the ride!

i used to tell myself if everyone had something bad to say about you, then it must be true and you must be bad and deserve it.... and i think that was just an easy way out for me to feel guilt and sorry for myself cause that's easier than fighting it's easier than the work it would take to stand up for myself and believe my own experiences and emotions. i thought i was so mature and gentle for saying "you're right i guess i am just a bad person" and never once was that the solution.

i am going to take my time absorbing this experience! i am going to be confused, angry, sad, and probably a decent bit of mourning too! i will no longer deny myself that process and pretend i am better off without the people i loved! i will not pretend to wish them well and hold no bad feelings. it's time to do the hard thing and be mad be sad and be in this difficult process!

thanks for reading, i really love this blog. I feel it's so important to share be seen and understood by other people but i am also so hesitant to admit what i am scared of because i don't want to make myself vulnerable to being hurt even more but it's also a pathway to healing and letting go and that's worth the risks

[ljf613]

Zuko’s Memory Bias

I’ve talked about Azula’s potential memory bias towards her mother. In that same thread, I mentioned that Zuko also has memory bias towards his parents. What I didn’t think about until I was writing my recent post on his relationship with Azula is how those same biases may have affected the way he perceives her. 

(Warning: This is a very complex topic, and I suggest not reading/engaging if you find it potentially triggering or are unable to deal with it in a nuanced way. I am NOT trying to downplay abuse, nor am I trying to gaslight those who’ve been victimized by it.) 

Azula the Liar 

In “Zuko Alone,” we get a good sense of what Zuko’s life was like as a child. We see him interacting with his mother, sister, and (briefly) his father. And we get some insight into a line from “The Avatar State.” 

[ID: Excerpt from the transcript of the ATLA episode “The Avatar State.” Zuko: “You lied to me! [Cut to Azula, who appears confident.]” Azula: “[Smugly.] Like I've never done that before.”/ End ID] 

There are two scenes in “Zuko Alone” where Zuko accuses Azula of lying to him. Look at these lines, and see if you notice a common denominator. 

[ID: Excerpt from the transcript of the ATLA episode “Zuko Alone.” Young Azula: “[Sing-songy.] Dad's going to kill you! [Seriously.] Really, he is.” Young Zuko: “Ha-ha, Azula. Nice try.” Young Azula: “Fine, don't believe me. But I heard everything. Grandfather said Dad's punishment should fit his crime. [Imitates Azulon.] ‘You must know the pain of losing a first-born son. By sacrificing your own!’“ Young Zuko: “Liar!” Young Azula: “I'm only telling you for your own good. I know! Maybe you could find a nice Earth Kingdom family to adopt you!” Young Zuko: “Stop it! You're lying! Dad would never do that to me!”/ End ID]

[ID: Excerpt from the transcript of the ATLA episode “Zuko Alone.” Young Zuko: “Where's Mom?” Young Azula: “No one knows. Oh, and last night, Grandpa passed away.” Young Zuko: “Not funny, Azula! You're sick. And I want my knife back, now. [Zuko tries to grab it, but misses as Azula quickly moves out of the way, and loudly grunts.]”/ End ID]

Do you see it yet? Twice Zuko thinks Azula is making some kind of joke, and both times (as far as canon shows us, though I’ve seen headcanons that argue differently) Azula is actually telling the truth. 

Azula has no qualms about lying to acheive her goals. We see this multiple times over the course of the series. But if all we had to go by was these two scenes, we might paint a very different picture. 

Because there’s another, more subtle thing that both of these scenes have in common: both times, Zuko chooses to believe that Azula is lying, rather than accept that a parent (read: Ozai, because both of these things are really his fault) has failed him. 

The Beast 

There’s a kind of cognitive bias that often occurs with victims of abuse. Rather than try to explain it, I’ll give an example of a fictional character from a different story who is a very clear example of how and why it happens. 

In book one of Trials of Apollo (The Hidden Oracle), we’re introduced to a girl named Meg McCaffrey. Meg is strong, tough, and great in a fight. She explains that it’s all because of her stepfather, who took her in off the streets and trained her. She seems to genuinely care about him, and talks about him affectionately. 

But there’s another man in Meg’s life: The Beast. The Beast is a constant presence in her nightmares. He killed her first father, and we soon learn that he’s one of the primary antagonists of the story, and planning on destroying the world. 

But eventually, we discover the truth: The Beast and Meg’s stepfather are the same person. 

Meg’s stepfather is an abuser, one who’s used a common tool of abusers everywhere-- detatching from the tool he uses to abuse her and anthromorphizing it. “Don’t make me angry,” he says, “or you’ll wake up The Beast, and then whatever happens is on your head.” 

And because Meg needs to believe that her stepfather cares about her, she projects all her negative feelings about him towards this figmentary “Beast” and blaming him for all the problems in her life. 

Are we noticing the connection to Zuko and his relationship with his father yet? 

My Father Loves Me 

For the first two and a half seasons (especially in season 1), Zuko is convinced that deep down, his father loves him, cares about him, wants him back home. He has to believe that, because if he doesn’t, then what has been the point of everything he’s done until now? 

Which means that tricking him into an Agni Kai and then burning his face must have been justified. It means that capturing the Avatar really will get him back his honor. It means that everything that’s gone wrong in his life is his own fault. 

Or, at least, almost everything. 

You’re Like My Sister 

The first time we ever hear of Azula (other than that shot of her smiling at the Agni Kai in “The Storm”) is when Zuko is talking to (unconcious) Aang after he captures him in “The Siege of the North, Part 2.” 

[ID: Excerpt from the transcript of the ATLA episode “The Siege of the North, Part 2.” Zuko: “I finally have you, but I can't get you home because of this blizzard. [Stands up and looks outside the cave.] There's always something. Not that you would understand. You're like my sister. Everything always came easy to her. She's a firebending prodigy, and everyone adores her. My father says she was born lucky. He says I was lucky to be born. I don't need luck, though. I don't want it. I've always had to struggle and fight and that's made me strong. It's made me who I am.”/ End ID] 

There’s something interesting happening here. This is the first time Zuko’s been able to be totally honest about his feelings around Aang, and what does he do? He starts comparing Aang to, of all people, Azula. He’s projecting. He clearly has all of these negative feelings towards Azula, but he can’t do anything about them. So instead, he’s taking it out on Aang. 

Take every single interaction between Aang and Zuko in season one. Now realize that from Zuko’s perspective, he was dealing with his sister. 

Taking Aang prisoner on his ship? Azula. Constantly trying to capture Aang, only to be outsmarted by him? Azula. Shooting a blast of fire when Aang extends a potential hand of friendship? Azula. 

Because Aang, like Azula, is a perceived obstacle between himself and his father’s love. 

Father Says She Was Born Lucky 

Ozai didn’t just belittle Zuko-- he pitted his children against each other. He made it clear to Zuko that, even from the moment he was born, he would never, ever be as good at his sister. 

