#id like to believe that it didnt happen but we cant prove that

[greensupremetangerine]

PSA that harassing, bullying, and kicking a person out of a fandom is toxic behavior. A difference in opinions does not warrant anonymous hate, and claiming it wasnt that bad and there's no proof because they didn't post the hate doesn't retract the fact that something happened to make them deactivate their account.

Fandoms are supposed to be places of community, enjoyment, and celebration of a mutually liked piece of media. There isn't room for hate, because the concept of a fandom does not naturally account for it.

If someone says something you dont like, it does not give you the right or responsibility to "put them in their place" or "teach them what's right" or whatever. A person is allowed to have their own thoughts and opinions. You can retort, discuss, disagree, hell you can even block them, but for the love of god don't single them out and make them a villain. It doesn't automatically make you the right side if they stop talking.

Also, the anonymous button isn't for keeping the blame off yourself. It's not for sending a dozen death threats while still looking pretty and proper on your blog. The person recieving anons has no way to disengage from the conversation. They cannot block, the best they can do is disable anons and stop the kind, shy people from asking silly questions or hope you give up and stop. The last resort is completely deleting your account, and again, its not a sign of your victory, it's a sign of the fandom' loss, and it is a sign that you are the vicious aggressor.

If youre struggling to stop doing these things, by no means am I a saint or a therapist, but removing yourself from the situation and letting yourself breathe, even for a moment, will probably help a lot with your relationships and mental health. I'm a believer that people can change and it is in human nature to do so, even if it's hard. It's a conscious decision to be a good person (I'm not calling you evil) and being a kind person is fulfilling in amazing ways.

tl;dr don't harass people :( it doesn't give you the high ground and it makes the fandom a worse place.

[brideofbriar]

since glomas is coming up id like to say somethings specifically abt rollo

him hating mages is not racist as mages may be low in population but they're not a minority group as they usually hold high places in the world. faes on the other hand are a minority as they're discriminated against. rollo hates magic nd its users, not faes.

but he is also implied to hate fae. by his logic a person js a sinner only if they activly use magic, which means he has nothing against faes that don't use magic. except faes need maic to live nd so far we havent gotten any info abt faes who dont use magic so this point is debatable.

the only reason why people think that he is racist becuz he is twisted from frollo, a racist priest who has committed ethnic cleansing nd becuz twisted wonderland's writing is twisted wonderland's writing (aka not the best).

he can get redeemed if he faces judgement, punishment nd consequences for his actions nd truly grows as a person. also he should learn that the death of his brother was no one's fault nd that he cant discriminate against people becuz of an accident nd that his trauma doesn't excuse his actions. but knowing twst this probs wont happen.

edit:: i forgot to add this but he wants to wipe magic out completely which means wiping out faes nd fairys but the way he is presented shows that he isnt thinking of the consequences of his actions nd only the "positive" outcome, which makes sense considering he is eighteen.

also another thing that confuses me is that his thinking is not explained well because why would a teenager's first thought after loosing his younger be to exterminate magic? that makes no sense unless it was to get rid of the self blame or influenced by a third party. maybe if we get chapters abt rsa nd nbc after b7 it could be expanded on.

also also, rollo himself is a mage that hates magic, which is similar to sebek who is a half fae that hates humans. not completely the same as faes r a minority nd mages arent but both half internal conflict abt who theyre which causes them to have negative feelings abt that part of them. (idk if i explained this well)

also also also, in twst there is this whole parallel between that characters nd the villians theyre based one. the villians r evil while the twst charas r js traumatised teens with reason behind their behaviour, with rollo's reason is that HE believes that wiping out magic is for the best. we dont know anything bout rollo's parents so they might not be around or maybe theyre the ones who put this idea in his head.

another thing that people tend to forget is that rollo is 18. he was younger than that when his brother died nd no one ever tried to tell him that his thoughts r bad. blaming him for his trauma induced thoughts that were never shut down is not rlly the best thing to do. do i realise he is fictional? yes. but this is something many teen go through including myself. not the attempted genocide but still.

again js like in nrc, no one in nbc ever picked up on his behaviour nd tried to talk to him or stop (at this point bruv js blame the adults). crowley never picked on the struggles of his students until they overblot and the head of nbc didnt pick up on rollo's behaviour.

does this mean he is a saint. nah literally the opposite. nd to prove that imma list down all the things he did.

attempted murder

tried to kill the prince of brair valley which could cause a war

discrimination

generally a bad person with a bad attitude (nd a bad haircut)

plotted against malleus simply because he is one of the strongest mages

endangered innocent students

arson

attempting to justify his actions

nd even after all of that he got no punishment. at least he shouldve been expelled. at worst? probably jail or a mental hospital.

does this mean u cant hate him? nope. does this mean u cant like him? also no. do as u like, im js trynna educate. plz dont try to kill me 🙏 nd for the love of god js stop arguing.

[lokiified]

rant piece

i made the wrong fucking choice i actually cant believe it, i was so focused on proving my parents wrong that i convinced myself it would never work with you and now im regretting so badly. i focused on the attention he was giving me but really he never did anything for me like you did, we went on three damn dates in a day, you flew across the country to come see me, you let me pick any book at coles as an early birthday present, you tried to give me everything but i wanted my parents to be wrong so badly that i ignored it for him and he was new and cute and he seemed to like me and you literally told me you didnt have feelings for me why did you do that i probably wouldve chosen you if i knew you felt the same way.

i found the pin i got at the museum with you. i found the pictures i took of you in the weird red room with all the lizards in it. ive been thinking about the used book store a lot lately. i was talking to a friend who i thought i had feelings for and we started talking about book stores and i was struck with an inconsolable sadness at the memories of being there with you for hours, trying to find the right books.

i found the videos and pictures from the mock prom, how well you got along with my friends and how you looked in your suit, how excited you were for that night

i remember how angry your mother was when i chose him over you and i thought she was crazy at the time but she was right, i made the stupidest decision of my life when i picked him.

you came to a baseball game with my family and you dont even like baseball for fucks sake, an hour ride 3 hour game and hour ride back who would do that if they didnt have fucking feelings for someone.

i had to spend an hour and a half sitting in a hotel hallway trying to calm down his anxiety about my relationship with you while you tried to give me everything and lied to my face that you had a girlfriend just to try and protect my feelings.

why did you have to go and say you didn't have any feelings for me when i told you that day.

and now youre in your 20s and you have a girlfriend and youre probably gonna get married and im gonna regret it for what feels like forever.

i made the wrong choice and i dont know what to do

i cant tell my parents and i cant tell you because youre probably gonna marry her and you talked to me about her like shes the best person in the whole world so yeah im definitely not, you live on the other side of the country so ill probably never see you again so yeah i blew it.

you made a playlist for me of all kinds of songs you liked and 80% of them were love songs and i thought it was nothing when EVERYTHING you were doing and saying pointed to having some kinds of feelings for me but i dumped it all for him because i was scared of my parents saying they told me so.

and i certainly cant tell him because what the hell is he gonna say, im sorry you decided to waste a year on me while your real love was off making a life for himself?

i dont even know if i love you i just know that i missed out on something good just because i was scared

i convinced myself you were too much like david, that you werent even cute, excuses upon excuses when really i was just scared and i felt like he was the safer choice because there would be so much less people disappointed if it went south

for gods sake he wouldnt even dance with me at prom and now all i can think about is dancing with you at that mock prom that i thought was so stupid, i ruined all my mom's planning and probably shattered all your hopes for the night, i wish id worn my prom dress and let it happen because obviously it was supposed to

[kusundei]

its just everything is . attached w a sort of guilt. a doubt. i could probably work through it like i did in the beginning but this is also just incredibly different. because there was no reason for me to be so doubtful then. it truly was just a self hatred and it went away as easily as it did then because of how we were moving and i didnt even really have anything to condemn myself over. now i do. i really really do. i can shake off the feeling momentarily but it just keeps coming back and i mean its okay? im supposed to feel like this i just. truly am just hoping jt doesnt stick to me forever. i just feel too selfish if i get over it now and this quickly. of course i’ll always sort of be repenting over jt but j dont want him to think that i think everything is okay bdcause im acting normal. because jt rlly isnt okay and im not giving myself the benefit of the doubt. id just rather do everything in my power to make it better for him. i would truly do anything and give up anything for the sake of him and i think this has also just festered some old ideals of mine. trying to remain less self sacrificial as i did before and less overbearing and desperate and burdening but its all sort of just coming back to me. that i truly have taken hundreds of steps back from where i was before. ir isnt even an issue within the relationship entirely - like i know . i knowww what i did and yeah it did change something for us and holy fuck do i feel horrible about it because j hate. hatehatehate change especially change that takes me back to a worse position but its just an issue within myself where i. failed again. i try sososo hard each time to be different. to change something , to be as small as possible , as helpful as possible , to help and not to hurt but god forbid. hurt people hurt people? but even then that saying doesnt help me at all. nothing really lessens the blow if you truly consider it because it is just all the same and im just learning to acknowledge my faults without trying to sugarcoat it

i dont know. i just. really really hate myself. but its not like this is a new feeling? its just worse because its related to the fact that i hurt the one person i never wanted to hurt but jts always like that isnt it? i will always. find a way. to hurt someone. because unfortunately at my core thats just kind of who i am. i can try as hard as i want to prove to other people and to myself that im not the way that i am but deep down i do still acknowledge it. the reason why id always rather hurt myself over and over again because why should it be at the cost of others? and even now ive just done it again. again again and again. but no what cycle? there is no cycle? surely? im just perpetuating something that isnt true. hell and w my doubts as well i mean like im . realistic. i know he probably does still mean it its just the fact that its probably less is whats bad. but then again of course that was bound to happen? its just upsetting. i just feel so hypocritical. whenever he says things like that i so desperately want to believe him like i did before but i just cant get over myself and jts honestly sickening. i mean i just. idk. its happening exactly how i said earlier how if im alone too long i’ll just start thinking ab it again but im trying to remember today as well. i felt better after a while. could look him in the eyes again. felt sorta okay and better ab touching him and being physical i suppose. started talking more and was joking w him and being. normal. its just at moments during that id think about it again and be like? who am i? why am i being normal again? but i kept just trying to ignore jt. sorta just a refusing tk let myself think before i do anything which is honestly the same thing as me being delirious and preferring it that way i judt wish i could get it all to stop or something. idk im just running in circles. i just feel so. bittersweet. looking at things still. that i miss him and that i wish he was here and i want to be around him all the time and talk to him and etcetcetc. i truly ammm just. not letting myself get over it because im being stubborn but i also still just feel condemned. of course not by him jusr truly by myself? idk i jusf. im normal. but who am i. ? i still probably wont let myself be. myself. for a bit. just feels like too much. even in private i do feel guilty just looking at things. being like ohhh my boyfriend ^_^ like. god. i still have a boyfriend? but thats too condemning im. getting that ache again. idk ive flung the hoodie to the other side of the bed because i still feel too bad about it. wont go through my photo gallery wont sleep to his voice till i am. more deserving. i suppose. till i know for sure its okay and i condemn myself a little less

iiiii. am. normal. i mean? as normal as i’ll ever be.? its just like. yeah no i feel better sort of but thats also the bad part. oh bcuz who am i.? im trying again not to condemn myself over it but i cant exactly help feeling bad whenever iiii feel okay again. who am i to be normal??? to act like everything js okay and nothing happened?? its just. incredibly selfish. half the reason i keep just kind of distracting myself is because if i am alone for too long j will start thinking about it and i’ll be evil but isnt that whats supposed to be happening anyway? im not relinquished of anything. he can be as kind and sweet as he wants because he truly is just at his core but he is. way too kind to me when i am so incredibly undeserving.

ive always sort of felt undeserving of everything regarding him but i chose to look past it because i am better. i am a good person i am okay and i can be better and im not condemned to my past but idk. this just reminds me that no i am still selfish and i am still not . really a good person. it really has just kind of brought the attachment style and allll my doubts back into the forefront of my mind ljke it was before. like when we first started dating and i was horrified. didnt believe anything he said really but i worked through it its just like? why am i doubting him now? i was the one who hurt him so why is it making me? falter?

i mean im just asking a rhetorical question because i know. iiii always know. its just that i truly dont believe he means any of it anymore because j huuurt him. the one thing thats always sort of bothered me is when he deemed me perfect, which is such a nice and flattering sentiment but i think it weighed down pn me this feeling that i HAD to be perfect when i knew deep down i had already made such a bad mistake. which is why it was so scary? i knew how he was going to take jt and j tried to just accept it and work through it and j AM. i am i am i am but i keep going back and forth on how i want to deal with this. do i keep acting like im okay and everything is okay and live like that? because it would work and it would probably help him so much more than me focusing on how much i hate myself now but i just feel. horrible if i do do that. but is that me self sabotaging again by truly preferring to condemn myself and let this kill me? like it did last time?

i dont know. again it kind of has just reminded me of last time. but the issue with this compared to how it was with jd is that that issue w jd happened about a year and a half into our relationship and the worst part? it ruined it. it festered there and grew more and more till it killed both me and her because it stuck. ajax and i arent even at 2 months yet and jve already? done? something? that detrimental? its just like. i need to change something. find something. DO something different. because i know what i did with jd last time and jm trying not to repeat a cycle. i’ll be different ill try ill do everything i can because iii cant. as selfish as it is i cant let. this . go. i cant let HIM go either and j feel horrible about it again but i just i dont know

its just so weird because. its all came back. and its so unhelpful. because i KNOW hes still going through it and he doesnt believe me and things r just different but why is it also different for me? i should just be focused on him. doing the most i can to make him feel better and really emphasize that nothing has changed in me especially regarding how much i love him. its just i also keep just feeling. so. so guilty. it comes and goes in waves again. it truly is just the fact that hes right. because if i do love you this much then why would i do that to you? why did i do that? and my only answer is just that i am selfish. because i didnt know how to keep my mouth shut and i made such a personal thing out to be just another thing i could just say because iiiii trust them. but HE doesnt know them. j told her for what? because i needed her to know? she didnt need to know that. even if i was as shocked as i was and still processing it and wanted to talk about it i shouldve kept it to myself and processed it silently. instead i put him last and ignored the matter of fact that this would affect him badly just because iiiiii wanted to talk about it . i was selfish and put myself before him and this always happens when i do so. truly why dont i ever learn? what is wrong with me?? i keep kind of forgetting about it all and then it comes back. then goes then leaves. what sucks is truly that . im so doubtful again. its not that i dont trust him and i dont believe him its just that i hate myself. i hate myself all over again and its making me unable to believe that i deserve any of this AGAIN. that no. hes lying to me. he doesnt mean it hes just saying that? ive hurt him too much . because theres no way he just has no negative feelings toward me when i was the one who did that. and let alone if he IS telling the truth then thats worse because why am i spared? why am i given the benefit of the doubt when he has vocalized that if it was anyone else he wouldve hated them? so why is jt different for me? you SHOULD hate me. thats the problem.

