#id like to eat a bit healthier while still eating what id like to eat and id like to be able to relax on days where i dont wanna work out -

[fabulouslygaybean]

trying to find, like, genuine workout advice that isn't awful is so fucking annoying. like.. so much of it is either entirely centered around toxic masculinity standards (usually made strictly for hypermasculine cis men), bulking until you're absolutely gigantic, or losing extreme amounts of weight (while pushing incredibly unhealthy and unsustainable diets). i just wanna feel better physically bro 😭

[prone-to-fleeting-obsessions]

Dating Veritas Ratio hc's

Out of all the hsr men, I'd imagine he'd be the most irritated figuring out he has a crush

A crush? A stupid little manifestation of his irrational emotions???

He'll stew over it a while, picking it apart like the most complex of equations, his stoic expression not wavering

So what if he's around you often? So what if he unconsciously seeks you out, it doesn't mean anything...

He'll hammer that narrative over and over until it becomes truth, or as close to truth as his mind will allow

You'll act like a married couple, though

He'll scold you without any real irritation, eyes narrowing as he pulls you closer to just fix the problem himself

A leaf in your hair? Your sleeve unrolled? Coffee stain on your shirt?

Honestly, how could you be such a careless mess...

Wait, no. No don't go, you're his careless mess—

It'll become a new normal to just have him occasionally once over your appearance, looking for things he can fix and doing so without a word

He also takes it upon himself to make you a healthier and more rounded person

No you're not eating garbage calories for the third meal in a row, yes you are drinking a full glass of water as he reads you excerpts from his book on how quantum chemistry applies to theoretical engineering under Nous's 63rd law of imaginary quantum information science, and there will be a quiz after so pay attention

If asked about why he's often seen by your side, he'll usually answer with a glare and an insult, commenting on the lack of even borderline decent conversationalists around

You're probably not really going to get an actual confession out of him, because that would force him to admit defeat to those annoyingly persistent feelings that just won't leave him be

If you take the initiative of backing him into a corner, you get to watch him flounder a bit, an expression of agitation and a growing warmth throughout his whole body as he skirts the topic with overly complex excuses

He's a big fan of doing different things in the same space, talking isn't necessary

Occasionally, when he remembers you're still there, he'll glance up from his book to see how you're faring, before getting back into it

He has a bit of a staring problem, in a way

It's just that he's so up in his head often, usually easily loosing sight of his surroundings, and you just happen to be the most pleasing thing to keep his eyes on

He'll look away when he notices you staring back, but it's not long before you feel his eyes trained on you again, as if studying every little movement as he works out equations in his head

Of course he does need alone time, usually spent reading in the bath

But that period seems to be getting shorter and shorter as his focus is constantly broken by unconditionally looking around to find you while deep in thought

He will absolutely use you as a blank canvas to throw ideas and thoughts on if he can't work through something in his head

By explaining it to you in mind numbing detail, he'll usually run headfirst into the solution, and it's a treat to watch his eyes widen ever so slightly as he pauses, immediately thanking you curtly before moving straight to writing

Your sense of curiosity is his favorite trait, the one he wants to nurture and encourage you to feed

He's not expecting you to be as smart as him, that would be an impossible expectation, but he will not allow you to give in to ignorance, to get in the habit of complacency, as it is the enemy of growth

He's an intimidating figure to most, both from his status and sharp tongue, so it's not uncommon for low-level scientists with something to prove to seek you out

Sometimes to get information on him, sometimes to test your intelligence, as if trying to prove themselves better than the company the great Dr. Ratio chooses to keep

He's quick to nip that in the bud, though

His crossed arm stoic faced glare would scare away anyone who isn't keen on being picked apart verbally

He'll claim it's all to avoid tainting you with their idiocracy, and that you really shouldn't keep such company

Tries to use selfish logical excuses constantly to get things he wants from you

"I've already chosen your hotel room for this trip, it'll be next to mine so I don't have to travel as far to compare notes in the morning."

"Honestly. You're coming with me to dinner so I won't waste my time working around your schedule later."

"No. You are absolutely not going to get a closer look at those monsters because I'm not cleaning up the mess you'll no doubt get yourself into by being so reckless."

"You're really going to waste your valuable time entertaining those IPC buffoons? They have more credits than brain cells. Stay here, lest their ignorance rub off on you."

He means well, under the insults and unapproachable demeanor

And, at a certain point, he really can't imagine the rest of his life without you close by

[gorgeys]

heyyy i've been thinking about this specific scenario w our queen for a while now and id love to see you writing about it if possible bc ur amazinggg

so basically ive been thinking about maeve and reader being in the beginning of their relationship but maeve is still very closed off and hates any sign of vulnerability so when reader notices that and tries to help maeve process her emotions in a healthier way than w drugs or just bottling up like she always does she gets really defensive and fight w reader about it but then maeve realize that it was a shitty thing to do n apologize to reader because she really wants this to work its just that old habits die hard

basically angst w happy ending bc im a sucker for hurt/comfort

never let me go ★ queen maeve

Queen Maeve x fem!reader

Maeve has her walls up, but you help her break them down

Warnings: angst, hurt/comfort

Word Count: 2960

Note: thank you sm for the great request! i'm not the best at writing this hurt/comfort stuff but i really tried!! i hope you enjoy!

you stuffed shredded chicken into a searing pan of sauce.  if someone had walked in, they would have assumed you were cooking for a family of six. but no, the pan was piled high just for your girlfriend who had a never-ending appetite and claimed she'd rather eat your food than the meals at any restaurant.  that boosted your ego quite a bit considering maeve had literally dined at the most expensive and renowned restaurants in America.

some nights she'd come up behind you while you whipped up one of your classic dishes and wrap her arms around your waist.  she'd leave little kisses behind your ear and tell you how much she missed you, leaving a stupid smile on your face.  then she'd rest her head on your shoulder and ask you to tell her everything about your day because her day was "boring as usual."  you didn't consider being a crime-fighting superhero boring by any means, but you got the hint that she didn't want to talk about it.

but then other nights you wondered if the meal was all she came for.  it was nights like tonight, where she sat silently at the kitchen table with a beer in one hand and an empty bottle beside her, that left you worrying. whenever you glanced back at her, she always seemed to be blankly staring off into space, as if complicated thoughts were clouding her mind.  you had tried giving her space but you couldn't get rid of the feeling that something was wrong.

she only makes her presence known when she gets up from her chair, opens the fridge, and reaches for another beer.  upon noticing, you release a tired sigh that catches her attention.

"maeve, do you really need another?" you ask without turning around.  "i mean, you're gonna finish the whole case."

she closes the fridge behind her.

"i can just go out and buy some more," she says with a simple shrug.

"no, maeve, that's not what i mean," you say.  you half turn to meet her eyes and just look at her for a moment, wondering if she'll catch on.  from the little twitch of her eyes, you think she does, but she still doesn't say anything.  she just stands there and stares back at you, her hand wrapped around the neck of the bottle.  you sigh once more.  "is something going on?"

"what? no," she quickly says with the slight furrow of her eyebrows as if it's a stupid question. she doesn't sound one bit convincing.

"right," you say, fully turning around and dropping the wooden spoon into the pan. you lean your back against the edge of the counter.  "so you just sit in silence, drinking like a fish for no reason at all?"

she scoffs and laughs as if you're being absurd.

"since when do you care how much i drink?" she asks with her usual satirical smile.  you know that smile well.  it's the one she always displays when the conversation is teetering on something uncomfortable.

"since you started drinking like a middle-aged man going through a divorce."

"oh, come on, y/n" she says, waving you off.  "it's just cause i can't really get drunk like a normal person.  i need a few more."

"a few more?" you ask with raised eyebrows.  "maeve, you drink enough to kill a couple racehorses.  i mean, the only people i've seen drink that much are people trying to forget things."

her smile falters and you take it as a sign that you're headed in the right direction.

"if anything's going on, i want you to know that you can talk to me about it," you say sincerely, taking a step toward her.  "i'm always here for you, no matter what."

you catch her rolling her eyes before she turns away from you.

"god, stop with all the sappy shit," she says sharply.  she slams the beer on the tabletop rather hard.  "i'm fine, okay?" she says, borderline shouting.

"then talk to me, please," you say, placing a hand over your chest.  you know you sound a little pathetic as you plead but you hope it gets through to her.  "because it's so hard to guess what you're feeling when you just sit there not saying anything.  i can only imagine the worst."

she audibly groans before she sits back in her chair.  her eyes lock dead onto yours and she ignores the desperation written all over your face.

"i have shitty enough days already, the last thing i wanna do is come here and talk about my fucking feelings like i'm in kindergarten.  i deal with enough children at vought already," she says, crossing her arms and staring daggers into you.

you press your lips together out of frustration.  she's a grown woman but she's acting like an immature teenager.

"well you can't just keep everything to yourself," you say, matching her posture and crossing your own arms.  "i know it's a lot to carry between the seven and vought and having to save everyone in this whole shitty city, so don't feel like you have to carry it alone."

she laughs at you and it only feels like a punch to your gut.

"god, i didn't know i was talking to my fucking therapist," she says, overenunciating her words and practically spitting at you in the process.  "do you come up with these lines yourself or do you steal them off inspirational pinterest boards?" she asks with a derisive smile.

"maeve," you sigh, growing tired of this game that you're playing.  she's usually awful at these touchy conversations but she's especially defensive tonight.  you take another step toward her. "all i'm asking is that you have a real conversation with me.  i mean, i feel like i'm talking to a stranger half the time because i don't know a single thing about you.  you wanna talk about the bachelor for an hour but can't tell me a thing about your day or what's actually bothering you.  it's like pulling teeth with you."

you take a final cautious step toward her and place one palm on the table to support your weight. you're standing just inches away from her.

"stop shutting me out.  it's hurting both of us," you say, more softly this time.

"you mean it's hurting you," she says, punctuating her words by slamming her fist on the table, causing you to flinch and jump away from her.  you look down and notice she's cracked the wooden surface.

you've never been seriously scared of her strength before, but you are in this moment.

"i'm doing just fine, actually. you just want me to have a break down so you can feel better about yourself and your small, meaningless problems," she says, rising from her chair.

you scoff out of disbelief.

"do you even hear yourself right now?" you ask, throwing your hands up in the air.  "i'm your girlfriend, not some villain you have to fight.  i'm not praying on your downfall.  all i wanna do is help you."

she laughs and shakes her head while you huff.  it boils your blood when she treats you like this, like some ignorant outsider, not someone who cares so deeply about her.

"oh, okay y/n, so let's just hold hands and sing kumbaya and maybe all my problems will disappear," she says, the typical sarcasm dripping from her tone.  it's quickly replaced by venom.  "you can't do anything to help me.  you're stupid for ever thinking you could," she yells, before falling back into her chair and opening the beer bottle with the flick of her thumb.

once again, you just stare at her, wondering if she'll recognize the insanity behind her words and the visible hurt they've inflicted on you.  but no, she just takes a long swig from the bottle, letting you know that nothing you've said has pierced her tough exterior.

finally, you've reached your limit with her.  you know this is going nowhere.

"well fuck me, maeve, for trying to help," you say, spinning around and turning the stove off.  she puts her beer down, a little surprised by the abrupt change in your usually understanding nature.  "you can make your own dinner and go back to your bougie penthouse and drink yourself to death up there, okay?  i'm not fucking doing this tonight."

she only watches as you, with glossy eyes, stomp toward your bedroom and slam the door behind you.  she doesn't make an effort to stop you, but instead sits there almost dumbfounded by the way she's tipped you over the edge.  she had never seen you like this before.

she stays at your now cracked kitchen table for quite a while, downing her third beer and contemplating if she should go in and talk to you or leave like you asked.

even if she did push aside the embarrassment and work up the courage to knock on your bedroom door, what would she even say to you?  that she has blood on her hands from all the people homelander's killed and she can't take it anymore?  that when she closes her eyes, all she can see are those screaming, terrified, innocent people?  that that's why she's broken inside?  no, those are her burdens to carry, not yours, she thinks.  she can't scare you away now, not this soon.

"fuck," she curses as she stands up from the table, eyes locked on your bedroom door.

she wants to be in that bed with you, her head tucked in the crook of your neck as you sleep soundly.  she wants to fall asleep to your perfect, soothing smell and the soft sound of your breathing like she usually does.

but no.  no matter how much her heart hurts, she can't bring herself to your door.  she can't let you see through her like that.  instead, she throws the bottles into your trash can and walks out of your apartment.

xxx

for the next few days, all maeve can think about is you.  she thinks about you opening your apartment door for her, close to midnight, after a long night of crime-fighting.  you're in your cute plaid pajama pants and maybe your oversized queen maeve shirt that she stole for you from vought tower.

she thinks about watching netflix on the couch with you, cuddled under your favorite soft blue blanket.  she thinks about the moment you slump against her shoulder as you begin to doze off.

she even misses your texts.  she misses your "have the best day, baby!!" texts.  she misses all the heart-eye emojis you send her.  she misses the cute impromptu pictures you take, especially the ones you take of yourself kissing random queen maeve billboards or posters around the city.  she misses your "i love you <3" texts.

and it's during a boring seven meeting where she keeps checking her phone, hoping for a text from you, that she realizes that she can't lose you.  she desperately needs you and every day that she doesn't see you feels like a pointless one.  she can't carry on with vought or the seven or saving people if she doesn't have you to come home to.

so maybe, to make this thing between the two of you work, she needs to change.  maybe she needs to open up, because losing you is not an option.

that's the sentiment she repeats in her head as she knocks on your apartment door, waiting impatiently to see you for the first time since your fight.

she hears the pitter pattering of your bare feet from behind the door before you swing it open.  and there you are, in all your glory of messy hair and sweatpants.  you don't say anything, so maeve sends you a weak smile.

"hi," she says awkwardly, looking almost embarrassed to be in her current situation.

"hi," you reply, more coldly than she's used to.  though she understands after everything she said last time.

she stares at you for another beat, soaking in every part of your presence.  relief floods her body just seeing you.

"i, um, i bought you a new table," she says, raising the cardboard ikea box she had tucked under one arm.  "i'm sorry about what i did to your other one."

you open the door wider so she can come in and set the box down in your kitchen.  when she walks back to you, you still have one hand on the door edge, holding the door open.

"is that all you came to do or..."

she can't read your blank expression.  do you want her to leave or stay?  it doesn't matter.  she has to be brave right now.

"no," she says, standing awkwardly in your living room, her fingers playing with the hem of her sweater.  she nervously looks down at the floor for a moment.  she reminds you of a shy school girl that's trying to work up the courage to ask out her crush.  "can we talk?"

you close and lock the door and notice that maeve's already invited herself to sit on your couch.  so you sit beside her, your body turned toward her and your elbow resting on the top of the couch.  you watch as she sits there stiffly, as if she's never been there before, with her hands tightly folded in her lap.

her gaze nervously flickers from your face to her hands every few seconds.  you can see the gears in her brain spinning in overdrive as she tries to find the right words.  although the air is slightly tense and awkward, you would sit there for hours if it meant maeve would finally share herself with you.

"y/n," she finally says, abruptly raising her head to look you in the eye.  your heart jumps a little. "being a hero isn't all it's cracked up to be.  i've...seen terrible things," she says before taking a deep breath.  "i've done terrible things."

you realize that this is the moment.  this is the moment where she's finally going to let you into her life.  her whole life.  so, you shelve your anger and gently rest a hand over one of her wrists.  you give her skin a soft, encouraging squeeze that tells her to continue.

"and...the guilt is the worst part.  i-" she pauses to take another shaky breath and then press her lips together.  you can see that tears are beginning to prick the corners of her eyes.  "i don't know what to do," she admits, her voice cracking.  your heart cracks along with it.

"and i guess..." she continues.  "i didn't want you to have to worry about that.  i didn't want to scare you," she says, looking back down at her hands.

"maeve," you coo, resting your other hand on her shoulder.  a pout naturally finds it's way to your lips.  seeing her this emotional almost makes you want to cry with her.

"and i'm so sorry.  because...not telling you made everything even worse.  and i just don't want to lose you," she says, a tear rolling down her cheek.  her hand immediately rises to wipe it away.  "i don't want to lose you because of something stupid like this."