And all of this has caused a lot of rage and turmoil inside of Zuko. As self-depricating as he is, he does realize that not everything that’s gone wrong in his life is his fault. But we’ve already established that blaming his father would shatter his worldview. 

So who else does he have to blame? 

Azula. 

Azula, who was born lucky. Azula, who’s just so perfect. Azula, the prodigy. Azula, who everyone adores. Azula, who got everything. Azula, who always lies.  

Azula Always Lies 

Zuko talks a lot about honor. He talks a lot about capturing the Avatar. But when he’s stressed, when he’s feeling pressured, when he’s thinking about all the ways his life has gone wrong, he uses a different mantra. 

[ID: Excerpt from the transcript of the ATLA episode “Zuko Alone.” Young Zuko: “[Chanting in a low voice.] Azula always lies. Azula always lies.” Cut to the older Zuko, lying in green grass, holding his traveler's hat to his chest. Zuko: “Azula always lies.”/ End ID]

Azula always lies. 

”Azula always lies” is comforting. It means “father doesn’t really consider me a miserable failure.” It means “he was never really going to kill me.” 

Instead of getting angry at all the ways his father has failed him, Zuko can just blame it on Azula’s lies. That way he doesn’t ever have to admit the real problem. 

Now, I’m not saying that Azula was a perfect sister, or even a particularly good one. I’m not saying that she never lied, because we know she did. I’m not saying she didn’t hurt him, or trick him, or manipulate him. What I’m saying is that Zuko’s skewed perception has lead him to blame her not only for all the ways she hurt him, but also all the ways Ozai failed him. 

“Okay,” you’re saying. “Say I agree with you. Say we assume that all of his negative feelings that really should have been directed at Ozai were instead directed at Azula. But that doesn’t matter now. Zuko eventually did realize that his father was wrong. They had a whole dramatic confrontation where Zuko told him what a horrible father he was and everything! He’s not projecting anymore, and his current feelings towards his sister should only be indicative of her actions and behaviors. Right?” 

Wrong. 

How Cognitive Bias Works 

Cognitive bias is insidious. It doesn’t just affect one memory, it ripples outwards, affecting all of them. And the vast majority of the time, we don’t even notice it happening. 

Zuko called Ozai out for two things, and two things only. 

[ID: Excerpt from the transcript of the ATLA episode “The Day of Black Sun, Part 2: The Eclipse.” Zuko: “For so long, all I wanted was for you to love me, to accept me. I thought it was my honor I wanted, but really, I was just trying to please you. You, my father, who banished me just for talking out of turn. [Points a broadsword at his father.] My father, who challenged me, a thirteen-year-old boy, to an Agni Kai. [Cuts to shot of Ozai, looking angered.] How could you possibly justify a duel with a child?”/ End ID]

Zuko blames Ozai for his banishment, and for the Agni Kai. That is it. 

To be clear, I am not saying that Zuko thinks Ozai was a perfect father before all of this. Not at all. Zuko is aware that Ozai is “the worst father in the history of fathers.” 

But it isn’t like he’s gone back and inspected every single memory that involved Ozai and pinpointed all of the ways Ozai abuzed, manipulated, and gaslit him. He can’t. That requires both a level of objectivity he hasn’t reached, as well as a frame of reference for what normal looks like. Any victim of abuse-- especially childhood abuse-- will tell you that even though they know they were abused, they will often have or witness random interactions that will leave them thinking, “wait, this is what normally happens in this kind of situation? You mean [x] was also part of the abuse?” 

Not to mention that while Zuko didn’t examine his feelings towards Azula at any point before the finale. He had his epiphany about Ozai, and realized that his father had been wrong, but he’d always thought Azula was wrong. 

So while Zuko is aware that he had a bad father, he hasn’t actually stopped to consider how much of his anger towards his sister is actually about his father. 

(Again, I’m not blaming Zuko. None of this is his fault, any more than he’s at fault for the Air Nomad Genocide or the war. It’s just the reality of his situation.) 

Conclusion 

So what am I saying here? 

I’m saying that Zuko’s perception of his sister-- his anger, his frustration, his understanding of who she is-- is fundamentally biased. I’m saying Zuko isn’t viewing her from her own merits. I’m saying that Zuko doesn’t actually know her. He thinks he does, but he’s wrong. 

I’m adding another thing to the list of reasons why Zuko is not the person to try and help Azula through her trauma. 

I’m giving yet another example of how the fandom’s perception of Azula is also biased-- because the vast majority of our understanding of Azula’s character comes from Zuko. 

And unlike Zuko, we can detach ourselves from the narrative enough to realize that it might be worthwhile to re-examine our view of her.

[many-gay-magpies]

im having Thoughts about a sandman/bbc merlin crossover entirely because of this post and you are all going to hear them .

pretty much just continuing off of my tags on that reblog, i LOVE the concept of merlin just. EXISTING in that world. and how that would all work. after i read that post i was like what would he even BE? would he be a lost endless himself? and then it came to me, because DUH-- the triple goddess. the three-in-one (god help me i still think of shampoo everytime i refer to them as that). im just gonna put my tags here because it's easier than restating everything i already said:

i'm not sure of exactly WHAT merlin's role would be in this world-- maybe he's the embodiment of magic on earth, the "anthropomorphic embodiment of human magic" just as dream is the anthropomorphic embodiment of dreams. all the stuff that was true in bbc merlin could still apply: once earth had its OWN magic, just as the dreaming and all the other endless's realms did, in the form of plentiful human magic users and magical creatures, but king uther's purge wiped nearly all of it away. the three-in-one, who perhaps watched over this world just as they did all the others, had to rectify this unbalance by creating one single being, in which was held all that lost power: merlin. emrys. he is not an endless, not in name or ancestry, but he is a protector of the world in his own right; lord of magic, magical creatures, magic-users. the waking world IS his domain. i don't know how arthur would factor into this, except maybe the "golden age" he and merlin are prophecised to bring about is a world in which magic roams freely in the waking world again? i don't really have that worked out.