[rydeszegras]

hospitals make miracles - r.donovan

hi guys ! this is my first fic and its not good whatsoever but figured id give it a shot haha, hope you enjoy !

wc: 1,623

warnings: minor swearing, mentions of injuries

-

you were a senior at andover high school on a roadie up to your annual trip in duluth. youve been taking this trip since your freshman year as you were one of the first players to ever make varsity as a freshman. that being said, this was your year, this was the year you had to show out. being named captain this season not only did you have to step up and lead the team, but you also had to focus on your game as it was your year to get scouted. you’d been looked at by minnesota-duluth, boston college, and minnesota, but all you wanted was to go to wisconsin, and this was your year to make it happen.

“y/n/n, are you ready to see all the hot duluth boys this weekend? i heard their varsity team plays at the same time of us and they have the wisco hot shot ryder donovan.” lilly said bouncing up and down in the seat next to you. you and lilly had been best friends ever since you met eachother at little wild camp 12 years ago. “y/n are you even listening”, “oh yeah sorry lil, just thinking about this weekend, did you know wisconsin scouts are gonna be there, i dont know if i can do this lil, i cant mess up, my future relies on this weekend” you exclaimed, trying not to freak out. “y/n/n you’ll be great i promise, but we should get some rest, weve still got 1.5 hours left and we’ve got a big game against east tonight.” you nod your head in agreement, dozing off into a deep sleep.

after an hour and a half of driving you arrive at the rink, getting up you fix your hair and adjust your sweats and parka and get ready to go grab your bag. after grabbing your bag, you start to head into the rink when you hear lil and ken start screaming, turning your head you see what all the fuss is about. and there he is. standing right before your eyes. ryder donovan. you’ve seen him in pictures as you followed him and some of his friends on instagram, but wow he was even prettier in person.

stumbling into the rink you make your way into the locker room gearing up to take the ice for warmups at duluth heritage. stepping onto the ice you complete your typical warmup of one-timers, slaps, and some stretching before noticing two big things in the stands. wisconsins top scout, and wisconsins top recruit, ryder. you didnt like it, but you just couldnt take your eyes off him.

the game begins and you take the ice playing your heart out making a clean goal through the five hole and racking in two more assists. after taking the ice to begin the last 20 mins of play, you get ready to take the faceoff for the third period. you win the faceoff clean and go to prepare to set yourself up to take a one-timer on the net. thats when tragedy strikes, when bringing your stick back to recieve the one-timer, before you know it you’re slammed into the boards on a cross check. tumbling down you hear a snap, a snap so loud that you watch the scout and ryder jump to their feet. as the athletic trainer scrambles to try and get you off the ice, you’re taken off the ice on a stretcher as you cant seem to put any weight on your right leg.

on the way to the hospital all you can think is why me, why now, why today. knowing it was probably your acl, you knew you were done for the season, that was it, it was over. scrolling through your twitter you saw your team won 5-2, which put your team in an excellent spot to start the season.

you arrived at the hospital and settled into your bed when a quite familiar but unfamiliar face walked into your toom. left speechless you see the 6’3 brunette standing in your doorway. “hey im ryder, i know you probably dont know me but i know you, you’re all the wisconsin scout has talked about for the past year and as im committed there i knew i had to see what the girls team is gonna have to offer and let me tell you, you looked incredible out there” ryder says shakily, messing with his fingers. you thank ryder and invite him into your room to sit on the chair. “trust me ryder i know you, youre all the girls have talked about after finding out that we played east this season, and youre committed to my dream school so theres that too, but theres no way the wisconsin scout wants anything to do with me, especially now that i have a double torn acl” you said, pointing down at your stitched up and wrapped knee, trying not to cry.

the next day, lil picked you up to bring you back to your hotel. on the car ride there you told her about everything that happened last night but when telling her you felt you sounded crazy, theres no way that thee ryder donovan went to visit YOU at the hospital and there’s absolutely no way that the wisconsin scout actually liked you. that was until you saw the instagram notification pop up on your screen... rydesdono would like to send you a message. you were shocked, theres no way that actually happened, but you opened the dm anyways to see what there was to say.

-

ryder donovan:

hey cutie, i never got your number last night and i was hoping we could catch up a little bit sometime if you feel up to it, i know with your knee it might not be easy, but i figured i would ask:)

you sat speechless. theres no way last night absolutely happened and there was absolutely no way he just called you “cutie”, but of course youre gonna meet up with ryder, no matter how much work it is

-

you:

hey rydes! id love to meet up with you again ! heres my number 952-***-****

-

thinking he might not actually text you because thats what hockey boys do, but sure enough you were proved wrong

-

maybe: ryder

hey y/n its ryder, pick you up at 6?

you:

absolutely, cant promise it’ll be easy with my knee and all, but i’ll make it work:))

rydes:

how about i pick us up food and bring it back to your hotel room, that way you can still have dinner with me but you can rest your knee at the same time;)

you:

that sounds great, ill make sure to leave the door unlocked

-

speechless you instantly call lilly and tell her everything, who freaks out the second you mention his name. as much as she doesnt believe it, you dont either. how is it that getting injured led you to a hot shot hockey player that is committed to the same school you are (yep thats right, wisco gave you an offer!!), one who’s actually genuine and nice AND insanely attractive. its mind blowing, but knowing theres no way this goes anywhere, as youd have to take the 2 hour drive back to andover in two days and probably wouldnt see ryder again until next year when you were both at wisconsin.

about an hour and a half later you hear two quiet knocks at your door, yelling “come in” at the sound. from your bed you see the cute hockey player who walks in from the doorway carrying the bag of food he got from grandmas, which happened to be your favorite restaurant in duluth. ryder sets the food on the table getting your food prepared so you didnt have to get up. he brings your food over to you and you invite him to sit next to you on your bed. you turned on your tv to the umd vs minnesota game as you rest your head on ryder who had just put his arm around you after you both finished eating. after talking for hours, that really felt like 10 mins, ryder decided that he should probably get back home and even if you didnt want him to go, you agreed.

for weeks after that you and ryder talked and talked for hours on end nonstop whether it was through snapchat, messages, or facetime. even though you only lived two hours apart, your schedules clashed too much to ever be able to meet up with eachother again. eventually after a year later you had completed your physical therapy and were ready to start your first year as a badger, but most importantly you were eager for ryder to get into town so you could hug the gorgeous brunette again.

when arriving at labahn, you were preparing yourself for the first day of practice and your next meet up with ryder, as the boys were using labahn as well as kohl center was undergoing some remodeling. you pull your bag out of your grand cherokee when you saw the brunette, and just like the first time you saw him your heart stopped. dropping your bag you ran in a dead sprint to see him as he dropped his bag and ran towards you wrapping his arms around your shoulders as if its been decades since youve last seen him as he held you for what felt like forever, when ryder whispered into your ear, “so hospitals really do make miracles happen” as he picked you up to kiss you before making your way into practice, knowing that without your injury you may have never found eachother the way you did.

[clementineesotsm]

THE KING: ETERNAL MONARCH EP 6, My Appreciation and How It Made Me Feel

First appreciation of the beginning of episodes was the cinematography, the camera movements following PM getting out of car, and how they shoot 3 of them standing in front of KU building, they put a lot of effort and i appreciate that, aesthetic and necessary. I agree with what JTE said, Corea is a country you only see in fairy tale. I think they succeeded in making both country (Corea and Korea) have a different vibes. At least i can see the difference clearly. Traditional and Modern.

The scene inside the helicopter also my favorite, Gon and JTE PDA moment alongside with secretary Mo and JY facial expressions, i can feel them tough. Its probably the first time they saw their king do it. The backsound violin for this scene also not included in the official ost, i wonder why they robbed me like this 😅

Personally, i love kitchen a lot since i love to cook. Then here we got a chance to see the royal kitchen, and its pretty. All the plates, the knife, everything has Corea logo and how they show all of it in zoom in was incredible. Im amazed how comfortable and fancy it is. Gon is here to make meals for JTE but involved in a deep conversation because they speak not only what happen this day but about Lee Rim. The piano backsound that i loved fill the air in this scene, it definitely took me deeper into their conversation. Amazing.

JTE asked Gon to show her id because she needs to go home. I love JTE! No matter how glorious this world or this man in front of him, she need to go home. Fav JTE line “i cant beat that person anyway, whoever it is, that person must be from this world” im a bit mellow hearing it from her and seeing Gon facial expression. Fav Gon line “i have been carrying it around ever since you came here. I didnt show it to you because im afraid you will leave. But, you’ve already gone somewhere much further away than your world” i can hear Gon’s helpless voice here, and it breaks my heart.

JTE thinks its not make any sense that her ID exist in his world for 25 years. He told JTE how he get it and told her that his memory fading away but he feels that, that person will appear to him someday. “Because that person is either the beginning or the end of all this. It seems like a difficult question to solve, but there must be a simple and beautiful formula for it. And you are the answer i have been looking for” 👏🏼 im actually amaze on how KES make the line for Gon always related to his science guy background. Because that words of him about formula also said by Stephen Hawking which is also a science guy. And i think i also hear it in good will hunting. All science guy who knows physics or math must have this thinking. Loved the detail 💕

Just in time JTE about to go back to her world, a potential war with Japan. As Gon explain back in earlier episode, Corea has always in a brink of war with Japan. And its happening now. This war scene is actually shows how cool and good PM is at work. She is smart and brave to fight for the country, even with a room full of man that underestimated her. And actually she and Gon could make a power couple 😬 Gon is also a cool king though, i love his strategy here but im also as worried as Lady Noh on what danger could he got from involving directly in the war.

JTE ID is missing. Theres a thief in the palace. But Gon thinks about it differently, he thinks the thing that happens was meant to be and all set in motion 25 years ago. Im curious about it too. More homework for the audience 😎

I appreciate this camera movement of moment when JTE stand in front of Gon. The camera focus shot the King robe first then move the focus to Gon, as if they want to show us how JTE saw that this is one of his real responsibility as a King. That he is real.

Gon gave JTE the ID card of her that he has from 25 years ago. Gon promise to come back to her with honor. And this conversation was a bit farewell like and it still hurt

JTE “온다고?” (You said you will be back?)

Gon “기다려 줄 건가?” (Will you wait for me?)

JTE nods

JTE “또보자, 이곤” (lets meet again, Lee Gon)

Then Gon said “i thought my name was not supposed to be spoken, but i guess it was only supposed to be spoken by you”

This song “my love and i” is seriously sad. Give some sad premonition. Also imagine going back home while knowing that the person you care about was about to face danger in a war. I think this war was 1 of JTE turning point. She only can do 1 thing, wait. With no certainty whether Gon is really going to come back? Is he okay? Hows the war? . Not a single information she can get. She also describe herself as someone that never holding her phone as if she is waiting for someone. Until now 🥺 i kind of relate a lot with this feelings, it is the worst long distance someone could ever did. Thank god parallel world not real

I found the almost war with Japan scene is great though. Maybe because im not Korean, so i dont found any mistake here and also scene like this is not something related to real relation in real world. It was oftenly made in a fiction movie though. Just my opinion. This scene, the cinematography, the words, the dialogue and the messages conveyed well. I loved it. It is in line with the situation in Corea. Also i think 1 of the reason they choose this way to show Kings duty is also because their Kindom located in Busan and known as city near the sea, means they are the first protector of the sea. I also love the detail of statue yi sun sin as a symbol of power and they put it facing the sea. WOW.

As predicted, with good strategy. Corea won.

While the war and stuff happens in Corea, JTE is back with her daily activity as a detective and to an unsolved yet Lee Sang Do’s case, but with a new habit, waiting. I love how she was looking at the fence and hoping. Speaking of hope, JTE is a person full of hope and optimistic. Symbolize with her believes that a seed will grow in the space between 1 and 0 which is obviously impossible since there were no air, light and wind there. Gon try to tell her fact but she just go with her faith that this thing will work. If we never try, we never know. Which what makes me loving her character even more.

And she also plant the seed in a pot. Also having faith that is will grow beautifully. She said “i know you’re from a different world, but you should sprout. Your friends are in a much harsher place now” this line itself speaks on how much JTE worried for Gon and drives her crazy because she only could wait

I appreciate JTE that still working just fine eventhough she still pretty much thinking about Gon. As we saw her having a flashback of Gon in the middle of solving LSD case. So actually that night they have further conversation after the kiss. Gon asking her about what he is trying to prove with the kiss, the fact that he dated before or the fact that he is dating now. Gon helps JTE answer that he is in dating right now 🤓 because Instead of answering Gon question JTE prefer to ask Gon to open his shirt 🙃 flustered Gon being shocked is the cutest. JTE ask about the scar he has on his shoulder but cant really saw it now, because its awkward to open Gon shirt just like that and also no lighting strikes.

One of my fav line from this conversation is when Gon said “its more difficult to cross this line, than it is to cross the universe”

To be continue

[justalitlecreacher]

I’m here to prove that Andrew Garfield’s portrayal of Spider-man/peter parker in The Amazing Spider-Man is objectively the best love action adaptation of the character. In this essay I will....(yes this is really happening)

Edit: 10/20/20- i want to indulge myself in spiderman content but finding non mcu spiderman content is exhausting so imma update this instead

TL;DR

Andrew Garfield is my favorite of the 3 Spider-Man actors. TAS’s Peter is more fun and dynamic than the cookie cutter “shy introverted nerd that has a crush on a girl who’s way out of his league” Peter in Tobey Maguire’s movies. I enjoy Tom Holland’s portrayal of the character, but hate the way Disney has written the movies.  I enjoy the characters, plot, and humor of The Amazing Spider-Man far more than the other 2, and i deeply wish we had gotten the third movie with the canon BIder-Man of Andrew’s (and my) dreams.

[DISCLAIMER: I HAVE NOT SEEN THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN 2 OR ANY MCU SPIDERMAN MOVIES OUTSIDE OF CLIPS AND REVIEWS ITS ALSO BEEN A VERY HOT MINUTE SINCE IVE SEEN A TOBEY MAGUIRE MOVIE]

Characterization

  Most arguments against Andrew Garfield’s Spidey( AG’s from now on) begin and ends with “he was a good Spider-Man but a bad Peter Parker”. This references an outdated post comparing all three Spidey actors.(Id attach the image here but i dont want the post to be too long(thats a lie this is so long what am i doing with my life)) The post also claims that Tobey played a good Peter and a poor Spidey; and that Tom is good at both “roles”.(Honestly I think it seems silly that this seems obey the “third time’s the charm” rule but thats just me).  Most people using this seem to be Tobey stans who have forgotten or ignored the rest of the post funnily enough, but the ones that go further into the WHY AG is a poor Peter are also incorrect. This argument also ignores the idea that there can be more than one version of Peter Parker which is blatantly incorrect.  Just look at Into the Spiderverse or the PS4 game; these provide 4(5 if you count the pig) versions of Peter themselves, and that doesnt even include the comics. 