"maeve," you say, your hand leaving her shoulder to push a strand of hair out of her face.  "it's okay., it's not stupid.  i get it, you're not used to doing...this. i know it's hard for you."  you gently hold her cheek in her hand, forcing her to make eye contact with you.  "but you could never scare me away.  i promise.  i'm with you because i want to know all of you.  all the bad stuff too."

"but, y/n, it's really bad," she says, pressing her lips together to prevent herself from breaking down.

you're leaning into her and holding her face with both hands now, your foreheads almost touching.

"maeve, you're a good person," you say.  you sound so sincere that maeve can't help the silent tears that start to flow rapidly.  that was everything she needed to hear and more.  "i know that.  you know that.  whatever is going on, it's not something that we can't overcome together.  if you let me in, i'm going to help you as much as i can, okay?  i'm always here for you," you say.

she nods in your hands and feels her body flooded by an overwhelming sense of comfort.

"i need you, y/n.  i need this to work. and i wanna be better.  for you," she says, finally bumping your forehead with hers.

"i know.  and i know it's scary to tell me all this stuff but i promise, it's going to get easier.  if you trust me, there's nothing we can't do," you say, a little smile finding it's way to your face.  you know it sounds cheesy and it's something maeve would have made fun of you for under typical circumstances, but in the moment, it feels right.  "and you know i love you, right?"

she instinctively wraps her arms around your shoulders, engulfing you in the tightest hug you've ever received from her.  she familiarly tucks her head into the crook of your neck, inhaling that smell she missed so much.

"i love you so much," she whispers into your skin and you melt in her arms.  you hold her just as tightly, your fingers rubbing up and down her back.  "i missed you."

"i missed you more," you say.

"i'm never letting you go again," she says, squeezing you to her chest even tighter, and you laugh softly.  she's telling the honest truth.

though fear still lingered in the back of her mind, this feeling sure as hell beat any alcohol.

[thenixkat]

[id: A page from the Justice League of America comic with four panels featuring Ted Kord, Blue Beetle 2, in his room in the middle of getting dressed in his superhero costume.

Panel 1- Ted Kord, partly dressed in his superhero uniform missing only his cowl and gloves stops and stares at his reflection in shock. His top is grinding up the curve of his gut. Ted: I knew this costume was getting tight--but this is ridiculous! Must've shrunk in the wash or something... yeah, shrunk in the wash. Right. Time t'face facts, Ted-- you've been avoiding this for months and it's finally caught up with you-- --you're a fatty.

Panel 2- Close up of Ted's face as he holds a hand up to his face in horror and disgust. His reflection in the mirror in the background looks at him judgmentally. Ted: All the dysfunctional eating habits of your childhood have come back to haunt you! That fat little boy who's been hiding inside me is back-- and ready to binge! You can't let him get you, Ted. Remember all the jokes in grade school? "Lardo" Kord they called me. Remember in gym, when they said you weren't physically fit... you were physically fat?

Panel 3- Close-up of Ted's hands as he goes through his dresser to look for a top that fits. Ted: Well, I'm not going through that again! Wasn't till I got out of college that I pulled myself together, lost weight. Took some pride in myself. Darn good thing I still got this old college sweatshirt around to cover up the bulge.

Panel 4- Ted pulls on the sweatshirt, his face sad. Ted: Sweatshirt? Heck, it's more like a tent! I can't believe I used to dress like this all the time... oversized clothes to cover up my embarrassing body. I was the only kid on my block who shopped in maternity stores! Yeah, that's it-- joke your way through it like you did then. Maybe if you can make 'em laugh, they won't reject you--

/end id]

ok! I finally found the fucking issue I've been looking 4. Issue 52 of Justice League America.

Did I go through an entire comic run to find this specific issue for horny curiosity? Yes. Could I have just looked up actual porn and had a much easier time? Also yes. But that's not how my brain works. Did it satisfy my curiosity? Yes. Did it satisfy my horny? No, the dude needs therapy, the artists need to learn how to be consistent and also match what the writers are writing. Good fucking lords that was frustrating.

RIP to Ted Kord maybe someday he'll get a writer who'll let him be ok with having some chub. B/c ooo weee the internalized fatphobia, the body dysmorphia, the depression that dude needs to be treated for. Cause like, outside of the binge eating he was doing while depressed and unemployed (and thus also not exercising) which came after this, if someone is doing that much fucking exercising which being a superhero is, and getting chubby from normal eating habits then perhaps yer supposed to be a bit thick my dude? (like we know he diets to have like visible abs, so if not starving himself means he gets a gut then like that's likely the more natural and healthier shape for yer body to be in my guy )

Also like he's fucking * ripped * everywhere but his stomach, stop saying he's out of shape!

[slanax]

so the podcast playlist ran out at work earlier today and left me with just music and my thoughts while I continued packaging products on autopilot. Now over the last month or so I've done a lot in my day to day life to stop stagnating and settling for 'good enough' as far as like household and stuff is concerned, I finally upgraded my phone and phone plan after like five and ten years respectively, I bought new clothes that actually fit me instead of the holdovers from back in the day that I was still wearing, my kitchen now has an actual workspace bc I've rearranged my furniture and added some more - shoutouts to my mom who wanted the doors off of my ikea cupboards so she'd have a matching set for the ones I left at home (the kind I had wasn't in store anymore) bc her offering to drive me to Ikea to get replacements triggered a bit of a binge in rearranging my whole apartment and let me transport the new stuff home too. Visiting my brother made me cook more and eat healthier bc he showed me the burgers he's cooking up when he needs something fast but like, with standards.

anyways. rambling. point is that the whole thing got me thinking about other things in my life that I'm kinda 'eh good enough' on, and the big one there is my identity and my body. Me being cis is, at least at this point, a conscious choice born from indifference, the factory settings work well enough and it'd be effort to even start looking into what I'd have to do to change them. But at the same time, it doesn't feel super cis for my position to be "yeah I'd prolly trans my gender if given the chance but that sounds like I'd have to file shit and call people and bureaucracy would be involved. But I would. But the effort." like I'm remembering Ranma 1/2 from my childhood and think that'd be neat to be able to do, just switch genders at the drop of a literal bucket, I feel that's not a very cis thought.

so then about two weeks ago my workplace gave us access to some health benefits, because they're feeling bad about keeping the warehouse people a bit out of the loop and removed from the office people, and also they're having trouble finding new people and really don't want any of us to quit, or something along those lines. Point is I have better health insurance now, based on a calender year budget, so I basically have an above average budget for the second half of this year now and I wanna make use of that, because it's a use-it-or-lose-it kinda deal. Now I don't know if I can use that for any gender affirming stuff, but I might.

The problem that remains is that I still couldn't care less for going through the whole rigamaroll of a social transition, but like. staying on-paper cis and continuing to use my given name to avoid all those complications, legally still being the same person and just looking different (might need a new ID if I go that far lol) doing whatever the fuck I want with my body in the meantime without it ever affecting my legal identity because it's not a deadname if I'm still just using it, it doesn't actually give me dysphoria, and they can't force me to change my name just because I have boobs, might be what I want? And then maybe I can consider a legal gender and/or name change from there?

idk on one hand it sounds like something I'd want to do but on the other hand I also feel it's not like, committed enough? like both on a practical level where I need a doctor to help me transition physically while still using the same (male) name, and on an ideological level where it feels like appropriation in a way to just want the body and the appearance but skipping over the whole paperwork thing because I can't be arsed while for a lot of people changing name and officially recognized identity is a just as if not more important aspect of transitioning.

genuinely can't tell on my own if that standpoint is a valid one, if I'm right to be hesitant for that reason or if that's an exclusionist brainworm take, would appreciate feedback and second opinions on that part especially

either way I am going to look into using my newfound health benefits for getting my facial hair lasered first and foremost because even if I stay physically 100% male that shit is annoying, I don't care for how it looks on me, I feel messy when it's there and can't be assed to shave it regularily. Avoiding effort is a key part of my identity either way whether I'm Cis+ or Legally Cis For Tax Reasons

[warriorlid14]

So Gale and Delly. I had honestly never considered them at first, thinking they were far too different. Buuuuuuut.... I think it works? And is actually super cute when you think about for a second?

So here’s my take on how it would happen. It was supposed to be a series of short bullet points, but instead, you get a disorganized mini-fic. I’ll edit it later into an actual fic format, but for now, here ya go:

Delly goes to District 2. Gale is surprised to see her in one of their rebel/reconstruction/rebuilding/whatever their name was meetings two weeks after he had officially moved to D2. She had greeted him warmly and he supposed he had looked confused, because she suddenly had a sad smile and said, “There’s too many memories back in Twelve.” He didn’t have a response for that. He had too many ghosts back in Twelve, too.

He had never given Delly a second thought. She wasn’t in his grade level and he vaguely recognized her when he’d first seen her in D13. He supposed she was nice enough, what with the whole helping Peeta come back from... well, helping Peeta come back. But they didn’t interact, they didn’t cross paths, and he’d never had a reason to form much of an opinion of her.

But then after two days of her quietly listening in to the meetings, after Pike proposed simply demolishing the buildings near the square and rebuilding from scratch, Delly broke her silence and softly said, “Well, what do the citizens from District 2 want?”

There was silence, and then Pike said, “This will be the easier than attempting to repair every single building to its original standard.” And  Delly said “But this is their home,” her voice going up a decibal. After some debate within the team, Pike had told her that if she wanted to speak to all 60k (now 50k) residents of D2, to be his guest. 

Five days later, Delly showed up with 700 written testimonies with  requests to not tear down the buildings as well as grievances the team hadn’t even considered. Everybody was fed and had some sort of shelter- even if it was mostly camps. That had been the team’s main focus. But people wanted shoes, and shower facilities, and actual funerals for the dead.

They decided not to tear down the buildings. And Gale decided that he had underestimated Delly Cartwright.

Two weeks later Gale decided he detested Delly Cartwright. Okay, so detested was a strong word, but she absolutely aggravated him. How, just how, could a person be so cheery? At seven in the morning? It wasn’t like he wasn’t used to waking up at the crack of dawn, but that was to go to the forest. Their work place was a dimly lit, dampy building. Which also happened to house half of them, including the two of them. And if she chirpily asked him how his previous day was one more time on the elevator while he was busy trying to wake up, he would snap.

But she was from D12. The only other person from Twelve. And she meant nothing to him before, and in a way, still didn’t. It wasn’t like they were friends. But she was from home. And that counted for something. 

One day, a woman asked Delly if there was any way to retrieve her dead husband’s wedding band from the moratorium. Which led to dozens of similar requests. So Gale and Delly and five volunteers found themselves trying to ID bodies and gather belongings. The rebels had started doing this at first, but the bodies had piled up, and there were simply too many of them to continue.

For the first time, Gale saw Delly lose her smile and cheery demeanor. He told her she didn’t have to go in. He’d seen enough corpses. Some of them by his hand. A few more wouldn't make a difference. But Delly shook her head and headed to the first corpse. Gale decided that she was growing on him.

That night, Gale wondered if the corpses littered across D12 still had wedding bands on.

The first time Gale saw Delly angry was two months in when she demanded that workers from The Nut be given food and shelter instead of being left to fend for themselves. Pike yelled at her and called her naive, stepping closer towards her and Gale instinctively stepped in closer as well, protectively.

Delly’s face was flushed and she had tears in her eyes- she wasn’t one for confrontations- but she looked at Pike in the eyes and didn’t step back.

It was funny, really, how not so long ago, he would have agreed with Pike. Not so long ago, he would have looked at the workers from the Nut, Capitol supporters, and said “No. You don’t get to work for the enemy for years, you don’t get to kill for the enemy, and then demand the same rights as those who fought for freedom. That’s not fair.” Not so long ago, he had stood by that mountain and felt the ghost of the fire licking at his feet, burning his side, seen the fire flash in his mind and burn down his home, his neighbors, children, felt the fire wrap around his chest, his heart, his soul, and said, “Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. You killed my district. Now you deserve to die.” But now the fire he remembered the most was the one that had taken a blond-haired, blue-eyed, little girl that he loved like a sister. And for what? What had he fought for? Freedom. Protection. Justice. Revenge? But the war was over. And what had he fought for? All that loss could not have been in vain.

So he stepped behind Delly and loudly agreed with her. And when she smiled at him, it was almost contagious.

Delly left their department not long after they started looking for shelter for the workers at The Nut. She was now working on forming some sort of social program. Trying to build a community. Scrounging for resources outside of immediate survival. She was only two doors down from him, but Gale was surprised to find that he actually missed her constant humming in the office.

He supposed that this was why he accepted the invitation to attend the community dinner she organized a couple of weeks later. He kept his head down the entire time, focused on his meal. He had never been particularly quiet or reserved. He hadn’t been particularly outgoing, either, but he had never been shy. Now, though, he looked at his plate and didn’t offer any input to the conversation, weary of accusatory looks and swearing that he could hear people thinking murderer. 

So he was quiet, until Delly loudly announced “I’m sure Mr. Hawthorne would love to play with you,” and he looked up to see a group of five boys aged eight to twelve holding a ball and looking at him hopefully. He gave Delly a half-glare and was about to say that Mr. Hawthorne would most certainly not love to play, but she smiled brightly at him, ignoring him. And so he found himself being dragged off to a game that included kicking a ball into a makeshift net.

When he sat back down half an hour later, hair mussed and actually smiling, Pike said, “I didn’t know you were any good with kids, Hawthorne.” Delly piped up, “Oh, Gale’s great with kids. He has three younger siblings, and he was always making them laugh back in District 13.” Gale was surprised that she knew this, that she’d noticed. He gave her a questioning look, but she just smiled in return.

He kept stealing glances at her throughout the night, mostly quizzically. Maybe it was that he hadn’t been looking closely at her, but he noticed that she had gained some of her old weight back, cheeks fuller. Hair shinier. He didn’t know her before, but he did know what had happened to her parents, and knew what grief did to a person. But she looked healthier now. Good. She deserved good things in her life.

The next time they saw each other was two days later when Gale was cursing at his unit’s jammed door that was refusing to open. He was so desperate for some sleep, having just pulled a fourteen hour shift, that he was considering just ramming it down when Delly walked by, saw his predicament, and offered to let him sleep on her couch. He was so tired, he agreed without much hesitation.

The next day he woke up to the sound of loud singing, a little off-key, and mentally groaned, shifting on the couch to try to find a comfortable position again. But Delly took this as a sign that he had woken up and brightly said, "Good morning, Gale! I hope you had a great night's sleep! Was the couch comfortable?" Gale mentally cursed, but responded and got up. He found himself sitting down across from Delly and eating some toast she had made, while Delly happily chirped on about how it was going to rain that day and how she loved the smell of freshly-water grass. Gale couldn't stop himself from asking "How are you so happy all the time?" She looked surprised, and said, "I'm not happy all the time." He must have given her an incredulous look, because she shrugged and said, "I just like to focus on the small things. On the brighter things." She paused, then said softly, "It makes it easier, on the bad days, to pick myself up again."

Gale dismissed this at first, thinking that it was just a Delly thing. But then one day he woke up with the image of burning blond hair and pained blue eyes and clipped mockingjay wings. And his heart hurt so much that it was hard to breathe, that he was sure someone had reached into his chest and started to squeeze. But that day, when he visited one of the camps with his team he caught sight of two children laughing, kicking around a ball. Saw their parents smiling, with a genuineness and lightheartedness that was hard to find before the war. He held that image in his head the entire day, focused hard on it. It had been for something. The pain, the destruction, the deaths. Selling his soul to the fight. It had been for something. And the pain in his heart didn't disappear. But he did felt the pressure lessen, just a bit.