ANYWAY. now im having thoughts about, like OP of the og post said, merlin and hob (each going by whatever monicker they've chosen this particular century) teaching history at the same school and taking notice of each other, because both of them know the signs of an immortal undercover and see them in one another-- and perhaps hob even recognizes something OTHER in merlin, that speck of otherworldliness he's only ever seen in his strange friend. something a bit too knowing, too ethereal about the eyes; something eternal and ageless about that smile which, so unlike his strange friend's, is almost ever-present. they confront each other and maybe, in hopes of learning more about the odd stranger he meets once every century, hob asks about him; described him to merlin and inquires about him. in response, merlin smiles and replies something along the lines of "it appears you've caught the eye of one of the Endless. more than one, most likely, if you've managed to stay alive this long."

and now i'm having OTHER bbc merlin/the sandman crossover thoughts, as well-- because in this hypothetical world, merlin watches over all magic users, he is RESPONSIBLE for them. seeing any new person make use of the magic in the world fills him with great joy, because it means that magic is reawakening at last. merlin takes it upon himself to investigate new magic-users, and perhaps in one such investigation, he stumbles upon a disgrace to magic-kind: roderick burgess, who calls himself "the magus" and twists magic to serve him in the darkest, most corrupt ways. merlin is disgusted, and seeks to stop him-- and maybe, in doing so, finds that that "devil locked in his basement" is not quite the myth everyone thinks.

i said in the tags of that post that i'd most likely not be the one to write that fic if it got written, but now im considering going back on my words HDJFBFJFB-- i will admit that im far more familiar with bbc merlin than i am with the sandman, as i've only ever watched the show and never read the comics, so any fic i DID write would probably be from merlin's perspective (or hob's, since the show doesn't tell you too terribly much about him and id feel free to play around with his character a but). my problem when it comes to writing fanfiction is that i'm never too sure of how to write someone "in character" and i get intimidated trying to, so id probably be far too intimidated to write anything from dream's perspective-- but, well, we'll see what happens :P

[phoneybeatlemania]

Hi, did you see Elliot Roberts' retrospective of John Lennon's discography? Any thoughts? I've seen it twice and still don't know what to think about its accuracy though I shared a lot of his opinions (musically).

Hiya @starlablog!

I really like this ask, since Ive been meaning to talk about Elliot Roberts for awhile now! Im actually quite familiar with him, since Ive been watching his Beatle videos since he started creating them! I think Ive seen all his videos so far? 

[Prefatory note: Ive seen all his videos I think, but cant remember most of them That Well, so im mostly going off of what I recall from his John Lennon video here since that ones still fresh in my mind]

Opinion time: I think theres definitely a gap in the YouTube market, in terms of Beatles content. Theres lot of people who discuss their discographies very analytically, but without being emotionally tuned in to other facets of their work (i.e understanding their works autobiographically/psychologically). As someone who cant read sheet music and frankly refuses to learn (my brother calls it “ugliness on a page” lol), this is SO FAR from the type of content I want to see—I love talking about their music, but Im always more interested in discussing how elements of their own emotions and psychologies and autobiographical circumstances etc. relayed into their discography. There are a few youtubers who Ive seen making videos focussing on their autobiographies, talking about the Controversial stuff (i.e Cynthia and Julian; Yoko) that we typically discuss on different forum platforms—but these videos are all about 5 minutes long, which really isn’t enough time to get a nuanced and well-sourced perspective on anything.

Even if were refraining from talking about their personal lives in a lot of depth, I still thinks it’s just way more FUN to discuss how creative they actually were in their music, and how they came to make their songs (i.e John telling George Martin he wants A Day In The Life to sound like the end of the world), instead of: “and then they used a C major!”. Like who cares??????? Not me :/

This is essentially why I Quite Like Elliot Roberts—because he’s the only YouTuber I know of who makes videos vaguely resembling the type of Beatles-content that would cater to me: not overly-analytical, employing elements of their autobiography into understanding them, and emotionally tuned in. Plus, he brings a bit of Fun and Personality to his discussions, that I don’t typically see with the (boring) music-analyists. 

However, I think his discussions of the band can be lacking in some respects: the main thing for me I think is that his understandings of the actual relationships between the band can be fairly surface-level, I guess. I like that he’s a little more emotionally-tuned into the dynamics between them then other youtubers, but I still think he could delve further into this element :/

I know Ive gone off on SUCH a tangent here, but this all essentially leads me to my opinion on his John discography ranking: I, like you, shared a lot of his opinions musically (I would say my favourite JL album is Plastic Ono Band; Whatever Gets You Thru The Night is a stone-cold SLAP etc.)—but again, its just........missing some things Here and There (and everywhere) in terms of analysis. Almost had to throw my laptop across the room when he demoted mother-fucking-I Know (I Know) to being just  a “cute” song. At least pick up on John literally lifting the opening rift to that song from Ive Got A Feeling, Elliot I am *begging* you (I will pay you real cash!!!!!!!!!). 

Personally, Id love to see YouTube videos with content more similar to the types of things we hear talked about on Beatles-podcasts or in books! Hence why in the summer, Im planning to maybe give this a go? I don’t think id make a particularly good YouTuber, but idk man, somebody’s gotta do it, so I guess I will lol. 

Anyway, not sure if Ive articulated this quite the way I wanted to, but please share your thoughts if you have any! :) 

[phoneybeatlemania-bit-the-dust]

It annoys me when people complain about Julian and call him “whiny “. The person that John hurt the most throughout his whole life is his own son! I feel like this gets glossed over because he was more attentive to Sean “At least he was a good father to one of his children”. John failed Julian massively. Having Sean should’ve motivated him to try harder with Julian but I feel like it demotivated him because he realised how much of Julian’s life he missed and that made him feel bad about himself. Even in May’s book she says that John would’ve avoided Julian for the rest of his life to avoid feeling bad about himself & the choices he made with his life. And even when he got his visa he was happy to fly to other countries but not the country containing his son! I mean c’mon that’s very shitty and inexcusable. People can’t relate to John’s callous treatment of Julian so it’s downplayed and undermined by the excuse of “Oh well, John was better with Sean”. I know John appeared more motivated towards the end but doesn’t absolve him of the damage and pain he already caused to his son.

I try to understand John’s neglect of Julian from his perspective - I don’t want to excuse or justify it, but I still want to know what was going through his head to make him treat Julian the way he did - but I just can’t really understand it in the same way I feel like I can empathise with a lot of John’s other flaws. Like I feel like I can understand Johns mistreatment of certain people, or his mood swings, or his anger etc. But when it comes to Julian I struggle to understand him, and I just think its such a shame that Julian never got the closure he deserved with John. But I guess a few things to keep in mind when discussing this are:

1. Alfs abandonment

That Johns father, Alfred, abandoned him at such a young age, this might have affected John in such a way that made connecting with children a real challenge. Of course, he ideally still would’ve made an effort to connect with Julian more - but I guess that this was 1963, and he was someone who at this point had had absolutely no therapy. John’s own father I think was placed in an orphanage around the age of 5, so this neglect and abandonment appeared to be a bit of a cycle within the Lennon family-tree. Alf didn’t develop the neurones to be able to connect with his son the way a father ideally should be able to, and therefore John had trouble forming these connections too.