 Arguments that go further in depth claim that the AS Peter is too cool or well liked by his peer to be a “true” Peter Parker. The evidence for this seems to be that Peter has a skateboard.(which what? didnt realize that having a skateboard would instantly make you cool brb guys). Adding to that i dont really see where people get the idea that Peter is popular or well liked. While looking for complaints i found this qutoe from reddit(theyve since deleted it looks like but i’ll add a link in the notes) “He's angsty, pretty socially awkward, has an aptitude for science, and is kind of an outsider. He gets bullied by Flash and he gets his ass kicked after trying to stand up to Flash. He isn't a "cool" person in any way (until the ending, in which he's best buds with Flash, so I'll give you that). While Maguire is more accurate to the 60s comics where Peter in high school is just a fucking loser with basically no friends, in the ultimate comics, Peter is more of the kid who has a small amount of friends, but isn't popular.”. Honesty i fully agree with this because once again, other versions of a character are allowed to exist. You can dislike one version, but its silly to dislike something for not being exactly like another thing.

Ive also heard that Peter isnt “nerdy enough” in this movie which really doesnt make any sense considering the entire plot happens because Peter was looking into some of his parents’ research. If he wasn't interested in looking further into his father’s work what reason would he have to go to Oscorp where he’s bitten by the spider? Why would he have become Dr. Conner’s assistant? If he wasn’t intelligent how did he develop the web shooters?(something that Tobey!Peter doesn't have to do out of plot convenience might i add).  

 Another complaint i see is that the quips he uses in the movie(the first one specifically it seems) makes him seem like an asshole. Honestly thats a fair complaint, but i think its a good bit of characterization; espcially if he does get better about it in the second movie like the internet suggests.The Peter in this movie is a rightfully angsty teen; of course he acts a bit of an ass to criminals(also i feel like its important to mention that he’s like that to criminals? its not like hes being a dick for no reason).

  Compare this with the Tobey Maguire(TM) movies. Like i said i haven’t seen these in awhile but as far as i’m aware TM’s Peter doesn't really do anything particularly nerdy in the film? I may have forgotten something( ok in the scene before he gets bitten he knows a cool spider fact) but he doesn’t have to invent the web-shooters because they came with his powers and he’s only at Oscorp in the first place because it’s a school field trip that he appears to be taking photos for. This Peter does fit the definition of outcast(friendless and bullied for it), but honestly i just dont like him. He’s weird and something about the character makes me feel like i should be a little grossed out every time he looks at MJ at the beginning of the movie.  

   I honestly don’t have any complaints for Tom Holland’s(TH’s)Spidey. Tom is a great actor and from what ive seen i enjoy his portrayal of the character.( He made me cry when i character i actively dislike died).  

Story

  I cant really say much for TAS story. It’s interesting but nothing special really. However, there is one scene that i don’t think i’ve seen anything like since( the closest would probably be the train scene in the original trilogy). 

 The crane scene. Early in the film Peter saves a boy from a car that has fallen off of a bridge, and at the end of the movie this becomes relevant again when it is uncertain that Peter will be able to get to the lizard to stop him in time.(as Peter is already injured and pretty far from the lizard’s location). The boy’s father is then revealed to be a construction worker who recognizes that Spider-man is going to need help to get to the lizard; he remembers how Spider-Man saved his son and organizes the rest of the construction workers to build a path out of crane arms for SM to swing from. All of them are putting themselves in danger by not evacuating, but SM’s actions in the first act of the film motivate them to do what’s right. 

  I love this scene primarily because it highlights something that i think is a really important part of Spider-Man’s character; his connection to the people he saves. SM is often shown interacting with and chatting with the people he has saved after the fact. One comic shows Peter accidentally scaring some bullies and then taking the time to ride the bus to school with them to continue their conversation and educate the students on bullying.( There’s definitely more but this is off the top of my head).

  Another scene in TAS that i love is shortly before the crane scene when Peter is originally attempting to make his way across the city to stop the lizard, and he is shot down by the police. They manage to unmask him before Peter comes to his senses( he had just been shot and fallen pretty far out of the sky in his defense). From there Peter is able to deal with the police while keeping any of them from getting a good look at his face. The one cop he cant take out happens to be Gwen Stacey’s father who had previously had an argument with Peter about Spider-Man(Peter obviously on SM’s side and Mr. Stacey against SM). Peter turns and allows Captain(?) Stacey to see his face. I believe that this is an example of an unwilling identity reveal done right. i really enjoyed this moment because Peter had just shown that he likely could have gotten out of this encounter with his identity in tact as he had just taken down however many men. This implies that it was an active choice on Peter’s end to trust that Captain Stacey would ultimately do the right thing and allow Peter to go fight the Lizard, rather than a final desperate attempt to get away unscathed. Whether or not this interpretation of the scene is correct or not it still gives the character a bit more agency than some versions have done with their identity reveals.

  In Spider-Man 2 Peter starts to lose his powers because he’s having internal conflict about wether or not he should be Spider-Man. Honestly thats kinda neat and i might want to give that a rewatch. As for the one i have seen i don’t have any complaints. I do however prefer the way that Peter was bitten in TAS because it was a result of him poking around where he shouldn’t’ve been rather than him just happening to be standing in the right place for a spider to land on him. 

  Onto TH’s movies; the way Disney has treated Spidey in the MCU is why TH’s is my least favorite version of the character. I feel like too much of the story revolves around Iron Man; Iron Man made Peter’s suit and equipment, Iron Man introduces Peter to the MCU(via blackmail but thats another rant for another annoyingly long post), its Iron Man that “makes” Spidey in this universe rather than Spidey being self-made. In Homecoming(which remember i havent seen outside of clips so bear with me) most of the conflict is cause directly or indirectly by Tony’s refusal or inabilty to communicate with the teenager he’s meant to be mentoring

 For one the entire incident with the ferry could have very easily been avoided had Tony bothered to communicate with Peter enough to tell him that the situation was being taken care of. On top of that at the moive’s climax Peter is shown trying to get in contact with Happy(from what ive picked up isnt he a chauffeur? like idk his deal i just know he’s someone Peter got pawned off onto after Civil War). Peter even goes as far as to somehow hack into Happy’s phone(i think thats what happened it was a weird tech thing that shouldve been a red flag that the call was important though) but instead of listening; Peter is ignored. If this was a different kind of movie Peter literally could have died and itd be the fault of Happy and Tony like..... A large portion of conflict comes from characters being incompetent and not communicating and thats just poor storytelling.

Before this turns too much into an anti mcu rant id also like to say that the way they did Civil War was really dumb considering that Peter defects to Cap’s side in the comics, but whatever.

 Also i loathe the way they handled the identity reveal at the end of Far From Home. With MCU movies most people know to expect an end credits scene by now, but typically that scene is not important to understand what’s happening in the films; they just aren’t important. Putting an identity reveal here makes it seem significantly less important than it is. On top of that i dislike their use of J Jonah Jameson for this scene.

  JJJ is a character who has been repeatedly shown to have a genuinely good heart. All of his anger comes from a place of love for his city(he even says this hemself in the ps4 game when May writes in to tell him that he needs help). He hates Spider-Man because SM reminds him of the masked man who killed his wife; JJJ has never been able to get past that( and Peter’s antagonism of him definitely doesnt help) However, JJJ has been shown to care for people; he has a son who he often brags about, and one comic shows that JJJ is paying Peter for “amateur” quality photos because he knows that Peter is having a hard time and “just need some help”. JJJ has even learned Peter’s identity before and kept his secret for him(seriously though i cant remember the name of the comic but its defiantly worth the read), and in the original trilogy when Goblin threatens JJJ he claims that he doesn’t know who sends in the photos of Spidey because he does it via email( this is a lie). The MCU will have a very difficult time convincing me that JJJ would ever out a teenager’s identity and put him in danger like that. It goes too far against his character.(this could be hypocritical of me to say considering how i just insisted that multiple versions of a character can exist but whatever ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) 

This is accidentally turning into an MCU rant but id also like to say that i hate the lack of a TH!Spidey origin movie because it gives you no motivaion for Peter becoming SM or explanation of his powers; most people will know these things but if youre unfamiliar with the character its bound to be confusing(and im a sucker for origin movies)

[succubused]

what do you find so interesting about ddlc

mm well...couple of reasons which can be reduced to 1. game design 2. monika 3. the potential

im really interested in game development and although ive never technically worked in a design role (havent worked in the industry period in over a year....lol), im very into the idea of learning how & i really love the concept of using gameplay as a narrative vehicle. ddlc does that in what i consider to be an extremely effective way using a relatively small number of moving parts and i think its impressive and i think its something i can learn from if i want to start designing stuff one day

ive seen a lot of people say that it looks plastic or that the writing is boring at first and every time i feel like yeah it sure is and thats the point!! it replicates a remarkably bland dating sim in almost every way up until [redacted] except for a few weird monika moments which brings me to my next point which is. monika.

(spoilers after this)

shes one of my favorite characters of all time right up there with isa and jotaro and the like and its because she like.....ISNT a villain at all. shes just a teenage girl who happens to become aware that she doesnt exist in the material world. and the only thing she can do about it is fuck around in the code and its not like she knows whats going to happen...she basically says that sayoris suicide was an accident and after that she started to fixate on the MC bc she like. was doing all these awful things and i think she needed to believe she was doing them for a reason? she reprioritized the MC to be the most important thing possible so of course it makes sense shed be willing to kill/delete her friends in order to get to him...only she doesnt.

even when she thinks they arent real she cant even delete the files. not permanently. so i dont know. i see monikas spiral as the same sort of thing as natsuki/sayori/yuri....all of them were having those facets of their personalities amplified as the result of their scripts being fucked with. and i have a really hard time believing that monika never messed with her own scripts. so monika becoming more and more obsessive/more and more willing to go to extremes to get what she wants probably was her own fault. and i think eventually she realizes that & even when the whole GAME was busted she still didnt delete them.

i kind of think that when you delete her in the just monika end youre deleting the wrecked code that made her act like that and the remnant that protects you afterwards is the “real” monika but thats like. well a lot of this is just me...looking way into an anime girl dating sim horror game....but we are quarantined after all

& speaking of that when she makes it so the game can no longer be played, shes not only protecting the MC, i imagine shes also protecting her friends. sayori wouldve ended up in the same state as monika, and yuri probably would have done even more insane shit. shes trying to make it so that what happened to her can never happen to them & what she did to them can never be done again.

um well the last thing i was going to say is that for such a sparse game that doesnt really involve that much in terms of actual execution it like. theres a lot to work with you know? like i can take the core elements and then build off of them and write hundreds of words about how i think a sprite has psychological trauma. but i think i just kind of proved my point by writing all this in the first place.....the story/implications have a lot of potential and id like to look into that because thats the sort of thing i enjoy doing with fiction

basically, i dont necessarily think it’s a “good” game, but im not sure its meant to be. and it is an excellent framework. so im gonna work with it for a while and see what i can come up with

[many-gay-magpies]

Smh i should really stop talking to my mom about anxiety/mental stuff because every time it only makes me feel worse

I love my mom a lot but like . sometimes there are just things that get on my nerves even though i love her. I kinda feel bad because like she tries so hard to understand and says she understands and I know she DOES to a degree so I feel bad for lowkey thinking like the whiny teenager all like "yOu DoN't UnDeRsTaNd Me" sometimes, y'know? Like the bottom line is our brains just work really really differently a lot of the time and she either wants to believe or genuinely believes that they dont

Every time I talk to her about my (non-clinical, probably) anxiety and what caused it (this girl bullying me for six years) she goes on to mention all the ways she was bullied as a kid and all the terrible shit she's gone through to say in the end "so I understand" when like all of that shit is way different from my experience so every time she says it inside I'm just like "yes but actually no"

Like, today i was talking about my bully to her and how I've started realizing that all my responses now are responses i was forced to give as a kid because of the situation i was in with my bully, and she went in depth and told me (all stuff she had already told me about before and also when i had been talking about my anxiety stuffs before) about how her mom forced her to sleep in curlers so she would have banana curls and made her wear dresses and how she got mugged really bad when she was older and all this stuff that is very valid trauma and sucks ass and i thank her for trying to understand me but at the same time all the shit that happened to her was surface level. Neither of us could control what was happening to us, because her mom made her dress like that and I couldn't just make this girl suddenly not have issues, but like a dress is still something you can change??? Take off??? Like it isnt attatched to you as a person. I cant change the fact that i exist, which this girl bullying me apparently hated me for. To her my existence was just like "oh i must hurt this person" not because of what i wore, what i looked like, etc etc.

She also kept subtly bringing up the fact that i had never been PHYSICALLY hurt by my bully and implying that because she HAD her pain was worse and i could have had it worse if my bully physically hurt me and ACTED on the threats to hurt me (which my mom's bullies did) and while yes that was true . My bully didn't threaten to physically hurt me at all so there were no threats TO act on she just talked to me like i was shit all the time and beat my self esteem about my personality into a meaningless pulp . I kind of wanted to scream in my moms face "YOUR PAIN WAS MOSTLY PHYSICAL WHILE MINE WAS EMOTIONAL, BOTH ARE VALID AND DIFFERENT" but i know she does know that-- but maybe it would have gotten the point across idk

I wish so badly that i could just tell my mom "I dont want/need you to understand, i just need you to be here" and like i could but . I'm not there yet

(Warning ahead, I'm sorry if this gets really long but like I wanna get it off my chest before i go to sleep bcs i feel like ill sleep better if i do)

Another thing that annoys me is that??? Every time??? I say something??? Or tell her how I'm feeling at the moment??? She just asks me??? "Why?"??? And yes its good to talk about stuff but I'm trying to explain to you in a polite way why i want to leave the conversation and that its making me uncomfortable and i just want to go to bed and you just go "but why are you uncomfortable?" Or like if i tell her I'm upset and i want to stop talking about it she goes "why are you upset? I dont want you to be upset" and I'm just. I literally just said i dont want to talk about this anymore can i please leave you cant control that I'm upset about this because continuing talking to you is just going to make me more upset because no matter what way i try to explain it i cant get my points across right to you and i dont want to say you dont understand bcs thats immature but you kind of dont understand

I want to tell her "This conversation isnt having the outcome i wanted it to have and i want to leave it before it makes me more upset so that i can go think on it for later" but I'm sure if i do. that shed just go "but WHY arent you happy with the conversation tell me so i can fix it" and if i tell her blatantly what is making me unhappy (the fact that she keeps saying she understands and pouring stories of her traumas onto me to "prove" that she understands) then she's going to guilt trip me when were talking in the future by emphasizing the fact that i dont like when she talks a certain way and be all like "oh i wont tell you about my OWN experiences though because you said you don't LIKE when I DO that" and i just hhhhhh

Like every time i tell her she doesnt understand and try to explain it in a way that she WILL and it'll finally click it just. Doesn't and it makes me feel so defeated because every time i do that she just circles back around to "well i experienced all these types of trauma so i totally understand" and i appreciate the effort but that just isnt the kind of support i needed to make me feel content

And also when i was talking to her tonight i told her about a specific instance that happened in like 1rst or 4th grade where I was crying because the girl bullying me was just in one of those. Bad Moods™ where like she hated me for existing and talked to me like i was a piece of trash she had stepped in or smth and then she and a couple other kids asked me WHY I WAS CRYING and I didn't want to tell her "hey I'm crying because you keep hurting me and i dont want you to" because if i said that she would just hurt me MORE so i made up a lie on the spot and said that my parents had a small argument (I'm a sensitive kid and will cry at the barest hint of conflict between my parents so it checked out) and i was crying because of it and . Out of that ENTIRE STORY the one thing my mom zeroed in on was the fact that i told a lie that "painted my parents in a bad light"

