#i've spent two hours typing this and i hate myself

[clarisse0o]

Camp Wiegman-Part 18

Lucy Bronze x Ona Batlle

Alternative Universe : Military School

Words : 5k

Masterlist

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Sunday, November 15; 1:00 PM - Park.

This morning, I woke up in the arms of Joan, who was still fast asleep. My head hurt so much that I was glad I hadn't been woken up by his cries. I quickly realized I had a hangover. I had to text Mapi to understand how I ended up in my bed without her. Usually, we go home together. She replied an hour later, telling me about my exploits from the previous night with Bronze. I felt guilty immediately. She's going to give me hell when I return to Manchester. I'm already mentally preparing myself, knowing she won't go easy on me. To change my mind, I suggested going to the park with Joan before I left. He jumped for joy. I told my mom, who didn’t even react. We're even more at odds than before. This atmosphere made me eat and leave for the park right after. Here I am, sitting on a bench watching Joan play with kids hIS age in the playground. I'm happy to give him one last good moment. He often looks at me to wave, and I happily wave back. I jump when I feel two hands rather roughly placed on my shoulders.

- BOO!

- Oh damn, Maria !

She bursts out laughing as she sits down next to me. I immediately relax, letting out a sigh of relief.

- You're crazy!

- I can't help it if you still get scared so easily, she giggles. I love scaring you every time!

I roll my eyes in amusement. And they call me a child. Bronze would change her mind if she knew Mapi.

- How are you feeling since yesterday? she asks seriously. Is your headache gone?

- Yeah, after three pills and a good cold shower, I say, making her laugh.

She may be my best friend, but she's the first to make fun of me. She's the type who would laugh before asking if I'm okay if I fell. She calms down, and I smile when she waves to Joan in the distance.

- Your flight is at three, right?

- Yeah, I sighed.

- Joan's going to miss you, you know.

- I know... He asked me if she could fit in my suitcase this morning. I laughed a lot.

- I bet, she chuckles. He could probably fit, too, I'm sure.

- Probably, yes.

I smile, watching my brother. I'm going to miss him so much if he only knew. If I could, I’d take him with me. I sincerely hope he'll stop misbehaving while I'm gone.

- Excited to go back?

- Not really, given what's waiting for me...

- That bad? she laughs.

- Bronze is really mad at me. She texted me this morning, telling me not to message her all day and that we'll talk face-to-face tonight.

- Ouch. She seemed nice when I talked to her yesterday.

She's not laughing this time. She must have understood that I'm not at my best. Bronze trusted me, and now I've let her down again. I always mess up. What was I thinking, calling her in the middle of a party? Even drunk, I should have known better.

- You like your supervisor a lot, huh?

- What makes you say that? I asked, intrigued.

- It's obvious. You're practically biting your nails with guilt, she smiles in amusement. You're singing a different tune than your first days when you called me crying, saying you hated her.

- Well, I was being rebellious in the beginning, I chuckled. We’ve moved past that. I realized she just wanted to help me.

- Yeah, but I don't know, I feel there's something more. Isn't there?

- You're probably right... Things have been different between us since my detox... I admitted.

- Different how?

- I don't know, I sighed, leaning back against the bench. It's just... different. She was nice, even though she didn't pity me.

- What aren’t you telling me? she raises an eyebrow.

She noticed I'm hesitating to continue. I look at her for a moment, biting my lip.

- I-I don't know... I had a low point after my detox, I finally confided. She was there, having spent a week taking care of me... I don't know what came over me, but I just broke down. I needed to tell her how I felt about everything that happened.

- And did you?

I nodded timidly. I feel guilty knowing it took me three months to confide in Mapi. It took me barely half that time to do it with Bronze, whom I barely know. In the end, I don't really know her. I don't know anything about her or her life. I still wonder why I feel the need to confide in her.

- Hey, I don't blame you if that's what's worrying you, she said, placing her hand on my knee. Maybe she's the one you need. Well, she corrected herself seeing my expression. I mean, if you feel comfortable with her, go for it. She only wants what's best for you; it's obvious. Just look at how she reacted last night and the blackmail she makes with you.

- They're deals, I corrected her. Deals that I agree to after negotiation... I know they're for my own good and effective. The thing is, she’s never judged me, never pitied me. Even when I was weak... She always treated me as if I were the same, and I feel heard.

- Can I ask you a question?

- Of course.

- Do you have a relationship with her?

- What? I exclaimed. Of course not! What makes you think that?

- Maybe the fact that you called her "baby" last night.

- I did what? I screamed.

Oh my God. I'm in even deeper trouble than I thought. Mapi can't help but burst out laughing at my distraught face. I start to wonder if she's playing a cruel joke on me. That idea quickly fades when she speaks again.

- OK, I guess you're not lying given your reaction. You're not dating her then, you promise? I wouldn't mind, you know!

- No! Are you crazy?! Never in a million years! I'd never even think of it! She'd probably punish me just for thinking that! Oh damn... I say, sinking into the bench. She's going to kill me...

- Why? It's not that dramatic. But if she does, I'd like to see it! It's not every day you see Ona Batlle being put in her place!

- Believe me, she's the first to manage it, I sighed. I'm in big trouble. I should never have gone to that party, I groaned, running my hand over my face. I told you it was a bad idea!

- Hey, don't blame me! It was just a party where you had fun, that's all. You didn’t mess up. I didn’t even have to refuse drugs; you did it yourself! Plus, you got at least three numbers.

- Hmm... It was a good party, but it's not worth it. You don't know my supervisor!

- Relax! I'm sure you'll handle the situation. She doesn't seem that bad. She was worried about you. Besides, she wasn't here to keep an eye on you. Maybe it made her anxious?

- That's exactly why she's going to yell at me! I promised her I wouldn’t do anything wrong.

- You didn't do anything wrong, she rolled her eyes. Well, how about we change the subject, huh? I can see this is killing you, she chuckled.

She's probably right. She doesn't give me a choice and starts talking about stories from last night and her girlfriend. As for me, I talk a lot about my new friends and the camp. Joan interrupts us, reminding me of the time. Saying goodbye to Mapi is painful. I miss her more than she lets on. It's going to be hard to hold on until the next holiday. I especially feel that Bronze will make it harder for me to go out. I'm already depressed just thinking about it. I have only myself to blame. I ponder all this on the way back. I barely have time to stop by the house before heading to the airport. Joan insisted on coming with me. I didn’t see any reason to refuse since Hector would be there. I know he'll take good care of him. When we're there, he enjoys helping me check in my bags. It's only when we head to the boarding gate that he starts to realize what's happening. Especially when the intercom announces the imminent departure of my flight.

- I don't want you to leave, he cries, tears streaming down his face. It was way too short.

- I'll be back soon, don’t worry.

- Next weekend?

- We'll see... I can't promise anything, I grimaced. Oh, I almost forgot.

He looks at me intently while I rummage through my backpack. I pull out a big brown teddy bear. His eyes light up. When I saw it in a shop window in Manchester, I immediately thought of him. I had to get it for him. I silently thank Bronze for making me go out last week. Without him, I wouldn't have been able to bring him anything.

- Is this for me?

- Of course, I handed it to him. So you can sleep with it and think of me every time you see it. It will remind you that I’m thinking of you and that I'm never far away.

- Thank youuu!

I barely have time to crouch to her level before his little arms wrap tightly around me. I smile, feeling the teddy bear between us. He clings tightly to it when we part.

- It smells like you!

- That's normal. It’s been in my stuff for a week, I chuckled.

The intercom brings me back to reality. I sigh in annoyance. The silver lining is that Joan's tears have stopped, replaced by a big smile.

- I'll be waiting patiently for you.

- You better! No more mischief, you promised me.

We pinky swear, and I kiss his forehead. I ruffle his hair while saying goodbye to Hector. I walk towards the flight attendants to hand them my ticket. I’m one of the last to board, so there isn't much of a line. I barely have time to settle in before the plane takes off a few minutes later. I put my headphones on and close my eyes, thinking about everything that happened this weekend. I’m dreading this return. I really don't feel good about it. I reach the point where I can hardly fall asleep.

Sunday, November 15; 6:10 PM - Manchester Airport.

The plane just landed. The flight attendant had to wake me up when it was time to fasten my seatbelt. I managed to sleep a little, thanks to my calming music. She joked that she might become my personal flight attendant if I keep flying like this. I get the feeling she likes me, and it's mutual. After all, we’re both young. She’s also very beautiful, exactly my type. Her blue eyes stand out perfectly with her dark hair. I smile at her and say we’ll see each other next time, which seems to please her. I grab my bag from under my seat and exit the plane. I take the initiative to turn off and put away my headphones. Bronze is picking me up, and I know she doesn't like seeing me with those things on my head. I hope she hasn't changed her mind. The last thing I need is for her to send a taxi because of what I did. If not, I'll have to face her right away, but at least it will be over. I'm relieved when I see her in the arrivals hall. It's the second time I’ve seen her in regular clothes. She’s wearing jeans, a sweater, and a jacket over it. I cringe when I see her arms crossed. It looks like she's not hiding her anger this time. I take a deep breath before walking over. I hold back a smile because I’m still happy to see her again.

- Hi, Bronze... I say timidly.

She only gives me a nod in response. I think I'm getting off easy. She could have completely ignored me. We collect my suitcase without saying a word. I don't dare force a conversation, so I wait patiently for her to speak. Maybe I would have preferred a taxi after all. We reach her car, and she opens the trunk for me. I put my suitcase in, and then we sit in the front. I said I would wait for her to start, but this silence is unbearable. I'd rather she let out her anger than ignore me.

- Bronze... I'm sorry for what I did.

- You're such a damn fool! she snaps.

I lower my head, staying silent. At least it’s clear. She's mad. Without warning, she suddenly swerves to the side of the road. Luckily, my seatbelt holds me back, or I would have gone through the windshield. She stops the car and turns sharply towards me.

- You're such an idiot, Ona, she yells without giving me a chance to respond. You just came out of detox, and here you are starting again! Was the first time not enough for you?! What will it take for you to understand how serious this is?!

- I'm fine! I shout back. Why are you overreacting so much?! You're not my mom, my girlfriend, or even just a friend as far as I know! Even my mom doesn't care where I spent my evening, so why do you care so much?!

- Do you even think? she scolds, raising her voice even more. You called me at three in the morning from Barcelona, completely wasted. Damn it, Ona! Can’t you imagine how worried I was for a single second?! You called me in a terrible state while I was stuck across the country, unable to do anything! I asked you one thing. Just one thing! Not to go to places like that, and you did it!

- No, I retort. You asked me not to touch illegal substances, which I didn't! Even while drunk, I refused everything!

- And you feel proud of that?! Just for what you told me, I should ban you from leaving the camp for a month! I was so wrong about you, she finishes, lowering her voice. I thought you were more responsible and mature, but I guess not.

I close my eyes to absorb those last words that sting. I've been called immature twice in two days. I jump when she vents her anger by hitting the steering wheel violently. I didn't think it would affect her so much. She's right. I'm just a reckless kid. I never should have worried her like that. Nothing would have happened if I hadn't had her number.

- I'm really sorry, Bronze... You're right, it was immature of me. Mapi convinced me to go to meet her girlfriend... I just had a few drinks, I promise. I never intended to worry you. I shouldn't have called you while partying. I found out this morning what I did from Mapi and immediately regretted it. I didn't want to disappoint you. Not you.

I don't dare look at her. I needed to get that off my chest. I nervously play with my fingers, waiting for her response. I'm afraid she'll hold this against me for a long time. I’d hate myself if I lose her trust. She sighs heavily, running a hand through her hair.

- Yes, you were immature, she agrees. I never thought you’d do something like this after the last time ended so badly. However, I also need to apologize. I shouldn't have overreacted like that. You're right; we're not that close, but I'm still your supervisor, and that doesn’t stop me from worrying about you.

- No, you don't have to apologize. It's my fault, and it’s your job to correct me... I appreciate you worrying about me like this. You're not mad at me anymore? I bite my lip.

- Oh, I'm still mad. If it were up to me, I'd keep you grounded all Monday to teach you a lesson. You're lucky I don’t have a valid reason to report to the administration.

I suppress a smile. I wasn't entirely wrong when I told Mapi I’d probably have to do extra laps. I finally dare to look at her for the first time since we got in the car. She's looking at me too. I’m sure she hasn't taken her eyes off me since the beginning.

- What can I do to make it up to you?

- What can you do? she repeats, raising an eyebrow. Stay away from parties for a start. As for the rest, we'll see, I'm thinking.

- You can't be serious? You're not really going to stop me from going out, are you?! I've never been grounded in my life!

- Well, there's a first time for everything.

- I'm twenty, Bronze! Parties are what people my age do! What do you think your other students do on weekends, huh?

- You're not like the other students, Ona. You’re my student, under my responsibility. Besides, you just came out of detox, and I'm sure you were around drugs all night.