It started with an invite to dinner at her unit. And then he reciprocated because it was the polite thing to do. And then they were at each other's places once, twice, three times a week after work. And suddenly he found that he was friends with Delly Cartwright. It had been a while since he'd had a friend. He had plenty back in 12, and there was Katniss of course, and a few in 13. But now half of them were dead or hated him or were back in a district he couldn't force himself to visit. He hadn't realized how much he missed easy companionship, how much he needed actual human contact, until he found himself smiling at Delly's animated retelling of a family her team had reunified the day prior. She was a breath of fresh air in a place that was still wounded, that was still bleeding.(But somehow, it was still healing)

Delly tried to pick up new habits and hobbies often. She told him about how she failed at baking, and was decent at gardening, but could never keep track of which plants needed more or less water. A week after they had started actually hanging out, she had taken up knitting and had dragged Gale along to practice with her. To his surprise, he found that he was actually good at it. It made sense, though, considering his ability with snares. Delly smiled encouragingly at him, but still seemed a little annoyed that he had picked up her new hobby much quicker than she had. Gale grinned at this, glad to see that Delly wasn't actually superhuman and also had normal, petty, human emotions. When she held up her poor attempt at a glove that inexplicably seemed to have a thumb in the middle of the hand, he but burst out laughing. He stopped when he saw her giving him a strange look, and asked "What?" She shrugged, and said, "I don't think I've heard you laugh since we were at District 13." But then she smiled and said, "It's a nice laugh, though. It suits you. I wished you would do it more often." And to his horror, he felt himself actually blush. It wasn't like he wasn't used to compliments. Oh, he heard "gorgeous" and "hot" and the occasional "sexy" and felt eyes looking him up and down, sometimes enough to make him uncomfortable, especially when the person was significantly older. But he didn't think he'd ever heard someone compliment his laugh. It was... nice, actually. He muttered a quick "thanks" and went back to his attempt at making a hat. There was an awkward silence for a bit, but half an hour later, he was lightly teasing Delly on her skills.

It turned out that laughing was easier when Delly was around. Maybe it was having a friend once more. Maybe it was just Delly, her lightness contagious.

Delly was ranting about Pike. Except that, because she was Delly, she wasn't actually insulting him. And kept saying phrases like "while I understand where he's coming from" and "he's a good man, really, but". So Gale said, "You can call him a dick, you know. We all do it." Delly hesitated and said, "But he isn't. Not really. He just doesn't understand that we also need funding for community building and healing." Gale shook his head, amused. "Call him a dick, Delly. You know you want to." Delly sighed, and said, "I think you want me to. Would it make you feel better, to hear me call him that?" Gale grinned. "Yes, it would. I need to know that you can physically curse." Delly rolled her eyes and said, "Fine." Then softly, hesitant, she said, "he's a dick." Gale burst out laughing and Delly rolled her eyes once more, but she was laughing too. "This isn't about my ability to curse, you know. I was talking about funding for mental health professionals. The community needs it." Gale, still laughing, said, "Delly Cartwright, defender of human rights." Delly shook her head exasperatedly, but then said, "that term applies to you too, you know." That stopped his laughter. He thought about a time, not long ago, when he'd stood by a mountain full of weapons and suggested destroying them along with everyone inside. Thought about the weapons that had ended the war- and taken dozens of innocent children with them. Gale swallowed. "I wouldn't say that." Delly smiled softly at him. "You risked your life everyday fighting for freedom. Don't underestimate yourself, Gale."

Spending so much time with Delly made him become more attuned with her emotions. Which was why a couple of months later, he began to notice the strain in her smile, the way it didn't quite reach her eyes. So he took her out to the woods one weekend in an attempt to cheer her up. He didn't hunt, though. He didn't think she'd appreciate the sight of dead squirrels. But she did appreciate the freedom of the woods and the wind in her hair and the sound of the river cutting through a valley. She had sat down next to it, picking out flowers along the edge of the river and talking about how maybe he could teach her how to swim. When she looked up at him, a warm smile on her face, her blue eyes brighter in the sunlight and blond hair glowing almost gold, his answer caught in his throat. For a second, he couldn't think about anything else but how pretty she looked, but quickly buried the thought down at her expectant eyes. He told her that it was getting too cold to go swimming, now almost November. But he could teach her once it was warmer.

They stayed there for a few more hours, and she slowly became more quiet. Finally, she admitted that it was her parent's birthday that week- their birthdays fell three days apart. She said that they usually celebrated with pastries and board games then became silent once more, wistfully looking out to the horizon, eyes tearing up pulling knees to her chest. He awkwardly placed an arm around her in an attempt at comfort, but she seemed to think it was enough, burying her head in his shoulder.

Sometimes, when he felt unbearably homesick he spent hours out in the woods. They weren't the same as his woods, but they were close enough. And if he closed his eyes, he could pretend he was home. Delly didn't have something like the woods to comfort her, though. The only real connection she had to D12 in D2 was himself, and it wasn't like they knew each other before the war. He had an idea then, of someone who did know her before, someone who could help. And he hated that he suddenly felt afraid.

He and Peeta Mellark had never been friends. Not exactly. He had tried hating him once, long ago, but had quickly given up. He was too nice, too kind, too caring and never treated Gale with anything less than respect. Which led to Gale grudgingly respecting him on a bad day and actually liking the guy on a good day. In another world, maybe they could have been good friends. But in this world, he was the person closest to Katniss, at least according to Greasy Sae who he talked to once a month, and that thought filled him with dread. That Peeta could mention him to Katniss. That Peeta would know whether Katniss hated him outright or not. That he could ask Peeta to talk to Katniss on his behalf. That he could call Peeta and accidentally get Katniss on the line. And though sometimes he longed to at least hear her voice, to confirm that she was okay, he had left for a reason. And as much as he wanted to hear from her, he knew she didn't want to hear from him. But this wasn't for himself. This was for Delly. And Peeta was the one person who might be able to help. So a week later, he sucked up his fears and picked up the phone.

As soon as Peeta's voice came from the other line, Gale's mind went blank and all he could come up with as a greeting was "Um, hi." There was a pause, and then "Gale?" He swallowed. "Yeah, yeah it's me." There was another pause where Gale tried to sort through his thoughts, but before he could bring up Delly's name, Peeta awkwardly and reluctantly asked, "Do you want me to put Katniss on the line?" which caused Gale to practically shout "No!" into the receiver. "No," he said again, not shouting this time. "It's you I wanted to talk to, actually." Gale quickly explained his plan, and after a few seconds of silence, Peeta said, "That's a good idea. That's really kind of you, Gale." Gale said, "Well, she's my friend," almost defensively. "No, I know. I'm glad she's got you looking out for her," Peeta said. "Right." There was a silence, and Gale thought that maybe now would be the right time to hang up, but he couldn't bring himself to do so. "I really miss her," Peeta said finally. "She misses you, too," Gale said. Which was true, but he usually wouldn't be saying that. There was another silence, but Gale still didn't hang up. "Maybe I should go up there to visit her," Peeta said. Gale noticed how he said I instead of we. No Katniss then. Which Gale didn't know whether to be relieved it or not. Still, he said, "I'm sure she'd like that." Still, he didn't hang up. But he couldn't bring himself to ask either. And Peeta, ever perceptive, caught on to the reason for his hesitation and finally said, "Katniss is doing better, Gale."

Relief. That was the immediate feeling that overwhelmed him, followed closely by longing. There was once a time when he and Katniss lived in each other's pocket. When they depended on each other for survival, for their sanity. And no matter what had happened between them, romantic or not, Katniss was his best friend. He missed her. He missed her so much it physically hurt some days. And for a second he wanted nothing more than to hop on the next train to D12 to see his friend. But friends didn't kill each other's siblings. So he said, "Thanks, um, take care," and hung up. He desperately hoped Peeta hadn’t heard the lump that had formed in his throat.

His order arrived a few days later in some sort of container to preserve the baked books. Gale looked inside the box to find the invoice he had requested, but of course Peeta didn’t include it. He rolled his eyes and made a mental note to ask Greasy Sae how much she thought the food was worth. What he did find was a piece of paper with a phone number. Which wasn’t needed, really, because he had memorized that number months and months ago and every week got closer to dialing it. He knew he wouldn’t though. Peeta may have been closer to Katniss now, but that didn’t mean that Gale didn’t know her, too. And his presence would hurt her too much at the moment. But the fact that Peeta had given him her number meant that she probably didn’t despise the ground he walked on, then. And that was something.

When Delly opened the box to reveal an assortment of muffins, cupcakes, and cookies, all distinctly District Twelve, her eyes widened and she practically jumped at him, wrapping him up in a tight hug. He pulled her closer towards him, inhaling the scent of cinnamon that was always present in her unit and lingered on her at all times. He felt a sense of loss when she let go and was tempted to pull her back into his arms when she looked up at him with tear-filled eyes and said, “Thank you.” She stood on her tiptoes and placed a soft kiss on his cheek. The feel of her lips on his cheek lingered for the rest of the evening.

Gale lay awake that night in his bed, heart pounding hard in his chest. He wasn’t dense. He knew what his recent thoughts about  his cheerful, peppy friend meant. And the only coherent thought he could come up with about his predicament was Oh no.

It was his own little secret he carried around for months. He tried not to stare at her too hard  and tried to avoid thinking about her lips or about how her smile seemed to light up the entire world in the darkest of times. His world, at least. Sometimes it felt like the war, the bombs, had extinguished all the fire and passion inside of him. That the fire that had one day burned so strongly had died, taking with it his friend and his sister and his soul. Sometimes it felt like he was running on autopilot, doing what was expected of him, trying his best to amend his mistakes but feeling... not much, really. Empty But one look at Delly who shone so bright and he felt the warmth back in his chest. He wouldn’t tell her, of course. He couldn’t risk losing their friendship, going back to being bitter and miserable and oh so lonely all the time.

He really needed to stop falling in love with his friends.

On the anniversary of the end of the war, the anniversary of Prim’s death, Gale didn’t leave his unit. He had every intention to, even got dressed and brushed his teeth, he had a job to do after all. But then he heard the sound of some kids laughing outside his window and he fell back down on his couch. He didn’t get back up.

The pain was sudden and intense, suffocating him, and for a second he thought he was back in D12, choking under the fumes and screaming as his shirt caught on fire. He wondered if that was what Prim had felt, what all those kids had felt, those last few seconds, and he laid down and curled into himself. But he knew that no matter how horrible he felt, somewhere hundreds of miles away, Katniss was feeling worse. He had never wished for anything more than to be able to switch places with Prim at that moment. Little Prim who wanted to be a doctor. Little Prim who risked her life to save her cat. Little Prim who wanted nothing more than to heal others. Prim. Dead. At his hand.

He didn’t know how long he laid there, but eventually the door to his unit opened. Delly. He had given her a key for emergencies ages ago. And suddenly Delly was sitting on the couch and his head was in her lap and she was running her fingers through his hair and whispering something he couldn’t decipher. So he closed his eyes and tried to let her voice and smell and the feel of her fingers on his scalp ground him.

He wasn’t sure what Delly saw in him, why she stuck around. But Delly was good and kind saw the best in everyone. And had decided he was worth her friendship. And maybe if sweet and kind Delly saw something good in him, that meant there was something in him that was salvageable.

District 2 didn’t abide to the laws of science and weather because there was a huge snowstorm in the middle of March. Delly’s team and his team worked diligently for days to get the last 500 people or so moved out of camps and into the newly rebuilt compounds. Hours before the three-day storm was to hit, they were finally released and sent home. He and Delly had decided that they would weather out the storm at her place and spent the first night huddled in front of the fire, retelling old stories and playing board games and laughing into the night.

The next morning Gale woke up to the sound of Delly bustling in the kitchen, singing loudly and a little off-key. He smiled to himself, and thought that he really wouldn’t mind waking up to her voice more often.

He wasn’t sure how it happened. If he had leaned in first, if she had. But on that third night of the storm, one minute snuggling and laughing under the blanket and the next wrapped in each other’s arms, they broke apart, grinning at each other and lips tingling.

Gale decided in that moment, that he had never felt more at peace.

[dizzeeflower]

astra zeneca covid vaccine side effects - 1st dose

cw/ detailed discussion of medical symptoms, mention of vomit, covid mention

i got my first dose of the vaccine at 10am on saturday 3rd april. it was the oxford astra zeneca vaccine. for the record im 22 years old with asthma

here's an hour by hour diary of the side effects i personally experienced. these side effects are all considered typical of this specific vaccine

side effects hour by hour

the shot: didnt hurt a bit! the flu jab hurts more

in the first 2 hours after the shot i was pretty peppy abt getting rhe shot and made a batch of cookies when i got home but realised i didnt want to eat any, i put it down to not being hungry

3 hours after the shot i had a bagel and felt very nauseous after but didnt throw up

4 hours after the shot and i started feeling random aches in my hips and upper back and suddenly didnt have any energy so i crawled into bed

5 hours after the shot i got a headache. nothing too intense, the kind of headache u get if u didnt sleep enough last night. i also started getting chills despite no temperature drop, put on more layers and crawled under three blankets

6 hours after the shot my entire body started aching. the pain was about a 6/10 altogether so somewhat manageable. also my knuckles started really aching and i thought that was weird

7 hours after the shot i had drunk a litre of water so far which i rlly never do and still needed more. this is when a feverish feeling kicked in, but no actual fever. the body aches were the same pain level but i suddenly had so much less energy that i couldnt get up from bed anymore. trust me i tried

8 hours after the shot the pain was at a solid 7.5/10. i couldnt pick up my switch lite, i couldnt flip mysef over in bed, i couldnt turn my head without wincing

9 hours after the shot the pain was consistent, but my friend made me laugh on voicecall and it hurt so much that i whimpered in pain and started crying. at this point i had an actual fever. unfortunately i dont have a thermometre, but my chest and back and face were burning up. no sweating though, and i had an ice lolly to try to cool down.

10 hours after the shot i threw up said ice lolly and it absolutely killed my body... 8/10 for pain after that. also got some ringing and pressure in my ears but im not sure if that was from the strain of throwing up

11-13 hours after my shot are blurry. The pain got a lot worse at maybe a 9/10. i physically could not stop from crying and wincing and yelling in pain. i wasnt even moving, the pain was just throbbing and stabbing. mostly in my lower back, the back of my head behind my ears, and my hips. i think i got a little bit delirious. i took paracetamol at this point

14-15 hours after my shot i fell asleep for an hour and woke up drenched in sweat. despite the fever, the pain was briefly at a 4/10 which was pleasant. i stayed awake for a while talking to my friend then fell asleep again but not for too long, maybe two hours

18 hours after my shot i woke up again, this time absolutely freezing and shivering so much my teeth were chattering. pain was a 6/10. the site of the injection was swollen and very painful. when i accidentally leaned on my phone with it it felt like i was being jabbed with a needle

19-20 hours after my shot the pain got progressively worse very quickly. it went from a 6 to a 9 again. i panicked a little bit as i didnt have anyone around to help me. (if you are getting the shot make sure you have someone on call just in case u get to this point.) i took more painkillers

21 hours after my shot the pain was at a 7/10 an hour after the painkillers. not pleasant at all, but at least i stopped yelling and crying. my fever was gone but i still felt feverish and was sweating a lot. my head was still throbbing especially behind my ears. by this point id had 2.5 litres of water since my shot - please remember to drink plenty it does help

- that's where im at now, i will reblog with updates -

side note: my mum (49 yrs old, heathy but has smoked for decades) got the same shot at the same time as me literally in the same room. her side effects were later onset than mine (starting around the six hour mark) but they quickly caught up to mine to the point where we were both throwing up at the same time.

the intensity of both our side effects were exactly the same. she was also sobbing and whimpering with the pain at the same time i was (which was honestly rlly hard to hear)

the takeaway

GET THE FUCKING VACCINE this has in no way deterred me from the vaccine or made me regret it, if anything its made me so thankful ive got it because if this is what just the vaccine is doing to me, i honestly cant imagine how excruciating having the actual virus would have been

this is temporary and thats comforting. like it SUCKS im in so much pain, ive not been in this much pain since i had a two week long flu years ago. but this is firstly nowhere near as awful as getting severe covid would be. and secondly its only going to last for a couple days max and its so worth it to know that in a few weeks i'll be helping to stop the spread of this virus just for a few days of fever and bodyaches

please dont let the possibility of a bad experience with side effects deter you from the vaccine. im a complete baby and am terrified of pain and this is pretty scary but nowhere near as scary as my realisation when i was hearing my mum crying from the pain of the vaccine, that i dont know how severe it would have been had she caught the actual virus. i can feel this pain and hear hers and KNOW that it will be over and will make us healthier in the long run. if she was crying from the pain of the live virus, i dont think i would be able to handle it

get vaccinated

[ithehellisbucky]

Alpine

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Request: None

Word Count: 2.5k

Warnings: Fluff fluff fluff. Mentions of someone being hurt and brief discussion about the mistreatment of a cat.

Author’s Note: I haven’t written in so long, I’m so sorry. I suck at fluff apparently, which is a good note. It’s pretty short, sorry about that. Enjoy!

