#icannot believe

[noblehcart]

Here is an extensive challenge to compensate for all the memes I missed:

“ soundtrack ”

Olga & Tristan

Liesel & Tristan

Stefan & Tristan

Nina & Tristan

Marguerite & Tristan

Mia & Tristan

Kisa & Tristan

Liliya & Tristan

Darkest Liesel & Darkest Tristan

+

Vampire Olga or Vampire OTMA

Hades & Persephone

Travelling worlds

send me “ soundtrack ” and i’ll tell you the song that plays when ours muses are on screen together @lordofthestrix

Olga & Tristan- Marianelli: Dawn (From "Pride & Prejudice" Soundtrack) & Arrival of the birds from The Theory of Everything

Liesel & Tristan- Wicked Game feat. Annaca & Love Lost (Piano Version) by Mattia Cupelli

Stefan & Tristan- No Time For Caution - Hans Zimmer & Destroyer Of Worlds by Ludwig Göransson

Nina & Tristan- The Magic Music Box by Jojo Comps AND ALSO Fantaisie-Impromptu Op. 66 by Chopin

Marguerite & Tristan- Paint It, Black (Epic Cello Version) by Diego Mitre & Potter Waltz by Patrick Doyle

Mia & Tristan- UNTOLD by Antonio Passaretti

Kisa & Tristan- Concerning Hobbits from Lord of the Rings - The Fellowship of the Ring

Liliya & Tristan- Cloud Atlas Opening Title from Cloud Atlas

Darkest Liesel & Darkest Tristan- Feeling Good - EPIC VERSION

Vampire Olga or Vampire OTMA- The Forsaken Waltz by Joshua Kyan Aalampour

Hades & Persephone- That Next Place by Thomas Newman

Travelling worlds- Bronwyn and Arondir by Bear McCreary & Fate of the Fallen by Eternal Eclipse

[ponycraft]

i hate this guy (joke) anyway peep the interest that came back after several years (i still die over the finale)

lowkey human bill design is inspired by this fella here please go look at their content im so in love w their bill human design and it plagues my MIIIND

[aropride]

aropride -> lookatyounow !!!

[segretecose]

it’s literally monday again icannot believe it

[aftonsparv-bugzz]

꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷

:33 < INTRO ⋆｡°✩ -⁉️

[pt: INTRO]

☆ ★ ✮ ★ ☆☆ ★ ✮ ★ ☆☆ ★ ✮ ★ ☆☆ ★ ✮ ★ ☆

\ | /

✮⋆˙🪼⋆.ೃ࿔*:･🪼⋆.ೃ࿔*:･🎸⋆⭒˚｡⋆🪼⋆.ೃ࿔*:･🪼⋆.ೃ࿔*:✮⋆˙

:33 < if we are mewtuals, i ask you to please go check out my (now updated) byf. (please check when this post was last updated !!) youdo not have to, it would be great if youdid though (if youhave read it iwould prefer you interact with the post somehow, but it is not forced !!)

[pt: if we are mewtuals, i ask you to please go check out my (now updated) byf. (please check when this post was last updated !!) youdo not have to, it would be great if youdid though (if youhave read it iwould prefer you interact with the post somehow, but it is not forced !!)

:33 < check this out !! (its my info for requests !! :3 request at my side blog only, @neprequests ) (request info last updated: 16:11 (?), may 15, 2024) (this pinned post was last updated tuesday 11th june 2024 at 19:49/7:49 pm)

🌊✮ ⋆ 🦈｡ * ⋆｡🌊✮ ⋆ 🦈｡ * ⋆｡🌊✮ ⋆ 🦈｡ * ⋆｡🌊🦈｡ * ⋆

:33 < velop !1!1 my names are: tesco, tuesday, nepeta/nepetar, gamz/gamzee, kk/kar/kat/karkat, dave strider, davepeta don/donnie/donatello mikey/michelangelo ect (alot of names, iknow) and this is my blogggg !1!1 ˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

:33 < my pronouns are all !2!2 (alternating) (do not use "she/her" when referring to me as nepeta though.)

*ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻*ੈ✩‧₊˚*ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻*ੈ✩‧₊˚*ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻*

:33 < ihave avpd and am a susterm (and theres more to sli but vi'll not talk about that :o] )

B33 < dni + other things under the cut - !!

dni:

[pt: dni]

B33 < general dni: racist, lgbtqia2s+phobic, intersexist ect

:33 < against xenos and alterhumans

:33 < exclusionists

:33 < against good faith identities

:33 < anti mspec gays/lesbians/lesboys/turigirls ect

B33 < agaisnt littles/agere/petre/agedre/petdre/any other form of regression

:33 < proshipper/comshipper/anti shipper who condones and/or harrasses those shippers

:33 < zionists and antisematists

:33 < "radqueers...."/harmful "trans ids"

B33 < anti polyamory

B33 < radfems/anti trans ect >:o[

:33 < anti juggalis (iam a juggalo there will be no juggalox discoruse here !1!1 >:o(()

:33 < if you post hate/alienating/any stereotypes to any of the following: clowns, vampires, aliens, ghosts, or any of my kittypes/any of my fictives

B33 < you use "clown" in a bad or negative way (or any of my kintypes !!)

:33 < you villanise/hate of gamzee (or any of my kintypes !!)

:33 < basically just dont interact if you see my kintypes badly cause thats seeing me badly :oP

:33 < you arent normal about delusional people/feed into their delusions/reality check them without consent/use "delulu"/say/call people/yourself "delusional" when you arent actually delusional

:33 < reality checking of any kind. ido not care that you are "anti" or "pro" endo, youhave no right to reality chevk delusional systems, and generally nobody has the right to reality check ANY delusional folks.

B33 < say pd slurs when youdont have that pd (cant recalimm it)

:33 < use slurs youcannot reclaim, or call people slurs they arent comfortable being called

B33 < youdont believe holotheres are valid

B33 < kincourse, syscourse, general discourse blogs

:33 < pro-c/com/neu harmful paras.

B33 < you villanise any pds or mental illnesses

B33 < "minors dni"

:33 < heavy kinhk/ndsfw blog 1!!1 (im a minor !1!1!1 not against it, just dont want to see it cause im under 18 and geett triggered by it 0_=)

B33 < ork done :3

BYF:

[pt: BYF]

:33 < my alters may not always give translations to how they speak/typing quirks. that icannot control (may add a translation if possible though !!)

B33 < my alters typically call me "the original" or "the creator" (seemingly as they dont know theyre in a system, or just as a sign of respect, not too sure which) and usually call eachother/icall them "the others"

:33 < youshould let me know if youdont wanna become mewts through an ask or something. id you wanna follow me without us being mewts, let me know

B33 < my headmates (i use alters and headmates interchangeably and nobody has a preference, so its fine !!) are kinda uneducated, nobody really knows terminology like "alters, headmates, fronting" ect/dont know how to describe it so they'll probably just say "im here" instead of "im fronting" or something or refer to eachother as "the others" or just by their names

:33 < most headmates dont realise theyre in a system !! a few are aware, the rest just have no idea and dont question it :oP

:33 < ihave awful memory due to system amnesia and also prefer to be seen as one than multiple if possible (as in i usually say "i" instead of us for personal preference, but occasionally use "we" if needed !!) i use "we" and "us" in my head because iam more than one person but dont see the need for others to prefer to me as "us" and prefer being seen as one

B33 < we have awful communication. literally. we dont talk to eachother like.... ever.

:33 < some alters experience delusions/are very sensitive. be kind to them

:33 < some alters are non verbal/non scribal !!

B33 < they generally wont post as they are quite antisocial and have no interest in doing so. if they do, dont be surprised if "i"sound different

B33 < ihave fluctuated feelings about doubles. occasionally im fine with them, and theycan generally interact, but sometimes imight not respond to doubles because ifeel to overwhelmed to respond to "other me"s. please take this lightheartedly !! imean no harm !! iam not mad ^_^ (mewts that are doubles are ok !! :3 )

:33 < some alters do not like doubles. if they dont respond to doubles, dont be surprised.

B33 < im a self shipper, i typically dont mind sharing, but ocassionally get over protective so if we have the same f/o youcan interact but imight not always respond (ihave fluctuating feelings, the same as doubles interacting with me)

:33 < youhave to use tone tags with me. ido not understand basic tone, so please do use tone tags.