A real tragic story regarding this disconnect is one that ive heard Paul tell a few times (see this interview at 6:24 to hear him tell it). He essentially compares his ability to just naturally connect with children, to John’s inability to do the same; Paul grew up in a household where children and babies alike were around all the time - and in addition to this, there seemed to have been a lot more affection involved in his early environment compared to Johns. So when Paul was able to pal around at ease with Julian, John asked “How do you do that?” - and its unfortunately just not something you can just learn. I think John did want to be able to relate to Julian, and a part of him wanted to be a real dad - but I guess he just lacked the initiative to do so, as well as not having the needed facilities provided for him to be able to function as “good” parent (< or in other words, that man needed alottttttttt of therapy omg—)

2. Aunt Mimi’s coldness

I think by now its sort of been established that im not Mimi’s no. 1 fan - I don’t hate her, and I think she genuinely loved John, but ive been pretty critical of what I perceive her parenting style to be like. One aspect of this parenting style is that I think she was cold and deprecating towards John, which I presume took a toll on his relationships in such a way that made him susceptible to cynicism and even bitter contempt towards those he loved most.

“She never hit him: her worst punishment was to ignore him…When she did, he’d plead, ‘Don’t ‘nore me, Mimi!’” - I think that this type of parenting style could have effected the way John relates to Julian, perhaps making him feel it was okay to abandon him, maybe as a result of some unrecognised childhood angst or revenge.

Theres also a story where I think John said something to Julian a long the lines of, “I hate your laugh!”. Like, Jules was just some four year old living his life and then John, his own father, had this massive fucking mood swing. I feel bad for Julian cause my parents were like this (had random fucking mood swings and said some pretty contemptuous things) so I can empathise with him. At the same time though, I feel like I can understand John getting these mood swings (although, I don’t think that showing that kind of contempt towards a child is at all acceptable, and assuming that this sort of thing was a regular occurrence, I would say he was emotionally abusive towards Julian. Maybe John got these mood swings from Mimi (check this post for more on that).

3. Yoko’s influence and isolation

I think we first have to take into account here that John had a history of neglecting and failing Julian, and from what im aware of, he only started making contact with him again during his ‘Lost Weekend’ after being encouraged to do so by May Pang. So I don’t think we can make Yoko take all the blame for Johns neglect of Julian (and certainly not his emotional abuse towards Julian). But I think we have to also account for the fact that Julian has stated Yoko would refuse to put him through when he would ring his dad. And I just don’t know how much John had to do with that - as in, I don’t if John knew Yoko was isolating him to the extent that she did, or if he was unaware that she was rejecting several important and significant figures in his life.

For what its worth, Julia Baird wrote in her memoir of John urging (or really, begging) her to go to Cynthias house and ask Julian to phone him, because he hadn’t been able to get through to Julian, and he was trying to construct a better relationship with him around this time (this was before Sean was born, like you said, he seemed to lose motivation with Julian after Sean was born). I don’t know why Julian wasn’t taking his calls around this time - John seemed to think it had something to do with Cynthia, perhaps it was an autonomous decision made by Julian, perhaps it was entirely just a misunderstanding; I don’t know.

When it comes to Yoko, im conflicted - to some extent, I think John was being manipulated by her, and she was clearly isolating (even abusing) him - but also, he’s a grown man, and so he had to take the initiative for his own life. So I don’t know, but id say she is still partly responsible for spoiling Johns relationship with Julian.

~ ~ ~

At the end of the day, all I can really say is that John was just a classic case of parents needing therapy before they start, y’know, parenting - but it was 1963, and thats just not something most people underwent back then, especially people with more complex and unrecognised traumas, as well as mental illnesses that, whilst prevalent, may not have been so apparent. To clarify that point, I think John could function well-enough in his day to day life to be able to get by, because I don’t think his traits of mental illness tended to disrupt his life to such a degree that he could not function (at least not in 1963, though in later years, id argue more so they did; but even still, I don’t think John tended to struggle with mania or psychosis etc.) But I think he was still dealing with mental illness in a way that wrecked almost all meaningful relationships for him, as well as made feeling love and functioning as an emotionally stable and consistent person, a real hardship and challenge for him. And this inability to feel loved and cared for etc. made being a parent, quite simply, impractical. He needed therapy, and its a shame he died before ever receiving real therapy because it would’ve been interesting to see how John might have come to terms with really acknowledging his failures as a parent, and because Julian might have gotten some real closure with his dad.

All in all, I think Phillip Larkin said it best

[cheri-translates]

[CN] S2 Gavin - The Stories Project

🍒 Warning: Detailed spoilers for content not yet released in EN!🍒

Trigger warning: Mentions of suicide

Features S2 Gavin but contains no spoilers regarding the S2 storyline

This is a continuation of The Broadcast Countdown Project. Do read that first!

[ This was released on 25 August 2021 ]

[ Chapter One ]

Gavin and I are standing outside Door 501 of the 7th block in Pavilion Village.

This is also the home of Zhang Nian, the kidnapper who handed me an anonymous letter in the TV station before eventually committing suicide.

A thorough investigation of the case involving the anonymous kidnapper and his suicide has ended. The STF has also removed the cordoning around the scene.

I liaised with the TV station, planning to showcase the incident from start to end in a special episode of the show which will be aired in the last episode of “Inquiries”.

Gavin: This used to be a crime scene. If you’re afraid, wait for me here. If you need any materials, I can head inside and find them for you.

MC: It’s okay, I don’t avoid such things... Also, I have a feeling that there’s definitely something behind this case worth seeing in person.

The husband and wife who were kidnapped had related the details to me, and mentioned that even though Zhang Nian had kidnapped them, they weren’t treated harshly at all.

It’s just that Zhang Nian was deaf and couldn't speak. He could only communicate with them with hems and haws, which ended up frightening them.

In hindsight, they realised that Zhang Nian never harboured malicious intentions towards them.

MC: What was Zhang Nian’s goal and what did he want to tell us? The answers to these riddles... they might be hidden here.

Gavin pushes the door open, and we step into Zhang Nian’s house.

Gavin: This place was sealed off since the incident, which is why the arrangement of furniture we’re looking at is the same as when he was still alive.

In contrast to the dim and cold space I had imagined, the living room is well lit.

The cream coloured wood flooring, a white cloth sofa, a simple wall painting of the ocean... all of these elements set off one another in the indolent afternoon sunlight, displaying a warm atmosphere. 

MC: This place gives me such a strange feeling... the person who lived here must have really loved life...

Gavin: His fiancée decorated this place.

Gavin taps on a magnet on the refrigerator. Tiny colourful slips of paper are stuck underneath zebra, bunny, and elephant magnets. 

“Special discount for wax gourds on Tuesday, special discount for pork ribs on Thursday.” - It’s as though the weekly booklet of discounts from the supermarket had been copied down.

“Invitation cards, wedding dress, decide on the hotel.” - The ring which had rolled onto the zebra crossing in the news immediately flashes across my mind.

Aside from that, they have simple recipes on them.

MC: What a pity. If that incident didn’t happen, they would have had a perfect life here.

Gavin: All the furnishings and decor came to a halt when the incident happened to Xu Wen. He did everything he could to retain traces of her existence. As for his own life...

Gavin opens the refrigerator, showing me that it’s more or less empty aside from condiments which had been used a few times. 

White cold mist hover in the empty space, out of sync with the warm tones in the living room.

Gavin: This too.

