#id fucking love JUNGLE WORLD

[gay-artificer]

When they bumped up the price of RW they said it was because they wanted it to better reflect a game they were going to put more work into and like, people on steam keep being rude about that and like, implying its ‘unfinished’ now or that they should be expecting another DLC announcement as if one didn’t come out so newly that they haven’t even gotten it ported to console yet. Like im fairly certain what that meant is that with the DLC release they wanted to do some extra work on the game to address any flaws and other things people might want... Basically “we want to get this exactly how the community would like” kinda thing. Hell there was an accessibility survey posted to the discord and I assume the idea there is to add in a set of tools for specifically accessibility issues vs. the remix options more general controls

[hurlingdown]

your newest work makes me wanna impregnate katakuri!!! look at him with that biker fit and watch those titties let out some creamy milk!!! god he'd be an amazing father, i'd fuck him every day to help with the pregnancy pains and ill eat out his loose pussy after giving birth. would he want you to use his ass because he's a little shy about his pussy after giving birth? would he want another few babies, maybe triplets like him? oh i bet he would love a nice litter of children to care and love for. maybe his pussy would be so loose that it cant hold in any cum and drips out like a creamy cake, maybe he would randomly piss himself in bed. would he grow a little pudge from taking care of his pregnancy? how hairy is he underneath there? if its trimmed or a jungle in there, im journeying the depths of a new world baby.

god he would be gorgeous bulging from his stomach, would he start wearing a shirt in public to hide his bump and his growing breasts or would he show it all proud in his usual biker outfit, tits bulging, even when he's dripping milk in public? maybe he'd just kill anyone who sees him.

id love to love a man like katakuri, id love to love katakuri.

- oath anon

holy fuck you're unlocking kinks in me i didn't know i had. pregnant! katakuri was not something i knew i needed what the hell

the way you write is so hot and that last sentence is a bangerrr.

[xappetites]

sort of a continuation of this w/Frank and fBell

Frank is no stranger to barbershop banter, he might not spend all that time in town, even when he’s home, but he’s been getting semi regular post-mission cuts here for long enough to be counted as a regular.

So he doesn’t really mind the ribbing, his barber poking fun at how he should let his hair grow out like the youngins do, and he’ll throw in a perm for free. That is until the grocer down the street, currently getting his beard trimmed, makes an off hand comment about Bell.

“Doesn’t seem like the missus would be a fan, though.”

And it isn’t like Frank’s fucking bothered, it’s just this is the first time he thinks of the situation with Bell —living in his house and sleeping in his bed, making his coffee and strong arming her way into paying at least the electricity bill— as something that might stick. And he needs a minute to sort through the ache in his chest.

A forfuckingever thing, instead of the vague suspicion that he won’t find her there when comes back stateside, the bracing himself for an empty house he’s been doing for the better part of two years now.

“What?” the barber stops, kills the trimmer even, so he can be heard loud and damn clear. “If you ain’t planning on marrying that pretty thing living with you, better break it to her soon then. She’s started raising chickens.”

“Not sure she’s the marrying type.”

It’s not a lie, Bell’s quicksilver in Frank’s mind, half a cool little stream after hoofing it across the jungle for days and half forest fire. The word ‘wife’ itself feels weird, no matter how many times he’s let her know that he loves her as he comes.

The barber drops it, thankfully, though he shakes his head at Frank like he’s the stupidest son of a bitch that’s graced his chair today.

But it distracts him, the whole fucking thing, nags at him like a mosquito bite in the crack of the ass. So he has to bring it up, and he’s sure he sounds annoyed as hell about it, because he is.

Bell laughs —easy, without mockery—, perched sidesaddle in his lap, because of course she does. This is why he preemptively imagines a world without her, practices losing her in his mind so it doesn’t kill him when it happens for real.

“You ever think about tying the knot?”

“I’m legally dead Frank, I don’t think I’m allowed to get married anymore.”

“But you would, if you could?”

“I’d walk my ass hand in hand with you into city hall tomorrow if I had a valid ID, love”

She kisses him to make her point, in that mesmerizing fucking way of hers, and she rides him half to death that night, fingers interlocked and mumbling his name like a prayer.

So Frank calls a guy, someone he trusts to take his payment and keep their mouth shut. An old CIA contact who minds their businesses.

And he thinks he could make it romantic, should probably; he just— can’t wait.

All he does in the end is slide the two cards over the table towards Bell one morning, as soon as they arrive. Valid, legal, forged by the best: a driver’s license and state ID for his best girl, with her name sitting pretty on them, joined by a simple, solid ‘Woods’.

To call her his wife still feels weird, but this is right. As right as her laughter, bright and so sudden it almost makes her choke on her coffee. Right as the way she fits in his arms, talking about rings and looking at him with eyes half closed, like she’s looking at the sun.

[electrificata]

Here is what i have been listening 2 lately yes im avoiding something no i dont listen to a lot of """new""" music

"This corrosion" the sisters of mercy - nothing revolutionary here, its a goth (sorry eldritch) classic with the big stupid jim steinman bombast that i love. If you want a good time search "andrew eldritch interview" on youtube, he's a huge bitch its so funny

"My lady of mercy" the last dinner party - a cute fizzy indie pop song that splits open into huge, triumphant stoner rock choruses. Its my understanding this band has weathered "industry plant" rumors despite being like, not. Anyway if industry plants made shit like this id be ok w the concept

"Kybalion" killah priest - my friend sold this wu tang associate to me by saying a) he's into the occult, b) not sure if he's actually any good, c) hes making animal noises on the new album. "Hermes trismegestis of lyrics that specialize in physics and pyramids" literally what else do i have to tell you

"Blood makes noise" suzanne vega - i love when a singer songwriter chick has one hard track on her album and this one sounds urgent and clanging and ominous im having a great time

"You aint no celebrity" jungle - everybodys losing their shit over "back on 74," and rightfully so, but this is the ass shaker on the album, its like an update on all those 2000s sean paul hits i liked before i heard at too many bar mitzvahs (it actually knicks the buzzing theremin from "get busy," which was always better than "temperature")

"Naked eye" luscious jackson - 90s crunchy touchy feely divine feminine radical vulnerability nonsense

"Come together" primal scream - these guys were kind of narrowly revolutionary in the 90s and i dont hear anybody under 40 talk abt them ever but i loooove the early 90s uk "what if classic rock was dance" shit that was happening with them and i guess kind of madchester?

"Obsession" animotion - this is the loud obnoxious goofy 80s pop hit all the other ones want to be. The boy-girl vocals are really fun BONUS the singers fell in love and are still married, go look up a recent performance of this song theyre so old and so horny for each other i love it

"The big sky" kate bush + "chains of love" erasure - two very different 80s pop classics, but i listen to them the same way, and frequently right after each other. I have a theory of art and fiction i call, for the moment, "mythological awareness." I use this to refer to work that knows what old folkloric/mythological/archetypal symbols and narratives and images it evokes. Work that knows that any love story is every love story, every mad scientist is a wizard and a shaman and a hacker as well. Kate is singing about the things we pay attention to as children and forget as adults, the sky is a marvel its easy to forget about because its there every day, but that doeant mean its any less a marvel. This might be the most straightforward u2-ish rock single bush ever put out, but it feels like shes marching at the head of an army of zeppelins and airplanes and rockets powered by the laughter of gods. Andy bell of erasure is singing about a fictionalized pre-aids era of gay utopia like its something that used to be real and can be real again if we all clap our hands. He details a world of "sisters and brothers" open to the pleasures of the world, fucking and loving and worrying about what theyll do for dinner rather than whether they can get into the hospital to watch their loved ones die. And over an unstoppable synthesizer bounce, falsetto floating over clouds of gospel-inflected backing vocals, you believe him. He could be talking about atlantis or hobbitton or erewhon or the greek age of heroes and he knows that, the halcyon past is a myth none of us can get away from, maybe we need to understand it and use it rather than disavow it. I was born years after both of these songs hit, and my parents didnt listen to either of these artists, so they come to me fresh and bright and veiled in the light obscuring mist of morning, for me and no one else (everyone else)

[pwblogarchive]

April 2011

April 13, 2011

Problems with my mail order bride

No holes in the box she didn't show up alive

Getting dirty in the places you always thought you'd keep so clean

Mix me in mono so I put you to fucking sleep

I got a machine soul

I keep you in boxes and lists

I don't worry about love

Or the weather

both barely exist

And both rarely resist

Dispatch helicopters

I accidentally got miserable

Black operations

Rome is for romans

Greek gods are dust, the romans are planets still infallible

Not devout but I feel blessed

Load a round of your problem solvers

Mass exodus of feelings from my chest

won't just make you surrender

Gonna Make you sing it to me

Can't seem to see the light but cover your eyes its shining through me

There's a box here but were simply not taking complaints

There are men in white with syringes carrying restraints

I'm a predator so I'm gonna make you pray

For the protection of your saints

I'm not trying to put an end to this

I'm just trying to get home

DONT YOU GET IT

(stop taking my picture stop asking me questions im on the bench heres my gun and my badge i quit the game)

I can see you're making eyes at this husk surrounding my heart

I can see through you and were sitting in the dark

Bird in a cage

Same as the bird on a perch

Only cause neither of them

Could ever know what they're worth

Love is like a dog

If its laying its best to let it sleep

Life is a case for my trophies

The world just never got me

Oh the controversy

I don't just want the girl with me

After life

I wanna take the whole world with me

Bury me wrapped in c four

My heart your heart

So when they explore

They get more than they're coming for

Fuck

POSTED BY XO AT 9:39 AM NO COMMENTS: 

April 22, 2011

so high and right.

he said they usually pull high and right.

my head goes numb.

he has been one of the most important figures in my life for a very long time. we met when i was fourteen in evanston- all he said was "do you write?". my outstanding response was "you mean like pen pals?". and so a friendship was born. it was steeped heavily in aerosol fumes and cutting holes in the fence at cta fix grounds in skokie. alot of boosting. at least one night or two for trespassing and vandalism of government property. one or two fanzines about friends we hated. a band or two. a single show in my parents basement. a gun, the only one id ever know, with no "bodies" on it. a dog. a tattoo in washington dc. and an eventual and untimely split. he forced me to look at the world differently. to find subversion where there seemed to be none. to see humanity in people many wouldnt consider human. to see art everywhere.

years later we crossed paths again. only now he speaks in hushed tones of the jungle of burma where he take photographs. he says if they pull the trigger you go low and left because they dont know how to use an assault rifle and usually pull high and right. he speaks of thinking he was poisoned as he fled another impoverished country in south east asia. i am again forced to rethink how i see the world. it is almost as he is meant to force the little good that is left in me. to steal my reason and remix how i think of the world.

thanks for being that friend.

POSTED BY XO AT 8:24 PM NO COMMENTS: 

April 22, 2011

Coming at me

Got hipsters guarding your body

There's no kingdom

Just a moat and some nobodies

Ahhh 'pity fuck the sick girl'

I'm not mad its just a mad world

Dollar days, french toast

Slip on shoes you mean the most

Killing myself

so im getting laid like a highschool quarterback

I wear painter denim

Got an aerosole mind

So its not my fault my feelings are plastic and crystalized

This is a confessional

I am not terrestrial

This is not my home planet

I don't care

You can have it

Sitting here lobbing tear gas

Riot mob trying to make these tears last

Fuck marry kill

That's not a question

I'm trying to keep still

but i quake

and sure of the years ive got more gray

but im still dorian

which means some of the bottles im pouring

from are more important

i burn hotter than you

(its not a metaphor)

my hearts like a stallion

people seem to just like it more broken

POSTED BY XO AT 8:34 PM NO COMMENTS: 

April 29, 2011

this isnt a rescue mission anymore.

they think of my heart like it was a stallion

they seem to like it the more its broken.

POSTED BY XO AT 11:05 PM 

[end-of-violence]

2023ラップ⑤

Veeze feat Luh Tyler & Rob49 / ATL Freestyle 1 & 2

BabyTron Ft. Los & Nutty, BG Javar, AK Bandmont, Glockboyz Teejaee, Krispylife Kidd, & Nuk / Coney Island

BabyTron Ft. G.T. & Cash Kidd / 90's Bulls

Peezy / Rich Steppers

42 Cheez X Icewear Vezzo / Water Boyz

Baby Smoove / Sidney

42 Dugg / SpinDatBac

GRINDHARD E x ATM ALEE x SHREDGANG HORSE / DRAG RACING

TpsEastsidewill feat. TpsJay / Throw It Back

Tadoe / Da Gloden One

Bandgang Lonnie Bands / Tears

Los and Nutty / The Reason

Certified Trapper / Chemone (Come On Yeah) Pt. 2

Lil Tony Official / Gun Smoke

PCF Jaey x Lil Tony / Bad Asf

Sexyy Red ft. Chief Keef / Bow Bow Bow (F My Baby Dad) (Glo-Mix)

YoungFootSoldier / Drag Szn

Youngfootsoldier / Federal

Skino / Smack Em

Lil Dude x Skino / Offense

KP Skywalka / Another Name Song

70th Street Carlos / Feeling Good

Fredo Bang / Act Like You Can't Think

Fredo Bang / Tag Me In

TEC / 4EVER LIKE THAT

DaBoii / Drop Pin

EBK Jublockshotta / Extra Petty

Kodak Black / 2'CY

SpliffJit / Dying breed

Hurricane Wisdom ft Wizz Havinn / Havinn It

Real Boston Richey & Woodboy Gee feat Wizz Havinn / Choose One

Tay Savage & Trigga500K / CLEARING THE AIR

Trigga500k / Havin Motion

BossMan Dlow Ft. Loe Shimmy / I4 Music

Real Boston Richey ft. YTB Fatt / The Type

アルバム

Baby Jamo / Backdoor Con Artist

Guap / Big 37

Guap / Rich Off Robberies

TrapHard Swagg / Sneaky Iverson

TrapHard Swagg / Retirement One

ST6 JodyBoof / Trapping & Shooting

Cruddy Marie / Hell of a Two

youngfootsoldier / Most Wanted

Yung Threat / Se Grim Reaper

3o$oma / The Cheat Code

Skino / BlackBox Music - EP

Skino / BlackBox Music 2 - EP

KP GRETZKY / Me & Krissy 2

KP SKYWALKA / Rhythm & Bip (Deluxe)

HavinMotion / Bang Music - EP

Lil Tony Official / 2 Sides 2 Every Story

Lil Tony Official / Let Me Fuck

Hariroc & Lil Tony Official / Swaggbaggs

The Paper Chasing Family / Pretty Hoes Love Pape

PCF Jaey / Seen Me Coming

PCF Jaey / Chasin Pape

Taz3dz / Gangsta Fever

Doddie Savage / B.Z.G

DoowopOfficial / Russian Roulette

Stacks Osama / Who Am I

Berner & OhGeesy / Trophies

E-40 / Rule of Thumb: Rule 1

Lil B / Winged Wheelchair Squad

Yhung Wayne & Yhung T.O. / Females On My Trapline - EP

Nef The Pharaoh / 4Eva The Pharaoh

DaBoii / No Bail

GS Ash, SSRich33 & SleezeteamK3 / 333

LulSnake / Free LulSnake

EBK madmaxx / Mad At the World

EBK Lulmaxx / Ty4fwm - EP

Lil Wet / What it iz, What it ain't

Bossman Dlow / 2 Slippery

Wizz Havinn / Super Wizz: The Sequel

G40 / Way Bigger

Gitt Swift / Interstate Music

Fly Chicken Family / Fly Chicken Family Vol.1

Wayne616 / GREASE FILES 2

Louie Ray / Lead by Example

YN Jay & RMC Mike / Drake & Josh 2 - EP

AK Bandamont / AK vs Everybody (Deluxe)

AK Bandamont / Bandit Mix 2 - EP

Damjonboi / Number 33

Baby Smoove / Young Rich Bastard

Big Jungle / Main Character Energy

Shaudy Kash / Smooth Operator

Shaudy Kash / Mr. Bitche$$$

Trdee / Early Mornings, Late Nights (Deluxe)

1Up Tee / Upper

Certified Trapper / Deep End

TpsEastsidewill / Twerk Something

Shawn Ferrari / Real Trapper 2

Valee, Top$ide & Trap-A-Holics

/ CAR TOONS

Rx Papi / My Name Is My Name

RXKNephew & Harry Fraud / LIFE AFTER NEPH

RXKNephew / Summer In Miami

RXKNephew / Shawty RXK Too 3

Kodak 2023

[lumen-tellus]

i got to be really fucking real for a hot second, but me making the orv-umineko-drk connections really made me figure out something i lowkey kinda always knew but really thinking about it now, at the very least, its much more obvious lol

i realised that those three things - rather, the messages inherent in orv, umineko, and the drk questline - are all the same.

at some point or the other, they all talk about love. specifically, love for oneself, sometimes through and with another, but at least it starts first by loving yourself.

and ive always known with drk quests and umineko, that message about love was very hard-hitting and made a strong impression on my scrambled eggs for brains when i first encountered the respective media - i loved that one of their core messages was about love and to try loving yourself, even when things are hard, even when you yourself think you can't be loved.

and now, i think the connection between orv and umineko is especially stronger, the two being far more similar even imo - because these two stories feature a person who wants to be loved but feels they cannot be loved because they perceive a fundamental flaw with themselves. and. because of that. would rather die. may even be happy to do so, depending on the circumstances.

my realization is very simple. it's easy to be impacted by their stories, to empathize with a person who wants to die bc they feel they shouldn't be alive, who thinks they have no worth while alive nor believes they can survive through the endless jungle called life, especially not alone or what they perceive as all by themselves. who knows how many times ive thought the same since i was a child, either very intensely or passingly when the mood strikes me.

and ofc, the kicker of all these stories about love - besides the hope that i myself can reverse that thinking and see worth in myself - is that, all these stories feature at least someone else (or yourself as a someone, but there's Someone) who loves you. who doesnt view you in terms of worth or even survivability but simply because they do. not a romantic love though that's possible—it's simply pure love for another person, another existence.

the abstract idea that you're not alone and you can be loved, be given the love to continue through the perils of the world. the promise of a happy ending for someone who can't even dream of their own happiness.

ive noticed for a long time now, even in my own daydreams with my silly little ocs and whatnot, i can't think of a conclusion. not just a good, happy conclusion, but often even bad conclusions are hard for me to visualize bc a conclusion is supposed to end. but i can't even imagine that - imaginary plots are ultimately a continuous spiral of worse and worse to my blorbos, and even when i try to keep it short, to terminate it, i can't find a spot. bc if they stay dead, that's not satisfactory, but letting them live leads to an eternal suffering of one thing after now.

i try to imagine perfectly happy endings and while a part of me enjoys them, the rest of me would feel disgruntled - the idea of things ending with a perfectly tied bow didn't make logical sense to me, even after trials and tribulations and whatnot that id imagine in my daydreams. it should be that way, shouldn't it? the characters going through a great many things and then settling into a well-deserved rest. i do imagine a great many things and i do think they deserve a peaceful end.

and yet, in spite of how perfectly fine that is on paper, im not satisfied with it. even tho it should end kindly. it would be nice if it ends kindly.

a person who wants to die, while desiring that complete and utmost and hopefully peaceful end, doesn't necessarily think it will solve anything. it just ends things. there are regrets and hopes that lead us to want an out, but those regrets won't be resolved and those hopes will not be granted through that great and final escape. all the luggage gets left behind, even. and you won't even be there to try sorting it out anymore.

what a mess i would leave behind, i would think at times, though that doesn't stop the concept from being tempting regardless.

if i try to imagine a happy ending in some fanciful daydream, it's hard to imagine that the regrets and hopes of everyone involved will be adequately dealt with. even if i want to, because wanting doesn't translate into a can do it.

which is why the happy endings of other stories talking about love, that insist on it, saying in spite of all that, are so impactful imo. here is a happy ending that, at the very least, shows the possibility for being to resolve regrets and grant hopes.

it's a promise that can be easily broken by whatever reality twists itself to be. but it's a promise nonetheless.