Just. Like. Yeah. It did. But I wasn't even thinking about that at the moment?? Like it didn't even cross my mind??? The only thing i was thinking about was that i was scared and in danger and i probably would have said anything to get OUT of that danger (as fake or ill-perceived it might have been). But no, even later on after i had explained that in basically those exact words she still went back around to say "oh if it was bad enough that you told a lie about your parents to get out of it then she REALLY fucked you up"

Which??? By the way??? Is a whole other reason why i try not to talk to my mom about this shit??? Because every time i open up about it and want to have a conversation in a more logical/organized/"well here's the situation and here's what we can do about it" kind of way she always turns it around and says stuff like "damn [REDACTED] really fucked you up didn't she" and "I didn't know it was that bad"/"I didn't know it effected you that bad, you should have said something!" which. Makes me Feel Bad™, for some reason way more than my dad excitedly talking about reptile and monkey brains and how stuff that happened to us in the past is engrained into our brain and still effects us now, like instinct

She also always turns all of my stuff talking about emotions into "oh you're just a teenager" "you're pms'ing" "you'll grow out of it later"

Like one time i told her that her mind was always in the past or the future, always worrying about the past or the future, never in the present, in response to her worrying a bunch about something and how i had my mind in the present more often and her response was something along the lines of "well you're like that because you're young and a teenager, you CAN stay thinking in the present because you dont have all that stuff to worry about like an adult does, I'm an adult and i work a bunch so i constantly have stuff to worry about" and like. Yeah theres some solidity to that. But also i literally talked about that exact thing with my dad and HE said her brain was always in the past/future and never the present so I'm pretty sure its not just a teen vs adult thing

And then towards the end of this whole thing when i had finally managed to tell her "hey I'm uncomfortable in this conversation can i please leave and go to bed" and even further explained that it was because i went into this wanting to have a more casual/logic-based talk rather than an emotional discussion and . she's kind of of the mind that "why did you bring it up if you didn't want to have a deep emotional discussion about it" and I'm just HHHNNNNGGGG but also i actually DIDNT mention it, first i was mentioning how id been having sensory overload lately and how certain sounds of words hurt and then she said i should have a doctor check that out and then i said "I've been reading up on anxiety and sensory overload is a part of that so i figured that's just what it was" (bcs my dad gets sensory overload a lot too) which then ensued a ten-minute conversation about how i probably dont have clinical anxiety because mine isnt as bad as/like all the many, many people my mom has known who DO have it (throughout which i kept trying to tell her "just social anxiety exists too tho" to which she would respond "yea but u dont have these symptoms of general anxiety so i dont think u have it" and while i hope and think i dont i was just like HHHHHHH because i mean social anxiety and by social anxiety I DO NOT MEAN GENERAL ANXIETY YOU CAN HAVE SOCIAL ANXIETY WITHOUT HAVING GENERAL at least i think idk i might be wrong) which i ended by saying "i probably dont have clinical anxiety but i do believe my brain has been wired to react to certain situations based on how i had to react to those situations for six years" which then lead to me talking more about my bully and my mom pretty much siphoning as much emotional vulnerability and opening up out of me as she could

And then at the end i told her "can i please leave i kind of feel like crying and i dont want to do it in front of a person at the moment" (because I haven't cried in a few months and i feel like I'm in need of a good cry tbh which in itself is something she doesnt really understand) which lead her to go "why do you feel like crying now I'm worried for you" and HHHHHHEBDJBEHNDEJHBDNEHDBEH yeah--

There's probably more i could say but I'm not going to, because its almost 1 am and while i had actually been about to sleep early at like ten she ended up roping me into an hour or two long talk about emotions, which is. Fun. And i have to get up in six hours so I'm going to go to bed. Sorry if this was a mess which I'm sure it is, i really just needed to get this out there lol

Also when i went to my dad after this to say goodnight (i actually like talking to my dad abt this stuff a lot since his brain and mine are just really similar) he gave me this lil smile and just said "deep breaths" and that made me feel better

[faunusrights]

OFFAL HUNT REMASTERED LIVEBLOG //CHAPTER 20

i mispelt the title as ‘oofal hunt’ which, i mean, mood,

IN THIS EPISODE OF DEPRESSION TO THE MAX:

"Fuck you."

THAT’S IT. THAT’S-- THERE’S THE CHAPTER.

/looks at the chosen lyrics for this chap :hrm:

do i still have to a little introduction to this liveblog? twenty chapters in? methinks not so lets just get right Tew It shall we

“We’re here, Ms. Fall.”

/marks this next section down on the tally of cinder’s mistakes. we’re somewhere in the high thousands.

An old Dust extraction point, quietly rotting. Cinder’s mouth pulled. There was an abysmal dearth of kindling.

cinder: you know you could at least take me somewhere better suited for me to kick your ass. this is VERY rude. am NOT a fan. my yelp review will NOT be kind.

i love cinder counting up the numbers. you know honestly id be deeply charmed if someone saw it fit to bring half an army out to take me on. i mean, would it be a pain in my ass? yes. but also. awh. thanks lads! love how many of you blocked out this evening just for me x

"Sienna Khan!" Cinder could barely hear herself between the claws of that strange laughter. "Sienna Khan! It’s really—really—you!"

uh-oh sisters,

oh man sienna and cinder is just. look. WOOF. theres a lot here. a lot going on. a lot that HAD gone on. but also im gay so this tension is peak for me PLEASE lay it on thick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LETS GO!

Cinder stopped laughing.

"Overkill," she repeated, and in the same breath, crossed the tarmac in full immolation.

HELL YEAH BABEY. but also was the more the implication that cinder is an easy kill OR the implication that glynda’s the bigger threat that’s more annoying,,,,,,,,,,,,, well!!!!!!!! too late to find out now!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They clashed: once, twice, three times, steel on Aura, flitting through space, but—he wasn't faster than Glynda.

wait it’s the former i forgot cinder’s gay nvm

“Cinder. I mean it. I want to talk.” Sienna’s face revealed nothing. Her gaze stayed fixed on Cinder, as if she were searching for something.

What it could be, Cinder had her guesses, and all of them repulsed her utterly. She spat, “Well, I was only planning on sending your Lieutenant’s head to you in a box signed Love Cinder, so I didn’t really come with a speech prepared.”

SDHJGHJGSKFD SORRY IM LIKE. tryna liveblog but im also just :EYES: at everything here.......... im SO PUMPED for this cause im just SO CURIOUS,,,,,, WE’VE HAD SO MANY SNIPPETS,,,,,,,,, BUT IM HONGRY FOR MORE,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

that said i feel like cinder’s the type of person who revisits arguments in her head hours later with new, better points, so i think she does have a speech prepared. in fact i think she has many words stored up in the ol’ meatspace, and all of them are very rude,

The Sienna Khan that Cinder remembered still had baby-fat in her cheeks and hadn’t learned to keep her thoughts off her face. The one she saw now had weaponized distance.

/stage whisper hang on that visual is cute dont put it in HERE where the TENSION IS

Quietly, Sienna went for her belt, pulling away something the same polished silver as her whip. It might have been an arrow tip, except that it was lethally barbed and looked like it had been modified to chamber Dust. Pale blue glinted within it.

Cinder darkened. "Ice Dust?"

sienna: i wanna talk sienna: with violence!

GOD ITS REAL INTERESTING CAUSE,,,,,,,,,, THERE’S A LOT HAPPENING HERE. glynda didnt Know cinder in any sense so we’ve very much been on the ‘let’s figure cinder out with glynda’ train like the whole. the rain! and the desert! etc! all very much thru the lens of glynda ‘i dont remember shit’ goodwitch! so now we have seinna who Knows Shit cause there’s so much history here and im like blease wait talk more first i want the KNOWLEDGE

[...] "Roman Torchwick is holed up in Vytal with your warehouses, and those two teens haven’t been sighted in months... But you wouldn't send them that far north, would you?”

“I wouldn’t send them anywhere you could get your claws in them.”

“The White Fang isn’t like that anymore. We don’t strong-arm children into our ranks. That girl—the snake Faunus—”

“If you say one more word about her,” Cinder said. “I’m going to do something drastic to every single person here.”

ACTUALLY TALK LESS TALK LESS LETS FIGHT RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!! AND NOT TALK!!!!!!!! A T A L L

Sienna's shoulders leveled. "This is not Hróðvitnir's White Fang anymore."

me: huh why do i recognise that name,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, me: oh yeah!!!!!!! that bitch,

HJGDSJKHGFDS we Love a homage to a classic au and to a cinder so good that id die for her. i mean id die for this cinder too but like that was another level of Die For. anyway. back to the au at hand,

“If I didn’t know better, I might believe you," Cinder snapped, and her old scars throbbed in tandem. “But I do know better. I found one of your parasites, sucking the life out of a town near the wastes. Bringing the White Fang’s protection. You should have seen how he protected them. There wasn't a child there without a fang or an antler missing."

hang on a sec, lets LEAP BACK in time for just a moment

okay so i nipped back to chapter five for just a hot second to see if there was a line that was particular pertinent, but also i found smthng else...

Violence collected at her twitching fingers, old scars across her body flaring with phantom pain. (Chapter 5)

“If I didn’t know better, I might believe you," Cinder snapped, and her old scars throbbed in tandem. (Chapter 20)

HM,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, man. cinder. you got real fucked up huh. ANYWAY THAT WASNT WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR I JUST LINED THE CONTINUITY (because im jealous). what i was ACTUALLY looking for was THIS:

There would be another overseer, the inhabitants would resume their harried lives, and Cinder wouldn’t spare this town a second thought.

i said at the time in an emotional fit of pain that this was a straight-up lie but cinder is nothing if not a melting pot of emotional reckoning, and I WAS RIGHT. LET IT BE INSCRIBED UNTO THE STONES!!!! SHE DID SPARE IT A SECOND THOUGHT!!!!!!!! HELD IN HER MIND LONG ENOUGH TO RECALL THE DETAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST 2 SPIT IT IN SIENNA’S FACE!!!!!!!!! im telling you that cinder has SO MUCH MORE GOING ON!!!!!!!!!!! and heres my PROOF. PROOF OF WHY SHES AN ANGEL (ONLY ON TUESDAYS THOUGH [10AM-1PM])!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then: "Why don't you say," Sienna responded slowly, her expression slotting into place like a bullet chambering, "precisely what you mean, Cinder."

"Fuck you."

:’3c

cinder has such a way with words. i love her eloquence. remember that time glynda thought she was taking the piss out of the fact she was autistic at dinner? cinder yr a maestro. never change.

“You brought Beowolves to heel. You could turn a Goliath with a word!"

“I had—no—Aura! Nothing to protect me!”

:eyes: :thinking:

HM,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, INTERESTING??????? i feel like this is the first time we’ve heard of cinder w/o aura implicitly? unless im Stupit and dont remember a Got Dang Thing but HUH. does this. hm. huh. am i stupid. someone tell me if i missed a thing.

“This isn’t a diplomatic mission, Cinder. I simply wanted to know what their lives were worth to you—before we wipe our hands of each other for good.”

“That’s a funny way of saying only one of us is walking away from this.”

GOD,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, i LOVE this scene a lot the interplay between sienna and cinder is absolutely PEAK,,,,,,,, PEAQUE,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, im rly enjoying this. also im dying. but im enjoy it a LOT.

“The White Fang you and I grew up in doesn't exist anymore. We’re changing. But you… When did you stop caring? Was it when you cut your horns to be one of them instead?"

Dragonfire scorched Cinder's lungs, blackening every word: "I was never—your—people."

feels like its been a good goddamn whilst since i got to do one of these 👈😎👈, so let’s savour the moment

👈👈👈👈👈👈😎👈👈👈👈👈👈

aaaaaand savoured. lets continue.

Shaking with the effort of holding her strike, Sienna grit, "I won't relish this."

And Cinder howled, "I will!”

ah shit i shouldve said lets RELISH this to tie the whole theme together and-- and fuck it, combat scene. never good at liveblogging these. sdfjhgsdfghj

Gunfire sparked against her, but she honed in on him with single-minded intent, the kind she’d whetted to a razor’s edge against Glynda.

for a chapter following cinder escaping glynda, she’s thought about her TWICE now. huh. huh. interesting. gay. and interesting,,,,,,

It was nothing like fighting Glynda. This was bleak and repetitive: the second drove forward and Sienna covered his openings, stopping Cinder before she could rip his heart from his chest, and all the while, the gunfire whittled away at her Aura. It was a joyless tactic, no flair or heart, and yet—

HUH. GAY AND INTERESTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO FLAIR OR HEART,,,,,,,,,, i cant believe every time they fought cinder was actually just doing a shit job of flirting. the more you know.

The world erupted into flames. They grew massive, swirling around her like a hurricane—Cinder’s Aura exploded outward in desperation, like a dying star defiantly spending the last of itself on a supernova; one final flare, brighter than entire galaxies, if only for a single moment. Cinder felt flashes of bright pain through her muscles as if the fire was burning her from inside.

MAN,,,,,,,,,,,,, I COULD TALK ABT SOME UH,,,,,,,,,,,,, well. i could talk abt a few things here. but theyre kinda 👈😎👈 so i WONT,,,,,,,,,,,,,, but kno that i am having some Thoughts on the matter. hm.

“Prove it!” Death was thrumming in her veins. It had never made her brave before. It did now, the memory of Glynda’s blind, resolute stare heady in her skull. “Come and prove it! Do it, or I’ll hunt you to your last, miserable breath, Sienna!”

so remember when glynda had her little outburst at winter and i said that i love how cinder rubbed off on glynda in the worst way? i cant believe glynda ALSO rubbed off on cinder ALSO in the WORST WAY!!!! this is how u know this truly is a soulmates thing.

“It’s a shame you outgrew your swords, Cinder Fall. I would have taken them as a trophy,”

it’s with great disappointment that i must say: i agree with adam. the swords were hot. they should come back.

Sienna’s footsteps were whispers at Cinder’s back. The trap was closing. Cinder pooled flame in one palm. The other hand was useless, limp at her side. Impotent rage tasted like blood in her mouth. “I don’t even remember your fucking name.”

HJGKDSFKJHGFSDJDHGF GOD IM SORRY BUT THIS MADE ME LAUGH. WHAT A LINE. WHAT A LINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i may actually have to draw this scene that image is SO wonderful. just cinder, staggering, exhausted, and she still manages to just spit that out. im screaming. shes a champion. i think she won this battle literally just there pack it up her burns come in more flavours than one.

Beneath Cinder, Hati turned, scanning for an escape, but she didn’t drop Sienna’s gaze. Wiping the sweat from her brow, she said, “I’m told I’m something of a menace.”

firstly: AAAAAAAAA HATI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BABY BOY OH NO THATS NO GOOD BAD TIMES AWFUL FEELS MY GUY!!!!!!!!!!!! secondly: CINDER THESE ZINGERS ARE UNREAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JESUS CHRIST. I KNEW YOU LIED WHEN YOU DIDNT HAVE A SPEECH HOW MUCH MATERIAL HAVE YOU GOT IN THERE?????????

OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD

WAIT WHAT HANG ON

WHAT

WAIT

W H AT

okay wait hold on lets dial back i read ahead and dint live blog wait rthereghsdfgjhdffd HOLD ON

Cinder buried her face in Hati’s mane, hating them, hating, hating, hating. Black ichor clotted in Hati’s fur, tacky against her palms. Grimm didn’t have Auras to protect them, and exit wounds riddled Hati’s mighty body. Cinder’s heart lurched with fury. She could have screamed.

i read this bit and got STRESSED because hati is PEAK like hati didnt even fucking SHOW UP in og but i LOVE HIM and i knew shit would happen because its fucking offal hunt BUT

It should have been impossible at this distance, but Cinder could feel her gaze like traded blows, even nestled among the black of Hati’s pelt.

Sienna’s eyes shone like coins. They were cool, detached. Prepared.

She twisted her wrist and the whip flickered through the air in tight wheels. Its end glittered pale blue.

UH OH

Adrenaline cooled to permafrost in Cinder’s body, as though the Dust had already found its home between her ribs.

Cinder whispered, “Don’t.”

UH OH

Expressionless, Sienna gave a wide lash, and the jagged end of her whip released with a click. Silver sliced through the air, then through feathers and fur, with a sickening sound—wet and meaty as the arrowhead dagger buried itself deep into flesh. Hati’s whole body shuddered and Cinder only had a moment more before ice exploded from his ribs, ripping out through his pelt, even slicing into Cinder’s own skin. It speared him from deep inside, where the cartridge had sunk, impaling everything and rending him asunder.

JESUS JESUS CHRIST AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

JESUS CHRIST WHAT A VISCERAL DEATH SCENE HOLY SHIT OH MY GOD OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! O H N O T H A T S A N O G O O D V E R Y B A D T I M E

Cinder’s stomach jumped into her throat, and she held on tight to Hati, her bastion, her sanctuary, her family—held on tight like it would make any difference at all—like she could hold her family together with just her own two hands.

Hati dissolved right between her fingertips, and she plummeted alone.

like she could hold her family together with just her own two hands

OUGH what the FUCK

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HEY THIS. HEY THIS SUCKED HEY THIS WAS A BAD CHAPTER WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT WAS HATI!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT WAS MY BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EXCUSE ME????????? WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?????????? HELLO??????????? WHAT THE FUCK????????? SIENNA???????? BITCH?????????? GO TO H E L L

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[seblore]

everyday i wake up and you still havent posted your evermore rant </3

there u go boo 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

GDBDNSKDJHHDDNDS GIRL................ ok so i very cleverly avoided ranking folklore because every song REALLY HIT and the whole album was just SO.. SO.. yeah. i can however rank miss evermore. i dont want to compare the two album i do not get the point in that. both give off really different vibes. now what i will say is with folklore, AS AN ALBUM, it is just a master masterpiece. The songs flowed amazingly with each other and really held you close the entire first listen. at least thats what I felt like <3 with evermore however, the individual songs are OMG!!! THERE IS LITERALLY NO SONG I DONT LIKE FROM ANY OF THE TWO ALBUMS. but as an album on the first listen i did feel a bit disconnected from evermore which didnt happen to me with folklore. why i think that might’ve happened is BECAUSE taylor is just so brilliant m8.... the MASSIVE contrasting emotions between the songs was too much for my little brain to handle.

Ok so now that’s out of the way dhsjsk time for rankings :) i have no idea where im going to put each song im just going to make it up as we go <3 ill ALSO give you my fave lyrics from each if I remember it <333 (oh and also you’ll notice marjorie isnt here. im sorry but i never listened to it after the first listen because it hits a little too close to home and i dont want to unpack all of that now im sorry! it is a beautiful song)

14. Closure: she popped off <3 she really said dont treat me like a situation that needs to be handled 💃🤙💯 a beautiful song with beautiful lyrics HOWEVER its the first song i couldnt connect with thus it’s down here BUT I STILL WOULD LISTEN TO IT ON REPEAT THO... the last in my ranking but still fucks 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️ thats taylor swift 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

13. long story short: i have never been in a relationship ever BUT GODDAMN ‘pushed from the precipice, clung to the nearest lips’ hdjsksksjjddjnBbdns jddd ubebs!:!?:?:$3&39383$hzjs WOAH.... and this bitch really summarized the full 2016 drama with long story short it was a bad time. HILARITY. yeah not much to say here tho this is just the ‘at least one mandatory song to shake your tits to on each ts album’ song of evermore <3 and always remember that if the shoe fits walk in it TILL YOUR HIGH HEELS BREAK WOOH ANDIFELLDOWNTHEPEDESTALRIGHTDOWNTHERA—

12: dorothea: making a lark of misery :D RENt free. i had to listen to ‘if youre tired of being known for who you know you know youll always know me’ 113 times to finally understand it tho 😐 some of us are stupid and illiterate have you ever thought about that miss swift???? anyways TINGTINGTINGINGINGING THE STARS IN YOUR EYES SHINED BRIGHTER IN TUPELO <33333 such an innocent feel good song I LOVE!!!!!

11. ivy: the goddamn here and the hush of mirrorball ARE THE REASON IM STILL ALIVE 😽 another lyrical masterclass <3 ‘id live and die for moments that we stole on begged and borrowed time’ IS2G!!!!!!!!!!! anyways what if you cheated on your husband with me and i cheated on my husband with you and my pain fit in the palm of your freezing hands 😳 JK JK 😅 unless...... 🤪���� hdjsks yeah this song is magnificently cursed and i am in love with it 🧎‍♀️

10. tis the damn season: this song is august but the other side of the coin. august but four months later. AUGUST SLIPPED AWAY LIKE A BOTTLE OF WINE- THE HOLIDAYS LINGER LIKE A BAD PERFUMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE... she sounds so pretty goshhh! ‘time flies messy as the mud on your truck tires NOW IM MISSING YOUR SMILE hear me out we could just ride around and the road not taken looks real good now’ is on repeat in my mind. and as always the bridge ::::::::::::::.............:::::::::::::: how does she do this everytime. ‘and wonder about the only soul who can tell which smiles im faking’ 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️ after every ts song i listen my expectations about true love grows exponentially and my chances of finding true love falls exponentially simultaneously ADIEU.

9. willow: she really took the invisible string quartet and put it in huh..................... FUCKED IN THE HEADDDDDDDDDDDDDD. what can i say <3 its just such a pretty song <3 hashtag gorgeous hashtag i cant say anything to its face. WRECK MY PLANS!!!!!! WRECK IT BITCH!!! ‘wait for the signal and ill meet you after dark’ LOVE STORY WHIPLASH. also mate i cant even focus on the song she looks SO GOOD in the music video i—

8. happiness: !!!! what can i say.... one of the best songs of the album hands down. lyrical masterpiece AND musically rich. she really logged into tumblr dot com and typed out ‘THERE’LL BE HAPPINESS AFTER YOU’ AND ‘THERE WAS HAPPINESS BECAUSE OF YOU’ ARE IDEAS THAT CAN COEXIST and logged off...... h8 her and her insanity. the one word i have to describe this song is: picturesque. tis a picturesque song <3 oh and dfbhhffcbhDDVHHTRSDVJK when i heard ‘i hope she’ll be a beautiful fool who takes my spot next to you’ i audibly GASPED and then she says ‘no i didnt mean that sorry i cant see facts through all of my fury’................. i fell out of my chair. IT FELT LIKE AS IF SHE HEARD MY GASP AND TOLD ME SPECIFICALLY THAT NO SHE DIDNT MEAN IT LIKE THAT... anyways yeah. ill write an article one day named THE SWIFT DECEPTION OF TAYLOR about how she keeps writing songs with deceptive titles and this will be the opening case 😈🤙 also the fact that this is one of my faves and i put it in number 8 says a lot......

7. evermore: i havent recovered from ‘motion capture. put me in a bad light’. i mean come on the whole goddamn song is a lyrical masterpiece. ‘writing letters addressed to the fire’. IS SHE OK!????????????? i think tf not. beautiful song beautiful arrangement. iver sounded really good too. and lol lol rofl WOOFWOOFbarkbark ‘HEY DECEMBER GUESS IM FEELING UNMOORED’ unmoored definition from google dot com: no longer attached. she doesn’t go back to december anymore. about2 faint oml. long story short: i did not survive. THIS PAIN WOULD BE FOR EVERMORE........ what i felt with this song is that she took the quarantine sadness we all felt at least once this year and made it into a masterpiece of a song. couldve been easily the top song on any album except this. no i will not elaborate <3

6. no body no crime: i cannot believe. she teased us with a musical number. this woman teased us with. a musical number. I THINK SHE IS WRITING A MUSICAL BUT I JUST CANT PROVE IT! when she wins that tony 16 years later call me prophetic xoxo. anyways yeah she literally wrote this to flex her storytelling abilities. send tweet 🐥

5. cowboy like me: YEEEHAWWW I’LL BE HONEST WITH YOU I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FULL SONG SOUNDS LIKE I JUST HAVE THE BRIDGE ON REPEAT!!!! OMFG!!! the skeletons in both our closets plotted hard to fuck this up. AAAA!! ??? STFU. IM NOT EVEN TALKING ABOUT THE LYRICS MATE THE WAY ITS SUNG!!!!!!! GUT WRENCHING! the best bridge she has ever written musically. i cant stop listening to it. REALLYYY DID BELIEEEVE I WAS THE ONEEE. STORIESSS ABOUT WHEEEN YOU PASSSEDDD THROUGHH TOWN. y e l l. and then she hits me with ‘now you hang from my lips like the gardens of babylon.’ L ???? M !!!!! A $$$$$ O “”””” i had to pause it and sit there for 10 minutes to take in what i had just heard. case closed critical hit sustained yeedhawd.

4. tolerate it: i cried. the only reason it’s not 1 is because it hurt me too much. WHAT THE FUCK YOU MF YOU ASSUME IM FINE BUT WYD IF I BREAK FREE AND LEAVE US IN THE RUINS???? TOOK THIS DAGGER IN ME AND REMOV— m8 this physically hurts me everytime. if its all in my head TELL ME RN. aghhh aRghhhhhhh. pain. and lol she broke down sleep to its bare essentials ‘breathing with your eyes closed’.

3. ??? coney island: i know it’s a bit of a controversial top three but WHO CARES 🕴this is solely here for ‘AND IM SITTING ON A BENCH IN CONEY ISLAND wondering where did my BABYy GO’ im shaking. my bed is shaking. my body is shaking. my pupils are shaking. THE WAY SHE SINGS IT OH MY GOODNESS ME i have to lie down gimme a sec. ‘and if this is the long haul howd we get here so soon 😟’ SCREAM. and when i was hearing it for the first time and she said ‘sorry for not making you my centerfold’ i was like yeah and?? so what?? and then she hits me with ‘over and over’...... so she didnt make him/her/them her centerfold over and over !!!!!!! she is sorry she didnt do it over and over!!!!!! mannn.... the chorus.. i shall not speak. i am held at gunpoint i CANNOT SPEAK. the bridge tho dhdnsksksjsb I CAN SPEAK AND I SHALL SPEAK. BITCH WENT OFFFFFFFF. <3 this is the apology she deserved from her exes which she never got so she wrote it herself. podium. grey skies. birthday cake. ACCIDENT. im laughingggggggggggg <///3 and yeah so overall it is a really yummy song with yummy vocals and yummy arrangement 9/10 would recommend. also!! life lessons kids life lessons. disappointments? SIMPLY CLOSE YOUR EYES AND PRETEND YOU DO NOT SEE IT YAAAAAAAAAS

2. gold rush: ETHEREAL!!!!!! The last time i felt like this™️ whilst listening to a song was with mirrorball <3 the production of this song omg omg omg LOVE 💃 but what propelled it to number two status was the ‘i dont like slow motion double vision in ROSE BLUSH/ i dont like that falling feels like flying till the BONE CRUSH’ imagine how fucked in the head a person needs to be to rhyme rose blush with bone crush. yeah i have nothing more to say really this song is extremely gorgeous and ‘eyes like sinking ships on water so inviting i almost jumped in’ / ‘walk past quick brush’ ?:!:!&:8483 F A V E <33333 and the transition transmission transfusion from ‘... gray old tea cuz itll never be ᵍˡᵉᵃᵃᵃᵃᵐⁱⁿᵍ ᵗʷⁱⁿᵏˡⁱⁿᵍᵍᵍᵍ’ MADAME

1. champagne problems: are we surprised? ARE WE REALLY SURPRISED? when listening to new albums i normally listen to it at one go in order. i stick to that rule. HOWEVER after many years of my solid album listening self made rule tm i finally broke and immediately replayed this mf song after listening to it once. ‘you had a speech, youre speechless/ love slipped beyond your reaches’???? stfu???? VILE. PUNISHABLE. DEROGATORY. and welp the entire bridge ...... .... ........... what can i say. And the parallels to miss all too well??? WHAT WAS THE REASON???? your SISTER splashed out on the bottle- left my scarf there at your SISTER’s house 😐 she’ll patch up your tapestry that i SHRED- maybe this thing was a masterpiece till you TORE it all up 😐 your MOM’s ring in your pocket- your MOTHER’s telling stories bout you on the tee ball team 😐 November flush and your FLANNEL cure- PLAID shirt days and nights when you made me your own 😐 wHAT A SHAME SHE IS FUCKED IN THE HEAD IS2G........... and also why would she not rhyme POCKET with LOCKET?????? why with wallet???????????? slant rhyme why????????????? AND THE NOTE THIS MF SONG ENDS ON..... FUCKED IN THE HEAD

THATS IT. i really sat here and did this for the past 2 hours huh...... hhdjsms anyways LONG STORY SHORT: I HATE ONE INSANE WOMAN AND HER NAME IS TAYLOR ALISON SWIFT. GODSPEEED 🏃‍♀️

[angrylizardjacket]

teenage fantasy. {Joe Mazzello} /SMUT\

Anon asked: Can you do a joe smut fic?? Where he's rough but soft at the same time???

A/N: 2483 words. I love this Y/N because she definitely responds to the questions ‘your boyfriend’s an actor? what’s he been in’ with ‘me.’ ANYWAYS smut. it might be a bit sappy, i genuinely don’t know if it’s good but i’m not going to apologise for it, it is what it is. have fun. would love some feedback.

“Do you remember when we were kids, we made that promise that we’d be best friends no matter what?” You said, voice gentle as you rested your head on Joe’s chest, the two of you half paying attention to something on the television.

“It was when I brought you along to Jurassic Park,” Joe agrees, an arm around you, rubbing small circles into your back, “you’d wandered off to find the T-Rex, and you found her, but she started malfunctioning and you started screaming.” And the moment you try and bury your embarrassed expression against his chest, he laughs, low and warm, and gives you a squeeze. “Yeah, I remember, why?”