He opens a wall cabinet to reveal a few boxes of ordinary flavoured cup noodles. The incandescent light in the cabinet is chilly, shining on plastic film surrounding the cup noodles.

Imagining the taste of cup noodles submerged in MSG, I once again turn towards the recipes stuck on the refrigerator.

Gavin shuts the cabinet, then points at the bedroom.

Gavin: MC, I want to show you something.

-

[ Chapter Two ]

Gavin: During the investigation, we found these.

Gavin guides me to the bookcase, then pulls open a drawer at the bottom.

MC: A disability ID, marriage certificate, graduation certificate, guarantee card for a hearing aid and a bank book...

Gavin: We checked his background. He grew up in an orphanage. 

Gavin: Back then, the orphanage didn’t have adequate facilities, and didn’t have teachers or special medical setups for guiding people with hearing issues. He was always reclusive in the orphanage, and didn't have friends. 

Gavin: When he was ten years old, people from the orphanage and community sent him to school.

While saying this, Gavin retrieves a pile of books from the drawer and shows them to me - they are all sketchbooks, and the pages have long since turned yellow. It’s evident that they were here for a very long time.

MC: He can draw?

Gavin: In these books, there are some sketches of streets and still life. Some are comics modelled after existing works. Although I don’t know much about art, I think he could draw pretty well.

While flipping through the pages, I find myself affected by the exquisite details conveyed in these drawings.

Perhaps because he didn’t go through systematic training, he wasn’t limited to one style in the way he expressed his art.

A distinct and unique style leaving a deep impression seems to break through the sheets of paper, revealing the emotions the artist had hidden in his heart.

MC: ...he must have been a really talented artist. 

Gavin points at the wall - there’s a sketch hanging on it. It takes up almost half of the wall, and it’s mounted in a white frame.

MC: The person in the drawing is Xu Wen.

MC: ...it’s drawn really well.

Gavin releases a “mm”, and is unable to hold back a sigh.

Gavin: Extraordinarily well.

It doesn’t matter if it resembles the actual person. It doesn’t matter if it was meticulous or not. 

The person in the drawing has her eyes curved upwards with a smile on her face, and she looks like any other young girl you can find in a crowd.

But the limitless gentleness and happiness contained in her eyes - that’s a unique feature belonging only to one person.

Gavin: They seemed to be schoolmates. I read through Xu Wen’s background - she graduated from the same school for deaf students. But there weren't any questionable points in this case, which is why we didn’t probe further. If you want to know the specifics, we'd have to investigate again.

My heart hovers in the air, wanting to figure out everything about this matter.

But from the STF’s perspective, this case is already closed...

Gavin gives me an affirmative gaze.

Gavin: I know what you're going to say. I want to continue listening to this story too. He wasn’t able to speak, but he left behind a voice that he hoped for others to hear.

After a pause, he turns his head, once again glancing at the drawing hanging on the wall.

Gavin: I can feel such emotions.

Gavin says this softly, and the light in his eyes grow deeper.

Floating dust in the surroundings gather on Xu Wen's portrait. We stand in this warm and tranquil space, as though we can sense their story surging forth without a sound.

-

[ Chapter Three ]

After this, Gavin and I gather information about Zhang Nian and Xu Wen from various sources.

A few days alter, we arrange to meet at a cafe to exchange materials collected from our individual investigations.

MC: I found the teacher from the school for deaf students. He said that when Zhang Nian first arrived at the school, he didn’t even know how to use sign language. He was gloomy and blue. 

MC: Only Xu Wen knew how to converse with him, and would teach him sign language after school. 

MC: After learning of his interest in drawing, she used her pocket money to buy him colouring pencils and drawing paper in secret without her parents’ knowledge. 

MC: They had a pretty happy time in school. Zhang Nian even organised a small exhibition in school, and many teachers and students supported it. 

MC: But after graduation, his days became a little more difficult.

He didn’t have a place to stay, and he couldn’t find work. While Xu Wen could rely on her parents for financial assistance, he could only rely on himself. 

MC: During this time, Xu Wen seemed to have been using her parents’ money to buy him stationery for drawing, and even accompanied him to set up a stall for his paintings...

MC: But they couldn’t earn money at all.

Gavin opens a few files in front of me.

Gavin: Afterwards, he found a job in a finance company. He went around conducting financial transactions for people, and earned commissions based on the number of successful transactions.

Gavin: Not long after, this company was reported for illegal fund-raising. Both he and his boss were jailed for three years.

I recall seeing his ID from before - a crew cut and a white shirt along with a black suit which looked tidy and fitting.

Turns out he wasn’t working at a bank...

Gavin: Even during his time in jail, Xu Wen never gave up on him. She’d visit him every weekend and converse with him via sign language from across the glass.

Gavin: Of course, Zhang Nian behaved very well in jail, and gave his own drawings to many prison guards. After he was out of jail, he found a stable job.

Separated by the scorching 3pm afternoon sunlight, the gaze Gavin gives me is deep with a tranquil light.

Gavin: Do you know why he planned this kidnapping and handed you the video clip anonymously?

I shake my head. This has been my biggest question.

Gavin takes out a few photographs from the file.

Gavin: Before the case was closed, these documents couldn’t be disclosed to the public, which is why I didn’t tell you at the time.

I scrutinise one of the photographs - an A3-sized sheet of paper is stuck on a door, with a few lines written on it.

From the format of the digits, they appear to be bank account numbers.

Gavin: He was behind this door.

MC: Then these bank account numbers...

Gavin: We checked them.

He points at the first line of digits, then speaks calmly.

Gavin: The first account is for an animal treatment centre. It treats stray cats and dogs which meet with accidents. 

Gavin: This one is for a 10 year old girl with hearing issues. She lives with a granny who sells fruits, and is currently saving money for surgery.

Gavin: The both of them had a habit of sending money to these accounts.

Gavin: Even though Zhang Nian continued sending money to them after Xu Wen passed away, he could only maintain his own livelihood with his income.

MC: What you’re saying is, if the video camera could capture this... and document them properly so that more people would know about them...

Perhaps he could help these people. Even if it was for the last time.

MC: ...but that was such a complex method. There was no need to do a good deed in such a roundabout manner, and even kidnap people to reach that goal.

Gavin silently picks up one of the photos from the table - it’s a note that Zhang Nian wrote before he committed suicide. A short message is written on it - It’s Wen Wen’s birthday today.

Gavin: Aside from that, he more or less did think of seeking revenge.

Gavin’s finger remains on the photograph.

Gavin: In Zhang Nian’s life, Xu Wen was the only one who gave him warmth. She was his lover. 

Gavin: After losing such a person, it isn’t difficult to guess what kind of an attitude he had when facing this world, and facing the people who caused such an ending.

Gavin: When people are in pain, their hatred will involuntarily become amplified.

Gavin: From this perspective, at least he didn't take things even further.