[collecting-stories]

In My Head - Topper Thornton

Request: Im on such a Topper kick right now 🤪 and after listening to WAP on repeat (lmao it’s such a bop I can’t help myself 😂) id love to see something about topper and maybe Rafe too always admiring a care free, pogue reader from a distance and never having the heart to be “Kook”ish to them 🥺

A/N: I wasn’t exactly sure if this was what you wanted but this was just kinda where I went with it. 

Outer Banks Masterlist

✰ ✰ ✰ ✰

In the back of his mind, Topper was more than aware that he was being an absolute creep. You only knew him to see him yet here he was, standing by the stairs watching you dance with someone while he sipped at the jungle juice in his cup, hoping that some kind of liquid courage would transfer from the cup to his body. He doubted that though, it’d probably be like every other party that you showed up at and he wouldn’t do more than prop up the wall.  

If it was anyone else in the world Rafe would’ve been busting him for being such a loser and not just talking to you. Some convoluted pep talk about how he was Topper Thornton and he could get anyone he fucking wanted, including you, but Topper was pretty sure that even Rafe knew that wasn’t true in this instance. You were too good for him, hell, you were too good for most of the people on this island if not all of them. The touron you were talking to cracked a joke that you rolled your eyes at and Topper smirked behind his cup. Good, he thought, knock the kid down a peg. In was in that moment that you turned your head, eyes meeting Topper’s when he wasn’t fast enough to look away and you smiled.  

God, you smiled. He felt like he was in sixth grade or something. Trying to overcompensate for braces or his gangly appearance and sweating buckets every time he was put on the spot. All that from a smile. He wanted to cheer and hide at the same time. It was the stupidest crush and he was acting like he was in some kind of fucking Nicholas Sparks book but oh my god you were walking over to him.  

“Hey,” you shifted as someone walked passed, stepping closer to Topper and licking your lips as your eyes met his, “do you wanna dance?”

It was a handout, a giant neon sign flashing in his brain that this was the moment, you were giving him all your attention, looking at him like there wasn’t anyone else at the party and you wanted to dance with him. And couldn’t he just imagine that, bodies pressed against each other, sweaty in the warm living room of the kook house that was hosting the party. His hands on you, holding your hips, fingers brushing against the exposed skin of your abdomen, where your shirt ended and your shorts started. His eyes ran down your body again, a quick look that you caught anyhow, smiling at him.  

You had heard about the breakup between Sarah and Topper. It was the talk of every circle, kook and pogue alike. You knew the chances of Topper even looking your way were slim to none but you took the opportunity when it arose. Call you crazy but you’d always had a thing for the kook and now that Sarah Cameron was occupying her time with John B there was nothing stopping you from making a move.  

“Earth to Top,” you teased, waving a hand in front of his face as he seemed to zone out. “You wanna dance?”

“Dancing isn’t really my thing.” He said before he could stop himself. As the words rolled off his tongue though he wanted to scream. Finally, finally here you are right in front of him and he couldn’t even say the right thing.

“What is then?” You asked, determined not to let him slip away.  

“What?” He looked slightly dumbfounded. Were you really still interested?  

“Dancing isn’t your thing, so what is?” You repeated, “beer pong, I saw Rafe in the other room doing coke, though I think I’ll skip that one, or whatever,” you shrugged, tugging at the hem of your shorts.  

“I uh,” Topper looked away from you for a moment, glancing down into his nearly empty cup, “I could use a refill.”

He wanted to kick himself in the mouth every time he spoke. He’d never been this stupid around someone before though you didn’t seem to notice as you walked into the kitchen just ahead of him, Topper’s eyes straying down your body again, watching the way your skin glistened in the fluorescent light of the kitchen.  

You leaned across the counter, grabbing a cup from the stack and bending so Topper got a nice view of your ass. Being shameless was working for you, it was worth it to keep it up. You stood back up straight, holding your cup out to him and he took it, filling it with the blue jungle juice.

“Kelce made it so it’s strong,” Topper warned as you took a sip.

“Oh god...” You choked out after taking a gulp, the alcohol burning your throat as it went down. “That’s a lot.”

“Like I said,” he laughed, leaning against the counter next to you. He racked his brain for anything mildly intelligent to say, something that would convince you that he was funny and cool and worth knowing. That would have you wanting to know him not just as someone you could point out in a crowd but someone you actually knew, hung out with, maybe more but he was trying not to be greedy. “So, hanging with kooks tonight?”  

You rolled your eyes and laughed, “this isn’t gonna turn into a kook vs pogue thing is it? I think I’m being plenty friendly. You’re really gonna hound me for crashing a party?”

“No, no, sorry. I just meant, you didn’t come with anyone.”  

“How do you know?”

“I saw you come in and you were dancing with some random touron.” He replied, the filter that would’ve usually kept any weird comments at bay seemingly vanished in your presence.  

“Creeping on me Topper?” You laughed.  

“No, I just...noticed.”

“Well, you’re right. I came here alone.” You replied, taking another sip of the god-awful concoction Kelce had made, “though, I did come here hoping to see someone.”  

“Oh yeah?” He felt himself turning into that twelve-year-old again. Stuck in the middle of a spin the bottle circle, sweating as he hoped it spun the right way and he didn’t end up kissing someone he hated. “Who’s that?”  

You shrugged, looking so at ease with yourself that Topper would’ve never guessed that you were freaking out on the inside too. Now or never, the moment of truth, and not nearly enough jungle juice in your system to get you motivated for this. “You.”

“Me.” The word repeated itself in his brain. Me, me, me... “me, right, cool. Uh, me.”

“So, stalker, what do you say we partake in an activity that is definitely my thing?” You suggested, smiling at the way he licked his lips nervously, eyes narrowing slightly as he tried to put together your sentence.  

“Oh, yeah...okay,” he nodded dumbly as you grabbed his hand, leading him back into the congested living room, stairs in sight. You would have to thank Sarah Cameron for letting such a good thing go.  

-

taglist: @maplelattes22 @poguesrforlife  @freckled-and-daydreaming  @chasefreakinstokes @millie-753 @fangirlwithme @alex12948 @katherine097 @tangledinsparkles @carbonated-beverage @mariofgreengables @damonsalvawhore27 @dopedoodes @dolanfivsosxox @belledutchess @poguelifeeee @faded-blue @parkerpetertingle @thebookwormlife @summer-clouds-and-long-days @jellyfishbeansontoast @minigranger @hoewkeye @love-someone-special @tiredfeels @strangerthanfanfiction713 @the-only-nana @tomzfrog @mozz-are-lla @vindictive-hearts @poguestyleskye @ssprayberrythings @jenahbell @beautyandthebleh @gothackedalready @teenwaywardasgardian @sarahcxmeron @haha-fuck-you-thot @stillbelieve398-5 @rewindlr @queenniccimicci @kissessforharryyy @thedarkqueenofavalon @alytavzla @bqmblebee @linniep @nerdypartytrashpsychic @xxchxrryxx @spencer-reid-is-a-cutie @mirjanak @danielladreaming @obx-saltlife @youngestxhearts @spnobsessedmemes @wowitswondergurl @celestialmaybank @mybnkjj @pineappleandcherries @mysterious-adventurer @justawilddreamerchild @rhyetaylor62 @calm-rejects @balletandyuzu @oh-annaa @aiifandomsunite @x-lulu @ceruleanjj @wicked-laugh @obxwriterfan @allie-mcginn @pcterparxer @literarycharleton @khiaraaa-in-spacee @crushe-s @teamnick @daydreamlilys @collectiveuniverses @activist-af @mdgrdians @buckys-sunflower @vindictive-hearts @copper-boom @talksoprettyjjx @5am-cigarette @smiithys @dontjinx-it @outerbanksbro @mysticsthinking @heavenlymama @louisolos  @rudy-pankow-needs-an-oscar @babymatilda @raekenliar @lemur46 @haute-shawn @calums-betch

[counterpunches]

End (Beginning Movement)

Fandom: The Haunting of Bly Manor Pairing: Dani Clayton/Jaime Taylor Rating: T Wordcount: 4,137 Note: all the thanks to the incredible @foomatic for being a fantastic beta and even better friend. so much so that she actual recorded herself reading the story to help ID and fix all the tenses to make it coherent and then just straight up turned it into a podfic set to the show's musical score. Its way cooler than I ever thought it'd be, so feel free to please check it out here

Summary: If standing silently and bearing witness was all Jamie could do, she gladly took the weight of it if it meant one less thing for Dani to carry. Jamie coiled it tight back into herself and created her own waiting, lurking beast. Jamie was quiet with her rage for a while, until she was shaking with it. Until it threatened to explode out of her skin like a bomb and she wouldn’t ever - ever - let Dani come close to the shrapnel. Instead she was the steady rock that Dani needed and imploded later, somewhere else, somewhere safe. She just wanted to fucking break something. Couldn’t get her hands on the Lady, couldn’t pull her out of Dani, so she had to find the next best thing.

Also on AO3 

It was easy, Jamie thought, as her head pounded and temple throbbed. 

Well, not so much now, at this moment, with a hangover thundering out a pulse on the timpani of her skull as she clung to the toilet like a lover in the night. Every joint and muscle aches, a combination of sleeping half slumped over in the bathroom, age, and the consequences of booze. She leans back with a groan, back twinging, shoulders popping, and as nausea roils, takes a few deep breaths to settle her stomach. Evidently spending the rest of last night praying to the porcelain god didn’t buy her any grace today.

But in general, it was easier, spending the night chasing the bottom of a pint glass, in a way nothing else was these days. Christ, even breathing was hard. Been hard since the day her lungs fought for surface despite her best intentions. Been burning with it, since, taking in air in a world that Dani Clayton no longer existed in. 

The water refused to take her, so she’d found another way to drown. 

So yeah. It was easy, sliding into bad habits like an forgotten favorite jacket. A glass of wine became a bottle. What was one or two nights to forget against a million more? A bottle quickly became too slow. Why waste time, Jamie thought, chasing one cup after another? Best to jump straight to the hard stuff, then.

Jamie never beat around the bush before, seemed no point in starting now, her bluntness having been softened over the years by Dani’s love. The very edges of her ebbed into the waters of an ocean that was no longer there. Jamie was parched. She was so thirsty. So she drank. 

Wrong kind of love can fuck you up. Right one can, too. 

Just as bad, really. 

Worse, if you’re lucky. 

Love and possession may be opposites, but Jamie had given her heart away a long time ago and she didn’t know how to keep it beating when it was no longer hers. Everything she was had already been given over to Dani. Given eagerly. Freely. Like all things best loved are. And that’s the thing about a freed thing, isn’t it? Doesn't come back just because you want it to. Just because you miss it.

This part of her - it isn’t peaceful, Dani had said. And Jamie had understood. 

Understood in blood and bone, in the way something so small and insignificant can snap. Remembers how rage can end with kneeling in a rain-soaked alleyway, groaning from an ass kicking she probably deserved, probably was searching for, blood trickling down from a split eyebrow. Remembered how she grimaced, the twinge in her ribs matching the bitter taste of metal in her mouth, but it’d hurt and there was a sick measure of comfort in that; making part of the world match the brokenness inside her. 

So yeah. She knew rage. Recognized it. Hated that something so ugly and angry and raw resided inside of Dani, something that couldn’t possibly exist naturally - there wasn’t an atom of that kind of violence in Dani’s body. She wouldn’t give into the wrath, Jamie knew even then, in the cradle of knowing her. Dani would never. And the unfairness of her having to suffer through the struggle of it anyway made the part of Jamie that resonated in recognition with Viola burn. 

It’s you. It’s me. It’s us, the rage said, taunting her through the fissures of Dani’s struggle.

It was all she could do to hold it in that day, her teeth cracking under the weight of it, in the horrible quiet of the room as Dani confessed. As she gave voice to the terrible truth that now resided in her. She’s waiting, Dani had whispered. If standing silently and bearing witness was all Jamie could do, she gladly took the weight of it if it meant one less thing for Dani to carry. Jamie coiled it tight back into herself and created her own waiting, lurking beast. 

And Jamie knew from past experience that the only way to control the beast was to let it out of captivity from time to time. To let the monster run wild and exhaust itself so she could wrestle it back into the cage. 

The rage festered. Jamie felt it rumbling deep in her chest.

So when Dani finally left the room with a shaky determination (“Better find out what those kids are getting up to,"), Jamie knew she had to let it breathe.

No one would remember where the dent in the wall came from. It was chalked up as an accident, caused by one of the many pieces of furniture having knocked into things on its way out to the moving truck. Jamie had to hold in the scream that broiled inside and searched for a safer place for it to land.

She still had to walk by that fucking lake to get to the greenhouse. 

Under cover of the potted sanctum, Jamie let loose the beast. Anger clawed, scratching out her throat. The greenhouse was excellent at absorbing sound, plants and leaves shaking with the echoes of her cries, and if Jamie’s voice seemed a little hoarse, it was easy enough to blame it on something else. Easy enough, to explain away her split knuckles on mis-gauging the distance while bringing one of the heavier boxes outside. Or scraping it against some gravel. Or anything other than slamming her fist into the wall again and again and again. 

It was new though, needing to find ways to hide it from Dani. Never had to hide it from anyone before. She used to display her beast proudly, a mark of pride that said ‘don’t fuck with us.’ Didn’t have to hide her beast in prison, either. Everyone had one of their own; it was why they’d all ended up there in the first place. More than a few learned how to deal with it in therapy. Jamie tamed hers in the jungle of a garden.

Not a single part of her looked in the rear view mirror as they drove away. Would never have stopped the truck if it could’ve kept Dani safe. So she did what little she could do. All the fear, the terror that already threatened to split Dani further in two, the new shell of a person Dani had to live with, Jamie took it from her. Buried it deep within herself, felt it so that Dani wouldn’t have to. Drew out the poison from Dani’s soil and into her own roots.

And then, in her most private moments - few and far between, really, for there was nothing unshared between them - Jamie let out the venom, the resentment, the fury, that she collected. Outrage that the world dared spin, indifferent to the unfairness of it all. 

She just wanted to fucking break something. Couldn’t get her hands on the Lady, couldn’t pull her out of Dani, so she had to find the next best thing.

Viola was quiet in her rage. Jamie wasn’t with hers. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. She was, for a while, at least.  

That first year was full of small moments: the way Dani’s shoulders would never fully relax, tension rarely leaving her body, even in sleep. How she kept looking over her shoulder at rest stops and gas stations, as if the Lady were a drifter, following them on the highways, across states, through the unfolding ribbon of their adventure. Jamie found she could cover up those incidents with the smug satisfaction of having bested the unavoidable for another day. Another week. Another month.

Her demon was dormant for a good long while, in the solace of Dani’s love. Dormant like Viola’s fucking ghost, it turned out. Things were so good for so long, it almost seemed to purr, content in it’s hibernation.

Jamie’s beast woke with a sudden and curious start, after that night in the kitchen after Paris. Started to sniff, hungry for any little scrap. Found too many for comfort - the way Dani started to wake up earlier, as if perhaps she hadn’t slept at all; how it would take her just a moment longer to turn off the water; the times Jamie had to repeat Dani’s name until she jerked, as if suddenly finding herself transported somewhere new - it began pacing in its cage, hungry now, banging on the bars.

Jamie was quiet with her rage for a while, until she was shaking with it. Until it threatened to explode out of her skin like a bomb and she wouldn’t ever - ever - let Dani come close to the shrapnel. Instead she was the steady rock that Dani needed and imploded later, somewhere else, somewhere safe. 

She could see how close to the edge Dani was, on some days. How it seemed even the barest breeze would blow her from herself entirely, leaving an empty, unblinking husk behind. It was all Jamie could do to steer her back from the cliff each time. 