Take that. I bite my lip to stop myself from confirming her suspicion. I deserve this. I think I’m getting off easy. I'm sure she was a hair’s breadth away from restricting my outings. The only thing holding her back is our deal.

- Am I wrong?

- Excuse me?

- Am I wrong? she repeats sternly.

- No, I whisper. But I didn't touch anything, I promise.

- I wonder how you managed to hold out in just two weeks. I want you to promise me something.

- Promise what?

- No more parties... Please.

- Fine, no more parties, I roll my eyes. You explain that to my best friend.

- No problem, I’ll tell her myself if I have to.

I raise an eyebrow. She really will do anything to get her way. Now I'm banned from partying. Even when she's thousands of miles away, she'll have an influence on me. Just thinking about it frustrates me, but I know she's doing it for my sake.

- Are you hungry?

- Are you asking me if I'm hungry?

- Let's go eat.

She doesn't have to ask me twice! She changes direction once we’re back on the road. She doesn't ask my opinion on where to go, but I trust her. In the end, I’m not doing too badly after this confrontation. She could have forbidden me from leaving Manchester if she wanted. The meal goes smoothly. We talk about our weekends without going into details. She just confirmed that she saw her ex to return her things and spent both evenings with friends. She asked me to detail mine, so I told her about my afternoons with Joan and my night out. I avoided talking about my mother, not wanting to go into details. Our little evening ends around nine o'clock. She dropped me off at the street corner near the camp so I could walk back alone, to avoid being seen arriving together. I wished her good night then.

I hurry back to the school, feeling the cold. I forgot how much warmer it was in Barcelona. I'm relieved when I reach the dormitory. The place is far from warm, yet I feel more at home here than in my own house. I must be abnormal. I take my time climbing the stairs now that I'm warm. I struggle a bit to carry my suitcase. It's always a hassle to get it up the stairs. I stop at the entrance of my room, thinking about what's about to happen, and it doesn't take long. As soon as I step inside, Alexia literally jumps on me. I lose my balance, unintentionally taking both of us down, narrowly avoiding my suitcase.

- You're crazy, I laugh.

- I missed you so much! I thought you’d never come back.

I giggle when she helps me get up. She helps me bring my things into the room. She is already in her pajamas. Then again, I didn't come back early tonight. I ask her how she is while I start putting my things away in the closet. If I don’t do it now, I never will, knowing myself.

“Did you have a good weekend?” she asks me.

“Great! Joan didn't want to let me go at the airport; it was almost painful... And you?”

“Yeah, awesome! I finally got to see my girlfriend”

I stop dead in my tracks. Girlfriend ? She’s never mentioned a girlfriend. I furrow my brows and slowly turn to face her. She bites her lip to stifle a smile.

“Your what? Since when do you have a girlfriend?”

“Uh... yeah, girlfriend.”

“Wait, wait... You talk to me all day long and you've never mentioned this?!”

“Sorry,” she chuckles, “but it’s a bit complicated...”

“Complicated?”

I furrow my brows again. She seems very nervous, but I don't see why she would be. It’s normal to have a girlfriend, right?

“I think you have the right to know now... First, I want to apologize for not telling you sooner, but I couldn’t... not until I knew if I could trust you.”

“Why? It’s not a state secret as far as I know.”

“Yes, it’s true. Sorry, but you'll understand if you let me talk.”

Just when I thought I was going to have a quiet evening after Bronze, I was wrong. I sigh as I put the sweater I had in my hands away. Since it seems to be an important subject, I prefer to sit comfortably on my bed to talk.

“Alright, go ahead. I’m all ears.”

“You’re not mad?”

“Why would I be? You have the right to keep things from me. You don't have to tell me now if you don’t want to.”

“No, I want to. I trust you.”

I smile. It's a pleasure when someone tells you that. After all, we’ve known each other for a month and a half, and I've never betrayed any of her secrets so far.

“Go ahead then. I'm listening.”

“Well... First, it’s been two years since Alba and I have been here,” she begins, to which I nod. “I’m dating someone from the school... or rather someone who used to be here, but probably not in the way you think.”

“What do you mean?”

“Do you remember the story you heard about an instructor and a student? The one you mentioned one night with Leah after your punishments?”

She already has my attention. I nod to show I remember.

“Both were expelled, right?”

“Not exactly...”

“What do you mean? Wait, don't tell me it was you?!”

Her silence says it all. I'm stunned. Alexia broke such a serious rule? What’s going on! This is impossible. She’s such a model student... Yet the fact that she bites her lip in front of me makes it clear that it might be true.

“Okay, assuming it was you... why are you still here then?”

“It’s quite simple,” she sighs. “They knew who the instructor was... but not the student. They just knew it was someone from this room, since... since she came here a lot during our breaks.”

“I don't even want to know what you did here.”

I grimace in disgust, making her laugh. Now I’m imagining her with a complete stranger whose face I don’t even know. I’m still waiting for more explanations.

“I had another roommate before you, Luna. A reckless one like you. She absolutely wanted to leave to live her life with her boyfriend, unlike me who had my sister and best friends here... So Luna got blamed instead to be able to leave. My girlfriend, on the other hand, couldn’t escape being expelled.”

“Wow... I didn’t expect that!”

“You’re not upset?”

“Why would I be upset? You do what you want,” I say with a smile. “Are you still with her then?”

“Well, I don't know. You never know, and yes, of course, we’re still together!”

“Didn’t Alba take it badly, the whole thing?”

“She doesn’t know... If she did, I’d be in big trouble,” she giggles.

I've noticed that Alba is very overprotective of her. I don’t even know how she puts up with it. I would have set her straight by now if I were in her place. I think she loves her too much to do that. She’s her sister, and she’s always taken care of her, after all.

“But how did you manage to see her if Alba doesn’t know?”

“I pretended to visit a friend to come back here.”

“I see. Well, tell me everything now while I finish putting my things away. What's her name?”

She smiles broadly. Her stress has subsided. She probably didn’t expect me to be this interested. I really like Alexia. I told her I was her friend, and now is the time to show it. I get up and continue to unpack my suitcase while she starts her monologue. I learn a few things, like her name. Her name is Jennifer. She’s tall, muscular, and tattooed. According to her, she’s the perfect girl. I almost want to call her Aphrodite given the way she describes and compliments her. I thought she was exaggerating until she showed me a photo of them. I realize she’s really handsome for her type, and the nickname I was thinking of giving her fits perfectly. She tells me about their beginnings, explaining that she was the one who made the first move by trying to get her attention in any way she could. She even flirted with her. She resisted for a long time before giving in to temptation. When she finishes, and so do I, I rush to take a shower quickly before curfew. Luckily for me, I manage to turn off the light a few minutes before ten.

“Thanks for not judging me, Ona.”

“I will never judge you Ale. Goodnight, Alexia.”

I turn over in bed to face away from her. I try to fall asleep, but my mind is too occupied with what she just told me. Luckily for me, fatigue gets the better of me.

[canirove]

Rice, Rice, baby | Chapter 2

Author’s note: Thank you very much for your support on the first chapter!! 💜 It always means a lot, but this time even more since there are people out there spreading lies about me and trying to hurt me. So, for hopefully the last time since I want to put my own advice to use and let all this stupid and childish drama go: I've never copied/stolen anyone's story and made it/claimed it as my own. If you want to believe what anonymous people on the internet say with no proof, that's on you. My conscience is very clear. Anyway, hope you like this chapter, and thank you for reading! 💜

Previous chapter | Next chapter

Masterlist

"Madders, hey. Can I talk with you for a second?" I ask him after training.

"Of course" he smiles. "What can I do for my favourite Tottenham girl?"

"I need to ask you for a favour."

"Ok."

"Can you give me Declan Rice's phone number?"

"What?" he laughs.

"When you were here with the national team he forgot his hat and I want to tell him that I found it."

"Sure, Liv. Sure."

"It is the truth."

"I believe you, Liv."

"No, you don't. You are trying not to smile."

"I'm… ok, busted" Madders grins. "But if you fancy him and want his number, you just have to ask. He's a really nice guy."

"I don't fancy him."

"Didn't look like it the other day when you were smiling at each other like two idiots in love.”

"I don't, James. I just want to give him his hat back" I insist.

"Then give it to me and I'll give it to him. I'll stop by his house after training."

"You have a family to be with and I have nothing else to do. I'll do it."

"Because you definitely don't fancy him."

"James…" I sigh.

"Ok, ok" he chuckles. "I'll send you his number."

"Thank you."

"He said you are really nice, by the way" Madders says while typing on his phone.

"Did he?" I ask, definitely sounding way too excited about it. 

"He did" he replies, back to grinning from ear to ear. "You can ask Jack, he was with us."

"I'll pass."

"I don't understand why you hate him so much. He's a good lad."

"I don't hate him, I just don't like him. At all."

"He said you are very cute."

"And I don't care."

"But if it had been Declan…" he smirks.

"Urgh" I groan.

"I'll stop teasing you now, I promise" he laughs. "And done. Now you can text him about his hat, about how training is going, if he's free next Tuesday…"

"You are such an idiot, Madders."

"I love you too" he smiles before I walk away.

"Oh, Olivia."

"Jesus Christ, Micky. You scared the hell out of me" I say, my hand instinctively moving to my heart.

"Sorry” he smiles. “But that's nothing compared to what your dad will do to you when he finds out you are flirting with Arsenal players."

"What?" I laugh.

"I overheard you asking Madders for Rice's phone number."

"Overheard, uh? Is that what they call it now?" I say, crossing my arms over my chest.

"I promise it wasn't on purpose, Liv. But seriously, be careful. Your dad won't like it."

"Well, if you overheard us talking, you will also know that I only want to give him his hat back. Nothing else."

"Are you sure?”

"Yes, I am sure."

"Ok, fine. But I've warned you. A Tottenham girl and an Arsenal boy… trouble."

"You all are so annoying… As if we were going to be like modern Romeo and Juliet or something like that” I laugh.

"Close" Micky says. "Anyway, gotta go get changed. Don't do anything stupid, Liv."

“Same goes to you, van de Ven” I reply before going back to the cafeteria.

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"You are just stopping by to give him a hat. Nothing else. And you look great. A Tottenham sweatshirt and jeans. Casual, as if you just came from work. Nothing that says I've spent an hour rummaging through my wardrobe looking for something to wear" I tell myself as I park outside Declan's house. "You can do this, Olivia. You can."

It had been just a couple of texts. Hey, it's Liv, you forgot your hat. Oh, so that's where it was. I can drop it after work if you want. Cool, here is my address.

But my hands had never shaken that much while texting someone, and they were shaking again as I rang the bell.

"You can do this, Liv. You can" I say to myself. "You can."

"Liv, hi!" Declan says after opening the door, smiling at me in a way that makes my knees feel like jelly, just like the day we met. Maybe I can't do this. 

"Hi" I reply, my voice sounding all squeaky. "Your hat."

"Thank you so much. It is one of my lucky ones, and you probably know how… special we football players are with our routines and things that give us luck" he chuckles.

"I am, yes" I smile. Or try to. My face probably is doing the ugliest grimace ever.

"Deccy! Deccy, the coffee machine isn't working!" a female voice says behind him.

"What?"

"The coffee machine" the owner of the voice says, showing up behind him. She is only wearing a huge Arsenal hoodie and some socks, her hair up on a messy bun. And she looks… Well, stunning. 

"I'll fix it in a minute. Sometimes it gets stuck."

"Or you could buy a new one. You have the money, you know?" she says.

"Yeah, whatever" Declan replies. "Thank you for bringing me my hat, Liv."

"Of course" I say.

"It was really nice seeing you again."

"Yeah, you too."

"Deccy!" the girl calls again, neither Declan or I moving from where we are standing.

"I better go" he sighs.

"Yeah."

"Bye, Liv."

"Bye" I reply, the door closing in my face.

Idiot. Idiot, idiot, idiot.

Of course he has a girlfriend. Of course he does! You are such a fool, Olivia…

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

"Bloody machine."

"Woke up with the wrong foot?"

"Shut up, van de Ven."

"I'll take that as a yes" Micky chuckles.

"Liv! My favourite barista in the whole wide world. How are you?" Madders asks me.

"Not in the best mood" Micky says.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Are you in those days?"

"James!" Micky says, hitting him in the back of the head.

"That hurt, bro!" he replies, rubbing his hand where he had been hit. "Why did you do that?"

"Because you were being an idiot, that's why."

"Was I?"

"Yes, you were" I say.

"Sorry… Anyway, Liv. How did your date with Rice go?"

"Your what with whom?" Micky says.

"It wasn't a date" I say, hitting the coffee machine. 

"Ok, fine. But you went to his house, right? Didn't he invite you in?"

"No."

"That's rude" Micky says.

"He was with his girlfriend."

"What?" they say at the same time.

"Yeah" I sigh.

"Declan doesn't have a girlfriend" Madders laughs.

"He does, I saw her myself. She called him Deccy."

"Deccy? Oh my God" he laughs again. "You just gave me another nickname to use on him and piss him off."