Gavin’s voice is dull, as though he’s mulling over something, or affected by their misfortune.

I can’t help but reach across the table, gently bumping the tip of his finger with mine. 

Silence permeates the air. He curls his finger slightly, hooking it around mine.

-

[ Chapter Four ]

The files, photographs, and a few scattered pages of a notebook are spread on the table randomly, as though illustrating their entire story in front of me.

The car accident was a tragedy, but it wasn’t the only tragedy. I find myself hesitating to speak. When I open my mouth, I sigh.

MC: Xu Wen was such a good person. She tugged onto him from beginning to end, and never gave up on him for a single moment. She actually managed to pull him out of the abyss.

Even though she couldn’t hear nor speak, she used her gentle gaze to heal the person she loved.

Gavin tidies the items on the table one by one, storing them properly.

His composed voice is mixed with ruefulness. He seems to be slightly moved, but has more or less come to terms with his emotions.

Gavin: From the perspective of an observer, there were many dismal and extreme traits in Zhang Nian’s personality. This is a point that can’t be denied.

Gavin: However, he was abandoned from the moment he was born. The path he walked on all these years, and the world that he saw - those are things we’d find difficult to relate with.

Gavin: Perhaps from the time he knew about the world, he realised that living was already something requiring courage.

Probably seeing such stories again and again when handling various cases, Gavin’s attitude is objective and calm.

Gavin: No matter what attitude he had when he made this decision, he shouldn’t have done so.

In contrast to the practised manner in which Gavin handles his emotions, I remain immersed in the regretful ending experienced by the two.

MC: Aside from her, he had nothing else.

The furniture, the recipes underneath the magnets, and the drawing hung on the wall... these images flash past me one by one.

MC: If I were the one who experienced this, and the only important person in my life was gone, I’d lose my connection with this world. Perhaps death would be a form of liberation.

Before I can finish speaking, Gavin raises his voice, cutting off my impending sigh.

Gavin: It wouldn’t.

He looks at me resolutely and decisively.

Gavin: No matter when, death will never be a form of liberation. Pain can always be treated. 

Gavin: Whether it’s because someone important is no longer around, or if you were to lose contact with someone, it’s inevitable to carry some pain.

Gavin: Perhaps time is needed, and perhaps meeting a certain someone is needed, to gradually put an end to such pain, and to use various methods to put an end to such pain.

Gavin: But things will always get better.

Gavin seals the brown paper bag which is filled with materials related to Zhang Nian and Xu Wen, then places it at the corner of the table which has been warmed by the sun.

I watch as his palm presses against the paper bag, a moment of hesitation surging past his slightly lowered gaze. Almost at the same time, he looks up at me -

There’s only certainty in his eyes.

Gavin: No matter when, never give up on yourself. Xu Wen was constantly pulling him out of the abyss. He shouldn’t have given up like that.

-

[ Chapter Five ]

By the time Gavin and I walk out of the cafe, much of the sun’s heat has dispersed. Wind blows over from the river, and it’s refreshing and soothing.

Countless little flowers with names I’m unaware of bloom among the grass along the street, swaying in the evening breeze of midsummer.

MC: The weather is really nice today.

After sitting down for an entire afternoon, I can’t help but stretch, relaxing my shoulders and back.

Before I can take a few steps, I suddenly remember the moment I met Zhang Nian face-to-face, causing me to halt in my footsteps. He had walked towards me in a timid manner, a sincere and apologetic expression on his face.

He had handed me a letter, its edges creased from being pinched. Then, he turned away hurriedly before running away.

Too much time has passed. Even his Evol has lost its effectiveness.

Gavin senses that something is off about me, and draws a few steps closer. I wave my hand at him, signalling that I’m fine.

Having second thoughts, I can’t help but sigh with emotion.

MC: If only Zhang Nian was willing to contact me earlier and tell me about what exactly happened...

MC: If only I could tell him how nice today’s weather is. I wonder if he’d have made such a decision.

Gavin responds decisively from beside me.

Gavin: He wouldn’t. 

Gavin: If someone told him that the weather would be nice today, he’d have definitely held on for a while longer.

Gavin: But he couldn’t always wait for someone to pull him along and bring him out of the abyss. He had to muster his courage and walk out by himself.

I nod quietly, gripping the notebook in my hand. 

MC: Gavin, aside from the original plan for this episode, I think I’d need to add some new content...

Gavin halts in his footsteps, immediately reading the thoughts in my heart.

Gavin: Are you thinking about how there are many people in the world like Zhang Nian?

MC: Mm.

There are definitely some people who are shouldering pain alone, and are hesitating at the crossroads of life and death.

MC: Although this tragedy can no longer be salvaged, we could prevent even more tragedies from occurring.

I turn towards the direction of the river, looking afar at the boundless sky.

MC: I want to tell them about the beautiful scenery all around the world, and the beauty of the four seasons.

MC: Tell them about the colours of sunset, the sounds of the ocean...

MC: And tell them that as long as they’re willing to wait for a while longer, there are still people on earth who will love them.

MC: I want their eyes to be able to see the world that I see. I want them to believe that this world is always worth it.

Realising how overly idealistic and visionary my words are, I give Gavin a smile.

MC: ...I might have sounded too exaggerated.

Gavin: Nope. It will be a very meaningful show.

He suddenly reaches out, combing my hair which has been blown messy by the wind. His fingers linger on the ends of my hair for a long time.

The corners of his lips curl upwards slightly, and he brings me into his arms.

Gavin: Thank you.

Gavin: This world is always worth it.

His voice is far too soft. For a moment, I wonder if I misheard.

MC: What did you say? I couldn’t hear you clearly.

Gavin chuckles, then raises his volume.

Gavin: Since the weather’s pretty good, want to go for a drive?

MC: Did you drive here today?

Gavin: Mm. It’s rare to have such nice weather, so I took the car out for a drive.

MC: Wow~ That is rare. It’s been such a long time since I sat in Captain Gavin’s car.

Gavin takes my hand, striding with large steps as he leads me forward.

Gavin: Let’s go. The car’s in front.

- End -

Filming for the special episode of “Inquries” came to an end. When the final episode aired, the show became a trending topic. After watching it, many members of the audience provided assistance and support for organisations targeted at disabled individuals. Although Zhang Nian and Xu Wen have already left this world, they’ve enabled people who experience difficulties in life to obtain warmth. Such warmth continues to last. I guess being able to allow more people to believe that the world is worth loving, and to do what little they can to help those in need is what it means to be a person in the media industry.

More S2 content: here

[randomgamefan]

HI ID VERY MUCH LIKE TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR KAYCEE AU,, (also ik we haven't properly talked in a while so hey what's up !!)

HI YES I DO HAVE CONTENT FOR YOU

(also hi!! It has been a while, I'm doing okay!! Wbu? ^^ love your art and content as always!!!! :D your Kaycee design has inspired me a BUNCH it's so cute,, the way you draw her is 10/10 if anyone reading this hasn't seen said design PLEASE go follow Kal and look at it (I reblogged the specific art recently if you can't find it >:) ))

As a quick note, I haven't finished KM and this AU was made before a lot of that so no KM spoilers, at least not intentional ones lol.