“That still holds up, right?” Your voice is muffled where you’re still pressed against his chest, and he’s quick to answer.

“Yeah, it’s a promise, babe.” When he speaks, you look up at him and see him grinning; he’s still looking at the TV, but you can tell he’s not paying attention to it.

“Well when I was sixteen I also promised I’d never date an actor-” You half smile, and he finally looks down at you, raising his free hand to his chest.

“That really broke my heart, you know.” He interjected, and you gave him a light shove.

“Exactly, I broke that promise.” And his expression softens from amused to gently concerned.

“Why are you bringing this up now? What’s got you worried?” He asked, and you can’t articulate your thoughts. “You’re my best friend, my girlfriend, and I’ve known you since grade school; babe,” he laughs a little, wearing a fond smile, “at this point I’m pretty sure you’re stuck with me.”

“But when we made that promise, we were kids, we didn’t know what it meant, we didn’t have to be anything.” Voice soft, you rest your head on his chest again, eyes closed as the fear that had been overwhelming you for months finally came to a head. “But we’re, we’re grownups and you’re someone, Joe. You’re in Bohemian Rhapsody, and I’m-”

“Stop it.” Joe’s voice is firm, and your voice dies in your throat. “Whether or not I’m in a movie or whatever, that doesn’t change anything about us.” His voice is unwavering, and his sincerity calms something in your chest; he truly believes in what he’s saying. 

“You mean that?” You murmur, and he taps your hip gently. Moving automatically, you sit up looking at him with only the barest hint of uncertainty as he beckons you towards his lap, letting you straddle him.

“Of course I mean that.” It’s so soft when he says it, his hands cupping your jaw as he pulled you in for a kiss. He holds you like you’re made of porcelain, and when you lean back, his fingers ghost, feather-light down your arms to settle at your hips. The way he looks at you, reverential, like you hang stars in the sky, his eyes wide and bright, the barest hint of a smile on his lips, it’s as if he’s trying to commit this image to memory. It’s like he’s never seen anything more beautiful that you, in his lap, wearing a shirt that was far too big for you, and a pair of lacy knickers, and you duck your gaze, bringing your hand up to scratch the back of your neck. “There’s no-one I’d rather be with, I promise.” 

“Joe-” you murmur his name soft as he takes your chin and guides you back to face him, pulling you in where you’re smiling bashfully.

“Baby, I promise.” He says, his lips inches from yours, and you grin as you close the gap between you two, kissing him fear disappointing in a way you hadn’t realised it would the moment he has a hand on your ass, squeezing firmly, almost like a reassurance.

“Did high school you ever imagine we’d end up here?” You half laughed as Joe peppers kisses across your collar, which then turned into a faint gasp as he ran his fingernails up your side beneath your shirt with the hand that wasn’t on your ass.

“I think high school me had this exact fantasy.” He admitted, and as you laughed, his hands quickly come up to pull off your shirt over your head and he nodded, shooting for serious as he made a noise of agreement. “Actually, this is much more accurate.” And you’re still giggling even as he took one of your nipples in his mouth, teeth grazing against the sensitive flesh. He kisses his way up your chest, deliberate, lips warm against your skin, and then there’s that smile again, the one you’ve known for years, the one you’ve loved for years, and suddenly you feel secure.

You’ve seen him on screen a million times, falling in love and kissing what felt like a million different people who weren’t you, but in moments like this, where he’s got his hands on your back, guiding you to lay down on the soft bed.

“What about you? Did high school you ever consider this?” And he punctuated it by pulling his shirt off over his head, and you reached up, regarding him with an affectionate smile, tugging him into a messy and passionate kiss as an answer. He had one hand on your cheek, the other moving lower, dipping beneath the waistband of your panties. He swallows your gasp as he slides one finger into you easily.

“I-” when he stars to kiss down the column of your throat, you try and answer, but he chooses that moment to start moving gently within you, curling and uncurling his fingers at an agonisingly slow pace.

“Is that right?” He sounds so innocent but you can feel his smirk against your shoulder.

“That summer, we were- we were sixteen-” you stutter your way through your sentence as his thumb begins to gently rub at your clit. He presses a kiss to your sternum, before looking up at you expectantly; you want to laugh at his innocent act, but the moment you make eye contact, he presses deliberately against both your clit and your g-spot, and your head drops back to the mattress, letting out a low, heavy chuckle, more akin to a moan. Almost all words leave you as your reach down to hold his hand in place, hips rolling in time with the way his fingers moved inside of you. “There, right there.” You whimpered, letting go when he kept the rhythm, letting your hands fist in the sheets of the bed.

“Fuck that’s hot.” You hear him murmur under his breath, and when you look at him, he slows down, and you prop yourself up on your elbows to give him an amused look, heart still beating erratically as he continues to finger you at a steady rhythm. He looks a little surprised that the words had even left his mouth. “What? You are.” He smirked, and you couldn’t help but be endeared by his earnest honesty.

“Take off your pants, you dork.” You grinned, biting your lip and pressing your thighs together as he removed his hand from your panties, leaving you feeling a little empty.

“So you were saying; when we were sixteen you wanted to fuck me?” He asked, tone light as he pulled off his sweat pants, and you chuckled, shifting to sit against the headboard, lazy grin on your face as your own fingers dipped into your panties.

“Pretty much.” You admit easily, and he snorts out a laugh. “I remember, it was like Mid-July, I came over for dinner and you were washing your mom’s car, just wearing board shorts,” and you trailed off, making a low hum of approval at the memory, gasping sharply as you pinched at your clit. Finally, Joe looks at you, now in his boxers, and he goes completely still, watching your hand work.

“Babe, I was so pasty.” He moves automatically, hands on your hips pulling the fabric down your legs, leaving you exposed as you opened your legs for him.

“You’re still pasty.” You smirk as you watch him kiss his way up your inner thigh, grip tight on your thigh like he knows you like. He takes your clit in his mouth, sucking hard, making you arch into him, cocky amusement evaporating with a whimper. It only takes a moment, his tongue flicking across the bud, before he’s moving further up, pressing kisses to your stomach, biting gently at the swell of your breasts with an almost awed laugh when you moan at the sensation. 

“Taking your time there?” You ask, gently lifting his chin when he presses his lips to your chest, and he grins, a little devilish as if happy to be caught in the act.

“Sorry, I was just remembering...” and he’s wearing this shit-eating grin as he sits back, reaching into the bedside drawer, pulling out a condom and opening it easily, “about five minutes ago my girlfriend was worried I’d leave her for my fancy, Post-Bohemian Rhapsody lifestyle.” He slides off his own underwear, and you suppress a fond smile. “I’m just trying to prove that that’s not going to happen.” He pulls you by the hips towards him once the condom is secure, and he pauses for a moment, the tip of his cock at your entrance.

“Well don’t keep me waiting.” Voice low and seductive, you moan, long and breathy as he sinks slowly into you.

“Never, baby.” He murmurs into your ear before capturing your lips in a kiss. He starts so slow, so deliberate, and your move your hips to match his pace, breath catching when your hips meet his and you can feel him hit deep inside of you. It’s like a switch has been flipped, the teasing banter leaving your mind as all you can think about is his cock inside of you, his hand on your thigh pulling your leg up, closer to him.

Your nails dig into his back, you can feel him press a groan into your neck. You reach down between your bodies, fingers finding your clit, and your head falls back as you play with your clit as Joe fucked you.

“God, baby you feel so good.” He presses a kiss to your throat, his grip on your thigh tightening.

“So good.: You agree, as if the words were being pulled from you. He slows down for a moment, moving back to look you in the eyes. Seeing you looking up at him through your lashes, pupils blown wide, and lips swollen from where you’d been biting them to keep yourself quiet, he can’t help but snap his hips to meet yours, if only to hear your gasp, watch your eyes flutter closed for a moment.

“I’m all yours, baby, I promise.” And you reach up with your free hand to pull him in to a kiss, moaning and sloppy against his lips, rolling your hip lazily, enjoying the new pace.

“All mine.” And there’s a self-assuredness in your voice, with him deep inside of you, his hands on your thigh, that hits him right in the chest. If you’d asked him right now, he’d walk through hell for you without hesitation. “I love you.” And he’s still a little dazed. 

“I love you too.” He responds, and he feels your hands on his hips, sees the way you’re biting your lips, and his pulse gets even more erratic, if possible. Moving with him, the two of you role until he’s laying on the mattress, and you’re straddling him. It only takes you a moment to reposition him before you’re sliding down onto his cock, taking a moment to just enjoy the feeling of fullness, before you start grinding against him.

“Fuck.” He breathes, hands steady on your hips, loosing himself in the sensations. And then you’re leaning over him, lips against his, kissing him hard, as you rode him, moving down and sucking a hickey into his chest, as one of his hands comes up to pinch at your nipples. “Fuck, I love you, baby.” He moans, and you let out a breathy laugh.

“I love you too, God, I love you so fucking much.” And your eyes flutter closed as he begins rubbing at your clit. You’re both so close as you grind against him, his hips rolling against yours, cock hitting inside of you at just the right angle as you leaned back a little, and the words falling from your lips are incomprehensible, but all you can hear is his moans, and praises as he tells you how good it feels to be inside of you.

You come with a high moan, leaning forward and pressing your forehead to his, hips still rolling as he comes a few moments later, pressing desperate kisses to your lips, holding your hips steady, flush against him as he buries himself deep inside of you. The world stands still for just a moment, your pussy still twitching with the aftershocks of your orgasm, and you let out a shaky laugh.

“So is that how the fantasy usually turned out?” You asked, catching your breath for a moment before you climb off of him, flopping onto the bed beside him. Joe snorts out a laugh, swinging his legs over the side of the bed to head to the bathroom and dispose of the condom.

“I never really got that far.” He admitted, and you let yourself relax and chuckle into the easy silence of the room.

“I think I could do another thing high school you would have fantasized about.” You call out, and when he returns, there’s an amused look on his face, his eyebrow raised with interest. You beckon him over and he sits on the bed against the headboard at your insistence. You take his now soft cock in your hand, gently pumping it a few times.

“You’re gonna have to give me a few minutes before round two.” He insisted, and you smiled softly at him, hand still gentle on his dick.

“I know, I just wanna make you feel good.” And it’s so sweet and honest that Joe feels like his heart’s going to melt as he takes your face in his hands and plants a kiss on your lips.

“You do, baby.” He murmurs, and the two of you are quiet for a moment, resting your foreheads together, his hands cupping your cheeks, your hand still working his dick where it was already half hard.

“I just wanna,” you try to explain, though he can hear the wicked smile in your words without even opening his eyes, “make you feel as good as I do when you tell me you love me while you’re so fucking deep in me.” And Joe lets out a low groan, his cock twitching in your hand.

“You’re far too hot for your own good.”

[depressionbelikeamanda]

Just felt i should start writing cause nobody would understand the way i do. So a letter to my future self.

It’s funny how depression is seeing like something that's just in your mind, no one treats depression like a broken arm, or an injury but ‘’try to think good things’’.

Nice to meet you, my name is Amanda, I’m 22 years old, a brazilian girl currently living in Ireland, working as a caregiver, doing IT, trying to survive my mental condition everyday, trying really hard by the way…

I’m not writing so people can see this, but because i need a place to express myself and not being judge. Maybe not even this, but a place that i can just write everything I’m feeling.

I don’t think most of people can understand what it is to have depression, anxiety or some mental problem, maybe because they are too busy with their lifes, maybe they just dont give a shit, maybe they way they were raised was so though they just don’t want to accept that people can have mental problems, or maybe smth else that i cant think right now. But yeah, everybody has their own reasons to not believe this is a real thing, but what can we do right? Even though there are many people struggling with depression, others mental problems, and studies that proves it’s real and we are not making this up, people still think it’s nothing, it’s just something that we can just turn to happy thoughts,  right? If you can’t see the problem it means there is NO problem. 

Anyway, I started writing this because I’m literally in the middle of a mental breakdown but (not saying the company i work for) the person who’s in the emergency line of my company doesn’t give a shit for mental health. 

Is it fair that I called 2 hours before my shift starts that I was in the middle of a depression crisis? 

NO

Is it fair that she needs to find someone to cover me in this short period of time?

NO

But I dont think it’s fair with myself as well that i have to work while I’m crying, feeling I’m gonna faint, vomit, that I’m feeling so weak my stomach is hurting, that I can’t barely breathe (No, it’s not corona cause i did the test and it was negative), that I have to cycle to EACH client even though I’m feeling all these things and I can literally fall from the bike, that I wasn’t taking my depression/anxiety medicines cause I didnt have enough money to pay for my medicines cause i dont even have money to pay my own rent (at least my friend gave me some so i dont have to freak out for some time). Yeah, I’m not working that much since when the pandemic started, used to work 43/45 hours per week and now I’m working just 23. I have my rent, bils, food, medicines, student loan… but as the emergency woman said ‘’you can’t stay without your medicines, it’s not that expensive, around 10 euros.’’, but i paid 36 and yeah, it’s not a lot of money, but for a student who has to pay everything by my own, it’s not working as much as I used to, don’t have money to pay my rent, food, imagine medicines… so, it’s just 36 euros, i’d love if someone could pay my medicines, i’d love if I could get strangers medicines, but I dont even have money to pay my medicines, imagine to pay the doctor AGAIN, and then start paying more for a medicine that right now I dont even have money to pay the ‘’normal’’ one. (Idk if it makes sense in English, cause not my first language, anyway). And I’m here in my client’s house waiting her to finish her conversation with her daughter so i can start working, my shift starts at 17:00 and it’s already 17:26, and i have to make her tea, smth to eat, wash the dishes when she finishes, but yeah, at least i dont have to talk with her cause im feeling so sick, my face is so huge right now cause i couldnt stop crying, I took 3 medicines to get better to finish this day but idk if is helping or making worse cause i wanna vomit so bad that idk whats happening. 