"Don't you dare call him that, Maddison. He'll know it was me the one who told you."

"Ok, ok. I won't. But it is so good…"

"Don't" I threaten him.

"I won't, Liv. I promise. But I also promise you he doesn't have a girlfriend. She probably was just a hookup."

"Well, the thing is that he was with someone, and she was stunning."

"As if you were a troll" Micky snorts.

"Next to her I am, yes. Especially if I wore what she was wearing" I say, hitting the bloody machine once again.

"Liv, don't say those things. You are beautiful" Madders says.

"Thank you. But it's ok. I was just fooling myself."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Someone like Declan could never be interested in someone like me. Guys like him like Instagram girls, and not the type who only post about the cats they feed on the street" I sigh, finally giving up on the coffee machine.

“So you do like him, uh?” Madders smirks. “Ouch!” he complains when Micky hits him again. “What did I do now?”

"Do you seriously have to ask?” he says, nodding towards me. “And Liv, just so you know, I will always prefer seeing cute cats over photos with a million filters where the girls look like dolls.” 

"Thank you, Micky. But like I said, it's ok” I shrug. “And I'm gonna go call someone to come fix this thing. If you all are annoying as hell after drinking caffeine, imagine without it."

“Liv, are you sure you are ok?” he asks me.

“I'm fine, don't worry” I reply, forcing myself to smile. I just feel like the biggest fool, but I'm fine. 

[scarisd3ad]

Superstar | football player! Joel Miller x Popstar! Reader

Chapter seven | you’re the one I want

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Taglist

Warnings - cursing? A little bit of anxiety.

Summary - when you find out about a certain football player showing up at your tour you decide to reach out just because of all the dating rumors, but what if thoughs rumors turn into reality?

I stroll down the long bustling hallways of the airport, two security guards in front of me, two in back, my suitcase being rolled beside me, and Ollie's carrier in my right hand. I didn't intend to be flying to my Houston shows seeing that Houston and Austin are only about 2 two-hour car ride away, but my record company needed me to urgently fly out to California.

I let out a sigh as I'm escorted out to my private jet. I used to hate the whole celeb's only flying private bullshit. but as my fame grew, and the amount of people who loved and hated me increased it just became safer to start flying private. the sun glares into my eyes as I step out of the set of double doors in front of me, "just this way ma'am" my main security guard, Charlie says grabbing my arm and pulling me towards my jet. I'm helped up the stairs of the plane and escorted to my seat. Sometimes I feel like a princess. I'm just not used to this kind of life. Even after years of it being this way. I'll never get used to the jets, guards, mansions, and million-dollar cars.

I let out a sigh as I leaned my head back against the headrest. My phone sat against my thigh, and Ollie's carrier sat in the seat beside me. Buzz. My phone buzzes against my thigh. I look down and pick it up to see what it is.

Joel - have a safe flight. Wish I could make it to the show. See you on Saturday.

Ever since I met Joel's ex, I've been distancing myself. I was glad I had an excuse, first with needing to practice, and then with the whole record company thing. But yesterday Joel informed me he'd be at night 2 in Houston. Sarah and Ellie would be staying home this time. He had some school thing for Ellie tonight, but he'd be driving out tomorrow morning. I was a little nervous with my parents being at all three shows this weekend, which meant they'd finally get to meet Joel, and not just see him through a TV screen.

I let out a deep sigh before typing out my response. '<33 can't wait to see you' I let out a frustrated puff of air as my head collided with the plush cushion of the headrest. Buzz, buzz. God who else could want to talk to me right now? I pick my phone back up, flipping it around so I could see the screen.

momma - text me when you land

momma - can't wait to see you later

I just send back two thumbs-up emojis, feeling she'd understand what I meant. "ma'am, would you like anything to drink?" a stewardess asks, pushing a large metal trolley that was stocked to the brim with snacks and drinks. I always thought that having such a big trolley on private flights was unnecessary. It was only me, my security, and the crew. I shake my head. "No, but thank you."

-

I lay in bed at around 3 in the morning. The first night went well, thankfully. Ollie is curled up at the end of the bed, and my phone's screen shines brightly in my face. I lay in bed, feeling utterly exhausted, but sleep eluded me. My mind was consumed with thoughts of the next day: Joel meeting my parents. Would they like him? While I had no doubt that Dad would warm to him easily, given how much he already admired Joel, I couldn't shake the worry that he might not approve of our relationship.

Joel was supposed to be leaving soon. Despite my reassurance that he didn't need to leave early, he insisted, claiming that he wanted to make up for 'lost time'. I wouldn't be surprised if he was already awake, perhaps in the process of dropping Sarah and Ellie off at his mom's place at this very moment. Although I had spent the last weekend desperately trying to avoid him, I had equally yearned for him the entire time. I just wanted him, I wanted him to hold me, I wanted to hear his voice. I go to his contact and immediately begin to type up a message.

me - you up?

it only takes two minutes for my phone to buzz.

Joel - yup, what do you need?

me - the kids with you?

Joel - no, already dropped them off

As soon as he confirmed that his kids weren't with him, I quickly tapped the phone symbol at the top of his contact. I then put the phone on speaker, and the sound of the ringing filled the room. It felt like an eternity, but in reality, it took him less than 2 seconds to answer the phone. His deep voice reverberated through the speaker as he asked, "What's wrong?" I hum into the phone mumbling, "Can't sleep. Wanted to see what you're doing?" As he chuckles, my heart skips a beat or two. Everything about Joel could make a girl swoon. I still can't comprehend why he wants me.

"I'm on my way to you" I let out an exhausted giggle. "I miss you," I whisper, so quiet you wouldn't even catch it if you weren't listening really close. I can almost hear the smile that spreads across his face as he says, "Miss you too, baby."

We stay on that phone call for the entire 2-hour drive. I fall in and out of sleep, waking up only when I can hear the loud sounds of honking and him cursing under his break on the other end of the call. When I'm woken backup, it's by a sharp knock at the door. The phone call had since ended, my phone saying it had only ended about 4 or five minutes ago at 5:31. the sun had still yet to rise, which made it seem so much earlier than it was.

There's another sharp knock at the door that doesn't even stir Ollie from his new spot on the couch. I get up, a small groan escaping my lips as I drag my feet towards the door. I know who it is, and I am excited that he's here. It's just too early and I'm too tired to show that kind of emotion right now.

I unlock the chain before unlocking the door and swinging it open. As he greeted me with a stupid grin, he pulled me into a warm hug. I could feel the gentle pressure of his lips on the top of my head as he planted a light kiss. "I missed you so much," I whisper into his chest as he pushes us further into the room before kicking the door shut. He pulls away his stupid smile still on his face, he tries to lean in for a proper kiss, but I push him away muttering about how "I've got to get up at 7 we're not doing this right now" before falling back onto the bed.

-

We, well I woke up at 6:30 Joel had been awake the whole time. We made a quick stop at Dunkin to pick up breakfast, which really meant two coffees, one iced latte, and one hot black coffee. We make it to NGR stadium at 7:30 on the dot. Both my parents are already there, parked in the parking lot in my dad's red pickup truck. We pull up into the parking spot next to them. "that's them," I say as my mom looks up from her phone to wave at us.

I get out and greet both my parents, while Joel stands behind me awkwardly. "Hi Daddy," I say, engulfing my father in a hug. When we pull apart, he immediately goes to Joel "And you must be Joel heard an awful lot about you" Dad says, acting as if he hasn't watched Joel play almost every single Sunday since Joel joined the Cowboys. Joel smiles and takes my dad's hand into his in a nice, firm handshake. "I'm Randy, and this is my wife, Josephine. " My mom blushes at the use of her real name. "Oh, no one's called me that in year's just call me Josie."

We go over the whole show twice, once with streetwear and then a second time with costumes. The only part we didn't rehearse was the Surprise part bit because it didn't require dancers. we only rehearsed the entrance and exit part of it. My dad, mom, and Joel all stood at the end of the stage watching. both men have their phones out recording and snapping photos. I always roll my eyes at it. My dad acts like he doesn't have this show memorized from front to back. He probably has at least 10 versions of each song played on this tour in his album as we speak, but he'll still record this and later on tonight before posting all the versions he's accumulated from this weekend on his Facebook on Monday. by the time we run over it twice it's already one in the afternoon. I'm already absolutely exhausted. It's only one, so I have time to chill in my dressing room before it's time to get into hair and makeup. I'm already in the first outfit for the tour. A pink sparkly dress with white Mary Jane heels that match the 'daylight era' perfectly.

I'm laid out on the couch in my dressing room. My head sits in Joel's lap. Mom and Dad had gone out to get lunch, so it was just him and I. Thankfully they really liked Joel. dad and Joel spent the whole time laughing, joking, and talking about their kids. "You mind if I call the girls? Promised I'd Facetime them. " I nod. His kids were never a problem in our relationship. In fact, I loved both of those girls to death.

"Go for it. missed'em a bunch was thinkin' bout asking you to call them for me. " he smiles, his left hand interlocking with mine as he fumbled around with his phone, trying to Facetime them. I know it means a lot to him that I care for his kids, that I genuinely love them and it's not all some ruse to get him to like me more. His phone rings for about 20 seconds before his mom answers.

"wanna talk to the kids?" she asks, and he nods "Yeah Mom can you put them on for me?" she calls out both the kid's names and I can hear the faint of small feet pattering against the hardwood floor before the phone is handed off and both girls faces come into frame. "Hey girls, how are you guys doin'?" he asks. Both girls have wide grins on their faces. They love their dad so much. "Good!" both girls say in unison. "What are you doing-" Joel tries to get a question out but Sarah quickly cuts him off "Is y/n there?" she asks which is met with a "yup" and the camera is tilted towards my face. "Hey honey, what are you doing?" I ask, "Playing Barbies with Grandpa!" Ellie's face comes back into the frame.

"I'm playing too!" she says, holding up a brunette Barbie doll. "When are you and daddy coming back?" she asks as I hear the Barbie doll fall onto the wooden table that they were sitting at. "Monday, I think-"

"Daddy! Are you going to FaceTime me when she sings style?" Sarah asks and Joel flips the camera back up towards himself. "Yep, I promise." The sound of the door creaking open makes both our heads snap towards the door. There's my mom and dad walking in with two large McDonald's bags. "Alright, honey, I've gotta go, okay?" Joel says taking my parent's arrival as I sign to finish the phone call.

"WAIT! I wanna say bye to y/n" The camera is flipped back towards me, "y/n when can you stay the night with us again?" Sarah asks, Joel rolls his eyes at his daughters' efforts to prolong the call as long as possible. "I don't know, honey, we'd have to talk to your daddy about that."

"Daddy! Can she stay the night on Monday?" she shouts, which makes Joel laugh, "I don't know honey, we'll talk about this later, okay?"

"Okay! bye, daddy! bye y/n" Joel chuckles, shaking his head as he stuffs his phone back into his pocket. "Those your kids?" Dad asks as he walks further into the room and takes a seat in one of the lounge chairs that sits directly across from the couch. Mom puts the food down on the coffee table before taking a seat in the one adjacent to Dad's.

Joel nods, a small smile displayed on his lips, "remind me how old are they?" Dad asks and Joel is happy to answer. Joel loves to talk about his daughters. They're the light of his life. "9, and 5" Dad nods, leaning back in his chair. Joel's hand rakes through my hair affectionately as he and my dad go on talking about their kids. They throw around ideas of Sarah having a playdate with my two younger sisters, Avery and Dakota, who are 9 and 11. I think Sarah would get along nicely with Avery, and Dakota. probably much more than they got along with me. We just had too much of an age gap to have a traditional sisterly relationship.

-

20 minutes later, I'm in the makeup chair getting both hair and makeup done, which is probably the most tedious part of it all. It all takes about 30 minutes to an hour to do, which isn't bad. I've heard of people who have had to sit in makeup chairs for hours on end. By the time my makeup and hair are done, I've got about 30 minutes left to get to my position. my opening position is on a on a piece of stage that lifts and lowers up and down as needed. I'm crouched down under the stage, waiting for my cue. My in-ears count off the beats. I let out a deep sigh. I can vaguely hear the sound of a loud crowd up above me. My hand firmly grips the mic. 1,2,3,4. the stage begins to rise. What's left of the sun burns my eyes as the crowd goes wind. I'll never get used to the crowds. It is astonishing that this many people had come to see me, of all people.

About halfway through the show, my 'surprise song' set happens. I play two surprise acoustic versions of any song in my catalog. it's the most nerve-wracking part. there are no backing vocals, and no track playing to help me out. Just me, and the piano or guitar that I'm playing.

Everyone is quiet in the stadium as I appear back up on stage. Everyone anxiously awaits the moment I pick up that guitar. My left-hand wraps around the neck of the guitar, and the crowd erupts in loud 'whoops' and screams. "you guys are just amazing..." I laugh into the mic and the crowd goes wild yet again. "I just love this next song so much... so I think it's time to play paper rings!" the crowd goes wild with screams as I begin to strum the tune to the song. A few months ago, I would have told you I'd hate to sing this song. I used to associate this song solely with Andy, as it was originally written about him, and that's all I could think about whenever the song was mentioned. However, my thoughts have shifted to Joel now.