(tossing in a readmore as this rant got long)

OKAY SO

This AU is called Inscryption devs because surprise surprise, it follows the development of Inscryption.

In my funky headcanons, there's been two main development teams for Inscryption. The first one had a bigger team who worked on some other GameFuna games, where everyone slowly either quit or met their fate in a... Sadder way. Generally I've always thought of the characters of Inscryption as being poor unfortunate souls rather than simply sentient AU, but both are fun! It's not like they would remember their past anyways. (If you wanna look for sentient AI in my headcanon, ya gotta look to the Hex. Big call-out post for everyone who got me into the Hex, SO worth it.)

But, then Inscryption gets shelved for a couple years. The office is full of rumors and no one is interested in really touching it, GameFuna is just glad to have the code. (tbh I don't fully know what it does, the ARG confuses me LMAO)

Then comes along Kaycee! She's been working there for a while, avid card game fan, and she's well liked for her dedication to the company and work on other games. After finding out about the Inscryption project, she grows incredibly intrigued by it, and convinces the company to give her a second chance with the game. However, she must work with a smaller team, to prove herself for now.

So, gets into the part where I get to be cringe - my original characters. The Inscryption developer team consists of..

Kaycee Hobbes, the project lead, dedicated and hardworking. She's an overworker with the tendancies to stay late and try to get a lot done on her own all at once. Despite her dependence on herself she's an understanding manager who won't let people walk all over her.

Spencer Kragen, the coder, put on this project as punishment. Spencer is the son of one of the higher ups at the company. Not only does he not want to be here, he's activley making it as insufferable as possible. Through the dedication of Kaycee and slowly learning others perspectives, the stuck up rich kid slowly becomes more accepting of those around him, and learns even a bit about himself.

Diana, the main story builder, is a loving mother of two twin girls. She is overall a very kind and loving figure, becoming a mother figure type to the rest of the group. She has to have a lot of her focus away from work, but she works very hard when she is there. However, when something catches her eye, it's unlikely she'll leave without finding all the details...

Last but not least, Akira! They are the main artist, and a nervous wreck. They tend to overwork a lot, desk full of concept doodles for what they could do with the story. When not working it's likely you'll find them bickering with Spencer. Overall, though, Akira is just a kind and dedicated gamer who is trying their best.

So that's the crew! They spend a good period of time developing the game, obviously, but when it comes down to it..

Everyone in this story is dead by the point of the main events of Inscryption.

It's just fun seeing how they got there! And if you think I write a single story without found family, you are so wrong. /Pos

This also leans into a lot of my headcanons if I am prompted to rant more, so get ready to see things such as the woodcarver as the scrybe of beasts, or just how P-03 acts. Plus uh, all of my Hex headcanons shoved in there, somehow.

And of course, this goofy team of devs lead by the amazing Kaycee.

Okay I'll stop rambling in this longass post I'm sorry for this taking so long hope it's interesting byeee

[detectivereyes]

I Watched the Leaves Go From Green to Grey

Summary: When TK gets anxious, he gets into fights.

Notes: for the self-harm square on my @badthingshappenbingo card, or my interpretation of it bc i didn’t want to write a traditional “self harm” fic yk

beta’d by @marjansmarwani and also s/o to loml @seaoflittlefires for providing her objective perspective and fixing all my past/present tense issues 💗

word count: 2.3k

read on ao3

If you asked TK, the first time it happened was definitely an accident. 

He wasn’t planning on getting into a fight, and he wasn’t even that high. Instead he found himself riding out the tail end of a high in some dingy bar in the East Village, trying to numb the pain with whatever alcohol the bartender would give him with a quick flash of his fake ID. At only 16, he knew he didn’t look 21, but the bartender didn’t ask or didn’t care.

It started with a simple misplacement of his elbow, brushing up too close against the glass of whiskey belonging to the burly man sitting next to him. He didn’t even realize what had happened until he heard the glass shatter on the floor between them.

He started to stutter out some form of an apology but not before he felt a flash of pain hit his face, radiating through his lower jaw until his body collided with the ground. Though he was caught off guard, the pain he’s feeling didn’t feel wrong. In fact it made him feel alive.

He hopped back up, managing to throw in a few punches of his own until more of the burly man's friends showed up and he couldn't decipher which direction the blows were coming from. But with each punch or kick, he felt more empowered. Each freshly formed bruise serving as a reminder that he wasn’t actually numb. 

He was here, and he was alive.

Fortunately, he had managed to sneak out before the cops showed up. Unfortunately, the bruises did not go unnoticed by his mom or dad. Though they didn’t press too hard, he knew he would have to be more careful next time.

He never forgot the outlet getting into fights provided. A way to not only relieve the numbness, but relieve stress and have the pain on the outside match what he felt on the inside.

He didn’t get into fights that often, only when the pain built up too much and he needed to let it out somehow. Or sometimes he used it as a way to just quiet the anxious thoughts when substances no longer did the trick.

Even after he got clean, he would occasionally find himself back in some random bar that he hadn’t managed to get himself kicked out of yet. Every bar had at least one drunk asshole who he knew would be easy to pick a fight with.

He quickly learned the right words to trigger the perfect reaction. He also got better ducking and throwing his own punches, and hiding the bruises that did form on his skin until his parents no longer noticed or worried about him.

When he arrived in Austin, he figured it would only be a matter of time before he found himself in a dingy bar on the outskirts of town, opposite of the bar the team frequented to avoid any chance of running into a familiar face.

The numb feeling and colorless vision was too much and Judd’s words only served to exacerbate the pain he was feeling inside. He attempted to fight Judd, knowing his larger frame could do a lot of damage and would do the trick. But he should have known the other man wouldn’t fight back, instead holding him close so he couldn’t do any damage until Paul broke them up.

As soon as the shift ended, TK all but ran into the Uber. The tension in his body wound up too tight and he knew it wouldn’t settle until he got in a fight. 

The fight itself was a blur, but what happened next wasn’t. As he walked out of the police station with his bag of belongings and busted lip still pulsing in pain, Carlos’ words rang in his ear.

You should talk to someone about why you felt compelled to do something so suicidal.

Was it suicidal? He always saw it as a way to remind himself that he was alive, not trying to die. But he'd also never met someone who cared so much about his well being. 

The police officers he usually ran into during his fights never seemed to give a shit about why he did what he did. And if the guys he hooked up with noticed the busted lips or black eyes, they never said anything.

Carlos checked both of those boxes, yet seemed genuinely concerned with what TK was getting himself into.

That was when he knew things would be different here.

And they were for a time. For a while the color returned into his life and the pain that he had grown so accustomed to settled into a dull ache that he barely noticed.