Jamie had to coax Dani back to the world, breathe life into her lips some mornings as she stared into the ceiling, eyes open and blank; her very own Sleeping Beauty. Each time it felt like a kiss goodbye. Stay with me. Please. Come back to me. A miracle, when she did, even if Dani slipped further and further away each time like a boat on the horizon. Jamie would stroke her face with trembling hands, afraid even the gentlest touch would cause the delicate thing to disintegrate beneath the pads of her fingers. 

Dani always came first. Even as Jamie’s own creature grew stronger and louder, she held it in. Found controlled environments to let it run wild.

There was something oddly comforting about the alleyway. There’s a familiar landscape all back alleys share - brick, concrete,  dumpster, a car or two, usually a fair amount of scattered garbage, and the near ubiquitous empty, overturned storage crates used by the weary for smoke breaks or breakdowns of all shapes and sizes - an alley was an alley was an alley. 

The only thing that marked it as theirs was a few hanging ferns on the corner of the doorway. Something to signal the threshold, announce the life bursting and growing just inside. Something growing in the barren landscape of a back alley. Something to remind a younger Jamie of what could lie on the other side, if she stood long enough to reach up for it. 

So she destroyed things in the alleyway. When the cruelty of the matter absolutely broke her - when Jamie had to sew the fraying pieces of Dani back together because Viola was slowly pulling the seams of her apart; when she desperately scooped handfuls of Dani even as she was slipping through her fingers like sand - Jamie would break something else. 

Jamie took her rage, and smashed it against the brick or asphalt in a shower of pottery in the alleyway. Pots, planters, saucers, she grabbed damaged items from the shop and broke them even further, until her chest heaved and panted from the effort of it in the shards under her feet. When the alley wasn’t a possibility and her screams of frustration and the clatter of smashing ceramic would would threaten to draw Dani out from the thinning fragility of their life together, Jamie would punch bags of soil in the storage room until the they burst, earth pouring to the floor, and leaving her standing in a shallow grave of her own making.  

Nothing to hide, once Dani is gone.

Easier to get lost in the anger, and Jamie let it consume her like an uncontrolled blaze until nothing but ash remained. Fitting, she thought, for the daughter of a coal miner. It came to claim her, pulling her into itself, not to grow, not to nourish, but to press her into something that burned. And oh, she burned. 

It would scare her, she thought, that she hadn’t changed. In all this time, in all these years, underneath the layers of soil and earth, below the roots, the same creature lurked in the dirt of Jamie’s own jungle. A monster that threatened to take her too. That she wished would. A demon of wrath and anger. Of pain and suffering and the shit end of the stick every time. 

Despite the years, despite the love and relative calm that settled over her life - since gardening, since Dani - she was still the same enraged, lost, thing. Every living thing comes from every dying thing and it’s natural and she knows that but what she didn’t understand is how to keep living when the core of you is already dead; how was it possible for these two things to co-exist at once. The impossibility of the thing. The decaying mortality. This unholy living. Feels unnatural. 

Jamie couldn’t breathe. She couldn't, she couldn’t-

And there, there it was. Specks of dried toothpaste on the mirror. It shouldn’t have been the thing to undo her. After all, it could’ve been hers or Dani’s. But it could have been. Dani’s. Such a casual, mundane thing - a flick of the wrist, rinsing off the toothbrush, spitting into the drain - leaving behind a stain. A mark. Something to be thoughtlessly wiped off and cleaned later, leaving no sign it had once been there. No indication someone had been there at all. No impression of a life built together, their hips casually leaning against one another while flossing, or the yelp of surprise at the shock of cold water after flushing the toilet while the other is in the shower. The apology that came after, sliding through the shower curtain to make it up to them, a tongue sliding into the folds of their ear, hands slipping down to the folds of thighs, into slicks of wet and warm. The absolute mess on the floor afterwards of errant water sloshing out the tub. 

The tub. 

The floor. 

The water that had taken them both. The water that refused to take Jamie. 

Not the water, she corrected. Dani. Dani, who refused to take Jamie along on one last adventure. Do you want company? She had asked, all those years ago. Can I walk by your side? Will you take me with you?

And there it was - her beast - clawing up her spine, smashing with a roar into the mocking mirror pane. Again she roared, again she cried, until a dozen fractured shards were all that was left of the toothpaste, left of Jamie’s broken heart, all that was left of Dani. Again and again she struck the mirror until the pain from her bleeding knuckles pulled her out of it and she sank, depleted, sobbing on the floor. 

So she drank.

And got into more than a few fights while she was at it. Needed a better opponent than flower pots and dirt, though - she’d already destroyed a decent part of the shop. She needed something to twist her fists into, something that would punch back, something that would make her hurt. 

When she drove home, she’d try to ignore the voice in her head that sounded so much like Dani (“You could kill somebody, Jamie. Jesus!”) she almost veered off the road looking at the passenger’s side.

Left the fucking mirror in the bathroom where it was, a broken and half empty self-portrait. Tossed the glass in the bin and swept it away where the edges of a life that no longer existed wouldn’t cut her. Pleased there was nothing to look at getting ready in the mornings, nothing to catch her eye stepping out of the shower, nothing to reflect. Nothing to look at. Nothing at all. 

And so it stayed as the weeks wore on. The medicine cabinet pulled open for badly needed aspirin after a particularly rough night or tougher morning, band-aids for the cuts on her knuckles, no mirror on the outside to mock the bruises on her cheek or the split eyebrow from what might have been a night of bad choices but were the only ones that seem to make sense anymore. 

The only thing that helped ease the ever-throbbing, dull ache from every corner of her heart was to press the hurt. A walking bruise, Jamie desperately sought solace to cauterize the bleeding wound of loss.

The less Jamie had to look herself in the eye for it, the better.

Which left her here: waking up on the bathroom floor, slouched over the toilet, curls of hair plastered on her cheek from a substance she can only assume to be last night’s dried vomit.

Left here, on the bathroom floor, as empty and hollow as Dani had been in what turned out to be her final few days.

Left here, left behind. 

If Jamie squints, she can almost see the glimmer of Dani, twinkling like fairy lights on the tile. 

But the longer Jamie sits there, legs growing numb from her cramped position, the sparkle doesn’t go away. Matter of fact, it starts to get annoying. She swats at it, trying to suffer her grief and hangover in peace.

She pulls her hand back with a hiss. The light has an edge to it. It bites. 

A piece of the shattered mirror. Must’ve been there for weeks now, having fallen behind the toilet, forgotten. Jamie holds it carefully, staring at the broken reflection of her face for a long time. Stares until it stares back. Until the beast, she realizes finally, the one who has stalked her her whole life, has quietly slinked away. She listens for it - the telltale heat of it simmering just under her skin. But she doesn’t feel anything.

The unfairness of it all remains. But there’s something else in the emptiness, she realizes.

Dani. 

There’s a chance - far fucking fetched, she knows - but a chance that maybe, just maybe, the emptiness will stare back. And it will look like someone she loved. Loves, she corrects. Loving Dani will always be in the present. Jamie, crumpled on the floor, bleeding from an aching heart, will always be surrounded by the ghost of Dani. Haunted by a life built and shared and grown. A life taken. Cut short. A leafling, snipped from the vine at the most beautiful stage of maturation. Haunted, sure. But not alone. Something to be said for the chance that Dani will appear. 

Jamie will be haunted by Dani for the rest of her days regardless, she knows, phantom or no. Might as well wait, Jamie thinks wryly, got a lot to tell her off for. 

She spent more than a few years living with ghosts, anyway. Only difference is, this time she’ll be aware of it. Besides, no one else she’d rather be haunted by. It was Dani forever. Said as much herself that day in the shop. I’ve got a problem, Poppins. Dani would always be it for her. And some problems can’t be fixed. Can only sit and learn to live with them like old friends. 

So Jamie scrapes herself off the floor. She shuffles to the kitchen to grab the broom and sweeps the broken pieces of the last few broken months into the bin, cautious of the edges this time. 

She gets dressed. Puts away the bottles. Collects the half-eaten take out containers and napkins that litter the apartment. Takes out the trash. Waters the plants. Prunes the dead leaves. Repots herself and let her roots overcome the shock of replanting, remembering the work of living. 

Drives to the hardware store and buys a replacement panel for the bathroom. Mounts it in the frame, reverently touching the mirror’s edges. Because if there’s a chance, even a single chance - weeks, months, years from now - that Jamie’s personal ghost will come back to haunt her, she doesn’t want to miss a second of it. Doesn’t want to risk being too drunk, face down in a toilet somewhere, too angry to remember seeing Dani’s face. Doesn’t want Dani seeing that. 

Doesn’t want it all to be for nothing, hiding her secret beast for all those years. Having worked so hard to make sure Dani never saw that part of her, the one who went wild and feral, hissing and clawing at the world and it’s indifference. Never wanted to let her beast get close to Dani, close enough to scratch. Not Dani, who struggled so hard to keep tame her own demons. 

She’d be a rather shit wife if she started now. Just because Dani was gone doesn’t mean Dani wouldn’t see. 

Doesn’t mean it’s easy though, either. It’s hard. Hardest fucking thing she’s ever done, since pulling herself out of that lake when all she had wanted to do was drown in it. That wasn’t difficult, that was instinct. This will be a choice. Every day, for the rest of her life, will be a choice. One she has to make again and again. 

Jamie longingly traces the pair of earrings lazily forgotten, left out on top of the dresser, in a bygone act of normalcy to be left now in memoriam, and pulls out one of Dani’s favorite shirts from the drawer, that awful slinky pink one that snagged on every last thorn and branch in the shop. Pretty in love with you, it turns out. Inhaled. Breathed in every last atom of Dani until her lungs were trembling with her. She slid the shirt on like armor and prayed the delicate fabric would be strong enough to help withstand the weight of the world ahead.

She took a few steps to the bathroom, turned on the faucet, and did battle with the first night of the rest of her life. Let the sink fill, stared at the water, and took a deep breath. 

It took years for Dani to see the Lady. They were grateful for it then - relieved, actually, that they managed to get so much time. But now, all Jamie wants is for the haunting to come quickly. Do you want company? 

For a long time, all Jamie Taylor wanted to do was forget. Forget Lancashire, forget the taunts, the sound of banging, of Louise’s girlish flirting, Mikey’s crying. Forget the whirl of sirens, the creak of a door opening in the dead of night, a weight dipping on the bed next to her. Forget London, forget prison, forget her, forget all of it. Forget Bly, forget the Lady, forget Viola was ever a dark spot to stain the bright garden of their life. She drank thirstily, fought desperately, all to forget the pain, forget that Dani was gone, was never coming back, and that she doesn’t remember how to be Jamie without Dani by her side.

Except now, she realized, on the off-chance Dani’s face would stare back in the mirror or from beneath the water, she wanted to see every last line, every curve of her face. If that meant suffering the empty, aching, endless days to do so, then so be it.

It’s you. It’s me. It’s us, she’d screamed to the Lady, to the hatred inside both of them, the fury that stormed stronger than death. 

But after the flames expunge and the coals cool, Jamie remembers now, there’s more than just rage in the quiet parts. There’s patience. Love. Kindness. That things grow with just a little bit of water. A little, instead of all at once. 

Water can give life, not just take it away. 

It was easy to forget that small truth when the waves crashed and swept her below, unable to gain footing before another came crashing down and pulled her under. She did it once, on her own, in her youth and loneliness. She can learn how to do it again; to exist in stillness and quiet without Dani. A little, instead of all at once. 

She lets loving Dani warm instead of burn. Like a comforting hearth beckoning the weary home. 

She ran her fingers along the cool porcelain of the sink, reverently, as if it were Dani’s skin she was touching; Dani’s face she was caressing; Dani, she was loving. 

Jamie takes a deep, shuddering breath, and looks up. Squares her shoulders, baring all of herself to the mirror, forces herself to look.

She’ll wait forever if she has to. 

But first, just one night. 

Beautiful things worth loving and tending to can bloom at night; under the blanket of darkness, there’s still life. And if she keeps pouring all her love and effort into it, maybe one day it’ll all make sense. She can see where it goes.

[gabbysdawsons]

6-12 for Cody for the OC ask game!!

6: Describe your OC’s love life.

Cody Skipton has rotten luck when it comes to love. That’s really all there is to it.

She’s also not really sure love is real, mostly because of said bad luck, and he’s lead to some commitment issues on her end.

also, her previous boyfriend, Wes, fucking sucks. He is just the absolute Worst.

7: Describe your OC’s fashion sense.

she’s very practical because she has to be. She can’t wear anything shiny around the dinosaurs since it might distract them—so no jewelry. She lives in Central America so generally she’s in shorts and a tank top when she’s not at work.

really, she’s always dressed like she could go hiking at any moment. her backpack is full of supplies too, just in case.

8: Describe one of your OC’s bad habits.

she chews on her lip so often it bleeds. Like she has a scar there because of how often she chews at it. She really needs to stop, but it’s a habit she has while she’s thinking.

9: Your OC is having a nightmare. What is it?

ooooo. okay so before the events of Jurassic World Cody didn’t really think she could have nightmares; even after she fell into the raptor enclosure she spent more time awake and thinking about it than she spent dreaming about it.

after Jurassic World however, it’ll be a miracle if she gets more than a couple hours of sleep every night because her dreams are always of the island. All the blood and carnage she saw in the jungle, watching the T-Rex and velociraptors kill the Indominous; getting attacked by Blue. It’s all just a horrible mess in her subconscious.

10: You are conducting a ritual. What 5 items would you need to summon your OC?

a stale bag of trail mix—the kind with M&Ms, a Jurassic World staff ID pass, some sand, the leather bracelet she always wears, and a bottle of blue Gatorade.

11: What does your OC want for their birthday?

hugs! nah she would want any kind of outdoor gear or anything related to dinosaurs. and I mean anything.

12: What does your OC give another OC for their birthday?

she gives James an actual underwater camera for her birthday because she knows how much she loves studying coral.

[ewgoals]

Phoenix (1)

Chapter one- 1985

1985 

Word count- 7,621 

Trigger warnings- Drug Use, Cursing, Racist slurs,smoking,underage drinking,fighting, underage sex mentioned, cult themes.

A/N: This is Chapter one of Phoenix, please let me know how you are feelings about this. I am very excited for this, also did you catch the reference or am I too old haha. This isn’t how Harry lost his virginity it’s how the person this book is based off did.

Tatianna Deluca was born on September 24th,1968; She was the fifth child born to Agina and Benito Deluca. Agina and Benito were both immigrants coming to America when they met. Agina Chernyshevsky was born on January 15th, 1942; in Moscow, Russia, she was the only girl born into three boys. Agina’s parents sent her and her brothers to America in 1958, wanting to make sure their children had the best life they could, Agina lived with an aunt for a little while until she met Benito Deluca. Benito Deluca was born on July 18th, 1940, in Venice, Italy. 

Benito was the youngest boy of six boys; the family left Italy when Benito was 16. Benito worked various jobs through New York until he finally settled on a restaurant in Brooklyn, New York. Agina and Benito met in 1958 when Agina went into the restaurant wanting to try a New York pizza for the first time, Benito loved the thick Russian accent that the short young woman had plus Agina had a beauty like no other with her bright blonde and stunning green eyes and olive skin. Benito was hooked; what he didn’t know was that Agina had pretty similar feelings towards the man as well. Agina could feel herself falling in love with his bright blue eyes and dark hair; he kind of reminded her of old blue eyes himself, Frank Sinatra. Benito finally got the courage to get to ask Agina onto a date after she came into the restaurant for the sixth time that week, Agina agreed with no looking back. Benito and Agina were married on July 15th,1959. 

Agina and Benito went on to have their first child a few months later, on May 6th, 1960. Agina and Benito both weren’t very fluid with English, so they often talked to their children in either Russian or Italian, depending on which parent they were speaking with, often relying on American music and American Television to teach their children English. All of the children quickly picked up the third language and found almost comfort in music, which led the oldest five to take up an instrument. 

Tatianna growing up was a devout catholic just like her family, they would wake up at 6 am just to make it to mass at 7 am. Tatianna would often spend her time in church making fun of her brother’s in the tuxes they would wear, but they would often make fun of the dress their sister would be forced to wear. The kid’s parents would often slap them behind the head to make them stop talking. As Tatianna became more involved in church life, the woman began singing for the choir. She would often be given the parts, where she was hitting high notes and long notes. The young girl was 15 when a record executive saw her singing in the choir and asked her parents if she could join the small girl group he wanted to create, the parents knew that their daughter wanted to be a singer, so they quickly agreed. 

May, 1985

Tatianna was moved to Los Angeles, California. When she was 17 after her parents gave her older brother Illya temporary custody of the young woman, Tatianna wasn’t really into the music, the girl group which now went by the name “through thick and thin”  she hated it. They were a typical pop group whose songs were written by other people and had no real heart behind them. Tatianna would often tell her brother about it, but she didn’t want to bother him too much, so she would often keep it inside her. 

Tatianna was sitting in the studio as the girls were recording their new album. She was getting sick of listening to this girl Ashley sing the same line repeatedly because she was often flat with her delivery of the line. “I’m going for a walk. I’ll be back in like an hour,” the producer just nodded as the woman grabbed a pack of cigarettes and left. She was walking around sunset blvd; she was like a kid in a candy store. The woman loved all of the stories coming out of this strip, and the bands that played here we what she wanted to be, Tatianna shook her head as she lit another cigarette standing across the street from the famous Troubadour. 

Tatianna remembered reading a magazine a few years back where the Rolling Stones called in one of the world’s best rock clubs; she was taken out of her thoughts by something hitting her. The woman gasped as she felt the front of her being covered in liquid “what the fuck” the woman’s thick New York accent mixed heavily with a Russian one, especially when she was angry. “I’m so sorry,” an English accent spoke before Tatianna sighed a little as she helped the young boy up “it’s fine, I guess I was to blame too. I wasn’t paying attention” the boy nodded as he said “where are you from because that doesn’t sound like anything I’ve ever heard” the woman just smiled as she spoke, “I’m from Brooklyn, but my mother is from Russia, so it comes out more when I am yelling I am Tatianna by the way.” 