~

James Buchanan Barnes. The Winter Soldier. The White Wolf. Deadly assassin. Cat person.

This was a secret if you've ever seen one. A shame, constantly hanging over Bucky's head. But you honestly thought it was cute as hell. 

I mean, come on, he's the scariest dude you'll ever meet; but once you break through his surface he's the opposite of terrifying. He's like a burnt marshmallow, rough on the outside and soft on the inside.

So, when you saw his face light up as you walked by a pet store, you set your plan in motion. You are going to get Bucky a cat for his birthday, even if it kills you.

~

It was March 3rd, exactly a week before his birthday when your plan was set in motion. Presents were wrapped, plans were made, and all for the incredible payoff of jack shit.

A pair of socks and a new shirt, absolutely nothing. But the cat, the cat was everything. It was going to seal the deal. It was going to make this the best birthday ever.

His name was Alpine. The cat that Bucky had looked at every day when you passed the glass window. Alpine. A white, scrawny, orphan cat. Not a kitten, but a cat. A cat that would at least make Bucky's day, if not his year.

In the days leading up to Bucky's birthday, you slowly got everything in order. Bought more towels, blankets, and even cat food. Everything was in order, now, and all you needed was the cat.

~

March 10th. Bucky's birthday. The day he simultaneously loved and hated. In one way it reminded him of his life in the 30s, and in the other wasy it did the same, yet only it shone light on a different perspective.

You snuck out of bed at 8 AM. You were positive that Bucky would probably freak out if he woke up to an empty bed, so you wrote him a sweet note that said you were picking up a last-minute gift for him.

It was like something out of a spy movie; you wore a hoodie and sunglasses, in case Bucky went out on a morning run and spotted you (definitely not for the thrill of pretending you were in a James Bond movie).

First, you went to the pet store, not the shop where Alpine stayed, but at a giant pet store. You bought all the things that you couldn't easily smuggle into your apartment. Kitty litter, a crate, a collar, and a tiny little cat toothbrush that was far cuter than a toothbrush had any right to be.

After picking up all of the necessities, you drove to the pet shop. A smile spread onto your cheeks when you saw who was at the window.

It was Bucky, sweating like a pig from what you assumed was his early morning run. He was peering into the window and had a giant smile on his face as his lips formed baby talk (or cat talk I guess, but you assumed it sounded the same).

Waiting for a few minutes to enter the store was no problem, it would all be worth it to see Bucky have that same smile on his face, all day long. 

Once Bucky left the window, you instantly rushed into the store. The woman at the counter had a cheery (if not enthusiastic) look on her face, and you hoped that her service would be as great as her smile.

"Hi, I'm (y/n) Barnes, we spoke on the phone." You exclaim to the woman with a smile.

"Of course, you were seeking to adopt Alpine the cat; correct?" She returned with a grin.

"Yes, that is me," you pull out your ID to show her. 

"Great, it seems like you have most of the paperwork already filled out, if you could just fill out these few forms you'll be all set to take Alpine home." She cheerfully responded.

"Thank you so much." You reply, taking the clipboard she was handing you into your clutches.

It only took about 10 minutes to fill out the forms, and once you handed them to the woman at the counter she looked over them and then said: "Congratulations Mrs. Barnes, you are now a proud pet parent. Do you have a crate to take home Alpine, or would you like to purchase one."

"I have one, if you wouldn't mind that I pop into my car and go grab it." You could barely contain your excitement, just because this gift was for Bucky’s birthday it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t a present for you as well.

You ran to your car at an almost lightning-fast speed, practically walking on sunshine the whole way there.

Once you got back into the store, the clerk was standing right next to the window. On your side of the glass, there were boxes with all the cats and dogs. It was positioned in a way where the side facing the street and the side facing you was glass. The two adjacent walls were made out of wood painted grass green, and the top was open.

There were several pillows and a water bowl in there, and he seemed slightly malnourished. "He was a rescue." The woman exclaims.

"Hm?" You ask, you were too busy looking at Alpine to register what she was saying.

"His old home abused him, eventually animal control found out and rescued him. They put him in a shelter for a couple of weeks, but he was too scared to eat or interact with any of the other cats, so we thought it would be much safer and healthier to have him live here until he got adopted."He's a pretty traumatized cat; we've only had him in for about a month, and he's not a great eater. If you do decide to adopt him, you're going to have to do a lot of work to keep him happy and healthy. I would completely understand if you didn't want to adopt him now, we have several other kittens that would be great for you and your husband."

You didn't have to think at all, you already knew your response. "No thank you, my husband walks past this shop at least once every day, and he loves Alpine. Every time he comes here, his mood instantly brightens. He's been through some shit, and so has Alpine. I think that they could help each other."

Your gaze averted from the woman and down to the white cat in front of you. 

"Alright then, I'll open the crate and you can pick him up and put him there." She exclaimed. 

The moment your fingers touched his fur, the entire world became bleached in sunshine. His fur wasn't soft by any means, but that didn't matter to you. It was obvious that he wasn't taken care of that well, and you felt yourself developing more and more resentment for anyone who helped this beautiful cat become as scared and hurt as he was.

You carefully picked Alpine up and wrapped your arms around him in a way that you hoped made him feel protected. Half-expecting him to freak out and scratch you through your shirt, you were pleasantly surprised when he did none of those things. He just simply cuddled himself closer to your chest.

"He's perfect." You whispered under your breath, just enough to make the women smile lightly.

Gently placing Alpine in the crate, you smile at his small paws prodding around the new space. He mews, and your eyes light up even more.

"Thank you so much," You exclaim with a smile to the shopkeeper.

"No problem, give me a call if you have any problems." You grin, and shake her hand.

You pick up the crate, and Alpine starts mewling at the shaking space around him. "It's okay," Reaching down to put your hand at the opening you smile when he rubs his face against your fingers.

When you walk out the door you wave at the shopkeeper. The two of you make eye contact and exchange a smile. 

As you walk back to your car you try to move as carefully as you can to not swing around the crate too much. When you reach the car you gently put the crate in the back seat. Even though you may want for him to sit next to you in the passenger seat, you know that he could get hurt.

~

When you got home, you asked the old lady named Cynthia in the apartment next to yours to watch Alpine for a little while, just long enough for you to keep Bucky's surprise going.

"Hey baby," You exclaimed as soon as you walked in through the door to your apartment.

Bucky was sitting at the kitchen table, reading a book as he ate cereal. You internally winced when you realized that in your haste you had forgotten to make him a special breakfast, or at least picked up some donuts from Krispy Kreme. Bucky would never expect you to cook for him, but it still made you feel bad that he was eating cereal on his birthday.

"Hey doll, how are you doing today." You smile and walk up to him, scooting his chair back and moving to straddle his lap. 

"I'm doing okay, how about you?" You ask, giving him a quick peck on the lips.

"I'm doing great now." He says with a chuckle. "I was a little bit concerned when I came home and you weren't here, but it's all good."

"Sorry, I was picking you up a present." You kiss him on the lips again.

"Can I open it right now?" He asks, moving in to kiss your neck.

You laugh, and simply respond with, "I'm not your present Bucky, I think you'll like the one I am getting you a whole lot more."

"Nonsense, you being here with me is a gift of itself, everything else is just confetti."

"Awww, baby." You tilt your head to get a better look at the adorable fluffball in front of you. "I am getting you a real present though, and I think you'll like it a lot.

"So... Do you want to unwrap presents now?" 

"Sure, sounds fun." Bucky is trying to play cool, but you can see through his eyes that he’s excited.

"Alright, I'm gonna run into the bedroom and grab them really fast, then we can open them. We'll open the rest of the presents tonight at Pepper's house."

Inside of the closet where you stashed the shirt and socks you giggle thinking about the stunt that you're about to pull on Bucky.

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Bucky, happy birthday to you!" You walk in carrying the two presents in your hand, and Bucky looks almost happier than you've ever seen him before. 

Once you set both of the presents down on the ground, Bucky eagerly rips open one of the neatly wrapped packages. The second he sees that there is only a red henley inside, his face falls slightly, but he quickly picks it back up to keep the appearance of excitement on for you.

"It's great Doll, I needed another one." He reaches over and kisses you on the forehead.

He opens the second present, more slowly this time, and pulls it out carefully. His face immediately droops when seeing that it's socks. He puts on a happy face and says, "great, I love it." With as much enthusiasm as he can muster.

You let out a chuckle, even though you feel guilty for making Bucky feel bad. "I'm just kidding Baby, close your eyes and I'll have your real present in a minute."

Bucky lets out a sigh of relief, and he immediately looks guilty the second after.

"C'mon baby, did you think I would play you like that?" You respond with a small chuckle. "I'll be back in a couple of minutes," you exclaim as you lean down to kiss him on the cheek.

After you leave the apartment, you pretend to stomp down the hallway, when in reality all you’re doing is going next door. You carefully knock on the door, and Cynthia opens it up almost immediately.

"Hi, is he doing alright?" You ask with genuine concern.

"Oh lovely, you're very lucky to have him, he's sweet as sugar. My cat, Vera, has taken a liking to him, perhaps you could bring him over some time for a play date?" Even though you had never heard of a cat play date, you were open to the idea.

"Sounds great!" You reply with a smile.

"Splendid, I'll go get him now." She walks back into her apartment only to shortly return with the crate.

She hands you Alpine, and you quickly respond with: "Thank you so much, Cynthia, have a great day!" She then smiles and closes the door.

You walk the few feet back to your apartment, and you open it to a crack. "Hey baby, could you close your eyes for a minute?" Bucky doesn't say anything, and just simply puts a hand over his eyes.

As you open the door, Alpine lets out a meow. You frantically look over at Bucky, but he’s none the wiser.

Once you're fully inside and have the door closed, you set the crate on the ground and open the latch, pulling Alpine out. 

"Keep 'em closed, and let your arms out." Bucky does as you told him to, and you gently place Alpine in his arms.

"You can open them now."

Bucky looks down at the white ball of fur that he's holding, and a smile immediately erupts on his face. "Is it-"

"Yeah, baby, it is." A grin spreads on your features.

Bucky doesn't say anything, just carefully plays with Alpine. He turns him to face him and smiles even more when he sees his cute little whiskers. He begins to talk baby talk to Alpine, and you can't help but giggle at this adorable display.

"His name is Alpine." Bucky looks up at you, and then back at Alpine.

"Well isn't that the perfect name for the perfect cat." He exclaims with the biggest smile you've ever seen him wear. 

He reaches towards you and pulls you closer towards him. You move from facing him, to sitting next to him, and he wraps his human arm around you.

"I love you, sweetheart." He says as he kisses you on the forehead. 

You smile and respond with, "And I love you." As you move your lips towards him to give him a kiss, which he eagerly returns.

After you finish your sweet embrace he turns down to look at the white cat that had cuddled himself into Bucky's arm. "And I love you too, Alpine."

Requests are open!

Prompt List

~Taglists are open~

Permanent Tags: @natasha-danvers​

Marvel:

[simtrospective]

CC free! I know!

So, this is Rachael. Her aspiration is to become a Bestselling Author, and her traits are Dog Lover; Ambitious; and Loner, as those qualities seemed the best way to fulfill the backstory provided (you can read that under the cut).

I am too reliant on CC to ever go full vanilla though I admire the vanilla players so much and enjoy the several I follow here. Still, I like the challenge of pulling my mods and seeing what can happen. I’m pleased with Rachael’s face and am especially fond of her nose.

Soooo, I hope you like her, Anon! As you’re on console, this lil sim is on the Gallery; I’ve also uploaded her tray files for those who might be interested.

Outfit pics, download info, and more under the cut.......

Rachael has two everyday outfits, one for work and one for running casual errands...? I pulled her hot/cold weather outfits from her work outfit because barristers do work year round lol

Available on the Gallery as Barrister for Anon. EA ID : simtrospective  -OR-  DL HERE

Don’t claim as yours. Tag me if you use her.

Here is the rest of the ask below for those who love rich sim backstories as much as I do:

[...]

A little back story: (I say little it turned out to be a novel. Brace yourself.)

She is a hard working barrister, who although very intelligent is a bit of a procrastinator and leaves everything to the last minute. (in her line of work you wouldn't think this could happen, but alas it does and she seems to thrive under that pressure and somehow pull it off) she is very charasmatic, seems to be one of those people that just fly through everything in life while others struggle at the bottom. She does put her all into her work, once she starts getting on with it, she just finds certain aspects easier to grasp than her peers.

There are rumours that's she's sleeping her way to the top, but that seems to follow any capable, intelligent woman in any line of work and usually comes along with jealousy and bitterness. She isn't by the way, sleeping with anyone from her law firm. And she pays no mind to it. (She doesn't feel like sex should be taboo, and has had many lovers.) Although, yes, she's been out for a drink or two with a few colleagues, nothing ever would, or has, become physical, or even remotely close to emotional attachment. Actually, she feels like she is extremely hard to love, (her words not mine because it's not true), and even when she tries, she can't seem to maintain a relationship. She isn't overly affectionate, likes her own space and company, won't be controlled and is extremely independent. Although she is a romantic. Shocker. Sometimes, her need to be free causes obstacles as she mistakes even the slightest suggestion as someones needing to control her. There's no compromise with her, her way or the highway.

She wouldn't say she follows any strict rules in her own life and likes to go out whenever possible, especially dancing, although she doesn't drink often and would never touch any sort of drug and doesn't smoke. There is some serious trust issues within this woman, you have to constantly earn and show her you're worthy and this is for everyone in her life, including herself: her capabilities, her strength and her power, she doesn't trust that she has what it takes and this leads into a cycle of self sabotaging. Once, however, you mean something to her, she become something of a doormat, an enabler and has a hard time cutting people off.

She is extremely capable of anything she puts her mind to, especially the arts. She is a fabulous artist and writer. Her house if full with her paintings and she wants to publish a book someday.

She has expensive taste but doesn't necessarily need to buy expensive things. She is also very self aware and wise. Absolutely cannot take an ounce of criticism. I can see her having a very short temper, very strict but fair and very open minded. Goes above and beyond for her friends and family, to the point she gets taken advantage of and puts her own health and wellbeing second to everyone else's.

Her trust issues aren't a jealousy thing, I don't see her being a person to become easily jealous.

She likes swimming, running and yoga. She has a very small circle of friends and her favourite colour is burnt orange. She is into herbal tea, peach and cherry is her favourite and she likes to eat on the healthier side although her caramel frappes and chocolate addiction is getting out of hand. When she does drink, it is vodka, or cheap red wine, she finds the expensive stuff to taste dreadful, the only contradiction to her usually expensive taste. Eventually, she wants to move from her flat, she's been there too long, and into a nice victorian house, where she can raise some dogs. The bigger the better. She'd never buy from a breeder, only rescues.

If you've made it to this line, we'll that is some dedication and thank you. I do waffle on. If you do decide to make someone from this descript, I look forward to seeing your spin on things. Thank you again, your sims are exquisite.

[douxie-casperan]

some fake fic meme options: cat with the canary / throwing horns / r.b.f. (resting brunch face) [;)]

[Wow there’s like multiple Zouxie here whoops. I hope that’s okay! I’m literally running where my brain will take me and apparently being in pain and a headache means I want fluff. Though I DID write two angsty for other prompts so it could equally be trying to balance that out lol]

Cat with the canary

Archie stares at the box placed in front of him suspiciously unsure if to even give it a nudge with his paw lest it do... something. The temptation to bat them off the counter in a fragrant act of cat-like behaviour is remarkably strong given the literal crowd watching his every move.

"And what is it you have decided to grace this household with this time?" The cat asks not daring to take his eyes lift from the strange yellow things with beady eyes. The wizard merely rolls his eyes paying more attention to unpacking that the dilemma unfolding in front of him.

"Zoe gave 'em to me when I stopped over after getting food, figured you'd enjoy a treat and they're kinda cute to be honest," he answers stuffing more ramen than should be legally allowed into a cupboard far out of reach of a humble feline who would otherwise try and hide them on the insistence of a healthier diet.

"Apparently they come in lots of different colours? Got herself some in pink, naturally. Hopefully there's some goth abominations lurking out there somewhere too."

"What you humans find cute has always been questionable at best." The familiar levels him with a look for the ensuing laugher and fur bristles even more indignant for it.

