#i've surpassed overthinking things at this point

[nabi-unveiled]

I'm now watching this show for the ??? time. I've lost count. This is NOT normal for me, but I'm finding comfort in the rain. Thanks to @respectthepetty, I've put my hearing aid in and turned my headphones up, listening for every little drop of water or sound I can discern (like the sizzling/cooking sounds during certain conversations). Which has only made my fixation worse...😭.

The series uses rain as a symbol of affection, of passion, and of desire, which means water has a story to tell.

Hagiwara hears the rain from his apartment.

The rain doesn't physically touch him, but he's aware it's there.

Kaori used to hear it too. Their passion was once shared.

However, the rain no longer keeps Kaori up. She now sleeps leaving Hagiwara to endure the rain by himself. Note: Kaori is the one sleeping here, and it's by HER choice.

On the other hand, Sei doesn't hear the rain at all.

To be more precise, Fujisawa has moved them somewhere where Sei CAN'T hear the rain.

And Fujisawa's TELLING Sei to go to sleep.

Fujisawa was out in the rain.

Fujisawa stays awake. He's not asleep and he's out in the rain. But he didn't even realize it was raining until he came inside. It's yet another warning that Fujisawa's not going to realize his actions until after the fact. This is echoed in his own comments.

Hagiwara takes care of his needs while immersed in the shower ALONE. Water is all around him. Sei covertly takes care of his needs in bed ALONE, washing his hands vigorously afterwards. This handwashing definitely plays into the whole "sex is dirty" symbolism.

However, it's also a symbol of how Sei limits himself. Sei isn't allowing himself to be immersed in the water at this point. He actually seems to be spiraling emotionally here before he gets the email from Hagiwara. There's a water sound here too once Sei reads the e-mail. Draining maybe? Like a release of water that had been held back? Feel free to correct me if I misidentified the sound.

Sei decides to stand in the rain after a party that he typically wouldn't attend. He WANTS to experience the rain. More importantly, Sei and Hagiwara experienced this rain TOGETHER. Separated, but side-by-side. Each taking measures to prevent the rain from touching them, but surrounded by the rain nonetheless.

They return the umbrellas TOGETHER giving up the protection they offered. The relationship builds. The rain keeps coming.

They shelter from the rain TOGETHER, because the time wasn't right. They still hadn't reached the point where they were willing to immerse themselves in the rain.

The rain stops as they discover the identity of their "penpal", but Hagiwara invites Sei to listen to the rain. He's not letting the rain stop.

I might argue that the museum was not the starting point for Hagiwara, but Sei IS right. The museum WAS where it started for Sei. It's where he was invited to listen to the rain. It's where the rain was given a way to enter the house that blocks the sound of rain.

Sei knows a storm is coming.

And the storm does come.

Sei and Hagiwara willingly go out into the rain. They get soaked in the rain TOGETHER. Totally immersed in one another and the rain.

But heavy rain can be scary, and not everyone is comfortable with it.

So now, Sei has locked himself up in a dry place ALONE and Hagiwara's back in the shower ALONE. One trying desperately to put himself back to sleep and ignore his feelings, while the other drowns in his.

However, this impasse can't last.

Because when any strong storm passes, destruction is left behind.

Because when it rains, it pours.

Because both Fujisawa and Kaori have found out.

[mooncello]

Hey friends. Holy wow my big sad brain took me out this past week. I couldn't touch anything creative until the last couple days. (The warm sunshine is helping.) I'm on my fourth rewrite of chapter two for lost boys. (Fourth!) I think this is the version y'all are gonna see because I cannot keep doing this to myself. At some point, things just need to be good enough, yeah?

Eternal gratitude for @thewholelemon who has read every version, every axed sentence and dead end, and continues to offer sage wisdom, feedback and encouragement. Jenny, you're also reminding me to have fun, and, well, I honestly think I would have given up on this thing by now without you. Alllll the love, my friend. 🩵

For today, I'm sharing part of a scene that ended up on the cutting room floor. Enjoy this dead darling as it's headed to the compost pile. In the spirit and practice of having fun and not overthinking things, it is unedited.

It's also long so I've placed it under the cut.