"The moon is high like your friends were the night that we first met, went home, and tried to stalk you on the internet, now I've read all of the books beside your bed," My gaze is drawn to the VIP tent where my mom, dad, and Joel are positioned. Despite the distance, I can clearly make out Joel's beaming smile. He has his camera pointed towards me, filming or maybe on Facetime, still with Sarah. "The wine is cold like the shoulder that I gave you in the street, cat, and mouse for a month or two or three, now I wake up in the night and watch you breathe," the crowd sings along, practically shouting the lyrics. "Kiss me once 'cause you know I had a long night, kiss me twice 'cause it's gonna be alright! Three times 'cause I've waited my whole life!"

Then, all together, the crowd chants, "One, two, one, two, three, four!" I giggle at how enthusiastic my fans are before continuing to sing, "I like shiny things, but I'd marry you with paper ring uh-huh that's right, darlin', you're the one I want" When I pick the surprise songs, it's normally the following evening, or the morning before the show.

It's almost always a last-minute decision. It's just matters how I'm feeling that day. Sometimes, if I come across a fan request on TikTok or Instagram, I select them, but for the most part, my decision is influenced by my feelings towards a particular person at that moment. Joel has been my inspiration for the surprise songs recently. with songs like Paper Rings, You Are in Love, and Labyrinth being chosen.

-

once I'm done singing, most of my fans wait in their seats. hoping to see me walking out. today I don't even bother to take my last costume off. I run out to where Joel is now standing near my exit still wearing the heals and sparkly bodysuit. I walk out waving to screaming fans, then I see Joel. I run up to him launching into his arms before pressing my lips to his, which causes an uproar, people cheer, and hoot and holler as Joel picks me up off the ground a bit, our lips still pressed against each other.

once I'm back on the ground I wrap my arm around the back of his neck, keeping him close to me as we walked into the black tent that stood behind us. "You did so good" he mutters as he presses a soft kiss against my cheeks. I'm beaming as I untangle myself from Joels arms and run to my mother and father.

its late probably one or two in the morning once we get of the stadium. my mom and dad had already head back to their hotel, while Joel and I drove around looking for somewhere to eat. we're hoping for a drive thru, so we can pick something up and just head back to the hotel. Joel hand sits on my upper thigh, his thumb caressing the area softly as we pulled into a 24-hour McDonalds drive thru. there is no one in line so were drive straight up to the menu. a young male voice come's through the speaker, "welcome to McDonalds how may I help you?"

we order our food and then head back to the hotel. by the time we actually get into bed its around 3 am. and like every other night on tour I have trouble falling to sleep. Joel's arms are wrapped around my waist, pulling me ever closer to him. but even with Joels right next to I still can't seem to fall asleep. I can't tell if he's asleep or not, but I can feel his chest slowly rising and falling against my back. I try to toss and turn, but Joels tight grip around my waist inhibits me from doing that. somehow the small amount of movement had either woken him up or alerted him that I was frustrated. He nuzzles into my neck pressing a quick kiss before whispering "you alright?" his hot breath fans across my ear causing my heart to skip a beat and my cheeks to warm up. I shrug whispering "can't sleep." he smiles as I turn my body so it's facing him. he leans in capturing my lips in a kiss.

his lips are soft against mine, his arm tightens around my waist pulling me closer, if even can. when I pull away, I lay my head against his chest. listening to hi heat beat. bum, bum, bum bum. feeling his chest rise up and down softly. feeling his left hand rub small circles into my upper thigh. it all gently lulls me to sleep, unlike anything ever did. and right then and there I start to think that this could last. before I always assumed this was something temporary, even after we confessed our feelings. but now I'm thinking about a future. a future where I get to fall asleep and wake up to this every day, a future where I'm his wife.

-

@taylarxse @none-of-this-makes-any-sense @ktheunready @camixkami @skysmiller @mars743 @tylrswftss @alyhull @jenna-mcgraw19 @h4teh3x @lexloon @greensabereyesforcevictim @cozylibraries @celebrities-imagines @joeldjarin @nezukos-number1fan @abbysgirll @marispunk @hopelessromantic727 @fairyain @sophie-ann25 @ravenn-darkholme

[dragon-snoots-a-boopin]

Warframe...Rant...Update

So, I wanted to make a little bit of an update to my last post which was a very large rant about the video game Warframe. This is because I had a friend spend a few hours with me on the game giving me some pointers and helping me with some missions that I was stuck on like the very last assassination mission on Demios, I was stuck on that for so long because I couldn't do it alone and could never find or drag any groups of randoms there to help me.

Anyway, one of the things that my friend told me about was this thing called bullet jumping. Yes, I am sure that it may sound stupid that I had not picked up on this technique being like 40 hours into the game but, I didn't. What I had been doing up until this point was repeatedly sprinting and then sliding. I didn't even think to add a jump after the slide. So, I practiced that and then I, on my own realized that I could sprint, slide, jump, slide again, jump again and just repeat that to cover even more ground faster so I keep on practicing that and am getting a little better.

Something else that is positive is that I took it upon myself to go out and look at build information. Not only for my Warframe, Excalibur, but also for my Boltor, Seer and Exalted Blade. Now, there really isn't all that much I can do because I don't have the mods that the builds I found and like, at least, not yet. Like, the foundation is there but there is more to go but it's a nudge in the right direction for me.

A little bit of good and not so good here is that I finally got the Archwing built because I finally got some neurodes from the several hours I spent doing Void Fissures and cracking open all my void relics. The not so good is that I now realize that I am not a fan of any of the missions that involve using the Archwing. I especially HATE the rush missions because I just get turned around a lost a little to easily.

I still HATE Hijack missions with a passion so nothing has really changed there. I've not gone back to the Heart of Demios story questline because from what I read, one needs to be MR6 or higher to even have a chance at the double boss thing I am stuck on.

Now, to get more into complaint terrority here. One thing that I find very fucking dumb with Warframe is the over reliance on the microtransaction, specifically geared toward the in game currency of silver. I say this because I recently had this thought of doing a recolor of my Warframe and weapons. I wanted to do a simple black and blue when I realized that...I don't have a basic black. Like, I have a single strip of colors that have like two reds, one orange two blues, some purples, like maybe one green and three whites and that is it. My question is this. WHY IS THERE NO WAY TO EARN NEW COLORS THROUGH FUCKING REGULAR GAMEPLAY???? Before I go into my example, no, Warframe isn't an MMO and yes, I know that. But, the two MMOs I enjoy playing, Guild Wars 2 and The Elder Scrolls Online, not only do they give you a decent amount of dye colors to work with when you start the game, but you can also unlock even more dye colors by doing regular gameplay stuff. Why the fuck are color palettes in Warframe only obtainable by spending 75 silver on them? WHY CAN'T INDIVIDUAL COLORS BE UNLOCKED THROUGH GAMEPLAY!!!! It really would not have been all that complicated for the Warframe developers to have something like this but, no, it's all about getting that money from people buying silver.

The very last thing here is that I don't understand drop rates in this game at all. I spent some time on Cetus doing one specific type of bounty because of the chance for the Gara chassis blueprint to drop. Now, I never got it to drop so I looked on the wiki and it's graph is really confusing to me. Like, there a section of the graph where it said that it would guarantee to drop 88 plus 29 stages and says something about stage 2/A, B and/or C and I have no idea what the hell the A, B & C mean here. Someone else I know said those mean rotations but what the defines when a rotation starts and ends? These bounties only have three individual stages. The first is locating and taking over a drone, the second is to find some caches and the third is to find and defend the vault and that's it. So, where does a rotation start within those individual stages? I have NO idea! I don't think anyone knows, even if they say they know something about drop rates in Warframe. That same person told me that the 88 is the highest amount of times that one can attempt the bounty and not that I'd have to do the bounty 88 times for the thing to be guaranteed to drop. I still don't know or understand the drop rate graph but I think it just comes down to doing the bounty over and over and over and oooooooovvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr until I get that chassis piece. Then, do it all again for the system and neuroptics because I really want to try out and level up a new Warframe.

Also, I've had like one positive interation with randoms since my last post but, I still believe that Warframe's community are a bunch of toxic assholes.

Btw, if anyone that commented on my last post about Warframe that offered up help, my name is Warframe in Bellasar, same as it is here. Feel free to send a friend request, assuming it lets you and there's no technical problems there. If not, let me know on this post your name in Warframe and I'll send you a friend request.

[looselipssinkships-x]

fall out boy lyrics that make me think of the places i grew up

this town is wasted and alone -- death valley -- when i visit, if I'm lucky i get to drive around, and the nothingness is crushing. You go to school, you graduate, if you're upper or middle class you go to college, probably the local one an hour away. You have to drive an hour to get to the good grocery store, twenty minutes to the shitty one. You marry your high school sweetheart, or someone you met in college, you settle down and have kids. You have at least one family member who works for a company you're pretty sure is still just a factory, even though they have fancier names for it now. I look out the window of my parents' house and i can barely see the neighbors' house.

you were the last good thing about this part of town -- grand theft autumn/where is your boy -- i left my best friend in the city i moved from and god i miss her so fucking much. Every time i visit it's like we were never apart. Every time i leave we both wonder if we'd have made it had i not moved away.

i can't remember the good old days -- 27 -- your parents' house is supposed to feel like being a kid, running around carefree. I have not lived with my parents for eight years but every time i visit i wake up with that same chest crushing anxiety and it does not go away. Even when i get back out east it takes me days to feel like a person again.

every pane of glass that your pebbles tap/negates the pains I went through to avoid you/and every little pat on the shoulder for attention/fails to mention I still hate you -- chicago is so two years ago -- i did not visit for almost two years, and then only did so because my grandmother was dying. Had she not been, it would have likely been so much longer. I spent those two years hating that small town, because i thought if i hated it i wouldn't miss it, and it all hurt so much that it wasn't hard to try to hate it. (that didn't work, because even though it hurt, it was still home)

I know I should be home/all the colors of the street signs, they remind me of the/pickup truck out in front of your neighbor's house -- chicago is so two years ago -- it's the little things that get me, the parts that weren't so bad, the parts that were even good, the parts that killed me to leave behind. The first dance class i took out east i sobbed the entire two mile walk home.

whoa, can't do it by myself -- reinventing the wheel to run myself over -- this one gets me because every time everything just feels like too much, it's amplified by the fact that i did this to myself, i chose to move away from everyone and everything i ever knew, and it's therefore my responsibility to indeed, do it by myself

we're the kids who feel like dead ends//and the poets are just kids who didn't make it -- i've got a dark alley and a bad idea that says you should shut your mouth (summer song) -- literally all of my friends from home don't quite fit the midwestern mold, and we're all mentally ill creative types. We're in our mid twenties now and have felt like burn outs for years

I swear I'd burn this city down to show you the light -- sophomore slump or comeback of the year -- the same best friend from earlier. I worry the small town is crushing her and she's so, so bright.

the best way to make it through with hearts and wrists intact is to realize two out of three ain't bad -- i'm like a lawyer with the way i'm always trying to get you off (me & you) -- you make sacrifices to survive. Mental, emotional, physical, everyone's sacrificing something just to make it through.

it's all a game of this or that, now versus then/better off against worse for wear/and you're someone who knows someone who knows someone/I once knew, and I just want to be a part of this -- hum hallelujah -- the duality of living in such a small town where everyone knows everyone and still feeling like you have no place to belong

literally all of g.i.n.a.s.f.s. but especially: everybody wants to drive on through the night if it's a drive back home//things aren't the same anymore, some nights, they get so bad//i sleep with your old shirts and walk through this house//it's a strange way of saying that I know I'm supposed to love you, I'm supposed to love you//I've already given up on myself twice third time is the charm//threw caution to the wind, but I've got a lousy arm -- ioh was my first fob cd, and i listened to it on repeat the summer i spent commuting from my parents house to the hospital in the city to camp until i finally got an apartment. This was also the year i spent coming out to myself, terrified of the future and expectations i knew I'd never meet. I was also in love with one of my best friends and god it hurts so much for your first love to feel so wrong

I will never end up like him/behind my back, I already am -- headfirst slide into cooperstown on a bad bet -- when i first moved to the east coast i swore I'd assimilate and no one would know where i came from, but the second I'd open my mouth it would be "oh what part of the midwest are you from?" Over time I've learned to make peace with the parts of myself that are so unavoidably rural and midwestern, but there were parts i resented for a long time, because it felt like I'd never be free from where i grew up

I don't know where I'm going/but I don't think I'm coming home -- alone together -- i remember driving home from a college course i was taking my senior year of high school and just, dreaming of driving on, starting somewhere new

and in the end/i'll do it all again -- the kids aren't alright -- if things had been different, if i'd grown up differently, i wouldn't be who i am today. Also i almost got these lyrics tattooed on my thigh. Still might tbh

you were the sunshine of my lifetime/what would you trade the pain for?//and I just about snapped, don't look back//what would you trade the pain for? I'm not sure -- love from the other side -- leaving was, and is, so goddamn hard. Every time i visit my best friend, my grandparents, i have to remind myself why i left, and why i can't go back, and so much of that focuses on looking forward because if i look at the past too much i begin to romanticize the pain

scar crossed lovers, forever -- heaven, iowa -- i am so inexplicably, irreversibly bound to the people i grew up with like some sort of fucked up trauma bonding. Out here on the east coast, in the cities, it's just different. Even people who grew up east coast "rural," it's not the same. It's strong with friends from the city i moved from and even stronger with my friend who grew up in the same county.