B33 < if you follow me iwill most likely follow back also please watch out ido tent to accidentally spam like, idont repost things, and i generally @ people so tell me not to do so if youdont want me to :oT

:33 < ido not answer dms :o( unless its something like an important question !! in that case iam free to answer !! ^_^

B33 < due to my decidiophobia, idont reblog things u_u also just generally if youre requesting something please be specific and im probably gonna give yiu multiple decisions cause icant make the decisions myself

B33 < i use alot of cat puns*, occasionally some clown and space puns too 1!1! i also do "33" when theres a double "ee" but vi'll try include a translation !1!1⋆｡𖦹°⭒˚｡⋆(*usually dont anymore)

:33 < this post + other postts may have spelling errors and mistakes. ihave tried to go back and fix it, but it has been difficult

to know more about me and my alter's boundaries: LOOK AT THIS

if we are mewts (moots) please trigger these things: caps* (capital letters), swearing,* slurs (that dosent include "queer"), paras/mentions of them, redhead jokes, any posts hating on ghosts/any post to do with ghost busters, any posts hating/steryotyping my kintypes in general, animal skeletons/taxidermy/ect, any sexual posts, horror/blood/gore/death, (fake or otherwise) reblog bait, long reblog posts, anything that could trigger my delusions (stuff like unreality/derealisaton/depersonalisation/paranoia, saying stuff that isnt true, ect), bunches of eyes, (or things that are deemed "creepy"), very heavy eyestrain, anything that could cause body/gender/species dysphoria, syscourse of ANY kind, vore of ANY kind (even sfw vore), mentions of demons, heavy christianity/christianity jokes (e.g. "im getting the holy water") ect. these trigger either me or the "others" so please do tag it. (/not forcing ofcourse) (please note that im not against all of these !! (minus red head jokes and ghostbusters ((ghostbuster fans can interact !! im just a little sensitive to it, thats all, nothing too serious !! im a ghostkin so it kinda makes me a little uncomfortable)) im very against/sensetive to those) they can just trigger me or the others !!)

mewts feel free to tell me if you need me specifically tagging anything !! :3 iwill always tag anything needed !! :3 and if we arent mewts but you still want me to tag something, please dont be shy and feel free to ask !! id rather you not get triggered than be triggered in any way, even it is the "wackiest, strangest, weirdest, most random" thing, if you get triggered by it and want me tagging it, iwill absolutely tag it !! ^_^

trigger tag is "tesco dont look" or "tagging for clown" if youd prefer not typing out the tw (tagging for all of us/the system as a whole youcan use "tagging for the wicked clownz" if youwant and tagging for me personally (tesco) youcan use "tagging for clown" or "tesco dont look". thank you !)

**these are for alters however keep in mind that my alters do not front often, and do not front for a while. i front like 90% of the time, and so if youcannot tag these things that is ok, it is just most preferred for us !! if you see any mewtuals of mine not tagging these things, dont come at them !! they do not have to, its just greatly appreciated

BOUNDRIES/RULES:

[pt: boundries/rules]

:33 < ask games/reblogging/chain games ?: no, not anything personal, but my fear of reblogging :oP

B33 < dms ? no :o(( (unless youhave something really important to ask/say !! then yea sure !! ^_^)

:33 < no swearing around my alters !! (unless they do so first)

B33 < i(and the alters) have the right to decline any request (though most likely wont)

:33 < i(and the alters) have the right to ignore/not respond to any ask (most likely wont though)

B33 < dont call me a fictkin, call me a fictionkin !! ican call myself fictkin if iwant, but usually wont !! i prefer "fictionkin" to "fictkin"

B33 < do NOT use she/her and likewise (eg shi/hir*, shx/hxr, ect) on me when referring to me as nepeta or referring to nepeta themself on this blog !! (headcanons on your blog are ok, but just please dont use she/her on nepeta here !! any fictionfolk and fictives who are nepeta and use she/her are fine, idont mind !! ^_^) (*shi/hir ISNT FOR PERISEX FOLKS, SO YOUDHOULDNT USE IT ON ME ANYWAY)

:33 < if youwant to be mewts, id prefer you just ask in the ask box !! no shame !! ^_^

B33 < if i make any kinsona art/fictionkin art, PLEASE tag it as "fictionkin" or "alterhuman" or something, and if a post of mine says "do not tag as kin/me/id" or "do not tag as ship" PLEASE reblog it with those tags too !! thank uou :o)

:33 < please dont ask for donations in my asks.