A delighted laugh spills out of my mouth, and I hold out my arms in a raw embrace of the elements, tilting my face into the warm rain and feeling the water collect in the dips of my eye sockets. Eventually I blink open my eyes to find Simon racing between thick, tall flower stems with Pockets. Simon stops for a breath and looks over his shoulder at me, his smile bright and open and wide. It only takes a couple minutes before we are completely soaked through. “Tink didn’t tell me it would rain,” Simon says once he’s finished running around and joins me by an enormous tower of purple orchids. “I don’t mind it,” I reply. I don’t, really. Not when it feels like the most luxurious hot shower, surrounded by giant flowers. Not when Simon is standing in front of me, his soaked t-shirt clinging to his form like a second skin. (That’s happening more – me noticing things like that. Specifically about Simon.) (He’s a dream. It’s fine. I wish he were real, but it’s fine.) “Let’s go dry off,” Simon laughs. We part ways with the others and return to the flat rocks overlooking the sea. The rain ends at the meadow’s edge, so it’s nothing but big blue sky and gentle sunshine as we stretch out on the rocks. A slow, balmy wind sweeps over us from the ocean. It smells of salt and lime and driftwood. The sun-warmed sandstone bleeds its warmth into my back, and I release a contented sigh. “Fuck…” I draw the word out so long it turns into a groan. “The sun feels good.” Simon gives a lazy laugh and rolls onto his stomach, resting his head across his arms. Our bodies make a near-perfect 90 degree angle. “I feel like a cat,” I mumble. “I don’t want to move. Ever.” There’s no response. Simon is silent, which is unusual for him. I squint open an eye against the bright sunlight and glance over at him, only to find him staring at me. His curls fall over his forehead and his eyelashes are still clumped together, thick with meadow rain.  My stomach swoops. I feel exposed under his gaze. “What?” The faintest pink sweeps down his neck, and his eyes flick away. “Nothing.” He sniffs. “I mean, do you ever – I dunno…Would you…” He trails off, and I’m too sun-drunk to fully pursue. “They’re called words, Simon,” I drawl. Simon scrunches his nose and tucks his chin over his arms, tilting his head at me. “What d’you wanna do after drying off?” That isn’t what he had wanted to say, but I’m loose-limbed from the sun and distracted by the way his forearms are folded over one another. I tear my eyes away from his arms and say with a deep sigh, “Told you. I’m never moving from this rock. I’m a cat. A lizard. I’ve entered my reptilian era.” Simon laughs again, and the sound finds every crack inside my body and fills it with a warmth that surpasses the sun.

thank you for the tag @thewholelemon

no-pressure tags and hellos:

@best--dress, @shrekgogurt, @bookish-bogwitch, @cutestkilla, @artsyunderstudy, @nightimedreamersworld, @facewithoutheart, @whatevertheweather, @you-remind-me-of-the-babe, @ileadacharmedlife, @stitchyqueer, @valeffelees, @orange-peony, @larkral & @iamamythologicalcreature (ty for the art chat 🎨🧡)

[miss-dollette]

I saw your tarot post yesterday and since I can't fall asleep I figured I'd give it a go now. Plus all people are posting in the simon tag is hardcore kinks.

SO for a breath of fresh air, what do the cards think my relationship would be like with a 141 guy of your choosing, platonic or partner idc? (Genuinely from the cannon i know about Simon's character I think he'd think I was a big baby but I could see myself attaching to him like an annoying little sibling. Hands down I think it'd be completely platonic for all of them. EXCEPT maybe Gaz. maybe. I'd probably crush on Kyle hard.).

also I have this story-ish idea that's basically a completely normal person being isekai'd into the 141 rec room right as the boys show up and since they're professionals they'd 100% detain them and then let the military police take over which ends that story immediately. I've had that idea in my head for weeks and it just gives me a chuckle so I'm sharing it.

Sure! So happy I finally got my first commission, so thanks so much!

Omg, It wasn’t until I was completely finished with my reading, did I realize you mentioned Gaz 😭. I would have done a reading between you and him 🥲. Fuck, well that’s my fault. Let me know if you want a reading between you and him.

Just to let you know, this is a reading and some personal things that you would prefer to keep to yourself may be revealed. I'll delete this without hesitation if you tell me to, but i would need a bit of proof so I know it's not some shithead fucking around. Don't worry, everything will be kept between us :)

Let's see what your relationship with the Captain himself - Price - would be like. Platonic and romantic.

Platonic:

Question - What would a platonic relationship/friendship between him and Anonymous be like?

Cards pulled: Knight of Swords (Reversed), Ace of Cups & Queen of Cups. And Ace of Swords for you, Anon - just to get to know ya' a bit more, bbygurl.

Card 1: The Foundation - Knight of Swords (Reversed).

Interpretation -

Keywords: Impulsiveness, Miscommunication, Unfulfilled Potential, Restlessness.

So, while there is a lot of energy (intense), the direction isn't really clear. John Price's personality may clash with yours a bit. You're smart, but you have a tendency to overthink and have a lot of inner conflict. You struggle with clear decision making, dear.

You may second guess yourself a lot, and this would lead to a lot of frustration between you guys. Paired with such a straightforward and action-oriented person such as Price, this would lead to misinterpretations.

Captain Price is a bullet heading straight for the target, while you’re a bouncing ball that misses his path every time he speeds by, making the both of y’all miss out on opportunities that would strengthen your bond. 

You guys would need to meet face-to-face and just lay out plans for things to get better.

Card 2: The Growth - Ace of Cups.

Interpretation -

Keywords: Emotional Connection, Compassion, New Beginnings, Deepening Bonds.

Wow, there's so much love to grow! Once you guys get past all the confusion, there's so much potential for mutual respect and a truly rewarding connection.

The Ace of cups can mean new beginning's in a friendship, so I could see the tides shifting, and the both of you surpassing the initial confusion and disconnection.

You guys would bond and become a source of comfort for each other, at this point.

Card 3: The Outcome - Queen of Cups.

Interpretation -

Keywords: Nurturing, Intuition, Emotional Depth, Compassionate Support.

You guys would bring out the best in each other. Yin and Yang - where you a chaotic little ball of energy, he's a steady stream. You guys would compliment each other like PB&J.

He would lean on you to understand his emotions and frustrations, and he would offer you a place to lay your head on, where you could see much clearer.