The boy nodded as she finished, “Oh, sorry. I’m Harry” The woman just smiled a little curly-haired boy in front of her as she laughed a little “well, Harry, I wish I could say it was nice to meet you. Still, you kinda ruined my shirt” Harry laughed a little as he looked down at the woman’s outfit, she was wearing a pair of high waisted leather pants that she paired with a crop top of the musician Elton John before Harry quickly dug into his pockets and pulled out a twenty-dollar bill. He handed it to the woman. “Here that should replace it,” the woman shook her hand as she pushed his hand backNo,o. you are a baby, keep your money. I’ll just make my brother give me his” Harry raised an eyebrow as he quickly came back with, “I’m not a baby. I am fifteen.” 

Tatianna laughed as she smiled “you are a baby. I have a little brother just your age.” the man shook his head as he said, “I’m not arguing this. You are wrong” Harry said stubbornly before Tatianna just laughed “here how about this I have to go back to the studio to record some stupid ass songs that I can’t stand why don’t you pay me back by keeping me company because my brother even bailed on me today.” 

Harry smiled as he nodded ‘Just let me call my mom and tell her” as soon as the word’s left his mouth, Tatianna laughed “see a baby” Harry looked down as he shouted “okay you win that” Tatianna laughed as she lit another cigarette and motioned with her head “come on little boy” Harry just laughed as the walked back to the studio, Harry asked about Tatianna’s large family and Tatianna asked about Harry’s career.

When they finally arrived at the studio, they walked into a shit show to say the less, Ashley was screaming in the face of the other bandmate Aquanette, better known as Aqua to everyone she cared for. Tatianna was about to leave when she heard Ashley say “I am the only talent in the band, I am stuck with Jungle bunny and a Nazi oh wait I’m sorry she’s also a Guido” The thick southern accent of the woman finished as Tatianna finally pushed Ashley back out of Aqua’s face “you better back the fuck up before you end up on the floor” Ashley quickly got into Tatianna’s face “Suka, luchshe vernis', prezhde chem ya pozvonyu dyade.” 

(Bitch better back up before I call my uncle.)

The woman spoke between her teeth as Ashley said, “Hitler needs to calm down” Tatianna rolled her eyes as she said, “I’m Russian, you dumb cunt. I helped stop Hitler, you dumbass hick” Tatianna stayed in the face of the woman as she felt a familiar hand grab her elbow as Harry almost looked scared “Why don’t we leave.” the thick English accent spoke as Tatianna nodded before she left the woman quickly punched the other woman in the face as she grabbed her purse and her leather jacket. Harry smiled sweetly at the woman as they left the building Tatianna grabbed another cigarette lighting it and taking a deep drag as she closed her eyes “That was pretty cool, I wasn’t expecting that left hook” the woman laughed shaking her head “I have four older brothers I need a good left hook to survive” Harry laughed as looked over at her just smiling as he did so. 

Tatianna was about to make a joke before she heard her brother Ilya deep voice yell, “what the fuck. I left you alone for a day, and you hit one of them” Tatianna’s New York accent came out as she said, “Fuck You! That racist ass bitch got what was coming. She called me a nazi, but that’s not why I punched her. She called Aqua a jungle bunny” Ilya just shook his head. “Uncle John would be proud” Tianna shook her head before pointing at Harry “this is my friend. He spilled coffee on my shirt, but he’s still my friend,” she joked. The curly-haired boy next to her laughed a little and stuck out his hand “Harry Styles it’s nice to meet you” the man said, Ilya stuck out his hand and shook the other man’s hand “so where to next?” 

Tatianna smiled as she said, “let’s get curly over here a fake ID, and let’s go see this new band Guns n roses” Harry smiled before saying, “you can do that?” Tatianna nodded as she smiled “Oh, you poor sheltered boy. Yes, we can do that” Harry nodded as he smiled “yeah let’s do that” Ilya smiled as he said “let’s go find a payphone and get you an ID” The three made their way to the apartment that the studio pays for after getting the face of ID for Harry. They wait a few hours before leaving for the Troubadour. 

Once they arrived, Tatianna felt an arm wrap around her waist before she had time to react. “I knew you would come,” Tatianna squealed as she turned around and hugged the man tightly. “Axl!” the older man laughed as he hugged her back, rubbing her back. “Oh let me see what you are wearing” the man joked as he pulled away as the woman did a little turn, he looked her up and down seeing that she changed into a high waisted black skirt, that she pulled up too much to make it into a mini skirt. She paired it a white crop top with the logo from the band Guns n roses “I know my boobs aren’t that impressive, but hey once I get the money they will be done” Axl laughed as he smiled “you look gorgeous” the man hugged her again and kissed her cheek as he squeezed her ass which made her gasp as she laughed. 

Harry saw the situation and couldn’t help but get a little jealous of the situation; the man didn’t want to admit it because he barely knew the girl, but he couldn’t help himself. The young boy walked away from the two very familiar friends and went over to the bar and handed the bartender his fake ID and ordered a random drink; the man was on his second drink before Tatianna saw him and wrapped her arm around his shoulder’s “Hey there you are baby. I thought a lost you” Harry smiled as he looked down, “yeah, I felt awkward.” 

Tatianna smiled as she ordered herself a drink before she said, “Oh, honey. That’s a good friend of mine. I met him while I was trying to sneak into a concert. If I’m honest, he took my virginity but don’t tell my mom” Harry looked over at the woman as he nodded “My mom made a tent in the back yard and gave me condoms” he joked looking at her as Tatianna smiled before pouting “You aren’t a virgin? Damn, I wanted to take it” the woman joked as she winked at the man finishing her drink before she ordered another one “I haven’t been a virgin since I was four” Tatianna looked at him confused “what?” 

Harry looked down as he said, “my first sexual experience was when he was aged four. Living in Venezuela with his peripatetic family – who were subscribed to the Children of God kids were coerced into performing sexual acts with parents and other children. But I’ve blocked it out. I was completely celibate from ten to 14. I haven’t really had sex with many people. So, I decided to lose my ‘second virginity,’ you know, because he lost my first when I was four. So, I decided to drop it to this older girl I knew, and strangely enough, I asked my parents for permission. Instead of just saying yes, my parents put a tent in the backyard for me to get it on in, and they ‘decorated it to enhance the mood.” Tatianna just looked at him, shocked. 

Tatianna went to speak, but Ilya said, “Hey, take this. I’m going to this girl’s place. Tell Axl to take you home after” Tatianna took the vile from the man and nodded as she turned back to Harry. “Listen, that’s fucked up. I thought the catholic religion was bad, but wow. I’m sorry that happened” Harry shook his head, “what’s in the vile?” Tatianna shook her head “nothing you need to get your hands on, let’s enjoy the show” Tatianna ordered a couple more drinks as she smiled “come on” the woman pulled him into the crowd as she got closer to the stage, she felt Harry be pressed up against her. The woman smiled as she reached behind and pulled him closer, keeping his arm wrapped around her waist as they looked up at stage “see, I can protect you.” 

Harry smiled at his hand around the woman’s waist before looking up as he smiled gently, the woman finished into her drink as she placed it on the floor and leaned down putting the vile her brother gave her into her nose and took a deep breath in snorting a small amount of the powder into her nose. She threw her head back before running her finger over her teeth. “Fuck” Harry was confused, but he didn’t question it too much, they enjoyed themselves during the concert quickly leaving afterward. Harry was drunk, but Tatianna was utterly shit faced, she was high as well as drunk. 

When the two teenagers arrived back at her apartment, Tatianna grabbed Harry’s shirt, “Nope. You are staying with me. I’m not letting mommy yell at me because her baby is drunk” Harry laughed as he followed her up to the apartment, as soon as she was in her own house she quickly pulled off her shirt “Thank god” she said as Harry smiled at the woman “I’ll sleep on the couch, get some rest” Tatianna shook her head “you’ve been dancing with me all night and feeling up on me too. You can sleep with me” Harry nodded as he followed her into the bedroom. “If you are more comfortable,” Tatianna admitted as Harry smiled “No. I’m excellent.” 

The duo fell asleep shortly after; they were cuddled up when they woke up the next morning Tatianna just smiled at Harry cuddled up to her as she slowly sat up and stretched her back out. The woman looked down and took a deep breath as she saw herself in her PJs, “thank god,” she whispered as Harry spoke, “don’t seem so disappointed” Tatianna laughed as she said, “Maybe when you are older Harry.” 

The two friends remained close ever since then, they would always hang out, and when they couldn’t, they would call the other on the home phone in their house. Tatianna just looked at Harry as a friend, but it was evident that Harry felt different, the man would always find a reason to compliment Tatianna or tell her that she was the most talented girl in the world. Tatianna would always tell him that he was good for her ego, but she never really let him take it farther than that. 

June 1985

Tatianna was shocked when Harry invited her to the set of Stand By me; she was also completely taken back when she saw her curly-haired boy with a clean-shaven head, it took the woman a few minutes to even recognize the boy she cared about so much. The woman couldn’t believe that he cut his hair, she already missed the curls of the man, she just shook her head at the shock “Hey beautiful boy” was all she said as he hugged her “Hey Titi” the woman smiled at the nickname her family gave her “come on show me around please.” the man nodded as he took her hand and led her into the closed set. 

Tatianna gripped Harry’s hand as she felt eyes staring at her, the woman tried to calm herself down by telling herself that they were just trying to figure out who the woman. Tatianna kept telling herself until she heard a female voice said, “That’s the girl who attacked her bandmate” Tatianna just looked down, trying not to cry as she gripped Harry’s hand tighter “Harry, I should go” was all she whispered. Still, he turned back “Hey, you just got here” Tatianna just shook her head as whispered “Harry, these people hate me because of what happened with Ashley” Harry just hugged the woman tightly as he ran his hand down her back “come on, let’s go to my trailer” the woman wiped her eyes as Harry led her back to his trailer. 

As soon as the door closed in the trailer, the woman broke down. Tatianna felt like she couldn’t stop the tears as she tried to catch her breath, she wasn’t one to cry about some words that were said about her but more than anything the situation frustrated her which caused the tears to fall. Harry was quick to be by her side as she put her face in his lap, he rubbed her back and ran his fingers through her dark locks as he whispered “You did the right thing with Ashley” The woman shook her head as she sat up “clearly I didn’t I’m being called unprofessional and reckless. She called Aqua, a jungle monkey. I mean, yes, it could’ve been worst, but it’s still racist as fuck” Harry nodded as the woman spoke through her tears.

“I know that beautiful girl; you did what any good human would’ve done” Tatianna looked up at the man, as he wiped her tears away “I will protect you from them, please stay” Tatianna nodded as Harry placed his hand on her cheek, she relaxed into his palm as she closed her eyes “Thank you sweet boy” Harry smiled as he leaned forward and kissed the woman’s forehead. Tatianna stood up, and Harry wasn’t far behind her as she grabbed his hand “Ashley is a stupid whore” Harry shook his head as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “I’ll always have my girl’s back,” Tatianna laughed as she wrapped her arm around his waist “I’ll be your girl when you can grow a beard” “shit” The duo laughed. 

Tatianna was sitting in Harry’s chair as they went through the scene they were filming, Tatianna closed her eyes as she listened to the various lines that Harry was speaking. Harry’s English accent was completely gone and replaced with an American one; this caused Tatianna to open her eyes and watch the man in front of the camera. He grabbed her attention; he almost demanded her attention much different from his shy self that Tatianna loved so much. When the director called cut, the woman shook her head as he smiled at her boy, walking towards her. 

“What did you think?” Tatianna couldn’t help but smile as she spoke, “You were beyond amazing already. I can’t wait to see it completely.” the woman went to talk as she heard someone fake cough as they said “Whore” Tatianna to roll her eyes as she turned around looking at the woman who just fake coughed, Tatianna just smirked as she fake coughed as well “Cunt” the woman cleared her throat as she spoke “Sorry I had something in my throat before I called you a cunt” Harry tried not to laugh as she took her hand walking away from the pathetic woman. 

Harry and Tatianna finally finished at the studio that day, as they were leaving Tatianna made sure to flip the woman off once more as she wrapped her arm tightly around Harry’s waist. When the inseparable duo finally made their way outside, the woman let go of Harry’s waist as she ran her hand over his short hair “please tell me it’s a joke” Harry laughed as he shook his head “Sorry beautiful, it’s all real, but my hair grows back super quick, so I’m not worried.” Tatianna, as she smiled, “well, if anyone can pull it off, it’s you.” Harry smiled as he said, “and you said that I’m good for your ego” Harry laughed as Tatianna smiled as she looked over at him and smiled, “what to go out again?” Harry smiled as he looked down at his wallet to make sure he had this fake ID “Sure. if they will still take this” 

Tatianna couldn't help but smile “okay, I’ll meet you at the whiskey in like two hours” Harry nodded as he kissed her cheek as Tatianna just smiled as he walked back into the movie studio, Harry couldn’t wait until he was done he missed hanging out with Tatianna due to both of them having such a busy schedule. Harry was finally back on the set, looking around for his co-star, finally settling on Corey Feldman. “Hey man,” the quirky kid just smiled as Harry put his hand on his shoulder. “Did you see her?” Corey laughed as he smiled at the other boy. “Yes, Harry, we all saw the brunette with blue eyes and legs that go on, and the ass that won’t quit” Harry lightly slapped the boy’s head “Shut up. I’m going to convince her to be mine today.” 

Corey laughed as he shook his head “No you aren’t she is a rock girl, she wants the sex, drugs and rock n roll. You will never be that guy. She looks at you like a little brother. If you keep on this trail, you will just make yourself sad. Why don’t you ask that one girl who keeps calling you?” Harry looked a little disappointed that Corey was more than likely right about his situation with Tatianna, but Harry nodded, “Yeah, Martha is a nice girl. I guess I should just ask her out already” Corey nodded as he placed his hand on Harry’s shoulder “Maybe one day you’ll get your rockstar girl but no way in hell you’ll be able to get her with your baby face” Harry rolled his eyes as he pushed the other boy’s hand away “Yeah Yeah Yeah I know. She’s too pretty for me.” 

Corey shook his head as he said, “quite the opposite you are both beautiful people, she is just in a different mindset. You are looking forever, which is rare in a fifteen-year-old, and she’s looking for right now and how much fun she can have.” Harry nodded as he rubbed the back of his neck as he looked at Corey “I don’t know why that helped me a lot, but you did.” Corey smiled as he pointed at his head “I’m pretty smart, but I act like I’m stupid, so people don’t expect my smartness” Harry smiled sweetly at the other kid “You are beyond smart. You should show it more often.” 

Harry went over to The Whiskey A GO GO as he planned with Tatianna a few hours earlier, the man looked around trying to find his friend. When he finally saw his friend she was on the dance floor with a guy dancing behind her, the woman was wearing a pink bra that made her boobs look amazing. She paired it with a black fishnet crop top, the woman’s slim stomach was out, she had a white pair of shorts and a black pair of boots. He could see her long socks, poking out the boots. Harry couldn’t take his eyes away from the way the woman swung her hips as she moved them against the man’s groin, Harry saw the man’s arms wrap around Tatianna’s stomach and the other around her neck pushing her closer to him. 

Harry looked at the two on the dance floor recognizing the tattoo on the man’s arm; Harry knew it was Axl Rose. The young man just sighed as he went to leave; he couldn’t deal with it. He knew that he just had what people would call a schoolboy crush on Tatianna, but he felt like it was more than that, it had only been two months, but he knew that he wanted her. He wanted all of her. He wanted the woman who stood up when others were scared too; he wanted the woman who demanded anyone’s attention and often would never let another person interrupt her. Harry finally walked out of the bar with tears in his eyes, maybe Corey was right. Perhaps he should call Martha. 

July 1985

When July came around, Tatianna noticed that Harry wasn’t talking to her as much, she would often avoid her calls, and when she would show up to his house, he would make an excuse for why he was busy. Tatianna was beginning to have her feelings hurt. Still, she really couldn’t let it affect her, seeing as she was leaving for a tour. The woman would begin a year-long tour around America, and it would start in Alabama of all places or as Tatianna’s brother so nicely put it, cousin fucker state. Tatianna was leaving the next day making sure she said goodbye to Axl and the few friends she made from knowing Axl, the woman was going to force Harry to at least spend an hour with her if anything just to say goodbye. 

Ilya told her this plan was stupid, but she did it anyway; Tatianna decided that she was going to get all dressed up, and maybe that would convince Harry well at least his teenage boy hormones to want to hang out with her. Tatianna found a tight pair of white jeans that hugged her body in every perfect way it could; she went with a long cut tank top that she stuffed into the pants. Tatianna did her makeup just like she did the night. Harry told her that she had the most beautiful eyes making sure to make them pop more. Once she finished with her hair, she left for Harry’s house he shared with his family. Tatianna knocked as Harry opened the door the younger man looked almost nervous. 

Tatianna raised an eyebrow as she said, “Hey, love, I’m leaving tomorrow. I was kinda hoping we could hang out?” Harry looked back behind the half-opened door. “Umm. Tatianna now is not a good time” the woman tried to cover the hurt in her eyes as much as she could when she heard Harry say her full name “Oh, um sorry. I guess I’ll see you next year,” the woman said, smiling as best as she could. When she went  to walk away, she heard a very unfamiliar female voice said “Harry, where did I leave my shirt” this caused the woman to turn around as a young blonde walked out of Harry’s house and said, “Okay, I’ll see you sometime tomorrow.”

 The young girl who looked to be just about Harry’s age walked back Tatianna not giving her a second glance, the older of the three people just laughed “that’s why you have been busy?” the New York accent running through Harry’s ears as he tried to cover his embarrassment “My goodness! I thought you hated me! You never came to the whiskey that night, so I thought people convinced you that they were right about me. Harry, you can tell me you have a girlfriend.” Harry smiled as Tatianna found the perfect excuse for him without having to admit his feelings. 