B33 < do not screenshot and reupload my posts without consent

:33 < this'll probably update in the future but thats it for now :oP

EXTRA INFO:

[pt: EXTRA INFO]

B33 < idont really talk about myself for reasons iwont state so thats why the info in this whole intro is focused more on other things than me

:33 < i use 1st person pronouns (sli/me/slime/slimeself fa/fan/fang/fangself, squ/squi/squid/squidself) so yea

B33 < if youdont have a dni or just say "proshippers dni" or "rqs dni" or something else im gonna iteract with you

:33 < i usually dont block people, even if theyre on my dni, so just a heads up :oT block button is my fear 0_o (avpd momer)

:33 < "velop" means hi by the way !! its my little alien way of greeting folks :33c

:33 < shared pronouns: @just-a-silly-clownguy: po/potion/potions, wi/wizzard/wizzards, sta/staff/staffs !! ^_^

here is how youcan help palestine, this is important !!(please donate IF YOUCAN, but if not because youre a minor, or dont have enough money to, that is ok, you are not a bad person for not being able to donate for palestine, make sure to support it in other ways though like boycotting companies !!)

B33 < there was more iwas gonna add but iforgor so this'll be updated later

B33 < ork done :3

B33 < (PLEASE DONT INVOLVE ME WITH ANY SYSTEM DISCOURSE !!)

:33 < please keep in mind ihave avpd and decidiophobia !! they impact me massively, so you prolly wont see me repost stuff (im a massive overthinker and reposting scares me iwould wabt my first repost to be perfect and cant decide what that would be) soooo iwill most likely @ you and respond in a post !! please tell me if youdont want me doing this !!

:33 < i'll try tag everything needed !1!1 (characters used, tws, ships, ectect)

🖤♡❤️‍🩹🐾👾🎶🎱☀🗯✂🎧

:33 < adults can interact !! just please keep it friendly and normal cause im a minor :33c

:33 < self dx with a lot of care is ok here !!1!₊˚⊹≽^•⩊•^≼₊˚⊹

B33 < typing quirks are ok here !! also, all neurodivergent individuals are welcome !!‧₊˚✩ 🪐✩˚₊‧ (if youre worried about translations, i usually put them in the tags. big long posts typically dont have it, and i generally dont use it when responding to asks )

B33 < my main instrests are: tmnt, homestuck, icp

:33 < other intrests: storybots, spiderverse, sanrio, lsoh, vocaloid, grease, west side story, the lego movie, bocchi the rock, detective connan, little witch academia, pokemon, mlp, les miserables, miffy, class of 09, needy streamer overload, lmk, garfield, hilda, sky cotl, idont know what else, i forgot !! :oP

★⛆૮ ･ ﻌ ･ ა✦

:33 < iam ID with donnie, (rottmnt) mikey, (2012 tmnt and rottmnt) with nepeta, (slis pfp is not me !!) karkat, gamzee, davepeta(sprite^2) and dave strider 1!!1! :oD also kin with more fictional characters but thats all im gonna say for now :oP im alsos a therian, otherkin and more !! :33

//⋆⋅☆⋅⋆\\ 👾🌈૮ ˙Ⱉ˙ ა rawr !!^_< -★ //⋆⋅☆⋅⋆\\

B33 < things youcan request: icons, sprite edits, ship sprite edit thingus, (as long as it aint against the dni) stimboards, moodboards, pannel edits, dni banners, non scribal emojis/any type of emojis kn general, banners, soutce calls, art requests, ect !1!1!!1 (keep in mind fan the only one running this blog)

(id prefer things requested from sources iknow !1!1 id prefer it be kept mostly related to the things iknow, that way its easier for me, ican understand a couple of non-related intrest/thing reqquests, but please try keep it related to things iknow !1!1) (iwill also do kin and pride n stuff related !! kin stuff dosent have to be related to my interestsh)

💿🧷🎸✮🔗⚡★🎶🕸️🦇🌈🎸⋆⭒˚｡⋆☆

:33 < i generally put alot of trigger warnings in tags, but please do not take it as a "joke" it is not a joke its serious !! (if theres anything you want me to tag, please do tell me. purrfurably through an ask)

B33 < iam also a multi shipper so if there are any ships that i post about that youdo not want to see/trigger you, please filter it out in the filter section ^_^

:33 < spam liking/reblogging/spam requesting ? PERFECTLY OK :33 /not forcinf

☠︎︎༒︎✞︎🕷๋࣭ ⭑☆⋆｡𖦹°‧★⋆♱✮♱⋆☆⋆｡𖦹°‧★☠︎︎༒︎✞︎🕷๋࣭ ⭑

TAG GUIDE:

(tag guide)

:33 < clicking on yhe links will take you to a random post wigh that specific tag used !!)