Overall: The beginning would be a bit rocky, but you guys would eventually come to a point where the both of you could find comfort in one another. Both of you would find a nurturing and reliable friend.

“Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you.”

Coldplay - Fix You.

Romantic:

Question - What would a romantic relationship between Anon and Price be like?

Cards pulled: King of Swords, Death Reversed, and Ten of Swords.

Card 1 - The Nature of the Relationship - King of Swords.

interpretation -

Keywords: Logic, Authority, Clear Communication, Rationality

Like the natural born leader he is, Price would take on the mantle of leader in this relationship. He would take charge all logic, fairness and rational decision-making.

This relationship would be kind of cold. While you both value each other, emotions would need to take a backseat in exchange for logic and practicality.

Both of you would value honesty and direction.

You are such a sweetheart, Anon, and a ball of emotions. Price would have trouble understanding you. This would lead to disappointment on both your ends. Partly because you’re prone to mood swings - leading to miscommunication.

Card 2 - The Challenges - Death Reversed.

Interpretation -

Keywords: Resistance to Change, Stagnation, Fear of Transformation

Stagnation. Both of you are resistant to change and transformation.

There would be difficulty evolving past the initial stage of the relationship. Both of you would be afraid of change, and that would lead to a lot of tension. Anon, I don’t see this going well 🥲

Card 3 - The Outcome - Ten of Swords.

Interpretation -

Keywords: Betrayal, Endings, Painful Conclusions, Release

This is so sad. The challenges would be too much to bear, and the both of you would need to let each other go. You guys would just clash too much, anon.

Even though it’s painful, the both of you would move on and heal. It would be for the best, honestly.

“I’ve done everything I know to try and make you mine, and I think I’m gonna love you for a long, long time”

Linda Ronstadt - Long, Long Time.

(Ignore papi Alejandro pls)

How would the boys react to a person from our universe being “Isekai’d” to their universe?

Simon “Ghost” Riley: Six of Wands Reversed - Man’s would not trust you. Like, at all. This is gonna sound so mean, but he would be disappointed (pls don’t kill me im just the messenger) until you proved your value to the team. He’d be wary of you.

Gaz: Knight of Pentacles Reversed - Disturbed that the established order would be messed up. Would slowly warm up to you, and would be reserved. Most focused on his team’s safety.

Price: The Sun Reversed - Mixed feelings. Would have expectations out of you. Guarded optimism. He would be concerned about the challenges you would bring. Would investigate why you suddenly appeared.

Soap: He’s so fucking smart. Idk why people write him as dumb. This man is logical as fuck, and would approach the situation with a clear vision and assess all the data he could gather. Would ask questions. It would almost be like an intimidation. Man’s is kinda scary.

Anon: Two of Pentacles Reversed - You would be scared as fuck lol. Like, freaking out (I think anyone would). You wouldn’t know how to adapt.

[lunaprincipessa]

ENTRY 206

Part Two (Continued from 205)

Man, I really didn't want to rewatch this vid. I put it off for as long as I felt I could. I was really hoping it was just my overthinking, which I am highly prone to do. Can I rightfully say "prone" if it's a way of life at this point? Anyway!

I, very hesitantly, rewatched it twice to make sure I would catch what I thought I caught before. And there it was.

There wasn't any information posted with this vid, as it was just randomly uploaded by a fellow fan in a Type O group. In this vid, the interviewer starts the conversation out with food obsessions the band members may have. To which, Peter responds that he doesn't like his food touching. There was, what I view to be, an obnoxious response from the band that involved a lot of laughing and sarcastic remarks.

I saw a comment on the vid that told me maybe not everything was my overthinking if someone else notices certain things too.

"Sometimes I've caught the others faces (except Johnny) that they roll their eyes behind his back. Josh throws his head back when Peter takes over."

Let me say this before continuing. As someone who is socially awkward, I've often had an outsider-view of certain dynamics between people. I've often had to take a closer look at said dynamics to assure that I not only comprehend, but that I also engage appropriately. And yes, in many circles of people, including one of my own, people do get sarcastic with one another.

However, here is what I look for and here is what I saw in that older vid:

*They're laughing, Peter isn't.

*They're engaging in banter, mocking his food quirks, Peter is seen looking off to the side and attempting to explain himself.

*Peter is not responding with playful, sarcastic banter, instead I hear him say, "you fuckin grained everything I do on the bus, you had your score sheets." He's clearly not having the same amount of fun or getting the same amount of entertainment from the conversation as everyone else.

*You even see Peter's body language shift, seemingly he was uncomfortable.

And that is what I look for. Is EVERYONE laughing? Is EVERYONE smiling? Is EVERYONE enjoying themselves? Is EVERYONE engaging in banter?

He wasn't.

Peter wasn't, and my heart sank because I know exactly what that's like to be in that type of situation. You're misunderstood and many people find it easier to make you a target instead of being compassionate for whatever the reason is. In Peter's case, one can only assume it's because he surpassed them in talent and good looks. Jealousy is ugly, turns people ugly.

And when they feel they can't compete with you, and when they feel they find something about you that is inferior, they feed on it.

I hear, "I've been watching that since I was 13," as if the way Peter fed himself caused problems for anyone. And if this is such an enormous issue, the way Peter fed himself, why be friends since age 13 then?