[walkawaytall]

If you get this, answer w/ three random facts about yourself and send it to the last seven blogs in your notifs. anon or not, doesn’t matter, let’s get to know the person behind the blog!

I one time got to go to a Vance Joy meet-and-greet thing more or less because I attended a concert by myself. He, regretfully, did not fall in love with me in the time span it took for us to exchange two sentences and snap a photo, but it was a fun experience.

I have to go to Vegas soonish for work, so if anyone has tips for Surviving Vegas if You're the Type of Person Who Thinks Nashville is "Just...a Lot" (actual thing I have said about Nashville in my ten-minute-long soapbox about why I hated the three hours I once spent in Nashville), send 'em my way.

I've been a Toastmaster for nearly five years.

[charminggirl512]

hometown story // jax teller x oc

Jax Teller x F!OC (Dolly Dawson)

Warnings: 18+, language, violence, mentions of sexual assault, slight mentions of stalking, mentions of pregnancy/children

Word Count: 3,860

A/N: Long time, no see. Haven't really had the time or motivation to write, but I've been working on this one for some time. Enjoy!!!

"Just one more," He mumbles against my lips, his hands tangled in my hair that I spent an hour doing. 

"Jax, I've gotta get to court," I tell him as I press my lips against his once again. 

"I hate that we can't just do this all day. That we've got other responsibilities," He replies. I finally pull away from him and hand him my helmet. I peck his lips one last time and he groans when I take a step back from him so that he can't pull me back in.

"One day, when we're old and gray, we can spend all day kissing. But, right now, I've gotta go convince a very mean judge that this mom should have full custody of her kids." He smirks when I say old and gray, knowing that despite us only having been together for around five months, we were gonna grow old together. "I'll swing by my office once I finish up, run by your house to pick up that outfit I got for Abel, and meet you at the hospital." 

"I'll see you then, darlin'," He murmurs before using my jacket to pull me back against him for one last kiss. 

"Bye, baby." 

   I successfully convince the judge that the father shouldn't be able to have any type of custody over his three children after he left them alone for three days to go on a drinking binge while the mom was away for work. I was given this case on my first day at the firm I work at and it had been my most challenging one since moving to Charming. I was grateful to be done with it and go see my boys. 

   Abel was born a couple of weeks ago and I've been wrapped around his little finger ever since. I was with Gemma when she discovered Wendy passed out with a needle sticking out of her arm on the kitchen floor of the house that she and Jax used to share. I had spent the first couple of days alone with Gemma and Abel while Jax worked out his anger and decided that he was ready to meet Abel. Even though he wasn't technically mine, I loved Abel like my own and I was excited to raise him with Jax, even if Abel may only ever call me Dolly and not Mommy. 

   Since Jax picked me up from the courthouse yesterday, my car was still in the parking lot so I was able to drive myself to my office to drop off some files. I chat with the receptionist for a minute before opening the door to my beautifully decorated office completely destroyed. The cushions of my couch are sliced open, the pictures of Jax and I smashed on the carpet, and all of my desk drawers are open.

   My heart instantly drops into my stomach. He found me. I don't know how but he found me and he wanted me to know that. I take a second to let my mind spin out of control before I simply just turn around and walk out. I don't think I can handle cleaning that up right now, so the best thing for me to do was avoid doing so. I force myself to make it to my car before I start crying, warm tears sliding down my face as I pound my hands on the steering wheel. 

   I had been able to escape all of the drama and the fear for the past couple of months lost in my whirlwind relationship with Jax. I hadn't thought about why I truly left Georgia because no one had asked me for more information; they all just accepted that I wanted to get out from underneath my parents' thumbs. Nobody wants to think that there's some darker past, they just want to accept what's easy to understand. 

   Once my breathing's under control, I drive to Jax's house. My plan is to go about my day, as usual, talk to Jax at the hospital, and then leave. I can't let the two of them get hurt, or anyone else at the club. My parents were already involved in a complicated way but they were protected by their status. Jax didn't have that same protection here. 

   I run into the house, using the key that he had given me just weeks ago that I was now going to have to give back. I don't pay attention to my surroundings when I walk into the nursery, so it takes me a second to register that it's been destroyed just like my office. I can't hold off the sobs this time. Abel was a baby, just a few weeks old, and he was already being demeaned and disrespected. His room that he hadn't even been able to sleep in yet was destroyed after Gemma had put in all that hard work to make it a home for him. My heart broke for him more than it broke for myself and my decision was further solidified. I manage to find the tiny SAMCRO onesie that I had made by someone at the office in the mess of destroyed furniture and baby toys and run out of the house to drive to the hospital. 

   I walk up to the NICU and see just Gemma in the nursery, Abel wrapped in her arms. I want to hold him one last time before I leave so I walk in. She starts to greet me but stops when she sees my swollen eyes. 

"Sweetheart, what happened," She asks, her voice soft but concerned. 

"Can I just hold Abel," I ask, completely ignoring her question so that I don't start crying again though it doesn't do me much good because the tears start rolling when I look at his tiny face. She stares for a second before handing him to me and I settle into the rocking chair that's next to his incubator. 

"Hi, baby boy. I missed you today. I brought you a present. It's a onesie so that you can match your daddy." His eyes almost seem to light up when I say daddy and a sob breaks in my throat. The door to the NICU opens and I automatically know that it's Jax, but I can't look at him quite yet. 

"Dolly, baby, what's wrong? What happened?" When I don't answer him, he crouches down in front of me, resting one of his hands on my knee just below the hem of my pencil skirt.

"Look, Abel, daddy's here," I tell this innocent baby, ignoring Jax because I just want one last minute with the two of them before I break their hearts. 

"Dolly," Jax says more sternly this time and tilts my chin up so that I have to look into his eyes. "What happened? Did somebody hurt you? You gotta tell me what's wrong so that I can fix it." 

"Oh, Jax, you can't fix this. Nobody can fix this." He looks up at Gemma and she moves to take Abel away from me. I turn away from her. "Just let me hold him for one more second. Please." 

   They both stay silent while I murmur to Abel how much I love him, how much Jax loves him, how he's going to be so smart and kind. I tell him that it's okay to cry sometimes and that he doesn't have to be strong all the time, that it's okay to lean on others. I tell him that he's gonna be so brave because he's already done one of the hardest things we ever have to do in life - survive. I kiss his cheeks, his nose, and finally his forehead before I hand him over to Gemma.

   I let Jax help me stand up and lead me out of the room with a hand on the small of my back. We go out to the deserted waiting room, the sounds of phones ringing and people talking quietly in the background. When we sit down, he pulls me closer and cradles my face in his hands, waiting for me to start talking. 

"I didn't tell you everything about why I moved here. Yes, I was trying to escape my parents but I was also running away from someone else. Before I came here, I was engaged for four years to a man named Chase Wright. He was the Chief of Police in our town and was close friends with my father. My father encouraged me to start dating him during my sophomore year of college despite our fifteen-year age gap. I didn't really love him or even like him all that much, but it was what my father expected me to do, so I did it. He didn't beat me or ever lay a hand on me, but he would neglect me if I made him mad or yell at me if he thought I embarrassed him. Sex was always just about him getting off and he hardly ever gave me any kind of pleasure, telling me that I was selfish if I asked for something more. 

We were about two months away from getting married and I was working from home one day. I couldn't get my laptop to work right, so I was using his desktop in his office even though I wasn't allowed to. I accidentally opened the files on his laptop and found video after video after video of him and other police officers sexually assaulting women they had arrested or that were in the county jail. I have never been so disgusted in my entire life. There had to have been at least two or three hundred videos, Jax. I didn't know what to do, so I loaded them all onto a flash drive and went to the Georgia Bureau of Investigation because it was the only department above him.

He found out and chased me down to my parents' house. He tried to kill me, but my dad was able to scare him off and he went on the run. I couldn't sleep knowing that he could find me again so I packed everything up, found a small town across the country, and moved here, hoping that he wouldn't be able to track me down."

   Jax's hands on my face are practically vibrating with anger. He never interrupted me, but I could tell that there were several times when he wanted to. I knew that he was itching to start making phone calls and start tracking Chase down, but he didn't even know the worst parts yet. 

"When I got back to my office after finishing my case today, it was totally destroyed. I'm guessing he saw the pictures of you and me on my desk and flipped his shit. He was always very possessive of me and would lose it if another man tried to talk to me." I take a deep breath to collect myself and the tears start rolling once again. "He somehow managed to find your house and when I went by to pick up the onesie for Abel, he had trashed the nursery. I'm so sorry, Jax." 

   He stands up and starts pacing around the waiting room. He grabs one of the toys sitting on a table nearby and uses all of his anger to throw it against the wall, leaving a sizeable dent. My guilt makes me so nauseous that I think I'm going to puke but I have to keep talking.

"I'm gonna leave tonight and you'll never have to see me again," I say quietly which stops his pacing.

"What are you talking about?" 

"I'm gonna find somewhere else to go and I'll pack up my things and leave. I already left your house key on the kitchen counter. I'm so sorry that I did this, Jax. I never should have gotten involved with you knowing that he was trying to find me." 

"Dolly, you can't just leave," He tells me, the increased volume telling me that he's close to losing it. 

"I can't stay here and put you at risk! He'll kill me and he'll kill anyone that stands in his way. He has nothing to lose, Jax, nothing. I destroyed his life and now he's going to destroy mine. I won't let you and Abel be collateral," I say back and try to keep my voice even.

"I can protect you! He'll never even get near you, Dolly. You're not leaving."

"You can't protect everyone. You're a father now and Abel needs to be your first priority. He hasn't even been out of this building and someone has already violated him, his safe space. I love you and I love him and that's why I have to walk away."

"Don't say that," He growls at me as he stalks over, pressing our chests together. "Don't you dare say that to me right now." 

"I feel like it's the only way that I'm going to get you to understand why I have to leave." 

"The first time you said that to me was supposed to be when you were happy, not scared. It was supposed to be when we were laughing or you were holding my son or I was making love to you, not when you were telling me that you were leaving me. You don't get to say that to me while you're breaking my heart in two." 

"I needed to say it before I leave," I tell him and bring my hand up to hold his cheek. "You have to let me go."

"No." 

"Baby, please. Go see Abel. Talk to Gemma. Keep going on with your life. It's not going to stop without me."

   Instead of answering me, he kisses me, his tongue tracing his unspoken words onto my own. I savor the feeling of him holding me, lost in my mouth, telling me a million things with just one simple action. I let myself have this last moment as Jax and Dolly before I lose him forever, before I lose a piece of my soul. 

"You are my everything, Dolly Dawson. Come back to me, please just come back to me," He pleads and I nearly break at the sight of tears filling his eyes. I kiss him one last time and then I walk away. I don't look back.

   My house feels empty, emptier than it has ever felt. We didn't spend much time here, but as I look around, all I see is him. I see him in the pictures that he helped me hang up. I see him in the blue paint of my living room where we spent an entire weekend listening to music and painting. I see him in my bedroom, waiting to surprise me after work with a bouquet of flowers. 

   Suddenly, I don't see him anymore. All I can see is Chase standing by my nightstand with a pistol in his hand. I accept then that this is the end; the end of the running, the hiding, the fighting. I look into his eyes so that he can see that there is no fear in mine. I've accepted my death and now he just needs to follow through with it. 

"You've been quite difficult to hunt down, Dolly." His voice is cold, unfeeling. 

"Obviously not if you're here," I reply and the tick of his jaw is something that I'm familiar with. 

"I've had a lot of time to think about what you did these last couple of months." He won't fight with me about my sass, not right now. 

"What I did? What about what you did? You hurt hundreds of innocent women and you would've gotten away with it. I'm sorry that you're actually facing consequences for once in your privileged little life, but I will never apologize for protecting women from a predator like you." 

   That strikes a cord and he slams me against my bedroom wall with his hand wrapped around my throat. He's itching to do more, but he's not quite done with his dramatic villain monologue so he keeps me pressed there, his face just inches from mine. 

"You don't get to fucking talk about privilege. Your daddy is the only reason that you got away with half the shit that you've done. Don't act all high and mighty when you're just as well protected as I am. Well, I don't think your daddy would be too willing to protect you now if he knew that you've become a biker slut." 

"You shut your fucking mouth," I hiss at him. "You don't know shit about me or my life now." 