Tatianna smiled as she reached out, “can you please come to hang out with me?” Harry took the woman’s hand as he closed the door behind him, the woman smiled wide “Okay, I’ll hang out with you.” the man joked as Tatianna intertwined their fingers “come on I found this cute little restaurant” Harry raised an eyebrow “I’m Vegan Titi” the woman smiled at her nickname as she said. “I know that Harry, I made sure that you can eat” the man shook his head “No, I’m taking you somewhere to make up for me getting all weird” The woman silently agreed as they began walking in the opposite direction. 

Tatianna was honestly going to give up on this whole thing until Harry brought her to a private beach. It honestly looked like nobody was ever here. Harry broke the silence as he said, “I found this the night I stood you up at the whiskey” Tatianna shook her head “It’s all good. You stood me up, but I don’t mind. I mean, it hurt my feelings, but you were with a girl it’s fine” the young boy shook his head “No I wasn’t. I saw you dancing with Axl, and I didn’t want to disturb you, so I left” Tatianna looked at Harry, confused as she said “Yeah we were dancing? Why didn’t you come to say Hi? Axl loves you. He says you are a little brother he’s always wanted.” 

Harry rolled his eyes as he spoke, “because he was all over you, you said you lost your virginity to him so I assumed you were going to leave together why get in the way?” Tatianna did her best to find the perfect words as she said “Harry, I think Axl is a great man. He’s talented and smart but he’s not the guy I would sleep with more than once well I guess twice. He’s my best friend and we were dancing like that because these guys kept groping me” Harry looked down at the floor as she kept speaking “I was excited to spend some time with you but instead you came to a beach alone” Harry nodded as he said “I had to think about some stuff. About our friendship” 

Tatianna looked visibly hurt as she just laughed “great they got to you too” the woman said turning around shaking her head “you are big boy walk home by yourself” Harry quickly grabbed her hand and pulled her close to him, they were face to face “let me go, Harry. I want to go home” the man shook his head “No, listen to me nobody got to me I was thinking about our friendship because it’s so much more to me Titi” Tatianna was confused until Harry leaned and kissed her softly, the woman didn’t react at first before she kissed him back. The woman felt his arms wrap around her waist, Tatianna placed her hand on his arm as she pulled away resting her forehead against Harry’s as she whispered “Harry” The boy shook his head as he whispered back “No, I don’t want to hear you are like a brother to me or that I’m too young.” 

Tatianna smiled sweetly as the boy in front of her as she whispered “How about while I’m gone you think about your feelings and when you turn 18 if they are the same we can talk about it” The boy shook his head as he said “I will always feel this way for you so what’s the point in waiting” the woman cupped his cheek as she spoke softly “so that you are completely sure and so that you don’t break that little blondes heart” Harry sighed softly as he pulled her close hugging her tightly putting his face in her neck almost inhaling her scent once more, Tatianna hugged him back tightly rubbing his back “I’m looking for forever and you are looking for fun” the woman chuckled a little as she rubbed his back once more “kinda my precious boy.” 

The woman pulled away as she said “I’ll write to you every day I’m on tour. I’m begging you please think with your heart and not your head and find what’s in there please” the girl said kissing the side of his head as she pulled away slowly and made him look at her “I love you Harry and I don’t want to lose you because my heart doesn’t feel this way for you right now” the boy nodded as she kissed his forehead “come on let me walk you home.” 

December 1985 

Tatianna wrote a letter to Harry every night just like she said she would, the women would try their hardest to avoid telling him about the various horrible things that Ashley would say about Aqua or herself. Tatianna didn’t really care about what Ashley said about her if she’s honest, she just cared that Ashley was able to say horrible and negative things about Aqua and her race because of the fact that this so-called manager agreed with Ashley’s racist ass. Tatianna made sure to always sign her letters with the quote “lots of love and always thinking of you” Harry kept every letter in a small box, they made him feel special, it made him feel even more special when he ran into Axl one night on sunset and the older man asked Harry if he had heard from Tatianna. 

It was clear that she was really only writing the letters to him, this sent his heart on fire. He knew that he didn’t need a few more years to think about whether or not Tatianna was the one for him. He knew that she was the one he was meant to be, now he just needed to convince the woman of this as well. He understood why she didn’t want to get with Harry, he was only fifteen what does he know about love but all the boy talked about Tatianna. She was all that was on his mind, she consumed most of his thoughts. She was an addiction and Harry had no plans on kickin it. 

Harry decided that he was going to tell her all of his feelings about her when she came back to Los Angeles for her next concert. He felt it was the perfect option, if she said no then he could have six months to get over the heartbreak before he would see her again. Harry made sure to get himself all dressed up for her concert, he was wearing a pair of khaki skinny jeans that he put a black shirt on but quickly covered it up with an orange sweater. Harry felt it was perfect, nothing too fancy but also something casual so she didn’t get any ideas in case he changed his mind. 

Tatianna was sitting in her dressing room, which she happily shared with Aqua. The woman was finishing her makeup as Aqua spoke “Did you hear that Ashley is trying to go solo?” Tatianna laughed as she began putting away her makeup “I would like to see that. Please don’t get my hopes up”  the other woman laughed as she looked at Tatianna “girl you need to get out of this band. You are way too talented to be here” Tatianna shook her head “No, I’m not leaving you so unless you agree I’m staying right here with you” Aqua just shook her head “when you leave I will too. I’ll work in your parent’s restaurant” 

Tatianna laughed as she lit her cigarette and took a drag before saying “I’ll hold you to that. I’ve decided if she says anything tonight she’s getting knocked out on stage” Aqua laughed as she shook her head “Please. I’m begging you to just do it at the end of the set” Tatianna smiled as the devil herself walked into the room “Michael Jackson is in the crowd tonight, you two better not try to show me up” The southern accent rang through the room “Shut up. If you speak to me again you will get fucking hit” Tatianna said standing up “Okay little boy, talk to me when you grow some boobs” Aqua quickly grabbed Tatianna as Ashley turned around and slammed the door. 

Tatianna rolled her eyes as she went to her bag and grabbed her outfit for the night, Tatianna put on a pair of high waist black spandex shorts that showed her ass perfectly. The woman put on a red button-up shirt, she tied up to show off her torso “I’m going to kill her tonight” Aqua changed into her stage outfit as Tatianna looked over at her and smiled softly “promise to leave with me” Aqua smiled as she nodded “Yes, You and me” the girl winked. Tatianna walked out of the dressing room and saw Ashley having Harry almost pinned against the wall as she was leaning into Harry. 

Tatianna quickly walked over and pulled the woman away from Harry, the woman put Harry behind her as she said “Ashley, go-to side stage now” Ashley just rolled her eyes as she looked at Harry who looked very nervous “call me” Ashley winked as Tatianna turned around looking at Harry “Are you okay?” the man nodded “Yeah, I was trying to give you these flowers and she kinda attacked me” Tatianna looked down completely heartbroken that she put him in this situation, the woman quickly hugged Harry as he hugged her back he buried his face in her neck again for the first time in a month. Tatianna pulled away as Harry handed her a bouquet of blue tulips as she smiled softly “Oh my goodness thank you.” 

Tatianna took a deep breath of flowers as she kissed Harry’s head-hugging him tightly afterward, the woman closed her eyes for a moment as she took the man’s hand leading him and Aqua towards the side stage. Tatianna pulled Harry close almost making him wrap his arm around her waist “you smell good” Tatianna smiled a little as she heard Harry’s voice next to her ear “well thank you, sweet boy.'' The woman said as she placed her hand on his arm that was wrapped around her torso, the woman handed him her flowers “Stay here and be safe” she said kissing his cheek. 

Tatianna took a breath trying to control her emotions, the woman walked on the dark stage standing where she was supposed to as she took the microphone. Tatianna closed her eyes hearing the first note of the song, the woman hated dancing but she was taught the dance moves so she did them. When Ashley finished her small number, Tatianna finally sang the words “We keep behind closed doors Every time I see you, I die a little more Stolen moments that we steal as the curtain falls It'll never be enough It's obvious you're meant for me Every piece of you, it just fits perfectly Every second, every thought, I'm in so deep But I'll never show it on my face But we know this, we got a love that is homeless” Aqua and Tatianna  took over the next lines singing with perfectness. “Why can't you hold me in the street? Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor? I wish that it could be like that. Why can't we be like that? 'Cause I'm yours” 

Ashley looked angry as Aqua and Tatianna’s voice blended perfectly together, Tatianna wasn’t really paying attention to Ashley she was more forced on the boy on the side stage. Tatianna didn’t want to admit that the boy with a little crush on her was causing her a lot of feelings, she knew that she couldn’t be with not until he was older. When he knew that she was what he wanted, she couldn’t be the reason he didn’t find true love. 

Tatianna was taken out of her thoughts by Aqua singing her part “When you're with him, do you call his name Like you do when you're with me, does it feel the same? Would you leave if I was ready to settle down? Or would you play it safe and stay? Girl you know this, we got a love that is hopeless” 

Tatianna went to start singing as she walked to the other side of the stage, where she was tripped by Ashley. The dark haired fell and hit her face on the stage which caused her to bust open her lip, Ashley gasped trying to play the good guy. Tatianna couldn’t take it anymore; she managed to spit some of her own blood out of her mouth and quickly tackled Ashley onto the floor of the stage. Tatianna had the racist ass bitch pinned down as she threw shot after shot. The women didn’t realize what was happening until she felt familiar hands wrap around her waist and pull her off quickly, Harry lightly shoved Tatianna towards the side stage as medics rushed out to help Ashley. 

Aqua and Harry managed to get Tatianna back into her dressing room, once she was there she began to clean up her own lip “I’m fucking done! I’m going back to New York! I’m going to work in my parents restaurant for the rest of my life and if I see that bitch in New York i’m calling my uncle and I’m going to have him get that bitch” Harry looked a little confused seeing as he’s never heard the woman speak like that and he’s never heard of his restaurant. Tatianna was taken out of her screaming as her older brother walked in “Ты тупая сука. Как мы будем теперь есть?” (You stupid bitch. How are we going to eat now?) 

Tatianna looked down as she closed her eyes trying to avoid them filling with tears, the woman didn’t really even think about her brother in this situation. She was more worried about the fact this woman have the guts to trip her and bust her lip on stage, the woman looked up at her brother with tears in her eyes as she spoke back “Мы можем просто пойти домой, пожалуйста” (Can we please just go home)  

Illya went to argue but sighed softly “Yeah, give me a few minutes.” Aqua followed her brother out of the room, which left Harry and Tatianna “so you are really going back to New York” Tatianna sighed as he spoke before nodding “don’t really have a choice. I don’t have that much money, I’ll go home to my parents and forget this music dream” Harry shook his head “You can’t do that, you are beyond talented. Your voice makes me believe in angels” Tatianna shook her head as she smiled “Thank you but I can’t do this anymore, I need a break from all of this” Harry nodded as he looked down sadly. 

“I’m in love with you” was all the english accent said as Tatianna sighed softly looking down at her vanity desk “Harry, you are fifteen. You don’t know what being in love is” Harry shook his head “yes I do. I know that you are all I think about and when I see you I get this overwhelming feeling in my chest. I know that you feel something too or you would’ve told me to drop it and not wait until i’m eighteen or write only me letters” Tatianna looked up at him as she stood up and walked over to him as she took his hands “Harry, I’m your first real crush. That’s what it is. The girl you lost second virginity too was a girl that you could have sex with.” 

Tatianna kissed his hands before she said “Harry, you are the most amazing kid. Maybe later down the line it will be good for us, right now I don’t even know what is going to happen with my career or my life and how can I get into a relationship with someone who needs to learn more about himself as well as what love is? I need to focus on me. I need to fix myself. I can’t help you find you as well” The woman said as she finally met Harry’s eyes that were filled with tears. Tatianna felt like an asshole but she knew that she was right but he was also right. She did feel something but not enough to ruin what was going on for him. The older woman wrapped her arms tightly around Harry, he did what he always did when they hugged, burying his face in her neck. The two stayed for what felt like hours, in some sick way they both knew this was goodbye. 

Tatianna and her brother Illya packed up the apartment they shared, and took a bus back to New York. California was always going to be in Tatianna’s heart, it was the place she found the purest man and almost gave her heart to him. 

[feelingfredly]

Just Remember I Love You

Summary:

Stiles pulled up the playlists and took pictures of them... as he scrolled through, he saw one labeled M&D's song and he was like, Who's M? Derek and someone had a song?   Stiles can't stand the thought of Derek and some stranger having a song. And a cheesy 70's love song at that!

Talia loved music. She wasn't a great singer but was always humming and singing and dancing around. She and her husband met at a disco night, of all things, and they were often seen dancing to a scratchy radio in the kitchen late at night after the kids were supposed to be in bed.

There was a song called Just Remember I Love You that she loved. It was "their song" because while wolf life was nice, it wasn't perfect and damn if it wouldn't be better sometimes if there were wolf antidepressants because even Alpha wolves get the blues, and when things were more than she could bear, Paul, her husband, would sing it to her.

After the pups came along Laura heard daddy singing it to mommy and one day when she was sad she came and demanded the "make it better song" so, Talia sang it to her as they danced around the kitchen and it made everything better.

After that, it was the thing to do when someone had hurt feelings, or a broken heart, or was stressed at school--someone would sing Just remember I love you, and it'll be alright... Just remember I love you, more than I can say.

After the fire, Laura tried to sing it to Derek and they both fell apart because nothing was ever going to be alright again.

They listened to other songs together, but not that one...  never that one

Time passed until one day Stiles Stilinski let himself into Derek's loft. The wolf was puttering around the kitchen with his battered old smart phone in a coffee cup, letting the cup act as a sound box so there was this echoey music drifting through the loft and Stiles was surprised because this was Camaro guy,  with his scruff and leather jacket, listening to 70's soft rock? nah...  that's just nuts, dude. But, before he can say anything, Derek was scrambling to turn the phone off and practically ripped Stiles's head off for just barging in without calling first or at least knocking.

A couple months later Stiles was sidelined with a jacked-up knee and was sitting in the Camaro while the others were fighting the MOTW right over there and he was bored and antsy and freaking out, so he poked through everything in the car and there was Derek's phone, so thank God he could at least listen to music or something while his friends were maybe getting eviscerated and he couldn't do anything, and there are only two playlists on the damn thing--of course Derek doesn't have something as useful as Spotify--and one of them was your typical 00's angry music, and the other...   was fucking yacht rock, man.

So, when Derek and Isaac pile back in the car Stiles is ramped up on fear and relief, full of asshol-itude and was like, "You need to join the modern age, Sourwolf... The youngest song on your phone can legally drink." and Derek pushed back with, "What, you jealous because you're still getting by on a lousy fake I.D. and All-Star gets laid more than you do?"

But Derek takes the phone and shoves it into his pocket like it's something precious...  and Stiles, who is an asshole, but not a stupid asshole, realized that there was something important on that phone.

Derek never took it into fights.

Derek never put it anywhere that it could get hurt.

Derek had another fucking phone.

so, what's the deal with that one?

He can't let the idea go--it eats at him.  Why the two phones?  Why the freaking beat up second-gen piece of crap that should have been put out to pasture years ago?

So, the next time he was alone and saw the phone he grabbed it--the sucker doesn't even have a lock screen--and he called himself.  At least that way he can get the number, right?  But it didn’t come up as Derek Hale on his caller ID.  It came up as Laura Hale.

Which made a strange sort of sense.  If it was Laura's phone, he'd keep it for sentimental purposes, right?  Holy fuck, the dude's been paying for his sister's phone the whole time, keeping some little piece of her alive.  There are probably messages on that fucker from before the fire.

He's more careful about the phone after that.

He didn't stop watching, though.  He popped into the loft unannounced more often.  Offered to go make coffee for anyone--everyone--so he could get a little alone time with the phone.

He finally got it one day when Derek was in the shower, so covered in nixie guts that he didn't stop on the way up to grab it like he normally did, and Stiles pulled up the playlists and took pictures of them...  and as he scrolled through, he saw one labeled M&D's song and he was like, Who's M?  Derek and someone had a song?

It hit him, harder than he could admit comfortably. He knew about Paige, and Kate, and Jennifer, and even Braeden, because...  well, they all knew about them, but there's an M now...  someone Derek cared enough about to have a song with, and fuck, Derek wasn't supposed to be a romantic...  Stiles was a romantic.  Stiles wanted to woo someone with flowers and candlelight dinners and in-jokes and a song they could play at their wedding. Derek's just distance and angry eyebrows and that little bit of respect that leaked through occasionally, and gratitude, because fuck, yeah, that's what everyone wanted from the hottest thing they've ever seen, gratitude. He'd pick the slamming up against things over the fucking gratitude every damn day because Derek should know that he didn't got to bat for him because he wanted thanks, he did it because he cared for the bitter bastard, okay?  At least when he was angry he looked alive, invested, and he was LOOKING AT STILES and actually seeing him.

Yeah, so bad attention was better than no attention, sue him.

Later when he was alone, he pulled up Spotify and loaded the song, and well...  it wasn't what he expected at all.  

 When there's so much trouble that you wanna cry

The world has crumbled and you don't know why

When your hopes are fading and they can't be found

Dreams have left you waiting, friends have let you down

 He listened to the song three times in a row, and by halfway through the third he was wiping away tears, because fuck that's...  well, that was a lot.

"It was my mom and dad's song."

The window--the fucking window--was open, and Stiles had been so wrapped up in the song that he hadn't heard Derek and his super-secret wolfy breaking and entering. Stiles was instantly up and deflecting--he didn't mean to pry (he totally did) and what was Derek doing there, and didn't he ever knock, and fuck use the door, and everything he'd ever said when one of the wolves had broken in while he was jerking off, but somehow being caught listening to this seemed even more personal to him.

He couldn't imagine how Derek felt

Derek just stared at him as he stormed and when he wound down and scrubbed the evidence of tears away Stiles just sagged under the scrutiny. "I'm sorry.  I didn't know.  I just...  I wanted..."