I had "friends" that did that to me growing up. Instead of trying to understand, it was just this huge thing that made me feel inadequate as a human being and further away from the people I just wanted to be close to. Cuts you like a knife. Especially since I came from a toxic family and had no one else to turn to. I hope Peter's family dynamics were better than mine if this is what he was dealing with from the people who were supposed to be his friends.

As stated in the previous entry, I did wonder about the dynamics between everyone involved because it's good to revisit this fact: it's all speculation because I wasn't there and I don't know anyone personally. However, I feel like what I saw in the vid was but a small window that allowed me to peak at what some of those dynamics were like for Peter, and once again, my heart broke for him.

Why would anyone want to be in a band with someone they don't respect? Right, because this person can be used to accomplish fame and fortune.

After Peter died, there was no more Type O Negative touring and making albums because he couldn't be replaced. I wish he knew that when he was alive. I wish he knew how important he was, but how could he have had any confidence when he was surrounded by people that tore him down?

I want to scream how dare they, but right now, I just need to hear more about the people in Peter's life that saw him for what he was: a human being and a creative force to be reckoned with.

It comes down to that and this in my eyes, it was a form or sub-form of OCD that he didn't want his food touching, known as brumotactillophobia.

OCD is a long-lasting disorder within itself, not even mentioning the other mental health obstacles Peter was dealing with.

Even if there was little to no information on brumotactillophobia at that time, they all still verbally acknowledged it was Peter's OCD. And even if there was little to no information on OCD at that time, you still have a duty as a person in society to make your friend and colleague feel welcomed and accepted as they are without making them feel scrutinized and belittled.

Is this really how it was for Peter all the time? Let's pause right there.

It may be a small window, but it doesn't show everything and once again, I knew none of these people personally. Now, it is possible to continue looking into it, to see if that's the way it was given the article featuring Sal's perspective and this older vid that I came across directly afterward, but this whole thing...

This is gonna be fun to try to explain...

This whole thing has placed me in a unique position, seeing these things before me as a fan. Who was around him that he could actually trust? On the other hand, I'm already in a unique position learning more, for the first time about Peter Steele in general, who I've known about for many years. And there's a lot to take on for a first-timer. If that makes sense. Hard to explain. I gave it my best shot. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm evenly split down the middle, and both halves are at extreme ends.

Half of me wants to just dive in, to watch, and read, and research everything I can to find out if certain claims and perspectives are true and just who all was around this man openly contributing to his downfall.

The other half of me is so damn bothered, so affected by everything he went through that there aren't any desires or wishes to go any further. "I don't wanna know," that type of thing. Same with the music.

Half of me wants to just immerse myself in Peter's music because now I have a better understanding and I feel like for the first time since becoming a fan years ago, that I can finally hear him. And every word, every lyric will speak to me like never before because now I've seen his heart and soul through the multiple accounts of how good he really was underneath it all.

The other half wants to take a break from listening to his music, for that same reason. They were never just songs by some rocker who knew how to sell an album. They give you direct insight into his world, and you gotta have some strength to look into it.

But no, they aren't just songs, are they? They never were, were they? Not when they take you some place that's outer-worldly the way they do. And that could be said even before I had a better understanding of who he was. His music takes you someplace else. It always did. I read he was a practicing Catholic, but his music has magic.

I think I finally know what I'm going to do with all the Dia de los Muertos merch that I collected over the years.

I've also suffered great loss but really appreciated the Dia de los Muertos festivals I attended. The way they use creativity, art, music, and fashion to celebrate their dead is simply beautiful. I began collecting an assortment of sugar skulls and other items to have an altar or ofrenda that I could keep up throughout the entire year.

The altar or ofrenda will be for Peter Steele, as deep down I truly wish to celebrate him instead of mourning him.

A part of me will always hurt for him because I feel in many ways I can relate to the things he went through. But looking at all his creations and all the wonderful things he left behind for us, I just want to celebrate him and the gift from the Gods that was his presence, even if it couldn't last.

Tears will fall though. I'm being introduced to someone I already have to say goodbye to, feeling as though I owe him an apology and a promise upon meeting. But may the majority of those tears be joyous because although we only got to know him for a little while, his art is eternal.

His writing, his voice, his music, his mind, his heart, his hair, his body, his face, his smile, a smile so rare to see in his photography too. All art, all gifts, all eternal, every last one of them.

He sacrificed a job and a life he loved to bring those eternal gifts to us, ultimately sacrificing himself in the process. And I will never forget. And I will be grateful. Always.

In conclusion, how bittersweet his absence is. Gone too soon while wanting to make more music, but my heart soars at the thought of him being reunited with all the loved ones he lost, forever free of earthly hardship and pain.

Rest in peace Peter. Our sweet, sweet dark angel. You know, many of your fans say you're a dream walker. Feel free to give us a visit in our dreams while you watch over us. While you watch your fans continue to uplift you through the years. While you watch multiple generations discover and adore you just as we did. Thank you so much for everything Peter. Thank you. RIP 💔

More thoughts later.