"I know that you spread your legs for the first man that looked your way the second you got into this town. I know that you feel no shame about being white trash now. I know that you're knocked up with his demon spawn. I could've protected you from all that shit, Dolly, if you had just kept your fucking bitch mouth shut." 

   I have no idea what he is talking about. Jax and I hadn't even entertained the idea of children yet, not with Abel just being born. That's when I realize that he doesn't know that Abel exists. He thinks that the nursery at Jax's is for our unborn child that doesn't exist. I feel relief until I hear the sound of a bike outside the house, and I know that things are about to get much worse.

"Dolly, you're not leaving," Jax yells as he enters the house. At the sound of his voice, Chase spins me so that my back is pressed against his chest and his gun is pointed at my stomach with his arm wrapped across my chest. I close my eyes when Jax's footsteps enter my bedroom.

"Put the gun away," Chase shouts at Jax, pushing the tip of his gun into my stomach. 

"Let her go, man. You don't have to do this." Jax, always trying to help people, even when he knows that they can't be helped. 

"She ruined my life. The only way this ends is with her dead."

"Jax, please just go. Please," I beg. I don't want him to see this and have to live with it for the rest of his life. 

"I'm not leaving without you," He replies, his eyes never leaving Chase's face. 

   Jax raises his gun and points it at Chase. I close my eyes, afraid of what I'm going to see. A shot rings out, quickly followed by another. I feel Jax's arms wrapped around me before I feel the pain of the bullet embedded in my stomach. The thud of Chase's body falling makes me open my eyes and gasp out at the pain. 

"You're okay, baby. You're okay. Breathe, just breathe," Jax instructs, the panic in his voice doing nothing to calm either of us. 

"I don't wanna die," I whimper as he tries to put pressure on my stomach. 

"You're not gonna die, Dolly. I'm not letting you die, okay, darlin'? I've gotta love you a whole lot more before I let you die," He cries, and the tears in his eyes tell me that it's worse than he's trying to let on. "Chibs! Chibs!"

   I'm so thrown off that Jax is calling for the Scotsman right now that I don't notice the sound of the front door slamming open again and Chibs and Tig running in, Opie not far behind. Chibs drops down next to me and starts giving everyone instructions, telling Tig to call an ambulance and Opie to get some towels. 

"What were you going to do, kidnap me if I told you I wasn't staying? I really don't think it would take three of them to take me out," I tell Jax and he seems surprised that I would be joking about something right now.

"Wasn't going to lose you and I'm still not going to," He answers, brushing my hair back and wiping away tears that I didn't feel fall. 

"Is Abel okay? Turns out Chase didn't know about him, but I still wanna make sure he's okay."

"He's just fine, babe. Gemma's with him. Stop worrying about everyone else right now," He orders. Chibs moves Jax's hands away from my stomach and puts even more pressure on the wound than Jax was. I throw my head back at the pain and can't hold in the small scream I let out.

"He thought I was pregnant," I gasp out to distract myself from the pain. "Chase thought the nursery was for our baby, not Abel."

"Abel is our baby. You've been his mom since he was born, Dolly, and you're gonna be his mom for the rest of his life," He tells me sternly. Any other time and I probably would have melted at what he was saying, but I'm distracted by the sounds of sirens. 

   Everything becomes a blur after that. There seem to be a million paramedics in the house and they keep trying to push Jax away from me, which just makes him upset which makes me upset which makes me bleed more. It seems like it's going to be an endless cycle until they finally decide that Jax is not leaving me alone and work around him. He climbs into the back of the ambulance with me, never letting go of my hand. I finally pass out from all of the blood loss, and the darkness is like a warm hug. 

   When I wake up, the lights in the room are dim and it's freezing in the room. Jax is asleep in the chair next to my bed, his hand clasped loosely in my own and the sounds of his light snores echo throughout the room. I gently slide my hand out from his and attempt to stand up to grab his hoodie that's sitting on the chair at the end of my bed, except I almost fall over and loudly grab onto the rolling table by my bed. Jax jerks awake, his arms flailing when he doesn't feel my hand in his own. 

"I'm here. I'm fine, I'm fine. I was just trying to grab that hoodie but didn't realize that my balance isn't super good," I reassure him as I sit back down on the bed, blinking away the little black dots that seem to cover most of my vision. 

"Darlin', you don't need to be moving. You could bust a stitch or fall and hurt yourself. Lay back down and let me get it for you." Despite my distaste for being ordered around, I listen to him and try to hide my sigh of relief. He's gentle as he pulls the hoodie over my head and pulls my hair out from where it gets stuck. I lean into his hand as he slides it onto my cheek, his thumb rubbing little circles. 

"I love you," I whisper, turning to kiss his palm. 

"I love you, too, darlin'. So much," He whispers back. "Thought of losing you almost killed me. You're everything, baby, everything and so much more. Don't try and leave me again." 

"I promise. Never gonna leave you, long as you don't leave me first.

[kenobster]

3, 18 and 29 please <3333

From AO3 Wrapped [Writers' Edition]

Thank you for the ask, anon! ^_^

#3. What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)?

I hate to be a cliche of myself again, but Five Peggats Each. (And this includes all things I've ever written in my life actually :D). There's a few reasons for it, I think. One, it's like HUGELY within my comfort zone. The limited setting, the noncon, the tropes of the characters themselves. This is the type of story I have the most practice with, so it naturally comes easier and in better quality I think? Two, how, despite it being a comfort zone, I've used this fic as kind of a sandbox to experiment a lot of different writing techniques. For example, this is the most POVs I've ever written in a single fandom, let alone a single story (which usually stays around 1-2). For other examples, like, I've tried to be really mindful about metaphors/prose and how they can twist reality (like that time I spent like 8 hours researching in-universe Star Wars bands & instruments just so I could write one paragraph lmao)... or even how I recently tried to use second person POV to give the reader the same disassociation/discomfort/dysphoria that Anakin was feeling after regaining use of the Force. These experiments were all really hard to pull off, and I'm proud of myself for attempting them. And three, how I've allowed 5PE to be a project that can take as long as I want it to take to finish, so long as I do finish it. So on one hand, it's been a really good exercise in self-discipline & practice in maintaining my passion for the story, despite the constant barrage of shiny new plot bunnies. And on the other hand, the lack of a time pressure allows me to really spend time on the quality of every single line (excepting human mistakes & typos of course lmfao), while also not letting that perfectionism stand in the way of progress. It's really helped me become more confident in storycrafting from beginning to end, in a way I've never really felt in my old fandom or writing. On top of all that, it's the only fic that I can actually read after posting updates without feeling like it's exfoliating my entire body to do so lol. I actually enjoy reading it sometimes. So that's nice.

#18. The character that gave you the most trouble writing this year?

Answered here. :)

#29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year

Really hard one omg. If I have to choose something I've already posted on ao3, then it'd probably be one of these three: (1) in Five Peggats Each, the passage I also described above regarding Anakin's fever as it relates to the jizz band & cantina in chapter 6; the passage I put in the fic summary for Every Shadow, but the full version of it as written in chapter 2, not the abridged version in the summary; and (3) the opening paragraph of What Dead Things See.

But but but imo -trembles with excitement (I've been dying to show this, folks, what a good opportunity)- none of those passages even hold a candle to this thing that poured out of my brain one sleepless night at 2am for some unposted/unfinished oneshot:

For a moment, when he was nine years old, Anakin thought himself to be a whore. In an effort to scrub the slave out of him, the temple healers had pumped him full of vaccines and medications and water and food. He'd been lying on a brand new bed in a brand new room and counting the speeders whose lights flashed across the wall. That's when the memory burned. If they want you for your strength, his anma said, then they won't squander a second of it. Your back will ache and your feet will throb before the very first sunset. But Anakin's back wasn't aching and his feet didn’t throb. If they want you for your mind, they'll test your skills and put you to work, and they'd tested him, yes, but not his ability to steer the yoke of a podracer at the drop of a pin, nor his ability to disassemble and reassemble any gadget known to sentient life. They'd only studied the gaps in his knowledge and he'd had none of the answers and he'd seen the pity in their gazes. And if they feed you, said his anma, if they let you rest in a bed and say they'll take care of you, then the first chance you get, you must run. As fast as you can, as hard as you can, even if they activate your bomb. Because some fates, my love, are worse than death. You must always be wise enough to know that.  And Anakin, well fed and well rested, hadn't wanted to run fast or run hard or detonate his bomb. Anakin hadn't wanted to escape this new place that sang of plenty and of love and of home. So he pushed himself to his feet and stumbled through the darkened shared quarters until he found his new master's bed. Clammy, feverish, and half-asleep, Anakin crawled under the covers and felt around for his master's trousers. Obi-Wan awoke in an instant.  That night, they found no rest at all—rather, hours of conversation while Anakin shivered on the couch huddled in afghans and quilts and comforters and tried to explain that, yes, he knew he was free and he knew he was safe and he knew all he had to say was a word and he'd be taken wherever else he wanted by whomever else he wanted and that, no, Obi-Wan had never said or done anything to suggest such a thing was wanted and that if he ever did going forward, Anakin would tell him straight away, and that, yes, he understood the difference between a master and a Master and that, no, he didn't need to use a different word—because Obi-Wan didn't yet know that there are some things you learn with your mind but other things you learn with your body, and that there's no actual function in the branding of a slave because the brand is already burnt into a slave's mind, as crisply and as permanently, as a molten pattern pressed to flesh. As he kneels before his Master, Anakin decides that Palpatine would have liked the gift of a nine-year-old groping beneath the bed sheets better. It would have saved them all a lot of time.

I will finish this one day... Have about 3 scenes written, and just need to write 1.5 scenes more. But the above part stands pretty well on its own so hopefully you all enjoyed! ^_^

[firstdivisiongirl]

HiI! I'd like to request a matchup for my perfect match in Tokyo Revengers

I go by she/her and my MBTI type is ISFJ (might be incorrect)

I love to read, write fiction stories, and draw. I read a variety of genres, one of those being Fantasy, romance, mystery, horror, and adventure.

I hate getting touched by people but at the same time I crave it. I suffer from Germophobia, which is an extreme fear of germs/dirty stuff. I only allow people I trust and have spent a long time with to touch me otherwise I'd feel uncomfortable and annoyed. (Last time that happened I had a panic attack and cleaned my whole room.)

I am a very loyal and caring person towards my loved ones. I would go out of my way to do everything for them such as giving them a story I wrote or something I drew for them. However I am easily angered. I hate people who lack empathy for others, when people make assumptions about me, and when people are just straight up stupid.

I spent hours inside the world in my head. I like to imagine scenarios of my original characters and their very own world.

I'm very anxious. One thing would easily worry me and it could either get worse or better. It's pretty bad. I've cried for a whole week because of it. I need to constantly be reassured.

Speaking of crying, I tend to cry by myself and quietly in my room. I hate it when my family finds out about it and I always act like I was fine when they come to my room.

I'm scared of being abandoned by my loved ones. I always worry that one day my best friend will leave me and I wish I could have more friends.

I keep my problems to myself. Not once have I ever told a single person in my life about what I'm going through because I don't want to burden them and I just don't know how to open up in general.

I'm pretty harsh on myself. I would always sulk whenever I couldn't bring myself to study or do something productive. I feel disappointed in myself and a failure to my parents.

I'm hesitant to eat out of fear of worsening my health. Whenever I eat a large portion of food, I would always regret it and avoid eating so much or eating nothing at all.

Based on fashion style, I don't know. I just wear whatever is available but I so desperately wish I could wear a more Gothic style or Coquette. I love pretty pink colors but also dark colors. I wear modest clothes. Anything tight or revealing makes me uncomfortable.

When it comes to music, I LOVE The Neighborhood, Lana Del Rey, Melanie Martinez, Isabel Larosa, and Lady Gaga.

I also HATE summer. I hate the heat, sweating makes me more annoyed than usual.

I'm a morning person but I cannot sleep consistently. My sleep schedule always gets messed up after 3 days.

I would love to go out with someone I know to explore abandoned/haunted buildings. I've never done that but I would not turn down the opportunity when given.

I love the rain, especially when it's quiet and empty whenever I'm at. I just love a gloomy/creepy atmosphere.

I think that's all there is to me. I would put more but it goes against my privacy. 😭

I would prefer a male character, thanks! ❤

Hey hey hey. Let’s get you a match. I hope you like it.

You Got…

Ryusei Satou!!!

Loves a good haunted place! Will take you to haunted places for dates.

Feel like you two have similar taste in music

He would support you and tell you that you are perfect no matter how bad you feel.

He is extremely loyal. You would never have to worry about him ever leaving you

Would respect your disliking of germs. He wouldn’t touch you if you didn’t want him too

I think he would enjoy you reading to him white he naps. It would make him happy to hear your voice as he dreams

[kittynomsdeplume]

Writer Tag Game

Thanks for the tag @morganlefaye79 and @thedastrash.

Do you write in order?