• "surprisingly not homestuck" - anything not homestuck related

• "repost response" responding to people who reposted my stuffaroosies

• "im waffaling" hear me blabble :oP ("mew is ranting :oP" is also used for rantsz !!)

• "(this post will have a lot of tags)" idont know why, but i f33l (feel) the n33d (need) to mention that my post will have a lot of tags, so yea (only occasionally used)

• "this post will not have a buncha tags !!" exactly what you think it is (only occasionally used)

• "nepeta sp33ks !!" any post of me sp33king, the "im waffaling" tag is me being silly and talking nonsense, but this is just any post revolved around speaking :oP (revolved around imean only speaking. so like any requests/art posts wont have it, but other posts will:3 "im waffaling" can be with the same tag as "nepeta sp33ks !!" but "im waffaling" wont always be there as its just me saying sillysilly thinsh :33)

• "mew is raging !!" for when im angry n stuff

:33 < and thats kinda it !! i tag all things needed with trigger warnings, and all things relevant to the post ^_^ this might update in the future but yea !1!!

🟥⬛🟧⬛🟨⬛🟩⬛🟦⬛🟪⬛🟦⬛🟩⬛🟨⬛🟧

TAKEN ANON SIGN OFFS:

• -🕸️📺 anon

SIDE BLOGS !! :3c

SIDBLOGS LISTED ARE ALL THE CURRENT ONES THAT ICAN @, AND THAT ARE FINISHED. (with the exception of the shaggy blog) MOST SIDEBLOGS ARE IN USE. OTHER SIDEBLOGS THAT ARENT FINISHED WONT BE ON THIS LIST

if youwant to be mewtuals, please follow this blog !! /not forcing following my sideblogs will make me think you just want to follow that blog for the things i post !!

:33 < alterhuman side blog:

@0uterw0rldly-4liens-x33

B33 < anti radqueer side blog:

@antiradqueer-karkat

:33 < daily violent j side blog (usually inactive):

@badlydrawnviolentj

B33 < daily shaggy 2 dope blog (hasnt been started yyet, currently inactive, will start it soon though (hopefully)):

@badlydrawnshaggy2dope

:33 < erequest bblog

@neprequests

B33 < coining blog:

@nepcoinz

:33 < art blog:

@nepetaleijonsdrawingtablet

B33 < plural blog:

@i-am-a-multiple-choice-question

🟥⬛🟧⬛🟨⬛🟩⬛🟦⬛🟪⬛🟦⬛🟩⬛🟨⬛🟧

SOCIALS/WHERE YOUCAN FIND ME :33c

:33 < pintrest x3

B33 < cohost !!

:33 < medibang !!

B33 < ibis paint !! :3c

B33 < okkkk thats it for now !1!!1!1!! byebyebyebye have a lovely lovely daydayday !! \(.^w^.)/

☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

:33 < (dividers from scenekidsaki, faysayk and raaawrrxd !! x3c)

[norithedoggo]

QUIRREL!!!!!!!!!!!!! ICANNOT BELIEV INEVER MADE A FULLY SHADED DRAWING OFHIM UNTIL NOW GGGRRRRR

[monards]

icannot believe im debating the kettle war.

[gumjester]

tagged by @zvmz !!!! get to know me better ;o

relationship status: single and honestly quite thrilled about the whole thing

favourite colour: PURPLE 💯💯💯

song stuck in head: for the longest time by billy joel..... ?? i believe i last heard it 3 years ago but here we are

favourite food: highly expensive and very specific brand of burrito in my city that i cannot afford but keep buying anyway

last song listened to: the principal by melanie martinez !!!! ANDROMEDA YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID

dream trip: i do not like holidays..... icannot get my head around them i don't know what it is!!!! my brain says that if i am in a place then surely it is because i have lived here my entire life and will never leave? and then i have to leave. so what was the point of that. i'd like to go back to berlin one day though

last thing googled: H&M SILVER MOON BOOTS THAT I WANT SO BAD

TAGGING: @andromedavwrites @rebelcharmings @thesilliestofgals @oklotea @rarepairqueenmochi [I HAVE NO IDEA IF YOU ALL HAVE ALREADY DONE THIS..... also you do not have to!! of course!!!]