[leofrith]

[20 Question Fic Writer Tag]

Tagged by @aeide and @ainulindaelynn 💖 I did this one a few months ago but a few answers have changed since then so I'll update those. 😊

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

Six now! Four one-shots, a short-ish multi-chapter which was supposed to be a one-shot that got away from me, and my longfic which at this point I should have just waited to post but am definitely still chipping away at.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

33,030 which is almost double my count from a few months ago. Woaaaaaaaaahhhh

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Still Assassin's Creed, now dipping into Baldur's Gate 3 as well.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Still the same five fics in the same order but with slightly different numbers:

Hideaway - 149

Bright Skies - 139

Press On, Move Along - 94

Out of the Cold - 43

Honor Bound - 29

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yes! Always.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Still Press On, Move Along.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Still Hideaway.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Still hate-free, for now.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Sure do 💀 and I've posted some of it since the last time I did this. I think the only way I can really describe it is emotionally-charged, because if I'm going to horny jail it will at the very least be in service of some kind of character development. 😭

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Still occasionally poke away at the AC x Star Wars AU, but I'm not super invested in it right now. But I'm sure that will change as soon as a new Star Wars thing comes out. Since I last did this I also went digging through the depths of my writing folder and found a Walking Dead x MCU crossover that I must have started when I was like 14 years old. Absolute fucking horror show that I am so very thankful I never wrote enough to post. 🤡

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Still no, as far as I'm aware.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, except for yelling back and forth about ideas with friends. I would probably be open to it but also maybe not because I know I am extremely unreliable.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

Saying "all-time" favourite feels a bit much, but as far as mental real estate and also just sheer number of words written, Leovor far surpasses any other ship I've been into. 🧍🏻‍♀️

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Since I did that ask game a few weeks ago, the Inquisitor Ahsoka/Rex starting a clone rebellion/post TCW AU has been on my mind. But I know that, realistically speaking, I'm unlikely to ever be invested enough to actually sit down and write it.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I'm trying to make a point to read more fiction and while it's possible that the few books I've read thus far lately just haven't been particularly good, it's certainly made me way more confident in my ability to write dialogue that feels like it would be spoken by real live humans and not aliens pretending to be humans. Similar deal with internal monologues. I'm convinced that none of these authors read their work aloud.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Still generally the same—overthinking comma usage, editing while I write and therefore being very slow, going back and forth between being stuck because I didn't plan enough and feeling stifled because I planned too much. Etc etc.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I try to avoid it as much as possible, with the exception being words or phrases that are used a lot in canon.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Still Marvel :(

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Honor Bound is still my baby, but I didn't expect to actually like A Different Kind of Solace as much as I do, mostly because I didn't really go into writing it expecting to hit the emotional notes that it does. Also still Out of the Cold. There are some banger lines there.

Not tagging anyone because this one has gone around a few times recently but if you want to do it, you're welcome to pretend I tagged you. 😌

[emmaliee]

Overthinking Fears

I'm really not sure if I'm capable of pulling this off. Well, maybe I am. I mean, I think I am. But what if everything falls apart? What if I struggle to get my point across? On the other hand, what if it turns out amazingly? What if the outcome surpasses all my wildest dreams? No, that's too optimistic. Past experiences have shown that things usually don't work out in my favor. But, what if this time is an exception? What if my message resonates on a level I've never reached before? Ugh, time's ticking away. I guess I have to face it head-on. Deep breath. Let's just roll with whatever happens, I guess.

[that-one-daydream-you-forgot]

overthinking,money TW: rant:

am i the only one who's scared to ask their parents for money even though they said it's ok to ask them for money. but at one point i just adopted the thing they do when they say they don't have money for stuff...and to the point that i'm here going to have a break down. but then again the friend that i'm compering myself to is kinda rich so it's ok if her allowance is more 1.5k/2k a week and she can just ask her parents for money if she's buying something that's either school related or art related....but then again i'm over here bc i'm just very scared to ask for money bc like- i can starve myself so i can get more money- it's not a big deal to me i've done it many times but then again i don't want to seem like a money grabber if i were to ask them for money bc i wanted to buy things to start up a new hobby like jewelry making like those girls on tiktok but then again if i use any of my money i now have to save up to get to the goal of getting 10k (i forgot to say this is in php) to spend on a wedding that's going to happen in Sydney(it's in two years) but now i worry that i might not buy the stuff that i want to bc i will only have 200 aud(exactly 272.85 Australian Dollar) and that i will have left over money bc i'm scared to use my money. i know it's pointless to try and cry over money bc i normally get 100php as my allowance but then again i commute to go back home and if i calculate how much money i will get each month; 1 week = 500 (but -100 bc we won't start until aug 29 and there's no telling how many more days will there be no school this year except for the many goddamn holidays) 500 x 4 will be 2,000 but my commute is normally 30 php so 30 x 5 = will be 150 each week. and 150 x 4 = 600, and 2,000 - 600 = 1,400 but we don't know about the school expenses, dates in where there's no school and i...sometimes even indulge in eating snacks and then i will lose money......i can ask my parents for money for the school stuff but it just feels weird and they're already working hard and they still have to pay off the house and i'm just so goddamn scared...and now there's the topics in where my friends will ask me if we can hang out...i know my mom gives me money but then again i will have to give her the change of the money so i just literally just try not spend anything when hanging out with my friends. i don't really know what to do, i want to but stuff i like but i still need to save for the wedding for two years and i'm not even sure if i'll like the things they're selling there....like- i will probably buy a few stuff but then get scared bc then i will only have a like money that won't really let me buy stuff...idk i just haven't calculated the amount of money that will be needed- i actually asked my mom if i can just get my hair cuts during the free haircut program my school has to let them save money since i don't want them to spend too much money since they already brought me my mac book..and they still have to pay the house, i mean- we aren't broke, my father has a well-paying job and my mom- has her dental clinic and her teaching work...my father is still working on his lawyering business ...like- by no means, we aren't broke..we just....let's just say during the earlier years of my childhood, my mom was still trying to save up money since i used to do to a private school and now i'm here in a public school, trying to not get kicked out since everyone in the school is on scholarship and during the first year they can remove you from the school if you get an average of below 85% (and this is a science-based school by the way) idk i just think they're doing so much yet i can't do anything that well...i don't like singing even though my mom tells me that i sing pretty good...my drawing isn't as like impressive unlike my friends and even my paintings, they surpass me in it.....like- i don't really have anything talented in me that will take me apart from the crowed except for the fact that my irl last name is normally the last one in the list and- i think that's the only thing that's different about me.