For one-shots, I usually do. Beyond quickly noting down one or two sentences that might have already formed as I was thinking about a concept/prompt.

I hate it though, this compulsion I have to write linearly and I've been working to try and break the habit. To allow myself to skip over parts i'm having trouble with and come back to them later.

For multi-chapters fics though, I might have random bits and pieces in each chapter written if there is a set piece that I know is going specifically into that chapter.

Do you start with something in particular?

The beginning!

Generally when I'm starting, I might only have a vague idea of what the overall piece is going to be. I might know the beats I want to hit, but not exactly how I'm going to depict them.

Sometimes I might have just a very vivid moment, something I want to show, or even some lines of dialogue that the whole piece evolves from, so they might get put down first, but then I need to go back and think, well, how did they get here? And that's usually the point where the seeds are lain for a very simple concept to blow out into a 10K word fic 😑

How fully formed does your writing come out on the first try?

I would say it's fairly well formed. Another bad habit I have, where I struggle to move on if each sentence doesn't sound quite right. Eventually I get frustrated enough to carry on, usually. I am getting better at just letting go and keeping the momentum going, but it's ridiculous how easily I fall into old habits.

I'm always annoyed at myself too when I realise I've been sitting agonising over something for thirty minutes, and every time I'm like, 'Oh, you should just move on!'. It always seems like this novel thought too, like I've never considered the possibility before.

I feel like all the sensible things I've learned over years of writing, just completely disappear from my head when I'm deep in the midst of writing.

How many drafts do you go through?

Pssh, I really have no idea. I have a tendency (and it's probably a bad one), to write a bunch of stuff and then come up for air. At that point, I sit back, go back to the start and read everything over, editing it as I go.

I also do this frequently when I'm really stumped and can't figure out how to move the story forward.

So depending on the length of the story, and how much trouble I had getting it all down, I might have been over it five times, or fifty times before its done.

The one benefit to this though is that, when I am finishing up the end, or the last tricky passage that I was struggling with, I know that the rest of the fic is probably pretty solid by that point. It's a nice relief to know that I can just publish the story and finally forget about it 😆

Tell me about your process?

Pretty simple to be honest. Have obsessive thought - furiously type obsessive thought into document. Then spend days, or a month in abject agony, trying to build a coherent narrative around that thought.

Sometimes I'll be reading shit posts from fandoms I don't even know anything about, and I'll have a thought like, 'Oh that's such a blorbo vibe.'

Truly though, so many of my fics begin with a thought like, 'Wouldn't it be funny...' and I imagine some truly bonkers, crack nonsense. So then I start writing it, cackling with glee, and somewhere along the way I think, 'Wouldn't this be better if they were suffering?'.

I also spend an absurd and probably unnecessary amount of time researching all manner of things. Again, I'm always annoyed with myself at the end of this process too, because its hours and hours of deep-diving on some topic, which ends up being like three words in the final fic 😅 Or even worse, all that time spent and then I go, 'Ahhh, ya know, I changed my mind, I'm not even gonna mention this particular thing in any event.'

No-one really needs to know the type of flora that grows at a specific altitude, in mountainous regions, during a certain period of the year and in a particular hemisphere/geographic location - IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR SMUT FIC KITTY! 🫣

Researching other people OC's however, is never a waste of time. I need to absorb their essence before I can even contemplate writing them. Otherwise I just get extreme anxiety and can't write anything at all.

As to the nitty gritty, I am 100% a pantser. I don't really do outlines or anything. I have the concept in my head and I just sit down and start writing it. The only notes I would make are if there is very specific plot points, or details I need to remember. Say like the age of a character, or the time of year its set, or something significant about a location etc. Sometimes, dialogue for a later scene has formed perfectly in my head and I don't want to risk forgetting exactly how it went, so that gets noted down.

Beyond that, I don't always know exactly how a story is going to play out, I just feel it out as I go.

I actually sat down and outlined a whole long-fic once, and by the time I was done, I no longer had any compulsion to write it. Knowing what was going to happen sort of robbed me of the excitement of discovery so... I try to avoid over-planning fics now because I don't want that to happen again 😅

Tagging: @sidhelives | @charlatron | @noire-pandora | @rosella-writes | @dreadfutures | @isk4649 | @queenaeducan | @cleverblackcat | @pikapeppa | @charmcity-jess

[yourlocalmultifandom]

Part 1

VILLES POV

"Yeah" I nod into the phone, looking out of the window of the tour bus. I'd been all over America, but there was just one place I wanted to be, and in less than a whole day, I'd be there again. "I'll be there in the morning"

"Cool, I'll have everything ready when you get here" Bam agrees.

"Great, great. Okay, I'll talk to you then"

"Later" he says before the phone clicks.

I look up, watching Mige sit on the opposite side of the table and smile at me. The cheesy grin was enough, but when he happily intertwined his fingers on the tabletop, I narrow my eyes, knowing he's definitely up to something.

"What?" I stare.

"I'm going to hate not being able to speak to you the entire time we're there" he dramatically sighs.

"Why can't you?"

"Because you'll be a drooling puppy dog all over again, don't act like I can't see the way you cream your pants every time she's around"

"Surely you're not talking about me"

"I am. You and little miss Margera"

"Aprils a lovely woman, but she's married"

"Don't play dumb, Ville. You know I'm talking about Danni"

The very name struck a special string in my heart. I look at my hand, trying my best to hide any emotion that hits me. Bams twin sister, the vixen that ran away with my heart.

"She's off at college" I nearly whisper.

"No she isn't. Bam said she dropped out to do that CKY thing" a coy smirk dancing on his face.

"No she didn't" I stare, my heart skipping a beat.

"Oh yeah she did. Bam picked her up like three days ago, so she'll be all nice and ready to rock when you arrive"

"She's a friend"

"That you lose all dignity over" he smirks.

He's not wrong, I started thinking about her long dark hair, pale skin, those icy blue eyes...that damn smile. I find myself writing about her a lot, and I'll be the first to admit that Danni is a very beautiful girl, but I highly doubt I'd ever be her type. Even if I did have a chance, she's got this on and off thing with one of the guys from CKY, the band her brother, Jess, is in. Her little fling still doesn't stop me from devoting everything I have to her every chance I get, though. I was really hoping she wouldn't be there this time, I'm worried Bam will notice my admiration for her someday. He's bound to find out if I'm around her long. Those two are thick as thieves, being twins wasn't just in their looks either, I swear they could finish each other's very thoughts. I'd never have guessed anyone could match his energy the way she does.. The very first time I ever met her, Bam had brought her along to one of my shows, and I was instantly mesmerized. She was the first person to ever convince me to get on a skateboard, and the only girl I know that can drink as much as me. My mind starts trailing off, thinking about all of the time we've spent together during our friendship.

"Hello? Ville" Mige says, ripping me from my thoughts.

"Huh?" I stare.

"Exactly what I thought" he smiles. "Get some rest, you'll be struggling to breathe normal in a few hours"

"Right" I nod, realizing there was only about four hours before I see her.

I stand up, making my way to my bed and trying to mentally prepare myself for dealing with that beloved family of lunatics, I laugh at how I used to think Bam was crazy...then I met his sister. I lay in bed and think about all the memories I had with my favorite twins, remembering all the crazy shit they do on a regular basis. I sigh, trying to shut my brain off and get some rest, unfortunately, my brain is now infiltrated by one Danni Margera. I sigh, tossing and turning, haunted by her smile, her laugh, her touch. The three years I've spent being her friend has driven me insane, and now I'll be faced with her again, just praying that I don't accidentally let my love for her show. Maybe I'm recalling things through rose-tinted glasses, perhaps I'll get there and have entirely different emotions.

[lulamadison]

🧐🤩 (for the ask game)

Thank you so much for the ask! I've had a few drinks so prepare for rambling 😉

🧐 Do you spend much time researching for your stories?

Oh man... I do SO much research, a lot of it that never even makes the page except in the vaguest ways. Apart from the usual "What happens if someone gets an untreated open fracture in the woods / head injury / shot in the arm?" type questions for whump fics I look up some of the most ridiculous things.

I'll post a couple of examples by fic...

Abnormal Biology

I wanted the scents Daniel and Johnny had to be "realistic" so I spent so much time googling the individual chemical components of male and female wolf pee 🤣

When I found a chemical marker I then attempted to find some other thing that chemical was in, which was why Daniel smelled of ripe tomatoes and Johnny smelled of citrus.

North

I felt SO bad about giving Johnny all these injuries that likely would have bankrupted him, that I spent WEEKS researching whether Daniel literally just could say "You work for LaRusso Auto two hours a week, so now you have health insurance."

The second I finished my weeks of research I read another fic where someone basically did the same thing and went "I put you on the LaRusso Auto health insurance" and I didn't even question whether it was realistic or not 🤣 So I ended up just covering it in about two sentences after WEEKS of reading employment law

🤩 Who is your favorite character to write?

I always think of myself as a comedy writer, so I love writing characters who are funny or sarcastic. I just LOVE writing dialogue and HATE writing everything in between lol, so feel I do better with characters who say the funny stuff.

Before I started writing Cobra Kai fic I loved writing Loki and Tony Stark MCU fic, and now I love writing Johnny. He's just the perfect combination of funny and angsty. I love him so much 😘

[night-city-valentines]

It's the end of the Year, and I played a lot of games, here's my Top 5!

5 - Saints Row (2022)

I grew up with Saints Row The Third, and after SRIV kinda killed the series, I was a little bummed. This new reboot of the series is a return to form. Yes, it has been scaled back considerably from the insanity of the last two entries, but I see that as a given - its a reboot, they're testing the waters to see if there's still an interest in the franchise. For me, there absolutely is. Hopefully we see more Saints Row games soon.

4 - Cult of the Lamb

An incredibly charming and captivating game, Cult of the Lamb combines a management sim with a roguelike dungeon crawler, and it works perfectly. The artsyle is cute, which contrasts perfectly with the Lovecraftian abominations you encounter.

3 - Fortnite

Yeah, yeah, I know. Fortnite didn't come out this year, BUT this was the first time I properly got into it, after the addition of the Zero Build mode. Removing building means that you can pick it up and play a lot more casually - no more skyscrapers appearing when you take a single shot at an opponent. Super fun, and if you've never played Fornite before because you don't want to worry about being behind on building, its worth giving it a go.

2 - Lego Star Wars: The Skywalker Saga

Another series from my childhood with a banger entry this year, TSS let's you play through the stories of all 9 main Star Wars films. The gameplay is almost completely reinvented for this entry, and with the ability to explore planets, do side quests, and invest in skill trees for the different character types, it feels more like a Lego RPG than anything else.

Before my number 1, let's see some Honorable Mentions:

- Metal Hellsinger

A rhythm-FPS set in Hell with a heavy metal soundtrack, Hellsigner is incredible. What makes it a mention rather than a top 5 is the length. I wish it was longer, but as all the songs feature actual metal vocalists, I understand why the game is the length it is. Still! Hope to see Hellsinger 2 at some point!

- Pokémon Violet

Ah, Pokémon...you tried, ill say that. Violet is a testament against yearly releases and crunch, and its sad. It could have been so much better if Game Freak's devs had another year or so to work on the game, but alas. The loop of catching Pokémon is as fun as ever, if not more so with the lack of random grass encounters, and the story is actually pretty good. What lets it down for me is the overall lack of polish, and the fact that it feels like SUCH a Downgrade from Sword/Shield

- Final Fantasy XIV

I've never been one for MMOs, but when my boyfriend let me play on his account for a while, I was hooked. Truly the only reason this isn't higher is because I haven't put all that much time into it. But I WILL!

- Need For Speed Unbound

Sneaking in at the end of the year, NFS Unbound is tons of fun for a racer. I wouldn't go as far as to call myself a racing game fan, but I WOULD say that I love this game. Like FFXIV the only thing keeping this game down is the time I've spent with it - I only played the free trial of it, but if I end up getting the full version at some point I know I'll sink hours and hours into it.

Finally, my Number One Game of 2022 is...

ELDEN RING

I...hated Soulsborne games. I really did. I found them too challenging, too overwhelming. Then my boyfriend bought me Elden Ring. I figured, hey, I'll try it out.

Now I love Soulsbornes.

Elden Ring is the combined genius of Hidetaka Miyazaki and George R. R. Martin, coupled with Fromsoft's trademark combat system.

I have put over 200 hours into Elden Ring. I've completed the story twice. I've made 4 characters, and I STILL don't think I've found everything this game has to offer. Hell, I recently bought the strategy guides for it (which, by the way, requires two volumes to cover all of the content in Elden Ring).

If you like fantasy - try Elden Ring. If you like challenging combat- try Elden Ring. If you like exploring a beautiful world with a complex story - try Elden Ring. It won GOTY at the Game Awards for a reason.

[the-tara-perspective]

Hey Tumblr it's Tara.

Before I start I'm sorry for a late update, I was gonna skip today(as of writing)as I was a bit busy but something came up and I need to process it.

It's going to be more... Melancholy.