[seisho99]

ICANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE. NORMAL LIKES HERMIE MORE NOW

YEAH EXACTLY

[fisherman-exclam]

Hey there- Enjoyin' the beach? C'mon, sit down, do you want me to teach you how to fish? I've got a few ol' fishin' rods here somewhere. Name's Fisher, by the way- He/him.

Eh? Beneath the ocean? Sea Realm's down there- You might meet my wife, @sea-realm-guide, down there, if ye' ever decide to go.

Meanwhiles, ask me anythin' you want about fishin'. I'm happy to help ya'.

icant believe it. babys second epprb blog.

quick heads up fishers name and stuff is supposed to be like a navy blue but icannot figure out custom text colors right now

run by the same guy as @story-choices and @epprb-art-the-2st!!! mod uses any and all pronouns go wild

tags:

ooc will be tagged as #ooc

asks will be tagged as #fisherman questions

in character will be tagged as #fishing speak

and interactions with @sea-realm-guide will be tagged as #merwife moment

i MIGHT add more tags someday but probably not because this is already. A Lot Of Tags

[noblehcart]

when you make yourself laugh at your goofy hcs after writing deep ones.

[dogboyheadtrauma]

icannot fucking believe i posted titties on alt and only got

[tricktack]

lilac and green sceen

BITING YUO ?!?!? 😨 icannot believe this.. but also thank u for the green screen one <3

[souldivide]

icannot believe im currently going through fits of panic convincing myself im diseased and dying in several days and that any discomfort i have (that i usually pass off to chronic pain) is actually because i, am dying. and then i sober up, feel normal— and then start violently shaking because im going to die at 21. and i haven’t even accomplished much in my life, and i won’t be able to make up for that all in just avfew days if i do die soon.

and then, i calm down, and feel like im okay. It wash rinse repeats. Ohhh god im unwell . can’t even tell if its delusion or genuine health scares. i am sounding nonsensical. oh well if my family is awful to me before i die

[themidnightcleric]

TW death, transphobia, blatant suicidality, ableism, terrible thoughts u should not indulge

vent post

.

.

.

.

.

..I actually don't think no one loves me. I just fundamentally believe they're wrong and will inevitably be disappointed when they discover I am a husk person not a real human being and that's my fate and believe or not most of this is related to ADHD bc I can't fix it or stick with anything and all the meds make me sick so I feel doomed to do fuck all until I rot and die. Every time I get hopeful my body betrays me. Fucking MCAS.

Icannot emphasize enough that I will take myself out of at least run off into the woods to try and live like an animal, if something does not change in the next 2 years to make it possible for me to exist in society. Like getting disability j guess would help. I am a dog. Not a person. I cannot give anymore.

it is not worth living this way. Every day is an endless punishment for all the things I cannot do and at this point the pit is so deep i will not get out.

And so like posting in this way and alienating myself are a way of pushing everyone out but simultaneously hoping somehow the cry for help will reach someone who can genuinely help me. I know this isn't me, this isn't the bigger spirit that animates me speaking this is the thing that wants to kill me, but can't even show itself to the people who say they love me. We have seen too much and the desire to destroy something significant is getting stronger. I guess this is an admission I understand su*cide bombers and crave going out burning a bank or a church or a detention center. simultaneously a desperate plea for someone to show me some kind of other way that isn't this plodding, hesitating half life. Two of my friends before I left my home state told me I should have been dead by now. I know what they meant and it's great I am alive but I don't see a future other than death. It's so close, so intimate. I go to sleep with death every night waiting for her. The funny thing is not many people I know closely have died. If they had it actually might be easier like I could live for them. But instead it feels like I'm the one who is supposed to die. I live with that every day and I know I'm not the only one but with everything that's happening I no longer can believe things will get better. I'm just trying to do as much good as I can before it comes for me. I don't see anyone who really needs me here. Or wants me bad enough to merit staying. Like it's all pipe dreams, could have beens, obligations. Fake. In the clouds.

I haven't been real since I was a kid.

I'm sorry y'all. I'm really sorry. I don't know if it will even matter when it happens. Like a candle burning out. Who is gonna notice beyond another little wave of sad posts. Currently I'll probably be buried by my family as a woman. They'll say it was inevitable. I was always so mentally unwell. Kill me and blame me for it.