every one i know is better than me in one way or another, some of my friends sometimes point out the reasons why they don't like a specific person but i then noticed that i kind of fit that description and i normally ask- "well- i also do that..." and they just like- say things like "well- your {real name} so it's ok" and i have a feeling that they're just telling that bc they don't want me to be sad or upset but i also know that there's a possibility that some of my friends, classmates, peers. don't like me or even talk behind my back, it was even worse since i had one of my closet friends being revealed that he talks shit about me behind my back....i think i'll end this log in this context....i mean...i'm already crying...i can't just go for comfort to my parents bc they'll try to give me advice but i don't think i want advice...sometimes i just want to feel heard out, so i don't feel like a loser in the far corner without anything to show off or be proud of...i just feel like sometimes i'm not really needed here and i'm just a waste of life since i can't even express myself like my peers do...like they can think that i'm angry but i'm not....anger for me is strong...i remembering lashing out at my classmate since they broke something that's mine....i was in a bad mood that day and i just couldn't take it...i apologized and he did too...our relations ship is currently ok...i don't know of this night of aug 23-24 is just one of those nights where i can't really...those nights in which i feel so useless bc i didn't do anything today and my parents got worried since i all i ate was a single piece of pie and then my mom prepared me a meal so i will eat......so yeah...i just feel so useless and like- a raisin cookie....anyway, thank you to who ever reads this

[laeteria]

Searching the lost: alike and yet different

Similarities between Kujo, Yuki and Nagi

It may be weird, but I have always thought about the fact how similar Kujo, Yuki and Nagi are. It may be weird to hear it randomly, but I actually put some thought in it. It may not make sense though, or maybe I'm overthinking things, but hear me out.

I've said it before, but I wrote this way back (and with that I mean June 2021), so it might be a bit wacky or maybe it doesn't make any sense. It was left incompleted, so everything after Yuki is what I've written recently. I've no clue what direction I wanted to take this, so it may have a different approach at the end.

Basically… I was too lazy to rewrite everything, so I continued on but there's no way I remember what I wanted to write back then, so it's a big mess. Also the reason why I changed the title.

BEWARE OF SPOILERS!!

Kujo Takamasa

You may be thinking, "how can you compare people like Yuki and Nagi with this man?". Oh well…

Kujo worked for Zero, the legendary idol, together with Sakura Haruki. The further you get in the story, the more you will notice how much of an impact Zero had in Kujo's life. After all, Kujo had worked for Zero for such a long time, but what happened after the disappearance of Zero?

If you know the story, you know that Kujo basically becomes obsessed over Zero. So obsessed to the point that he wants to create another legendary idol and it doesn't matter if he has to tear families apart to reach his goal. He lived his life for Zero and with his disappearance, he didn't know what to do anymore. He had lost his path.

Like I said before, he was so obsessed with Zero that he wanted to create another legendary idol and at some point he thinks he can produce an idol that surpasses Zero. Not only that, he even dares to call Haruki a traitor, because Haruki didn't do anything to keep the legendary Zero "alive".

In story/season 2, he even goes so far as disguising himself as Zero and making the life of the other groups difficult. They are not worthy of the legendary Zero, that's what Kujo wanted to say. In his eyes, no one could surpass Zero.

Sadly, Kujo's bad side overshadows his vulnerable side greatly. Everyone sees him as a man who tears families apart for his own goals, but in reality he's quite the tragic character.

Like Tenn said, Kujo lost his job, group and dream all at once. It was a big loss for Kujo and he never really got over it. The only way to cope with his loss, was to search for Zero. When he realized he couldn't find Zero, he decided to create a legendary idol himself to project Zero on his self-produced idol. Everything to keep the legendary idol "alive", but most importantly himself. Even if it meant to hate the person he dedicated his life to.

It's definitely not an uncommon thing to start hating the things you used to love. There are different causes to start hating the things you used to love, but most of the time it's because your outlook on life has changed. Another cause can be the fact that the thing you used to love doing, doesn't satisfy you anymore or it's lacking in a way. In this case, Zero himself is literally missing. There's nothing (more like no one) to feed Kujo anymore.