For backstory, I have(had?) This friend called Melanie since the first grade, she was so fun and imaginative and I love her dearly. I've loved her for a long time and one day as it was about to explode she told me she had a boyfriend. I accepted it and we moved on with life and together grew a group of her boyfriend and her friend, Sarah. I always had a strong opinion on Sarah but pushed it aside. One day Melanie told me that Sarah liked me, I felt sick but accepted it. I found her clingy and unbearable so I broke up with her after two days (I know.) We stopped hanging out until two years later. Because I felt pity for the shell of a girl I saw in the seat behind me. So I asked her to be my friend, and she told me everything. Melanie, after breaking up with her boyfriend, leaned on to Sarah and they dated. I felt sick. When seeing them interact I only saw Sarah talk. Sarah glowed by the minute while Melanie was a walking corpse. I tried to tell her to break it off but Sarah had been saying horrible stuff, trying to manipulate her and constantly breaking up then running back to her. Around March of that year she broke it off and Sarah left my old group gradually. I was happy but she wasn't as much as I imagined. She was quiet while I talked an reminisced about our childhood. I was blind to the downward road she was on and I'm sorry. The year before, Polly had moved away to a different part of the state but came back almost instantaneously after Melanie and Sarah broke up. And Polly was quite drawn to Melanie. Melanie told me about the things she did and I was mortified. I wanted the best for us so the next year I found us a new group, my current friends. Melanie was still in the grasps of Polly, so it was hard for us to see each other . But Melanie met someone and I was overjoyed. Melanie's new partner, Ellie, was unfortunately not well. They were devoted to each other in a way I couldn't describe. But Ellie hated living and she tried to not live,twice. I was there for Melanie, terrified about losing two friends, but I realized I couldn't do anything to help, she doesn't want it and she will refuse it. They broke up. I was happy. But my eyes have drifted. As much as I have devoted myself to my ex friends and Melanie, I neglected the ever growing social norms and my current friend let me blossom into a presentable person (almost). Melanie left school. Blocked most people. Spent hours online. Talked to me less and less. I thought she was doing better. But as I checked her Instagram Stories on a whim tonight, she had tried to do an act to take her away from the world. From what I know she didn't go through with it but I'm scared. I would be a fraud to admit I don't still love her, she'll have a place in my heart always. But I can't love her if she's always trying to move to the back of my mind. I can't love her if very word she types has some hidden comment about how she's fallen off a mountain and we both don't know who she'll fall of when. I want to help her but I can't climb back down and try to catch her or fall down with her.

TTYL, Tara.

9/6/24-9/7/24

[exozero]

An incredible comfort has been given to me. My shoulder was injured, and I can't climb anymore. I can't reach upwards or lift much with it now, and it was about a month of tenderness, where I went bouldering and was simply careful, that I risked it each day. One day, just raising my arm high enough 4 hours into a session, I was electrified, put my arm down slowly, and left the gym. That was about a week ago, and I've had it in a sling since.

Many people have come out of the woodwork to tell me to have it checked by a doctor, friends who knew how completely destroyed I was by my breakup but said almost nothing to me, now sending me long messages, spamming me to take care of myself. It's odd.

She had an emergency delay her moving out by a few more days, so we chat, laugh, usually sleep separately, cry together (sometimes, when it gets dark), and try and keep apart most of the day, not have too good a time. Sleeping together has been nice, like if open-casket mourning meant you could curl up beside and apologize the ways you know she wouldn't want to hear. I wait hours until she's deep enough, still enough to move. Sometimes I think she's out, but–

We cry a lot less now. Dry all day today. We talked and I think she understands. She might never forgive me, or trust me, not even when I was forced to push her away, even if she gets now why I was right. She doesn't get that she has the luxury of removing the blinders after the fact to find a larger hope around her. I still wore them when I made the decision, and gambled my soul with my teeth grit because I hated how little she'd drawn, how few steps she'd taken towards her future. To her I'll always be... greedy? Not quite enough? She's right, of course, but she'll never acknowledge that all she had to do was whimper. She had the same information I did, I just didn't have it in me to hide from her. She knew it all from the start – and I didn't know people could lie like she lied, about the most obvious horrors and thoughts and scars, so that to push back is to threaten a tenuous balance she'll never permit an acknowledgment of without a month of locked doors and shower-sobs, new cuts and averted eyes.

There are things I'm better at, now. Lying, for one. I had learned silence as a kid, that to open your mouth when you're feeling something means to lose control of the source of the feeling. But lying is new to me. It became about survival, mostly hers, but I needed time to breathe. Eventually I realized she wanted those lies but would stop me, beg me to be open and honest and then punish herself for it later behind a locked bathroom door. All she did was beg me to lie to her better.

I wish I'd been sick of her, and had had better lies to tell. Mine were sad, meaningful but small, scared little things. How do you tell the truth knowing it means she'll hurt herself? Better for me to hate myself. "My turn to play martyr." So stupid. There were better people out there for us both, we met them, spent time with them, and pushed them away through her fear of being without me and my fear of not ever becoming the type of person someone like her, like so many of the incredible people I've met, could love. I regretted an entire decade of my formative years spent in that silence. What's a year, two, three years more?

I'm also better at letting things go. I put her to bed after her scary night and woke up to hopeful hips inching back. After I moved my hips away the third time she stopped trying. Nothing changed, except this morning she did not make me coffee, thank god, but also fixed the blanket over me before going to work. Care without pressure. Finally. It's an ancient irony, knowing the greatest version of the person you love is only possible by ensuring nothing but distance grows between you, the fodder of your shared life fertilizer for the creature you would have loved to love someday.

Despite all that, the knowledge we might have grown now beautifully had I chosen for us another route–? What is there to regret? Lessons learned the hard way. She'll never know about my scars. Her razor is large and she doesn't care for her wounds, she barely would let me dab aquaphor on her each night.

Mine are hidden. Not cries for help but small, thin, long, and soon to be moisturized bouts for centrality, to know I am focused within a moment in time to execute something so delicate so perfectly. And now she goes, and I consider continuing. For what? For fleeting peace? I never got that anyways. I was rarely overcome when I would take up the knife. Is that control? I know less and less.

I've been seeing some brilliant women, strong, funny, and I wonder what they think when they see my body. They're older, usually, by career or age or both, and I've noticed the same pattern looping. They see me reading in a public place, and approach me immediately and buy me a drink. They approach, always, with subtle signifiers of dominance, confidence, but false-backed, like the Moscow Gentleman's closet. Less whimsical. Maybe looking this close to tears for this long has its advantages. Their dominance could be something I could appreciate, these days. A caring, firm hand, one wrapped around me, the other on the back of my head. Oh well.

My most common dream is just eating pussy. Nothing much else happens.

Back in this reality the women, after a few drinks, begin to hang on me, gauging distance when they think I'm not looking, hands on hips in dresses and eyelashes peered through. It's fun, if not tiring at times. We bump into an old friend of mine without fail (it's getting spooky), and I seem known. I tell them the truth: I haven't seen that person in half a decade, since I confessed to almost killing myself at their house party. They find it charming. I wonder why anyone talks at all.

I let them take me home, these truly splendid people, after a night or three, and have disappointed each in the same way. Without fail they all thought that when I expressed my fervent desire for them to simply lay back, I was being... usefully deceptive. Then they realize I was serious, that that's all I wanted. After ten minutes, an hour if I'm lucky, they laugh and pull me up their bodies again and ask me what I want– what I want– what I want. I can't help but be honest, tell them they interrupted me. They laugh and do what they do, push me over and try to take care of me. It's not that I'm not having fun, or that I'm trying to eat pussy to cure my depression, though that has worked in the past, but that what they want from me is a firm hand around their throat. They want me to fuck them and forget about what they want, which I get and I do, of course, also love. They want to feel they own me in pleasure the same way I insisted on owning them. Obviously enjoyable. Just not where my head is at. I tell them and they

I've done all this before, years ago, and gone through with their desires in that way. It's an surreal feeling to be an ambivalent kink dispenser, open-palm slapping someone while wondering if the deli across the street will be closed after this session. Odder still to feel yourself get hard, get horny, to see her pathetic whines for attention become groans of delight as you let loose, saying the words you knew she'd only dreampt, the taunts and compliments all mixed together to make the girl who doesn't care about me suddenly flip a switch. That's the oddest time, then. The next few weeks, months of texts. Compliments and sexting. All great fun. Rewards for the best sex of her whatever, but I could barely feel my cock even as she came around me. Few years later an inquiring text, the relationship didn't work out. I guess we've all been there.

The issue is I'm never sick of anyone. I'm refreshed and energized by their intricacies. I love learning patterns, how they move, why they laugh, what makes them squirm and blush, or lose control. It's okay they don't, and it's hard not to see it from their end, how many shitty men have fumbled over their bodies, the performances they've learned to give. It's hard to ask a stranger to be special. Not quite fair of me.

The crickets I'm the tree outside my windkw remind me of Connecticut, my mindless childhood spent with colonial homes and oaken window frames. It smells of a dead weight I'll never shake, sweet and sickly. When I scraped my knee I'd suck the cut, but my blood doesn't so good anymore. I've soured. Turned.

Oh well.

I'm tired, and the woods are lovely, dark and deep. I'm tired, and the snowflakes weigh my lashes, tempting me to sleep.

[steamishot]

T-2 months

it's now officially under two months until the big move. i can't wait. until then, there are three events to look forward to: my texan aunt and cousin visiting NYC, going to boston for a fancy whipipo wedding (my first ever) and seeing K again, and lastly, switzerland.

the 4 weeks of matt's jury duty flew by. by the last week, we had to really coordinate being out of the apartment at different times so that each person could get alone time. i would go to the lounge or ceramics when he was at home. when he was at jury duty, i would be home. he finally returns to the hospital tomorrow. he only has 2.5 more week shifts to go before its the end of this NYU era.

ceramics: lately, i've been trying to go to ceramics like 4-5x/week. i'm getting the hang of throwing things one day, trimming the next, and putting it to fire as soon as possible. even if the pieces are imperfect, i just throw them in there. i have received six pieces back so far and they're much bigger and more usable than the ones i made at my first japanese studio. i recently just made my first mug (wheel throwing for the body and handbuilding for the handle) using a not neutral latte cup for inspiration. hopefully it also comes out usable. ceramics friend LG is out of town for the month of july, but i'll see her for a little bit in august.

work: in the last 1.5 weeks or so, i've been spending 1-2 hours per day with the new hire A. in the beginning, i *felt* (but obviously did not show it) very frustrated and impatient because she was really slow. sometimes i would show her things one day, and she would not recognize it the next day. she would come off as overwhelmed with all the different types of trainings she did. when we went over different systems, it seemed she had no prior knowledge of it despite completing the trainings. anyway, i appreciate that this year, i get to teach instead of do. and i must say that it is rewarding once she actually gets it. this is also the MOST time i've ever spent with a colleague, so in a sense, it does help me feel more connected to my work.

NYC: i can appreciate NYC and the hustle and bustle of this city in increments, but every time i'm here for too long (after the first initial couple of years), i feel quite unhappy. there is a sense of "stuckness". one, because our apartment is very small. two, we lack community. and also in the grander scheme, i generally have little interest in the events/things that the city has to offer minus my ceramics and yoga classes. i can only eat so much, and i naturally prefer nature/less dense areas. i'd rather not deal with crowds anywhere - and they're pretty much everywhere here.

i learned that my general unhappiness has been directed towards picking fights with matt, or taking it out on him in general. i need to keep myself in check and try my best to keep myself busy with my own interests. only ~1.5 more months of being here to go!

vaca: this past weekend, matt and i went to miraval berkshires for the first time using chase points. we took a two hour train up north, and was picked up by a driver from the resort. they drove about another hour or so to arrive at lenox, MA. this is an all-inclusive experience that is similar to alila that we did last november. however, we had a much better experience here. the experience imo (coming from a stressed out place) is life-changing and healing. the weather, although very hot, was nice and relaxing. their food was healthy and nutritious. i'm going to miss their bone broth and golden milk shots.

our activities for three days included: kayaking, massage, fancy dinner, chicken keeping, hike, tennis, spa, lounge/read by the pool, and beekeeping. for each activity that was led by a miraval group leader, we had to practice "connect before content". we basically had to share our names and do an icebreaker for each. college-aged connie would have hated this, but i did appreciate hearing from other people and getting out of my comfort zone. they did a really good job at fostering a community feeling. it felt like a short summer camp for adults, and i wish we could have stayed even longer. there were so many classes we didn't get to try.

miraval also has digital free zones and encourages us to be without our devices as much as possible. the dining area is a digital free zone, so that we can connect/talk more with each other.

after this trip, i'm inspired to possibly one day chicken keep and beekeep, lol. it would be awesome to eat freshly laid eggs and honey from my own backyard. chickens may be my preferred "pet" of choice as of now. i had fun with tennis too and might pick it up in LA (if the courts are available). in the morning today, i was already dreading coming back to NYC. here i am and journaling to release some thoughts.