"Bird chicks I suppose you could call them that, these however I must vehemently disagree."

"Listen if you don't want them I'll eat them all myself they don't have as much good marshmallow stuff over here. I miss flumps they were killer."

Letting out a snort of disgust and knowing well that is not an idle threat he sits on his haunches to pluck one of these mysterious peeps from their nest. Mentally he dithers for a second or two more trying not to squish the horrid thing between his pads and then ceremoniously bites the head off.

Mmm, not too bad actually

~

Throwing horns

Of all the things that had happened to him in literal centuries, having various Halloween related stuff ceremoniously dumped on his head was surprisingly not on the list until this very moment. Literally spitting feathers (?!) Douxie starts shoving the lot of them off onto his lap to find they also included, funnily enough, a set of blue glittery devil horns. Hmn, he holds them up with a quirked brow, really?

"Come on, this is like the one time of year we can dress up and be stupid and you're not on shift or finding an excuse to cover somebody else!" Zoe says with one hand on hip and the other pointing to his face with nails freshly decorated in deep purples to match her lipstick.

"You've skipped out on me three years in a row mister, you're all out of excuses this time and I want you ready for tomorrow night when I'm dragging your ass out to give this town a show they won't forget."

"That's sure a fancy way of saying drinking," he teases taking the chance for a proper shufty through the fabrics. Oh that one has a bitta potential...

"Plus this is the States remember? They think I'm underage."

"Pfft like you've never faked an ID before or the fact people think you're in college all the time Mr. I've got legs for days so I get asked about taking up modelling."

"Hey that was the 90s love, different time. Hasn't happened again in ages."

"Doux, it literally happened last month when we were in Starbucks, you were too caffeine deprived to figure out what words meant and I got stuck vouching for you appreciating the offer but too busy to think about it right now," she answers back scooping up what suspiciously looks like a Lord of the Rings wizard robe run through tie dye and holding it up like a suggestion and a grin.

"Touché," he answers shaking his head as he is absolutely not wearing that thanks. He won't own up to not remembering if that really did happen or not, if they ever go to a chain it's usually because he's too tired to function beyond ordering a drink and about ready to pass out at the first opportunity.

"Well if you're so insistent I be a lovely witch's consort fer a night, how about the lady herself decides, yeah? Within reason because it's not fair you get all the glamour and I don't fancy going it looking like I fought a bin bag and lost."

She fails to hide the faint blush fast enough from the sly grin on his face but it doesn't stop her snatching the headband from his side and twirling it as a distraction letting the shimmering catch the light just so and taking his attention off her before he can try and say something back. Satisfied, Zoe carefully places them on his head while mussing his hair a little to make sure they sit properly before standing back to admire her handiwork. Perfect.

"Hmm, alright... How about to make it fair I run everything with you first and I help with your makeup if you wear these horns? They're kinda cute and they do match your hair~"

He can't see them himself despite trying his best to which is no doubt deliberate but for a smile like that coming his way he'll happily go with whatever she asks. It's sappy and he could not care less what any other soul out there thought about it. So he simply throws a trademark salute instead.

"Deal."

~

R.B.F. (Resting Brunch Face)

"Rough day?"

She looks up to find Douxie hovering above her, tea in one hand and an éclair in the other with his brow furrowed in concern, hadn't even heard him coming let alone asked for anything yet somehow he managed to know anyway. He keeps joking about once a waiter but it's a little weird seeing it actually happening before her eyes.

"What are you even talking about?" she answers back snapping more than she intends while forcing herself to sit back in the chair instead of burying her head in her arms to give him the space for the plates to be set down with a gentle clink.

"Frankly I'm peachy."

To his credit the wizard simply rolls his eyes patting down the branded apron he's currently wearing looking more the part than usual when he works in Benoit's. Must be an inspection or something...

"For one? You've got the murder look, you only ever get the murder look when either I've done something which I can't have given I've been here all day oooor you've had multiple people try and shame the music selection," he says gesturing with his left hand and the other on hip outright abusing the fact he's taller than usual right now to loom like a mother hen.

"... And on occasion That Guy at Hex Tech but you've not mentioned him in a while. I called in my break so scooch over and blame the fact you chose a booth against a wall."

She shoots him an annoyed look but does as she's bid making enough space though not before hoarding the sweet offering he came with. He's mindful in turn to give her plenty of space so she won't feel squashed even though it means sticking his leg out from under the table so as not to bang his knee on the metal.

"I've not killed anybody before you ask but I might have thought about it."

"Uh huh."

It earns him a swat though to her annoyance he simply laughs her off and slides the tea closer knowing it's better to be patient and let her offer up the answers when she's good and ready instead of trying to push too hard when this angry at the world. They've known each other far too long, literal centuries at this point, that they can be as in tune as breathing when it really needs to count and sometimes it makes her wonder if this is what his own bond with Archie must be like? It certainly feels closer than words can give meaning to. The tea is mint with a hint of a fruit she cannot quite place from the taste of it, the heat helping warm her chest as much as her palms curled around either side of the cup. It's comforting.

"It's," she begins, then pauses ignoring  the way his head tilts to one side to show she's got his full attention she can just make out the corner of her eye.

"The new kid actually. Skittish as hell I don't know what's up with him like there's keeping a low profile and there's I'll pop out of existence like Nightcrawler. Literally every time I try and talk to him alone he just ups and bolts you'd think we like bite or something."

A hum is let out beside her seeming trying to properly weigh up his options from the way his head moves just enough for his hair to shift across his face. Zoe takes the opportunity to grab the éclair so she won't be caught looking too obviously and as ever grateful he didn't bother trying to make her use cutlery and instead left a napkin for the future chocolate mess.

"Must be something up, want me to try and grab him for a natter? Mean I'm still an unknown so might be a bit less threatening and can always try the "Look at my cute cat!" angle if I have to. Doubt it's you personally, could just be nervous of all the ladies you got over there that could kick his ass," he says teasing nudging her in the shoulder getting a derisive snort back.

"What's his name by the way?"

It IS an idea, come to think of it, Douxie carries more of an aura of being harmless and he might be willing to open up more to another guy and help get to the bottom of just what's up without it coming across as an interrogation not to mention genuinely being able to say he's separate from the Coven.  She gives the plate a tab with a nail to make more of a show of debating it before finally answering.

"Calls himself Hank."

[faunusrights]

OFFAL HUNT REMASTERED LIVEBLOG // CHAPTER 22

IN THIS EPISODE OF SURPRISINGLY TENDER TENDERNESS:

It had her soul by a hook, a barbed arrow digging into her flesh, gouging her bloody the more she tried to escape it.

JUST KIDDING

okay i’m just gonna HOP RIGHT IN if u dont mind me cause we in it now and i DON’T have time to catch you all up go read the fic!!!!!!!!!!!! DONT ASK ME SHIT

A direct line suited her better. From up here, with only the rain between her and the sky, the path ahead was so clear. The tether was a straight line.

a gaydar so refined it comes with its own overlay. sweet.

the planet below her resisted, no matter how she insisted

even when she persisted? 

She pushed, and the force released like a broken dam, propelling her body away from the unyielding world beneath it—she leapt, high into the air, and it was like flying. With huge bursts of Aura, she cushioned her falls and leapt again, from rooftop to rooftop, making a straight line across the city.

can u imagine yr in umbraroot having a grand old time minding yr own business and then u see Very Famous Tenured Professor of Beacon Academy, Glynda Goodwitch, pinging herself across the sky? nobody would believe u. do u think it’d b on the news.

The rain fell hard. It was pitch dark. Glynda had the phantom of a scent: like the last breath of a campfire before it died, like a kinder version of the acrid stench of Grimm, Cinder’s trail was clear as day to her. She was getting close; she could sense it, like blood on the wind.

ISNT THIS NOSTALGIC,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, wow. its like glynda’s abt to ruin vale’s infrastructure all over again,

If Cinder was in a fight, this rain would muzzle her. Glynda remembered it vividly: how frustration tainted Cinder’s face in Forever Fall, how her fire sputtered and died. Even Cinder would lose her edge here, in this cold downpour. If she was in trouble—if she—

remember when glynda realised this for the first time and was like ‘hoho’ only now its made a thousand times worse because u have a crush emotions r hell and yr in the soup now!!!!!!!!!!! YR IN THE SOUP NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She almost ran right past Cinder—might have missed her entirely, if not for the painful yank at her own soul.

did cinder just hit the ground like a wet grape

“Don’t touch me!” Cinder’s voice was raw. She snarled the words out like a cornered animal and lashed out with one arm, hitting Glynda’s hand away. The other arm was limp, still tucked to her chest.

BE GENTLE WITH KITTY,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, lure her ass out w/ some shrimp on a string,

She shook like a frightened fawn under Glynda’s touch, ratchet tense and wholly spent of strength.

i cannot even describe how many of these scenes i am seeing so vividly in my head and my GOD do i wish i were better at sequential art cause i want to draw them ALL........................ I WANNA DRAW OUT THIS WHOLE THING!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

god i cant like. TALK ABT THIS SCENE WITHOUT COPY-PASTING THE ENTIRE THING BUT AAAAAAAAAA god. GOD. i just. phew. PHEW. its REAL TENDER. GLYNDA PICKING CINDER UP LIKE A LIL GRAPE AND wait diesel is this the thing you drew art of. diesel. diesel look at me is this that art--

Her fingers bunched in Glynda’s shirt. They were drenched and cold and Glynda hurt so much inside for her—whatever had happened to Cinder this night had destroyed her, that much was clear.

/sips drink see if i were an asshole id say hoohoo the karma but as i am not i say only this: babey 😔

If they recognized her name, they were determined to act normally when arranging the room she asked for.

“hey didn’t we just see her ping across the city a couple of hours ago--” “greg don’t even ask”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Cinder mumbled. “Leave me.”

“I won’t.”

ough,,,, directly in the kokoro i see

The shower was a collaborative effort; Glynda inspected for injuries while Cinder sat in the tub, warm water pelting down on them both.

other slowburns when they share a shower: hoohoo,,,,,,,, the tension,,,,,,,,, the s k i n offal hunt: what if you got in the shower with yr ex-enemy,,,,,,,,,, to inspect her wounds,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, and you were both girls 😳

Glynda gently roused her own, pressing a tender flow of it through her palms, offering it to Cinder.

Cinder’s Aura was hollow and hungry. Her soul lapped up everything it was offered. Cinder leaned back slightly, like that would help the boost go through faster; or maybe like all she wanted was a kind touch. She didn’t look back. Slowly, the various cuts and scrapes that littered her body erased themselves.

i am loving this mirroring which you probably already guessed but im like wriggling in my chair abt it all,,,,,,,,,,,,,, THIS GAY SHIT. FUCK YEA. FUCK YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEA

She turned off the shower and stepped out, gathering up the biggest towels she had found, bundling Cinder up in one and fluffing her hair again. This time the white towel came away clean. Cinder peered out owlishly, her face a far healthier color despite the purple bruising that remained around her eyes, telling plainly of her weariness.

OKAY straight up that description is so cute i physically clapped a hand to my mouth and went ‘AWUGH’ because BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! B A B Y

There was a gulf between them in the hotel bed.

It wasn’t at all like their nights at Cinder’s house. This was closed off. Distant. A thousand questions and answers hung unspoken in the air, heavy like the rain clouds themselves. The two of them were warm and dry, but not much else. There was little comfort to speak of.

see the real slowburn experience is having progress and losing that shit again. we take one step forwards and two back. u get the HIGH and then u get the real low but rn i hope cinders round face smiles once again. nobody who looks that baby like should ever b so sad and thats a fact 😔

Cinder, in her sleep, started crying again. It came and went in disconnected pieces, until she finally cried herself awake, startling out of her dreams.

i sent this crying cat in response to the update announcement but i never knew how real it was until now

again there’s a whole ass section where i cant pick one bit cause its ALL good but GOD this fucking. whole silent conversation theyre having. OUGH. THE SOULMATES.

When Cinder didn’t answer the question, Glynda held one arm out, lifting the blankets between them. “Cinder.”

Glynda didn’t know which surprised her more: that she had offered, or that Cinder accepted.

OH???????????

She settled quietly, face pressed into Glynda’s collarbone, her breath flitting warm over scar-marked skin. Glynda’s arm, curled around her back, weighed her down. Cinder did not hold on to her in return. She was folded up around herself, fitting into the space Glynda had made for her, taking to warmth and shelter like an abandoned child.

OH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;w; 

also whuh-oh:

The fear was eating her alive, and bit by bit, her skin seemed to unravel, every layer of her body sloughing off into just meat, rent through by that light—it felt like teeth, like destruction, like being twisted apart in some giant’s hands like an insect having its wings pulled out. It held fury like she had never felt. She quailed before it, and it bared its teeth, black tar and grave-rot spilling from between yellowed fangs.

Glynda tried to close her eyes, to look away, to run away, but it seized her like a bear trap sinking its jagged teeth into the wrong prey, snapping a much more fragile deer bone with ease. It sieved her being out from between her ribs, drinking only the cacophony of her soul, lapping up every part of her inheritance—all the while she was fighting, struggling helplessly in its grasp, her mind mere shatterings of bright-red pain, with only slivers of meat and fragments of bone remaining of her body—torn apart by lances of sunlight, burning like fire, a dawn that came with the sound of a scream.

firstly: 👈😎👈

secondly: do i gotta say how i love how visceral this fic is? i say it like in every liveblog. BUT IM SAYING IT AGAIN FOR GOOD MEASURE. IM SAYING IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was coming. It would destroy her. With ease, with relish, it would tear her still beating heart from her chest and discard it, offal from the slaughter—and then it would dig deeper still, to draw out of her that very engine that kept her moving.

is this the closest we’ve gotten to an almost title namedrop?

Glynda stared through the darkness, seeing nothing, but knowing without a doubt that her gaze pointed north like a compass.

HRM............................................. I N 👈 T E R 😎 E S T I 👈 N G

THATS CHAPTER 22 BABEY. it was VERY good. i mean rip cinder’s whole ass but i do love her. i love this evil baby. i also love glynda picking her up with all the effort of picking up a bag of crisps,

[etherealwaifgoddess]

To Give Him The World, Chpt.2

Main Characters: Thor x Ellie (original female character)

Summary: Ellie goes shopping for Thor and he invites her to stay for dinner when she gets back. After a nice evening together Ellie agrees to spend the night and they both finally gather the nerve to face the growing attraction between them. Master List is HERE if you need to catch up.

Warnings/ Content: A little more self consciousness (he’s a work in progress ya’ll) and angst if you squint. Mostly sweet shy fluffiness though. 

Word Count: 3.6k

Author’s Note: Hello lovelies! I didn’t mean for this chapter to be quite so long but my hand slipped and now it’s a beast. OH WELL. I’m a sucker for a nice long build up and these two just give me all the feels. Fun fact - the movie Ellie mentions in this chapter (Safety Not Guaranteed) is a real movie and it’s my favorite movie IRL. It’s just the most perfect thing I’ve ever watched and something about the end scene just makes me feel like the world is a better place. If anyone has seen it and wants to scream about it’s amazingness with me feel free to shoot me a message. Okayyyy enough rambling for now. Hope ya’ll have a nice weekend and enjoy this chapter. XOXO - Ash

To Give Him The World, Chapter Two Ellie returned an hour later, arms loaded with brown paper bags. She had been so engrossed in picking things out for Thor that she had completely forgotten her own shopping. Not that she could have carried anything else even if she had remembered. It wasn’t difficult shopping for the god, she had cleaned up enough wrappers to know what foods he favored. Ellie was sure to throw in a few healthier options too, though she wondered if he’d even try them. 

Thor jumped up from his seat to help when Ellie crossed the living room but she waved him off with her free hand, setting the bags down in the kitchen with a thump. She took a deep sigh of relief and started unpacking her haul. 

Thor watched her from the doorway, “I’d like to help. What can I do?” He asked hopefully. 

Ellie looked at him with surprise, “You can put the cold things away in the fridge. It’s all in this bag here.” 

Thor picked up the bag she had pointed to and started unloading things haphazardly. Ellie grimaced when she saw what he was doing but didn’t criticize him. She unpacked the last of the dry goods and yawned loudly before she could hold it back. 