"You wanted to know.” Derek said, less antagonism in his voice than he had a right to. “You always want to know.  That's sort of Stiles distilled."

They stared at each other for a little before Stiles waded in with an apology.  He at least owed the wolf that much. "I didn't mean to stir up bad memories, Der.  I am sorry."

Derek looked a little distant, like his mind wasn't actually there in the moment, and Stiles bet he looked a lot like that when he was thinking about his mom.

"Not bad,” he said finally. “Just hard sometimes.  Good memories, though.  It's why I can't let that--" he waved at the computer that was still playing the song on loop--"go."

Stiles nodded. "I get that. I feel that way about my mom's recipes.  I can't cook them for dad, but I'll bake the cookies or the bread and remember cooking with her, and then end up giving the stuff away.  Mr. Abernathy next door loves it when I get sentimental."

They sat like that for a while until the quiet got to be too much and Derek took off again, leaving Stiles with a little bit more knowledge about the older man, and a lot to think about.

He called Cora the next day. She cried when he told her what happened, and when he apologized to another Hale for stirring things up she yelled at him for hurting her brother, and yelled at the Universe a little, and then cried again as she explained the significance of the song. When she calmed down she asked him to email her the playlist because she was too young to remember the names of the songs and she wanted to listen to them again, and if they cried a little more at that, well neither of them was going to tell anyone.

But… now he knew.  He knew what the song meant, what it was for, and he had a plan.  It might not be a great plan, but hell, he's had worse.

He didn’t make a move for weeks.  He wasn't stupid, and he knew Derek wasn’t either.

He started by playing some 70's music around the house--even getting a laugh out of his dad as he busted out "Do the hustle!" in the kitchen one day as he danced around making a casserole for pack night.

"Your mom and I used to go out dancing all the time.” The sheriff actually smiled at the memory. “She could dance up a storm.  You get that from her."

And just like that Stiles had another thing to thank Derek for....

Finally, it was time. He'd been spending more time with the wolf, his spark finding an anchor in the alpha, and he could feel it developing into something like a real pack bond.  Derek clearly felt it as well, his shoulders relaxing every time Stiles would get close enough for him to bump against him, subtly scenting his new packmate.

Then it wasn't so subtle. A hand on the head, Stiles rubbing Derek's shoulder, a scruff of the back of the neck...  and time.  Sitting. Talking. Snarking.  But time spent together, alone or with the others, but always together.

And then it was his birthday.  21. Finally legal in all the ways, and finally ready to make that last leap of faith.  The ladies at Jungle were thrilled to help, and when everyone asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday, he said "pack night at the club--no excuses" and they gave in, because as much as he was an asshole, he was their asshole

They got there, dressed in their club gear and black leather coats, and Stiles pulled up in his Jeep and rolled out wearing a shirt unbuttoned to his navel that showcased his toned torso, a big gold pendant he'd enchanted the month before for a protection spell but that looked like one of the terrible 70's zodiac sign necklaces, and skin tight pants that flared out into truly terrible bell bottoms. "Oh, didn't I tell you?  It's a theme night!  Disco, Babies!  And I'm the Dancing Queen!"

The pack groaned and then laughed, following the nutcase they'd adopted into the club, listening to the thrum of the music and saying, "Fuck it." before heading to the bar for drinks that their spark would add a little kick to so they could feel a buzz for the night.

Derek gave him a long look, and then another, but just sighed and nodded as Stiles pulled him out onto the packed dance floor.

"Thanks for coming, Sourwolf."  He made the appropriate noises, and Derek swayed against him, surprisingly--or not surprisingly, the dude was physicality embodied--a good dancer, and not shy with the hips once he got going.

"Happy Birthday, Stiles," he said, bending down to speak directly into the spark’s ear, "this is the only gift you're getting."

Stiles looked at him from under his lashes and smiled. "It's the only thing I wanted, Der. Really."

They finished their dance and then his best Lady of the Jungle, Brianna Cracker, walked up to the microphone--"We have a special birthday boy in our midst tonight--hey there Little Red, looking good!--"  the crowd cheered and Stiles wriggled around in Derek's hold to look at the stage, flailing his arms a little at the attention.

She went on, "He had a special request so he could dance with his boo--or his boo-to-be if he doesn't fuck this up tonight--so everyone wrap their arms around their special someone's and get ready for something slow and sweet.  Happy Birthday, Red!  We love you!"

And then… the song played.

Derek froze, so like a deer in headlights that Stiles had to bite his lips not to make a joke, but now wasn't the time for jokes.  He held out his hand hopefully, and Derek finally thawed enough to take it, wrapping Stiles in an almost painfully tight hug.

"Give me a chance, Sourwolf?" Stiles asked quietly. He felt Derek's head nod once against his neck, and Stiles felt a knot in his gut unravel.  

It was going to be alright.

 Notes: This fic owes its existence to Sirius XM's Yacht Rock Radio, and Firefall's amazing 70's classic, Just Remember I Love You.

"Just Remember I Love You" by Firefall

When it all goes crazy and the thrill is gone The days get rainy and the nights get long When you get that feelin' you were born to lose Staring at your ceiling thinkin' of your blues

When there's so much trouble that you wanna cry The world has crumbled and you don't know why When your hopes are fading and they can't be found Dreams have left you waiting, friends have let you down

Just remember I love you And it'll be alright Just remember I love you More than I can say Maybe then your blues will fade away

When you need a lover and you're down so low Start to wonder, but you never know When it feels like sorrow is your only friend Knowing that tomorrow you'll feel this way again

When the blues come callin' at the break of dawn Rain keeps fallin', but the rainbow's gone When you feel like crying but the tears won't come When your dreams are dyin', when you're on the run

Just remember I love you And it'll be alright Just remember I love you More than I can say Just remember I love you And it'll be alright It'll be alright It'll be alright It'll be alright

[vagrantblvrd]

Watching the Rimmy Tim GTA Garage Tour video and omg.

Spoilers under the cut because reasons, but talk of AUs and ridiculousness also because reasons.

(In hindsight, the spoilers are like. A smidgen of this post/AU, but yes.)

I’m just.

That One AU with Jeremy who comes from a wealthy family but there’s, idk, Issues or some such associated with it that has him join the military as soon as he can?

His mom passed away when he was a kid - barely remembers her, really - and his dad threw himself into his work and Jeremy’s childhood wasn’t the greatest, you know?

Decides to go by his mother’s maiden name or something because his father’s name is so well known and he’s trying to get by on his own merits and such?

(Prove to himself he can after the last Big Argument with his dad over taking over the family business and having all his doubts and insecurities thrown into his face because born with a silver spoon in his mouth and he’s always wanted to be “norrmal” whatever that is, so. Yeah.)

Goes into the military and takes to it like nothing else. Gets thrown into a special forces group where he meets Ryan and the whole Battle Buddies thing happens, right?

Couple of idiots who don’t get along at first because Ryan’s been in spec ops for a while and he’s maybe a little jaded about rookies like Jeremy (even though Jeremy’s not shiny new at the time, but yeah).

Some rough spots until there’s a mission or something happening on their downtime/at HQ wherein they learn to look at one another in a different light?

Ryan thinking Jeremy’s a by the book kind of guy because hey, pretty new to things and he’s great at the “Yes, sir,” and “No, sir” and “Understood, sir,” shit and doesn’t yet realize what a little bastard he can be?

But yeah.

That mission where things go to shit really early on and Jeremy gets tired of playing the good little soldier - their usual handler replaced for the mission by some asshole from an letter agency who clearly doesn’t give a fuck about them, and just.

“Oh, shit,” Jeremy says, plucking his earpiece out and dropping it in the mud. “Fuck.”

Ryan watches as Jeremy brings his foot down on the earpiece, grinds it into the mud where he won’t have to listen to the weasel’s voice anymore and maybe get some shit done with minimal casualties.

Jeremy slides a look at Ryan who’s got his own earpiece in hand about to toss it into the jungle somewhere. (Always a jungle setting because anywhere ese is just not Cool Enough I guess?)

Ryan shrugs, feels his mouth twitch into a smirk because hey, maybe this Dooley asshole isn’t all bad after all?

And then the two of them go on to wreak havoc like whoah and fuck up the baddies to rescue the innocent civilians or whatever that got caught up in all this. (Ones the letter agency asshole told them were acceptable losses and to set the charges that would bring the building they’re being held in down and just. Yeah.)

Everything after that is just overall terrible for Jeremy and Ryan’s regular handler and superiors as they get along like a house on fire and things explode everywhere all the time.

After a while Jeremy feels guilty about not telling Ryan who he really is although he’s 99.9% sure Ryan’s figured it out by then? (Ryan’s kind of an idiot, but he’s not dumb, so.)

Talks himself up into Confessing to Ryan (the fact he’s in love with the asshole is a major motivation for it) but then they get that shitty mission that leaves Jeremy thinking Ryan’s dead.

Wakes up in a little clinic in a little country somewhere. No ID because the kind of mission the government would have to disavow and all that and anyway, anyway, better this way?

Problem is, okay, problem is the government thinks he’s dead too?

Helpful as he unravels the conspiracy that nearly got him killed and sure as fuck killed Ryan and also, okay, because I’m terrible like that, has Jeremy drawing on all the contacts and resources he’s made over the years in spec ops.

More than a few are ones he met through Ryan, and all of them are super fucking delighted to lend a hand when Jeremy tells them what he’s doing, you know?

Getting revenge on the assholes who killed Ryan and tried to kill Jeremy and anyway, okay. They’ve got a lot of friends out there.

Once Jeremy uncovers the conspiracy/baddies he has the choice of going back into hiding or taking his life back?

And at first he thinks it won’t be that hard of a decision because his old life was never something he wanted?

But his supposed death changed his father or made him realize how he’d been pushing Jeremy away and there’s this.

Jeremy’s old superiors give him this phone while giving him time to make his decision. (Figure he’s earned it, and they’ll make sure whatever he chooses he won’t get trouble from them and all that?)

And there’s voicemail messages he doesn’t intend to listen to, doesn’t want to know what they are because he’s definitely made up his mind about going into hiding/creating a new identity for himself?

But there’s a night in his motel room, shitty little thing close to a highway and the kind fo place he’s been staying in for the last however long it took him to get the assholes behind the conspiracy that fucked his life up beyond repair?

This night where everything that happened, everything he lost, hits him hard and he’s sitting on the edge of the bed with this stupid phone in his hand, you know?

Unremarkable flipphone deal, burner phone written all over it and it shouldn’t even be a problem to toss it in the trash and disappear, start a new life, but.

Jeremy listens to the messages on it.

A few from former friends and coworkers wishing him well and the like? But also a few from his dad.

He almost, almost deletes those messages right off the bat, but something makes him sit through them and he’s glad he did, you know, because, okay, because.

It’s clear some of the messages were left before The Mission, his dad all stiff and awkward checking in on his son? Doesn’t get why Jeremy left to join the military and there’s disapproval and condescencion galore in them, but after the first few messages the tone changes significantly.

Start just after The Mission, his dad angry at first like he thinks Jeremy’s put his superiors up to pranking him with a dead son (Jesus fuck) and the other stages of grief?

A few where he’s obviously accepted Jeremy’s death and is telling him the things he wished he had the chance to before he died. Has a whole change of heart and apologizes - he was tough on Jeremy because he wanted to prepare him for th world and all that bullshit? Did everything he did out of misguided love and apologizes and Jeremy, okay.

Never got to know his mom, but he’s got this chance to get to know his dad so he decides to reclaim his old life.

No interest in staying in the military after everything that happened, and they’re grateful enough for all he did he gets a dishonorable discharge and all that.

Goes back home and gets to know his dad, thinks about taking over the family business even though he’s not 100% sold on the idea just yet.

Which is good, because his dad isn’t pushing him to do it even if he wants Jeremy to?

Is trying real hard to let Jeremy make his own decisions and suchlike. (Has someone in line to take over some day, bright kid from the midwest and a degree in aerospace engineering. Which. Kind of not the right degree for this, but his dad doesn’t seem overly bothered and anyway, anyway, Jeremy likes Trevor pretty much from the start, so it’s all good.)

ANYWAY.

Jeremy doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life at the moment, pretty much content to let it come to him in time.

He’s got his own money - trust funds and/or the whatnot his mom set up and investments here and there, not to mention his time in the militray - so he’s covered on the financial front.

Gets a decent place of his own and starts working on figuring out who he is outside of the military and all that? (Tries not to think about shit like that he talked to Ryan about for hours, the things Ryan promised to show him/introduce him to One Day not knowing it would never come and all that, because Delicious Angst.)

Is finally starting to make good headway on figuring his shit out when his dad - who, by the way, Jeremy’s building a good relationship with - gets into trouble.

Finds out one of his trusted people in the company’s been making shady deals and the whatnot on the side for a while now. Profiting off other people’s suffering and keeping it secret until there’s a lip up. Discrephancy or soemthing Jeremy’s dad notices, looks into.

And then things go to hell again, because it gets Jeremy’s dad killed, you know?

Supposed accident - plane crash or something while he’s touring a facility and the press talking about it for weeks/months/however long, because.

Jeremy’s dad and the multi-billion dollar company their fmaily built up from nothing over several generations and just.

Yeah.

At first even Jeremy thinks it was an accident, but then he gets these phone calls and messages and realizes it totally wasn’t.

That someone killed him because he knew to too much and he’s like, fucking Christ, not this again?

But yeah, this again.

Can’t quite disappear to investigate on his own with how high-profile everything is and all that?

SO.

(This is where things take a turn for the are you fucking kidding me??? with my Plot Reasons, so bear with me???)

Jeremy goes vigilante.

Totally Batmans the shit out of things.

Digs into the money he had under his previous fake identity that he never told anyone about because who knew if he’d need it again, you know? (Don’t bother asking where he got that money because you don’t want to know? Also. A fair amount of his contacts/resources have warrants out for their arrest, so yes.)

Uses it to fund everything, and maybe puts some of his real identity money into things when his fake identity money isn’t enough, which.

Good idea?

But has the unintended result of drawing the attention of Trevor, who’s got his hands full handling the business side of things since Jeremy’s father died.

Has feelers everywhere (and a very, very good hacker in an old buddy of his) and confronts Jeremy about it.

Not sure what’s going on - thinks maybe Jeremy had something to do with his father’s death because rocky relationship ~conveniently mended not too long before his father’s death?

So, yeah.

Thinks Jeremy’s a murdered or at least capable of arranging a murder, and Jeremy’s like !!! and ??? and “What the actual fuck are you talking about, Trevor?”

And that’s how Trevor basically becomes Jeremy’s Lucius Fox???

The two of them working together to figure out what the everloving fuck happened.

Realize it’s something big, fucking huge. (Possibly connected to The Mission and the baddies responsible for it, although they’re not sure how at the moment.)

Trevor taking a specific interest in the R&D department to create gadgets/vehicles for Jeremy’s use in this private little war of his.

Matt taking on the side-gig of being Jeremy’s Oracle-ish person.

And Jeremy taking up the job his father wanted him to because it makes him a nice, shiny target, doesn’t it?

Feigns stupidity because actually great tactic? And also allows the conpirators to underestimate him to the point they expose themselves and just.

Yes.

ANYWAY.

In all this - Jeremy Bruce Wayne-ing/Batman-ing his way through things he meets this reporter type.

British bastard who’s recently moved to the states and not at all intimidated by the Dooley name and just.

All these dinner parties and Events, comments and the like over a flute of champagne on a balcony while the elites mingle inside and all that?

Feeling one another out because Gavin is totally looking into the same conspiracy that got Jeremy’s father killed (and possibly Ryan?) for his own reasons and just.

You know the careful back and forth that goes along with all that, right? The sly looks and double-speak and Intrigue that slowly gives way to mutual respect and even this friendly verbal sparring.

And then, okay, and then.

Gavin’s asked to do a piece on Jeremy for the paper/whatver news outlet he works for. More of a puff piece than anything - his last article whatever got him in big trouble because it was too critical of powerful figures in the city. (The piece on Jeremy is either a bid to keep Gavin out of trouble until things calm down or punisment, but yes.)

Jeremy’s gotten a reputation for having A Thing for fast cars (and bikes and planes and so on) and he takes Gavin on a tour of some of them.

The one thing Jeremy really spent his money on before things went to hell and his father died, and since he’s Bruce Wayne-ing the fuck out of thing he’s gone a little overboard.

Has this entire fleet of vehicles he’s given ridiculous names to  - and okay. Most of them didn’t have names until he and Gavin were walking through the garage and Jeremy was capitvated by Gavin’s laugh and honest joy at the ridculous names he had given some of them that he just made the rest up on the fly.

At which point Jeremy realizes he’s kind fo fucked because oh shit, he’s got FEELINGS for Gavin???

Has a little freakout over that because the whole Ryan thing and when did he stop thinking about him? (Guilt like whoah and thinking he’s betraying his memory even though rationally he knows Ryan would want him to move on, and anyway, anyway, Ryan never liked him liked him, so. Yes.)

Still.

He keeps freaking out until Trevor and Matt notice and have A Talk with Jeremy, get him to get his head out of his ass and realize that while his life is a shitshow - honestly, only so much Tragic Backstory one guy can have, you know? - he still deserves to be happy.

And then, okay.

Just as Jeremy realizes they have a point and he’s going to Do Something about his FEELINGS he runs into this little shit while out Batman-ing.

Thief, because of course, and breaking into the Dooley business tower for Secrets and there’s.

Fighting with the acrobatics and flexibility and Major Flirting. Rooftop chases and all that with Jeremy being like (oh no, he’s hot) because reasons, okay?

And then!

Just as he’s about to catch the thief the bastard hits him with a superhero/supervillain tazer-ish gadget. Enough to knock the wind out of him, have him drop like a ragdoll while the thief crouches beside him, something like concern (oddly familiar?) on the bit of their face he can see as they make sure he’s okay.