I have so many ideas and so much passion but no discipline for it and frankly I feel like a piece of paper god put a sketch on and crumpled up and threw away. Like that episode of Gravity Falls where Dipper clones himself and there's a Glitch Dipper who everyone sort of feels bad for until he dies. Two headed calf. All I have ever tried to be is kind while people saw more in me than I could give or sustain. At least I got to see the stars.

My soul is good but it can't live here on this plane right now. It doesn't want to. All the people I love are fighters who metabolize everything into medicine and power for the future or at least stick around hedonistically. I am not built like that. I find no pleasure in pleasure. I am weak and too fragile to exist by myself and at every turn am reminded of this. I try to play it off as kink or funny but really, I don't think anyone can survive the level of self erasure that my system has developed.

My friend keeps telling me to play Disco Elysium but it's 40 dollars and I have to save all my $ for gas and credit card payment. To be responsible. Why do I even fucking care. I'm scared if I stop caring anymore I will just let go and become fully catatonic.

Hopefully this is rock bottom and somehow I will bounce up into a new perspective tomorrow. I pushed myself into burnout because all this messaging online about Palestine and genocide is like you aren't doing enough and that really really works against my ability to do anything like the PDA I cannot help and have been fighting my whole life to just like, brush my teeth. I can't watch these people beg for help and so many turn away in hatred and then not even make phone calls. I am trying to look for the helpers but I think the fascists want to kill all of us.

It's gonna take a miracle to get through this winter. I wish I could show somebody how desperate I feel. The pills are right there. I never get rid of them. I could do it tonight. But I won't.

I don't know how long you have to scream for help. I don't think it helps anyone. People fall down the spiral. Maybe there is something to live for for others but for me, it's all conjecture. I have full responsibility to bring about everything that I could live for. If I give up, it doesn't happen. If I give up, the good things in this world go on without me. No one ever knew me really. I feel so fundamentally separated & invisible.

I'm mad I feel this way and am wasting my life talent and time. I am tired of being depressed and low key a shitty friend. I am ready for God to take me and use me for some new form of life that has a fighting chance to be something.

If only that weren't just a delusion. I wanted my life to mean something and leave a mark but at the end of the day this voice tells me it's not even worth that, that no one will remember me.

Pathetic. Jesus. How do you fight this.

I'm tired.

I'll keep fighting another day at a time. But there's no way to be okay right now. I have to live with this person the world has made me into and let go of who we could have been with more love.

[t4tklonoa]

I just watched kizuna don 't talk to me (actually do talk to me) the ending wasso sad I'm going to throw up I still can't believe itis true and that it happened like this cannot b happening tome. I was SO fucking sure that smth was gonna happen atthe end so agumon and gabumon were gonna be fine but it didn't happen they are LITERALLY gone theyare gone ??? They are gone. and itis implied everyone else's digimon are too. Gomamon, Tentomon, palmon, biyomon. they are allgone.

Ilovedthe movie yeah it wascool Iliked it but Imiss agumon already Icannot believe they acctually went and . and made them all disappear. I'm so scared, is that gonna happen to the 02 kids too? Like eventually? Ihope not I would be devastated. I hope they do the silly thing of never mentioning whathappens in previous movies andstuff I will not b able to go on if they make the02 digimon disappear . sorry abt making this abt 02 Ikindof just watched kizuna for them okay. I loved agumon and gabumon. Tentomon, gomamon, palmon and biyomon too. Iknow we will probably see them again in some shape or form but. still. now Iwill seethe, m and think. they can't comeback and gabumon never got to try their last shaved melon ice itmakes me wantto cry my eyes out even more because Gabumon did get to hear Yamato play the harmonica but Agumon didn't get to eat with Taichi in the last moments they got with him . Do you think Taichi was scared that agumon was gonna disappear when he went to buy it. do you think that after that he wnet to eat shaved ice alone and it felt so wrong to not hear agumon gobble it up beside him. do you think sometimes he makes more food than he should because he is so used to making more for agumon. do you think Yamato plays the harmonica and feels so wrong when gabumon isn't there to compliment him at the end. or that maybe when he does something that gabumon would probably call him outfor he does it himself. and it feels wrong that itis coming out of his mouth and not his friend's? do you think they miss them alotsometimes. doyou think they cannot bear some situations that remind them ofthem even in the far future. do you think they'll. ever meet again