“You’ve worked too hard today because of me. You shouldn’t have had to do all this.” Shame filled Thor’s chest. Here was this beautiful, kind woman who had spent the whole day working herself ragged to clean up the mess he shouldn’t have let happen in the first place. Thor let the familiar pain of failure wash over him as it had almost daily for the past decade.

Ellie noticed the change in Thor’s expression, the faint lines of stress forming by his mismatched eyes. “It’s okay.” She assured him. “I volunteered to come to do this. Besides, we haven’t seen each other in centuries. I wanted to see you.”

Thor looked over at her, wishing he the circumstances of their reunion were different. “Let me at least buy you dinner for your troubles. You shouldn’t have to cook after all this.”

Ellie thought of the empty apartment that awaited her and decided an evening with a childhood friend was much more appealing. “Alright, that sounds good.” 

Thor’s smile returned, “I’ll go call in a pizza. Do you eat pizza? What about jalapeño poppers? Or wings?” 

Ellie laughed at Thor’s eagerness, “Yes, any of that is fine. I’ll eat anything.” 

“Good, good.” Thor muttered to himself as he went to call in the order. 

Ellie remembered the laundry and went to collect it before the clothes wrinkled any more than they already had. Thor found her in his bedroom folding a bulky grey sweater. “I can do that.” He said from the doorway. 

Ellie turned to face him, setting the sweater down on the bed. “I started it, I’ll finish it. Why don’t you go pick out a movie for us to watch while we wait for dinner?” 

Thor nodded and after a moment he walked off. Ellie grabbed a pair of socks and wished her hands would stop shaking every time he looked at her for more than a few seconds. She felt a little pathetic, pinning after Thor again after all these years. She had been infatuated with him when they were younger and being around him again brought everything crashing back in. Shaking her head at herself Ellie refocused on her task and prayed she would make it through the evening without making a fool of herself. 

Thor flicked through movie options on the television, not liking anything he was finding. He wasn’t sure what she would like, probably something funny, but what kind of things did she find amusing? He remembered as children she loved the comedy plays best but that was a millennium ago. Thor found himself displeased he didn’t know and wondered if her laugh was still the same as when they were children. He wanted to know everything about her. He longed for the connection they had when they were young, and more he admitted to himself. Thor wished he had taken better care of himself, body and mind. He wanted things that were beyond his reach now. He couldn’t ask her to accept him like this, not after having seen him in his prime. Lost in thought he jumped, startled, when she joined him on the sofa. 

“What did you find?” Ellie asked him. 

“Nothing yet. I wasn’t sure what you would like.” 

“Just pick something. I’ll be fine.”

“What is your favorite film?”

“Safety Not Guaranteed. You’ll never find it on Netflix, trust me. Just scroll through what’s new and we’ll see what they have.” Thor clicked down to the recently added list and started scrolling through the list. “Have you seen Superbad?” Ellie asked him as it came across the screen.

“No, I do not believe I have. Would you like to watch it?”

“Sure, it’s a classic. I think you might enjoy it, it’s really funny.”

Thor started the movie and couldn’t help but notice how Ellie had settled in against his side so comfortably. He wasn’t sure if she was conscious of how she had pressed up against him but he wasn’t going to point it out and risk her retreating. Dinner arrived shortly after the movie started and Thor jumped up to get the door. Ellie’s eyes grew wide at the armful of food Thor returned with. He sat everything out on the living room table and went to get plates from the kitchen. Ellie looked around realizing he had ordered two large pizzas, a box of wings, jalapeño poppers, and fries. “Do you want a beer?” Thor called from the kitchen. 

“Sure.” She called back, thinking it might help her nerves. “You got quite a feast.” She commented as he returned with plates and their drinks.

“Yeah, ah, I guess I overdid it a bit.” He flustered, a little embarrassed. He wouldn’t have thought twice about the order had he been alone but under her gaze he wished he had not appeared so gluttonous. 

Ellie wished she could take back her words. She knew firsthand how it felt to eat around other people knowing every bite was being judged. It wasn’t fair but it was something she had faced her whole life since she never fit into the petite, thin mold expected of her as a woman. “I appreciate it.” She tried to make him more comfortable. “It’s nice to have options.”

Thor nodded, attempting to relax a little. He piled his plate with a little of everything and Ellie did the same trying to put him at ease. It was too much but she intended to at least make a dent in it before giving up. Thor started up the movie again as they ate and slowly Ellie found herself unwinding. Eventually she gave up and pushed her half full plate away as Thor filled his up again. This time she got up to get them more beer and returned to find him laughing at McLovin trying to use his fake ID. She smiled down at him as she resumed her seat by his side. He seemed so much more relaxed now and she was glad to have brought him a little happiness if only for a few hours. 

Thor took the cold bottle from Ellie and drank almost half with one long pull. Ellie sipped at hers, feeling the warm buzz starting in the back of her brain. She never could handle her alcohol well. Thor looked so inviting next to her, she missed the days when she would curl up with him so freely. Before she could second guess herself, Ellie laid her head against Thor’s shoulder and got comfortable. Thor tensed at the contact for a moment but once he looked down at Ellie’s content face he relaxed. He wondered if it was possible for her to enjoy being close to him as much as he did. Nervousness raced through him and he distracted himself with his food and the movie, unwilling to face his emotions. 

The movie ended and Ellie let out a long sigh. She sat forward to stretch in her seat, her hair flowing freely down her back and brushing against the sofa seat as she arched her back. Thor longed to run his fingers through it and found himself acting on the impulse, his common sense apparently having left him after the fifth beer. Ellie froze in place at the feel of Thor playing in her hair. She had stopped halfway through her third beer but her mind was still a little slow as she tried to sort out what was going on. She turned to face him, a questioning look in her pale green eyes. Thor seemed to snap out of it when he saw her expression and he started apologizing, “I’m so sorry, Ellie. I just… I don’t… I would never…” he fumbled. 

Ellie reached out to take the hand he had pulled back into her own, “It’s alright. I don’t mind.” They sat staring at each other quietly for a moment, both unsure how to navigate the waters they were rapidly approaching. Ellie shifted closer to him, her thigh pressed up against his, still holding his hand in her lap. Thor reveled in the peace and calm her presence brought him. It was something he had rarely found over the past decade and he was reluctant to let it go. He stamped down the desire that grew inside him as his mind wandered to what she might look like underneath him. 

Ellie seemed to regain her wits quicker and she let his hand go to stand up. “I should head home.” She said with a tinge of sadness in her voice. Thor noticed she was still a little uneasy on her feet whether from the beer or exhaustion or both, he wasn’t comfortable with her trying to get home in her current state. Thor reached out and took her hand again, “Are you sure? You’re not steady on your feet yet and I couldn’t forgive myself if something happened to you.” 

Ellie knew he was right and she was a good fifteen minute walk away even if she hustled. She was worried about her slowly weakening resolve to not throw herself at him though. 

“Please,” Thor said breaking through her thoughts, “Don’t leave tonight.”

Ellie’s mind spun at the implications. “What?”

“Don’t leave tonight. Remember the nights we used to stay out looking at the stars together curled up in a blanket fort? It could be like that again.” 

Idiot, she chided herself for thinking she saw more in his eyes than friendship. “Okay.” She agreed. “I’ll help you cleanup and then I’ll crash here for the night.” 

“Thank you.” Thor was relieved she had agreed to stay. He gathered the leftovers up while Ellie grabbed the beer bottles and they made quick work of cleaning up the living room. “Ready for bed?” He asked as he put the last of the pizza in the fridge. 

Ellie yawned again and nodded. “Yes, please.” She said afterwards. 

“Follow me.” Thor motioned in the direction of the bedroom and Ellie followed him. Standing in the room with him it felt smaller than it had earlier. Thor rustled through his drawers and pulled out a long T-shirt which he held out to her. “You can wear this if you’d like to get changed.” He offered.

Ellie took the shirt and thanked him. She headed to the bathroom to get changed and calm herself a little. It was just Thor, she tried to tell herself. It was no different than when they were children innocently sleeping beside one another. She tugged the shirt on and was glad it flowed midway down her thighs like a dress. She unclasped her bra, unwilling to sleep with it on regardless of how immodest it felt to be bare beneath his shirt. Folding her clothes in a neat pile she tucked them into the linen closet and made her way back to the bedroom. Thor was looking down at the bed like it was full of spiders, lost in concerned thoughts. He hadn’t changed and Ellie wondered if it was because of her. “Thanks for the shirt.” She said breaking the silence. 

Thor looked over at her and his mouth went dry. So much for ignoring his attraction to her, he lamented to himself. She was perfection wearing only his thin white shirt, it did little to hide the feminine curves underneath and he couldn’t help but notice the little peaks of her nipples pressing up against the fabric. “You’re welcome.” He forced himself to say as normally as he could manage. 

“Aren’t you going to overheat?” Ellie asked with a frown at his clothes. 

Thor pulled at the hem of his shirt, “I did not want to cause you discomfort.”

“Thor, I’m wearing your shirt as a nightgown. I think it’s fair you get comfortable as well. How would you normally sleep if I wasn’t here?”

Thor’s cheeks flushed and he avoided her eyes, “Perhaps I’ll just take off my shirt. Let me get the lights first.” As much as baring his soft chest and belly to her distressed him, he needed the additional barrier of his sweatpants between them if he was going to get any sleep at all. 

Ellie guessed he would have slept naked based on his blush and she hoped he hadn’t embarrassed him too much. Thor flicked off the lights and Ellie heard him shuffling in the dark to take off his shirt. The bed sagged under his weight when he joined her under the covers. She rolled onto her side to face him, trying to make out his features in the dimly lit room. Thor’s breathing was shallow, his anxiety getting the best of him. He struggled to stay put and not bolt out of the bed. He wanted her there in his bed but the idea of her seeing him like this or knowing how he desired her made him worry she would run off. 

“You’re thinking awfully loud over there.” Ellie said into the dark. She could hear his rapid breathing and wondered what had upset him. 

“I’m sorry, I’m not used to sharing my bed. Most nights I have trouble sleeping.”

“No worries. I was just concerned I’d done something.”

“No, of course not. If anything I’ll sleep better with you here.”

“Well that’s good.” Ellie decided to risk it and moved closer to him under the blankets. “I would like to bring you comfort if I can.” 

Thor held his breath as he felt her body press up against his. She placed a small hand against his shoulder and ran it up and down his arm soothingly. He waited for her to recoil, to run, but she stayed put. He took a shuddering breath and she moved her hand up to his cheek, caressing it gently. “Are you sure you’re okay?” She asked, worried. Thor nodded against her palm, unable to find words. It had been so long since anyone had touched with him affection that he barely knew how to respond. Ellie was starting to piece together his reactions. She was sobering and knew she could run home if need be, but she wanted to test the waters to see if she was right. She needed to know one way or another if the longing she thought she had seen in his eyes was real. 

Ellie let her fingers stroke his beard, feeling the softness of his jawline under the wiry hair. Unconsciously Thor pressed his cheek against her palm again, enjoying the contact. He was slowly losing the battle for self control and a spark of hope that she might return his affections flickered in him. Ellie wanted to run her hands down his soft chest and across the slope of his belly but she couldn’t risk being so bold. If he didn’t feel the same she didn’t want to send him running for the hills. Instead she tested the waters with her words. “This is nothing like when we were children, is it?” She asked quietly. 

Thor shook his head, “No, it’s not.”

“Better though.” She tried. 

The spark of hope in Thor’s chest bloomed into a fire at her words. “Much better.” He agreed. 

Feeling brave and praying to the Norns, Ellie leaned up leaving one hand cupping Thor’s cheek and she hovered her face over his. She waited, giving him a moment to understand her intentions. She stroked his cheek with her thumb, waiting for any sign that he was willing. Thor’s eyes trailed from hers to her lips and back again, his own parting slightly as he inhaled. She took the chance and pressed her lips to his. The kiss was tentative and brief but left Thor shaking. Ellie leaned back a little, giving him space. She moved her hand back down to rubbing his shoulder letting him process what she had done. In her mind she was screaming at herself for being so brazen, waiting for him to politely decline her advances. 

Thor’s voice was hoarse when he finally spoke. “I cannot ask this of you.” 

“Why not?” She asked, confused. 

“You’ve already done so much for me. I know you’re just trying to help, do not feel obligated to comfort me in this way too.”

“Obligated? Do you think so little of me?” Ellie’s heart ached that he thought so lowly of himself that she was showing him affection only out of pity. 

“No, never. I think the world of you. I just… Ellie, look at me. I cannot expect that you would care for me so. Not like this.” 

Ellie’s temper flared briefly and she pressed her palm against his soft chest. “I am looking at you. If you do not desire me just say so. I’m not a little girl anymore, you won’t hurt my feelings, Thor.” 

Thor could barely form a response. “Ellie, I do. I just never thought…You remember how I was in my prime. And now...” 

“Okay. It’s okay. I’m no stranger to feeling insecure.”

“But you are lovely. What would ever make you feel that way?” 

Ellie sighed and took Thor’s hand in hers. She pressed his palm against her soft middle and then pressed her palm against his. “There’s no difference here.” She explained simply, hoping he would understand. 

Thor rubbed gently, enjoying the feel of her. “You have always been this way though, it’s just how you were made. So beautiful with your rounded curves and softness. I am a… a fattened shell of a god who failed. Therein lies the difference.”

“Oh Thor.” Ellie’s eyes teared at his words. “Darling, no.” Thor’s heart leapt at the endearment as she continued. “You’re not any of those things. You are a hero who’s had to endure more loss than anyone could be expected to bear, god or not.” 

Thor couldn’t speak past the lump that had formed in his throat. He pulled Ellie closer to him until their bodies lay flush against one another. He leaned his forehead down, resting it against hers. Ellie leaned in to him, running her hand down his broad back. She tilted her head back slightly to move her lips against his once again. The kiss was less hesitant than their first and Thor eagerly met her motions with his own. She pulled back in desperate need of air and she could see the smile on his face as she steadied herself. 

“So perfect.” Thor mumbled while pressing a kiss to her shoulder where the shirt’s neckline had dropped exposing a bit of her pale skin. He went to say more but was cut off by a long yawn. 

“We can just sleep. I’m exhausted too.” Ellie offered. 

Thor frowned, “Will you be able to stay a little while tomorrow?” 

“Absolutely. I can call out of work and spend the whole day if you’d like. Maybe I’ll teach you how to make pancakes for breakfast.” 

Thor made a happy noise in the back of his throat. “Yes, I would very much like that.” He pulled Ellie even closer still, until she was half lying on him. She snuggled in making herself comfortable. Ellie loved the way they fit together like this, the way his plush body yielded against hers like a pillow. A small sigh escaped her lips and he kissed the top of her head in approval. “How did I get so lucky?” He mused. 

Ellie laughed lightly, “Well, about a thousand years ago you were unbelievably kind to a poor little girl who spent her days watching two brothers play but was too shy to ask to join.” 

“Mmm, very wise of me.”

“Indeed.” Ellie yawned again, barely hanging on. “We need to sleep, Thor. I promise we can talk more in the morning. We can spend tomorrow doing whatever you want. But for now we both need sleep.”

She felt Thor nod and then tense up for a moment, “Ellie, ah… if I should wake you in the night… if you should hear any yelling, please forgive me. I do not typically sleep very well.” 

Ellie wasn’t surprised Thor had nightmares after all he had been through and was touched he thought to warn her. “It’ll be okay. If you do wake me then I’ll just have to help you fall back asleep.” 

Thor squeezed her tighter and then finally relaxed, trying to sleep. Ellie laid awake for some time after, recognizing the moment he fell asleep by the change in his breathing. She struggled to calm her mind, the days events running on an endless loop. Never in her wildest dreams would she have believed she would be spending the night in Thor’s bed chastely sleeping together. Finally though, exhaustion won out and she drifted off to sleep in his arms.

Tag list lovelies: @thorfanficwriter @lancsnerd

[princesspuddle]

im.nervous about tomorrow, i feel sick and sad and idk what to say tomorrow :(( no body to tell, ask, brainstorm or anything, i wish i could tell people but it just feels pointless and like weight on people. While im happy to keep it to myself im also unhappy to. I read back my old letter today and in the note section about who to go to when i need help was a name i can no longer go to help/talk to for and it made me laugh a bit, i also told them if im ever in a crisis he is the only one they can contact that i trust. And this was less that 6 months ago.. im just trying to think of my future self and that what im feelikg right now, going through and healing is all so i can be completely finenin the future.