❝ I had a nostalgic dream. I dreamed Zero was singing at Zero arena. Back when supporting him made me happy. ❞

Kujo isn't a bad person, he just took a wrong turn in life. When he talked about stage direction with Tsumugi and Nagi… he was literally beaming and reliving his time as Zero's manager on the spot.

Yes, Kujo does a lot of unforgivable things, but we shouldn't forget how he decided to visit Haruki in story 4. It was a very touching reunion and he didn't want to go at first. He knew that Haruki didn't have long, but I think he distanced himself from Haruki on purpose, because he knew that he would suffer again. It was a dream that was shared between the three of them, but as time passed, it was time to draw the curtains.

Behind his shady and dark character, there is actually a very lonely person, who's basically trying to keep walking his path in this cruel world.

Orikasa Yukito

Yuki is a member of the group Re:vale and he has been an artist for many years. Before he formed Re:vale with Momo, he was in a duo with the same name back in the days. They were nothing more than indie artists.

Yuki may look like a gentleman, but he's absolutely not. Maybe in the beginning when you just get to know Re:vale, but it is actually Momo who keeps Re:vale functioning. Yuki is not really sociable actually. It may not look like that, but it is a fact.

Let me get to the point, have you ever thought about the fact that Yuki could have ended up as a Kujo 2.0? For the people who are confused: both Kujo and Yuki lost someone who had a big impact in their life. It was Zero for Kujo and it was Banri for Yuki.

When Banri left Yuki without saying anything, Yuki was devastated and he blamed himself for not being there for Banri. He set out to look for Banri and gradually he became "empty", just like Kujo. The more he looked, the more he felt like he couldn't find his partner. Yuki was ready to take his own life, but fortunately for us, his laziness won. After several failed search attempts, he decided to shut himself in his own apartment.

I'm pretty sure that Yuki would have become obsessed over Banri just like Kujo did. Actually, he already did when he just kept looking for Banri. Yuki also got to the point that he started to "hate" Banri, because he couldn't find him, and thus decided to kill him, but he didn't know where Banri was, so the plan was no more. It all sounds funny, but it's actually really sad.

The only thing he wanted was to see his partner again. Yes, it caused a lot of stress for Momo when Yuki restarted as the new Re:vale, but could we really blame Yuki? It was just a sign that he was still not over the fact that he didn't know where Banri was. It's not easy to let go of someone who you have spent a lot of time with after all.

Who caused the fall of the original Re:vale? It was no one other than Kujo, the person who still struggles with his own loss.

Kujo's goal was to make original Re:vale the next legandary idols, but Banri knew that Kujo was not the man who would make a safe and free environment for his idols. That's why Banri left Yuki behind after the accident, to protect him from Kujo. Yuki was already planning to work for Kujo since Kujo said he would pay for Banri's medical bills, but Banri knew that Yuki wouldn't hesitate to take the offer.

After that came a dark and depressing period for Yuki, but he got out of it eventually because of Momo. What would have happened if Momo wasn't there? It wouldn't have gotten an happy end, I think. At the same time, it makes me wonder how Kujo would react when he meets Zero again. Will he react like Yuki did to Banri…? Will he finally be able to settle down with himself? These are questions we can only ponder on right now.

Rokuya Nagi

The last character I'm going to talk about is our lovely Nagi from IDOLiSH7. To be honest how can it not be Nagi. I know. Nagi is such an important character in the series, because he's not only supporting the members like no other, but he also has a lot of similarities to other characters or differences that make him stand out.

The important person for Nagi was no one other than Sakura Haruka, the composer of Zero and the person who worked alongside Kujo. What a small world we live in. Haruki basically thought Nagi how to be humane and how to love, since Nagi wasn't really in an environment to receive love himself. He had known Haruki since he was small and Haruki taught him lots of things. It was as if nothing could go wrong, but Haruki's health started to deteriorate and that's when Haruki decided to leave Nagi's side...

One day they will still be next to you, but the next day they will take their leave quietly. Zero disappeared without saying anything, leaving nothing behind, except his legacy. Unlike Zero, Banri and Haruki left a letter to the one they care for. Zero has everything he wanted and he left, while both Banri and Haruki left due to their health to not burden the others around them. If you're gonna te me that Zero is not healthy, then this is the time to do so, lol. Anyway, as you can see, there are already a lot of similarities between Yuki and Nagi.

Just like Kujo and Yuki, Nagi had lost the person he cared the most for (at that time at least). But… he didn't look for Haruki. Instead he fulfilled Haruki's request. This made me think… did Haruki perhaps anticipated this and taught Nagi to be the current person he is, so he wouldn't fall into despair? Did Haruki maybe know that this would do Nagi good in a way? We shouldn't forget that Haruki was close to Kujo and how he probably saw how Kujo fell into his current state.

Just like Yuki, Nagi got to meet Haruki again and it certainly was a tearful reunion. Sakura Haruki's time was coming to an end. So. We first had Kujo not being able to reunite with Zero, then we had Yuki actually being able to reunite with Banri, and now we have Nagi who reunited with Haruki, only to say goodbye soon. The story is sure very cruel. It's difficult to say goodbye. We all know it.