Anyway, i finished my client and called my friend so he could help me to sort this out before i go to my next client at 20:00, he was teaching me how to breath so i can calm down, it worked a bit not even thought i was feeling tralking with someone who really knows and the best thing is that shes a psychologist, so I called her, i was crying like hell, explained everything that happened and she said that (not exactly in these words) i need to get help from a psychiatrist cause I’m always gonna have smth going on if i don’t get help, and as she said ‘’Headache, sore throat, depression crisis, that all these things that i have/feel is connected to my mental health…’’. I’m feeling so lonely and disappointed after she said this cause I know that ny mental health is because of my emotions 99% of times, but it’s dont think my sore throat was caused because im feeling sad. Two weeks ago when i felt my throat hurting I was pretty ok, I haven’t stoped with the medication at that time cause i still had it, and I was pretty ok actually, I just reported to the office cause when i got the virus for the first time the first symptoms i had was sore throat, and i dont have this often, like, in over 2 years i just had 3 times, the first time was tonsillitis, the second was because i got the virus, the third was two weeks ago and i still dont know what it was, cause i felt a bit strange so i reported because i thought it might be the virus, cause it was exactly what i felt before, so i did the covid test and it was negative so i know it wasnt the virus, but i didnto go to any doctor because as I said in the beginning of the text i dont have money to pay my rent, my medicines, I DO NOT HAVE MONEY TO SEE WHY MY THROAT IS HURTING, so i still dont know what it was, but i got throat medicines from my friend and then got better, so maybe smth like tonsillitis but not that strong cause tonsillitis feels worse than what i felt, anyway, coming back to 2 weeks ago, i just reported because I was afraid that it could be the virus and my clients were in dangerous, but now that i know how she feels about myself (even though it can be true) I won’t report any other symptom (she works in my company office), not cause im trying to get attention, cause no one is reading this, but myself, but cause i feel that the company doesnt take me serious. Anyway, I just wont report anything anymore, I just hope i don’t get anything that i can spread to my clients cause i do love them, and i care for them more than for myself, cause i dont give a shit if i die because of the virus, or anything, but if if my clients get this because of me id never forgive myself. Anyway, it’s just sad that a friend and a psychologist thinks that cause my emotions i have sore throat and headache and i’m not able to work because of THESE. Normally I’m not able to work for good reasons, I’m always honest with my company, I could totally pretend i felt from my bike so I couldnt work, I could give a really good excuse to not work, but instead i said the truth, cause i couldnt get my medicines cause I’m not working that much so i dont have money to pay anything and i was having an abstinence crisis and I was shaking, feeling vomiting, dizzying… anyway… Unfortunately people can’t understand whats happening with others cause they are not others, and even if we try hard we could never understand, unless we’re going through the same. The only thing we can do is support who we love, even if it doesnt make any sense for us, because for them it does.

[daddyd0nt]

What’s your trauma?

Woo-wee this is going to be a long post.  Not sure if I want to break it down chronologically or by category.  Im going to wind up forgetting an assload of things but i guess thats trauma for ya.

Physical:

-I was abused by a doctor when I was a little girl.  he was a sadist and sent me to get all sorts of labs and stuff that I didnt need.  I remember a lot of being held down for needles, its my earliest memories (pre-verbal).  My mom tried to take legal actions but I was sickly at birth so there was no way she could prove that id been put through unnecessary testing.  He would leave bruises all over me from me struggling whenever he put a needle in.

-When I was a year and a half years old, my worst uncle burned me twice with cigarettes and pushed me down the stairs into the basement where my family lived on 3 other occasions.  He claimed these were all accidents.  He beat his sons and would hit me (usually on the back of the head because it didn’t mark, i remember being little and hit in the back of the head so hard that I felt like my eyes were going to pop).  When we were 4, he savagely beat my cousin for bringing him a warm bear and gave him a concussion and he was throwing up and it was mixing with his tears and bloody nose

-Father regularly tricked me into hurting myself because he found it funny.  He would test my obedience by telling me to touch something hot and I would and id get burned and hed laugh like “haha I cant believe you really did it” but by that point I was devoted enough to him that I did anything he said without question.  He would also do things like give me splintery wood to play with or didnt stop me from grabbing fiberglass.  

-I had a Sunday school teacher for years who would hit us on the hand hard enough to bruise if we didn’t memorize the week’s bible verse right.  He encouraged child abuse and was a big fan of the book “To Train Up A Child” (a lot of families in my church were) so whenever my mom would complain that hed hurt me hed twist into her head that he was actually helping me.

-As a teenager I got jumped a lot because I ran my mouth.  Once i had a real gun pointed at me on one of these occasions.

-I was sucker-punched in a home invasion

Sexual:

-My worst uncle masturbated onto me multiple times when I was 1-2 years old, sometimes into my mouth

-I was touched at my pre-school by a girl’s dad who had come to the classroom to bring in treats for her birthday.  it happened in the gym where they let us play on rainy days.

-I was touched all through my childhood by older boys.  I always had teenage “boyfriends” starting in pre-k.  Nothing violent, I thought it was just tickling.  One would bring me stickers, another showed me how to put a card in my bike spokes and make an engine sound.  One was my best friend, a mentally disabled 7th grade boy and I was the summer before kindergarten, and he loved me so much that when I was sick he would come over and we would play through the window and he would tell me the stories of Star Wars.  His older brother also touched me once, and as an apology he gave me a holographic kangaskhan card.

-I was touched by my friends uncle and CSEM was made of us

-I was groomed online by sexual predators and started “cybering” with adults in 3rd grade on gaiaonline.  By the time I was 15 my n00dz were on fetlife (where I was more active than facebook) and I liked to let adult guys jerk off to me when chat roulette was a thing, I would basically do free cam-shows on there for whoever would tell me I was pretty.  There is a lot of CP of me still floating around.  

-I was groped by older boys on the elementary school bus

-A bus driver used to touch on all the little girls to “check their seat belts” in elementary school.

-I was emotionally blackmailed into sex acts by a boyfriend as a teenager, on occasion he was physically forceful.  At the same time, he was molesting my sister.  He also raped a girl i was in love with.

-As a result of heavy purity pressure from my church, I did a lot of things I didn’t want to do to keep my virginity.  If I realized a guy had gotten me alone id enthusiastically offer oral out of fear that he would try to make me have “real” sex with him and that I wouldnt be able to give my virginity to the man I married. 

-I was taken to a house when i was very drunk and the boy i was with stripped and molested me but I got away before he had intercourse with me but I had to physically fight really viciously.

-I was drugged at a party and passed out (I went to sit on a chair and then was asleep is what I remember).  The guy dragged me to the woods and fucked my face and left me on the verge of OD (I was on other drugs that I took myself) vomiting in the woods after taking my money and cigs.  I don’t remember much of it but I remember telling my friends about it in the cab ride home and laughing and not being mad about it until i realized my smokes were gone.

Psychological:

-Dad was in and out of jail growing up.  My family is afraid of my dad so I rarely got hit but my one uncle would severely beat his sons in front of me.  My dad beat the shit out of my brother in front of me regularly.

-Bullied my entire life for being overweight and autistic (including by my dad).  in 7th grade, my best friend rallied all my other friends against me and I had nobody going into Jr high because they were embarrassed of me.

-Abandoned by a few FPs over the years.  One would triangulate me off his girlfriends to create drama.  he would cry to me on the phone about something and then, when I tried to get things fixed, he would deny he ever said anything.  He later raped a girl.  He took a lot of joy in coming to where we were hanging out and purposely completely ignoring me.

-My dad would run “drills” where he would rapid fire ask us trivia questions and fly off the handle when we got something wrong.  I was treated as a child prodigy.  If I did less than perfect on something my dad would say “are you lazy or stupid?” which were the only two choices when I messed up.

-I had a very psychologically abusive teacher in grade 4.  She gossiped about kids in the class in front of the class, including talking shit about a kid who was often late because he was living with his aunt after his mom died and needed her to drive him to school (she would start the day with “lets count how late X is today” and have us yell the answer at him when he came in).  She would do things like dump your desk/backpack and make you clean it up in front of everybody if she thought it was messy.  She had some kind of a break down in the last 2 or 3 months of school and every day all day she had us do crossword puzzles.  She made fun of my weight in front of the class.  She would make me cry by raising her voice and then take away my recess for crying.  She took away my recess for doing things like telling my mom shed been abusive and at the time losing recess was my worst fear (you had to sit on a wall where everybody could see with the “bad kids”).

-My dad was/is a drunk and said/says horrible things and goes into rages where he breaks stuff.  He once got in a fight with my mom and smashed a clay pot id made her in art class against a wall.  

-My dad would pretend to abandon me and my sisters all the time.  hed walk away in a shop or something and take everybody but one of us and laugh watching us get more afraid and lost and worried.  I participated in this too.

-My mom brought us to a really “fire and brimstone” cult church.  I remember being 14 or 15 and sobbing in the bathroom on Easter because I realized I liked girls and, according to my pastor who I trusted like a grandfather, that meant I was ‘Rejecting gods love in favor of sinful lust’.  Members of my church would spy on me in public (everybody did that with everybody’s kids, like if we saw teenagers from church at the mall my mom would follow them and see if they were ‘doing anything evil’).  it was also drilled into my head that if you didn’t exchange virginities with the person you married that god wouldn’t recognize you as a unit in the afterlife (i still have panic attacks about this because I wasn’t B’s first)

-My dad used to pop out and startle me because he knew I had anxiety.  Hed do things like hide in bushes when i was walking my friend home in he dark and halfway home hed jump out and grab me.  His idea of humor required a victim. When I cried, hed fly into a rage about how I couldn’t take a joke.

-My dad encouraged me to be bulimic and rewarded me for going a day or two without food.  Hed say something nasty about my weight and tell me not to eat or “jokingly” tell me I should throw up what I ate and then when he saw i had skipped at least a day of meals he would tell me he was proud of me and that if only I could get my weight down I would be pretty

-I went from perfect grades to almost failing when I moved to the Jr High because I couldn’t keep track of my papers/books/homework without a desk and lost all my love for learning

-There was no discretion of media in my house.  My dad regularly watched very sexual/violent things in front of me (this was back when HBO was new and we had it and hed watch it constantly).  He used to put on Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” all the time (which has full frontal, graphic oral, graphic rape, etc).  Id seen “A Clockwork Orange” by the time I was in pre-k.  I don’t think he meant this to be harmful though, I think he thought I couldn’t understand/follow it and he didnt want to get stuck watching baby shows when he watched me.  i almost caused a divorce crying to my mom that “the droogs” were going to break into our house.

There’s absolutely more and im on a speed binge so im sure ill make 30 more novels today when I remember more stuff but those are some of the major bullet points lmfao

[zeravmeta]

Ok so, my thoughts on the VR ending and VR overall as the 6th entry.

Also because most of my thoughts aren't...complimentary im editing the names so they dont appear in the general tag. This also got LONG so readmore.

The Good:

- A//i's character still managed to be the one thing that saves VR as a show for me. Even with all the weird...contradictory plot issues, A//i still manages to be a compelling character who brings up the question of the right to live. I actually do like how he made it so itd be an ultimatum that he loses in either way, even if the ending kinda ruins the weight behind the action (which I will get to in a bit).

The meh:

-the ending was left somewhat open to interpretation which for a show as...empty as this was works out but honestly it was so vague as to A//is fate is that it may as well not exist.

The Bad:

-The main conflict behind the entire show is...simulations. No joke. Every conflict in the show can be traced back to someone doing a simulation and deciding to lose it. Even if they gave the (rather stupid) explanation that AI experience simulations like actual life (which btw the first villain wasnt an AI so this reason doesnt work), the fact that Yu//sa//ku took a bullet for one of A//is robot bodies that he literally has millions of is...just stupid and there solely for the "uwu drama".

-They actually killed A//i off but wait hes actually alive, so like the final duel literally had no purpose aside from...drama??? The episode is called Compromise and yet A//i had to lose just to keep Yu//sa///kus win streak and theres no compromise whatsoever. Yu//sa//ku litetally destroys the CompromA.I.se card so its just, no comrpomise in any way.

-This....wasn't a happy ending??? I have no idea why both the show and the fanbase frame this as a happy ending bc think about it in context: A//i pretty much loses everything, so does Yu//sa//ku who just isolated himself from everyone else for 3 months in order to comb the network for whatever remnants of A//i exist.

- So many of the supporting characters are just...there. Like, there is no side/supporting character who actually has a character arc in this show. Lets go through the list: Ao//i is pretty much the same character as when she started and goes through 2 unnecessary costume changes for a character growth that isnt there because she has literally ONE victory against an opponent that was stated multiple times to be weak and faulty and have her lose and tortured multiple times for no reason whatsoever, G//o had this weird deterioration that may have lead to something but ultimately didn't, Ak//ira is pretty much the same, J//in has ALL HIS TRAUMA ERASED SO THERES THAT, literally the only side characters who have some sembalnce of an arc are Sho//ichi (the best one anyways) from his "betrayal" in S2, and E//ma with her reconciliation with her brother. Outside of that, nothing. Yu//sa//ku, Re//volv//er and Ho//mu//ra are pretty much the only characters with an arc and even then they're not too solid? Which brings me to-

- Yu//sa//ku has been so wildly ooc since the end of S1. Ive seen so many say that his enphasis on bonds and friendship are character growth but actually looking at the sequence of events he suddenly just like. changes completely around his first duel with Ea//rth. Plus, the message of "revenge is good" was always so weird? Like, he got his revenge so all his trauma is ok now and never brought up or explored again aside from within the first 20 episodes. Theres nothing about it after that and its never built upon. The whole point of a revenge arc is to show that its BAD and yet he starts preaching that revenge is wrong AFTER he successfully gets revenge??? And even then its not exactly a revenge as it is more lashing out since it was Ko//ga//mi who was behind it all. Yu//sa/ku was definitely at his strongest characterization in S1 where we see how badly the Lo//st Incid//ent hurt him but S1 had its own share of problems that led into S2 and so many random plot threads that never went anywhere (such as the Anot//her Incid//ents, the Cy//berse deck being irl despite that A//i didnt have a physical body before then, The Bl//ue Mai//den meetup that was repeated by Nao//ki like 10 times in S2 which seemed to be leading up to something but never did, and the fact that theres 4 recap episodes in S1 already spelled some early problems). So much of the supporting cast function to just say "he turned this whole situation around...with ONE card..." i kid you not watch back every Yu//sa//ku duel I GUARANTEE you'll see someone saying hes a great duelist and serve only that purpose. ALSO THE END OF THE SHOW IS JUST MORE DRAMA?? They make him suffer for no reason other than that they can??? What purpose does his suffering at the end serve aside from just "uwu...poor baby..."???

-Re//volv//er is not a good rival. At all. He's so incredibly bland because much like Yu//sa//ku he was at his strongest characterization in S1 where he actually had some solid motivation in continuing his fathers work and being unable to accept that his dad was evil, yet most of that just flies out the window with all the collateral he's willing to inflict with the K//O//H?? All his character amounts too post S1 is "yeah i told you robots are evil and YOU didnt believe me". The most we got of him growing out of this mindset was calling A//i by his name exactly one time and nothing ever again. Also the fact that in the end we see him and his crew working for S//O//L despite the fact that they were gonna turn themselves in for their crimes just. leaves a rotten taste in my mouth. hes not a good rival at all. All he proves to me is that a good design can get anyone to like a character.

- Ho//mu//ra is...there. I literally cant say anything about him because he absolutely has the strongest motivations of the three but then the show jumps through hoops to push him to the back of the other two. He also has a bunch of early victories I do feel are undeserved (ESPECIALLY the A//oi duel that one pissed me off so much). Also the fact that the show just made him Yu//sa//kus friend immediately whereas it took Sho//ichi several months to get Yu//sa//ku to warm up to him just had me :/.

-The speed duels were a cool concept but they just became these huge cheat fests? Seriously Play//Maker uses StAccess literally every speed duel to pull out a new monster from whatever plot holes the writers need to patch up. I am not kidding. You can go back to every single speed duel Yu//sa//ku was in and youll see this. Skills just werent a good mechanic because when a protag pulls a new card its supposed to be representative of some growth/characterization but he stays the same pretty much throughout the entire show up until S2 where he wildly just switches personality. Plus the fact that Que//en could literally use a skill whenever just shows that it was cheating???