The only times it crosses my mind is the small things id be doing in the day where id probably message him what im up to.. other than that i feel like nothings changed.. its almost more sad this way because im trying to think of how the relationship was actuallu adding anything different to my life..

Im struggling with getting tasks done right now.. the same as in the relationship

Im not getting physical attention.. i wasnt in the relationship either..

Im not inspired to be healthier in my food/excersise.. i wasnt in the relationship either

Im not super encouraged to attain personal and futute goals.. i wasnt in the relationship either.. or it felt more like that was a cursed topic.

I dont feel majorly unwanted because i didnt feel super wanted in the relationship either.. if anything, this is more uspetting me writting this right now. What has changed? I feel the same, better, most days. Now i am just having to be self reliant, like i always was. But with less depressive feelings of being in a co-partnership and not being equal supported.

It was hard and draining.. i feel like i was always giving and giving and it was being taken and taken at no consideration of my expense. Im proud of myseld because i did ALL of that and still was strong enough to push myself as well. I felt like a duplicated mother and not a girlfriend, bringing meals to his lap, asking if hes saved money, planning what we do...there wasnt much in it for me, just being taken from all the time and for the most part didnt get appreciation either.., i feel like i was the one to tell him everything, he never asked about my finances, savings together for holidays or life, even working on my website, he never asked to see, only when i completed it and showed him. My uni grades, mental state, if im eating fruit.. i get it if i was too much sometimes, but at least you had me there for you in all capacities of your life, i was truly trying to look out for you everywhere, to help everywhere, personal progress, physical health, mental health, finance, living, future plans, dates, long distance dates, calls, texts, plans when in person, fixing your forgetfulness, fixing your lateness, EVERYTHING

Im angry because if i had recieved equal and mutual support, i feel like i would have been more amazing than what ive tried already, but even now im still only dipping my toes in things, and im.imagining the feeling of being inspired by a partner, the boost in life it would give me, not having everyhting be so serious, laughing at mistakes together, taking a plunge together, and the feeling of that person trying their hardest to get themselves to a situation where they could access me easier, both of us.. even after saying you were hopeful for our future and i mentioned how id need to live close to someone, you kicked off at me and wouldnt dare consider looking outside of the city.. it hurt because i wasnt TELLING you what to do. I hoped that you would understand ina relationship you would wwnt to be close to the person.

I felt like you were just waiting for me to do everything.. i didnt feel like you were even considering the thought of living with me after my 3rd year because it would be easier for you to wait until ive figured it out and plan it. I kept thinking as soon as i finish id be the one looking for flats and trying to scramble it together so we can be close, while he sits and just lets me do 90% of the work. That vision used to make me so upset that i just wanted to grab onto any thread of feeling he would give me that he wants to live with me soon, more than a 'yes i do'.. but everytime i wanted to talk about it there came a sigh, a hastle, a tone of voice that made it sound like such a huge dent in the evening, that it was always a 'Yess YESS I GET IT' and always put off.. the time was coming really soon and i was so thinly holding onto the idea that living with me would make him see life with me differently, and it took so much for me to emotionally bear with the fact that this person could barely show an interest in any aspect of a mature life together. This person that would say they love me and truly feel connected with me and in every card would write how we would always be together.. sighed and left the conversation everytime i wanted to chat about it. I was ready to move onto the next chapter of my life with you, and while.i know you were having it rough and going through things and wanted to figure things out. I didnt see you wanting to make effort for you or me, i was in limbo on my future, i was ready to adjust and put things aside and compromise for a relationship as you should. But i was so scared of these compromises i was making at the expense of myself, for someone who wasnt making any for me.. i dont know when this started happening... i dont know if this just is your personality and i was invested in what i thought would fit for me, but it feels like all of this is because of university. That the year you left, it all went downhill, innmy eyes became severely depressed, addicted to videogames and numb to a lot of the world including me. Events happened in your life after that and it piled on top until yoi just shut off everything. I wanted to support you throigh it and im so sorry these things happened.. i know i could have dome better for you but i had to keep myself up too and i was so prepared to do that for a long while to see you get better, i was still ready until the night we split. I have spent time thinking if he finished uni would it all be different? Would he be in a job he loves? Would he have gone straight into moving out getting a car and us being happier straight away? Im confused as to if all this time i was just tryint to squeeze you into someone who would be a suitable match for me, or if you really were just having a rough time and will be happy and everything i could have wanted once you feel better and are no longer suffering?

I dont think you ever told me what you want.. i feel like from the beginning you always knew i was adventurous and a big dreamer, but you never opposed to those things or made it seem like its not the life you want, but if in fact you only dream of having a decent job, not living far from home with a few holiday a year, a small family and a homey wife then why wouldnt you make thay clear to me sooner? You never said that either so how would i know if i was pushing you too far.. even to this day i dont know what he wants.. my biggest dilemma is "hes unhappy right now and thats why he is the way he is about us, or its just the way he is and hes unhappy because im pushing my vision of us too far"

The biggest thing that hurt was the feeling of how much of a struggle it felt like to talk about living together.. thay our dream since we started dating was to be with eachoyher fulley one day.. and we got so close and i no longer felt you wanted that.. it just felt like we had been building up to this moment, part reason i came 5 hrs away from home yo uni was so i could be at one closer to you, but the uninterested tone in your voice when regards to you moving slightly out of your comfort zone to be with me hurt so weirdly like id never expect... it hurt because i keep wondering how you were going to move and live in japan for the most part of a year, but with me a bit further than your city.. its too much.. :((

[shellheadtmarc]

“Glad to have disappointed you.” (mac)

And there it is.  He’s been waiting.  He’s been waiting, because it always ends up like this, doesn’t it?  There’s a large part of Tony - more than he wants to admit, that’s spiteful and vindictive and petty - that wants to turn around, and ask Mac what, exactly, he thought he was signing up for?  What kind of person, who has the moral obligation (and make no mistake, Tony very much sees it as his moral obligation) to do the right thing, turns a blind eye?  Who acts that selfishly, like the decision was even a decision to begin with?  Because for Tony it hasn’t been.

There’d been literally no hesitation, once learning Austin was ill, getting worse, and asked to delve deeper into the secret side of the vault for answers.  There’d been no hesitation on taking the cure back to the vault’s infirmary and handing it over.  For him there just simply hasn’t been a choice.  There hasn’t been a second thought.  He hasn’t regretted his choice for a second.  If the disease survives his new enhancements, it’ll be a miracle.  He can run full scans once he gets back to the lab, analyze his blood composition and compare it to previous tests to keep an eye on the FEV.  And he’s healthier, by far, than anyone born to the wasteland, vault or not. 

There’s never been any question for him.  He doesn’t, under any circumstances, let a kid die.  If it costs him, it costs him.  He’s fine with that; he’s always been fine with that.  And he can admit, sure, it’s not fair.  Nothing about anything anymore is fair.  He’d love to have his cake and eat it, too.  He’d love for the world to go back to the way it was and never have to worry about another feral ghoul or deathclaw or raider again.  He’d love to go back to taking down arms dealers and international terror organizations.  He’d love to even - on a smaller, more down to earth and reasonable level - be able to say this is the last time I’m putting on the suit.  To say this is the last time I put my ass on the line for something bigger than me.  To settle down and tinker and never have to consider sacrificing himself again.  He’d honestly love that.

But it’s not him.  He can’t pretend something isn’t happening, and even if he can’t fight it, even if he knows he can’t win, he can’t leave it alone, he can’t turn a blind eye, he can’t ignore it and pretend it’s not happening.  He has to do what’s right by his own moral compass.

And it scares him a little.  It scares him a little every time he follows what he sees as the right thing to do - self-sacrificing or not - and has it put back at his feet like he’s done something wrong.  Like the moral imperative he’s been following since waking up in the cave in Afghanistan with a magnet in a hole in his chest and hooked up to a car battery is wrong.  Like every time he does what he considers right, and does what he can’t stop himself from doing even if he tries, he’s pushing the people he cares about further and further away, because it is reckless.  He’s aware it’s reckless.  He knows he puts himself at risk but…At the end of the day, he’s just one guy.  Sure, he’s got a brain made for this world, made for rebuilding, made for fixing, made for envisioning a better future.  But he’s still just one man, who lives under an umbrella of guilt of his own doing, because he should have been better to begin with.  And there’s no way for him to put that in words he can make anyone born to this world they have now understand.  It’s not the smart thing out here, following that compass, but it’s what he’s got.

At this point it’s literally all he knows.  He’s bent enough of his personal moral code that he can’t give that up, too.  He can’t let some kid die because Vault-Tec turned out to be shady as fuck, and their supposed safe havens for the nuclear apocalypse turned out to be anything but.

Most of all, he hates feeling scolded for trying to be a better person.

He says nothing for a long while - he needs to let it go and he knows that, fighting about it now is nothing but a fight to have one, it’s over, it’s done, he’s made his call and he couldn’t take it back now even if he wanted to, which he doesn’t - keeping his eyes focused ahead as his feet find the road to carry him back, eventually, to home.  Or what passes as close to home these days.  Because there’s nothing he can say to get the gist across of why.  Why he’d put himself at risk like that - and especially not explain the other, less savory bits of himself that he doesn’t know if and when he should talk about, if ever.  There’s nothing he can really articulate in any way that matters to make it less alien to someone that lives in this world the way most people have to.

What does he say, that he’s not afraid of death?  He’s not purposefully seeking it out, no, but when it comes he’s not going to cry about it.  He doesn’t even have the hope of an afterlife to fall back on, and he still won’t shy from it.  Does he say that if he doesn’t keep doing what he does the guilt will literally consume him?  That what keeps him awake at night has nothing to do with what he’s been forced to do in the wasteland to stay alive, but everything to do with all the times he’s failed, even when he’s tried to do the right thing?  That he reason he paces the floors late at night or disappears into the lab for days on end has nothing - nothing at all - to do with anything in the wasteland itself, and everything to do with his own shortcomings as a person.

He doesn’t think it will garner any sympathy from MacCready at all - and he doesn’t want any.  But he also doesn’t think that particular mode of thought will make any sense at all to a culture that’s become so centered on surviving they can’t understand what it’s like to actually live.

Because this isn’t living.  Not by a long shot.

“What do you want me say,” he finally says, probably long after the moment has passed, but for all he tries to tell himself not to kick that hornet’s nest, to let sleeping dogs lie and let it blow over, he can’t.  He can’t, because he can feel the disapproval.  And if he’s going to feel it, he might as well earn it.  “Huh?  What.  If you’re expecting me to say I’m sorry for not letting a kid die, you’re gonna be there a while.”

He can’t wrap his head around that, anyway.  MacCready?  He’s a fucking father; the father of a sick kid, no less.  Logically, to Tony, it makes no goddamn sense.  Sure, the wasteland’s rough, whatever, but when you have the option to do something like that, save a sick kid, you take it.  You take it and you don’t get mad about it, and you don’t regret it.

He should let it go there, but he can’t.  He can’t.  He spins around quickly, walking backward since the road is mostly undamaged and there’s a clear line of sight.  “Did you…Do you really expect me to live with that?  No, sorry, ma’am, I can’t give you this one of a kind fix it because gosh.  I might get yelled at even though I’m physically better off than anyone in this shithole outside of the popsicle from Vault 111 and have a much better chance than she does handling this.”

Bloodwork.  He’s going to need to do bloodwork.  Analyze.  See what can be done to at least contain it, if not eradicate it, if the FEV doesn’t do its job.

He spreads his hands, but it’s not a gesture of truce.  “What.  I did what I fucking did.  I had a judgment call to make and I fucking made it.  Hey, guess what.  I’ve lived through worse.  Do you think this just magically appeared one day?  I literally have a hole in my chest you can put your whole fist in.”

He taps the arc reactor shining through his shirt.

“I lived through a nuclear apocalypse.  A case of the sniffles is literally the least of my worries right now.  If you’re gonna throw a bitchfit, at least make it a bitchfit worth having?  Because this is a non-issue.”

fallout 4 starters : accepting : @gwinnetts  02/10

[tumblunni]

Me in the hospital: i cannot sleep for 24 hours, the slightest noise is blaring, i am perpetually anxiety adrenaline

As soon as i get home: has the best sleep of my life

I usually take an hour to get to sleep each night but i totally just curled up like a snail and dropped into dreamland instantly. And i woke up to a nice warm house cos the heating turned on while i was asleep, and now all the anesthetic is completely worn off so i feel energized and great! And my throat pain has eased up so thankfully i wont have to be liquids only for as long as i thought. I was all hyperactive and cooked a great fancy omelette and it tastes like heaven itself! Its so weird how stuff tastes slightly diffetent when its the first time youve been able to chew with the right side of your mouth in five years. I guess the tastebuds on the sides of your tongue are slightly different? When i eat everything now im gonna be rolling it all over my mouth like WOW ITS ALL SO NEW AGAIN! Will probably look nuts in the middle of mcdonalds with my cheeks puffed like a squirrel XD

Oh and this is also a great excuse to drink loads of chocolate milkshakes from my milkshake viking mug! I feel so energized with calcium and yums!! EVERYTHING TASTES SO NEWWWWWWW

Oh man i do feel a bit sleepy again now after just being up for a few hours tho. I have these good jaw pain specific medicines i have to take for the next two weeks til my followup appointment to check if theres any infection left. But man i feel SO ALIVE AGAIN im pretty sure all the rot is gone! It feels so wild having space in my mouth and not constant clenchy tightness. It actually hurts less recovering from the surgery than it did before, lol! I can feel all my teeth moving apart again and loosening up into normality and the gums healing up all their injuries and oh god i just love how they cleaned out all the broken parts of my teeth and capped them with these great replacements that look so real you'd never be able to tell! My smile looks not ugly!! My smile looks not ugly!! Aaaaa! I just expected regaining the right side of my mouth, i didbt expect to e like "holy shit it must have hurt even more than i realized cos this feels so amazing now". Like i guess i got used to putting up with it and forgot how it felt to not have painmouth? Underestimated how good a teeth can be! And man i never asked for reconstructive cosmetic stuff too but they did these caps and aaa my teeth never looked his good even when they were new!! My front teeth were always crooked even before they did the weird balogna slam together and shattered into a pile of crap. And now they look like perfect supermodel teeth!! The only side effect is that its a lil hard to get used to the lack of gaps between them now after so long dealing with the shattered mess. My tongue keeps being like "oh no did something get stuck in the gaps again oh wait there arent any" and then i subconsciously try to clean them after taking every bite and just bite my tongue instead. Man i never noticed i picked up a bunch of weird mannerismd cos of tje bad teeth! I was constantly paranoidly checking my mouth 24/7 in case the slightest thing made it even worse, and eating super gently so that nothing accidentally touched the Wrong Tooth and set off a jolt of pain. And i actually needed to get a filling put in on the leftmost back tooth that was the ONLY TOOTH I COULD USE TO EAT WITHOUT PAIN for all this time! Overuse of it meant that it got ground down a little and probably would have become painful too if i'd left it any longer. Then i really would have been all soups all the time and that sucks!! Soups are good but nothing but then gives u stomach issues. The bad poops!!

Man sorry im rambling so much im just so hyper and happy and also still kinda dopily sleepy! Im not still delirious or anything i just feel the happy kind of sleepy where the anesthetic is all gone and its not "oh god i cant stay awake" and more natural sleepyness of a long day being over and everything being okay. I had such a good long nap and i feel well rested after getting so little sleep beforehand due to all the dumb anxiety. And i still feel dozey but happy doze~

Anyway its awesometo be able to really chug and crunch a foods! With the other side of my mouth i forgot about! And taste milkshake to its fullest extent!! Oh and whats weird is that the reconstructive surgery capping on my front teeth means that theyre kinda one tooth now? The caps are all linked in a single piece to fill the gaps fully without even the natural ones you'd have on healthy teeth. So its like a solid tooth guard just sculpted to look like three teeth. Itll be tricky to train myself out of thts subconcious rubbing the gaps with my tongue when theyre not even there. But i expect once i get over the unfamiliarity this triple cap will be really useful! Theyre totes reinforced so that even if i do get tight mouth problems again and the front teeth take the brunt of the pressure, now theres no gaps to smash into each other and become a painful mess. Its like scaffolding reinforcing my whole mouth by fixing the loadbearing beam, or something.