❝ Even if our youth ends someday and we go separate ways, there’s nothing sad about it. ❞

This was what Haruki said to Kujo in the past. Even when the main cast meets Haruki, he never stopped thinking like this. His view on life hadn't changed. That's just how Haruki was. Haruki basically teaches the people around him to cherish every moment and to accept the things they are. What is "ours" will one day become "everyone's". Nothing to be sad about and Nagi understood Haruki's way of thinking. That's why he never lost his way like Yuki or Kujo. That's just how important Haruki was to him. What was once Haruki's is now Nagi's and that's how Haruki lives on.

Regarding part 5 (again)

I believe that Yuki and Nagi are supposed to be an alternative version to what Kujo could have been as character. They are totally different from each other, but at the same time they went through a similar experience. It's also crazy how you can connect their stories logically... Here is a random table. It doesn't add anything, but have fun.

Okay, so I have been talking about how Yuki and Nagi were in the same shoes as Kujo, but can we please talk about how part 5 literally pushes this idea in our face, but with TRIGGER? This is bizarre, especially when you think about Tenn being Zero, Gaku being Kujo and Ryu being Haruki. Something makes sense in all this nonsense, but I can't put my finger on it.

The person to disappear seems to not want to burden someone. I know we don't really know Zero's reason of disappearance, but I can place this situation in Tenn. Friendly reminder that he voluntarily cut his ties with the Nanase family, because he wanted to help his family and most importantly Riku.

The person to search for the missing person seems to be fixated on the missing person. Despite not knowing everything and/or not agreeing with the decisions the missing person has taken, they never seem to really leave the person alone. Gaku is always bickering with Tenn, but at the same time he's the person who looks out for him the most. Not so excessive like Kujo, but in his own way.

The person close to the other two seems to bring them to the right path. It's not always easy and sometimes they fail, but they never stop supporting them. That's exactly what Haruki did and what Momo did to Yuki, but this is also what Ryu does with Tenn and Gaku. He's someone who can't be missed and even when he's not around, his words will find their way...

If this is the first post you've read from me and you're interested in this whole TRIGGER thing, maybe you're interested in reading this.

Thank you for reading my nonsense again and I hope to see you next time as well~~

[pyropsychiccollector]

Natza Drabble - Future

Natsu: ... You okay? I know they forced that Seventh Guild Master thing on ya.

Erza: Yes, but only until we get Master Makarov back. ^___^

Natsu: What'd ya wanna talk about, then? I'm not the best strategist or whatever... ^^;

Erza: *giggle* It's not about any of that. I just... wanted to catch up. *fond smile* I missed you.

Natsu: *scratches head* Me 'n Happy did leave kinda sudden, huh? Luce already chewed me out... >___>

Erza: And I'm sure it was well deserved.

Natsu: *pout* Mean...

Erza: ... But I understand why you left. It didn't make that year apart any easier... But I understood you.

Natsu: *guilty face* Erza...

Erza: And it got me thinking... I understand you better than I do everyone else. Gray comes second in my heart, but you will always surpass even him. Because you embody our guild the best, and you always get close to me, even when I closed off my heart out of fear of getting hurt again.

Natsu: ...

Erza: You're warm, bright, optimistic... You leap right into things without thinking, but sometimes it's good to show initiative. If you always sit back and overthink things, it can wind up hurting you and those you love. Sometimes, you just have to... act.

Natsu: *furrowed brow* What're you tryna say...?

Erza: Natsu... I... I'm not sure when, but at some point, you became my most precious friend. Far more than a friend, if I'm honest with myself, but it took that year apart for it to really sink in. I just... I needed you to know that. I know I'm hard on you a lot, and you probably think of Lucy or Lisanna this way, but I wanted... I wanted to be like you and act on my feelings, instead of holding them in and thinking about them.

Natsu: ... Idiot... *shoulders tremble a bit as his bangs overshadow his eyes*

Erza: Natsu?

Natsu: *looks up with tear-filled eyes* I've wanted to hear you say somethin' like that for forever now! It's how I feel about you! How could I not?! You're tough on me, but it's the only way to get through my thick skull! I just... I want you happy, Erza! It just felt like, no matter what I did, that guy... Jellal... He made you friggin' ecstatic! How can I compete with a guy like that, even after he hurt you? I thought for sure you guys would be somethin' by now, since you said you worked with him for the past year...

Erza: *small, sad smile* I did work with him... But my feelings for him never changed throughout our time together. They didn't diminish, but they didn't grow, either... I realized I never really *loved* him... Not the way Alzack and Bisca feel for each other. I care deeply for him, and want him to experience a guilt-free life, but I really think I can't be there for him in a romantic way. Sure, I thought I wanted that, but he can't let go of the past if he wakes up and sees me every moment of every day. He needs... to see new faces, have new experiences. I'll still support him, but we both decided we shouldn't pursue a relationship, so...

Natsu: When'd you decide that?!

Erza: Back when your Second Origin was unlocked... It was awkward for both of us, and we had a hard time "letting go" - I think there's still lingering feelings - but... We're resolute on this. *Shy smile* Jellal... has been out for a while now. But you've been there for me.

Natsu: ... I'm... happy to hear you say that... Really happy...

Erza: *strides over and hugs him* You always get me thinking about the future... So why don't we build one together? ^___^

Natsu: ... I'd like that... *Grin*