But like everything else, the good could never last. And soon enough the pain grew more noticeable and he felt like he was going to jump out of his skin. He needed to know he wasn't numb. He needed to feel pain. He needed to fight.

So he found himself in another dingy bar, much similar to the one he went to when he got to Austin over a year ago. He knew he shouldn’t be there. He had to call someone. But Carlos was on shift and his dad was on a date and while both would have probably picked up in a heartbeat, he couldn't do that to them. And anyone else he could have called wouldn’t understood or known what to do. 

He knew what he had to do.

On muscle memory he ran through his routine, spouting out the perfect words to trigger the reaction he craved. 

After only a few blows to the face, the punches stopped and the fight broke up as the cops arrived. He scanned the area, letting out a sigh of relief when he didn't see Carlos’ familiar brown eyes, and managed to slip out the back before anyone noticed.

The Uber ride from the bar back to his and Carlos’ home passed by in a blur. If his driver noticed the purple bruises likely beginning to blossom on his face, she didn't say anything.

He made a beeline to the bathroom as soon as he walked through the door, hoping that the damage wasn't bad enough that he couldn't cover it up. There was no way Carlos wouldn't notice, but if cleaned it up a bit and came up with a good story, it might not be as bad.

Flipping on the light switch TK frowned at his reflection. While there were a few scattered bruises all over his body, the worst by far was the one forming around his eye, already turning a lovely shade of deep purple. Above his eye was a short but deep gash, stretching across his eyebrow.

Well, that definitely wouldn't go unnoticed.

TK sighed, rifling through the medicine cabinet until he found the box of butterfly bandaids. He knew it probably would need stitches, but if he could avoid a trip to the ER tonight, that would be ideal, and these bandages would do the trick for now. He carefully placed two on his eyebrow, hissing at the contact as the wound closed. He then shut off the light and settled on the living room sofa, waiting for Carlos to come home. 

By the time he heard the jiggling of keys in the door, a few hours had passed and he had nearly fallen asleep under the soft blanket on the couch. He panicked for a second, not quite ready for Carlos’ reaction when he saw TK’s face.

On impulse, he ducked under the blanket before the door swung open. He could see the light switch on and Carlos’ outlined shape from beneath the cover.

“Babe? What’s going on?” he asked. TK could sense he had stopped in front of the couch but was refraining from coming any closer.

“Don’t freak out,” was all TK could manage to say, and he could only imagine the confusion painting his boyfriend’s face.

“I’m freaking out that you won’t tell me what’s going on,” he stated matter of factly.

TK sighed before slowly pulling down the blanket and peeking his head out, giving Carlos a sheepish grin. 

Carlos’ eyes widened in concern as he sat down next to TK, gently running his fingers over TK’s swollen eye. “What happened, baby?”

“Combative patient,” the lie rolled too easily off his tongue. “Woke up while we were treating him and took a swing at me.”

“I see,” Carlos nodded slowly. “And these other bruises?” he added, trailing his hand over the blossoming bruises on TK’s neck and arms. When he reached his torso, he didn't miss the way TK winced at the contact. TK hadn't even realized how sore he was.

“Must have fallen a little bit in the scuffle,” he shrugged.

Carlos hummed along to TK’s response. TK tried to get a read on what Carlos was making of his story. It was a pretty good one if he gave himself any credit, but he couldn't shake the feeling that Carlos just wasn't buying it. 

“You know how people get when they’re caught off guard,” he quickly added, panicking when he realized he should be adding more details before Carlos could doubt him anymore. 

Carlos though remained silent, studying him carefully. 

“We’re here to help them but they don’t always realize that right away,” he laughed nervously, hoping Carlos wasn't catching on to his anxious rambling.

“TK,” Carlos trailed off, his eyebrows pinching together in worry. He knew something was off, and there was no getting out of it.

Before he could dig himself into a deeper hole, he decided to dam break. He launched into the whole story about how he felt so on edge after his shift and he didn’t know what else to do, which is why he fell back into old habits. Carlos listened intently as he explained what happened when he showed up at the bar and instigated the fight, and ducking out he could get caught.

“I’m so sorry, Carlos. Please don’t be mad,” he said at the end of his rant, still shaking with adrenaline while he waited to see how Carlos would handle hearing the truth. 

Carlos sighed, gently rubbing TK’s shoulder. “I’m not mad at you, TK.”

“You’re not?” TK said, sniffling. 

“No, but I am concerned at why you didn’t think you could call me. And then why you felt like you had to lie about it.”

TK shrugged. “I’m just kind of used to bottling it up, I guess.”

“But you should know you can talk to me about this kind of stuff.”

“I do! But sometimes it just gets to be so much that I don’t know what else to do and I need a way to let it all out.”

“What gets to be so much?” Carlos cocked his head to the side. 

“Everything,” TK quickly responded, as if that clarified anything he was saying. He knew he wasn't making much sense and Carlos was trying his best to understand. But TK didn't know how else to describe the way he was feeling. Like a row of tightly wound string, one pluck away from snapping. 

“TK, what happened that made you want to get into a fight tonight?” Carlos asked. 

“I,” TK started to answer but stopped himself when he realized he didn't even have a good answer. He'd never stopped to consider the reasons for why he felt this way. All he knew was that he felt like he was about to explode and he needed a good way to release it. “I don’t know.”

Carlos nodded, and TK could only admire the patience his boyfriend had with him. The tears started to well up in his eyes and he took some shaky breaths as Carlos pulled him close into a hug, letting him sob into his broad chest. 

“It’s okay if you don’t know,” he whispered softly into TK’s ear. “But I think it is important to examine why you do feel this way. And to realize when it starts to get bad so it doesn’t happen again.”

TK pulled away from Carlos’ embrace, nodding and wiping back the tears while doing so. “It just feels like there’s always this pain, and sometimes I don’t notice it but other times it’s so much that I need to do something about it. And I can’t do the other stuff I used to do to deal with it, but getting into these fights… I don’t know, it helps. Which probably doesn’t make any sense but it’s better than some of my other coping mechanisms.”

Carlos gave him a sympathetic look. “TK, it might not be drugs, but you are just as likely to get hurt.”

TK looked down, nervous squeezing his hands, unsure of how to respond to Carlos’ observations.

“It’s not healthy,” he continued. “I need you to promise me you will call next time. It doesn’t matter what time, or if I’m on shift, or I’m asleep. Talk to me about it. And talk to me about what you’re feeling all the time so we can try to prevent it getting this bad. Okay?”

TK nodded in agreement. 

“Hey,” Carlos tilted TK’s head up so they matched each other's gaze. “I’m here for you. Whatever you need.”

“I know,” he gave Carlos a small smile. “I appreciate it, and your patience with me.”

“You don’t have to thank me for that. We’re a team, and I want to help you in whatever way possible. I love you, TK”

TK melted under Carlos’ soft brown eyes and genuine smile. “I love you too, Carlos.”