Oh also these pain meds make u a little bit more sleepy than normal paracetamol so i'll probably doze off again soon. But hopefully i will have slept off most of the "healing debt exhaustion" tomorrow and will be able to go walk down the shops and buy some icecream and other soft food. I mostly stocked up on purely liquid food cos i tjought my mouth function would be more limited. But honestly the teeth are working so much better than before, they were already so swollen and painful that i couldnt crunch stuff! Now the mild discomfort of mid-healing from surgery feels like barely anything and i bet i could bite thru a goddamn rock right now! I just cant really swallow crunchy stuff or stuff thats too salty or citrusy. I didnt even know about the stabbity throat pipe so i didnt expect it to be the most painful part that takes the longest to heal. It feels so weird cos i keep coughing like my brain thinks theres phelgm stuck in my throat when its actually a skin flap/blister from the insertion. So obviously that aint going anywhere and i have to try and force myself not to cough or swallow or else i set off this cjain of "must get thing out of throat must puke" reflex. And the pain feels like a sore throat but it isnt?? Its not really inflamed ot anything its just an actual friction burn on the opening of my airway. Which is not a common occurance so the brain is justvlike "what the fuck is happening, must send all contradicting signals at once!" So sore throat medicine wont work cos that goes down your throat passage to your stomach when really this lil skin tag blister thing is in the lung throat opening thing. And sucking on throat sweets made it worse cos all the muscles were really tense around the area where the tube was inserted, hence why it was hard to swallow food even tho it was my windpipe that hurt. And sucking on something is kinda like perpetually swallowing nothing, when you think about it? Im glad that the muscle tenseness is mostly gone now and the painkillers are helping with the ouch, and my brainis getting usedto not coughing and making it worse. But still should eat soft easily swallowable stuff for a lil while and it'll be fun to go aroundthe shops with my last pocketful of change and find neat ingredients to stick in omelettes. Im so excited to taste all my favourite things in new HD functional mouth power!!! And i can smile at the shopkeeper!!!

And oh man i really do think that my sleeping problems with stiff neck and that kind of 'bloodrush to the head' migraine were indeed part of the bad wisdom teeth bleeding internally under the gum. I thought it had to be that cos nothing else in my life changed around that time aside from getting a better and healthier bed which should have been beneficial to my neck. And even going back to sleepong on the floor like before didnt make a difference so it definately wasnt the bed! And it kept getting worse while nothing was changing, and i kept trying different things like changing my pillows and headphones and cutting caffeine out of my diet and eating more salt and eating less salt and fuckin ANYTHING ELSE cos i knew if it really was the dumb tooth being infected then there was nothong i could do about it til my surgery day arrived. Itd be such a relief to know for sure that it was indeed the tooth and now that nonsense is gonna be gone forever! But also thats really worrying to know that it was getting so bad it could have spread an infection to my jawbone and the top of my spine if itd been left much longer. I kept sneezing up blood lumps like the size of a fifty pence piece! Had never had nosebleeds for a decade and now suddenly all the time! God it feels so good to be able to lay my head down and not feel all woozy and tense im the forehead or neck. I really hope this good neck untenseness continues and the awful aches really were just the tooth. But everyone in the hospital was so nice that i think even if i do need a second surgery to check for jaw infection then id be able to be less nervoud than i was this time

Man do u ever get that thing where youre so peaceful and contented that like you can breathe easier? Like subconciously taking bigger breaths and the middle of your chest feels slightly puffed out and warm. I guess thats what the "heart leaping in yout chest" idiom is meant to refer to, lol! Or maybe i can just literally breathe easier cos the tooth pain might have been passing into my nasal cavity too, lol. My entire head feels so less tense!! Its like all my bones were rebelling against me and now they're at peace again!! Man i feel so giddy happy like i chugged a giant energy drink or something but its the opposite its a good sleeps drink XD

So im gonna go lie down again and have a relax and watch a movie or something and see if i pass out when the medicine kicks in, or if its not too bad and i can still continue my hyper mood. But my nap was so long that its too late to go to the shops now anyway so i'll just make more plain omelette and milkshake if i get hungry. I mean it doesnt taste plain when all my sense of taste is so amplified likethis! I dont mind if its all i can eat all week. PURE MILKSHAKEY DECADENCE

Aaaaa im just so happy!! I missed my chance to get the new. Kingdlm hearts but ive beenwaiting fkr this surgery for ages too and it feels like just as much of an exciting relief!

[eldritchsurveys]

o82.

[[ Random Survey Questions // By @x-hallie-x ]] 1. When was the last time you just wanted to be alone? What about the last time you really wanted to be around people? >> I don’t remember the last time I wanted either of these things consciously... like, they might be vague thoughts or feelings floating around in my headspace, but I don’t always focus on them. Also, I’m never alone, technically, so I guess there’s that.

2. Have you ever gone somewhere in your pajamas? What makes this acceptable or unacceptable to you? >> Yeah, sure, I used to walk to bodegas and shit in NYC in pajamas quite often. There’s really no point in changing if I’m just walking down the street to get a 40 or a sandwich, like... Also, the only dress requirement for leaving the house in a casual sense is to just be decent -- bits covered, you know. The idea that one must wear a certain kind of clothing in order to be seen outside of one’s domicile isn’t necessarily true. (Now, if I were going to a specific venue that did have a specific mode of dress -- a certain kind of event, say, or a government office, or something, then yes, I would wear the appropriate clothing. But like, no one in your local corner store cares how the fuck you’re dressed as long as you’re dressed.)

3. Other than the usual things like IDs, etc, what do you always carry with you when you go out? >> The only things that are always present with me when I leave the house, no matter where I’m going, are the standard PKW (phone, keys, wallet) and my lip balm. (If it’s daytime, then also sunglasses.)

4. If you were to go on a picnic, what type of setting would you prefer, what types of food would you bring, and would you bring anyone along with you? >> Honestly, anywhere somewhat nature-y is good as far as location is concerned, even if it’s just a municipal park or a place like Union Square (which isn’t a park so much as it’s a... like, town-square kind of construct). I guess the food I’d bring would just be anything portable and easy to eat without needing a table (sandwiches are always good, of course, but even something like a plate from the hot-food spread at Whole Foods is good, I’ve picnicked with that). A lot of my outdoor eating escapades have been alone, so like, it doesn’t matter who’s with me, I guess. Anyone who wants to come.

5. What is one song you feel as though you sing particularly well, if any? >> Guaranteed by Eddie Vedder. I think Eddie and I have a lot of vocal similarities. Which is good, because I love him and his voice. :p

6. Have you ever kept a mood chart or anything like that? Did it help you pick up any useful patterns in your moods? >> I’ve never tried to keep a chart of them, no, especially since I’m not sure what half of my feelings even are, when I do have them.

7. What was the last lengthy task you completed? >> The survey I took yesterday. :p

8. Do you look toward the future or focus more on the here and now? Are you good at being in the moment, or do you always feel drawn to worrying about other things? >> I do a lot better when I only have the present to focus on. It kinda glitches me to think about the future too much, not because of anxiety or anything, but just because it kind of doesn’t make sense to me. I can think about the future in entirely abstract terms, like for the sake of argument or flights of fancy, but not in any concrete sense. It is the greatest great unknown, and I’ve never had any success trying to manipulate it or understand myself through it. I don’t know what I’m going to be doing (or who I will be) in the next hour, and people want me to think about months and years into the future?! Wild. I also think that the way I’ve lived the past decade-plus before moving here made thinking about the future really difficult for me, because I was really living from day to day. When I’m concerned about where I’m going to sleep from night to night, planning for a future seems like a luxury rather than a fact of life. But also, I guess... I just like to focus on what I’m doing right now. I like to be present here. I have a pretty deep-set confidence that the future will take care of itself as long as I take care of the present, but if I focus too much on the future then I will have missed the plot entirely. I feel more secure when I focus on the present. It is the only point in time in which I truly exist.

9. What does it mean to you to have empathy? Do you think you’re an empathetic person? >> I’m not really sure what empathy means anymore, to be honest. I definitely don’t consider myself an empathetic person, by any of the definitions that I’ve heard. I think I can empathise with fictional characters, because I’m a storyteller and jumping into the heads of characters is kind of integral to telling honest stories... but actual people in front of me, not so much. (Characters are a lot less complex by design, anyway. Kind of like the difference between Sims and people -- Sims’ needs and motivations are pretty obvious and predictable, whereas people are... wild cards, a lot of the time.)

10. What was the last thing you did that was particularly selfish? What about selfLESS? >> I’m really not sure. 

11. What is something about your life that is currently beyond your control? >> The weather, lmao. I’m watching it get real cloudy real fast and I’m like “but... I want the sun... :(” The weather don’t care what I want. ... Annnnnd it just started raining. Pfft.

12. What is one small thing you could do to change about your life for the better? >> Eating healthier is always the top option. I mean, I don’t eat badly or anything, it’s just that there’s always improvement to be made in that area. But I also understand that obsessing over my consumption is actually just as counterproductive, so I try not to make a big deal out of it, and just enjoy what I’m eating. We all gotta die of something anyway, I guess. It might as well taste good, or else what is really even the point.

13. What type of photography do you enjoy looking at? Do you take any photos yourself, and if so, what types of things do you prefer to photograph? >> I like urban photography -- not necessarily shiny cityscapes, but more like... street-level urban, like of old abandoned buildings and back alleys and people sitting on stoops and just city life. I like various landscapes, especially deserts/tundras, and marshes and complex ecosystems. And I like photography that evokes certain Moods(tm), whether it be because of the content or because of the lighting or the framing or... whatever. It’s definitely that “I know it when I see it” kind of thing. I don’t really take photos of anything except myself and random things I want to show people, I guess.

14. Have you ever gone out for the black friday shopping rush? Did you enjoy it, or not so much? Or, what’s the busiest shopping day you’ve ever experienced? >> I have never been shopping on Black Friday, but I have been just out and about while it was happening. I don’t really care for that kind of thing -- I like the sales and stuff, but I don’t like the mad rush. It just makes me feel kinda... alienated, like, in a “this is what life is?” kind of way. Just a deeply personal feeling, nothing against the whole concept.

15. Do you enjoy reading diaries or stories you wrote from when you were younger, or does it embarrass you? If you’ve kept them, was there a particular reason for hanging on to them so long? >> I do enjoy reading those things, and I wish I had more of them, but the ones that were on paper have been lost for a long time and a lot of the internet sites I used in the beginning are no longer active and the content has been lost (or I can’t find it anymore). My old deviantART accounts are pretty much the oldest content of mine that still exists on the internet in a form that I can access, and although a lot of that stuff is definitely amusing, I can’t imagine finding it embarrassing. 

16. What would you say was your first true hobby? What about your most recently developed one? >> Drawing, maybe? I don’t know. My most recently developed one is probably MMO gaming.

17. Is there one thing that throws off your mood more than others, whether it be lack of sleep, lack of food, heat // cold, etc? & when was the last time you felt especially cranky? >> I’m not sure, since keeping track of my moods isn’t something I really do with any success or skill. Maybe sensory overload -- that’s always a reliable mood-tanker, and a lot of my inexplicable moodiness/mental exhaustion can probably be attributed to just being overloaded. The last time I felt cranky was last evening, and I’m not sure why, but it probably had something to do with being frustrated about Dragon Age Inquisition being broken and then like... some low-grade dissatisfaction with life or something. Nothing worth making a mountain out of.

18. What are some ways you deal with stress? Are these healthy or helpful to you? >> Distraction is usually my method. Playing video games, watching tv or youtube, slam-dunking myself into a pile of plushies, making origami stars and listening to music, that sort of thing. And yeah, I think distracting myself from stress is pretty healthy for me, since it lowers the cortisol and enables me to approach whatever is stressing me out later on without the heightened emotional response. (Although, also, a fair amount of my stress isn’t based on anything that’s solvable or like... worth even giving attention, so the distraction enables me to refocus my energies onto something actually worth doing, so then later I can just be like “lmao that wasn’t even a big deal” and go on with my life.)

19. What advice, if any, would you give someone else in your situation? >> I’m not sure what situation I’m in, lmao.

20. In general, are you the type to feel comfortable giving advice? Has anyone ever come to you for advice and you had no idea what to tell them? >> I feel comfortable giving it if it’s an area I feel experienced or skilled in. Otherwise I’ll just flat-out say that I don’t have any advice, or point them to someone that might.

21. What is one common area of life in which you feel you have little to no experience (college, children, marriage, etc)? >> Definitely college, I can’t even... like, fathom college. What is college even like??? All I have to go by is movies and shit, lmao. I’ve not been married yet, so that’ll be a new experience (although I strongly suspect it won’t be too much different from being unmarried, aside from getting accustomed to using a different set of words to describe my relationship). I have no experience in not being poor, since I’ve never not been poor. This is the most not-poor I’ve felt, but like, that’s not because of anything that’s changed in my personal finances. I just live in a cooperative household.

22. What kinds of things are you likely to complain about? >> I don’t know, really. I don’t do a whole lot of complaining unless it’s a quick vent and then I move on (or unless someone I’m talking to is bitching about something and I’m like “OMG SAME” and we have a little bitchfest lmao). I don’t really like to focus on stuff like that.

23. Besides money, what is something you would like to have more of in your life? >> Meatspace socialisation.

24. What types of blogs do you like to follow? If you have a tumblr, how has your blogging style changed over the years, if at all? >> I follow over 900 blogs, I don’t even know what my “type” is. I just follow whatever looks good at the time, and then unfollow if I get bored of the content or whatever. I think my blogging style has changed in the sense that I’m not as... talkative? I used to make a lot more text posts on my personal and then I kind of just... stopped. I’m trying to get back into it lately, varying up my content, appearing more like a person instead of just a reblog bot.

25. Do you like to put any extra effort into your food in terms of presentation, or do you prefer to just put it on a plate and eat it as it is, no frills? >> I don’t, because I... I don’t know, executive dysfunction, I guess. Also, like... I don’t have the stuff I want, like the kind of dishes I like, etc, and the kitchen is small and disorganised and usually I just want to get out of it as quickly as possible and yeah, I can’t be bothered with making my food look nice when I can barely be bothered with making food, period. I do like presentation and all of that, I think it’s great and definitely adds to the joy of eating. It’s just... not something I can do right now.

26. When was the last time you were mean or rude to someone else? How about the last time someone acted that way toward you? >> I don’t remember. I don’t think I’m especially rude in general, I’m just straightforward and I think people prefer sweeter tones or whatever. I’d rather put my social energy into saying what I mean rather than saying it in a way that makes everyone feel warm and fuzzy, or whatever, I don’t know. It’s just not a priority of mine to sound “nice”. It’s never been. I don’t remember the last time someone was rude to me, mostly because I forget shit like that really easily. It’s low on the importance scale.

27. What kinds of things are most likely to make you lose your temper? Have you ever done something regrettable or embarrassing while angry? >> It’s really hard to get me to lose my temper completely, which is good, because I already give an aggressive impression -- imagine what it’s like when I’m actually feeling aggressive. I’ve definitely done things that I would rather not have done when I’m angry, which is another reason why it’s good I don’t get angry often.

28. What has stood out about this day in particular? Has this day been an average day in terms of what you usually experience? >> Well, it’s still only 11a. That random two-minute rain was interesting (it’s now partly-cloudy again), but that’s it so far, really. This is a pretty average day.

29. How would you describe your current mood? Do you experience a lot of highs and lows or are your moods relatively stable? What is the most your mood has changed in a day? >> My mood is my normal baseline, which is... no mood. Like, I really don’t have a mood most of the day, unless something specific happens to change it. I kind of exist in a comfortable greyness most of the time, with little spikes here and there.

30. Do you remember what it was that got you into taking surveys in the first place, or why you initially decided to stick with them? Where did you originally start out taking surveys? Are there any blogs you recommend (lol, I’m always looking for more surveys!)? >> Man, I have noooo idea. It was over 10 years ago by now, so surveys really just feel like a permanent fixture in my life. I think I first took them on MySpace? That seems likely. And I’m in the same boat as you, I think, lmao -- I just take the ones in the tag or on LJ or whatever the “random” function on Bzoink gives me that isn’t terrible (there are so many bad surveys on that site lmfao).