- The villains were overall lackluster. Boh//man was the best because Re//volv//er is just flat whereas A//i struck me more as an anti hero. And again: simulations are the enemy. Light//ning ran one and decided to go ham. Kog//ami ran one and decided to go ham. A//i ran one and decided to go ham. The conflicts are all the same and it just makes things happen rather than following a consistent plot thread? I will say that Boh//mans characterization of a hive mind to become perfect does strike my tastes but thats more my personal preference in villains rather than any merit he has.

- This is a bit of a personal pet peeve but I've seen some of the praise to this show about being the "darkest Y//G//O to date so therefore its good" and im just...no? Edge does not make a good show and just because they lightly focused on the tragedy in Yu//sa//kus life (and it IS lightly because its barely touched upon after mid S1) most of the stuff that happens in this show is pretty tame in comparison? The most that happened here was an attempted global hack of everyones minds from S2 and destroying the internet in S1, with a few references to the torture that happened during the Lo//st incid//ent. To compare: the previous series had this huge interdimensional war that, even if they could reverse the carding of people (which makes Den//nis' attempted suicide even more tragic), ended with an entire dimensions full of brainwashed soldier children, a dimension with huge class inequality that was still being heavily worked upon since there were canonically slaves, and a dimension that was savaged by a genocide and total global destruction. Hell, the series before that had a huge war where the arc actually did focus on the tragedys the characters faced and held consequence (even if they pulled a dbz revive everyone at the end). And as far back into the very first series there were even more graphic depictions of war and death? Idk i feel like people are overplaying the edge here just to find a way to complement this show.

Overall:

I'm...genuinely dissappointed. VR really had so many strong starting points but it all just fell apart at execution. Really the only reason I even bothered to watch it as kong as I did was because Im a longtime fan of the series and wanted to give it a chance rather than jump on whatever love/hate train the show has. Its been rated poorly on the JP side and most of the approval is a vocal minority. Just to be clear: this isnt me bashing the show, my opinions are mine and you can agree or disagree to any capacity, and even if a show isnt well written you can still find a reason to enjoy it despite the flaws.

But if Im being perfectly honest? I do not like this show. It's rushed, choppy, has no consistent or clear plot threads, most of the genuinely interesting characters are wasted for the protagonist to look better and he never really does because he ALSO has an interesting idea behind him but it never goes anywhere. It started strong but ended so poorly. Id be angry but im more dissappointed because Ive watched this show from day 1 and wanted to see the good things it has rather than focus on the negatibes but. yeah. This show really had potential and yet it just fell flat.

[fiftyshadesgrl]

He saved me/ part 3

Summary: the reader is in a abusive relationship. When things take a turn for the worst she finds help in the winchesters.

Warning: there will be smut, violence, torture, abuse and language. If youre triggered by any of this do not read.

I gasped and looked up at the smiling doctor. "What...what did you say?"

"Parker. He done this. Youre lucky you lived through it. He will be happy to know youre alive." He said with a sneer.

I started shaking and the heart monitor was beeping eratically. "Who are you?" I managed to find the words and he bent down close to my face.

He smiled and his eyes flashed black. "Im a demon." My breathing becoming shallow and my heart beat so fast that i thought it was going to burst out of my chest. "Demons arent real." I whispered and he just laughed and stood up straight.

"Oh we are real, what do you think parker is? Now be a good girl and dont say anything to anyone about this and i will give a good report back to parker. He might go easy on you." With that he turned and walked out. Dean hurried in right after him.

Dean noticed how panicked i was. "Whats wrong (Y/N)?" Dean said grabbing my hand. I seen doctor gram outside the door shake his head and put his finger to his lips to tell me to be quiet. I shook my head and tried to put on a facade to make it seem like i was okay.

"Nothing, i guess its just where the doctor told me about all my injuries. I realize how close i was to death." I exhaled slowly, "thank you for saving me dean, but you dont have to stay here. Im not your responsibility."

He looked at me with a puzzled look. "No im not leaving you. When they release you youre coming with us. Im not leaving you here for that asshole to find you." Dean said looking over his shoulder as sam walked in.

"Im going out for food. What do you guys want?" Sam said standing awkwardly in the room. His massive frame seemed to make the room seem small. Dean spoke first "pie and my regular." Sam nodded and then they both looked at me. I shook my head "nothing for me, thanks."

Dean shook his head, "you have to have something to eat. You either tell sam or i will." He said but i could tell he was just trying to take care of me.

I sighed, "i dont know. Id like to have some pizza." Sam nodded his head and left.

Dean smiled, "see now was that so hard?"

I chuckled and shook my head. Dean turned the tv on and was flipping through channels, nothing of interest was on so he settled on some comedy show. We sat in silence for a few minutes before i spoke up.

"Hey dean do you have a pen and piece of paper?"

He searched his pockets and came up empty. He walked over to the side table where there was a pad of paper and a sharpie. He handed it to me then went back to watching the tv. I began writing on the paper.

'I dont like it here. I wanna get out of here.'

I passed it to him and he took it and skimmed over it. He looked up at me with a worried look and opened his mouth as if to say something. I shook my head and put my finger to my lips. He understood and began scribbling. He passed the paper to me.

'Why? Whats going on?'

I fliped the paper over and began writing.

'The doctor knows parker. Hes going to tell him im alive. He will come for me.'

Dean read what i wrote and i saw his jaw clench before he quickly scribbled something.

'Let him try to come for you. Ill put a bullet between his eyes.'

'No dean, the doctor something is wrong with him.'

He looked at me puzzled and i took the paper back from him.

'He told me he was a demon. His eyes turned black. He said parker was a demon.'

Dean read what i wrote and nodded his head he folded the piece of paper that we wrote on and put it in his pocket. He took a clean piece and began writing.

'Me and sam will take care of that.' He held the paper up for me to see then folded that one and put it in his pocket as well. I furrowed my brow and looked at him. He winked and started watching tv again.

How could he be so calm with the information i just told him. Soon sam walked in with two paper bags and a large box of pizza. He placed the pizza in front of me and i had to admit it smelled amazing.

Dean rolled the table across the floor and placed mine and his food on it. Sam had a salad and he went and sat in the corner where he was earlier. They both dug in to their food. I took one piece of the pepperoni pizza from the box and took a bite. I moaned at how amazing it tasted. Sam and dean both chuckled but i could see a fire in deans eyes before he looked away. I ate four pieces and then pushed it away.

"I cant eat another bite." I said patting my stomach.

Dean smiled and rolled the table to the other side of the room. "The good thing about pizza is that it makes amazing leftovers. How long has it been since you ate?"

I looked down at my hands. "Three days. Prior to the incident."

Dean growled but didnt say another word. He walked over to sam and pulled out the piece of paper we had wrote on earlier. He looked up at dean they seemed to have a silent conversation with each other. Sam nodded and got up and walked out.

Dean came back and sat beside me, folding his hands behind his head and stretching his legs out in front of him. He looked over at me and winked again.

Sam came back in after about an hour being gone. He had a big duffle bag slung over his shoulder. Dean shut the door to my room as sam set the duffle bag in deans chair. Dean walked over and unzipped it, he pulled out two bottles of water some salt and then a big knife.

I gasped and moved back on the bed wanting to get as far away from the object as possible. Dean placed it in his jacket and held his hands up.

"No, no sweetheart. Its okay." Dean said quietly.

"The last time a knife was pulled out in front of me i ended up here." I said quickly.

Sam looked at dean with anger etching his features. "You didnt tell her?"

"Tell me what? Are you working with parker? Please dont hurt me." Tears welled up in my eyes.

"Sweetheart, were not going to hurt you. This is for the doctor. Then parker." Dean said sitting on the edge of my bed. "Were hunters. We hunt monsters, vampires, werewolves, demons and on and on. I know its hard to believe but the demon doctor is very real as you saw for yourself."

The doctor said he was a demon and his eyes did turn black. He wasnt human or was he? My head was so clouded and i was so confused about everything. Everything in me wanted to scream and run but running was out of the question because of my leg. So i had no choice but to trust the brothers.

I nodded and tried to relax. Deans shoulders slumped as i agreed with him. Sam sighed and spoke then. "(Y/N), i know its alot to take in but we can prove it to you. Just trust us, were not here to hurt you. Were here to help you. I promise."

For some reason i believed them. "Okay, so what are you going to do?" I asked quietly but tried to sound courageous.

Sam spoke instead of dean, "you are going to have to call the doctor in here. Say you need him to check your stitches or anything. Once hes in here we will take care of the rest."

Dean shook his head, "sam shes been through enough we can figure out another way."

"The only other way is to follow him to his house and we dont need to leave her alone here. In case..." sam didnt have to finish his last sentence, dean and i both knew what he was talking about.

"Dean, sam is right. I dont want you to leave me alone here. I feel safe with you around." I dont know why i said that but it was the truth. I did feel safe around dean and i didnt want to ever be without him. "So ill do whatever i have to." I finished.

Dean nodded, "okay, in about two hours the nurses will be making their rounds which means the doctor will probably come see you shortly after. The nurses wont be at the desk which gives us a better chance of not being heard."

"Okay so what do you have to do?" I asked.

"Were gonna hide in the bathroom right there and when he comes in, we make our move." Sam said.

I nodded and dean handed me a small vile of water. "This is holy water. If he gets to close before we get to him, throw this in his face." I nodded and held it in my hand. I smiled up at dean and he smiled back.

Right before shift change sam and dean walked in the bathroom and shut the door. I waited for fifteen minutes then a soft knock on my door sounded. "Come in." I yelled and sure enough it was doctor gram.

"How are we doing this evening?" If the conversation we had earlier hadnt have happened then i would have thought he was a normal doctor. I knew better though. I laid there gripping the vile of holy water dean had gave me under the covers.

"Fine." I said not looking at him.

"Well thats good. Wheres your two hunks that loiter around here?" He asked checking the monitors and iv tubes.

"They went to get food. The food here is shitty." Venom laced my voice which surprised me. I guess knowing dean and sam were just in the next room gave me more courage than before.

He laid his clipboard down on the bed and leaned down just a foot from my face. "Dont lie to me. I know those hunters are around here somewhere."

Just then dean and sam burst through the bathroom door. Before they could make a move the doctor shoved a syringe in my vein.

"Dean and sam winchester. What an honor. Ive heard alot about you." He smiled as dean went to take a step forward he noticed the syringe in my arm. "Careful boys, do you know what air bubbles in the blood can do to a person?"

Dean and sam backed up, the doctor nodded. "Good choice, now parker will be here in a few hours so i suggest you both be gone by the time he gets here."

At the mention of parker and that he was coming for me made me jump into action. I remembered the vile of holy water dean gave me and popped the cap off of it.

"No!" I screamed and used my free hand and arm to throw it in his face. He let go of the syringe as a burning sound and steam came from his face. I jerked the syringe from my arm and the other tubes.

Sam and dean moved into action then. They poured holy water on him as he yelled and more steam and burning sounds came from him. I rolled off the bed and landed with a big thud and a groan slipped from my lips.

I crawled over to the duffle bag searching through it to find something to help them. I heard sam speaking in latin and the doctor growling. The doctor threw sam across the room against the window and kicked dean backwards towards the bathroom door.

"You bitch, you just wait! Parker is gonna hear about this and what he did last time is nothing to what youre gonna get." Doctor gram said as he grabbed the ankle of my hurt leg. I yelled out in pain.

"Dean!" I screamed as he appeared behind the doctor. He stabbed him with the blade and it looked like fire flickering inside the doctor.

"Keep your fucking hands off her, you demonic son of a bitch." Dean said as doctor gram fell to the floor.

I gasped and looked at grams lifeless body on the floor. His dead eyes staring at me. "Oh my god....oh my god...." was all i could say. I couldnt take my eyes from him. I dry heaved and i didnt notice dean by my side.

"Hey, you okay?" It was like his voice was muffled. I looked at him as he spoke something to sam i couldnt quite make out. Sam pulled a pair of sweat pants and a flannel shirt out of a second bag i didnt know was there.

Dean shook my shoulder and i snapped out of my daze. "Are you okay?" He asked again. I nodded "my leg hurts."

He nodded and picked me up as gently as he could and sat me on the bed. Sam walked out of the bathroom in a pair of nurse scrubs and a fake id badge. I didnt even notice him walk into the bathroom. He walked out of the room and soon came back in with a gurny and a sheet. Dean and sam lifted gram up and onto the gurny, they stripped him of his clothes until he was just in his boxers. Sam covered him with the sheet and walked out calmly.

"Whats he doing? Hes not a nurse." I asked confused.

Dean shut the door, "hes taking him to the morgue. Cant have someone find the dead doctor in your assigned room. Dont wanna look like you did it." I nodded and knew what he meant. If they found him here id be number one on the local cops hit list.

"Now im gonna help you put these clothes on and we are gonna get you out of here." He said slowly. I looked down not wanting him to see me naked.

"Dont worry i wont look...much." he said the last part under his breath thinking i couldnt hear him but i did. Thinking of dean seeing me naked didnt make me feel uncomfortable, i actually liked the thought. I stripped the gown off and heard dean gasp as he looked at all the wounds and bruises that covered me.

He slid the sweat pants up my legs and lifted me enough to help me pull them up over my butt. They were to big but they would do. He helped slide my arms in the flannel shirt and he began to button it up. It smelled like him. These must be his clothes. I smiled as i enhaled the masculine scent.

Sam walked in shortly after with a wheelchair. Dean walked into the bathroom and came back out with the doctors white coat and a pair of scrubs. I have to say he looked amazing.

He walked over to me and lifted me gently but it still hurt my leg. I winced and he flinched hearing that. "Im so sorry sweetheart." I smiled and kissed his cheek. He smiled at that and placed me in the wheelchair.

"Sam you clean up here and ill take her to the car." Dean said as he wheeled me out of the room. I dont think i actually breathed until we was outside. Dean walked around the corner where there were no cameras and noone around. Out of the small bag he handed me before we left the room he pulled his jeans and tshirt out. He ditched the doctors coat and scrubs in the blink of an eye.

I didnt realize i was staring until he spoke. "Like what you see?" My cheeks heated and i turned my head away from him. I held out his jeans and shirt he took them with a chuckle. After he was dressed he shoved the doctors clothes in the bag as we headed to the car.

By the time he got me in the front seat sam was there climbing in the backseat. Dean climbed in after he put the wheelchair back in front of the hospital. The engine roared to life and i shut my eyes at the sound. "Oh ive always loved these classics. Theres nothing like the sound of a engine running to set fire to my blood." I smiled.

Dean was looking at me in awe and something else in his eyes. Sam cleared his throat in the backseat and dean pulled out onto the main road. "Where are we going?" I asked a few miles down the road.

"Were taking you home." Dean said and my eyes got wide. I dont wanna go home, ill die before i go back. "No, sweetheart. Our home which is your new home. Its going to be about a eight hour drive so if you need to stop at anytime let me know."

I sighed a relieved sigh, even though i didnt know the winchesters i still felt safe around them. Theyve showed me nothing but kindness. Plus im starting to develop a certain liking to dean. So i wanted to be around him and was glad he didnt want to get rid of me. Not yet at least.