Little smirk when he catches Jeremy’s scowl aimed at them and a, “Next time, hmm?” before they make their getaway while Jeremy watches helplessly.

And, okay.

I think we all know Gavin’s the thief, right?

Only not so much thieving at the moment as he’s been hired by another party to do some digging into the Dooley business files because Plot Reasons.

Something Jeremy, Trevor, and Matt figure out after several weeks/months/however long of running into the bastard (Jeremy not realizing it’s Gavin all that time because of course) and such.

Jeremy fail!flirting with reporter!Gavin and the two of them kind of sort of dating? (Certainly end up in the tabloids with all this speculation surrounding them and such.)

And then, okay, and then.

Some situation where Jeremy catches Gavin in the act of Thieving at a Dooley business (it really needs a name, huh?) and thinking he’s finally caught the little bastard?

But then the real baddies, or rather some goons hired by the real baddies show up and the two of them reluctantly teaming up, because of course.

(All this time the two of them have been butting heads they’ve formed mutual respect for one another and such. Know they’re not the actual baddies of this plotline but can’t fucking get their shit together to team up on exposing the main conspiracy together because Plot Reasons???)

Anyway.

They team up and manage to beat the baddies, but Jeremy’s got a bullet in him and the cops are coming and they think Jeremy’s just as bad as the acutal baddies and it’s a mess, okay? Huge fucking mess.

Gavin dithers for a bit before he decides the hell with it and drags a Jeremy to his base of operations or whatever. Jeremy tries to protest because hey, what if this is a ploy to unmask him/kill him and Gavin ignoring him because good God, idiot, no.

They end up in a pretty involved lair - totally a lair - that’s clearly been in operation for a while now. (Years, maybe.)

Gavin sitting Jeremy down and telling him to stay put for God’s sake as he bustles off to get a medical kit to patch Jeremy up.

Fusses over him, Jeremy watching quietly because look, okay, look.

He’s known for a while who this thief must be, but he’s just.

Jeremy’s a fucking spectacular liar, you know. Best there ever was, and he’s gotten fucking great at lying to himself over the years.

So yeah.

He’s known Gavin’s the thief for a while now, just didn’t think about it. (Because then he’d have to face the truth and his life has been enough of a fucking roller-coaster without that revelation.)

And Gavin, alright.

Knows just as well the idiot he’s patching up is the same damn bastard he’s maybe a little in love with. idiot with his name on the side of a building and target painted on his chest and just.

They know.

But!

Before either of them can admit any of that, the asshole who hired Gavin to do the Thieving for him shows up.

Fucker Jeremy’s had the misfortune of running into a few times over the last however long he started Batman-ing around.

Stupid skull mask and all those goddamned knives and of course, of fucking course Gavin would not only be the thief he’s been trying to catch for forever, he’s also working for the goddamned Vagabond.

And, like.

Ryan (totally not dead, but don’t tell Jeremy that just yet) also ended up in a little clinic after The Mission.

Thought Jeremy was dead and decided to get revenge for him (them), but while Jeremy did the whole vigilante/Batman deal? Ryan went a little darker, got his hands dirtier.

Ended up picking up a mask and reputation the likes of which has hardened criminals looking over their shoulders.

Took an unplanned detour or two looking for the truth behind everything, and just as he thought he had everything figured out Jeremy resurfaced and brought it all tumbling down.

And then like.

Disbelief and anger and all that at finding out Jeremy was alive? (And guilt, for not looking for him hard enough, thinking he’d die that easily, who knows.)

Wanders about aimlessly after that for a while as Jeremy’s putting his life back together. Ryan did some shit he doesn’t think even Jeremy would forgive him for, and anyway, anyway, it’s better like this, you know? Not like Jeremy ever like-liked him, and other bullshit reasons.

Just when he’s about to set himself up for a life as a miserable bastard he runs into this little thief.

Has zero (0) plans to get to know the little bastard, but Gavin’s curious and persistent and before Ryan knows it Gavin’s carved a spot for himself in Ryan’s life.

Also, to his horror, Ryan’s gone and got FEELINGS for the idiot.

Mutual Pining, because of course?

idiots being idiots, and Gavin dragging Ryan out of that pit he’s tossed himself into bit by bit. And just when it seems like maybe Ryan can find some peace of mind?

The whole Thing of Jeremy’s father’s death and Ryan still having FEELINGS for Jeremy that make him want to find out what the fuck’s going on with that. (Because FEELINGS, but also they get wind of some terrible rumors surrounding the whole business, and also people wanting Jeremy out of the way, and just. Yeah.)

Still.

Ryan’s too dumb to know Gavin would help him out in a hearbeat if he asked like a normal human being because friends? So he goes and fucking hires Gavin, and then the thing with Jeremy’s Batman-ing and various things that end with the whole Jeremy being shot and Dramatic Reveal and yes.

Suspicion and paranoia (~broken trust that’s just them being dumb, but with good reason) and Delicious Angst and Drama as the three of them try to work together to find out what the fuck is going on.

Also?

Mutual pining like whoah because of course Jeremy and Ryan are still in love with one another after all this time? But now they’re also in love with Gavin and Gavin’s in love with them and they’re all super fucking dumb about it.

Trevor and Matt figure out the whole complicated ~love triangle (it really isn’t that, though, like wow, no) almost immediately and are just like jfc, why all the time the three of them are painfully oblivious about things?

Lots of fights with the baddies and minor injuries that allow Jeremy, Ryan, and Gavin to fuss over one another and have quite confession times about shit.

(Jeremy telling Ryan he wanted to tell him who he was before The Mission. Ryan wanting to ~reveal he was still alive to Jeremy but being afraid what might happen if he did because emotional constipation? Jeremy and Gavin and the whole situation they’ve been dealing with since they met, because omg, idiots. And then, like. Ryan and Gavin and this whole Thing neither of them have face up to between them that’s been brewing for forever. AND. The three of them being really fucking stupid about things.)

And then!

Final Confrontation in which they finally uproot the conspiracy/baddies responsible for The Mission and Jeremy’s father’s dead and this ??? moment where they’re not sure what’s going to happen now that everything’s dealt with?

Like.

Gavin’s still a thief and Ryan’s done some things (he thinks) Jeremy would never forgive him for and fuck knows what’s going on with Jeremy and his Batman-ing now.

Ryan and Gavin are about to take off - better that away and obviously Jeremy doesn’t have FEELINGS for them - when Trevor and Matt have ahd enough and engineer a situation where the three of them have no choice but to figure their shit out.

Lock them in a room/wherever together and refuse to let them out until they fucking talk to one another or something simlar and then it’s just.

Jesus Christ it’s awkward. And painful. And honestly kind of horrible, but they do the Talking and realize holy shit, they do have FEELINGS for one another and realize they could maybe actually do something good about it if they fucking tried, so.

Yes.

The three of them getting their shit together and  Jeremy continuing to Batman.

Ryan and Gavin sticking around, although now they’re working (mostly, although there are times they Thief when it comes to pretty shinies or just a unique challenge rather than for crime’s sake. (But that’s actually okay, because it means cat and mouse games with Jeremy in which outrageous cheating methods such as kissing Jeremy stupid are employed or vice versa and just. Yes.)

Jeremy takes a twisted sort of delight in confusing the fuck out the tabloids because he’s seen out and about with Gavin or Ryan. It’s assumed he’s shamelessly cheating on one with the other? But then the three of them are caught on what’s clearly a romantic night out or whatever and is the Dooley heir in a poly relationship or just that shameless???

And so on.

But really, it’s the three of them being complete assholes who are totally ~in love with one another taking perverse joy in tormenting the tabloids and all that.

:D????

[grimelords]

October Playlist

My October playlist is finished and it’s complete from Rico Nasty to Rachmaninoff. I absolutely guarantee there’s something you’ll love in this 3 and a half hours of music, and probably something you’ll hate too! Something for everyone!

If you’d like to have these playlists delivered to your inbox instead of having them randomly appear on your dash, please subscribe to my tinyletter here.

listen here

Santeria - Pusha T: In anticipation of Jesus Is King I relistened to the entire Wyoming Sessions project a few times, and a year removed from all the hype and controversy here's the thing: it's fucking great. The individual albums ranged pretty widely in quality and felt slightly unfinished for how short they were sometimes, but taking the project as a whole 5-album 120 minute playlist it turns out it's a masterpiece. My personal tracklist goes Ye/Daytona/Nasir/KTSE/Kids See Ghosts, which isn't release order but I think makes it flow the best - both Kanye albums bookending it and the less impactful Nas and Teyana Taylor albums buried a bit further in where you can appreciate them now that you're deep in the mindset of the whole thing rather than alone on their own.

Puppets (Succession Remix) - Pusha T & Nicholas Brittel: This remix is such a perfect match: Pusha T’s corporate villainy finally given a context and prestige it deserves. It’s also short enough that it could feasible be the actual theme song next season, which would be a marked improvement imo.

Use This Gospel - Kanye West, Clipse & Kenny G: I am and remain a Kanye stan, even after everything. It’s nice to see him going back to the extremely uneven mastering of MBDTF era, it’s a sound that is uniquely his and it’s fun to see him revisit it. The thick vocoder harmony is so soupy you get lost in it, and the way it opens up to include the full choir in the No Malice verse is beautiful. Kanye reunited Clipse through Christ and we have Him to thank for that at least. The Kenny G break is great, and the grain and dirt on the whole track when the beat kicks in is so gritty you can feel it.

Man Of The Year - Schoolboy Q: I didn't love the Chromatics album they surprise released but it did thankfully remind me of the time Schoolboy Q sampled Cherry for Man Of The Year. Taken exclusively on lyrics, Man Of The Year is a triumph: he's the man of the year and it's all worked out but the sample and the beat underscores the dead eyed melancholy that runs through the whole of Oxymoron of never winning even when you've won.

Cold - Rico Nasty: This song fucking tears your face off. Imagine STARTING your album at this level of intensity. She just goes straight to 100 and burns the house down. Outside of Lil John so few rappers can get away with just straight up screaming in the adlibs but the way she just lung tearingly screams GOOOO through this is fucking sick.

Fake ID - Riton & Kah-Lo: TikTok songs are becoming their own genre, but it’s a very nebulous sort of a mood encompassing everything from aughts pop punk hooks to skipping rope raps like this. It’s a strange new way for songs to blow up that everyone seems compelled to write articles about but my take on it is it’s exactly the same as ads were in the old days. Remember how many songs did absolute numbers because someone put it in a Motorola ad? Same thing except you’re not being sold a phone this time, so in some ways it’s better. Anyway, this song bangs. The spirit of 212 era Azealia Banks lives on even if she’s doing her best ever since then to kill it.

Doctor Pressure - MYLO & Miami Sound Machine: There was a very good era in the mid-2000s where you could just put mashups out as singles and they’d chart, it was sick. My only two examples are this and Destination Calabria but I’m sure there’s more. Drop The Pressure is a masterpiece but as an alternate version this mashup is equally masterful.  

If You’re Tarzan, I’m Jane - Martika: Martika is unfortunately best known for the 1989 one hit wonder Toy Soldiers, a sort of boring overdramatic ballad which is best known for being sampled by Eminem in 2004 in his quite bad super duper serious song Like Toy Soldiers. I say unfortunately because every other song on her first album is great, it’s all hypercolour 80s synthpop and I love this song especially because it is so completely stuffed with activity it becomes dizzying. It gets so lost in itself that they completely abandon the dramatic pause before “I’m Jane” for some reason toward the end and instead just layer three different tracks of vocal adlibs. Every part of this song is great, the weird ‘o we o we o’ chant before the second verse? The neighing horse guitar before the bridge? The musical tour of the world IN the bridge? The part where she says ‘I want to swing on your vine?’. This song has everything.

You Got Me Into This - Martika: Every part of the instrumentation in this is amazing. The bass sound, the main synth, the extremely athletic brass, the wonderful echoing 80s snare that’s as big as a house. I just love it. She also does some really intriguing slurs on the word ‘love’ all the way through, just moving it around absolutely anywhere.

Space Time Motion - Jennifer Vanilla: I love when someone has such a clearly defined aesthetic and mission from the very beginning. Jennifer Vanilla is the alter ego of Becca Kaufmann from Ava Luna who I've had in this playlist before but never competely investigated. Jennifer Vanilla feels like an episode of Sex And The City where Samantha gets really into Laurie Anderson and she is incredible. This video is the best mission statement I’ve ever seen and is currently criminally underviewed so please do your part and support the Jennifer cause by watching these two videos.

So Hot You’re Hurting My Feelings - Caroline Polachek: Caroline Polachek said watch me write a Haim song and did it. Apparently the very early versions of this album started when she was in writing sessions for Katy Perry, but then it started to turn into something else and she took it for herself, and I think you can hear that. With more normal production and a little faster this is a hundred percent a Katy Perry song, but instead it’s completely uniquely Caroline Polachek and it’s all the better for it. And also Katy Perry must be furious because her new songs are simply not good at all.

Electric Blue - Arcade Fire: I just love the obsession of this song in the outro, chanting over and over and over “Cover my eyes electric blue, every single night I dream about you”

Promiscuous - Nelly Furtado and Timbaland: I got a youtube ad for one of those Masterclass videos the other day and it was Timbaland teaching production. This ad went for five minutes for some reason and I watched the whole thing and it made me admire Timbaland even more. He’s demonstrating his compositional technique which is basically to just beatbox, and then loop it, and then add some extra percussion layers with more beatboxing and hand percussion, then loop that and add a little melody by singing or humming. ‘It’s that simple’ he says. Then later he goes back in and puts in actual drums or synths or whatever. I was stunned because suddenly a lot of his music makes sense. Without the barrier of instrument or timbre to get hung up on it allows him to write from this instantly head-nodding place of just making up a little beat you can sing and dance to immediately. Listening to a lot of his music now you can hear the bones underneath everything so clearly, all his beats are supremely beatboxable and all his melodies are very hummable, they’ve never overcomplicated by instrumental skill or habits, they just exist to serve the song.

Serpent - TNGHT:  TNGHT are back baby and this song is like nothing I’ve ever heard before. It feels like afrofuturist footwork from another dimension, the mbira sounding lead against the oil drum percussion in this cacophony of yelps and screams that just builds to an irrepressible energy without a bassline in sight.

Ghosts Of My Life - Rufige Kru: I'm reading Mark Fisher's Ghosts Of My Life right now and some good person has put together a spotify playlist of all the songs he mentions. He has a whole essay about why this song is sick so I’m not going to go into it here but it’s interesting to hear about someone growing up with jungle when it’s a genre that has always felt very niche to me. I guess partly as a result of it never really making it mainstream as a genre here, and also me being a little too young for it.

Renegade Snares - Omni Trio: My biggest introduction to drum and bass comes from the game Midnight Club 3: Dub Edition and this really great song from the soundtrack that is finally on spotify after a very long absence. At almost the exact same time as I discovered this song with its spacious piano and repitched snares, I discovered Venetian Snares and breakcore in general. Having no particular frame of reference for breakcore as an offshoot of drum and bass only amplified its appeal to me as a completely alien genre that sounded like nothing else I’d ever heard, and so my personal history with drum and bass is a story of walking backwards into it after the fact which is interesting if not helpful.

Punching In A Dream - The Naked And Famous: The Mark Fisher book also mentions the Tricky song which I’ve never heard from which The Naked And Famous got their name and I thought ‘man remember The Naked And Famous, they were sick?’. The sort of harder edged Passion Pit instrumentation mixed with pop punk, a winning combination.

Vegas - Polica: My favourite part of this song is the unexpected blastbeats after the chorus, using their two drummers to their full advantage and just shaking the song by its foundations every now and then lest you get too comfortable.

Right Words - Cults: I’m beginning to suspect I may be the last surviving Cults stan but if this be my lot I’ll gladly do it

Running From The Sun - Chromatics: The new Chromatics album got me to relisten to their definitive document Kill For Love, and something new I appreciated this time about an album I love a lot is its length. Kill For Love is almost 80 minutes long and it luxuriates in that length. It’s sequenced perfectly so it never feels like it’s long for no reason, but large chunks just completely space out and go out of focus in the soft neon light and the second half of this song is a good example. The whole thing just evaporates into smoke and it feels perfect. If this were a shorter and more concise song that had a proper ending it wouldn’t feel right, this whole album has no straight edges at all and it’s all the better for it.

Chance - Angel Olsen: I cannot belive this song. This feels like she wrote her own version of My Way looking forward instead of back. Instead of the ruefully triumphant "I've lived a life that's full / I've traveled each and every highway" it's “I don't want it all / I've had enough / I don't want it all / I've had a love." before the turn from the future to the present at the end, where she gives up on a forever love in exchange for right now. I love how raw this vocal take feels. It's not her best voice but it feels very very honest as a result. She's just singing her heart out in this huge showstopping closer. In an interview she said "I didn’t love the recording of it very much, and now I just feel in love with it as a closing statement, because it’s a way of saying, ‘Look, I have hope for the next thing in my life.’ I’m not going to anticipate negativity or hate or an end. But instead of us looking towards forever, why don’t we just work on right now?"

Something To Believe - Weyes Blood: This album just keeps paying dividends. I’m systematically going through long obsessive periods with every single song on it and now it’s Something To Believe’s turn.

Don’t Shut Me Up (Politely) - Brigid Mae Power: Without meaning to, Brigid Mae Power seems to have created some incredible fusion of folk music and stoner metal. The way this song absolutely sits unmoving on one deep and resonant chord for so long is amazing. When it does change chords it feels like a full body effort to get up and shift. She has a similar feeling to Emma Ruth Rundle, who more explicitly wears her metal influences, but Brigid Mae Powers' strength is in how much it resembles the traditional folk side of the spectrum. Her voice is also amazing, with the huge effortless runs she goes on about halfway through just coming unmoored from the song completely and floating off into space.

Sweetheart I Ain’t Your Christ - Josh T. Pearson: I had a real problem with Josh T. Pearson for a long time because of how he presents as so authentic on this album, and as I’ve previously discussed in these playlists the concept of authenticity in country music is a source of neverending anguish for me. But his newest album The Straight Hits! has largely cured that for me because it’s not good at all, is extremely contrived (all the song titles have the word ‘hit’ in them) and he’s shaved his beard and replaced it with one of the worst irony moustaches I’ve ever seen. So now I’m free to enjoy The Last Of The Country Gentlemen as a character construction, which allows me a far deeper and truer engagement than the idea of a man actually living and thinking like this which is frankly a little embarrassing.

Codeine Dream - Colter Wall: I love this song, it has that feeling that great folk songs do of feeling like you’ve always known it. The strongest moments on this Colter Wall album to me are in songs like this that chase this particular feeling of morose isolation, and where he leans away from storytelling like his biggest hit Kate McCannon - a kind of cliche country murder ballad. This song is fantastic because of the way it wallows in this black depression not as a low point, but as a reprieve from the lower previous point. Things are as bad as they get now, and they’re always going to be like this, but at least I don’t dream of you anymore.

Motorcycle - Colter Wall: I only just found out about Colter Wall this month and have been listening to this album over and over. When I first heard him I though it was strange I'd never heard of him before because he's obviously some old country veteran based off his voice, but it turns out he's 24 and this is his first album he just sings like he ate a cigar. I love this song especially because it's so straighforward. It's a simple and supremely relatable mood: what if I bought a motorbike and fucking died.

Who By Fire - Leonard Cohen: I watched American Animals a couple of weeks ago and it’s a great movie, highly recommended. This song plays near the end and I waited for the credits to find out what this great song was, and like a rube found out it’s only one of the most celebrated songwriters of all time. I’ve never had much of a Leonard Cohen phase, somehow. In my mind I always get him mixed up with Lou Reed, which I’m learning is actually way off. I love the harmony vocals in this, and the way they move around into the shadows in the ‘who shall I say is calling’ parts.

Words From The Executioner To Alexander Pearce - The Drones: Alexander Pearce was a convict who escaped Sarah Island’s penal settlement in Tasmania with seven other convicts in 1822. He was recaptured two months later alone. In 1823 he re-escaped with a fellow convict, Thomas Cox and again was returned alone.He was executed by hanging later having eaten six men during his escape attempts.

It Ain’t All Flowers - Sturgill Simpson: I found this album going through the Pichfork 200 albums of the decade list and I feel like a fool for not having heard it sooner because now I am completely obsessed. Sturgill Simpson is doing the very best work in country music right now because he's looking backwards with one eye and forwards with the other and this song is a great illustration: a perfect Hank Williams Jr type country song with big voiced hollers that morphs into a surprise psych freakout for the whole second half.

Desolation Row (Take 1, Alternate Take) - Bob Dylan: I’ve always liked Desolation Row a lot as a song but the acoustic guitar on the album version is simply not good, it's just kind of mindlessly playing this long directionless solo the whole time and over the course of a song this long it really adds up to just being annoying. Luckily because it’s a Bob Dylan song there’s a whole universe of alternate takes and mixes and this is a great pared down version I found without it. The best kind of Bob Dylan songs are the ones where he just makes an endless stream of allusions and bizzare imagery, and this and Bob Dylan's 115th Dream are my favourite examples of it.

Living On Credit Blues - El Ten Eleven: This is a groove I get stuck in my head a lot, and this is also a song I think would work well as a theme for a tv show. I've been meaning to do a 30 second edit of it just for my own amusement, maybe I'll do that soon. El Ten Eleven are a duo where one guy plays drums and one guys plays a double necked guitar/bass and looping pedals and somehow against all the odds of that description they manage to make emotional, driving instrumental music of very deep feeling, like this song which is one of my all time favourites.

Dusty Flourescent/Wooden Shelves - Talkdemonic: This is sort of a companion Living On Credit Blues, and Talkdemonic are similarly an instrumental duo with good drums. This entire album from 2005 is highly recommended, it's a sort of halfway between the post rock of the time and a kind of acoustic hiphop instrumentals that ends up sounding very rustic and homemade, like a soudtrack for a winter cabin.

Turnstile Blues - Autolux: This is a perfect song, built around a perfect beat. Every part just fits perfectly.

Fort Greene Park - Battles: The new Battles album is finally out and I absolutely love it. I cannot think of another band that has shed members in the same way as Battles; originally a quartet on their first album, then a trio for their second and third and now down to a duo for their fourth album - and somehow still performing material from their first album live. The paring down has seemingly only servers to focus them and the new album sounds fresh but still distinctively Battles, with no sense of anything lost or missing. This song is my standout so far, and the guitar line in particular is so good and interesting to me because I don’t think I’ve ever heard Ian Williams play something so distinctly guitar-y in his whole career. This is a straight up pentatonic riff with bends and everything. Filtered through his usual chopped and looped oddness it feels like he’s almost gone all the back around the guitar continuum and is this close to just doing power chords next album. And I’ll support him!

Diane Young - Vampire Weekend: I've listened to this song a lot in my life and I only looked up the lyrics the other day to find out that the opening line is 'you torched a SAAB like a pile of leaves' which I somehow never noticed. What a power phrase. There's also this very good quote from Ezra about it: "I had this feeling that the world doesn’t want a song called ‘Dying Young’,“ says Koenig, "it just sounded so heavy and self-serious, whereas ‘Diane Young’ sounded like a nice person’s name.”" and he was right to do it. This song is 100 times better because he’s saying Diane Young than it would be if he was saying ‘Dying Young’. That’s a songwriting tip for you.

Monster Mash - Bootsy Collins & Buckethead: Hey did you hear Bootsy Collins and Buckethead did a cover of the monster mash? Thank god for freaks.

The Dark Sentencer - Coheed And Cambria: There's not that many bands that I absolutely loved as a teenager that I've completely abandoned. I've moved on from a lot but I'll still keep up with them if they have a new album or something. Coheed And Cambria are one that I've almost completely turned my back on. They've had 3 apparently pretty patchy albums since I stopped listening after Year Of The Black Rainbow, which was extremely bad and really taught me what people mean when they say an album is 'overproduced'. On a whim I decided to see what they're up to now and listened to their album from last year and guess what: it rocks. It's got everything you'd expect from them: big riffs, bad and confusing lyrics, his weird high voice, overwrought and overlong songwriting, cheesy muscleman solos. Everything about this band is sort of cheesy and embarrassing and takes itself way too seriously, but I'm discovering slowly that that's what's so good about it. The weird pulp sci-fi story and mindset that underpins this whole band is ridiculous and overwrought and as a result it gives the music a reason to exist the way it does. It’s so big and dumb because the story it serves is so big and dumb. It feels exactly like reading Perry Rhodan or some increidibly long and dense but not especially good series like that, it’s pulp music and that’s what I love about it.

Romance In A (6 Hands) - Sergei Rachmaninoff: Piano works for 4 hands (where two guys sit next to each other on the same piano) have always seemed to tend towards the realm of the gimmick or party trick, and works for 6 hands (where three guys do it) even more so - but this Rachmaninoff piece is just beautiful and I can’t believe I haven’t heard of it before this month. It doesn’t overload everyone with a million things to do, it just builds this very wide harmonic bed for the simple melody to swim in - then the way the melody transfers over to the middle register is just magical before the tension of the final section takes over and builds.

Love's Theme - The Love Unlimited Orchestra: I’m so glad I got to learn about the Love Unlimited Orchestra this month. Aside from having one of the best names in music, they were Barry White’s backing band and had their own solo instrumental records too. Here’s a fun aside: Kenny G was a member when he was 17 and still in high school. This is a genre of music that has seemed to totally disappear into the realm of parody and farce only which is sort of a shame because it is unironically very beautiful and dense in its own way.

Dancing In The Moonlight - Liza Minelli: Can you believe I thought Dancing In The Moonlight by Toploader was an original until the other day when my girlfriend played this Liza Minelli version that predates it by several decades? This also isn’t the original! It was written by a band named King Harvest in 1972, with this version AND a version by Young Generation both coming out in 73 and a whole bunch of others in between (including a Baha Men version in 94) before Toploader finally had a proper hit with it in 2000. Truly the world works in mysterious ways. This version is the finest I think, it just goes and goes, frenetically unwinding at a breakneck pace before opening up into a flute solo of all things and then winding up again even and finishing in a kick line breakdown. Absolutely no limits.

Girls - Royal Headache: The sheer amount of power and melody that this song manages to pack into a minute and a half is incredible, and I don’t think I’ve ever heard a more instantly relatable opening lyric than “Girl! Think they’re to fine for me! Oh girls! And I’m inclined to agree!”

Pov Piti - Matana Roberts: In anticipation of Matana Roberts new volume of her Coin Coin album series that just came out I relistened through the three previous albums and they are even more powerful than I remembered. This song serves as a pretty good mission statement for the whole project, and the heartrending tortured screams that open it set the tone for the rest of it. Matana Roberts sings the injustices of slavery into being, and her sing-song delivery highlights the trauma - her indifferent delivery mirroring the indifference of the world at large. The way she rattles off this story like she’s gone over it a million times and grown numb to the facts only accentuates the pain in the telling, a pain that rises to the surface in the screams of her instrument and herself.  

Kingdoms (G) - Sunn 0))): This new Sun 0))) album is one of my favourites they’ve ever done because it’s so straightforward and back to basics. Every song is just ten minutes of straight up no-nonsense, big, rich, drone. They even put the notes in the track names so you can drone along if you like.

listen here

[parspicle]

Drabble #Bonus: Error and Ink playing Minecraft together. Survival mode, no Creative available

Word count: 1,681

Ink, in the middle of a fight, grabbed Error by the hood. He dragged the poor glitch into a portal while he struggled and shouted, “What the hell, Ink?!”

“Come on, let’s play Minecraft,” Ink shrugged.

“what.”

“Minecraft! The fight’s getting boring.”

“You can’t just, you can’t just! What?!”

“Plus, Dream, Cross, and Pale are playing and I wanted to play, but you decided to, fuckin’, try to destroy shit. You owe me.”

“I don’t owe you shit!”

“Well, too bad, fuck you! Suffer!”

A couple of minutes later, Error was sitting next to Ink, very unhappily, with a laptop open with Minecraft on the screen.

“Why the hell did I agree to this?”

“It’s better than fighting the one and only love of your life?” 

“It’s worse!”

“Fuck you too!”

Error leaned over and kissed Ink’s cheek. Ink smiled and opened up the game on his own computer. He and Error joined Dream’s server.

Cats_Dont_Glitch joined the game.

AcePainter joined the game.

I got ruru to join X3

if you call me that ever again I’m getting a divorce

were not even married

yet 

ill divorce you from life

error what the fUCK is your name

awww it;s cute!!!

im on board for banning ink if he ever talks like that again :)

what noooo

I am

l e a v i n g

not allowed

Error pressed Escape. Ink caught his hand before he could press Save and Quit to Title. Ink begged, “Come on, please? It’ll be fun! I promise!”

Error stared. Ink stared back. 

Error broke, and sighed, “Fine.”

“Hell yes!”

HE’S STAYING BOIS

hell yes 

.pvp false

fuck

WAIT NO DONT TURN PVP OFF

YOU’RE GONNA KILL ERROR

I WON’T

PVP’S FUN

don’t turn it off I’m begging yku

you

guys don’t bully him he’s gonna leave

it’s off

nOOOOOOO

ha

you would have killed him too

lies

>:(

sorry I’ll stop bullying pale 

no promises for error

Cats_Dont_Glitch tried to swim in lava

paletheskeleton was pushed off a cliff by xX_cr055_Xx

crOSS.

ha.

Ink leaned back from his laptop and looked over at Error’s screen, muttering, “Oh my god,” as he saw it, which was filled with Cross chasing him with a sword.

Error whined, “I’m being bullied.” 

“I… can see that!” 

dream can you slap cross for me he’s bullying Error

CROSS

I’M DOING NO SUCH THING

i’M SITTING NEXT TO ERROR I CAN SEE YOU CHASING HIM

  cross

honey

dear

love of my life

I’m a mod

I can see your messages to him.

what messages

you messaged error

and called him a bitch

did I

I think it was pale

was not

damnit take the hit for me ONCE

u did this to urself

i did not

error’s just a bitch

im leaving

error wait

no

I’m sorry about him 

Error’s cursor hovered over the exit button while Ink continued to beg him to not to leave.

“Please, Error, it’ll be fun! I promise Cross will stop bullying you. There are cats! I’ll help you build a castle with a bunch of cats in it if you stay, okay?”

Error stared at Ink. Ink widened his eyes, got tears to well up, and twisted his mouth into a frown. “Please…?”

Error stared at him. Ink gazed back, lip quivering. Error sighed and went back into the game.

i got guilt tripped into staying

heck yes!!!

i hate you

luv u too bb

Ink leaned over, back to smiling, and kissed Error on the cheek. Error rolled his eyes.

did he do the hewwo voice

that’s a good idea

but no

I just cried at him

hes v convincing

ha nice

“So… what do you do?”

“You sorta just… go around creating things! And, uh, surviving.”

“Surviving?”

oh shit boiz

baby’s nightfall

did you just call me a baby

dream says I have to say “no”

Error scowled.

Cross stop being a bitchass motherfuck

Ink rolled his eyes. “He’s such an asshole sometimes. I’m not sure how Dream is dating both him and Pale.”

Error shrugged, “Maybe he sees stoic, emotionless ‘bitchass motherfucks’, as you so eloquently put it, and goes, ‘oh shit. I gotta fuck that’.”

Ink couldn’t control his laughter. He laughed and laughed, and his head ended up between Error’s chin and shoulder. He smiled and looked up at the love of his life. “You really live up to the nickname of ‘the universe destroying manbaby’.”

“I’m sorry, the nickname of what.”

Ink wove his hand back and forth- “Nothing! Forget I said anything!”

“What? No! The hell is that nickname?!”

Ink shrugged. 

ink just called me a universe destroying manbaby.

cross. Explain.

;) 

no idea what you’re talking about.

you better watch your fucking back

I thought we agreed we weren’t going tell him that

sorry

I slipped up :( 

you weren’t going to tell me??

the hell babe >:(

look can we please just forget this so we can play?? 

I just wanna play minceraft and be gay :(

fine

Error sighed, “I really hate you sometimes.”

“I love you, too!”

After around two hours of Error and Ink making fun of each other, they managed to go out into the world and build a dirt house.

hru two doin

good, i think

can I come see

no

dont be a fuck

y o u dont be a fuck >:( 

k im going over

cross

no!

cross

yes

pale says yes

stop bullying error!!

im not

im bullying ink

wait no 

go back to bullying error

:( 

can we see y o u r house first?

sure.

Ink went over to see where Dream, Cross and Pale had set up their base. What met him was the three, along with their complicated, towering tree house, stuck up in a jungle tree. Birds were on the fences, there were cats on the beds, and flower pots on the tables.

holy shIT 

;)

it was mostly pale!!

and u

awwww that’s v sweet

it’s wrong! But sweet

I don’t think I want you guys to see my house now.

error you might wanna see this

im good

id rather hang out with these cats.

Understandable! Can you tame one and then bring them back??

no 

:(

please?

fine

y’all can like. Go to our house soon if you want :)

Cross ran over, Dream following closely behind. The pair stared at the tiny house the two had made. It was around 4-6 blocks tall, 10 blocks wide, and 10 blocks long. Error’s cats were in the house, along with two basic beds, and nothing else.

you’ve done

only this

in two hours

this is my first time playing minecraft with ink

oh awww

were you two too busy kissing to focus ;)

yes.

nO

ERRORS LYING THE ANSWER IS TEA

tea.

tea

tea

tea.

tea.

Error smiled to himself. Ink freaked out at the sight of Error’s genuine smile and started typing. 

HE’S SMILING

WHAT TAKE A PICTURE

lies

error can’t SMILE

ykw fuck you all

also ink stfu

NEVER YOUR SMILE’S ADORABLE

>:( I don’t sMILE

I bet your smile’s wonderful, error :) 

I DONT SMILE

you do and its cute

I do NOT

accept it

you’re adorable

shtu up

Ink went to type something, and then stopped. He looked over at Error, whose amount of glitches were heightened. He stopped typing. He blinked.

“Hey, you okay?”

Error shook his head.

“Want me to stop?”

Error nodded his head.

“Alright.”

hey were gonna log off for a bit

we’re just gonna walk

ok!! I hope you two have fun with that!!

Cats_Dont_Glitch has left the game.

AcePainter has left the game.

Error took a deep breath. He took in the deep, sparkling stars, calming himself down.

Ink managed to find the words for, “I’m sorry I freaked you out.”

“It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not. You asked me to stop and I didn’t stop. I know better than that.” 

Error turned to face Ink. He smiled. “It’s fine because you know what you did wrong. And you apologized for it. And I love you.”

[uncomfortablyanonymous]

[Image ID: Black text on a white background. The last few sentences are highlighted in blue. The text reads:

"But then, I don't know - my dad, right now, I think, is just meant to tend his back garden. He's lost his wife, and I think all he's meant to do right now, for the most part - it's going to make me cry - is play with his grandkids, and create this back garden. He's turned it into, like, a subtropical jungle. He's got a water feature and a moat. He's gone crazy, as grief will make you do, but he's gone toward beauty and nature and self-soothing. And I'm really kind of impressed with him for that. The fact that he's created something so beaut-

[A pause. Garfield tears up]

Fuck. Fucking hell, man. It's awful. It hurts - the beauty of it hurts, so much. Knowing he's created something so beautiful out of the worst loss you could ever, like - [voice breaking] They were together, in love. They were an imperfect couple that stayed together. And for him to be left, now, to deal with what that means - I'm not going to speak for his experience, because that's not appropriate. [From here to the end of the passage is highlighted] But I feel like I can say: I feel like making a garden is plenty. You know what I mean? I don't think we're all meant to save the world all the time."

End ID]

andrew garfield for gq, 2022